#i know they haven't read through an entire text book already

[greyeyedmonster-18]

(did i just turn in an assignment that's due in three weeks? yes yes I did.)

[cloudsmateria]

college roommate - leon kennedy x reader

nerdy!reader x leon kennedy

synopsis: you and leon have just started university, finding yourself in the same university visit, he comes and visits your dorm as he's been struggling in his classes. you kick it off, and you invite each other into your different, interesting lives.

words: like 4500

disclaimer: this isn't proof-read and i actually do need to proofread it and i will when i finish it, this also isn't finished. so if u don't wanna read it now and wanna come back to it when it's pristine and complete be my guest, the edit of this will be very edited like literally whole chunks of texts will be different, i just wanted to post something

content warning: kissing, bit of angst, slight smut/almost smut, sexual themes

A loud knock rings through your door, if it had come even a second later you wouldn’t have heard it at all as you were on a one-way path to passing out on top of your notes. 

“Come in.” You mumble, picking your head up off of the desk and watching as a dirt-blonde hunk of a boy you don’t recognise comes through. Maybe it’s one of the frat boys trying to get to know all the girls in his dorm house. 

“Hey. Can I ask a favour?”

“Who are you?”

"I'm Leon, I saw you in my engineering lecture the other day and you looked like you understood what was going on. Then I found out you were in my university building. So here, I am. Help. Please. I’m going to fail and we’re only 3 weeks in." His desperation makes you laugh, something you were shocked you could do in this dazed state after a mind-boggling 8 hours of completing work.

"Oh Leon, I'd love to but I think if I even think about that engineering class for another second right now I might actually drop down and die."

"It can wait, you busy right now? Other than you know, spilling drool all over your papers?”

“Yeah, I was just about to go spill some on my pillow too, I'm exhausted." You say, not entirely joking, and begin to gather your things.

“I get it.”

“We have another engineering lecture tomorrow anyway so you can just catch me then."

"You sure, though? I mean I'm already here." He shrugs and picks up a book from her bookshelf. "How do you read any of these? There are no pictures." You laugh again. 

"You're asking me how I read physics books when you take engineering… Are you sure you picked the right course? You know, you can read it if you want, and would probably benefit from it. If you can even read."

"No thanks, I'll just get you to teach it to me tomrrow. I’ll see you in a bit, Einstein.” 

"You should watch what you call me if you want me to tutor you, that’s usually not free."

"Oh, but the thing is I don't think you're actually going to make me pay for anything. You're too nice for that."

"That's a very bold statement to make to a stranger."

"You'll come round eventually."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"Can I just ask you another question? I'm not going to stop annoying you until you answer it the way I want you to."

"Go on." You sigh.

"Have you eaten today? Cause I haven't and I'm hungry."

"Leon-"

"Please."

"Okay, okay, God, you're persistent. Gonna give me a headache." You groan and sit up.

"It’s worth it, you'll need me to keep you sane later in the year."

"Oh really? You think we’re gonna stay friends that long?"

"I know you've got your nerdy brain, but I've been told I have a great personality." You can't tell if he's implying something with that disgustingly stupid joke or if he really is just an idiot. To be fair, he's funny and managed to pull you out your the room you had been hibernating in for the past few days to get ahead of work. You suppose there are worse people you could be forced to talk to.

"Whatever. Just get out of here." You push him towards the door.

"You're not going to eat with me?" You roll your eyes and lock the door, getting dressed into something that wasn't your pyjamas.

…

Now here you were, eating outside with this boy from your lectures when you had just wanted to be at home sleeping. Although it was nicer than you thought it would be, he had insisted on buying you an energy drink to keep your eyes open as you were eating in some random burger shop.

"How come you're struggling?" 

"Been going to too many parties, I've got different priorities."

"..."

"What?" He says defensively.

"Don't make me slap you. You can't be stupid because you got into this university, you're wasting your potential."

"I am not!"

"You're struggling! We're only 3 weeks in! I mean, come on, Leon."

"I don't understand what your problem is, maybe you need to live a little."

"That is rich coming from you. You're going to peak in college and fuck up the rest of your life if you ruin your chance now. And I live fine right now, I go out often enough and put the rest of my time toward my course, like a responsible human being."

"So you're boring?"

"So you're an idiot and can't plan for the future?"

"No, I'm not." He smirks. "And also, I never said I couldn't plan for the future, just that it isn't the only thing I want to focus on."

"Okay, fine, that's it. This is your problem, I'm not tutoring you."

"Got under your skin?" He smiles.

"I'm serious. You're smart if you got into this school, but you're wasting your talent partying and sleeping around."

“You’ve only known me for 20 minutes and you’ve managed to start an argument.”

“I just don’t want to waste my time. If you want me to help with assignments you need to make an effort, and if you want to be my friend, you’re also going to need to make an effort because I’m not going to care about someone who can’t even care about themselves.”

"I care about myself. Why else would I come to you for help on this?"

"Because you can't do it yourself and your friends are too stupid to ask them for help."

"No... Well... Okay fine, yeah that sounds pretty accurate. But in all honesty, I do care about my grade, that's why I'm coming to you. Now you know my intentions, I beg talk about something else, this entire conversation is reminding me of my mom."

"Like what?"

"Like, there's a party next Saturday, and I think you should come with me. You’re pretty entertaining."

"Oh, Leon. You're so clueless, it's pitiful."

"You have to go to the party, it will be fun."

"I have been to parties, I've gone to 2 since the start of the semester. But we have assignments to work on this week."

"One more little party isn't going to kill you. It'll be good, and then we can do the work."

"That's a very backward mindset." 

"You'll thank me, trust me."

"You say the reason you’re struggling is because you’re going to many parties, and immediately proceed to invite me to a party." You shake your head and laugh. “You are something else.”

“So are you coming?”

“I’ll think about it.”

… 

You and Leon had been going to the lectures together ever since, having lunch at points when he wasn’t hoarded by his friends and even managing a few study sessions into his schedule. You came 5 minutes early for the engineering lecture the next day. Flipping through the textbook notes to top up on your pre-reading beforehand, you had right at the back as Leon begged you to over text the previous night to sit there rather than the front so he’d feel comfortable sitting next to you. It doesn't take long for people to start filtering in, and eventually, that blonde-headed boy pops up next to you, leaning his head on your shoulder immediately. 

"Didn't get enough sleep last night." He mutters.

"Up studying?"

"You know me so well." 

“I'm not even going to ask what you were doing." You sigh, fully believing he had either gone clubbing or to another party last night.

"I promise you, I was studying. And you can ask me all the questions you want, I'll try my best to answer. I did go a little off track and I'm not doing well at it but your inspirational speech convinced me to try a bit."

"Really?" You ask excitedly, looking down at him. "Leon, that's great!" You feel his cheeks crease into a smile against your shoulder at your enthusiasm.

"You're more excited about it than I am, that's cute." He chuckles. "Keep talking, my head hurts, your voice helps."

"The lecture starts soon."

"Don't care." 

"I’m not going to talk over the lecturer." You say, flicking his forehead.

"It's just a lot, okay? I'm trying my best, but I might have reached my full capacity last night." He sits up and sighs, rubbing his temples.

“Welcome to university."

"Yeah, whatever. Can we go back to your room after?"

"Sure."

"Thank you."

"Of course." 

The professor finally steps into the lecture hall, and everyone quiets down, preparing for the lesson.

Halfway through, Leon couldn't help but pass out on you again. Your body went rigid, trying to make sure his head wouldn't fall off your shoulder. You pick the paper off of his desk, dragging it toward you as you start to write notes on your own and his paper so he won't miss out on anything.

He's surprisingly cute when he's not cracking annoying jokes and snapping back with snarky remarks. He was even making you lose track of the lecture a bit.

After class, you wake him up and walk him back to your dorm with him, chatting and catching him up on what he missed briefly. When you think about it, you're surprised you only met him yesterday. He feels like someone you've known since secondary school, or maybe he just treats everyone this way. Either way, you wouldn't complain about spending time with him.

"So, we're alone. What do we do?"

"Study?" You say, throwing him a pencil and paper. "Don't ask me stupid questions like that again."

"Come on, we just got out of an hour lecture, we basically already studied."

"A lecture that you slept for half of-"

"And that you caught me up on after."

"We need to make up the time. Now come on, let's work."

"But-"

"Now, Leon."

"Ugh."

…

The next hour wasn't as bad as you had expected it to be, you could still get your work done while simultaneously teaching Leon that content he missed out on. His demeanour quickly became enthusiastic when he saw how proud you were when you understood a concept, and you were genuinely impressed, he caught onto things quickly. After an hour, you both took a break sitting on your bed, him replying to some messages on his phone.

"Hey." You say, poking his arm to draw his attention.

"What?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Making the effort to try, even if it is just a little bit."

"You're definitely making more effort than me." He smiles, leaning his head on your shoulder again.

"If you want to sleep you should just go home, you must be exhausted."

"I'm not leaving you in this depressing room, I'm keeping you company."

"I’m not keeping you from anything? Your phone was blowing up a second ago I assume you have somewhere to be."

"They can wait, I want to stay around for a bit longer. I like the change for once."

"Change?"

"It's quiet, I can think for once. You’re different from the people I’m around smart and stubborn,”

“So you’re aware of the poor choice of people you hang around, you had me fooled for a while.”

“Wait I’m not done, and even after all of that, I can tell that you're a little shy which is adorable. Oh, and my favourite part is how easy you are to annoy."

"I am not."

"You're blushing right now, I can feel your cheek getting hot. Adorable."

"Don’t you even close your mouth?"

"You know I can't, come on, it's not like you mind."

"Oh my god."

"Admit it, I'm fun to be around."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Tell me what you think of me."

"What?"

"Tell me, come on. Please, I'm dying for validation."

"Well. You're nice, and I've never seen you without a smile on your face, it's refreshing.”

“A little more… I know you got it in you.”

“You're not as stupid as you make yourself out to be,. And I honestly can't tell if I'm special or if you treat everyone else this way because you make me feel way more important than I really would be for someone like you."

"You're special, trust me. And that's a stupid question to ask. Do you want a list of the people I've met? The people I’ve made friends with?"

"What?"

"I can count on one hand the real people I've managed to keep around and one of those is my dog. Don't worry about that, because I know you’re gonna be on that list too. I know you think that I have so many friends and I'm surrounded by people all the time, but they're all fake. They're just fun for parties and clubbing when you have nothing else to do."

"But-"

"It's true." He looks at you, his expression becoming serious for the first time since you've met him. "And I've got to tell you, you're different."

"Different?"

"Yeah, you're interesting. You're not fake, and you're actually doing something with your life."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that, I think you’ve just surrounded yourself with one particular type of person, and now you’re shocked when you meet someone who’s not an idiot."

"Come on, I've seen the work you've done in these past 24 hours. You were working for at least 25 of them.” 

"You know how to flatter me."

"That's another reason why you should hang out with me more."

"Oh, and why's that?"

"I'm not afraid to admit how much I like you, Einstein. Makes you feel good, doesn’t it?"

"I can't even think about what I should say to that." You say, laughing and burying your head in your hands. "God, you're a mess."

“I suppose, yeah. You’re changing that though.” He lifts your chin up to face him, smiling at your red cheeks. “See? So cute.”

"Why do you have to keep saying things like that?"

"Because you react this way." He grins.

"I hate you."

"Let me ask you something again. Are you going to go to the party on Saturday?"

"I don’t think so."

“Since I’ve got the chance, I think I can change your mind.” He smiles and pulls your face a little closer, close enough for him to feel your shallow breaths against his lips.

"I-" You can't find any words, you're stunned. He's gorgeous, and you can't deny that, but the idea of kissing him feels wrong, you can't do it. Not right now. The thought of getting with someone you're starting to have feelings for is setting off alarm bells, the alarm bells imprinted by your bad experiences from secondary school of guys playing with your emotions. No matter how much your heart is screaming you want to, your mind is screaming no. 

"You're gonna go with me right?" He whispers.

"Okay." You say hoarsely, your legs desperately pressed together.

"Good girl." He smiles, getting up and putting his shoes on. "I'll see you on Saturday." He says, before leaving.

"I'm screwed." You mutter.

… 

Saturday finally rolled around. You weren't even sure how much time you spent with Leon the day before, but you knew you wanted more.  This was starting to become a concern for you. You remember last year, when you were hurt so bad you pledged to never fall for someone again. You can't do this, not with him. You know Leon is exactly that kind of guy, he’s charming, an athlete, with too many friends for his own good, someone who has no reason to be associated with you unless he wanted something, and was patient when it came to getting it. 

And yet, here you were, wearing a simple little black dress and the heels Leon said would match. You pray that the feelings are cut off here, hopefully he sees you as just a friend and just likes to tease. But a little part of you has a sliver of hope that maybe this is real.

Leon came to pick you up from your room, as he was only a floor away. When you opened the door you were met with Leon dressed in a black bottom down with the top two buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up which definitely made you feel some kind of way.

"Leon, hi." You say, overly aware of the fabric hugging your skin, you rarely wore tight clothes. 

"Wow." His eyes were stuck to everything that wasn't your face.

"Hey! My eyes are on my face, not my chest."

"I know."

"Leon!"

"Just admiring the view." You ended up crossing your arms to try and hide a bit of your figure.

"Can you stop looking?"

"You look great, don't worry." He says.

"Whatever."

"No, I'm serious. I mean it, you look amazing. Just relax and have fun, okay?"  He puts his arm around your waist, pulling you close. "You look hot. And it's only going to get better. Just try to have a good time, I'll be by your side the whole time.”

"I've been to a party before, you don't need to baby me."

"I know it’s just this one is a big one. They always end in a mess. I've had a couple of close calls with the police."

"That's not what I'm worried about." I'm worried about what I might end up doing with you, she thinks.

"Just tell me if anything makes you uncomfortable and we can go." He smiles and leads you out of the dorm building and into the street.

"How far is it?"

"Only a few minutes away." He says, leading you along the sidewalk.

The walk wasn't too far, it was about 20 minutes of you both drinking from a wine bottle for some pre-game. Time seemed to fly by as you came to the house. Whoever was hosting this party, probably one of Leon's friends no doubt, was rich. The house was huge and the whole thing was vibrating with the music that blasted through it.

"We're here."

"I think it’s going to collapse.."

"Wait until you see inside." He grabs your hand and drags you in, the house packed. You didn't recognise anyone and felt a little intimidated as Leon led you through the crowd of people, pushing them aside. You couldn't believe there were this many students in the town.

He stops at the kitchen, handing you a drink. You hadn't gone to a party this big before, and that was voluntary, this was just too much. You drink it in one to hopefully get you drunk enough to gain a bit of confidence and hand it back to Leon for it to get refilled.

"I didn't know there were this many people here."

"There's usually a lot." He smiles, handing her another drink. "Don't worry, I'll be with you the whole night. You take a shot before starting to sip on the more tame drink Leon had gotten. 

"What do you want to do first?"

"Let’s go find some of my friends.He says, taking your hand and dragging you through the sea of people, most likely dancing, grinding, or drinking.

He pulls you into the living room, finding his friends from one of the lectures and joining in on their conversation. You're introduced and you talk with them, they're all quite funny and sweet. You were happy to have found a fun little group.

The rest of the night is spent with them, the five of you getting progressively drunker and drunker and talking about more and more stupid shit before someone suggests the group should go and dance, you immediately go and hide behind Leon. 

"Dancing is definitely not my thing." You whisper.

"You have to come."

"No way."

"Please." He says, looking into your eyes.

"Why?"

"I want you to."

"Leon."

"If you hate it, I'll make it up to you. Please." He whispers, and you sigh, giving in. "I know you'll enjoy it." He smiles and leads her by the hand into the living room where everyone is.

"Everyone's too drunk to be paying any attention anyway." He says, and the group joins in on the dance. 

