#i know my breaks never last long bc i have trouble staying away from social media but

[kissesforsatoru]

Also, to add to my previous ask. What If socially anxious darling was wearing headphones and ear plugs to block out noise bc she's hypersensitive to noise. And then when she tells baji that she dislikes noise, watch him literally shoo the crowd away [as in giving LITERAL DEATH GLARES that promise you the ruin of everyone you love if you don't FUCK OFF] bc he doesn't want to growl and potentially trigger darling. It works like a charm bc people [bar chifuyu and kazutora if they're with him] get to stepping like mad.

Also, when she tells him that she dislikes getting her ears cleaned bc of the noises, then I feel like he'll do his best to eliminate it so she doesn't have to worry. And then when he finds out that her family/brother has been intentionally triggering her late at night, and that's why she sometimes comes to school tired. Watch her brother be put on the news, and baji basically adopts [read:kidnapping] his darling onsight.

She won't have to deal with that shit again if he has anything to say about it. [It got a little bit specific there bc I've been through the last scenario, and I just wanted baji to comfort me and act like my knight in shining armor.]

in regards to this ask.

i say this a lot but baji is incredibly conscious of his darling. he thinks of the smallest things to accommodate your needs and comfort, even if it means he has to control himself to do it. not growling to keep darling content is literally the perfect example of this. also not starting fights with dumbasses that mess with you to not draw attention is another example. and it’s not difficult for him to do either. baji will naturally fall into the nurturing attentive roll just for his darling. only for his darling. if it were anyone else then baji probably really wouldn’t give a shit to not cause scenes or be quiet.

as for if your family is intentionally doing stuff to trigger your sensory sensitivity, then baji would be pissed, but we knew that already, didn’t we. he knows how upsetting it can be for you because he’s seen first hand how worked up and freaked out you get at school, especially assembly’s. he hates seeing you like that, hates knowing that you get like that just as much. baji would threaten your family, break your brothers bones maybe and ruin something of your parents, a project or something expensive. and then baji will start letting you come home with him during lunch and after school to take naps so you can get the proper rest your family deprives you of.

bajis mama is genuinely shocked for once about something he does when he brings you over. the fighting, the yelling, the getting into trouble she expects of him, but to bring someone over and be quiet for them, be the proper house guest he’s never been before by getting you food and drinks and taking care of anything you may need. she expected him to get antsy and start acting out, but no. no matter how long you stay, baji will remain quiet, and he’ll even let you lay in his lap and he’ll gently run his fingers through your hair and on your back. ryoko never expected anything like that from her son, it was a miracle.

but yeah anyway! baji just,,, takes care of you 🤷‍♂️

[slashpaws]

leaving for a bit

[mikeshanlon]

i really enjoy the way young royals explores the theme of legacy and how detrimental it can be to have to live up to a legacy or be obsessed with reputation. (analysis and thoughts under the cut)

i think wilhelm resents the fact that he has to live up to the role of being in the royal family and yet is very afraid of ruining that legacy bc of all the pressure. before he was sent off to hillerska he went to a normal school and wanted normal people around him and was content with erik having to take on the responsibilities of crown prince. and when he does have to assume that role he says he can never be erik, that he’s always had to be compared to him and obviously doesn’t like that. but even before erik passed and he had to take on those duties he was afraid of fucking up the legacy of the crown, when he sees that sign in the hallway that says you are in charge of your own legacy after he holds hands with simon, his anxiety worsens. you can tell it’s been instilled in him for a long time that what is most important is the crown’s reputation rather than his own wants. in the scene where him and simon fight about alexander being caught, he obviously wants simon to stay, but he focuses on how him doing drugs will fuck up his family’s reputation if it gets leaked. as much as he cares for simon, his legacy and his duties are like this oppressive cloud hanging over him. 

i do think that wille cares for his family of course but to me it’s different that the sort of loyal unconditional care with simon and his sister/mom. erik and wille had unconditional love, erik understood how difficult being a prince in the public eye was, and wille obviously cared for him deeply and felt like he could to talk to him about issues. his relationship with the queen is much more strained, she wants a tailored, doctored representation of him in the media, he cannot be anxious and bite his nails, she makes all the decisions for him. family is important to wille partially because it has to be bc of how special his family is. he helps his family, he helps august pay his tuition, and then makes a point of disowning august after his betrayal as his new “brother”. but again, because of the royal status and expectations upon the family, that supersedes and colors all of their relationships with each other. it seems to be more a sense of “duty” than unconditional love. especially after erik’s death, wille always has to consider how the crown’s image will be impacted, even though he never wanted to have this responsibility, or even the responsibility of being the “regular” prince under erik. being a family unit that is under constant public scrutiny is going to strain relationships. the queen knows that the anxiety of fucking up his legacy will get to him, and she uses that to get wilhelm to back out of admitting it was him in the video and coming out. wilhelm has to choose between his own happiness and their reputation, is forced to think that denying it’s him in the video is the only way. he loves simon and wanted to live freely, but that pressure of legacy won out.

i don’t know if i think wille necessarily values the crown over his own personal happiness and relationships, like in the way maybe the queen does--i don’t think it comes from a place of “i’m lucky to be prince and owe my duty to the crown, so i do what i have to do to stay that way” (like how the queen said the crown is a privilege not a punishment), but from fear of destroying the legacy and his family. afterall, he still wanted to pursue a secret relationship with simon, i think if he fully valued the crown and uplifting legacy and fulfilling his duties he wouldn’t have tried that. he wouldn’t have made a point to tell simon he loves him. hopefully we get another season because i think with the iconic ending revolution rendition and him looking in the camera, which also parallels the shot of him being forced to apologize/go to hillerska, he is realizing that focusing on legacy is taking away what’s important to him, and he’s going to shake shit up.

august is definitely the most obsessed with legacy, wanting to carry on his father’s business, being persistent on befriending wilhelm and trying to social climb, wanting power and perfection with being prefect, rowing captain etcetera. he is so obsessed with perfection and reputation he gets addicted to drugs, he fucks with simon and makes him get stuff for parties he can’t afford because good parties will make him look better, he manipulates sara multiple times, he mostly wanted felice because of her nobility, he fucking films wilhelm and simon and OUTS him, his own cousin. he hates that wille has everything he wants but isn’t as interested in preserving and more importantly improving the legacy he’s inheriting. meanwhile august’s familial legacy is dwindling, and he holds on to the last bit of assets and names that he can.... v much sick and a weirdo that shows how harmful being obsessed with legacy is

the queen is of course v focused on legacy and it really breaks my heart and makes me angry that she doesn’t care about wilhelm’s happiness more than their reputation, and moreso doesn’t get august in trouble for literally leaking child p*rn of her kid for the sake of appearances?!?!?! like how is he even remotely trustworthy she is wrong for that! like i said earlier the obsession with legacy puts a strain on their mother/son relationship. she doesn’t even really say anything about wille’s sexuality or his relationship, and barely comforts him, mostly goes in with a plan she’s already concocted without him to fix everything. 

erik seemed to understand and accept his role as crown prince but obviously had issues with it as well, like when he makes the plan for him and wilhelm to run from the press, or when he tells wilhelm to enjoy himself while there aren’t so many eyes on him that care. erik shows someone who has more unconditional love and empathy but still has to focus on legacy and is much more inclined to continue his legacy, but we do see those glimpses over how even the most “ideal” attitude of preserving legacy causes issues.

felice is expected to live up to her mother’s legacy, of being an equestrian, of being the lucia, but she doesn’t want either of those things. her mother wants her to be thinner and straighten her hair, and find someone of nobility to be with. obviously she does find wilhelm attractive lol but i think the main reason she pursued him and definitely why she pursued august was because she was expected to social climb and have royal kids. felice feels the need to portray a false narrative of herself on social media to uphold a certain image of herself. it’s very fucked up that her mom wants those values instilled in her but i love that felice was putting up boundaries and pushing back against her mother and the narrative she’s supposed to live up to. her giving sara the role of lucia and focusing on supporting her friends more in the latter half of the season shows growth and i’m excited to see where her story goes. 

sara is interesting because she seems to want to reject the legacy of her family and being working class and to fit in with the elite of hillerska. sara hates micke, hates that simon contacted him because it’s bringing in this “shameful” and painful part of their past (which i mean is def fair). other than sara’s betrayal in 1.06, i think the scene where she tells her family that she wants to reside at hillerska really exemplifies where she’s at in her relation to legacy/class. after dining at hillerska and living amongst the elite she gets annoyed at eating around the TV, she blames her mother for not leaving micke sooner, she gets angry with simon for caring for her. she wants to lead her own life, be popular and wanted because people want her, not for pity (even though i think simon of course truly cares abt his sister she feels annoyed with his protection and care). felice says early on that she thinks sara doesn’t care what other’s think or having friends, and sara says she still wants friends though. i think sara’s biggest thing is she wants to belong, her and simon moved schools after she was bullied for being autistic so i think that definitely affected her even though she tries to act nonchalant about hillerska at first. we see sara’s longing to fit in in smaller ways at first, like her asking her mom for a better piece of her uniform because hers are “cheap” and already worn out. she gets annoyed at simon for chewing loudly, or her mother sitting casually at the table. as she gets closer to felice and madison and all the other students, the allure of the upper class and their lifestyle draws her in more. so much to the point where she gets very anxious and upset at the idea of her and simon leaving hillerska because he’s having his own crisis and doesn’t consider his pov. so much so that she effectively betrays simon and felice, the people she’s closest to, to make a deal (and make out lol) with august to room there and “be just like him”. personally i think sara’s attraction to august is mostly that allure of the elite and that he seemed to “desire” her when he kissed her because he was being a manipulative dickhead--again that want to fit in and be wanted. and  i think there is a really interesting angle of jealousy and competition in female friendships, even if it is really subtle or not intentionally insidious or anything, sara does slowly start to trying to assume all the roles/fashions/mannerisms of felice to live that life she wants. i do think felice and sara’s care for each other is genuine and one of my fave parts of the show, but i think a lot of people who experienced being a teen girl know how we are always pitted against each other even in our subconscious because of how society treats and values women.

simon seems to be the character that is least interested in upholding legacy and tradition or giving a fuck what anyone thinks (as omar said here lmao) and that makes him a really interesting foil to wilhelm. there could be something said about micke fearing that simon is following in his footsteps, but to me that plot more so reveals how the upper class (august) continually exploit the working class for their benefit, and the trappings of generational oppression. the other thing that can be said is simon signing up for private tutoring and rowing, but again i think that serves to further show that he is forced to “play” by the game of the elites because the school/society is corrupt, and also, that simon has further ambitions outside of where he’s at. he wants to get good grades because he wants to explore new places and avenues. to me simon’s biggest motivations are his passions, the things and people he loves--music, his family, wilhelm. he isn’t loyal to others just because he’s expected to be, or uphold a certain image but because he really cares. he doesn’t watch out for sara because that’s his expected role as her brother to do so, but because he cares. he wasn’t interested in knowing wilhelm because he’s a prince like everyone else, he makes it clear he thinks the royal family are privileged and exploitative, but he is interested because he saw the real wilhelm. he’s out and proud even though his elite classmates are more conservative, he doesn’t care about voicing his unpopular opinions, he has no problem walking away from august’s dickhead behavior or calling him out on his shit. simon doesn’t care if people don’t think of him in the best light. (the only exceptions ig are the drugs conflict and the video, though literally anyone would have a problem with that because it’s much deeper that public opinion and has ramifications and is deeply traumatic--but just adding that before someone is like “well actually!”) i also think it’s interesting that most of the songs simon sings has themes of pushing back against the societal norms, and being remembered in history, plus of course the revolution song motif, and how much those songs affect wilhelm, he seems to connect deeply, like he wishes he could do those things but simon is the one who gets to sing them and actually live them.

[bewitchedbodyandsol]

If I Were Not Myself

Description: Reader is a mandalorian from Din’s covert who was manipulated into taking off her helmet. HEAVILY based on Pierre and Natasha from Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812. Takes place before the child (bc age reasons and character development has not happened). Trying to stay as close to the approximate ages in Great Comet/War and Peace, putting Din at 27 while reader is 19. 

 Notes: Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812 makes me absolutely mad. The only spoken lines in the musical and it makes my heart shatter. Okay, I don’t think Din would be as courteous towards a dar’manda as I write him but also like, this is a Din/Pierre hybrid, so. And yes I know that based on these ages Toro Calican would have barely been born, but um, yeah <3. IT’S MY FIC AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.  Also, this is my first time writing and posting fan fiction so um, yeah <3

Word Count: 2.9K

Rating: G

Tags/warnings: Thoughts of death (in an almost philosophical way). fem!reader Dar’manda!reader, war and peace au? No use of y/n, slightest hint of Toro Callican x reader and Paz x Reader (like they’re mentioned), age gap

If I were not myself,

But the brightest,

Handsomest,

Best man on earth,

And if I were free,

I would get down on my knees,

This minute,

And ask you for your hand.

And for your love.

The mandalorians-the mandalorian and the dar’manda, stood in front of each other. The air still. When he had initially seen her he ran towards her, he stopped less than a foot away and reached a hand out to her, but instead of taking his outstretched hand like he had expected, she slowly moved past him. She put an awkward amount of distance between the two. The gap between them too large for how friendly they normally were, while anything closer seemed too overwhelming. Din knew he had to stay far enough away to keep himself from completely engulfing the girl in an embrace, fists curling at his sides to stop himself from reaching out to her again. 

---- 

Din had known the young woman her entire life, for she was born shortly after he had been taken in as a foundling. While all families in the covert were friendly with one another, theirs had been especially close. And they had been especially fond of each other. The age difference caused them to participate in different activities and talk with different social groups but did not stop them from interacting completely. In fact, the two mandalorians had grown to be close friends. The young girl confided in Din about her newest crush on the covert while he doted on her for it and she would laugh at the gruff noises he made while being teased by peers, watching him try to act tough while knowing he would huff and puff to her about it later. 

He had watched her grow, from a nervous young girl who stood in the middle of a room filled with people simply to make them listen to her sing, to a young woman who knew how to carry herself and gain the attention of her peers from sheer presence. At the same time, the girl watched Din grow from a flustered teenage boy to a closed off young man who became more and more stoic with each passing visit. 

As the years went on the two became distant, caught up in the paths life had put them on. Din started running with Ran’s crew, his visits to the covert became few and far between, while she had stayed and chose to act as a nurse for the foundlings. Their friendship seemingly evaporated, dissolved to nothing but pleasantries. The young woman noticed the growing weight on her dear friend’s shoulders, but was unknowing of the whirlwind he found himself caught in. His growing reputation, worrisome discoveries he made about himself, and the insatiable twi’lek girl he had gotten tangled with. 

During his last visit home, Din had introduced the young woman to his friend Paz Vizsla. The two had known of each other for quite some time but had never formally been introduced, and quickly after he acquainted them Din felt a shift in the air, as if he was intruding on something he was not meant to see. He had not expected the pair to become so infatuated with one another. Aware of Paz’s past, the hardships he faced, losing not only a wife but a child at a young age, and the battles he fought; and the young woman’s naivete, having rarely left the covert herself and her general lack of life experience. So when he heard that they planned to wed, he had been surprised to say the least. 

That had only been one year ago. A year, and yet so much had changed. Din truly had not planned on a return home for quite some time. While he had been on the planet for a while, as the crew had a job that stationed them there, he had not planned on visiting the covert. As he had no obligations to do so, prior to the holo he had received from the girl's aunt in which she explained the situation to him and pleaded for him to return. She explained how the girl had broken off her engagement to Paz and made plans to run away with Toro Calican, whom she had only known for a few days, instead. Din had heard of Calican before and had even had the ‘pleasure’ of meeting him once, he found the suave young man obnoxious and to be nothing but trouble. Oh but what angered him the most about the young man, was seeing his own worst qualities reflected right back at him. His fears and flaws were flaunted by the young mercenary. When Din heard it was Calican the girl had become involved with, he didn’t even have time to think before it had slipped past his lips that the young man himself was married, and unlike Paz his wife was still alive. The girl’s aunt had begged him to return to scare Calican off the planet and to attempt to speak some sense into the girl. But when Din had returned it had been too late, she had revealed her face to an already married man, and unknowingly to her, his friends as well. Leaving her dar’manda. 

--- 

It felt almost inappropriate to stand in front of her in this state. With her lack of armor and helmet, she might as well have been naked from a cultural standpoint. She stood in the middle of the room in her thermals. Her beskar had been stripped from her, no doubt to be given to someone more deserving, a foundling most likely. Her back towards him, Din noticed her arms hung still next to her, obviously too exhausted to even subconsciously twiddle the edges of her shirt like she used to do when she was a younger, more nervous girl. When she turned around and looked at him, it felt like she could see into his soul. The helmet prevented her from looking him in the eyes, but having worn a helmet herself and interacting with so many others who did the same, she easily knew where his were hidden behind the mask. And when he looked into her eyes, Din could see the weight of the galaxy crashing down on her. 

“Din Djarin.” She tested out his name. And something in him shattered. No one had referred to him by name in so long, simply referring to him as ‘mando’, but Din Djarin was not the name she had used the last time he saw her. No, she had simply called him Din. The sudden change in formality made tense, as he took a second to respond. “Din” He took a breath and corrected her. It wasn’t until the girl’s face shot down did he realize he had started leaning forward, his weight shifted to the balls of his feet, left hand flexing at his side. 

He hadn’t seen her face in six years. No one had. Like most in the covert the young girl had sworn the creed promptly at the age of 13. After swearing the creed she had grown into herself, the young nervous girl Din had become friends with was replaced by a confident young woman. A skilled fighter and diplomat, yet as charming and giddy as ever. He could only imagine how she had grown ever more captivating as time went on. Din had never thought it to be a shame if a beautiful face was hidden behind a wall of beskar, his religion more important than simple vanity, and yet. As he saw her face on full display, he understood. Understood how someone who had become so enamored by the girl could do such a selfish thing, ask her to take off her helmet. 

