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A Warrior’s heart (Marcel Galliard x Reader) » Part X

Word count: 6 430

Disclaimer: english is not my first language, I apologize in advance for any mistakes

Info: canon AU where Marcel didn’t die; also the reader is an Eldian Warrior from Marley but not a Titan Shifter

PART I / PART II / PART III / PART IV / PART V / PART VI / PART VII / PART VIII / PART IX

A Warrior’s heart (Part X)

You stayed up until morning. There was no way of going to sleep after what your mother told you. Even closing your eyes just for a short while seemed like something impossible. Because every time you tried, all you could see and think about, were the two men. One of them is your father.

And you simply weren’t able to tell, which option would be better. Or the least painful one, to put it better.

In the end... who hurt you less? The man who left even before you were old enough to remember him? Or the man, that was by your side all those years, but let you risk your life and never said a single thing?

Which one of them was the biggest coward?

„It only feels like yesterday that we’ve been here for the first time,“ your sister said, throwing her arms around your neck again. It was slowly impossible to count how many times she did it since you arrived at the port. „I just hope you’ll come back much sooner this time.“

„Yeah... me too.“

The only person you were able to pay attention to, was Commander Magath. The man you knew for so many years. You spent long minutes trying to study his features, just to find a tiny little thing that would tie him to you and Anya. But the more you tried, the harder it got. Suddenly it seemed as if he was the last possible human, who could be your biological father.

And still...

Something inside of you was trying to convince you, that it is him. Suddenly it seemed, that even your mother wished, that it was him. You caught her looking over at him a few times, always quickly looking away, before he noticed.

„I know you hate to hear it, but... I’m really grateful for everything.“

„Let’s not talk about it, okay? If I had to do it all over again just for you to stay alive, I would. Without hesitation, because I love you.“

With those words, you kissed her cheek and slowly pulled away. Not that you didn’t want to hug her. Quite the opposite. But you were never good with goodbyes, they were always too painful. Even more, when your mom almost immediately pulled you into a hug as well.

The Galliards were saying their goodbyes just a few steps away, Marcel’s mom was hugging her older son as if she refused to let him go anywhere. You’ve already talked to Porco and his parents for a short while. The other Warriors weren’t there, because you and Marcel asked them not to come. It was better that way.

„You can do it, I believe in you, honey,“ she said, sweetly kissing your forehead and tucking a few strands of hair behind your ear. „Marcel will keep you safe.“

„I’d rather he stayed here.“

When you looked over at him, all kinds of emotions started rising in your chest. You couldn’t imagine going back with anyone else. Not even Reiner, who was with you for the last five years. You trusted him, but in critical situations, it was always Marcel, you looked for. You needed his guidance and ability to make quick decisions even in the worst-case scenarios.

But his safety was more important than any of that.

„I should...“ you started, looking over at Commander Magath again. Your mother’s eyes wandered in his direction too. „I should talk to him. Maybe I won’t get another chance.“ You kept your voice low, so Anya didn’t hear anything.

„Don’t say such things, everything will be fine. You’ll come back.“

„Yeah.“

Will you?

Really?

In some moments, you weren’t even a little bit sure. Not when everything still seemed suspicious. Why would Marley set up this mission so fast and send only the two of you, if getting Annie back was so important? Marcel’s Titan was the smallest, and even though he was fast and could do a lot of damage with his teeth, it would not stand a chance in a fight with the Survey corps. Now when you saw what happened to Reiner, when he and Bert tried to kidnap Eren for the first time.

You stayed with your family for a little while, before withdrawing for the final time. Your chest was hurting with tons of emotions, but you were able to hold your tears. For their sake. If you never came back, it would be better for them to remember you this way. Brave and daring, without showing fear.

„Commander?“ you addressed Magath carefully with hands curled into fists. You could almost feel your heart beating out of your chest. „Do you have a minute? We need to talk about something important.“

„Of course.“

„Thank you.“ You stood beside him, turning your back to your family and rather facing the ocean. It was still pretty early in the morning, the surface was beautifully glittering in the first rays of sunlight. In moments like these, you truly loved your hometown. „I don’t know how to start. It’s not an easy thing to talk about. And I’m sure it won’t be easy for you to listen and answer me.“

His quiet laugh surprised you. „I think I already know.“

„My mother talked to you a few days back,“ you reacted calmly. His response surprised you, but you didn’t want to show it. „And we had a pretty serious conversation yesterday evening.“

„About me?“ You nodded, trying to stay calm and talk quietly at the same time. This wasn’t a conversation for other curious ears. „So she finally told you?“

„About the possibility of you being my father?“ He wasn’t even startled when you said the last word. It almost seemed like he was waiting all this time to have this conversation with you. All those years, which he spent solely in the role of your superior. „You’re not even a little bit surprised?“

„Why would I be surprised?“

You shook your head, smiling a little for yourself. „Because I was. There wasn’t a moment in my entire life when I thought about you being something more than just my superior.“ Why would you think something like that? Your father was always a faceless man you never got to know. And never possibly the chief of the Warrior Unit you were a part of. „And I still can’t quite believe it.“

„For almost eighteen years I’ve lived with the possibility of having two beautiful daughters, who I’ll never have the chance to properly get to know. Keeping all of you safe has always been my top priority. That’s why I left your mother. Staying with her wouldn’t end well, even for someone with my position in the military.“

You tilted your head back for a while, looking up at the clear blue sky. How peaceful would it be to just fly away? To a place, where nothing like this existed. Where nobody would lie to you and play stupid games with your emotions.

„I’ve always kept an eye on you. Hell, I even tried to get you kicked out of the warrior program, just to keep you safe. But when I learned why you applied in the first place...“ He shrugged, putting his hands into the pockets of his white coat. „You were close to getting one of the Titans. Really close, but I interfered and made your results seem worse.“

„So...“ you laughed again, feeling tears in your eyes. „So you did all of this, but never managed to tell me anything. How could you? Why? I would never tell anyone, not when the life of my family was at stake.“

„It was better this way,“ he said almost too reassuringly, lighting a cigarette. When he offered you one, you refused. „I helped you get your status of an honorary Marleyan even without inheriting a Titan, so your sister could get the medical help she desperately needed. That was the most I was able to do for you and your family. Without getting all three of you killed.“

The docks were full of military personnel, which seemed kind of weird in itself. It wasn’t this busy the last time you were leaving, even though everything else was much more spectacular and special. The whole internment zone cheered on you back then. The day five Warriors left for Paradis to bring it down once and for all, was special for everyone in some way.

„You feared about our safety and all... okay, I get it. But why are you being so open about it now?“ you asked, looking over your shoulder. Your mother and Anya were talking to the Galliards. They all seemed lost in a conversation, Marcel was not a part of. His eyes were on you, carefully watching you and the Commander. „You’re not counting on me getting back home, right?“

Those words held so much pain. You could feel your heart break when he didn’t respond at all. That was the catch of this mission? Marley just wanted to get rid of you? For failing your first mission? Even after they didn’t declare you guilty at the Military court?

„I trained you the best I could, but whatever happens, happens. I have no control over that, only you and Galliard do.“ He too looked over at Marcel. „I’ll take care of your mother and sister.“

„The way you did for the last eighteen years?“ you muttered in an agitated tone, forcing a smile on your lips just for Marcel to see everything is okay. Even if it wasn’t. „Do you really think it’s you? Our biological father?“

It took him a minute to answer. Almost as if he needed to think about something, he should have known for a long time. „I don’t know your sister, but sometimes when I look at you...“ He bowed his head, throwing the cigarette on the ground and stepping on it.

You eagerly waited for his answer, but it never came. Not when Commander Magath silently hissed and turned his back to you. He was breathing hard, almost as if he was battling with the words he wanted to say. The words he wanted you to hear.

„Commander!“ you called after him, expecting him to finish his words.

Only when he continued walking, did you truly feel the pain of this entire situation. He was turning his back on you. Literally. The chief of the Warrior unit didn’t want anything to do with you. Not in the role of your father.

He was just like the other man. The one you thought was the worst person ever to exist. Both of them valued only themselves, but not you or your sister. Family meant nothing to them. Not even in a situation like this. When this could be the last time you see each other.

You waited for a bit and took a couple of deep breaths, before returning to your family for the last couple of minutes. Hugging and kissing them felt even harder than ever before. Your mother was quietly apologizing while kissing the top of your head and almost crushing you in her embrace.

But saying your final goodbye to Anya was much worse. Mainly because you wanted her to know the truth, but there simply wasn’t time to tell her. All you could do was hug both of them back and say a million times over how much you love them.

„Will it help if I tell you, that your eyes look really pretty when you cry?“ Marcel asked, hugging you around the shoulders as soon, as the boat finally left the shore.

„What are you talking about?“ you asked, wiping the tears with the back of your hand. The port was getting smaller by the second, and the people still there disappearing. Your mother. Anya. Commander Magath. „You sound like Porco. Dumb.“

Marcel laughed quietly, kissing your cheek lovingly. „We’ll be back soon. I promise.“

„You have no power over that, Marcel. We don’t know what will happen to us once we disembark at Paradis. Just like we didn’t know five years ago.“

Your whole body was trembling and your heart still racing from all of the emotions. What were you supposed to feel? Nothing could have prepared you for this situation. This chapter of your life, everything about your father, was a closed case for many years. And now was the worst time possible to reopen it.

„Do you want to talk?“ he asked worriedly, rubbing your arm reassuringly and pulling you even closer to his side. „Something made you really upset. You’re not crying just because we’re leaving.“

„I don’t think I can talk bout it now. Maybe later.“

„Did Magath say something?“

You turned to him with sheer panic in your eyes. „How do you know about that?“

„I mean... you were talking to him, I saw you,“ Marcel replied surprised, furrowing his brow.

„Oh... yeah, you’re right. Sorry.“ Of course, he saw you talk to the Commander, you even made eye contact. That was all he knew. Nothing more specific. Not the possible truth. „No, it’s just something really dumb. Forget it, it’s fine.“

Nothing was fine. Not even close to fine, but you pretended for his sake. It was better to curl up in his embrace and watch the coast of Marley get further and further by the second.

Something wasn’t right about this whole mission, you could simply feel it deep in your bones, but... Saving Annie was worth the risk. You owed her that, even much more. She really was someone special for you, and not just because she had the power of the Female Titan.

„Do you think we’ll meet them again? The 104th?“ you asked after a while, still gripping the rail with one hand, your body leaning against Marcel’s.

„If they survived the battle in Shiganshina... yeah, it’s a pretty big possibility.“

„I don’t want to hurt them, Marcel,“ you whispered, pressing a tiny kiss to his neck.

Keeping your voice low was essential since random soldiers were always lurking around the deck. Just like the one, that saw you two kissing while on the way back home and immediately ran after Magath to inform him. What nonsense. As if the military didn’t have more serious problems than two of their soldiers falling in love.

„We’ll do our best to avoid combat. You have a good chance of slipping into the ranks of the Military police, we just need to get you a uniform. Having your ODM gear already is pretty helpful.“

„I don’t know, somebody may recognize me.“

„Well, I’m not saying you should stick around for a long time. Just until you hear something about Annie or find her yourself.“

„Firstly we need to somehow get behind the Walls.“ He nodded, kissing the top of your head gently. You loved being shorter than him, even more, when he was hugging you and resting his chin against your head. And it was also perfect for forehead kisses, which Marcel loved to give you at any given moment. „We should move during the night when the Titans aren’t active. It will be much safer. If we plan it out right, we could reach the Walls in two nights, and then during the third, we find our way in. Maybe through that passage, that should lead right up to the Underground.“

„I’ve heard it starts somewhere under Shiganshina, then continues under Karaness District, and then straight to Stohess. If it’s true, there is no need for us to even get close to Trost.“

„That would be for the best.“

Going through some tactics was the best thing you could do almost the whole time. It kept your mind occupied, and didn’t let your emotions run wild once more. Marcel offered to talk somewhere in private, but staying up on the sunny deck felt much better. If anything, at least the weather was beautiful, even though you started to feel a little seasick again, after maybe an hour. But it was better than last time.

Ultimately, the two of you spent some hours alone as well. Behind closed and locked doors, where it was only your love and passion speaking loudly and clearly. The fear in Marcel’s eyes grew bigger and bigger with every kiss he gave you, with every touch of his fingers against your skin. The very real possibility of losing each other terrified you, even during the moments when you could feel the other one right in your arms.

When you first started dating, you knew what was ultimately coming your way. Marcel only had a limited amount of years left, while you had the possibility to live a very long life. And sometimes, when you looked over at him in random moments, you were sure that the day he’ll die, is going to be the day the real you stops existing as well.

Something similar was running through your head now as well. If anything happens to him on that island, you simply won’t have the strength to continue and carry out what Marley sent you to do. Yes, his love made you feel strong and determined, but it also made you vulnerable.

„We should get ready,“ Marcel said, letting the tips of his fingers run along your bare back. You could still feel his lips all over your body, his eyes meeting yours in passionate moments full of love.

„I wish we could stay like this forever,“ you mumbled against his chest, pressing a gentle kiss above his heart.

„We’ll have days like that, I promise. Right now we have to think about Annie. Not what Marley and the military want from us.“

„Don’t you think this whole mission is a little suspicious from the start? I mean... why all that fuss around the Military court and everything when they let me go in the end? And the only punishment is supposed to be this? Going back to Paradis for Annie? The thing I wanted to do immediately after the battle in Shiganshina?“

„It feels kinda off, but I’m more concerned about their decision to send only the two of us, with you not even having Titan powers. Like what do they expect from me alone?“

Those were exactly your thoughts. You told the military everything about the Survey corps and their ability to battle Titans, even Titan shifters like Marcel and the others. They knew, how dangerous certain people, like Captain Levi, who almost killed Zeke, can be. But despite that, they didn’t bother to come up with a better plan.

Of course, you were given a lot of instructions and commands to obey. Just like when you left for Paradis five years ago. Everyone was sure all of you knew, what was expected.

However, this time they all seemed really...

„Do you think they want to get rid of us?“ you asked suddenly, before even thinking about saying those words out loud.

Marcel took a deep breath, playing with random strands of your hair. The sun behind the little cabin window almost started to set again. The shores of Paradis had to be close. „I thought about that, just didn’t want to say anything. But then again... if they killed me without somebody inheriting the Jaw, it will be lost to Marley. That would leave them with just three Titans out of the nine. If you don’t include the War Hammer, which is in possession of the Tybur’s.“

„You can’t really count the War Hammer in, they would never lend it to the military in any war conflict. They never did.“

„That’s exactly my point. Losing another Titan would be a disaster for the country. Mostly because...“ the way he paused made you worriedly lift your head from his chest and look into his face. „I heard something about a war between Marley and the Mid-East Allied Forces. It seems they want to take advantage of the loss of two Titans.“

„Great, so when we come home, there will be another war waiting for us.“

Will the hell cycle ever end? War after war, conflict after conflict. Do the nations really don’t know any better? Why is there always the need for more bloodshed and death?

„Let’s hope not.“

Getting out of bed and putting clothes back on was almost painful. Even more, when you had to put up with the annoying straps from your ODM gear. You didn’t wear it only for a short time, but it already felt like an entire eternity, since you had to have it on almost every single day. It never felt comfortable, the straps kept digging into your skin even through the fabric of your clothes, and making it really sore until it was finally time to take them off in the evening.

A sudden knock on the door surprised you both, while Marcel was buttoning up his black shirt and you were fastening the strap that went across your chest. When you opened, you were met with a tall soldier carrying a rifle tossed over his shoulder.

„Can I help you?“ you asked politely, leaning against the door a little.

„Both of you are immediately expected on the deck, we arrived. However, you are ordered to leave all weapons and supplies here. You’ll pick them up after.“

„After what?“ asked Marcel, appearing by your side and looking the soldier over.

„After you witness what we do to people like you,“ said the soldier with a snarky grin on his thin lips. He quickly looked at your armbands, and with a disgusted expression turned around, leaving you and Marcel absolutely dumbstruck.

You could feel shivers run down your spine, when Marcel put his hand on the small of your back, guiding you away from the door. So this really wasn’t just a simple mission. You didn’t travel to Paradis alone. Somewhere on this boat were other people, other Eldians, awaiting their doom. And you were supposed to watch them die for... what? Existing? Being born into this twisted world?

„Don’t think about doing anything, we can’t help them.“

The steady tone of his voice surprised you. „You knew?“ It only took him a second, when he nodded, looking away from your face.

„The holding cells were getting full pretty quickly, so the military planned this execution ahead. It was supposed to take place in three weeks. Only after that, they decided to send the two of us simultaneously. Why would they spend more money and resources on our transportation, when they can send only one boat?“

„You should have told me.“

„What for? It was better this way, trust me.“ With a quick kiss, Marcel grabbed your hand and led the both of you up to the deck. It was buzzing with life, soldiers, and officers almost at every step. Everybody was armed, carrying a standard rifle, you had to leave in the cabin.

When you looked straight ahead, you could see Paradis very clearly. It was just like you remembered it. Looking like an ordinary island, which was home to people like you. Just by the look of the sandy shores, no one would dare to guess what life there was really like. Not even you, when you first arrived five years ago.

You gripped Marcel’s hand a little tighter, while the two of you walked up to general Calvi, whose presence was a real surprise. „Ah, here you are, Galliard, Y/l/n.“

„General,“ you both answered almost at the same time, bringing your right hand up into a typical Marleyan salute.

„I would like it if the two of you accompanied our soldiers during the execution process. If I am not mistaken, none of you’ve ever seen something like this, right?“ The slimy smile on his face made you want to throw up. You’ve met this man a couple of times, but he always scared you for some reason. „Your mission will begin after that.“

„Yes, general,“ was all Marcel could say for the both of you.

When you didn’t say a word, Calvi looked over his shoulder and straight into your face. For some reason, it was suddenly hard to even breathe. „Yes... general,“ you got out at last, biting the inner side of your cheek.

„Very well,“ he answered with another almost frightening grin, turning his eyes back towards the shores of Paradis.

From that minute, everything happened too fast. The boat arrived at the simple docks, right before the tall wall. While you, Marcel, Calvi, and other military personnel stayed on the deck, a couple of soldiers went below deck and brought the prisoners. Roughly thirty Eldians – men, women, and even two children not older than ten years old. You looked at Marcel with horror in your eyes, digging your nails into your palms, just to keep the growing feeling of rage under control.

There was nothing, you could do for them. Nothing. That is what you had to remember. You weren’t the same. No. You weren’t worthless like them. You were... you were a Warrior. And an honorary Marleyan.

You were... somebody.

„Why do we need to watch?“ you asked Marcel quietly after a couple of minutes, now both of you walking to the stairs leading up to the wall. The biggest surprise was, that the General walked right in front of you. His interest in this mass murder process seemed a little out of place. „I’ve had enough when Magath forced me to watch all of you get your Titan powers.“

Those days still seemed like out of the nightmare. Something about your closest friends becoming pure Titanst for a short while and eating the previous inheritor stuck with you even after all those years. It was a few days before the chief of the Warrior Unit called you into his office and gave you the red armband for the first time.

„Don’t think about it, we’ll be leaving soon.“

„Not soon enough.“

Marcel let you go before him, just to make sure the soldier behind your back won’t try anything. Even he seemed unnaturally nervous about this whole situation. Something wasn’t right, this surely wasn’t similar to your last mission. And it had nothing to do with the fact, that the moment you stepped onto the shore, a ton of memories came rushing back. You left barely a month ago, but in some aspects, it seemed as if you’ve seen this place more than a hundred years ago.

The screams, crying, and pleas of the other Eldians were the worst part. You wished to be deaf, so you wouldn’t have to hear their desperate calls for help that simply wasn’t coming. Not after they all were lined up on top of the wall and forced onto their knees with hands tied behind their backs. Every single person had a soldier behind their back with a familiar syringe in one hand.

You got the same one for this mission as well. And you were given the same orders as before – if there won’t be any other option, it has to be you, who brings back one of the Titans. Best if it's the Founding.

„So? What do you think, young Warriors?“ asked the General suddenly, swinging one of his arms around your shoulders. You saw Marcel wince, but there was nothing he could do. „Isn’t it a beautiful sight? Getting our beloved homeland rid of the filth?“ In some other reality, it could have been you. One of those young women, crying for their lives that are going to end soon. „Nobody likes a traitor. A filthy devil, that will stab you from behind the first time it gets.“

„What about those kids?“ you asked almost inaudibly, trying to stop your body from shaking.

You simply weren’t strong enough for watching something like this. Not, when just a month ago you were with the people killing Titans, who came to be this way. You knew from the very start. All of the Titans the Survey corps ever killed were once people like you. Like them. And they had no idea for so many years.

„They were born to the wrong parents. Simple as that,“ answered the General, his arm still around your shoulders. „Just like the two of you. However, you decided to give your life to our homeland and try to plead for the sins of your ancestors.“ Marcel carefully moved a few steps closer so you were within his hand’s reach. He gave you a tiny sad smile you weren't able to reciprocate. „What a shame, that even seemingly brave and devoted people like you can't succeed, right? I think it’s because of that damned devil's blood in your veins. You are never getting rid of that.“

„General...“

„Did you really think, that the Military court let you go without consequences, Y/l/n?“

With just one nod of his head, five soldiers, all at once, threw themselves at Marcel. You could hear yourself scream louder, than any of the other Eldians, when they simply knocked him unconscious and tied his hands behind his back, so he could not transform into the Jaw Titan.

„Marcel!“

„Not so fast, little Warrior,“ said the General, suddenly pressing the barrel of a handgun into the center of your back. The air got caught in your throat at once. „Your conversations with Commander Magath were carefully monitored. Without your or his consent, to be precise. I know exactly what you’ve said to him. About your mission, about Paradis, and so on.“

„All I’ve done was...“

„Failing your mission, disobeying the commands you were given, siding with the Island devils, and getting caught up in their illusions. All you’ve done was betray Marley despite our generosity to you and your family.“

„I’ve never betrayed my homeland, General. I swore to protect and serve Marley until the day I die, just like I swore to free all the Eldians from the sins and atrocities of our ancestors and the Island devils. I swore to bring down this island so the world doesn't have to fear it anymore.“

Tears were slowly making their way to your eyes.

That’s why everything looked and felt so off. This wasn’t any kind of rescue mission. You and Marcel weren’t going back behind the Walls for Annie. Your journey was ending right here. Amongst the other Eldians, who were watching and listening in horror.

If your and Marcel’s life didn’t matter anything, what could they expect? If the military could be so cruel to people, that gave them their everything, what chance did the ordinary people stand against them?

„We lost trust in you,“ he said after a short while, both of you looking at Marcel’s body on the ground just a few steps away. „And Galliard as well. He tried to be a master manipulator, who thought nothing could happen to him. He thought he could make a silly little puppet out of everyone, me included. Just like he did seven years ago when he got Braun the Armored Titan.“

„Marcel didn’t do anything wrong. All he wanted was to protect his brother.“

The General laughed and pushed you forward. The barrel of his gun was still painfully pressed deep into your skin. A young Eldian woman gasped when he made you stand beside her, before forcing you onto your knees, holding the gun up to your head.

You didn’t dare to look at her, or anybody else. All you saw was a huge piece of land covered in sand. Your heart was almost painfully slamming against your ribs, while your head filled with so many questions. But the most important of them all...

Did Commander Magath know about the true nature of this mission?

Was that the reason why he was so open with you this morning? He truly knew that you would not return and talk about any of what he told you. Talking with you about that matter was some sort of last goodbye. He even... he even made the promise to protect your mom and sister.

Anya... you did this all for her. So she could live a long and healthier life, which you also wanted to be a part of. You tried to give her everything while paying with your own life.

„Both of you are easily replaceable. The official reports about your deaths are already safely tucked away in my office in Marley, and waiting for the right moment,“ he laughed, scaring you and the people around even more. Only then you realized, that all the screaming and crying had stopped. Everyone was now looking at you, awaiting your faith. „Do you want to hear about your own death? The official one, of course.“

You couldn’t move a muscle. The crushing reality of his words came down on you with such power, that even crying was beyond your strength.

„I’ll be choosing one random person from these filthy bastards,“ he started explaining, waving his free hand in the direction of the Eldians kneeling beside you. „He or she will inherit the Jaw for a short while. A month, maybe? They will be locked up the entire time, their tongue cut off before officially returning to Marley and generously giving the Jaw to the next inheritor.“

„Marcel didn’t do anything wrong,“ you repeated quietly, so it was almost impossible to make out your words. It was like your own voice failed and left you.

„And now about you. Well... after getting attacked by a pure Titan, that killed Marcel and gained his powers, you captured that person, abandoned your mission, and tried to get back with them to the docks. But shortly before our military reached you, a random Titan killed you as well.“

„Nobody is going to believe that. Not our families.“

Of course, they are going to believe it. If they get the official reports, there will be no doubt. Not when the General will put on such a good show as now.

„I don’t even need them to believe,“ he laughed again, the arrogance in his tone making you even sicker. You wanted to rip his filthy tongue from his mouth with your bare hands.

You’ve thought about death many times. But it was never this way. Marley betraying you wasn’t what you expected. Or... maybe you did. The very same day the Military court let you go. It was all just for a show, just to pretend everything was okay. But at that same time, they were planning your execution, covering it up with a made-up new mission.

They never cared about you.

And they never cared about Marcel or Annie, or the other Warriors. They never saw you as people, only weapons, which can stop being useful at any given moment.

And that moment was now.

When you risked a brisk look at Marcel, you felt your whole self break into millions of tiny pieces. There were so many things you’d never told him. And why? Because you so stupidly thought you had time. Even if just a few years, but still.

And now it was too late.

There was no way of getting out of this situation alive. Not with him unconscious and a gun pointed at your head. Not with so many armed soldiers all around, while all of your weapons were left behind on the boat.

You wouldn't be able to save the person you loved the most even by spilling the blood of all people present. Somebody would eventually hunt you down. If not Marley, then the Titans. And if not them, the Survey corps or the other members of the Paradis military.

„Oh, and if you want to know, what’s going to happen to your family...“

„Please, just stop,“ you begged him, tears slowly rolling down your cheeks.

„They won’t be cared for anymore. Your mother can watch your sister die slowly and painfully without the treatment she needs. And after that, we’ll send her to Paradis as well.“

„You monster!“ you yelled at him and spun around faster than he would have expected. The amused tone of his voice suddenly gave you enough power to rip the whole planet in half, just to protect the ones you loved the most.

But fighting blinded by anger was never a wise idea. And surely not against an experienced high-ranking military personnel, who needed just one good move to pacify you. General Calvi’s arm wrapped around your throat, while your back crashed against his chest.

„Don’t waste your strength, you’ll need it. The Walls are far away from here.“

„No... please... no... NO!“ you cried out when he took a syringe from one of the closest soldiers. Trying to free yourself from his hold was useless.

His cold, nasty cackles were the only things you could hear, while the needle penetrated your skin right on your neck. Digging your nails into his forearm, stepping on his feet, and shoving him into the abdomen and chest did nothing, he didn’t let you go. Not before the liquid in the syringe ended up inside of your body.

„Thank you for your service, Warrior.“

With those words, he tossed you away from him, throwing you off the wall. Your scream cut through the air, while your teary eyes tried to catch a glips of Marcel for one last time. But you failed. Suddenly, all you could feel was agonizing pain like never before. It was so brutal, that even landing in the sand far below wasn’t that bad.

Your eyes were fixed on the slightly pink sky and the setting sun, while your left hand grabbed the heart-shaped locket with the engraved letter M for the very last time. The photo Marcel put inside was of you and him as kids, the day before you got chosen to become an official Warrior candidate. On that day, the two of you were still just a couple of ordinary kids who loved to play together. You weren’t living the horror the next few years brought to you.

„I love you...“ you whispered through the tears, delusionally hoping that your words would somehow reach him, give him a goodbye kiss on his cheek where you so loved to press your lips and tell him everything, you weren’t able to. „Marcel...“

The coldness of the locket was the last thing you felt beside the pain, that ultimately disappeared, when everything went dark before your eyes and the person you once were, was lost forever.

All that remained was a primitive Titan without even a glimpse of the girl, your family, friends, and Marcel Galliard loved so deeply.

The end

#marcel galliard #marcel galliard x reader #marcel galliard x you #porco galliard #reiner braun #zeke jaeger #pieck finger #annie leonhardt #bertholdt hoover #attack on titan #aot x you #aot x reader #shingeki no kyojin

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claudemblems · 2 years

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I Dedicate My Heart...To You | Levihan

I promised @/glassesandswords a few months back that I would write a Levihan piece during their Marley Vacay and I finally finished it 😭 If you're seeing this, I'm sorry it took so long!! I ended up cutting out the first half and just focusing on the last scene since it can stand on its own. I might eventually go back and write about their other adventures in the city of Marley! For now, please enjoy some Levihan confessions by the sea <3

“Ah, Lady Kiyomi sure does have a lovely estate, doesn’t she?”

Hange and Levi strolled beside the Marleyan shores bordering the Azumabito estate, the evening sun casting a deep orange glow as it sank below the horizon.

“It’s not half bad,” Levi admitted. He closed his eyes, letting the wind ruffle his raven hair. “It’s a good place to get some peace and quiet away from all the noisy brats.”

“By ‘noisy brats,’ do you mean the kids?” Hange asked, smiling.

“Well, no one else is making a ruckus in the streets about ice cream.”

“Well, it is their first time seeing what all the outside world has to offer.”

“I wouldn’t mind them getting excited if they weren’t causing a scene," Levi said, not bothering to hold back his sigh of disapproval.

“Says the person who made us run from the authorities after saving a random kid.”

“Shut up.”

Hange’s laughter echoed like church bells through the air, the sound almost as natural and serene as the soft crashing of waves on the shore.

Levi knew he’d been grumpier than usual during their excursion, but someone had to be the responsible adult. In truth, he really didn’t mind standing back and watching Hange and the kids run about carefree, laughing and smiling wherever their curiosity led them. If anyone deserved to relax, it was them. They’d been through hell and back since the walls first fell. Sure, they’d had their moments of joy, but even in those moments they were always bracing for the worst. A moment’s peace could and often was rudely interrupted by their harsh reality. Danger surrounded them, anywhere, everywhere, and constantly. But this time, with the threat of titans far behind them, Levi watched his fellow scouts finally drop their guards, eyes looking upon the world with hope. He wished that someday soon they could live the remainder of their lives like this: unafraid, fulfilled, and happy. Those brats deserved it.

Especially Hange.

Levi glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, his heart skipping a beat in his chest.

The ocean breeze gently lifted the edges of Hange’s hair, the flyaway strands framing her face as if she were a piece of art. Everything about her was so carefully crafted, from the upturned corner of her lips, her long, silky brown hair, and her chocolate eyes that shone like sunlight. It was a sight so perfect, so captivating. Levi wished that he could capture this moment in time and save it forever. Is this why people like to use those cameras? He’d once thought Marleyans had some odd tastes and even odder interests, but maybe he was finally beginning to understand them.

“Levi?”

Levi nearly jumped as Hange’s voice quickly pulled him out of his thoughts. “What is it?”

He could sense the smile that she wanted to give him, but for some reason, she held it back. Was she stopping herself from teasing him, or was it something else?

“You were staring at me,” she said.

Though Levi didn’t react outwardly, inwardly his heart began to pound against his ribcage. Heat spread to his cheeks, and he had to keep himself from clicking his tongue at her. She might actually tease him if she realized he had gotten so flustered.

“You’re imagining things,” he answered coolly, fixing his eyes on the sea. But even with his back turned, he still felt her gaze on his. It drove him crazy, how she could affect him like this. Hange was single handedly unraveling the man who never brought his emotions out into the open. She was dismantling the cool, uncaring persona he’d worn for so long. She was drawing herself closer and closer to him, and he was letting her, even though he’d grown so afraid of getting attached and one day having to let go.

“Oh, I am?” Hange mused, tapping a finger on her chin. “Sorry. Maybe I was the one staring.”

Thump. Levi’s heart was doing that dastardly thing again. Beating. Faster. Harder. All without his permission.

“W-What did you say?”

He was expecting some sort of quip to fall from her lips, for Hange to break out into an unrestrained fit of laughter. But she didn’t.

She blushed.

Levi stared at her, mouth agape. Am I understanding this right? There’s no way Hange would say something like that to me. Dang it. I know everything she says is unexpected, but how am I supposed to respond to…this?!

“Ah…sorry for saying something like that so out of the blue. I really don’t have a filter today. Perhaps it’s because this little vacation has proved to be so exciting? Anyways, it’s starting to get dark out. Let’s head in—”

Levi gripped Hange’s wrist, holding it tight but keeping it loose enough for her to walk away, if she really wanted to.

“Levi?”

“You can’t just say something that serious and then walk off.”

“Well…what else am I supposed to do? It’s nothing, right? Just a slip of the tongue. I’m tired anyways. Maybe it’s just—”

“You never say things you don’t mean, Hange.”

The blush on her cheeks deepened, and Hange bowed her head, desperately trying to hide the sight from Levi. “I’m not that good at being sincere.”

“I’m not either, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.”

Hange’s wide eyes snapped up to meet his, and her heart fluttered upon seeing Levi’s flustered countenance. With his free hand, he covered his face with his palm, sighing deeply into it. “After all these years of being friends, the one time you do me in is when we’re on a vacation in another land at someone else’s house before everything possibly goes to hell.” Levi let out a soft chuckle, running a hand through his now messy strands of hair. “Tell me, Hange. Was that really a joke, or is it something that came from your heart?”

Hange considered her words for a moment, battling between coming clean and brushing the whole thing aside. But seeing Levi’s desperation, his pleading to know if there was truth to be found in her words…could she really deny him of the truth of her feelings, now?

“With everything I do, I dedicate my heart,” she declared, briefly glancing back up at Levi’s eyes. “I’ve dedicated my heart for humanity, for my fallen comrades, but to a single person…I think I already have.”

Levi’s heart pounded against his chest, threatening to leap out. “You’ve dedicated your heart…to me?”

Hange pursed her lips as she fought back her sudden shyness. “Well…we’ve been by each other’s side for so long, and we’re the last ones left. I can’t say I haven’t thought about the future, either. Our future. And how it might be nice…to continue to experience life at your side.”

For the first time in Levi’s life, he found himself at a loss for words. This is how Hange felt about him? Since when? For how long? But more importantly, why?

“I don’t think I’m the kind of person you’d want to live out the rest of your life with. I’m unpleasant, I can’t stand a dirty house, and after all these years of fighting, I’m not sure that I can easily settle into a life free of obligations. Do you really want to be woken up at five in the morning because I’m making the bed with you in it?”

Hange flung her head back, bursting into laughter. Levi could only observe her reaction, trying to will the bashfulness to leave him. But now he’d just insinuated not only living in the same house as Hange, but sleeping in the same bed! What was he doing? He’d never been good at expressing his feelings. Perhaps he should have kept them to himself—

“Well, if you clean the house, then I’ll cook the food! The kids have always complimented my culinary prowess~”

The two turned their gazes to one another, their once wild blushes now just faint shades of red. The uneasiness in the air had given way to a sense of relief, and the anxiety gripping them had turned into confidence. As they looked for answers in each other’s eyes, the sun dipped lower and lower below the horizon, stars just beginning to peek through the deep orange sky.

“Well, how about it, Captain? If we make it out of this war alive and neither of us are still with anyone, how about we get married? We’ve dedicated our hearts to humanity. Now it’s time to dedicate them to someone new.”

“Idiot,” Levi whispered, gently taking Hange’s hand in his as he began to pull her back to the Azumabito estate. Despite his rough words, if you looked closely enough, you could spot the tiniest of smiles forming on Levi’s face. With the soft whistling of the wind and the lapping of waves on the shore, they walked on slowly together, relishing in the feeling of their fingers intertwined. “My heart’s already yours. You don’t even have to ask.”

#claudemblems writes #look I'm obsessed with the dedicated hearts thing okay #I want them to dedicate their hearts to each other #aot #levihan #levihan fic

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peace-for-levi · 2 years

Text

Morgen: Chapter 2; Aduantas

content warnings: self-deprecating thoughts from levi, hints at terminal illness, injury-related gore. also it is mostly unedited, may have typos.

w/c: 5,000

read prev chapter here. || series masterlist

synopsis: you move into levi's apartment, you make fun of him for reading a romance novel and levi recounts on a promise he made

taglist: @starstruckkittensweets , @nelapanela94 , @maries-gallery , @levi-my-beloved , @pockcock , @levmada (lmk if you wanna be added to this!)

check out this amazing fanart by @wortverlust

The boat ride over to Marley took a few days. It was a ferry that took over Eldians wanting a better life, or a life away from Paradis and the painful memories there. Everything about the flower shop had been mostly arranged and had been dealt with by various vendors and shippers over the phone and through letters, and it was all settling nicely.

Moving in was going to be stressful though.

Levi sat on the orthopaedic chair as you unpacked your things. His knees were brought to his chest as he watched you place your things about.

Levi’s apartment wasn’t too big, and you brought many things. Maybe you had underestimated how much space your new roommate would have. Levi lived a pretty minimalist lifestyle so there was more than enough space for one person, but two? Oh, there’d be some acclimatising for sure.

You marvelled at the balcony Levi had in his apartment, happy to see it was there. But it didn’t seem to be used. There was a chair out there, but you could tell it was probably never used since he moved in. The wooden shutter doors to it were closed, and they were the first thing you perused. You pushed them open and noticed how much space there was. Enough space for a table and chair. Granted, the view from the balcony wasn’t fantastic: just a brick wall which had overgrown ivy crawling all over it, and you could hear kids running up and down the alleyway playing ball.

There was enough space for some of your plants too, which had Levi widening his eyes at your suggestion and was quick to turn it down…

“I know what you’re like, you won’t take care of it and it’ll end up being me taking care of your fucking plant.”

“-First of all, it’s called an orchid and second-”

“[Y/n.]”

And that was it. End of discussion.

Not like you wouldn’t challenge it though.

Once it looked like you had stopped packing - temporarily - Levi gave you the not-so-grand tour of his tiny apartment.

He showed you the kitchen and cooking area that had quite a few cupboards given the cramped space. There would only ever be enough space for one person to access the oven and hobs, fridge or sink at one time. The other person would have to wait their turn. The sink had a dish rack at the side, sparklingly clean dishes stacked up and cleaned by Levi from last night. There was a collection of spices to the left of the dish rack, you counted at least ten. Did Levi like to cook?

He hobbled down the hall that was connected to the kitchen and living area and showed you your bedroom. It was at the very end of the hall. It only made sense that Levi got the bedroom closest to the kitchen, given his leg. In between the two bedrooms was the shared bathroom, you assumed. He showed you inside the shared room and it was as pristine as you’d imagine a bathroom in Levi’s home to be. White porcelain tiles ran across the walls and floor, and there was not a hint of mould anywhere. There was a hanging, water-proof container in the shower and it was empty. Possibly for your own things.

