#i need to start applying at other places cause this is bullshit

[jacqcrisis]

Just heard some info that means it'll be easier to get a fucking job in the department I want to work in if I start applying to different financial institutions instead of the one I've worked at for six fucking years so that's cool and awesome. Good use of my time.

[buckyalpine]

Here is a list of things that make me mad in no particular order. Angry ranting. Pls ignore this, I'm just screaming into the void. These example apply to very specific situations I've encountered with people who are perfectly capable of doing better.

People who lack common sense. Social awareness. Common courtesy. Saying "Oh my God, I'd never do that" when they've never been even close to said situation but they're now experts on how they'd act while sitting on their pristine Thoroughbred horse, sipping on English tea with their pink so high it may as well be in their nose.

People who say "Well I wouldn't care if it happened to me" or "I'm just being honest" when you point out something they did/said.

When autocorrect/spellcheck decides it cannot for the life of it figure out what you're trying to spell OR it gives you suggestions for every word under the sun except the one you want. All you did was leave out a single letter with the rest of it spelled perfectly and spellcheck decides to go into a coma. So you fix the mistake and the little squiggly red line goes away. Fuck you.

Gnats. WTF is you're problem. I've Googled this shit cause I want to know why tf you can't just fly straight, why do you have to buzz all over the damn place near my head of all places.

Flies. Same thing as above. Why tf can't you just fly straight. WHY NEAR MY EAR. You have the entire world and you decided my room is the place to be? And now we're both miserable because you keep hitting yourself against the window after noticing your grave mistake. I leave the door wide open but you want to keep body slamming the glass.

Giving me life advice on something you know nothing about.

People who don't love their pets. Yeah, you take care of them but you do it as a chore and then complain about it. Those little fur babies deserve it all, give them the best or don't have pets at all.

Holier than thou attitude.

People who laugh at those who are visibly upset and tell them they're being too sensitive.

Allergies. IDK Why tf my body acts surprised as hell every single spring. It's just fucking pollen. Why are you trying to fight it. Do you understand that in your brilliant plan to try and fight the little evaders you actually make me want to end it all because my nose is itching and my eyes are watering and I can't breathe. Food allergies are another level of bullshit. I'll never forget the day this one girl tells me she wished she had allergies? Like it makes you special, mf what??? She was being serious too.

Thin, straight, fine black hair. Can't do anything with it. It doesn't hold hairstyles, doesn't curly, gets heavy as soon as you use any product and 90% of the time it just looks like Snape cosplay. Ask me how I know

Parents who buy their very young children shoes with laces. This is inconvenient for all of us. why tf would you do this when Velcro exists. Your 4 year old doesn't need laces when they have no clue how to even eat cheese with their crackers, mf why did you buy this shoe for them?!

Bananas. Hate them with a burning passion. The smell. The texture. I hate the peel is left out and about like it isn't making the entire room smell. Don't even get me started on banana breath. (Keep in mind this is not me saying I think they're gross. I wish I liked them because they're a super convenient snack and very healthy)

People who lie and say you can't taste the banana in a smoothie. Yes, I can. You always can. You can have 1000lbs of any fruits and that single banana will still stand out.

People who don't understand mental illness/ act ignorantly to those suffering.

Big companies who ask you to donate to stuff. You're going to use this as a tax write off, stfu.

Inflation.

People who laugh at others for not knowing something. Maybe that thing had 0 relevance to their life. Maybe they learned about that because they were taught something else. Either way, how is it funny.

People who laugh at those learning a new language. You're the fucking worst. They are LEARNING. Let them get used to the pronunciation, let them get accustomed to sentence structures, let them make mistakes without being embarrassed. You're the embarrassing one cackling you're damn ass off while they're trying to do something new. You're discouraging them from wanting to continue because you feel the need to be an asshole.

People who make everything a serious debate/conversation.

People who steal. Not out of necessity but just because they can. I'll never forget overhearing this group of kids in my high school bragging and laughing their asses off over how much candy they stole from other kids. They also stole phones. These were not troubled kids mind you, they were doing this for shits and giggles.

Eczema. So fucking itchy, why can't skin just act right. It feels awful, looks awful and just comes and goes as it pleases.

People who clown you for who you find attractive. Why. If I find this person attractive, what in the ever loving flying fuck does it have to do with you. It's just so unnecessarily rude. I don't even get how its funny or why you find it okay to call someone ugly as if this is something they personally have control over.

I'm going to add more to this list.

[brucewaynehater101]

i want you to know that i scroll through your posts and interactions just to find all your fic recs and open new ao3 tabs.

your tim parenting Bruce au has destroyed me and I love it so much thank you for your service.

do you have any more particularly gut wrenching aus cooking up in your genius noggin?

Heeeey. How'd you know I had a new AU I haven't released yet?

But before we get into that, thank you for the compliments. Angst is my favorite flavor.

As far the AU, you know the saying, "You either die as a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"?

I feel like that could fit Tim so well.

How I imagine the AU to start out would be Tim as Robin. He's in the batcave with Bruce as the man is showing him a particularly devastating case. Bruce, his mentor but not his father, turns to Tim with a grimmace.

"There's a reason we have a code, Tim."

They both glance at Jason's memorial and Bruce's hands start to shake.

"As much as we may want to give in to our desires and emotions, we can't stoop down to their level. There needs to be lines we won't cross, even for the greater good."

Azure eyes snap to arctic ones, begging for the younger to understand.

"We do this to protect others, even those who are twisted and foul. We aren't the judges or executioners."

Tim nods in agreement, and Bruce's shoulders lose a little of their tension. The older man pats the teen's shoulder in pride before his attention goes back to the murder case.

Tim, as Robin, had many interactions with Bruce that shaped who he was as a vigilante. How much force to apply when fighting, what lines to cross, and acceptable codes of conduct were taught to the kid in several instances. It didn't matter that Bruce himself had broken them or that, on very rare occasions, Dick also broke them. They were rules Tim was expected to follow, and they were reasonable lines. Of course, Tim did everything he could to meet those standards. He may have trained with Lady Shiva, and YJ may get into so whacky ordeals, but there's no excuse to go outside of those bounds.

It became difficult, though, when Jason beat Tim into the floor of Titan's Tower. When Jason, after hurting several family members, was welcomed back. It became a strain on Tim when Bruce enacted the 16th Birthday present fiasco or Tim found out about what the man had done to Dick (the bruise he left on Dick's face after Jason's passing). It was demanding to follow those rules when Damian came into the picture and when Dick handed him Robin.

When Tim found that painting of Bruce, when Dick and the JL turned their backs on him, when YJ wasn't there to support him, some part of Tim said "fuck it." Why should he follow standards he had to leash Bruce into obeying? The man wasn't even here anymore.

He still tried, but he gave less effort to it. He didn't want Bruce to find out when he returned after all.

But Tim? He never returned from that desert. As far as the Bats become aware after Tim sends them the data for Bruce and then blows up the bases, Tim died in the explosions he caused.

And the rest of the AU goes into Tim exploring how the guidelines Bruce gave him were bullshit, so he slowly starts to let more and more go until he has no moral bounds anymore. He's seen Bruce, Jason, Damian, Barbara, Alfred, and Dick all break one or more of these "rules" that were placed on Tim. So why should Tim go along with it?

What does it matter if he betrays, manipulates, tortures, and kills if it saves the most people? What does it matter if he commits suffering if he's helping people?

Until, one day, Bart and Kon are on the other side of the battlefield from Tim. While Bart is steadfast in defeating Tim (no matter how much it pains him), Kon is devastated that Tim never told him he was alive. He doesn't even care that Tim is a villain. If he had just asked, Kon would've joined him.

It's too late now. Bart needs Tim to stop, Tim can't let Kon join him, and Kon is torn between his duty and his friend.

So Tim does what he always does, he sacrifices himself. He allows them to take him into holding, executes his plan to murder all villains left, places restrictions on the JL (so they'll never hurt anyone the way they hurt Tim and abandoned his friends again), and then Tim disappears. Bart opposing Tim was the sign that Tim was in the wrong. He knows that. If he wasn't, Bart would've been on Tim's side no matter how morally grey he got.

Tim had crossed into the black.

He became what he always feared he might one day be.

[copperbadge]

Having ADHD and Being A Little Punk Rock

So....a huge amount of the discourse on Tumblr around neurodiversity generally is just venting. Which is good, it’s good to vent and Tumblr is a good place for it. And I know that often, when venting, the LAST thing you want to hear is someone trying to offer help or solutions. So generally I keep my mouth shut unless someone is speaking to me specifically. 

But a while back I saw someone asking (rhetorically) about what people with ADHD wish their parents had known, and I had a lot of thoughts about that which I started jotting down. Reading the various ADHD tags, I also see a lot of teens and twentysomethings with ADHD who visibly have no coping mechanisms and no way of creating them. I don’t blame the kids, and it’s not some kind of personal failing on their part; they’re young, and nobody has taught them. But I look at them and I think, A little sideways thinking would help you out so much. Then, recently, I got an ask (thank you for the permission not to respond directly) that was full of feelings about not being able to process or communicate well, and feeling a lot of negative emotions because of it. 

So, maybe it’s time to just throw this out there. I want to offer some advice as Fandom Dad with forty-three years of being neurodiverse and exactly seven months of actually being aware I was neurodiverse. Which for once is actually going to be pretty helpful! Because I looked at the world and I assumed my own neurotypicality and I thought, well, okay, but fuck all that.

