#i really think it's central to every action he takes

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Genuinely don't think I've seen anyone talk about chapter 25 as a pivotal moment for Dazai so I'm gonna put this out here because I think his reactions here kind of negate that whole omnipotent Dazai interpretation which I hate with every fibre of my being.

Firstly, he's like, clearly caught off guard here. And don't try to tell me he wasn't, because this is just one instance of his genuinely horrified reaction to Q's release and when he realized what was actually going on with Atsushi, Naomi and Haruno.

Him being caught off guard carries significance here because you'd never catch him screwing up this bad later in the series - which is exactly my point.

I wrote a post earlier about how I don't think Dazai really is very much like Mori or Fyodor at all, and I stand by that, because their motives are different. Tldr for that post: Mori and Fyodor are ambitious and proactive, while Dazai is empty/numb and reactive.

What this leads me to believe is that Dazai is less a chess master like those two and more of a contingency planner - he's so good at "predicting" because he is uncannily good at thinking like his opponent and then planning for literally any possibility under the sun he can come up with. He's no gambler. Everything and everyone is practically (and unknowingly) micromanaged. It's almost paranoid in a sense, and I definitely think it's a trauma response to something he went through that we don't know about yet - after all, he was more than capable of this before he even met Mori.

...which brings to me to Mori's influence here. It's straight up like Dazai forgot how willing Mori is to gamble huge risks for a good outcome. It's like he forgot the mafia could be a real threat to his best-laid plans.

Going to throw out a wild claim here that I don't think is actually all that baseless - I think it's widely assumed that Dazai molds himself to what he needs to be (true!) but I think this misses the idea that he is also easily influenced by the mindsets of the people around him (see: the difference between Entrance Exam Dazai and early manga Dazai, the whole "the longer he was in the mafia the darker and more incomprehensible he became" thing from Stormbringer, how dark his eyes get in the prison sections with Fyodor, etc.). I could go on, but for the sake of not making this post too much longer, let's assume this is true because it suddenly makes sense as to why he failed to predict Q but predicted other events much later that were inherently more difficult to predict:

He was in the wrong mindset. He was thinking like an Agency member, and dare I say, he even got a little complacent. He started to get used to not having to manipulate every last variable - he was removed from a toxic environment - only for Mori to pretty much instantly fuck that up in one scene.

Let's also not forget what happened the last time he miscalculated Mori's intentions.

The consequences of this blunder could've been a lot worse and he knows it.

In his mind, thinking like an ADA member wasn't good enough to stop a potentially awful outcome - awful outcomes that could bring him pain. So, he goes back to what he knows - think like the demon prodigy. Think like Mori. Later on, think like Dostoyevsky. Because it seems to me that he believes as long as he is still working for the light that it doesn't matter if he uses these horrifically manipulative and inhumane methods of getting there. But he is wrong. Darkness within the context of good intentions is still very much darkness, and it hurts people all the same.

In the very next chapter, Dazai arranges Ango's car accident. And he only gets worse and worse throughout the series as he regresses back into his paranoid darkness that manifests as this omnipotent facade - his safety net that ultimately prevents him from developing in a positive, more human direction.

[nohoperadio]

That cool bee book I was talking about a while ago mostly refrains from philosophical digressions (which I think is a strength, I appreciated how the author had total confidence that just clearly presenting the facts about his subject would be enough to make a fascinating book without the need for any "...and here's why that should blow your mind" editorializing, and he's totally right), but there was one towards the end I've found myself thinking about a lot, which is: he wants people to stop using "self-consciousness" (i.e. the concept exemplified by the mirror test but used implicitly or explicitly in tons of other contexts) as a criterion for which animals can be considered sentient/morally relevant/having significant inner lives/however you want to describe it. Not, as you might expect, because he thinks it's an unreasonably high bar to meet, but because it's such a low bar that it produces no distinctions: he argues that basically any animal with any kind of developed central nervous system has to have some kind of self-consciousness almost by definition.

The example I remember best is: imagine you can see an object in your visual field getting closer to you. No matter the specifics, it's obviously always going to make a huge difference to how you evaluate this situation whether the cause of the object getting closer is a] the object is moving towards you, or b] you are moving towards the object. If a, then something might be pursuing you or falling on you or a thousand other things that are just not even worth considering in the case of b. But visually the two cases are indistinguishable; if you're going to be able to track the difference, your brain has to be putting at least some work into keeping tabs on what your own intentions are and what choices you're making as you move through the world, predicting the expected consequences of those choices, and maintaining a fairly tidy mental separation between stuff in the world that you're making happen and stuff in the world that's just happening of its own volition. Otherwise, every time you walk towards a rock you'll freak out and think the rock is rolling into you, or vice versa.

And it's not hard to see how this applies to your entire sensory world right, it applies to sounds and tactile sensations and even feelings internal to your body to some extent, if you're going to both perceive the world and take actions in the world then it's mandatory to mentally separate yourself and the world before that's going to yield even an ounce of helpful information, you just can't function successfully on the most basic level if you're processing stuff that you're doing on the same level as stuff that's happening, if you're in that state then you simply don't have a usable model of the world at all, you just have chaos.

So you can very easily eliminate a certain seductive narrative about the evolution of consciousness, which starts with very primitive animals who are mentally processing nothing but basic sensory inputs, then as you rise up the chain more complex animals are forming concepts of objects and building up a more nuanced understanding of the world, until finally you approach humans and the mind becomes so subtle and sophisticated that it gains access to this special advanced meta-level of thought where it can even understand itself! No, the self is precisely the one idea that has to be in place from the very beginning, before any of it has even the most rudimentary practical value. Self-consciousness isn't the pinnacle of the mind's evolution, it's one of the lowest, most basic foundations that everything else builds off of.

I think this is really cool stuff! I don't know enough about the relevant academic philosophy of mind debates to say how far all this does or doesn't speak to that, maybe someone will tell me the "self-consciousness" concept being attacked here is a strawman somehow, I don't know. But it's definitely impacted the way I (just a dumb guy who likes creatures) think about our small small cousins and what their lives might be like and I think it's super interesting. If you think it's interesting too then maybe you wanna buy The Mind of a Bee by Lars Chittka and read it. It's mostly not about this stuff, as I say it's light on philosophy and heavy on bee-life immersion, but if you actually read this whole post then you're probably in the market for that I feel like.

[calware]

dear calware, I'm not sure how much you know on the topic of Doc Scratch, but I was wondering, why is the common consensus around him that he's like a creepy pedophile? after rereading his messages with Rose, he seems more tone deaf and weird than a fully on creep. is there something I'm missing?

scratch isn't "literally" a pedophile (or a hebephile, which is the accurate term for this situation) which we know because of this

but at the same time, that is still the Way he's written

(i'm sorry if this following explanation is confusing.... i really do not have the right wording to describe it) it's almost like a metaphorical representation. he's a child predator in every way but the actual sexual attraction. the way he's written references the behavior of actual child predators and is meant to signal to the audience that this is the Kind Of Character he is. it's a literary tool(?)to tell the audience that he is literally taking advantage of characters in various ways (as well as straight up abusing damara) while at the time comparing it to child sexual abuse

but if you do want literal actions on his part, he does Literally groom young girls and they are his targets for manipulation

also, directly from the author commentary (which. is not 100% serious at times. but i do think it sometimes offers some actual insight):

I know I just said a bunch of stuff about [DD] maybe being a creep. But look, this is just my OPINION here. I don't think he's actually being creepy about this. I think he has a genuinely parental attitude toward Aradia and wants to see her succeed in her violent and underhanded schemes. See how he wants them to conduct their business with efficiency? He's way too professional to go Full Doc on these girls.

Another peek at Rose suggests she's still at it with her creepy uncle, Doc Scratch.

Then you have a few beats of conversation which bring Equius to mind, such as the creep-factor

[Dirk and Equius] have this creepy-guy streak running through them, with strange or offputting interests, and seem to get a quiet kick out of making others uncomfortable through demonstrations of these fascinations. [...] I'd say these self-examined qualities are just drawn out, isolated, and inflated both for dramatic effect, and also as critical write-up of those qualities existing within many human beings in general, which I would like to think is grounded in a creative process involving a certain degree of humility about some of this bullshit. I like all these characters here, but that doesn't mean I think their unpleasant qualities are good. It just means I am harnessing and heightening those qualities for creating strong villainous portraits.

We start getting the sense that the entire purpose of this conversation, from Doc's vantage point, is just to passive-aggressively manipulate Rose into peering directly into one of his cursed testicles. Wait, my youth pastor is literally barking like a dog right now for some reason. Probably because I put him on a leash and tied him to a post in the backyard. I guess I fucked up again? I mean one of Doc's seeds.

Maybe it's fair to say I have a higher than average tolerance troubling content. But even I have to admit to shuddering a little when I read Doc's creepy lines toward Rose. I think Doc's creep factor toward girls is most likely channeling part of Caliborn's personality, which almost seems to revolve around his horrid attitude toward women. For Caliborn, this weird combination of wrathful misogyny, yet fixation and obsession with certain girls, is obviously central to the type of real-world profile he's meant to portray. But when his personality is more muted among the collective in Doc's head, those qualities come across as more "restrained," "polite," and "flattering," which arguably just makes it all creepier. The result is a creepy dude profile that also exists in the real world, sort of adjacent to the Full Caliborns out there. There seem to be many stripes of this kind of unfortunate male behavior, which all exists in a broader family of sub-Caliborns. The Docs, the Eridans, the Cronuses… They're all sketchy in different ways.

Doc sitting back just to "watch" is another creepy Equiusism. Remember that was a thing with him.

I wonder what Jade would think if she knew she had in her possession since childhood one of Doc's testicORACLES!!! Oracles. The word I meant to say was oracles, not anything else. Anyway, like I was saying, how would Jade react if she realized every time she played with one of her beloved toys, she was actually fondling this weirdo's plump, juicy oracle. I know you think my youth pastor may have something to do with this peculiar outburst, but you're wrong. I "dismissed" him recently, because he told me with great pride that I learned everything he had to teach me. I don't need anyone to keep me from shoving my foot in my mouth anymore, I'm sure you'll be pleased to know. Now let's watch this grieving teen receive a demonic message from an evil puppet's big fat nut.

bonus commentary from book 6 that has nothing to do with the post:

We're reaching a specific kind of story partition. Not the end of an act, but the end of a year. Also an end of "disc," which is a kind of meta-partitioning I just made up for the purpose of closing the book on two years of content, as well as being a good meta-device for introducing the Doc sequence we're about to get into in the next book.

"next book"...... sad

[probablyasocialecologist]

Thousands have hit the streets in NYC, Los Angeles, Washington DC, and dozens of other cities. A DC protest organized by Jewish activist groups drew thousands, and hundreds were later arrested, including two dozen Rabbis. An estimated 25,000 people showed up to a rally in Chicago. These events show no signs of stopping, with many more planned across the coming days. These actions have gone beyond marches, with protesters showing up at the offices and homes of politicians demanding a ceasefire. Six activists were arrested at a pro-Palestine rally outside the Boston office of Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). A large crowd demonstrated outside the Brooklyn home of Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). Jewish protesters showed up outside the Brentwood house of VP Kamala Harris. IfNotNow members have held sit-ins at the DC offices of Schumer, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY), and Rep. Katherine Clark (D-MA). Former staffers for Warren, Sanders, and Senator John Fetterman have publicly urged the lawmakers to back a ceasefire. On October 25, tens of thousands of students across more than 100 North American campuses united in a walkout to demand an immediate ceasefire, an end to unconditional support for Israel, and university divestment from the corporations funding the occupation of Palestine. On the night of October 27 Jewish activists shut down Grand Central Station, leading to the arrest of over 300 people. “This is bigger than we’ve ever seen,” US Campaign for Palestinian Rights (USCPR) Executive Director Ahmad Abuznaid told Mondoweiss. “This is the result of decades of work that we’ve put into this movement, and I think some of it is connected to the [George Floyd protests of 2020]. There was so much racial, social justice, anti-war building in that moment.

[...]

“The man broke my heart,” Palestinian-American comedian Maysoon Zayid told Politico on October 23, “I never in my life thought the empathizer-in-chief would sound the way he did. The Palestinians were given no humanity. Joe Biden should spend every breath he has condemning Israel’s genocide with the same zeal he condemned Hamas’ massacre of civilians, that same zeal. And we get nothing. 1,000 children are dead, and we get nothing.” “It’s really crazy to me that the Democratic party destroyed 20-years of worth of good will with Muslims and Arabs in just 2 weeks, losing an entire generation that was raised in the progressive coalition, possibly forever,” tweeted author and activist Eman Abdelhadi. “The rapidity of it, the finality–it’s astonishing.” “While Republican disregard for Muslim and Arab lives is clearly on display, some Muslim and Arab Americans also feel like the Democratic Party largely takes their vote for granted, though Democrats’ policies never reflect as much,” writes Dana El Kurd in The Nation. “One Arab American friend expressed to me that, at least under Republican administrations, ‘Arabs could find allies’ in their opposition.”

[tinytinyblogs]

Gonna show them you're mine

Seonghwa is tired of keeping you and his relationship a secret; he's ready to take action.

(non-idol au, include one curse word) 2,4k words

💬@s1riushwa Thanks for this request! I hope you like the story I wrote for you. If you have more requests, feel free to let me know—I'm here to help!

