#i say woman but i technically identify as a nonbinary woman (woman is fine too!) my gender is like. Woman with a sprinkle of agenderness lo

[bardicbird]

gender/pronoun hcs for the mighty nein + essek because i am legally obligated to hit every character w/ my queerification beam

caleb - was born a guy and is comfortable being called a guy and using he/him but someone asks him if he’s a man and he’s like “uhh????? sure? maybe?” has that very Neurodivergent connection to gender where he doesn’t really understand the purpose or practicality of it so he just. doesn’t think about it. if you reallyyyy made him think abt it he’d probably say he/they pronouns are fine.

fjord - transgender babeyyyy. he transitioned somewhere around the time where he chilled w/ vandren a lot, and vandren was very supportive. fjord was the kinda kid who grew up aggressively not thinking about gender until someone went ‘hey if you want to be perceived as a boy that much than you probably are one’ and he went ‘oh . oh fuck.’ uses he/him !

beau - 100% nonbinary lesbian. definitely has that ‘i grew up in a household that forced rigid femininity on me so now I’m uncomfortable with it’ vibe. pretty much cool with all pronouns and will just kind of. shrug if you ask, but there are definitely situations where she does not want people to refer to her as a woman (especially around strangers or male authority figures). she’s totally cool with the nein using she/he/they .

yasha - guess what it’s another nonbinary lesbian. yasha has kinda just. demigirl vibes. where she’s fine being called a woman but she just doesn’t super see a point in connecting to any femininity or feelings of womanhood. views her gender similarly to caleb but in the girl way ! i think she would use she/they :]

veth - i mean., if you give me a whole trans allegory backstory I’m going to hc her as trans 😌 no one in the nein is cishet. probably transitioned pretty early in her life , before all the goblin shit went down, and probably even before she met yeza. uses she/her !

jester - trans girl jester !!! i also hc marion as not-totally-cis so she definitely had a supportive household growing up, and probably transitioned very early. even picked out a new name with her mom ! i think jester would just have a lot of fun with gender. she identifies solely as a girl, but looooves to fuck around with neopronouns and different expressions of her identity. she would probably go by she/her as well as just. a whole list of neopronouns that i can’t think of right now. maybe some themed around cute creatures and sweets :]

mollymauk - genderfluid legend. his gender is literally just ‘fuck around find out’. he is every gender at once, and likes to express this in many different ways. doesn’t give a fuck about pronouns: he uses all of them. and he will absolutely refer to himself as a man and a woman in the same sentence to confuse people. i don’t particularly think molly would be okay with it/its but he’d definitely be cool with other neopronouns ! xe/xir definitely comes to mind with him.

caduceus - gender??? we don’t know her. cad’s just vibing. pretty agender as things go but doesn’t use labels. everyone sort of assumes he just goes by he/him and he doesn’t bother to correct them because i mean. they’re not technically wrong; he just likes other pronouns as well. he would definitely call himself a man casually and then take a solid minute to laugh at himself because ‘oh my god that sounds so silly’. would mostly go by he/they but wouldn’t mind a she thrown in there from time to time !

essek - there is no way this floating dysphoria hoodie of a man is cis. i hc him as transmasc ! which creates some.. interesting connotations in terms of drow tradition. i’d like to think that that’s part of the reason why he keeps his hair short? bc traditionally drow men have long hair and when essek came out he was just like ‘ugh fuck this I’m not growing my hair out thats too much work’. i think he’d primarily use he/him but would be pleasantly surprised at an occasional they.

[tiptapricot]

Here's my goofy but also serious takes on ofmd characters' genders bc I thought abt it too much 💖

Stede and Lucius both have cis gnc gay man swag.

Jim is nonbinary transmasc, and doesn't rlly care much but also specifically doesn't like being perceived as a woman.

Oluwande is either a binary trans man or nonbinary with a really neutral eh kind of feeling on gender. He's vibing either way.

Black Pete's kind of fluid identity wise but the problem is that he'll also say he identifies a certain way if it better fits his current story/situation, to the point that people around him never know when he's telling the truth or not (and neither does he).

Buttons is a guy but also doesn't have a gender.

The Swede is both a girlboy and a boygirl.

Frenchie generally identifies as a guy but really just doesn't care enough to think about it. If you talk to him he gets pretty hand wavy and like "is that gender?" abt it. Fine with dresses and diff pronouns sometimes and then is like 🤷🏽‍♂️ "i dunno maybe," if people ask him if hes not cis

Roach has people guess. Gender is a game to him and he wants them to guess wrong.

Wee John is just a big guy. Like he's a guy but he's not a man. He's just Wee John.

Ed is either technically cis but up for anything gender wise, or a somewhat binary trans man (who is also still up for anything). Either way he has fun and thinks swooshy dresses are pretty fucking epic.

Fang and Ivan both have tboy swag but don't care if ppl use other labels. They fuck around with clothing a lot.

Izzy is probably cis but because it's funny to me personally i'll say he's a binary trans man who hasn't worked through shit and holds onto gender norms so harshly and to such a toxic degree for himself and others that he ended up Like That.

[tundrainafrica]

hi, maybe you're tired about this kind of convie regarding hange's gender but i really need your opinion. is it that wrong if i consider hange as a she? istg i'm not anythingphobic, i'm just still stuck with female hange in anime. i stan aot since 2013 and felt just fine to open up about my preference in hange's gender but lately, considering hange as a she is like the most sinful thing in the whole planet and even being attacked and i don't know what to feel about it. 😩

Thank you for the ask anon! 

Lmao, I am tired of this discourse but I’ve kinda accepted that it’s never gonna end really so I’m still happy to give you my opinion about this again. 

I have written about it here.

Before I go into this long ramble again I’d like to clarify some terms which tend to pepper the discourse of gender, sexuality etc etc etc. 

Biological Sex: What genitalia where you born with? Either born male, female or with both genitalia. 

Gender: What do you identify as? CIS, Trans, Nonbinary etc.

Sexuality: Who are you attracted to? Homosexual, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Asexual, Pansexual etc. 

Gender roles: Where do you fall on the gradient? Feminine, Masculine etc. 

And the point of this is, the discourse on gender is soooo complicated. Like very complicated because Hange being interpreted as NB to some people only covers the question of gender. Like these do not cover every other facet of the gender sexuality discourse. 

Because everything up there is ‘mutually exclusive’ to a degree because everyone is so complex. Like you can take a random option in each of those, fit it together in our heads and you would still come up with a realistic person. Because that is how complex human beings are. I have friends who decided to get a boyfriend, realized they were trans, transitioned to male but had both boyfriends and girlfriends. I have a butch lesbian friend who dated a few guys then decided to date girls then decided to transition. You have me who literally tried everything on the sexuality spectrum, crushed on a few girls in high school, crushed on a few more girls in college, thought I was asexual for a while, fell in love with a guy and realized I love dick. 

You can actually have a biological male who identifies as nonbinary but is bisexual  but has feminine tendencies. 

And that’s why even I find it so confusing to address the issue of non binary Hange vs female Hange. Because they are not even in the same bracket. Like we can have a non binary female feminine bisexual Hange all at the same time if you think about it. 

If you have read all my fics and all of my meta about Hange, you would see that I refer to her as a ‘she,’ but at the same time, I do not portray Hange as overly feminine. I headcanon that Hange has tried dating women and I also head canon that Hange has female genitalia (yo, I write preggo Hange fics). She actually falls somewhere in the middle. And what makes the gender part so hard to consider is because usually whether someone decides to identify as CIS, NB or Trans is up to the person. 

