#i like to imagine she stayed physically active in old age

[fenixseraph]

Seeing a bunch of older artworks and XB3-style model edits for Fiora inspired me to doodle my attempt at what she might look like after the timeskip. If Shulk can look like a cute mommy then it's only fair that she can too.

Decided to stick with Tanaka's Xenogears artstyle instead of Saito's, so I ended up mixing features from her XB2 concept art along with Yui Uzuki's (hey, her husband is a Citan now, who'd have seen that coming?). Gave her the prototype dress because it looks cute and comfy, and also because I'm not fashionminded enough to come up with a new one on my own.

[byghostface]

//long rambling

There is a vent in the last part (about pro ship:/+ wired shipping + block list) it's naturally negative so reading at your own risk.

So in the new Batman and Robin issue #7 Nika's sister making an appearance, got me thinking of other possibilities for sibling characters to come back.

Mostly I’m thinking about Respawn since he is Joshua Williamson's own character. And He made Respawn appeared in the last issue of Robin(2021), he also brought back Mara in that run too (just some appearance in the later issue).

And now Joshua Williamson is writing Batman and Robin, so naturally he can bring some characters back in this run. He had said in an interview that he might have figured out a way(try) to bring back Maya.

Throwback to 2022 of this old wip/art I made, is about what I think the emo teens of Lazarus squad dynamic would look like.

I imagine Nika and Respaw are irritated/tolerate with each other but would stay for Damian because Nika is Damian's girlfriend and they want to stick together. Meanwhile, Damian likes to include his half-brother in some fun activities (Respawn is acting reluctant bc of his own issues but he actually likes to have friends and feel include).

I haven’t finished this art bc I was going to add more wips (with other characters like Rose and Hawke) to make it a post. I didn't finish this art back then bc I was afraid Talia fans would be mad at me for drawing Respawn.

Trust me, I hate that Talia gets associated with Deathstroke like this, but I think Respawn is a confused/mistreated teen character and Damian (bless his heart and soul) still wants to be his brother regarding the whole mess. I will explain/talk more about my thoughts on Respawn as a character and his situations once I finish these drawings and get ready to post them.

Writing/typing words is harder than drawing for me personally. Drawing is like channeling my energy into a picture and forming an atmosphere and hopefully people will understand what thoughts and feelings I was trying to convey. Writing is using more brain powers to choose the correct and cohesive words, so people would not misunderstand what I'm talking about. Especially when English is not my first language, and even so I normally don't talk(write) much in my mother tongue either…(I'm not a quick thinker, it took me a longer time to think things through, writing literally exhausted me physically and mentally more than drawing.)

It doesn't mean I don't enjoy writing, it's just not my first choice to convey thoughts… but considering I can't draw everything I have in my mind and it takes even longer time to finish any art, I just need to write down things first from now on. Tumblr is the only place I can think of that has this longer text feature blog post and I'm more familiar with this platform format. So I will still be here posting my fan content.

.

(↓Vent, if you want to avoid being block by me then read down below.)

I must say I will forever hate respawn x flatline as ship, cus I know who started this ship and their reasons behind it—Don’t let the new character develop naturally as the story goes, let’s put them in made-up weird situations first so I can prop up my own ship!😍 And get both of the new characters out of the way, since no one would defend them so I can fanon the hell out of them by making them look bad all around!🤞 (What if I stone you first hand🪨🪨💥)

And I will continue to dislike/against any shipping Damian's sibling to Nika. I simply don't like the unnecessary sibling conflict just for romance tropes! So go away boooo I hate you‼️ Not to mention the ignoring of different age range multi-ship hide behind poly… that's straight up proshipping I hate you even more!!👎

Also for people who said Nika should be crush on Damian's mother instead of him… I hate you twisted proshipper rotten smooth brain‼️‼️ She dating a boy her age and has mutual connections with him, why would she crush on her boyfriend's mother instead?? Just because Nika is a big fan of Talia??? So you telling me young ppl can't idolize adults normally without being labeled as romantic nowadays huh??( Not saying you can't crush on adults, but why crush on your boyfriend's mom? ) Your weird ass mind is showing with this ass hc be fr. Again, why would you imagine that? You just wanted to push a fake narrative of Nika being wired so you could have an excuse to make Talia and Damian dislike her (which is not true), but in fact is YOU are the weird one projecting your twist thoughts/hate onto Nika‼️💥🪨🪨

I will start to block ppl who are shipping/liking respawn x flatline (+proshipper) and STILL interact with me, read the room!! My art is not for you weirdos‼️Go away BOOOO💥 🪨🪨🪨💥💥

Can't believe I need to type this all out cuz some of you weirdos will still do these things and think is okay to interact with me and my post/showing in my notifications BOOO👎🪨🪨💥🪳🪳🪳🩴🩴🩴

(sorry for venting about random weirdos/Nika haters again, and thanks for reading.)

[panlight]

Why do you think, in story, the volturi didn't move for so long? Out of story I'm pretty sure that Meyer just wanted the cracked milky white skin and creepy filmed eyes for her baddies. In story, however, the Volturi would have had endless things to do. Read every book, travel, visit other vampires and top off Aro's memories from them, etc. If they enjoy immortality and ruling so much, wouldn't they enjoy the actual act of existing?

Stephenie: For me it’s not like aging but it’s more like petrification, they never go anywhere, they’re not very active. In my mind it was like year and years of dust settling on their skin. Tanya and her sister the Denali family are over a thousand years old but they look like Carlisle as they’re still very active.

I mean even if they stayed on their thrones and had humans brought to them, they'd still have to get up and move to actually bite and drain them, right? There's nothing in canon to suggest that Volturi staff are draining the humans and bringing cups with straws to the Volturi and just holding them to their lips while they otherwise remain motionless.

I think SM wanted to make them creepier and more 'vampire-y' than her other vampire characters and came up with this dusty onion skin and milky eyes to accomplish it. I suppose it's possible she doesn't mean literally staying still, that they moved a little but because they weren't getting up and running through the woods hunting this petrification process happened. That's sort of implied with the Romanians; they have similar skin to the Volturi but their eyes are clear, as they explain, because the Volturi overthrowing them forced them to run and fight rather than continue to sit there and be worshipped and petrify.

“We sat still for a very long time. Contemplating our own divinity. It was a sign of our power that everything came to us. Prey, diplomats, those seeking our favor. We sat on our thrones and thought ourselves gods. We didn’t notice for a long time that we were changing – almost petrifying. I suppose the Volturi did us one favor when they burned our castles. Stefan and I, at least, did not continue to petrify. Now the Volturi’s eyes are filmed with dusty scum, but ours are bright. I imagine that will give us an advantage when we gouge theirs from their sockets.”

So I guess the in-story answer is that they move, a little, but not enough to keep the petrification at bay. They spend most of their time sitting on their thrones contemplating their awesomeness and judging wayward vampires. Because all they have to do is get out of their chair and drain someone who is brought to them they aren't getting enough physical activity to keep dust from settling on their skin and bonding with the venom layer or whatever the explanation is supposed to be.

Or maybe in the modern day they are like the Judge on the Good Place and just binging human TV shows. Aro for sure loved Game of Thrones.

[verdemoun]

What Mitski song do you think each of the gang members would resonate with if they listened to it (if you don’t listen to Mitski than replace her with any emotional/vent songs to associate with them) Also do you think Kieran and Molly would bond over being somewhat hated in the canon timeline? (Fun fact! Kieran helps Molly out of the wagon when the gang arrives at Shady Bell :])

I will respond to all asks I promise but this sent me into a tailspin because @themodernpr0metheus and I talk about this regularly. Also I don't think you're legally allowed to be gay And depressed without listening to Mitski.

People who actively listen to Mitski: Arthur, Javier, Sean, Lenny, Jenny, Karen, MOLLY, Trelawney, Annabelle, Jack, Isaac, Abigail Jr.

Molly and Kieran are besties I love that scene I want to believe they were almost-friends in canon era just with Molly usually sulking at the edge of camp when she was mad with Dutch meanwhile Kieran sulked at the edge of camp to avoid being physically or verbally assaulted. They text constantly and Molly will always send Kieran a photo of a horse whenever she sees one.

Dutch: I Bet On Losing Dogs (very specifically reminded of his last canon interaction with Arthur) and I'm Your Man (his relationship with John, his favorite son). Mental breakdown levels of distress first time he heard those songs. Walking up to his nurses asking to be sedated levels of distress.

Hosea: Me and My Husband. He loves his wife infinitely. That doesn't mean he won't always love Dutch too. It really was always just him and them together. He really did bet it all he had on that.

Arthur: Two Slow Dancers. As much as he loves that he gets to grow old with Charles he is terrified of getting old and aging bit Mitski makes that fear okay.

John: A Pearl. He knows Abigail has always tried to understand how he struggled to move on from VDL era but sometimes she doesn't get it and he feels the need to apologize for the way he is.

Javier: Love Me More. Absolutely blames John for him having issues with needing constant validation and affection in relationships. Kieran is happy to supply though they are very happy and secure.

Bill: Shame. Someone tell him internalized homophobia went out of fashion.

Micah: Everyone. Not that he would ever admit to listening to Mitski. Micah thinks he is a victim and had no choice but to become the villain everyone thought he was. I think Micah is a jackass.

Charles: My Love Mine All Mine. He is soft and in love with Arthur and it is beautiful.

Sean: Remember My Name. Sean, to everyone's surprise, is actually the one who deals with the most existential dread over the fact the legend of the VDL gang was already mostly forgotten by modern era. Feels like his life has been too hard to just be forgotten, y'know? But definitely knows his completely average modern life is nothing memorable to anyone other than his found family and feels like he's already lost his five minutes of fame being an outlaw in 1899.

Lenny: Stay Soft. Between being on the run for murder as a teenager, being a young black man in 1899, and losing every meaningful relationship in his life (Father, Jenny, Sean), he actively has to learn to be soft again and be emotionally available in timewarp era.

Sadie: Because Dreaming Costs Money, My Dear. Because she always has and always will find a way to make things work so her darling soft husband never has to worry about a thing in the world.

Karen: Nobody. Look me in the eye. Watch the music video. Imagine Karen Jones. Also, asking Sean to see her when they borrow John's tent at his party?? She gets it.

Uncle: A Horse Named Cold Air. Will pick at banjo strings to play creepy tune at campfire, with strange southern warble in his voice howling the 'ooh's.

Abigail: I Don't Smoke. Look she knows it is unhealthy but sometimes she's just gotta romanticize those shit years with John pre-1907.

Grimshaw: Square. Dutch doesn't mean to do it but he absolutely infects anyone he's in a relationship in ever with a brain worm where they still feel themselves faulter under his gaze or attention. She didn't stay all those years just for the sake of the gang. She stayed for Dutch.

Strauss: Fireworks. He still has a lot of angst about losing his sister and family immigrating to America.

Trelawney: Pink in the Night. Bouncing through time just to kiss his wife humming strange tunes she's never heard because he's such a romantic.

Kieran: Drunk Walk Home. He likes the screaming. Had very dangerous edge in his voice when he sings you know I wore this dress for you and the gang are too afraid to ask.

Molly: Why Didn't You Stop Me? Very much about no one physically trying to stop her in Beaver Hollow when she was clearly drunk and saying shit just to get Dutch's attention.

Jenny: Townie. She holds onto a lot of anger over being abandoned by her parents as a teen, dances like a wild spirit when Townie plays and is utterly entrancing.

Annabelle: I Guess. It was her early timewarp anthem when she was coping with finding out Dutch turned so evil and became everything they both hated while she held onto the ideals he inspired in her. It is simply her song.

Bessie: I Will. Heavily based on her efforts to keep Hosea with her when he has his moments of hating getting old, self-loathing, or the itch to do outlaw activities. And when she thinks about him leaving in canon era to continue being an outlaw while they were married.

Jack: I Don't Like My Mind. Word for word was written for him. Might be awkward being around the gang being so much older he doesn't remember a lot of them clearly but would rather have that awkwardness than be alone with his thoughts.

Isaac: Last Words of a Shooting Star. He's got a lot of feelings about death and relates to wanting that relief of knowing when he's doing to die.

Eliza: Old Friend. Both her modern era friends and some members of the gang do not understand how her and Arthur can be just friends when they have a child together so when they want to hang out as friends it is very secretive which makes it feel even more obnoxiously like an affair. Charles always knows because he naturally one of the few people who understands they are just friends, who both love their son, and Eliza adores Charles.

Jake Adler: Star. Makes Sadie dance with him whenever it plays which she hates (no she doesn't she loves it. If they get married again it's going to be their song).

