#i just want to go smoke and pass out but ive been trying to get them to go to sleep for a goddman hour+ and it's not working

[woso-dreamzzz]

Injured (Alexia's Version) IV

Alexia Putellas x Teen!Reader

Summary: You need perfection

TW: eating disorder, self-destructive thoughts, unhealthy thoughts about weight and size, self-harm through dance

There's a reason the ballerina body is thought to be unobtainable.

It's because it is.

Even to the dancers.

Perfect feet. Perfect legs. Perfect waist. Perfect stomach. Perfect face and hair.

You didn't have the perfect feet. Your arch wasn't quite perfect. It was close but with the right shoes it looked perfect.

Your legs weren't quite perfect either. You think one of your knees bulges weirdly and one leg is the tiniest bit more muscular than the other. But that can be hidden under your tights.

You don't like your waist or your tummy. You're different to your Mami but you're built a bit like her. She's built like a football player where she doesn't need to care about her waist or her stomach like you did.

You could fix your face with makeup and your hair with product but you couldn't fix your biology. You couldn't fix the way you've developed.

When you were younger and still at ballet school, the older girls passed down one line of wisdom to the younger girls.

If you weren't thin enough to fit between the space of the barre and where it's mounted on the mirror, then you're too fat.

You know now that that's too small of a gap for anyone to fit through without tucking in their tummy to the extreme. You know that now but it's still embedded within you. It still haunts your every step, a looming figure in the shadows that will one day catch up with you.

Some of the other dancers smoke or vape to keep their figures but you took the more classic route.

It was easy to cut breakfast out. A protein bar sufficed as your lunch, maybe a pre-packaged salad as well. You would eat dinner because that was a family meal and, while you were desperately trying to keep your figure, you knew that eating at least one meal a day was good.

It worked like a charm though and soon your stomach shrunk to the point that having one meal a day was all you could stomach.

"Why are you still asleep?" Jaume asks as he throws himself onto your bed," It's nearly dinner."

You groan, poking your head out from your blanket cave. "I was napping. I'm allowed to nap."

You've been napping a lot lately but you're used to that. Whenever you start cutting out meals, you feel the need to nap more to conserve your energy.

"Mami told me to come get you," Jaume replies," Dinner's almost ready."

You pull the covers off before freezing.

"Jaume," You say," Are you wearing your dirty football boots? In my bed?"

He grins. "Yeah."

"Get out!"

"Oh, come on, it was just a joke!"

You smack him in the face with a pillow. "I'm telling Mami!"

He scrambles after you, trying to stop you from making it down the stairs.

"She's lying!" He cries out, skidding to the dinner table just as you arrive.

"Jaume wore his dirty football boots in my bed!" You announce and Alexia sighs.

"Just one day," She says wistfully to Olga," That's all I ask. Just one day of no arguments."

She scolds Jaume lightly over the meal and you pick at your food.

Alexia watches you out of the corner of her eye. This meal is your favourite but you're pecking at it like you're a pigeon.

"How was dance?" She asks.

You shrug, grateful for the opportunity to talk as you push the food around your plate. "Good. I'm going back in after dinner. I'm going to practice my solo."

Olga frowns just like Alexia. "You've been doing that all week. Don't you think you need a break?"

"It won't be for that long," You lie," I want to get it perfect."

Perfection has always been a big part of your life. If you have perfection then you've proven your worth. If you have perfection then you cannot be replaced.

If you perfection in your dancing, in your body, then everything will be good and right in the world.

If you have perfection then you'll never be forgotten again.

Alexia watches you, eyes narrowed before she starts helping Olga clear the table.

"Jaume," You hiss," You want this?" You offer him your plate.

He glanced over to where Olga and Alexia have their backs turned.

"Give."

You scrape the rest of your food onto his plate before getting up quickly.

"I'm heading to the studio," You say.

"I'll drive you," Alexia says.

"I'll walk." You're actually planning to jog. "I want to grab a snack from the store on the way."

There's a reason Mami hasn't found out yet. You've gone back and forth on this for years. Cutting out meals before a performance only to introduce them again a few weeks after. You know exactly how to play her.

It's easy to slip away just like it's easy to dance and dance and dance until your feet ache.

There's something about pointe work that you love. It's a hard discipline. Nobody outright loves it like you do. You don't think they'd understand why you love it.

You love it for the wrong reasons.

You love it because it makes your feet hurt. You love it because it makes you look good even when you're falling apart. You love it because it makes you feel perfect even when you know you're not.

You love it because it's the quickest way to make you bleed.

Your chest rises and falls as you feel your toe pads grow wet with your own blood. Your vision is full of spots and you can barely see yourself in the mirror.

All you can focus on is your next move and the pain in your feet.

All you can do is dance and dance and-

You're on the floor the next time you blink, feeling groggy as your stomach rumbles. You catch sight of yourself in the mirror as you crawl your way over to your bag, shakily unwrapping an energy bar.

You pull off your pointe shoes and toe pads.

This is so normal to you now that you don't even think about the fact that you just blacked out.

You eat your snack, drain down your sports drink and wrap plasters around your bleeding toes as you dial Mami's number.

She picks up quickly, like always. You can imagine her just sitting at home, waiting for your call.

"Bambi?" She asks as soon as she answers," What's up?"

"Can you come and pick me up?" You ask," I'd like to come home now."

Alexia's already grabbing her keys. Her shoes are already on. She's already out the door.

Something's up with you. She knows this. She just doesn't know what it is. But she knows she'll always be ready to pick you up. Always want to bring you home herself.

You look pale and shaky as she pulls up and, like usual after practice, your bare feet are out of your shoes. They're covered in plasters.

"Did you get your snack?" Alexia asks," You look a little pale."

"I did," You reply," I was just dancing a lot."

"Hmm," Alexia says," You know you can talk to me, right? You know you can tell me anything."

"I know," You say.

"Good. Just...Good. You're a good girl, bambi, and I want you to come to me if you need to talk, alright?"

"I know, Mami," You say with an eye roll.

Alexia holds your gaze for a moment before nodding. "Good. Now, your brother wants a milkshake. Do you want anything at the drive through?"

Your tummy rumbles.

"A meal then," Alexia decides before you can protest," A burger I think. Greasy."

You wince. "Mami-"

"You gave half your dinner to Jaume," She says suddenly," I'll split the meal but it's non-negotiable."

It's fine, you think.

So long as you get to practice early tomorrow, you can work it all off.

[stsgluver]

𝐋𝐈𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐑𝐘 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄 — gojo satoru

synopsis. libraries and gojo do not mix

wc. 1.3k

tags. rb!gojo, gojo x reader, reader is close friends with geto + shoko, gojo is described as an 'attention whore'

a/n. i might write for choso next since ive got some yuuji's older brother x babysitter ideas

series masterlist

“say it again.”

“now you’re just fishing for compliments.”

gojo’s head rested on his crossed arms as he stared up at you with those cerulean eyes that you so adored. he wore a confident grin as he shrugged off your allegations, “i’m gorgeous who wouldn’t want to compliment me?”

you scoffed, maybe a little too loudly for the student library you were currently in (they dreaded whenever you walked in with your snowy-haired boyfriend in tow since he couldn’t shut up for more than thirty seconds). “maybe someone who has three exams,” you emphasised by showing him your laptop screen with more tabs open than you could count, “in the next week and actually wants to study so they can pass.”

“my trust fund’s probably more than you could ever make working,” gojo waved a hand dismissively.

“that’s brilliant, satoru,” you deadpanned, “i’m not leeching off of you.”

“it’s not leeching, it’s love,” he said wistfully, blowing you a kiss.

you shook your head in disbelief – his parents had raised him in such a controlled environment, teaching him about his future important roles and the importance of his wealth. he’d risk it all for you and a relationship that he was not even sure was forever. well, in gojo’s mind you were forever – in his dad’s? not so much. so your boyfriend can’t exactly blame you for your hesitancy when his dad asked him at least once every week if he had broken up with you yet.

“i will never understand you.”

“but you do baby. better than anyone.” there was a sincerity in his tone, one that convinced you that he was right and you two were meant to be it for one another. he leant forward to press a quick peck on your lips, sitting himself back down far too soon for your liking. you weren’t even ashamed by how quickly he had you staring back at him with hearts in your eyes.

“this is a public space. i did not come here to see that.”

you twisted your head to see shoko grimacing with geto in tow, an unlit cigarette between her lips as she stuck her nose up at the two of you. they had just come out of their own exam and you were surprised that shoko hadn’t chosen to go and have a smoke before she met you. presumably, you took it as a sign she felt she hadn’t completely bombed out. 

pulling out the seat next to you, you excitedly gestured for your close friend to sit, having barely seen her for the last couple weeks with exams and assignment deadlines. she pushed her bag off of her shoulder, dropping down into the seat next to yours, before leaning across to steal the bag of crisps that you had next to your laptop.

“where’s my kiss, pretty boy?” geto sat down in the seat opposite gojo, an over exaggerated pout on his lips, the metal hoop on the corner of his mouth jutting out. he sent you a wink when you rolled your eyes at his usual flirting with your boyfriend. 

“see!” gojo didn’t even flinch when you elbowed him in the side because of how loud he was being. one of these days they were going to outright ban you altogether and then you would never get a moment of peace to yourself to study. “he compliments me. i wish he was my girlfriend.” 

you, again, went to hit him in the side, but this time he caught your arm, pecking your cheek quickly despite you trying to wriggle out of his gasp.

“shhh,” another student in the room hissed and gojo quietly groaned (somehow always the victim in his mind), releasing your arm and slumping down in his seat like he’d just been scolded by his mother. shoko snickered at his behaviour and the look on your face.

“can we please leave?” gojo whined a little more quietly, though not by much, resting his head on your shoulder. glancing over between the two who had just finished their exam, you let out a quiet sigh. they’d made no effort to take any materials and of their bags yet so there was no way they were going to be doing any studying now either. you were outnumbered three to one.

“depends,” you slowly closed the screen of your laptop slowly, gesturing between your boyfriend and geto opposite who raised an eyebrow. “you really want suguru to be your girlfriend instead of me? over a compliment?” you folded your arms in front of your chest, trying to not laugh as you acted serious.

geto clasped his hands together, clicking his tongue, “you hadn’t told her yet?”

gojo lifted his head from your shoulder, hesitantly glancing towards you with a grin he couldn’t hide as he (unsuccessfully) tried to shuffle his seat away from yours, “i was getting there. haven’t you seen her? she’s violent, i was scared.” 

“funny that,” you pointed a thumb at your snowy haired boyfriend, “weren’t you just offering me your trust fund?” 

that peeked shoko’s interest and she held out her hand to you, “i’ll go halfsies with you on that.”

“of course, anything for you,” you agreed, slipping your hand into hers and giving it a quick shake. shoko winked now at gojo, who’s mouth had dropped wide open at how carelessly you’d just hypothetically given away half of his money.

“woah, woah,” geto raised his hands in the air, bringing the attention back to him as hbe leant back in his chair, “this changes things dramatically. i was only ever here for the money.”

gojo gasped and stood up, overwhelmed by the consecutive betrayals, pointing an accusatory finger at his best friend, “you’re literally rich yourself. how could you use me like this?” to any random onlooker, they may have actually been convinced that he was seriously devastated by his fake mistress’ words.

“yeah but spending someone else’s money means everything’s free. i’m not asking for much, i deserve a life with no burden.” shoko stood up so she could reach across the table and give him a high five. 

gojo held out his hand, aggressively raising his fingers as he listed aloud, “i’m feeling undervalued, underappreciated, under-”

your boyfriend almost jumped out of his skin as a librarian placed a hand on his shoulder. it was almost comical at how this older woman, half the height of gojo, glared up at him. “excuse me sir, we’ve had several complaints,” though her words were formal and polite, she gritted her teeth as she spoke, narrowing her eyes at the disruptive male. if it were up to her, there’d be a large sign of his face on the door with a massive, red ‘x’ through it.

“sorry ma’am,” geto stood up and bowed his head, clearing his throat as he tried not to laugh, “we will be leaving now.” gojo nodded in agreement, slipping under the woman’s grasp and scurrying out of the room with geto close behind.

“i’m going to kill him,” you muttered, although you were still smiling as you hurriedly packed your laptop back into your bag to follow after your boyfriend. 

“all of that walking for nothing,” shoko complained as you stepped outside to see gojo and geto at the bottom of the stairs. pulling out her favourite yellow lighter from her pocket, she finally lit the cigarette she’d been teasing herself with since she’d left her exam.

once you got to the bottom of the stairs, gojo hooked his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to himself. geto stole shoko’s cigarette to take a hit, blowing out the smoke upwards before he looked between the three of you. “where to now?”

“i’m treating you all to ice cream with my hard earned money,” gojo pressed a kiss to the side of your head before lightly shoving you off of him, giggling to himself. “kidding! we’re all racing and whoever gets there last has to pay.”

taglist. @jar-03 @animeflower26 @hyori2 @ja-zz

[angel-kyo]

Pay it no mind

Part IX

In which reader confesses their feelings to Gojo, but it seems these are not returned (maybe?).

Warnings: reader is on the receiving end of rejection (kinda), and the fact that I'm obsessed with unrequited love is a warning itself. Mentions of smoking (not reader, though) and lung cancer.

Previous: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII

----------------------

You heard steps behind you.

“Is it any good?” Suguru sat down next to you, eyeing the manga you were reading.

You lifted your head and looked at the training fields in front of you. “Ikeda recommended it to me. I just started it, so I don’t know yet.”

