#i love how they stayed friends irl even after the breakup and all that

[amuyyi]

warm enough .

synopsis; recovering from an expected breakup, you find yourself drunk at a nearby bar, encountering an unfamiliar girl who happens to know your ex.

trope; non idol!ningning x fem!reader, uni au, fluff, a little angst, a little suggestive, strangers to lovers, feat. kep1er members :3

wc; 4.8k

cw; a little suggestive but not really

a/n; fun fact this happened to me irl ! figured i could use my experiences for stories ! everything from the breakup to the bar kiss is based on my personal experience so lol have fun. also its kinda poorly written because i wrote some of it while on the plane + in china while being very tired and i dont feel like proofreading so im sorry ^^'

The breakup was supposed to be a mutual thing. A smooth and easy agreement between you and Jimin. You guys met in a cafe when your soon-to-be-ex girlfriend finally dropped the bomb on you. 

“I still care a lot about you, y/n. But I want to focus on myself and my future… I think you should too.”

You wanted to speak up, say that you didn’t want to let go yet. Just… hold on for a little longer. Maybe it’d get better if you guys just kept it going for another week. Another month. Another day?

 “What I’m trying to say is…”

You always hated this part.

“I think we should break up.”

Despite the older girl being the one to initiate the ending of the relationship, you always knew it was coming. Jimin was sweet, and you definitely did enjoy the little dates you guys had been on through the past year, but there was something missing. Every time she looked at you, it seemed like she was looking through your eyes into her own. Her mind was always elsewhere whenever you two were together, like she was searching for something you couldn’t provide. She never seemed to smile around you, never laughed loudly or hugged you with warmth. 

You really tried to be the person for her, you really did; but it was apparent that she was trying to convince herself you were the one as well.

It was shown in the way she bought you endless gifts with things you said you wanted, but never kissed you, In the way she would allow you to hold her hand, but never reached out herself, how she couldn’t bring herself to say “I love you” out loud. Jimin was cold.

You agreed that this was the best path to take, how you felt the exact same way and that it would be good for the both of you, but the tears that nonconsensually left your eyes said otherwise. You still remember the last words you told her before you got up to leave.

“I really hoped it was you.”

There's a saying or the other. “Your body will know if someone is right for you.” You came across it while aimlessly scrolling on social media once, and you thought it was an interesting but ridiculous concept. Countless people would share stories about how their hair would fall out or how they would break out into horrible acne when they were with their past partners, only being relieved from this when single or with their “match.”

It was funny, and you didn’t believe one bit of it until it actually happened. The tightness in your chest that followed you every time you two went out together, the stress of wondering if she actually enjoyed her company, the way you couldn’t truly relax in her presence– it all went away. It all left when she walked out of your life, and you’ve never felt more at peace with a decision. At least, for a little bit.

The breakup was the easy part. It was the recovery that ruined you.

You were the one to establish a rule of no contact, even after you both expressed wanting to stay in touch. It was your only way to hold on to the last sliver of pride you had left after spending a year chasing after Yu Jimin. The rule was established to allow you some time to heal, and you hoped to return to the girl as friends once you felt ready.

With this in mind, you then proceeded to spend a month barely eating, barely sleeping, and not leaving your apartment unless you needed to for classes. It was difficult to be on your own after dedicating so much time to her, falling behind, hoping that she would see you the way you saw her; but after about a month, you slowly felt yourself regaining your footing.

You started going out again, talking with your roommate, taking time to actually care for yourself. It was nice. Perhaps your progress would have left you comfortable enough to move on if you didn’t decide to go out that day.

There she was. Yu Jimin. After an exact 31 days of no contact with her, you finally cross paths. Quite literally, at that– but she wasn’t alone. There was a girl on her arm. She was pretty. Blonde with bobbed hair and a soft smile that made it impossible to hate her. Jimin was smiling too. This is the first time you’ve seen her smile like that, smiling as if she found what she was looking for after all of this time. She doesn't look past her. She sees her.

Jimin holds the other girl by the small of her waist the way she used to do with you, and she kisses her. She kissed her. Just like how she used to kiss you, but not exactly. There's love in her eyes. A warmth you’ve never seen before. In her eyes, there is certainty.

And that was the day your world came crashing down on top of you.

You tried to act normal as you walked past. You really did. Your eyes remain glued to your phone as your knuckles turn white. Her eyes didn’t even meet yours as you walked by. Why wouldn't she look at you? Maybe she's wondering why you won't look at her. That must be it. You hold your breath. As soon as she passed by, you couldn’t help yourself. You made the mistake of looking back.

…Nothing.

As soon as Jimin was out of sight, you cried. You ran home, scaring half the life out of your poor roommate, Xiaoting, as you collapsed in your bed. Everything hurts. Why did it hurt? You wanted this. You felt better without her— the tightness in your chest was gone. 

Instead, it was replaced by an indescribably painful ache. One that felt so deep within your soul it would never heal. Quietly entering your room, Xiaoting says nothing as she sits next to your limp body on the bed, rubbing your back comfortingly. The gesture only makes you sob even harder. 

She's been with you through it all. From the beginning of your relationship with Jimin till the end, she was there. Xiaoting really was a good friend.

From then on, Xiaoting’s one goal was simple: cheer you up. She would cook at least once for you every day despite not being the best chef, and she would allow you to rant about the same things over and over no matter how overbearing it got. Honestly, you started to feel a little bad. She shouldn’t have to bend over backwards for you just because you’re a little sad.

So when Xiaoting announces that you will be joining her at the bar with her friends tonight, you couldn't say no. Both because she stated it, not asked you, and that it simply was the least you could do for her. Especially after everything she’s done for you. Before you knew it, you were dressed up in your best (slutty) corset top and cargo pants with some hoops and over exaggerated makeup to accent the look. Xiaoting, as your best roommate and friend, matches with you, and you two make a big scene out of getting ready together; blasting music, doing each other's hair, borrowing each other's clothes, and more.

Xiaoting’s girlfriend Yujin had made herself at home for the pregame, and your mutual friend Hikaru soon followed. With Xiaoting as designated bartender, the four of you mingle, laughing and cracking jokes as the warmth of the alcohol and one another’s presence left you with a warming buzz. Xiaoting was an excellent mixer, and in combination with the chasers Hikaru bought and the drinking games Yujin proposed, you were all ready to go. 

Xiaoting and Yujin led the way, hand in hand as you and Hikaru trailed behind, drunkenly singing into the cold night air as you trek to the nearest bar.

Being a Friday night, the establishment had been as packed as expected, and you all squeezed your way past other visitors as you’re guided to a nearby table. Xiaoting starts off strong, ordering shots for the entire group before utilizing her combined charm alongside her girlfriend’s looks to convince guys to purchase drinks for everyone as well. You couldn’t help but laugh at the way the duo would bat their eyelashes innocently at lone men for drinks– but at least it worked.

Lazily, your eyes wander through the crowd, the alcohol in your system making it a struggle to see straight. Despite your inability to see properly, you still manage to catch a glimpse of your friends from the corner of your eye, and easily spot Yujin attempting to very publicly make out with Xiaoting as Hikaru struggles to pull her away. You stifle a laugh at the sight, and decide to leave the three to their antics whilst you look for someone to talk to.

It's been a while since you last struck up a conversation with a stranger. The last time you had put yourself out there was before you met… 

You shake your head. No. You are not letting your stupid ex ruin your night. Knitting your brows in concentration, you scan the bar. There were plenty of pretty girls to talk to, but you were feeling a little intimidated. Almost all of them came with at least one other person, and you didn’t want to intrude on anything…

 Your eyes landed on a lone blonde at the end of the table, scrolling through her phone with alcohol flushed cheeks. She seemed approachable. Worst case scenario, she simply shoos you off. Taking a deep breath, you approach the blonde, deciding to pull out your best conversation starter.

“Are you chinese? You look chinese!!” You exclaim, suddenly switching to mandarin in the middle of your sentence as you ask the question. Smooth.

The blonde girl looks as if she would’ve been extremely offended at the comment if you didn't just speak to her in her native tongue halfway through your sentence, and she quirks a brow at you, an amused smirk on her lips as she leans against the bar. 

“Yeah, I am! What's a cutie like you doing in a place like this alone??” 

You feel your heart begin to race. So far so good. “I'm not alone!!! My friends are just busy making out with each other and the other is trying to stop them!!” You also lean on the bar, though not as alluring as the blonde before you. More like you partially collapsed and partially slid on it.

She chortles at your response, “well that's not fair to you, leaving you here all alone.”

The sweet and somewhat sultry tone of the blonde makes (non alcohol induced) blush appear on your face as you laugh, “it really isn't! But whatever! My name is y/n by the way!! What's yours??” You scream over the music, sticking your hand out. It was an unexpectedly polite gesture considering your circumstances, and perhaps it may have seemed a bit comical as well with how drunk you were.

She giggles at the response, grabbing your hand then pulling you in, her lips dangerously close to your ear as she yells over the music, “Ning Yizhuo. But call me Ningning! It's cuter!”

You grin. Ningning was a cute nickname. You decided at this very moment you could trust this cute stranger with your life story and personal information she didn’t ask for, and begin to slur out.

“My friends dragged me out here because I was sad over my ex who moved on from me a month after the breakup even though we dated for a year and she's a big jerk for that even though I wish only the best for her but also I hope she dies!!!”

None of the words you spoke just now came out clear, and they seemed to trip over one another when leaving your mouth, but it was enough for the other girl to go from extremely relaxed to suddenly very heated. She stands up straight as her eyebrows knit together.

“To be honest I don’t think she ever really liked me in the first place! I don’t know!! Whatever it doesn’t matter!!!” You continue on, sounding absolutely pathetic as you let yourself feel through the anger you didn’t even know you were repressing, “I was stupid to stay with someone who couldn’t even look me in the eye when saying she loved me!! She was stupid to do the same!! Whatever!! I don’t know!!”

Ningning cuts you off with a raised hand before you can continue, “what the hell?! I hate people like that!!  You're wayyyy too hot to be treated that way! Who is she? What's her name?? I might know her!!”

Against your better drunken judgment, you decide to name drop your ex within a university bar. Because that is always a good idea. “Yu Jimin!! She's a engineering major !!!”

Ningning’s jaw drops as she stares at you, almost as if she were trying to find the correct words for what she has to say next.

“Girl, I know her !!!” She screams out after a brief moment of silence,  “we shared a class together once!! Oh my god I'm so sorry I didn't know she was like that!! You deserve BETTER!” 

Before you could even think of what to say in reaction to that heavy load of information, Ningning grabs your face, pulling you into a kiss. It was a very messy one, her lips almost missing your own during the exchange. Seems like she's not entirely sober either. 

Still, even in your drunken state you knew what to do. Your hands immediately find Ningnings hair as you pull her in closer, and you can feel her smiling as she grazes her tongue over the bottom of your lip. 

You open your mouth to let her in and the only thing that you can think of or even feel for that matter is Ningning and her tongue. She… was really good at this. Jimin never kissed you like this before. Her hands trail down your back to your ass before she squeezes it, smirking when you squirm against her touch.

She breaks the kiss, her face inches away from yours as she breathes out, “you deserve so much better…” Ningning gives you a quick peck on the lips before stepping back, taking in her work with a devilish glint in her eyes. You stare at her dumbfounded for a moment before whipping out your phone, fully talking in your appearance. Your hair and makeup were a wreck. How did all of that happen just now?

“Done by yours truly~” Ningning winks at you, quickly slipping your phone out of your hand and typing something in.

“Wh— Wait what are you doing?”

“Giving you my number, obviously. My girls are gonna wonder where I went.” She hands back your phone and looks at you with soft eyes through her drunken daze. 

“Take care of yourself, yeah?” Ningning kisses you one last time, giving your hand a squeeze before letting go. She disappears into the crowd of partygoers, a sly fox-like grin on her face.

“There you are!” 

You feel an arm land on your shoulder as you jump, twirling around and looking down to see a drunk Hikaru with a slightly less drunk Xiaoting and an absolutely hammered Yujin on her side.

“We should probably head back home!” Xiaoting screams into your ear, “Hikaru’s gonna knock out on the couch and Yujin will be with me!”

Her words barely make it through to you, the music and the alcohol and the adrenaline within your system muffling out every word spoken. Regardless, you still nod and trail behind your friends as you leave, not all too sure what just happened.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

You lay in bed, eyes practically burning holes into the new contact in your phone. “宁宁<3” is what it said. 

So last night wasn’t just a dream. You really did just get a girl's number by doing nothing but spilling your secrets to a stranger. On top of all of that, your head was absolutely killing you, you swore you could feel your heartbeat within your brain. Still, that wasn’t important. Biting your lip, your fingers hover over the contact name. Should you message her? 

y/n [10:59]  — hey !! its y/n, the girl from the bar

y/n [10:59]  — thanks for keeping me company last night :)

ningning [11:06]  — i was wondering if u were gonna text me back

ningning [11:06] — and of course <3 jimin doesn’t know what she lost

y/n [11:08] — haha im flattered

y/n [11:08]  — but u barely know me??

ningning [11:11]  — that can change xx

Your eyes widen as you reread the text over and over again. Is she implying what you think she's implying? What if she's just being friendly? Can you even platonically make out with someone at the bar?

y/n [11:16] — are u asking me out on a date ning yizhuo ?

You wait. 

Oh god. What if she was just being friendly?

ningning [11:18]  — only if youll have me 

You feel yourself blush at her message, burying your face into your pillow as you squeal like a high school teenager in love. It was embarrassing in hindsight, but.. it felt nice to be wanted. 

y/n [11:19] —  of course

ningning [11:19] — perfect <3 

ningning [11:20] — dinner at my place tonight then? 

ningning [11:20] — If youre not too hungover.. 

ningning [11:20] — i got the best hangover cures ;)

you can't help but arch your eyebrow at the winky face she added at the end but brushed it off, more focused on the fact that your drunk hatred towards your ex landed you a date. 

You scramble to your feet and (metaphorically) kick down Xiaoting’s door, abruptly waking the girl from her nap as she screams out, “WO CAO!” She places a hand over her heart as she bolts up within her bed, immediately letting out a sigh of relief when she realizes it was just you. 

“Girl what the HELL is wrong with you?!” She hisses, laying back down and throwing the blanket over her head.

You, being the ever loving and best roommate ever, respond to this by jumping into bed with (on top of) the redhead and squeezing her as tight as you can while screaming “I HAVE A DATE!!!”

Xiaoting shoots back up, your arms still latched onto her torso as she looks down at you, eyes wide. “Wait, are you serious?”

You hear a low groan and a hand slapping your arm as you roll your eyes, slapping the arm back as the voice of Yujin grumbles out and shuffles deeper within the sheets.

Both you and Xiaoting look at one another and giggle before she quietly slips out of bed, quickly placing a kiss on Yujins head before grabbing your arm and leading you out of her room. Once outside, she firmly grasps your shoulders. 

“Okay, now tell me everything.”

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

You nervously stand outside of Ningnings apartment, bag clutched in hand as you look back behind you. Xiaoting sat within her car on the side of the road, keeping an eye on you to make sure this girl wasn’t going to kidnap you or the other.

