#i spent most of today entertaining a three year old so a bit brain dead atm

[episodicnostalgia]

Reading Break: “Retiring” from comic book collecting

The Reading Break continues, mainly because work is still hindering my ability to write structured reviews with any regularity.  It’s a bit of a bummer, because I genuinely enjoy writing them, and it’s made blogging fun for me, but doing so requires more mental energy than I can currently afford to spend.  Sometimes you just gotta prioritize payin’ them bills, and staying alive. In the meantime, I don’t want to sacrifice writing altogether, because I value this platform as an outlet, and since it is MY flippin’ blog, I figure I’ll just relax the structure a bit and write about other shit; less episodic, and more nostalgic, I suppose.

So anyways.  Comic Books.

More of my leisure time has been spent reading comics these days, and if you’ve been tuning into any of my most recent posts, then you already know that I’ve been on something of a Spider-man kick for a while, and that’s unlikely to change in the immediate future.  Obviously, the fact that I’ve been reviewing the 90’s cartoon has fanned the flames of my current fixation, but it’s been a long time coming.  Over the past few years I’ve been casually focused on completing my ideal Spidey-Comics-collection, and I’m very nearly finished.

Incidentally, that also means that I will also be, by-and-large, finished actively collecting comic books altogether.

Technically I kind of “stopped collecting” (heavy on the quotations there) shortly after DC’s ‘New 52’ reboot kicked off.  It wasn’t that I particularly disliked the changes, but I found myself lacking the energy to maintain my interest.  Since Marvel wasn't exactly doing anything more appealing (and the MCU was still scratching that itch), I just stopped altogether. To this day, I haven’t really felt that I’ve been missing out. 

I’m still prone to casually glancing at subreddits, Wikipedia blogs, and the occasional review/pop-culture think piece, just to check in on all my old fictional friends, and see how they’re doing.  Superman and Lois have a kid who grew up, and also became another Superman. Batman and Catwoman got married, and then unmarried, I think?  I know it resulted a in a bunch of fans getting angry. I understand Miles Morales has been transported to the 616 universe (after his was destroyed), and I seem to recall that Wolverine was dead for a while. Maybe he still is?

I admittedly I did start reading the new Ultimate Spider-man, and intend to continue doing so, but I’ll drop it in a heartbeat if I get bored, meanwhile the other books in the new ‘Ultimate’ line don’t really appeal at all. I’m not trying be pretentious either; All the new stuff being published today looks like it’s probably reasonably entertaining, and there are some fantastic new artists working in the industry, but I’ve just mostly had my fill.

That said, there were a decent number of older issues that I’d always wanted to read when I was a kid, but never got to.  So, shortly after I stopped buying any of the new books coming out (a little over a decade ago), I began removing the issues that I had no intention of re-reading, to make room for the various ‘missing’ issues I needed to complete my "essential" collection once and for all.

After all, is any reading list complete without Super-merman?

During my comic-hunt, there are two characters who I predominantly focused on: Superman (Merman or otherwise) & Spider-man (there are no Spider-mermen. Because that would be stupid.)

Two-or-three years ago, I successfully completed my collection of Superman comics ranging between late 1986 to early 1995.  That’s the era that includes, among other things:

Lex faking his death, swapping his brain into an enhanced clone body, and returning with a full head of hair as his own super hot, Secret, Australian-raised son, aka Lex Luthor II.  I’m not making any of that up, but it’s actually a great Lex Luthor arc, and I mean that unapologetically.

Lois getting engaged to Clark, and being trusted with his super-secret. (And also, hilariously, in that order.)

The artificial protoplasmic lifeform aka ‘Matrix-Supergirl’ from “the pocket dimension,” who easily ranks as my favourite iteration of the Supergirl property.

The evil Kryptonian AI aka “The Eradicator,” and of course…

The world-famous ‘Death of Superman’

As ridiculously 90’s as that all sounds (and was), it was a truly solid 8-year run that has (in my millennial opinion) never been matched for its combined quality, diverse-and-dynamic supporting cast (which no other set of writers have ever come close to utilizing as effectively), and tight continuity. Most importantly, by the beginning of ‘95, the story sort-of comes to a natural close that leaves our characters happy, with most of the major arcs and plotlines resolved. 

That itself is nothing short of a small miracle for an ongoing comic book series to achieve, and so I’ve always privately considered that to be "the end" of MY definitive Superman story. That respective collection begins with ‘Man of Steel’ #1, spans across the four Superman books of-the-time (plus select mini-series, annuals, and crossovers), and ends with ‘Action Comics’ #706, some 350-odd issues later. 

It's an impressive achievement in storytelling that seems to finally be getting more recognition (from what I’ve seen on various forums and subreddits), but I still don’t think it gets enough credit for allowing our beloved Kryptonian’s story to move forward for (arguably) the first time in the character’s then-50+ years of existence. Suffice to say, while it was no small feat tracking down each of the necessary back-issues, it was relatively simple process to figure out WHICH issues I needed to buy, since it was all part of one consecutive run.

Finishing my Spider-man Collection was a little trickier.

Technically, the Spider-man books have never broken their continuity (with some room for debate, but I don’t feel like getting into that), and as such, any truly complete collection of the 616* Spider-man would span several thousand issues, many of which I don't consider essential reading.  So it’s been a longer, more meticulous process of figuring out which artists, writers, and story arcs I actually want to sink money into. 

[*616 = The OG Marvel universe from the comics]

With a few exceptions (and where I’ve had to accept trade paperback collections as a vital alternative to spending at LEAST several tens-of-thousands of dollars), I’ve now collected nearly all of the main eras throughout Spidey’s career that interest me.  I’ve very nearly completed the Roger Stern run,  along with a healthy sampling of Tom Defalco’s work, leaving me roughly 10 issues away from my goal.

If you care to know, it comes to the equivalent of some 420+ issues from the various 616 Spidey books, between Amazing Fantasy #15, to The Amazing Spider-man #508. 

Why stop there? Because much of what has come out beyond that point feels either like a departure from, or a retread of, the character I grew up with. I don’t begrudge anyone who enjoys the current Spidey books, but he seems to have been stuck in a holding pattern that TPTB have decided the writers aren't permitted to move beyond. I imagine that’s also why the new ‘Ultimate Spider-man’ has captured my interest, at least for the time being, by letting him grow up and raise a family. Still, I won’t be surprised if/when even that version of the character ends up getting caught in his own version of an editorially-mandated limbo.

In the end, that’s what it really boils down to, the lack of endings.  I won’t pretend I’m making a new observation in this regard, since most ongoing series are tailor made to reset every few years, and that’s unlikely to change any time soon.  Even so, knowing when to end a story is as important to me as the plot itself, and since the writers aren’t ever granted the power to offer definitive endings to major proprietary characters, I decided to pick one that I can be content with.  I find doing so makes going back and re-reading these stories from the beginning more enjoyable, since I know it will eventually end on my terms.

Speaking of ending things, It’s probably time I wrapped up this post.  It’s possible I might come back with more specific observations about the Spidey books, depending on how long my “reading break" continues.  Or maybe by the time I’m back, I’ll be able to focus on the reviews again.

Guess we'll see.

Thanks for Reading.

[tuiyla]

Hi! So awhile back, I saw someone else answer an ask on why they like Quinntana but not Pezberry, and it seems like the opposite for you, I think, romantically speaking, IIRC. If that’s the case, could you explain why you ship Pezberry and not Quinntana?

Hey Anon!

So I think there are a couple of different layers to this but I'll try to be straightforward. I guess I'm kinda weird when it comes to shipping lol but I think the case with Pezberry for me is that I see sexual chemistry there and could potentially see them romantically in an AU kinda situation. And really where I stand on shipping Pezberry exactly is a separate disclaimer post that I really ought to write so I can finally have somewhere to direct people to, but yeah.

For the purposes of this ask, I'll just say that I do ship Pezberry and not Quinntana, and that's a very good question why. I think... I think it boils down to Pezberry being my favourite overall dynamic in the show, along with Brittana, and that encompasses many dimensions. I adore Quinntana as well of course but it's just that specific thing that Pezberry have, the passion and 'awesome or not at all' of it all that I find extremely compelling. I suppose by the end they also had more screentime than Quinntana so, more to go off on. I just need Pezberry to be interacting so badly and I do see sexual and even romantic potential for them because of the kind of story they have and the way their interactions went.

To be clear, I guess I ship Quinntana to a certain degree as well. I think they should have been a season 4 midgame and they have excellent chemistry as well of course. Where they 'lose' me, so to say, is that I see their energy being overwhelmingly platonic, at the end of the day. Even if I do wish for that midgame, at the end of which they both realize their relationship is worth more than essentially using each other to work through stuff. I think they love each other very deeply, in a way that's as fascinating to me as Pezberry though different. I suppose it really is that lack of romantic potential that I, personally see, that makes me enjoy them as a short-term thing and looove them as friends, but not be as interested even in an AU situation. And don't get me wrong, I love fics for them; Quinntana fics always hit so hard, damn. I just don't see them being all that compatible, and I think a lot of that is how I view Quinn and Santana's narrative roles and how they're too similar to me in that sense. Which is again a different post and something I haven't yet touched on much, I don't think. So a worthy discussion for another day.

But yeah, I hope that's the kind of explanation you were looking for. My love for Pezberry is very much rooted in, just, their overall story and circumstances, and the shipping aspect comes in when I ponder a what could have been for them. To put it somewhat more simply, I could maybe see Pezberry making an actual relationship work, years down the line, and I can see them wanting to make it work. With Quinntana, they'll always be friends who, oh, also hooked up btw in my eyes. And you know, I think further investigating what makes the two different could be fun! And I might return to this topic to do that. But for now, I hope that was a good enough answer.

[marnivanross]

★ have you seen [ MARNI VANROSS ] since the storm? some say they look like [ zoey deutch ] but they’re [ 21 ]  & go by [ THE SKEPTIC ]. [ she’s ] lived in halloway for [ 12 years ] & they are originally from [ LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA]. before the town vanished they were studying [ astronomy ] and lived at [ UNI BLVD ]. most people knew the [ CISFEMALE ] as [ + INTELLIGENT ] but i’ve heard they can also be [ - COLD ]. for some reason, they feel [ uneasy ] about the town’s disappearance. ( pepper, twenty three, s he/her, est )

ABOUT THE MUN.  what is that? that freaky thing? yes, that’s right, it’s a naked mole rat.

hello all, my name is pepper and what you’re about to see is about to be peak mediocrity. i am usually pretty decent at intros but i really have spent most of today watching love island, and i just spent the past two hours watching pilot pete make horrible decisions, so my brain is officially mush. that said i am going to do my best to make this coherent. to start, a bit about me, i am a taurus. i like trash tv. i’m really craving chicken fingers. i have never met a plate of nachos i didn’t like, and if i could be anything other than a human person i’d be a cloud i think. alright onto the good stuff. 

BIO. *has my feelings surgically removed*

first of all here is her pinterest board (keep in mind marni was kind of the skully inspired muse in a scooby doo rp so that’s why stuff looks a bit spooky)

marni was brought into the world into a weird situation by anyone’s standards, but especially by hers. to start, both her parents were hippies. yes, weed smoking, chakra cleansing, organic grown kale that they got from the farmer’s market where the only store clerk walked around with her tits proudly out, hippies. but they weren’t just any hippies, they were rich hippies. and that somehow made it worse. 

clint ‘storm’ vanross and clementine vanross were the proud owners and entrepreneurs of a whole food organic grocery store (think whole foods or trader joe’s), and clemetine later went on to ride the success of their company to create her own website and brand (think goop basically. yes, marni’s mother has sold a candle that smells like her vagina, and yes marni is deeply ashamed of it). both businesses were wildly successful, and so clem and storm quickly went from living and travelling the world in their van to having about six mansions across the world. marni came into their life as their first child around the time they bought mansion two. she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, but that spoon’s handle was made of moon quartz and the silver was organically sourced. 

from there on out marni was raised in a weird way. you’d think because hippies were all about free love, that marni would be raised with an abundance of it but that wasn’t exactly the case. her parents were all about giving marni her aunotomy fairly early in life, which sounds good, but really means that marni was simply treated as an adult from the moment she could walk by herself. and she was the adult really. after all, marni was the one who had to convince her parents to enroll her in school (they were determined to let the world be her teacher, and marni simply wasn’t having any of it), the one who had to fix her own meals when all that was left in their fridge was raw tofu, the one who had to clean up her mother’s vomit whenever she went a bit to hard on the moonshine. yes, marni had parents, but she also had forty-something year old children in boho chic attire.

and marni’s parents never understood it. after all, with the way they were they could never understand how their genetics combined to make such a serious girl. one who would look at the moon and not just admire it, but ask how it stayed up there in the first place. how far away was it? how could she get there? and when told to simply enjoy and love it for what it was, would instead march herself to the library and find out the answers herself. marni’s parents and her truly never saw eye to eye, and at a certain point marni stopped trying to. she wasn’t expecting her parents to follow suit, but follow suit they did. marni’s parents gave up on trying to understand her her around the time she was nine. that’s when she moved to halloway, or rather, that’s when they moved her to halloway. 

they said it was because of business. the fact was, marni’s parents had been marching her around the world, from state to state and country to country whenver they wanted to start up a new store or run down a new story. yes, sometimes they would leave her (alone, in an empty house, with only the occasional eccentric ‘aunt’ or ‘uncle’ to come by and make sure marni wasn’t dead) for a while for short business trips (the longest being about two weeks) but they always came back eventually. but this was different. her parents set her up in halloway with a nanny named paola, and then they left for the foreseeable future. her mother, to go down to africa to chase a story. her father, to go down to europe and expand the business. they both promised to be back within a month, and they were. but then they left again. and again. and again. 

but it was fine. marni and paola got along great. she learned very quickly how to forge her parents signature on school forms. she didn’t need them. she didn’t miss them. but she did desperately want them to want her, and it took marni a long time to realize they just didn’t. 

marni was the new girl for a while. she struggled a bit to make friends as the little girl who got more excited by science experiments than barbies. the one who was always the first to raise her hand in class, and the one with the famous parents. most of the kids didn’t know who the vanross’ were but the parents did. and having the occassion adult come up to marni and tell her how they just loved her mother’s zuchini bread recipe, or the all organic popcorn they sold at her father’s store was just... weird. and other kids found it weird too. marni struggled for a while, and was picked on quite a lot but what was she to do other than accept it? all that marni had in her arsenal were facts and scathing words, and mean kids didn’t usually tend to let those stop them. 

eventually marni grew up. she went to high school. skipped prom. remained fairly anonymous other than becoming president of the chemistry club, valedictorian and being known as the girl known for making friends with her teachers. she got accepted to harvard and yale for university, but not knowing if it was because of her own accomplishments (which were countless) or because of her parents, she refused them both and decided to stay in halloway. to go to university here. to try and make her own way. 

honestly in university marni’s life was similarly uneventful because for the most part she was the quiet type that went to class, went home, and back. she didn’t cause any stir unless you could hear the occasional scathing comment murmured under her breath, or you were a neighbour who marni was screaming at to keep it down. she didn’t even attend a single party unless coerced. she was nobody, and honestly that was how marni liked it. she had never been one for the spotlight. she genuinely preferred to be more behind the scenes, unless there was a need to rise to the occasion. 

and then all of this happened y’all. it really went to shit huh. marni is terrified honestly and she just wants to know what’s going on. a lot of people who barely know who she is have probably seen her speaking up and asking questions and getting almost frenzied in her attempt to find the truth because the mystery of all this is driving her insane. no she doesn’t miss her parents particularly, but she does miss what the world used to be and she wants to go back to that, desperately, but she also really just wants to know. like if marni understood what was happening here or even just played a part in future generations understanding, and she was literally still never able to get back... honestly she could still die pretty happy i’m ngl.

PERSONALITY. *eyes snap open at 3:52am* nobody likes me

blunt. painfully painfully blunt, god. if marni thinks you’re an idiot she will tell you to your face, she really does not care and that absolutely will get her into trouble one day

painfully curious! wants to know what’s happening with this whole situation, god desperately wants to know the truth and mechanics behind it. 

cold honestly?? like marni doesn’t know how to comfort people really, she was never really taught how. she isn’t very compassionate, she’s genuinely more on the logical side. will give you the most rational answer even if it does sound kinda of cruel

the voice of reason! the person in your friend group who is the designated driver. also the person in your friend group who would say ‘i told you so’

an overachiever. lives for academic acknowledgement, like those little gold stars on your papers in elementary school are what kept marni going man. huge ass nerd. huge ass bookwarm. 

super stubborn. refuses to even entertain the idea of anything magical happening here, and is honestly kind of judgmental of people who think that way because of her parents like marni has very little respect for any hippies i’m not gonna lie 

skeptical as hell but we been knew 

a know it all! think she’s right about everything !! she usually is but still !!

does not know what to do with emotion. has had a couple, and does not recommend it. would rather die than admit to a feeling. 

trust issues galore! does not trust literally anyone ever. if marni trusts you than you’re truly special

HEADCANNONS. it takes me 3-7 business days to process my feelings

has never learnt to ride a bike cause her parents never taught her rip

loves the smell of books

laughs at horror movies generally. the kind of person who is really hard to scare. 

was raised a vegan but loves eating meat. stress eats meat when she’s truly like anxious, and so is really bummed about the dwindling meat supply for more reasons than one. 

needs coffee to survive, so the rationing has got her going a bit crazy even though she knows it’s necessary. 

has never really gotten truly drunk. 

keeps a detailed journal about all of her thoughts about all of this and takes meticulous notes. 

is left handed. 

can shoot a gun and does have one on her person pretty much at all times. i headcannon that her nanny paola taught her to shoot, and marni isn’t strong at all but she’s a pretty good shot. it’s the only way she has to defend herself honestly. 

is redheaded/strawberry blonde zoey and redheaded/strawberry blonde zoey ONLY

bi as hell!