Finally, he showed you the bedroom. It was not like your room back on Paradis; for starters, the windows weren’t on the walls. They were on the ceiling and there was a draw blind and a pole for you to pull with.

“Sometimes it’ll get stuck, so I’d recommend investing in an eye mask.” He had warned you.

It was clean, yet knowing the room had its little faults already - such as the draw blind, or the creaking chest of drawers - made it feel like someone lived here before. Probably past tenants, but it didn’t have that “new house” smell.

You began to unpack your things after he finished his tours, folding your clothes and placing them in your drawer. You didn’t pack much clothes - if anything, most of your items were plant and flower related - and you knew you’d need to get more once you made a profit here. You put away your good clothes and your clothes for work, mainly consisting of looser culottes for working and different coloured blouses.

On top of the dresser, you placed the books you bought. Mostly classics, but there was a mostly empty sketch pad. The first page had already been drawn in. The picture with all the lilies.

Finally, after decorating a bit more with a few candles and some flowers, you pull out a painted picture of him.

Neil was his name.

You gulped looking at it, teeth coming down to bite down on your lower lip.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I didn’t do more…” you murmured, aloud.

Neil had messy, red hair and green eyes. He had a pointed nose and was the same height as the late Erwin Smith. Of course, Erwin beat him when it came to seriousness most of the time. But that didn’t stop Neil Larsson taking his job as Squad Leader seriously.

“Oi,” came Levi’s voice. Crap, did he hear you talking to yourself (the painting)?

“What is it?”

“Dinner, may I come in?” he said. With an ‘mhmm’ from you, he pushed the door open and had come in with a pole. He took your old one and you nodded thanks, leaving ahead of him.

The pole was stronger, and he hooked the draw blind shut and the room was enshrouded in darkness. Still, enough light came in from the hallway and kitchen. Enough light for him to see the painting of Neil.

He picks it up gently, knowing it was probably five years old at least and prone to tearing.

He wonders if you have moved on yet - it had been a few years after all - but then he remembers you have yet to take the wedding band off.

Probably not then.

He places the painting down and joins you in the kitchen

You had never expected Levi to be a good cook. Not that you doubted his abilities, but you had never seen him cook before. But as you sat on the sectional sofa with the dinner table standing before you, your eyes caught some purchased cooking books. You thought they were empty purchases but as you flicked through them, you saw pencilled in alterations to the ingredients, particularly towards anything in the baked goods containing sugar.

It seems Levi Ackerman had developed a bit of a sweet tooth while he was away from Paradis.

With gentle movements, the aglio e olio was placed in front of you. You could faintly smell a bit of lemon that he had sprinkled over.

“Fork and spoon? Or are you going to eat like a child?” he asked as he served himself up a portion, holding a fork and spoon in one hand.

“I’ll take both.”

You stood up and reached out to grab the utensils from him and your fingers momentarily laced around his. He was quick to stop dishing up and looked back at you.

He could still feel the fucking ring.

Well, that’s what he got for thinking about it ever since he saw you outside the empty building a few hours ago. He swallowed thickly and returned his gaze to the spaghetti once you returned to the table.

He wanted to throw it out the window, the ring. Fuck, why did it have to be still on your finger? After all these years? He knew the answer, but he was trying to convince himself that the reasons behind it were completely illogical and irrational.

He has to pause and reel himself in when he catches the anger and jealousy bubble up inside him. He has been aching for your presence for a year - he should be happy.

He goes to sit down in front of you and twirls the spaghetti on his fork. You don’t hear any slurping, and he makes no mess as he slurps. Neat and not messy, the way he was known to you. Only his mind was all messed up now that you were here.

His mouth moved before he registered what he had uttered. “Did you move next to me on purpose?”

It didn’t mean to come out that way. Shit, why can’t he be good with words? He was more than happy pining for you while you two lived your separate lives with an ocean flowing between you both. He was fine. He was good. He was great (not really, but he will convince himself that he was.)

And in the blink of an eye, you two were roommates.

Was your nighttime routine different to his? What’s he supposed to do now? Do you two eat breakfast together in awkward silence the way you two are eating dinner now? Who buys the groceries?

He loved worrying about these things because he knew lives weren’t on the line regardless of what decisions you two came to regarding your living situation. But saints he was not used to this, to worry about things of very little consequence.

“Yes, Levi, I’m good. You know, it’s customary to ask the person who you haven’t seen in a year how they are first,” you insisted.

It wasn’t necessarily on purpose. It was just the letting you could afford, but you were on the fence about leaping across the pond just to set up a flower shop on a whim. But when the landlord told you he had a tenant who lived next door who was a bit anti-social, was an injured soldier from the War of Heaven and Earth and owned a tea shop, you quickly signed the lease and paid the necessary down payment.

“Can we call it fate and leave it at that? You should be delighted to see me, we were like besties!” you chimed.

Stiff silence brimming with palpable tension fell between the two of you. You clear your throat and try to move the conversation along.

Is there a point, you wonder? Because back in headquarters before the Rumbling, you two would talk and have conversations, but sitting in silence drinking tea was equally enjoyed.

“I, uh-- I’m sorry, Levi,” you mumbled. “Things are different and tense and I know that, it’s wrong for me to expect things to go back to normal--”

Levi stopped you from speaking by pushing his chair out and standing up. He left his half-eaten dinner on its plate and placed it in the fridge.

“I’m sorry…” you found yourself saying as he hobbled away. “Levi!”

He turned around slowly and the haggard look on his face almost made you not want to speak ever again. “What?”

He still answered. He’d always answer to you no matter how much his head ached or how full his heart felt with emotions he still didn’t know how to express.

“You’ll eat that later, won’t you?”

If it was Sasha asking that question, perhaps he’d lose his damn mind because that meant, “So can I eat that later?”

But you always asked him these questions.

“You’ll eat that later, won’t you?”

“You’ll try to go to sleep, won’t you, Levi?”

“Levi, why not get some air?”

It was your way of asking, If I’m not there, will you still look after yourself? Whether that meant you not being there for a few hours, or you never being there again, he never knew - and never wanted to know - but he knew it was you asking him to care for himself no matter how in his head he got.

Maybe it did mean the latter though, because there was one time when you had locked yourself inside the infirmary for two months. You were simply too caught up in your own situation to care for other people. He had to look after himself then, without you reminding him of the basic things - no matter how bad his mental health got. He had to be there for himself when you couldn’t be there for him, even when you couldn’t be there for yourself at that time.

It was funny how the power dynamic had reversed itself for those two months back in 850… How he had become the person to bring you dinner in the infirmary and with a cup of tea, or how he’d knock on the door to your bedroom that had exploded into a study of books and loose parchment papers to remind you to sleep. Or how he reminded you, much like Hange, to go take a bath (but he always phrased it nicely to you.)

And he always did this while watching you wear the bravest of faces nearly every damn day.

And he hated that face, because it was so normal-looking.

Unreadable, even.

Much like him.

–

You walked through the aisles of the grocery store a few hours later once Levi told you how to get there. Most of your flower shop had been sorted out for its grand opening tomorrow. The flowers had been watered and tended to, the cash register was set up. You had been working at the display all day.

Should you buy some decorations at the furniture store?

Wait, shit, where was the furniture store?

Scratch that.

You did decide that you were going to cook for Levi tomorrow since he cooked tonight. Maybe that would become a routine? Maybe you two could establish a routine again? Drinking tea, doing paperwork, exercising–

Wait, Levi probably wouldn’t be doing that as much. He retained most of his muscle, but he had no reason - nor the ability - to train as hard as he used to.

On your way to the grocery store, a cat had followed you all the way back home. It took a bit of shooing to make it go away and give you a bit of space to think about what you wanted to get. (You always told yourself you’d bring a list, but never did.)

You picked up a few more things before walking idly around the store, familiarising yourself with this new environment but when the shopkeeper announced the closing hours were approaching, you hurried out.

You walked through the door of the shared apartment shortly after dusk had settled. You hung your waistcoat on the coat hanger and scuffled out of your shoes. That was when you heard a loud thud and a pained groan coming from down the hall. The groan had an echo to it, so it had come from the bathroom.

“Levi?!” you called out, your feet moving on their own accord. You heard hand sticking to the floor as he crawled over to hurriedly shut the door in your face. “Levi, are you okay? Did you fall?”

You knew the answer, no other thud could have made a sound like that. And given Levi’s condition, you assumed he must have had falls often. You had seen the wound before, but once you heard he had surgery, you naively assumed his leg could have been saved.

“Go away.” You heard. You felt your heart splinter a bit. As cold as his tone was, you could hear the wobble in its tone; he hurt himself badly.

“Levi, let me in.” You replied, immediately.

“I said, go away.”

His voice was harsher this time, and it sounded like a warning. Please, I can’t have you seeing me this way, he wanted to say, but of course, his words would never come out like that.

His back was to the door and the pain was pulsing and throbbing, radiating white hot pain up and down his leg, up to his head. He could feel it through his teeth and in his ears. He is normally concerned not of the injury to his leg, but the injury this ordeal has done to his brain; the way it has changed the way others perceive him. He’s no longer Humanity’s Strongest, but saints he wishes he was. He was more invincible that way.

“You either let me in, or I am kicking the door down. You know I am strong enough to.”

And he knows you are indeed strong enough. It wouldn’t take too much strength for you to punch through it and unlock it from the inside yourself.

Plus, he didn’t want to get in trouble with his landlord.

With whatever strength he could muster, he kneels and unlocks the door before shuffling away, leaning up against the bathtub.

You stepped inside and noted he had changed to looser, loungewear pants. He was wearing a grey tank top and his signature bangs were hanging in his face as he leaned his forehead against his knee. The sight had you dropping your Lilies of the Valley bouquet and sinking down with him.

“What is it? What happened?” you asked, and he pointed up to the open mirror. It was one of those mirrors you could slide to the side and would reveal a few shelves. You stood up and took note of the pain medications, salves and other various medicines for not-so-serious ailments like fever medication, cough syrup, or decongestants. There was also a razor, scissors and shaving cream, and other small things for basic hygiene.

He was pointing to some alcohol solution, and you stood up to reach it.

“I’ll need a cloth too.” He spoke out.

You put two and two together. “You were getting ready to clean your wound, but tripped and missed the solution.” You deduced.

He had decided to do this while you were out.

He really didn’t want you seeing him like this, it seems.

You acquired a white, cotton cloth, a bucket and filled it up with tap water. The water sloshed around in the bucket, spilling on the floor a small bit. You’d deal with that later though. You sat down beside Levi and leaned forward, pinching the bottom of his loose pants.

“Roll these up, I’ll clean it.”

Levi turned to look at you like you had three heads. “What?”

“Just do what I say.” Your voice was commanding.

It was very hard to disobey you when your tone switched like that. It would scare even the toughest of soldiers, how you could ‘snap’ like that. Scared wouldn’t have been the right word for Levi, but he knew not to otherwise test you. He rolled up the legs of his pants. He folded it back until you could start to see the discolouration of his normally pallid skin, now marred with etches of pink that twirled and contorted into a viscous, angry-looking web of scar tissue. Looked like a gnarled tree trunk, too twisted up and mutilated with no hope of healing back properly. The scar dipped in an inch or two - you weren’t sure, but it was a ghastly looking dip in his flesh - and you could make out some teeth marks from the Titan that got him if you squinted.

“Relax…” you whispered softly, and Levi’s head lolled back to rest against where your arms would rest on the bathtub. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see any of your reactions, but was dying to see them at the same time.

It hurts.

It’s ugly.

I am ugly. I am hideous.

These thoughts plague him every day as they do now, and were amplified whenever he brought his fingers up to smooth under his marred face.

Please don’t look at me.

You had opted to not use the alcohol solution, not wanting to exacerbate his pain anymore than what it already was. You draped your argyle cardigan around him, and his hands already went to fist the woollen article of clothing in preparation of the pain he was about to feel. You submerged the cloth into the water and squeezed out the excess.

Then it made contact with his thigh and he hissed.

You had to bite down on your inner lip to not show that your heart was bleeding to see him in this state. Your other thumb had taken to rubbing circles in his good leg, hoping he’d focus on that sensation. You moved the cloth along the rough skin, cleaning it as gently as you could.

“Shit…” he groaned through gnashed teeth.

You stopped and left the cloth hanging over the edge of the bucket. You look at him, begging for him to come back and look at you. He feels your pleading eyes and he returns the gaze. Your face is one of sympathy and pity.

“Don’t… look at me like that…” he murmurs. Your thumb went to tap the edge of his scar, looking at it again as if you had some childlike curiosity and admiration for it. “D-Don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

“Stop looking at it.”

You looked back at him now, obeying his wishes. “Why, though?”

“It’s not pretty.”

“Well, it’s a scar. It’s not meant to look ‘gorgeous’, per se…” you began, and looked back down. “Doesn’t mean it’s ugly either.”

He felt his heart lurch forward a bit upon hearing that. He was expecting you to be so repulsed by it, by him. He knows you had been seeing such injuries - and far worse - for years, but… that time of your lives was now over. You had a year of not being injured or seeing people come back from failed expeditions. Perhaps he was naive - again - to think that you were gonna be sensitive and squeamish about this.

Because you were right. It was just a scar.

But how did his face look to you?

Was he not scary? Hideous?

He doesn’t ask or say anything about it, not wanting to put you on the spot. You go to clean again.

Your movements are slow, languid and in no hurry. They’re gentle, and he wants more of your touch. He’s addicted and he’s hungry. He wants your touch in other areas of his body, but he scolds himself as soon as such a lustful thought comes into his mind. He has to scrunch his face together and think of something else - anything else - to distract himself.

There’s silence apart from his occasional pained grunts, and you roll the leg of his pants down again once you let the water air-dry. You didn’t want fabric sticking to his wound.

“What were you doing before this?” you asked.

“Reading, in the living room.” He replied. He sounded haggard, but you expected as much.

You helped him up and you offered to assist him to the living room, but he refused saying he’d be fine with his cane instead. A small battle of the wills ensued between the pair of you, but Levi could and would be just as stubborn. He hobbled over to his orthopaedic chair and let his bad leg rest on the ottoman before pulling out the book he was reading again. In the meantime, you changed into your pyjamas.

It had been a long day.

You clambered out again in pastel coloured camisole top and shorts and Levi had to glue his eyes into his book or he was sure he’d stop breathing.

You plopped down in front of him with your own book and as you read the blurb of his book, you audibly gasped.

“Levi… are you reading a romance novel?”

“Shut up.”

You gasped again and sprung to your feet, sitting on the armrest of his chair. You eyed the words and giggled. “‘Their hands intertwined and they looked at’-- Levi this is a romance novel!”

“Shut up!”

Giggling like a schoolgirl you sat before him again, you turned open the pages of your own book. The candles in the room had been lit and created a soothing atmosphere which was very much needed after what happened in the bathroom. The sitting room glowed amber, the only thing that was missing was a fireplace. That would be truly relaxing.

“So… Do you have many romance novels, Levi?”

Levi let out a grunt in response, not wanting to answer. But he did after a few minutes. “Bookshelf next to me, I’m in the middle of a series… But there are also classics, thrillers, poetry collections and some encyclopaedias.”

You smiled. “It’s nice to see you have become a bookworm of sorts. It’s honestly kinda cute!”

Heat rose to Levi’s cheeks immediately, he lifted the book up further to hide any such evidence. Also to hide his line of sight from looking directly at your short pyjamas. He wasn’t complaining - far from it actually - but it was not a sight he wanted burned into his brain on the very first day you two started living together.

You went back to your flower bouquet and went to find an appropriate vase or jug of water and placed them on the table, separating them so that every flower could get some of the sunlight that would shine through Levi’s lovely shutter doors and windows.

“I know we got off to a rough-ish start here, but Lilies of the Valley symbolise newfound happiness… And, well, I know I am happy I have come here.” You spoke aloud, assuming he wasn’t listening.

But he was. He listened to everything you said, and more.

He would always keep an eye on you and look after you.

Not because he wanted, but because he swore to.

There was a knocking against the door, and Levi was taken out of the trance of his paperwork. He just had to sign his name at the bottom of the death certificates, but it was very easy to become hypnotised looking at the same coloured paper, doing the same, monotonous movement with your hand.

“What.”

“It’s Neil Larsson, sir. May I come in?”

Levi stiffened in his seat at the mention of your partner. He had never come to speak to Levi without you, or unless there was a meeting with all the Squad Leaders. What would warrant a visit now, and so late?

“Come in.” He said with a great exhale.

The candles lit on Levi’s desk almost made Neil’s hair shine orange and it made his deep, green eyes look cavernous and invitingly warm. He smooths his hair back before sitting before the Captain, as he always did before speaking to a superior. He sits at the edge and brings his elbows to his knees, resting his head in his hands. Levi knew at this moment this was going to be a serious discussion.

Neil doesn’t speak and Levi has to ask him to speak up or he is getting sent out.

“I know you and [F/n] are close,” he began, and Levi’s scribbling stopped. “So in that regard, please look after her after and just… be there for her.”

Levi eyed him precariously. He had every intention of doing that, though under the guise of him being his usual asshole self. Neil stood up then, prepared to leave as quickly as he walked through the door.

And that was when he fell down, totally unprompted. Levi hummed in response, but when the man didn’t get up immediately after falling, Levi stood up to assist him.

“No need to be so dramatic…” he mumbled and bent down to assist him up.

“It’s been happening all the time, Captain Levi.”

The shorter man quirked a brow. “What, you being a klutz?”

“The doctors have told me it’s not me being a klutz.” Neil stated, matter-of-factly. His green eyes searched for his superior’s grey ones, asking him to listen and take him seriously. “I need you to promise me, sir, to look out for her when I…”

Levi didn’t say anything, looking into the eyes of green intensely. Levi took note of his leg twitching and spasming a small bit. He reached out and placed his hand on it, to stop the seemingly ceaseless movements.

“I’m dying, sir, and I don’t have much time left… Promise me you’ll look out for [F/n] when I go.”

#levi x f!reader #husbando tag <3 #levi ackerman #levi #levi x reader #levi x y/n #cece; writing #cece; morgen #aot x reader #snk x reader #aot #snk #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman x reader smut

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kashimos-hajime · 3 years

Text

twenty questions (7/8) | r.b.

summary: No, he refuses to lose someone else. Not again, not you. Never fucking you. Or, after four years, Reiner meets you once more.

WARNINGS: angst, just conversation, a bit of violence, mentions of trauma, children ummmmm yeee, jean also appears <3 true king pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 8.3k

a/n: reiner returns!! welcome to the penultimate chapter and thank you for being on this journey with me :) again, song is not mine! it’s the wellerman sea shanty hehe

masterlist

crossposted on ao3 x

Morning streams through the curtains.

You part the billowy white fabric, pushing open the window breathing in the late morning air. As always, it’s warm and ripe with the aroma of the fresh bread from the bakery you live above, and as you lean on the windowsill, you hear the door below you chiming with new patrons. You smile to yourself, resting your chin on your hand.

Even still, you can’t help but admire how beautiful it is, especially in the streets here, far away from a industrial zone. The Liberio interment zone is small, yes, but it’s no less beautiful. The architecture of brick and glass all hold an austere beauty, and when the sunset is upon you, the shadows they cast and the warmth that embraces the stone is something you’ve never quite seen before. There’s a church, and you’ve sat inside day a few days before, watching the light stream through the stained glass in amazement.

A knock at the door takes you from your thoughts and you let out a sharp noise of surprise, gaze ripping away from the busy streets. A tremor shoots through you and you swallow harshly, waiting in bated breath.

“The shop’s busy as bees, today!” your landlord admonishes on the other side. You let out a relieved sigh, relaxing a bit. “If you want, I can still save you a loaf!”

“No, thank you!” you shout over your shoulder, reaching to close the window and get ready for the day. Sliding a warm vest onto your shoulders, you adjust the hat on your head and grab your bag from the counter, your bare fingers a bit cold and numb.

You burn at the thought of Reiner. You don’t want to see him, even if you live in the same city now, but all the same, it’s hard to avoid him. After all, it’ll only be so long before you’re forced to confront your past, push yourself into his way because how long, really, can you stay away from him? As you slide the white armband onto your bicep, your heart tightens. You’ve seen the man he’s grown into—handsome, tired, lonely. That only reflects in you.

Pulling your arms through your jacket, you stare at the woodgrain beneath your feet emptily.

Why am I even here?

Coming to Marley, of all places. Some days, you can’t wrap your head around it, before you’re reminded of the reason. It all has a purpose. You just have to keep going—keep moving forward.

Continuing through your loft, you shove your feet into boots and head out for the day. The festival’s tonight—you have lots to do before then.

Night slips in.

Reiner frowns when he realizes he’s walking back to the stage. He’s been trailing after the sound for a good half-hour, but considering they stay relatively nearby his final destination, he’s never felt the urge to detract.

He still can’t place the tune that’s been hummed, whistled, sang gently and leading him on, and as the sky darkens and the crowd noise grows louder, he realizes that his trail is slowly growing colder and colder.

“Hey, Reiner!” His head swivels to find Gabi waving at him and he meanders over, frowning a bit. “Where’d you go? The others said you wandered off.”

“I took a walk to clear my head,” he says dismissively, ignoring her frown deepening. “I see you’ve recovered from your food coma.” Immediately, Gabi’s frown turns into a pout and she rolls her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel fine.” He snorts, turning to survey the area. The others are milling about. Zeke and Colt are talking by the bench, and Pieck and Porco are off together, as usual. They’re not half as inconspicuous as they think they are. Finding Udo and Zofia, his brow wrinkles when he can’t catch sight of a certain blond boy.

“Where’s Falco?”

“He ran off earlier, saying he saw someone he knew,” Gabi says, waving it away. “He’s always being so weird. Who else could he know besides us?”

“What, are you jealous?” he teases, ruffling Gabi’s hair and she lets out a squawk, smacking at his hand. Chuckling gently, he surveys the area again as they walk towards their seats. Zeke and Colt give him a nod in greeting, one he returns.

“Why would I be jealous?”

“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?” he replies distantly. His eyes keep searching, a ticklish feeling at the nape of his neck. He doesn’t know if he’s imagining it or if he can really hear that tune still at the edge of his hearing, nagging for his attention. Sighing, he crosses his arms over his chest. “What Falco does during his free time isn’t on your need-to-know basis, Gabi.”

“I know. I’m just saying—he doesn’t even have any friends besides us,” she says pointedly just as someone calls his name.

“Mister Braun!” Falco skids to a stop in front of him, his forehead gleaming with sweat, even in the cooler night air. Panting, he leans forward on his knees, meeting Reiner’s eyes, and Gabi tilts her head, confused and agitated and betraying her previous aloof words.

“Where the hell did you go?”

Ignoring her, Falco continues to try and catch his breath, barely punching out, “Can you come with me?” before looking down at the floor again, his shoulders rising and falling so quickly Reiner almost feels bad for him.

He frowns. “Right now?”

“You’ll be fine,” Zeke assures. The two look at the older man who glances at his watch. “It shouldn’t start for a few more minutes.”

Reiner debates it for a moment. Then again, it’s not like he’s the number one fan of this show. His presence is for appearance’s sake at this point, and if Falco insists, then it must be something important. Sighing, he nods and Falco takes off again. Telling Gabi to explain his absence to his mom should he not return in time, he walks after the sprinting boy, his mind a whirlwind on the possibilites of why he’s in such a hurry.

Falco stops past a blue curtain that’s near a residential building and points at the arch, smiling. His entire face is flushed and Reiner cocks an eyebrow, approaching closer before hearing a soft voice singing. It only grows as he passes by the blue partition, and his heart picks up as his eyes widen.

“…The Captain's mind was not on greed… But he belonged to the whaleman's creed… She took that ship in tow… Soon may the Wellerman come to bring us sugar and tea and rum. One day, when the tonguin' is done, we’ll take our leave and go…”

He knows that tune. The sailors sang it in the port city after Fort Slava. It’s one of their sea shanties—it’s rare to hear them anywhere except by the water, and when he reaches Falco, searching for that voice, his eyes fix on a figure leaning against the archway underneath the building.

The woman in purple.

Falco runs up to her. A hand is on her bicep when she shifts to look at the boy, and Reiner’s throat swells as his legs move on their own accord. Time seems to slow as Falco turns around, mouth open in words that go in through one ear, and out the other.

The woman says something, and Falco twists back, frowning a bit, but she only nods encouragingly, and off he goes, running on ahead, down to the end of the pathway out of Reiner’s sight.

A strangled noise leaves his mouth as the blond slips from his view.

The woman in purple’s head snaps up at the sound, and Reiner’s entire body locks when he finally recognizes the face that searches his impassively. The white armband is covered still by her fingers, but when she pushes off the wall, it’s almost as if she bewitches him to come even closer.

And he does, his hand lifting up to reach for her. Reach for what has to be a ghost. No…

No, it can’t be. No. No, I’m seeing things, I am, I—

You lift your hand off your armband, and when his fingers meet your palm, he feels your warmth, the way your skin slides against his as he interlaces their fingers, and he chokes, entire body burning from the inside out as you fold your fingers over his palm, yank him into the shadow with enough force to unbalance him. You side-step and fling his hand off, let him crash to his hands and knees. Pain shoots up his joints and his eyes widen when he realizes his skin has scraped off on the stone.

“Hello, Reiner,” you murmur. He draws himself up, and there’s a strange lifelessness as he looks up to a face barely illuminated by light. You unbutton your jacket and crouch before him, arms on your knees. His skin steams and stitches itself back together and he swallows through a dry throat as your eyes flutter to the white wisps. There’s a raw damage lingering on your face, haunting like ghosts that should be long dead, before you blink.

Your long coat brushing the floor covers black armour, harnesses criss-crossing your legs and body. Your expression is severe, lips pressed in an impassive line, dark shadows under your eyes. The armband around your bicep is slathered in dark red, staining the symbol.

So that’s what you were hiding from Falco.

Reiner half-wonders who’s blood it is. If it’s the owner of the clothes you wear, or someone else’s entirely.

You lift your head, staring at Reiner properly for the first time in years. Clenching your jaw, you only look. You do not speak, you do not move. It’s terrifying. It reminds Reiner eerily of Captain Levi, with the same chillingly placidity, and he remembers how you used to smile so wide you’d complain your cheeks ached, how you would lean against him, clutching your gut ‘cause he made you laugh, and he had never heard a sound so perfect—

The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop himself. “What are you doing here? Are you insane?”

You barely move. Only tilt your head mockingly. “Probably.”

Four years has changed you into a taller, leaner, stronger soldier—and he can only soak that in. You’re…

His breath catches in his throat.

You’re beautiful.

But you’re crouching right in front of him, and you’re in danger. If Marleyans were to approach now, he’s not sure if he could lie his way out and that blood. How can he explain the blood on your sleeve?

You’d be left for dead, hanged for the crows.

The image flashes through his mind like cold dread, a trickling drip of an icicle hanging in his mind and freezing his spine.

No, he refuses to lose someone else. Not again, not you. Never fucking you.

It is why he demands again through a hissed breath,“What are you doing here?” Why he stands up quick enough that their heads nearly collide, and you straighten up as well, smoothly running your hands over your coat.

You only look at him deftly as if he is as inconsequential to you as a roach. You don’t even twitch as his hand reaches forward, fighting through the searing ache in his chest. “You need to leave. You shouldn’t be here. I can smuggle you back to the port and take you home, I—.”

Your stare paralyzes him and his hand falters. “I don’t take orders from you. You are not my commanding officer, and I do not need you to tell me what I need.” Your fingers dig into the bloody armband at your bicep and Reiner’s eyes widen as you tear it off, planting it on his chest hard enough his lungs spasm and he lets out a sharp breath. Your fingers spread out over his chest, you step closer. “I don’t need you to save me. Not from Marley. Not from myself. And not from you.”

His hand comes to cover yours, but you slip out before he can touch you, and he’s left with an armband in his palm. Clutching it in a tight fist, he stares down at it for a moment before shoving it in his pocket and turning around.

Your name comes out of him without even thinking as you walk past him, and it must still hold something because you pause, head turning slightly to look at him. “I want to explain myself,” he chokes out, and the corner of your mouth curls into a hollow smile. “Please.”

“Follow me, Reiner,” you order softly, and without question, he falls half a step behind you, eyes trained on the ground. His head is swimming at your presence, and his knees are gummy, stomach convulsing as he tries to come up with what to say. Or maybe, what to say first. He’s had four years to come up with a proper way to say it, and he reaches for his breast pocket, where the letters he’s folded away rest, with shaking hands.

“Please…”

“I don’t know what you think begging will get you.” Something stony falls upon your face. “I’ve had four years to get over the fact that you used me. Now, I think I just don’t care anymore. I’m sure you have your reasons, but I don’t know if it’ll be the truth. You’ve had no problem lying to me before in the past.”

“That’s not true.” He doesn’t know to which part of what you said he means. The last part, every part. “I never lied about how I felt about you.”

“Right. Like I wasn’t just some pawn on your chessboard. Some lonely girl you could use to entertain yourself.” Your pace doesn’t slow, but your tone is laced with anguish you try so hard to cover. “At least Bertholdt had the courage to look me in the face and tell me he was going to kill me.” You stop by a crate, labelled as supplies for the play. Maybe they contain masks, or costumes, and Reiner stops, his shoes skidding against the stone as you reach into your coat.

Pulling out a knife, you wedge it into the crate and pry the lid off and Reiner’s entire body numbs when ODM gear gleams in the straw. It looks refashioned, sleeker, and in two parts, and he catches your hand reaching for the harness.

Weapons, here.

You aren’t stupid enough to take on Marley on your own, which can only mean—

Shit, shit, shit.

Dread trickles through his body.

“What are you two doing—Oh, Vice Chief Braun!” You slam the lid shut and press your left arm flush against Reiner’s body, covering it up as someone on their right approaches. Your hand tightens around the knife still wedged between the lid, and Reiner sets a hand on your shoulder, dragging you so he can cover you up better and as a warning.

Don’t do it. You’re stiff against him despite the easy expression on your face, and he sets a harsh glare on the intruder. Let go of that blade. Your entire body is rigid with a hot energy he doesn’t recognize as your fingers only tighten around the hilt. Don’t do it—

“Sorry to interrupt, but those are one of the crates we need for the play. It contains some costumes—“

The performer looks stricken as you flash him an easy smile and Reiner’s blood freezes when the stranger seems to blush, voice fading.

“I actually work with Lord Tybur,” you explain easily with a tiny laugh, betraying the strength in your fist. “He wants to inspect it briefly before I return it. I think it contains the Helos costume? Gotta make sure every detail’s to his liking!” Your tone, innocent and cheery, floats through the distant sound of the crowd, and Reiner only stares at the performer who seems to shrink in his skin. Your fingers twitch when he hesitates.

“Oh, of course.” He scratches the back of his head, and you give him a gracious nod before he’s walking away.

You watch him go, and Reiner feels the way the air shifts when your smile fades away as soon as it came. You step away from him, loosening the knife from the crate. His hands burn as he reaches for your shoulder again, but you jerk back.

“You know,” you begin quietly, staring at the lid, “all this time, I thought I had actually found people again, you know. I thought you actually cared about me, but really, I realized all you’ve ever done is lie. Even after everything. Even after Marco died, and I told you how I felt about you, you just kept lying. Lying and painting yourself to be a knight in shining armour.”

“I tried—I tried to stop myself from caring about you,” he whispers raggedly, hands rolling into fists tight enough that his nails dig into his flesh, “but it happened anyway. That part of who I was was never a lie.”

“So you never saw me as someone you needed to protect? As this poor, lonely girl who loved you? Who fed your ego and—”

“Of course I wanted to protect you! I loved you, too!” he snaps and distantly, he recognizes this is the first time they’ve ever confessed that what they had… that it was somehow real and too good for him. It nearly makes him shatter. “How could I—“ He closes his eyes, teeth gritting as the flames inside him roar, consuming his heart. “How could I just stand back and watch you get hurt by the consequences of my actions? It’s because of me you were forced to leave the farm, leave that girl. Because of me you knew Marco and Mina and Thomas. You could have been so much happier if you never met any of us—I knew that—I just thought I could somehow—”

“Happier if I never met you,” you echo blankly before nodding to yourself. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds about right.” He flinches but you continue on, “In the end, it doesn’t matter, though. I’ve learned to not let the what ifs haunt me, because my time with you… it still means everything to me.” You shake your head. “That’s the truth. You dropped a building on me and broke my bones. Truth. You left me alone in those walls with Bertholdt dead and Annie comatose, and you did so knowing you are the last damn person I’ve got that I’d kill for. Truth.”

Reiner’s eyes widen as your words sink into his skin like a vicious poison.

So that’s it then. Bertholdt is dead and Annie… Annie’s still alive?

You don’t give him a moment’s breath to ask as you take a step forward. On reflex, he steps back, hands raising, and your eyes flash to his palms. One wrong move, and a Titan will overtake the square. He’s sure he can read the thought in your eyes, but when you look at him again, he only sees cold indifference.

“You nearly killed me, Reiner. So tell me…”

Metal flashes and a breath stalls in his throat as a cold knifepoint digs into the bump along his throat. It bobs when he swallows, lips parted, and you meet his eyes, every inch of agony he’s forced upon you glaring back at him reforged.

“Why shouldn’t I repay the favour?”

His breath stalls, and he looks down at your fingers, wrapped tight around the hilt, nearly shaking. He doesn’t know if it’s because you hold the weapon that tightly, or if you’re just as afraid as he is.

Either way, it doesn’t matter.

“Do it, then,” he whispers. “I’m the reason this all happened.”

Your eyes, wide, search his beseechingly and his heart crumbles to dust. Even after all this time, you still hesitate. Why? Because you think he’ll come back? That he’s… redeemable somehow?

Reiner envies that—he wants to believe that there is still good. But there isn’t. He knows it.

“I have a thousand questions,” you murmur achingly, as if the words are wrenched from your throat. “Over the years, I’ve tried to come up with some incomprehensible list. I couldn’t decide which was the one I wanted answered the most, but I thought why did it matter? After all, it wasn’t like I’d ever see you again. But here I am, now.”

As you lower the knife, the tip of the blade scratches his skin, light enough only to leave a white trail until it falls away, just like when he held you at blade-point four years ago, the tip of a sword digging into your sternum.

How poetic that he finds himself here, his life in your hands. This is your retribution, he supposes, and your mercy, fighting for control of your arm, but you sheathe your knife again with a sharp, smooth thrust at your hip. There’s a soft scrape before you set your hands atop the lid, sighing softly.

A terrifying glint lives in your eyes as you smile at him faintly, and hoist the crate into your arms.

“So, Reiner.” You tilt your head, gesturing for him to follow you down the pathway to a set of stairs that must lead to a deeper cellar. Somewhere he can’t transform in. Smart. You always were, but he doesn’t have the heart to tell you he’d never hurt you again, especially when he’s already done so much to prove that his words are empty. Yet, nothing is more important than protecting you, and Gabi, and Falco, but— “What do you say to a game of twenty questions?”

You flip a page. The day’s labour has you sweating into your harness, but all you want to do is just finish this damn chapter. Pulling carts out of mud like a damn mule wasn’t fun, but at least it had you busy. But, God, did you just want to relax for an eternity now.

Even after four years, you’d think your body would grow accustom, but every day, something new tests you.

“Hello?” a voice by your door calls and you look up from your book, smiling automatically at the kid peering into your room. He’s one of the younger orphans who didn’t come from the immediate wreckage of the fall of Trost but rather just a few months ago, you had found him in the woods, walking away from one of the smaller settlements.

You don’t ask, let him come and tell you more, and although you know his name, you know it’s hard for him to talk about anything else.

What you do know is that he is one that still climbs into your bed when there’s a thunderstorm, and that he’s a sweet, yet studious child with a knack for trouble when the girls invite him to hang out with them.

That doesn’t mean he’s any less attached. He’s probably the one who clings to you the most, and you get up, closing your book. Setting it down on the nightstand, you crouch in front of him and pat his head.

“Hi,” he says again.

“What’s going on, Xavier?” His red hair is still damp. He must’ve just taken his bath and he shrinks under your hand, probably to protect the clean smell clinging to his skin and locks. Lifting your hand amusedly, you tap his nose. He breaks out into a gap smile.

He lost his tooth just three days ago, and you remember how proud he was, bursting into the fields during study period to show you as you untied the horses from the plow.

“There’s a man who wants to see you.”

“A man?” You frown, looking over his shoulder. Placing a heavy hand on his shoulder, you pull him into your room, out of the way of the door. “Did he say what his name was? Or if he was military?” The kids know the military insignias. Praying silently to yourself, you glance uneasily at your nightstand where a gun is hidden in the drawer. You could probably arm yourself in time. Xavier tugs at your ear. You look back at him, eyebrows creasing as you glance over his shoulder.

“He said his name was Jean and that you would know who he was. He’s waiting outside.”

“Jean?” you repeat sharply, standing. Xavier flinches, looking up at you, and you scoop him up before heading to the nightstand, yanking open the drawer and grabbing the gun. Arms worm around your neck, and you squeeze the child closer to yourself as you quietly slip out into the hallway, towards where the other kids’ room is.

“Girls, close the door and lock it,” you order quietly, as you walk into the . The two sisters—Alina and Anya who share the room—look up from whatever they’re doing, and Anya gets up from her bed, but you merely send her a warning look as you “Everything’s okay. Anya’s in charge until I get back.”

She nods, and you set Xavier down but he doesn’t let go of your neck, hugging you tight to him. Letting out a strangled sigh, you slowly pull him away, cupping his face. Your heart is slow, steady, and you take a measured breath as Alina glances out the window that is right over their desk.

“I’ll be okay. I want to make sure we’re safe.” His eyes flicker over your face and you nod reassuringly. “You know what to do. Listen to Anya, alright? Try to get some sleep.” The redheaded boy nods and you stroke his cheek with a thumb before he scampers towards Anya’s bed. You stand.

You leave the room, shut it behind you as Alina draws the curtains shut, and your mind is thrumming with ideas of who it could be.

Entering the kitchen, you head to the porch with a quick glance at the window. There’s a figure leaning against the fence, back to you, and your fingers around your gun tighten. Draped in dark fabric and ash-brown hair shining in the oil lamps hanging on the porch, you can’t make out a face as you step into the bracing night.

“What do you want?”

The figure jolts to his feet, turning around. Edges dulled by the night, you can barely make out his features until he steps into the light, and your finger pad taps the trigger when brown eyes meet yours. Heart lurching, everything rushes back to you and you manage to control the sharp inhale, tempering it into a slow and steady breath that swells up in your lungs.

