#i put all of my worth and self esteem in the things im capable of doing but time and time again i prove to myself i cant do anything !!!!!!!

[guppybibi]

Ditzy Princess

𖦹 pairing: Iwaizumi Hajime x fem!reader

𖦹 word count: 2019

𖦹 content: mild cursing, childhood friends to lovers (eventually..) , denial, she fell first but he fell harder, reader is oikawa’s little sister, reader’s brain is a lil empty, but she's a strong woman nonetheless!!

𖦹notes: i have so many wips..but hajime my Filipino king AUGHH (im gaslighting myself shh)

✧. ┊    Part 1

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Being Oikawa Tooru’s little sister meant that you were equally as insufferable as him, debatably even more than him according to Iwaizumi. Iwa wouldn't go as far to say he disliked you, despite you being 2 years younger than Oikawa, the three of you still grew up together and developed a pretty strong bond. Oikawa had his moments, being the seemingly arrogant and egotistical person he is. Iwa was aware Tooru had some issues with his self esteem and was helping him in his own way. But in your case, nothing was backing you up. You really were just a crybaby diva, wailing as her big brother comes to save her. It really didn't start off so bad, after all you were a child who needed guidance and protection. He expected you to just grow out of it, news flash—you didn't.

Now that you're in your first year in Seijoh, he couldn't avoid you at all no matter how hard he tried. Being a headache must be in the genes, I guess. But you weren't worth putting up with, so he just started distancing himself away from you. Sure, sometimes you would barge into the gym, interrupting their practice to go to your doting brother. Which pissed him off, obviously. Though it was hard to tell since he always had a scowl on his face no matter the situation. Oh and by sometimes, he means every single day–unless you were absent or something.

Unfortunately for him, Oikawa wasn’t present today due to getting a nasty cold. Normally he’d make fun of Oikawa, along with the rest of the Seijoh four but he remembers that you’re present and that he would be your temporary savior while your brother is gone. It didn’t help that today in particular was a pretty stressful one, and as if the Gods above cursed him, a bunch of assholes picked on you for being the ‘uglier’ sibling. A bunch of envious little liars.

Naturally, it was your first instinct to go to annoy him. Your muffled cries could already be heard before you've even entered the gym, which made Hajime groan in annoyance as he muttered a random curse under his breath. And as if on cue, the metal door of the gym slides open; unveiling a very much messed up you.

Your mascara all smudged across your pretty face, fat tears staining it. Your subtly pink lips all wobbly as you make your way to Iwaizumi, knowing your brother wasn't here. At this point, this was basically a daily routine for the team, they didn't complain though. You coming in here and taking their captain and or ace meant they had an opportunity to take a break.

“ ‘Zumi! T-they were being so mean to me again, I didn't do anything wrong!” You cry out as you approach the ace with a pout on your face. ‘Pathetic..’ He thinks to himself, you were more than capable enough to defend yourself. (Verbally, at least. Physically is a different story.) “It's not my fault I don't look exactly like Oikawa! And I can't do anything about it, why pick on me for it?!” You continue, wiping away a tear from your glossy eyes.

Hajime couldn't even say anything in response, this wasn't the first time you came to him after someone bullied you for whatever reason. It was a sad thing to happen to you, but did you really have to go to him or your big brother every single time? What if they're not there for you? What will you do then? Still his good conscience couldn't just leave you sobbing like that, your doting brother wouldn't be happy about it.

Placing a rough calloused hand on your trembling shoulder, as an attempt to comfort you he starts speaking. “And what did you say to them after?” He asks, it was a completely normal question, you knew that. But you were used to just..constant coddling, no other questions asked–just instantly tending to you. “I..Nothing? I mean, maybe what they're saying is true..it still hurts though..” You reply, earning a nod from your older brother's friend. You had a point there, but you should still stick up for yourself! You had to learn, plus he didn't want to keep playing as your knight in shining armor when the two of you are pushing your thirties.

“Did you want to say something back to them?” He questions, raising a brow. You could be doing this for shits and giggles for all he knows, maybe this was a plan you and Oikawa had or something. “Well um, kind of?..” Even that answer somehow made sense, coming from a ditz like you–he didn't really expect much. “So can you or can you not defend yourself?” He asked yet again with a gruff voice, watching intently as he saw you shake your head. Okay, cool. You aren't doing this just to piss him off, that's a start.

“I could teach you, if you want to.” You blink once, twice. “Teach me how to..fight for myself?” You never considered it, you were just used to your big brother being there for you. No matter how serious or stupid it was, he’d be there in a flash. He nodded, crossing his arms as you thought about it. Your brother wouldn't always be here, today was proof of it. The same goes for Hajime, who knows where he's going after high school?

“I..think that’ll be nice actually.” And those were the words that started your tutoring sessions. You were incredibly nervous the first few times, like the personification of an earthquake. You did soon manage to get the hang of it, being able to defend yourself against your bullies unless it was really necessary for your brother and or him to step in.

To be honest, Oikawa was pretty opposed to the idea at first. Saying to his best friend that teaching her all of this ‘nonsense’ wasn't needed since he’ll always be there for her anyway. (What Oikawa didn't know is that Iwa was doing future him a favor, I mean–he didn't know he was going to Argentina!)

And so ‘Operation: Teach Y/N How to Defend Herself’ was successful. It had been like years ago at this point, barely remembered by you two like some distant memory. You didn't piss him off that much anymore, though he did have little to no contact with you; only getting updates through Oikawa.

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When he went to Irvine, California for personal matters he was aware of you being there as well since you went to visit and stayed at your grandparents. The chances of you two meeting were slim but fate had to play its part too! Now the both of you were sitting side by side, having a cup of ice cream as you catched up on your lives.

He told you about the meeting he just had with Takashi, some stuff about sports science and his personal life and whatnot. While you told him about life here in the States, being taken care of by your overbearing grandparents and stuff. You were a lot more mature than what Hajime had remembered, still a scatterbrain though. Though something comes up, leaving Hajime at some random bench while he taps away on his phone after you exchanged him your number. Saving it and putting in ‘Puny Princess’, it was stupid–he knew it was as he chuckled to himself.

No matter how fully grown you are, you’ll always be that spoiled little brat who seeks her dear knight in shining armor's protection.

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He was flying back to Japan soon, and he wanted nothing more but to cancel his flight and stay here–with you. Highschooler Iwaizumi would be laughing his ass off right now, any chance to get away from you was a blessing. He’d get on that plane like he's being chased by the police. He thought about it a lot, was it because you were less of a pain in the ass? Nope, that couldn't be the case because you still were. Sure, you didn't exactly need Prince Charming anymore which made you considerably much more bearable but it felt like there was something more to it. Why won’t life just tell him instead of forcing him to dig through a bunch of dirt in his mind?

Maybe he simply got used to being around you, to be fair–he’s been with you through thick and thin after all. Yup, that's what it was. No need to manually crank the gears in his brain anymore, this was totally it. Would he admit he had a teensy weensy little crush on you when you two were kids? God no, and that doesn't matter! I mean, that was like a decade ago–he doubts that mattered right now in any shape or form.

Well the first stage of grief was denial, he’ll work his way up. You, on the other hand, have fully accepted this stupid happy crush you got on Iwaizumi. Even your big brother knew about it, well you were pretty much an open book. Hey, your brother’s words–not mine. The way your cherubic cheeks would heat up when Hajime helped you up when you got yourself stuck in the mud, it was painstakingly obvious that you had liked him ever since.

You and your big brother had a heart to heart talk about back in middle school actually, it sits there playing constantly at the back of your mind.

It was midnight and Oikawa had come home late, you noticed he had been practicing overtime these days which worried you quite a bit but you knew Hajime was there to keep him grounded. So that's how the two of you ended up at 1AM, your brother silently eating his late cold dinner while you accompanied him.

“Did ‘Zumi practice late with you..?” You questioned, breaking the growing silence in the room. In response, he nodded and let out a dry chuckle. “Mhm, you haven't spoken a word since I got home and when you decide to speak it's about Iwa-chan? Do you not care about your dear big brother anymore?” He asks, dramatically feigning hurt as he places a hand on his chest.

He didn't miss how your lips went and formed a thin line, trying your best not to crack a smile. “Cmon, don't lie to your big brother–you like Iwa, don't you?” He teases, trying to get it out of you like he's sipping the very last drop out of the milk carton. “Maybe just a little..” You mumble, finding it just a little bit embarrassing that out of all the fish in the never ending sea, you manage to have feelings for your brother's best friend. “Hm..well I guess if you were to pick someone to marry I’d honestly prefer Iwa y’know?” You almost choke on your own spit upon hearing his words, blushing furiously. “E-eh?! Marry?! It's too early for that!” You exclaim, while your brother starts laughing like a hyena.

His words were very much true though, he trusted Iwa–so much so that if he had the chance to pick the person you’ll marry, he'd choose Hajime with no hesitation.

You roll around in your soft bed, unable to sleep as Iwaizumi’s face keeps flashing in your mind like a broken record. Wanting nothing more than to scream into your pillow, but your grandparents sleeping soundly in the other room prevented you from doing so. You wondered if you would ever go back to Japan, it seemed like your brother wouldn't after hearing him recently renounce his citizenship but it's not like you were going to follow in his footsteps. You've never felt this homesick before, stupid Iwaizumi–it's his fault for coming here unannounced. You thought your delicate heart moved on from this childish crush of yours after not seeing him in a couple of years, looks like it bounced back after meeting up with him again though..

Well, at least you had some form of communication with him after you gave him your number. That was temporarily enough for you.

[despairs-memorial]

🫖 yup. For anyone as usual lmao

Hatred and violence on planet earth.

Gundham

"Tch, the Singularity should know by now that there is no other I hold to higher regard, and yet he seems insistent on his own lack of self-worth! I blame the taunts of the Sacrificial Lamb, and I shall tear him asunder should he spout further sacrilege against the one closest to my soul... However... I will use every ounce of my unholy power to cure him of these foolish beliefs!"

(For the polycule) "The white mage's self-flagellation admittedly does grate on my nerves... One such as her has no need of such paltry apols... there are times when I doubt their validity from just how often they reach my ears..."

Kiyotaka

"While I understand his mindset due to his circumstances, I cannot abide by Suto-kun giving up on himself in such a manner! I believe that as long as he's alive he should be working as hard as possible to have something worth living for!"

"Komaeda-kun's insistence on the importance of talent is a constant annoyance to me! I will never understand why he believes in it with so much devotion, but I will somehow show him just how much the power of hard work and determination triumphs over natural talent!"

