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starryknightace · 5 years

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I had Top Surgery! (Post Op 1 1/2 Weeks pics)

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Suprise! I had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It was a bit of a process to get to that point and i was literally counting down the hours til i went under. I kept joking to people i was most excited about my "induced 4 hour nap" more than anything. I got to my day surgery clinic early in the morning, to which i got changed into scrubs, was told to wait under a blanket to keep my body warm, and met with the nurse, anesthetist and my surgeon for pre op discussions. Then i was escorted into the operation theatre where i hopped on the table, got nice and comfy with blankets, tubes, oxygen mask annnnddd.... woke up 4 hours later forgetting i had surgery 🤣

I did this in my last surgery (which in comparission was more terrifying cause i had blood in my mouth and couldnt remember what happened to me), but i woke up and couldn't work out where i was, why i felt so dizzy and how i got clothed 🤣 i spent about 2 hours in the recovery room sat in a recliner chair dozing off, except to eat (cause i had been fasting prior) and drink. I did try to pee but couldn't which was frustrating 😅 then i was taken home, where i promptly went to sleep lol

I had my drains in for 72 hours and they were the worst part of recovery. I carried bottles in a pillow case and they had be be positioned lower than my chest at all times. Luckily i wasn't able to move much and while i was on strong pain medication i mainly slept. I had my mum stay with me for a week and i'm thankful she did cause she really saved my butt by doing everything for me (i really had to let go of my control which was weirdly hard, i just felt bad making her do things for me but she was happy to). The drains were uncomfortable and by the morning there were to be taken out i was really hurting where they were inserted. After they were taken out it was a blessing and recovery got A LOT easier. I had shallow baths every few days and my mum helped me was my hair. I had baby wipes for my armpits and chest area which again saved me from being stinky. I still mainly slept, or watched tv shows with my mum up until she left. She prepped me a LOT of meals before she left so i wouldn't have to cook.

Sleeping on my back was probably the most uncomfortable part (after the drains), because i'm a stomach sleeper. I have been managing to sleep though which has been nice (and Maple has been good, sleeping beside me all through the night!). I've been sleeping elevated to help with swelling. I actually got told off by my nurse while doing my week post op check up cause i was still doing too much. I went to Uni for a 6 hour workshop that day too and went to a costume showcase that night. Safe to safe i was exhausted the next day and didnt do much but sleep.

So i'm still quite swollen and bruised 1 1/2 weeks in, which will eventually settle down. my nipples seem to be taking well so crossing fingers the blood returns. I was worried about puckering but being able to closely examine my chest it's due to the swelling at the moment so hopefully that goes down too.

All in all i can't stop smiling at my chest - i finally feel like myself 😁

Some tips for those looking to have Top Surgery based on my experience:

MEDICINE

I have a high pain threshold - i was willing to go to uni a week post op because i could stand to - would recommend people booking off at LEAST 3 weeks prior to work/study if you can help it. I have only one class per week at the moment and its only theory so thats why i was able to travel and even then i was taken pain killers ever 4 hours.

In my mother's words "don't be a hero, if you need to take pain relief, do it". Best advice. I've weened myself off pain killers to 2 just before bed (panadine forte), or before i need to go out and do things (genral paracetamol). If you need to take more just do it - also write down when you've taken things (because its good to know how much you've had per day!) You can take iburofen and paracetamol intermittedly in 4 hour intervals (eg. Iburofen at 12pm, paracetamol at 2pm, another dose of iburofen at 4pm, etc).

You'll also be taking antibiotics - generally 3 times a day with meals. I also took probiotics 2 hours after taking my antibiotics to avoid the sideaffects of them (eg. Mouth Ulcers (which i did get dang it), thrush, etc).

I was also taking strong pain killers (for the first few days i took 2 every 4 hours then weened down to one per night). Be careful with strong pain killers - the thing doctors/people don't tend to mention is that they can be addictive/dependent drugs. Sometimes you would prefer to keep taking them and that can be an issue. I asked my surgeon at my 1 week if i could please get one more script of something a little stronger than paracetamol to take a night and it took a bit more of a discussion to get it. If you can try to get by on the paracetamol alone do so and remember you can alternate with iburofen every two hours.

WEIRD BOWELS

With all these medications you'll more than likely get constipated so adding to the list of medications i also took good ol' laxatives. The first poop after surgery was like 3 days later and it hurt 😅 the laxatives helped me after to soften my stools (cheat mode is when you're lactose intolerent and you eat a bunch of cheesecake whoops 😅). Also peeing was weird for the first week due to the anesthestics in me. It took me ages to pee, sometimes i had the feeling of needing to pee but nothing happened, and i was peeing like, every hour.

SUPPORT

Both in furniture sense and people sense.

My mum was my main support especially in the first week. She looked after me, my house and my cat. She grabbed things i couldn't access, drove me to my appointments, managed my medicine, cooked me food and generally just helped me around the place. Originally i only wanted her there for a few days but im glad she was there cause i was sore and out of it most of the time. Alongside her my two best friends were also a massive help - coming over to keep me company, drive me places, help me do my grocery shopping, tell me off for overdoing it, gave me plenty of entertainment (thanks to katie i finished wind waker!). Get yourself some support and let go of that control, you will honestly be too tired and sore to do anything anyway.

Make sure you get yourself some comfy pillows. I got myself a U shaped pillow and it has so far saved my neck so much pain. I sleep elevated which means more pillows to prop myself up. And pillows for my couch.

WASHING

So for the first 72 hours i was just a gross gremlin with dry shampoo because of the drains. My chest was covered in bandages so i couldn't wash that area anyway. After the drains were removed i was told i could have showers, but i opted for shallow bathes anyway. I was able to wash myself fine (just go slow), then i would put pants on and get my mum to help wash my hair. After my 1 week check up i started having showers, but stood out of the stream. I only have tape to cover my stitches now (i took them off for the photo) so am able to carefully wash parts of my chest and back i couldnt get to before. I can now wash my hair (slowly). Raising my arms is still not easily fesable but i can lift them to a certain point.

EMOTIONAL

Now, i wasn't as emotional as i thought i was going to be but i do know other trans guys who said they went through bouts of depression after their surgery. Its something to look out for. For me, it was emotionally draining to talk to people about it constantly. I didn't mind though and it was nice people checked up on me but it did wear me out. Its always good though to check in with your emotional state throughout to see how youre feeling. It's not an inmediate grattification, the swelling and bruising is a lot and it won't look right for a while. Also leading up to surgery people can feel fearful and doubtful, always chat to a loved one about your feelings! Personally i had no nerves leading up to surgery but afterwards i was constantly worried that i wasn't healing right. Talking to your surgeon will HELP trust me!

SCARRING

Ok this was a big shock to me so i hope this helps other people but scar medication/ointments don't actually work. I asked my surgeon about it and as a skin professional who has been studying the effects of scarring for over 40 years - this is a beauty scam you don't need to bite into.

"Time and your genetic biology are the only ways that help your scars heal, sorry to burst your bubble but save your money on that placebo".

Looking after yourself the first few months post op will help you get good results later.

Of course i understand if people will still want to buy scarring products but thought i would post the words of a professional too 😅 don't shoot the messenger on this one. And if you do decide to use the stuff then wait 6 months before doing so.

I think that's all i can think of at the moment. There's a really good private facebook group for top surgery and i got a lot of my info from there. If people are curious feel free to DM me, send me an inbox and i'd be happy to chat as best i can! My experience is based in Australia so people might have different expectations/experiences in different countries!

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈💛💛💛🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

#top surgery #ftm #transition #transgender #mascetomy #surgery #post surgery #gender transformation #gts #gender transformation surgery #tumblr dont shoot me there are no nip nops and no mentions of milk sacts flesh #long post #long read #under the cut #double mascetomy #double incision

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thestuckylibrary · 5 years

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Group Ask 144

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Please send us an ask stating which group ask and which person you are replying to. Thank you so much in advance!

Anon 1 said:

Hey! I’m trying to find a fic where Bucky calls Steve accidentally and they end up having phone sex? I’ve tried looking everywhere for it and can’t seem to find it anywhere, would you perhaps know which one this is? :) thanks!

Anon sent in I'm with you on the end of the line by lets_get_messi (oneshot | 3,473 | E)

Anon 2 said: (rape/noncon)

Hi I think I’ve sent this in before but I was wondering if you know the fix where Bucky finds Steve years after they were separated but it’s set during ww2 and Steve is forced to work as a sex worker/slave for Schmidt? At the end Bucky assassinates hitler? And they run away together? Sorry it’s vague

Anon sent in Like Rahab* by moonythejedi394 (complete | 131,789 | E) *rape/noncon

Anon 3 said:

hi, can you help me find a fic where (i think) bucky is part of avengers and steve isn’t captain america (sam is if i remember correctly) and they don’t know who steve is. bucky gets hurt (poison?) and doesn’t let avengers touch him (he never does), and steve shows up, all big and protective, and the team is confused how he got in and astonished when he calls the deadliest assassin a pet name and lets steve touch him. thank you very much!

harratus sent in but you only get half of the story by Hazloveshisboo (oneshot | 2,008 | G)

whyaretheycalledpancakes and Anon sent in A Matter of Pride(?) by Quarra (complete | 5,918 | M)

Anon 4 said:

Hey i am looking for a fic during the war where steve made prayers or promises to god about Bucky and his last one is not to be in this world without Bucky and he thinks about that when putting the valkyrie in the water

100percentlenny said:

ok so I’ve been trying to find this one fic for the past hour. I used to be able to find it so easily but now I can’t. it’s a long fic, where steve and bucky attend an art school and meet a guy who is open to gayness. then steve gets sick after trying to make it home during the snow. they go to that guy from school’s apartment. a doctor’s there at one point. bucky confesses feelings to steve when he thinks he can’t hear because steve is sick. I forgot what happened after that though :/ thanks:)

harratus sent in Gravitation by Odsbodkins (oneshot | 18,158 | E)

Anon 5 said:

I read a fic a while ago where Bucky lived alone and had OCD and PTSD maybe? I think he was a veteran. He always went to this diner late at night when he had nightmares, had a whole schedule, always getting the same thing, knew the waitress. And then he moves in with Steve for some reason, I don't remember, and it gets him off his schedule. Living farther from the diner, trying to hide his OCD. And he knew Steve from earlier in life, I think.

dolphinqueen10 sent in G.I. Joes and 2AM Diners by OhCaptainMyCaptain (complete | 100,481 | E)

captainsso18 said:

Hi! Love the work you do! I’m looking for a post civil war fic, and I tried checking the tags but didn’t see it. Basically Steve decides to stay in Wakanda when Bucky is in cryo and lives in a village where he starts to learn the language and fit in. He fishes (which doesn’t go well) and gets sick from the water at the start of the story. Bucky comes out of cryo later on in the story and moves into Steve’s hut and gets to know everyone and is impressed by Steve’s fluency. Anyone know the fic?

Anon 6 said:

Ok I'm losing my mind trying to remember a fic I read a while back, hoping you can help: Its a Modern AU, steve is older than bucky, pretty sure it was Sugar Daddy AU (but im not finding it in those tags). Basically Bucky is a student, super broke, steve becomes his Sugar Daddy and then Angst (argue about state of relationship, bucky leaves). The big reunion is Steve showing up at Bucks slummy apartment all 'never shouldve let you leave' and romance ensues (vague ik). Thanks for all you guys do!

