#i rather have a smaller community if it means i get to be personal and hear their comments too

[thomine]

just a short notice that i'm not a very number person. this means that likes + reblogs (with no comments), although appreciated, are not as favoured as people commenting or letting me know what they think.

[hero-the-meep]

Why is the Doctor making Donna a cup of coffee so significant?

Well, he is trying to impress her, to get her to travel with him again – like he tried to do by using the TARDIS to make it snow at Christmas the first time he asked her to travel with him.

But he got that attempt wrong. Donna doesn't like Christmas, and the Doctor having the power to make it snow "scared her to death."

A cup of coffee, just how she likes it, is (on the surface of it) a smaller gesture to show that he remembered the little details about her. A cup of coffee is what brought them together all those years ago.

But it's what Donna told the Doctor about what Lance making her that cup of coffee meant to her that the Doctor really listened to and remembered.

"I was temping. I mean, it was all a bit posh, really. I'd spent the last two years at a double glazing firm. Well, I thought, I'm never going to fit in here. And then he made me a cup of coffee. I mean, that just doesn't happen. Nobody gets the secretaries a coffee. "And Lance, he's the Head of HR, he didn't need to bother with me. But he was nice, he was funny. And it turns out he thought everyone else was really snotty too. So, that's how it started, me and him. One cup of coffee, and that was it."

Donna fell in love with Lance because he made her a cup of coffee. So used to being unnoticed and uncared for, something as simple as an 'important' man taking the time to make her a cup of coffee meant everything to Donna.

She thought it was a sign that he was kind, that he was nice. She thought it was a sign he noticed and cared for her.

And the Doctor sees how it devastates her to learn the real reason why he was making her coffee was to drug her for his own ends. Despite their differences, he's gentle when he breaks it to her. And it connects her to him in a shared grief.

So when the Doctor makes her a cup of coffee after she regains her memories, he's not just telling her that he remembers the little details about her like how she likes her coffee, but the big things too.

He's showing that he sees her, that he cares about her thoughts and feelings, that he wants to care for her after all these years when he couldn't. That he knows how important this is to her.

But that's not all.

In the alternative timeline, Donna never meets Lance. And yet, when she is upset, and afraid, she asks Rose Tyler for a cup of coffee. Steam rises from her mug as they stand around the console inside the dying TARDIS, and have the most honest conversation they've had yet about the Doctor and their feelings towards him.

In the proper timeline, the person we see Donna drinking coffee with is Wilf. In moments of joy and moments of upset they bond over coffee. Before she finds the Doctor again, Donna brings Wilf a thermos to escape Sylvia's criticisms.

Wilf is the only person in Donna's life who she can be herself around, who has unconditionally cared for her, and who she takes joy in caring for back.

Even in the alternative timeline, Wilf has held onto not only the telescope but the exact same thermos Donna brings him coffee in when he's up on the hill.

For the Doctor to remember how she takes her coffee, we know they must have had moments together like this off-screen too.

So when the Doctor makes her a cup of coffee, just how she likes it, he is communicating he remembers not just the small details of her but that he remembers all these things that she associates with making someone a cup of coffee – kindness, acceptance, being noticed, caring for someone and being cared for, home, and family.

It's possible, for the Doctor, there's an apology in that cup of coffee too.

But wait, there's still more.

Did Donna spill the cup of coffee on the console on purpose?

The slight of hand was rather obvious. And it came at a time when Donna was trying to convince him not to leave her, to come back home to her, if only just for a visit.

He'd not said no, but she'd easily seen through him the first time he lied about coming inside to have dinner with her family that first Christmas, and likely saw through him again – the avoidance of eye contact, fiddling with the TARDIS, the wane "yeah, maybe."

She also rather clearly wanted to go on another trip with him (she never wanted to stop in the first place), and was only saying no because of her obligations to her family. It's possible she was buying time by spilling the cup of coffee – just one more than one last trip, without it being her "fault."

She had, after all, just dropped a cup of coffee on a computer and lost a job she'd probably hated, knowing Donna. And before things had gone really wrong, she'd definitely been enjoying herself.

It's also possible she's still quite angry with the Doctor, but unable to fully verbalise this yet.

He connects the cup of coffee to remembering every detail of her. She has not been able to remember any detail of her life with him. The last time they were standing around the console together, he took her memories against her will. He says it killed him; but she – or that version of herself, the one she actually liked – was arguably the one who was killed.

And she might be remembering Lance, another man she truly loved and trusted, and how a cup of coffee seemed like a kindness but was in fact a lie, a violation.

The Doctor quite possibly also suspects something like this is what might have happened, given his level of anger at her.

Despite the fact that this Doctor is more able to admit his feelings, we don't see what happened between them when he took her memories ever properly resolved in words.

Instead, there are a series of proxy arguments that stand in for it – Donna's anger that she gave away all her money because of him, that he sees taking the slow path, living a life day after day as such agony when he made her do it, his anger at her faith that he will know how to defeat the Toy Maker.

And their most emotional proxy argument of all – who is at fault for stranding them at the edge of the universe? Is it Donna, who spilt the cup of coffee, or the Doctor, who she couldn't stop from wandering off?

Thematically, however, there is some resolution. The Doctor lets Donna decide to regain her memories, even if it means she'll die. The Doctor knows Donna enough to save her from being left to die alone, even if it is at the very last moment. The Doctor admits he used to think he knew everything, but now he knows he doesn't.

Donna gets to tell him it's not all about him saving her, gets him to stop, finally gets him to come home with her.

And in their last scene, it's the Doctor who is having the cup of coffee.

[tarotwithavi]

3 things you need to let go of in order manifest your dream life

1. Fear of Rejection

Do you realize that your fear of rejection is holding you back from doing so many things? Also why do you fear rejection ever thought about that? Yes we all fear something and rejection is a really scary word. Nobody likes rejection but the truth is the fear of rejection is what is holding us back and those who have let it go of this fear have achieved great things. Everybody is afraid of rejection so to say but what kind of rejection? Societal rejection that the society won't accept you for who you are, romantic rejection that your crush won't like you back or rejection from your own self? Why do you reject yourself? Why do you reject your thoughts? Why do you think that you are not capable of what you desire? This may not be a big thing but in order to evolve and grow you need to go through these questions and ask yourself why you fear rejection.

3 things to do to let go of this fear

Understanding Impermanence: Recognize that rejection is a part of life, and it doesn't define your worth. People's opinions and circumstances change, and rejection doesn't necessarily reflect a permanent state.

Focusing on Growth: Embrace rejection as an opportunity for personal growth. Learn from the experience, adapt, and use it as a stepping stone towards self-improvement.

Building Resilience: Develop resilience by realizing that not every rejection is a personal attack. Building a strong sense of self allows you to withstand setbacks and move forward with confidence.

2. Expectations

Sometimes you expect too much from people and from yourself too and when you cannot fulfill those expectations you feel upset. You have a great heart and there is no doubt about how pure and innocent your energy is. You do your best in everything you do, if you love someone you love them from all your heart and you will do everything for them. You expect others to do the same for you, expecting is not a bad thing but being upset over others not fulfilling YOUR expectations is not good. You need to let go of those expectations. And you don't have to live up to others expectations also. As a human we always expect others to do something for us or we just expect something in return. It's in our nature. You don't have to fulfill others' expectations and others don't have to fulfill yours. So you just need to let go of “expectations”.

Mindful Awareness: Be conscious of your expectations and question whether they are realistic. Sometimes, expectations can set you up for disappointment if they are too rigid or dependent on external factors.

Embracing Flexibility: Cultivate flexibility and openness to different outcomes. This doesn't mean lowering standards, but rather being adaptable to the twists and turns that life may bring.

Communicating Expectations: Clearly communicate your expectations to others when appropriate. This reduces the chances of misunderstandings and aligns everyone involved.

3. Self-Doubt

We've all been there, right? Dealing with self-doubt is like a universal thing and is a common human experience. But, let's be real for a moment, when did we let that self-doubt become the boss of our lives? Like, where did it even come from? Because, let's face it, it's not like self-doubt runs in the family or is scribbled into our DNA. Nah, it's more about what others toss at us. I used to doubt myself and still do actually(sometimes). But hey, I'm putting in the work. The more I do, the clearer it gets why the wise ones always say, "Who cares what anyone else thinks?" It's like, do you, be you, and forget the noise from the peanut gallery.

Positive Self-Talk: Challenge negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Focus on your strengths and past successes to counteract self-doubt.

Setting Realistic Goals: Break down larger goals into smaller, achievable steps. This allows you to build confidence gradually and see tangible progress.

Seeking Support: Share your concerns with trusted friends or a mentor. External perspectives can provide valuable insights and encouragement, helping you overcome self-doubt.

[7ndipity]

Fights with them

Ot7 x Reader

Summary: what they would be like during fights/arguments

Warnings: a lot of angst, not proofread

A/N: after days of struggling to work(hello executive disfunction) I got this request, and my brain decided to jump back into gear and I wrote this in like an hour, as well as half of another request!? 🤷idk, I'm not gonna question it, I'm just glad I'm writing again.

Masterlist

Requests are open

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Seokjin: as much as he bickers with the members, I think he has a rather avoidant personality when it comes to real conflict. He's said he allergic to seriousness, which can definitely become an issue if not careful, as it can one off as indifferent or dismissive. I think he usually ends up snapping and saying something short but pointed, and then walks away before things can escalate further. Always comes back all apologetic, and tries to work through things more calmly.

Yoongi: He's very upfront and sometimes blunt, and he's said before that he hates getting angry/fighting, so I think most issues would be resolved before they can turn into a full blown fight. But I also think he might have a tendency to ignore/avoid smaller issues until they build up. In the moment, he's not that loud, but he's very sharp with his words. Immediately regrets saying anything that might have hurt you afterwards. Definitely needs some time to himself to think and get his emotions under control, but would want to apologize and resolve everything as quickly as possible.

Hobi: He's almost to open too let a fight brew properly. He'll see it coming be like, "wait, let's step back and sort this out" before it gets out of hand. When they do happen though, he's loud only for a moment, and then the rest of the time, he's unnervingly quiet. As I said in his dating HCs, fights almost always culminate in tears because he can't stand y'all being upset with each other. Like, it causes him physical pain. Makes up the fastest out of all the members.

Namjoon: tbh, I think I would fight with him the most out of the members. He's soo stubborn and passive aggressive. Tries to dismiss the issue to de-escalate the situation, but that almost always backfires. Gets loud and slams things/doors, then gets mad at himself for letting his emotions get the better of him. Definitely needs time to cool off before coming back to talk to you; could be an hour, could be three days, depends on the situation. But he does always come back to talk it out with you.

Jimin: I know several of the big fight stories involve him, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's overly combative, I just think that when he feels strongly about something, he won't back down, which can be a good thing, until it isn't. If it's a smaller argument, he'll just say something snappish and then move on like nothing happened, but in bigger fights, he can rival Joon on volumeand intensity. He can also hold a grudge like you wouldn't believe, so communication is a super important part of resolving the issue so nothing brews into bitterness.

Taehyung: He has a tendency to get very wrapped up in the moment and take things personally, so even small fights can snowball into something bigger if you're not careful. Yells and tries to put up a tough exterior, but starts to crack pretty quick and will want to leave before his other emotions show too much. Another crier(same). Ultimately, can't stand being away from you for too long, the type that will climb in bed and hold you, but not speak because the wounds are still fresh. Will probably talk it out with you the next morning.

