#i know im not there mentally but you could be the remedy

[hcmxra]

"Oh right.. It's that day where I buy a tub of icecream so I can eat the whole thing by myself while crying."

[beeslibrarycorner]

Can’t sleep? I got you!

Newt scamander x reader

Warnings: SMUT, MDNI

You were frustrated tossing and turning, you couldn't take it anymore. So you got out of bed and made your way out of the bedroom to make yourself a cup of tea. Newt, still busy with his work, looks up to see you walk into the kitchen to grab what you needed.

“Darling it's late for you to still be up, what's wrong?” he asked and you couldn't help but mentally groan as you heard the chair being pushed back and soft footsteps walking towards you. You just wanted to be left alone, you didn't want to bother Newt, he looked busy.

You turned to him and smiled lightly, “Im just making some tea for myself, I can't sleep” you said and you could see the frown that's forming on his face and you feel even more guilt. “You could have told me love, I could have helped you earlier.”. He said as the kettle began to whistle. 

You poured the hot water into a cup and kissed the man goodnight, “Don't stay up too late, I'm just going to read my book and drink my tea.”. You said not looking back, not realizing that he was following you into the bedroom. He sits next to you when you place your tea cup on the nightstand. 

His arm curls around you, pressing you closer into his side like he's trying to keep you where you are. “You take care of everyone around you and you make sure that everyone is nice and comfortable but once you get offered help you turn it away” he says, nosing the crown of your head. “Why is that?” he asks you, thumbing the skin on your hip; exposed by your sleep shirt.

“Who takes care of y/n? Hm?” He asked, You couldn’t answer his question meekly hiding your face into his neck, he trusts you. “Don't go shy on me now, honey” he coos his hand moving to the front of your sleep shorts and sliding his fingertips under the waistband. “I know just the remedy for your insomnia” he says quietly “ I just need you to spread your legs a bit wider.”.

You gasp at the way his skin makes contact with yours, all warm and alluring. He traces the petals of your labia gently with the tips of his fingers before spreading them open. He gasps, “You're so wet, no wonder why you can't sleep” he croons and you feel your face heat up.

“I don’t even have to prep you, your that wet” he murmurs and slips two fingers into you. The stretch is just what you needed, your body starting to go lax as Newt starts to move his fingers. “That’s it just relax for me, you’re a very good girl” he murmurs presses a kiss to your forehead.

He focuses his attention to the spongy part of your vaginal canal and you your thighs start to twitch from how it feels. Newt is cooing and praising you quietly trying to coax you into finishing on his fingers.

“I can feel you starting to twitch, are you close?” He keeps gently massaging the area and all you could do is stay squished and feel. “Yes” you squeak out and you can feel your ye smile that spreads across his face.

“Please cum on my fingers” he pleads, his arm moving in a way that makes his movements unaffected by the limited movement of your hips. “you’ll feel so much better when you do. Then when you wake up I’ll make you cum again and again until you’ve had your fill.” He cooed.

“Pretty girls like you deserve to feel good all the time” he continues and you feel yourself let go. You cum hard and you feel Newts hold on you tighten. “That’s it, good girl; let go for me honey” he murmurs to you.

When all is said and done he licks his fingers clean, tucks you into bed and takes your neglected tea from the nightstand. He come back 15 minutes later after cleaning up his work station, he lays down on his side of the bed and pulls you into his side.

“I love you darling, sleep tight” newt cooed as held you close and started rubbing your back. You fell asleep soon after.

[solaarbeeam]

electric touch - kaminari denki x black reader

warnings: none, reader is portrayed as darkskin, usage of Y/N

a/n: guys he’s my favorite (besides shoto) soo here’s a special fic in his honor <33, i lowkey don’t like this but im trying to discipline myself when it comes to writing.

When Kaminari Denki made it to UA, he had a plan to become a heartthrob hero, not unlike Hawks.

His plan was completely thrown off the second he laid his eyes on you.

Rich and deep chocolate skin, brown eyes that nearly made it look black, and an all-white smile with the cutest tooth gems dotting your grin.

He was done for the second he walked in the room. He should’ve known then, but he didn’t.

He’d flirted with a lot of the girls in the class action once they had gotten to after the Sports Festival, but most just took it as jokes or rejected him, to which he calmly bowed out. No need to be an asshole about it, right?

As Jirou made fun of his quirk again, he laid his eyes on you once more. You were scribbling in your notebook, humming to the tune of what he assumed was a Bryson Tiller song, completely in your own little world.

He lost all sorts of common sense when it came to you. How couldn’t he, when you sat at your desk looking like you were the one that hung the moon in the sky?

“Hey, Y/N!”

Okay, he’d gotten your attention, what now? Oh lord, he’s an idiot. How is he supposed to do this? Your tooth gems catch the sunlight, making them gleam in the classroom, and he immediately hooks his eyes on them instead, so as to not come off as rude or creepy.

“Hey Kaminari, what’s up?” Oh my god he could stare at that smile for days. The coils of your hair makes him stare at them rather than look you in the eyes.

He holds his hand out. He mentally slaps himself stupid, because what was he thinking, just holding his hand out like that? Jirou could make fun of him for this all she wants and he wont even blame her, because what the hell?

He really loses all sense of self when he sees a pretty person, especially someone has gorgeous as you.

In response, you put your hand in his and marveled at how warm they were.

Three seconds pass by. Kaminari dies mentally.

He had just electrocuted Y/N L/N, the most beautiful person in existence, all because he can’t control himself or his quirk.

At lunch, he profusely apologizes to you, one because he knows your hair is important to you and if his quirk actually did anything bad to your hair, he’d put himself six feet under before you could.

“You’re honestly lucky my quirk prevents damage, but in all seriousness, it’s cool Kaminari. It was honestly kind of cute seeing you trip out like that.”

You have no idea what you’ve done, Cute? Cute?!?? You officially have Kaminari Denki wrapped around your finger.

They have the Training Camp. He’s stuck with Mr Aizawa for remedials, because he’s a dumbass and you can do no wrong. The villains attack, and you’re apart of the main fight. Your quirk, called Bounce Back, allows you to take damage, store the impact, and push it back out to deliver it back to the opponent. It was a perfect offensive quirk.