Anon 7 said:

I have literally been searching for this fic for AGES, and I really need your help! So, in this fic, Tony and Natasha watch live security feed of Stucky having sex, and they both get turned on. Natasha leaves after a bit, and Tony continues watching, and when Steve and Bucky are finished, they say, to the camera, something along the lines “We know you’re there, Tony” Please please help me find this fic!

Anon sent in Hands-Free by OhCaptainMyCaptain (oneshot | 13,961 | E)

Anon 8 said:

sorry for asking again (i dont even know if my first one went through) but i seem to have exhausted the search functions and i just can't find these two fics. the first one is a funny where steve thinks bucky and peter is a thing and hes really jealous/lonely even though its not true. the second one i cant remember much of the plot except that bucky goes on a mission and will be without communication for a while; when he leaves he tells steve that he'll work him over real good when he gets back

Anon 9 said:

Hi! There was this amazing fic I read that I can’t find! It something about Steve and Bucky being each others missing pieces and I remember there was something about how they slept like another was supposed to be there and the team is trying to figure it out. Please help!

Anon 10 said:

I read a fic in like 2016 where Steve painted flowers on Buckys arm and it was when I first joined the fandom and was wondering if you could find it for me? Thanks!

time-lord-no-more sent in Always Towards the Sunshine by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen) (oneshot | 1,958 | G)

Anon 11 said: (dubcon, alcohol)

I read this doc a while ago, and I cannot remember what the name of it was. It was about pre-serum Steve. Bucky went out with a girl and cane home drunk. He ended up having sex with Steve, and he didn’t remember in the morning and Steve didn’t tell him.

Anon 12 said:

Hi, I'm looking for a fic, and I remember that Bucky tried every meal they gave Steve for poisoning or something like that and I don’t remember the name

Anon 13 said:

I'm looking for a fic where I think Steve was like a famous artist and one of his most popular paintings was of Bucky like right after he came home from war, sitting in a chair? And the painting is titled "the winter soldier". Later in the fic after some recovery is done, Steve's like can I paint you again and so there's a second painting but of Bucky looking happier and healthier and the whole time they kept Bucky anonymous but i think at the end they do like an interview?? Thanks

#group asks

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redrobinfection · 5 years

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(15) Horror Movies

SociallyAwkwardFox’s Spooktober - Day 15 “Horror Movies”

~*~

Tim loves his boyfriends. So, so much. But one thing that Jason and Dick both love that Tim just can’t wrap his head around: horror movies.

They’re watching one right now, the third of a trilogy Jay and Dick love, and Tim is sandwiched between them on the couch, feeling faintly ill.

Jay and Dick are the kind of people that get that something from a horror movie, the adrenaline or the enjoyment of their terror or whatever it is that hooks people. Tim isn’t and he gets nothing but is a sick feeling in his stomach and the impression that all the color has been sucked out of the world.

It isn’t the scenes themselves that get to him, because as terrible as it is to admit, he’s seen and experienced thing just as terrible, maybe worse, in his time as Robin. All of them have. Brutal serial killings, human trafficking tragedies, figurative and literal monsters left and right, not to mention the rogues. A run-in with Scarecrow’s fear toxin? That would make most horror movies seem like a pleasant summer picnic. Chasing and being chased by Killer Croc in the sewers in the dead of night? Monster B-flick gold. And the Joker? ‘Nough said.

No, for Tim it’s more about the way the scenes are presented - the cold, dark filters; the unnatural lighting; the haunting music and grisly sound effects. It turns a factually horrifying scene into an garish exaggeration, like a scene from one of his nightmares - you don’t fully believe its real, but it still strikes a chord deep in your psyche.

He can handle one movie. Easy to shake off. Maybe two, in the daytime. But tonight they watched three, using their one night off from patrol to stay up into the wee hours of the morning–as if they would ever think use that time to catch up on sleep or something.

Three-quarters of the way through the third movie, Jason notices Tim getting twitchy and asks if he’s okay.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just getting late. I keep nodding off and then every time someone screams, I jump awake again,” Tim tells them, playing it off with a laugh. Dick and Jason laugh with him.

“No problem, Babybird, we’re almost done. We’ll let you sleep in peace soon enough.”

“Did you mean 'rest in peace’, Jaybird?”

“Ugh, Dick, staaaahp.”

They laugh and kiss over Tim’s head, then come at him from both sides when he makes a disgruntled noise for being squished between them, showering him in kisses and noogies and awkward side hugs. The warm moment of affection between the three of them almost distracts Tim away from the grim mood affected by the movies. Almost.

When they settle down into bed an hour later, Tim snuggled between the two of them–all of Dick’s limbs wrapped around him and Jason drooling onto his shoulder–the sick feeling, mental and physical, doesn’t budge. Tim spends the rest of the night staring up at the dark ceiling, mind circling the imagery of the movie in endless spirals. He closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep when Dick gets up at 4:30 to pee, and again at 5:15 when Jay startles awake for a few seconds at the sound of a car alarm blaring down on the street. When they all get up at nine the next morning, neither Dick nor Jason seems to be the wiser to his deception.

Tim spends the next day exhausted, but makes up for it with a jam packed schedule–keeping busy always helps–and copious amounts of caffeine. That night he goes out for a quick patrol, then turns in early, hoping to make up for lost sleep.

He can’t. He’s still awake, his mind bombarding him with the images of a decapitated zombie child crawling toward a screaming young woman in the grey rain as “mama, mama” whistles in the wind; the sounds of a man sobbing as he clutches his dead partner in the snow–her womb torn out messily–and the smells he imagines a child clinging to their mother’s green, long-dismembered corpse would experience when Dick comes in at three AM. He’s still awake–and pretending he’s not with every Bat-trained skill he has–when Jay comes in a half hour later.

He’s seen just as bad in real life–and how messed up is it to say that?–but here the imagery is also accompanied by such a deep sense of sorrow, lasting pain and depression. Lives, minds, souls ruined. He’s still wide awake as dawn begins to light the sky. He extricates himself from their sleepy dogpile while Jason and Dick are still in the deepest stages of sleep and heads down to the gym to get a few hours of training in to pump him up for another exhausting day.

He struggles through day two, barely functioning as he makes his way into night three. He volunteers to stay on comms for the night, citing some bullshit excuse about a sore ankle he wants to rest to keep Dick from worrying and Jason from asking too many questions. He stays up late, working on case docs, hoping that if works himself to utter exhaustion that he can just pass out at dawn. He tells Dick and Jay he’s doing it to make up for not going out, and they seem worried, but he promises he’ll rest in the morning.

He doesn’t. Daylight doesn’t bring any relief from the wild thoughts and images that pop into his head any time he tries to quiet his mind. He pretends to nap on the couch until Jay and Dick leave, then goes into Wayne Enterprises and works late.

He goes out as Red Robin that night–night four–but turns in early after he gets a call from Alfred asking about unexpected telemetry from the vitals sensors in his suit–racing pulse, high rate of respiration. He excuses himself with claims that he’s in a bit of pain from his “sore” ankle. It’s a lie. His body and his mind are hitting their natural limits, his anxiety levels increasing and his organs screaming for rest. He meditates for the rest of the night, feeling somewhat refreshed the next morning.

Day four is like a bizarre dream, time zooming past or crawling by in fits and starts. He loses his appetite and even coffee starts to lose its appeal, the smell of it making his stomach twist. By five PM swears the shadows at the corner of his office have started to ooze toward him and he jumps at every little sound.

That night he skips dinner, disables all telemetry in his suit, and goes out for solo patrol. Just a loop around his territory. Then he’ll stop, take a sedative, and pass out for twelve to fifteen hours. Sweat it out as the drugs force him to stay under no matter what nightmares may come.

His patrol is patchy, if that makes any sense. Some moments he is clearly aware of where he is and what he’s doing, and then there are whole stretches of time that are total blanks. Halfway through his loop he gets sidetracked to a neighborhood outside his scope after he hears about of a drug deal going down outside a middle school.

He handles the would-be dealers–high schoolers dealing to middle schoolers who were lucky Red Robin caught wind of the deal before Red Hood did–then retires to the roof of the school for a breather. He sits down between two AC units and lets his head fall back against one for a few moments…

—

Tim slowly comes awake to the sounds of quiet conversation around him, gentle fingers combing through his hair, and a soft bed under him. He blinks his eyes open, squinting in confusion at the overhead light of the room he shares with Jay and Dick. Who left the lights on? Wait, why is he in his uniform? Did he forget to take it off before he dropped into bed?

“Dick. Dick, shut up a second, I think he’s coming around. Tim? Timmy? You with us?”

Tim turns his head to the side with a grimace. His neck is sore like he slept hanging off the side of the bed half the night.

“J-Jay?”

The hand leaves his hair and Tim turns his head minutely to see Dick sitting beside him on the bed, running both hands through his own hair, expression a blend of relief and worry.

“Holy cow, Tim, you scared the crap out of us. What were you thinking?” Dick demands of him. Tim blinks, confused.

“Whoa, whoa, ease up, Dickie, give 'im a sec to reboot, 'kay?” Jason chides, settling down near Tim’s bare feet–-oh, someone removed his boots, gauntlets, belts and cape and unzipped the collar of his suit. He rubs a soothing circles into the arch of one foot. “Hey, Timbo, you know where you are?”

“The 'partment,” Tim answers slowly. Did he hit his head on patrol?

“Yeah. You know what time it is?”

Tim blinks. It’s dark outside, so he knows it’s nighttime, but when he tries to think back to the last time he remembers he can’t get it straight. He was on patrol? Which patrol? He can’t remember. Did he get drugged? Shot?

“No? You know what day it is?”

He doesn’t. He starts to panic. What happened to him? He tries to sit up.

“Easy, Tim. Just rest for a minute,” Dick soothes, easing him back down with a hand on one shoulder. Tim flops back, heart racing. He’s missing something, something important, something awful he should remember.

“Breathe, Tim, don’t force yourself,” Jason chides. Dick’s hand returns to his hair and Jason lies down beside him, now rubbing circles into his exposed hand.

Dark spots cloud his vision and he starts to shake. Why can’t he remember? Now that he’s more aware, why do his joints ache and his limbs feel like they’ve been filled with cement? Why does he feel so cold? Is he dying? Is he dead?

“Jay, he’s hyperventilating.”

“No shit. Timmy? Tim? Breathe with me okay?”

“Breathe with Jason, Tim. Nice and slow.”

“Hey, fo– on m–”

“Ti–”

Their voices fade out along with the sensation of fingers feeling for a pulse and hands pulling off his suit. Darkness fills his vision until there is nothing left but the darkness.

—

When Tim comes around again it’s with a hiss for the bright overhead lighting of the Batcave’s med bay. You’d think with all their resources they’d invest in a light dimmer at some point.

“There he is. Rise and shine, Timbo,” Jason’s voice calls from his left. He groans and tries to squeeze his eyes closed.

“Ah, ah, ah, no falling asleep again until you endure the wrath of Big Bird and Alfie. They’ve got a lot of choice words for you, Babybird,” Jason chides, squeezing his hand. Tim tries to curl onto his opposite side but freezes with a gasp when a sharp twinge in his right arm informs him of the IV inserted there. The numb, slightly clammy feeling on his right index finger speaks to the presence of a pulse oximeter clip. Did he get injured, he wonders?

