#i really hope he forgives himself and lets go of that burden that he didnt protect richeh

[block-of-fish-cubes]

forgiveness

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep7 (part 2)

Toxic kindness (Kureno):

I’ve touched upon this in se02 finale, but kureno’s toxic kindness mirrors the foolish traveler story. The foolish traveler says “ thank you” as he dies. Kureno ignores the knife in the hands of a person whom he saw with his own eyes abuse a number of children repeatedly. Kisa, Isuzu, hatori & yuki bodies testify of being beaten, cut, & bruised. Kyo’s psychological abuse was announced in front of kureno himself before akito summoned him in the beach arc. Akito has strangled her mom & screamed, cried & went manic in front of him. Yet, kureno walks toward her ignoring the knife, hugs her & tells her to press the button of change. Easy, right?

I highly respect the author that Akito didn’t respond positively. I don’t want kureno to be stabbed or want akito to run away & hurt the others.  Also, I hate cheap drama. So, I’ll never support dramatic confrontations just for the sake of it. I want a realistic depiction of trauma & mental illness. The person who lived her entire life entitled to be obeyed, feared & having extreme authority, won’t just change cuz a foolish guy told her to.

-The responsibility of Nurturing children:

Akito’s outburst represent the author’s view on the role of nurturing children properly to teach them to be decent human beings. Akito was raised with extreme views neglect & narcissism. You’re special & must be loved (said her dad), Others MUST obey you (said the old maid), No one truly loves you (said her mom). So, her entire life she craved showcasing her power over these unfortunate zodiacs as it stems from the notion that they live for her sake.

Tohru on the other hand was raised with compassion, love & appreciation of other ppl. Tohru being timid, shy or unable to stand for her self are personal struggles that tohru deals with & not related to nurturing , While her trauma might be caused by a parent, it didn’t prevent tohru from being a kind & compassionate person because she was raised & taught abt these things.

The faults of abusing a child might lead to create faulty mentality & social issues. these kids might even grow to implement similar abuse onto others, while all that is understandable, it will never excuse their behavior. A lot cases of real life abusers were once kids who were abused. It is tragic. It explains why they become the horrible person they are today, but it never excuses the harm of others. The victim is not responsible of your screwed upbringing. Kisa, kyo, yuki, & Isuzu have nothing to do with Akira, Ren or akito’s troubles. They are victims themselves but they didn’t go & inflect harm upon others. Yes, they each developed a faulty coping mechanism &  showed tendencies of rage, withdrawal, misplaced pain, but they were never a harm towards the society, & their peers.

Akito’s outburst paves the path for her redemption. How it will happen? I duno. Will someone once again holds her cheeks, talks her into bettering herself? I duno. She will atone. I can guess that based on the ED. but Will she be rightfully punished for her crimes? I duno. I hope so. Forgiveness is different from punishment. Thus, a type of punishment should be implemented. Abusers, whether victims or not, or atoned or not, must receive it. It is only fair.

- What will happen with tohru/ kyo’s confession/ confrontation? What is the exit from kyoko’s harsh last words! How can Furuba’s best mom hates kyo! My mind goes crazy!

Perhaps the following will happen:

(a) Kyo will confess the past, tohru forgive, kyo relieved, they kiss or whatever (happy ending). This could happen but while I would be happy for them, I’d hate that kyo’s entire trauma goes away with a simple “ I forgive you/ I love you”. Trauma doesn’t have a button you magically shut down. Kyo must unload his burden first! open his lid, then deal with it. Also, How will kyoko’s last words fit here? Are they just kyo’s imagination? really? it seems so anti-climatic. Imagine living with kyoko’s words for two seasons only for it to be in kyo’s mind! I really need kyoko to have bigger role than simple imagination. She’s either a haunting ghost or a holy perfect mother, rarely a real human character. Also, I need to include Akito. In this happy version, Akito gets stopped by shigure or even yuki! .. possible but too light for all the buildup drama & endless cliffhangers! lol

(b) Kyo will confess the past, tohru won’t forgive, kyo hurts himself as he sees her pain (dark ending). This ending is too dark for both. kyo hearing tohru’s words of un-forgivness will echo what he himself believe in he should be. Then where is hope for him? T_T Tohru not being able to forgive is logical since her mom is her world, but it also further ties tohru to her mom. She’ll be stuck again remembering her mom’s tragic words & last moment. Also, tohru will loose another person she loves even more than her mom. Here Akito will interfere somehow. Perhaps tries to kill tohru, then kyo sacrifices himself saving her. I duno.. too dark for furuba! lol

Ok. I give up. Anything I think gets stopped by kyoko’s words. I need kyo to push tohru away cuz this is the only logical progression for his trauma! I refuse to believe that kyo’s trauma was pushed into the climax & was written to embody furuba’s most mature themes of guilt, self-forgiveness, repeated mistakes, depression & others only to be quickly solved. But, tohru’s own issues were quickly presented & addressed in one short ep so..... augh! I want to hope for more from tohru, but I duno.. her growth has been so inconsistent, & I’m tired of being disappointed.

Next ep could either become furuba’s best ep or the worst ever!!! & this scares me so much. 

Side Notes:

Kyo was repeatedly punished for his mistakes & faulty coping mechanism throughout the series, He is yet to be forgiven by someone or forgive himself. But he has been living the punishment of his own trauma.

Why is momiji still speaking German in the dub? I know his curse break is a secret, but He’s still holding on the facade of identifying with a rabbit in his burger, imitating his mom’s accent as he’s still so attached to her. I thought he let go of the past while bravery acknowledging it & moved on. Starting brighter, happier & with more hope. He isn’t still holding on to pain. He is looking forward now. =/

At first, i didnt recognize the room tohru & kyo are eating in! XD. It’s their living room, right? first time seeing it with all doors closed. weird.XD

Seeing Hiro’s curse break further reinforces that there is no logic on its breaking order. It just breaks. that’s all. If there is any reason behind it, then, momoji should be the first. He had always developed outside relationships with others way before tohru & not exclusive to her. Seeing as he has lots of friends playing with him. Also, he has always dealt with his own issues with level headed perspective, never too absorbed in sadness, never too self-focused, he never withdrew or lashed out. He never looked down on kyo, heck! I’ll argue that he even looked up to him!. hiro could've happened earlier too, as he was always protected from trauma & in a loving home, then yuki as he not only opened his lid but told akito in her face that he will forgive her & decided to never be by her side. His curse should have broken right on se02, ep25. You can place anyone afterwards. So, yeah, the curse just breaks, perhaps akito herself has a role as her insecurities increases. duno.

I dont care for the curse itself at all. As far as I’m concerned it is (a) fun gimmick, (b) analogy for abuse & trauma. The later is the core of furuba.

plz let next ep be well-done, well-written & well-direct. plz! T_T

[arthurflecksgirl]

I was wondering if u could write a ff where Joker comes home after he drew the smile on his face with his blood. He managed somehow to escape from the police and he return home to the female reader with all the blood on his face. :)

Thank you soo much for the beautiful request. Sorry that it took me so long. I started with Arthurs point of view and switched to readers point of view. I hope thats okay with you ?

ARTHURs point of view

I feel the hot blood trippin down my forehead. Into my eyes. Its burning. Everything is burning. My skin, my eyes, Gotham, my heart. Everything is a blurr with blood all over your face. Everything seems foggy after you ran from the cops. Especially your mind. At the same time I feel like I can see clear through all the foggyness. Its ironic how chaos can make you feel like you see clear for the first time. Chaos makes me real. People noticing me makes me even realer. I am aware of the fact that those people out there, all the protestors didnt really saw me. I mean, for a moment it truly felt like it. Like I have been seen by many people, a crowd for the first time in my life. And it felt....good. Through all the pain and hurt and confusion it felt good. But... there was something missing. There is always something missing inside of me. Except when I am with her.

She is the missing part of me. No one in that crowd cold give me what Y/N holds for me. Not as single soul. Yes it was interesting to feel all those eyes o me. I need an audience. I need to be seen and heard. But after I took my fingers to the corner of my mouth to form that smile everyone wanted to see on me I realized something. Every single one out on the streets...all those people didnt even knew my name. Arthur Fleck. To them I was the Joker. Someone who wanted to start a riot against the rich. I never wanted that. I never had those kinda plans- The only plan I had was to make people happy by telling jokes. They applouded me for something I didnt even wanted to start. They didnt loved me for who I am. Only for the idea they had of me. To them I was a symbol. A movement. They would be disappointed to find out that all I wanted was a hand to hold.  Arthur would bore them to death.

I toch the fabric of my red suit. Being Joker feels good. Protective. This suit is an armour. A shielt to protect me from the world. But the only shield I need is her embrace. They keep me save at night. I need her now. More than ever.

I finally arrive where she lives, trying to catch my breath. My finger presses the doorbell. I bet she wants to come over to my apartment for the evening. Y/N loves the cosyness of the living room. She loves to sleep on that damn, old couch. Too bad she can never do that again. We both can`t. Randalls body is still there. We can`t stay here eighter. I have to explain this to her. We gotta leave Gotham behind. Finally. Who wants to stay here anyway?

"Daring?" her soothing voice calms me down immeaditely. She openes the door with a shocked look on her face. I`m sorry to scare her. I never intened to do so. One look at her face and my entire world is bathing in sunlight. She sees me. She really sees me in a way I want to be seen. Not like these protestors. She sees right through my heart. Into the most hidden corners of my mind. For a moment I get scared of everything that happened today. I dont want to burden her with my actions. I need her to be save. I just need her love now. I need to feel how much she loves me. To prove that there is someone who doesnt only see me as a symbol.

"Artie" she says, wrapping her arms around me, touching my bloody forehead with her fingertips "What happened? Are you hurt? Is that your blood? I watched the news. I got so scared. How did you escape?" All those questions escaping her shaking lips.

Artie. I love it when she calls me that. I`m still Artie to her. Even with all that blood on my face. Even after shooting Murray.

I wrap my arms around her hips. It doesnt feel right to touch her with my bloody hands. I stain her clothes with a mixture of my blood and the blood of others. I feel dirty.

"I`m....fine I think. Now. I am fine now that I am with you. But we gotta leave, baby. I did some bad shit." I try to explain while catching my breath.

"Is that true? What they said on the news?"

"I guess so"

"Oh my god, Arthur. What have they done to you?"

"What do you mean?" her reaction is surprising.

"I know they cut the funding. You couldnt buy your medication, right? Thats why all of tis happened. They did this to you." Y/N starts crying. I cannot stand to watch her cry. I want her to be happy, so I pull her closer to my chest.

"Shhht baby, its okay. We will figure something out. We`ll run away together. I dont need Gotham. I dont need any of this. We just need each other. And most of all I need you to love me".

She touches the corner of my mouth, realizing the blood forms a smile on me.

"You know I do. " she whispers.

"Yeah...I felt it. After I got off taht police car I felt that the only person who ever saw me was you. So I needed to escape. But the cops ran after me. "

"We should go to your place and get your stuff before we leave"

"We can`t, Y/N.  I dont need this stuff anyway. All I need is your hand in mine while I run."

Y/N looks me deep in the eyes, trying to get an answer. Trying to understand why we cant get back into my apartment. I hope she can forgive me.

YOUr point of view

Seeing Arthur like this breaks your heart. That bloody smile on his face. That smile he always wanted to give to others but he couldnt feel himself. That smile that he drew onto his face for so many years. Now drawn with his own blood. He`s breathless from running, his chest lifting up and down while you put your hand on it. The blood is running down his forehead. You ask him about the accident you have seen on the news. But he claims he is okay. The news scared you to death. You couldnt handle him getting hurt. Or worse...

You just want to bring him to his apartment, helping him into the bathtub and wash away this bloody mess. But you know you can`t. He said you cannot get back home, so he has his reasons for it. You wouldnt even ask why.