WANTED CONNECTIONS. baby’s first words are ‘i’m not here to make friends’

i really am too lazy to make a whole ass sexy list rn and i apologize sjsdjjdf but !!! best friends, friends, confidantes, someone who used to drag her to parties, someone who used to pick on her, someone who used to defend her, flings, exes (marni is a horrible gf and she probably DIPPED the moment she started to feel something so give it to me folks), crushes she used to have in high school or middle school or elementary school, people who had crushes on her in high school or middle school or elementary school, current crushes on either end, enemy (just someone she butts heads with man!), old academic rivals, partner in crime in trying to figure this shit out, someone who hates her man, sibling like relationship, a girl squad, someone who tries to get her to loosen up, someone who is really chill and okay with the current situation who marni just wants to strangle with her bare hands!!! and anything else your heart desires okay, thank you for listening to me ramble ilu already. 

[nikky-the-writer]

Falsely Accused

Part 3

Summary: When Reader was younger she was arrested for a heavy crime in the magic community and was sent to Azkaban only to be set free a year later when she was proven innocent. Everybody still sees her as a criminal even professors at her old school Hogwarts, where she chose to return however for more than one reason.- AU

Warning: blood, past is written in italic

_________________________________________________________

Lonely. Lonely, was the best word to describe you however not the only one, yet that was how you saw yourself. Your parents were dead and although you were taken in, nobody was like your family. You had no friends at school either; it wasn’t just because of your personality as you kept to yourself, but because in comparison with other students you were more powerful. You could do things without a wand that others couldn’t accomplish even when using one, and that scared you just as it excited you, however, many became weary of you. Many feared of what you could become, it reminded them of the one who had lost his path. Your eagerness for knowledge and magic were the signs of the past repeating itself.

“What?” you murmured under your breath as you were reading one of the books you took from the library without anyone’s knowledge. Your wand was glowing giving you the needed light as you were sitting close to the lake although it was already after midnight. You didn’t want to stay at your dorm not wanting anyone to question you, so you almost every day left in the night to your favorite spot.   “This is wrong…” you whispered to yourself as you continued reading different spells on the pages leaving you confused as for half of them you have never heard and the other half was forbidden. However, the ones you found seemed harmful so you didn’t understand why they couldn’t be used however all that questioning was brought to a sudden stop when you heard a wolf nearby at least you thought it was a wolf. Looking around you didn’t see anything so you moved your attention back to your book when suddenly you were thrown to the ground with searing pain going through your body as you hit the ground. Your wand was far from you as you were lying with a werewolf dangerously close to you. Its saliva was dripping from its mouth onto your body and your eyes were filled with fear as you stared at the beast. You were terrified, however, your brain worked fast to connect the dots in who that was. “Remus?” you questioned but the beast only moved closer and the moment later you were screaming from pain as blood was slowly pouring from your neck staining the ground. Tears were falling from your eyes and although you knew spells to get it off you; you didn’t want to hurt him although he had hurt you. However, you had to do something or the werewolf would have killed you. You struggled to move your hands to the front of your body almost but touching the beast’s chest that was close to biting you before you whispered the only thing you could remember that it wouldn’t hurt him: “Depulso.” The werewolf was thrown away from you giving you a chance to run. You were keeping your hand around your neck where the marks of its claws tore the flesh apart. It hurt so badly however you had to grab your wand before leaving as well as the book as you would be punished if anyone knew that you were there. You didn’t go to anyone to help you, but you ran away to the castle hurrying away with blood dripping behind you. You weren’t sure where you were going however soon the doors appeared from nowhere and you walked inside. You spent a few days inside fixing the tear on your neck and trying to calm yourself as you knew that nobody would be looking for you, and you were right.

_________________________________________________________

The days were dull and you were losing patience. There was nothing in the school to keep you entertained, not even dozens of books in your room, not even the harp or magic. You needed revenge; you need to make someone to pay because of what had happened to you; however, you couldn’t say that everything was boring. As there were moments when you would see Sirius trying to approach you and you would just stare at him so intense that he would turn away. However he wasn’t the only one there was one more person who would turn away, the one who was sure that you knew what they had done. You even left them a message to assure them that you were coming for them, however, that firstly they will suffer just as you did while in Azkaban. You were going to destroy them before you kill them.

Again you found yourself at the same place where for years you had been going at least while you weren’t at Azkaban. The place just at the edge of the lake sometimes even with your feet in the water however not today. You were writing with your quill different observations for the spell you were trying just a moment ago. You had a lot to learn as you lost a year however that year made you grow surer in the magic that was going through your body. It made you more aware of who you were just as you were more aware of your surroundings. And the moment you heard a soft thud of somebody’s feet you were ready to attack however just a moment later you were graced with something that had broken your heart. “Oh,” you whispered as you stared at the poor creature. Its bones were visible as his little body was weak and his three heads were barely kept up. “It’s alright,” you whispered as you moved closer to the cub of a three-headed dog on your knees not wanting to spoke him. It was most likely that it escaped from someone and you couldn’t care less as the little one approached you licking your hands. You took him in your hands and covering him with your cloak as his body was shivering. You even start thinking of names not knowing if it would be alright if you called him head number 1, head number 2 and head number 3, however you were quick to settle on one. “I will keep you safe, Fluffy,” you told the creature as you took your things and him heading to the castle, but as you noticed somebody approaching you completely covered the three heads with enough room for him to breath. “Can I talk to you?” Sirius questioned as he came face to face with you. “About?” you asked struggling a bit with Fluffy as he moved and you noticed that Sirius saw that you were hiding something. “I just wanted to say th…” he stopped as one of Fuffy’s heads was revealed. “You can’t have that.” “It’s not that, it’s a living creature don’t make it seem as if Fluffy is nothing,” you warned ready to leave as he was cold and needed to be fed. “You can’t take it in the castle,” Sirius was quick to say stopping you in your spot, he even reached for you but you flinched back from him. “Why would you care?” “They will take anything against you?” he reminded you as it was true. “Only if you tell on me,” you pointed out as there was no chance for anyone else to find out. “I…” “It is also seen as breaking the rules to be an unregistered animagus or to attack a fellow student and still all four of you are still here, so why wouldn’t I stay if I only took a little puppy from the cold?” you questioned him and his eyes went wide at what you had said however mostly at one thing which confused him. “We didn’t attack anyone,” he defended himself and his friends but you only shrugged tugging at your scarf. “Can you really say it for Remus?” you asked as you pulled a little on the material however not enough to show what it was hiding. “Yeah, he never hurt anyone.” “You never asked yourself why I carry a scarf even during hot days?” you questioned as you removed it revealing large scars of claws. “When did h-“ he asked reaching out but you again stepped away from him. “Doesn’t matter, I was more afraid not to become one,” you said silently. “Please don’t tell him,” he begged you and you stared at him confused as there was no reason for him to ask that as you never told a soul. “I won’t tell anyone.” “I know you won’t get him in trouble, but please don’t tell him, he would hate himself even more.” “I know how that would feel, you know, to be accused of something that you didn’t really do.” It was the last thing you said before you hurried inside to keep the little one alive passing by Sirius without looking his way.

_________________________________________________________

A/N: Thank you all for reading!!! Feedback is appreciated!!

Tag list:

@regretcity

@nadinissavage

@untainted-memories

@cecedofficial

@evyiione

@paracii

@falling-stars-never-cry

@lustfulcry

@cassie-soccer26

@chill-out-imtheice-queen

@qxeen-of-hearts

@crazyonesarethebest

[kylo-ren-writes]

Attraction, Epilogue

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, Epilogue

Pairing: Kylo Ren x Reader

Warnings: uhhh, angsty I guess? Age gap, time jump.

Tag List: @beautifulbows924 @celestiaelisia @bluudhavens @majestic-sith-queen @kyloren-supreme-ben @samarantha @kirah34 @redhairedfeistynerd @drtiberiussith @hoe-for-daddywise @bisexualbitchbabe @hostofthefirenation @ayatimascd @fralackles @imyourdreamwife @kylos-sassy-cousin @blxkstar @thesquidni @kylosskywalkers @ymariejp @sassyspacepizza @the-illustrator-of-melodies @just-another-starwars-fangirl

A/N: well, everyone. This is the last part to this series. I’m so happy that I decided to rewrite it and that many of you enjoyed it. Thank you very much for reading it and I hope to write more series in the future! But for now, I hope you enjoy this last part, and do forgive me for taking a bit of time to write it! (Gif not mine!)

You sat on your small cot in your even smaller cell, with your legs crossed and your back against the wall.

A whole year. A whole year today, exactly. You did not keep track of the days that passed, only guessed... and got a hold of stormtroopers who you compelled to tell you the date upon asking.

It was almost a surprise that that much time had gone by already. But yet, at the same time, you weren’t surprised at all. The days spent in your little cell all blended together, so even though it was almost hard to believe, it also made sense.

Head tilted back against the cool, dirty wall, your eyes closed as the memory came back to you. It was a day that you held onto even though it had been painful, and still was painful to think about. But it was real, something more real than all the time you spent on the dark side and in the First Order. You were determined to think about it everyday so it would not fade. And so you wouldn’t forget a certain face, or rather, forget what a certain someone looked like.

The thought of forgetting the face of the man who’s name you did not bother to think about anymore was almost terrifying. It was a fear you had created inside your head, a fear that made you replay all the prominent features you could remember so clearly even a year later.

How could you forget him, anyway. He was more than unique, with his dark head of curls and waves, whose softness you could just barely feel on your finger tips. Light, pale skin that contrasted against his locks, almost making him look sickly with how it exaggerated the dark circles under his eyes.

It made you smile, remembering the tiredness always evident on his angular face, knowing that he never quite got enough sleep. And smiling even more when you remembered the sleep he had gotten with you that day when he had revealed it all to you and had become one with you.

You had a mark in the wall, near the end of your cot where you had estimated his height from what you had remembered later on, cause he was so very tall and that was not a detail you wanted to forget. Nor did you want to forget the muscle that added build to his body, evening out the otherwise scraggly look he would have had without it.

The way his strong arms wrapped around you, keeping you safe in his embrace, against his chest while he muttered how he was going to protect you from then on. If only he had known how much that wasn’t true.

But the features about him that you remembered most, those and others, like the golden brown shade of his eyes or the fullness of his pink mouth, was what kept the last memory of him that you forced yourself to remember, so vivid. That memory was certainly more preferred to the other one, the one that twisted you up inside.

After waking up from the long nap turned sleep that morning, you had woken up alone to a cold, empty bed. Kylo had not been there, you hadn’t felt him anywhere within his quarters. But that hadn’t initially alarmed you.

You had stayed in his large bed for a bit longer with your face pressed into his pillow, breathing in his clean scent and remembering what had happened between you many hours before.

Now that was another good memory, but only one that you saved for special nights that left you especially... lonely and sad.

After you were done with the ‘burying your face into his pillow’ and remembering, you had gotten out of his bed with a stretch of your limbs over your head and headed into his bathroom. The reflection you saw in the mirror above the sink looked like a different person. You had felt like a different person, a happier person. At least in that moment. It was the after part where you had changed out of his shirt and back into your own clothes so you could go back to your room and change, when things took a turn.

The minute you had walked out of his quarters after folding up his shirt nicely and leaving it on his bed, when you had been seized.

Three stormtroopers led by the one and only Kane, who you had barely seen much of over the last few weeks prior, and was even more surprised to see then, took hold of your arms tightly. One limb in each of their two while the third trooper stood behind with Kane and his annoying smirk standing in front of you.

You couldn’t remember much of Kane in your memory, or really much of the rest of this memory, but it still pained you regardless. You mostly remembered being taken away to a ship and Kane’s normal cruelness as the reality of what had been going on set into your brain. Kane didn’t need to explain it to you, although he did anyway because he wanted to, what was going on. You were being sent away.

That is exactly what had happened. You had been taken away to who knows where and kept in this little, dirty cell which had a regular rotation of troopers to make sure you stayed in.

It had been depressing, it was depressing, but you weren’t dead. Although, at times, you certainly wished you were.

The worst part of it all was the fact that you could not feel His presence through the force anymore. The minute Kane and his trio of stormtroopers had seized you, the connection and bond you had newly shared with him had severed. It had almost been a crippling feeling, a deep pain that had not ever gone away and at times felt linger strongly. At those times, you liked to entertain the idea that maybe it was Him trying to reach out for you through the force. It gave you comfort even though you knew it wasn’t true.

You missed him more than anything, but like most pain, it had lessened over time.

Now, even though you still made time to remember him, almost treating him as if he were dead because if you were honest, it felt like he was, you still tried to keep your mind busy in other ways.

You liked to read and gain knowledge, even though you did not need to learn anything anymore. Your lightsaber had been taken away by Kane and it wasn’t like you could really practice anything in your small space. But over the year, you had managed to acquire some old books from stormtroopers you had compelled, and read them. All of them you read more than five times at least.

Light exercise was another way you tried to keep your mind busy. Even though you couldn’t do much, you still tried to keep fit in what little ways that you could.

Then of course the two meals a day that you got and your sleep were the other ways in which you kept busy. Eating was a distraction and sleep was an escape. And when more time had passed during your time in the cell, the nightmares you had over it almost stopped. You barely had them anymore. It was mostly just deep, dreamless sleep. But you didn’t mind, not at all. Better than the alternative for sure.

Right now it was the time before breakfast when two stormtroopers switched places and another brought you your tray of food.

It was the time you reserved for remembering and for him, the time you allowed any and all thoughts to wander recklessly. It reminded you of meditation—something you rarely did now—with how deeply you fell into your thoughts. At times you wouldn’t leave your mind until you got taken out of it by a clanking from one of the troopers as he banged on your cell. At those times you were sure that it could have been meditation.

That didn’t happen today, however. You pulled yourself from your thoughts quite easily and tilted your chin back down as you opened up your eyes. You were done remembering for today, or at least the morning. It was time for breakfast anyway... or at least you thought it was.

You had gotten pretty accustomed to waking up at the same hour everyday and calculating the in between time of the shift changes of the troopers as well as breakfast, in your mind. A trooper had left but one had not come to take its place. It was odd but sometimes it did happen, so you kept your gaze on the opposite wall and waited. Your thoughts stayed empty, only counting the seconds up until five whole minutes passed. After that, you turned your head to the side, towards the door to your cell, and furrowed in your brows.

Why were the troopers late? They were often punctual and on time, and surely even your breakfast would have been delivered by now.

Pushing yourself up from your bed, you stood, a few feet away from your cell door. Nothing seemed to feel off, only quiet. Although you never really bothered to tap into your force abilities anymore. There wasn’t much of a point. But you couldn’t ignore the sudden feeling in your head that something was indeed off.

You listened carefully, to the quietness that filled your small space. Your cell was down a narrow hallway, so you could not see anything other than another cell opposite of you that was empty. But what you couldn’t see, you could hear, and you certainly were not hearing things when the abrupt sound of footfalls sounded out on the floor.

Your shoulders sagged and your expression relaxed, no longer confused nor concerned. It was the trooper taking the other troopers place. With that in your head, you returned back to sitting on top of your cot, your legs dangling over the edge of it and a book in your hands. You might as well read a bit while you wait for breakfast.

That’s what you did. You read, ignoring the sound of the footfalls and not even noticing how differently they sounded to the traditional troopers. It wasn’t until the “trooper” was standing in front of your cell that your peripheral picked up on the darker attire of the person that you assumed had been a stormtrooper.

Fear picked up in your mind, your heart beat beating quickly. It had you frozen in place as you dared not move or even twitch an eye. A stranger was in front of your cell, something that was not customary. Something that was not protocol. But a voice inside of your head urged you to lift it, to look up at whoever was here, to see them. And so you did, and the sight of them made you drop your book onto the floor.

A dream, this had to be a dream... no, a nightmare. Only a nightmare could produce something so cruel and awful for you to see. Although what you could see wasn’t awful to look at, but it was painful.

Kylo Ren stood there, in front of your cell, dressed in different clothes from what you remembered and with different hair.

You couldn’t help your mouth from parting open and the stare you had on his face. Your expression a mixture of disbelief and horror. He looked the same yet different. His skin was still pale but it held a... scar? And his dark hair wasn’t as curled and styled as you remembered, rather more wavy and stuck to his head, framing that same angular face. That face that looked even more tired than what you remembered.

Kylo stared at you as you stared at him, mirroring the same expression as his eyes flitted over your face and body. You knew that you looked different, too. Thinner with longer hair, although you did not know what your face looked like, you hadn’t seen a mirror since that day. You imagined you had to have looked pretty much the same with only little differences. Just like him.

You seemed to stare at each other, taking each other in, as the minutes ticked by. But this time you weren’t counting the seconds. Somehow you managed to find your voice, and the first thing you could only manage to mutter was: “are you real?” It had been a strangled sounding sound, but they were words regardless.

“Are you?” Kylo croaked out in a reply, although his voice had sounded stronger and deeper. His. The sound brought instant tears to your eyes.

You nodded slowly then carefully stood back up from your cot, keeping your gaze on him as you willed your legs not to give out on you. Your head already felt like it was swimming.

“I... I’m r-real,” you stuttered out, a single tear managing to escape your eye and trail it’s way down your cheek, dripping off of your jaw onto your shirt.

Kylo was quiet, so quiet you feared that he really wasn’t real and that this was a nightmare after all. But then he turned his gaze towards the panel on the wall that could authorize your release by opening the door of the cell. You weren’t thinking of that, however, only of him and keeping your eyes on him as you barely kept yourself up on your feet. Your legs felt like jelly.

Your cell door opened seconds later and you still did not notice, until Kylo was suddenly moving closer as he rushed to you, everything feeling like it was moving in slow motion. One minute he was too far from you, the next you were scooped up into his arms, barely able to breathe with how those familiar, strong—stronger—arms engulfed you into a too tight embrace. That’s when you broke, allowing the tears to fall from your eyes as you frantically wrapped your arms around his neck, him lifting you off of the ground.

A sob broke out from your throat and Kylo quickly hushed you, pressing your face into his chest, underneath of his chin, as he held you up and against him. It had been so long since you had felt him against you, since those arms had embraced you, since you had heard his voice. You missed him even more than you knew.

“H-how... how...” you tried, but Kylo only hushed you again, pressing a hard kiss to the top of your head.

“I’m here, I’m real,” he assured. “I’m real. I’m real.”

You couldn’t help the relief you felt over his words and how reassured and soothed you felt by them. It was him, it was really him. Kylo was here and holding you now. “B-but how—“

“I killed Snoke,” Kylo cut you off. “I killed him, he’s gone, and I’m sorry it took so long for me to find you and get to you, but he’s gone. You’re safe.”