No. Bit by bit, Tim’s head clears and snatches of memory come back to him. He’d been on patrol. He stopped to rest. No dinner. No sleep. Wayne Enterprises. Disabled telemetry. Solo patrol. The teenaged dealers. A middle school.

Disabled telemetry. Shit.

“H-how long was I out?” Tim asks, croaking around the dryness of his throat. He turns back to Jay in time to see Alfred and Dick walk into med bay, expressions stern and relieved in equal measure. Jason snorts at whatever expression Tim makes in response to theirs.

“About a day, in and out of it,” Alfred replies smoothly, voice cool and unamused as he raises the back of the bed to help Tim sit up. “You gave Masters Dick and Jason quite the fright, not to mention myself, going out alone and under the radar the way you did. I thought we had taught you better than that, Master Timothy.”

Tim shrinks in on himself. You know you’re in trouble with Alfred when he calls you by your full first name. “Sorry, Alfred. Dick. Jason. I haven’t really been myself the past couple of days,” he admits, thinking back on the past week. He cringes internally as he thinks about their last free day and all the stupid things he did in the resulting funk.

“I imagine you wouldn’t be, skipping meals until you passed out from exhaustion,” Alfred lectures sternly as he deftly removes the IV and pulse oximeter. Dick looks sad and disappointed. Jason looks unconvinced.

Tim shakes his head. “I wasn’t skipping meals - mostly - I just wasn’t sleeping very much.”

Dick raises his eyebrows. “Define 'very much’? Why weren’t you sleeping?”

“Uhhhh, well… not at all?” Tim replies shrugging with an apologetic grimace. Alfred shakes his head as he leaves med bay and Jason’s eyes blow wide. Dick makes a sound of indignation.

“Not at all?!” Jason echoes. “What the hell, Babybird? What were you thinking!”

Tim scrubs his hands over his face and deliberately ignores the question in favor of asking one of his own. “What happened? I remember stopping to rest on the roof of Parkview Middle and then briefly waking up back at the apartment.” He looks around the med bay then takes stock of himself. He feels fine now, but he vaguely remember feeling like he was dying the last time he was fully conscious. “Did I get hurt?”

Dick doesn’t look happy about the redirect, but shakes his head and takes a seat on the edge of the gurney. “Well, after me and Jay got home at four AM, realized you weren’t there, and found your suit was missing, we called Alfred and Babs to see if you’d been out that night.

"Alfred said he hadn’t heard from you, and neither had Babs, but she eventually tagged you in a couple of surveillance feeds along your route. We tried to call you on comms: nothing. Then Babs tried to find you on live surveillance: still nothing.” Dick’s expression is dark and his eyes drill holes into Tim.

“We were freakin’ out, Timmers,” Jason continues. “Like, did you get hurt? Did you get kidnapped? We tried to check your telemetry and got fuck all. No vitals, no location. Dickie here was nearly shittin’ himself thinking you’d gone and gotten yourself killed or somethin’”

Tim’s face heats up in shame.

“In the end we pulled out the nuclear option and activated your subdermal GPS beacon,” he explains, gesturing to the stretch of skin on Tim’s arm under which the small capsule resided, a measure they all–Bruce included–agreed to take in order to avoid situations just like this one.

“We found you on some random-ass roof four blocks off your route, passed the fuck out. When we tried to check on you, you nearly cleaned Dickie’s clock, kicked me in the cup–it still hurt, even with the cup, so thanks for that–then tried to throw yourself off the roof. After we got you to calm down and wake up a bit, you seemed to recognize us, understand where you were, and we escorted you home.

"Everything was fine until we got into the apartment, at which point you threw yourself across our bed, cowl up and belts on, and passed out again,” Jason explained, rolling his eyes at the ridiculousness of it. “You weren’t outwardly bleeding and your pupils reacted appropriately to light, so we thought you were just a little tired or whatever. When you woke up again, you were disoriented as fuck and freaking out. Then you went completely non-responsive and we freaked out. We brought you down here just to make sure you didn’t have a brain bleed or a punctured lung or something.

"A million scans and some bloodwork later and Alfie concluded you that probably hadn’t been taking care of yourself,” Jason concludes, pinning Tim with a severe look of his own. “And now we’re hearing from you that you haven’t been sleeping? Cough it up, Timbo. How long?”

Tim clears his throat and shifts his legs restlessly. “About five days.”

“Five days!” Dick exclaims, jumping up from the end of the gurney. He rounds to the other side, across from Jason. “Why?”

Tim shrugs and looks away. “I dunno, I just haven’t been able to fall asleep. I couldn’t shut my brain off.”

“Why didn’t you tell us you had insomnia?” Dick asks.

Tim shrugs again. “What would you be able to do about it?”

“Make sure you didn’t do something stupid like stay up all night filing reports or go on patrol with all your tracers turned off, probably,” Jason replies wryly. He stands up, bracketing Tim between himself and Dick. He narrows his eyes.

“You know, I can tell when you’re keeping something from us, Timbo. Spit it out. What’s been so heavy on your mind that it hasn’t let you get a wink of sleep for nearly a week?”

Tim tenses and curls in on himself subconsciously. “Nothing. It’s not important.”

Jason laughs mirthlessly and Dick frowns. “If it’s important enough for you to lose sleep over it, then it’s important to us,” Jason insists.

Tim mumbles under his breath, avoiding eye contact.

“What?”

“It’s nothing,” he mumbles a little louder.

“What was that? I couldn’t hear you, Timbelina,” Jason belts loudly into his ear.

“It’s your damn horror, movies okay!? I couldn’t sleep after we marathoned that trilogy on our night off,” Tim shouts back, scooting down the bed and throwing off the sheet. He swings his legs over the side, stands up, and only sways a little as the room swims around him for a second.

“The movies? They scared you?” Dick asks uncertainly as he steadies Tim with hand around his upper arm.

Tim shakes him off. “No, they’re just depressing as fuck. We see enough horrible stuff in our line of work, so sue me if watching it presented in a way intended to be emotionally gripping as possible puts me in a bit of a funk.”

He moves for the doorway, pretending not to be embarrassed that his ass is hanging out of the back of his hospital gown, only to be stopped by Dick darting in front of him, closely followed by Jason. They’re both watching him with concern, worry, and a tinge of guilt. Tim deflates. This was exactly what he hoped to avoid.

“Babe. You never told us they bothered you,” Dick starts while Jason says, “A bit of a funk? It must really bother you if it’s keeping you up for days.” They look at each other, then Dick nods to Jason. Tim sighs.

“What’s really going on, Tim,” Jason asks.

“That’s really all it is,” Tim replies, crossing his arms. “We watched the movies, I didn’t sleep that night and then it kind of snowballed from there, the sleep dep feeding the funk.” Looking at it objectively, after a good night’s rest, he can admit that the situation never should have escalated past that first morning; he should have taken a sedative and a day off right then and there to avoid falling deep into the funk.

“Is it really that bad? Why didn’t you tell us you don’t like scary movies?” Dick asked, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy. Tim groaned.

“It’s really not a big deal. Not usually. They don’t scare me, they just kind of… I dunno, haunt my thoughts for a while afterwards. You know how it goes; I overthink everything,” Tim admits, waving a hand dismissively. “And I didn’t tell you guys because I didn’t feel like being made fun of for being 'too scared to watch a scary movie’. Who would have believed me if I said they’re not scary, just emotionally disturbing?”

Dick opens his mouth like he’s going to object but Tim cuts him off. “No, don’t even try to tell me that you would. Look at Jay, at least he’s honest with himself.”

They both look at Jason, who is nodding along, looking chagrined. “Yeah, I’ll admit, if you’d said something, I probably would have teased you about it.” He gives Tim a look Tim can’t decipher. “You’re an odd one, Timbo, but there’s no arguing with the results. If it bothers you, it bothers you, whether it’s frightening or not. But if it bothers you so much, then why watch with us? You could have just told us you don’t like horror and gone to bed.”

“And not spend time with you guys?” Tim asks incredulously. “We get one night off together every two weeks, and you think I would just give that up and go to bed alone?” He shakes his head at them. “I put up with it because I wanted to spend time with you guys and I wanted you guys to do something you both enjoy. I didn’t want to be the wet blanket in the room that put a stop to that.”

Both Jason and Dick’s faces fall on hearing this, and in that moment Tim is done with this conversation. He tries to skirt around them, but Jason blocks his path.

“Move, Jason, I need to pee.” He does. IVs are great and all, but sleeping for twenty four hours through one, maybe two liters of fluids equals one very full bladder. He’s grateful Alfred didn’t stoop to inserting a urinary catheter just to punish him, even if it would have done him a favor in this one thing.

Jason crosses his arms obstinately.

“I will pee on you,” Tim warns.

Dick steps between them and places his hands on Tim’s shoulders. “Tim, it means a lot to us that you would put our enjoyment above your own, but it hurts a little to think you don’t trust us enough to let us know when something’s bothering you.”

“What Dick said,” Jason seconds. “Yeah, we’d probably tease you at first, but eventually we’d get that horror makes you uncomfortable and picked something else to do. We care about you just as much you care about us, ya know?”

Tim looks away, uncomfortable.

“Look, we’re not trying to blame the victim here, we’re just saying give us a chance next time, okay?” Jason clarifies, tone softening. “We deserve the opportunity to prove ourselves assholes or saints for ourselves, yeah?”

Tim snorts softly. “Yeah.”

They smile and Dick draws them both into a hug, sandwiching Tim between them. “Good. And we’re sorry, Tim. We should have noticed you weren’t having a good time and asked.”

“You did,” Tim admits, “But I told you I was 'just tired’ and you guys bought it. That’s on me.”

“Yeah, well, dealing with you–the guy who lies to Batman–we should have pressed the issue no matter how convincing you were,” Jason replies, pressing his face into Tim’s hair. “And you shouldn’t feel like we won’t take you seriously. That’s mostly my bad for teasing you so much.”

Tim presses his face into Jason’s chest and shakes his head. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Dick says softly at his back. “But it will be.” Tim feels Jason smile into his hair and nod. He lets them hold him tight and close for a long minute.

“And no more horror movies around Timmy!” Dick exclaims belatedly, making Tim and Jason laugh.

“Definitely. We’ll save it for our solo dates, right Dickie?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Okay, this was nice and all,” Tim begins, squirming a little, “but I wasn’t kidding earlier; someone needs to let go now or I’m going to pee on Jason.”

“Eh, I’m fine with that,” Dick replies lightly.

“Dick, you dick!” Jason shoots back, but he doesn’t pull away.

“Stop making me laugh! I’m really going to pee on him!”

