#i think i was insecure about my ability to the point that i was dismissive and possibly bordering on critical of the people who were good +

[midwestgender]

for every sports team in a highschool they should have two. one for the people who are actually good at it on competitive level and then one for people who just want to do it for fun/exercise. i think Fuck Around teams would be immensely popular actually

[dambaepuff]

hey hi, could i make a request? Im happy to see another good author starting :) u also seem very nice. could i request a yoongi x preferably fem!reader? if you want you can make it a genderneutral fic. my idea was a scenario were one of them is jealous, i thought of it being her jealous of him, over something stupid, but not in a toxic way like yk just pure jealusy mixed with insecurities. And they have a little petty argument and like it ends with smut i mean they make up to eachother that way :P like smut mixed with fluff at its purest. also, i am really curious to see how u write yoongi, i see many authors making him cold and tough but i believe that he is a very caring softie haha, by the morning wood headcanons, i think you got him very well ;) thank u in advance

REGRETS (m)

Pairing: Idol!Yoongi x FEM!Reader

Genre: angst, fluff, smut, one shot, request, established relationship

Warnings: jealousy, insecurities, a petty argument, depictions of sex, crying, emotional, oral sex (f receiving), vaginal fingering, bodily fluids, penetration (vaginal), a bit of praise, light biting, squirting

Word count: 5k

Summary: uhhh idk dude just read the request that’s pretty much it

A/N: UGH I LOVE THIS IDEA!! I don’t have much experience with writing angst so this was a really nice exercise. Thank you sooo so much for all the kind words, it’s what keeps me writing. I’m also a sucker for soft Yoongi so this is right up my alley. (Also this is not proofread so lmk if there’s any mistakes or anything)

Thursday night, it’s quiet outside. You’re trying to watch a movie with Yoongi. Key word trying. His hand has been gently rubbing your thigh for a few minutes now, whenever he tries sliding it up to tease you, you grab it and put it back onto his lap. He’s clearly trying to get you heated, but it’s having quite the opposite effect. Lately you’ve felt quite out of it, your lack of confidence causing you to avoid intimacy. With Yoongi being the gentleman he is, he always accepts it when he realizes you’re not in the mood and he moves on. However, you’re starting to doubt his ability to keep going like this. What if he realizes you aren’t satisfactory to him anymore? He could easily find someone else who would be all over him in seconds.

Replaceable. That’s how you’ve been feeling lately. He could have anyone he wants, so why you? “Are you not feeling it tonight?” Yoongi’s voice startles you out of your thoughts. “Huh? Oh. No I’m sorry.” You respond, your voice growing quieter with the end of the sentence. “That’s okay, c’mere.” He mumbles before pulling you into his chest, his hand soothing down your back.

‘Will he stay with me if I keep pushing him away like this?’ Is what you keep asking yourself. On one hand you’re afraid he’ll stop loving you if you stop showing him affection. And on the other hand, you’ve been so self conscious lately about your body and if you’re doing things right you don’t know if it’s worse to ruin the relationship by pushing him away or by not being good enough. ‘Do I even deserve to be with him at this point?’

Friday, 4:37PM. You got off work early today so you decided to stop by Yoongi’s studio. He’s still working so you’re lounging around on one of the couches inside of the room. The two of you had made plans to get dinner together when he finishes up for the day which you’re really looking forward to.

A short blurry figure appears at the studio door, they raise their hand up and place three quiet knocks onto the glass. Yoongi gets up with a huff and opens the door. In front of him stands a familiar woman, you can’t quite remember her name, but you’ve seen her around the company building before.

“Here’s your coffee Suga!” She says in a cheery tone. Her eyes land on you and her smile falls a bit. “Oh, I didn’t know you would be here. Sorry I didn’t get you anything.” She apologizes with a light bow of her head. You dismiss her with a wave of your hand before going back to fidgeting with the hem of your sweater. She turns her attention back to Yoongi who is setting his drink down onto his desk. “Hey Suga, a few of us are going to that barbecue place down the street for dinner and drinks tonight. Do you guys wanna come with?” She asks with a tilt of her head, her long black hair swaying with the movement.

“Uhh, yeah?” He looks at you quickly for confirmation to which you nod your head lightly. “Yeah. Sure we’ll come.”

Yoongi continues chatting with the girl. She casually leans against the door frame, the conversation between them flowing oh so easily. ‘It took me ages to be able to talk to him that smoothly. Why couldn’t I be like her?’ You think to yourself, trying your best to not let your irritation show.

He bids her farewell and sits back down at his desk. For the remaining time you spend in his studio all you can look at is him. Your gaze burns holes into his side profile, tracing each curve of his features over and over again. Why would a man whose heart only knows kindness, whose eyes and soul are so understanding of everything be with you? Your being is rotten with unforgiving bitterness, you seethe at every imperfection like a nun enraged by sin. Why would he want you?

He’s like a wild flower. He needs to be pollinated by the love and kindness of a bee to bloom, yet he stays with you, a caterpillar feeding off of him, biting off his flesh for your gain. Eating away at him and leaving nothing. Maybe you aren’t even a caterpillar. They can eventually turn into a beautiful creature with wings of eyeful colors, yet you can’t become anything more than what you are. You’re stuck in a vicious cycle, devouring every resource without paying any mind to the fact there will be nothing left when you’re done. What does he get for loving you if you can’t be of use? You can’t make him bloom.

“(Y/N)? (Y/N)!” You snap out of your thoughts, the reality around you giving you whiplash. Yoongi is kneeling in front of you, holding your jacket out. “Let’s go, we’ll be late.” You try to take it from his hands, but instead of giving it to you he holds it up so you can slip your arms inside. Once it’s on you he turns you around and zips it up for you. “Okay, let’s go.”

As you’re walking down the long hallways towards the elevators, Yoongi notices something odd. You usually grab onto his hand the moment you start walking somewhere together, but your hand is tucked away in your pocket now. He gently pulls it out and intertwines your fingers together. You can’t bring yourself to grip onto him like usual, instead you limply keep your hand at your side, letting him hold it. He’s a bit confused by this, but nevertheless he keeps holding you, his grasp only growing tighter in an effort to reassure you.

Yang Sunhee. Her name popped up in your head the moment she sat down across from you and Yoongi at the long wooden table. She’s been leading the conversation at your part of the table for a while now, mostly talking to Yoongi. To her credit she has tried to include you into the conversation a few times, but you didn’t really give her much to work with so she gave up.

You’ve been pushing your food around your plate for a while now. It’s mostly pieces of meat Yoongi placed down onto it for you, your favorite in fact. You just can’t get yourself to even place anything into your mouth, anxiety squeezing your throat so tightly you can barely even swallow your own saliva.

Sunhee is laughing at something, her eyes bright and her large smile hidden away behind a polite hand. Yoongi is laughing too, maybe not as hard as her, but he’s still laughing. ‘Why am I not the one making him laugh right now? Am I not funny anymore?’

As you’re glaring down at your food you feel a warm hand make contact with your shoulder. “You wanna go home?” Yoongi asks quietly, tucking a stray piece of hair behind your ear. “Yes please.” You breathe out, barely audible. On the drive home Yoongi tries asking what’s wrong multiple times, but all he gets in response is a simple “I just don’t feel too well.”

It’s been a few days now since you had dinner with Yoongi’s coworkers. He realized something was wrong so he’s been giving you some space. To be quite honest you aren’t sure if the space is helping or making it worse. After spending the whole day quietly sobbing to yourself in bed you decide to see what he’s up to. You find him sitting in the living room watching some sort of documentary and looking like he’s about to fall asleep. One of his cheeks is squished against a pillow and his hair is going on all the wrong directions. He looks adorable, your heart almost breaks in two knowing this is who you’ve been pushing away lately.

Taking a seat next to him, he lifts up his blanket so you can use it too. Just as you’re getting sleepy as well his phone pings on the coffee table. Instinctively you reach down for it so you can hand it to him, but when you see the contact name annoyance squeezes at your chest.

Yang Sunhee

Sent a message

“Why is she texting you?” The question slips from your mouth before you can even think it through. “I don’t know, let me see.” He responds while extending his hand out for the phone. You peer over at the screen, shamelessly trying to see what she sent. “Ah it’s just the schedule for next week.” He says and likes the message before setting his phone back down. Now you feel a bit guilty. Why were you questioning the intentions of this woman? She’s his employee after all.

Yoongi’s large hand comes up to cup your face, his thumb gently gliding over your cheekbone. “I know that look, what’s wrong baby?” He asks, his dark eyes skimming your face in search for answers. “It’s nothing.” You respond a bit too quickly, your tone stiff. The corner of Yoongi’s lip quirks up. “You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

Your eyes shoot open, “N-no!” you sputter out a weak defense. His hand slides down to your chin, the grip tightening a bit. His smirk spreads into a smile which angers you. He thinks this is funny?

“Don’t fucking touch me right now.” You say in a way harsher manner than you intended, tearing his hand away from your face. A flash of hurt runs over Yoongi’s face, his smile instantly falling. “Don’t look at me like that! I just- I need a moment right now.” You say in an apologetic tone. “You need a moment? I’ve been giving you a moment for days now. What about me? I keep trying so hard and you don’t show an ounce of being grateful. What’s your problem?” His tone gets louder as he talks, anger evident in his facial expressions.

“Problem? Oh it’s a problem now that I can’t always feel one hundred percent happy? Go sleep with some happy drugged out whore then if that’s what you want!” Without realizing it your tone has risen to a yell, you’re standing now, no longer in the comfort of warm blankets on the couch. “Don’t yell at me!” He yells back, tears beginning to brim his eyes.

“You’re yelling too asshole! Oh you’re gonna cry? Go cry to Sunhee, maybe she can suck your dick to make it better if you can’t go a week without me sucking it!” The moment you finish the last sentence a silence falls over the apartment. Yoongi stares at you wide eyed, unable to form a single sentence.

He looks like a kicked puppy, his eyes watery and his hands trembling. Realizing you went to far the only thing that pops up in your head is leaving the apartment for a bit. You speed walk to the front door, tugging your shoes on quickly and pulling a random jacket on. “Hey, hey! Where are you going?” Yoongi follows you once he realizes what you’re doing. Unable to look at his face you grab your keys and walk out, slamming the door behind you.

Not knowing where to go you walk to the nearest park. Taking a seat on one of the benches you stare up at the moon. “Why did I say that?” You mumble to yourself, tears stinging at your eyes. Your throat contracts, guilt choking you. There’s no holding back now, you let your sobs loose, tears running down your face uncontrollably.

“(Y/N)? Is that you?” A soft voice calls out to your right. Your head shoots up, trying to find the source of the sound. There stands Sunhee, she seems to be in her pajamas with a puffer jacket thrown on top. Her hair is a mess and she’s holding a leash. A little white dog sniffs around near her legs, you assume it’s her’s.

“What’s wrong?” She asks as she sits down next to you. “Ah don’t worry about it.” You mumble, sniffling lightly. “You’re so pretty (Y/N), I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look good while they cry before.” Sunhee says with a genuine smile. “I- uh what?” You tilt your head to the side in confusion. “If I didn’t have a girlfriend I’d be jealous of Suga for having a girlfriend as pretty as you.” She giggles lightly.