“Vizsla was, Vizsla is your friend.” She corrected herself. Her ex-fiancé had fought in a far off battle for so long she had developed the bad habit of assuming him dead. Once again, the girl’s sudden formality was not lost on Din, referring to her ex fiancé as Vizsla rather than her usual endearing Paz. “He once told me that I should turn to you.” 

He had always reproached dar’mandas, finding them to be less than. Thought they had already shown themselves to be unworthy of the mandalorian title and armor if they could so easily take it off. That it took a truly weak man to break from The Way, from a people that loved fiercely and unconditionally. He wanted so badly to despise her. To give her the same scowl and acid laced words he might anyone else. But there was something about the way the young woman held her head. As if, even though she no longer had her helmet, she still did not want her face to be shown, and at that any chance of reproach towards her had died. Instead it was replaced by a feeling of pity. He had wanted to believe he felt nothing but pity for her, but he knew that wasn’t right. There was something else, something he was unable to place. 

“He’s returned. When you see him… Can you please tell him to, please tell him to forgive me.” She moved as if she meant to wring her hands, but when her fingertips found skin instead of leather gloves, they quickly shot back down to her sides. 

“Yeah, I’ll-I’ll tell him.” Din’s throat tightens as he recalls his conversation with Paz. How his friend returned from battle only to hear of his fiancé having an affair, removing her helmet in front of people who were not her riduur or ade. Recalling Paz’s posture, his voice almost malicious yet so pained when he said he could not forgive the girl of her actions. How the image of Paz, a man Din looked up to, had been shattered with a few simple words. “But-” 

“I know everything’s over, that chance of anything is gone.” Her head shot up, as if she had read his mind, anticipated his words. “But still, I’m haunted by what I’ve done, what I’ve done to him. Tell him please, to forgive me. For everything.” 

“I’ll tell him to forgive you. I’ll tell him everything.” Din nodded, as he thought of his next words carefully. “I want to know one thing. Did you really love him? Did you love that bad man” His voice sounded hoarser than usual. 

“Don’t call him bad.” She spat out. “But I, I don’t know. I really don’t.” Though the speed of her response told Din her real answer. That in some said way, yes, she really had loved Toro Calican. The man who had pushed her farther than anyone else had, pushed the boundary most important to anyone who shared their creed. Pushed her to do something she had never previously thought about. So uncaring of consequences. And if she had not loved him, she at least still held strong feelings for him. For the man who had manipulated her.

The young woman turned away from Din and began to cry. And he could hear the dam of emotions she held back break in the sob she let out. He could do nothing but watch as she began to crumple in on herself. The same feeling of pity from earlier returned, but it was now accompanied by a tenderness he had become unfamiliar with and that same something he was still unable to place. Din felt the tears pool at his jaw before he was even able to comprehend that he had started to cry. Thankful for his helmet as it prevented anyone from seeing the tears that rolled down his cheek. 

“Hey, we don’t. We don’t have to talk about it anymore, ner vod.” The familiarity slipped out of his mouth, meant to comfort them both. He slowly made his way towards her, reached his hand out the same as he had done earlier. “But. I’m still, your friend. And if you ever need someone to talk to, or someone to open your heart to. Not now, but, when your mind is clear. Think of me.” 

Din grew confused.

He had no idea where any of this was coming from. Especially after her had become so closed off over the past few years. He had felt more in the past few minutes here with her, warm and tender feelings that he had not realized he so dearly missed, than he possibly had in years. And there it was, that feeling he had been unable to place, unable to give a name, coming to the surface. Love. He had always carried affection towards her, in one way or another, but this was different. Love, something he had started to wonder if he was incapable of. 

“Don’t talk to me like that.” She snapped. “I don’t, I don’t deserve it.” Came out softer, sadder, and she practically scurried away from the man. Like she truly believed it. 

“Stop! Stop. You have the rest of your life-” The first stop a command, the second a plea. The girl stopped, her back still faced him. 

“The rest of my life? My life is over.” The girl reached the doorway she had entered through earlier, a tight grip on the wall. 

“Over.” He repeated. Looking at the girl, he saw a reflection of himself. His fears and flaws hung heavy around the girl. The same horrible thoughts that had plagued his mind not so long ago. 

The knowledge that one was capable of hurting people doing bad things, the thought that death might be more accepting and caring fate. The fear that life had ended before it even began. But unlike when he had seen those same traits in Toro Calican, who wore them with pride, he saw the same level of fear in the young woman that he had felt. 

And suddenly, everything stopped. 

“If I were not myself.” 

The young woman froze at his words. Din had not even registered that he was speaking until he had finished. 

“But the brightest, handsomest

Best man in the galaxy” 

Din had done bad things. Din had done bad things and enjoyed doing them. He had dangerous thoughts, dangerous intentions, and a dangerous way of life. He knew he was still not the man he needed to be. So much to improve upon before even thinking of settling down with someone, let alone the young woman in front of him. Though she was not perfect either, not the woman he knew she was capable of becoming, but he still thought she was deserving of perfection. 

“And If I were free-” His throat threatened to close. 

The Xi’an of it all was, Din was not in the position to be offering his love to someone else. And while they were not the ideal couple, he was still tied to her. He had his suspicions that the twi’lek girl might have been seeing other men along with him, but it did not stop him from remaining faithful to the girl. Along with the weight of his relationship on his heart, was the beskar lock he kept tight on it. His creed, the most important thing in his life. What he held himself to above all else. She was dar’manda, while he was not. A fact he could not simply ignore. Any hopes of a relationship between the two had been destroyed when she revealed herself. But he could not stop himself from loving her, from wishing he could do this one thing for her. 

“I would get down on my knees this minute 

And ask you for your hand” His voice strained. It could truly be that simple, they could be married in the matter of seconds. Vows exchanged, tied to each other for the rest of their lives. It was something he had never dreamed of, but as he stood in front of the young woman now. There was nothing he wanted more. 

“And for your love” 

The young woman turned around.

And reality comes crashing down. 

She makes her way over to him faster than Din thought safe for someone in her state. Her breaths jagged as she tries to control her tears. Tenderness replacing the earlier weight in her eyes. 

His breath hitches when her hand touches the cheek of his helmet. But he lets her, trusting her single hand to not make any bold moves, knowing the girl would not dare to lift the helmet off his head, to damn him to the same fate she had damned herself. Din’s breath catches in his throat, his eyes closing behind his helmet as he leans into her hand. A tear rolls down his cheek. The young woman simply looks at the man in front of her. And she gives him the softest smile he has ever seen. 

“Oh Din,” she whispers. ‘Thank you’, she means to continue, but the words are caught in her throat, leaving her to simply mouth them instead. She lets her hand fall from his face and leaves the room, smiling. 

Din stands and watches her leave, trying to hold back any oncoming tears, and lets out a shaky breath. Realizing his job here is done, he turns around to leave. Bumping into the doorway on his way out, he takes a deep steady breath, and makes his way to the Razor Crest.

[fishfarmfrankie]

Bakusquad as types of Relationships

The type of romantic relationship the bakusquad would have with their s/o(You)

+ Your relationships theme song bc why not

Trigger Warnings; none :)

feat. Sero, Bakugou, Denki, Kirishima and Mina 💞💕💘💝💖

Sero Hanta

Summer Fling

-Sero give me big summer energy. 

-I imagine him being that relationship that randomly sparks after you two spot each other at a beachside bar. You instantly hit it off and fall hard. 

-It’s an even combination of Lust and Love, as well as solid companionship.

-The two of you just seem to click so fast, as if you were soulmates. And since it’s the summer holidays, you two have all the free time you could ever want. 

-You spend every available minute with Sero as you two enjoy each others company, sharing ice cream, going surfing, gate crashing random parties together, getting high and just sharing the vibes. You can’t get enough of each other. 

-Kiri, Denki and Bakugou would be so confused yet surprised at how Sero was able to even approach you. And then how he managed to convince you to go out with him, only ten minutes after meeting you? HE’S SMOOTH ASF (And was probably a bit drunk 😳)

-But as Summer ends, you learn that Sero is only spending the summer holidays in your region. You follow Sero to the plane and he offers to have you go with him, but you can’t. So, as the sunsets, you watch as your summer fling Sero flies away on the last day of Summer vacation.

-Though Sero never officially broke it off with you, you think this is because it was obvious enough, but this is actually because Sero was hoping to see you again next year 🥺🏖

-Then when you try to tell all your friends about your hot summer fling no one believes you 😔

Relationship Theme song: Borderline by Tame Impala, Pineapple Skies by Miguel

~~

Denki Kaminari

Partners in Crime

-Okay so you two were chaotic enough without being a couple but THEN THE TWO CRAZIEST CRACKHEADS HAD TO GET TOGETHER AND CAUSE PURE ANARCHY AMONG EVERY STREET YOU ROAM HUH?

-Students  s h u d d e r  when they see you two roaming the halls at school. Like you’re the couple that has a reputation for causing chaos wherever you go. Whether it be stupid dares or crazy pranks you try to pull on class 1-A. UA can never get a break with you two around.

-You two are connected on a different level I swear. Like you two would be hanging out with the gang and Denki just makes a snort sound and next minute you’re both having a full conversation in rat language🙄

- Ngl there’s a lot of lust in this one 👀, the second your parents’ shoes leave the front door Denki is right there in your bed O-O

-lemme just say ‘horny weebs’. That is all good day.

-The worst thing about this is you two always seem to be together. Like Denki loves keeping you around to show you off. If you’re not physically with him, he’s showing people his phone’s lock screen and background (Which is a photo of you)

-omfg y’all tried to start up your own little podcast one time but you found that you guys were literally just laughing for 40 minutes straight.

Relationship Theme Song: Greek Tragedy by the wombats (Oliver nelson remix), Touch You (The Yarichin Bitch club theme song lmao)~

~~

Bakugou Katsuki

Secret Forbidden love/Star crossed lovers

-Okok I know a lot of y’all think that Bakugou would like to show you off and I think this is true to a certain extent, like I feel like a long period of time he would want to keep the relationship a secret in fear of being ridiculed. 

-This relationship would be filled with love, you being the only one Bakugou will obey ;)

-You two would always play little games where you try to steal kisses from each other while no one is looking. Of course no one notices.

-!Secret dates! Constantly trying to search for the most secluded cafes around. There would be tons of little moments where Bakugou spots someone like Sero and is forced to hide lol

-You’re the only one who sees Bakubabe’s soft side 🥺

-Though because no one knows you’re in a relationship you do get quite a lot of people flirting with you and this fucks Bakugou off to the max.

-One day some person straight up tries to kiss you and Bakugou rips them away from you and fuckin socks him, drop kicks em’ like a rugby ball. The person is splayed on the floor, blood nose, and shocked as all fuck, stuttering; “What the hell? what’s your problem man!”

-Bakugou is like; “STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM! THEY’RE MINE AND ONLY MINE AND I’M SICK OF FUCKSTICK EXTRAS LIKE YOU THINKING YOU EVEN HAVE A CHANCE WITH MY S/O!”

-No one saw that coming 🤭

Relationship Theme Song: Sofia by Clairo, Asshole by hooligan chase, LOOK AT ME! by xxxtentacion (im sorry yall 😭)

~~

Kirishima Ejirou

Power couple

-Kirishima would honestly be the best boyfriend ever. 

-Everyone shipped you two together, but was surprised when he actually asked you out, AND you said yes. 

-You two are the power duo that can do anything together. Dude when y’all are teamed up in practice fights for training no one can beat you two. Not even Bakugou. UNSTOPPABLE POWER.

-fucking dates at they gym🙄 nah but kiri’s dates are always full of adventures, like rock climbing (( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• ))

-There is a lot of respect here, and a lot of support. Kirishima feels comfortable sharing all his insecurities about his quirk and ‘manliness’ with you, of course, he’s there for you whenever you need. Very dependable. THIS IS WHY YALL ARE SO STRONG 💪👹

-We love a functionally healthy toxicity free relationship💫🤠

-You two do tend to rival each other a lot too. Since you’re both complete equals on all levels, it’s always uncertain on who will win when you two wrestle, or even when you do take the exams. It also gives you both motivation to work harder.

-With this combined power You and Kirishima possess, you sort of become the parents of class 1-A. Helping keep students motivated n stuff. Even Tenya Iida has trouble contesting your guys’ authority over the class. 

Relationship Theme Song:  Trip by Ella Mai including Duan Yi, Sunflower by Rex Orange County

~~

Ashido Mina

Opposites attract

-Ok I’m sorry if this isn’t you but if you like Mina then you’re likely to be her opposite. I’m talking quiet kid, more on the masculine side/Tomboy-ish, you’re probably like a fucking emo (Don’t worry tho I like Mina too 😌)

-Fr though you two are fashion icons, the most aesthetic couple either.

-Mina likes to drag you to all her little social events, and although they can be tiring, being with her helped you come out of your shell a lot.

-tbh because Mina is so friendly and lowkey touchy with everyone no one even thought y’all were a couple. Like you guys didn’t really act that different to before your were a couple because she would always flirt with you before hand too.

-Best thing is you guys don’t even tell people you’re a couple now. So they get such a shock when you two start joking about kissing and then actually kiss. You two did this to Denki one time and he just short circuited. Though you have a suspicion it was more because he was turned on than from being shocked.

-Also y’all lowkey freaky as hell. Freaky as fuck. Mina brings out a different side to you ;)

