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im-thinking-arson · 3 years

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Hi wow depression is a hell of a thing.

I'm sorry for the relative silence here, considering everything that has been going on in the last (roughly) year and a half it has been really hard to focus on any creative outlets. Everything has felt pretty heavy as I have been piecing together what exactly happened to myself and the people I used to share a community with.

Although my former FC is basically non-existent at this point, I feel it is appropriate to say that I no longer associate with its' leader @morganaux (sernoudenet on Twitter and formerly here) and to clarify why.

I have been struggling with what to even say about the situation. There are so many layers that I don't honestly know if any single cross-section could explain all there is to unpack. When it takes multiple people six months to explore everything they know as fact... I think that shows its not so much of a 'he said, they said' scenario as the few people who still support Morgy have tried to claim.

I feel guilty not speaking up sooner, considering this person is a member of the FFXIV community who I'm fairly sure some of my mutuals follow. Its so hard to speak out when he publicly acts innocent, like he has quietly moved on and refuses to acknowledge what he's done.

The reality feels so cold in contrast, with the knowledge I have- that he has done this multiple times before, burning down or wearing down those he has hurt with false sincerity; claiming innocence, claiming people misunderstand the significance of the intentions behind the knives in their backs, claiming he is the truest victim of the mess wrought of his own actions.

He quietly retweets fan art, cute animals, head canons, and all kinds of fandom things- but also others' tweets to identify with their own traumas- the same traumatic thoughts and feelings he incites in others through a mixture of gaslighting, lashing out, and playing the victim. He tweets passive aggressively about people he feels the victim of, (justified or not) even amid posts about his dearly beloved OC.

At this point I should just block him and try to scrape all memory of what I went through from my mind, but un-fucking-fortunately I know him too well to believe it's over when it's over. He still makes passive aggressive tweets about people he hasn't talked to in one, two, ?? years, a person who was a good friend to him for 10 years before he scapegoated them to maintain his own sense of righteousness.

Seeing as I witnessed him maintain not one, not two, not three- FOUR venting channels in his own discord, including at one point one specifically made for sh*tting on a single person, defending it's use and encouraging others to participate saying 'this is how victims cope'...

I know it's not over, and if he had a single shred of...anything... He could leverage against me he would have already tried to 'cancel' me. I'm not turning my back again to see if he decides to throw another knife.

For a long time I wanted to believe I had simply misunderstood the situation, that his intentions weren't so self-serving. The more I saw, the more I heard testimony from others that matched my own, the more I began to un-repress and process my own memories and connect the dots... And the less sense his own account made.

While I tried to maintain my friendship with him I ignored all the red flags, my own rise in anxiety, the isolation I felt. I felt so much pressure to fit into his equation, to be a supportive friend, to keep track of how he was feeling that I stopped taking care of my own mental health.

All the while he got angry for people not checking on him when he asked for space, threw a fit when anyone failed to accommodate his whims, and even accused his three closest friends of purposefully excluding him by taking screenshots without him in them or even hanging out together when he was offline..

And he would have people believe that most of the issues he was involved in centered on his friends not communicating with him. But in my case at least, nothing could be further from the truth.

I told him I felt uncomfortable with the fact his (at the time) friend had publicly lashed out at me in his discord server for stating my opinion. He suggested I work harder to befriend this person, that he couldn't and wouldn't approach his friend about it because he wasn't a FC member and only there as a friend of himself and his two closest friends.

He lashed out at a former friend (and FC mate) of mine -on my behalf- because they wouldn't stop messaging me while I was at work... And when this person subsequently put me on blast thinking I had put him up to it I mentioned considering posting my side of the story- to initially be shamed (by the person mentioned above) for suggesting I protect myself, stating it could make things worse for the people who had already publicly attacked this person...

I approached him about another former friend of his angrily ranting about a character I had though at the time they knew I was planning to RP (I had spoken about it both in-game and in a discord we all shared) because I didn't know them well enough to feel comfortable saying that made me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in the space. I approached my former friend because I knew from experience he took things like this seriously and he was the one who had invited this character TO role play in the first place.

He reacted by telling this person he had no idea why I was upset, asked them to address an issue they had no context for - prompting them to write an apology, and then reinforced their worry that I hated them by saying I "probably disliked them since [I] hadn't written them an apology" in return. I had thought they both wanted to drop the subject because he stopped responding about the situation.

He decided the situation was resolved and kept inviting us around one another for at least four months while keeping up the illusion that I disliked this person despite me trying to remain friendly- and said nothing about the situation until AFTER he had nuked his FC and almost everyone was done with his bullshit. I had asked him to be honest about the situation and finally got "[name] thinks you dislike him" ???

(I might add more details about these situations because it's honestly much more of a mess than it might seem, but I'd probably have to write a fucking book to explain everything well in-sequence of events.)

But those examples aside, I told him up front that the favoritism he showed and my concerns being glossed over was messing with my head, that I didn't know if I felt safe in his FC, that the whole situation was making me feel like I was losing my grip on reality, that at one point feeling like I was being discouraged from defending myself was beginning to make me feel su*cidal. These are things he knew.

He reacted to this ignoring both cause and effect, ignoring me unless I reached out first or it concerned RP, continually inviting me to hang out with people he knew I felt uncomfortable with (or vice versa) and normally turning down anything I invited him to do otherwise- including several times that I offered to help him with Eden or dungeons he wanted to farm when he previously said he was free to do so. A couple of times he declined saying he was waiting to see if he could convince another friend... and then threw a fit about 'no one wanting to help him' despite declining my offer and not reaching out to me after his other friend declined (I was still online but he decided to vent on discord instead).

Behind my back he talked shit about me, enough that someone who had known him 10 years and was familiar with his behavioral patterns qualified it 'constant' bashing, whenever I came up in conversation. And even included confronting me about the three situations I mentioned above in a plan he was working on to 'fix' his FC, as if he thought I was reaching out to him to stir up drama.

Eventually it came out that the friend I mentioned in the first example was emotionally abusing his friends (and I found out later told him two of them were talking shit about him- prompting HIM to lash out at them). One of them mentioned that person had still been talking shit about me 6 months later on a private account and when I got upset that THREE people I had thought were my friends didn't tell me, I made a few jokes in poor taste (that I do now regret) about the situation to try and prevent myself from having a mental break down.

The person he led to believe I hated left the discord server at that point and he decided to divert some of the blame for (in his words) 'being worried for this person's life' -whom he had attacked over the situation- to me... blaming them leaving and him having trouble contacting them on me.

I told him if this former friend was indeed attacking people and he was so worried we needed to talk about the situation, since in other situations his response was to ignore the hurt caused. He blew up about me messaging him at work, he blamed me for every situation I had brought to his attention. He went to his mods to rant about me and sent one of them to scope out the situation in hopes they could shut me up.

This is the friend of 10 years, who quickly became concerned and not for the reasons he had hoped. They shared a few screenshots of things said to gaslight me behind my back as the conversation progressed. Eventually the other mod jumped in and, knowingly or not proceeded to gaslight me FOR him, based on what they were told. By him.

They reinforced everything he was saying in guise of a neutral perspective and my efforts to prevent a full-scale breakdown failed. I lost all grip on reality for several days- in which at some point I wrote an apology to him for accusing him of several things that were later proven true- and one thing he, himself, proved he'd lied about to the other person involved.

I spent almost two weeks in a self-imposed social break to sort everything out and attempt to cope with what I was told was reality. I fell into the deepest depression I've been in since I had to run away from home, and honestly if it wasn't for my wonderful SO and our house mates, I might have really hurt myself.

It turns out another situation had been brewing parallel to my own. People had been coming to the social mod, the friend of 10 years, with their own worries about him. Almost every. Single. Member. Including at least four people who came forward with fears that if they did a single thing that he interpreted as an insult or threat they would find themselves exiled, called out, and ranted about in a jumbled mix of truth and fictional-malice until their own friends turned on them to support his victim complex.

These four people came forward on the condition that their names be kept anonymous to protect their identity. He didn't take kindly to this, quickly demanding names so they (his mod team) could handle the situation. The mod refused, knowing he has a history of lashing out at any criticism against him and to protect those who were already afraid of bringing the problems up to Morgy.

