#i literally did nothing at all but they literally faught over me

[p3rson27]

I love the way wine hits it's like

I'm fine :) (I'm so sexy and powerful and this alcohol isn't affecting me at all)

*stands up*

Uh oh

[allthoughts-headgay]

ok ok ok gl!ranboo and cabinet man by lemon demon this is gonna be long so its under the cut

"Electric desires had unraveled all my wires" - !!!!! WANTING TO ESCAPE THE MASK W THE WIRE THINGS

"Now I'm in the box for safekeeping "-!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BOX AROUND THEIR HEAD (which also looked like a tv 👀)

"The news reporters reported that I died" - HE GOT TAKEN FROM HIS LIFE AND SHIT

"But all my organs were living on inside" - EVEN THO THEY WERE BEING CONTROLLED BY SHOWFALL AND SHIT HE WAS STILL ALIVE SOMEWHERE IN THERE

"Circuit board to brain" - WHEN HE WENT ALL NPC

"With two lungs collecting change" - HE AND THEIR LITERAL BODY WERE BEING USED FOR PROFIT

"One big human heart gently beeping" - AGAIN, HE IS HUMAN SOMEWHERE IN THERE BUT EVEN THAT IS BEING BENT AND USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT

this next part could work like a duet between showfall and gl!ranboo

showfall:

"You can't win me, I can't be beat" - showfall is inescapable, they are doomed to just repeat the cycle forever

"I won't hurt you unless you cheat" - the streamers will be safe as long as they do not resist (hetch?? hello??) and just go along with the cycle, they will just keep reviving

gl!ranboo:

"You can't see me behind the screen" - he still keeps some of their humanity hidded from showfall and the viewers, no matter how much they are used for entertainment

"I'm half human and half machine" - he has given up so much of himself and their identity for views, plus the mask controlling him and shit

this next bit is just gl!ranboo again

"Thank God for business, they let me take the floor" - showfall had determined that ranboo would provide them with profit, so they took him

"I stood so proudly, like I was going to war" - they were stuck in this situation, but did not give up. he stayed strong and faught back against showfall

"Players soon appeared and I quickly was revered" - players = viewers, controlling ranboo's actions yet rooting for his escape

"This must be what love would have felt like" - they were robbed of the chance at real love, and instead only received the sort of fake "love" given by the viewers. one who's entire identity is turned into a character for entertainment cannot be truly loved within that character

"Such dedication, they came from miles away" - the viewers were relentless, coming in from all over the world to control him. some wanted them to escape, some seeing them as just a character

"With eyes so piercing, they'd wait their turn to play" - the viewers were observing and analyzing everything he did, seeing the situation as little more than a game for the viewers to win

this next bit is showfall

"Perfect patient lines because I was in their minds" - the viewers waited patiently for their turn to affect the situation, accepting everything they saw at face value. in a way, showfall was controlling them just like they were controlling ranboo (squiggles, the funny situations distracting the viewers, etc)

"I could do whatever I felt like (whatever I felt like)" - because the viewers did not question what was going on or try to break free from showfall's control over them, showfall could present whatever it wanted and the viewers would go along with it

this bit is gl!ranboo again but with the idea that he had gone through many cycles before (or perhaps in the future if they had not died?) before he dies so not totally canon but who knows

"I'm happy for years and years" - ranboo is complacent in showfall's control, deciding that it was better/safer to play along and not resist (like when he went npc?)

"And, only eating the occasional maintenance man" - he rarely rebelled (until the end), oblivious to what was really going on

"Only driving a few kids to madness" - at least in ranboo's perspective, most of the viewers did not care about them. to the viewers he was nothing more than a character. most of the viewers would not go mad spending their days worrying or theorizing or trying to get them out, they would simply move on. (key word in this line is "few" lol)

"Maybe they were predisposed to madness, who knows?" - maybe those viewers were like that for every fictional character, maybe that's just the way they are, they still don't see that he is actually a person

"I only want to have fun" - they just want to be able to live their life, even though he's accepted that his life is now just being used as entertainment. at least they have some sort of purpose

"But now they're telling me my days here are done" - the viewers inevitably get bored of ranboo, and he no longer provides showfall profit. he has no purpose, there is no reason to keep them around.

"'Cause there's a tiny little box that they make in Japan and pretty soon it's gonna fit in your hand" - as soon as ranboo becomes obsolete, there will be another form of entertainment pushed in front of the viewers' eyes to keep them engaged. it's a never ending cycle.

this bit is gl!ranboo, a while after they are replaced

"It's getting lonely, it's getting hard to breathe" - he has been turned into a character, their sole purpose was to entertain. once the viewers move on, there is nothing left for him, and nothing left of them to turn back into a person

"The arcade's empty, I think it's Christmas Eve" - the viewers are off having fun somewhere else, trapped in the cycle of fake characters and fake situations to keep them distracted, to make them forget

"Someone's broken in, now they're painting on my skin" - some viewers inevitably remember ranboo, coming back to them even after he's been discarded, expecting to find the same exact character that they knew.

"Breaking me and taking my quarters" - he's suddenly being used as entertainment, drained for money, just as they thought he'd found peace.

"Bashing in my face with a crowbar, kicking me and pushing me over" - ranboo is suddenly forced to create more entertaining content, contort themself back into the character, in order to keep the remaining viewers constantly happy

"Now they see my blood on their sneakers" - inevitably, some of his humanity comes out, shocking and driving away any remaining viewers, leaving them lonely, but finally at peace, yet still unable to find themself again.

[boytouya]

I'm dumb as all fuck, but like

I wanna hear you rant abt pointless shit

Idm

-🦇

WHY WOULD YOU SAY RHIS TO ME AT FIVE AMMMMM

completely unrelated to everything else i say after this but, cats are so cute. we don’t deserve cats. their lil toe beans and cute meows???? ugh i love cats.

and sometimes i randomly think about how we’re all under the same moon like isnt that so crazy??? everyone complains about being far away from each other but at least we’re on the same planet!! like wow we could all look at the sky at the same time if we really wanted to!!!! ...and we probably use the bathroom at the same time as celebrities which is weird to think about

anyway half asleep rn but all i can think about is the way people treat products of rough upbringings like they’re animals even in fictional works,,,, bucky barnes for example??? in tfatws they talk so much shit about him and it’s like...okay he’s right there...he’s literally a human too??? people loved the idea of incarcerating the winter soldier but now that they have bucky barnes they don’t know what to do with him ☹️ why did everyone leave him behind and expect him to become a fully functioning member of society knowing that he just lost his best friend and all he’s ever known (AND FAUGHT SO HARD TO REMEMBER ))):) (also his therapist was the worst....hate that bitch and her caucasian aging!)

and and AND why did the writers throw away steve’s entire character development in endgame.... like he spent at least three movies fighting for bucky ... just for him to leave??? i may be a below average writer but damn that writing was ass.

same with dabi??? those mfs wanted touya back so bad but now they’re surprised he’s dabi and literally wants them all dead.....lie what’d you expect??

in bl why are the darker skinned characters always loud, abrasive tops.....it’s getting weird.... ALSO VERY WEIRD FOR PEOPLE TO LOOK AT SOMEONE AND THINK ABOUT THEIR PREFERENCE IN BED WHEN

1) personality is not the same as preference

2) skin color has nothing to do with personality/whether you top/bottom

3) real people are not your next fanfic???

speaking of.... i thought everyone agreed not to ship real people??? i don’t like dream smp or wtv tf those white racist minecraft players are called... but whyre they being shipped

i guess if they don’t care it’s whatever but is that not?? idk weird?