“It’s been a while,” he comments idly, and you swallow through the hard knot in your throat. Eyes flicking to the gun in your hand, the small smile that had been curving his lips drops away. “You’re a hard person to track.”

“How’d you find me?”

“It wasn’t easy, but Captain Levi saw that some of us were getting desperate.”

Four years.

Four years since you’ve seen any of them except Captain Levi, who only visits to make sure you haven’t been raided by bandits and killed in the months between his check-ins.

In that time, seasons have changed, you’ve sprained your shoulder, it healed; you’ve been thrown off a horse, and gotten back up. You had a period where you would write letters every waking second you were left alone in your room, debating whether or not you should destroy them or send them just for the sake of feeling like you had someone again.

All those letters are still wedged in a box under your bed, so there’s that answer.

Jean stands at the bottom of your porch and you nod, gesturing for him to come in. Your heart plummets as you do so. You don’t know why Jean even bothered.

He closes the door behind you, and you set the gun on the dining table before moving towards the stove, and you ask him if he wants any tea, gracious host that you are. He shrugs and you begin to boil some water. It’ll give you time to look him over as he sits down.

He’s grown the beginnings of a beard since you last saw him. And he’s taller. Way taller than you remember. He’s gotten more muscle, holds himself differently, he’s… still Jean, in all respects, but he’s…

Tired.

You’re sure that’s one word you’re looking for.

Migrating to the hearth, you wonder if he’s doing the same to you. Studying you like you’re a stranger.

You start a fire, feeding it freshly chopped firewood from the day before and stoking it before letting it feast.

You never liked doing that before. Swinging an axe down on wood, watching it split. Now, it’s the only time you get alone to your thoughts. You don’t have to focus on chopping wood. All you have to do is swing an axe until it’s nothing more than muscle memory. You can just… be.

Maybe it isn’t so bad. Maybe it’s why Reiner liked doing it.

You sigh, and grab the iron poker, keeping an eye on the stove. You don’t know if Jean wants to skip the small talk. You do, but mostly because you don’t like it when your old life comes into your new one. You can make yourself believe you can’t go back when no one’s here to remind you, and that the guilt won’t gnaw you until you’re only bones.

Absently, you remember Bertholdt used to like small talk—Jean seems less so.

“I have news. I don’t know if you want to hear it, but you’re still military.”

“Not labelled a deserter, yet?” you inquire dryly. Everything is moving so slowly around you, yet so quickly. It’s a terrible sensation. “I feel honoured.”

“Let’s cut the shit, alright. What the hell are you doing here?”

“No idea.”

“You disappeared! No one had seen you in weeks—we thought you were dead until the captain came back with strict orders not to look for you, but do you know how ominous that sounds?” Something bites at your gut as you stare into the flames, and Jean shoots to his feet, chair scraping against the wooden floor. “You were our friend!”

His words sink into your shoulders, but you only blink, staring into the growing hearth.

“Don’t you care? You left!”

“I don’t regret it. It’s not like I’m begging to become a Scout again,” you murmur, looking over your shoulder at him. A sort of tiredness pulls at your eyes, and you stand up again, walking around the table. “I don’t know what you want from me, Jean. You came to me first.”

“I want you to care. I want you to come back and fight. Aren’t you remotely interested in what’s going on?”

“I know we have a train, now.” The pot begins to boil and you move towards it, taking out a tin and small metal spoon. “Historia is doing well as queen. At least, that’s what people are saying. She’s expecting. If you ever see her, tell her I’m happy for her.” Scooping leaves into the teapot, you pour the boiling water into the porcelain and let it steep.

Turning back around, your eyebrows rise when you see Jean has walked around the table. There’s not even a metre between them as he tosses something at you. Catching it, you realize it’s a rolled up newspaper and your heart drops. At his nod, you pry it open and read the contents, fingertips brushing over two rectangular slips of paper within stating a time and terminal.

“What is this?”

“Eren’s gone to Marley by himself. Probably to do something stupid. I have two tickets to go and rescue his scrawny ass.”

“And?” Dread knots at your stomach as Jean closes his eyes, exhaling softly. Pleading, then: “Jean, don’t.”

“You’re the least compromised out of all of us. None of the volunteers would recognize you or would have been able to relay information about you if they have allies back in Marley, and despite everything, I still trust you. Which is more than I can say for Yelena and the others.” You snap the paper shut and toss it onto the table. Shaking your head to yourself, you walk away from him, but Jean only grabs your arm. “You still have a duty to our nation.”

“Don’t try to plead to my sense of national pride,” you shoot back coolly. “I have other responsibilities.”

“What, like tending to wheat?”

“Everyone wants to kill us, so yes, tending to wheat.”

“If we don’t find Eren, they will kill us. He’s our one chance of getting out of this mess alive. As crazy as he is, he’s our one ticket to freedom and we need to find him.”

Turning around to face him, you pull your arm free of his grasp. The lantern hanging is glaringly bright, and something knots in your throat at Jean’s somber expression.

“I fought for our freedom and you know what I realized? There will always be more people out there who want to take that away from us.” You wish you could sound passionate, but you just sound rough and tired. The bite tastes different. “First, it was Titans, then, it was the people we called our friends. Do you think that we’ll ever be free? That we’ll be able to live without a sword above our necks. Levi told me we’re devils in everyone else’s eyes. What’s it matter?”

“Because we aren’t what they say we are. If you lay down and show your belly, why did you become a soldier in the first place?” You jerk back and Jean leans against the table, crossing his arms. “I thought you fought for a dream. Something. Anything.”

“I thought I did, too. I’m just…” A hissing breath, and you pinch the bridge of your nose, turning away. Images of the lake back from their cadet years flash in your head. “I’m just tired, I guess.”

“Tired?” he repeats icily. “You think the rest of us aren’t tired? We all haven’t had the luxury to sit down on a farm and escape all our responsibilities.”

Head snapping up, your eyes find cold brown chips staring back. Bitterly, you grit out, “Excuse me?”

“Do you think there’s a day that goes by where I think about Marco and how I wasn’t there for him? We all lost someone. You’re not the only person who’s had to go through it. We’re all guilty of something, but at least, I didn’t give up! At least, some of us decided to do something about it!”

“Shut up!” A hand flies through the air but he catches your wrist and twists, pinning you down to the table. Another hand slams your other hand into the wood and you grunt as Jean wedges himself between your legs to stop you from kicking him. Eyes burning, you stare up into the face of your friend and in that moment, the sorrow overflowing spills into your chest as if you are a well and he is the flood.

He sinks, elbows clacking against the table as he bows his head. His breath is rushed, cool against your face, and you search his features before uttering out a quiet, “Why did you really come here, Jean?”

His eyes widening, his hands loosen. You try to suck your tears back in, but your eyes are burning so intensely you have to let them fall anyway just as there’s a sharp gasp. Jean looks up before he jerks back as if you’ve really slapped him. Sitting up, you twist to look at the doorframe, and your heart drops into your gut when you see a redheaded boy, eyes shining with tears.

“What are you doing?” he cries, and you immediately launch yourself off the table, crossing the distance towards him as Anya appears over his shoulder, helpless. The brunette girl’s guilt punches through you and you lift Xavier up into your arms, hugging him tight before wrapping another arm around the girl and poking your head into the hall.

Alina’s figure is a mere shadow at the end of the hall, and you sigh, gesturing for her to come. Taking off at a sprint, she charges down the hall and you bury your nose in Anya’s hair just as another body slams into you, latching onto your waist. You close your eyes as Xavier tries to snuggle even deeper into your neck.

“I’m okay,” you keep repeating. “Just a heat of the moment thing. I promise, he’s not here to hurt us. I promise.”

“Are you okay?” Anya murmurs, and you look down. The eldest girl’s pulled her head back to look at you. Her eyes are narrowed, perceptive as always, and her lips are upturned into a faint scowl. You smile faintly, running a hand over her head.

“I will be. Why don’t you take them back to your room?” you advise, and her eyes wander from you to Jean again. Catching it, you brush your thumb along her temple soothingly. “Go.” Reluctantly, she lets go of you and turns to Alina who still latches onto you like a parasite, but you rest a palm atop her head. “Alina.”

A sniff, and then she steps back, rubbing at her face. Her older sister takes her shoulders, easing her away and you crouch down as Xavier silently grabs onto your shirt tighter in his tiny fists.

“Xavier,” you soothe. “I’ll be back in just a moment, okay?” You tilt your head. “I promise.” Wiping at his tears, you wait for him to let go of your shirt on his own accord, and when he does, you brush his hair back from his brow and plant a kiss on his forehead. Anya calls his name softly down the hall, and he lingers for a moment more before walking away, head still over his shoulder so he can watch.

You stay crouched until he’s gone and then you let out a soft exhale, head dropping, eyes closing.

“We need you more than you probably need us,” Jean acknowledges quietly, and your eyes open again to look at him. He’s straightened himself up, watching you with softer eyes. He visibly swallows, and you wonder if it’s pity or jealousy in his eyes. “But, we’re outnumbered in trusted senior officers in the Survey Corps. You’re one of them.”

Quietly: “I shouldn’t be.”

He falters for a moment. “Yeah. Yeah, I suppose not.” He grabs the newspaper again. “But somehow, you are. If Captain Levi trusts you, then so do I. Bertholdt is dead. Annie’s a frozen log in a basement somewhere, and Reiner’s still alive. So are you.” He extends the paper to you. “This is what guilt got us. So what are you going to do about it?”

“Then, how about we go back to my hometown? There’s water nearby. We can go in the afternoons, eat all this food you’ve never had before.”

You haven’t seen a lake in who knows how long. Not since your cadet years, it feels like. Your heart yearns for the blue expanses, to plunge into the cold depths and gasp at how cold it is. You thought you’d given that up, but just there mere thought of it sends your mind spiralling into the images you’ve dreamed of since you were a child.

“Regret begets regret—don’t have any when you go, and maybe you’ll live a life happier than most.”

You know you’ll never forgive yourself if you never take the chance to see him again. Heart peeling in your chest, you grab the newspaper from him.

“They call it the sea, don’t they?” you finally ask. Jean nods. “A lot of water and there’s… there’s animals in there.”

“Yeah. They live in this salty water and… they eat seafood a lot in Marley. I don’t know if you know.”

“Reiner might’ve mentioned it before,” you say. You look down at the newspaper in your tight fist and swallow. All at once, one door closes and another opens, and you look at Jean, the date and time of the ship already burned into your memory. “He said he thought I’d like it. I guess I’ll keep that in mind when we go.”

Jean’s eyes widen as you hand the paper back to him, your palm scalding as you shove the ticket into your pocket. He says your name softly, but you only hold your hand up, eyes fixed on the floor.

“I’ll meet you there, I promise.” You turn towards the shadows of the hall. In the silence of the night, you hear the hushed whispers of the children you’ve dedicated your life to and your heart disintegrates in your chest. “I just… I need some time to figure everything out.”

“Of course. Whatever you need.” Jean’s feet shift along the floor. You look over your shoulder for a moment to find his eyes on you. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” you reply. “Feel free to stay the night. It’s already late.” He nods, and you flash him the weakest smile.

Then, you walk down the hall to your children. You have a lot of explaining to do.

You stubbornly try to ignore the tears tracing down your face as you reach into the compartment on your pants containing the letters. Reaching for it, you pull it out and crack it open, wondering if it’s even possible to bring yourself to read it.

“It’s not your last question,” Reiner had noted warily as they stood at the top of the stairs.

“Yeah. I guess we have to put a rain check this time.” You had set the box down, looking at him. You couldn’t recall feeling so warm, so empty. So convinced that there was something wrong with how much you still felt for him. “One more question, then?”

A nod, almost hungry for it. “Please.”

“Did you really, really love me?”

The gentlest of sighs, his warm yellow eyes. He had reached out for you, then second guessed, and reached for his breast pocket instead, extending the tin to you.

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.”

The entire cabin is quiet as you stare at the ring nestled at the bottom, atop the stack of letters that are wrinkled and must’ve been refolded so many times it’s begun to permanently crease in multiple lines.

No one’s dared to speak since Sasha died and you look up at the others before back down at the ring again before pinching it between your fingers and lifting it to eye level. You’re not sure what it means to hold it, but you gently close the tin with your other hand, feeling it click shut, and slide it back into your pocket.

The band is silver, rather simple, but it’s pretty, too, in a refined sort of way. There aren’t any gems, but there are simple engravings, lines that curve the metal, causing ripples along the surface and, without thinking, you stretch out your left hand in front of you, trying to gauge which one it’ll fit the best.

Sombrely, you slide it down your ring finger, and let it sit there, lowering your hands and curling them into fists and raising your shoulder, hearing a bone crack.

You’re exhausted.

The ODM gear feels strange on your body. It’d been a crash course to get you familiarized with the updates, and you hook a thumb on the strap on your rib cage before glancing at the others. Connie sits with Mikasa and Armin, and Jean is at the back by himself, rubbing at his face hard enough that his skin is beginning to turn red.

You don’t know what to say.

What is there to say? Four years have left you strangely numb.

Jean’s lips pull back into a vicious snarl and his head snaps up to find you looking. Then, everything seems to soften, and he looks away sharply, almost as if to hide his tears.

So you don’t say a thing. Instead, you walk on to the back of the ship, past him, where the prisoners are being held, and you open the door without a noise, first noticing the blond boy. Falco. He looks up at your entrance, eyes wide, and you give him a slight smile as you close the door.

You wish you could hate children for the part they played in killing your friend, but in this moment, you just feel nothing. Not even sadness. You had seen what Marley’s done in the friends you’ve lost.

“Hello, Falco.”

“You lied to me,” he whispers. “You and Mister Kruger—Eren,” he corrects himself. “You used me.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” you tell him, looking at the walls. It seems like a supply area, and you grab the bucket and rag that’s been left by whoever checked in on them last. There’s a few clean rags and you walk up to them, crouching before the blond first. He seems to flinch back and the brown-haired girl lunges at you.

You have no problem pushing her aside and pinning her down.

“Don’t touch him!” she yells. “You don’t get to touch him!”

“Calm down,” you tell her calmly. “I’m not going to hurt him, and you are in no position to be making demands at me after you killed my friend.”

Her eyes widen. “You’re a devil. So was she!” she spits as you slowly wet the rag and dab at the blood cracking underneath Falco’s nose. It’s clear whoever was here before only used the bucket and rag as a taunt. Probably telling them they could piss in here if they wanted. A coy coil of disgust wraps around your gut. “Don’t touch him. You’re tainted! You give all of us a bad name!”

Your nose wrinkles as the girl squirms under your hand and you let go of her. Cupping Falco’s face, you continue to wipe at his cheek. The water is cold. You hope it soothes what must be a flaring face.

“I don’t understand,” he murmurs dully. Exhausted eyes find yours. “Why?”

“I’m sorry. I have no idea why kids are suddenly soldiers in an adult’s war.” You reach to rinse the rag. Dipping it in water, you begin to wring it out when suddenly, there’s a sharp gasp, and you turn to look at the other child—Gabi. She stares at your hands, eyes wide enough a ring of white is around her irises and you frown. “What?”

“Where did you get that ring?” she asks, voice shaking, and you look down at your hands. “That’s… that’s Reiner’s ring. Where did you get it?” You don’t answer, simply stare at her for a moment, and her breath comes out quivering. “He doesn’t let anyone know he has it. It’s for someone special. That’s—he wouldn’t even tell me. He doesn’t know I saw him with it. He… he —it’s supposed to be for someone!”

“Gabi—“ Falco grabs her arms as you regard her softly, and you have just an idea of what’s going in her head as she points at you. “Gabi, calm down—“

“Why do you have it?” she demands ferociously. “It’s not yours! Give it back!” You drop the rag back into the water, and sit back, drawing your knees up to your chest and resting your arms atop of them lazily as tears begin to trace down the child’s face. “It didn’t even cost that much! You won’t be able to sell it to, you know! Give it!”

“Gabi!”

“You have no idea what that means to him!“

“Stop—“

“You spawn! You devil woman!”

“Are you done?” you ask her quietly, fingers twisting the ring and Gabi inhales raggedly as you look at her flatly. Her eyes widen even more if possible, and she allows Falco to pull her back. Her wet gasps fill the silence and you swallow, tilting your head at your hands. “If you really want to know, I don’t really have an idea why I’m wearing it.” You sigh, dropping your hands and letting your head fall forward. “As for how I got it, if you ever see Reiner again, why don’t you ask him?”

Falco’s eyes widen as you look up and finding him staring at you with a strange scrutiny, and your eyebrows furrow as he lets go of Gabi and straightens up from where he’s sitting.

“Mister Braun didn’t even hear what I said when he saw you,” he murmurs, brow furrowing. “Like he’d just seen a ghost. You and…” He struggles for words, voice unsteady. “Eren said you guys were all old friends. But… but, if he gave you the ring—“

“Shut up, Falco!” Gabi beseeches, grabbing his arm, but Falco only stares at you. “Are you even hearing what you’re saying? You’re accusing my cousin of treason! He wouldn’t!”

“He stayed with you for so long,” he continues, as if in a trance. “Even Eren wondered what was taking so long. He… called it a lover’s quarrel. You…”

“I think you two should get some rest,” you interrupt, pushing yourself to your feet and ignoring the smokey feeling clogging up your chest as tears slip down Gabi’s face and Falco’s face pales at your blatant dismissal. “It’s going to be a few hours until we land, roughly. You’ll want to get used to being somewhere warm before they transfer you to some sort of prison. It’ll be a lot colder there.”

Taking the bucket and the rag, you return it back to its spot before walking out the room and closing the door shut behind you.

You find the spot you once were standing at now occupied with Floch and his comrades, and then you turn your head to see Jean still leaning against the wall, arms crossed, expression burning the metal floor.

You amble over to him without a word and lean in beside him, sinking to the floor.

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miyanom · 3 years

Text

REUNIONS

MASTERLIST | JEAN KIRSTEIN X F!READER

synopsis: in which y/n was forced to stay behind on paradis during the raid of liberio.

warnings: Slight season 4 spoilers!! Please let me know if there’s anything else!

notes: I don’t really know what to say, except I hope you all enjoy! This is definitely not as good as it could be but I ran out of motivation at the end and just wanted to get it posted.

Y/N was nervously bouncing as she waited for the other members of the Survey Corps to return from their mission to Marley. When Eren’s letter had come in telling them about his plan, Y/N was one of the first to volunteer for the mission to the foreign country.

However, breaking her arm in training just a few weeks prior to the set date meant she had been left behind on the island while the others proceeded with the mission.

They had been gone for days now, having first gone on an undercover mission before Eren could give them the signal. Safe to say, Y/N was worried about the mission’s success, about the losses their army had taken for Eren’s plan.

Worried whether Jean and her friends would return home safely, or if they’d be burying another comrade.

Between the betrayals from Reiner and Bertholdt, the deaths of Marco, Ymir, and many others they considered their friends, the idea of Jean dying next constantly lived in the back of Y/N’s mind. Often haunting her every time she closed her eyes.

When Y/N was told she had to stay behind due to her arm still healing properly, the fear of Jean not returning came back ten fold.

Y/N glanced down at the bag sitting on her lap, one filled to the brim with food prepared by Niccolo for Sasha, knowing the girl would more than likely come to raid his restaurant upon arrival.

Y/N could remember the faint blush spread across his face when he told her the food was specially made for Sasha and her huge appetite, and to not let Connie go anywhere near it.

Though Y/N knew she wouldn’t have to do anything, the food would be demolished the second Sasha arrived.

If she arrived. That was another of Y/N’s fears, losing Connie and Sasha, her two best friends. While she knew she’d be utterly lost without Jean, she knew she’d be equally as terrified losing the other two.

In the darkest of times, they had all become each other’s lifelines. Y/N didn’t want to imagine a world with even one of them gone.

“Y/N!” The cheerful screaming of a familiar voice reached Y/N’s ears as the soldiers appeared in the distance, most noticeably, Sasha who was charging directly for Y/N.

Or the food Y/N had for her.

Knowing the girl all too well, Y/N held out the bag, watching as Sasha dived for it, holding it in her embrace as she came into contact with the ground, rolling till she came to a stop and quickly opened the bag.

“Sasha, where’s- oh, never mind,” Y/N sighed, knowing she wouldn’t get an answer from the girl currently scoffing down her food like it had been weeks since she last ate proper food.

Knowing the situation in Marley, Y/N knew that wasn’t the case at all. But Sasha had a habit of treating every meal like it could be her last.

“Y/N, glad to see you’re looking better!” Connie cheered, pulling Y/N into his embrace as Y/N gave him a quick hug.

“I’m just glad you two are okay,” Y/N grinned, before it faltered for a moment as she pulled away from his hug. “Where’s-”

“Jean,” Connie finished her sentence for her, a teasing smile tugging at his lips as he began to ruffle her hair. “He’s fine, on his way. Just dealing with Floch, you know how he gets.”

Slapping his hand away, Y/N rolled her eyes. Of course Jean was being held up by Floch, that guy always seemed to have a problem with something.

Time passed and Y/N returned to the bench she was formerly sitting on, now leaning against the wall behind it in frustration.

Connie and Sasha had stayed with her at first, but Sasha still wanted to go see her family and tell them she was alright, and Connie had chosen to go with her. The two were practically twins, and with what happened to Connie’s family, it just made sense for him to tag along.

Letting out a huff, Y/N stood back up, prepared to go search for Jean. Maybe even yell at Floch herself if it came down to it.

But before she could even take a step forward, she was being pulled into the other direction, into the arms of a figure so familiar she knew who it was the second his hand grasped her own.

“Jean!” She quickly wrapped her arms around him, all her anger instantly washing away as he held her close.

“Sorry it took so long,” Jean let out a sigh, watching as Y/N shifted in his arms so she could look up at him.

“Are you kidding? I’m just happy you’re here,” she spoke, lifting a hand to gently caress his cheek. He instinctively leaned into her touch, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment as he relaxed slightly for what seemed like the first time in days.

As Y/N stared at him, she noticed the bags forming under his eyes, a sign that he probably hadn’t been sleeping too well. She could understand why. What with being in Marley of all places, Y/N doubted she’d be able to sleep properly there either.

And then there was fact that Jean had been promoted to a commanding officer, in charge of certain soldiers who lacked respect.

Rather than mentioning the man’s noticeable stress, Y/N simply smiled. “I missed you.”

Jean hummed in response before he leaned in, softly pressing his lips against her own in a kiss, and once he pulled away, he spoke again. “I missed you, too.”

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aotxfan · 3 years

Text

Snakes in the Garden (Porco)

Summary: Unnamed female character is a spy sent to Marley by the Scouts. Her mission is to extract information from the Jaw Titan. Rated: M (Suggestive themes but nothing explicit)

Long Post under cut.

Nestled away in a quiet business district with the lights turned low and the music a soft hum in the night, she almost believed she had entered the wrong place before she had a chance to look around. The bar was not the kind of establishment she was used to back in Paradis. Unlike the bars back in her island with their loud music and slurring strangers, the Eldian bar in Marley was quiet.

A low song was playing from a live band and the people inside were each speaking quietly to their neighbor. A lifetime of secrecy in a country that despised the blood in their veins had taught each Eldian to be as meek as a dormouse. The Eldians at the bar were painfully aware of the guards stationed nearby and desperately sought to fly under the radar to escape notice.

Her frame lingered by the bar a second longer as her eyes scanned every which way.

This late in the evening, with the moon peeking behind the clouds, there were very few souls around. Most Eldians had retreated inside their homes by now leaving the bar mostly empty. Asides from a few stragglers still trying to squeeze out some last few moments from the night, the place was quiet.

Sliding into a stool at the bar, she bit the inside of her cheek.

Zeke had told her he would be here. According to the Eldian defector, Porco Galliard frequented the place more often than not. Zeke was convinced she would find him here nursing a pint of something at the bar with his head down and his walls firmly up.

Thus far, she couldn’t find him anywhere. She had memorized his photograph before leaving Paradis, had studied him and the other Warriors fervently before making the long voyage, but had, had little luck finding any of them.

The Mid-East War had just ended and most soldiers had returned. Zeke had told her Galliard had returned along with the other Warriors, but she had, had no luck finding him. He hadn’t dropped by his family home yet and his favorite haunts were devoid of his presence.

This bar was the last place she could think of scoping out before giving up. Hopefully he’d show up here and end her one way game of cat and mouse.

Motioning for a bartender, she drummed her nails against the wooden countertop. Being this exposed in Marley made her nervous. The hairs at the back of her neck were almost standing up as she bristled with every stare.

Since she had come to Marley on a spying mission from Paradis, she had been utterly careful on who she talked to and where she went. She never lingered in one area of Liberio for too long and was always sure to keep her head down whenever the Marleyan soldiers walked past.

Being at a bar in plain view and not tucked away in some alleyway was a change she wasn’t sure she liked.

Still, she was growing desperate.

Her orders back in Paradis had been very clear. She was to find the Warriors and approach them. The intel they offered could be valuable and a chance to learn more about their abilities could easily sway things in Paradis’ favor.

The bartender startled her out of her reverie when he appeared and asked for her order. She had no idea what names they used for alcohol here and hesitated as she tried to think of something.

Thankfully, she was spared a chance to answer.

A lone figure slid into the stool next to her and asked for a cocktail she had never heard of in a bored tone. The bartender accepted his order, and she asked for the same in response.

As he left to prepare their drinks, she eyed the stranger next to her.

The young man was tall with blonde hair and an aloof expression on his face. He slumped against his chair as if tired and yawned into his hand. When he moved his arm, she caught sight of a red armband against his black jacket.

Her breath hitched just slightly and she was glad he was facing away from her and paid her little mind.

She had studied each Warrior’s photograph and knew exactly who he was. Porco Galliard. Her target.

Well, I’ll be damned.

She quietly took stock of him as he waited for his drink. He had yet to notice her presence and was preoccupied with picking a piece of lint off his pants. He seemed to have no weapons on him and made no indication of being with a partner or friend for the night. That was good. If he was alone, she would only have to worry about chatting him up and not an acquaintance.

When the bartender returned with their drinks, she saw her opening.

Reaching for hers, she let her hand move just slightly. ‘Accidentally’ knocking into his glass, she jerked her hand to the side and sent it tumbling off the bar counter. His drink splashed all over his pants and sent ice cubes rolling down onto the floor.

He jerked up with a curse, and she jumped up too with napkins in hand.

“Oh! I’m so sorry!” She offered him a napkin and widened her eyes just slightly to seem nervous.

“-uck, that’s cold!” He tore the napkins out of her grip and scrubbed them against the front of his pants. Whatever drink had been in the glass had stained the white fabric, and the napkin only made things worse.

Irritated, he jerked his head towards her and she was met with his cold gaze.

“Nice going!” He growled out the words and bit back whatever other insult was forming on his mouth when he saw her shrink back.

She bowed her head and made sure to let him see how her hands shook when she extended another napkin his way.

“I’m so, so sorry sir! I didn’t mean to,” she offered another apology.

Sending a pointed look at his red armband, she made herself shrink in. Stepping into the role of her character, she led the charade fall into place all around her.

In this moment, she was a quiet Eldian girl who was terrified of being reprimanded. Having just spilled her drink on the lap of an Honorary Marleyan, she could only imagine the fall out. Her eyes were wide with fright and her hands shook as more apologies spilled out of her lips.

When his eyes softened at the display, she hid her smirk. It seemed the acting classes she had taken as a child in Paradis had served a purpose after all.

He accepted her apology and waved her away when she offered to give him her drink.

“Ok, I get it. It was an accident,” he sat back down and threw the used napkins away in a nearby bin, “Did you get any on you?”

His voice was still rough when he spoke to her, but her earlier display had gotten through to him. His eyes were no longer cold and she could tell she was chipping away at his walls. If she played her cards right, she could knock them right down the way the Colossal had knocked down Wall Maria in her childhood.

“I’m fine,” she offered him her drink again, “Here. An amend. I really didn’t mean to.”

Setting the glass in front of him, she didn’t give him a chance to reject her again.

Galliard opened his mouth to disagree then shrugged and accepted the piece offering.

“I haven’t seen you before,” he eyed, “Is this your first time here?”

She bit her lip the way she had seen other girls do when they were timid.

“It is, I usually don’t drink.”

He drained his glass in one gulp and motioned for the bartender to give him a refill. Without asking, he also purchased a new glass for her. She accepted him with a thank you.

“What made you come here of all places? This isn’t exactly a place where I would expect someone like you,” Porco asked. He motioned towards the bar to highlight his point.

By now, the live band had stopped playing and started packing their instruments. The last few stragglers were older men with white armbands on their coats looking for some last few moments of peace before returning home to their families.

Zeke had mentioned this bar was mainly for soldiers and men who needed a quiet place to wind down after a long deployment. It really wasn’t the kind of place a young girl like her would frequent.

“I wanted to try this place out. My dad spent a lot of time here before he-”

She cut herself off then and bit her lip again. The silence grew as she hesitated and he seemed to understand the hidden meaning. Her fingers tightened on her glass.

“The Mid-East War?” He eyed her out of the corner of his eye.

She nodded. “Yeah, we got the letter last month.”

His jaw tightened and he set his second empty glass down on the counter top. “Shit. Sorry.”

A gruff sympathy but still a sympathy. She looked away to hide the satisfaction burning in her eyes.

In preparation for the voyage, Zeke and Yelena had offered plenty about Marley and the Warriors. They had each taken the time to teach her about how to act and what to say to cruise under the radar.

It was Zeke who had stressed how to behave with the Warriors to her. He had spoken about each person at length and given her firm instructions as to how to proceed. She could almost hear his voice inside her head now repeating one of his many lessons.

“Galliard is a tough one, but he’s not impossible. He’s prickly like a cactus-huh, guess you don’t know what that is but whatever-it just means he has a harsh exterior. He’s going to be closed off when you meet and will probably not let you in easily if you just approach him. He’s naturally selective with who he surrounds himself with and suspicion comes to him second nature. If you flirt with him or try to get too close right off the bat, he’ll back off from you and assume you’re just another Eldian desperate to marry into Marleyan citizenship. Instead, you have to use his weaknesses against him. He’s still mourning the loss of Marcel. The wound is fresh, and he’ll be more likely to sympathize with someone who he thinks lost family to war too...”

So far, it seemed he had been right.

She let her shoulders droop and thought about her own father. Her real father was buried somewhere under the rubble of Shinganshina. He had died years ago when the Colossal had knocked down the wall and led all the Titans in. She had seen him and her mother get swallowed before running away.

Sorrow filled her and she clenched her teeth together. Beneath the pain there was anger. She let the rage steel her in her mission and reminded herself of why she was doing this.

Marley had destroyed her home and killed her family. She promised she would do the same to it. If Porco was her way to fight back, then she would play him like a song and wield him like a knife.

“Did you return from your deployment?”

She allowed herself to ask him a question. He had been swirling the last few drops of his liquor around in his glass and the ice made a melody as it thumped against the sides.

He shrugged and leaned back in his chair. “Came back some time ago. I was stationed in Fort Slava.”

She let some surprise register on her face although she had known that already. She knew a lot of things about him.

“Then you helped in the victory. I should be the one buying you drinks,” she offered him a soft smile.

Under the dim light, she thought she saw the faintest hint of color on his cheeks.

Unsure if it was her or the alcohol, she slid her second untouched glass his way. When he raised an eyebrow, she offered him a light smile.

“I’m not one for alcohol. Take it.”

He accepted the glass and took a long sip. She hoped the alcohol would make him buzzed. Maybe some liquid courage would help her loosen his lips.

The Jaw Titan had to have some intel she could gather. Compared to the others, his rank was lower since he was still brand new in inheriting his abilities, but he could be useful. Maybe she could use him as an in. Growing close to him might just let her have access to the Cart Titan and the others.

“You’re not going to ask?” His eyes met hers over the rim of his glass.

“Ask?” She tilted her head to the side inquisitively. Yelena had told her the action made her seem more innocent and less deceitful.

It worked. Some of the remaining tension in his shoulders receded and he wiped at his mouth with his sleeve.

“About the battle. All everyone wants to ask about is how the battle played out and what happened. I’m like a personal history book to these people.”

His tone was dry and he glared at the far wall. She stared at her hands.

”Galliard is bitter about Marley and the war efforts. He’s not obedient like other soldiers and will complain and bad mouth the efforts when he thinks no one will hear him. Don’t let that shock you. Just let him vent and make yourself a sympathetic ear, but don’t add anything to the fire. He’s likely to grow even more suspicious if he finds an ally in you so quickly.”

Zeke’s counsel replayed in her mind and she let the silence linger just a second longer than necessary. Feigning a wince, she tapped her knuckles nervously against the counter.

“To be honest, I’m sick of hearing about the war. All of the soldiers that fought with my dad keep writing about the battles he fought in and how brave he was. I could do with a different topic.”

He glanced at her and some of the ire melted away out of his gaze. He grunted under his breath something that sounded like a “good” and shook his head.

“I just realized I never got your name,” he eyed her.

The fake name Yelena had come up for her spilled past her lips easily. It was a common Eldian name that wasn’t likely to raise any suspicions. He accepted it without much thought.

“Porco,” he mumbled in turn.

The last few customers at the bar made their way out the door. She glanced out the window and realized it was almost pitch black. One glance at the bartender, and she realized he was just waiting on them to close up.

“I should probably get going, I start my job tomorrow.”

Porco stood up too and threw some Marleyan bills at the counter. She noticed he had paid for her too.

“You don’t have to-”

“I drank them, you didn’t touch them,” he shoved his hands into his pockets and waited.

She realized he was waiting for her to lead the way, and she finished buttoning up her coat.

“I’ll walk you home, yeah? Liberio isn’t exactly safe for a girl all alone at night,” He didn’t wait for her this time and left out the door in front of her.

She was glad his back was turned. It meant he missed the small smirk that played on her lips.

- - -

Despite the alcohol he had consumed, his steps were measured and easy. She apologized to him for being such a bother and making him walk so far.

He shrugged his shoulders and cut her off.

“I’m headed this way anyway,” he looked away.

He was definitely not headed that way. His family home was a good fifteen minute walk from where they were, but she didn’t say anything. Perhaps it was the liquor on his breath, but the tips of his ears had reddened just slightly.

Some confidence filled her and she ‘accidentally’ bumped their hands together. Withdrawing them with an apology, she caught the way his breath hitched.

Yelena had told her she was beautiful, and that she could use that to suit her mission. Galliard was a man same like any other. He had his weaknesses and a pretty face would help her.

The streets were dark which made her next move easy.

Pretending to trip on an uneven piece of the sidewalk, she let herself collide with his back. He managed to catch her before she could fall face first and his arm wrapped around her waist in surprise. She felt more than saw the way his face burned at the realization that she was now in his grasp.

Feigning embarrassment, she pressed her hand to her mouth and widened her eyes. “I’m so sorry! First I spill my drink and then I almost knock you over!”

She looked away and made her eyes water on command the way she had been taught in acting classes all those years ago. It was her experience that men tended to melt when they saw a woman prepared to cry. Some tears and a quiet sniffle got them to lower their guard down every time.

Porco was no different.

He shook his head and looked away. “It’s okay, you’re fine. Did you hurt your ankle?”

He seemed concerned as he traced his hand down her leg. It was an excuse to touch her, and she was grateful he hadn’t seen the way her eyes lit up in success.

She had him. Hook, line, and sinker.

Still, she couldn’t rush her hand. Zeke had warned her about seeming too eager to get close to the Warriors. They were a close, private bunch and wouldn’t let an outsider in too easily. She had to play her cards close to the chest.

She thanked him for his concern and placed her hand over his. His skin was hot to the touch and his arm tensed in surprise at the contact. He wasn’t used to being touched, yet he didn’t move his arm.

“My house is over there,” she pointed to a random neighborhood, “You can just leave me here. I don’t want you to have to walk all this way.”

He seemed like he didn’t want to leave, and she was smug. She really did have him in her web. Just a little more and he would fall in head first.

“Are you sure?”

He seemed like he wanted her to ask him to stay. Perhaps he was hoping to score her for the night. Maybe he had some pent up stress and figured a pretty girl was a nice way to relax.

But that wasn’t her mission. Her mission was much deeper than just a quick night.

She released his hand and moved away from him letting some formality fall between them. Her smile was polite as she shook her head and waved him off.

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry,” she turned away.

She feigned taking a step away from him before stopping. Moving fast, she leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. It was a coy move she had learned worked well on men. It was innocent enough to be dismissed as a platitude, but the way her lips lingered on his skin just slightly could be easily interpreted as interest.

He made a sound at the back of his throat and burned bright red. She moved her head away and offered him a quiet thank you for walking all this way.

As she turned away from him, he called her name.

“Wait. Can I see you again?”

He sounded awestruck and she was glad she had managed to trick him into drinking all that alcohol. His walls had lowered enough for her to sneak her way in like a Trojan Horse.

Lowering her head in a meek and shy way, she gave a polite smile. “Maybe.”

Then, purposefully leaving him wanting, she walked away.

- - -

After that first introduction, it was easy to continue playing him. Working her magic, she played him like an instrument.

The next day after that she arrived at the hospital to check on the returning soldiers. Zeke had forged some paperwork and gotten her a job as a civilian nurse. She assumed it was easy for him to do so since his grandfather had once been a doctor.

She had arrived to her first shift the next day-

Coincidentally when the Warriors were due for their checkup. Porco had frozen in shock at the door when he had walked in and seen her. He had hesitated and asked her what she was doing before she had feigned her own surprise and told her she was a nurse.

The entire time she worked alongside the doctor performing his physical, she had been aware of the looks he threw her. It seemed her little kiss last night was still on his mind. His cheeks were almost a permanent red, and the doctor had to ask him if he had a fever which only made them further redden.

After the check up, he had followed her out into the hallway and asked her to wait for him. He had struck up a conversation and a persona had slipped into place. Now he seemed much more confident than before, and he boldly asked her to get a coffee with him.

She turned him down.

The look on his face was priceless when she expressed her regret that it was unprofessional. After all, she was a nurse and he was a patient. She could get in trouble and lose the job she had just started.

Her rejection was a clever ploy. Just as Yelena had said, some men liked the challenge. He was one of them.

After her rejection, he further fell in to her trap. He continued to seek her out and ask her again and again. He always found some excuse to go to the hospital. He would walk in for the smallest of accidents, a cut he sustained during training or an ankle he swore was swollen despite being able to walk just fine. The doctors and other nurses seemed exasperated when they reminded him that he was a Titan and could heal on his own, but she always made sure to show up for every one of his visits rewarding his efforts.