He reacted by lashing out at this person, claiming they ruined his life, and attempting to weed out those who had spoken out against him by kicking anyone he didn't feel 'safe' being around from his FC. He posted a message in his FC discord about resuming his 'reign of terror'... Which, even if it was a joke, was in in poor taste after pruning his FC of anyone he didn't think could be convinced of his 'good intentions.'

I missed this first culling of his FC members, I assume, because I had apologized and at the time submitted to his version of events. He approached me soon after I noticed the changes in the discord and FC roster; claiming he really wanted to work things out and remain friends- going as far as to say he was so nervous about my reaction that he was shaking.

I wanted to take him at face value despite everything that happened because yeah, I did want to believe he was sincere, that he was a good friend, and that all of it had been an unfortunate misunderstanding. And at first I did until I started talking to other people who knew him and getting their side of the story. Nothing he said added up. Between first-hand testimony and over a hundred screenshots from multiple people the ONLY things that were clear and consistent were that he lied and fit his narrative to whatever he wanted to achieve.

He tried to reduce conflict by omitting information, he controlled people's perception of one another by how he spoke about them and how close he let them to himself and others, he built a support group by polarizing his friends against his 'enemies' and if anyone had a problem with him... They were wrong, and got added to the pile of 'aggressors' he had accumulated over the years, to be bashed and spit on for years to come.

He may have sensed my change in opinion when I directly asked him to help me reach out to the person who thought I disliked them- managed to come to an understanding and we mutually apologized for the situation... Without his meddling. Or maybe when he realized I was still on talking terms with the people he had lashed out at and directly asked him why he had kicked people who did absolutely nothing to him... Or it could be that I kept in contact with the person who 'ruined his life' by trying to protect his friends from him. I don't know.

While we were still talking he tried to identify with me and bond over the feeling of loosing the FC, a group of people that despite the anxiety, and pain I had felt in the environment he'd built I did deeply respect and care about... Despite the dissolution of that group and the abuse I suffered being -at the core- his own fault. He even went as far as to say my description of the PTSD and fear I was experiencing described exactly how he was feeling, too.

As our conversations further weighed on my mental health I had to take a break from interacting with him. I was honest again, with what I was told, what I knew, and asked him for honesty about the situation... What he had said about me behind my back and why because I wanted to hear it from him. I wanted to see if he would acknowledge the harm he caused both to me and the rest of the (former) FC.

He never did, and probably won't. He asked for some time to tend to his own stress levels and mental health and then blocked me on all social media and discord, and kicked me from his FC without ever making an effort to reach out.

Of the few people who are still close to him, one of them suggested that "maybe he just decided he didn't want to be friends anymore." But after him begging to have a conversation to iron out all the facts, claiming to be so anxious about such a conversation going well that he was 'shaking', admitting that what he did hurt people and that my being wary of him was understandable, asking me -directly- to let him know if he did anything 'shady', and stressing he REALLY wanted this conversation to take place when we were both able to handle it because of how important he felt it was...

I feel like its fair to say that him suddenly cutting off all contact isn't quite so simple. He could have done that at any point. Before pointedly ignoring my concerns, before gaslighting me, before blaming me for the results of his own actions, before accepting an apology for accusing him of things he did legitimately do, and certainly before directly telling me had no real problems with me, that he it was super important to him that we remain friends, and that I deserved his honesty.

I'm not going to try and tell anyone who they should be friends with or not. Frankly, people can change and in a lot of cases experiences with individuals will be different.

But on that same note, if I had known then what I know now I might have saved myself from roughly two years of anxiety and avoided the state of dissonance I now find myself in. I still have moments where I want to doubt the things I experienced first hand. My mind is still trying to repress my own memories to cope.

A part of me still cares about him despite everything because as far as I knew, he was my friend and I am still trying to reconcile what I found to be true.

At this point I feel like I should say please don't harass Morgy if you read this, but honestly? If you have any reason to hold him accountable go for it. He needs it. And if you have any gut feelings about him or anyone in his circle please listen to it. The few supporters he still has are willing to ignore anything he has done previous to the fall of his FC and have shown they are willing to debate and accuse people who speak out about legitimate concerns involving him.

If anyone has any questions I am willing to answer them and share the proof I have.

And in the off chance anyone wants to (further) argue with me about my experiences or whether or not I suffered enough to be considered a victim, please Google some images of a hand giving the middle finger. But if after that you still really want to play stupid games? I can find you some stupid prizes.

I don't owe him my silence. Or peace of mind. The only thing I owe him is to be as entirely, brutally, honest as possible given the information I have. I think it's a fair offer considering the mind-numbing volume of honesty he -still- owes all of us.

- - - - -

I may add more onto this. Unfortunately the entire situation is a lot more complex, but I wanted to get the backbone of my own experiences out there and there is so much bullshit it can't all be seen from any one direction. A lot of the circumstantial evidence loops back into other situations and makes it hard to comprehensively represent everything on any sort of singular timeline. As I said in the beginning there is a reason it took a small group 6 months to piece it together.

I am far from the only person hurt, and the entire situation was a mess with people feeling unnerved or pressured into going along with his agenda. For the most part now that I have more context I don't blame most of the people involved for their own actions. I fully support those who can't or won't come forward about the situation whether they just want out of his drama, or are afraid to come forward.

#ffxiv community #ffxiv rp #Morganaux #Morgy #Ser Noudenet #ffxiv twitter

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vxndictive · 4 years

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I’m back... Sort of

//So uh... Hi. After a couple of days away from everything tumblr related i managed to return with a bit of a fresh mind and new ideas, and this post that i hope doesn’t drag on for too long will serve as an explanation as to why i decided to take this hiatus, and what my plans going forward are. If you decide to sit through it all then hey, thank you, i’m glad you’re still here and i hope we can still talk and interact if you’re interested on doing so.

“So... What happened?”

“An absurd amount of stress and anxiety” is what happened. Basically since last week i’ve been having some extremely negative thoughts about self-hatred and just feeling i wasn’t good enough for anything, to the point where it was hard to even get out of my bed to eat (the mun lives on her own, she has no roommates or family that lives on the same home). I was in a very dark place. It doesn’t help that i also tend to have a lot of trouble opening up to others about my problems: If you knowing i’m not well also makes you feel bad, then i’d honestly prefer to just suck it up and endure everything on my own; which i know is a very toxic way to cope and only ends up making the problem worse in the long run. It doesn’t get anyone anywhere. In the last few days i’ve managed to recover though, and i feel like i’m in a better spot than i was before.

“Are you okay?”

Yes. As i mentioned before, it has happened before and it’ll continue happening. It’s a cycle i’ve unfortunately gotten used to over the years.

“Would you like to talk?”

The thought is appreciated if you want to, i won’t force anyone to listen to my problems but if you want to just catch up with me regardless, or just to talk about unrelated stuff you can just shoot me a DM in either tumblr or Discord.

“Speaking of Discord, can i add you?”

Sure, if we’re mutuals just ask me and i’ll be more than happy to give it to you.

“What’s your plan going forward?”

I decided to set myself a couple of goals that i’ll try to accomplish one at a time during my return.

Improve my formatting.

As i’m sure you noticed, i started using icons for mun stuff and begun implementing small text too. I do want to make things look fancier, even though it’s honestly kind of a chore sometimes. As for muse icons... I’ll see what i can do about that. Thankfully PSO2 is giving me a good outlet for in-game screencaps for Flayn.

Increase my interactions.

It’s no secret that my interactions plumetted in the weeks approaching my break. I want to remedy this, either by sharing more prompts or by approaching other blogs for starters. I don’t want to be a blog that only does memes and 4fun stuff when i have a muse that’s also good for more serious stuff, so i’ll probably be going around sending prompts to people i still haven’t tried to interact with. Of course, all my old stuff is still open if you want to send something in.

Starter calls and mains call.

I’ll be doing these again. Someone might still be interested but i’ll try to cut down the posts needed so i don’t end up clogging my followers’ dashes.

Rework some AUs

I’ll be honest: I’m not very satisfied with some of the AUs i have up yet. Mainly: Spirit Blossom in particular. It was rushed, and made just to quickly cash in on the hype. I’m likely going to revamp this one AU from scratch and go back to the Duality theme i had in mind before, you’ll see it when it’s done. The other AU that will receive some slight changes is Modern, but nothing too drastic will be done to that one. Instead of being an aspiring musician, Flayn will be an aspiring writer and artist instead. I feel that if i wanted to do musical stuff, i could just stick to Rap Devil instead of making a redundant AU.