“WHAT?” The question comes out harsher than you intend, the whole situation confusing you. “Listen, if you ever leave Suga just give me a call.” She says with a playful wink. You laugh in disbelief, your tears completely gone now. “You’re funny Sunhee.” You say, still sniffling lightly. “I’m not joking, but thank you.” She giggles along with you.

“Now why are you outside so late?” She asks while pulling her dog up into her lap. “I had a fight with Yoongi, I didn’t really know where else to go. I’m kind of scared to face him right now.” You answer truthfully. “Girl, have you seen how he looks at you? That man is a goner, I’m sure whatever you argued about isn’t that bad. You should go home and apologize, you can talk it through.” She says while giving you an encouraging smile. “You think so?” You ask quietly. “I know so.”

Even with Sunhee’s encouragement you’re still unsure. Guilt wracks through your whole body, pressing down on your insides and making you nauseous. You try to be as quiet as possible when you enter the apartment, but the sound of the heavy front door closing and jingling of keys betrays you. Just as you’re taking your shoes off you hear shuffling down the hallway. Yoongi’s dark figure emerges, you’re ready to hear something nasty from him, but instead you’re met with two warm arms wrapped around you.

“Thank god you’re safe.” He mumbles before kissing the top of your head. “I’m sorry Yoongi, I’m so sorry baby. Please don’t leave me. I didn’t-“ you’re cut off by a hiccup, your tears returning. “I didn’t mean to say any of that. Please, please don’t leave me I’ll never do that again…” You sob into his chest. “Shhhhh, I know you didn’t mean it, I should’ve done some things differently too.” His hand softly pets your head.

“I’ve been trying to figure out why you’ve been acting so weird lately and I think I get it now. You look at her like she killed your dog. You know she’s a lesbian right?” You can’t help but laugh a bit at that. “Yeah I kind of found that out just now.” You mumble, your fingers tangling into the material of his shirt. “Why don’t you like her?” You can feel him softly smile against your hair as he asks the question.

“I don’t know I just-“ You try to form the right words, but they won’t come. “Ugh! She��s just so pretty and she’s really open, it feels like she’s perfect and has everything you could need and I’m just sort of me? I don’t know, it’s stupid. I’m just projecting.” Yoongi listens intently to everything you say while he takes your jacket off. “Lately I’ve felt like the shell of who I was when you met me, you know? I’m just sort of bleh- and every other woman around me seems to have her shit togehter.” A tear runs down your cheek and Yoongi chases it away with his thumb.

“It’s why I’ve been avoiding having sex lately. I just feel gross and ugly while you… you look like you were sculpted by the ancient Greeks. You need a Hera to your Zeus. I’m like a satyr or something!” You let out a bitter laugh, trying to mask your feelings. “Hmm I think we’re more like Orpheus and Eurydice. Except I don’t want to lose you the way he lost her. They were such perfect lovers, yet there was something tragic about them. What’s love without tragedy?” He softly spoke, continuing to wipe your tears. You let out a genuine laugh and hit his chest lightly. “You idiot! You don’t get it.”

“I think I at least partially get it. I mean hell you make my knees weak whenever you look me in the eye woman, and we’ve been dating for years! I’d go to the pits of hell for you a million times more than Orpheus if it meant having a bit more time to spend with you. There’s no other person that could fulfill your role in my life as well as you do. I love you for you, you’re my muse. My light.” He places a ginger peck onto your forehead.

Love and desire suddenly flood through you, grabbing the collar of his shirt you pull him into a rough kiss. A few more tears make their way past your eyelids, but these ones of relief and joy rather than sadness and frustration. Yoongi gladly accepts your advances, kissing you back firmly. He barely wastes any time trying to get his tongue intertwined with yours. Your interwoven muscles becoming a metaphor for your souls combining together, the act of physical intimacy projecting your consciousness into one being, content and whole.

One of your hands shoot up to grip his hair a bit tighter than necessary which makes him release a deep moan. He pants against your lips, trying to catch his breath, but unable to fully separate your bodies. As he had endured yearning for you such a torturous amount, how could he let you go now?

He presses you flat against the door, holding you down chest to chest. His cold hands slide up your shirt, the contrast of temperature making you shiver. Caressing the skin of your stomach so lightly it tickles, he snakes one of his hands behind your back, swiftly unclipping your bralette in one movement. You let it drop to the floor, the only thing on your mind right now being the feeling of his body on yours. With his hands lightly ghosting over your breasts now, you shudder each time one of his fingers brushed against your nipples. Slowly he pulls your shirt off, the cold night air bites at your skin making your nipples harden. Instinctively your arms shoot up to cover yourself, but Yoongi stops you. He firmly grips your wrists and pins them down above your head.

Now fully exposed to him, he looks you in the eyes before licking a fat stripe from the area between your breasts to your neck. Lightly blowing onto the wet part of your skin, you take in a deep breath from the sensation. He begins to trail kisses down to your chest, letting go of your hands so he can bring you as close to him as possible. You tug at his hair softly as he mouthes at ode of your breasts, his tongue lightly teasing the soft bud. He groans softly before kissing down lower so he can get onto his knees.

He kneels before you know, unashamed of the submissive position he’s in. His teeth occasionally graze your stomach between sloppy open mouthed kisses. Looking up at you through his lashes, Yoongi starts undoing your pants. He pushes them down as if they’re getting in the way and moves his kisses down to your thighs. His uncalculated mouth moves dangerously close to your clothed cunt. Hovering over it he purposefully breathes through his mouth so you can feel his warm breath on your skin. You gasp when he suddenly pressed his nose against your pussy and inhales deeply. You can peel the tips of your ears heating up from embarrassment, but Yoongi doesn’t seem to care in the slightest.

“Ugh, fuck how I missed this part of you.” He groans as he kisses over the thin fabric. Finding your clit almost immediately he starts to roll his tongue against it through your panties. Your arousal and his saliva mix together in the material causing an uncomfortable need for real contact.

“Yoongi, take it off already…” you whisper to him, brushing his bangs out of his face. Looking up at you with a cheeky smirk he grabs onto the hem of your underwear with his teeth, making sure to lightly graze your sensitive skin with them as he pulls down. Your panties don’t even have the chance to reach the floor and his mouth is already on you again. He runs his tongue through your folds, making you instinctively angle your hips to give him more access. Heedlessly circling your clit with his tongue, he occasionally sucks on it or flicks it. You’re unsure if his mouth is glistening from his own saliva or from your wetness, but the sloppy noises he’s making are causing you to involuntarily buck your hips into his mouth.

“You’re so beautiful like this, my sweet girl.” He mumbles as he pulls away, nuzzling his head into your thigh. Replacing his tongue with his fingers, you let out a quiet moan when he slips them inside of you. “I love having you like this, only for me to see. You know I’d never do this for anyone else, right?” He emphasizes the question by pressing his fingers down against your sweet spot. ”Shit, Yoongi. I love you so much, no one makes me cum like you do.” Your response comes out in a dragged out whine.

Satisfied with your reply his mouth returns to your clit while his fingers work you open. The combination of sensations makes an orgasm built up in your abdomen fast. “Yoon- Yoongi, I’m gonna ah- I’m gonna cum!” You moan out, trying to warn him. This only encourages him to go faster as an orgasm ripples through you in harsh waves, your head falling back against the door as your eyes roll into the back of your head. You spasm slightly as he continues to work your cunt, trying to pull him away so he doesn’t overstimulate you.

He licks off your juices from his fingers, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. As soon as he’s back on his feet you go in for a kiss, leaning on him for support while still coming down from your high. He refuses to let your lips part as he leads you to the bedroom, his shirt and pants getting lost along the way.

“Lay down baby.” He mumbled against your lips as he led you to the bed. Kneeling down between your legs he made sure you were comfortable on your pillow. No matter how basic, missionary was always the best when you needed to express your love sexually. Parting your lips he pulls you down a little so your thighs are pressed together. He grabs his erect cock out of his underwear, not even bothering to get rid of the boxers. Pumping it a few times he gives you a dopey look, a lazy smirk spreading on his face.

“You ready?” He rasps out, rubbing the tip of his cock against your swollen clit, mixing his precum together with the aftermath of your previous orgasm. “A little too ready.” You replied, running a hand through your hair. “Mmm I can tell.” He teases while spreading the natural lubricant over his cock. Slowly he pressed the tip in, “Fuck, it’s going in so easily, o barely had to prep you. You really want it, don’t you?” his brows crease together in pleasure as he slowly bottoms out. “Yes, fuck Yoongi I want your cock so bad.” Your hand shoots up to grab onto his shoulder, biting your lip at the fullness.

“Please, (Y/N). Can I move?” He murmured, holding onto your hips tightly. “Yes, fuck me Yoongi.” You replied, grabbing his face to place a wet kiss onto his lips. He let out a low moan as he started thrusting into you, the warmth and wetness of your cunt feeling better each time he fucked it. You lightly squeezed your walls on purpose knowing it drives him crazy. “Oh my- ah shit I won’t last long at all if you do that.” He said breathily, his hips jerking forward involuntarily. You hooked one of your legs onto his hips, pulling him forward so he’s pressed into your cunt as deeply as possible. The both of you groaned at that, as soon as you let go he started thrusting into you with a quicker pace. His movements rapidly increased with each slap of skin that echoed throughout the space, his head thrown back. That look on his face means he’s absolutely lost in please and that makes you proud. He molds so perfectly inside you it makes all of your doubts melt away, it’s like he was made for you.

Matching the pace of his thrust to his fingers flicking your clit, Yoongi can swear he can feel you pulsating around him. “Ah, fuck (Y/N) I think I’m gonna cum already. Shit I’m sorry it just feels too good.” He groans, the already pink tips of his ears darkening. “It’s okay, go ahead baby, cum inside me.” You breathily respond, continuing to moan with each of his thrusts. He speeds up before abruptly stopping, the feeling of his warm seed filling you up making you clench around his cock. “Wait, shit, shit run my pussy please I’m so close too.” His fingers immediately speed up on your clit, furiously flicking it as your abdomen tightens again. As the hot white pleasure rips through your whole body, making your muscles spasm you hear a wet noise. Looking down the moment you can open your eyes you see Yoongi’s lower stomach covered in a clear liquid.

“Did you just make me squirt?” You laugh in disbelief. “That’s a first.” He mumbles before pulling his cock out, various liquids gliding down your ass. “I’ll go get a towel. He quickly gets up, trying his best not to make any of his surroundings wet.

As the two of you are laying in bed, your warm baked bodies pressed together, you feel Yoongi’s chest vibrate as he speaks up. “From now on, you always have to tell me when something’s bothering you, okay?” He softly says, stroking your hair. “Okay.” You whisper back. “Promise?” He questions while raising his pinky finger up, you lock yours with his, pressing your thumbs together. “Promise.”