Relationship Theme Song: Pretty girl by Clairo, Say So by Doja Cat 

~~~

Ayo take a shot every time I used the word ‘ Y’all ‘

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[letterstomilen]

i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ. 

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

 Childe

12:35

ur a horrible influence on tonia

 Childe

12:35

and whos this ZHONGLI

 Childe

12:35

also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os

 Twin 1

12:37

a normal person would say hi

 Twin 1

12:37

also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school

 Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?

 Childe

12:38

thats not very convincing

 Childe

12:38

also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares

 Twin 1

12:39

isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12

 Childe

12:42

thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”

 Twin 1

12:42

well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk

 Childe

12:42

whats asmr

 Childe

12:43

asking for my sister btw

 Twin 1

12:44

A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

 Childe

12:45

wtf?

 Twin 1

12:45

people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????

 Childe

12:45

idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos

 Twin 1

12:47

… makes sense

 Twin 1

12:47

check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type

 Childe

12:48

i thought we were talking about my sister????

 Twin 1

12:50

[message screenshots.jpg]

 Twin 1

12:50

ya she told me everything

 Twin 1

12:50

have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA

 Childe

12:51

hope he does it

He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)

It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)

When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.

The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week.  He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.

Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.

Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.

“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”

Holy shit.

For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)

His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.

Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”

This time is different though.

Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.

And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.

The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)

Oh God — oh fuck.

“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)

“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)

“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”

“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”

“Huh?”

The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?

“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.

“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.

“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”

“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”

“Yeah.”

Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.

Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.

[dekusbrokenarms]

Class 1-A Gender and Sexuality Journey Headcanons

This is mostly just me really liking messy self discovery because I am a messy bitch.

Kyoka Jirou

First off, Kyoka is a trans girl. She socially transitioned when she was really young and began medically transitioning in high school bc her parents are super supportive and great (we stan a supportive parent)

She first thinks she's bi when she's 14 and comes out as such at 15

She dates Kaminari for a while second year and after they break up she's pretty certain she's a lesbian

After high school, she has a couple years where gender is kinda nebulus. For a while thinks she's a nonbinary lesbian but then decides she's just GNC and punk but definitely full girl

She gets more comfortable in her gender after that, but starts questioning her sexuality again

And ends up back at bisexual, but like not attracted to dudes. Girls and nonbinary people only please

Also she and Momo reconnect in their mid twenties and hit it off and get married

Denki Kaminari

Denki is completely comfortable calling himself straight up until he's 17

But don't get it twisted, he definitely was already acutely aware he was into dudes

Because wow boys are pretty

But he also just kind of ignores it because OMFG GIRLS

But after his other friends start coming out, he gets more comfortable thinking about his sexuality but doesn't bother labelling it

Specifically he doesn't want to label it because he gets comfortable with it after her starts dating Kyoka and doesn't want anyone thinking he's calling himself not-straight for dating her

But a couple months after he breaks up with Kyoka, he starts fooling around with Hitoshi and like really he's at the point of no return so he just slaps the bi label on himself and goes about his day

Towards the end of third year, he starts playing around with GNC and really vibes with the genderqueer label, but still uses he pronouns because he's used to them

He and Hitoshi break up after graduation and Denki really throws himself into exploring his gender and sexuality

And starts using he and they pronouns and typically dresses on the masculine side of androgynous but with lots of cool makeup

He gives polyamory a shot, but he keeps finding himself feeling like he's third wheeling other people's relationships and decides its not for them

In their late twenties, he and Hitoshi hook up at a reunion party and hit it off. They keep things casual for several months before suddenly they decide to move in together and in a blink of an eye, they're in a legit committed relationship without knowing how it got there but it feels right to them.

Eijirou Kirishima

No flavor for this one. He figured out he was gay when he was 12 and it stuck. His moms are lesbians and support him wholeheartedly.

Katsuki Bakugou

I think Bakugou also grew up with queer people in his life so he was never really in the closet

He was pretty certain he was asexual and aromantic until Kirishima weedled his way into his heart

At 17, he decides that he's probably demi-pansexual and demiromantic but that feels like too much so he just says queer.

This boy knows all the words though. Keeps very up to date with the local and global state of queer communities but doesn't talk about it unless prompted or provoked

At first he was very private about his relationship with Kirishima because it was no one's fucking business but after seeing the rampant homophobia in the hero business, he became very loud and very proud of his boyfriend very fast

Eijirou and Katsuki probably got married at, like, 21 and did not give one shit when people pointed out they were young. And they're together for the rest of their lives so those fuckers can suck it

Mina Ashido

Mina is your classic bisexual disaster and spends her teens and early twenties going between calling herself straight, bi, and a lebsian depending on who she's currently into because this bitch has zero object permanence

She chills out in her twenties though and is comfortable calling herself bisexual at long last

Hanta Sero

Sero is pretty comfortable being straight right up until all his friends come out

He spends a couple months questioning his sexuality before knowing for certain he's straight

But he's that one straight dude that always ends up dating bi and pan girls by complete happenstance

Hitoshi Shinsou

He really does not know what his sexuality is

Sometimes its yes

Sometimes its no

He says queer because he can't be assed to look into any of the microlabels

He just knows he's not straight and that's good enough for him

Momo Yaoyorozu

This girl is a lesbian but trying to convince herself of that was A PROCESS

She denies it for years and years

Its not until after graduation she thinks, but doesn't dare say, she's bi because she tells herself she's "mostly into guys anyway" so "it doesn't really count"

Slowly her percentage shifts away from guys and to girls

She's 23 before she accepts she's a lesbian

But she doesn't come out until she's 28 because she's scared since her parents expect her to end up with a man

Ochako Uraraka

This girl is mostly into guys. Like she's pretty sure she's straight because all the crushes she had so far have been on boys

When she's 18, she starts to suspect she might like girls too but is really too shy to explore that feeling at first

But when she does? Oh boy she will not stop talking about how wonderful and perfect girls are and how unfortunate her attraction to men is because she feels insecure in her validity as a bisexual woman with a preference for men

Tsuyu Asui

Tsuyu has known she's a lesbian since she was 15 and was very comfortable with that

She questioned if she might be bi a time or two but always came back to being gay

She does realize she's an ace lesbian at 18 though but she's also okay with that

Her goals in life are to own a house by a lake with a beautiful wife

Tenya Iida

Tenya is pansexual

Literally he just cannot see why gender would be a factor in choosing a potential partner

He never came out because he was 20 before he realized that this was not the default state and others weren't just being picky by having a different sexuality

And by then, every knew because he made no attempts to hide his partners

He was really stressed at first about it, and asked Tensei why no one ever told him he should be more careful with publicly showing his sexuality but Tensei was just like "we just thought you knew what you were doing, dude. And it looks like it worked out"

Izuku Midoroya

Again, Izuku is too swept up in "nghh girls pretty" to think too much about his sexuality when he's younger

When he gets a crush on Shouto, he doesn't recognize it as a crush at first because it felt so natural and comfortable and he was used to being uncomfortable around people he liked

So he has a crush on Shouto for years before it hits him: Oh I'm not straight

He stays in that nebulous not-straight state for months because he does not have time to deal with that

But once he stops procrastinating his sexuality, he cannot decide if he's bisexual or pansexual or polysexual and he gets super wrapped up in researching microlabels and its super overwhelming

He even questions his gender for a little bit but settles on he's a cis man pretty quickly

He does eventually start dating Shouto and just calls himself gay for a while because it's easier than trying to piece together ten microlabels like he's tempted to do

However after Shouto begins exploring his gender identity, Izuku gets more comfortable just calling himself pan because he realizes that gender never really played a part in who he likes.

Shouto Todoroki

He came out as gay at 14 to piss off his father depsite the fact he didn't actually have any feelings about his sexuality at the time

No he decided he didn't care what his sexuality was. He was gonna be gay.

And he forgot he did that until he was 17 and was like, oh- I should probably figure out my actual sexuality, after being questioned due to his close relationship with Izuku

So he thought about it for about 15 seconds to say, well, I do like Izuku so I'll just be actually gay now

That stuck until after graduation and into his twenties when he started questioning his gender

He figured out he wasn't particularly attached to masculinity or femininity and found comfort in the agender label

They started using gender neutral pronouns and grew their hair out long but that's really all that changed

They came back to their sexuality after that and decided it was just "men"

Izuku tried to be helpful and offered terms like androsexual, but Shouto didn't find them very useful so they like to tell people their gender is no and their sexuality is dude

It gets the point across

Yuga Aoyoma

Okay, so we all know he’s gay

But despite how flamboyant he is, this boy is a closet case

He definitely had a crush on Izuku first year, but he couldn’t handle that yet so he definitely lived vicariously through Ochako’s crush on him

I don’t think he came out until after high school

And zero people were surprised

He probably does drag too

And he’d look fabulous doing so

Kouji Koda

I think Kouji is ace 

I don’t think this is a word he had for himself until he was in his mid twenties

He just assumed he was a late bloomer and he’d been told he just had a low self esteem

But he finds the ace community and suddenly everything makes sense and he feels comfortable in his own skin

Once that falls into place, he discovers he’s also aromantic

He ends up having a platonic life partner and they have lots of pets and plants together

Fumikage Tokoyami

Fumikage figured out he’s bisexual when interning under Hawks. Like fuck, he had the most embarrassing crush on this guy who’s aesthetic is so embarrassing

I don’t think he had much trouble accepting that he’s attracted to guys though

Like a demon lives in his head

He’s mostly suffering because he has a crush on his cheerful, friendly mentor

Dark Shadow is very happy about this development because it’s a chance to embarrass him and make him uncomfortable

Fumikage gets renewed interest in being able to control Dark Shadow to shut his whore mouth

Unfortunately Dark Shadows outs him to his mentor

Fortunately Hawks is really cool about it and tells DS to have some chill and doesn’t give Fumikage a hard time about it, but Fumikage doesn’t get invited back for another internship with him and finds himself assigned to do work with sidekicks afterwards

Mezou Shouji

Mezou doesn’t fuck with gender

It’s not that he necessarily feels disconnected from his masculinity but rather that he just feels like gender is archaic and useless

So he’s pan and bigender (male and agender)

Definitely would make jokes about be attracted to frying pans and this is how he comes out to Fumikage in their third year. 

Rikidou Sato

Rikidou doesn’t really date in high school

Soon after graduation he ends up in a relationship with a girl that lasts five years before he realizes he’s gay

One time someone tells him he should have known sooner since he likes baking so much and he punches them in the face (I like to imagine this person was Mineta for face punching purposes)

He ends up good pals with the woman he was dating and she’s his maid of honor at his wedding :’)

Tooru Hagakure, and Mashirao Ojiro

I’m sorry if one of them is your fave. They’re both straight and cis and have never questioned it even once. 

[ateezmakemeweep]

do you do reactions? 🥺 i was wondering if you could do a reaction of the boys when you’re a whole “stay 6 feet away” person bc of corona and when they try to kiss you, you like push them away and place a ruler between you and them? LMAOAOA ITS SO WEIRD BUT I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT THIS 😔 okay thank you love, stay safe and hope you’re doing well!

LMAO i never thought about doing them but i can def try! don’t come for me if they’re stupid or bad aha <3

❥ kim hongjoong

you didn’t think you’d have any problems with hongjoong since it had taken you a good few days to convince him to see you in the first place. “we’ll wear our masks and stay six feet apart,” you told him, “you weren’t even sick so i don’t know why you think you’re gonna give it to me.”

but the boy couldn’t help but worry, knowing he’s around a lot more people than you and traveled quite a bit during this outbreak. and if he got you sick, he’d never forgive himself. but he also wouldn’t forgive himself if he hurt your feelings by not coming, hence why you two were currently standing outside your home a few feet apart.

“see,” you told him, eyebrows raising playfully as a smirk crosses your face. “it’s fine!”

and it was fine, he sees that now, so when he walked forward with a determined look in his eye, he had fully expected you to accept his kiss and allow your mouths to crash just a little.

but then your eyes widen and you pull your mask up, holding your hands out right in front of you to push him away. “hongjoong!”

“what, it’s fine you said! so why can’t we kiss?”

❥ park seonghwa

you were happy that you and seonghwa had been on the same page about social distancing and what not, the both of you seeing the importance in protecting yourselves and taking all the proper precautions. 

which is why you were incredibly surprised that when you went to visit seonghwa, he had gone right up to you and tried to kiss you.

“hwa, what are you doing?” you asked him, backing away from him ever so slightly. “i don’t have my mask on.”

“well yeah, it’d be kind of hard to kiss you if you did.” 

and you never thought you’d have the strength to actually pull away from him as your lips were about to touch, taking the ruler from your back pocket and smacking him lightly in the stomach.

“where the-where did you get that?”

you place the ruler between you both before eyeballing the rest of the distance. “i knew i would need extra protection. we can’t do that!” 

“y/n….” he said, his tone low and commanding like every other time you give him trouble. and usually it works, falling victim straight away to his deep voice and soft, narrowed eyes. but this is different, you try to convince yourself, this is way more serious and you can’t give in. 

“seonghwa, we can’t,” you whine again.

a sigh leaves his mouth before he reluctantly agrees, your lips quirking up into a smile as your face brightens; you think this is the first time you’ve ever called the shots with your boyfriend. 

your bright smile makes him groan, mumbling that you shouldn’t look that pretty and happy about being able to kiss. 

❥ jeong yunho

he was always a sweet, understanding boy in every sense of the word. even when you guys were at your separate homes, he made sure be in constant contact with you whether it be through text, facetime, or calling, because he knew you were slightly anxious about getting sick and being quarantined.

however, when you finally did agree for you guys to hang out, he came rushing over with his mask and gloves up to his elbows causing you to giggle in the doorway. 

“is this okay?” he asked, “i was- i was gonna get a suit too but-“

your giggle turned into loud laughs, shaking your head as you insisted a suit would’ve been too much. so maybe that’s what made him think it was okay to break the six feet apart rule and lean down for a kiss. 

but then you gasped and covered your mouth with your dry, raw hands. 

“yunho!” you whined. 

“what?” he pouted, “i’m not sick, baby, i promise.”

but then the blank stare you gave him made him sigh, the pout on his lips making you frown as well; it’s not like you didn’t wanna kiss him, of course you did, but you were just too scared. 

and once you told him that, he ended up settling for you blowing him a kiss, insisting you do it for the remainder of your time together that day. 

❥ kang yeosang

yeosang couldn’t help but burst out laughing when he saw you come out of your car. it wasn’t because the mask somehow managed to look cute on you or the fact that your hands were covered in the smallest size gloves he’d ever seen. 

it was because the last thing he expected was for you to be wielding a ruler. 

“y/n, what the fuck is that?”

“six feet apart!” you sang melodically, spacing out approximately six feet “and if you try to break that, it works as a weapon too.”

he brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose, squeezing it as he looks over you. he had known you were freaked out about everything and he understood the gloves and mask. but now you had brought something with the sole purpose of beating him when he very much so was gonna try to sneak in a kiss.

“so you’re saying one, tiny, quick kiss is off the table?”

“absolutely!” you squeal, “are you nuts!”

“but y/n, what about just…”

any and every ridiculous rationalization the boy came up with, you shot down with ease. no matter how many times he groaned and whined to you, even after he resorted to trying to be cute, you were able to resist. 

but he also never tried to come towards you on his own, so you suppose the ruler had done its job.

❥ choi san

if you had thought he was whiney and needy before this, you were sadly mistaken. because even with the constant contact and video calls, he would still softly mumble how much he missed seeing you. 

“i miss you, too,” you said, your pout matching his. “maybe…you can over tomorrow. we can hang out and go for a walk or something.”

and that proved very hard for the boy. because he kept reaching out for your hand on the sidewalk, kept trying to pull you into him and kiss you despite the mask covering your face.

“san,” you whined, looking at him apologetically before putting a few feet between you. “i want too, please don’t think i don’t,” you tell him. 

because you don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like you’re using this as an excuse not to touch him.  but you’re scared and cautious and doing it honestly more for his sake than yours. 

“i can’t wait for this to be over,” he sighs, his eyes going from your lips to your hand to your eyes. 

and you think if you hold his hand, your arms awkwardly stretched out to put some distance between you, that won’t too dangerous. 

❥ song mingi

the first thing you see stepping out your car is mingi’s tall, lanky frame waving at you. and it’s within those two-seconds, you realize not kissing him is gonna be some of the hardest shit you’ve ever had to do. 

because it’s not like he’s making it any easier.

any time you take one step back, he takes one step closer. he gives you a wide, cute smile and says he just wants to hug and kiss you for less than a minute.

“that’s a long time, mingi,” you told him. but he only shrugs his shoulder, promising you over and over again everything will be fine. but you’re standing your ground, covering your eyes when he tries everything in the book: cute, seductive, whiney, pouting. 

and usually his duality is able to pay off, one of the tactics having you melt right into his hand and do anything he wants. so he’s surprised when nothing seems to be working, almost getting the idea to use his size against you and drag you into his arms. 