And there are just so many other hcs I want to tackle as a fanfiction writer and as a Hange stan beyond her gender and that’s why I don’t really headcanon the whole discovery part because even as a kid, I have never been so particular about my gender. I know I’m a biologically a woman, I have feminine and masculine tendencies. I have loved both men and women. but gender just seemed like just a decision which I just didn’t want to think too hard about.

I mean where I live, my first language doesn’t have gender pronouns so I can avoid the whole discourse altogether by just using Tagalog. I’m the type of person who will just have this person think I’m a man all the way until they meet me because I just wanna get things done and I feel no need to correct people. My first crushes were all women, despite my being a woman and the first people I have ever loved were women and I didn’t want to decide whether I was bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual etc. yet because even teenage me just found it way too complex and too final and just went around saying I liked this girl or I liked this guy and generally because I’m that type of person, I don’t spend a lot of my time thinking about gender even in a fandom space unless somebody asks.   

And does it make me homophobic/LGBT-phobic etc etc for deciding to use ‘she’ and deciding to tackle questions about Hange beyond her gender? No. Like this conclusion is inherently flawed. I was hella gay for a huge point in my life. 99% of my crushes were women. Then there was this period where I didn’t enjoy romance The only guy irl I have ever crushed on is my current boyfriend. But even when I explored my own gender, sexuality, it was always an ‘in the back of my mind’ thing. I didn’t have huge personal metas about what exactly my gender was or where exactly I fall or what pronouns I prefer.

And nobody is obliged to look so deep into this discourse. The important thing is in real life, we respect people’s pronouns, we respect the names they want to go by and we respect people’s preferences (as long as they aren’t dangerously criminal.)

And the thing is, this isn’t even real life. This is a fandom space. And in a fandom space, everyone is literally interpreting characters however they want. We have people literally pairing off Levi with both men and women and technically we’re assuming Levi’s gender, sexuality etc. Sure it might diverge from canon but does that make our headcanon any less than the others? Like Levi’s sexuality has never been confirmed and technically we’re all just assuming what kind of person Levi would have wanted to fuck right? Like every yaoi pairing, every ship is just fans assuming someones gender, assuming someone’s sexuality. 

And sure people could argue, ‘Yams’ didn’t confirm her gender. But Yam’s didn’t confirm anyone’s sexuality either but here we are pairing Mikasa off with Annie then pairing Mikasa off with Eren. Like same energy with ships, are there ships which are inherently superior to others? And technically, I could headcanon Levi as a woman if I wanted to and no one could stop me. I mean sure let’s celebrate that some of our headcanon and preferences have been acknowledged but what battle are we trying to win here really. 

To answer your question, it is not wrong. Having any opinion and having whatever headcanon you have about any fandom in this space is not wrong.

Sure, Hange is a comfort character to many people for various reasons. Hange is a comfort character for me but Hange is not any single person’s comfort character. Hange is a gift to us by Yams to interpret and play with however we want. Hell, every other character we’ve ever grown to love was a gift to all of us by the author. And we can choose to hc them however we want. That is the magic of fandoms.

If I wanted to, I could make some eruri and ereri mpreg fics for the kicks, I could interpret Levi as every single gender, sexuality on the spectrum and it would be just as valid. I mean I won’t because I don’t jive with those headcanons or those types of ships but I would respect people who have those types of preferences.

This space is free for everyone. We can choose what we want to consume and we can choose how we want to interpret characters. 

The only responsibility we have as fans is to use the right warnings when we post shit and to respect everybody else’s preferences. 

What I would consider ‘sinful’ is just dropping some unnecessary hate into a place which is supposed to be our safe space or pushing an agenda or an opinion and being hateful about it in the process. Like sure, spread your agenda, spread your opinions and your headcanons but please be nice about it.

We’re all just sad people trying to survive in this crapsack world.

[neurodiversenerd]

I'm A Nonbinary Girl.

Tw: mention of transphobia and depression

Hey guys, obligatory coming out post for wrath month.

I want to be honest with all of you and say I'm a nonbinary girl.

I'm autistic, so I already feel some disconnect with my assigned sex because a lot of gender is social. Most of you already know that sense of gender is internal, so it would make sense that I'd feel this way when my brain is already non normative. A lot of autistic AFAB people like myself have shared similar feelings in their testimonies in the book Aspergirls by Rudy Simone.

I'm not sure if I always felt nonbinary. When I was really young, I loved being a girl. I wanted to be a princess and wear only dresses, and I didn't mind fitting into that box. For a while, I never thought about my gender. I was just a girl. 

When I was 12, I realized that I liked girls. I had been bullied when I was younger, before I came out, because people perceived me as queer. I was terrified. I'd only recently learned that being gay was acceptable and not something to be feared, and I didn't know how to think of myself. My whole life I'd fit into gender norms and now I was the one thing girls weren't supposed to be.

I learned more about queer culture, about how people perceived women who love other women, and the summer before seventh grade I made a choice. I chopped off my hair and went into school with a pixie cut. Being seen as queer was my choice this time.

And I realized that I loved being seen this way. I loved being androgynous yet still feminine. I loved looking pretty but looking butchy too. It was the first real time I'd stepped out of gender norms.

In eighth grade and late seventh grade, I learned about nonbinary genders. I had never thought before that it was possible to have multiple genders, have none, or maybe even have one in between or even completely outside boy or girl. I met out nonbinary people there and unlearned a lot of really toxic and transphobic myths. 

At first, I didn't really think their labels applied to me. But when I tried to picture my gender identity at the end of the year, if only out of curiosity, I saw it as a rectangle filled with mostly pink with a little purple on the bottom. A girl, but not quite. 

That summer, my parents signed me up for a music camp. It wasn't just an ordinary music camp. It was specifically for girls and gender nonconforming people, and we learned how to play rock music in assigned bands. On the first day, we got lanyards with our name on it, and the leaders of the camp told us we had to choose pronoun buttons. 

i don't know why, but I panicked. What was I supposed to pick? I felt uncomfortable using just she, but felt like a faker if I chose they. I ended up getting both buttons. It felt right for a few days until I turned it back into the staff when it stopped feeling right.

But that should've been the end of it. 

i still had feelings that I was mostly a girl, but not quite. On occasions, I would see myself as fully female. I would be okay with only she, and knowing I was a woman. On other days, I felt more androgynous. 

In ninth grade, the feelings kicked in again. This time, I had real dysphoria for the first time. During the first semester I tried to make my voice sound deeper and I wore clothes that made my chest less obvious. I didn't like my curves, or my femininity. I tied my hair up in hopes that I would look more masculine.

i thought for a while I might be a trans boy or genderfluid. Sometimes, being a girl was alright. But others, I couldn't stand it. Even then, I got those feelings. You know the ones. Almost a girl. But not exactly. 

During winter break that year, I was really depressed. I wanted so badly not to be a girl anymore, but I didn't come out or commit to a label because I worried that I was faking. That I was only doing harm to actual trans and nonbinary people. That I was being cringy and that I was a girl looking for attention by feigning being trans.

My dysphoria faded, but when kids at my school asked for my pronouns I told them any would work. Sometimes my dysphoria would come back. Later that year, I realized I liked the label genderfluid best, and began to love my masculinity and my femininity. Strangely enough, I felt that I almost became more feminine because I hadn't really embraced that in a long time. On my masculine days, sometimes wearing a dress gave me the best feeling.