After a few more drinks the alcohol started to hit.

"Isn't so bad, is it?" He says after the first few minutes, watching you find your rhythm.

"No, it's fun."

"See, told you."

"Don't let it go to your head, I'm just drunk."

He smiles, spinning you so your back is pressed against his, the two of you continue to dance. He leans down and kisses your shoulder, wrapping his arms around your waist and grinding into you.

"Leon-"

"It's hard to control myself with you, almost kissed you that time I convinced you to come to this party, could tell you weren’t sure though."

"Because I thought we were just friends."

"That never lasts long, does it? Did you really think it was going to stay that way forever?" He says, running his hand down your thigh.

"We're drunk." You mumble, leaning your head back onto his shoulder. God, you wanted it. You were trying with everything you had to rationalise with yourself. He knew what he was doing.

"That doesn't change the fact that you're irresistible. And that's not the alcohol talking. I've been wanting to do this for a while."

 He smirks, spinning her back around to face him and lifting you up, your legs wrapping around his waist.

"Let's go upstairs,"

"Leon-"

"Shh." He puts a finger over her lips and leads her away, finding the stairs and walking up. “Stop doubting yourself. One thing about you is that you always say no, or doubt yourself, let’s change that for once.”

He takes you to the first room he finds, happening to be a bathroom, opening the door and stepping in, kicking it closed and locking it. He sets you down and starts to kiss you, the alcohol making it a lot more forceful than usual. You kiss back, letting him guide you and set the pace, his hands sliding over her body. 

"You're so fucking beautiful." He mutters, his lips trailing down to your neck. You feel the pressure of his hands pushing you backwards. Your back hits the counter, he lifts you up and settles himself between your thighs.

"Leon-"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure? About me?"

"Yes." He smiles, lifting his head. "Now stop doubting yourself, will you? You're too perfect for that." If you were sober, your mind would've had red lights blaring, trying to protect you, but the alcohol flattened out all thoughts. A hint of doubt crossed your mind instinctually. But his touch is so good, and he's making you feel things that you haven't in a long time.

"I-"

"Come on, tell me how much you want me."

"I really like you, Leon. It's just...I have this feeling that I'll get hurt."

"What are you so afraid of? What can I do to change your mind?" He whispers. "I'll do anything for you." He says, pulling your head down to kiss him. The sweet nothings bring back some bad memories, it's starting to feel a bit like deja vu.

"I've been hurt before, Leon."

"What's his name? I'll kick his ass."

"It was in high school, but it happened too many times."

"You have to stop thinking, just focus on me, okay?"

"Leon."

"Come on." He sighs, pressing a finger to your lips. "I won't let anything bad happen to you. I don't want to lose something because someone in your past ruined everything for you, okay?"

"I don't know."

He sighs. "Do you wanna head home ?"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not upset. Come on, I'll take you back."

"I didn't mean to ruin the night."

"No, I'm not letting you leave thinking you ruined it. I'm sure a million more parties are happening this week if you feel so bad."

"I'm a mess, Leon. Why do you even like me? I'm not worth it."

"Of course you are." He says, cupping your cheek."You're the only person I can stand to be around for hours while sober. And you can't argue with that."

"Okay."

"I'll get us out of here and you can crash in my room."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Now come on, we're leaving." 

...

The taxi ride home was short and sweet,  but still awkward. You were scared he'd be mad at you for ending the night so abruptly, but when you got into the room he made sure to put his arm around you, whispering reassurement into your ear, stroking your hair.

"You don't have to worry. I'm not angry."

"Really?"

"I don't blame you for wanting to wait."

"It's just, the last time-"

"I'm not him, you can trust me. I've been trying to prove that to you."

"I think... Maybe I can learn to trust you."

"You will, eventually." He says, holding his arms open, gesturing for her to cuddle with him.

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

You cuddle him for a bit, the silence being cut by the sound of the two of you breathing. Leon leans down to kiss capture your lips softly, it feels a lot easier to kiss him back, pressing your body against him.

"I don't know why anyone would ever hurt you." He whispers between kisses. "You're perfect." He runs his fingers through your hair.

"I don't know about that."

"I don't know why you doubt yourself either. Go to sleep, you'll feel better in the morning."

[gretavangroupie]

Vigilance (Chapter 1)

Word count: 9.8k+

Pairings: Sam Kiszka, Jake Kiszka, Female Reader

Warnings: 18+ as always, language, angst, fluff.

A/N: This story is a very special collaboration with my best pal @gretavanmoon. We have been scheming on this one for a while... If you haven't read her stuff, definitely go check it out. If you have, even better! We are taking this one all the way back to the early days, but we will be going into the present, so hold on tight it will be a bumpy ride. Without further ado...

September 2013

You fidget nervously at your desk, waiting to hear who your assigned partner would be for the History project. School only started a few weeks ago, and you had hardly made friends with anyone in your classes yet. There were a few familiar faces that came with you from middle school, but no one that you really considered to be a friend.

High school was different. Everything was much more fast paced, people were louder, and meaner. You spent the last few weeks acclimating to the change of environment and learning your schedule, which brings you to third period History class.

As you listen to your teacher read off the names of the assigned partners you hold your breath as she reaches your name. 

“Your partner for the semester is Samuel Kiszka.” 

Sam? 

He looks over at you and gives you a soft grin. You can barely see his eyes behind his swooping brown hair. You can see the outline of his braces under his lips as he gives you a soft wave in acknowledgement of his assignment. You smile back and nod your head. 

You wouldn’t say that you and Sam are friends, but you have known him for a long time. Your parents are best friends with his parents and they have been since highschool. There have been many times that the Kiszka’s would spend New Years Eve at your house, or you at theirs. Fourth of July was always spent at the Kiszka’s and even sometimes Thanksgiving. You grew up around the guys, but you never really saw them outside of the holidays. 

When the teacher called out Sam’s name, it was almost a relief. Now you wouldn’t have to spend the entire semester getting to know someone you didn’t choose yourself. You already knew Sam, just superficially. 

As the bell for the end of class rang, you collected up your books and zipped them into your backpack. As you stood up, Sam approached your desk, “Hey partner!” he smiled. 

Looking up at him nervously, you replied “Hey Sam!”

“I’m kind of glad we are partners,” he said, “I don’t really know anyone else yet.”

“I thought the same thing!” you say, reaching in your bag and pulling out a piece of scrap paper. You quickly scribble your number onto the strip and cap your pen. “Here is my number, so that we can start to plan. Seems like it's going to be a huge project.” 

He smiles, and accepts the paper from your fingers. “Cool. I’ll text you later about it. Be thinking of ideas.” he says, nodding his head and walking off. 

Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. 

Thinking of topics for the project proved challenging. You were tasked with explaining the history of a modern day object. It could be anything. You spent a lot of the day thinking of things that were interesting and had a cool history behind them. 

As you sat down at a table for lunch that day you began to unpack the lunch your mom made for you. One or two girls from your previous class sat around you and you talked mindlessly about the pep rally coming up and the football game on Friday. As you zoned out, you noticed Sam. He was sitting at a table with one of his friends who you knew as Danny. They were typical teenage boys, cutting up and cracking jokes. His eyes caught yours and he flashed you a smile, before quickly turning his attention back to Danny. Throughout the rest of the lunch you caught each other's eyes a few more times, but just small glances. He had kind eyes and you could tell he was a good person. Maybe you would get to know him better through this project. 

–

That night as you are studying your Economics book to prepare for the test tomorrow, your phone vibrates on your desk.

Unknown: Hey it’s Sam

Oh, that was quick. I half expected him to lose the paper.

You: Hey Sam!

You quickly add his number to your contacts just as he replies.

Sam: Do you have any ideas for the project?

You: Yeah I do! I was thinking maybe we could do something music related since you are all into that now.

Sam: I’d love that, but are you sure?

You: Yeah, it will be fun and easy. Maybe we can do the evolution of the guitar or something?

Sam: That would be awesome. I always knew you were cool.

You: Lol, thanks…

Sam: Do you want to come to my house tomorrow and we can start on it?

You: You don’t have something better to do on a Friday night?

Sam: Nah, just mess around and play music in the garage like usual. Plus if we get this done we don't have to worry about it the rest of the semester.

You: Good point.

Sam: My brother can drive us to my house if your mom will pick you up later?

You: Sounds good!

–

Much of the next day at school is spent researching between classes and checking out library books about guitars, something you know nothing about. By the time the final bell rang you had consumed so much information about guitars that you felt like you could probably play one if you picked it up. As you walked to the Senior parking lot you heard Sam call your name from behind. You turn around to face him and he runs up to you.

“Hey!” he says, out of breath.

“Hey, are you ready to go?” you ask, clutching the stack of library books in your arms..

“Yeah, I think Jake's car is in the back. We are always late in the morning.” he says annoyed.

You shrug your shoulders and smile. His eyes flick down to the books in your arms, “I’ll carry those.” he says, reaching for the stack.

“Oh, it’s okay, I’ve got it.” you reply nervously. You’ve never had anyone offer to carry your books, and you can feel yourself blushing.

“No, no, I insist.” he says, grabbing the hefty stack from your hands.

“Thanks.” you say with a soft smile and he gives you a side smile back.

He starts to walk to the back of the parking lot and once you arrive at the car you see Jake leaning against the car, waiting, and clearly very annoyed. He looks a lot different than you remember him. His hair has grown out and his clothing style has changed.

He cuts his eyes at Sam, “You’re late….” his eyes look down to the books in Sam’s arms. “Carrying her books, a nice touch brother.” 

“Shut up Jake.” Sam quips back.

Jake's eyes flash to you, widening slightly as he looks at you. His mouth starts to move as if he is going to say something, but he stops himself and purses his lips together, giving you one last glance as he turns on his heels to get into the car. 

You swallow nervously at the awkward exchange, and get into the backseat of the messy sedan. Sam throws his stuff into the back seat next to you and shuts the door, opting for the front seat. 

The drive to their house is short and you’re thankful. Something about Jake’s presence is making you uneasy. You have a swirling feeling in your stomach and a dry mouth. This is only further accentuated by his glances through the rear view mirror. He is studying you, but why?

You quickly look away, embarrassed that he caught you looking back. A small smirk crosses his lips. Sam looks at him with a puzzled look before looking away and turning the radio up.

A few minutes later you are pulling into the driveway of their house. A house you have visited many times before, but never without the buffer of your parents. You get out and shut the door, watching Sam and Jake gather their things before joining you on the front porch. Jake unlocks the door and you all pile inside. He looks at Sam and then to you. His eyes linger for just a moment, before he heads upstairs and the bedroom door closes.

“Has he always been this weird and I never noticed?” you jokingly ask Sam.

He gives you a strange look and shakes his head, “I don’t know what his deal is. Sorry about that.”

“Oh I don’t mind, all good.” you say dismissively. But you do mind, and you will be thinking about that look in the car, for the foreseeable future.

You and Sam spend the next several hours spread out on his living room floor, laying out books, papers, articles and notebooks with research and information, trying to create a timeline. You have created a solid outline for the paper portion of the project, but will have to put in more work on the actual poster board set up and model, as well as actually writing the paper. As you finish outlining the final section of the paper, you hear Jake coming down the stairs and you both turn your heads to look at him. 

Your blood runs cold when you realize he is shirtless. It feels almost wrong to see him like this. You turn away quickly focusing back on the books in front of you. When he makes his way into the kitchen you release a sigh of relief that you hope Sam didn’t notice. As you continue to work, the image of his bare chest flashes through your brain. You push him away and refocus.

A few minutes later he walks into the living room and positions himself on the couch watching the two of you with a smug look as he scrolls on his phone mindlessly.

“What do you want? Go away.” Sam says aggressively.

“Mom said they will be home late and that I need to ‘supervise’ you.” Jake replies smugly with air quotes.

“Supervise? Supervise what?” Sam asks, practically yelling.

Just as Jake went to answer, the front door flew open. Josh waltzes into the living room loudly announcing his arrival. 

“Honey, I’m hooooome!” he exclaims.

He sees you on the floor next to Sam with Jake on the couch, and raises an eyebrow as he hangs his coat on the little metal hook by the door.

He looks over to you with a smile, “Hey! What are you doing here? I haven't seen you in forever! How are you liking highschool?” he asks. He has always been the more talkative one of the twins. He always made a point to have a conversation with you at every gathering, Jake not so much.

“Hey Josh! We are partners for History class this semester. We are working on our project. And… highschool is highschool. Nothing to report just yet.” you reply with a laugh.

“Well give it time, good to see you!” he says, bounding up the stairs. 

You look over to Sam who shrugs his shoulders and you can't help but feel Jake's eyes burning into the side of your head. 

“Do you mind if I get a glass of water?” you ask Sam.

“No go ahead.” he says, continuing to write the thought he was having, down onto the paper.

You stand and make your way into the kitchen, opening the cabinet that you know you’ll find the glasses in, and walking over to the fridge. 

You open the door to grab the pitcher and pour the cold water into the glass. As you shut the door you are shocked to find Jake standing a few feet away leaning against the counter. 

Your eyes widen as they connect with him. Your eyes travel the length of his body up and down, taking in the changes that have happened since the last time you saw him. Suddenly you are seeing him in a whole new way. The glow of the fluorescent lights casting a soft shadow on the dips and curves of his abs. His shaggy brown hair hangs in his eyes as he crosses his feet. He is…attractive. Not something you would have ever thought you would think about a Kiszka boy. Having practically grown up together you thought you would always just see them as brothers. That is apparently not the case. 

You realize that you are staring and quickly look away, only to hear him chuckling under his breath. You take a drink out of your glass and nervously walk over to the sink. Your heart is beating fast at your sudden realization of how your body is reacting to his presence. 

He walks over and leans his upper body onto the counter next to you. “Why’re you breathing so heavy?” he asks with a smug grin.

“Drank too fast.” you reply, looking up at him.

“Hmm.” he says, pushing off the counter and walking back into the living room. 

You set your glass in the sink and just stare at it for a second.

Oh god, he totally knows. 

Returning to the living room, you rejoin Sam on the floor and continue to work. About an hour later the doorbell rings.

“Oh yeah, Mom ordered pizza.” Jake says, getting up to answer the door. He collects the boxes and tips the driver before walking to the kitchen. 

“You hungry?” Sam asks.

“Yeah, I could eat.” you reply with a smile. 

He smiles back and extends his hand to help you off of the floor. You make your way into the kitchen and stand around the island as Jake takes plates out of the cabinet. 

“Hey can you go tell Josh there's food?” Jake asks Sam.

Sam rolls his eyes and trudges up the stairs. You swallow thickly, realizing you are yet again left alone with Jake. He opens the box and looks up at you. 

You immediately look down at your hands and again you hear him laugh.

“Why do you keep doing that?” you ask in an annoyed tone.

“Doing what?” he replies.

“Waiting for me to look at you and then laughing when I look away.” you respond.

He gives you a side smile, “Because…you get all nervous and blush. It’s cute. I think you have a crush on me.”

“No I don’t!” you reply with a bright red face.

“It’s okay if you do. I wouldn’t be mad.” he replies, handing you an empty plate with a smug look.

Before you can say anything, Sam and Josh bound into the kitchen and are so loud that it breaks the tension between you and Jake. 

Thank god.

As Josh and Sam begin to tear into the boxes, Jake raises his voice, “Hey!” and everyone stops and stares at him. Returning his voice to a normal tone he continues, “Ladies first guys, come on.”

If your face were any more red you would turn into a tomato. You quickly walk over and grab 2 slices, and find a seat at the table. You sit just staring at your plate trying to process everything that just happened. 

How does he know I think he’s cute?

Why didn’t I deny it again? Now he probably thinks it’s true!

The rest of the guys join around the table and begin their conversations. Jake is sitting across from you and you have done remarkably well not looking at him one time. You can tell he notices too. 