Arthurs intense eyes stare right into yours. There is a delusional look to them. Like he just had a weird fever dream and he didnt came back from it yet. You put your hands on his cheek. The blood staining your palms. A real smirk shows under the blood smile. For a second you caught yourself getting turned on by it. You immediately feel bad about that. He is hurt. Confused. Yet so extremly attractive.

"Are you really okay, Artur?"

He noods "Yeah. I am, baby. I just need to know if you still love me. I will explain it to you. I mean...everything that happened today and why I did what I did....but....please baby, dont stop loving me..."

You put your finger to his smeared lips.

"I cold never...." tears start running down your face. This is all too much. Seein him vulnerable like that.

His face so close to yours, his breath ghosting across your skin.

You know he wants to kiss you right now. You know him so well. But he wouldnt allow himself to smear all that blood on your face without being sure if you are okay with it.

You are okay with it.

More than that.

You want it.

You want to kiss away the blood.

You long for the taste of it.

"Kiss me" you breathe into his face.

"I`m a bloody mess" he replies while he pulls out a cig. And just as he is about to light it up you grab his hand to throw the cigarrette away "Make me a bloody mess,too."

Arthur smirks right before he pushes you against the wall to press his bloody lips on yours. You taste it. You taste it all. His hopes and fears, the confusion running through his head. The anger and passion. The love. the pureness within his racing heart.

As his tongue eagerly parts your lips you know that you cannot stay here for long. The cops are after him. You gotta run. You gotta run fast. But you know that you both would run hand in hand. Which made it all bearable.

But first you gotta show him how much you love him. No matter what happened. No matter how much of a mess he is right now. You`ll show him that you will kiss his wounds until they start to heal. The taste of blood starts to fill your mouth while he pulls you closer. His  green, messy curls tickeling your skin. His muscles twitching under your touch. Everything drowns in red. His fave color. Arthur kisses you until your head is spinning. His wounded hands holding your face so gently, like they never did anything else.

"I taste you" you moan into his mouth "I taste all of thats inside you".

His blood filling your mouth is different. It feels like its not even possible to get closer to him than that. With every twist of his warm tongue you swallow him down.

"I love you so much, Arthur"

He stops kissing you for a moment "Lets run away together and never come back" he whispers "But first let me love you like there is no tomorrow".

[knicole0527]

How Did I Fall For Unwritten History?

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If she was a drug I’d take it . She grounds me . She makes love to my mind , heart , and then my body . Her way of words sometimes makes me feel stupid because she uses words I cant imagine using . My vocabulary aint that big . But ask me about math or science ? I’m definitely ya girl . She was my missing piece . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t .

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling each other out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our mutual friend , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete failure in the relationship .

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept making promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I deserved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . But I will play the hand I’m dealt . Maybe I will win and marry the woMAN of my dreams . Or maybe I will just fck it up once again . We Will See .

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Sweet Pea//Replaced

Request: Hi! Can you write something with sweet pea where him and reader were best friends since they were little (like there hasnt been a day they didnt see eachother since they were kids) but then he gets a girlfriend who's really mean to reader and reader tries to tell sweet pea but he doesnt believe her and reader is replaced by the new girlfriend (both with sweet pea and their friends)? thank you!!!

“I’ve been looking for you three everywhere!” You smiled as you approached your group of friends. Sweet Pea continued to text, and Toni and Fangs continued their conversation. Your smile faltered slightly before you remembered why you had been looking for them. “Hellooo. Am I ghost?” You asked jokingly and they glanced at you.

“What? Yeah. Whatever you wanna do Y/n.” Sweet Pea replied nonchalantly and you rolled your eyes. He had been like this ever since he got with Zoe, a new serpent who used to live in Greendale. She moved to Riverdale a few months ago and ever since it was like you didn’t exist to any of them. At first it was just Sweet Pea, which hurt like hell. You had been friends since you were 2 and there literally wasn’t a day that you hadn’t been together until she came along and all he wanted to do was hang out with her. Which you understood to an extent, they were dating so you were obviously going to see each other less but it had been a solid month and half, if not more since you had hung out with him properly. You would see each other in school but even then she would always be around and intimidate you when Sweet Pea wasn’t paying attention. You had tried to tell Sweet Pea on multiple occasions that she wasn’t a nice person but he just argued with you so eventually you gave up trying to help. Then Fangs and Toni started to ignore you, and then all four of them would hang out without you and by that point you had started to give up. Not that they noticed. 

However, when you found out your parents were going away for the weekend, you were ecstatic. You were going to invite them to stay the weekend and everything would be like it was before she turned up. 

“I have exciting news!” You sat down beside Sweet Pea, but they continued to ignore you. “Am I invisble or are you doing this on purpose?” You snapped and they looked at you confused. 

“Sorry. I was..” Sweet Pea started. 

“Texting Zoe. Yes, I know. And you two were talking about something funny she did at the weekend when you said you were doing homework but instead you were hanging out with her. I get it, but can we focus on me for a minute? Or are you forgetting that I’m your friend too?” You asked angrily and they shrugged. 

“Sure.” 

“My parents are going to Florida at the weekend so I have a free house! I was wondering if you guys wanted to come over, we can hang out, watch movies, eat popcorn, and you can stay as well. So. What do you say?” You asked with a bright smile. 

“I. Err. Sorry, I can’t. I promised Zoe we would hang out this weekend.” Sweet Pea said apologetically. 

“You’ve hung out with her every single weekend since you met. Can you not spare this one?” You asked and he shook his head. 

“I’m helping her with a project.” He replied and you nodded your head slowly.

“Fine. What about you two? We can still have fun.” 

“Sorry. We have a project due too.” Fangs replied, and Toni nodded quickly. 

“Oh. Okay. Thats fine. What about afterwards? I can’t imagine the project is going to take all weeke-” 

“What project?” Zoe asked and you rolled your eyes. She made her way over to your table and stood in between you and Sweet Pea, signaling for you to move over. You sighed before moving and she sat down, not so accidentally hitting you with her bag. “I hope you’re not cancelling our camping trip this weekend?” Zoe asked with an evil smile, causing your friends’ eyes to widen. 

“You’re going camping?” You asked sadly. “Of course you are.” You stood up. “I think I’m gonna go. Have fun at the weekend.” You sighed and started to walk away, quickly wiping the tears from your eyes. 

“Y/n!” Zoe called after you and you rolled your eyes before turning around to face her. 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you hear that?” She asked and you looked at her annoyed. “That was the sound of your friendship with each of them shattering. You’re welcome. Now, have fun at the weekend with all your friends. Oh wait. Thats right. You don’t have any. Bye.” She smiled sweetly before walking away. You turned the other way and ran into an empty classroom. Well what you thought was empty. 

“Are you okay?” A boy with glasses asked. You jumped at the noise and your head snapped up to see a group of people sat around a table. 

“What? Yeah. I’m fine.” You wiped your eyes. 

“You don’t look it.” A blonde girl replied and held a tissue out to you. “Don’t worry, its clean.” She smiled and you took it from her, wiping your nose. “I’m Emma.” She introduced herself and you smiled slightly. “Y/n.” You replied. 

“I’m Alex!” The boy shouted. 

“Hi.” You waved. “Sorry for interrupting.” You apologized. “I’ll leave you guys.” You looked at the rest of the group. 

“Stay if you want. We don’t mind and you look sad.” Alex offered and pointed to the seat beside him. 

“I don’t want to be a burden.” 

“You’re not. Come on.” Emma grabbed your arm lightly and pulled you towards the table. 

“What is this?” You asked as you sat in between Emma and Alex. 

“We’re just a group of friends. We sit in here at lunch because its quieter and less intimidating than the lunch hall.” Another boy said. “I’m James by the way.” 

“Oh. So you hang out here every single day with each other no matter what?” You asked and they nodded. 

“Yeah. The majority of us have been friends since we were kids.” Emma replied and you started to cry again. “Are you okay?” She asked and you shook your head. She wrapped an arm around you and you cried harder. 

“I’ve been ditched by my friends for some girl that they’ve known for 4 months. My oldest friend is dating her and she is horrible to me but he’s too blind to notice so now I have know friends and I’m alone.” 

“You can hang out with us if you want?” A girl said. 

“Yeah. We’ll be your friends, you’re not alone.” Alex patted your shoulder and you nodded. 

“Okay.” You smiled sadly. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been about 5 months since you had met your recent group of friends and you finally felt happy again. You hung out with at least one of them every single day and you were staring to forget what Zoe had done to you. You still got sad whenever you thought of Sweet Pea, Toni and Fangs but you would soon feel better when one of your new friends would say something stupid, causing everyone to laugh. This was the happiest you had been in a while.

What you didn’t know though, was that Sweet Pea was miserable. After the camping weekend he had started to notice Zoe be mean to people, which got him thinking about all the things you had told him, which he ignored. 

A few more months had gone and now Sweet Pea was stood in front of your door about to apologize. He didn’t know what he was going to say but he knew he needed you to forgive him. He had been an idiot, they all had, and he only realized that once him and Zoe broke up after he caught her cheating on him. 

“Hold on Alex!” You called out and he looked confused. 

“Who the hell is Alex?” He mumbled to himself before the front door swung open. You were smiling brightly until you saw him and instantly your smile fell, which hurt Sweet Pea more than he cared to admit. He was supposed to be the person making you smile, not making it disappear. 

“Can I help you Sweet Pea?” You asked politely. 

“Uh. I came by to see you.” He mumbled. 

“Will this take long? I’m kinda meeting some people in twenty minutes.” You asked and he shook his head. 

“Let me guess. Alex?” He asked. 

“Yep. So whats up. Why are you here after not talking to me for 5 months, and before that barely talking to me.” You sighed. 

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.” He replied and you looked at him confused. “For everything. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you and I’m sorry I ignored you. So are Toni and Fangs, they’re currently thinking of ways to make it up to you which is why they’re not here.” He explained. 

“I don’t wanna hear it Sweet Pea. You are god knows how many months late. You should have believed me when I first told you about Zoe instead of waiting until you broke up and have nothing better to do. Now, if you don’t mind, I have real friends to be hanging out with. Friends who won’t abandon and ignore me.” 

“We are real friends.” He argued. 

“No, we’re not Sweet Pea. Real friends wouldn’t believe their girlfriend over their friends. They wouldn’t let their girlfriend bully the people they love. They wouldn’t lie about doing a project so they could hang out with their other friends. They wouldn’t do any of the shit you did. So leave me alone Sweet Pea. You’re too late.” You sighed and pushed past him, closing the door as you left. 

“Y/n!” He called after you. 

“What?” You snapped and turned around. 

“I love you!” He admitted and you gasped. 

“You what?” You asked and walked towards him. 

“I love you. I love you so much and I have only just realized. But I really do love you. I’m in love with you and I’m an idiot for not realizing.” 

“Sweet Pea.” You sighed and stood in front of him. “You can’t just say you love someone so they will stop being pissed at you. Thats not how this wor-” He cut you off by kissing you roughly. You were shocked at first but eventually you kissed back and he smiled against your lips. You pulled away and glared at him. “Do you believe me now?” He asked and you nodded. “I will spend the rest of our lives making this up to you if you’ll let me?”

“I love you too.” You replied and he smiled brightly. “I’ll see you later though.” You kissed his cheek and started to walk away again. 

“What?” He asked and followed you. 

“I promised my friends I would hang out with them and I’m not gonna break that promise just because you admitted your undying love for me. Who do you think I am?” You asked with a smile and he laughed. 

“Fair enough.” He replied. “I have a free trailer this weekend.” 

“You always have a free trailer.” You raised an eyebrow.

“True. But I was thinking, if you wanted, me, you, Fangs and Toni could come round and watch movies, eat popcorn and do the stuff we used to.” He suggested nervously. 