The two of you (and soon enough Yujin and Hikaru) had spent the day giving you pointers on how to go about the date. They had thrown an ungodly amount of clothes your way as well as telling you endless conversation starters and compliments to give another person. By the end of it all your head was overflowing with information that you were going to forget as soon as you head out the door, and all of your closet was sprawled on your bedroom floor and in the living room. Still, the girls seemed quite proud of their work.

All of you had consecutively agreed on an outfit that was nice, but not too nice. You wore a plaid skirt paired with a simple tank top and an off the shoulder cardigan.

Holding your breath, you ring the doorbell. You really hoped this wasn’t a mistake. When was the last time you were actually on a date with someone? You couldn't remember. After a few moments of silence, you hear shuffling followed by the door unlocking and Ningning poking her head out shyly. Her eyes light up at the sight of you before opening the door completely, revealing her outfit.

She wore an oversized plaid button up, unintentionally matching with your skirt alongside baggy jeans and some bunny slippers you thought were incredibly cute. Her hair was tied up in a messy but charming bun, held up by a hair stick with small gemstones dangling from the end.

This Ningning was completely different from the one you had met at the bar last night. Though, you suppose you were a different person now as well.

“You're here! Come in come in!” She grabs your hand and guides you inside. Flustered, you spare a quick glance behind you, and you can spot the silhouette of Xiaoting throwing a thumbs up from her car before Ningning closes the door behind you.

“You look gorgeous today, by the way,” Ningning compliments, her thumb rubbing over your fingers as she walks you through her apartment. The gesture makes your cheeks warm, and you find yourself easing into her touch like putty. It was a touch that was loving. Kind. Intentional. 

Her home was cozy, with white walls paired alongside warm lighting and paintings and other wall art lining the interior. There was an appetizing aroma that wafted through the air, and you had remembered that Ningning had offered to cook for you.

“What have you prepared for us tonight, chef Ningning?” You ask, squeezing her hand as she grins, “Well it's not much, I'm not a really good cook but I decided to make us some dumplings! A little basic, but it's the only dish I feel like I’ve actually perfected.”

“I hope this is the hangover cure you mentioned” you comment lightheartedly, and you sense a playful energy in the way she looks back at you.

“You'll find out soon enough.”

You once again find yourself quirking a brow at her vague answers, but she simply smiles at you innocently and you find yourself smiling back. It was hard to not be amused by her.

Ningning guides you to the kitchen, which was cleaned perfectly for your arrival. On the center of the table were multiple bamboo steamer baskets, as well as a large tea pot and a simple glass bottle with various native wildflowers as a centerpiece. 

The other girl pulls out a chair for you, and you teasing grin at the polite gesture, “how romantic, Ninging~”

She rolls her eyes and giggles before settling down herself, instantaneously pouring you a cup of tea as she gestures at the baskets, “go on, dig in. I’ll be personally offended if you don’t.”

Chuckling, you open up the baskets, releasing clouds of steam before revealing multiple handmade dumplings with various fillings and differing folding styles. Your eyes widen, and you simply comment, “wow,” before taking the first bite of the food.

To say that it tasted amazing was an understatement– you practically felt like you were thrown back to the motherland with a single bite, and it wasn’t long before you were filling your plate with more.

The two of you had spent the rest of the evening getting to know one another more. You had learned she was a computer science major and going onto her third year of uni, as well as the fact she was from Harbing whilst you shared that you were from Shanghai. 

“Big city girl, huh?” Ningning amusedly comments, sipping on her tea as you roll your eyes, “yeah… But I'm not rich or anything before you ask.”

The blonde feigns rejection as she snaps her fingers, “damn. I was gonna ask you to buy drinks next time we head to the bars, I think you owe me. ” She smiles at you, and it's warm.

You liked this. You liked how easy it was to talk to her. It was never this easy before.

Soon enough you had ended up on Ningning’s couch, browsing through movies aimlessly as the hefty meal threatened to send you into a food coma. The blonde lay comfortably in your arms underneath a blanket, her eyes occasionally fluttering shut as you continued to search for something to watch.

“Hmm, what about… Velocipastor?” The name completely throws you off guard, prompting you to click on it, skimming over the description as you feel the vibration of Ninging lazily humming beneath you. 

“Oh that movie is really good, trust me.”

“... Really? Are you sure, Ning?”

“Yeah yeah…” Her eyes were already shut as she spoke, nuzzling in closer to you as you chuckle, putting on the movie as you wrap your arms around her, pulling her in closer. 

Honestly, the movie seemed to be an excuse for the girl to be physically close to you– maybe get a nap in? You weren’t even sure if she was watching the movie at this point. Still, maybe it was for the best. Velocipastor was definitely not well funded within its production, that much could be seen. Plus, you couldn't complain about having a cute girl in your arms.

“Does your head still hurt?”

Ningning’s soft voice rings out, startling you. Honestly, you were getting pretty invested in the film, you had thought she already fell asleep.

“Mmm, a little. I don’t think your hangover cure worked.”

“Oh, the dumplings weren’t the cure.”

Your head cocks to the side as you tear your gaze away from the tv screen, looking down at the girl nestled on your chest as she looks back up at you. There was that all too familiar glint in her eyes again.

“Then what is?”

A mischievous grin curls on her lips before she leans in, connecting her lips with yours. Still a bit sluggish from the night before alongside a hefty meal, her kissing was a bit sloppy, but it was soft. Much softer than before.

You feel yourself almost immediately sigh into the kiss, and you would have found it embarrassing if she didnt guide her hand up your chest, to your neck, and into your hair, soon deepening the kiss. 

Not expecting things to escalate so soon, you couldn’t help but let out a soft whimper as your hands landed on her hips, nails digging into her sides desperately as she laughs against your lips, pulling back. 

“You’re really cute, y’know?” She purrs, using her hand to brush a strand of hair out of your face, and you can see the hint of pink spread across her lips as she smiles, drinking in the sight of you.

Before you even have a chance to respond, Ningning tackles your jawline, trailing kisses down your face and onto your neck. You try to respond, but when she starts to nip the side of your neck, the words you wanted to say somehow managed to melt into complete mush.

“Mmhmmhgh…” 

The sound that escapes your lips allows you the chance to actually feel embarrassed, and you slam a hand over your lips, looking away from Ninging. Your response elicits another laugh from the blonde, and you swear you could listen to the sound forever. 

Her symphony soon quiets though, and Ningning looks you straight in the eye, her gaze softening as she opens her mouth, struggling to find the right words to say.

“Look, I know we just met…” she trails off for a moment, almost a bit shy to continue, “but if you want to give me a chance and see where this goes, I promise I’ll treat you so well.” 

Her eyes are filled with genuine desire for you, and you couldn’t help but feel… Isolated? Targetted? For the first time you feel like you’re seen, and you don’t know what to do about it.

She presses on, “I’d really like to see you again, and I know you’re going through a lot right now but I want to be there with you every step of the way. I want to see where this takes us.”

“I want you, y/n.”

Your face heats up instantaneously, and you swear your eyes were threatening to bulge out of your skull right then and there. You look at her in silence as you struggle to find your words, and after a few seconds you finally croak out,

“I… I want to see where this takes us too, Ningning.”

Her eyes brighten at your response, and she beams, pulling you into a tight hug on the couch before interlocking her lips with yours once again. You giggle into the kiss, and throw the blanket over the two of you as the movie on the tv buzzed on. For the first time, you found someone warm enough for you.

[comicbookhyperfixationtime]

Uncanny X-Men #194- Juggernaut's Back in Town

Last Issue Recap: The team fought Thunderbird's identical brother and his Hellion friends in a US base, tanked whatever remained of their superhero credibility and then proceeded to just let Thunderbird and the Hellions waltz on back to Emma Frost without any repercussions.

This cover is pretty cool, I wouldn’t say the composition is fantastic but it makes it pretty clear what this issue is going to be about (a big ol’ heavy hitter slap fight) and Rogue with Nightcrawler and Colossus’ powers is intriguing.

The issue doesn't start with a fight though, it starts with Juggernaut having a friendly conversation with the most oblivious cop in New York

Yessir, I'm sure the giant hunk of muscle wider than he is tall couldn't possibly have anything to do with the recently escaped super criminal. 10/10 polic-ing.

Juggernaut watches some news crew give exposition for new readers on him (there's plenty of convoluted backstory but all you really need to know is he's the Juggernaut, bitch) and his recent appearances in other comics (shameless plugins). They also remind us how the X-men and Spiderman (who was Juggernaut's latest foe) are Feared and Hated By the World They Have Sworn to Protect. The popularity of a Marvel character in-universe is indirectly proportional to their popularity IRL, thus why Wonderman is highly successful film star.

Cut to the X-men in the Currently-Not-Destroyed Xavier's School upstate waking up and not giving a singular fuck about one of their super criminals on the loose.

He stayed up all night watching old swashbuckler films ahhhh he's such a dork I love him! (Thirsty Sidenote: this is I think the first time Kurt has been drawn without a shirt and gloves on. In earlier issues he seemed to basically live 24/7 in his costume. Yes I noticed. Don't judge me.)

Nobody cares, that is, except for Colossus (aka Piotr Rasputin), who went from one of my favorite characters to least favorite characters when he started dating an underage Kitty Pryde until Marvel Editor in Chief Jim Shooter told them to stop (possibly the only good decisions Jim Shooter ever made). They wasted so much good himbo potential with this boy. Anyway, he's very excited for a rematch with Juggey after demolishing a few blocks with him in a post-breakup funk several issues ago. So excited he quite literally busts out of his clothes.

See, its dumbass himbo behavior like this I'd enjoy a lot more if I couldn't get the bad taste of him and Kitty out of my mouth. Screw you Claremont for ever thinking that was ok.

Wolverine comes in from his daily barefoot snow jog in purple pajamas to tell Nightcrawler to get the team ready to track down Juggernaut because blah blah its their jobs booo you spoilsport. Honestly I would have loved an issue where the X-men just stayed at home and did nothing. I find the cool-down moments in long running comic series are usually my favorite parts. Its nice to see how these characters interact with each other and live their lives when they aren't constantly in mortal peril. But the cover promised a big knockdown dragemout and so, the plot must keep plotting. (Side note: how did Wolvie even find out about the Juggernaut? Everyone else was listening to the radio but he was running outdoors. His plot sense was tingling I guess).

Since Cyclops is a married man, Storm has lost her powers and Professor X is off in Scotland doing New Mutants stuff, Kurt now has the sole leadership responsibility of the team. I've really enjoyed Kurt's run as team leader so far. He's doing his best but he's not cut out for leadership and its clear he hates every minute of it. He's an extroverted sweetheart who would rather support his friends. Its nice to see Nightcrawler get more stuff to do after barely being present for the past for story arcs. His self doubt is also a fantastic change of pace from the previous leadership dynamics, which were the team leader going "Wah wah wah I'm the leader and you have to do what I say I'm going to be a controlling little bitch," and the second in command/former leader muttering under their breath "I would be such a better leader I deserve this title more leader doesn't know what they're doing wah wah wah." It was basically a three way dick measuring contest between Cyclops, Storm and Professor X and I hated every egotistical minute of it.

Speaking of Storm, we cut to her in her home in Kenya showing some colonial douchecanoes who's boss. Storm was recently depowered by an antimutant weapon created by Forge (long story) and so has quit the team and is returning home to find inner peace or something. Being 80s Marvel Kenya is of course portrayed in a nuanced and intelligent manner- just kidding its a thatched roof bush station in the savannah and I'm pretty sure they only chose Mount Kilimanjaro because it was the only place in Africa they could name.

Also this specific Racist White Dude is using a South African slur (kaffir) in Kenya. I'd like to say the writers meant him to be a South African on vacation in Kenya but to be honest I don't think they were thinking that hard about it. If I'm wrong though and this isn't just an example of lazy writing, lmk.)

The women running bush station who Storm saves turns out to be a member of the tribe that worshipped her as a Goddess in her first appearance (because, again, Marvel is well known for their fantastic African representation /s) and falls at her feet. The implications of this are that the regional drought mentioned in previous panels is the result of Ororo joining the X-men and no longer acting as weather Goddess, which raises a whole bunch of questions about the morality of her decision to leave in the first place, as well as broader questions about the ecology of the Marvel Universe as a whole that literally superpowers were needed to keep the climate in the region stable in the first place (climate change must be hitting them hard and fast, forget the Setinels, this is the bad future y'all should be going back to stop!). Anyway, I'm sure at least some of these will be answered the next time we see her.

Back to the main storyline, Kitty and Rachel are spying on Juggernaut, who is in a bank in civies, seemingly doing ordinary, none-crime stuff.

Look at his giant butt in that tiny chair how could anybody be fooled by this?!

The stakeout is going pretty quietly until Nimrod shows up to finally do something. The panels showing him locking in on the X-men's location is pretty neat, but its giving me Deja Vu. I wonder if its because the panel is so famous I've seen it before, or if they copied some iconic imagery from something else (it is giving me Escape From New York vibes)

Rachel and Kitty evacuate the civies and regroup with the rest of the X-men as Nimrod focuses his attention on Juggernaut. He punches Juggernaut into a conveniently empty construction lot where they can beat the stuffing out of each other without the writers having to worry about civilians. Do you think construction lots cause superhero fights, or do superhero fights cause construction lots? Its a chicken-egg sort of thing I feel. The X-men show up to stick their noses in like a bunch of idiots and this is where I have to make my opinions on Nimrod known.

Nimrod is a mutant hunting cop-robot that had been introduced previously, having been pulled into the current timestream from the Days of Future Past timeline when Dr Strange reversed time to stop the spell of an evil wizard from turning Manhatten into a Hyborian Era fantasy kingdom. I personally think exchanging Fantasy AU Avengers for pink murderbot is a pretty lame deal, but what do I know. Anyway, he's spent all his time since his initial appearance living in some poor guy's basement, eating his snacks, taking up space and barely masquerading as human, much like me.

So. I'ma be honest. I don't like Nimrod. I think he looks like a stupid pink trapezoid. Also, his name is dumb. Yeah, yeah, Nimrod was a famous biblical hunter, I know, but like. This was the 80s. Bugs Bunny had been a thing for decades, "Nimrod" was already well established as an insult and honestly giving the guy that goofy-ass triangle head and Looney Toons-esque invulnerability is not helping the associations. Like, what the hell were the DoFP folks thinking?! But then again this is same Evil Future Government that decided Rachel's mutant hunter outfit should be a literal goddamn gimpsuit so I think its been well established that their real crime aren't against humanity but fashion.

He's also extremely OP in the worst way. I can't even keep track of how many powers this guy has. And you'd think that might make the fight's interesting, right, like you'll you never know what's going to happen next? No actually it makes everyfight extremely boring because I know exactly what's going to happen next, the X-men are going to attack with something and Nimrod is going to go "Nu-uh, you can't hit me I have my everything shield!" and take them out of the fight with some new weapon he pulled out of his ass. And that's exactly what happens this time. Nightcrawler and Colossus teleport into the fight? Nimrod's tracking systems immediately detect them and he blasts them unconscious. Wolverine does a fastball special?But oh no, a force field! Kitty phases through him? Not only does she not disrupt his systems, she gets knocked back by energy field!