As Josh asks about your History project, Sam starts to explain your selected topic. As you listen in on all of the research he is talking about you feel something slide across your foot, and you instantly know what it is. You face flames red again and you see a small, hardly noticeable smile cross Jake's lips. 

You pull your leg back so that the contact is lost. Josh asks you what you know about guitars and you tell him that you know absolutely nothing about them. You have never even held one. You grab your glass of water taking a sip as Josh responds.

“You know, Jake could probably teach you a few things if you were interested.” he says, and you nearly choke. The water has slipped past your throat in just the wrong way. 

You feel his foot slide across the side of your ankle, and you try to gain your composure. 

“Yeah, you just call me if you’re interested.” he says with a side smile.

You know his words mean something different than what Josh intended and your heart starts to beat quickly as his eyes stare into yours.

Throughout the rest of the dinner, you feel his foot twisting with yours trying to get your attention but you do your best to ignore him. What does he want from me anyways?

You all finish up and pile your plates in the sink and you and Sam return back to the living room to keep working. Josh and Jake are in the kitchen cleaning up as the doorbell rings. 

“I’ll get it!” Sam yells out, and he walks to the door, opening it to reveal Danny.

You knew Sam and Danny were best friends, they had been since school started a few weeks ago. They were always together.

“Crap, I forgot to text you. I’m trying to get this History project done so we don’t have to worry about it.” he says, letting Danny in the door.

“Hi Danny.” You say standing up to greet him. He returns the hello and turns back to Sam, “I can go. No big deal.”

Sam looks conflicted, and turns to you, “Do you think we have done enough for today?” he asks. You can tell he doesn’t want Danny to leave.

“Yeah, I think we have a really good head start. I just need to text my mom to come get me, and I’ll be out of your hair.” you say pulling your phone from your pocket. 

“Well, we are just gonna play some music in the garage, you can stay if you want to?” he says.

“Oh, it’s Friday night, I don’t want to intrude on your plans…” you say.

Jake comes into the living room from around the corner, “Think of it like research for your project. Need to see one in action if you’re gonna try and write about it, right?” he says with a smirk.

Smooth…

You look at Sam who is shrugging and nodding his head in agreement.

You bite your lips inward and turn back to Jake, “Okay, just for a little bit. I do want to see you play – I mean, I want to see all of you play – I didn’t mea–” you stammer, stumbling over your words. You actually aren’t sure what you meant, but you think it was probably close to the first thing. 

“Cool…” he replies with a smug grin.

Jake places a hand on your shoulder and lets it slide across the top of your back as he makes his way upstairs. You shove your phone back into your pocket and take a deep breath. 

“You can follow us out the garage, but grab your jacket, there’s no heat.” he says, waving his hand to follow after him.

You follow him and Danny out the side door and into the stand alone garage at the end of the gravel path. He turns on the fluorescent lights that start to buzz as they warm up. You see a drum kit, a bass and an electric guitar all hooked up to amps and you turn to look at Sam, “When did all this happen? This wasn’t here last time I was here!” you ask, surprised.

“We kinda got serious about it over the summer. We are gonna try and make a go of it I think. We have some songs worked up, and Danny is our new drummer.” he answers.  You sit down on the old faded red couch and cross your legs. A few minutes later the door opens and Jake and Josh come in to join you. Josh sits next to you on the couch as Jake throws the guitar strap over his shoulder. He has on a hoodie now, but that doesn't stop you from picturing how he looked in the kitchen earlier. Almost as if he knew what you were thinking a smile flashed across his lips as he turned on the amp. Hearing his guitar roar to life you feel a spark travel through you. He is so concentrated and the way his hands are moving across the strings is bringing back that swirling feeling from earlier. He is in his element, and he wanted you to see it.

For the next hour they played to an audience of just you, Josh eventually getting up to join them for a few covers. You didn’t even know Josh could sing. You’re actually glad you stayed. They sound good, better than you expected, and it's nice to actually be doing something other than homework on a Friday night. 

Bouncing your foot along with the music you look at each of the guys, examining their hands and the movements they are making to create the sounds you are hearing. You find your gaze fixed upon Jake and his hands, far longer than any of the others. When you realize and look up you see his eyes trained on you, watching you just as intently as you were watching him. He nods his head in a come here motion, and you reel back slightly. What?

“Come here,” he speaks out.

You stand nervously and approach him. He slings the guitar strap over his head before placing it over your shoulder. It hangs heavily around your neck, as he smiles. “Okay, grab the neck,” he says, picking up your hand and placing it on the frets, “and this arm…” he says, pulling it through the strap, “Rests here. There, now you have held a guitar.” he smiles. 

The feeling of his hands on your body in any capacity is enough to send your nervous system into overdrive. You feel like you might faint, but quickly reel it in. He walks around to the front of the guitar and places your fingers on the strings in a specific pattern. 

“Okay, hold those there. It might hurt a little but it will go away.” he says, pulling the dark green guitar pick out of his teeth and handing it to you. “Okay take this and strum the strings.” 

You do as he says and the note rings out. A smile crosses your face and his. You cant help but notice the shine in his eyes. A look of pride. 

“Hey! You did it! You’ll be replacing Jake in no time!” Josh jokes from his stool. You look over to Sam who has an annoyed look on his face. 

“Jake, isn’t your girlfriend coming over or something…” Sam asks pointedly.

Jake doesn’t answer, but he steps backwards from you, realizing the way things must look.

Your eyes flick back to him and you notice his face is red and you try to break the tension, “Thanks, I feel like I am definitely qualified to write about this now.” you joke, removing the strap from around your neck and handing the guitar back to him. Your hand brushes his in the exchange and you feel that spark again. 

As you make your way back to the couch you pull your phone from your pocket and send a quick text to your mom letting her know she could come pick you up. You spend the next twenty minutes watching them play and goof around with different songs. When she texts you that she is here, you stand up and zip your coat to prepare to leave. 

“Are you going?” Jake is the first to ask, and you see a look cross his face that must be embarrassment that he has come across eager. 

“Yeah, my mom is here, so I need to get my things from inside.” you say.

“I’ll walk you inside.” Sam says, quickly throwing his bass onto the stand. You see Jake's mouth open, but he closes it and steps back biting his cheek.

What was he going to say?

“Thanks for letting me stay and hang out with you guys! Can’t wait until you’re headlining an arena some day” you laugh, waving at all of them and stepping over the threshold of the door. You close the door gently behind you peering through the pane of glass to see Jake giving you his own version of goodbye with his eyes.  

-

As you lay in your bed that night the memory of your impromptu guitar lesson played through your head, closely followed by a pair of piercing brown eyes willing you to stay just a little longer. Against your will and better judgment you fall asleep that night thinking about Jake Kiszka. 

-

The next several Fridays were spent at the Kiszka house. Your parents were thrilled that you had formed a friendship with the guys and his parents had extended an open invitation for your welcome into their home whenever you wanted. Fridays turned into Saturdays which turned into going to hangout with Sam most days after school. You and Sam had become extremely close friends, even after the project was all said and done Freshman year. You and Sam even went to prom together Junior year. At a certain point you thought Sam might have feelings for you, but when you started dating Michael Carvey later that year, that suspicion went away. By summer of Senior year, Michael was but a passing memory and you and Sam were closer than ever. Their band actually had taken off. They were on the path to even record an EP. You had never been happier for them. You had seen first hand just how hard they worked to get there. You even helped Sam pass Calculus so that his parents would let him go play bar gigs in Detroit til 2AM. He was your best friend, and you would do anything for him. You just wanted to see him succeed, and he was. 

While Sam never truly came out with his feelings for you after Michael, you knew. He knew. It was unspoken. You spent practically all of your time with him, but you didn’t feel that way about him. But what he didn’t know, and what you could never tell him was why. It would ruin your friendship. It was Jake, and it had been since that day in the garage. You thought that he was just your first real crush, and that when you had a boyfriend that feeling would go away. But it didn’t. Throughout the years it was a look here, or a touch there. He would say or do something, anything to keep you hanging on and it worked. You both knew it. But you also both knew nothing could ever come of it. You couldn’t do that to Sam. As the years passed you grew distant from Jake as he and Josh went off to college. You and Sam grew closer and now Senior year was drawing to a close. 

May 2017

“Hello?” you answered your phone.

“Hey… did they tell you?” Sam asked.

“Who? Tell me what?” you ask.

“Our parents think they are sneaky and are throwing us a surprise Graduation party” he says with a sigh.

“Oh, well I guess it's not a surprise now, huh?” you laugh.

“I hate surprises!” he says, “I only found out because I heard my mom talking to Josh on the phone.”

“Oh, is Josh coming home for this?” you ask, knowing that if Josh was going, Jake wouldn’t be too far behind. 

“Yeah I think they both are. Lucky us…” he says in an annoyed tone.

“Yeah, well, let's just get through the actual graduation before we worry about the party, okay?” you ask.

“Alright, talk to you later.” he says hanging up.

You throw your phone onto your bed and bring your hand to your chest. 

You haven't seen Jake in months. A feeling of anxiety washes over you at the thought. You have kept up with him on social media but he hasn’t been home when you’ve gone to hang out with Sam lately. They just finalized their EP and he and Josh have been in Detroit working on the tour schedule. You got into U of M  for the fall term and you are so excited you can hardly wait. Sam decided against college, following after Jake. He wants to see where the band will take him, knowing that if he decides to stop the band, college will still be an option. You disagree with his choice, but he is your best friend and you will support him with whatever he decides. Danny did the same, shortly followed by Josh dropping out of U of M. Jake only attended the first year of college, deciding that his band was his dream. They were going to make it, you just had a feeling.

 -

A few days later as you are putting on your graduation dress, you stop and look at yourself in the mirror. You remember standing in this exact spot the day you started highschool, wondering who you would be, and what you would look like in four years. A lot has changed since that moment. You have filled out, become more of a woman than a young girl. You are smart, 5th in your class. You have a partial scholarship to your top choice college and a whole bright future ahead of you. You have had a few boyfriends, a few different hair styles and a few friends come and go. But one thing has remained constant in those passing four years. The forbidden and undeniable tug in your heart for Jake. 

You stand up pushing the thought from your mind as you grab your cap and gown and head downstairs to meet your parents. They think they have pulled a fast one on you with this whole surprise party, and you let them believe it. You know they are going to miss you terribly when you leave for college. 

Hours later as you strut across the stage to accept your diploma, you notice a face in the crowd that tugs on that heartstring once again. You wondered if he would be here. He looks different now, his hair longer, grown out to the tops of his shoulders. His face more structured and defined, his eyes somehow darker and more brooding. His lips, more plump and inviting.  

Stop, this is not his moment. 

As the Principal hands you your diploma you exit the stage and take your seat. You are proud of your accomplishments and who you have become, and you find yourself wondering if he is too.

-

As you pull into the driveway at the Kiszka house, you see cars lined up all up and down the streets, in typical Kiszka fashion they have invited the whole town. As your family makes their way inside everyone rushes towards you and congratulates you on your achievement. You spend the next 20 minutes greeting everyone and thanking them for coming and for all of their support over the past few years. As your parents get tangled up in conversation you make your way to the kitchen to see if you can sneak yourself a drink. As you step into the kitchen he's there. Standing. Waiting. Almost as if he knew this would be your first stop. A soft side smile crosses his face as he extends a red solo cup to you. You smile and take it, taking a sip and you nearly choke.

“What in the world is this?” you say disgusted.

“A little bit of everything. You better get used to it, college girl.” he says playfully.

You roll your eyes with a smile and take another sip, knowing it's only a matter of time until you’re whisked away by another family member. 

“I didn’t think you would come. Haven’t seen you in a while.” you say casually.

“You thought I would miss this?” he asks, almost as if you’d hurt him.

“I don’t know… You have just been busy, with the EP and all…” you trail off.

He pushes off the counter and looks behind him, before bringing a hand to the side of your face, rubbing his thumb over your cheek bone. He pauses for a second, just looking at you.

“You’re so beautiful.” he says, his hand sliding off your face, and down your arm. His fingertips graze yours as he turns and walks away.

JAKE POV

You had to go. You had to get out of there. You walk out of the kitchen, the smell of her perfume still lingering in your nose. You can smell it on your hand. The hand that touched her perfectly soft face, just seconds ago. You knew if you stood there for one second longer it would be over. Everything you have fought for years, gone in an instant. You would kiss her, and it would ruin everything. So instead you left her there, with the only thing that you could force out of your mouth. 

‘You’re so beautiful.’

And god, was she. That was just the tip of the iceberg. She always was. Even that day so long ago, sprawled out on your living room floor next to Sam. You haven't let that day slip from your mind even once. She was the prettiest thing you’d ever seen. You felt compelled to be near her. You couldn’t stay away.

It’s been four years, and with each passing day you watched her change and grow and turn into the beautiful woman that was standing in front of you, and even after all this time and everything that has happened between you, you still can’t have her. 

You remember the day Sam told you that he liked her. It was just a few short weeks after that night in the garage. You were crushed, but he could never know that. You knew you could never have her, simply because he wanted her. She was his best friend. It was forbidden. So you watched from afar, wishing it was you laughing with her on the phone each night. Texting her the funny things that happened in your day, or just hanging out and going to movies together. Anything with her. But it wasn’t you. It was Sam. The worst part of it all, was knowing she didn’t feel the same for him, and trying to help him see it himself. 

You both knew it would never be more than stolen glances, and secrets. Even if you both wanted it. There would always be Sam.

-

Stepping back into your bedroom you shut the door, and walk over to your dresser. You open the tiny wooden box on top and dig out the joint you rolled earlier in the day, thanking yourself for thinking ahead. You put it in the front pocket of your shirt, along with a lighter. You close the box and glance over to the card sitting on your desk. You have been debating on whether or not you were going to give it to her all day. You look away and walk back to the door, twisting the knob and leaving the room. 

The party is starting to die down, a lot of your parents' friends have already left, but a few linger still. You join your siblings and friends in the basement, knowing that she will be down there. You run your fingers through your hair quickly, and take a deep breath as you head down the steps. Everyone is hanging out, lounging on the couches and chairs, even a few people are spread across the floor. You see her on the couch next to Sam and you look away as you go to sit next to Josh on the floor. He is right in the middle of telling a story in his usual overly animated style. You never really understood how he did that. You were never good at storytelling. 

You lean back on your arms and cross your legs in front of you. You look around the room and your eyes meet hers. She bites her lip into her mouth as she looks at you. You wished she wouldn’t do that. You find yourself thinking of how her lips would feel between your own teeth. It wouldn’t be the first time you thought of it, however. Her eyes dart away from yours as Sam begins to speak. 

Your eyes move down her body, focusing on the light reflecting off of her bare legs. They look so smooth, they are practically shining, even in the dim lighting of the basement. You force yourself to look away, and start a side conversation with Josh, but the whole time all you think about is her and how she looked at you in the kitchen. How she has always looked at you.

You have purposefully stayed away from her for the past few months. You couldn’t trust yourself, and you have thankfully been busy with the EP and planning the tour. You have spent a lot of time in Detroit and have scarcely been home. But that didn't mean you weren’t thinking of her. She was always there. 

Everytime you would come home you would hope she was there hanging out with Sam, just wanting one glance from her to hold you over another few weeks. But she wasn’t. So when your mom called and asked if you could come home for Sam’s graduation, you didn’t hesitate to jump in your car and head home immediately. You knew she would be there, and here she was, even more beautiful than the last time you saw her.

Knowing that you needed to get her out of your head you stand up and walk back upstairs, making your way to the back porch. You position yourself on the old wicker patio set in the corner and pull the tightly rolled joint from your shirt pocket.

Placing your feet on the table in front of you, you block the wind and light the end of the joint. 

Taking a long drag you breathe in as deeply as your lungs can take and let it slip slowly past your lips.