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Your insights and reactions make these posts come alive. Love reblogs, comments, and all the good vibes welcome ✨

He's really liked by a lot of people because he represents everything many wish to be. With his good looks, kindness, and caring nature, he seems like the perfect person. When he walks into a room, a bunch of people gather to look at him and appreciate how amazing he is. He has lots of different friends, and it seems like his life is really cool. It's like he's walking on a special path with flowers, a path that others can only dream of. When he's around, people can't help but think he's extraordinary, making him stand out as a really special person. Park Seonghwa is known all over the university, and even students from other schools know him. He's the main person everyone pays attention to, catching the eye of the whole university community. In simple terms, he's not just popular for his looks but also for being an outstanding person at the university. His popularity goes beyond just his own school; it reaches and connects with students from other schools too.

It's not only in his immediate academic surroundings that he gets attention. Instead, his influence and importance go beyond that, making him a central figure in the larger student community. You find yourself to be entirely different and the opposite of him, Park Seonghwa – a regular student leading a simple life that's quite different from his impressive and glamorous existence. Your group of friends is small, and your quiet and understated personality often means some students don't notice you, as you tend to keep to yourself. In every way, you give off an ordinary vibe. Both you and Seonghwa share the same university space, but it's like comparing day and night because even though you're aware of his presence, your lives are quite different. Every so often, you watch him from a distance, observing how people are drawn to him, creating a scene that feels like an unreachable experience in your own quieter world.

Your day usually involves basic activities like coming to the university, attending classes, exchanging greetings with a few familiar faces, and then heading home after it's all done. However, in this routine, there's a noticeable lack of the attention and recognition that seems to naturally come Seonghwa's way every day. Unlike him, your presence doesn't attract the same level of notice or interest from those around you. The difference is clear as you navigate through the academic world – Seonghwa effortlessly grabs attention, while you go about your routine with a feeling of being somewhat unnoticed, blending into the background. Life is like a complex picture, and surprises often hide in the corners, away from the eyes of the world. What no one really knows is that, in the busy university life, there's a secret relationship between you and Seonghwa.

Away from public view, you both share private moments as a couple, and Seonghwa proves to be the most wonderful boyfriend you've ever had. The choice to keep your relationship a secret comes from an agreement between you and Seonghwa. Mainly, it's a way to protect you from any potential negativity or unwanted attention that often comes with being connected to someone like Seonghwa. Knowing that some people can get possessive and intense about him, Seonghwa wants to keep you away from any hate or criticism that might come your way. Additionally, both of you understand the importance of keeping the real and personal aspects of your connection safe and intact. By keeping your relationship a secret, you create a special place where the true nature of your connection remains protected from outside influences.

This decision is intentional, aiming for your relationship to develop naturally, shielded from the sometimes harsh judgment of the public eye. So, you and Seonghwa continue to navigate the complexities of your romance in the comforting privacy, appreciating the authentic bond you share away from the prying eyes of the world. But one thing you may overlook is that even though you're not in the spotlight, it doesn't mean others aren't aware of your presence. Just as Seonghwa was captivated by you and charmed by your personality, there are undoubtedly others who have also taken notice. In the intricate dance of human connections, the mysterious and undiscovered often attract people, drawing them towards you, even if the details of your romantic involvement with Seonghwa remain hidden. In the middle of the busy crowd surrounding Seonghwa, there was a moment that made this clear.

He watched as a stranger approached and started chatting with you as if it was a regular conversation. From an outsider's view, it looked normal – just people talking casually. But little did this person know, your heart belonged to Seonghwa, and the conversation only covered what was necessary. The hidden aspects of your relationship added complexity to these seemingly ordinary interactions that unfolded in the colorful tapestry of your shared university experience. As time passed, Seonghwa began to notice a repeated pattern. There was someone who consistently lingered around you, having long conversations and giving subtle glances that, though not obvious, didn't escape Seonghwa's keen awareness. Having experienced those meaningful glances before, Seonghwa understood their importance. As this situation unfolded, a feeling of discomfort started to settle within him.

Even with many people around in different social settings, Seonghwa's focus stayed firmly on you. Seeing you exchange smiles with this persistent person stirred up a mix of emotions in him �� a complicated blend of sadness and frustration. The conflict deepened for Seonghwa, who values openness and honesty. He found himself torn between wanting to express his feelings and recognizing the complexity of the situation. The contrast between the lively social scene and the quiet ache in his heart became more noticeable, creating a sense of discord that tested Seonghwa's emotional strength. However, Seonghwa now faces a dilemma. His frustration is not directed at you; instead, he's upset with himself. To your eyes, the other guy seems friendly, but Seonghwa knows the hidden motives behind the guy's seemingly pleasant behavior.

At a certain point, Seonghwa felt a strong urge to step in, to confidently approach you and pull you away from the constant presence of that persistent person. However, a strong restraint held him back — a clear awareness of the potential consequences if the public found out about the secret nature of your relationship. The internal struggle grew into a growing concern, becoming a heavy burden on Seonghwa's heart. The stark difference between the private haven of your affectionate moments behind the scenes of university life and the external appearance of two seemingly unrelated strangers on campus became an increasingly pressing issue. While the idea of maintaining this double life seemed okay at first, Seonghwa started to doubt how sustainable it was. The gap between the close connection you had in private and the apparent distance in public became more noticeable.

This led Seonghwa to realize that what initially seemed fine was now causing discomfort. The delicate balance he had tried to keep was starting to fall apart, making him face the complexities of a relationship that thrives in secrecy but desires acknowledgment in the open. As Seonghwa's jealousy became more apparent, you couldn't help but notice a change in his gaze. Even in busy crowds, his eyes seemed to tell a tale of longing and possessiveness, expressing the unspoken emotions swirling within him. At times, he would purposely take you to quiet places during breaks, a subtle but intentional effort to enjoy moments of focused attention that he felt were being given to the other person. Despite the obvious signs of jealousy, his responses to your questions remained guarded, with seemingly casual phrases like "I'm fine" or "Just wanted to be with you" whenever you asked about his feelings.

The contrast between Seonghwa's quiet expressions of longing and his outward assurances that everything was okay created a complex interplay of emotions. His desire for the attention you gave to the other person became a strong motivation behind these private moments, sharply contrasting with the calm responses he gave when questioned. The dynamic between the unspoken wish for a special connection and the act of appearing casual added a complex layer to the evolving story of your relationship, leaving both of you navigating the fragile terrain of emotions and unspoken feelings. All Seonghwa wants is to have your complete attention, just for himself. As Seonghwa, your dedicated partner, got more and more wrapped up in a mix of emotions, he found himself daydreaming about being openly recognized. He felt a twinge of jealousy watching other couples freely showing their love in public, holding hands as if the world revolved around their shared moments.

The longing to break free from the secrecy started growing within him, pushing him to express the thoughts that had been swirling in his mind. One evening, in the cozy setting of your home after a day at the university, Seonghwa cautiously brought up the topic. With his hand gently on your cheek, he pondered out loud, "What if we let people know that we're dating?" The question hung in the air, carrying the weight of his unspoken desires. Your response served as a gentle reminder of the agreement you both made to keep your relationship private, framing the conversation within the context of the deliberate choice you had made together. The contrast between Seonghwa's longing for public recognition and the commitment to maintaining secrecy added a poignant color to the delicate dynamics of your shared connection. The tipping point for Seonghwa came on a particular day when he noticed the other guy crossing certain boundaries.

The situation became more intense as Seonghwa saw lingering gazes filled with affection directed at you, even when your attention was elsewhere. The moment became especially difficult for him as he witnessed the guy's enamored smile in response to the sweet gestures or actions you took. In Seonghwa's heart, those gestures were supposed to be exclusively reserved for him, and the realization that someone else was intruding on what he considered his own territory proved too much for him to bear. The turning point, however, happened when the guy went so far as to use his hand to gently move strands of your hair away from your face. This seemingly innocent action, with an underlying tone of familiarity and intimacy, stirred up a storm within Seonghwa. The surge of possessiveness and jealousy that had been building up underneath erupted, and Seonghwa found himself unable to hold back the swirl of emotions any longer.

This explosive reaction was a clear expression of the emotional turmoil that had been brewing. Seonghwa struggled with the unsettling idea that someone else was intruding into the space of affection and connection that he believed should belong exclusively to him. In a moment of intense emotion, Seonghwa forcefully moved through the crowd, creating a path that brought him closer to you. Without a second thought, he grabbed your hand, urging you to follow him as he quickly guided you towards the privacy of the school rooftop. He was determined to distance both of you from the presence of that other guy who had been encroaching on what Seonghwa considered his own territory. In the heat of the moment, there was a strong intensity as Seonghwa pulled you along, gently but firmly pressing you against a wall along the way. Seeing your worried expression, you sought answers from Seonghwa, asking, "Hwa, what's wrong?" A heavy silence hung in the air as Seonghwa, still catching his breath, wrestled with the powerful emotions that had driven him into this sudden escape.

The presence of the other guy had stirred up a storm within him, leaving him momentarily unable to speak. "They're going to see us," you pointed out, trying to make sense of the situation. However, Seonghwa, with a determined shake of his head, dismissed any concerns about potential onlookers. "I don't care," he asserted, his voice carrying a newfound determination. "I no longer care whether they know or not." Placing a hand gently on your chin and drawing you even closer, he expressed his unfiltered feelings, "I want them to know that you are mine." The weight of his words, filled with possessiveness and a desire for public recognition, hung in the air, marking a significant moment in your relationship as Seonghwa unabashedly took control of the narrative of your shared connection. A significant realization dawned on Seonghwa as he looked into your eyes, reflecting on the depth of his emotions.

A feeling of regret swept over him, tied to the choice to keep your relationship a secret. In the earnestness of your gaze, he found himself revisiting the beginning of his affection for you, realizing that, right from the start, he should have proudly declared your connection to the world, without caring about others' opinions or attention. "I should announce to the whole world that you are mine," Seonghwa admitted with a hint of remorse, recognizing the weight of the emotions he had concealed. The intensity of your stare served as a poignant reminder of the missed chances to openly celebrate your love. In response, he declared, "No, I won't let anyone else love what's mine. I won't let anyone else entertain the idea that they have a chance." The firmness in his tone reflected a newfound determination to claim his stake and protect the sanctity of your connection.

Seonghwa, unwavering in his dedication, declared that regardless of others' approval or the acceptance of the other guy, you were undeniably his beloved. This statement served as a strong assertion of ownership and a commitment to no longer hide the love that rightfully belonged to him. Disregarding societal judgments, Seonghwa boldly stated, "I don't care about what other people think! Tomorrow, I'll proudly hold your hand all the way to university." The passion in his words was sealed with a heartfelt kiss, a tangible symbol of his resolve to cast aside the secrecy that had concealed your relationship. As the rooftop door opened, revealing both of you, Seonghwa met the other guy's gaze without hesitation. Instead of avoiding it, Seonghwa embraced the revelation, wanting the guy to understand the depth of your connection.

In that moment, Seonghwa's casual attitude carried a clear message: your love was no longer a secret to be kept. With the truth out in the open, Seonghwa's lack of concern about the possibility of news spreading about your relationship became apparent. In his eyes, others' opinions didn't matter much. The most important thing was that you belonged to him, and as long as that remained true, everything else could fall into place however it might. The recognition of your love, free from external judgments, marked a significant change in your relationship dynamics. Seonghwa embraced an unwavering determination to openly claim you, unaffected by the opinions of the world around you. Because, once again, whether they like it or not, you are his, no matter what.

©Tinytinyblogs

[galacticlamps]

ok I have A Lot of thoughts about the staircase confession (well really about Edwin's whole character arc, but all roads lead to rome) but for now I just wanna say that, yes, I was bracing myself for something to go terribly wrong when I first watched it, and yes, part of me was initially worried its placement might be an uncharacteristically foolish choice made in the name of Drama or Pacing or Making a Compelling Episode of Television but at the expense of narrative sense--

But I wanna say that having taken all that into account, and watched it play out, and sat with it - and honestly become rather transfixed by it - I really think it's a beautifully crafted moment and truly the only way that arc could've arrived at such a satisfying conclusion.

And if I had to pinpoint why I not only buy it but also have come to really treasure it, I'd have to put it down to the fact that it genuinely is a confession, and nothing else.

That moment is an announcement of what Edwin has come to understand about himself, but because it takes the form of a character admitting romantic feelings for such a close friend, I think it can be very easy, when writing that kind of thing, to imbue it with other elements like a plea or a request or even the start of a new relationship that, intentionally or not, would change the shape of the moment and can quickly overshadow what a huge deal the telling is all on its own. But that's not the case here. Since it is only a confession, unaccompanied by anything else, and since we see afterward how it was enough, evidently, to fix the strangeness that had grown between him & Charles, we're forced to understand that it was never Edwin's feelings that were actually making things difficult for him - it was not being able to tell Charles about them. 'Terrified' as he's been of this, Edwin learns that his feelings don't need to either disappear completely or be totally reciprocated in order for him to be able to return to the peace, stability, and security of the relationship with which he defines his existence - and the scale of that relief a) tells us a hell of a lot about Edwin as a character and b) totally justifies the way his declaration just bursts out of him at what would otherwise be such a poorly chosen moment, in my opinion.