“Yeah. I’d like that. I’ll come round later tonight. And I’ll bring the snacks.” 

[dashimba]

THE 100 my thoughts of 6.07.

Well, me, finally, calmed down and rewatched the whole episode again.

The first thing is that this episode was splendid! I loved it all from first minute to the last once, basically was glued to the screen all the time.

I enjoyed the idea of space minds, because, firstly, it allows to see character deeper and feel their intention, fears and feelings through simple objects of reality, pictures, things. It also gave us a link to ‘Inception’ movie and pointed to Freudian concept of the unconscious. Besides, it also guides us to the Eric Burn theory that each person contains ‘child’, ‘adult’, ‘parent’ personality.

It was smart to use the rain as a metaphor of Clarke swings moods, chest with the code for her secret memory, also show us her dads video and Jasper glasses inside of it.

Her mind is constructed by series of locations. The reason behind is that Clarke really changed through all of her stages in life. Each one has its own meaning for her, as she grew from a young idealistic teenage girl to a grown woman, complicated and contradictory person. She became not only leader to her people, but also a parent figure. We could equate it to the thing of becoming a real mom to a child, who needs care and protection.

Clarke character this episode, her development was really thought through.

Lets try to analyze main locations.

First, we should compare how Clarkes personalities are connected with each stage of action. Second, we ll try to have a general concept of each mind space.

1.Spaceship

This place is where all Clarke memories lies, her story. I guess its just a hard drive to the whole computer, shortly her brain. There she is represented as ‘the princess on the spaceship’ and also as Wanheda, also as The Clarke ‘Madis mother’ ( Read it that way ‘child’, ‘adult’, ‘parent’) . These three parts of her personality show us the two parts of Clark, the peaceful one, rebelious one, guilty one. It’s her three sides, which are struggling to fight each other to prevail in behavior. She still has her child hopes. She still tries to be rigidity and consistency in her solutions. She now is accepting her responsibility, drowning in a blame for her decisions.

The Clarke on the spaceship is the Clarke, who believes that there is so much more than survival and fighting for life. She appears to be the most vulnerable one. Wanheda has the power of being more dark for the purpose of the survival and life. She is the dark side of Clarke who was formed by conditions of her living. Clarke from season 5 and 6 is Clarke who is trying find a peace for herself as a human, suffering inside from two sides of her world.

The lights and the colors in this mind space are truly melancholic and blue. I feel her depression and longing for sadness through this location. Clarke at the moment does not feel right at all, she is feeling down and she is losing hope.

2. The forest

Its totally the most dark place, therefore dark lights and night forest as the symbol of loss and deprivation. Its kinda blurry here too. The ruined throne of Lexa is her pain, which hides under the layers of self-control. There she loses her hope after fake memories of Bellamy. He is still that person, who has that strength and hope for her which she seeks. He is her last pillar of energy to survive and live, as the leader of her people. Because of him shes still trying.

‘You still have hope?”

‘Were still breathing’

But after the fake memories, she doesnt see any benefit to live as someone who can look for her people. Shes already dead, why bother?

3. The fighting pits and the Mountain weather.

Sharp and bright light. The fighting pits is another symbol of her guilt, though Bellamy forgave her, she coudnt do it herself. She didnt win her war with her demons. The BloodRena represent rage, anger for herself, crawled inside Clark. The Maya is the sigh of her moral system confused, her inner guilt for what she thought she would never have done as a child on Spacekru ship.

4. The home

The place where Clark feels most safe, focused and calm. Warm,

light colors and drawings not from her memories, bur from her feelings. The most significant drawings are Ebby, Madi and Bellamy. Its her family now. There she meets Monthy, there she finds her dad alive.

Its her heart in this home.

Her last hope is to live for Madi, as Monty reminds her. To be a mother to a child she raised. I mean, obviously, Madi is the last reason, why Monty as her mind protection appears. Monty was her friend, who truly figured that sometimes good and evil are twisted, and having burden of blood hands doesnt mean ure a bad person, but still means that its the best way to live and find peace.

There she is a ‘parent’.

Anyway, this Clark destination is to forgive herself and to start create something new through the ashes, to find something beside Madi, her people and Bellamy to live for. To heal and become more balanced.

Whats about Josephine?

Her line is connected to Clarke one, as their minds are tangled.

Let me say one thing, she is really hell of sociopath. I do not hate her as a character, but I do see the motivation of her behavior.

The thing is that in Josephine minds her father is the really important figure, affecting her the most through all stages of life. His voice is everywhere, in the library(her voice from childhood memories, calling him. reading letters). Through the door. He is shouting ‘The Sanctum is mine’. This pair could be compared to Odin and Hela relationship. Same spirit there.

Her brain structure is the library, completely rationalized and sorted. She doesnt feel mercy or regret, pity or happiness, pain or pleasure. She doesnt understand human emotions, as she is not able to comprehend them fully. By all sort, she is freaking genius(knows various language, deep in biology and science, gifted for art) but by the cost of her mental disorder. In her memories she adored herself so much that she could stop drawing her first body. She doesnt know what moral is. Its a blurry concept for her.

Her moral is to provide herself the immortality on all costs. She doesnt find it right or wrong to murder, to betray, to tortue. She doesnt care about anything but about herself. Not life of a newborn baby, her friends lover, her father could prevent her from achieving the goal. Its truly frighting and dreadful. She shouldn't be in the lead at all.

Read this to insure yourself that Jo is in fact sociapath https://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html.

And she knows that. Her hidden thing is the awareness on that. She doesnt accept it at all. She is savoring it, not trying to control or to restrict herself. Its caused by the trauma of guy who kills himself , but still not completely.

I also liked the referral to the predator behavior( dialogue of J and R, when they are haunting Clark), as the main concept of Lightbourne views.Besides, they regard science as the God for them, it means the complete refusal to moral question and ethics.

Josephin: I studied all species, insects are almost fascinated me the most,...ruthless. People theyre so messy, theyre too emotional.

Josephin: You, nulls, are more than worthless, you all don have positive value. You are less the useless. U delude the bloodlines...

So on.

From Clarks side theres a lot of talking whats right or what wrong, even with ALLIE. What defines God.

Its not a coincidence that she tells Monty about the God question, overshadowing Lightbournes things. About connection of moral and real life.

‘I dont want to decide for everyone, Just for myself’

Its a good thrust that through her mind projection of Monty she still thinks:

The end does not justify the means

Murder is still murder, whatever it brings after, peace or war.

She doesnt devalues the human life. Thats why Clarke is the best leader from the start. Her moral compass is always there to remind her that leadership should be based on clean hands, true intentions to help and grow, not in dark night, but in the light of a new day.

Clark also says: ‘Theres no joy without pain’.

For me, it sums up all of her personality. Meaning - to have something good, first sacrifice. To earn happiness you should feel the real anguish. But even after the pain, you are capable of finding hope and peace. Thats why she agrees to go with Monty and fight J.

That what differs Clark from Lightbourne.

She is still in a process of defining what decisions shed like to make, what person she should be. She senses and appreciates.

Lightbournes are in stagnation there.

The last few senconds

Bellamy is just the ‘heart’ all over the place. He is back to his natural statue.

That means head and the heart in work, which, I remind you, always the best.

Thanks for reading.

All the love :)

[wistfulcynic]

Another Brick In The Wall: Chapter 8

a/n: Effusive thanks to @hollyethecurious for the artwork! I love it so much! Thanks also to everyone for reading, commenting, kudos-ing, and reblogging! I'm so pleased by the way people have been engaging with this story. Love you all xxx

Summary: Emma Swan, sheriff’s daughter, mayor’s niece, quarterback’s girlfriend, is the undisputed princess of Storybrooke High. She is smart and confident and used to getting what she wants. What she wants is Killian Jones, the new boy in school. But Killian is not easily manipulated, and reluctant to allow the dark secrets in his past to touch the girl he is rapidly falling in love with.

Rating: T

Read it on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Tags for: @darkcolinodonorgasm @jennjenn615 and @resident-of-storybrooke

Chapter 8: 

Killian was out of school for a week, for a “mental health break” he called it with a chuckle, apparently a term he’d gotten from Dr Hopper. He saw the psychiatrist daily during this break and spent the rest of his time at the harbour with Liam, working on their boat, reading, playing his guitar, and talking with his brother about everything that had happened. 

“We’ve hashed it all out in excruciating detail,” he told Emma as they sat together in the boat’s cabin, she working on her college essays while he practiced a new song. “It’s such a relief to be able to really talk to Liam again. There was a time when we had no secrets between us. He showed me all the information he had collected on Milah and her situation. Apparently her divorce is almost finalised and next month she’s starting a job teaching English in Japan.” He smiled. “She’ll like that, a chance to travel. What she always wanted.” 

“Hmmmph,” said Emma, glaring at the screen of her laptop as she typed rapidly. 

“Swan,” he admonished, giving her a mock scowl as he strummed a chord at her. 

Emma slammed her hands down on the keyboard. “Killian, I just don’t know how you can be so forgiving after what she did to you.” 

He set the guitar aside and his expression became serious. “I have to be, don’t you see?” he asked, looking at her intently. “I can’t hold on to my anger or it will eat me alive. I didn’t even realise how angry I was until Dr Hopper helped me see it, and how by not acknowledging it, allowing myself to feel it, and then letting it go, I was only hurting myself. Besides, I did genuinely care about Milah, and I’m glad she’s finally in a place where she can be happy.” 

“Hmmmmph.” Emma concentrated on deleting the gibberish she’d produced by her attack on the keyboard.

“A place that doesn’t include me,” said Killian brightly, picking up the guitar again and plucking out a cheery tune. “That’s good, isn’t it Swan?”

“I suppose so,” she grumbled. “Though I’d still prefer if the place was dark and scary and full of nettles.” He laughed heartily at that and she couldn’t hold back an answering smile. “Hey, I’m nearly done with this, will you read it over and make sure it’s okay? Just check my grammar and punctuation and stuff.”

“Of course, love, though I’m sure it’s already brilliant.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Freed from the weight of his worry and guilt, Killian gradually began to smile more easily, and his witty, teasing nature (“cheeky git,” Liam called him, his voice irritated but with a relief so profound it bordered on joy in his eyes) came more readily to the fore. When he returned to school the following Monday, he moved through the halls with a swagger that Emma had never seen on him before. Unlike the arrogant, bullying one that Neal always had Killian’s evoked a simple self-assurance that she had to concede looked really good on him. Despite how much emotional baggage he still had to work through he clearly wasn’t burdened by shame anymore, and equally clearly did not intend to take any crap from anyone. 

This made itself evident that morning when he shut his locker and turned towards his first class, only to find himself confronted by Felix and Rufio. 

“Really, chaps?” he said, raising an eyebrow at them. “You couldn’t even wait until after school so you could chuck me into the bins, like proper high school bullies?”

This mockery went clean over the other boys’ heads, and they continued to block his path, trying to look intimidating while also trying not to be intimidated by Killian’s calm demeanor and his amused expression. 

Felix, the sligtly cleverer of the two, suspected he was being laughed at but couldn’t put his finger on why. He didn’t like it. 

Bristling, he sneered at Killian. “Bet you think you’ve won,” he snarled. “Now that Neal’s in jail and out of the way. Now you can move in on Emma like you did on that—” he broke off as Killian stepped into his space. There wasn’t much difference in height between them, but somehow Felix had the impression of Killian towering over him, his face calm but his eyes darkly furious, and for once in his life he felt a stab of genuine fear. 