Until you, Bakugou, and Jirou get kidnapped by the league. You, because you were fighting Toga with Uraraka and Tsu, Bakugou for conversion reasons, and Jirou because of her scouting abilities and super hearing.

He goes with the team to get you back. He’d never forgive himself if he had the opportunity to do something and he didn’t.

Once they got the three of them out, he ran up to hug you, not caring who looked or who saw.

You hugged him back, just as eagerly and emotion full as he did. He felt whole, he felt complete again, and the feeling of you hugging him back with just as much warmth and intensity gives him hope.

They get dorms. It makes his crush a lot harder on him. For once, Jirou doesn’t laugh and actually helps him.

It was a regular night, a relatively warm one since summer had started. He knocked on your door, sparks literally flying from the tips of his fingers.

‘Do not electrocute them, this’ll be all for nothing if you can’t get it together.’

You open the door, and once he steps in, he’s hit by the smell of cocoa butter and hair products that smell distinctly like you.

“Okay so, Kami, what can I do for you?” You’re taking your hair out, as he can see, with half of your head still in mini-twists.

“Call me Denki?”

“Pffft-“ He feels blood rush to the tips of his ears. He’s already fucked up and he hasn’t even started the segway.

“‘Kay then, Denki, whatcha need?” He’s going to die. He will die here happily here.

You notice his hands are sparking. You coat your hands in a pastel yellow, a tell tale sign of your quirk, and you take the risky move of grabbing his hands.

He practically dies right then and there. You laugh out loud, pressing a kiss to his nose.

“You’re cute, yknow that Denki?”

The mention of his name brings him back to the present. He decides to just go for it instead of doing the whole plan he made with Jirou.

“Y/N, will you be my partner?”

“‘Course I will, I’ve been waiting for you to ask.”

It seems that at the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, you’re the one with the electric touch, and not him.

© solaarbeeam 2024. reposts and translations are not permitted.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

you know i've been thinking about the consequences of malleus's actions in book 7 and i realized how much he's fucked everyone over including his grandma. bc like other than the fact that he ob'd (which literally has NEGATIVE connotations one of which being is idk ""UNSTABLE"" which isnt necessarily a good look for a crown prince is all im saying) he's literally causing terrorism (??? can you call it that idk how else to call it) which is going to setback his grandma's efforts (and lilia's and baul's, and every supporter of his and his family) in keeping peace in their kingdom and the favor of the humans towards the fae. Like. i feel so bad for grandmother draconia rn i can only imagine the stress and pressure she's under.

Then theres also aside from PHYSCIALLY compromising everyone's healths in sage island (BECAUSE THE MAJORITY ARE HUMANS OR AT LEAST THEY DONT LIVE AS LONG AS THE FAE). He's also fucked everyone mentally twice over!!!! By booting them straight into a world where none of their problems exist. Now that wouldnt sound bad if it weren't for the fact that dreams have to end, and life isnt kind. It rarely ever is, and i can only imagine how distraught i would be if i were to say, hypothetically lost someone a year before and the wound is so fresh and raw and, in my dreams, they never died and everything is okay, then i wake up and realize that it was just that. A dream, they are still gone and i wish i never woke up which would be a LITERAL DEATH SENTENCE. This isnt just an event that takes place in NRC either BUT THE WHOLE ISLAND and that domain is GROWING, GROWING. I can't imagine just how many would be so emotionally ruined after this. Like.....

If Malleus does not suffer the consequences of his actions istg i will be so pissed, at least REMOVE HIM FROM THE PREMISE OR SOMETHING GODDDDDDD this cannot be remedied with a slap on the hand!!!!!

(Note: Sorry for the long rant. I felt the need to get this out of my chest bc i dont mind malleus's archetype actually nor do i actually hate him, bc i enjoy him interacting w other characters a lot (my fave ever vigenette is him giving deuce the equivalent of minecraft diamon for fixing a retrobit gaming toy) BUT GOD DOES HE MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL)

Yeah, I do feel like the scale of Malleus's actions cannot be understated. I know it's kind of a fandom joke that the OB boys are left off with a slap on the wrist + maybe some social ramifications at school, but this is the ONE time in the main story where things are getting super big and the effects could be cripplingly long-lasting.

I don't know if TWST will seriously address the consequences after book 7, but I sure hope they do!! There is a lot of interesting ground to cover (many points which this anon has already brought up) in a follow-up main story arc or the next book.

For example:

Malleus obviously has to regain the trust of his peers and staff. He didn’t really have it before but now has to work twice as hard to make connections since he just took a drastic action that confirmed the rumors some were already spreading about how he’s a monster.

He’s the sole heir to the throne and has just betrayed the trust of the people of Briar Valley. How are they feeling about him now? Do they still trust him to lead them?

How does this impact their relations with other countries (since Malleus himself stresses how he represents Briar Valley)? This is a problem visible on a global scale, and surely this would damage their rep with other nations, particularly the predominantly human ones. It’s setting back what is hundreds of years of trying to fix the broken trust between their races.

Malleus’s UM potentially puts his victims in physical harm; in book 7, Ortho suggests that since everyone is sleeping, their bodies are not getting the food or water they need. As a result, they may physically waste away and then perish. (We have seen that there are sleep blessings that keep people sleeping for hundreds of years without detriment to the blessed though, such as the one cast on Silver—so we cannot be entirely sure if Ortho’s theory is correct or not.)

There is the possibility that Malleus’s dreams may traumatize or retraumatize his victims, particularly those with deep rooted troubles. An example of this is Idia, who had suffered the loss of his brother when he was like… 8 years old??? But then in his dream, Idia is living a happy false reality that Ortho never died. When he finally comes to this realization, he has to relive the trauma of the discovery all over again and breaks down sobbing. We also see in the most recent book 7 update that Vil had to face the evilest aspects of himself and a dark reality; Rook became very emotional upon waking himself. Admittedly, Idia and co. coped with it well enough—this is proof of their character development and the strength of the new friendships they’ve formed. However, all the people on Sage’s Island/Twisted Wonderland may not react so positively or be so accepting of their cruel realities.

Again, just the overall moral dilemma of one person robbing all of Sage’s Island (and soon all of Twisted Wonderland) of their autonomy.