Finally, when she was confident she had made him wait enough, she accepted his offer.

“One coffee, just one, and you don’t tell my boss, yeah?” She tried to hide her embarrassed smile behind her medical charts.

Triumphant he grinned. “Sure, just one.”

- - -

It wasn’t just one. They both knew it although each of them had their own reasons for thinking there would be more than one date.

One coffee turned into two which then gave way to three until they made it a regular habit to meet at the coffee shop after her shift. She was a pleasant person on their dates and they clicked well. Pretty soon, he was falling fast and she could tell.

It was like magic the way they clicked. They had the same tastes, the same hobbies, the same feeling about the war and Marley. They fit together like a puzzle and clicked so well that she could tell he was falling hard with every date.

Of course, none of it was luck. She knew him like the back of her hand. Zeke had made sure that she knew everything there was to know about him before she had left Paradis. She had studied him as if he were material for a major exam and had memorized everything.

She was his dream girl thanks to repeated efforts to mold herself to his tastes.

Finally, after maybe a month of dates, he bit the bullet. Blushing and showing up to one date with a bouquet of flowers she was certain Pieck had chosen for him, he asked her to be his girlfriend.

Making her eyes water on command, she had thrown her arms around his neck in reply and that was that.

- - -

Once she had managed to reel him in, she scored big.

Having a Warrior at her side was just the thing she needed to collect intel on Marley. Porco trusted her implicitly and thought nothing about telling her about his job. He made offhanded comments about some of the things he did for the military and thought nothing of the questions she asked. In his mind, she was just his loving girlfriend eager to learn more about his day.

She catalogued everything he said and kept a journal of information tucked underneath her bed. When he would leave after a long day together, she’d scribble down new secrets gained and walk towards the rendezvous location.

There, she would bump into a mysterious man on accident and slip the piece of paper from the notebook into his jacket as she apologized. The man, Jean, would pretend not to recognize her as he accepted the intel and would move aside.

Then, she would go about her day as if nothing had happened and be back at her home when Porco had returned from a long day of military training.

Exhausted, he would spill more secrets into her ear and ignore the way she always seemed a little too eager for him to share. Confident in his trust of her, his guard was down and he never put two and two together.

It was a shame really, his trust would only prove his undoing.

- - -

She hit the major jackpot when he forgot his lunch for the day. He had spent the night over and had woken up late. Forgetting to grab something to take with him, he had dashed out the door and left for his military training before she could remind him.

She had waited for him to return for something yet was relieved when she realized he hadn’t remembered. That gave her the perfect opening.

Preparing his favorite dish, the one Yelena had made Niccolo teach her over and over again back in Paradis to make sure she got the flavor just right, she had made her way to the military headquarters.

As a nurse, none of the stationed soldiers gave her a second glance as she walked inside the compound. When she asked to enter the wing where the Warriors trained, the men seemed more hesitant however. Still, a soft smile and some batted eyelashes worked their charm.

It is the weakness of men to consider women weak. They underestimated her ability and let her in easily. Her charm had managed to lower their guards.

They pointed her towards the area where the Warriors trained and let her freely walk there.

Zeke met her at the door. Sweat covered his brow as he panted from the workout he had just finished. He walked right past her as if he didn’t knew her and she pretended not to know him too.

To an outsider, it would have looked just like two complete strangers walking past each other to different destinations. A coincidental meet with nothing out of the ordinary.

However, the outsider would have missed the way Zeke’s hand had pointed to the left behind his back. Without glancing back, he had indicated where she could find Porco to help her in her quest.

She followed his directions down a corridor to the left and was rewarded with Porco.

His back to her, he was talking to some kids with yellow armbands. Warrior candidates.

She recognized them from the files she had memorized in Paradis.

Colt and Falco Grice.

At the sight of her, the eldest, Colt, frowned. “Nurse?”

He tilted his head wondering who had gotten injured and Porco turned. Surprise registered in his gaze for half a second before he extended a hand towards her. Affection replaced the shock and he nodded at her.

“What are you doing here?” He took the offered lunch from her hands, and she saw that he looked like he had been sweating. His face was flushed and he was wearing what looked like a combat uniform. It seemed like they had just wrapped up practice because the two candidates behind him were just as tired.

“You forgot your lunch, so I figured I’d bring you one,” she looked past Porco to the two boys still staring dumbfounded, “There’s plenty for you too, guys. I know how hard you all are working.”

The eldest one stumbled out a thank you as his cheeks flush. His younger brother thanked her with a charming smile.

Porco opened the bag and saw his favorite. His eyes lit up, but he cleared the emotion from his expression when he realized he was still in public. He handed the two boys their share of what was in a clear container then motioned for her to follow him alone down another corridor.

The room he led her to seemed like a break room. There were water bottles set up for the candidates and some tables. He plopped down and motioned for her to join him.

“How’d you know this was my favorite?” He popped a piece of the food in his mouth.

She smiled.

“Lucky guess.”

She was grateful Yelena had made her repeat the recipe until she could do it with her eyes closed. It seemed she had nailed the taste and Porco’s guard had fallen. He’d been letting her in more and more. If she had to guess, he’d become putty in her hands.

“You look tired,” she brushed some of his hair that had gotten stuck to his forehead, “No rest for the wicked? I thought they’d let you all take a break after the war.”

He hummed irritated.

“Nope. The candidates are back to competing. Colt, the oldest kid back there, has his spot set for the Beast Titan, but the other Titans are up in the air. I think Gabi Braun might become the Armored if she keeps it up.”

Gabi Braun.

She let the name flit around her head until she attached information to it. Zeke had mentioned that Reiner might be passing on his titan to his cousin.

Her lips pressed together. She was never close with Reiner back when he and the others were in Paradis. She was friends with Jean and Sasha, but the rest of their friends never truly became hers. That’s why Zeke had selected her for the mission. She was someone the others trusted, but not someone that would be recognized by Reiner the moment he laid eyes on her.

Still, none of this is the information she needed. She tried to think of another way to ask Porco for more intel. There had to be something he knew that Zeke didn’t. Something that can give some insight into what Marley had planned-

The door opened behind them. For a moment, she stilled panicked that it’s Reiner. Her hair color has been changed and cut and her eyes are a different color through the help of contact lenses, but she wasn’t sure the disguise would hold up. He might just recognize her at a glance-

“Pieck?” Porco raised an eyebrow at the new person.

A young woman supporting herself on a crutch hobbled inside the room. She offered Porco a smile of greeting then her eyes settled on her.

Pieck Finger, she realized. She knew a lot about her too. Zeke’s words replayed in her mind.

“Pieck Finger. She’s the current holder of the Cart Titan. Be careful with her. She seems friendly and polite when you meet her, but she’s clever and quick on her feet. She’ll smile at you in greeting all while suspecting you. Don’t be too over excited to be her friend. Just let her naturally come to trust you.”

Pieck’s eyes lit up and the smile that graced her face is rehearsed. Even as the girl grinned and joined them, she could sense that she was being picked apart. Clever as she was, Pieck had already started suspecting her.

“Is this the girl you’ve been going on about?” Pieck called her name and extended her hand.

She introduced herself and gave Pieck a polite smile. She hoped she seemed shy and awestruck. After all, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for a regular Eldian to be nervous when meeting a Warrior.

Porco ate the last of the food and introduced the two of them. He explained a little bit about how they met and Pieck paid rapt attention. A little too much attention.

She tried not to appear nervous as she felt her gaze. Hopefully she would be able to throw Pieck off her trail. Zeke had offered to help out if she gave the word.

“It’s nice to meet you,” she offered Pieck a warm smile.

Pieck returned it and leaned against her crutch. She seemed exhausted, more so than the others, and she recalled what Zeke and Yelena had informed her. Pieck’s titan moved on four feet. Because she was so used to spending months on end in titan form, returning to walking on two feet was always taxing.

Remembering that her cover was a nurse, she stood. “Are you in pain? I can get some ice.”

Pieck waved her away and eased herself into a chair. Her leg stretched out and she rubbed at her knee. “Getting used to walking on two legs, that’s all. If I had it my way, I’d just crawl everywhere.”

“She would,” Porco scoffed, “She scared the shit out of me the other day. I caught her crawling across the floor. For a second I thought she was an overgrown bug.”

“Ha, ha.”

Pieck turned away from Porco with a roll of her eyes and trained her gaze on her. The little spark of suspicion was there again. Zeke wasn’t kidding when he had said she was clever.

“I didn’t know you were a nurse. You look a little young to have completed the training already.”

The question was innocent and her voice casual. Still, she noted the inquiring tone there.

Porco isn’t someone who let others in easily. If he had suddenly brought in a girl into his life and let her in to the military headquarters, it’d be bound to raise some eyebrows. Pieck seemed suspicious although she wasn’t sure if it was because the girl was naturally slow to trust or if maybe her cover had already been found out.

“My mother was a nurse,” she answered finally, “She taught me some things. I managed to pass my certification with her help a year ago.”

“Was?” Pieck tilted her head and her gaze was now sympathetic.

She’d read Pieck’s file. Pieck had a sick father who she was supporting through the Warrior program. She was partial to those who knew what that was like to lose a parent.

She lowered her gaze to the table and feigned some sadness. “Was. She passed last year. An illness. The doctors refused to treat an Eldian.”

Quiet.

Porco bit his lip and anger burned in his gaze. Pieck had been reminded of her own father and the suspicion that had previously lurked disappeared replaced by empathy.

“I’m so sorry. I know what that feels like,” she closed her eyes, “My dad is ill too. I became a Warrior to help him.”

She nodded her head and pretended to brush away a tear. There came more quiet where no one knew what to say.

Suddenly, from outside, they heard two voices. The first she recognized as Zeke. The next made her tense.

That voice. It had been years, but she could recognize it anywhere. Reiner.

Nervousness clawed at the pit of her stomach. Her disguise was good, but it woud not have held up on closer examination. Reiner may not have been all that close with her all those years ago, but he would have been able to recognize her.

Porco glanced at the clock and groaned. “Looks like we have to get back to training. Do you want me to walk you back to the hospital?”

She shook her head just as Pieck stood up. “No, it’s fine.”

The voices grew closer. She could imagine Zeke trying to lead Reiner away, surely Colt and Falco had told them that the three of them were in there. However, she wasn’t sure she’d be out in time.

An idea sparked in her and she turned to Pieck.

“Sorry, Pieck, is there a bathroom nearby?”

Pieck glanced at her. “Sure, I’ll take you.”

She waved goodbye to Porco and followed Pieck as she limped down the hallway. They passed by a smaller set of rooms where she could see the back of Reiner’s head.

A sigh of relief left her when she realized she hadn’t been spotted by them. Pieck nodded to a door at the end of the corridor and offered her a friendly smile.

“There you go.”

She waved her hand and went back to where the other Warriors were. That time, her movements had been genuine. Whatever suspicion she had, had earlier had been erased. It seemed the little lie about her mother had earned her enough sympathy points to overcome whatever alarm bells had been ringing in her mind.

For some reason, a prickle of guilt had filled her as she bypassed the bathroom and left out a side door.

- - -

Some few days later, Porco had been in bed next to her. His hand had run through his hair and he’d tried to fight off sleep. He had been exhausted, they both were, and he slumped against her frame.

“Staying here again?” She lifted the blanket higher on his torso.

He glanced out the window and saw the dark outside. “Too dark to walk. That’s okay, right?”

She gave him a kiss in response and he smirked into it. He almost looked like he could go for another round, but ultimately his exhaustion won out. Reaching over, he flicked the lamp off and darkness filled the room.

“Goodnight,” she told him. She heard him whisper it back although his voice was muffled through the blanket.

The good thing about exhausting Porco was that he went out like a light afterwords. He fell asleep easily once he’d been tired out and became dead to the world.

She only had to wait a few minutes until his soft snores had filled the room.

She counted to 100 in her mind then stood up. While the information he had relayed to her had still been fresh in her mind, she scribbled it down on her journal. Then, she glanced back to verify that he was still asleep before slipping out into the night.

- - -

Jean waited for her at the usual place. His form overlooked the pier, and he accepted the journal page from her. He he slipped it into his pocket as she leaned over the rail.

“You’re doing okay, right? No one has suspected a thing?” He examined her out of the corner of his eye.

She ran a hand through her disheveled hair and hoped the love bites Porco left on her neck weren’t too obvious. A part of her always filled with guilt whenever she saw them in the morning although she was never sure why.

If he could tell what she had been up to, he did her the favor of not mentioning it.

“He’s not giving me anything really. He knows what Zeke knows and that’s it. Marley isn’t dividing up intel between the Warriors. They’re all briefed on the same thing,” she sighed.

Jean huffed and shoved his hands in his pocket. “You’re telling me. I’m not getting anywhere either. I can’t find the little suicidal maniac anywhere, and I’m sick of following random soldiers around. Maybe there isn’t much intel to be gained here.”

They grew quiet, and she bit her lip. Frustration gnawed at her coupled with something else. It pricked her and filled her with a sense of exhaustion.

It had been weeks and she’d gotten nowhere. Porco had completely fallen for her, he spent every waking moment with her, and Pieck teased him about how much he mentioned her in conversation. However, she hadn’t getting anything out of it. He hadn’t known anything more than what Paradis already knew, and she hadn’t been close enough to Pieck to question her.

It almost felt like all the scheming and lying was for nothing. The thought made her stomach turn.

There’s been a change in her, she knew. She’d been more hesitant to lie. When Porco asked about her mother, wanting to know about how a sick nurse could have been rejected by a doctor, she had felt the lie weigh on her. A mad thought had filled her, and she had almost broken down crying. For some reason, using him just didn’t feel like some exciting secret anymore.

Luckily, he thought her tears were a result of grief for her fictional mother and dropped the matter. Still, that had been close. For a second she had worried she would break character.

“I’m tired, Jean,” she closed her eyes, “Should I just go back to Paradis? It doesn’t feel like it’s worth it.”

Jean examined her and his jaw clenched. “What’s not worth it?”

Being away from home, having to watch every word she said in case she accidentally blew her cover, lying to Porco.

“I just want to go home. Don’t you get homesick?”

Jean sighed and closed his eyes. “I get what you mean. Hang in there, though. You’re doing great so far. You may not have a lot of top secrets to report, but Hange says your information has been really beneficial. They know how many fleets are in the military and where they’re kept. Galliard may not have Zeke’s top secret clearance, but he knows enough. Hopefully he’ll unlock Marcel’s memories soon and give us more.”

She bit her cheek. Porco had only unlocked Ymir’s memories so far, and those hadn’t been useful. He learned some things about Paradis and it’s military, but it wasn’t anything that put them at a disadvantage.

Thankfully, she had never been close to Ymir, so Porco never recognized her from the memories. Her identity remained a secret.

She glanced at the skyline. The stars had been bright and she realized she’d been out too long.

“Gotta go,” she shoved her hands in her pockets, “Before Pock wakes up.”

Jean froze and turns to look at her. “Pock?”

She stopped too. The nickname had just fallen out of her mouth. She could only imagine it was Pieck rubbing off on her.

“Must’ve slipped,” she rubbed her lip.

“Don’t,” Jean’s gaze was a warning in itself, “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

She knew the answer. It was written plainly on his face. His arms crossed and his jaw tightened. She felt like she was being scolded.

“Don’t get too close. You’re a spy not a lover. Don’t forget your place. Once this whole place gets attacked, he’ll try to kill you. If you get too close, you just might hesitate on defending yourself.”

- - -

She realized too late that she should have listened to Jean. After that night, her cover became harder and harder to keep. It seemed like every time she had to lie, the words got caught in her throat. Maintaining her cover became more difficult.

A few days after that conversation, she made her first mistake.

Or, as Zeke would call it, strike one.

It had been nighttime and sleep wouldn’t grace her. She’d stared up at the ceiling running over every interaction between her and the others. Her teeth had clamped on her bottom lip as she realized that she’d let them get too close.

By then, she’d befriended some of the Warrior Candidates. The kids were adorable when they teased Porco about his girlfriend, and she had found herself wanting to make them some sweets as she had watched them train. The idea hadn’t come out of a desire to get intel. It had just sprung up suddenly without cause or motivation.

The thought that maybe she was in too deep filled her with fear. Jean was right to scold her. She felt herself getting too close to the abyss.

Now she wasn’t quite sure if Porco had fallen into her web, or if she’d been caught in his.

Still, she had no time to dwell on it. Suddenly, Porco had jerked up next to her. A harsh gasp left his throat and he clutched at it. Panic rolled off him in waves and he swung himself out of bed.

A nightmare. He’d get those a lot. He often woke up screaming and bathed in sweat.

He bent over the bed as he caught his breath. She flicked the lamp on and called his name.

Wearily, he recovered. His breathing was harsh and some sweat ran down his forehead, but he ambled back into bed. He’d left a water glass for himself on the nightstand and downed it in one gulp.

“A nightmare?”

She ran her hand down his back without thinking about it. The movement had been performed as an instinct. It wasn’t a part of some grand scheme to manipulate him or keep her cover.

The thought worried her, but she shoved it aside.

Porco ran a hand through his face. She knew he hated being seen like this, but he’d learned to trust her. He eased into her touch and groaned.

“My brother. I saw that girl’s memories again. She ate him. I can’t get it out of my head,” he clutched at his temples.

Ymir. He was referring to Ymir’s memories. Ymir had been the Titan to consume Marcel all those years ago. It must have been torture for him to have to relive it over and over again.

“Want to talk about it?”

She knew the answer was no. He would much rather pretend it never happened and curl back into bed. Still, she asked him automatically.

As she predicted, he shook his head.

“Nah, sorry to wake you,” he raised the blanket back over himself and closed his eyes.

“Try to think of the good memories with Marcel instead, yeah?”

She didn’t realize she’d said anything wrong until she felt Porco tense next to her. She blinked for a moment before the color drained from her face.

Marcel

Porco had never once told her his name before. He always referred to him as his brother, but had never given a name.

She supposed maybe she could get him to believe that the names of the Warriors were well known to everyone, but she had already lied before that she didn’t know the other Warriors. She had feigned not knowing who Reiner and Zeke were before in a conversation earlier, so she doubted he would believe she now knew the names of the Warriors from town gossip.

“How did you know he was named Marcel?”

Porco’s eyes scanned her. For a second, there’d been a spark of something suspicious. It looked like he’d been tensing up, and she imagined his natural inclination to be weary of people was rising.

She feigned being nonchalant as she lifted the blanket to her chin. Faking sleepiness, she yawned.

“You call his name in your sleep a lot. Whenever you have nightmares, you scream it.”

She was glad her voice sounded normal because her heart was pounding in her chest. If he didn’t buy that, her cover might be blown.

She could feel him staring at her. The gears were working in his head, and she could imagine the internal battle. He didn’t sleep talk, years of sleeping in the barracks would have given it away if he did, but he wanted to believe her.

Guilt gnawed at her as she realized that he really did want to believe her. He trusted her, cared for her, and told himself that she was credible.

The suspicion faded from his eyes as the love in him won out against the warning signs. He eased back into bed and curled an arm around her waist. Nuzzling into her, he closed his eyes.

“Sorry, I didn’t know I talk in my sleep. I hope I don’t wake you.”

She didn’t relax until after his breathing against her neck had evened out. Once he’d slipped into the realm of sleep, she squeezed her eyes shut.

She’d messed up, and the thought filled her with dread. She would have never made a mistake like that before, so why now? Why was it suddenly growing harder to keep the charade going?

She slumped against his form and squeezed her hands into a fist. She needed to be more careful from now on.

- - -

Strike two happened some days later. She and Porco had gone to the pier to watch the kids train. Pieck had been waiting for them when they arrived.

Gabi was competing with Falco for the lead while Udo and Zofia hung back. Pieck laughed quietly to herself as Porco leaned against the rail.

“Think she’ll win?” Pieck asked.

“Doesn’t she always?” Porco responded.

He yawned into his hand. Lately, his nightmares had been troubling him more and more. Between Ymir’s memories and the stress of having lived through the Mid-East War, there was always some vision that tormented him.

“I’m way too tired. I should go get some coffee,” he groaned.

“Get me one too?” Pieck blinked up at him.

“I didn’t offer to buy you one-”

“Buy us some, Pock? Please?” She helped Pieck beg.

Stuck between the two of them, Porco groaned. He fished around for his wallet, made sure he had enough, and scoffed.

“Fine. I’ll buy YOU one, but Pieck has to pay me back later for hers.”

Pieck laughed quietly and called him mean. He offered her a rude gesture as he walked away in search for a coffee place.

Once he was gone, Pieck was quiet once more. The kids had finished and Gabi had pulled through again. Falco dropped down and panted as Zofia and Udo joined him.

“She’s good. I think she’ll inherit her cousin’s titan eventually. The Brauns are really proud,” she leaned against the rail.

“I can’t imagine it’s easy though. Knowing that your daughter or niece is going to take over her cousin. It must be hard,” she rested her chin on her hand.

Pieck sighed quietly. “It is, but being an Honorary Marleyan is worth it. I’m surprised you never joined the Warrior Program. I’ve seen you run and carry heavy boxes. You’re strong and could have made it far.”

She ground her teeth and hoped that Pieck hadn’t caught on to the fact that she had military training. She wasn’t a war nurse, so she wouldn’t be able to excuse why she was strong. Maybe she’d have to let Porco carry a few heavy things in the future. She should let herself appear weaker.

“My parents didn’t want me to.”

Pieck raised an eyebrow. “Your parents missed out on a chance to get citizenship? Why’s that?”

Without thinking, she sighed. “My mother would have hated the idea of me joining the military. She only ever wanted me to be safe. She was squeamish about blood and would have hated imagining me covered in it had she been alive to see it.”

She thought back to her real mother. The woman that died in Shinganshina would have hated that her daughter became a soldier for the Corps. All she ever wanted was for her to daughter to live a peaceful life as a seamstress just like she had been. If she could see her daughter now, she’d be appalled.

Pieck was quiet for a second and a frown crossed her features. She realized too late her mistake and stilled her movements.

“Blood made her squeamish? I thought she was a nurse?” She turned to her and the suspicion that had previously been erased sparked back to life. “And you talked about her in the past tense when you would have been offered to be a Warrior as a kid. I thought she died last year?”

“I-”

Her brain stopped working and she tried to come up with some excuse. She needed lie that would make the suspicion die down. Her thoughts were in disarray and she panicked.

In the end, she never got a chance. Porco returned with three coffees and grumbled about how he was sure the barista over charged him. He passed them out to the two of them and eyed them.

Pieck was still looking at her with weariness, and she’d tried not to let her fear show.

“Did something happen?” Porco gazed at her with concern.

It was Pieck who recovered first. She raised her coffee to her lips and looked away towards where the kids had started running again. She dropped the matter although she was sure she hadn’t forgotten her little slip up.

“Nothing, but I should head back. Don’t forget we have a meeting.”

She waved goodbye and left.

She watched her go and felt dread pool at her stomach. Zeke had warned her to be careful near Pieck. She was clever and would pick up on stuff if she wasn’t careful.

Strike two.

- - -

Strike three came two weeks later. Porto dropped something and searched underneath her bed for it. His hands groped blindly for the item when he suddenly stopped.

Her heart froze in her chest when he pulls out her journal.

He raised an eyebrow and got cocky grin. “What is this? Your diary or something?”

Before she could stop him, he cracked it open.

She dove for it, but he snatched it up and raised it over his head. He was taller than her and he laughed as she jumped. She tried to get to it, but he would only bring it up higher the more she struggled.

“Are you that embarrassed to let me read it? What, is it full of your fantasies?” He laughed.

Panic filled her and she turned on him.

“Give it back!”

Her voice came out harsher than she intended. The fear in her stomach had turned to lead, and her tone sounded cold.

Porco stopped and realized that she was serious. He lowered his hand and handed her the journal back. “Woah, I was kidding. I wouldn’t really invade your privacy like that. You okay?”

She huffed and shoved the journal back under the bed. Her ears burned and she felt like crying from the residual panic.

She had been so close to getting her cover blown. She hadn’t had time to rendezvous with Jean yet, so the previous few notes she’d collected were still tucked inside. If he had read them-

She shivered and turned to him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell,” she let a tear slip down and was grateful when she saw him soften at the sight, “It’s just that I’ve had my journals read before and it’s a violation of privacy.”

She sniffed again and he wiped the tear away. He wasn’t one to openly show affection, but she knew that her tears were a good way to get him to soften. It felt awful to manipulate him in that way, but everything about the mission had felt awful for a while.

“I wouldn’t have actually read it,” he looked away, “I was just messing around.”

She nodded and decided to let the matter drop. Turning away, she offered to make them both dinner.

He accepted the change in conversation and went back to his search for his missing item.

As she left the room, she missed when he calls her name. One of the loose sheets of paper had fallen out of the journal in the kerfuffle. He picked it up to hand it back to her, but she was already gone.

Sighing, he intended to shove it under the bed with the journal when he spotted his name on it. Confused, he unrolled it and glanced at its contents. Inside was a collection of notes regarding troop placements.

Confusion and something cold filled him and he shoved it into his pocket intending to look at it more closely later.

From the kitchen, she missed the way his eyes seemed to darken.

Strike three. You’re out.

- - -

She met with Jean that day and decided to give him the entire journal. The fear of almost being found out had left a bad taste in her mouth. To make matters worse, Porco had been acting off all afternoon. Rather than spending the night like he usually did, he had left mumbling something about a late night meeting with the other Warriors. She hadn’t been sure if he had forgiven her for yelling yet.

Jean took the journal with a raised eyebrow.

“All of it? You don’t want to keep writing notes?” He slipped it into the inside of his coat.

She rubbed at her arms and shook her head. “He almost read it, Jean. I managed to take it in time, but what if he had read it? Our cover would have been blown. I’ve never been that scared before.”

Jean hissed under his breath. He pinched the bridge of his nose and his voice grew cold.

“Be more fucking careful next time! If he had read it, all of this would have been over. You have any idea what they’ll do to you if they find out? What he’ll do to you?”

“He wouldn’t hurt me,” she spilled it out without thinking.

Jean openly gaped at her and she paled.

“I mean-”

“Fuck, listen to yourself. Are you sure you’re not the one wrapped around his finger?” Jean kicked at the pier in frustration, “This is getting too bad. You almost got caught and now you’re in over your head. The last thing we need is you turning coats because you caught feelings.”

“I didn’t!” She hissed it at him and hit him in the arm hard.

She wasn’t sure why she lashed out, but the pent up anger and fear from before suddenly rushed out. She hit him again and hissed into his ear. “Stop doubting me. I’m a soldier same as you. Don’t underestimate me.”

He shoved her arms to the side and pinned them down. His arms held her steady and she was suddenly pinned into his embrace. His gaze burned with rage and a warning.

“Yeah, well act like a soldier. Stop letting him get too close and stop forgetting what you’re here for. Get the intel and that’s it. No more dates or fantasizing. Don’t forget why we’re here and be more fucking careful next time.”

He let her go and she rubbed at her arms in anxiety. “I’m sorry for hitting you.”

“Whatever,” he shrugged off her apology, “Just don’t lose your head. Your life is on the line. Paradis is on the line. Don’t forget that. Don’t let your feelings cloud your judgement.”

She stared after him as he left. Her eyes burned and she felt some tears run down her face. He was right and she knew it.

She was on a mission. This wasn’t a game. Her life was on the line, and her home would pay the price if she failed. This wasn’t some romance novel. If her cover was blown, she was sure Porco wouldn’t hesitate to turn her in.

Her hands covered her eyes and she leaned against the railing of the pier. The wind blew her hair back. She stayed there thinking about everything and how it was all going wrong-

And she never noticed the girl staring from yards away with pursed lips.

- - -

A hand suddenly yanked her into a room, and she almost screamed. The only thing that kept her from shrieking was the hand that clamped her mouth shut.

Someone made a ‘shushing’ sound. Their finger pressed to their lips and she blinked.

Zeke.

She shoved him off shocked. “The hell are you doing? What if someone saw?”

They were in the military headquarters. She came to meet Porco for lunch when suddenly she was abducted.

Zeke had yanked her into some sort office. He shook his head and locked the door. His face was tense.

“We had a meeting earlier in my office. I left afterwords to deliver some paperwork and heard talking when I got back. It was Pieck and Porco. Something happened.”

Dread filled her.

“What?” She breathed out the word and knew what he was going to say before he said it.

“Pieck saw you last night with a man. She told Porco he had you in an embrace. She’s concerned you haven’t been honest with them,” he plopped down on a chair, “Something about your mother too?”

Grinding her teeth, she felt a sense of dread.

Jean. Pieck had seen her with Jean. She felt lightheaded as she realized that. Did she overhear their conversation too or just spot them from a distance? Either way, this was really bad.

“And what did Porco say?”

“He told her she was wrong. Sounded like he was trying to convince himself though. I couldn’t hear more than that because Colt called my name and gave my presence away. Once they heard I was back, they stopped talking. I don’t know what else they know, but I think you’re cover is breaking.”

He seemed irritated as he pushed his glasses up.

“I thought you were more careful? We trained you for months. What happened?”

She ran a hand through her hair. She knew exactly what had been happening and it frightened her. Jean had been right this entire time. This mission had been messing with her head in ways she never imagined. She needed to get out of Marley as soon as possible.

Ignoring Zeke, she opened the door to the office. Taking a step forward, she spotted Porco stalking angrily through the halls. His face was flushed in irritation and he clenched his fists in his pockets.

“Pock?” She called out to him and closed the door behind her. Hopefully, Zeke would get the message and know to stay inside. They shouldn’t be seen together considering they hadn’t formally met before.

Porco stopped at her voice and spun around. Something passed through his eyes, something cold, and she tensed. A fight or flight instinct rose in her. If he’d caught on to things already, this was really bad.

But the moment passed quickly, and his arm draped around her shoulder.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

“Came to invite you to lunch,” she replied.

She tried to steer him away from the room. He glanced behind the door in thought.

A ball of fear sank in her stomach. She’d had no idea that he was outside the hall when she stepped out. Hopefully he hadn’t seen what room she emerged from.

She found herself talking in order to fill the silence. “There’s a restaurant you like around the corner right? We should eat there?”

He blinked slowly. “Yeah, how’d you know? Have I ever taken you there?”

“Pieck told me,” she lied. She didn’t wait for him, she took his hand and tugged him behind her. Her thoughts were buzzing in her head, and she clamped her teeth down on her tongue.

Zeke had been right. She was trained for this mission, so why did she keep making stupid mistakes? At what point did she stop being the confident spy?

As they left, she heard the door open behind them. Zeke emerged fixing the collar of his shirt.

Behind her, she saw Porco turn around. When his eyes landed on Zeke’s retreating figure, he tensed. She and Zeke hadn’t been introduced yet. There was no reason for the two of them to have been in the same room together.

She waited for him to ask, to question, but he never did. Instead, he turned back around and moved in front of her. He let her lead him away to that favorite restaurant of his that she had no way of knowing about. His gaze the entire time was full of distrust, but he never voiced it out.

Still, she felt the widening distance between them and held back her wince. Jean and Zeke were right. Her cover was cracking.

- - -

She waited for Porco to initiate a conversation. The entire day she’d felt the gap between them widening. He felt tense and kept glancing at her almost as if he wanted to gear himself up to ask her something.

But the confrontation never came. Instead, he let her ramble about her day and responded with small snippets of conversation. In the end, they returned to her home and he let her lead him to her room.

When they made love, something felt off. His thoughts were a million miles away from her, and he seemed distracted. His movements felt robotic, and she couldn’t help but notice the walls he’d slowly brought up.

The conversation with Pieck had done a number on him. She knew he was desperate to ask about the mysterious man she had embraced. He also probably wondered about a million other things that didn’t fit, mistakes she’d made that would give anyone pause, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak them out loud. Perhaps he thought that, if he said something, it would make everything more real.

She almost wished he would say something. Even if it meant that her cover was exposed and she had to flee, she figured anything was better than this uncomfortable chasm that had widened between them.

Still, he never said anything. He slept with her the way he had in the past and only ever said her name in the heights of pleasure. Even though he couldn’t bring himself to look at her in the eyes, he kept his mouth shut.

The only time that night that he spoke was when he reached his limit. Groaning as he finished, he presses a harsh kiss to her lips. Then he sounded out something that made her blood freeze.

“I love you.”

Three little words and her world fell apart. He’d never said it before. She never imagined he’d be the type to say it.

As he started to drift off exhausted, she ran a hand through her hair. Her heart was racing, and there was an awful pain somewhere in her chest. She felt like crying but fought it off.

After he’d fallen asleep, she put her head in her hands.

“I love you too, Pock.”

With growing horror, she realized she was telling the truth.

- - -

He didn’t bring it back up again. She wondered if he even remembered saying it. Maybe it had slipped out in a moment of pleasure, and he didn’t really mean it.

She wasn’t sure which alternative she preferred. The one where Porco loved her or the one where he had just said it on instinct in the middle of sex. Both made her feel sick.

The festival came faster than it should. The kids laughed and had fun as they raced from stall to stall.

The Warriors had separated into groups. She and Porco had joined Pieck to walk along the displays while Reiner had gone with the kids. She was glad that Porco in his possessiveness had not wanted them to meet. She wasn’t sure whether Reiner would recognize her or not, and she couldn’t risk it with Pieck around.

Pieck had grown distant. Gone was the friendly girl who smiled and laughed. After seeing her with Jean that night she had been openly suspicious.

The thought made her nervous. Best case scenario, Pieck just thought she was unfaithful. Worse case scenario, however, she knew she was lying about who she was. Still, both options were awful.

“Wanna try those foods over there?” Porco nodded at the booth selling something that smelt spicy and exotic. The name of it was in some language she didn’t know.

“Sure, we can eat them by the music area,” Pieck hummed.

Porco offered to go buy them some of it and left. Left alone with Pieck, she shifted uncomfortably.

Pieck eyed another stand nearby selling some dessert. It was covered in chocolate and strawberries. It looked good and was within their price range.

“We should get some of that too. It isn’t every day Liberio has a festival,” Pieck motioned for her to join.

“Anything catch your eye?” She asked Pieck. The booth had individually wrapped each sweet and had a flavor tag in front displaying the various kinds. There were berries and nuts and a bunch of other little toppings that they could choose from.

“What do you think Pock would like? Does he have any allergies?” Pieck glanced at her.

She thought back to the file that she read in Paradis.

“Nuts, I think.”

Pieck hummed and grabbed the one with nuts anyway. When she gave her a questioning glance, she realized Pieck’s eyes had turned cold. She’d failed some type of test, and she realized it too late.

“Really? Because I saw him eat some walnuts the other day. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure he outgrew that allergy years ago. I don’t know why he would mention it to you now.”

She froze.

The file Zeke gave her must not have been up to date. Some kids outgrew allergies as they grew older. The stupid Marleyan record keepers must not have known to update Porco‘s file once he was an adult.

“Really? I thought he mentioned it earlier,” she tried to sound nonchalant.

It did nothing to help her. This time, Pieck had completely turned cold. Her eyes were harsh and she took a step forward.

“How did your mother really die? Your file at the hospital doesn’t make sense. The name listed under her doesn’t exist-”

“You looked through my file?” Her voice sounded faraway.

Pieck glanced to the side. Porco was returning with the food. Her cold gaze disappeared replaced by something that looked friendly yet false.

“We should join Pock before he eats our share too,” she replied. She slipped a hand around her shoulder and led her away.

She didn’t miss the quiet little whisper Pieck offered her way as they walked. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears.

“Don’t be mad at me for looking through your file. After all, you looked through mine.”

- - -

She found Jean at the rendezvous location that night. She grabbed onto his arm in panic. He startled and his eyes widened.

“What happened? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

“My cover’s blown. The Cart Titan is smarter than we thought. She’s guessed I’m lying. I need to leave Marley before she tells the military.”

Jean swore.

“Ok, ok, I can send a letter to the Scouts. We can send you back in a few days from now. Just wait until Tybur’s speech. Eren sent a letter and told us he plans to attack Liberio then. Just wait for the zeppelin to pass by. I’ll get someone to send you some ODM gear and you can use it to shoot yourself up. Just play everything normal.”

She pressed her hands to her face.

“Pieck found out. I fucked up. She was already starting to trust me, but then I opened my mouth. I bet she’s already told the others.”

Jean glanced around them. The pier looked empty, but they shouldn’t hang around too often.

“Just relax, alright? As long as the Marleyan soldiers don’t pound down your door, you’ll be fine. Just a few more days. In the meantime, just avoid her.”

He shoved his hands in his pocket and turned to leave.

She watched him go and felt like vomiting. Her mission had fallen apart, and she was terrified of what was coming. Either she would be dragged out by soldiers in the morning, or she would have to wait for an attack that would kill many civilians.

Frightened, she realized Porco would fight in that attack too. As a Warrior, he would be there when his people were killed. Would he realize then that Pieck was right? Realize that she had been a spy this whole time? Would it hurt him the way it was hurting her?

Once upon a time, she wanted to break him and the other Eldians just like they had broken through Wall Maria. She wanted them to hurt as much as she had hurt when her family had been killed in Shinganshina.

But now, with the rage fading to a dull roar and a searing pain in her chest taking its place, she couldn’t help but feel like the only thing she had managed to break was her own heart.

- - -

He was awake when she returned to her home. The lamp light was turned on as she entered the room. He blinked sleepily at her and cleared his throat to rid his vocal chords of sleep.

“Where were you? I woke up from a nightmare and you were gone. You didn’t answer when I called your name,” he eyed her.

She kicked off her shoes under the bed.

“I was getting some water downstairs. Sorry, I didn’t hear you,” she replied.

He didn’t believe her. She knew it when she looked at him. Her hair was disheveled from the wind, her shoes had sand from the pier, and her skin smelt like saltwater. He didn’t believe her-

But he wanted to.

She saw how he closed his eyes and let himself believe her. Every instinct of his warned him that she was lying, surely Pieck had warned him a thousand times too, but his heart triumphed over his brain. He accepted the lie from her and let it cloud his judgement.

Easing himself back into bed, he let out a soft sigh that sounded defeated and pained. Her heart gave a lurch.

“Yeah, yeah, maybe I was wrong.”

As he fell back asleep, she knew he didn’t just mean about her whereabouts.

- - -

Tybur’s speech came before she realized it. Jean had warned her not to stay for it. A day earlier, Yelena had stopped by dressed as a Marleyan soldier and provided her a black uniform and ODM gear. Everything was in place for her escape and Liberio’s attack.

The Warriors had been invited to the speech. It was a grand affair with many dignitaries from foreign nations joining. Porco grumbled as he put on his uniform claiming that he felt like Willy Tybur’s little circus monkey. It was obvious he meant to parade the big and terrifying Eldian Warriors for all the world to see.