Mondo

"I ain't exactly the biggest fan 'f how Kiyo'll jus' stay up all the time 'n not take care 'f 'imself. Get that he's doin' his best to improve 'imself, but that shit ain't gonna help 'im out 'n the long run. Jus' gonna get 'imself hurt 'r sick 'r whatever..."

"Much as I hate the idea 'f seein' 'er distressed, Mikan really needs to stand up for 'erself! I ain't sayin' 'd like to see a situation where she's pushed 'nough to get mad, but... think somethin' like that 'd be good for 'er."

Sayaka

"Hm... she's kind of perfect in some ways, you know? But I'd say she really needs to learn to put herself first now and again. She's always putting everyone ahead of herself, and while it's admirable... I get worried that someone is going to take advantage of just how selfless she is."

Sonia

"Hm... I admittedly dislike at times how Gundham will hide how he feels about things behind his bravado. It is admirable how far he will go to be seen in the best light, but it is frustrating to all hell when it is something serious!"

"Perhaps this is rather rude, but at times, Hajime's cluelessness can leave me rather frustrated. There are some things I do not understand how he forgot, and I am left rather perplexed after."

"Mikan's low self-esteem does make me rather angry at times. It is less due to her herself and more what it implies people have said to her in the past. Were it in my power, I would have every single one of them punished for harming her in such a way, but alas, I lack the ability to do so without causing an international incident..."

"I know it is foolish to, but I am deeply worried at times about Mizumi's health. She is a capable woman, but I cannot help but be at some unease when thinking of her in danger."

[xerospaced]

So... maybe it's time to address the elephant in the room

My low self esteem.

My confidence was stripped away in every aspect and I have yet to regain it

Between my lack of productivity and nothing to show for myself

The requirements of others that I am so far from meeting

And my ma's consistent negative perception of me and energy toward me

I feel... completely worthless and devoid of value.

And ofc I tell myself otherwise and such.

And I do mantras and affirmations

And I look for the good in myself

But

I dunno

I cant see one shred of evidence to support the concept that I'm worth something

There is one exception. I'm useful.

I'm incredibly useful.

Call me and I'm there.

Make a request and I'll fulfil it.

Ask something of me. Even if I find it difficult. I'll see to it that it gets done.

For those I care about.

I am available. I am the person you turn to. I am the voice of reason. The source of sound advice. I am a positive energy. A calming presence. A bringer of peace. And the person who encourages you to honour yourself above all else.

I am very useful.

I am a tool.

Literally

But when it's just me. Not fulfilling some use just... existing

I'm taking up space.

A drain on resources.

A useless entity waiting to be put to use.

I don't see myself anymore.

I'm so familiar with depression and anxiety and self hate. And I've come so far from that.

I'd made it to joy and love and appreciation!

But so accustomed to the darkness that being in this space...

I didn't notice that it's actually... Not good.

I'd have the odd self criticising thought and then I would correct it and go about my day

And ive felt lacklustre. And I've had very little pride. And more and more I find myself wanting to avoid talking about me.

But im not depressed. And I don't hate myself and I AM correcting those thoughts. And my comments on myself do always end on a positive note.

A forced positive?

An empty one?

A shell of the thing I am telling myself. The thing I used to be but no longer am.

I do not feel good about myself.

And being that I'm not treating myself poorly. And that I'm am still approaching myself with kindness and patience. I've been ignorant to the fact that I don't feel good about myself. I don't see any significant good in myself.

By which I mean, yes, I see and acknowledge the good. But it's minimal. Its nothing compared to what I'm not. What I'm lacking. What I'm supposed to be. What I'm capable of.

I'm basically just a "nice" person. With some good words.

I have a kind heart sure sure

But what of it?

What makes me meaningful?

What am I really but a fleeting fancy? Enjoyment for the moment?

Because when I really look at me. When anyone looks at me. There's just not much to see.

I endured far more critical damage than I had realised

I've been impacted far more deeply than I'd considered up til now.

I knew I'd been wounded deeply but I thought I was in tact.

I'm not

I feel like a wound. Barely bandaged. Oozing. Never quite healing.

And completely unattended.

[whoreishghost]

i really am despairing and just hopeless in a way that i genuinely dont think ive been before and its rlly fucking with me. like, by all acounts, i am More supported than i have been before, and thats almost part of the problem? i feel ungrateful for feeling So Bad. i don't do Anything, i dont attend uni, i dont write my essays, i dont have a job, i dont clean my flat, i dont rlly cook a lot. of the things that Have to happen so we can continue to live in this flat, or i can continue to access medical services so my life doesnt get worse: those things are often put off way past the last minute and i need a lot of support to do at all. also, rn my life is mostly just calling A Service TM, getting a bullshit response, complaining, calling again, finally getting through to someone who knows whats going on, complaining, rinse repeat. ITS EXHAUSTING! not only that but sitting every day in bed or at my desk refreshing tumblr or staring at my screen saver thinking to myself 'what am i going to do?' and coming to the conclusion of nothing because i have nothing to do, i enjoy nothing, i want nothing, i cant concentrate long enough on anything or process information well enough to do things Anyway. ykw its not even true i dont Want to do anything. i do. i Want to write my essays, on some level i am genuinely interested in the topics. i just Cant. i want to read. i've been pretty keen on reading complaint by sarah ahmed for a while now or maybe rereading whipping girl or even giving notes on suicide another go? but i cant make myself start because i Know that i wont get far and its so fucking depressing. im getting so high, the come down is genuinely distressing because of how scrambled and disorganised my brain becomes and i become so afraid i will be like that forever. and yet i do it EVERY DAY! im struggling extremely badly with some interpersonal shit that has completely destroyed any self esteem or confidence i had in my appearance and my worth. add onto that that i am a massive Massive financial drain and even if i wasnt our finances are just.. Bad? so i was like, ok, fssw time again, that wont be too bad, i can do that. and then i fucking set up by whore phone and downloaded the grindr apk (and it was fucking horrible and evil to do and i hate that evil horrible useless phone) (also did u know u need to send in id for age verification on google now? 101 internet safety says to not do that are u crazy?) and started getting dms and i wanted to cry i got so overwhelmed. like idk if i can do it, but like.. i kinda gotta? idk man. im trying to see things positively? like, i got the form for the work capability assessment and spent all of yesterday photocopying medical letters which detail diagnoses and assessments and reference hospitilisations, etc but also the dwp are evil so who knows if its enough? im trying to get my pip reevaluated but they havent even sent me the Form for that yet? so again! who! knows! i feel like im in beurocracy hell and i cant leave? my uni are trying to work with me, but multuple medical professionals have told me to interrupt or drop out and like if people who are meant to be like have something in your life to keep you going dont think i can do it, what chance do i have of Actually doing it? i dont know what to do anymore.

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

I posted 3,906 times in 2022

That's 3,804 more posts than 2021!

495 posts created (13%)

3,411 posts reblogged (87%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@the44th

@honeytuesday

@c0smicartisan

@purplemanatees

@crippled-dad

I tagged 3,821 of my posts in 2022

Only 2% of my posts had no tags

#i need a tag for my own rambles - 316 posts

#cats - 210 posts

#queer stuff - 123 posts

#silly - 122 posts

#homestuck - 122 posts

#this - 105 posts

#trans stuff - 104 posts

#art - 96 posts

#ofmd - 88 posts

#actually autistic - 83 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#malibu: :d i love u too hoomin! i am sitting on big 🐻 rn and they are so warm!!! i love them so much!!! can u come back soon and play w me

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

shamelessly stolen meme (im toad)

256 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

#4

so much love for people with verbal stims, echolalia, who repeat sounds or make their own, who are mumbling or singing or making noises to themselves all the time when they feel safe,

<3<3<3<3 giving all of u a forehead kiss

481 notes - Posted March 4, 2022

#3

desperately feeling for every little autistic queer kid in school rn. school fucking sucked for me, big time, and I've been out of school for 11 years now and part of me wants to ignore that schools are still a thing for many people.

you are strong and capable and gorgeous. your stims are good and cute actually! you are allowed to be open about yourself and it'll make some things easier but it'll make other things harder and you're also perfectly allowed to keep parts of you a secret if that keeps you safe for now. but most importantly, please remember that this awful time in your life will pass, even though it feels like it's forever right now. one day soon you'll look back and wonder why you were ever so scared. you'll grow into such a lovely wonderful person. in fact you already are and don't you forget it. your future holds happiness and peace. i love you.

519 notes - Posted May 7, 2022

#2

the diet cult is a solution to a nonexistent problem.

which is great, capitalism loves a solution without a problem. Or rather, selling you a solution to a problem they tell you you absolutely have.

so they make everyone believe that losing weight is super desirable for some reason.

it can only really be accomplished by disordered eating and/or exercise habits. (there have been so many studies showing that long term weight loss is not possible for most people, unless they develop disordered eating or exercise habits.)

the problem? people get hungry cus their bodies need food!

the solution? try this pill, that shake, such-and-such supplement. join this group with like minded diet cultists people who want to lose weight! you have to pay a membership fee and it'll try to dictate every bite you put in your mouth and sell you special recipes and ingredients and build an entire economy based on your low self-esteem, cus society tells you anything above stick-thin is too fat.

it's a cult aimed at controlling your entire life, where you shop, what you buy, what you eat. it's super good at it?? to the point where like. the majority of women in western countries seem to be falling for it?? (can't speak for other places but i imagine it's big elsewhere too)

to the point where many fat people believe they don't have worth unless they lose weight,

and many thin people believe that the worst thing that could happen to them is to gain weight,

when in reality, weight is morally neutral. being fat protects you from some diseases, actually. socio-economic status is a better predictor of health than weight. etc. etc.

fat ppl and fat liberation activists have been talking about this for so fucking long. i really don't know what it will take to get people to listen.