The demonstration of Nimrod's bullshit powers is great here, but I actually wanted to post this because of Rachel's fit. Its so 80s but I kind of adore it. This nonsense continues even after Rogue absorbs Kitty, Nightcrawler and Colossus's powers in a Hail Mary. Don't get me wrong, Rogue kicks ass and its hella entertaining but Nimrod once again is on his bullshit. She punches him into a million tiny pieces and he just reforms himself! Then he teleports out of there because I guess even he knew this fight had dragged on long enough. Which is another thing I hate about Nimrod; they can never actually kill the bastard. He'll just teleport away and come back next time with even more bullshit. It'd be so cathartic if Rogue had finally just smacked him down for good but I have a feeling we'll be seeing a lot more of him in the future. The X-men let the Juggernaut go, despite him being a literal criminal, because they've been doing that a lot recently. Unfortunately for them, this time surprise news crews have been behind the fourth wall the whole time like its an episode of Impractical Jokers and now the whole world knows they didn't even try to do their job. And don't give me any "oh they were weak they knew they couldn't taken him" Juggernaut had his psionic bucket hat off and Rachel Summers was right there she could have taken him down with a single thought.

We end the comic with an ominous discussion about the X-men by two members of the Russian Security council.

You can tell its Moscow because of the picture perfect view of St Basil's which magically appears in the window. Also, how the heck am I supposed to take Eyepatch Ivanovich here seriously when he's wearing little red booty shorts?! Anyway, this certainly was an issue of X-men. It started off really fun, then it got kind of generic. Certainly not the worst or most infuriating by any means. Looking forward to next issue!

Edit: I took the comic at face value and wrote that Mount Kilimanjaro was in Kenya. Mount Kilimanjaro is actually in Tanzania, near the Kenyan border, so unless the borders have shifted since 1985, Claremont is an idiot and so am I.

[msmargaretmurry]

music anon here!! hi!! how’s it going? heard you were kinda stressed so!! hope everything’s better!!

idk why but i’ve been on a weird mcstrome mood this past few days, and so i had to make a mcstrome blues playlist, because well. they were besties and now they’re not anymore.

i thought i’d share some songs with you as a token of gratefulness for your general existence <3 the vibes are kinda sad tho ngl. it’s a vision of their relationship that is just… bleak. so without further ado, mcstrome blues!

now that we don’t talk by taylor swift. “did you get anxious though?/ on the way home / i guess i’ll never ever know / now that we don’t talk” i’m just. there’s a post floating somewhere on swiftie tumblr along the lines of “this song is for the girlies with a dramatic best friend breakup” and. yeah that’s mcstrome to me

still got it + can’t go back baby (one right after the other) by troye sivan. his new album is full of bops btw but these ones…… man. cant go back baby is actually about being cheated on, so not really applicable here but. the hurt? phew 😮‍💨 (from the same album how to stay with you gives me matthew and leon getting together after matthew fucked off to florida vibes!!! “i feel my mother might like you / just not in the same way i do” that’s tthe tkatchuks baby!!! but i digress.)

ivy by frank ocean. “we had time to kill back then / you ain’t a kid no more / we’ll never be those kids again” hello??? also along these lines. ribs by lorde. a classic of the “i want to go back to the past but it’s impossible and it makes me go insane” vibe

the exit by conan gray. oh my god this one . “you love her / it’s over / you already found someone to miss / while i’m still standing at /the exit / i can’t hate you for getting everything we wanted / i just thought that i’d be part of it” this one is tied to irl stuff which. eh i know. but oh my god…

hope this wasn’t too long and that you enjoy (if you didn’t know these songs before!!) 🤍🤍🤍🤍

hello music anon!! lovely to hear from you as always 💖 i am indeed very stressed right now but it's okay, i will make it through. just one more month of the semester! two more months until my biggest work event of the fiscal year! i have the veterans' day holiday off from work today tho so before i dig into the massive pile of homework and household chores i have been ignoring, i took myself out for coffee to sit at a cafe and catch up on tumblr asks 😂

i have ALSO been in a weird mcstrome mood lately, i think because connor mcdavid is so miserable right now, so thank you for sharing this little playlist, it really hits the mcstrome sadness spot. like even beyond the hrpf of it all, it makes me sad because to me friendship is one of the most important things in the world and it makes me sad thinking about them not being best friends anymore! obviously, drifting apart from your besties when you were a teen is a pretty normal part of life for a lot of people, but i am still sad about it. they were so sweet about each other, and now we don't even know if they actually still talk ever 😭

i knew some of these songs but not all of them! as usual they are all going directly on my playlist for disassociating to on the metro to and from work. i love a pairing or character or story concept playlist so much (if you couldn't tell by how i tend to post playlists with my long fics, haha). thank you for sharing!! 💕

[rickytickychow]

in defense of Unity (my favorite hive mind not the shitty game engine company)

so a lot of people are a little bothered by how pushy Unity was, and that's absolutely valid. However I saw it a bit differently. I think it takes a LOT for someone to be concerned for Rick's very life, given that he is in the business of putting it in danger regularly.

Unity knows Rick. Like *knows* knows him. Thus, she knows he "almost dies" as a hobby. So what's different about him going after Prime Rick? Why was it so urgent?

Now this is pure speculation on my part, but I'm guessing that Prime didn't almost kill him. Given how badly broken up he was over the mere breakup with Unity itself, I can imagine the quest to find Prime drove him mad enough to do some crazy shit; be it by hopelessness or recklessness. In any case, Unity knows that since he isn't picking up, this guy it has a lot of history with may very well be dead. What better way to get a response than create a situation where he's guaranteed to show up? Especially considering he "almost died" right after their previous meeting and all Unity seems to have heard since is hearsay, it kinda has reason to be afraid. It likely went months without news (or however long in spacetime they waited).

If Unity, the flame of a man whose whole schtick is cheating death, is concerned that he might be dead, it's real concern. I don't judge any other interpretation but personally I can forgive Unity for this one. If a close friend of mine was like "stay TF away from my house" I'd also respect that until he was rumoured to be doing historically self-destructive shit.

Yes Unity broke a boundary, but the episode showed us that that Rick was learning to enforce those in a healthy way. It's a realistic plot point for them; people break boundaries a lot in real life sadly and it's important that mending them is shown even if there's not complete forgiveness on either side right away. Rick is right when he says "I NEED BOUNDARIES," but screaming at his granddaughter and stonewalling someone with genuine intentions aren't gonna help him feel confident those.

Wong shouldn't have been invalidating about it but her assertiveness is the way she gets to Rick; it's comedic even though obviously IRL therapists who play devil's advocate are the actual devil. Rick is, with all my love and care and respect to the blorbo, Actually the Devil as well, so Strip Mall Therapist clicks. Wong seems to understand Rick.

Rick had his reasons but still, a singular response and Unity would not have gone to Virginia at all. Unity's action was not justified yeah but it was proportional to the situation from its pov. Rick is reckless, he doesn't give a *fuck*, or so he'd have everyone believe. Wong is poignant enough to make him see that the act isn't worth it, and in turn helps Rick reconsider his avoidant behavior.

The "huge problem" was less Rick's ghosting (spite is not healthy in large amounts but like I Get It) and more the president's fault imo but Rick maybe should have let Unity know he wasn't dead. Had he calmed down and talked it out immediately when he got to Virginia it would have been a much easier release for them both, which is what I think Wong meant.

I am really happy with the last couple episodes tbh they've brought a lotta levity to the show while keeping the dark undertones and setting up themes for the rest of the season. So glad to have Unity back in the show, their relationship with C-137 is so interesting to me.

[danpuff-ao3]

Flaws in Fiction: ⚡️Relationship Edition⚡️

People all on their own are complicated. What happens when you throw two complicated beings together??? COMPLICATIONS.

A lot of this can relate back to the Character Edition, but it's important to also note that human interactions can be just as flawed as the individuals involved.

[ABSOLUTELY AMAZING Danni Thoughts below the cut]

Let's get this out of the way early: my acceptance that real people mess up sometimes does not mean being in support of abusive or manipulative behavior. Reading and writing it in fiction? Sure! Excusing it IRL? Absolutely not.

Now, onto the nonsense amazingness.

It is important to remember that: not every situation has a villain and a victim. People who screw up are not bad people. People who occasionally clash, or bicker, do not necessarily have "toxic" relationship. We all get annoyed with the people we love. We all annoy the people we love. That's okay!

Listen: I love a toxic relationship. In fiction, that is. But I don't want my options limited to the "right" way or the "wrong" way.

There are many stories out there where Ron and Hermione are Ultra Supportive of everything Harry does. And if they don't, they're terrible friends. I don't see near enough of them squabbling! (Not that it doesn't exist; more I've seen an excess of "perfect friends" or "character bashing.")

The people we love are going to screw up. They're going to hurt our feelings. They're not going to agree with everything we say and do. That is the consequence of being different people!

Let's say Gabrielle borrows/steals Fleur's favorite dress. Not good. Should definitely ask before using people's belongings. But do we write Gabrielle off? Is she a bad person and bad sister for one infraction? No! Family relationships are rough and weird.

Molly nags and pries. She does it with love, but she should probably lay off. Molly is not a saint, but "not a saint" doesn't equate to "demon woman."

Ron and Hermione breakup. It doesn't have to be because of cheating or abuse. Maybe they love each other, but their goals don't align. Ron is family-oriented and Hermione is career-focused. Maybe it just doesn't work. Neither of them needs to be at fault for it. Or maybe they stay together when they shouldn't. Which leads to fights that break them up, or worse...they stay together however sour the relationship turns. Because of love and stubbornness. Or expectation. How does being war heroes and public figures impact their relationship?

Or, perhaps, Harry takes up with an unlikely suitor. (If you know me, you know who I mean!) Those closest to him don't understand, let alone approve. They worry. And they have their own issues with his partner. They aren't bad people or bad friends for not jumping on the "everything Harry does and wants is right and good" bandwagon.

Maybe they disagree. Maybe they argue. Both sides are upset because they don't understand each other. Maybe, in the heat of the moment, someone says something hurtful. It's wrong, of course. But does one bad action make the whole person bad? Make the whole friendship toxic and destined for the dumpster?

Better yet: we can acknowledge the flaws in our loved ones, and still love them. And those flaws can drive us batty without killing our love.

Ron can be careless and tactless. Hermione can be bossy and critical. They know that about each other. They aren't blind to it. Ron might occasionally have hearts in his eyes when Hermione starts fussing. Other times he snaps back. Those little flaws aren't what breaks them. It's the bigger picture.

They try to be friends after, but it's rough going. Even worse when it coincides with Harry's new (scandalous) romance. Ron and Hermione are skeptical of his boyfriend. Harry sets boundaries with them. Everyone gets upset and they take time apart. They go on with life and make new friends. And, eventually, they apologize and move on together. All friends again. The Golden Trio once more.

Tiffs with friends don't signal the end.

People breakup and makeup. They go from friends to lovers to exes to friends. They squabble with their siblings. They gripe about their mothers. They have bad days and are unpleasant to be around.

And much as I love some good angst and drama, as much as I love toxic relationships and all manner of depravity...I want more of that middle ground. More of those everyday issues. Seeing people upset with one another without villainizing each other.

[kiss-my-freckle]

Ok seriously. Elena picking Stefan in 3x22 is absolutely for drama. IRL there is no way she would have done that.

Thoughts.

I often tell fans to notice how episodes are split in half because a lot of them are. In 3x22, it's important to notice Elena's actions and conversations and how they fit according to what she knows at any given time. Like 2x22, "time" is Elena's enemy because "death" made it an enemy.

In that Stelena bedroom scene, Alaric had yet to drive the white oak stake into Klaus. Elena is actually preparing to break up with Stefan. It's written in certain format and furthered by flashback. Like Matt, Elena's breakup with Stefan will come AFTER the drowning.

Matt's impending break up in flashback -

"I just can't bring myself to tell him. At least not tonight."

Stefan's impending break up in current time -

"Stefan. Forget it. Um-we-we can talk later."

In that Stelena bedroom scene, you get Elena talking about her fear of Alaric harming her loved ones. She tells Stefan to make sure Alaric doesn't hurt Jeremy. Stefan is about to leave her bedroom because their conversation about Alaric is done. When she calls his name, she's sparking up a new conversation. Not a conversation about Alaric, otherwise she wouldn't wait until later to have it. She wants to speak to him, but wants to wait until later. "Later" because it's her attempt to break up with him. "That's just in case there is no later" has two meanings. There's no "later" if Alaric kills Stefan. There's also no "later" if Elena chooses Damon. Her reason for waiting until later to have this conversation with Stefan was already mentioned in their conversation about Alaric. Stefan is about to leave her house, and every time someone leaves her house, there's a chance they won't make it back home. Because Alaric is now a vampire hunter like Mikael, Stefan may not make it back home. Truly caring about someone is caring for their well-being. Elena would wait until later to break up with Stefan because she doesn't want that on his mind while he has to face Alaric. Emotionally unstable people take risks that could result in death. Equally, she wouldn't want to break up with Stefan only to have him die with it. So even though Elena wants to break up with him in her bedroom, she's basically giving him the respect of a deathbed kiss. A deathbed kiss which they foreshadowed in 3x2 when Stefan got bit on the Smoky Mountains. Cure came before the deathbed kiss. but that's how they chose to write it. She won't break up with Stefan until later.

"Our life is one, big, proverbial coin toss."

"Later" in the episode lol... Like I said, they cut episodes in half. It's all about what Elena knows at any given time. She expected the entire group to go after Alaric and disarm him. She didn't expect Alaric to make his way to Damon and Klaus. It's because Alaric staked Klaus that Elena believes they're all going to die. Time is now an enemy. I'm saying that 3x22 is cut in half because a coin has two sides. In her bedroom, she was choosing Damon as she planned to break up with Stefan. Consider Damon "heads" in her choice. Because Alaric got staked and Stefan is the one at home with her childhood friends, she has to change her mind and choose "tails" when she really doesn't want to. That's why she's crying on the phone with Damon. The conversation she meant to have with Stefan... she's forced to have with Damon. He was her true choice.

Human or vampire, it's always gonna be Damon. She either kept driving to him and he have a human girlfriend, or she died and he have a vampire girlfriend. Matt is the only one who knows the truth. Damon was her first choice, Stefan was her second. The brothers chose for her when they chose who would stay with Klaus' body.

[kkoongiee]

txt scenarios — you write a breakup song ‹𝟹

prompt — time has passed since your breakup, some wounds just never heal and now you’re just throwing more salt in theirs.

notes, more angst because i loveee you 🙌🏽😋 this is inspired off madison beer’s life support & reckless, OBVIOUSLY txt is not like this irl but ughhh life support is too good and i felt inspired so here it is!! if anyone wants to check out the songs i left the title each members is based off of, hope u like & check out my other works!! requests r open! 🤗

## angst % idol!gn!reader % wc: 917 [ heartbreak, breakups, alcohol, depression ]

★☆ ៸៸ stay numb and carry on

yeonjun was never going to get over you, he officially understood that now. all he felt like doing was crawling into bed, you had both broken up mutually but it didn’t mean he was any less sad. so now that your company had announced a comeback, posters and billboards everywhere of you to promote you, he hated it. he was so bitter about it. why were you okay and he wasn’t? why were you able to get by in the day and he couldn’t? so when he heard the lyrics to your single, diminishing your relationship to nothing and singing how you had carried on day by day by coming numb.. it made sense. you were hurting just as bad as him, yeonjun didn’t feel as bad. maybe yeonjun would be able to put this past him, he should try to do the same as you no matter how much he didn’t want to.