Abigail Jr: Strawberry Blond. She can't wait to be old enough to be in love and subsequently ruined by it. (this is John's rule she's not allowed to be in love until she's at least 18)

[mayday396]

"Terra is Future Earth and Boiling Isles" AU

Codename:

Belos

Name:

Simon Wittebane

Age:

25 years old

Gender:

Male

Race:

Liberi-Sarkaz hybrid

(He has Cardinal Feathers, he does not know why as Hybrids cannot be made unless through Artificial Means, perhaps there is another way?)

Birthplace:

Kazdel

Date of Birth:

15 August

Height:

196 cm

Infection status:

Infection confirmed by Medical Examination

Appearance:

A younger but spiltting image of his ancestor Philip Wittebane, that Excluding the Yellow and Red Cardinal feathers growing around his Face and body and the Horns growing out the sides of his head.

He has the mix of Brown and Red headed hair, tied in the Exact same way of his Ancestor.He appears to have a Stern and Intimidating look but actually he is one big walking Klutz with a tendency to wake up and choose Violence if he doesn't feel well.

Personality:

Despite coming from Hunter and Willow's line, he looks alot like Philip Wittebane, he gained Willow's Kind and Bubbly Nature but that is often Hidden by his Intimidating and Stern look, so under that he is a confident, laid-back and easygoing man and often has a snarky and Sarcastic yet Gentlemanly tone.

He is quite an inquisitive man that is shown in combat to be quite apathetic and Deceptive, when asked about it, he would say, "It has always been like that", almost as if it was a Hereditary Curse of some sort.

Clinical Analysis:

Infection rate

[Cell-Originium Assimilation] 0.01%

No physical sign of Infection

[Blood Originium-Crystal Density] 0.18 u/L

One of the Lowest Rhodes Island has ever seen, in any case he seem to be quite Normal

Radiological scans showed shadowy Outlines of Internal Organs, fortunately no visible abnormalities has been found, Originium particle tests of the Circulatory System indicate Oripathy.Thus this makes him Infected.

Infection Cause

[Subject's Infection was caused by Person-to-Person Transmission, which in many Cases is a rarity]

Physical Exam:

[Physical Strength] Standard

[Mobility]Excellent

[Physical Resilience] Standard

[Tactical Acumen] Above Average

[Combat Skill] Enhanced

[Originium Arts Assimilation] ???

Archive Files:

File 1

According to him, the codename 'Belos' is a forbidden name that is never to be used in his family for some reason. But now he has taken that for himself as he has exiled out of his Family due to his infection.

File 2

He seem to go solo on certain occasions in combat, due to his strange nature in such situations, making quite a hard person to work with at times, but most Operators tend to get along with him, especially Children like Popuka or Durin.

File 3

Another Operator known as Azura, seem to be quite wary of him despite never actually interacting physically with her, he is just as Confused on why she dislikes him.

File 4

"Ah you're awake....I made some Kubba when you were sleeping, have some"

He is extremely active in the Kitchen Unit, he cooks all sort of food that many from Sargon tend to enjoy such as Kubba, Tabbouleh, Mujadara and Sambusak, those are the few dishes he can make.

Dialogue(I made so far):

"Hello There, you must be Doctor, well good to see you, I hope taking me in wasn't too much of a Burden but since I'm here let me lighten the load"

(Recruitment)

"Doctor, deploy me whenever, I can take them on with my knife"

(Talk 1)

"Hm what do you need help in?"

(Choosing as an Assistant)

"Sleep, little bird, I will care of you even through the most Violent of days"

(Idle)

Style of fighting:

He has the same Zigzag knife of his Ancestor, often using the art of Cloak and Dagger, so he is fighting like Assassin staying true to his Apathetic nature.But when unleashing his arts, he can summon Sludge from his hands and can blades from said Powers in which he can cause Rot and decay, he only use Arts when absolutely necessary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I made an Arknights x The Owl House crossover OC

This is a Crossover I don't think would EVER happen but it is cool to imagine.

I chose Kazdel as his Region and made him a Chimera because it's based off Philip's Character, who was a Puritan and a Witch Hunter then I subvert his traits to form a character.

Kazdel is known as a Nation without a Home relating to Philip even though he got back to Earth, it isn't the home he swore to return to.

Kazdel is based off the Holy Roman Empire/German Reich and the Kingdom of Israel, this is a Reference to a fan Comic I saw of Young Philip speaking German and his faith which originated from Israel.

The Region is also home to Sarkaz that are known as the Devils or Demons of Arknights, making this character a Complete Irony to Philip. As the Sarkaz are a group of people who are oppressed by the majority of Terra as Propaganda distort History on both Sarkaz and rest of the Terra's population.People call their Arts, Black Magic or Witchcraft.

Then the Liberi parts which are Cardinal Feathers which not only relate to Hunter but also Philip as he killed Flapjack.Basically Simon is all of Philip's Mistakes on Display, having Hunter's Descendant looking like the spiltting image of Philip is an extra, it's final kick of Vengeance against Hunter.

Simon is however Innocent in this context, someone that has to live with the Mistakes of others that he does not know.While he is, the way he is because of his personality, he is still in some cases, morally grey as he works as a Sarkaz Mercenary before joining Rhodes Island, I mean he has to be to even survive Terra.

If he were to Meet the real Belos, he would not hesitate to draw his Knife at him.

[whatsbehindthefacade]

A rambly headcanon/meta post under the cut about Riff because I can and because @heygutlcss , @localfandomscribe & @grazziella have inspired me TW: drug abuse, overdose, alcoholism, physical and emotional child abuse, child neglect, self-harm, suicidal ideation, blood and internalised homophobia/biphobia

~ A Background

For me, Riff’s from a Polish immigrant family. His father immigrated as a small child shortly after the First World War, his mother as a teenager. Neither the marriage nor the household were a happy one, with the two of them more likely to scream and hurt each other than show many instances of genuine affection. To be crude, fighting and fucking were the cores of their relationship. Riff was neither planned nor wanted. His full birth name is Ralph Konrad Hofman, but if you dare to call him Ralph, you’re probably going to end up getting hit. His childhood could essentially be summed up in one word: neglect. As an infant, he was regularly left alone with little response to his crying. As he got older, he suffered regular physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his parents, both of whom were heavily involved with both drugs and alcohol. At the age of seven, his father was killed when he got mixed up with the wrong crowd, and at nine years old, he found his mother dead from an overdose on the floor of their apartment. From there, he went to live with his uncle, where unfortunately the abuse did not stop. At twelve years old, he ran away from home, and was taken in by Tony’s family, where he stayed until Tony went to prison. When that happened, he made himself scarce and as of canon events is squatting in a small abandoned apartment.

~ Tony

Riff first met Tony at school when they were seven, and they fast became friends when Tony threw himself into a fight to help him. From that point on, the two were practically inseparable, with Tony helping to act as a slight control to Riff’s impulsivity, though some seemed concerned that Riff was a bad influence. As well as being best friends, Riff developed a certain sort of hero worship of Tony. As they grew, so did this. Riff is in love with Tony in his heart, though he has very heavily repressed those feelings for obvious reasons.  This boy is so far in the closet, he’s in Narnia. Tony is arguably one of the most important people in his life, and the person who’s opinion he values above all. They start the Jets at thirteen together, Tony as the leader, Riff as his second-in-command. All in all, everything is pretty good in his eyes, until Tony goes to prison. Riff is left floundering. He’s in charge of the Jets, which is not something he’d ever imagined happening, and so he steps up. With Tony gone, the Jets are the most important thing to him, they’re his family, and he can’t let them down. There’s a part of him that definitely expects Tony to just take back over when he gets out, so when that doesn’t happen, it does throw him a little and starts that little bit of a divide between them.

~ Graziella

First thing I want to make clear in this is that Riff does love Graziella, just like he loves Tony. He’s had a crush on her for a bit, but keeps his distance before Tony goes to prison, because that’s Tony’s girl, and it’s not his place. Then the two of them break up and Tony goes to prison, and there’s a certain bond there in being two people who care so deeply about Tony who are now left with that hole in their lives. So they gravitate together, and it develops, though it does take Grazie making the first move to encourage Riff, with him not wanting to overstep. He adores her, and will quietly admit that she’s far too good for him in his opinion, but also he’s not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Riff is one of those people that, when he loves, he loves with his whole heart. Tony, Graziella, the Jets. He throws every ounce of himself into it, perhaps a little desperate in himself for that reciprocation, that feeling of having someone care for him.

~ Criminal activities

Long story short, Riff has been committing petty crimes since before he started school. Shop-lifting was one of the most common, often done to feed himself or for other things he ‘needs’. And of course, he’s been plenty involved in a wide variety of fights and vandalism.

~ Mental Health

All in all, Riff’s mental health is...not good. Not good at all. He’s, quite frankly, a mess hiding behind a façade of bravado and running his mouth. Day to day, he keeps up the act with a select few (Tony, Graziella) being allowed to see behind the curtain as it were. In the past, he has taken part in acts of physical self-harm, and has contemplated suicide on a number of occasions. By the canon period, while he very rarely physically self-harms anymore, he instead is a lot more reckless, regularly throwing himself into dangerous situations with very little regard for his own personal safety and a touch of death-seeking. He’ll do whatever he can to protect the other Jets, but has zero care for himself, and there’s a part of fighting that gives him that feeling of being alive. He doesn’t expect to live a long life. Live fast, die young.

That being said, when it comes to the rumble, and to the moment when the knives come out, Riff is terrified. There’s a part of him that knows at that point that regardless of what happens, it’s not going to end well. Death, when it comes, is a tiny hint of relief, but also a hell of a lot of fear and regret, even as he tries to focus, as always, on the people he loves.

Also to note, while Riff will drink, and will smoke weed, he steadfastly refuses to indulge in harder drugs and tries to steer the other Jets away from them too where he can. His mother’s overdose was severely traumatic for him.

[scattered-winter]

Do you have any rambling about Carmen’s relationship with the faculty while she was a kid? How she feels about it now, looking back?

anon u are FEEDING me. giving me so much enrichment rn <333

the thing that really gets me about carmen and the faculty is that they were her family. she was with them since she was a baby. they were all she knew. coach brunt in particular was the closest thing she had to a mother, and I loooooove thinking about how that upbringing affects carmen later especially since she's not only at odds with the faculty, but she's actively their most bitter enemy. it's a little unclear on how close she was with the rest of the faculty; we know her relationship with shadowsan was pretty strained growing up, but it's not really touched on how she was with the others. given cleo's general dislike of children, I'd imagine they weren't each other's biggest fans, and maelstrom doesn't strike me as a big kid person either. I think bellum was like. on alright terms ig. like I feel like she would let tiny carmen sit in her workshop while she tinkered, but wouldn't like her staying super long because bellum is kinda reclusive and wouldn't like her space being invaded for too long. but brunt.

for all her faults I think coach brunt really did love carmen like a daughter. she protected her, raised her, and taught her. and then carmen betrayed them all, and coach brunt became carmen's most dangerous and vengeful enemy. and that's the clincher, because for carmen, it's like having her own mother constantly try to kill her. yes she'd accepted that she was now vile's enemy, but god that doesn't mean she had to like it. I especially love to think about carmen's mental/emotional state after facing brunt that one time and nearly dying. her mother figure nearly crushed her to death and she barely escaped with her life. you can't tell me carmen doesn't have any residual trauma after that.

all in all I think carmen has accepted her role as vile's biggest enemy, and for the most part she's accepted that she's fighting against the only family she'd ever known (until zack and ivy came along ofc). but I also think there's some grief processing there, too. if you think about it, most of the operatives she meets in the field are old friends. she was at the academy her entire life. every single batch of graduates for the last 15 years or so are people she knew and lived with for months, people she would remember (assuming that she only remembered those people after around the age of 5 for easy figuring). so even if she wasn't brawling with coach brunt or crackle, two of the vile members she's arguably closest with, she was still fighting people she knew. and I think there's a lot of left-over grief there because she was literally fighting everyone from her old life.

I just......have so many thoughts about that because I can easily draw some connections to things myself and others have experienced. being trans, for example. my family and friends aren't outrightly against it, but I still feel like I have to try twice as hard just to be accepted as a human being. it definitely feels like I'm fighting my family and friends sometimes, so to see a character onscreen physically fighting everyone she grew up with.....yeah. and I'm sure trans allegories aren't the only ones that could be pulled from that! it's about changing so much that you can no longer fit within the ideals of the people who raised you and shaped you, and they can't accept that so in order to survive you have to fight them with everything you have

[kpopomegaverse]

Hi!! I just read your DC imagine where the reader was the only omega in the dorm (which was great btw❤️) I was wondering if you could do one where the reader is the only alpha in the dorm?

A/n SOOOOO i changed it because of logistical reasons. I dont think an alpha is capable of of sating 7 omegas not even in a spread out amount of time. Plus the longer the omegas wait it would be painful. I just feel like it would cause the alpha ALOT of pain. Physically from too much sexual activity and emotional from seeing the other omegas hurt while they help out the omega there with at that moment. HOWEVER, i came up with a mixed pack idea including every dynamic so hopefully that helps? Enjoy ig!