I came out to a couple friends, and began to look at more genderfluid pride posts. At the local queer pride dance, I made a button for myself. The genderfluid pride flag was the pattern. 

At that dance, I encountered a demigirl. I'd met them before at a different event. They wore dresses and had long hair, but they used gender neutral pronouns. I liked the idea of that. Being femne, but not necessarily female.

I never did come out as genderfluid to more than a few people. Over the summer, before tenth grade, I decided again that being a girl was fine. I was cis, I told myself. 

But someone in my family came out, or attempted to come out, as nonbinary. This person was not me. Some of my family reacted pretty badly, and told them not to use labels and that they were really cis and looking for attention. They thought nonbinary people were special snowflakes who just wanted to be better than everybody.They thought the whole concept of a third gender was too far.  

I got really depressed again. I told myself that since I'd introduced that person to the possibility, it was my fault they were nonbinary and that it was my fault they had dysphoria. I should've been mad at some of my family members for being transphobic instead.

 I got through it, and the start of the second semester was a lot better. A few months later, I started using they/them pronouns. I liked it. It felt right. I only really stopped because I got insecure, and the whole faking worry came back. Apparently I seemed pretty androgynous, because some boy called me an it on the bus. I told him I was a girl, but to be honest, I didn't mind.

At the end of the year, I was pretty much sure of what label I would use. Nonbinary girl. I'd first heard of it when Rebecca Sugar came out, and I was surprised that was something you could identify as. 

i chose the label I did because I feel that I am a girl, but mostly. Like I'm a woman and another identity at once. My nonbinary identity is less pronounced than my feminine one but it's definitely there. You could probably call me bigender if you wanted to. There are times I fully feel like a cis woman, but most of the time nonbinary girl fits. I guess that technically makes me fluid or flux. I don't want too many labels, though, so nonbinary girl is fine. I don't like being called just nonbinary because femininity is still a core part of me.

I'm now 16 and headed to my junior year of high school. I don't plan on coming out to my family, but I will switch my pronouns from just she to both she and they. 

I am a nonbinary girl. I am a lesbian. 

This might change later, or I might decide I don't like to identify like this anymore. But this is who I feel that I am. I've spent so long feeling guilty, worrying that I was a trender, and being anxious about which label that I ignored my truth.

It's taken years to find, but here it is. 

I'm a Nonbinary Girl. 

[tooangrymustinternet]

For my cisgender friends, followers, and allies:

This is a long post. It's long because what I need you all to understand is complicated and nuanced, so it cannot be summarized in a short post if I want you to actually understand. Please bear with me, and please read the whole thing if you can, as I will consider that an act of love, allyship, and/or community. (Skip the glossary if you don't need it of course.) ____________________ Glossary of Terms in this Post

♡ Binarism (noun) - This is a specific form of sexism and transphobia that elevates binary genders (men and women) above all others. As of this posting, binarism is currently so pervasive that most people don't realize they are participating in it.

♡ Binary [genders] (adj) - This term refers to men and to women, regardless of cis or trans.

♡ Cis/Cisgender (adj) - Cis is a shortening of cisgender (sometimes written as cis gender). Cisgender people are people whose gender identity, sex assigned at birth, gender presentation, and chosen/performed gender role all line up in one neat little package. Mainstream western culture likes to pretend that all people are cisgender.

♡ Nonbinary (adj) - This term refers to the entire category of people who are not strictly 100% men or 100% women. Sometimes it refers to people who are somewhere between the two; sometimes it refers to people who are totally off of that spectrum and have genders entirely separate from it; there are a lot of possibilities, but the bottom line is that this is a category of genders which intersects with the word "transgender" like a Venn diagram.

♡ Segender (adj) - This term refers to someone whose gender is not recognized within their own culture. It is not a specific gender, but rather describes the state of a person's gender just like "cisgender" and "transgender" are not specific genders. In Western cultures, many people of nonbinary genders are segender. Other cultures are more likely to recognize one or more nonbinary gender.

♡ Sexism (noun) - prejudice, stereotyping, and/or discrimination in thought or action, on the basis of either sex or gender. Sexism is, as most people reading this know, highly pervasive. Our society is actively working to correct this.

♡ Trans/Transgender (adj) - Trans is a shortening of transgender (sometimes written as trans gender). Transgender people are people whose gender identities do not match the gender assigned to them at birth. This is a loose term; there are people who technically fit this definition but do not identify as cis or trans.

♡ Transphobia (noun) - a form of sexism which raises cis people and/or harms trans people. Transphobia is pervasive, but as of this posting, it is finally being talked about a lot more so things finally have a chance to start getting better. ____________________ PART ONE: Pervasiveness of Binarism

Binarism is pervasive in our culture. The idea that everyone is either a man or a woman is simultaneously false, and something our culture has steeped itself in. From binary check boxes on dating apps and doctor intake forms, to binary restrooms, to phrases like "Ladies and gentlemen," or "boys and girls," the concept that other people exist too has been purged from our cultural collection of colloquialisms, constructs, and more.

This means that the number of segender genders here is pretty darn high. It also means that binarism is one of the most common forms of transphobia. And that, my dear friends and community members who have decided to read this essay, is the first main point I need you to understand or the rest of what I have to say in this won't make sense. Binarism is a specific form of erasure and bias related so strongly to transphobia and sexism that a lot of people refer to it as a subset of those things. It is the erasure of the existence of nonbinary people like me to the point of not being able to safely use dating apps or public restrooms because they don't exist for us. And that's just the built environment; I haven't even begun to touch on being treated with respect by the people we interact with, in a culture where strangers will almost certainly never get our genders right.

Right now, as I write this, I can't handle talking about how afraid I am of gender-based violence and murder or the very real reasons I have for those fears, so I am going to skip that part.

I don't think I know how to describe the sheer depth and breadth of binarism people like me deal with on a daily basis, so I ask that you consider that it is similar to any other form of sexism in that it happens All The Time. Every time I want to use the bathroom at work, I have to walk to a different building because the restrooms are segregated and none of the ones for people like me are available in my building. Exactly once in my life, a stranger assumed the correct gender for me. The rest of the time, it's a day-long mix of Sirs and Ma'ams from well-meaning people who I know are trying to be polite despite their massive failures at it. There's a lot more, but I want to move on to my next point. Just know that binarism hurts me and others like me several times per day. That's just life for people like me in western cultures. Sucks to be segender in that sense. ____________________ PART TWO: On Being Silent

I work 2 jobs, both in academia. I commute with a mixture of car, bus, train, and walking on most days. This means I run into a lot of people. Almost every time I do, gender comes up in a bad way due to the pervasive nature of binarism. When this happens, I have a variety of choices.

Do I correct and educate the person? Do I stay silent? Do I just sort of laugh and make a joke about it in what is often a vain hope that they'll realize it's actually a softened callout? The answer varies dramatically in terms of the situation, my mood, and my energy level.

I often stay silent with these one on one encounters simply because I don't have the energy to deal with it. Yet, every time I do that, I find myself kicking myself for it mentally for hours after the encounter. Why? I have had some variation of this conversation countless times:

Me: **attempts to educate**

Person: "My friend is trans and I said this in front of them, and they didn't mind, so I don't get what your problem is."

Me: "Your trans friend said this was okay?"