“Will you be dropping any threads?”

I’ll be honest here: I don’t know. There are a lot of pending threads i’ve been laying off for months, and i have no idea if i’d still have the muse to answer them. I’d have to check individually. If i don’t, then i’ll let you know so we can plan another interaction if you still want to do so. I said several times that i have no problems with starting over if a thread doesn’t work out, so i hope we can reach an understanding over this if that’s the case with one we had.

That would be most of what i had to say. If you’re still here, then hey. I can’t really say anything other than “thank you”, i don’t expect anyone to care about what some random stranger on the internet has to say but i appreciate you still being here regardless. I know i’ve been very sporadic on my activity and i often just don’t reply to stuff, but i will also work hard to change that. I enjoy being part of this community, and i’ve met a lot of nice people during my stay. I truly want to make this a good experience, not just to you, but for all of my writing partners as well.

And this is just the beginning. I also plan to make a small event for next month in Halloween, which also doubles as Flayn’s birthday as some of you are probably aware. But that’s still on early planning. I’ll let you know more when that’s more set in stone.

Again, thank you very much for your time. I appreciate it a lot if you want to stay here and write with me regardless of everything, and i hope we can talk again very soon.

-Damsel.

#━━ ❛ Oh boy she’s starting now ❋ ◤ OOC ◢#━━ ❛ You probably got a bit carried away ❋ ◤ Long Post ◢#tw: icons #tw: depression mention #psa

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nootvanlis · 5 years

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Fuck Carmilla Con and Fuck SLC1698 and Goodbye

Yes this is another blog/fandom goodbye because my mental health is degrading and not getting any better. I don’t know when/if I’ll come back. And a lot of that has to do with Carmilla Con and SLC1698 which, fuck them. If you care to know why, feel free to read. And if you want to talk shit about me or send shit, don’t do it on my blog because I gave it away and frankly, I’m gone and don’t care enough to see it.

Carmilla Con

The con started with me and my friend. My friend and I started the con by gauging interest from my Tumblr and Twitter following and tried to hype it up. And when we did get some attention, suddenly we were approached by another group and said they were working on one already, but honestly they had nothing done.

A member of that group DM’d my friend saying they were already going to make it. We were hesitant about working together but I convinced my friend we should work together because the more the merrier. There was 8 of them and 2 of us… you can guess that we were outnumbered.

All the things my friend and I worked on suddenly got taken over by that group. All the things we planned were scrapped. There was no sense of compromising. It’s what ever they wanted. They changed it without consulting anyone. And when there were decisions to be made, we were outnumbered because the group always sided with the one person who decided to be the leader. The longer I stayed the longer I felt like shit and useless. No matter what I did or decided, it’s ignored or denied. I didn’t even feel part of the team.

As it progressed, I started getting into disagreements with the other members. 2 of them only cared about Wynonna Earp and admitted they rather attend a WE con than a Carmilla con which is why we had to cater to them so they can attend them. They wanted us to work around their schedule. I was deeply upset I was working with these type of people. Who had other priorities. Who didn’t even LOVE Carmilla as much as I did. At this point, I’ve been crying everyday with how difficult it was to work with them but struggling with not leaving because I didn’t want the con in the hands of these people.

The last straw came when the “leader” decided to take over the job I’ve been working on. The only one I felt confident in.

My friend was a professional logo designer. I asked her to help design a logo for the convention. I was willing to pay but she said she’ll do it for free. She worked tirelessly on it for a month, despite being super busy and came out with a super great design. I showed the group and they brushed it off. I thought maybe I’ll ask again down the road. 3 months later, I again say the logo is done but the “leader” said no, it’s not as good as hers. At this point, she had taken over every single task and had not let us touch anything in regards to this con. She wouldn’t budge because it was her own design. They never took me seriously at all to begin with and they were in majority so I never would’ve got any input in anyways.

I asked our group chat and not surprisingly at all, they decided against a professionally done logo in favour of their friend’s. Not only that, but they started mocking me. That night led me to my first big anxiety attack in years and I went to therapy the next day. I left shortly after because I couldn’t handle it anymore. My friend who started with me stayed. I don’t talk to them anymore because this whole situation still triggers me. It’s unfortunate because there were still people in that group I wish I had gotten to get to know better because they were nice to me. It doesn’t help that I’ve met them all before at the Carmilla movie screening and they made me feel left out. Even worse, they sent an email months later and the “leader” insisted they apologized and was trying to gaslight me but I know I never got one.

I felt so guilty because my friend did it for free and it took her so long. She stopped talking to me and unfollowed me. This is the worst guilt I’ve ever felt that even to this day, I talk about it with my psychiatrist. I’ve apologized countless times but I’ve never had that resolved and still feel like shit about it.

I wanted the con to be about the community that loved Carmilla, that shaped who I am today, that I considered home for 5 years. I wanted everyone to be treated equal and it be affordable. I wanted everyone to have fun and have a safe space to be themselves. It turns out, I wasn’t even going to be part of it.

Now I heard very shady things about the con behind the scenes and how some guests were mistreated but that ain’t my business. After what I heard, I hope the guests who had issues received what they deserve and karma will get to these organizers. Seeing and hearing more of the con and how everything is completely changed is just upsetting.

If you support the con, fine. I’m not angry at you, just disappointed. It’s all I wanted for the fandom, the cast, and the crew. You and everyone deserve it. But I’m not going to support it. As a matter of fact, it still triggers me hard. And being on social media, at cons, staying in this fandom is triggering to me everyday. I have over 1000 people muted and still can’t get away from it. So if you’ve read this far, don’t EVER talk about this convention with me. I spent 6 months in therapy JUST to handle Clexacon and I still had an anxiety attack every day and even in front of Natasha who was kind enough to help me calm down. It hurts to know the people I look up to, my own friends, the people I dedicated 4 years to are supporting the people that bullied me. And that I wasted so much time planning something I wasn’t even “allowed” to participate in. Months later and I’m still getting panic attacks over this and at one point, was nearly hospitalized. I don’t think any of them took the severity of what they put me through seriously and I still don’t think they ever will because they got what they want and won’t receive and backlash or repercussion.

But the biggest thing that hurts the most is Natasha and Elise promoting this. I love them so much but they both hurt me the most which is the biggest factor of me leaving.

I don’t want to be a party pooper and don’t want to be selfish so I figured I’d just leave because 1 miserable person leaving won’t make difference. I don’t think anyone really cares about me that much.

SLC1698

Now if you’re wondering why I fucking hate SLC1698, it’s because they betrayed me and stole the idea. While I left the fandom to recover from all con mess, they decided to make a whole new discord server and took everyone of my members away. I worked hard to promote the fuck out of my discord server and have a place where Carmilla fans can meet new people and chat. But no, they took my hard work to get “their” server started out.

That wasn’t even originally their idea. The idea originated on MY fanfiction channel on my discord server. The book club idea was started by at least 6 or 7 people. Some of the people had been on your server for years. Everyone was tight knit and it was almost like our own little family. But then someone decided to claim the idea as their own and built a new server in secret without any input from anyone else. One of the members consulted with there 2 close friends and not the other people who helped make what it was and take over it.

Even though they say it wasn't supposed to replace my server, they never really acknowledged the revival of my server when I came back. Which funnily enough, is similar to the con situation. They completely took over and made something that was supposed to be fun into work. And that server is completely devoid of fun because of all the demanding rules. Fanfic is supposed to be fun. Not a job.

Since all the members joined that new server, everyone left mine and left it dead. All my friends were gone. I’ve never felt so fucking alone in this community. They stole my friends and my community while I was already dealing with the feeling of uselessness from the convention. I felt like no one even gave a fuck about me and I still feel like that.

To people in either the groups, don’t interact with me. Fuck off. And fuck off with your fake kindness and promoting my stuff. Stay away from my friends and leave us the fuck alone. I want nothing to do with you or any of you.

Everyone’s so eager to say “community” but it stopped feeling that way for me a long time ago. This fandom is so tiny I can’t fucking escape the situation and the people who hurt me. My mental health degraded so much in the last 2 years. Sucks when the thing you love causes so much pain. It stopped feeling safe after all the betrayal which lead to anxiety and panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. I had to be honest with myself and see that this isn’t safe for me anymore even if I love it.