769 notes - Posted August 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

"sexuality and gender are different things"

and

"a lot of trans people conceptualise their sexuality through their gender or vice versa and for many of us the two are inextricably linked"

are both true statements, the only reason why you see more of the first and less of the second is because cis people are pathologically unable to understand nuance in this area. in this essay i wi-

4,445 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[depresseddepot]

y'know i used to joke about having bad luck but it's not funny when it gets more and more common

[szivoszal]

started university this autumn and ive been busy with that, so i havent really been making big art things. here's a masterpost of movement figure studies, mostly but not all made out of pure thirst (stray kids, enhypen, nct 127 and some ssireum wrestling sketches)

this is enough and substantial on its own, though. keeping on trying new stuff and making strides in things im familiar with; for now that's campus sketches, dynamic movement sketches, trying out charcoal for the first time, stuff that doesnt require a ton of time and focus, just a bit for fun. (i havent been using color lately again bc it needs more focus...or maybe a different focus than what im capable of rn?) even if its not a serious progress in new mediums/techniques/thoughts/etc, its still worth it.

for a long time now ive wanted to put extra meaning into my drawings and works! but then it just doesnt fit my hand, i always end up focusing on the pure visuals of things, which has a spirituality on its own and its valid, but yeah... odilon redon has been fascinating me, for example. i wanna tap into something too, in my own way. though it doesnt matter what i think i want, bc intuition and affection always leads me in a direction i havent planned/thought of, partly bc inspiration has to have a freshness to really strike (have to do a thing Now or never bc the idea expires), and partly just cuz its the type of thing that gets worse and harder the more u try to control it.

im thinking that direct symbolism and meaning needs more effort/control from my part (for me personally, where im at rn), and although i dont hate the results, its not intuitive and doesnt feel great to make. so im waiting for when my intuition will be curious enough about it to make the effort. maybe now is the time. or maybe ill continue doing studies of stuff. i like observing. observing and studying without added commentary or judgement is very valuable.

another thing ive been thinking abt is the switch from studying in hs to being in tech art school to studying in uni. i cant do artsy stuff full time now (again), but also i dont Have to do artsy stuff full time and thats great actually. the universe didnt intend for me to go to art school and it was right, art uni doesnt sound fun now.

cuz i dont think art is really able to flourish in a space where so much pressure is put on it, when ur self esteem and so many things are dependent on ur output... or at least its not ideal. Or at least not for me. it seems to me that practicing anything is about a balance of structure (like a schedule to follow), pleasant effort (enough to feel youve done something but not straining), natural ease & fun. i tend to be anxious and a tryhard (too sensitive to structure and expectations), or have been for a long time, so the fun and ease aspect has been the main thing i needed for drawing and making things. i cant imagine making good things without a sense of ease.

going to uni for a different thing is also great bc the world gets so much wider... i enjoy spending time with getting to know stuff! ive gotten used to only talking about art, but its not just about art. it was that way when i was rly insecure and my self esteem depended on my drawing output. theres so much more to life and that much more is where art gets its zest from. that much more might be what ive been missing out on if ive concentrated too much of myself on art before. distancing oneself from art can be a good thing for connecting with oneself and the world, in that way.

in any case, i think im doing good. i enjoy doing this. this is the ease. should go study for my exams now lol

[mbti-notes]

Im ISTP dude and I like this INFJ girl. Shes my friend but I like her more than that. I told her already and asked her out. She didn't reject me but thing is her answer is vague as hell. First she asked why I like her and I told her honestly that shes pretty and smart but she didnt react more than a nod. Then when I ask if she wanna be my girlfriend she said 'okay but can it be a trial period first'. I assumed its a yes so we started going out but its very weird. (1)

[con’t: It gets even more difficult to understand her and shes start asking me questions about my perspective on love and start warning me about her loving differently than other people and I might not like it and stuff like that. She also seems to be assessing me somehow? I dont know. Like shes trying to judge something about me. I dont think shes playing me or anything cause we always do things fair. She insists we split the bills on everything when we go out and she never demand anything so thats cool. We also spend time together like before. Its just very weird cause she seems more guarded around me and more jumpy and colder than usual even though shes still nice to me and all. Is this normal for INFJs? Maybe she doesnt actually like me? But then why did she agree? I mean we have same interests and we seem to have fun together so I dont understand whats wrong. Should I continue this or just go back to being friends? I like her a lot but I dont wanna waste time on relationship that goes nowhere.]

Note that you can’t improve the quality of a relationship until both people are equally committed to the task. Relationships flourish through skillful communication:

1) Self-Awareness: Be fully aware of your needs, wants, and criteria for relationships. Take full responsibility for your end, so that you do everything in your power to promote relationship success, and then the rest is up to her. It’s important that you are able to communicate clearly and honestly about what’s happening with you, including what you think is going wrong for you and why. If you can’t even make your needs and problems known to your partner, then you’ll never really know each other well enough to get any needs met.

You have not succeeded in this step because you’re putting the whole situation onto her shoulders, as though you have no say in the matter. Whether you stay or leave is your decision to make, based on your evaluation of the relationship and whether it’s what you really want. If a relationship makes you unhappy/dissatisfied, why stay? You’re the one feeling the problem, which means that it’s up to you to instigate a process of resolution. 

People usually stick it out through the down times in a relationship because they have a hopeful vision of what the relationship could become. You have a hopeful vision because you’re talking about how the current situation isn’t meeting your expectations. But what are your expectations? You say that you have fun together, why isn’t that enough? What’s missing for you exactly? Without enough awareness of yourself and being able to verbalize the problem that you’re experiencing, it’s hard to find a solution.

2) Intimacy: A relationship grows deeper over time through honest, attentive, and respectful communication. Talk about what you like, dislike, desire, hope for, etc, with each other, often. Gradually, you both become a better partner as you learn how to adjust your behavior to better suit the other’s needs. The process of becoming more intimately acquainted requires time and energy to learn new things and apply the ideas successfully. You have to be patient and put in the effort to have difficult conversations whenever necessary to grow your knowledge and understanding of each other.

You have not succeeded in this step because you’re making assumptions rather than communicating. You’re merely guessing that she’s trying to do this or that, and you end up whipping yourself into paranoia. “Assuming”, aka trying to be a mindreader, is very destructive to relationships because it causes misunderstanding. Relationships require trust, so take people at their word, and when you can’t, talk about why you can’t and solve the problem through communication. Don’t stew in negative feelings and allow them to turn into ugly conspiracy theories.

By saying that she wants a trial period, she’s basically telling you that she’s interested but not ready for a full commitment. If you’re not happy with her position, then you have a choice to make: Either respect that her pace is slower than yours and be patient, or decide that you want something faster/different and leave for greener pastures. She’s already been honest and upfront with you, the ball is now in your court about whether you accept the terms she’s proposed. If you accept, then FULLY accept.

By asking plenty of questions about your perspective, she is making an effort to get to know you better, specifically, to understand why you want to be in the relationship and whether you two are ultimately compatible. You hardly know each other at the start of a relationship, so she is indeed trying to size you up, such that she can make a well-informed decision once the trial period ends. If you don’t like people getting to know you in depth, then you’re never going to get far in any relationship. She obviously is the kind of person that needs to prepare and study situations carefully before diving in. If you don’t like that, then you are free to choose someone who doesn’t require as much preparation and observation time (this is a common J vs P difference).

3) Collaboration: Whenever either party feels unhappy or dissatisfied with something in the relationship, it is their responsibility to bring it up with the partner. When your partner brings a problem to you, it is your responsibility to listen carefully to what it is they need from you. Only then can you resolve problems maturely, together. If it is determined that your partner is capable of better meeting your needs, then make a reasonable request of them to do so. Talk openly about what should be changed in the relationship to make it more fulfilling for both parties, and implement a plan to make those changes. Keep tabs on progress made over time.

You have not succeeded in this step because you’re not being upfront about your negative experience of the relationship and what more you need from it. This means that you’re not giving her the opportunity to collaborate with you. If you don’t talk about how you feel, she’ll never know, and the change that you want won’t happen.

By talking about the way that she “loves differently”, she’s communicating something about her needs and expectations. She’s giving you an opportunity to know her better, such that you can collaborate with her to fulfill her needs. If she’s inexperienced, she may not yet know every little thing that she’s looking for in a relationship. But the most important thing is that she’s trying to communicate about it, which means it’s up to you to listen and respond appropriately. If you have no interest in getting to know her and what kind of partner she’s looking for, then there’s no reciprocity in the relationship. Are you only in it for yourself?

By asking you why you like her, she may be signalling some self-esteem issues (”I don’t know if I can do this”) and/or self-worth issues (”Maybe I don’t deserve this attention/love”). Healthy Fs are sensitive people, which means that they feel things very deeply. The deeper they feel, the more deeply they will be hurt, if things don’t work out. Therefore, it is likely that she is hesitant to dive in because she’s trying to stay in control and protect herself from getting hurt (this is typical of FJs). Forcing someone to leave their comfort zone before they are ready to is a recipe for drama and conflict. The most you can do is encourage her to open up, by providing an emotionally supportive, cooperative, and non-judgmental atmosphere to express how she really feels. Without a positive social atmosphere, FJs won’t open up. She’s moving at a pace that’s comfortable for her, which includes pulling back whenever she feels uncomfortable. Be sure to clarify whether it’s her own issue or whether you’re doing something to make her uncomfortable - don’t just assume. If you don’t like her “guarded” approach, then you are free to choose someone who is more open and carefree (you are navigating a common J vs P difference).

If you like someone a lot, it means that you’re willing to put in effort for them? You have every right to decide how much effort you’re willing to put in. The relationship is still in its early stages and you won’t lose much by ending it now. However, don’t forget that there’s a lot you can do to be better at relationships, mainly by addressing any behavior that hurts rather than helps relationships to progress.

[nintyninthstreet]

Tips on feeling better after a heartbreak? btw in love with your tumblr page🖤

Hey :) oddly, I’m kind of like in a similar situation right now and tbh I don’t have the right answer to it but i was giving it a thought recently and I concluded that the heartbreak pain always narrows down to a self esteem situation. When you know for a fact how much you are worth and how amazing and extraordinary you are, you are clear that it is not your obligation, under any circumstance, to help someone see it. You deserve better. In fact, you must be with someone who is never willing -or even considering- to put himself in a position to let you go. There is no excuses to this. Do not justify a man that wasn’t able to admire how pretty, smart, caring, compassionate, hardworking and how hard-to-find you are (I personally work a lot on myself to be all of these, I’m sure you are even cooler). Do not victimize the person you where always there for and was not capable of appreciating it. And do not take responsibility on your ex not caring enough about your relationship, as he should have done without having to think it twice. The right person for you would never do this. I dont know your story, in my case I don’t hate him or anything but these things must be crystal clear to you. So next time you feel bad, please remind yourself all of these. Put them into perspective. Let them be your motto for the rest of your life. No exceptions. And of course, im not saying you should feel that you wasted your time or that you invested too much effort into a relationship that appears to not have worked out, whether this effort was reciprocal or not. The best way to live life is to give it all and expect nothing in return. If you loved him well and you showed you cared, that’s all that corresponds to you. You learn, you grow and you get better. So when it comes to you- believe me-you have nothing to loose.

