#i personally like buying myself ones as little gifts especially when I've just got out of like a depressive episode

[loudlyunladylike]

just someone carrying three of the biggest flower bouquets I've ever seen and I almost cried of pure joy

[tranquil-ivy]

CHRIS STANS RISE!!! WE NEED TO GIVE THAT MAN MORE LOVE AND ATTENTION!!! 😤

Domestic Chris…Because that’s my specialty. 🥹

I see Chris having three kids, two boys, one girl. He’d be the type of dad to push his boys so hard, always expecting the best of the best from them. His daughter as well, but not as harsh. I see them all pretty close in age, maybe 1-2 years apart for each kid.

He’d have his boys do all sorts of sports and activities. Football, baseball, basketball, tennis, track, cross country, you name it, they do it. Chris would also help them practice, especially in football and baseball. His daughter would probably do ballet, tennis, and be in the Girl Scouts with Cecilia, and maybe do drama with Violet as well.

Also, it’s very much cannon that Chris spoils his daughter 10X more than his boys. His little girl wants to go on a Sephora shopping trip? Take his card and go crazy. His boys want to go out with their friends? Here’s $25 for the both of you.

Chris is also such a loving husband. He’d buy you gifts “Just because”. Or if you mention a new designer purse online, it would mysteriously show up on the dining table to greet you when you woke up…With a handwritten note of course. You were very much a spoiled wife, but he didn’t care, you gave him three beautiful kids for god sakes, of course he’d buy you whatever you want.

If there was ever a time any of your boys were disrespectful to you while he was gone, (Because they know better than to mess with their mother while dad’s around.) He’d give them the “You don’t disrespect MY wife.” Talk. Ugh, 😣 give me a chance Chris…☹️

- Anon! 🎀

🎀 ANON I FUCKING LOVE YOU I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK ABOUT HIM BUT NO ONE REALLY DOES MUCH IN THE CHRIS TAG ANYMORE AND THAT PLUMMETS MY MOTIVATION!!!

But I'll scream with you anyday bb!!!

(I'm sorry this is so long I just couldn't help myself 😭)

Okay so I've had the idea that Chris met someone with a child from a previous relationship (Your first born son, Let's name him Oliver and call him Ollie for short! He's like 2 years older than Violet. He struggles a bit in school so they're in the same grade, along with his younger brother, after he was held back in 5th and 8th grade but that's okay! Everyone struggles!)

Ollie was like 2 when they first met. Your ex-husband was a HORRIBLE MAN, absolutely terrible to you and the only good thing he ever did was bless you with Ollie. That's it.

Chris and his wife met through work (let's be honest here, how tf else would he meet a woman? Chris is very much a workaholic.) His wife is basically the lead of the BSAA's dispatch response team (Basically what Hunnigan does at the FOS but the BSAA's version) and she's good at her job. Very strong willed and mouthy as a mf. Isn't scared to go back at anyone over the radio and definitely got into it with Chris once or twice before they officially met.

(catch me posting what happened when they met in person the first chance someone asks)

Anyway!!

After y'all start dating it doesn't take long before you introduce Chris to your son and Ollie is just OBSESSED with Chris. Like you've never seen this kid so excited to see another human being until Chris shows up. You two only started dating for a few months and Ollie already calls Chris dad. You try correcting him scared AF that Chris is gonna get freaked out but he's actually super chill with it. He's use to taking care of people, he basically raised Claire after their parents died but this little guy is much younger and a lot more fun and excitable than Claire was.

A few months into the relationship you find out you're pregnant. Chris is excited but also freaking out with how often he's gone. But everything works out and you end up having your second son, Christopher Jr but CJ for short.

You and Chris end up getting married not long after your first anniversary after the babies born. Not making a big deal out of anything just getting papers signed and having a little get together celebrating everything.

2 years go by, Ollie's in Kindergarten and CJ does daycare. You start getting horribly ill out of nowhere. So you go get checked out and oh God you're pregnant again...

(This would be the point in time where Leon starts bugging for another baby with his wife)

9 months of Chris being a nervous wreck fly by and the world meets your daughter, Talulla, Lulu for short.

Chris would be adamant on sticking the kids in after school activities once they're old enough. His boys would do sports and his baby girl in softball and girl scouts so she can hangout with her pseudo cousins. (Her being 2 years younger than Violet and 2 years older than Cecilia) Until her older cousin quits cause girl scouts are for babies (🙄)

Chris and his wife would be UBER COMPETITIVE when it came to cookie selling season. It's all out war between the Redfield's and Kennedy's every year.

I feel like Ollie would also really be musically gifted and play piano for the school choir and musicals. Lulu would Ed up wanting to do drama but be a stage hand or in the costume department. She's actually very shy.

CJ is basically Chris when he was a kid. Always doing stupid shit... Getting in trouble over the dumbest of things but looking out for others. (Definitely beat up that kid who was picking on Violet when they were 7.)

You're getting calls from the school at least once a month because CJ got in trouble for either getting into an argument with a teacher over rules or another kid tried something stupid.

[russellsppttemplates]

an idea i've had: mick and mama each planning or getting a surprise for each other for the holidays (something different for each of them) but each told from their POV until they open them together?

Mick was on a mission: finding the perfect surprise gift for his wife. Throughout the year, he always made sure that, within reason, you were showered with gifts, but this one was special. It wasn't something you could buy from looking at somebody else wearing it or seeing it in a shop, at least not the way he wanted it.

"This is for my wife, so can I send the pictures to you?", Mick questioned, "if you want, you can make a digital mock up and it will be more accurate, you can do that here and I can help, the shop isn't too busy", the older man said, pulling a chair for Mick to sit.

"Look at these pictures, they're beautiful", he added, "these are from a few years ago, before we got married", Mick looked at the screen proudly as they helped him, telling the story in each one.

"I'm sorry I'm asking, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but don't you have a wedding photo album?", he asked, "I'm only wondering because since those became tradition, I hardly ever do these for people. Technology has come such a long way and some people don't want them either".

"We do, and we love it, don't get me wrong. Our photographer did an amazing job, and we still love going through it. But I wanted something a little bit personal, more us, with pictures of when we started dating all until now with our three kids", smiling as he pulled up the picture you took when you brought Harriet home.

"Very well, sir. I think it's a fine idea and I'm sure your wife will love it", the older man proceeded, grabbing the samples he needed to work with.

.

"You have to press a little bit harder, liebling, like this", you nudged, helping Harriet push the clay down with her palm, leaving the inprint, "now these have to dry?", Sebastian asked.

"Yes, this is mama's present to papa, and this is a surprise, so you can't tell him, okay?", you put your pointer finger in front of your lips, making a shhh sign and winking, delighting Harriet as the little girl laughed away, "we'll keep your secret, mama, don't worry!", Rora said.

With your family's help, you were able to spend the afternoon kid free making a delicious meal for you and Mick while getting the house ready. As much as you loved having your three hurricanes around, you missed the domesticity of being just you and your husband chilling out at home.

Mick was in a meeting, so he had no idea why, when he arrived home, the place was quiet, candles lit on a tidied house, "Liebling, I'm home!", he called, setting the bag with the shiny new photo album on the sofa and following the lit corridor to see the light on your bedroom.

Inside, he could see you in the bathroom bent over your bathtub, and filling it with the foamy product, "hey", he said softly, not wanting to startle you, "what are you doing?".

"It was supposed to be a surprise!", you blushed, "the kids are with my mother, I made that roast we really like, and I was hoping you'd join me for a bath", you smiled craddling his face on your hands and kissing his lips, "sounds great, love", he kissed the top of your head.

Undressing eachother, you both got in, talking about anything and everything, sharing caresses and soft touches, "I love having the kids with us, but I love having you to myself. Especially after Seb steals you from me", he chuckled, kissing your as he did the tie on your robe once you were out of the tub.

"This was delicious", Mick said as he placed his fork down, taking the plates to the kitchen, "I also have something for you", he admitted, pulling the album out of the bag.

"I thought you said no more surprises", you pouted, "I know you still have something for me", he pointed at you, seeing your blush which gave him his reason, "and, besides, I had this made".

"I loved this day! Angie was so little, look!", you smiled, touching the picture of the day when you got your puppy. It was the first family picture and it was a core memory.

"And this day, this was the day I'm sure Seb was conceived", you blushed, remembering the night, "this is amazing, Mick, I love it", you added, kissing his lips before you drank some wine.

(Thank you for your submission ✨️)

[mysteryshoptls]

SR Lilia Vanrouge Beastly Garb Personal Story: Part 1

"I've decided on this!"

Part 1 (Part 2)

[Sunset Savanna – Market]

Lilia: I set out to the city with Kalim, thinking I'd capitalize on the time we had left before Catch the Tail, but…

Lilia: Because of that performance we threw, we amassed a large audience.

Lilia: This must all be thanks to my genius playing abilities.

Lilia: I was able to slip out, but it looks like Kalim's still stuck in the crowd. Now, what to do…

Lilia: …

Lilia: He looks like he's enjoying himself with all the townsfolk, so it doesn't look like I should drag him away.

Lilia: Okay, while I wait for Kalim, I'll look around the shops here!

Lilia: The real charm point of a bazaar is how all the different smells intermingle with each other from every direction.

Lilia: Oh? Look who's over there…

Vil: Hello, Lilia. You're here too, I see.