and you see the exact moment that thought crosses his mind, reaching in your bag and wiping out the ruler you knew you were gonna need for this annoyingly handsome man. 

❥ jung wooyoung

“what is that even gonna do? that’s only a foot.”

“okay, so picture five more of those and stand over there.”

“babe….” he whined, looking you over in your mask and gloves while holding a ruler pointed threateningly toward him; this had been going on since he arrived 20 minutes ago.

“wooyoung, i’m serious! go!” you flail the piece of rubber in his face, the boy half-tempted to take it out of your hand and throw it in the street.

he knew you were anxious and scared and taking extra precautions to not get sick. but he hadn’t left his home in weeks either and has been taking the same amount of precautions: so, really, what was one kiss gonna do?

“so i can’t come in the house?” he whined, taking a few steps back so you can at least put the ruler down. “you’re the one who asked me to come over!”

“because i wanted to see you,” you tell him, pout behind your mask. “i didn’t say anything about kissing.”

“i figured that was a given,” he mumbled, the scoff leaving your mouth causing him to chuckle. he looks you over once more, standing there with a mask on your face while his hangs below his mouth. 

“if i’m six feet away, will you at least take off your mask?” he bargains, “i wanna see your face.”

“deal.”

and the sneaky fuck he is, the second you take it off he attempts to charge towards you; so, naturally, you throw the ruler at him and smile triumphantly when it hits him right in the chest.

❥ choi jongho

you figured given his age that the boy wouldn’t really be taking this seriously, maybe even make fun of you for being so cautious with your mask and gloves and strict schedule of not leaving the house. 

but he was extremely understanding, even learned from you and only asked to hang out when you told him you were sick of being in the house and wanted to start going on walks. 

the first few were great, six-feet apart as you walked through the streets talking and laughing about how you both had watched every single show on netflix. but then they more you laughed and had fun and the more he saw you smile, the more he wanted to touch you. 

he missed hugging you and feeling your lips against his and smiling into the kiss when you poked at his side teasingly. he also knew it was a risk to try it, just looking at you with a longing expression before leaning in ever so slightly. 

 and you’d almost forgotten about everything until you remembered this is not allowed and you jumped away from him.

“hey! that wasn’t fair!” you whined. he only smirked at you knowingly, a small frown on his face before he covers his mouth with his mask. 

“it was just gonna be for a second,” he mumbled, smiling when you break the six-feet apart rule to smack him in the arm playfully. 

[hwangdol]

l.jn: just shoot your shot

summary: can jeno just be confident in himself? pls? pretty pls? 

pairing: student-athlete!jeno x tutor! (fem) reader

warning: PROCEED WITH CAUTION! GRAMMAR MISTAKES! AND CRACKHEADS! ALSO CURSING! i’m back and i’m not dead so here’s some athlete!jeno that everyone was looking forward too. just a reminder, this is apart of my collab with @huangsren so check out her art-hoe! renjun and childhood-friend! chenle in our dreamies highschool au. i’m not really satisfied with this piece compared to my other two. hopefully, this still slaps. also, there will be for sure a second part to this so yuh. enjoy. 

okay so let’s get this straight lee jeno is THAT guy whose in like all of the sports teams on campus 

basketball, baseball, football, soccer, track and field, cross country, pickleball, etc he’s on them all 

he was deadass about to join the cheerleading team just so he could have the clout of being on all of the teams 

ngl imagine a cheerleader!jeno,,,hell yeah that’s my shit

but he didn’t bc he isn’t as big of a crackhead as one like to think

jeno has the reputation of the silent cold guy, but in actuality is a big FLOOF ball especially with his close friends (aka jaemin) 

he’s well-liked by everyone bc he’s hecka nice once they look pass that cold exterior and he’s realllly hot.

just picture sweaty!jeno after practice using his shirt to wipe off his sweat allowing everyone to have a glimpse of his abs. 

sign me the fuck up

he’s just extremely shy and socially awkward so he doesn’t really know how to interact w people when he meets them for the first time so a lot of people just think he’s that distant, angsty type 

it still shocks a shit ton of people when they find out he’s best friends with the social butterfly/ fboi! jaemin but don’t get him wrong bc he doesn’t go around town breaking hearts left and right like his best buddy does

as much as jeno likes to deny it, he is a ROMANTICIST

way back in freshmen year, jeno was captivated by a teenage romance which he blames ara (from fucq-boi! jaemin au) for roping him into all those barbies and chick-flick movies. 

like his heart flutters at the idea of his significant other wearing his jersey to his games or sharing a milkshake at the local ice cream parlor,,,he wants to give them his hoodie and cuddle on the couch (hopefully watching barbie princess charm school) 

BABY BOY JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED ! 

but he doesn’t want it to be superficial like what jaemin does 

he highly disapproves of jaemin’s casanova ways

jaemin is probably really glad about the bros before hoes rule bc he would have lost jeno a long time ago with all of the girls he goes through 

jeno knows that love is a delicate thing and should be treated seriously which is why he’s so against jaemin’s date and ditch 

and jeno wants to be in a relationship! but he can’t bc he has like NO time for the lovey-dovey highschool bs (also bc he’s highkey scared that he might ruin any relationship he gets himself into)  

the boy has back to back practice from all the sports he decided to take on

on multiple occasions, different practice times interfere with each other and instead of just missing one like he SHOULD, jeno decided to take em both on at the same time

catch him sprinting from the soccer field to the football field back and forth in between break times

one time, basketball and swimming practice collided w each other so jeno thought it was smart to go back and forth from the school’s pool to the gym after he’d finish a 1000M IM set and shot at least 15 3-pointers 

let’s just say he flashed a lot of people, running half-naked with only his drag suit on when he forgot to put on his sweatpants in one of his runs back and forth

art-hoe! renjun never lets him live it down much to his embarrassment 

“remember that one-time jeno displayed his junk to the whole student body? good times, good times” 

cue jeno throwing a pencil at renjun or chasing him down the halls 

jeno’s abs were the talk of the school for at least a whole month and our boi had red cheeks every time he heard someone talk about it 

because of that jeno double-checks, quadruple-checks to make sure that his pants are on before booking it to the gym to shoot hoops 

ALSO 

another reason why a lot of people find jeno so intimidating and hard to approach was bc of the fight that happened between his ex-friend! stoner-boi!haechan sophomore year

no one expected that the calm, seemingly unbothered jeno could throw punches that hard. it was like he transformed into the hulk or something 

except jeno didn’t like the new reputation he gained over a stupid fight with his once close friend. 

there’s one nasty habit that jeno can’t seem to let go of no matter how much jaemin and renjun tell him to fix

the boy holds onto grudges like there’s no tomorrow

there was one time where jaemin had to borrow jeno’s phone for something and he accidentally dropped it

“hey can i borrow your phone to call someone? mine’s dead.” jaemin asked him.

“no, last time i gave it to you, you cracked it” 

“dude! it was one time” 

“say that to my cracked screen” 

“for goodness sake, jeno, i only cracked your screen protector!” 

“still you broke it”

yeah, jaemin never got to use jeno’s phone ever again. 

someone didn’t give back the pencil he lent them? he doesn’t even look in their direction until jaemin nags him enough to just let it go 

which is probably why he and haechan still vehemently hate each other even though renjun and jaemin are ready to go talk things out with haechan 

some part deep down insides knows he should just let it go and actually talk things out with haechan on why he initiated the fight bc haechan was once someone jeno considered as a bro 

and jeno doesn’t give out bro passes as easily 

he just doesn’t know how to approach haechan or if haechan would even be willing to talk it through 

it’s kinda sad how the two of them don’t even look each other in the eye or acknowledged each other existence anymore 

other than that jeno is practically flawless, jk 

as much as he is very enthusiastic in physical education, when it comes to math, science, etc, jeno is basically flunking. like borderline passing in all of his classes 

he was for sure failing math though which is a HUGE problem…bc to stay on any team sport, he CAN’T be failing a class 

which is why jeno was currently spending his free period, in the library, furiously erasing his wrong answer for the problem he tried multiple times to solve. it was the first math problem on the remedial work packet that his math teacher gave him for extra practice. 

even his friend, smartass renjun gave up on helping him and went to go toy around with his telescope, going on a tangent about renjun’s alien conspiracies theories.

if only jeno could have renjun’s genius brain, life would be so much easier

slamming his head on the table, jeno let out a low groan of frustration at whoever decided that it was a good idea to mix number and letters together.  

“dude, can you not?” he heard someone say from next to him. 

he lifted his head to take a peek…and this is where you come in, glaring at him with murder on your mind 

jeno’s just staring at you and the fool does not recognize you at all 

NCT High isn’t a big place either so he would have come across you once or twice, but you were simply a new face to him. 

you, at this point, grew annoyed at the boy who was just shameless staring at you. 

“is there something on my face?” you asked with a raised eyebrow 

slowly he shakes his head ‘no’ 

“keep it down, i’m trying to sleep” you warned him before laying your arms now with your head resting on it, faced away from jeno. 

jeno, who was awe-struck for second at your frank personality, decided that it was time to have another go at the problem and looked at it again

yeah there was no way in hell he was going to be able to solve it, he was too fucking lost 

atm jeno is like .000000001 seconds away from having a mental breakdown because if he doesn’t pass his test this friday he’s going to be benched and if he fails the class then he loses his status of team captain and his spot on the soccer team which he cannot afford to bc it was SENIOR year and he should be living in all of his sports glory right now 

and what if he can’t graduate? he can’t be a super senior like lucas wong like nooo that can definitely not happen

literally, jeno, stop freaking out - sincerely admin minnie

suddenly while he was having an overthinking session, his paper and pencil were taken away from him. he watches as the culprit (you) quickly solve the problems on the piece of paper in record time with wide eyes

letting out a small huff, you gave him back the paper wordlessly before going back to your previous sleeping positions hoping to get back to your precious nap time. your actions leaving jeno’s mouth opened in awe as his eyes glances back and forth between the answer sheets and the ones you provided him, both matching up perfectly with no mistake 

he looks back at your sleeping form and wonders if you’re an actual prodigy like renjun 

but jeno also feels really bad for disturbing your nap so he lets you be and tries to quietly work on the other problems and review how you solved the ones he had trouble on earlier 

except he’s even more confused bc there was more numbers and letters;; no comprendo 

jeno’s brain: ajadkf;dskjhg;ajdsvf;

he contemplates ask you for help or a basic explanation since there was no way that jeno learned how to solve that in class (he did, he just slept through the lecture because he was dead-beat tired after a heavy soccer practice from the night before) 

jeno’s fear of flunking overweighed his social awkwardness so he pokes you gently with his pencil eliciting a grumpy “what do you want, now?” from you

gulping, jeno mumbles a small “can you help me, i don’t understand how you solved this” 

you looked intently at jeno not answering his questions causing the boy to instantly regret asking, but surprisingly you replied 

“what don’t you get?” you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes and shifted towards the male 

“i don’t even know what i don’t know”

i felt that jeno. i felt that. 

he pulls the piece of paper between the two of you and points to a problem that you did with ease 

“oh, so you’re so supposed to…” you launched off into an explanation filled with math terms that adds more to jeno’s confusion 

sensing that jeno still wasn’t understanding, you let out a big sigh 

“sorry, it just doesn’t make sense in my head” jeno admitted shyly

at first, you were gonna say something snappy about how even an eighth-grader could do this problem easily, you held it back because you actually felt bad since jeno was trying so hard

you also weren’t going to deny that lw jeno looked quite cute with that adorable slight pout on his face 

“let’s just take it slow, i’ll explain step by step” 

so you did just that, patiently teaching the methods and theorems to jeno who constantly made that confused noise every time you introduced something new to the table

the two of you worked through five of the worksheets and jeno was actually understanding it! horray! 

you were explaining the last problem to jeno when he stops you with a question that was completely off-topic 

“why are you helping me?” 

it was simple question so you answered it simply. 

“because you looked like you need it.” you shrugged “i was trying to take a nap earlier but it was too loud for me with your constant erasing” 

“sorry” jeno said looking down at his lap, embarrassed that he was a nuisance to you  

you kind felt bad ngl so you quickly reassured him 

“don’t worry about it. you remind me of my idiotic friends, not that you’re an idiot though. actually, no comment.” 

we love a blunt y/n. 

you clicked the pen you were holding and placed it down, “i moved here a couple months ago so i barely know anyone. now that it’s senior year, everyone already has their own friend group so why bother trying to join them?” 

jeno makes another confused noised at your blunt statement. 

you wondered if that particular noise has some type of effect on you due to the fact that you have a sudden urge to explain your situation to the boy you hardly knew for more than the hour

“i used to go to miroh high, but my dad got a transfer here so he decided to enroll me at this school without my say. i left all my friends back there sadly” 

“that sucks,” was all that jeno could say.

damn his inability to socialize like a normal human being. 

you nodded, “yeah, it does, but it’s not that bad. my friends make an effort to come down here most weekend and sometimes i drive up there too.” you turn to look at him and jeno freezes at the sudden eye contact “actually, you remind me of my friend hyunjin. he was kind of a ditz in anything that wasn’t sports” 

“wait, how do you know that i play sports?” jeno asked confused 

“dude, everyone knows that you’re the school’s mvp.” you said as if it’s obvious “you’re not as intimidating as they say you are though.” 

damn it 

he was hoping you had no idea who he was so that could relieve his guilt of not knowing who you were despite being in the same graduating class.

at the same time, he was glad that he seemed to have made a good impression on you  

“don’t worry, i won’t spill your little secret” you gestured to the worksheets which had red pen markings all over it, signs of jeno’s failures. you figured that the school’s star jock didn’t want the school knowing his inability to solve basic 12th-grade math problem 

you reached under the table to grab your backpack, causing jeno to reach a hand out to grasp your wrist 

“wait, where are you going?”

 a part of him was afraid that he was going to forget everything you taught him once you left, but the other part was extremely curious about you and wanted to know more

“i have somewhere to go?” you looked down at his hand and back up at him “you have something else you want to say?” 

sensing that his grip was making you feel uncomfortable, he quickly pulled his hand away. rubbing the back of his neck. he avoids your eyes, opting to stare at your feet instead. 

“this might be a little weird, but can you please tutor me? at least until next week when i have to take my make-or-break test.” jeno plead, embarrassment rushed to his cheeks in the form of a red blush when he realized how desperate he sounded. 

you let out a tiny giggle, totally different from your persona earlier. 

you took his pencil that was laying on the table to scribble something on the corner of his worksheet. patting his shoulder, you quickly left the boy staring at the piece of paper. 

don’t get confused (127) 312-0325 :)

a stupid smile made it’s way onto jeno’s lips as he quickly packed up his things in haste. he practically skips to soccer practice. maybe he even heel-clicked.  

lee jeno is not failing math! 

cute tutor acquired! 

woohoo! 

but also, there’s this weird tingly feeling that jeno has inside. 

he doesn’t know what exactly it was but most likely it’s probably the reason why he was a goofy-ass smile on his face 

“dude, are you okay?” one of his teammates ask after he gets hits in the head with a soccer ball 

jeno, not even fazed by it one bit, just smiles and gives his teammates a big thumbs up 

“coach, i think there’s something wrong with jeno!” 

anyways, that night he’s extremely excited to text you. 

imagine jeno on his bed, laying on his stomach feet up in the air, taking at least an hour to construct a response that doesn’t make him seem lame or a fifty-year-old man like all of his friends say he texts like 

jeno is probably the type of person that texts, with all the correct capitalization and actual punction plus awkward spacing and usage of emojis 

this time he tried to be chill about it

jeno: hey, it’s me, jeno. sorry for bothering you this late at night, but i don’t understand this problem. can you help me pls? 

sent. 

now jeno was currently awaiting your response….however, you don’t reply right away like jeno for some reason expects

he takes the waiting time to scroll through his social media and it’s the usual things he sees every day 

he sees the juniors’ chenle and his weird little friend talking about some sort of prank they’re going to pull, jaemin’s spam post on how he was stuck making prom decorations to fulfill his community service requirements, etc 

however, a sudden post from @/luccasss caught his attention

especially the girl sitting on top of an old blue car with the senior, middle fingers up  

his eyes glance at the caption quickly 

me and my main bitch fucking it up (pc to our little kiddo) 

wait a minute. 

jeno could remember you saying how you didn’t bother making friends w anyone, so what are you doing with the lucas wong? 

now lucas wong doesn’t have that great of a reputation around campus, especially since he was a held back his senior year. he blows off class and jeno has heard that he’s in cahoots with the stoners on campus too 

your account is tagged in the picture and luckily it’s on public, so jeno could secretly and shamefully stalk your page

while looking through your photos, jeno realizes that he really doesn’t know anything about…. you 

tbh he didn’t even know your name until he saw your bio and username. (facepalm @ jeno)

scrolling through your photos, he saw you posing with other boys and girls that he didn’t recognize making him assume that they were your friends from your old school 

his fingers land on a picture where you’re kissing a cheek of ridiculously good looking guy. checking the tag, he sees that it’s a guy whose username was something along the lines of cb_97

imma miss my ddy chan <3!! owo 

as he scrolling through the chan guy’s instagram, jeno becomes more dejected bc maybe he was too deep in his imagination that he got from watching too many dramas with ara 

letting out a sad sigh, jeno clicks his phone off and settles into bed. the more he thinks about it the more he feels insignificant to you which he was. 

for all he knows, he’s just a random kid in the library that you helped with a few math problems 

the next day, jeno walks into school with no pep in his step :( 

and as his certified besties, jaemin and renjun drag him into an empty classroom during lunch prying him to confess what’s got him down in the dumps 

and jeno knows he can’t hide anything from his besties so he just lets it all out 

jaemin, taking a long blink after his bff’s rant to process the newly acquired tea  “wow, bro. you got the feels” 

“exactly,” jeno groans “i only talked to her once! she doesn’t even know me!” 

“she knows you suck at math,” renjun points out 

and jeno threatens to throw a chair at his friend, but jaemin quickly stops him 

“okay, how about you just take it slow? like get to know her and let her get to know you. it could be that you’re just overthinking her kindness for helping you when you were desperate. appreciation is different from admiration” ngl jaemin was kinda-sorta right 

“btw, who is this chick anyway? you haven’t told us who it was” renjun asked, sitting on one of the empty desks  

“y/n, she transferred a couple months ago from miroh” 

renjun abruptly jumps to his feet, “the y/n l/n? the new math teacher’ daughter?” 

“you know her?” jeno quirks an eyebrow 