You tilt your head back onto the chair and stare up at the night sky, counting each star and trying to pick out the patterns you recognize. A smile crosses your face as you find the little dipper. It always makes you think of her. Her sophomore year, Fourth of July. You pointed it out to her. Somehow she had never seen it. It was the first time you held her, trying to position her the right way to be able to see it. You never wanted it to end. Her hand gripped yours tightly when she saw it, it was perfect. Ever since that night you always think of her when you see it. You can always find it. It’s always there. Just like her, in your heart.

A low rumble sounds through the house as you hear Sam and Danny playing around with a guitar in the basement. Typically you would join in, but tonight you are perfectly fine right here staring up at the stars imagining what if. Just far enough away to clear your mind but still close to her. You can feel her near you. After a few minutes you hear the door open and tilt your head to see who it is. You sit up a little when you see that it's her. You knew she would come looking for you. She always does and you’re always waiting. 

She walks over and sits in the chair next to you crossing her legs on the table just like yours. You both just look at each other, no words needed to be said. This was a familiar occurrence between the two of you. Many times over the years you have found yourself in this exact spot sharing a joint together, each time as if no time has passed at all. No talking, just being together, existing in the same space. But tonight was different.  

Your eyes flick to hers, and you pass it to her, her nimble fingers taking it from yours. You watch as she presses the paper to her lips inhaling and closing her eyes as she tilts her head back to look at the sky, much in the same way you just were. The smoke billows from her lips and you watch her chest rise and fall. The moon is bright, not a single cloud to dull its shine as it glows across her skin. You swallow thickly as you try to stifle the situation in your jeans. She passes it back to you, and you press it to your lips, knowing that the shared saliva on the tip is the closest you’ll ever get to tasting her.

“Jake?” she finally speaks up.

You turn your head to face her, involuntarily almost. Your body is betraying you. “Yeah?”

“Did you mean what you said earlier?” she asks nervously.

“What?” you ask, confused.

“In the kitchen, when you said…” she trails off. 

You let a soft smile cross your face, “Yeah I meant it. You are beautiful. You always have been and I’m so proud of you.”  you confess reaching your hand out to run your fingers over the small stretch of skin on her arm. You see her face soften and it takes every ounce of your strength to not kiss her right then.

You aren’t sure if it’s the alcohol, the weed or both, but you got brave and now the truth is out.

“I’m proud of you too, you know.” she says, taking the joint back from your fingers. She takes a pull of it and hands it back. “I’m proud of all of you of course, but you… it’s different. The EP is so good. People love it and I know why… it came from here.” she says gently, placing her hand over your heart. The electrifying sensation zapping through your body just as quickly as her hand pulled away. Your hand instinctively reached for the spot hers was just in, before you could even realize. 

The music inside is growing louder and you can hear Josh starting to sing. They will be down there for a while. If you’re going to do it, it has to be now. 

“Hey, stay here, I have to get something. I’ll be right back.” You hand her the quickly dwindling joint and sprint upstairs to find the card you wrote her. There it sits on your desk, waiting and hoping to be opened. You grab it and shove it into the back pocket of your jeans before you make your way back downstairs and back onto the porch. Your heart is pounding as you rejoin her. You can tell that she is feeling the effects of the weed, as she is not trying to avoid eye contact anymore. Her eyes are locked in on your every movement. 

You pull the blue envelope out of your pocket and nervously hand it to her. Her brow furrows and she accepts it, reading her name across the front in your messy handwriting. 

“Jake…” she says, pulling the card out of the envelope. 

“Just open it…” you say nervously. 

Her eyes shoot up when she opens the card and notices it. You feel like your heart stops beating for a second as she realizes what it is. You let out a silent breath as you see the corners of her lips turning upward into a smile. 

Taped inside the card was a small green guitar pick. The same one you used that night in the garage. The one you have carried with you everyday since. 

“Jake you kept this?” she asked, rhetorically. 

“I’ve had it with me everyday. Kept it in my wallet. I know it’s stupid… I just…” you stammer.

“It’s not stupid Jake… but why are you giving it to me, you’ve kept it all this time…” she asks, confused on why you would give her something you’ve kept for so long.

Your face turns a dark crimson as you tell her the reason, “Well, I have carried that with me everyday for four years, like… a little piece of you was always with me. Now, I want you to have it. Carry a piece of me… with you. So you don’t forget me when you go away. You have always been my first pick, here’s your proof.” you say nervously.

She looks down, her eyes filled with tears, and smooths her pointer finger over the pick. She closes the card and her eyes flick up to yours. They are different, sad, but dark. She places the card on the table and stands up, walking to lean against the railing that overlooks the ravine next to your childhood home. 

You stand and join her, feeling like you have messed up. Like you shouldn’t have said that.

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset yo–” you are cut off as her hands cup your jaw, and finally after years of dreaming about it, you feel her lips pressed against yours. Your hand finds its place on the back of her neck, pulling her closer into you as your other hand meets the small of her back. 

It’s heaven, ecstasy, pure bliss, any beautiful and mind blowing word you could conjure would never be able to explain the feeling coursing through your veins. You can feel every emotion that neither of you could ever explain, being described perfectly as your lips meld with hers. Her soft, perfect lips. Everything you’ve ever wanted.  

She pulls away, far too soon. Your body is still gravitating to hers. Her hands release your face and smooth down the front of your chest, before pulling away. You can tell than neither of you wanted it to end. But you both knew it had to. At least you had this. This one perfect moment with her. 

She pulls you in for a hug, but this hug is not happy. This hug is sad, and longing. This hug says I will miss you, and I’m not ready to leave you yet. 

“The best gift. Thank you Jake.” she whispers as she pulls away, letting you go. 

–

HER POV

You sit on the bed in your childhood bedroom, knowing that in a few short weeks this will all be a distant memory. You will be living away from home, no family, no friends. No Sam. No Jake. The thought is dreadful, but you are excited to start new. You were so overwhelmed by Jake’s card tonight. The pick… You can’t believe he kept it, after all this time. Why he kept it... It nearly shattered you. You couldn’t even bring yourself to read what he had written in the card, knowing you would burst into tears. You had to stand up and walk away, but he was there, ready to comfort you, thinking that he had done something wrong when in reality he did everything right. The kiss. You can’t even put into words the kiss. It was everything. You hoped he could feel how much you loved him. 

So now you find yourself here, sitting on your bed, staring at the card in front of you, willing yourself to read the words he has written, just for you. 

You open the card, seeing the pick taped inside, and his perfectly sloppy handwriting.  

Hey college girl,

Proud of you for being a smartypants. I always knew you were smarter than me. But I do have some advice for you, since I am older and therefore wiser, ha ha. 

Skip at least 1 class a month to go do something fun.

Don’t waste too much of your time perfecting your homework, C’s get degrees…

Never go anywhere alone. If you ever find yourself alone, I’m only a phone call away.

You laugh at his advice, it is so perfectly Jake. Written messily underneath the pick you see his parting line. 

I’ve kept a piece of you with me, and now a piece of me will be with you. Don’t forget me.

All my love, 

Jake

You close the card and put it on your night stand. You pull the blankets over your head and turn off the lamp. As you lie alone with your thoughts on what is supposed to be a happy day, you cry yourself to sleep knowing that you could never forget him. Even if you wanted to.

–

August 2017

“Where do you want this?” Sam asks, holding up your full length mirror.

“How about near the closet somewhere?” you ask.

Sam graciously offered to help you and your parents move your things into your dorm room. He was leaving for tour in a few days and he wanted to spend every last second together before you were both separated from each other. You spent practically all summer together, hanging out, going to the lake, watching them practice for tour. The summer went by too quickly, but you knew it would. Things were changing, Sam became more and more busy with the band, and you were busy preparing everything for your move and classes. When he offered to help you move in you accepted, knowing it would probably be the last time you saw him for a long time. 

“Okay honey, that's everything.  Only need to unpack these boxes of random stuff, and you will be all moved in.” your mom says, teary eyed. 

“Thanks mom, I couldn’t have done all of this without you, really.” you say pulling her in for a hug. 

Your dad follows behind her, giving you his signature bear hug. “You call us if you need anything. I mean it.” he says sternly.

“I will dad, I promise.” you reply and with that they leave you to your new life as a college student. 

You stand in your room, staring at the door, as Sam starts to speak. “Are you okay?” he asks nervously. You feel his arm encircling your shoulders and pulling you in for a hug.

“Yeah, I’m okay, just a little bit sad. Everyone is leaving me.” you reply.

“Not really, they are only an hour and a half away,” he says.

“Not just them, you too.” you say.

“I’m not leaving you! We are just going for a few months. It will go by quickly. I can come visit as soon as we get back! Or maybe you can come see a show or…” he trails off.

“Plus, you can call me or text me whenever you want. You know I always answer you.” he smiles. “Dont, be sad. You’re too pretty to be sad.”

You snap your head to look at him, he has never said something like that to you.

“What?” he asks.

“Well… you never say that kind of stuff to me Sam.” you say curiously. 

“Yeah I know, but I have been thinking…” he says.

You nod your head, encouraging him to continue his thought.

“Do you remember the day we got partnered up Freshman year?” he asks. 

“Yeah?” you reply.

“When I found out you were my partner I was so excited. But I tried to play it cool. I just thought you were soooo pretty.” he laughs. 

He starts to unpack one of the boxes full of random items as he continues, “The night you came over, I didn’t even know how to handle what I was feeling, you were so smart, and funny. I couldn’t understand why I never saw it before. I mean, we knew each other for years.” he says, placing books on your little book shelf. 

“I was so excited you stayed to watch us jam in the garage. I wanted to impress you. A few weeks later I admitted to myself that I liked you. I even asked Jake for advice. None of it worked, obviously. ” he smiles shrugging with his shoulders.

Jake knew? Why didn’t he tell you?

“I worked up all my courage to ask you to Prom, I was still nervous though. I was going to try to kiss you that night. I clearly didn't...” he laughed.

“Then when you started dating Michael, I had the answer I needed. You obviously didn’t feel the same way about me. I put my feelings aside and continued to just be your best friend. I was fine with that. I’ve been fine with that. But now, we are leaving, and you’re starting school and it just feels like I had to tell you. You had to know, if you didn’t already.”

“Sam…” you drag his name out. 

“I know, I know, so typical. Guy falls in love with his best friend…” he laughs.

“In love?” you ask shocked.

“Of course…how could I not? But… I know it’s not like that for you. Or else it would have happened long before now.” he says, closing the drawer of your nightstand. 

He knows, he gets it. But he doesn’t know why. 

“You are my best friend Sam...Practically my brother. I love you, you know that. But I love you like a brother.” you say, ashamed, and knowing that you are crushing him.

“I figured that’s what you would say. There are no hard feelings, I promise.” he says with a smile. But you know it's a lie.

“Are you sure, I feel so stupid…” you reply.

“No, you’re not stupid. I promise. I mean you’re the one going to college here...” he laughs.

“Sam you got into HARVARD.” you laugh.

“Yeah…wasn’t for me…” you both laugh and the tension melts away.

A little while later, you are unpacking the last box and you see all of the pictures you selected for your bulletin board. You grab the thumb tacks and the stack of photos and mementos and turn to put them up. 

“Oh, I can do that. I’m good at collaging.” Sam jokes. 

You hand him the stack and turn back to your bottomless pit of a last box. 

You carry a few items to the closet, and peek over your shoulder to check on his progress. 

“Looks good Sammy!” you yell behind you.

When you return to the room you see him sitting on the bed reading something. The blood drains from your face as you see exactly what it is. 

“What the fuck is this?” he asks, you can feel the venom in his tone.

You walk over to him and snatch the card out of his hands and tuck it under your arm. Ignoring his question. But you know it’s too late. He read it. 

“What is that? I know it's from Jake… I could recognize that handwriting anywhere!” he demands.

“Nothing, Sam! He just gave me a card at that graduation party! It wasn’t even supposed to be in that box. I don’t know why it’s in there. Must have been an accident.” you say, tossing it in the small trash can by your desk. 

You can see his body relax as he watches the folded blue card hit the bottom of the can, and with it the entirety of your heart. 

You never thought that the first thing you would learn in college would be that your best friend is in love with you. Only to be quickly followed by him reading his own brother's private confession, meant for your eyes only. He changes the subject quickly so you know he didn’t read into it too much, and you are thankful. The last thing you want to do is try to explain. 

Another hour or so of packing and talking and it’s time for Sam to go. A few tears and a lot of ‘I’ll miss you’s’ later, you watch as his hand me down Subaru pulls away from your dorm. With a promise of ‘I’ll call you’, you head back into your room. 

Rushing straight to the trash can you pick up the card, running your fingers over the letters as you let the tears fall. You hate lying to Sam. You wish you could be honest, but you know you can't. Especially now.

How could you do this to him? He is your best friend. Your best friend who is in love with you… He would never understand. 

Tears roll down your cheek as you pin the card to your bulletin board. The pick still sits perfectly taped inside the card. You haven’t brought yourself to take it out, afraid you will lose it. You couldn’t bear the thought. It sits right next to a picture of you and Sam. His arm draped around the back of your neck pulling your face close to his. Both of you are wearing huge, happy smiles.  

Your best friend. 

A pang of guilt shoots through your chest as you imagine how Sam must have felt all these years. Hearing you complain about boys and watching you date them, when all he wanted was for it to be him. All the times you cried to him on the phone about your bad dates and break ups…He was always there. 

In a way you almost feel like you led him on, spending almost everyday with him this summer. You knew you two had grown closer, but you didn’t know how much more it meant to him. All the while you were pining after his brother. The brother who he asked for advice. About you. You, never even throwing a thought his way. Now you’re here at college, and they are leaving for tour. You’re not sure when you’ll see them again, but maybe the distance will be good. Maybe it will give you all the clarity you need. 

You decide to take a shower to rinse away the day, and hope that it will help you relax into your new surroundings. It’s hard being in a new place where no one knows you. It’s scary and lonely. You triple check the lock on your door and text your mom that you are in for the night, so that she doesn’t worry.

As you crawl into the unfamiliar twin bed, you read a few pages of a book your mom bought you, and find yourself growing drowsy with each flip of a page. When your phone vibrates next to you, your eyes pop open, waking you from your light sleep. You pick it up wondering who it could be, and when you see the name on the screen it nearly takes your breath away. 

Jake.

With shaking hands you swipe to open the message and what you are met with, sends a chill down your spine.

Jake: Sam called.

.

.

.

.

.

Chapter 2

[lains-reality]

Hi Lain, I have something to share. Recently my ego's life has been more difficult to bear. A close friend who I love so dearly lost his mother a week ago and I was so shocked and upset. A few days after finding out, I was doing yoga and the word 'forgiveness' popped up when the prompt was given 'what do you want most?' and I realised my ego felt personally responsible for her friend's mother's death. Why? Because she had intended to manifest his mother's full health starting from over a year ago and truly believed it would happen. Failing when she believed so truly that it would happen was too much of a shock and seeing her friend hurting so much and losing his mother too soon at a young age was all too much to bear. These feelings plagued the ego for days. She even sent an ask to a LOA blog wanting to understand why she had failed but it hasn't been unanswered yet.

But upon bringing up this unconscious belief to the conscious, I decided to apply what Lester teaches in his book "Make a conscious effort to bring up subconscious thoughts and when they are brought to the conscious plane, drop them. When they do come up, because they are very limiting and very negative as a whole, you want to drop them and you do." I realised writing the sentence out "I am responsible for my friend's mother's death" just sounded so ridiculous and obviously untrue that I was able to immediately drop it and have since stopped thinking about it entirely. The peace and freedom from that pain was instantaneous (although it took me a few days to process the grief initially and then come to a place where I had mental capacity to reflect more).