Suguru noticed your tone was a bit flat and taking into account that he had just passed by a fuming Satoru, he assumed his classmates were not in great spirits that day.

“Did something happen to Satoru? He was…” Geto's voice trailed off.

“Being childish,” you cut him, your eyes returning to the book in your hands.

You had been trying to improve your attack speed and close combat technique, and Satoru was naturally good at both, so you had made plans to spar with him. But when he showed up at your room, you were on a call with Haruki, who just wanted check if you were free that weekend.

As soon as Gojo realized who was on the other end of the line, he started speaking way louder than usual and chasing you around your room. “[name], let’s go now”, “Are you done yet?”, "Stop ignoring me."

You swore it was a two-minute call, and he was being impatient for no reason, but you finally had enough when Satoru grabbed your phone and told Ikeda “Sorry, they are busy now,” and hung up.

“Satoru!” You almost ripped your phone out of his hand. “What...Why did you do that?” You watched him in disbelief. Of course, you knew he liked pestering you and everyone, but you could not believe he had done something so rude.

He shrugged. “We have things to do; he can’t keep you on the phone all day.” His expression showed no remorse. “Oh, now you are texting him.” He turned around and sat on your bed.

You were pressing the buttons of your phone as quickly as you could, not really wanting to imagine what Haruki could have thought of someone hanging up on him that way.

You sighed. “I’m apologizing on your behalf and telling him not to mind my extremely rude friend.”

“Emphasis on ‘friend’,” Gojo mumbled, but his tone had been too harsh not to hear.

You sent your apology to Haruki and looked at Satoru. “What did you say?”

The boy blinked and shook his head. “Nothing, just that I’m your best friend unless that’s his place now.”

“So you’re trying to say you’re jealous?” The thought was almost amusing, and you had not meant to sound accusing, but the question seemed to bother him, and a frown was clearly visible on Satoru's face now.

“Why should I be?” He sounded offended just at the thought of envying anything on your friend.

“Right,” you replied dryly. You knew he did not like him much, but why were you two getting so worked up over this?

You thought it was better to drop the subject as you picked up the bag where you had put the cursed tool you wanted to try and the manga Haruki had lent you. “Just forget it... Let’s go.”

You looked at him when he did not move. Gojo had rarely looked so serious as he did now, sitting still on your bed, looking at nowhere in particular.

“You are just wasting your time with him.” He did not sound angry anymore but as someone stating an undeniable fact.

It made you frown. You esteemed your new friend, and Satoru knew that. Why would he say something he knew would upset you?

“You don’t get to decide who I hang out with, or who is a waste of my time or not.”

You had always spoken your mind to Gojo. You thought that may be the reason why you had become friends in the first place. However, you did notice the bitter ring of your words just now.

“I know.” Satoru got up and walked past you in direction to the door, without sparing you another glace. “Have your boyfriend train you then,” was all he said as he left.

You stayed there for a minute, bag clutched to your side, before deciding to head to the training fields alone.

Suguru did not say anything once you had finished telling him what had happened. He had taken out a cigarette at some point and seemed thoughtful, watching it burn between his fingers. When you did not say anything else, he looked into your eyes and smiled softly.

“He really is childish.”

“Right? Sometimes I really can’t stand him. He is so immature.” You sighed.

And oblivious; you both are, Suguru thought.

He had some suspicions but supposed you would not be in the mood to hear them.

“People with strong emotions are hard to understand sometimes. Being on the receiving end of their wrath or their love can be equally risky.” Geto’s voice was soft. “Still… You know he cares about you, right? I’m sure he did not mean any harm.”

At least not to you.

You pondered his words. Love? Yes, you loved Satoru, he was your friend. It was reasonable to think he loved you too.

“I know,” you replied almost in a whisper.

Suguru smiled and puffed some smoke. “Cheer up, okay? I’ll spar with you.”

You smiled. “Stop smoking so much first. You’ll get lung cancer or something.”

He chuckled, standing up in front of you and offering you a hand “I know I will die someday, but I assure you, [name], that will not be the reason.”

You took his hand.

***

Shoko flinched when she heard a loud thump from the corner of the room. She sighed after realizing it was just Gojo kicking the vending machine.

“Don’t take it out on the sodas,” she told him and went back to her phone.

Another thud and a clank announced whatever drink he had tried to get out had been unstuck.

Gojo sat down across from her, but she did not look at him, already suspecting he was not in a good mood.

Shoko had noticed that you and Gojo had not been talking much in the last couple of days. You still sat next to each other in class in the mornings, but she had definitely seen Gojo stealing glances at you and averting his gaze each time you looked back. Besides, you had asked Suguru to spar with you that afternoon instead of asking Satoru.

He took a sip of his drink and let out a loud sigh that Ieiri continued to ignore.

“What are you doing?” Gojo asked.

“If you are bored enough to ask me that, maybe you should have gone with them.”

“I think you were not paying attention, but I wasn’t invited."

She let out a soft laugh. "That has never stopped you from going anywhere."

"I doubt [name] wants to train with me anyway.”

Shoko finally looked at him. She recalled a conversation you and her had had not long ago. You had asked her what she wanted to do in the future, to which she had said she would be a doctor.

“That means I’ll get to call you Doctor Shoko” You grinned.

“That if I figure out a way to do it quick.” She smirked. “What about you?”

Your gaze drifted to Gojo and Geto bantering near to where you were sitting.

“I’ll join the podium with those two.”

Shoko knew you wanted to be faster, stronger, better. You were intent on improving. She could not see you turning down a chance to try out your growing strength.

“I don’t think they would turn down the opportunity to punch you,” was what she finally said to Gojo.

He huffed. “Yeah, they may be up for that.”

Shoko raised an eyebrow. “Are you fighting?”

Satoru ripped the tab off the can he was holding. “I don’t know…. Maybe.”

So you were. Had it been something he had done?

“I just think that waiter guy is a waste of their time.” Satoru sounded deflated.

Ieiri looked at him. “Don’t tell [name] that.”

“Already did.”

Oh.

“They must not have liked to hear that.” Ieiri looked at him blankly.

“You bet,” Gojo agreed with a resigned look on his face. “But isn’t it true, though?” He looked back at Ieiri. “He is a non-sorcerer. Keeping him around in any way is foolish. Even if they dated him, it’s not like they are going to marry the guy.”

“You don’t know that. It’s true he belongs to the normal world, but...”

“But what?” Gojo did not believe there was any argument in that guy’s favor.

“What if [name] wanted to be part of that world?” Shoko shrugged.

They want to be a sorcerer now, but people can change, and this life is tough in the field. It isn’t uncommon for sorcerers to end up running away.

It had been just a stray thought, but when directing her eyes back to Gojo, Ieiri realized the impact of her words. The wheels were turning in Satoru’s head.

She tried to take it back before he snapped. “I am not saying that’s what they want, it’s just…”

“No, they wouldn’t…” Gojo shook his head lightly.

Was that it? That you now enjoyed your bits of normality with Ikeda more than your actual life?

If you wanted a normal life as any other person living in the bliss of ignorance when it came to curses, Satoru was not sure he could follow you there. There were high expectations hanging over his head, his clan and the world were counting on him to become a sorcerer, and a strong one at that. What would he do if you ever wanted to leave this world? Would you also leave him?

***

“Are you fighting?” Shoko asked you from across the table.

She had sat at the cafeteria to wait for you, but Gojo had made an appearance and struck up conversation with her; however, he had practically run away when you showed up.

Were you fighting? Honestly, you were not sure. He had walked you home last weekend, and despite the awkwardness that had surrounded you both following your one-sided talk about Ikeda, he had not seemed angry. There had not been any spoken disagreement nor an argument per se, but he had been avoiding you like the plague since then.

“I don't know... Maybe,” you finally admitted.

The way you were gazing at the path Satoru had traced when fleeing the cafeteria let Shoko know that you wanted to go after him, so she gave you the same piece of advice her younger self had once given to Gojo. “If you don't know, go ask.”

You smiled at her and marched after Satoru.

***

“You look beaten up.”

Suguru had decided to let you take a short break from training and you were lying down to catch your breath.

“Turns out Geto is good at close combat too.”

No, good no; he excels at it.

Satoru crouched down next to you, and you were too tired to move, so you did not.

“Yeah, he is,” Gojo agreed. “Hey, can we talk?”

“I’m busy,” you replied.

Satoru looked at Suguru, who was some feet away lively conversing with Shoko and gave you a half smile that said ‘Really? I think you can take a few minutes off.’

You sat up with a sigh but did not look at him. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Are you still mad at me?”

You shrugged. “Are you?”

He shook his head. No, he was not. He had been mad at Ikeda for taking so much of your time, stirring his best friend away from him, and then he had been mad at himself for acting the way he had, but he was not mad at you, he could never be mad at you.

“I’m still gonna be friends with him.” Your tone was rather lower, and your expression was puzzled. Satoru thought he knew why, and he wanted to hold your hand, but he did not.

Instead, he smiled softly and said “As long as you are still friends with me.”

He knew you probably felt torn between him and Haruki. As much as Satoru wanted to keep you for himself, he had decided he would accept whatever you gave him if it meant he had a piece of you to hold on to.

You pushed him, and he fell sitting down. “Don't be ridiculous. You are my best friend.” Satoru was glad to see you smile at him again.

As you told him about whatever was rounding your mind while a gentle breeze removed some loose hair strands off your face, Satoru thought you were prettier than ever.

“I think they made up.” Suguru half-whispered to Shoko. “They really can’t live without each other.”

Ieiri thought of the stormy look on Gojo’s face earlier. That made her think he actually cared about you, maybe more that he let out, and taking in the way you were looking at him, maybe you cared about him just as much.

She smirked. “They look…”

“In love?” Geto offered watching Gojo gently remove a leaf that had gotten stuck in your hair.

Shoko believed you had feelings for some other non-sorcerer boy, and you had always referred to your friendship with Gojo as something platonic on both sides, but the scene in front of her, would make anyone doubt that.

She let out a laugh as response.

Maybe I was wrong.

She would remember this moment years later when watching Satoru not-so-unintentionally scare off anyone who would dare approach you with romantic intentions.

And if Suguru had stayed with them, he would have had a good laugh hearing her say ‘Geto, you were damn right.’

----------------------

Note: Please don't take it the wrong way, but I'm thinking of mischief for next part.

Thank you for reading!

Next: Part X

@mavs-stuff @witchbybirth @crookedlyaddictedone-blog @tqd4455 @maybe-a-bi-witch @mo0nforme @maliakealoha @zacatecanaaaa @blushhpeachh @astriarose @missesgojosatoru @ba-ks @sukunasleftkneecap @songbirdlully @cole-silas

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i asked my friend to stop talking about cigarettes and nicotine related things with me? (cw for lots of talk ab smoking and cancer)

i (18ftm) have a friend in my psychology class (18f) who smokes cigarettes frequently and has been talking about considering switching to vapes.

for some backstory, my father passed away around two years ago now from lung cancer and complications, brought on by smoking cigarettes. he was undergoing chemo and radiotherapy, also self-medicating with CBD tablets to help with the pain.

i’m only just registering this part of my life now and have not really gone to therapists or councillors as i didn’t need it until now, but i recently got an appointment for this along with a referral for potential OCD and health anxiety that may or may not have been caused because of my dad’s smoking and illness.

i go to a uk college in the countryside so there are naturally a lot of kids who smoke both weed and nicotine, and a lot who vape.the issue here is that ive found the smell of cigarettes sends me into an anxious state and makes me feel sick/nauseous. the smell of weed is fine usually for me.

i hate to say it but i do not like smokers. if you’ve been doing it for a while, there’s no point in asking ‘does it smell like i’ve gone for a smoke?’ the answer is always yes, it sticks even through deodorant and perfume and stains your teeth and nails, it smells to the people around you and don’t even get me started on second hand smoking.

the friend i’m talking about is in my psych class and smokes very frequently to the point i can smell it on her whenever we meet up. this wouldn’t be an issue in itself as i am trying my best to ignore it and learn to deal with the anxious shakes i get around her, but the issue is that she constantly brings cigarettes and smoking up.

i’ve asked her not to smoke around me if possible and if she needs one i will gladly leave or wait for her in another spot . however when she doesn’t have a smoke or can’t have one for whatever reason she’ll still talk about how she gets cigarettes, how her mum feels about them, how her brother smokes, how she wants one really bad. she’s now switched to talking about how she wants to switch to vapes, which again i still don’t appreciate because it’s still talking about nic to me.

she’s ignored this multiple times despite knowing about my father’s issues. or she’ll talk about it for a long time then go ‘oh sorry, about your dad, i should stop talking about this’. it’s not a big big thing as we only hang out from time to time (mostly on a walk to the bus stop every monday afternoon).

i feel like i’d then be being a dick for saying that i’d appreciate her stopping talking about it while i’ve already asked her to not smoke around me. wibta?

What are these acronyms?

[asmutwriter]

Outlaws (Part 1)

DESCRIPTION: Managing to get away from your past you stumble across a small town. Inside you meet the acquaintance of Billy the Kid

WORD COUNT: 2761

Next / Master List  

WARNINGS: swearing, threat, guns

DISCLAIMERS

This is fiction. Please always talk to your partner before doing anything and make sure they are ok with what you are doing beforehand

It will not follow the timeline of the show. But I hope you enjoy.

Not been proof read

You start walking along the road. Hearing the steps of horse hooves on the ground. You turn, seeing a gentlemen riding along. A cart being pulled behind. You wave your arm out, causing him to slow down. "You ok miss?" you smile at the older gentlemen.