My biggest mistake was making it my obligation to provide stuff and then letting people take advantage of me. People keep asking for content and videos and I don’t have any so I feel like I let everyone down. I even risk getting kicked out of LFF and security following me around just trying to get a video of the panel. I feel like it’s a job, an obligation and it’s no longer fun. I do it out of the kindness of my own heart AND for free, providing for a community that’s helped me out a lot but now I feel like I’m being used. I feel so exhausted. I get anxiety when I don’t “provide” enough content because I don’t want to let people down. I want to be able to give more but I want to feel happy doing it but I feel so miserable. I don’t even know what I deserve anymore.

I feel like sometimes I’m the glue that sticks things together and when I’m going through something, everything somehow starts falling apart and right now, it’s happening to my group of friends. All my friends are leaving the fandom, too so I’m starting to feel lonely. I want to go out and and meet new people here in Toronto.

Thank you to my friends who have been super patient with me and put up with my mood swings this year.

I want to get better. I want to move past this. I want to support Natasha and Elise for as long as I can. Which is why I need to leave. It’s gonna be extremely boring and nothing can fill the void that Carmilla left me but I’ll live lmao. Thanks for everything and everyone who has made this last 5 years enjoyable. Until next time, I hope to talk to you all again.

I wish I could go back and do this all over again. I wish I can be 20 again and rediscover it

If you want to stay in touch, I’m on my personal twitter/instagram; girlvillains. If you still want to meet up next month, DM me there. DO NOT ask me about any of this and trigger me or I’ll block you. Respect my boundaries about this situation if you talk to me.

If you read all this, thank you. Thanks for letting me be this dramatic for years lmao.

#carmilla

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psychoticparadox · 4 years

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Introduction

So here we go again... I can’t even begin to guess how many times I’ve tried to be consistent with my blogging, but here goes another attempt.

As I go through life, I witness changes in myself & my environment as a whole.. Experiences build me and mold me, etc. Hopefully I am evolving throughout this process, but life is a roller coaster and I’m somehow still hanging on.

So, let’s get into this introduction a bit more with an ABOUT ME, shall we?

I think a proper greeting is due, so....

HELLO THERE! *waves*

My name is Angel. I am a shy introvert that over-analyzes every damn thing. Its both a nightmare and some cases enjoyable; depending who appreciates it and/or encourages it...if that makes sense. Some people admire my deep over-analyzing to details and therefore it energizes me and makes life as a whole FUCKING AMAZING...and simply put; WORTH LIVING. I literally crave this and thrive on this. This is my drive and simply put; keeps my crazy ass going.

Others will throw up road blocks that cause me to literally CRASH... I just shut down and become isolated, too afraid to share my most inner desires, dreams, identity, etc. When I shut down, I literally go into psychosis and helplessly drown in my own head. Often times, I contemplate suicide, as I feel so lost and engulfed in darkness... surrounded by loneliness and severe depression/anxiety. My self worth is fucked during those moments as my drive is deprived from my surroundings.

I am a Cancer Crab Zodiac, but was suppose to be born as a Gemini. My mother was pregnant with me for 10 months vs the “normal” 9 months. So I tend to take on both zodiac characteristics which makes shit even more fucking complicating.

I went to college for (too fucking long) for Psychology, Nursing, Law, and Arts. My passion seems to mostly be future based as a whole with whatever my surroundings may be. This means I may be adaptable, but also skip around like an ADD fucktard.

Which brings me to my next “about me”; I studied Psychology due to my vast diagnosis. I have been diagnosed with the following..... *clears throat*.... oh wait, I’m typing....so um..... *cracks knuckles*.......

Schizophrenia, Bipolar 1, ADD, BPD, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, Narcolepsy, Cataplexy, OCD, Epilepsy, CPTSD, Aspergers, Legally Blind, Dyslexia ...the list just keeps going....

By now, I’m sure you’re thinking... “HOLY FUCK THIS CHICK IS NUTS”..... yes, yes I am, but it also helps me see the world so different at the same time, and helps me be more understanding. If I could explain it in a lump-sum, it helps me see the world in different shades of colors others may not see. I see many are misunderstood and therefore went into Psychology to help anyone else through their battles. I had to face most of my battles alone, in silence, and don’t want anyone else to feel how I did; alone. Its one of the worst fucking feelings there is, and I thrive in helping others problem solve, plan for the future, come up with a game plan, etc. I find the human mind so fascinating and just can’t help but gravitate to increasing my knowledge of it. Even though I already have my Doctorate's in Psychology, I still can’t get enough of the mechanics of how we operate as a whole, as no one person, no one illness, is the same. And I find that amazing. I am thinking of going back to school to get my PhD in NeuroPsychology, as this is only a few more years and will educate me further. This will allow me to study brain scans in a Psychologist way. Fucking neat right? Naw? Eh,,,,I’m odd. *grins*

People often think that because I am an INTJ (Introvert Intuition Thinking Judging) personality, that I lack feelings and emotions, when its completely the opposite. I am an empath and my crazy mind throws that into my own mess of more shit for me to over-analyze as well, so I tend to show my emotions in silent, or with those closest to me I trust. Around the “right people”, I am quite driven, nurturing, loving, protective, loyal, outgoing, etc. I realize I may come off as arrogant, and even seem to have narcissistic behaviors, due to being so shy and my illnesses, and severe CPTSD. I am usually pretty reserved at first, and mostly observe others and listen. Once I know how they ‘tick’, I then will open up pieces of myself I feel may be appropriate/acceptable. I try to give others inspiration and drive. If I feel a part of me will do them no good, I keep that piece of myself quiet. Sometimes its unavoidable and my moods/actions are uncontrollable, and I try to be as communicative about my situation as I can, but most of the time I am at war in my own head and can’t even communicate to my own damn self, so its even harder to push that communication to others during those times....then BOOM.....domino effect. They feel worse as well as me. So overall, I try to only talk if whatever I have to say will be of aid, not to just “fill the silence”. My head is so loud as it is, so it does make it harder to push through my own internal noise as well.

As humans, we are our own worst critics it seems. This can be both beneficial and chaotic...and in some cases, (such as mine), completely disabling. To use this to our benefit, we must use it as lessons vs criticism. We need to grow and learn from our own thoughts and actions, as well as others, and NOT be criticizing it. Its hard to do, but the more we feed each other supportive inspiration, the brighter each of our futures will be. See what others have passion in, and fuel the fuck outta it. When you fuel others, you will fuel yourself; trust me. We are all empaths to an extent. We feed off each other. Most of the time this is referred to as “energy” and “vibes”....but its true. Whatever you put out into the universe will always return back to you... so I always quote “Spread those good vibes, y’all!”

Now, if you’ve made it this far in my post, first let me just say THANK YOU. This means a lot to me. I felt (and still struggle with this to this day) of feeling invisible and secretly hated... so when anyone shows any interest in me, I light up.

So onward of the whole “about me” I suppose, as well as my intro to this blog.

I needed an outlet to pour my mind into, as well as help others connect to me in a deeper way since I struggle with communication. My mind will literally overflow with thoughts that need to be thrown up somewhere, so heres one place they’ll go. I also plan to vblog on YouTube. I am a streamer on Twitch as well. I am on Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and will spread into other social medias as I see fit.

I started streaming on Twitch October 27th, 2019. It changed my life in many ways. I started it to build a safe place community/family, and it has been amazing. I cannot be more thankful for our community family. I mostly do the “Just Chatting” feature on there, but stream game play from time to time, and multi-stream with others as well. I mostly focus on helping others with therapy chats for free & run on a ‘donation/subscription” basis.

I absolutely love music. I’m obsessed with Rick & Morty. I used to be obsessed over Pusheen, and as I still have a place for that adorable feline in my heart, the obsession kinda faded.

I love to game and favor adventure slash games and FPS mostly.

I enjoy drawing anime, even though I have no interest in watching it. Go figure.

I write poetry from time to time. I also make jewelry, paint, etc. I love to design; whether it be decorating, technology based, fashion related, WTF ever....LOL I see it as an artistic way to plan I suppose?

I am a very misunderstood individual and hope for understanding for myself, as well as others.

I will end this post there for now, and add on when the urge comes. I hope y’all stick around and enjoy my company.