She wasn’t allowed to sit with him at the speech which was a relief. The Warriors had their own section separate with the military. As a civilian nurse, her row of seats was far away from his.

They arrived to the locale as more people had started to sit down. There was chatter and buzz as people arrived.

Porco stopped halfway to the Warrior section and ran a hand through his hair. She glimpsed past him and saw the other Warriors already there. Zeke lounged in his seat looking bored while Pieck played with Zofia and the other candidates.

“I’ll see you after the speech, right?”

His voice was quiet, unusual for him, and she wondered if maybe he had a feeling things weren’t what they seemed.

Pieck had pulled him aside yesterday too. Zeke had warned her that they were whispering to each other again. Her cover had been blown wide open. Pieck was sure she was a spy, but hadn’t made a move.

She’s waited for days for the Marley soldiers to come and drag her out kicking and screaming, but no one had shown up. Jean theorized that Pieck was being held at bay by Porco. Maybe he wanted to handle things first before they called in the cavalry.

Still, Porco never confronted her. He just blindly accepted her lies although it looked like his eyes grew more and more suspicious. The way he quietly observed her spoke volumes as to how his trust in her had dwindled.

That hurt more than she would like to admit, and she scolded herself for being such an awful spy.

“Yeah, I’ll see you,” she responded.

She turned to leave, but he stopped her with a hand on her arm.

“I mean it,” his face was serious, “We have to talk. I need to speak to you. It’s really important.”

She swallowed. Those four little words were never good for any relationship. She supposed a fake one wasn’t any different.

“Yeah, okay.”

Suddenly the black uniform she wore under her large overcoat felt like it was suffocating her. With any luck, she’d be gone before he had a chance to realize she was a spy. She didn’t think she could stomach the look of betrayal that would be on his face when he realized it.

“See you then,” he kept searching her eyes for something but let her go.

“Goodbye,” she responded, “I love you, Pock.”

She meant it as she said it, and her own heart broke into a million pieces. He paused as he walked away and she saw his entire body tense. A look of agony flickered in his eyes for half a second before it was cleared away.

He knew now this was the last time they’d ever see each other. She saw him realize it. All of a sudden, his eyes were opened to the truth. Every warning Pieck had given him had just now hit home.

“I love you too,” he closed his eyes and wished it wasn’t true when he said it, “Goodbye.”

- - -

Yelena’s plan failed. She was supposed to lock Pieck and Porco in a trapdoor to keep them from the battle. However, despite all of her warnings about Pieck being clever, she underestimated her.

Pieck caught on to her and suspected her from the beginning. She warned the Panzer squad right before being led into a trap. Her team was able to rescue them both, and they joined the fight.

Still, it was not her problem anymore. She discarded her overcoat somewhere else and her uniform was exposed. The wings of freedom proudly winked in the night light.

She was a scout, a citizen of Paradis, and she had bigger things to worry about. She buried her emotions down somewhere deep inside and readied her ODM gear.

The zeppelin arrived just as Jean had predicted. She took one final look as Liberio burned and steeled herself.

Her hooks shot up and landed on the blimp. She rose into the air.

As she made her ascent, she caught sight of two Titans at the far end of the area. One was a Titan on four legs with tanks on its back. The other was a Titan with streaming hair and a wide jaw.

They both rose their heads as the Scouts zipped along the sky firing thunder spears in their wake. They saw her lifting herself up on the blimp.

Sasha appeared at the entrance and offered her hand. She took it and let herself get pulled up. As she stood, she turned back down to see the two Titans below.

The Cart Titan was glaring openly, her suspicions confirmed. The Jaw Titan was frozen as his world fell apart around him.

She apologized to him in her head and gave him her back. The rest of the Scouts surged to her and asked her if she was okay. She wasn’t, and tears ran down her face much to their shock.

Behind her, she could hear the Jaw Titan’s agonized roar.

#porco x reader #aot x reader #porco galliard #porco galliard x reader #attack on titan

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caesthetix · 3 years

Text

SAY A LITTLE PRAYER — Pt. 2 Devoted Worshipper

↪Eren Yeager mini-series

↪content; major character death, canon universe, heavy angst, established relationship, spoiler for season 4

You hummed softly as your feet dragged you towards the Commander's office. The hallway was quiet, yellow hue from the candles illuminated your pathway. Some of the rooms were occupied, you knew from the laughter that could be heard here and there. Soldiers cheering and sharing drinks without any weight on their shoulders.

And it made you feel a little bit melancholic as you thought about it.

When you dragged your friends to lounge around together, you wanted to feel the same warmth and comfort that was usually there when everyone huddled together. Even though you knew that it would never be the same anymore with one of you being taken on the battlefield, you still hoped that they would have each other to rely on.

Yet the atmosphere was tense. Sometimes overlapping the sorrow that coated their hearts. Maybe that was the coping mechanism, to forget about the pain, they all used anger, trying to point their finger to where it all went wrong, searching for the root of this havoc.

You knew that Sasha's death hit Connie harder than anyone. Yes, everyone had their individual bonds with the gluttonous woman, but there was something that differentiated his relationship with her. There were only two kinds of bonds that could emit such emotional turmoil; twins, and romantic love.

And they were like family, no, twins — and to lose a part of your soul would make anyone else gone mad.

Letting out a sigh, you tried to focus on your breathing. The door that led to Hange's office was within your eyesight already, you had your own job right now, your own mission. And that was to meet with your lover who, right now, people wouldn't dare to spend some time alone with him.

You remembered the day it all changed, where the most expressive person you ever knew suddenly closed his heart from the world. It was just a simple touch, lips grazing the back of her hand, and suddenly, the look on his face that day was the last fiery emotion which you ever saw coming from him.

He was distant, no, detached. It was as if he had his own world, as if he knew something that no one else could ever understand. You tried to ask him, to share whatever inside his mind, to share his burden. But every time you asked, he would just stare at you, with emerald eyes filled with one emotion that you could never understand.

It was not love, not some affection. There was no sadness indeed, no tears glistening in those beautiful orbs. He just looked at you with something that you could not fathom. Though, amidst all the cold shoulder that you got from him, you were still standing right by his side.

Like a devoted worshipper, following him to anywhere he goes, without even questioning where and why.

You were Eren's shield, some even said more faithful than Mikasa herself. There was no doubt in your eyes, whatever happened, no matter how many innocent souls were now in his hands, there wasn't a single time you ever asked the universe why he did all of that. Not even for a second, you didn't need a reason to believe him.

Everyone always questioned your feelings for said titan shifter since the beginning, when all of you were just wannabe soldiers in the training corps. There was no way you saw him as only a friend with how you always had this smile on your face when his name was mentioned.

Then one day when they saw his lips lingering on your forehead before they were all dispersed to defend Trost, they knew you would bind yourself to that man.

And they were right.

It was no secret already that you might be the most neutral in between all of them, but they knew who had you crawling to at the end of the day. Eren Yeager, no one else but him. He was your ultimate reason, the love of your life, the man who owned all of your heart; you didn't leave anything for yourself.

But you didn't even care about that, knowing your heart was placed on the right man.

"(Y/n)?"

You jolted when you saw the door opened, gaze trailed up to find your Commander staring at you with questioned eyes. Lost in your thoughts, you did not realise that you had been standing in front of Hange's office for perhaps a few minutes now.

"Commander Hange!" A perfect salute coming from you, making them chuckle at how enthusiastic you acted even in this darkest hour. You could see the bag under their eyes, brown locks dishevelled as some of the strands were all over the place. This fact alone made you frown. "You should get some rest, Hange."

Your voice changed completely, there was no smile etched on your face, and they knew how serious you were as you blurted out the words. "I mean it, as a friend."

They bit their lips, eyes closing shut as they tried to control the storm in their head. After a few seconds, they moved away slightly from the door to give you space, hands retracted to the side as they told you to come in, stopping whatever they were supposed to do right now.

Your lips curled into a small smile as you knew that Hange would take your advice. Even though it was just temporary, perhaps a little rest was better than nothing at all.

Nodding your head, you walked inside the office and stopped not too far from the door. Waiting for their instruction to where to sit, your gaze fleeting around the space that was more modern than their old office in the previous Headquarters.

It used to be so dim, only one light illuminating the whole room. You remembered how many times you stumbled over the items that were cluttering around the lab that they forgot to pick up. Now the lights were clearer, positioned on each side of the wall, resulting in all the corners shining with the yellow hue.

Of course, there was a massive bookshelf near the desk, not even one book was missing, everything was filled as you took it as a sign that the commander had been working on papers nonstop, not once loosening up to enjoy the victory over the attack on Marley.

"You could sit on the couch, or the chair, it's up to you, really."

Hange's voice sounded calmer now as they closed the door and walked back behind their desk before they plopped themselves on the big cushioned chair. You followed the gesture and sat across from them, deciding that it was better to be eye to eye if you were going to talk with them later on.

Their fingers running down their messy strands before pulling the hair tie to free it from the upcoming headache that already threatened to come. "Damn it, I am so tired."

That made you chuckle.

"I understand, Hange. And it's alright to feel tired, you are human after all." Not a normal human like the rest of the world, but the needs and stamina were still the same, whether you were an Eldian or people outside Paradis. The brunette smiled a little at your words and stood up to prepare a drink, grabbing two porcelain cups as they poured two teaspoons of dark powder on each cup.

"I take it you are okay with coffee, am I wrong?" They smirked a little as they turned to see you with a smile beamed on your face. "Awh, you are welcome, my dear~"

"Oh, Hange, you know how much I love that drink."

It didn't take long for them to prepare the drink. They had this big bottle that could hold hot water to stay boiled after a few hours. God, you thanked Niccolo for introducing that item to all of you. Speaking of the blonde man, you frowned a little as you wondered if he received the news about Sasha's death.

You wanted to go and deliver the information itself, but you knew with your condition right now that everyone would want you to rest until you get better. Connie, Niccolo, Sasha's family, you couldn't imagine the pain that they felt to lose someone that you loved so much with all of your heart.

And you couldn't help but think how much it would hurt if Eren was gone from this world.

"Here you go, (Y/n)," Hange spoke softly as they pushed the coffee cup in your line of vision. "Careful, it's still hot." They came at the right time, you didn't even realise the sweat on your forehead started to form due to the panic inside your head. You really did not want to think about that, it was too much.

You retrieved the coffee gently before settling it on your lap, palms feeling the warmth from the hot liquid as you rest one of your hands at the side of the cup. The air was cold, and for you, the porcelain worked wonders to make it to be touchable enough.

The two of you were engulfed by comfortable silence. Your nose crinkled softly when the scent of the coffee lingered in the room. Ah, coffee, that magical drink from Marley. You cursed a little at your ancestor when you first tasted the new beverage, saying how it's not fair that it took you a dozen years to know such a thing.

"You can drink it anytime you want now."

Eren smiled softly at your reaction and whispered that to you after a few seconds of watching your reaction. You didn't know what was inside his mind at that time, but his words were enough to make your heart flutter.

It was rare for him to show any interest or excitement, so you cherished all the fragments of his old self and carved it deep inside your mind. You loved the smell of coffee, because it reminded you of the world outside the wall, and it reminded you of a promise that once made.

Eren would lead you to your freedom, not with you as a follower, but with you to walk alongside him as he retrieved the rights that were taken away from all humans in Paradis.

Yes, Eren, the reminiscent was enough to snap you back. You were here for a reason, and that was to meet him, to spend time with him. No. You were there to dig some information from your lover's mind. It was for the sake of your friends, to make them feel better and feel more at peace rather than just standing in the dark.

After all, you didn't need to know his reason. You were satisfied enough to fight and walk alongside him.

Right?

"Now, what is it that you wanted to ask me?"

You jolted when you heard Hange throw the question as if you were just having a conversation about the weather, making the cup in front of your lips falter a little as you looked at them with shock. Catching you off guard like that was amusing to them. "What? You don't think I couldn't read you like an open book?"

Hange was harmless, at least to you. They said that not because they wanted to intimidate you, but more into wanting to prove to themselves how much they knew you. Everything was shown in their face, from the glint in their eyes to a snicker that slipped from their lips.

You let out a sigh before slipping down the cup of coffee back to your lap. They waited, understanding that you were slightly embarrassed with how much they could read you. Maybe you forgot, but they were the ones who asked Erwin to make you a part of their squad.

There was no one else that could tolerate Eren Yeager without him tolerating them enough. Eren actually listened to you, thoughtful of your decision and thinking about all of your scolds. Eren didn't listen to anyone, not even the Commander sometimes. If he didn't want to listen then he wouldn't.

But you were the only creature that, whatever you said, he would always take consideration of.

Starting from that benefit, Hange was now attached to you. They adored your strong will, how you would put your life over anyone (especially Eren) but yet still had a clear mind over it. You were fast, not as powerful as Mikasa, but you could think straight and strategize.

And they were hooked, they were proud to be the superior who knew you. Not even the Commander could understand the way you were thinking sometimes, but it was his loss anyway. Since he saw you as an asset for Eren instead of seeing you as a sole soldier who stood for herself.

"I need to speak with Eren." You were not done yet. "Alone."

The room was silent once again as they mulled over your words. They were sure it was not a request, but more as a demand. They chuckled internally to see you like this, intimidating, trying to get to your goal with a simple command.

"And what makes you think that I would let you?" They didn't want to prolong this, but they needed to know further why you wanted to see him. Truthfully, Hange was going to go to check on Eren before. But you came and told them to rest, funny how now you were the one who asked to talk to him.

They were afraid for you, that man was not the same as he was a few years ago. Everything changed after they reclaimed Shiganshina. And to let you talk with him without no one else guarding you, that tasted like a recipe for disaster.

"You would let me." Ha, cocky as ever when the time needed. "You know I could take down a lot of men and titan single-handedly, you know Eren would never lay a finger on me with the purpose to hurt me." Your voice was loud and clear, completely turning you into a soldier. "There is no downside to it. And if you think I would let him escape, you should know that I could do it anytime I want."

You had a point, that was what they knew. There was no malicious intent on your voice, just a need to talk to an old friend, to your lover. Even if you were sitting there in front of them with a serious facade, desperation was shown inside your eyes with how much you longed to have some alone time with the man.

They put down the cup of coffee on their table, sighing as they thought about what was the right thing. It was their call after all. You were someone who would do anything for Eren, but at the same time, you were a soldier, a good one that always followed the rules.

But to what extent would you stay to be a good soldier? If one day a condition caused the Survey Corps to be on the opposite side from Eren, where would you stand?

No, you were loyal — to either the Survey Corps or Eren. At least right now it was like that, and they just had to believe you in this.

"Alright." Your lips twitched at their answer, you must be so excited, and that made them softened a little. "You can just take down this soldier's side of yours, (Y/n). Just be a friend now, I hear your request loud and clear."

You nodded a little, still having your stoic, serious expression on your face. It wouldn't be long though, they were sure of that. One, two, three—

"Oh, Hange!" You wailed, setting the cup on the wooden table before you stood up and walked behind the desk, wanting to embrace them. "You don't know how much I miss him, I wanted to tackle him and just wrap my hands around him in the airship before."

The brunette chuckled when you finally fell to their chest, hugging them so tightly as you were clutching their uniform. "It's been months, Hange, thank you. Thank you so much."

"Oh, dear." They awkwardly patted your back, chuckling at your reaction. "I know, you are craving for him, I know." Everyone could see it, your love for Eren was something that couldn't be hidden from the world. Even Yelena and the others knew from one look at you.

You stayed there for a few seconds, calming yourself down from the enthusiasm that was bubbling up. You didn't want to scare off your lover with your sudden embrace or nonstop kisses. So you had to compose yourself by pouring some of the affection to someone that you trusted was enough.

"I mean it, thank you, Hange." You pulled away, though still had your hands on their arms as you squeezed it gently. The way you looked at them was so ethereal, comforting, and shone with what they believed as love. "Can I go now, then?"

"Yes, of course."

Hange gave you one last smile before pulling themselves away from you too. "I actually just pulled something that wouldn't be approved by Zackly. So, is half an hour enough for you?" They actually did not want to give you a time limit, but it would be bad if someone else found you in the cell with a criminal.

"Ah, of course." They let out a sigh of relief when they heard your answer. "I understand, Hange. As much as I love to spend time with Eren, I know that this meeting alone could jeopardize your position." Goodness, always so understanding, Eren sure is lucky.

"Alright, here." A dangling sound filled the room as they fetched the keys from their pocket. Your eyes widened at the sight of the silver metal, palms up as they dropped the key on your hands. "Make sure you didn't forget to lock—"

"Y-You'll let me go inside?" If you looked so delighted before, now you looked like you could burst as you tried to process the meaning behind the given keys.

One solid nod from the commander, and that's all it took for your tears to slip down your cheek.

You took a few steps back before giving them a salute, one that they answered back because of how much respect they had for you too. It had been years since they knew you, and it made them tear up a little with how much you had grown, yet still the same naive girl they saw that day in the training corps.

As you walked away to the door, they looked at you with fondness in their eyes. The brunette saw you as a close friend, like a sister they never had.

It was their call, they knew this was the best. For you to meet the love that you longed for, you deserved to feel such comfort in this hellish world. And to know that they could make you feel this happy, they felt like the best sibling in the world for giving such joy in your life.

Even when they heard a click from the door, a sign that you were on your way down the cell, their smiles never faltered. Shaking their head softly at the puppy love that showed as you bounced around with giddiness, they immersed themselves on the papers once again.

Little did they know that this decision would haunt them until they took their last breath.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ༶•┈┈⛧┈〄┈⛧┈┈•༶ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"This is tiresome."

Hange yawned and stretched their limbs as they tossed down the last report that they had to finish. They really needed to take your advice and get more rest. Ah, you, now they just realised how much time had passed after the last time they saw you from before.

Their eyes fleeting to the clock on the wall, raising one of their eyebrows when they realised it was already forty-five minutes since you left.

I need to check on her, they thought. Even if they believed that you would not let anyone harm you in any way, they still needed to get you to rest. After all, you were still wounded, and they didn't want one of their best soldiers to tire herself more.

Stretching their limbs to the side, cracking their neck and hearing the pop here and there, now they were satisfied. Standing up to embark on their little journey, their eyes flickered to the empty cup of coffee that belonged to you. It was so clean, you even drank the harsh powder that lingered at the bottom.

You did really love coffee, they couldn't help but wanted to surprise you that they had a new type from Yelena tomorrow morning. Hange could imagine you screaming already and drinking a lot with them. A little piece of heaven indeed, talking with a friend without thinking of their burden, maybe it was enough for them right now.

Chuckling softly, the brunette locked the door to their office before strolling down the empty hallway, wanting to have a chat with you before closing the day.

It was late at night, the rest of the scouts were mostly asleep or drinking their hearts out, celebrating the first win of the Island of Paradis. Thinking about war made their shoulders slump, they were already tired and just wanted everything to end. But they just had to suck it up, holding onto the hope that it would end soon.

There was no one else in sight as they walked, the one who accompanied them was just the yellow flame and their own mind. Now they wondered what kind of talk that you had with your lover. Even if Eren was now just an emotionless human being, they thought that he would still be the same around you. Still as loving, even though more careful with the amount of affection that he gave.

Everyone who had eyes could see how devoted you were to the man, no matter how many times he was always preoccupied with himself, falling deep into his own spiraling mind, no more acknowledging your existence who was always by his side.

Armin and Jean would often call you up to join the rest of them to town or just to have fun. But you always stayed seated, resting your head on his shoulder as you try to give comfort to the man that you gave your heart to. Typical you, prioritizing his needs over your own.

The air changed all of a sudden as their feet finally reached the first rung that would lead them to the basement. It was so humid, and they really think you were such a saint by staying here for almost an hour without complaining.

Love really made people do something crazy, to the extent that their own comfort did not matter.

There was no sound of arguing that could be heard, which was good. It was so silent, and somehow they wanted to just turn back around. Inside their mind, they could see you curled up on the hard bed with Eren's arms draped around your figure.

Just by thinking of that, they couldn't hide the smile that emerged on their face at this point. What a youth, filled with love and comfort, something that not everyone could find inside a life of a soldier. Yet there you were, making the love that you had to be a reason to stay strong, to keep on living.

Hange made a decision, that if you were indeed safe and sound on your lover's embrace, then they would let you two be.

But when their feet stopped right in front of the cell, their light brown pupils dilated in horror.

The air was humid, suffocating, and their chest felt so constricted within these walls. They were not even inside, yet by just standing there right now, they couldn't help but want to puke.

Inside, they could see how Eren faced the mirror on the wall, his hands gripping tight to the silver sink that filled with water. There was nothing that could be emitted from his expression, not even a single emotion could be seen inside his emerald eyes that was always praised by you.

And as their gaze finally dared to look at the shadow in their peripheral vision, they could feel their heart stop.

In the back of the room, your body slumped on the dirty wall — idle, lifeless. Hange gasped, hands stumbled as they opened the cell and rushed to your side. Their fingers immediately went to your bruised neck to check on your pulse on instinct.

And nothing.

They found nothing.

Not even a beat.

"Eren, what did you do?" Their eyes never left your figure, gaze fleeting toward your orbs that were now empty. They choked, swallowing a huge lump before resting their ear on your torso, hoping that they could hear your heartbeat. But they were met with the same void. "Eren, what did you do?!"

Hange bit their lips, fetching the keys in your palm, they carefully hoisting your body as they managed to not cry, but they couldn't hold their sob as they realised they lost yet another good soldier, a good friend. If Eren could not give them an answer, they were the ones who were going to find it.

If only, God, if only they didn't let you meet up with Eren.

You would probably go back to your friends, easing their pain with your comforting words. You would wake up tomorrow morning and walk to their office, sharing a cup of coffee together before they gave you a briefing for what the scouts would do for the whole day.

But it was not possible, it was no longer possible. They should have known it.

No, they refused to give up now. Gritting their teeth, they still didn't want to believe that you were gone for real. They didn't care anymore if they were out of their mind, their free hand immediately closed and locked the cell harshly, needing to see the doctor, a paramedic that was around. Holding on to a hopeless dream that maybe you could be saved.

What could they say to your friends? That you died because of how they let you meet a deadly criminal, the same person that also had your heart on his palms? Hange was not sure that the man was the one who was responsible for your death, but there was no one else around.

And those bruises, red hue smearing your neck like a vice-grip.

They shook their head, not wanting to think about it for now as they tried to lift you up. They needed to get you upstairs, calling out the paramedic that was probably sleeping right now, needing them to save you.

When their feet made contact with the first stairs, they could hear a mutter from the cell which belonged to your lover. It was only a few words, and yet with how low his voice was, lingered with nothing but a glimpse of despair — it sent a shiver down their spine.

"I gave her freedom."

↪Back to Wall Maria

↪Send an ask if you want to be a citizen of Paradis (taglist)!

#eren x reader #eren jaeger #eren yaegar #eren angst #eren x y/n #aot x reader #aot imagines #aot x y/n #aot #attack on titan imagine #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyojin imagine #snk x reader #snk #eren jaeger x reader #eren yeager x reader

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wakatvshi · 3 years

Note

Hi! this is my first request ever so im sorry if im doing this wrong!) If you’re willing, a Bertl fic with a Warrior! Reader, probably replacing annie or just having a different titan in itself, comforting him and talking about home, or what they wanted their futures to be (even though they knew their times are limited) after their mission is over. You can take that however you want, platonic or lovers but some form of romance pls 🥺 ily i hope you’re eating and drinking well

I already told you this when you asked but!! this was such a cute request and I adored writing it and I really hope you like it too. Writing it made me happy.

warnings: mentions of canon deaths and violence. but it’s really all fluff.

wordcount: 1196

Resting your head against the wall you closed your eyes, you’d been training all day and you just wanted to rest a little. Between training to be a soldier on Paradis and the weight of the war hammer titan inside you, you almost couldn’t stand it. Truths were hard to face and the closer you got to everyone here the harder the truth was to actually face. Nights like these the memories of breaking the wall wouldn’t leave your mind. You and Annie had hid with your titan, your hardened skin protecting the two of you from the titans entering the wall. No one could take time to notice your titan when there was all the chaos from Bertholdt and Reiner.

Now there had been more chaos from Annie, you’d been there and watched her kill the scouts. It shouldn’t have bothered you, you’d killed people before. Your hammer, the spikes, everything you could do was made for killing. You were the perfect killing machine. Only Bertholdt’s colossal titan could compare. But you’d never sat down with the people you’d killed. They’d always been enemy nations and you’d never had anything to do with them. The scouts that Annie had killed, the ones you’d planned for her to kill, had been people you knew.

You knew why you had to do this, you knew what your mission was but that didn’t make it easier. Like Annie, you knew that you were nothing but a tool for Marley, you weren’t important to them. All you were was a weapon to destroy their enemies. You had no ideas of grandeur of what you were. That was why you formed such strong bonds with the other warriors. You needed them and they needed you.

When you heard footsteps it took you a few seconds to realize that you knew them, you’d recognize Bertholdt’s footsteps anywhere. A smile came to your lips when you heard him get closer, “It’s late. You shouldn’t be out here.” Even though you said that you didn’t mean it. Any time you got to spend with the man was something you were beyond thankful for. Especially after today.

Bertholdt didn’t say anything as he sat down next to you, he just reached over and took your hand in his. His long fingers played with yours absentmindedly, it was something he did when he was lost in his head. You’d only recently declared yourself a couple. There had always been something between the two of you, a bond that none of the others had. It took a lot for the two of you to actually put a name to the bond you had, putting a name on it meant that there was more to lose. It meant when your time was up as warriors or if something were to happen here on Paradis like it did Marcel that you had more to lose.

“Are you okay?” It wasn’t like you minded this, you loved when he was actually affectionate with you. Bertholdt was always so shy, so these moments were something you cherished. “Not that I mind this I’m just curious why you’re not sleeping.”

He hummed and finally looked at you, “I just couldn’t sleep. I was thinking too much I guess.” The larger man gave a shrug, “About home and other stuff.” Bertholdt thought about home more than anyone of you did you suspected. Annie wanted to get back to her father of course but you knew Mr. Hoover was sick. What he wanted most was to see him and you understood that. “I was thinking about what I was going to do when I got home. When I finally get to see him.”

Bertholdt was hesitant in his words, talking about the future was dangerous. It was something you’d known and accepted the day you inherited your titan. But sometimes? It felt good to talk about it. “It would be nice to see my family. I can’t imagine what they’ll say when they see me like this. Grown up I mean.” Your smile grew when you looked at Bertholdt, “You’re taller than your dad now. I think he’ll enjoy that though.”

You’d only met his father a few times but when you did he was always nice, much nicer than Annie or Reiner’s Parents were. You liked the Galliard’s which would only make it harder to tell them about Marcel when the time came. Porco was going to be another issue entirely, one you’d rather not think about now. There would be a lot to face when you got back to Liberio.

“Yeah.” You couldn’t miss the hint of a smile on Bertholdt’s face as he nodded, “He used to tell me that he couldn’t wait to see how tall I got.” Mr. Hoover probably hadn’t expected that he’d be this tall. Not that you minded, his height was a plus in your eyes.

Letting your head fall to his shoulder you squeezed his hand, “You know… I think I miss the food the most. Or coffee.” You’d never let yourself talk like this about home, this mission could cost you your lives. Getting your hopes up about home was dangerous. “I think when we get back that we should use that honorary title and go on a proper date.” Even though Bertholdt was your boyfriend you still blushed at your own words.

Next to you he let out a nervous laugh, “I mean if you want. There was this one cafe we used to pass that I think they might let us in.” Turning your head to face him your smile was soft, “I think if they do… I want to take you there.”

The fact that he was blushing was endearing. You didn’t know if he’d ever really get out of that habit. You loved him and you knew that he loved you but he still got flustered when you were close to him like this. “We can go there, or we can try to get the Mid East cafe to give us food.” If anyone overheard your conversation it could end up terribly. But you were lost in the moment, “Now it’s probably really popular. I don’t think there were any other places from the Mid East at home.” You had no idea what it would be like there now. It had been years since you left… too many years.

Bertholdt’s smile faded and he turned to look at you. “You know what I want most?” You raised an eyebrow at the question and he leaned in to press a soft kiss to your lips, “I want to introduce you to my father. Properly. As my girlfriend.”

You felt tears prick the back of your eyes, “Yeah?” You didn’t want him to see you cry, happy tears or not. Resting your forehead on his shoulder you let out a slow breath, “I want you to properly meet my parents to.” As soon as you were sure that you wouldn’t actually cry, you looked up at Bertholdt again. “They’ll love you. I know they will.”

Bertholdt let his forehead rest against yours, “My dad will love you too. He already did.”

taglist: @x6nji, @pockou, @bertlebear, @colossalnova, @joyness99, @sparklypaintertyphoon, @smoochiesdiarie, @sashaisangel, @dufresnes, @hexbestfriend, @shisoaya, @hollow-purple, (if you want added let me know!)

#bertholdt hoover #bertolt hoover #bertholdt hoover x reader #bertholdt x reader #bertolt hoover x reader #bertolt x reader #attack on titan x reader #aot x reader #my writing #rq #paperclowne

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path-of-my-childhood · 3 years

Text

Taylor Swift: Pop Star of the Year

By: Jonathan Dean for The Sunday Times Date: December 27th 2020

Rather than hunker down, the singer put out two albums in 2020 and won over new audiences. She’s the pop star of the year.

Taylor Swift met Paul McCartney in the autumn for a big interview in Rolling Stone. The two would have headlined Glastonbury this summer. Who knows if they will do that next year. Anyway, both recorded albums in lockdown, working from home like the rest of us. When they spoke, though, Swift had a secret. As well as Folklore, released in July, she had a follow-up record in the pipeline — Evermore, which was released this month.

Swift noted that the former Beatle was still so full of joy. “Well, we’re just so lucky, aren’t we?” he said. “We’re really lucky,” Swift replied. “I can’t believe it’s my job.” And she is right. Being a pop star is an extraordinary way to earn the living she does. But rather than accepting luxury and letting this tough year tumble on, Swift is also keenly aware what music means. Sad songs soothe, happy songs make us dance, but as fans of most artists waited for something — anything — this year, this 31-year-old released two albums that broke chart records, were critically adored and introduced her to people who once thought that she wasn’t for them.

“I’m so exhausted!” she said to the American chat show host Jimmy Kimmel, laughing, a few weeks ago, when asked if she had a third new album planned. “I have nothing left.” In addition to Folklore and Evermore, she filmed a TV special and even started rerecording her back catalogue, after a volatile dispute over who owns her work. By October I’d just about cobbled together my first sourdough loaf.

A decade ago Swift moved firmly into the limelight thanks to a squabble with Kanye West entirely of the rapper’s own making. In 2009, when Swift — then a nascent country music star — won the best female video award at the VMAs, West stormed on stage, grabbed her microphone and said that Beyoncé should have won. Swift was 19 — West was 32 — and she looked scared. This wasn’t just about her biggest moment yet being stolen, but also about her position in the pop hierarchy being questioned, very publicly, from the off. She stood there as that man bullied her. Apparently she left the stage in tears.

Years later West released Famous, with its infamous lyric “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex/ Why? I made that bitch famous.” The alt-folk singer Father John Misty also wrote about sleeping with her. Every time that sort of thing happened, a powerful man in Swift’s industry was reducing a successful, talented, younger female to the level of a sex object. It was back-in-your-box belittling — as it was when a TV host groped her. (She successfully sued him.) While Swift herself would retort to West, as her music became less country, more slick pop, such retorts felt forced and gave the rapper too much of her oxygen. A nod to him on Folklore comes with the “Clowns to the West” line, but it is a sideshow now, not a headline.

Not that Swift’s life is entirely her own. She’s been one of the world’s bestselling female artists for a decade, coupled with curiosities such as a well-orchestrated relationship with Tom Hiddleston that kept her in the spotlight. Like many twentysomethings, Swift spent her youth apolitically, only to receive flak for staying silent during the 2016 US election. This year she endorsed Joe Biden, but what if she had wanted to stay quiet? Would the media have let her? She is under so much scrutiny that, after she made an innocuous hand gesture in a recent TV interview, similar to one women make to draw attention to domestic abuse, this headline ran: “Some people think Taylor Swift is secretly asking for help in her latest interview.”

Like many at the start of the pandemic she felt listless. The world we were used to was a wasteland, and we could only find the energy to watch Normal People. Swift’s ennui, though, was, well, swift. Stuck in LA, she emailed Aaron Dessner of the beloved beardy indie band the National to see if he fancied writing with her. No fool, Dessner said yes and, mere weeks later, the duo — with help from Swift’s regular collaborator Jack Antonoff as well as Justin Vernon, from the beloved beardy indie band Bon Iver — released Folklore. The gang just carried on working and, five months later, gave us Evermore.

Creativity is not on tap. Indeed, this year is not one for judging what others may or not have achieved. However, the silence of many big pop stars is striking because they know that even a single would make someone’s day; distract for a while.

Everyone needed to adjust to working from home, but Swift was one of the only musicians who did and, by eschewing the arena pop of recent albums for something more subdued, organic and folky, she gave the sense that she was letting fans in more than ever. She was at home, like us. This is who she is, and the first single from these sessions was so cosy, it was even called Cardigan.

“I just thought, ‘There are no rules any more,’” she told McCartney. “Because I used to put all these parameters on myself, like, ‘How will this song sound in a stadium?’ If you take away the parameters, what do you make? I guess Folklore.”

Maybe it is tedious, for a deft writer with a career of varied, brilliant songs — Love Story, I Knew You Were Trouble, Blank Space — to find respect from some people only when artists who appeal to middle-aged men start to work with her. On the other hand, pop has never been particularly welcoming to many until it sounds like something you are used to and, with delicate acoustics and gossamer-like piano, Swift’s two new albums recall, sonically, Nick Drake or Kate Bush. Thematically, lyrics seem to come from anywhere. Daphne du Maurier, for one. Even the Lake District and its poets.

Some songs are personal. She is dating British actor Joe Alwyn, and on one track she sings, “I want to give you a child.” Make of that what you will. But these records’ highlights are not about herself, but others. “There was a point,” she told Zane Lowe on Apple Music, “that I had got to as a writer, [where I was only writing] diaristic songs. That felt unsustainable.” Instead, she does what the best writers do and mixes subjective with objective. The Last American Dynasty is a terrific piece of writing about the socialite Rebekah Harkness, who lived in a Rhode Island house that Swift bought and was, by all accounts, a bit scandalous. Swift tells her story almost with envy. Imagine, she seems to say, that freedom.

“In my anxieties,” she said in Rolling Stone, “I can often control how I am as a person and how normal I act. But I cannot control if there are 20 photographers outside in the bushes and if they follow our car and interrupt our lives.”

Then there is Epiphany. The first verse is about her grandfather, who fought in the Second World War; the second about frontline workers in hospitals now. Sung in a high register, it is suitably choral. Marjorie, on Evermore, is even better. It is about her grandmother, an opera singer who died in 2003. “What died didn’t stay dead” is the repeated line, and it is eerie, gorgeous. Swift sings how she thinks Marjorie is singing to her, at which point some vocals from the latter’s recordings waft in. Touching, but the real power is in Swift writing about vague memories of a relative who died when she was young. “I complained the whole way there,” she sings. “I should’ve asked you questions.”

In person she is warm like this, and funny. When Kimmel told her there were far more swearwords on Folklore and Evermore than previous records, she replied: “It’s just been that kind of year.” She is also odder than people realise. In the way pop stars should be. Obsessed by numerology, she wrote, on the eve of her birthday when announcing Evermore: “Ever since I was 13, I’ve been excited about turning 31 because it’s my lucky number backwards.” When I turned 31 I just wished to be 13 again, with all that youth, but then, maybe, she is just joking. “Yes, so until I turn 113 or 131, this will be the highlight of my life,” she said. “The numerology thing? I sort of force it to happen.”

Swift, of course, is far from the first pop star to become public property, or have a close bond with fans. This year, however, she was one of the few to show that such adoration is not one-way. She is, simply, a fan of her fans — from planting secrets in her artwork and lyrics, to recording two albums of new music as a balm for them when real life became too deafening.

“One good thing about music,” sang Bob Marley. “When it hits you, you feel no pain.” The 80.6 million who streamed Folklore on its first day will attest to that idea. So will the four million who bought it. Swift is pop star of the year, no doubt — leaving her peers in her wake, on their sofas, rewatching The Sopranos.

#thanks to anon who brought this to my attention!#🖤#taylor swift #the times #article #about taylor #folklore album #folklore era #evermore album #evermore era #twitter.com/hendopolis/status/1342959069792002050

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itslieutenanthawkeye · 3 years

Text

After Laughter

Day 1 of Jeankasa Week 2021: Reunion / After The Three Years

Ao3

After over a thousand days of grief, Mikasa is able to laugh for the first time in years.

Mikasa’s heart was frozen in time, fixated, perhaps, on the man that had laid beneath the ground for three years now.

She’d almost refused going to the royal party organized by Historia in the inner districts, the one to commemorate the beginning of peace. Proposals from men swarmed her each time she showed herself to any event Historia invited her, and comments from people who hated her were even more prevalent. She didn’t like attention and it seemed that the older she grew, the more attention she received.

But above all, Mikasa Ackerman didn’t think she deserved the fun of that night. She could count the number of times she’d laughed since her return to the island with one hand. She wasn’t worthy of the island’s forgiveness, of the future it had to offer, not after seeing the horrors the man she had loved had caused, with the man’s head She couldn’t forgive herself for loving a monster, for mourning him still. Not now, not ever.

Thus, happiness was a commodity she couldn’t afford. Lovers of monsters didn’t deserve anything.

She wondered if the same thing went through her friends’ minds as she walked into the room, followed by two dozen pair of eyes. Traitor, A few voices echoed, giving her the urge to roll her own eyes. For some reason, jaegerists focused all their hate on her, going as far as using slurs against her whenever they saw her.

She didn’t understand it, neither did she like it, but Mikasa had learned to live with it. Maybe she deserved it, she thought gloomily.

Her feet took her to the first balcony she saw. What was she doing there? Historia had invited her, but for what? What purpose did she have with all these people? She had a home, an empty home with a cold stove and a hard, colder bed, but a home she’d built herself nonetheless. She could’ve been knitting something instead of suffocating in the dress the queen had sent for her.

“Mikasa?”

Mikasa turned around, certain she could recognize that voice anywhere. “Jean,” she said, blinking in surprise at the sight of him. “You got taller.”

He wore a fancy looking black suit, which somehow enhanced the hazel in his eyes. “I know,” he said, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “I must look like a big goof.”

“You don’t.” Mikasa replied, playing with the embroidered sleeves of her dress. “Welcome home.”