Lilia: Thought it was you, Vil. You're shopping, too?

Vil: Why, yes. I was completely inundated by the shopkeepers just now… I was finally able to break free of them.

Vil: Oho? The hibiscus and baobab mixed juice we drank yesterday seems to be available to take home as well.

Vil: Perhaps I shall buy some for myself. I did hear that it was good for my skin, anyway.

Lilia: Aha. So you're looking for souvenirs, hm.

Vil: Are you, as well?

Lilia: I am! You can never give enough away, don't you think?

Lilia: Oh? Oooh! This warthog figure… It's beautifully crafted.

Vil: I see it’s made to be a piggy bank. I've seen a few of them at other stores as well. Looks to be a common item in Sunset Savanna.

Lilia: Common, hm. It's not a bad choice, but I think I want to look into something more unique.

Lilia: Oh! This doll has some kind of mechanism inside it. Its movements are odd.

Vil: Its colors are quite lovely, too. I wonder what kind of paint they used for it.

Lilia: I once bought Malleus a battery-operated toy for children, which he enjoyed mightily.

Lilia: Maybe he'll take a liking to this too.

Lilia: But… The more I look at it, the more I realize just now delicate it is.

Lilia: I wonder if this doll would be capable of withstanding Malleus's overwhelming strength.

Vil: Would you really be expecting anything from a children's toy?

Lilia: Hm. Then I suppose I should rethink this.

Lilia: It's always a difficult task to find a good souvenir for Malleus, which makes it all the more fun.

Vil: I completely understand. The harder the challenge, the more it compels you to rise above it.

Lilia: But with all these choices, there's no way I'd even have any time to pick the right one.

Lilia: Especially since I need to find a gift for not only Malleus, but also Silver and Sebek.

Lilia: Kufufu. I do remember we had a few incidents with gifts that I've bought those two as well, though.

Lilia: For a little while, I would always go out of my way to purchase the traditional outfits of the countries that I visited for Silver, but…

Lilia: That boy would just throw on a top and bottom from two completely different regions and leave the house with no sense of cohesion at all.

Lilia: I absolutely couldn't believe my eyes.

Lilia: The two patterns would conflict with each other terribly… I remember my eyes hurting so much…

Vil: What a waste. He only needs to wear something simple, that would be enough to show off the quality of the fabrics.

Lilia: Once, when I purchased some high-end, flashy clothes for Sebek,

Lilia: He said, "I am not worthy of wearing such a thing. This is more suited for the Young Master!!"

Lilia: He wouldn't wear it at all, what a bummer.

Lilia: So then after that, I just bought them both a regular shirt with the same pattern on it, and by coincidence, the two of them ended up wearing it the next day.

Lilia: Seeing them dressed alike was outrageously hilarious. They didn't seem to like it, though.

Vil: You've got story after story, don't you. Does that mean you buy a souvenir for them every time you travel?

Lilia: Yep. I'd traveled outside of Briar Valley many a time.

Lilia: I just wanted Malleus and the others to get a feel for the cultures in other countries, even if just through these souvenirs.

Lilia: …However, just once, I caused Malleus disappointment over a souvenir.

Vil: Over a souvenir?

Part 1 (Part 2)

Requested by Anonymous.

[consolecadet]

I'm feeling slightly less seething Christmas hatred than usual this year. I've reached a point where, though I still strongly dislike a lot of things about Christmas, I can separate out the different bits and not let the ones I hate make me cranky about the ones I like.

Like. . .I despise Christmas music, "ugly sweaters", the Salvation Army, jingly little bells, eggnog, candy canes, big hunks of ham, Christmas media, the crushing expectation that you must put on the cheerful rictus of The Christmas Spirit, elves (Santa can stay but only if he's gay), most Christian conceptions of religious entities, people's assumptions that you have a pleasant and uncomplicated relationship with your family of origin, the planet-burning American culture of consumption, proselytization, those new LED string lights that make your front lawn look like a gamer lair, etc, etc, etc.

But I do like peppermint bark, the smell of balsam fir, cheese plates, a short visit to my parents' nice house where trans people outnumber cis people 2:1 and I can always get into my car and drive away, knowing my sister will cherish any lesbian-themed objects I give her, incandescent string lights, neatly wrapping presents with nice paper and double-sided tape, and I guess Die Hard.

My local Buy Nothing group means I no longer have nearly as much of a guilt spiral about receiving gifts I dislike. I believe I've finally gotten my father to stop giving me novelty socks and awful plasticky novelty band-aids. (Actually, maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. I just realized the store where he bought his most irritating gifts closed permanently in 2020.) I also just don't take it as personally when people give me something that betrays a major misapprehension of who I am. It's not like I make it easy for people to know me, especially my parents.

I think part of what's making this time of year less psychologically harrowing is that 1) I got to do Christmas and Hanukkah with KC and without my parents last year, and thus reject within our apartment everything I hated while keeping the menorah and peppermint bark and 2) I spent some time this year trying to practice Judaism in ways my dad was not interested in sharing with me when I was growing up, and figured out what I did/didn't like or value about certain aspects of Jewish religious practice.

It seems very obvious that if I can give up on learning Hebrew because it's upsetting and difficult for me and have a seder with gluten-free matzo that doesn't halachically qualify as Real Matzo, I can absolutely also banish the concept of Christ and all renditions of Silent Night from my home while enjoying smelling a tree in there.

It's extremely common to be a child of an agnostic interfaith couple who did not give you a connection to any kind of faith community and left you with lots of baggage about it. I don't have to wait to fix my feelings about that before I can participate in any holiday or religious practice, and probably HAVE to try participating with a modicum of vulnerability if I want to change anything. Also none of these things materially affect Israel's genocidal behavior unless I, like, buy my parents SodaStream canisters for Christmas.

It probably also helps that I left the job where my boss expected extreme enthusiasm at all times and took any doubt or questions as personal affronts. I read The Promise of Happiness and no longer feel like affect alienation is a personal failing on my part. I feel far less bitter, resentful, and hateful about Christmas if I don't let people pressure me to be (or perform being) sweet, cheerful, and loving about it.

Fuck the Elf on the Shelf though. That's just weird.

[2bu]

I think you're one of the few tarot deck collectors I've followed for years, now, and I've always wondered: What do you look for in a deck? Do you just happen to collect any decks, or is there a certain criteria they have to meet in order for you to obtain it?

Howdy this is a real fun question!

I kinda did both in the past - but that was myself and my partner had far more money to spare and even then, I didn't go too crazy because we had very limited space in our old apartments. Nowadays, I do follow some sort of a rough criteria for any tarot or oracle deck purchases, which involves the following points I find most important in a deck:

Artwork - Does it look good? Is the art style unique? Does it appeal to my personal tastes/aesthetics? This is the most important to me with ANY deck, as it will make or break the vibes for me. Best example of decks I've connected really well with and am super fond of are the following right off the top of my head:

Tarot of the Divine

All of Maia Toll's Wild Wisdom decks (with companion books)

The Essential Tarot

Moonchild Tarot

The Sugar Skull Tarot

Theme / Aesthetic - Does this deck have a solid, recognizable theme that honours, yet freely interprets the meanings of the cards? Is it coherent, well-thought out, and does the aesthetic/theming of this deck match up all the way through? This is second most important to me because often times, there may be quite a lovely deck, but I may not like the 'theme' of it. Best example is the Zombie Tarot I own, which I'm not the biggest fan of as I have a fear of Zombies and Apocalyptic themes.

It has stellar artwork, the cards feel nice and it's visually very appealing, but due to the themes and apocalyptic references made I do not use this deck and will probably see about reselling it or gifting it to someone who would want it in the near future.

Representation - While I am not picky when it comes to decks, and will be a bit more forgiving of older decks that are well loved, beautiful, and recommended within the community, as an LGBT+ disabled person of colour, I tend to favour decks that will openly and unabashedly feature artwork of people of colour, disabled people, queer people, so on. Especially if they are made by said groups of people. Examples I've already given are Tarot of the Divine, The Essential Tarot, Moonchild Tarot, and another few recommendations I can give would be The Star Spinner Tarot, Queer Black Tarot, and Zeke's Arcana.

Lastly:

Quality - Does it come with a bag or box it can be stored in? How do the cards feel when I hold them or shuffle them? Can I even shuffle them? Does it have a guidebook of sorts? Is the artwork clear and overall visible with little to no flaws? Is it all collectively worth the price point?

As someone who is neurodivergent and can struggle with the feel of things against my hands/skin as a whole, this is definitely important to me, but I can deal with a deck that say, I really love, but may not feel the best in my hands, or can't be shuffled.

Personally, I dislike cards that are too glossy, and don't stack well/cannot stay stacked, or feel too slick in my hands. I also do not favour cards I cannot shuffle (then again I didn't learn how to properly cut the deck and shuffle until about a year or two ago).

So far, the decks that contain my favourite cardfeels and are of very high quality for the price points are Tarot of the Divine and Maia Toll's Wild Wisdom cards. They are very much worth the price paid for all of those decks respectively. Pretty much anything that feels like the playing card decks my grandmother owns is something I generally like and will seek out if possible, but only Tarot of the Divine has given me this!