DREAMCATCHER Pack Au (?)

Pack Roles;

(Alpha) Jiu; Pack leader - Pack leaders are at the top of the chain of command of their pack. Every pack has one. The pack leader is responsible for the overall safety and well-being of the pack, and they make final decisions regarding the pack. Pack leaders do not have to be alphas; they can be omegas and betas as well.

(Alpha) You; Right Hand #1 - The leader’s right hand is the member of the pack the leader trusts the most. Should something happen to the pack leader, the right hand would take over. Right hands also assist in strategic decisions for the pack. In modern days, this ranges from finances, to the pack’s pups’ education, to living situations. A pack may have more than one right hand.

(Omega) Sua; Pack Mom - The mother figure for the entire pack. The pack may go to this individual for guidance, emotional comfort, and protection. Pack mothers are heavily involved in every day life to keep the pack running smoothly. In larger packs, pack mothers are extremely valuable.

(Omega) Siyeon; Left Hand - The pack leader’s left hand is involved in physical protection.

(Beta) Handong; Peace Keeper - Peace keepers do exactly as their name implies: they settle arguments in the pack before it reaches the pack leader.

(Omega) Yoohyeon; Right Hand #2 - The leader’s right hand is the member of the pack the leader trusts the most. Should something happen to the pack leader, the right hand would take over. Right hands also assist in strategic decisions for the pack. In modern days, this ranges from finances, to the pack’s pups’ education, to living situations. A pack may have more than one right hand.

(Beta) Dami; Peace Keeper - Peace keepers do exactly as their name implies: they settle arguments in the pack before it reaches the pack leader.

(Beta) Gahyeon; Caretaker - Caretakers work under the pack mother to take care of the pack. Caretakers are involved with meals, cleaning, socialization of the pack, and managing the pups. In some packs, it is common for pack members that have recently aged out of the “pup” role to become caretakers so the pack mother can teach them how to take care of a pack, whether they stay in their current pack or leave for a different one.

Pack Members scents;

Alpha Jiu - Cinnamon or Mixed Spice

Alpha You - Pick one ;)

Omega Sua - Fresh Linen or Ironed Laundry

Omega Siyeon - Lavender

Beta Handong - Fresh / Morning Rain

Omega Yoohyeon - Forest or Pine

Beta Dami - Old Books or Fresh Ink

Beta Gahyeon - Toasted Marshmallows or Chocolate

Handling the girls in heat;

Sua

- Hardest to sate.

- needs to be knotted at least 3-4 times

- needy before her heat

- clingy af during

- drags you or jiu to her room and doesnt let u leave until shes no longer aching for an alpha

- LOUD AF MOANS

- claws into your back

- sucks on your neck the WHOLE time your knotted

- probably grinds into your knot

- constant begging to be breed.

Siyeon

- The calmest of the 2

- kinda a massive squirter

- fuck her into the mattress and rub her clit

- squirts almost instantly

- knot her and keep playing with her clit and her tits and she starts shaking

- begs for anything you’ll give her

- falls against u after sex

Yoohyeon

- SUBBY AF

- “breed me, breed me, breed me”

- the BIGGEST cum slut

- sated with one knot but loves to be filled

- often enjoys being tag teamed by u and jiu

- “fuck me, take me, fill me with ur fucking knots”

- breathy whines and gaspy moans

- god if u cum in her a few times before knotting her

- GOD she loves it

- seeing the bulge of ur cock and cum

- ugh

Bonding with the Betas;

- betas are usually ignored or seen as lesser than so the betas would be wary if a pack with so many omegas and alphas

- they’d often feel left out or unwanted if u didn’t make the same effort as u do with the omegas.

- sex is also a harder subject due to size difference and not knotting them

- they feel shy n scared about getting a litter from you since they could miscarry and it’s physically tasking

Handong

- enjoys quiet time

- watching tv with her or reading

- cuddles + reading sessions are a MUST

- make sure to let her sit on ur lap if she wants too

- she wont ever ask again if u show signs of getting annoyed at her

- v worried to get things wrong and shy about affection

- move carefully and slowly with her and url be fine :)

- once ur bonded n close the softest babie

- nuzzles into u

- when shes stressed the room fills with her scent and usually pulling her inti your arms and rubbing her back will help.

Dami

- shes also quite an introverted and shy person

- doesn’t initiate physical contact

- LOVES if u read to her

- esp it shes sleepy

- play with her hair

- she will do the exact same and read to u while your heads in her lap

- take her to quiet cafés and librarys

- soft back hugs

- once she’s comfy she initiates things sometimes

- you can always tell if shes horny cause her scent goes wild

- gets embarrassed by it but u find it SO CUTE

Gahyeon

- shy clingy baby

- give her hugs and kisses

- feels less deserving of attention than the omegas

- so makes sure she knows shes just as deserving

- pamper her as much as possible

- make a show of affection for her infront of the others

- it’ll make her shy and blushy

- BUT

- Makes her feel so loved and wanted

- hides in your neck and chest whining

Jius Rut;

Jiu

- who she goes to depends on her mood

- if she wants to have her ass filled while she covers someone in cum

- she goes to u and rides the f outta u

- then knots ur ass

- if shes feeling like knotting lots of times

- she will fuck the shit out of sua

- like wise if she wants relaxed sex she can go to the other omegas

- usually just gets the betas to suck her off sometimes

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Day 125: Accidental Bonding (Part One)

When Harry woke up, his head was pounding and his heart was racing, he thought he might vomit. He staggered over to the floo to firecall in to work.

Robards answered, "Junior Auror Potter, good morning."

"Hello, sir," he said before his stomach heaved and he had to turn away and take a few deep breaths to steady himself. "I need to call in sick, sir. I think I've got a virus."

"What are your symptoms?" he asked curiously.

"Really bad headache, it feels like my eyes are going to pop out of my head; elevated pulse; and nausea."

His brow furrowed, "Who was your training partner yesterday?"

"Malfoy, sir," he said, his gut twisting uncomfortably.

"Where did you go?"

"Excuse me-" he broke off and held up a hand, turning away from the fireplace to try to get his bearings as his stomach tried to eject itself through his esophagus. After a moment he turned back, "We were sent to that old antique shop, sir," he said as quickly as he could manage.

"You're going to need to go to St. Mungo's."

"I don't-"

"That's not a request, Potter. Go there now and I'll be sending Junior Auror Malfoy right along."

"But-" Harry started.

"No buts, Malfoy called in with the same symptoms and I'm not taking any chances," and without another word he ended their connection.

With a sigh and one more longing look at his bed, Harry headed to St. Mungos.

(Read more below the cut)

They ended up putting Malfoy in the same room as him since they were there at the Ministry's behest and with the same symptoms. Harry tried not to look at him, imagining that getting irritated would only worsen his ever growing headache. Malfoy must have felt the same because he was less annoying that usual.

Healer Kenner, a stern looking woman who reminded Harry very much of Professor McGonagall, ran diagnostic test after diagnostic test and then finally said, "Well, you're bonded."

"What?" Harry yelped.

Malfoy groaned, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"Language, Auror Malfoy," she tsked.

"Apologies."

With a short nod, she continued, "The good news is that most of your discomfort can be alleviate by simple physical contact."

"And the bad news?" Harry asked wryly.

"There's nothing we can do to break the bond."

"What?" Malfoy spat.

"Surely, there's something-" Harry started.

She shook her head, "I'm afraid not. But it's not permanent," Healer Kenner added. "It'll only last a month."

"A month?!" Harry asked incredulously.

"Well it's certainly better than forever," Malfoy snarked, rubbing his hands over his face.

Harry wondered if Malfoy's head hurt as much as his did. He certainly hoped so.

But before he could say anything, Healer Kenner raised her wand and cast a spell the dragged their beds across the floor to the other. "Hold hands," she instructed.

He crossed his arms over his chest and Malfoy let out a pitiful groan.

"The sooner you do it, the sooner you'll start to feel better," she chided. "Just be glad that this particular bond only wants prolonged physical contact."

Harry shuddered, he'd heard the stories about some of the more archaic bonds.

"Oh, for Circe's sake," Malfoy grumbled as he reached across the space between them and clasped Harry's forearm in his hand.

A sense of relief hit immediately, Harry groaned as a weight lifted off his chest and the headache started receding.

"It will be faster if you both actively participate."

At this point, as the waves of relief were rolling through him, Harry was willing to do anything. He flipped over his hand, offering it to Malfoy.

The other man slid his hand down Harry's arm, as though he was afraid to break contact with him, and clasped Harry's hand in his.

She was right, his world seemed to right itself as they sat there holding hands and he let his head drop back against the bed as he took full, deep breaths for what felt like the first time in ages.

"How long do we have before it starts to feel like that again?" Malfoy asked, which Harry could admit was a good question.

She hummed, "I'd say two hours maximum before the discomfort starts affecting the way you function." After a short pause, Healer Kenner added, "You're going to probably want to spend nights together."

"Can't we just see each other in the morning?" Malfoy asked.

And Harry couldn't help but agree, "This wasn't that bad," he added. "And now that we know-"

She shook her head, "Now that your bodies are acknowledging the bond, the effects will set in quicker."

"Great," Harry grumbled. "Just bloody fantastic."

This day just kept going from bad to worse. He had no idea how he was going to tell everyone that he had an accidental bonding with Draco sodding Malfoy.

----------------

They argued about whose house to stay in overnight and finally decided to flip a coin for it. Draco won.

And that was how Harry found himself standing with a duffel bag outside of a surprisingly cute little house, knocking and waiting to be let in.

"Potter," Malfoy greeted as he opened the door to let him in.

And Harry wondered if he was feeling the bond tugging at his skin, too, if the bond was making his gut clench and making him feel irritable and like there was something crawling under his skin. "Can I-?" he started through gritted teeth, reaching a hand toward Malfoy but stopping a few inches away.

Malfoy nodded and closed the distance between them.

The moment he touched the other man his body sagged with relief, swaying back against the doorway.

After a moment, Malfoy released his hand and gestured toward the rest of his house, "Come in," he said. "It's nothing fancy," Malfoy said, "But it's home and it's not something that my family owned."

Harry wasn't quite sure what to make of that statement, so he just focused on looking around the house as Malfoy gave him the tour. Malfoy was right, it wasn't anything fancy but it was surprisingly cozy. It was nothing like Harry had expected; he'd imagined black leather and green decor, dark and broody. But the house was the opposite, the closest anything got to Slytherin green was the sea form green accents in the bathroom. "You have a nice house," Harry said.

"You needn't sound surprised," Malfoy said with a sniff, "I have excellent taste," he added as he opened the door to the bedroom.

The bedroom had pale blue walls and cream bedding, the dresser and wardrobe were both a dark wood that Harry couldn't identify. All in all, it was a nice room, very relaxing.

"You can use this drawer," Malfoy said, flicking his wand at the second drawer to open it, "And I cleared a space for you in the closet."

"Err, thanks," Harry said.

He rolled his eyes, "Don't mention it. I know it's hard for you to believe but I can actually be considerate when the mood strikes."

Before Harry could reply, Malfoy left the room, calling over his shoulder, "I'm making salmon and rice for dinner. If you don't like it you can make something for yourself."

This wasn't quite what he'd expected, Malfoy wasn't quite what he expected, he thought as he put his clothes away. Maybe Malfoy wasn't who Harry thought he was.

------------

Nope. Malfoy was precisely who Harry thought he was. The two of them had spent the entire night arguing about literally everything: about using coasters (when they were wizards and removing water stains was no big deal), about which clothes Harry should have hung or left folded, about the proper way to do the dishes, about their friends and the kind of people they were, and dozens of other things that made Harry want to tear his hair out.

They were still bickering when they went to bed because Malfoy had the nerve to critique the way Harry brushed his teeth and to demand that Harry wash his face before he get into bed.

"I'm not letting the oil in your skin damage my pillowcases!"

"My skin doesn't damage pillowcases," Harry snapped. "I have pillowcases too, you know, and none of them have oil stains."

"Potter wash your fucking face or I am covering your pillow with a paper bag," Malfoy threatened. "It's not a fucking hard request. It will take you literally two minutes."

"Fine!" Harry shouted, throwing his hands in the air and returning to the bathroom.

When he came out, Malfoy was already on the left side of the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard, reading a book. "Was that so hard?" he drawled.

"Oh fuck off," Harry grumbled as took off his glasses and he threw himself down on the right side of the bed, punching a pillow for the sheer pleasure of punching something.

"You're such a bloody neanderthal," Malfoy grumbled without looking up at Harry.

"Shut up!" Harry finally erupted. "For Merlin's sake just shut up and I will, too."