OOO also did you know you apparently blink 10-20 times a minute!!!!

cats can get depression which is so freaking sad like i love my cat so much i want her to live a long happy life i can’t believe i’m crying over my cat at 5 am

so unrelated but i’ve never found someone ugly. like clearly i’m not attracted to everyone but i don’t think anyone is ugly either??? (i mean unless you’re a bad person)

[myatuesday]

I'm so depressed.

It's even worse than I thought it would get/might be.

Yesterday was a very bad black star day.

I wish death upon my mother. I do.

I do.

It was... actually pretty scary.

How callously close to the brink she'll push me

Watch me go

And just... hate me harder.

It felt like suicide or running.

I scared myself.

People don't understand the desperation.

Anything to escape the situation, the torture, the abuse.

Anything. Just to make it stop.

I lost my shit.

But luckily she eventually left

And SC came

I just screamed into my mattress

Sobbed on the floor

I just had to get past this

Because I know I'm so close to being gone.

(If not for this goddamn Cancer I'd BE gone right now)

It's just... why torment me now?

JFC.

That's her though. It's her time to rise

Her moment

Her favorite position

Kick me when I'm down

Keep kicking

All it takes is a little tragedy

God forbid an attempt to have a nice weekend

Before my goddamn surgery

My LAST weekend. (Which is over now)

She has to take it away from me somehow

It's some sick ass shit

And all the more reason I need/needed it THAT much more

Heaven forbid.

Sigh

So, yeah.

Now I'm just

DEPRESSED AS FUCK

It's October 17th. My favorite month of the year.

My birthday month.

I've done NOTHING.

N O T H I N G.

I got diagnosed w Cancer the week of my birthday

Faught w SC a lot.

Did, finally, have 1 sushi date... the day of my pre op.

No birthday cards. No stuffies. No flowers.

I'm going through Cancer + it's my birthday

Really? Smh.

Mfr can't go to Walgreens?

Like...

Of course I'm goddamn depressed.

Idk how I'm not fucking catatonic at this point.

My support system SUCKS.

To say they suck is a goddamn understatement.

"Support system" isn't really the right phrasing either

More like... fully activated demons

Sent to torture you on various levels

And cause you to lose your ever loving mind

And sacrifice your soul

For a moments peace or security or something that looks like love.

-

The irony of all this

Would be to get through this shit

Only to see who my real friends are

And kill myself anyway

Because they literally don't exist

-

You'd think I was a school shooter or something

ISTG

My godmother hasn't decided to unghost me

My godmother. Who has been my parent, since I was 5. Knows I have Cancer. Nothing.

And I have ZERO CLUE. None.

Why she ghosted me in the first place.

My Dad's side of the family - nothing.

Nothing.

Fucking nothing.

Like...

It's one thing to think nobody gives a flying fuck about you.

It's another thing to get Cancer

And have that shit confirmed.

-

[Sidenote: Again becoming convinced I'm in Hell. And have been the last 4/5 years.]

It's an endless nightmare that never fucking ends.

I think I'm finally free. Finally fucking free.

BAM. Just kidding.

Cancer.

Smh.

Oh and guess what? Surprise!

NOBODY GIVES A FUUUCK.

Happy Birthday.

This is literally all the fuck you're getting this year, baby.

A HARSH GODDAMN REALITY CHECK

Nobody gives a fuck about you.

No Matter What.

-

But I guess, fuck it, now I know.

Smh.

If I can just get through this...

Freedom is on the other side

And I ain't gotta take NOBODY with me

Goddamn Nobody.

-

The only person who has my back is Frank.

And Bre has been sweet. Especially considering she's got her own shit.

That's just... internet love 3000 mi away, so it's hard.

-

Even Ashley fucked me over.

She's been supportive.

But she really crossed a line.

And I'm not ok. It was not ok.

So... I don't even know what to make of that situation.

Long story short, she's pulling an Aubre.

Telling my business that is not hers to tell.

Telling shit I've only told maybe 3 people.

And using me as an example - not herself !!! - me.

Smh.

Just fucking WOW, bitch. Wow.

_

Thank god SC at least came and rescued me from the mom-induced crazy suicide/whatever the fuck spell.

He then just... passed out on me.

And we didn't do shit.

But... he was a buffer. And I die another day.

So... there's that.

-

Shit is tough w him right now though.

Definitely more harm than good.

When you have fucking nobody

(And you're losing your mind

Cause your body is getting fn destroyed

And you're desperate

Cause surprise Cancer)

Wtf do you do?

-

It hurts A LOT

How much he doesn't love me anymore

How... fucking fast that just dissipated for him

Attempting to have him as my right hand rn is fucking brutal

But... a bitch needs oxytocin.

AT LEAST.

Sigh.

It's just... smh

Idk

Everything changed this month

We waited all month for this month

This month is here

He promised me all this shit

Didn't want me to go

Yadda fucking yadda

It's October 17th

Between my birthday and Cancer

My birthday he was supposedly all over

I just... sigh

It's that fucking bitch

Something changed w her this month

So now... he's back to bare fucking minimum

And being weird as fuck

-

It's like Jesus Christ dude

I'm not trying to get back together

You can't... fucking humor me?

Do a bitch a solid?

Idk. Follow through on ANYTHING?

Anything?! You've offered, promised, whatever?

Smh.

Of course not. Of fucking course not.

I tried to block him FOREVER EVER.

He begged his way back in. Why?

To... be dismissive and weird and make me feel like a fucking pariah? Cool. It's devastatingly not fn helpful.

(This is after fighting w me

And saying just INSANE fucked up shit to me

Since I got diagnosed.

Cool. Cool. Cool.)

So yeah. THIS is what I'm dealing with.

_

If I had it to do all over again

1000%

I should've just left.

Cancer and all

Idgaf. I should've just left.

-

I've spent months trying to build myself back up

Trying to heal

Trying to do all this things...

Just for this month

- this month I thought was going to be my peak fucking month -

To shatter it all away

All fn over again

Smh.

_

I can't imagine treating my worst enemy like this

Or making them feel this alone

In a time like this

Or add drama ffs

Never

-

But these demons around here...

Commited to my demise.

All there is to it.

_

Surely I'll get out of here after this

Fucking surely.

I HAVE to

Or I'm fucking ending it.

I'm not going on like this.

[milfconfusion]

raquel murillo x reader fanfic! since i’ve seen literally NONE ... so let’s get start shall we 😁..

~smut warning~

Raquel began to notice your sudden change in the way you talk with her ever since your small confession the night of her birthday dinner, she didn’t want to point out the way you squirm away from her if she walks towards your direction, or how you stare at her with so much hunger but look away as soon as she sees you. The confession you made to her that night went a little like this ...

~flashback~

“raquel! wait up” you yelled at her while she walks away to her room both of you leaving the rest of the crew behind at the birthday dinner. “whats up y/n?” as she turns around in a sort of excitement? (you thought to yourself but it was probably of exahuastion of the day)

“i just wanted to give you this, since i know you’re going to go wash off and sleep.. didn’t wanna miss you” you nervously chuckled as you handed it to her ... it was the letter you’ve been working on all night. she chuckled back and took it from your hands gently.

She smiled saying “that’s very thoughtful y/n thank you” that smile had you melting.. she looked down holding the letter and up again at you “i should go sleep, i’m pretty drained .. i’ll read it as soon as i make it into my room” she tells you and you undertood. As she walks away she forgets to give you the handshake both of you made up, as she stopped in her tracks to return to you, as you finished the hand shake she laughs and walks away from you leaving you stunned by her beauty yet again..