Safe. You were safe. Snoke was gone. Kylo killed him. Kylo killed Snoke.

It was a lot to process, but at the moment you couldn’t care less. Not with how Kylo was here with you now and you were in his arms. So you only nodded slowly and briefly, legs wrapping around his waist as you figured out how to move them again. You believed that if you clung onto him, that he couldn’t possibly disappear.

You could feel Kylo turn and him carry you, presumably out and away from your cell. You couldn’t even think about your books you were leaving behind, but those didn’t matter. Not at this time.

Kylo carried you down the hall and out of it, up a narrow set of stairs to the ground floor of the base you had been kept on. It was an old base belonging to the First Order that didn’t serve much purpose most days. But it was the planet that served the most value, as it offered many resources and allegiance to the First Order. The base was only a necessary aspect of it.

Stormtroopers he had brought along waited there for their new Supreme Leader, and the ones stationed there stood aside and out of the way.

You kept your arms firmly around his neck and your face pressed into his chest as you remained unaware of your surroundings or of what was happening. All you chose to focus on was Kylo and how he felt against you, so warm and hard, and comfortable. No, comforting.

Kylo quickly carried you out of the base and onto his command shuttle, the well trained stormtroopers following behind like the soldiers they were.

The crew didn’t need to be told to take off, and that’s how you realized that Kylo had carried you onto a ship. You felt the familiarity of taking off, something you hadn’t felt in a long time, and you finally pulled your face away from his chest. Just enough so you could glance and skim your eyes around the ship, and look up at him. He was seated on a bench with you on his lap.

One of your arms unwound itself from Kylo’s neck, and your hand rested on his jaw, making him look down at you.

By then your tears had dried and your sobbing had stopped. You still couldn’t believe that he was really here, but you were working on it. Like now, with how you were staring up at him. Up close you could see the moles and freckles that dotted his face, a detail that had somehow slipped your mind from your memories. You couldn’t help the frown that turned down the corners of your mouth slightly.

“What’s wrong?” Kylo asked immediately, hugging you closer to him.

“I forgot about the freckles and moles on your face,” you said softly, throat a little dry and hoarse from crying.

Kylo leaned his face down and rested his forehead against yours. “That’s alright.”

“No it’s not.” Your frown deepened. “I made sure that I wouldn’t forget you and what you looked like, but I forgot something so important.”

Kylo pulled his forehead away and replaced it with his lips. “It is alright,” he insisted. “You will never forget them now or anything about me, because this time there is nothing or no one that can possibly take you away from me.”

Your frown turned into a small smile. “You sound so sure.” He did, and it helped you relax, but you could not help but be skeptical.

“I am,” Kylo said confidently. He was right, no one could take you from him. “I’m the Supreme Leader now, I run the First Order.”

You were surprised, but you knew that you shouldn’t be. After all, he did kill Snoke. Your smile got a little bigger and you hugged him, arms wounding back around his neck. Kylo hugged you back, chin resting on your head.

“I will tell you everything, I promise,” he muttered. “But not now. We have so much time and right now I want to spend some of it holding you.”

You had to agree with him, but you didn’t respond, only snuggled into him to show him how much you agreed.

This time you felt the surety in his words. But unlike before, you had an overwhelming feeling that this time everything was going to be fine. You could live out your lives together. Kylo was going to be your master and train you again in the force. He was the ruler, he didn’t have anyone to tell him what to do. Not anymore.

Peeling your face back from his clothed chest, you looked up at him again as he raised a dark brow. You smiled, then lifted your head, pressing your lips against his in a soft kiss.

Kylo kissed you back, harder than you kissed him, but you didn’t mind. It was a kiss to make up for not kissing again since that day. It was a kiss that was nice and something you wanted to replicate and evolve on many, many times in the future. And you would.

For the first time in the life you could remember, the only life you knew of being here, in the First Order, you felt happy. It would have otherwise been a foreign word to you, but right now, it was the only appropriate word. Because you were happy, more than happy. And the cause of your happiness was Kylo.

[haruki-ya]

A Place to Crash (And Burn)

Summary:  Kai and Kaneda yell at each other a little bit and cry over cry baby Tetsuo. There’s lots more to it than that, but like kinda a lot....so read on if you truly dare.

A/N: REPOSTING this cause fuck it y not I ain’t ever gonna be fully happy with anything I write and I must come to terms with that by EMBRACING the ART of IMPERFECTION. She a thicc one tbh, close to 7,000 words wow (do u see why i said read on if u dare), but from a new character perspective that I was hesitant to try writing in and have @fridge-04 and @totallylegitakirafic to thank for so hey! thank you ! I think my attempt turned out all right! also totallylegit, can you spy with your little eye the Makiko reference? lol enjoy my LOVES <3

Kai couldn’t really say the loud knocking on his door at one in the morning woke him up because he had already been awake, lying in bed in the dark thinking about things of the past.

It had been a rough week, a sleepless week. One spent mourning a death that others celebrated. One spent missing a friend who others considered an enemy. Kai doesn't think there will be any closure for the surviving townspeople any time soon, even three years after the great fall of Neo Tokyo.

Most of their homes are still in shambles and they like to be angry anyway. Kai will admit it’s a more fulfilling emotion than hopelessness.

Kai waits a minute before rolling out of bed. There are only a handful of people who would come knocking on his door at this hour, but that means they’re familiar enough to know he likes to end his night early to start his day earlier. So whoever this is must not care or must know that he’s not sleeping. Or it’s an important matter, but that’s pretty unlikely.

As Kai stumbles through the dark of his loft towards the door, tripping over stray clothes and a stack of old newspapers, he hears voices from the outside. Kei’s annoyed tone rings out strong.

“...come on, I can’t entertain this behavior tonight. I’ve got to meet up with Chiyoko soon, you know that Kaneda.” There’s a mumbled response that Kai doesn’t catch, probably from Kaneda, as he opens the door to a sight that he isn’t really surprised to see.

Kei is dressed in cool, neutral tones and struggling to hold up the swaying form of Kaneda, who reeks of booze and cigarette smoke under her arm, obviously more fucked up than he’s been in a while. Her face is steely with annoyance under the brim of her cap, but when her eyes meet his there is a poorly concealed concern that makes Kai sigh suddenly and drop his shoulders. There’s also a badly hidden plea for help.

“Hello Kai. I really hate to ask this, but can you look after him for a while?”

“Uh…what?” Is the most eloquent response Kai can manage. Kaneda’s stilted voice cuts in before Kai can properly respond, but to be fair he doesn't even really know what to say.

“M’fine Kei, I don’t needa be babysat by a kid.” And that kinda stings, cause hello to you too asshole, and he’s younger than Kaneda sure, but he usually acts more mature than his childish ass and the digs at his age have been few and far in between since Yamagata passed...since the Capsules fell apart. Kai only manages to be annoyed by the comment.

Kei swats Kaneda over the head and pushes him against the wall next to Kai’s door, anger bursting across her face. Kaneda rubs at his head and tries to straighten to his full height and glare at Kei, but his gaze is unfocused and more squinted in what Kai would assume is pain than anger. Kai narrows his eyes at them and stifles a yawn suddenly behind his hand, unimpressed with their familiar antics. If they came all the way here to bother him, they're off to a good start.

“Cut it out Kaneda! I’ve had it with your bullshit attitude this week. I know things are tough for you right now, but that’s no excuse to treat your friends like garbage just to make yourself feel better!” Kei turns on Kai before Kaneda gears up to answer and ignores whatever he mumbles under his breath. It sounds suspiciously like “bitch” to Kai and now he kinda understands Kei's anger. He’s never stooped so low as to glare so fiercely at her while saying that. Kai is becoming more and more confused.

“I need to meet Chiyoko and the others, an emergency meetings been called. Some cultists have been gathering around the old stadium and rumor has it they’re planning something there during daylight. I can’t be dragging his drunk weight with me, he’ll only slow me down and annoy me to death before we’d arrive.” Kaneda snorts and pushes up from the wall and brushes past Kai into his dark apartment, cursing when he trips over something that clatters loudly. Kei’s eyes don’t leave his face, but the sharpness of her gaze wavers.

This is gonna be fun.

“Uh… so your first thought was to dump him on me? ” Kai's response is more of a statement than a question really. He's still kind of lost to this whole situation. It’s been a while since he’s seen Kaneda or Kei, though they’re practically a package deal now a days, and while he is glad to see them, always, part of him also feels bitter for being left out of their orbit for this long and suddenly be expected to so easily be pulled right back into it.

Ever since the distance started growing between Kai and Kaneda, and subsequently Kei too, he's dedicated more and more of his time to volunteering around the city doing odd jobs for people: moving rubble, cleaning up trash, helping deliver food. He does it in the hopes that maybe his dedicated efforts as one will equal out to the prior three. Kai hangs out at a friend of Joker’s shop in his spare time too and does his best to learn from the mechanic, but much of the slang Joker and his pals use still goes over his head. His habit of journaling and note taking has helped greatly though, a by product of an overactive brain and an inability to keep details oriented. Kaneda could probably benefit from that too.

Kaneda and Kei used to volunteer with him, used to stay over all the time and help at the local shelter down the block from Kai’s apartment, but when the power was restored to all the remaining blacked out city blocks and a semblance of order returned to the city, Kei’s Rebel group was quick to get in touch and reignite their cause. Kei didn’t really ask Kaneda to join her, or become what many call her right hand man, but he rose to the occasion better than anyone could have expected. Kai never got a formal invitation to join their ragtag team of rebels either, but he would have politely declined any how. He’s had enough action for a lifetime thank you very much, and he knows he wouldn't have filled any shoes as well as Kaneda could. No surprise there. He's not really bitter about it.

Kaneda is hard to pin down these days, becoming more of a myth than a real man, but where Kei is he’s not far off. She got him involved with many of the old resistance outposts that double as relief shelters, not quite done with their original purpose. As Kei said, there are still people praying to the dead and gone “Lord Akira”. They’re desperate enough to believe that someone with the power to take so much away, to cause so much devastation, can just as easily bring it all back.

If only it were that easy.

They’re relatively harmless, just a scattered group of vagabonds looking for some kind of purpose in this fucked up place, but sometimes they get a little too close to things they shouldn't. Sometimes they wind up in possession of objects that three years ago were dangerous in the wrong hands, fatal in the right ones. The remaining resistance members, as well as the spirited youth who join the cause daily, have taken it upon themselves to squash any and all attempts to get too close to something that can’t simply be reburied in rubble. The emergency meeting must be important.

Today is the third anniversary of Tetsuo’s death after all and cults tend to believe in the religious power of symbolic resurgence.  

Kei’s face softens as a light pours out suddenly from somewhere behind him, and her eyes follows suit as they both listen to Kaneda rifle around his fridge, probably looking for more booze. His attitude makes sense now that he's put two and two together, and Kai sighs again, sadly this time. He feels bad all of a sudden for being difficult.

“I’m sorry to come here like this Kai, with him, after we haven’t properly visited in a while...but I think it would be good for him to spend some time with an old friend. Maybe talk about whatever is making him want to drink himself unconscious with someone who can...better understand.”

Kai tries for a smile and it sort of works, despite feeling a little stiff on his face. He feel’s like there’s something else Kei isn’t telling him, another shoe that’s waiting to be dropped. There always is with these two.

Kei’s eyes narrow as the light from the fridge slowly shrinks and Kaneda moves onto his cupboards, opening and closing them a little too loudly for the time of night. Good think this floor of the building is mostly abandoned.  

“I don’t trust him alone right now.” She says lowly, and there it is. Kai can’t really blame her and also can't turn either of them away even if he wanted to so he sighs, again, and braces himself against the doorway.

“Yeah, I understand Kei, last year was pretty rough too. We got him through it though, and we, eh...I'll do it again. We always look out for each other after all.” Kei looks relieved by his words but far from consoled. Kaneda trips again in his apartment but looks to have stumbled into a lamp as a minute later light spills out behind him once again. It highlights the conflict on Kei’s face.

“Thank you. I’ll be back sometime in the early afternoon. I owe you one Kai.” He shakes his head at that and sends her a smile.

“No you don’t. He’d do the same for me if he had to. Be safe out there Kei and kick some Akiraist ass for us. ” Kei smiles softly and puts a hand on his shoulder for a moment before turning and walking briskly down the hallway, gone from his sight in just four paces. Leaving him alone with a moody drunk in his apartment.

Right, he should check in on that.

Kai closes the door and takes a moment to brace himself before he turns around into the living room, finds Kaneda sprawled on the futon, one leg hanging off the back, an arm over his eyes. His boots are kicked off haphazardly by the lamp and his jacket a makeshift pillow under his head. His other hand holds a bottle of liquor Kai didn’t even know he had. Leave it to Kaneda to sniff out any hidden spirits.

“Hey. Welcome. Make yourself at home, please I insist.” Kai intones dryly and settles into a sitting position on the floor, back against his makeshift coffee table. Kaneda grunts in reply.

“Long time no see Kaneda. I thought you said you weren’t gonna be a stranger?” Kaneda makes another noncommittal sound before throwing his arm from his face to take a swig of, what is that, aged whiskey? Why does Kai even have that?

“That’s gross, dude. How much have you had to drink today?” Kaneda’s reply is wet and rough.

“Not enough.” And Kai sighs. It had been pretty much the same last year.

The previous anniversary, Kai had met up with Kaneda by chance at some back alley bar downtown. They shared a drink or two (or three) before Kai had managed to coax Kaneda outside for a walk, after letting the numbing buzz of booze kick in of course. While Kai counted that as a win, Kaneda had been plastered at two in the afternoon and adamant against parting with the bottle of brandy he snatched from behind the counter when the barkeep turned his back. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t so successful in coaxing Kaneda to leave the bottle behind.

Any other day, he wouldn't have minded indulging in their old ways of competitive drinking, but something about the idea left a bad taste in his mouth that day. Whether from the memory of vomit or just the thought of who would always be seated by his side for drinking competitions, Kai can't say.

They exchanged laughs and jokes for a while, aimlessly walked through the poorly reconstructed streets before they wandered along the memorial wall of pictures pinned up in the wake of so many deaths.

An unprecedented amount.

Kai had felt nostalgic all day, a heavy feeling that sat in his gut and curbed his smiles a little, and wasn't really bothered to wind up there. His mother had always taught him to pay his respects to the dead anyhow so Kai once again talked Kaneda into a walk, this time along the memorial wall where there was nothing to look at but smiling faces frozen in happiness, endless notes displaying declarations of love and everlasting peace. Vases of flowers, new and old, lined the base of the wall along with a few stuffed animals and makeshift shrines. He had idly thought about how nice it would be to stumble upon the picture he left of him, Kaneda and Yamagata a year prior. That would be something nice to smile about.

The memorial stretched on for what felt like miles, but Kai walked the whole length of it regardless, nodding respectfully to those who passed him by, not noticing Kaneda’s growing silence or the way he had started to slow down in front of Kai. It was easy to get lost in the sea of faces. He had figured Kaneda was simply being contemplative, and well, Kai wasn't wholly wrong.

He was jolted out of his thoughts when he ran into Kaneda’s back and almost knocked over a vase full of wilted flowers trying to stay balanced.

“Let’s make a toast. To those who aren’t here today to drink with us.” 

Kaneda’s voice had been rough, almost choked, but Kai couldn’t see his face when he laughed a sour note, when he overturned his bottle of brandy carelessly onto the vase Kai almost broke with it’s sad, dying flowers. They still had meaning, a purpose though, something more grand than being doused in shitty booze. 

A significance in their decay.

“A toast to all those sorry bastards who died for nothin’.”

A meaning still in death.

Kai had stood frozen for a moment, not really comprehending what he was seeing, what he was hearing. Looked from the growing puddle of liquor at their feet, to the back of Kaneda’s loud jacket as he suddenly jolted into movement and tucked into an alley off to their left.  Kai didn’t move until the now empty bottle Kaneda had been holding smashed into the alley wall, breaking into shards of glimmering glass that crunched loudly under his feet. Kai startled and felt something unpleasant bubble hot under his skin, coil tight in his gut.

It was rage.

“What the fuck!” Kai had run after Kaneda when the cold disbelief drained from his body and the hot fury replaced it. He noticed, a little too late, the stagger to Kaneda’s step, the sluggishness in his pace. The tell tale signs of someone too far gone to care about their actions.

When Kai reached Kaneda, he had damn near tackled him in the back alley, furious and emboldened by his blatant disrespect, at being ignored, at the pain and anger that had been stewing within Kai for a little bit too long, released by the stupidity of Kaneda’s actions. He had thought that childishness was behind them.

“Kaneda! What the fuck was that? How could you be so disrespectful?” His voice had felt shrill in his ears, anger fueling the boldness in his words. Kaneda staggered under the weight of Kai’s body, but did not tip over. Only turned to glance at Kai over his shoulder before attempting to shrug off his hold and continue on but Kai held tight.

“Hey asshole! Stop ignoring me. What's your problem?” Kaneda’s shoulders had tensed at that and he spun suddenly on his feet, almost making himself and Kai topple over. His face was a mess of emotions and his breath reeked of brandy. Kaneda had always been taller than him, but now he absolutely towered over Kai, who recoiled slightly in disgust, slightly in discomfort.  

“My problem? All those dead people. My problem? Knowing who killed em. My problem? Playin a part in it!” Kai hadn’t seen Kaneda like that in a while, that angry and upset, that ready to pick a fight instead of end one. The snarl on his face was pure malice and his eyes burned with regret, glassy and shining with unshed tears that Kaneda wouldn't let himself cry. Kai was suddenly at a loss for words as Kaneda continued, looking right through him.

“Fuck! All those dead people. All the destruction. All by the hands of a fuckin power crazy kid, God...what’s my problem? Hah, what isn't my problem.” Kaneda’s voice dropped in volume, trailed off into a mumble as he turned and started walking away from Kai, who stood frozen in the middle of the alley. What had that been? Where the hell had that outburst come from?

“Kaneda…” Kai didn’t know what to say, didn’t know where to start dissecting that obvious cry for help. Not even in their first few weeks after the explosion had Kaneda been so volatile and bothered. Not noticeably.

“Kai."