#my writing #christmasriverswrites #jaydicktim #spooktober 2019 #saf's spooktober prompts #polyamory #ot3 #my writing in the raw: barely edited #organic and covered in typos #does spellcheck count as editing?#tw brief mentions of gore #tw horror #tw sleep deprivation #tw panic attack #this is how I personally feel about horror movies; they don't scare me but i go into this horrible headspace and sometimes i just can't stop #thinking about how awful life can be sometimes #how messed up some psychological states get #it's not just horror; i don't like to watch a lot of fiction and non-fiction crime shows for the same reasons--i just overthink *everything*#maybe it's just me and i'm a weirdo but for the sake of fiction tim will be weird with me on this #this is four THOUSAND words. when. where. why. HOW. did that happen. it was supposed to be 800 max. *facepalm*#i betcha with the ''keep reading'' i'll get like 8 notes max #prove me wrong tumblr

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cassyblue · 5 years

Text

I’m just so tired of not having money and always being short for rent. I’ve had such a rough past week that I am behind even more on commissions (I’m so sorry) and I spent money I shouldn’t have on food. Good news, I’m going to the rent assistance place but bad news my meeting is on Thursday and rent is due Saturday. And they scolded me for not using the food bank which is frustrating because everyone is like go to the food bank if you need food!!! But I have food!!! I just don’t have energy to make food!!! Like for two weeks of January I ate raw ramen because I was too tired/depressed to cook. I got myself signed up for intake at a sliding scale therapy clinic today too. But i’m so exhausted. I’m trying to survive and its hard. I wouldn’t be in as bad of shape as I am if I hadn’t had to borrow money from my parents last month to pay rent. I started going back to dance because its good for my mental health but I can’t afford it. I’m taking some of my costumes on Wednesday to see if anyone would buy them because let’s be honest I’m not good enough to dance by myself in restaurants and some of these costumes haven’t been used for a year bc they’re not things you wear to class or to dance with a troupe.

I have six days to prevent myself from getting dinged with rent late fees or being evicted and homeless.

And I’m really tired that my parents keep calling my two part time jobs not real jobs because they aren’t full time. I fucking work hard. I fucking work until I physically and mentally fall apart. And yet I’m just so fucked because I hit a parked car in 2018 and couldn’t use my insurance because I was on my parent’s and they freaked out and wouldn’t let me file a claim because it might make their premium go up. So I literally have had a maxed out credit card for a year and half that I have been struggling to pay off and taken out student loans to pay rent. Live within my means they keep telling me but I have no means and sometimes I just fucking want something nice like a coffee. I sold half of my lolita stuff which I had bought when I had a full time job for the summer just so I could pay my bills. I would sell my camera but I would literally not be able to afford a new one for another five years if I did and it’s a tool.

I might have to move back home with my parents sooner rather than later and I really don’t want to because my mother and I fight whenever I am home. Like our fighting has gotten to the point that my dad has threatened to disown me because I’m the agitator even though its shit that my mom did that I’m upset about. She can’t possibly ever be the bad guy because she was a victim of abuse in her mind. Even though she literally screamed and blamed my sister and I for issues in her marriage when we were in high school and said it would be our fault if she divorced our dad and then left and we didn’t know if she was going to come back and it was so traumatic that I still get upset about it. My parents had a lot of screaming fights when I grew up and stupid shit like slamming cabinet doors trigger me. Like I literally loose it because there’s no fucking way to rationally and calmly talk about shit that’s happened without her loosing it first and it’s not healthy for either of us. My mom’s been upset with me for years about just loosing it. I had a breakdown in undergrad and I don’t fucking remember it all because it was a blur but I basically told her she was a bad parent because of the way she held things over my head and shit’s been tense ever since. It’s not a good excuse for my behavior because yelling and screaming never solves anything. I have such a hard time not loosing it around them because they do things. Like the summer I lived at home before I moved away was hellish because I was so anxious all the time I was going to loose it again and I wasn’t out and I was terrified of what they’d do if they found out. And its frustrating because like she’ll be like oh ill talk to you about stuff and im not ignoring you and then we never do. And she doesn’t like it when I don’t want to talk about things or dont want to explain it. And I honestly can’t live at home because they don’t even fucking try with pronouns. Asked one fucking time and just didn’t try and I don’t correct them because it’ll just turn into another fucking fight. Like I literally do not say anything because I will loose it and get kicked out of the house. My dad was going to kick me out and drive me back to the airport the last time I was home but didn’t ultimately because it was Christmas Eve. Like I literally had my bags packed and ready to go. It all started because I said I was going to go spend the weekend with a friend (who for years my mom has accused me of treating better and loving more than her which is fucking ridiculous) and my mom got all upset and I was like why yes, I didn’t want to visit because this always happens and then it fucking spiraled into a fight.

And I have been a mess since I found out that the man who scooped my research and fucking sexually harassed me won the most prestigious award at my undergrad university. Like I haven’t slept more than 4 hours for the past three days because I have been so upset and angry and mad. I never reported him because I was scared of loosing both my jobs since the big boss was the same for both even though they were in two different sections of the department. And I fucking should have even if it backfired on me and fucked me over for the rest of my academic career. I almost wrote a long letter to my adviser thanking her for being so good to me but I didn’t because I was too embarrassed because I dont really want her to know about things that happened in the past I can’t change. It was hard enough telling her I have depression.

#true facts about erin

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xserpentlife · 6 years

Text

Im just Tired

peaRequest: @if-i-was-a-person I have a Sweet Pea x reader request if I may. #29 from list 3 and #17 from list 4, please! The reader is very tired from serpent jobs and tells her boyfriend Sweet Pea how cute he is and how much she loves him and what she loves about him. Please and thank you!

Summary: Pea has been helping out at the wyrm ever since tall boy left the serpents. Instead of FP picking Sweet Pea for the jobs he chose his girlfriend Y/L. No matter how much Pea begged Y/N was the one going, and he was beginning to get worried.

Warnings: Nothing really just some fluff

A/N: I hope you like this and I hope I fit #17 in there well enough

Word Count: 1591

Recently FP has been making you do the runs with him at first it was once every other week. You were doing so well that he let you come with him an extra day one week and you happily went. But now for the past week and a half, you were doing runs with him almost every night. The runs weren't bad at first you were used to staying up late but it slowly started getting worse. This was the 4th night in a row that you came home around 4 in the morning and pea was starting to see the toll it had on you. All he wanted to do was help, but he couldn't do anything FP was the leader after all.

The first night it happened it was bad you came home and climbed into bed with pea, and in the morning you went to school, you only got a few hours of sleep that night but you thought it would be a one-time thing. You didn't expect to be called the next night to go on a run. You got 2 hours of sleep that night. That morning pea asked you what time you got home and you lied. He thought you had a full nights rest. You knew you couldn't tell him or he would be mad.

You went to school and during lunch, you fell asleep while sitting at the lunch table. You would've smacked your head into the table if Pea didn't put his hand under your face. The third night FP called pea told you to say no but you couldn’t. You wanted to prove that you could do this like everyone else. You thought everyone did runs this much, but tallboy was the only one who ever did. Pea knew that and he was tired of seeing you so exhausted. You did the run that night and again only got a few hours of sleep. You were taking a bath in the morning before school started and fell asleep. Sweet pea ran in when the water was running for so long and found you. He knew if this kept happening something bad was gonna happen to you. At this point, he knew you were lying, and he knew he had to help you.

That afternoon Pea went for his shift at the Wyrm as you were finishing up some school work. You were gonna meet him there. As you were walking in you heard screaming from FP’ s office so you ran up before you entered you noticed the voice. “FP you need to give her a break shes so out of it recently she does the run comes home to sleep for an hour or two has a full day at school works at the wyrm sometimes and runs again. She has no time to do school work, no time for friends, no time to even sleep most of all. soon she's gonna be like a walking zombie. Let me at least take over a couple days a week. Y/N and I will switch every other day if I have to I don't care I can not see her like this”

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that boy that lip is the exact reason she is doing the runs. I told you before when you asked I want her not you. She said she could take over tall boys place so she is. She's doing a damn fine job at it. NOW LEAVE MY OFFICE” sweets grabbed FP’s arm

“but FP she isn't okay let her at least miss one day” and from the window, I could see FP shove sweets against the wall

“Listen here PEA SHE IS DOING THE JOB AND THAT IS FINAL” and he went to push him out the door so I ran down the steps like I was just walking in.

You pretended like nothing happened asking pea to grab you a beer from behind the bar. You were happy he stood up for you but you couldn't tell FP these jobs were tearing you apart from the inside out. You were sitting at the bar watching people play pool and saw sweets glaring at FP’s office. FP walked down the steps saying you guys had a long run tonight and told you to meet him outside” You started walking outside and pea grabbed you “Y/N you don’t have to go just say no”

“Pea I'm ok I’ll see you tonight” and with that you kissed him and left, It was Friday so you knew you could sleep in tomorrow, and that's the only thing that kept you going.

You got to your trailer even later than usual. You almost fell asleep at the wheel driving home, and you didn't even want to get out of the car. But you gained some energy, enough to walk inside anyway. You couldn't make it to the bedroom so you laid on the couch and fell asleep. You woke up to pea carrying you into the bedroom you were so sleep deprived you looked up at him and said: “I know your a boy and boys aren’t supposed to be pretty, but damn, are you a pretty boy.” he laughed lowly and you could hear the mix of worry in his voice. he laid you down so you could sleep but when you looked at the alarm clock it read 5:30 am the time you usually get up for school. You thought it was Thursday and said to pea “No pea I gotta get ready for school” he looked at you sadness in his eyes and said

“no baby, you can sleep as long as you want its Saturday just close your eyes and sleep ok” and that is exactly what you did when you woke up and looked out the trailer window you saw the sun setting. You walked out of the bedroom expecting pea to be at the Wyrm but instead, he was sat on the couch head in hands. You were confused so you said “Hey baby why aren't you working are you okay” you didn't know what was gonna come next.

“Babe I should be asking you the same question. I know you’ve been lying to me When was the last time you slept?!?”.

“Pea I am fine I swear”

“Do not lie to me. I found you asleep in the bath you could have drowned, you almost hit your head at lunch, and you fell asleep on the couch and couldn’t even make it to the bedroom... this shit is getting dangerous baby I really need you to tell me the truth...”

“truthfully a few hours this week here and there. I’d come over and climb in bed with you after I’d get back from a job. I didn't expect to go on a job every night, and I didn’t want to worry you”

“why didn’t you tell me what was going on I could have made sure you were okay” and that's when he broke head in his hands he looked up at me and I saw the tear roll down his cheek. You sat next to him on the couch and just hugged him. You explained to him you wanted to prove both to FP and yourself that you could do this. Your phone buzzed Sweet pea grabbed it and read the message saying that FP was going to pick you up for the job from your trailer. You started to get up to go get dressed but pea held you down “Pea I have to go get dressed I can’t let him down”

“Baby I’m sorry you can be mad at me all you want but you are not going on that job. I will go with him and if he is mad then he can do whatever he wants to me but you are not going and I will not let you walk out of this house. Just let me help you” you could tell how upset he was so you just responded okay and that's when you heard the knock on the door. Sweet Pea opened it and you could see FP looking at you from the steps.

“come on Y/L lets go” was the first thing out of his mouth. Sweet Pea stepped in front of you as you were about to say anything and with the most confidence in the world said

“FP I'm sorry if you're pissed after this but Y/N is not going with you and that is final. For a week now she has been doing everything that you wanted her to do. She wanted to prove to herself she could do it but she was too stubborn to realize it was slowly killing her. The number of times she could have died this week due to lack of sleep makes me sick in my stomach. So I'm sorry if you're mad you can deal with me but she is not going with you and that is final”

Before FP could say anything you said “I’m sorry FP I cant go what sweets is saying is true, I don't mind going on jobs but I can’t do it every day it just isn’t possible”

FP literally said okay and started walking away you and sweets looked at each other confusion in your eyes and sweets said “okay? that's it your not mad”

“no, I’m not mad all I wanted to do was see if Y/N would stand up for herself or realize that she can say no. It may have taken you to help her realize what was going on, but she did it that shows the true strength. I also got to learn how far she will go for her family” and with that FP hopped in his truck and left.

