#i just wish things were different in my life a lot. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mewwified · 9 months

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i wish i was different <3

#like there was an easy way for him to fix it but i hate articulating things like that to people bc then i feel like its not from their #heart or emotions but only done to placate me.#sad and disappointed every year on my birthdayyy 🥳#i dont know that ive ever had a happy birthday 😳!#some day 💭!!! i will make it happen!!#like i wanted him to say ok originally but twhen he didnt id have rather he had just apologized and fully explained his reasoning and #still stayed home lol. but i felt guilty then bc i felt like now i was being irresponsible and having him be irresponsible #im 27 but it feels nice to be nice to myself for one day out of the year yk?..#sigh <3 #and then like id want him to call and fix it but i know that wont happen since he's not really the type which is fine #i just wish things were different in my life a lot.#anyway happy birthday to me though sincerely i will do whatever i can to make your day special <3

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icewindandboringhorror · 8 months

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I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :

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(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )

#tumblr polls #hrmm... a little poll perhaps.. about a subject I find interesting.. since this image came across my facebook today #still really not feeling that well. no longer shaking violently and such but I still feel weird and weak much more than usual #They did say my markers for like infection or inflammation were elevated but that they werent sure of the cause so hopefully #it's nothing too serious. they did also say a lot of different things can cause that thing to be higher than normal but didn't go into spec #fics of what. maybe some of them are relatively benign or something. I still havent felt much back to normal since #I got really sick that one time though. I feel fine on and off but then little bouts of feeling weird and sick happen. hrmmm #ANYWAY.. looking for small ways to be productive. such as little doodles on evil ipad or editing game videos #or posting polls or cat pictures or some other like not very labor intensive things #I WISH I COULD FOCUS on writing HHRGGhh... I need to finish my game.. it would be so freeing.. a project that's been looming #over my head for like 5 years even though througouht that 5yrs I've probably spent a total of 3 months working on it lo.. ANYWAY #I still partially really cannot beleive that people CAN see stuff in their heads. There's always part of me that's thinking like. well mayb #e everyone DOES see the same exact thing but we just describe/conceptualize it so differently that we think we're talking about #different things when we're really not. But I have been assured by people I've talked to about it that they can GENUINELY really see #stuff in their heads like as vivid as an actual picture in real life or something. And the other senses are neat too. Like for exmaple I #can hear in my head much better than I can see imagery. I still CANNOT hear vividly like as if I were listening to actual music out loud..#but I think it's developed more than my sight. AND interesting how this varies the creative process. a friend I was talking to on the phone #said they write by literally just watching stuff play before them like a movie. where my process is COMPLETELY different. AND that affects #the content/what details we focus on as well as our individual styles of writing have differences that can be traced back to that.. hrmm

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spacelazarwolf · 1 year

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always wild to get the most horrifically transphobic comments from someone then check their profile to see they have “she/they” in their bio.

#and it’s so weird bc they always come from this odd place of being defensive of womanhood #like in a very te/rfy way #like ‘well you’re a MAN now so you couldn’t POSSIBLY understand what us FEMMES go through’#like bestie that was literally me a year ago #i fully do understand #it feels very ‘silence gender traitor’#and like #idk how to say this in a less abrasive way #but changing your pronouns or being nonbinary doesn’t mean you can’t be transphobic #bc in the past few weeks i’ve experienced a WEIRD amount of transphobia from non transitioning nonbinary people #who just REFUSE to get that our experiences are different #or who look down on me for making the ‘wrong’ choice in my transition #and like obviously not all nonbinary ppl are like this #but a lot of non transitioning ppl who were afab tend to be vulnerable to falling for te/rf rhetoric #just by virtue of their life experiences and which communities they often start out in #and like this is obviously part of a larger conversation abt ra/df/rn rhetoric in queer spaces #but it’s just one of those things i wish i could talk abt without ppl immediately jumping to conclusions abt my views

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cheekblush · 9 months

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i'd rather be friendless than to constantly have my boundaries disrespected