Jungkook: He's such a emotional and overly reactive person, so I see fights being a common occurrence with him tbh. With smaller fights, he stays pretty calm, but when things escalate, he's all over the place. Definitely an angry crier. For some reason, I don't see him really yelling during fights? He's more like Hobi in that, if he does, it only happens in bursts and the rest of the time, his tone is just slightly raised(like when he scolds ppl during lives). Does not like to walk away and wants to sort things out then and there, even though that's probably not the best idea, but he doesn't want to let the tension drag on longer than it has to.

[ridiasfangirlings]

How to buy K merch in the Year 2024

I got several asks about this so rather than do each individually, I’ve decided to just make one big How to Buy K Merch in the Year 2024 post. I’m going to skip over the more obvious western sites like eBay and focus more on Japanese sites here. Because there hasn’t been much new K merch in some time keep in mind that most of what you will be looking for is secondhand, which means availability will vary.

Shopping Services

For some of these sites you will need a shopping service, so we’ll start there. This is by no means a comprehensive list of available shopping services, just ones I’ve used and liked. 

FromJapan - This one is very straightforward — copy and paste the url of the item you want into their search bar. For anything in certain sites like Rakuten this will pull up a page that will give you the item and its price in your currency and you can just click add to cart. For other sites you may need to request a price quote, there’s a small form to fill out and they’ll get back to you on if they can order it. Timing depends on when you make the request. The nice thing about FromJapan is they will hold items for you for 45 days, so you can collect multiple purchases from multiple sites over time and have them all shipped at once. The bad side is that after 45 days they will discard your items, so keep an eye on when your oldest item arrived (you can see how long it’s been at their warehouse on your account page, and they will email you as the deadline gets close too).

Treasure Japan - Treasure Japan is a much smaller service than the others on this list but also the one I’ve used the longest. Being a smaller service means they tend to be more able to purchase items that might have seller restrictions, particularly from places like Mercari. Some listings when pasted into other shopping service sites will have a ‘cannot purchase from this seller’ warning, because some sellers don’t want to deal with shopping services. I haven’t had much trouble with this merchandise-wise, but when I’ve run into it with j-fashion Treasure Japan has been able to order when the bigger services couldn’t. Their site is set up so you will input different sites in different sections, there’s one for auction, one for ‘flea market’ (this will be places like Mercari) and one for shopping sites. 

Buyee/Tenso - Buyee is a shopping service, Tenso is a forwarding service. They’re owned by the same parent company but are separate sites and you’ll need a separate account for each. Buyee is directly integrated with some sites like Mercari and Yahoo Japan, you can put in the url into their search bar and get a listing that you can buy immediately. Like FromJapan, any sites outside of the ones they’re integrated into will require you to request a quote (I found this more difficult with Buyee than FromJapan, personally) and they will sometimes be unable to purchase items. They will hold your items for 30 days at no charge, and you can request to consolidate packages for shipping.

Tenso, as I said above, is a forwarding service and somewhat more complicated. Basically when you sign up they will give you a Japanese address (presumably one of their warehouses) and you can then buy directly from Japanese websites, inputting the address you were given in the address field and paying with your own credit card. The items will be shipped to Tenso and from there you can have them sent to you. Obviously this is more complicated than a shopping service. I’ve used it mainly for things that didn’t involve an item being shipped (this is how I signed up for Fan Clan back in the day, for example, though my lottery goods were sent via Tenso too) or sites that require you to sign up to purchase from. I wouldn’t recommend it for any marketplace type site unless you’re fluent in Japanese, since sellers on those sites may try to communicate with you. 

Stores 

AmiAmi (no shopping service needed) - AmiAmi is mainly for new goods but I’ll mention it here anyway, in case K ever gets more merch. AmiAmi usually sells out on preorders, you place your order and they will let you know when the item arrives. You pay at that time. They do sometimes get used merch though so you can keep an eye out there, sometimes there will be decent deals on items that only have small flaws like the box being damaged. 

Amazon Japan (may or may not need a shopping service) - Did you know overseas people can buy from Amazon Japan? You do now! You will need to make a new account, even if you have an Amazon account in your country. Whether you need a shopping service or not depends on the item. Anything sold directly by the company will likely not need a shopping service — the majority of my K manga and the stage plays were all bought directly from here, and when I was supplying raws for Countdown and LSW I was buying the magazines from here as well (I’ve also used it for Pokémon plushies and sewing books). If the item is being sold by a third party seller though you will likely need a shopping service. The site will tell you when you try to check out.

Surugaya EN (no shopping service required)/ Surugaya JP (shopping service required) - This is a secondhand shop and a great place to find merch. The main difference between the English site and the Japanese one is that the Japanese site has a larger selection (particularly doujinshi, and even more particularly spicy doujinshi). The English site periodically has free shipping sales so keep an eye out. Surugaya also has physical stores and will sometimes share merch between the store and the site so keep that in mind too, I have had items canceled before because they sold out in store and the listing hadn’t been updated yet.

Mandarake (no shopping service needed) - Another secondhand shop similar to Surugaya. I have not actually purchased from them myself and am not fond of their interface but I know people who have bought things from here. Like Surugaya they share stock with physical stores so something you want can sell out even after you’ve purchased. 

Lashinbang (shoppng service required) - More secondhand shops. Lashinbang is rather small though so they don't always have much stuff, at least not for K.

CDJapan (no shopping service needed) - This is also better for new merch than secondhand but still worth a mention. I’ve found their prices tend to be worse than a lot of other stores though, this is more of a last resort for me.

Otaku Republic/Goods Republic (no shopping service needed) - Otaku sells doujinshi, Goods sells merch. The main draw is that these two are easy to search if you’re uncomfortable dealing with Japanese sites. I haven’t used them in quite a while but when I was buying from them they would send me free gifts with every purchase (my S4 cup came from them, as well as a bunch of clear file folders that I didn’t take pictures of because they’re being used as sewing pattern storage right now). The main downside is that while shipping is free over $50 they massively mark up the base prices to make up for it. I eventually stopped using this site because the shopping service was cheaper even with shipping and fees, you are paying for convenience. A lot of their ‘inventory’ is just listings from other sites including Surugaya, so check there first.

GoraShop (shopping service required) - This is Gora’s direct bookshop! They only have the season novelizations and Idol K books right now, as well as some Ayaka stuff. 

Kinkurido (shopping service required) - This is the King Amusement Creative shop. All Memories was sold through this shop but is currently sold out, if they ever restock Gora will likely announce it on their Twitter. They do have some other small K goods available, including some CDs and artbooks (and Sarumi body pillows). 

Marketplaces

Mercari Japan (Shopping service needed) - If you’ve ever used the English version of Mercari, here it is again but Japanese edition. You can find a lot of good used pieces here but prices are set by the individual seller so be wary of overpaying the first thing you find. Be sure to use a translator to look at the description in case you're buying a damaged item. Sometimes shopping services can try to negotiate the prices if you ask. 

Yahoo Japan Auctions (shopping service needed) - Similarly as above, if you’re familiar with eBay this is fundamentally the same thing. Some shopping services will allow you to place last minute ‘sniper’ bids, and most will let you set a maximum bid and keep bidding on your behalf until that max is reached. 

Shopping tips and things to know

The good news about buying from Japan right now: the yen is weak, so you can get deals! In the US, anyway. This may depend on your country so if you’re unsure on the exchange rate you can google “[your country’s currency] to yen exchange rate” and it should give you an approximate.

The bad news: shipping is killer. Keep that in mind, especially if you’re buying heavy items like bags or shoes (yes, K has those, there are several SuperGroupies collabs. If you want a S4 purse or Yata Misaki shoes keep in mind you will probably be paying through the nose for shipping). For the European types, you may have additional taxes too so be aware of your country’s import laws. Ditto when it comes to customs. For my fellow Americans, I have never had a customs issue even when buying fairly pricey dresses so you’re probably okay on that end but I can’t speak for other countries. 

Character tax is real. Basically, more popular characters will likely have more expensive merch because there’s more demand — for example, Fushimi and Yata merch tends to be more expensive than, say, Silvers merch. Keychains and pins are usually cheaper than larger items like figures and standees either way though. 

Most of the Japanese sites will need to be searched in Japanese. For character names, I suggest going to the K wiki and grabbing your favorite character’s name in kanji and using that to search. For pairings, while marketplace sites like Mercari may have listings under the pairing name sites like Suruga will use the two individual character names so you’ll want to search under that. If your browser doesn’t have an add on to translate that’s very helpful to grab in order to make your experience easier. For K itself, in general this is really the downside of having a favorite series with a one letter title. However, using ‘Missing Kings,’ ‘Return of Kings’ or ‘Seven Stories’ can be helpful here but will likely mostly turn up merch made for that specific season/movie. 

If you want to look up something specific like a plush but don't know the Japanese word for it, Jisho can be helpful. Look up the kanji for the word you want and then copy-paste into your search. The downside is sometimes there are multiple words for the same thing or a word may be in kanji but people use the hiragana more often and you won't know, but it should get you on the right path to start.

On buying spicier goods: most shopping services have it in their terms that they will not buy adult items. In practice, however, this depends. I've had FromJapan refuse to buy perfectly tame G-rated doujinshi. Treasure Japan has in their terms that they won't ship adult items but like 70% of my doujinshi collection was purchased through them, with an R18 Sarumi book purchased as recently as last year. I've heard Buyee also states that they won't ship adult items but it's hit or miss if they turn down your order, and if you buy directly using Tenso they likely won't even open your package. Keep your country's laws regarding importing in mind, especially if you think customs might be likely to poke around in your package. Don't get in legal trouble just for spicy drawings.

Buying secondhand is a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes it takes a while for what you want to show up, so just keep looking! When I was collecting my nui set I literally bookmarked the search for “K ぬい” (nui) on Mercari and checked every day or so, which may be more obsessive than you want but it does get the job done (I was molded in the merch search mines of trying to find lolita dresses that haven’t been sold for 10 years, so I’m used to this kind of thing). If you keep looking you may even find things you didn't know you needed, like this Sarumi bedsheet I forgot to add into my collection post.

Happy hunting!

[hyperlexichypatia]

This survey of why parents are estranged from their adult children is such an interesting illustration of how neurobigotry functions in society and interpersonal relationships. People accuse their estranged family members of being Mad/neurodivergent, because Madness is synonymous with being at fault in a relationship. It's considered inherently Reasonable and Justified to cut ties with a Mad/neurodivergent person -- especially an untreated-by-choice Mad/neurodivergent person -- because to be Mad/neurodivergent is to be inherently wrong, inherently unreasonable, inherently burdensome, inherently the one who is not abiding by the social compact.

Or as one of my friends put it, "Mental illness exists as a sociopolitical concept of ontological wrongness."

One of the pervasively enduring aspects of neurobigotry is that people who have been abused by neurobigotry will, instead of rejecting neurobigotry, simply accept it and turn it around on their abusers. People think they're really onto something with "No, it is my abusive parents who are mentally ill and need therapy" or "No, it is the people in power who are mentally defective" or "Racism/capitalism/bigotry are the real mental illness!"

But you can't dismantle the master's house with the master's tools. Pathologizing your parents doesn't correct the power imbalance of being pathologized by them, and using pathologization as a way to convey wrongness is still reifying pathologization and neurobigotry.

The context of family estrangement reminds me of this thought process I started about the construction of "cults." When the anti-cult movement began, it was centered on family members of people who'd joined new religious movements. The premise that people who joined religious groups their families didn't approve of were victims of "cult brainwashing" who needed to be "rescued" and "deprogrammed" (against their will, of course) was a tool of controlling families trying to deny their (usually) adult children's right to freedom of religion and general life choices. The idea that "cults" caused family estrangement was an integral aspect of the moral panic around them.

