#i proud of myself bc i didn't use references for either

[solifelessblog]

Someone say mermay 👀 dadrius mermay!!!

Please reblog, don’t repost :)

[vexingwoman]

Uh not actually here to hate but to say thanks???? Ive been thinking alot on my self expression and trying to figure out how to word it, and seeing some of your comments with other people really helped to put in perspective what I was trying to come to terms with. Ive always struggled with my gender but acknowledge fully that I'm biologically female. (Stay with me here till the end please i know lol) I genuinely dont care what pronouns I'm called either and none have ever felt right if I'm honest and nothing I've read or tried has been adding up for me over the years to help me feel any better.

Kinda realizing over the past year or so that I just have this deep ingrained idea from being surrounded constantly my whole life in a woman hating environment that I just have a *really* heavily masked hatred for what general society treats women as and was trying to remove myself from it hoping itd somehow save me from the terrible shit we all go through daily. And it just made me feel even more alienated doing that to myself. Its been a long time of coming around to this and I know how it sounds but I dont wanna consider any of my time wasted. I dont remember what it was but something you said to someone in a long ass comment fight clicked for me and rn I'm sleep deprived and wont even remember what it was in the morning either but I feel like some kind of weight has been eased off me. Im doing my best to unlearn the sexist misogynistic bs ive had shoved down my throat my whole life that made me think being a woman was something to be shameful of and better off without.

Its been hard trying to look into this radfem community and find someone who didn't immediately just insult and exclude ppl that werent already on the ball agreeing. Basically I appreciate your ranting with strangers. Amd indulging some of their curiousity as clearly as you can+defining everything you say constantly so I dont get lost in a whirlwind of hard to understand metaphors. Idk you get it. Something clicked and i dont feel ashamed for the time gone bc I know it was heavily influenced by the oppression of all things normal-human-womanly around me. I hate that we're all so tied into these stereotypes. Its painfully hard to unlearn. Thanks for the help. Have a fat block of text as thanks cause I'm not sure how to sound as genuine as I feel rn. Have a nice day and an even better tomorrow. Im gonna get some sleep now💀(stayed up WAY too late painting lol) bye!

This is so wonderful to hear. I know how dreadful it is doing serious introspection and making yourself aware of how deeply and unconsciously your internalized sexism runs. I’ve been there, and I know it’s even more difficult to deconstruct the subtle sexist attitudes which have been ingrained into to us since birth. Often it seems as hopeless as chasing smoke, because some of our internalized sexism is so deep that it’s invisible, and worse, inarticulable.

Some women will never think on these subjects beyond their surface level—will never dissect their preferences, will never concede that their choices are influenced by sex-based socialization, will never seriously reflect on why they are so desperate to identify out of womanhood. And in a strange way, I sympathize with these women, because I understand that it’s easier to shut your eyes and convince yourself that you were born in the wrong body than it is to open your eyes and acknowledge how much sexism has seeped into and corrupted our own minds.

Basically, I’m proud of you for putting yourself through the pain of deconstructing your own internalized sexism. You are better for even attempting it, and I hope you continue to do so.

P.S. I know exactly which long-ass comment fight you’re referring to, because I only put myself through that once. At least someone benefited from the literal month I spent arguing with that stranger. They blocked me, so unfortunately I can’t even go back and analyze the conversation if I ever wanted to. I would love to know what you took away from it, if you ever do remember.

[phantom-does-a-thing]

for the ask game: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30 :)

ok bestie

How many words have you written this year? 537,776

How many works did you publish this year? 143

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)? maybe "It wont be the same when my favorite person leaves" but idk... I worked REALLY hard on that fic and it was really cathartic to see an idea that I have been plagued with for months finally come to fruition in a way that I really enjoyed I think. The first version of that fic I wrote was really discouraging because I really hated it but I like the version I posted. Also "Death, suits you dear sir" that one was just really enjoyable to write and I enjoyed the process of it. I think I would've wanted it to be a little scarier but I like the tone I put and I like how I wrote it. I can say I'm proud of that one. Lastly "I can't escape my shadow" is very near and dear to my heart, it's reminiscent of my old writing and It was really fun to write more horror for the first time in however long.

