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neutron-stars-collision · 4 years

Text

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 21 - Losing My Religion

Masterlist; Chapter 20

Summary: After Tallinn, you use the opportunity and visit Neil’s apartment. What you find there, only increases the confusion, just as the pieces are set for the endgame.

Warnings: Swearing; angst.

Author’s Notes: This was a challenge, and it’s a little different too, a breather before the real fun begins... or something. After this we move onto the icebreaker... (and things). I’ll shut up now, hope you’ll enjoy and all kind of feedback are greatly welcomed!

The clean up after TP’s little accident on the highway was difficult. And tiring. By the time you have dealt with the mess and could call it a day, you wanted nothing but to sleep. And also disappear from the face of the Earth. That second thing was rather tricky to achieve. Unfortunately. You had to settle for the slightly awkward space given by the rest of the team and the fact that you were bound to return to London the next day. That was something. Even if it meant having to debate whether those damned keys were to be used.

The journey back was uneventful. Only Wheeler seemed capable of talking to you without looking as though she has been trapped in some metaphorical web of ineptitude that the others got caught in. That was alright. At least she knew how that conversation in the container went. Her company was good enough to keep you from going insane for the time being.

The moment the car arrived at the London quarters, you practically bolted out through the door. Eager to finally have your own space to reflect, cry, and try to move on after the unimaginable. But it was not exactly meant to be given…

“Y/N, wait!” Ives’ voice rung out through the reception hall as you skidded down the corridor.

Crap.

“Yeah?” cautiously, you stopped in your tracks, facing the squad leader.

Making the mistake of glancing at the reception desk, you met Anna’s watchful gaze. Of course. Even though you knew she had no clue about anything that transpired between you and Neil, it still felt like a painful reminder.

“I…uh...” the hesitation in Ives’ voice made you frown, “I just got this, and I’m not sure…” he passed you his phone with a strange expression on his face.

A text from TP. Just like the ones you received before. Right… This one had a familiarly succinct form: “Invert for eight days with the army from tomorrow. Then get to Trondheim, awaiting further instructions”

“Is this from him?” you looked up to see the blue eyes boring into yours with confusion.

“Yeah, it must be” you nodded and handed him back the phone.

At that exact moment, you got a text as well. Hurriedly you took out the device and read the message:

“Invert along with Ives and the rest”.

Short and simple. Yet not at all. Without a word, you showed your companion the text message and stifled a heavy sigh. Inversion. Eight days. Trondheim. That most likely confirmed your worst fears. The end of it all was near, and you were needed there. You, Neil, and everyone else still had their parts to play in the most important of showdowns.

“So, I guess we’re going back” you could feel Ives’ inquisitive stare on you “Just like they are” he added, awaiting a response.

Meeting Neil after those eight upcoming days sounded like a nightmare. Because a week was never enough to fall out of love. Or to even attempt it. You were a lost cause.

“…yep” nodding halfheartedly, you could feel another weight settle on your shoulders.

“Excited?” the intensity of Ives’ look convinced you towards his intentions.

Evidently, he tried to get a clue towards your state, probably assessing whether you could endanger the mission in any way. Despite everything, you were a professional. A Tenet agent. That had to come before any personal issues you might have had. Forcing a smile, you met his gaze with sincerity.

“Not really” a shrug completed the response.

But it was enough as he grinned back and squeezed your shoulder reassuringly.

“It’s alright. Have today off and be ready tomorrow morning,” he ordered with a feigned sternness.

“Aye aye, sir” you saluted, enjoying the laugh it prompted.

Maybe not everything was utterly shit.

“Your edge is still intact, I see,” he commented once the laughter died down.

“At least something is then” you grimaced slightly and walked off with a wave.

A day off. What could one possibly do with something like that after everything? The set of keys in your pocket felt heavy for something that small. And insignificant (in theory).

*** It took you one hour of staring at the wall, a thirty-minute-long shower, and two coffees to decide to make use of the keys. After all, what was the harm? It was a way of spending the idle hours. And maybe to understand him a little better. Even if it was too late to save anything. You wanted to know him. To know his mind and heart. You dug out the note with the address Ives gave you and typed it into the maps app. Your hands were shaking the whole journey. Even though it was not far, it turned out to be challenging. Often you were catching yourself glancing at the phone, expecting him to call or text as he always did. But then you remembered, making the nerves come to the surface again. You wondered whether it was because of the absolute wreckage your relationship became or because you were unable to contact him in any way. Walking the streets leading to Neil’s apartment, you realised that it was probably both. You missed him. Simple as that. And equally complicated at the same time.

Google maps led you to an old docking space transformed into posh loft spaces in two store buildings of dark red brick. The residential area was completed with a large parking lot (full of rather good cars), making the first question of the day pop into your head: Did Neil have a private car? Something that unimportant yet entirely mundane only made you realise how little you knew of his life. But this was exactly why you came here. The second thought was something you always knew yet never took time to ponder on: the fact that he undeniably had money. It did not matter, of course. Just another fact that could as a trigger for the intrusive ideas to appear.

Ignoring the spiraling thoughts, you made your way to the indicated building, keying in the code at the door and following the stairs to the second floor. The apartment door no 4 looked like any other you have passed on the way. Turning the key in the lock, you took a deep breath, gathering courage for god knows what. Perhaps just being alone with everything that had to do with Neil… The door opened soundlessly. Faint daylight from the corridor fell onto the furniture and objects gathered in the hall, helping your eyes adjust to the darkness. You closed the door and locked it. The least you could have wanted was for someone to break in on your watch. Now that would have made him hate you. If he didn’t already, that is. Taking off the shoes, you scanned the hall. Hooks with various jackets and coats on the wall. Including a slightly weathered leather one that perked your interest. With fingers ghosting the material, you were unable to block the images of Neil wearing it. That was enough to make you blush and curse out loud. That won’t help with getting over him. As though that was even possible.

Next, your eyes landed on the shoes rack in the corner showing off Neil’s questionable taste in footwear. You grimaced when spotting another pair of brogues (that would have to go… if there was any future for you) and then smiled involuntarily at something as casual as old converse on the top shelf of the rack. So, he could dress more… normally. Interesting.

The rest of the space was filled with a large mirror and a cupboard full of random objects such as spare lightbulbs, shoe care products, and cleaning supplies. On top of that cupboard, there was a succulent (practical, you had to admit), a desk calendar, and a small notepad filled with Neil’s writing. The contents ranged from shopping lists to quantum physics, making you grin fondly when looking through the pages. The latest entry was written down in haste and barely eligible. What you deciphered made your heart stumble for the first time that day. It seemed like Neil was planning to invite you over after Tallinn, prepare dinner, and apparently do all that ‘he wanted to for a while’. Brilliant. The notepad fell from your hands as the implications dawned on you. He wanted to set everything straight, to talk and potentially tell you important things… But now, it did not matter. There was no post-Estonia. Just you alone in his cold, darkened apartment, full of doubts, regrets, and worries.

Shivering from both the chill and the anxiety, you ventured into the living room. It was an open space with a large leather sofa, TV, record player with shelves full of albums and vinyls. There were also bookcases filled to the brim and a dining table for four. Once your gaze fell onto the black piano in the corner, you did a double-take. Obviously, Neil was musically talented. All those times when he has been desperate to annoy you by singing various corny love songs in public were an indisputable example. A moment like that from Tallinn flashed before your eyes…

You and Neil sat in a restaurant on one of the ‘dates’ you had managed to fit into the schedule before TP arrived in Estonia. Cozied up in the corner on a comfortable sofa, you felt perfectly at peace. Instead of taking the seat opposite, Neil got as close as it was possible without raising eyebrows of the fine clientele. You were chatting about everything and nothing, occasionally taking sips of the coffees and letting your hands rest on each other’s knees. Other times they would be interlocked on the table between the plates, showing to the world that this was no platonic meetup. Using the natural break in the conversation, you finished the remains of your latte and watched as Neil focused on the radio somewhere in the background. By this point, you should have known better, but still, the second he started singing took you by surprise.

‘Pretty woman I don't believe you, you're not the truth No one could look as good as you, mercy’

His gaze settled on you without that mercy, awaiting a response. His lips curled into a deadly smirk, making the matters worse. For a moment, you wanted to ignore him, to deny him the satisfaction. But the way he stared, enunciating the song lyrics with precision and aiming them at you, triggered the familiar desire to stake your claim. To make him (and everyone else) understand that he was yours. Especially with a voice that beautiful and eyes that looked at you with boundless affection.

‘Pretty woman that you look lovely as can be Are you lonely just like me’

It was the cheesy growl at the end of that stanza that did it. Combined with the huskiness of Neil’s voice and his hand appearing on your thigh underneath the table, it was enough to convince you to shut him up the best way you knew. You leaned in, placing your palm on the inside of his thigh, just close enough to remind him. Capturing his lips in a kiss, you did not have to wait long for Neil to invite you closer. You began the intimate dance, getting lost in the moment entirely. With him being in public did not matter. Especially not when he was giving you everything he could on a silver plate. Those days every kiss threatened to evolve into a full make-out session as you tried to get ever closer to him. That is why when you heard an awkward cough followed by “Miss, Sir, I’m sorry, but I need to ask you to leave” you could only start laughing. That was two days before your walk, which ended in the alley. The rest was history.

Shaking your head slightly, you let go of the memory. Has it gotten even colder? Shivering, you spotted a sweater draped on the side of the sofa. Crossing the space, you glanced at the instrument that caught your attention. A simple black Kawai piano with a Chopin music score opened on the fallboard and the stool underneath. If there even was a future, you wanted to hear him play something. You could almost picture it. Those long, elegant fingers on the black and white keys, hitting every note with perfection and the flourish he applied to every single task. His gaze focused. Golden hair falling into his eyes carelessly. Lips parted, tongue poking out in concentration. He was bound to be a sight as usual.

Ignoring the waking up flutters that always accompanied every thought about Neil, you picked up the sweater. It was the colour of dark red wine, simple and yet sophisticated in its simplicity. Cashmere. He really is posh. Giving in to the sudden whimsy, you breathed in the smell. That was a mistake. The moment Neil’s essence overwhelmed your senses, you felt a surge of feelings. The musky scent, the hints of bergamot and lavender that always brought comfort. Before you could second guess everything, you put the sweater on, letting the smell envelope you like his hugs always did. It was another thing that you missed. The ability to rest within his strong embrace, safe and wanted. The feeling of his arms cradling you with care. Without the solidity beneath your hands, it was hard to remember how it felt. The sweater had to do. You rolled up the sleeves and approached the large window, drawing back the curtains to see the view and let in light. The sight certainly was not disappointing with the lookout on the Thames and the docking ships. The area looked peaceful, like the place you could want to go out on walks and spend the rest of your life… No, stop. That was a dangerous line of thinking. After all, you only came here to satisfy the curiosity. And because you could, with nothing left to lose. Well, maybe apart from your sanity.

With the day shedding some light onto the furniture and objects in the room, you could more closely assess the type of person Neil was. The décor was rather posh (nothing surprising there) with leather, dark wood, and refined fabrics gracing the space. But upon a closer look, you could see the hints of Neil’s personality shining through the bounds of the stereotypes. It was visible in the chaos of the little details. Billy Idol album discarded on the CD player making you smile. The dying plants on the windowsill. The opened book on the coffee table right next to a bar of chocolate and some bullets. What even…

Looking around the space, you could easily picture him there. It was like entering a museum of Neil’s life and heart, and you were just a mere visitor. A trespasser even though you had the keys. Lost in the thoughts, you approached the bookshelves, looking over the titles. Young and Freedman’s University Physics with Modern Physics with a worn-out spine and a library stamp on the title page (a theft?). Griffith’s Introduction to Quantum Mechanics with scribbles on the margins, making your head hurt. More Quantum Mechanics but only getting increasingly complex. Spacetime and Geometry. In between the textbooks, there were classics of English and American literature, proving your theory that Neil knew the canon well. All those quotations had to come from somewhere… You looked over the further titles relating to the nuclear area of Physics and relativity of time, only to be thrown out of the moment when your eyes landed on a photograph in a wooden frame. A grinning young man with warm brown eyes and curly dark hair sat on the bench in the park. Alex. Picking up the photo, you took a closer look, feeling inexplicable heaviness in your chest. He looked just like Neil described him – an essence of goodness and understanding. The lump in our throat was strange. He still loved Alex that was a fact and something you took for granted. For a second, you wondered whether you could ever be half that important to him. But that was selfish. And wrong.

Swallowing hard, you put down the frame, focusing on another one nearby. In that photo, you recognized everyone. Ives with slightly longer hair grinning widely, next to him Wheeler with her practical bun and amused eyes, TP relaxed like always when in the company of friends. And then… You would recognize those eyes and sharp jaw anywhere, but… He’s not naturally blonde? You stared at the man who was undoubtedly Neil but with light brown hair, just as messy as usual. Interesting. You did suspect he dyed the hair but still having confirmation was unexpected. Staring a little longer at the photo, you already knew that it did not matter. He was a work of art, full stop. The rest of the photos depicted the Tenet crew, apart from the one you assumed was a family snapshot from years ago. Two happy boys with mundane looking parents and a Labrador retriever (Charlie!). Upon a closer look, you could tell that Neil got his blue eyes after his mother and the smile after his father. It was an interesting discovery. Other objects littering the shelves included postcards, trinkets from travels, and a strange collection of obscure coins. Also, more notebooks with Neil’s equations and theories and music scores. There was no order, just fate, and fancy. Just like him.

Wandering into the kitchen, running your fingertips over various instruments and surfaces, you wanted to soak in the atmosphere of the apartment. So far, the new information was almost overwhelming. But also fascinating in the fact that you already felt like you knew him better. Glancing at the fridge in passing, you froze. Among the cheap promotional magnets and old shopping notes attached to it, there was a rather familiar writing visible. A note you made Anna pass to him many weeks ago. “I’ll be at the shooting range. Meet you for dinner after 5” signed with your initials for practicality. Why has he kept it? It did not make sense. You forgot about the existence of something that inconsequential, yet here it was. Kept in place with a blaring orange magnet from Sainsbury’s. Suddenly feeling a little faint with the implications of the moment, you poured tap water into the glass and sat down on the stool by the kitchen island. You could still remember Anna’s offended stare when you gave her the note with the instruction to pass it to Neil later. That memory triggered another one, much more recent…

In the days leading up to Tallinn, you went out with Neil for a lunch and walk under the guise of planning the logistics of your journey. Sure, there was some planning being done over the tea and sandwiches. But there was also a lot of hand-holding, kissing, and gazing shamelessly. It was during those days, and then the idle hours in the safe house, that you have allowed yourself to love him. The feelings were there for months (most likely), but only after Oslo and the candid conversations in your room, you felt more at ease with them. So far, that PDA was not all that terrifying. And so, when you came back to the London quarters that afternoon, your fingers intertwined, you only realised how it looked like from the outside when Neil tugged you in the direction of Anna’s desk.