Kaneda’s voice rung out loudly in response a moment later, fell hollow on his ears. Kaneda shoved his hands in his pockets, and paused for one moment longer, before continuing on. “Sorry for scaring ya. Don’t follow me. And don’t worry either. M’gonna be just fine.”

And Kai really didn’t know what else to do but listen and believe as Kaneda disappeared out the mouth of the alley. He wasn’t sure he would want to follow him anyway with the unpredictability of liquor fueled sadness up his sleeve. Kai went back to the memorial after a long moment of consideration and did his best to clean up the puddle of alcohol Kaneda left behind.

It was the least he could do.

The next day, Kaneda hadn’t really acted any differently than normal. Aside from complaining about a headache and sporting some new bruises on his knuckles that Kai didn’t dare to question him about, he was relatively the same happy go lucky, good natured guy he had always been. Kai was relieved, but couldn’t help but think that wouldn’t be the last time he saw that side of Kaneda.

He’s sad to know that he was right.

“I heard from Tanaka that you’ve started your own kiddy care center at the Old Town base camp.” Kai does his best to try and lighten the mood, both for his sake and Kaneda’s. Get their minds off the pressing matter, the elephant in the room. Small talk, he’s relatively good at that.

“I gotta say, I’m not surprised. You always have been the big brother type.” Kaneda snorts a little at that, and glances at him out of the corner of his eye. There’s a faint smile on his dry lips.

“Yeah...m’not always so good at the ‘let’s-get-down-to-business’ and stay on the topic of business thing. Annoys the hell outta Kei as you know, but I help where I can and they’re good kids.” Kai smiles and opens his mouth to make a dig about Kaneda goin' soft on him when he’s cut off as Kaneda keeps talking.

“There’s a kid there that reminds me of Tets...when he was younger. Real shy, real sweet. Got lots of hidden anger. Her mom died in a building collapse a few weeks back and I was the one who found her afterwards...she’s got no one else. She’s all alone now.”

Kai’s words get stuck in his throat, and he swallows hard around the lump they’ve formed there. Kaneda takes another swig of alcohol, and Kai watches as a drop slips out his mouth and through the stubble on his chin, along the column of his throat. It glimmers in the light and catches on his adams apple that bobs with long gulps. Kai's throat burns just watching.

“How long are you going to blame yourself?” The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them, but he doesn’t regret saying them. It’s a question that’s been on Kai’s mind for a while now, one that’s probably lingering somewhere in the back of Kaneda’s own. His mouth barrels on before his mind can stop him.

“It wasn’t your fault. We did all we could for him Kaneda. You know that right?” Kai isn’t really expecting an answer, or if anything a response in the quiet, subdued tone Kaneda uses. His arm is back to shielding his eyes.

“No, I don’t think we did.”

“Well, I think you’re stupid for believing that. And I think it's disrespectful to Tetsuo to say that too.” And maybe he regrets saying that a little bit, but Kai has recently become less and less afraid to say what’s on his mind. Less and less afraid to express himself and assert his opinion. Kaneda doesn’t look impressed though, by the piercing glare he suddenly sends Kai’s way, arm resting on his forehead now.

“And I think you don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin bout Kai. Now shaddup, I came here to crash not to do couch therapy.” Kai usually isn’t so quick to rile, so quick to rise to the bait, but he’s played this game of intimidation one too many times to simply back down. To simply let Kaneda have the last word here. The topic is too important to brush under the rug any longer.

“You didn’t come here to crash, you were brought here before you crashed. Which is what you’re doing! Crashing! And burning too by the looks of it! Kei didn’t trust you enough to leave you alone, and I don’t blame her. You’re acting like a dumb reckless baby.” And that really ruffles Kaneda’s feathers the wrong way. He shoots up like a jackknife, eyes furious and focused.

“What the fuck do you know about anything, huh? What do you know about Tetsuo? You never really liked him anyway, you and Yama always thought he was a lost cause or some shit. Who are you to suddenly tell me what I did and didn’t do for ‘im? Fuck that! Fuck you!” But Kai’s still not backing down. In fact, he stands up so he’s looking down on Kaneda, a position he’s rarely been in even after growing a few inches over the years.

It doesn’t feel as good as he thought it would.

“No Kaneda, fuck you! You can’t keep acting like what happened is your problem and yours alone. Like you’re the only one who has a right to be sad, to mourn. I miss him. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for what happened because of him. And I feel bad about what happened to him, but Kaneda, we did our damn best to help him! To help the whole town! What point is there in wallowing in the past when it’s behind us? You know? What point is there in blaming yourself for his death when it wasn’t your fault!”

Kai pauses for a minute and his chest is heaving. Kaneda is looking at him with wide eyes, clouded with an emotion Kai can’t really decipher. He pushes on and hopes Kaneda will hear him.

“Everything that happened three years ago to the day, Kaneda, it was out of your control. Not your fault. There were bigger forces at work the whole time, strings being pulled and moves being made that we couldn’t even begin to comprehend. Not your fault!  What is your fault is letting your sad, self deprecating emotions turn you bitter and unapproachable to your friends. It’s your fault for letting that anger and pain tear you apart and for letting it tear apart your friends too. I love you Kaneda, you’re my brother, you’re family and it sucks to see you so down right now but look around you man….you’re not the only one in pain. You’re living in a town trapped in anger and sadness, how much more do you want to keep contributing to that?”

After a long moment of silence between them, of intense unbroken eye contact, Kai turns away from Kaneda and heads towards the kitchen. He said his two cents, and if Kaneda is going to stonewall him and ignore what he has to say again, fine. So be it. He's dealt with that before. But Kai, unlike Kaneda, isn’t okay with holding onto those negative emotions until they tear him apart. He learned the consequences of that lesson a long time ago with his mother.

He fills up a cup with tap water and hears Kaneda clear his throat once, twice. “Kai…” Kaneda’s voice calls weakly to him from the living room, sounding worn and older than it is. “Did I ever tell you how I met Tetsuo?” He hasn’t .

“You haven’t.” He takes a big drink and waits a beat before making his way back towards the living room. Kaneda is still sitting up, but his head is cradled in his hands, shoulders slumped in defeat. Kai sits this time with his back against the futon, shoulder flush with Kaneda’s leg. Kai can feel a tremor run under Kaneda’s skin.

“We were kids when we met in some shitty school orphanage. He came a week or so after I did and I guess I didn’t really notice him at first, or care bout him. But one day...I saw some kids giving him a hard time. Pushing him around, laughing at him, calling him names. They stole his only toy and laughed when he cried. Real jerks those kids. The worst part though was how he didn’t even fight back. Just let em knock him around and push his buttons.” Kai listens in silence, gaze fixed on the glass in his hands.

Is it half empty or half full?

“I didn’t understand why he just let it happen until I saw his face, cause I sure as hell wouldn’t have let those jerks have their fun with me when I first showed up but...He looked so hopeless. He was such a sad kid, Kai, like...all his anger and all his pride, swap that with sadness and insecurity. I’m sure you saw it, he was shit at hiding his true feelings despite how tough he always acted...so childish.

“And I don’t know, I just...got so angry, seeing how little he cared to stand up for himself and how the kids just jumped on that weakness like a pack a wild dogs. I kicked their collective asses and got Tetsuo’s toy back for him. Took him under my wing after that and then we were Kaneda and Tetsuo, rulers of the playground…Kaneda and Tetsuo, founders of the Capsules. Kaneda and Tetsuo, brothers till the end...somethin in me just always wanted to protect him, cause he was so bad at doin it himself. I told him as much and he was glad for it at first, started to resent my help as we grew up though. I think he felt I was looking down on him or somethin', but I just...couldn’t help but want to protect that stupid, sad, reckless kid I always saw in him, crying all alone on the playground. Lookin like he needed help but not knowing how to ask.”

Kai still keeps quiet. Some part of him had always thought Kaneda and Tetsuo were actually brothers, or maybe cousins at the least despite not really looking alike. Their kinship and familiarity stemmed into something deeper than just friends, a fierce affection that Kaneda expressed in overzealous jokes and jibes, that Tetsuo showed in tolerant indignation and annoyance. Kai only understands it now, having a similar relationship himself with Kaneda. And he can kind of understand too where Tetsuo’s anger came from.

Kaneda is a great guy. Goofy, sure, carefree, considerably, but he is fiercely loyal and more clever than anyone gives him credit for. A natural born leader with his charisma, he’s always been destined for great things despite preferring to pop pills and joke around.

That’s where some of the anger comes into play.

Someone like Kaneda, someone who naturally exudes confidence and a strong presence, who makes standing up for himself look natural and effortless, he’s the kinda person Kai would be jealous of if he didn’t admire him so much, if he wasn’t lucky enough to call him family. Tetsuo always had a hard time being open, holding connections. Trusting that kindness wasn’t fueled by pity, and jokes weren’t sincere. Kai can imagine very well how hard it might have been feeling perpetually trapped in someone's else’s shadow, especially one as large as Kaneda's.

Kaneda sniffs suddenly and shakes his head within the cradle of his hands, rakes his fingers through his hair a few times before laughing wetly.

“Stupid Tetsuo, always causing me problems. Always leaving me to clean up after him even beyond the grave.” And Kai kinda cracks a smile at that one, glances up at Kaneda and blanches at what he sees. From his spot on the floor, he has a perfect view of Kaneda’s wrecked face.

There’s an impression of a smile on his lips, twisted into more of a grimace than anything. His eyes shine with tears that drip onto the floor like a waterfall, like rain in the desert after years of a brutal drought. He laughs again, or tries to, but it turns into a bitter sob that knocks him back into the futon with a sound of defeat.

Kai would normally jump up to offer comfort and words of reassurance at the sight of a friend in pain, but he’s sensed this coming for a long time now. Kei must have too. While surprising, it’s also completely expected and Kai knows that Kaneda is the type who needs to ride it out, needs to get to the bottom of his well of untapped emotions to move on from them. So he politely looks away as Kaneda proceeds to lose his usually cool composure and sits in silence as his heart aches for his friend.

For his friends.

“Fuck, I hate him Kai. I fuckin hate him. What a piece of work, a dumb fuckin asshole! I hope he’s rolling over in his grave right now, hope he hears me talking shit bout him from the great beyond. Because he's the worst ! A dumb, selfish, egotistical maniac! God, I’ll be living with his reckless messes for the rest of my life and he just got a free pass. Got a goddamn one way ticket far away from this shit circus of a town that he fucked halfway to hell. Left it all behind like it was the easiest thing, like it all meant nothing. What a jerk!” Kaneda is in near hysterics thanks to the combined liquor and outpouring of repressed emotions, caught between a mix of yelling, laughing, and crying. A truly impressive feat, if Kai says so himself.

“All those night we stayed up late talkin’ about how we were gonna change the world, how we were gonna, fuck, fix this broken town not-not break it beyond repair! In the end there wasn’t even a we anymore, not even an us. Just a -just him. Just Tetsuo. All that mattered to him in the end was his stupid, dumb self. Pathetic, he never even liked himself, that’s why I was there!”

Kai hands him his glass of water silently after Kaneda’s rant reaches an intermission and he downs it in three gulps. Takes a minute, thankfully, to dry his eyes and get control over his breathing. Kai just sits next to Kaneda and leans a little more heavily against his leg. Thinks about how weird it is to hear Kaneda sound so torn over someone leaving him behind for once. Kaneda’s scratchy voice speaks softly by his head.

“Fuck that... fuck him. Stupid cry baby bastard, can’t believe I had an ungrateful brat like that as my friend…but fuck, I still miss him sometimes Kai. Sometimes...sometimes I wan’t him back.” Kai sighs for what feels like the millionth time that night, but it’s equal parts sadness and equal parts relief. The air around them feels different suddenly, somber now instead of stifled.

Kai get’s where Kaneda is coming from, maybe not fully but well enough. He didn’t know a lot about Tetsuo before he became a wrecking ball to the town, didn't know much beyond what Kaneda would tell him or what Tetsuo himself would let slip when he was too drunk to know any better. He knows that Tetsuo was never all bad though, never quite the type Yamagata pegged him as either despite the shit he did, even to Yamagata himself.

Tetsuo too was a victim to something greater than himself, to a power larger than the confines of his earthly body. It’s taken a while to forgive his friends indiscretions and while Kai will never forget them, he thinks it’s past time to really start healing from them.

“So do I Kaneda.” Kai whispers the admission softly, almost hesitant to feel the things he does for a friend he too sometimes thinks he failed. “I know we never got along as well as the two of you, but I cared about him all the same and sometimes I wish things had gone differently. But what happened, happened, and I think he’s in a better place now, and us, we’re making the best out of what we’ve got...which, might I remind your stubborn ass, is each other.”

Kai picks himself up off the ground and plops down on the futon next to Kaneda, feeling a fatigue wash over him and settle bone deep. Kaneda radiates heat like a furnace and kinda smells bad, but his eyes are dry now, albeit puffy and red. His gaze is far away, stuck somewhere in the past, but he nods his head idly in response to Kai’s statement because they both know it's true. That sentiment has been the core of the Capsules since day one, ‘look out for our own, take care of our own: we’re all we’ve got’.

Always. No doubt about it.

“You look like you’ve got pink eye.” He says instead of just about anything else he probably should say, once again to lighten the mood, and Kaneda’s lips twitch before blooming into a wry smile.

“Well yea, I did just cry my heart out to you.” Kai can’t fight a smile either.

“Yup, just like a dumb reckless baby. No wonder the two of you got along so well, you weren’t so different after all. ” And Kaneda finally laughs something that doesn’t sound horribly bitter and sad.

They spend most of the night catching up and retelling stories about their childhood days, reveling in the golden light of the past. The usual hesitance to mention Tetsuo’s name is gone from their mouths, and they freely talk about all the stupid shit they did together, all the drunken times they had, all the recklessly childish things they honestly don’t know how they got away with. Kaneda maybe cries again once or twice, but Kai joins in and it’s a free for all of feelings, a cathartic visit for the both of them.

They collapse the futon and fall asleep right around the time the sun rises, and Kai doesn’t wake up on his own for once. The weight of another body settling on the futon jolts him into consciousness and he’s only slightly confused at the shy smile Kei sends him as she slips off her shoes and sets her coat on the floor. It’s a sight that’s very familiar to him despite having spent months alone in this apartment and he automatically scoots over some to make more room for Kei.

“You didn’t answer when I knocked, so I decided to let myself in.” Kai nods at her answer because it sounds plausible enough and he’s had worse people break into his apartment before. She stretches before lying down next to Kai, making him feel like a sardine squeezed in tightly between Kaneda’s back and Kei’s side. Kaneda snores suddenly and mumbles something in his sleep that sounds like “udon” to him and Kei rolls her eyes as Kai stifles a yawn, still closer to being asleep than awake.

“How did the meetin' go?” Kei hums to acknowledge she heard him before closing her eyes and sighing out her nose. She doesn’t respond for a long moment, but he doesn’t press it.

“Let’s talk about it later. Maybe over dinner?” Kai nods slowly. It must be the afternoon already if the light peeking in from the still closed curtains is any indication. Kei did say she would return around mid day. With the way she’s melting into the futon aside him, and Kaneda is snoring lightly on the other side of him, Kai imagines they won’t be moving until dinner time anyway.

“Sounds good....I can make udon ramen.” Kei hums again, and out of his peripheral he can see a slow smile spread on her face.

“Kaneda’s been talking about your ramen for months...I really am sorry we haven't been around lately.” If Kai weren’t so tired he would shrug, but his eyelids are getting heavier by the minute. If Kaneda is like a furnace, Kei is like a burning star, hotter than the sun. He’s starting to feel okay with being a sardine between these two.

“No worries. It was nice to catch up. Think we both needed to get some things off our chests anyway.”  

Kai can hear the smile in Kei’s voice as she says softly, “Thank you, Kai. You’re really an amazing friend.”

Kai smiles back even though she’s probably not looking and responds, “Yeah, I am pretty great aren’t I?”

Kei’s pealing laughter (and Kaneda’s quiet snore of agreement) is the last thing he remembers hearing before falling back asleep.

[aion-rsa]

15 SNES Games That Deserve a Sequel

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The SNES isn’t just the greatest Nintendo console of all-time: it’s the home of a truly impressive collection of classic games, underrated gems, and, for our purposes today, a shocking number of games that never got the sequel they deserved.

While you can usually list the business reasons why certain games don’t get sequels, that does little to diminish fans’ desires for more of a particular experience or even a second chance to get things right. In the case of some of these games, fans have been holding their breath for quite a long time.

Before we dive into this look at SNES games begging for a sequel, please note that while we will mostly focus on games that never got a sequel, a few of these titles did get underwhelming sequels that missed the mark or otherwise haven’t been revisited in over 20 years.

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15. The Adventures of Batman and Robin

While I actually slightly prefer the Genesis version of this game, this underrated SNES gem was still a Konami beat-em-up made at the peak of that studio’s efforts in that genre. Even better, it was based on arguably the best Batman adaptation of all time: Batman: The Animated Series. 

So why did this never get a sequel? It certainly wasn’t perfect, and Konami may have struggled to retain the rights, but given how much the company’s TMNT games improved over time, it’s hard not to wonder what Konami could have done if they had been allowed to expand upon this brilliant marriage of an expertly adapted world and nearly airtight gameplay.

14. Saturday Night Slam Masters

This game did technically get a sequel, but that title never officially made it out of Japan and also made some drastic changes that made the series more of a 2D fighting game. It was actually quite good, but it didn’t reach the heights of the original.

After all, Saturday Night Slam Masters balanced a fascinating mixture of fighting games and wrestling games that was compelling enough at the time but may bring a generation raised on increasingly stale WWE games to tears. This is quite simply one of the most entertaining wrestling games ever made. 

13. Super Star Wars Trilogy

This entry is a bit of a cheat since it not only combines three games in one entry but arguably ignores the fact that we’ve obviously gotten quite a few Star Wars games since these were released. Still, what I really want is a new trilogy of games that mimics the gameplay and style of these brutally difficult classics. 

Whether they’re based on the prequel trilogy, sequel trilogy, or tell entirely original stories, I’d love for a modern developer (probably someone in the Devolver Digital family) to make a modern Super Star Wars game that leaves you wanting to throw your controller through the window and enjoying every minute of it. 