[narrativelysignificantturtleduck]

something that makes sokka extremely adhd relatable is that he's constantly looking for his Thing, the one Thing he's good at or useful for that makes up for any failings or flaws or ways he just can't measure up to others. at the beginning of the show he defines himself by being the oldest boy in the village & best warrior, but then he gets his ass kicked by zuko and suki and sees aang's raw power and he can't exactly think fighting is his special skill anymore. but he still thinks he has to be defined by fighting ('man of the house' daddy issues) so he calls himself the guy with the boomerang bc that's turned out to be his most useful and versatile and unique weapon, the one that other people can't outclass him at (after all, it's his most successful attack in his fight with zuko). when he loses it in "avatar day" he explicitly says it's like losing a key part of his identity and the moment katara goes "hey you're good at solving mysteries" he's like "yeah! i'm a detective! that's my new thing! and gets a new set of objects to signify it ("i believe in the power of stuff"). but detective sokka doesn't last bc throughout the entire episode he and katara are pretty equally matched in detective skills and he gets his boomerang back anyway. failed experiment.

and throughout all of this, he's figured out that people find his insistance on getting them fed & his grumpy comments funny and so he begins defining himself as the meat and sarcasm guy, and when he's a tough spot in "bitter work", bargaining with the universe to get him help, he offers that up as all he's got to give. it's obviously a Joke that he immediately asks for meat after telling the universe he'll give it up but it's also pretty indicative of how much he clings to these identities. it's all he's got (he thinks), of COURSE he can't actually give it up. they stuck that boy in a hole for 22 minutes and it revealed so much about how he sees himself.

at some point (likely around "the library" when he takes initiative to come up with a fire nation invasion plan) he also becomes the plan guy, the idea guy, and the gaang find themselves looking to him for leadership. this is perhaps the closest to fully encompassing sokka that any of his "[blank] guy" labels get, since coming up with plans involves planning when and how to fight (boomerang guy) & how to get everyone fed (meat), and people not following his plans is a major source of frustration (sarcasm).

this all culminates in "sokka's master", where the show finally names the underlying insecurity driving this quest - that he's a nonbender. katara being the last waterbender meant she was in danger and that keeping her safe was top priority, and even though hakoda and kya wouldn't have played favorites sokka probably felt a little like the unfavorite child for not being special like her. he lacks an ability, and believes his life has less value bc of it. almost like somebody with a disability and internalized ableism

(interesting, one of the people who most consistently mocks sokka for being a nonbender is toph, early on. toph has a lot of internalized ableism herself, a fear of vulnerability bc she doesn't want to perceived as weak like her parents thought she was. her bending is her disability aid, the thing that allows her to be stronger than people think, so she dismisses a nonbender until she learns better.)

piandao's response to sokka's lack of self-worth is not to train him to be great at one thing, but to introduce him to a variety of different arts, show him that his value lies not in having any one skill but in his capacity to learn and grow. there's no single thing that makes him worthy. it isn't even the combination of all of them that makes him worthy. he simply is worthy.

and i don't know if this is a unique narrative in fiction or anything but it really means a lot to me that sokka doesn't have One Thing that "makes up" for him not being a bender. he's of course extremely skilled and prodigious at many things he does in the show but there's no one savant talent that "justifies" him being in the group and i feel like so many disability narratives - especially for kids - go that route and i really appreciate that atla doesn't and simply says people are valuable because they are valuable, not because of their special abilities

[rat-shark]

some thoughts about Chuck and Texas (character analysis?)

thinking bout they're actually very similar, at least in my perception

and it's not visible at first glance, they seem like polar opposites, actually - Chuck, anxious, withdrawn, kinda insecure; Texas, loud, confident, certified bragger and bullshitter

but that's not entirely true, when you get into it

from Texasify, I think it's safe to say that Texas does all that - constant boasting, coming up with a million ideas that no one really asked for - cause he feels like the team, or specifically Mike doesn't appreciate him enough and take him seriously. and honestly, isn't that what Fearless and Blonde Thunder tackle, but from Chuck's perspective? He takes the booster cause he feels like, because of his fear, he isn't on the same level as the other Burners, and in Blond Thunder it's even more obvious. He even pulls a Texas move at the beginning of the episode and starts bragging about how good of a driver he is, even though he's never been behind the wheel. He's scared the Burners will think he's a joke if they knew he wasn't as good at driving as them. These episodes (Texasify, Thunder and Fearless to an extent) are literally about the same thing except in relation to two different characters.

And the thing is, both Tex and Chuck ARE right - the Burners DON'T take them seriously. In Amazons we see that the Burners dismiss Texas's idea to infiltrate the other gangs from the get-go and only humor him because they think it's funny. Even Mike is very opposed to Texas's ideas (which I thought was kinda out of character honestly but let's not get into that), basically treating him like an annoyance, or even a hindrance to his own plan.

Chuck ALSO doesn't get treated seriously by the gang. In Fantasy Vans, they start out making fun of his hobby, cracking jokes and basically laughing at him instantly. And yeah, okay, guess you can say it doesn't rly matter cause it's just a hobby (even though it's clearly important to him), but in Fearless we see them sat around a table and laughing at him screaming in fear for his life, very obviously making him the butt of the joke.

What I think is especially interesting is that Texas is probably most guilty of this (making fun of Chuck), with him laughing at Chuck the loudest and even making snide comments. And then what makes that even MORE interesting is that Texas very clearly recognizes Chuck's intelligence while not thinking he himself is smart (very evident in the texasified intro where "Texas is intelligent" is the only claim he backtracks on)

I think it's safe to say that Texas feels a kind of insecurity cause of not being as academically gifted as the others, ESPECIALLY Chuck. Idk if I'd go as far as to say he feels resentment, but it's definitely a neat idea to explore.

What is ALSO important to point out that the show itself doesn't take them seriously. Both Texas and Chuck are often made to be the comic relief character - Chuck with his screaming and clumsiness and Texas with his outlandish ideas and lack of understanding of situations he finds himself in.

BUT that's not where the similarities end. I like how both of these characters don't seem to have problems with... let's say departing from the truth. Obviously, Texas just makes up stories that never happened to make himself look more heroic, or overexaggerates his abilities, but Chuck does that too, to an extent. Like I said before, he lies in Blond Thunder, he also has no problem with taking the booster and not telling anyone about it, or not admitting that his first LARPing win was due to him tripping, essentially taking credit for something he didn't really do (a thing that Texas also does, most visibly in Threat level)

Another thing, which is maybe less important but present nonetheless, is that both of them have negative rizz. Texas, thanks to his over-confidence comes off as douchy and, dare I say, misogynystic, whereas Chuck is so insecure he basically forgets how to speak around Claire.

They both also care very deeply about Mike's opinion. Texas clearly feels inferior to Mike and feels like they're in a constant competition, resulting in him trying very hard to impress him. With Chuck, it's a little different - his need of Mike's validation pushes him to try to be better. He comes clean to Mike about the LARPing thing (even though he didn't need to) and takes the booster mostly because of Mike also, then, of course it's Mike who gets him to take it out. It makes sense, of course, since Mike is the leader of the Burners, placing him directly above Tex hierarchically, and Chuck's best friend, but neither Dutch nor Julie feel that need to prove themselves to Mike constantly (Julie feels the need to prove herself in Off the rack, but I think it's mostly targeted towards the team as a whole and not Mike specifically)

Also also, little thing, but it's funny how they both don't have canon last names

Overall, Texas and Chuck are actually two sides of the same coin and I really REALLY wish we'd gotten more interactions between them. Also they both have super ultra autism. You see it, right? You totally do

[dk-ghostmachines]

I gotta talk about FourDogs (again)

It's barely about her, though. I think "he's so lucky his dad was brutally murdered" and "people with trauma need a second handicap because they're too motivated" are such absolute-the-fuck-ly bonkers takes, they're not even worth the time it took me to get mad about them, which was immediately. This time around, I have way more to say about audience reception. I'll try to keep it civil.

It feels like a lot of us are responding from increasingly personal places because these are characters with which a lot of us identify, or we see traits in them that remind us of people from our real lives. And hey! Another performance and storytelling slay on the part of one Brennan Lee Mulligan. Who else can invent 50+ characters every year and play them to the point where any one of them can evoke both an "omg that's literally me!" and an "omg that's literally Dani, the girl that bullied me all of freshmen year until I punched out her front tooth in the student parking lot and got in-school suspension for a month!". And whether Kipperlily reminds you of Dani, or reflects your own anxieties about potential, ability, and trauma, an important thing to remember is this: she is not real!

Brennan made her up! Brennan made her up to tell a story, and when he made her up, he made her annoying, petty, antagonistic, and he gave her not just opposing goals to the the protagonists we know and love, but the explicit goal of ruining The Bad Kids' lives, specifically.

Now, I'm not saying she's fictional to be a dick, or dismiss any deeper readings on her or any of the Rat Grinders. I'm bringing it up because the way I'm seeing people talk to each other about these characters is starting to get a little wild and it's in danger of waking up The Olde Gods™ (i.e. the special brand of Tumblr Self-Righteousness that lives inside us all).

It's important to remember Kipperlilly is a character in a fictive work so that different interpretations of her don't get treated as stone law. Each reading of her is personal and valid, but none are gospel. The "Kipperlilly is but a victim" take is not the only correct one, nor is radical empathy for her as a character the only correct reaction. Also, even if I consider her sympathetic that is not incompatible with an opinion like "Kipperlilly needs to get roundhouse'd in the head by a lesbian in a tracksuit and/or a wizard in a jean jacket, posthaste". Sure, you can say that anyone who doesn't feel a deep and eclipsing empathy for Kipperlilly above all other emotions is immature at best and sociopathic at worst, but then I can just say anyone who demands solely empathy for Kipperlilly and excuses her literal crimes and bass-ackwards world view because she's insecure and has anger issues, is probably also someone who has a history of weaponizing whatever minority status they may or may not occupy to talk over, silence, or harass people of color.

They're both just opinions. And also, like. Y'know. A bit much.

To engage in the long and rich tradition of measuring character trajectories against those in the Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon, let's compare Kipperlilly to Azula. Azula had an incredibly sympathetic backstory and untreated mental health issues. Azula was also a danger to herself and others, as well as profoundly manipulative and abusive (although, it was a children's show so Azula never killed anybody for whatever that's worth). Do I wish that fourteen-year-old girl had an Iroh-type in her life? Literally one adult who loved her genuinely and advocated for her best interests? Of course I do. I saw the Ember Island episode, I watched that one video essay! Does that mean it was any less satisfying to watch Zuko and Katara kick her absolute ass? No! And it was non-lethal anyway, children's show, duh.

That brings me to my other thing; Kipperlilly is a character in a fictive work that is not finished. And I know that point will age poorly, but I'm thinking it won't be the only one (hey-o). Remember the people that were calling The Bad Kids bullies? And then we learned that Kipperlilly hated Riz because his fucking dad fucking died?? And that was a full academic year before getting reanimated by a rage god?? I'll do a tame one; remember when Gilear wasn't cursed?? He was "just a guy"?? The show is serialized, gang, the world is still building! Clerickiller is not done yet, y'all need to let her cook! I'm sure we'll tune in next week to see her graduate from "unhinged" to "unaffiliated with the door frame or any frame-like structure". Reprimanding people on Tumblr will not change the trajectory of this character who, by the way, has not expressed remorse or any desire for a path other than violence. You look me in my black face after your blorbo slits a kid's throat and say "help her"?? Kipperlilly doesn't want get better right now, she wants one thing and that's for Kristen Applebees to go fuck herself and die!! You were there, you heard it!! When the fictional behavior changes, as it often does in stories, so will my opinion. There is no fore-forgiveness. Without an actual redemption arc I will continue to see the villain as a villain.