“What are you doing?” you hissed, hoping the woman was too busy to see you.

“I told you, need to get that ID sorted,” he explained, matching your conspiratorial tone, completely oblivious to your struggles.

“Yeah, but…” you raised your joined hands as if to show him the issue.

Neil grinned, waving his free hand dismissively.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s not like that’s against the rules” ending the sentence, he took the final step separating you from the desk.

Great. Plastering on the most pleasant of smiles, you met Anna’s accusatory glare. You could not blame her.

“Anna, hi” Neil’s bright grin got met with a cold face of stone.

You vividly remembered that first day at Tenet, when you were filling in the paperwork, observing him flirt with the woman behind the desk. Back then, you were baffled by her reaction, the fluttering of eyelashes and lovesick smiles. Now you wondered how you got to that point and why you were seemingly luckier than she could ever be.

“Yes?”

“My ID is expiring soon. Was wondering if you could give me the form for the new one?” Neil’s chirpy tone made you hide a smile by looking at the floor “I want to get this sorted for after we’re back” he added, with that hopeful gaze barely anyone could ever say no to.

Anna was not any different.

“Naturally,” she spared you a final spiteful look before turning around to use the computer.

Glancing around the empty lobby, you hoped to survive the rest of the encounter without any additional awkwardness. But Neil had other plans. He stepped in closer, nose brushing over your ear, tearing down any illusions about the nature of your relationship. You stifled a sigh when his lips placed a small kiss over your temple.

“Shall we go to yours after this?” the whisper complemented with a ghost of his fingers on the side of your neck made you shiver.

“Maybe…” you cast a wary glance at Anna, but her back was turned.

Thankfully.

“I thought we could resume the planning…” upon the suggestive tone, you turned to meet his gaze.

Surely enough, the playful sparks were there. And the smirk too. Of course. Planning, in this case, most likely meant more cuddling… and potentially kissing. His hands getting accustomed to your body, leaving countless promises for the future. The thoughts alone made you blush. Before Neil could get any closer, Anna’s voice interrupted the moment:

“Here’s your form,” nothing but ice and fury.

So, she must have noticed…

“Thanks” the polite nod made you snicker.

During the next few terribly long minutes, you did your best to avoid looking at the other woman. Or at Neil. Your gaze roamed over the ceiling, the walls, and the floor. Reading the same fire evacuation instructions for the fifth time, you felt a gentle touch on your arm:

“Can I put down your details as my emergency contact?” you looked up straight into those inquisitive blue eyes “I’ve had Ives the last two years, but I think you’re a more accurate option these days,” he explained as though it was obvious.

Emergency contact? You always assumed those were for best friends and spouses. You were not sure which fitted the criteria.

“How so?” blurting out the only viable question, you met his perplexed gaze.

“… because I’m with you and not with him” the bluntness of the reply made your heart stumble.

“Right”

Of course, you agreed. As a ‘thank you’ that afternoon, Neil kissed you until there was barely any breath left for either of you. Now you missed the feeling of being that desired.

And yet, that stupid note was right there, in your eyes a bright red spot that you could not ignore. Because surely, he must have cared at some point? You finished the remains of water and washed the glass. Then, just for the sake of a distraction, you went through the kitchen cupboards. Nothing surprising. Appliances that looked barely used. Canned food every Brit would be expected to have. The amounts of frozen meals in the lower fridge compartments confirmed another thesis - Neil did not like cooking. That was fair not everyone could be Jamie Oliver. Not that you would prefer him. Certainly not. Shaking your head at the ridiculousness of the thoughts, you opened another cabinet. Wine and glasses, triggering the memory from your date night in Oslo. The way Neil tried to emulate his swank further by pretending to be a sommelier, making you laugh with his fake French accent and sparse knowledge. Upon the efforts to name something else than tannins (that Sauvignon Blanc had little of), you stepped in, shutting him up with a fingertip tracing the outline of his lips, collecting a stray droplet of wine. And then licking your finger clean, much to his shock. The strange snapshot from one of the most eventful nights in your life was a good cue to leave the kitchen and trod down the corridor.

You stepped into the bathroom, curiously glancing at the contents of the cupboards and around the sink. Nothing remarkable. Giving in to the temptation, you sprayed the cologne he used on your wrist and inhaled deeply. Closing the bathroom door, your eyes landed on the room at the end of the corridor. Neil’s bedroom. Involuntarily, you felt a shiver run down your spine. Bedrooms were always a sacred space. The most private of places in the house. The stage set for life’s crucial events. Love, life, and tragedy all began to play out (and end) in there. If there was a room closest to the heart of the owner, it would be the bedroom and its contents. With a shaky hand, you pressed down the handle and opened the door. The interior was almost too mundane. The bed with dark grey covers and decorative pillows. Some artworks on the walls and drawn curtains, forcing you to turn on the ceiling lamp. A small bedside table with a night light and books. A walk-in closet with the sliding doors partly opened. That was what drew you in first, crossing the space you peered inside. Only to be overwhelmed with that Neil smell that made sure to make your heart rate pick up. Gently, you ran your fingers over the suit jackets and sweaters hanged on the rails. He had a multitude of those, in different colours. Eyeing a suit in dark blue, you could imagine how it would bring out his eyes. There were a few sweaters in different shades of green, confirming the suspicions that he liked the colour. Further along, you found a drawer with ties of various patterns, making you grin at one olive green with Labradors on it. Now that was a classic Neil accessory.

Just when you were about to end the ‘snooping’ your gaze landed on a more casual part of the wardrobe. Jeans folded on the shelves, t-shirts, and polos. Even a jean jacket somewhere in the back. In the drawer, you found socks with questionable patterns, only increasing the fondness you felt for the owner of such an eclectic wardrobe. And then you made the mistake of letting your curiosity get ahead of you. Another drawer. Underwear. Your face got warm as you slammed it shut. Enough. Thinking about that could lead to the dangerous territory you would rather not venture out to. At least not when alone in his apartment, overwhelmed with memories and feelings. There would be time for this too later… Hopefully.

Sliding the doors shut, you took in the room again. The pile of books on the bedside table caught your attention. Gingerly, you sat down on the bed, doing your best not to think about the specifics of that moment. You, alone in his bedroom. This was certainly not how you expected to end up in there for the first time. But that too was beyond the point. Sighing, you picked up the stack of books only to drop them onto the covers with hands shaking. You would recognize the cover everywhere. Your favourite book. The exact copy you had last seen in Oslo when you gave it to Neil. That memory was rather unforgettable…

Hanging out in the hotel room, waiting for Mahir and TP to come back from a small errand, you did your best to ignore Neil’s piercing gaze from across space. That was the day after your careless dancing and that evening’s developments when he asked you out. Just before the mission. And Neil was staring, shamelessly so. It was getting on your nerves.

“Don’t you have anything better to do?” putting down the itinerary, you broke the silence and faced him.

The satisfied smile was enough to make you groan. He knew exactly what he was doing, as though waiting for the moment to strike when you were alone.

“Actually not, no” the grin widened as he shrugged nonchalantly “Plus you’re quite the sight. As usual” propping his chin on his hand, he kept on gazing.

The bastard was impossible.

“Jesus��” sighing, you rummaged in the bag at your feet “Do you want a book or something?” you took out a worn-out paperback “Because all that staring makes me want to…” trailing off, you met his inquisitive glare.

Want to kiss him. For starters. But he need not know that.

“What? Tell me” Neil spread his legs casually, leaning back in the armchair. An object of pure poise. And the challenge, aimed at you only. That was Neil at the top of his game, sure of what he wanted and how to get it. But you were not going to give it to him easily.

“Better not” the slight shock in his eyes gave you confidence “If yesterday taught me anything, it’s that your ego is big enough” offering him a sly smirk, you took a sip of the water.

When you looked up again, Neil was staring at you with an exaggerated pained expression on his face.

“I’m wounded” he put the hand over his heart like the drama queen that he was.

Scoffing, you laughed at the spectacle. Two could play the game.

“Good,” the offended whine only increased the satisfaction “So do you want that book?” you picked up the paperback, showing it to him “I’ve got my favourite one with me. Could kill some time”

“Yes, please” he got up and crossed the room, taking the book from you “I’ll have a chance to see what’s in that head of yours” Neil leaned down to your level and kissed you on the forehead “Apart from the desire for me, of course” he added, once he moved out of your reach once again.

Fucking hell.

“Neil”

At least there were some fun memories to come back to, you thought, looking through the copy you borrowed Neil. Then you noticed another thing. Under your book, there was another one of the same title. Brand new. Pages filled with Neil’s scribbles on the margins and underlined passages, highlighting the exact same quotations that made this book become your favourite. My god. The realization hit you with a gasp and a shiver. He read it. And not only that, but he also tried to understand you through something you held so dear. Reading the notes he made, you knew he was listening to every word you said. No matter the moment, the stage of your ‘relationship’, evidently, he cared enough to be interested in your thoughts and feelings. You were holding the proof in your hands. In some margin notes, Neil even referred to you using your initials, pointing out why it could resonate with you so much. The more you read, the more it felt like you have encountered his diary, in some form. That would be it when it comes to getting over. Putting down the books, your head was spinning. Too much.

You needed food. And sleep. It was at that moment that you decided to stay. It got late enough to make the journey back inconvenient. And everything was right here. Feeling like Goldilocks personified, you made use of Neil’s frozen food assortment and put on the music. Once you got over the initial shock of the afternoon, it was almost too easy to pretend that Tallinn never happened. That you were still alright. That he still potentially loved you. With the somewhat soothing sounds of Billy Idol and The Darkness, you went over Neil’s notebooks with equations. You understood nothing but the possibility to read his notes and theories was as comforting as it could get. Then, feeling your eyelids get heavy, you cleaned up and moved to the bedroom. Lying down in Neil’s bed felt like sacrilege. But the moment your head rested on the pillow and you inhaled the scent, it was all excused. At least in your eyes. Giving in to the foolish daydreams, you could almost imagine him next to you. The warmth and comfort the cuddles always provided. But you were alone, still wearing that sweater that smelled too good to be given up. It had to be enough. You fell asleep thinking about those damned blue eyes and the man that took the ownership of your heart for good.

*** Upon waking up in the cold apartment the next morning, you wanted nothing but to leave as soon as possible. In the daylight, with dreams of happiness haunting every corner of your mind, the feeling of loneliness was more persistent. You made sure to get rid of any signs of your intrusion, cleaned the kitchen, and made the bed. The only keepsake you could not deny yourself was the cashmere sweater that you stuffed into the bag. Even if he would not want anything to do with you, you could give it back along with the keys. Surely he would understand… right? After everything that you found in his flat, nothing seemed certain anymore.

You made it back to the HQs with just enough time to shower and pack for the next week of sitting in the inversion chambers in the sealed off part of the complex. That did not sound good as it meant more time with too many people in the cramped quarters. You had enough of that at this point. But then that was the prize of getting the most incredible of jobs. That and getting your heart broken. Again.

You joined the rest of the army by the larger turnstile, used purely for long-term inversion, instead of training. Accepting friendly nods from both Ives and Wheeler, you took your place in the queue. No one knew exactly what the purpose of this was. Just that you were supposed to go back eight days and then travel to the Norwegian coastline, awaiting instructions. The intuition that was rarely wrong told you that you were in the endgame from this point onwards.

And so, the next week was restricted to trying not to lose your sanity locked within the four walls. The only escape from the small room was the kitchen (always full of people that wanted to know too much), bathroom (that always had lines of people waiting by the door), and the small courtyard, where you could not step out without the oxygen tank and a mask. Overall, it was not the most pleasant of experiences. Especially when most days you wanted to curl up in bed and contemplate the mess that your life became. And to marinate in pain that became a constant companion. The sweater could only help so much. Accompanied with nerves and worry, you felt objectively shit and did everything to preserve the solitude. That is how you found yourself in the small kitchen at 2 am, eating toasties and drinking tea. Earlier the compound was too busy, and you preferred starving than facing the others. Only with everyone asleep, you could catch up on the meals missed. Well, almost everyone…

“How are you doing?” a voice interrupted your brooding.

You turned in the seat only to see Wheeler enter the room with a small smile on her face. Her you could tolerate, as an exemption.

“Bad” the candid answer seemed only appropriate “But I don’t mind the company, so please… stay” you added upon her hesitation.

She just nodded and proceeded to make a cup of tea. The silence stretched, but for once, it was rather pleasant. Finally, she finished the task and took the seat opposite you, giving you a quick once-over. You knew what she saw. Tangled hair, reddened eyes from lack of sleep, and hours of tears. The sweater that became the only comfort in those early morning moments when nothing seemed real and yet everything was too much.

“Is the sweater his?” she asked plainly, and you could only nod.

At this stage, surely, nothing was bound to surprise her.

“Yeah… Maybe it’s silly, but I took it from his place just to have something… tangible” you explained, consciously running your fingers over the material. Instead of judgement, you got a smile in return.

“No, I understand” Wheeler took a sip from the mug before asking, “Did the apartment give you any answers?”

You have not shared the story with anyone, unable to process it all even in the quiet of your mind. But maybe this was a chance to let it out…

“Mostly whiplash,” you let out a bitter laugh “It’s like… he cares… or cared,” you stumbled over the tense “But then in Tallinn after the shoot-out, he just closed off completely, and I don’t know why” raising your hands in defeat, you planted on your face on the table.

Anything goes. After a moment of utter frustration, you met Wheeler’s inquisitive eyes again. She did not seem bothered by your antics. Just a little concerned by the picture you were painting.

“Maybe it’s trauma” the seriousness of her expression made you think.

You did consider that option. But even knowing what happened with Alex, his reaction seemed too violent. You were alive, and yet he was trying to push you away. Plus, that way of thinking implied something else. Something you did not dare consider.

“That would mean he… loved me” getting the words out was a challenge “And I don’t think he does” you stared at the table, giving in to the thoughts once again “Whatever is going to happen now, I think I need space. Some distance. Trying to get over this won’t work otherwise”

Formulating the feelings that were overwhelming your heart and mind felt somehow relieving. Even if the prospects were anything but good.

“Is that what you want? To let him go?” the straightforward attitude of your companion was helpful.

“I don’t know,” sighing, you met her gaze, “I want… him, but if he doesn’t feel the same then…” with reddened cheeks, you let the sentence trail off.

She would understand, you were sure of that. And, if the slightly suspicious look in Wheeler’s eyes was anything to go by, she had her ideas about the topic.

“You should probably try talking to him again” she spoke after a few minutes of silence.

“Last time that ended terribly,” you replied, arching your eyebrows, begging her to remember how bad that container conversation went.

“I know,” Wheeler patted your shoulder reassuringly, “But I also know that sometimes Neil needs a proper kick in the ass before he sees what’s right in front of him” she got up and went to the sink, picking up both of your dishes.

With the soothing soundtrack of the washing, you could feel almost sleepy. If it was not for that never-ending chatter of your thoughts.

“If you say so…” you murmured when she turned the tap off.