Allow me to explain.  

I think this can apply to a number of ways in which people are neurodiverse, but I have ADHD so that’s what I’m really speaking to here. With ADHD, there’s medication, and I strongly urge people to explore that option because medication is awesome when it works. But there’s also a lot out there about how to try harder, or trick yourself into doing something in a very neurotypical way, or use systems that may not work for you. I know; I tried some too, and the sense of failure, the sense of being an ongoing failure, is terrible. So I want to offer an alternative which has helped me a great deal, and may help other people with ADHD, particularly younger people. 

People of any age, but especially young people who have ADHD, should be made aware that it’s okay to suck at things, to struggle, and to fail. Even if you think you should be good at something, even if everyone around you thinks so too, it’s okay to just be garbage at it and to acknowledge that fact. But just saying “well I’m dumb and can’t do this” of course isn’t actually helpful, and harms you a great deal, because you are a living person with feelings and if you’re self-aware enough to notice, you’re also too smart to be calling yourself dumb. Acknowledging that you’re bad at something, and even acknowledging that you’d like to succeed at it, is only part one of figuring life out.

Part two is deciding what to do about it, and more importantly, how. 

I was always told I was smart, but I was told “You’re smart so you should be able to do this”, not “You’re smart, so let’s come up with a way around this.” I don’t think many people are encouraged to explore why they are bad at something, to understand their own brains and thought processes which cause them to struggle.

Decades before I knew I had ADHD, I had to figure out that one of life’s most important skills is not being able to creatively solve problems but to recognize when you have to. Anyone can sit around and come up with three or four ways to solve a problem, but it’s not actually often taught that you should also be aware of when this is needed. Often, when faced with a problem that is difficult to solve, we’re taught that our reaction should be the socially approved “I just need to try harder”. Sometimes that’s true, but usually it’s not.  

More often, when we feel that instinct, especially as people with ADHD, we should say instead, “I’m not going to try harder, that’s bullshit. I’m trying already. I’m going to find another way to solve this problem.” Trying harder doesn’t work, after all, when your own brain is fighting you.

So you stop and think, if there were no rules to the world, how could I do this? You don’t have to work smarter; a lot of my solutions could reasonably be described as “work dumber”. The point is to work differently in a way that helps you specifically. 

Stop trying to remember to take your keys when you leave the house and get a lanyard and hang them on the doorknob; if you lose them a lot, hang the lanyard around your neck when you leave the house. 

Stop pretending you’ll remember to scoop the litterbox every night and set an alarm that tells you to do it. Or don’t, that works for me but might not for you! Maybe you have to put the litterbox somewhere you’ll see it right before bed (I ALSO do this for the days I turn off the alarm and then promptly forget it happened). 

There are phone charging cords in every room of my home so that I never run down my phone battery, something that is mildly inconvenient to have happen but deeply anxiety-inducing to think about for me. And now I never worry.

The point is, don’t ask how you can do better at something, ask how you can make something easier for you.

Even rewiring your brain to ask the question is a learned skill, though. You have to consciously stop when you find something is fighting you and consciously think, how can this be easier for my specific brain? If we assume I am not stupid but am in fact fighting an invisible monster, how do I make the monster visible? 

Life became roughly 60% easier for me when I started thinking this way. Of all the tips for time management and list making and organizing and de-organizing you can try and implement, none of that is necessary if you know how to ask yourself, “How do I do this differently?” and come up with alternatives that suit your brain. 

Especially with neurodivergence, there’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to handling it, neurologically or emotionally. So I think that it’s important to be a little bit punk rock. Not necessarily in the way of defying authority but in the way of defying convention -- the ability to say “fuck you” to the Way Things Are Done and do one’s own thing is very liberating and healthy. You lose a lot of the benefits of creative problem solving if you’re also ashamed of the solutions. So I think the best trick I know of to succeed despite unmedicated ADHD is just to say “fuck you, there must be an easier way to do this.” 

I’m garbage at cleaning my home (I can say that because I’m not only calling myself garbage, I’m using “I’m bad at this” as a stepping stone to solving the problem, and then I no longer feel like garbage and can joke about it with a healthy ego). I vacuum regularly and do the dishes and such but like...I don’t scrub the floors or dust or wash out the bathtub. That’s part of why I do November Cleaning -- so that at least once a year those things, that I never want to do but always think I should do, get done, but only have to be done once and at a specific designated time. So now if the bathroom floor is a bit grimy in the corners I just think, “Ah -- that’s for November” and add it to my November Cleaning list. 

For my friend who struggles with communication, which is something I also used to really struggle with (and still do in some ways), one of my “make stuff easier” techniques for this was simply to...tell people.

“Hey, I tend to talk really fast when I get excited, so please tell me if I need to slow down.” 

“Sorry, I have some hearing issues, I may ask you to repeat something -- it’s fine just to do it slower, I don’t need louder.” 

“I’m upset and struggling, I need a minute.” (or even just “Hey where’s the bathroom?” so you can sit quietly for a moment and gather your thoughts. If you’re too upset to talk, it also helps to type them out, which I often do.) 

If someone tells me something I want to remember, I’ll get out my phone and say “Sorry, I’m still listening, but I want to write that down so I won’t forget it.” I do all my writing-things-down in Google Tasks, then once I’m somewhere quiet and private I review the notes and move stuff that isn’t actually “to do” to another list. Sometimes I’ll tell someone “I’m so sorry, you just said something and I totally missed it, but it’s important to me -- can you repeat it?” 

Most people find that kind of honesty, where you’re open about why you’re maybe talking at cross-purposes, really charming. It indicates that you think they are important, and you’re putting in effort to hear what they’re saying and respond to it thoughtfully.  

I hope this is helpful in finding ways around some basic problems, rather than through them -- that being able to stop and think “This could be easier -- how?” is something that people can internalize and make use of. Going around a mountain rather than through it might look like it’ll take more time and energy, but it beats trying to punch through granite the whole way there. 

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

This is a meta on Our Flag Means Death episode 5: The Best Revenge Is Dressing Well, Sir Godfrey Thornrose, The scene where he calls Ed a donkey, and so called "race science."

It has come to my attention that some of you apparently do not know what a phrenologist is.

*a note: I'm going to for the purposes of this assume that the guy played by Jeff Lorch is sir Godfrey Thornrose, I do not know this for certain but in my opinion even if he is not Thornrose the same principles still apply to him for reasons I will discuss in this meta.

So lets recap the scenes I want to touch on. At the beginning of episode 5 Stede is teaching Ed how to identify rich people cutlery like they're Barney Thompson and Vivian Ward in pretty woman. Stede bitches at Thornrose for not having enough spoons for Stede's liking. Thornrose responds "My apologies, I hadn't imagined we'd be hosting your kind."

Ed responds "My kind, what kind"

to which Godfrey responds "A rich donkey is still a donkey."

Ed then proceeds to scream at him and then orders Fang to skin him with a snail fork before throwing him overboard. To which Fang presumably responds by either skinning him with a normal skinning implement or forgoing the skinning step and just throwing him overboard, because who tf has time to skin a man with a snail fork.

I've seen some dogshit takes on this scene. I've seen it treated as evidence that Ed is exceptionally violent or abusive or has mood swings or anger issues or whatever bullshit. And I... Do Not Agree. You'll see why.

The next scene I want us to have in our back pocket is the first couple scenes with Gabriel and Antionette. When Gabriel and Antionette introduce themselves to Ed and Stede they reveal that Sir Godfrey Thornrose is a quote "Master Phrenologist." Stede is then expected to study Antionette's head. When he does he introduces his fake craft as "Phrenology, which is the study of the human head." He then takes a wild guess as to Antionette's heritage based on her skull lumps.

Content warning for like real old school racism ahead.

The reason Stede goes for the heritage is because Phrenology is a pseudoscience closely linked to other contemporary race science of the time. It was the idea that bumps on your head, thought to be caused by the pressure of the brain, could be used to identify your personality traits.

Phrenology gets really fucking racist, really fucking fast. Phrenology was used as proof that the white race was superior to other races, and as a justification for slavery and eugenics. Eugenics is the idea that you can improve society through breeding out "bad genes", which is almost universally popular among all types of racists, but the Nazis were big fans of it and there's a direct through line between the race scientists in the 1700s who were into phrenology and modern hate groups and neo nazis. I wanted to use an image here as an example of racist phrenology texts, but it's rough and I don't want to make a cut so I'm just going to link to the wordpress anthropology article I found the picture in, it's sourced and an alright place to start if you're into further reading.

With this information, I would like to use another example, that is relevant to the ethnicities in contention. A French physician who attracted huge crowds with his phrenology lectures, François-Joseph-Victor Broussais, once claimed that Maori people (as well as indigenous Australians) could never become civilized since he claimed they had no cerebral organ for producing great artists.

This is the context in which we need to understand the exchange between Ed and the French captain. I've seen some people claim it's about class and not about race, but Thornrose acknowledges Ed's wealth when he says a rich donkey is still a donkey. It doesn't matter to a man like Thornrose what Ed does or how rich he is or how well he can learn his fucking forks, he's still akin to an animal in this skull molesting freak's racist little mind. If a phrenologist, or even someone who's rubbing elbows with a phrenologist, calls a man of color a donkey they're clearly saying he's an uncivilized animal based on the shape of his face. That's how racists operate.