Whether or not they are or ever could be reciprocated, Edwin's feelings are definitively proven not to be the problem here - only his potential choice to bottle it up - his repression - is. And where that repression had once been mainly involuntary, a product of what he'd been through, now that he's got this new awareness of himself, if he still fails to admit what he's found either to himself or to the one person he's so unambiguously close with, then that repression will be by his own choice and actions.

And he won't do that. Among other things, he's coming into this scene having just (unknowingly) absolved the soul of his own school bully and accidental killer by pointing out a fact that is every bit as central to his self-discovery as anything about his sexuality or his attraction to Charles is: the idea that "If you punish yourself, everywhere becomes Hell"

So narratively speaking, of course it makes sense that Edwin literally cannot get out of Hell until he stops punishing himself - and right now, the thing that's torturing him is something he has control over. It's not who he is or what he feels, but what he chooses to do with those feelings that's hurting him, and he's even already made the conscious choice to tell Charles about them, he was just interrupted. But now that they're back together and he's literally in the middle of an attempt to escape Hell, there is absolutely no way he can so much as stop for breath without telling Charles the truth. Even the stopping for breath is so loaded - because they're ghosts, they don't need to breathe, but also they're in Hell, so the one thing they can feel is pain, however nonsensical. And Edwin certainly is in pain. But whether he knows what he's about to do or not when he says he 'just needs a tick,' a breather is absolutely not what's gonna give him enough relief to keep climbing - it's fixing that other hurt, though, that will.

Like everything else in that scene, there's a lot of layers to him promising Charles "You don't have to feel the same way, I just needed you to know" - but I don't think that means it isn't also true on a surface level. It's the act of telling Charles that matters so much more than whatever follows it, and while that might have gone unnoticed if anything else major had happened in the same conversation, now we're forced to acknowledge its staggering and singular importance for what it is. The moment is well-earned and properly built up to, but until we see it happen in all its wonderful simplicity, and we see the aftermath (or lack thereof, even), we couldn't properly anticipate how much of a weight off Edwin's shoulders merely getting to share the truth with Charles was going to be, why he couldn't wait for a better, safer opportunity before giving in to that desire, or how badly he needed to say it and nothing else - and I really, really love the weight that act of just being honest, seen, and known is given in their story/relationship.

[comicaurora]

Also in light of the yu-gi-oh! Rewatch, do you have any opinions on the changes to Joey's character and arc(s) in the anime compared to the manga? It always felt like the anime REALLY wants to make him into the class clown and in the process missed/ downgraded some of his stronger moments for me, but I also read the manga first and am probably biased.

I think the one Joey change I disagree with is downgrading how much of an ass-kicker he is in the manga, but I think that was part of the general suite of adjustments they made to center the anime 100% on Duel Monsters, where that was a much more gradual thing in the manga. Several other games and non-game threats took center stage early on, and alongside that, Jounochi's origins as a badass delinquent punk were a lot more centralized in the early chapters. It didn't come up much as the comic went on and got more millennium-item-based, but on the rare occasion that anyone still tried to solve their problems with violence instead of card games, Manga Jounochi just. absolutely spanked them. It was a nice way to reinforce that card games and shadow games were ONE way for the heroes to solve problems, but they weren't the ONLY way - and it also kind of highlighted that everyone the gang was dealing with, no matter how much of a tough-guy gimmick they had, was still - you know - a card game nerd. Manga Bandit Keith got absolutely stomped when he tried to throw hands and it was hilarious. It also helped make Joey's Dark And Brooding Past a little more tangible - like, oh yeah, pre-Yugi-friendship this guy was regularly winning fights with entire gangs singlehandedly, if this were a problem that could be solved with punching he would have already solved it with punching.

It also helped make Yugi and Jou's relationship more of a foil situation in the early manga, a classic Big Guy Smart Guy duo. Jou regularly bailed out Yugi from bullies and bad situations by virtue of being the scariest motherfucker on the block, and in turn Yugi/Yami would only take over and help out when a situation was contrived to be so horribly unfair that Jou couldn't get himself out of it, at which point Yami would resolve it with a combination of smarts and dark magic. This dynamic slapped, but it was mostly relegated to the Season Zero chapters that didn't make it to the anime, so I can see why it got a little lost.

I also think part of why the anime dialed back Joey's ass-kicking is because they wanted to make Kaiba cooler and more consistent character-wise, which was a big struggle with the early manga, and that meant making him a little more of an action star - frequently at Joey's expense.

That said, I don't think the anime does Joey dirty when it comes to what really matters (card games) because they use the medium of card games to highlight Joey's most consistent character trait across both mediums: absolutely refusing to give up on a fight until his body literally gives out. If I had a nickle for every time Joey lost a duel on a technicality by falling into a coma on his last turn, I'd have two nickles.

This is also why I think the non-manga filler seasons and spinoffs are some of the most fun adventures in the show. Not only do they have actual non-card-game stakes, but they let Joey do fun things like wear power armor shaped like his favorite dragon and punch people with it. I'll take the loss of Manga Jounochi if it lets me keep Joey Vs The Evil Bikers From Atlantis.

[inkdemonapologist]

My BatDR Take That Used To Be Hot But I Left It Out On The Windowsill To Cool So You Should Be Able to Eat It Now Without Burning Your Tongue

its not actually that hot, is what im saying

Anyway my BatDR hot take is that BatDR's story is not fundamentally worse than BatIM with one exception; an exception that, for BatIM, covers a multitude of sins:

BatIM has a theme.

I can't presume the intentions of the creators, but if I had to write an essay on the themes in BatIM, it wouldn't be hard to pick one out: the cost of obsession, or even just, the ruin Joey brought on the studio. In the very first chapter, Henry asks "Joey, what were you doing?" and every single thing in the rest of the game revolves around that central question: what WAS Joey doing? Each audiolog is a snippet of the studio's path to this messed up state; each character you meet is someone ruined by Joey. The major antagonists echo Joey's flaws -- obsession with Bendy as more than a cartoon, obsession with perfection, obsession with fame and greatness and legacy -- but even without that, they're also each a picture of how the lives of people caught in the path of Joey's dream were ruined by it. Bertrum, for example, doesn't match the concept of rubberhose cartoons, but as yet another person screwed over by Joey, he fits the central question of the story, so he feels like he belongs here. Ultimately, in a narrative sense, the Ink Demon isn't the story's monster -- Joey is; the Ink Demon is just the consequence of his reckless ambition.

But what's the theme or central question of BatDR?

You can... try to pick out a theme. There's some promising options, because it feels like the story WANTED a theme, stating its emotional intentions more overtly -- "there's always a choice" to leave the darkness and chose hope; family and the struggle of living in a heavy legacy's shadow; or even just good old mewtwo-brand The Circumstance's Of One's Birth Are Irrelevant, It Is What You Do With The Gift Of Life That Determines Who You Are.

I think, even WITH the clumsy execution of Joey's "arc" and Audrey's lack of real choices, any of those could work about as well as BatIM. But unlike BatIM, the majority of the game doesn't tie in. Joey's tour can be considered relevant -- a picture of the family legacy and the "darkness" that Audrey doesn't yet know she's inheriting -- but like, the audiologs and hints and environment of BatDR are mostly teasing the question of What Is Gent Up To, and the takeover of Gent is detached from Audrey's choices, her family, her legacy, and Gent never really becomes a relevant threat to those things in this game. The Cult of Amok and the Ghost Train have nothing to do with any of these ideas. It might've been neat if Audrey had ever considered, "Did my father really drive all these people insane?", a hint of actually having to wonder about the darkness in her past. Even Wilson only barely brushes against these concepts; he doesn't like Joey and he also is trying to escape his family's heavy legacy, but it doesn't really reflect on his actions and we don't find that last part out until he's about to be dead.

There's also the question Wilson poses of "real" people versus ink creations, and what counts as valid "life." It would be an interesting theme with a lot to build off of in this setting, it ties into Wilson more as Wilson seems to represent the opinion that Inky Things Aren't Really Alive, which could've tied to Audrey (as an ink-person who has yet to accept that part of herself) and maybe given Wilson a reason to think it's fine to sacrifice her, it could've even tied to Gent (who don't even seem to value human life) -- but after Wilson asks the question, it doesn't tie into the direction things go. He smooshes a little Bendy, we see hints of his disregard for Betty, and then everyone continues with their plan to destroy the Ink Demon without any further moral quandaries about inky life.

The thing is, when you compare an element like, say, audiologs, there's a lot of differences you can point to -- but I don't actually think Lacie Benton's audiolog is notably better, taken on its own, than Grace Conway's or Kitty Thompson's, and yet tons of people were intrigued enough to flesh out Lacie. None of them are big plot points or compelling characters on their own; Lacie and Grace both give us a little note on what it's like working in the Studio, and Kitty shares a little bit on how Gent's expansion is affecting people. But when Lacie talks about Bertrum trying to make a creepy animatronic, that ties back into Joey's ill-fated schemes that are the point of the whole story. The question we're asking through the whole game is "what happened here?" so the fandom is interested in who Lacie is and what her life was like and extrapolates a whole person out of a couple sentences. But that's not the question in BatDR -- what has Wilson done to the Cycle and the Demon? Why? Who is Audrey really, and why is she here? Telling us new things about the Studio's fate seems strangely irrelevant to those questions, just an attempt to create a Mystery To Speculate On like the previous game did... but what question you're asking and how it fits into your story's main theme, like, matters. I absolutely believe that one clock animator guy would've been in EVERYONE'S crew if he'd been introduced in BatIM, but the context makes a difference; fleshing him out feels less relevant here.

The explanations of how and why Wilson did everything he did are baffling and handwavey, but in and of itself that's not a worse problem than anything else in the franchise -- I STILL don't understand why the Ink Machine needs pipes in the walls or even how it works, there's no good reason for Sammy to believe the Ink Demon will "set him free," most of Alice's motives don't make sense, etc etc etc. But the thing is that in BatDR, the wibbly bit is the closest thing to a central question we have! Wilson, what were you doing? The theme doesn't really explore or connect to that question, so the explanations that are finally tossed our way feel lacking in a way that BatIM's handwaved elements don't. There's a lot about Joey's motivation in BatIM that we can't know, but the heart of it resonates -- Joey wanted something, he was willing to exploit people to get it, and he became obsessed and prioritised that dream at any cost. We'll weather a thousand logistical inconsistencies if it's got heart.

But all of that said.... to be honest, I don't think Lacie overtly fits that theme anyway. Even, like, Sammy is iffy -- we don't really know what happened to him, only that he didn't used to be made of ink and worship Bendy, and now he does. We assume Joey's nonsense had something to do with what happened to him (though the books later assert his influence was indirect at best), because when there's a pattern, we can fill in the blank. So many fan creators found a place for Lacie, Grant, and Shawn in the cycle as butcher clones or lost ones, so many people imagined that Wally must be the Boris we meet, because that would've fit the pattern, the idea that the point of what we're seeing is the downfall of the studio. It's not actually that BatIM did a great job tying everything together -- it's that BatIM gave us a compelling idea and that was all it took to make everything else SEEM like it could find a place to fit. This is what I mean when I say BatIM's theme covers a multitude of sins. There's a LOT of characters in BatIM that don't make sense. There's a lot of inconsistencies and things that just sort of happen without any real reason. Characters don't really have "arcs" so much as different states they happen to be in at different times. But because there's a central question and the story doesn't wander away from it, our pattern-loving human brains will slot in all the pieces and do all the work to make the story feel at least somewhat coherent.

The things that happened in BatDR aren't a whole lot less coherent than BatIM imo, they just don't tie into a bigger theme or any of the questions the story's asking, making "how do they fit into all this" feel irrelevant, making it easier to forget entire sections and harder to get invested in audiolog characters. I think a lot of the other criticisms people have for BatDR's story are very valid, but I also suspect that if BatDR had a more successful theme/central question, then a lot of its flaws would be easier to overlook -- just like BatIM.

[feelmyskinonyourskin]

How to Say I Love You [Five Things Trope]

Pairing: Frank Castle x AFAB Reader

Trope de Sept Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Five Things style 1. Snippets of interactions between characters, with a common theme, showing five instances that follow the pattern and one that doesn't. "The four times Frank thinks 'I love you' and the one time he actually says it."

Warnings: 18+ (don’t interact if your age is not in your bio). No use of Y/N. AFAB Reader, Fem pronouns. No direct sexual action/SMUT, but it’s mentioned enough that I’m marking this as 18+. Mentions of pregnancy and miscarriage, mention of a hospital, mention of blood. 

WC: 2,500

*I never give permission for my fics, manips, or any other original creation I post on this site to be copied, posted elsewhere, translated, or fed into any AI program. The only platform I currently post anything on is Tumblr. Thanks!*

The first time Frank realized he loved you was in the afterglow of a particularly raunchy round of sex. How cliche, he thought to himself.

You laid beside him, all doe-eyed and radiant looking, staring into his eyes as though you were trying to stare into his soul. And oh god, how you did, and you didn’t even know you were doing it.

“What’s going through your head, big guy?” you asked, stroking his face and trying to smooth away the crease that had formed across his brow. How easily you could clock when his brain was working too hard and his thoughts were a million miles away.

“Thinkin’ about how beautiful you look.” 

Which was partially true. After all, your beauty was one of the many things that made him fall in love with you.

You wouldn’t have suspected Frank Castle was one for pillow talk, but every time you fell in bed together, he managed to surprise you.