“I’m only going to say this once,” growled Killian in the new, lower register his voice had taken on more often of late, “So you’d better listen carefully. Your mate Neal is a criminal, and not even a good one. He’s in jail because he’s stupid, and that’s nothing to do with me. I have no doubt it’s where he’d always have ended up eventually. Bit of advice: If you’re going to steal confidential information, don’t take pictures of the evidence on your phone, and definitely don’t then show those pictures to the sheriff’s daughter. Neal got what he deserved. I now consider this matter closed, and if you or anyone else—” he raised his voice so that the rapidly assmbling crowd of onlookers could all hear, “—tries to take it any further, you will not care for the repercussions.” 

Felix wasn’t sure what “repercussions” were, but the hint of repressed violence in Killian’s manner made him keen not to find out. He had always been content to follow Neal, less out of respect for the other boy than a simple unwillingness to make a thing out of Neal’s belligerent insistence that he should be the one in charge, but he’d always sensed that there wasn’t much substance underneath Neal’s bluster. Killian however didn’t bluster. He simply stated facts, and Felix could tell that he was not the sort of person to make a threat he couldn’t back up with action. Perhaps it was time to step out of Neal’s shadow, thought Felix, and take over leadership of their little gang. He certainly couldn’t do a worse job of it than Neal had, and escalating a pointless conflict with a guy who looked prepared to fight dirty if necessary was much more Neal’s style than Felix’s. He nodded at Killian, and stepped back. Rufio looked surprised but followed his lead. 

Killian nodded back then transferred his glare to the crowd of onlookers, which had grown considerably in the past thirty seconds and now included Emma and Ruby, he could see out of the corner of his eye. “As for what you may have heard about me,” he said, loudly enough for all to hear. “It’s all true.” He smirked for a moment as a gasp went through the crowd, then his expression hardened. “It’s also no one’s business but mine, and those in whom I choose to confide. This is all I have to say on the subject. Now, if you’ll all excuse me I don’t wish to be late for class.” He slung his satchel over his shoulder and headed down the hall, turning his head briefly to shoot Emma a wink. People moved aside to let him pass and as soon as he had turned the corner furious whispering erupted in his wake. 

Ruby pursed her lips. “I may have underestimated him,” she remarked. 

Emma’s heart was pounding, a familiar occurrence where Killian was concerned, but this time it felt different. She’d been worried about how he would react to the ineveitable curiosity and questions from their classmates, but this smooth handling of a potentially explosive situation instead of calming her fears instead filled her with the wild desire to run after him, to fling herself into his arms and kiss them both breathless. 

“He’s just so wonderful,” she sighed, and Ruby laughed. 

“Down, girl,” she teased. “I’ll grant you this one’s worth your time, unlike the douchemaster general, but remember we’re in school. No one wants to see that.” 

Emma rolled her eyes and gave her friend a shove, but the butterflies continued rhumba-ing around her insides, this time accompanied by an odd, hollow sort of ache as she remembered her resolution not to pursue Killian anymore. She was now all but certain that she loved him, that beyond the hot, tingly sensation she always felt in his presence lay a profound devotion. She would do anything for him, sacrifice anything to give him what he needed, and that terrified her. For the first time in her life Emma felt vulnerable, exposed, as though her chest were torn open and her heart lain bare to the mercies of fate and one gorgeous, troubled boy. She hated it. Even knowing that Killian would never intentionally hurt her was no consolation when the truth was that he could hurt her simply by caring deeply for her as a friend. If that was all she could ever have from him she would take it, she knew, without pushing for more, but it would be a wound on her heart that would never heal. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He’s a bully,” shrugged Killian at lunchtime, when Emma, this time accompanied by a very inquisitive Ruby, found him in the library. “Bullies are just cowards at their core, and cowards are easy to intimidate. He won’t do anything because he won’t want to call my bluff. I might not be able to back it up but he’ll be too scared to risk finding out.” 

“And what would you have done if he had called your bluff?” inquired Ruby. 

Killian shrugged again. “Probably got the shit kicked out of me.” 

“Would you have, though?” Ruby pressed, watching him through narrowed eyes.

He returned her stare with a look of wide-eyed innocence. “There were two of them to only one of me. Seems inevitable.” 

“Does it?” Ruby’s disbelief was almost palpable, and having fenced with Killian for months now Emma shared her friend’s suspicion that he was deliberately underplaying his fighting skills.

“Let’s hope we never have to find out,” said Killian with a small smile, in a tone of voice that made it clear he would answer no more questions on the subject. “I quite like my face arranged the way it is.” 

“It is a nice face,” said Ruby with a wolfish grin that widened as Killian’s ears turned pink. “But I didn’t come here just to flatter you. Victor asked me to ask you if he could have your phone number.”

“My number?” Killian blinked in surprise. 

“Yeah, there’s some concert in Portland and he doesn’t have anyone to go with and he thought you might be interested.” 

“Um, sure, I guess.” Killian rattled off the number and Ruby sent Victor a text. A minute later his phone buzzed and he looked at it, snorting as he read the message. “Bit of a wanker, your boyfriend,” he remarked to Ruby. 

“I don’t know what that is but I’m somehow sure that Victor is one,” smirked Ruby. “Is that gonna be a problem?”

“Not at all, I’m rather fond of wankers,” said Killian absently as he typed his reply. “My brother is one, after all.” His phone buzzed again almost instantly and he raised an eyebrow at what he read on it. 

“Ems, I think maybe we should leave the boys to their chat,” said Ruby, and as much as she hated to sacrifice free time with Killian, from the way he was fixated on his phone, his expression almost gleeful as he typed rapidly, Emma had to admit she was probably right. 

“Okay,” she said. “See you in class in a few minutes, Killian. And maybe hang out after school?”

“Hmmm? Oh, I have an appointment with Dr Hopper at four, but I can text you when I’m done.”

“Okay.” She smiled at him but his attention was back on his phone, so she followed Ruby out of the library trying not to feel too disgruntled. Killian should have other friends, she told herelf firmly, male ones who shared his interests. That was normal, and he could use some normal in his life right now.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next few weeks, things at school settled back into a routine, albeit one that was markedly different than it had been. Neal had been officially arrested after David’s investigation, charged with burglary, theft, and theft of a medical record, and was facing up to five years in prison. His parents had put up their house as collateral to pay his bail, but weren’t allowing him to return to school. 

“Not much point when he’ll just go straight back to the slammer after he’s sentenced,” said Ruby viciously. “So much for that football scholarship he was so cocky about.”

Emma tried to find some compassion for Neal and what was basically the wreck and ruin of his future, but couldn’t dredge up a single particle of it. He had committed several felonies for no other reason than to stick it to Killian for outsmarting him and for becoming her friend, and he’d committed them flagrantly and with no thought to the consequences. He’d probably thought there wouldn’t be any consequences. Killian was right: Neal deserved everything that was coming to him, if only for being so colossally, arrogantly stupid. 

People still whispered about Killian as he walked through the halls but true to character he paid little attention. He did, however, gradually began to open up more and allow more of himself to show through his defences, willingly participating in classes and talking to people other than Emma and Ruby. By the time finals week arrived had actually made a few friends. 

Killian reflected wryly that in a twisted sort of way Neal had done him a favour. With all his secrets now out on the open he was free to embrace the opportunity for a new life he’d found in Storybrooke. Not that there had been anything particularly wrong with the old life, at least since his father had finally left. He’d been a mean old drunk, Brennan Jones, and by the time he’d been forced to flee his creditors for good, stealing a boat from Bristol harbour and melting into the offshore underworld, his sons had been glad to see the back of him. Killian thought about what he himself had been like back then, before Milah, and even though it had only been about a year since he’d first become involved with her so much had changed both in his circumstances and in himself, he feared that hopeful, enthusiastic boy was lost forever. Who exactly had taken his place was the question Killian had asked himself daily for weeks now, and he still wasn’t sure how to answer it. He’d become so used to holding everything in, to keeping such a tight rein on his thoughts and feelings that letting them out, accepting that it was okay to express them had become almost unbelievably difficult. The only person he felt even remotely comfortable being fully himself with aside from Liam was Emma, whose support and friendship remained unwavering as he bumbled and struggled thorough the reclamation of his life, and he remained intensely grateful for it. 

Only one thing about Emma troubled him-- that she no longer seemed to be interested in anything beyond his friendship. All the little hints and cues she had been giving him since they’d met were suddenly gone, and while he was relieved to be free of the added stress of constantly resisting something that part of him desperately wanted, he couldn’t help wondering if there was a darker motivation for this abrupt about-face. Perhaps, whispered an evil little voice in his head, Emma was actually more disgusted by his past than she let on and was simply too kind to tell him directly. Maybe the thought of him touching her turned her stomach now. He certainly couldn’t blame her if it did.   

“What do you want from your relationship with Emma?” asked Dr Hopper one afternoon, after Killian had finally brought himself to mention the change in her behaviour. “Do you want it to be romantic?”

Killian frowned, struggling to sort through the complex tangle of his feelings about and for Emma. “I don’t want a romantic relationship with anyone,” he said finally. “I still feel too messed up for anything like that. But I— I’m still really attracted to her. I think about her all the time, about how we kissed at her party, and I want to kiss her again pretty much constantly, but then I remember Milah and how I thought I felt about her, and I just—” 

“You don’t trust your judgement.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Killian, it’s important for you to remember that you have a much more equal relationship with Emma than you ever did with Milah.”

“Equal, with Emma?” Killian snorted. “You have met her, right?”

Dr Hopper smiled patiently. “I understand that you feel she’s beyond your reach, and that’s a separate issue, but what I mean by equal is that she’s your age and at your stage of life. With Milah you were constantly struggling to relate to her life and her experiences, and when you couldn’t you attempted to make up for that by offering her the affection and sexual attention she craved. You forced yourself to offer these things even though you didn’t genuinely feel them because you feared the consequences of not offering them. But with Emma there is no need to manufacture anything. She is placing no demands on you and therefore any attraction and affection you feel for her is genuine.”

“But what should I do about it?”

“Why should you have to do anything? You said you’re not ready for a romantic relationship, and that’s fine. Let yourself heal. The process is slow and frustrating, but believe me you are making progress. Let your feelings for Emma and your relationship with her develop at a pace that is comfortable for you. From what you’ve said it sounds like she will still be there when, if, you’re ready for more.” 

“It’s more than likely she no longer wants more. And even if she did, what happens when she meets someone who isn’t so hopelessly fucked up? Then where does that leave me?”

“Why don’t you worry about that if —not when— it happens?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the last day before winter break, Emma nervously approached Killian’s locker and handed him an invitation to her parents’ annual Christmas party addressed to him and Liam. 

“It’s just a thing they do every year for their friends and our neighbours,” she began to ramble as he examined the card, certain he would refuse and wanting to delay that painful moment. “My mom loves to entertain, and my dad says it’s good for building a rapport between law enforcement and the community, and—”

“Swan,” interrupted Killian, giving her that soft, indulgent look that said he knew exactly what she was thinking. “I’m sure we’d love to attend. Thank you for inviting us.” 

The butterflies soared in a grand jeté, and she felt like she was flying with them. “Great,” she said trying to keep her voice calm, “I guess I’ll see you then.”

Her delighted smile made his breath catch, and his answering grin set her heart galloping. Their eyes met and held, and as the end of semester chaos whirled around them they stood a breath apart, swathed in frustrated yearning and brittle tension, the only two people in the world.  

Then the final bell rang, and they leapt apart, Emma smoothing her skirt with shaking hands while Killian ran his own trembling fingers through his hair. 

“So, onion rings at Granny’s?” ventured Emma, wanting to kick herself for making him nervous again, after all her resolutions, hoping desperately he wouldn’t pull away. 

Killian sighed in relief, tinged with a hint of disappointment. Granny’s was safe. “Sounds perfect, love,” he said. 

[samwinchesterisourhero]

Sam WInchester: The Reluctant Hero

When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros  Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid.  Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer.  Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder.  This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most. 