[fairycosmos]

I can’t talk to the people in my life about this and I’m stressed out. I got back together with my ex who cheated on me, and we’re keeping it a secret for a couple months until they can get out of their current toxic relationship. We want to move in together this year and I’m terrified. Feels like things are going fast and the only person I want to talk to about it is my mom. I’m scared though, and I promised my s/o that I wouldn’t tell anyone rn. Ahhhhhh 😓

ummm hm :( dude the thing about going back to toxic people/situations is that you're basically setting yourself up to

be stressed out, to be never at peace. it is just one thing after another with those types of individuals. you left your ex for a reason, right? im absolutely not here to judge your choices but this seems so unhealthy all around, it's worrying. the fact that they don't even want you to tell your mum? seems as though they're trying to isolate you. and how they were comfortable cheating on both you and their current partner? proves, point blank, that they're not ready for commitment NOR are they deserving of it. think back to how it felt the first time they fucked you over, and how strong you had to be (how strong you are, on your own) in order to get through it. are u really regressing back to before all that? look. i know it's unbelievably hard. and yeah, it's all so much simpler said than done. so i guess i just want to remind you that you have a say, that your feelings count. and that you are fully capable of fighting for yourself, finding happiness for yourself. honestly it doesn't sound like YOU want to move in with them, considering how scared you are. and that is absolutely understandable - they've given you no reason to trust them, and it does sound awfully fast which is yet another red flag :( love, the thing is, you can go round and round in circles about how much you care for them, how much you want it to work etc and it still won't make them respect the relationship. because they're fundamentally flawed and refusing to learn from it. their words and actions are directly reflective of their character and some part of u knows it, that's why you're afraid.....you have every right to slow things down if you want to, to put your foot down and say what you think. if this causes an argument or any sort of tension, they're an asshole who genuinely doesn't deserve you, who will never be able to sustain a mature enough mentality to nurture a healthy bond. ok? they're showing you who they are. you can't control them, you can only control what you allow in your life. no one else is going to make that designation for you. you have to be able to say when enough is enough for your own mental health. you will survive and thrive regardless of where this relationship goes (though i know that's hard to believe rn) but it's harder to move beyond years of mistreatment than it is to look out for yourself in the first place. i completely get that dating when you have low self esteem is extremely difficult and weird, but you've seen these repetitive patterns - you know this doesn't feel right. take that information and build off of it. if you don't want to move in with them - DON'T!! if you don't want to be someone's secret - DON'T BE!! this is your existence. you're a bright, engaging person and anyone would be lucky to know you. you have an inherent worth. anyone who doesn't treat you like all that you are, especially when they're supposed to be your partner, is nothing more than a fruitless endeavour. like talking to a brick wall. i really hope you're able to at least begin communicating your needs and relying on your support system again :( please take care of yourself, make yourself a priority, even if you have to force it. and know i'll be here if u need to talk. you're not alone. 💌

[koronicles]

Hey - 1022

Hi Banana head,

this is the only way I feel comfortable addressing you right now, it feels weird to say or type out your name.

recently, I took a trip down memory lane and looked back at our conversations. I mainly wanted to reflect on our times together and revisit those memories because I found that i was developing very selective memories of our relationship.

when we first broke up, i felt... relieved? like a weight was finally lifted off my chest and that i could breath again. I guess nearing the end, i just felt suffocated? at the time i thought it was by you, but now, it might be by me.

i felt that way because i kept on replaying the bad parts of our relationship, the insecurities, the rage, and the fights. it was too much. perhaps i was a little too insensitive or apathetic towards anyone else’s feelings but mine. i didn’t want a share of your emotional burden. and honestly, that was really selfish of me. for the most part of university after we broke up, i fixated on that negativity. perhaps partially to justify to myself why i wanted to end things and to reassure myself that i didn’t make a mistake. and for a good while, i stayed single believing that it was good for me because i could now fully focus on myself. & it was true, i did. i didn’t lie. it wasn’t because i didn’t like you or love you anymore, if anything, i probably still love you. we broke up because i wanted to be selfish and only care about myself. i don’t think i was happy with who i was and i didn’t like myself (#loveyourself) i think at that time i really needed that to figure things out and find out who i am and what i am capable of. perhaps that was too much time to figure things out and built up too much of my esteem? (probably why i feel so shitty now?)

for some reason i always thought i was the more mature one in our relationship, that i was the less emotional one, the more level headed one. but after reading just 5 minutes worth of text, i wanted to punch myself. i have no idea how and why you put up with my annoying ass and bratty attitude. all i can say is that you must have really loved? liked? me??!?

seriously, i was demanding, inconsiderate, and petty half the time. and im sorry. im truly sorry. im also thankful for you. i guess you were a source of my self-confidence and you also gave me the experience of love.

you are my first love and will always be someone special to me that i hold close to my heart. you will always have a special place in my heart and i will always have a soft spot for you. i loved you so so so so much and i hope you knew that.

anyways, tldr, thanks hunnybunny, love you long time

[comicteaparty]

December 27th, 2018 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on December 27th, 2018, from 5PM - 7PM PST.  The chat focused on Inhibit by Eve Greenwood / evegwood.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Inhibit by Eve Greenwood / evegwood~! (http://www.inhibitcomic.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

there are many great scenes, but i am particularly fond of victor in the parking garage. specifically, i enjoy the unfolding of events once masha joins the party. i love the fact that victor freezes up and just flat out doesnt know what to do. not only does this fit with his character, but i actually think its refreshing for a protagonist with powers to still just be a regular person deep down who does not have the required training to deal with that sort of situation. not to mention i love seeing paulina's powers in action

spire

Agreed! The garage is one of my favorites too. I love how Paulina is breaking rules left and right- not just laws (lol) but all the concepts that have been established so far about how powers are supposed to work. I really want to figure out what's going on(edited)

RebelVampire

or is she breaking laws? as in the powers. obviously shes breaking the other sorts of laws like dont set ppls property on fire. but i will save theories on the powers for a bit later. i do enjoy that she throws a wrench already into what's established. tho i felt bad for victor that nobody is listening to him.

another scene ive been enjoying is the current flashback where victor is a bouncy child. mostly because i love how excited about everything victor is. like wanting explosions just cause its cool. and i think its just this real contrast that builds tension for the narrative since youre like "victor man what happened O_O"

spire

No one listened to him then and no one listens to him now. I would love it if someone took him seriously for once

I would also love it it someone let him REST

RebelVampire

yeah my heart really hurts for him. because ive been in that position of sitting there constantly trying to tell someone something and then being ignored.

although i really think ppl need to learn moderation in regards to their expectations for victor most of all

cause it seems like ppl either 1) expect nothing from victor and think hes a loser or 2) pull a nate and expect victor to auto be this extremely capable person despite not having trained for anything in years

Superjustinbros

*jumps in

Hello~!

RebelVampire

hey super!

Superjustinbros

Hey Rebel!

Pleased to be here~

spire

Hello~

Superjustinbros

And hello to you too, Spire!

RebelVampire

another scene that i enjoy was when julia, david, and victor snuck back in to the building to eavesdrop. on a technical level i liked the writing for it because it was a scene that moved the plot along but also served to show off the relationship dynamics that exist between those specific characters. so as a narrative construct everything in that scene felt like it had purpose to one end or the other.

Superjustinbros

I just want to say, the faces in this comic are incredible.

http://www.inhibitcomic.com/comics/2658763/chapter-5-pg-11/ Especially this one on the bottom right

And then they play bloody Laser Tag

RebelVampire

yeah the faces on the kid are really some fantastic exaggerations

Superjustinbros

Oh yes

RebelVampire

but suits them cause theyre kids

Superjustinbros

There's lots of fun to be had with giving characters over the top faces.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. Victor has been shown to be a drastically different person than he was in his youth. What is the past incident that several characters bring up that apparently resulted in a trial and inevitably got Victor kicked out of Urquhart? What does it have to do with Masha, and do you think Julia was involved somehow considering she’s also at Earl Estate? Is it the reason Nate and Victor’s relationship soured as well? Do you believe the incident is what changed Victor so much, or is it several aspects of his life? Do you think any of this has something to do with why Victor has failed to improve at Earl Estate? Also, why do you believe Victor’s inhibitors are now failing him so badly? Lastly, do you believe his missions with Nate will have an effect on Victor’s personality? How so?

Superjustinbros

tfw it's already time to answer question 2

I'll stop posting these to the chat now

RebelVampire

well considering adult victor has some issue controlling his powers when hes emotional, im gonna assume something of that nature happened. potentially maybe to that bully who keeps picking on young masha. cause i feel like victor is gonna stand up to them or attempt to and get mad and then accidentally severely injure them or something. idk about julia being involved

tho looking back it looks like she has all her fingers as a child

Superjustinbros

That seems like a very good interpretation.

Considering he does shoot out electricity at impractical times, at least from what I've seen(edited)

RebelVampire

as for nate and victor's relationship souring, i think theres more at work than just this incident. i kind of get the impression that nate just kind of likes taking things out on victor even when everything has nothing to do with victor. but i think basically all this crap combined to shake victor's confidence and that's a large reason hes not improving. cause he just has no reason to be confident anymore.

spire

I think Vic's self worth has been raised into a precarious position thanks to being a gifted (in this case- super powered) child, and with how much his spark-outs are emphasized through the whole comic, something terrible must have happened with a spark and that lack of control was touted against him, which makes it near impossible to repair his self esteem

RebelVampire

yes definitely all that. cause i feel by and large that victor has just given up on himself. which tbf i dont blame him cause literally nobody is doing anything to help really. like theres not a truly positive influence. although to nate's credit i guess he's trying? just ya know, in a super bad way

spire

Lol yeah. That's a good way to put it

Nate is helping but in the worst way. Vic needs some genuine, earnest support

As for Julia, I suspect she gave herself frostbite? Noor is very strict about Julia forming ice around her limbs, and she must have been moved to Earl for a similar outburst of her own powers

RebelVampire

tbh i think julia has more control of her powers. from the impression i get anyway. i kind of think julia is just reckless and doesnt think her actions through. though i mean might of been an outburst too. i could really go either way. and maybe its both.

though frostbite is way more tame than what i was thinking happened XD

i was picturing more encasing an ice and then shattering said ice

frostbite sounds more reasonable and less horrific

spire

Omg

Julia just thought one day that it would be cool to be a snowman

She didn't consider the fact that she can't move. Once she becomes the snow man ️

RebelVampire

that sounds like something shed do. even now cause i dont feel shes anymore responsible than she was as a kid

which ya know narratively speaking is kind of a good contrast with victor in a way

spire

Yeah

RebelVampire

cause victor has no control of his powers but has a sort of reserved control of himself. whereas julia has control of her powers but is an explosion of bad decisions waiting to happen

spire

I love that about them. Despite Julia's recklessness I think it's good for Vic to not be sitting alone in his room 24/7

RebelVampire

idk i agree and disagree. its good for him to get out and socialize, but im not sure the ppl around him are well-suited to kind of give him teh space he needs.

tho tbf im not sure the estate is the healithiest place in general

it kind of feels like prison

QUESTION 3. Victor’s life changes a lot when he’s forced to join Nate’s team. Why do you think Nate is so vehement about having Victor as a temporary member on his team? Is he honestly just trying to help Victor, or is there is some other hidden reason? What did you think the way the retrievals were handled says about the world and its view on Variants? How might the first mission change Victor’s perspective on Variants and how they’re treated (if at all)? How will it affect how Victor deals with other team missions and/or the course of the story? Lastly, do you believe that Victor will be able to makes amends and bond with the team, or will he continue to be chastised and treated somewhat lesser?

spire

The way that variants are trained at places like Urq and Miller to almost solely police their own community is disturbing. Vic wants no part of it and it's perfectly understandable

Variants are monitored so closely through their whole lives. it's invasive.