“Go to sleep. It’s just two days more of this torture” giving you a final smile, Wheeler left the kitchen.

You could survive two days. After that? Who knows. But it had to be alright.

#tenet #neil tenet #neil tenet x reader #neil x reader #neil tenet imagine #neil tenet fanfic #tenet fanfic #robert pattinson #the art of inversion

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rotationalsymmetry · 3 years

Text

Arsenal: Thought Checking

This is a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) exercise, and it's based on the idea that "negative" feelings like anger and loneliness and so on usually come from "distorted" thoughts. However, there are some cases where the feelings know something the rational mind doesn't, and if you get a lot of internal resistance to this approach it might not be a good one to start with, or use at all. Philosophically, it pairs well with Stoicism (also with Buddhist ideas to a large degree): the idea is that suffering doesn't come from what happens, it's from what we think about what happens. How we interpret it. And whether we can change what's going on in the world or not, we always have some measure of control (with practice) over how we respond to it.

(This is not incompatible with working to change the world. You can work on both.) I've found that when this approach helps, it tends to help a lot and it often surprises me how much it helps. At one point I was doing this every day for a year or so. (If you're doing it every day, you probably aren't going to be feeling especially bad in the moment, so you pick a time when you did feel bad.) I got this from the book Feeling Good. I've got an app, MoodKit (small one time fee, not subscription, no ads), that walks me through the steps. There might also be online worksheets you can print out, or you can just do it freeform if you know the pattern. I'm going to give the format, then an example.

What happened? (short description, maybe one sentence)

How do I feel? (list as many feelings as seem relevant, and how intensely you feel each, from 0-100%. This is mostly to test whether this method is working -- you check your feelings again at the end. If you tend to get stuck here, you can look for lists of emotions online. If you're still not sure, take your best guess, if you just write "bad 100%" or whatever that's OK.)

What were my automatic thoughts? (1-3 sentences.) (This part can be surprisingly tricky because sometimes there aren't any conscious thoughts, the feeling just happens. But, there does tend to be some mental framing even if it's not fully conscious. One way around this is to draw a stick figure representing yourself, and give the figure a speech bubble and fill it in. 100% OK to just guess wildly here. Don't be afraid of hyperbole. Don't be afraid of writing down something that you know isn't true. Sometimes things we know aren't true still influence our feelings. We need to get them into the light.)

What cognitive distortions do those thoughts contain? This part is the part that really needs more explanation. You can find lists online and I suggest you look them up (or check out the book or something), I'll discuss a couple in the example.

What's another way of looking at this? You just write out something you could think about what happened instead. It will only work if it seems true and meaningful to you; this is another step where it can be kinda tricky and practice can help. My favorite hack is replacing "should" statements with "I would prefer"...somehow that always does it for me.

How do I feel now? the 0-100 scale again.

An example!

What happened? I'm having anxious thoughts about something I posted on tumblr earlier, and also it's bedtime and I'm trying to fall asleep

How do I feel? Nervous 50%, embarrassed 20%, self-loathing 20%

What were my automatic thoughts? "Everybody is going to misinterpret things and hate me and also I'm a bad person."

Cognitive distortions: catastrophizing (everybody, really?) (or maybe that's all or nothing thinking, maybe it's both, that's not really that important, the important thing is to recognize when a thought might not be true, not to understand the specific terms perfectly); mind reading/fortune telling (I'm making wild guesses about what is going to happen in the future and about what other people are going to think), labeling ("bad person"); personalization (if someone does hate me, that might just be because they're judgemental and not because I did something wrong-- in general personalization means assuming someone else's negative reaction is your fault); negative filtering (maybe the post was a good thing that will benefit someone.)

Another way of looking at it: "Well, I already posted. I can look at the post again in the morning and decide if I don't like it then. If I think it's fine then, no harm no foul, and if I don't think it's fine then, then I messed up and I can do better in the future. In any case, this isn't the right time to figure that out."

How do I feel?

You'll notice nowhere in there do I tell myself "oh, nobody's judging you" (I don't know that!) or "the post was fine" (it might not have been fine.) I don't have to lie to myself to feel better; in fact this method is all about figuring out what's true. (But also, maybe I don't have to figure out the truth about everything when I'm trying to fall asleep.)

I also don't have to convince myself I'm already a good person who never messes up; I know I mess up sometimes, and my self-esteem doesn't rest on the idea that I'm infallible. Actually, this approach is more connected to letting go of the ego entirely and just being, rather than cultivating a positive self-image. I use this example because ... idk, seems probably relatable ... and because this is a thought-feeling whatever thing that happens to me fairly often. Usually, when I look at the post again it's not as bad as I was remembering it. But also often, there are things that I didn't notice when I was posting that I really should have. (Negative thought distortions are a thing, but so are positive thought distortions where your emotions are more positive than they should be based on inaccurate thoughts. For instance, "I'll just be on here for a few more minutes, then I'll go to bed." That's a distorted thought.) So, it's a case where my feelings are both exaggerated and inconveniently timed. But also they're basically trying to convey a good message, which is that what I post can have negative consequences and it's good for me to be alert to the possibility. It's not about getting rid of all negative feelings once and for all. Negative feelings exist for a reason. It's about not having to have more negative feelings than is appropriate and helpful for the actual situation.

#mental health sequence #arsenal sequence #thought checking #thought checker #long post #mental health

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fatandnerdy30 · 4 years

Text

Land of the Avengers chapter 1

So, I said I would be posting to tumblr more often, so I figured that I should start with my reconfigured LotA story...so, here we go!

The beeping of an alarm is the first thing he heard the morning of the week that would change his life forever. Peter yawned as he hit dismiss on his app flashing on his phone’s screen, rolling over again.

“Peter! Come on, time for school!” May’s voice called down the hall, her footsteps pounding through the dorm apartment. “Your breakfast is going to get cold!”

That got the boy moving and five minutes later, as he was making his way toward the kitchen, the melody to wake up the entire academy started playing over the loudspeaker. Peter always woke a little early because he hated being startled awake by the annoying good morning song. He slid into his chair and smiled as May gave him a kiss on top of his head, ruffling his curls. “I’ll be home early today, so you won’t have to cook.”

At that the boy made a face. “Why don’t we just eat in the cafeteria? At least they’re a little edible.”

“Hey!” she said in shock, though amusement could be heard in the tone. “I’ll let you know the headmaster enjoyed my walnut date loaf very much, thank you!”

“He only took it because he wasn’t trying to be rude. Come on, May, your reputation for being a bad cook is pretty infamous in the halls of the school.” He picked up the fried-cake on his plate which was like a plate and stiff as a board for an example.

“All right, I’ll admit I don’t cook that well, but it’s not as bad as all that.” She poked at the stiff fried-cake before she left the room. “And make sure to finish what’s on your plate. Both of them!”

Peter laughed at the joke and just hid the cake in a napkin before throwing it out and racing back to his room. With his door closed, he put a CD into his stereo and started getting ready for the day. Brushing his teeth, he bopped his head back and forth to the beat, his curls bouncing along, which he then fixed. He then quickly put his uniform on and grabbed his homework, the papers filled with elaborate equations and safety protocols that he had to memorize. But, it excited him, because he was closer to becoming an apprentice flight engineer, which was even closer to becoming a pilot! “See you later, May!”

“Bye honey!”

The boy shut the door and practically ran to the school building, throwing open the doors. “Peter!” His best friend’s voice made Peter turn around and a big smile lit up his face.

“Harley, what’s up man?” They grabbed each other’s arms, then slid their hands down then to ‘explode’, making the sounds as their hands separated.

“Nothing much, just wondering why you’re always the first in the halls.” The dark haired boy smirked at him as he slammed Peter’s shoulder playfully.

“I may be first, but you’re always right behind me. Looking to get on Captain Potts’ good side? Because you loooove her?” Peter cackled when Harley’s face went red.

“I do not. I just want to impress her because I think I’m failing.” Harley sighed. “I got a ninety-eight on my last equipment test.” His head hung down as he pouted.

“Oh, ninety-eight…that’s harsh,” Peter joked, stumbling when the other boy pushed him and laughed. “Don’t sweat it, man! You’re one of the smartest kids in the academy, and anyone would be grateful to have you on board.”

“Oh, I know,” Harley joked, puffing his own chest out, but the other boy elbowed him in the chest, making him choke. “Dude! Not cool!” He rubbed his chest, but Peter was laughing too hard to respond.

“What’s so funny Penis?” An annoying voice sobered up both boys and the older of the two stiffened. “Finally get to look in a mirror?” An oily haired student slid in between the two. He wasn’t smarter than Peter, but since the boy’s first day, the bully had been on Peter’s case. Harley said it was because he was jealous, but Peter had no clue why. Flash had everything. He had good grades, two parents, was popular, and rich, everything that Peter had wanted. But, he couldn’t help but feel bad for the bully.

Harley moved, making Peter snap out of his thoughts. The older boy was smirking. “No, we finally got to see you without your makeup, and boy was that hysterical!”

Flash’s face turned red and he balled his fists at his sides, bringing one up. “You’re dead, Keener!” He was about to bring his fist up to Harley’s face, when a hand grabbed him from behind.

“What was that, Mr. Thompson?”

Mr. Barton scowled down at the boy, blue eyes churning like the ocean during a storm. “Did you threaten a fellow student with bodily harm and a death threat?” The man’s chiseled jaw was ticking in his annoyance under his five O'clock shadow.

“N-no!” the bully squeaked, his coffee skin turning a sickly green, brown color. "I-I-I-I-“ He stared at the muscled arm beyond the hand that was holding him half off the ground.

"You were what?” Mr. Barton finally released the boy, watching him stumble back into the lockers. “Get outta here, you little punk. You have detention. With me. After school. Now go.” When the boy stood frozen, the teacher growled. “That’s an order, Cadet Thompson!” Flash jumped and practically ran from the man, not even looking back. “You two okay?”

“Yes, Mr. Barton, sir!” Peter replied, both cadets standing at attention. “Thank you for your assistance.”

The man smirked and clapped both boy’s on the shoulder. “At ease, boys. You’re gonna be late for class. Go ahead.”

The boys smiled and almost ran down the hall to Ms. Potts’ class not noticing Mr. Barton watching them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You’re late.” Captain Potts stated to the two boys who ran into the classroom, both panting. The woman’s strawberry blonde hair was pulled into a serious bun, highlighting her classic bone structure. Her blue eyes showed her annoyance at being interrupted.

“Sorry Captain!” Peter said in between breaths. “We were detained.”

“Hmm…see that it doesn’t happen again. Now, to your seats. We’re discussing sub-orbital flight and the long term effects on the body.” She waited for the boys to get to their seats, and started. Pepper checked on her students often during her lesson, noting that more than a few looked bored. But, the two students she knew who were paying attention were staring right at the board, pens scribbling like mad as they took notes on every word the Captain said.

“Who can tell me how far up you need to reach sub-orbital flight and feel weightless?” She waited, staring at the company. “Anyone?” Two hands shot into the air and she had to hide a smile. “Harley.”

“One hundred kilometers, Captain, or sixty-two miles above sea level.”

“Very good, Cadet Keiner. Now, extra question, what is that altitude called?” Peter’s hand shot into the air a second before Harley could answer, and this time she couldn’t help but chuckle. “Peter.” “The Karman Line, named after Theodore von Karman, who formulated the idea that at this height was too thin for regular flight. It’s also called the edge of space.”

“Very good, Cadet Parker. I can see someone has paid attention in the past,” Pepper sent a glare to the other cadets, who sat straight at that look. “All of you have a bright future, but you’re not showing that you have the drive to become Pilots for the Reed center….” She sighed. “And because of this, I am telling you that tomorrow there will be a pop quiz on all of this. I’m being nice and letting you know beforehand this way you can come prepared.

"Now, there are twelve long term effects on the body and they are as follows: after about a dozen flights, the pilot’s spine itself stretches, but it doesn’t cause too much pain. It corrects itself in a few months of being on the ground and the pilot can start flying again.

“The second is on too many extra long flights, the muscles of the pilot loses some of their muscle mass. This is why we insist on the pilots being in fit shape in order to stay on, especially those who take long flights that last more than six hours. Please turn to page thirty-two of your books and read the following pages and take notes, until you reach the third effect.”

Silence followed for a long while, everyone focused and taking the appropriate notes until the last page was turned and the students turned their attention to Captain Potts. “Everyone ready to move on? Good. Now, the third effect would be-"The bell rang and the students started packing their bags. She saluted the cadets, who stood altogether and saluted her back. "You’re dismissed.” She watched the kids rush out of the classroom to their next class. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day went by fast, and before he knew it, Peter was in line for lunch, his foot tapping with excess energy from sitting so long listening to teachers drone on and on. He was young and needed to move. After his muscles were tired from hopping in place, he leaned against the window, the smog so thick that the city was barely visible from the sky deck the school was built on. Pollution and factory smog had been getting worse and worse with each passing year until people had to start building homes on top of towers to give them clean air to breathe. But, it happened that only the rich could afford to be in those towers.

Peter remembered living in the smog filled city below and it left some bad health problems like asthma, which was getting better now that he lived in the dorms of the school. If he hadn’t gotten the scholarship, he would still be below that thick cloud, struggling to breathe, or dead.

He noticed the line moving and stepped forward, when someone rammed into his shoulder, causing the boy to cry out and hold the limb. “Oops.” Flash’s annoying voice filled the boy’s ears and he rolled his eyes.

“Just leave me alone, Flash.” Peter was getting tired of the bully’s crap. He rolled his shoulder and winced when it was tender.

“Why should I when you obviously have no one around to protect you. No friends,” the bully looked around. “No teachers.” He then pressed Peter closer to the window, the other students backing away. “And I still owe you for what your boyfriend said to me this morning.” Flash’s eyes hardened. He looked up slightly into Peter’s face. Then, without hesitation, he slammed a fist into Peter’s stomach, causing said boy to double over and gasp for air. “That was just a love tap. You or your boyfriend say anything like that to me again, it’ll be worse.” He turned and walked away, laughing with a few of the other kids pointing at the boy holding his stomach.

Peter lost his appetite after that, so he got off the line and went to the library, grabbing his books out of his locker on the way. The least he could do was get some of the assignments Captain Potts gave them. And wait to see if a bruise formed on his sore ribs, which the way he felt, he was sure about that.

Lost in the pages of a book, Peter barely heard the bell ring. A clearing of a throat made the boy look up, the librarian gesturing to a clock with a smirk. Peter gasped and started packing his books wildly when he heard the chimes for an announcement coming over the loudspeaker.

“Cadets Parker and Keener, to Colonel Richards’ office. Cadets Parker and Keener, to Colonel Richards’ office.” The near robotic voice of the colonel’s secretary rang through the halls. Peter froze as the few students in the library stared at him.

The first thought that came to mind was what did they do wrong? Then it was, did Flash say they started the fight? Or, his overactive brain thought, maybe they did something terribly bad, and they were going to be expelled? Peter shook his head. No, that couldn’t be. It was on video that Flash had hit him.