What work of yours has the most hits? "I want a nice soft place to land I want to lie down forever" which makes sense since its one of my owl house fanfics and thats a pretty popular fandom. But it also really surprises me that it's my most popular fic this year bc like... I really hated that fic when I wrote it like, I had the idea in my head and it didn't come out the way I wanted it to at all. The words fought me and I was SO unhappy with it and I still reckon I could do it better. But it's my most popular fic this year I guess.

What work of yours got more feedback than you expected? Ok so there might be a lot of recent fics bc like I wrote a lot this year but honestly? "Words I don't say" I did not expect a lot of feedback and it was a little bit of a shot in the dark being the first fic I wrote for that campaign. I think I'm noticing a pattern of the ones that I am insecure about are usually received the best

Favorite title you used "Icarus and melted wax" you know how much I love Icarus references

If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most? I think I literally just threw out the sheets of paper I used to collect this data when I cleaned my room a bit ago. Crap. I think it was either Alec Benjamin or Tamino

Pairing you wrote the most for this year? Oh thats a good question oh god how do I find this out easily without having to collect the data myself. Probably Albatrio bc I think I have the most riptide fics. Wait I think I figured it out if this is accurate data its a tie between Jay and Gillion or or Chip and Jay

Favorite pairing you wrote for this year? Dakota and William I think (or PolyPD)

What work was the quickest to write? Oh god I think I have several like 2k fics I wrote in like an hour I absolutely am NOT going to remember which ones. Uh probably "You're my brother and I love you that's the truth" I wrote and posted that one in school. I don't know when I wrote it during the day but it took like an hour...

What work took you the longest to write? The unfinished halloween fic anyway probably "A glimpse in time" it's my longest fic this year and I'm pretty sure it took me a REALLY long time tbh.

How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year? heavy sigh. I doubt it's going to be that many because that implies that it's something I intend to finish and not something I gave up writing. Probably only one that I intend on finishing but if I count ideas that I still want to elaborate on: 3

What’s your longest work of the year? A glimpse of time linked above, that fic possessed me so hard I do not even understand how. I wrote like 6k exposition for it.

What’s your shortest work of the year? OH that's actually a really good question I never actually like... thought about. "sandstorms" at 1,430 words. I always forget I wrote legend of zelda fic, one of those i need to revise and fix bc the tense makes me so unreasinably mad

What WIP are you taking into next year with you? weeping sobbing shaking crying I don't wanna talk about it I don't wanna talk about the halloween fic I'm crying and shaking and sobbing. Oh also the two unfinished fluff prompt asks that I do still intend on writing.

What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag? Probably "I wrote this instead of sleeping" only 92 of my 411 fics are NOT tagged with that, Phantom does NOT get sleep actually. In second place is "fluff"

Your favorite character to write this year?A William wisp <33333333333 but Vyn is fun to write too bc I make him a creature.

you didnt put 18 so im not answering that one lol

What’s one pairing you want to explore next year? Kian Rolan and Rand I need to write more with them I NEED to write more bitb fics lest it drives me insane.

Which work of yours have you reread the most? Good question, I honestly usually reread like the most recent stuff I post, I always reread my fics in the morning after I post them to look at them with new eyes and see how I feel about them then. This one is gonna be a list hold on "I'm a wreck when I'm without you" "The birds who sing in the dead of night" "Until you're in my arms again" I have no idea what others, that's getting a bit older in my fic sooo, I don't usually go that far down.

How many kudos in total did you get this year? 16,395

Which work has the most comments? "I want a nice soft place to land I want to lie down forever" Linked above

Did you do any collaborative works this year? uh no? Is that working w ith another person to write a fic, I assume that's what it is and no. Other than the fact that I bounce ideas or plan a good bit of my fics now with you sami

Did you write any gifts this year? No but I may or may not have been supposed to and have not written that yet. This year will be me writing my first gift I feel it.

Did you receive any gifts this year? Two!!! "Struck by lightning" by Nyxthedragon25 and "Lost dog" by Periperson both absolutely lovely fics and everyone should go read them absolutely

What’s your most common category? Hold on what are the categories... oh I don't use those anymore so I can't answer something with that. I very rarely use slash tags I am absolutely not comfortable enough to use those tags.

What do you listen to while writing? Instrumental music or classical music probably.

Favorite work you wrote this year? I have literally no idea tbh but I really like "Here's a health to the company" that one's just a really nice fic, I might add a bonus to it sometimes this year where I add ashe into it which is what I originally wanted to do when I wrote it but I didn't know anything about Ashe enough to be able to write him. But like I had and have an idea of what I could do for him in that 5+1 situation.