Person: "No, but they didn't say anything, so they don't have a problem with it."

Trans people often say nothing. Some of us have these education conversations several times per day, some of us opt to never have them. Different people find different things stressful, so some trans or nonbinary people are more likely to ask strangers to change transphobic or binarist behavior than people they know well, while others are more likely to have that conversation with friends than with strangers. But in just about all cases, it takes energy. That energy is not always there, and it's not uncommon for someone to have already reached their quota for these kinds of conversations for the day before you do or say something transphobic or binarist in front of them without even realizing it.

Someone staying silent in front of you does not mean that what you did is acceptable. ____________________ PART THREE: On Speaking Up

Everyone is different, but I know that for me, I'm far more likely to speak up in a group setting than I am in a one on one setting. This is for a variety reasons that go well beyond the simple fact that it is also simply less frightening and stressful to me personally. These other reasons culminate in the end result of a lot less work for myself and others like me.

If someone does something transphobic or binarist and I stay silent, as I have shown above, I know they will think that I think their action is just fine and may even use my silence to justify their actions to others when called out later on the same thing. This is (obviously) damaging to the entire goal of reducing the ambient levels of transphobia and binarism, but it becomes far more so when this happens in a group setting. An entire group relearns the wrong cultural lesson when transphobia and binarism go unchecked. Instead, I say something, and that way the entire group can learn together. Because it is absolutely a learning process.

This goes well in spaces where accountability and intentional reduction of social harms is part of the norm. In these spaces, things like "hey that was kinda racist," or "could you change this so it is not transphobic" are met with thanks for the opportunity to self-correct, discussion for the sake of learning, and apologies. These discussions allow everyone in the group to learn the same lesson together and support each other in this learning process. I like this because it allows me to learn from others' mistakes as well as my own instead of continuing to make the same mistakes over and over again. I also like this because it's a LOT more efficient at reducing those ambient levels of transphobia and binarism I was talking about than talking to one person at a time.

I keep having the same exact education conversations over and over again on a nearly daily basis, so I am absolutely certain that these group conversations help a lot more people learn the same lesson than me putting the same amount of energy into a private conversation and only helping one person learn how to stop being an accidental asshole. Besides, then I can stop watching the faces of the other trans people in any given group fall in marginalized silence. It breaks my heart to watch that.

But anyway, this only works in these groups where people want to do better and care more about accountability in terms of how their actions impact others than they do about appearing to be perfect. In other spaces, it causes a shit show. ____________________ PART FOUR: My Request

So, if you have made it this far, you finally have the context for what I request:

If I or someone else lets you know that something you did or said was transphobic or binarist and asks you to make a change, please keep in mind that speaking up at all is often a fearful thing for us. We are afraid of physical and verbal violence, of losing social capital, of being told we are being dramatic or otherwise not being taken seriously, of losing your friendship, and more. If we thought you didn't want to learn or do better, we wouldn't bother. In that sense, it's a compliment, even though it feels uncomfortable if you aren't accustomed to accountability culture (and sometimes even then). Those of us who are accustomed to accountability-oriented spaces can forget that this isn't the assumption a lot of people have.

Take feedback to heart, and if the conversation starts publicly and you're able to keep it there, please do so as an act of allyship. Transparency and accountability are acts of allyship when it comes to these things because they become agents of cultural shift.

Thanks for reading my essay, I hope it makes sense. Again, questions are welcome in the comments.

[neonstatic]

(transcripted convo)

i’m reposting a discussion i had w a terf. i previously posted screenshots but she messaged me and said she didn’t want her url or avatar displayed. editing the pics to post them again was hell so i’m posting a script instead (i learned my lesson tumblr: you suck). if anyone ends up finding the convo and thus the redacted speaker... idc. this is a public website and we technically had this convo in public - the notes of a post aren’t private spaces afaik. i’m posting this as proof that sometimes calmly reasoning with ppl lead to nothing. (i know anyone could say the same but lmao leave me alone.)

tw for transphobia/transmisogyny 

[redacted] (speaking to a transmasc discourser about the "woman path"): Ok let me explain what I mean :) if your experience was totally different then thats fine :) im 24 and when I was little i was encouraged to play with dolls and learn 'motherly things' like playing with baby dolls while my brother played with toy trucks. There was a lot of pressure at school to wear dresses, and be sweet and polite. @[transmasc discourser] then of course, learning to deal with periods and the shame and taboo around them. Removing body hair because its considered unladylike. Etc

@[transmasc discourser] have you had none of those experiences?

neonbaebae: these are all common experiences for women bc of gender roles/stereotypes but none of that defines womanhood as an identity.

[redacted]: completely agree they are gender roles. But menstruation isnt a gender role. Its a frustrating part of being female. But that said, what IS womanhood then?

(rest under cut)

neonbaebae: menstruation is a biological function that is in no way exclusive to female bodies. remember intersex ppl, who come in all forms and shapes. women aren't all the same and it's likewise for men. there are intersex women who don't fit all the criteria for being "female" yet still identify as women. there is a distinction to make between womanhood as an experience and womanhood as an identity.

the woman experience is what you've described. the woman identity is feeling like one, e.g.: liking female-coded clothes, makeup, hairstyles, feeling comfortable in the societal role of being a woman. identity is essentially abt self perception most of the time

[redacted]: intersex is unique and I respect that not all womens bodies are the same. Intersexuality is complex but it doesnt represent the majority of biological women. I dont have a strong baclground in intersex knowledge so I'm certainly not gonna speak on behalf of intersex women. so if identity is self perception (which I completely agree with) how can a biological man self perceive his femaleness.if he's never experienced it?

neonbaebae: trans women never identify with being male and all in entails. and they can see, thru watching women counterparts and how they interact with the world around them, that they id more w the idea of womanhood and much less w the idea of manhood. it's esp why dysphoria often settles around puberty bc the dissonance manifests physically and that's harder to handle

[redacted]: but what youre talking about is what trans women see women do.  If thats what someone aspires to, its a very basic and narrow understanding of  what womanhood is. Its only what they see. And people are far more complex than this. Does a biological male aspire to periods stigma, beauty conformity and lesser social stance in the world? Or do they aspire to femininity? Something many biological women dont feel comfortable with

neonbaebae: womanhood as an identity is a feeling that is strengthened by a disconnection to manhood, its polar opposite. someone who completely rejects the idea of being man is likely to prefer being a woman (not always but likely!). many trans women do aspire to femininity and it has nothing to do with the cis women who are uncomfortable w it, just like there are many cis women who embrace it too.

many trans women cannot quite explain their transition in another way than "being a man felt wrong but being a woman feels right and authentic to my true self". i'd suggest to ask an actual trans woman for her pov tho since i'm not one, i'm just basing myself on what i've heard them say

[redacted]: but feeling disconnected with manhood (which is understandable and gender roles are frustrating) doesnt make someone the opposite of a man. As society we need to open our understanding of gender expression. But this isnt the same as thinking 'if I dont feel like a conventional man or connect with male social expectations, then I must be the opposite'. Theres no logic in that

we live in a world where gender stereotype binaries are considered natural, and people who dont fit this understandably feel marginalised. In fact Id argue to a greater or lesser degree, none of us truly fit the prescribed gender binary.

but i find it problematic when a man thinks they're a woman based on what they think 'woman' is.

neonbaebae: you're right in saying that a disconnection from manhood doesn't make someone a woman - a connection to womanhood does. it has v little to do with the upbringing of women which you seem to define thru misogyny and menstruation alone which is frankly a pessimistic view of womanhood. it's less not feeling like a conventional man and more not feeling like a man At All. tru it doesn't sound logical but gender is not logical it's abstract and complex

it seems problematic bc one might think men would gain smth from iding as women but stats show that trans women are at higher risk of assault for being out and open, both of bc of misogyny (not directly related to having a vagina or menstruating after all) & transphobia. it's esp telling that trans men aren't targeted as much. do you disagree w trans men as well?