#i am so frustrated and annoyed rn #at the beginning of this year my ex best friend reached out to me and i cautiously let her back into my life #things were going great but now she turned a harmless topic into a full blown discussion even though i told her multiple times that i no..#.. longer want to discuss this matter but she kept going & then accusing me of continuing the discussion as well #and tbh i really should've stopped engaging with her messages much sooner but it's so annoying when someone sends you lots of messages with #their opinion although i mentioned several times that i want to drop the topic & then i'm just expected to shut up lol #she didn't respect my wish to move and made a huge fuss about nothing #i stopped replying to her since yesterday bc i really had enough & i should've just left her on read much sooner #but her messages were truly annoying me #her last message now says that we often have different opinions & she thinks she's more optimistic than me & that makes it hard for her to..#talk to me..... i was so dumbfounded when i read that this morning #our initial conversation was about whether a song is more pop or rnb....... & she twisted that into me being negative lmao #she was so obsessed with being right that she couldn't drop the topic even though i told her how exhausting the convo was for me #and like it's such an irrelevant topic... imagine being that obsessed with always being right 😭#idc anymore i'd rather be a negative bitch than someone who disrespects others' boundaries <3 #i thought she changed for the better but she's so self-righteous opinionated & stubborn it's awful #i calmly told her that her behavior is bothering me & we easily could've just moved on but she kept going on and on #and she herself admitted that it's one of her flaws that she always has to be right & she's being petty & yet she didn't stop 🤡#even writing all this down feels so silly to me bc the initial topic was sooooo trivial #am i supposed to feel sorry for thinking a song was rnb rather than pop???? like go touch some grass please #she even sent me a screenshot of the wikipedia page of the song to prove that it's rnb & it literally said synth pop & rnb lol #but i wasn't even mad about that her not respecting my wish to drop the topic & move on even though i said it multiple times really pissed..#me off though.... like girl just let it go it's not that deep!!!#but apparently i'm negative & pessimistic for having a different opinion than her 🤷🏼‍♀️#like imagine starting a fight over smth SO IRRELEVANT but i'm the negative one sure lmao #okay i just needed to get this off my chest bc i don't have anyone to talk to about this & it's just ridiculous to me #☁️

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orcelito · 4 months

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I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

#speculation nation #negative/#this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me.#getting the thoughts out. processing. the works.#nearly cried several times just from writing this.#...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy.#things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different.#feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever #all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories.#but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly.#it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him #we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit.#but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits #(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.)#as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education.#and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'.#the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door #and freezers in the drawers.#maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted #but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more.#ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It.#everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her.#and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad.#(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.)#it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father.#i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.

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vero-niche · 4 months

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a fellow english major, really happy to see someone who's proud of their degree <3

you know that "no love, no matter how brief, is wasted" line? i think the same applies for knowledge too - no matter how useless it may seem, knowledge acquired is never in vain.

#honestly like. idk what your age is but when i was attending uni i kept getting told that i shouldve gone for IT. because the future #- and the money - is there.#now look at the IT companies. the whole thing is crumbling #not to mention the arrogance. that IT degree didnt make you immune to the same old scam tactics did it. how are your nfts doing btw #honestly i never really expected it myself that a humanities degree would prove useful in a daily life type of way #like. sure i knew it wasnt useless but still. its entirely different to experience it in real time yknow #and the whole new wave ''it isnt that deep'' trend is honestly pretty dangerous bc there usually IS something deeper.#a narrative an agenda a propaganda etc.... or simply just capitalist greed #so its needed to read between the lines and see what the point/intention really is #- and thats what literary and other art analysis is making you do! it makes you stop and think #this is all not even mentioning all the political historical and cultural stuff we learned about all the anglo-saxon countries #which all prove to be pretty useful in light of recent events......#so yeah. anyway. dont listen to all those who say its useless (and theres a lot of those even among the ones who chose this major too)#its clearly not. but even if it were it wouldnt matter ehat they think #(i do wish tho that i couldve attended it already on the right meds bc i feel like i forgot A Lot bc of my mental state at the time #but oh well. what can you do)#thank you for the ask it was really nice of you 💞💞💞#ask #anon

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thats-my-passion-right-there · 13 days

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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god

#thoughts #oni talks #mean girls 2024 #I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits #and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh #I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot #since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe #I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD #like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either #half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol #leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially #like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way #via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent #but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one #like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story #like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if #she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s #so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing #I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out #like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean #more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too #biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind #closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very #like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story #could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with #that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family #also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like #iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for

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chaos-kittens · 2 years

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How do you manage being unable to socialize and being horribly lonely at the same time?

How do you try to go make friends when you don’t even know how to speak?