"I was wondering where you were driving to?"you reach itno a small purse on your waist, pulling out a couple of notes as he talks

"Just a small town a few miles away for work" You hold them out to him.

"Could you drive me there please?". He looks at the small wad of cash, at the gun around your waist, then at your face. Nodingg he scoots over on his cart. You smile, hitching your skirt up slightly as you get onto it.

Making small talk with the man as he drives you both there. You hop down from the cart as you arrive, waving at him before walking around the town. Hands clasped neatly behind your back as you wonder around.

You see a few kids playing. Men outside a bar drinking. Some more men smoking. Woman emptying a bucket of dirty water. Another woman walking with a load of laundry. You watch as a couple of men start to follow the woman with the laundry. You tilt your head slightly. Walking after them slowly, trying to make it obvious you werent following but wanting to be quick enough to prevent anything from happening.

WHen you get down the end you see the men have surrounded her. There were three men in total, one seemed to be the leader. Going over to her and going to stroke her cheek. You watch as she moves away from his touch. His deminear changing to a more aggressive one at the rejection. You speak loudly as you walk confidently.

"There you are!" you go overe to the woman. Linking an arm with hers "I was wondering where you had got to" the men back away slightly, eyeing you up to. You look at them, resting a hand near your waist. Not threatening them but making their eyes aware of the gun hanging from your belt. "Sorry to interfere gentlemen but I need to steal my dear friend from you" you smile at them, walking with the woman. Quickly.

Going out into the public space with her. SHe puts the washing down onto an outside table. "Thank you" she speaks softly

"Will you be ok now?" you ask. She wipes her forehead with the back of her hand. Nodding slightly as you nod and smile, going to walk off again. SHe grabs your wrist, dropping it quickly as you turn to face her again

"Whats youre name?"

"Hope" she nods. Smiling softly at you as she brings her hand up, resting it on her chest lightly before putting her hand back down

"Kathleen". You nod and smile, titling your head slightly

"Its been a pleasure meeting you Kathleen" you go to walk again but she taes a step towards you

"Ive not seen you around here before? Ive been here a while so I recognise the locals"

"I arrived not to long ago. I wont be staying long though, just passing through" she nods

"How long are you staying for?"

"About a week" she nods. Thinking for a moment.

"Why dont you stay with me and my family for the week?"

"Oh no I dont want to interfeir with your life"

"I insist. Goodness knows what wouldve happened if you werent back there. You saved me. Its the least I could do for you".

"So long as you're sure?" she nods and smiles softly at you

"We've got a spare bed. Its not the comfiest but its probably better then the beds the inns round here have" you chuckle slightly and nod

"Thank you ma'am" she smiles at you as you motion at the laundry "let me help you with that" you grab it from where she had popped it. She goes to protest but you shake your head. SHe sighs, looking at you before leading you to where it needs to go.

"I'll be finishing work within the hour if youd like to hang around until then? I could take you back to mine afterwards" you nod. Smiling at her as you go and order a drink from the bar beore sitting at a table.

The hour passes quickly. She walks with you back to her house. It was small but well kept. You look around as she goes over to the kitchen. STarting to prepare some food.

"Who do you live with?"

“My husband and two sons. They should be home soon" you nod. As if on cue the door opens. "Speaking off. These are my sons" you turn, seeing two youn boys walk in. The taller of the two takes off his hat and places it onto the table. He meets your eyes. You smile at him as he glances at the gun still around your waist.

"This is my eldest son Billy and then my youngest Joe". You put your hand out towards the older, a smile still on yur face

"My names Hope" he takes your hand, gently shaking it before dropping it. You could not read the look he was giving you.

"Shes new in town. Arrived this morning. i said that she can stay the week with us". He nods, eyes ramining on yours as he motions his head at your weapon

"Thats a nice gun"

"Thank you. It was a gift from my sister in law". The door opens once again, an older gentlemen walks through the door.

"This is my husband Henry" he shuts the door behind him. His eyes scanning over your body. In a very different way to which the son did. "Henry this is our visitor Hope. Shes our guest for the next week" His eyes coming back up to meet yours as Kathleen continues to speak "Dinner will be soon. Billy darling, could you grab out some plates" he nods. You walk over towards him

"Let me help". He grabs out some plates, handing them to you. You go over and start helping dish out the food onto the individual plates. You then sit around the table, Mr and Mrs Antrim sitting either end. The brothers sat next to each other as you sit oppoite Billy. Kathleen says grace before you all start to eat.

They ask you a few questions. Where have you travlled from? Have you travelled alone? Where are yu heading to? You answer their questions as truthfully as you can. Not wanting to tell them the full truth of why you had to run away from your family.

As the meal finishes and after the plates have been cleared and cleaned Kathleen shows you to your bed for the next few days. You sit onto it. Soon sleep catching up with you from the hectic few days - hell even weeks that youve had.

You wake up in the morning. Getting up and going outside. Resting against the outside of the house as you watch the street. Hearing the door open you turn, seeing Billy walk out. He half smiles at you which you return. Looking back at the people. He walks over to you

"What are you planning on doing toay then Miss?"

"Theres no need for the formalities. Please call me Hope" you smile at him as he leans against the wall next to you "I dont know. I dont really have any plans today. Just wonder around town I guess" he nods. You go to ask him what he was planning just as a blonde haired man appears riding a horse. He smiles at Billy before dismounting. His eyes meeting yours as a soft smiles comes over his face

"Whos your friend?"

"Hope" you answer "and you are?"

"Jesse" he smiles at you before turning his head back to Billy "you still up for some shooting Kid?" he nods, standing up straight you look between the two men

"WHat are you boys shooting?"

"We go down by the field and practice shooting" you nod, standing up straight as Billy goes to untether his horse

"You two have fun" you smile at them as they both mount their horses.

"You have fun to miss" Jesse says at you, snaking his tongue over his lips before riding off. Billy tilting his hat at you before following his friend.

You stay and help at Mrs Antrims home. Helping to do some of the chores around the house whilst herself and her husband are away at work. You end up helping out one of the maids, helping her do the washing or hanging up the clothes. You're in the kitchen, you're cleaning the dishes as shes drying and putting them away.

You hear the fron door open. Looking you see the older son walk in. Smiling at Billy before going to carry on. The woman speaks next to you in Spanish. Not unsual due to her ethnicity. What did surprise you though was when Billy spoke back to her in Spanish. You look at them both, a look of consufion on yoru face. She lets out a soft scoff as Billy smiles at her. Speaking some more in Spanish

"What are you talking about?" you half smile, confusion still in your eyes as you look at the girl. She chuckles, almost a giggle as she grabs the dry plates. Going over and placing them onto the shelf. Turning to Billy he smiles at you.

"She was asking as to why you were staying with us. So I was informing her" you nod

"What did you say?"

"That I dont know why you're in town but you'll be staying with us over the next few days" you nod again. Putting your hand in the sink as you take out the plug. Finsihgint eh dishes as the girl comes over and carries on drying.

"Are you going shooting again tomorrow?" he nods. Placing his hands on his gun belt as you trun to face him, tilting your head slightly as you meet his eyes.

"Yeah. I try and practice everyday"

"Would you be able to take me out to practie?" he chuckles slightly

"Why do you need to shoot?"

"Its a dangerous world we live in. A girl can never be to careful" he nods, smiling as he looks down.

"Yeah I can teach you to shoot" he looks back up at you "you've got your own weapon right?" you nod. "Good" he smiles. His eyes soft as they watch yours "I'm going to go and help ma. Ill see you soon" you nod, watching as he alks off.

You continue helping the girl arond the house. Then helping Kathleen make dinner when she gets back before heading to bed. You wake up early in the morning. Getting up you grab a ribbon. Tying up half of your hair . Two strandes falling either side, framing your face as the rest fall down your back, over your shoulders.

Going into the kitcehn you smile at Kathleen. Who is rushing to get out the house. Late for her shift. You wave goodbye to her as she rushes out the door. Billy comes in, smiling at you. "Good morning" you smile at him "Still up for shooting today?"

"Of course" you answer him. He relaxes his smile as he looks at you. "Will your friend be joining us?" he shakes his head.

"No. No Jesse has other things to do today" he holds your gaze as you nod. Pushing your lips tgether slightly "shall we go then, miss?" you chuckle slightly.

"I told you. Call me Hope" you smile, walking past him as you go to the front door. He follows you, going over to his horse. "How far is it to walk?"

"Do you not have a horse?" you shake your head. He nods slightly. Untethering and then mounting his horse. He holds the reins taught as he hods a hand out towards you. "You can ride with me". You take his hand, letting him help pull you up as you sit behind him. You rest your arms around him, resting over his stomach as he starts his horse in a soft trot.

You get to an empty field. A few fallen trees in the middle of it. He dismounts his horse, holding his hand out towards you as he helps you jump down. Going and tying his horse to a tree. “Lets see the gun you have” he stands about a metre in front of you. You take it out the gun holster, handing it to him. He looks at it, his eyes filling with a gleam as he examines the weapon. “This is a very nice gun” he spins it a couple of times in his hand, taking aim at the tree line. Getting the feel for the weapon. He nods in approval as he hands it back to you. Talking as he sets up the makeshift shooting rink.

"I assume you've shot before?". You shake your head as he looks at you in disbelief "you have one of the nicest guns ive seen yet you've never used it?"

"I dont know what else to tell you" he chuckles, walking back up to you as he motions at the various bottles and cans on the fallen trunk.

"Lets see what we're working with then". You take out your gun. Aiming it. You fire. Missing the targets completely. SOmehow managing to get a tree a ways back. You lower the gun.

"If I say that I was aiming for the tree then does it count?" you look at him. He lets out a soft laugh as he shakes his head. You take in a breath, aiming again. Squeezing the trigger. Once again hitting none of the targets. You throw your head back and let out a sigh of defeat. Causing him to laugh. "I give up. Its impossible" his lips turn slightly.

"Yeah?" you nod. He faces the items. Taking his gun out and taking aim. Shooting six times. Hitting five of the targets. Your mouth drops in awe as you watch. Turning your head to face him, he smirks as he looks at you. Putting his gun back in its holster.

"How the fuck did you do that?"

"Ive been practicing a long time" you scoff slightly

"No kidding" he smiles as a soft chuckle passes his lips

"Come on. Put your gun up". You do. Your body facing towards the items as he comes up behind you. Gently resting his hand over yours as you fee his breath on the shell of your ear. "Look at where your shooting. Take in a breath and aim. Exhale and pull the trigger". You do as he says. Drawing in a long breath, holding it as you aim at the item. Exhaling before pulling the trigger. It doesnt hit the items but itdoes hit the log the items are on.

"Good. Relax some more and aim a bit higher. Then repeat what you did". You take in a breath. Aiming, exhaling, then shooting. Hitting a glass you watch as it shatters. A smile comes over your face as he moves away from you. You turn to face him, grinning at him "Well done" he smiles. "Do you think you can hit the rest of the targets?"

"Just be impressed that I managed to hit one, ok?" he laughs. Watching you as you bring the gun up. Repeating the same four steps as to which he told you to do. Managing to hit two more tagrets. You bite your bottom lip as you try to hold back your glee. Turning to face him you meet his eyes.

"You're improving. Not that you could've gotten worse" you playfully push his shoulder

"SHut up" he chuckles. You reload your ammo before bringing the gun back up. This time managing to hit 4 out of 6. The both of you practice for about an hour. Taking it in turns to shoot. Once youve finished you put your gun away. He helps you get back up onto the horse. Holding onto him as he rides back home.

He jumps off. His hand coming out for you as he dismount. You gently stroke its neck as he ties the horse up "Same time again tomorrow?". He asks. Eyes looking at you as he rubs the horses nose. You nod.

"I look forward to it" you say. Going inside their home.

Next

[deerlottie]

pls continue ur big sibling yellowjackets headcanons bro its healing something in me i swear 😭 do you have any thoughts on Van or Jackie?