I know this is the more "tedious" route to self-realization compared to just focusing on self-inquiry but I've found I have made a lot more progress dropping thoughts (from unconscious to conscious) through meditation and reflecting on what beliefs I can drop to let go of more of the ego compared to when I tried to do purely self-inquiry. Sometimes no matter how much you tell the ego it's just a dream, it's difficult to accept during those overwhelming moments and I'm thankful that Lester has given other ways to continue on this journey.

Applying this gave me peace and now I have fully recovered. I've decided to continue letting go of the ego but I might delay my self-realization goal to focus a bit on manifestation first. I haven't given up on my friend's mother. I know this is my dream alone and nothing is reality unless I consent to it. I am determined to bring her back because my friend deserves to have his mother until she is old and I want to see him happy. In my mind, she has already made a full recovery from cancer and the only reason my friend hasn't been texting me is because he's too busy celebrating with his family over her full recovery.

Thank you for reading. I felt safe sharing this.

i'm glad you've been dropping thoughts!

meditating is not a tedious route, its a practise just as self inquiry is! as long as you don't forget Self you can do anything you want

i'm glad you let go of such a sad belief and felt safe to share this!

[tarisilmarwen]

I don’t know....

“They are a terrible enemy, Eli,” Vah’nya said. “Your Empire—your former Empire—forces its will on its slaves through soldiers and weapons and warships. But the Grysks…three can command a nation. A hundred can rule an entire world. Billions of beings, their hearts and souls broken, ready to fight and die at the order of a handful of aliens. No resistance, no revolt, no dissent, no hope.”

That seems powerful (and scary) to me — I always saw this as potentially implying the Grysk leadership to be Force sensitives, literally taking the will of their soldiers. Giving us the same ‘Force-less’ Vong as soldiers, but with a purpose (for now).

So here's the main thrust of my issue with the Grysk:

They are talked up an awful lot more than they actually follow up.

Characters are always telling us about how much of a threat the Grysk are, about things they can supposedly do, but it never actually really gets demonstrated within the text.

That quote from Vah'nya, about the Grysks' supposed fearsome mind control abilities? Yeah, they don't actually have any, they farm that task out to their telepathic client species the Agbui, who have to physically touch another being in order to read them, which means they can't break or turn a person unless they physically capture them. I've already talked about how tedious that would make any kind of concerted galactic conquest.

What the Grysk do far more often than have their lackeys mindwash prisoners (from what I can gather in the new Thrawn books at least) is actually sow political dissent, manipulate a few key government players, blackmail a culture by threatening what's important to them, and basically do a lot of internal sabotage before they even begin to test warships against any new military force. Only one actual Grysk commander ever gets into a real space battle in the course of six new Thrawn books and predictably since he's up against Thrawn he gets outmaneuvered soundly.

A lot of the Grysks' client species also seem to have been convinced and bribed rather than conquered and brainwashed/mind-controlled. So while Vah'nya's speech is certainly frightening-sounding, it's not backed up by anything the Grysk actually do.

And Vah'nya's not the only character to do this, either, Thrawn tends to talk up the Grysk A LOT when he's trying to convince someone that they're a threat to take seriously. He tells Vader the Grysk are said to have "spacecraft so numerous they blot out the stars" and claims that they're "terrifying warriors, overwhelming their opponents by sheer numbers and ferocity" mostly to convince Vader to help him go rescue the Chiss skywalkers and, you know, not go tattle on him to Palpatine about his maybe conflicting loyalties.

But the Grysk have failed to demonstrate that they employ a tactic of "overwhelming through numbers and ferocity" and if they did have a giant fleet as big as Thrawn claims... where the hell is it? Why haven't the Grysk used it at all?

The claim that they are some kind of overpowering attacking mind-controlling force simply has no actual teeth in the narrative. Zahn has not convinced me they are anything more than a local threat to the Chiss, certainly nothing capable of conquering a territory as large as the GFFA.

Now you compare them to the Yuuzhan Vong, who not only had the numbers and warrior training and ferocity and fanaticism and effective brainwashing and bizarre unknown organic technology and whose first official act against the galaxy was to pull a freaking moon out of orbit and crash it into a planet and the Grysk just seem like such a poor man's Walmart bargain bin cheap replacement.

They're not enough of a threat to the New Republic to justify any kind of alliance with either the Chiss Ascendancy in general or Thrawn in particular, I'm sorry, I will die on this hill.

[adventures-in-a-world-of-fiction]

Review: System Collapse by Martha Wells

I finished reading System Collapse by Martha Wells, the latest book in The Murderbot Diaries series at around 1:30am yesterday. Here is my review of the book, and the fact that I finished it at 1:30am is probably the first thing that should go into the review. I went to bed at a reasonable time night, but usually read for a bit as part of my going-to-bed process. With System Collapse, I was reading in bed and kept thinking, "Just a little bit more," until I'd read the entire book and it was well past a reasonable time for me to be asleep.

So that should tell you something about the book's plot being compelling.

More detailed thoughts on the book, including multiple spoilers, below the cut. TL;DR - if you're already a fan of the series, I would definitely recommend it. If you haven't read The Murderbot Diaries yet, start with the first one in the series (All Systems Red) because you will get very confused if you try to start here.

I actually spent the first chunk of the book thinking that I wasn't going to like it as much as the other books in the series. This isn't to say that this book is bad, but that the bar set by the rest of the series is so high that I didn't think this one was quite reaching it. The start of the book felt overwhelming. We're thrown straight into action and a load of character names are flung at us, and I spent a good chunk of the opening confused because I couldn't remember who half of these characters were, but the book didn't stop to introduce them again.

This could be a me problem. If you've read Network Effect recently (or if you're just better with names than me), this might not be an issue for you. Still, that was my first reaction, so it felt right to include it. If anyone else reading the book finds the beginning a bit overwhelming, stick with it, it will all start making sense soon.

I also have mixed feelings about "redacted." I absolutely love the concept of the incident behind "redacted" and I think it's great that we're seeing the impact of everything Murderbot has been through and how its friends are treating that, as well as how it reacts to it. I also really like that its approach to a subject it finds upsetting is to decide not to think about it and just trim that out of its narrative. That feels very in-character and fits with things we've seen it do before. That said, it felt very heavy-handed in execution. It took us several books to learn that every time a character or the narrative mentions "the company", what's actually happening is that Murderbot is actively editing the company name out of the story. Compared to that, having "and then... redacted" come up every few pages felt as subtle as an energy weapon to the face. It took me out of the story because every time it happened, it felt like the author was waving a flag saying "redacted" in my face and going, "here's your hook to keep reading, so you can learn what this is about." Having the exact same idea, but half the number of "redacted" in the text before we get the reveal would have felt stronger to me.

I do find it interesting though how Murderbot is constantly second-guessing itself in this. It keeps noticing every time it misses something or doesn't necessarily make the best decision. In previous books, Murderbot has been an anxious mess at times, but its felt confident of its abilities in tough situations. It knows what it can do and makes decisions. In this book, it felt a lot more uncertain, and it's both a nice contrast and gives an opportunity for the dynamics between it and ART to be shown. I liked ART-drone messaging Murderbot encouragement privately. We see that the others around it have a lot more faith in it than it has in itself.

The lack of drones was also an interesting shift. We've seen Murderbot use drones and security cameras constantly through the series, using multiple "eyes" to look at everything. Having it deal with a limited (and dwindling) supply of drones and having to cope with not being able to see everything it wants to adds to the experience because we're seeing something new. It changes the dynamics of some of the tense scenes, and we get to see the impact on Murderbot at an emotional level.

What I absolutely loved was Murderbot putting together a video presentation, especially that it came up with the idea. We've seen Murderbot make little videos before - like showing a kid a compilation of it fighting with the gory bits edited out - and being interested in things like video effects ART used in comms, so this felt like a fantastic payoff to that. Murderbot's massive interest in media becomes crucial to saving the day in a way that felt incredibly satisfying to read, as well as having a lot of fun humour in how the process of editing happened.

I also loved the little touch of ART-drone faking someone's voice and Ratthi commenting on how this is unethical and actually against Preservation's laws - but under these circumstances he thought it was justified. This felt really fitting given all the conversations earlier this year about the SAG strike and one of their concerns was film companies using their likenesses for future films. Given how long books take to be edited and published, I'm confident this moment was written before the actors guild started getting press talking about the risk of actors being effectively copied for other media projects without their permission, but it still made me laugh that we have this scene with an AI copying a person for a film and it being called out as problematic. 

I thought the concept of the ART-drone was fun. It's an interesting idea to have ART be able to split itself apart and merge back together later, and I thought it was nice that while the subparts are still recognisably ART, they're not identical in behaviour because they're focused on different stuff.

I liked Murderbot's hesitation around teaching the other SecUnits how to hack their governor modules. It made sense that Murderbot would be worried about them coming after its humans, but ultimately choose to set them free.

There were lots of fun moments through the story. As usual, Murderbot's sarcasm adds a lot of humour. I particularly liked the exchange when Ratthi comments about some hatch shapes being scarier than others and Murderbot going off and analysing its media files to back up this theory. Plus ART-drone's complaint about wasting processing power on this was fun.

I liked the little aside about Murderbot having attempted to make a code patch to remove its anxiety.

I liked that Murderbot was so determined to keep Ratthi safe and kept insisting he stay in the shuttle, and there was a great line about how much Ratthi loves wandering around on planets and how good he is at finding trouble. "SecUnit wants me to remind all of you about the time I nearly got eaten."

I can't remember all the little moments that were in there that made me chuckle, but there were plenty. I don't think it was as funny as the first book in the series but it was fun enough.

All in all, I definitely liked the book and if you're a fan of the series, I would recommend it. By the second half of the book, I was gripped and kept reading after I should have been asleep because I needed to know how things turned out. I don't think it'll be my favourite in the series, but it was a great continuation of the story. If you haven't read the Murderbot Diaries series, this isn't the book to start with. So much that happens in it depends on or calls back to what happened in Network Effect or the other books that you absolutely should start with the first book and read them in order.

[moriarty1234]

T*LC Refutation (but decidedly NOT johnlock refutation)

Part - 3 : Everything wrong with their versions of the words "subtext" and "symbolism".

[Note: I love and ship johnlock because I saw it for myself in the show when I watched it and was part of the general audience in the past. I even want it to become canon in some Holmes adaption in the future. But T*lc needs to get sucked into obscurity and forgotten. Other fandoms like Good Omens, etc., are following the same rhetoric in their "meta" posts, and that needs to go. This is crucial for our basic critical thinking skills and objectivity.]

Now, let's discuss about the two things t*lcers talk about the most in their posts: Subtext and Symbolism.

a.) Subtext:

Real definition of subtext: Subtext is implied text in the simplest words. Meaning, something needs to be there in the plain text for the viewer to be led to the subtextual implications of the said plain text.

This means the plain text gets the main priority all the time out of the two.

Fake (t*lc) version of the definition of subtext: An element that tells a brand new story in the background, which only a handful of people in a large audience can pick up on because they're the *experts* and everyone else is a "casual". Plain text is useless and it can burn in the trash. (though only when the plain text doesn't support t*lc).

Read this article on the hierarchy of evidence, and feel free to throw it at anyone who claims to know about something for sure, just because they're the expert in that field, next time. Huge thanks to Kim for sending me this link and discussing the whole thing with me.

Expert opinion is literally at the bottom. It doesn't count as anything if you want your college paper to get approved.

You should know that much, if you're such an expert. :P

b.) Symbolism:

In the simplest words, symbolism is the idea that things represent other things. It is used in fictional stories all the time to enhance the writing style, and to urge the audience to think deeper.

But here's the thing: "Enhance" is the key word here. You cannot tell an entire story only through symbolisms. Symbolisms and subtext are only used to highlight what's already there in the plain text.

Everyone outside the t*lc echo-chamber knows that the general audience makes up for the majority of the entire audience. Their interpretations about the source material are important. Most people aren't going to keep an eye on every single molecule of their screens on which they watch the show. And writers do need their stories to come across. If they kept narrating everything through only obscure codes and symbolisms, nobody is going to get the story. Their entire efforts would be useless.

Moreover, t*lcers don't seem to understand the difference between symbolisms and allegories, as my brilliant friend Kim pointed out.

The key difference here is that allegories are the ones that tend to have a fixed meaning in the story, when they're meant to represent something abstract.

Symbolisms, on the other hand, tend to be arbitrary in their meanings. Take the colour pink, for example. It used to represent masculinity in the Roman times. Look how the times changed, and it has become the epitome of femininity now!

Here's a more insightful take from How to Read Literature Like a Professor (a book one of the t*lc people themselves rec'ed. Apparently they cherry-picked here too) :

If something such as symbolism is so arbitrary that its meaning changes from time to time, and from person to person (indovidual opinions), do you really think it is reliable to tell an entire story? No.

That's why the literary device "symbolism" is just used to enhance what the general audience can already see in the plain text.

Most of the symbolisms these people come up with in their meta posts are not even real. They just experience patternicity and think they've figured everything out. They really haven't. And in the name of sources, they just say, "Read my meta!", or "Here, read my friend's meta," or provide any other incredibly unreliable and cherry-picked links.

Why would anyone read your meta when it's clear what you wrote is obviously coming from some sort of bias? You guys are not even consistent in your theories half of the time.

You don't even know the difference between symbolisms and allegories, or even the true meaning of subtext, given how much you keep claiming to be experts in literature and cinema.

Pulling claims out of thin air that BBC Sherlock is a slow-burn romance because the BBC station asked Moffat and Gatiss to do that, etc., doesn't help anything.

Mind you, I would've made this post even if johnlock had become canon in BBC Sherlock. A logical fallacy is still a logical fallacy, even though someone might come to the correct conclusion through it accidentally.

That's why most of the t*lc style meta posts feel weird and off-putting, even though they might look clever on the surface, because they usually tend to use a lot of fancy words.

Part-2: What's wrong with their actual meta posts?

Parts- 4 and 5: Harmful aspects of T*LC (4) and Conclusion (5).

T*LC refutation (but NOT johnlock refutation) master post.

[zorilleerrant]

I think the problem people have with the current trend in book summaries is that 20 years ago, when you read a book summary, it included the normal who what when where why that people recommend writing in nonfiction articles. A review or recommendation being a kind of nonfiction, people got used to seeing them. And now with the truncated article most common in news reporting it's probably not as familiar to readers of news, either, so it probably shouldn't be surprising that descriptions of books don't contain all those parts.

I really don't think the problem is that there's a 'who' included in the description, because that's always something we wanted to know. It's that there are often paragraphs of lavish description of the 'who' or the 'where'... and very little of the other questions.

People generally want to know the what when why of it all, too. A lot of people are also interested in the how - I've never been much concerned, because I tend to assume the book's going to answer that, but it is frustrating that genre descriptors have become more of buzzwords than anything intended to set up expectations for the story. People slap together any of them they think have crossover with their intended readership, regardless of whether those words in that order actually describe a subgenre.

(A cozy mystery is a specific genre of book. A cozy fantasy is... possibly something people are trying to push now? But nothing established enough to tell me what you mean.)

So we get the 'who', often in too much detail. I know that's just the trend of the moment, but I'm used to people talking up character traits in the introduction to a story because they don't bother illustrating or developing them across the text. It makes me worry that everything being advertised is an informed trait, and the character might as well be another milquetoast Chris Pratt performance. Which is to say nothing of the times when several of the diverse array of characters happen to be extremely minor in the text... leaving the main cast much less diverse indeed.

The 'where' is similarly difficult. It used to be that I could look at something advertising a setting in that much lavish detail and assume it was worldbuilding-driven, or at least that worldbuilding was a large part of what was going on. Instead, it's so often just telling us things in the author's head that have no relevance to the book, and only appear in the first chapter or two before being forgotten about entirely. The rest of the story is just modern New York, London, Paris, etc. with a new coat of paint. They have all the same preoccupations but they say prithee or have a HUD built into their eye implants. Not much worldbuilding at all.