I turned to sweets and thanked him for standing up for me, and then we sat on the couch and fell asleep watching TV

#riverdale x reader #riverdale x you #riverdale reader insert #sweet pea x reader #sweet pea #sweetpea #sweet pea reader insert #sweet pea x you

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succulent-pup-blog · 6 years

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Please tell me about Sniffles.

hhhhough okay.

she was around 13 years old so thats like 91 years old according to the probably myth.

She was a runt, short breed,tricolor beagle that my parents got me because I was a only child and they (rightfully I mean look at me now) worried about my mental well being.

I named her sniffles because when they let all the puppies out of the kennel they all ran to food but her, she came up to me and sniffed me. All the puppies had worms.

Because she lived with worms for probably a good portion of her puppyhood she was obsessed with food until her very last breath. She nearly killed herself multiple times getting into the garbage, or eating a whole deep dish pizza. Chicken was her absolute favorite. She also ate a friends of mine’s bottle of pills last year and nearly died.

She also slept a lot. I have so many pictures of her sleeping, and she was a ugly cute sleeper.

Honestly she was a little sassy,conniving, bitch but I absolutely loved her. She was my baby. She’d do anything for food and would memorize where you placed food and go find it when you forgot about it hours later.

We slept on the bed together at night around when I was 13. I remember the first time I realized she was actually sleeping in bed with me, I still get a warm feeling.

She had a crook in her tail because it got slammed in a door one time by me when I was a child. My dad use to tease me and said I did it on purpose and that really bothered me.

Her bark was so fucking awful, it would literally hurt my ears.It was cute and fitting at the same time as well though.

As she got older she lost her hearing and was a little blind. This did not stop her from getting into food.

This spring break was when I lost her. I came home from college and the first thing I noticed is she wasnt there to greet me. My parents told me she wasnt eating and thats the sign something was wrong, thats what happened when she gave herself a overdose with Aleve.

The vet called us back and said she had a bleeding tumor in her, and that she probably wouldnt survive the night, I havent even been home 4 hours when I got the news. My parents asked me what I wanted to do; I could keep her overnight and have her die in my arms or put her down that day. I said I wanted to put her down that day because I didnt want her to suffer, with the blood loss she was having issues getting enough oxygen and the last thing I wanted was her to suffocate to death.

We had to wait another two hours to put her down, so I got to spend some personal time with her. In that time frame I just cuddled with her and cried tbh, I let her walk around and do as she pleased as well. She would stumble from time to time, and pant when doing anything slightly exhausting. My dad took some pictures but I looked so miserable I asked him to crop me out. The last major thing I did with her is gave her a few table spoon fulls of chicken salad. She was so surprised and ecstatic when I did that. She acted like her normal self between this time period but I knew we couldnt keep her overnight, I just knew...

I dont know if you know the putting down process but its 3 steps. First they just put them to sleep. I distinctly remember when she was given that shot, I put her head in a better position and as I pet and kissed it she groaned like “leave me alone mom im trying to sleep.” Its funny and really cute, the last time I laughed with something she did. The next two shots are what actually stop the animals heart, the first one slows it and then the next one actually stops it. Hers stopped with the first shot which isnt typical. I feel like she was waiting for me to come back and see her one last time to actually pass away, and it means so much to me. She was given the second shot for safety. Through the putting down process that was the only time I saw my stone hearted women of vet actually show emotion. She didnt cry but held her head, bowed, on sniffles side. I should have left after she was confirmed gone but I just couldnt. I continued stroking her her ear and telling her how much I love her and miss her. Her ear was the softest part of her. I finally left when the ear I was stroking went cold and I couldnt stand feeling the cold anymore.

I got her cremated, something I dont know how im going to come up with the money for tbh, and shes currently in my room back home. I plan on spreading her ashes this summer in spots that were her favorite; The plum tree she’d gorge herself by, The alley trashes she’d run away to go smell, and this privacy bush we have against the fence that she made a tunnel underneath where she’d sniff around and honestly eat bird shit under.

The first few nights I had to sleep in a bed alone were fucking awful.

My mom’s dog would go around the house and try to find out where she went. Last weekend my parents visited and I asked Goose where Sniffles was and he checked outside the hotels window, it was sad and touching. She hated him but he absolutely loved her. When I went back to dorm I cried because it hurt not having a visit from my dog, it was nice seeing Goose but it wasnt the same.

This is really just a sad and whiny story im sorry.

#sniffles #atsushimatsu

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abcdosaka · 4 years

Text

so i stayed up until ~4:30ish to finish the assignment that was due yesterday, and since I had another one today i knew id prob have to stay up again but i ended up having to pull and allnighter (its not like i just started yesterday btw i started the assignment on like sunday but it was a hard ass assignment. like we were prob supposed to do it on reading week but still). anyway those two are finally over with. i took a nap from 11-3:30 but i think i’m gonna shower and catch up on classes from this week and use tonight to catch up on the sleep i missed this entire week. i missed literally everything bc of those two hellish assignments. plus this week felt so short bc i barely slept. like monday tues and wed i slept from like 4am to ~9 to 10 am, and ofc last night i didn’t sleep at all. tbh i thought i was a person who NEEDS sleep to function but im honestly very adjustable. like didn’t i literally work a job where i had to wake up at 5 am every day for 4 months? plus i refused to go to bed earlier than 10 or 11 pm when i was working there so i was sleep deprived (according to my needs bc i normally sleep like 10 hours a night) for several months in a row. ahhh i can’t wait to sleep tonight. the best part of being alive is when you’re exhausted after completing something difficult and get to lay in bed and fall asleep feeling relieved.

from now on i really have to get my ass in gear bc i don’t get another break until the end of the term basically. thank god there’s no term projects at least but jeez. shit just never ends huh. i guess ill try not to panic anymore. i think this week has been helpful in making me realize how to focus

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raefill · 7 years

Note

I would legit love to hear you answers to every single question. I don't know if you feel like actually doing them all, but if you did... I'm JUST SAYING I'D READ THE ANSWERS, ok.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?Yeaaaah but my romantic prospects are pretty bleak tbh, I graduate and move away in a few months

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?No, not really. But I’m not mad about it anymore.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”CUTE BABY CLOSE BY !!!!!!!!!

4: What’s something you really want right now?to cry, i’m having the big sads

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?always

6: Do you like the beach?i love the beach!!!!!!!!! i grew up in a seaside town, the beach feels like the best parts of home

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?yes ?? it was cramped and uncomfortable

8: What’s the background on your cell?the photo of me, san, kahl, chez, frau, bagel and spags in the louvre

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?mine(right now), Thea’s, Lizzie’s, .. Keir’s?

10: Do you like your phone?yeah but i’d like it more if the screen wasn’t so cracked

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?lol no, it’s definitely not

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?i genuinely don’t remember !

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?rottweiler, i love dogs that look a little mean but have big hearts

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?pffffft, that’s hard to answer but i’d say generally emotional, most of the time it’s harder to get rid of emotional pain

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?both ?! i want to support the breeding of endangered animals that happens in zoos and see the cute animals but also i love a good rembrandt ?!

16: Are you tired?exhausted

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?since i was born

18: Are they a relative?my mother!

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?not a fucking chance

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?a few hours ago, i think

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?i don’t believe there’s a way to know nor do i think love works that way

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?hell yeah i would

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?none!

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?“if you make bad choices, own them” - my dad

25: What’s on your mind?god, everything, idk im having a high key anxiety day

26: Do you have any tattoos?one pretty big one on my thigh

27: What is your favorite color?black !!!!!!!!!!

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?maybe tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes

29: Who are you texting?uhhh, no one? everyone is asleep

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?yes

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?all the time, my gut rarely lies

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?yes, his name is keir and he’s one of my best friends

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?i mean i’m dating someone so i fucking hope so

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?no ? i dont think ? i’ve had people say they’re big or the colour is interesting but idk

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?i’d cheer her on

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?yes

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?yes!

38: What do your friends call you?rae ?

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?yes

40: Have you ever cried over a text?pffft, yah

41: Where’s your last bruise located?my knee

42: What is it from?i fell over my own computer chair

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?today

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my mum, i think

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?not right now, most i just wear my plain black docs

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?no, i just tie is back

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?no, i really dont like my ears, idk why

48: Do you make supper for your family?yeah, my mum and step dad can’t cook

49: Does your bedroom have a door?ofc it does? what kind of bedroom doesn’t have a door? get these pretentious loft bedrooms out of my face

50: Top 3 web-pages?tumblr, ao3, youtube

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?plenty!

52: Does anything on your body hurt?period pains are all the rage today

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?yeah but i don’t tend to cry until they’ve already left so i look like i take them just fine

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?water......... this morning

55: How is your hair?fine? a bit damaged from the cold weather

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?wish i was still asleep

57: Do you think two people can last forever?yes

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?i dont fucking know

59: Green or purple grapes?GREEN or get out of my face

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?tomorrow~

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?yes

62: When will be the next time you text someone?tomorrow!

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?probably in bed still, but asleep

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.sleeping

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?no, i was getting over the end of a four year relationship

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?no

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?no

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?this sucks

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?many times

70: How many windows are open on your computer?ten! and they’re mostly your fics corey, go figure

71: How many fingers do you have?ten

72: What is your ringtone?i dont know, my phone is always on silent

73: How old will you be in 5 months?22 ~

74: Where is your Mum right now?sleeping in bed probably, idfk, she lives hours away

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?we grew up and grew apart but we were still okay until i had about four-six months of depression where i had to stop myself from doing something stupid daily and he didn’t notice despite us living together and sharing a bedroom (and those times i told him and he shrugged)

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?yes

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?yes! i still love them very much

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?annabelle

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?yes, there’s some grad students in the psych department called mike, they all look kinda the same too

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?yeah, i miss being able to do that regularly

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?more than i can count, my polyamorous ass has a crush on about seven people currently

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?no

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?i’m talking to one of them

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?i’d literally never do this

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?depends which drugs and how often, no one cares about a joint every few months

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?i spilled my popcorn and managed to hide that i had spilled it from my date pahaha

87: Who was your last received call from?my mum, wow it sounds like i talk to my mum a lot more than i do

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?yes, i hate bugs, give me the money

89: What is something you wish you had more of?time, energy, patience, money

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?no, i’m not someone who trusts easily

91: Do you sleep with your window open?only in the summer

92: Do you get along with girls?yes, anyone that doesn’t get on with someone because of their gender is an asshole

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?nope

94: Does sex mean love?hell no, it can be an expression of it but no

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?yeah she wold be freaking the fuck out because she’s locked in a room!

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?no, actually, i haven’t

97: Did you sleep alone this week?yes

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?yes ?