As for pricing, well, tarot decks and oracle decks often range in price depending on where you buy, who you buy it from, their overall quality, what comes with it, etc. My most expensive and rarest deck that I got out of pure sheer luck was the Major Arcana Set for Sayonara Wild Hearts, and that ran me about maybe $120, as it is rare and hard to find at all, let alone in mint unopened condition. Mine was still in the packaging when I received it, and because I don't plan on selling it, this is fine, and I opened it to see the cards (which are simple but VERY beautiful).

OUGH this became longer than I was anticipating but I appreciate being asked stuff like this since I don't talk about my hobbies very often ^^;

[cloudy-cranium]

What kind of wish list do you have? That'd be a great idea for me but I'm not sure how to organise one.

Oh I have several systems I use to make this time of the year less of a nightmare, I'd love to share! Unfortunately I do not have a "succinct" setting so here, sorry :) here's the short version, too much under the cut.

TL;DR: Steps to an easy gift list:

1, REUSE your lists each year.

1b, LONG LISTS! Yeah no. Longer than that.

2, Categories can help

2b, Steal gift ideas from others!!

3, for REAL change your options up

4, Be specific about what you actually want

Wishlists were a pain for me for a long time. Eventually I got lazy and then I got smart. I also listened to complaints people had about others' wishlists, and tried to avoid their issues. I've used like one list for I think the last 4 years now, just refreshed. I have it in categories mostly to help me.

Tip 1: Refresh it every year. Instead of starting from scratch every season, when people start asking for my new list I just pull up last year's and delete everything I received/bought myself/just don't really need anymore.

Tip 1b: Make your list long!! Too long to be able to get everything. That lets you refresh next year, but it also gives people more options to choose from (vital) and reduces their anxiety about getting you the same thing as someone else.

Tip 2: This is optional but I use categories. They help me get more specific ideas, organize my thoughts, can help people narrow ideas down or help with off-list gift inspiration, and can also help people add to their own lists.

**Categories: these are arbitrary and all include miscellaneous items automatically. It's just a tool. Mine are Dog Things, Hobby, Home/Personal, and Kitchen - the dog things are on their own because they don't fit anywhere else; 'Kitchen' has its own category because it's one of my biggest categories personally. Other than that, personalize it: Art Supplies. Programming. Sports & Outdoors. Tools. Books. Games. Whatever's good for you**

Tip 2b: ask all your family/friends to give you their list and then steal their ideas :) works like a charm. I'll add some of mine at the end.

Tip 3: VARIETY. IT'S IMPORTANT. Some people want to be able to drop a lot of money on something you'll definitely like - maybe all your siblings want to buy you that gaming system together. Include it (at least for inspiration). Ask for that weighted blanket you really want. Don't feel bad for including expensive options. Some people want less expensive things - you want a LOT of these, especially easy ones: candy or treats, bath bombs/nails/face masks, candles/wax melts/incense you like, stickers, fun note pads, socks etc. (When gifting, these are helpful to add with a smaller item so it brings a little extra bonus.)

Some people want to buy you something useful. Some people want to buy you something FUN! Some people want to help you by buying something you need anyway; some want to gift you something you can't justify buying yourself but still really want. Include all of these! Give people options!!

TELL PEOPLE WHERE TO GET GIFT CARDS YOU'LL ACTUALLY USE!!! These are such a helpful inclusion!!! Some people are just gift card people. If you don't want generic amaz*n/walmart/fast food gift cards, TELL PEOPLE what stores & restaurants you already go to, especially for things you enjoy. If they can give you 5 nice boba teas one one card, or gift you clothes by putting $50 on a piece of plastic for you instead of actually trying to pick out something you want themselves, they'll do it!

Tip 4: Specificity. Some things speak for themselves, but if you write one word per item on your list, expect to get some things that are technically what you wrote but definitely not what you wanted. To avoid this, list scents/colors/brands/qualities you like ('over-the-ear squishy headphones [noise-canceling?]' is better than 'headphones,' where once I got gifted a new pair of the exact set I hated and was trying to replace); the specific use of the item you need ('spice/food organizers,' 'room organizers,' 'closet organizers,' and several other things can't be substituted for each other); A LINK to an option you like (!!! I learned this from my sister-in-law, where every list item has "like this:" and a link to a model that she already likes. The links will also sho similar items, stores she trusts, more details than you could ever write down & more); okay I got tired of writing. You get the gist. BUT If you include CLOTHES YOU MUST INCLUDE SIZES. NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS. SIZES. Styles too if you don't wanna get fucked over (or!! gift cards!!!!)

Those are the things that do the most for making my life easier. I'll drop a list of examples to steal! Sorry this got away from me lol thanks for coming to my TEDtalk!!

Examples of things in my categories: Dog Stuff (toys she likes, sweater size, things like a better leash or big toy or bed); Hobby (DICE. game accessories. yarn & fibre tools. hair dye things, hard-to-find niche parts, nice markers/paper, art tools, materials, fan merch, new hobbies you want to try, instruction books, instruments, cards, GIFT CARDS to places I already go); Home/Personal (speakers/headphones/other tech, books [please god be specific here], albums, decor/organization, a new vacuum, tools you find yourself needing, stuff for your window/deck/garden, along with clothes I might want and relevant sizes, yoga mat, coats/hats/clothes for the weather, memberships or subscriptions); Kitchen (replacement dishes, nice appliances, accessories, high-quality ingredients, more tools I'd like but can't afford)

[elizabethplaid]

a few more knitting notes for the night

Well, I didn't clean off the whole couch like I planned, but I at least sifted through the in-progress yarn bin.

I counted my deflated (not-yet-stuffed) pumpkins: 2 large and 7 mini. That's all the stuff I've knit since the last "stuffing spree", back in August. So 9 back then, 9 now = 18 pumpkins.

Next step is to tidy the yarn I've worked with over the summer. Some already went back in the big bin. A couple skeins need to be rewound. I need to separate a two-ply novelty yarn, to separate the eyelashes from the pom-poms. (It looks like clown pox, I stg.)

The leftover yarn bits from the Pantone hat were also loose in my bin. I don't want to start the 2nd hat yet, because Caron (the yarn company) really made the hanks look amazing. I'd like to display that next to the hat I made, so people can see why the colors are like that.

------------ I showed my dad the "harvest" of deflated pumpkins, along with the stuffed ones I've stashed away. (Also showed him the group photo from August.) He asked about pricing, and I said $10-15 for the smaller ones and $20-25 on the larger ones. He made a face and implied the prices were too high. I said Neighbor-G would fuss at me if I priced them too low, and I'm going to offer a discount for people buying multiple items.

If anyone wants to do a trade or partial trade, I would absolutely love that. Craft fair aside, K (from the library) and I have already discussed trading work between us. I plan to knit her a hooded scarf, and she will help me out with some quilting things. LL-J has destashed a bunch of yarn on me, so I don't mind giving her discounts or gifts. (I gave her 2 or 3 pumpkins last year.)

I know I won't sell everything, especially the pumpkins. I didn't make many cowls for that exact reason. It's 3 cowls (I decided to sell the dark green one), 2 scarves, the pumpkins, the cat-toy mice, and anything else will be display. (eg the Pantone hat, Harmony's sweaters, my leaf and mermaid shawls, etc)

Ugh, semi-irrationally, I'm pissed. Like, of COURSE I know pricing is tough. Appropriate for time-effort-materials versus what "sells", without alienating potential customers. I'm not trying to make a living, but I also know that whatever's left might make me feel discouraged.

Thank god for Neighbor-G being so supportive of me. She's the one that got me to attend (just displaying stuff for fun) in 2019. She's already jokingly warned me about pricing myself too low. She feels like the encouraging female role model that I really need, especially because she knows crafts and pricing and such. And dad trusts her, after working together in the community for many years.

2020 and 2021 were really rough for me, after a few years of decline. (I think I was really out of it by the end of 2017, but 2016 was still really good for me.) I still haven't taken doll pics in ages, but I'm so happy to be crafting again. Volunteering at the library and befriending LL-J made a huge difference. I'm so incredibly proud of my progress - stuff that's easy to show off to other people, rather than just my own personal victories.

With rejection-sensitive-dysphoria, a little stumble or set-back can throw me off for quite a while. Example: The Pantone hat ended up being too small. I got pumpkins stuffed within a week or so, but I think it took another month before I really got back into knitting. (That was also when I was getting into the cell phone games, oops.)

My point is that bringing up the pricing issue is another RSD trigger to me. It feels discouraging to think of how much -won't- sell. And if it's not selling solely because of my pricing, that'd be a big pain. Again, I want to bargain and trade with folks. I'd rather stuff gets taken home by other people, rather than ensuring I make a big profit. And it might not even be for other craft fair items. Like, "hey, run to the store and fetch me a snack" or something.

I think K and my counselor would say that's good for networking and building a presence in the community.

-----------

HOLY FUCK, I just remembered I had a biscornu (embroidered pin cushion) I was supposed to sell! I set that aside, because I have to sew the panels together and stuff it. Holy fuck, holy fuck, that's hilarious. Like, I started that thing last October!

*sigh* I have 2 weeks. It doesn't have to be done all at once. I could probably stuff pumpkins while I man the table, and people would love it.

[proof0fexistence]

bah humbug.

Merry whatever, happy who cares, and prosperous up yours.