12. Mario Paint

While Nintendo has made other strange games that emphasized player’s creative input (Mario Maker is probably the most notable recent example), they’ve never really properly revisited this Super Mario spin-off that showed Nintendo fans everywhere there was an artist inside of them.

Mario Paint may be simple by today’s standards, but that’s all the more reason for Nintendo to upgrade what was essentially an educational game that mastered the “gamify” concept long before that really became a talking point in the industry. 

11.  U.N. Squadron

The SNES wasn’t exactly lacking in worthwhile shooters, but there was always something special about U.N. Squadron. Granted, it was tough as nails, but the game’s upgrade system, visuals, and incredible level design typically made it easy to put up with the frustrations. 

Capcom is always talking about revisiting and reviving its back catalog, so why not release an “indie-style” sequel to this cult classic that’s always deserved another look?

10. Skyblazer

This largely forgotten gem from the SNES era shows just how spoiled we were at that time for these kinds of experiences. 

After all, Skyblazer was a game that combined great visuals, a killer soundtrack, puzzle-solving, platforming, and intense side-scrolling action, and few people ever actually played it. A simple re-release of this underrated classic would be more than I could hope for, but truth be told, my heart cries out for an admittedly unlikely sequel.

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9. Sunset Riders

Long before Red Dead Redemption offered arguably the definitive Western gaming experience, one of the most enjoyable ways to take a trip to that era was this run-and-gun side-scroller shooter that failed to really make a name for itself despite having so much going for it. 

Sunset Riders‘ old west setting carries a lot of this game’s weight, but it’s really this shooter’s gameplay (which feels like a combination of Contra and a light gun shooter) that makes you wonder how it spent so many years in relative obscurity. A sequel would go a long way towards helping to ensure this game gets the love it deserves. 

8. Weaponlord

It felt like every developer was trying to make the next great fighting game in the ‘90s. While most of those efforts fell well short of being the next Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter, the decade’s onslaught of subpar efforts meant that a few fighting games never got the chance they deserved. 

Weaponlord was one of those games. Sometimes referred to as the spiritual predecessor to Soul Edge/Soul Calibur, this weapon-based fighting game complemented its shockingly deep gameplay with a unique art style that stands out to this day. It wasn’t perfect, but it’s so easy to imagine how a sequel could have fixed nearly all of this game’s flaws.

7. Uniracers

A racing game about unicycles is strange enough, but what really sets this game apart is its surprising speed and wacky courses that emphasize almost “stunt-like” racing and tricks. I even kind of love this game’s weird ‘90s attitude. 

There was just so much more that could have been done with this concept had Uniracers gotten the sequel it deserved. Since its developer DMA Design (now known as Grand Theft Auto developer Rockstar North) clearly isn’t doing anything these days, I don’t see why they wouldn’t revisit this one. 

6. Secret of Evermore

It’s easy to get this game confused with Secret of Mana and some of the other titles of this era, but Secret of Evermore truly was a special piece of action RPG design that has been tragically overlooked over the years for reasons that have little to do with the game’s quality. 

At a time when many fans were looking for a Secret of Mana sequel, Secret of Evermore offered a somewhat similar but distinctly different gaming experience that was a little slower, a little stranger, and a little more complicated, but arguably never got the chance it deserved to really carve its own identity and find an audience. I think modern gamers would be more receptive to this title’s ideas, though it would be a lot easier to confirm that theory if we got a sequel.

5. Kirby’s Dream Course

Kirby’s Dream Course is one of those games that I feel was both hurt and helped by its license. While this project’s association with Kirby probably inspired more people to play what essentially amounts to a combination of golf and puzzle games (think Marble Madness), a lot of young gamers who took a chance on this thinking it was closer to a traditional Kirby game were left throwing their hands up in the air. 

Years later, though, it’s easier than ever to appreciate what Dream Course is going for. This almost zen-like experience challenges you to use your brain to solve its most fiendish puzzles but keeps things light enough to encourage you to progress even when you hit a wall. Even if an eventual sequel was nothing more than a mobile game, Dream Course is more than worthy of another look.

4. Illusion of Gaia

Illusion of Gaia was one of those SNES games that not everybody owned, but those who did own it typically wouldn’t shut up about it. To be fair to those sometimes persistent gamers, it’s kind of hard to forget about Illusion of Gaia once you’ve given it a chance. 

Though perhaps best described as an ARPG, Illusion of Gaia is actually sometimes closer to a more complicated take on a classic Legend of Zelda game. Its incredible world, surprising plot, fun action, and unique action/adventure concepts made it easy to love, hard to forget, and surprisingly difficult to play. While part of an unofficial trilogy of games, this one has always deserved a proper sequel. 

3. Super Mario RPG

While the Paper Mario series and some of the Mario & Luigi games eventually carried on Super Mario RPG’s legacy, you’ve got to forgive fans who still cry out for a “proper” Super Mario RPG sequel to this day. Maybe that’s because there’s really not another game quite like Super Mario RPG. 

Developed by SquareSoft during their 16-bit peak, Super Mario RPG combined the better elements of a Final Fantasy game with the more lighthearted nature of a Mario title. The result was an RPG that was much more “accessible” than other notable RPGs of this era but never left you feeling like you were playing a lesser game. At the very least, a Super Mario RPG sequel may be the only way that we get more Geno adventures. 

2. Demon’s Crest

There’s a loose rumor that Demon’s Crest‘s sales were so bad that it actually registered negative sales at one point due to an excessive number of returns. It may be little more than an urban legend, but it kind of goes to show you just how poorly this game performed when it was released. 

To this day, I’m not sure why Demon’s Crest wasn’t an instant hit. It was a bit short and some of its design elements were somewhat confusing, but this lovely gothic action title combined Castlevania and Mega Man in a way that is so easy to fall in love with. It’s the kind of game that practically begged for a sequel that it just never got. 

1. Chrono Trigger

While I’m actually a fan of 1999’s Chrono Cross, I understand why many fans don’t like it. I believe Kotaku once called it a great game and a bad sequel, which really kind of sums up some of the ways that game distinguished itself while seemingly ignoring so many of the ways the classic original made a name for itself as one of the best RPGs ever. 

So yes, count me among the many who still wants a “proper” Chrono Trigger sequel to this day. While there are plenty of reasons to doubt that a modern Chrono Trigger game could replicate the ways that this game’s “dream team” of developers made it arguably the best JRPG of the golden era of JRPGs, it’s almost impossible to walk away from this one and not be left wishing for more. 

The post 15 SNES Games That Deserve a Sequel appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[bryyo-data]

Diaries of a Pirate Hussar

Log Entry 1

Well, I've finished training and today they're gonna give me a beast. Also, I broke my personal records device. The one I stole off Captain Brules a cycle ago. Oh well, I'm missing it more than he ever did. Luckily I managed to get hold of a new one today- the respect you get as a rider is glorious! They'll just give you this stuff.

They've captured a new bunch of Korakk Beasts, all younglings fresh for training. I've gotta get mine into shape and then we'll be patrolling down by the jungle generator, I think. Supposedly it won't take long- they're loyal beasts, but dumb as shit. Dangerous, mind, but dumb. Kinda reminds me of Brules, now I think about it.

Log Entry 2

I met up with my beast yesterday. He's a weird looking thing. I mean, I haven't seen that many Korakks, but this one has this straggly look about him. And he just doesn't sit still. It's gonna take us the rest of the year to get the armour on him.

Wish I could say he took to me like the Velbop in that old story they used to tell us as youngsters. Nah, he threw a hissy fit when I tried to get near him and knocked my lance out of my hand. Could've been trampled. But I'll persevere. It'd be cowardly to back out now. This is my beast and I will tame him.

Log Entry 3

Beast taming is not going well. Somehow he managed to put a dent in the walls of his pen, because he was thrashing around so much and acting like an idiot. Then he sat in the corner and made whimpering noises all evening. It pisses me off because I saw Hussar 15 go off with her beast into the jungle, and she's only had it for ten days! It's not like I'm expecting instantaneous results here, but I can't even get the thing to sit still for five minutes so I can get on its stupid head.

Log Entry 4

Two week's worth of training finally paid off. I managed to get onto his head today. Then I sat myself down in what we like to call the driver's seat, and away I went! Flying through the sky because the freakish creature bucked me off. Then I was nearly trampled by it, and let me tell you, there's absolutely nothing fun about a Korakk running at you at high-speed while you're incapacitated on the floor.

Having been, ahem, rescued by a few of my colleagues, I set about putting a complaint in to command. Clearly there's something wrong with this one. With the amount of time we've spent on it, it should be as cooperative as the rest of them. I suspect Phazon madness, because you see more of that stuff growing around every day. Nearly stepped in a blob of it before- could've melted my leg off!

Log Entry 5

We had Commando 68 take a look at it, but the beast has been given the all-clear. He beat the thing pretty harshly into shape- it wasn't nice to watch. In fact, I feel a bit sorry for inflicting that on the stupid thing now. It looked awfully subdued afterward. I felt so bad that I went out and caught a Nightbarb for it- the normal ones, not those Phazon weirdo mutants. Seemed pleased enough.

Tomorrow they're going out to round up a couple more beasts, aiming to catch at least three of four of them if they can. I was gonna volunteer to help, but they want us to go mounted, and that probably ain't a good idea. Either I'll end up dead, or my beast will.

Log Entry 6

I've been sneaking rations to my beast. He's starting to look fatter, but that's okay because he was skinny to start with. Now he just looks normal.

It's fine, I can afford it. We're well paid in our position. It's a dangerous job handling Korakks, given their size and strength, so we're compensated. It takes someone like 68 to really know how to handle them- I still ain't too pleased with his methods, but he's the expert so I won't question it. But he's not handling my beast. I am, so from now on I'm handling things the way I want to.

Also, I decided on a name for him. I'm calling him Pod. It's short for "my brain is the size of a Wryl Bean Pod and I'm stupid" because he is.

Log Entry 7

Hussar 11 caught me sneaking Nightbarb wings to Pod and told me it was dangerous. Said I "wouldn't be the first to get devoured by my Korakk if I associate myself with food". I feel a bit bad stopping now because he always looks forward to them, but oh well. I prefer my head.

We rode around a bit today and he's actually taking a liking to me. Well, I hope so anyway, maybe it's just the snack thing. Maybe he's gonna toss me off and eat me. Hopefully not.

Log Entry 8

Today I'm confident enough to take Pod out on duty. We've had some worrying reports coming from the north and Command aren't risking anything. It sounds like the Federation are getting suspicious. I'm surprised they haven't turned up sooner if I'm honest, Norion's only, like, a planet away.

We're just trying to get the Phazite armour on Pod now. He's a bit hesitant, but I think if we- oh, bugger.

Log Entry 9

We got the armour on Pod. He took it off again. Commencing attempt two.

Log Entry 10

Great, Pod just inflicted a fatal wound on Hussar 18. They had to drag him off. Won't be seeing him again. Didn't like him much anyway, he was a- POD

Log Entry 11

Pod somehow got OVER the pen walls, found a few storage barrels, and is eating weapons fuel. I really don't wanna go near him because of the whole food-association thing... Man, his tongue's huge... I didn't even realise they were that big... Oh damn, those guys have weapons. They're gonna shoot Pod. I gotta do something.

Log Entry 12

So I managed to drag Pod away from the weapons fuel and somehow convinced my superiors that he's a really nice Korakk Beast and it won't happen again. He's actually an idiot and he's going to ruin my reputation, but I still feel bad about what 68 did and now we've bonded so I have to look out for him. We got out on duty within good enough time, and nothing interesting happened. Now I'm sitting on Pod's back while he paces up and down this stretch of path non-stop because he can't sit still for two minutes.

I guess his energy levels are a good thing?

We did spot a few of those reptiles who live on Bryyo, and I swear one of them was riding a Korakk too. But they vanished into thin air the moment we got up there. They like to lurk behind those giant thorn plants, waiting for the opportune moment to strike. At least I have Pod to protect me.

Log Entry 13

Pod caused a little bit more strife. He got into a fight with one of the other Korakks, and things got nasty. I mean, Korakks are nasty beasts anyway, so two of them locked in a deathmatch is brutal. Next thing you know there's Korakk blood-goo everywhere and claws waving wildly in the air. Me and the other Korakk's rider managed to get well out of the way in time, but we couldn't call the beasts off each other. Pod managed to rip the other one's tongue out and then was making jabs at its belly. That could've killed it.

Lucky a few aerotroopers showed up. They managed to distract Pod from the safety of above while we climbed away and the other terrified animal made a run for it. Luckier still, you can't reach a Korakk's stomach from above, and that's the vulnerable point. Those guys would've killed Pod for sure if they could.

Log Entry 14

Pod and I have been removed off duty due to disciplinary issues. Commando 68 isn't best pleased with my efforts. I guess he was right? And I was starting to think me and Pod were pretty tight.

There's been a couple more attacks on the jungle base by those lizards, and apparently the gel plant area is having major problems with them as well. At least our glorious Leader has sent a new Commander to help us sort them out while our technicians finish up the generator defences.

In the meantime, I dunno what I'm gonna do. I've been accused of being "too soft" which is just about the worst reputation-tarnisher a Pirate can get. Too soft means not ruthless enough for battle. Unable to battle means unable to serve the Pirate forces. If I get struck off, I'll be shipped back to Urtraghus and have my head put in a drone 'til the end of my days. I'd rather not.

Log Entry 15

Me and Pod have been sent to a quieter location down south. There's less for him to get angry at there, and so the both of us are safer, as is everyone else. We're basically just keeping the reptiles at bay from down here, but most of them are coming from the north anyway. It's not particularly entertaining.

I've been a bit stricter with Pod- haven't talked to him much, or picked bugs off the thorn bushes for him. I even jabbed him in the side at one point when he was misbehaving. He nearly threw me- won't be doing that again. I felt bad doing it, but security is paramount, and the only way he's gonna keep going is if he learns to behave himself.

Log Entry 16

Some of those Bryyonian lizards dared to get close to us today. I could tell Pod was on edge for a while, then suddenly one of the things lunged at his face. Couldn't get past his armour, but it was a shock. Needless to say, he dashed the thing to the ground and it was a pulp in seconds.

I signalled to a couple of the ground guards and they pretty much took care of the rest. A few more lizards jumped through the bushes but they were basically leaping into weapons fire. It almost feels like some sort of weird test. They can't be that intelligent, they're brutish and their planet's soaked in Phazon.

Pod wasn't too shaken by the assault, but he had taken a very small wound to his right leg. It must've been hurting him because he didn't move about too much afterward, which is uncharacteristic. He even let me clean it up afterwards. I don't know if he's forgiven me for the harsh treatment, but I'm gonna have to admit it- I'm not cut out for that. I'm too nice or whatever. From now on, it's bugs as often as I can catch them.

Log Entry 17

68 noted today that I've been working hard on Pod. I dunno what I've been doing that he's noticed, but he was pleased. Said the guards on the south end were impressed, partly because I managed to control Pod enough to prevent him from killing them too. I still think that was something to do with his leg, but oh well, I'll take the praise.

I know what I haven't been doing, and that is harsh treatment. You simply can't do that to them. They get annoyed, and you end up dead if you aren't careful. Treat 'em nice, and they love it. Today Pod followed me around while I was on foot, didn't ignore me, didn't try to eat me, just followed me around like a faithful Velbop. It was- dare I say this about my killer beast? It was adorable.

I hope nobody reads my diary.

Log Entry 18

Those lizards made a full-scale assault on us today. I was out towards the east near the generator with a couple of other Hussars, and suddenly we were surrounded by them. Some of them were huge, bulky things which turned invisible the minute you looked at them. The rest had these animals, Warp Hounds, which could teleport with them. Horrible things, they were. I saw a trio of hounds tear the limbs off someone's Korakk. The rider had a lucky quick death after that.

Pod handled it well- kept his stomach shielded, just like he was trained to do, and didn't falter once, even when one of those reptiles grabbed hold of his tongue. Korakks have sensitive tongues and it hurts to pull on 'em, but Pod managed to yank the reptile over and crush it. I also managed to coax him into spitting Phazon, which isn't something he generally likes to do because it burns his mouth on the way out. It worked well, though. Not exactly hypermode-PED levels of power, but I was impressed.

Near the end of the battle I got knocked off by one of those lizards' throwing weapons. I landed near the holobarrier, and the electric shock disabled all my limbs. Ruddy things. What amazed me was Pod stuck around and shielded me the whole time, standing over me to keep me from harm. At first I thought he was gonna trample me by accident, but I could tell he was being deliberately careful with where he put his feet.

After the battle, I was taken in for repairs, which is where I still am. Supposedly I'll be out tomorrow and back on duty. I'm a lucky one. About half the guards over there are lying dead in the mud now, plus two Korakks. Those lizards really know how to beat them.

Log Entry 19

I've come out of repairs and all my limbs are good to go. This is what happens when you don't evolve your own legs like most other species, you're transformed into a useless slug when the technology inevitably fails. Not even like I could crawl away with all the heavy metal stuck to me and pinning me down. But hey, I had Pod to look after me, and even if it did take a little coaxing for him to let the guards get to me, he did a good job.

Bad news from the north- the Hunter Samus Aran has made planetfall. And here we were thinking she was dead or something. She's never dead, she comes back faster than Lord Ridley. Well, bugger, we're dead.

Except we can't afford to be dead, because Command are insistent that we beat her this time. We have Phazon on our sides, and Phazon makes us stronger. Our Leader makes us stronger, with Phazon. Nothing's going to go wrong, okay?

Log Entry 20

Me and Pod have been reassigned again, this time to the way between the generator and the nearest viable landing site. It's a pretty vital path if the Hunter wants to get down to us, but Commando 68 is confident that we can handle it. Apparently you need a "wild, unpredictable beast" to take down something as dangerous as the Hunter. Apparently, to no surprise, a "wild, unpredictable beast" is how they're referring to Pod these days. No worries, I've got a handle on him.

I really hope the Hunter isn't gonna come down this way, if I'm honest. There's other ways to the generator, albeit longer ones- wouldn't it be ridiculous of her to place her ship so close to us? She's probably got the sense to make her way down from the cliff region instead. Maybe, maybe not.

Oh well, no good panicking about it now. I'm not a coward and I'm not disobeying orders. As much as I like Pod, his duty is the same as mine- we go in together, and if we die, we die. Whether we do or not, hopefully we'll stop the Hunter in the process.