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world.  Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice.  Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began.  How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer.  Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again.  Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up.  The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either.  It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out.  The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways.  Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her.  Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years,  and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures.  Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on… Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive.  So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes.  There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason…. but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero. By @missjackil

[we-shall-then-burn-togeher-blog]

Betrayal in Your Lies

_“it has to be this way, Lucifer, i have to kill you, these are my orders.”

Michael stated, once again, conviction tinted his voice, his tone didn’t once quiver, despite the comander’s own pain, he didn’t want to do it, never truly did, the archangel still loved his little brother, but he couldn’t revel, he couldn’t disobey; the idea had settled on his mind that their father abscence had been his fault as he never completed the one hardest task God had given him, and that he would only be back whenever it was done… he could bring order and peace to heaven, he could give his frightened, fallen and broken siblings their home back, it only rerquired one thing… one mission he hadn’t brought himself to accomplish. kill the little brother he raised, for reasons he never questioned. and yet it seemed too hard, every time he stood before the devil…before the brother he loved the most once upon a time, throught whom he could still see the fledging that didnt want to die. but… it had to be done, and this time would be the one, he would do the right thing.

Lucifer’s head shook with sigh that hid his heartbreak, he had grown tired of the speech he knew by memory, …all those times in the cage, a part of him ignited by anger, hatred that ran through his veins, and the other… shattered with pain, even while he hated him. he still loved him deeply, he never wanted to fight, he never wanted this- the morning start just wanted his brother, above all, wanted him to stand with him. but tired of asking, tired of resiting it didn’t have to be that way- his choice of words changed, nothing of what he could say would change God’s viceroy’s conviction eitherway, so- what was the point?

_“you see- Michael, I’d like to spend a moment not being reminded that my beloved brother’s life mission is to stab my heart. that’d be y’know.. great”

The words flew from his lips with too little care about the amout of truth they held, it didnt matter anymore did it? his arms folded over his chest and his eyes landed on Michael, locking on his. his annoyed tone accompanied by another sigh likewise.

Suddenly, it seemed like the air became heavier, colder even, causing a shiver to ran down the archangel’s spine.. these vessels, they could bring so many sensations, Their hearts could feel too strongly, too deeply and their celestial host could easily feel through them. Michael fists loosened gradually, softening not only his features but his voice tone, these words weren’t at all what he expected to hear, not even close, and they manged to daze him, and hurt him; all these doubts, hesitation and painful anguish, that perhaps Lucifer never knew of, seemed to settle down on his heart once again, causing a knot on his throat which attempted to drown him, and yet, the commander didn’t quiver in his composure, didn’t break as he very much wanted to.

“Lucifer-”

Michael uttered, letting his head fall momentarily, clenching his teeth just by the thought, for what he was going to do to his own little fledging.

__“I don’t want to do it either, you don’t understand, I love you, little brother but–..”

His speech was interrupted by Lucifer’s voice, louder and angrier this time.

-“Love me my ass! I’m done with your lies! you know what, big bro, just kill me already.”

__“these are not lies, little brother, why is that you don’t believe me?”

Dropping his ward, the oldest archangel walked a couple of slow steps closer to the younger, whose eyes were near lighting up by the rage fed by heartbreak,

-“C'mon really?!” The devil chuckled, sarcastical and incredulous. “right! Because wanting to kill me is the sheer definition of love, sure- forgot that, you know what? All the time in the cage, after you stopped your hourly threats, I thought maybe, just m a y b e, we could get past this… so what ‘bout you shut your fucking mouth and get to it already.”__

Heaving out a sigh, Michael’s gaze wandered away before it traveled back to his brother’s eyes. __“I am trying to reach out to you, Lucifer, I don’t want to fight you.“

The holy prince spoke words the morning star didn’t think he would hear either, a frown settled on his face, staring in confusion to his older sibling, but hope wouldn’t arise the easily, he wouldn’t allow it. -“Yeah? Well, you’re the one who keeps trying to pick a fight.”

Lucifer’s voice was softer now, observing his brother’s every move, he knew Michael, he grew looking up to him, idolising him, he could quickly detect any changes, any oscillation on his behavior-.. was he trying to… disobey?

-“Look i don’t know what’s gotten into you bro but I-…”

__“I love you Lucifer, I don’t lie, and I won’t fight you.”

a stern voice that lingered on the surroundings like an echo to Satan’s ears, /And I won’t fight you/ Words he wished to hear with burning desire pierced his heart like the Lance was supposed to, for once fool enough to let them take hold of him, and arise blind belief, only because he wanted to believe it. unable to find a proper answer or reaction he simple stared, a little perplexed as the older kept walking closer, and closer… and closer. -“I’m sorry what?.” Lucifer could only mutter then, after few seconds that seemed eternal, still unable to fully wrap his mind around it, he kept quiet, bliss grew within the archangel and wrestled with the rest of the confusing emotions he momentarily couldn’t stop.

-“What’s wrong with you Michael?”

Suddenly, as a reason didn’t become clear, everything turned into concern, for him, what had happened to him, it must have been monumental or highly painful for a change like that. But the younger archangel did not get an answer–

Michael’s jaw clenched, his eyes seemed to fill with pain the more Lucifer’s did the opposite, their reactions went in exact opposite directions, the more the devil easied into the idea of his brother not fighting him, the more he filled with hope, the more heartbroken and sorrowful the Holy Prince would get.

– instead, Michael took a final step, too close to his little sibling to be considered normal, gazing into his eyes, this was way worse.. and more painful, but it was too late to turn his back on his own plan, eitherway, if this had to be this way, if he had to carry this burden, he might as well get one little last beautiful thing out of it, and give Lucifer just the same; leaning closer, a teardrop fell from eye as he closed them.

Lucifer’s hues had followed his movements carefully, silently, and now, he followed his motions, a tad bit spellbound, he loved his brother despite all the hate he had felt, he never stopped loving him, adoring him, which was part of what made it all so painfully angering. They were supposed to love each other, over everything, Lucifer might have loved him over their father, and he had expected just the same…

Back before the fall, it wasn’t odd for their graces to mix and twirl and wrap to each other, this was just a little taste of what it was, just with a vessel. The commander’s lips brushed against his brother’s, and Lucifer then carried away by it, dropped his ward completely, now totally vulnerable before Michael, there was the mistake…

Suddenly a tear fell over Lucifer’s face and few words were mumbled against his lips.

__“I am sorry, little morning star.”

Lucifer’s eyes opened wide, attempting to struggle, move away but it was too late, Michael snapped his fingers, his Lance forming on his right hand out of thin air went straight through Lucifer stomach, stabbing his heart and the viceroy’s left arm went around the other’s body, moving his face apart from each other, now able to sense his own heart shattering as he observed his scared dying brother he let the tears form and fall from his green pained eyes.

_“There is no other way.”

Lucifer lips pressed together, Michael had betrayed him, lied to his face… tricked him and yet he could not longer feel hate burning within. teeth clenched, and eyes, full of heartbreak stared up at his weeping brother, as he slowly started to feel his knees weak, grace shone from his chest and gradually crawled up to his face, his hands grasped on his brother’s upper arms, his own eyes which flickered on a dim red shed a tear.

-“Michael..”

Too late maybe- but he understood that this hurt him as much as it hurt himself, this was their father’s fault, not Michael not his, he had made two brothers that loved and love each other do this, and Michael… he was trying to do the right thing, and he was suffering.

–“I… I forgive you..”

The last words struggled to left his lips which poured blood, and then- the brightness reached his face and exploded on a blast of light, Burning the light bringer’s wings on the grass beneath their feet; the oldest archangel sunk to the ground with his little brother on his arms, tears had stopped by now, his arms clung to him tightly, pressing his vessel against his own chest, staying still as Lucifer wings burned over not only the grass but his body too, peeling his skin away and letting this grace shine. He didn’t understand why he had to do this.. and perhaps he wanted to die as well, but he could not, heaven depended on him. And maybe his punishment for this was that he was forced to live knowing that he had to kill the fledging he raised and loved so deeply.

[missjackil]

Sam Winchester: The Reluctant Hero

When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros  Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid.  Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer.  Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder.  This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most. 

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world.  Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice.  Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began.  How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer.  Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again.  Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up.  The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either.  It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out.  The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways.  Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her.  Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years,  and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures.  Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on... Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive.  So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes.  There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason.... but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero.

[thekaeb3412-blog]

The Story of How I Fell In Love With Unwritten History

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met . 

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side . 

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t . 

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending . 

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace . 

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock . 

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling eachother out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our friend Ladaya , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack . 

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

 We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete faliure in the relationship . 

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept amking promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I desrved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal . 

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health . 

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . 

[modestybae]

Interesting that the anon forgot to mention one very crucial point. This sister he’s supposedly in love with does not return his feelings and wants nothing to do with him. At all. But he forces himself on her, manipulates her into staying besides him by using his mental illness as an excuse. And when he says things like “you’re all I have. I’m lonely. Everyone leaves me and I have no one but you” she feels guilty and can’t bring herself to cut ties despite knowing it’s haram.

She tells him she sees no future with him but he persists and persists. She feels incredibly burdened by him, incredibly guilty every moment she responds to a message knowing that she’s disobeying Allāh.  

Okay, so Im going to mash my answer up if thats alright.

@anon Uk, so I didnt know how to properly address this without being brutally honest, and since your’re basically as old as my brother (he’s 18 as well), Imma address it as such. Honestly, if my brother brought up the word marriage right now, I’d probably smack him. And if my brother had a thing for a girl, and wanted to propose in his current stage, I’d personally go to the girl’s father and advise him father against it. Even if he’s planning on marrying the girl in the future (and that cant be guaranteed), he shouldn’t be making the girl tag along on the road trip to haram land. Marriage is a responsibility. It isnt exactly a walk in the park, and it isnt  always rainbows and butterflies and sunshine like it’s perceived to be. Although it definitely has its good days, but marriage is hard work. It’s much more than lusting or being infatuated over someone. 

Since she isnt interested as you’ve said previously, and according to this anon too, you need to let her go. I know how harsh this might sound, and I really dont mean to, but a band-aid needs to be ripped off in one go, eh?                              If a girl is interested in you, and I mean interested because she’s truly interested and not being guilt trapped into staying, you’d know. It’s as obvious as the sun, pretty blinding actually. You wouldnt need to second guess, or hold onto nonexistent ropes of hope. So, no. I dont think you should go and text her and you should definitely leave it at that. Carrying one’s sins is enough, and you really dont want to carry double the sins on your back. 

What I really want you to do is work on yourself. Work on your future. Work on your mental, physical and spiritual health. You’ve a life ahead of you inshallah. Someone not being interested in you, doesnt make you unqualified nor does it make you unworthy of love. This is life, love can be unrequited at times and thats fine, even when it feels like it isnt and even when it feels like it wont ever be. It will be fine. You’ll grow out of it; and someone who’s truly interested in you will come along. Keep praying. Involve yourself in activities in the masjid or the Islamic center. Read, find a hobby. Invest in yourself.                                        Please forgive me if I’ve hurt you; but I’ll be asked over the anons I get and the advises I give. Jazak Allah khair anon UK, and jazak(i) Allah khair to the other anon. May Allah bless you both and guide you and may He grant you ease and happiness in this world and the next 

[kyvir]

Hello Tyy! Thoroughly enjoy your work on ff, so I have a request! I'd like a canonverse night change on the night Sasuke gave Naruto his message for Sakura and have him go home instead. If you'd be so kind as to write the reunion that'd be amazing! Thanks!

Thanks so much for the request! I love and enjoy your work as well, Blu.

I hope you enjoy Sasuke’s decision to drop by his home… If only for the night.

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The Brief Reunion-

Rating: M

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Though it may have been a clone, Sasuke found himself slightly bothered by having to meet Naruto. He’d been waiting a while and it annoyed him because he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. It had been a while since they’d met and though he had to meet him now for some information, it was hard for him to do so.