[redacted]: but as a women i dont connect with womanhood. Lol i am a women. It would be nice to think we live in a world where women are equal, but that's not the world we live in. Womanhood is hard. And we do live under a patriarchal society that's cultivated female inferiority over many centuries. We're still negotiating freedoms today.

Its not about gaining or loss. Its about the male right to self define womanhood on their terms, without the biological or social conditioning. In fact, many have recieved MALE conditioning as children. This comes with its own privileges.

I think transmale is a very different experience so no I categorise them very differently to transwomen

neonbaebae: "as a woman" you say. even if the experiences and stereotypes don't fit you perfectly, even if you reject it, you still id as a woman. you feel like one and you suffer the consequences of being one. believe it or not trans women suffer from iding as a woman as well and thrice as harshly. i can provide sources if you want.

trans women don't think like men bc they feel like women. the thought patterns are different. they don't digest the social messages abt men bc their mind doesn't relate to it. male entitlement and all doesn't apply to them. and in sociology alone womanhood is often defined as more than a biological or upbringing thing. it's a social identity and trans women have a right to it if they don't id and reject manhood altogether

my question tho was do you think trans men aren't men either cus otherwise that'd be hypocritical

[redacted]: my point is its not an identity. Its a reality. Im a woman. I have xx chromosomes and the world treats me as such. Similar to my race. I dont identify as my race, i am treated as the world sees me.

male entitlement does apply. Statistically baby boys are fed for longer than baby girls. And little girls are left to cry for longer than baby boys. Little girls learn many motherly caretaker roles while many of their male counterparts are encouraged to conquer the world. Children are raised by gender. Even subconsciously. I can also provide sources :)

there are many more male leaders and men in authoritive positions in the world. Women fight very hard for the same respect, but womens voices are less valued. It takes no genius to see men have greater standing in the world

about transmen. No I dont consider them men but I'll respectfully use the pronouns anyone prefers, male or female. Its common decency.

I think society needs to get more comfortable with non confirmative gender expression

neonboobear: but it is an identity. that's why there's a distinction between sex (bio) and gender (identity & expression). if it would feel wrong for you to be called a man or nonbinary then that'd be bc you don't id as such. (also there are women with chromosomes other than xx maybe you should avoid phrasing it that way.) i id as my race but race has v different roots & impact than gender historically and it cannot be compared. let's stick with gender.

and i'm not denying gendered socialization but it doesn't shape a child more than their personal feelings on their identity, which can differ v early in life bc (some) would rather engage in activities associated with the opposite gender for example. if it were that simple trans ppl wouldn't go at lengths to "play the part"

you're right society does need to accept gender non conformance but that's v different from the trans experience. i rly think you should have a deep conversation with a trans person to try and see their pov

[redacted]: if womanhood is an identity, it totally invalidates what it means to be female. And yes its arguable that there're are women who arent xx but how about the majority of the population that are. Must we pander to the few at the expense of the majority? also what makes you assume I dont talk to trans people? Critique doesnt mean lack of empathy.

Children and gendered socialization is complex. Maybe if 'feminine' activities werent coded as female and just 'childhood play' we wouldnt have the same degree of dysphoria. It goes back to the irrational logic, 'if I like the pink toy section then I must be a girl.'

neonboobear: i'm afraid that is your pov for the ideology that womanhood is an experience but also an identity is considered a v valid theory in the science field. the fact that there are women with chromosomes other than xx is proof alone that xx chromosomes aren't what makes a woman. and i've suggested a deep conversation and an intention to Understand the Other. not just a talk. i said nothing abt empathy.

there would be less dysphoria but i'm sure it's still be there. many think the abolition of gender would solve everything but i doubt so

[redacted]: i have a close mtf friend and we have the debate constantly. We don't always agree with her but there's a lot more common ground then you might expect :) Gender roles damn us all. Hmmmm... abolition of gender is impossible but theres is a lot that can be done to challenge gender expectations. But not an easy battle! neonbaebae: i mean this with the least offense okay but i sincerely think neither of you should be friends. i’m black and i’d never befriend a racist. that’s a lack of self respect on her part and a plain lack of respect on yours. 

i’d like to end this conversation here. i’ve said my point and i’d only repeat myself by continuing. and since i’m not a trans woman i don’t want to misinterpret them (so sorry if i’ve already did. trans girls feel free to bring up clarifications). might sound tedious but i strongly suggest you watch this 50-min long video essay by youtuber contrapoints. her vids are informative and entertaining and so v easy to digest despite the length. i’ve heard she’s not v liked in terf circles but it’s worth it to listen to what she has to say as a trans women.

[savofid]

So, I was reminded of this while watching a video just a few minutes ago.

CW: murder, manipulation of a minor, presumed statutory rape. For clarification, I did not participate in these things. The person I'm about to describe did them.

Many years ago, there was a guy I knew while I was in the military. He was a funny and rather well liked guy by most of my friend group, but I didn't really trust him. Something felt, I dunno, off about him? Like he gave off these vibes of "don't get too close." I trusted my gut and kept him at a distance.

One night, while he was drinking underage, he was caught by an NCO, who just sat down with him to talk. He didn't want to get the guy in trouble, just really wanted to hammer down the problem and help him see the error of his ways... And then the guy pulls a knife on him. Still, despite having a knife pulled on him and being clearly threatened, the NCO remains calm and defuses the situation. I kept an even greater distance after that.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm at my first duty station. My soon to be boss calls me over and asks if I know [that guy].

"Yeah, I knew him. Didn't really try to know him well. Dude sorta gave off bad vibes to me. Why do you ask? Is he okay?"

"Well, he's in prison."

"Oh, man. What did he do?"

"He, uh... He murdered a woman because she didn't approve of him dating her daughter."

"Well, that's a bit extreme, don't you think?"

"Well, it gets worse." She pulls up the article and scrolls down. "So, not only did he murder a woman, but the girl he was dating? She was 15."

"Holy shit."

"Yeah, and then he coerced her into helping him get rid of the body. It was her brother who called the police about it."

"Jesus, that's messed up."

"Look how fucking smug he is in this photo. Dude just murdered a woman in cold blood cause she, sensibly, didn't approve of a 21 year old guy dating her 15 year old daughter."

[That guy] had this smirk on his face that just screamed "I'd do it again."

Once I got off work, I texted an old drinking buddy of mine who was close friends with him before he got out of the Army.

"Hey, [that guy] is in prison for murder."

"Lemme guess... He stabbed someone?"

"Yep. Stabbed the mother of his girlfriend cause she didn't approve of their relationship. To be honest, I don't blame her. The girl was 15."

"Man, I knew he was fucked up, but not to this level. Shit..."

To anyone that might read this: Trust your gut. If someone is giving off that set of vibes that tell you to stay away, do it.