At least it's a good spot down here, near the densest part of the jungle. There's bugs galore! I keep catching them out of the air and sneaking them to Pod. Tried a few myself, but they get stuck between my teeth. So I'll just give them to him for now. He seems pretty happy with himself.

That's a funny looking ship up there. Don't recognise that one. Maybe it's a Federation vessel, or the Hunter? I'd better investigate, I think I can see some rising smoke. Thought I heard a funny loud noise too. Didn't spook Pod, though. If I leave my records device up here, I hope nobody makes off with it, or there'll be hell to pay.

-- Records end here --

[fureniku]

The return of my blog or something idk

Looks like in my last blog I said I’d not post my semi-private stuff here, only to a private blog.

Honestly, I can’t remember the name of the private blog; let alone the login/password. I think I only made one post there, to zero followers, and kind of lost the point of doing it. So fuck it, lets just go back to being here.

Days since last post: 614 Todays date: 30th September 2019 Start time: 20:39

Well, I guess we have some catching up to do.

I don’t know how many people on here were following me before. So, I guess I’ll start with a sum-up. My previous blog was just me ranting about anxiety/depression related things. It was a good platform for me to vent my thoughts without real life friends knowing; I had a few RL friends who followed it which was great as they could give me some support, but most of them didn’t know about the blog, which was also great as they then didn’t know a side of me I’d generally prefer to keep private. That blog was deleted in early January 2018, when the drummer from my then-band found it. I had made some comments about my frustrations in the band which were true, and I stand by them - but naturally it caused drama. I deleted the account, and instantly regretted it - I only had maybe 50 followers, but now I have two, so yeah.  Life since then has been... chaotic. Not specifically in a bad way, just a lot of things happened. When the blog ended I was; - Single - Playing guitar in a band - Working a dead-end job in a Warehouse - Had no ambition/drive to progress life

Three of those things have since changed; I’m still single (not for lack of trying but whatevs). I guess I’ll cover a timeline? Jan 2018: I deleted my old blog, and made this one, and a second one with a more secretive/anon name. I made a couple of posts on each, then abandoned it. Instead, I started relying mostly on just one friend to help me. May 2018: I got a new job, working for a games developer. It literally changed my life. Anxiety/depression started to clear up a lot, things just generally improved. June/July-ish 2018: I left my band. There was an argument about the fact another band was using our space for free, after we had offered it to them at a split rate and they declined. I instigated the argument, other members didn’t see eye to eye with me, so I quit. It was a final nail in the coffin kind of thing, but it was certainly the healthy thing to do. The whole situation had been kind of toxic for a little while, but I now get on just fine with all of them - I think if I had stayed much longer, that might not be the case. Our vocalist left very shortly after me as well - I don’t know the reasons why, but it seems the terms were... less happy.

September 2018: I started taking Japanese classes. Met a girl, had a crush on her for a bit, it didn’t go anywhere as usual. No biggie.

December 2018: Depression came back a bit, as it always does around then. Not much I can do about it so I just power through.

February 2019: I got made redundant from work. I was cool with it, I could see it coming for a while and there was like 12 other people too, my boss had fought hard to keep me but the game wasn’t doing so well, so I totally get it. I got a nice redundancy pay (which they by no means had to give me, so I’m super grateful). I applied for a job with another studio; quite a big one called Jagex. They were far from me so it would’ve involved moving and stuff, so quite scary. I made it to the final stages, but didn’t get it.

I now had a fair lump of cash (I had been saving for a house anyway), but not quite sure what to do with it. Followers of my previous blog can probably guess what I decided to spend it on...

April 2019: I went back to Japan! My mental-health-reset trip mark 2. I spent about two and a half weeks there (despite fucking up and accidentally buying a ticket to return mid-may... whoops). I got detained in China on my way home too but that’s a whole other story (it was all sorted and fine in the end).

While in Japan, I had time to clear my head and think. I decided I wanted to go back to university, so started thinking about how that would work. Here in the UK, we get a student loan to pay for university. It’s a bit complicated, but the way it works is you get your course length plus one year of funding. The day you set foot on campus, you use one year of funding. Now, I had already been to university previously - I studied music production. Totally dead industry, I dropped out about three weeks into my second year. That meant, I only had course length minus one year’s funding left available. So I have to pay the first year of university myself. At a cool £9,250.

My dad agreed to pay one term, so one third of that. I managed to save up another terms worth by working over the summer. I’m sat in my uni dorm right now, still not quite sure how I’ll pay for the third term... but I’ve got 6 months to figure that one out.

May 2019: I returned to my original job, back in the warehouse. Picking and packing sacks of bird food, so much fun. My mental health naturally slipped again, although everyone was really friendly to me while before it was kinda like I didn’t exist, so that was nice.

Around this time, I also joined an Overwatch team. It was a pretty big team with maybe 14-15 members, it was cool to make some new friends. Except one guy, was a dick. This OW stuff is like a whole side story from hereon... Anyway, I said to my squad leader (We’ll call her SN) that this guy is a dick. She said ok and she’d go talk to him. She said do you agree you’re being a dick, he said no. She said do you acknowledge one of the squad members thinks you’re being a dick? He said no again. Some other stuff I don’t know happened, and he got kicked off the team. He turned a load of people against her, caused loads of drama, and everyone blamed her when it was 100% my fault. So that was fun. The only reason I didn’t leave the team right then is because if I had, the entire drama would’ve been for nothing.

June 2019: My old boss who didn’t work there appeared at the end of may. I have a job for you. Ominous... but ok. Turns out, there was a new system being implemented on another contract. As I had experience with QA, and had done some IT stuff for them before, they wanted me to help with the testing and implementation. It was a job that would test my brain, while requiring little physical work - it was perfect for me. I really enjoyed it. It was supposed to be a four week thing, but we found lots of niggly little problems in the system... as far as I know, it’s actually only just gone live - but may have been delayed further.

While working up there, obviously there was downtime while waiting for fixes to be implemented. “What, you want this label a different size? oof, that’s gonna take about three weeks”. However, I got to stay in the office, doing odd jobs and stuff. One of the “odd jobs” ended up being a full on Android app, that my boss and me developed together. It was super fun to work on and really rewarding. That was worked on on-and-off between June and August.

July 2019: an interesting month. There was a major incident at work where a shelf holding very heavy metal shit stirrers collapsed. (The contract was a water treatment etc company, who provide all the clean water and water recycling for my local area. The things on the shelf literally stirred shit.) No one was hurt but it was a lot of drama, which was kind of entertaining to me as I was totally bunking off for the whole week where it happened. Not just the occasionally check Facebook on your phone at work kind of bunking off; I literally just messed about on Discord and worked on Minecraft mods for about two weeks straight. They had given me quite a big project to do, I automated the process... gg ez.

Around this time, the game I had been a part of before was to be officially cancelled. My old work invited me down to the studio to be a part of the formal funeral for the game, which was a big honour. I even got to fly the sky-whale which was awesome. It was bittersweet though, as the game meant a lot to me and had literally changed my life.

August 2019: haaaaaa august was a meme. I’d gotten kinda close with a girl (we’ll call her AP) in my Overwatch team. Like, we’d arranged to meet up at the end of August anyway but yeah, she was the first crush in a long time who actually knew I liked her. And she had certainly implied she felt the same way... like she’d been sending lots of hearts and stuff and talking to me 24/7, tagging me in “X has to take you on a date to Y place” memes and so on.  Anyways, so SN had apparently picked up on the fact I liked her, and started getting super pissy with me. I was pretty good friends with SN and we got on well, but in August she suddenly started getting crazy angry with me over tiny things. It all came to a head when I let AP kill me in a game (long story). Turns out, SN was like in love with me... despite breaking up with her boyfriend of over a year like 2 days before this conversation. So yeah, she told me to fuck off and that was that, she left the team etc, which thanks to chain of command meant that I was then in charge. fun. 

Anyways, get to the end of August, and I was due to meet AP. We met up, it was pretty cool. We hung out at a gaming festival, then suddenly like half way through she was like “lets split up for a bit” and I was like ........ok thats weird but alright. We didn’t meet up again until literally when she had like 2 mins to go, but it seems like she had a lot more fun without me being there. Clearly I’d done some major fuckup, which I still don’t actually know what it was. I had an anxiety attack before I even reached my car... and not a little one either. It’s quite possibly the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had, I barely made it to my car before having a total meltdown. It was the first one I’d had for about a year and it hit hard. It took me about 30 mins to calm down, then I headed home. 

I messaged her that night and asked her what happened, and she replied with “oh I never said I liked you”. It hurt a lot, like I’d been totally lead on. But hey whatever, that’s my life in a nutshell right? “Oh you want this happiness? this happiness right infront of you? HA nah”.  She said in the same message that I “seemed cool” and she’d like to hang out again sometime. But literally within a week she was clearly interested in another guy, so yeah whatever. We’re still friends and play games from time to time but I know she likes this other guy, so yeah. I still like her but whatever, not much I can do about it.

Work was a meme as well. I got taken off the fun and interesting projects to do paperwork. Literally, my job was to scan 35,000 documents because they couldn’t find a couple of bits of information. I suggested much better and more efficient ways, but the boss of the contract was like “no thats bad do it this old fashioned way we don’t want any fancy apps or anything” (I had suggested a spreadsheet or database). It took me about 3 weeks of just standing by a scanner which would jam up every 15-20 sheets in. It was mental health hell, especially in the last week after all the AP stuff had happened.

September 2019: I had one week left at work. I finished the hellish scanning project on Monday afternoon. “Oh as a thanks for your massive hard work we’ll make sure to find you things to do for the rest of the week” No it’s fine, I’m happy to just finish a few days early so I have more time to prep for uni. “No no no, we’ll find you stuff to do” They did not find stuff for me to do. I literally sat there, with nothing to do bar a few odd jobs “hey can you fix this printer”, for four days. It was incredibly mind-numbingly dull. The only thing ticking me over was “hey, maybe they wanna give me a card on my last day or something to say good luck and bye and thanks for doing this literal £20/hr job for half that because you’re agency staff”. But nah, a few people said cya later, but a lot forgot I was leaving entirely. So that was a fun way to finish what had mostly been a decent job...

I then had two weeks of freedom, before moving to university on the 21st. I was nervous; who wouldn’t be? but it was cool. I finally moved out of my house, and had a place where I could make a lot of new friends (LOL). On the day I moved in, I met up with someone I’d spoken to online a few times who was living in the same building as me, we’ll call her S. She was nice, we got on well, and it was kinda cool to have a friend who was a girl that for once I didn’t have a crush on (coz I’m still totally hung up on AP). We ended up going to a club in the evening which I’ve literally never done in my life, and she brought me out of my comfort zone a lot. She was great for my anxiety and really helpful. We’ve hung out a few times since, but I kind of feel like I was just a “filler friend” until she made new friends. She actually totally blanked me when I walked past her today, so that was fun. She has my Switch atm too coz I let her borrow it, I’ll probably just get it back later this week and then be done, its like I put in all the effort to be a friend and she couldn’t care less.

Anyways, so as I said I moved in on Saturday. I met one of my four flatmates on Saturday and another on Sunday, but hadn’t seen the other two at all. It gets to Thursday and I’m tidying the kitchen a bit, my mum’s about to pick me up so I can move in my last few things, and one of the mystery people appeared - she hadn’t actually moved in yet and was just unloading her stuff. She had loads of kitchen stuff, seems she’s really into her cooking.

Anyway, mum picks me up, we go to get my stuff, then we’re driving back, and my phone starts blowing up. S: Are you in? Me: No, why? S: Your building’s on fire. Me: lol nice joke S: no really *picture of everyone evacuated with fire engines outside* S: It’s your floor too, idk which flat. I wasn’t far out, so found her outside when I arrived. I’ve seen people going in, not being funny but one of them looked like [one of my flatmates]. Shit.  A few mins later, the girl who had just moved in came over. You know it’s our flat right? Shit. Turns out the extractor fan on the cooker malfunctioned. I won’t share the video itself coz one of my flatmates is in it, but yeah it just started spraying molten something all over the hob and surfaces. (They said it looked like molten metal, and they were there - but I don’t see how it would’ve gotten hot enough to melt any metal. My best guess is fat that hadn’t been cleaned from last years tenants)

So yeah, we got moved into another flat. The open cupboard right there was my one - I rescued my custom cup from it that the games studio had given me. It’s no good to drink from now, but it still looks ok so I’m glad I can keep it for decorative purposes at least. The rest of the food is waste, and I have to wait for the plates etc to get cleaned. I’m currently eating ready meals out of their cook-in containers, because I don’t have any plates, and only one fork and spoon. I bought some paper plates today though so I’ll use those from tomorrow, but I still don’t have any saucepans or anything.

I wasn’t around when they sorted out the replacement accommodation. Because of that, the other four from my flat went to the same new flat together, with one new person. I was put into a different flat which also had one other person in, my building manager assured me they’re “really nice”. I asked if they knew I was coming, BM said “they’ll know when we get up there :)”. That was Thursday, today is Monday. The only food in the kitchen is mine, I’ve not seen anyone. I’m 100% positive I’m alone in this flat.

And so yeah, that’s my uni experience so far. I had my first lectures today, it was cool because I already knew all the stuff so I got to feel smart (I’m doing computer games programming, and it was mostly about design docs which I read through extensively while working at the studio, so I knew exactly how they worked etc). But, I didn’t really make any friends. I kind of joined in with a couple of other people in each lecture, but it seems like they weren’t really interested, so whatever. I had an anime society taster this evening as well, and it was when I was on my way to that that S blanked me and I just got hit my like a wave of loneliness. I didn’t make any friends at the anime society, so I kinda just gave up and came back to my flat, and started writing this. As I was getting the fire picture from above though someone asked me if I wanted to hang out, so guess I’ll see how that goes. Not holding out much hope tbh and I’m at the point of becoming a full on hermit... I mean hey, at least I’d get a perfect score on my degree if I just focus on that and eliminate any social aspect right?

Finish time: 21:38 Length:  3,302 words/16,759 characters

[toodaysandtoomorrows]

My Favourite Fics Ever — One Direction Fandom Edition

Or: The fic rec nobody has asked for that I made no matter what because everything is better than studying and I am bored.

Here's a list of fics in no significant order of importance that happens to be my favourite in the One Direction Fandom. Mind me, they are not all the good fics I read, they are the ones that I always come back to, or the ones that left me something emotionally speaking, the ones that will probably stay with me for a long time.

Have You Coming Back Again by whoknows (31K, Bottom!L)

It’s five o’clock in the morning. Louis has a lecture at half eight. He could be using this time to study or to do his readings or to go to the gym, but - well. He doesn’t have any exams coming up, he’s not going to his seminar today anyway and he hates the gym.

Instead he’s using this time to fuck with Harry Styles’ poor little brain.

Louis jogs across the street and jabs the key into the car door. It opens easily, not that he was expecting anything else. He copied the key for a reason, after all.

He’s got Harry’s schedule memorized, more because the guy keeps following him around than anything, so he doesn’t bother looking around before climbing behind the wheel and setting his bag on the passenger seat. It’s a Monday, which means that Harry doesn’t even get out of bed before noon unless he’s planning on harassing Louis.

It'd probably be easier just to say that everything whoknows ever wrote is gold, I adore everything she has written and I think I read at least two times everything she published on Ao3. BUT. This is the best. To me, this is her masterpiece. Not because of the marvellous slow building plot, not because of her beautiful and very entertaining writing style, not because of the hot (like HOT hot) scenes. Nope. The reason is Louis. This Louis is THE Louis. He's my favourite one. Ever. He's a little oblivious shit and he's amazing.

I Had Rather Hear My Dog Bark At A Crow by sunsetmog (122K, Bottom!Louis)

The first time Louis Tomlinson kisses him, Nick is three sheets to the wind, wearing a pirate hat, and so fucking tired of Louis being a complete and utter knobhead that he's spent the last ten minutes snapping at him.

The kiss takes him rather by surprise, all things considered.

Or: Nick and Louis don't like each other, not even a little bit, not even at all.

I read over three hundred fanfictions in the 1D fandom, and the 98% of those where Harry/Louis. And yet somehow my favourite fic ever in this fandom is a Tomlishaw. When I think of it I feel I bit disconcerted, but honestly, it only makes sense. This fic is so good. I love the plot, the hurt, the smut. Louis. Louis is perfect. He's so tense, so thick, a little shit most of the time, a little baby the other times. I love it. Read it. I don't care if you don't like the pairing. Just read it.

Who Would've Thought by whoknows  (44K, Bottom!L)

The idea doesn’t come to Louis until they’ve been at the bungalow for a couple of days. Harry has no idea that he’s going to pop a knot. He’s been living his life with the expectation that he’s going to be a beta, and Louis isn’t going to tell him otherwise.

Louis is an omega, though, and most omegas want to be filled up with a knot, fucked the way their bodies are made to be fucked, and Louis is no different. In ten years he wants to have an alpha waiting for him at home who will hold him down and fuck him exactly the way Louis wants to be fucked without worrying that they’re going to expect him to stay at home, open a joint bank account, raise a litter of babies, cook and clean and, most importantly, be submissive. For that to happen Louis needs an entirely different kind of alpha.

And so the plan is born.

This is the ABO fic. Still haven't found one as good as this. As always whoknows fics get extra points for the way Louis is characterised. Also, the way the storyline has been structured, it's so smart. (I admit the first time I read it I didn't understand what was going on until I was almost halfway in, but when I did it made so much sense. I also may have re-read it backwards since then because it's easier, but I love how it is nonetheless.) (I won't tell you to read Swim In The Smoke too, another excellent ABO by the same author, otherwise this would turn into a whoknows fic rec. But.)

My English Love Affair by isthatyoularry (19K, Bottom!L)

The thing about sleeping with a member of a famous indie band is that the inevitability of having a song written about you is most likely a hundred percent. The second thing is that in the end, nobody's supposed to find out it's about you.

The one where Harry writes a song about his English love affair and Louis sleeps with someone in White Eskimo and all he gets is a stupid song written about him.

I simply like this one. It's no epic piece of literature, but it has everything I need. I love when they are in love with one another but they don't realize it until it's too late, I love the pining, I love the hurting each other while trying to get better.