Speaking of, I think what some people have an issue with is the level of hate Kipperlilly's getting and how aggressive it is. But like.... isn't that allowed?? Because of all the stuff I said but also because like, mama said that it was okay! And by "mama" I mean Siobhan Thompson who said Kipperlilly belongs under the jail. Sure, in the real world, adults don't tell kids they belong in the ground that's crazy fucked up, but all these kids are played by adults and Emily as Fig joked that she was gonna smite the sixteen-year-old girl played by the thirty-something man. You're telling me the antagonist antagonizes the protagonists, and the protagonists go "boo, hiss" and then I, the audience, go "boo, hiss as well" but I'm wrong? I'm wrong, somehow, cool checks out.

"They're XP Levelling*punches a locker*!!"

"That girl is worse than Kalvaxus."

"Littledoggy Girlcollar"

Am I not engaging with the narrative on it's own terms if I say "i'd tell Clerickiller to die mad, but she clearly already did, Jojo Siwa head-ass, in reference to that fuck-ass ponytail and your toxic yuri" Do I need to draw a little caitmay-style OC to say it for me, would that be better?

God-forbid, we have fun? Must we discourse, always? FourDogs is tragic, FourDogs is compelling, FourDogs is Dani from 9th grade. She is Azula from Avatar and Clare from Fleabag and Brennan Lee Mulligan from my dreams and that is something that can be so personal. But no one else has to participate in your parasocial relationship. What's crazy is, I actually like Kipperlilly! As a character. I mean, the "trauma is privilege" obviously hit a nerve with me because of real life stuff, but the image of her over the rogue teacher's grave?? With a backhoe and a "gotcha, bitch" expression??? Come on, that is fresh-off-the-vine Cunt™. Even more so than I imagined that moment to be when we first heard about it. Her ending up in a Ragh or Aelwyn place would be way more satisfying than a Goldenrod or Penelope Everpetal place, BUT IT WILL ALSO be satisfying to see whatever Kipperlilly's version of the locked-in-a-chokehold-and-being-gaslit-into-thinking-you-shit-the-coach's-pants-scene is. In addition to the non-lethal ass-kicking that proceeds it.

Y'all can chuck the insinuation that something so clearly subjective is actually objective and has moral implications that make me bad, directly in the garbage. What is this, religion, hey-o.

[autistic-ben-tennyson]

Drafts for my next fanfic: Couple’s Therapy

I thought of doing a Connverse/Benlie fic for a while and am a bit more confident with my writing skills than I was then. I don’t have all the ideas down but I do have some of the character dynamics figured out. Basically what happens is Steven visits Bellwood with Connie while on his road trip, post Future, and they end up having to help Ben and Julie sort out some of their issues.

Connverse does remind me a bit of a healthier and better written Benlie which is why I picked them. Both shows take a lot of inspiration from anime like Sailor Moon and Evangelion with Ben and Steven being the male version of Usagi Tsukino with a bit of Shinji Ikari thrown in. Both also get hate from their fandoms and are seen as “bland” for being a heterosexual white boy while ignoring the nuances of the character. People in both fandoms make Julie or Connie into toxic girlfriends usually to prop up another ship like Stevinel or Bwen which is gross or Brooken/Bevin. Nothing against slash but there’s no need to trash the female characters to prop up gay ships. There may also be some racism from Bwen/Stevinel fans with Ben/Steven’s love interests being POC.

My interpretation of Ben and Steven’s dynamic is sort of a middle ground between them being bros and @theangrycomet’s headcanon that they can’t stand each other. Ben’s attitude reminds Steven a bit of pre development Lars and Kevin (SU’s Kevin, not Kevin Levin). Both envy each other and think the other has it easy. Steven envies Ben’s relatively normal upbringing and his ability to remove his powers if he wished. Ben is irked by Steven not having to deal with people like Will Harangue and him having far less responsibilities post CYM.

They do eventually connect over some of their shared experiences, mainly the gem and Highbreed wars. Hearing about Steven befriending and healing Lapis and Peridot may remind Ben a bit of Reinrassig. Ben opens up a little about wanting fame because he’s always been in the shadow of Gwen and wanted to feel special reminding Steven of his issues with Rose/Pink. Ben’s love of aliens like Feedback because they make him feel strong and guilt over the loss bring back memories of Amethyst’s insecurities for Steven and Ben’s need to act strong as the leader to the point he pulls 4 all nighters reminds Steven of Garnet’s struggles as well as his own in episodes like ‘The Test’.

I think Connie and Julie would have an easier time getting along. Both being good at school and fond of activities like tennis, although Connie has no plans for it as a career. Connie’s political ambitions and need to prep for college early do remind Julie a bit of Gwen which worries her on whether Connie has issues with perfectionism. Priyanka is still a better parent than Natalie btw. Julie is shown to be very competitive and headstrong which concerns Connie. Remember how she demanded a rematch when Ben used Brainstorm to win a round of mini golf. Both of them have some trauma that’s often ignored and are quick to respond violently in a panic attack. Connie at least had Garnet to help her practice mindfulness which she may try to share with Julie who was neglected by the other characters and the writers.

Both can relate to feeling undervalued. Steven forgetting that they were meant to be a team when he sacrificed himself to Homeworld and not caring about how it hurt Connie. Ben not caring about Ship and insisting she stay home in ‘Pet Project’ or his treatment of her in ‘Duped’ and ‘The Flamekeeper’s Circle’. Julie being dismissed as just the “girlfriend of Ben Tennyson” in the latter episode does bring back memories of Pearl telling Connie she means nothing and is just supposed to be a knight for Steven. Both can also relate to saving their partners in their darkest moments. Connie helping monster Steven in ‘I am My Monster’ and Julie stopping Ben from abusing the power of Ascalon in ‘The Ultimate Enemy’.

I do have some other ideas down such as Ben and Steven unintentionally swapping jackets like Ben and Rex did in Heroes United or a race between the Dondai and DX Mark 10 which will boost Ben’s ego much to everyone’s annoyance. It will stay mostly canon to the shows with the stuff I don’t like in Omniverse getting cut, sort of like Ben 10 Guardians. The US in SU has different states than Ben 10 which is mostly the same as the real world. I do not hate Kai, Ester, Kevin or Rook btw or those who prefer them with Ben, I just prefer Benlie even if the writing went downhill. Nor do I hate OV or its fans, I just prefer UAF. Writing this post, I also realized that Ester and Spinel have similar powers which is just a coincidence but funny. I wanted to write this for a while but never got the time or motivation to do so until now.

[verdemoun]

backstage of a talent show where all her friends (who saw this with her), her aunty, her da, her grandda and the guy who she’s supposedly having an affair with are there, and the da starts trying to fight the guy who shes had an affair with, only for the ma to reveal it was actually an english tutoring group she was attending. and the main bit of this conversation that makes me think of them is da/lenny “why didn’t you just tell me?” ma/sean “i didnt want to say anything because well the idea that someone like me could go back to school-the idea that someone like me could even go to university, well it didnt seem possible. i thought theres no point in telling anyone about this because its not actually going to happen. its not real.” da/lenny “well lets make it real if thats what you want” SORRY FOR THE YAPFEST you dont have to make anything of this it just honestly made me think of ur au macsummers and how sean has better access to education but is insecure about his abilities AND I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS WITH YOU SORRY😭

that is the most precious thing i have ever fucking read.

maeve would have heard them having a hissed argument at her show, with sean preferring lenny to think he's having an affair over admitting he was considering going to school, only to drop 'that's da's teacher he's helping him practice his reading now just a remember i'm the star of the show rn'.

lenny was flabbergasted. sean looked humiliated. lenny couldn't stop himself asking why he didn't ask him if he really was trying to learn to read and sean admitted a) when lenny reads it's just distractingly hot. like lenny reading to him was one of their date things in canon era, he can't listen to lenny reading even if it's that stupid condescending sounding out words without wanting to jump his bones and b) sean gets. really short tempered and angry when he doesn't understand something. it's misdirected embarrassment but he is working with someone who to tutoring in prisons and is really immune to responding to sean's outbursts, whereas they both know it would start a fight because they have always fed off each other's energies better or worse. but mostly the first point.

lenny makes it clear that he is overwhelmingly supportive and if sean does decide to go to school he is with him 100% of the way and they can make it happen. he also squeezes sean's hand when sean tries to dismiss it as too hard and says it is fine if he wants to quit doing the lessons or whatever but he's just, so proud and in love with him for giving it a shot and maybe sean could read to him next date night, which earned him a questionably passionate kiss and maeve making the typical child disgusted by parents showing affection noise.

maeve proceeded to go on stage dressed as her grand-da darragh (who she has never met in this timeline but heard and loves all sean's stories) and give a speech about british pigs and the unification of ireland that ruffled more than a few feathers. especially when her monologue ended with adams family style fake blood spurting from her sleeves as she collapsed to the ground screaming 'for ireland!!' before dying. her parents were all very proud and talked the teacher down from suspension to 3 days detention.

[catchyhuh]

What do you think they get insecure about (if anything)?