~end of flashback~

Now here you were, a week later and you haven’t spoken to raquel since. After a lot of over thinking and convincing yourself she hates you... you woke up from a bad nightmare tonight and went to the batheroom quietly as everyone else slept in their rooms soundly. You look into the mirror trying to calm down after the nightmare you woke up from as you do that for a couple of mins you hear the quietest knock on the batheroom door and you snap your neck towards it, scared you might’ve woken up someone (which obviously you did). You open the door to see the most gorgeous woman you have ever laid eyes on... it was Raquel.

“Are you okay? whats wrong?” Raquel said concerned as you looked up at her nervous as hell. “no nothings wrong i’m fine just had a nightmare...did i wake you?” “not at all, i was already awake anyway” you were confused so you questioned her further

“couldn’t sleep either ?” you said with a chuckle at the end so she wouldn’t think you were interrogating her since you both haven’t talked in days.. “yea actually i couldnt... mainly because i’ve been well, thinking about you.”

You looked at her with such love and shock that she even thinks about. “oh really?... i thought you hated me ... because i well thought you were still with the professor” you laughed “what?! are you kidding i could never... and you know the professor and i are long over..” she laughed but you stopped and stared at her smile ... that beautiful smile you never stop thinking of. “is there something on my face y/n...?” as she moved a little closer to you to make you snap out of it. “n-no its just, your smile...there’s something about it that makes me want to never look away”

Raquel blushed and you felt like an idiot, a thousand and one thoughts rushed your head “maybe she does hate me” “what if she just came in here to tell me we’re just friends” “STOP FLIRTING!” but as you thought all of those things she spoke the most reliving words you thought you’d never hear “i read your letter y/n.. i wanted to tell you the next day i read it that i felt the same way but, well i’ll be honest i felt i wasn’t good enough for you.. i was afraid you’d move on.” she looked away from you feeling dumb for thinking those things.

“Raquel, why would you think i wrote that letter just for fun? (you chuckled and so did she) i’ve liked you for so long and i finally grew a pair and asked you out ... sort of? (both laughed again) and frankly i think... i’ve fallen for you even more ever since”

Once you were finished saying that you suddenly felt a pair of lips attached to yours as Raquel slams herself into you. It felt like you both were attached for hours but really it was until you couldn’t breathe anymore.

“wow” is all you could say “wow” apparently all she could say too... suddenly you forgot you were in the restroom having this moment so she pulled you into her room since it was further from the others, closing the door behind you to gently push you against the door (only because people were sleeping, if it weren’t for them she would’ve slammed you into it) she began to kiss you slowly it felt like a dream almost.

Her tongue traced the bottom of your lip asking for intrance which you immediately gave her, her tongue was like the warmest thing you’ve ever felt it made you even more wet almost completely soaked. You knew your panties were ruined for good. As you both faught for dominance she began to pull your shorts down and your shirt off. You were practically panting at how hot she looked trying to untie her pajamas pants string off, you decided to help her as she moved closer to you feeling her breath on you

you managed to get her pants off and shirt, both now in our underwear and bras only. which made you even more wet seeing her like that. As you stared at her suddenly feeling a hand on your pussy which caused you to moan. Raquel was quick enough to shush you by kissing you as you moaned into her mouth. She began pulling your underwear down quickly teasing your now throbbing bud as you moaned her name “raquel please ... i need you” you gasped as she enters one digit into your wet hole whispering into your neck “i want you to ride my fingers until i tell you you’re allowed to cum” you moaned even louder “you have to be quiet cari, you wouldn’t want to wake the others would you?” you realized she’s right as you bit your lip so hard to hold in the pleasing sounds Raquel was making you feel. she began adding two more fingers as she held you up against the door pumping in and out faster as you kissed her moaning into her mouth louder and louder not caring about the others anymore and she felt the same. She felt you clenching around her two digits as she decided to add a third finger you almost screamed her name loud enough to wake up the other “Raquel! I’m so close jesus fucking christ” curse words slipped out of your mouth back and forth “dont cum yet, not until i say so” you felt something warm fall from your lip and onto your chin ... it was blood from biting your lip so hard, but you could careless since Raquel was practically rearranging your insides at the moment. “please mommy i need to cum please!!!” you couldn’t believe you called her that but you honestly didn’t care about anything but her making you cum the hardest you’ve ever came before. she pumped and she pumped with no remorse what so ever, all you could hear is the sound of her fingers slamming against your super wet cunt. “i like that...cum for me, cum for mommy” you moan so loud into her neck tangling your hands into her hair as you road out your high on her fingers since she still had you held up against the door. You were already turned on again by how she was so strong enough to do that. She pushed her fingers into her mouth licking the remains of your wetness and of course cum.

The sight of her doing that made you want to push her into the bed and fuck her all night but as you thought that she spoke “that was incredible..” she chucked “i dont think ive ever came that hard before” you responded with, she looked at you blushing basically proud of herself she was always so cocky. “well i’m 99% sure we woke up the others so there’s that..” we both laughed. Then you leaned into her hoping she’d let you have at least one round on her but she seemed super exhausted and you wondered why... you pulled away before you leaned further “are you tired?” you simply asked “sadly yes, it’s only because i barely had any sleep with you on my mind” you blushed extremely hard ... you were so thankful there was only a dimmed lamp on in her room so she couldn’t see your rosie cheeks. “i’m sorry about that ... i wanted to talk to you but i was so afraid” you said “don’t worry baby” she grabbed the back of your neck leaning in and pecking the plumped lips you owned. “let’s call it a night and tomorrow we can finish this” she smirked as we both hopped into the bed cuddling up for the night.

look , i know this is bad LEAVE ME ALONEEEE

[littlehollyleaf]

Oh my God, your tags on that Dean/Cas Ten/Rose parallel post were exactly what I was feeling scrolling down it. I was also in the minority of DW fandom that couldn't stand that ship (although I loved Rose and read/wrote a ton of fic about her) and I resent that the Destiel hell I've been plunged in for 6 weeks has made me have to reevaluate it(/consider several times how I would have felt if, eg, Jack had somehow created a duplicate Dean to get with Cas in the finale)

HELLO fellow minority non shipper! (did we, in fact, bond over this already??)

UGH though, I had not considered how I'd feel if Dean got a duplicate Cas instead of the real one like happened to Rose...

(though, indecently, way way way back in the day, like S04 or S05, I read an AWESOME FIC where exactly that happened- Cas died helping save the world and Dean was heartbroken and left Sam to be alone for a bit, then he was investigating a case where wishes came true or something and 'Cas' appeared in his hotel room, and they... you know, were intimate and stuffs... only after a bit they both realised he wasn't the real Cas just a fabrication created by the MotW, cos he was Dean's deepest wish/desire... Dean then resented him for a bit, but fake!Cas ended up helping Dean solve the case and faught against his MotW creator, giving Dean just enough time to tell him that he cared for fake!Cas as himself as opposed to just cos he reminded him of real Cas before fake!Cas poofed into nothing once MotW was dead...... it was, you know, ANGSTY AS HELL, but that's my jam :P In the end the experience kinda, helped Dean deal with Cas' death and move on I think...)