Unbelievers by isthatyoularry (136K, Bottom!H)

It’s Louis’ senior year, and he’s dead set on doing it right. However, along with his pair of cleats, a healthy dose of sarcasm and his ridiculous best friend, he’s also got a complicated family, a terrifyingly uncertain future, and a mortal enemy making his life just that much worse. Mortal enemies “with benefits” was not exactly the plan.

Or: The one where Louis and Harry definitely aren’t friends, and football is everything.

So you may have realized that I tend to prefer mostly Bottom!L. Guilty as charged. You see, I don't have a problem picturing Harry bottoming. My problem is Louis topping. I can't see that, mostly because I like Louis' character with determinate characteristics, which in B!H fics he tends not to have. But this is not the case. I love this fic. I believe it's the one I read the most times, even if Louis tops. And the reason is because Harry and Louis are so beautifully characterised, in a way that goes far beyond sexual roles. It's amazing to see how their relation slowly changes and I love the way they act to one another. Also, I'm a sucker for enemies to lover fics. So.

Let the Words Fall Out by pertunes (6K, no smut)

It’s not a thing, he decides. It’s not going to be a thing, because his ears have been ringing for months and so what if some days he feels like he’s straining to hear what even Niall’s jabbering on about.

Probably the only story under 10K I will (ever?) rec. I don't like short fics, with those you don't have the time to get fond of the characters that the end has already come. Well, unless you don't stick to a very canon or vague context and I prefer a bit more of originality If possible. Though, as always, I've got my exceptions and this is the one. I've read this story more than ones and it hurt every time. Louis centric, touches a delicate matter such as hearing loss, very nice. It has a brief sequel.

A Castle of Twigs and Thistles by flowerheaddress (187K, Kid!Fic, Major Character Death)

In 8-year-old Louis Tomlinson’s world, things were bleak and desolate. Yet, when discovering the boy swaddled to his jumper that had been watching him pass everyday from primary since his arrival to the other side of the thicket, Louis’ life takes a turn in brilliance and beauty that had never graced him until the clouds were brushed from his eyes by the tiny hands and arms littered with the bruises of a conflicted past and a wary future. Swept into imagination, Louis must learn to love and let go when life interrupts the adventures that carry both boys far from the gloom of the tiny village nestled away to the hills just out from London’s crawling city limits. In again falling to his desires of a bustling, full life and the hidden world he’d never known to be reality tangled within the brambles and weeds, Louis must take reigning place to the side of the invisible boy and his kingdom no one had dared to find where nothing is what it seems.

This HURTS. And it's the kind of hurt that gets inside you and stays forever, which, I know it doesn't sound good, but it takes a lot for a work of fiction to create such a strong and long lasting mix of devastating emotions, and in this case I think it's all worth it. I really feel more people should read this fic, not only because I need to share my pain and my amazement for this story, but also because it may be the most well written fic I have ever read in this fandom and it's so so emotionally engaging. I fell in love with its phrasing and its style in a matter of a few paragraphs, it feels like going through poetry. It's beautiful and I think it's one of those story I will never forget. (But if you are easily upset by hard themes avoid this like the plague. The main character death warning is not there just for fun. Just saying.)

[spiderfan22]

DAY THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIX - 4/12/2020

“THE SUNDAY SERMON: A NEW ME FOR 2020” by DJS

Easter, a day for resurrections.  

As I approach the end of this blog, with only nine more entries to go, I thought it only fitting that we have a last visit with Edgar. Like all the other Sunday Sermons, this one was first written by hand, then typed up, with very little altered or edited during the process of transcribing. With Edgar, what you see is what you get, warts and all, and that extends to the creative process. So, while I won’t miss his despicable character, I will miss the freedom writing him granted me.  

Thanks, Edgar. Now fuck off.

---------------------

(Edgar’s apartment bedroom. A Saturday afternoon in May. There’s been an attempt made at better housekeeping. The bed, while not perfectly made, has at least been tidied up. And there’s a laundry basket full of CLEAN laundry waiting to be folded and put away. Signs like these. Right now the house is quiet; no one home. Hold for a moment, then we hear the apartment door being unlocked and someone coming in. Sounds of off-stage action: cabinet opening in the kitchen, running water, someone coming down the hall, approaching the door, which is ajar. Edgar comes in with a glass of water. He is 39 years old, red faced and sweating profusely, in workout attire. He stops just inside the room, chugs the water straight down, and finishes with a satisfied gasp. He sets the empty glass on the dresser next to another empty glass. Crossing the room towards the attached bath, he notices the audience for the first time and says:)

Hey. Just got back from a run. Five miles or something like that. I don’t have one of those apps on my phone that tells you, but my heart. I can feel it. Like it’s not going to stop. Which is a good thing, I guess, it’s what you want. But at the same time you have... (Kicks off his shoes.) It’s disconcerting. Like you don’t actually want to feel your heart have to put out all this effort, feeling like it’s working overtime, you just want this silent working system that you don’t ever even really notice; you only notice it when something’s wrong. (Retrieves his empty water glass, refills it from the bathroom sink, keeps talking.) Organs in general, we take them for granted, if nothing feels off then it must be all good, right? Then you get a weird pain in your side or your chest seems to clench or like there’s a little shock in there, or your knee will out of nowhere buckle that you get this kind of shock like “where did that come from?” I was feeling fine two seconds ago, now why suddenly does my knee hurt or I have this cramping in my side - Is it my kidneys? That’s where your kidneys are, right? ‘Do I need to go to the doctor?” Then you go to the doctor and you try to describe this mystery pain, like a sharpness in your whatever, only you can’t ever really do it justice explaining it – if only it could actually happen IN THE MOMENT when you’re with him, at the appointment, it just makes pinpointing anything or getting to a root cause almost feel like it’s impossible and you’re just wasting all of your time trying to diagnose this phantom thing/problem.

(He takes off his shirt, wipes under his arms with it. Tosses it across room into hamper.)

And yet what we never even seem to care about... are headaches. Actual physical pain INSIDE OUR HEADS, the brain that tells everything else what to do, the master controls if you will, if it goes you’re fucked. Well no one goes in for a headache, we just take those as doing business, pop a couple ibuprofen, it goes away and you don’t think about, till it happens again, and happens over and over again.  

(He goes into the bathroom and turns on the shower.)

The thing that really scares me though is brain aneurysms, because it just seems like there’s no way of stopping them, they’re unpreventable. If it’s gonna happen to you it’s gonna happen. One minute fine, the next Ow, I’m dead.  

(Takes off his shorts. Tosses them across room into hamper.)

You hear about it happening it always comes as a shock, (Sits on bed to remove his socks, picks at lint between toes.) unlike a heart attack or even strokes, those are lifestyle, and also not always a strict death sentence. But with aneurysms it’s just like there’s nothing you could, that anyone could – you're just unlucky. And it sucks.

(He rises, takes off his underwear, fully naked now. Tosses underwear but misses hamper this time, shrugs.)

I’m gonna hop in the shower. But don’t worry I think you’ll still probably be able to hear me in there. I’ll talk loud.

(Edgar gets into the shower. We can barely hear him over the streaming water, his voice cuts in and out.)

It’s thoughts like this that’ve made me think differently about my life, sort of reevaluating. It was time I guess. I don’t know, I got divorced five years ago, about five years ago and it wasn’t really... But I had let myself go so long before that that when I eventually moved out and started living on my own again my basic functioning was just... Well, it was just very basic. Work, sleep, eat, watch TV, the only real entertainment – try to get laid. I’d meet women try to convince them to go out with me. You find the right kind of woman, she’s lonely, depressed, doesn’t have a lot of self-esteem. She works in a dentist office, she works long hours, she doesn’t care too much about how those free hours are spent, she goes home, she immediately changes out of her work whatever, she microwaves a meal or does something easy like salad, parks herself on the couch. I take the bus to work so this is the kind of woman I’d come across, sitting next to, ask how her day was – always at the end of the day too, never the start, never before work, because despite us knowing better we still, people still get this irrational feeling of hope that today’s gonna be better, or different at least – combined with the fact that everyone just woke up, they’re still tired and not really conducive to conversation that early in the morning – but what was I saying? You ask how their day was – or you don’t. Instead you say something like “Long day huh?” implying that you already know they had a shitty day and you are in fact commiserating cause you had a shitty day too. It’s something you can agree on.

Hold on. I got some soap in my eye.  

Hate that.

(Pause as he rinses it out.)

...to agree on. A basis to start a conversation in the first place, familiarity. Also gives you a chance to gauge their attraction. In my experience if a woman’s not interested she’ll let you know right away, and it’s rarely subtle. It’s not explicit but it’s rarely subtle. It can be the difference between a smirk and a shrug, but when you see it, you know. And I give up right away. I don’t waste my time. Or theirs. Plus if you think about being a woman – and ladies, I know I’m preaching to the converted here but – if you think what it must be like to get hit on all the time, or even just stared at. That’s one of the big problems by the way -

(The shower turns off. Edgar gets out, starts to dry himself with a towel that was hanging on the back of the door.)

If a guy sees a woman look at him, and linger for even a second, even just hesitate, we assume maybe there’s an interest. Because in our minds, if the shoe was on the other foot and we’re staring at some girl we obviously find her attractive and are thinking about sleeping with her. It’s like that thing they’re always saying, a study or something they did that says men think about sex every seven seconds or some crazy number like that, basically all the time. Which I don’t know if it’s true or not, the frequency but, if we do look at you, if we are staring, then it’s pretty much forgone that yes, we are thinking that, we’re thinking about what you would be like in bed, if you’re a slut, if you’d do certain things, if you’d let us cum on your face, or swallow, even better swallow, we look at your butt as you walk away, in your yoga pants and how they really make things prominent, leave little to the imagination, and how that can’t be an accident, and all we want to do is get you on the nearest surface and just get behind you on all fours and pull your hair, we wonder if you like to have your hair pulled, or be bit, or slapped, or choked, and if we really work you up good if you’ll call us Daddy, really striking vivid scenarios pop into our heads in an instant, none faster than the simplest basic most important question: Would I sleep with this woman Yes or No?

The answer is almost invariably yes.

(Pause. Then he rehangs the towel on the back of the door. Edgar puts toothpaste on his toothbrush, looks in the mirror and brushes his teeth.)

I started brushing my teeth in the shower but forgot. I hate when I do that. I made it part of my routine but I guess you guys distracted me. (Spits in sink, rinses toothbrush.) Dental health. I hadn’t been to the dentist in close to ten years when I finally booked an appointment two months ago. I’d brush about once every couple days before that. It wasn’t good and I have no excuse. So the night before I was supposed to go in I thought I should at least floss, get whatever, you know, any big chunks of stuff that’ve might got lodged.

Jesus Christ, the blood. Like my mouth just started, my gums started bleeding like as soon as the floss touched them, like it was razor wire. And I closed my mouth I could taste that irony blood taste and swished around and spit into the sink – you would’ve thought I’d just been in a fight and got my ass kicked. Just spitting up blood. Well, I warned the dentist the next day before he even went near me; “My gums might be a little sensitive doc, so just be warned.” Turns out I only had a couple cavities, a couple fillings, miraculously. Go figure. Just a man with a good set of choppers I guess.

(He goes through the laundry basket of clean clothes, finds socks, underwear, etc.)

But it was all part of my plan to start turning things around in my life. (Putting on underwear.) I realized what I think are a couple of very important things. The first was I only have one body. So I better take care of it, cause it’s gonna have to last me awhile.

And just so you’re not under any delusion, as much as these might sound like New Years’ resolutions but I didn’t come around to most of this stuff until February.

(He sits on the bed to put on his socks.)

You only have ONE body, so you better take care of it. That meant actually putting some thought into things, planning, which has never been my forte. Eating, how do you eat, what do you eat, when do you eat it, how do you prepare it. Well, you plan every day, every meal. You make lunches to take the next day, you actually plan ahead. You make a grocery list for God’s sake and you go to the store and you buy what’s on it. You don’t stop at the deli counter and impulse buy fried chicken just because it’d be easier than making dinner tonight. You don’t let yourself do that. It’s overcoming a lot of weakness really. You’re tired, it’s after work, so you indulge yourself. You have the money so you indulge yourself. And why not? It’s not like you’re some expert chef anyway. When you can get takeout - you can just order a pizza. But that hour you spend waiting for it to get delivered, that’s what they throw in your face, like “think about what you could’ve done in that hour, think of all the stuff you could’ve made, better for you too and probably would’ve spent less money than ordering Dominos again.” And it took me a while to realize that yes, those people are assholes who should mind their own business, but they’re also NOT WRONG. Because it’s about discipline.

(He stands up, then comes downstage a little towards the audience.)

You think that guy you see running every morning when you walk out to your car does it cause he just loves the fresh air? You think he wants to get up at 7:30 and spend an hour in the freezing cold, his chest feeling like it’s going to explode out his – thighs rubbing together, itching – because that’s his true passion in life? Of course not. But he knows it’s good for him. He knows if he does it every day, if he builds it into his schedule every day, occupying the same space of time, that he has to hold himself to -

Because discipline a lot of us just don’t have. As a trait, I mean, you’re rare to just be born with it. Why so many people suffer from procrastination – it's not ingrained. Most of us, most humans, are just basically lazy. Or not lazy, but we like being content, we don’t need to go out of the way to tax ourselves. That’s our default. So you live 20, 30 years by that model and effecting any real change becomes close to impossible. I had the same outlook. If I’m already at this point, if I’ve reached it, well it’s essentially too late. And what’s more I can keep going just like this and eek out another 20 or 30 years, and be relatively happy, and enjoy life, eat whatever I want, sleep with people that don’t find me too disgusting, and I them, embrace an increasing limited mobility, and most of all, any symptoms, any alarm bells I might perceive, ignore them, pretend nothing is off or wrong or happening. And I thought, this is a life at peace, even of acceptance. Very zen or however they describe it.

Why rock the boat?

(A moment where Edgar lets that thought percolate. Then:)

Then I had this weird – it was like pinching, a pinching in my left armpit. Out of nowhere. It went on for about a minute. I was just sitting on the couch eating dinner. Corndogs, from the deli at Safeway. I was pretty hungry so it was three corndogs that night. I remember even being full after the second one, full but I knew it would still taste good, you know, and I’d already – I'd bit into it, so might as well... And I was chewing off the hard gristly bit of dough at the bottom of the stick when the pinching started. It was in my armpit but I could feel so clearly that it connected right directly to my heart. Like I said it lasted about a minute. I rubbed at the spot where it hurt and it just sort of went away. I breathed. I mean I took a breath. Heart seemed fine. Then I reached out for the can of Barq’s root beer I was drinking and it was as I was going for it that my hand just STOPPED. NO. No I thought.

No, don’t drink that. No it’s poison. You’re killing yourself. BEEN killing yourself. You put that stuff, ingest that, it’s gonna flow right through your veins, sticky pop mess coursing through your whole body, replacing your blood, gumming up the whole works. Is that what you want? Huh? You’re a fucking asshole, must be fucking retarded to have put that shit in your body thirty fucking years or more. You’ve had a death wish since age seven. I mean THREE FUCKING CORNDOGS? You’re not at the county fair! Don’t you want to live to see fifty?! This isn’t a special occasion you gluttonous fuck! There’s a REASON they WARN AGAINST this shit IN THE BIBLE!

(Pause.)

I threw it out. Everything – not just the soda, practically everything in my fridge and cupboards. Snacks, chips, cookies, Oreos, Double Stuffed Oreos, the freezer, frozen pizzas, Snickers ice cream bars, Ben and Jerry’s - filled up three garbage bags and straight to the dumpster. I was like I was possessed, in fact I never felt or experienced anything like that in my life, just total resolution. Resolve? I don’t know. I don’t, but it felt GOOD. I even put on music. Eye of the Tiger. A little trite, but hey! Discipline, motivation, discipline, motivation: it’s a cycle. But one where you keep actual rewards to a minimum.

(He puts on a pair of nice pants, along with a belt.)

I started with water. Building block of life, right? How many glasses are you supposed to drink a day, like eight? I was a few short. Try zero. Zero glasses a day, I was drinking no water. I think, you know, I really must’ve had hated myself.

(He goes into the bathroom to apply deodorant.)

‘Nother crazy thing about water, think about it – is there A) any beverage better for your than plain old water? And B) anything more plentiful and at the same time less expensive? Water’s cheap cheap cheap, practically free - and it’s the best fucking shit you can put in you. (Fixes his hair in the mirror; not an elaborate process.) So I got a water bottle and just started carrying it with me everywhere. Work, water bottle, it gets empty, you immediately refill it. Home, same thing. That bottle becomes like a tether to me, my constant companion. Till I forgot it on the bus one day a couple weeks ago. But by that point it didn’t matter, I’d trained myself. More n’ that, I’d broken myself of the habit of craving all that other stuff. Pop, juice, even coffee – cept every other Friday on payday when I treat myself to a latte. Well it’s ice coffee now as it’s starting to get warmer.

(He crosses to closet, opens it, and spends about a minute trying to pick out the right shirt.)

So water’s one thing, the first item on my hit list. But I gotta eat better in general. Problem is I hate cooking. I even hate people cooking for me; I mean in a domestic setting, not at a restaurant or takeout or something. It’s just the waiting thing, having to wait.

(Edgar selects a shirt, but stands there bare chested for a while longer.)

Thanksgiving, you know? That’s a bad example because the whole point is you make this big meal – not that I ever, that I was ever responsible – but it takes all day. But by the end of it you’re just starving. And no amount of peanut butter on celery or black olives is going to satisfy you when you want to be eating stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy. It was the damn turkey, if you didn’t have to wait for anything else -

But I get the same feeling now. Impatience. Are we there yet?  

(He starts to put on his shirt, then stops.)

I had a couple girlfriends tried to make this really special, like candlelight, tablecloth, dinner for me, and all I can remember about it is sitting on the couch, my stomach continuously growling, just getting more and more irritated. Like did she have to make the pasta from hand? Make her own bread? Because I’m not going to be able to tell the difference so really what’s the - (Pulls shirt over his head.) But the point, as we all know, is to impress you – endear themselves, herself, to you. Because as, again, we all know, the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach for some reason.  