Favorite line/passage you wrote this year? "The words should have been a weight lifted off her shoulders. It should have been relieving to get it off her chest, to tell the big secret that she had been holding close to her heart for so long.

That’s what she had been told. That it was a relief to finally tell the truth.

Whoever said that was a liar through and through."

From "I cry hard because I have died, and you're alive" I'm actually surprised I wrote that in 2022... just barely but it I thought for sure it was gonna be 2021 anyway that line has always stuck out to me I think. There are probably better lines and stuff I've written recently but that one just sticks out to me, I think it's really cool.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year? I think just mostly all the fics I managed to write, all the support I've had and I think the friends that I have made. It's really just... shocking to me that people enjoy my fics, a lot of people comment about seeing me upload in their inbox implying that they have notifications on for me and that's just... really wild to me. I can't really comprehend the support and the love people have for my writing, it feels unreal I think. I don't understand it at all haha, I'm just here writing silly things and people actually like it.

I think also my biggest surprise is my growth and how much Jrwi put me in a chokehold haha I didn't expect to write this much this year and I think I'm really happy with where I am with my writing. This year has been amazing and I'm so proud of myself for everything I've done and I'm so glad to have met a ton of amazing people in this fandom and to actually interact and join the community in whatever way I can.

Side note: I'm actually really proud of myself for actually like trying to put myself out there a little more. I hate making fandom posts because it makes me really nervous, but I think that I've gotten over that fear and I've tried to interact more with some people. I've made some great friends and some great mutuals and I'm really happy with that. It's been an amazing year so thank you all.

[notaboynotagirljustalilbaby]

Im.. not quite nonverbal rn, but it feels like talking just isn't an option? I've felt like this since I woke up and I HAVE spoken to the cat and to my mom, and I drove to the [public transit] station just fine but with the voice thing and feeling a bit floaty and being... not quite small last night, but kind of nearish it at points(?) last night.. idk.

Just feel weird, and I regressed after a bad dream on Sunday and my regression tends to be.. clustered? In a sense? Like I'm more likely to regress if I have recently.

---

I was texting my friend, [i can't find a tag for him but I've referred to him as 'penpal friend' before so ig I'll use that and edit/update later if i find that hes labeled as something else on here], when I regressed on Sunday and we set up a code a few months ago to let him know if I was small/smallish because cursing makes me really uncomfortable when I'm small (makes me feel bad-vulnurable, unsafe, just overall yucky), but I literally could not care less about it when I'm big abs regularly curse myself. All that to say that I sent the code (code bc saying it can be hard sometimes and also it doesn't have to be part of the conversation, I just.. need it to shape the conversation a bit, yk?) and he acknowledged the code and we kept chatting.. and then he cursed in one of his messages and I was feeling a bit bigger by then but it still felt a bit 'wrong' and he didn't know I was getting bigger so if nothing else.. the principle of it felt a bit like a betrayal, in a sense?

I brought it up to him the next day when I was firmly adult and brainstormed some ways to hopefully stop it from happening again. And he apologized and hadn't even realized he'd done it (partially bc he was sick at the time) - and I knew he wouldn't have done it on purpose and probably hadn't realized (but that doesn't mean I should let a boundary get crossed without bringing it up once I'm able)... and part of all of this was me realizing that we had a way of communicating when I'm small but nothing to say when I was big again. So now the single emoji I was using to indicate being regressed (🐤) has officially expanded to a spectrum, with any of these 🥚🐣🐥🐤 meaning I'm small or close to it (specific, detailed meanings haven't been assigned to each, but the eggs are basically me going 'hey I'm real teeny rn' and the chicks are a more general little/ish).. and probably most importantly, 🐓 to indicate once I'm confidently big again.

I haven't had cause to use any of them, but I considered it last night when I was feeling pretty close to small - except I realized that we weren't even texting right then, and it's not like the goal is to tell him every time I feel little, the goal is so he knows -when we ARE talking- that he's talking to a kid!

And I think it's important for me to remember that, especially when I am little. It's one thing if I'm little AND decide I want to talk to him, but there's no reason to tell him I'm small just cause. It's important I remember that he's not my caregiver, just a friend who is willing to accommodate me when I'm vulnerable.