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months

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boy in silly sitting positions compilation

#cats #I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol #I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh #I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day #so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the #writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird #to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in #it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something #''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way #you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj #Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up #with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just #stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house #in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty #that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn #There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not #even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy #birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public #ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take #anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some #things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like #2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were #playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my #evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas

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theamazingannie · 2 months

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I’m a sucker for musical parallels and referencing an old song in a new song but I feel like this TTPD lead up is not just a “this is how I used to feel and now I’m using those themes to show how I feel now” and more of a “those feelings were never real and actually those love songs that were so beautiful before are actually about a bad relationship and full of red flags” cuz it’s honestly ruining my feelings on those old songs. Like Taylor’s whole thing is letting us interrupt the songs and apply them to our own lives and now it’s like even she is encouraging us to only see them through the lens of her most recent breakup and it really sucks tbh

#like when it was just fans being swifties I could ignore it and keep believing they were good love songs #but now that those Apple Music playlists came out and these songs are being sorted through different lenses #it feels like she wants us to look at those beautiful love songs differently and I hate it #taylor swift #ttpd #like I’d make jokes and talk about her personal life #and look at her songs and be like hmmm maybe that’s what she meant by this #but mostly her songs were always separate from her real life relationships #(otherwise I wouldn’t be able to love the speak now era love songs lmao)#I apply her songs to my characters #sweet nothing was the perfect song for one of my ocs who got famous and felt like he couldn’t be himself anymore #expect when he was with his bf who didn’t see him that way #and now I listen to it and I hear all those tweets saying ‘omg he didn’t love her and didn’t care about her and THATS what she was saying’#and having lover being one of the top wedding songs of the 2020s #and the ‘at every table I’ll save you a seat’ now going from ‘I want you by my side always’#to ‘I have to save it but you don’t show up cuz you’re never there for me’#and lavender haze going from ‘we don’t need to be married to be in love and I just want to be with you #and I wish people would stay out of my private life’#now being ‘I actually did want to get married and this was me just being in denial’#it SUCKS #things were much easier when I was just playing my thoughts here rather than following fan pages on Twitter #I’ve met a lot of great people and learned some fun stuff but this is exhausting #I just want to listen to my favorite artist without analyzing every line to figure out if she really meant it like that #I love her for her ability to tel stories I can relate my characters to #that’s all I really want to do with her songs #makes me want to leave the fandom and just listen alone #but also doing that before made me miss album announcements and vault puzzles and other news #idk I’ll probably stay but it just really sours the whole experience for me #and I wish it didn’t

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streetsandsodiumlights · 1 year

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hard to play dragon age with a new character bc im just completely head over heels in love with my warden. I think about them and im like yep this is it, let’s pack it up and go home

#dragon age #followed people for cousland talk today which made me want to play a cousland #I want to make different choices!! I want to see parts of the game I haven’t seen before!! also the human noble origin is my second favorite #I just find the story so SAD. everyone you knew and lived has been killed and you’re conscripted into the wardens whether you like it or not #you can spend the whole origin saying you want to be in the wardens and you can get your wish in the worst way possible #or you can spend the whole time saying you’d rather stay home and be forced to join them against your will #and now your family’s dead so what do you have left!! nothing. you were betrayed by your father’s friend and for what??#power? land? jealousy? how much does any of that matter in the face of a BLIGHT?? i just like it #all of the origins are fantastic stories but ive thought a lot about this one for someone without a cousland warden #aaaanyway trying to decide what my new guy will do with his life. I like to have a plan. I love this game #also trying NOT to make him similar to my main warden cause I want things to be DIFFERENT!! let him make bad choices it’s fine

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orcelito · 11 months

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Guys I think the writing for fire emblem engage is somehow worse than fire emblem fates. Im a longtime fire emblem fan, I've played every recent game, and this... this is just Awful lmfao

Im still having plenty of fun & I have my handful of characters I love soooo much. But God fucking damn this writing is just some of the worst I've ever seen in a game

(Major spoilers in tags. Ran out of tags so I can't spoiler tag hfkshfj.

Final conclusion (since I ran out of tags): What Even Is This Fucking Game. Definitely my least favorite fire emblem game in many respects, but By God I'm going to finish this bitch and I'm gonna have plenty of fun as I do so. And I'm also going to make fun of every narrative choice it makes along the way bc the writing in this game is just SO fucking bad holy shit. I just need to finish this game and get on with my life already. God fuckin damn.)