Potential extra work for STYX and whichever countries Malleus’s magic manages to spread to (repairing any physical damage caused by the thorns + mental damage done to those that fell asleep). That’s money, time, and resources that aren’t going toward other everyday endeavors.

How will Malleus himself mentally and emotionally cope with what he has done? Is he going to show remorse and shame? How does he plan on rectifying his actions, if at all?

Will this change how his dorm members + family view him? For example, will Sebek become disillusioned with his liege/realize Malleus is not as perfect as he seems? Will Maleficia blame herself for not being there for Malleus? Will Lilia feel guilty for not teaching Malleus right from wrong? Etc, etc, etc.

I’d honestly love to read all of these! 🤔 It would add a lot to the lore and history of Twisted Wonderland, as well as serve as motivators for Malleus to change, “be better”, and actually earn the respect he’s so used to being handed by default. This would be huge for him, especially seeing as he has not really faced significant backlash or consequences for any other missteps he was responsible for or involved in. (I know I bring this one up a lot, but Endless Halloween Night is one such major example.)

[lotties-ashwagandha]

how the yellowjackets would react to you being sick (headcanons)

i wrote these forever ago when i had the flu and they got lost in my drafts enjoyyyy gender neutral reader i think but taissa does reference her partner as her wife. also if the pics on this don’t format right (theyre supposed to be 3 in a row and then the header) pls tell me sometimes it fucks up :(

SHAUNA

sees you sneeze once and runs to the store for cold medicine with the fervor of middle aged preppers fist fighting for toilet paper in 2020

she would do or get absolutely anything you wanted, would go and buy takeout food from your favorite restaurants or make sure you’re comfortable wherever you’re situated

will make sure you’re taking whatever medicine you need, whether it’s just over the counter cough medicine or it’s something prescribed by a doctor. you can’t put up a fight with her about it bc you’ll never win. she gets so intense about it but it’s ultimately for your good and you know that

also just likes to hold you. she cancels whatever plans she has and you lay and watch movies together — she might not like everything you pick to watch but she’ll put up with anything to make you feel a bit better. as for the close proximity of holding you, she doesn’t care if she gets sick because she knows you’ll take care of her once you’re better in the same way she cared for you. plus i’d imagine her immune system is of fucking steel after having a baby in the wilderness???? no germs are getting on this woman ok and ykw that probs goes for all of them they probably have some fucked up forest girl immunity or smthn idk im not a doctor don’t come at me

LOTTIE

she’ll never admit it ever but at first she gets kind of excited because she’s been waiting for someone to fall ill so she can try out a new herbal remedy

but then she sees how upset you are and how much discomfort you’re in and feels guilty

anyway rich girl lottie is averse to germs and when you first get sick she handles you a bit like you’re a giant jellyfish someone’s trying to throw at her , she wants to help you but girl has a whole wellness center to run she is not getting sick

until she caves and you’re cuddled in bed together watching movies because she can’t keep away from you

she lets you watch whatever you want while you’re sick , but she does get a bit bored sometimes when you’re asleep so she flips the channel to nature documentaries. she’ll flip it back to whatever you were watching immediately after you wake up tho, and yes of course she was watching your horror movies instead of bird watching shows go back to sleep

she also cooks for you while you’re sick — probably not very well, but she won’t allow anyone else cooking for you because she wants to make sure you’re eating quality food that will help you get better and not just anything you could pick up

she gets very protective over you and over your health in general and won’t allow anyone to come bother you, if you work outside the wellness center she makes sure your bosses aren’t being bitches about you being sick and she ensures everything’s in order to her standards

TAISSA

panics because she has absolutely no idea what to do when you get sick, probably googles “what to do when your wife is sick” and follows the wikihow

she’ll take a few days off work for once to look after you, it doesn’t seem like a big deal but it is to you because she hardly ever takes time off from the campaign

she’s very stereotypical in the way she takes care of you — she’ll make you chicken noodle soup, get you blankets, everything she knows is the “standard” of taking care of someone with a cold but she works so hard to make sure everything’s perfect for you

she knows you’re miserable so she’ll try to make you laugh when you’re sick. telling you stupid jokes, funny stories from work, anything she can think of. your body is down but she won’t let your mental health go down with it especially if you already struggle with mental health

might offer you some dirt and a spot in her tree if you’re lucky

VAN

knows you’re sick before you do it’s some psychic ass shit she just KNOWS

you sneeze once and she’s like “oh I bought you some cold medicine earlier” like ??? girl ok whatever

she usually loves to make you watch her old dvds and tapes but when you’re feeling bad she puts on a marathon of your favorite movies

she buys you a lot of sweets. she’d be one of those “chocolate fixes everything” girls and whenever she would go out to buy you something she would come back with some sort of treat for you

she lets your rant about being sick if you’re one of those people who get grumpy when you get sick, she wants you to trust her and feel safe enough to express your distress

NATALIE

i think we all know natalie isn’t the best person in health and wellness situations but she does make it fun to be sick at least !

raids the vending machine for you

will probably google how to take care of you like taissa , but thinks the instructions are too long and gives up

will probably call misty and make her bring over whatever medicine you’d need because she knows she’ll fuck it up picking it out herself

she’s silent on the bed for an hour and then announces “i made you a spotify playlist” out of the blue. it has like 5 songs on it but they’re all very very very meticulously selected and she’s so proud of it, she knows it cant help you get better physically but hopes it will make you happy

warns you not to get her sick as if it’s something you can control. looks at you so sternly and goes “don’t. don’t get me sick.” it makes you roll your eyes

MISTY

she’s been waiting for this day her whole life tbh not in a creepy way but in a loving “i want to take care of you” way

will do absolutely everything to make sure you’re comfortable when you’re sick, she would kill for you (she would anyway but especially when you’re not feeling well)

knows a bunch of get better health hacks from all the reddit forums she’s stalked over the years and only half of them work but it shows that she cares

tries to search amazon to see if there’s a little covid mask she can get caligula “just in case”

she makes you watch true crime documentaries with her and narrates every episode and then gives you all her hot takes afterwards. you can’t escape and she takes advantage of it

[toxycodone]

Hey Toxy! Sorry for the sudden radio silence on asks from me, but I got nasty icky sick.

Any quick thoughts on the Touden Party (post Falin being revived) with a gn!reader or fem!reader who got sick (stomach bug or flu is okay with me)?