“dude she’s in my ap calculus class and she has the highest grade, but she never shows up to class,” renjun tells him. “she’s a straight, badass genius” 

jeno feels stupider as renjun continues to list all of your achievements and the art boy makes it seem like all of them were done effortlessly. 

how stupid was he in your eyes when he couldn’t solve regular senior math problems while you were out here solving college-based ones?

now you seem like a person farther and father away from him.

jaemin, his good-ol-buddy knows that jeno is over-analyzing the new information renjun was telling him, and he tries his best to hype is buddy up

“c’mon, you might not be a genius at math but you certainly are on any field, pool, and court. have some confidence!” 

deep down jeno knows that he should listen to his friend and that he should just be more confident in himself, but he can’t shake his feeling of insecurity and doubt 

so the next time he sees you laying on the empty table in the non-fiction section sleeping, he’s a bit more reluctant to approach you. instead, he quietly sits in the seat next to you as he pulls out his practice sheets to work and miserably fail on

except you don’t wake up for a looong time until jeno accidentally sneezes too loud, causing you to awaken

opening your eyes, you see the boy look at you with wide eyes as if he’s done something terribly wrong by waking you up 

“why do you look like i’m about to kill you or something?” you giggled watching as the boy in front of you became very flustered “why didn’t you wake me up when you came here?”

“oh, you look like you were in deep sleep, so i didn’t want to wake you up” 

you stretched your arms out, one hand over your mouth as you let out an inaudible yawn, “don’t worry about it. i’m always sleeping” 

you blamed all of your fatigue on lucas as it was his fault that you were tired out of your mind from the little night adventure he roped both you and a junior named eun (y/n from childhood-friend!chenle’s au) into. 

honestly, if it weren’t for lucas’s annoying ass laugh waking you up from your nap that one day, you probably wouldn’t have befriended the big bumbling bafoon. 

“yeah, but apparently i’m failing the twelfth-grade again bc i’m not allowed to just go to homeroom and p.e. i mean, who wants to learn about FUNCTIONS when you could just be looking up memes in the library?!?” - lucas wong, 2019

despite lucas’s overwhelming personality, you were quite thankful to have him as he reminded you of your old friends back at miroh, it was nice. 

eun was a soft-spoken child that often had to turn to you or lucas (which wasn’t always a good idea) for advice that you both were happy to give to the underclassmen. 

personally, you didn’t care that you only had like two friends, quality over quantity right? 

“earth to jeno?” you waved your hand in front of his face as he stayed unresponsive 

he mumbles something inaudible and points at a problem 

your eyes gloss over it taking in the problem, before quickly grabbing a pen and solving it. you spoke slowly as you explained the step-by-step solution that jeno had to do. 

when you look back at jeno to make sure that he was understanding the content, you noticed how the jock is off in his own universe and not paying attention to you. 

“please don’t make me repeat that again,” you sigh, catching jeno’s attention. you capped the pen and lightly tossed it on the table, proceeding to stretch out your hands above your head. 

“sorry” 

“what’s up with you?” you asked, wondering why the boy who seemed desperate for your help yesterday, was now acting like he could care less. “and don’t give me that stupid, generic “nothing” bullshit.” 

“sorry, football was tough last night,” jeno said quietly, focusing on the problem. 

despite not being involved in the school festivities, you knew that it was well past football season. and that meant that jeno was lying to you. 

there was a slight pang of disappointment, but you pushed it aside. what were you expecting anyway? he probably only saw you as a tutor. 

you weren’t even his friend for fuck’s sake 

“let’s move onto the next problem” you say, quickly changing the subject. 

honestly, the two of you were fucking idiots. smh 

despite there being awkward tension between the two of you, you’re tutoring was actually very very helpful for jeno. he could actually understand what was going on in math class now. 

remember that test he had to take to ensure that he could play for his soccer match? jeno passed that with flying colors thanks to your careful explanations 

even after that test, the two of you kept your tutoring arrangement;;;and maybe jeno was falling even harder for you. 

he couldn’t help it though! the way you run your fingers through your hair or the way you puff out your cheeks when you’re trying to think of a way to explain something to jeno just makes leaves him star-struck. and every time he gets a problem right without your help, the proud smile that you give him makes his heart leap

it wasn’t like you were safe from the love bug either!! 

lee jeno was hard not to like and he was even harder to not fall for. 

the little cute noises that he makes when he’s lost, the way his eyes go wide when he finally understands the problem, and the eye-smile he gives you when he gets a problem right. 

your heart literally went uwu when jeno offered you his hoodie bc the two of you were sitting underneath the ac vent and you were shivering.

when you tried to give it back to him, he just shook his head and said “keep it, just in case you get cold” 

lee jeno was not healthy for your heart. uwu hours 24/7 

but the two of you were stuck in this weird relationship bc the two of you weren’t exactly friends, but also not strictly tutoring. you would share laughs here and there, but then quickly it would dial down and returned back to the math problems

some times when he was texting you, he would send a cute gif to show you that he understood and sometimes you would tell him about something funny/stupid lucas+eun or your other friends did. 

“just ask him out,” lucas tells you bluntly as the both of you chilled on the bleachers during lunch. 

“hard pass” 

“fine, then i’ll do it.” lucas shrugs, eliciting a hard smack from you 

“don’t embarrass me, you asstwat” 

“who said i was asking him out for you? that boy is a fine piece of meat” 

“istg, lucas, i’ll actually gouge your eyes out” you deadpanned. 

but big ol’ oaf lucas doesn't see you as an actual threat. and he reaches out to grab your cheeks causing your face to form into a fish pout 

“can you even reach me?” he teases, shaking around your face

and this the part where you’re pulling lucas into a headlock, oblivious to the fact that jeno was watching your toughy actions from afar

he kicked the soccer ball angrily into the goal causing jaemin to duck with a small shriek to avoid getting his head decapitated by jeno’s fastball 

“dude wtf!” jaemin shouts 

“sorry,” jeno mutters. 

jaemin looks over to where jeno was staring at and saw you and lucas being really handsy with each other. from that distance that the two boys were looking it, it didn’t look like the roughhousing the two of you were actually doing

you pulling his hair to them looked like you were playing around with it  

jaemin’s buddy jeno be looking like a kicked puppy rn, muttering under his breath about his shortcommings

jaemin is bout ready to slap him upside down the head for having no confidence or whateves

“can you stop talking shit about my bestfriend now?” jaemin @ jeno but the boy is on a whole ass rant on why he sucks in comparison to lucas

“of course she doesn’t like me. she has a whole lucas wong and he’s 6′0 ft of handsomeness. he’s fun and exciting, i’m staler than a moldy piece of bread!” 

can jeno just love himself??????? is that to much to ask? 

“i’ll just never be good enough for her. i’m not her type, she can do better than me.” 

cue jaemin intense internal screaming 

one day, jeno was going to your usual sitting spot in the library when he sees lucas chilling with eun—a girl that he’s seen around with his friend chenle. they were both laughing at something on lucas’s phone. 

jeno looks at the sight confused. cause like aren’t you and lucas a thing? like why was this boy looking really chummy with this underclassmen? 

so jeno clears his throat to catch their attention and both of them look at him like “who tf are you?”

“where’s y/n? she’s suppose to be tutoring me” jeno says 

a look of recognition flashes across lucas’s and eun’s at the sound of y/ns name. the younger female whispers something to the senior causing him to clap his hands. 

“oh so you’re, jeno??” lucas says in this voice

and jeno awkwardly nods

“yeah, y/n is skipping school today so she told me to tell you to look over the notes she wrote out for you” lucas pulled out a notebook and handed it to jeno

jeno flips through it carefully, examining the words you wrote in your familiar handwriting; there was also a highlight code system and little side comments to help him

“thanks” jeno about to leave but lucas’s next comments stop him

“you’re lucky that y/n likes you enough to do that for you. she wouldn’t even tell me whats 4x4 when i asked her” lucas slumped into his seat

“that because she thinks you have chronic stupidity” the underclassmen said, giggling

“aren’t you suppose to be on my side you little pipsqueak” lucas says jokily, rubbing her head. 

and jeno is watching the exchange, getting more and more confused

did y/n know that lucas was hanging out w another girl without you?

“did you need something else, jeno?”  eun asked him

jeno is about to say no, but different words left his mouth

“aren’t you dating y/n, lucas?”

there was a silence that lasted for a good minute, both lucas and the underclassmen giving jeno a blank stare….

until lucas bust out into ugly laughter, bent over his seat delirious and eun was also laughing along but not to the same degree.

was it really that funny? jeno be staying confused

it wasn’t until the librarian came to shush the two did they stop laughing

lucas wiped away tears of laughter from his eyes “that was a good one!”

“what do you mean?” jeno asked

“pffft eun would rather date a rabid animal than me,” lucas said “she’s only friends w me bc i forced her to be”

oh! that was news to jeno

“besides, lucas isn't y/n’s type” eun revealed, shocking jeno

oh really now? 

“yeah, you fit her type really well,” lucas stated nonchalantly. 

eun is like BRUH WHY WOULD YOU REVEAL THAT but doesn’t say anything and kicks lucas underneath the table. she could already picture the pure anger once her friend found out that lucas spilled her secret crush that easily. 

robot jeno is just standing there holding the notebook and deep in thought. 

“is he okay?” lucas whispers, looking up and down at jeno. eun shrugs in response 

bOOM jeno zoom zooms away and the two high schoolers shrug at the jocks before returning to looking at dank memes 

jeno basically charges down to the only female he’s friends with for advice, ara. (go read my fucqboi! jaemin for the backstory!) 

conveniently, he finds both his jaemin and ara standing at her locker talking. tbh it looked more like jaemin trying to flirt with ara and her ignoring him. 

but right now his friend’s girl problems were the least of jeno’s concerns! 

so jeno basically hulk yanks jaemin away from ara and has the most serious expression on his face “i need your help, ara” 

“huh?” 

and he drags ara off to a more secluded place to explain his current situation to, ignoring jaemin’s whines

“to be honest with you, i think you need to have more confidence. now that you know that she isn't interested in lucas, why don’t you just take the initiative to confess?” ara says once jeno explained to her every juicy detail of his hopeless love story. 

“because i don’t think that she likes me. there’s nothing special about me. the only things i’m good at are sports and that’s not very interesting!” jeno exclaims “she probably thinks i’m an actual idiot!” 

“jeno, listen, i’m only going to say this once, but please please understand that you’re a very special person, okay? you’re extremely hard-working, nice, and honestly very fun to be around. it would take a fool to not like you, lee jeno.” ara sighed, patting her friend’s shoulder “just shoot your shot. if it doesn’t make it in, it’s okay.” 

but jeno doesn’t like leaving things to chance. he wants to be sure and he hates uncertainty. 

“when you’re competing or playing against someone, you have no idea how the whole game is going to pan out. all you know to do is to try your best and go all out to ensure the very best result so that you can win. liking someone is like that, you just have to go forward and hopefully, you’ll be able to score a home run or a touchdown.”  

that was sum deep shit 

after listening carefully to ara’s words, jeno came to a conclusion

maybe 

just maybe

jeno will take a chance.  

reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his phone and sends a text. 

jeno: can you meet me at neo ice cream later? i have something important to tell you. 

y/n: yeah ofc. i’ll see you at 4 

he had soccer practice today and for the very first time, jeno was skipping practice, his favorite time. the only time where he’s ever fully confident in his abilities, where his stupid insecurities can’t get to him. 

this was more important the temporary self-gratification that jeno gets when he’s able to fly through practice with ease

lee jeno was taking a leap, unsure of where he’ll fall. 

today, he’ll shoot his shot. and hopefully, you’ll catch. 

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

This year I lost my dear husband, James (QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I’M DEAD)

Putting this on Tumblr too bc it’s a oneshot (~3,000 word?), and I know Tumblr eats links, but if you want it on AO3 the link to my account there is in my blog header. 

It was a perfect day for the Lonely, damp and cold and foggy, and he knew Peter would be doing something interesting now that he was back on land, but he hadn’t thought it would be this.

Elias had expected to find him lurking outside the Institute, looking searchingly at everyone who left until he got some sign of recognition (okay, maybe Elias had fantasized about that a bit, and about coolly ignoring him for a few days before pretending to meet him for the first time, pointedly asking if he was lost). Or, if he felt like doing something sensible, maybe trying to identify the new Head of the Magnus Institute, not that Elias thought his nonexistent research skills and horror of human interaction would get him far there. More likely he’d pretend nothing had changed and simply go about his usual lonely business, waiting for Elias to contact him, too proud in his carefully cultivated self-sufficiency to seek him out at all.

But none of this had happened. Instead, he had scared the new tenant at James Wright’s flat half to death by appearing suddenly in her living room (she was convinced he was a ghost and had come to the Institute to give a statement, hilariously enough), and then, after a few hours of frenzied attempts at figuring out where his husband had gone, he’d finally found his obituary in a newspaper and disappeared into the Lonely to… sulk, or whatever it was he did in there. It took too much effort for Elias to watch him in there, and besides, it was impossible to do without making his presence felt, and he wanted to maintain the element of surprise, so he left him alone.

The next time he was able to find him, Peter was sitting on the still-bare mud of James Wright’s grave with a bottle of whisky, the mists clinging to him like the hands of ghosts.

Huh. Well, that was new.

Pothead filing clerk Elias Bouchard did not have good clothes, and the new Elias was still working on replacing his entire wardrobe with things more suitable for a Head of the Institute, but he could manage. He had his suit, and he’d kept one of James Wright’s long black coats. He flung it over his shoulders at the entrance to the graveyard.

He couldn’t see Peter from here, at least not with his human eyes, and that was all he was using.The fog thickened around Peter. But he Knew where he was, so he started walking. The grass squelched under his shoes when he stepped off the path, and he grimaced, placing his feet carefully to avoid slipping, trying not to get any mud on his shoes.

Slowly, as he walked deeper into the mist, a human figure appeared, slumped against one of the headstones.

He Knew that if he hadn’t had preternatural sight he wouldn’t have been able to find him at all, so it wasn’t surprising that Peter, who would usually hunch himself a bit deeper into the mist and will himself to be unnoticeable, looked up, confused by the intrusion.

Elias made a conscious effort not to Look at him, but only to meet his eyes and give a brief nod. Not a trace of Beholding. Just a man wandering the graveyard, intrigued at finding a drunken sailor sprawled across a fresh grave.

He couldn’t stop himself from staring a bit at the place where Peter’s legs slumped against the wet earth, mud soaking into his trousers. Why would he sit there. Sitting on the wet grass would have been bad enough, but right in the mud, really? And since when did Peter own a black dress shirt? Was he… he was. He was wearing all black. He was wearing all black, crying on James Wright’s grave. He was crying. He’d been almost certain he’d Seen it wrong before. After all, it was a wet day, he’d assumed it was rain. Peter would never let himself enter the real world in such a state. But here he was…?

Peter scrubbed his cheek with a muddy hand and screwed the cap off his bottle, clearing his throat with a distinctly dismissive sound. Elias, disregarding his implicit plea for solitude, walked closer.

“Friend of yours?”

Peter glanced at him briefly, coldly, before tipping the bottle back. Probably cursing himself for not noticing when someone broke through his shroud of mist, for not isolating himself better. But that was just a guess. Elias couldn’t look into his mind; the mist made it a gamble at the best of times and anyways Peter knew what it felt like. He couldn’t give himself away yet. The mystery was so exciting.

“I knew him,” Elias commented, looking at the fresh new headstone, granite shining under a pale coat of water. Peter was leaning against it, obscuring most of the inscription, but he knew what it said.

“Lots of people did,” Peter grunted. “Think I’m the only one who didn’t hear about it when he died.”

Ahaha! Was Peter Lukas lamenting his lack of connection to the rest of humanity? That thing he so carefully cultivated and was so very very proud of. That thing? Hilarious. Or, maybe he was just malingering to feed the Lonely. That was probably it.

“No?” Elias prodded. Peter sighed.

“I was away. No one took the trouble to contact me.”

Had he assumed that one of the more socially-integrated Lukases would have gotten in contact with him if something important happened? Funny. He was pretty sure the Lukases expected Peter to give them updates on Elias, if anything.

“That must have been hard. When did you find out?”

“Yesterday. What do you want?”

Elias considered introducing himself as Head of the Institute. Seeing his reaction would be lovely, but he wanted to drag it out a bit more, see if Peter could figure it out himself. If not, he could mock him later for not being able to put the pieces together.

“Some privacy,” said Elias, leaning one arm against the headstone, “but it seems you had the same idea as I. How did you know him?”

Peter considered this for a moment. “Work,” he said.

Hah. That was amusing. Did he really see it like that? It had been a long time since they had dropped that pretense. Not that the Institute didn’t still rely heavily on the contributions of the Lukas family, but their last several marriages had been private, more for personal reasons than for, as he so eloquently put it, work. Even when they were estranged, he and Peter stayed on decent terms, and after so many years he trusted Peter not to cause problems for him with his family; especially as he continued to offer them any useful information (and any lonely statement-givers) that came his way. The Institute and the Lukas family were allies. That didn’t mean that the two of them had to be married, yet they kept doing it anyway. It was stupid but Elias had long ago resigned himself to it. They both had a weak spot for the other, and like good allies they’d silently agreed never to talk about it. But here Peter was lying in the mud and grieving.

“Interesting, so did I,” said Elias. “Best place to meet him, I believe. The man hardly left the Institute.”

Peter chuckled softly. “Sounds about right.”

Elias thought about interrogating Peter about where he worked and how he’d supposedly met James, but decided not to. If he made him too uncomfortable Peter might just disappear before he could reveal himself, and that would be a shame. And he hadn’t come here to catch him in a lie, he’d come to ask him about James Wright.

“Did you know him well?” asked Elias.

Peter stared into the mist.

“Pretty well, yeah.”

“I think I did too,” said Elias, tracing the headstone’s inscription with his fingertips. “We… yes. We were close.”

He’d hoped to get some reaction with that. Peter considered for a few moments, then silently offered him the bottle. Elias, who’d tried Peter’s whisky before, knew better.

“Thank you, no.”

Peter took the drink himself, and Elias was… concerned about the amount of liquor he was consuming.

“Not planning on joining him, are you?”

Peter just grunted. “…You liked him, huh?”

Elias laughed softly. “Anyone would,” he said sappily, and was pleased to see him carefully not react. He was getting the message, and oh, how he wished he could see how he was reacting to it under that mask. Surely he wouldn’t keep the stoic act too long, he was already daytime drinking on a fresh grave, there wasn’t much lower he could fall. Elias let his voice drop. “I… loved him.”

“Mm,” commented Peter. He placed one hand on the mud beside him, gently pressing into the earth, and kept it there. “I wasn’t around much,” he said quietly.

Well what on earth was he supposed to make of that? He was trying to make Peter jealous and he had very rarely failed at something so completely.