And Sir Godfrey Thornrose is not just any old racist, he's a racist spreading his ideology to other people, convincing them that people like Ed are inferior, that people like him should be subjugated by white people. He is clocking in for his shift at the racism factory creating more racists.

So basically what I'm saying is Ed should skin him, no quarter for genocidal maniacs. Basically I can tell you're either racist sympathetic or talking out of your ass if you think French captain was fucked up. It was antifascist direct action and I don't want to hear another word about it. I personally believe the only thing you can't come back from is death in terms of being a better person. I also believe that there are situations in which killing someone is more or less fine and you're never gonna catch me feeling bad for a fucking phrenologist when he compares an indigenous pirate to an animal and the pirate responds by doing what pirates do.

Killing Godfrey was based.

[sageistri]

Like Crazy is so special because it managed to do something BTS and the other member have been struggling to achieve for quite a while now. And that thing is to release a song that is both successful and of good quality. And as a bonus, since it has a korean and english version, it proved that 1) Korean songs can still be successful and 2) English songs can be good.

I also think Jimin is the only member that has all the attributes of old BTS at the same time. You know, the BTS people used to actually like and not just tolarate because of their previous attachment or just because they like the success BTS still has. That combination of good sounding music that suits fans taste (cause, unfortunately, we know rapline doesn't), with meaningful lyrics written by the artist themselves and grand dance performances. You remember that? You know, the things that made BTS popular in the first place.

And all that really makes Hybe look stupid. If they want to replace BTS, to invest in a soloist, they have the perfect guy already working for them. The only member that can replicate the old BTS that everyone loved, but they decided to pick the guy that replicates the new, post-dynamite BTS.

And I know the english trilogy gave BTS a lot of success, but that can only last so long. BTS is still mostly dependent on their fans to get that success, and while armys are way more lenient then they should be, eventually even they will get tired of the bullshit. Cause army's love and dedication was built from that old BTS, and that applies even to the newer fans, they might have been introduced to BTS through the english trilogy, but they stayed for Love Yourself, for Wings, for HYYH.

Really look at the fandom, they mostly survive off three things: 1) Old content they keeping revisiting. 2) Hope that 2025 will be like that old content again. 3) Chart obsession. And if the first two are gone, eventually there will be no fans around to care about the third.

We have been seeing things get worse and worse since 2020, but 2023 and 2024 have been a new low. The fandom it's not what it was when Dynamite first released. It's not gonna be easy to fix things in 2025.

If BTS returns but don't get their shit together a lot of fans will leave, maybe not immediately, but eventually. The same way that if Jungkook keeps releasing these shitty songs he will never get the attention Hybe wants for him. I think people doesn't realize that yet because not that much time has passed. There were only 2 years between dynamite and the hiatus, which is not really that long, so fans let it slide, especially with the promise of better moments yet to come in 2025. And Jungkook is just starting his solo career, so fans will let the mediocrity slide for now (and they don't take solo work as seriously anyway).

But there's a limit. If it keeps going, and going, and going people's patience and most importantly their dedication will eventually run out. And to BTS, and therefore to Hybe, fans = money. So Hybe should really take a step back and look at what was the thing that made BTS, amongst so many other groups, the success that they are. And once they identify that thing they should ask themselves which member of the group can actually replicate that. But from what we've seen so far, it isn't the one they picked.

Though, maybe is a blessing in disguise, considering what it means to be Hybe's pick. Really, Jimin doesn't have to be their pick (even if they are kinda letting gold get away from them with that), they just need to stop neglecting him, or worse, screwing him up.

Exactly. There will be a breaking point eventually. Armys are biding their time because they' have certain expectations from the group, the most important being their first proper Korean comeback since mots7. Because yes it's been 4 years and they've scaled by on English singles and Korean ballads. No upbeat Korean songs, no good concept photos, no choreography. The reception for run BTS should have been proof enough of what people want from BTS. They had kpop stans who unstanned them floored by the Busan performance.

They want the Korean boy group music with back breaking choreography, and if some of them are claiming to be too old to do all that then they should be moved to the back or cut off completely just like Jin wasn't part of the on dance break. I feel like as a boy band time is their biggest opp and would affect their career soon enough already for some of them to try and speed up the process by claiming to be too old at 30 years old.

And yeah I'm not asking for hybe to give Jimin the seven package because I don't want it, I just want the bare minimum. I want for them to do their jobs, especially when it comes to those little problems we tend to have during releases. They need to stop being neglectful.

[resident-gay-bitch]

Day Two of @steddie-week - bittersweet / fluff and-or angst / fade to black

find the previous day here :)

Eddie never thought he’d end up here. 

After all this time, he never thought Steve would be the one cradling him and checking over his wounds. He’d always had to fight the urge for it to be the other way around, to hold himself back when he’d see Steve get shoved to the ground, or after he showed up to school with bruises on his face, or that night after the mall fire when he was in the back of an ambulance beaten and bloody and crying. 

Eddie had always wanted to comfort Steve, but he’d always stopped himself. Steve had other people. People that mattered more. People that weren’t Freaks (except like Buckley now, but she was a cool freak, so…). People he’d actually like to be helped by. 

But fuck, the universe was never good to Eddie, was it? 

First it gives him the most heart harrowing crush on Steve fucking Harrington and burdens him with it for four long years, and now it makes Eddie bleed out in his tanned, muscular arms. 

What a way to go, huh? 

“Hey man… don’t… don’t close your eyes.” 

Eddie could barely shake his head as he tried his best to smile, “Couldn’t keep ‘em cl- closed if I… wanned too, St-Stevie.” 

“Why’s that?” Steve sobbed, his minds focus set on keeping Eddie talking, not really thinking much about it, as his hands applied pressure where the blood seeped from his pale skin as Nancy tried her best to tie his wounds off. They could both hear Dustin wailing into Robin's shoulder in the near distance. 

“Cause you’re… beautiful.” Eddie managed to croak out, his mouth filling with more blood as he coughed and spluttered and whined when he saw it splashed up onto Steve’s wet cheek. 

Steve was covered in his blood. 

Eddie’s blood. 

Eddie was going to die like this, and the last thing he’s going to see is Steve crying and covered in his blood. 

The universe was so fucking cruel. 

Eddie couldn’t do this anymore. 

“Hey! Hey!” Steve was slapping his cheek and Eddie forced his eyes open. 

He was so tired. 

“I’m…m’wake…” Eddie slurred and huffed and attempted to roll his eyes, “Ms…” he clicked his tongue and hoped Steve would get it. 

Steve did. He let out a tiny little laugh and shook his head down at Eddie. Only then did Eddie realise Steve had a hand under his head, because he felt Steve’s fingers scratch his scalp and it was a very nice feeling. Eddie suddenly knew exactly how dogs felt now. He wanted Steve to do it again. 

“Don’t worry, Eddie.” Steve said, his voice as calming as he could make it in this moment. 

Eddie could tell it was hard for him to do, his tone still strangled, but god he appreciated it. He appreciated everything Steve had done for him and all his little sheepies now. Steve was far better than he’d always thought, and maybe that’s why the universe had pushed Eddie to fall for this pretty disaster. Maybe the universe could see Steve needed someone a little different like Eddie to love him. Someone who never cared about social status, or the prejudice shit thrown his way every day, or anything like that. Maybe Steve just needed someone with a big heart and a lot to give to hold his hand through all the bullshit he’s been through. Maybe the universe was trying to push Eddie towards him from the very start, because maybe that would have changed things. Maybe that would have made things easier for the both of them. 

Either way, Eddie loved Steve now, every little crack and splinter of his hollowing heart- because Steve was good. Steve was soft, and kind, and yeah really bitchy but in a good way. And Steve needed someone to love him. 

And Eddie could have been that person. 

But he guessed he’d never know now. 

“Ms. Clicks not here right now.” Steve forced a smile, “Don’t worry… don’t worry-“ 

“Good.” Eddie gritted out, and he was really struggling now. He could feel Nancy's nimble fingers working double time to keep his blood in, but he could just feel it spilling out in other places, “Hurts.” 

“I know.” Steve said, and it was softer. It hurt more. Eddie didn’t like that tone. He didn’t like it one bit. He didn’t want Steve to hurt anymore. He hated he was the one hurting him right now, “I know, Eddie.” He scrunched his fingers against Eddie’s scalp again and it was heavenly, “It’s okay, you’ll be okay.” 

Eddie smiled and shook his head, “N-nah… man.” 

“Yes.” Steve said, and it was almost forceful. 

Eddie looked at him for a moment, tracked the fresh tears that ran down Steve’s pretty cheeks and carried away the splattered blood. Eddie had about a hundred new songs swimming around in his head right now, ones of love and loss and hero’s. It’s a shame he’d never get to write them. A shame he’d never get to play them for Steve. 

“Ok-ay.” Eddie whispered and attempted to nod his head. 

He gritted his teeth because it hurt. Everything hurt. 

He looked back up at Steve, and he could barely comprehend anything else. Steve was looking at Nancy, they were talking, but Eddie couldn’t understand. He couldn’t focus on their fast paced words and half their conversation was shared with silent looks anyway. Eddie didn’t need to understand to know it wasn’t good. 

He’s already made as much peace with it as he could. 

“I wish you’d notice me.” Eddie spoke softly, because it’s all he could muster at that moment, his eyes boaring right at Steve as if looking at anything else would bring his end along quicker. 

Maybe it might. 

Maybe he’d live a minute or two longer, just for Steve. 

“Huh?” Steve turned his attention dead on Eddie (yeah, I know, not the best use of words right now), “Oh… I notice you.” 