With a gulp, he stood up and crammed what books and papers he had left, into his backpack, not caring about the state they were in before practically running out of the library. The entire way to the headmaster’s office, the bad thoughts kept running through Peter’s mind, making his heart beat faster and the dread rise farther.

Harley was waiting outside the headmaster’s office. He looked as nervous as Peter did. “What do you think we did?” Peter asked panting, his eyes wide.

“I have no clue, but it can’t be good if we’re being summoned to this office.” The door swung open and Mr. Barton stuck his head out, his eyes softening at the look the two gave him.

“Hey, what’s with the scared looks?”

Harley gulped so loud, even Peter heard it. “We’re ready to accept our punishment for whatever we did, sir,” he said lowly and Peter just looked at the ground. What they weren’t expecting was the laugh coming from Mr. Barton. It started out as a chuckle, and then he was actually holding his middle. “Punishment?” the man cackled. “What made you think you were being punished?”

“W-well,” Peter started, wringing his hands. “No one is called to the Colonel’s office, except for punishment…and the fight Flash caused this morning…” He wasn’t going to mention the fight-if you could call it that- which the headmaster probably had seen on the security cams.

“Don’t even mention that little creep’s name to me. I still have plans for him in detention. But, don’t worry, you were called here for something good. Promise.” He stepped aside and ushered the cadets inside. Instantly they stood straight at attention, saluting the dark haired man sitting behind the desk, Mr. Barton following.

“The cadets you wanted, Sir.”

“Ahh, thank you, Clint. At ease.” Colonel Richards sat back, his elbows on his desk. “Peter and Harley, correct?” He couldn’t miss the way the two seemed to tremble in his presence.

“Y-yes sir,” Harley nodded.

“Good. I’ve been looking into your grades and I must say I am very impressed. Normally, when we do have scholarship students, they slack off once they’re in the school.” It didn’t happen very often, and Peter and Harley both had stunning grades to go with their scholarships. “But, not you two. And that impressed me.” He smiled at the look the boys gave him.

“It impressed me so much, that I’ve decided to let you two take the flight simulation for real. The only placement I could get for the both of you though, was next week.” The room became silent from the news, both boys staring at him slack jawed.

“I don’t expect you to be flying alone, though. Mr. Barton and Captain Potts have both agreed to be with you on the flight. You both are allowed to take one extra person of your choosing to take with you. It will be a week long excursion. Consider it a reward for your hard work this year.”

The boys smile’s grew brighter and they looked at one another excitedly. “It’s an honor, Colonel, Sir!” Peter said, his voice cracking in his excitement, making him turn red.

“Yes, this is a great honor, Sir.” Harley said, his face so serious, it made Reed chuckle.

“Calm down, Cadet Keiner. But, I will warn you,” his face turned serious, “that this is also a test proving the two of you will be capable pilots and your futures are riding on this.”

Peter and Harley both trembled at that, but saluted the man with a loud 'Yes Sir!’

“Study hard, and try and get as much Simulation time as you need. In fact, I’ll open the Baxter building to the both of you, this way you’ll have state of the art simulators to work with.”

To say the boys were shocked was an understatement. The Baxter building? “I-it’s truly an honor, Sir!” Peter said, his face beaming.

“I’ll have your passes ready for you by tomorrow. You’re dismissed.” Both boys slammed their heels together and saluted before exiting the room.

“We get to go to the top floor of the Baxter Building!” Peter cried as soon as they were out of the Colonel’s office. His young eyes were sparkling with wonder and excitement. “I’ve always wanted to see what they do up there! I’ve heard that they’ve been working on actual space flight! How crazy is that? We might get to go to the moon someday, maybe farther! We may even discover a new planet! How cool would that be!”

Harley listened with a soft smile. His younger friend always got this way when talking about the science of space flight and or chemistry. "It would be so cool. You gonna be the first to step on the moon?“ he ruffled Peter’s hair, cackling.

"I just might!” Peter said indignantly.

“I’m sure you will, bud. Come on, we’ll be late for Harrington’s class, and you know him and his stories if you’re late.” Harley slung his arm around Peter’s shoulders and tugged him towards the classrooms.

#Marvelfanfic #Avengers #iron dad #Iron Man Tony Stark #virginia potts #peter parker #harley keener #clintbarton #professor hulk #steverogers #natasha romanoff #sam wilson #bucky barnes #g/t fluff #found family

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softheartedpoet · 7 years

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hi hello i am new to the poetry thing but i want to start posting my things on tumblr, any advice for me??? i love your writing by the way! it's beautiful and really heartfelt, you're very talented.

hi hi sorry it’s taken me several days to get to this—i’ve been thinking about it and i wanted to wait till i had a big enough pocket of time to give this ask a proper response.

so it seems there are two areas of advice in regards to your question: 1) how to go about posting poetry on tumblr, and 2) how to get better at writing poetry in general. i’m going to try and address both!

1) posting poetry on tumblr

tags: use tags! tags are a great way to expose your work to people who don’t already follow you. i believe tumblr has a thing that seems to be pretty universal wherein only the first five tags that you use show up in a tumblr search, so take advantage of those five! there are the usual (#poetry, #spilled ink, #writing) and those for networks or reblog blogs (like #writerscreed for @writerscreed, #inkstay or #daretowrite for @inkstay, #poetryriot for @poetryriot, etc.) and if you have mutuals that track their user tag and let you tag them, you can tag them so they see your work, too! not every network or reblog blog will reblog every tagged work, but some are better about it than others as long as your poetry meets very minimal guidelines (not filled with hate speech or glorifying harmful behavior etc.)

privacy: as i’m sure you’re aware, tumblr’s recently rolled out this feature—safe mode—wherein posts deemed “inappropriate” for minors are blocked from view if you’re under 18 (i believe this is determined by the email you used to sign up). i also recently found out that my whole blog was hidden to those under 18 because i had marked it as “explicit” a while ago, partially because i was a little uncomfortable with minors reading my poetry especially as some of them touch on difficult adult topics, but none of my poetry is really detailed in respect to those topics anyway, so i turned that off when tumblr rolled out the safe mode feature. if you’re comfortable, not marking your blog as explicit will allow you to reach underage bloggers!

another note on privacy: there’s also the option to make your blog hidden from search engines (this includes tumblr’s own) which makes tagging a moot point. there’s also the option to make your bog only viewable to logged-in users, which affects exposure a bit less than the option to hide your blog from searches, i think. again, both are up to you!

networks and friends: join networks if you’d like! a couple bloggers i know have their own networks and indexes. the lovely @illuminosity runs a writers index @writersindex, as one example! a couple others i can recall (though i’m not sure all of them are taking new members): @ocean-blind (which i am a member of! they are currently not accepting new members), @nosebleedclub, @inkflowsnet, and @inkstay. there are far more than i could name here, and the longer you’re immersed in the writing community here, the more networks you’ll find!

i highly recommend making friends with other writers if want to! you can leave replies on their work, or strike up a conversation about writing in their ask or over messages. it’s always nice to have more writer friends (in my opinion) and if they share your work, that helps with exposure, too!

submissions and prompt responses (i guess this is a subset of networks): some blogs will host challenges or prompts for poems like @poetryriot and @writerscreed do, and most of the time, they’ll reblog your prompt response. some blogs also accept submissions (same two blogs as for prompts that I mentioned and @twcpoetry too, as well as others i’m sure). you can try those to gain more exposure as well!

i think that’s about it for advice i have on gaining exposure for your poetry on tumblr—now, for my general advice on writing poetry (which i think is fairly standard, but i will outline it anyway):

2) writing poetry

write. write all the time, anywhere, everywhere, on anything, everything that strikes you as worth writing about. or even not worth writing about! just write, write as often as you can as much as you can, even if it’s just a stream-of-consciousness blob or two lines on a coffee shop napkin. not everything you write has to be good, and it won’t be, but the expectation of writing something good will weigh you down. once you accept that your writing will suck now and then, you will be able to write more freely, and the less your writing will suck over time! the more you exercise articulating thoughts, ideas, and emotions, the greater command you’ll be able to have over that process. this point ties into the next, which is:

get a notebook. or two, or three. bring one or more with you everywhere, even if you’re just going to pick up your mail. always have some way of recording your writing on hand (and don’t always rely on your mobile phone! those can die unexpectedly and with them, your ideas will too if you don’t have a way of recording them)! don’t be afraid to record things in public. using your phone to record ideas in a note app is less conspicuous than whipping out a pen and pad of paper, but if i saw someone stop mid-step to jot something down, that would definitely intrigue me. i’d want to know what they were writing!

and often underestimated in importance but just as crucial as writing much and writing often, is reading. read. read, not just poetry, but anything well-written that strikes your fancy. read things that aren’t well-written too, to see what pitfalls to avoid! you can take the studious approach to reading (take notes on what you like that the author does) or you can just remove your so-called “writer’s glasses” and just read for the sake and pleasure of reading. take note of writers and poets whose work you like. try to figure out why you like their work, and what makes their work work.

experiment. yes, experiment. if you’ve been reading and writing long enough, you’ll have an idea of the kind of style you’re most comfortable in. that’s excellent! but don’t let your growth stop there. experiment with different styles and forms of poetry. tumblr is good for exposing you to different kinds of writing. don’t just stop at poetry: try your hand at other kinds of writing, too: memoir, short story, nonfiction. all writing feeds into each other, and as i mentioned earlier, the more you write, the better you’ll get at all kinds of writing, which, of course, includes poetry.

well! there was a super-long, more-detailed-than-you-were-probably-expecting answer to a short question! i really, really hope it helps! :)

and as for your compliments, thank you, truly! it’s encouragement like that that makes me want to keep on writing and sharing that writing with you all!

#on writing #advice corner #postal service #lunarthreads #long post /#writing advice

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bethanyhaynes · 4 years

Text

Interviews

HARRIET

When did you first use social media & for what purpose?

I wasn’t allowed Facebook until I was 15 so by that time I was interested in what all of the fuss was about.

Have you seen a change in social media usage in your lifetime?

People have definitely started to use it more. A housemate of mine goes and sees his friends and they catch up for 10 mins and then spend the rest of the time together sat on their phones in silence.

Have you ever been directly impacted by social media positively or negatively? (E.g cyber bullying or social media perks such as being paid for something)

Not really but it’s definitely impacted the choices I make in life. I probably wouldn’t be vegan if it weren’t for instagram but I also wouldn’t have issues about the way I look.

Do you think social media has made you view the world differently? How?

It’s made me realise that the world has two dimensions. The ‘real’ one and the social media one. These dimensions are so vastly different but we struggle to tell them apart. Social media portrays the best part of someone’s life because that’s all they show, we seem to think that this is true in the real world and we fail to understand that these people we are looking at are in fact like us and have the same struggles.

People are coming out and talking about this more openly now which is good, but unless you cut off all ties with this fake world, you will always be under the impression you’re alone and not as good as the ‘perfect’ version of that person on your screen.

Do you think social media is detrimental to mental health? Yourself and others?

Yes and no. It has effected my mental health a lot in the past in terms of my struggle with body image and body positivity. I would follow these Victoria secret model types of people and constantly feel bad about being me to the point where I would only eat if I felt like I was going to pass out just to get as skinny as them.

Fast forward to now where I only follow influencers who are a bit chunky around the edges and have stretch marks have shit one night stands but instead of hiding that to seem perfect to everyone else, they celebrate it allowing me to celebrate myself too. Yesterday I ate 5 crumpets AFTER my actual dinner because I wanted to and why the fuck not.

I think it’s detrimental to your mental health if you don’t follow the right things to keep your head above water.

Have you ever had a social media cleanse? Deleted social media/ gone off grid?

I have tried several times but always felt like I was missing out on things. It’s nice not to go on it but you also feel like your missing a left arm. It’s so weird. Social media takes up so much time that when you don’t go on it, you have no idea what to do with yourself.

How do you think life would be different without social media?

I think it would be simpler but also more lonely. It’s not something we need, but seeing what your friends are up to, especially in the current climate, is kind of liberating.

One thing you would say to someone struggling with there mental health due to what they see on social media?

Unfollow everything that doesn’t make you feel good or plays on an insecurity you have, then follow loads of the opposite. E.g. if seeing meat come up on your timeline makes you feel bad because you’re trying to be vegan then unfollow it all and follow vegan things. Get inspired and learn how to create the same food with less of an environmental impact.

BAYLEY

When did you first use social media and for what purpose?

1. i’d say i started using it around 2010 with Facebook, honestly using it back then because it was the cool thing to do & made me feel older/more grown up.

Have you seen a change in social media usage in your lifetime?

2. Yes social media is massive now compared to what it was, people build big careers out of it now.

Have you ever been directly impacted by social media positively or negatively? (E.g cyber bullying or social media perks such as being paid for something)

3. Luckily no negatives so far but it has allowed me to connect with people who i wouldn’t of been able to normally, i’ve met many friends through groups based around clothing and even transferred that friendship over to real life.

Do you think social media has made you view the world differently? How?

4. Yes definitely it’s made me realise everything off line is so much realer & authentic, its also gave me a perspective of whats going on around the world which i guess is a positive.

Do you think social media is detrimental to mental health? Yourself and others?

5. For sure i know loads of people who get upset over like counts etc & how they look online but i guess that has affected us all at some point.

Have you ever had a social media cleanse? Deleted social media/ gone off grid?

6. Yes i delete my stuff all the time, i personally only use instagram but i have a small side account with only 12 followers where i post, i hate the thought of a few hundred people seeing everything, i like to keep myself to myself & always delete stuff fast.

How do you think life would be different without social media?

i think without it the world would be much slower paced because i genuinely believe it’s a positive thing to have, we as people just have to focus on not letting it rule our lives too much.

One thing you would say to someone struggling with there mental health due to what they see on social media?

Social media is all fake, it doesn’t reflect real lives do not beat yourself up over it & if you’re having a hard time coping with it all remember to step away and focus on the positives in life

LIAM

1) I think when I was about 10/11 it was facebook / msn to chat to my friends

2) yes definitely before it was more just to connect but now it’s more to show off, get good content and all very much focused on looks

3) I went on a TV show and got really bad hate on twitter lol

4) I think everyone is so invested in social media and it’s a big part of everyday life’s, it’s some people’s full time job

5) not me personally but yes, it can put people down if they feel they don’t look a certain way, or can’t afford certain items they see on social media and if there life is different to others it definitely impacts their mental health

6) nope lol I need too

7) I don’t think people would care so much about the latest trends or getting that perfect picture or too bothered about looking Instagram perfect they would be happy within themselves

8) I would say Instagram is a fake life, and it’s a front that everyone puts up and everyone’s life’s are completely different behind the screen

ROSIE

I first started using social media at the meer age of nine it seems by the dates of my Facebook account, originally to connect with friends outside of school and it seemed I enjoyed to share how I was feeling and what it was I was doing. The innocence of what used to be definitely doesn’t exist in this world anymore.