On a somewhat related subject, that being sorta reading people, I'm pretty good at it in general. Doesn't even need to be in person. In a Twitch channel that I moderate, there was this guy that was just an asshole to everyone, particularly in the realm of music taste. We all knew he was gay, he was quite vocal on the subject, but that didn't matter to us. That particular channel is home to folks of all sorts of sexualities and gender identities. We're a pretty inclusive bunch.

Anyways, I quite liked him. He was an asshole, sure, but it's always nice to see a familiar face. Well, one day, he took it a bit too far, enough to almost completely piss me off. This was during the days of being able to have music playing during a stream, so one of the other regulars requested some stuff they liked. The asshole guy just chewed into him for it, saying that it sounded like "a group of people trying and failing to sound indie with this poppy bullshit."

What I wanted to do was go full psychoanalysis on him and basically publicly tear down any leg he had to stand on with his music taste being, somehow, superior to someone else's. My thoughts at the time were:

The reason your particular taste of music is so important to you is because it was introduced to you by the first person you fell in love with. You have to feign this sense of superiority about it because you still love them, even after they left you. I assume there was a decent age gap between the two of you, which is why you, being older than most folks here, press so firmly about your taste in music because now you're in the seat they were in when it was first introduced to you. Not only is that person important to you because they were the first you fell in love with and likely the first partner you ever had, but also because they were the first person who really let you be yourself. I think your parents didn't accept you, likely forcing you out on your own before you were even close to ready, which explains why you're so cold to everyone else. Anyone that doesn't let you be yourself immediately brings you back to your parents and fills you with anger. This person likely took you in and became more than just a surrogate parent, but, like I said, someone you truly loved. They were the one who broke up with you, not the other way around, otherwise the idea of that music would never be so important to you. It reminds you not only of when you were able to always be yourself and be accepted, but loved for who you were.

Now, I never sent it. I wanted to, believe me, I did. However, I felt it was too cruel to basically dissect someone with a live audience, mostly populated by people who didn't like him in the first place. However, one night several months later, chat got into quite a deep discussion, and he participated in that. Not in a joking way, but a rather serious manner. Everything I assumed about him was correct, and it kinda broke my heart a bit because I probably would've destroyed him emotionally with that. Sure, I was right, but the fact that I was right that he went through such trauma at a young age just because of who he loved by the very people who should be supporting him hurt me so much.

My parents don't know I'm bi. They'll likely never know. The nail in that coffin was when I came home after having my makeup done by a friend just for fun and my mom said, "You better clean that off your face before your dad gets home, or he's gonna call you a f*****." It nearly floored me then, and I thought I was completely straight. I will say: trying to get eyeliner off without makeup removal pads is a nightmare. The eye shadow, lip gloss, and lip liner came off just fine with a damp towel, but I rubbed my eyelids raw trying to get that eyeliner off before he got home.

All things considered, I looked damned good. Well, the eyeshadow wasn't my color, being purple and silver. Would've been better with maybe a maroon and black to help contrast my very pale skin and make my hazel eyes pop that much more. But enough about that.

Just kidding. See, if you read about those gender identity dreams I've been having, you'll probably notice that I have no idea what I am. Born a male, sure, but am I? Not saying I'm trans, cause I don't think it would make any sort of difference for me. In fact, a recent dream on the subject tells me that it wouldn't make any difference at all.

But, for once in my life, I can say that I don't know enough about the spectrum of gender identity to even know where to place myself. A few friends say nonbinary, but it just doesn't, I dunno, click with me, for lack of a better term. It just doesn't feel like me. Neither does gender fluid. I don't feel like one or the other depending on external factors. I don't know what I am.

However, much like the advice I give to friends who are trying to find their identity, I'm not looking for someone to just show up and tell me, "Oh, you're [this]." No one can tell you who you are because no other person knows what's in your mind but you. As such, that identity has to be found on your own. Like, I say I'm bi to help people understand the ballpark I'm in, but I'm really in between heteroflexible and bi, but, technically, both of those aren't even accurate. I don't have any particular preferences for women but I'm both demisexual and pansexual when it comes to men. I require a strong emotional connection with one and it's only with very select individuals. Out of all the people I've been attracted to, only 3 of them identify as men, those being a guy I lived across the hall from when I got to my first duty station (who I had known for years prior, as I was their mailman), a buddy of mine in Florida (whose wife said he's got "sexual magic" that makes nearly anyone he meets instantly want to sleep with him. I can't say he doesn't, cause I was totally game), and my best friend.

The only reason my roommate and I aren't sleeping together is because both of us are tops. We discussed it at length and decided that it just wouldn't work on that alone, which is completely fair. Pretty hard to have a game of baseball when everyone's pitching.

Well, that got off topic quick. I'll end this before I continue rambling, AKA I'll just ramble in another post.

[mercurialsmile]

Any tips on writing nonbinary characters? Like, any 'do's and 'don't's? I really wanna get it right, so I thought I'd ask someone who actually identifies as nonbinary :)

Any tips on writing nonbinary/trans characters?

I got two asks for this (maybe from the same person?) and it’s taken me some time to write an answer since this is such a broad... question. 

Thing is, nonbinary is both a gender in and of itself but also kinda an umbrella term? Since you also have people who are agender, bigender, genderfluid, etc. who would also technically fall under the umbrella, but don’t call themselves nonbinary since that’s not the label they want, and since the latter labels are a lot more... specific. 

Non-binary simply means that someone identifies as a gender outside the binary of man and woman and that’s it. 

There’s also the fact that I’m pretty sure I have some opinions other nonbinary people wouldn’t agree with (for example, I dislike neopronouns. Xir/Xe and Zie/Zir are the only ones that’s pronounceable to me. And I straight up dislike nounself pronouns and actively avoid people who only use nounself pronouns since to me, they are. Too hard and complicated to use. I remember reading a really good post on why nounself pronouns are linguistically incorrect in English and how to properly format them to be correct, but I dunno where that post is now) which is also why I have been hesitant about this.

Also it’s a complex... hmm thing. So yeah.

I think the first thing to ALWAYS remember when writing a minority character is that their status as a minority is not their only trait. Don’t use cliches. Don’t make them one-dimensional and make an enby’s entire personality revolving around the fact they’re enby. It’s othering, at least to me, and just plain bad writing. 

Another thing is, even tho I wish there were more books out there about being enby (are there any really out there at all?) for the most part I think cis authors should be careful and kinda tread around writing about an enby’s life and being enby. Unless you have done a shit ton of research, know exactly what you’re doing, and have talked to multiple different enbys (and not just over text either), I would merely have the character. Be there.

1) it’s a lot easier who wants to do all that research?? 

2) still counts as rep (as long as it’s positive)

So how do you write (possibly?) positive rep for a enby character? Let’s go back to pronouns. The most versatile and acceptable pronouns for enby people is they/them tbh. It’s completely gender-neutral. There are enby people who use gendered pronouns as well (She/her, he/him, maybe they use all three!) but writing-wise, it would be easiest to keep to one set of pronouns to make the writing easier to read. I dunno about anyone else, but I for sure would get tripped up and confused if a character’s pronouns change throughout a book. (Maybe it can be written well idk but I don’t think I’d like it personally sorry) so for the most part? I suggest just sticking with they/them. It’s the easiest to write. 

Also, I suggest to never call your enby characters “it”. Yes, some irl enbys like “it” as a pronoun, but to most it’s dehumanizing, so it’s best to avoid it I think. 