“Do you know, was he alone when he died?” asked Peter.

“Yes.”

“Pity. He was terrified of death.”

“Isn’t everyone?” asked Elias, perhaps a little sharply.

Peter shrugged. “It scares me enough, I suppose, but it doesn’t bother me the way it did him… it seems restful. Resigning yourself to the way of things. I’m not rushing to meet it, of course, but there’s a kind of unflinching beauty in death. No one’s immune, much as we might pretend. In the end, we all face death alone.” He stretched one leg out in the mud, pressing his hand deeper into the earth so that his fingers started to disappear. “And frankly it would solve a lot of problems. Wouldn’t have to turn in budget reports, for one thing.” He chuckled. “yes, it seems peaceful.”

“Not to me. Have you seen people die?” said Elias.

“I have. Many times. The fear is felt by those who are left watching, the dead are beyond it.”

“Because they’re gone. Doesn’t that scare you?”

Peter tilted his head back, let it rest against the headstone, and looked at the dimly-visible silhouette of bare branches against the pale sky. His hair lay in damp strands across his forehead, and Elias Did Not think about brushing them back.

“In the eyes of death I’m already gone. Aren’t we all? We exist for a moment. Like bubbles in the stream. Here a moment, then breaking; always in motion. I’ve always known how… transparent it all is. You can’t really touch anything without falling through,” Peter said.

Well that was new. He was babbling, words starting to slur. Elias decided that he’d have to reveal himself soon, before Peter drank himself so deeply into incoherence that he wouldn’t be able to react to the surprise. That would be a waste.

“I’m sorry,” said Peter after a pause, “I doubt others see it the way that I do. But death has never held any particular terror for me. I’m more afraid of pain, or sickness. Being deceived. Those are things that happen when you’re alive.”

Especially that last one, thought Elias. Peter started to set the bottle down (thank goodness), thought about it for a moment… and started to unscrew the top for another swig. Elias, acting on impulse, swiped it out of his hands. Peter turned to glare at him.

“Listen, I know we’ve only just met but I’m not watching you drink yourself to death over some man you barely knew.”

Ah, finally, a reaction. A spark of rage appeared in Peter’s face, but passed before it could translate into motion. Elias, who’d been tensed for a fight, slowly relaxed.

“You’re right,” said Peter quietly, looking off into the mist. “I didn’t know him. No one really does.”

“What?”

“Know each other. You just… see the outside of someone, and you guess about what they’re really like, but you’re never quite right. People exist apart from you. And that’s very lonely. Almost as lonely as death.”

Elias muffled an exasperated sigh.

“Well, if that’s your belief, surely it can’t be hard to replace someone who’s left you. One person must be as good as another if you can never really—”

“No. I still miss him.”

A warmth spread through Elias’ chest. There, he had it loud and clear in plain words. He was going to hold on to this memory and the next time Peter tried to pull that “oh I’m an emotionless avatar of Forsaken incapable of human bonds” he’d beam it directly into his brain so hard he got a fucking nosebleed from the sheer amount of raw, human, embarrassing grief. Elias wondered if this would be useful blackmail material.

“I know that smile.”

With a start, Elias realized that Peter had leaned back and was looking up at him, frowning. Ah, he’d blown his cover. Well, this was as good a time as any.

“Do you?” he smiled. Peter looked intently at him. At his eyes.

“Jonah?” he said in a small voice.

Elias laughed.

“Took you long enough.” And as proof, he showed him a memory; James Wright’s stilled body with empty eye sockets, image blurred with pain as his new body adjusted to him. Elias Bouchard’s eyes, bloodshot, in his hand. Placing them in James Wright’s body and washing his hands, vision slowly clearing.

Peter sighed, closing his eyes. “Jonah. Were you trying to make me jealous of your narcissistic crush on yourself? I mean, it’s accurate; I’m just not used to that level of honesty from you.”

“Oh, “Jonah”? You must really be angry at me.”

“No, you just haven’t told me your name yet, handsome stranger.”

“Elias. Elias Bouchard, new Head of the Magnus Institute. Pleased to meet you, sailor.” Elias walked around the headstone to crouch closer to Peter, who was almost laughing.

“El-lie-as,” he said slowly, as if tasting the name syllable by syllable, and a chill ran up Elias’ spine. Huh. Very sensitive new body. Yeah, that was it. “It fits you,” said Peter. “Musical, pretentious, has the word lie in it.”

“Oh, shut up.” Elias leaned in for a kiss and Peter stopped him with a hand on his chest.

“Elias, dear, why does this body smell like weed?”

“I’m… still airing the flat out.”

“Why does your body’s flat smell like weed?”

“Take a wild guess.”

“Hm! Didn’t have you pegged for a stoner, Jonah. I’ll have to introduce you to some of my crew…”

“Don’t you dare.”

“You’re right, I don’t remember anyone’s names. You’ll have to introduce yourself.”

“Listen, I don’t think you have any right critiquing the habits of my body’s former inhabitant when I just found you lying in the mud trying to drink yourself to death.”

“Shut up. I thought you were dead.”

“Oh, that’s cute. Me? Really? You thought I was dead?”

“You’re not immune to heart attacks, Elias! They said it was a sudden heart attack, I thought you really died!”

“What, you think a little heart attack could kill me?”

“That is exactly the kind of attitude that makes me think your hubris is going to catch up to you one of these days.”

He was right, but Elias didn’t want to admit it. He tried to pick healthy bodies, but the thought that despite all his centuries of care and planning, one might just… break down on him…

“C’mere,” said Peter, tugging on his tie. “I’d better start getting used to that smell.”

“I’m not joining you in the mud, Peter, get up.”

“Too drunk. C’mon, you’re already muddy.”

Elias remembered that that was the hand Peter had gotten all muddy before touching him. Looked down at his shirt. Groaned.

“Oh, for—”

Peter chucked him under the chin, deliberately smearing mud on him, then grabbed him by the shoulders and yanked him down in the mud while Elias was busy glaring at him. Elias swore.

“Oh, shut up. I think this is a very lenient revenge for letting me think you were dead.”

“Well that’s your fault for not being smarter.”

Peter pinned him against the solid cold of the headstone and kissed him and oh he could not let him know how much he was enjoying this or he’d never live it down. Peter was cold and smelled of grave dirt and whisky and still, faintly, of the sea. It was a new experience, but still Peter.

“You’re a mess,” said Elias, resigning himself to his muddy fate with a sigh. At least he’d fallen on top of his coat, and it was keeping the worst of it off him.

“And? I’m assuming your new flat has a shower,” said Peter.

“It does. Only a shower,” Elias complained. Peter laughed.

“Oh, noooo, no bath? You’ll survive, you spoiled Victorian. I’ll even show you how it works.”

“I know how to take a shower!”

“Turning down the offer?”

“…No.”

“Good.” Peter traced the shape of his face with a muddy finger. Elias grabbed his hand and pushed it away.

“Could you at least use your other hand? The one that’s not caked in mud?”

“No, I don’t think I will. This mud was the closest I thought I’d ever get to you.”

“And that bothers you? Really? Mr. Lonesome, Eternally Alone Lukas?”

Peter got an odd expression. He didn’t like Elias calling him out on his many contradictions. He could argue quite convincingly if he was in the mood, but he apparently wasn’t. “Shut up,” he said, and kissed him again.

This little experiment had gone well, Elias decided.

[smellysluna]

The one where you break the line

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug

Pairing: Adrien Agreste & [YOU]

Warnings/Tags: teacher/student relationship

Summary: you’re a proffessor in Adrien’s class, sometimes things aren’t always socially acceptable.

Side note: special shoutout to @lonelyhibiscus bcs they’ve motivated me to post this and made my week

You knew this day would come hitting harder than a falling skyscraper. 

It was harder to accept than admit, it would ruin your career and it could ruin his career too. It felt like the blood of your heart was being sucked out -hurtful yet, strangely, pleasurable. But it was unforgivable what you happened to get yourself into and, unconsciously, him altogether.

"Alright, everyone, I've got all of your tests graded. I'm going to hand them in to all of you and afterwards we're going to re-do the test on the chalkboard. Agreed?"

"Yes, professor," chanted everyone in unison.

You started handing in tests, starting by a test with neat hand-writing but poor answers. "Rose Lavillant," you said out loud and heard a faint 'Here'. You walked up to her desk and handed it in. Her eyes held an expecting gaze, as if expecting to finally get this test right, only to be replaced by a hurt expression. 

"If there's something troubling you, Miss Lavillant, you can reassuringly tell me —I'll try to help if there's something I can do," you said as you gazed at the girl sitting next to her, getting closer and glancing at her test while rubbing her back. 

Good friends indeed, wish I had the opportunity.

You looked at the next test reading out loud the name, "Nino Lahiffe." You walked to his desk before he could reply. Your heart clenched upon nearing that desk, you tried so hard to not gaze at the boy sitting next to  Mr. Lahiffe but your desires got the best of you; you glanced at Adrien and caught his stare on you. "I know you can do better, don't slack off even if you don't fail my tests." 

Oh, it hurts so much.

Then you noticed the murmurs around the classroom but paid no attention as long you could be clearly heard without raising your voice. 

To your dismay, you heard a scream at the first row and glared at the source of the voice. 

Ah, what a coincidence.

"Chloé Burgeois." Not waiting for her reply, you shuffled in front of her desk and laid her blank test in front of her. "I'm notifying your father about your grades after class." She only stared at you but you continue handing out tests leaving your favourite student last; feeling a pleasurable stare upon you till you voiced out his name.

"And last, but not least, Adrien Agreste," you walked to him, connecting eachother’s eyes during your short walk. You left his spotless test in front of him, flashing a sweet smile at him and, unaware from other eyes, whispered into his ear. "Don't forget to read the end note." You notice his face heat up and gave you a goofy smile to which your heart melted. You walked away and headed to the chalkboard. 

Oh, what you do to me.

When you got to your desk you looked around to watch your students. Then, your gaze went upon one. You stared at the blond as he read the note you left for him. Your heart melted once again upon seeing his smile as he raised his head after reading the note.

"Before I continue, Mister Agreste, I want to talk to you after class is dismissed."

"Yes, professor," his soft voice stammered and you held back a smile as you proceeded to correct the test on the chalkboard. 

As the last question approached the bell rang, signalling that the last class of the day had ended. All the students rushed out the classroom except for one. 

"Ah, Adrien, it's great you didn't forget to stay," fuck, it felt so right to just say his first name.

"I couldn't, professor," he replied and as he looked elsewhere, he added in a softer voice, "Specially if it's you I have to stay with." You couldn't avoid forming a smile on your lips as he said that.

"Adrien, please, call me by my first name." You longed to hear his voice, splatting out your name with such charm that made you almost gave in to the desire of grabbing this boy and never letting him go.

"Oh, okay... (Y/n)." You smiled as he muttered out my name.

"Do you know why you're here right now?"

"Because of my absence on some school hours...?" He replied without confidence.

"That's one of the reasons, yes. Nevertheless, I'd also like to talk about something else but for now let's start with this." You answered with your heart pounding hard against the rib cage. 

I hate this but I love this.

"Oh, alright."

"I know that some of your unattended lessons are because of your career as a model, so those are excused. But some lessons, and not only mine, you're excused to the bathroom but, the thing is, you don't come back. And I have the slightest idea of why that is," he stared and listened intensely to every word you directed to him. "What I suspect is that you try to live in three lives of your own and it gets more difficult as time passes."

"W-what do you mean...?" Adrien nervously mumbled.

He seems quite adorable when he's nervous.

"What I mean is that you try to live as a college student, as a model and...," you lock your eyes with his and almost forget you were talking to him. "... as a hero under a mask." All his expressions changed into a startled one.

"S-say what!?"

You grinned at him, getting a confidence boost. "You know, Plagg can come out of his hiding spot now." A cat like miniature creature flying out of Adrien's bag.

"I'm surprised you know who I am."

"I've been told about you but never seen you; you're actually quite cute." 

"How... How do you know all this?" Asked Adrien getting closer to you.

"I... was the former Ladybug. Hawk Moth already existed before the new generation had your Miraculous."

"Then why did I not know about that?”

"I was discreet and Hawk Moth knew it; I wouldn't appear if he made a public scandal. It wasn't easy for him but then I retired and the new Ladybug and Chat Noir appeared. It made him things a lot easier. He really thought that these two new miraculous wouldn't be discreet."

"Then that means that there was also another Chat Noir?"

"No," replied Plagg before you could, "otherwise I would have known."

"Oh... I... I don't know what to say to all this."

"There's nothing to say, it's normal," said Plagg as he yawned, "I'm going to get some sleep, I'm tired." He yawned once again and went back to Adrien's school bag.

"So... we actually fucked up...?" 

"Adrien, what do you mean?"

"I mean, we gave Hawk Moth an advantage," he said looking down.

"No, no! Not at all... How could you think that? It's not your fault," you replied very aware of the nervousness in you felt.

"We made it easier for him, didn't we?" He looked up at you and your heart clenched at his pained expression. And for a moment, you thought that there was something else on his mind apart from this. You stared deep into his eyes and, somehow, you could make out what they were trying to express.

'Why...? Why did it have to be you...?'

"You couldn't have known, Adrien... It's not your fault," you answered once again getting closer and only now you notice he was almost the same height as you, he was 4 years younger than and yet, still, was he taller than you. You locked your eyes on his and he did the same on yours and unknowingly you both started leaning in.

It was wrong what you were about to do but you wished for this since the day you realised you fell for him. It was wrong, a teacher and a student should not belong together but you knew that a day would come in where you would want to break that rule.

You started closing your eyes and so did Adrien, then, the next thing you felt were his lips and too many feelings stirring. Love, lust, pain and happiness. It was a pain, being his teacher, if somebody found out this was happening, it would ruin your career as a teacher and ruin his blessed life as a consequence. But then, you stopped thinking about it and gave into the kiss, losing yourself in his soft warm lips.

You parted away and suddenly you noticed Adrien’s racing heart and longed for his lips once again. You locked eyes once more and you noticed a sparkle that wasn't there before, it was stunning. 

You cupped his face and smiled sadly, "You realise... I'm your teacher, right? This is wrong..."

His eyes still held that new beautiful sparkle but hurt also found place in his eyes, "I... know... I’m sorry.."

You caressed his cheek with your thumb and planted a kiss on his other cheek, "Please, don't be... It’s not your fault... I wanted this too... If it's someone's fault, it's ours, Adrien, not only yours." He mildly smiled and rested his head on your shoulder while you inhaled his scent.

"So... what happens next...?" He asked with hope in his voice as he wraps his arms around your body.

"What we could do is... forget about this like this never happened or...," you said, voice trembling, and wrapping your own arms around his body. His body trembled afterwards and so did your. You were scared of that option and he seemed to be scared of it as well, you could not forget about this easily. "We could wait till the year ends and I'll surely have to go to another college to teach so it wouldn't be a problem." You said with hope as you slightly bit your lip.

His grip on you tightened and hid his face in the crook of your neck, "I'd love that second option but..." You smiled as he started kissed your neck and slide your hand through his hair. "We could meet in secrecy... Nobody would know if I go to your house... as Chat Noir," as he said the last part, he whispered seducingly in your ear.

"Oh, I would love that. But... you still have to get good grades; I'm still your teacher, mon cher."

"Ah, well, there's only four months left so... I've got no problems."

"And now if you excuse me, I have to call Chloé's father, as much as that girl annoys me, I still have to do my work."

"Ow, you're ditching me for work, that hurts..." 

"Actually, it would be the other way, mon amour."

Bonus:

"Dude! I thought we were bros, man!" Nino exclaimed loudly. "How could you, like, not tell me you were going out with our teacher, like, that's screwed up. Can't blame you, man, she's hot and young. But I didn't expect you'd like 'em older."

"Hey! She’s only 4 years older, man..." 

"Do not worry, or fear, bro. I totally agree with it, I'd be lying if I said there was nothing going on between you two in our classes. No wonder you got spotless results, man," Nino stated as he grinned at Adrien, his face heating up.

"That! That has nothing to do with my grades!" The blond looked away, denying that she would help him to study. "Well, maybe... a bit...?" Nino started a fit of laughter, his expressions going upwards as his back rolled on top of Adrien’s bed.

"A bit, he says!"

"She only helped me with some studying...! And only because I asked, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten any help," he replied, a smug look painting his features.

"Sure, I'll just believe that, big boy," Nino smirked once again and winked, making it obvious what his thoughts were.

"Stop being such a pervert."

"Like you're any better, Adrien.”

[coasttocoastreads]

Welcome back to Week 2 of Coast to Coast Reads! Who’s still alive? Katya and I are dying while social distancing, but at least we had a few laughs discussing this book:

Crescent City (House of Blood and Earth) // Sarah J Maas

★★ / ★★★★★

Summary in one two gif(s):

Real Summary:

Crescent City, a place where vanir (supernatural beings such as angels, fae, shifters, etc.) and humans freely mingle and go about their days. Bryce Quilan is a 20-something fae/human who’s still reeling from the murder of her friends 2 years ago. But after she’s commissioned to help search for an ancient artifact, Bryce, along with her new angel partner Hunt, unearth previously buried secrets about the murder that threaten to expose a worldwide conspiracy. 

Pros:

Great side characters. I would die for each and every one of them.

Lots of different mythological creatures! Not just another Fae Book™️

Cons:

It’s literally ToG 2-7 combined. If you read Throne of Glass, you’ve already been spoiled for this book. 💀💀💀

It’s wayyyy too long

Drags a lot in the beginning

Plot .5/5 (the .5 is for you, Lehaba)

What can I say. SJM literally plagiarized herself by taking the plotline of the tog books and translating it to this new setting. The writing itself was subpar, and most of the time it felt like the author herself had no idea where the plot was going, instead letting it drag on until a plot twist that makes no sense is revealed. (You’ll know which one I’m talking about when you get there.) I’ll compare CC with ToG with spoilers under the cut. 

Pacing 2/5

The beginning is full of info-dumping as SJM tries to set up this world which is metaphorically like ours, but everyone’s hot and does fantasy cocaine all the time.  It narrates boring day-to-day schedules that could have been condensed into a paragraph and at times I was tempted to skip ahead. The plot does pick up near the last 25% though, so I’ll give it that. 

Worldbuilding 2.5/5

It was confusing. To be fair, after all the info was dumped at the beginning, I didn’t bother going back to try to figure things out when they popped up again after. But like still??? I think I only started understanding the hierarchy of the government with the Asterrii(?). Also what are the Triarii I am still lost. SJM attempts to blend a more modern society with one of fantasy creatures, and for the most part it succeeds, but it often just feels...strange. I think the one thing I’m most hung up about is why swords and guns still coexist. Like ??????? it’s one or the other plssssss abandon the “aesthetic” Also while they literally have cell phones and keurig machines there aren’t common things like cars? Why.

Characters: (This is unconventional, bear with me)

Main Characters: -infinity/5 they could go die for all I care

Bryce and Hunt were both super unlikeable, 10/10 would let fall from a cliff. They are literally just rewrites of Aelin and Rowan? Bryce is like ahahaha yeah people think I’m Just a dumb vapid Female™️ who parties too much and gets trashed but SIKE I’m actually the chosen one and I’ve been hiding it this whole time because I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings uwu. And did I mention I’m actually a trained Warrior who can keep up with The Boys? It’s Aelin y’all. There are numerous times where a character says that she’s not stupid and I’m like...are you sure... This girl makes the poorest decisions, yet ofc, there aren’t any long term consequences... (Also 99% of her problems come from ghosting people literally just respond with “k” sis)