Thank you again! Love your blog!

-Deer Anon. 🦌❤️

NOOOO OMG...im so sorry to hear that i hate. the flu. I had it in the beginning of this year and when I tell you I was DYING. ugh.

Laios

Probably the most visually affected. Literally says out loud "that's awful!!" when he hears you're sick. Bro is not having it

He's not squeamish, so he volunteers to check on you (along with Falin, theyre a duo).

He holds your hair back when you throw up. King

I think he spends a lot of time unintentionally fretting about you. Will you be okay? Getting sick is the worst. He just ultimately feels bad.

I think he tries to distract you by reading or trying to play games. The others have to keep him from you because he's so eager to just hang out and doesn't really think about the reality that hey. you have something infectious!!

Falin

She's genuinely an unbothered queen in the best way possible. Because she doesn't freak out or anything. Falin is just like "okay" and comes up with her game plan

She's good at nursing you back to health but she doesn't overdo it. Falin is really lowkey and honestly an excellent caretaker. She's the one monitoring your temperature and making sure you get enough fluids and she doesn't cringe when you vomit everywhere. Just frowns and gets to cleaning up.

She'll use her magic to help alleviate your symptoms before she goes <3

Marcille

Instantly freaks. Because ew germs and being sick but also like are you gonna be okay?? Marcille wants to like consult every medic in town before Falin reassures her its cool

Marcille makes the best herbal tea for you...since Falin has you covered with the magic, Marcille focuses on her home remedies and such.

SHE WOULD DO YOUR HAIR. It's an act of love. Usually people don't think about that but having icky hair when you're sick is the worst and Marcille won't have it.

Chilchuck

Oh I know he's immediately thinking of a lecture. He wants to go to you and tell you about how he told you so and you shouldn't have pushed yourself

But when he sees you he just sighs. You look terrible (affectionately) and he just feels super bad. Chil presses his hand to your forehead and tsks and immediately starts doing the mental checklist of what he'd do for his daughters when they were sick

He kinda chides you, but ultimately he settles to change your bedding when it gets too sweaty and make sure you're getting some sort of bath/shower.

He also does that dad thing where he comes into the room and just looks at you when you're sleeping to make sure you're good

Senshi

SENSHI THE GOAT IS MAKING AN IMMACULATE CHICKEN SOUP FROM BONE BROTH HE MADE PREVIOUSLY AND STORED. He is so real.

He doesn't pressure you to eat and just like, makes sure you're at least drinking the broth to get your strength up.

I also like to think he'd attempt to make the Orc medicine he learned while living with them too, just in case. Even small doses of that could hopefully get you feeling better.

But he's helping Chil with the sheets and washing dishes and such. Senshi also stays in the room with you when he has down time during the day and will read you pa

Izutsumi

Eh...do not expect much from her. But she assists the others in the background. Mainly by helping Senshi or Chilchuck take care of you.

She could probably tell you were sick like the day before and avoided you or mentioned you having a strange smell.

But when she hears you're sick she's like :/ "called it"

When no one else is there she "begrudgingly" sleeps at the foot of your bed. It helps you with the chills but also when you have a fever you're really warm

(She probably also gets sick then you have to help her out since its "your fault" hehe)

[star-dust-shark]

and if I do not find somebody sooooooooooooooooonnnn.........

I'll blow up into smithereens then spew my tiny symphony all up and down the city streets while tryna put my mind at ease like finishing this melody this feels like a necessity so this could be the death of me or maybe just a better me I know I'm not there mentally but you could be the remedy so let me play my violin for you

im normal

[afterartist]

Genuine question as someone who is actually mentally ill (and queer, unlabelled): i agree with everything u said in ur post ab labels why would u call something as disgusting as pedophilia a mental illness??

mental illnesses are debilitating, often chronic disabilities/conditions. they are not dirty and are nothing to be ashamed of. p3dophiles arent necessary p3dophiles bc theyre mentally ill, theyre just disgusting people. not being accusatory necessarily but why would u say that? real innocent ppl with mental illness dont deserve to be compared to that, unless there is a legit classification?? im not sure so yeah just wondering

TW: Paedophilia

Great question!! Thank you for asking,

Before anything, I agree, I worded that poorly and could have done a better job at explaining myself in that post,

I would also like to clarify that I myself have been diagnosed with a mental illness, as it being a Cluster B disorder I’m unfortunately used to my disorder being Vilified, so I understand how seeing me compare abhorrent actions to a mental disorder can be distressing,

However!

Peadophilic Disorder is an actual mental disorder that can be found in the DSM-5

It’s a psychiatric disorder, tho I will note Paedophilic actions and Paediphilia disorder can be classified as different things as it’s possible to hold those same sexual fantasies without ticking all the categories required for diagnosis.

But, using its status as a mental disorder is an abhorrent thing to do in of itself, as someone who is working very hard to overcome my own disorder, you should never blame actions that cause others, especially children, harm on a disorder without doing anything to remedy it, instead reach out for help, from a therapist, psychologist or even a doctor

I would also recommend you do your own research, as I don’t have or know anyone personally who was diagnosed with this disorder, thus I’m not the best source of information, if you can I suggest checking out the DSM-5 or even just a basic wiki search

Most importantly though, stay safe when searching this up

[hcmxra]

"..."

"You can't eat what you don't have."

[blissfullybloomed]

Holistic Healing

Let's start with some simple definitions for both of these words. 

Holistic ( in regard to medicine): Characterized by the treatment of the WHOLE person, taking into account MENTAL and SOCIAL factors, rather than just the SYMPTOMS of the illness. It stems from the old English word holism( 1920s). 

Healing ( in regard to person) : The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again, and to make free from injury or disease. To make well again, and return to the earth. 

Great! Now what?! HOW does one Holistically Heal themselves? How would one even know if they NEED to do some holistic healing? That's where we start today. Being self aware. 

I'd like to present a few questions for you to internally answer: 

What are YOUR hobbies? Not your friends, not your spouse, not your co workers…YOURS?

Who are YOU? What do you stand for? Again….not your friends, spouse or co-workers. 

What foods do you truly enjoy? 

What music do you listen to on a daily basis?