I shouldn't be so cynical, I love Christmas. It was always my job to help decorate, to bake the cookies, to wrap presents. I was the little elf. I forced everyone to be festive. I don't know what shifted. My physical absence in my childhood home has left that hole for my family, but even for myself, the Christmas joy is gone.

My time home for Christmas is the longest I've been here since last January. You can tell that I'm not here much; there is not a shred of my clothing, a tschoskie I used to collect, or even any food I can eat anywhere. Instead of being welcomed home to doting family, warm meals, and a comfortable bed to fall into after a stressful semester, I am a visitor sleeping in my kitchen, my door being a sheet hung on a string. I prepare all of my meals myself, not like my family eats together anyway. I push my family to get out and do things together, and if we do, someone complains, but most of the time we don't. When it's time for me to return to school, I always get guilt-tripped, since my parents "barely saw me" the entire time I was home. Could it hurt for them to make the effort to spend time with me? There's a reason I don't come home often.

And now it's Christmas day. A weird tinge of sadness paints today, and no one wants to talk about it. I know why Christmas makes me sad. It's a reminder that my parents have no idea who I am. I can't entirely blame them for that, but it feels really easy to feel sorry for myself about it. It seems that my parents have only ever had an idea of who Paige is, even when I was younger. They can make out the silhouette, but it's hard for them to fill in the details. I got a bunch of backpacking gear for Christmas, all the stuff that was on my list. I'm grateful for it, it was what I needed, and nothing that I would buy for myself. But the smaller gifts felt impersonal. There was nothing that I received that wasn't on my list that indicated that there was any thought about what I might like. It felt very safe. I honestly would have felt better if they had tried to get me something specific and missed the mark completely. At least then it would have felt like they were trying.

I think it doesn't help that I come from a stiff-upper-lip family. Which is crazy to think about, since I am such an emotional person. It's always been this way, especially with my mom. I think messy emotions scare her. I've been trying to be more open of a person, more real (it's something that I've always struggled with), and I told her that Christmas makes me sad. All she could reply was "me too, isn't that sad?" End of conversation. I wanted to tell her that I felt like I have never really felt comfortable opening up to her or Dad, a weird part of me wanted to pull up all the past receipts, be mad, and yell at her about all the times when I tried to open up and she shut me down, or maybe cry with her about how we miss Grandma. I didn't get any of this, case in point.

A big part of me wants to go back to Worcester. I want to run away from my feelings and problems and spend the next 14 days sitting around and watching tv and sleeping all day. A big part of me wants to stop existing, just for a little bit, just until I can feel normal again.

A big part of me is so resentful of Rae. To be so blatant, she has always gotten exactly what she wanted or needed, and she still complains. I'm resentful because she asked for help, and she received it. She's allowed to throw fits, she's allowed to ask for more, she's allowed to be upset, and most of all, she's allowed to fail. And I don't ask for help, and I don't receive it. This is partly my fault. But, for good reason, for case studies in the past, I have asked for help, and I have not received it. I have been told to stop being dramatic, to suck it up. When I told my parents I was assaulted by a close family friend, that they were a room over when it happened, my mom told me she was worried that I was gonna come home and tell them that I was pregnant, as if my months of lonely sadness were the least of my worries. This just builds my resentment.

But I know that my parents don't know any better. I know that my mom is like me, she doesn't like to talk about her feelings, or maybe she doesn't think she can unless they're resolved and wrapped in a beautiful bow of self-actualization, and a note saying "But don't worry about me, I've got it figured out." What a beautiful Christmas gift that would be, I think that's what I want this year. Vulnerability, and proof that my family actually cares.

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY FORTY

I was thinking a lot about my overspending. It's been happening a lot lately, both before and after the holiday season, so no placing blame there. So what is it with this lately?

Thankfully, I've just been eating into my weekly budget instead of my savings... but if I'm being completely honest here, digging into savings for nothing else other than unnecessary shopping has happened multiple times before. I need to have better control over it!

How do I achieve that? The initial step is figuring out where the overspending comes from, or what causes it. The foundation, the core!

I did some soul-searching and online researching. Ended up finding some things that I resonated with and wanted to explore them a little more here.

The first thing I came across talked about emotional impulse spending, which is exactly what it sounds like. Impulse spending triggered by emotion(s) like anxiety or depression. Looking into myself, my habits, and my motivations, it does seem that I am 10x more likely to overspend when I am going through some kind of emotional turmoil. When life is peaceful, I gather, I collect, and I save. Easy. Simple. It's the emotion that complicates everything!

I wondered why I was turning to things in those moments, especially since I'm not really what one would consider "materialistic." It's because people have hurt me with unreliability and/or cruelty. Things just decorate my home and give me something nice to look at. I'd prefer to buy myself something than to reach out to someone that may make the pain worse; I've grown rather tired of that, happens far too often.

Next, I found out about people who lack financial literacy. Financial literacy is the ability to effectively manage and make informed decisions about personal finances, including budgeting, saving, and investing. I may be a person who lacks financial literacy. I hate having to own up to that but there is no improvement without accountability, is there? The definition of financial literacy also states that there is a possession of skills, knowledge, and behaviors that enable individuals to manage their finances effectively. *sigh* Note to self, this is not for guilt but for change! I know the basics of course, but I also know I need to face the reality of lacking adequate financial literacy.

There's been no social pressure or having to "keep up appearances." The lack of a healthy self-image doesn't come from my finances, I know that is a definite fact. No blindness to inflation either. I am well aware that existence is just too damn expensive right now. Credit misconception is when people see their credit cards as "extra money," not something to be paid back. Yeah, none of that going on. I know the definitions and differences of credit, debit, and gift cards.

I did learn about lifestyle creeping. This is the process of expenses unintentionally creeping up as one's income increases. Maybe a pinch of that...? I do need to stay the hell off of GrubHub but it's more affordable with the hours I'm working. And let's not forget Amazon's eternal stronghold on my wallet. I am just going through the possibilities, trying to figure it all out.

Last thing I found that resonated with me is that many, if not the majority, of people with ADHD engage in impulse spending. The recently updated statistics I found were:

*58% of ADHDers spend impulsively.

*51% of ADHDers struggle with budgeting.

*49% of ADHDers struggle to save.

It all got narrowed down to achieving that nice rush of dopamine which the ADHD brain is constantly craving. This definitely gives me a reason to not beat myself up if I slip, but I never want to use it as an excuse to not do what I'm supposed to do in this life as a functional adult.

Doing that means the issue is behavioral, not cognitive. I need to try to be more self-aware, execute better planning, and utilize coping skills for the harder days. In many areas of my life, I need to take my power back and call all my efforts back to me. This is one of them.

More thoughts later.

[dzpenumbra]

12/10/22

I'm still eating food, I've been grazing for like 2-3 hours now. I guess. I have such little perception of time, I swear. Hard to gauge because cooking took a long time. I made buffalo chicken crunchwraps, and good lord was it worth the effort!

Today was a much better day. Super productive, high energy. I got the meds for my cat sorted, we have them now, she gets them with her food at 11PM tomorrow. I am putting a notification in my phone now. I did it! I did the normal adult thing! Yay.

I decided to get groceries while I was out. I had to piss real bad the whole time, so it was pretty stressful, but I got it done. $200 for 3 bags of groceries. Like... what the fuck. Like... I'm not even buying meat anymore and this shit is just ridiculously expensive. Please tell me I'm not the only one noticing this. In my "I am barely functioning mid-20's" I was living off of like... frozen meals, energy drinks and gatorade and shit, and I could get like 3-4 bags full of that for like... less than $150. The shit I'm getting now is way cheaper, cooking it all myself, and it's more expensive. Dark times, man.

Anyway, I got home, threw some laundry in - it's super easy and the laundry is like... right below my place, so really conveniently located too. I had like an almost 3 hour conversation with my mom. A really good one. I legit had no idea how long the conversation went on for, I was planning a short one just to check in. We talked Christmas gifts, catching her up on the vet drama, and... my impostor syndrome. My struggle with accepting that I have ADHD. Which, coincidentally, happened to come at the same exact time as my struggle to accept that it's possible for me to be a successful professional artist. And that I even have artistic talent. What a fucking coincidence, huh? Probably just random chance, I'd bet. XD

She helped reassure me, and we talked through the implications, pros and cons of all outcomes. It really helped, I mean that. Just having another perspective on it, and one that has logged a ton of hours around my brain is just... invaluable, honestly. I'm sure any artist reading this could relate, when you work on a super detailed piece for like 30+ hours and even after stepping away and coming back... you still see every little mistake and it doesn't... awe you. Not the way someone else's piece would. But when you see the genuine reaction of someone seeing it for the first time and their jaw hits the floor... Yeah, dude. That can help pull those jaded blinders down a bit. Now take that experience and apply it to... your personality, the way you think, the way you experience life. That's a really tough one to like... get perspective on, especially when you've dedicated a big chunk of your life to trying to "play the game" and fit in. To not draw attention. To be "normal". To function by standards expected of you.

There are a few reasons I've been pushing back against this ADHD thing.