Malfoy glanced over at him, looking unperturbed which honestly made Harry even more frustrated.

"It's going to take me ages to fall asleep because I'm so fucking irritated."

After a moment, Malfoy reached over and put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "It's the bond," he said quietly. "We're not touching often enough and it's making us lash out."

"I don't think we need any help in that department," Harry grumbled but he could admit that he was feeling better already.

Malfoy chuckled, "You're right about that, I suppose."

He shook his head and reached up to cover Malfoy's hand with his own and expedite the process. "This does help though," he said with a yawn.

The other man hummed, "I think we should agree now that whenever either of us wakes up over night that we'll reach out and touch the other so we can get as much sleep as possible."

Through a yawn Harry murmured, "Sounds reasonable." He closed his eyes, surprised at how tired he was feeling all of the sudden. "Merlin, I'm knackered."

"Do you mind if I leave the light on to read for a while?" Malfoy asked.

He opened one eye to look at Malfoy's blurry face, "That's nice of you to ask," he said. "I don't mind."

"Are you certain?"

He nodded. "Night."

"Good night," Malfoy replied, going back to his book but leaving his hand on Harry's shoulder.

Harry drifted off, asleep in minutes.

------------

When Harry woke up again, the sun was peaking in through the curtains and he felt fantastic. He blinked open his eyes and realized that at some point during the night he and Malfoy had shifted, drifting until Harry's front was pressed tight against Malfoy's back, his body curled around the other man's.

He really ought to move.

But he was just so comfortable and his body was warm and loose and he just couldn't bring himself to move away.

It wasn't long before Malfoy started to shift, waking up slowly and Harry panicked. He did the only thing that he could think of and feigned sleep.

Malfoy arched and stretched, pressing his body back against Harry's for a long, delicious moment before he jumped, seeming to realize what he was doing. Then he held very still like he was waiting for something and Harry wondered if he was waiting for him to say something. When Harry didn't move and continued pretending to sleep Malfoy carefully withdrew himself and climbed out of bed to head to the loo.

Harry laid there for a long moment, missing the warmth of the other man's body, missing the way they'd seemed to fit together already.

Just the bond, he assured himself. This was all just the bond.

Right?

-----------------

Ahhh friends, I'm sorry. I hate to leave you like this but this one's going to need a part two. This girl is exhausted and this fic(let) is taking way longer than anticipated to write. I'll get part two written and posted tomorrow. <3 Lots of love, C

Part 2

Day 124: Joke | Day 126: Arranged Marriage

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: April 13th, 2021

And we’re back again with more replies so soon, haha. Thank you for the asks!

Your game literally saved me this hell ass year. Thank you so much for the most perfect piece of art I've ever laid eyes on 😫 ... Do you guys have a rough idea when step 3 DLC will be released? I hope I'm not coming off as rude. I just really really love your game.

I’m sorry for the late reply on this! You might’ve already seen the answer by now, but the Step 3 DLC is coming out on the 16th. We’re almost there :D

This may be a silly question but did Jeremy's parents ever find out that Pran had lied about his age and if so, when/how? :3

Pran came clean to them after a couple of years, when he felt secure enough that it wouldn’t ruin the relationship. The Kings were a little embarrassed, the dad more than the mom, but they’re quite good at brushing past those kind of mistakes so it was all water under the bridge pretty fast.

hi! i know you’ve answered a question about alterations in the our life moments by playing them in different orders, but i was wondering if there was a canon order that the moments for each step happen in? i figure with such a customizable game the “canon” timeline for the moments is whatever order the player completes them in, for example in step 1, i like playing the runaway moment pretty early, since cove trying to run away early in summer makes more sense to me personally. thanks!

Yeah, there’s no canon order we’d insist on. Whatever you like can be the official route for you! And that’s a neat way to look at that event.

What if your character isn’t that into physical contact but still wants to be in a relationship with Cove? Would he be offended if you shy away or something along those lines?

He wouldn’t be. Cove knows how hard that can be and is very understanding. If you set his initiative to low, the game always checks to make sure if you want to be touched or not rather than assuming that you do. And if you do choose that you don’t want to, there’s no stress or drama about it. Cove will just say that’s okay!

Hellu! First off, I want to thank you all for such a wonderful game, it's been the best feel-good game I've ever stumbled upon and I can't express enough how much it has meant to me. Second, I've seen lots of people having trouble with making Cove confess before MC which makes me wonder if people will have the same problem in the dlc when you can propose to him. Is it possible to post a guide for that as well when it no longer could count as a spoiler? Again, thanks for such a beautiful game <3

I’m really happy you had such a nice time with it c:. We’ll answer questions about it on tumblr/in the discord if they come up and, if need be, we’ll find somewhere to upload a guide.

Do we get steam key from buying dlc on itch io?

I’m afraid not. That’d be unfair to those who get it on Steam. Plus, Steam isn’t super cool with giving out thousands of keys to be handed out for free on other sites anymore. They can refuse to give us the keys if they feel we’re trying to take advantage of their system.

hi! so if we reject cove's confession in step 3, can we still have MC and cove get together in step 4?

You can confess to him, yeah. But Cove won’t ever try confessing again if the MC turns him down in Step 3.

What if MC acts like someone Cove doesn't like, like Lizzie or Baxter lol

You can’t do what Lizzie or Baxter does to make Cove dislike them. You can play the game and try, but it doesn’t work out. The MC is just too compatible with Cove if you’re fond/crush/love, haha.

Hi! I absolutely love your game, I love the characters they’re all so amazing, thank you for the game haha

I was wondering if you would get the NSFW DLC no matter what Patreon level you were at, or if you would could get it at any level? :)

&

What pateron tier do we need to get the 18+ content for Our Life? It's my new favourite game, keep up the good work!

It will eventually be available at the $5 tier and anything above that! Glad you both like OL ^^

On a scale from 1 (being the worst) to 10, how well do the XOXO jerk squad including JB handle horror?

JB: 8

Everett: 5

Nate: 4

Shiloh: 10

Bae: 10

Jeremy: 8 for non-gore horror, 2 for gory horror

Pran: 9

hello!! i was wondering if any of the boys from the Jerksquad would ever wear a skirt/dress?

None of them wear skirts/dresses out of personal preference. But if there was some kind of reason where they had to do it, none would be that bothered.

How does the jerk squad feel about Christmas? 

Everett: He fucking loves it. That’s the best time of year.

Nate: Commercialized nonsense.

Shiloh: It’s wonderful! So he claims.

Bae: He likes it quite a bit, but only for the joy it brings children/family. He thinks that’s sweet but is too mature to be whipped up into a festive fervor himself.

Jeremy: It’s awful.

Pran: He hates it.

does cove have any pet allergies? yes I know this is a little weirdly specific

He doesn’t! The lucky boy isn’t allergic to any animal.

Very important question: Would Lee and a musical-theatre loving MC run around belting Into The Unknown from Frozen 2? Because I feel that they would 

Probably, haha.

This might seem like a dumb question, so I’m sorry, but with the Derek DLC are we gonna get to hang out with him in person instead of just calling him in step 3? 

The Derek DLC adds events in Step 2 and Step 4. It’s part of his story that you don’t really get to be around him in Step 3. But you don’t need to apologize for wondering!

hello! i'd like to ask if it's possible to play the android version of the game with the dlcs after buying the dlcs from steam. i wasn't expecting my android version to have my dlcs since i bought them from steam, but it had my step 2 dlc for some reason. is this a glitch or does the apk actually detect what dlcs you already have on your pc? if so, how come i don't have the step 1 dlc appearing on android? thanks!

That is some kind of glitch. It isn’t possible for the Android DLCs to be unlocked by having them on PC. Maybe in one of the old builds we accidentally didn’t lock the Step 2 DLC properly. Sorry for the confusion!

Does Derek and Baxter have canon sexualities? Will Derek still flirts with the MC regardless of their gender?

They’re both pansexual and can like the MC regardless of what gender they have.

I was wondering if Miranda had a crush on Cove in Step 3? I'm not sure why, but I got those vibes from her?

She thinks of him only as a friend. Cove isn’t her type, haha.

This is probably a dumb hope, but I hope Cliff find someone he loves after Cove is grown up and everything. Or at the very least he has someone he's very close with after Cove leaves. 

That’s a really sweet thought to have. Cliff stays single, but he’s graysexual and not-particularly romantically inclined. He only dated when he was really young ‘cause that’s what everyone did. Family and friend relationships are more important to him, and he has plenty of that in his life ^^.

Heya! I was curious if there might be a nickname system in N&F? I kind of pull an Elizabeth when I play and choose a different variation of a name like having Rosie in step one and changing it to Rose in step two, then maybe Rosetta in step three for example, but it also feels a little bit odd being scolded using my nickname hehe. That's all I was wondering about, thank you for your time and the wonderful games!

We are hoping to include the option to go by a nickname in Our Life: Now & Forever. But nothing has been programmed yet, so we can’t 100% guarantee it, haha.

Just curious, what would Liz's and Cove's relationship be if MC wasn't around? I feel like they wouldn't get along as well as they do now, especially during the first and second step 

They’d definitely have a lot of friction growing up and they’d likely avoid each other as much as possible. Once they were both older, I imagine they’d be decent neighbor acquaintances. But they still wouldn’t be nearly as close as they are with the MC bringing Cove into things.

What do the customizable eyes look like in the game? Do they look as they are in the creating avatar section? Or do they look different when actually playing the game?

That’s up to you! The doll is just meant to be a general idea. You can apply it to your imagined MC as much or as little as you prefer.

Did Cove go through a "phase" during his adolescence? I don't really wanna headcanon it so I wonder if there's anything (cringy) canon since we missed out on the ages of 14-17 hahaha

Not really, aha. 14-17 Cove is pretty recognizable to his 13 and 18 year old self.

Hello! I'm sorry to bother you, especially with all the messages you get. I was just wondering if the religious wedding venue was exclusive to a church or if there will be different religions of weddings? Also, I love this VN so much, it's so well written and every character is so amazing, thank you for making such a beautiful game.

The church is treated as a historic building rather than anything actively religious, but it’s not the only option like that. There’s a historic synagogue and stuff too! And that’s really nice of you to say <3.

How differently would it play out If MC told their moms about the 20$ deal back when it happened? 

They wouldn’t have been happy and would’ve been far more skeptical of Cliff, aha. But they wouldn’t want to keep Cove away from the MC, so it wouldn’t have been too different in the long run.  

Hello may I ask what Cove's favorite fudge/ice cream flavor would be? Its alright if its not answered 

He appreciates them all, but his top favorites would be the fruit flavored ones and the ones with nuts.

Hi! I really wanted to make mc's house in a game and tried really hard to figure out the floor plan, but I wondered if you have the floor plan of the mc's house so that i can try again with more accuracy?

Thank you a lot for this game, i loved it a lot! (my first play took me 8 hours lol)

I’m really sorry, we don’t have anything like that. But at least you can headcanon that what you did is correct and nothing can prove it wrong, haha.

Hello,I recently started playing lake of voices (I put it off for a long while since I’m usually not very good with horror) and I’m really happy I did!I’m a big fan of your games in general and lake of voices was absolutely great as well.I loved the characters and the dark setting of it,I adored the beautiful art and music and the story was great too,sometimes unsettling and sometimes very sweet.My favorite Route in the game was definitely Lu,I liked his character and was really shocked and distraught by his Route at least two times.I didn’t see the plot twist(s) coming at all!

Besides these ramblings I’ve also wanted to ask if you still remember how to get the lower two CGs on page 5?I seem to always miss them and would appreciate any help.Anyways I hope I wasn’t too much of a bother and I wish the devs a great day!:)

Thank you for all the kind words <3. You get those DLCs by going through the end of the Guide’s character path. You can use the guides on Steam to help you find it/reach the end!

—– —– —– —–

Thank you again for all of these questions :D

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[blooming-marylii]

So I've been thinking about undertale and the fallen kids and suddenly felt the urge to tell everyone my headcanons about them

(also my apologies for all the mistakes bc English is hard when it's not your native language)

cw: referenced child death, suicide

OK let's go

Cyan soul was the youngest. Somewhere around 5-6 years old. You might be horrified right now because the kids climbed Mount Ebott due to unhappy reasons, right? I don't think it's the case with this kid!! I actually think she had a good life and caring parents and all that. So why did she end up Underground? Because her parents didn't believe in the stories about missing people and used to camp a lot there. Because fresh air and physical activities are good for you health, plus sometimes you need to take a break from lots of people around you, and is there a better place for that than the mountain everybody avoids? Long story short, they had taken their daughter with them, and she had wandered away at some point, and... well, those people didn't have a daughter anymore🤷‍♀️ Oops. Watch your kids more carefully.