ANYWAY. While I disliked the ship and was thus personally chill with Rose ending up in her separate world with Ten2 cos it finally removed her from the narrative (though I was DEVASTATED over the associated end to Donna's story D':), I always felt bad for v the shippers cos it seemed like it would be very unsatisfying for them? Cos (unlike the explicitly and gloriously angsty fic above) it was largely presented as this Happy Ending for Rose? Except, it wasn't? Cos she didn't actually get to be with the Doctor. He was genuinely someone ELSE - not an exact clone, but a blend of the Doc and Donna. So... he wasn't the man she loved? OR, if you do read the relationship as reciprocated, the man who loved her... though he had the memory of loving her I guess (or at least the memory of almost telling her he loved her in an emotionally charged situation where he was saying goodbye to her forever - which I personally will continue to read as being therefore not necessarily meaning he genuinely full on loved her romantically, just that he felt compelled to say it in that moment, so there!).

...there is that last shot of Rose turning to the disappearing TARDIS that maybe suggests her future with Ten2 is not necessarily gonna be completely happy cos it's actually the Real Doctor she'll always be pining after. So maybe many/most shippers DID take it as an angsty/tragic end for both The Doc AND Rose and enjoyed it as such? ...but idk...the show seemed to me to be mostly pushing the idea that it was tragic for the Doc but Satisfying (or bittersweet at least) for Rose, so... *shrug*

Certainly if Dean had ended up with a fake!Cas (like in the above fic but forever, or a duplicate created by Jack like you suggest or a memory!Cas in Heaven or something) and presented it in the same way as Rose/Ten2 I... would NOT have liked it!

...honestly tho the whole deancas-dr/rose thing is just WILD to me.

Cos I was arguing, so LOUDLY and for YEARS, through Drs 9 and 10, that the relationship was one-sided on Rose's side (heck I even felt like Nine kissing her kinda VALIDATED that reading, cos it was him giving her what she wanted to save her and as a last act before he maybe died forever), and while no one ever told me I was crazy or delusional for said reading/option, the sheer widespread assumption that the truth was otherwise def made me an Outsider (I remember watching one of those filler tv shows listing the best / most popular Romantic Moments in tv, cos it was on before whatever else I was about to watch- and it had, like, a love confession scene from The Office and a wedding from a soap and stuff, but we got to #1 and it was fucking Dr and Rose being separated, with the fact they were a mutual romance not even being QUESTIONED and a bunch of random celebs gushing over how painfully romantic the moment was and why they loved it, and I was mentally flipping tables!!).

So yeah - spent pretty much all of the Dr/Rose saga feeling defensive and like my reading/opinion of the relationship was being unfairly dismissed/ignored/not even considered.

Then forward to deancas and, lol, I spend my time feeling EXACTLY THE SAME... but this time I'm actually reading/embracing pretty much the same kind of subtext I was refusing/denying before?? But the widespread assumption is still once again against me?? (with the added bonus of my reading being literally labelled 'delusional' this time).

So yah, two ships that parallel each other that I happen to have been massively emotionally connected to for years and I just... Did Not Win with either of them :P Cos the one I hated was understood and celebrated as explicit canon and the one I loved was never understood as explicit canon (and still isn't I assume) and was often mocked/derided. AND YET it's turned out much of the text for both of them turned out pretty similar...

...wild :P

(of note - even when arguing against Dr/Rose I never denied Rose romantically loved, or crushed on, him, even before her 'I love you', that much was always undeniable to me... and yet even now there are MANY people claiming Cas' final 'I love you' wasn't romantic? ...the parallel really does highlight the prevailing heteronormativity huh?)

[bytemycupcakes]

I hope to not come off as rude. I really don't. It's just, I find it really uncomfortable seeing that you ship Charlie with the person who in your headcanon choked her. Like, you came up with that. It doesn't matter if he's trying everything in his power to make up for it. That's not right. He laid his hands on her. Charlie moved on. She has Vaggie now. And yet you still ship them? Not to mention I think the relationship is very forced if both Lucifer and Mavriks father want it to happen.

Okay I figured this was gonna come up eventually, and dw youre not bein rude at all.

Yeah, anon ya got every right to be uncomfy with it, and Im not gonna say ya gotta put up with me doin what Im doin

However, I am still gonna defend myself here.

1. Charlie and Mavriks relationship was perfectly healthy before he attacked her. His attack (on her specifically) was incredibly out of character.

2. Said attack resulted from Charlie asking him to essentially bottle up his anger. Yes, Mavrik faught often and had some minor anger issues. Charlie asked him to stop fighting to the best of his ability, and him being a dumb teenager bottled his anger as a result. Thus, when he finally let it out, it was months of pent up rage. He didnt realise he was attacking her until it was to late.

3. Yeah Lucifer really wants them to be together, but that really has nothing to do with their relationship. Other than him seeing theres a problem (in his eyes), and aiming to fix it. He choses bad meathods, sure, but Mavrik calls him out on every single one. Mavrik hates what Lucifers trying to do, and even tries to stop it. He’s content in letting Charlie live her life. (As for Mavriks parents: They definitely thought it was cute before and while they were together, after they break up they shrug it off. Lucifer is really the only parent that cares, along with the only one who really knows why they split up)

3.5: The only way Lucifer is really involved is that he forces them to talk, like they really needed to. Neither of them are happy about it at first.

4. Charlies forgiveness doesnt happen over night. Its well into the hotels run-time. (So: Years after highschool) She’s had time to think about it all, and see that what he did was practically nothing compared to the sins the hotel members have done. Even after her initial forgiveness, it takes a bit for them to really get close again. Charlie isn’t just “hell yeah lets be super close again”, shes taking it slow, and has decided to give him a second chance. Essentially, her breaking it off and those years before they become friends again, was Charlie taking her time to process the event. Sometimes when a friend hurts you, you gotta step away from them a bit. Yes something like this seems extreme by our standards, but this is taking place in Hell, things are different there and the reactions to such events will be skewed as a result.

4.5: Bonus to that: Alastors an antagonist who will probably hurt Charlie, Vaggie, and the project alot in canon, yet people ship that . Yes, she is happy with Vaggie. In canon. That fact hasn’t stopped anyone from shipping Charlie and Vaggie with other people

4.5.2: ACTUALLY! Part of my headcanons for this (essentially) au, are that before Charlie even talks to Mavrik again, the hotels going to shit BECAUSE of Alastor, involving multiple attempts on her life. (And no Im not just adding this now to make Mavrik look better, its been in my head for awhile, just couldnt think of a way to mention it)

5. Charlie and Mavrik quite literally grew up together and, before that moment in highschool, dont have a proper memory of the other not being around in some way. It felt weird for both of them to not have who was essentially their closest friend around. Especially when they would still be around the others family.

6. People grow and change. Especially in the late teens and early 20s. Through those years they were split up, Mavrik learned to properly control himself, and Charlie saw how bad people really can be. When Lucifer locks them in that room (which they both chew him out on), they actually talk about what happened, why it happened in the first place, and Mavrik is still constantly apologizing.

7. Most of the shipping for these two that’ll actually be them in a real relationship will probably stay in the Celine universe, where certain hc events are different. I havent decided if them splitting up because of the attack stays or not. Everything else so far is really just them rebuilding their friendship, and maybe a few flings.

8. Eventually my headcanons wont mean anything, cause I really doubt they’re gonna be accurate to canon. In all honestly, I’m betting They’re still fairly close and just drifted apart. I just wanted something extra dramatic to split them up- (thus the wording of the attack itself is exagerated for tension) And ended up getting really attached and started shipping it. Honestly I was scared to even start posting about it because of my hc post.

TL;DR: There’s alotta development between these two between the attack itself and them even willing to talk to eachother. I didnt just shove them together immediately after something like that, because that’d be fucking stupid.

[goodbyejuly]

[Mystical!Dreamies] Werewolf!Jeno

Genre: Fluff, Angst, AU!