But over the decades, the stigma on "cults" has shifted. The contemporary anti-cult movement is fueled by people who grew up in abusive religious communities and chose to leave. It's applied as often to older, larger, established religious groups as it is to newer, smaller ones. While the original anti-cult movement largely centered on parents trying to control their adult children, the newer anti-cult movement largely centers on adults who've broken away from their parents' control.

Except. Except. It still uses the pathologization framework established in the 1970s. It's still a reversal -- No, it is you, the parents, the church, the authority, who are the Mentally Ill, the cult, the deviant, the ones in need of being fixed -- rather than a rejection or reframing: Actually, young people should be free to choose their own path in life.

It's not only applied in relationships between parents and children -- it's even more commonly invoked in breakups between former friends or partners. People feel the need to establish which party was Mentally Ill and Needed Therapy as a proxy for which party was At Fault in the breakup. In reality, breaking up doesn't necessarily mean either party was At Fault, but it's more socially acceptable to say "We had to break up because he's Mentally Ill and Refused To Get Help" rather than "We just didn't get along." Discussions of bad and badly-ended relationships are just constant rounds of uno reverse allegations of Madness/neurodivergence.

One of my least favorite examples is trying to "rebut" the neuromisogynistic trope of "Women are crazy" with "Men cause women to become crazy." Why are you validating "Women are crazy" by trying to "explain" it? Why are you accepting the premise that "crazy" is a bad thing? Why are you reifying the idea that being "crazy" has to be "caused" by something "bad"? If a man says "I broke up with my ex-girlfriend because she's crazy!" why validate the neuromisogyny with "No, you're crazy!" or "You must have made her crazy!" instead of challenging it with "What's wrong with being 'crazy'? What does that have to do with anything?"

If someone says "I stopped speaking to my child because they refused to seek therapy," why validate the neurobigotry with "You're the one who needs therapy!" instead of challenging it with "Why is their choice whether or not to seek therapy any of your business?"

[mxmeiyun]

(Kristina comes on around the 3:42 mark.)

Do you see the edits? "I do see the edits. I don't see all of them, but I've seen quite a few. Sometimes I watch these things and I'm like, I was there. I did the scene. I did the scene ten times. Why am I crying?"

When asked about the Mother Superion and Jillian ship: "God knows that, well. Both of them need somebody to love and to love them... Like Mommy, I mean mother, I mean."

"The saddest part is we don't know when we'll see each other again." 😭

Is Beatrice a tea or coffee person? "Tea. I feel she'll know how to prepare every single type of tea and she'll she'll be very anal about how to do that. And she'd probably yell at Ava for doing her tea wrong or whatever."

Is Beatrice really royalty? "No, I don't believe so."

On following ice hockey: "Yeah, the only thing you need to know is don't whack people with the stick no matter how much you want to."

On Beatrice's name: "Sally's gonna haunt me forever. I'll hear it in my dreams, softly whispering in my ear. Sally. Sally. I'll wake up in cold sweats, screaming."

About who's the big spoon: "I think they spoon interchangeably. Take that as you will."

Obviously you're aware of how much of an impact the character Beatrice has had on so many people. But how has she personally impacted you, and what have you taken away from her that you would like to bring to your own life? "Decorum." "I think there's a there's a sense of confidence, even if you are not. Confident in all of yourself, you can still be confident in the parts that you are secure in, and you know your skills. If you're not ready to be completely open and live your truth in full honesty, then it doesn't mean that you still can't have integrity and confidence and stand up for yourself. And integrity of character and belief in my skills that Beatrice has cultivated already, and that I definitely, when I started playing her, I was like, I am an imposter. I'm gonna get fired from the show immediately." "But like you get that feeling when you go to work or whatever. You go to school. You're like, I do not know any of the things that I know and then you slowly start to realize that you do know, and then you're like, OK, I can hold on to that and make that my my backbone for now until I'm ready to face all the other things that I know to be true about myself, but I'm not ready to project into the world or or represent in the in openly in the world."

If you could spend a day with any of the characters, who would it be and why? "I think I'd have a pretty good time with Ava."

Do you think you're more like Ava or Beatrice? "It just kind of depends on the situation. I feel like if you just talk to me and we're like really good friends for a long time, I might come off more like Ava. But I feel like if I'm not really that close to you, I might come off more as a Beatrice."

How are you taking care of yourself in light of today's news? "Well, first of all, thank you. I'm doing fine. I am in therapy. Therapy great, guys." "It certainly feels like a massive hit to the community, and to us, as well. It's important to take those feelings that are coming up now and try to cultivate them into how you can- I'm just speaking for myself, I can't speak for anybody else- but for me it's about how can I turn these feelings into something useful for me going forward rather than languishing in it for too long. Obviously, your feelings are valid and should be felt to their fullest extent, but don't let them consume you, because then that's not doing anyone service." "Someone taught me a method in acting school, my improv teacher, and he said, 'Whenever something bad happens in your life, pretend you're going into this helicopter. The further up you go in that helicopter, the smaller the problem is, the more you can see around you and the more you can see how that problem does or does not affect everything else around your helicopter. And put into context of how you can affect change positively once you come back to the ground, once you're in the midst of it rather than staying too close to the to the issue at hand and and not actually realizing all the other things that are going on." "I think that's that thinking has helped me a lot whenever something kind of goes wrong or things are not going the way I want them to. But take time for self-care. That's like the most important. If you feel like things are overwhelming then it's always important to look at the things to reprioritize um and always prioritize yourself. Spend your own health and your own wellbeing." "Because anything in life, even if it seems like a little thing like this show got cancelled and now you're upset, you know it might seem to some people like a little thing, but their opinion is not a priority. Your wellbeing is a priority, so always keep that in mind." "And HYDRATE."

Responding to a comment about Beatrice really resonating with a lot of fans and praise of her performance, time, and energy: "Thank you... Beatrice launched my career so she's one that i'm definitely going to hold to heart for many many years to come."

Reflecting on her increased visibility: "You know, at this point, it's not a burden. At this point, I can do this with you guys and it's completely fine. It's the same thing with anything; when something new starts happening, you learn to deal with it and where your boundaries are. I've been so lucky that you guys are all so respectful, and I really, really appreciate that from all of you. It's definitely not the norm for every fandom, so it's incredibly special what you have made this to be. So I commend all of you and I'm so grateful."

Were you shocked by the broad reach of the show, or was it something you anticipated? "Definitely. I was surprised when the first season came out, it was so globally successful. I mean, that just goes to show that some subject matter is felt all around the world. And a beauty of Warrior Nun is that there are so many characters everywhere around the world you can definitely find one that you can root for."

Responding to one fan whose wife has recently passed, and with whom she watched the show with love: "Oh my God, you're gonna make me cry. First of all, so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how that must be, and I applaud your courage. Thank you. I'm glad this show can be a good memory for you guys and continuing forward. That there's something you can always remember with a warm heart."

Responding to love from Brazil: "I fear if I ever go to Brazil."

"Fear not the bowl of rice, 'tis but a bowl of rice."

Responding to one of the APOP producers wanting to make sure none of their tweets made her uncomfortable: "I'm, like, fully aware of what I've gotten myself into." Do you see all those, Christina? Like, I know there's a joke that you have a burner account, but. "No, I don't. This is my only account."

"I feel like if the pope joins this conversation, he'll no longer be able to call himself His Holiness." Did you see the Warrior Nun stan that recommended the show to the Pope? "No?! Nice... Yeah, somebody just has to tell him to skip that episode, you know?"

*Records an alarm sound for a fan named Janina with increasing intensity*

Wait, Kristina, can you say gay rights? "Wait, what about it?" Just the phrase. "Gay rights." *awkward cheers* "Really lukewarm cheers from the crowd."

Kristina, to Ange Hall: "Well, actually, and I have a question for you. Tell me again, what was the progression of the dickwaffle conversation?" "I feel like Netflix being harassed by penis waffles- someone needs to draw the art of." "Make it rain dickwaffles. No, I mean, obviously, do it respectfully. But like, respectfully make it rain dickwaffles. For legal reasons this is completely a joke. But also, you can't really get mad at dickwaffles. Like, come on."

[tagthescullion]

Do you have any headcanons about Octavian (still can't believe we got Luke's entire tragic multifaceted backstory but we never even got Octavian's last name)?

I'll admit my idea of octavian comes from those politicians who want greatness by staying traditional so:

(yes this is long)

his family is one of the oldest in CJ/NR, he's a descendant of apollo but also of a bunch of other gods

as with any other community, secret, mythological, or plain common, the second half of the 20th century brought the need to become strong and powerful which means octavian's parents, grandparents, etc did everything in their power to solidify their family's hold on NR's power

then the 21st century brought the idea of opening society to the different (speaking ideally and etc etc), of being less strict, less controlled, less severe with rules

octavian's family hated this, I mean, they were powerful bc their roots were tied to the legion from long before the gods were even in the US! who tf were these upstarts like jason grace or reyna r. arellano who had no demigod ancestors?? no parents living in the city to show them how everything was done!!

octavian himself was probably less worried about how demigodish or not these kids were but he was fond of their heritage and he was used to his name meaning something, jason's liberal and radical ideas about un-roman-ising discipline and traditions.. well, I don't think the english for "le vino por las pelotas" exists, but go translate that

and, don't get me wrong, ofc excessive nationalism (or whatever that for smaller communities is) leads to bad places, but at first, nobody thought it was so strange. the guy was proud of who he was, of his family, he was secluded from mortals from a young age, what was wrong with him defending his culture from demigods who popped up and imposed their own ways to camp's?? (we all know how hard defending one's culture can be in the US)

in canon it's implied octavian blackmails and bribes his way into power, but with figures like jason and reyna having the 'official' power, that's not quite likely, he'd have been exiled long before, so it's more likely he played a sort-of-luke but instead of offering comfort and emotional affection, he offered a symbolic place in NR's society

"my family extends an offering for lunch this weekend" from octavian means a shitload to people who want power but have no connections of their own

and octavian wasn't probably too bad as a person if one wasn't conflictive (as long as one doesn't openly speak of politics, football, and religion, conversations can remain civil)

his dislike towards jason comes in part from jason being way too chill for a traditional roman despite being the son of the king of the gods, and from jealousy. jason seems to be a nice, popular, powerful kid who was given respect for the sake of existing, not so much for his merits at first

but that dislike was his own doom bc jason had his own friends, so there was probably a sort of division between "I like this one/I like the other"

at first it was probably just a jokey thing, like "ooh losers, we won the war games this time!" but shit like that can hit the fan fast if the times get conflictive

and conflictive is an understatement, two wars in two years?? (officially, the first one lasted two years most likely, but y'know) that's putting everybody in a bad and wary mood, everybody's paranoid, everyone's tense, that can only end in massive disaster

specially bc octavian's clever and he'd have badmouthed jason to make him less powerful. with his future seeing superpower, he probably saw jason enjoying "the enemy's" company and assumed it was kronos' side rather than the greeks (tho ofc to him the greeks would also have been the enemy)

anyway, jason becoming praetor was a punch in the gut for a guy who wanted traditions to prevail, and who failed to convince people even through a whole war!