---

Also, while I'm here, I don't know if I mentioned it, but I finally told my therapist I regress! That happened.. probably 2 months ago or something, now? But it's a big step for me because I've never told a therapist before.. or really anyone who I wasn't really close to.* I've been seeing this therapist for awhile now (over a year), but we only meet every 3-4 weeks, so it doesn't always feel like it. Anyway, he was chill about it, and asked what age.. and I was embarrassed so I told him like, young toddler, I think? 2 or 3, probably, idr exactly. Which, it's not untrue, but I definitely get firmly 'baby' fairly often when I regress. Probably more often than toddler/young kid. Maybe I'll open up about it more at some point (it hasn't come up in a session since), but either way, I'm proud of myself for taking that first step!

*with maybe a few exceptions? Like, I wasn't necessarily super duper close with Roommates R and Red when they were told, but I was close with Roommate D and they were all close at the time and Roommate D knew it'd be safe to tell them bc they both regressed too... idr now what order who found out about who, or if I ever knew, but there was trust there, still.

Also I wouldn't have told Roommates B, C, and D as early as I did, if at all, if Roommate D hadn't asked me directly. I probably would've told Roommate B, at least, eventually though - especially when we decided to keep living together for a second (and later, third) year.

[cakesexuality]

Okay, so, healthcare update!!

Isn't entirely "estrogen is slapping" material but I'm using that tag anyway!!

I gave an update 2 days ago (Monday) for 8 months Lupron, 1 month add-back where I said the receptionist was gonna get back to me about who my anesthesiologist was

I called again yesterday (Tuesday) and found out I hadn't been referred to any specific anesthesiologist but rather to the pool of anesthesia doctors at the hospital and the hospital would pick a doctor for me rather than getting one my gynecologist had in mind (which, I've had this experience with psychiatrists before where I get referred to the department as a whole and the hospital assigns a doctor to me, as opposed to my GP writing a referral for one specific psychiatrist, so it made sense)

I got the call today (Wednesday) from the pre-admission clinic saying that they have a spot for me to do my anesthesia consult!! I'm going to the hospital in a couple weeks for the consult and hopefully they deem it safe for me to have a laparoscopy!!

I talked to my dietitian today about my ED and as well as about my Lupron

She's going to reach out to the first ED program I was referred to bc she's confused as to why they said the things they said (like weeding out the foods that make me sick before I'm allowed to start treatment) and she's concerned about them acting like I'm a one-off unusual case bc she says she has multiple other clients who have eating issues that come from the same place that mine do (looking for control in relation to a chronic illness), plus I signed a consent form for the hospital to contact my dietitian (who asked me to let the hospital know she wanted to be in contact with them when she found out I was referred back in February) and she never heard from them

Since I didn't start add-back until 7 months on Lupron and you're not supposed to be on Lupron longer than 6 months without add-back, we talked a bit about my bone density and I'm already taking a vitamin D supplement, so she wants me to spend a bit of time tracking how much calcium I eat in a span of about 3 days in order to decide if I need a calcium supplement too, and she said that if doing the math myself is too triggering then I can just take pictures of the nutrition facts to email to her instead

Literally one of the goals she assigned me is to order delivery!! She was happy to hear about a couple months ago when I kept getting overwhelmed with options while ordering food online one evening but pushed through and got myself a lil pizza treat and I was proud of myself for doing that, so she wants me to try that again and to challenge myself like that more often

Another goal she gave me is to have frozen meals in the freezer to help cut down on decision-making for times where I can't push through the overwhelm I might feel around having to create a meal

I also got a call this week from a 2nd ED program who had an assessment appointment for me for June, but then the receptionist realised I'm not able to get to their clinic in-person, so she's going to double-check with the intake worker to make sure there weren't mistakes about who they serve and to find out if I can do it either from home or from an OTN room in town here

ALSO today, I got a call from the hospital where I had a psych appointment go wrong a couple weeks ago where I spoke to the patient relations person as well as the head of Mental Health

The head of Mental Health tried to say that the doctor didn't want to give me a depot bc I have MDD and they're for people who have a hard time staying on oral meds but like... I have more than MDD, we don't know what exactly but clearly something else is there if I'm having psychosis outside of depressive episodes... and yes I am taking my oral meds but it's a fucking STRUGGLE to do so on too many nights (like, taking until as late as 2:30am sometimes to be able to convince myself and then my sleep schedule is all off from delaying my Seroquel for so long) and it just so happens that my AP is usually the most difficult one to get myself to take