Naruto reminded him of home. Reminded him of his family. His wife and daughter, who he never got to see.Actually, he thought of them on a daily basis and that wasn’t the hard part, no he enjoyed thinking of them. But, when he thought of being so close to them, and yet so far away… it hurt.

Once Naruto finally showed up and called out to him, Sasuke turned to look at him.

“You’re late.”

Naruto annoying tried to explain himself and even took the time to complain a bit. Typical of him, but Sasuke wasn’t interested on wasting his time on such blabber.

“I don’t even know my way back home now, damn it!” He whined. “Where are we anyway?”

“Don’t ask me.” Sasuke muttered and then went to change the subject quickly. “So, where’s the scroll?”

Naruto seemed taken aback and somewhat annoyed by Sasuke’s eagerness, but he handed the scroll on over nonetheless.

Things weren’t looking good. It seemed that no matter how hard they tried to maintain peace, there was always something to worry about. Sasuke wanted to finish his mission, to get rid of these threats and know that his family, his home, was safe.

After discussing a bit of the scrolls contents with Naruto, Sasuke stood, feeling confident that this new information would help him a great deal. Though he’d never expected Danzo to have any information on Kaguya, he was happy to have any information he could. Pretty soon, this would all be over.

“I didn’t get it at all.” Naruto admitted. That didn’t surprise Sasuke, and this wasn’t Naruto’s mission, it was his.

“But with this,” Sasuke said as he got to his feet. “I should be able to get closer to the Time-Space where Kaguya existed.”

“Hey, you’re leaving already?” Naruto asked with disappointment. “What’s wrong with coming back to the village for a while?”

Sasuke turned to Naruto, his brows knitted together. Naruto knew his reasons for keeping a distance well enough, and he didn’t take too lightly to Naruto’s suggestion, even if he did mean no harm.

“Naruto…” He chided him before looking away, his mind going to his wife. She was a saint for putting up with him and all his baggage. “Give Sakura a message for me.”

Naruto frowned, feeling saddened by the way things were. He’d always regret things turning out this way for his friends. Neither of them deserved this. Neither of them could ever be completely happy, when they couldn’t ever even see each other.

“Tell her, I’m sorry for everything.” Sasuke told him, and then he was gone, leaving Naruto to mull over his thoughts alone and he couldn’t help feeling, that it wasn’t Sasuke who should be sorry at all.

…

Cursing under his breath, Sasuke leaned against a nearby tree, feeling more torn than he had in the longest time. Sending a message through Naruto, to his wife, was pathetic. He felt like shit. He knew Sakura understood. Knew that she missed him, but would always wait for him. She loved him that much, he knew it, but still, that’s not how he wanted things to be. He worried about her a lot, having to raise Sarada alone, without him every being around. Hell, his own kid didn’t even know him.

Meeting with Naruto truly hadn’t been good for him, because as much as he knew he shouldn’t do it, he was going back. He had to see her, to tell her himself, if only to know that she really did understand. Did she forgive him? Would she welcome him home with open arms, or send him packing, which in his eyes would be what he deserved. It was true that he was only trying to protect them, and Sakura knew that, but still, they were his only family and he was never there for them.

He almost turned around when he arrived at their home. It was late. He shouldn’t be doing this, he really shouldn’t… But, he had to.

Before he could stop himself, Sasuke walked inside and silently closed the door behind him. He took a moment to look around, taking in his home for the first time in years, though not much had changed.

It was quiet in the house and for a moment, he feared that Sakura may have been sleeping. He knew Sarada would be, having academy the next morning and all, but he hadn’t thought if Sakura would be or not. If she was, he’d wake her because he’d come this far. There would be no leaving until he saw her, spoke to her, and showed her just how much he truly missed her.

A loud crash and the sound of something breaking, followed by and even louder, “Shannaro!” told him that she was actually more than awake. The sound was enough to draw a smirk to his lips and he found that his feet had no intention of letting him stall any further. It would probably be hard to leave, in fact he was certain it would be, but he couldn’t stop himself.

He only hoped he was making the right decision.

Sasuke felt guilty for many things, but he refused to feel guilty for a leisure night and seeing his wife. Nobody was following him, though he was still taking a risk in coming here. He had to believe if he deserved nothing else, he deserved one night… and if he didn’t, Sakura did.

Their bedroom was where he found her. The door was wide open, so he could see her instantly. She was on her hands and knees, picking up several pieces of broken glass, that had once been a picture frame. She was biting her lip, looking quite conflicted and deep in thought. Sasuke wondered idly if Naruto had delivered his message, if that’s what had her so shaken.

Once each piece of broken glass was gathered into her grasp, she stood with a sigh, taking only one step before she noticed him in the doorway, watching her. Lips parting in surprise and green eyes widening considerably, she dropped the already shattered frame and once more it clashed to the floor, all around her feet.

“S…Sasuke…kun.”

Instantly, he was before her, gazing down at her adoringly. He’d missed her more than she’d ever know. More than he’d ever admit.

“Sakura…”

Overwhelmed with emotion, tears welled in her eyes and Sakura flung her arms around her husband. My, how she’d longed for this day, and not only her, but Sasuke as well.

It felt good to see her. To hear her voice. To feel her against him.

He wrapped his lone arm around her in return to her embrace, and rested his chin atop her head.

“I’ve missed you.” She grumbled into his chest, but he was still able to make out her words.

Sasuke said nothing in return, but when she leaned back to gaze at him, he released her to bring his hand to her face instead. His fingers ghosted over her cheek tenderly and as she met his eyes, she noted the pain that was there.

Usually, Sasuke wasn’t an easy person to read, even for her. But at that moment, she could see the confliction he felt, the concern, the guilt, and it only made her hold him tighter.

“How long do we have?” She asked, knowing by the look on his face alone that he wasn’t home for good.

That didn’t matter to her though. Just knowing that he’d come to see her, if only for a moment. For her, it was enough.

“Just the night.” He murmured quietly in answer, his hand now cupping her face as his thumb stroked her cheek affectionately.

Sakura nodded in understanding, but Sasuke frowned. His wife was strong, he knew it better than anyone and though he admired her greatly because of it, he resented himself for putting such a heavy burden on her. He’d been doing it his whole life. When would he ever be able to make her truly happy?

“You should have a nice meal while you’re here… Oh, and a shower! I’ll-”

“No.” Sasuke cut her off.

Food was the furthest thing from his mind and he’d stopped to bathe not long before meeting Naruto, but it warmed him to the depths of his soul to see how much she cared. She would always worry about him before herself and this annoyed him. He loved it, he adored her for it, but things should have been the other way around. He didn’t deserve her kindness, her love and affections.

She’d always been far too good to him.

“Is everything okay?” She asked worriedly then. “You’re not injured, are you? You should rest-”

Sasuke cut her off once more, though this time by sealing her lips in a kiss. Astounded by the abrupt kiss and even more-so by how quickly it ended, Sakura gaped at her husband with pinkening cheeks.

Sasuke smirked at this and casually ran his thumb across her bottom lip, his eyes softening.

He really had missed her.

“Uh… Um…” Sakura averted her eyes nervously, having never anticipated this happening to her tonight. For a moment, she felt as if she must have been dreaming. But then, this was far too real and too amazing to be a dream.

“Thank you, Sakura.” Sasuke told her meaningfully. When it came to her and all she’d done for him, and continued to do, he’d always be thankful. No words could express his gratitude. She looked back to him timidly, her heart pounding.

“I mean it.”

“Sasuke-kun,” She whispered, gripping her hands into his cloak. “You don’t have to thank me. Ever.”

Fingers slipping into her hair, Sasuke tugged gently, forcing her head back at the same time he leaned down and kissed her again, this time much more passionately. Sakura kissed him back desperately, holding onto him for dear life.

Things were heating up and moving rather quickly. Before either of them knew it, they’d shed all their clothes and ended up on the bed together, an eager Sasuke on top of an equally eager Sakura.

“Sasuke-kun!” Sakura gasped as he pressed himself against her, his long and thick member prodding against her entrance before he filled her completely and so suddenly that she lost all her breath.

It hadn’t taken long (seconds really), for her to be more than ready to accommodate him, but it had been so long that she nearly forgot how it felt.Sasuke had almost forgotten himself, or rather, he remembered well enough, he just missed it; and nothing compared to pleasing his wife because it was so… pleasurable.

He moved slowly, enjoying the feel of her as he held himself up with his only arm and trailed hot, wet kisses from her lips, down her throat and to her breasts. His tongue laved at her skin, and the longer his stuck to one spot, the more forceful his mouth became. He nipped at her skin and suckled it too, leaving marks behind that she could heal, or enjoy until they vanished on their own. Honestly, he hoped she’d leave them.

When they were together like this, nothing else existed and Sasuke found himself more vehement and affectionate in those moments than he usually ever would. Sakura moaned loudly, her hands digging into his raven locks as he had his way with her body. Though it was the first time in such a long time, he reminded her easily of just how strongly he could make her body react to him.

Sasuke was close, so close he’d had to stop completely for a moment to collect himself and remember just who he was here to please. Himself, yes, he wanted to please himself but he wouldn’t forget about his wife. She was building towards her own orgasm, and though he was prepared to stop moving for a bit and tease her body until it begged for release, as he laid still, most of his weight rest on her body and his length throbbed inside her, he felt her body convulse.

Eyes rolling in the back of her head, Sakura groaned loudly and Sasuke kissed her hard to keep her quiet. The last thing he needed was Sarada waking up and coming to find out what her mother was moaning and groaning about in the middle of the night.

It wasn’t easy though, even keeping himself quiet as he moved again, thrusting himself inside her only a few more times before they both fell apart together. Sakura’s entire body trembled with aftershocks of her orgasm and Sasuke laid on top of her, completely breathless and at a loss.

How he’d ever gone so long without her, he’d never know.

…

“It’s been so long… and yet… with you being here now, it almost feels as if you’ve never been gone.”

Sasuke sighed and turned his face to kiss Sakura’s forehead. They’d gotten more comfortable in bed and were now under the covers, laying together. Sakura was halfway on top of him, much like he remembered her being when they’d used to sleep together. He hated to have to leave her at all, but he was thankful for what time he could have. He made himself believe that Sakura was looking at it the same way.

“I really am sorry, Sakura.” He wanted her to know that, to understand how sorry he was, but no words would ever be enough to explain his feelings, and he wasn’t good with words anyway. Luckily, that was something else she seemed to understand.

“Don’t say that.” She tipped her head back a bit to glare at him. “You know you’re only gone for good reason.”

“I know.” He muttered. He did know, but that still didn’t make it any easier.Sakura frowned but snuggled up to him again. Oh, it was heaven. She wished they could have this moment forever. “I’m the one who is sorry. You shouldn’t have to bear this burden alone.”

“I’m the only one who can.”

Rolling her eyes at this, Sakura found herself smiling in reminiscence. “You never change, do you?”

“Hn. Neither do you…” He smirked. “Annoying.”

She giggled then. How she wished he was around every day to call her annoying. “I miss you, so much.”

“I know. In time though, I’ll be home. For good.”

“Sarada asks about you. She looks just like you, you know…”

Sasuke flinched then. Though he was sure Sakura was doing an outstanding job of raising their daughter, with love and care enough to drown the child, he still feared her turning to hatred because of him and the last thing he wanted was for her to ever end up like him.

“She’ll never forgive me.” He muttered, more to himself than to Sakura and that was when she sat up in bed and really glared at him.

“Don’t say that!” She scolded him, pointed her finger into his chest. “Sarada loves you very much, even if she can’t see you right now. She’s a very kind child and once she can show you, you’ll see for yourself. She will always love you, just as I have.”