[genderqueerdykes]

opinion on twinks ? i feel like they are ONLY used to joke abt and then throw under the bus and it makes me extremely upset as someone who identifies as one . i feel like im the only one who cares

opinion on twinks: wonderful, radiant, a gift to our society, desired, loved, needed, appreciated

i agree with you, actually- i used to be friends with some transfeminine people who genuinely thought it was funny to say they were "twinkphobic" and meant it- they genuinely would go on and on about how they hated twinks because i guess? people would confuse them for twinks, which is not the twinks' faults, but rather transmisogynistic society's fault. i don't get the hatred, i really don't, and even as a bear i felt so uncomfortable around these women when they'd go on these rants, as a gay man. i'm transfeminine, but the gay community is my community, and i'm not okay with people throwing any gays under the bus, for any reason.

there's nothing wrong with being a thin effeminate queer person, people really just love to show they asses especially when it comes to straight up being homophobic. people will love to clamor and say they love gay men but then instantly throw twinks under the bus and then go on to say that bears are gross and hunks aren't gay. people love to be homophobic and pretend like they arent; like gays can't win, even among other queers, people find ways to bully and mock us, make us feel bad for expressing ourselves and berate gays for how they choose to dress, look and act. it's not cute, it's not funny, it's literal homophobia.

also every person who gives thin and/or pre-T transmascs & trans men shit for being twinks deserves to get smacked at least 150 times. if you are claiming that you dislike twinks because of transmascs, i need you to think long and hard about why the hell you're so transandrophobic and how you can afford to take a long walk far, far away from queer spaces until you sort that shit out. there are just as many if not more cis twinks than transmasc twinks, knock that shit right the hell off, also don't call trans men twinks in order to emasculate them, because it's not even an insult in the first place.

most thin people don't choose to be thin, why the hell are we body shaming people? even if someone is choosing to be thin, oh well? that's how they want their body to look? they may also be struggling with an ED, which deserves compassion? or maybe feel guilty about their body in a fatphobic society, which also deservse compassion? oh you hate men/mascs/people who meticulously groom and care about their presentation? that's literally what cishet men rag on gays for. can we talk about this?

i've heard some people say they hate twinks because twinks are the "socially acceptable gays"- that's not even true, what the hell does that even mean? cishet society still hates twinks, just because occasionally an effeminate skinny white cis gay man becomes successful doesn't mean that twinks are accepted by cishet society- they're not. it's not okay to bully and abuse twinks just because they have a marginally smaller chance of being hate crimed

so basically what i'm saying is this shit makes me angry and i'm with you, i care, and i don't think it's funny to throw any type of queer under the bus, it's literally just punching down on other queers and it's not helping. great to know some people still have internalized queerphobias and have zero intention of getting past them, but that's not where i'm at. i'm not here for creating hostile and violent spaces

[wickjump]

What's your opinion on Bitties

Like

Are they more pets??? People??? People you keep as pets???

Would it be morally okay for a bitty killer and normal sized Cross to date???

Idk I just want your opinion on this please please please please please please please

I love bitties. They are my favorite thing ever and I’m in the middle of drawing my sona with them actually. As for morality and how I view bitties, it’s different compared to a lot of peoples’ interpretations.

I personally like to view them as pets without sentience higher than that of a dog or cat, but that’s just me. I don’t feel personally comfortable with the idea of ‘owning’ another human being, so oftentimes I make them animalistic—physically, too. Long skeletal tails, while they can be bipedal they’re just as often quadrupeds and often sit like quadrupeds, have those rat-like feet you see everywhere, little paws and paw pads, and don’t have the ability to speak. And I would never date a bitty or anything, especially because of those animalistic traits. Zero way for them to consent because they don’t have that type of communication. Though most of the time I draw them standing/sitting like ‘normal’ people because quadrupeds are the one thing I can’t draw.

They’re a type of pet that resemble characters I like, in my opinion. Both in looks and temperament. Though I also toy with the idea of them being more ‘human-like’ because it can be fun, I get uncomfortable easily depending on how they’re treated or the worldbuilding surrounding them. I like personally comparing them to rats because they scurry around like rats and got tails and feet like rats and they’re terribly ratlike

Some people characterize them as children or child-like, which can get iffy very easily. It depends heavily on how they’re treated and what their ‘purpose’ is in-world. Them being childlike can be okay under certain circumstances but it can get sour quickly. Do you treat them like you’d treat any other ‘normal’ child? Do you make it accessible for them to function normally, so they don’t depend on your every whim, like how a normal-sized child is able to access the fridge when you’re away? Do you leave them home alone, or does someone watch over them? Are their emotional needs and physical needs met? Do they have agency and control over aspects in their lives? Would they be protected by law from mistreatment? These questions are important with discussing morality.

I personally wouldn’t view it as morally okay for a bitty a normal sized person/monster to date. Even if they’re characterized as just normal and mature people but smaller, I feel the power imbalance is wild. You purchase and own bitties, you’re often the sole caretaker for those bitties, those bitties are unable to function on their own, and that could turn toxic very easily. When you’re fully able to withhold basic needs with nobody to stop you, that can get fucked up pretty quickly. But again that’s my own thing, I’m sure there are people out there who’ve made it so they can date and it be morally okay, through the power of insane worldbuilding, but it’s just not my jam.

Ultimately though I don’t really care about the morals of having bitties too much because they’re little skeleton buddies and the people who make them mean no harm with them. Similarly to how characters in TV shows will have animal/magical companions that speak, are either adult-like mature or childish, and have sentience, but not any real agency over their lives, yet we don’t discuss the morality of those. It’s made with silly fun goofy intent and not any glorification of real-life dark topics.

As long as you don’t abuse the bitty or date-slash-screw the bitty I really don’t care too much (though there’s obviously exceptions that i will end up caring too much about).

I also like to think bitties are all artificially made and physically genderless too, ‘gender’ is assigned by species rather than physical traits (so genderless and ‘female’ bitties exist too), but that’s my own headcanon

[ahsoka-in-a-hood]

Started thinking about temple living quarters.

The standard I see in fic is private apartments, shared with a padawan if there is one, usually with a small kitchen and so on, like a regular apartment. It stands empty when they go away. TCW shows fairly small dorm-like rooms occasionally, but animation is expensive, so. I've also seen the term padawan-dorm referred to with confidence, so that probably crops up in a book somewhere. I was thinking about semi-communal living, in a place without nuclear families and

how particularly when it comes to cooking, whenever I've been in a situation where I'm close to the people I'm living near, cooking and eating solo were the first to be compromised and become a communal activity. I stayed private with most things but not that, at least not most meals.

how jedi aren't even at the temple most of the time when they are active, because they're supposed to be serving the whole galaxy, so whatever quarters they would have would be standing empty most of the time, and on a planet that is notoriously short on living space to boot

I don't remember the source but I remember a reference to the temple historically using it's towers as a beacon, sheltering people in times of disaster. Not having completely private apartments for jedi would free up space to serve as refuge and so on.

They're not supposed to accumulate possessions, strictly speaking. ...which doesn't necessarily mean having nothing, but maybe they don't have a habit of collecting personal furniture so much? Or just an excess of stuff? Idk.

Privacy is essential but at the same time spending so much time on the move makes the idea of returning to a solitary apartment on your time off kind of lonely. Especially if you have to cook all your own food. (I may be fixating on the kitchens here)

Also for masters and padawans it might be nice to have a break from each other at the temple and see other friends more, tbh

I like the idea of them just having a bunch of communal spaces scattered around, where even if their rooms are small, there's lots of places to hang out with each other and catch up, or relax by themselves if they want.

And maybe they have smaller but still shared kitchens rather than one big industrial scale kitchen? It's just not restricted to a single knight who is barely there. Maybe jedi cook together as bonding thing.

Baths? Communal baths? Like Roman or Korean style.

Imagine a bunch of half-finished art projects just lying around, untouched until the jedi in question gets back from wherever.

I could go even further and bring up the concept of no bedrooms everyone just takes out their bedrolls from a closet and sleeps side by side on a clean (under-heated) floor, which is something I have experienced.

[insipid-drivel]

Read the horse fact post, with all the things that isn't actually true of horses and stuff and.

Yeah the weight limit is a time.

The most horse riding i have done is Sit on the back of a horse in kindergarten while an adult lead the horse around in a big circle pretty much.

However, my older sister used to do horseback riding, and spesifically like that one fancy sport where you have then jump over things and stuff.

But, she isn't that healthy, i Will be fully honest, she is overweight. And she had to stop because she became too heavy. Which sucks! Because i Know she loves horses and would love to do it again.

Unfortunately, a lot of equestrian sports can be limiting to heavier people depending upon what the sport in question is. It's pretty unusual to see anyone over about 200lbs doing impact-heavy sports on horseback (such as jumping fences) without a horse that's appropriately sized and trained to deal not only with the regular weight of their rider + tack, but also the shocks of jumping/jolting around with ANY kind of heavy weight directly over their spines. Even in professional horse racing (like the Kentucky Derby), the riders of the racehorses (jockeys) are specifically hired based upon how small and lightweight they are, which has negatively impacted how we see horseback riding + big people today in a serious way. Jockeys only need to be small and lightweight for racing because being smaller means the horse has less extra weight to carry while trying to outpace other horses, and since it's professional racing most of us get any knowledge of horse-related stuff from, it's very easy to fall into the trap of self-gatekeeping if you're not a tiny little jockey-sized person when you shouldn't feel that way!

It SUCKS telling someone they're too heavy to Do A Thing or, in some cases (especially if you're in spaces with very limited sizes of horses), too heavy to ride at all, but I would still recommend you and/or your sister look around for teaching ranches with horses or alternative riding techniques for accommodating larger bodies in a way that won't put the horse or rider in danger. Your sister should not have to go on an extreme diet to lose weight in order to have a great time with horses. That is a myth perpetuated by the racing industry.

If your sister and/or yourself would like to try to explore equestrianism in a much more weight-friendly setting, try looking into Carriage Racing. It looks like this:

Carriage racing is an awesome way for people who, due to mobility issues, weight restrictions, or outright disability, want to work with horses, ride, and even compete with a more accommodating setup to traditional saddle-and-bridle riding. It's a throwback to Roman and Egyptian chariot warfare, racing, and sportsmanship, and is still practiced casually and as competitive sports today:

Because the horse is pulling the rider rather than carrying the rider, you're likely to find much more accommodating forms of horsemanship for people with bigger bodies if you forego riding and instead try out something like a carriage setup. Without as much direct weight on their spines, a horse is likely to handle a heavier person much better, and carriage setups also give the option of more than one horse to share in pulling a carriage or cart.

Carriage racing is more commonly viewed as a sport in Britain and the former UK due to Prince Philip championing it during his later years when he wasn't healthy enough to play conventional games of polo or take part in more contact-heavy sports. Carriage racing is also practiced in North America, but it isn't nearly as popularized or discussed as traditional racing like the Kentucky Derby. You're more likely to find carriage racing and teaching schools wherever you can find Amish and Mennonite communities in the US and Canada, but looking into teaching ranches in and around your area may reveal places to go that you never knew were actually there! (Horse people are kind of notorious for sucking at networking outside of facebook and very niche community pages, ngl)

If horses really bring a great benefit to your sister's life and she's struggling to find accommodations so she can ride, let her take a look at single-person carriage riding and see if that's more of an attainable thing for her! "Racing" is the usual term applied to it, but carriage riding can be learned and practiced in very quiet, non-competitive, low-impact settings for fun rather than as a full-on professional sport, and can even be a marketable skill! There's very much a business industry around carriage horses and riders, especially in the wedding industry.

Please know that I am not, and will not, in any way pressure you or your sister to lose weight in order to ride again. There are accommodations out there, and nobody should feel hopeless that they'll never achieve their dream of spending time working with horses if that's what they want to do. What is a problem is how little these alternative and more weight-and-disability-friendly equestrian sports are publicized and shared so disabled and overweight people can feel welcome in equestrian spaces.

Horses and equestrianism is not, and never has, been limited to one particular body type or a person's physical ability. There have ALWAYS been weight- and disability- friendly forms of equestrianism, and horses are increasingly popular in therapeutic settings as therapy animals for helping people suffering from major issues like PTSD find confidence and a sense of comfort and non-judgment. No matter your weight or degree of mobility or ability, you shouldn't feel "too" anything about looking into horses, riding, and equestrianism as an outlet or passion.