~peace & love~

xoxo angel (^_^)

#intro #about me #aboutme #info #intj #streamer #twitch #mental health #twitch streamer

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bearofohu · 6 years

Text

Professor Layton Anime Theory - Luke’s Possible Betrayal (LMDA Spoilers!)

hi guys its luke today i’m making a callout post on luke

this is probably the most cursed theory i will ever create and i promise this is pure speculation, i don’t WANT this to happen i don’t think this SHOULD happen i know the layton community will systematically explode if it does so please don’t unfollow me i am a sensitive boy

summary of the theory: this theory analyzes the possibly of luke betraying layton in the relic stone mystery similarily to emmy based on several aspects of luke’s two appearances in the anime and what we know about the future of the anime so far.

warning: swearing, implications that luke is a good boy gone bad

ps: sorry for the typos im so fuckign tired

full theory under the cut!

alright, lets go lesbians

me and the bros were talking on the layton community discord, and i mentioned something that has been bothering me about luke, a theory if you will. @officialchampionred summed up my thoughts on my own theory pretty well after i told them about it

i originally was just going to not do anything with my speculation, but i figured since the one i made about luke being kat’s father was so well received, even if i ended up being incorrect, i would take another shot at a theory that i think has a good chance of being realized somewhere down the line

ok so the theory summary sounds like a load of baloney when you read it for the first time, right? well hear me out, because i have several points to bring up that may rattle ur bones. without further ado, here are the points:

1. Luke’s Design and its Similarity to the Relic Stone Thugs In Episode 10

im going to start with one point that several people have caught on with all ready, but i don’t think anybody has ever really tried to connect the dots here. so you know luke’s new design, right? the fedora, the jacket, very cute

EXCEPT

here is an image comparison of luke’s design and the outfits of the men, we’ll call them the fedora fellas, we see that attack by don paolo’s orders in the museum

now i know what you’re thinking, “that there is just coincidence” or, “THEY MUST ALL HAVE TO WEAR FEDORAS ON MONDAYS” but i assure you, the similarities here are not accidental. there’s just no way. the design team wouldn’t love the same horrible design enough to just use it on multiple characters just cause they want to. there is just no way this has no relevance.

while some accessories and colors may be different on luke and the men, the general design is still in place, especially with the hat being an exact copy every time. a uniform protocol is being followed here. luke is most likely not wearing choice clothes. this is a uniform, and the men are also following this uniform.

it’s also worth mentioning that even don paolo has a SORT OF similar design change to the color schemes we see in the henchmen and luke

its not entirely relevant, but the red color kind of fits the bill, and i don’t think they would also change paolo’s design for absolutely no reason.

@muzzable also made an amazing color comparison for this theory between luke’s uniform and the fedora fellas, so full credit there!

this image analyzes the color differences between luke’s outfit and the ones worn by those men. note that obviously its not exact, and its probably not supposed to be.

that’s because this is the shit akihiro doesn’t want you to pay much attention to while watching, and its WORKING.

this is so in the event of a betrayal it will smack you upside the jaw (my jaws been broken before, it hurts)

now another counterpoint could be, “maybe its relevant but it doesnt automatically mean that luke works with the fedora fellas or don paolo” and you’d be fucking spot on you funky little luke fanatic, but i got a lot more up my sleeve to tell you.

at the end of this theory, we’re going to move to discuss luke’s motives, but for now, we’re going to stick with the essential points. now we’re going to move onto point 2, which isn’t entirely as direct as point 1, but still holds relevance if you squint

2. Luke’s Nervous/Suspicious Behaviour in Episode 10 & ESPECIALLY 20

watch out, this point is the biggest one analysis wise

you wanna know something i noticed about episode 10 and 20?

luke looks and acts noticeably nervous in almost every scene he’s appeared in

for one example, did anybody else notice the repetitive anime sweat drop going on with no character BUT luke in episode 20, ESPECIALLY the closer they got to the relic stone chamber?

he’s sweating in a LOT of scenes, and on top if that, if you pay attention to his behaviour a lot of it is him just looking generally... worried. a lot of people discredit the anime sweat drop as a cosmetic trope, but a lot of animators actually use it to convey genuine fear or anxiety that offers hints to the direction of the plot.

it’s like he knows something we don’t about the relic stones, like he has something to hide, and he gets worse the further they go, like the closer they get to the relic stones the more nervous luke gets that he’ll have to betray the professor IN THAT MOMENT

and hershel isn’t worried or nervous at all because he TRUSTS luke and i know you could be like, “oh but luke, hes just a nervous boy” and thats all fair and good, we can safely say that luke COULD be a naturally anxious character, but these little details and luke’s general behaviour are VERY noticeable once you pay attention to them for the first time, and also the concept of him being a nervous character was never in place when he was a boy with no malicious motives that we’re speculating now

the pattern of looking luke generally troubled is also shown in episode 10, though perhaps not as noticeable as it is in 20.

while they’re discussing the relic stones and luke is explaning the situation to marina (who im pretty sure is not aware of luke’s outside motive), he gets a little nervous and hesitant when they start talking about why he was doing it. layton then finishes his sentence for him, saying it was for katrielle, indirectly saving luke from having to scramble for an explanation. he just looks OFF.

marina’s face is also the official mood for this post

anyway, level-5 loves using body language in their animations. in cutscenes, the characters often perform actions that define their thinking and their motive. for example, layton puts his hand on his chin and walks around, oh boy he’s going to expose someone. descole slams his hands on the piano keys in eternal diva, oh boy he’s pissed. layton points at someone, oh boy they’re the culprit.

was luke ever THIS nervous and hesitant in the games, when he was a boy? no, not passively nervous. he was only really nervous in the face of danger. as a boy, he was actually pretty confrontational and confident.

so why act so strange here? what changed?

luke looks pretty nervous in this anime, oh boy i wonder if there’s something bothering him that nobody knows about

i feel like now would be a good time to issue a disclaimer that also supports my points, this theory is NOT meant to imply, “oh luke’s a heartless bastard he hates layton and wants the relic stones for himself”

i have very little faith in the idea that, if luke is doing this, he would be doing it for himself, or because he wants to.

i’m confident in this theory, but im not confident that luke’s motives are just plain evil, because while his character can change and realistically SHOULD CHANGE, i don’t think he has it in him to just become evil. i think someone’s either forcing his hand (maybe similarly to clark’s situation), or giving him something he can’t refuse in return for layton.

but more on that later.

now we move onto point 3!

3. Key Hint Passively Given by Picarats

u guys know picarats, right? the guy that provides us with the streams, my bro, an awesome guy...

a guy that is in direct kahoots with level 5 and knows exactly how everything in the anime going to work out

beelieve it or not, picarats is actually a member of the discord server that i run (https://discord.gg/ZYxmPP) and he posts there occasionally. he’s pretty vocal with our community so it’s really not that much of a shocker that he would give us hints from time to time. we’re true bros. i love u my guy

but that’s not the point, the poINT, THE JUICY PART, the REASON why im bringing picarats up... is because he’s provided us with a crucial hint to support my theory, mainly during the episode 20 stream

THE KEY HINT THAT PICARATS HAS GAVE US WAS...

LMDA’s storyline, in its current form and in its future presumably, is a reflection of the events of Azran Legacy.

now this is something picarats DID say, though not entirely in verbatim, during the episode 20 stream. i promise u with every ounce of gay power in my body that he said that the anime’s storyline reflects azran legacy’s.

unfortunately, i do NOT have a screenshot because i was too busy having a psychiatric breakdown in the middle of the episode. if anyone took a screenshot of him saying that, pls send it to me, i will credit and love you forever. <3

that single hint during that stream is EXTREMELY crucial and most likely the most important one, it was one of the things that spurred my thinking about this theory, so essentially

BUT you may ask, lUKE, what is so important about the fact that the anime is supposed to mirror azran legacy?? whats the significance of that??

well.. u mere mortal... im about to give you a series of events from both azran legacy and LMDA

azran legacy was an adventure to discover the secrets of the azran, right?

right.

emmy, his loya resourceful assistant and friend of whomst he TRUSTS, is with him up until they are moments away from unlocking the secrets, right?

right.

then, this devastating shit happens.

youtube

emmy shows remorse for betraying layton but tells him she was doing it for someone else and wouldn’t have done it otherwise.

everyone dies.

are you following my thought process so far?

now lets go to LMDA’s current canon storyline

layton reunites with luke, who is acting nervous constantly and wears an outfit similar to the people who want the relic stones for malicious intent

layton, fully trusting luke, leave katrielle to go on an adventure to find the relic stones, a series of artifacts that are linked to the azran.

they go on the adventure and then become moments away from unlocking the secrets of the relic stones

LAYTON GOES MISSING.

thanks picarats, that single sentence you said in a stream has turned me into a conspiracy theorist

are we broken yet? are we all nice and broken yet?? good. now we get to talk about LUKE’S POSSIBLE MOTIVES.