If there was one thing he truly hated, it was getting in his feelings. That was way out of his comfort zone, though he supposed with Sakura… it wasn’t the first time… she’d love him anyway, “I can only imagine how much she’d grown.”

“Oh, so much. She’s brilliant, and beautiful.” Sakura grinning broadly, it was easy to see how proud she was. Sasuke was proud too. He wished Sarada would know that.

“Of course she is.” He sighed and pulled her down, back against his chest before wrapping his arm snuggly around her.

Sakura rested her head on her husband’s chest and yawned. She was tired but she never wanted to sleep with Sasuke here. She only had so much time before he’d be gone again and there’d be no telling when she’d see him again.

“Sleep,” He told her with a yawn of his own. “I’ll wake you before I go, I’ll take a short nap as well.”

“Okay, Sasuke-kun… I love you.”

“I love you too, Sakura.”

Loved her, respected her, cherished her. He felt certain that she’d never be able to grasp how much she truly meant to him and her knew, he didn’t deserve her, but he was damned glad he had her.

…

“I wish you didn’t have to leave.” Sakura pouted and Sasuke knew she was really struggling to keep it together.

He knew it’d be hard to leave, for the both of them. “I know. I’ll be back though.”Sakura nodded. “I know… you always come home.”

Leaning down, Sasuke kissed her hard, savoring the feel of her lips against his. She was blushing scarlet by the time he pulled away. “Take care of yourself, and Sarada. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”

“Easier said than done.” She scoffed. She’d always worry about him. Taking care of herself and Sarada was just second nature to her.

She hugged him tight, wishing she never had to let him go but she did, and she didn’t want to make it any harder on him. So, after a moment, she pulled away, forcing herself to let go. It wouldn’t be forever. It would be time for Sarada to get up soon and she knew he’d want to be long gone before daybreak.

“But don’t worry, we’ll be fine too, as long as you are. We’ll be here waiting for your return.”

Sasuke nodded, knowing that they would be. He hoped to be back sooner, rather than later. After coming home, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay away. Years was something he wasn’t willing to waste. He’d already wasted too many. This mission was important, his family’s safety was of the upmost importance, but he wanted to be home with them. He couldn’t though, as long as he was putting them at risk to his enemies.

“Thank you, Sakura. For everything.” He gave her a soft smile, tapped her forehead and then he vanished in a puff of smoke, as if he’d never been there at all. It wasn’t easy for either of them, but he had to go.

He had to go, but he had so much to look forward to when he finally would be able to come home. He couldn’t wait, and with that to think about, he found himself in a much better mood as he headed towards his next destination. Soon, his travels would be over.

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[narrylove-blog]

loving and hurting (a narry one shot)

the three times harry treated niall like shit, and the one time he didn’t (angst) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Word Count: 1918

“Harry, c'mon, please,” Niall whined, tugging at his boyfriend’s sleeve. They were on the couch, Harry busy on his phone and Niall begging Harry to take him out today. He was so desperate for Harry’s attention, even if its just a little bit of it. Harry’s been on his phone since this morning, and as much as Niall didn’t wanna be a nuisance, he just wanted his boyfriend to pay attention to him.

“For the last time Niall, I don’t wanna go out.” Harry sighed loudly, as if to imply what a burden Niall is being. Niall’s face falls a little, but he quickly recovers and tries one more time. “Please, Harry, there’s a special occasion today,” Niall pleads, hoping that Harry would finally be convinced.

Harry scrunches his nose, trying to think of what could be so important today. “Huh? What are you talking about?” Harry replies, not a single idea coming to his mind.

Niall’s heart drops to the pit of his stomach, “you-you don’t remember?” Niall’s so disappointed now, he thought that his boyfriend would remember his birthday. It doesn’t even matter to him if he didn’t get any presents from Harry, just knowing that he cared enough to remember his birthday would have sufficed.

“No,” Harry shakes his head, “is it important?” he questions. “No, no it’s not,” niall whispered with a heartbroken tone, which Harry didnt seem to notice. He goes back to his phone, while Niall stands up and exits the living room.

Niall doesn’t talk to Harry for the whole day.

Harry didn’t seem to care.

-

Harry thrusts into the woman underneath him, yelling obscenities as he moans at the intense feeling.

“Fuck, dammnit, you feel so good,” he grunts, already nearing his climax. He knew it was wrong, but he didn’t really care at that point. All he could focus on was the amazing sex he’s having and how good it was making him feel.

“Baby, I’m hom-”, Niall gasped at the scene in front of him. His boyfriend, his fucking boyfriend, has a woman underneath him and is fucking her in their house, in their bed, lying on their sheets, on their pillows. He watched as his lover came inside the woman, watched as his face became overcome with a blissed out expression.

It took about 30 seconds for Harry to look towards the door, his eyes showing panic as his brain tries to concoct an excuse that wouldn’t make him sound selfish or heartless.

He couldn’t.

“shit, niall, I didn’t know you were there,” he springs out of bed, while the woman tries to dress as quickly as possible so she could leave the predicament she was caught in. Harry stares at Niall, tries to search any sign of emotion, anger, sadness, anything, but to no avail. Niall couldn’t really feel anything at that point, refuses to believe that what he saw was actually happening. But it was, and as he realized that, he broke down sobbing. His heart felt heavy while he shed tears that seemed never ending.

Harry cautiously approached him, kneeling down to engulf the small blonde into his arms. Niall didn’t even try to fight him off, he wasn’t strong enough to do that so what was the point of trying?

“You’re not even drunk,” Niall sputters weakly. Harry didn’t respond, he just held the boy tighter in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” Harry offers a half hearted apology, not really meaning it. He wanted to feel guilty, he did, but he doesn’t. Niall’s shit in bed anyways, it’s not my fault i had to go to look for someone that would actually meet my needs, Harry bitterly thought.

Niall forgave him, Harry sounded so convincing.

Harry’s always been good at acting, Niall doesn’t know why he forgot that.

-

“Harry,” Niall whimpered. He was on his knees, hugging Harry’s legs. “Don’t leave me, please,” He wailed. He didn’t want Harry to leave him. He loved him so so much. Harry had been the perfect boyfriend for him, it hurts that the love of his life was actually leaving him.

“PLEASE, I’LL DO ANYTHING,” Niall yelled, his grip on Harry getting tighter. “I can be better, Harry. I’ll dress better, I’ll learn how to be better in bed, yeah. just please don’t do this.” Niall sobbed. But Harry, he wasn’t phased. He just kept on filling up his suitcase with his belongings, trying to get out of there as quickly as he can.

“Listen, Niall, there’s nothing you can do to make me stay. You’re just getting to annoying for my liking. And you were born bad in bed. No amount of practice will make you better in it. You’re just too bad at it. Accept it Niall, I’m too good for you. You knew from the start that you weren’t good enough for me. It was only a matter of time until I left you. Oh and just an advice, if you want to keep your next boyfriend, you shouldn’t be too clingy. No one wants someone who latches on to you like a leech. Goodbye, Niall,” Harry yanks his legs from Niall. No remorse for what just came out of his mouth. When his whole leg was able to escape Niall’s hold, he ran down the stairs without a second thought, leaving Niall broken.

The door clicked, and Niall knew it was over. He curled up in a ball, tears flowing down his face as his heart clenched to the point that he felt his heart about to burst. He would like that, actually. The thought of him exploding is nothing compared to the pain he’s feeling. He felt knives stabbing onto his heart, his skin, his body, and he knew he would never get better.

And hopefully, hopefully he was wrong.

-

Its one month after that Harry begins to notice that something is missing. That there’s a hole in his heart but he can’t seem to find what fits.

He begins missing the little kisses he got in the morning, the text messages he’d receive everyday that said, good luck at qork today, ill miss you xx -ni, the smile and he was met after a long day at work, the cooking he’d eat heaps and piles off, and the i love you he’d get every night.

Now that he’s alone, there was no one that would give him little kisses, no encouraging text messages, no smile or hug thzt would greet him after work, he’d order take out cause he’s too lazy to cook for himself, and no one to whisper i love you to him at night.

For the next three months, Harry searched. He searched for someone who could fill the void in his heart. He thought it was gonna be easy to find someone that does everything Niall does. I mean, he’s Niall. If Niall could do it then anyone can do it.

He was wrong.

No one else did the things that Niall did. No one was willing to be there for him behind closed doors. Everyone wanted to date him only because of his looks. No one made the effort to make dinner and give him kisses and send him messages. No one was able to love him like Niall did.

It was a Tuesday morning when he finally accepted that he needed Niall. That the void in his heart wasn’t just any void, it was a niall-sized hole in his heart. Only Niall could take that place. He feels so empty without the blonde boy with him. He threw everything inside his room, overwhelmed with the idea that he missed his Niall so much. He decided that he was gonna get his baby back, he had to, or else he was gonna go crazy with the pain he feels.

He tried calling Niall, he wouldn’t answer. He tried to go to their-well now Niall’s house, but he wasn’t there. He wanted to see Niall now, he wanted to see him so bad, and he was determined to see him. Something clicked in him, and he realized that there was one other place Niall could be: the mall. ……. He arrived at the mall and tried to search for a blond head. He looked and looked and looked, but Niall wasn’t there. He was about to give up when he saw him. He looks so beautiful, Harry thinks. He was dressed in tight skiny jeans with an oversized jersey reaching mid thigh. His hair was styled down, and looks so fluffy. Harry ran towards him.

Niall’s eyes widened at the sight of Harry. He hadn’t seen him in about what, four months now? He was shell shocked as he saw the boy he once loved standing in front of Niall begging him to talk to him. “Niall, can we please talk?” Harry asked, and Niall, though a bit wary, nodded.

“Niall, I know i made so many mistakes and I’m not asking you to forgive me right away but-” Harry was cut off by a puppy-looking boy wrapping his arm around Niall’s shoulder. “What’s going on?,” the puppy boy asked, curiousness laced in his voice.

“Umm,” Niall began, “Harry, this is my boyfriend, Liam.” And wow was that painful. Harry feels like a ton of bricks hit him in chest and he suddenly has a hard time breathing.

“Boyfriend?” Harry repeated, his voice cracking a bit. “Yeah,” Niall said, looking at Liam with adoration in his eyes. Just like the way he used to look at Harry. And it hurts, it really hurts. Harry just wants to go grab niall and take him home but he knows he can’t do that. He knows it wasnt his right to interfere with the relationship that made Niall happy. He didn’t wanna make Niall unhappy anymore. So he changed his mind. He wasn’t gonna try to get Niall back.

“Niall, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for everything. I made so many mistakes and I wish that one day you’ll be able to forgive me. I hope you and Liam will live happy, cause that’s what you deserve.” Niall had tears in his eyes and engulfed Harry in a tight hug. “Thank You, Harry,” he whispered in the younger boy’s ear. Harry wrapped his arms tightly around Niall’s waist, indulging in the intimacy, and wondering why he ever took since Niall’s hugs for granted.

When they pulled away, Harry turned to Liam and sternly told him, “Treat him well, okay?” Liam gave him a sincere smile and told him he was, pulling Niall’s body close to him and kissing his hair. Harry pretended that that didn’t hurt, but he supposes it’s only fair, given that Niall suffered too.

“Let’s meet up sometime, yeah? Liam and I have to go now but I really want us to be friends Harry.” Niall looked at Harry with pleading eyes. “Of Course, Niall.” He replied softly with a smile. “Well, goodbye Harry,” Niall said, him and Liam linking their hands together, the pair walking away from the green eyed boy. “Bye,” Harry waved at the happy pair, his heart breaking as Liam kissed Niall’s temple. “I love you,” Harry whispered in the air as he turned around, a few tears rolling down his face.

Then he smiled, cause he knows that Niall is smiling too.

It took him this long but he realized that that’s all he ever wanted, for Niall to be happy.