And like always, you saw right through him.

“That right?”

You both decided it was best not to put a label on this, whatever this was. Talking about feelings teetered a tightrope that was dangerously close to that. Especially talking about feelings like love right after sex. Not to mention the amount of his stuff that had begun taking up home in your place and vice-versa. No, you wouldn’t mention the hoodie he left every time he went on a long job so that you’d have something of his to wrap you in comfort, or the little notes and snacks you’d slip into his duffle before he left in the morning. Or the more and more frequent sleepovers that involved no sex, just wanting to be near each other. Nope, neither you nor he wanted to bring it up. He especially didn’t want to let on that the L-word was dancing on the tip of his tongue.

He shook his head and held back a smile.

“Okay, well whenever you’re ready to spill, I’m all ears.” you said, coy smirk painting your lips as you leaned in and rested your head against his chest, falling asleep to the steady sound of his heartbeat. 

Goddamnit, he was down bad.

—

The second time Frank realized he loved you was in spring. The trees in Central Park were all in bloom and you danced down the path beside him, reveling in the recent break in the weather and the sunshine.

He had to chuckle, how pretty you looked when you turned your face upward to the glow of the sun and asked,

“Frankie, can we get ice cream?”

“Darlin, it’s still under 60 degrees.”

You took his hand and led him through the park, despite his protestations that it was too early in the season for frozen treats. 

You almost looked like a real couple, hand in hand sauntering along, not really in a rush to get anywhere and stopping every so often to admire the park.

You paused, suddenly turning about face on the path and pulling him along with you.

“Sweetheart, what’s up? Ice cream’s this way.” he pointed over his shoulder

“Ah. You’re right. It’s still too cold.”

You never admitted he was right. About anything.

Frank glanced behind him, making sure he clocked anything you might even think could be a threat. Then he saw it, the reason you so suddenly changed course.

Central Park Carousel, the sign read, big arrow pointing in the exact direction you had been heading. 

You knew what happened to his family and though he didn’t talk about it (because again, talking about feelings wasn’t what this was supposed to be) you saw the toll it took on him emotionally. 

You wanted him to have a day clear and free of worry and memories. 

You were being thoughtful and proactive about his emotions. Damnit, he was so in love with you.

—

The third time Frank realized he loved you, much like the first time, was late at night. This time, there was no steamy sex involved, just a lot of blood and bandages.

Damnit, he never wanted you to see him like this, see who he is on the job, what it turns him into. Sure, you knew he was the Punisher and you knew he killed people, but it’s different to see it up close.

He went to your place. Rationalization rattled around his head that your apartment was closer and getting to you to stitch him up instead of trekking all the way to his place would greatly decrease his chances of bleeding out. 

But deep down, he knew that wasn’t the truth. Maybe it was because he missed you, maybe he really just wanted the comfort of your body beside his after an exhausting night, or maybe he realized how deep in it he was and wanted you to see this side of him before it was too late for both of you, so you could shun him away and break his heart like he deserved.

“Happiness is a kick in the balls just waiting to happen” he once told Curtis, so here he was, trying to self-sabotage and kick his own balls before life could do it for him.

But you didn’t even bat an eye when you swung open the door to your apartment and found him standing there, mangled and bruised.

“That one might scar.” you commented as you tied up the thread on the stitches

“Never too worried about em lookin pretty.”

“That's okay, your face is pretty enough.” you said, beginning the process of cleaning up the wipes and blood and bandages littering your bathroom counter 

He shook his head with a chuckle, trying to hide the blush growing across his face.

“Besides, it gives you character.” You kissed him on the temple as you exited the bathroom.

He placed his elbows on his knees and bent over with a sigh, biting his tongue until you were out of ear shot.

“Love you too” he whispered under his breath

—

The fourth time Frank realized he loved you was on Mother’s Day. It had become his ritual, visiting their graves on important days. Mother’s Day was one of them. Afterall, some of his favorite memories of Maria were of her being the most amazing mom to their kids. 

You insisted on going with him, not wanting him to be alone and drowning in the Frank Castle pity party.

“Stop being so fucking thoughtful cause it’s making me love you more.” he wanted to shout, but he didn’t. Instead he just nodded and smiled and held your hand in silence the entire drive from his apartment to the cemetery, not letting go until you’re well out of the truck and up the familiar path.

You gave him space once you came within reach of the grave. Peonies for Maria, daisies for Lisa and carnations for Frank Jr.

You sat together on the damp earth in silence for a long while. Your hand absent-mindedly rubbed and scratched his back and you wiped away a few tears that fell from his eyes.

He thought about saying it right then and there, admitting to you finally how much he truly loved you. He opened his mouth to speak, but decided against it, instead just keeping the silence that hung between you.

On the off chance you didn’t run screaming in the other direction when he finally told you, he didn’t want to do it here. To taint a special new moment with the ghosts of his past and meld a new beginning with the old life he was so desperately clinging onto. So he didn’t say anything, eventually rising to his feet and taking your hand once more to walk back to the truck.

—

The first time Frank Castle laid eyes on Karen Page was in a hospital. Here he was again, stalking the halls of a hospital with the same laser focus on his mission. And there was Karen, standing stone-faced, arms crossed in front of her chest.

“She doesn’t want to see you.” 

“The fuck she does,” he tried to push past her

“Frank,” Karen shoved against his shoulder. Goddamnit, why was she nearly as stubborn as you?  “She doesn’t want to see you.”

“The hell you mean, she doesn’t want to see me? She’s not answering my calls and I haven't heard from her in days so I go to her place and she's not there but there's blood on the bathroom floor and I gotta call everyone in her contacts just for you to give me a cryptic ‘she’s in the hospital’ with no details.”

Karen looked to the ground, avoiding his gaze.

“Then I gotta go to every hospital on the west side just so you can tell me she doesn't want to see me? What the fuck happened?”

Karen just shook her head.

“Go home Frank. She’ll call you when she’s ready.”

If there was one person who could get Frank to stand down, it was Karen, which was precisely why you called her.

“Well he’s gone. For now. But you know he’s gonna come back and you’re gonna have to tell him eventually.” she said with a sigh, plopping down in the chair next to your hospital bed

“I know. I’m just scared of how he’ll react.” you replied, gnawing at your bottom lip

She nodded knowingly. 

“I’m gonna go hunt down some coffee. We both look like we need it.”

You almost fell asleep in her absence, until a loud crash came from behind the curtain drawn around your bed.

“Shit,” a gruff voice rung out amongst the beeps and whirs of the medical machines you were connected to.

“Frank?”

Sheepishly, he poked his head around the curtain, seeing you in your pitiful state for the first time.

“Hey sweetheart.” 

You swore you’d never heard this giant, tough man be more timid in his life.

“How are you here?” you asked with a sigh, rubbing at your temple

“Snuck in the window.”

“Okay, you’re never allowed to call me stubborn again.” you joked, causing a smile to crack along his hardened face

It broke the tension enough that he closed the gap between you, gently sitting on the edge of the bed and taking your hand in his.

“You gonna tell me what happened, or why you don’t wanna see me?”

A sigh escaped your lips, tears threatening to spill over as you dreaded having this conversation with him.

“I didn’t want you to be mad,” it came out as almost a whisper.

“Why would I be mad?”

“A couple weeks ago– I realized my period was late. So I took a test and it was positive.”

Frank’s face went stoic, brown eyes usually so full of warmth when they looked at you now steely black.

“You didn’t tell me?”

You shook your head and continued,

“I was scared to tell you. And I didn’t know what I wanted to do about it anyway, so I figured there was no point in telling you until I decided. I didn’t know if that was something you ever wanted again and especially with me.” 

He listened as you rambled, not once taking his gaze off of you as he continued to grasp your hand in his. 

“But then yesterday,” you continued, “I started bleeding. I knew it probably meant I miscarried. But then the bleeding just didn’t stop. So I went to the ER. And they said I hemorrhaged. And I had surgery this morning.”

“What was your plan? Just never gonna tell me?”

“I don’t know Frank, I wasn’t really thinking things through, okay? I didn’t want you to be with me just out of obligation!”

“You think I’m here out of obligation? You think I snuck through a third story window out of obligation?”

“I knew you and Maria got married quickly because she got pregnant. You’re just so fucking noble and I didn’t want you to feel like you had to do something that was ‘correct’ and end up miserable and resenting me. I know this isn’t the kind of life you want anymore. I know I can’t replace her.”

“Hey!” he retorted, leaning in to get closer to you “Look, I loved my wife. Even before she got pregnant, I knew she was the one, yeah? There was not a single moment I regretted my life with her. And there is not a single moment I’ve regretted with you, except whatever the hell I did to make you think you had to hide this from me.”

The tears were now flowing down your face and you had to look away from his intense stare. Taking a moment to choke back a sob before you spoke again, your words came out hushed.

“But there’s the difference Frank, you loved her. Even before she got pregnant, you loved her. But because you loved her so much, I don’t know that you’ll ever love me. Or anyone else for that matter.”

“I didn’t think I could either,” he sighed “but then you came along. And no matter how much I tried to push you away, your stubborn ass just kept comin.”

“What are you saying Frank?”

“I’m sayin that I love you.”

“You’re not just saying that cause I’m all sick and pitiful?” you asked

“Nah. I’m sayin it because you being all sick and pitiful scared the shit outta me enough to finally say it out loud. But I been thinkin about it a while.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Frank?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too.”

The widest smile you’d ever seen grew across Frank’s face. He leaned forward slowly, cupping  your jaw and placing the most gentle kiss on your lips. You had to smile as he pulled away, so elated that you almost forget where you were and that you were in a very unglamorous hospital gown in a very unromantic hospital room.

“So what happened with your surgery? You gonna be okay?” he asked, giving you another look up and down

“Yeah. They got me all fixed up and as long as the next blood transfusion takes, I’ll be out of here by tomorrow.”

“Hey” he took your chin in his large hand, making you look at him “Don’t you ever keep something like this from me okay? I promise, I won't be mad. I just wanna be here for you cause I love you.”

The monitor beside you beeped, indicating your heart skipped a beat when he said it again.

“I love you too, big guy.”

[good-beans]

I think one of my favorite Fuuta moments is in Braze You when Es reads right fucking through him and spells out the very core of his character:

That's such a precise observation!! Any normal person would be annoyed/amazed/ashamed in response! You would expect the fiery type character to start yelling out denials and insisting Es isn't some psychologist or anything. But Fuuta. Fuuta my beloved. After someone points out that he jumps to violence as a coping mechanism, he proceeds to drop his voice real low and threatening, and say

Just completely ignores every word they said and proves them right in a single instant...

And lol wait I was gonna leave this in the tags but genuinely this is a major reference point for characterizing him to me. of course the irony is hilarious and he says it so seriously it cracks me up. But also, this is exactly how simple and flawed his emotional reactions are. He really only has one go-to when he feels threatened, and it's to lash out with violence. The threat doesn't even have to be physical danger -- in this case the threat was just an emotional one. Es' comments made him feel exposed and brought to light something that he's ashamed of. Instead of processing these feelings and countering Es' point, he immediately attempts to prove his physical strength, which was never called into question. But to him physical strength/taking action is The Way to show courage and righteousness.

And this isn't just a selfish way of protecting himself -- this is how he protects others, too. He said he wanted to be everyone's representative after Es was violent with Yuno, so to avenge her he tried to take action. In his timeline with Kazui they talk about whether you should wait and observe a dangerous situation before jumping in, or charging in guns blazing without knowing the full situation. At first, Fuuta's response seems blatantly stupid, because of COURSE you shouldn't just charge into danger like that. But the way he describes it, he says, "Everyone's life is on the line. those who can fight should." He probably knows it's not the super intelligent method, but he still thinks its the only option to save those people! To him, action is the only way heroes save lives. Action is how justice gets done. Action is courage. And that's just so central to his character and explains a lot about all his behaviors in and out of Milgram...

[the1entirecircus]

Violent Apprentices

MEANWHILE in the bat cave, our heroes talk about their periling issues...

Flash (Barry Allen): ...and now he's back from the dead, and while he isn't killing as many people as before, he is still hurting people to extreme!

Batman: And did August have this level of violence before he became Godspeed?

Flash: No, August was like any other officer in the CCPD. Which is saying something, we have one of the nicer police forces in the country. (That's just a headcanon. Yes ACAB, but these bastards are nice)

Batman: The way you're describing him reminds me of one my old protege. Jason Todd.

Flash: The Red Hood?

Batman: Yes. Except, Jason learned the hard way of why he shouldn't kill. Although he did return to using guns.

Flash: Really? That's seems very...reductive.

Batman: Yeah, I was surprised too.

Flash: Heh, imagine if they met. Wouldn't that be terrific.

Batman: Don't make me laugh, Barry. It would be the end of the world if that happened.

Flash: Yeah it would...

*Meanwhile in a more crime-orientated area of Central City, danger was afoot as the Red Hood monitored Penguin and Captain Cold and The Rogues.*

Penguin: As you can see here, we have the latest equipment in subzero freezing based weaponry. Perfect for handling those pesky speedsters! Wank!

Captain Cold: How much for the freeze grenades?

Red Hood: Snart, they're free if you really wanted them.

*All weapon were aimed at the anti-hero, ready to fire.*

Penguin: RED HOOD?! You followed me all the way here!