And then I asked what the psychiatrist's receptionist meant about telling my diagnosis to a drug manufacturer and the head of Mental Health said that that's not a thing and there would be no reason to disclose that to a manufacturer and that the receptionist was making stuff up

I'm gonna be talking to my CMHA worker tomorrow and we're gonna work together on a letter describing my psychotic symptoms to give to my doctors to help them understand what I'm going through bc of the fact that my psychosis doesn't fit the way other people are telling me it is (like whether it's exclusive to my depressive episodes or how long each psychotic episode lasts) and I feel like I didn't explain it very well to my GP when I saw her last week bc I wasn't prepared to have that conversation and there were a lot of symptoms I couldn't immediately think of off the top of my head

[septembersghost]

you don't have to answer this if it's triggery but thinking about how easily we could've lost Taylor either bc she decided to retreat forever or worse things, how likely do you think it is she'll address that or even mention suicide on this album?

i think it's highly likely, to the point where we should be prepared for it. i'm not sure how directly she'll get into it, but it's something she's been alluding to since reputation, there are small glimpses of it on lover and she mentioned it in interviews, and then of course, death is a continuous theme on folklore/evermore. as much as those albums may be draped in metaphor and stories, many of the songs are also very personal and very much about her and her experiences, but even two years ago, i don't think she was ready to put that out there in quite as vulnerable a way. it was easier to dress in a little bit of fiction - i think so much about this is me trying, since i've been in the, "i didn't know if you'd care if i came back, i have a lot of regrets about that" moments myself. "pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed my fears all the way down" is her way of exposing the depth of that despair there, and it recurs, specifically on hoax, "stood on the cliffside, screaming 'give me a reason.'" i've always agreed with the thought that "my sleepless night" refers to one particularly dark and specific moment, and hoax being an enigma and about several different situations was her safe outlet of addressing it there. it feels very possible to me that that sleepless night will be one of the upcoming tracks.

i've been remembering things she said and shared in 2019. it's been exactly six years today since this journal entry:

and here are a couple of quotes that have stuck with me from lover press/speeches:

there have been things she's referenced obliquely, and others i suspect she didn't feel ready to share with us at all until now. just the admission that she felt that and struggled with those dark thoughts felt huge to me every time, be it in interviews or lyrics, and it feels like a testament to her resilience that now she's feeling brave enough to go back over those events and create art about them. (and i don't think the whole album will be sad, of course! she mentioned joy and dreams along with sorrow and nightmares). there's a real sense of desperation in the album prologue, but also clarity and catharsis and intimacy.

what's remarkable to me is the journey that's gotten her here ("hell was the journey, but it brought me heaven"). she's been through so much, extreme ups and terrible downs, and the past few years alone have had tumult for her, including professional losses that were a blow, but she's managed to spin that into gold and reclamation. from the description, i don't know that this album would even exist without the process of the re-recordings. i think folklore and evermore were hugely restorative to her, despite the difficult circumstances for her and for the world as a whole that led to their creation. and honestly it seems like she's never been healthier and happier, and that in itself is why she can go back to such vulnerable places now. you can't confront certain things when you're in them. you can't talk about certain griefs when you're too directly immersed in them, when you're too fragile. she's worked so hard to heal and to get to this place, and i'm proud of her for it. step into the daylight, and sometimes the warmth and growth of that rising sun gives you the courage to blossom and to look back on the many midnights.

[coinofstone]

5x03 The Death Song of Uther Pendragon

Arthur went out to collect firewood while Merlin watched over the dying lady 🥺

They saved a woman from being burned at the stake for sorcery and she repays them with a super powerful magic artifact

"He's always like this at the anniversary of his coronation."

"I thought it was a cause for celebration?"

"It is, but it's also the anniversary of Uther's death."

I would like to refer everyone back to my 4x03 post where I point out that Uther was stabbed on Arthur's birthday, which is also the anniversary of his mother's death. Uther would've died a day or two later. So within the span of let's say, half a week, Arthur's got his birthday, his mother's death anniversary, his father's death anniversary, and his coronation. He needs a hug. It's gotta be the hardest week of the year for him, every year. Speaking from personal experience, I know I wouldn't be anywhere near as upright as Arthur is, for all his thousand yard staring.