The 'what' being missing is probably the easiest to explain; there have always been complaints that a blurb concentrated too much on the plot, or even gave the ending away. And too much of that is similarly dreary and frustrating to try to wade through, making it hard to look at a book and tell why you'd want to read it. But until the particular glut of it for a few years in there, it was mostly restricted to genre books that used archetypal characters and themes, so the variation in stock plot was the critical deciding factor.

It's the 'when' I feel like I'm missing the most, when I see all these descriptions of characters, because the 'when' is so integral to a character-driven story. Telling us who they are and what they're like is the perfect opportunity to tell us how long it is they've been concerned about this thing. What point in their lives they're at. The kind of experiences they've had already and haven't had yet. How long their world's been the way it is.

But it's the 'why' I sometimes feel like people are unable to even answer. It may be something to do with the push for people to write for themselves, which I do endorse, but just because I wanted to, while a wonderful reason to write, isn't a good enough reason to read something. i mean, I assume you wanted to, or someone else wanted you to, or I don't know why any book would've gotten written. But I want to know what makes the story sing.

Why are the characters doing what they're going to do? Why do they care? Why now? Why about this? Why is the setting the way it is? Why did it start going right or wrong or something sideways? Why hasn't anyone done anything, or why did they fail, or why don't people know they succeeded? Why does this thing go right? Why does that thing go wrong? Why is it told in this tone, voice, mood? Why are these parts included? Why does it follow this character, and that plot, and the other setting devices? Why does it use this motif? Why is it concerned with that philosophy? Why is it about this when it's really about that? Why does it feel some way when it could feel totally different? Why did you write it?

Why should I read it?

[monstersinthecosmos]

I didn't follow any of the pre-release promotional materials; do you have a link to the showrunner(s) stating/implying that queerness is merely "subtextual" in the absence of literal sex? (Apologies if you've shared it before and I just wasn't paying attention.) Also, thank you for your prolific and thorough critiques. I'm a more casual book fan and was tentatively excited to see the show forge a new narrative path while still guided by the same lifeblood, if you will. But at this point, hmmmmmm

I don't recall him commenting on it being about literal sex, THAT WAS ME EDITORIALZING LMAO.

I haven't been able to stomach the entire SDCC panel but I know they talked about it in there, I kinda peeked around for a transcript but didn't find one. ANYONE FEEL FREE TO SHARE THE DIRECT QUOTES please I don't have the strength. There's a summary article here, though, which touches on the convo a little:

(Don't even ask me to start unpacking the Fiona Apple comment dude what?)

This article also talks about the SDCC panel and doesn't directly quote him but it sums up:

There's just been article after articleeeeee of people who didn't read the books or just watched the film or whatever and keep going WOWIE IT'S NOT SUBTEXT, GREAT JOB, when like ? It was never subtext lol. And that's not entirely the show's fault, how mainstream perceives it, but they've been running with that and taking credit for it.

Like there's just been tons of headlines and praise like this -

I think the show & RJ have also been pretty blurry with how often they claim they're not a remake of the movie and yet constantly make digs at the movie and even reference it often on the show itself. So I think sometimes they're commenting on the movie when they forget they've already told us they're not remaking the movie. =P

There's also this quote (I didn't screenshot bc there's an ad in the middle LOL!) but:

"It’s aggressive subtext in the first book, but by the time you read books eight and nine, it was the love affair of the century. Without spoiling too much, subtext becomes text in our show."

(Let's not point out that books 8 & 9 are ... *checks notes* Blood & Gold and Blackwood Farm. Okaaaaaay Rolin. 😪)

Also sorry by love affair of the century do you mean Lestat goes around and has adventures and uses everyone while Louis stays safely tucked away at Armand's house until he's needed, or? Sorry lmfao I'm so fucking. dghadgkjs.

That interview is full of nonsense that will make you want to scream if you're feeling brave.

Anyway I feel like, I've been obsessively watching the production unfold for the past year and I kept getting so many red flags like there's been so many odd comments and little sexist quips, the complete misunderstanding (or lack of fucks) about what Claudia is supposed to mean in the story, etc. I just keep getting aggressive CISHET MAN vibes from this team and the lens they read VC through.

And yknow what, fair whatever I guess, we all read different versions of the same book and they're the ones that got to make it. But idk I like VC for the dark elegant spooky existential angst, I didn't need it to be gritty and open up with shit jokes. And five episodes in I didn't need it to use outdated, dangerous rape tropes and I also don't need it to oversell the domestic abuse. (Hint: Lestat was already abusive as fuck from the moment we met him, don't oversell!)

It's an okay show lmao. It's not recognizable as VC at all except that it recycles the names. None of the characters have been accurate so far. Even Lestat, where Sam Reid is doing so many fun things with his delivery and mannerisms that almost seem like Lestat, is just so fucking OOC and a caricature and just really lacks the depth and nuance and sensitivity of who he is in the books.

If you can turn your brain off and not look at it as VC there's some fun moments, but it's also full of continuity errors and just plot holes and bad writing when you look too close, so don't try to analyze it too hard or you'll have a bad time lol. Even the stuff that's really interesting and that they get right, they tend to lose interest in and drop, or they mix it into so much vampire soap opera shenanigans that it's hard to walk away knowing what the episode is actually about. It's just. Woof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[newgenog]

REVENGE

Notes: This is part two of chapter four. If you're just stumbling across this, and haven't already done so, please stop and start by reading part one of chapter one.

This #Batwoman AU is based on the ABC tv series #Revenge. Our Ryan Wilder had something else besides vengeance to fight for - the symbol. This one starts out with nothing to lose, and no one to try and change her mind (and she doesn't have a cape or cowl).

As the longest chapter to date, this one will be shared in 5 parts, the first four of which will be shared here on Tumblr each Friday first. You'll get the 5th and final part with the entire chapter on AO3.

Here we go!

CHAPTER FOUR - DUPLICITY (Part Two)

Ryan goes after the psychologist who evaluated her after her mom’s death, and determined that she should serve out her time in a youth correctional facility.

JUNE 29TH, 6:00PM, THE LOFT

Ryan walks into her loft and sets her bag and stack of mail on the counter to the left of the stove. At the top of the stack is a matte black envelope with her new name and address on the front. The back is sealed with an embossed stamp of the initials HK. She opens the envelope and finds metallic silver cardstock inside with blue font providing the details to the Halmilton-Kane Independence and Wellness Banquet. Atop the invitation is a sheer sheet containing a handwritten note from Evan. 

I had enough time to send you a formal invitation this time. This is my favorite event of the summer. American cocktails under a rainbow lit sky is a fabulous time! Can’t wait to see you! 

She places the invitation on the fridge with a magnet, knowing that’s what a normal person would do. Then, she goes to the cupboard above the stove and pulls out her mother’s box. She places it on the opposite counter, to the right of the stove, and gently slides her fingers over the symbol that reminds her someone in this harsh world would have done anything for her once, and did. 

Her phone vibrates, and it’s the reminder for the virtual meeting she’s supposed to sit in on. Not even a full moment later, her phone is vibrating again, and it’s Luke. She’s missed several of his calls, and hasn’t responded to any of his text messages, but she knows she can’t avoid him any longer. She swipes to accept the call, but doesn’t get the chance to say anything. 

Luke: “Next, I was going to show up at your door and let myself in. You know I can.” 

Ryan: “That would have been an extremely unnecessary risk to take.” 

He's very aware that an unexpected intruder would walk into a violent greeting. 

Luke: “Clearly, I’m willing to risk a lot for you.” 

Ryan: “You’re welcome to stop at any time.” 

Luke: “You know I can’t do that.” 

They’re at an impasse. 

Ryan: “Well, what you can do is get me set up for this call.” 

Luke: “Or, we can talk about how you ditched me last night because your ex-girlfriend is working at the bar run by your new whatever Sophie is to you, who by the way, was very, I’ll go with confused by how you ran away from her, and that’s being generous…”

Ryan has no idea what Sophie is. She’s supposed to be a memory…She can't bring herself to utter words that might suggest she means nothing, nor can she start analyzing how she's made Sophie feel. Not now, and it's probably best if not ever. What she’s certain of is that Sophie will fare better if she stays far away from her, and Angelique for that matter.

Ryan: “I’ll deal with Angelique.” 

Luke: “That’s your response to everything I just said?” 

Ryan: “Yes. Now, will you focus on this meeting?” 

She could almost hear him clench his fists in exasperation through the phone. 

Luke: “Is your computer up?”

Ryan: “It is. I was getting ready while you were whining.” 

Luke: “Whatever.” 

Ryan doesn’t actually have to do anything but wait. At exactly 6:15 PM, a window pops open on her screen, as Dr. Rhyme and Jacob Kane join the meeting. Jacob recently scheduled a counseling session with her, and Ryan wanted to know what would be discussed. The notes on the booking stated that he’s been facing a fresh wave of grief from the loss of his first wife, and he’s been struggling with feelings of failure at being a husband and father. 

Ryan: “I’m in. I’ll talk to you later.” 

She ends the call so she can listen to Jacob’s therapy session. He’s gone to Dr. Rhyme before, so she doesn’t need to be brought up to speed on the history of what led him to make an appointment. 

Dr. Rhyme: “It’s been a while, Jacob.” 

Jacob: “I know…”

Dr. Rhyme: “So tell me why you felt it was time to schedule another appointment? I’m sure that wasn’t an easy decision to come to.” 

Jacob: “The nightmares are back.” 

Dr. Rhyme: “The ones triggered by your guilt?” 

Jacob: “Right. I thought we’d gotten rid of them.”

Dr. Rhyme: “Indeed, we worked through a lot together... If those old feelings are back, an event must have occurred recently to stir them up.” 

Jacob breaks eye contact with his camera.

Jacob: “I had an affair with my wife’s best friend, among other things.”

Dr. Rhyme: "That has the potential to be a catalyst for some of what you're experiencing.How did that relationship come to be?”

Jacob: “I think you’d say it was self sabotage.” 

Dr. Rhyme: "As in, you wanted to sabotage your own happiness? So, you believe you were happy before the affair?"

Jacob: "I had everything I've ever wanted…"

Dr. Rhyme: "Money and notoriety are not everything. For instance, you no longer have your first wife. You have a complicated relationship with your daughters. And Catherine…how were things with her before the affair?"

Jacob: “Catherine is beautiful and she does a lot in the name of our family…She’s also…a challenge. Things with Candice were easy.”

Dr. Rhyme: “Your secretary…? Doesn’t that fall under her job description: to make your life feel easy?”

Jacob: “Perhaps.”

Dr. Rhyme: “I haven’t encountered a couple that would describe marriage - a lifetime of partnership, that is - as easy.” 

Jacob: “Hence the guilt.” 

Dr. Rhyme: “I’m not here to judge you, Jacob. I’m just offering perspective. You’re here, so I assume you’re looking for some understanding and answers…”

Jacob: “Honestly, one should suffer some sort of consequences in life, shouldn’t they?”

Dr. Rhyme: “So you want to be held accountable for your actions?” 

Jacob sits back in his chair and clasps his hands together, contemplative. 

Jacob: “Don’t things always catch up with you one way or another? I sometimes wonder if this luxurious life isn’t a version of purgatory that we designed for ourselves. We seem to straddle the line between collapsing into hell and being just out of reach of heaven. And, I wonder if everything we say we’ve done for our family…has it actually just dammed us?”

Dr. Rhyme: “This picture you’re painting seems to be of one where things will just happen to you at some point. But Jacob, I don’t see you as someone who sits and awaits his fate. You’ve always taken control of your own destiny, by any means necessary. Yet suddenly, you believe you’ll be helpless while your world falls apart around you?”

Jacob: “Because, I can’t tell if this is my subconscious trying to warn me of something or not. And what can I really do at this point? Admit to everything that was required to arrive at and sustain our current position?” 

Dr. Rhyme: “What do you imagine as the real consequence if some of those truths come out? And what if it was actually the opportunity to tackle things head on, instead of wondering what might come to pass if your secrets become known?” 

Jacob: “With all due respect, Doctor, we both know I’m not the only one who will suffer if my secrets become known. Honestly, it’s probably best for everyone if I can just get back to sleeping at night.. Is that something you can help me with?” 

Dr. Rhyme: “If you’d rather not reflect and process what you’re feeling, then reprogramming how you look at the things keeping you up at night, like we did before, would be the most effective alternative.” 

Jacob: “And that’s why you’re the best.” 

As they discuss when Jacob will be available for an in-person appointment, Ryan pushes her chair back from the table, disgusted, and walks over to the counter where she'd left her mama's box. Why would Jacob Kane ever want to be held accountable when he has the best hypnotherapist in Gotham at his disposal? Evelyn Rhyme could make people believe literally anything she wanted. She and Ryan seemed to have that in common, though… 

Ryan opens the large box, which is the only thing from her past she keeps with her. She'd begun storing any and all memories she wanted to retain with it: the few pictures she'd been able to capture during high school; every piece of news coverage from her case that she could get her hands on; research and bios for everyone involved. She pulled out a clipping of an ad for Evelyn Rhyme's new private practice, which opened the year after she'd met Ryan. It was conveniently located in New Gotham, in the Burnley neighborhood. 

Back then and now, there are no coincidences in timing when it comes to the people Ryan has come into contact with. The reality is, pretending Ryan's reckoning isn't happening would do neither Jacob or Evelyn any favors. Ryan is justice, and the days of denying her were over.

12 AND A HALF YEARS AGO, KANE COUNTY JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER 

Ryan sat alone in her small room, on her bottom bunk, staring at the blank white wall across from her. Her door was open, because it was free time, but she had no desire or energy to do anything but sit and stare. At night, she wept or relived the past in her mind during what restless sleep she could come by. She couldn't understand how she was in this place, and yet she had no clue how to get out of it. Feeling trapped and helpless left her so depleted that all she could do was follow the same routine, day after day.

Today, the routine was interrupted by a visitor who broke her stare by walking in front of her wall, and leaning back against it.

Dr. Rhyme: "Hi Ryan. I'm Doctor Evelyn Rhyme. Do you know why they asked me to see you today?"

Ryan's eyes rose up until they met the doctor's face. She was a plain dressing woman, wearing structured tan slacks and a white, long sleeved button up. Stereotypically, she wore black framed glasses and her brown hair sat at her shoulders.

Ryan: "No. I don't even know why I'm here… My friend is an orphan. She was always talking about social workers, but I never got to see one…"

Dr. Rhyme: "You said you don't know why you're here, as in: you're not aware that you were charged and sentenced for the circumstances that led to your mother's death?"

Ryan: "No. I'm aware that they blamed me, but I don't know how that makes any sense. I told them what happened, but no one is listening to me."

Dr. Rhyme: "Ryan, it seems you might be demonstrating signs of disassociation. You're unwilling to take accountability for the actions that contributed to your mother being shot. It's understandable that one wouldn't want to believe they could be responsible for the things that caused them to lose their only parent, or loved one for that matter, but if you can't align yourself with the truth, it'll be difficult for anyone to have confidence in your ability to be rehabilitated."

Ryan: "Rehabilitated? You said you're a doctor? Because you sound crazy, lady. Nothing is wrong with me! I didn't do anything! That white boy who shot my mom did! And that little brunette who told all her friends to run while my mom bled out - are you asking her about accountability?"

Dr. Rhyme: "The thing is, Ryan, yours is the only version of the story with that specific sequence of events. And while it's perfectly common to have some variation in accounts of an incident, there are far more consistencies with the other witnesses' stories than with yours. Frankly, yours sounds imagined."

Ryan: "I'm not making anything up! I don't know why they're all lying, but they are. And they're all friends. I don't even know them!"

Dr. Rhyme: "Now is that true, Ryan? You don't know any of them? Didn't your mother work for Beth Kane's family."