Red Hood, with both of his guns brought out: Yeah, because you're not supposed to be here. Now pack things up, and waddle your ass back to Blackgate before I make.

Captain Cold: I don't think you're the one to talk here. Me, my buds and sis take on the Flash every day. A guy who looks like he came from Mortal Kombat and carries guns doesn't scare us.

Red Hood: Really? Well, I've fought Mr. Freeze before. You're just a watered down copy.

Captain Cold: Oh you are so...*a look of fear strikes Cold's face*...MIRROR MASTER NOW!

*Mirror Master rapidly fired his mirror gun at the equipment the Penguin had presented. Penguin squaked both from fury and surprise. He cursed at Captain Cold as he and the Rogues teleported away in a flash of light. But then came a brighter light. A white blinding light. Screams from Penguin's men followed as the light zoomed around the area. Red Hood reached for something in his utility belt but stopped when the white blur caught and picked up Penguin.*

Penguin: What are you??

*The man in the white and gold costume resembling the Flash's uniform pulled the crime lord closer.*

"I am Godspeed"

Red Hood: Put the crime lord down!

*Godspeed glared at Red Hood and the guns he pointed at him with. The masked vigilante tossed Penguin aside and approached the Gothamite. Red Hood pointed at Penguin.*

Red Hood: Go anywhere, and I will make you a legless bird, got it?

Godspeed: I can stop a pullet the second it leaves a gun, who do you think you are?

Red Hood: I'm Red Hood, I usually work in Gotham City.

Godspeed: Red Hood...the crime lord?

Red Hood: For a time, now I just do vigilante work against Gotham's elites. Basically what batman did before the crazies arrived.

*Red Hood walked over and cuffed Penguin.*

Red Hood: I'm starved, wanna grab some Big Belly Burger?

Godspeed: ...why not?

---

*our Anti-heroes munched and chewed on their burgers as they discussed their various adventures as masked vigilantes while sitting in a big belly burger.*

Red Hood: Are you sure you didn't hear of me? Because I had similar reasoning when I fought Batman. Although it was focused on just killing the Joker.

Godspeed: That was 100% my idea, I had no intentions of copying your actions. I also fully intended on killing everyone in the Flash's rogues gallery. But I did emphasize Reverse Flash because he killed Flash's mom. I honestly thought Flash would agree with me. I feel dumb for thinking that now, and for wanting to kill those people.

Red Hood: Mutual feelings, except I'll never feel bad for trying to kill Joker. That fucker has it coming.

Godspeed: How is he still alive? I know the Gotham justice system is bad, but I didn't think it was that terrible?

Red Hood: It is shit, but he just keeps coming back. Rumor has it, he's immortal. I don't believe it though. I think he was just a guy who wanted attention.

Godspeed: That makes more sense to me. He does seem like an attention whore. Reverse Flash is similar in my opinion. Except he specifically wants the attention from Flash. I mean he did kill my brother just to help motivate me into being Godspeed so that I would be enemies with the Flash.

Red Hood: He killed your brother? Joker killed my mom the same day he killed me! Well, he used a bomb, but still.

Godspeed: Joker killed you? Reverse Flash killed me!

Red Hood: That is so coincidentally strange!

Godspeed: I know!

"Oh you have got to be kidding me..."

*Both vigilantes look and see Barry Allen in his civilian clothing*

Red Hood: (Whispering) Is that...?

Godspeed: (whispers back) Yup. (speaks normally) What? Never seen two vigilantes eating at Big Belly Burger?

Red Hood: They do it all the time in Bat Burger over in Gotham.

Barry: ...I'm tired.

---

Flash: (while running through Central City) And so they're just talking about how similar they are. I think they're friends now.

Batman: (in the bat cave listening to the communication link) I'm not surprised, Red Hood was following a lead that Penguin was going to give new weapons to the Rogues.

Flash: Oh...wait what?!

[tunastime]

A Gear of the Heart, Starting

just a little something I wrote for somebody's (@shepscapades) birthday back in November :3 after I asked what etho and bdubs would've been like shortly after etho's deviation. this is the few times before last life where bdubs realizes etho might be a good friend, and how their relationship changes. comes right before A Gear of the Heart, Turning! (4653 words)

Etho remembers quite a bit.

He remembers the ricochet of the explosion through his left side. He remembers a dozen errors across his vision, showing every unit damaged by the blast, the fractals of fracturing snaking up his arm, the shattered remains of his central programming lingering like a livewire. 

Over and over he can remember the pitch of Bdubs’ voice and had to wonder his own diagnosis at that moment. Bdubs watching his android die in his name—he remembers that, too. Bdubs didn’t even ask for that. It was something Etho gave to him. He’s not sure he could even say why, either. 

It remained a bitter flavor he couldn't identify, even as Xisuma assured him he was okay. Something had happened then, sitting on that floor, thirium in hand. Some movement in his chest he couldn’t place. It wasn’t anything physical, but it felt like some gear of his nonexistent heart had started, turned—rotated. And all he could do was ask himself why. What’s he supposed to do with that?

He doesn’t know. Fine. 

Etho goes back to work at someone’s request. Not even his own request, either, so he has to wonder if maybe Doc put him up to it. Him being Bdubs. Him being Bdubs who shifted back and forth on his feet at Etho’s door—a facade of a base in the process of being designed. If one could even call it a base, yet.

And even though he was increasingly certain that Bdubs had been told to ask—and Etho asked him if he’d been asked to help, and he was adamant about asking by himself, that’s what he said. He said: “You think I gotta be told to ask people for help? I can’t just be doin’ things on my own?” and it had felt so much like doublespeak that Etho didn’t even fight to differentiate his tone. 

But Bdubs had asked if he wanted to help with the horse course. Terraforming—it should be right up his alley, if he’s still into that kind of stuff. Figured he was the expert—or so it goes. Etho had nodded. He wasn’t sure what else he was supposed to do. He supposes he could have easily said no. 

But every part of him yearned to say yes.

So he did.

The dust sifts through his fingers.

Etho perches in the grass, partially hunched as he leans over his line of redstone, shrouded by the hill half-built around him. He’d spent most of the week prior carving out the lines of the track, setting posts for buildings, laying out blueprints for Bdubs to finalize. Today, he lays his line meticulously, dust shifting in his hands. They still shake a bit—nothing a human would notice, nothing that disrupted the flow of his lines, but the overworked gears still shifted in protest as he worked. He could see the faded overlay of the project in his vision if he focused. It crackled, slightly blue-yellow, orange glowing indicators where action was needed, where there were mistakes to be corrected.

It isn’t his redstone to fix. The lines under his hands were—freshly laid by his near-expert technique—but the deeper lines, noteblock announcements, droppers, doorgates, the flourish of the house course, weren’t. Etho smooths out the line he was standing near with his thumb. 

There was nothing wrong with the laid redstone, really. It’s just. Well. It’s not even. It takes up so much space. It lacks the efficiency and tidiness he practiced to a precision. It radiated Bdubs in an overpowering way, one that might turn a gear of the heart—one he didn’t have, of course. Etho’s lines are neat, rigid, conforming to his perfect mental map. 

He lets down his section of dust, drifting over to the dispenser system. He pushes a line further into place, brushing dust back from the side. Further on, where the line crosses, he readjusts it, he smooths them from start to end of line. His hands work where his mind recalculates, looking for errors along the redstone already laid out by Bdubs. Programs bubble up to assist; he dismisses a message, and another as he works. The line straightens from source to sink. 

As he passes, searching for another correction, he hears someone above him. In the corner of his vision, another message notification pings: from Bdubs.

They’re all from Bdubs, actually, now that he notices in full. He blinks, mouth twisting into a frown. Whoops.

He hears someone—Bdubs, he realizes, as he notes the fall of his feet, and the sigh he hops down from his horse, the shuffle of said horse, hooves on grass—clear their throat. Bdubs shuffles around as Etho moves back over to his finished redstone, dusting his hands on the sides of his pants. He lifts the small bag of dust, twisting the tie shut around his fingers as he travels back up the line to recheck the connections. 

“Etho?” Bdubs calls. Etho straightens, just on instinct alone, glancing up at the stretch of sky he can see. It’s bright blue, barely dotted with clouds, and the grass looks warm with sun. He fixes where the dust starts as he sections off the end, tossing the rest of the redstone over to his sling bag.

“Under the hill!”

Bdubs leans over the edge, tilting his head at Etho as he peers into the dark. It takes him a moment to find Etho’s face, partially obscured by black fabric and the fluff of wool around his collar. Etho tilts his head, raising his eyebrows.

“Did you need something?” he asks, arm hanging loosely by his side. Bdubs frowns, too, watching Etho’s expression. As his eyes seem to adjust to the dark, his gaze falls on the lines of redstone. He pauses there for a long moment. In that moment, Etho feels something in his chest grind, almost to a noticeable ache. If he could pull in a breath to settle it, he might have, but the sensation and minute sound passes as soon as he moves his hand to press flat against his regulator. Bdubs is gone when he looks up, reappearing only as he drops into the cavern, catching himself on the wall. He readjusts his cloak around his shoulders, shuffling into the low-light.

“Etho,” he says, still frowning. Etho looks him over. He watches Bdubs set his hands on his hips, but his heart rate stays even and his temperature level. The only thing that changes is the tone of his voice, fluctuating with a pattern Etho recognizes as forcing something. Bdubs takes a long breath in and lets it out. Etho’s eyes find the twitch of his fingers as he folds his arms, rather than the sharp curve of his mouth.

“Yes?” Etho asks. He feels his pump work a little harder. It kind of hurts still, whatever’s stopped working in his chest. He flicks his eyes, recalling a diagnostic, setting it to run in the background as he closes out of the overlays and the world returns to yellowish-grey. Bdubs is still frowning.

“You mind tellin’ me what’s wrong with this redstone?”

Etho blinks. The diagnostic comes up clear.

“What do you mean?” he says, his expression shifting into something copying amusement. He’s trying. He’s at least trying to mimic the emotions he sees. Soon enough it’ll feel natural, he’s certain. “What’s wrong with it?”

Bdubs snorts, which turns into a laugh, which turns into Etho smiling a bit wider, a bit more confusion lingering in his expression as he leans around Bdubs to check his meticulously placed line. Bdubs turns away from him, facing the system, the clock that linked the start gates to the timer below.

“What’s—” Bdubs scoffs, shaking his head. “What’s wrong with it? Etho—” he holds out his hand, waving Etho over. Etho lingers at his shoulder as he steps forward, peering over the curve of it and the moss and small leaves and flowers draped over his neck. “It’s too perfect.”

Etho makes a sound like a scoff now, a caught sound in his vocal unit, a stuttering start to his sentence that doesn’t form right away. He’s trying for surprise, the pitch of his voice rising unexpectedly.

“It’s too perfect?” he asks. 

Bdubs nods. After a moment, Etho thinks he sees his expression shift, the high of his cheek rising. When Bdubs turns his head to look at him, just for a second, Bdubs is smiling.

“Bdubs,” Etho says, sighing, turning away from him, to his bag on the far side of the room. He shakes his head. That something-nothing in his chest flutters and fades and disappears all at once, instead replaced with the urge to smile back. Bdubs laughs, and Etho can imagine him tipping his head back, mouth curved up as he giggles to himself. Etho shakes his head. As he starts to pull away from Bdubs, he feels him catch his sleeve, holding fast to his elbow.

“Etho, wait—” Bdubs giggles. “It looks really good.”

Etho raises his eyebrows. Caught in Bdubs grasp, all he can do is look at him, head tilted, trying not to let the amusement show on his face. Bdubs giggles, face breaking again as he does.

“Etho…” he tries again, fighting back a smile. Etho tilts his head the other way, as if to prompt him further, looking for anything. He stays silent. Bdubs hand lowers slowly, that smile faltering just a fraction. Maybe he thinks Etho’s upset with him. There’s a flicker of recognition in his eyes. “You gonna say anythin’? Or you just gonna stand there?”

Etho smiles, finally. He shrugs a little, glancing over at the fixed lines of redstone.

“I fixed your redstone,” he says cooly, sticking his free hand in his pocket. Bdubs blinks. He jerks away as Etho’s smile grows, shoving him hard in his shoulder. Etho wobbles for a moment, smiling to himself, scrunching up his face as Bdubs’ expression morphs. He does laugh, after a beat, poking Etho in the shoulder as he does. Etho hopes he can see the smile in his eyes. He saves, logs, keeps this moment. He’s sure in the low light that his LED spins yellow for a moment. It feels right. If there’s any feeling to catalog.

Bdubs huffs. Etho thinks he hears him say something under his breath. It sounds a lot like thank you.

It’s out of habit, rather than obligation, that Etho finds himself back at the horse course. Of course he ends up here, his feet moving him about as if his brain-not-brain had no thoughts of its own. Man. Some days, it really felt human.

He wanders across the plain, eyes lingering on fully-built buildings, knowing the schematics and plans, watching as those plans-now-buildings stretched higher above his head, where they nearly threatened to pop the sky wide open. 