1) I have been misdiagnosed before - with epilepsy. I took it very seriously. I went through tons of med trials. I joined the Epilepsy Foundation. I wore a medical alert necklace every day. I did a 48 hour EEG with an electrode cap that I wore the whole time. Like, I remember vividly standing on my porch smoking cigarettes with gauze wrapped around my head, must've freaked out the neighbors. It was very shameful, very embarrassing, humiliating. And I still feel, even though it was completely naïve and not even my fault, like my actions were like... offensive to people who actually have epilepsy. Even in my ignorance. Yeah, I'm hard on myself, but like 5 years later I still feel that way. And I don't want to do that again.

2) I don't want to feel like I'm looking for an excuse to get me out of responsibilities in life. I have been treated this way constantly. Like I'm lazy or "not motivated" or slow, or dumb, or something. Mostly lazy though. Like "what the fuck, clean your dishes", "just clean your house, you'll feel much better". "Get a job." "Successful people make their bed in the morning." Shit like that. I'm adopting the suspicion of bitter people who hate their lives, people I haven't spoken to in years, and weaponizing that suspicion against myself as a way of talking myself out of a diagnosis I have confirmed at least 3 times. At different stages of my life, too. For fuck's sake, I even got a brain scan that confirmed this. But nope, enough people drilled this into my head at extremely vulnerable times... so... I must be actually lazy. And I must be so desperate to stay lazy and to cheat at life that I'm going to dig up a 20 year old diagnosis and point at it and go "look, look, this means it's okay for dishes to be difficult for me". Again, this overlaps with the impostor thing, because I am saying that. I am saying that dishes are significantly harder for me than neurotypical people, especially consistently doing dishes and staying ahead of them. The only catch here is whether the reason is because of ADHD, and for some reason... I feel like I need a more concrete or more recent diagnosis to really claim that.

I'm sure there are more reasons, but I feel like I'm just ranting and bitching and I'm actually getting bored of hearing myself complain about this. XD

I have been waiting all day to fire up a game of Rimworld, since like 2 days ago, actually. Because I've had so much going on that I haven't had any time to like... chill and unwind until after midnight. Guess what? It's after midnight. -_- Do I unwind with a game for a bit? (which will likely turn into 4AM really quick) Or do I start getting ready for bed?

Gonna say fuck it and roll the dice tonight, see what chance has in store for me.

[lilosaur]

hewwo! i've read your writings and they're so fluffy hhhhh 💖 also if it's alright, can i request scenarios for the boys(mitsuya, chifuyu, inui) when their s/o knit them a scarf or sweater?? 👉👈

ahhh tysm!! I hope you enjoy reading this, I’m glad you enjoy reading my works’ 🤎

༉‧₊˚✧ When You Knit Them a Scarf ˳೫˚∗

⟶ ticket no. 4 ɞ

w/ Mitsuya Takashi | Matsuno Chifuyu | Inui Seishu

Warnings - wearing a scarf? relationships

fluff!

ʚ Mitsuya Takashi ɞ

Mitsuya himself makes you a lot of clothes, you’d get cool clothes only available for you to wear! When you told him that you knit he probably got really excited that you two kinda have something in common!

You decided to make him a scarf since your relationship has gotten tighter over the weeks, you really put your heart and soul into the whole project, from planning it to picking out the colors to figuring out how long it should be. It may have taken you a little while to make but it was so worth it! You just hoped Mitsuya would love it as much as you do.

You decided to put it in a little gift box and buy a fancy bow to put on top, it really just adds a bit of spice to the whole thing!

You stopped by Mitsuya's house after school to bring him your little gift. Your kinda nervous to see if he’ll like it or not. but honestly he will love it When you put the gift in his hands he looked at you and smiled, his smile is so bright and warm!!

“What’s this?” He asks in his soft voice. omg his soft voice is so<33

“A gift for you!” You say excited and eager for him to open it.

Mitsuya carefully lifts open the top of the box and immediately smiles when he sees the scarf inside, you can tell he really likes it!

“Wow y/n this is so pretty, your actually amazing you know that?” When he said that you can feel little butterfly’s flutter around your stomach. he’s so sweet

“I was worried you weren’t going to like it haha” When you told him that his smile kinda faded a bit :(

“Why would you think that? Of course I’d love it, it’s coming from the most amazing person in the world, my one true love.” Your heart was about to melt… literally. Mitsuya wrapped his arms around you pulling you into a hug.

“Thank you for the scarf.” He whispered into your ear, you were blushing just a little bit and super happy that he liked it. Maybe you should make him more things in the future..

༚༅༚˳❃˳༚༅༚

ʚ Matsuno Chifuyu ɞ

You saw on tiktok that someone made a scarf for this s/o, you wanted to do the same thing for Chifuyu.. you knew how to knit a little bit so it was time to do some research on how to get better at it. After a few practice tries you were ready to start on your big project! A scarf for Chifuyu, especially with winter coming up he’s gonna need one! You decided to put little cats that looked like peke j into the scarf, he’ll definitely love that. peke j is so cute too ngl

You took one final look at the scarf, it have a few flaws here and there but you were still new to knitting and not everything’s perfect, you just hoped Chifuyu would like it enough to wear it..

You and Chifuyu had a date tonight so you decided to give it to him then as a surprise gift! You found a nice gift bag to put it in with some fancy paper to add some pop to the whole idea.

Once your date was almost over you pulled out your gift for Chifuyu…

“Oh no you didn’t have to get me a gift y/n!”

“I want you to have it, it’s personalized for you silly!” His face looks confusing when you said that, ‘personalized for him??’

When he took out the fancy paper he saw the scarf sitting alone at the bottom, he gently pulled it out and a joyful smile appeared on his face.

“Woah this is so cool! Did you make this?” Chifuyu asks excitedly

“Mhm!” You responded too nervous to make any real conversation.

“Oh my gosh even peke j is on it, your the best y/n!!” Chifuyu made sure to give you plenty of tiny kisses all over your face while walking you home, just the thought that you made something for him warms his heart so much.!

༚༅༚˳❃˳༚༅༚

ʚ Inui Seishu ɞ

Inui is definitely the kind of person who is almost always cold or shivering with goosebumps all over, it was your grand idea to knit him a cute and casual scarf that maybe could help him out with that. You didn’t really know what kind of theme Inui would like since he doesn’t share much of his small interests like favorite animals/colors :(

So you decided to stick to basics and make a lovely beige scarf, something simple that maybe he’ll like it? You made sure to make it long enough that it drapes down his shoulder to help keep his body warm too! Secretly planning the perfect gift hoping that Inui would like it too.

You were so close to being finished on Inui's scarf working on the last bit in your room when you hear your window start to open…

“Hey y/n whatcha doing?” Inui pops into your room from the window… it’s like 1:00 in the morning-

“Inui! What are you doing here!?” You shout lightly trying to cover up your gift for him.

“Oh are you making something? I really just kind of missed you so I wanted to come by and hang out. If your busy I can go-”

“No it’s fine I was just working on a project..”

“What kind of project?” he asks while he inspects what your hiding with you hands.

“Umm it may be a gift.. for someone…”

“Huh? Oh I get it, oops my bad did I spoil jt for myself?” Inui laughs nervously with his hand behind his neck.

“No it’s okay, im almost finished with it so you can have it once im done!”

“Can I watch you finish it?” He asks curiously.

“Oh sure..” you reply nervously with a bit of light pink developing across your face.

You spend the rest of the night knitting on your ‘project’ while Inui watches behind you. Maybe your little gift was spoiled but by the look in his eyes as he watches you, you can tell he already loves the new addition soon to be in his wardrobe.

Wow I really enjoyed writing this, if you can knit that’s so awesome I wanna learn to knit one day!! As always thanks for reading and have an amazing day/night <3

[abellaheart-blog]

hello! may I have JJBA matchup?

I'm reserved person who opens up with people slowly I can be pretty awkward at first but eventually I become witty, funny, kind, and chatty I can't really say no to helping people I'm very passionate about the things I love such as writing and reading I also like to make others comfortable and I'm extremely amicable to the point I can't really confront others it gives me a lot of anxiety but I believe in direct communication and honesty I'm optimistic hopeful cheerful and friendly when I'm happy but I'm prone to mood swings that make me a bit mean and irritable (I try my best to control it) I really like intellectual conversations or just talking about similar topics of interest for fun

I'm 5'0 chubby and of south Asian descent with mid length curly hair and I'm 24

my zodiac sign is Pieces and my MBTI is INFP, I'm also bi and I don't being paired with any gender and my pronouns are she/they (I'd only like to be paired with any canonically adult character)

My most ideal dates are at home date, classic dinners, shopping, cafes, museums, picnic, or movies.

During dates I love to dress up with makeup and cute dresses and hold my partner's hand or link arms. Either we chat or enjoy a comfortable silence. In a relationship I like to be a team with my partner and I like to feel myself grow and help them grow. I love mutual support in my relationships.

I am extremely physically affectionate with those that I'm close to but I'm not clingy and like my own space. Physical affection happens to be a love language of mine.

My hobbies are reading and writing and anything to do with stories. If I'm not reading a story, I'm thinking about it.

Lastly, I've a younger brother who I love deeply since I'm the one who wanted a younger sibling. I love buying little gifts for him sharing things with him and making sure he's growing well. He actually got me into JJBA and I love that sometimes we have the same tastes. Thank you 💜

Anime Matchups 💘

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure

This one took me quite a bit to think of a matchup as there is so many characters but I finally made a decision. I hope you like the matchup and I think it’s sweet you got a good relationship with your brother. JJBA is so amazing I’m glad you didn’t miss out on it thanks to him.