★☆ ៸៸ good in goodbye

soobin had heard all about your new song, it was impossible not to. after all, you both worked at the same company and his members talked about your song as-well. he wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear the teaser, nor was he thrilled to hear the song was about him. standing next to you as he was an mc, he congratulated you on your song and you managed to talk to him just like the script said. he got the first listen of lyrics as you demonstrated choreography and sang, the lyrics leaving a bitter taste in his mouth as he repeated after you. standing to the side of the stage, he watched you and actually listened. soobin couldn’t stand to hear you say he didn’t love you, he did. he still did, you just didn’t need to know that. if that was your goodbye to him, then he’d take it.

★☆ ៸៸ emotional bruises

beomgyu and you had always been on and off, you were very sweet but it always was a surprise you two were arguing. it was a constant thing, you two breaking up and getting back together. especially because your image was rather lovely and you were such a sweetheart, but god the members of his group and your group were so fed up with the arguments and the times you made up. maybe they were slightly happy when you both announced that you were done. beomgyu had heard the song while he was scrolling through a playlist. he turned it on and instantly fell in love with your voice again, he missed you. his stomach quickly turned queasy as he listened to the lyrics, he knows now that that was the last time. maybe it was the alcohol he drank that night or maybe it was the guilt that made him feel ill. he took his chance and blew it, you will never be his again.

★☆ ៸៸ reckless

it had been around half a year since you two had broken up, you had major trust issues which ultimately lead you two to breaking up. taehyun didn’t mind it at first, he has friends who were females and didn’t think you should have a problem. you were a pretty big deal in the music industry, so it wasn’t a surprise that he heard about you all the time. neither of you ever went public about your relationship, so nobody knew a thing about it. taehyun moved on, he did rather quickly mostly because he didn’t want to stay stuck on this relationship. so when your new single came out, he couldn’t even breathe without hearing that song. seriously, it played everywhere. on the radio, outside on digital billboards, posters of the cover, on the television, and even his members listened to that song. he decided he wanted to watch the music video and have a full listen, instantly regretting his decision as it finished. his heart sank into his stomach, taehyun realised what you had been talking about the whole time. it didn’t help that you looked innocent and heartbroken in the video, for the first time, he had listened to you. it was too late.

★☆ ៸៸ everything happens for a reason

huening kai and you had broken up months ago, he knew you had struggled with accepting it. he was still a big fan of you and supported you, you two just couldn’t date anymore. it wouldn’t have worked out. you were younger than him by a few months, plus you were just the cutest thing anyone had ever laid eyes on. he felt bad when he broke up with you, but it had to be done. he felt even worse when you went on a hiatus, but regardless he checked up on you and felt that was enough. now that you were having a comeback at the same time as txt’s, huening kai in the same room as you for an interview. you introduced your song, the atmosphere a bit awkward after talking about it. not many idols discussed relationships, but here you were describing your own. your makeup included fake tears and streaked makeup, the outfit you were in made you look so small and everything about the performance matched. he heard the words i still love you, making his blood run cold. huening kai still loved you too, but for your sake, it had to be this way. he locked eyes with you after your performance, your back turning to him after.

[generallybarzy]

i loved you first.

an: I wrote this mostly a couple nights ago when I was listening to my "ouch" playlist and sobbing so hard I got a 48-hour migraine over the fact that I'll never see my crush again and I can't do anything about it because a) I'm moving in less than a month and leaving everything I know behind and b) he has a girlfriend. But that emotion eventually evolved into "i'm never gonna see some of my best friends again after we move away from each other next month" and that just turned me into this big pit of anxiety where I felt like time was just moving too fast but not at all and I'll miss everything if I don't go do something. So. I was fucking sad and this was the result. completely unedited angst. probably sucks ass, but that's how I'm feeling right now. Anyway, I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't really been around for a few days. I deleted all my asks so if you had something sent, its gone, and i'm just popping in to post this. idk when I'll be back this time, but i'm trying to take care of my irl relationships and moving and college and all that and it hurts a lot more than i can explain and everythings putting my anxiety through the roof lately. anyway........

song inspo: i loved you first- joan

word count: 2.3k

"You keep running away when I need you most

Running away when I get too close

My heart is full but yours is running out

I think I'm afraid of what comes next

Yeah, I'm afraid you've lost your head

Baby, you know that I loved you first

But now, you're in love with somebody else."

Mat was losing you.

You were his best friend. You'd grown together, laughed together, made stupid decisions together in the wake of your last breakup, he always came to to with his troubles, and, as much as he hated hearing the way your ex treated you, he kept his mouth shut and kept being the shoulder you needed to cry on again and again.

And Mat had been in love with you for as long as he could remember.

Ever since the night of your breakup, he'd been waiting for the right moment to tell you how he felt. You were fresh out of a breakup, and he knew that was the worst time to say anything, so he kept quiet. He helped you get yourself out there and smile once again. He brought that beautiful, gleaming smile back to your face. And it warmed his heart to know he had helped bring some of the sunshine back to your life. He waited and waited, comforting you after all your bad first dates and keeping his cool when you came over for movie night. He tried to ignore the way his heart pounded when you circled your arms around his waist and mumbled "At least I'll always have you, Maty." He tried his hardest to calm his heart and keep his eyes on the movie while you cuddled up with him, wearing his clothes, but the light of his TV betrayed him and lit up the way you were smiling against his chest, deep in sleep, safe and comfortable in his hoodie. He didn't tell you how he felt, all those years. He couldn't lose what he had of you in trying to get more. He would be happy with just this for now.

You rested against his chest, unaware of the way Mat was staring at you as if you'd put the stars in the sky all for him. He was so ready to give you his all, to tell you everything he wanted to say, to finally get to call you his, and hear you call him yours. He leaned down to ghost his lips across your cheek, letting the words fall before he even realized his mouth was moving.

"I love you so much, more than you'll ever know."

Maybe he said the words then because he knew you wouldn't hear, maybe he was afraid of actually telling you, afraid of the chance that he would scare you away with how full his heart was. But he didn't mind. He said it, and as long as he knew he loved you, he'd be content with staying like this for a while while you picked yourself back up and regained your confidence. Once you weren't still reeling from your breakup, he'd let it out. He'd tell you for real.

But then, one of your first dates went well.

He'd gotten his usual post-date text from you, the one he always made you promise to send just so he knew you were safe. He expected another letdown, a list of all the things wrong with your date, or ways they were just like your ex. Instead, you were gushing. Mat couldn't stand the hope in your messages, the way you were so excited, rambling on and on about this guy. He wanted to be happy for you, he wanted to be glad you were finding someone you liked, but he couldn't help feeling the pain from the sting that someone was actually taking you away from him again.

Soon, your movie nights together as friends were overtaken by date nights, and Mat was left alone in his apartment, sitting on the couch you used to cuddle him on, wearing the hoodie you loved to steal, and watching the TV show you introduced him to, half heartedly checking your snap story to see you in the middle of a date with him. He tried to hide his jealousy whenever you spoke of your boyfriend, he tried to appear proud and excited for you, but the hard truth he didn't want to face was that he was losing you. He was losing his best friend, the person he loved the most.

He didn't know when this started. He didn't know how to stop it, but you were pulling away from him. And that scared him. Mat couldn’t stand watching you fall more and more in love with this guy, not when he was right there, willing to give you all the love he had in his heart.

You were the one Mat went to on his worst days. The days when he felt like a waste of space, like he'd never amount to anything more than he was. The days it seemed like the weight of everyone's expectations was about to make him crumble to his knees. The days he needed you most. It only took a quick 'you free tonight? I need you.' text, and you knew exactly the state he was in. 'Of course Mat, I'm always free for you.' But ever since you started dating this guy, his texts went unanswered, unseen, and he was left alone on his hardest nights, with harsh reminders that the girl he loved was falling in love with somebody else right in front of his eyes, while he could do nothing but watch.

This guy had no right to come between you two. After all, Mat had loved you first.

He had comforted you for years over your shitty boyfriends, and this newest guy was no exception. Mat would still find himself, on rare nights, holding you in his arms while you sobbed about how your boyfriend made you cry again, whispering to Mat that 'at least I know you would never do this to me'. But the next day you were gone, running away from him as if you'd never snuggled up in his arms for comfort, as if the late-night conversations meant nothing to you.

'You're right, I would never do this to you." He thought to himself, watching you toy with the sleeve of his sweater and snuggle into his chest to dry your eyes with your best friend's warmth. "So why do you keep going back to the man who hurt you, when I'm right here?'

Mat had so much he wanted to say, and though he didn't want you to run away again, he could only hold his tongue for so long.

"I'm so glad you invited me out for lunch, Mat. He's been such an ass lately, so I'm glad to get away. It's been a while since we talked, yeah?"

Mat couldn't bring himself to answer. God, his heart was throbbing in his chest. He loved you so much, but you were falling in love with an asshole who didn't treat you right. You looked so beautiful sitting across the table from him. The sun was gleaming off your hair, but the beauty was made sour by the necklace that sat around your neck, the necklace your boyfriend had given you on your 3 month anniversary. Mat swallowed back his nerves. "(Y/N), I need to be honest with you."

Any trace of happiness on your face was gone, replaced with dread. Part of Mat felt like shit for making you feel like that, but another, more sinister part, felt a little glimmer of revenge. You'd been running away from him for months, abandoning your best friend for some shitty boyfriend who you still cried over to him, and maybe now you were feeling a slimmer of what dread he had felt when he thought of your crumbling friendship, and the love he had for you that he couldn't do anything with. "What's wrong, Mat? It seems really serious."

"It is." Mat took a deep breath. He couldn't meet your eyes. He didn't know when he started to feel uncomfortable around you. You had always been the person he could admit anything to. Now, you were pulling away from him. "We've been friends for so long, but recently, I feel like I'm… losing you."

"Mat, you're not losing me."

"Yeah, I am. I'm losing you to your new boyfriend.”

Finally, Mat met your eyes, and was astonished by the fear there. How could you spend the last few months drawing further and further away, and then be shocked when he confronted you? Hadn't you realized how little time you spent together? Hadn't you noticed how the only time you spent with him was when he was comforting you from something your boyfriend did to upset you? Hadn't your words- 'at least I know you'd never do this to me'- meant nothing?

"Look, I know you're happy with him, and I'm happy for you… no matter how much you complain about how he's an ass... but… we- you don't come over anymore.”

“I’m- I’m sorry, Mat, I’m more busy than I was when I was single-”

“No, it's not just that. You stopped answering my texts. You know… the ones… when I'm vulnerable. When I need you. I get that you’re gonna be busy, but I opened up to you about shit I would never tell to another person, and I can’t even get a response. You're running away when I need you most…"

He let the silence fall between you again. After a few moments, you spoke up, "Mat…" but your voice fell flat when you couldn't think of the right words to fill the air.

"You still come over, but only when you need someone to dry your tears when your boyfriend did something stupid. You come to me. You only come to me when you need my comfort, but you can’t give me the comfort when I need it, and I’m fucking tired of it.” His words weren’t bitter towards you at all. That’s not what he felt. He wasn’t angry at you, he was angry that either of you had let your boyfriend come between you, he was angry at himself for letting you go, for being too fucking insecure to tell you anything. “You- you keep telling me you wish you could find someone like me. But can't you tell how perfect I am for you?"

"Mat, stop." You were picking with your fingers, a habit he knew all too well.

“I know you remember that night.”

“Mat…”

“It was when you were still trying to date, and always came over after your bad first dates. We cuddled, we…. We got way closer than friends should. I thought- I guess I just thought there was something there. I thought we’d end up as more…”

“I-” Your throat was tight. You hadn’t even realized how much Mat’s words were affecting you. “You can't just… drop all this on me right now, it's not fair."

"What do you really see in him?"

"What?"

"What do you see in him? Does he really love you like you know I do?" You sat quietly, your mouth agape, eyes dropping to the table. Mat’s voice dropped quieter. “You know I love you. I know you know. Friends don’t just cuddle and… and fucking open up about every single little insecurity and promise each other they’ll never leave, and say ‘at least I know you’d never do this to me. I loved you. So fucking much. And it’s so hard to watch you fall in love with someone else, when my heart is so fucking full of love for you.” Mat scoffed in spite of himself. He knew he was fucking it all up, your friendship, any chance of a relationship with you, and it was making his words taste even more bitter. "You know what's not fair? How I have to sit here, watching you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you nearly as much as I do."

“Please stop, Mat.” You quieted him, your hands shaking, in fear of what would come of your surely-shattered friendship. “I- I didn’t know. I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Bullshit.” Mat was well aware of the tears beading in his eyes, but he tried his hardest to ignore the burn of them rolling thickly down his cheeks. “I- I was always there to hold you… to comfort you when your dates didn’t go well or when your boyfriend fucked up. Can’t you see?”

The silence that fell between the two of you was deafening. Neither of you could make eye contact, and instead focused on staring at the table, not caring about the people inevitably walking around you and wondering what was happening.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Mat.”

“Yeah.”

“I didn't… I’m with my boyfriend. I can’t just…” You shook your head. “I don’t know what you want me to do.”

“Nothing.” Mat sat back in his chair. He’d said what he invited you here to say, and that was all he had planned. He didn’t think of anything else past this point. “I just… I had to tell you. I’m not gonna tell you what to do, I’m not gonna say you have to choose me or him, and I’m sure this fucked up our friendship like crazy. I just- I can’t keep watching this, okay? That’s all I had to say. I know you love him, and I… fuck, I still love you. I just hope you don’t forget about me, alright?”

“Mat, you’re my best friend.”

Mat stood up, sliding down some money for the drink he had bought earlier. God, he felt like shit, watching the girl he loved move on, knowing there was no way they could keep going on like this, no way she would want to keep seeing him knowing how he felt. But he couldn’t hide it any longer, and now, it was ruined.

“I gotta go.”

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

okay so i’ve been going crazy these past few days. all about cockles/jensmish and obsessively watching their panels or reading the transcripts BECAUSE. THEY ARE LOUD. LIKE. i saw some fancams on twt and i thought people were just exaggerating but noooooooooo!!!???? so, getting to the point. you said that how do we know that jensen is performing masculinity? because jared isn’t and THAT IS A BIG BRAIN MOMENT. ON POINT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. a particular moment from gag reel that jumps out (which you’ve talked about) when jensen goes ‘cas, you are my baby daddy’ and misha goes, ‘i know i love you too’ and jensen goes, ‘i didn’t say i love you’ and misha goes, ‘i know you wanted to’ and jensen says, ‘i love you’ WHAT THE FUCK! that was NOT a joke. yes, people took it as a joke and had a good laugh BUT I HAVE WATCHED IT TOO MANY TIMES AND IT LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A PERFORMANCE. THAT WAS JENSEN. THAT WAS MISHA. jensen has a had trouble with the pda and being all touch feely (the breakup theory) and he gradually grew into it, accepted it and misha was right there all along, never pushed it. it was like a deancas au but tbh, 99% of destiel is because of cockles and we all know it. i just. jensen has latched onto dean as an emotional support because he tunes with it. understands it. projects on to it. yeah, i just had to say it and get it off my chest. (and what about those poetry pages on instagram? alma? what is your opinion?) btw, you have a lovely blog and your analysis are right on target.

so there is a LOT i’m going to address here(how dare you bring up [gunshot] i HAVE to talk about it now) so again!!!! under a cut it goes but i hope you appreciate my rambles anon it seems like you do :,)

1. jared vs. jensen and performing masculinity. hell yeah man. jared and jensen are both just ‘guys from texas’ but they are still so vastly different. today i actually had a revelation that i’m pretty sure has to do with me being bi. and it’s that i have a group of straight friends(that i love dearly but they care too much about hockey and pitbull imo could not be me) and i have a group of queer friends(who are also batshit[affectionate]). and it’s like whichever group i hang out with a different side of me emerges? they’re both me, it’s just that certain aspects of who i am as a person only surface depending on who i am around. however, i will say i feel like i watch what i say around my straight friends more. i see that very clearly in jensen as well. around jared during panels and on set, he’s definitely putting on an air of machismo and engages in typical guy talk. i do think an element of it is performative, because he wants validation from jared that they’re still just two dudes from texas taking on the world together despite his sexual identity. does that make any sense??? i hope so. but when he’s with misha he is an entirely different person and his sense of humour becomes wildly different. the machismo fades away, he’s way less caught up in what people think about him, lets his guard down, etc. to go back to my original point which is how j2 are different in that regard....jared does not do this. he is a constant. he does not flip a switch between ‘performing masculinity’ and ‘not’ because he isn’t performing any part of who he is. he just IS. so yeah these two are similar in many regards but there’s somewhat of a dissonance between them when it comes to how they perform masculinity because one of them is putting on a show and the other is merely being.