There has undoubtedly been a massive shift in social media and its purpose, in recent years there has been a growth in influencers and Instagram for example became a platform for advertisement and supremacy really.

I can gratefully say I have never been directly impacted by cyber bullying but truthfully I believe social media has definitely negatively had an effect on me purely due to comparison, I have grown to realise that this doesn’t matter and everything presented online isn’t at all the truth.

As there is no escaping this world that is so heavily influenced and controlled by social media it would be wrong to say it doesn’t have an effect on how I view everything. Even if I personally disconnect from social media, everybody around me uses it and is thoroughly impacted. I believe if we didn’t have social media we could be more connected as a species and to nature, to going outside and seeing people physically opposed to every so often messaging them. I believe there wouldn’t be so much pressure to look a certain way but I wouldn’t know a world without this because from a young age this started to become prominent.

I believe social media is detrimental to mental health, there is no filter to what we come across and this may trigger harmful emotions or even kickstart something that wasn’t originally there; for example when I was 15 a highly influential age I started to develop an eating disorder which still lays in my mind today, this is due to the access of social media.

I once tried to delete Instagram and in all honesty grew to be bored without it. I did lose my phone for a while and kept without one so my access was limited and to be honest I really enjoyed that time, once I got my phone back I found to be on it all the time opening and closing the same 2 apps constantly, I wondered what I’d been doing for the past month without it. It does feel good to not be on it and if I were to ever do it again it would be in my interest to take up new things to fill this time I am so effortlessly wasting.

Life would be completely different without social media, I have a younger 14 year old sister and her generations lack of interest for anything else is unbelievable. I believe life would be a much more positive place.

I would say, social media doesn’t have to be a negative space for you, if you rid everything that is making you feel a certain way and replace it with educational or positive posts/ influences you could possibly see a change in your mental state. To know that everything presented isn’t going to be accurate to real life and change your perspective on how you view these things. If you can’t get yourself off it, change how view it and use it. Also know that there are also so many likeminded individuals.

BETH

When did you first use social media & for what purpose?

My cousin created it facebook for me when I was 11. At first I used it for games, then moved on to using Snapchat and insta to keep in touch with people when I left school. Now I tend not to use social media unless towards my career.

Have you seen a change in social media usage in your lifetime?

Yes. It’s gone from gaming to messaging to trying to build a following to sell products. For instance at the moment I’m planning to use it to get people to go to fitness classes I’m running. I also tend to scroll through other peoples posts just to stay up to date even if I don’t talk to those people anymore.

Have you ever been directly impacted by social media positively or negatively? (E.g cyber bullying or social media perks such as being paid for something)

When I was younger I had a few people I didn’t know call me a rat and tell me to kill myself and such. Also had people who messaged me to kinda ask for sexually charged stuff which makes social media so hard to deal with. It’s difficult to post something and get the response you want. If you post yourself for instance in a progress picture many will sexualise that and it’s hard to escape and feel comfortable posting. Never had anything positive out of it.

Do you think social media has made you view the world differently? How?

I think understanding that people try to post the perfect image of themselves can be difficult. I do try to follow people who have a positive influence on my world view like nutritionists and those who deal with mental health. This helps to me to stay inspired rather that fall into low mood thinking I’m not good enough. Social media also posts a lot of negative news in the world to raise awareness so you find out things that might not be raised on the news.

Do you think social media is detrimental to mental health? Yourself and others?

Yes!! I have sat there and cried on many occasions because I don’t feel good enough because I feel ugly because I’m not making enough of myself based on what I see on social media. It has lead to me having anxiety, depression and eating disorders. I always feel as though I shouldn’t post because no one cares about me as I don’t live a life that’s very exciting because I don’t feel comfortable showing skin all sorts. It’s taken a long time to understand that a lot of what’s posted isn’t real and doesn’t accurately represent people and therefore shouldn’t effect me.

Have you ever had a social media cleanse? Deleted social media/ gone off grid?

Yes but part of it was for attention as you want to see if anyone reaches out and cares. I can’t lie. But now a days I don’t use social media barely only when I’m really bored so have kind of got over the need to constantly update everyone and get attention out of posting it’s more used simply when I’m super bored or really love a photo.

How do you think life would be different without social media?

Yes everyone’s life would be different. But this is part of our culture now and the way that we connect with people. Social media enables us to talk and connect in a way that face to face communication does not. Especially during this pandemic it is imperative to spread information and talk to our families. But also to keep people motivated.

One thing you would say to someone struggling with there mental health due to what they see on social media?

Don’t worry about everyone else just focus on yourself.

KATIE

When did you first use social media & for what purpose?

Facebook - to keep in touch with my primary school friends (was definitely not 13 but oops)

Have you seen a change in social media usage in your lifetime?

100%. The design of social media applications such as Instagram, Facebook and twitter have changed so much over time. They have become much sleeker and now offer many more functions than before.

Have you ever been directly impacted by social media positively or negatively? (E.g cyber bullying or social media perks such as being paid for something)

Positively - I have found work experience and charities to volunteer with through social media!

I have never been directly impacted by social media in a negative way luckily, but I know many people who sadly have.

Do you think social media has made you view the world differently? How?

Yes. I noticed recently how much we live in a society where we expect things straight away and don’t like waiting. This is more of a negative view however social media is also great for this exact reason.

Do you think social media is detrimental to mental health? Yourself and others?

I think it has a large impact on mental health as people compare themselves to others. Although this could also be motivating however there is a fine line between this both detrimental and beneficial. For example, I quite often find myself looking at Instagram models and fitness people that I follow and feel both lower than them but also inspired to look more like them - however this could effect many people’s mental health if they already struggle with insecurities.

Have you ever had a social media cleanse? Deleted social media/ gone off grid?

Sometimes I stay off certain social media platforms for a few days at a time but I have never deleted the app as I know I will always go back to it.

How do you think life would be different without social media?

Life would not be as fast-paced however some incredible opportunities that come with the globalisation of our communities through social media would not be possible. For example, my best friend at high school moved to Australia and I am so grateful for social media as I am still able to keep in touch with her.

One thing you would say to someone struggling with there mental health due to what they see on social media?

Everyone is different, don’t compare yourself to those who live a completely altered life to the one you live yourself.

CHLOE

first used social media for myspace when i was rool young because i wanted to look cool in front of my brothers friends ahaha

I have seen a change in social media in terms of the amount we all use it and how we do, it used to just be for keeping in touch with friends or your interests and now it’s becoming more unauthentic and polluted with advertisements and influencers

I have personally never been directly impacted by social media but I do know people that have experienced bullying and negative comments from strangers

I think social media has made me view the world differently in terms of how i see myself and comparing myself to others

I think social media can be very harmful for mental health in many different aspects but can also can be great for creating safe spaces and getting advice and help

I tried to do a social media cleanse for a day just to see how productive I could be without distractions but i didn’t even last 12 hours

I think life would be a lot different in terms out authenticity as a lot of the time i see people acting and posting things that don’t correlate with how they are face to face in real life

one thing i would say to someone struggling is to take a break and realise that everything you see on social media does not correlate to how most people actually live their lives and only portray the best moments

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sampagu · 5 years

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How to Stop Cyber Bullying ?

Cyberbullying occurs when electronic communications such as text messages, emails, instant messages, and social media updates are used to threaten or humiliate someone. People of any age can be cyberbullied, but it happens most often to adolescents and teenagers. Its consequences can be just as serious as the effects of bullying that occurs in person. Cyberbullying is never the victim’s fault. If you’re being bullied, you can deal with it by blocking the bully online and reporting the incidents to an authority figure.

Part1

Identifying Signs of Cyber Bullying

Look for signs of harassment. Whether you’re concerned that you may be getting bullied yourself, or you’re a parent concerned that your child is being bullied, watching out for a few indicative signs is a good way to detect cyberbullying. Cyberbullying often takes the form of one person harassing another through emails, instant messages, text messages or other modes of electronic communication. Harassment is taking place if the bully is directly contacting someone with one or more of the following types of messaging:[1]

Hateful or threatening messages. This includes name-calling, attempts to control someone’s behavior by threatening to expose embarrassing information, or threats of violence.

Embarrassing or threatening images or videos.

Multiple unwanted emails, instant messages, or texts, regardless of the content.

Lies about the person to make them look bad.

Look for signs of public online humiliation. Another common form of cyberbullying occurs when the bully harasses a target by way of public embarrassment, rather than directly contacting the victim. Cyberbullies may use public tactics, like spreading rumors and gossip using social media, text messages and other tools.[2] Other means of public humiliation via online platforms include:

Posting humiliating messages on a social media site, a blog, or another public space.

Sharing pictures or videos that are embarrassing or explicit in nature on social media websites and through text messaging.

Creating a website filled with defamatory images, insults, and rumors about the target.

Look for signs of online impersonation. A less obvious, but equally harmful form of cyberbullying takes place when the bully attacks someone by impersonating them as a way to bring about humiliation or punishment. In some cases the bully may create a screen name nearly identical to the screen name used by someone else, then use that name to create embarrassing or threatening situations for them.[3]

In this case it is more difficult to identify the perpetrator. Report the impersonation to the website or your service provider.

Part2

Taking Action to Stop the Bullying

Ask the bully to stop their behavior. Some bullies start out as a friend, an ex, or someone else you know well. If it’s possible to have a reasonable discussion with the person, ask them to stop.[4] Have the conversation in person, not through email or text. Be clear and direct, and say something like, “I saw those things you said about me on Facebook. That’s inappropriate and it hurt my feelings; I’d like you to stop saying those things about me.”

If you don’t know who the bully is, or if you’re being bullied by a group of people, attempting to talk it out probably won’t work.

Don’t respond to the bully’s messages. If talking it out won’t work, don’t directly respond to the text messages, instant messages, emails or other communications you may have received from the bully. Bullies want to elicit a reaction from their targets, so firing back a text will only make things worse. Your best course of action is simply to disengage.[5]

Also, don’t threaten the bully to get back at them. Sending a threatening message out of exasperation will only provoke the bully to keep up the bad behavior, and it may get you in trouble, too.

Save the evidence of cyberbullying. Screenshot or save every email, text, instant message, social-media post, and any other evidence of cyberbullying that you come across. Record the time and date that each message was sent. If you can’t screenshot the offensive messages, you can copy/paste them and save the text on your hard drive.[6]

Having as much information as possible about the bully’s behavior will help you determine how to stop their behavior.

You can also show this evidence to an authority figure to prove that you’re being bullied.

Block the bully on all online platforms. Immediately put an end to the bully’s ability to harass you online by blocking that person from direct communication with you. Take advantage of social media sites’ privacy settings to make sure the bully can’t engage with you online anymore.[7] Take the following steps to protect yourself:

Delete the person from your email contacts and block instant messaging communication.

Delete the person from your social networks and use the online privacy settings to ensure that the person can’t get in contact with you again.

Block the person from texting your phone.

Part3

Getting Outside Help

Tell a trustworthy adult that you’re being cyberbullied. If you’re a child or teenager, ask an adult for help. Your parents, teachers, principal and school counselor are all in a position to put a stop to the situation before it goes any further. Don’t assume the problem will go away on its own; speak up immediately to put a stop to it.[8]

You might be tempted to let the bullying run its course instead of bringing attention to the problem, but if you do that the bully will get the message that there’s no penalty for harassing someone.

Talk to your school administrators if you’re being cyberbullied. Tell a person in authority what’s going on, and explain to them the ways in which you’re being cyberbullied. If you’re not comfortable talking to a principal, talk to your favorite teacher or the school counselor. Every school has a policy for dealing with bullying, and more and more schools have a specific plan for putting a stop to cyberbullying.[9]

No matter what your school’s individual policy might be, it’s part of the administrators’ job to resolve the situation.

If you’re a child or teenager, know that taking this issue to the school is the right thing to do. Other kids at the school may be experiencing cyberbullying, too. The school needs to be made aware of the problem to take steps to end it.

If you’re a parent, set up a meeting with the school principal to address the problem head-on.

Report the bully to your service providers and social media sites. Cyberbullying usually violates the terms of service laid out by social media sites, cell phone providers, and other service providers. Read up on your providers’ policies and take steps to report threatening behavior. The provider may decide to penalize the bully or delete their account as a result of your report.[10]

You may have to send your records of the cyber bully’s messages to the provider as proof you are being bullied.

Contact law enforcement for cases of severe bullying. In some cases cyberbullying may be classified as a crime, which places it beyond the jurisdiction of schools and service providers.[11] If the cyberbullying involves one of the following elements, call your local police department, or report to the officer stationed at your school.

Threats of violence or death.

Sexually explicit photos or descriptions of sex acts. If the images are of a minor, this may be considered child pornography.

Secretly-recorded photos or videos that were taken without the subject’s knowledge.

Hateful texts or online messages that single out and harass the victim on the basis of race, gender, religion, or sexual identity.

Part4

Preventing Cyber Bullying

Avoid sharing sensitive personal information online. Cyberbullies often use pictures, status updates, and personal information they find online to harass their targets. It’s fine to share information about yourself online, but never reveal something you don’t want the whole world to know.[12] Even if you want to have a serious, personal conversation with a friend, do so in person, not over tweets, Facebook posts, or Instagram comments.

For example, don’t take an explicit photo of yourself to post on a private Tumblr page.

Information typed into a Facebook comment, Tumblr post, or Instagram comment could land in the hands of a cyber bully. Try not to discuss deeply personal information online.

Don’t participate in cyber-bullying behavior. If you’re feeling marginalized or picked on, it’s tempting to channel those negative feelings into bullying activities, to give yourself a sense of power. But, even if you’re the one doing it, cyberbullying is still wrong. Your behavior can influence other people’s actions, so make it clear that you don’t stand for cyberbullying by setting a good example for others.[13]

If your friends start teasing someone online or via text, don’t participate. Ask them to stop, and let them know that cyberbullying has the same dangerous consequences as in-person bullying does.

Install parental control software or apps on your PC and smartphone. This software or app will block attempts at bullying and keep your child from seeing inappropriate online content.[14] If you don’t already have this, then ask your parents about installing it.

If you’re a parent, then go ahead and install protective software—or turn on privacy apps—as a protective measure.

#IFTTT #Blogger

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sarahburness · 5 years

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Travel Tips for the Anxious Spirit

“Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light.” ~Yogi Bhajan

For years, I avoided travel. Just the thought of leaving home made me anxious. I dreaded the crowds, the confusion, and the sense of disconnection from both my daily routine and my spiritual practice.

Over time, I came up with some great reasons not to travel, but I always knew those excuses were keeping me from exploring new places, meeting new people, and living my life to the fullest.

I continued to avoid traveling until family members moved across the country, and then I had no choice. If I wanted to see them, I had to travel. So, I stopped coming up with excuses and started looking for ways to keep a connection to my spirit and sense of well-being, while I traveled through crowded airports, stormy weather, and traffic jams.

Here are some of the things that work for me. If you don’t like to travel either, I encourage you to try all of them to find the ones that work best for you.