⭐VAN !

as someone who also grew up in a mobile home park, i knowww you and her spent most of your time in the community pool. your mom was drunk and passed out most of the time, so you could sneak out whenever basically speaking of your mom, she was always drunk. she'd make you fetch her more beers and would go on these rants about how she's doing everything she can for you two that made you feel sad and scared. van would always take you out to the park or for a walk when your mom got too drunk because she didn't want you to see her like that you live in the same park as nat so you'd hang out with her and van sometimes and they'd lock you out of nat's room for a smoke break 😭 nat jokingly offers you some weed when ur like 10 and van almost kills her over it walking you to school and she saves up enough money from that shitty job she's working to buy you these Heelys that you've been BEGGING ur mom for and you almost break ur neck like 5 times because ur so excited to finally have them calling her nicknames only YOU can call her like vanny and nessa. not even taissa gets this special privilege speaking of tai, you LOVE her!! before her and tai come out to you, you were always asking taissa when she was gonna propose and if you could be the flower girl/boy at the wedding :( ive said this in all my other older siblings!yj hcs, but van does not mess around when you game with them... van will legit hack into ur roblox account because for some reason u have like 2000 robux and will buy everything she wants then trades it with her own avatar 😭 weekly competitions to see who can get more coins on club penguin fishing and whoever has the least has to do the dishes for a week she'd give you a lecture on how stealing is wrong and that if she ever catches you doing it that she'll kick your ass, and then turn right around and tell you to grab as much candy as you can in the store and calmy walk out the door with her 😭😭

⭐JACKIE !

i just know that a sibling relationship with jackie would be nearly perfect and healthy...she's so excited to have a little sibling >_< (until u reach a certain age then it's all chaos) she'd push your mom out of the way so she could try and hold you and take care of you 😭 there's a really embarrassing picture your parents took of you where she's ugly sobbing while bottle feeding you because she was so happy LMAO as soon as you get old enough, you're now jackie's little doll to experiment with makeup and clothes. sometimes, she genuinely wants to put makeup on you, but other times she's a little devil and fucks it up for shits and giggles you get jealous that she has a DS and won't share and beg ur parents to buy you one, and the new one JUST came out, so now jackie's jealous and it's a fight over it. she's trying to manipulate you into thinking her old one is better and that the games she has that you wanted to play will only work on hers. once she successfully gaslights you, she's running to her room and locking the door with her new DS in hand 🤭 if your parents put you in a sport together, she's a fucking HOGGER when it comes to passing you the ball. you were in basketball for a very short time because she nearly gave you a concussion because she was fed up with how you kept whining at her to pass the ball and just threw it at your head LMAO jackie with a little sibling with a HUGE age difference would be so cute too!! ;( like she's 17 and you're only 10, and sometimes you walk from the bus stop to her school because ur parents can't pick you up, so she has you sit and watch her at soccer practice ☹️ you get bored at start playing with some of the girls and coach ben teases that you're better than her :3 or jackie making shauna drive to go pick you up at school and hanging out with themm :P like in my sibling!shauna hcs, you'd tease the HELL out of jackieshauna. i like to think that you're the one who made jackie realize that she actually Does have feelings for shauna and you get them together. after they secretly get together, jackie leaves you and shauna alone in the car while she uses the bathroom really quick, and ur just like "you should be thanking me, you know. i got her to ask you out so you owe me." and you make a rubbing motion with ur fingers 😭 shauna just rolls her eyes and promises to get you extra toppings on ur ice cream final thought and it's angst but i can't imagine how it would be like to be jackie's sibling and finding out about the crash and THEN finding out she died when they all get rescued... you show up during that little moment where they all board the plane again and you run into shauna's arms because that's who u see first, and you ask where jackie is. she just tells you she's sorry before she hugs you tightly because you've grown up so much since she last saw you and you like so much like jackie now and she's guilty. riding on the plane home with them and they all look so guilty. and God,....finding out what they actually did to your sister????

[friendlyengie]

I would love to hear ur hcs about the mercs sleeping habits (including ur OCs ofc)

ive always wanted To draw something for this but ive never had the like. Idea to do it in a way that would land the punchline. But basically on their days off I think Engineer is up until sunrise and Demo sleeps until sunrise and they sometimes catch each other in the middle but otherwise they wont see each other until theyre forced to start waking up at the same time again for work.

Anyways . Specifics. Hm.

Medic- trying to write this out for him I’m torn between “despite the way he is, Medic’s sleep schedule is shockingly consistent” and “he surgically removed the need for sleep out of his brain when joining Mann Co. and now sleep is like a recreational activity for him.” I genuinely think it could go either way.

Sniper- sleeps a solid 8 hours and still manages to pass out standing up during mission briefings. I don’t think his sleep is particularly pleasant, easily startled due to spy anxiety. But during his inappropriately timed naps? He could sleep through the base exploding probably.

Scout- Shockingly well put together morning person if he gets to sleep on time. Usually the second person up after Soldier to go on a morning run and shit. But if his sleep schedule is thrown an hour off track it all goes out the window. Drag his out of bed and he goes right to the couch and back to bed.

Heavy- With the way he lived growing up I could see him really having trouble with sleeping. Not easily startled, but very restless. Type of guy to occasionally have a “Something is Very Wrong” instinct kick in at 3 am and is perfectly aware that trying to get back to bed afterwards is a lost cause, so he’s learned to commit and has a handful of things that he does to pass the time instead.

Engineer- great at giving well thought out advice on why sleep is important, follows it unless he doesn’t. Celebrates his ability to keep himself on a good sleep schedule for a few weeks by letting himself go multiple days with no sleep if he feels like it’ll be “useful” for whatever he’s working on. Started to cap himself off at a 72 hour maximum after a 5-day streak resulted in the genius decision making that went into getting drunk and lobbing off his hand (And then remembering he probably should’ve had Medic around, or a proper gunslinger prototype built before doing so.)

Pyro- probably sleeps but always seems strangely and immediately attentive if you go to wake them up.

Demoman- respects his sleep schedule and expects you to as well. Fuck your all nighters, he knows how comfortable his bed is and he’s taking it. Hours vary depending on how much he’s been drinking, which will also determine how well he participates in the “guy who can just kind of fall asleep anywhere” club.

Spy- I feel like the only thing worse than sleep paranoia about spies is being a Spy trying to have a proper sleep schedule. Less as a result of his current job and more as a result of the many jobs hes taken in the past, I’d think Spy’s developed serious paranoia to letting his guard down in most regards, sleep included. Smoking supposedly “helped” the issue way in the beginning, most definitely just exasperates the issue now. Usually walks around the base with clear intent as to not be heard by anyone, so he’s probably got most of them convinced he sleeps pretty routinely.

Soldier- Consistently, on the dot, like clockwork. Not always the first to bed, but always the first to wake up. Wouldn’t wake up if you launched a bomb through his window but if you tried to gently nudge him to wake him up he would attack you like an enemy combatant and now you have to fight him and win.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Quitting Weed Day 9 Status Report 📝

to start off , i'll say, i do indeed feel like Ass ! this post might get a tad emo. regretting my life choices to smoke for as long as i have 😕 But then again, maybe that's harsh, cus i was just doing the best i could with the circumstances i been dealt in the past.

i couldnt just quit cold turkey cus every time i try that its way too intense and i alwaus end up going back. So the past 9 days i've been hitting my (extremely weak) weed cart a couple times a night, only after 9pm, just to help me sleep. Before that i was smoking probly like. 5-8 bowls a day, followed by hitting the weed pen RELENTLESSLY all night until i passed out. So its still been a huge change lol. From tonight onwards tho i'm done w the weed pen and ready to try 0 thc 🙏

kind friend @palmceader sent me a CBD tincture made for sleep (thanku again 🥹) which im sure has a TINY percentage of thc, but nothing even close to how much im used to.

i cant even imagine how fried my dopamine receptors are, cus honestly, i feel Fucked. spaced out is an understatement. i cant focus on anything and its kinda driving me insane. it feels impossible to read or draw or do any of my hobbies.. my body feels heavy and depressed. No motivation. its kinda the opposite of what i was expecting. i can barely keep my eyes open during the day..

on a brighter note i havent been struggling too much with sleep or appetite. i think sleepy time tea + the tincture + magnesium is rly helping. my dreams recall is already improving so much, and the times i have nightmares arent as bad as its been previous times i tried to quit. i havent rly struggled with cravings at all either, which used to be a huge obstacle for me ! im just so over it now. i was starting to get chest pains and coughing a lot, which was taking any joy out of the act of smoking for me.

morbid to say but I often think of my father and how his rampant addictions directly lead him to such a painful and horrific early death. its a rare perspective of imagery so disturbing , i know i can't go on in such a manner. Like, what a fucking fool i would be! For others i can understand it but for me, no. it has haunted me for a long time to know i'm letting myself go down that path, even with all my insistent self-justification that his death is what brought me to this in the first place. deep down ive been knowing i need to break the cycle like i have the choice and the power, im still alive im still here ..

Sorry if thats depressing to bring up! i do feel depressed tho. i cant use weed to hide from my pain anymore.. i have to rewire my whole ass method of coping with stress at age 30. i know i can do it but its gonnnna be a long winded process full of ups n downs. Running away is no longer an option and thats a lot to face! a lot of old wounds i never rly dealt with, cus i kept my head in the 💨clouds💨 for so long.

i promise not to give up this time tho no matter how hard it gets 🙏 i want to set a good example too like indunno a lot of younger ppl follow me now i dont wanna feed into narratives that may influence them in bad directions. i have a responsible heart. i rly dont think weed is cool i havent since i was like 16. i was just dependent on it so i tried to romanticisze its role in my life. its silly.

im kinda laughing now cus im like god, i initially felt like the reason im quitting is so i can be more active in my dream world, but the more i think about it the more i notice MANY many more reasons to quit that go way deeper.

All in all the reason im talking about it is to maybe inspire other ppl who have been on the verge of quitting but too afraid to rly take the plunge-- Ur not alone, ur not weak for being addicted, if u need to reach out to me u are more than welcome.

Ppl rly downplay weed addiction cus the withdrawals arent life threatening like other substances, but that doesnt mean its a walk in the park. Most ppl i know who are stoners have never been able to quit for similar reasons as me. It takes a major psychological hold over u. if u ever need to vent about it or need advice, im here!

if u read all of this, pls dont worry abt me xD Even if it feels miserable rn i have faith things will improve, the heaviness and brainfog will lift, the emotions will be purged, i am excited for my future. One day at a time....Dont giving up 🙏

Signed, PMD9

[sucker4sixx]

Relight my fire

Pt.3

Plot: i love you

Warnings: rebounds (?)

You wake up feeling groggy, laying on nikkis warm chest, your eyes drifting up to see him smoking, his eyes red with the hangover. Nikki never liked to smoke in his house but i guess rules were made to be broken. “Morning sweetheart” he smiles at you, stroking your hair and placing the cigarette in your mouth. You take a quick few puffs and pass it back “morning nikki..” “did we fuck?” He asks blandly, knowing its a ‘no’ but wanting to catch you off guard. “Oh my god, no. Im asleep here because i was comforting you about seeing beth” he nods, your explanation making more sense.

“She looked gorgeous last night.. like a princess” he mutters, his eyes not leaving that one spot in the wall he focused on to make himself not cry “sometimes i wonder.. if i had took the news of her cheating better and not done it back.. where would we be now” his eyes go all glassy “well.. youd probably be trying to fill the void that you once felt was filled by her because you knew she slept with another man” you suggest.. “probably, yeah” he falls silent, snubbing his cigarette out and cuddling you even closer, needing the affection. You run your hands through his hair as he closes his eyes “i just dont understand.. maybe im not perfect but i gave her everything i had to offer.. i put my job on the line for her too many times” he frowns, sighing, you kiss his forehead softly “its not your fault she couldnt see what a handsome, loving, sweet man she had..” you scratch his scalp gently “but now she does.. and i dont know what to do” his bottom lip trembles alittle.

“Nikki she wont treat you any different to what she did, it wont go well if you go for her” “i know, but i miss it.. i miss waking up every morning to my wife and making her breakfast and seeing her at my shows.. i just miss the feeling of being so utterly adored, now i feel like im nobodys.. somebody.. you know?” You tilt your head, trying to understand what he means “im no ones special person anymore.. i have no one that feels complete with me and that i feel completed by” he holds back tears as you scratch his scalp. Nikki was your ‘special person’ and it hurt knowing he didn’t recognise that. “Nikki… your my special person..” he looks up at you, smiling softly “sweetheart thats sweet but.. dont tell me stuff to make me feel better” “im being serious nikki.. i mean it, since ive been here ive just felt so complete” he sighs and moves down to kiss you softly again but you move back “your still in love with the your wife nikki..” you frown and get out of his bed, moving to the living room.

He comes into the living room awkwardly ten minutes later, his face alittle red “do you want breakfast?” You look up to him and nod, smiling “ill get a fry up going” he pats your shoulder and makes his way to the kitchen. He returns with two plates of a classic english fry up and sits beside you, both of you eating silently but thinking of the same thing.. his wife.

“Im sorry..” you start, Nikkis head turning to you “for letting myself become a sort of.. wife model to you.. that wasnt my intention” you search his eyes that sadden “no, i shouldnt have used you as a rebound..” he sees your eyes sadden this time “but its not like i dont have feelings for you, your the most gorgeous woman i know.. your personality is just amazing and you smile is unbelievable-“ “nikki your doing it again” he goes quite, it wasnt even intentional “i cant help it..” he whispers. “Nikki i dont wanna be your rebound, i dont want to be with you so you can forget temporarily but when you’re bored im going in the trash-“ “i wouldnt do that!” He exclaims, feelings frustrated that you think hes capable of hurting you so badly “i wouldnt do that to you” he moves closer, you look up at his desperate eyes and he leans down to kiss you, both of your lips meeting softly.

He moves you back and his hand holds your head, kissing you softly “i wouldn’t do that” he repeats between kisses as you both make out, its filled with love thats been hidden for years.. this was bound to happen “i love..” you cut him off with a kiss “dont say it nikki.. please dont say it” you beg him, he sighs and frowns, watching your desperate eyes “dont shut me down.. i really do love yo-“ hes cut off by the door knocking, he groans and gets up, answering it to his ex wife, she smiles wide and hugs him, you watch in shock from the couch. As she kisses him you storm to your bedroom, even though they had a history your feelings for nikki were getting undeniable and hard to ignore.

Not even 20 minutes later nikkis walking into your room and crawling in beside you, you look at him confused “is she..” “yeah.. i sent her home” his arms wrap around you and he holds you close, his large hands stroking your stomach softly, you cant help but smile.