OK, now let's talk about the child. She seemed like a shy kid around strangers but as soon as she gets comfortable around you, you are forced to answer every single one of her 1001 questions and talk about (or just listen to her talking about) every single topic that comes to her mind. Because she is very - and I mean VERY - talkative. And curious, and likes to learn new things

Aaand I'm talking about someone who's gone in a present tense, oops

And about being gone. I think she's the only one who didn't make it to Asgore. Other kids had to fight him but the Cyan soul? Nope, she just... froze to death in Snowdin. She was hiding from the Royal Guards, and her clothes weren't suitable for the weather, and at some point she'd fallen asleep and that was it. At least there wasn't much suffering.

And actually I'm kinda happy for Asgore because he didn't have to kill her... I mean, yeah, he had killed other children later but she was still 5y.o. and the first one who had fallen after Chara. Imagine the amount of angst if Asgore had met her.

Moving on to the Orange soul (yep, I wrote that in red). He was transmasc. I'm not sure if he was a boy or nb in the masculine part of the spectrum but yeah (I remembered the Manly Bandana the other day and was like "oh. What if the narrator calls it manly because of it's original owner's gender struggles?")

So this kid was around 12 years old when he fell, and he'd stayed in the Ruins for about two years (which is a bit angsty since I headcanon Chara to had fallen at the same age and had lived with the Dreemurrs for the same amount of time). Now, he was noble and caring, eager to protect those who need protection, but didn't like to fight unless absolutely necessary. This guy believed it is better to talk to your opponent, reach an agreement with them. Buuut he was a hot-headed kid and not very good with words so his reasoning didn't work often. But he tried very hard!! And he became better at it eventually!!

The next soul is the Blue soul (why does tumblr's blue look like violet?). She was straightforward and always spoke her mind (which sometimes sounded rude, and she knew it did), appeared as strict, and didn't like to talk about her feelings. But if you managed to gain her trust, half of that demeanor would fade, and you'll see a kind girl who just needs lots of love and support. And when that happens, she'll open up more about her feelings, and she'll choose her words more carefully so not to upset you. But she'll still be straightforward and honest.

Unlike the previous guy, she will fight whoever attacks her. Monsters tried to take her soul? Well, she fought back. She didn't want to kill anyone, ever though they wanted to kill her, but sometimes what we want and what we end up doing are different things. This is the reason the tutu was dusty. And this is the reason the narrator says the balet shoes make Frisk feel extremely dangerous.

I can elaborate, actually. You see, I consider the narra-Chara theory solid canon. And I headcanon Frisk is not the first with whom Chara sticked together. All the kids had fallen on their grave, so with all of them Chara was connected. They weren't really 'awake' at the time because there wasn't enough determination to bring them back, but they sensed the other kids' emotions and feeling. So when Frisk had found the balet shoes, it was Chara who'd felt dangerous since they half-remembered what they were used for. And they'd projected their feelings onto Frisk. It wouldn't be the last time they did that

Oh, and a bit about the blue soul's pronouns! When I first thought about it, I instantly was like "okay she's definitely cis" but then I occasionally referred to her with they/them pronouns in my head a few times but that original thought hadn't gone anywhere. So now this soul's pronouns are she/they even though she's cis. She/her is more preferable most of the time, but there is no problem with people using they/them, the kid even rarely refers with these pronouns to themself in their head

(yep, I just projected my experience onto a dead fictional kid in that last paragraph. not the first time it happens in this fandom but the kid I usually project onto at least has enough canon info about him and is basically my kinn)

(also I really hope the wording in that paragraph about pronouns (or in any other, really) wasn't disrespectful to trans and nb folks. that wasn't my intention. please tell me if there is any problem, I'll fix it)

Oh, and this soul was 15 when she fell.

Ahem, okay, moving on to the Purple soul (yep, I wrote that in pink). They are Extremely Non-Binary, Extremely Androgynous and Extremely Mysterious. Well, they seem mysterious. Despite experiencing A LOT of emotions, they display them very rarely. It's not that they don't want to, it's just the way they are. It is much more likely for you to see them smirk a little rather than laughing, or looking a bit mumpish (I hope it is the correct word) instead of crying.

Unless they are in the company of close friends, they are mostly silent. But they are observant, they remember a lot of things about the world and people they've met. They are smart and good at understanding others (high cognitive empathy rules!!), could find common ground with almost everybody and really like children. In another timeline, I'd imagine them being an elementary school teacher. Maybe not for long though, since they are introverted and that would quickly tire them but still

Uhh, I think I didn't give the best description of them but I can't word it any better. What I meant to say is that they are calm, and understanding (both in a "you can tell me everything, I won't judge" way and in a "I fully understand your feelings" way), and you often can't tell what's on their mind. At least you can be certain there's nothing bad.

But this is the case when we are talking about this person in a company of people they don't know very well and/or those who they don't absolutely, completely trust. If we're talking about close friends, the Purple soul is more energetic and expressive, they are more willing to discuss different things. I'm bad with words again so I'll just say this side of them reminds me of Raine from toh a lot. Now I'm going to make it the soul's name.

And a bit more about close people. The Purple soul sometimes refers to themself by he/him pronouns but no one else is allowed to do that. Long ago, there were a couple of people who could but something happened - maybe a betrayal (maybe they'd climbed the mountain after that), or they just stopped talking to each other for some not so hurtful reason - and now this person isn't close enough with enyone who they trust to such extent to feel comfortable when they refer to them by those pronouns

(okay, THAT definitely was worded badly, wasn't it?)

Oh, and the purple soul is the oldest of all the fallen children. They aren't even a child, they are about 17-19 years old. Originally I thought they were 17 but now it feels like they might be a bit older. You know, I headcanon all the kids to be able to communicate with each other even when they are just souls in jars, and they see Raine as their older sibling now🥺

And oh my god, I'm writing about someone who's gone in a present tense again. I'll leave it like that, I'm too tired to correct anything

Two souls left, the next one is Green. He'd stayed in the Ruins the longest, for four or five years perhaps (which makes him ≈15y.o. at the time of death). This guy actually befriended almost everyone he'd met on his way, he was really similar to a pacifist-route Frisk. He could've freed everyone if he was the eighth fallen human and not the sixth

Okay so. I don't really have much to say about him, I didn't come up with a personality for this kid. But I'm absolutely positive he loved backing cinnamon buns and would've single-handedly keep Muffet's business funded if she was around at the time. Also I think this boy was very emotional and maybe even an empath? Yeah, definitely an empath, I love the thought!!

Finally!! We've reached the final soul!! The Yellow one!! Yep, I wrote that in orange!!

"Why are you so exited?" you might ask. And I'll tell you!! Because I was thinking about the personality of this person and they accidentally ended up being VERY SIMILAR to how I see Chara and I'm like AAAAAAAAAAAAAH

THE ANGSTY POSSIBILITIES OF THIS----

I'm rereading everything I've written below, and that actually doesn't sound quite as similar to Chara as I intended it to be :/ Oh well, explaining is hard, I can't do any better

Okay I calmed down. So. This soul. She's the second one whom I came up with a name for. His name is Mason.

Yep, this person is genderfluid. Most of the time she's a girl but he doesn't care which pronouns you'll use when talking about them, everything is fine

(btw I also headcanon Frisk, Chara and Kris to be genderfluid. Frisk and Chara are 'in-between' most of the time (I wanted to say nb but genderfluid is already nb so), and Kris's gender might change several times a day. how am I supposed to headcanon Kris to be dr version of Frisk with this whole gender business? well, there are bound to be some differences)

Anyway, back to Mason. She has a heightened sense of justice. She wants those who'd treated her (and others) badly to pay for what they've done but doesn't believe that's gonna happen. She did what was in her powers, what she was able to do to make the world more fair. But it wasn't enough. The world still was full of injustice. The humanity was still disgusting. Not all of the humans but most of them.

Soooo then they ended up Underground. They were a bit harsh at the beginning because monsters attacked them not knowing a thing about their intentions which felt very unfair. But they soon learned about the war and accepted the fact that monsters were just scared of a human, and that was their fight-or-flight response

Overall they were a caring person, who - just like the orange soul - wanted to protect those who needed protection. But were more eager to fight than talk.

She was sarcastic, witty, smirked a lot, never showed negative emotions except for rage. Because she had A LOT of it. Part of it grew from the world's injustice, and part from bottling up emotions. But she got mad mostly when witnessing said injustice, most of the time she was calm (or seemed calm)

And after he'd left the Ruins (I imagine Mason was one of the few who'd fought Toriel, most of the kids had managed to sneak out unnoticed), he had been thinking... a lot. So there was this Barrier thing which required human souls to break. Why not wait for humans to die of natural causes, why the killing? On one hand, Mason wanted the monsters to be free (honestly, from his experience, humanity sucks) so he could have surrendered and given up his soul for the greater good. On the other hand, it pained and angered him the [almost] entire kingdom thought of him as some villain and wanted him dead at all costs. You know, if he'd known the humans before him were children and teenagers as well, he wouldn't have thought for much longer and tried to kill the Guards and Asgore

But they didn’t know that. What they did learn, however, is the story of Asriel and Chara. After hearing what had happened to those kids, Mason decided to give their soul to monsters

And than a very interesting thing happened. You see, just like Frisk, Mason heard the story in New Home, and there weren't any Guards around to kill her. So she faced Asgore. She thought the king would be this big bad guy Toriel described, but he instead was a man who clearly didn't want to kill anyone

You know what happens in a neutral run when you refuse to kill Asgore and Flowey doesn't show up to do that instead? Asgor kills himself to give Frisk his soul so they can cross the Barrier. With Mason it happened the other way around. She saw Asgore, she understood it would be too much for him to kill yet another human. So she killed herself

(Poor King Fluffybunns had to witness yet another very determined 14-year-old committing suicide for monsters' sake. Yep, I headcanon Mason had had about the same amount of determination as Chara and Frisk. Yep, I am convinced Asgore eventually figured out Chara poisoned themself and not just got ill because of any other reason)

Weeeeell

That was it? I hope someone would read all this stuff because I spent like 5+ hours writing it

Edit: PLEASE check the reblogs, there's a drawing of the kids there. THEY ARE SO COOL I LOVE THEMMMM

[shtern-and-art]

I have more questions because it's no longer 4am lmao.

Does Skeppy fear any animals? I just wanna know if there's any sweet moments of Skeppy clinging to Bad whilst he tries to calm him down.

I'm guessing Bad still hates things like littering and woodcutters but would he ever act particularly strongly about it or would he have more control?

I like how Rat seems to tolerate Skeppy because Bad likes him but would she ever get jealous if Skeppy started pettting another dog?

I have a horrifying image of Bad just spider climbing up a tree to fetch Skeppy. I don't know why but I feel like dude wouldn't even need branches lmao.

What other supernatural creatures/people do they come across? Were there any that were especially dangerous and did they befriend any?

Is Bad much physically stronger than Skeppy? I keep thinking of Skeppy being a little shaz and Bad just one-arm picking him up and slinging him over his shoulder XD.

Does Bad ever get nightmares of the day he became the forest spirit?

How far would Skeppy take stealing? Would he steal something he knows the owner has genuine attachment to? Would he do everything in his power to steal something for Bad even if it means getting hurt?

Who's more likely to protect the other?

Skeppy just minding his business looking at one of Bad's textbooks, turns his head and Bad's just having a tea party with a freaking bear. Surprised the man hasn't had a heart attack yet XD.

What's your favourite thing to imagine them doing?

Is Bsd an adrenaline junky? Or is he scared of more dangerous things like bungee jumping and mountain climbing.

What would their reactions be to rollercoasters?

Do they have a favourite date-night activity?

Everytime I think of this au it brightens my mood!! Thank you for making something so heartwarming!! <3

Glad to see you again :D And yaay, questions!

My pen pressure broke again, I can't finish any sketches for this ask rn, but here's a couple of old messy designs.

1) Comforting and nightmares

Skeppy has a normal, I’d even say adequate level of fear towards wild animals, whilst Bad has it in negative numbers. And, yes, this fun juxtaposition leads to a lot of unfortunate moments of Skeppy nearly dying from heart attack when some of Bad’s animal friends show up unexpectedly, or Bad goes all out for his tea-parties with wild bears or smth.

So, yes, sometimes the comforting hugs are necessary! And no, none of them ever play up the dramaticness of the situation just to drag out the nice comforting moment They do n o t. That’d be very silly and unnecessary, and will deserve a lot of teasing. So, it’s all serious. Not only for the first couple minutes. Yes.

But If you’re looking for comfort-after-actual-hurt – Bad does have to hold and comfort Skeppy, when the stress of trying to not fuck up the good stuff around him gets too strong. And after the nightmares where they are hated and chased by people. Those dreams do not come often, but when they do, Bad is there to hold Skeppy, whisper in his hair that he is alright, that they’re both alright, and that they can handle everything that’s going on right now.