2. that crypt scene blooper(here just in case you need to see it again. do it. as a treat.) when i tell you i have easily seen this over thirty times??? since it first came out??? i mean it. it is such an overlooked(r*mantic) moment and it means so much more than people think it does. i’ve talked about the context behind it, and i think that’s why this blooper was so meaningful, so i’ll mention it again. jensen and misha had a LOT of trouble with this scene. the reason is that jensen couldn’t wrap his head around why dean would be saying these things, if i remember correctly, and both of them sat down and scoured over how they should play it for a while before filming(teamwork ;) teammates *ahem*). [to be honest we all know why jensen had a hard time with that scene and it is because it is blatantly romantic. rip to him but i would simply give in to it at that point but oh well] so anyway, their heads were scattered going into shooting, which is NEVER a good headspace to be in for a scene, ESPECIALLY not a pivotal one. but they had each other to help them through said weird energy on set that couldn’t possibly have invoked the best feelings, especially considering jensen STILL doesn’t think he played that correctly(but he praised misha on his performance :,) ). and with that context every single part of that video hits haRD 

-’stop pulling my face towards your crotch’ i think this is objectively hilarious because it really really looks like jensen is pulling HIMSELF towards misha’s crotch. again, you’re fooling no one, jensen. misha’s wheezing laugh and the way he wraps himself around jensen is also,,,sweet??? like i don’t know how else to describe how i see it but this moment really reads as jensen, in his weird ‘constructing elaborate rituals’ way is asking for security through a physical touch from misha and he happily obliges and gives jensen what he needs. because i mean...watch it again. jensen ‘fights back’, but not really at all, actually. pretty wimpy counterattack. he literally lets himself be smothered by misha, and i would literally describe what they end up doing as cuddling. 

-’i need you, cas. you’re my baby daddy’ i love having an actor’s perspective on things bc i think i can explain what’s going on here. jensen just delivered what was(in his own mind) a rotten take of the lines he’s most scared of delivering. so the scene was already messed up. therefore; ensuing fuckery is warranted to help him feel better. but there’s also for sure more than meets the eye for what he says here because of misha’s reaction after??? like he seemed genuinely touched. first of all, he’s saying ‘you’re my baby daddy’ as half-jensen, but not necessarily dean either(because he didn’t say the previous lines as true to his character...you get it), to misha, not cas. i think i’ve made this point before, but every single innuendo in the gag reels is to misha specifically, never once cas. therefore; logical conclusion: ‘you’re my baby daddy’ was for misha and it meant something deeper than we think because of what follows it

-this part. jensen’s giddy ass smile after he sees misha crack and then misha says ‘yeah, i know’ (can i just say his voice when he says this is so intimate???? like am i intruding guys??? sorry i’ll let myself out) also he is smiling SO BIG

- ‘i know’ ‘why are you laughing?’ ‘no i know i love you too’ this analysis is already so long but i still want to get into what THAT whole exchange means. ‘why are you laughing?’ to me sounds like jensen’s pretending to be affronted by misha laughing at something that is serious. and it’s serious because he quite literally meant ‘i love you’. he did. misha knows it. misha’s really REALLY good at cutting the bs and just getting to what people are actually trying to say. he has an innate sharpness to his sense of humour. so yes, misha is being 100% accurate when he says ‘i know, but you wanted to say it.’ misha isn’t lying here. jensen did want and mean to say ‘i love you’. and then he actually does say it(in a jokey way but not really). 

- so yeah. it is actually so romantic??? like in a weird way jensen was professing his love for misha here?????? and that’s why this clip will NEVER. ever. get old. 

3. jensen having trouble with pda and projecting onto dean: we can all call ourselves dean coded cas girls but NO one deserves that title more than jensen ackles himself. he is dean winchester but marginally less repressed because he actually did admit he was in love with his best friend and let himself be happy, and pretty early on too. one year and two months as opposed to twelve years. so. happy deancas au is correct. and yes about the pda thing: one day i want to write my own post about both of their body language when it comes to each other, but all i can tell is jensen, even in the early days, couldn’t help himself from flirting with misha, but if misha ever crossed a line, jensen would not be happy. clearly he’s come around, however. what i find sweet is that misha always follows jensen’s lead when it comes to how much affection they’re allowed to show each other onstage. it touches my soul

4. destiel is cockles fault. yeah. and the thing is everyone knows it, too. even non-cockles shippers will explain early destiel as entirely dependant on jensen and misha’s wild chemistry. and that chemistry is easily explained by the fact that misha and jensen are literally just wildly horny bisexuals who were crazily attracted to one another and were falling in love on screen before our very eyes. and when you have THAT insider info(which sounds cray doesn’t it!!!! the destiel actors are in love irl??? huh???) everything really does click into place. why destiel got SO popular when the show and actors never ever intended for it to happen.(i know some people think misha was playing cas as gay the whole time for shits and giggles, and i won’t deny that[especially considering he found out early on that destiel was why he was staying on the show], but i don’t think he really wanted it to amount to anything, nor did he care??? i mean he has the real thing with jensen, for one, so their characters aren’t really as important. for two, he loves joking about destiel because it’s a cultural phenomenon and it’s fascinating, and i’m sure he did ship it because he’s unhinged, but i don’t think it was vastly important to him either way.) destiel got popular because everyone was and is unintentionally reading into the real deal. i could pull up countless gifs that people have used as destiel proof that is actually just jensen and misha being messy. mainly jensen. if i’m being honest.  the symbiotic relationship between destiel and cockles is why i’ve stayed onboard the destielcule and shellerscape for three solid months now; because it is utterly fascinating to witness and kind of super beautiful, too. 

5. alma(and others). so. i do NOT want to really REALLY get into this in its entirety here and now so i will just give you my opinion on if i think alma is misha or not. also; i don’t want to mention the other poetry accounts here bc i feel like that’s a bigger breach in privacy, but a lot of people do know about alma now. way too many, actually. this is why we can’t have nice things. anyway-to answer your question-there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that yes, misha is running that alma poetry account. i am 100% certain. some people think it’s actually three people and they’re all connected to misha in some way but that is so needlessly complicated. as it goes in psychology; the easiest explanation is probably the right one. it’s just one person running that account, and it is misha collins. i don’t know why it’s so hard to believe KNOWN POET misha collins(who is known to spend most of his free time writing poetry anyway) would have created a secret poetry account to write about his intense secret relationship under an alias and also get legitimate feedback since no one used to know it was him. oh and the handwriting is identical??? you are blind if you do not see that i am sorry. and a million other things prove it’s misha too but yeah all you need to know is yes. it’s him. it would take a literal livestream from a random woman on that account to convince me otherwise. and honestly not even that because a random woman could technically still log in if misha asked her too. so. it would take a hell of a lot to convince me otherwise, clearly. that said DO NOTTTTTTTTTTTT GO ONTO THAT ACCOUNT WITH A SUPERNATURAL RELATED USERNAME AND COMMENT THINGS THAT ARE COCKLES RELATED. ARE YOU BRAIN DEAD WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT’S OKAY. sorry i got heated but god please just don’t be dumb so many people have already gone way too far 

6. thank you for your lovely compliment on my analyses!!! i love doing them but i don’t know if people actually like reading them so i really appreciate it

[soultronica]

So i wrote a ficlet about my kidlaw-got-married-and-divorced-young AU. As said in the notes i do like to headcanon that they get back together in this verse, but much much later, when they’re well in their forties. Partly because i love getting back together stories, partly because i like the idea of amicable divorce to the point that you can stay in each other’s orbit for that long, partly because I like the idea of growing into each other’s perfect person after some time, as the result of a life lived. 

Anyway no way i could condense /that/ into a ficlet so here are headcanons about 45yo!kidlaw (getting back together after having been very briefly married in their twenties)

> 45yo!kid is a leather dad but tbf he’s always dressed that way

> 45yo!law is also a leather dad but he aged into it and refuses to admit he might’ve been influenced by kid’s style

> kid’s the type of guy who’d normally have a beard, unfortunately he still can’t grow one

> neither has ever had difficulty getting laid but law was considered the hot one when they were younger whereas kid is particularly popular now, especially with younger gays 

> law knows this and is very petty about it

> (kid once dated guy who was like, 26yo, for a couple months and law still talks about that time he was “dating jailbait”. also he sarcastically calls kid “daddy” when he’s being a bitch)

> in general, kid has the ability to stay on good terms with the majority of his exes unless it’s a rly bad breakup (perks of burning through your feelings fast)

> he even has an ex-step kid who still has his phone number and to whom he sends happy bday texts and the like, nothing weird

> law on the other hand is full no-contact with all his exes, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but he still feels envious of kid for having that ability?

> either way they’re both each other’s The Ex. the whole combination of being each other’s first serious relationship / their only marriage / still seeing each other regularly because of their friends. they just kinda see each other as occupying that important niche in their lives

> this said they’re not close friends? they manage to get back to liking each other quickly enough (see ficlet), and stay friends after that, and they see each other like once a month at functions, but they never do stuff just the two of them

> kid is pretty tight with baby tho (law’s sister, in every modern au she’s law’s sister ok) because idk the weapons/machinery stuff they have in common idk how that works out practically irl. they repair motorbikes or something

> and of course luffy and the strawhats kind of glue everyone together into a big chaotic family

> and also i lied about them never doing anything just the two of them because they’ve fucked again a few times. like not a lot, but. fucking your ex is a thing and when you’re both available and wound up at the same party, why not

> and i guess that’s kind of how the reconnecting starts?

> like at first it’s definitely sex-with-the-ex sex, like it happens once every 5 years and it’s nice but at the end it’s “yeah thank god we’re not together anymore, a couple hours with this guy is definitely my limit”

> once they hit 40 tho, they kinda reach a new phase where they like-like each other. like they genuinely start enjoying each other’s company again to the point of wanting to seek it out apart from other people

> it’s kinda hard to articulate why now and not then tbh like obviously the first time they married each other too early before they could be sure they liked each other enough to sustain long term. but they were in love and surrounded by friends and they felt like they’d found their family-for-life and making such an obviously dumb choice felt kinda radical to both of them? and then they started annoying each other 75% of the time way too early ofc. but when they’re older they’re also more settled, more chill, with similar interests, and a lowkey whatever attitude on life on both sides that finally makes them fit together without the friction

> (stuff they now have in common includes both being in the local concert scene, yknow the gigs where the crowd is 80% dads, also now that they both have kids in their circles they find they're both pretty uncle-y. and also kid reads now lol)

> anyway when they reach a point where they’ve seen each other for the third time that week and spent the entire night talking, and two of those times was initiated by them without the excuse of going home together after a thing they were both at, they go yknow what let’s give it a go because now they’re not idiots anymore 

> only killer knows for the first couple months. baby would’ve been told if she could be trusted lol

> they’re not exclusive. they weren’t the first time and it didn’t work for them (when they reached the point where they saw other people more than each other bc they didn’t enjoy each other’s company that much anymore after the nnth fight was when it was p clear divorce was on the table) but this time it works as intended. also they find out they like swinging

> they don’t move in with each other either. spend a lot of time at each other’s places but they can afford + like having their own

> after a year or so of low intensity dating and being happy with it they start showing up at functions together

> everyone’s like you know what? this is a good development i dig it. kind of like when they managed to become friends again the first time and everyone was pretty relieved

> both kid and law are happy

> also in love eventually

> presumably 5ever

> they are never EVER ever getting married again

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #389

“i’m well aware i’m a danger to myself  /  are you aware i’m a danger to others?”