Could you answer them? If you could- that's great! You've got a head start on everyone else- Congrats on finding yourself. If you couldn't answer them…let's work on that together.

I believe the first and most crucial step in becoming holistically healed is to know your true self. Can you introduce yourself without saying you “belong” to someone. Example: Hi, my name is Victoria, I'm the sister of…Im the wife of ...Im the business partner of ... .NO! Stop the madness… YOU are good enough as you already are- let that soak in. You don't need to validate yourself in a work title, you don't have to be someone’s anything. You're enough as you are. 

I have personal experience( look ma, I learned how to spell- AKA…spell check) with the above introducing struggles. 

Now, don't get it twisted..I am in no way stating that you shouldnt be proud to be someone's wife, husband, co-worker…etc, I'm simply stating that it's okay to be your own self. There's bliss in solitude. 

Moving on…, How do you find out who you are? How do you find out what food you truly enjoy? How do you change the repeated monotony of your life? That's what it is…repeating the same thing. You're comfortable there…it's ok, I used to be too. There's safety in the known, and fear in the unknown. Overcoming fear…that's a whole other blog…I'm still working on that one honestly. 

So….I've rambled enough…Get to know yourself.

That's how you holistically heal. Holistic medicine is all about utilizing what your body already has inside of it from a hormone/chemical level and using natural remedies(plants from the earth) to aid in health. It’s not a toxic pill made in a factory at an enormously high dollar amount. It's not a drug induced drink (Coca-cola…cocaine…) made in mass at a low dollar amount to produce the happy hormone for a fleeting second. Now granted, McDonalds Coke is literally to die for, and yes…I've drank them…) 

Things to try instead of what you're doing now: 

Ibuprofen( kills the liver)...Try Arnica Montana instead. 

Ora-gel(destroys your gums)....Try Clove - It takes the pain away instantly. 

Any inflammation…..Turmeric/Mushrooms. 

Anxiety…..Kava/Ashwagandha

Try new things, eat new food, hangout with new people, get a new job, write a blog(HA), do something physical , challenge yourself, go disc-golfing on your damn motorcycle( I'm so proud of you), do whatever you want...but don't be afraid to try new things. You're doing yourself a disservice if you don't. You already knew that though because you are smart. You are beautiful. You are sexy. You are fierce. You are incredibly loud. You are impatient. You are colorful. You are… You are enough. 

Frolic the fields. 

[shads-shipposts]

Cards and Comfort: Anachronism Snapshot

Admittedly, my fic Anachronism is a big ol' mess. Truly, it is in shambles (just like my mental state). However, some scenes are relatively put together. Such as this one that I wrote back in late 2020 during a depressive episode. Other than some very minor tweaking, this hasn't really been touched. But I want to post something with the KaraCrew, and thus y'all get this lovely little thing. It isn't much, only 1.3k words, but there is a truly abysmal lack of KaraCrew content that isn't tied to Tintin, so this is my remedy. A self indulgent comfort fic staring my oc Shadow and sailors Neil, Hobbs, Geitch, and Eckhart (pilot in brown clothes). As Anachronism takes place before my Clone Wars series, Shadow is 19 here. For obvious reasons, they don't sleep near the rest of the crew and usually crash in Tom or Allan's cabin since those two have their own rooms.

Enjoy~

CW: Language, depressive episode, worries of being a burden.

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Halting just shy of the open doorway, I swallowed hard. What if they got mad? What if they sent me away? What if they let me in but were passive aggressive about it? Hell, that last one would be even worse. 

But it would be even worse to sit in Tom’s cabin alone, thoughts spiraling out of control. 

I’d just have to take the risk.

Stepping into the doorway to the rec room, I blinked against the light and scanned the room to see who was there. Eckhart, Geitch, Neil, and Hobbs. At least it was two of my favorite sailors aside from Tom. 

It took them a while to notice me, but Eckhart’s eyes finally raised and the man did a small double take. “Kid? Thought you were asleep?” 

At his comment, Neil and Hobbs twisted in their chairs to face me.

“Hey, Shortie. Whatcha doin’ wanderin’ ‘round this late?” Neil asked. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” I said with a shrug, arms wrapped around myself as I braced against the rolling of the ship. 

“Kevin botherin’ ya? I’ll send ‘im off if ya need me to,” Neil offered. 

I shook my head. “Ain’t that. Just restless. Y’all mind if I sit in and watch?” I asked tiredly. 

They glanced at each other and I worried they would refuse. Well… guess if they did the top of the wheelhouse was an option. 

“Nah, c’mon ov’r ‘ere,” Hobbs said, jerking his head at the seat between him and Neil. 

My shoulders sagged in relief. “Thanks, you won’t even know I’m here,” I assured them, walking over and sliding into the seat between the two men. Taking care not to brush any of them, I slowly exhaled. Best not to draw any more attention to myself than I already had. 

The card game continued on, but I could tell they were occasionally glancing at me. Well, good thing I couldn’t really feel worse than I currently did. 

Neil bumped my elbow and I moved it to give him more space. Surely I wasn’t taking up that much room. Compared to the AB I was pretty damn small. He called me “Shortie” for a reason. 

He did it again, but moved slower and didn’t so much bump my elbow as nudge it. Beneath the numbness and crushing exhaustion, curiosity sparked. What was this man up to? 

When his elbow brushed mine again, I left it there. He pressed his against mine but continued on with the game. His skin was quite warm, and despite the small area of contact, the touch sent a feeling of ease through me and slowly forced the tension out of my shoulders. A strong leg pressed against mine, further driving away the agonizing emptiness. Releasing a long breath once more, I shifted closer to the man. I waited, tense, for him to move away but he stayed where he was. Giving a mental ‘fuck it’, I leaned against him. 

The men must have been subtly watching, because they immediately commented on my unusual behavior. 

“Hey kid, what’s eatin’ ya?” Geitch asked from across the table. 

It took some effort, but I managed to raise my eyes to his. “Eh, I’ll be fine in a few.”

“Wasn’t the question,” Eckhart remarked, raising an eyebrow.  

“Aye, somethin’s buggin’ ya,” Hobbs added, twisting in his chair to look at me while still hiding his cards from Eckhart. 

I dropped my eyes. “Nothin’s wrong.” 

“Bullshit.” Neil nudged me with his leg. “You don’t mope like this.”