Warning: language

[Other Mystical!Dreamies]

Ghost!Renjun Shapeshifter!Haechan Cupid!Jaemin Forest Fairy!Chenle Merman!Jisung

You and Jeno have been friends for years

And not a single thing could ever separate the two of you

Not even the day you found out his true form

Well, it was a little scary seeing him turn into a wolf but, you still knew that the wolf standing in front of you was the boy that you've stuck by for years

Why would you stop now?

To this day you still stand by Jeno in his wolf and human form

"Y/N, do you ever think that there are others like me?" he ask as the two of you wade in a small pond

"Of course. I mean, I highly doubt yourthe world's only werewolf"

"Yeah, but I mean like a family out there. Like a pack of werewolves that I belong to. Maybe I have a mate in there" he says

Mate? Something about that made you sad. What if he leaves me for his destined mate? I don't want to stop him but I wanna lose him

"What, you trying to run away from me or something?" you say jokingly but a part of you fears his response

"No of course not, I just wanna find my real family, my pack. Somewhere where I truly belong"

There's a bit of sadness in his voice

You can't imagine what it's like to be Jeno right now

Living in a place you've called home for all you life knowing you don't belong there

Or finding your true family that you've never seen

"Jeno, I don't want to make any decisions for you but you don't always need a pack. You could be a lone wolf, or, you could stay with me, I could be your pack" you say sincerely

"Thank you, but I don't I wanna be in a pack where I get treated like a puppy" he jokes

"What! You literally act like a puppy though. You love fetch, you're scared of loud noises and-" you smile knowing exactly what would get on his nerves

"Who's a good boy?" you coo

"No Y/N don't start with that." he groans "Who's a good boy?" you continue even after seeing him roll his eyes

"I'm not a puppy so I'm not gonna respond" he says blankly but you continue to smile, already knowing you won

"But to answer you, it's me. I'm a good boy"

"That wasn't so hard was it, puppy? you say before running off knowing he would chase you for that pet name

It's not long until he catches you and holds you tight so you're unable to escape

After a little playful wrestling both of you lay in the grass laughing uncontrollably

Once you calm down you turn over to Jeno only to see him already standing looking at the setting sun

"There's gonna be a full moon tonight. I should take you home before it gets dark"

Even though you've already seen Jeno turn once he still refuses to let you see it again

He says that turning is the time where he feels like a monster and that he'll never forget the fear he saw in your eyes when his body began to change

He helps you up and the two of you walk in silence

"I was serious about what I said earlier. You don't have to go search for you're unknown pack. You have family here. You don't have to go"

He hums in response and continues to look down at the ground

When you reach your home you give Jeno a tight hug "Please be careful tonight" you whisper

"I will. Promise me you won't worry about me too much, ok? Sleep well" he smiles then walks off

You know you told Jeno you wouldn't worry, but that's all you could do

What if he runs away to find his pack?

What if they don't accept him? Would they kill him?

Before you doze off, you hear a distant howl soon followed by a howl in response

When you arrive at school the next day, Jeno was no where to be found

Which wouldn't have been a problem since Jeno never comes to school the day after he transforms

But after the conversation you two had yesterday you could only panic

Did he run away?

To paranoid to go on with your day you sneak out from school and run to Jeno's house

The entire run all you can do is pray that Jeno decided to stay

Once you reach his house you call for him even though you're out of breath

When you make it to his room you're relieved to find Jeno sitting on the floor

But Jeno doesn't even look up as he's to busy studying a map of your town

"Oh, hi Y/N you must be tired from running all the way from our school" you say in a sarcastic tone but Jeno still doesn't look up

Finally giving up, you sit next to the boy as he seems to be stuck in his own world

"Why do you have this map?" you ask

"I'm looking for something" his answer was so monotone it immediately put you off

"Looking for what?" you ask while following Jeno's finger as it moves across the map

You see Jeno's face light up as his finger lands on a certain spot

He swiftly folds up the map and starts to pack a few things in a bag

Where the hell is he going? He hasn't even looked at you since you got here? Jeno never acts like this, especially not to his best friend

You grab his arm in a attempt to stop his movements but all he does is push it off

That was the pushing point for you

"Jeno! What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you seriously gonna act like this?" you never yell at Jeno but you couldn't hold it in any longer

Why is he treating you like this? Like you mean nothing to him

"Y/N, I'm leaving. You should go home" he says so plainly

"Leaving to where? To do what? Just tell me!" you say already fed up with him

"To find my mate. I heard her last night"

"What are you gonna do when you find her, huh? Are you just gonna stay with her and leave all of this behind?" you say pointing at his whole room in hopes he would stop and look at the life he's about to abandon

But he doesn't even lift his head

He keeps packing his bag like it's the most important thing right now

All he does is simply say "Yes"

Words could not possibly describe the anger you felt at that moment

At that sight

At those words

At this whole situation

You were about to release hell on this boy

"You selfless fucker. You're really gonna leave the life you've have here. You're leaving your family, you're leaving me"

"You wouldn't understand Y/N, you're not a werewolf"

"I don't give a fuck what I am or what I'm not. What I do give a fuck about is you leaving everything behind for some bitch you've never even seen!"

Those words seem to get under Jeno's skin

"Don't you ever call my mate that again" he growls

"Or. What. Jeno. What will you do?" you say

You were way too angry to be afraid of him

And you wanted him to know that

It's silent and tense for a moment

"Get out" he says before turning to finish packing his bags

All you can do is laugh

"Fine, I'll leave. Have fun with your bitch and don't ever think about coming back here" you leave and refuse to look back

When you get home your anger fades and is replaced with sadness

You try your best not to cry but tears still fall as a thought replays in your head

You're never seeing Jeno again

You're best friend for what seemed like years is going to find his mate and never come back to you

And to make matters worse he wasn't just your best friend

Over the past few months you've realized Jeno means more than that

You were in love with Jeno

But, none of that matters

Jeno's gone and the life long friendship you two had was gone too

It had been 3 weeks since you last saw Jeno but it still hurts just the same

You cry every night over him even though you tell yourself not to

That it was his stupid decision and that you shouldn't shed a single tear for him

But you do

You cry until you here a knock on your window

You ignore it at first but the knocks continue

So you wipe your eyes and look out the window

You feel mixed emotions at the sight in front of you but you still open the window

"Hello Jeno"

You can see from his red eyes that he's been crying too

"Y/N I-" he struggles to say his words

"Can we talk?" he says while tears fill his eyes "There's a lot that needs to be said"

You nod, opening the window wider so he can climb in

When he makes it in he stares at you for a little then he starts to cry

"I'm sorry for everything I've said and everything I've done. I ruined everything because I wanted to be selfish. I could never ask for your forgiveness but, but I-"

He stops when you start to cry

"No, please don't cry over me. I don't deserv-"

"I missed you so much" you say as you reach out to hug him

Your embrace is enough to break him down completely and the both of cry and hold each other

Sure he had a lot explaining to do but right now you were happy to have him back

After a hour or so, Jeno starts to tell you why he came back

"When I found her I felt like I was reunited with a loved one. Like we knew each other even though we had never met. I stayed with her for a while until I realized the purpose of me having a mate. To reproduce, not to love. I hated being with her. She kept telling me that sooner or later I would have to mate with her or else I serve no purpose and she would kill me. So I faught ever instinct in my body that told me to stay and lived on my own for a while. When I was by myself all I could do was think of you and how much I must've hurt you that day. I couldn't bare the image of you crying because you don't deserve that. I'm sorry, for everything"

You smile when he stops talking

"You wanted love and your mate couldn't give you that?" he hums and nods

"I can. I can give you that"

He's shocked at first, but the he slowly shakes his head

"I don't deserve it. Not after what I did to you. You deserve a good person, not some monster like me"

"Lee Jeno, I cannot stress this enough. You are not even close to being a monster. So what you turn into a wolf at full moons, you're so much more than that. You're a talented caring boy that is worthy of love. You deserve more than just a mate. You deserve a person that will love you till the end of time. Someone who will cherish you. You deserve a soulmate. And, I pray that you'll allow me to be that for you."