It's a very nice sarcophagus but what is going on with Uther's left leg?

No srsly wut is this

Is it reeeeally swollen? Did he break his ankle in the fight or perhaps when he fell?

Ok I'll stop being mean

The ONE time Merlin knocks

You think this was a sex thing? I think it might've been a sex thing.

Spirit!Uther, while traumatizing in his own right, still isn't as frightening as actual King Uther could be.

Oooof I have Things To Say™️ about this. The reason Arthur chooses to use the horn, to use magic, is because, "there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of the thing I wish I'd said to him." But when he gets to speak to Uther, he doesn't actually get to say very much at all, because Uther immediately begins criticizing everything he's done as king. Arthur doesn't get what he sought at all, instead of an opportunity to tell his father any of the things he wished to say, he gets spoken to, harshly criticized. It's a major blow. And he says as much, when the single man tear spills over and he says "this can't be the last time I ever see you" - yes the line is foreshadowing Uther's haunting of Camelot but it's also signaling that Arthur's been traumatized; he went from having had his father mortally wounded in saving Arthur's own life, to having seen his father 3+ years into Arthur's rule as King of Camelot, and point blank being told Uther is disappointed in him. Not proud of him - actively un-proud. We don't really know what exactly Arthur wanted, if he'd hoped his father would've seen all the good his way of ruling had done and praised him, but I think it's pretty safe to assume that was on the wish list.

Be careful what you wish for indeed.

I AMUSE MYSELF. (I spent two hours figuring out how to create this please appreciate me)

Merlin's angry face when Arthur tells goin what Uther said is literally all of us.

I feel terrible for this but when Percival is leaving Gaius' chambers and he stops to look at the wall-torch, I immediately flash backed to Alice Troughton on commentary in S4 saying "Percival's a bit of a wuss isn't he?"

This is also awful but this episode kind of makes me miss the castle-centric contained episodes of S1

Never any guards around when you're being attacked by the ghost of your husband's dead dad, typical.

I understand Merlin bringing Guinevere to Gaius but putting her in Merlin's bed??????

The way Bradley and Colin both convincingly jumped when they turned around and found Gaius had snuck up right behind them kills me every time.

"Poetry". What he means to say there is, 'why didn't you just tell him we were fucking, since that would actually sound less gay'

So. Merlin took the ghost visibility potion but he can't see Utter knocking over barrels and shelves and things to trap in that store room.

Also why is there a pigeon in a windowless store room? Now I'm wondering why there aren't more birds randomly flying into the citadel, cuz they do have quite a lot of open windows... you'd think that might happen now and again.

Mmmmmmmm

Hmmmmmmm

Ooooof I love a bamf husband coming through to deal with a shit-for-brains abusive father... ghost.

^^actual canon scene

Was Tony shot entirely on green for this? That unearthly blue glow even in close ups where he doesn't look like he's on a green scene makes me wonder.

The 'horseplay' scene at the end was so full of sexual tension and d/s undertones that I literally do not want to say anything lest tumblr flag this post for content.

Commentary is Angel and Rupert. The two regulars who were in the least number of scenes in this ep. Since this post is already crazy long I'll keep this brief.

Aaaaand it's the first time either of them have seen this episode 😂 wow.

They've made 'horn' jokes and Rupert's gone full on tongue in cheek dad jokes.

They are also cracking jokes on Colin being all jacked up for S5 compared to previously when he was so skinny hehe... personally I ain't mad at him 😂

Fifteen minutes into the episode and Leon makes his first appearance

The little bottles and decor things in Gaius' chambers are part of a static set so they pretty much just sit there... Angel says that some of the contents have started to go moldy and they found maggots in one of them 🤢

They're talking about Gwen's new hair and while Angel is being really diplomatic, I get the impression she's as annoyed as I am by it. It literally doesn't match her own hair at all. But she also said some people saw her without the piece on and just said 'omg you cut your hair' so I guess 🤷‍♀️

The scene where Gwen is knocked out by a vase smashing her head - Angel says she was hit with the heavier bottom piece of it, which hurt more than she was expecting, and she wound up with a bump on her head from it.

Not a word about Colin picking up Angel 😢

They're talking about childhood pets and a beverage called lilt? Anyway Angel is really clever and Rupert's corny af but he's funny and I love them both.