“Thank you,” he said, giving her the kindest smile anyone had given her in a while. “Armin’s looking everywhere for you in there.”

“I figured,” Mikasa said. “Did he send you for me?”

Jean lifted a packet of cigarettes in front of her, taking slow steps until he stood next to her. “I wanted to have a bit of a smoke,” he said, moving his neck one side to the other. “It’s a bit of a large crowd in there…and I had something different in mind for the first time I saw you again.”

“How so?”

“First, I wasn’t going to be reeking of cigarettes,” Jean chuckled, putting one in his mouth, struggling with what seemed to be an lighter. “Second, Connie and I thought maybe flowers would’ve been appropriate.”

“To hide the smell of cigarettes?”

“Good one,” Jean replied, giving her a sideways glance. “How have you been?”

His question was polite enough, but Mikasa knew of the layers of meaning it conveyed. She’d been apart from them for a whole three years, frozen in time and in grief, and Jean knew it as well as the rest of what was left of their squad. A cordial answer came to her mind, but she didn’t think Jean would be the person to believe a lie, not from her. “Lonely,” she admitted. “Sometimes scary.”

A crease appeared between Jean’s eyebrows. “Scary?”

“Sometimes I think I won’t get rid of the things we saw back then, and from the things I saw on the way back to the island,” Mikasa said without looking at him, knowing that he probably had his eyes set on her. “I see them when I’m asleep.”

“Me too.” Jean said. Mikasa turned to look at him and he smiled again. Suddenly, the music from the party became distant in her ears. “You’re not the only one who has it, Mikasa. The guilt. I see them every night, too. I feel bad for not stopping him earlier, I feel bad for not saving him. For still caring about him, too.”

“You as well?”

“I can’t imagine what it must be like for you,” Jean replied. “You loved him, didn’t you?”

Mikasa nodded; for some reason, admitting that she had loved Eren, to Jean of all people, didn’t make her feel as much of a terrible person. The syncopation of grief and peace was new, and not at all bothersome.

“Have you loved anyone since?” Jean asked suddenly.

“No.” she said. There had been more than a few men who had shown interest in her; they were handsome enough, good sons and brothers with good hearts, and yet Mikasa had never paid attention to any. But she wasn’t going to start gossiping about men with Jean.

“How about you? Any of you have someone back in the continent?” she asked, clearing her throat.

“Connie does,” Jean replied. “She’s a cute girl, a couple years older than him. I don’t know which one of them speaks louder, and I still don’t know which will get tired of the other first, but they’re happy. I’ve no idea how, though.”

A low chuckle escaped her, and Mikasa brought her hand to her chest.

“What’s wrong?” Jean asked.

Mikasa shook her head, undermining the matter. “I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed.”

“Well, it’s a lovely laugh,” Jean replied automatically. “I’ll tell the others to make a point of making it come out more. I’m sure Connie will help, also Pieck. She’s a bit of a handful, though. Lovely, but she does have a tendency to get in your nerves when she tries.”

“Are you and her…”

“Pieck?” Jean laughed. He hadn’t touched the cigarette he’d lit since the beginning of their conversation; and the embers of it had gathered in a heap near his hand. “No. She likes girls, for the most part. Besides, she’s not my type.”

“But do you have someone?” Mikasa asked, suddenly curious.

Jean turned to look at her, his eyes almost shinning in the moonlight. “How could I?” he said in a stark, unusually bitter voice. “I feel like I can’t move on.”

Mikasa nodded; she understood that better than anyone. “Move on from everything that happened?”

“That, and other matters.” he said, his eyes still on hers. He’d grown at least a couple of centimeters since the last time she’d seen him, which made him look even more mature, more like a proper adult. Years ago, during their attack against Marley, she thought Jean had finished with all his growth. But he’d settled more into his adult self even more during those three years across the sea. The lines of his face were sharper, his expression sterner and yet just as kind as before. He was truly a leader now, a diplomat and a war veteran. Adulthood suited him well.

The rest of them would be the same; they would all keep moving forward, growing, living life, and leaving Eren and their other fallen comrades behind, frozen in time as mere memories. There was a burst of energy in her chest all of a sudden; one that told Mikasa she didn’t want to be just another comrade left behind.

“What other matters?”

“That’s a secret,” Jean replied. “I’ve been keeping that one sealed for a while now.”

Mikasa frowned, curiosity growing. “Is it bad?”

“Is love bad?” Jean asked. Mikasa looked at him for a long moment, realizing how close they stood, how intently he was looking at her.

Jean laid his hand on the balustrade, his skin touching the hot embers from his cigarette. “Fuck!” he shouted, jumping up and down in the same place as he tried to shake off the ashes, cursing in both eldian and another language from the continent she didn’t recognize. He put the cigarette in his mouth, but it only fell apart on his perfectly white shirt, leaving a stain.

“Fuck!” Jean shouted again.

Mikasa’s chest jolted once, then twice, then thrice; each time, a little hiccup of laughter escaped her at the sight of Jean trying to shake off the hot ashes off him. She folded over herself, her eyes filling with tears, her laughter accompanied by snorts. It didn’t take more than a couple of seconds for Jean to join her.

“Hey!” he said after a few minutes. “Don’t laugh at an injured man.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Mikasa repeated, laughing still, leaning against the balustrade and holding her stomach. She looked up at him. “It’s just…”

Jean smiled widely as another fit of laughter took over her. “Mi-ka-sa!” he shouted. “Come on, don’t laugh at your comrade.”

“I’m sorry,” Mikasa replied, catching her breath. She straightened and used the sleeves of her dress to wipe the tears that had spilled down her eyes during her fit. “You’re taller, but you’re as much of an idiot as always.”

“Am I?” Jean said, smiling. Mikasa nodded, covering her mouth with one hand to laugh a little more, using the other to lean on his shoulder to steady herself.

“Just as much.”

“Well, at least I made you laugh.” Jean pointed out. Mikasa’s lips fell open in surprise; how long had it been, really? She couldn’t remember one occasion in which she’d laughed this hard. Ever since Eren had told her he hated her—no, since before. Ever since Sasha’s death, or perhaps since before Sasha’s death…

“I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in over ten years.” She admitted, almost embarrassed that her last memory of a fit of laughter was one from her childhood, from before the rupture of her small family. What a sad little human she must be.

“It’s lovely,” Jean repeated, smiling. “Even when it’s at my expense, thank you very much.”

Mikasa snorted again. “I’m sorry. It’s just…your dance, it was ridiculous.”

“I was on fire, Ackerman.”

“You were dancing, Kirstein.” Mikasa quipped back, surprising herself at how easy they’d fallen into banter territory. “Thank you, Jean. I don’t…I don’t think I remember the last time I’ve spoken this much. It’s weird to hear myself speak.”

“I’ll be here for a while, and then maybe a little while longer,” Jean replied, moving his arm to gesture towards the benches laid out across the balconies. “I’ve all the time in the world to talk, if you want to.”

Mikasa considered it, looking at his anxious face. Was he fearing that she would say no?

She couldn’t say no, not after what he’d done, not considering he’d been the one to make her laugh for the first time in an eternity. Besides, Mikasa realized, she didn’t want to reject his invitation. This was Jean, after all. She wasn’t talkative, but she knew he’d make up for it. “I’d like that,” she said. “I don’t have many stories, though. Do you?”

“I do,” Jean replied. “I’ve got a hundred stories for the continent.”

“You won’t mind telling me?” Mikasa said as they walked together towards the benches, separated by only a few inches.

“I’d love to tell you.”

Mikasa gave him another look. “You really did get taller.”

“And you really got lovelier.” Jean said. “Loveliest sight in a thousand miles.”

“Are you trying to make me laugh again?”

“I’m trying to give you a compliment.”

“Oh,” Mikasa said, lowering her face to hide the heat that had rushed to her face. “Thank you.”

“Your hair’s longer again.” Jean said.

“I was thinking about cutting it.” Mikasa replied. “But I didn’t want to, in the end.”

“Thank Ymir for that.”

“Why?”

Jean shrugged, smiling as he looked up at the sky. “That hair of yours is pretty.”

Mikasa smiled. “Tell me about the continent, please.”

__________________________

Armin frowned as he made his way across the ballroom, hand in hand with Annie. They’d been looking for her for the better portion of the party, and they hadn’t caught a glimpse yet. She was there, he knew from what some of the guests had informed him, but he couldn’t find her.

He wanted to show her their rings, he wanted to ask her to be at their wedding at the continent, he wanted to tell her of all the things that had happened in those three years while they’d been away. Above all, Armin wanted to hug her, to tell her, to promise her, that she wouldn’t be alone anymore.

“I think I see them.” Annie said, opening the glass door in front of her.

“Them?” Armin asked.

“There,” Annie said, pointing with her index finger. “On the benches. I think that’s Jean.”

“Jean?” Armin said, bewildered. Armin pulled him forward, and they walked across the balcony until they reached the two sleeping figures on the bench. Mikasa had her hand on Jean’s shoulder, while his head rested peacefully on hers.

“Should I wake them?” Annie whispered. Armin shook his head, noticing the dark circles under Mikasa’s eyes. Anyone who knew her as well as he did would realize this was probably the first time in a long time she got to sleep peacefully. “Is this why he never paid went with any girls back home?”

Armin smiled. Back home. That was the continent now, for him, and for Connie as well. It had never been for Jean. To Jean, home was someone. And that someone had grown out her hair, and wore a pretty dress with embroidered sleeves.

“We should probably get them a blanket.” Armin said. “They’ll be embarrassed enough when they wake up though.”

Annie snorted. “I want to see that.”

__________________________

Mikasa leaned a little closer to the warmth to her right, which felt like sunlight itself giving her a hug. Dreamless sleeps were a bliss, a bliss she hadn’t had the privilege of in a long time. And the warmth next to her was soothing; an ointment for even the deeper scars of her heart. In her sleep, Mikasa smiled.

#jeankasa #jean x mikasa #Mikasa Ackerman #Jean Kirstein #JeanMika #jeankasa fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #ao3 #JeankasaWeek2021 #mikasa x jean #snk #shingeki no kyojin fanfiction #escritos

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mosh-4 · 3 years

Text

listen (iii)

harry styles imagine mini series

part iii to listen - harry has a soulmate (soulmate au)

you had finally come to your senses after you had just launched yourself from your porch into the arms of your soulmate. With his arms wrapped around you and your blanket slowly slipping from your shoulders into the snow, you began to pull away from him.

“not that I’m not happy that you’re here, but who gave you my address?” you asked.

he released you from his grasp and began pulling your blanket back over your shoulders.

“I have my ways,” he laughed.

you squinted at him puzzled.

“I’m kidding. Kath gave it to me.”

“oh…honestly, it’s Kath. I’m not that surprised.”

you both let out a little laugh as you peered up at him. you blinked away the snowflakes that landed on your eyelashes. you reached up and gently brushed the snow from his hair.

“we should probably go inside before we both freeze.” you suggest pulling the blanket away from your frame to peer down at your fuzzy-sock clad feet sinking into the snow.

“oh god, y’er poor socks,” he laughed looking down at what you were looking at. “let’s go inside before ya get frostbite.”

“come on, you can meet my dog.”

you grab his hand while his other hand held his snow covered bag that he had dropped in the snow when he caught you.

Harry smiled as he watched you turn toward your front door with your hand in his while your other hand held your blanket around your frame. you pulled him up your front steps to the door, opening it for him.

a big ball of fur bounded out the door and swarmed the both of you.

“Marley,” you laughed pushing her down as she tried to jump on Harry. “down. we don’t jump on people.”

you led her back inside with Harry on your heels.

Harry gently shook the snow from his hair with his hand. He set his bag down by the door and waited for you. He smiled as he watched you talk to your dog like she was a small child.

“be nice,” you said letting go of her collar to let her investigate Harry. “she’s not really aggressive. she’s just skeptical of new people. she’ll warm up to you in a second,” you told him.

Harry placed a hand down to let your dog sniff him. she advanced toward him sniffing him before backing away barking again. Harry peered at you to see if her reaction was okay. he watched as you bent down to her height gently petting her.

“Mar, it’s okay. he’s a friend.”

you finally turned your attention to him. you looked at him from your crouched position. Harry took the hint and squatted down next to you. he put his hand out in front of him again. now that his towering height was gone, Marley approached him and sniffed his hand again before nudging her nose under his loose hand.

“what is she doing?” he laughed, slightly nervous.

“she wants you to pet her. she’s not much of a licker so this is how she shows affection,” you replied as you ruffled the fur on Marley’s back.

Harry moved his hand to pet the top of her head, and Marley began to relax.

“thank god she likes you or this would have been over,” you laugh turning to look at him in the eyes.

his eyes met yours, and he smiled.

“really? just like that?”

“just like that.”

you both stared at each other for a moment with goofy grins on your faces.

“come on, let’s get into something warmer.”

you laughed throwing your head into Harry shoulder as the two of you were curled up on your chase lounge. he had changed from his plane clothes into a pair of soft sweatpants and a sweatshirt. you had changed your socks and threw the other pair and your blanket into the dryer. you had FRIENDS playing in the background, but neither of you cared to watch.

“when did you know I was y’er soulmate?” Harry asked brushing your hair away from your face.

“when you and Kath called me?”

“no, you had to have known before then. I don’t believe that you didn’t know until a few months ago.”

“alright, fine,” you sighed taking his hands in your so that you could play with his fingers. “you remember when you were in one direction?”

“vaguely.”

you both laughed.

“so when you were on your take me home tour, I despised you guys.”

“WHAT?” his eyes grew wide at your statement.

“I thought your music was too familiar. I’m sorry. it wasn’t until I realized why it sounded so familiar. I heard it every night while you were on tour, and then I mentioned it to Kath and Eva-she’s our other friend. and, they thought it was weird that I heard your music every night in the exact order of your setlist, and they started planting ideas in my head that my soulmate was one of the guys in one direction.”

“I was totally convinced you were a fan back then. you were listening to my music all the time.”

“no,” you laughed. “that was Eva and Kath. they were obsessed. Kath had a cardboard cutout of Niall.”

Harry let out a loud laugh.

“she gave me Niall-girl vibes.”

“shut up,” you shoved him lightly. “don’t tell her I told you that.”

“no promises.”

“I swear. you can’t tell her that I told you that. she’ll skin us both alive.”

“okay. okay. secret is safe will me. now tell me when you knew.”

“okay, okay,” you said taking his hands back. “so after they were convinced that one of you was my soulmate, I looked you guys up. I went to youtube just as every new fan does, and I searched “one direction funny moments.” naturally, I found your video diaries-”

“oh god,” he pulled his hand back to cover his eyes.

“I watched all of them, and I started to fall in love you guys, but I wasn’t going to tell Kath or Eva that. I would have never heard the end of it. then, I came across your x-factor audition.”

you stopped talking to gauge his reaction. he peeked at you through his hand.

“that was my favorite song when I was fifteen.”

“I know. you listened to it a lot.” he removed his hand from his eyes.

“I remember hearing that amateur sing it over and over again, right around the time you would have auditioned.”

“amateur, excuse me, I am a professional,” he scoffed feigning offense.

“you weren’t then, Mr. Harry Styles.”

“so that’s when you knew? you’ve known since we were sixteen?”

“well, not really. I had an inkling. it made sense for it to be you. the audition, then hearing the tour setlist every night, then later I heard you recording your albums. I had an idea. it wasn’t really solid until I actually went to your shows.”

“god, my head hurt like hell the first time I played here.”

“it was like a ringing echo crushing my skull.”

“yeah.”

“I have to admit, the last show I went to wasn’t that bad.”

“hmmm?” he questioned peering over at you from where he had laid his head back.

“Kath got us front row tickets to your Live on Tour show.”

“ahhh, so that was you? I recognize you now. you were that pretty girl I gave that water bottle to. you were about to pass out.”

“can you blame me? you had just announced to the whole arena that your soulmate was there, and I was standing right there, knowing that you were probably my soulmate.”

“I tried to get you after the show.”

“what?”

“I sent security after you when the show was over, but they couldn’t find you. you left so quickly.”

“that sucks.” you curled yourself into his chest.

he laughed running a hand through your hair.

“that sucks? that’s all you have to say?”

“mhmm,” you murmur nodding your head gaining another laugh from your soulmate.

“wow.”

“so now that I answered your question, you have to answer one for me.”

“shoot.”

“falling.”

“oh.”

“that’s my dad’s piano melody. you put it in your song.”

“to be fair, it was a piece of you, and I was sad.”

“so the song is about me?”

“yeah, I wasn’t in a good place, and I wanted to find you. I messed up, and I didn’t know if you would love the version of myself that I was becoming. or, if I would love that person. it’s a conversation I imagined us having.”

you got up to look into his eyes while he was trying to look anywhere else.

“and now? do you love the person you are now?”

“I don’t know. I think I do, but I have my days.”

you ran a hand through his hair, and his eyes finally met yours.

“I’m proud of you,” you said with love swelling in your chest.

you really wanted to admit that you loved him, but you didn’t want to be the first person to drop that bomb so instead you told him that you were proud of him. you were. you were so immensely proud of him and everything that he has accomplished. you were proud of how he managed to carry himself and to be mindful of his mental health. he had been through a lot, and he was still here, grounded, sitting on your couch petting your dog.

“I’m proud of the person you have become,” you reiterated.

you stared into each other’s eyes for a bit. he played with the ends of your hair.

“I don’t want to freak you out. I know we’ve only really known each other for a short while, and perhaps this is just my sleep deprivation getting to me, but I want to tell you that I love you.”

you laugh planting your face into his chest. your fists clutch the front of his sweatshirt as you practically lay yourself on him.

“I’m completely serious.”

“I know,” you said pulling away to looking straight in the face. “and I want to tell you that I love you too.”

“good, good,” he said pulling you back to his chest. “glad we’re on the same page.”

“yeah,” you hum. “it’s definitely due to sleep deprivation though. we might regret it in the morning.”

“we might. promise you won’t regret it in the morning.”

“I pinky promise.” you threw your pinky finger up to him.

“pinky promise.” he entwined your pinky fingers together to lock in the promise.

you sleepily closed your eyes. you wrapped your arms around his chest. your head was laying in the nook of his neck.

“are you falling asleep on me?”

“figuratively and literally,” you murmur with your eyes closed.

“please tell me you don’t have to work tomorrow.”

“I do. I have to go in at eight.”

“nooooo,” he whined wrapping his arms around you.

“you and Marley can hang out and eat my food all day tomorrow. just save me something good.”

“okay,” he murmured into your hair before kissing your head.

“can we sleep here, or is it going to hurt your back?”

“I’ll be okay for one night. go to sleep. I’ll set an alarm for you.”

“okay, I need to be up by six.”

“I got ya.”

“thank you. goodnight. I love you.”

“goodnight, love. I love you.”

you fell asleep in the glow of your christmas tree with Harry gently pulling a blanket over the two of you.

you made your way up the frosty front walk to the steps of your front porch. your briefcase loosely hung from your shoulder as you jostled through your coat pocket to find your house keys. after finally retrieving your keys, you unlocked your front door only to be greeted by Marley.

“hi baby,” you greet reaching down to pet your puppy. “where’s Haz?”

“hi,” he said pulling your attention from your dog.

Harry stood in the entrance way of your kitchen drying his hands with a dish towel. you practically swooned at how hot he looked. Harry had the sleeves of his sweater rolled up to his elbows. his hair was gently pushed back, probably from the amount of times he ran his hand through his hair.

“hi,” you smile back at him before going to hang your bags up on the coat hooks by your door.

“how was work?” he asked helping you take off your coat.

“it was good. I started in on analyzing a new set of scans. it was interesting but busy,” you said grabbing your phone from your purse before turning around to face him. “what have you been up to all day?”

“Ahh, the dog and I went for a run.”

“you did?” you laugh looking up into his eyes.

“yeah, ya didn’t tell me that she tries to eat the leash when ya go faster than a light jog.”

you laugh at him resting your forehead against his chest.

“she does. I’m sorry. we’ll have to work on that.”

he wrapped his arms around you as you rest your chin on his chest to look up at him.

“after our run fiasco-”

“wait, aren’t the sidewalks partly frozen still?”

“I was getting there if ye give me a chance.”

“oh haz.”

“so after I started takin’ her back to the house with a light jog, I bit it on an ice patch and fell into a pile of street slush-”

“noooo, are you okay?” you asked trying to stifle your laugh.

“you can laugh. I’m fine. my ego is a bit bruised though. so after that, I did laundry. then, I decided to make dinner for us so I went to the store.”

“you made dinner?”

“yeah, just a simple spaghetti. I hope that’s okay? I probably should have asked if you had any dietary preferences or issues.”

“Harry, it’s fine. I like spaghetti.”

“good, good. we should probably go eat then. hopefully, Marley didn’t help herself already.”

“no, she’s right here,” you nod your head into her direction.

Harry turned his head to her.

“oh hello,” he said to her before turning back to you. “come on, let’s eat.”

he led you back to your kitchen to your small breakfast table that he had decorated with candles and a pretty tablecloth.

“you really pulled out all the stops.”

“I had to impress a pretty lady,” he said pulling your chair out for you.

“wine?”

“yes, please.”

two plates and a bottle of wine later, you were both curled up on the couch together once more. you had worked together on the dishes, and whatever was left of your dinner was boxed up and placed in the fridge for leftovers.

“do we tell people?” you murmur to him with your head resting on his shoulder.

“people?” he asked moving his head to look at you.

“yeah, like our families and friends.”

“ah people. we should probably tell them.”

“unless you want it to be just us for a while. until we really get to know each other.”

“I don’t think it would hurt to just mention it to our inner circles.”

“that sounds good,” you nod against his chest.

“who’s in y’er inner circle?”

“my parents and brother, probably. then, maybe my cousin-we’re pretty close-and maybe Kath and Eva.”

“sounds like a solid inner circle.”

“who’s in your inner circle?”

“my mom, sister, and sometimes, dad. then, probably Mitch and Sarah. for work purposes, I would probably have to tell Jeff, but we can stall on that until I have to get back to work.”

“ugh, please don’t go back to work,” you whine wrapping your arms around him. “I’m kidding. you can always go back to work. I’m just gonna miss you. I would sew myself to your skin if I could.”

“creepy.”

you laughed. you had to admit you were a bit tipsy.

“I work in criminology. you’re gonna get some gallows humor from me.”

“I’ll take it. and, I don’t want to get back to work yet. I want to stay here as long as possible,” he said into your hair. “just you, me, and the dog.”

you giggle. yes, you’re giggling now.

“yes, you, me, and our Moogie,” you repeat. “isn’t that right, Moogie?” you asked Marley as she watched the two of you from her spot on the couch on the other side of Harry.

she let out a soft sigh. she was getting tired of being the third wheel. you both chuckle at her before Harry got back to the conversation at hand.

“should we text our families?”

��you want to tell our families over text?” you ask him wide eyed.

he shrugged.

“how would you do?”

“a sober phone call tomorrow morning.”

“oof, I guess that’s slightly better. would you chicken out if you were sober?”

“maybe,” you shrug. “do you really want to do it now?”

he shrugged once more. he was a man of very few words when it came to big decisions. that’s what you were at least finding out now.

“okay,” you respond whipping out your phone before downing the rest of your wine glass. you pressed a few buttons before putting the phone up to your ear. “mom, hi, how are you?”

you pulled yourself off the couch and started pacing around the family room as you talked to your mom on the phone. Harry stared at you with wide eyes, watching you to see what you’re gonna say.

“so mom, the reason I’m calling-is dad with you?,” you flash Harry a nervous grin before you continue. “put me on speaker. no, everything is fine, just put me on speaker. okay-mom are you listening?” you brush a hand through your hair. “you’re listening? okay. the reason I’m calling is because I found my soulmate.”

Harry watched your expression as you listened to their response.

“it’s a guy, yes,” you laugh. “oh my god, would it have been so horrible if it wasn’t. jesus, mom.”

Harry laughed at you before reaching his arms out to you. you took that as an invitation to sit in his lap.

“he’s very nice…he’s staying at my place right now…WE JUST MET…yes, he is very respectful, and he’s been super good to me.”

you could feel Harry’s laugh against your back. you lean your head back to stick your tongue out at him.

“you guys can’t meet him yet,” you say jumping out of his arms to start pacing again. “because I want to spend more time getting to know him before he has to get back to work. no mom, he’s not from (your hometown).” you meet Harry’s eyes, and he gives you a perplexed look. “he’s from out of state.” you shrug at him. “yeah, that’s probably why everything was so quiet.” you listened to her ramble before you figured this conversation needed to be over. “listen mom, I will call you later this week to tell you more about everything, but I’m tired and I have a busy day tomorrow…okay, I will talk to you later…thanks, I’m excited too…yes, I will tell you all about him later…okay, love you. bye.”

you hung up your phone before collapsing back into Harry.

“I did my part. your turn” you pat his chest.

“it’s 4 am in England right now. I’ll call in the morning,” he murmured into your hair while he wrapped his arms around you.

“good,” you say burying your face into his sweater. “I want you to myself tonight.”

you could feel him laugh through his chest.

“what did y’er mum say?”

“she wants to meet you. they’re happy for us though. they were starting to think there was no hope for me.”

“that’s good. I think my mum and sister will be happy too.”

“I hope so,” you say looking into his eyes. “I hope they like me.”

“they will. they’ll love you. I just hope your family likes me.”

“oh, they love you,” you laugh running a hand through his hair. “they love The Harry Styles, from my many years of being a fan of one direction, they have to love you at this point. but, they’re gonna love just Harry too.”

“oooo, risky question. who’s girl were yeh? were yeh a Liam-girl or a Niall-girl?” he smiled as you laughed at his question.

“I’ve always been a Harry-girl.”

“ye’r just saying that,” he said throwing his head back. “that’s such a cop out.”

“I’m not,” you said sitting up. “it’s always been you.”

“are you okay that I’m just Harry?” he blurts out biting his lip. you could tell that he had been thinking about this for a while. “you’re not in this just because I’m The Harry Styles.”

“I love just Harry,” you say placing your hand on his cheek. “don’t get me wrong, The Harry Styles is pretty cool, but I would still love just Harry if he was still the boy in the bakery.”

“I want to kiss ya right now.”

you stared into his eyes as he held your gaze. his eyes were filled with such admiration and love.

“okay.”

with that, he placed a hand behind your ear and pulled you to him. he placed his lip against yours and kissed you. you placed your other hand on his cheek as you kissed him back. he kissed you again deeper as you moved to straddle him. he moved both of his hands to your hips as he pulled you closer.

you pull away to take a breath, resting your forehead against his.

“I love you.”

he reached up to tuck a piece of your hair behind your ear.

“I love ya so damn much.”

you pressed your lips against his once more. you kissed him until you were breathless. he wrapped his hand in your hair while the other was around your waist. you continued to make out until you felt a cold, wet nose against your cheek.

you jumped pulling away from Harry to start at the culprit. Marley stared at you before letting out a small deep bark.

you start to laugh before collapsing into Harry’s shoulder. he wrapped his arms around you as he began to laugh with you. Marley let out another loud bark at the two of you. you began to pry yourself out of Harry’s arms.

“she has to go out,” you tell him as you get off his lap. “let’s go Marley.” you pat your leg for her to follow you. in response, she jumped off the couch and followed you to your back door.

you stood at the back door as your watched Marley roam around your fenced-in yard for a minute. she seemed okay as she explored.

you made your way back to your living room before collapsing into Harry’s lap once again.

“where were we?”

you woke up the next morning in your bed with Marley at your feet. with bleary eyes, you slapped your hand against the spot next to you to find it empty. you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes as you sat up. you listened for the shower, but you only heard a muffled voice coming from your living room.

you pulled the covers from your body before putting on Harry’s sweater from the night before. your bare feet padded through your hallway before you made it to your living room with Marley following behind you.

you found Harry shirtless on your couch with his phone pressed to his ear. you plopped yourself down next to him as he sent you a smile.

“yeah, mum, she’s great, and I can’t wait for you to meet her.”

you smiled as you placed your head on his shoulder.

“she’s awake now so I’m gonna call ya later, okay?” he murmured into the phone. “bye mum, love ya.” you waited a few moments as he hung up the phone.

once he was done, he wrapped an arm around you pulling you close.

“how did ya sleep?” he asked before kissing your head.

“good,” you murmur into his chest. “what did your mom say?”

“she was happy. I called Gem before her, and they are both really excited. they were both skeptical at first, just wanting to make sure, that it was right. that I wasn’t being an idiot. once I explained the whole thing, they were really happy for us. they really want to meet you.”

“yay,” you say turning to wrap your arms around his shoulders.

“I see a trip to London for us in the future.”

“yay for us.” you look up at his eyes from where you had your head buried into his shoulder.

“do you want to tell Kath and Eva?” he asks meeting your eyes.

“yeah, we can text them.”

“oh, so you just want to text them? no phone calls?”

“saves us from the screaming,” you say pointing at him.

he laughed pulling you closer.

“true, true.”

“let’s just send them a selfie. I trust them.”

“you sure?” he raised an eyebrow at you.

“absolutely. we can tell them to keep it quiet for a bit. that we want privacy and stuff. they’ll get it.”

“okay, let’s do it.”

with that, you got up from his lap and padded back to your bedroom. you snagged your phone from its charger before making your way back to the couch. you slide back into your spot next to him. you held you phone up to take the picture, but he had other ideas. he pushed you back on the couch. you fell on your back laughing as he laid his head on your chest. you fixed your phone.

“smile,” you laugh as you clicked the button to take the picture.

“send it,” he murmured looking up at you. he wrapped his arms around you as you moved to type your message to the group chat with your friends.

you: keep it quiet, but I have acquired a soulmate.

“I sent it,” you say putting your phone down to look at him. “do we want to make breakfast?”

“yes,” he says getting off you to place a kiss on your forehead. he grabbed your hand to pull you up with him. “let’s eat.”

as you both made your way to the kitchen, Harry let Marley out the back door before placing himself at the counter.

“y’er phone is blowing up.” he slid your phone across the counter to you.

“oh boy,” you say opening your messages from Kath and Eva.

Kath: HOLY FUCK IT HAPPENED

Kath: tell Harry hi for me

Kath: I’m so happy for you both

Eva: OH MY GOD

Eva: is that Harry Styles?

Eva: OH MY GOD WE WERE RIGHT

Eva: YOUR SOULMATE WAS IN ONE DIRECTION

Eva: QUEEN I CALLED IT

Eva: I am also very happy for you both. Call us later with details.

you laughed before showing Harry the messages. he smiled as you typed back a ‘thank you.’

“breakfast?”

“breakfast.”

you and Harry made small talk as you made breakfast together. you were just happy that your small world was getting a bit bigger. you loved your little life with Harry in your small home, and you couldn’t wait for this to be the rest of your life, even if he had to get back to work eventually.

hi! i’m sorry this took me so long to write. this is the end of the official series, but if you want me to write one shots based on soulmate!harry let me know! i’m on my winter break for a while so i should have more time to write. anyway, i hope you enjoyed. feel free to send requests - mosh

taglist:

@winchesterwife27

@awesomebooklover17

@2410slb

@inmygardensuit

@thefangirlsblog

@swtxel

i hope i got everyone’s tags!

#harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles x reader #harry styles #harrystyles

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tundrainafrica · 3 years

Note

I need to take this out of my lungs, HANGE AND LEVI AS MIA WALLACE AND VINCENT VEGA FROM PULP FICTION oof 💖💖

Title: No Foot Massages

Summary:

'You’re taking care of a married woman, Levi. No foot massages'

"Romance was something that came slowly, a mysterious thing he never dared to test without putting the time and effort. Yet at the same time, he was aware that the smallest things could constitute cheating or ‘stealing’ with the right context and the most convenient explanations.

So Levi decided to keep it simple. Keep it distant. Keep it casual. Keep it fun."

Levi is ordered to take care of a married Hange for a weekend.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Note:

That movie was just... a roller coaster ride really.

This ended up a quick fic I wrote in between some meeting we were forced to attend outside office hours.

You might be disappointed by the lack of sex and drugs compared to the actual movie. But I'm leaving my adult content for another one shot ;)

“A new mission?”

Erwin nodded and rested his chin on his hands. “Looks like our boss is gonna be gone for the weekend, on a trip to the Middle East and he’s leaving his wife alone in the house. You think you can handle taking care of her?”

Levi raised one eyebrow. “He has a wife? What’s her name?”

“Hange Zoe.”

“How did they meet?”

Erwin shrugged. “How else do rich people meet their wives?”

“They pick the prettiest woman around right?” Because they can. Levi added to himself. Somehow though, a name had so easily accompanied the face. And she wasn’t at all what people would have concluded to be ‘the prettiest woman around.’

Erwin narrowed his eyes at Levi. “I know what you’re thinking.”

“What am I thinking? I just thought she wouldn’t be the prettiest woman around. Not enough to attract the richest person within the walls right?”

“But why are you making that face?”

“What face?”

“The face of intention…” Erwin gave him a knowing look.

A face of intention? Even before Levi though could figure out how exactly he had looked to Erwin, the latter continued speaking.

“Do you know what happens when someone lays a hand on Marsellus’ wife? Do you remember what happened to Moblit?” Erwin asked.

Moblit? It had been a while since Levi heard that name, or has seen him walking through the hallways in between meetings.

“Well, our big boss sent some of his men after him. They broke into his apartment and pushed him out the window. ”

That was enough explanation at least for Levi to remember… Moblit was dead. “For what?”

“On account of one Hange Zoe.”

“What did he do? Fuck her?”

“He gave her a foot massage.”

“A foot massage?”

Erwin nodded his head.

“But… what if her feet just hurt?” Levi asked.

“It’s laying hands on his wife that’s the problem.”

“He gave her a foot massage. Foot massages are nothing.”

“By laying hands I mean, laying hands in a familiar way. It’s not the same as fucking her or eating her out but I’m sure you can agree that they’re in the same field right?”

Levi though, was still very much new to the nuances of romance. The world had only recently opened up to him and he was still very much unfamiliar with the cultures outside his own small country. He wrinkled his nose and sighed. Let’s keep it simple. “Okay, so I just have to take her out, keep her happy for just one weekend,” he asked. “And no foot massages right?”

“You’re taking care of a married woman, Levi. No foot massages”

“That’s easy enough,” Levi said. He turned on his heel and walked out of the room.

Romance was something that came slowly, a mysterious thing he never dared to test without putting the time and effort. Yet at the same time, he was aware that the smallest things could constitute cheating or ‘stealing’ with the right context and the most convenient explanations.

So Levi kept it simple. Keep it distance. Keep it casual. Keep it fun.

Erwin’s last three words, he kept like a mantra, a little guideline Levi allowed himself as he approached their mansion.

No foot massages.

*****

“Oh, so you’re captain Levi?”

“You can call me Levi.” We don’t use terms like captain in my job. Levi said silently. But he didn’t mind such a term. The way it had rolled off her tongue had been a little too seamless to have been worth a verbal correction.

Hange settled on the sofa in front of him. The sofa could have fit three people but Hange managed to occupy three people’s worth of space with the way she stretched her legs so messily and if Levi angled his view a little lower, he might have seen something which could have had him thrashed like Moblit.

“Levi huh? Well, given my husband’s position. I guess that makes me your boss too right?” Hange asked.

I only answer to Erwin, and by extension, your husband. That at least had been what was taught to him since he started his job. But somehow, he felt more inclined to listen to Hange first.

“You have anywhere in mind you want to go?”

Hange hummed. “My husband keeps me really busy… so it has been a while since I got to go out like this. To be honest though, I don’t know much about the town. Do you have anything in mind?”

“There’s a new diner in town… Niccolo’s been cooking for Sasha a lot lately so I heard they’ve been offering more in the menu lately.”

Hange grinned. “Then let’s go?”

*****

“What do you think?” Levi asked as they settled into one of the booths in the corner of the restaurant.

Hange didn’t reply. Her face was completely hidden by the menu in front of her. And all Levi did get in return for his consideration were a few hums of approval.

“Your husband is paying. Get whatever you want.”

“Well, I heard Niccolo makes a great milkshake. And Sasha said the seafood from Marley is particularly delicious… So what about lobster?”

“Then we order two lobsters and two milkshakes.” Levi looked at his own menu. The numbers came in two digits, sometimes three.. Something Levi had never gotten used to having grown up in the underground and he found himself having to grip the menu a little harder to stop himself from dropping it. “Wait, you’re willing to pay this much for a milkshake? And Hange… The price of lobster?”

“Why? What’s wrong? These are pretty reasonable prices. It’s not like we can actually get these locally.”

But is your husband willing to pay for the lobster and the milkshake of his own employee? Levi felt the panic well inside him. At the same time, he was still conscious enough to know that such a monster like panic manifested in wide eyes and a sweaty brow. And for once, Levi found himself thanking the lord for that awkward height difference. Made it all the easier to put the menu in front of him.

“My husband told you right? You take me out to do whatever I want this weekend. And I want my lobster and I want my milkshake.”

*****

“We just ate. And you wanna dance?”

Hange only had to look at the stage to answer that question. She had that longing look in her eye, and when she looked back at him, it morphed into something, an expression Levi could have sworn he had only ever seen in dogs. “Levi… You know, I never get to leave the house. Especially when my husband’s home.”

Hange didn’t need the explanation though. Levi had already given in when she had given him that look and we had allowed himself that extra few seconds to stare a little longer. But even before he could give a nod of submission, Hange’s face brightened. She quickly stood up and pulled him along all the way to the top of the stage.

Levi focused on the blinding lights above him. Undoubtedly, it hurt. But for someone who never did get used to having at least fifty people watching him, it was still a better view.

“What a lovely couple we have here!” Niccolo of all people was at the center of the stage microphone in hand. With his free hand he pulled Hange to the front. “Could you introduce yourself and your partner here?”

“Hange Zoe here,” Hange said, with the widest grin on her face.

The crowd exploded into murmurs and among them Levi heard something about a ‘big boss’ and a ‘wife.’

Hey shitty four eyes, you’re gonna have me killed. Levi had reached out his leg half way, ready to kick her in the shin when Hange spoke up again.

“No, Levi here is not my partner. He’s just taking care of me for the weekend.”

There were ‘awws’ of disappointment among the audience and maybe a few heckles. Before Levi even gave in to that bout of self consciousness, looking back at the stairs behind him, Hange had pulled him to the middle of the dance floor. “Come on! Let’s win this.”

The heckles eventually transformed into cheers but Levi had to shake his hips for a few seconds or even a minute longer than he wanted too just to placate that hungry crowd.

He couldn’t dance for sure. He didn’t have the coordination to move everything at once. At that moment, the only thing he did feel was his hips, he jutted out with a few arm movements to add some color at least. That seemingly ridiculous movement though did nothing to erase the nervousness and the tension he felt then.