I shook my head. “Y’all don’t get it. Literally nothing is wrong. My brain just… malfunctions at times.”

“Malfunctions?” 

“We got a happy chemical our brain is supposed to produce. Sometimes my brain says ‘Fuck you, chemical machine broke’ and quits on me for an hour or two. It’s jacked enough already, but it can get really bad,” I managed.

“Sounds like hell,” Geitch commented. 

I huffed. “No shit, man. Fuckin’ sucks ass and swallows.”

The men chuckled. “Least you keep your foul mouth,” Hobbs teased, punching my arm. 

“Oh, that gets worse durin’ this.”

“Good outlet,” Eckhart laughed. 

“Guess it can be,” I shrugged, before sighing and dropping my eyes to the table again. 

The weak reply seemed to sober the men a little. 

“Should we get Tom?” Geitch asked, shifting to get out of his seat. 

“No!” I yelped, panic spreading across my face. “Last thing I need is to burden more people with this.”

My fearful response only got them more worried.

“You clearly aren’t doin’ good, kid,” Neil pointed out. “Wouldn’t Tom help?”

“He’s on duty right now. I’m not botherin’ him,” I stressed, shaking my head. “Just… can you get back to the card game? I’d have stayed away if I knew I’d bother y’all this much.”

They exchanged glances with each other. 

Shit, I knew I was bothering them! I shifted and went to slide out of the seat to leave them alone, but Neil’s heavy arm across my back and shoulders pushed me back down into the seat. 

“Ya aren’t botherin’ no one,” he growled. “Said ya can stay, so sit.”

I held his gaze for a moment before settling back into the chair. “If you’re sure.”

“Wouldn’t say it if we weren’t,” Hobbs remarked, shifting back to face the others at the table. 

“Y’all ain’t the type to hold your tongues on anythin’ that’s for sure,” I huffed, salt forming a crack in the prison wall. 

Neil squeezed my shoulder. “Right.” 

I expected him to remove his arm to continue the game, but the heavy limb stayed where it was, fingers tapping absentmindedly to the faint music playing over the radio.  

Slowly exhaling once more, I hesitated before shifting so my side rested against his. The faint rhythm of the radio coupled with the creaking and rolling of the ship coaxed me further and further towards sleep again.

But would I be safe sleeping around them? They were sailors after all. Even if I was fairly close now with Neil and Hobbs, and none of these men in particular had done anything sketchy, I just couldn’t be 100% sure. Could pretend to be asleep and see how they react.

Closing my eyes, I waited a few moments before letting my head roll to the side against Neil. 

“They fall asleep?” Neil asked. 

“Not so loud, idiot, you’ll wake ‘em up,” Hobbs hissed. 

“What do we do?” Geitch asked. “Carry ‘em back to Tom’s cabin?”

“That would also wake them up,” Eckhart pointed out. 

“I’m comfortable, just leave ‘em and let ‘em sleep,” Neil said, pulling me closer to him. 

“Softie,” Hobbs teased. 

“Am not.” 

“Look atcha, lettin’ the kid sleep on ya.”

Neil snorted. “You’d do the same.”

“They’re kinda cute when they’re asleep and not threatenin’ us with violence,” Geitch commented with a short laugh. 

“Hey, they’re nineteen,” Neil growled. “You’re thirty two. Back off.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, cockhead,” Geitch shot back. “You know I see ‘em as a sibling, same as you! Didn’t mean anything weird by it!”

“Hope not,” Eckhart said. “They’re not asleep. Saw them twitch at your comment.”

The men were quiet before Hobbs ventured, “Kid? You sleepin’ or not?” 

“I’m tryin’ if that’s any consolation,” I muttered. 

“Figured ya passed out since you’re pressed against me like this and ya aren’t cuddly awake,” Neil said, adjusting his arm.

“Just go back to the game and let me doze. Warmth and pressure helps keep the sad at bay,” I mumbled. “And I do like hugs, thank you very little. I just don’t know the vibe for them within this hotbed of masculinity.” 

As Eckhart snorted in amusement, Hobbs asked, “Can ya even sleep with us talkin’?”

“Right now no. So start gamin’,” I huffed.

“Sir yes sir,” he chuckled. 

I rolled my eyes. “Smartass,” I muttered, situating myself again. Exhaling slowly, I closed my eyes and let the low music, swaying of the ship, muted voices, and warmth and weight of Neil’s arm lull me back to sleep. 

I just hoped Tom wouldn’t freak when he got back to the cabin and I wasn’t there. 

[darkestbones]

There is many guilt about wanting to throw away my easy life

People would kill to be in my position if it was describe as a job position

No rent

Free home cooked meals

All you gotta do is care for the one teenager in the house and a couple of pets and a bunch of plants and do it with a smile. Far more people love animals far more than i do. They’d do a great job. They’d do it happily. They wouldn’t even care about the obligation they’d have accepted it willingly unlike me.

[but i have accepted it haven’t i. By living in this house i accepted tolerating everything that happens here. With a smile. Terms n conditions]

Care for your own health yeah and the insurance is good so you know. $40 copays n such, cheap mental health medication

Less than 10K in debt (for now, school is changing this)

Yeah you’re likely gonna be working a little more here and there to stave off the repo man and debt collectors but everything always stabilizes eventually. Its a prime position to be in.

Yeah you get woken up at 2/3/4am every day regardless if when you sleep but its barely an inconvenience. You have your own room and literally everything a person in this economy could ask for

So what if all your favorite people are leaving your life? You have plenty of experience letting go.

So what if every day you feel alone? There are plenty of ways to remedy that. So what. Go do something about it. So what. Sonwhat.

So what.