Eddie smiled softly, blinked a few times, “I… I wish you’d… see me.” He swallowed, and he hated the metallic taste that came with it. He wanted this to be over already. All of it, “S-see me… th-the way I…” 

“Take your time.” Steve whispered, his hand that was drenched in Eddie’s blood moving up to cradle his cheek so softly. 

“I… s-s-see y…ou.” Eddie spluttered, and it hurt. Not just everything, but his heart. It felt like it was being split in half right now. 

“I do.” Steve muttered, learning over Eddie more, his bloody hand smoothing over Eddie’s wet cheek and holding him tighter in place, “I do, Eddie.” 

Eddie shook his head, “N-no… I’m- I m-mean, I-“ 

“I know.” Steve sobbed and kissed Eddie right between his eyebrows, “I know… and- and I see you. I see you so clearly. You’re the brightest star in my galaxy.” 

Eddie sobbed and hated - more than he’d hated anything in his life before - the blood that bubbled between his lips and spluttered out onto Steve’s face again. His own pretty lips and cheeks now splattered scarlett red and stained with Eddie’s death. He tried his best to raise a hand and wipe it away. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t move. He was paralysed. 

All he could do was cry. 

“I’ve got you, Eddie.” Steve whispered and pressed their cheeks together, his voice a soft song in Eddie’s ear and he hoped it would play for the rest of his life, “I see you, and I’ve got you.” 

Eddie nodded his head and felt Steve’s fingers scratch against his scalp again. 

Fuck the universe. 

Fucking fuck! 

They could have had everything. 

But soon they’ll  have nothing. 

Eddie would just have to pray that now was enough for Steve, because it was certainly more than Eddie could have ever asked for. 

Eddie mustered the biggest smile he could give, and gave it all to Steve, “Y-you’re s-o… beaut-beauti…ful.” 

“So are you.” Steve muttered, cradelling Eddie close, and he could feel hands on his body and movement all around him, but he didn’t care about any of that, he just begged his eyes to stay open so he could keep them on Steve, “So beautiful, Ed’s.” 

“Mhm.” Eddie swallowed and spluttered again, a groan when someone’s hand hit a tender spot on his stomach, “S-Steve…” 

“Eddie.” Steve whispered back, “Eddie Munson.” 

“F-f…reak.” 

“Mine.” 

Eddie whimpered and felt his heart clench. All the pain in his body suddenly went numb. All he could feel was Steve. 

“Do you like that?” Steve asked, his eyes darting out and around before focusing back on Eddie below him. 

“Mhm.” Eddie mumbled, struggling to get his thoughts together. His eyelids were so heavy, “S…te-eve.” 

“That’s me.” Steve said quietly, “Steve Harrington.” 

“K-ing.” 

There was a moment of hesitation before Steve nodded and said, “King Steve.” 

Eddie tried his best to shake his head and smile, “Was.” He said simply, “N-now… m-mmm-mine.” 

Steve almost laughed at that, and Eddie didn’t exactly understand why. He thought maybe he’d gotten it wrong. Maybe Steve wasn’t his afterall. Maybe he’d gotten his dumb stupid wish and been like one of those many girls he’d send dirty looks to that hung off of Steve’s arm each week. Maybe he was Steve’s, but Steve wasn’t his. 

“Yours.” Steve repeated simply, “For as long as you’ll have me, Eddie.” 

Eddie would have him forever, if he could. 

But now would have to do. 

He closed his eyes. 

“O-k-kay.” 

“Okay.” Steve said back. 

“G’bye… S-ste…vie.” Eddie choked out. He wished he could see whether Steve was smiling right now. He hoped he was. He hoped he’d die with Steve’s pretty smile shining down on him. But he was far too tired to open his eyes again, “S…ee y-you.” 

“Soon.” Steve said, like a promise, “I’ve got you, baby… I see you.” 

Despite being on death's doorstep, Eddie did feel pretty damn good right now. 

**

read Day Three here

\/ a dodgy art piece for this one \/

[oldguardleatherdog]

let me start by saying, I'm okay to agree to disagree on this, and I respect you greatly as my queer elder. I hesitate to even send this because I don't think this cause is worth dogpiling (and not even the fun way) on anyone against and , like , I will continue to follow and admire you as a mutual who has been through a lot of the hell that I'm going through right now and got to a place I want to someday be. (for context, I am currently housing & food insecure and am trying to live in a queer-accepting city)

Posting will never be praxis, you are my brother in arms no matter what you call trump or cops or whatever. There are some fat liberation blogs that take issue with calling cops "pigs" for a lot of the reasons I bristle at calling Trump a fatass, and like, if someone is actively fighting cops who can and will actively hurt me and my found family, I don't care what names they shout while doing it. So I see where you are coming from and I'm glad you fight for me. I fight for us too, in what little ways I can while I keep me and my found family afloat. I do better work in the community just by existing around people as a living breathing transgender than I could do in a million posts on this website.

I do think that this is a valuable conversation to have, though, even though you are completely right that this is a trivial thing and not at all the bigger, more real issue at hand. I think it's still important, on online platforms such as this, to talk about how we refer to the other people on this planet.

Think about why you didn't call Trump a "retard". You certainly could have, it doesn't *not* apply to some of his behavior. I know people of our generations once used that word a lot, and we don't anymore. Why and when did we change that? I honestly don't remember. For me, my aunt was medically classified as "retarded" and she was the best person I'd ever met, so I decided that word shouldn't mean bad things. The first time I ever hit someone was over them using that word in a derogative way. it wasn't about "mental illness positivity" it was about humanizing the people that word has been used against - people who have been stigmatized and oppressed with that word.

Right now, hopefully, the same thing is happening to the word "obese". Fat people are less likely to be hired, granted loans or secure housing. they can be kicked out of airplanes and fired from their jobs because of their body size. There have been laws proposed to take fat children away from their parents and "treatments" proposed to wire children's jaws shut and starve them to make them thinner. They are often medically mistreated and misdiagnosed. I once went to a doctor with an ear infection and instead of antibiotics, he prescribed me *bariatric surgery.* I have been refused transgender top-surgery because of my BMI, which keeps me at a passively higher risk for self-injury and worse.

I do not care about body positivity. Honestly, between being fat, trans, and poor, I'm at a point where I've given up on ever feeling good about my body again. All I care about is getting jobs and meds and keeping a roof over my family's head and food on our table. Normalizing the idea that fat is a bad thing that anyone can change continues that stigma. When you use Fat as an insult, you are saying fat=bad. Fat is a neutral thing that some bodies can be, like short or tall or lean. The revolution needs to be intersectional, and body size is another axis of oppression that needs to be acknowledged, just like sexuality, gender, race, class, disability, etc.

If you've gotten this far, thank you for hearing me out. I'm sorry that others are just performatively parroting the same things over and over. Civility is bullshit, and if you still want to use body shaming as one of the ways you fight against bigotry, it doesn't really matter to me. Just as long as you acknowledge anti-fat bias as part of that bigotry too.

Thank you for writing and sharing your life experiences with me, and for your solidarity as well. You're striving to make your way as part of a despised minority in a world that's turned unspeakably harsh toward you in an aggressively mean way seemingly overnight, and I admire you for the life you have lived, for your courage and perseverance during this difficult time where resources are scant and your housing and food security is uncertain at best.

(FWIW, after I was bombed out of my Lower Manhattan home on September 11th, my income went from six figures down to nothing overnight, and I was homeless and destitute for years. Twenty years ago, I was where you are now, and I can tell you that what you're enduring today will not last forever, that there is light and hope and blessing in your future, that you're not as alone as you might think, that you must never give up.)

What more can I do to make the point that "fat" has nothing to do with this? As I've said, I grew up obese, and it wasn't until I enlisted in the Army at age 17 that I was able to free myself from my violent and abusive family and unlock the potential of the body that had been hidden under layers of fat and shame all my life. I know that my path is not for everybody, that many others are not so fortunate, and I ceased long ago to think that fat equals bad or lack of character or any other pejorative attitude that society has attached to it for generations. I hope I've made that clear and that you take my word as truth.

I am not saying "let's fat-shame Donald Trump to make him feel bad." I am saying that I'm deeply troubled by the LGBTQ+ community prioritizing hurt feelings over the very real damage that's being done to us right now all over the country by Trump, his minions, his proxies, and his cult of bloodthirsty followers and worshippers. Trump's accomplices in Congress and state legislatures and Moms For Liberty are taking over school boards all over the country, banning books and emptying library shelves and harassing teachers and librarians to the point where they're being run out of town, where the State of Missouri has defunded its entire public library system rather than follow a court order to restore books banned just for featuring LGBTQ+ characters.

DeSantis and Abbott have put in place policies that are unspeakably brutal, that are forcing trans people in Florida to slowly and brutally revert to their pre-transition state, that have given health care providers in Florida the right to deny treatment to you and me and all LGBTQ+ people because we are gay, lesbian, non-binary, trans... but God forbid we should call Trump mean names!

We've seen what happens when we buy into the "when they go low, we go high" fantasy pipe dream. This is not the way the world works, it has never been, and we need to put this loser idea in the trash bin where it belongs once and for all.

We're being attacked and harmed in unspeakable ways that are happening now. This is not theoretical or hypothetical. It's happening to us, to those we love, this minute and every minute of every day. And worse is in the pipeline - they're writing laws that will place us under virtual house arrest, that will regulate where we're allowed to go in our own cities and towns, when we're allowed to be seen in public, when and where we can shop, how we're allowed to dress, even what we're allowed to say and SING, for Christ's sake!