And for all the women in the audience let me disabuse you of that notion right now. And it’s not what you’re thinking either – sex. It’s not sex. Sex is like dessert, not to mix my food metaphors. It’s good, great even, but you also don’t need it every night, it CAN, and probably SHOULD, remain this special thing, if possible. Sex is not the way to a man’s heart, no. The way to a man’s heart is Obedience.

(Long pause.)

I know how that sounds, like some caveman bullshit, but hear me out, ok? We just... There’s a time and a place for everything. Most things anyway – and the woman who understands, who gets that theory, who can just let shit lie, that you can just sit with, the ability to just sit with something, not forever but just, for the time being... This is who’s going to get the man.  

Does that make sense? I know I’ve gotten off topic but -

And it’s only in recent years that I’ve come to this crystalizing... you know, just very clear and straightforward conclusions about What I Want, What I Need out of life.

And if you’re thinking “Well good luck finding it, her, a woman who’ll just shut up you’re not even have to telling her to” - yeah I know that already, thanks, I know it’s gonna be a challenge, cause I haven’t found her yet.

(Short pause.)

Also you’re really oversimplifying my point if you think that. Because I’ll admit men are just as bad as women – or close – about the whole just shutting up thing. Because it’s about communication styles. Love languages, right? This may surprise and startle our Viewers out there – but I fully subscribe to ALL that shit. For instance, I can’t take a compliment to save my fucking life. I physically tense up. But Acts of Service – you flip my laundry or fill up the gas tank – and I am yours. On my hands and knees baby. Just how you like it.

(Edgar winks, then gestures like it was just a joke. He puts on his shoes.)

But Acts of Service; yes. And recognizing that in other people, getting to know and learn what works best for them. It’s like a key, it don’t all work in the same lock. We are mysteries, even onto ourselves.

That’s what this year’s been about so far for me. Making sense of shit. Prioritizing. What do I want. What kind of life -

Who do I want to be?

(He grabs his phone and his wallet. Then his keys.)

I have a date tonight.  

I been going out a couple times a week, on dates, different women.

Thirty-nine’s not too old to be on Tinder... (Grins, lots of teeth.) Right?

I tell you one thing, I am seeing a difference. I can see the change; it’s tangible. In the past month and a half, since I started working out in earnest, I’ve dropped over 30 pounds, mostly from the gut region. I’m down under 200 again. It’s frickin crazy. All this improvement is such a short time. You gotta be proud of that too, personally, cause no one else is really gonna give a fuck. No one really cares about you bettering yourself. I don’t. I mean if you wanta eat a box of Krispy Kreams once a day then by all means. If you wanna stay up late every night deprive yourself of a good night’s sleep, your choice. We’re responsible to ourselves ultimately. And God I guess. But what does He give a fuck whether you binge Mickey D’s every night or starve yourself to death like Ghandi? He doesn’t. So you shouldn’t either.

Stay out of other people’s business is the hardest lesson some people have to learn. For others it just comes natural.

(Edgar does a final check in the bathroom mirror: hair, teeth, etc.)

Don’t care. Or try not to care too much at least.

(He nods, satisfied with his appearance. Then he turns off the bathroom light and crosses to the door. He stops just before exiting. He smiles hugely, proud.)

I’m in the best shape of my life.

(Edgar leaves. We hear the door slam off. Blackout.)

[truesportsfan]

WWE’s Liv Morgan on Elimination Chamber, the Riott Squad and finding herself

Liv Morgan will need to beat Shayna Baszler, Ruby Riott, Sarah Logan, Asuka and Natalya at WWE’s Elimination Chamber pay-per-view on Sunday (7 p.m., WWE Network) to earn a shot at Becky Lynch’s Raw women’s championship at WrestleMania 36. Ahead of stepping into the Elimination Chamber for the first time, the 25-year-old, who grew up in Elmwood Park, N.J., took a go at some Q&A with The Post’s Joseph Staszewski.

(This interview has been edited for brevity)

Q: How important is this Elimination Chamber opportunity for you? It’s a big pay-per-view and a major chance to advance things with your character.

A: The Elimination Chamber match, I feel like, is the biggest opportunity I’ve gotten so far in my career. I’m taking it very, very, very, very, very seriously. I just came back from a nine-month hiatus where I got a makeover and did a lot of self-discovery. I feel like I need this win more than anyone. I need this win more than anyone else in this match. Not only that, we have Ruby and Sarah. Our friendship pretty much blew up. So there are a lot of factors in this match.

Q: During that nine months that you were away from WWE, what did you do? You talked about some introspection that went on.

A: Just figuring out what I wanted from me. I was in the Riott Squad and I was very, very immature and I was loud. You know, I needed attention. I needed people to look at me, so I dyed my hair pink and made my tongue blue. I did all these things that definitely made me stand out, but were they really me? Is that really who I was at the core of the character? I don’t think it was, especially being with these two other women. And now I’m by myself. It was just finding myself on my own. So I spent nine months, a lot of self talk, a lot of watching old footage of myself and just finding out who this grown woman is now.

Q: Were you happy with the way that you were reintroduced? You got thrown into the Lana-Rusev-Bobby Lashley wedding storyline.

A: I am happy. I think it was very shocking. I think it came out of left field and no one expected it, and I think maybe that was the goal.

Q: Sonya Deville (the first openly lesbian wrestler in WWE) took issue with how the lesbian relationship between you and Lana was presented. Have you talked to her at all?

A: I have a very close friendship with Sonya Deville, so I spoke to her, and the details of those conversations I’m politely not going to share with you, Joe (laughs). But everything’s fine. Everything’s cool. We talked about it. She’s still a very good friend of mine, and I can’t be mad at anyone for how they feel and how they react to things. Everyone is gonna feel how they want to feel, so I’ve just got to allow that. At the end of the day, this is business, this is work, and I’m doing what I’m told and supposed to do, you know.

Q: In your mind is that angle dead or do you think there’s a chance it gets brought back again?

A: I don’t think anything is dead in WWE. I can’t really answer that, but I do think the door is open for it to be touched on again.

Q: What do you want people to take away from the version of you we are seeing now?

A: Just that I’m confident, I’m comfortable within myself, by myself. I don’t need to do these extra things to get people’s attention. I can get attention on my own with my work. I don’t need these extra factors to get noticed anymore. I’m not shuffled in with other people.

I’m still growing. You don’t just grow and stop growing in nine months. I’m still figuring out my footing and my placing, and it’s just a work in progress.

Q: Do you miss any of the aspects of playing the Harley Quinn-type character?

A: It was very fun. It was very easy for me to portray. It was very just … let out the most immature side of myself that I possibly can. We were the Riott Squad, you know, causing chaos.

Q: You were kind of the high school bullies.

A: Yeah, and I was not a bully in high school, so it was just so fun to play and I just dove right into it. I was surprised how it all ended up working out, just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks. A blue tongue ended up sticking. I was so wild. I had so much fun.

Q: It sounds like your new character is about you growing up as a person. You feel this is somewhat of Liv Morgan growing up, but it’s playing out on our screen?

A: That’s exactly how this makeover felt. It’s just very funny how synonymous it felt with me outside of the ring just going into that next phase of life, that next phase of womanhood, and just it’s playing out on TV in front of millions.

Q: You got your break in WWE going through Joe DeFranco’s gym in New Jersey. What made you walk through that door one day and say, ‘I’m going to give wrestling a try?’

A: I loved the WWE since I was 5 years old. So I was just a super, super, mega fan, and I was working at Hooters and I watched WWE during my shift on one of the TVs. Everyone assumed I was the wrestling chick. … I got Joe DeFranco’s contact number, so I gave him a call and he invited me to come to the gym.

He felt that for someone who had no athletic background that didn’t really play sports, he felt that I held up pretty well. Because Joe DeFranco, he’s training NFL superstars.

I walk in the gym, and there’s a bunch of NFL players. I don’t watch football. I’m just a little girl like, “Hey! I want to work out.” (Laughs) And I don’t even realize that I’m surrounded by all these professional athletes. I just jumped in their workout and I kept up. He was gracious enough to put in a good word with WWE, and that’s how I got my tryout.

Q: You grew up in a single-parent household with older brothers and a younger sister. How did that experience shape you growing up?

A: I grew up kind of not being told what was right and wrong. In the long run, I grew up seeing for myself what I believed was right and wrong. My father had passed before I was born, and the rest of my family had seen it happen. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know how that affects the mind and the brain and just a child. It took a couple years for them to get their bearings again and just try to live a normal life again.

Growing up in my family, it was just a little bit chaotic. It was a little bit damaged, and I saw that and I wanted to change it. I wanted to help my family and I wanted to help myself, and I knew that really, really young. I knew that at 5 years old. I was going to be the one to help change it.

Q: How much pressure do you feel to deliver now when WWE has put so much TV and vignette time into reintroducing you?

A: There is definitely pressure there, but I’m just trying to do my best and not think about failing or not doing well. It’s do what you do and do what you know. What I know is how to go out there and perform and entertain and put on the best match I possibly can.

Q: Take me through that dive at Ruby during the Elimination Chamber contract signing? You got pretty high and straight at her.

A: And I had heels on, too. I wasn’t planning on that. I was just going to sit and be a grown, mature woman. I’m not going to attack this human being. But once I saw everything going on between Asuka, Nattie, Shayna, I was like, “OK. OK. Me too.’ I saw my opportunity. She was distracted by the other chaos, and I just pounced on her.

Q: You talked about your friendship with Ruby and Sarah. What’s it been like to work with them, but in very different roles?

A: It’s weird. It’s different. It’s not something I was expecting when I first came up on Raw and SmackDown. I didn’t see myself as a tag-team competitor. I viewed myself as a singles competitor. Then I got put in with the Riott Squad, and I just became best friends with these two girls that I didn’t even speak to before, best friends, sisters. I think I needed that. I needed that coming up, and I didn’t even realize. Just for this situation [of Ruby attacking me] to play out how it has, it’s shocking and it’s upsetting, but I’ve got to keep it moving.

Q: Why do you think the Riott Squad didn’t reach the heights maybe the three of you had hoped?

A: I think about that, too, and, um, I don’t know. At that time, they went from like no tag teams in the women’s division to all of sudden having all these tag teams in the division, and then we had the [women’s] tag team titles introduced. And I personally felt like when we were at our height, we were just following up on all cylinders. We were so fluid and we knew what we were doing. We knew our dynamic, but just unfortunately it wasn’t our time.

Q: We are in WrestleMania season and we are seeing the NXT women, whether it be Bianca Belair or Shayna or Rhea Ripley, worked into WrestleMania-level storylines. How is that taken by the women who are there every week on Raw and SmackDown?

A: I feel like they’re the top women in NXT, they’re full of talented girls, but I think Bianca and Rhea are the head of the pack right now. I think they earned the spotlight. Whether it be WrestleMania or just Raw or SmackDown, I think they’ve earned to see a different audience see them and bring the spotlight on NXT. I’m personally not mad. I can’t speak about how everyone else feels.

source https://truesportsfan.com/sport-today/wwes-liv-morgan-on-elimination-chamber-the-riott-squad-and-finding-herself/

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 43, March 2017

On Monday morning, I completed my first drawing in a new botanical art series that I’ve started. I began with an observational sketch of some gerberas in a vase. Next I went over the pencil lines with black fineliner before shading in opposing sections with black marker. The result is a bold, black and white silhouette drawing.

On Monday afternoon, I had my third PT session with my personal trainer Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Narre Warren. Today’s session was both physically and mentally tough. I’m slowly gaining more confidence in my abilities to push through these exercises but letting go of the past is still proving to be difficult for me. At least doing one-on-one sessions eliminates one major issue for me...comparing myself to others. This is where my thoughts of “not being good enough” stemmed from last year but I’m learning to snip that in the bud.

For the warm-up, I had to do laps of various running exercises including sprinting, jogging, grapevine, side stepping, high knee lifts and back kicks. Next I had to do several rounds of tyre pulls and dead men, which is essentially using your own body weight to pull yourself up and lower yourself down a rope suspended from the ceiling. It become increasingly more challenging for each round as Luke added more weight to the tyre but I was determined not to give up.

In the last part of the session, I did a 15 minute circuit which included 45 second reps of the following exercises: battle ropes, medicine ball slams, plank holds and kettle bell swings. This is where my mental battle began. Last year I spent so much time trying to impress and prove myself to Nick to no avail. But this time I tried to avoid doing that and just focused on doing the best that I could do. The fact is that I don’t need to prove myself to anyone and as long as I walk away from the session feeling satisfied, then that’s all that matters to me.

My results were really impressive today. I got up to 32 medicine ball slams and 34 kettle bell swings in the 45 second time limit. To be honest, I don’t even focus on the numbers. I could hardly care less about it. But still it makes me feel proud that I’ve achieved that for myself. The weight loss issue is still an ongoing one for me. I’ve plateaued at 92kg for about 2-3 weeks now but it’s not going to make me lose hope or motivation. I gotta keep moving forward. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Tuesday afternoon, I went to a social function with my mum’s School Crossing Supervisor group at the Hallam Hotel. It was a pretty big turnout as the group filled up three long rectangular tables. I saw a few familiar faces there which was good but I was feeling socially awkward and emotionally drained. For lunch I had a potato and leek soup, a grilled barramundi with chips and salad plus a cup of green jelly and a small latte.

Some of the ladies were trying to encourage me to become a School Crossing Supervisor like my mum. I was feeling unintentionally pressured by them, getting all flustered and noticing my anxiety levels go through the ceiling. I really don’t feel comfortable about doing something that I’m not interested in doing. It has to come from within. Everyone means well but unfortunately this is just something I don’t want to do. https://www.hallamhotel.com.au/

On Tuesday night, I went to my Body Combat class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. I met a new member named Joe as I was waiting for the class to start. It was his first time doing body combat but he seemed pretty relaxed about it. Tonight we did the new release 71 and boy was it an intense workout. We actually used a foam mat for part of the warm-up, mainly plank holds, low lunges and mountain climbers.

Track four was easily the hardest with quick step lunges, front kicks and wide squats. It was very difficult to keep up with. Instructor Cinamon Guerin was hilarious tonight. She forgot part of the routine and kept dropping her headset but she kept on going, laughing it off. That’s what I really admire about her. She’s got such a positive attitude towards fitness, she doesn’t take herself too seriously and she makes these classes fun, even when we’re clearly buggered and ready to collapse.  http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

On Wednesday morning, I attended a Time Out yoga class at Now, Yoga. in Narre Warren South. I was surprised to see that Kim Lousada was actually running the class instead of Keren Gurrieri but that didn’t bother me at all. Today’s class was all about holding restorative poses, letting go of tension and focusing the mind on the present moment. There were quite a few newcomers today and it’s good to see that the studio is starting to gain more interest. https://www.facebook.com/nowyogastu...

We began the class by doing some joint therapy. Starting with the feet, we flexed and released the toes before rotating into ankles, calves, knees and hip sockets. These movements are particularly helpful if you’re experiencing tightness, pain and/or arthritis in the joints and muscles. When you hear the popping sound, you’re actually releasing air bubbles from the synovial fluid within the joints. http://www.yogajournal.com/article/...

The remainder of the class was spent doing some restorative poses using props. These included supported forward bend and supported side stretch. Kim used her crystal singing bowls as we relaxed into each pose. The sounds and vibrations from the bowls was actually quite calming and helped me to focus on the breath more. https://yogainternational.com/artic...

We ended the class by doing a Yoga Nidra meditation. I set myself  the following positive intention or san culpa...”I am loved and appreciated by others.” Kim guided us through the Rotation of Awareness, moving from one body part to the next from right to left. It can be quite difficult to remain conscious and alert especially if you start drifting off to sleep but using the breath and Kim’s voice as anchors certainly helps. https://www.artofliving.org/yoga/he...

On Thursday morning, I saw my new counselor Ruth at Piece Together Counselling in Narre Warren. This was officially my second session with her and I’m beginning to open up to her a bit more now. I was discussing how difficult it is for me to say no and be assertive in doing so.  I’ve also made the decision to let go of my former personal trainer for good. I know that he won’t change and running back to him now is very unhealthy for me. I’ve got a good thing going with my new PT and so I’m just going to focus on that. https://psychcentral.com/lib/learni...

Ruth also helped me recognise my inner-most positive qualities. That getting out of bed, going to work, improving my fitness and well being, going out to gigs and social gatherings are all achievements that I should be celebrating. Dealing with anxiety and depression can be physically and mentally exhausting and yet I’m still trying hard to live and enjoy my life. https://www.piecetogethercousellingnarrewarren.org/...

On Friday morning, I went to my Body Pump class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. I was really debating inside my head whether to go today or not considering I’ve only had about 5 hours sleep but I ended up pushing myself to go as it’s been well over a month since my last Body Pump class. Thankfully this new release is much more manageable and less intense than 100 was but it still had its moments where I began feeling my muscles burn.

Instructor Kerrie actually recognised me from last time. She was hilarious as usual, making jokes about “How we’re all feeling?”. The one thing I love about her is the importance she gives to stretching in between sets. It allows us all to recover as well. The warm-up involved doing several rounds of single rows, clean and press as well as single lunges. We then covered squats, chest, triceps, biceps, shoulders and core.

I decided to switch between 2kg and 3kg weights during the biceps curls as I was fatiguing quite fast at times. Doing back pulses with the plates was probably the worst part of the workout but otherwise I didn’t feel as bad as last time. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

On Friday night, Mum and I went to The Wizard of Oz musical at the Cardinia Cultural Centre in Pakenham. It was a 2.5-3 hour production featuring members of the Cardinia Performing Arts Company. I was absolutely blown away by how talented and professional these individuals were. They went all out with the costumes, set design, music and acting. It all looked spectacular and I was very entertained throughout the show.

Some highlights include the colourful and magical Munchkinland set (Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead), introducing the Scarecrow, Tinman and the Cowardly Lion (If I Had a Brain/Heart/The Nerve), the Poppy Field, the brightly lit and dazzling Emerald City set (The Merry Old Land of Oz) and the dark, gloomy forest set (The Jitterbug). Worthy mentions go out to the brilliant performances by the Wicked Witch (Gulcan Gulen) and Dorothy (Emily Hansford) with the adorable dog Toto.

http://www.cardiniaperformingarts.com/...