Oh this is interesting: Rupert says he and the director talked about having Leon walking through the corridor hand in hand with the cook when he stumbles upon Merlin and Arthur's 'poetry lesson', but they weren't allowed to do that bc it would've been just a little bit too much, or a little too tongue in cheek. Which I'm taking to mean, would've accentuated the subtext of 'poetry' too much.

Angel and Rupert didn't know how they got Uther all glowy either, though Angel said it was probably lighting

Rupert says the line where Utter got caught off, what he was gonna say was "Merlin has ... been to the gym!" 😂😂😂😂😂

They really are great together doing these things

Rupert's story was the horse he had been riding all season had a foal, and nobody even knew she'd been pregnant. They just came out one morning and saw she'd given birth, and he got a call to inform him. That's kind of sweet. I wonder if he sent them some apples or something.

[wedontcareaboutyourbinary]

I have been struggling lately bc I am nb and biosex female, and i am still pretty feminine and identify with some of the 'woman' category (??) (&use she pronouns out of convenience), so I felt like i wasn't truly nb and that unless I used 'woman aligned' i was somehow lying. I don't love the term and am not sure if I feel it, but I felt like I was doing it wrong if i didn't. I'm trying to read your blog and figure myself out.

You are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. Kind of the whole reason this blog exists is because there's a pressure on non-binary people, not just to use an alignment for themselves, but to make the statement, "how other people see me is more important and significant than how I see myself." And there's a pressure that if you do not make that statement, you are being dishonest, stealing from people who are more oppressed than you, claiming to be more oppressed than you are -- or conversely, that you're LESS oppressed than you really are! This statement can be phrased a lot of ways. Here's some examples that I've tried to phrase with the flaws readily apparent, but the sentiments are real things people say all the time: "I'm woman-aligned because I'm biologically female and can't escape that oppression." "You can be a wlw if you're partially neutrois, but not if you're partially a man (because being a man is more significant, meaningful and real than being neutrois)." "I present femininely, so I'm fine with being called she/her. (What else could I expect from people?)" "I don't call myself trans because I present as (or look like) my assigned gender and I don't want to claim that I'm as oppressed as real trans people (who must look different than their assigned gender)." "I'm assigned female and feminine so I can't ever reasonably expect people to see me as non-binary, so it makes sense to call myself woman-aligned." "I don't have male privilege, and I experience sexism. Sexism is just against women though -- so I call myself woman-aligned." On an individual level, how you feel about yourself is up to you, and if you've seen all the options and think woman-aligned makes the most sense, we support you fully. However, we as a blog exist because of anons like you who feel this pressure and are exploring a way out. That's why we are huge proponents of ideas like: - Presentation has nothing to do with your gender, and classing people by your perception of their presentation is wrong. - Alignment doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your gender, and classing other people via your personal definition of alignment is wrong. - Making people commit to an alignment in order to talk about oppression, privilege, queer identity, what spaces you're allowed to occupy, what words you're allowed to use etc is wrong. - Making peoples assigned gender have literally anything to do with what identities and communities they can be a part of is wrong. You can be AFAB, feminine, experience sexism and gendered oppression, and even have a gender that's related to womanhood or partially a woman, and STILL not be comfortable writing "woman-aligned" on top of your identity or classify yourself with women as a whole. You can be all those things and still want to talk about yourself as separate from binary women, and uncomfortable when people want to group you that way. How you look, what gender you were assigned at birth, and what your experience of your own gender is, no matter WHAT it is, NEVER mean that you're the same as binary people in ANY respect if you don't feel that way about yourself. You are ALWAYS allowed to assert your own identity, even if it's inconvenient or difficult for others or doesn't make sense with their binary politics. There is absolutely no requirement for being non-binary and being proud and insistent about that. Not how you dress, not what your body is like, not how "different" or "separate" your gender is from your assigned one, not what pronouns you use and DEFINITELY not how other people see you. The thing that makes you wholly, perfectly non-binary is seeing yourself as non-binary. If you want to talk more, either through the ask box on anon or on a one on one level, let us know and we'd be happy to hear more about where you're at! (Tiny tip: Most trans people don't use "biological sex" as a term because it's used by cis people to invalidate us; the more common term is "assigned gender", like "assigned female" in this case; referring to the gender you were assigned at birth. If biosex is the right word for you personally, go for it! Just know it's not the word many other trans people want used for themselves.)