Hunt is... idek what to say about Hunt. He’s just Rowan but in angel form. His inner monologue cycles between I must pay off my debt so I can gain Freedom 😔, why is Bryce so hot 🥴, and Shahar 😭. Once again, literally Rowan who also was bound to some evil villain, had the hots for their CENTURIES YOUNGER pupil/protectee, and had an old lover die tragically which led to them believing they can never find love again UNTIL BryLin comes along. Snooze. 

Side Characters: Infinity/5 

Ruhn Danaan was the most valid character and that’s the hill I’ll die on. He literally just wanted to protect his sister cuz she’s stupid af but she keeps pushing him away bc he’s an “alphahole” (haha how subversive :/) I want a whole book about him and Hypaxia, preferably fanfiction so I don’t have to read “soft feminine breathing” ever again.

Literally all the supporting cast- Lehaba, Therion, Ithan, Jesiba, Flynn, Connor, etc, etc. had more compelling characters and side stories than Bryce/Hunt. I was 100% more invested in them and I can’t wait to read/write more about them. 

(Pls let me marry Jesiba Roga or Therion 🥺)

But while the people on the “good” side were spectacular, the villains all felt one-dimensional and the product of over-recycled and overused tropes mashed together. Sandriel and Pollux are literally just Maeve and Cairn (is that his name)

I’d recommend for:

People who loved Throne of Glass and are lamenting the absence of new content. Please read about Rowaelin 2.0

People stuck at home during this global crisis and have too much time on their hands. (If you need that free epub, hmu)

People who are willing to skip all scenes that feature just Bryce and/or Hunt 

People who hate themselves

Would I travel here?

Sorry, what? Already shredded my passport, not getting a replacement, sorry. 

Overall thoughts:

I wish I could somehow take those hours of my life back but alas. 

See y’all in two weeks with a hopefully better book selection,

Tiff

Spoilers under cut

Okay time to VENT

OKAY so CC=ToG, let’s break down how

Danika’s death is the Nehemia Incident, setting the mc up for a journey of self discovery/reclaiming their power. They both show up as ghosts later to encourage mc in a time of great self-struggle.

Syrinx if Fleetfoot. bc all female mc’s need a pet to reveal her Feminine and Soft side

Sandriel and Pollux are Maeve and Cairn. Evil female character with vast power and her torturer? COOKIE CUTTER FORMULA. The scene where Bryce offers herself up for Hunt in the lobby also kinda mirrors that scene in..HoF? QoS? Don’t remember, but pretty sure that happened. Also that scene was so fucking dumb, I really thought Bryce had a Smart Plan, but I was bamboozled once again. 

A gem from my notes: “Bryce is Aelin but with cocaine”

I think the whole demon portal thing is a ripoff of ACOWAR (or is it KoA I can’t even remember), sacrificing yourself to close the rift, etc, etc. 

Anyways, Bryce = Aelin, a party-girl front with a sob backstory that’s her superpower origin story who always has a Plan. 

Hunt = Rowan, broody warrior busy repaying debts getting orders they don’t want while pining over a lost love. They reluctantly let the female mc in and voila they’re in LOVE

The whole “plot twist” that revealed Hunt’s true plan along was so fucking dumb...

It wasn’t a plot twist, it was just plain bad writing

There was no set up at all, nothing alluding to Hunt secretly masterminding an attempted coup with the help of Magic Meth

The whole time I was like “...this is part of their plan right. There’s no way he legit planned this...”

Character’s POVs should reveal what they’re thinking, even if you’re just hinting at something to reveal later...this was just lazy

Another thing that really rubbed me the wrong way was the sudden reveal that Fury and Juniper had been in a relationship the whole time? Despite like above, there was no prior allusion to that?

It felt like half-assed representation at best and completely irrelevant to the story with it coming up again in a throwaway line near the end

Also? I’m fairly certain there was a scene in the beginning where they were all out clubbing and Juniper hooked up with some rando while Fury was also at the club with them? Was this before they got together or did SJM insert this so last minute that no one caught it?

Wtf is sunball. Can someone just help me out here.

Some people have been saying Hunt is Asian coded? Where???!!!!! All I’m seeing is the same stuff she pulled in ACOTAR where all the Illyrians were tan so people could claim they were poc for woke points but not get in trouble for art depicting them as white ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SJM pls stay away from “like calls to like” you don’t deserve it

[midnight-circus]

sometimes you just gotta meme for the new guy.

this is two memes combined so sorry if theres similar questions i couldnt be bothered to post them separately lmao

it’s fuckin huge My Bad

-

Names? If you were to choose another name for your oc, what do you think it would be? Did you choose their name for how it sounds or for its meaning?

Tbh it was a toss-up for a long time between Mallory, Felix and Everaud, and eventually the first two won. I chose it for how it sounded, but as it turned out the meanings of his first two names juxtapose pretty well together (first name Mallory - ‘unlucky’, second name Felix - ‘lucky’). His surname, Valkner, I also picked for the sound - the meaning of ‘warrior’ doesn’t really pertain to him lmao

He hasn’t gone by his legit first name of Mallory since he was about 12, and has used Felix almost exclusively since then. he fuckin hates it. most of the time.

Can your oc play any instruments? Have they ever wanted to learn how to play any? Why?

No, he grew up without much money and instruments would have been a luxury. He’s vaguely considered it as an adult, but is pretty certain he’d be useless so hasn’t bothered trying.

How does your oc fare in the dark? Are they scared? Do they trip over things really easily or navigate like they have night vision? (Or do they have night vision?)

He doesn’t like the dark much, but he’s not scared. He’s just got bad eyesight.

How well would your oc fare as a teacher? What subject would they be best at teaching? What about the worst?

tbh he’d probably be pretty good as a teacher to a group of like...primary school kids, maybe from 5-11 in age. He’s quiet-voiced, fairly mild-mannered, and has a strong sense of fairness and justice - the problem would arise when it came to older pupils, teens and up, trying to get the upperhand, bc he’s not authoritative in the slightest and would probably cave. Give him a room of toddlers tho that he’s only responsible for in short bursts and he’d cope pretty well. Either history or english lit would be his forte; sports would be worst. the boy can’t run.

What was your oc’s relationship with their parents like? If they didn’t have any parents/didn’t know them, who in their life was the closest to a parent to them?

It’s...good? I guess?? It’s complicated. his parents love their kids dearly and Felix didn’t go wanting for affection, but if anything it went too far the other way. He was absolutely smothered as a kid - after several near-death experiences with childhood illnesses (bacterial meningitis, which developed into encephalitis, then sepsis in his leg), his mother wrapped him up in cotton wool and never really let go. He couldn’t leave the house alone, he couldn’t go outside on cold days, he couldn’t move at anything faster than a walk - after being in and out of hospitals from 5-years-old to 8, and then being kept on a shelf from then, it really had an impact on how he learnt to interact with other kids his age. It’s also given him an unstable footing in life itself - he’s never quite certain if he’s going to lose everything at the drop of a hat, because that’s how they used to act around him. Now, with the distance of adulthood, he loves them and appreciates that they were trying their best, but he can’t help but resent them a little if he really thinks about it. He gets around this by not thinking about it.

Does your oc have any allergies, intolerances, or other sensitivities? How dangerous is it? Does this affect their daily life in any way?

he’s got an allergy to letting himself be happy it’s very serious

Does your oc prefer being in a crowd or being completely alone? How many people can be around them before they get uncomfortable?

Generally he’s more content alone - conversation doesn’t come naturally to him, particularly if it’s a crowd of strangers, and he’s more content in his own company. If he does find himself in a crowd, he will take himself to the edge of the room and people-watch rather than mingle.

How open is your oc to trying new things? Are they the adventurous sort, or would they rather stay in their comfort zone? Why?

He needs to be talked into things, otherwise he’d never try anything - he knows his comfort zones and he’s very comfortable in them, and is not inclined to venture outside. If he’s nudged into doing something, he may end up finding that he enjoys it - doesn’t necessarily mean he’d do it again under his own steam, but he doesn’t always regret the experience.

Does your oc have any best friends? Who was/is their closest friend? What about their worst enemy?

Pathetically enough, he doesn’t, really. Sylvia was his best, and to be honest his only friend, and when she left his social life left with her. He loves her still, but he loves her platonically (even if he hasn’t realised that yet) and that wasn’t enough for her, understandably. Outside of her, there’s not really anyone else.

No enemies. He’s not important enough to have enemies.

How dangerous is your oc? Are they completely innocent, or someone to be feared? Do others know?

tbh Felix’s level of danger is about the same as a puppy with a knife in its mouth. like yeah it might get you by accident but its way more likely to hurt itself and its not really done anything to deserve that so really its more important to get the knife away from it for its own benefit than yours

What is your oc’s vision like? Do they require glasses, are they completely blind, or do they have 20/20 vision? Does this have an effect on their life?

He wears glasses for pretty much everything - he’s not blind without them, but his vision’s bad enough that he wouldn’t be able to cope for the whole day if he left them at home.

If your oc were to be arrested for something, what would it be for? For being too kind, for a legitimate crime?

Probably for getting mixed up in something he didn’t mean to get involved in - Felix is the sort of person to say ‘yes’ to one request because he felt pressured and then find himself 20 ‘yes’s down the line embezzling money from the government for the Serbian mafia with no idea how he got there. He’s quite easy to manipulate - a person who knows how to press his buttons can generally work the answer they want out of him. 

How quiet or loud is your oc? Are they easily capable of sneaking around without being heard, or do they feel it’s impossible to stop talking?

He’s pretty quiet - tries not to draw attention to himself if he can avoid it, and he doesn’t really speak unless he’s spoken to.

How stylistically fancy is your oc? Or would they rather go for comfort and plainness instead?

His primary concern is durability and price - he needs something that will either last for as long as possible so he doesn’t have to replace it any time soon, or something that is cheap enough that it doesn’t matter if it wears out, and ergo, Primark. He oftens window-shops for nice-fitting, fancy clothing in the London boutiques he passes on the way to work, but has never bought anything like that in his life and can’t bring himself to even consider it.

What’s your oc’s preferred mode of transportation? Walking, vehicle, (or in a sci-fi/magic setting) teleportation?

His preferred mode of transport is a car, but his isn’t always working properly so when he has to, he takes a bus - he doesn’t like walking if he can avoid it, partially because it wears him out and partially because he’s kind of physically lazy.

Is your oc always late, always early, or always right on time? Is there any reason for this?

He’s always early, because he leaves early, because he’s already envisioned about 20 different disasters that could make him late on the way and he’s trying to circumvent all of them.

How empathetic is your oc? Or are they closer to being a sociopath? Any reason why?

Felix doesn’t really realise that he’s empathetic - he thinks he’s just doing what everyone does, but in fact he will go out of his way to improve a situation for someone if he thinks they’re being hard-done-by for no benefit to himself, even to the extent of bending or breaking rules. It’s partially why he got into the law-scene - he wants to see things bettered for people who need it.

How much does your oc swear? Or do they keep completely clean? Why is this? Is there any situation where they would be the opposite?

Swearing doesn’t come naturally to him - he’s one of those people who will swear only under their breath and still manage to feel guilty about doing it. If he is going to swear out loud, he does it in German and it always comes out clumsily.

How does your oc’s own perception of themselves compare to how other people see them? Is your oc aware that other people see them differently (if it’s different)?

It’s pretty different. In his mind, he’s pretty useless - a bit of a waste-of-space who has coasted through life by pretending to be better than he is, kind of dull, kind of boring, kind of unattractive, altogether too much of Nothing Special for anyone to really be bothered with. Realistically, he comes across as responsible and competent at his job, perhaps a little highly-strung and nervy but nevertheless perfectly capable of managing the responsibilities he has. It’s his own self-doubt that cripples him, for the most part - people see it in him, and perhaps it makes them wonder if there’s a reason for it.

Is your oc a workaholic, or do they find it hard to be busy at all? Do they find it easy to relax, or must they have something to do at all times? Why?

if he’s not working, he’s thinking, and that simply won’t do. Felix’s whole life is work, for the most part - he throws his all into it, and isn’t sure what to do with himself when he’s sitting at home alone in a dead-quiet flat.

How energetic is your oc? Do they have trouble sitting still or do they feel low on juice all the time? Any reason why?

He’s constantly exhausted. It’s because he’s depressed. He hasn’t figured that out yet.

How does your character sleep? Peacefully, fitfully? What position do they sleep in? What is their typical bedding like?

Not very peacefully - Felix is a light sleeper, so although capable of getting to sleep relatively quickly he wakes up in fits and starts throughout the night. He tends to sleep curled on his left side, on bedding that is cheap, serviceable and durable. He can’t afford to buy anything decent. He finds it easier to stay asleep if there’s ambient noise in the room - white noise, the TV, whatever.

Does your oc have dreams or nightmares? What are they like? Is there a recurring one?

He’ll suffer a pretty bad nightmare here and there, generally to do with hospitals or medical procedures, but they aren’t chronic.

How easy to annoy is your oc? Do they have common pet-peeves or are they stoic in response to everything? What is their reaction if the source doesn’t stop?

he’s real easy to annoy lmao. He’s got a list of pet peeves a mile long and he’s very easy to get a rise out of, so people who enjoy getting a reaction (Lyon) find him very entertaining pickings. He keeps telling himself not to get so worked up because it only encourages things, but he can’t help it.

How does your oc view housework? Do they absolutely hate it? Do they enjoy having their surroundings neat and tidy or do they not notice?

He hates doing it, but he really enjoys a clean space afterwards and goes a long way to keep things organised. Disorder stresses him out - he particularly can’t bear people coming into his space and messing it up.

Your oc has to make something for an art exhibition. What would they make? How terrible is it? Would they enjoy making it?

oh christ. the thing is, he’s actually not that bad at art - he’s got a good handle on anatomy and perspective and can reproduce images or photpgraphs fairly well - but he thinks he’s useless and has never shown anyone anything. he’d produce a pretty solid sketch of like a coffee shop at 5pm or something dull like that, apologise profusely for the result, and hate every second of it.

What is your oc’s vocabulary like? Does it match the way they talk? How would you describe their speech?

He speaks pretty well - he’s precise with his words and keeps a quiet, even tone, and his vocab is fairly developed. If there’s a flaw with his speech, it’s that he speaks rather too quickly, because he’s used to being constantly interrupted - it becomes a race to get the sentence finished and his point across, before someone can cut him off.

He has a south German accent, but it’s a little softer for years of living in England - it gets stronger when he goes back home to Munich.

Is your oc more likely to follow instructions exactly, throw them out and figure it out on their own, or make it all up? What are the results like?

He follows instructions to the T, and doesn’t have the impulse to experiment and mess around with them for fear of making a mistake that he’d then have to clean up; that being said, if it becomes a matter of fair treatment, he may be inclined to bend the rules here and there.

Is your oc afraid of touch or do they actively seek it out? Is there a reason for this? What are the exceptions?

lmaoooOOOOO he’s petrified, whilst at the same time desperately craving it. He’s horrendously touch-starved, but his childhood lizard-brain learnt to associate touch with painful medical procedures, so he shies from it by nature.

How is your oc about medical care? Do they avoid any form of healthcare that they can, do they seek it out over every little scrape? Do they treat their injuries/illness all by themselves?

Felix carries an awful lot of medical trauma with him; he’s terrified of medical care, whilst simultaneously being something of a hypochondriac convinced he’s got some sort of Terrible Disease at all times. to be fair, this is because he once had a Terrible Disease, which then led to a second and then a third Terrible Disease before the first could even be treated, so he does have form for it. He also can’t handle blood and has been known to pass out at the sight of it, but would rather do that and recover on the floor than go to hospital.

He will avoid hospitals At All Costs.

How competitive is your oc? Is every little task something that they can win, or are they just in competitions for the fun of it? Is there anyone they’re most competitive with?

He’s sort of competitive accidentally - he doesn’t want to be, but he feels like he needs to be in order to succeed. He is desperate to prove himself, desperate to show his mother than he is more than capable of managing his own life, but he will run himself to exhaustion trying to get there. He’s happiest when he’s left to do his own thing without feeling like he’s competing against others, when he’s content that he’s appreciated by the people around him and is able to take that appreciation at face value, but he hasn’t come to that realisation in himself yet - he just thinks he’s doing it wrong.

How skilled at lying is your oc? How frequently do they lie? For what reason? What situations would be the exception?

lmao he can’t lie to save his life it’s actually kind of sad to watch. he’s a Blusher, for one, so he’s already tripped coming out of the gate, and then he starts falling over his own tongue the second he’s asked a question he can’t give a truthful answer to until it’s painfully obvious to everyone. it’s just sad.

What is your oc’s immune system like? Are they invincible to illness, or are they compromised completely from the slightest of dirt?

His immune system is terrible - a side-effect of his childhood. If there’s an illness going around, he will catch it.

Does your oc do anything “just for the aesthetic”? Or are they completely practical in everything?

Totally practical by habit, but perhaps he’d be happier if he wasn’t. He’s not used to doing things just because he wants to, because he’d enjoy the experience - there has to be a reason for it, else he’s not justified in doing it. Same goes for purchasing things that he wants - if he can’t come up with a good, solid, practical reason to buy himself something, he won’t buy it. ‘Because you want to’ is not reason enough.

If you had to choose a single object to act as a symbol for your oc, what would it be?

One of those candles that re-ignites itself when you blow it out.

If your oc could only eat one thing for the rest of their life (while miraculously not suffering from malnutrition), what would it be?

He’s got a massive sweet tooth and spends a lot of time baking, so probably cake - he’s fond of little gay French patisserie nonsense.

How prepared is your oc? Ready for the worst no matter what, or completely lost in every situation? Would they have a medkit when it was needed? Would they have an umbrella if it rains?

As much as he panics, in a legitimate bad situation he is capable of keeping his head - he runs on adrenaline and suffers the consequences later. He carries a first-aid kit in his car, but has never needed to use it, and yes, he always has an umbrella.

How charitable is your oc? Or are they more stingy with their resources and money?

god. He is stingy, but not out of a miserly nature - he just legitimately does not have much money. He never has, ever since childhood, and that shit is ingrained in him - you watch what you’re spending, because you never know when you’re going to need to make an emergency payment.