Interestingly enough, even tho they/them is the easiest to write with, it can also be a little tricky at times! Sometimes you’ll have to format sentences differently so readers can understand the difference between the singular and plural forms of they/them. Personally, it’s a fun writing exercise to me! So if anything, writing about an enby character can actually help stretch some different writing muscles so to speak. 

And speaking of pronouns, never ever have the narration misgender the character. Never. Hell, usually, I don’t even have characters or even the VILLAINS of my books misgender characters. And my reasoning behind this is: I dislike using transphobia/enbyphobia as a tool to show a villain is evil--their actions alone in the novel should be enough. And two: if even the evilest of villains aren’t transphobic... that says a lot to me. It speaks VOLUMES and is a lot more powerful of an (unsaid) statement then having your villains be transphobes. (but that’s just my opinion ofc!!) 

Now, to me, if you’re just writing about a enby side character, I would just have them. Be there. Not misgendered, everyone regarding them using the proper pronouns, and avoiding gendered language (which can be hard as it is hardwired into us without us even knowing, for instance!) so make sure you edit accordingly. 

Also, and I think this should be OBVIOUS by now, but PLEASE do not write a “forced coming out” scene. Like, where the cis character walks in on an enby character changing clothes or whatever. Like. That is. So over with and done. Ik that terrible trope fits trans men/women characters better, but I think it’s still important to say here, esp if you’re writing an enby character who tries to pass as the opposite of their birth gender or binds/stuffs/packs/etc at all. It’s uncomfortable, possibly triggering, and honestly? Super cliche. It’s bad writing, my friend. 

And whether or not you want to make the direct statement that they are an enby is kinda up to you? There’s arguments for and against it. If you can fit it into the story safely without making anything clunky, go for it! You can either have the character themselves tell someone how they identify, or maybe they’re being introduced and they ask the person they are introducing themselves to to use “they/them” since they are an enby. I’m sure there are other, more creative ways to do this, but yeah. This specific topic is super situational so I would have a sensitivity reader (or two!) to read over what you write to make sure it’s okay. 

Okay the last thing I’m gonna talk about is character description. Ignoring the fact I personally am terrible at it, there’s a kinda huge divide here. 

For one, a lot of authors and I think enby people in general don’t want others to know their birth gender, which is understandable. And with writing, there isn’t any visual clues besides what you write down. The world is your oyster, you can have your character look like anything, the reader won’t know the birth gender unless you use gendered language. 

The tricky thing is this, tho: the stereotypical enby person/character is someone who is skinny white and vaguely masculine. I, personally, despise this stereotype with my whole being. Imo, enby people can dress and look however they want. Clothes are just fabrics we put onto our flesh bodies. If girls can enjoy pants and boys can like dresses and skirts, then enbys can dress however they want to as well. That’s a freedom I think everyone should have. Clothes don’t dictate gender. Enby people also can’t control what they look like. Some people.. just won’t ever be able to pass as androgynous (unless they Really Work at it, like me!!) and it’s unfair to them I think as well. 

That being said, writing an enby with feminine clothing, for example, will probably have your reader think of them as DFAB, unfortunately, unless you are really careful.

Other things that can make your reader think of an enby’s birth gender: describing them having to wear a bra or having a period, describing if they have to shave their face or not or how much facial hair they grow, describing their genitalia AT ALL, describing them with certain face/body shapes, describing their hair length (possibly), if they wear a binder or stuff a bra or pack, describing if they wear makeup and the list can go on. 

Some people would think you should avoid this completely, which is why vaguely masculine is what people go for. it’s the typical androgynous look (which isn’t bad pe se and I don’t wanna insult anyone who looks like that!) but imo what would be more normalizing and important is to have enby characters look how they want, choose if they wanna wear a binder or not, if they wear makeup, and etc. 

Some people might thing the above is completely fine and that it’s important to show anyone can be enby and you’re still valid as an enby even if you might not “pass” for instance or don’t try your best to conceal certain secondary sex characteristics. Others might think you should make your enby characters as androgynous as possible, even in the stereotypical way. 

Which view is right? Dammed if I know, and I don’t think one is or not. But it is something to think about. I think the stereotypical response to a cis author would be to go with the safest option and allow enby authors write about enby characters breaking gender roles, but honestly, it is your character. Whether you make your enby character vaguely masculine to avoid those pitfalls or go balls to the walls and do whatever you want because enbys can dress and look how they want fuck you all is up to you. Do what you think your character would do and design them to match their personality. I don’t think people should be boxed into what sort of characters they are allowed to make. 

And don’t be afraid to make mistakes. It’s okay if you fuck something up by accident or are accidentally insensitive. And honestly? Groups of people aren’t a hivemind. No matter how good your representation is, there will be someone who disagrees with you and thinks you didn’t “write it correctly”

all I can say is: learn as much as you can, always strive to keep learning and listening, and do the best you can. You can’t succeed if you don’t try and you can’t learn without making a few mistakes along the way. 

(And as for trans characters... I myself am not a trans man/woman so idk how to best say what not to do, but I think it follows the same as above for the most part? I’d ask the opinion of a trans man or woman first rather than an enby like me, as even I have fucked up writing about my trans woman character in the past. I’ve learned a lot since then, but I think I am still learning and would rather not educate someone on a topic such as that. Also this post is already long and I am Tired of writing about this topic lol) 

I rambled a lot as usual and I am so so sorry. It’s late and this was SUCH a broad question I didn’t?? Really know how to answer so YEAH SORRY if this is no help at all!! I tried my best!!

[shmreduplication]

sometimes i'm not comfortable saying the word queer (i'm nb and gay), so i prefer nonbinary to describe my gender. is that ok?

friendo I think you’re misunderstanding my post (or I communicated poorly, which is a distinct possibility w/my adhd)

short answer: yes that’s ok

long answer: let me reiterate what happened and my issues w/it just so I’m super clear

a cis+het man was talking about his genderqueer friend but was not comfortable saying “queer” so he described her as genderqueer one time in the convo, and the rest of the time he said “gender non-conforming” instead of saying “genderqueer”

“gender non-conforming” does not describe gender, it describes gender EXPRESSION

so gnc is not a good substitute for genderqueer

nb is also not technically a gender, but it is an umbrella term for, uh, well, all the genders+other* that are not man or woman

genderqueer is one of the things under the nb umbrella

altho sometimes people use genderqueer as an umbrella too, or like they use it as an exact synonym for nb so???? it gets confusing

anyway, therefore I assume all genderqueer folks probably identify as nb

and I think nb is a better substitute for genderqueer

and there’s a general consensus that cishet folks shouldn’t say the word “queer”

so genderqueer people should tell their cishet friends about the nb umbrella

so that those cishet friends can use nb as a substitute for genderqueer

because nb is a more accurate substitution for genderqueer and lets those cishet friends not say “queer”

I guess the shortest summary of what I was saying was “tell people about nb so they can use that instead of using ‘genderqueer’ because a lot of people don’t want to say ‘queer’, and you were already doing that.  Why I was focused on cis/het people is because they’re less likely to know about nb as a term so if you only say ‘genderqueer’ to them then they won’t substitute w/’nb’.  