He looked up at Hange. She was smiling, much more confidently. And a few times she closed her eyes and swayed her head to the music. And she was closer, closer than Levi would have liked. He pulled away, keeping the swaying of his hips and the waving of his arms in check and as he did get a wider view of her, a head to toe view, he became a little more nervous and a little more self conscious.

He was a horrible dancer. He felt it in the way, his body could only move in sharp movements. And he had imagined how he looked to the crowd, a constant mixture of cheers and murmurs. And maybe a few laughs.

But that was the thing. With a limited view of Hange, he could just rely on his imagination to give him a merciful picture of how he looked. But when he stepped back, Hange became a top to bottom picture, a moving picture, her movements too sharp and a little too stiff. With her as reference, Levi became a little more conscious of how the hell he looked at that moment.

Am I that stiff? Levi thought to himself. In reply, his joints creaked to the unnatural movements, his arms shot up and he waved them like he was waving some sort of sword. And his movements although swift, were sharp, they jutted in directions a little too mechanical to have been considered a dance.

And Hange who had closed her eyes, and shaken her head and all directions within a few seconds, who had shot her hands up in the same way, moving her hands and her chest one direction and another, looked fucking ridiculous too.

Levi considered closing his eyes for a second, to at least get into the rhythm and maybe forget the audience behind him, but Hange, with her eyes closed in front of him, looked all the more ridiculous having chosen to forget everything around her.

I could close my eyes and forget... And for a while, as Levi did stare at Hange, he considered following suit.

Levi found an alternative though, an alternative that was so much better in the moment that Levi didn’t even bother weighing or comparing it to anything else. He jumped for that alternative a little too hastily. He rushed towards her, until all he saw in his vision was her face, then when all he saw was her eyes right in front of his.

She opened her brown velvety eyes and for a second, they were the only things he was seeing. But the view had only lasted a second. Too little time to count the colors in her eyes and too little time to admire her lashes and how beautifully they all formed such a unique shape between almond and round.

“Levi what the--”

And even before he could start admiring such a view, he felt a blinding pain, smack on his face.

“What the f---”

The whole word had been against him then, not even allowing him a single taut curse at such a cruel turn of events. They were at the edge of the stage and it turned out they had been for a long while.

And they were fucking idiots. Or so, that was what Levi realized, they were idiots enough that they had only noticed it themselves that they had been going in too many directions at once, only when they found himself tumbling down the stairs.

And Levi did only have a second to process that part, before the world had gone black.

*****

“You won’t tell him right? He’ll kill me.”

“Believe me, he’ll kill me too.”

“So how are you going to explain that,” Levi asked, gesturing a little too subtly at Hange’s swollen ankle propped on the coffee table in front of her.

“Well, how are you gonna explain that…” Hange asked, gesturing at him in general.

Levi didn’t have to look at the mirror to know what she was talking about. His skin was taut and he felt a dull pain spread out across his nose, he was sure at the best case scenario his nose and his cheeks were bruised. But that was the least of his problems then, he wasn’t sure if he’d still be alive and worrying about a possibly broken nose by the end of that week.

“I’m sure he wouldn’t care too much of a minion is bruised up. The more important thing is his wife doesn’t come out of this worse off.” Levi got up and went to the kitchen. “You’re going to have to wrap that.”

Levi’s penchant for cleanliness and orderliness had made it a little too easy for him to deduce where the first aid supplies would be hidden in such a high end house and Levi found himself back in the living room a second later, bandages in hand. He dropped it on the coffee table next to her.

“Here,” he said. He sat in front of her, leaning one elbow on his knee, propping his chin on his elbow.

Hange only returned his look, with an expectant one of her own.

“What?”

“Well…” Hange stretched out. “It would be a little awkward if I tried to bind my own ankle right? What if I fall off the couch?”

No foot massages. Erwin’s words echoed in Levi’s mind as he stared at the swollen foot in front of him for a little longer than what would have been normal.

And Hange noticed. “You don’t know how?”

“I know how to bind a sprained ankle.”

“Then why don’t you?”

No Foot Massages. Their words loomed on him like a ghost and as Levi gripped the roll of bandages, unravelling them slowly, he started to realize, there was no way of wrapping bandages on a sprained ankle, without caressing, without gripping at her injured foot and without pressing at a few areas as he tightened the bandage and got rid of the few pockets of air.

But I had to do this right? He can’t kill me for giving her the care she needs...

But just in case, he did make sure to confirm with her. “This doesn’t count as a foot massage right?”

*****

That weekend passed by in blur. Or maybe because he didn’t want it to end. And the world had proved multiple times already that it was constantly on a mission to fuck him over.

Saturday and Sunday were peaceful, too peaceful that it shouldn’t have gone too fast. Then, with nothing much to do but nurse his broken nose, keep Hange company, and nurse her through the first few 24 hours of dealing with a swollen ankle

And with nothing else to stimulate his mind or his senses but the brunette next to him on the sofa, Levi started to notice something a little more glaring.

“You haven’t showered since I came here.”

“Okay, thank you for that statement,” Hange said, not even looking up from the book she was reading.

“That’s not a statement. That’s a light suggestion.”

“Okay, I can ignore the suggestion.”

“It’s a request.”

“Well requests can be rejected right?”

“I would appreciate it if you explain why you’re rejecting that request.”

Hange gave her bandaged ankle a long stare, looked back at Levi then back at her book.

“Then I’ll help you to the bathroom.”

“No. I’m at a good part.”

“Well, I can’t stand you stinking up the house either.”

“This is my house. I can let it stink how much I want!”

Pulling her out of the couch had been a blur of an ordeal. He felt like he had done it many times before so even with the flailing of arms, the screams and despite all that, the great care he had to take with her sprained ankle, he had managed to forget it all as he sat outside her bedroom, letting the sound of the running water calm him down.

“You okay in there?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Her words were garbled, cracked between syllables and Levi found himself peeking in, just to check if she had been okay.

“Hey…”

A mop of hair should have been visible, even with the steam that blanketed the bathroom. Alarmingly, there had been nothing there.

“Hange, are you there? Hey, don’t die on me fucker.”

“I’m fine… Levi… I’m just tired.” Hange said, between bubbles and short breaths.

“I’m not leaving this room.”

“Then don’t leave,” Hange said, as she sat up a little straighter on the bathtub. And that was when Levi saw it, the hesitation, the recoil. He heard it soon after, the creak then the whimper.

“Tired isn’t supposed to be painful.”

“Well I’m exhausted and sometimes being exhausted is painful.”

Didn’t we spend the past few days doing nothing though? Levi thought to himself. But time had been an illusion the past few days and he could have sworn only a few seconds had passed by since that long dance in the diner. Even with the past two days of doing nothing, somehow he did understand the exhaustion.

In fact, he understood it a little too well. His own instinct had been to approach her, reach out a hand on her shoulder and squeeze. Her shoulders were hard and for a while, it had felt like they were pushing back.

But Levi was strong and he easily won that small battle with that knot on her shoulder.

Hange let out stilted breath. “That felt good.”

“Why is your body so stiff…” Levi asked as he ran his hands over her shoulder. He squeezed points right after the other, and her body could have been made of those knots and he wouldn’t have been too surprised. It was unsettling and almost terrifying.

“I told you. My husband overworks me all the time.”

“But really what do you do…”

“I work… I work everyday.” Hange said.

“Work for what…” Levi continued as he ran his hands up her neck.

Hange stretched her neck, letting out a resounding crack. “I don’t wanna disappoint…”

Disappoint him? His hands were over her damp hair, and he found himself amazed by how easily his fingers had untangled the waves in her hair.

“Disappoint?”

Hange turned to him and stood up.

“Disappoint him?” Levi asked. And as the haze cleared, as Hange stood up, and grabbed the towel, for a second Levi did see her raw, damp and very much exposed.

Exposed in ways that only her husband should have had the privilege to see. And Levi only noticed it then.

No foot messages right? Foot massages were actually very innocent things.

By laying hands I mean, laying hands in a familiar way. In fact, foot massages were such innocent things, Levi would have been happy to confess to a foot massage if it meant forgetting everything else he had done.

Fuck, he’s not just gonna be disappointed. He’s gonna be angry. Furious. He’s gonna fucking kill me.

And the steam chose that moment to disperse, the steam chose the moment when Hange was looking back at him yet still a good many movements away from wrapping that towel around herself.

And for some reason, Levi couldn't move. He couldn't walk away nor could he put his eyes up in some sort of defense. The only thing he had control of then had been his voice. But would she listen?

Either way, it was worth a try. “Hange, stop. Don’t!”

“You didn’t sleep well last night did you?”

Levi’s blinked back from that last view. That transition had been a little too abrupt. In what world would steam, with the silhouette of a naked Hange open up to a pile of paperwork on a desk? His mind had asked him then.

A voice had broken through his mindspace to answer it. “You looked like you were having a bad dream there. You okay?”

Levi looked up to see Hange clad in survey corps green coat, like she always had been, every single day before that.

And that… That was a fucking dream. Levi let out a long sigh. He wasn’t some low life stealing someone’s wife. He was a captain. And Hange was his commander.

“I’m fine. Sorry I dozed off for a while. How long was I out?”

“Around 12, I came back from a quick lunch and found you asleep. So looking at the watch now… Two hours?”

“And you didn’t wake me up?”

“You looked tired,” Hange said matter-of-factly, she said it too calmly that to Levi, it had been almost painful hearing it. Hange didn’t look like she had slept well either, her worry lines were more apparent and her eyes tended to droop a little more than usual.

And Levi found himself focusing particularly on the way her shoulders dropped yet at the same time stiffened. From a meter away, Levi could already pick out the knots on her shoulders and he was certain she never did give them a proper stretch. “You always look tired. That’s why I’ve told you many times before, give me some of your work.”

“No need to deal with any of those, I fixed the purchase orders already.”

“What about these?” Levi asked as he read through the topmost paper.

“I read through and documented everything already.”

“Then why are they here?”

“You’re still the head of the special squad. So I thought you’d want to review the purchase orders for the weapons.”

“I could have dealt with this myself,” Levi narrowed his eyes at Hange.

“Well it’s done at least. Doesn’t matter who did it.”

“No. It does. You’re constantly tired,” Levi said. “You might get sick or hell, you might drop dead at the rate you’re going.”

“I’m commander, it’s my job to read through all this.” Hange walked back to her desk and gently tapped the stack of papers on her desk.

“I can take some of that,” Levi offered.

Hange shook her head. “These are reports on the installation of the new train line. I don’t think this is the type of paperwork I can easily hand over to anyone else. Just read through the purchase orders, tell me if I missed anything.”

Even when Hange was requesting something with such a serious face, it had almost sounded pleading. And Levi felt almost obligated to look through every single one of the records very carefully, even after poring through more than half of them and coming up fairly convinced that there would be no mistakes among the pages worth of purchase orders.

No calculation errors. No typos. Levi had spent the last two hours before the sun set, even doing some quick calculations and estimations through them to be sure. Hange was thorough.

Before Levi knew it, the office started to come out looking a light orange, a far cry from the dull rustic brown hue that blanketed it most of the day.

It had been a comforting view long ago, when it had been a sign of the end of a long busy day.

But recently, Hange had been staying longer, even after the bright orange faded into purples and into a dark blue, even long after Hange had to turn on dim light. What had been the most unsettling part for Levi though had been the fact that she never did go home. When he entered the office in the morning she was there. When he left the house for the night she was there.

As if she were married to her job.

“Hey.”

Hange looked up, catching his gaze. “You need something?”

Her eyes were glossy from what could have been a constant stream of exhaustion and somehow that made Levi all the more determined to get her out. “What’s your plan tomorrow?”

Hange shrugged. “Depends what I finish tonight.”

“You haven’t taken a rest in so long. It’s like you’re married to your job.”

“I don’t wanna disappoint,” Hange explained. “Erwin made me commander for a reason.”

“We never got to check out that one fancy restaurant. I heard that Marleyan soldier makes really good food.”

“New shipments are coming tomorrow so I’m going to have to go to the port and---”

“That can wait until tomorrow,” Levi approached her table, placing his hand gently on the edge. “One night. Forget about your work for one night. I promise, we’ll have a great time.”

Hange raised one eyebrow. “A great time? It’s been a while since I had one.”

“And all I’m asking for is one night. You’re not happy married to your work.”

Hange sighed. “Actually you might be right. I have been pretty miserable lately. Maybe because I never give myself a break.” She pushed the papers haphazardly to one side of the table. “One night,” she repeated.

They could have taken the carriage to the restaurant and could have been there in five minutes. But somehow, Levi was scrambling for reasons to make the night last longer. And Hange didn’t protest.

They were walking through the more silent parts of town. The walk took them through winding paths that only prolonged their trek to the restaurant. Although they were very much familiar with that part of town, neither of them protested such a silent decision.

“You know, you were smiling in your sleep for a while,” Hange said.

“Was I?”

“Then suddenly, you were frowning. Then you woke up screaming,” Hange said, widening her eyes in emphasis. “Was it a bad dream?”

Was it? “I don’t know.”

“How can you not know?”

“It had good parts and bad parts.”

“What makes you say that?”

“There were a lot of things which happened there, which I wish could happen in real life… And other parts were just…” Levi trailed off. He felt himself shudder just thinking of that phantom husband of Hange.

“Things you wish could happen? You mean… like a happy ending after the war or something?”

Some of the pictures though had Levi cringing and unable to stop that grimace that played at his lips. Levi looked away as soon as he felt the blood rush to his face. “What about… You enjoy tonight… Like enjoy to your heart’s content, take a great rest. And I’ll tell you.”

“I think this is the first time I’ve seen you so eager to hide something from me. ” Hange let out one whistle, one provocative whistle that only served to make Levi’s blood boil. “But I’ll hold you to do that.

#levihan #levihan fanfiction #fanfic

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damn-stark · 2 years

Note

THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL CHAPTER AS ALWAYS QUEENIE.

The fight scenes were jam packed and intense. The Ackerman cousins really being THAT duo. AS ALWAYS.

Also, not Jean thinking that just because he asked for Mikasa’s blessing, that it meant he didn’t have to ask Levi for his LMFAOOO. MF said “well…I asked Mikasa so…same difference🧐.” LIKE😭💀💀💀 But anyways, it really hurt to see Cherry call herself ‘ugly’. Especially because of how she has been brought up. Looking good has always been of importance to her, and to see her be insecure about things she had no control over killed me LOWKEY. BUT I KNOW THAT HAD TO HAVE MADE JEANS HEART HURT TOO. SEEING THE WOMAN HE IS SO DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH, THE WOMAN WHO IN HIS EYES HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FLAWS??? DOUBTING HERSELF??? I’m just glad he as always, being the great partner he is, was so reassuring.

But Cherry girl finding out about her mom??? I can’t even imagine all the other questions she must have running through her mind. Especially after finding out about her younger siblings too. It would be cool to see her meet them after this is all over.

Also seeing this new side of Levi really has me in a literal pile of mush. You can really tell how the “loss” of Cherry really had opened up his heart more to be more comforting, gentle, and openly affectionate towards her. And I just know hearing her say that she’s ready to sacrifice her heart made him proud.

And we finally kinda got to see Cherry air out a little about what went on back at Marley. And that right there, you can really tell how badly that place has engraved her and traumatized her. Which I’m sure made Levi so worried, and only regret not being there to protect her from it.

The end, hearing her talking about going back home really reminded me of this song: Take Me Home- Chord Overstreet

Thank you for this author!! You never fail to give such beautifully detailed chapters, with rollercoasters of emotions. Can’t wait for the next Cherry and potentially last Cherry thursday😩😩

ME AT THE RESTAURANT WHILE I WAS READING THESE VERY SWEET COMMENTS ❤️❤️❤️

YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH I LOOKED FORWARD TO GETTING THIS WHEN I POST. AND NOT ONLY YOURS BUT EVERYONE ELSES ❤️❤️❤️ IT MAKES MY DAY TO READ ALL YOUR COMMENTS THAT YOU HAD THROUGHOUT THE CHAPTER!!! LIKE AGHH!!!

I DO PLAN ON WRITING CHERRY MEETING HER MOTHER!!! AND HER BROTHERS!! LIKE I ALREADY HAVE IT PLANNED AND EVERYTHING!! AND LEVI WAS SO PROUD OF HER DEDICATION even if HEARING HER BREAKDOWN DID MAKE HIM SAD!!

AND YESSS THE SONG!! IT MATCHES, I LISTENED TO IT AND ITS SO SAD! BUT NOT ONLY THAT SONG BUT “MY TEARS RICOCHET” BY TAYLOR SWIFT, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE SAYS “and I can anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home” 😭😩

Thank you so much once again, and I can’t wait to share what’s coming next!!! Love ya and take care ❤️❤️

#cherry #fanfiction #attack on titan fanfiction #damn-stark #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #chapter 28

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mirthful-sonnet · 3 years

Text

Rise Above the Ashes | Chapter 2

Summary: Jean and Mikasa grow closer while battling with their inner demons. Jean feels alienated in his own country and realizes in a brutal way that the Alliance’s endeavors for peace may be harder than he expected.

Notes: Thanks once again to @deans-ch-ch-cherrypie for beta reading this and putting up with my fandoms cause she must be so confused what this is about lmao

Warning: One short depiction of graphic violence

Ao3 link

“Stop moving.”

Mikasa froze, a startled look on her face as she tried to stay still.

Jean chuckled, turning back to his sketchbook. The afternoon was pleasant, with the bright sun profiled against a blue, cloudless sky. The only sounds were those of the light breeze and the strokes of graphite against paper.

The drawing was taking shape, the outlines of Mikasa’s likeness staring back at him from the page. He turned his eyes back onto Mikasa, and he thought that no matter how hard he tried he could never do justice to her actual beauty. She broke from her pose again and stared back at him.

“Mikasa,” he said, both in amusement and disapproval.

Mikasa ducked her head and muttered an apology, trying to go back to her former pose once again, with her body slightly turned away from him while staring to the side. They had found a secluded spot while everyone else was back at the farm. Jean had been trying to spend more time with her since their encounter at Eren’s grave.

He learned that she had a house near the farm while occasionally working as an informant for Historia and found himself as a constant guest along with Armin. The three of them had established a sort of routine in which whenever they had time they would meet up at her house and have dinner together. Jean would be lying if he said that being a part of this routine didn’t make him feel good.

Their current position in the grassy corner resulted from Mikasa catching him flicking through his old sketchbook. He did not plan on taking anything from his home in Trost when he reunited with his mother. But this sketchbook was a vestige from a time where there was much less violence and heartache in his life, and he took it with him.

There were portraits from most of the people he had met as a Scout. There was even a portrait of Eren, which Mikasa had stopped to stare at with an unfathomable look on her face before Jean broke the tension with a joke about what a lousy model Eren had been. It led to Mikasa asking him why he never drew a portrait of her, to which Jean could not offer any other explanation than that he had simply never worked up the courage to ask her.

Now they were in this quiet spot, enjoying the peaceful afternoon together. He added the finishing touches before sitting more comfortably on the spread blanket and admiring his work.

“It’s done,” Jean said, and Mikasa turned to him. He gave her the finished drawing, awaiting her reaction. She appeared taken aback when seeing her portrait, staring at it for a long while before turning to him.

“It’s amazing, Jean,” she said, and Jean felt a little embarrassed at the frankness in her face, not knowing how to react. “I would only say that she’s too beautiful to be me.”

There was a jesting tone in her voice, but Jean immediately replied. “Then that means I did an accurate job.”

Mikasa widened her eyes slightly before looking down, and Jean mentally berated himself.

He had been careful not to make things strange between them, especially now that his feelings were messier than ever. The last thing he wanted was to make her uncomfortable.

Jean had successfully locked away that part of himself when he realized the place Eren had in her heart. He resolved to be her friend and it had worked. Aside from that, he had certainly not wasted any time in seeking other companions. First during his years as a young Scout who was too curious and hormonal for his own good, and more recently as a glorified refugee in Marley with an uncertain status and plenty of need for pleasured distractions.

He was ashamed when thinking about his time in Marley, as he remembered the phase he had fallen into which he was too numb from the war and had excessively sought out those distractions. Moments of bliss were fleeting, and they would only lead to him relapsing into the same pattern and making him feel worse than before. The entrustment of the peace negotiations between Paradis and Marley into the Alliance’s hands had brought hope and a change that he desperately needed.

Still, why was he feeling so confused around Mikasa now? What he felt now was an echo of his former crush, similar yet so different. Whereas before it had felt like a small ache that he kept hidden, now it felt like a flame slowly spreading and threatening to overwhelm him.

“Earth to Officer Kirchstein,” Mikasa’s voice interrupted him, her hand waving in front of him.

“Oh, sorry, I got lost in my thoughts,” he told her, raising an eyebrow, “and I’m no longer a commanding officer, you know.”

Mikasa only smiled, laying back down on the spread blanket, her red scarf acting as her pillow. Jean was glad to see her smiling and acting with ease around him, since despite her calm demeanor he knew that she was still grieving no matter how much she tried to hide it. Sometimes he would catch her staring off into nowhere or holding her scarf a little tighter than usual. While he remained in this place, he was determined to be there for her as much as he could.

“Do you know how much longer you will stay here?” she asked suddenly.

Jean paused before replying, taken aback by her question. “Our stay has been extended indefinitely; it depends on how things go at our sessions. Though in any case, I imagine we’ll have to leave soon.”

Her face fell, “I see,” she murmured. “What do you plan to do after this?”

“I…” he trailed off, “I don’t know. Wherever the Alliance goes, I will end up going too. But my mom lives here, and I don’t want to leave her alone. Then again, we are not exactly welcomed here. I’ll just see what happens, I guess.”

“What about marriage and children?” She asked, quickly regretting her forwardness. She was about to apologize but he spoke first.

“Oh, that. Well, I’m not too sure about that either. I always dreamed of having my own family, but things are still too strange and uncertain,” he paused, looking away. “I don’t think I can truly settle down anywhere because I don’t belong anywhere.”

Mikasa stared at him, that dazed look that he seemed to constantly wear coming back, as if he were lost in a place where she could not reach. She grabbed his sleeve impulsively. These days she found herself doing that a lot when Jean would appear too lost in his own head.

“It…It’s probably not much, but I want you to know that if you’re in a pinch or need anything, you’re always welcome at my house,” Mikasa told him, not sure where these words were coming from, but knowing they were true. It was the least she could do.

Jean was visibly shocked, his face flushed. “Thank you, Mikasa.” he whispered, avoiding her gaze. After a moment, he turned to her suddenly.

“What about you? Do you have any plans?”

“I don’t think so, I like living here.” She explained, “Kiyomi and her delegation insist that I go to Hizuru but I’m not sure I’ll do that any time soon. I did want a family but…”

He understood. That was impossible now that Eren was gone. The meaning of her words hung over them, and Jean felt a weird kind of sadness overtake him. He knew Mikasa would have been an amazing mother. Despite whatever pain and jealousy remained in his heart, he realized that he would have liked to see his two friends together with their own family. A welcome respite after years of misery and destruction. But Eren had to run ahead of them and set himself ablaze.

“Well, you can consider us your family now,” Jean said, referring to their friends, and wanting to ease her mind.

Mikasa beamed at him, “I guess you are,” she replied, coaxing Jean to lay down beside her on the blanket and he complied. From the new angle, she could make out a scattering of tiny moles on his neck that was not covered by his shirt. She hadn’t noticed them before and found herself strangely transfixed before she heard him speak.

“I’ll tell you what, no matter what happens, we’ll always be there for each other.” he offered, turning his head to her. Mikasa paused, rendered a little speechless at the openness in his hazel gaze. In that moment, she had no choice but to agree with anything he said.

~0~

Jean pressed the timer and waited for Armin’s next move. The blond was scrutinizing the chessboard before moving a knight.

“So this is it, the final countdown until we decide if we can stay or if we should be running for our lives,” Connie commented from his seat near the fireplace in the living room. The residence was bigger than they had remembered.

“The queen has ensured our protection,” Armin said, his gaze still fixed onto the board, waiting for Jean’s move.

“With the same people who want us dead.” Connie spat.

All sectors of the government had finally agreed to a voting session in which they would vote on the proposals from the Alliance and other nations. Soon, they were to show up at council with other delegates from Marley who had also worked with them.

“It’s more complicated than that,” Reiner replied, his hands busying themselves tying knots with an old rope. It was a habit he had picked up during his treatment at the mental facility and he kept doing it long after he was discharged. He found the distractions helpful when his thoughts would become too much. “There are people who are strictly loyal to Historia, and she knows who they are and how to pick them.”

There was truth to what Reiner was saying. They had misjudged just how divided the island would be when they arrived. Currently, there were all kinds of factions and insurrectionists on the rise, from imperialists who wanted Paradis to establish itself as a global power and expand its territories, to reformers who were advocating an alliance with the other nations.

“Whatever supporters we have seems meaningless as long as the Yeagerist faction is still in power,” Annie added, watching the game between the two friends.

Armin clicked the timer, unfazed, “We have had to deal with worse things; the liberation of Paradis started with a revolution from the Survey Corps, a group that was a mere minority and ridiculed by most. What we want to achieve isn’t impossible,” he paused, hearing a click from Jean. “This time we have the support of other influential nations and the protection of the queen, who is in turn protected by staunch monarchists.”

Jean listened quietly, a strange unease surging up within him. It seemed surreal that they had finally reached this point in their enterprise for peace between Paradis and Marley. They had worked tirelessly to present their motions to the government and recount their testimonies of the war which were carefully modified to protect Mikasa. The Ackerman had insisted on coming clean and bearing the blame for Eren’s death, but that suggestion was quickly shut down by Armin.

The rumbling had not only practically wiped out other regions that now had no choice but start all over again, but it had also left a good portion of Paradis destroyed and still vulnerable, a point that the Alliance had used to their advantage in lobbying for a new coalition of trade between the nations.

Their main objective was to establish a peace treaty. It was the most talked-about subject all over the island, and it had brought feelings of hope but also plenty of hostility. While Jean had busied himself as much as he could in his new duties as ambassador, the reality was becoming clearer to him: that he truly belonged nowhere.

In Marley, things weren’t any easier for someone like him. While there were major changes happening in the Marleyan government and the internment zones were being eliminated, many areas were still heavily segregated and Eldians were still looked down upon.

Jean found it easy to interact with his peers in Marley sometimes. He had his share of friends, and there was the usual neighbor who would greet him, the lady who would bring him warm meals, or the lovers who didn’t seem to care he was Eldian. But other times the animosity was obvious. Now he was experiencing the same feeling of ostracization, but it was worse because this was his home.

“Armin is right. The circumstances are too different now and we have a considerable advantage. For now, we must be patient and wait for the next hearing,” Pieck remarked from her place laying down on the sofa. Naps were becoming more common to her.

“I don’t have a good feeling about this,” Connie said, then gave a tired sigh, “it seems like the violence never ends.”

“That is a reality we have to accept,” Armin replied, clicking the timer once again. “I heard Commander Erwin say that as long as humanity lives, they will always find a way to destroy each other. That is an indisputable fact, no matter how much it irks us to hear it. The cycle will always continue in one way or another.”

“And what do we do meanwhile?” Jean asked, breaking his silence.

Armin stared at him, before moving a pawn, and finally replied. “We keep moving forward.”

~o~

Mikasa stared at her friends bantering back and forth on her dinner table. Tomorrow would be the voting session and she had invited the group to have dinner in her house before the important day.

She felt an odd peace while watching everyone talking and enjoying the food. Back in her days as a soldier, such scenes were rare, and when they weren't, there would always be the knowledge that they may not live for long.

While things were certainly not perfect at the moment, this was a welcome change. It seemed so long ago since she got to have moments like this. It was why she had appreciated having Armin and Jean visit her whenever they could. Their visits took her mind off the troubling thoughts that plagued her at night. They slithered onto her consciousness when she was alone and only she would bear witness. The burden of guilt she still felt over Eren’s death had been like a shadow trailing on her feet, a bitter seed that she couldn’t cut out.

There were days where she felt a semblance of peace, where the prospect of a new dawn seemed like a possibility. She remembered the strange bird she saw on Eren’s death anniversary and the feeling of grief and hope that had overwhelmed her as it flew away. Free and glorious. A promise of new things to come that she didn’t dare believe in. But other days, the shadows of her dreams would morph and speak in a familiar voice.

Traitor.

The wounds were clear cut, its shapes still engraved in every crevice of her heart. The bloodstains of the boy who she had loved unconditionally still ran endlessly through her very being. She wondered if she was being too selfish in daring to have peaceful moments like this.

A movement by her side caught her attention. Armin was currently sitting beside her, his presence serving as an anchor even while he was engaged in lively conversation with Annie.

She was glad he had found someone, even if it took her a while to get used to the idea of them being together.

He had changed so much, from that timid boy who wanted to see the ocean to a determined leader with the same quiet strength. Now he was leading an enterprise that had the world’s eyes on him.

She didn’t know how he could stand it, or how he even looked at her with anything but repulsion. He was carrying an incredible burden for her sake after all, and she could do nothing but watch helplessly from the sidelines, knowing he would never forgive her if she spoke the truth.

Useless.

Her thoughts froze when she noticed that he had turned to her.

His bright blue eyes were narrowed for a moment before he gave her a small smile, as if he knew what she was thinking, and squeezed her hand under the table.

Mikasa could only smile back at him, a quiet understanding between them.

Currently, Reiner and Connie were engaged on a heated, drunken debate about whether cereal should be considered soup or not, having Pieck laughing uncontrollably while Annie looked like she would rather be somewhere else. For all that was troubling her, she liked seeing everyone happy.

One person was visibly quiet, and Mikasa turned her eyes to Jean. The former commanding officer was smiling and watching his friend’s antics. There was a distance in his gaze, one that she noticed too often when he was with her. She didn’t know what to make of it, but despite the time they constantly spent together she noticed that he had a certain guardedness, a wall he had carefully built up and she could not trespass.

She had appreciated him being here more than he could understand. In days when her mind was her own worst enemy, his presence had come as a haven of such comfort that she wondered if she even deserved it. Whether he was talking about how his day went, grumbling about having to argue with ‘constipated geezers’ as he had called them, or just remaining by her side quietly, his company had quickly become one of the highlights of her days. She only wished she could know what was going on in that mind of his.

Jean suddenly stood up from the table and excused himself. She thought he was probably going to the restroom. But after a while, he still did not come back. Mikasa eventually excused herself as well, with Armin reassuring her that they did not mind.

Her instinct told her to go to the backyard, which consisted of a small lawn with an apple tree and a wooden fence separating it from an extensive meadow. She stepped out into the yard, tightening her scarf in the cool breeze as she looked for Jean.

“So, you found me.” She heard him say, and finally spotted Jean leaning over the yard’s wooden fence, face half-hidden by shadows.

Mikasa quietly walked over to where he was. She noticed he had a cigarette in his hand and fought the urge to slap it away. At one point in their reunions, she had noticed him sneaking away to smoke but didn’t say anything, only earning shrugs from Armin when she turned her questioning eyes to him.

“Was Reiner and Connie’s debate that uninteresting?” He asked.

Mikasa grimaced, “remind me to never let them drink again.”

Jean snorted, “prepare yourself, because they’ll be at it for a while.” he said, taking a drag.

“I never took you for a smoker,” Mikasa prodded, narrowing her eyes at him. He looked a little embarrassed, looking away as he exhaled, whiffs of smoke swelling and disappearing in the darkness.

“Sorry, it’s a bad habit I picked up in Marley,” he explained, scratching the back of his neck, “I don’t do it a lot, but when I do it sort of helps.”

Mikasa nodded, figuring that he was nervous about the next day and deciding to not press him further about his new habit.

“Are you alright? I’m sorry if I’m bothering you too much, you probably wanted to be alone-”

“You could never bother me, Mikasa,” Jean interrupted her, then taking a deep breath, “I just- I guess I just realized that this is it. What we have been working for all this time has finally had a result. Isn’t that crazy?”

She nodded and beamed at him, “I know you will do great things.”

“I never thought it would come to this, it just hit me that I have no idea what will come next. I still don’t feel like I truly belong anywhere. Plus, I’m thinking that we probably won’t achieve anything tomorrow and this damn war will just keep on going. My mind’s been playing a lot of shitty tricks on me,” he explained, taking another drag before sighing and looking at her. “I’m sorry, you didn’t come here to listen to my problems.”

She immediately shook her head in protest, “I told you that I would be here for you, and I meant it.”

He looked at her fixedly, “what about you? You do know that you can tell me anything, yet I can’t help but sense that you’re not always honest with me. With any of us, really.”

As soon as he finished, he immediately regretted his words, suspecting that the alcohol had probably made him bolder than usual. He almost wanted to laugh at his hypocrisy, since he knew that he had also not been completely honest with Mikasa either.

“I’m sorry-”

“No, Jean,” Mikasa interrupted, looking elsewhere. “You’re right, I’ve been trying to pretend that things are fine now. And they are in a way, but other days it-it’s too much.”

Jean nodded in understanding, “I get it, you know; I’m not saying I’m entitled to hear everything that you’re thinking, but I also want you to know that you don’t have to hide things from me either. I know that you’re still mourning him, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

It happened suddenly, but his words caused her heart to constrict and unexpected tears to gather in her eyes. “I’m glad to hear you say that,” she whispered, her voice wavering.

Jean dropped the cigarette and crushed it with his shoe, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I really miss that idiot; I even dream of him sometimes,” he admitted. “I like to think it’s him talking to me, you know?”

Mikasa hummed in response, turning away so he wouldn’t see her tears. “I dream of him too, not a day goes by where I don’t think of him. I once believed I couldn’t possibly live without him, and yet I still killed him.”

“That was not your fault Mikasa,” Jean said firmly, his eyes like embers. She needed to understand that.

“But I keep asking myself what if I had done things differently? What if I had stopped him in another way? What if I tried harder? What if…” she trailed off, gathering her breath, “What if I had been honest about my feelings to him? Would it have changed anything? And I know the answer is no, but I keep asking myself the same questions anyway. I guess my mind plays tricks on me too.”

Jean looked down, “I can’t possibly tell you how to make it stop, but you must remember that you’re not alone. No matter what happens, you have us,” he said, pausing and then looking back at her. “You have me.”

Mikasa nodded jerkily, this time making no attempt at hiding her tears. “I do, don’t I?”

Jean stepped forward and pulled her into his arms.

Before he could regret it, she burrowed her head into his chest, his buttoned shirt quickly becoming damp with her tears.

He did not care, tightening his arms around her in his large frame, wanting to absorb every pain and every troubling thought she ever had.

Mikasa could only press herself even further into him as if she was seeking something but had to keep delving in for it. The night was quiet except for the whimpers that escaped her as they both hastened to get even closer, creating a cocoon of warmth, a little sun between their bodies. Whatever thoughts were troubling her before disappeared, and even if just for a moment, she could lose herself in Jean’s embrace and try to believe that things would get better.

~o~

They had done it. Despite the noises of protest that still echoed throughout the council they had done it.

Jean understood in that moment that they still had a long way to go, but this was an important step in the right direction. For now, a more peaceful world was possible.

They had achieved a quorum of votes in their favor, with Historia presiding over the hearing. The next moments passed in a blur of formalities and shaking hands with officials from all political factions.

He felt as if he were in a daze, every action, and every word he spoke coming almost as mechanical.

After the conclusion of the session, everyone made their way outside of the room, tension permeating the atmosphere. As expected, there were all sorts of manifestations for and against the peace treaty outside.

Jean could hear all kinds of insults outside as he followed Armin closely to the back of the building, where they were supposed to wait for a carriage to take them back to Historia’s residency.

Traitors. Murderers. Turncoats.

The past years had hardened him to any slander, and he could only hold his head up and continue walking to the main hallway, where he could see Mikasa waiting for them.

Her head perked up when she noticed them both, immediately walking towards them.

“Were you here this whole time?” Armin exclaimed over the background noise. They had seen her before the start of the session, but Armin did not think she would stay.

“There was no way that I would miss this moment. You were almost unrecognizable in there,” she said, recalling the scenes she witnessed from her front-row seat in the stands that were free to the public. “I’m proud of you two, of all of you. I had no doubt you would achieve it.”

“We’ll see if they don’t eat us alive first.” Jean retorted, looking grim as the noise of the crowds outside became more prominent.

They went to the back of the building, stepping out onto the cobblestones of an extensive alley. Mikasa had insisted that she could make her way back home walking, but Jean and Armin had none of it. Vehicles and carriages were coming and going in the dim light of the alleyway as the three friends waited for the rest of the group.

Jean could not help but think on how the island was just starting to use vehicles but still relied mostly on carriages. He had gotten used to the strange steel machines with time, which was more than he could say for Connie who had quite the record in car crashes back at Marley.

“Mikasa! You’re here!” Connie shouted as he emerged into the alley with the rest of the group trailing behind him. He gave her a crushing hug, and Mikasa smiled, heartily returning his embrace.

“Of course, I am,” Mikasa replied.

“This demands another round of drinks at your house. What do you say?” Connie said and Jean rolled his eyes. Leave it to Connie to invite himself to people’s houses.

“As long as you and someone else behave…” She commented while staring at Reiner, who was behind Connie and could only look sheepish and turn away.

“Is the carriage here yet? We better get away from these crowds of lunatics.” Annie added, looking shaken while Armin tightened her coat around her.

“There it is,” Pieck pointed to a coming carriage bearing the queen’s emblem. As they walked Jean stayed behind, letting everyone get into the carriage first.

Mikasa was the second last to get in, and Jean moved to help her up before he heard it.

“Death to the Alliance!”

He moved in a flash before they got to her and then he was falling backward, catching a glimpse of her horrified expression, with everything morphing into screams in the distance and the noise of steel tearing through flesh repeatedly.

“Jean!” He heard Mikasa scream.

Maybe it was sheer will, but he shoved the man who had brought him down, scrambling to get to him despite the blade that was lodged between his ribs. He managed to grab the bastard by the hair and hit his skull against the hard cobblestones.

The rush almost left him dizzy, but he kept slamming the man’s head against the ground until the hard noises of bones breaking were soon replaced by the slick sounds of blood and joints being torn. Not too far he heard the guards and his friends taking care of the man’s lackeys. Extremists, no doubt.

He should have seen this coming. Whatever strength he had left him suddenly, his grab on the man’s head loosening before he was shoved and felt two pairs of hands grabbing his neck to strangle him. It wasn’t long before Jean caught the flash of a red scarf and the man was pulled back abruptly and slammed harshly against the carriage, losing all consciousness. Jean clambered to his feet while coughing, feeling someone stabilizing him from behind.