[firegirl888101]

just wondering, what if reader was like. super popular with the girls(or guys. or both) would the harbingers get jealous?

ik this is a pretty dumb ask, but I gave it a shot💀

I'll be answering as a 'what if' and 'canon' for this one!

Before the Harbingers turn Yandere, they won't mind much. It'll annoy them slightly that Y/N, their prisoner, has a lot of people's attention meaning if they were to go missing so suddenly it could cause problems.

However, it won't cause any issues which doesn't have a solution. In their eyes, yandere or not, their sole priority as of when they entered this world is and has foremost been to deliver them to The Tsaritsa.

But, their actual mission will have to be delayed. They'll have to manipulatively control when Y/N goes to college and make them later and later, missing some days, before taking them away back to Teyvat.

Yandere-wise, they'd hate it. Just when they were starting to get used to you, Y/N, taking care of them and letting them help you with your education which deem important... They see you being followed by many humans similar to your age back to your house. You claim not to be interested with them, and find them nothing more as acquaintances.

But is that really the truth? You've lied to them a lot recently, especially when they first met you in the flesh. What's to say you're lying now to not only save yourself, but to save those pigs who see themselves as friends to you?

The Harbingers would get Childe and Columbina on the case. They look closest to your age, and are the most charismatic out of all the harbingers. If anyone can sneakily follow you to your college and threaten talk to those whom follow you around, it's them. The two would blend in with the students and act like newcomers, only approaching you when you ask them how they're there and what they think they're doing.

Childe and Columbina will somehow adjust to college life and glue themselves to your side. Soon enough, the crowds will get smaller and smaller. Those who seem too confident to stay by your side and dismiss their warnings will find either a limb missing, or themselves missing. They won't worry about the details either way, those who annoy the two harbingers will find themselves dead in unexplainable ways.

And the best part about it, you'll never know where your 'friends' went or why you're suddenly feared in the campus. All the Harbingers will hear you cry in your bedroom, who wouldn't? Unfortunately for you, it had to be done. Wipe your tears, and spend some time with them now, won't you?

Canon:

Nah dw this is pretty interesting - and it lets me communicate through my notes a bit more.

In the actual plot, you'll never see Y/N go to College due to the whole 'Missing' situation. But, I think I can reveal parts of their College life without spoiling too much of the plot.

As I've revealed in the earlier views, Y/N is a rather lazy and carefree person. They don't do much outside of College, and lie to their parents a lot.

Here are some sneaky little hints if anyone is interested:

There is a reason why nobody (college friends) has tried to contact Y/N after finding out that they're missing by the police or the news.

There is a reason why Y/N's other side of the family (their father's) hasn't bothered to help the police search for them.

There is a reason why Y/N hasn't attempted to message a friend or call for help.

There is a reason why Y/N has never, and will never become popular in College. Or any of their school years for that matter.

I think these notes will do nicely for now. Thank you for asking this and if you have any more questions let me know <3

[fancifulplaguerat]

As I continue to scratch like a little beast at the concept of fate in Patho Mark Immortell unfortunately needs to be discussed. Specifically Mark in Patho Classic, because he’s just so……. What the hell is going on with that dandy Mephistopheles. I have to know. 

Mark is clearly cognizant of Patho’s narrative to an extent, and seemingly represents another play on “lines” as a mechanism for prophesying in Patho. As Artemy knows the lines in viscera as a Haruspex, Yulia/the Mistresses know cause-and-effect chains/threads of fate, Mark knows the lines as in theatre. Eva describes Mark’s performances thus: “Staggering, prophetic performances! They predict fates. […] Two ritual Masks pick a volunteer from the crowd. Mark looks at his hands, then shows them to the Masks. They improvise. Without a word they play out either the nearest future or the whole life of the person—depending on the price. And it always comes true!” Notkin says, “They say they tell your fortune, right? Might be just a game, might be note; it does come true. I think though that it’s Mark himself who manipulates the events to align someone’s life with his ideas. […] I mean, [his predictions] do come true, though not every time, and if they don’t, he explains it away as a metaphor, or says they did come true but we didn’t notice.” Notkin differs from Eva’s depiction somewhat; at least, he complicates whether Mark’s performances really come true, and this reliance on metaphor to me is reminiscent of an idea in Patho where obfuscation, story-telling, or performance are the most efficient means to communicate truth (lovely Nina is an apparent exception but I am not talking about that right now <3).

For instance, a Town child tells the player, “Mark—he knows the truth and is afraid to distort it. That’s why he uses masks, puppets, and riddles.” This echoes Katerina’s line, “I can’t leave my smoke and mirrors be […] Because I cannot lie when it comes to details… My lips literally cannot enunciate something that is untrue. Riddles and vagueness leave me a degree of freedom.” Mark himself voices something similar: “Like any game, play-acting is a mere shadow of Existence, a tiny fragment of it, a semblance—not a hollow semblance, mind you, quite the contrary, filled to the brim! Play-acting is fuller than reality... since it’s smaller.” To me, this gestures to how storytelling and theatre—with their ability to exaggerate reality—allow one to address issues in a roundabout way which can be more efficient than clear-cut truth. Simplicity is absolutely a necessary tool, but can inevitably hinder necessary nuance, and I think that is what Patho is getting at here. Similarly, it’s suggested that people *interpret* these plays rather than the acts being clear depictions of future events, e.g. when Mark talks about the bull in the Bone Stake Lot incident: “Everybody started to talk about it, interpreting and reinterpreting the… act. Just like they do with our very own Mask Act here. The prophetic excitement is growing by the hour…” just as he later says, “No, I am no longer a mime show interpreter.” All this suggesting that Mark perhaps interpreted simulacra or semblances, and this is how he understood Pathologic’s narrative.

Characters further suggest that Mark’s Masks did not merely show the future, but enforced it. Daniil says, “You were a puppeteer. Your Masks foretold our future—or maybe imposed it upon us; in all honesty, I don’t see the difference.” Maria similarly states, “his performances don’t show a person’s fate, they impose it,” and Lara says, “Mark’s mime shows seem to incorporate us too… everyone’s playing along to avoid disrupting the performance, and that’s exactly how he’s manipulating us.” I interpret this from the meta angle, because obviously the Theatre demonstrates the game’s events, which the characters act out because. Well. They are characters. Even Mark doesn’t appear above it all, as Lara says “I think it’s the Masks who play him and not the other way around,” and Mark refers to himself as an actor, such as when he muses that “I’ve been thinking about leaving this place of the dead for a while now, but I get the feeling that this is exactly the place for me to fulfill my part…” 

Though, Mark obviously more often references the player’s role as an actor, which again points to his understanding of fate. Namely when he tells Daniil “[The next performance is] for you to decide. You are part of the lineup. The playscript is not yet complete, you see. […] Your fate isn’t bound yet. It will take time, effort, and of course your direct participation. Come to see us every evening. We’ll show how you’re doing bit by bit.” This dialogue is obviously stepped in the meta: the playscript depends on our actions, as the game unfolds according to our choices in words and deeds. This reminds me of how the Mistresses and Simon’s fortune-telling all seems to juxtapose predetermination alongside some kind of free will. That is, while there is room for a player to subtly influence the narrative’s progression, it is obviously all set out for us in the end. It has to end in a particular way, and it feels like this is what Mark understands. Namely when he discusses the three families with Daniil, and when Daniil asks which will be victorious, Immortell says, “You don’t need me to tell you that; the answer is yours. They're so different... Which one do you prefer? […] It's up to you.” Mark knows that the player must inevitably side with one philosophy according to their choices: choice decides the outcome, but that outcome is obviously already determined.

Mark instead tells Clara that she is “against the rules” because she is “an imposter and a changeling.” Against the game’s rules, presumably as Clara is the only character capable of breaking her fate and so going off-script, as it were, in Mark’s performances. In the secret endings, the gamemakers say that Clara’s twin was a “gimmick of choosing one’s own fate” and that “She was indeed conceived as a disease, an instrument of the Law… but she was born a thief. At the very moment of her birth, she got a chance to become someone completely different. The girl came into this world, having stolen for herself the fate of a miracle-worker.” From a mechanical standpoint, Clara is obviously unique in that she has a choice—most people probably know that curing all the Bound allows you any choice, but that aside, Daniil and Artemy have only one decision. So setting aside that Clara obviously is still bound by a preset narrative, she is capable of choosing to oppose her predetermination and thus the capital-L Law, as fate/inevitability/the Law are closely intwined and often conflated. Breaking the Law is indeed ‘miraculous,’ which is referenced in a dialogue between Imortell and Daniil about the Polyhedron: 

Mark Immortell: […] First of all, I also believe in lofty ideals—don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. […] But recently I came to realize something that has blown me out of the water completely and made me reevaluate my worldview. So... I believe in Vlad's transformation. Bachelor: What did you realize? Mark Immortell: That fate can be overcome. I’m so tired of all this... You know, many people consider my shows to be mere tricks—but I know that’s untrue. They are daily reminders of Predetermination reigning over us... it’s depressing. But now I see that a miracle is not completely impossible. Bachelor: Please, go on! What makes it possible? Mark Immortell: It’s the Tower. The only thing that leads the plots of my performances astray is the Tower. The Tower—and everything that has to do with it... those are the only things that cannot be tossed and turned and manipulated like puppets. A miracle overcomes the inevitable. The Tower can do miracles. It all makes sense. Bachelor: I’m not sure it does. Mark Immortell: You will still have an opportunity to ponder it. The Tower is an ambiguous phenomenon. There’s no need to rush to conclusions. I have, as you can see, fallen in love with it... I think of it as my safe haven. But you should keep a cool head.

I am gleeful about this dialogue btw there is so much to work with here. For one, it maintains the link between opposing fate and the miraculous found in Clara’s character, as Mark’s conviction that “fate can be overcome” derives from the Polyhedron’s capacity for miracles. Again, then, the miraculous is positioned opposite inevitability and fate. But what is Mark’s actual relationship to Utopia and the Utopians? I have always wanted to throw up blood over Daniil and Mark’s final conversation. When he tells Mark, “I thought that the whole point of the Utopians’ ideology was neglecting the laws of fate and the limits it imposes upon us,” to which Mark replies, “You are correct, oh the keenest of the astute! So what? I have cognized this side of Existence from backstage, so to speak; from where the strings go and the machinery is hidden—and yet I willingly swore allegiance to the Utopia. Does that tell you nothing?” That line goddamn haunts me. It always reinforced to me that there is an undercurrent in this game that people should strive for utopia, even if it’s a perpetually doomed endeavor, given Saburov and Eva’s statements to this effect. Mark appears sincere in this, given his “I also believe in lofty ideals” or how he gives his life to Maria; Katerina claims that Maria is the only one who can influence Mark, and indeed we see his collusion with Maria in the Changeling Route. 

But Clara throws potential doubt on Mark’s allegiance to the Utopians when she reports to Katerina, “He’s not one to side with either the Utopians or the Humble. He stands apart.” [or] “Maria thinks he’s under her charms and in the ranks of the utopians. He’s playing along [with her]. But that’s not how it really is!” I think Mark could well be playing along with Maria, considering a dialogue with Andrey where he suggests that Mark “Claims that the local mimes can tell the future. As for me, I think he’s making fun of the Mistresses—and, by extension, of us all.” Maria herself says of him, “He makes me anxious; his performances don’t show a person’s fate, they impose it. I’d really like to see someone grab and pull the puppeteer’s strings. […] one day I shall tame this crafty imp—no matter what it takes.” “Makes me anxious”?? Maria of Scarlet Mistress fame ??? This reminds me of Mark’s voice lines “There is a great ability in knowing how to conceal one's ability,” and “It is sometimes necessary to play the fool to avoid being deceived by cunning men.” These lines need not necessarily be related, but imply a deceptive character that suggests he could be following Maria’s lead out of amusement.