Erina Pendleton

You and erina are bound to have true romance. One, many others would dream of having. She admires everything about your person and would treat you so well. She’s a loving woman with a lot to give her partner.

She’s a lady who is also reserved at first as well but after a while you both opened up a bit.

Your awkwardness is admirable to her. She likes your wit, intellect, and humor. She doesn’t mind your chattiness since she likes listening to what you have to say.

She respects your pronouns and will refer to you as both.

You not being able to say no to helping others will be one of the things she loves most about you. She will aid in helping you out on your work load in whatever it may be.

She can tell by the way you talk about your writing and reading how passionate you are about it. She’ll like you reading to her and telling her all about what you read or write.

She understands conflict is hard for others. She will be comforting and give you advice about it. She hopes she can be helpful to you in those moments. One should always express their feelings in those moments as it could lead to other problems.

Communication and honesty is what Erina wants from a relationship. She loves all your traits especially your optimism. She believes hope and happiness are important.

She can handle your mood swings. Her motherly side comes out when you have them. Your irritation is understandable and she’d give you space if you really need it. She will try to calm you down though.

Your wit is one of the reasons she loves you so she’ll like intellectual conversations.

She adores your curly hair and would love to brush it for you or help with it if she’s allowed to. She’ll often compliment your curls or touch them when she looks into your eyes. She thinks your height is cute.

Erina is absolutely interested in the same dates as you! She loves shopping, dinners, cafés, and the movies. She has often been to museums in her childhood so she’d love visiting one as a date with you. Picnics are her favorite she likes preparing food and holding the basket. Home dates are very much enjoyable for her since she’s so domestic. During dates she loves learning more about you. She’s excited during dates and gives you eyes full of admiration.

She’ll love your sense of fashion and how well you dress up for your dates with her. She’ll compliment your makeup and ask for tips. She might ask you to do her makeup sometime since she admires how well you do yours. She does neutral makeup so she wouldn’t mind changing it up to match with you.

You two will be doing a lot of shopping together. She’d like to get matching outfits or a pair of lovely earrings. For you she’d pick out a necklace.

She will always link her arm with yours. She doesn’t mind holding your hand. She’ll probably blush about it in the beginning.

Once again she’s pretty domestic so she can enjoy comfortable silence. She does like chatting with you though.

Trust me when I say Erina will help you grow. She’s extremely supportive. You’ll learn much from her as well. I assure you she’ll stand at your side always. She’s very loyal.

She loves affection but she’ll be flustered. She’s bashful and will return affection to the best of her ability. She respects your boundaries.

She thinks your relationship with your brother is such a lovely sight to see. She really loves this caring side of you. It makes her think how lucky she is having you at her side. She will be sure to include your brother in a couple things so she can get to know him.

Your zodiac is Pisces while Erina’s is Cancer. You’re both incredibly compatible. It’s a true love connection.

You both have such a loving and romantic dynamic. You both have a great understanding of each other and will have such a wonderful time together. No matter what you’re both doing it will be enjoyable.

[fy-2pm]

[TRANS] 2PM's Junho 'ESQUIRE' Interview

Summer 2021, Drunk in Junho

The hot and gentle story Junho and I shared with "W by Windsor"

Q: The book "If Our Language is Whiskey" by Haruki Murakami is chosen for the shooting with "W by Windsor" (Hereinafter "W"). It's the perfect combination for a "Whiskey trip" to Scotland and Ireland with the 100% Scottish "W."

JH: This will be interesting. I like reading books. I've been reading a lot lately.

Q: What kind of book do you usually read?

JH: I don't have a favorite reading here. I try to read different kinds of genre and not just focus on a specific genre. Recently, I am into how to handle diseases and death. I read a variety of books. It feels good to know something. If I know about a certain topic, when we talk, we can share our opinions. Even while I was in the army, I don't want to miss the trend so I read more at that time.

Q: You read more during your army. Did anything change since you were discharged?

JH: It's been more than 100 days since my discharge and it's been really hectic. These were the busy days that I've missed, but I managed to adjust really quickly without any hard feelings. It feels like there is no empty space. I don't think I have changed a lot but I think my mindset has changed a bit. Comparing with the past, I want to treat everything more leisurely. I don't want to feel the rush, the struggle or under attack. I just want to do things step by step. That kind of feeling? I think the people around me can see this feeling too.

Q: That's right. 2PM members said "Junho has a hot temper"

JH: When I say I will do something, I will do it right away. I've achieved a lot because of this personality. However, as I look back to myself, there are times when I think if I should have thought about a little more.

Q: During the "Army hiatus" you received a nickname 'My House Junho'. When you find out, how did you react?

JH: It was at autumn 2019 when I just started serving. Because I really miss the stage, I've been looking up 2PM and my own videos. I could see that the number of views for "My House Junho" has increased gradually. I just thought, 'This will come to a stop soon'. It's like an event.

Q: It's a video but there are some interesting comments. It feels like a playground.

JH: It's becoming like a community. In there, it feels like you are competing with each other to see who can write something more interesting. It's amazing. One of the most memorable commend said, "I only realize what is spring after the flowers fell." It sounds sad but feels good. (Note: This is a common Korean phrase meaning I only realized something or someone is good after he/she it's gone)

Q: Spring has come again. You have come again.

JH: It means that we were like flowers. But ironically, I don't think we are gone yet.

Q: The more you think about it, the more touching this is.

JH: I think "My House" received a lot of love not because of algorithm or luch, but because fans have real interest in the song. Just by sharing the video, clicking to view and leaving comments, there are all hard work by fans. This is making it fun and we came across a situation where we can do this all over again. Thank you very much.

Q: It becomes a famous "Icon of Hard Work" and it's seeing the light.

JH: For whatever it is, my personality is to try to achieve it. At one point in time, I thought making an effort itself is difficult. After living like this for a long time, I got used to it and now, I don't think of it as making an effort anymore. I've been working hard on my exercise and die but this just become part of my daily life. But I do think about, 'How much long do I have to do this?' (Laugh).

Q: I think you're a person who will not give up. Junho played the role of Dong-Woo in the movie <Twenty>, where he gave up his dream and said, "Do you know how hard it i to give up?" Not giving up is hard but giving up is hard, too.

JH: I haven't really thought about give up. But if I do give up, I am going to give it up entirely so that I won't remember what happened. To the extreme where is either all or nothing. This is why I don't give up anymore. If you give up something, all that you have done is like nothing had happened.

Q: Even for giving up perfectionism.

JH: With this personality, it used to make me feel really tired. People around me must be tired, too. At one point in time, I feel this is just the way it is. There is nothing wrong with being perfect. But now, I think it's okay to be imperfect. I came to the realization that I cannot do everything by myself. There are also many people who are helping me.

Q: From "Best Idols" to everyone's "Adult Idols". When it comes to adult, you cannot skip the alcohol.

JH: I can't drink that often because I have to take care of my body with exercise and diet. But I do enjoy it. These days, I cannot just drink freely outside, so I will take a sip at home. Drink a little bit of Whiskey and it will make you fall asleep comfortably. I enjoy my alone time like that at home. I used to think coffee and alcohol are bitter. "Why would I drink that?" Now that I know the taste of coffee, I bought a coffee machine. I am also collecting vintage wine. I buy them and give them to people around me as gifts. Let's say you want to drink beer just as cold as coke. For Whiskey, you pour it out to enjoy the taste and aroma. I don't understand this taste before. I thought it was for just people who enjoy strong flavors.

Q: Knowing the taste of coffee and alcohol is like a symbol of adulthood. Especially for Whiskey, that's like the preservation of a mature adult. Actually, I go a little worried when I saw an article saying Junho is not good at drinking. I wonder if you will go well with "W."

JH: Right, I haven't talk much about alcohol. There were articles like "He could only take one glass of beer" or "He went home so early" for the after parties. I think the fans know that I am a weak drinker but it's not bad for them to think I am cute because of that. But I am not that crazily weak! (Laughs)

Q: There's this article where you said "I usually drink well but I refused to drink at an after party yesterday because of thinks interview". So I thought, "Being a weak drinker self-management is on another level"

JH: For sure, if you have a schedule, you have to have some self control. Even if you drink, just enough to feel good. But even if I drink and go to sleep, I feel refreshed the next day. I don't know if it's because my liver is still in good condition, but I don't usually suffer from hangovers.

Q: Many people say that you will suffer less hangovers drinking Whiskey than other alcohol. I think "W" is good for people like Junho who enjoys drinking comfortably.

JH: I think "W" is especially refreshing. It has a good aroma and it's smooth to swallow. Comparing with other alcohol, Whiskey seems to have a higher entry level but you can have "W" easily. Actually, it has a lower alcohol level than normal Whiskey. During today's filming, I can feel the aroma and I've been sipping little by little. Maybe that's why I feel good now (Laugh).

Q: What food will go well with "W"?

JH: They often have nuts and chocolate with Whiskey but i would like to recommend tteokbokki. It's not the spicy tteokbokki but the one with beef and sweet soy sauce. You may think "What do you mean by having tekkbokki with Whiskey?" Just do it. It goes well together.

Q: How do you usually drink Whiskey?