And I'm supposed to be concerned about some minuscule hypothetical percentage of my own people being OFFENDED because I'm somehow being insensitive and violating some trivial picayune social justice warrior philosophy, because there's a possibility of some fragile flower taking it personally, and that I should shut my mouth and let the MAGA nutjobs run roughshod over us? Oh, come let Daddy kiss it! while our brothers and sisters are suffering in real time. Sickening.

Anyone who has a problem with my stance doesn't have to follow me or emulate my proven effective tactics as an activist with 37 years of successfully defending our rights under my belt if they're so dainty and delicate and easily bruised. Everyone else that sees this for the strawman bullshit it is, get ready to hit the streets with bullhorns and whistles once again. We've got work to do.

Your arguments are strong and well-reasoned, and I accept and acknowledge everything you're saying. We can disagree on this, certainly, and still work together to turn back the progress that the MAGAs are making, restore our rights, and protect ourselves and each other. But that will require the snowflake contingent among us to get their collective head out of their collective ass, stop whining, and get with the damn program. Calling me names and telling me I'm being a bad gay activist is a waste of time and energy that should be spent fighting the fascists and the haters who are out to kill us.

And to you, my friend and fellow traveler with a radiantly beautiful soul and spirit, I urge you to hang in there, to keep the faith, to keep caring about life, to work with me to secure our own future and the future of our kind. I send to you my very best wishes, energy, and prayers that you will find your way to a place of health, security, stability, and love for yourself and for this precious community to whom we've both dedicated our lives, who mean the world to us.

Yours In Service, Animal J. Smith

[thelonesomequeen]

Do you ladies and or your followers have any advice for how to cope with jealousy and envy? These mixed feelings and emotions are causing my depression to worsen and even spiraling into being suicidal.

Having to see others around you succeed, being happy, and having everything in life especially when it’s just pure luck or just handed to them while you have to work 10x as hard and still nothing good is resulting from it. You try to stay optimistic but in the end life doesn’t seem worth pursuing anymore.

Well I will first start by saying that I’m sorry you’re struggling through a hard time right now. When mental health takes a nose dive, it can be a struggle to built it back up to a healthy place and I don’t wish that kind of situation on anyone. My best recommendation would be to talk to a licensed mental health professional who can help you sort your feelings, learning coping mechanisms, and potentially even prescribe a medication that might also help.

I wish I had solid advice for you personally in the meantime. What I can tell you is to not give up on yourself because you don’t deserve that. I’ve gone through 2 darker periods of my life where I wanted to throw in the towel and the misery felt like it would never end, but life does eventually get better. My last big rut in mental health was about 2 years ago and I decided to get serious about changing things in my life that were within my control if I could and that helped more than you can imagine. The first thing I did was cut toxic people from my life or at least put them at as far of a distance from myself as I could. The friendships that were toxic? I just stopped talking with them. The family members? I can’t really ignore all of those, but muting them on social media so I didn’t have to see their bullshit daily helped a lot. The second place I struggled was with my job. I hated it so much. I was under appreciated, under supported, and severely underpaid. When the opportunity came to apply for another job, I took it and ended up getting the job and that has been such a significant change for me. I actually enjoy going to work (most days 😂) where before with my last job I was hating that I lived through the night because it meant I had to get out of bed and go back to that hell hole.

Also try to keep in mind your own worth and value. You sound like a hard worker, celebrate your achievements and success no matter how small. Remember that you’ve worked hard to get where you are and you got there because you earned it, not because it was simply handed to you. Take pride in the fact that you probably have skills others don’t, and those skills can sometimes be key to survival.

I wish I had more to say to help you feel better, but please accept this virtual hug and comfort I’m sending your way. And again, please reach out to a mental health professional if you feel yourself sinking lower into depression. You’re already on the right track with being able to acknowledge how you feel, and there’s so much strength behind recognizing that and reaching out for help when you need it. We’re cheering for you, anon, and we’re sending you lots of love! 🩷🦎

[cyberdragoninfinity]

hi yeah i have a little more i want to add on to the Duel Links AI Characters thing. This kinda blurs the line between Headcanon and Theory tho

A really weird thing that is either brilliant subtext or me just reading in to things too hard is the progression of the AI Duelists. Not like, the release of duel worlds and stuff, or powercreep, or anything like that. I mean theres two real, defined types of AIs in Duel Links.

If you look at a lot of the DM characters... theyre fairly flat. Like yeah I know thats also true of Téa/Anzu and Mai and stuff in the show, but it applies to pretty much the entire starting roster. The most odd yet obvious example of this is, oddly enough, Yami Yugi. My mans got Nothing. Hardly shows up in events, any place he would its usually Yugi(DM) instead, and he had very few gate interactions.

Now, think about that from a lore perspective. Yami Yugi is the whole fuckin' point of this. This is the AI Kaiba set out and tried to make, wanted to fill the gay ass void in his heart see again, and he's so... bland. Uninteresting. Why?

Turns out, its because of that very reason. He was the First, of course hes gonna be worse than the others. As time went on, Kaiba got better at making the AIs. And at first, it really was him making the AIs. Let me explain.

Again, looking at the earlier characters again, something becomes obvious. These characters are bland because theyre almost... missing something. If you look at everything they say, everything they do, something clicks. Its all stuff Kaiba either heard about secondhand, or was physically present for. He made the best approximation he could, on his own, but theyre just that: approximations. Easy best example is the first ever event character, Yami Bakura. A fascinating character in Duel Links lore, simply because he's the first Self Aware AI. A big question that comes out of this is Why, and the answer I believe is rlly cool: hes not Yami Bakura. Not even close. Like yeah obviously hes an AI clone, but thats not even what I mean. Kaiba knows so little about Bakura that he couldnt even make a complete personality. He just put a kinda mischevious personality in a Bakura Costume, gave it an interest in occult and Tabletop RPG games, and told it to do its best.

But this is Seto Fucking Kaiba. He doesnt settle for that. So, he got to work on a new, better system. A System that lets him use [insert bullshit explanation here, I like "uses the collective memories of players"] to truly copy people down to their very souls. And the first few times, it goes well. It really is an exact replica... and maybe, maybe thats an issue.

Pegasus J. Crawford has been dead for years at that point, but his impact on the game and large presence make it almost obvious in hindsight. If it were anyone but Seto Kaiba, this might have been the cue to say "hey maybe this is a little fucked up and I need more control over who gets added."

However, Seto 'As the owner of a major corporation I have to do that everyday' Kaiba dont roll like that, so he just leaves the Soul Printer on to do whatever the fuck it wants, and... yeah. After that point, every other AI, along with the duel worlds, is a result of the soul printer. Maybe he should have at least limited the scope to this dimension and the egyptian afterlife tho.

Theres also an argument that its not that the soul printer wasnt ready, its that he needed a playerbase to steal the brain power off of to run said soul printer, so he whipped up the first few to get started.

...sorry i forgot just how much brain rot this game caused me and ur earlier posts got me going again ;-;

OOOHOHOHOHOO THIS IS SUPERRR SUPER GOOD STUFF and I definitely think this is picking at what's really under the hood here. Transcend Game was all about Kaiba using people's (many of which being CHILDREN'S) brainwaves to create images and experiences, so it really would not be out of his ballpark to get the system running and just leave it to do its thing while he goes off and obsesses over shit like Why Isn't The Atem AI Right. It's Not Perfect. Why Isn't It Perfect.

and now you've got the AIs themselves producing 'brainwaves' and feeding memories into the system, and that's popping More AIs into the world in turn (i.e. Yuto's and Yuya's memories being the catalyst for Shay showing up, etc.) and they're...uh. starting to get self aware!!!! SO THAT'S FUN. It's like an ouroboros feedback loop of fake memories creating fake memories creating copies of what was once someone's memories.

All cuz SOMEBODY wanted to be king of a virtual reality even though he has more money than god and better things he could be doing 🙄

[terribletoonietuesday]

Cool Cat Saves the Kids (2015)