And Bad himself, well. After leaving the town, his nightmares about the night of the ritual stopped almost completely. They come rarely, only when the anxiety gets really bad. Before, in the forest, Bad had them pretty often. It’s one of the reasons he mostly slept not as himself, but in the minds of the animals.

2) Littering

Bad will not maim someone for not getting a candy wrapper in a trashcan, especially if there are people around. But if someone leaves a big mess in the nature, or even (*gasp*) does it regularly, Bad can and will try and teach them a lesson. As in: pull a cautionary (and probably slightly terrifying) prank on the misbehaving person.

It doesn’t always work out as Bad intended, and may even scare some people off anything relating to nature for good, but, according to Bad, it’s still “a fun and useful little hobby to have :3”.

3) Rat

Rat takes a looong time to warm up to any other animals that infringe on her territory. And Skeppy might be a little shit (and his own rights for Bad are debatable) but he is Rat’s territory still (by approximation from Bad). So, she can gatekeep Skeppy a little bit. Not as much as she does Bad, but the man gotta know his place – Rat comes before other dogs for him too.

4) Tree climbing and strength

Oh, Bad can an will climb down a tree like a full-on creepy creature he is: head down, using only his claws, with Skeppy tucked under one arm. Maybe not even upside down, if Skeppy is lucky, and wasn’t too annoying about wanting to stay up on the tree for the night :D

5) Meeting other spn creatures

Oh, that’s a big question (: Yes, they do meet other cryptids, befriend some, and get in trouble with some, and deal with a handful of new and old spn troubles :D

I always thought that Bad and Skeppy’s life after the main story can make a series of short stories (or one big episodic one) dealing with exactly that: the guys traveling around, meeting other cryptids, learning more about themselves and the world, trying to build a life between human and supernatural crisis going on. Just like In The Dark it can based on the mix between the real life and the minecraft-verse events.

I wanted to focus more on finishing the main story first, though, so these stories are not as sought through, I didn’t even write down any of them yet :D

But if you have more concrete questions, ideas, or suggestions (about a specific person, or a specific thing happening) – write me, I’ll think about it, and how it can work with the theme and worldbuilding I have in mind.

6) Stealing + Protectiveness

Skeppy can sometimes forget about, ahem, moral principles, or human decency… emphasis oh “human”. He’s nature and different worldview it gives, it seeps through in his life and actions even more with age. Especially after he’s been away from actual people for a long while. So, I guess, he might at times steal something that is very important to someone, or do something that could be considered weird or rude in general.

And if Bad really needs something, or is in danger – all rules are down. If there is no one to reality check Skeppy, he might proceed to walk on heads, and commit risky and reckless crimes just to help or save Bad.

They both are quite bad with that, the protecting each other thing. Bad, tho, can be more fiscally violent in his protectiveness.

7) Adrenaline and rollercoasters

Well, it’s not that Bad likes adrenaline specifically, he’s just very curious, likes to try new things, and is almost unkillable. So he can just- just go for everything that’s interesting for him with reckless abandon, and if it goes wrong – welp. Bones can heal limbs can regrow, and the cool abandoned caves will not explore themselves. He’ll have to learn to ease up with lack of selfcare though. Because Bad can’t always leave Skeppy to fend for himself, while he heals, and Skeppy does NOT like seeing Bad getting hurt so much, and not caring about himself at all.

This probably comes back to Bad dealing with his spn nature and learning to make peace between it and himself. And to his anxiety, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

And hey, it’s the same for Skeppy and his lack of adequate moral compass at times :D

There will be a lot of tension and growing they’d have to do in regards to all this.

Also Skeppy is the one who’s really into chasing the thrills :D Man spent nearly half a year annoying probably-murderous-forest-spirit just for little not-boring fun, jeez :DD

Rollercoasters are a no go, tho. They go up in the air, real high, and, once again, Skeppy and highs do not mix, they do not mingle, they will not have tea parties (with or without bears). Unless, of course, Skeppy really needs to prove something. Then he’ll go on a ride, and die an honorable death, and will never admit he screamed all the way through it.

8) Dates

(*insert an innuendo from Skeppy here*) But, ahm, actually I’d say they love going on picnics: getting food, and hanging around in the nature for a while.

And I honestly donno what I like to think about the most… I just really enjoy the vibe and the atmosphere of the whole story, and how Bad and Skeppy interact in general.

It all is a real delight to write about :D

---

In The Dark - masterpost

[nanowrimo]

I Published My NaNo-Novel: How 50,000 Words Boosted “Bear Boy”

The path to publishing a novel isn’t always easy. Today, Justin Barker, author of the novel Bear Boy, offers some insight on making difficult decisions, both in writing and in life:

“You have 12 hours to live.” A drum starts to beat like a heart and quickens.  “What would you say?” my yoga instructor asks, “Who would you want to see? What are your regrets?” It was day 40 of a yoga retreat, and tears streamed down my face as I scribbled my thoughts, but there was one I couldn't get off my mind. It was a regret: that I had never helped another zoo animal. I had spent much of my teen years speaking out against captivity, fighting to free Brutus and Ursula, two bears living in abysmal conditions in a cage near my home, and I had succeeded against all odds. That felt good, but I was an adult now with an adult’s awareness and power. And I had done nothing else.

I walked away from that imagined glimpse of death more alive than ever and burning to tell my story. I had no idea what I was doing, but I started writing and struggling—not knowing what to write, not being able to stay motivated. Four years in, with my first draft in the trash, I discovered NaNoWriMo. I signed up for the 50,000 word challenge. I booked a cheap flight to Chiang Mai, Thailand, where I would create my own writing retreat. I hopped from one wifi hotspot to the next—fueled by tropical views, delicious vegan food, and an ambitious daily word count. 

When that 2015 Nanowrimo wrapped up I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt 50,000 words closer to my dream of telling my story, but little did I know, at the time, I was still six years from publishing my book. NaNoWriMo helped me lay out the facts of my story and capture key moments of dialogue. It gave me purpose and courage and forced me to take action—all critical elements for any writer. But to be publishable, my writing and my storytelling needed some serious help. 

Luckily, I met Jennie Nash, who became my book coach. She guided me through a process to define my mission—I wanted young readers to walk away inspired to stand up for themselves and for animals. She helped me build the structure of my story, offered me guidance and accountability as I moved from having a bunch of words on a page to having a compelling story someone might actually want to read. She helped me realize my story wasn’t just about saving two bears, it was also about saving myself—how as a queer teen I struggled with the confines of gender norms, suffered taunts and physical attacks, and how those experiences helped me empathize with animals locked in cages far from their natural homes. That was the real story.

“When that 2015 Nanowrimo wrapped up I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt 50,000 words closer to my dream of telling my story.”

I had a dream of a traditional publishing deal. I thought it would be an excellent platform to continue the conversation about the horrors of captivity that I started when I was young. Jennie helped me build my pitch to agents: “Bear Boy is for today’s idealists, outsiders, rule breakers, go-getters, and activists. My ideal reader is 12 years old, the same age I was when I started my activism.” After over 100 pitches, I landed a New York City agent. I was ecstatic and she was ready to slice and dice my manuscript. “We need to completely eliminate the gay part of your story” she said. It was a punch to the gut, but I thought maybe she knew what she was doing so I did it. She pitched my reworked manuscript to all the major book imprints. A year passed without a deal and she said my lack of a social following was to blame and that I should write a controversial piece about Greta Thunberg to get some media attention. My heart sank. How could I possibly say anything bad about Greta? I saw myself in her young activism and was deeply inspired by the movement she was building. 

That’s when I decided that I no longer wanted an agent or a traditional deal. I was scared, I knew nothing about how to bring a book into the world, but I decided to press on, establish a book imprint and bring my book to life on my own terms. I hired professional copywriters, proofreaders, interior and cover designers. I did a lot of research. I had really tough days, both technically and emotionally. There were many moments that I wondered if I made the right decision, but I am on the other side of all of that doubt now. It took 10 years but Bear Boy: The True Story of a Boy, Two Bears, and the Fight to Be Free is here, in the hands of early readers. Young people from all corners of the globe are reading and reviewing the book, saying it’s inspiring them and that it’s making them rethink their relationship to nature and animals.  

It’s Pride month and I’m proud to be able to tell a queer story. And, I have to acknowledge the privilege I hold as a white cisgendered male with the financial resources, flexibility, and support to go out on my own. I believe anyone can write and power through the challenges to get their story into the world, but we must all work together to challenge and reimagine the systems in both indie and traditional publishing that limit access and continue to marginalize so many important voices and stories.

Justin Barker is an animal activist, producer, and author of Bear Boy: The True Story of a Boy, Two Bears, and the Fight to Be Free. With his YA debut, Justin hopes to highlight the plight of zoo animals and inspire young people to stand up for themselves, animals, and their fellow humans. He lives in San Francisco with his son Noah and wife Bridget; he and Bridget both identify as queer.

Web: www.bearboy.org

Instagram & Twitter :  @justinbarkertv

[excitedlysuffering]

Green With Envy

It’s past 2am and my eyes hurt so it’s unedited for now sorry y’all😅

Original Request (from Wattpad account): What makes the boys jealous, if possible?

Guest stars: Sasori and Sai!

Masterlist     

Naruto~

Oh, this boy… he’s too oblivious sometimes he doesn’t even know to be jealous. He was at a hot spring with friends once and someone says, “(Y/N) is so hot…” Naruto just grinned and said, “Yeah, she really is.”

But that doesn’t mean he won’t protect your honor. If someone says something a little too… risque like ‘Yeah, I’d tap that’ for example, get ready for more Narutos than you can count all charging you with a Rasengan.

He will not stand other guys cozying up to you. He’s the one who should be blessed with your hugs and cuddles. Won’t hesitate to cause a scene and yell to the entire world that he loves you and won’t let any other guy make a pass at you.

“Naruto, you didn’t need to go that far! You blasted him through three walls!” He’s endearing, really.

Sasuke~

Is jealousy an Uchiha thing or just a Sasuke thing? One of life’s many mysteries. Anywho, unlike Naruto, the second your name is brought up in conversation, he goes on guard and he’s listening closely.

If anything is said that he deems inappropriate, whether it be disparaging or otherwise, Sasuke had better be held back or he just might punch you into next week.

“Sasuke, calm down! He just said I had good taste in clothes!”

Even though he can easily get jealous, he knows the importance of freedom and he trusts you. He won’t come guns blazing (or sword slashing rather) and drag you away unless you need it of course.

The last thing he wants is for you to feel like you’re dating your dad or something. He’s very blunt and if he becomes uneasy with the way another male is talking to you, he’ll let said male know. Maybe after scowling with his Sharingan activated, however.

Neji~

Neji doesn’t really get jealous per se, more like offended on your behalf. Because of his upbringing, which taught him manners and the utmost respect, he really can’t understand talking about girls like they’re objects? Will never refer to a woman as ‘hot’ or anything like that.

If someone even dares speak of you like that, (even if you’re not necessarily together yet) he will fight them, and they will experience the 64 palms technique.

He especially hates people in your personal space. He really does trust you, just not others. Is not afraid to embarrass someone on your behalf. Half the time his glare is enough to scare them off, but some people are just clueless. (They wake up in the hospital)

“Neji! You can’t just throw me over your shoulder and leave! And that guy looked like he had seen a ghost?!” Needless to say, even cool, calm, and collected Neji has his limits.

Shikamaru~

Shika is too laid back to get jealous over little things. Somewhat like Neji, he doesn’t get jealous. He might feel threatened on your behalf, but never jealous. He can trust you with his life why shouldn’t he trust you with your relationship?

However, if someone is clearly harassing you or just generally making you uncomfortable, he will not hesitate to step in and make them leave. He won’t resort to physical violence (too much work), but he will intimidate them or put his genius to use and play some kind of trick on them.

He honestly has endless patience and at the same time no patience? Patience with you if you’re having a pleasant conversation with someone, but will go from 0-100 (or 50, really, anything more is a lot of effort) real quick.

“Shika, that guy thought he was really paralyzed, thanks to your shadow possession!” Being jealous is a waste of time, but clever revenge is always a treat for Shika.

Kiba~

So. Jealous. So. Easily. Kiba is naturally animalistic (in the best way) and just like a dog, can be very possessive. If explicitly asked, he will try to tone down his jealous fits, but will still be protective. If he does have free reign, however, oh boy…

No chill at all, whatsoever. Whether it’s absolutely destroying the object of his rage or just simply making out with you right there. No matter how annoyed he may get, he respects you with every fiber of his being and would never tell you to change or try to control you. He wouldn’t ever embarrass you (unless Kiba and Akamaru pummeling a room full of guys is embarrassing).

Just let him FIND OUT someone is making you feel the slightest bit of unease. One second, they’re chatting you up and then BAM! There’s a flash of white and a huge dog ready to maul them.