“I love you”

[chiquititaosita]

if you can, could you write op monster trio with a sick reader? (pre-chopper joining the team)

ive been sick for the past week and one piece has turned into my comfort anime, and i still have a lonv way to go haha

thank you in advance, hope you're having a nice day!

i got you my darling! im just recovering from being sick three weeks ago. (Sinus and chest congestion) please get some rest and remember to try and rest as much as possible. good luck (I’m still getting there with you :) )

Fluff, cute shit. And just vibing

Monster trio with a sick reader (pre- chopper joining)

Luffy

- don’t get me started 😭

- he’s going to want you to rest. Even if you’re feeling fine. He’s going to make sure you’re being taken care for by sanji (since luffy says his soups can help a cold)

-“ NO y/n.. rest.” he’ll say it in a stern like tone

- Out of the times he was serious outside OF FIGHTING

- he’s only harsh on you when you’re sick because he loves you that’s why.

-“I want you to rest! So you can get stronger!”

-“so when you’re strong enough ! I’ll be able to protect you.” He grins as he’s nuzzling your face.

- “hey y/n! how are you feeling?” He’ll walk in with a happiest grin on his face.

- if he doesn’t sleep in your quarters that night or during those nights. When he wakes up you’re the very first person on top of his brain.

-he’ll sometimes surprise you with drawings (I think he draws stick figures sometimes lol) “look what I made you!”-

-“see it’s you me and the treasure we found!”

-“what’ are those other people right there?” You pointed at that pft of the drawing.

-“oh that’s zoro with his swords and sanji smoking a cigarette, nami is there stealing the money. That’s ussopp shooting a cannon. Oh look that’s robin not giving a-“ you love how creative he is.

- when you get better he lets you do more tasks just to stimulate your brain.

- recovery is just him being excited because he knows you’re being loved and cared for

Zoro

-“woah you okay?”

- “y-yeah I’m fi-fine.” you replied in between coughs.

-ngl zoro will drop everything to protect you.

-“you have to rest.. dummy.” he’ll flick in your forehead because you’re a stubborn pendeja

-“noooo i Can get up..” you fell as he picked you up for almost fainting. It had been a few hours since you passed out, and zoro periodically checked up on you everyday. but today felt different.

-zoro went to go and see you. That was until he noticed a blonde male with curly eyebrows humming and holding a dish going into the same direction he’s going to.

-“what’s that for?” Zoro referred to the dish

-“oh this is for Y/n Chan! I heard she was sick, so I made her some soup to cheer her up” he mentioned, and asked why zoro was going to see you

-“I’m checking on her… that’s all.” He blushed lightly, looking away.

-“ you know ever since she came on the sunny. You’ve gotten soft.” Sanji snickered as he was keeping his laughter down.

“Why I outta—-“ he’s just going to argue with him usually but today he had no energy for that.

-“forget it. I guess you’re right I just really care about her you know .” The moss head huffed as he was given the dish.

- “shit I gotta finish dinner!- give this to y/n chwan will you?!” Sanji literally ran off to the kitchen just as zoro made it to your door.

“Oi, y/n Can I come in?” zoro poked his head out of the door.

-“ it’s open.” you mumbled as you were bundled into the blankets. You smelled the soup and poked your head out.

-“hey.. how are you feeling?” he placed the dish of soup down on the little table near you, and gazed upon you. Zoro had missed your face. He hated seeing you feeling unwell, and miserable.

-“I’m okay. Just bored…sick and out of my mind….what’s that for.?” You pointed at the soup

-“curly made you dinner and wanted you to eat first. He said he hopes you feel better.” He rolled his eyes over the words about a certain cook. You couldn’t help but chuckle

-“awe that’s sweet of him. But what about you?” You gestured him to come lay with you, and he plopped himself onto your warm body, clinging onto you like a little koala.

-“ why did you come back? I thought you were training.” you hugged him as he laid on top of you, he hadn’t thought about it like that. Zoro just missed hearing your voice motivating him to keep going, seeing your smile, hearing your voice, especially seeing you looking adorable when mad or yelling. Annoying him while training.

- Literally you were like his personal chihuahua. It just didn’t feel the same without your presence near him. Especially when y’all took naps together after training or if y’all just felt lazy.

-“i- well- um. I finished early. it was just..that I like- training with you more. It was annoying to not hear you yell my name ‘zoro this zoro that zoro can we take a break my boobs hurt?’ ‘Zoro carry me. Zo-Chan hold my hand. ‘“ he mocked your voice and it made you laugh as you nuzzled into it.

-“Awee so you did miss me..” you nuzzled him, as he pulled himself up to hug you in the bed.

-“don’t push it..” he rolled his eyes as he kissed the top of your head.

-“I love you.”

-“ I love you too you big goof.” You sighed happily as you knew you were the luckiest woman on earth.

Sanji

- now him HEHEHEHE OMG

- the minute he noticed you were sick, you missed breakfast and you never EVER MISS BREAKFAST! You get up around the same time as sanji.

- “y/n- my loveee! It’s time to get up!!” He sang as he tried to wake you up from you quarters.

-“ really? It’s too early .” you coughed into your fist. You sounded very congested, and your eyes looked so puffy. Your natural bed head with your textured mane, all over the place. he was in awe of how beautiful you sounded in the morning!!

-Sanji immediately gasped as he heard your voice. “Oh no! My Angel! You’re sick!! please lay down to rest! Your prince is going to take care of you!!” he kissed the top of your head, placing your tea near the night stand.

“S-sanji i’m f-fine!!” You tried to push him off your shoulders that was until you ran to the bathroom. acid reflux! or even food poisoning DUN DUN DUN. You must’ve felt like your guts were being rearranged and not the good kind. Luckily it was not sanjis cooking. Because he would’ve been crushed. It was someone else’s leftovers from the previous island you brought in.

-he immediately ran after you, patting your back. “It’s okay, darling. Let it out. you’ll be okay.” He’ll gently pull away your hair out of your face. when you finished throwing up you began to wash up. You went to the kitchen to see if you could put up your cup of tea and wash it.

-that was originally the plan until your blonde man put his hand over your hand, disposing his cigarette immediately after seeing you in sweatpants and a big baggy tshirt. His eyes go into heart shapes.

- “You look adorable as ever.” He coos and pinches your cheeks. you rolled your eyes at him.

-“oh hush your face babe. ..” you mumbled as he embraced you.

-“let me wash that cup for you. Go sit down I’ll make you a plate ” he kissed your cheeks, and booped your nose then forcing your stubborn ass to sit down, after taking your empty cup of tea away from you. you just loved how he shook his hips and sang a little song about you making your plate. it’s one of the reasons you fell in love with him.

-“are you singing [song name]??” You giggled

“Yup!!! Because it’s your fault! You got it stuck.in . My. Head.” He poked you jokingly and lovingly at the end of each syllable. Serving you a cup of fruits and sweets.

-“oh shut up you!! how was breakfast?” You asked him as you were tracing the table cloth, sitting in your seat. You’re not even used to the princess treatment that he’s been giving you.

-“ it was good, I already told everyone you weren’t feeling well, they went off the ship already to gather resources and meds to make sure you feel better” you smiled at him already as he made you some avocado toast, taking a bite of the dishes your face lit up, as you did a little happy dance.

- you know when the food is delicious when you do a happy dance when you eat.

- “Oh my how this is amazing.I’m so happy I can taste your food!” you smiled at him with a little sniffle

-“oh y/n merolineee! the way you compliments me takes me a few steps from ascending into heaven.”

- yes overall Sanji best boy to take care of you during pre chopper era.

[promise-you-wont-write]

my boy

Summary: Tim wants to know who Hawk belongs to. The answer isn't what he expects.

Words: 783

Warnings: 1980s & Tim is dying

Notes: This is a prompt fill for @promiseyouwillwrite. The prompt was: Who do you belong to except Tim gets to be the possessive one this time. Any time period, just as long as Tim gets to have his turn.

===============================================

“Who do you belong to?” Tim asked in the dead of night, the whoosh and beeps and purrs of the machines driving him nuts. He hadn’t slept a wink, not really. He would close his eyes but he was never really sleeping. Hawk stirred on the cot and hummed, blinking bleary eyes.

“Wha’d you say?” he mumbled, rubbing at his eyes. He’d cried himself to sleep again – what was it now, three? Four nights of this? The moment they said goodnight, the moment Tim began to drift off, his heart would break for all of the wasted years, for all of his stupid pride.

“Who do you belong to?” Tim asked again, and Hawk looked up into Tim’s dark eyes with a fondness that he’d thought had long since passed. These were not the heady days of quick lunch hour sex or eye fucking across the room at a political party. Tim was dying and Hawk thought he might be too. At the sound of Tim’s voice, he smiled wearily and urged his aching old bones upward until he was sitting, until he was leaning forward, until they were sharing a breath.

“You.”

“Me?” Tim asked, his brows drawing together curiously. Hawk nodded and yawned, daring to kiss Tim ever so lightly on the lips. Just a brush of skin, of heat and breath and smile.

“It’s always been you,” Hawk whispered. “Didn’t you know that?”

Tim frowned, scrunching his nose. “I guess I didn’t.”

“Well, now that you know...I guess I need to try harder to make sure you don’t forget it.”

“I guess you do…” Tim was fading, the drugs they had him on kept him bobbing just beneath the surface most of the time. They calmed the storms, kept the seizures at bay, but they certainly didn’t make him a very good conversationalist. Hawk was wide awake now, though, and his back hurt. This cot wasn’t doing him any favors, he was not a young man anymore.

“I’m going to take a walk,” he said, brushing the hair from Tim’s forehead. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Promise?”

Hawk kissed him on the forehead and Tim reached up with one trembling hand, stretching the limits of his IV, to touch Hawk’s ear. To run his fingertips over the cup of his ear. He smiled wistfully, as if that simple touch had sewn together entire frayed universes. Hawk could see the magic in his eyes, and for a split second he thought maybe he shouldn’t leave yet. The moment passed and Tim let his eyes slip closed as he waited for Hawk’s response.

“I promise.”

And for once, he didn’t have any ulterior motives. No quickie in a bathroom waiting, no pint of vodka to find in the freezer so he could get just a nip to keep him even, no trip down to the corner bar for a glass of whiskey to take the ache in his back away. The ache meant he was alive, it reminded him where he was and how much he stood to lose. The ache kept him honest, but the walk down to the gift shop to peer into the dark windows, to look at the balloons and the cheerful floral displays, it was a nightly routine. The roses and tulips and baby’s breath, the teddy bears, the candies, they were all for people who still had hope and he was living on borrowed time. There was nothing in that shop for him. He would hook a left from the door to the darkened gift shop and step out into the courtyard for a smoke, mourning the days when he could have just lit one up right inside. The foray into the fresh air would do him some good, and allow him to cry a few more tears far enough away that Tim wouldn’t have to listen to him sobbing. This was the only thing he could leave Tim’s side for now, and even still he felt guilty. What if Tim was alone when he died? What if this cigarette took him away at the exact wrong time? But he was a man who played the odds, and the tremor in his hand and the racing of his heart needed to be calmed so he could come back and sleep. So he could resume his night watch.

“I didn’t raise my boy to be a cry baby…” Tim whispered as Hawk grabbed his jacket from the hook beside the bed. Tim’s smile was impish in the low light. “Suck it up, buttercup. And bring me a popsicle when you come back...please.”

Hawk nodded and forced a smile through his tears. “I’ll be right back, Skippy.”

[minminho0]

✤------------------------------------------✤

◈Forgotten◈

✤------------------------------------------✤

<Kunikuzushi/Scaramocuhe x Reader>

-Angst ~ fluff?

Gender: Female

Summary: You were Kuni's childhood best friend but after the incident, he suddenly disappeared and you slowly forgot about him until you dont know what he looked and sound like.

Warnings: death, stalking, ghosted, fire, bad decision (thats all i think)

A/n: Feel free to correct my grammar!

Kunikuzushi>>>other versions of him

i hope you enjoy~!

--

"Oh! Im sorry!"

Someone said while lending me a hand.

"Huh?" I looked up and saw a cute little boy with a worried expression painted on his beautiful face. I held his hand and he helped me up. He was really adorable that you cant help but blush a little.

"Im really sorry!! I didn't know where i was going!"

"Oh no- dont apologize! I didn't look where i ws going to!" I said while scratching the back of my head.

"Oh! Let me help you pick that up" helping him pick up the boxes that fell down when you two bumped into eachother

When you two are done picking the box up and giving it to the customer, you asked him to be your friend.

You learned that he's name was Kunikuzushi

After that day you two became very close.

You two are practically attached to the hip!

He's really shy and kind of timid but its ok you can work with it! (>>>>>>>>>>>)

He's so amazing that you even formed a little crush on him.

"And they live happily ever after!"

"Kuni, when will we get our own happily ever after?"

"I dont know maybe when we grew old?"

"But what if we didn't"

"Then maybe in our next life?"

"Ehhhhh"

He helped you anyway he can and ofc you helped him too.

Your crush on him grew day by day that you feel like your heart is going to explode.

"Umm..Kuni i want to tell you something"

"Oh sure!"

You lead him somewhere noone can hear you two.

"Kuni..i really like you.."

"Me too! I really like you too! Youre a good friend!"

"Oh- no-"

Before i can correct him, someone called onto him and he suddenly left not before saying bye.

You felt your heart deflate.

You were so sad but you cant blame him since hes kind of dense.

.

.

.

One day you smell smoke coming from outside. You came out only to be greeted by Kuni's house burning.

You looked around and saw no signs of him.

You were about to go inside the burning house but your mother pulled you aside.

.

.

.

You really dont know what was going on but all you know is that Kuni is nowhere to be seen and Hes been gone for weeks now.

After the accident, you asked everyone in the village if they have seen Kuni around but no luck.

.

Its been a few months now and youre still searching for him.

Your heart yearned for him. You miss his voice, looks, and everything you miss him so much.

.

.

.