How much do you weigh? Yeah, we're starting off on a bad foot. If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Putting Roman's used litter in the trash. Do you think you can love someone without trusting them? Hm... I guess you could love them, but it'd be a complicated situation. What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? If it's purely for sport, from the very bottom of my heart, fuck you. Do you have a fairly fast or slow internet connection? I'd say it's decently fast. Have you ever been someplace tropical? Yeah, Florida. My grandma lived there. Are you sensitive to caffeine? No. It does like... nothing to me. How do you usually get around? My mom's car. Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? No actually, but I know I kinda am. What do you think about Kim Kardashian? I don't have an opinion of her. Can you speak any French? No. Favorite yogurt flavor? The only yogurt I've been liking lately is cookies and cream to add a different texture, because otherwise, I don't like its natural texture very much??? Idk man, my taste buds are wild. How much money do you have in your wallet right now? Just like $5. What bottled water brand do you like? Essentia. Your favorite way to eat chocolate? As chocolate bars, probably. How often do you listen to country music? Like, never. Linkin Park or Avenged Sevenfold? Linkin Park. Last surgery you had? Pilonidal cyst removal. Have you ever played guitar? I briefly took classes for it in high school, yes. Best I got to was playing some of the intro to "Crazy Train." I enjoyed it, but not enough to be consistent and really learn. Is there someone in your life whose career/life choices you find immoral/unethical? Have you ever told that person your views? Do you find it difficult to support them (emotionally or otherwise) because of their choices? I don't think so? What trait do you feel you lack that you wish you possessed? Independence and confidence would be nice... Have you ever considered writing your memoirs? No. Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? God no. I love my online friends. Half of 'em more than "irl" ones. Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? I have to be VERY invested in it to care THAT much. It happened most recently when Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty premiered. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Would you rather have a job for which you had to go in early in the morning or one you had to stay late into the evening at? Early in the morning. I'm in a better mood in the morning. Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? I have a calorie-counting app, as well as one to track my period. Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? My mom's, best friend's, and psychiatrist's. If you could’ve been at any historical event, which would you have liked to witness firsthand? I don't really know. Maybe the very first Pride event? Is there something that you really want to do but are afraid of doing? If so, why are you afraid of doing it? Ride a rollercoaster, for one. I know I never will, though. I'm too afraid of throwing up, but even more realistically, I fear passing out before of the twisting and turning and just standing up makes me very dizzy. My blood pressure is STUPID low. What is something society “expects” you to do that you don’t want to do and/or don’t plan on doing? Have kids. That's a big 'ole fat no from me. Have Jehovah's Witnesses ever come to your door? Twice at least. Are you well-known by people in your area? No. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, thank Christ. It sounds terrifying. What's your favourite type of bird? Barn owls. Melanistic ones, to be exact. Stunning. What tv show(s) have you been watching currently? I'm only keeping up with Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. Have you ever dated a smoker? For less than a day. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes. Have you ever been a member in a band? No. Besides the school band. Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No. Do you have separate emails for personal and business? No. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? Multiple times. Have you ever taken a ride in a convertible? I think once with my brother. Why did you last need to use a band-aid? I'unno. What fruit do you eat most often? Apples. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My ma. Has someone ever tried to start an argument with you over Facebook? What happened? A few times. I don't feel like thinking over this. Have you ever had an unusual type of milk (eg. oat, rice, almond)? I've tried almond milk, and I hated it. If you could experience life as a Disney princess for a week, which princess would you pick and why? uhhhhhh idk When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? I'm essentially always in my room. If you like to sleep in late, have your parents ever told you off for doing so? No. Do you find piercings attractive? Yep. Do you like potato chips? Loooove 'em. What’s the most stalker-like/creepy thing you’ve ever done? If you don’t think you’ve done anything like that, what’s the most stalker-like thing someone’s done to you? Nothing beyond checking Jason's Facebook sometimes after the breakup, I think. Even that though I wouldn't recommend doing. You're just going to get yourself hurt. Stay away from exes' profiles. Do you think it’s a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it’s assault? Yep. I don't give a fuck what's in your pants, you don't hit anybody unless you're fighting to defend yourself. What’s your favorite old Disney movie and favorite new Disney movie? I mean... define "old." I'll go with The Lion King for old, and for new, uh... Finding Dory, probs. Name something “trendy” or popular that you dislike. I don't really know what IS trendy right now... Is Snapchat still "in?" Because I've never gotten that. “Dirty talk” in the bedroom…love it, like it, don’t care, dislike it, or hate it? I think I'm kinda neutral about it? Like I mean it also depends on exactly what is said. I prefer more loving talk, though. What is/are your favorite type(s) of ethnic food, and what’s your favorite food within that type? I'm a basic fatass that likes American cuisine most, aha... Like give me a cheeseburger and I'm happy lmao. How would you describe your relationship with your hair over the years? I love it more now at a short length than I ever did long. When it was long and I was in my deepest depression, I was awful about brushing it. It would get so knotted. Like looking back, it nearly makes me shiver. I HIGHLY recommend cutting your hair for anyone who struggles with selfcare. How do you feel about your SO daily/regularly checking up on a couple of his exes on social media? I'm single, but hypothetically, if you're checking an ex's page nearly every day, I would not be okay with that. I'm totally fine with exes remaining friends and just cordially talking now and again, but that's it. It's a respect thing. Do you prefer your guy to wear cologne or not? I personally like cologne if it's not overwhelming. I really don't care if you wear it or not, though. Ladies, how important is it to you that your SO wears/would wear a wedding ring? This survey is so heteronormative. But anyway, unless there was an issue like it not fitting, I'd want my spouse to wear their ring. What was the turning point that led you to decide for or against having children? There are a lot of reasons I don't want kids. I'm too selfish with my "me" time, I stress out too easily, I don't want to dedicate my life to keeping another person alive and fed and happy, I have bad genes... I could go on and on. I just wouldn't be a good, "present" enough mom. I am much more interested in ensuring *I* am okay. Is having your “dream” wedding really that important to have? Not at all. I mean I want a smooth and memorable wedding, but I'm not obsessed with it being perfect. Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes to a strip club and then doesn’t tell you? That's certainly not cheating, but I wouldn't like it. Being secretive about anything in a relationship is unhealthy, imo. I'd be hurt and also very insecure because I wouldn't feel like "enough." How old is too old for trick-or-treating? Honestly? I don't think you ever are. Like come on, does it REALLY matter? Let people have fun. I don't do it because of societal standards, but I would if I didn't care about being judged. Do you sleep with your arms over or under the covers? It depends on the temperature, but I normally wake up with them under. Do you own any t-shirts of your favorite band? I have an Ozzy one stored somewhere, but it doesn't fit me now. There was another I really liked too, but that one is WAY too small now. Fries or onion rings? Fries. I'm not a fan of onion rings. True/False: you’ve had an odd dream this week. Story of my life. I had one last night where I kept dying in different ways, and I actually felt the pain, like drowning in magma. Do you find tattoo sleeves attractive? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Do you like carving pumpkins? Yeah. What’s an animal you want to have as a pet but can’t? My mom has absolutely forbidden me to get a tarantula (uh, many tarantulas in my case) until I move out, lol. That doesn't stop me from checking Craigslist like every day. ;_; Have your parents ever caught you drinking? "Caught," no. Any time I've drunk, I've had permission or was a legal adult by then. How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? First be humiliated at my appearance and then absolutely pass out lmao. Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? No, thank fuck. The person you have a crush on is drunk and goes to kiss you, you know they don’t realize what they’re doing, but do you kiss anyways? If I know it's something they wouldn't do sober, absolutely not. What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? Any would be lovely, but the poem would appeal most to me because of the amount of thought that goes into poetry. Do you any shirts with any kind of images of food on them? What? I don't think so, no. Which holiday is the most fun to decorate for? Halloween. What was the first website you had an email account on? Yahoo. Have you ever written a fanfic? No. Tattoos or piercings? Both are grand, but tats win. What’s the last gross movie/show/video you saw? I saw this picture of a snake split open that had eaten another snake. Would you rather live in a huuuge house or a little cozy one? Lil cozy one! I don't want more space than is needed for cleaning reasons, as well as price. Do you have a tutor for anything? No. Who’s the best kisser you know? Jason was. Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No. I'd like it to stay that way. (If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you "shortie" instead of girl? Ew, no. Do you have a deep voice? For a woman, yes. Do you play games with boys/girls, like 'hard to get’? Hi, I'm an adult. Is there a Sonic where you live? YES. It's my fave fast-food place. What do you like on your pizza? I have three go-tos depending on my mood: Pepperoni, jalapenos, or meat lovers.

[demivampirew]

Keep Calm and Go to London chapter 41

Previous Chapters in the masterlist

Triggers: talking about sex (no smut); talking about mental health; talking about having kids; crying.

A/N: In this chapter there’s a song that reader writes, that irl is by the band Epica. Is a piano song called Linger (you can listen it here: https://open.spotify.com/track/55iw1UmIw8D7CSMDawdJu7?si=icvNgWwLSb6XgCUVZY2TJQ)

Tag list: @mary-ann84​  @yespolkadotkitty​ @constip8merm8​ @iloveyouyen​  @wondersofdreaming​ @alyxkbrl​ @solariumss​  @sweetybuzz25​ @thethirstyarchive​ @agniavateira​   @honeyloverogers​ @hell1129-blog​   @lunedelorient​​  @michelle-1185​​  @madbaddic7ed​​     @summersong69​​ @kaatelyyynn​​ @henrythickcavill​ @wolvesandhoundshowltogether​ @desperate-and-broken​ @peakygroupie​  @ivvitm1109​  @the-soot-sprite @whyyoudothistomecavill @thevelvetseries​ @thetaoofzoe​

So emotional by Whitney Houston was being played over and over. Stay by Rihanna, All I Need by Within Temptation, It Will Rain by Bruno Mars were some of the other tunes you would constantly listen to. It has been two and a half weeks since Henry and you broke up, although it felt like a century - every day without him felt like an eternity.

Therapy and your closest friends were the reason you found the strength to try to move on. The pain was surreal. You missed him more than what you thought a human could miss another person. You knew that you wouldn't die of a broken heart, but the day did not shine as it used to when you were with him. Sitting by the piano, you started to sing the new song inspired by him.

It feels so warm when you are near You are all I want to feel Tell me now, is this for real? It's hard to breathe

We're all lost and travelled high, cannot find My peace of mind When the sun will rise again, we'll fly away

Take the stairs to the stars Wander long, travel far Someday

A summer breeze makes all of our winters freeze Autumn leaves There's no chance for spring's romance We linger on but leave the past behind us Old lovers live it all anew But chances are so few

Windows open up to life Put your worries all aside Sacred silence closes doors for opened eyes

Take the stairs to the stars Wander long, travel far Someday Always

A summer breeze makes all of our winters freeze Autumn leaves There's no chance for spring's romance We linger on but leave the past behind us Old lovers live it all anew But chances are so few And choices are so true.

Tears rolled down your cheeks landing on the instrument's keys. You stood up and headed to the bathroom to take a shower and go to bed - that was you're routine now: getting up, trying to eat something, play sad love songs, write some of those yourself, take a nap, try to eat, write music, go to bed to listen to music while you cried yourself to sleep. This time you were listening to Need You Now by Lady A -formerly known as Lady Antebellum.

Picture perfect memories Scattered all around the floor Reaching for the phone 'cause, I can't fight it anymore And I wonder if I ever cross your mind For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

(...)

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

In the time since your breakup, you wanted to contact him several times but stop yourself from doing it. The last thing you wanted was for him to see you as the annoying clingy ex. But that night heart defeated reasoning. You opened the Whatsapp chat and sent him the link to the song. Immediately after pressing send, you regretted it but it was too late. Even if you erase the message, he would still get the notification that you send him something. With your hands trembling, you wrote "I'm sorry to bother you, that was no my intention. I just... couldn't help myself. I miss you so much. Don't worry about me, though... I'll be ok." "I understand that we weren't mean to be, you deserve to have the family you've always wanted and you shouldn't give that up for me or wait for God knows how long for me to decide if that was something I could give you. You're amazing and deserve the best. I'll always be there for you if you need me."

You throw the phone into the other side of the bed as if you were afraid he was going to reply something mean. You knew Henry well enough to know that he wouldn't do such a thing, but you kept thinking that sending him a message was a bad idea. After an hour curiosity defeated you and you looked to see if he had seen your text. The double check marks were now blue, which meant that he's read them. There was no reply, though. You cheeked the time he saw them and was fifteen minutes after you sent them. You started to cry.

Approximately an hour later, the doorbell rang. You went to check who it was, but before you reached the door, an excited barking allowed you to know who it was: "Kal!" you exclaimed in your thoughts. As soon as you opened the door, the Akita ran to you and started to jump around, liking your hand and begging you to pet him. You kneeled beside him and hugged him and let him know how much you missed him.

- Kal, go to the living room.- Henry ordered him and the dog obeyed. You stood up and looked him on those baby blues that you missed so much. He was waiting on the other side of the door as if he needed your permission to get in. - I'm so sorry if I bothered you. I swear it wasn't my intention.- you apologized, but before you could say another word, he grabbed your face and kissed you. You put both of your arms around his neck and he slid his hands to your back and hips.

Moments later, he stopped the kissing to close the door and pick you up on his arms, walking up the stairs into your bedroom.

It has been some time since the last time you've been intimate because the need for each other was unmeasurable. The breakup intensified the mutual desire.

You rested your head on his chest and he played with your hair and caressed your shoulder.

- In the ranking of worst decisions I've ever made, breaking up with you has become the undeniable champion.- he said. - I don't think so.- you sighed- You deserve someone that can give you the family you want. - You're the family I want.- he replied firmly. - I didn't end the relationship because of that.- he explained- I didn't want you to suffer because I would be busy and don't have much free time to be with you. I know it caused you a lot of pain that your ex was always busy and didn't have time to be with you and it would have killed me if it was I the one causing you that much pain. - It was different with him. He would purposely make himself busy all the time. Even if he had no work to do, he would find something because for what it seemed, anything was better than spent time with me.- you told him. - Would you forgive this fool and give him another chance with you? Because being without you it's the worst hell I've ever lived in.- he implored. - Are you sure you want me? - you questioned him. - Absolutely!- he exclaimed.

The sweet taste of his lips touching yours was exquisite. Once again in the arms of your lover, you fell asleep with a smile on your face.  

[cosplayinamerica]

AUTHOR INTERVIEW : Ryan La Sala

The best thing about being in Artist Alley is the opportunity to meet people. You are sitting behind a table and basically the entire convention comes by you. Over three days you are chatting, laughing and sharing stories with the community. It was 2019 and I was sharing a table at Anime NYC 2019. It was my first time back to New York in a number of years and this is how I met author Ryan La Sala who just released his first book Reverie at that time. He mentioned he was working on a book related to cosplay. Fast forward to now Jan 2021 and his new book Be Dazzled is out!

But before we jump into the book, let’s talk to Ryan about his experience cosplaying. I mean I do run a cosplay blog!

EJEN: So Ryan, after digging around on Google I discovered you cosplayed at New York Comic Con previously. Take me back and let’s talk about how you discover cosplay, what do you love about it and take me through your experience cosplaying and convention going.

RYAN: I’ve always loved crafting costumes, and I’ve always loved cons and anime, but for some reason I didn’t cosplay myself until I started dating this guy who needed help on an iceman look. We dated for a few years and it was through him that I got really into the world of cosplay, even building us matching Hawkman cosplays for NYCC one year. I started writing a book about cosplay soon after, and fell deeper in love through the process of research. I love cosplay for so many reasons.

Dressing up is such an effective way of outsmarting reality and inhabiting the body of someone powerful, or eccentric, or dramatic. It feels good and it looks cool. Plus, I have profound respect for the work that goes into building these looks. I love that cosplay is half armor, half art, and entirely fun.

The irony of writing a book about crafting and cosplay is that I rarely had time to work on my own cosplays. The result was that despite being super crafty, I was constantly the only one in my group of con friends not dressed up, which meant I got to hold their stuff and take photos of them while at cons. Which I actually love! It gave me the ability to absorb the atmosphere and appreciate everyone’s hard work, and observe. That’s what I needed while writing, but now that the book is done I’m super excited to get to work on all the things I couldn’t create these past few years. Soon, my friends will be forced to hold my things and take my photo!

EJEN; Cosplay is like any creative process faced with barriers and difficulties, some of them interior battles and along the way I think we find ourselves through this process.  Share with us how cosplay has informed you and your writing.

RYAN: There is nothing more humbling than that task of taking something imagined and attempting to make it material. Cosplays are like that. So are books. The mark of a job well done is often the lack of any signs of effort, but the truth is that effortless excellence comes at the steep price of a lot of rejection, failure, and determination. I learned this early on in my own crafting ventures, and it prepared me for the monumental task of taking the worlds in my head and trying, despite physics and reality, to put them into the heads of others.

If you’re me, you start every project with half the knowledge you need to finish it. Half if you’re lucky. The rest has to be figured out as you go.When I create something--a craft, a cosplay, or a book--it’s often an exercise in trust and vulnerability. I trust that if I just keep going, I’ll finish, and maybe it won’t suck. And that’s a vulnerable thing to do--to know perfectly well that you’re not nearly as skilled as you need to be to accomplish something, yet setting out to accomplish it anyways.

EJEN: So your new book Be Dazzled has been tagged as Project Runway meets Comic Con. I’m sure your con experiences help create the characters Raffy and Luca, can you talk about how these two came into being as well as the genesis of your second novel?

RYAN: I was a mess at my first NYCC. I stayed up every night for like a month prior building matching cosplays for me and my boyfriend, who wasn’t very useful at crafting but was super hot, so we balanced each other out. Anyways, on the day of NYCC I was irritable and exhausted, but also elated and inspired. It was a strange, super-specific scenario, and immediately afterwards I called my agent to tell her I wanted to write a rom com based on it. 