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?no, not at all

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?one of my besties, holly

#this took forever #but i definitely feel more tired now #rae answers #xenophonspeaks

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twopedalpushers · 4 years

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Travel Update #7

The End of the Road - A Reflection

About 18 months ago I pinned a world map to my bedroom wall in North Wales. I had wanted to travel for a while, I didn’t take a gap year between my studies and went tirelessly from school to college to university to a few years of full time employment without a break. Long story short, I was bored, craved adventure and happened to be middle class and privileged enough to be able to quit my job, sell my possessions and go on a big walkabout.

18 months ago I had little idea as to where I wanted to go. I didn’t know what kind of experience I wanted to have. I didn’t put much thought into how these experiences would shape the person that I am today. I remember when I sat in front of that big world map with Max and drew a crude line through Central & South America in a dried up red whiteboard marker and first discussed the idea of travelling that line by bicycle.

Since then, I’ve travelled 4000km in 6 months, over 4 countries and two continents - all by bike. I changed location nearly everyday. My bicycle weighed more than I did. Most days I woke up at 5am, cycled around 70km and climbed over 2000m of elevation. I repeated this routine day after day. I got to enjoy the true beauty, magnitude and power of the Andes. I learnt a new language. I got fit and lost 8 kgs in the process. I discovered a love for particularly awful reggaeton and garishly patterned shirts.

Away from the pace of my normal life in the UK; I was anticipating that I would learn a little more about myself. Naively before I spun my pedals for the first time back in Costa Rica, I thought I would be learning about light hearted subject matter, such as the kind of company that I would like to work for upon my return to London.

What I didn’t know back then was that cycling in this relentless manner strips you to your absolute core!

What I learnt most about was how I cope with extreme fatigue, pressure and exhaustion (the answer is not so well!) And that I have a tendency to jump headfirst into challenges without thinking too deeply about what they entail. In hindsight, it was an incredibly insane decision to cycle through the longest mountain range on the planet having never cycle-toured before in my life. I hadn’t even owned a geared bike since I was about 10 years old.

I have no regrets about any of this and despite finding the trip the most exhausting holiday of all time, I highly, highly recommend cycle-touring! Every ounce of effort that I put into cycling; I was rewarded with breathtaking views and dramatic scenery. Reaching a milestone or a border crossing was emotional as I had spent days, weeks or months and literally climbed mountains to get there.

Cycle-touring pushed the boundaries of my mental and physical endurance and I now feel confident in my ability to accomplish any challenge that life throws at me. Not a lot (in my opinion) can be harder than cycling my 70kg bike up 10% gradient hills in the rain all day everyday (yes I’m talking about you, Ecuador).

I spent so much time outdoors with so few possessions that I have a new found appreciation for small luxuries such as a sleeping in a comfy bed, wearing clean clothes and taking baths whenever I please.

The slow nature of travelling by bicycle is awe-inspiring. I know in detail entire stretches of the countries that we crossed and I have a deep understanding of how both the landscape and culture shift with this progression. I saw the big, glitzy cities and the stark, poverty stricken reality of the locals lives outside of them. This is something I never would have seen travelling by bus from one tourist hotspot to another. We spent so much time in each country that after a while, they started to feel like home.

I know that my experience cycle-touring will be something that I remember for the rest of my life and mentally revisit whenever I want to feel inspired.

Two months ago I woke up everyday with little idea as to where I would be sleeping that night and had the freedom to go wherever I pleased. My world was so big! Fast-forward to now and my world encompasses my parents house and a few kilometres surrounding it. This shift has been a huge mental challenge for me. I spent a lot of time whilst on the trip thinking about all of the amazing places that I would soon be visiting, so its been hard accepting that I will no longer be cycling the Peru Divide or through the Salt Flats in Bolivia or the Atacama Desert in Chile. Unfortunately, a few weeks after returning to the UK, me and Max split up, so I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that the person that I shared my cycle-touring experiences with, will not be part of my life going forwards.

After spending 6 months on the move, in lockdown I have started to discover that there is elegance in staying still. Travel is really just a means of filling your life with distractions - albeit new, picturesque and adventurous ones.

In the quietness of the past couple of months, I’ve learnt more about who I am and what I want out of life than during my entire trip. This time that we have for introspection and self improvement at the moment is priceless. It’s something that can’t be bought with a plane ticket and a bicycle.

I thought I would round off my blog with a some of my favourite, memorable moments. Im not sure how relevant these will be for you guys (sorry!) I just wanted to write them all down somewhere so that I don’t forget!

Here goes:

Looking down on Medellín, Colombia from high up in the mountains, lit up in the darkness. I had spent 12 hours cycling uphill that day to get there. Then spent an hour and a half descending. My hands ached the next day from holding my brakes- thats how steep it was.

Everyone applauding a beautiful sunset on the beach in Salvador, Brazil.

Swimming in the sea around the San Blas islands in Panama and seeing dolphins under the water.

Cycling up to a viewing point in Jacó, Costa Rica. Looking down on the bay and the jungle beneath and seeing a flock of red parrots fly above the rainforest canopy.

Cycling through Cotopaxi National Park in Ecuador and camping near Volcán Cotopaxi.

Getting soaked to the bone by the tropical storms everyday in Costa Rica and Panama. Attempting to dry out my shoes every night became a ritual.

The importance of always having a supply of peanut butter and the joy of finding a rare jar in a supermarket. It was like gold dust.

Camping on Lauras floor in Popayán, Colombia.

Limonada all day everyday in Colombia.

Seeing sloths in Manuel Antonio National Park, Costa Rica.

Arriving into the town of Salento, Colombia and cycling up a hill so steep that people in the town clapped and cheered once I reached the top.

Getting my bike stuck in the mud after a storm in San Onofre, Colombia. The bus drove past and refused to let us on because both us and our bikes were so muddy. We were stranded.

Helados everyday in Ecuador.

The pure joy of finding pasta sauce (not ketchup) in a supermarket. This was also like gold dust.

Camping next to waterfalls at Cascadas Condor Machay, Ecuador.

Getting my scuba diving license in Coveñas, Colombia.

Camping on a volleyball pitch near Alausí, Ecuador.

Crossing the bridge of the Americas in Panama and completing the Central American section of the trip.

Cycling to our highest altitude - 40009m above sea level in Ecuador.

The smell of rotting animals that had been hit by cars on the Panamericana in Panama.

Seeing the Champions Parade at the Sambadromo in Rio de Janeiro during Carnival.

How beautiful the cycle route was during the 3/4 day journey into Medellín, on an abandoned road.

Swimming in Guatapé Lake, Colombia.

Experiencing a Colombian black hairdressers (to get my hair re-braided). Damn they’re loud.

How near the end of the trip, getting chased by dogs was such a regular occurrence that it didn’t bother me anymore.

Seeing crocodiles sunbathing next to a river in Costa Rica

The cycle into Baños, Ecuador, near Volcán Tungurahua.

Camping in an old lady’s garden in Colombia because we had run out of time that day to get to the next town. She lived in a wooden shack, with a dirt floor and slept in a hammock.

Blocos at Copacabana beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, during Carnival.

Looking out across endless misty fields of frailjones, in El Angel National Park, Ecuador.

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aceofaces20 · 7 years

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What would be a valid thing to submit as evidence for adhd? I feel like my teachers never noticed anything, all it ever says on my report is 'quiet', and im in the uk and you need school reports for diagnosis, and i feel like i wont be taken seriously cos they dont say 'bouncing off the walls' or something

I feel you, nonny. I wasn’t diagnosed until college because I was just “quiet.”

Odds are, if a lot of the symptoms add up enough to make you SUSPECT you have ADHD, you probably have it. But more research is always good!

So like many things, ADHD is a spectrum. The two ends of it are Inattentive to Hyperactive- and then you have people like me, in the middle, with the Combined version. Some people have more Inattentive than Hyperactive, some have more Hyperactive than Inattentive. Everyone who has ADHD experiences the symptoms a little differently.

You can find about six thousand symptoms lists online, but here I’ll tell you things that usually don’t end up on those lists that my therapist told me a lot of her patients ended up experiencing aside from listed symptoms.

(Note: Initially I tried to keep these short. Yeah, that didn’t work. I bolded the important parts.)

1. Insomnia, or at least a super screwy sleep schedule. No joke, this can be super detrimental and will only serve to exacerbate your symptoms. “Just set a sleep schedule!! You’ll feel better!” they all say- Thanks Barbara if I had any control over when my brain chooses to sleep at all I wouldn’t have this issue, ok?

-a solution to this is to, in all actuality, condition yourself. Start ONLY using your bed for sleep. Get a little chair or something in your room if you’re also a hermit like I was growing up (mushroom chairs are gr9) and once you get out of bed, don’t let yourself get back on it for more than a few minutes unless you’re going to sleep.

Some nights it’s not enough, but in general for me personally this has been an actual lifesaver- I can go from being not tired to exhausted at the drop of a hat in normal life anyway (another symptom they don’t usually tell you about) so it’s nice to be able to make it work for me for once- I get into bed, maybe spend 30 minutes restless and then I’m out.

2. On the subject of sleep. You kids ever heard of the sleep of the dead? Because guess what, I have ignored literal fire alarms in dorms because of it. About 1-2 hours into my sleep I enter a state akin to a bear hibernating. I have slept through wake-up alarms, slept through emergency alerts, slept through FIRE alarms, slept though friends and family attempting to wake me… you get the picture.

3. On the note of the hibernating bear. You constantly wake up angry (or at least disgruntled) at the universe and take a really, really long time to power on. No, I’m not talking “a case of the mornings.” I’m talking it takes me until noon some days to actually feel somewhat alert. I’m talking feeling nothing but seething rage at anyone who tries to engage you in higher brain function before you’re fully awake.-the seething rage is more personal to me, but, every single last one of my friends who’s ADHD has issues getting up in the morning. There’s hating mornings, and then there’s hating mornings.

4. About mornings. You’re constantly late to anything in the morning because you just couldn’t “get going.” i.e., you knew and 100% wanted to get up and get moving but your brain said “nah, let’s just sit here on tumblr mobile for a while k?”-it’s very difficult to describe this part of executive dysfunction with words, because it comes off as laziness to a lot of neurotypicals. It’s not laziness. It’s having the motivation and and will and the drive to do something and not forgetting about it and it still doesn’t get done.

“Why didn’t you do x?” they’ll ask. And you just sit there thinking shit, you meant to, really, honest to god meant to, it was on your brain to do and yet all you could actually do that day was sit around and watch terrible TV. And then you feel terrible because YOU think you’re lazy.It’s not laziness. It’s executive dysfunction.

5. Another not so well known EXDYF fact: Mental math or memorization for you will always be the literal bane of your existence. Teachers always told me I was a “smart kid” in school (I am, but not the point) and then they’d wonder why I couldn’t memorize a five line poem.

Or I’d start off with a 60 on a math test, until my teacher would comb through my work by hand (only useful math teacher I ever had in high school tbh) and I’d end up with a 92 because nearly all of my mistakes involved basic arithmetic errors. Even though I was able to use a calculator on the test.

(One time I decided 21-19=14. To this day 8 years later I still do not know from what abyss my brain pulled that info from.)

“You’re smart! Just focus!” I can’t choose what my brain decides to focus on that easily, Sharon, not without a lot of crying and panicking.

6. But wait! You say. I have really obscure information from a fandom that I can infodump on someone at a moment’s notice! Surely that means I’m just Lazy and Unmotivated, right? I guess I just can’t be bothered to memorize the important stuff.