Years has passed since you last seen him.

You were slowly healing from his sudden lost of contact.

Its was a long journey, youve been trying to search for him for so long but all in vain.

You decided to just give up and move on with life.

Along the journey, you met someone Kazuha.

You learned that he likes to travel around and you decided to tag along since why not.

You slowly forget about Kuni along your journey and was slowly replaced by your new found crush, Kazuha.

.

.

.

You were walking around Inazuma when you suddenly felt like you were being watched, you turned around and saw people just minding their own business.

When you turned back around, you suddenly bumped into someone.

"Ah-! Im so sorry!!" You said while looking up

You saw that the young lad have a very familiar face, cute pair of eyes and beautiful indigo hair.

"Do i know you?" You mumbled.

"Tch. No and watch where your going next time."he said walking past me.

"Huh-" before you can say anything, he already dissapeard from your sight.

.

.

.

After that encounter you cant stop thinking about him, he just look so familiar.

"Y/N!"

"Huh-"

"Ah finally ive been calling you for the past minute. Is somethign bothering you?"

"Idk kazuha...I met someone a while ago that looks oddly familar.."

.

.

Ever since that day you feel like you were being watched. Every where you go, you cant get this feeling off. Even if you go to other lands you just keep feeling like you were being followed.

One night, you decided to go walk through the forest which is a very bad idea since you got attack by some treasure hoarders.

Before you could get hit, someone appeared Between you and the hoarder.

"Huh?" You looked up and saw that familar indigo hair facing his back at you.

He quickly deafeted all the treasure hoarders.

"H-hey! Thank you for saving me" you yelled.

"Tch." Then he dissapeard.

"Y/n! Where are you!?"

"Y/n! Are you ok!?"

"Huh kazuha? What are you doing here?"

"Thats not important right now are you ok!?"

"Ah ye.."

.

.

.

Years later

You and kazuha finally grew old.

Alot has happened since then.

You two sacrificed alot for the future that you two are experiencing now.

Kazuha finally retired fron travelling around.

You two got married after 5 years of dating.

The traveller have finally returned into their own world, it was sad but every journey has its end.

That feeling of being watched is still there tho youre finally used to it, so you dont really mind.

Even tho you grew old you were still protected by that same indigo hair guy.

You never saw his face nor did you hear him speak, you also dont know his name since he always dissapears when his job is done.

.

Here you are on your death bed.

You got a deadly disease that dosent have a cure.

Kazuha is holding your hand crying knowing that youll die any minute now.

You were tired.

You want to sleep.

Before you close your eyes forever, you told kazuha that youre thankful for him and wished that he wouldn't join you in the afterlife soon.

At the corner of your eye you saw him.

The same man who protected you all those years.

You finally saw his face.

His face is painted with sorrow and anger.

But not at you tho.

You looked at him and smiled and mouthed the word 'thank you'

As you took your last breath and closed your eyes, a single tear run down your face, smiling knowing that youve done everything you wanted to do.

Every journey has it end and you finally got yours.

.

.

.

When Kazuha finally left the room, Kuni approached you and gently kissed your forehead and mumbled

"Im sorry i left you that day maybe in another life we can have our own happily ever after." As he dissapeard.

.

.

.

--

*Masterlist*

Finally its done!😮‍💨

Took me a while since i didn't saved my work so i had to restart it over again.

I hope you enjoyed it~!

Happy valentines day every one!!

-February 14, 2023

[braimrotting]

My playlist as QSMP

(warning im shit at english lang so my interpretation of songs may be way off... im also ace and often miss romantic implication so.. yeah if a song has lyrics which are like about an s/o and i havent specified i probably dont mean for it to be shipping)

songs included: tongues & teeth (the crane wives), pink in the night (mitski), gb eating gb whilst listening to gb (crywank), going to brighton (fresh)

TONGUES & TEETH - The Crane Wives hideduo fit pov fit as a self serving survivalist from a wasteland experiencing love in this cursed fuckin island • "ive grown a mouth so sharp and cruel its all that i can give to you my dear" habits from 2b2t even little things like his lack of trust, hasnt confided his true intentions to anyone - constant lies by omission - hes flawed and hes recognised it • "if you're fine with that you can be mine like that" theres very much something going on with hideduo but fit is insistent on his baby steps bc he doesnt want to hurt pac. 'are you fine with that?' • "you gotta know that this wont last" this is soooo fit coded bffr. i adored the conversations fit n ramon had but one thing that stuck out to me was that he would always specify that only he and ramon would escape. never mentioned anyone else. selfish in the most understandable way • "i will ruin you, its a habit i cant help it" again 2b2t ingrained habits that never leave. linked w above point, hes selfish and that isnt necessarily a bad thing just not great for a blossoming relationship • "i will love u like the ashes in my cigarette box" hc 2b2t!fit smoked - ramon told him off once but now that the baby's gone hes picked it up again, a headcanon bc i cannot imagine ccfit smoking since hes such a health buff - feels so out of character lmao strong thoughts about qfit no one even try to fight me - his entire character occupies a space in my brain PINK IN THE NIGHT - Mitski phissa missa pov devotion easy • "i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you" • "can i try again and again and again" i dont think i need to say more - tbh this could go for guapoduo too but the "can i try again" made me think of missa + how he wants to live up to phils expectations

GB EATING GB WHILST LISTENING TO GB - Crywank phissa still missa pov

"in a busy room youre all i see" literally THEM sorry during the mexican independence event they were literally all they could see.. them doing the dance together - it may as well have just been the 2 of them + phil jumping in front of missa to take pics of him alone w/o him noticing

"calm down dont let her see how fast your heart is beating" missa saying "im speaking weird so the translator doesnt pick up, i love you" THIS GUYYYYYYYY

"i think about you but i know im not good enough" bffr mr missa "ill come back when im a good enough father" sinfonia

"and I built you up to much, now I can't say what's on my mind in case I go and scare you away" missa doesnt want to burden phil because he feels like hes been such a bad father compared to phils dedication - now that hes back he doesnt want to disappoint him anymore

"and how could i compete with the world at your feet" missa coming back to like 3 men at phils whim LMAO

"i wouldn't want to hurt you by letting you hurt me you don't deserve to feel guilty"

"i just want you in my life"

sorry im so obsessed with their puppy love GOING TO BRIGHTON - Fresh tubbo coded, i mean with the name i had to give it to him in my mind hes talkin to phil • "things i care the most about dont seem to ever get old" his excitement over everything even the simplest things is so refreshing • "i feel the fire inside me trains passing over head" his determination posing a unique threat to the feds and i feel like its such an important part of his character. also he likes trains :) • "there are things i learnt inside my head that they cant ever take away from me" lil bugs and just knowledge of the game make him a great bug tester for the admins lmao. this guy takes any chance to glitch his way through life

"starting over is a sign of strength"

also honorary mention to that one person who said the garden was codebreakerduo coded because you are so right and true and based and i think of that post everytime i listen to that song. being so normal by peach pit was very celltw (is that what pac and cellbit are called?) to me but i didnt really have much reasoning

[ifhymona]

٭* Not Too Late *٭

Chapter 4 | chino moreno x reader

chapter 3 ~ chapter 5 | ao3

1.6k words

a/n: !! PLEASE READ !! the chapter is going back to y/n and chino’s argument, in case anyone is confused !

chino’s pov:

she turned around and walked away. that hurt. i stood there for a second thinking to myself. i remembered telling her those things but i also dont. at the time, i was more focused on the fact that she told me to break up with her. my mind kind of blocked out what i said. it hurt even more when a week later she cheated on me. i hated that she was right. that she knew something i didn’t.

when i walked back inside, the guys were all huddled around the door acting like they weren’t listening.

i looked at them and they looked at me. “you heard her!”

“she didn’t mean it though, right?” stephen asked. i stood quiet with my eyes on my feet. “right?” he exclaimed.

“did you guys hear everything?” they all looked at each other and nodded. i sighed. “she meant every word she said.”

chi spoke up. “you should go home chino. we’ll all meet back up in two days and check in, alright?”

i was grateful towards chi. despite my actions, he was still my friend when i needed it.

i nodded and we all packed up at went home.

~

here i am watching star wars for like the millionth time. star wars always helped me feel better when i was in a funk. no matter how many times ive seen it, it will always be my favorite. i even still use a star wars lunch pail anytime we go to a venue in case i get hungry.

but this time, it wasn’t helping me the slightest bit. all i could think of were y/n’s harsh words.

“you’re the most selfish person i know and i want nothing to do with you.” i repeated her words back to myself. “i mean how could she say that? we used to have so much fun together. she aint’t no saint either. what about that one time we all went to the skate park and she didn’t even talk to me. not once. she was only talking to ethan smith. she knew how much i hated ethan too.”

who am i kidding? what i did to y/n was way worse. i just couldn’t stand the fact that she was right. that she basically predicted the future. when i discovered cassandra with another dude, it felt as if my world was crumbling apart. i had lost my girlfriend and my best friend.

i thought i loved cassandra. she was the first girl to ask me out. every guy has a phase where they’re obsessed with their first girlfriend, that’s just how it goes. but after i found her cheating, i slowly grew a resentment towards her. i didn’t understand why i was even with someone like her. but now, i’m neutral about her. that was just a dumb high school relationship. but with y/n it was different.

when i broke up with her, i found myself waiting for y/n’s call for hours hoping she would put everything aside and things would go back to normal. but it never came. i missed y/n more and more. but i couldn’t believe that she had just left so easily. like we didn’t a past together. i didn’t like her like that. i just needed a friend.

after graduation, i stopped seeing y/n less and less. eventually, i started moving on from her. then i got with the band and life has been great. that was until she came back in the picture to be our assistant. when i seen her name in that paper, i didn’t wanna believe it was her. but it was. now i feel like i’m going crazy over her.

i stood up to go smoke a cigarette since star wars wasn’t helping me. i stood on my balcony still trying to erase my thoughts about y/n. but i couldn’t help feeling like an asshole.

my mind kept going back to the memories we used to make. like when we shared a PE class sophomore year and we would always talk and joke and mess around.

or when i snuck into her art class to see her but got kicked out after we started laughing too hard.

or when i would go to the bathroom and would pass her class walking back to mine. i would wave to her through the window and somehow she noticed me each time.

she always had her hair down and it was long and thick but naturally flowy. she would always tuck her hair behind her right ear. i always liked it when she would do that. i don’t even know why i remember that.

i wanted to apologize. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized how much of a bad idea it might be. i missed y/n and i was stupid enough to lose her. what if she really did want nothing to do with me? what if i went to her house and it ends up backfiring on me? what if i apologize and she doesn’t accept it? what if i lose her for good? i needed to give her some space.

~

me and the band were practicing a new song that we had just came up with. but the whole time, i wasn’t feeling it and you could hear it in my voice too.

“okay stop stop stop.” chi shouted. “what is up with you today, man? your voice keeps cracking dude and i miss your little whiny voice.” he said sarcastically. i smiled but didn’t respond.

chi walked my way. “is it really that bad?” he said while holding my shoulders. i nodded.

chi sighed and told everyone, “let’s take 5.”

me and chi sat down on the couch and he asked “is this about y/n?”

“yes. i’ve just been thinking about what she told me and i never felt like this much of an ass before.”

“look man, you need to snap out of it. why don’t you just say sorry?”

“because i’m scared that if i say sorry, she’ll think im lying and never wanna talk to me again.”

chi bursted out laughing. “i love you chino but sometimes you’re such an idiot. if you and y/n have a past and you know that what you’re saying is genuine, then i doubt she’s never gonna wanna see you again. you need to man up and say sorry before it’s too late. plus we still need an assistant and the band has been lacking without her help so you need apologize either way. so go and talk to her right now because we need her.”

chi was right. i’m glad i had someone like chi to keep me in check.

~

after skating for 15 minutes, i had finally arrived at her house.

when i knocked on her front door, her mom had answered.

“is that camillo moreno?? i haven’t seen you in ages! how have you been?”

“hi mrs. l/n. i’ve been good, just got busy with my own life i guess.” i shrugged. “is y/n here?”

“yes but she hasn’t left her room in days so good luck with her.” she sighed.

i didn’t realize how badly i had hurt her. hearing her mom say that made me feel worse. but this wasn’t about me.

i knocked on her door. “leave me alone!” y/n shouted. i walked in anyway.

her room was a mess. there were clothes everywhere but luckily no old food plates.

“jeez this place is a mess.” i teased.

“go away, chino. didn’t i tell you i wanted nothing to do with you?” i knew i was right. this is going terrible already. i should just leave.

but i didn’t want to. i needed to fix this. “you did but since im so selfish, im gonna do what i wanna do.” i joked.

no response. i knew i shouldn’t have said that.

“oh come on, y/n. ive been thinking about what you told me and.. i’m sorry.”

no response. i needed to get her back into my life. i need to tell her how much she means to me.

i sat down at the foot of her bed. “you’re right. it was selfish of me to expect all those things from you. at the time, i thought cassandra was my everything. despite all the bad signs, i only payed attention to the good ones. i guess i was just so caught up with cassandra that i failed to realize i had lost the most important person in my life, you.”

she sat up. her hair was tangled and greasy. her eyes were glossy and red. her nose was stuffed and she had eye bags. but despite all that, she still looked beautiful.

“jesus you look like shit.”

“yeah i wonder why camillo!” she shouted at me.

it went silent. “you have every right to be mad at me. but there’s no reason to leave the band.” i looked into her eyes. “the band hasn’t been the same without you and the guys really miss you. they keep reminding me that i screwed up big time and that i needed to fix it.” she laughed. how much i had missed her laugh.