Ryan: "Stop saying my name like I don't know it. And of course I know Beth Kane. She's friggin famous, but I don't know her like that!"

Dr. Rhyme: "But you see, that you talk about her like you'd never seen her before that day, and yet you do know her, is an example of your tendency to share information as it serves whatever story you're hoping we believe. It does nothing for your credibility."

Ryan: "What kind of doctor did you say you were? Because you're obviously not here to help me."

Dr. Rhyme: "Well, that's just the thing. I was asked to speak with you to explore if I could help you, and sadly, I'm not sensing that I can. That you're so closed to considering the possibility that your story has gaps in it, and that your perspective is meant to protect you above all else, suggests you're not going to be able to evolve beyond where you are right now. And, unfortunately, that means you'll have to follow through with your sentence, and serve your time."

~~~~~

JUNE 29TH, 9:00PM, THE HOLD UP

Jordan: “You know, staring at that hallway isn’t going to magically make Robyn walk through it.” 

Sophie: “What?”

Sophie looks at Jordan, confused. She’s behind the bar, on her tablet, sorting through her merchandising order to replenish their inventory, and the proximity of Jordan’s voice surprises her. 

Jordan: “You’ve looked over in that direction like a hundred times. Did she say she was coming down, or something?” 

Sophie: “No. We don’t even talk like that. And, I’m not waiting for her anyway.” 

Jordan: “Sure, sis. But wait, you mean to tell me you haven’t even asked for her number, yet?”

Sophie puts her tablet down, and looks at her sister with more focus, trying to decide how to answer her question. They’ve never done this before. Usually, conversations about crushes went the other way around, with Sophie picking up on when Jordan was talking about a kid at school a little more frequently. And, Sophie moved away when Jordan became old enough to really pay attention to who she might be interested in. 

Regardless, Sophie isn’t even sure if that’s what this is: her being interested in Robyn or not. She does know that Robyn has been a positive addition to the mixed up bunch of people that seem to be Sophie’s friends. And, it isn’t as if she’s bad company, or hard on the eyes. That said, she hardly knows her.

Sophie: “We have not exchanged numbers, no…” 

Jordan: “Sophie. Be for real.”

Sophie: “What Jordan?! I think you’re jumping.”

Jordan: “No, I think you’re sitting, when you should be running to the fine ass woman who’s gone out of her way to take care of us since she walked through that door.” 

Sophie: “I’m pretty sure she’s not even into me.” 

Jordan: “I can’t with you. What are you even talking about?”

Sophie: “I don’t know. We ran into each other yesterday - literally - and talk about running…she nearly sprinted in the other direction. I had to check if I had B.O. or something.” 

Jordan: “Maybe she feels some type of way about the fact that you’ve had soooo many opportunities to ask for her number and haven’t yet.” 

Sophie sighs, exasperated, and ready to be done with this conversation. 

Sophie: “Is this what you came over here for: to give me a hard time about my dating life?” 

Jordan: “Nah, I wanted to talk about something else…” 

Sophie: “Okay… This sounds serious.” 

Jordan: “Well, I know you wanted me to go away to college last year, and you didn’t love that I took a year off, instead. And, that you’re expecting it was just one year, and I’ll be enrolling this fall…” 

Sophie: “Right…why does it sound like you’re about to drop bad news on me?”

Jordan: “Well, I did start the process, it’s just that… Man, this school is hella expensive, Soph. I mean, we have a family business. Why do I need to go away to school, when clearly my destiny is to run The Hold Up? And I get it,  you want me to get an education, but I can enroll in community college, and stay close to keep helping you and mom out. Especially now that we’re paying a whole extra bartender, do we really need to be spending money to send me to school?”

Sophie: “Jordan, it’s not your job to worry about money. It’s your job to worry about getting the best education you can, and setting yourself up for success so that you will be in better shape when you graduate. Hopefully you’ll end up with a job that affords you benefits.” 

She says that last part under her breath. She’s all for entrepreneurship, and a part of her loves that her mom is a small business owner - yaasss Black Girl Magic and all - but there are some tradeoffs to this life.

Jordan: “That’s the thing. I don’t even know what I would want to study. I’m just going to be wasting our money while I try to figure it out.”

Sophie: “As much as I appreciate this sudden interest and accountability for how this family manages its finances, that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do in college: go figure stuff out. You deserve that chance, J. We’ve grown up pretty fast, as it is. You don’t have to rush everything.” 

Jordan: “I don’t know, Soph. Leaving you guys feels pretty selfish. AND, you just got back. Let’s be real…we’re just now starting to get along again. How’s me leaving going to help anything?”

Sophie drops her shoulders, and pulls her little sister into a forced hug that Jordan doesn’t even bother trying to fight. 

Sophie: “I see you’ve thought a lot about this, and I don’t want to minimize your feelings. I also really want you to think about some of what I’ve said. So, what if you give me a chance to look into the money stuff, and we regroup over a sister dinner to talk it all over. And, we can celebrate whatever decision we come to together with a movie?” 

Jordan responds against Sophie’s shoulder. 

Jordan: “We’re both going to take the night off, and spend it together?!” 

Sophie: “You just said we have extra help, now. We might as well take advantage and have a little more fun.” 

Jordan looks up at her sister and smiles the most genuinely that Sophie’s seen since she got back. 

Jordan: “Alright, deal.” 

She breaks away, seemingly cheered up, and returns to the table she’s supposed to be serving. Sophie pulls her phone out of her back pocket and finds Tyler’s number. 

Sophie Cell: Fine. I’ll help. Can you be here tomorrow morning at 9AM, so we have a couple of hours for you to fill me in before the bar opens?

Tyler Cell: I’ll be there. 

~~~~~

To be continued...

Weekly Reminders:

Come back next Friday for part three.

All #Batwoman things I do now are in the name of #SaveBatwoman. Go follow all the social handles and support the cause, please.

Did you see the new shirt designs?

[mornyavie]

Man @my-smial I don't want to make that post any longer for the sake of OP's notes and our dashboards but the priorities of the 5E DMG are genuinely so baffling to me.

It's like they think the purpose of the DMG is not to, y'know, G the DM, but rather to provide enough tables that you can randomly generate an entire campaign.

except magic items those are too important for random gen.

Like here is the "magic item prices" table:

Doesn't even provide a randomness method (though there is a bit on this in the "selling magic items" section, which is under "downtime").

And here is the table for randomly generating the tactics used by a campaign villain:

(in case the prospect of making literally any decisions about the main feature of your campaign is scary, there's also tables for their motivation, identity, possible weakness, etc.)

There's 4 different d100 tables for determining various quirks of a major artifact in case you include one in your campaign, but virtually no information on... why and how you would do that.

Relatedly, here's the example dungeon map they provide:

If you look carefully, you'll notice that there's.... there's no key.

Even "Appendix C: Maps" doesn't contain a single example of a keyed map. Nowhere in the DMG do they mention "hey you can keep track of dungeon rooms by numbering them."

I don't know if this is a deliberate choice? A really wierd oversight? An example of the "experts in anything etc etc" principle?

Meanwhile, here's the equivalent example from the 3E DMG (3.0, specifically):

It's a fully keyed map, and the accompanying example of play instructs you on how to use map keys, descriptions, common abbreviations like boxed text and stat blocks, etc... as well as literally transcribing what a group playing this dungeon might sound like as they go through a few of the rooms.

The 3E DMG really emphasizes running dungeons over any other aspect of play, but at least it... shows you how to do that. The 5E DMG seems to assume that you've already learned to GM from somewhere else. It gives you lots of tools for building an adventure, but almost nothing on running one.

Several people in the notes of that post have mentioned that their advice for learning to DM 5E is to read the 4E DMG! I haven't spent much time with 4E so I can't speak to that specifically.* Nevertheless, I have to agree that the 5E DMG doesn't really feel like a necessary part of the book trio, and I wouldn't really feel like the teaching it does provide is worth the price tag.

*though from my understanding, encounter balancing and understanding the combat roles of various enemy types is one of 4E's strengths, and that's definitely a useful thing for a DM to get explicit advice on.

This doesn't really affect us since we don't play 5E often anyways, but. Rant written.

[catchingbigfish]

april update

i know i already joked about aries season ratcheting up my productivity, but like, it's so real lol. i literally finished the second draft of conversion in the first 11 days this month and really knocked my word goal out of the park.

ID in alt text

it's true though, aries season really is a fruitful period for me every year -- i wrote the first draft of conversion this time last year, and other than about 10k words, rewrote it entirely during literal aries season this year.

i'm trying to be more fluid with my goals because i always love to talk mad shit about how i want to establish a consistent, sustainable writing practice, but i just genuinely write best in strong bursts like this. it says my daily average was 5,488 words, and i technically only wrote 10 days this month; i did a lot of editing in the week after finishing it and have been working on other WIPs, but not in the sense of getting words on the page. my lowest day was 1,398 words, and my highest day was 13,317 words.

obviously, i ate up quite a lot of my yearly word count goal this month; i'm now at 55% of my yearly goal. i did also finish my wip intro which i'm really excited about, and i clearly burst through my other goal -- have an updated zero draft and write 16,000-ish words -- so i'm really happy with how april went!

may goals

i have no idea what my plan for may is going to be! i'm thinking about a new WIP that i haven't quite defined yet, but i think it's the newest iteration of the criminal/cop WIP i've lightly mentioned before, and i'm excited by the ideas that are forming in my head. i have a very rough idea of exactly what i want to do with it, so i'm going to let that keep brewing and see where i go from here. i'm also excited to get more reading done (i talk more about the books i'm reading/my reading goals over at my main, @prettytothink-so) and have one book on deck that i think is going to be really helpful for my thinking about so it goes, so that might crop up, too!

[scarves-and-coffee]

Scarves & Coffee Survey Results

Thank you very much to everyone that filled out the survey from last month! I truly appreciate each and every one of you sharing your thoughts on the site.

I wanted to go over most of the responses (some were redundant/already discussed) and respond to those publicly so you all know what's going on and what the future has in store for S&C (and maybe even field some more insight). Responses are under the cut:

Are there any changes or updates you would like to see to current features on Scarves & Coffee?

Currently the "Categories" available seem really limited - while posting things I noticed there were no options for historical, alternate meeting, canon compliant, or other common tropes. Also, the way of selecting categories and characters using the ctrl key is a little clunky and unintuitive.

All of the current categories on the site were directly ported from the original site and haven't really been updated since 2011. If you have any categories you would like to see added, please send in an Ask or reply below. (Though the categories may be split into major categories and tags in the future.) But yes, the form requiring the ctrl key to select multiple categories/characters is super annoying, adding that to the list.

Yes! I would like to see all the fics posted by kudos or most read not only the first ten!

You can sort the entire library by kudos/most read using the Browse Library page. Just click what you want to sort by in the search menu and then press "Search." You don't have to have anything in the Search box to sort/filter entries. The Top Tens page is just a page that was on the original site that showcases the top ten in each category for fun.

Some sort of RSS feed so I can track new stuff posted to the site without having to check ever couple days. The site is currently low traffic so I stopped visiting regularly.

Noted. Email notifications should be coming back soon as well.

What features would you like to see added to Scarves & Coffee? (this can be anything! feel free to request as much as you want, from anything as small as font size buttons on entries to something as ambitious as an archive gallery or forum)

- a similar thing to the *private* bookmark option on ao3 - If it is not already there, a function to DM a writer instead of having to leave a review or manually searching them out on tumblr. - A part of the website specifically designated for anyone to post prompts instead of fics, which works in the same way with the categories etc. A bit like a crossover between a forum and a fic archive. Writers could just browse through lists of prompts and pick whatever tickles their fancy. - Again, if not already present, a dark mode for reading at night, because let's be real here.. Who ever put away a book just because it was bedtime, when they were enjoying themselves?

Private bookmarks have been added to the to-do list. You can DM any user on the site by going to their profile page and clicking the "Message" link in the left sidebar (at the top on mobile). A prompts system is already on the to-do list, but I like the way it's described here. A dark mode for the text section of stories has already been implemented, but a full-site dark mode is on the to-do list.

back dating uploads

I know AO3 allows backdating entries, but I'm not 100% sure if it's a great idea for various reasons. But if many of you are interested in having that ability, I may implement it. If anyone else has an opinion on this, I'd love to hear about it below/in Asks.

Forums or more opportunities for user interactions would be great - I think making it more of a social space for users to post questions/ideas/thoughts about klaine, recommend or discuss fics, and have conversations about related topics would set the site apart from other options for posting fic.

Yes, I agree! I would love to have more interaction options on the site. I do plan on adding in a forum, maybe even a chat and journal posting system as well. These might be a ways away, but they are on the list, I promise.

I would like found the stories which are labelled with the special attention because they are most relevant and people liked these stories so much. A special section.

I think you're referring to some kind of Featured section, which the original S&C did have. I am open to adding that back in, I even have the log of what was originally featured. It has been added to the list.

I would like you to add the options You can save authors or books and also add the option for an author to follow a story abandoned many years ago.

We currently have the option to track/bookmark/give kudos to stories and track authors. But, favoriting for stories and adding them to Lists is on the to-do list.

What do you think would draw more active authors to add to the archive?

- Active partnership/collaboration with things like prompt bangs, the Lima Bean and the Klaine CC library for maximum exposure. - The prompt archive I mentioned previously.

I'm open to working with other Klaine fandom groups and events. I do have a really exciting feature planned that would allow events to be hosted on the site. I can't wait to share it with you all :)

knowing it is up and not going away

I hear you. I'm sure the site going down for over a year damaged some trust in the validity and longevity of separate site archives. However, rest assured that I plan on keeping this site alive as long as I'm here, and have taken measures to ensure that it'll never get lost again. In the event that things do go south (extremely unlikely at this point), the archive will be handed over to AO3's Open Doors project for preservation.

It needs to have elements that make it, in some way or another, equally or more attractive to post on than AO3. Somehow leaning into the Klaine-centric nature of it, or offering user interaction features that don't exist on AO3, might make it a better place to engage with readers about Klaine fic.

I agree. I think the upcoming interaction features I have planned will help with this.

Implementing the Cloudflare security like ff.net. I HATE that I have to authenticate regularly and it often fails.

I'm not sure what you're referring to regarding having to authenticate, and you didn't leave a contact account on the survey so I can't ask you directly about your experience. But I've personally never had an issue with authentication on the site on PC or mobile. The SSL certificate is valid and should show the Secure lock on browsers. If anyone has any more information on this issue or recently experienced anything similar, I'd love to hear about it below, in an Ask, or by message.

As a reader, what would draw you to or prevent you from using Scarves & Coffee?

Tag searching and filtering. The more specific the better, but it should still search for things if you misspell them or if you word your search differently than the popular tag. (Like on ao3)

Yes! I have adding a section for tags on my to-do list that would include blacklisting. However, I can't promise that it would work quite like on AO3, simply because S&C doesn't have a giant team of tag wranglers like AO3 does that allows it to have such a dynamic tagging system. But I'll try to make it as usable as possible.

I can’t find a story that I want to read in that moment easily. It’s difficult sorting stories.

I'm not really sure how to make it more straightforward besides adding a tagging system. There's the Categories page for specific categories and all of the filters on the browsing page. If you or anyone else has specific suggestions or ideas to improve finding stories, let me know.

How would you feel about Scarves & Coffee expanding to include entries from its former sister site, Sebklaine.net? Should they remain separate archives?

The majority has spoken! Sebklaine and S&C will remain separate archives, but....

Would you be open to Scarves & Coffee being part of a network of separate archives, such that you could use the same account to access each individual archive? Why or why not?

sure

Yes, so long as I can still choose what to share with the world (private bookmarks etc)

yes

I think this is a good compromise - ultimately I feel that they should remain separate, because I think a lot of users strongly feel that they want to see content from certain ships and not others. But having them be closely-connected sister sites in some fashion sounds like a great idea.