I also think it’s ok to identify as an umbrella term w/o picking a specific identity under that umbrella.  It’s a lot easier to know what you ARE NOT than it is to know WHAT YOU ARE (for example, I figured out I wasn’t a man w/in hours of figuring out I wasn’t a woman, but finding agender took way longer and tbh it fits better than other gender IDs I tried, but it doesn’t fit perfectly.  So as a result I ID’ed as nb for longer than I’ve ID’ed as agender) and I think that’s why you get so many people who know they’re not cis and/or straight and they ID as ‘queer’ (which is also an umbrella term) and sometimes they’re not driven to find an ID that describes what they are because they’re fine with just having an ID that describes what they are not. 

and you definitely don’t have to describe yourself w/words that make you uncomfortable

*ugh this sentence was so hard to phrase.  I don’t have a gender and I use the term ‘agender’ to describe that, and I think it falls under the nb umbrella so I don’t want to say that “nb genders fall under the nb umbrella” because that implies that ‘agender’ is a name of a gender when actually it’s the name of the LACK of gender.  So um yeah, I put agender/genderless in the nb catagory so I don’t want to say that the nb catagory has nb genders in it.  

[nothingman]

The following is a guest post by Jeff Lockhart. 

Two weeks ago, the LA Times ran an Op-Ed by Debra W. Soh on “The Futility of Gender-Neutral Parenting.” The central claim is old and fundamentally conservative: differences between men and women are biological truth, not to be meddled with by free will or society. Sex differences are facts to be accepted, not questioned or altered (two things feminists have always done). The op-ed circulated widely and was picked up by other outlets, including a New York Magazine piece titled “Yes, Biology Helps Explain Why Boys and Girls Play Differently.” Throw out your oatmeal baby room paint and desegregated toy isles.

Soh provides a number of common scientific claims to back this point. She mentions that babies exhibit gender-typical toy preferences at 18 months, before they exhibit awareness of their gender. This sounds like perfect proof: differences before babies are socialized into gender must be biological. Except babies are socialized into gender from birth, as shown in the famous 1975 “Baby X” study, which found adults offered different toys and described babies’ responses to the toys differently depending on whether they were told the child was a boy or girl (regardless of the child’s genitalia).

Soh also mentions the ‘masculine’ behavior of girls with a condition known as CAH. There are many problems with CAH research design as well. Biologist Anne Fausto-Sterling addresses many of them in an endnote that sprawls a stunning five pages in her 2000 book. Soh then cites findings that vervet monkeys, without human socialization, preferred toys appropriate to their sex. With some digging, we can find the original study. When the researchers found that female monkeys spent more time with the cooking pot toy than males, they took it as evidence of a biologically female attraction to toys humans code as feminine—never mind that the monkeys don’t understand cooking or its gendered implications. This choice left multiple scientific readers bewildered. The authors briefly mention a more compelling explanation—female monkeys are known to be more attracted to reddish colors, so perhaps they played more with the two girl toys (the pot and a doll) because they were also the only two red toys. But they do not control for this obvious confounding variable. Discussing the study in her later work, one of the initial authors mentions only the doll, omitting the confounding color variable and the meaningless cooking pot. Few people citing the study mention that the male moneys spent equal time with masculine and feminine toys, either.

In another example, Soh points to a study that correctly identifies 73% of participants’ sex based on brain scans. 73% can sound like a lot, but with two choices, randomly guessing would give us 50% accuracy. While their method is somewhat (23 points) better than guessing, it’s 27 points worse than perfect. That is, a lot of people’s brains do not conform to the model that sexes are binary and different. Perhaps that is why surveys of this literature find “no consistent evidence of brain based sexual dimorphism exists.” Moreover, observing biological difference doesn’t mean biology causes social differences. Gendered social behavior has been shown to change the structure of one’s brain. The same has been shown for hormone levels, even back in 1979. Social factors, then, sometimes cause biological ones.

A Large and Longstanding Body of Research Literature

The LA Times Op-Ed matter-of-factly informs readers that a “large and long-standing body of research literature shows that toy preferences, for example, are innate, not socially constructed or shaped by parental feedback.” This is technically accurate: research to this effect has been prolific and dates back at least several hundred years. But that research has also been heavily critiqued and frequently debunked by scientists over the last 40+ years. Research to the contrary is itself a “large and long-standing body of research literature.” Some prominent authors within STEM fields include Anne Fausto-Sterling, a biologist who has written 5 books and numerous articles on the subject; Ruth Hubbard, the first tenured woman in Harvard’s biology department; Evelyn Fox Keller, a physicist; and Rebecca M. Jordan-Young, a sociomedical scientist. There is even a pop-science summary of this research field by a neuroscientist, Cordelia Fine. By ignoring this entire body of work, which responds at length and with scientific rigor to her specific examples, Soh gives readers the false impression that all research unambiguously shows social resistance to current gender patterns is “futile.”

Then, of course, there is the social science. This is where we get studies like Baby X, Emily Martin’s demonstration of sexist assumptions clouding biological research, Nelly Oudshoorn’s research on the historical construction of “sex hormones,” and Beth B. Hess’ incisive quip that “for two millennia, ‘impartial experts’ have given us such trenchant insights as the fact that women lack sufficient heat to boil the blood and purify the soul, that their heads are too small, their wombs too big, their hormones too debilitating, that they think with their hearts or the wrong side of the brain. The list is never-ending.”

Sociology is also where we find evidence of how sex-stereotyped behaviors are learned, planned, and enforced—none of which would be necessary (or possible) if they were “predetermined characteristics” like Soh suggests. This is a huge area of sociology. Erving Goffman’s 1977 “The Arrangement between the Sexes” is an early classic, but much more empirical work has demonstrated gender socialization since then by Raewyn Connell, Lorena Garcia, Karin Martin, Tay Meadow, CJ Pascoe, Barrie Thorne, and countless others. And then there are the cross-cultural studies showing gendered behavior varies widely across places and historical periods. Margaret Mead’s classic 1949 Male and Female is among the most influential. Personally, I love this post on the pink costumes marketed for boys in the 1955 Sears catalog.

Agendas

What purpose does an Op-Ed like this one serve? Soh insists gender-neutral parenting is futile, and her disdain for it is palpable throughout the article. Soh is so invested in telling readers how (not) to parent (neutrally) that she ignores decades of scientific research showing that there are fatal methodological flaws in the studies of biological causes for gendered behavior. None of these critics say biology is entirely irrelevant—many are themselves career biologists. Even more to the point, she ignores decades of social scientific research demonstrating clearly that social factors do influence gendered behaviors like toy preference and STEM achievement. The data is in: gender socialization is not futile (but looking for evidence of biological sex determinism probably is).

Prescriptive claims based on innate biology present us with a telling paradox. If one really believes, as Soh professes to, that outcomes are biologically determined and socialization is irrelevant, why write an Op-Ed telling us we ought to socialize children into traditional gender roles? Why give any recommendations at all, if our actions have no effect? When the Borg tell us resistance is futile, they are trying to demoralize us into surrendering a fight we may otherwise win, into assimilating with their views even when it is painful or costs us our identities.

When sex difference research is used to make prescriptive claims (such as how to parent), a logical fallacy also takes place. Researchers look for differences between (cisgender) men and women, then build a model of what is masculine and feminine to describe what they see. This is a reasonable step (unless, of course, you consider the long history of research on intersex, transgender, and nonbinary people that complicates “men and women”). However, when someone turns around and says “this girl likes boy toys” or “boys’ rooms should be blue not oatmeal,” they mistake the model’s description of reality for reality itself. If she is playing with a different toy than the model of sex difference predicts, that is an error in the model, not in the girl.

Jeff Lockhart is a PhD student at the University of Michigan.

via scatterplot