WELL! AT LEAST THE UNLEASHING OF ALL THIS IS TECHNICALLY YOUR FAULT AND NOT MINE 

lupin:

this is a point of contention among lupin fans. i haven’t even said what it is just the idea that lupin would have insecurities could be contentious BUT PERSONALLY, PERSONALLY, TO ME, he’s insecure about his… job. of sorts

not that he thinks he’s doing a bad job at it. oh no of course not that he KNOWS he’s the best in the business. and he doesn’t really mind all that stealing shit either that’s genuinely fun. enriches him. but sometimes, he sees people, good people, going about their lives, and he has this split second, barely cognizant thought of-- am i stuck here?

lupin can be whoever he wants to be and yet is stuck being lupin the third at all times. he COULD just change his name, his face, his documents, live life the way any person does, and really, who’d truly stop him? but, in his eyes, that’s just not feasible. 

the thought hits him one second and hes over it the next, but the small window of time where he does linger on it is… weird, for him. so he doesn’t let it linger. he shudders, dismisses the thought as the random impulse it is, and continues on contentedly. MORE than contentedly!

jigen:

this is really weird but… seemingly nothing. jigen is so apathetic, so set on being unbothered by the negative after seeing so much of it, that there’s really nothing he sees within himself that makes him feel… bad. and empty and miserable.

if there’s anything that could be comparable, it would be that “i should have done x” feeling. even if, when he’s in a better mood, he recognizes that a lot of times in those situations there really wasn’t anything he COULD do. there was nothing he could do to save that person, either from death or from themselves, there was nothing he could do to stop a bomb or a fire or any other unexpected destruction, but if he allows himself the briefest vulnerability over it for a moment, if he puts himself back in his shoes the day it happened, 10 minutes after it happened, he thinks, was it me? should i have done more? should i have done less?

like lupin, it usually doesn’t take long to dismiss. the two of them had a rough, late night conversation about it once, when it was just the two of them on the job, alone in the motel room. it eats away at both of them, in the tiniest of spurts, thinking about whether or not they were responsible for these horrible things regardless of intent. they went to bed, woke up, got back in the car and never discussed it again

fujiko:

i know we talk a lot about fujiko’s manufactured perceived coldness but IT AFFECTS A LOT OF THINGS! fujiko doesn’t doubt herself. her abilities, her priorities-- but sometimes she wonders what she’d be like if she hadn’t made the choices that led her to this point. not necessarily stresses over it, mind you, just. wonders.

i’m a firm believer (as is canon to my understanding) that there’s no one “reason” fujiko is the way she is. she just… is! fujiko is fujiko by her own doing. it’s an interesting parallel to put against lupin and goemon, who were quite literally molded into this life from birth, vs someone who actively chose it. and she doesn’t make bad decisions. she knows she doesn’t! but as a meticulous planner, it’s hard to ignore the infinite ‘what ifs’ rattling around in her head like they’re trying to win a cage match. 

make no mistake, fujiko is never SERIOUSLY entertaining the possibility of a world where she isn’t taking what she pleases and doing as she likes! carpe diem baby! you go for it fujiko. but she does wonder sometimes if she’s TOO good at this. is she letting herself have fun with this beyond just getting the object of her attention? is she going to be content with said item next month, or even next week? is she satisfied? the answer is a pretty solid no, and nobody knows that better than her. but… it spirals, on brief occasion. is she going to be content with where she is? who she’s around? will she EVER be satisfied? and… is it a bad thing if she won’t be? but, as you may have noticed there’s a pattern here, as she forces the thought back down into her heart as soon as it pops up

goemon:

i know everything with goemon seems to circle back around to his skills or his legacy and he’s MORE than that, of course he’s more than that but. he’s not insecure about much else. if you can even call it insecurity, it might be more like… a lack of confidence? there’s a subtle difference there to ME OKAY

he shares the same irrational responsibility fear that, when you think about it, likely all of them have (including fujiko, make no mistake) but he does take it to a specific personal degree. it’s harder for him to push that thought away, because… if it’s really something that’s concerning him, he COULD HAVE prevented it. he knows he can’t stop natural disasters and freak accidents, but he could stand in front of the gun, he could deflect faster, he could stop that person he’s currently fighting for god’s sake from slipping off the edge of that rainy rooftop. maybe they could have been better, if their life hadn’t ended so quickly. he doesn’t really delight in killing, just viewing it as a necessity and an important one at that. but he hates unnecessary spilled blood, and he’s said so many times

and unlike the others, he blames this solely on his physical ability more than his mental one. he’s not fast enough, not strong enough, not delicate enough, and he owes it to others to… BE all these things to the nth degree. he owes it to the gang as much as he owes it to the strangers that get trapped in the crossfire of their business

zenigata:

what ISNT he insecure about amirite!!1!!!!

this one will get very sad, very overanalytical, very long, and again very sad very fast. if you thought i slipped into misery with the others a little too much you have no idea what you’re in for with THIS motherfucker so let’s just say he can tell his huge large baby cow eyes are damaging his street cred and it’s embarrassing and leave it at that 

we good with that? we good (translator’s note: this means the author cannot think about this for more than 2 minutes without feeling an empty, horrible pit in their gut. unless you want to feel bad for the rest of the day consider yourself lucky you’ve been spared of this)

[princeescaluswords]

"This is the same fandom who can easily see that Eli Hale is implied to be Stiles’s stand in" literally EVERYONE noticed/pointed out that Eli is Stiles' replacement & an almost identical copy of Stiles (same mannerism, same hand gestures, same body language, etc). Not just fandom. Every single review points it out. It's no coincidence that they chose an actor who looks like Dylan, who rejected the TWM. Even Hoechlin admitted that Eli reminds him of Stiles, but Posey and Jeff forbid him to say it

I want to thank you for providing me with a crystal-clear example of what I've been trying to point out for years. This is exactly the "weird, twisted, and bizarre" behavior that Posey was talking about, which by some fantastic coincidence you submitted to my inbox exactly nine years after he said those words. This is what caused Poseygate, this obscene ability to look at what is actually happening on the screen and come to the absolutely wrong conclusion.

You will notice in my original post, that I never said that Eli Hale didn't share any characteristics with Stiles. My point, to reiterate, is that bizarre Sterek shippers see these similarities only in terms of their non-existent, non-canonical ship. They focus exclusively on Eli's choice of wardrobe, his insecurity, his love for Claudia's jeep, his troubled relationship with his father Derek, and twist it to mean "this means Sterek is real!" It doesn't.

Weirdly, it never occurs to them that Eli's character evokes the Teen Wolf aesthetic and that it serves to connect Eli emotionally to Derek, to the Sheriff, and most importantly, to Scott, who is the main character of the movie in the same way he is the main character of the show. Scott is feeling wistful and lost at the beginning of the movie but over the course of the story he re-establishes connections with Derek and his pack and especially with Allison, but he also forges new connections with Eli Hale. Derek and Eli have many powerful moments together, but Scott and Eli wander through the woods, play lacrosse together, fight enemies together. Eli reminds Scott of what's important, while Scott encourages Eli to grow. In the end, Scott and Eli take care of each other in a way very similar to how Scott and Stiles took care of each other.

And not only do Sterek shippers dismiss that, I am starting to believe that they are no longer capable of perceiving it. This cult-like veneration of a relationship that never was blinds them to what is actually happening on the screen. Of course, they hated the movie before it even came out -- to enjoy the story of Eli meeting Scott is to indulge in blasphemy. Of course you think that Jeff Davis could block Tyler Hoechlin, a producer of the movie and the star of his own show, from talking about how much a character reminds him of another character, or that Tyler Posey would even try.

Were they discouraged from doing it? Possibly. Because of people like you and these reviewers who would spend energy on a character who everyone knew wasn't going to be in the movie and wasn't necessary to appear in the movie. I'm sure it's super click-baity, but it isn't what the movie is about, and yet Sterek fanatics are still pursuing the thing that isn't there, that was never there, to the bizarre, weird and twisted exclusion of everything else.

[hellsvestibule]

People talk about how meme brain can poison people’s ability to interact with artists who post online but it’s also kind of endemic even to how people approach academic texts or classic literature at this point and it’s frustrating bc when the persons primary vantage point is already ironic detachment and dismissal, You look like the “pretentious” asshole for asking them to be more nuanced and considerate. Especially when we are talking something with cultural or subcultural significance to a group of people most of the people joking about it don’t belong to. And maybe on an individual level memes are harmless and genuinely funny, but when in greater numbers this constant dismissal starts to feel dreadful, to the point where you feel reflexive hostility towards the meme bc oh my God can we fucking talk about something else? Ever?

it’s not fun to be obsessed with something people meme on or even obsess over for a singular facet. Just bc it’s something vaguely understood in cultural consciousness people will joke about it as if they have equal authority on what its about as you, someone who has dedicated days or weeks of your time studying this in its entirety and like I can’t entirely blame you for wanting to be included and not necessarily understanding the full span of this thing or my knowledge of it but a lot of people are actively resistant to learning more, they are literally just here for the sense of intellectualism or trendiness being able to dismissively meme about an intellectual or cool thing brings them, which ultimately serves the purpose of trivializing something you really like or at least something you wanted to dedicate your time towards understanding in a deeper capacity, and which had cultural significance for its place and time for a reason. And it’s like. I don’t need you to be Like Me, I don’t think having a more involved perspective of everything is always necessary or productive for everyone, but gdi does it suck when people talk past you about something they’ve engaged with far less than you and even get irritated by you being genuinly knowledgeable and enthusiastic about it, letting you know they don’t care and in fact are actively hostile towards caring. They want to wave the flag that says “I read the most popular book in high school, I listened to the most popular song, I am vaguely aware this important thing exists ” and presume suddenly this gives them equal authority as someone who read all the books or has listened to the musicians entire discography.

And it’s equally frustrating knowing what it’s like to be on the other end and trying not to be that pretentious nerd who is always like, fuckin, loyalty testing randos and shitting on them for only reading one adaptation of the thing or only liking a musicians most popular songs. Bc sometimes you engage w the totality of something a genuinely pretentious nerd insists you have to engage with before you’re allowed to talk. only to be like yeah it’s really not worth it, I genuinely just like the most popular installment and wish you hadn’t wasted my time with all that lol.

A lot of it just amounts to getting annoyed at childish behavior often from young people who don’t know any better, and are insecure, and project this insecurity by alluding to having greater knowledge of something and then cutting it down.and it’s not even a clear cut line between genuine appreciation from a fan who just makes the joke from time to time, and someone whose entire perspective of this thing is A Joke

[badpostureart]

Message in a Bottle (pt. 1)

For anon, who asked my thoughts about secondary characters in Free!

Without Gou working her magic in the background, none of the conflict of season one could have been resolved. She became the Iwatobi swim club’s manager (primarily) because she wanted to reunite her brother with his old friends and hoped that in doing so, he’d start smiling and opening up again. Despite having no sports background and never having put a training regimen together before, Gou improvised with the resources she could find and did the proper fieldwork. All this is to say that she took her managerial responsibilities seriously for Iwatobi’s sake as well as for Rin. She’s earnest and hardworking (albeit a wee bit too ambitious where muscles are concerned) and made a great coach despite her inexperience. She’s a great sister to Rin who she never stopped reaching out to even when he neglects to answer. I do really wish we got to learn what Gou’s secret plans for the future were though! How’re you just going to tease a secret and then not tell me?!

Kisumi serves an interesting function in the series because he doesn’t swim and yet he’s in the loop about what virtually everyone else is up to. He’s a bit of a smartass, often trying to get a rise out of Asahi (by making fun of him) and Haru (by being in the vicinity), but he’s a good guy as well as a reliable source of information. As something of an outsider, Kisumi has also said things I was thinking while watching the show in real-time. For example, in Dive to the Future when Makoto is to race Hiyori for the “right” to be Ikuya’s friend, Kisumi says, “Is there really a point to this? Isn’t it kinda childish to bet things in contests like this? I don’t get it.” Indeed, although Kisumi is right that it’s really fucking juvenile to race for the “right” to be someone’s friend, swimming is like its own language to these guys, so Makoto will learn something important about Hiyori if they compete—and frankly, so will we, so I’m glad Kisumi asked!