#speculation nation #ive been critical of it from the start. bc it really isnt good. tho ive softened in some respects #it's plenty of fun thankfully. i enjoy the battle system a lot & the maps can be challenging in a fun way #but the moment i stop to think about Anything it all just feels so ridiculous #there have been a few moments it's surprised me. plot twists that were Almost cool.#but most of the time it's just throwing a bunch of shit out of left field at me and expecting me to be invested (im not)#so it's like. the 'plot twists' are either things i saw coming from a mile away OR things that r just so fucking insane it's not satisfying #like. the game saying 'oh man this thing you need to get to is at the bottom of this biiiig frozen lake! however will you get there?'#'how about... you trust the woman who has been an antagonist THE ENTIRE GAME UP UNTIL NOW to be telling the truth & to be helping u'#'heres a magic item she used the rest of her life to make! how sad! dont you feel bad for her? she wanted to be a mother!'#'no dont think about all the times she hit your little sister :) she feels bad about it so it's obviously ok actually :)'#'anyways take her magic item. itll get you to the bottom of the lake. how you ask? underwater breathing? PHHHSH'#'NAH your ass is going a thousand years into the past to break this thing b4 it fell into the lake OH ALSO you meet your past self #from when you were evil. good luck! :)'#im. not making any of this up. im not making ANY of this up and i really wish i was.#i was just rubbing my temples for that entire stretch of story it's so fucking stupid.#i think one of the most interesting things it did from a narrative standpoint was take away the rings 12 chapters in #so you hit rock bottom and have to crawl your way back out with the help of some unexpected allies #like. yea that's interesting. EXCEPT from a GAMEPLAY standpoint it's one of my least favorite fucking things in the game #you get used to this set of mechanics but halfway through you have to switch gears to an entirely different set of mechanics #and by the time you finally get everything back & ur army is full and whole. the game is almost over.#itd like that narrative choice SO MUCH MORE if it didnt set me back in such a major way & restrict total gameplay access to the End #every game has a slow trickle in of new characters so you dont have everyone until later in but EVEN THEN #you generally have everyone by 2/3rds way thru the game. then the last third you pick ur favs and u train them for the end #in this game. you dont get everyone until fucking chapter 23 of 26. my army is full and veyle is such a delight to have #but i only got her in CHAPTER. FUCKING. TWENTY THREE OF TWENTY SIX.#i just finished chapter 25. im nearly at the end. i love my main army but it feels like ive barely gotten to know them as a whole #bc it only finally formed TWO CHAPTERS AGO.#im just. god this game is so frustrating in a way ive NEVER experienced before. and ive played a lot of games!!!!!#like dont get me wrong im still having fun with it. i love a lot of the characters and the gameplay (now that i HAVE all of it) is So fun

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dirt-mccracken · 2 years

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Spent a lot of time this week thinking about the inherent vulnerability of being loved and was hit with the overwhelming realization of how much love I have been surrounded in and refused to let myself experience thanks to my own deep insecurities.

#all the ways my friends have been screaming 'I love you' for years that I shrugged off calmly and ungratefully #all the times I refused the idea anyone could love or care for /me/ the way I often do for others #all these things hitting like a stone #all the times I wish I would have said 'thank you #'thank you for seeing something in me' instead of assuring them they were wrong. instead of insisting I MUST be bad because I felt bad #and even now knowing all this how hard it is to combat that instinct and finally let myself be loved the way I love #all the different ways crashing like a wave #'i miss you'#'come visit'#'move back here'#'when will I see you again?'#'can I call?'#'I'm glad you're still here'#and all the ways I just. never let myself think they meant it and how ungrateful I have been #it's a lot and it's not just me but god im so so.lucky #so lucky to live a life full of love and friends who stay and new ones all the time and its just hard #seeing all the ways i worsened my own pain in my worst moments because I just refused to see a beyter world #i couldn't imagine telling myself a decade ago where we end up #and i couldn't imagine that kid even believing we stayed alive #and it hurts but also feels very veru good #to be here #to see the love #to get a second chance with all of it #sorry guys lol

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elftwink · 2 years

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do NOT ask me if i wish i was "born cisgender". if i was 'born cis' i would transition. hope this helps