So I've known of this for ages and deep down I figured the masses of clips online was all I needed but here we go. Glad I watched this at the beginning of my Painathon of Doom so I wasn't grumpy and tired cause as much as I enjoyed this it does suck and it is stupid as fuck. It says theis version is the 'Directors cut". I wonder what had to be cut out before ? Is this the version with Cool Cats full frontal nudity or does he kill a man in this cut? The film is made by a guy called Derek Savage who stars in the movie as Cool Cats dad. Cool cat calls him daddy Derek which sounds like it's alluding to Derek being divorced and Cool Cat was raised by his mom and "other dad". But we eventually meet Cool Cats mom, who is also a giant cat and we find she is married to human Derek. So Derek is his second dad. Cool Cats mom left her mascot costume husband for Derek because Derek owns a construction company and has a lot of money. They flirt alot and Derek looks so longingly at Cat Mom, it's totally a furry thing. The movie starts with Cool Cat in his large Beverly Hills house with his parents. So Derek Savage is a rich guy and yet this is still the bullshit he makes. Basically there is no plot and sure eventually Cool Cat tries to teach a bully how to be nice but mainly it's just a day in the life of Cool Cat filmed like a reality show. In the first five minutes Cool Cat paints and Derek tells him how good he is. Then cool cat wants to record a rap song so Derek records it and it's the most embarrassing thing you've ever seen. I've heard the song before but when you see Derek's reaction faces it's twice as bad. Cool Cat is dubbed in post BUT he still sounds like a guy in a mascot head. There is a second rap further in the movie but with no explanation Cool Cat has a different voice for that one (obviously they heard how awful the first one was). In less than 5 minutes Cool cat has basically preached to us about politeness and positivity and then for no reason we get a whole lesson on recycling. This "film" is about a dozen PSA shorts edited in one. We are still only 6 minutes in Derek takes Cool cat on a motorcycle ride but neither wears a helmet. So I see how it is Cool Cat your American Christian values only apply to what you found important and no real basis of rules or reasoning. I knew Derek Savage was a questionably odd and problematic person but he makes you forget the whole bully sub plot as he just shows himself off. Showing off his real house, his Van Halen signed guitar , there is a super creepy scene where we watch him practice martial arts with Kana blades on a tree in his backyard for no reason at all. My favorite scene is where Derek takes Cool Cat to a slum house that he is remodeling. The way he pushes Cool Cat into the house (because obviously he can't see where he is going) . Derek places Cool Cat against a wall that he needs to knock down and then goes to get a sledge hammer while talking oddly slowly. I thought oh this is it this is when Derek kills Cool Cat with a hammer and leaves him to die in this abandoned house. Sadly he just shows him how to knock a wall. Derek then gets an axe and we legit learn he is nuts. But sadly Cool Cat survives. Oh yeah Erik Estrada , Vivika A Fix and Cynthia Rothrock show up and it is super awkward. However if you see all the Asylum productions and similar films they have all done in recent years you know Cool Cat was not the worst thing they've done. I have not even talked about the cliche bully kid who obviously gets bullied way more than anyone else in this film. But I got so much more in this Painathon today so I guess you just got to watch it yourself. Oh shit I've been writing so much on this garbage. I feel weak after the dark twist ending and I'm only one film in but I'm already dizzy. I have legit lots brain cells and dropped huge levels of IQ. This is not a good sign. Not cool.

[sburbian-sage]

I'm a Seer of Stage and I'm trying to maximize my predictive capabilities. Having a bit of trouble though.

At the start of the session, I looked for info on what the best predictive equipment is. You know, tarot cards, magic 8 balls, futomani kits, and so on.

Stage likes constants, stability, and rules. But, most divination methods rely on randomness. I can't be drawing cards from a randomized deck and expect that to play well with Stage. Like, yes, Stage CAN put up with a little randomness, so long as it adheres to rules and patterns, but it's *better* if I find a method that's low-randomness to begin with.

Enter: numerology. It's perfect. I love it, Stage I think loves it as well, match made in heaven. Numbers have specific meanings, and you can learn shit by analyzing them. Great premise, 10/10!

So I alchemized a numerology handbook. And I've had some success with it. But it was a little clunky to use, so I started working on upgrading it.

Some stuff was simple enough. I've &&'d it with a computer and some other stuff, and now I don't need to manually flip through the pages anymore because I can just say a number and it'll bring it up, I can easily cross-reference numbers with other numbers because it just pulls up relevant ones automatically, etc.

But upgrading it for ease of use is one thing. I'm not sure how to upgrade it in ways that actually make it more *accurate* or *powerful*, without it doing things like, you know, CHANGING WHAT IT SAYS THE NUMBERS DO. Which is basically the polar opposite of what Stage wants.

Of course all this shit is arbitrary, numerology isn't real, it's my Stage powers making it work. But Stage doesn't care if it's bullshit, so long as it's *consistent* bullshit. But every time I try and mix in a magic wand or other divination tool or whatever, it just changes the entire nature of the thing, and makes very little attempt at keeping the book's contents consistent. It doesn't just re-write each number's entry to be more specific or whatever, it'll make it say totally different stuff.

I'm wondering if I should just... apply a bit of my aspect to the alchemizations? I know fucking with the alchimiter is usually a BAD idea, but is it really so dangerous to force something like raw consistency and stability into it?

...Well, I checked with my numerology book, and according to various relevant numbers (number of lines in the symbol on the alchimiter, total alchemization performed so far, etc.) it says yes, it would be dangerous.

So... any other ideas? Cuz I'm fresh out.

Mixing Aspects and Alchemy isn't inherently bad. We say that an item produced through Alchemy that was infused with an Aspect has an "Aspect Charge" (as in Aspect Charge is the unit of measurement), and indeed it's quite useful at all stages of the game. You only need to worry about the following when it comes to Aspect Charges in Alchemy.

The item will of course take on characteristics associated with the Aspect, so don't make a Doom-Charged Medkit or something stupid.

Mind Charges provide infinite energy for an item, with the downside that it might "surge" and fry your computer. Or cause it to explode, depending on the size and whether or not it is in fact a computer, because computers tend to do that in this game. I've always had good luck when it comes to this though.

Blood Charges create a living item. It's usually best for the Blood player to handle that kind of thing, especially if you're the type to get philosophical about it.

Void Charges just erase the item, and all the Grist that went into it.

Never eat Aspect-Charged food. You WILL die, the question is in what way, how painfully, and how long it takes. This is true of Life and Blood too. You shouldn't even be eating Alchemized food in the first place because it all tastes like shit and basically provides no nutrition, either use the Crystalanths, start a garden, or get your hands on a Cookalizer and Alimentator like a civilized person.

And this isn't about Charges but don't ever use Blood to make your Alchemiter, or any Alchemy-related items come to life. What happens next is The Sorcerer's Apprentice meets Videodrome. You're also likely to get a Saccharine Doppleganger situation, in which case add Carebears and Invasion of the Body Snatchers to the list.

If your numerology says not to modify your Alchemiter, or Stage-Charge it, then by all means, don't. But also... Do you have to upgrade your book? You need to alchemize stuff like weapons or armor for the stat boosts, but I don't think there's any meaningful "stat boosts" differentiating an early-game grapple launcher from a late-game one, if you know what I mean. If the numbers mean what they mean, then it seems like "the computer tells me what the numbers mean" is the height of efficiency and you necessarily can't improve from there.

There are three possibilities. Option #1 is accepting that you've peaked in this regard. Option #2 is seeing if those "upgrades" do provide any unique benefits, and if so, if it's possible to create an upgrade that beats out any inconsistency penalties. Option #3, it seems like anytime you alchemized something "magical", it randomized the numbers, but a computer kept it consistent. So maybe focus more on the tech-side of things, becoming a technomancer divination wizard, or turning your Numerology Book-puter into a supercomputer. If the superbookputer grows too big to carry around, you could turn a room in your spire into a Seer's Den. In addition to looking very cool, that's heavily resonant with your Class and will provide a bountiful RP boost.

[insidekaz]

And Thus, Everything Is Tumbling Down

(I know that's a weird way to start another one of my strange post. It'll be explained later. Prepare for a pretty lengthy blog today.)

Hello people of the internet. It's me, Kaz, your local enby who messed up so hard that they put themselves on the couch, only for my partner to come and get me and bring me to bed. Before you say anything, I know that that's also a strange way to start off a post that basically going to turn into a public self-shaming post, but try to trust me when I say that all of this will be explained in the next few minutes (well, hours for me. I don't exactly plan on sitting down and typing all of this out in one sitting.)

I'll start off by saying that I've been stressed lately. No job, places saying that they're hiring but not calling me back, the cost of living being diabolically bonkers, all of that. Doesn't help that while I'm at home applying for jobs and doing side hustles, my partner is pulling extra hours at its job to make sure that we don't drown in this capitalistic economy.

That's not the reason why I feel like everything's falling faster than a tower of Jenga blocks. The reason is because of one major flaw with my personal psychological programming and how I go about trying (and failing) to fix it. Man, this post sure is colorful today. Anyway, I have this...thing in my head that annoys me if there's information that's made apparent that I don't know or the possibility of an event that can happen. For example, if someone were to tell me "Hey, I'm planning a surprise for you.", it'll start to bother me to no end until I gather all the information needed figure out what that surprise could be, thus spoiling the surprise for myself in the process. Or, and this is the more relevant example, if there's something that I'm made aware could result in something bad happen, I, for some fucking reason, act upon my impulses and try to get that bad thing to happen. Usually, I'm stopped before said bad thing could happen and that usually calms me down for the time being.

Yes, it's just as infuriating as you're thinking it is, both of me and everyone around me. Yes, I have tried to control this impulses in the past. And yes, I have continuously failed to keep these impulses under control.

This time, this was different. I'm not going to go into exact detail of what happened, but I will alluded to the idea that I almost invoked a pretty bad situation that almost ended in property damage. Of course, as always, the chaos was halted. Yet, that doesn't make the situation magically better. I know, shocker. Above all of that, it was my significant other that had to calm everything down. I'm not gonna lie or try to justifying what most people would think and say "Oh, it was the autism making me do those things." That would be disrespectful to other people with autism and just blatant dishonesty. I will admit and say that those were conscious actions that I made of my own accord, me allowing and enabling the impulsive thoughts to (somewhat) win. This was a situation that didn't need to happen between the two of us, and now things are more than rocky.