I wasn’t terribly fond of Sousuke at first because of his hostility towards Haru and his bad attitude more generally. Instead of using the word “reminiscing” when thinking about his childhood in season two, he says he’s recalling “phantoms of the past.” Like, you wanna lighten up a little there? Sheesh! You could almost see the dark cloud hanging over his head! And while I can totally understand wanting to protect his friend, it still isn’t his place to tell Haru to stay out of Rin’s way or to say having Rin participate in Iwatobi’s disqualifying relay in season one was “idiotic.” Over time, however, we see Sousuke soften up in his interactions with others. He comes to appreciate the value of swimming together instead of soloing and he spends a good deal of time mentoring his juniors. It was lovely to see his recovery over the course of the series and how he came to accept that although his timeline may look different than others, there’s nothing wrong with doing things at his own pace.

My first notes about Ai were that he was “an insecure first-year,” and that I didn’t know for sure what stroke he swam. He reminded me of a remora with the way he followed Rin around. Of course, I couldn’t help but feel bad for the poor kid because his encouragement fell on deaf ears and most of his attempts to reach out were dismissed—what with Rin often refusing to dignify him with any answers to his questions. It was good to see Ai gain confidence in himself over time though! Leadership looks good on him. I also appreciate that despite his ability to plan itineraries down to the minute, his living space is in a constant state of disarray. (Though, I still can’t fathom what would compel a person to bring their umbilical cord with them to boarding school…or anywhere for that matter!) He’s a bit of a disaster, and maybe a bit too earnest for his own good, but he’s a nice kid through and through.

Momo is a joy. He may not be the smartest and may not have much of an attention span, but his enthusiasm is unmatched. The kid scores a 7 on a test and instead of thinking anything remotely negative or self-deprecating, he instead believes the number is a sign of good luck. What a joyful way to move about the world! He’s equally unapologetic about the things he likes (which include but are not limited to stag beetles, capibaras, Gou, hot springs, and Dangerous Ookuchin Hosoeson-kun, among other things), and remains a good sport in the face of defeat. I don’t think there’s a negative bone in his body. He’s “joie de vivre” incarnate!  

Much like his little brother, Seijuuro is boisterous and kind of dumb, but he has a heart of gold. Initially, he maintained a pretty cutthroat swimming culture at Samezuka, saying that “the past doesn’t matter. Performance is what counts here. The fastest swimmer wins. That’s all there is to it.” But by the time he enters university, he says instead that “there are many ways to get stronger! Past teammates and friendships can contribute to your strength in the present. There are lots of things that are important besides just practising.” For a meathead, he can be awfully wise, huh? He also doesn’t use a swim cap at all for some reason…but to be fair, most (if not all) of the other characters that do use one wear the damn thing incorrectly anyway. And I’m sure it’s to help us at home distinguish who’s who more easily, but that’s why you give them all different jammers and goggles tinted in different colours!

Isuzu is undoubtedly the coolest of her siblings, though I would have liked to see more of her to get to know her better! She compliments Haru on his triceps the first time they meet, which were what Gou had described as his charm point in high school—meaning that Isuzu and Gou are something of muscle-fanatic soulmates. The two of them proceed to induct Ayumu into the muscle cult and I’m frankly left sitting here waiting for my invite! Sure, I can’t confidently identify biceps from triceps or quadriceps from…hamstrings(?), but I promise I have the spirit!  

Nao is refreshingly no-nonsense and calls it as he sees it. Wise beyond his years, Nao’s advice is always astute and pertinent. He’s someone I’d look up to if I ever got to meet him. I just think he’s really cool! His adeptness at observation made him a hell of a coach even back in middle school and he’s only gotten better at it as he’s gotten older. And maybe I’m a wee bit biased because he’s said some of the things I’d like to say to other characters, but that’s neither here nor there.

Asahi is another goofball. He likes to show off and talk about how great he is, he’s highly reactive, and also an idiot. It’s quite easy to get under his skin and get him riled up if he feels like he’s being made fun of, hence his need to boast. His plight in Starting Days was one of the most baffling in the entire series: he “forgot” how to swim the front crawl. I’m not sure that’s something a person can forget to do, but that’s probably because it wasn’t that he actually forgot, he just lacked the courage to try out of a fear of looking silly/not being the best. Frankly, that’s something a lot of people can relate to, me included! His willingness to look inward (instead of continuing to blame Haru) is perhaps what I appreciate the most about Asahi. He took accountability and was able to grow as a character. It was also really sweet to see that as a young adult, he still says positive words of affirmation to himself in the mirror! While it may feel silly, it’s important to treat oneself with kindness regardless of if one feels they’re actually the best or not!

Mikhail, while a bit out of the loop concerning whatever’s cool with the youth these days, is a delight. He gives helpful advice (saying cute things like “having a lot of baggage is what makes life richer! [Even if] sometimes that baggage weighs you down too,”) and understands that sometimes what a person needs isn’t to be told what they did wrong and could instead benefit from some time to hurt. Meanwhile, Ryuuji tears into Rin and Ikuya’s performances at Sydney’s prelims to Haru—deliberately singling out the people he knows are important to him even though they swim different strokes—dismisses hard work that doesn’t yield the desired results, and then he sends Haru to bed saying, “all that matters is how you do in free tomorrow.” I’m not even supposed to be talking about Ryuuji yet and here I am getting pissed off at him in advance! Mikhail, in contrast, is kind in that he gives Rin the space to figure things out for himself while offering his support in the meantime. I also find it incredibly amusing to imagine Ai and Mikhail corresponding back and forth about how well-built Rin is—they couldn’t not have, right?

[softxsuki]

i’d like a male jjk n/or aot matchup please🥹 thank you so much i’m SOOO excited

personality type: sag sun, leo rising, scorpio moon, isfp-t, introverted prefer hanging with people one on one, funny, caring. sentimental, romantic, i make art, jewelry, n clothes n sell them n am learning to tattoo, my love languages are gift giving n words of affirmation, i like driving around, reading, playing the drums, makeup, shopping; flowers, listening to music, journaling, cute plushies n stickers, i hate anxiety, bugs, bigotry, loud people, comedy movies, etc

in relationships i like reassurance without having to beg for it, being spoiled n doted upon, random gifts, giving love letters (i’ve never gotten one but i’d really love one!!), stealing hoodies, encouragement, consistency; someone trying to grow n better themselves, someone really understanding, matching anything, seeing each other often, petnames!!!, communication, i dislike the obvious things such as disloyalty, etc; i hate non chalant behavior, not keeping to their word, feeling like a bother, them not carrying their weight, someone too logical it’s dismissive, someone who isn’t romantic, someone following lots of girls on insta, etc (i’m insecure n have lots of trauma n triggers)

question heehee: how would they react to me being super drained n low energy? or what would they be attracted to in me? (whichever you like better)

1000 Follower Event Matchup #35

This event is CLOSED. The masterlist is here.

Note: Hope you enjoy :) sorry for the wait.

I match you with: ITADORI, JEAN

Runner-up: Yuuta, Armin

Itadori:

No because after the recent episode, I’m convinced he’s absolutely perfect

He’s so kind and respectful to everyone!!!! AHHHHH

Although he is an extrovert, I think sometimes introverts and extroverts can make a great match and they bring out qualities in each other that they wouldn’t have known about otherwise

He thinks it’s so cute that you make jewelry and clothes and is always telling everyone about your little business whenever he has the opportunity to

You’re learning to tattoo? He offers to be your test subject so you can do one on him one day for practice (he even tries dragging, Nobara, Megumi, and Gojo with him too lol)

Itadori is always spoiling you with physical gifts and words of affection/compliments; it just naturally comes out of him at this point since he cares for you so much

How does he react to you being super drained?

He worries for you, and tries to encourage you to take a break

Whenever you’re ready to talk about whatever has you this way, he’d be waiting to hear you out

In the meantime though, he just holds you close and cuddles with you, whispering sweet words in your ears in hopes that it helps in the meantime

Jean:

This was tricky, but I decided on Jean

Even though in the beginning he was someone who didn’t put his all into his work and was a bit of a coward, I feel like he grew a lot as a character and became someone that deserves respect and love

He’s loyal to his friends and even gave Eren the benefit of the doubt at times despite how much they didn’t get along, he was able to think rationally even when he lost one of his closest friends 

Jean would be very loving and caring to you as his lover, you’d become the only one he has eyes for and he’d do anything to make you happy

I imagine he’d be very romantic, picking flowers for you and surprising you with them on his way back from training, kissing the top of your hand as a greeting, romantic escapes at night to watch the stars or have a quiet, peaceful picnic together

It would be really cute

What about you is attractive to him?

Probably your ability to move forward and even give him a chance despite whatever you went through in the past

He admires your strength to keep pushing forward and strives to be the same so he can become a man you can truly rely on

Aside from that, he’s so in love with you that any little thing you do is attractive to him, even the things you hate about yourself

EVENT REQUESTS ARE CLOSED

REGULAR REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Posted: 9/6/2023

[kimium]

Hello again! About the OTP with komahina... 1, 2, 3,5,7,17 and 21!

(From this ask HERE)

Hello! It's so lovely to see you in my inbox again! It's been a while! Thanks for asking me about Komahina! Let's get started!

If you had to change the pairing's very first meeting, how would you change it?

I'd easily have Nagito and Hajime meet while attending Hopes Peak Academy. I've always wanted to see how Nagito, still believing people with talents are the best hope for the future would react to Hajime the reserve course student.

Of course, we had a taste of that interaction in Chapter 4 after Nagito cleared the Final Death Room, but that moment wasn't Hajime's first impression of Nagito. Up until that point Hajime had befriended Nagito, betrayed by his actions in Chapter 1, and was now wary. If they met at Hopes Peak their meeting would immediately be hostile and I think that's a fun dynamic to play with.

2. What song fits your pairing the most?

I honestly am not sure. I am not the kind of person to assign songs to characters, ships, or series. If I do it's a very rare occurrence. Still, in the spirit of this ask I scrolled through my songs and I suppose "E for Extinction" by Thousand Foot Krutch could fit?

3. What is your favourite AU/prompt idea/trope for your pairing?

Not sure if it's cheating but my favourite AU is my Soulmate AU where Soulmates cannot kill or harm one another. I had a lot of fun writing that fic.

My favourite prompt idea is any time I can write one or both of them as supernatural beings. There are a lot of fun dynamics to explore.

For a more canon idea, I'm always weak to a good "What if they saved Nagito in Ch. 5" prompt.

My favourite trope for Komahina is Idiots in Love. They both deserve to be a little silly and disgustingly domestic with one another.

5. Favourite canon moment of them?

My favourite moment is in Chapter 5 when Nagito tells everyone he'll stop his plans if the traitor comes forth. If you go talk to him in the restaurant afterwards he'll dismiss Hajime being the traitor on grounds that "It can't be a reserve course student". I think that's so funny of Nagito to tell Hajime, "Yeah, there is no way some idiot reserve course student such as yourself could be the traitor. Go away."

7. Favourite headcanon trope/idea (Your own or someone else's)?

My favourite headcanon trope/idea is Nagito gets cold easily which is why he runs around the island wearing a full jacket the entire time. This also lends into my other favourite idea: Nagito likes wearing Hajime's clothing and swipes articles of clothing all the time.

17. Are they relatable as characters or as a pairing?

I think both Hajime and Nagito are relatable in many aspects. Hajime is relatable because of his insecurities in his abilities. Everyone feels they lack or cannot do something as well as others. I think it's human nature to compare ourselves to others and feel insecure.