JH: It all depends on my mood or situation. I think you find your own way that suits you, so you can drink comfortably. If you want to go to sleep quickly, drink it in a small glass in one shot. If you want to watch a movie, drink it cold with ice. I've been drinking Whiskey with ice and that got me interested in big block of ice. I even looked up YouTube videos where bar mixologist carved some ice balls. I even thought about buying an ice ball maker.

Q: It's all about "equipment" (Laugh)

JH: Even for coffee, I started not knowing anything but I was curious. I bought coffee beans and did the grinding myself. But the grinding size is too big so I went to study how to make it smaller. It became more fun. The scope of Whiskey is even wider when you have experience the different between having Whiskey on its own or having it with it.

Q: In JTBC's <Knowing Bros> when talked about the reverse popularity with "My House Junho" Wooyoung said "It's all because of Junho's virtue. Junho is very careful in everything so that he won't hurt the members. He will sacrifice for the team" I wonder why he feels like this.

JH: I am working as 2PM and as an actor, so all my schedules need to go well together. There are times when drama comes, so I have to turn down 2PM activities. I think that can happen but it's normal. As an actor, it's difficult to do other things when you are involve in a drama. Even though, I can multi-task my schedules, it's still a problem I need to solve. So even when I don't have much sleep, I don't want to show I'm tired. I always want to make myself feel good.

Q: I think 2PM's charms are "bonds between members" and "consistency". Both sounds easy but it's difficult to do. How did you keep up?

JH: Consideration is the most important and you should never think selfishly. We have been together for 14 years, so one of us could have done that to another person. We weren't adults when we started, so we are always talking to each other and still is today. Our tastes, our personalities and what we want to do are all different. For sure, we compromise and we give in for others but we became more considerate. This is when you know this friend is so kind and considerate. I think this is similar to what Wooyoung said.

Q: Becoming a senior idol

JH: Over the years, we have accumulated lots of experienced and our fields were being broaden. I think we can be a good example with how we stayed together and continue to work as singers. "Bukae" is the trend these days (Note: Bukae means a second job)

Q: Do you any advice fro the juniors?

JH: Umm, let's do well? (Laugh). There's a big difference between good and bad examples. Always watch what you say. Always watch what you do. I hope we can promote happily with the juniors.

Q: There's this "daily energy". It's the energy that shape your daily life with small changes. What shapes Junho's daily life?

JH: Before the schedules start, I must get up. By doing so, it already shape my day.

Q: The process of being fully occupied and working hard is beautiful. Of course, the results are often great. "W" is also trying to maintain the brand's reputation by carefully selecting the undiluted Scotch Whiskey in Scotland. Junho, I wonder what effort you are making to keep o

JH: And I try not to sleep during my schedules unless I'm very tired. I want to do everything with a clear mind. When you wake up, you're dazing. There was a time when we had schedules at Seoul, Daejeon, Daegu and Busan in different broadcast programs. There was a time when I couldn't sleep on a bed for 2 weeks while we prepared for the end year ceremonies. I was sleeping in the moving car. It was all fun memory but at some point in time, we didn't know how it all went because it was so hectic. I really regret it because I don't want to forget as much as I can. That's why I became interested in photography and videography. I bought a camera and a camcorder to record.

Q: You've been busy since 17. I wonder if you have gone through adolescence.

JH: Of course, I did right? (Laughs). On the other hand, my parents worked in double jobs, so my realization of their importance came a little early. My dad worked as a sea navigator. I didn't see him for 6-12 months so I miss him even more. When I was in elementary school, I went to my mom's workplace and called out to her until she answered me and I cried "I miss you." Now that I think about it, I wonder how busy they were.

Q: The process of being fully occupied and working hard is beautiful. Of course, the results are often great. "W" is also trying to maintain the brand's reputation by carefully selecting the undiluted Scotch Whiskey in Scotland. Junho, I wonder what effort you are making to keep your own color.

JH: I like things that are natural and light. I want to be a person who doesn't provoke or irritate, just like a piece of paper. Sometimes, it can be hard to keep it plain because I have my hot temper and fire but having this mindset keeps me neutralized. In <I Live Alone>, I used the moktak and this is one of my effort to do so. It's relaxing and makes me calmer.

Korean to English translation @JLML718 (Twitter)

[oliviermiraarmstrongs]

mid-year book freak out tag

thank you @bloody-wonder for giving me an excuse to share my book thoughts!

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

It’s gotta be The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood; I hear “feminist period novel about mentally ill woman unable to cope in upper-class society” and I am THERE! It’s like [Stefon voice] This book has EVERYTHING: repressed women, a decaying old house, a complex relationship of two sisters, a pulpy sci-fi story-within-a-story-within-a-story, criticism of capitalism and reactionary attitudes and politics, commentary on how conservative society shuns those it perceives to be “other” and a threat to the social order (poor people, socialists, “unconventional” women). It is EXTREMELY my shit.

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

The only one I've read is Siege and Storm, so Siege and Storm! Shadow and Bone was captivating, if a little simplistic, but the sequel really fleshes out the characters, setting, and themes. It’s great to see Alina take a more active role, and I love the exploration of sainthood. 

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To?

I’m really curious about Michelle Zauner’s memoir Crying in H Mart. Same with Axiom’s End, which I haven’t really been seeking out, but it’s been resting on my list since I like a lot of Lindsay Ellis’ stuff.

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2021?

5. Biggest Disappointment?

The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. I’ve been getting into Atwood, and I have a soft spot for female-centric retellings of myths, so this was on my list for a long time. It’s not bad; it’s decent as a character study and offers some good perspective on the hanged slave women from The Odyssey, but overall it came off as...bitter? And not in a good way. It’s reasonable to include commentary on how bad things were for women in ancient times, but after a while I’m just like “But there had to be a time when Penelope was happy, right?” But the biggest failing has to be the treatment of Helen. Why a story focused on bringing literary justice to silenced women also characterizes Helen of Troy as a manipulative, arrogant bitch who single-handedly ignited the Trojan War because she enjoys fucking people over, I’ll never know. Ironic that in the opening chapter, Penelope bemoans being used as a yardstick with which to judge other women, and then the book proceeds to do exactly that with her and Helen. Can’t let Penelope have a positive relationship with another woman! There could be some form of unreliable narrator at play, but there’s not much indication that that’s the case here. Even Homer had a more nuanced portrayal of Helen than this!

6. Biggest Surprise?

I suppose The Red Tent. I picked it up at a Goodwill because of my aforementioned interest in female-centric retellings. It’s not amazing, but I wasn’t really expecting it to emotionally affect me like it did. You spend so much time setting up Dinah’s family and this supportive community of woman within a patriarchal society, only to have Dinah abandon it all after getting betrayed by her father and (most of) her brothers. Hearing about how her family fell apart after she left and she never got to see her mothers again really gets to me. The book has flaws for sure - neither of Dinah’s romances are developed very well, and some of its themes can come off as gender essentialist - but I think it’s a nice exploration of female labor and traditions that too often get ignored.

7. Favorite New Author?

The only relatively new author I’ve been reading is Leigh Bardugo, soooooo... honestly I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said, I got into the series pretty late. Great world-building, witty dialogue, a familiar type of story with enough interesting ideas to make it feel fresh. Check out Shadow and Bone if you get the chance. Sound of the summer.

8. Newest Fictional Crush?

You would think it would be Nikolai Lantsov since I just finished reading Siege and Storm and he seems to be the fan favorite... but nah, not yet. He’s fun, but he doesn’t hit me in that way (Though very sexy of him to just casually proposition Alina and Mal for a royal polycule, a la Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot; would love an AU where they accept his offer). However, I would let Zoya murder me. Every time Zoya is not in a scene I am asking “Where’s Zoya?” Also shout out to Alina, just because I would treat her better than all the men in her life! 

9. Newest Favorite Character?

Gonna try to do this without spoiling too much, but Laura Chase in The Blind Assassin really resonated with me. Her personality reminds me a lot of myself, especially as an an autistic person, like the way she has her own way of thinking that makes perfect sense to her, but makes other people see her as odd and naive. I love how she’s set up in-universe as this Sylvia Plath-esque tragic heroine, with Iris spending the rest of the book interrogating and deconstructing, and in a way, reconstructing this image of her. Atwood you’re insane for this. I forgive you for the Helen thing now.

10. Book That Made You Cry?

I never got as far as crying, but the part in The Goldfinch where [spoilers incoming] the art heist goes wrong and Theo is alone in the hotel room and he’s spiraling and considering suicide and finally dreams of his mom… all that was too much for me and I had to put the book down for the night. This guy just can’t catch a fucking break.

11. Book That Made You Happy?

fucidjdjdj I didn’t read any happy books this year. Shadow and Bone and Siege and Storm because I read them really fast unlike my usual months-long reading schedule.

12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw?

Predictably, Shadow and Bone. I basically bought and read the book less than a week before the show came out because I thought it looked interesting and wanted in on the hype (mostly because Jessie is cute 🥰). Honestly, the show improves a lot on the first book; the multiple storylines make it more dynamic and complex, the actors really help to make the characters feel more fleshed out, and Alina and Inej interacted for like three scenes, introducing an unexpected but thematically rich ship.

13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year?

14. Most Beautiful Book You’ve Bought So Far This Year?

I impulse-bought this book of Romantic poetry at Barnes and Noble just because it was pretty and I had a gift card

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End Of The Year?