“Jean, don’t move,” Connie said shakily, holding Jean by the shoulders. One look at Mikasa told Connie that they were both replaying another bloody scene from their past in their heads, where their best friend had been taken away from them with a single bullet.

“You’re hurt,” Mikasa murmured, her face looking pale.

The body of the man who had stabbed Jean lay carelessly beside her, as she had done a quick job in knocking him down.

Jean however appeared to not understand what his friends were saying, his eyes glazed over and his body beginning to wobble from side to side. “My suit got ruined,” he tried to joke but only groaned as he felt himself getting dizzier.

He heard the others come near him, but at that point, their voices were just cryptic noises and the lights from the lampposts stretched into long hazy lines. Someone gasped as the circle of blood on his shirt grew and dripped onto the cobblestones below. The violent encounter had given him such a rush that he barely registered any pain and did not notice that the bleeding was rapidly increasing.

“Jean, stay still! We need a medic!” He heard Armin shout as he ran from the place in search of help.

Jean still appeared lost, trying to shrug off Connie and Mikasa’s hold on him. He turned to Mikasa, who looked terrified as she saw Jean becoming as pale as a sheet of paper.

“What a drag, huh?” He said before his eyes rolled back and his body collapsed.

~0~

Everything looked black, with flashes of a fluorescent tree coming and going like waves, distant static noises, and a hand reaching out to him. He found himself surrounded by a dense white fog that engulfed him and then slowly dissipated, revealing an empty street. Jean suddenly recognized where he was, the street from his childhood home in Trost becoming apparent in all its simpleness.

The place was empty as Jean slowly made his way down the steps that interpolated with the old street. He kept walking down the steps, the silent streets appearing to be his only company.

Or so he thought.

“Jean.”

He froze and turned towards the voice, meeting a pair of unmistakable green eyes. It felt like all the oxygen left him as the reason for their current plight appeared before him.

“Eren?” He choked, watching as Eren stood in the middle of the street, tall and unmoving. He didn’t know whether he wanted to run and embrace him or beat him to a pulp. “What is this?”

“I wanted to find something meaningful; this is the first thing that appeared.”

Eren’s words were punctuated by a sudden noise, and he saw the flash of a boy running down the street and fading away. There was a youthful cry and Jean saw the same boy on another corner of the street with a woman. He soon realized that the boy was him as a young child and that the woman was his mother, who was kneeling before him and wiping away tears from his chubby cheeks.

“I don’t understand,” Jean muttered, turning to Eren.

Eren lowered his head, never looking at Jean directly. At least he had the decency to look remorseful, Jean thought.

“I…wanted to say goodbye.”

Jean let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, feeling all sorts of emotions surge up inside him.

“Why, Eren?” Jean said, his voice quivering.

Eren still wasn’t looking at him. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. But I needed to say goodbye.”

The word goodbye made his chest tighten, and he did not trust himself to even speak but he did anyway. “You-you left, you left and didn’t tell us anything! You acted on your own without trusting us. And now millions of innocents are dying because of you! Why?!”

Eren still avoided his gaze. “None of that matters anymore. I made my choice, and there is no going back for me now. I needed to see you before it happens.”

“Before what happens?” Jean pressed him, but Eren did not answer, he only stared at him with a look he couldn’t quite decipher.

The scene changed, with the streets morphing into indecipherable shapes before they found themselves in the dining room of the training camp. The place they had all met as young trainees. Before them, a pre-teen Jean was talking for the first time to Mikasa, his nervousness obvious through his red face and his awkward attempt at complimenting her hair.

Jean frowned, looking at Eren. “Why are we here?”

“This is your consciousness, I technically have some control, but these moments…they are all meaningful to you,” Eren explained, eyes fixed onto the scene before them. This was the first time he had met Eren and Mikasa.

Their surroundings changed into another scene in the same dining room, where he and Eren were brawling before Mikasa separated them. Jean felt embarrassed not only at their childish behavior but at the fact that Eren knew that Jean had secretly treasured these moments. He fixed his eyes on the scene.

“She always had to mother you around,” Jean murmured, referring to Mikasa.

“Mikasa was always protective of me, yet she never defended me from you. She would reproach me when we would get into fights. Even when you started them,” Eren said as Mikasa gave his younger self a disapproving look after separating them.

“It wasn’t always me. If you weren’t such a pain in the ass, it would have been easier,” Jean grumbled, his words contradicted by his behavior on the scene before them, where he had grabbed Eren in a fit of jealousy.

Eren only gave a sad smile as their surroundings kept changing, fading scenes playing one after the other like the strange projections of those films Jean had seen when they arrived in Marley. There were several moments with Marco, the part of his soul that had been violently ripped away from him. They landed in a different scene, where there were massive pyres of fire and a fifteen-year-old Jean was kneeling before the pyre that took the center, his body shaking in sobs.

“What-“

“You truly loved him, didn’t you? I think he would be proud of you.”

Jean winced, the shadows from the flames dancing all around them. The beautiful friend who had believed in him now turned into ashes. “I don’t think he’d be proud. I never amounted to anything, and now I will probably die trying to stop you.”

Suddenly they were in a different place, with throngs of people walking away hurriedly in their direction. Jean tried to move away but the people passed through him as if he were a mere ghost.

There was a stage set up at the front, where the statuesque figure of Commander Erwin could be seen standing still.

Of course.

This was the night he decided to join the Survey Corps.

They watched as almost everyone walked away to the promises of comfort and safety inside the walls, while only a few stayed. Even when watching as an onlooker, Jean could feel the weight of resolve and terror hanging over everyone that remained behind.

“That is not true. I know you do not want to hear this from me but he always spoke of you at every turn he could. Even the simplest thing would have him singing praises about you. He always said that you would be a leader. I didn’t believe him at the time, but I was proven wrong. Every decision you have made since you joined the Survey Corps has led you to this point… to saving humanity. If anything, you went further than anyone’s expectations.”

Jean felt a lump form in his throat, shaking his head. “I…don’t want to see this anymore.”

As if on cue, the scene changed yet again. The sudden brightness made him shield his eyes as the sun shone brightly and the smell of sea salt invaded his senses. The air was filled with the splashes of water and laughter. In the distance, he could make out the three figures of himself, Connie, and Sasha playing on the shore of a beach. Currently, his friends had succeeded in toppling him over the water, making him yell out curses as they cackled.

“Sasha…”

Jean felt something tighten painfully in his chest as he watched her. This was how he liked to remember his dear friend; happy and carefree, not cold and lifeless.

“I think this was one of the last times any of us was happy,” Eren said.

“Were you?”

Eren looked away, fixing his gaze on another trio by the shore who looked much quieter. Their figures standing still and seemingly staring into nowhere. “I can’t remember if I ever truly was happy.”

Jean scoffed at that. “That sounds like bullshit.”

The titan shifter paused as if in deep thought, then turning to Jean. “You’re right, there were happy moments. You guys…made it a lot easier.”

“And now look where we are. You still haven’t answered me why Eren. Why did you do this? Armin and Mikasa…they try to look strong, but you broke them both.”

“They will move forward just as I expect them to do. I don’t know the exact details of how everything will play out but Armin… Armin will lead humanity to peace with you close by his side. And Mikasa…she’s strong and will move forward with her life. She has always been so much stronger than me, while I didn’t even have the guts to tell her that I love her.” Eren said with a self-deprecating laugh.

Jean’s breath hitched as he heard him. “Then tell her that! You can’t let her go while she thinks you hate her!”

“It’s too late now, what I have done…there’s no way to come back from that. I didn’t always treat her like she deserved, you know. Now all I can do is encourage her to forget me and be happy no matter how much it hurts me.”

There were more shrieks of laughter, with Connie and Sasha now halfway sunk in the water as they swam around Jean, all three of them splashing each other. Not too far, Commander Hange was picking up seashells and staring at them in wonder while Captain Levi stood further from the shore, staring quietly into the horizon. Eren’s words sank in, and he felt a surge of anger and panic at the finality in what he said.

“You…you say that like it’s so easy. Do you ever think about the pain she’s going through? What you put all of us through? You did all this for what? Trying to play the hero for us? Fuck you!” Jean yelled as he lunged and punched Eren, making him fall backward and sending wafts of sand flying up. “You broke me too, asshole! Now I’ll have to live with that if I make it out alive!”

The background was changing yet again, blue skies turning into an azure shade and then into ink-black, with a few scatterings of stars. The beach was now dark and empty, and the air was dead silent.

Jean was breathing heavily, feeling hot tears running down his cheeks but not really caring. Eren was staring up at him, anguish clear in his bloody features. He scrambled to his feet, and Jean moved to help him up. He meant to let him go as soon as he was able to stand, but he only pulled Eren into his arms abruptly, hugging him tightly and letting his tears flow freely.

He didn’t know whether it was something in the atmosphere or the look in Eren’s eyes, but he could feel him fading away. The background changed in a flurry of colors and waves while they held each other firmly and finally landed in a different place.

Jean pulled back and soon realized they were in the barracks from their trainee days. The room was empty, the air only filled with the creaking noises of wood and the chirping of birds outside. He turned back to Eren, who had that same indecipherable look in his eyes.

“I won’t ask for your forgiveness, but I am truly sorry I brought so much pain to all of you. And…I know I have no right to request anything from you, but I am selfish, I have always been so selfish…so I need you to promise me, that no matter what happens, you will move forward and live your life to the fullest.”

Jean felt a thousand protests gather on the tip of his tongue, not ready to acknowledge the finality in his words. There was a certain heaviness in his chest that made him sit down in one of the bunk beds. “I’m not sure that I can.”

Eren knelt in front of him, “you can, you’re strong. More than you give yourself credit for. Promise me, Jean.”

The words echoed painfully, and Jean looked down, his voice coming out weak. “Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

He was met with silence and Eren getting closer, holding his hands.

Jean gasped as he noticed that Eren’s hands looked different.

Their surroundings were becoming dark again, and the fluorescent light that he had seen briefly now appeared to be spreading from Eren’s fingertips and extending towards him.

“It is time,” Eren finalized.

Jean froze. And as irrational as he knew it sounded, Jean could not help but deny what he was saying. “No! We-we can work things out, Eren. Please stop this and come back to us! Please!”

As he finished his desperate plea Eren pressed his forehead against Jean’s, a little frantically. “This is it, Jean. Please don’t ask me to come back. Just promise me that you will move forward.”

The light was spreading more rapidly now, their bodies illuminated in a searing light, two figures in a flame. Jean swallowed the lump in his throat, shutting his eyes tightly before nodding against Eren’s forehead. He felt him breathe a sigh of relief.

“Thank you,” Eren said, and it sounded like the saddest goodbye to Jean.

“I don’t know what to do. What will be left?” He choked, feeling completely helpless.

Eren lightly shook his head, his eyes sad but also alight with unspoken things. “I think you’ll be surprised by the things life has in store for you, Jean.”

Jean was confused by his words, but decided not to question him, knowing that he would disappear at any moment.

“Don’t look away,” Jean said, and Eren obliged, fixing his piercing gaze on him. They remained like that for a good while before the strands of fluorescent light completely engulfed them.

“Goodbye, Jean,” Eren said, a little broken but still strong.

“Goodbye, Eren,” Jean replied, his hands still holding onto Eren’s blazing form until there was nothing left.

~o~

The oil lamp was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes. The flame appeared to be the only thing lighting up the room. Slowly but steady, everything was becoming clearer to him even if he still felt very strange. There was the sterile air, the smell of mercury and alcohol, the moonbeams filtering through the window, and the tears warming his cheeks, a last residue from his dream.

He didn’t know why he was remembering that vision now of all times. His last moments with Eren had happened in a landscape that wasn’t real, and that was something that he rarely if ever wanted to remember. All his memories with the green-eyed boy had contorted into a permanent bloodstain on his soul. And the fact that he did not follow his promise to Eren and instead became a pathetic shell of a man made everything worse.

But his self-deprecation did not last long as he noticed that he wasn’t alone, a shift by his side catching his attention. He could not see her very well, but Mikasa was now looking at him closely, shock and confusion on her face as she noticed his tears.

“Armin! He’s awake!” She exclaimed as she ran out of the room, and Jean heard muffled voices outside where he could only make out the words “doctor” and “Mrs. Kirschtein”.

Mom?

While the voices went on Jean remained dazed, moving the fingers of his right hand in front of his face. He felt so out of it that he barely noticed Mikasa coming back.

“Jean? How are you feeling?”

He only groaned in response, “wh-where am I?”

“The Hospital of Mitras. We were lucky it was close by. Armin went to find the doctor and your mother.” She explained, staring worriedly at the wetness in his face. Mikasa said something else, but he didn’t hear it, his body feeling like a thousand bricks.

“Mom?” he mumbled, scrunching up his face as he tried to move before Mikasa stopped him. “‘the hell did they give me?”

“You’re dosed on morphine. They told us you would be feeling drowsy when you woke up.” Mikasa took in how Jean seemed to stare at her but not at all at the same time.

His eyes were clouded and watery.

Since they arrived the day before, she had been hearing him make all sorts of noises in his unconscious state, muttering different names or things she couldn’t make out. One look at him could tell anyone that he was still heavily drugged. But she also wondered why he was crying.

She saw that he was sneaking a hand to touch the bandages on his ribs, and she immediately moved to pry his hands away. “No! You’re in a delicate state, you have to stay still.”

“Ah my hero,” Jean slurred, “so protective and gentle.”

Yes, definitely drugged.

She was gathering the blankets around him, remembering the way his body couldn’t stop shivering when they had first arrived and how nervous she had been with every single movement.

Reiner had helped carry Jean all the way to the hospital. While they had been lucky enough to be close to the hospital, Jean still caught an infection on the way according to the doctor. Mikasa had some hope now that he was awake, but she couldn’t help the fear that still plagued her. No. She wouldn’t lose anyone else. She would make sure of that.

Her thoughts were interrupted by him mumbling something she couldn’t hear clearly.

Jean’s eyes were blinking slowly, and he was turning his head from side to side. She leaned closer to hear what he was saying.

“It was him…Eren…he talked to me.” He muttered and gave an exhausted sigh, trying to fix his eyes on Mikasa even while she was blurry.

Mikasa was now frozen as Jean looked at her, his eyes still glazed over but there was something else in them now.

“I liked you, Mikasa, y’know? I think I even loved you. Since we were trainees…” he confessed, his voice still slightly slurred before he laughed. “Ah, what a stupid fool. It’s kind of funny,” Jean continued while laughing, a strange picture with the tears that were still drying on his face. He stopped with a groan when the strain was too much.

“Jean…” Mikasa muttered.

“Hmm…I wish he was here; I wish I could bring him back,” Jean mumbled, “I’m sorry I can’t do anything…I’m so sorry Mikasa…”

He turned his face into the pillow, looking like he was about to pass out. If Mikasa was planning to say something, it was interrupted by the doors opening abruptly. That didn’t seem enough to wake Jean from his stupor as the doctor walked in, followed by a trail of nurses. Mikasa could only stand aside as the doctor and the nurses covered Jean from her view, enveloping him in their prying hands and moving white garments.

She remained there as they worked on him, his dazed words replaying in her head like a broken record, his expression etched onto her mind. They had seen each other in the most brutal and vulnerable situations throughout their years as comrades, yet she felt at a complete loss with what she had just witnessed. She forced her intrusive thoughts into the back of her head and remained in her place, where she could do nothing but pray to whatever deity was listening that Jean would be safe and sound.

#jeankasa #snk #attack on titan #jean kirstein #mikasa ackerman #this chapter was long af #the erejean kind of jumped out in this chapter lol

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kashimos-hajime · 3 years

Text

reflection (4/8) | r.b.

summary: He thinks that’s what he clings to the most. The Candidates, and the chance to see you again, just to give what he wrote to you. Or, the truth comes out.

WARNINGS: angst!!! swearing, yearning pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 4.9k

a/n: part 4!!! time to get sad!!! a shorter chapter but the next chapters are MUCH longer until the end so enjoy!!

masterlist

crossposted on ao3

Reiner walks all the way back home to grab it.

His mom was blissfully unmotivated to interrogate him, and he slips the metal tin into his breast pocket, one he bought as soon as he returned to Marley as he leaves the house. It’s similar to the one he used to store Ymir’s letter to Historia. The only difference now is what it contains.

He doesn’t know why he’s thinking about it. No one knows he even has this little container of secrets—it’s been hidden underneath his mattress, wedged between it and the frame for four years, only removed on birthdays, holidays, days where he can’t even recall why he should get out of bed which seem to be more and more often as of late. If anyone found out, he’d probably be interrogated, possibly killed.

It’s treasonous, but he can’t bring himself to fling it.

The silence is nice. There aren’t a lot of people in the streets, considering the show. Not even his thoughts are raging against him, and the sun is warm even as it slips below the horizon to make room for the moon. Glancing up at the clouds, purple and yellow and red, he shoves his hands into his pockets and closes his eyes.

The wind curls against his face, all gentle-like, a caress almost, and his heart begins to ache.

“Isn’t that Vice Chief Braun?”

His eyes open, and he catches two kids standing by a mailbox, gaping at him and he smiles softly waving at them.

“Hi, Mister Braun!”

“Get to the show, kids,” he calls back, and they glance at each other, eyes alight with pure joy. It’s enough to make his smile last until they’re gone, and he turns his gaze back to the path he’s walking. With every step, though, the tin in his breast pocket seems to weigh heavier. The faint clinks and scraping noises of metal against metal accompanying his heartbeat, he sighs.

Not for the first time, he hears his mother’s voice in his head, chastising him for not continuing their honorary bloodline, and not for the first time he imagines a home by the sea, with kids of blonde hair and a certain twinkle in their eyes running along the sands.

Reaching up to his breast pocket, he pulls the tin out and cracks it open, looking down as his feet take him to the stage. The sunlight dies, and as the last rays fall on the gleaming metal band inside the metal container, he pinches it in his finger and lifts it up to the orange. The silver winks at him, all mocking, and he shakes his head, looking down at the letters inside.

A thousand apologies, confessions, regrets, inked down in crazed ramblings as his body tried to heal from the battle in Shiganshina on a ship sailing back to Marley. Some written after that. Sometimes, he can barely even look at what he’s jotted down or else he’ll tear it to shreds.

Most of the time, though, he wants to give it to you. He thinks that’s what he clings to the most. The Candidates, and the chance to see you again, just to give what he wrote to you.

Shaking his head, he puts the ring back into the tin and closes it with a tight click before sliding it back into his breast pocket. In the distance, he can hear someone whistling a familiar tune, and he frowns, trying to place it.

He still has some time. He could try to find who’s whistling, or he could just get to the show early.

It’s not like he’s exactly needed anywhere before hand.

Pricking his ears, he veers off the road and into an alleyway.

Reiner and Bertholdt might be traitors. Maybe it’s both of them, a voice in your head murmurs as you ascend up the wall.

Armin, why did you trust me to tell me about Annie?

Your shoulder and leg are screaming at you to stop moving, and the pull of the wires at your hips makes you feel like a million pounds as you manage to get to the top of the wall. Mikasa greets you there and you flash her a quick smile, one she returns faintly before procuring something out of her pocket.

Do you think I’m a traitor, too?

“My sling?”

“Put it back in before you lose all feeling in that arm.” You let out a relieved sigh as she helps you unbuckle your gear, and your hips feel like they’re melting at the relief. Sasha comes over as you clutch onto your shoulder. It feels inflamed and swollen under your gentle touch, and you wince as you bend your elbow, sharp pangs slicing through your joint.

“Here, let me help.” Sasha grabs your unequipped ODM gear as Mikasa pulls the sling over your neck and guides your arm through. Your limb feels like a pile of rocks, and you let it hang numbly in the bandage.

Maybe, I’m the weakest link.

“Thanks, guys. Really.” Mikasa only nods, patting you on your uninjured shoulder and you turn to see Eren pulling Reiner up the wall. The mere sight of him sends a shiver down your spine and you look away, clenching your jaw.

Him, a traitor?

Bertholdt gets to the top, climbing out all long-legged and lean, before helping Reiner ease down away from the ledge.

And Bertl? You, too?

Still, Hange’s orders echo in your mind and you remind yourself that nothing’s changed until it’s confirmed. Walking over to him, half-limping, you catch golden eyes and a half-smile. Cross legged, Reiner straightens up when he sees you and you feel a smile pulling at your own face.

What am I saying? How could I ever suspect them? They’d never betray us. We’re… we’re family. Maybe it’s all one big coincidence. Maybe Annie worked alone. That’s how it is, isn’t it? Annie works alone and I’m left hanging.

You wonder if this is why she never answered the letters you wrote to Stohess, asking how the MPs were. Reiner always said it was probably because she was busy. No. No. The more you think on it, the more the convoluted web in your head begins to straighten out and you shake your head.

“Hey.” You reach the boys as Bertholdt walks to the other side of the wall, leaning over with his hands on his knees as if calculating the distance, and his face is so innocently concentrated that you can’t help but stare, imagine him as that giant red Titan with soulless eyes. Electricty dances down your back. Deciding to leave him to his own devices, you slowly sink to a crouch beside Reiner as he reaches out to touch your shin.

“How’s the leg?”

“Been better.” Goosebumps rise along your arms and you swallow tightly. “We’ve got matching slings, now.”

Reiner smiles, and a soft, poisonous voice in your head crows, You never suspected Annie, and look what that got you. Civilians killed like sport.

Your blood chills. Everything feels so sluggish after the long night they’ve had, and they both look it. Your movements are dragged, like you’re swimming through honey as you reach out to touch his arm. He looks like hell’s beaten him up, and Bertholdt straightens up, sends him an uneasy look over his shoulder. Reiner’s flesh is warm through the bandages and a sick curiosity pricks at you.

If you’re really a traitor, you wonder to yourself, what would you do if I…

You let your fingers push deeper against a mark you feel through the sling only for him to flinch back.

“Son of a bitch!”

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry,” you whisper, hushed, and he sends you a scandalized look as Eren looks over his shoulder. “It seems bad.”

“You all right, Reiner?”

“Not by a long shot.” He covers his face with his hand, pain twisting his voice. “A Titan nearly gnawed off my arm. That was… pathetic. I thought I was done for.” Scooting closer, you rest your hand on his shoulder as his eyes slide shut. The words he says next sound like that of a soldier, and your eyebrows screw up as he talks mostly to himself.

Sharing an uneasy glance with Eren and Armin, you try not to say anything until—

Second time? Second time you nearly died? It bounces off your skull until your mouth opens and the words tumble out before you can stop yourself.

“Annie almost… killed you?” you breathe. Reiner nods numbly, fist to his brow and you look down at the stone. “Reiner…”

Then, you can’t be a traitor, you try to reason quickly. Why would she kill her ally?

But what about what Armin said? About how Reiner asked about Eren’s location? Carving it into her hand. He was always making excuses for Annie at every turn. For her skipping out on training, her being exhausted and sleeping in. No, this isn’t right. No, no, no—

And that realization only makes you nauseous as you sit back and stare at Reiner’s fractured expression. Reaching a shaking hand up to his face, your entire body freezes as his frenzied gaze stares right through you.

Reiner…

Stomach turning, you glance up at the tall boy who only looks more and more concerned with every passing second. He catches you looking and his eyes only widen even more almost guiltily. Jerking your gaze away, you press your lips into a thin line and look at the blond sitting before you.

Bertholdt…

Someone calls them over your shoulder and you see it’s Connie. Getting up much too quickly with a groan, you send one last look at Armin and Eren out of the corner of your eye before walking over to the others unsteadily. Your entire body feels tilted, your legs struggling to push forward as if trying wade through thick sheets of ice, and even though Sasha bounds up to help you forward, you don’t think you have ever felt heavier.

What have you done?

With the quick update from Hannes and the unsettling revelation that there is no hole in the wall, you cannot stop your eyes from flitting to Bertholdt again.

He speaks to Reiner as they begin to walk away, and you fall into step beside Mikasa, your limp only more pronounced now that they realize this was all for nothing. The adrenaline is drained from your body, and your boots drag along stone as your shoulders fall forward.

Silent, Mikasa slows down her pace so you can keep up and you stifle your wince with every step as you look out the wall.

The sky is as grey as ash. It looks like rain, soon. Not good if they have to fight in this weather, for their bodies or for their ODM gear. Visibility might be a near zero.

Reaching up to cup your shoulder on instinct, you sigh.

“Is your leg okay?” Mikasa finally asks, stopping.

You nod. “It will be.” Glancing back at her, you frown when you realize you’ve walked on without her and turn to look over your shoulder, only to find her glancing back at Reiner, Eren, and Bertholdt. Eyes narrowing at the confused anger warping Eren’s face, a thousand weights slam down into your gut. Mikasa’s stare hardens and you walk back towards her, ears pricking. You can’t make out the words from where you stand with her, but you can read the tone, and by whatever Reiner’s saying, it’s making Bertholdt nervous.

Your spine goes ramrod straight, and suddenly, you wish you hadn’t taken your ODM gear off so early. Glancing back, you wonder if you can ask Sasha to strap you back in before you realize what you’re thinking and your limbs turn to lead.

No, you realize. It’s too late.

When you look back at the three again, a cold stone lodges right next to your heart, chilling you from the inside out.

“Hey, we’re leaving!” Armin calls, but you don’t budge. Neither does Mikasa. Eyes widening, you can only watch as Eren crosses his arms over his chest and tilts his head back. Mikasa’s hand moves to her hand grip, unholstering it and sinking it into a blade. The sound of metal scraping makes you blink as the wind begins to pick up. Something clicks. Your heart skips a beat.

Howling in your ears, your muscles lock Eren begins to walk back towards them, but your eyes stay on your best friends as the air seems to shift. It smells like static and iron and something bitter, too. The clouds drift speedily above them, and your boot shifts along stone just as one of the flags snaps in half, the wood splintering under the force of the beginnings of a storm.

Everything freezes.

The only sound is clattering wood against cobble and your rapid heart.

Then, against all odds, sunlight.

It’s blindingly white, streaming through the clouds that drift off in the current, and you swallow. You can hear something rattling and you know it’s Mikasa’s hand on her blades, fingers trembling against the triggers of her gear as gold spears through the dim grey, slamming into the wall and illuminating the stone. Your arm in its sling ways heavier by the second and you shift your forearm against the fabric, your hanging hand rolling into a tight fist.

Your eyes find Reiner’s back, staring as hard as you can, but he only hangs his head and you step forward against your will as his voice grows louder, more deranged.

The coldness in your chest spreads.

It sinks deep into your muscles, bites into your bones with fangs of steel until you think you hear them break as he lifts the sling off his neck and turns around.

“But the only choice for me now is to face the consequences of my actions.” Lifting his hand, you can see the blood begin to steam and your mouth drops open when it evaporates off his skin. “And as a Warrior, fulfill my duty to the bitter end.” The flesh begins to close, orange embers flecking off his forearm. Your knees lock.

“Reiner!” Bertholdt’s voice scratches with desperation—the sound of a horrified beast pulled out of its cave too early, too soon and all too against his will. A darkness overtakes his face, and it punctures you as Reiner flicks dried blood off his arm. “Are we doing this? Now? Right here?”

“We settle this… right here! Right now!”

You force yourself to move, but still, you barely budge as Reiner stalks up to a paralyzed Eren, and you feel it more than see it as Mikasa takes off to a sprint, the sound of metal scraping against metal filling the air. She runs around him, slashing through his arms, blood spraying the stone in sickly splats. Lodging the blade through his forearm, there’s a ragged shout as she whirls around.

Blood seems to fly everywhere as metal swings to cut Bertholdt down next.

You stand, entranced at the mere sight of it; red droplets splash through the air like the crystalline water in that fountain in Trost, years, no, months, weeks ago. The memory strikes through you like a bolt of lightning, and for a moment, you are not on Wall Rose but in a café sitting in the sun, watching children flicking coins into the water, waiting for someone you weren’t sure would come.

“What do you say to a game of twenty questions?”

“Sounds perfect, creampie. I promise, I’ll be perfectly honest.”

Bertholdt’s ragged wet screams jolt you back into your body, and for a moment that is all you see. Mikasa running towards him as he falls onto his back, clutching at his neck, the image growing clearer and clearer, bigger and bigger, as she pins him down with a boot to a shoulder and a sword in two hands, poised to plunge through his throat. Blood spreads over the floor as his gargled screams, wretched and raw, scratch the heavens.

It is then you move.

Your feet slap against the stone as you lift the sling off your neck and toss it aside. Heart pumping, ears roaring, you don’t recognize what you’re doing until your hands are on Mikasa’s shoulders and you’re wrenching her off with a force you cannot recognize you muster. A burning ignites in your chest, spreading through your entire body, engulfing your heart until it sputters out flames.

For a moment, there is nothing; no colour, no blood, no sound. Only pure instinct and your best friend about to die.

“Bertholdt!”

Mikasa lets out a infuriated scream, blades flashing in the grey sunlight as she’s thrown back and you whirl around. Frozen over Bertholdt’s body, your eyes meet widened, bloodshot eyes and you whisper his name, fragile and full of broken glass just as the sound of footsteps patter behind you. Turning, you watch as Mikasa’s arms shoot forward, her knuckles white around the hilt of her sword.

Your thighs seize and Bertholdt’s hand lifts weakly, just barely brushing your shin. His lips are moving but you can barely make out a word. Is he speaking? You can’t hear over the blood flowing out of his mouth. “St-stop—“

Your heart beats in your head, once… twice… waiting for your legs to bolt into action, for Mikasa to see you.

But she isn’t stopping—not even if you stand in her way, she’ll cut around you if she can but in her eyes, you see it. The one question even you don’t know the answer of anymore.

TRAITOR? TRAITOR? TRAITOR? TRAITOR?

You’re shoved out of the way and blood flashes across your face, landing in warm, steaming droplets.

Falling aside against hard stone, your ribs explode in pain as Mikasa’s eyes widen. Her sword sinks deeper through Reiner’s eviscerated arm and she jumps back, releasing the blade with sharp, vicious breaths.

You struggle to your feet. Crackling yellow light burns into your irises yet you can only look into Reiner’s eyes as he stares through you, face resolute.

You think the sight will haunt you for the rest of your days as he only looks at you, as unfeeling as he ever has. Maybe more honest than he’s ever been.

“Reiner!“ You lunge forward but arms hook underneath your own, hauling you back and you kick out your feet as his name is torn from your chest. “Reiner, no!”

“Stay back,” he whispers harshly, turning away, and you struggle to your feet, boots sliding along the stone.

“No…” The word comes out so quietly you think he hears your heart shatter. “No… you—you can’t be—They can’t be right about you. They can’t. I know you! This isn’t you!“

And somewhere, lingering in the back of your mind, is his voice, promising you: “I’ll break you first.”

He doesn’t answer as the clouds begin to gather above them, and you hear Armin scream as your gaze tears to Bertholdt who only stares at you in guilt, regret, fear. Tears trace down his skin, and your hand reaches out for him as Mikasa wrenches you back one final time.

“No! Let me go!”

The other Scouts run towards them but there is nothing anyone can do as lightning spirals down onto the wall and cracks the stone, striking Reiner and Bertholdt. Wind howls in your ears until your skin is burning from the cold, and debris flies past your face. Steam erupts, burning away the numbness as chips of stone fly at your face. Throwing up your arms, you feel shards dig at your skin as hot steam swarms you. Scalded, you let out a piercing shout as you fly back, Mikasa’s arms only tightening around you as they’re flung off the wall.

Activating her ODM gear, she manages to catch them both and you let out a choked groan when you stop abruptly, your shoulder screaming, your body on fire.

Grabbing the arm firmly around your waist, you plant your feet into the wall and look up as ribs sprout from thin air and dig into stone, cracking it easily. Your eyes begin to sting, from tears or from pain, you don’t know. A huge shape appears out of the steam that sears your face.

Head swimming, you watch numbly as the blistering gales force them into stillness and the giant figure with glowing yellow eyes reaches for Eren.

Brushing the itch off your cheek, you adjust your grip on the sack of apples when you see Sasha standing there, packing her bag and you stop when she calls your name, watching for a moment.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” you reply unsurely. You glance at the stables where you’re supposed to go to make sure your new steed is rested and well fed for their expedition. The past three months have passed in a strange sort of blur for you—whether it’s going to sleep late or waking up when the sun barely rises, sometimes both—you can’t recall ever being so alone. You don’t even remember the last time you spoke to any of your comrades outside of missions. Ever since the coup on the government, you’ve stayed out of the way. You helped mine the crystals from the Reiss Chapel cave, trained with the new Scout recruits, but you didn’t want to go out of your way to talk to them.

After all, what is there to say? You saved Bertholdt’s life back on the Wall. Even if now it means his powers can be transferred, you hadn’t know that back then. You just didn’t want him to die.

The blood of the Scouts lost getting back Eren is on your hands.

“Good luck on the mission,” Sasha says at length. You nod. “You could sit with us at the feast tonight.” Lips pulling back, you give her a fake smile. “We miss you.”

“Uh, no thanks, I’m not going,” you tell her. Sasha’s face falls and you look away, eyes fixing on the ground. “I don’t want to put a damper on your guys’ fun. Besides, I have some last minute preparation to do.“

“That’s a lie,” Sasha blurts, and your eyes snap to hers, but her eyebrows are arranged fiercely on her face, a warm determination burning in her eyes. “You’re acting just like you did when you first came to the cadet corps—we’re not strangers, you know? We don’t hate you.”

Your fingers tighten on the sack of apples you have in your hands. “Thanks, Sasha. That’s really nice of you, but I really have stuff to do.”

What you don’t say is that you find that hard to believe. With every waking second, you’re reminded of everything that’s happened. Preparing for the return of Shiganshina had only prompted another round of interrogative looks, whispers behind your back. You suppose you deserve it. Three years, and you’d been the closest to all three of them. What’s to stop you from being a fourth traitor?

There’s coincidence and then there’s correlation, and you’re more than aware of which side you fall on.

“It’s hard to kill your friends. We’re still with you. We understand—“

“I have to kill my family, Sasha. That’s who they are to me,” you murmur stonily, and Sasha’s eyes widen as you meet her gaze wretchedly. “I don’t want to go to the feast, but thanks for inviting me.” Again, quieter, softer, you tell her, “It was really nice of you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You turn to walk into the stables, and you find your horse near the back-middle in the right row of stalls. Horses lift their heads at your approach, and you sigh. This has always been a quiet place for you—horses don’t judge nearly as much as humans do. One of the steeds near the front nudges at your shoulder, and you smile to yourself, retrieving an apple for the stallion before moving on to your own horse.

A pretty dappled grey mare, she nickers at your approach and you reach up to scratch her ear before running your hand down her nose, stroking at the dark grey specks between wide black eyes. Leaning forward, you kiss her snout and she huffs against your cheek.

“Alright, alright.” Reaching into your bag, you retrieve another apple and she lips at the fruit before taking a bite and you smile when she drops it to the ground by your feet, a huge chunk taken out the side. Bending over to pick it up, pangs collide with your chest when you see the juices dripping over the bright red peel.

The sound of hooves against the dirt catch your attention, and you look up, picking up the apple and straightening up again. As soon as you spot black, you already know whose horse it is.

“Captain Levi.” You dip your head to your superior as he passes you, leading his black steed back into the stall next to yours, and he only gives you a brief surveying look. You feed the apple back to your mare.

“I heard you were visting Leonhart earlier today,” he says, pulling the door open and his horse walks in dutifully, turning around so Levi can take the harnesses off.

Dipping your head, you hold the back tight in one fist and reach to cup your horse’s cheek, stroking the underside of her jaw to her delight. “Yes, sir.”

“She crack?”

“No, sir.”

He hums, as if he expected as much. Your shoulders drop. You know you shouldn’t relax, around Captain Levi especially, but the first month after the revelation of Reiner and Bertholdt had left the captain as your principal babysitter just to make sure nothing was out of sorts with you.

It meant you had to sleep in separate quarters as the rest of the Scouts, was on Levi’s beck and call with tea, medicine, food, whatever he needed while in the office or otherwise. You had to force him to sleep a couple of times, and although you weren’t in the mood to be persistent, it still nagged at you until the month was up and Levi told you to stop following him.

“I could read out the report I wrote to Erwin for you, if you’d like,” he had said dryly. “Quiet, keeps to herself. Complies nearly to a fault—a model officer of the Survey Corps. Which is what you are. You’re not a caretaker or an administrative assistant. Now stop taling me like a lost duckling and get to work.”

You shake your head and sigh, extending the bag to Levi. “Does he want an apple, sir?” He eyes the bag apprehensively before taking it, pulling the bag open and extracting another gorgeous red apple. Lifting it to his horse, he hands the bag back to you as your horse nestles her head against your chin and you smile to yourself at the warmth emanating from her.

She must be able to sense whatever’s off about you. Holding her head close, you kiss her quickly before stepping back but she lets out an impatient whinny, neck stretching to bump her nose against your cheek.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you whisper. “Get some sleep, girl.” Scratching underneath her chin, you turn to look at Captain Levi who eyes you for a moment, then gestures for you to follow to the back where the tack room is.

“I know what the stakes are for you, but you’re not the only one who is putting everything on the line here,” he says and you nod as he hangs up the leather harness before washing his hands. “Whatever happens, happens. We don’t have time to dissect your guilt over tea anymore.”

“With all respect, Captain, I just don’t think it’s wise for me to come.”

“Commander Erwin thinks differently.” You nod again and Levi meets your stare, flinging off the wet on his hands before grabbing a clean towel and wiping himself off. “We need all the soldiers we can get to reclaim Shiganshina for humanity. That includes you—no matter what your ties are to the enemy. You aren’t having doubts, are you?”

“No, sir.” You swallow, throat bruised. “I’m just scared the moment I look into their eyes, I’ll hesitate. And it’s not because they’re humans,” you add quickly. “Had my fair share of human bloodshed during the coup, but I should be angry, right? I should be so fucking mad, and I think I am, but mostly, I just want them back. There has to be something wrong with me.”

“I’m not here to psychoanalyze you,” he tells you. “But nothing’s wrong with you. You’re probably more sane than most idiots who join the Survey Corps.” Eyes widening, you meet Levi’s impassive stare, but he only continues, “Get something to eat tonight, then get some sleep. This is your nerves talking.”

“Yes, sir.”

With that, he nods to you once more before hanging the towel up and walking past, out the stables. Looking down, your eyes find the sack of apples still in your hand and you lift it up, peering inside. Taking one out, you set the bag inside and head over to the sink nearby, washing the fruit off before looking up at the mirror hanging on the wall.

Closing your eyes, you take a bite and the sweet juices explode in your mouth. Smiling faintly to yourself, you can almost imagine a pair of lips teasing at the corner of your mouth and your heart aches when you realize you can barely remember what it’s like to kiss him.

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