RebelVampire

yeah. and i mean...theres a degree i want to be understanding. i would not want untrained variants just walking around causing accidents and such. cause theyve shown that their powers can be damaging not just to others but themselves and also all the property around them. so i can understand that variants kind of need a special thing going on for everyone's protection

but man do those places feel like prison

like when you cant even let someone's mom see their kid off

thats a bad sign

spire

In that kind of environment a variant is pressured to do whatever they can to appear trustworthy. Even if Nate is trying to help Vic out I think he's ultimately trying to make himself look better by helping Vic succeed

RebelVampire

that could be although i feel theres easier ways then making under the table secret deals. tho tbh i think theres a mix going on here. like i think nate does want to help victor and wants to see him succeed. but i also feel like nate isnt altruistic either. more like he wants to help victor cause he feels like victor is his one failure that he cant leave to continue to be a failure just for the sake of his own pride.

Superjustinbros

“I think he's ultimately trying to make himself look better by helping Vic succeed”

This thought caught my eyes

RebelVampire

although it could also be that nate sees something of himself reflected in victor. cause nate did freak out when masha wasnt just flat out listening to his captain's orders. and i kind of feel that reflects his own feelings of being unsure of himself

Superjustinbros

Perhaps

RebelVampire

but i kind of wonder if theres an issue of dormancy at play in all this? cause if nate feels like he's losing his powers and position soon, that could be a prime motivator in whatever he feels hes got to do

like hes running out of his chance to do that one super awesome thing that immortalizes him in history

spire

Ooooooooo that's a very interesting thought

Reminiscent of thinkin you need to be ultra successful by the time you're 30

I hadn't thought of nates motivation that way before :0

RebelVampire

yeah and this is kind of an extreme case of needing to be successful by 30. cause in this case its kind of true in a way. since im sure if youre a variant the powers are kind of part of who you are. but by 30 you lose that and essentially have to redefine who you are as a person. and i think thats more true with the way their system is set up since their glorified prisons are so life encompassing.

spire

Yeah. That's got to be terrifying, knowing your whole identity is going to disappear one day, one day SOON

RebelVampire

yes. or so were led to believe. cause tbf i got sinister vibes from that scene with the doctor checking young victor for dormancy. so maybe all we know is a lie and dormancy is not a natural process but something forced upon variants.

spire

OOOOOOOOHH

Terrifying if tru

Superjustinbros

Yeah that scene creeped me out a bit

and it just came out of nowhere

RebelVampire

cause i agree with young victor. why are you checking a kid for dormancy if you know the typical ages for dormancy

and i feel that line is there for a reason

spire

I wonder if he's still wondering that now, 9 years later?

And I hope he is

RebelVampire

maybe hell remember it

Superjustinbros

Exactly, Rebel. (about the dormacy part)(edited)

RebelVampire

cause to tie in the 2nd part of that question, i def think victor is on the path to see the injustice in how variants are treated

those facial expressions in the van were already on the extreme i feel sorry for these people side

QUESTION 4. Inadvertently, Victor becomes involved with a dangerous arsonist named Paulina. What do you think Paulina’s powers are? Is she a pyro as many believe, or is there something funky going on with her powers like Victor believes? Why do you believe Paulina attacked Miller, and why do you think she’s so desperately looking for Chalice? Where do you think Paulina even came from given she isn’t declaring any facility as her origin? Why, of all people, do you think Paulina went to Victor specifically for help? Given Victor gets Julia involved, how might the residents of Earl Estate affect Victor helping Paulina or not? In general, do you believe Victor will help Paulina or not, and how will this choice affect the rest of the story?

Superjustinbros

I'm going to say maybe she has multiple powers versus most of the other characters that only have one

spire

That's what I was thinking too

Superjustinbros

I mean she really is mysterious, since her profile is still //||?⁄⁄/⁄\ | on the site

RebelVampire

idk. i mean its certainly possible. but im also willing to think that she has one power that doesnt fit any of the predefined powers the world established. so like shes a new variant type. or that she knows how to use her pyro powers in a way that nobody thought possible

but multiple powers is still possible

im just more willing to error on the side of it still fitting in with established laws and we just dont get the full picture yet

Superjustinbros

maybe like dark/gravity powers, or some power that's otherwise considered taboo?

spire

I think ultimately Vic's going to be looking for some truth and working with Pauli will appear? To get him some answers

Superjustinbros

Considering het background is nothing like the others

And yeah, maybe that ends up happening

http://inhibit.smackjeeves.com/files/what.png I mean can anyone translate this(edited)

RebelVampire

no but its probably just for the purposes of making her mysterious

and wont change to not give new readers spoilers XD

spire

Yes I believe that's simply to keep it mysterious for new readers

Superjustinbros

Yeah

RebelVampire

i think victor will def help paulina, although im not sure i get the impression paulina is gonna inspire victor to look for truth persay. though if she gets him to chalice, i think chalice will make him question stuff.

Superjustinbros

Maybe, just maybe.(edited)

RebelVampire

i kind of get the impression that paulina didnt come from any facility but instead has been living and training outside the system. cause we dont really know the process by which the facilities collect variants in the first place. like obviously we see victor's mom bring victor. but like...was it the law? was it under threat hed be taken anyway? how did ppl know?(edited)

and without knowing these things i can think of a lot of reasons paulina just skirted by the system

Superjustinbros

Definitely could be something outside the system, since it's still a mystery

spire

I'm wondering if the only reason Pauli chased Vic down to Earl is because she has blackmail to make him help her find chalice. If she asked anyone else she's obvs get turned in to the police or taken home?? Wherever that is???

Well, I guess it's not really black mail. So I don't really know

RebelVampire

maybe paulina just picked him cause hes the only variant she knows now who didnt immediately try to arrest her

and tbf

victor is a good choice cause he would seem easy to intimidate into doing what you want him to do

spire

TRUE LMAO

RebelVampire

tho i couldnt fathom why she wants to find chalice. i mean the assumption is she wants their help. but maybe she super hates them and chalice is corrupt and bad. and that there is no good in this world. or something depressing like that.

Superjustinbros

lmao

Plus he's the protagonist

RebelVampire

paulina got super meta and said "hey victor you feel like a protagonist. you can probably help"

XD

Superjustinbros

XD

Protagonist Syndrome in a nutshell

RebelVampire

that makes me feel bad for victor. victor seems like the last person whod ever want to be a protagonist

just wants to sleep in his room instead

spire

Hashtag relatable tbh

Superjustinbros

Yes

RebelVampire

since we only have 4 mins left, are there any final thoughts to share?

Superjustinbros

I'd love to do the same lol

I want to say this has been a great read so far, it's got great characters, lots of emotion, and lots of charm.

(And lots of good expressions)

Good luck with the comic, Eve, it's really going strongly so far.

spire

I think inhibit really nails what it feels like to be pinned by the expectations put on you by all levels of society, but still allowing itself to breathe and be funny and so human

RebelVampire

i think inhibit is a great story with memorable personalities. but most of all it has a relateable protagonist whose inner demons can speak to most ppl, and watching his journey is definitely probably something that will inspire hope

unless victor dies

then no hope

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Eve Greenwood / evegwood, as well, for making Inhibit. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Eve Greenwood / evegwood’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: http://www.inhibitcomic.com/

Eve Greenwood / evegwood’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/evegwood

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Comic Tea Party- Thursday Book Club

Next week’s Thursday Book Club will be about Princess Pups by Lindsay Hornsby. For participants, you have the next week to read as much of the comic as you would like~! We hope to see you on Thursday, January 3rd, from 5PM to 7PM PST for the chat in #thursday_bookclub!

Comic’s Main Site: https://tapas.io/series/Princess-Pups

[inhalareexhalare]

Inserted Re-Post// Ways You Can Fuck Up Someone Else’s Life and Your Own

Reuel is the name of the post-er:

(Beware Spoilers to a Filipino Film)

Alone Together (2018) - more like, sociopath-daddy issues together

Back when i was 16, i had 2 goals in life. 2 goals in life i want to achieve and that's it, my job is done, and i will be complete.

1. Eat a 21 piece KFC bucket by myself. 2. Play metal guitar as fast as possible.

It did not take long before i realized how shallow and stupid those goals were. I mean, it would be cool to be my age now and still have the arteries to handle 21 pieces of genetically modified fried chicken, or play open chords on a jcm marshall 800 ... but to call those GOALS, was a reflection of my youth and naivete.

As my goals in life changed, so did my perception and taste for rom coms and love stories.

I am no longer in my 20's, i am married, and i am in the stage where i have a very clear view of relationships without my libido to distract me.

Alone Together is a celebration of traits that breaks up future marriages and fucks up one's family life. If your goal in life is to be a single mother, or a deadbeat father, then you will love the characters played by Enrique Gil and Liza Soberino (i am murdering their last names, i really do not follow Philippine showbiz).

To give you better context, it is time for spoilers, and i will walk you through why both characters are messed up (and should refrain from raising children), and why their lives are the way it is.

Once upon a time, there were 2 lovers. Gil is a struggling med student, and Liza is a magna cum laude art student.

At that age, Gil, just like 16 year old me, has 2 goals in life:

1. Make Liza proud of him. 2. Marry Liza.

His goals are dumber, because at least my stupid goals only harmed my arteries and my finances.

When your self esteem is based on the approval of another person, you are going to be fucked. People are messed up. People are unpredictable. People change. And most of all, you cannot control people. The only thing you can control in this world is you.

If you want a stable self-esteem. It has to be based on how you see yourself.

Number 2. Marriage. You do not make "marrying your college girlfriend" your goal because life is bigger than shacking up with your girlfriend. The world is big. Possibilities are endless. And, you are young. Marriage requires a very deep understanding of the world and especially yourself. That is not possible in your 20's, even if you think you are more mature than others out there.