Everything you do will go unnoticed so its the perfect life for an introvert

Once or twice a month you’ll get into unnecessary and preventable arguments over random shit that doesn’t matter

For enrichment

Every other day you’ll wonder if you could survive in the world on your own without all this support

Or well maybe you wouldn’t

To someone else all of this might look like gold for the takingf

They’d love it. They’d be like i have no idea why you hated this so much. Can’t believe you were so frustrated here this is heaven to me

This empire has always been crumbling

What am i even saying

Im just keeping my hands on my phone so i don’t hurt myself

Im just really tired and have been up for awhile

I wonder if i should have just left this place and toughed it out in the world alone

Maybe someone else would appreciate this life better

I would trade but ofncourse it doesnt work that way

Its so funny i was so grateful to be in my life the last time i thought i died

I thought i had died and gone to some corporate hell

A laugh

I kinda miss it but thats how i know im not well in this moment

Still tired of being alive

But i believe in reincarnation so really there is no escape

Just gotta tough it out and hope that the things that are important to me become less so

I need to get my priorities straight

But how can you stop taking your own existence for granted

How can i stop taking this life for granted

How indeed

[fuck--wit]

i can't sleep tonight. tomorrow (in 4 hours) is the first day of my sophomore year of uni. i've been waiting for this day to come because maybe it would help pull me out of the funk i've been in lately, but im worried now that i'll be ill-prepared for it from the lack of sleep. i couldn't sleep the other night, either. i stayed up roughly from 1pm til 2am over 24 hrs later. my memory doesn't serve me well so it's hard to remember precisely how often these lows occur, but i haven't had a completely sleepless night since last fall at least. even my late-night meltdowns from withdrawals left me with some rest each night. i'm also worried about having to quit again. i hope with school starting that it'll be easier to distract myself, but i'm also worried about doing well this semester with just gummies.

i wanna make a sleep basket. i like to change up where i sleep a lot, recently i've been crashing in the couch pit we made. but i want a basket containing remedies for sleepless nights. a journal and pen, ibuprofen and other pain relievers(edibles), it's where i'll keep my loveys, tissues, maybe an easy reading book/comic book, and other things i think of that make sitting alone in the dark a little more bearable. it'll have room for my snacks and water, too.

i've been trying to find a hair routine that helps to accentuate my curl pattern. i've always had a mix of curls patterns from 1b-3b and i've had some luck getting some stronger waves sheet i tried using a cotton shirt during the drying process. i just hope it stays like this for school.

i also hope i don't get berated at school by one of my professors. i got a D in THE pre-requesite for my major and im so grotesquely concerned that my professor is gonna be all professor-y about it. i feel assured that i'm not getting kicked out of the program, i've done really well in every other major-specific course, but i will cry in front of this professor if they make me feel like i'm better off quitting. i know it's my own anxiety that makes me feel this way, and i know in my heart that i'm gonna try harder this semester, i just can't bare the thought of another adult criticizing me for my decisions.

my mom would also commonly get so anxious over things that she lost sleep for it. like the nights before our first days of school, she'd be so nervous about us missing the bus that she wouldn't be able to sleep. i picked up on so many behavioral patterns as a kid that it bothers me a little that i didn't know then what i know now. i wish i could have paid more attention to the patterns in her behavior as they pertained to mood cycles. maybe then i'd be able to determine if she has bipolar, and then if i do, too. it doesn't matter to me what label belongs to my mental illness, i just wish the professional world was more forgiving with accommodations. like, if only i could more easily vocalize my struggle in the moment. like saying, "hang on, what you're asking me to do is actually really challenging and i'm not sure how to do it. and every time i express confusion, you only repeat yourself. so forgive me for crying mid-lesson from stress!" i don't even know how i would go about asking for the other professor. they all work so closely together that i'd fear my current professor hearing my faults with them. and respecting me for it- that's actually the bigger fear. i'm afraid that if i speak up about getting scared or stressed out from this professor will make me look overly-sensitive.

it's been an hour so i'll try sleep again. otherwise i might as well enjoy coffee and the sunrise.

[dirtgoth]

like when something hurts in a way that you didn't expect to feel at all, like im having too much of a surge of emotion to even be able to sleep right now and my self fulfilling prophecy of being too much for people is probably coming true again but at least that means it's all going to be over and i can stop putting myself through this. sometimes i don't know how to protect myself, getting pushed to sleep on the couch feels like a raw electric current through my heart, like when i touched the electric fence with a mental pole on accident as a kid, just a shock i didn't expect to feel, that's going to stop me falling asleep. i guess i just never want it to be goodbye. but it really feels like they've wadded everything up into a tiny ball, death by a thousand cuts over and over and i don't have to keep doing it.

i don't need to know the other half. honestly i don't get to. that's the part that hurts so bad. but im left here holding something that i don't think i ever asked for anyway, and i could cry but its caught in my throat.

this isn't my home and i don't think it ever felt like it. nowhere has felt like home for years it seems, i wasn't expecting this to be it either, not right now, not this soon. but sometime something will have to come that i can stick with, right, i don't know.

let some tears like letting blood, and my eyes burn. i want to be tired enough to sleep. i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. that's no different from any other day though. i guess i know the sun will rise and i'll carry myself through.

i need to make a home within myself so that way i'm always there. im trying to.

im in a lot of pain, i've been in a lot of pain for months and months, i've carried it under different names, there's not a remedy for it here. there might not be a remedy at all, searching for one might be what's causing me all this pain in the first place.

maybe im fine.

im exhausted i know. i feel like i do a lot to show up for people and to be a kind person because that how i want the world to be but recently it's felt like it gets taken and disregarded and unreplenished, and i really don't know how im going to carry on with this after tomorrow.

maybe i just won't

i hate a goodbye, i hate silence, there is no easy ending. but they know that i cared and they set it up to be this way and i know they feel bad, and maybe it's my turn to be selfish. i don't like that taking care of myself feels selfish. i cant tell the difference.

every person ive ever wanted to love as a partner is gone and i guess it ends up that way for a lot of people, im not the only one. i wish i could accept it without feeling it.

but i have to feel it to keep moving forward. i was so sure there'd be an ending with no pain, but now things have switched so much from the way they were at the start, i let things spiral. i don't know when something will work

i don't trust that i'll know what it feels like.