Nagito is relatable in his awkwardness with interacting with others. I cannot tell you how many times I've botched making a new friend because I said something slightly too awkward or rambled on a bit too much.

Also, the feeling that since others are so much better or talented all you can do is sit on the sidelines is so relatable to me.

21. Favourite genre for them? (Angst, fluff, etc.)

I'm a huge fan of either one having a problem that accidentally draws the other one into the problem, thus making the problem they have to solve together. The comedic potential is priceless.

[thehealingplum]

Both of my parents taught me a disgusting ability of dismissing conflict and pretending that everything is normal. There was never any conflict resolution. There would be some sort of disagreement. It could be something about morals or responsibilities or just basic knowledge. Issues that made them feel insecure about themselves. I could never win these because "think about who gave you life" and "I've been in this world longer than you."

People pleasing. When we argued, and nobody would budge, I was desperate to return to normalcy, because I knew they were gearing up to tear me down for every little thing. I didn't want to break. I truly believed myself at times, but I didn't want to just accept their truth. And so I would redirect things. Bring up all the positive things. Make them feel good about my existence. I wanted to make sure they didn't feel like I was a burden. I wanted to make sure to remind them of their purpose. The purpose they told me they had for all these years.

It's unfortunate that i put this into practice at my jobs and in personal relationships. I could never hold a job very long and honestly questioned my friendships to the point of rejecting the word "friend." I wasn't making friends, I think. I was desperately trying to make people obsessed with me. Infatuated with me. I wanted their love forever. I wanted a constant love that wasn't so riddled with harsh judgment. I wouldn't say I was seeking "unconditional love" because I did still have to behave a certain way. It was just slightly easier conditional love.

[250813soulmates]

My Life Review

Est: 2002-2011 Getting punished by my parents & beaten for every "wrongdoing" in my life & underperformance in school. Shit ton of unrequited love because I had no balls to interact with anyone. Extremely quiet/emo because I was too embarrassed to be myself; I'm weird. At some point, probably lower primary school I was molested by my cousin for a couple of months. No sexual knowledge and had no idea what was going on. Eventually, consciousness hit and I initiated a halt to everything. Games and anime were my only saving grace from those suffocating times.

2013: First exclusive date with a classmate (1.5yrs). Life was truly amazing.

2014: Got bullied in poly for a year because I was a slow learner and a dumb fuck at programming, but I eventually became relatively good at it & came in first for a prestigious competition that was even featured in the school's magazine.

2015: I lost my first love and fell into depression. Got dumped and I reacted extremely badly. Filled with anxiousness & hatred; spammed and judged and was so rude and emotional to her because of what she did to me. I was an extremely insecure & emotional person with no sense of logic.

2016: Took my emotions for a ride and competed in a physique competition. Lost with pride because I brought my best package amongst a group of druggies.

2015-2017: Living hell, depression, suicidal, self-harm. Think of the worst and i've either tried or at least thought about it. Wanted to be a "fuck boy" and started smoking, drinking, and clubbing and learning how to "have game" which i quickly quit (except smoking) because i wasn't being true to who i am.

Early 2017: Second date from tinder (6months). Dating app was never a good idea. Generally filled with either depressed or fucked up people. Congrats we're a match! But hey I've "learned my lessons" and in this relationship, as fucked up as she is, somehow i wasn't insecure at all. Life was great while it lasted.

Late 2017: Of course, it ended badly with third/fourth parties. Went through some details in my 2018 posts below. Fell into depression again. Didn't manage to solve my emotions. When shit went down, i blamed her and hated her like how i did in 2015. Life was miserable as i was in the military. 5 weekday of depression in camp and 2 weekend of unloading all my pain at home for almost a year.

Early 2018 (?): Can't remember which year exactly but at some point the "bad boy" version of me tried to go on more dates and at one point, hooked up with someone. I hated it. I thought being nice wasn't enough so I wanted to be different. I hated who I became and went back to my true self.

Mid 2018: Third love, still in the military. No surprise its from tinder again. Generally filled with either depressed or fucked up people once again. Trying to be co-dependent without first achieving self-love and self-worth. But of course, i can only say and realize this now - because it finally ended, after 5 years. But don't get me wrong, while it lasted, it was amazing going through all thick and thin together. I had complete control over my emotions and still held on to my ability to trust and be 100% secure in the relationship. Learned my lesson from the first two and this time I made plans and asked her to be my girlfriend. Unfortunately for her case, insecurity was a major trait alongside ADHD. This would lead to our eventual downfall.

Well, she was a player who hooked up with different people on a daily/weekly basis. An extremely carefree person who simply wants all the instant gratification she could get. I was potentially "just another guy" to her. This however does no dismiss the fact that she too has been through abuse and shit before.

Early 2019: Caught her nudes on her phone in some hidden telegram folder. I was overseas for 2 weeks for a military operation and during that time she used locanto to sell nudes to make quick cash (which i didn't know what was those photos for at that time). My initial feeling was shock and fear, but just as quickly i recomposed myself, approached her, and forgave her without a second thought or even questioning her. With tears & guilt in her eyes, I hugged her and told her everything would be ok. She thought that i would break up with her, but instead, i gave her a second chance and trust that through this, she would learn her lesson about how it is not worth the risk of losing someone like me. We moved on from here and was happy again.

July 2019: The one and only time but we didn't know better. I had no knowledge about the menstrual cycle and she told me it was safe during her most fertile period. 2 weeks later we were deciding between keeping or aborting. This was probably the toughest time i had to go through in my life. A potential life was at stake, but luckily the heart had yet to form. We negotiated and we weighed the pros and cons. Her motherly instincts were definitely there but we ended up choosing the latter option. I took responsibility and was there for her through every step of it and every procedure i could attend. With a few thousand in my bank, i depleted almost all of it because that was the least I could do as she bears the weight of going through this physical and mental turmoil. The stress we had to go through was insane.

What made it worse was that during this time i had to go for nasal and tonsil surgery. Things were going fine until I was discharged and had complications (5% chance of throat hemorrhage). Ended up being sent to ER thrice in 2 weeks. Each time blood would flow out constantly and choke me up. I had to ice my neck and constantly spit the blood out until the ambulance came. The third time it became so bad I spat out almost 500ml of blood and clots into the blood bag provided by the paramedics on the way to the hospital. This time tho, i was hospitalized for almost a week. Literally had diarrhoea 24/7 from the antibiotics to the point where even the nurses were annoyed. Was on IV drip diet, and I lost ALL my gains. The guilt i had to go through when i was supposed to be there for her, but now she had to constantly be here for me in the hospital is indescribable.

Sept 2019: Started my career as a personal trainer right after ORD. New environment, new structure, and with no idea of what to expect. Stayed with the company until the first circuit breaker of covid which resulted in them closing down. However, it ain't all sunshine and rainbows. I was mentored by a dictator who disciplined and scolded me worse than my parents. Treated like a dog holding my clipboard, paper, and pen, walking to lunch with him while asking questions and taking notes. Everything that had been asked or answered before, i wasn't allowed to ask again before i got a scolding for being dumb. Scolded for my lack of spatial awareness, lack of critical thinking, and being judged for every action i took on the gym floor. Vacuum, mopped, cleared the thrash, and cleaned the toilet, because i was new. Shouted at me and slammed weights on the gym floor once while everyone was around and training clients. Insane personal growth, tough love. Later do I know half the shit he taught was either false or an overcomplication of what was necessary; however the other half was gold.

Late 2019 - May 2022: Life was great with her. Had some ups and downs, but we were grateful for each other and tried to iron out our differences as much as we could.

Sept 2020 - May 2021: Life was great. Worked at a new gym, was respected, promoted and i worked my ass off to develop my skill as a trainer. I would even dare to say i was the best in-house trainer at that place. Had a few drama going on in the company and it did got very toxic. But i was able to steer clear of most of it. However, the gym eventually closed down due to circuit breaker 2. In which i had to find a new place again.

Some time around here i broke down once and probably changed my dad forever. Though he no longer beat me like before, the anger issues and attitude was still as bad. I could vividly remember what really happened. But he got mad and I had fucking enough of this shit. I shouted back at how harsh and shitty he's been, i sat down with my back against the wall and started smashing the back of my head against it countless times it until he ran over to stop me and calm the fuck down. Since then, he's been aware and really, much better.

July 2021: Joined a new gym opened by a friend of mine. Grateful for the opportunity with an arguably higher pay compared to before but damn well a better and premium work environment to further improve my skills as a trainer. Met amazing colleagues there too and got to know all sorts of clients ranging from MNC/SME/Start-up business owners, directors, doctors, lawyers, taitais, rich stay-at-home-moms, rich spoiled brats, traders, corporate workers, pilots to even the low-income ceiling ones trying their best to improve their life by using our service. Steep learning curve at the start, but no biggie.

Dec 2021 - May 2022: A good friend hooked me up with a shady investment. Gave great return and honestly till this day (Nov2023) it is still paying out at about 7% per month. But greed took over, and he introduced me to another one which was 15-20% per month. Naive and uneducated as i was, i Invested half my life savings into both platforms at that point. The latter one got shut down eventually and became an international case and MAS was also heavily involved with it. In order to recuperate my loss, i ventured into cryptocurrency and got myself into even more shady investment schemes, and at one point, i even recruited a whole family tree of people online (10 over investors) to be under my name and got their commissions. I was highballing and reinvesting the gains, rarely ever withdrawing. 3/4 way through my recuperation, I got scammed by a fake admin and lost 80%. With 20% left, the way back up was long, stressful and tedious. Soon after, the platform rug pulled but luckily i was able to withdraw whatever i had left into my crypto wallet. Once again i ventured into many other platforms until one day I got destroyed by a bitcoin pyramid scheme and lost everything again. Withdrew back everything from my first platform due to fear into my fiat bank (DBS).

All or nothing. Sometime after, i got to know someone online, and as stupid as it sounds, i trusted "her" and to cut it short, invested my entire bank account into it. Bit by bit, more and more. I lost close to 6-digits. Platform admin needed me to "pay tax for withdrawal" and "someone reported my account so i needed to top up the balance to prove that i wasn't laundering money" At that point, a few thousand meant nothing and i was too blinded to pull back. Borrowed 2k from my love and 3k from a friend i once lend some money to as a return of favour. Topping my with the last 5k in my bank, needless to say, i lost it all once again. But she was still there for me, being my greatest supporter. Which i will forever be grateful for.

To be clear, this stranger/scammer that i built a friendship with, I made it clear to "her" that i have a girlfriend and that nothing will go on between us. I was in it for the money. Maybe "she" if its even a "she" had other intentions, it was not for me to care about.

And why did i even attempt to try all these? Because she didn't have a plan or a job. I felt the need to be the breadwinner and make her a taitai. I thought only the brave could take the risk and reap the rewards. I wanted to get rich quick and make our life better. I risked it all and lost it all.