*Loud buzzer noise* Stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

I will take you by the shoulders and look deep into your eyes and make you realize that guess what? If you have an ADHD brain, you have NO control over telling your brain what is important and what is not. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Your brain decides, and you usually get no say in the matter.

This sounds bad, I know. And in terms of school, birthdays, appointments, it’s terrible. But you’re not helpless. It sounds trite, but, get a good goddamn calendar app on your phone and use the hell out of it for appointments and birthdays. And for school? Find those fandoms and use mnemonics. No, seriously.

7. Also on school: You procrastinate the hell out of everything. And I’m not talking normal “haha I’ll do it later!” procrastination. I’m talking serious, problematic, REPEATED “why the fuck can’t I just do it on time like a normal person” procrastination where you start blaming yourself for not doing it sooner like a neurotypical.

Listen, buddy ol’ pal (or however that goes), you’re not neurotypical. But listen- there’s actually a medical reason why you do this.

So everyone’s brains have reward systems, right? Your brain gives you the feel good when you do something you think you should. And later, a brain remembers that it got the feel good for doing the thingy thing.

In a brain with ADHD, that reward system malfunctions. Sometimes critically. Your brain chucks so much stuff it deems “unnecessary” out the window it chucked out that feel good you got when you turned in that homework on time, or cleaned out your car, or did some pilates for 30 minutes.

8. You want to know what doesn’t help with number 7 there? Another thing that won’t show up on symptom lists but that virtually everyone I know with ADHD (quite a few, actually. Turns out we hang out in packs because we’re usually the only people who can understand each other) about ADHD is how daunting large tasks or projects seem to an ADHDer.

So listen, more medical talk here. Remember that EXDYF thing? Yeah, this is part of that.

EXDYF makes it very, very hard (almost impossible, sometimes) to break down large tasks into smaller, more feasible tasks. You get nervous the longer you put off that paper (“this isn’t something you can spit out overnight!”) You’ve been sitting in front of your computer for hours, and the only word you have written down is “The”.

Honestly, I’m not sure why it’s actually super hard to break down large undertakings into smaller tasks for the ADHD brain. But! Solution.

-if you’re having a problem breaking down ANY sort of task, I promise there’s someone else who’s done it online.

Need to write a paper? Use a template. Need to clean out your car? Find a checklist, or have a friend make you one (cause Lord knows I can’t make one on my own). Need to make a presentation? Find a sample one online. Hell, this even works for taxes. (Gasp!)

Do NOT be afraid to ask for help with even personal large undertakings. If your friends are actually your friends, then they’ll relish the chance. Especially when you can turn around and blaze through a quarter of the important project you two (or however many) have due next week in four hours because of hyperfocus.

9. So, your focus. Totally trash, right? That is, until you hyperfocus.

Hyperfocus, to a neurotypical, probably sounds great. Tune out all distractions and get shit done, right?

Sure, Linda, if you can call being able to ignore things like the need to sleep, eat, and use the bathroom “tuning out distractions.” Time becomes a literal illusion. And damn do you pay for it later by your brain not wanting to do anything at all.

On the flip side, this is why ADHD people make fantastic emergency workers like EMTs and firepeople. If you learn what to do with adrenaline when you start feeling it, you feel like you could punch Satan himself when you’re riding an adrenaline+hyperfocus high. Combine that with the fast-paced, unexpected nature of such jobs and and you have a happy ADHD brain because it’s never bored.

10. Because boredom feels like death. No, Cheryl, I’m not being overdramatic. Yes, Becky, I recognize everyone has to deal with boredom.

A neurotypical’s boredom and an ADHDer’s boredom are two very different levels of boredom. Ever heard the phrase “bored to tears”? Now imagine every time you get even a little bored, it’s like this.

And of course, the ADHD hell brain remembers the bad feels of being bored but can’t recall how nice it was to remember all of the answers on a quiz that one time you paid attention in class.This is why I have the worst problems doing homework and housework, or in general anything with serious repetition (exercise, cooking, driving, tidying up etc.). I can do it for maybe 10-15 minutes, and then my brain’s like “k I’m good. Next source of input please?” like, brain, I’m only like 3 feet into washing the kitchen floor. P l s.

11. Speaking of tears. Has rejection by someone you value ever felt like you wanted to quit existing on the spot, or at the very least wanted to move to an ice cave in Greenland and cry for the rest of your life? Even if the rejection was just perceived rejection and your friend was just expressing grumpiness at something else?

Even if your logic says “they didn’t reject you calm down you’re overreacting?”

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It’s a newer term, but honestly, once I found out about my own ADHD and this bitch of a symptom a loooooooot of my weird habits started making a lot of sense in my head.

It doesn’t have to be actual “rejection”. It can get set off from stuff like awkwardness (hence my personal resistance to making Adult Phone Calls) to disbelief (a huge, huge reason so many people go undiagnosed), to personal judgment and/or criticisms (oh, ok… I guess I’ll never mention my love for X ever again) to even just indifference (no one noticed I mopped all the floors in the house… guess I’ll just go die!).

Basically, if you perceive that someone you care about has dismissed you in some fashion, you literally just want to quit existing. On the spot. Because the feeling of it makes you feel sick, your chest gets tight, you can feel it in your hands, and it makes the rest of your day miserable.This variant is more likely with people you care about, but can definitely 100% happen with strangers too.

Another variant is this: if you perceive that someone (whether you care about them or not) has dismissed you in some fashion, your first instinct is to attempt to disregard and discard them completely. It usually doesn’t work like you want it to.

I’m pretty sure this is another reason why ADHD people hang out in packs. We always have a line in our head we’re terrified to cross with our friends. It makes us seem like we’re emotionally unavailable- but in reality we’re just terrified of being dismissed by our friends for showing our true geeky, infodumping, hyperfixating selves.

(Listen. If a friend mocks you for your true self they weren’t your friend in the first place.)

12. But in terms of crossing that line… Social cues? What are social cues?

Normal people can infer a lot from body language. With a lot of ADHD people, we tend not to notice. Or we notice too much and overanalyze. There’s no in between.

On a side note, your best bet for flirting successfully with an ADHDer is to just come out and say it. (Talk like an elcor. “Flirtatiously: I want to hear more.” or whatever innocent phrase it is you’re using to flirt. If they’re into Mass Effect, this will make them laugh, which means bonus points for you in their eyes.)But seriously, unless you’re making obviously romantic overtures we’re usually pretty sure you’re just being nice.

Back on topic: lack of social ability is a massive, massive reason people with ADHD are usually bullied growing up. If there aren’t any other ADHD people around, it usually feels like no one “gets” you. I was bullied horribly enough during junior high and high school to the point where I still have to repress the urge to automatically assume someone being nice to me means they’re plotting something behind my back. (Didn’t help that my hs was basically the Korriban Sith academy without most of the death. Culty, religious, nepotism ran rampant.)

13. Woe betide thee who angers the ADHD. It's not a problem with everyone, but... We’re like volcanoes. Awe-inspiring to watch in action, but God help you if we explode in your direction. And if it’s righteous anger there is almost literally no stopping us.

Anger has its uses. Our problem is that, like a volcano, we always have a lot simmering under the surface. We tend to hold onto it for ridiculous amounts of time until one day, boom. Yeah, I know, Kathy, that happens with everyone. Delayed gratification and all. The difference with ADHDers is that we usually don’t wait.

ADHDers’ anger will come out initially, because we can’t suppress it. We’re impulsive as fuck. We don’t think before we leap (our brains probably wouldn’t let us anyway). And it will seem like we are flying off the handle for no reason whatsoever. But we also have a tendency to unhealthily hold onto it afterwards even once the initial burst has happened. It’s like a (bad!) positive feedback loop.

14. Gotta bounce the leg. Gotta rock. Gotta fidget. Shit, I’m sorry, were you talking?

So one time I made it through 40 minutes of a math class actively suppressing the urge to bounce my leg… and then my leg twitched of its own accord. Freaky as shit, 0/10 recommend.

Sitting still is physically impossible for me, and for a lot of ADHDers. Lack of impulse control + lack of social cue knowledge + lack of ability to decide what’s important to our brains = Fidget fidget. Fidget fidget. Twitch. Fiddle with paper. Hey, my backpack has a fun texture by the zipper. Oh my God, that lady on the TV is wearing the best shade of blue ever! I wonder where she got it. Shit, I need to go shopping. Wait, why did I need to go shopping again?

“Hey I asked you what you got for number 7.”

Fuck.

15. Depressive episodes. For me, these usually happen after a major hyperfocus where I taxed my brain for all it was worth, especially for long periods of time.

If it lasts for a long time or starts seriously affecting your life, get it checked out. If your doctor gives a damn they’ll be happy you came in to get it checked, even if it was the wrong diagnosis, because if it had been then at least they were there to help you. And they’ll always be happy to sit down and figure out what’s wrong. I know they have to watch out for hypochondriacs and whatnot. But if a doctor really cares about helping people they’ll listen when you say something’s wrong, because they know that you’re the one in your skin, not them. Which means if you really think something might be wrong, something probably is.

More evidence: justexecutivedysfunctionthings here on tumblr. Contains people’s experiences with EXDYF, which is a huge red flag for ADHD.

The Wikipedia article on the subject. There’s a nicely organized chart. (Or at least there was when I looked at it.) Remember, you don’t have to identify with all of the symptoms to be ADHD. Even if you only identify with a few, if they’re significant enough that they are seriously impacting your life and existence, it’s worth getting checked out.

I may add more to this later/change some stuff as my memory allows.

#long post #adhd #asks

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irastayshome · 5 years

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Ibrahim's birth

Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.

So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.

19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.

It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.

20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.

Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.

Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.

Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.

So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.

At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.

By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.

6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.

So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.

8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.

My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.

They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.

Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.

Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.

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authenticaussie · 7 years

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Send me a ship MarcoAce~!

who’s the werewolf and who’s the hunter

Marco is the werewolf and Ace is the hunter!!! I mean like, the concept of ASL as werewolves and Ace as an angry lone wolf is Great TM but also like?? The WBs are totally a pack and they adopt like everyone. Also Marco’s like, huge in wolf form and probably has fur a bit like a russian blue?? So he totally Looks sleek and deadly and then omfg he’s the Biggest worried mama around the smoll weres or the newly turned weres etc.