Bdubs had sat down with him earlier that week, papers spread out between them. He’d stopped by, actually—worked his way up the mountain to the base Etho had finally finished, papers in hand, looking like he was on the verge of collapse. He’d dropped the blueprints on the largest table Etho had managed to clear, spreading out the designs for huge, complex buildings. Etho watched him explain, listened for the inflection of when to offer suggestions, heard the way Bdubs’ voice grew quieter, almost conspiratorial, as he explained his palette. There was something methodical in the way Bdubs spoke, not only in the approach to his colors, but to his style. As much as it seemed eclectic and strange, he watched the pieces fall together as Bdubs spoke of his gradients. There was something deeper there, a precision that Etho, all of a sudden, in that room, craved to emulate. To write to disk. To save. To do more than just copy. 

He’d built the horse stable first—all to his own specifications. It was Bdubs later who came in to detail, tilling up the dirt around to plant grass and flowers, sectioning off parts of the empty stable. It was almost difficult to compartmentalize that Bdubs was finished with it now. That they’d worked each line of the redstone and Etho had supervised the first steps of building, and now he could look up and see the very top, or almost, if he were to strain, of the spikes above the buildings. 

And in just a few weeks, Bdubs was onto another project. Etho smiles to himself. He can’t help it. There was something rather comforting about that. Something about Bdubs dragging him along to help, pointing him toward the thing he was good at, and asking for help. Bdubs showing up at his door with plans. Bdubs cracking jokes with him, and looking for a laugh Etho couldn’t replicate yet. It’s like something clicked. Or was just on the breach of it. And Etho liked it.

Etho clears his field of view, taking in, instead, the stretch of sky where it met the ocean, along the line of hills and grass and flowers, and further still, to the smudge that looked like Bdubs. He blends in too well—the green of his coat barely noticeable against the field of grass that splayed out from the side of his build. There were still materials strewn about—chests half opened, shulkers stacked waist high. 

Bdubs stands to the side of a dark grey and white horse, one hand placed on its nose, the other digging through his bag. Etho watches for a moment. Bdubs fishes around for that entire second that he lingers, searching for something, until he pulls out an apple. Another falls to the ground, rolling away from him. He holds out the fruit for the horse as Etho clears his throat. 

“Hiya, Bdubs—” he says as Bdubs startles, twisting around to see him. He huffs, an immediate frown coming to his face. Bdubs turns to fetch the dropped apple, holding it high above his head as the grey horse nudges its nose into his empty hand. He pats it instead.

“Etho,” he says, tone thin. He sighs, shaking his head. “Scared the life outta me, you know that? You gotta make some noise when you’re walkin’ around.”

Etho smiles, a nice and easy reaction to the annoyance in Bdubs’ voice. It’s getting easier. At least a bit. The smiling part, that is. The inflection that comes with being happy.

“I’ll try next time,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. His hands find his pockets as he looks around, eyes following the path around the buildings. He’s sure the pollen and moss will be stuck to his clothes for days before he gets them out.

“Mm,” Bdubs hums, unconvinced. “I’m sure you will. Now, what’re you doin’ here? You don’t have anything better to do?”

“That’s a good question,” Etho says.

Bdubs turns back to him for a second, just a glance over his shoulder as he cocks his head to the side. He raises his eyebrows before he turns back to the horse, who’s started to nose at his bag. He drags his hand down its nose.

“You’re tellin’ me you don’t have an objective right now?”

“I never have an objective, Bdubs.”

Bdubs snorts again . Etho steps over, slow, minding the horse. It sniffs as Etho holds out his hand, nosing his gloved palm. He pats the horse's nose, somewhat stilted, smoothing over the soft bridge of his nose.

“Right,” Bdubs hums. When Etho glances over to him, Bdubs glances away, as if he’d lingered as Etho stepped over. He’s not moved from Etho’s side, which. Makes something fit into Etho’s chest in a way he isn’t expecting. He rests his hand on the horse's head, looking over at Bdubs in full.

“I can’t come see how the horse course is looking, now that you’re done?” he asks. Bdubs makes an embarrassed sounding noise, watching the rise of the buildings to their left. The horse sniffs, and Etho lifts his hand away, letting it fall to his side.

“I—I got excited about it,” Bdubs mutters. If Etho leans enough, he can see the beginnings of a flush creep over his cheeks, up the shell of his ear. Something about that, too. Etho looks beyond him, though, studying the rise of the buildings as Bdubs does. He nods to himself.

“I can tell,” he says, amusement slipping into his voice, almost naturally. Immediately, Bdubs whips around again, face twisted in offense.

“Hey!” he snaps. “You makin’ fun of me?”

Etho shakes his head, spreading his hands out in front of him as he does.

“No, no. Not at all,” he says, hoping the smile he’s giving is reaching his eyes. “I’m saying we make a pretty good team.”

Bdubs makes a little huff of a sound, but his posture and expression softens. Etho studies it from the moment it appears, trying to place the emotion behind it. He seems upset—but not from anything Etho said. He almost looks guilty.

“We’ve always made a good team,” Bdubs mumbles. Etho blinks.

“Since when have we been a team?”

“Since—s…” Bdubs blurts, then backtracks, folding his arms over his chest. “Well we’re a team now!”

Etho raises his eyebrows, stepping away from the horse and more around Bdubs’ side. He leans in a bit as he stands by his side, bumping their shoulders together. Bdubs doesn’t recoil. Instead, he pushes back, just for a moment, and they jostle. Bdubs hums, sighing through his nose.

“Are we?” Etho asks. Bdubs nods, short and firm.

“Mhm! ‘Cause I said so.”

Etho nods with him. There’s that thing again, a turning, jostling, in some part of his chest that really shouldn’t turn or jostle. He can feel his temperature tick up just a few degrees, a fan kicking on to settle the temperature, thirium sludging warm to cold through his limbs. A team, huh? He couldn’t beat Bdubs’ conviction, that’s for sure. Maybe it was a bit of guilt, then. Maybe something in Bdubs had realized Etho was much more of a help than a hindrance. Maybe Bdubs wanted a friend. Maybe he just felt bad and the feeling bad got to a point where he had to just do something about it. Etho didn’t know. He didn’t live inside Bdubs’ brain. And picking at Bdubs’ every emotion was a task enough to drive his processor into the ground. He could already feel another spike in temperature, LED glowing yellow-blue. Maybe it wasn’t all bad. Etho sticks his hands in his pockets.

“I’d like that,” he says, finally pushing out the words as his programming jumps into gear, “What’s our next project then?”

Bdubs goes back to jostling him before he turns away, moving from Etho’s side to collect his horse. Gathering the horse's reins in his hands, Bdubs pauses.

“Ooh…” he says, frowning a little. Etho watches the little furrow of his eyebrows—thinking. Bdubs is turning the idea over in his head. Bdubs steps back over with the horse in tow, already walking in the direction of the horse stable. Etho jolts forward, taking several big steps to match Bdubs’ pace. “Well why don’t you come back to the clock and we can talk about it, huh?”

“That sounds nice.”

Bdubs makes an affirmative sound, leading the horse around and into the stable. Etho watches him unlatch the gate, ushering the horse into the pen.

“I can put the kettle on and everything,” Bdubs says. He lifts the bridle out of the horse’s mouth, running his hand along the length of the horse’s nose. Etho doesn’t mean to watch him as he does, but the action is so purposeful. There’s a moment where Bdubs’ expression is unreadable—unreadable as in Etho simply can’t place anything on it. Unreadable in the amount it changes—something softer than he’s seen, something far away. Bdubs’ whole demeanor seems to shift as he stands still for a moment. Etho isn’t sure what to do with himself. He’s just standing in straw and dirt and stones, all of which he can feel under his shoes. He shuffles a bit, back and forth, to make his presence known, before he says:

“You know I can’t drink anything, Bdubs.”

And Bdubs rolls his eyes, squinting over at him, stepping away from the horse to hop the gate.

“Well you can at least fake it,” he grumbles. He folds his arms again, wrinkling his nose at Bdubs as Bdubs leads him out of the pen and into the open field around the horse course. The shadow of the buildings above them hasn’t changed, yet. The sun is still high and warm in the sky.

Etho laughs. At least, he makes a sound that he thinks passes as a laugh. Bdubs laughs too, though, so it must sound pretty convincing. He nods, the smile on his face feeling much more natural than he ever could have expected. 

“I could fake it,” he laughs. “Sure.”

Bdubs grins at him. It’s nice. It makes the walk back to his base a little more bearable.

By the time Etho gets his invitation to the life game, he’s grown accustomed to being at Bdubs’ side again. He wanders around Bdubs’ base like he knows it, makes it a spot he chooses to map, to memorize. Bdubs checks in on him when he isn’t around as much—asks him how his builds are going, wonders if he needs help. Bdubs lingers in his spaces too, like a plant trying to root, gives himself reasons to stand in doorways just a bit longer, just enough to extend their goodbyes. It feels right—in a way that almost gives reason to Etho’s deviation. Maybe, deep down, from their first introduction, Etho had decided to glue himself to Bdubs’ side and not become unstuck. Maybe he’d simply put that decision, his first ever decision, into motion that day. It didn’t matter much as to why anymore.

When Etho gets his letter, he doesn’t open it. He holds it between two fingers, turning it over and over. He doesn’t need to read it to know what it says. There’s a dark red seal on the back, shaped like a heart. He makes a little sound, some sort of click in the back of his mouth, before he stuffs the letter in his pocket, half-folded.

He finds Bdubs exactly where he expects. Bdubs is sitting cross-legged in his garden, hands in the dirt, when Etho arrives at the crescent moon base. If he looks closely enough, Etho can still tell that Bdubs’ own letter sits on his window sill in the kitchen, unopened. But he’s really squinting to notice, so he writes it off for now as a flaw in his own sight. 

Bdubs turns to him as he walks up. His hair is pushed back away from his face with his bandana, and his hands are covered in dirt, and he’s got a streak of black soil across his forehead that Etho tries not to look at for too long. Bdubs shoots him a toothy grin, going back to his bright orange tulips. If Etho looks long enough, he could probably guess the soil mixture, and tell him if it's good enough to be planting orange tulips in, but he doesn’t. Instead, he comes to stand behind him and Bdubs hums in greeting.

“Etho,” he says, looking up again, wiping the dirt from his forehead. “What can I do for you?”

“Oh, nothin’,” Etho says, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He forgets who he picked the gesture up from, but it’s become part of his natural body language patterns now, so he won’t be stopping it anytime soon. “I just came to see how you were doing.”

“How I was doin’, huh?” Bdubs asks, amusement trickling into his voice. Etho smiles, feeling his face pull.

“Mhm,” he says. “That’s right. I can’t come and check up on a friend?”

Bdubs laughs, sticking his spade in the dirt.

“Oh, we’re friends now?” he says, still giggling as he turns around. “I thought we were just a team.”

Etho watches him lean back on his hands, legs coming out from under him. He tries to read Bdubs’ expression and voice for any note of insincerity, or play, or teasing, but doesn’t find anything he normally associates with Bdubs. This just feels true.

“I mean, I figured with how much we’ve been working together…” Etho starts, to which Bdubs startles, waving his hands.

“No, no!” Bdubs yelps. “Etho, I thought the same thing! I just wasn’t expectin’ it from you.”

Etho blinks. It feels owlish, small, almost a wrong reaction to hearing Bdubs say something like that. But it’s what immediately happens, before he tries to open his mouth, and no sound comes out. He waits for a moment. He assumes his LED spins, maybe even red, as Bdubs watches him, face paling.

“Oh,” Etho says quietly.

“We’re friends,” Bdubs says, voice much smaller than Etho’s ever heard it. “‘S that alright with you?”

Etho feels like the proper response would be to laugh, if he could really feel anything at all besides every gear in his chest halting and restarting themselves. He makes a noise that sounds almost like a cough.

“Mhm,” he says. He watches Bdubs’ shoulders relax and finds that his own posture sinks with it. 

“Good,” Bdubs says, nodding along. “Was there anything else you wanted to scare me with?”

Etho knows this tone—playful. Teasing. He works up a smile and fishes the letter from his pocket, slightly bent. Bdubs’ eyes flick right to it, right to the red seal pressed into the paper. Immediately, he scrambles up, reaching for the note in Etho’s hands. Etho lets him grab it in his dirt-covered fingers, even as Bdubs tries frantically to dust off his hands as he notices. Bdubs turns it over itself, glancing up at Etho.

“It’s for you?”

Etho nods.

“It was on my doorstep this morning,” he says. “I can see you’ve got one in your window?”

Bdubs snorts, shaking his head.

“Yeah, I haven’t opened the damn thing. I’m excited up until the point I’m not, ‘cause I know I’m gonna lose again.”

Etho hums. As Bdubs hands him back the letter, Etho rests his hand on his shoulder, giving it a hesitant, light squeeze. Bdubs looks quickly down at it, before he’s back to staring at Etho’s face.

“Don’t worry, Bdubs,” he says, hoping his voice is full of amusement and affection like he feels like it is. “You’ll have me there this time!”

And Bdubs laughs, full and warm in his chest, and Etho jostles him around as he does, until Bdubs is smacking his shoulder and wiggling free. He picks up his fallen hat and his tools, and Etho follows him around the side of the house as he puts things away. As he shuts one of the chest, Bdubs says:

“You mean that, though? You wanna be on a team?”

Etho smiles, feeling his eyes squint, forces every ounce of new feeling into his words when he says:

“I don’t think I wanna team with anyone else, Bdubs.”

And Bdubs’ grin in excitement is more than enough to convince him he’s made the right choice.