Another suggestion that Mark is taking the piss is that he quotes Professor Pangloss from Candide, who represents the naïve optimism and theodicy Voltaire lambasts: “All is for the best in this best of the worlds” (Всё к лучшему в этом лучшем из миров/Tout est pour le mieux dans le meilleur des mondes possibles). The Utopians are not necessarily naïve optimists, but are dreamers who ascribe to the miraculous, even emphatically self-proclaimed rationalist Daniil. Theodicy also intended to vindicate divine justice, and Patho’s narrative involves its own ‘divine justice’ through plague; so Mark quoting Pangloss feels quite tongue-in-cheek to me. 

Whether Mark is a sincere Utopian… As with everything, it’s open to interpretation. I think he is, given that dialogue with Daniil. Mark seems aware that he is only pulling people’s strings in that his performances reflect a predetermination that he is subjected to as much as everyone else. He appears genuinely intrigued by the miraculous (as in: fate can be broken) in his claim that he has fallen in love with the Polyhedron as Daniil or Eva. Likewise that he claims Clara is a “worthy opponent” as a miracle-maker, given that she defies fate and so overcomes the inevitable. I find it particularly notable that Mark considers the one thing that ‘leads the plots his performances astray’ his “safe haven;” but, I also think Mark is frankly cheeky about the whole affair because of his narrative awareness which also sets him apart from other characters. 

[britishassistant]

Gale’s Excellent Adventure (2)

Gale thinks that things are going well so far!

They’ve met and recruited a githyanki warrior—the first Gale’s ever seen outside of illuminations in scholarly texts!—and a rather dashing warlock who answers to the moniker “The Blade of the Frontiers”.

The fellow was hunting a war-devil, who turned out to be an unaccountably lovely tiefling with an infernal engine in her chest as well as a mindflayer tadpole on the brain.

He is looking forward to learning more about this exotic trio over the course of their travels together. And he’s learned so much more about his current companions too!

He now knows that Shadowheart is a cleric of a deity she will not name, but one that prizes secrecy and an intimate knowledge of torture and interrogation tactics among its followers.

(He’s relatively certain it’s not Mystra. Relatively. Almost probably.)

That Astarion channels the innate cruelty and ruthlessness of his profession into being very skilled at stabbing people in the vitals and relieving them of any valuables they possessed.

(Also he contains a puckish glee for “odd” names. He was in stitches over “Wyll-with-a-Y” for hours.)

That Yuu has yet to receive any formal training as a bard or a combatant, but improvises with what few cantrips they do know to devastating effect.

(They’re trading him magical items for lessons on the Weave. Gale’s surprised at how he enjoys it.)

There’s been a few…fractious moments between certain individuals who shall remain nameless, but he’s certain everyone will be fast friends soon enough! They’re all in this together, bonded over getting rid of the mindflayer tadpoles.

And best of all, no one’s noticed a thing.

He’s been patient, and observant, and has learned enough by now to mimic the spasms the others get when their tadpoles are…tadpoling. Their mental communications are harder to fake, but nothing a sneaky “detect thoughts” can’t fix.

Yes, he’s blended in splendidly, if he does say so himself.

***

“Gale? Can I have a word?”

“Hm?” He looks round, drawn out of his musings by one of his new friends. “Ah, Shadowheart! How can I be of help?”

She glances around, taking in Karlach debating with Lae’zel, Astarion needling Yuu while they’re trying to hold a conversation with Wyll.

“It’s a bit of a…personal matter.” She leans in. “Would you mind if we took this somewhere more private?”

Oh. Oh!

Well, this is a little awkward. Gale knows he’s handsome man and a capable wizard. It’s only natural that, in such close proximity for so long, someone would fall in love with him sooner or later.

Still, he reflects as they arrive in the ruins behind the camp. His dedicated monogamy to Mystra does mean that he has little to no idea how to let someone down gently or ask if he can get to know them a little better first before committing fully. She certainly provided no example—swept in with power and a whirlwind romance only to just vanish into the night and never respond to his sendings or prayers. Oh hells, how is he going to—

“I know you don’t have a tadpole, Gale.” Shadowheart announces gravely.

Gale promptly chokes on his own spit.

“Wh-wh-what?!” He splutters. “What are you—how—that’s—!”

“Really?” She tilts her head at him, a cross between sardonic and pitying. “That’s all it takes for you to break? Gale, I made one statement. Do I need to teach you how to lie so the others don’t unmask you so easily?”

“I don’t know what—?” He tries to lie, but she folds her arms, stare growing even more unimpressed. “Alright, alright, but not so loud! How in Mystra’s name did you find out?”

“It really wasn’t that difficult.” She shrugs.

He lets out a little snort, kicking a twig. “Spare my feelings, why don’t you.”

Shadowheart sighs, taking pity on his pouting. “Fine. It started in the Druid sanctum. When we happened upon the druidess menacing the tiefling child, the rest of us were treated to a…rather unpleasant vision. Involving a much smaller Yuu, an elven beauty, and attempted horn removal.”

He feels as though he cricks something in his neck, whipping around to face her. “I’m sorry, there was what?”

“It doesn’t matter,” She dismisses, far too casually in his humble opinion. “What matters is that, given that Astarion and myself were both effectively deaf, dumb, and blind thanks to the tadpoles forcing us to view that charming little scene, how were you able to remain aware enough to keep Yuu from impulsively murdering that druid?”

He thinks of how he’d had to lunge when he noticed the tailless tiefling tugging free the spear they’d scavenged, the way the teenager had turned to him with glassy-eyed incomprehension before they shuddered back into themselves as if shaking off lingering night terrors.

“The pieces fell into place from there easily enough.” Shadowheart continues, meandering as she talks. “You react a moment too late if something the tadpoles do affects us physically. And you respond like a normal person ought to when confronted with other instances of the parasite that we’ve come across.”

“I see.” Gale mutters. Then, fiddling at his sleeves slightly. “A normal person, as opposed to…?”

Shadowheart’s face creases into a disgusted grimace. “An abiding compulsion from our guests to find more of the little monsters and slurp them down as if they’re a bowl of your fine stew.”

“Ah. Urgh.” Gale can’t keep his own nose from wrinkling.

The two of them marinate in companionably disgusted silence for a few moments.

“…And now?” Gale asks, unable to bear the silence any longer. “Is this where you announce to hither, thither and yon that I’m a fraud? Or did you have some personal retribution planned for my disseminations before proceeding with my banishment?”

A soft, sweet smile curves Shadowheart’s lips. Even with the mischievous twinkle in her eyes, it’s one of Gale’s favorite expressions of hers.

“Well, I wouldn’t say we need to go as far as all that. You’ve been a fine companion, Gale, even without the tadpole. I feel the tenor of this group would drop dramatically if you left us. The quality of our meals certainly would.”

A single ember of hope sparks into a quivering flame in his chest. “So then—!”

“But,” She holds up a finger to interrupt him. “I will require something in return. A guarantee, of sorts. I’m hardly Lady Popularity, after all, and if the others discover I’ve been lying for you then things could get quite sticky for me, you understand?”

He dithers for a moment, before letting himself nod. “Anything. I’ll do anything—ah, short of harming or endangering our fellow companions. Or myself. Or you.”

She tosses him a sardonic look. “Gale, would I ever?”

He elects not to answer that.

“I need you to keep an eye out for something.” Shadowheart says. “It’s a…keepsake of mine. I had it with me on the Nautiloid, but when I woke up afterwards, it was gone.”

“Oh. Oh dear.” Gale frowns, considering. “Well, I’m happy to aid however I can. What does it look like?”

She kneels down and, picking up a twig, sketches a vague dodecahedron with strange, angular characters decorating its surface. “It’s a little smaller than a fist, and black with orange markings. It is vital I get it back, it—! It means a lot to someone very important to me. Someone I’d hoped to reunite with in Baldur’s Gate.”

And call him a soft touch, but Gale’s always been partial to grand romantic gestures of devotion. “Alright. I’ll keep a keen eye out for it, don’t you worry. Might even dust off some of the old divination textbooks to see if scrying would be of any use!”

“Thank you, Gale.” Shadowheart smiles, verdant eyes sparkling with warmth like sunlight dappled through tree leaves. “You’re an excellent friend.”

It may be a little embarrassing, but that praise warms the cockles of Gale’s heart for the rest of the evening and well past noon the next day.

That warmth quickly goes tepid when it turns out the keepsake is in the custody of their intrepid leader, so revealed when the teenager pulls it out, bold as brass, to ask him if he can identify whether or not it is some form of communication device.

They at least heed his urging to return it to Shadowheart, even if they grumble slightly about the spies for the Order of the Companion as they do so. Shadowheart is rightfully indignant, but willing to forgive. His secret is safe. Gale is content that all is right with the world.

Which is when they all discover that Yuu literally, physically cannot give up the artefact.

***

“Wizard.”

“Gah!” He can’t help jumping.

“Ah, Lae, Lae’zel! You startled me. Can I help with anything?”

She scowls at him. Or possibly just looks at him neutrally. Perhaps even favorably! He’s never quite been able to tell.

Being too intimidated to maintain eye contact may have something to do with it.

“Follow me.” Lae’zel orders.

As with most of her orders, Gale obeys mostly without question.

Mostly.

“Rather, rather unusual for you to summon me, isn’t it? Not that I don’t enjoy conversing with you, far from it! I’ve always found it highly, ah, enlightening to learn more about githyanki philosophy and custom, particularly in matters of—!”

He finds himself transfixed by a pair of golden eyes staring into his soul and by a finger pressing to his lips.

“Cease this prattle.” She snaps. “You are no yank begging for mercy from a varsh. I have matters of import to discuss, so be silent and listen.”

Despite his usual difficulties with the task, Gale finds himself shrinking mutely back into the tree she has him effectively pinioned against.

A gleam of approval enters her gaze.

He chooses to interpret the removal of her finger as a proverbial carrot to incentivize his behavior.

“I know of your deception, wizard.” Lae’zel pronounces. “That you merely pretend to be afflicted with the parasite the rest of us suffer.”

His blood turns to ice.

“Ha. Hahaha!” He laughs, nonchalantly, like Shadowheart’s taught him. “That is. That is a. Funny joke, Lae’zel! Truly, you are the comedic backbone of this camp!”

Her expression does not change.

Gale tries desperately to concentrate on maintaining the illusion of mirth.

He fails.

“What gave it away?” He asks wearily, recognizing a thorough routing when he sees it.

“It was simple for one such as I.” She declares. “Of all who fell sweating and diminished under the tadpole’s machinations, you alone were flush with health. The gi even used this a proof to keep me from purging the camp.”

“Gi?”

Lae’zel rolls her eyes. “Gi, student in Common. The tailless one requested my instruction in combat, so they would not perish as they almost did aboard the Nautiloid. But that is irrelevant to the matter at hand. Which is that the next morn, you again were the sole member of this sorry band who did not immediately come forward with talk of a figure in golden armor in your dreams, telling us to utilize the tadpole.”

“Ah.” Gale had personally thought his improvisation when Yuu had consulted him, cobbled together from elements he’d overheard from the others, had been rather inspired all things considered. “Might there be anything I could do to convince you to not evict me from camp?”

Lae’zel crosses her arms. “And risk losing what is a blessing from Vlaa’kith herself? Do not be foolish!”