Besides finishing The Grisha Trilogy/Six of Crows duology/Zoya’s duology that I forgot the name of….I don’t know. I’m not a reader that plans in advance. I acquire books, finish whatever I’m currently reading, look through my stacks deciding what to read next, spend an hour doing so because I can’t decide if I’m in the mood for any of them, and either force myself to read one or buy/borrow a new one.

I’m tagging @betweenironyandsilver, @illuminaticns, @borispavlikovskys, @chdarling, @sctine, @mightyaubs, @excuseforadrink, and @trckstergods, if you wanna! Or anyone who wants to yell about books.

[6knotty6thotty6]

So a couple of months ago, I saw a YouTube video that was an audio recording of season 5, episode 6 of Bojack Horseman, “Free Churro.” In the episode, the main character, Bojack Horseman, spends 20 minutes giving a eulogy at his mother’s funeral. There’s one big problem though, his mother was an abusive bitch. His eulogy is him trying to contemplate what she meant by her drying words, “I see you,” and whether or not she loved him. As someone who has a dead parent who was abusive, this is probably my favorite episode of any show ever for how much it helped me understand my feelings. The comments section is filled with people sharing their pain with their abusive families, but one comment stood out to me above all the others by how raw and relatable it was. This comment was by a YouTuber named Moonstruck. At the bottom of this post is a link to her channel. Please support her. After reading this, she deserves a million subscribers. Also please watch Bojack Horseman. (I corrected some of the grammatical errors to make it easier to read)

Disclaimer: Child abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health:

Moonstruck: 

This is a great monologue, but one part of it, in particular, really caught my attention was the 'grand gesture' bit.

When I was a kid, I read this book called "Chicken Soup for the Soul." There's a shitload of them. I don't remember which particular one it was. I hated the whole series because it's just someone profiting off a bunch of other people's stories rather than trying to write their own, in my opinion. 

Anyway.

This one story that I remember, the ONLY one I remembered,  was sent in by a little girl. She wrote about how her father never told her that he loved her. He never once, in her whole life, said the words "I love you." I don't remember her mom being mentioned, maybe she was dead; it doesn't matter. The point is her dad was basically an emotionless asshole. Well, one day, this girl gets sick. Really sick. Possibly on her deathbed sick. She wrote that one day she woke up to find a necklace sitting on her nightstand that had a pendant that looked like her dog. She said she held it to her heart and cried because that necklace said all the things her father never had.

I thought, "What a load of bullshit."

A cheap trinket doesn't make up for years and years of emotional neglect. Anyone can buy a thing and toss it your way. Hell, he didn't even hand it to her himself, just left it there for her to find if/when she woke up, then left her alone again to possibly die.

A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words, in cases like political protests and shit. While that's true, scenarios that this that girl are different. Gifts can never replace the words, "I love you."

When I was a kid, my father never told me he loved me. My mother didn't either, but she's a whole other kettle of fish. I would say 'my biological mother or father,' but I never got adopted ones, so who gives a shit. Anyway. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he just spent the entire time fighting with my mother and leaving again. He would do and say anything that could get him to spend less time in the house with her. With us. I can't blame him. If I could've left during those times, I would have. I tried more than once. I even earned the nickname 'runaway' from a family friend because of it. 

I was told that I was worthless as early as I could understand words. I don't know what it is about me that set my mother off, but she HATED me. I was always told how expensive I was to keep alive and how I wasn't worth it. If I dared ask for anything, she would remind me how much she spent just to keep me from starving to death and that it was too much already. On the rare occasion I was given something, it was so she could use it as a threat. She was like, "Sure, you can have that toy horse since we got your sister a real one, but you better behave or we'll give it to her and let her break it." Or "Oh, fine, we can keep this dog as a FAMILY pet (NOT YOURS), but if you do something we don't like, we'll take it away and kill it." 

Oh, yeah. I have a sister. She’s cut from the same cloth as our mother. I don't consider any of them family anymore. She was two years older than me. She was the "we should have stopped while we were ahead" kid. Anything she wanted, she got. 

"Mom, can I have an award-winning horse and expensive dressage lessons?"

"Sure!"

"Mom, can I have a car?"

"No problem!"

"Mom, can you pay for my ballet lessons?"

"Absolutely!"

She was the golden child. The one that could do no wrong and wasn't a mistake. Even after she totaled her car, got arrested for an underage DUI, and got pregnant three times in high school, she was still the good one. I never even asked to go to school dances, parties, or go out with the one friend I had. My sister liked to see me in pain. She'd tell our mom that I did things just to get me in trouble. Whether it involved blaming me for things she did or fabricating stuff, she'd say whatever it took to get my mother to beat me while she watched and laughed. Oh, yeah, our mom was BIG on physical punishment. I've been whipped with everything from a riding crop, a wooden paddle, spoons, and especially belts. Anything that was close at hand when my mother got irritated, I've been hit with it. 

At one point, my sister had three tall, beautiful show-worthy horses. I was allowed to keep a sickly old pony for all of a week before she was taken away, then I'd get called ungrateful for asking why we had to get rid of HER instead of one of the horses. Even though my mother said it cost too much to keep them all. With horses being obviously too rich for my blood, I asked for something cheaper, and for once, I got it. I was given a baby goat that one of our neighbors' goats had abandoned for being too weak, and they didn't have time to raise. I loved that goat. I bottle raised him, and named him Ben. He was my best friend for a while. When he grew up, he got so big that I was able to stand on his back to grab tree branches and pull them down so he could eat the leaves. I walked him on a leash like a dog every day. I loved him so much. My mother had me enter him in a show, and we won ninth place! I was thrilled to have something to show against my sister's collection of dressage show ribbons. I finally had proof that I could do something right! Sure, the prize money was taken away from me, but I still had Ben.

But Ben didn't come home with me after the show. It turns out he was sold to a slaughterhouse because that show was for meat goats. I didn't know until he was already gone. Of course, my mother punished me for being upset and even forced me to write a thank-you card to the people who bought his meat. 

My mother was always like that. Anything I loved was used as a threat. I eventually accepted that loving anything was a waste of time. I learned to detach myself from my feelings, and I got really good at it. I can completely turn off my emotional reaction to anything. One time I had to put down one of the egg-laying hens at work that got too sick to save, and I felt nothing while bringing down the ax. When I lost out on a job that could have changed my life, I told myself how stupid it was to hope for anything good. Any positive emotion I felt got me punished, so I learned to feel nothing at all. To this day, I still have trouble feeling things, even when I want to. I'm taking pills now, and they help, sometimes. 

I've had several suicide attempts. I keep a box of razor blades in my desk just to have them close. I got a tattoo of a heart with rainbows on my wrist. Partially for LGBT solidarity, but mostly to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. I still struggle with wonder if I actually believe it or not. 

I've tried so hard to be a good kid. I never partied, never drank, never smoked even when the chances were there, and I would have greatly loved anything to make the pain stop or even just dull it a little bit. I was in the gifted and talented program at school and was able to graduate at fifteen. For a while, I was sent to a children's home where I was passed around to many people I didn't know, including a clown who I may or may not have actually been related to, until I eventually wound up out here where I am now. It's all pretty hazy, and the details get scrambled. 

It's been 10 years since I've had contact with my mother and sister. I can't even keep in touch with the one friend I had, even after I lived with her. She's tried to reach out to me, but I just… can't. I try, but I can't. Sometimes, I can almost pretend that my past wasn't real. It's just a hazy fog that isn't really there. I want to believe that if I don't allow something, or someone, who was part of that past, someone tangible and real, into my life again, then the fog will go away. This is why I can't do it. I know I'm a terrible friend. Ariel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You're better off without me in your life anyway. 

I typed all of this out because sometimes, about fifty dollars or so shows up in my PayPal from my father's email address. I don't know if it's from him or from her using his email, but it doesn't matter either way. The point is I know my mother is the one sending the money.

I know my mother likes to think she's a good person. She went to church every Sunday, and probably still does. She organized a lot of church events and participated in every church function. I had to be an altar server for several years until I aged out of it and was in the choir. She kept going to that church even after the priest got drunk, called me many horrible names in front of everyone, and was revealed to be a pedophile that raped a little boy at gunpoint. She probably still goes to that same church and organizes things. She likes being in charge. She likes having people look at her and say, "That there is a good person."

But are you, though, Mom? Are you really a good person? Were you a good person when you hit me? When you lied to me? When you laughed with my sister about how much I got hurt for things I didn't do? Were you a good person every time you told me you'd kill my cat or leave my dog at the pound? Were you a good person when you sold Ben to be eaten, knowing that I loved him? Were you a good person when you made me read "A child called It" and told me that you'd start doing the things in that book to me if I didn't behave? Were you a good person every time you told my father I was a liar whenever I tried to tell him what you were doing to me? Were you a good person when you told me I wasn't worth the cost of being alive? Were you? 

Fuck you, Mom! Keep your fucking money! A necklace on the nightstand isn't enough. A trinket can't heal years and years and years of abuse and hurt. You can't hide these scars under dollar bills. I hope you die alone. I know I probably will, but I don't even care anymore. I lost the ability to care thanks to you. You can't make up for the things you did and the things you didn't say now. Too little, too late!