Here's a reality check: you are not mature. You are not a special snowflake. Everyone your age falls into the same thinking pattern you do. Heck, i did, and everybody thought i was mature. Remember, im that guy whose goal was 21 pieces of KFC chicken and playing Slayer at 250bpm.

Anyway ... in this movie, Gil never got to read my facebook page (plus he has no dad to teach him), so he ended up a crying mess when Liza broke up with him (for no clear reason), and he doomed himself into a purgatory of some sort.

Purgatory. Its that stage in your life where you refuse to grow and stay exactly the same person you are, making the same mistakes and believing in the same dumb-assed shit that got you there in the first place.

Now, on Liza's end ... she has already graduated Magna Cum Laude in Fine Arts and she is involved in a workplace controversy where her boss misappropriated 1 million pesos out of the company. She is an accesory to the crime, since she stupidly allowed everything to happen in front of her without telling anyone. She got involved in a law suit, and her career working in the economically viable world of Fine Arts is now ruined.

This brought about great depression in her, that she broke up with Gil.

Gil, being the sociopath he is, has zero empathy, and thought Liza broke up with him because he sucks at med school and he is taking a long while to graduate.

Fast forward 5 years later.

Liza is now in a relationship with a very industrious man, who is also going through an annulment. This man is her boss, and is probably a CEO of the company she works for. This guy is rich as fuck. And you know, in Pinoy movies, the rich fucker is always an asshole.

But i digress. I like the rich fucker, and i'll expound on it later.

Liza has a close relationship with Rich Guy's daughter, and she spends more time with her than the guy does.

Why?

The rich guy is busy running an architecture company, who even has clients based in New York ... plus the movie wants to frame: rich people = no time for family = asshole.

Liza complains that Rich Guy confuses her because eventhough he was the one who saved her career, helped her in the lawsuit, she is confused that Rich Guy treats her like an employee, while occasionally treating her like a girlfriend.

To this i say: of course Liza!

He is CEO of a really big company that he probably started. Do you know how hard it is to start a company? Do you know how hard he worked to build a company that big and that succesful?

He did that by putting the right people in the right corporate positions. And he did that to you because he thought you have talent for whatever job it is you are doing.

You have a job and financial security because of him, and now you are complaining that he treats you like an employee, while just 3 minutes ago, you were picked up in a chauffered car that you took to meet up with your fucking ex-boyfriend?!

I am getting ahead of myself. Let us go back to the story.

So Liza and Rich Guy goes to this awards event where Rich Guy is getting an outstanding person award. Lo and behold, another person was also getting a doctor of the year award (for helping poor people, of course, you have to always help poor people in Pinoy movies, because that is the only way you'll be a hero in the story), that person is, Gil.

Now, if i see any of my ex's ... i would smile and wave at them and go my merry way like every sane ex would.

But Liza and Gil? ... fuck no.

Not only did they meet each other's significant other, they also managed to exchange numbers, while making plans to meet up later.

Upon meeting, Gil the sociopath mindfucked Liza about their 5 year old past. He is now a great doctor - that for some reason, only has scenes in the ER, helping POOR people for free. And he even brings Liza to his workplace, mindfucking her again into seeing how much he helps POOR people.

Now, this pinoy schtick annoys me so much because poor people are ALWAYS ALWAYS: nice, polite, thankful, humble, appreciative.

Well guess what? I have a clinic with my wife and do you know who always gives me a headache?

People with no fucking money. Poor people.

I am sorry. If you own a business, sold guitars, worked the cashier in a hospital, worked as a waiter ... most of your problems and pains will be from poor people or poor people pretending to be rich.

People with money, pay you, smile and go about their merry way.

Poor people? Fuck. They would always have a version of buyer's remorse, or they would go out of their way to get you in trouble so they can have their version of a discount.

So yes. Stop framing poor people as saints and rich people as devils. Both exist regardless of financial status. And you will not be smiling and handsome as Gil if your job is serving people who cannot pay medical bills.

All this mindfucking ultimately convinced Liza to represent Rich Guy's corporation in New York.

At this point, Liza is already a cheating bitch in denial. She is meeting Gil regularly. They even go on dates where they pretend to be bf-gf.

I mean, i could respect Liza if she was just a horny bitch, but she is so deep in denial of her cheating ... that horny bitch or cheating bitch, i have lost respect for her character.

She is the girl i will tell my son to never take seriously. Have fun with her, hang out with her, but under no circumstance should he be serious with a cheating horny bitch.

You do not want to be involved with a woman who is so lost and damaged, she has zero clue what she wants in this life.

That is a big clue in whether a woman is worth marrying. She should know who she is and what she is capable of. Anyone who is in denial or ignorant about their flaws is a bigger headache than people who cannot pay their medical bills.

Anyway, Liza goes to New York. She extends her stay so she can go see some museums. And guess who is there?

The sociopath Gil of course.

Without any permission, Gil, the angel doctor who helps poor people, leaves the hospital and his girlfriend on a whim, to see his ex in New York.

At this point, i was really pissed off because the movie is now celebrating these 2 cheating son of a bitches.

They go on dates, they kissed. And Gil told Liza he broke up with his gf, so they can be together again.

Now you understand why i call Gil a sociopath.

Gil is completely devoid of empathy. Here are the signs:

1. He has no boundaries. When Liza broke up with him, he stalked her house for weeks. Any psychologically healthy male knows that no means no.

2. He has a girlfriend, yet he texted and asked to meet Liza.

3. Upon meeting Liza, he had no guilt flirting with her, holding her hand, and within 10 seconds, introduced her to his current girlfriend. Any normal male would show guilt at this point.

4. He leaves his job like it was nothing.

5. He broke up with his current gf as if it were nothing.

6. He is hot and cold with Liza. Hot, when Liza wants to stop their affair. Cold, when Liza suddenly wants to see him.

You know whats the saddest part?

I have met and dated girls who wanted those things in a man!

1. They want the guy to fight for their love and not give up. Who does that? A sociopath!

2. Will never get over them even after years of not meeting. Errr, obsessed sociopath?

3. Would drop everything for them. Errr, impulsive sociopath?

4. Will choose them even when they have a gf. Cheating, horny sociopath?

5. Challenging, unpredictable and full of surprises. Oh i know people like that! They are sociopaths!

Movies like this celebrate sociopaths, just because they have a job that helps the poor.

Now, after the New York momol, Liza decides not to see Gil.

Liza is such a fucked up character. She is cheating, yet she does not want to do it, yet, she misses it and wants to do it again.

Gil, shows his sociopath rage and tells Liza that she only stuck with the guy for 5 years because she has nowhere to go. He claims that she is only guilty and is only repaying Rich Guy by being his girlfriend.

To this i think its presumptuous of Gil.

Rich Guy made her human again - saved her from a law suit, gave her a real career. how can she not fall in love with a guy like that?

But since Liza is a girl with daddy issues, has zero clue what traits to look for a guy, as long as he is handsome and helps the poor like Gil ... she believes him.

Liza and Rich Guy had dinner to which Liza kept yapping about her musuem trip, while Rich Guy was totally not interested and kept asking her questions about the client meetings.

You know, Rich Guy did send her to New York to represent their company. And just allowed her to stay for 3 more days of sight seeing. He spent company money, 100k or so for a back and forth trip to Philippines and New York ... so it is normal that he cares about the business meetings more than the boring art stuff Liza is yapping out.

Rich Guy did not become rich because his interest in life was appreciating art. His interest is in business, so you really cannot fault him for wanting to ask about the meetings before anything else.

Liza, apparently, does not give a shit about finances, despite being stuck in a million peso law suit and unemployment, because she does not like Rich Guys concerns at all. So she proposes that shes not happy with her corporate job and is interested in taking low paying, entry level museum jobs.

Again, pinoy movies really hammer it down that finances are nothing and our passion and family is what matters. It is not surprising why most Filipinos are in terrible financial situations ... for some reason, its media celebrates not giving a shit about money, despite the fact that it is the problem staring us straight in the face all the time.

Rich Guy was pissed, but calmed down and told her that if she wants to mess around and have fun with her art shit, he knows some people and he can get her jobs on the spot with his connections.

Apparently, Liza does not like this. She broke up with Rich Guy then and there.

So, i dont get it.

Rich Guy allowed her to quit her corporate job, even got her a job for the art stuff she wanted to do, and she gets mad.

Do you know what kind of a girl would punish a man for taking care of her, while rewarding another man who mindfucks her?

A girl who is going to be a single mother.

I know this is probably going to be very offensive, because there are single mothers in here. But to this, im going to ask:

-have you ever dreamed of being a single mother?

The answer is no. Along with that No, is probably an admission of the mistake in being involved with a man you should have never been involved with.

I am sorry if you are a single mother. It is not the best status to be in, but if you truly learned from your experience, you will agree with what i say:

You had no clue what traits to look for in a man.

Liza is an example of someone who has no idea in what traits to look for in a man, and this movie teaches the wrong mindset, especially when looking for someone to have children with.

Liza let go a man who could have secured her future, and she chose a fucking sociopath over him.

Now, after the break up, Liza rushed to the hospital to tell Gil that she is now free and single! At this point, Liza is also now a sociopath. A girl with daddy issues craves for approval of a male she idolizes, she ends up taking on their traits.

Gil, was stone cold upon seeing her. Normally, he would be happy cause now they can be together, right? Wrong!

Gil does not want Liza anymore because his ex, the one he left for Liza, is pregnant.

Yes... ironic as it is, Liza did not become a single mom, but the other girl who got involved with Gil became a single mom.

You may hate what i say, but even the goddamned movie confirmed my predictions.

Now, Liza is officially alone ... and shes having a hard time looking for a job. Shes back to being poor, and nobody would hire her cause of her lawsuit past. But since this is a movie, Liza still gets to wear expensive clothes and makeup while struggling to find work until, one art museum took her in and she became very succesful.

She claims in the epilogue she doesnt get to meet Gil again, but as soon as she said that, Gil showed up in her museum, telling her that he broke up with his pregnant girlfriend but they promised to be good parents to their kid.

The last scene shows us Gil and Liza looking at a painting of Spolarium, while Gil carries and introduces his son to Liza. I mean, that is an awesome way to market a broken family. Make it look normal and problem free where daddy has a new girlfriend, totally ignoring the dynamics of original mommy in the equation.

Can you imagine how that set up is gonna mess up a child?

I have a mom. I have a dad who lives in a different house. I do not see dad much. Dad has a girl who is nice to me, but is not my mommy. Dad kisses that girl, but never kisses mommy. Meanwhile, theres another man in mommy's house who kisses mommy but is not my daddy.

I am sorry if you are in that situation. I do not mean to offend, but you do not want your children to be in that situation. Do not be offended just because i wrote about your mistake and the consequences you are living with now.