[odetoagirl]

Dear Charlotte Perkins Gilman

is this good for me or bad for me, i cant tell. i feel productive, surely its better than rotting my brain away with concsuming short form media, this certainly requires active thought and prologonged attention, perhaps it is can e considered cretaive or medatative? at least i am creating rather than consuming for once. i can write for longer and longer periods of time, i have more inspiration and ideas, and more to say about those ideas, and perhaps i am improving my expression; although that i am certainly the least sure of. but i cant help feeling as though i might just be consuming my own tail, walking in circles, consuming myself, turning over and over, on the same things. it is neurotic and pathological.

im not intaking any new information, all i can see is all i already know, it is not learning in my usual way. maybe thats okay, could it be considered self reflection? perhaps philosophising or at the very least the development of my writing technique - i do search for the right word and look things up, which is better than nothing. i sort of think all this writing is akin to exercise, which i certainly do not do, but something whispers to me that i am becoming the mad woman in the attic who simply endlessly repeats herself, who cannot escape the fate she predicts of herself.

that is what this is, actually, it is running, it is exercise, round the same grand track endlessly, technique does improve, but slowly and little for lack of outsider critique, indeed you can go for longer and faster each time, but regardless round the track you go and waste away, does the track eat you or do you eat yourself as you continue you onwards, around again. never do you show anyone or compete or compare, you just run, alone, for it is the only thing that quiets your mind and stirs you. you might find when you stop to do something else, that you can do it a little better, but the thought that you must return to the track bleeds internally within you until you do. you used to go weeks without running, now it seems mere hours might drive you to gnawing madness.

so certainly what is it then one ought to do that i should do? ive trapped myself in a cycle of needing to relieve the mental pressure from writing, which certainly is not perfect, but rather a good coping mechanism when considering the alternatives. and too it seems writing is perhaps the only real thing that gives me purpose and joy and i feel motivated to do that cannot just be attributed to a cheap dopamine rush. i really actually enjoy purely for the sake of it, which im not sure i can say for any other single thing. it is not profitable, true, and i limit my own progression by keeping it private, but indeed it is better not to start here and hope to progress? to write in almost privacy here, where i can gain confidence and build the muscles so they might be lean and strong and gain stamina. if i write like this i can one day hope to have the confidence to do something with it, and i keep it all recorded, rather than thinking and being too fearful to write, which certainly might not ever produce any effects at all. i can certainly see that my attention span and concentration is starting to improve even if so very little, my inattentiveness has been snowballing for almost a decade, and this seems to be the only thing to have ever, if only slightly, offered some relief, some remedy. i am beginning to turn away from distraction as tempted by the thought to write, even as i type now my eyes are prickling with tears, i am realising right now with every word, is this what it is to feel, to want? i have to remind myself not to indulge in melodramatic fantasy, i long so badly to want something real that i must not mistake that for the want itself. still, i am putting the pieces together. 1. writing, especially in this way, anonymously, has no clear point or direct benefit in any tangible way. 2. i turn away from easier activities that do provide instant cheap pleasure and direct benefit to write. 3. i have done it for many years. 4. i continue to do it regardless of its fruitfulness, and in spite of the fact that it takes time and work and attention. 5. it makes me feel lighter, peaceful and free. 6. at the very least, even if it goes nowhere, i want to write. let me stop and check that i am not lying to myself right now, not simply caught up in a fictionalised wonder for the sake of it.

'is this what you want? do you want to write?'

'i dont know, surely if i did i would know by now, like know instinctively or at least feel inclined to say yes when you ask me'

'well why the fuck else would you do it?'

'i dont know'

'you have to stop reinforcing this rhetoric that everything you want or think or feel will come naturally to you, it wont, its okay, youre not that person - maybe you could be - but right now you exist under piles and piles of repression, self hatred and restraint, you will have to start to learn how to recognise things about yourself beyond intuition. you must have wants and desires and loves, but for you in this lifetime it will rarely be as simple as a following of your heart, it cannot guide you as it does most, it is far too armoured for that. instead, we look for other options, we learn to explore, and can do other things, like observe your behaviours so that you may come to realise how you feel. you have fought every instinct within your body so fiercely your mind really has won out over it; a difficult thing to do. your soul has forgotten how to tell you what it likes and wants, and so now we have to be hyper vigilant and watch where it still learns to slip through the cracks. your thirst for external knowledge is so insatiable because you know nothing of your subconscious. you turn over and over the same things here, swimming and searching through your own ego and conscious, finding only the same logic and patterns again and again, because your subconscious remains totally inaccessible to you. you have buried your soul in shame so deeply that you totally lack a part of yourself that you will not find by sifting through what you already know and arent afraid of. up to this point, the only other desire you had discovered was for women, which took so many years of discovery, despite your body screaming the signs - which you chose to rather actively ignore. regardless well done with that, even though its still hard, its the only desire you knew for a very very long time. and now, maybe we might add writing to the list. it doesnt have to last, or be in any sort of serious academic pursuit, you dont have to show anyone or profit from it. but learn to say that you like it, that it drives you, that you care about it, that you want it, that being better matters to you. you can be wrong, it doesnt need to mean forever, even if it makes you sick, just say it right now like you mean it. why dont you just try'

'i want to be a writer'

'okay now actually say it'

i want to be a writer.

[trickstarbrave]

herbal remedy update bc i cannot go on BC (hormonal birth control gives me like. "sent to the hospital" panic attacks. fsr. no we dont know why):

so far its been going alright. i am still not sleeping without my specific herbal sleep remedy. which sucks bc i really Dont Like Passionflower but it is what it is.

as for the others:

>temperature when im sleeping is still weird. i get weirdly hot which could be "this bedroom sucks" or smth else. one day i woke up feeling feverish and asked for the heater to be turned off and it wasnt even on. ITS WINTER. but it has improved slightly. maybe bc its actually freezing cold outside. maybe the herbs are working. idk.

>i am no longer ravenously hunger despite having just eaten. i still get hungry but like. my normal amount. i get munchies when high but i no longer feel the need to consume 1000 calories before i pass out. which is good.

>still low energy but it is winter and i am disabled. it is what it is.

>still excess body hair which is a problem bc i pick at it. i might just try waxing to get the places i pick the most removed

>have still been on the upswing mentally which is good. haven't gone into hypomania but i haven't fallen back into depression. which is good bc i do not know what the FUCK was up with the last depressive episode.

>still have tummy troubles if i eat high fat foods when i am lazy. trying to find a way to balance that in my diet tbh. im disabled so making food is quite difficult some days and multiple steps means i just will not eat, order food, or put smth in the microwave. trying to find low fat options for quick foods bc its annoying (this is bc my gallbladder was removed you dont need to eat low fat unless there is a dietary restriction) but they usually taste like ass.