He smiles while wiping tears from his eyes

"Do you really mean that?" you nod "I mean it with every fiber of my being"

He looks at your lips, then he looks into your eyes, silently asking for permission

You nod eagerly, wanting nothing more than to be connected to you new found lover

He gently presses his lips to yours and keeps them there for what feels like hours

When you break apart he places a quick peck on your nose to make you smile

"If we're going to date I have one condition" you say and Jeno looks at you eagerly, waiting for you to say what he must do in order to make you happy

"I get to call you puppy whenever I want" you say with a smirk

You see Jeno roll his eyes and he starts to remove himself from you arms

"I think I'll just run away again" he says in a joking tone

"No, don't go. I'll call you doggy instead" you say in between giggles

"That's even worse Y/N" he tries to groan but fails as he burst into laughter

When the two of you finish laughing you climb into your bed and hold each other as you drift into a peaceful sleep

A lot of things happened after that beautiful night

You and Jeno went from life lobg friends to life long lovers

Jeno actually admitted he liked being called puppy

And one of the most important things had happened as well

Whenever Jeno changed, he no longer hid from you after you told him that as his soulmate, you wanted to see everything part of him

Because to you wolf Jeno was still your Jeno

And your Jeno deserved all of your love

[disneydidntteachmethis]

I'm back . Just as broken just as messy.

So the wanderer returns it seems, well Tumblr I've lost count the years since I turned to these pages to poor out the thoughts of my so disasterous soul and once again I am back . Back , in all my messy glory, holding together a thousand broken pieces of my self, teetering on the edge knowing all to well that if someone breathes to hard or if I move to fast I'll fall apart. Leaving each of my shattered pieces all over the floor but there will be no piecing me back together.

Im not sure how this happened , my anxiety is through the roof and I am having suicidal thoughts . I'm sad all of the time and all I want is an escape. It doesn't matter what I do , but still it sits there at the back of my mind and often even the forefront ... My obsession with killing myself and death.

But please let me stop you there and just highlight that I'm not actively suicidal , it's just the overwhelming ideation that I cannot keep at bay. However this doesn't really explain and I feel maybe I should fill you in , I think I'm also trying to piece together how I got here myself to make sense of how I feel so low and so lost .

I'm depressed , I have a diagnosis of depression , anxiety and fibromyalgia (a chronic pain disorder). I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and as I'm.now 24 I would say I've had it since at least 13 but I was diagnosed at 18. I've had anxiety for not as long my anxiety mainly became an issue around 2 years ago . I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2017 in the Christmas but once again I'd definitely faught it for longer.

I was in a relationship, around two years ago now and quite honestly that was where I fell apart . My anxiety went through the roof and I couldn't bare to be separated from him , I literally tore our relationship apart. I suffocated him beyond belief , because of this he eventually left and I don't blame him for that . The arguements , the amount I needed him was to much , I was too much . I was in hospital at the time my fibromyalgia had flared and I'd gotten to sick again , the pain was out of control .

We argued. He walked out of me in my hospital bed and it was over.

Once he left I had a break down , I wanted to die I often just obsessed with ways to kill myself . I spent so many times running from home , id stay out because I couldn't face my family , the empty bed I now slept in and pretending I was okay. I often went to his to make him talk to me , to fix it , cause he loved me still surely he still loved me ... Someone had to love me . But he didn't no matter how hard I tried he didn't love me anymore and he didn't want me at all. So he was gone .

Then it happened.. I self harmed . I managed to live without doing it for so long but I caved I broke and religiously I tore myself apart because I just wanted to die. Why didn't I kill myself ? Because I couldn't hurt my family anymore than I already had. I eventually picked up the pieces I saw a councillor , took my pills and I got myself back together to some extent but I wasn't happy . And now here I am in July 2019 and I'm so far from okay.

The here and now ....

Ive just got back off my holiday I went away for ten days , before that I was beyond stressed work wears me down and I never feel good enough. I am sad all the time , I feel I'll and my body hurts. I'm anxious about my health , about leaving the house and about large groups of people . I worry often about many things. Then it came back , that feeling that need to escape I keep thinking about the what ifs, what if this morning I take two to many cocodamols to numb the pain , may 6... What if I was to walk out in front of a car now would it hit me .... I craved self harm it was all I thought off but with my holiday looming I knew I couldnt cave because if I did there would be no hiding it on a beach. But it was okay I convinced myself that my holiday would fix everything.

Then I went on holiday and it carried on the thoughts creeped in ...what if I walked into the Indian Ocean and I just kept going in the dead of night . What if I don't wake tomorrow ? Would that better than me trying to live in this life of pain and anxiety ?. I was still anxious on holiday. All of the time. It wasn't better. I'm not better.

Last night I saw my best friend and it all came out . I told him everything , I told him I wasn't actively suicidal but I did obsess with killing myself. I told him I didn't want to be here and he held me close while I cried. I thought telling someone would make it okay but it didn't change anything however it did make me feel safer because what I didn't tell him and the part I left out.... I'm scared of what I might do cause it's all to much .

Then today happened , I just want to run to my best friend and cry but he's busy and I'm happy that he is . My other best friend wouldn't get it I couldn't speak to her. As I sit on my parents bed I feel it the throbbing in my body . My wrists throb and my legs do to, the cravings back the hunger.. I need to cut myself apart. I need to feel it , I lie on the bed curled up trying to sleep . I nod off , when I wake it's still there the throbbing but now I feel sick and I feel like I'm suffocating. So I run to the bathroom and I cave.. I don't cry I'm not upset and I'm calm cause I need to get this out.

I sit and keep going over and over, cutting . I clean and dress it. I'm okay . This feeling is one to familiar. But in the moment I am calm no tears nothing all I can feel is the cuts I now wear my mind is clear, I'm not anxious or worried because I know what I'm doing ... But now I'm scared it's months since I left self harmed so I can't even imagined what I've now started. Maybe this time I won't know how to stop .

[tarynnlife]