That’s how I got Raffy and Luca, and their fraught relationship drama taking place during a cosplay competition. Raffy is this super determined artist that fights through perfectionism and anxiety to deliver amazing work, yet Luca, his ex-boyfriend, gets tons of recognition cosplaying because he’s hot. The book is fiction, and the story is made up, but it’s rooted in a real experience and a real relationship.

And for anyone wondering, me and that guy broke up. It wasn’t because of cosplay though, I promise! We’re still best friends, and the book is actually dedicated to him.

EJEN: How was the writing process with the second book? I mean with your first book there was definitely many, many years put into that book. This time I assume your writing time has shortened plus you definitely have more experience under your belt.

RYAN:  I’m careful about saying this because I don’t want the Novelist Mafia to put a hit out on me, but writing this book was a lovely, painless process. I think it’s because this book is made out of pure love and joy. Even though it starts with a breakup, the book itself is about all these things I love, and have loved forever.

Crafting, anime, costumes, cons, new love, second chances, teamwork -- it’s all readily available joy that I just had to write down. And it also helped that the emotional plot of the book was something I myself had gone through, so much of this felt like therapy.

And, of course, there’s the deadline. First books are hard because no one is asking for them, usually. You can just go on and on until you’re done. Second books, however, are often developed with a deadline looming. I’d like to think I’m a better writer the second time around, but it may just be that I’m a tad bit more….inspired.

EJEN: I love your story how growing up you didn’t see queer people represented in the books you read so you were inspired in a way to make own path plus the way you found yourself a book deal makes it sounds like a dream. Though you know as well as I do there are many curves and many paths to reach your goal. What are some nuggets you would give creators out there hustling for their dreams?

RYAN: Take your dreams seriously. Afford your dreams the dignity of your best effort. There’s lots and lots of advice out there meant to ease off the pressure, to give you a break, to treat yourself, to take care, to take a break -- all of that is good advice. But I always tell creatives that it’s also okay to know exactly what you want to do, and to pursue it with unremitting resolve. I especially want queer creators to know this, because so often no one is asking after our art. We have to create it without any promises it’ll be recognized, and it’s so easy to give up as a result. So I’m here to tell you to take your work seriously, because it deserves it. And you deserve it.

EJEN: What would you hope readers would take away after finishing your book.

RYAN: My greatest dream is that someone will put down my book and be inspired to make something amazing for themselves. It doesn’t have to be a cosplay or a book. It could be a dragon made out of laffy taffy for all I care. I just want people to get in touch with their own ability to make cool stuff, and to take risks expressing themselves.

My second greatest dream is that readers realize that stories like this--that are joyful and queer--are too rare. I hope they put down my book and ask for another just like it.

EJEN: So how are you handling the pandemic ? Are you using the time for your next book?

RYAN: I certainly should be, but I’ve found instead that the pandemic has created an oddly perfect scenario for me to focus on all the arting and crafting I didn’t get to do while I was writing a book about arts and crafts. I’m writing more, but I’m also working on lots of mini-projects. I’ve started a crafting channel on YouTube, for instance, and separately a podcast in which me and another writer are reading a fantasy novel written by Tyra Banks as if it’s a IRL Bookclub. Stuff like that.

EJEN: Awesome, thank you Ryan and good luck with what comes next, I hope to see you in the future at Anime NYC or New York Comic Con!

Be Dazzled is available now. Read the first chapter here.

[toushindai]

I originally drafted a post about how "reach out and grasp" came to be, but then went "no, this is far too self-indulgent" and resolved not to make such a post

but then I remembered that this is my blog and self-indulgence is literally the entire point

so!

Where did the idea come from?

Depends on which part of the idea you're talking about!

On December 24, 2018, 18 days after EA began, I first encountered the "Fury" remembrance screen ("One thing the mortals have on us is how quickly they become men. This is the Fury Megaera. She will accelerate the process in your case.") Within twenty-four hours I had committed myself to an "arranged marriage" interpretation of this line. I have not significantly wavered since. (When I have wavered, I have remembered that Zagreus claims he originally tried not to get emotionally attached to Megaera, which fortifies my certainty that Hades did indeed intend a relationship between the two rather than Megaera just being another tutor.)

Eventually, sometime after Thanatos existed and it was clear he was also a love interest, I concluded that at some point during the engagement, he and Megaera got in an argument about...... uh...... "which one of them is a better influence on the incorrigible Zagreus." Definitely not "which one of them better deserves to spend time with Zagreus and be romantically associated with him." No way, definitely not. And then didn't speak until after the MegZag breakup. After the MegZag breakup, their friendship "returned to normal." Of course it returned to normal, why would either of them resent each other over a thing like Zagreus? Now that's just ridiculous. (If you've read "reach out and grasp," you have seen that I do not think their friendship entirely repairs at this point.)

In February 2020, I decided to investigate the game files for funsies. There, I discovered several very interesting things about what jealousy-flavored lines become available and unavailable when. You can see some of my analysis of those discoveries here, but it was at this point that I really became interested in writing how Megaera and Thanatos worked out their jealousy, because I was still frustrated that they were obviously jealous early on in the romance progressions but blow Zagreus off if he asks about it once he's dating them. Relying on the conclusions from various line requirements, and working exclusively in a "Thanatos first, Megaera second" version of things (thanks to the blurse of my own RNG), I settled on a headcanon that at some point, around the eighth gift to Megaera, she and Thanatos had a conversation that resolved the lion's share of the awkward resentment they'd been feeling since the above bullet point, which resolved Thanatos's jealousy (hence locking his "you sure have been seeing a lot of Megaera lately" line) but did not fully make up Megaera's mind (which is why her "I'm sure Death will welcome you with open arms" line stays open a little longer). Therefore I envisioned a second conversation after the completion of both romance arcs where they actually got on the same page about things. (Again, if you've read ROAG, this should be sounding intensely familiar.)

Over the course of several months, several attempts were made to write either of the conversations described in the above bullet point. All ended in failure and frustration.

Additionally, I spent much of early quarantine settling on a headcanon in which Meg and Than have never been romantically/sexually interested in each other, but have often been perceived as such throughout the Underworld, to some degree of discomfort. Then Blood Price (June 2020) swoops in with some Official info about how Than and Meg became close (over Sisyphus) and also adding the the canon threesome scene, which I am on the record as not being terribly fond of for various reasons. That I had just spent three IRL-unusually-miserable months deciding that Meg and Than are slightly repulsed by being thought of as romantically attached is a significant part of this as well. Blood Price was a time!

Anyway. Shortly before 1.0 I stumbled across a list of ship domesticity questions, which got me thinking about marriage between the MZT trio. This was when I decided "well, I don't think MegZag want to get married after what they've already been through with each other, but what about ThanZag? Oh for sure. And what does that feel like for Meg when they do, then?" Again this should be sounding familiar...

A fic?

As I was thinking about that last bullet point above, I began to push a series of several headcanons together: I envisioned a series of events in which Megaera, half-sarcastically, asks Thanatos where her congratulations for being engaged to Zagreus are; in which Meg apologizes for not congratulating Than on getting together with Zag a bit quicker due to being slower to resolve her own jealousy; in which Meg sincerely and easily congratulates Than at his wedding to Zagreus.

Parallelism being an irresistible catnip to me, thus was born the first inklings of what I for a very long time called "hinge" or "hinge fic." A fic focusing on how Zagreus, placed at the "hinge" between Megaera and Thanatos, allowed them to become closer friends. The original idea, which I did attempt to start writing before 1.0, was going to be formatted as a series of narrative passages covering a wide period of time alternating with three specific tension-filled, or tension-relieving, conversations between Meg and Than. "Isn't that just ROAG" you may ask, if you don't understand just how brief I meant to be with the narrative passages. I will allow you to look at the first one (the only one I really wound up writing) here but you're not allowed to judge me for it because I'm already telling you it's not very good. This was meant to be followed by another paragraph or two about "OK actually Meg and Zag kind of like each other" before leaping right into the Meg-Than argument about which one of them should get to marry Zag would be a better influence on the irresponsible prince.

Then 1.0 happened and not only was I consumed with actually playing the game a whole lot and writing fic responding to the game's ending, but then I hurt my hand and couldn't write at all for a month and was miserable etc etc etc

Then I started seeing the Big Bang advertised and thought that an external commitment and a deadline might be just the things I needed to get these damn headcanons into a fic already.

So how was the writing process?

It was absolute hell! Thank you for asking.

I mean, when I started writing while considering the Big Bang, back in December, I hadn't even 100% made up my mind that it was a Meg character study. I did decide on that much pretty quickly, but where should it start? I wavered on including the Sisyphus chapter and originally thought I was starting with "Hey Meg you're engaged now :)". But I wanted to have a bit about Meg and Than's friendship so as to make it more emotionally charged when that friendship starts deteriorating, which meant I had to write the Sisyphus chapter, and my first several attempts at the Sisyphus chapter (December-February) had no sense of emotional uniting theme. Oh my god they were so bad. Oh my god chapter 1 was so hard. I suffered. The turning point was when I stuck a bunch of post-it notes on a wall to track the emotional arc of the entire fic and wound up concluding that I needed to start with Meg and Than meeting over their Chthonic Companions--thereby pretty much tossing every word of chapter 1 I'd written so far in the garbage can. I could immediately, within seconds, tell that this was going to be much better, and I swore copiously about it.

Even after that, it took me several drafts of the entire fic to figure out what the emotional theme was, to figure out what specific story I was telling about Meg. And with each theme I tried on, I had to rewrite entire conversations so that they were on that theme. Several times over. The conversation between Meg and Than just before Zag escapes for the first time--which, you remember, I had wanted to write since February 2020--took much wrangling.

But how satisfying when it actually started to come together!

The thing is I have never before written something that the first draft was so bad and had to rewrite it over and over and eventually turn it into something that was actually good. Something I felt proud of! I've never had this happen before. If I hadn't committed to the Big Bang, I would have given up. And ROAG wouldn't exist. I am considering this experience with great seriousness and trying to learn from it.

[storiesforallfandoms]

feeling used ~ machine gun kelly

word count: 2105

request?: yes!

@kellysimagines : “I was wondering if you could write a imagine where the reader is a hairdresser and she is best friends with Rook and he introduces her to mgk and they become really close and after a couple of dates they started dating and she goes with him too premieres and shows and stuff and he gives her presents and stuff and people in the media think she is using him for the fame and money and he is on tour and he somehow believes it and we break up and one day he finds out his ex spread the rumor and he comes to my salon and he apoligizes and he proposes there?”

description: when rumors start about the relationship between a super successful rapper and a normal hairdresser, they start to get to colson’s head, and he makes the worst decision

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing

the ex in question i’ll be using is chantel, but i just want everyone to know that i don’t have anything against chantel irl. i don’t even really know her all that well XD

Dating someone famous was as both amazing and tiring at the same time, and you wouldn’t change that for the world.

You were just a normal hair dresser, nothing to extravagant, just a hair dresser in a local salon in downtown LA. Sometimes famous people came in, but the place wasn’t anything that anyone famous was raving about. But you liked it that way, you preferred the smallness of the salon, and of your life. The only big, show business thing in your life was that your best friend was a drummer for some famous rapper that you hadn’t really heard of until your friend started touring with him. And that’s when your life truly got crazy.

Rook introduced you to Colson and it was like love at first sight. You both clicked right away, and after a few dates you decided to make it official. You started joining Colson on red carpets for his movies and to parties for his album releases. He bought you anything and everything you could ever want, and had you spoiled within months of being together. Not that any of that mattered. You were just happy to be with him.

Of course, with a relationship with a famous celebrity came hate. The hate started just a month after your relationship, and at first it was the usual “you don’t deserve to be with him”, “you’re a skank”, “lmao he deserves better” type comments, which were easy to ignore. But within the past month or so, things escalated. People were claiming that you had been using Colson to get publicity. Someone had told the press that ever since you and Colson had started dating, you started getting lots of clients, especially famous ones, and that once you were big enough you were going to dump him.

That couldn't be more wrong. Your clientele stayed the same after you started dating Colson. You never once mentioned that you were a hairdresser or for where in any interviews, not that you really got involved in many of Colson’s interviews anyways. The hate didn’t bug you, however. You were so in love with Colson that you could care less what anyone else thought about you.

You were finishing up a clients hair one day when one of your colleague’s clients stopped to look at you.

“Are you (Y/N)?” she asked. “MGK’s girlfriend?”

“I am,” you said with a smile.

She glared at you and hissed, “Attention whore!” before turning and walking out of the salon. You rolled your eyes. That wasn’t an uncommon occurrence either.

“What was that about?” your client asked. She was a regular, a nice lady in her mid 40s that came in at least once a month to get her hair re-dyed. She was probably one of your favourite clients.

“Just some fangirl of my boyfriend who believes I’m using him for attention,” you told her. “It’s nothing new, I’ve been over it for so long.”

“You really don’t deserve that. You’re such a nice girl!” she told you. You smiled gratefully at her.

“Hey, (Y/N),” called the receptionist of the salon. “Call for you, says it’s your boyfriend.”

“Tell him to give me a minute, I’m just finishing with a client.”

When you finished up and sent your client along her merry way, you almost skipped with happiness over to the phone and answered with a cheery, “Hey baby!”

There was a brief pause. Confused, you repeated, “Colson? You still there?”

“Hey (Y/N),” came his familiar voice. You wanted to smile, talking to Colson always made you smile, but he didn’t sound very happy. You furrowed your brow in worry.

“Are you okay, babe?” you asked him.

“We need to talk.”

The worst four words to hear from anyone. The look on your face must’ve alerted your receptionist that something was wrong as she got up from her chair and offered it to you, saying she was going to “check on something”.

You sat down on the chair. “What’s wrong? Is everything alright?”

“I...I don’t think we should continue our relationship.”

And just like that, your heart ripped in two. You tried not to start crying, since the salon was currently filled with your coworkers and their clients. You took deep breaths to stop yourself from crying.

“Why?” you asked him. “Colson, what’s wrong?”

Colson sighed. “I just...I don’t like this feeling that you’re using me, (Y/N).”

Your eyes widened then. “What? Colson, don’t tell me you believe those rumours. You know I’m not using you for fame! I haven’t gained anything from our relationship other than just getting to be with you. You can even ask my coworkers if you want, I haven’t gotten any new clients or any new publicity.”

“It just doesn’t feel like a relationship,” Colson continued. “We don’t even talk all that much since I’ve been on tour, and I’m always buying you things - “

“You insist on buying me things!” you cut him off. “And I work all day. I text you before work, I text you on my breaks, and we facetime every night. I can’t talk to you all day when we’re both busy, Colson.”

He was silent before simply saying, “Goodbye (Y/N).”

You held the phone to your ear listening to the dial tone for a moment longer. You couldn’t believe that Colson actually believed the rumors! How could he believe you were using him? After all the amazing times you spent together the past year, all the private moments, the kisses, the “I love you”s that you genuinely meant. And he really chose to believe some internet trolls over his own girlfriend.

One of you coworkers noticed your blank stare and come over to ask if you were okay. You merely shook your head. She took the phone from your ear and placed it back on the desk before calling for the receptionist.

“Cancel any other appointments (Y/N) has for today,” she told her. “Put them in any openings she has for the next few days.”