#good idea generator #have taken this stance before but i'm taking the opportunity to double down #and just to clarify: i am aware that when people say this they mean do i wish i was amab so i could be a cis man #and i am saying if i was amab i would Not Be A Cisgender Man. lmao #earlier in my transition i used to daydream a lot about being a cis man #but the more i think about gender and explore my own identity the more i am certain that being cis would never sit right w/me #if i ever interrogated my gender at all i would always end up with some flavour of transness #obviously this is all purely hypothetical. i have no way of knowing how different things would have changed my life #which at the end of the day is why i dont think it's worthwhile or healthy to think abt 'if u were cis'#dumb question! so i think my answer can be a little hypothetical

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noxtivagus · 1 year

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i'll read more from now on again

#🌙.rambles #so much to just think about n i'm lost in my own lil world #tmrrw gna have to face reality again bcs of school :c but. yk lately this year i think i've already developed lots #this past week has been especially formative.#i crave n yearn.. intimacy so much. i want to just be free like that. bcs i'm safe in my own self n. too much to say but #i think it's lonely. being out a lot today made me realize that. all these barriers in communication is so.. lonely #i want to read so much more for so many reasons but here with what i've already laid out the first reason i'll say is #i want to understand others better i want to even further expand my own thinking n just learn so much more #n then.. goddamn i want to write too. write so much so i could #it hurts. it hurts so much i feel like i know n think n feel more than i should n the wisdom is breaking me apart i don't know how to put it #into words. maybe that's why i've been afraid to start new things despite my insatiable curiosity n passion.#afraid of how it'll fill me with even more & i'm not sure how i'd manage. i feel as though i understand life differently than most..#most people around me at least. i see myself in musicians. artists. writers.#people who create once they've taken in much as well. people like me but.. it's been rather disturbing when i realize how most of them end #up like. n i wonder. i just wonder so much. n wish n dream that maybe i could end up differently.#i want so desperately to break out of the chains of reality of society of.. all those. idead that are taught to us n internalized ever since #we were born? i don't know how to write it and i don't think words could ever do it justice. but i want to truly be who i am at heart.#and yet being self-aware i suppose is confusing in such a bittersweet way. there's so much more that i do not know and cannot grasp #& then sometimes at the end of the day i just wonder n dream about if ever i would be more connected with reality. with this world.#regardless of how much one may put out to the world.. it'll never be understood or known in the same way as the one it originates from.#it's lonely. sad. but it makes what we can convey and relate with much more meaningful. n i'm so grateful for those things #n there's also just so much that relates to it n. yeah. is part of it like #the unconscious subconscious n conscious mind #for fuck's sake i want to learn so much it's overwhelming. psychoanalysis n neuroscience n #i want to learn more of others too. i want deep conversations. i want to read more books n listen to more music n just consume more n more #to learn more of the people who created them. everything around us is just so full of life n. it's so beautiful n so overwhelmingly painful.#my helplessness in doing more. i'm aware of why. n it just hurts. it hurts so much but i'm #glad at least that lately i've been more free. more myself. more self-aware n aware of the universe in general. n i look forward to #so much more. but.. yeah i still crave to be 'real' n part of this world in a more 'normal' way at times #i. have so much to write. but for now i'll return to reality with the this.. odd feeling in my chest. not enough too little too much. life

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toastsnaffler · 19 days

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slept in until 10am I haven't been able to do this in over a month 😭

#i had some rly horrid dreams i dont even wanna talk abt that woke me up at 6:55 (my usual weekend wakeup time)#and then i had some other very specific less bad but still not great dreams -> 8:30. and then just weird ones until i woke up now #so sick of my brain sometimes. i wish i could sleep without dreaming ive never been able to in my entire fucking life #and its probably a genetic thing bc i recently found out my mum is exactly the same. except for her its more of a trauma thing #like she has recurring nightmares most nights etc. i do have a lot of bad dreams but idk if i would call them nightmares #and theyre always different anyway....#its easy to tell why im dreaming abt what im dreaming abt tho. dont need any psychoanalysis #one of the dreams involved my ex tho which threw me a lot. i havent dreamt abt them in years.. even when we dated i never dreamt abt them #well. nice to see their face again i suppose. i guess i have been thinking abt them a bit lately #i always think abt them when i feel like this.. id never been closer to anyone before them. and i havent been since #we were best friends for a really long time + i miss having that. they kept my feet on the ground #but thats ancient history now #i need to get up and eat and take meds sigh #and then figure out my list of chores for this weekend. and do them #argh.... okay okay getting a shirt on so i can leave my room lets do this #.diaries

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