It’s easy use the same account!

Look out for some Sebklaine.net and It-Could-Happen.net related news at some point ;)

---------------------------------

Thank you again to everyone that participated. If you missed the survey and would like to share your opinion on any of the questions or responses, feel free to do so in the replies, by sending in an Ask, by messaging ritco, or emailing the site at admin@scarvesandcoffee.net.

-admin atlas

[solarishashernoseinabook]

Solaris reviews The Great Zoo of China, by Matthew Reilly (2015)

Ugh.

Content: Oh my gods was this book a trainwreck. Shoddy science, bland characterisation, poor writing - this book's got it all, folks.

Who I think would like it: I guess if you don't care about the science (or don't know it - no judgment there), and if you enjoy the author's writing style - many people apparently do, as he's an international best-seller - then go for it. You could also potentially get a bit of a laugh out of it.

Things it does well: The action was easy to follow, and I will say this: the book was memorable. I remembered actions and events pretty well. I also found I got through it surprisingly quickly (when I dedicated time to read it) - I'd go back to refer to an earlier bit I'd read and found I'd gotten through several pages at a time. Not gonna lie folks I had to think hard to come up with something for this section

Things that could be improved: I mean... -gestures vaguely at four posts worth of excerpts I shared- This book thinks italicised text and exclamation points are substitutes for good writing and as a result, every action scene - which make up a good 70% of the book - fell flat for me. I forgot who everyone was, except for CJ and her brother Hamish, the moment they were introduced. The writing is weak, shoddy, borderline insulting in places (seriously, if you're going to define something as forty feet deep, you do not also need to tell us it is four storeys deep, or vice versa). The science is a mess. Even if you're not educated in palaeontology or evolution, the notion that eggs could survive 65 million years is a slap in the face to clever writing and audience intelligence. Furthermore, the notion that dragons the world over just so happen to look similar to how Tolkein envisioned them is so patently false that it's utterly ridiculous. Everything, from the science to basic facts about the various dialects of Chinese to various dragon myths around the world, is so wrong, so off-base, that I wonder how terribly sheltered Reilly must be to have zero exposure to anything outside his little sphere.

My review: What can I say about this book that I haven't already? If you want a well-researched, action-packed story that also serves as a meditative treatise on the wisdom of resurrecting prehistoric creatures and then containing them in a zoo, this book is not for you. However, if you want a light read where you can turn your brain off and read about some action and death at the hands of impressive giant monsters...this is also not the book for you. I've referenced Jurassic Park quite a bit when talking about this book, but Ian Malcolm summed up my thoughts on it best:

[GIF ID: Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park standing next to a huge dung pile, saying "That is one big pile of shit." /end]

Does this book have…: ✅= yes ❓= not sure ⭕= possibly/mixed ❌= no Romance? ❌ At the very end, one character kisses CJ's cheek and asks if they can go to coffee. A paragraph on the final page mentions that they visit occasionally. You could easily miss it entirely. Sex? ❌ No on-screen sex or masturbation or implied off-screen sex or masturbation. There's maybe one or two references to clubs where stripping or sexy dancing might happen, but it's confined to a line or so. Racism? ✅ It's more startlingly ignorant than actively malicious (at least for the most part), but there's a lot of sinophobia in this book. While there are many valid criticisms to be made of the Chinese government, Reilly goes far beyond any of them. One of my friends pointed out that the way Lucky the dragon speaks is uncomfortably close to racist stereotypes of East Asian people speaking English, and when the book isn't being outright contemptuous or ignorant of China and its people, it's heavily exoticising it in a way that's odd and almost uncomfortable to read (think of that passage about how amazing it was that Chinese people built a city, no really, it's absolutely stunning that they put together a collection of buildings when it was needed folks). It also drops the term "Chinaman" at one point, which I'm leery of given how the author treats Chinese characters in the rest of the book. Sexism? ✅ CJ is Not Like The Other Girls, folks. The best I can say is that no character, including CJ, is well-defined enough to fall into many of the typical #MenWritingWomen problems, but it's still not good. LGBTQIA-phobia? ❌ Ableism? ✅ ⭕ A character gets called a "sociopath" (or maybe psychopath, tbh I don't fully remember as most people use the terms as interchangable insults) early on. The descriptions of CJ's scars, and the negative attention laid on them, can be read as ableist in places. Swearing? ✅ Constantly. Even when my brother was an edgy teenager he didn't swear as much as this book did. Drug/Alcohol references? ❓ I think there's some references to alcohol sprinkled throughout, but it's more references to bars and bartenders. I don't recall any characters actually drinking in the book. References to or actual violence or suicide? ✅ Lotsa violence, lotsa gore. You'll read gross descriptions of organs outside the body and people dying in brutal ways. References to or actual animal death or cruelty? ✅ Oh yes. So much animal abuse happens in this book. Plus it ends with almost all the dragons dying.

Recommended: No

[1d1195]

A PENNY?!?! Sam literally how?! AND FOR JEANS?! but you know what I would try to achieve that high again too lol But yay for shopping! Hope you got some lovely stuff bestie!

Dealing with teens all day for the entire work week is CRAZY so I dont blame you for having constant headaches lol oddly enough my brother is the one that suffers from headaches lol Oh hormones for sure cause the stomach to be wack which is so unfair! this period will NOT affect you on your break!! A period is never fun but hope youre taking care of yourself!

ME TOO!!! I do not fit in those flared/bell bottom jeans thats trendy now which is tragic solely because that's all i ever see in stores!?! Im also not even close to being considered tall or petite and those just make me look so off too bahah So skinny jeans for me have always been the option where although not the best option, they are the lesser evil of jeans lol

AWW that's so cute! Little Sam was such an icon for that!(you still are obvi) You should for sure should revisit the marry janes for the fall!!! I am waiting for that day too! Sam I don't think you know how much of a HATER i am of electric scooters, i am fighting a battle everyday trying not to get killed by them on campus 😭 But I love that coleege was walkable for you! It must have been nice getting to know the area well!

I had a feeling you played softball at least! Idk if my mind was just projecting the Made to be Universe/storyline but softball seemed like something you would have done/enjoyed! But omg you were like a full on athlete?! That's so cool! Not the injuries of course but the rest is!

I tense up so quickly because im very awkward about my feelings😭SAM THERE HAD TO BE MANY THAT FOUND YOU HOT! i kid you not being smart is SO attractive! Plus a cute girly who is GOOD at math in a typically guy dominated field!? The puns seem like a very you thing and i love that honestly! I think its so cute when people do that!

ALSO THAT POLL😭 bestie I cant choose😭I need them ALL! I spent a good minute thinking about my vote lol very excited though!

Have such a lovely start to your break Sam! love you!-💜

If there is a coupon I will find it lol. I can't tell you how many times I've signed up for American Eagle text messages and then unsubscribed just to get 15% off every time. I think I had a crazy reward and then the jeans were already on sale. I'm pretty sure they have to charge you something in order for the sale to go through so I think they HAD to charge me something.

I'm already enjoying my break actually despite my period. Thank God for Midol tbh I think I would die without it. My body is very clockwork so after cramps for a FUN 24 hours it's usually much more manageable. I HAVE to take meds though even if I don't feel crampy right away. The second my body realizes I'm on my period it's like "TIME FOR CRAMPS" and again, if I don't take the meds right away I get behind the pain and I am FUCKED for the remainder of the 24 hours.

I am trying to relax as much as possible because May and June are going to be crazy with senior prom/graduation and stuff. Plus I've outsourced myself as well for lots of other projects 🙃 I really need to learn to say no (time to reread Dolcezza) But I plan on finishing this book I'm reading (I haven't done very well reading lately, but I'm telling myself it's okay because it's not a race and I read a lot early on.) I do have to do some lesson planning but I actually enjoy that because I find math soothing like a psychopath hahahahaha

That's amazing you like skinny jeans. I feel so ostracized sometimes when it comes to my jeans choices. All my friends and coworkers have moved on with the trends and I'm still in 2013/2014/2015/2016 hahaha. VERY controversial: I actually really like jeans. I always by jegging jeans so they're super stretchy and comfy. Obviously if I can wear leggings I will hahahaha.

I'm crying about the electric scooter. You must be on a sizable campus to have electric scooters that's so funny. People drove their bikes/skateboards around campus a lot but no scooters. I loved the area my college was in (I actually live down the street from it in an apartment now because I love this area so much) it's very much the setting behind My Friend's Toyota hahaha

LOOK AT YOU MISS DETECTIVE HAHAHAHAHA I didn't even realize that about Made to Be that's so funny and true. I tried a bit of everything tbh. I did swimming (mostly so I wouldn't die growing up on the beach) and tennis lessons which I wasn't good at either but I really enjoyed anyway. I suck at ice skating (do you know how often you use your ankles for pretty much every sport? 🙃) and idk what it is about basketball but I may as well just sit in the middle of the court it would be less harmful to those around me.

OH BESTIE SAME HERE ABOUT FEELINGS. Everyone around me told me my bf liked me before we started dating and I was like "No he doesn't he thinks I'm gross" ☠ if they found me hot and attractive I kinda wish they told me! 😭 it's selfish but it would have done a nice boost to my ego. I was never the 'looked' at friend if you will. I called myself The DUFF™ all throughout middle and high school I really did a number on my self-esteem 😭 I am probably a little toxic when it comes to being a STEM girly lol because I tried so hard in high school and college to prove I was just as smart as the boys (sometimes more actually 😉)

For the poll it's just about the order which I think is kind of fun! I hope other people are enjoying it--I find it really helpful! I thought I did a lot of my more "obscure" stories on the last round of voting so I thought it would be nice to bring back some of the more popular series. I almost threw Protection on there too but thought it was too much (and too mean to make that decision) hahahaha

💕💕

xoxo

[hexdsl]

Deaths End (by Lui Cixin)

Does it ever end?

Death's End is the third instalment of 'The Three Body Problem' trilogy. The trilogy is not an easy read, its at times an oppressive slog. It's not cheerful. Its not bright and its not optimistic. But it is wonderfully well written. Obviously the credit for this goes to the writer, Liu Cixin but we have to have to send quite a lot of thanks to Ken Liu who translated this work from its original Chinese into English. The translation is naturalistic and flowing. Honestly it did not at all read like it was a translated text. Great work my dudes!

I am not a smart man. This was made more obvious than ever when, 200 pages into Death's End, I realised that I was not reading the first book in the Trilogy, I was reading The last. Not my finest moment. I know, 'How does that even happen?' I hear you scream. Well, the trilogy was recommended to me by a friend in a voice chat. It sounded good but, as always I try to avoid too much 'exposure' to stories before I read them. If you own a Kindle (which I do) and you search for 'The Three Body Problem' it will by default sort it in order of recency/popularity. So the book in the series that get displayed to you are in the reverse order. Being lazy I clicked on the first one that was on the Kindle, titled in the store as 'Deaths End: The Three Body Problem.'

I honestly thought it was written somewhat cryptically on purpose and by the time I realised my mistake, I was 200 pages into the 595 page slog. So screw it, I went 'ride or die' on it and slogged on.

As it turns out this book isn't a direct continuation of a story its more a third part in the sense that it is influenced by the events of the earlier portions and takes place in the same universe. I was able to decipher most if the events through the exceptionally well written flow of the work. I honestly think that by the end I had pretty much got it all. History and outcome, political motivations and people. It's all subtly re-capped through events.

It takes actual effort to read and you will not be dipping in for a few pages. This work will demand your attention. It's a slow and surgical read that expects you to keep up. Also, in case you are bored of reading already, it's bloody good!

The premise.

Now, I'm not someone who cares about spoilers in the traditional sense, I try to go into books 'untouched' but I don't obsess about not known things. That said, this entire post will be as spoiler free as possible because this work is dense and I honestly can't break it down in a way that will be useful.

Its the future, humans are in a state of war with some aliens called Trisolaran's and our 'hero' Cheng Xin spends her time being a mild mannered aerospace engineer. Things happen and she has to work on a planetary defence project. The aliens are on their way and they know EVERYTHING because they have invisible spies on earth who can instantly transmit our plans home. The spies are called Sophons and they are cool AI things that the writer makes an effort not to explain in too much detail.

Eventually she sends a man's brain into space, in hopes of getting some intel! - That actually makes sense when explained in the book.

Some other things happen and Cheng Xin has an adventure in time and space via the power of Cryo sleep.

And that's all the plot you are going to get out of me.

The execution.

Fuck. Just... Fuck... This thing is a real, proper science fiction novel the likes of which I haven't seen since the 60's. It respects its reader enough to not spoon feed and it respects its science enough to explain the principals on which its based and does so in a naturalistic way that doesn't feel forced.

The characters are rigid and dedicated but not in a badly written way. They are wooden in a quite direct and intended delivery all the way through. Each person we encounter in the entire novel is dedicated to the goal of saving the human race and that is a motivating fire that pushed them to be all business, all the time.

There was a moment early on when I thought it was a result of cultural differences between Chinese and English story telling styles, or just the writers individual style. Then I met the character "Sophon" (Not the previously mentioned Sophon spies that we can't see but an individual woman) She was an tornado on unpredictability. Her demeanour never matches her goal and her methods are borderline insane. I loved this character, she is the perfect woman, while also being deeply disturbing. Honestly a wonderful antagonist (for a bit.)

Another character I enjoyed was Ai (艾AA) a warm young woman who becomes cold at times because thats whats required of her, some times coldness being the only choice a person could make in times of struggle. She is both the soul of the work (at times) as well as being the eyes voice of our species (as Cheng Xin seems to hear it.)

Structurally the story reminded me of the classic 'A Canticle for Leibowitz' but was a stronger narrative because the lead character is with you from start to finish.

While the work is oppressive (and it really it) the overall experience as you read seems worthwhile and feel like its going somewhere. It has a point and its makes it elegantly. This point is that we need to work together and humans are idiots who's self interest is destroying us as a planet. But it doesnt reach out slapping up with this point. It illustrates it through story. Ironically there is a portion of the book dedicated to a fiarly tale that has hidden meaning. Deaths End its self is somewhat like that. Its a parellell that a lesser writer would congratulate them selves for right away but this novel lets you unravel this your self and is all the more wonderful because of it.

The one thing that put a big downer on the whole thing, for me at least is that it didn't really nail the ending. I won't spoil it, obviously. I would have liked to see more of a pay off to the events. It's almost like the writer went "yeah, that'll do" and just stopped. There were at least two other places it could have ended that would actually have made it more emotional and poignant.

Also there is an event in the last act of the book that I'm fairly sure was supposed to shock and delight me. I saw it coming miles away. Not sure if I was alone there. I'll have to talk to some other people who have read it.

The Post book cool down.

The moment I finished the last page of this book, I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. Finishing this book is like ending a hard day of work. You feel better for it and you need a little time to recover. That said, I picked up the first book and started slogging through it the very next day. I feel like its a book that rewards you for sticking with it and I owe it to the characters to see exactly how we got to the point we did at the start.

Do you recommend it?

I loved it, but not until it was over. I felt like it was something I needed to get through and at one point regretted ever starting it. But over all it is something that I won't soon forget. It really is the best example of "hard" science fiction I have read recently. My love of harder edged science fiction is the main reason I mostly read older books. The main difference is that the older books have a pretty real vein of optimism and hope going through them that this work was missing by design.

This story would not have worked with a super hopeful lead character and thats its main defining feature. Oppression is a features of the style of this work, in a way that is integral to its gravitas. When most book are all down in the dumps to seem cool and Emo its a thing I hate but Death's End would not have been the same work if it were anything else. Partly because its not trying to be cool and Emo. Its honestly a reflection of its self, it would have been vastly different if you felt like it was a throw away romp.

If you think you will make it through the Three Body Problem, don't start with this book. But when you get here, you won't be let down.