“Erm?” Says Gale.

“I would make you my ally, wizard.” She announces. “As the only one free of ghaik infection, you alone are free of their trickery and deceptions. You alone see things as they truly are, instead of what the parasite would have us believe them be.”

He considers this with a sense that is not quite dread, but is not far off in how it looms over him, makes his breath short under its scale. The anticipation of a burden to bear, perhaps.

“I…suppose so.”

“Do not suppose, know. That is what wizards claim to be their domain, is it not?” She challenges, a cocky bent to her smirk that makes Gale want dearly to rise to it. To prove himself worthy, somehow.

“Very well. And what would this alliance entail?” He queries.

“I would have you as my touchstone. To assure me of what is real and what is mere fabrication.” Lae’zel asserts, in the manner of a commander dispensing orders. “And, should the ghaik infection progress beyond this, aid me in ending the misery of the others and myself.”

Gale does not choke this time, but it’s a near thing.

“You what?!” He squawks. “Lae’zel, you can’t be serious!”

“And why not?!” She fires back. “You, above all others, know the danger of the ghaik! You know what will happen if we are allowed to transform! I will not permit it!!”

“Yes, well, but—! Lae’zel, you asked me to act as touchstone for you.” He implores, seeking out her gaze. “Then let me. This is madness speaking, Lae’zel, the purest folly. Losing you, or any of the others, that could in no way make the world a safer place. If anything—!”

He pounces on this new line of reasoning that has just dawned on him. “If anything, isn’t it far more likely that this is one of the tadpole’s insidious commands?”

Her eyes snap to him, alert as any bird of prey. “Explain.”

“Well, consider it,” Gale proposes, warming to his topic. “When we came upon those Absolute fellows with tadpoles in their heads, we didn’t join up with their cause, did we? In fact, Yuu deliberately orchestrated their demise while fighting that owlbear, so even their corpses couldn’t give a clear account of their killers. Maybe the tadpoles have realized you all have far more, erm, vigor and vim than they can contend with? Thus leading to them attempting to encourage you to terminate yourselves or each other to keep you from growing too powerful, opposing whatever their plans may be?”

He can see the cogs turning in her head as she gives his words due consideration. “Hrm…that would explain why Shadowheart is so irascible, and unwilling to allow the gi to return the aretfact to my people.”

He privately considers that this may have more to do with the fact that Shadowheart is still very determined to gift the artefact to her beloved in Baldur’s Gate and that she just greatly dislikes Lae’zel, but decides discretion is the better part of valor in this case.

“To think that the tadpole could even use the training of crèche K’llir against me…” Lae’zel shakes her head, disquieted. “Already this alliance bears fruit. I will keep your secret, wizard, and keep you appraised of when the parasite attempts its trickery again.”

Gale sags as the tension he’s amassed over the course of this conversation escapes him all at once. “R-right, erm, of course. Please, please do.”

She nods to him and strides off back to camp.

He waits until she’s out of sight before letting himself sink against the base of the tree in exhaustion.

Well all’s well that ends well, he supposes. And if that means Lae’zel occasionally comes to him to complain about certain habits of their companions that inspire murderous rage in her, and it turns into a bit of a gossip session…

Well, it’s certainly better than the alternative.

***

“Care for a drink, Gale?”

It’s late, and most of the camp is curled up in their bedrolls and tucked away in their tents. He had presumed that the only ones left awake were himself, pouring over a rather interesting volume of Fringe Philosophy, and that dog which followed Yuu back from goodness knows where in the woods.

The frowsy canine has been eyeing his boots with intent, he just knows it.

He finds himself for once welcomely mistaken when he looks up to see Wyll proffering one of the bottles of Ithbank that also returned with the scouting party.

“Ooh, don’t mind if I do.” He puts the book to the side, scooching to make space for his new companion in libations on the log.

Wyll takes a seat next to him, muscled thigh bulging where it presses against Gale’s own.

Gale tries in vain to focus instead on the gratifyingly full cup the Blade of Frontiers passes him. The wine itself tastes tart and dry as it goes down.

“Oh, that hits the spot.” Gale sighs happily. “My deepest thanks, good sir. I must admit I did not realize how sorely I needed this.”

“Ah, think nothing of it.” Wyll replies modestly.

The pair of them sup together in convivial silence.

It’s when Gale is refilling Wyll’s cup for the third time that he ventures, tentatively, “Gale? You would consider us friends, correct?”

A horrible, prickling feeling starts up the back of Gale’s neck.

“Of course. I hardly know of a situation where somebody could fight alongside you and not look upon our relationship with a considerable degree of amicability.” He responds, wetting his lips. Then, with a slight undertone of suspicion, “Why?”

“As if we are friends, like you and I have agreed.” Wyll goes on doggedly, somehow managing to give an entreating gaze with one eye hell-red-on-black and the other made of stone. “Then it would be right and proper of me to let you know of certain deductions I have made about your person. Correct?”

Oh, for the love of Mystra—!

“Out with it, then.” He mutters gloomily, seizing the bottle for a generous pour. “What, when, where, why, how?”

Wyll takes the bottle with a measure of trepidation, lips softly pursed in deliberation before he sets it down in the grass between them.

“Well, you remember the phase spiders. In the well?”

Gale lets out a piteous moan. “Please don’t remind me.”

“You were trying to cast magic missile on one of them, but its vermin-riddled servant was coming up behind you.” Wyll continues, “And no matter how Yuu and I tried to connect with your tadpole to warn you, it was as though we couldn’t reach it. As though it wasn’t there in the first place. And then Karlach shoved you.”

“And then Karlach shoved me.” He repeats numbly. The burn where her elbow got his ribs healed without a trace after one potion.

The memory of her horrified screaming when the arachnids swarmed her and somehow didn’t immediately meet a fiery demise will take a much heavier draught to recover from.

He groans, taking a too big swig from his goblet.

“I suppose you’ll be wanting something then, in exchange for not running me out of camp at first light.” He states, the wine making his inhibitions loose and speech spill freely. “Some arcane knowledge your patron has failed to provide? The retrieval of a family heirloom? Counsel from a former archmage?”

“What? No, I—!”

A muffled snort interrupts Wyll’s passionate rebuke. After watching the dog settle itself again by the fire with bated breath, Gale is drawn back to his drinking partner’s earnestness.

“I require counsel for…” Wyll pauses, considering. “A lot of things in my life right now. But. But more than that, I would be forever grateful for a friendly ear. Someone to commiserate with, without needing to plan and solve things that are beyond help.”

Gale swirls his cup and watches the small whirlpool of red.

“Hm. They are a bit of a doer, aren’t they?”

Wyll does not even ask who he means, just groans in a way Gale can sympathize with. “I—Yuu’s very capable, and Helm preserve me but I like them, but do they ever switch off?!“

“I”, Gale confides in his most conspiratorial tones, “Once saw them pull out that journal of theirs after speaking with Lae’zel and begin scribbling down a detailed synopsis of the conversation they’d just held. While we were inside the hag’s lair.”

Wyll stares at him, eyes bulging. He lets slip a bark of laughter he instantly muffles by clapping a hand over his mouth.

Gale can’t help the surge of pleased satisfaction that courses through him.

“Gods above, but that cannot be healthy. Leading every excursion out of camp, acting as arbiter within it, recording everything, concocting alchemicals, training with you and Lae’zel…” Wyll scrubs a hand over his head, frowning in annoyance when he bumps the horns sprouting from his brow. “I’m growing worried that we’ll wake one morning to find them expired in their bedroll from exhaustion.”

“They’re young.” Gale soothes, taking perhaps a larger gulp of his Ithbank than he originally intended. “Driven. I was much the same at their age, impatient to prove myself worthy to those who equaled me in skill but surpassed me in age. I think with some time and guidance from those in our company they ought to calm down somewhat, mark my words.”

Wyll sighs heavily and lists gently into Gale’s side, solid and warm. “I hope so, for all our sakes. But by the gods, I’m twenty four. I’m too young to be feeling old.”

Gale, in his mid thirties, does not comment on how old that particular comment makes him feel.

“Ah, be that as it may…” He trails off, scratching at the rim of the cup with his nail. “I hate to press, but can I be assured of your discretion in this matter?”

The fond smile that rewards this query near takes his breath away.

“Don’t worry, my friend.” Wyll squeezes his shoulder firmly. “I won’t tell a soul, I swear on mine and my father’s lives.”

Gale is unable to do much more than nod dumbly, soon deciding to turn in before he does anything too daring for sobriety.

It doesn’t keep Wyll from sharing that soft, secretly fond smile with him as they journey onwards, or share conversation in the evenings.

He’s certain it can’t be good for his heart.

***

“Oh, Gale darling~”

It’s almost pavlovian, how Gale’s shoulders hunch guiltily at the affectionate address.

“Astarion. How can I help you?”

“I’ve a sudden and uncontrollable craving for your company. Quite irresistable, I’m afraid. Come,” The pale elf beckons. “Won’t you walk with me?”

It’s a trap. It’s so obviously a trap that Gale would be fool to fall for it.

Astarion tilts his head, peering up at him from under his eyelashes.

Gale falls into step with the weary resignation of a sentenced man making his way to the gallows. Still, the walk is almost nice, getting to gaze upon nature in all its splendor as Astarion somehow manages to make nattering on about everything and nothing sound compelling and engaging.

Right up until he says, “…though that pales in comparison to what I heard you and Wyll talking about the other night, darling.”

All of the muscles in his body lock up like someone had enchanted him by mistake in place of their chest of valuables.

He sighs. “I don’t supposed I could convince you that I’ve no worldly clue what you’re talking about?”

“Hmm, maybe.” Astarion hums. “But then I began thinking about you seemed blissfully unburdened with flashbacks from the Descent when the little bard was conversing with our devil friend. Also the incident with the grease—”

“Yes, well, we don’t need to get into that.” Gale grumbles, wishing he knew how to craft a draught that represses those memories of his early tactical errors.

“Of course, I’m never one to kiss and tell.” Astarion places a hand on his chest, faux innocence practically leaking from every fiber of his being. “But, I might need to ask for a small favour in return. To ensure it stays just between us.”

Gale nods for him to divulge his demand.

“Well, first things first.” The pale elf backs him up against a tree in embrace that has blood rushing furiously to his cheeks. “I should probably let you in on my little secret. I just so happen to be what some colloquially refer to as a vampire.”

“Oh. You’re a vampire?” Gale repeats dumbly. Then, as several key details suddenly slot into place. “Oh fuck, you’re a vampire.”

The newly outed vampire has the audacity to roll his eyes. “Please, I’m a spawn, darling. No need to fret about my turning you. And while I’ve been getting by on animals, I need something more…potent to unleash my full potential.”

His nose, oddly cool now Gale takes note of it, skims over his carotid artery. “And you, my dear, have them all beat for potency.”

The proximity and near-intimacy of it is making Gale’s head spin, which is why he doesn’t think about any potential downsides, until Astarion’s pleased hum after his fangs sink in turns to a muffled sound of incredulity.

“Gale.” It takes him a moment to blink back into himself to register he’s being spoken to. “What the fuck is wrong with your blood?”

“Ah. Well.” He scuffs some of the leaves underfoot with the toe of his boot. “You recall the camp meeting I called last week about the orb of dread Netherese magic in my chest?”

“The what—?!”

“..re you there? Astari—!”

Gale jolts as Astarion springs away from him, the pair of them staring wildly at the unofficial leader of their merry troupe, who looks as mortified as Gale feels. “—Oookay, I did. Not mean to walk in on. You two?”

“You could sound less surprised, darling.” Astarion pouts silkily, not an errant drop of red to be seen.