I can also imagine being a werewolf is a pretty rare trait, it might be recessive rather than dominant (my friend and I the other day were laughing over the thought of people only being werewolves if they were born on a full moon and werewolf moms just being like NO. IM NOT HAVING MY BABY YET “m’am please the baby is coming now” GOTTA WAIT TILL THE FULL MOON “ma’m thAT’S LIKE 3 WEEKS AWAY”). So like !!! ace knowing a werewolf killed his mom and knowing his dad was a werewolf, so…………………..

who’s the mermaid and who’s the fisherman

Ace likes to work w/ his hands a lot!!! And depending on where you fish etc. it can be Lonely. So I can totally see him being a fisherman. But also like I can imagine deep-sea trawler marco + his brothers and just What the Fuck did they just catch. So Mer!ace and fisherman!marco

who’s the witch and who’s the familiar

Marco’s totes the familiar but Ace is a really really bad witch. Like?? He never practices, he barely does spells for people, he kinda just punches his enemies instead of cursing them….So like Marco just sighs in Perpetual aggravation and most of ace’s magic is!! run through his familair, and when he does spells they do them together. It means Ace is pretty powerful tho!!! and Marco’s really smart. Also probably why he can turn into a human w/ such ease too sniggers. Just. Was like. “Look gods, my human’s useless. I’m gonna use this magic and learn how to shapeshift okay??”

who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addict

Ace is the barista and Marco is Exhausted 24/7 he’s totally the coffee addict. Like!! Usually he’s Amazing at balancing things and he’s totally a morning person and good at wrangling his fam but

When it’s bad??? It’s Baaaaad. He orders six coffees and drains two of them and then comes back an hour later for 4 more and Ace is like uhhhh I’m….Concerned,,,,,

Also Ace probably laughs Forever when people ask for recommendations bc caffeine messes w/ his narcolepsy medication so he can’t have it. His friends laugh bc his job is literally him being around caffeine all day, but the bosses like it bc he doesn’t drink coffee while he’s on the job lol.

who’s the professor and who’s the TA

For all his faults and difficulty interacting w/ people, I can see Ace as a really really good tutor. But not a professor. He isn’t that interested in learning just one thing. He has to know everything. Anything he’s interested in, he just goes out and learns. It makes him Weirdly knowledgeable about the most random of things, but Bad for excessive amounts of study. So he’d totally be the TA, but he’d be even more scatterbrained than Professor Marco, who is on top of everything until One Thing in his schedule gets kicked out of place. Then he needs like 14 coffees to stay alive and walks in looking like he slept on a bench outside the lecture hall and Ace is actually the surprisingly organised one, and bounces in all cheerful and peppy.

who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)

they’re both so good to imagine as princes tho

Honestly most of the time I lean towards !!! Prince!Ace because, well, his dad is a King (of sorts). But like, if it’s prince vs knight then??? Abt 95% of the time it’s Totally knight!ace. Like??? Loyal to a self-sacrificial fault, would guard the prince w/ his life/dedicate his life to protecting Marco…Be ridiculously stubborn whenever marco’s like “hey here’s this….dangerous thing i want to do” / “DON’T YOU DARE MARCO” / “Ace I have a healing ability and aLSO I SAW YOU DOING THIS JUST LAST WEEK”

Also Marco’s better suited to diplomacy lol

my favourite thing abt royalty!aus is that,,,,they usually come w/ arranged marriage and then whoever is the knight/servant Pines to a depressing degree. Ugh, I love!!!! it!!!

who’s the teacher and who’s the single parent

Marco’s the “”single”” (in the dating sense) of like………so many siblings, but also like?? these siblings are taken care of by so many other people, so like??? One week Haruta picks up the kids, the next it’s thatch and izo and namur all switching off, so like, dropping them off and then someone picks them up and then by the time it gets to marco ace is like right you are NOT taking these kids, how many parents do they have?????!!!???

“Communal living” Marco says, shrugging. Also I’m imaging at the beginning of the year just. Ace ccalling out names and like it’s basically a whole list of “newgate” and he’s like wtf

who’s the writer and who’s the editor

It depends on what’s being written!! Marco would write short kid’s books and creative nonfiction, whereas Ace might publish the weirdest, most eclectic collection of fantasy novels. Honestly they’d Totally be rivals, in a weird way, because they’ve read the others’ stuff and Enjoyed it but been like CAN’T ADMIT THAT. If not tho, Marco’s totally the editor and ace is the writer. Marco’s too Pedantic, and ace just. Grammer and spelling are too finicky for him to know Everything

#ahhhh haha I got a lot of these omfg #in a startlingly short amount of time too !?#empresskira #ask aussie #ships //#i don't want to tag it w/ the ship name but it's Hard to keep my organisation tags Safe pfft #marace #marcoace #acemarco

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reesebird · 6 years

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New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/02/13/im-debating-burning-bridges-with-blood-family-any-advice/

I’m debating burning bridges with blood family. Any advice?

So, this is a little hard to talk about but I’ll try. I grew up in a fairly “average” household. Mom, dad, 1 sibling, 1-2 dogs, for a total of 4 humans and a pet or two at any one time. Before the ‘08 recession, my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and my dad worked. Following the recession, my mom went back to work, and my dad went from working 40 hours a week to 90+ hours a week. Not the healthiest, but not exactly abusive or anything like that. I’m starting with this, because I want to establish a baseline – my family wasn’t a “classically abusive family” like some of my friends and peers.

When I was in elementary school, there were 3 things that stood out. First, I was bullied incessantly by everyone (save literally one student I became friends with, but have since fallen out of touch). This began with verbal bullying, then in middle school escalated to being beaten up on four separate occasions, and finally, being punched in the face right in front of the teacher, who refused to do anything. Second, I wasn’t ever challenged academically. After kindergarten (which I completed at the local public school), I stopped being really taught. I attended a private religious school whose standards were so garbage that aside from handwriting, I learned next to nothing in my 8 years in attendance. Most of the teachers were lazy, and they cared only about turning in the homework. You could have every answer wrong on every piece of homework, and every answer wrong on every test, but by virtue of having turned something in, you were considered a “good student”. Meanwhile, anyone who had a “reputation for being smart” would be berated and belittled by the teachers for being ahead of the lesson plan. I was even handed a failing grade on a science project because the teacher hated me. And my grades slowly suffered. Not being challenged like I would’ve been at a public school, I slowly gave up. I went from a straight-A+ student to a student barely making C’s between 3rd & 8th grade. Not because I didn’t get the material (though I definitely didn’t get Spanish, and I thought religion made no logical, scientific sense), but because the homework just bored me to tears. My mom would yell at me every report card I didn’t get an A+, too. My first B, I was grounded for a month. When I started getting C’s, she told me I was worthless. And, when I failed Spanish my last quarter in 8th grade, she threatened to disown me. The third thing that stood out was that in spite of all of this, I tried to keep learning. I read constantly. Between 6th and 8th grade, I kept a spreadsheet of all the books I read, and what genre they were, and in total, read just shy of 1,000 books between my first day of 6th grade and my last day of 8th grade. I tried out Khan Academy, and did independent research. I even learned how to use the library’s database on my own so I could read engineering journals for free. And, all in all, I still loved academia.

In high school though, things began really breaking. I’d wanted to attend this fairly prestigious public school that had an actual engineering program (that included shop time!). But, my mom, not wanting me to risk getting involved with drugs and alcohol and gangs and underage sex and shit like that, very intentionally didn’t wake me on the day for testing to go to that school (we had 1 alarm clock in the house at the time, which was my parents’). So I missed the test. And couldn’t go. So, desperate for a chance to not fuck everything up, I tested at one of the 2 most rigorous private schools in the area. I got in, and was immediately made aware that I’d not learned anywhere near enough in grade school. I didn’t know enough to pass algebra 1 in math, I only passed English because my teacher gave me extended deadlines for everything, and in Chinese, despite doing extremely well at first, the original teacher left (family emergency) and I failed because the new teacher made no sense to me. And I struggled. And failed. And my mom would berate and belittle me for it. Finally, I was told I had failed out my freshman year. I hated myself. Everything I was taught to value – what I was taught was my only value – had just been demonstrated to me to be nonexistent. And therefore, I had no value.

Nowhere to go, I stayed at home that summer. I was brought to a crackpot psychiatrist by my mom, and diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. He recommended heavy, regulated, and monitored medication, but my mom wouldn’t hear any of it. She finally caved when told about the weakest medication that had the most marginal chance of helping me, but made me figure it out on my own, and with no supervision. She made me enroll in online classes so that I wouldn’t “waste my life being worthless”. I can’t learn online – it’s too detached, with nothing tactile, and no accountability. And it sucked. My depression got worse, and my medication did nothing, and finally, after a massive argument with my mom, I attempted suicide. My mom got home, and found me right before I would’ve died. She called 911, and I was taken to the hospital. My dad rushed home when he heard what had happened. He brought me my childhood stuffed animal, and fresh clothing, and made sure I was given food the moment I was cleared to. He even slept on the floor of the hospital room so he’d be with me. My mom? She didn’t spend time with me. She went, and told everyone she knew about what had happened, even though I explicitly told her that I wanted privacy on the matter. She continuously violated my trust, and refused to own up to it.

Fast forward to the summer I turned 16. I was slowly recovering from depression (and, as had been discovered by the actual psychiatrists I saw in the hospital, PTSD). I’d just gotten out of a relationship where I’d been gaslighted (though at the time, I didn’t know the word for it), and was questioning my gender identity and sexual orientation. I went to the library every day I could, and spoke with the librarians there all the time. They became more family to me than the family I’d been born with. They provided me resources, and helped me understand what I was going through. And when I finally came out, they were the first ones I came out to. When I was 17, I was walking the dogs with my dad one day, when he asked me when I was going to get my driver’s license (I’d not been in a brick-and-mortar school since my freshman year of high school, and I never really did research into driver’s ed). I told him I wanted to wait. He asked me until when. I then, in probably the dumbest move possible, said “until I can transition and change my gender marker.” His reaction was about what was fair, given that I’d never mentioned gender identity in the past to my parents. However, 6 months later, when in a family therapy session, I told my parents I was trans and wanted to medically transition, my dad responded with “let me look into insurance first, please.” My mom? She nearly made me homeless, and were it not for my dad putting his foot down and demanding she treat me with the dignity of a human being, I think that was what she wanted to do.

Over the course of the next year, I was constantly arguing with my mom, who thought my being trans was me trying to “get back at her” for the argument we’d had when I was 15 that led to my suicide attempt. Finally, exhausted, I gave up. I couldn’t take her anymore. I took the GED, got my high school equivalency certificate, and enrolled in community college. I began taking classes right away, hoping that my natural love for learning would be enough. Unfortunately it wasn’t, and I struggled. I took remedials though, and I eventually learned everything I needed. I recently got everything in line to train as a Honda-certified dealership mechanic. This past year, I dipped into my personal savings and began paying for medical transition through my local Planned Parenthood clinic, and got a psych evaluation done that led to a definitive diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum (a psych eval my mom refused to pay for when I was in the hospital)

I’m now 4 months into transition, and have a stable job & classes to take. I have a small network of close friends, and a couple of people who are basically unofficial surrogate family for me. I’m dating a wonderful woman who I’m absolutely in love with. And, I finally have enough money together to move out and burn bridges. Which brings us back to that question. My mom, I have learned, uses gaslighting tactics, is manipulative, and, had I known at a time that I could report it to DCFS, *clearly* qualifies as emotionally and psychologically abusive. My dad, while not a bad person, has this giant extended family (60+ total) that I hate (minus my grandpa & 1 cousin), but that he refuses to cut ties with. My younger brother isn’t terrible, but he’s a bit of an ass at times – standard sibling stuff. When I spent New Years with my girlfriend, I’d never felt safer, calmer, or more happy. Sure, part of that is that the relationship is still relatively young, but the safety? I don’t feel safe with anyone, even with the librarians I’m still in touch with, who I trust enough that I’d be confident in making them authorized medical decision makers in the event of my incapacitation (if not for state regulations making it impossible for that to happen). Is the potential damage worth it, in the end?

tl;dr – should I start fresh, even if I regret potentially hurting my dad?

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