“Kiba, what do you mean they all looked at me for too long?! We walked in the door, of course, they turned to look!”

Gaara~

Gaara is a bit of a conundrum, but in a way that makes sense? Like, he doesn’t feel the need to get jealous of guys because when you leave, he’s going to be kissing you goodnight, and he’s the one who gets to spoil you.

However, he will get jealous of little things. Oh, you’ve spent a good amount of time playing with an animal/pet? Be prepared to walk in on Gaara giving them a stern lecture on stealing you from them. Gaara knows he has any potential suitors beat, but tiny adorable animals and children? In his mind, he can never be too cautious.

He gets a little pouty but that can easily be cured with cuddles, sometimes with that evil little pet that stole your affections from him. He can never stay jealous for long, he views it as an unproductive waste of time. He could be actively trying to get your attention, but instead, he’s going to be sulking in a corner? Yeah, no.

“Gaara! Stop scolding my cat, that’s not doing anything!”

Sai~

On the rare occasion that this cinnamon roll gets jealous, he’s confused and shocked. Like just imagine the surprised Pikachu face and that’s him. He knows what jealousy is, he can identify it just fine, but he doesn’t know why he’s jealous.

You aren’t doing anything, all you did was laugh at someone else’s jokes, but still… do you find them funnier than him? Are you going to leave him because he’s not that funny?! Cue the slow onset into insanity… Poor Sai is losing his mind to paranoia and made-up scenarios.

Will most certainly drag you away (gently) from whoever is taking your attention and leave. He doesn’t even bother with a fake smile, they don’t deserve it. He’ll explain to you calmly even though he’s panicking on the inside. Once he is back to normal he’ll show you his nearest artwork.

“What the-! Sai, you can’t just draw caricatures on people’s car!” You don’t even want to know how he figures out which car is theirs...

Kakashi~

Too cocky to be jealous. He has the right to be though because one glance at him without his face mask can cause instant pregnancy. Anywho, he knows you love him and some guy trying to hit on you like some high school douche isn’t going to change that.

He does like to intervene, however, just to flex like ‘yeah, I’m the boyfriend, now get lost’.

He’s not big on PDA, so he won’t start kissing you to ward off strangers, but he will wrap on arm around you or hold your hand and ask who your ‘friend’ is.

When there’s that one stubborn person who won’t take a hint, Kakashi doesn’t mind rocking someone’s world or getting kicked out, he needed to perfect that one offense technique anyways. He’s pretty laid back though, so it has to be somewhat drastic for this though, plus he knows you can handle yourself.

“A thousand years of death?! Isn’t it weird to be poking old men in the butt?!

~Akatsuki~

Pein~

Pfft. Who does he have to be jealous of? He’s a god among mortals, after all. To him, you’re a goddess and as such you belong with someone like him, not the peasants around you.

But on the offhand chance that someone doesn’t heed his godly status, he will not hesitate to pull you into his side and yell ‘Almighty Push’ and totally obliterate that loser. (A/N: Holy crap I think that needs to be a one-shot cuz, wow, Pein being all protective is making me swoon?)

If it’s not a big deal, he’ll easily let you take care of it. If you’re strong enough to catch Pein’s attention, you’re more than strong enough to deal with some lowlife. That doesn’t mean, however, that they won’t feel his wrath too.

If you ever want to witness a true royal rumble, dare someone to mess with Pein’s S/O. It’d be an epic tag team match (slaughter, really) for the ages. One would d be surprised how quick he can lose his cool when it comes to you.

“Pein, that’s the fifth time this month! Kakuzu is going to murder me if I ask for money to fix this wall!”

Deidara~

Need I even say it? Jealous boy all the way. You’re his favorite masterpiece so why should let an uncultured swine who doesn’t even understand your worth touch you? Rhetorical question, he wouldn’t.

He is not above fighting or placing a bomb on someone who gives you one too many glances. He’d make sure they knew it wasn’t art, they weren’t good enough for that, before blowing the offender up.

No one and he means no one gets to talk bad about his S/O. If someone insults you in his presence they might as well as swallowed one of his explosives and trusted him not to blow them up.

Will one 100% hide you from view if you look too appealing. He thinks you look ravishing, but he’s the only one who should be able to think that, in his opinion. Don’t worry, no one’s ever gotten close enough to harass you with Dei around. His one-eyed scowl is a great deterrent.

“Deidara! You blew up my favorite restaurant! He didn’t even say anything to me!”

Sasori~

Would rather die before admitting he was jealous. As adamant about not being jealous as he is about art being eternal. That’s not to say that he won’t take action though. He will use chakra strings to make the perpetrator walk away, meanwhile making them bump into literally everything in the general vicinity.

The two of you don’t leave the base all that often so it’s unusual to see an envious Sasori action, but it’s a real treat when it happens. After he deals with whatever idiot crossed him, he’ll be a bit more affectionate that day/night.

Not huge things, but instead of working on puppets all night, he’d be more apt to hold you that night. Average people hitting on you make him insecure because he realizes he’s not that great at normal relationships but he still doesn’t want to lose you. That feeds into his jealousy and he figures the only way to get rid of it is to make sure those other guys can’t offer anything he doesn’t have.

“Sasori! If you wanted a hug, you could’ve said that instead of treating that guy like a ball inside of a pinball machine!”

[yukina-otome]

Ikevamp pregnancy and family headcanon pt.1

So I don’t usually write headcanons. English is only my 3rd language so I make a lot of mistakes. But these days I work at the Maternity hospital and I got those baby vibes so I decided to write this. Please be nice to me. I’m a noob at writing lol. I will illustrate what I think the children would look like with pictures of characters that are NOT MINE. Pls be understanding. If you want a part 2 tell me what other boys you would like in the comments and live me a little encouragement because I have 0 confidence lol.

Part 2 | Part 3

1-Napoleon : 2 sons and 1 daughter 

-Napoleon always dreamed of a normal peaceful life -That peaceful life of course included you, and kids that would look like you running around. -And so when you first got pregnant Napoleon was beyond happy. -He wanted a little girl that would look exactly like you. -9 months later you gave him the cutest little boy with his dark hair and Turquoise eyes. -The second he laid his eyes on him he adored him. -5 years later napoleon asked if you were ready to have another one. A little girl this time hopefully. -And BOOM 10 months later a little boy was born again with dark slightly blue hair and blue eyes. -Still Napoleon loved him to death and was happy. -The third time you got pregnant was not planned. -You 2nd son was still 2 years old. -But you guys were still very happy. -9 months passed and napoleon was almost sure he'll get a little boy again. -But this time a beautiful baby girl was born with your brown hair and blue almost gray eyes. -Napoleon couldn't have been any happier. -He loved and cherished all his children equally. -His first born was calm and cool but very sensitive. He loved reading and studying. He spent a lot of time with uncle Isaac who taught him everything from math to physics to Latin. -The second born was more like Napoleon. He trained with his father and uncle jean as soon as he could walk. He loved his mother a lot and vowed to protect her from bad guys ("like uncle Arthur who always flirts with mama"). -The third born looked a lot like you but her personality was just like napoleon. She had charisma and everyone was in awe in front of her. she usually went on horse rides with her father. -The family would usually cook crepes together on Sunday and all of napoleon children still had to learn how to defend themselves. -He's very open minded and forging but very strict when it comes to their safety.

2-Mozart :  2 daughters (Twins)

-Mozart never thought about having children. -But being with you opened many new horizons in his life and he started thinking about what it would be like having a family with you. -So when one day you told him you were pregnant, he froze for 1 min before scooping you in his arms. -You've never seen Mozart smile wider. -When you were in your fifth month Arthur told you that you seemed bigger than most pregnant woman at that stage. -You wondered if he was right and visited your doctor the next day. -After some examination your doctor told you you were most likely pregnant with twins. She started explaining about the risks that could have. -When you told Wolf about it he was horrified. The thought of loosing you was unbearable. -But you told him you wanted this and that you would fight for your life and the life of your babies no matter what. You also made him promise to treasure and take care of your babies no matter what happens. -Your labor started early. In the 7th month to be precise and after few hours of fear and anxiety the doctor told Mozart that you gave birth to two beautiful girls and that both the babies and you were okay. -Of course the twins were very small and needed extra care but thankfully everything went well. -When you finally brought them to the mansion all the guys went crazy over them. -The first twin was the spitting image of Mozart with white hair and purple eyes. She was calm and cold looking but inside she was a big softie. Of course you guys named her Violet. -The second twin had your brown hair and her father violet eyes and she reminded you of a sunflower. She was cheerful and a bit clumsy. Theo loved her a lot because she reminded him of Vincent. Her name was Sonnen (solar in German) and Mozart always called her my Sonnenblume (means my sunflower). -Both the twins would learn piano from their father but Violet liked it more. Sonnen preferred to go out and play with king and uncle Theo -You would spend hours cooking with Sonnen who always had crazy ideas like marmalade butter beef cookies. (thankfully you would stop her). When you guys finished you went in the piano room where violet and Mozart were playing piano and invite them to eat. -You would all eat in the dinning room though because of the "No food in our piano room" rule.

3-Leonardo : 1 daughter (warning mention of character death)

-Leonardo didn't want kids at first. -He always thought about how you would feel if you saw yourself growing old while your child would stop growing out. -He also didn't want to see his child suffer the same way he did and would again eventually. -And so when one day you told him nervously you were pregnant he grew silent. You knew he needed some time to think it over so you gave him some space.  -Few days passed and Leo still kept silent. He was in his thought most of the time and le compte felt something was wrong with his friend. -When Leo told le compte, le compte frowned and told him that both of you need to have a conversation and that he cant stay silent for the rest of his life. -That night Leo knocked at your door and told you about his fears. You smiled at him and told him that you would never regret giving birth to his child. -"I know a day would come when i will have to leave you, that makes me very sad but what sadden me even more is imagining you alone after i leave. I want to leave you someone who can share your pain and happiness for eternity. Someone to remind you of me, of us." -After that Leo relaxed and as months pass the fear is replaced by excitement. He starts reading tons of books about pregnancies and child raising and his room becomes even more of a mess. -But one day after you tripped on a pile of books and almost fell leo decided that he would keep his room clean of all time. The next day when you entered his room and saw how tidy it is you got into shock. -Anyways few months later you give birth to a beautiful baby girl. Of course as Leo expected the baby was a true blood. -She had light brown hair and yellow eyes identical to his. -She was cute and sweet and at the same time had a fierce aura. She shared her father interests and always sat to read with him books that were way beyond her age. -She loved swords, fighting and sports. -She loved her uncle le compte the most and he always bought her all kind of dresses. -But one day she told him she didn't want any more dress cause she was going to wear pants from now on. -She was a tomboy and loved going to the pub with her uncle Arthur and Theo and start fights (once she was old enough of course) -She became her father best companion and even hundreds of years later he never felt alone ever again because she was always by his side even after you left them both.

4-Arthur: 2 daughters and 1 son

-Arthur knew you were pregnant way before you even noticed that you were late on your period. -He was not surprised because you two would go at it like bunnies every night so it was bound to happen. -He always dreamed and what it was to have a family with you but at the same time he was terrified. His past and trauma coming to haunt him again. -Outside he seemed fine but you knew better. You spent long nights reassuring him that everything was going to be okay. -He was feeling better but still needed your reassurance from time to time. -As the 9th month got closer he became incredibly overprotective. He stuck to your side at all time and got his old medical books out to study again Obstetrics and pediatrics. -He was ready. Or so he thought. -But when the time came he was an absolute mess of panic. It took Theo to give him a good punch on the face for him to get his s**t together. -DOCTOR MODE ACTIVATED. -Thankfully everything went smoothly and a baby girl with black hair and huge blue eyes was born. -He knew that moment he would never be the same ever again. -OVERPROTECTIVE PAPA MODE ACTIVATED. -He never let any man approach her (even the 2 year old who wanted to play with her in the park) -"All men are wolves my darling" he would say as his 1 year old daughter looked at him with he big blue eyes. -Eventually you got pregnant again (Again Arthur was not surprised). -But this time Arthur was a lot more calm. -A beautiful baby girl was born again with smaller blue eyes and brown hair. -She looked like a mini you but with Arthur's eyes. -Arthur wanted to name her Victoria but dropped the idea because he thought it would be confusing (because of Vic). -The two girls loved spending time with uncle Vincent and Theo -The first born favorite hobby was teasing her uncle Isaac as soon as she was old enough to talk. -"As expected of my daughter" Arthur would say as he rolls on the floor laughing. -She shared her father sharp instincts and would help him solve the cases in the city. -The second daughter was much more calm and gentle. Just like her mother. She loved her father stories but not Sherlock Holmes. Her favorite book was "The Coming  of the Fairies" -She had an almost obsession with fairies and supernatural beings. - When your daughter were both 10 and 12 years old you accidentally got pregnant again (If You think two daughters would stop Arthur you are very wrong). -This time it was the cutest baby boy with curly black hair and big blue eyes. -Your baby boy was a huge crybaby and was always stuck to his mother. He was delicate and sensitive. He cared about others well being more than anything and he dreamed of being a doctor. -When he told Arthur he was absolutely against it. He didn't want his son to go through the pain he had to endure. But as your son grew up he became less of a crybaby while still being sensitive and delicate. He showed great talent in the medical field. -"Arthur, you were alone but our son is not alone. He got us and his sisters to hug him and wipe his tears when he'll need a break. Let's support him together." you told Arthur one night and eventually his father accepted to let him live his dream.