It’ll be a long two weeks until the death game starts. When he returns home later that night, Bdubs’ plans for success turning over in his brain, recording for later, Etho reads over the letter enough to commit the page to memory. He keeps it safe internally as the letter finds its way to his bookshelf, half-sealed. Through him, like it’s just under the skin, runs an emotion he’s not yet familiar with. He hopes it's a good one, at the very least. He hopes so, as much as an android, a machine, someone just now familiar with the idea of free will, can hope. 

It feels good, though. And something makes him think that everything will turn out just fine.

[scribespirare]

Do you think you could write an a/b/o for omega Miles babysitting Mayday at HQ, and tsundere alpha Miguel doesn't know how to cope? The way you write these two is just *chef's kiss*

Nonnie i could kiss you for this request i love it so so much. i kinda...went a little nuts with it lmao. first its sappy then it gets sad and it ends very horny. its 2k long ajdfkdj;a. i think im gonna write the sex scene later and post it as a full fic.

There are very few things that can stop Miguel O'Hara in his tracks these days. He's been there, seen it all, got the goddamned spider suit to prove it. Surprising him is nigh impossible and he likes it that way.

For some reason, Miles Morales seems to be at the top of the list of things that can get to him though.

Miles, with his big dark eyes and his sneer and his inability to listen to common sense or reason. The Omega superhero who defies every stereotype about his gender. Who smells absolutely amazing and is stunning in action, lithe body built perfectly for his acrobatics.  

Miles, who is currently sitting in HQ's control room with Mayday in his lap, his face bright and smiling as she babbles at him. He's got her little hands in each of his own, lifting them one after the other as she stamps her feet.

"I know!" he says in response to her babbling, attention completely on the little girl. "It's crazy, right? Tell me more about it."

Mayday obliges, her babbling raising in both pitch and tempo like she really is going on a diatribe of some kind. She seems to be enjoying having a captive audience and isn't going to let it go to waste.

It's...well, Miguel really and truly has been stopped in his tracks. It's the first Omegean thing he's ever seen from Miles. Normally he's so contrarian and difficult, not to mention eager to jump into danger and equally as capable of actually handling it. You'd think he was an Alpha the way he behaves, small, lithe form be damned.

Seeing him like this, soft and sweet and smiling, his scent bright and nearly floral, is...doing things to Miguel. Bringing up feelings and urges that he's known were there, but which he'd been successfully keeping under lock and key.

Miles suddenly seems to become aware of Miguel's presence, and he looks up. His smile fades a little but it's a smile all the same, and Miguel's pretty sure Miles hasn't smiled at him since...well, everything. It looks good on him.

"Hey, wasn't sure when you were going to be back. Peter asked me to babysit for him though and I figured hanging out here would be better than taking her home with me. Not sure how I would explain that one to my folks."

The idea of someone mistakenly thinking Mayday is Miles’, that the Omega has a child, has been mated and more, makes Miguel’s nostrils flare. He clamps down ruthlessly on the reaction, knowing that if he doesn’t his interest will undoubtedly be noticeable in his scent.

“Just keep it down,” are the words that come off of Miguel’s tongue. They’re better than Do you want a child? or You’d make a good mother or, even worse, I could give you one of your own, if you want. 

Miles’ smile turns into a frown and then an unhappy twist. He clicks his tongue, says, “Whatever, man,” and goes back to Mayday. He’s speaking quietly to her now but Miguel can pick up his own name and big meany and assh- wait I can’t say that to you.

Miguel just heads for his central computers, waking them up and logging into the system to check on how everything is running today. But he can’t help the way he watches Miles’ and Mayday’s reflections on the screen. He can’t pick up many details like this but he can still smell them. Happy, pleased Omega, and the young, innocent scent of a child unpresented. Of babe and mother.

Christ, Miguel is going to hell for this.

It’s been about an hour of Miguel pretending to work but actually getting very little done, when Miles speaks up. “Hey, Miguel, you know stuff about kids, right?”

Miguel’s shoulders hunch and he breathes out slowly. Of course he does. He turns, glaring back at Miles. Mayday has been dragging him around the room with her crawling and right now they’re both hanging upside down from the ceiling, Miles sitting cross legged and her on his shoulders.

“Yes,” Miguel says sharply.

Miles’ mouth twists, but for once it doesn’t seem like it’s directed at Miguel. “Sorry, that was kinda insensitive, huh? I was just curious, ya know, about parenthood and all.”

Another bolt of longing shoots through Miguel. It’s part arousal, part wistfulness for his lost family.

You could start again, part of him says. Children. A mate. It’s not too late for you. He’s right there.

“What do you want to know about it?”

Miles shrugs, which causes Mayday to wobble dangerously and laugh delightedly about it. “Just, is it good? Like, hanging out with Mayday is great, but I can’t imagine having one of my own.”

You don’t have to imagine, Miguel thinks, but says, “It’s different, when they’re yours.”

“How so?”

Miguel sighs and holds out his arms to Mayday. Even though she’s halfway across the room she immediately lets out an excited shriek and climbs her way down a protesting Miles’ body. It takes only a minute before she’s dropping into Miguel’s arms and then crawling all over him.

“Kids are work and energy,” Miguel explains. “When they’re someone else’s, you’re happy to give them back after a certain point. When they’re yours, even when you’re annoyed or upset with them, you still know it’s all worth it. You can’t imagine a life without them.”

“Oh,” says Miles. He watches quietly for a moment as Mayday continues her excited quest to make Miguel look as ridiculous as possible, before he too crawls across the ceiling and drops down. Sadly it’s not into Miguel’s arms like Mayday had.

Gingerly, Miles’ takes the little girl back, and she goes willingly enough. “Sorry if that was like, rude or anything. And don’t kill me for saying this but you sound like you make a really good Alpha, mate wise.”

Miles is halfway across the room again before Miguel can reply, like he really is expecting retaliation. Miguel just shakes his head and pretends to go back to his work.

I am a good Alpha he thinks. I could show you. We could have a whole litter of kids. You’d love it. And then inevitably Miguel’s thoughts turn lascivious. He ends up losing himself to a daydream about exactly how he wants to breed Miles (facing each other, his fangs buried in Miles’ throat, Miles’ flexible, coltish legs wrapped around his hips, heels digging in to coax Miguel into fucking him harder) while watching the Omega’s reflection.

He doesn’t come up for air until Peter makes his appearance. The man gives Miguel a quizzical look but is distracted quickly enough by his daughter. He sticks around long enough that Miguel does actually get some work done, and when his voice finally fades away Miguel figures he’s alone.

That is, until Miles clears his throat directly behind him.

Miguel doesn’t jump, but it’s a near thing. He turns and looks down at the Omega in annoyance, raising one eyebrow in a silent question.

Miles looks shifty, transferring his weight from one foot to the other like he’s thinking about running, but he’s got that mulish jut to his chin and a hard glint in his eyes that Miguel recognizes at the stubborn streak that’s lead them into more fights than he’d like to admit.

Is regularly wanting to throttle a teenage Omega better or worse than wanting to fuck him?

“Spit it out, kid,” Miguel eventually snaps.

Miles juts his chin out even further. “I’m not stupid,” he says, which, well he’s just inviting a scathing retort with that. Miguel’s expression must convey this because Miles rallies and goes on quickly, not giving the Alpha a chance to cut in. “I’m not! I saw how you were looking at me today, with Mayday. And then your scent…you were looking at me through the reflection on the computer screen.”

Miguel stiffens all over because fuck. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he grinds out.

“The hell you don’t! Even Peter smelled it. You’re into me, you smell like you want to jump me.”

There’s one of two ways Miguel can play this; deny it till his dying breath, or agree and pretend it doesn’t matter. His panicked brain picks the latter, because Miles isn’t stupid, and he’s tenacious as hell. He’ll hound Miguel until Miguel gives him an answer the Omega is satisfied with.

“So?” Miguel says.

That makes Miles pause, his eyes flicking back and forth between Miguel’s. He clearly isn’t seeing what he wants to though, brow knitting in confusion. “What do you mean ‘so’? So, you’re horny as hell for me.”

“You’re an Omega and I’m an Alpha,” Miguel explains slowly, like he’s speaking to a child. “It’s biology.” Which of course just ruffles Miles’ feathers and makes him puff up even more.

“That’s bullshit. You’ve never smelled like that before around me,” Miles insists.

Miguel is butting up against almost the exact same decision from before. Does he own up, or does he keep denying it means anything?

With a faint snarl of annoyance at having been put in this situation to begin with, Miguel says, “Most Alphas seeing an unbonded Omega with a young child are going to be affected.” The word horny will absolutely not be crossing his lips. “It sparks an instinct in us.”

Miles narrows his eyes, a faint smirk curling at his mouth. He thinks he’s won. “A breeding instinct,” he accuses.

Miguel turns his gaze skyward, giving a quick prayer to whichever poor saint is watching over him today to give him patience. “Yes, Miles. A breeding instinct.”

“I knew it!”

“Congratulations,” Miguel says dryly, crossing his arms over his chest. “Now will you go away so I can do some work in peace?”

And there’s the chin jut again. Stubborn ass Omega. “I’m not done with you yet.”

The corner of Miguel’s lip twitches of up into an involuntarily snarl. “Well I’m done with you, malcriado. Vete.”

“No. I want to know if this was a one off,” Miles demands. “’Cause like, sure seeing an Omega with a kid might work for you, but my theory is that you’re already into me and it just pushed you over the edge. You’re too uptight to let your scent go wild like that unless you’re like, close to losing it.”

How the hell is this kid so damn perceptive? Clearly Miguel’s going to need to work on his defenses if Miles is reading him like a damn book. He sighs and rubs at the bridge of his nose with two fingers, trying to figure out how to get out of this.

Well, he’s dug this fucking grave. Time to lie in it.

“Fine, Miles,” he says wearily, dropping his hand and making direct eye contact with the Omega. “Yes, I have more than a passing interest in you as a mate. Seeing you with Mayday made me think about having children with you myself. Are we done with this line of questioning now? Are you finally satisfied?”

Miles smiles slowly, then wrinkles his nose. “Having children with me, huh? That’s an incredibly boring way to talk about breeding. Why so family friendly? Just say you wanna fuck me. And no, by the way, I’m not satisfied yet. You gotta make good on all that before I let it drop.”

Silence reigns as Miguel’s brain just churns through the words, understanding them individually but failing to grasp the big picture.

“Not, like, immediately though!” Miles rushes to add, oblivious to Miguel’s plight. “I’m not ready for kids yet, not to mention my parents would kill me. But we could, you know, practice?” He looks stupidly hopeful, staring up at Miguel with that little smile on his lips, rocking forward on the balls of his feet.

“You…want me to breed you,” Miguel says slowly.

Miles snorts and rolls his eyes. “Well, practice breeding me. But yeah, that’s what I just said didn’t I? Get with it, old man, we’re wasting daylight here.”

Miguel’s never been one to follow orders. But how’s an Alpha supposed to resist?

[vivitalks]

Last night I saw the Great Gatsby musical. Before I went, I reread the Great Gatsby book (for the first time since 11th grade!) to get a refresher on the source material and the original story. Having the book so fresh in my mind made seeing the musical really interesting, and now I am going to do something I never thought I'd do, which is post some lengthy meta about The Great Gatsby. If you haven't seen the musical, this post may still be interesting to read, but it does contain some mild spoilers, so I leave that up to you. If you also haven't read the book, godspeed lol.

There's a lot I could talk about here when it comes to the way the book was adapted for the stage. But there's one particular thing I want to zero in on in this post, and that's the "unreliable narrator" of it all.

In the book, Nick Carraway is our narrator. He's an unreliable narrator practically by default - the idea is that he's retelling events that occurred two years prior, from memory. But even knowing that Nick is probably not reporting all events and characters with complete accuracy, it's hard to know which parts exactly are wrong, or what might have happened in reality, because even though he's an unreliable narrator, he's still the only narrator and this is the only version of events we know. We're forced to take Nick as our surrogate and take him at his word. Until the musical.

(I wondered how the show was going to deal with the fact that the story of Great Gatsby is not only told by an unreliable narrator but also by an outside perspective - generally speaking the events of the Great Gatsby aren't happening to Nick, they're just kind of happening around him. Yet he's the voice of the story, so in that way he's central to it, and I was curious how they were going to balance that fact with the fact that Gatsby is functionally the main character.

I think they struck a really good balance in the end. Nick's beginning and ending lines, lifted verbatim from his book narration, frame him clearly as the anchor of the story - I think that's the best word for it; the audience jumps from scene to scene, many but not all of which contain Nick, but we know that Nick is always going to be where the action is, or that he will at least know about it. He may not be the main character, but he's an essential character. But I digress a little bit.)

The difference between the way the story is imparted to the audience in the book versus in the musical boils down to this: in the book, Nick "plays" every character, so all their dialogue and actions, their mannerisms and the way they're described and reported, it's all informed by the beliefs Nick holds about them. Whether he means to or not, his biases paint certain characters in certain lights, and because he is our eyes and ears to the story, we have no choice but to absorb those biases.

But in the musical, every character is literally played by a different actor. Nick can only speak for himself. Nick can only tell his own parts as they happened. He may be "telling" the story, but we're watching the story. We have the benefit of an unblemished perspective on things - we can watch the events the way they actually unfold, regardless of how Nick believes or remembers they went down.