3/10.

Theres a reason why Philippine cinema is dying, and that is because it promotes values that is detrimental to our progress as mature beings.

It is funny that watching a movie and reading a comic book about an intergalactic threat like Thanos, teaches us more values about friendship, heroism and sacrifice, than a relationship movie that completely ignores the consequences of stupid decisions, while making cartoonish stereotypes of people in specific financial situations.

This is why it’s important to be clear about your goals, folks. 

(1) Goal/s. This is your purpose. Your driving force. Your motivation to get up in the morning. Your reason for living. Consciously make concrete your goal/s in life. Evaluate. There’s nothing wrong with revision and reconfiguration. What’s wrong is, as the writer put it, “purgatory.” Stagnation.

(2) Intention/s. This is actually synonymous to Goal/s, but I put it here in search of a different perspective. Your ultimate goal doesn’t change much. Not a lot. But your intentions do. We have limited attention. We humans are easily distracted, and easily scared. In fear, we cling to something illusory. In intoxication, we hold on to temporary glory. This, is why I differentiate goals with intentions. 

Your goals don’t change in your logical mind, but your intentions do, in your wandering head/heart. It’s important to be aware of what you do and why you do it. Again, there’s nothing wrong with reconfiguration. Mistakes isn’t the end. Collect principles from them.

(3) Choice/s. Once you know you’re in the right/wrong track, it doesn’t end there. Getting better takes initiative. You have to be active about what you want. If you have time to complain, you have time to do something productive and improve yourself as a person. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to set small goals on your way up your personal stairs. It’s impossible to be a musician in one day simply because it’s too big a step. That’s just impossible for you. 

Small goals are big decisions. They decide your new habits. Small goals are like, requiring yourself to practice at least five minutes a day. It’s the small routines that build up your muscle. As your muscle overgrows your routine, that signals you to set higher small goals. Things are achieved through consistency. The first two points are there so that you can detect your bad habits as early as you can to replace them with new habits. Habits maketh human.

The movie shows how far they went, not realizing the inner mechanism of their minds. They fail to challenge themselves. They fail to ask themselves important questions, and they have no desire to assess their wants and needs, and the consequences their decisions make.

Being human is not an easy thing, you should know.

You have a mind. Put it to good use.

I’m not afraid of failure. What I fear is the point of no longer wanting to learn, no longer desiring to progress.

THE WORLD DESERVES MORE FROM ME, AND IT IS TOO RICH AND TOO VAST FOR ME TO TAKE FOR GRANTED

[love-god-forever]

Reach This Point, and We Will Never Fear to Fellowship in Gatherings

Grow in Christ | By Arong, Hong Kong

In the past, I often actively fellowshiped about my experience and knowledge of God’s words at meetings. But my emotions often swung because of my brothers’ and sisters’ different reactions. Whenever I saw them attentively listening to my fellowshiping and frequently nodding their approval, I would feel elated, whereas when I saw they didn’t respond to my fellowshiping, my heart would sink. However, I didn’t notice these revelations until one meeting.

A Sister’s Words Causing Me to Sink Into Passivity

At a meeting, both a sister and I were just about to fellowship. Just then, the sister beside me touched me on my hand and said to me, “Let’s speak less and listen more. They fellowshiped wonderfully. We can receive the light more.” At that time, I didn’t mind her words and thought that it was right to receive more new light from others’ fellowship. However, after I got back home, her words kept echoing in my mind. I thought the reason why she said so was certainly because my fellowship was deficient and thus she didn’t like to listen to me. Thinking of that, I immediately became very depressed in my spirit.

During the following meetings, whenever I wanted to start my fellowship, I would remember her words, and then I would wimp out with the thought that “I don’t know whether there is light in my understanding. If not, how will my sisters see me?” Especially when I saw my sisters were responsive to the fellowship of a sister, who has not believed in God for as long as I have, my spirit became more depressed. I thought, “My fellowshiping never won such approval. It must be that I didn’t fellowship as wonderfully as she. Forget it, I had best not speak, otherwise they will see that. It’s better to go home and equip myself with the truth. I should only fellowship when I have received much illumination at home.”

Afterward, as long as I was free I would read God’s words. Yet for some unknown reason, I simply could not quiet myself and I even felt increasingly muddle-headed when I read. Every time when I was on my way to attend meetings, I would tell myself in my heart, “This time I must start communicating, no matter what. Otherwise, how will my sisters see me?” But after I arrived at the meeting place, I would get very nervous. My whole mind would be occupied with thoughts of what I was supposed to say when it was my turn to fellowship. When I thought about that, I couldn’t receive any enlightenment of the Holy Spirit. So even if I read God’s words I didn’t understand anything. Once, a sister suddenly said to me, “Arong, we haven’t heard you fellowship of late. Please fellowship what you know. Let’s learn from each other.” Hearing that, I felt so embarrassed that my face was burning and my mind was blank. As a result, I was unable to say anything. So, I hurriedly found an excuse and left.

On my way home, I felt very upset and ill at ease. I thought, “Recently, my state has become increasingly worse. And I couldn’t receive the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit during the meetings. This time, I was even unable to communicate the truth. If this continues, what will my sisters think of me?” The more I thought of that, the more afraid I became, to the point that I was afraid to attend the following meetings.

So, after arriving home, I hurriedly came before God and prayed to Him, “O God! I don’t know what’s happening to me. When I read Your word, I was unable to absorb any of it. And I was unable to communicate any truths in today’s meeting. Now, I’m even afraid of attending meetings. O God! Please inspire and guide me, to have me understand Your will, and to know where I went wrong. May You help me. Amen!”

From God’s Words, I Understood the Root of My Passivity

Thank God for hearing my prayer. Several days later, Axue, a sister who got along well with me, came to visit me at home. I told her about my circumstances. Then she said, “I think you have been constrained by vanity. You have spent too much time worrying about what other people think of you. So you have no way to gain the work of the Holy Spirit and thus live in the darkness.” After hearing her words, I felt surprised, thinking, “Could it be that the reason why I couldn’t receive enlightenment is that I’ve lost the work of the Holy Spirit?” At that time, she read two passages of God’s words to me. God says, “There is a bad condition within man: depression, negativity, or weakness; or fragility; or good-for-nothingness; or persistent base intent; or always being in the thrall of worrying about face, selfish desires, and one’s own benefit; or low self-worth. There are some negative conditions in which you are always in thrall to these things. When you live within these vexing conditions, it’s very difficult for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit.”

“You must first surrender yourself and set aside the things that you love and treasure. If you do not set those aside but continue to carry those things while still seeking to make requests of God, can you gain the work of the Holy Spirit? The work of the Holy Spirit is conditional, and God is a God who hates evil and who is pure and holy. If people always carry these things and close themselves off from God, always refuse God’s work and guidance, then God will stop working in them” (“You Can Obtain Truth After Turning Your True Heart Over to God” in Records of Christ’s Talks).

Then she fellowshiped this, “From God’s words we know that when we are living in a wrong state, that is, our hearts are occupied with wrong intentions, desires and so on, the Holy Spirit will conceal Himself from us. Then we will not receive enlightenment and illumination when reading God’s words and naturally our spirits will wither and sink downward. If we don’t put these wrong intentions aside, even if we pray to God more, the Holy Spirit will not do work in us, because God is holy and knows our hearts. Take fellowshiping God’s words in gatherings, for example. If our intentions are not to exalt and testify God or to understand more truths, but to gain our brothers’ and sisters’ praise and approval or to make them look up to and admire us, how is it possible that God is pleased with us? How could the Holy Spirit work in us? Therefore, it is just because of our wrong intentions that God covers His face from us.”

I was astounded at her fellowshiping. Then I recalled my consistent performance at the meetings. When my sisters nodded their approval to my fellowshiping, I would feel elated; when they didn’t make any response to my fellowshiping, I would feel frustrated; when the sister suggested that I hear others’ communion more, I felt my fellowship was deficient in her eyes, so I didn’t dare to communicate God’s words anymore for fear that my fellowship wouldn’t be confirmed by others. As a result, I gave up communicating what I had been enlightened. Gradually, my spirit grew darker and darker. Even when the sister asked me by name to fellowship God’s words, I became so embarrassed that I found an excuse and then left. From my performance, I saw that when I was bound by face and status, I was living in the middle of Satan’s trickery. Though I was in the church, my heart was bound by Satan’s corrupt disposition. Thus how could I get the chance to receive the work of the Holy Spirit? No wonder that I did not receive any enlightenment or illumination when reading God’s words. It turned out that my intentions were indeed wrong.

Finding the Way to Practice

Afterward, Axue read two more passages of God’s words to me. God says, “Those who are capable of putting the truth into practice can accept God’s scrutiny in their actions, and when you accept God’s scrutiny, your heart is set right. If you only ever do things for others to see and do not accept God’s scrutiny, do you have God in your heart? People like this are without a God-fearing heart.”

“What are the behavioral manifestations of turning over one’s heart? What are specific actions involved? It is that you set aside these things that can bind you: face, reputation, and status. You set aside all these things that can hinder your coming into God’s presence. You are not carrying a burden but rather come into God’s presence with two empty hands to accept your duty and allow God to work in you and guide you. If you have this true heart, then as soon as God sees it, the Holy Spirit will work” (“You Can Obtain Truth After Turning Your True Heart Over to God” in Records of Christ’s Talks).

After she had finished reading from the word of God, she said, “God’s words point out to us the way of practice to shake off the binds of vanity. That is, when we speak or act, we should not care how others view us but rectify our motivations, pay attention to living in the presence of God—accepting God’s observation in everything and doing things in front of God. When we are aware that we have lived within face and status, we should actively pray to God, rely on Him and ask Him to help us leave behind our wrong intentions and desires. This way, when He sees our true heart, then the Holy Spirit will work on us and enlighten and guide us. Besides, we need to know, actually, that communicating God’s words at meetings is a way that we brothers and sisters learn from each other, because the enlightenment and guidance God gives us are different. If we can put our heart right to bear witness to God’s deeds in us in a simple-hearted way and to learn from others’ fellowshiping to improve upon our shortcomings, then we will gain much and our life will progress quickly.”

After hearing her fellowship, my heart felt light. So I offered my thanks to God in my heart. I knew God had listened to my prayer and found her to help me and let me know myself and know how to shake off the binds of vanity. Then I made a resolution: “From now on, I will not fellowship to gain others’ approval and esteem. Instead, I will put my heart right, do it in front of God and communicate only as much of God’s words as I understand and just concern myself with performing my duty.”