Even if it Niall’s happy ever after wasn’t with him.

[rougepetale]

What if they didnt escape?

This is set right after Musing on Love chapter 4, I am taking elements of both routes into this and making my own ending…. It is bitter sweet in my opinion.

I could feel the tears streaking down my face, the uncomfortable tightening of the throat. The cruel words I spat at Zyglavis in an effort to cut ties, to make letting go easier.

“Enough already!” I remember shouting at him, he was the last god to leave, I knew it killed him knowing that I would be left behind, the person he loved most in this world, I knew I had to let him go if there was to be any hope for the rebuilding of the world, “You’re just going to be a burden for me if you hang around any longer!” I remember the feather light kiss I gave him. The warmth of his lips still lingered upon my lips.

I looked at the forever locked door, the light no longer shining, the connection to my beloved Zyglavis would be no more and I would die today. But by god I was going down trying.

I would make Zyglavis proud, standing strong until the end. I made one last prayer, this time hoping it would surpass the gods in the wish department and go straight to the king himself. “Please, let Zyglavis live, please let our love surpass death…. Please let him move on without me”.

I stood strong and walked around the mansion, trying to secure the purity. I concentrated, trying to call upon the former goddess that I once was. “Please, please, give me my powers back even if this is the end.” I prayed out loud, I could feel a lightness to my body and I could feel power that I never once have ever felt. Light caressed my skin and out bloomed my true self. The Goddess of Destiny.

I smiled, I could hold onto this world for a while longer, I could prolong my death. I toured the mansion, checking each room out, leaving Zyglavis’ room for last, I couldn’t break down. Not yet. The living room held so many good memories, I could remember the laughter from Ichty and Dui, Scoripo’s foul mouth. I hadn’t noticed till now a beautiful silky red ribbon connected me to the dark door. The red ribbons of fate tied around my pinky finger somehow felt heavier, now that I could see it and I knew this ribbon would be severed forever.

I looked to the front door, remembering that I brought a movie once for our date night. Phantom of the Opera. It was the last movie we ever saw. Zyglavis of course hated the movie, but I loved it.

Wishing you were

Somehow here again

Knowing we must

Say goodbye

Try to forgive

Teach me to live

Give me the strength

To try

The walk to HIS room was painful, I couldn’t say goodbye, and I didn’t have his strength. I collapsed outside of his room, crying.

Despair gripping at my heart. I could feel a tug at my pinkie finger and at the moment I couldn’t care at all. Then, above my despair I could hear a voice on the other end.

No more talk to darkness

Forget these wide-eyed fears

I'm here

Nothing can harm you

My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom

Let daylight dry your tears

I'm here

With you, beside you

To guard you and to guide you

No… it couldn’t be?! I desperately clawed at the door, it opened slowly. There standing on the other end was none other than Zyglavis.

“What?!” I gasped, the information was hitting me harder than I ever imagined.

“Did you really imagine me to be the man to abandon the person I love above all else?” He asked, he gathered me into his arms. I could see the red ribbon of fate tied around his identical finger. Fresh tears burst forth.

“Why didn’t you go back to the heavens?! It doesn’t matter how I feel!” I cried. It was easier to accept my death, knowing that my beloved Zyglavis wouldn’t suffer the same fate.

“I’m sorry…. But I have someone I simply cannot give up” he said with a smile, “Beside, I will always guard you and guide you”

Zyglavis’ fingertips wiped away the tears that once again spilled from my eyes. “We’re probably going to end up being destroyed together, but still you came back.” I thought.

He smiled at me, he sang again,

Let me be your shelter

Let me be your light

You're safe

No one will find you

Your fears are far behind you

He led me to his room, I had been inside many times, but this place would be good as any for a resting place. His song was so heart breaking, I couldn’t not join him.

Anywhere you go, let me go too

Love me

That's all I ask of you

 I could feel the darkness closing in. My divine powers were weakeing. “I love you so much Zyglavis”

He smiled back at me, “I love you too, I will go anywhere you go even if it’s in death” he kissed me passionately. The darkness entered the room, swallowing up all the light left.

He gripped me tightly, he was to be my one and only shelter, he wasn’t going to let me see the end of this world.

The last thing I felt of this world was the passionate kiss that enveloped me. Even in the end of the world, he was my one and only true love

Okay yall, what do you think of this o3o? 

[love-elizabeth-the-3rd-blog]

How the RFA V and Unknown would react to Mc if she had a past she wasn’t proud of

Yoosung:

he noticed that whenever you two were happy together there was a sadness in your eyes

you seemed to have silent moments where you felt sad

like you didnt deserve this happiness or him

yoosung rubbed your back sweetly and asked what was wrong

he was just so sweet

it was hard but you eventually told him, that you aren’t always a sweet person and you have done things that you feel vile about now

he listened attentively to your story

it must of been rough

He hugged you as you tried to blink away tears and comforted you, saying he loves you for you no matter how lost you might have gotten in the past

he says he would always love you no matter what version of you that you might have been and that your mistakes or past don’t define you

he loves you no matter what you’ve gone through

he reassures

Zen:

He understands

he had also had a bit of a rough past

motorcycle gangs, drinking, running away the whole thing

he gets it

it saddens him that you’re so hard on yourself, considering how much of sweet person you are now

he shares some of his stories so you don’t feel alone

he takes your hand and tells you how much he loves you and what an amazing person you are and that he is proud of you for finding your way

gives you so much love and attention

teddy bear zen comforts you for as long as you need till you learn to forgive yourself

You’re worth it, always <3

Jaehae:

you two were chatting while making coffee one day

she had noticed that you seemed to have a heavy weight on your chest that you’ve been carrying

you weren’t as chipper as you usually were, like something you had been dealing with in secret was finally forcing it’s way out

she waited until you were ready to talk but asked if you were okay and that she noticed you seemed to have something on your mind, and that you can tell her anything

you sighed for a moment and after a pause you looked her in her eyes with almost a very saddened worried look, you felt so guilty and wanted to reach out to her but also worried how she would see you if you told her, you just cared about her so much you didn’t want to scare her off

but with what Jaehae said you couldn’t help but feel like you could open up to her

you two spent quite some time talking as you told her your story and what you felt guilty about as she listened attentively

You were so so hard on yourself, she was shocked at that fact more

Mc you had been carrying this around all this time? You felt this way about yourself for such a long time?

It saddens her such a sweet person had such an inner conflict like this, blaming herself and feeling so negatively, while she gave everyone so much love and support, she wanted to return such love and support to mc.

she reached across the table and grabbed mc’s hand as she was lost in thought, squeezing it comfortingly and holding it firmly

“Mc, please don’t be so hard on yourself, you are only human. I care for you very much and want to let you know that I... and the rest of RFA, will never think lowly of you, we are here for you no matter what.”

at this Mc started to tear up, how can such kindness hurt so much

Jaehae comforts you and smiles looking after you and supporting you as you go through these emotions

Jumin:

Oh boy this man and emotions

though with his experience of trying to handle his emotions at his lowest he understands the storm that could be going on inside of you right now

it’s a tough thing sometimes, trying to figure things out when you feel so many conflicting emotions going at each other, so he’s more than understanding, he will be your rock. He was good at being such, according to zen, so if it can help you, he would be glad.

He noticed the one morning while you were sitting at the table, looking listless, he went over and sat with you asking you if anything is wrong.

You shook your head as he went on about if it was the pancakes or if something was uncomfortable he would fix it

“Jumin...”

“Yes, Mc?”

“I have something to tell you.”

You tell him how you feel, how you feel like you don’t deserve any of this, or him, or even friends like the rfa. You tell him you weren’t always this sweet person or innocent, and that the past still haunts her.

As she told him her story, he listened quietly and objectively, without judgement. She teared up as she expressed her fears of him or them pulling away from her because of this.

“Mc.” he said in his usual tone, but it was firm. “No matter what you had done in the past, or who you had been, I will always love you, and so will the rest of the RFA always cherish you.” he wanted to reassure her just how much this story wouldn’t change his perception or feelings for her, because despite what had happened, she was truly a loving caring person that prevailed despite the hardships and mistakes, and he found that truly admirable.

He got up and walked over to her, taking her hand and squeezing it as he kneeled down and kissed it. He lifted his hand and caressed her hair lovingly as he looked to her with admiration and love, giving her a loving reassuring smile. No matter what, he will always love you and feel that you deserve nothing less than being treated like a princess, and the angel he knows you are.

He helps you with your emotional journey and always reassures you and treats you with affection, he is happy he can be a source of comfort for you just like you were for him.

He even hired the best therapists and had other inspirational people with rough pasts speak to you to help you not feel alone.

V:

BOY HOWDY DOES THIS MAN UNDERSTAND

THAT BASICALLY IS HIM ALL THE TIME

This poor tortured soul, he understands the torment so well

he feels sad to see you feel this way though

he feels like he deserves his torment but not you, you are so sweet and warm, he doesn’t want you to feel like this

sympathetic as hell

he comforts you by rubbing your back, or your shoulder, stroking your hair and just hugging you whenever he sees you feeling so down

he whispers comforting words to you and how much you deserve love and happiness

you are not what your thoughts are saying you are

you are not your past or your mistakes

he expresses some of his mistakes and emotions as well so you don’t feel alone

however every time he does you look up to him sadly and grab his hand, your instinct to comfort him so strongly and he feels the same towards you

it helps to see that you feel like he deserves love and happiness and not to be so hard on himself and he says he sees the same when he sees you going through this

you two actually help each other out quite a lot concerning this

He loves your strength and that despite everything you became such a beautiful person

Unknown:

Again, this man understands completely

He knows the feeling of shame and guilt but also having all those negative emotions

oh boy does he understand

he is still trying to come to terms, but when he sees you feel bad about something similar then he’s like NO, HE WILL SAVE YOU FROM THESE EMOTIONS, LET HIM BARE THE BURDEN NOT YOU

You’re a sweet little flower that deserves all the compassion and understanding in the world

so help him damned if he ever let those thought and emotions torture you as if does to him, SO HELP ME HE WILL REASSURE YOU HOW WONDERFUL YOU ARE AGGRESSIVELY AND HOW MUCH EVEN HE ADMIRES YOU

Seriously this boy will not allow you to beat yourself up, no way

He will be your light if he has to, he will not let you feel alone

You always deserve the best

Seven:

No way in hell would he let you think you deserve less

he had no idea that his love had been feeling this way

he doesn’t want you to feel bad about yourself like he had

he really understands how it feels to feel tortured about choices you made or about your past

hell he spent most of his time running from it until you eventually came along

he suddenly feels bad for being hard on you and pushing you away when you were trying to help him

he hopes you’d let him help you this time

He’s always hugging you for long moments tightly, not saying anything but as a comforting gesture

he always comes and check how you’re doing

hacks your computer and leaves loving messages and pictures

sends you funny videos and tries to make you smile

he sometimes jokes around to try and cheer you up but he knows when to be serious too

one day you open up to him and honestly, whatever you did is no big deal to him, he isn't shocked or judgmental, because he can see the truth. You are an exceptional person and the fact that you are so caring and sweet is probably the reason why you feel so horrible about the past or about some of the things you did. It is horrible to be lost, that’s for sure. But he points out the fact of how everyone including him loves you and how you’ve helped them so much and they’d do the same with you, so you shouldn’t feel shame.

Sometimes though he picks you up and plays around, shaking you playfully to get rid of the negative emotions as if it can fall off like fleas or dust.

Probably runs around while holding you pretending he’s a space ship taking you far away from your problems or negative emotions where they can’t find you

Plays around like you’re both undercover and the past can’t follow you

Loves when this makes you cheer up and get out of your head a bit

Seven Zero Seven will always save a pretty lady from feeling bad

Even gathers the rest of the RFA to cheer you up and comfort you

all in all MC PROTECTION SQUAD