“y/n, i really am sorry about everything.” we stared at each other. “you know, i will admit that i did miss you a lot. like a lot a lot.”

she smiled. “me too camillo.”

i hugged her. not only because i thought she needed it but also because i needed it too.

“how did you even get in anyway?” she asked.

“i hopped through a window.” i smirked.

she punched my arm. “ow! your mom had let me in, you jerk.” we both fell into laughter.

i love being around her. she’s my best friend. i missed laughing with her like this and i will do everything to make this friendship last.

a/n: please leave a like and a repost if you enjoyed todays chapter !! chapter 5 will be out next week. lots of love <3

[delicrieux]

ᴀ ɢ ɴ ᴏ ꜱ ᴛ ɪ ᴄ

pairing—eddie munson x fem!reader genre—comedy, romance, coming of age drama, angst warnings—swearing, drinking, smoking cast—y/n, dustin, eddie, mike, max word count—3.3k

—you know of him, and he knows of you, but neither of you know anything about each other. you’re on the cheer squad, little miss perfect queen supreme right after chrissy ‘lovely’ cunnigham and he is someone you never thought about…that is, until detention one year before graduating.

author’s note: part twooooo! sorry for the delay ive been busy. we got angst at the front and fluff at the back, party people!!! lets gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo also this is written from eddie’s perspective bcs all of my fics must have a change in perspective or else i will die

masterlist. kofi. check out the summer features here! back to part one ♥ part 2.1

PART 2: TRUE BLUE HOW ARE YOU

If God is real then the only reason he put Eddie on Earth is to suffer. Ashes to ashes, he doesn’t even like David Bowie, but ashes to ashes, funk to funky, everyone knows Eddie Munson’s a junkie, strung out in heaven's high, hitting an all-time low.

He never believed in a higher power, and honestly, he thought that whole worship stuff is kinda cult-y – and not the cool cult-y, but like the weird, creepy cult-y – but this song plays on the radio as he sits in his truck and it’s gotta be a sign, it’s gotta. He’s willing to believe just about anything right now, especially after kissing you.

You, kissed you, you as in the cheerleader high school darling everyone adores, you as in pretty face and pretty smile that existed in his peripherals as nothing more than an impossible daydream. He never really thought about you, not in seriousness at least. Sure, there was the passing thought of what it would be like if he was nothing like himself or you were nothing like he thought you were. But it was an idea he seldom entertained, not wanting to deal with a consequence of an unrequired crush. He never had a chance with you to begin with. He’d rather save himself the hurt.

…What the fuck was he supposed to do now?

Maybe it was just a very realistic and intense hallucination. .

He’d believe that, no doubt. Only if he couldn’t still smell your lingering perfume when he closed his eyes.

This is a waking nightmare. He’s going insane. He knew one day it’ll happen, but now it’s happening for real.

As if school couldn’t get any worse, but seeing you pass by without even a glance in his direction feels like a stab in the chest. Either that or his stomach cramps up whenever you’re within his radius, or years of smoking are finally catching up to him. Whichever one it is, he has to fight the urge to throw himself in the opposite direction. He’s ashamed, and shame burns like acid and weighs him down like lead. Ashamed of what, exactly? That memory of you in the janitor’s closet, the small plight of hope he felt when you clung to him, how he ran away. He’s good at that, running away — has had plenty of practice. He wonders if that’s just how it’s gonna be his whole life, now: shamefully fleeing at the sight of danger.

And it is dangerous being involved with someone like you. You come with an added risk of a hard beating if he looks at you funny and slow acting poison that is the absolute psychological torture of you being so close yet so far. He hears your voice in the cafeteria; sees you rushing down corridors in your tiny cheerleader skirt; notices you smiling, a bit flustered, when you find flowers in your locker. He wasn’t the one to put them there. He wouldn’t dare. Fucking coward.

People started noticing. He’s distracted, distressed, more eccentric than usual. He’s trying so hard to appear normal (whatever it is that is normal to Eddie Munson), that he’s acting abnormal.

“Dude,” It’s Dustin, Eddie’s chickadee that he adopted into his little club of misfits. He breaks the brief silence hanging between them in the cafeteria, “are you okay?”

“What?” Eddie’s eyes promptly flee from your form at the other side of the room, “Yeah,” he blinks, rushed, “why?”

Dustin shrugs, “You just…been acting weird. Weirder than usual. And that says something, cuz you’re a fuckin’ nutcase, man.”

Eddie grins, and he wonders if they can tell that it’s shaky, that he’s nervous, that he thinks they’ll figure it out soon, and if they do, he’ll never be able to live it down, “Oh, I’ll show you weird, Henderson.” He’s about to do something stupid – jump on the table or scream or whatever his first instinct is, but you suddenly pass by hand in hand with Chrissy and take all of his resolve with you. His eyes pathetically follow after you, and so do the heads of the boys in Hell Fire.

A collective realisation washes over them like a cold wave.

Dustin gapes, “No fucking way.”

“Dude.” Mike utters, eyes wild, “Are you for real?”

“That’s fucked.” Dustin comments.

“What?” Eddie snaps, “What the fuck are you even talking about?”

“You,” Dustin points his fork at him, “and (Name).” The hand holding the utensil forms into a fist and he smacks it onto the table, “Fucked, I say.”

“Oh, c’mon!” Eddie whines, leaning into his seat and throwing his hand over the back of the chair, “She just…walked by and I looked. Sue me.”

“Oh yeah, that’s totally what happened. Sure as fuck you weren’t just checking her out when the basketball team is right there. You have a death wish or something?”

Maybe Dustin’s right. Maybe he does have a death wish. Only blissful oblivion would save him from this…this tightness in his chest, the shortness of breath, the sudden spike in anxiety whenever you’re around. The harsh slap of disappointment. He knows it can never be anything than what it is right now, he always knew, and still it’s a hard pill to swallow, still he chokes on it.

The questions continue and slowly transform into jeers. They think it’s funny, funny how you suddenly caught his eye, but they don’t know, they just don’t fucking know, man, that for a moment, a single instance, he had caught yours, too.

Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe you meant what you said that you make-out with anyone who’s just…there. Right time right place. If it was anyone else but him, would you still have done what you did? He’d like to think that no, you’re not like that. But as of now, as of this very moment, he doesn’t know what to think. He feels confused and maybe a bit used. Like a toy thrown out after it outlived its purpose. You had your weed and your kiss and an entertaining detention – isn’t that what he’s known for, entertaining? He got what he deserved, and you got what you wanted.

It’s an early fucking morning and he’s drunk and high and barely makes it back home into his trailer. The small steps upwards had never been so strangely placed, and if he was one shot deeper he could swear they were upside down. He’s back from whatever hole he crawled out of and in this state of numbing drunkenness and on the verge of passing out he thinks that, hey, life’s really not that bad, eh? Sure, he failed like the fucking loser he is and, and, get this – guess who wasn’t present during graduation? Bull’s-eye! This guy! Not like they had anything for him, anyway. Whatever. Who gives a shit? Third times the charm or whatever.

It’s always whatever, because if it’s even once not a whatever it’s suddenly holy shit I really am a fucking failure I really am just like my dad. Best not to think of that. He spits that thought out right into dirt beside his trailer. Who knows, maybe a flower will grow there.

Swings open the door, tumbles in, doesn’t bother locking it. He’s probably being loud but uncle sleeps like a log so it’s not like he’s gonna wake up and do anything – what would he even say if he did? Eddie’s not in a creative mood, so he refrains from commenting and instead stumbles to the sink. The tap is running and ringed fingers submerge under ice cold water. He splashes his face. Sighs. He feels hot and nauseous and vaguely curious what would happen if he let the sink fill and dipped his head in. Probably would wash out all of the shit from his system. His brain needs a good cleaning.

And so the baptism commences.

“Fuuuuuucckkkk this,” He hisses out, rivulet dripping from his hair, his chin; his eyes are fixated out the window and into the pale morning, “stop,” he mumbles, rubs his face, “fucking haunting me, for fuck’s sake.”

Not even in his drunken, delirious stupor can he escape you. The image of you will probably plague him long after you have moved away to California or wherever your heart desires; long after you’ve left Indiana and high school behind.

But here you are, and now that he gets a better look at you, you don’t really look how you usually do. No new fine clothes or fixed hairdo – just some t-shirt that’s way too big for you and shorts (jorts?) that should rest on the middle of your thighs but cover your knees.

But that’s not any of his clothes, so it can’t be a dream. He’s also pretty sure no one you hang around would give you a ‘Best dad!’ shirt to wear, unless, of course, you’re married. He doesn’t think that you are, pretty sure he would’ve heard that at school. God he hopes you’re not married. To some loser, especially.

Why is he thinking about this, again?

Right, you’re dressed incognito in Hawkins’ shittiest neighbourhood, just back from wherever the fuck with a pair of binoculars and a bag. Not suspicious at all.

He leans onto the sink, cusses under his breath when the water overflows and promptly turns it off. Closer and closer to the window and suddenly another player makes themselves known: a kid from a nearby trailer that moves here fairly recently. Ah, fuck, what was her name again? He can’t recall, but he sure as shit recognizes that sour facial expression and, yeah, that’s Billy’s sister.

He groans. Hits his head a few times on the glass. He’s too drunk and too tired to figure out what are you doing with Billy’s sister, but his mind hates him so he physically tries to get away from those thoughts. Staggers into his room and throws himself onto his bed. The mattress bounces a few times and the hinges squeak and he closes his eyes.

Billy was…terrible. To Eddie, especially. Liked to throw hands and nearly took Eddie’s eye out once. Maybe he just hated the fact that Munson had better hair.

But it makes sense, makes so much sense he’s honestly astounded that even half-lucid he’s still a genius. Billy was popular. You are popular. Billy probably tried making a move on you, and judging by the fact that you’re hanging out with his sister at five in the morning, it probably worked. He’d heard rumours, something about Hargrove having the hots for (Lastname), but he never really paid them any mind. God, Billy’s winning even beyond the grave. Fucking asshole.

No, wait, that was rude, Eddie takes that back, he doesn’t want to speak ill of the dead. Even if he doesn’t like Billy, he supposes he couldn’t have been that bad if you liked him. Then again, Eddie’s a loser and you made-out with him, so your judgement might be at least somewhat untrustworthy.

Who cares. Huzzah, an end to another bitter day.  He’ll just fall asleep now and forget all about you and Billy and that shirt really doesn’t suit you – not that it looks bad, you don’t look bad in anything, but Eddie thinks he could find you a better shirt, one of his, of course, maybe the Black Sabbath one? It’s clean, so that’s a plus, and it would look too big on you, which is also a plus, and—

He hits his head a few times. Turns out he wasn’t lying when he said you’d be the death of him.

Another cool summer morning. The fog lingers behind his windows and dew collects on the glass. His uncle had been out for the night and so good boy Munson stayed up playing his electric guitar. Enthusiastic cords gradually died down into sombre melodies as tiredness seeped in. Eventually, his most beloved guitar was replaced with an acoustic one.

Summer had, so far, been the same as it always was – shooting the shit and trying not to think he has to repeat a year again. At least uncle wasn’t as disappointed as Eddie was, but then again, uncle seems to believe in him for reasons unknown. Hi faith is misplaced. Nothing good will amount from the youngest Munson and maybe…that’s okay.

It was automatic. He just looked outside as he was putting away his guitar and saw you. You, again, different shirt, but still with your bag and binoculars. Each time he stayed up to see the sunrise he’d see you, too. It felt oddly comforting, knowing that you lurked around here, almost like wishing him goodnight. It’s getting hopeless, he’s getting hopeless. But since school is out, and he tries not to frequent where he’s unwanted, this, here, in the city of trailers surrounded by woods and grass that hasn’t been cut in long time, is the only place he ever sees you anymore.

“Night.” He whispers, noting how you turn back and wave Max over. Maxine, he finally figured out her name. Even Maxine doesn’t look as disgruntled as she usually does, just a bit pale. But you have that effect on people. You just make those around you happy (or miserable, but he thinks he’s the exception). It’s good that you keep her company. He doesn’t see her talking with anyone these days.

It’s the end of August and he’s smoking outside his trailer. He isn’t exactly waiting for you to emerge from the trees like some sort of wraith but he’s not exactly blind to the fact that you’re here, either. He taps his foot, jitters with his hands, fiddles with his rings, takes in a few shaky fumes. He’s exhausted. Dishevelled, also, to put it mildly. School’s gonna start soon and so will the campaigns to get him off of the grounds. He always makes himself a joke before anyone else can. It’s wearing down on him. God, what a mess.

But here you are, donned in your ‘Best dad!’ and jorts, truly, it’s a sight for sore eyes. It doesn’t take you long to notice him and the casual step you had been walking in halts for a moment before continuing. Maxine is absent, it seems, and your eyes and he thinks school would be a bit more bearable if you just looked at him. Scratch that, life would.

He manages to give you an awkward smile and an even more awkward wave. You’ll probably ignore him – he would if he was in your shoes, his excommunication was completely warranted by the shit he pulled, but can you blame a guy for being nervous? It was instinct, and shitty one at that, he didn’t even consider that his escape would hurt you, didn’t think you’d care enough.  Nah, who’s he kidding, he just thought about himself.

He nearly chokes when you approach him, and you’re wearing such a neutral expression that he can’t even begin to guess what you’re thinking, “Morning.” You say in a light, raspy voice, as if everything was completely, and always was, fine, “What are you doing up so early?” You inquire, and now he’s sure that he’s dreaming, because a hello and a what’s up is just too good to be true.