Luke’s Possible Motives for Betraying Layton

now this is yet another juicy part of the theory, and probably where the biggest counterargument might come into play, which is:

“bUt LUkE WoUld NeV ER dO tHAT”

bUT i will give you my theories on luke’s possible motives for concocting a scheme that wild, but before i do, i would like to give u a memorable quote from clove dive that basically sums up the point im about to make:

we, as a fandom, are collectively forgetting that it is unrealistic to think luke has barely changed in terms of personality and motive

do i blame us? no. after all, we’ve known luke as an innocent boy for about 11 years now.

hino knows this. hino knows how good we think luke is. that’s why i said that his attempt to make us ignore the hints is WORKING.

and like i said, i can’t blame any of us at all for wanting to believe that luke hasn’t changed, but its simply unrealistic.

as much as we don’t like to believe it, luke and layton have basically barely if not at all interacted for several years up until this point

luke is not a boy. something about luke has changed.

and this theory attempts to connect just what that change might be.

like i said before, i wholeheartedly disbelieve that in the event this theory is accurate, luke has ‘turned evil’ just like we all believe emmy didn’t turn evil.

they were forced to do it for something that they deeply cared about.

they were forced to betray their friend for something bigger.

and i think that’s a damn exhilarating plot device.

Conclusion

now you might have guessed that in this point in the theory i’ve gone from being serious into shitposting as my thought process usually does, and also i’ve been working on this since 3 AM, so im gonna go ahead and wrap this up with a disclaimer before you throw a chair at me.

i am in no way implying that this is canon or SHOULD be canon. i love luke and don’t want to see him betray layton, but this theory is meant to purely speculate the possibilites of the future of this anime

in a nutshell...

its just a theory.

A GGAAMMEE TTH E EE O RR Y.

#professor layton #pl #lmda #lmj anime #layton anime #layton theories #layton anime theory #hershel layton #luke triton #shut up luke #luke's crackpot theories

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monachopsicalwhimsy · 7 years

Text

// So remember last night when I said there was going to be some tea spillage?

I didn’t because I wanted to give myself a bit to calm down and actually think rationally about what I wanted to say. The full story will be under the cut and I’m going to queue the post too so I won’t know when it’s coming out and have anxiety over it.

Roleplay writing is supposed to be fun, a hobby to relax and escape the real world for a little bit. But I had someone ruin that for me for quite a while. As many of you know @vitrexanima (I can’t actually tag her because unfortunately she blocked me) and I used to be best friends and we wrote with one another every day.

Now? I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. And I want you guys to know the havoc she wreaked on not only myself but my muses.

For starters there was a lot of personal stuff between us and I soon came to find out how selfish and manipulative she is. I don’t think it’s necessary to go into detail there though.

She had said when we first started writing that her muse Aeron was an “asshole”, a very difficult character to get along with and that it would take some time for him to warm up to my muses. Never ever was I warned that he is abusive nor was a toxic relationship between our muses discussed. Both of my muses have been through hell and honestly I would never write a toxic ship for them.

But, unfortunately that’s what it became.

James and Aeron had a soulmates plot, and it started out with some angst to shake things up. It took them a lot to get somewhere even civil, let alone anything resembling a relationship. Even then James was treated like shit, insulted, and dragged through mud.

And as for Aeron and Adain.. well she’s pretty much one of the sweetest and most giving muses I have ever seen. She gave and gave and gave to Aeron but anytime she tried to get anything in return it was met with a harsh attitude and a shitstorm.

James tried to kill himself twice, the first of which landed him in the hospital. Aeron brought him, but he was still treated like shit and caused a freak out for James, which made Aeron have to leave the hospital. Nothing got better.

The way Aeron was treating Adain started reminding her of the way her ex treated her, stirring up those triggering thoughts and memories. She’d started contemplating ending her life too.

Again… none of this was ever discussed as okay. I kept trying, my muses kept trying and giving but absolutely nothing would change. It messed them up and wore me down. I started thinking we were the problem, that I was an awful writer and my muses were too underdeveloped. Otherwise why weren’t things getting better??

Over time it destroyed me and my muse for writing in general. I could hardly get any replies out. Things just kept getting worse and worse. It caused my depression and anxiety to act up badly. I had my first panic attack in years over my draft count, but I couldn’t bring myself to write.

Meanwhile, Wyntaire (the mun) kept manipulating me into thinking she cared and that the muse’s relationships would get better.

It didn’t get better.

After talking to a couple of my friends on here, I realised how much messed up stuff had been going on and got the courage to call it quits. So I messaged her, basically calling her out about the abusive things Aeron was doing and how it destroyed my muse.

I didn’t get an apology. Not once throughout this whole ordeal, nor did she even seem like she cared. Instead she moved on to one of my other mutuals and closest friends. It seems like she’s doing the very same things to me that she’s doing to them. I pray it isn’t the case and that they get out before they get destroyed…

Anyway… so. I called her out. Said that I am not going to write with her anymore. She said something about changing her muses (bc her muse Eira was a problem too but it’s less relevant). And we stopped talking. I unfollowed her.

Meanwhile- she still continued to tag our old ships in things. Constantly. I did my best to ignore it. About a week passed. And then the other night happened, which is why I’m writing this.

Over the course of the night she reblogged 7 of our threads. All of which were tagged as from the queue… but that seemed highly suspicious considering:

I know her writing speed.

Her queue never posts that many at once.

Several of them had to have been written after I decided to quit writing with her.

None of those threads were talked about in her posts that kept track of what was in her drafts/queue.

It honestly really upset my muses and I. So I decided to message her and ask why she posted them. I was given the excuse that they were from the queue, which let’s be honest I knew she would. And she supposedly didn’t want to delete them because the time was taken to write them. I tried to be nice and say that I might still reply to the ones she had posted with Adain and Oliver, because he was completely unproblematic so I figured no harm done..

I was told that she couldn’t do that because it was “uncomfortable” for her.

Uncomfortable for her?!

Are you kidding me?

After all the shit she put my muses and I through yet SHE was uncomfortable.

So that was the end of that conversation. Except I had seen that she continued to tag our ships, and she had reblogged another one of my posts. I went to message her and ask her to stop…

And she had blocked me. Mind you she had also “accidentally” blocked me here and on discord a few days prior to this and even after slipping up that she did it on purpose refused to admit what she had done.

And here we are.

@vitrexanima is a snake. Don’t trust her.

I just wanted to warn you guys about the awful experience I have had. I don’t want the same thing to happen to any of you guys as well. Not just with her, but with anyone in the rp community.

If something doesn’t feel right, please, for the love of rp DO NOT go on with it! You’re allowed to back out if a situation makes you uncomfortable.

#ooc #vitrexanima #personal #rp warning #call out post #tw; abuse #tw; panic

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alritey · 7 years

Text

So I wrote a thing

I totally don’t know what to title this but uh maybe give this a read?? I’ve never written newsies stuff before and nobody proofread it so don’t judge too harshly please! —————————————-

The first time Davey has an attack in front of Jack he runs to hide it. Makes up a stuttered excuse about going to the bathroom and avoids Jacks usual friendly pats on the back just so he won’t notice he’s shaking. They were with Crutchie and Spot and Racetrack in a place that was too crowded, too loud, too much. David had only met Jack a few days earlier, considering he’d just transferred, and he desperately didn’t want the reputation of the ‘panicky scared freak’ that he’d had at his old school.

So when in the middle of a conversation he felt the familiar drumming of his heart and lump rising in his throat David gently pushed Jacks arm off of him. This earned a confused look from the table and a concerned “You okay Dave?” from Jack.