Oh, and then get this! Yesterday afternoon, after being on no-talking terms for about a full day (Thursday night to Friday evening), we actually get to talk about what happen. Well, it was less both of us talking and it was more my partner talking and pointing out my bullshit and me just, well, taking it. I mean, I couldn't really refute anything that was being said to me. This wasn't the first time that I allowed my impulse to get the better of me, nor could I really apologize again cause, while it would be meaningful, I couldn't guarantee that this wouldn't happen again. I'm a person of chaos, advocate for the viewership of each and every possible outcome that can happen on a quantum scale, leaning more towards the good ones, yet the bad ones always pique my curiosity. So, with no other options in which I believed I could contribute to the conversation, you wanna take a shot in the dark as to what my next actions were?

I ran away. I'm not even kidding. Imagine the most brisk walk from a living room to an office on the other side of the apartment that you can, all while keeping my head down to avoid any further eye contact. ...Yeah. I did that. Willingly if I may add.

I know, 10/10. Amazing strategy there Kaz. Encore, please. But seriously, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking at the time and I still don't know now. My usual avoidance of conflict has basically turned into a fear of conflict at this point in my life. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Nothing's gonna get better by me hiding in my office. Even when I was done for the night and put myself on the couch, my partner realized I wasn't in bed and came to get me. I could've talked about it then. Hell, I could've said something, anything. Yet, I didn't. I just rolled over and went to bed, allowing the silence to go on ever longer. Again, what does that say about us? What does that say about me? Usually at this point in the relationship, one would be asking themselves whether they're becoming a burden to their partner, but is that a question I can even ask myself? Have I ever not been a burden to them? Am I becoming a burden to both of my partners? Like I said, I could've said the smallest thing, even a "good night", but I didn't. I just...laid there and fell asleep, probably making them think that I had just forgotten about everything or just didn't care.

I'm unpredictable. I'm loud when it comes to my chaotic ideas, Yet, I'm silent when it comes to apologizing. I'm confident when it comes to my aspirations, But timid when it comes to admitting I'm wrong. I'm constantly writing, constantly thinking, constantly typing out my ideas, words in which I'll write a million of to get my imaginations across, Yet I can't find the words when they matter most. ...the fuck's wrong with you Kameron?

I've got all these big ideas, these dreams, these ambitions of what I want my life to be, where I want to be, who I want to be with. I've written miles and miles of short stories, beginnings of novels, documents within documents of world-building. I'm able to do all this, but I can never seem to find the words when they're needed to be said.

How does one say that they're sorry when they've shown otherwise?

How do I get over these feelings about myself?

[lexpressobean]

I think Shino is cool, but I don't think I can deny that he is exactly the type of person who'd be especially humbled when he finally got a job in customer service in Modern Settings.

Not because he acts like a complete jerk. He's not gonna yell at a cashier who made an honest mistake or waitstaff that were a bit too slow (gags aside of course but Id just have walked out tbh). But he will probably be very annoyed and do some disgruntled rambling unecessarily, simply because the employees aren't performing (what he perceives in his mind is) their job at 100%.

I wanna say it's because he's canonly from a Noble Clan, and he's had to learn special skills from a young age, and a lot was expected of him, and he was also probably spoon fed a certain mentality and view on things, being from said family. That pretty much translates to Modern AU as Shino becoming disciplined and conditioned to act and speak in the ways his family expects him to act and speak and stuff like that. Like yes, making friends (hopefully?) would help tone that down some but you can't help but retain some conditioning, unfortunately haha.

And one of those things he does keep is an idea along the lines that most customer service jobs are actually very simple and most anyone can do them. Which is why he wonders why some people seem to fuck up so bad every once in a while whenever he decides to order food or is shopping for something or other, maybe even on the phone.

So maybe in a Modern Setting type AU he'd be reluctant to apply to any customer service job, especially at a fast food chain or a smaller convenient store, but he would if he really needed the money. It's not that it's "hard", it's just that he's Shino Aburame, but this will just "have to do for now".

But after a week or maybe just a few days, Shino would regret any tone he took with any person who's ever worked a job like that and more. Maybe he wasn't the worst customer ever, but he makes it a point to not be a bad customer from then on because wow this really fucking sucks some days, doesn't it??? And in retrospect, he is just disgusted by the way some of his family members have acted, especially his grandparents but that's being old and bitter for ya. The super cool thing is that he will now call them and the rest of his family on their bullshit when they act terrible. He's never caused a scene as a customer himself, but can and will absolutely cause a total scene in defense of staff to shame and embarrass the crap out of his unbearable family members when they act like assholes. Shibi, while he doesn't act like an asshole, was always more complacent and quiet. But the second someone talks ill of Shino, he gets fiercely protective of his son. Shino's had the experience, he knows what he's talking about, no one better even think of disrespecting his son.

So to me, Shino is a snooty little goodie two shoes rich kid who genuinely repents for his snootiness when he gets older and realizes he grew up with a certain amount of privilege but also gets angrier and angrier that he was raised to be so snooty in the first place and has the spite and the attitude to start shit with the family members that stay snooty because come the fuck on!!!

[adultswim2021]

Moral Orel #29: “Nature” | July 9, 2007 - 12:15AM | S02E19

This is an incredible episode. The first of a two-parter that caps off season two in a similar fashion to season one (if you watched it in production order and not airdate order, that is [this will always be a thing, sorry]). A Moral Orel episode where the facade of Moralton begins to crack and we’re let in on how real this world actually is. This one starts off slightly atypically: in Clay’s study, post-Orel-being-punished for some vague offense. The tone is pretty typical Moral Orel, bleakly-tinged darkly-comic dialogue and one-liners, a conventional story beginning to unfold that will soon have some wicked twist applied to it, strong visual storytelling and amusing background details, etc. All the shit you expect from Moral Orel.  

The plot is that Clay simply wants to take Orel hunting, as it’s about that time in a child’s/TV-show’s life when a father does that with his son. Personally, I’ve never hunted. But I came of age at a time and place when and where it was still fairly common shared experience among boys Orel’s age when I was also Orel’s age. Orel doesn’t have it in him to hunt down one of God’s creatures, despite Clay’s insistence that they are merely helping the animals take “nature’s shortcut”; God’s preference to man gave them the wisdom to flee from Nature, putting the animals in a pitiable position of remaining “ungodly”. So, taking them out as a part of a hunting expedition is akin to putting these damned souls out of their misery. It’s tortured logic, but that’s Christianity for you. (Penn & Teller Bullshit theme begins playing). 

Clay gets drunker and drunker and more and more cruel towards Orel. Not only does he shoot a deer in front of Orel against Orel’s wishes, he also kills a random person’s hunting dog, which is terrible. Clay cruelly denies Orel dinner, because he didn’t kill anything himself. Orel eventually calls Clay out on his drunkenness, which causes him to sort of go manic, just dumping nihilism on his son. The show is now a harrowing psycho-drama. Orel is clutching a pistol, which happens to be pointed at his dad. Orel fires. TO BE CONTINUED…

This one is pretty brutal, in the same vein of “Best Christmas Ever”. When Orel hesitantly tells his father that he’s too drunk, and that they need to go home, it breaks your heart. You’re witnessing this kid grow up in real time. Orel is supposed to be an innocent kid. Furthermore, he’s supposed to be a smart-allecky parody of Davey from Davey and Goliath. How could the writers let this happen? 

One really important thing to mention about this episode: In addition to being a “bummer” episode, it’s also exceptionally funny. The jokes in the show are especially strong, and land exquisitely. Maybe I only think this because I was bracing myself for the darker aspects of this episode as a Clay-aged person whose since become less in-denial about how much of an asshole my own father is. I didn’t like, get emotional or anything, but I was just sorta like “DAMN, YES. HOLY SHIT IT DO BE LIKE THAT”. Mine has never been as bad as Clay, but I’ve witnessed a drunken downward spiral from him more than I care to have. 

The events of this episode (as well as the next) will set the stage for season three, which is thirteen episodes (cut down from twenty) of shows that either take place right before or right after the hunting trip, as well as flashback episodes that are spurred by individual moments within this episode. It’s an ambitious and often emotional journey. There are no less than four episodes of season three that have been known to make me sob. This makes me wonder if I remembered all these moments in this episode that tie into other episodes (Orel’s vague references to whatever deed got him punished in the beginning comes to mind). Complex, non-linear chronology and side-stories are explored. Mountain Goats songs are licensed. I’m not reading ahead so I won’t go too deep into what connects with what in this post. But like Jesus and me, it’s coming (I always immediately bust when I finish a write-up).

To Be Continued (this is me edging).

[thebasedsaint7]

My experience, strength, & hope

Growing up was fairly normal for me, I don’t have that tragic childhood that ignited my addiction at an early age or anything like that. I honestly think I was born this way, but the drugs didn’t come into play until my late teens. It started with food, and then boys, and so on and so forth.  

My family had its share of troubles, but we also had a ton of fun together. I grew up camping & going on little vacations during the summer. I had friends over all the time & had sleep overs at their houses. I was voted class clown for our senior personalities. I can say I have many memories that I cherish, and some that haunt me. It’s a good mix of both. But I think that pretty much applies to everyone.  

As a kid, I did have my fair share of stressors. I was bullied consistently from the time I started kindergarten until high school. I was also molested as a child by a neighbor kid who was older than my brother & I. The bullying started to slow down when I lost a bunch of weight by my junior year, I had become addicted to working out. I joined the track & cross country team even though I was slower than a turtle. I just liked the way running made me feel afterward.  

The first drug I ever came to enjoy was valium. There was a lot of fighting & things going on at home during high school, and there was one night things got physical. After that I started having a lot of trouble sleeping and having more anxiety than usual. So around 15 years old I was introduced to valium by a family member. At 16 I smoked weed for the first time but wasn’t getting high regularly until I was about 17. By 17 I was stealing the valium from said family member & getting drunk every weekend with a group of guy friends, and I would usually bring a girl friend along with me.  