“I’ll admit it wasn’t who my gold was on,” Yuu mumbles, almost too softly to hear. Gale can’t help but wonder what they mean by that as they raise their voice with a little cough.

“Look, I don’t care if you two want to sneak off and, and give each other hickeys—”

He can feel his cheeks warm violently at the implication. “That’s—!”

“I know, I know, completely none of my business, but.” Yuu comes to an abrupt stop. “Wait. Gale, are you—are you bleeding?”

Gale suddenly realizes the warm slide down his neck that he’d taken for nervous sweat is in fact a substance of the more sanguine variety.

“Erm.” He tries. “No?”

Astarion stares at him, eyes round with disbelief.

“Are you fucking joking?!” He demands, in the same breath as Yuu exhales, “Oh fuck, you’re a vampire. How the fuck did I miss that?!”

“Now, now hold on a moment!” Gale, sensing imminent disaster, steps between them. “Yes, he may be a vampire, but he’s hardly some, some bloodthirsty beast like the tawdry excuses for literature we’ve been scavenging would have us believe! It isn’t like we’ve been waking up to any one of us drunk dry during the night, is it? All five of us, yet Astarion has had the near, near deific self control to hold out until this very evening before requesting—quite politely, if I may add!—if I would find sympathy for his plight and contribute to his welfare so that he can continue to aid us to the best of his ability. As he has done thus far without acknowledgement of his sacrifices.”

Yuu raises an eyebrow at him. “And you agreed?”

He spreads his arms helplessly. “I—How could I not?”

Yuu glances warily between him and the vampire. They pinch the bridge of their nose and let out a sigh.

“If we arrange a voluntary feeding schedule, would that help, Astarion?”

For a moment, the vampire just stares at the two of them, mouth agape.

Slowly, he nods.

“We’ll go over exact amounts and who’ll be participating later.” Yuu announces brusquely. “I need to gently break the news to the others first. Give me an hour, and I should have everyone on the same page.”

“Thank you,” Gale clasps his hands in their direction. “Your foresight is invaluable, as always. You won’t regret this, I promise.”

The would-be bard raises a blithe hand in acknowledgement as they crunch through the leaves back to camp.

“I’m genuinely unsure whether I should kiss you or kill you.”

He blinks at Astarion. “Erm? W-Well, I’d rather. Rather the former than the latter if it’s on the table. Though please don’t take it as an obligation of some kind! I never had any intentions of indebting you to me.”

“Please.” Astarion drawls as he slinks over, looping his arms once more around Gale’s neck. “How could I let such a…gallant defense go unrewarded? And our little bard did say we have an hour, after all…”

“Oh!” Gale says. Then. “O-ohh…”

And, as a gentleman of discretion and valor, he will draw the curtain on the scene there.

***

“Hey, soldier!”

Karlach falls into step next to him as they trudge through the Underdark. Up ahead, he can faintly make out Astarion and Yuu quietly conferring about whether their crossbow or his bow would be more suitable for removing the red glowing mushrooms that litter their path to the wizard’s tower.

“So,” She says, waggling her eyebrows at him saucily. “You and Fangs, eh?”

“Fangs?” He repeats, confused.

“Astarion,” She clarifies. “Even with the donation system and all that, he seems to be sweetest on you. You two a thing at all?”

“Ha! Ah, I’m not sure.” Gale demurs. “On the one hand, even if I have to disagree with your definition of “sweetest”, he has been the perfect gentleman when he’s not busy driving me round the bend. On the other, he apparently managed to tune out all of my explanations about the Netherese orb currently residing in my chest. Claims he was too distracted by my boots, of all things.”

“They are nice boots,” Karlach observes, which does make Gale preen. “Was a bit more taken with you kneeling while pressing Yuu’s hand to your chest, m’self.”

“That was for practical demonstration.” He stresses, cheeks flushing with the belated embarrassment that’s dogged him since about fifteen minutes afterwards. “I could hardly expect you all to take me seriously without proof.”

“Right, and your proof usually involves you getting on your knees, does it?” At his indignant splutter, Karlach lets out a laugh that’s no less lovely for how it resembles a bray rather than bells tinkling. “Joking, I’m joking Gale. Though, if you’re not with Fangs, would you instead say that you’d been involved with Shadowheart? Since the tenday before last? Loudly?”

“Shadowheart? What in—” Gale suddenly notices how his conversation partner’s eyes keep darting to the tailless tiefling a few meters away from them, recalls their comment from the evening Astarion’s secret had been revealed. It all clicks.

“Wait. You aren’t—are you betting on my love life?!” He demands, scandalized.

Karlach shrugs, tip of her tongue caught between the teeth of her unrepentant grin.

“Well, we’ve gotta do something for entertainment, don’t we? The others keep circling around you like they’re wargs and you’re a set of deep rothé ribs! And who can blame them? You’re a catch.”

Gale is for once extremely glad he can blame Karlach’s ambient temperature for the way his face suddenly and inexplicably feels burning hot.

“That’s—! I’m afraid you’ve the entirely wrong end of the staff if that’s your line of thinking.” He says stiffly. “None of them have any truly amorous interest in me, just discussing something. Something private.”

“Oh.” Karlach frowns for a moment.

Then she says, “What, did they work out you don’t have a tadpole as well?”

You’d think, after the fifth time such a revelation was made, Gale would be sufficiently prepared to not have a physical reaction to it.

You would be wrong.

“How?!” The words, meant to sound dignified if resigned, emerge with more of a trimming of petulant whine.

“Known ever since I met you.” She devastates cheerfully. “Got prowling around the Gate from Fangs, dragon’s fire from Lae’zel, training in the dark from Shadowheart, talking down mercs from Yuu, hunting me from Wyll, but from you? Nothing.”

“Ah.” He acknowledges. Then, “So, is that what happens every time you all meet someone new with a tadpole? You get a concentrated history of their past exploits through communication between the parasites?”

Karlach’s mouth twists as she considers. “Hm, I don’t think so? You can still keep secrets, else we’d have all known about Astarion a lot sooner. And the cult leaders woulda had us all killed the moment we walked in. It’s more like…snippets of that person? I’m not sure if it’s bits and bobs about them that are more like you or just what they think about themselves.”

“Fascinating,” Gale breathes. He’ll admit, given all the subterfuge he’s had to go through, he’s only been able to glean piecemeal information about the affliction.

After all, it’s hardly like he could just wander up to the others and ask them about it off-hand. Could he?

“Probably for the best you don’t have it, on the whole.” She stretches, toned muscles standing in stark relief with every movement. “Aside from the whole mindflayer-y thing, you at least didn’t have to deal with Yuu’s hangover in your head.”

Gale winces in commiseration. A lot of people had been plying their erstwhile leader with alcohol at the tiefling party, to the point where they ended up passed out in their bedroll halfway through the evening. From the way they still looked bleary after Shadowheart and Halsin cast Lesser Restoration on them the next morn, Gale would bet all his gold and then some that they’ve very little experience drinking so heavily, if any.

Still, he drums his fingers against his leg as he considers how best to broach this next bit.

“Although…you do understand if I ask that you not repeat this, please? Given that not quite everyone is…aware.”

“Course.” Karlach says, tapping the side of her nose. “Mum’s the word, eh?”

“Quite.” Gale wrings his hands together. He opens and closes his mouth. “And you don’t…want anything?”

Karlach tilts her head. “How’d you mean?”

“You know.” Gale makes a frittering notion with his hands. “Something to buy your silence, or what have you?”

“What?!” She looks askance at him, snorting in a way he finds unreasonably attractive. “What’s the point in that? You don’t want me to tell, so I won’t. Simple as that.”

He can’t help smiling broadly at her, at the way the flames licking off her skin reflect in the vents protruding from her shoulder, off the dancing humor in her eyes.

They both turn to observe their companions are taking potshots at the mushrooms and cheering when one of their projectiles manages to set off a chain reaction.

“Actually, there is something.”

Ah. Damn.

He tenses despite himself. “And what would that be?”

“When I get Dammon to fix my engine proper so I don’t burn anymore,” She decrees with the regality of a queen. “You’ve got to give me a big hug. A proper one. If you want to, ‘course.”

The sudden release of nerves is almost euphoric.

“I’ll hold you to that.” He vows.

[freddie-77-ao3]

Gonna use the ask box for this 🙃 ask 1/? (I have so many questions, though you have answered so many already)

What are your thoughts on Trials of Apollo, and the characters?

go ahead and keep asking!!! i love your questions!!

ANYWAY

gonna start smaller with characters:

lavinia: the jewish thing wasn't handled completely correctly (just a couple of small things there) but overall 10/10 character. i think she's hilarious and her official artwork ROCKS.

meg: i love her. she seems a little immature for twelve years old TO ME but i also had a... rather abnormal upbringing so that might explain the differences. overall she was a great character and i LOVE the demeter rep (my thoughts on how riordan treated demeter take five pages to clarify so-- basically) love seeing it-- demeter was a kronide and her kids should be treated as such! great character development. peaches was also hilarious (as was crotch-kicker mccaffrey)

lester: calling him lester to separate between godly apollo and post toa apollo. again, fantastic character development. he's so fucking funny. like he does some really dumb stuff at the start of the series (swearing to not use a musical instrument and stuff?? LESTER MAN CMON) his and meg's relationship is so sweet-- and kayla and austin with him? chefs kiss. love apollo kids getting some time with their dad.

jason: absolutely got fridged. i've already touched on my suicide theory so i won't go into that here but basically i think we shoulda seen jason similar to percy (very minor, doing his own thing behind the scenes) but alas.

piper: the shel thing was a bit sudden. don't get me wrong, i'm ALL for queer rep (i think there should be more of it in the books actually) but-- going straight from breaking up with jason to jason sacrificing himself for her to a relationship seems really unhealthy. i think she should have a chance to grow outside of a relationship.

reyna: joining the hunt was a bad end for her. since when was that an ambition of hers? she seemed genuinely happy in new rome and called it her home multiple times in HoO and going from that to the hunt? idk seems like rick doesn't know how to write characters NOT be in a relationship (piper, reyna, leo... they all get squared away)

leo: oh leo baby he didn't get to see jason before he died??? so heartbreaking. didn't belong in a relationship with calypso. the punching thing was weird when he came back to camp-- esp with a character who has a history of physical abuse

frank: i love the frank deciding his own fate thing but also idk seems like a cop out.

hazel: shouldn't have just become praetor i mean cmon. i love her but she's what, 14 now? no way.

Nico: FINALLY ONE OF THE CHARACTERS CANONICALLY GETS THERAPY. the doctors note is--

will: solangelo flirting is hilarious 10/10. "do you want to be my buddy?" "significant annoyance" i can't breathe. also poor will for putting up with apollo in the hidden oracle because i could not help my dad learn how to use the toilet i'm sorry but that shit is crazy.

malcolm: why is malcolm going to battle without pants on so funny to me i just-- 10/10 i love him.

connor: such a dumbass. the hair grafts 😭. i feel bad that travis isn't there and then communication lines go down like oh buddy :(

cecil: see me RUNNING with the knowledge cecil can cook

other small stuff:

love the waystation, always been my personal hc that there's more than just that one but that's for another post.

percabeth finally making it to college!!!

speaking of which AT WHAT TIME DID TRAVIS AND CLARISSE FILL OUT COLLEGE APPS THEY WERE AT WAR???? WHAT DO THEIR OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS LOOK LIKE???

the jackson-blofis family warms my heart <3

thoughts on the series as a whole?

i love it. definitely top three riordan series (tied with pjo and mcga)

i like that (like mcga) toa was more mature? like we finally see demigods with ptsd, we get queer characters, just... everything