May 2022 - Oct 2023: Bankrupted, but i wasn't depressed. I was calmed and composed. I accepted reality as it is and immediately took action to draft out a plan on what i should do moving forward. Stay away from ALL investments and work honestly on my day job until the day i recuperate everything back. Be extremely thrifty and only spend on necessities. I became so hyper focused on money that our relationship took the hit. Well, she tried to be understanding and never once complained. I thought everything was fine and this was simply a phase of downturn. September 2023, I officially recovered all my losses. I felt a great sense of relief and freedom. With a clear mind, I finally start putting in more effort into the relationship and also started to plan on marriage and housing. "I made her wait long enough" I told myself. "Next year i'll have to propose" I told myself. 17th October 2023, we celebrated our 5th anniversary. Everything seemed fine.

25th October 2023: I received a text for a break from the relationship. My heart sank. I knew what was coming. I knew she went out herself to calm her mind and will be back anytime soon. 10:15pm, i stood on the void deck, outside her lift without letting her know until she finally return at 11:20pm. She couldn't look at me in the eye and asked me to go home. I didn't want to be possessive and toxic so I allowed her to head back without stopping verbally/physically. She left me in front of my eyes. Should I have pulled her back? Would anything I say at that point help to change her mind? I will never know the answer. But I know that the reason why i did not act was due to my past 2 relationships. Both ended with me trying so hard to get them back and being all emotional. I didn't want history to repeat itself.

I sat down somewhere trying to process what had just happened. I couldn't. My mind went blank. I texted and ask if I could talk to her, to see her, to stay the night. "Go home" she texted me. "Don't push my buttons". "Go home, don't make me repeat myself". "Take bus home".

My mind was blank. My vision was blurred. Hyperventilating. I knew the bus stop was just a street away yet no matter how i walked, i couldn't find it. Took a few steps in every direction and each time i stop, i didn't know where i was.

25th-29th October: A couple of back and forth texting with me explaining how we could still make it work. How it's not worth ending our 5 years of memories. How we all deserve another chance. How the lessons we learned could have been applied to us again, instead of starting from ground zero with someone new. No hatred, no emotional and reckless talking like I did before. But maybe my sin was too great for her to handle.

"the stranger who scammed you, why was her photo in your deleted album and you answered with your story, i lost trust in you" Why should I keep a selfie of a stranger in my photo album and why are you checking my phone this deeply when you know clearly how much i respect my personal space? You didn't even trust in me since day 1. Yet I was the complete opposite trusting you a 100% even after what you did.

"you changed your phone password and that made things worse. If I could turn back in time, I would have told you how upset I am every single time life comes and hit us w something and we have to delay our plans for the future. How scared I am once my career stabilises, and yours get rocky again. And we have to restart the whole process. I wish I could have told you how much I don't trust you, how much I miss the old us, how much I missed being happy, instead of just being contented"

"I've given you chances and chances again. I always asked you out, but I know you're too tired. So I stopped asking you out and spend time w u at home instead. I know you're too tired, I know what I want; but I don't even dare to ask you out."

"I hate that I love you so much, but I doubt we have a future together. I don't know if I can trust you that you'll start putting effort into this rs. Ever since your incident last year, I've been patient."

"I've been hurt so many times, yet I just kept quiet. When you went out with Marcus (my best friend of 10years which we meet only once or twice a year) I realised how lonely I am without you. I don't want to depend on you for happiness anymore. I need to find it within myself. To fill the void you weren't able to."

"I hate that I know you've been working hard for us. I hate that I don't know if I can see a future w you bc I just have so much doubts. I hate that this has caused me so much pain too"

The old us had no troubles. The old us had all the time in the world to date and be stress free. The me after bankruptcy was fighting for our future. She talk about doubting our future when I was there fighting for it in the present.

I said "If you see yourself 50 years with me then you'll realise you won't have 50 years of the same thing & perhaps this is just 1/50 phase of the relationship" in which she replied "When you're saying all these, do you ever pause and admire the moment? Live in the present?"

So was it our possible future or the present that she was unhappy with? My present had a fuck ton of stress. Crazy workload while dealing with the financial loss and the delay of our future. Was it my fault that i wasn't strong enough to stay active and happy and "live in the moment"? Or was her insecurity and the need for instant gratification the root of our downfall? I asked myself this and I realised that it doesn't matter. There's no need for closure.

She'll be happier without me now and i'm proud that she knows what she want. She's finally heading towards a good career and she's learning to love herself, which is ever so important. Nobody is perfect and each of us are always in the journey of healing. With this, she gave me a new dumped-experience to heal myself from too.

29th October 2023: "I can't ever go back to "us" anymore. I hope you can respect that and let's move onto the next phase of life." She said. This was it. I was sad, but i wasn't depressed. I gave her a few final text to ensure she's certain. I listed out the good and the bad of us. I apologized for my shortcomings and mentioned how grateful am I to have her in my life. I thank her for giving us this opportunity to heal and grow ourselves. Life goes on.

On the same day, i broke down in front of my mother as i spilled the beans and revealed the details. This brought me and my family together, closer than ever before. For the first time, i became vulnerable in front of her.

30th October 2023 - 26th November 2023 (present) : No contact has started and I began my personal healing journey. I left no regrets and accepted life as it is. I've been through too much in life to dread over spilled milk. Everything happens for a reason and with every obstacle, i grew stronger. This is my opportunity for linear growth and I have to take advantage of it. I know i needed to love myself and i know i need to be happy enough as an individual before i jump into another relationship like a dumb dumb again. I know my self worth and i know how loyal, genuine, patient, kind, honest, forgiving, respectful, grateful for every little thing, driven, weird, eccentric, funny and playful i am.

I am not a cheater, i hate letting people down. I strive to work hard but also to live a balance life. I know what i want and i know that whoever that steps into my life next needs to also be a happy enough individual with similar enough mindset as i have. Being into fitness is definitely a huge bonus too since fitness is literally my life. I know that this time it'll be someone i meet in real life and not from dating apps. I know the law of attraction and i know that as long as i continue working on myself, the right one will come one day even without me chasing for it.

Chasing brings the excitement of challenges that'll die along with it once you obtain it. Chasing is a sign of lack of self respect. It needs to come from mutual investment, or move on.

Meanwhile, i'll continue to upgrade my fitness knowledge, explore more into cooking and singing. Take care of myself by dressing better, getting a few more trims and get some skin care routine going on. Spend more time with friends and family which i've neglected my whole life. I'll live my best life knowing that storms will still come ever once in a while. I'll identify and accept those negative feelings. I'll go into a space of observational awareness while waiting for the storm to pass, then jump right back into the path of never ending healing of life again.

In only 26 years i'm glad to have been through most of life's grieves and have the emotional maturity to take on whatever that's yet to come. My only uncertainty to how i'll react is the loss of health which may interrupt/inhibit my training/nutrition routine or the loss of health/life of my parents (no details but my dad's memory has been getting worse rapidly over the past 2 years). But when the time comes, which it will. I have full faith in my future self that i'll be able to handle it.

This is all for now. It's time to be positive. Looking through all my older posts since 2015, I'm fucking proud of where i'm at now & i'm sure my future self will be fucking proud of me taking this step today too.

Hello J from god knows if tumblr will still be around. 5 years? 10 years? Look at me and be glad i've yet to throw my life away and give up. Because of my decision today, you get to be who you are now. BLEH.

[mangodestroyer]

Just watched a video about deprogramming after a toxic relationship. One of the points brought up is how your identity can become so repressed and you need to work on finding yourself again.

And this hits close to home because I've dealt with horrid emotional abuse, from various people, pretty much my whole life. Thankfully, I've cut some of these people out of my life and went low contact with others, and have been learning of ways to deal with it. But damn, you really do feel like you don't know yourself when you've put up with enough of it!

You're just so used to being shamed for who you are and spend so much of your life learning to be more "acceptable" and less "offensive" to others, for years, until one day, you realize your efforts will NEVER be enough. And it can be hard to realize that if you grew up being treated this way. And when you do grow up like this and realize this horrible reality about your relatives, you're still NOT immune to falling for it again with whoever you meet as an adult. Because idk about anyone else who's gone through something like this, but I still had lots of insecurities and unhealthy thinking patterns when I entered the adult world, and ended up attracting predators like a magnet.

And about a year ago, I remember being such a mess after breaking up with my toxic ex. Hating myself so much, thinking I was nothing but trouble and the world would be better off without me, having almost no ability to enjoy things, etc. I just remember sitting there and wondering where I went so wrong, why I keep attracting people into my life who hurt me, and wondering who I really was as a person. It was the first time in my life I realized that I didn't actually know myself all that well. All I knew was that this anxious, dysfunctional individual isn't the real me.

And then over the past year, I went from feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, to suddenly just... not giving a fuck if others aren't pleased with me.

I'm still not so sure if I've really "found" myself, but I have noticed in the past couple months that I'm starting to get into things that have been lifelong dreams since childhood (but I'd either forgotten I wanted to do these things or dismissed them). And I'm starting to get back into old interests that started getting repressed with the unhealthy relationships I'd formed in adulthood. And it's starting to feel easier to just do these things. I suddenly just really want to get busy doing them. I've even started pursuing the polyglot dream I've always had since I was a very young child. I'll be taking courses in German very soon, as a start. I've been cooking Asian food because I love trying foods from other cultures. And I've also started planning out ways I can visit other countries.

I kind of forgot that I'm naturally a more adventurous individual. But... you would have never guessed if you'd seen me a year ago. Or three years ago. I'd become a bit of a shut in and didn't have much of a desire to actually try things. Not even fun things if others offered to pay. I just couldn't find it in me to enjoy myself. Nothing sounded appealing to me if it wasn't laying in bed and... existing. Even that was just not that appealing to me. Sometimes I'd get engaged with something, but there was always something missing. I either couldn't enjoy whatever I was doing fully or I wouldn't keep interest for very long.

I think the thing that kills me the most to think about was how when I last visited my friend, I didn't even enjoy doing so all that much. Even though I really care about her and always had fun visiting. And... it wasn't like there was anything bad happening during the visit. I just wanted to hide from everyone most of the time. I had almost no energy to do stuff. And visiting made me lose energy and interest for the things I'd been doing before because, for some reason, it was just so overwhelming.

This was three years ago, right after dealing with my first job and my first attempt at college. Looking back, I think it was trauma making me act like that. My roommate was a pos and I recently came to the realization that she may have been grooming me, on top of being horribly emotionally abusive. Thankfully I didn't end up letting her in too much, but I almost did end up letting her become more involved in my life. And I'm worried that would have led to much worse consequences. It's not just me either. People told me they were creeped out by her and the people she associates with. They TOLD me to stay away from them. I didn't take it that seriously for the longest time. Now I realize I may have avoided s*xual abuse. But I think the grooming attempt and emotional abuse still fucked with me, in ways I hadn't even realized at the time. It was the first time in my life I suddenly felt uncomfortable with my own sexuality. I think I may have felt violated but didn't realize that either. And again, I was left a mess after the whole thing. Lots of anxiety and mental fog.

Trauma sucks. It's a bitch to work through all this. But I'm happy to see that there finally seems to be some noticeable, lasting progress. I'd actually say I improved a lot over the past year. Still have some work to do though.