Dave. The lump in Davids throat grew at least two sizes larger and he stumbled out of the seat, glad that it was probably too dark to see the blush taking over his face. “B-bathroom” Silently cursing his stutter he rushed off before anyone could stop him. When the loud chatter of conversation seemed to bleed through the walls of the abandoned restroom it was all David could do to keep from sliding down the wall and crying.

“I 2 3 4 5” Slowly counting and going through his routine breathing exercises David felt his pulse slow and the lump in his throat unknot itself. Taking one last deep breath he walked back out to the group and made up some lame excuse about getting caught up when his mom called him. This led to the boys all teasing him about how 'sweet’ he was, brushing off his weird behavior as just being David.

————————————–

The second time he has an attack around Jack it’s during lunch. It was Davids second week at their school, and most of the boys had learned that David was not touchy. Although he was affectionate he showed it through exasperated sighs and sheepish smiles, because touch just wasn’t his thing (giving or receiving).

Jack was the one exception. The way he’d casually place an arm around Daveys shoulders and how he’d always greet him with a hug all made Dave feel safe. Jack was always patient, at first he’d constantly asked permission but within just a few days he and Davey had learned to communicate almost telepathically. And the boys all recognized this and respected it. Davey didn’t like being touched and if you did something he wasn’t comfortable with then you had to deal with a pissed off Jack Kelly.

So when Skittery’s (slightly annoying) cousin Franky sat a little too close to David during lunch it set red flags off in his mind. Choking out laughs and keeping his gaze fixed on Jack and Racetrack who were on his other side David tried to pretend he was fine. Tried to pretend that just the body heat of Franky wasn’t making his hands shake and his heart hammer.

“Ugh Collins is such a dick Davey!” Groaned Jack overdramatically as he chomped down on his pizza. “I mean who assigns a packet over the weekend?!” Scrunching his nose as his friend talked with his mouth full David gave Jack a stern look, smiling when Jack swallowed his food before speaking again. “Over freaking Romeo and Juliet! The most overrated book of all time!”

Across the table Romeo let out an offended scoff, which made them all burst into giggles. David had almost forgotten about The over enthusiastic kid sitting much too close to him until Franky casually draped an arm around Davids shoulders as he was laughing. Nobody else seemed to have noticed until Davids laugh suddenly cut off and he sat rigid. Racetrack was the first to notice what had made David suddenly so uncomfortable and a fierce glare was sent to Franky. A few others (Romeo, Skittery, and Blink) also sent dirty looks to Franky but he didn’t seem to get the message.

Then Jack noticed, and right underneath the surface he was livid. “Hey Franky” he calmly greeted in a saccharine sweet voice. The mentioned boy leaned over David to hear what Jack had to say, which only made it worse. Squeezing his eyes shut and hunching his shoulders closer to him David tried to slow his breathing. “How about you let go of Davey here okay Franky?” There was a sickly sweet venom to Jacks voice as he smiled at Franky.

Leaning back into his seat Franky laughed, “Aw, he yours Jack?” The comment itself made Jack nearly boil over but what happened next made the entire table mad.

He squeezed David and pulled him into his side, ruffling his hair. Shooting out of his seat David dashed towards an abandoned hallway, his legs shaking so bad he nearly couldn’t stand.

“He don’t belong to nobody you dick” A Seething Jack shoved Franky’s chair back before running after Dave.

'Not today not here’ David thought frantically. Everything around him faded into a blur as he gasped like a fish out of water, too panicked to even think of his breathing exercises. Slipping down to the floor he tried desperately to think of anything, resorting to tears when it didn’t work.

“Shit Dave”

The discord inside Davids head calmed the tiniest bit as he recognized Jacks voice. But he was acutely aware of the fact that Jack was panicking a little bit too.

“Hey hey just breath okay? Count with me bud”

A barely managed nod enough for Jack and he was surprised when David grabbed one of his hands, squeezing tight. Wasn’t affection the reason for Davids current panic anyways?

“1 2 3”

Squeezing Davids hand Jack sat down across from him, letting out a relieved sigh when his counts were finally repeated.

“1-1 2 3”

They continued counting until Jack felt Davids hands stop shaking and his stutter all but vanished. “I’m sorry Davey, I knew Franky was sitting too close but I figured it wouldn’t get too bad.” The two sat with their back against the lockers, Jacks arm draped across Davids shoulders and David leaning into his side for support.

“Its fine, I get these all the time” Jacks breathing hitched and David winced. 'He thinks you’re a freak, a wimp. He’s gonna leave you like everyone else’

But Jack didn’t leave, he squeezed David just a little bit closer to his side. “Why didn’t you tell me Dave? Is that why you left at dinner the other night?”

And so they spent lunch and their free period discussing Davids anxiety and how Jack could help.

—————————————-

The third time David has an attack around Jack, Jack does everything he can to prevent it.

Several of their friends were in the band and so he’d joined Jack and Crutchie for a football game to see their friends play. David had yet to attend any games because a football game was just about the worst place for somebody with sensory overload issues and a pretty severe anxiety. But Jack promised he’d be with him all night, and so David allowed his best friends to drag him to the game.

“Popcorn Dave?” Crutchie asked, holding it out towards his friend who shook his head. Currently the three sat towards the top of the bleachers because it was less crowded and Jack assured David 'you can see better up here anyways’. Jack and Crutchie sat on either side of him, David leaning into Jack who had an arm wrapped protectively around his shoulders. After a particularly bad call yelling and shouts rippled throughout the audience and David nuzzled into Jacks scarf.

“It’s too loud Jacky” Wincing at the quiet tone of the curly haired boy who was hiding in his scarf Jack nodded.

Pushing Davids hair off of his forehead Jack placed a light affectionate kiss on the exposed patch of skin, which only made David burrow into his scarf more in an attempt to hide his intense blush. “How about I go get you a hat or some earmuffs?” After a second of hesitation David nodded because Jack wouldn’t take longer than five minutes and Crutchie himself had an anxiety problem and knew what to do if an attack happened. “I’ll be right back okay?” Gently Jack shifted David over towards Crutchie, who smiled brightly and held Davids hand to assure him that somebody was still with him.

“Thanks Jack”

Watching Jack walk down the stairs and away from him made Davids heart panic. He knew it wasn’t healthy, this unsafe feeling he got whenever Jack wasn’t around. Pushing it down he instead leaned into Crutchie who jumped a little in surprise because David normally wasn’t comfortable with much more than occasional hand holding. A moment later he smiled and melted into the affectionate gesture, holding Davids hand just a bit tighter.

“Dave do you even like football?” Sheepishly David shook his head and Crutchie laughed. “Me neither, but Jack sure does have a way of convincing people to do things. Wanna watch Netflix on my phone instead?” With a nod David snuggled even further into Crutchies side.

That’s how Jack found them 10 minutes later when he returned with nachos and a cute red and yellow beanie for David. When he saw his best friend since kindergarten and his new best friend cuddled up on the bleachers and giggling hysterically at something on a phone screen he couldn’t stop the affectionate smile on his face. God he had already known he loved Crutchie, but now Dave comes along with his crystal clear blue eyes and his curly hair and sarcastic comments and random facts. Jack should feel guilty shouldn’t he? After all somebody had once told him it was impossible to actually love 2 people at the same time.

Then again, when did Jack Kelly ever listen to what anybody else said?

—————————————- The fourth time, Jack’s the one who causes it.

He really hadn’t meant to, honest. What kind of dick would intentionally cause their friend/crush to have an anxiety attack?

A few weeks ago Jack had confessed to Crutchie, babbling about how he was in love with his best friend for what seemed like hours until Crutchie just laughed and pressed his lips against his. Jack thought that once he had Crutchie his love for Davey would go away. Not that he wanted it to but it made him feel guilty.

Little did he know Crutchie felt the same way.

When he’d first heard they were together Davids heart sank. The two people he had slowly fallen in love with were in love with each other. There would probably be no more safe touches, no more protective arms placed around shoulders. No mumbled Daves, and no bright Daveys. Jack and Crutchie had each other…so why would they need him?

And so he drifted. It started with little things like denying requests to hang out, or 'forgetting’ to respond to calls and messages. (Both of them knew Davey didn’t just forget things) And then it turned into avoiding them at halls, sitting next to Skittery who sat on the other side of the table from his usual spot. The last straw was when David completely walked past their table and took a seat on the ground, leaned against the wall.

“Okay that’s it. I gotta see what’s up with him.” Standing up from his seat Jack made his way over to David.