Before Traveling

1. Set your intention.

Begin by reminding yourself why you’re traveling. Are you looking forward to spending time with friends or family? Is this a relaxing vacation, or a journey to explore a new and exciting culture?

Whatever the reason for your travel, getting clear about why you’re leaving home can add a depth and meaning to your trip and help relieve anxiety about the less pleasant parts of the experience.

2. Think ahead.

As you imagine your trip, visualize yourself having a wonderful experience. Picture everything going smoothly for you. See yourself moving safely from place to place, enjoying your surroundings, and feeling confident in your ability to take care of yourself. Imagine all the possibilities for fun and adventure that lie in wait at your destination.

Of course, this doesn’t guarantee everything will go smoothly, but it will likely ease your mind, which will help you stay calm if anything doesn’t go plan. And let’s face it—things often don’t when we’re traveling!

3. Change your vocabulary.

Talking about things differently can change the way you think and feel about them. See what happens when you change:

“I’m afraid to travel” to “I’m curious to travel.”

“I hate to travel” to “I’m open to looking at travel differently.”

“Travel is a nightmare” to “Travel is an adventure.”

“I’m not a traveler” to “I’m learning how to travel well.”

“Travel is difficult” to “Travel makes my life richer.”

4. Take time to learn everything you can about your destination.

Maybe there’s a local yoga studio or gym that offers a class you might enjoy. Why not call ahead and reserve a spot in that class? Maybe there’s a spa at your hotel where you could book a massage, or a nearby restaurant that offers your favorite seafood. Are there walking trails close by, a museum you’ve always wanted to see?

I’ve found that looking forward to something fun or relaxing helps me get through the stress of travel.

5. Get organized.

For me, getting organized makes everything else about traveling easier because I don’t have to worry about forgetting anything important and can instead just be in the moment. Here are some things that work for me. Try them and see what works for you.

Keep all your travel information in one place.

Make a checklist of all those last-minute things you need to take care of. Check things off as you get them done.

Pack smart. Make a list of all the activities and events you have planned, then pack only the clothes, shoes, and accessories required for each activity. When you can, pack comfortable, wrinkle-proof clothes. List your necessary toiletries and pack them in waterproof pouches or plastic bags.

6. Make sure you have everything you need to travel in comfort.

Consider packing some of the following to help you feel cared for and at ease as you travel.

A pillow or neck support can help you relax on a long plane ride or car trip.

A small blanket or warm shawl will come in handy any time you feel a chill.

Tea: I always make sure to pack my own tea. Ginger and mint for digestion, chamomile for relaxation. You can get a cup of hot water in almost any restaurant, hotel room, or on any flight, so you can brew yourself a cup of soothing tea any time you like.

Snacks: I travel with nuts and dried fruit. They’re my favorite snack, easy to tuck in my purse, and they keep me from getting the “hangrys.” You can also pack energy bars, pretzels, crackers, cheese, or fruit.

A meditation app, or a great playlist to help you feel calm, especially if you’re anxious about flying or riding long distances.

Something fun to read. In my case I always have a book with me. I find reading is a wonderful distraction and helps pass the time more quickly.

A deck of cards or a game app: Playing is a wonderful way to keep you occupied on the way to your destination.

Workout clothes: You may not be able to do your usual yoga practice, or fit in a long morning run, but having the right clothes may encourage you to sneak in a couple of poses or take a quick jog in your new surroundings.

An energy token. Bringing a crystal, necklace, or other talisman with you can help keep you grounded.

An empty thermos: It’s important to drink enough water. If you don’t want to pay for bottled water (or harm the environment with plastic), why not travel with an empty thermos? You can fill it with water at the airport or any stop along your way.

While Traveling

1. Travel with an open heart.

This is a hard one for me, but when I remember to do it, I find it makes an amazing difference in my experience. When I unplug from technology and engage with the people around me, I get to hear their stories and see the world from a different point of view.

Over the years I’ve met some incredible people: a doctor on the cutting edge of cancer research, an artist, a woman in the middle of a difficult divorce, the manager of a country club, a mother traveling with two children from Scotland to Texas to start a new life, a woman who’d overcome incredible hardships to get her PhD and run a successful, youth program in an inner city. Not only did we all get to share our stories, the connection made my journey a richer experience.

2. Reach beyond your own experience to help others.

Could you help that young woman heft her bag into the overhead bin? Could you share your snack with your seatmate, or buy a cup of coffee for the tired-looking person behind you in line? Maybe you could offer to take a picture of the family posing on the beach, or pay a compliment to your server.

Sometimes just a smile, sympathetic ear, or kind word is enough to make a real difference in someone else’s life, and in your own.

3. Breathe and relax.

When you get anxious, take a deep breath. Put your hand over your heart and let the warmth of your palm sink deep into your chest. Let that warmth bring a sense of peace and ease into your heart, and remind yourself that you’re able and willing to take care of yourself no matter what happens. Feel the inner light of your heart expand until it radiates out of your body and reaches the people around you.

4. Move.

It’s important to keep moving throughout your trip, both for your physical health and to release anxious energy. Walk whenever you get a chance. If you have to sit for any length of time, make a commitment to get up and move around at least once an hour. Stretch, wiggle your fingers and toes. Raise and lower your shoulders. Rotate your ankles. Have fun finding as many ways as possible to move in your seat.

5. Try Qigong.

I use this powerful Qigong pose on long flights or rides. It comes from The Qigong Workbook for Anxiety by Master Chuen Lam.

This pose is called “Bubbling Spring,” and increases the circulation of both blood and qi throughout your body.

Begin by sitting with your back as straight as possible, both feet flat on the floor. As you inhale raise the heel of your right foot, keeping the ball of that foot on the ground. As you exhale, press down firmly onto the ball of your foot. Inhale, and release pressure on the ball of your foot. Then as you exhale lower your foot.

Repeat with the left foot, and alternate the process eight times. Relax a few seconds, then repeat the sequence twice.

Once You Reach Your Destination

Slow down and look around you. Allow yourself to savor every moment of this new experience. Drink in the differences of a new location. Be open to trying new things.

Treasure your experience. Be grateful for a new perspective on the world and your ability to engage fully in this amazing life.

About Wendy Leeds

Wendy Leeds is a psychotherapist and a cancer survivor. She knows what it’s like to face anxiety and trauma, and she’s working on a book to share her experience and expertise. Her CD, Creating A Calm Day is available on Amazon. Wendy offers the gift of her B.E.A.R. technique for handling panic on her website, wendyleeds.com. Join Wendy on Facebook at @WendyLeedsKeepingCalm.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/travel-tips-for-the-anxious-spirit/

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fmservers · 6 years

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Here’s what to expect in cybersecurity in 2019

Around this time every year, my inbox fills with the same repetitive junk.

“Would you consider putting [any random company] in your gift guide?”, “are you going to CES and if so can I pitch you [a gadget that literally won’t be around this time next year]?”, and, “do you want to cover [a company you’ve never hard of’s] predictions for next year?”

To which I always respond: “No,” “absolutely not” and “predictions are not news.”

The “predictions” emails piss me off. Most of the companies that offer predictions don’t seem to fully understand the security field outside their particular niche, or worse, have an agenda they’re trying to push. This year was no different. I trawled through my inbox, scanning literally dozens of emails pushing “predictions” for the coming year.

“Artificial intelligence will stop a data breach,” said one email. “The supply chain will face more attacks,” said another. And, my personal favorite, “bad actors will combine multiple attack types to create synergistic super threats.”

Hate to break it to you, but “super threats” are not a thing.

If you thought 2018 was a tough year for tech, 2019 is going to be so much worse. The groundwork we laid this year will roll over into the next, and that’s when things will start to hit hard, from new laws and political (in)decisions to privacy issues and how employees — not companies — will start to call the shots.

Here’s what you need to know for 2019 in security.

Expect more data leaks and exposures — but not just breaches

2018 saw a rising trend in data leaks and exposures — specifically data that’s not protected with even the most basic security, like a password.

We’ve seen a ton of sites and services exposed in the past year — from gym booking sites, anonymous social network Blind, Urban Massage, FedEx, Canadian internet provider Altima, Amazon and fitness app Polar, to name a few.

Exposed databases and user data can be easily found, yet are entirely preventable — often simply by setting a password. Breaches, where a hacker exploits a vulnerability, are more difficult and require some level of skill, making them less common. But human error, a lack of security smarts or just sheer laziness makes exposed data more discoverable, and yet there’s no sign of data exposures dying down any time soon.

At Blind, a security lapse revealed private complaints from Silicon Valley employees

California’s privacy rules will come to a head

After a long fight, California passed its consumer privacy law — set to go into effect at the end of 2019.

Think of the law as like GDPR for California, which will mandate that companies disclose how they collect user data and what they do with it. The law will allow authorities to impose fines on companies that don’t comply or which violate the rules. It’s particularly important for consumers, given most of the world’s largest tech companies have their headquarters in the state.

Tech companies opposed the law. After spending collectively billions of dollars to comply with GDPR, many didn’t want to face another hefty bill to comply with more privacy rules. Instead, many companies pushed for a federal law to overrule and upend California’s soon-to-be-enacted rules. With enough lobbying power in Washington, DC, tech companies and telcos want lawmakers to roll out weaker legislation.

With almost exactly a year to go before California’s rules are set to go into effect, expect to see Silicon Valley work together — for once — to get their own way at a federal level.

California passes landmark data privacy bill

Brexit will hamper U.K. tech, startup growth

Brexit, the U.K.’s departure from the European Union, is set for March 29 — and all signs point to a “no deal” that will cause serious, if not as of yet untold problems with immigration, trade, and even intelligence sharing and security arrangements with the U.K.’s European partners.

Leaving the EU without any trade or immigration deals in place will hurt startups and the wider tech scene. Attracting good overseas talent will be difficult without knowing what the immigration rules will be. Even practical things like GPS will begin to struggle, as well as data transfers in and out of the U.K. without a deal in place once the U.K. goes over the cliff-edge. It’ll be a nightmare for companies trying to comply with what’s left of the EU data protection and privacy laws.

Certain technology industries will see more trouble than others, like the gaming industry, which contributes £2 billion ($2.5 billion) to the U.K. economy every year. And, startups won’t get off easy either.

Brexit-related concerns remain key for UK tech, says UK gov report

Australia’s draconian encryption laws will begin to hurt

Following in the footsteps of the U.K., Australia passed an anti-encryption law that compels companies operating in the country to turn over encrypted data on request from several government departments.

Many U.S. tech companies, including Apple and Cisco, called on the Australian parliament to ditch the proposals for fear that the law could be abused or harm its customers’ privacy. That didn’t stop a bipartisan effort to pass the bill in time for the Christmas break.

Some companies have already said they can’t — and therefore won’t comply. Signal, the encrypted messaging app, said in a blog post that it “can’t include a backdoor in Signal,” despite the mandate from the country’s capitol. Other companies will find themselves facing the same dilemma. It might force companies to think about their presence in the country altogether.

US tech giants decry Australia’s ‘deeply flawed’ new anti-encryption law

Facebook’s privacy woes will spread to other Silicon Valley giants

Silicon Valley is split largely into two camps: your data for money, or your data doesn’t make money. You have Facebook, Google and to a lesser degree Twitter and Snap in the first bucket — then you have mostly hardware makers, like Apple, chip manufacturers like AMD and Intel and computer makers like HP and Dell in the other.

Facebook had scandal after scandal this year, after years of playing fast and loose with users’ data. Facebook claims it doesn’t sell your data, but it made money from it at every opportunity. And when it wasn’t actually selling access to your data, it was giving it away.

Many have wondered why other data-hungry, ad-focused companies haven’t had their reckoning yet — and many are asking the same questions. Facebook may be one of the biggest consumers of user data going, but it’s not the only one in the game. In making some of the world’s largest social networks and ad platforms, these companies have inadvertently become mass surveillance tools — either for governments with access already, or hackers and nation states that punch their way through the company’s defenses.

Their time will come — and hot on the heels of Facebook’s slew of scandals, expect it to be sooner rather than later.

Silicon Valley’s year of reckoning

Employees, not companies, will dictate how the technology they build is used

This year saw a resurgence of tech employees rising up against their employers for — in their eyes — misusing the products, services and technologies they made for uses outside their moral parameters.

Amazon employees complained that the company’s facial “Rekognition” shouldn’t be sold to law enforcement after the technology was found to racially discriminate against African-Americans. Microsoft staff complained that the company had a $19 million contract to serve U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, during a time where the agency was separating children from their asylum-seeking parents at the border. And Google employees complained when they found that the technology they helped to build would go on to serve Chinese users that enables state surveillance.

Now it’s employees who are trying to call the shots. So far, they’ve had mixed success. Amazon executives didn’t care; neither did Microsoft’s — but Google buckled. Given it’s the talented folk at the companies that make the products, they believe they have a right to say how their products are used and who gets them.

This isn’t something likely to change in the new year, as the government continues to rely on tech companies for enforcement and surveillance. Whether they will be successful, however, will be something to watch.

Protesters call on Salesforce to end contract with border patrol agency

One incident away from sparking another Apple v. FBI crypto-war

Two years ago, the Apple v. FBI dispute could have taken a completely different path. The FBI was pushing a legal challenge that would forever undermine encryption protections — making it easier for the government to compel companies into complying with orders to undermine their own software security. This year, we saw the government approach Facebook to force the company to rewrite its Messenger app to allow federal agents to wiretap calls. It was all in secret — and only became public thanks to leaks.

We’re still dangerously close to another “crypto-war” (that’s “crypto” for cryptography) that could result in heavy-handed legislation or a legal precedent.

Nobody wants a mass casualty event. But as with San Bernardino and the apparent threat from MS-13 — whether inflated or not, lawmakers and prosecutors use bodies as a bargaining chip to push for more access to our data under the guise of preventing another national crisis.

Inquiry finds FBI sued Apple to unlock phone without considering all options

Gloves are off for U.S. and China in cyberspace — again

The 2015 pact between the U.S. and China that promised to curb each others’ cyberespionage efforts amid rising tensions and escalating attacks between the two nations was delicate and frail, but it was almost inevitable that it would fall apart someday.

In December, when the Justice Department accused two Chinese spies of conducting state-backed hacking on dozens of U.S. companies and government departments, including the Navy, the gloves were off, and the pact was over. The writing was on the wall for a while. Security firm FireEye said in its look-ahead at 2019 that China’s reorganization of its offensive cyber operations units “will inform the growth and geographic expansion of Chinese cyber espionage activity through 2020 and beyond.”

In other words, expect the U.S. and China to begin sparring in cyberspace again.

Justice Department accuses Chinese spies of hacking into dozens of US tech and industry giants

Via Zack Whittaker https://techcrunch.com

#TechCrunch

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pipbabi · 6 years

Text

Best WoW Addons

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oxfordeliterp · 7 years

Photo

CONGRATULATIONS, BETH!