Cheating ass

Finally I am back to be able to express myself and how I feel. Well let’s see I started dating you 10*30*14 so almost 2 and half years ago. Wow what we have gone through since then. You were the love of my life and I didn’t want anyone to tell me different. I really didn’t think it would have lasted this long at all. I thought you would have left me sooner but you faoght through just like I did. Through thick and thin we made it we at least I thought so. You were in and out of jail which was super hard on me. But I was there to support you through it all. I had your back no matter what people had to say about you. I stood up for you a of the time because you literally ment everything to me. I loved you more than I can explain. Ya know the summer that we started to hang out and see each other I really thought that things were going to be different. We lost the connection we had. Then a few months later we were back to each other. At first I was really nervous because I didn’t know what I was getting myself into being that you had a daughter and a son on the way. I didn’t think that it was going to be easy in anyway but I was ready to take all of that on. I was ready to be that step parent and take care of them just as if they were my own. Things got out of hands in the beginning so much was being said about me and it was hard but I faught for what I thought was right and that was you. My parents had heard so much about you and them not liking you but grew to know that I wasn’t letting you go because of what they had heard. I gave up a lot of my family time to spend with you. I gave up friends to be with you. I gave my all up for you. When I said you were the love of my life i ment it. I sacrificed my all for you. I moved in right away I couldn’t say no to you. The way you asked me took me. We both laughed cuddled and thought this is what we wanted. Well at least I did. I came at the wrong time you being in and out of jail was over the top hard on me. Finally we moved into the house together with a friend whom in the beginning I really thought that you were seeing and come to find out you werent. From there I felt as if our lives were ready to start. I was happy to be spending my all with you. Well you ended up going to jail and I didn’t think it was going to be easy so I moved home your brother happened to be living with us so I figured he would do just fine at the house. We’ll after you got out I had moved in with your parents. Things I thought were going to be good well it seemed that way I had a job so I was paying for most of what had to be paid. I was okay with it because you did have some income at the time. Well my birthday came around and everything went south. You got mad because I was so excited it was my birthday and I was thanking people for wishing me a happy birthday. You had a warrant out you took off on foot well by then I didn’t know where you had gone. Everything seemed to be over until that night when you called me and apologized. I went to visit cried so hard because I couldn’t stand the fact of you being on the other side of the glass and me not being able to touch you or kiss you. You cried like you did care. Well you sat maybe 2 or 3 months. We moved back into the trailer and things changed we started out happy again. You were happy and so was I. Well not long after that you were gone for a year. You were picked up and I couldn’t do it. I stayed at the house because your ma talked me into it. My parents wanted the best for me and that was for me to just move home. I fought through and did it by myself for a year. Supporting you and the house. Super stressful on me. But when you came home I was in a whole new world I couldn’t sleep that night. I stayed up all night long waiting for you be walking out those doors. I had to work and so did you but I was so fucking happy because you were home again were you belonged. I know there were a couple of cases I would have to deal with but I knew that I could do it because I knew how hard it truly was doing it for a year but it was so worth the wait. Well it only lasted 3ish months before we found out that I was pregnant and then everything came crashing down. I have had a really hard pregnancy so far being sick all of the time. I lost my job, you had a job but stopped going you fell back into your old ways which I was okay with but then it just got to be to much you were gone all of the time. I didn’t feel like you loved me. I felt like you thought what you were doing was more important. We began to fight more and more. It all ended up going south. You left at 11 am on a Thursday and never came back home. At that point I knew it was over I tried calling you and texting you. You didn’t respond at all. So me balling my eyes out just called your mom told her I was leaving. Come to find out two days later that you moved some girl into the house. You still didn’t speak to me at this point I was pissed. If you moved her in that quick how long were you guys really fucking around? You just started talking to me a week later but only worried about the dogs and if you can have them or I should say nikko. I keep telling you no, you cheated on me I shouldn’t have to deal with the separation that I am already dealing with. I want to be a family again. I want to feel whole. I want the weight lifted off my chest and for things to be sane. I want us to start over from the beginning were neither of us knew what to say. I wish that you would have talked to me so we could have worked things out. But you moved on right away telling me that you did what was best for our friendship…. we never had a friendship we had a relationship we were together for almost 3 years well at least I thought. How long were you really cheating on me for? Did you really love me like you said you did? Why did you hurt me like you did? Now I have to put my child through so much. If you think I am going to allow her around my kid you are wrong. I’m sorry but she is nothing good for you and has caused so much shit for so many people. How can someone cheat on someone for liking a picture? That is over the top. How can she claim to have loved this guy for so long after he passes away and then turn around and sleep around with 3 or 4 different guys since then making you number 5. That doesn’t show how much she really cared about him. I really hope this makes you realize what you really did have and how much I really did do for you. I really did love you and I really did see me spending the rest of my life with you. But instead you just chose to distance yourself thinking it would make things better. I’m hurt by the fact that you did admit to me that you did cheat on me. No wonder why you were gone so damn much. But like I had always said if you are capable of doing it to her you’re capable of doing it to me. I set myself up for this. I wanted things to be different. I guess I pushed to hard and should have just let you do what you wanted. I love you and will always have something that I feel for you. I hope that you are able to see what you have caused for me. I wish you would just grow up and step up. I wish you the best and hope things go alright. I should have stayed single because then I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this. I am now going to be blessed with a beautiful child. I’m beyond scared and have been fighting demons inside to keep myself from doing anything that I would regret. One being just leaving to save the pain for myself in the long run. I’m fighting everyday to become a stronger me and be who I want to better my life for my child. I just bought a car have a few bills to pay yet and then I’m spending the rest on the baby and getting this thing on my arm covered up. Cheaters suck and ruin a lot of life for you. Trust will never be the same.

[ceriousc]