“I, uhhh,” He scratches his head, “just—just smoking. Couldn’t sleep.” He admits, flicks his cigarette. Ash lands in the dirt. Ashes to ashes, “What about you? Not your usual scene.”

You hum, “You’d be surprised.” You hold up your binoculars and smile a little, “Bird-watching.”

He whistles, “And here I thought you were out here up to something diabolical.”

“Didn’t say I wasn’t.” You counter, though not unkindly. Friendly, maybe even playful, just like the first time you met. Best detention he’d ever had, hands down, “I just, you know…” You look around as if an explanation would become evident once you do, “It’s peaceful here. No one’s up walking their dog or on an early morning jog, or...I dunno. I come here often. Haven’t seen you once, though.”

“I’m a busy man.”

“I’m sure you are.”

A brief silence lingers and he racks his head for something to say, but nothing really comes to mind. He wants to talk to you a bit longer, admire you a bit more, but the fact that you probably hate him and are only doing this out of politeness unnerves him. He extinguishes his cigarette, stands up and—you are shorter than him, that’s cute. You’re cute. He’d like to tell you that, but he’d probably fumble and bite his tongue or you’d kill him with your binoculars. Max would help you bury him in the backyard. He can see it already.

“Well—“

“—So—“

You both speak at the same time, squeeze out the same painful smile. He motions to you to take the floor, and you nod, “Well, I best be going now. Gotta sneak back in, and all. My parents don’t exactly know that I come here, and,” You look into his eyes and his heart skips a beat, “I’d really appreciate if no one knew about that.”

He lands a hand on his heart, “Your secret’s safe with me, (Name).”

It feels good saying your name again, like it’s meant to roll off of his tongue. It’s tasty, like your kiss.

You smile, “Thanks, Eddie.” But it’s even better hearing you say his. You tilt your head softly to the side, “We’re good, right?”

He sputters. So, wait, you don’t hate his guts? Is this some sort of joke? Will Jason jump out the bushes with a baseball bat and whack him on the head if he replies?

“No, it’s not a joke, and no, Jason isn’t here.”

Dear God, he actually said that aloud. He wonders if cardiac arrest is possible from embarrassment, or at least an aneurysm, because he would take anything at this point, “That’s, uhhh,” His hands land on his hips, “that’s—that’s good to know. And yeah, sure, of course we’re good, you don’t even—didn’t even need to say it.” He catches your gaze, “You’re always good in my book.”

“I mean you did  kinda hurt my feelings but—“ You shrug, “uhmm—well, well it’s not really important now. Just, I just wanted to know if we’re good. ‘Cause I, like, met Robin the other day and all—we went shopping, Gosh, you should have seen the outfits she put me in—and, and I just, I guess I…Thought. About you. If you’re okay. And I wasn’t mad anymore, not really.” You laugh – it’s an airy, pleasant sound, “I mean, I wasn’t even mad at Andy for getting caught so it was stupid of me to be mad at you. So…” You hold out your hand, “Truce?”

It’s a silly question, “…Truce.” He shakes your hand. Small, warm. His shoulders relax. He doesn’t let go instantly but you aren’t quick to pull away either, “By the way, did Robin style you today as well?”

You shake your head with a laugh, “No, no, this I…I came up with myself. Best dad.”

“You’d make an awesome dad, (Name).”

“Thanks, I think so too.”

It passes by in a blur, you, here, talking, smiling, and then he’s one foot in his trailer and watching your retreating back. But you turn around and stop and his heart does, too, “And, Eddie?”

“Yeah?” He calls.

“Don’t be sad. About exams, I mean. It’s gonna be your year, I can feel it.”

He smiles. It feels like the first genuine one he’d had in a while. If you believe in him, than he has no more doubts.

’86 is gonna be his year.

hope you liked it xx

[goodmorningnona]

can i ask what you're withdrawing from? no matter what substance it's so hard. wishing you a smoother ride <3

Like, everything, dude. It was bad. I wasn't planning on being specific about it but like, that was just out of shame and shame is for losers which I am decidedly not, so. Long post incoming, and a lot of information you didn't ask for. I know so, so many people who say that they use too much of their substance of choice and have tried and failed to stop that I just felt the need to really elaborate... plus, it serves as a reminder for me as to why I'm quitting.

Right now I'm struggling with coke withdrawal because I caved literally the day after I started trying to get sober (my roommate gave me a talk about the possibility of transference to worse shit shortly after I declared cold turkey, and well... Sorry if you're reading this, nawee, you were right and I'm trying and I very quickly learned and I'm sorry for being too scared to tell you).

Everyone where I live does coke like drinking fucking water and it's super normalized if you go to bars or parties or clubs or like, fucking anywhere really. Always wanted to try it, did that a year ago, NOPE. Not even once. Don't fuck with coke, kids. Especially when it's so available. And don't be naïve and say you just need to hang out with "the right people" because this can happen to ANYBODY. One moment of hedonistic indulgence and you're fucked.

And that's without the coke being cut with fent, which... mine might've been, man, I've had coke cravings before but never anything this bad. I was being stupid and snorted coke from someone I don't know because I was down for anything because my brain was just screaming at me (if you know what OCD thoughts feel like, drug cravings feel a lot like that). I dunno what a speedball feels like because I'm not a coke connesieur--that's me with weed and shrooms--so I really don't know what I took, and that's like harm reduction 101- know what you're taking, and who you're getting it from. I should also note, I don't even fucking like coke, it was just there so my brain said "why not" (which is generally my attitude to free drugs, which is very very bad).

Anyway, so on to what else was the problem! Why did I need to get sober to start with? Well, I was smoking enough weed that I started to puke every time I did it, and then I greened out in class (see why no one here can know who I am in the academic world?). That was when I realized I had a problem. I was smoking so much weed before class because, to quote the post I literally made just before making this decision: "ive experienced such vile antisemitism in my queer studies class this year that im [...] going to class high...", which essentially amounts to "I am so afraid I need to not feel in order to function." I have no idea if I had anyone in that class fooled as to why I was so fucked up, but I did feign food poisoning after I left the classroom to lie on the cold tile of the public university bathroom and a woman saw me lying there over a toilet and asked if I was okay. The moment I lied was the moment I noticed something was very deeply wrong and had been for a while. I was so sick I considered taking myself to hospital. When I started coming to after coming home and passing out for hours, I remembered why I started doing drugs to start with: they're fun. This wasn't fun anymore.

But with weed, man, I've been smoking weed since I was 15. There was just nothing else to do in my hometown. I never smoked much, and I always knew what I liked because I've been smoking pot for over a decade. I don't even really like weed highs that much; literally it is just something to do when you're bored. Another rule of doing drugs "safely" (there is no safe way to do drugs, only safe-r ways) is don't do them because you're bored or sad or avoiding something etc. I was all three of those things, plus just trying to feel anything but the constant stress and fear. Did I realize something was wrong when my grandpa offered me weed and I felt so relieved to just get high after being sober the whole trip? No, of course not.

So then we can talk about the fact that I was getting nearly blackout drunk twice a week. Genuinely, I'd been trying to drink less prior to this. I had started having really bad stomach problems every time I drank especially wine, so I was trying to cut down (fun fact, this was likely a result from drinking too much in the first place, and I'm very glad I listened to my body). The problem? I don't back down from a challenge. I'll chug anything. If I'm drunk enough, I'm the challenger. I'm the guy who finishes people's drinks because they "know I can" and get me to drink more. Don't even get me started on the fact that people love giving me free drinks for being charming and talented (I... I wish I was kidding but that's just what I've been told). But basically, I see drinking like a competition, and I have two separate friend circles who like to go out every week, ergo, getting properly shitfaced twice a week. Luckily because I had been cutting back, alcohol is the least of my problems right now, it's more the social element that's dangerous and I need to be changing where and how I hang out with people, too. Fun fact: I can drink alone because I don't actually like being drunk (another pro tip- if you don't like how something feels, maybe don't do it!), I just think beer tastes nice, so I'll have one with a meal once in like a literal blue moon (haha... ha. Get it.) Another scary story for you, a friend of mine who is virtually a drinking buddy (red flag #1 and, list of relationships I need to change) and I were drinking at her house (red flag #2) and she invited a new person to introduce me to after taking us outside to smoke a buncha pot (substances in my body at this point: 2) and some cigarettes (substances: 3, red flag #3). I don't even like being crossfaded literally at all (I don't like being drunk or weed high so??? Why would I do this??? The answer is addiction but we're getting to that). I was already very drunk, and beginning to get nauseated from the weed thanks to my new problem when the usually-pleasant dizziness of cigarettes kicked in as we took the lift up to my friend's apartment. My introduction to this new person she was having me meet was me excusing myself to throw up in the bathroom at like 4pm on a Sunday. There is a time and a place, and this was not it.

So let's take a tally: so far, we're at three substances, with two left to go.

Cigarettes. I've learned a lot of people don't even think of them as a drug, which is kind of fucking insane, considering... well, everything about them. I started smoking a little over a year ago because I always thought I'd like it (we'll get into some mild pathology shortly), then continued because it was fun and accessible, and then by October I was smoking more and more because of unavoidable stress (gee I wonder what happened in October that could've caused that!). I was smoking so much that I was smoking through having the fucking FLU and while marching myself to the urgent care for tamiflu I chainsmoked so much I puked in the urgent care for what I lied and told them was "unrelated to why I was there." I only starting smoking more after that. Now, I've never been a pack-a-day type, but once I'd hiked my way up to smoking five a day and feeling absolutely nothing from it--just doing "maintenance"--I wanted to smoke less so it could become fun again. I should also note that I did restrict myself in some ways with cigarettes, because I wouldn't smoke after like, 8pm unless it was a night out because they made me too wired to sleep. Quitting cigarettes has been the hardest thing (which is what everyone says), but it's even harder because 1) they literally help you quit the harder stuff (another fun fact, cigarettes make you crave alcohol and weed less, I saw it in an NIH study somewhere (I can't find it bc I'm bad at Words to do the Google thing); problem is that conversely drinking makes you want to smoke and smoking makes you need to drink more to feel drunk) and 2) This is the one drug I actually genuinely like, and I don't intend on quitting it fully, I just want to reframe it as a fun thing not a maintenance thing, which is really difficult because see point #1.

And finally, shrooms. These guys genuinely were a good idea, for a while. Seriously- shrooms helped me a lot. I take certain medications which happen to prevent or stop bad trips, so I only ever had a good time... for a while. It helped me work out a lot of emotional stuff. No hangover, would feel great for days after... And then I started doing them everyday because I was in the middle of such a bad bipolar episode that I was either manic or suicidal one minute to the next and totally spiralled out of control. I barely even remember those weeks, I just remember not being able to walk hardly because I was so high, crying myself to sleep because I didn't want to be high anymore, I just wanted to be happy. The thing is about shrooms is that they'll only amplify whatever you've got going on, which I consciously knew, but you're not thinking logically when you're in the middle of a bipolar swing. I tried doing them every other week after that, and eventually stopped entirely when I finally realized it wasn't helping. And yes- I was following microdosing advice, it just super isn't for me. I settled on doing one trip a month, which really did help my mental health for a time, but it was just a bandaid, like any addiction is. Then when I started having my additional addiction issues come to fruition I started taking shrooms to go out, and man, taking shrooms as a party drug is so not the move because they're so wonderfully meditative, but I was taking them just because I had some on hand. You can see where the drug problem was starting to be realized. I still genuinely think shrooms can be great but 1) sparingly 2) in the right environment 3) not as an unsupervised mental health aid (especially if you have bipolar). This period of time was really when I started expressing addictive behaviours in a serious way, I think.

I can spot about sixty different reasons I ended up here. Trauma's a good start. Birth father was a serious addict and so was my mom, and later in life my parents were teetotallers because of it. I straight up just thought drugs seemed like a good time because I got into rave music and metal via scene kid culture in like 2010 (which I am still into those things and god it's not helping). Potential of partying in undergrad dashed by lockdown, saved for graduate school emotional breakdowns. Bipolar disorder. Being an academic should be on the list for things that might make you addiction prone, good lord (and not to mention cigarettes being part od the classic academic and poet aesthetics, both of which I am). I like going clubbing and dancing and raves. And really, I just always knew I'd like drugs, had a bucket list of ways I wanted to experience them, and so when I had the ability to do so, I did. Truthfully though, I don't regret any of this. I got the experiences I wanted, and I'm facing the consequences, but for me, that's part of life; there's no use in regretting your actions having very obvious and predictable consequences, like, once it's done, it's done.

Now I'm in the position of smoking half a cigarette a few times a day so I don't take a shitton of benadryl or literally slit my wrists. Now I say that second part very specifically because cutting is also an addiction, and something I have been trying not to do for most of my entire life. Trauma's a bitch like that, and many other comorbidities. I'd avoided cutting entirely until a couple weeks ago and I scared myself so shitless with it that I did a buncha drugs instead! Holy shit, but like... Better? I guess? Basically, I'm so afraid of the world that I'd rather not experience it at all, but I don't actually want to die, so instead I just have to microdose self-destruction so I can feel in control of the fear. See how that sentence could've been about, say, alcoholism or cutting?

My goal is not to be totally clean forever; I do just really like cigarettes and a good beer occasionally, I just don't want it to be a coping mechanism, I want it to be fun, and I want to be alive.

Thank you and everyone for your kind words recently, it has genuinely made getting through this so much easier.

And yes, I'm seeking professional help.