You have been accepted to play the role of LUCAS LOCKWOOD with the faceclaim of SEAN TEALE. Please create your account and send it to the main in the next 24 hours. I didn’t have to finish the application to be sold, but I finished it three times and, at every reading, I found something new to love. It’s a complex one, underlining not the surface of Lucas, but what’s inside his heart and after reading everything you have chosen to fill this application with, I can honestly say that I trust you wholly with this character, for you have already made him yours. You understand Lucas on so many different layers that I couldn’t imagine anybody else even trying to play him. Are you sure you haven’t written the biography yourself? I have seen your magic in this application tonight, but what I am truly enthusiastic about is the actual roleplaying with you.

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION

Name and pronouns: Beth and She/Her

Age: 25

Time-zone: EST

Activity level: I work full time on a shifting schedule, I’m the main admin and currently only admin in another RP where I have eight characters, and I try to maintain at least a weak social life so I don’t want to promise anything I can’t live up to, so I cannot promise rapid fire replies all day every day I have free time, but I intend to do replies at some point every day, and truly believe I can manage and if anything it will be easier to slip in replies for a roleplay where I only have one character and where doing replies doesn’t trigger questions and hurt feelings over why I have not done more replies. I could end up not as available as I think, every other day or so instead of every day, but I am dedicated and I have no intention of just appearing only to stay off activity check or anything of that nature. Furthermore, I vow to reply with thought and substance, fully present when I am present—but now I’ll stop before I go on and make those promises I can’t keep. Alternatively, I could just write in this section: Bitch, you know how I roll

Triggers: I can’t think of anything I react strongly enough to for it to be considered truly triggering. We all have stuff that we are less comfortable with or don’t like, but for me there’s nothing that would cause any reaction stronger than to possibly skip reading the rest of the post if I’m not involved that I can think of right now, and nothing I believe I couldn’t handle being involved in especially as most traumatic plots would have to be cleared in advance and I’d have a chance to access my comfortability (ie rape or my character discovering the body of a friend who committed suicide), but I will let you know if something arises and tag anything in the triggers tag.

IN CHARACTER INFORMATION

Desired character: Lucas Lockwood. Several areas of his background struck with me. It’s always a balance of finding a character that you can put a piece of your soul into as a way to bring them to life but not making them your physical skin to a point where it is both boring to play albeit easy to know how they will react or dangerous that you may take things said/done to or about the character too personally. Lucas, truly, is very far from me—though those are the aspects I am drawn to too and can’t wait to explore, the Casanova spirit, the tough callouses grown on the path to “cool” and enviable paragon, the fake relationship with strong frames supporting rotting guts and the mindset of what would possess one of the ten men who could have anything to persist in that arrangement when the Casanova is limiting who he can charm into his arms and bed and how openly and the boy who for loves love deep at heart is settling for a lack, the sexual tension with the stepsister, and the evolution to careless rich boy—but his history spoke to me until I saw him as a kindred spirit talking to me about shared experiences. I was older than Lucas was when he lost his mother, but I know that pain and the further hell of seeing a parent shattered for years and being what feels like their caregiver when they still should have been caring for you, and to have that be what feels like the expectation, damaging words of “take care of your [for me it was my mother left]” or “you can’t be a child from now on” feeling like orders not just sentiments with some of them regretful. I’ve seen my remaining parent leave a job and collapse in—though I will defend that my mother didn’t do so to the extents I may hypothesize Mr. Lockwood did– and heard them talk about love so strong they now know why in some traditions wives throw themselves on their husband’s funeral pyres, making me wonder why love for a child wasn’t enough to live but then having the weight fall that parental love and obligation was the only thing keeping them on the earth. I’ve worn clothes until they literally fall apart and learned to cook from free food pantry items, and I’ve also experienced the recovery as life does go on and get better eventually, though there was no marrying rich or even new love besides finding new love for living and new jobs in my family’s story. My mother calls even the idea of finding someone new to love an abomination in the face of true love thirteen years after my father died and talks about him all the time, selling the idea of consuming love and soulmates until it becomes as terrifying as it is enchanting to hear of how life shapingly wonderful being in love is and you don’t know whether to run to or run away which are conversations I am sure Lucas and his father had. I know how deliriously, desperately happy and hopeful I would be if my mother did fall in love again, the way my knees would bruise with the speed and fervency I would drop to my knees to pray it lasts, and the lengths I would go to making sure nothing interferes while trying not to show how much it means and scare the budding love away, so it is all too easy to see Lucas’s mind on the new marriage. Those are the heavy aspects and those of what first ties me to the character over the other riot Club members, but, at the core I desire Luca because I do love the easy-breezy and charming aspects and I plan on having a lot of fun with our rioting rich boys and the inter-club war. Also, come on, I saw apps for Lauren and Cordelia and there’s a good starting place.

Gender and pronouns of the character: Male, he/him

Changes: As discussed, I would like to change the faceclaim to Sean Teale. I can think of no other changes at this time as it was already established we had the same ideas about areas of his backstory that were left more open (ie what age he was when his mother died), not that I believe I would have changed those anyway instead of adapting. Anything else that diverts from the bio would be unintentional, personal interpretation, or character growth over time and if something strikes you as off and wasn’t cleared beforehand you can approach and reproach me as it really would be misunderstanding more than likely.

Traits:

For someone with humble beginnings, Lucas lacks the social consciousness or sense of social responsibility one might expect –to a degree at least. He may furrow his brow occasionally and discuss heavy world issues with intelligence, but only until the next opportunity to change the subject comes up. Problems bore and choke him and he’s gagged enough on dust. He will fold his biggest bill and put it in a busker’s container or the homeless man’s cup with compassion but these are the same close to empty gestures of anyone with periodic guilt for having when there are have-nots and he’ll join the jeering too if anyone says they are where they are only through fault of their own, without correcting that it’s often more complicated. He not only doesn’t read evil intent into casual comments such as assumptions he’s good at football, but would defend there would be nothing wrong in it if these were in fact based in the shade of his skin rather than the facts that he has a footballers’ build and stance and is known to be athletic and competitive, or that he made a comment about playing in lower school one time. Not everything is racist, or everything is and it’s too exhausting to pay attention to all of it and not worth it if it’s not harmful. Nobody’s calling him any slurs, or the one time they did it seemed affectionate (And it was the wrong one, which made it funnier instead of more offensive, assuming his mother had been Sicilian not Spanish with family roots in…he isn’t even sure where. Someplace tropical, but God forsaken and constantly destroyed by hurricanes instead of fashionable, he’d say, getting the vibe part right and part very wrong and terribly offensive to any kin he could have tracked down on that side). He fired back just as quickly with a term of his own that could have gotten him in serious trouble in school, beaten up, or professionally blacklisted if said in the wrong setting to the wrong person, because he was lacking filter and sensitivity that day, but it was just jokes, just how the boys talk—and he loves his boys more than his own life that he’d dispose for any of them not realizing that claiming and feeling so he’s fallen into the love trap just like any romantic even if it’s a different genus of love.

It’s just like they can call each other every slang or synonym for homosexual in the book as insult with only the oversensitive in his estimation calling it hate speak, though they hardly do call each other that way anymore when it’s an outdated fashion. It’s more designer edgy—again, his estimation and his personality that all is aesthetic–to embrace yourself and your peers as any identity but straight and to wave your hands vaguely, spreading the smoke from your lit cigarette you openly mock as phallic as if anyone thinks Freud is more than a joke anymore as you slouch and sit with legs spread because careless is a fashion too, and talk about how you don’t see gender really and sexuality is a spectrum (as you, and only you out of millions who have said the exact same thing) understand truly. You say you don’t like to label or limit yourself and make eye contact with either the prettiest thing in the room or the one you want to exert dominance over because, gay, straight, pan, bi, demi, or any other either of you might be, if they look away first you’ve gained power. It’s a game. Lucas takes everything that makes up behavior lightly as a game that he’s childishly pleased to have learned all the rules of young—not that he shows how pleased, cool cucumber he must play.

Lucas is close to truly soulless, not mourning the morals he doesn’t adhere to like Nicholas secretly does, and not aware that he is miserable, self-hating, or even much miserable at all like Miles seems to be. He is content with what he’s sold, even content in not feeling the warmth of falling in love except in tastes that last for hours or nights or linger in generalities of finding everyone has something lovable. He’s a light spirit and adaptable in the extreme to the point he would seem weak willed and desperate to fit any mold to be liked if he were less shining and a touch more pathetic. He doesn’t see it as selling out or hiding a “real him” but that he’s gone and found his days in the sun and is enjoying them just as his father went and found new life.

I have hardly gone into the traits that make him up, though I’ve touched on some that weren’t borrowed explicitly from the bio to give you a better idea that I am immersing in and creating a character that is truly mine instead of just parroting. This was supposed to just be a beginning but I have talked too long (as I could truly talk about Lucas all day) and I will spare you further reading unless you want me to return to this section.

Extras:

First off, Lucas’s major course. I would have him go for a MEng in Engineering Science, which may seem weight-y and cerebral for Lucas, but I feel like it is befitting for:

Someone who grew up in thin times where handymen and other technicians like plumbers and electricians couldn’t be afforded and would be trying to fix things as they broke, far beyond his usual expected level sometimes as a child, and tinker until they worked—even if his father when he could be stirred did most of it and Lucas was just observing. You spend enough time trying to look at everything and figure out how it goes together and comes apart and how to keep it working, and you either get frustrated and resentful or develop talents and fascinations

Engineers are both respected and always in demand, and Lucas wants to be secure in life even if he one day never sees a dime of the McQueen money that is now the merged family bankroll. He doesn’t have the obsession with a certain style of life that Nicholas does. He could give up the designers that he only memorizes to fit in and because they mean something to others (and, on the other hand, only feigns ignorance of sometimes to bait Cordelia or make her eyes widen). He could leave opulent houses and once in a lifetime vacations that happen multiple times a year. He doesn’t need fine food and drink, but he does need to know there will always be a full table, a roof, and clothes on back no matter what fate throws, and he’ll develop talents that aren’t easy to learn and study advanced maths few want to approach to make himself indispensable even if he’s gone from top to middle of the class as to truly excel at his chosen course it requires dedication he has in spirit but not always in practice as there are so many things to commit time to instead of living in a mechanics or robotics lab or scribbling in a notebook or entering equations in a laptop every waking moment.

For a more fun and light extra, I made a text post meme post—on a blog not related to this RP because , though I know mock blogs are a thing, my own superstition is it’s tempting fate to make a character blog in advance unless instructed to. I could defend every quote I chose if asked, including why “having no fucks left to give” and “I cannot stop caring” are not as contradictory as they would seem at first brush, but, as you wrote the character, I am sure you can see where I drew influences from and if I am taking away the right bits.

http://the-dark-marks.tumblr.com/private/160156220833/tumblr_op8d47IkaB1ttdq0w

Headcanons and other extras will come through the days that come if I am to be accepted. Everything from here on out is an “extra” technically as we get chances to prove we can take the characters beyond the bios and add layers.

PARA SAMPLE

Lucas had taught himself to tie a tie from a youtube video in his room at eleven when some friend’s concerned parents compelled him into going to church services with them, pulling the trick by making it into a gateway to a whole day of plan, the family in question always having some adventure planned that they left for via a Sunday drive tradition straight from church. He knew it was all part trick, no reason they couldn’t double back and pick him up after services as he stood waiting in street clothes and they too had a chance to go home and change instead of awkwardly packing extra outfits if warranted and changing in the church bathroom. He didn’t even mind. They weren’t even trying to “save” him. They just thought he needed “proper influences” in his life like they could see through the windows of his house, though Mr. Lockwood could put on a face of the best of them and act the dear and doting, constantly cheerful jokester matured into cool dad that still had boundaries even though it took more to get to them that Lucas remembered from his early childhood. He slayed at parent and teacher nights.

So Lucas learned to tie a tie, the same tie that went with the same dusty and too short in the arms and legs by then suit he’d worn to his mother’s funeral a few years before, because he didn’t know how fancy this church was and he didn’t own a button down that wasn’t short sleeves anyway at the time and it was winter, so suit with suit jacket it was. He couldn’t ask his father that day, not only because he didn’t know how to explain that he had nothing else to wear and not make his father feel guilty if he laughed at the suit and asked the question the one who bought the clothes they both dressed in should already know the answer to. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to answer why he was going to church in monkey clothes (Ah, how funny to think how many times a year the Lockwood patriarch would be wearing true monkey suits to lofty events, parading tuxedos with pride and beaming over cufflinks in not too many years, though the beaming was for who had bought him the cufflinks and helped him pick the suit) just for the sake of a day on the pier and the beach after, why the other family wanted to drag him about so, when it was because they thought Lucas would be better imitating any of the upstanding kind of men you met in such a building or absorbing some good advice from scripture rather than listening to his father. It was because it was almost the anniversary of when his mother died again and Dad was locked in his room the past two days listening to their song.

He’d done a not bad job on the tie, but his father had caught him on his way out and, after a confused look that read startled to even see him in the house and not remembering that it wasn’t yesterday Lucas’ friend’s family was picking him up and today they were returning him much less that there was something planned that needed a suit, and following this with an obvious reassembling of expression that said he was going to pretend to be all knowing so he didn’t look like a bad father, adjusted it for him, giving him advice on how to make a straighter, surer not and have the tie lay better next time.

Practice and fatherly advice and Lucas got quite good at ties over the years. He added more and more styles of knotting to his repertoire over the years as he added more ties of finer materials and had more occasion to wear them, though he faltered on purpose at the first few events with the McQueens to feel that motherly touch of his father’s new wife that fulfilled a craving he’d shut himself off from having almost ten years before meeting her or to smirk at Cordelia and gaze into her eyes trying to decide whether it was amusement or disdain in them as she rebuked his uselessness and he felt her fingers dancing around his collar. Oxford and his mates taught him yet more and what styles suited what, well, suits and days until he could have written his own books on customs and etiquette just related to the silly bits of silk, and the only time now he felt at loss was when the question became what tie to wear in what style to Elizabeth Pemberly’s funeral and how to not make it feel like his own noose when he gazed on another coffin.

#lucas lockwood #accepted

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persuadedproject-blog · 8 years

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Chapter 5

Anne did not need this visit to Uppercross to learn that physical distance can also lead to a difference of opinions, values, and what is worth talking about. With every visit over the years, she had always been struck by the culture shock that happens as soon as you are far enough from the reaches of Washington. Even though Uppercross was under a hundred and fifty miles away, it might as well have been a different country.

Where in Washington, dinners would have been filled with the latest scandals (made up or substantive), how that would affect the next election, and general “who knows who”, in Uppercross the closest they came to talking politics was to mention how the city council's new regulations on noise limits would affect the upcoming party (themed per Louise’s suggestion after A Midsummer Night’s Dream). Business, local news, and anything that could generate laughter were the top subjects for discussion in Uppercross, which was a good change for Anne. She could not help but think it might do the other Elliots some good to see what an insignificant role they played in the lives of ordinary people - that outside of their own circle, no one remembered to really think of them, much less think critically of them and their situation. Even she had been surprised at the lack of curiosity stemming from the Musgroves. She had been bracing herself for questions she did not want to answer, since they were moving suddenly, and Anne was going to be spending an undetermined amount of time with Mary. But all that was asked was an off-handed,

“So, Senator Walter and Liz are out of Kellynch now? Where did you say they settled up North?” (to the Musgrove parents, anywhere above Maryland counted as the all-encompassing region of “up North”). Anne did not even need to answer the question, because Louise jumped in.