I started blacking out and getting ridiculously drunk every time I drank, so they slowly stopped hanging out with me because I couldn’t handle my alcohol. The summer after senior year my parents separated for about 6 months, and I didn’t hang out with many people that summer. I just worked. Our school lost one of our classmates to a car accident my senior year, and this caused a good friend of mine to distance herself from me for awhile, as she couldn’t help me with my problems and deal with her grief at the same time.  

That fall she messaged me and wanted to start hanging out again. We’re going to call her A. We started hanging out all the time, at least 2-3 times a week. She reintroduced me to benzos, and I fell in love with xanax. I started seeking it from doctors, and managed to get a small script for .25’s from my family doctor. After he left his practice, I was referred to a psychiatrist. There I managed to get a prescription for .5mg klonopin, 2x daily. Needless to say they were abused, and I continued to look for more pills on the street. Other drugs started coming into the picture along with more alcohol. LSD, mdma, eventually painkillers, cocaine, and eventually meth later down the road.  

At one point, A and I were hanging out almost every day. We developed a codependent friendship.  We needed each other to boost each others’ egos, to trade and get drugs from, and to cosign each others’ bullshit. Whatever connection we had at one point was replaced by our love for drugs & partying.  

21-22 began the height of my addiction. I was drinking almost every night, and committing unspeakable acts while under the influence. Every one of my friends started to notice and slowly slip away, and they continued to get replaced by even worse friends. I was slipping into a dark place and to be honest, I enjoyed it at the time. It’s like I wanted to see how far I could go, how far I could push it until the inevitable happened. Death. I used to always say I would die by the time I was 27, my future looked bleak.  

Around the age of 22 I met somebody that we’ll refer to as C. We hit it off as friends and he quickly became my dealer. After a couple months, I felt like I kind of loved the guy, and he knew it. He started saying how he wanted to get clean, and went cold turkey off of xanax. He never actually totally quit. But, it inspired me to wanna get clean too. I believe he knew this as well, and that it was his goal. He knew how bad I was getting. So I started weaning myself off of klonopin, and stopped buying xanax on the street. I didn’t realize you were supposed to taper off slowly, that it can take over a year and some replacement medication to safely get off of benzos. I didn’t tell my doctor what I was doing because I wanted to still get the prescription so I could sell it. And then the horror began..  

After maybe two months of weaning myself off a 5(?) year bender, I went into withdrawal. I didn’t sleep for almost two weeks, and my body started shutting down. I had hallucinations, irritability, restlessness, depressive episodes, decreased appetite, you name it. The one day it was so bad & my mom didn’t know what to do, so she called for an ambulance. Not only was an ambulance sent, but a couple of police came too. One of them I knew from highschool. Something about seeing a familiar face and his calm demeanor talked some sense into me and I agreed to go to the hospital. I can forever thank him for coming that day, although it’s a bit embarassing. But I'm sure that wasn’t the only time he’s seen something like that.  I just never saw that scenario coming.  

That was my first detox. I relapsed time after time again. I wanted to get clean but I was always doing it for the wrong reasons. I wanted a different job, I wanted this guy to like me, basically any reason except for actually doing it for myself. It wasn’t until 2022 that I realized I was very lucky to have made it past 27, and I was going on 30. I knew if I carried my old habits into my 30s I was going to seriously hate myself for it. So in april of 2022 I made the decision to put the dope down once again.  

This only lasted maybe a little over a month. My jeep broke down, and I got insanely bored being at home with nothing to do. So I started smoking weed again. That was the only thing I did for awhile, and then the boredom continued. At the end of 2021 and beginning of 2022 I had been on a cocaine binge, and I was starting to miss it. So I ended up reconnecting with my old friend J. I asked her if she had any one night in august, and she said no but she had something a little stronger. All I could think was, oh boy. Here we go..

I tried meth one time when I was about 26, didn’t really care for it. But something about it the second time around really did something for me. It reminded me of adderall x20. Needless to say I couldn’t sleep that night, and I had stuff to do the next day. So I came back to her house the next morning to get some more. Eventually I found myself needing some kind of speed all the time. If I didn’t have meth, I had adderall. If I didn’t have adderall or meth, I had cocaine. Then I needed something to kind of level me out, so you’ll never guess what I got into next. Yep, you guessed it, xanax. It was a horrible combination and sent my mental health down the gutter. What happened next sent it even further down the drain.  

One night my friend B invited me over to drink with her and her new boyfriend and his brother. Everything was cool at first, and then when me & JJ (the brother) were alone outside for a minute, he decides to go in for a kiss. Worst kisser in the world first of all. And second of all I told him I was talking to somebody at the time and didn’t wanna go any further. He did not care. Especially after I made the mistake of selling him a xanax bar.  

I knew I was too drunk to leave, and if I stayed he was gonna wanna sleep with me. I felt backed into a corner. So he talked me into staying, and said we didn’t have to do anything. But, naturally, when we went back to his room, he ripped my clothes off and I kept telling him no and that I wanted to stop. At one point when he was on top of me I tried to push him off by his shoulders and he locked himself in place. I felt disgusting. I impatiently waited for it to be light enough outside & for me to be sober enough to drive home, and when I did I realized my clothes had been soaked by his beer. So I wore his clothes that didn’t even fit me home, and immediately hopped in the shower to wash off last nights filth, completely forgetting that rape kits existed. I wasn’t going to say anything about it at first but then I decided you know what, fuck it. But none of my friends cared or believed me. I tried to file a police report but not much came of it seeing as though I couldn’t go get a rape kit done.  

So JJ’s now mad at me for opening my mouth about that, and then J decides she’s gonna try to rip me off on this pair of boots that she got for free. They were worth 25$ and she was trying to charge me 40 at first and then 50. I was already upset and not in a good state of mind from the drugs so I got pissed at her. I put a bunch of random chemicals in the boots and threw them in her ex’s driveway where she was moving out of at the time while it was raining.  

Then come to find out B was talking shit about me at the party we had at K’s house the weekend before. She was telling everybody that I was doing meth, none of anyones business. I started losing it at this point. I lost my job, I was raped, there was drama, I got sick right before we were leaving for florida for the week of thanksgiving. I had been talking about the trip for weeks, so my friends knew when we were going to be gone.  

So the day after thanksgiving, we get a phone call from my sister saying our house had been ransacked. A ton of my parents’ property was missing and my jeep was gone from the garage. This was when I officially hit rock bottom. I knew something needed to change, and my mom suggested I look into rehab.

A few days later we got a call saying my jeep was found behind walmart, but the catalytic converter was missing. So considering we couldn’t afford to get it fixed and make the payments while I was in rehab, we had to let it get repoed. The cherry on top of it all.  

My parents didn’t have cameras or a security system at the time (you can bet they do now), so it was basically our word against theirs. However, there was an empty bottle of budweiser left in my jeep on the driver side door that wasn’t mine. They sent it to the lab for dna, and it came back with J’s dna on it. I could have told you she was involved. They’re still working on gathering enough evidence to indict her on the charge though. Since then she’s caught another burglary and breaking and entering charge, on top of multiple felonies and misdemeanors, and I honestly hope the judge throws the book at her.  A bunch of petty drama does not justify breaking into my childhood home and robbing my parents and I blind. But in hindsight, this was the beginning of my journey for me. The start of an awakening.  

I prayed for years for God to take my addiction from me, but I never really put in the effort. I was ready to make the change this time. So I found a rehab about an hour away from home, and stayed for 2 ½ months. After I was discharged I lived with my sponsor for a few days, and then got a call that there was a room available at a sober living facility nearby, still about an hour away from home. I was ecstatic. I have been getting all the help I need, from counseling and group therapy to figuring out a job and budget, and getting help with getting some things on my record expunged/reduced. I couldn’t be more thankful for the staff at the rehab I stayed at and where I am now, and for all the friends I've made along the way.  

I’ve changed and grown so much in such a short period of time, it’s amazing. All I had to do was take those steps, and then the blessings just kept falling in my lap. I am so grateful for everyday that I wake up and for each new opportunity that arises, so grateful my parents have been so supportive along with most of my extended family. There are those that have lost faith in me and honestly it does hurt, but I don’t respond to the hurt the way I used to. I didn’t realize how much the drugs had stunted my emotional maturity. Looking at the difference of who I was 4 months ago to now is enough to keep me going, because it’s only going to keep getting better.  

God is replacing all the things that the enemy stole from me. It brings me to tears.  

There was one morning, about a year or so ago when I was praying to get better & not knowing where I stood with God because of my addiction, when I was waking up, still half asleep, and I heard a soft voice coming from within me. I heard something in my conscience say, “you are mine, your name is Testimony. You are MINE, your name is Testimony. YOU ARE MINE, your name is TESTIMONY.” I woke up and stared blankly out at the sun beaming in through my window. Perplexed. Exactly 7 days later, my uncle who baptized me when I was 9 sent me a bracelet with a Bible verse on it from the book of Isaiah, saying “i have called you by name, you are mine.” and that’s when I knew that what I heard that morning wasn’t just me, I wasn’t crazy.  

It’s all coming to fruition, His promises and words spoken to me. It’s unbelievable. And all I had to do was start doing the next right thing. I had the key to my cure this entire time, I just had to unlock the door.