This difference - between Nick as the narrator and Nick as merely his own voice - is crucial in how the musical develops each character, some of them fairly different from how Nick described them in the book. And there's one book-to-stage change - a fairly small one, all things considered - that, to me, illustrated this difference perfectly.

There's a line towards the end of the Gatsby book. Something Nick says in narration, after his final conversation with Tom Buchanan, talking about how Tom gave away Gatsby's name and location to George Wilson (which ultimately led to Gatsby's death). Nick writes:

"I couldn’t forgive him or like him, but I saw that what he had done was, to him, entirely justified. It was all very careless and confused. They were careless people, Tom and Daisy — they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made…"

When I read this line in the book, I couldn't help vehemently agreeing. Screw those rich assholes! Money does corrupt! Tom and Daisy ARE careless wealthy people! It was easy to side with Nick, not only because he was the only perspective on the situation that I had, but also because he said this in internal response to a conversation with Tom, who, I think we can all agree, is a major jackass and a deeply unsympathetic character.

But in the musical, this line is spoken aloud by Nick. And he says it to Daisy, in her house, as she's packing up to skip town after Gatsby's death. In fact, he doesn't just say it; he shouts it, visibly and audibly outraged at her audacity to lead Gatsby on, ghost him, skip his funeral, and then move away to avoid the fallout. Nick is angry and highly critical of Daisy. But because we're no longer confined to his shoes, we also get to see Daisy's reaction - not as Nick remembers it, but as Daisy actually reacts. And because of that, we're able to really see, and confirm, that "Daisy is rich and careless" is not the full story.

I have to credit Eva Noblezada for a phenomenal performance (duh). Daisy in this scene is emotional, grieving, and it's clear she has been trying to contain these feelings for the sake of her husband and her own sanity. She's remorseful, not that Gatsby is gone necessarily, but that she allowed herself to entertain the fantasy of running away with him, only for it to be torn from her. She is trying to make the best of her unavoidable reality. And then Nick tears her a new one, calling her careless, accusing her of destroying things and being too rich to care.

And as I watched that scene, I was no longer wholly on Nick's side. I understood that this situation was so much more complex than Nick's chastisement acknowledged. Sure, Daisy wasn't innocent, but she also wasn't the callous rich girl Nick made her out to be. She did love Gatsby. And she also had a whole life with Tom. She had a daughter. She was a woman in the 1920s! That's a kind of life sentence even wealth can't erase.

The way Daisy responded may not quite have landed with Nick (if we consider the kind of fun possibility that the musical is the events as they happened and the book is Nick retelling those events as he remembers them two years later, then clearly Nick's disdain for Daisy's actions overtook whatever sympathy he felt for her), but the musical gave Daisy the opportunity to appeal to us. The audience. Having this omniscient perspective of things allowed us to draw our own conclusions, and I found myself a lot more sympathetic towards Daisy when I could both see and hear how she responded to Nick's verbal castigation.

In the book, Nick is the narrator. In the musical, Nick is a narrator. But he's no longer the sole arbiter of the story. The audience got to make our own judgements on the events as we witnessed them. Every one of us was a Nick - beholden to our own biases, maybe, but at least not beholden to his.

[lawsofchaos1]

Promptlet: Malec Early Meeting

Izzy and Jace start clubbing early because Shadowhunters consider themselves adults around fourteen when they begin full mission status at the Institute. So, sixteen year old Alec just sighs and brings his Advanced Clave Law seminar work to Pandemonium and sits in the corner of the bar with a thick legal text and his battered spiral notebook for his rough draft essays. He doesn’t care if Jace and Izzy are taking field assignments, they’re still his little siblings and need a chaperone.

Magnus, obviously, starts hearing gossip from his bemused bartenders about the young nephilim downing club sodas with lime while frantically highlighting a battered copy of the Accords and decides he needs to figure out what's going on. Immediately.

So, Magnus ends up chatting with Alec (who, as it turns out, really likes the Shirley Temple Magnus snaps up for him in what was supposed to be a joke) and starts flipping through Alec's latest homework assignment. Magnus blinks, snaps up another Shirley Temple to keep Alec busy, and carefully reads the essay twice over, pulling out his own notebook (bound leather and fountain pen with a gold nib of course) halfway through. Alec found a loophole, a big loophole, that would exempt Downworlders from being questioned without notification to their faction leader. 

Alec is an absolute disaster of a baby gay whenever Magnus so much as says hello or looks in his general direction, but, once he starts arguing the Law? He is vicious and ruthless and sharply concise. (Although Magnus becomes a little bit of a disaster himself when Alec absentmindedly starts chewing on his cherry stem while debating the finer points of interpreting The Clave vs. HOTI-Beijing, 1823.)

Ragnor comes over all the way from England just to see Magnus utterly lose his cool at this now seventeen year old shadowhunter who is literally drinking Shirley Temples and eating his weight in the extra cherries the bartenders slip him because they adore him too. Also, in terms of relationship dynamics? I think it would be kind of fun to explore Alec having a gigantic crush on Magnus (and Magnus just kind of utterly adoring Alec in turn between his obvious looks and, more importantly, his intelligence and his sharp humor and just .. everything) but also realizing that Alec is seventeen.

Alec is much more open (not that he had a snowball's chance in hell of hiding his Gigantic Crush on the High Warlock from anyone in Pandemonium except his siblings), and wages what amounts to pretty much open warfare to get Magnus to date him. He's insistent that Shadowhunters don't mature as slowly as mundanes (which.. fair) and makes bulleted lists and actions plans for every reason Magnus tries to say he deserves better/Magnus is too old/Alec is too young/etc.

And.. just how the Downworlders slide a stray Shirley Temple across the table for advice? Alec starts bringing little vouchers for a certain amount of advice time (or maybe little cupcakes or chocolate chip cookies that he makes for Jace and Izzy or something?) and slides them furtively across the table.

"Where might one take the High Warlock of Brooklyn out on a date?"

And then somehow two days later Magnus ends up in Central Park responding to a call from one of his warlocks and instead Alec is waiting there with a picnic lunch and a blanket and looking very, very smug.

This teenage Shadowhunter is outsmarting him. What even is this?

Also, Can you imagine the first time an old fling of Magnus' portals in to Pandemonium for the evening, expecting a night of fun, and the moment they ask where Magnus is at the bar, every Downworlder in hearing distance is glaring? Suddenly a good dozen wolves and vampires put aside their decades old fights and start running interference to keep this brazen interloper away from where Alec is holding court ranting about the Clave's shoddy grammar and lack of consistent position on Oxford commas (which, how dare) and how that can be used to interpret their latest ruling in three different ways, depending on what side you want to fight on.

(Magnus is sighing and staring dreamily from across the table.)

One day, Camille starts her usual nastiness and trying to get Magnus to come crawling back and Magnus feels .. nothing for her. The only thing Magnus feels is rage that Camille would try to interfere when he's clearly ... dating someone now.

And Magnus blinks wildly internally because holy shit he's dating Alec. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN MAGNUS DOES NOT KNOW

I do think Magnus would hold off on anything physical until Alec was what Magnus considered of age, so think how fun it would be to explore how the two of them date when their primary love language can't include sex?

Think of all the cuddles and the literal sleeping together and the hand holding and the forehead kisses and, excuse me but did I mention the cuddles? I really want Magnus and Alec cuddling on Magnus' throne at Pandemonium after a hard patrol and Alec falling asleep and all the Downworlders just kind of cooing at their very favorite nephilim.

(I also imagine an impressively oblivious pair of siblings who don't realize their brother isn't just moping in a corner while they dance for literal years.)

When Alec is older maybe Jace and Izzy start trying to subtly tell him it's okay to be gay, he doesn't have to hide it - they'll still love him, and Alec is just .. like .... 'what are you talking about?' as he smugly claims his gorgeous boyfriend.

[heliza24]

Wilhelm closing the curtains

I know people have varying opinions on the moment when Wilhelm closes the curtains in 2.5, but to me it’s always felt really special, in a way that goes beyond a reaction to past trauma. There is something about that action that feels really sacred to me, but I was struggling to articulate what until I started talking with @bluedalahorse about it. She said something so great that it sparked a bunch of ideas in my head: what if we thought about Hillerska, not just as a school deeply entrenched in the class system, but as a panopticon?

A panopticon is “a disciplinary concept brought to life in the form of a central observation tower placed within a circle of prison cells. From the tower, a guard can see every cell and inmate but the inmates can't see into the tower. Prisoners will never know whether or not they are being watched.” Basically, it’s a conceptual prison where because  you could be observed at any moment, you behave as if you are always being observed.

Now obviously Hillerska isn’t a literal prison; this is a metaphor more than anything. But I think it’s a useful way of examining the dynamics in the school.  Because the adults at Hillerska aren’t the only ones enforcing upper class values and hierarchy. The students are also policing each other  as well. That means that any student could be observed “breaking the rules” established for upper class kids at any time. An important part of the unspoken rules you agree to at Hillerska are to follow the traditions set out for you, and to keep the authentic, vulnerable version of yourself hidden. It’s very important that you only show vulnerability in sanctioned ways, and to the correct people.

There are a lot of tangible ways this system of self-policing manifests. There’s the “get on the table” tradition, which allows the Forest Ridge boys to monitor each other’s hookups to make sure that everyone is picking appropriate partners. There’s the pledge that August makes Wilhelm take after his initiation, to “never betray the proud traditions of Forest Ridge House”. And there’s the system of prefects, where one student is elected to explicitly control and discipline the other students. 

I would say that the royal family and the court operate in much the same way. The members of the royal family are always policing each other for good behavior, and the apparatus of the court and the royal staff works to cover up any deviant acts and reinforce the status quo. The royal family is always being observed by the public and the media, so they are always careful to act with propriety. So between the palace and Hillerska, Wilhelm has lived his whole life being observed. He’s never been free of the panopticon. 

Thinking about Hillerska in this way can really help us understand August’s actions in season 1. When August records and posts the video, he’s acting in the way that he’s been trained to do. Wilhelm has broken the rules in a few ways: by having sex with another boy, by falling in love outside of his class, and maybe most importantly, by being intimate with someone who lives largely outside of the panopticon and can therefore not be controlled by it. As Nils tells us in season 2, the rules about who you can be intimate with are very image-dependent. You can have gay sex as long as the person you’re sleeping with will be discreet. But Simon is an outsider. His ties to his family and Marieberg mean that he’s immune to the Hillerska panopticon in a lot of ways. So it makes total sense that August would act almost without thinking (he’s intoxicated when he records the video) to reinforce the rules and punish Wilhelm for stepping out of line like this. 

To return to the royal family for a minute, I am continuously fascinated by the way that Kristina reacts to Wilhelm threatening to post on social media that he is stepping down as Crown Prince. The most powerful threat that Wilhelm can make is to remove the power of his immediate observers (the royal family and of the court) by exposing his true self to the general public. The panopticon relies on your close circle observing and controlling you, but as soon as you reveal your authentic self publicly, the power of that circle disappears. When Kristina tells Wilhelm “you have to realize that there will be reactions when you threaten us” in 2.2, she basically draws a line between Wilhelm the Person and Wilhelm the Prince. Wilhelm the Person was threatening Wilhelm the Prince, and by extension the whole royal family and circle of observation. 

Because of that I think it’s important to remember that Kristina leverages therapy not as a genuine solution for Wilhelm’s mental health struggles, but as a tool of the panopticon. Therapy is supposed to teach Wilhelm how to better control and suppress his emotions, so that he can act more controlled while he is being observed. I know some people like to speculate that Erik was also struggling under the weight of the crown before his death, and that may be true. But I also think it’s important to recognize that Erik was using coping skills that were explicitly approved by the panopticon system. Wilhelm never knew he went to therapy, which meant he was likely using it as Kristina intended, as a way to help him maintain a perfect princely image. He was having hookups with sex workers, who could certainly be controlled and paid off enough to ensure that they never threatened his image. And he was (at least) casually drinking, a form of self medicating that might be seen as more acceptable by his family and the court than relying on actual pharmaceuticals. (There’s certainly a longer tradition of princes and kings drinking than taking antidepressants). I think that if Erik had lived, he would be sympathetic to Wilhelm’s plight. But I also think that he would have encouraged Wilhelm to deal with his problems through officially sanctioned methods, which ultimately wouldn’t have been enough to help Wilhelm.

So now let’s finally return to the window and the curtain. The idea of a window through which the prisoner is observed is crucial to the concept of the panopticon, and I think it’s really interesting to contrast the way that August and Wilhelm react to it. August takes the call from the palace, where Jan-Olaf maps out his future to him, standing naked in front of the window. August is comfortable with this system of observation and control; he’s consenting to Jan-Olaf’s demands without argument and is unafraid to be seen while doing so. He’s a part of and protected by the system, so it doesn’t matter if anyone sees him.

When Wilhelm closes the curtain for him and Simon though, he’s effectively taking himself out of the panopticon. He’s taking away the pressures that come with being observed and freeing them both to behave genuinely. I think that’s a really big deal for Wilhelm, who was raised in the royal system of control and is now living in the social hierarchy of Hillerska. As much as closing the curtains is a reaction to what August did, it’s also a revolutionary act. Claiming privacy in that way is a really big step in Wilhelm’s journey, and I think it’s something he had to do first before he was ready to publicly claim his queerness and relationship with Simon at the end of Season 2.