“They went up to the Martha’s Vineyard area, Mama, you remember I told you that!”

“I hope we can make it up there by the end of the summer too,” Hazel added eagerly. “It looks so gorgeous from the photos Liz keeps posting. But we will have to make sure we get a good spot - I don’t want to be in one of those high rises, having to share the beach with everybody and their cousin!”

“It would make a good getaway,” Louise agreed, shrewdly joining her sister’s campaign. “You know how the doctor said the heat isn’t all that good for your heart? Well maybe going up North for a week or two would be a good relief, once things really start warming up down here.” Temperatures were already reaching the high eighties on a weekly basis, but in Virginia that doesn’t count as truly warm - truly warm is in August, when daily hundred degree heat meets with swimming humidity, and it requires a lot of hard work and hairspray to look human.

“I will be in a pretty pickle, when you all drive away to be happy in Martha’s Vineyard!” was Mary’s comment. And that was all that was asked about the subject - Anne was relieved, and determined not to have any more delusions about the importance of her family’s upheaval to anyone not directly involved.

Being unsure of exactly how long Mary’s condition would claim her help, Anne quickly developed a pattern for her days. In the morning she got up, got the boys ready for school (usually with the incentive of a pancake with a smiley face), and sent them off with Charles. After hearing how Mary was doing, a process which took about twenty minutes, she put on the kettle and scrolled through the headlines in the Washington Post app, just to make sure none of Elliot Consulting’s clients had unintentionally lit something on fire while she was asleep. If there was a fire, she laid the groundwork for one of the consultants in the city to minimize the damage - if there was not, she continued on with the day’s planned work until about four in the afternoon. Mary’s guest room had plenty of sunlight, a view of the Small Town USA street, and a vanity which Anne had converted into her desk - all in all, a fine office. At four, it was time to start preparing for dinner - either cooking it, or going to the Musgroves for dinner (when Anne was cooking, the senior Musgroves would come over much more readily, and so the majority of nights one family or the other walked the half mile to eat and visit). Once dinner was finished and Charles put the boys to bed, the adults all did as they liked; Charles generally settled on the couch to watch whatever sport was going on that evening, while Mary and Anne were able to catch up about the day’s goings-on in the kitchen. Anne ended her days curled up in her room, soaking in the solitude and reading until her eyes drifted shut.

Mary had never kept Anne at arm’s length like Liz had, and she was not above listening to her. As irritating as she could be, Mary was the closest thing to a sister that Anne had. Charles had the friendly, sunny disposition of a golden retriever, and was certainly more emotionally stable than his wife - but he did not have the charm, ease, or smarts to create any concerns about him trying to rekindle any past flame. He had enough of all those things that if someone had been able to encourage them in him, he might have had a shot of standing out, maybe even being remarkable. But as it was, he went to work, did his job adequately, and did not get really excited about anything but sports - baseball in particular. He did bear with Mary’s highs and lows pretty well (in Anne’s opinion), and despite all of the thousand small disagreements, they had a chance at passing as a happy couple. Being on friendly footing and having a known degree of influence with both spouses, Anne was reluctantly roped into many of their quibbles. From offhanded comments like,

“I think I could have the boys behaving well, if Mary didn’t have to interfere,” to more pointed requests for help, the young Musgroves did not hesitate to leverage Anne’s opinions. When Anne tried raising the subject with Mary the response she got was,

“Charles spoils CJ and Walter so much that there isn’t even a possibility of me getting them to behave when he’s not around.” Anne did not agree with this assessment, but she decided to let it rest, since there were many other issues placed on her docket by both spouses.

“I wish you would convince Mary to not imaginine herself to be sick all the time,” was Charle’s lament, one that was echoed in reverse by his wife.

“I think that if Charles saw me actually dying, he would think there was nothing wrong with me. You could convince him, Anne. You must make him believe I am really, truly unwell - much sicker than I would ever let on.”

Although being in Uppercross was in some ways easier than living with her family in the Kellynch House, she did not like being every Musgrove’s personal counselor - particularly since she was the receptacle of all of their complaints about each other. Mrs. Musgrove seized her first opportunity when she was alone with Anne to plead with her to talk some sense into Mary.

“I can’t help but wish that she had your way with CJ and Walter, Anne. They are spoiled so rotten, the only way to keep them in line is to bribe them with more sweets than is good for them. Of course I love them,” she amended her statement quickly, “they are my grandchildren. But because Mary hasn’t trained them at all, it is hard to enjoy them being around. Every second, I have to have an eye on both of them, or else they will go straight to something breakable, or fighting with each other, or trying to sneak out of the house with poor Oscar.” Oscar was Mrs. Musgrove’s ancient dachshund. He was crabby and so fat his little legs could barely support him, but he was still Mrs. Musgrove’s darling - and heaven help the person (grandchild or not) who brought harmful circumstances to him. “I would have the boys here more if I didn’t have to stuff them full of cake every time they are over.” The very next day, Mary told Anne,

“I hate sending the boys over to the Great House, even though Mom is always wanting to see them, because she spoils them and lets them run wild. She always gives them so much sugar that they come back hyper, and much less manageable. If they are over at her house, I may as well give up on getting any rest for the whole day.” And so the back and forth continued. Anne could not do much but listen like she cared very much, try to soften the offences, and excuse each party to the other. Did she have an invisible sheriff’s badge on, saying that it was her responsibility to keep the peace? The only hints she tended to pass on were for her sister’s bettering - but she had to make Mary think they were her own ideas, not that they came from her relatives. It was an art form, but Anne was nothing if not a master navigator of the awkward situation.

Other than being the go-between for all of the Musgrove’s grievances, the time in Uppercross was proving to be good for Anne. The change of scene and society was good for Anne’s spirits, and Mary’s ailments were on the decline due to her consistent care, and their almost daily visits with the people in the Great House were chaotically happy times. Anne was sure that her time would have been very different without the Musgrove parents sitting steadily in their usual place, holding court and welcoming family and neighbors alike, or without her conversations with the girls, sprinkled with their bursts of laughter and occasional spontaneous karaoke nights. All of the Musgroves knew that Anne did not like to sing in front of people (the one time they had made her try, they found out that a nervous Anne’s singing sounded reedy and sharp, which is not a good match for Beyonce’s Halo), so on such occasions at home she was put in charge of song selection. The Musgroves were well-loved in their community, so it made sense that their house was often occupied by plenty of people besides Anne, Mary, and Charles; their neighbors, work companions, and school friends added a comfortable degree of variation to Anne’s new patterns.

A new set of visitors to Uppercross overturned Anne’s tranquility - their presence put her peace of mind in a blender for a while. The Admiral had research and meetings in Norfolk, an hour down the coast. His research had to do with the navy cooperating with local fisheries during certain drills, and this threw him into Mr. Musgrove’s path. After finding out that the admiral was driving three hours one way to do his work, Mr. Musgrove invited the Crofts to stay in the Great House on the spot. He had forgotten that the girls had claimed the guest room as a storage area for all of their Midsummer Night party preparations, but it was quickly cleared out enough to walk through, and a nest was made for the grateful Crofts. A persistant series of invitations from Mary meant that the Musgrove girls brought them over for a quick hello the day after they arrived in Uppercross. When they arrived, Charles was out, and so Mary and the girls entertained the Admiral, when he was not being accosted by CJ and Walter (after he good-naturedly wrestled them to the ground, they had promptly decided they both wanted to be admirals when they grew up). This left Anne to talk mainly to Mrs. Croft - or Sophie, as she insisted Anne call her. She was a very solid person, who would not dream of putting on formalities where they are not necessary. Her skin was weathered by many hours spent outside in the sun, and she had the sense of someone who has had a multitude of experiences, ones that she allowed to only make her kinder and wiser.

“We have so enjoyed getting to know the Kellynch House, and the Alexandria area,” she told Anne, her dark eyes smiling. “I can tell someone has taken very good care of that house, and I am trying to keep it up just as carefully.”

“I am glad you get to enjoy it,” Anne replied sincerely. “Have you had any trouble getting around the area? I know all of the one way roads can be a challenge to newcomers.”

“We just allow an extra twenty minutes for when we have to turn around. We’ll get the hang of it eventually, we have in every city.” After a few minutes of small talk, Anne was able to get a decent gauge on her conversation partner, and became more comfortable. Sophie gave no indication that she knew what had happened between Anne and her brother, and Anne thought how nice it was that there were no small side-glances or out of order questions that would hint at a past beyond the last ten minutes. When there was a brief lull, all of Anne’s comfortable thoughts of safety and the luxury of not having to be on guard came to a screaming halt as she heard the question

“I think it was you, not Mary or your other sister, that knew my brother in Alexandria?” Choking, Anne tried not to let the shrieking that was happening in her brain translate to her face. “You may not have heard this, but he’s married now,” Sophie added helpfully. Anne felt like a puppet master, trying to pull her face into shape that included a smile that was only mildly interested, eyes that did not bug out, and above all did not look like it took work.

“Oh? Good for him.”

“Eduard thought he would never find a girl who wanted to marry into the pastoring life, but he found the perfect girl! She was actually already in ministry herself, so they were very compatible. They’d like to move back to Alexandria someday, since Eduard loved the town and the history so much. When I described the Kellynch House to him, he knew exactly where it was.” Now Anne could say the words she needed, and did not need to orchestrate the expected questions, tones, and facial expressions. She had genuinely liked the quirky but caring Eduard, and was glad to hear he was happy. A little ashamed that her brain had jumped immediately to Cap, she tried to make up for it by asking after his brother. Her heart rate calmed down and the frenzy in her brain quieted as she got back to the task of socializing like a normal human being. As the Crofts were leaving, the Admiral said off-handedly to Mary,

“We are expecting a brother of Sophie’s next week! We were actually hoping to host him in D.C., but since my work is dragging out here, we will all get an Airbnb for the week. I think he could use all of this company, the Musgroves will be good for him! I’m sure you’ve heard his name.” Here he paused the conversation to roar playfully at CJ and Walter, who were trying to sneak up on him with their toy swords. They ended up clinging to his leg and pleading with him not to go, and so in the process of disentangling himself the Admiral had no time to finish his sentence. Determined not to repeat the mistake of half an hour ago, Anne spent the rest of the day trying to convince herself that they were still talking about Eduard. Unfortunately, she could not be one hundred percent sure of that, even with the immediate round of social media stalking that followed. She was left to be unsure, and to strain for any new information on this Wentworth brother’s visit.

That evening, since the Crofts were going out for a date night, the senior Musgroves were supposed to come over for dinner. An hour before they were scheduled to show up, Louise let herself in the front door and trotted breathlessly into the kitchen. Uppercross was the kind of community where you could - and frequently would - leave your front door unlocked. If major security measures seemed called for, you could always swing the latch over on the screen door, to keep any low-level hooligans out.

“Sorry I’m so early,” she said, sweeping some rogue strands of hair away from her face. “I was looking for the tuner to use on my ukulele. I think I left it here when I was visiting yesterday. I could’ve used the app, but I just don’t think it’s as dependable. And Mama is going to need a perfectly in-tune set this evening.” Both Mary and Anne looked up with curiosity.

“Is she not feeling well?” Anne asked.

“She’s just really down. This morning Admiral Croft mentioned that Sophie’s brother is coming to town. I think they call him Captain, even though he wasn’t in the army or anything, isn’t that funny? Anyways, he mentioned that this brother was a diplomat oversees, and he even spent some time in Munich, which is where Richard worked. And now she can’t stop thinking about poor Richard. So I thought some nice music might help take her mind off things.”

This was thoughtful of Louise, even though Richard deserved no pity. The Musgroves were unlucky enough to have a dudebro of a son. Interested in little outside jetskis, poker, and craft beer, Richard had just barely scraped by his college education. After graduation, he had spent half a year “trying to find work” suitable for his degree in communications, labors which mostly involved spending as much time as possible on the coast, drink in hand. A friend of his eventually hired him as a director of online marketing for a beer company based out of Munich, where he promptly squandered his time and income. Richard found himself in debt to a lot of the wrong people, and became a sinkhole for funds and bad decisions. The Musgroves had eventually needed to cut off support, and after that he was in the wind - they had not heard from him in over a year and a half. Thanks to her motherly soft heart, Mrs. Musgrove could still manage to feel sorry for him, and the rest of the Musgroves refrained from speaking derisively of him out of care for her feelings. In her memories softened by absence and affections, he was a good kid who just needed to get things sorted out. To the rest of the world, he was a selfish, thick-headed, infuriating waste of opportunity, who was only worth half his name.

“Mama remembered that one time when he Skyped her late at night (this was when he was still working for Bönnsch), he had said a guy named Fred Wentworth had gotten him out of a sticky situation in one of the casinos. It turns out, this is the same person!”

“We will have to make sure we thank him,” Mary said, sweeping pecans off of a chopping board and into the salad.

“It might not be best to bring it up right away,” Louise replied, “But he may just know something about where poor Richard is now. It would put Mama’s mind at rest to know for sure.”

“Well, it would be interesting to see if we remember him from when Sophie’s other brother was living near Kellynch. I think we might have had this Cap over for dinner once or twice, don’t you think Anne?”

Feeling like she had been caught, Anne jumped.

“Um, yes. We had both he and Eduard over a couple of times,” she confirmed, quickly whirling around to put chicken into a frying pan. Fortunately things that are monumental in our own minds are passing moments for others, and so Louise and Mary continued to chat about the arrival of this newcomer to Uppercross. After years of having Cap as a secret, his name only spoken in her mind, hearing him talked about in the open at great length was unnerving to Anne. When Hazel and company arrived, it was decided that all of them should meet this unofficial captain as soon as he was in town and ready for company. It was strange to Anne that someone she had known so entirely years ago was now unknown and a subject of great interest to her small circle here. It was tempting to flee the conversations, to not have to calculate every response, to not need to work at keeping a neutral expression on her face. But Anne was a practical person, and she knew she would now have to get used to her Cap being a subject of regular conversation.

‘No, not my Cap,’ she reminded herself. ‘That was all decidedly over years ago, I have no right to think of him like that.’ The inclination, maybe, but certainly no right. So she steeled herself, and tried to desensitize herself to the name and idea of Captain Wentworth as quickly as possible.

That’s all for now, folks! Thanks for reading, and come around next week for another episode of Anne Has To Deal With Increasingly More Uncomfortable Situations, which is what I’m considering the alternate title for this whole project.

Chapter 6: http://bit.ly/2vA12rT

#persuasion #jane austen #persuadedproject #upset

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