I only did the 4 first suitors but if u want any of the others pls do tell me in the comments. I’ll make a part 2. Also since this is my very first headcanon pls tell me what u think. Don’t be too mean pls.

[benlaksana]

2021

It's been roughly a year and a half since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic here in Indonesia, and I've recently been trying to understand where I'm at. Not physically, as in physical space, but mentally and probably existentially. What is the state of my mind? I am aware that I've become somewhat bitter, my late nights are sometimes riddled with anxiety for what the next day may bring and reoccurring personal-collective grief has at times, and recently more often than I would like to admit, numbed me.

This may probably be my mind's automatic coping mechanism seeing all this death mainly as a result of how my government has failed us, its citizens, especially during a time of crises. And I really need to stress this point: how my government has failed us Indonesians during the times we need it the most and I very much believe that it is because of this why many of us Indonesians are in constant misery and haunted by that feeling of despair. If chronic physical pain causes constant daily anguish, I am not surprised if chronic physical and mental pain caused by structural violence causes persistent misery as well.

I'm somewhat fortunate in this regard, I'm grateful that I've learned ways to keep my sanity in check. My contemplative practice is key for me. Honestly, I wouldn't have gotten far in life without it. I have many people to thank, but Art Buehler especially, my former professor in esoteric contemplative/meditative practices who reminded me and pointed a certain possible direction of where I should head when I sense a lost in my life's direction, is one those I should thank the most. I know this seems like an individualized response to structural oppression, and I don't intend to paint such a picture, but I do believe we need some kind of mental stability to keep on going. To survive if not thrive.

Art sadly passed away in 2019. I received an email about his passing. And come to think of it I never really did allow myself to properly grieve for his passing. I don't know why. To be told through a short concise email that someone you cared for died, without having the opportunity to properly say goodbye feels like that person never really passed away. It is horrible way to end relationships. A sudden cut, nothing finalized, and since goodbyes are relational, now nothing can really ever be concluded. I have to make amends with myself and only with myself. If I said goodbye yesterday, or if I say goodbye today or perhaps tomorrow, will it ever be enough for me?

Life is individual yet also relational. It's good to have friends, family, people that care for you or the odd mix of all three to get you through life. So although I have these array of tools to possibly help get me through life but if the people whom you look for some kind direction is no longer present, I'm just not sure for how long I can maintain it if I'm doing all this by myself. Will a breaking point come to me?

The mind is a fickle thing, and the mind is as strong as its habits. Bad habits, bad mind. Good habits, good healthy mind (no habits, no mind?). They also say that things that might happen, will indeed happen. It is just a matter of time. If so, how will I break? To what extent? For how long? What will change? What will I lose? Will there be something renewed? Will I come out the same person? Will I come out changed but for the worst?

This is one of the things that worries me. That certainty of uncertainty. The certainty of breaking, the uncertainty of when and of its form. Will I explode in sudden exasperation, engulfed in madness? Will it be a quick balloon pop yet a slow descend into meaninglessness? An unabashed diatribe rant towards someone I care? Something that's just a twitter post away from me on actually doing it. Will this be an opening, an opportunity for 'satori', a sudden lift of the 'veil', bringing about comprehension and understanding of the true nature of things? Questions, questions, questions, not much when it comes to answers, is all I have for now. To be hopeful is hard these days and with the wavering hope, very much coming and going like waves, it has become incredibly hard to even retain any semblance of kindness. That is something I do not want to actively become a habit of. Without hope, comes the cold embrace of fatalism that many on the 'left' are guilty of. Clutched by fatalism, empathy becomes harder to come by. I've seen it, and I have felt it.

I know that my eroding sense of hope is connected to my personal dreams. Specifically how it has become very hard to actualize it. Rara and I never really planned on staying in Indonesia for long. I was confident enough, a bit too confident come to think of it, that we will be out of Indonesia by 2021 the latest. A mere 2 1/2 years after our last stay in New Zealand. The plan was for me to continue my studies, getting into a Ph.D. program and of course a scholarship. That was our ticket out. Hoping that we'll be back to our old routine in Wellington, in and out the university's library, my head in books, loving our 'flatwhites' while regretting having too much of it, the usual stint doing some university tutoring, community organizing stuff, lazy gardening, out and about on the weekends tramping around Wellington and if Covid did not happen or/and maybe if my government handled things much, much better I think that would've been the case. Or at least I constantly would like to imagine that would be the case.

Yet here we are still in Indonesia, me struggling to do my Ph.D. through this wretched distant learning, initially in the comfort of my home yet steadily devolving into cabin fever. And Rara with her own struggles trying her best to get back on her feet as an aspiring musician. None of it is going as well as we had hoped for. All this while juggling trying our best to keep ourselves safe and our families and friends safe. Both of us have become direct witnesses how challenging this has been, physically and mentally. Both of us slowly grappling with the continual kick in the gut, the never ending structural absurdity, violently absurd.

That slow grueling realization of how fragile our lives are. Not just existentially. It is existentially precarious yet at the same time understanding that precariousness in many of its aspects is structurally and politically maintained. It is this political construction of precarity, which Isabell Lorey elaborates in her book State of Insecurity: Government of the Precarious, that angers and saddens us the most.

Lorey provides a nuanced approach in unpacking and differentiating this thing called being 'precarious'. The three dimensions of being precarious: precariousness, precarity and then precarization. On precariousness, Lorey draw's on Judith Butler's conceptualization of precariousness which she sees as existential, relational and inevitable. I'll insert my existential philosophy and Buddhist values here, to help me see and more importantly accept the transient nature of life and that impermanence or change is the only constant. Our lives, our bodies are destined to die and wither away. We humans are fragile mortal beings. The loss of life, the loss of one's identity, the loss of everything that makes us, us is unavoidable. It's also a 'relational' thing, as in it is also a shared experience. Everyone will experience it. It is the great equalizer some say.

Then we have precarity. Yes everyone dies, but the process of dying or even the process of grieving someone's death is dependent on what Lorey see as the “effects of different political, social and legal compensations of a general precariousness”. Some die at young age due to starvation, riddled with poverty and disease and have nothing or no one to ease their pain, others die surrounded by family and friends in a well-cared for hospital. Some have days or weeks to grieve, others have to go back to work the next day as she or he have no luxury to stop working even just for a moment and simply grieve. To stop working even for a day draws some closer to the possibility of death for the person or those dependent on the person working. This is the inequality of dying and grieving due to our social hierarchies. How fragile we are, is dependent on those social hierarchies.

And last we have Lorey's third dimension, governmental precarization which is the instrumentalization of insecurity by the government. In other words, the government using the idea and the reality of insecurity as a tool or device to control its citizens. The calculated, deliberate attempt by the government in destabilizing our lives in order for us to be easily governed. Insecurity, be it real or due to perceived constructed fear of insecurity is an effective governing tool. The fear of being labeled "useless and lacking in contribution to the nation-state". The genuine insecurity of not being able to get a job due to the false understanding that it is simply a result of an individual's laziness rather than due to systematic government policies. The deliberate attempt in making our lives constantly insecure, constantly on the edge, without us initially knowing it and when we do come to understand, the blame is on us. It is normalized and it is internalized.

This is not simply a social issue, it is a deeply existential one as well. We Indonesians have very little to make us feel safe at the moment. Covid and the government's response to it has severely limited our movements and it's not simply physical immobility, but also an existential one, the inability to even have the imagination that our lives are actually "going somewhere", towards a forward direction. Perhaps some sort of minute incremental progress, but progress nonetheless. This imagined mobility is what Ghassan Hage calls as "existential mobility" and this immobility suffered by many of us is what he also calls as "stuckedness".

Turning an often momentary or the ephemeral nature of a crisis into something prolonged and perhaps even permanent is another part of the strategy of governmental precarization. Our lives or jobs are always on the line and again coupled with the sick prevailing idea that we only have ourselves to find the solution. The crisis is permanent, we don't know why but we've been told that way, if we fail to overcome it is because of our personal inabilities thus proliferating and intensifying this sense of stuckedness.

Forcing us to accept whatever solution the government-messiah presents us with in order to relieve us from this suffering. From labour laws that normalizes precariousness even more, to oppressive new laws that limits our desire and ability to dissent, to including who or how our enemies are defined, easily accepting who is to blame for all this insecurity we are all suffering.

Be it the long dead Indonesian communists, the Chinese Indonesians and the racist perception of them being "selfish and greedy", the Indonesian Islamists - the kadruns and their conservatism, the "foreign forces" whomever they may be constantly trying to take over Indonesia, anyone or anything is to blame. Anyone but the Indonesian government and its affluent patrons. Insecurity and the fear that rises from it renders many of us easily governable and compliant.

This governmental precarization and this 'stuckedness', which Hage sees no longer as a possibility that may or may not happen but an "inevitable pathological state which has to be endured" is how Rara and I feel at the moment.

Rara and I feel our lives are going nowhere. We feel that our lives are stuck, constantly rotating in a hamster wheel trying our best to overcome our precariousness. No progress, no forward movement, no growth, just trying our best to survive from this sustained uncertainty. It's an awful feeling, paving way to existential dread. We are very much looking forward to moving back to New Zealand as soon as possible but with the conditions right now, that is something I can't even dare to imagine.

And although I am grateful that the weave of our privilege with at many times just pure sheer luck has kept us alive and physically well for the time being, we both now realize that we have hit a proverbial concrete wall here. Adding to the already precarious nature of life here in Indonesia, our line of work as a fledgling social science academic and aspiring artist and what Rara and I aspire to do socially, what we aspire to become, easily ends in stagnation if we intend to continue to live our lives in Indonesia. (I want to direct you to Social Science and Power edited by Vedi Hadiz and Daniel Dhakkidae to get the gist of what I'm trying to get at here.)

This is a hard pill to swallow, harder to write and even more so to act upon. I am existentially tied to Indonesia, my family and friends are here, my father is buried here and so will my mother. Memories of the distant past, the colloquial language when shitposting on social media, my mind and body have been shaped by Indonesia in ways I possibly do not even fully realize. This is why I oscillate between guilt towards others and guilt towards the self. I feel guilty for simply having an exit strategy when many others don't, I have the luxury of choice. Yet I also I feel guilty for feeling guilty about this, as it means I am also neglecting the well-being of myself, now and in the future. I need to work on this and find my bearings, being stuck in a guilty limbo won't get me anywhere.

And the future is far from stable, I wonder what is on the other end of surviving this pandemic? There is so much collective grief, collective anger and of course personal anger. All this will amount to something, I'm sure of that. Although I don't know what exactly, I'm not entirely confident this something will be good. John Keane's new book 'The New Despotism' comes into mind.

What do I personally do with all this anger? I’ve noticed how anger, especially when it is on the verge of hatred, morphs itself and easily descends into madness, into aggression and often showing itself, unawaringly to us, when the act of expressing anger happens. Your mind becomes instantly clouded, ending in mindless action. This inability to have control over oneself terrifies me. I already have so very little semblance of control over life in general at the moment, if I truly have no control over myself whatsoever, what then do I have?

And I wonder if it is a waste of time asking these pseudo-intellectual questions? I don't know, yet I do know I live in a society where it hones aggression and hostility, whether it be in physical and digital spaces, and I would like to draw myself away from all this at the moment before I transform myself into something I do not wish to be. Anger I can fully understand, and it is needed and useful. Yet to actively transform it into deep blinding hatred and sustain it daily, is something I feel psychologically destructive for me and I'm trying my best not to go on that path.

I rarely update this blog I know, but this blog has always been used as a personal chronicle of how much I have progressed, digressed or both. And I needed to write all this, because I've never been this least sure of what my life should be like and where it should go. I know I am not alone at this. This pandemic has destroyed the lives of many, our futures, our dreams, our sources of love and I hope that anyone of you reading this finds a way to get through it, doing anything you can do day in, day out.

I'm not sure it if amounts to anything. Maybe it won't, maybe it will, or maybe it has but maybe we just can't see it. All I can personally do for now, is to hold on to these 'maybes', and maybe, just maybe I'll get through this too.

“Where must we go...

We who wonder this Wasteland

in search of our better selves?”

- The First History Man, George Miller