If someone was describing your oc to someone who had never met them, what distinguishing features would they mention? How would one identify your oc in a crowd?

Short guy, kind of round-faced, round glasses - kinda looks like he’s lost even when he isn’t. Jumps if you bump into him.

Does your oc have any pleasure that embarrasses them so they keep it secret? Or are they open about all the things they enjoy?

literally everything that he enjoys, he’s embarrassed about. He likes old black-and-white movies and he’s embarrassed about that. He reads shitty romcom fiction and he’s embarrassed about that. He enjoys cooking, he’s embarrassed about that. He actually enjoys sex, believe it or not, and he’s embarrassed about it. Don’t even fuckin get him started on his kinks because he’s embarrassed about them. tbh Felix doesn’t really know how to enjoy himself without guilt or shame, because he always feels like he needs to justify the things he likes and he doesn’t know how to do it. He’s just embarrassed.

What is your oc’s stamina like? Would they be able to run a marathon, or not run at all? What about walking/another physical activity? How are they with exercise in general?

Shitty stamina - he’s got weak lungs and the extent of his running ability is running for a bus and then needing literally four hours to recover. He sort of makes a vague attempt to exercise at home, but is easily discouraged and would just rather lie on the couch having a crisis of body-image.

How long can your oc stay focused on one task before they get bored? Do they constantly have to switch things up or do they hyperfocus? What sort of things is it the opposite for?

Felix is the king of repetitive, menial tasks. Set him in front of a diary or a spreadsheet and he’s well away. He really doesn’t mind thoughtless admin labour, even as he insists that he’s capable of handling more responsibility - and although he is more than capable, he also feels comforted by the predictability of data-entry. A nice mix of both would be ideal.

What smells bring back specific memories to your oc? What are those memories like?

Antiseptic and rubber floors, with that underlying stink of sickness. They’re not good memories.

How jumpy or easily spooked is your oc? Do they have a fight or flight reflex to being startled, or are they never startled at all?

He’s super-jumpy and easy to startle, which is delightful to some people. Between fight or flight, he’ll fly.

How polite is your oc? Do they do everything with the utmost courtesy, or do they completely refuse to say please and thank you?

He’s unfailingly polite, because his mother would have beat him with a shoe if he wasn’t.

How flexible is your oc? Can they touch their toes or do they have trouble just sitting down because of how stiff they are?

He doesn’t think he’s flexible at all, but certain intercurricular activities with Lyon suggest that he’s more flexible than he thinks he is.

What is your oc’s typical walking like? Do they speed-walk everywhere, do they take quick short steps or long paces? How loud are their footsteps?

Because his legs are kinda short, he walks pretty quickly just to be able to keep up with people - quiet steps, because he’s trying not to draw attention to himself.

If your oc was in a video game, what would their idle animation be?

Cleaning his glasses, putting them back on, squinting through them, then taking them off and cleaning them again ad infinitum.

What topics does your oc know the most about? Are these obvious or would these be surprising to others?

He’s a talented cook and has absorbed quite a lot about flavour profiles and all that shit that I know nothing about so I’m not going into details lmao. He’s also got a bank of knowledge about classic films that he keeps to himself, as he’s never convinced anyone would be interested. He’s got a lot of shit that he keeps to himself for this same reason, and therefore there’s quite a lot he could surprise people with if the right topics came up.

What time of day is your oc most awake? What about most tired? Do they get up at the same time every morning without need of an alarm, or is their sleep schedule all over the place?

Tries to tell himself he’s a morning-person. He isn’t. Left to his own devices he’d wake up about 10 and fall asleep about 2am, but he’ll insist if asked that he’s naturally inclined to wake up early.

What would someone blackmail your oc with? Would they be successful in getting what they wanted?

they’d get hold of a list of his pornhub browsing history and yes, they would absolutely be successful.

How easily does your oc get attached to things? Does everything have a sentimental value to them, or do they see nothing as more valuable than its practical use? What about with people/animals?

He gets attached to people and animals very easily, but as for things - he gets angry when he breaks or loses items, but that’s more to do with being stressed about having to pay to replace them than anything sentimental. He’s thrifty to a fault and won’t throw anything out until it’s absolutely unusable, to the point that he’s gotten pretty skilled at sewing repairs in order to avoid getting rid of clothes. He does have sentimental attachments to a few things, but not the majority.

How stubborn is your oc? Are they easily convinced of the opposite opinion, do they not agree but let it happen anyways? Or do they cause conflicts with their inability to budge in their decisions?

He’s not stubborn, as such, but he does know his own mind. He can be talked around or into things quite easily, but he does like to feel as though his voice has been heard.

How much has your oc traveled? Why is this? Would they like to travel more? Or are they perfectly fine with staying home?

He’d prefer to stay home - there’s too much room for error travelling abroad, and the risks don’t really outweigh the benefits for him. He travels back and forth between England and Germany, and he has visited France before as a boy, but that’s about it.

What signs tell that your oc is nervous? Do they fidget, is it in their expression or the way they say things? Or are they very skilled at hiding it?

He fiddles with his glasses and fidgets his hands around, and is also (as mentioned) a blusher - he’s Not Subtle when he’s nervous or flustered, which in turn makes it worse.

How superstitious your oc? Do they end up following them ‘just in case’? Or are superstitions incredibly important to your oc? What are some that they believe? What about the ones they don’t?

He says he isn’t superstitious, but I’m not certain that’s true - I think he’s superstitious despite himself. He follows them, then gets annoyed with himself for following them and assures himself that he won’t do it again, but then when it comes to it next time he follows them again anyway. He won’t walk under ladders, won’t open an umbrella indoors and he broke a mirror once and almost died. The only one he doesn’t believe is unlucky black cats, because he’s never met a black cat that was unpleasant.

[rlbubbles]

rant part 1

(disclaimer : I don’t support or encourage self harm, or disorders of any kind, this is only a post to explain what I’m going through. If you are having trouble with anything, mental health or physical health, please get help.) and know I love you. even if I don't know you, I love you. and we can get through this. 💙💙

TRIGGER ALERT : IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH, I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO CONSIDER NOT READING THIS. I DON'T WANT TO TRIGGER ANY OF YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANY OF YOU.

I had an appointment today with my doctor, she's a psychologist, (I think) and bc I have social anxiety, I go with my mom and brother to these appointments. bc I don't want to be so anxious that I forget to say important stuff like, you know, "I'm actually not doing that great" bc I get so caught up in, I say this and then this. and if they ask this, I say this. but my mom ruined this appointment for me,bc she said something that if not understood correctly, would be alarming... I guess. and the last few times I've had appointments my mom has said something that I DIDN'T WANT MY DOCTOR TO KNOW. like that I ran away from home one time, even though it was only for 60 seconds, bc I couldn't handle my thoughts anymore.

so what did my mom say this time? that I sleep doing the day... doesn't everybody. my mom said, she's worried about me bc I've been taking naps every day for about a week now.

oh, I'm sorry. you keep me awake until 2 am, and then I have a 9:30 am appointment with my doctor and so I need to wake up at 7am to get ready for the appointment, but bc I struggle with anxiety and fear of fears, I need to get reassurance from my brother that I'M OKAY TO GO TO SLEEP, THAT I WILL WAKE UP AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, so I spend an hour to two, asking again and again bc I DON'T FEEL SAFE, and then I go to my room and fall asleep. having to wake up a few hours later.... and you're worried bc I'm taking a NAP!?

my mom explained that when I was younger I never liked to take naps, that my mom would say I should take a nap, but I would be like, no. oh I'm sorry, mom, I didn't realize we were comparing my anxiety fueled, fear factory, body to my energetic, athletic, creative, not a hint of mental health struggles body, I had when I was 7.

to be fair. I was taking naps not really bc I was tired, but more bc for the last months, June, July, and now August, it's been a bit hard, a little too much, okay that's a lie, it's been terrible, I've basically have been drowning in fear and anxiety and panic attacks that seem to NEVER END! for these few months. and it's getting too much, to difficult. and this last week, was awful, worse than the other weeks. I've had it. I wake up, with a panic attack. I relax, I think about something happy and fun. ten seconds later I freak out about whatever I thought of. bc that's how my life is. fear of fears is insane, it's a real b****, it make fear out of something that is literally nothing to be afraid of. and that's my entire day.

panic attack

relax, think about something happy, fun

okay. we're doing it, were okay were - oh no. now I'm afraid.

relax. think about something happy.

okay. we're doing it, happy thoughts. happy -fear. lots of fear. what do I do.

relax.

repeat. repeat. for 18 hours of the day, because I wake up early and sleep late.

this isn't an exaggeration. this is my life, it has been for the last 3 years. I'm sorry, that it's finally becoming too much for me to handle. wait. no I'm not. bc I'm still here. every time it gets too hard, I don't cut. I don't run away. I don't stab myself. I don't drink chemicals. I stay in my room, I hug my stuffed animals and sit on my bed, then lay on my bed. and I cry. and I want to scream, but I don't bc u don't want to alarm my family. so I cry. and cry. till I don't feel emotions anymore.

my mom told my doctor, I take naps in the daytime and she's worried about me bc it's not like me.

this coming from the person who works 24/7 and THINKS she knows me better than I know myself, even though she doesn't know what my fears are like, she doesn't know that every second of every day is a fight between my mind and my body. my mind saying to kill myself, and my body not moving away from my bed. that my favorite song atm is freaking out by ARIZONA. bc it explains what I'm going through so perfectly. and has a perfect beat that makes me happy when I listen to it. and a close second is broken my lovelytheband.

I take naps, because my day is too difficult. I freak out so often. and when I get a break, it's not even a break. I push through, ofc, but it's not enough to make me feel okay. and after 8 hours of nonstop fears, and panic attacks, my mind starts to hit me with suicidal thoughts, my solution. a nap. I'm probably tired and that's why I freak out so often. I've probably been tired for so long I forgot how it feels to be tired, so I don't know I'm tired. so I take a nap. not a long nap, but a 30 minute nap, so I wake up before I enter deep sleep. so I wake up energized not drowsy. it's also my solution bc it's either take a nap, and stop freaking out so much, or kill myself.

so I'm sorry, mom. I guess you want me to kill myself rather than take a nap. okay.

so bc mom told my doctor about my naps, my doctor obvi, asked how many naps i take and how long they are... I replied honestly, I said 2 to 4 naps a day for 30 minutes, 4 naps are on the incredibly difficult days that I literally don't get any breaks from my fear. and I can't do this anymore.

my doctor thought I was taking naps to avoid my fear. like I wasn't actually dealing with my fear and instead it was like

it's a wonderful day today

*gasp* FEAR!! WHAT DO I DO?

NAP!

wake up.

it's a wonderful day.

five hours later, *gasp* fear!!

Nap.

but noooooooo. I deal with the fear, I get fear practically every minute. I push through it. until I can't breathe. the panic attacks won't leave, they haven't left for HOURS, my fear is the only emotion i have now, I don't feel safe and every time I think of something happy, fear overtakes the happy thought and I can't keep doing this. so I take a nap. it's not that bad. it's better than killing myself. right?

so my doctor told me. to reduce my napping to 1 a day... she asked if that was okay, and what I thought about it, I said 1 seems a bit harsh, but I will do it. she asked what I would want my naps to be like, and I said 2 a day. she said no, one a day and I get 2 extra naps for the entire week. so basically, now I have to struggle more with my fear and figure out if I should spend my nap on this or not. but if I don't, I don't know how I would stop the fear. it's too much. and I hate that my mom told my doctor about it, and I couldn't correct it, and explain it to her like this, that I do handle my fear, I'm trying to get better. but after hours and hours of it, I just want a break, that's not bad. that's self care. I'm choosing to care for myself rather than end it all and kill myself. since when, is that bad? I just hate it. so much. I hate that my mom told her I take naps, and that that's not "me" when she doesn't even know what is "me." and I can't get too mad at my mom, I literally can't show her I'm mad at her. bc she struggles with depression and for a really long time suicidal thoughts,and she just stopped having the suicidal thoughts, so I don't want to give her a reason to have the thoughts again. so I can't show her how much this hurt me, her telling my doctor about my naps. and it's so frustrating, I want to scream.

[fymoanstax]

Monsta X as Professors

This was not requested but Admin Ponyo just,,,,,,thought of it. Hope you guys enjoy!

Shownu

Teaches Political Science

‘You can call me Hyunwoo or Mr. H I don’t really care just don’t call me sir because it makes me feel old’

Monotone voice makes you want to fall asleep during lecture

Gives direct answers to exams

If the question is like ‘when was the declaration of independence signed?’

On the study guide/exam review it’ll say ‘make sure you know the day the declaration was signed’

Easy A class

Doesn’t take attendance bc there are like 200 people in class

Every day is casual friday

Dresses more like a student

Arrives to class late sometimes

No homework

He’s the professor where you’re kind of like ‘should I be having these thoughts about him?’

Sometimes he'll just put on Law and Order™ because its it's too much of a hassle to actually teach that day

On the first day of class he asked in the middle if the students wanted to take a break for 20 minutes or just keep going and get out of class early.

Gives out candy on review days

Despite seeming like he doesn't care he wants his students to be socially aware and active in politics

Really raising the next generation of leaders 11/10 would take this class

Wonho

Teaches education courses

But he also Handles 1st year seminars

Makes people call him coach for no reason

Very inspirational

Female students swoon over him

Wears dress pants and dress shirts and dress shoes

BUT NO BLAZER OR JACKET OR ANYTHING

Rolls up his sleeves a lil

You know those biceps are LI VINg

‘I can be your mentor’ (du du du du du du du du, get it. Like,,,,,’i can be your hero’ okay nvm)

Always comes into class right on the dot

Lectures include a lot of uplifting quotes

Has powerpoints with cute animations, transitions and lots of videos

Stays behind after class and is surrounded by students wanting to talk to him

Has a good rating on ratemyprofessor plus a whole chili pepper bc lots of people take his class

No phones in class because he wants everyone to pay attention but newsflash they already are

No electronics in general

Says attendance doesn't count but passes around a sign in sheet bc he wants to make sure people that show up are rewarded

Minhyuk

Teaches nutrition courses

Wears tracksuits to class

Talks about staying healthy and eating well but shows up late to class with burger king

Has never been to a gym unless pokemon go counts

When people go to his office hours they find him playing overwatch

Gives a lot of extra credit

Makes twitter deals with his students

‘If this post gets 100k retweets our professor will give us all As’

Assigns homework randomly

Next class he has forgotten he assigned homework at all

Until a student brings it up

‘Did I assign that? Okay yeah hand it in then.’

Gives everyone As for the sake of not grading

Actually forgets to grade entire exams

Tells students when pop quizzes will happen

‘Well we’re gonna have a pop quiz this week and if its not today then it must be,,,,the only other time we meet this week.’ *wink*

Asks students to call him the Italian Stallion despite not being Italian or a stallion.

Asks everyone how their weekend was and really does want some stories.

*finished a chapter like 15 minutes early* “You guys want to stop here?”

Group work all the time

He likes it because even he learns from it

Kihyun

Math professor

High level math like calc 2 or smth

Wears suits to class

Doesn’t give study guides or do review days

Homework every week

Only 6 questions

1a, 1b, 1c, 1d, 1e, 1f, 1g, 1h, 1i, 1j, 1k, 1l…….you know

Has never cancelled a class

Gives you dirty look if you walk out of class early

‘We still have 45 seconds of class don’t pack up’

Syllabus is 15 pages long

No calculators allowed

‘You learned this in math 126 so i won’t go over it’ UH YEAH 3 SEMESTERS AND AN ENTIRE SUMMER AGO BOI

Asks for homework at the beginning of class

Before you even walk in

If it’s not in your hand no points for the day

Takes attendance daily + counts as 20% of grade

Only allowed 1 excused absence with note

Always bashes the rival university by using said university as the bad examples in word problems.

“Professor what does this have to do with math"

“Nothing I just hate (insert university here)”

At the end of the semester he said “I should have called you guys worms and then at the end said ‘congratulations you are all now maggots’"

Tough professor but everyone loves him still

Hyungwon

Teaches classes on law

ALWAYS has his hair styled and his suit looking pristine

Fashionably late is reAL for this man

Student: ‘I heard if the professor doesn’t show up for 15 minutes we can le-...’

Hyungwon: ‘You can leave whenever. Nobody’s stopping you’

*INSERT SASSY WALK AWAY*

Takes like 10 minutes to get settled before starting lecture

Carries a briefcase to class to look professional but its empty

Students fear him

His beauty AND his brains

Tells class that there will be pop quizzes

Never has a pop quiz in the entire semester

Mock trials every week

Will destroy his students during mock trials but its for their own good

‘There’s too much traffic so I’m cancelling class’

Helps students practice their law poker face by making memey faces at them

It’s part of the final

Laugh or smile is minus 10 points

During an exam he stopped everyone so he could show them a meme.

Jooheon

Teaches music appreciation

Students call him sir

He thinks its funny

One page syllabus and all you do is sign and return it

Asks his students for new music suggestions

Goes off on tangents about his life

‘Yeah, last week I adopted a new dog and his name is Bark Obama’

Will show you videos of his dog on FACEBOOK

When he goes off on tangents he stops mid story and says “why am I telling you this? I dont know”

Dances in front of the class

Will dance to anything

Gregorian chants

Clair de lune

Anything by Chopin

Always wears a hat to class bc he changes his hair color often but that’s seen as unprofessional

Is always down to sit and talk about some good songe

‘Appreciate the music’

‘Feel the music’

‘BE THE MUSIC’

Once his students walked in and he was playing All Star by Smash Mouth and he claimed it was “because if he didnt hear it now it would be stuck in his head forever"

Changkyun

Biology professor

Syllabus is riddled with biology puns

*walks into class* ‘The name’s bond. Hydrogen bond. Just kidding I’m your professor Im Changkyun’

Doesn’t know how to spell,,,,,,,,,,,,,proffesor,,,,,,,proffessor,,,,,,professor,,,,,,,,,

Sits on his desk at the front of the class while lecturing

Relates to his students

The professor you will accidentally run into on the street

Or at coachella who knows

Guaranteed to break at least one microscope or test tube during the semester

Shows the class he can rap the beginning of nicki minaj’s super bass perfectly

Won’t stop talking about his friends dog Bark Obama

Gossips about other professors

A genuinely great teacher

Cares about his students

Wants them to succeed

Wants them to thank him in their speeches when they win awards for ground breaking discoveries

‘All you have to say is I owe all I know to my old professor Im Changkyun. It’s not that hard Kenny.’

Everything went wrong at a lab once when he was a TA and he got so done he just cancelled the lab. He had no fear of getting in trouble

Has puns on his slides that nobody understands.

‘Biology is the best science. Physics and Chemistry can choke but go off I guess.’

Sometimes doesnt wear shoes in class