“Jack Kelly do not confront Dave- I can’t believe you!” Skillfully avoiding students Crutchie bounded over to Jack (or at least as close to bounding as one could get when they had to use a crutch) in an attempt to stop him. “Jack you’re going to overwhelm him! Just wait and we can ask him to come over after school or something and ask then!”

Turning to face Crutchie Jack sighed. “But he won’t Crutch. He’s avoiding us and I have to know why” Continuing his speedy approach towards Dave he stopped only when he was almost directly in front of Dave.

Red flag.

Despite the fact that he knew Jack would never actually hurt him David recognized the fact that he was now trapped against the wall. And that was no good. No good no good no no no no no. Swallowing his strawberry David kept his gaze fixed on Jacks shoes. “Y-yes?”

In a tone that came off much harsher than intended Jack asked him, “Why are you avoiding Crutch and I?”

Shaking hands.

Gripping his hands together Davids shoulders tensed up and he scrambled for an answer. How do you tell your best friend that you like both him and his boyfriend? “I-Its nothing”

“Oh so you just decided to be a dick and avoid us because of 'nothing’?” The moment the words came out Jack regretted them. Everybody had problems, and Jacks was not thinking before he spoke. “Shit I’m sorry I didn’t mean that Davey i-i just” kneeling down to Davids level he reached an arm out to pay him and flinched when David shied away, shaking violently.

“Oh now you’ve gone and done it Jack Kelly” Crutchie whispered harshly. Shooting a glare at his boyfriend he plopped onto the floor, fixing his gaze on David. “Hey hey can you count for me Davey? Just repeat after me, 12345”

Breathing shallowly David tried to copy, stutter and getting stuck and growing more and more frustrated until tears shone in his eyes.

“Dave”

He hated to admit it but god Davey had missed the sound of his nickname rolling off Jacks tongue. Missed it so much that just hearing it calmed him down. Missed it so much that he grabbed onto both Jack and Crutchie hands tightly.

Neither said anything but a glance was shared between them that seemed to convey everything they’d wanted to tell each other.

They both loved Davey, and each other. It was messy and different but it was what had happened.

A hesitant but protective arm was wrapped around Daveys shoulders and he nearly cried again, gripping Crutchies hand even tighter when he started to try and move. “I thought you didn’t need me anymore.”

Jack threw Davey an incredulous look and softly kissed his forehead. “We’ll always need you you goof.” Burrowing into his sweater David thought he would combust when Crutchie scooted next to him and placed another kiss on his forehead.

“B-but you guys have each other and I don’t wanna get in the way of your relationship because you guys deserve to be happy and I don’t wanna be an awkward third wheel so-” His rambles were cut off by Jacks lips on his. David 'walking mouth’ Jacobs was speechless as he looked between Crutchie and Jack in panic.

'Jack just kissed me??! In front of his boyfriend??’ When Crutchie leaned over to repeat Jacks actions David was even more confused. “I-I think I missed something here?” His voice rose at least 2 octaves as he continued to panic.

“Well you see, I think I like you Davey.” The casual way Jack said it made David snort despite his panic.

“But, but Jack you have a boyfriend?”

“Yes I like him too” As if to prove the point Jack kissed Crutchie. For a minute or so David just opened and closed his mouth without making any actual noise. Crutchie had to bite back a laugh, figuring David would be a little offended if he laughed.

After the minute of David gaping like a fish Crutchie spoke up, “I like you too y'know Dave, and Jack. And we have a sneaking suspicion you like us both too.” Both older boys took the blush that crept up Davids neck as a yes. “So we were wondering if you wanted to be a relationship with us?”

At the renewed look of panic on Davids face Jack scrambled to calm him down. “It’s gonna be messy and weird and if you don’t want to then that’s fine. But we really do both like you Dave.” Squeezing his anxious friends shoulders Jack chewed on his lip as he waited for an answer.

“I-I’d like that, I really would.” Smiling shyly at his friends, boyfriends now he supposed, David nodded. “Yeah I think I’ll like that.”

#long post #text heavy #//anxiety #polyamory #Jack Crutchie David #newsies #newsies fanfiction #javid #jackcrutchie #I wrote a thing

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q-confessions · 7 years

Text

About Q #1

Many people suffering from mental illness have little “quirks” that show when they are uneasy or when their anxiety is triggered. When you are able to point out your own quirks it becomes easier to recognize what types of situations become your trigger points.

By recognizing this, you can either remove yourself from said situation or try to stop your quirk by physically adjusting yourself and changing your mindset to something more positive. This is something I have struggled with in the past but I am trying to become a better person to communicate with!

MY SOCIAL QUIRKS:

- Failure to make eye contact. This is a quirk that I am trying my hardest to fix because it has an effect on my conversations between friends and I and it can give them the wrong signal such as me being uninterested or bored. I have tried to figure out why I do this and I believe it to be a result of being bullied as a child. I would often get yelled at by other kids or sometimes hit in the face for “looking at them” when I often was either just day dreaming or looking past them. This had a major affect on how I present myself in public for a LONG time so to this day I keep my eyes down or gaze out a window and avoid direct eye contact.

- Talking quickly or fumbling over my words. When I get anxious around a new person or they don’t agree with something I say; I get this jolt in my heart and it kicks up speed beating irregularly fast and I get tongue tied or start talking quickly. I immediately catch myself doing this and it makes things worse because I know the other person notices my behavior and it then makes me even more flustered or embarassed. This is a tough quirk to break because I am easily broken at the thought of making someone disappointed or dislike me because I have trouble socializing.

- Drinking excessively. I do not leave my apartment often but if I do happen to see someone we go out for lunch. Because of my difficulty with eye contact I usually find things to distract myself unconciously and focusing on my drink or food is the most common distraction although it isn’t necessarily negative as it helps my from becoming too anxious.

- Lack of trust. I have had many many manyyyyyyyyyy fake friends cross my path for one reason or another. This on top of being bullied most of my life as caused me to not trust people. Although I want close friends, it takes time for my to completely open up to others because I am scared of feeling used again when all I want is a companion.

MY GENERAL ANXIETY QUIRKS:

- Leg fidgeting. My legs bounce excessively when I am stressed out and it is a trait that runs in my family. This is a quirk I typically allow to happen because if I do not I tend to go for one of my more distruptive quirks.

- Pen clicking. I APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER DEALT WITH ME DOING THIS!!! I honestly don’t even realize I am doing it until after it has likely aggrevated someone. Like many who suffer from anxiety, pressing buttons, tapping or spinning objects is a form of self-relief. One item that can help with this is a fidget cube which I hope to get myself in the near future [usually $6 from the US or $2 from China]. https://www.ebay.com/itm/Rose-Fidget-Cube-Toy-Anxiety-Stress-Relief-Attention-Focus-Adults-Kids-Attention/252965998621

- Teeth Chomping. For the health of my teeth, I am trying SO HARD to stop this one! I had a huge issue with this as a kid and stopped for most of my young adult life but the habit has sparked up again. When ever I am under alot of stress I chomp my teeth repeatedly until I catch myself and force it to stop.

- Lip or Cheeck Biting. This is one of my more self destructive quirks. I bite the dead skin on my lips a lot when I am stressed or working. This is one I have gotten better at stopping by glazing my lips in medicated chapstick several times a day.

MY DEPRESSION QUIRKS:

- Procrastination. I am actually having issues with this right now . . When I am under a high amount of stress, I tend to wait til the last minute to do things. Time seems to fly when I attempt to plan out my day and in the end not accomplish a damn thing! I struggle with this more than anything else but I will continue to try and break my habit with better scheduling habits or alarm reminders.

- Eating. I eat when I am upset and it is destroying my body. This is a difficult quirk to break but the way I help stop it is by not buying junk food or soda. If I am going to snack it might as well be healthy! This has become a bit easier for me to control because I try to have toddler sized portions when I get the stress munchies so I end up just frequently picking at bits of food rather than shoveling food down my throat like I did in middle school and high school.

- Solitude. There at times like this very moment where I evade social media and discord to keep to myself until I feel like I am able to talk to people with out wanting to cry over every little thing. I have a hard time socializing as it is but it is 1000x worse when I am depressed. I hate myself so much at these times and I dont want to share that with others.

#bad habits #anxiety #depression #social anxiety

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