My Story

Just was watching an Alayna Joy video and it inspired me to talk about me for a minute. If it helps anyone then I'm glad I shared. Even if that one person it helps is just me. Here goes. I'm 42. I'm American. Born and raised here. I actually strongly hate being called African American. British people are just British, Canadians are just that. We are literally the only country doing this race thing. I'm human race and I'm over it. But I digress. When I was a child I was molested. My older teenage cousins male would touch me in places, rub their privates against me, until I thought it was normal. I remember asking an adult about the actual act and not saying it was being done to me. I was told it was called sex and we don't discuss that ever. Eventually it began to happen to me in my life quite often because I was taught so young not to talk about it I didn't. I remember trying to fit in with older female cousins. I was introduced one day to a game called hide n go get it. The rules were explained to me we seperated and we all split up while young boys searched for us in our hiding spaces. During this time I was caught and was told I had to have sex with a boy. I was 8 at the time. I preceded to go along with it. By this time it wasn't a big deal to me after all of the other stuff going on at the time. Everyone ridiculed and laughed at me. 8 years old being called a slut when you haven't even had the opportunity to develop yet. By 13 my aunt was paying me to watch her kids while her and her husband were supposed to go to work on the weekends. It was great. I'd spend from Thursday night to Sunday at their house. Early one morning after my aunt left for work. It had to be around 5:30ish in the morning, I was woken up by my nightshirt being pulled up and someone pressing their entire body on top of mine. Private being rubbed against my butt hands clasped over mind. Face down almost suffocating inside a pillow. There was a conversation on the way home later. I was told I was attractive. I know I wanted it. We were together now. This was my new hell. After a couple times I couldn't take it. I told someone and apparently I found out years later that an adult overheard and I was bragging about this. Mine you I was 13 at the time. He was in his 30's and married to my aunt and they had children together. But it was my fault I was bragging. I'm off track again. Anyway I stopped going over. He sent me roses and a card. My mother was immediately like what the hell. This isn't something am uncle sends to his niece. I tell her what happened. She believed me. We went to the police. I wasn't a virgin. Strike one. He is military. He took a polygraph test and passed. I get free counseling he gets nothing. My aunt later finds out he's on drugs. They get a divorce he leaves. He then marries a 17 year old girl. He's late 30's. Atleast she's legal but I'm a homewrecker now. I literally spend the rest of my teenage years being drunk and promiscuous. I realized early on in life that I was a lesbian. This was me punishing myself. Hating myself and just believing this is what I deserved. I remember crying and being depressed and self harming. Some people actually told my Mom I was a witch. I don't know why or where that came from but yeah my life. 15 I discovered strippers living on the next street over from my house. I was in heaven. That became my new hangout spot. I would give them back rubs, go to the store for their props ( honey, whip cream, baby oil etc.) I also got to take money at the door, take money in the kitchen while handing out plates of food and drinks. I did have to wear a button down white shirt tied up under my breast and short shorts. I had a grown up body by then. The owner wanted me to sleep with him but at that time I didn't care. I was making money and hanging around good looking totally naked women. School was horrible. I was the known slut. Home was even worse because well same. This house and job were my only outlet. My saviour from suicide. Until people who knew my family eventually told them that I was a dancer there which wasn't even true. But my life changed drastically after. I called that my rock bottom moment. I remember watching a show when I was an adult and the character said just because I'm next to hookers and dressed fancy doesn't mean I'm a hooker. I couldn't help but laugh because it's insane but so very accurate. I was so depressed I would cry all of the time. I wanted to die so badly. I remember praying to be ugly so guys would just leave me alone. If I were fat and ugly then no one would want me. My life would be better. So I stopped dieting, exercising, showering. Anything healthy I stopped doing it. Sad to say that carried over into my adulthood but we are still at teenaged me who now bad getting teased for bad hygiene. I eventually kind of cleaned up my act by junior year so I had to be 16 going on 17. I got accepted into a vocational during the morning and regular school the afternoon. I also got a job. A real tax write off job. So I wasn't drinking, I was pretty decent with my hygiene. No one told me about shaving or importance of skin care or just taking care of yourself in general. I was pretty good though. I had a steady boyfriend. Yep trying to fit in again. I wasn't doing good at school at this time. Bullying was a huge problem so I just started going to work after vocational school. Got incompletes like I thought so I just went to summer school and aced my classes. My steady boyfriend was upset because we weren't having sex. Sex became something I associated with depression and anger. It's a punishment. I didn't get why he was so upset we weren't doing that. Also he'd buy me flowers and make hair and nail appointments for me. I kept wondering why because when we met nothing about me said I was into those things. The only time I would dress up was if I had to for our class interviews or presentations. He started popping up at my job to surprise me with gifts and just get upset because he couldn't find me. Then it would turn into I came up to your job you said you were working where were you. My job I could've been doing a number of things. Cleaning out break room stalls in the back. We couldn't hear speakers back there and at that time loudspeakers were all we had. I hated doing cashiering so I avoided that typically anyone so I'd probably be outside waiting for stock trucks so I can do that. Outside can't loud speakers therefore can't get called to the register. We ended up breaking up after he proposed and we just realized we weren't right for each other. He was a great guy he just wasn't for me. I went back to punishing myself though. Blamed myself for our break up. My grades suffered, I lost my job, and just went to bad habits which included sleeping around again. Also went back to the strippers because they brought me joy. This older guy with money started checking me out. I ended up sleeping with him. It became a thing. I ran away from home and started living on his house boat. It was great at first. I was 17 with my own space. My mom was running around the neighborhood with posters asking have you seen this girl. I was a piece of shit for that. Yes I know. We left Michigan and we took a few strippers with us and moved to Florida. It was wild. The guy bought me clothes and other stuff I needed but he kept hinting at us starting a family. I was trying to figure my shit out. It scared me. We were in Pensacola Fl. When I got hit for the first time. My jaw and eye were swollen. I thought some of my teeth got knocked out too but they were still intact. We argued alot. Faught for a week and then he raped me. I thought the molestation was bad but being raped is 100 times worse. I can't even describe it. My friend immediately came when I called. I didn't want a hospital, no police, I just wanted to shower forever and die. That was my plan. Shower and die. I finally healed enough on the outside that I went home to my parents. I got home and didn't tell anyone about him. Hey I ran to Florida with some strippers. Think whatever you want. I couldn't stay at my house for long. I was having a hard time dealing with anything. Guy kept calling threatening my life and with everything else happening I left again. A guy I would hangout with was still a virgin I thought he was nice. He liked me he was going to Lansing for awhile. I went with him and his family. Me and him were sharing a room we had sex. He didn't see how painful that first time after messed with my head. I smiled got up hopped in the shower and balled my eyes out. Just cried until he knocked on the door. I didn't have any clothes so I had to share with him. I big breast and was walking around with a football Jersey and no bra looking like trash. That's how I was treated. He was nice. He bought me food, and anything that I needed he was cool about. He didn't know the Florida stuff I was dealing with. He knew what was going on at home but he didn't get to find out about Florida. No one did until now. I ended up finding out he was related to me. It's so important to find out your history for reasons like this. So yeah we ended up being cousins. I ended going to prom with my cousin as just my cousin although we had already slept together. Took pictures got my yearbook signed. The next day I joined the Navy. I had a whole year to train and get back in shape. I didn't do that. By the time the departure date came around I had changed my mind about going. I was told I signed up and I had to go. I found out later that wasn't true. There I was in the military. Not shaven. Terrible hygiene. Just overall terrible human being. Not into this. Hate authority figures. Can't stand rules of any kind. So we get haircuts. Uniforms. I rage first atleast two weeks straight. There is only 8. I see some women that I'm attracted to out of 80 women it was bound to happen. Then we have to run. Running was always horrible for me and I found out why. In the Navy where we run every morning. I had an asthma attack. They gave me treatment. I went to my barracks. More running another attack. I forget what day or what week stuff happens but I still get PTSD from coming on my period there. Outside no bathroom around. Immediate bathroom that is. Anyway my period came early. Probably due to stress. Messed up my uniform. There are certain days for you to wash your clothes. People have to clean those washers and dryers probably if they are not cleaned properly the whole crew gets demerits. My menstrual has always been horrible. Military was 10 times worse. I made it through to the end of the menstrual. I was constantly told my hair was growing too fast I needed it cut again. Didn't do that. Couldn't fold my bedding correctly. Was told to shave for swimming I didn't do that either. I know what you are thinking. I agree. I'm there with you. Hygiene has always been a struggle for me. It's my defense mechanism. It's how put a wall up since I can't put a physical one up. I ended up stepping on this girls foot who I didn't know while marching and wearing steel toe boots. We clicked immediately. Fast friends. I fell in love shortly after and didn't know it. I just knew I had to always be around her. I remember once going to the shower. I saw her waiting in line. The way we did showers were two people to a stall. I would've had to shower with her if I hadn't turned around and traded clean up days with a friend so I could shower last and alone. Later before I could jump into bed she asked me why I left showers. I completely played the wtf are you talking about card. She's like I saw you walk in. I'm like oh I didn't see you. I forgot something then just decided to study some more for that test tomorrow. Now everyone knew I didn't do the physical part of training before bootcamp but I memorized that entire book we were given by our recruiter. Basically I just could skim it and it would all come back to me. Graciously she let it go and I went to bed but this kept going for weeks. One day she finally said I know a girl back home like you. I was horrified and shocked. I never had been with a woman, hadn't kissed a girl, nothing with a girl except love her from afar so when she called me on it I was speechless. I went to bed. We had a qualifying run the next day and I think my panic attack I was already having, mixed with asthma attack, and almost became a heartattack. Either way I was told right before graduating and after receiving awards for most improved cadet that I had to leave. 7th week 2nd day only five more days to go. I wouldn't graduate. We laid in bed and I got to hold her and tell her goodbye as we cried. She didn't love me but we were friends and I still miss her dearly. My life didn't get much better after that. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I did some terrible things in my life. I had some terrible things done to me. I came out as bi after bootcamp. I was raped two more times. I have grown to try and deal with it. Alot of people blame me identifying as lesbian now as it has or had something to do with me being raped or molested. I can honestly say that for as long as I can remember I've always loved women. I've always been attracted to women. I have acknowledged a man being handsome. I have consentually dated and slept with men. I just realized when I became older those moments were never for the right reasons. Everyone story is different. Your isn't going to be my story. You might hate everything that I've said. That's fine if you do. Your a human being. You matter.. Your ideas matter and I love you for your diversity! Love one another!!