Breaking Through the Control of Face, My Heart Became Released and Free

Soon, a meeting day came. The brothers and sisters attending the meeting were more than before. Some of them were onsite, some online. Seeing that, I couldn’t help getting nervous. But I thought of God’s words I read before, so I told myself, “Put my heart right and accept God’s observation.” Then my heart became calm little by little. Accordingly, I felt God was always by my side, and as long as I was willing to practice the truth and betray my flesh in that environment, God would lead me to break through the bondage and control of vanity. Thus, I went to the restroom, hurriedly quieted my heart and prayed to God, “O God! In today’s meeting, I’m willing to put my heart right, and forsake my vanity. Please give me faith and courage so that I can suffer no restraint and have a simple and honest heart, communicate only as much of Your words as I understand, learn from others and thus get something out of the meeting.”

During the meeting, I obtained some light through pondering God’s words. Then I picked up the microphone and fellowshiped my understanding. During the process, I still felt somewhat nervous. But when I thought what I fellowshiped was the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit, which was bearing witness to God, I put my heart right and fellowshiped the truth in front of God. With that, I felt greatly relaxed and released, and it seemed that the massive stone that had been pressing down on my heart was suddenly lifted.

From then on, I was not bound by vanity anymore at meetings and I once again received the Holy Spirit’s work. Every time I fellowshiped my understanding of God’s words with my brothers and sisters, I felt incomparably sweet in my heart.

Reflections on My experience

Through that experience, I felt God’s genuineness. God is closer than we think. He is by our side all along, inseparable from us. When I was bound by vanity and fell into darkness, He found Sister Axue to help me so that I could understand His will; when I was willing to practice the truth to satisfy Him, He granted me power and led me to break through the bondage and shackle of vanity, so that I no longer felt constrained when fellowshiping at meetings. Reflecting on the whole process, I feel so happy because God was leading and accompanying me.

[annanicole2004-blog]

yeah i think im gonna start using this dead website mostly for journaling purposes and having a place to put my thoughts on a public forum (as public as my literally 4 mutual followers is) i know that theres a private setting but the fact that anyone can see and maybe relate to what i post is somewhat comforting to me and maybe it will be for them too who knows

i asked for donations on facebook today. I shouldn’t feel bad but i do. everyone is struggling, everyone knows college is expensive and life is expensive. I like being independent and paying my own way, and I don’t really like asking for help with money things. I like having my own money but I also like having the time/energy to pass all my classes. Its a frustrating balance. I got about $30 so far from friends. I shouldn’t feel guilty because I know the world ought to be kinder and everyone struggles from time to time, and I wouldn’t hesitate to give a friend a little extra money if they needed it. I don’t think I really want to be dead, but I do think about not being born a lot. I think about things ive bought that I don’t really need. Times I went out instead of finishing something for a class. I wish I were more responsible, less impulsive, less scatter brained. I wish I didn’t feel like I was moving in slow motion all the time. I wish I didn’t sit in restaurants spacing out for hours at a time because i cant tune out the static in my head. People are very patient with me and I want to be better. I’m a shitty communicator and I have low self esteem and most of the time I can’t really seem to get much work done. Dealing with me is probably the most frustrating thing. I’ve got a lot of great ideas and potential and if I could pull it together I could be a really successful person. I think things will be better once I graduate, but also a lot of opportunities will no longer be there once I’m feeling more focused/less emotionally vulnerable and that makes me kind of sad. I try not to be hard on myself for taking 6 years to graduate bc ive spent enough time torturing myself as it is. Its wasted mental energy. I could be spending that energy thinking of ideas for projects. I can’t give power to these thoughts that I have.

I wish I could forget I ever met This One Person who im going to refer to as Person bc this is th’internet. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind all of their toxic shit out of my brain. I hate that I dwell on it so much but a lot of things just were so messy and it was never resolved, and I feel like I can’t talk about it with people without them getting tired of it. Person was a sexual predator and i thought they cared for me but it was a manipulation tactic and that’s what i need to get thru my self destructive triflin ass brain. I like to see the good in people and I put my trust in people I shouldn’t. I guess maybe now I know better....right? I used to think my vulnerability was a good thing but now im not sure. I wonder if I’m just weak. Everyone loves a bad bitch who never catches feelings. Nobody wants to see her cry. I wish I was like her too. I wish I didn’t have fantasies of hitting Person with my car.

I can’t think about sex without wanting to cry anymore. I masturbate to memories of sex with Person, and I feel so pathetic. I knew I liked them but I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. I dont think I even want a relationship? im so confused.... I was hurt when they didnt have the same feelings, but wanted to fuck me ??? I felt like a hole. They were on top of me telling me how damaged they were from catching feelings for another girl, like could you maybe wait until u aren’t inside me?????? asshole !!!!!!!!!!!maybe casual sex just isnt my thing and i should stop trying to pretend it is. I was so angry and confused and I think for valid reasons but idk. i was so desperate and pathetic. idk whats wrong with my brain. Im so confused. I wish I was more free with my sexuality, but I can’t remember the last time I felt good about sex. When I used sex as self harm I literally fucked strangers just so I could feel wanted. I wasn’t even attracted to most of them, and the sex was often terrible. It was boring !!! But I felt like that’s what I deserved. I deserved whatever stds I got from fucking random strangers from craigslist. It sounds horrible when I type it out but that’s the truth. I don’t know where I got such bad self-esteem. I look outside myself and I know its holding me back but I don’t know how to stop it. I think its bc I’m still so dependent on my worth as a person being determined by my attractiveness to ppl. I’d like to move on from that, seems a little juvenile. I’d like to stop comparing myself to other girls. I wish I could visit a sex therapist who could break down all this phobia I have and make everything make more sense. I’d like to enjoy sex in my life but I always catch feelings that I wish I could just turn off. Person told me that I feel everything too much. I hate them and I wish I didn’t believe that. I know myself and I think I feel things in perfectly normal proportions, I’m just not as good at hiding them. so dont police my feelings asshole. regardless, they had a point. If I could turn them off I would. Fucking prick. Fucking predatory, asshole prick that doesn’t deserve my presence. The time will come when I never think of them again and I pray that day arrives soon.

Theres things I do like about myself. I’m funny. I’m independent. In some ways, I’m quite brave. I take risks. I’m always gentle. I listen and I want my friends to trust me and get strength from me, bc this world is a goddamn shitshow and everyone needs a little help. I know I have to survive in this world being genuine to who I am, even if everything around me tries to break that down. I’m not going to let it. I know I do things a little differently and it doesn’t make sense to people, but I think I’m capable of so much. I’ve lived through lots of trauma and its given me a lot of pain and probs part of what keeps me from functioning normally but its also what makes me strong. And fuck everyone else, crying and being real about how u feel is strength. And soon, after 6 goddamned years of suffering, I’m gonna graduate. And I’m proud of myself for making it thru 6 years of scraping by working part time and taking classes with fuckhead professers and dealing with this backwards ass university profiting off my struggle. I’m gonna have a fucking BFA that I worked for and achieved. I’m gonna live and thrive, which is more than I can say for Person !!!!!! 

[studylustre]

haya, for the sleepover, I'll tell you this like you're my friend and ask you for advice. (p1) I tend to be quite afraid of the unkown, mostly becuse i have this weird belief that I'm not competent, which makes me afraid to take on new challenges or responsibilities. It limits me a lot because im afriad of not being able to manage something. I’m scared it will make me not do a tonne of things that I’d enjoy in the long run and that would be beneficial to me.

(part two) Also, i tend to really depend on people’s external validation of me to the point of it being hard for me to act like myself 100%. I’m mostly myself, but I exaggrate and am always ‘on’ like i’m acting. I think I just want people to like me, but it feels insincere and insecure and it’s like, am i afraid of being myself? :( I don’t have low confidence and i’m extroverted, so it’s a little shy girl not knowing who she is. But perhaps I have low self-esteem. What do you think girlie? xo

under the cut, because it’s about to get real

gosh this is…….. shockingly relatable!!! i also have a fear of the unknown which limits me, but i think at some point we just have to do our best to realise that these doubts, while natural, are completely irrational and are only stopping us from pursuing our goals and doing the best we can. we are our own worst critics, so it’s not surprising that you doubt your abilities but trust me when i say that you are far more capable than you think!! as long as you set your mind to it and try, there’s nothing to lose. sure, you might not be the best, but no one is immediately perfect at doing everything: that comes with dedication and time, of which you have plenty as long as you’re willing to put in the effort! i know it’s a lot easier said than done, but at some point you just kind of… have to actively ignore all your doubts and just go for it. in my experience, things never turn out as badly as you think it will - and even if they don’t go exactly to plan, it’s always better to have tried and gained something from the experience than to look back and regret missing out. for example, i didn’t think i was going to be “good enough” to get into uni, so i didn’t bother trying very hard for my as levels. that totally bit me in the ass and getting my results was a wake up call, because i knew i could do better. i was cheating myself by giving into my doubts and not trying. fast forward a year or so, and now i’m in my top choice uni, which is one of the best in the uk! you can achieve everything you want, as long as you try. the only way you can fail is by giving up and not giving yourself a chance. also, one tiny thing before i move on: so what if you’re not able to perfectly manage something? if it’s something you’d like/would be beneficial, why not give your happiness a shot by just trying it? doesn’t the potential of finding something you immensely enjoy and could make a lifelong hobby out of worth outweigh the potential of doing something slightly less than perfectly?

i also relate to you on your second point. i think everyone, to some extent, relies on people’s validation of them. it’s just natural to want people to like you and compliment you - it’s a way of feeling better about yourself and reassuring yourself that you’re doing ok. but at some point, you just have to remind yourself that while compliments and flattery is nice, the only thing that really matters is how YOU feel about yourself. you know yourself better than anyone else, so why rely on other people to validate what you already know? also, as cynical as this may sound, at the end of the day, you only really have yourself to count on. people leave - it’s a fact of life. you can’t always rely on others to pick you up and get you through the tough times, you only have yourself for that. so don’t wholly depend on other people to make you feel better, because you’re strong enough to do that on your own. but honestly, try not to be too tough with yourself on this. everyone wants to be liked, so it’s v common to feel like you’re “on” when you’re with others, since everyone wants to make a good impression. just take care not to lose sight of who you really are. if possible, surround yourself with genuine people that make you happy and you can truly be yourself with, whether it’s friends or family. 

edit: some failures are beneficial! like i said earlier, i severely underachieved at my as levels because i didn’t try. so i didn’t do as well as i wanted to, but that’s ok, because it let to me actively trying to better myself, and now i’m at the uni of my dreams and having the time of my life. so please don’t worry too much about failures, because you gain a lot from them.

*✧·ﾟ:* IT’S SLEEPOVER TIME! *:·ﾟ✧* send me an ask about anything - lets get to know each other better!