“I can’t just cancel for no reason,” you said, although you felt numb and you knew working like this was a bad idea.

“I don’t know what just happened on the phone but I know it’s hindering your ability to work,” you coworker said. “Go home, get some sleep, cry if you have to. If you want, when I’m off, I’ll grab some wine and come over and we can drink and talk shit.”

You smiled gratefully and stood from the chair. You felt like you were going to pass out, but you powered through it and made it to your car. The minute the door closed, you started crying.

~~~~~~

Weeks came and passed and you hadn’t heard a single word from Colson. But you were seeing plenty about him online. It was as if the day after you broke up he was being seen partying with girls, getting flirty. One tabloid even reported that two days after your breakup he was spotted leaving a party with some girl. You came to the conclusion that this was the real reason he had broken up with you, which hurt even more because it felt like he didn’t even care about you. That the whole year you two had spent together and he really threw it away and started hooking up with other girls in a matter of days.

You decided to throw yourself into your work. You packed your days with as many clients as you could, and when you didn’t have clients you were practising new hairstyles on the mannequins. It kept you busy enough that you didn't think about Colson.

Unfortunately, the breakup also resulted in your friendship with Rook being damaged. You two barely spoke, and when you did it was very obviously awkward. Rook never called or facetimed you like he used to, mainly because he spent basically every moment he was on tour with Colson, and some days you could barely bring yourself to text him because it just reminded you too much of the relationship you had just lost.

As the days turned into weeks, it seemed like getting over Colson was getting easier. You were starting to push every bit of sadness you had out of your mind, and you were doing pretty good at blocking out the memories of you past year together. You were recovering just fine, until the bell over the door at the salon rang one day and a familiar tall man stood there.

You stared at him for a long time as he just stared back, his blue eyes filled with sadness. You rolled your eyes and turned away.

“Do you have an appointment?” the receptionist asked. All your coworkers knew what Colson had done to you, and they were equally as angry at him. In fact, the girls were glaring at him in a way that you were sure he was going to die on the spot.

“No, but I’d like to talk to (Y/N) for a minute,” he said.

“She’s busy,” the receptionist responded. “Booked up solid for about a week. Want to make an appointment for next Friday?”

Colson shook his head and walked right past her. She called after him but he ignored her and walked right up to you. You ignored him for a moment, working on finishing up your clients hair, before turning to glare at him. “What do you want?”

“I want to talk,” he responded.

You rolled your eyes. “Oh, you talked quite enough when you accused me of using you. I’m busy, go away.”

He grabbed your arm, almost causing you to cut a wrong spot on your client’s hair. “What the fuck?!”

“I made a mistake,” he told you. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have listened to any of those rumors. I know you love me, I know what we had was real, I know what you were feeling was real. I was such a damn idiot, please I’m so sorry.”

Angry tears were starting to form in your eyes. You turned fully to face him. “Oh yeah, you seemed really fucking sorry when you were out partying with all those girls, when you were flirting them up, when you went home with one of them! What’s wrong? Did your new plaything dump you?”

Everyone was staring at your both, but no one was making any moves to stop the fighting. They were all too wrapped up watching what was happening to even think about breaking it up.

“No!” Colson snapped. “I never went home with any of those girls, I never even flirted with any of them! I partied to try and get you off my mind, but it never worked. You have to believe me (Y/N), all this time I’ve been thinking about you. I wanted to call or something but, being the idiot I am, I thought you had been using me. I found out recently that it was Chantel that started those rumours. Apparently she told some tabloid that she had witnessed us together in private, that you were very cold and that you obviously didn’t want me. She was trying to break us up thinking I’d go back to her. When I didn’t, she told me everything.”

He took your hands in his. “Baby, I’m really so sorry. I know sorry isn’t enough, I know I hurt you. I know I fucked up so bad. But I can’t be without you. You’re the love of my life, you complete me, as fucking corny as that is. I need you in my life.”

Suddenly he was lowering to one knee. You covered your mouth in shock as he took a ring from his pocket and held it up to you. “You have every right to say no, but I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to be able to call you my wife, to start our own family together, to just be happy together in general. (Y/N), will you marry me?”

Before the question was completely out of his mouth, you exclaimed, “Yes! Oh my god, yes!”

You had forgotten that you in the middle of a busy hair salon until your coworkers and their clients cheered with excitement as Colson stood and took you in his arms, placing a loving kiss on your lips. Not that you cared all that much. For the first time in weeks, you felt whole again, and you were beyond happy to be able to spend the rest of your life with Colson.

[yikes-xander]

000:00:00:00

PLAYLIST ANALYSIS

This is actually me just rambling about my thoughts on each song and why I chose them for this specific playlist rather than like.. an actually good and smart sounding in-depth analysis sorry :/

When I Met You - Ethan Nestor

There are many reasons I chose this one! Mostly the lyrics, but Ethan also sings it so it’s extra fitting for the playlist, especially as the opener.

“When I met you my life was blue, I was so lonely / You took me by surprise” The channel came into my life at the perfect time. I was feeling low, in my last year of high school, struggling with thoughts about the future. It especially helped me through quarantine. Every day I felt like quitting, giving up on putting effort into school/not graduating, but I had something to look forward to every day too, so I pushed through.

“Now you're gone from my life / I'm adrift on the sea” Once the stream ended and the channel was gone, I didn’t know how I felt. I felt sad, but also something I’ve never felt before. After watching Ethan’s video yesterday, hearing him explain he felt the same way, I felt so relieved. I think this lyric kind of describes how I feel now honestly, just kinda numb? Like I’m lost. I’m working on it.

Another Night - Story Untold

More of a light-hearted one now! To me, this song made me think about how good it felt to be a part of the audience.

“Here we go for another night / Another night goofing all around” Everyone (the audience, Mark, Ethan, etc.) having fun every single day? *chefs kiss*

“Laughing 'til our stomachs hurt / And I can't let this moment pass me by” Once again, made me think of all the good times that were a part of the channel, and all the good feelings they gave me.

“So here’s to a night we’ll remember / This is a time we never wanna forget” I think this is kind of self-explanatory? I don’t think any of us want to forget Unus Annus. Personally, it’s literally the best thing I’ve ever had the chance to see happen and be a part of.

100 Bad Days - AJR

This song just gives me good vibes, UA gave me good vibes, it had to be on the playlist. I don’t have much else to say about it.

History - One Direction

This song kind of reminds me of Ethan and Mark separately and UA as a whole. Because like,, they make a great team, they have a lot of history (friends for a long time, Ethan was a fan of Mark before that, etc.)

“You and me got a whole lot of history / So don't let it go, we can make some more, we can live forever” A year is a long time but also feels like no time at all. Sometimes I wish we had more time for UA, but I’m glad I was here for what we got.

“This is not the end” Unus Annus is something I’ll never forget.

Dopamine - With Confidence

Maybe also kind of self-explanatory? Dopamine makes you feel good!! UA also makes me feel good. And the song talks about losing it too so.. yeah

This Is Home - Cavetown

I’m not exactly sure why I felt so drawn to this? But the vibes are immaculate.

“Are you dead? / Sometimes I think I'm dead / 'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head / But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet” after the stream vibes anyone? Or is it just me? I stayed up way too long after it was over. Too many thoughts head full

“Time is / Slowly / Tracing his face / But strangely he feels at home in this place” Unus and Annus,, the Boys of Time babey!!

Ghost Of You - 5 Seconds of Summer

Again.. The VIBES are IMMACULATE. It’s just a sad song for a sad time.

“Too young, too dumb / To know things like love” I’m just a stupid boy who got emotionally attached to a channel whose whole purpose was to DIE and I’m sensitive about it.

All I Wanted - Paramore

Lyrics make me do a Think

“Wake up early to black and white re-runs” colors of the channel,, thinking about all the vids,, the memories :(

“I could follow you to the beginning / And just to relive the start / And maybe then we'll remember to slow down / At all of our favorite parts” this entire verse?? Oh my god. Absolutely *chefs kiss* I think we all know what I mean and like,, why it gives me UA vibes

The Kids from Yesterday - My Chemical Romance

This song just gives me like sad nostalgic vibes so I thought it fit well.

“... you only hear the music when your heart begins to break” the timer reaches the end and the ticking stops? Heartbreaking, that’s all

I Will Follow You into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

Another song thats just,, sad so it fits

“Love of mine, someday you will die” we knew from the start the the channel would literally die when the clock stopped,,

“It's nothing to cry about 'cause we'll hold each other soon / In the blackest of rooms” shut up I’m mourning someone hold my hand

“I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black” death goddess Amy vibes

I’ll Always Be Around - Waterparks

“If you died I'd hope you'd haunt me / Because you know I'd miss you bad” we all love UA so much!! And miss it a ton already

“I'd never I'd never I'd never get you off my mind” it’s always thinking about Unus Annus hours

Before You Go - Lewis Capaldi

There are multiple lyrics in this song that just make me remember we only have our memories of the channel left

“Our every moment, I start to replace / 'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say” the vids are replaced with only memories, replayed over and over

“Well, time can heal but this won't” I’ll be sad about this forever mind ur business

“But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face” the very last moment of the stream? Amy and Mark looking at the camera, Mark’s lil smile, Ethan looking back at the clock as the last few seconds tick by? AAAAH

Scarlet Cross - Black Veil Brides

Heard this and immediately reverted back to my middle school self but that’s beside the point.

“... you can't deny / The end is coming, the end is coming” we knew from the start that the channel would die

“Will we live? / Will we die? / Just keep on saving our goodbyes” There were points where people were theorizing that the channel wouldn’t actually end, there were clips near the end where the clock reversed by a few seconds, etc. need I say more?

“Hold onto me, and I can't let go” we’re all mourning, we didn’t want to say goodbye I know I’m not the only sad one

Body - Mother Mother

This song just SCREAMS Unus and Annus vibes I think we can all agree

“I've grown tired of this body / Fall apart without me, body” Unus and Annus are just entities using Ethan and Mark’s bodies,, they know their time is up so they have to leave,, the LORE it makes sense okay leave me alone

Here Comes the End - Gerard Way (ft Judith Hill)

At this point I’m just listing lyrics that I vibe with that remind me of UA and also make me sad but that’s because I’m dumb and I don’t know how to express myself or explain my thoughts oops

“The time is running out / The days are moving fast” literally every day after each video,, seeing the clock tick down? My HEART she hurt

“The clock is moving / Hands to midnight / Can we get through this?” For me, the stream ended right at midnight so THE VIBES I was sobbing

When Can I See You Again? - Owl City

“Switch on the sky and the stars glow for you / Go see the world 'cause it’s all so brand new” this lyric remind me of the vid where they were in the desert and they just looked at the stars and had a nice talk it was so wholesome I love them

“It's been fun but now I've got to go / Life is way too short to take it slow” Unus Annus is gone but we all have to remember to live, do what you want with no regrets.

(Don’t Fear) The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

This one is another pretty self explanatory one honestly

It’s also just a vibe like a lot of the other songs that’s all I have to say about it

Safe and Sound - Capital Cities

This song just radiates such good feelings man oof

Unus Annus felt like such a safe lil bubble for me?? Like,, Mark and Ethan did dumb shit because they WANTED TO I felt so validated like,, I also would do dumb shit if I could that probably makes no sense but I love them so it doesn’t matter

Happiest Year - Jaymes Young

This one absolutely BREAKS MY HEART

“I'm here to admit / That you were my medicine” yall,, UA was the only thing that kept me going and I'm not afraid to admit it

“Thank you for the happiest year of my life” literally the only thing that gave me serotonin oops :/

“So wake me up when they build that time machine / I want to go back” do I need to explain? Even though this year has been shitty irl, I would relive it in a heartbeat

The 3ND - Story Untold

I know this is a breakup song,, but hear me out

Some of the lyrics FIT and it’s my playlist I can do what I want shut up

“I never wanted what we had to end / But now it's over” once again,, no need to explain

“I know we had our dreams and we had plans… / That now it's time to let go” this just makes me think of the video where they talk about the video ideas they had but never filmed or just didn't post,, the CONTENT WE COULD'VE GOTTEN i'm sad

Still Remembering - AS IT IS

These boys.. My fave band of all time but also literally all their songs have immaculate vibes

“My heart's as heavy / As these nights are long” this gives me after the stream feels,, I stayed up way too long after it ended I couldn't sleep because I was sad :/

“Can you tell me what hurts more / Is it remembering or forgetting?” The whole chorus just hits me so hard man I'm so scared that I'm gonna forget unus annus because my brain is shitty even though I know I won't? I’m deadass getting a tattoo as soon as I can

Take Me Away - With Confidence

This song just makes me think about how UA was kind of an escape for me? And a lot of people yknow sometimes you just need to get your mind off of this happening around you and UA was really good for that in my opinion

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

Once again saying I would relive this year if I had the chance

Unus Annus was one of a kind, no one will ever be able to recreate it

Where’d All the Time Go? - Dr. Dog

A year sounds like such a long time but it goes by way too fast

Also I think Amy had this on her instagram story after the stream? I don't remember but THE VIBES

This December - Ricky Montgomery

Why do so many ricky montgomery songs have UA vibes? Idk

“Well, this December, I'll remember / Want you to see it when I do” UA ended in november,, we’ll remember in december and forever it FITS

“It’s just a little bit, It’s just a little bit / Lonely in this home / It’s always colder on your own'' honestly now that UA is gone there's like,, a void and I'm sad (I keep saying that but it's true so..)

When You Die - MGMT

Maybe this is the song Amy had in her story after the stream? Again,, I don’t remember

I think this one is also pretty self explanatory

Except I was feeling A LOT when the channel died but I’m glad the team was also kinda in their feels a bit yknow? It made me feel better about it

Good Times - All Time Low

“Underneath the stars we came alive / And singing to the sky just felt right / I won't forget the good times” once again,, that stargazing vid? IM CRYING all the vids gave me so much serotonin I loved them all and each day was such a good day

“I'll hate the goodbye” I don't need to explain..

“Middle fingers up, ego trip / Devil may care but we didn't mind” the chaotic vibes of the channel is what sucked me in I live for chaos that's what this lyric makes me think of

Goodnight, Travel Well - The Killers

I don't think I really need to explain this one because,, just listen to the song and you'll get it but I'll just list some fave lyrics of mine

“There's nothing I can say / There's nothing we can do now” end of the stream vibes for sure

“And all that stands between the souls release / This temporary flesh and bone / We know that it's over now” Unus and Annus vibes

Line Without a Hook - Ricky Montgomery

This is one of the songs that I hear a lot in like edits I see on twitter and stuff associated with UA and I Get It the vibes are so good the song is so good I love it

“Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you / I need you here to stay” one of my fave lyrics and also just,, makes sense I miss UA

As the World Caves In - Matt Maltese

Another song that's in a lot of edits and stuff that's also,, amazing and MAKES SENSE the vibes!!

“And here it is, our final night alive” the STREAM

“You put your finest suit on / I paint my fingernails / Oh we're going out in style babe” Our boys,, Unus and Annus in the suits and eths painted nails? An absolute LOOK

I just love this song so much its so good and makes me so sad

The End. - My Chemical Romance

This song is just So Sad

And the heart monitor beeping in the beginning?? Reminds me of the clock ticking my heart is BROKEN

If you actually read all of this? I love you!! This was 6 pages so thank you for sticking through and listening to all of my dumb thoughts