#i want to be myself but someone else is already doing that better than i can

[worldlxvlys]

running

part seven of the CRUSH series

bsf! matt sturniolo x reader

warnings: angst, cursing, mentions of sex

a/n -> read the previous part for context !!

ever since the day he apologized, matt had been acting weird. there was a very obvious tension between us, but neither of us said anything about it. his brothers on the other hand, were quick to point it out.

“ok, what’s up with you two? did you fuck again, or something?” chris asked, earning a quick hit and an incredulous look from nick. matt just rolled his eyes, answering with a brief “no”, before turning in the direction he came from.

he was distant and quicker to anger than he usually was. it seemed like the smallest things set him off, he was just so mad. his recent attitude has made me quite distant myself because being around him wasn’t very enjoyable.

he had his moments where he seemed like his usual self, but for the most part, he was miserable. of course i was aware that this was partially my fault, as right after our conversation about the night we slept together his entire demeanor changed.

i felt terrible, and i wanted nothing more than to help him feel better. but i tried to figure out what was wrong, and he just pushed me away. i wanted to be there for him, but he was a grown man at the end of the day. if i did or said something to upset him, he needed to communicate what that was.

so for the past week, we didn’t hang out unless it was with his brothers. we barely spoke two words to each other, and he couldn’t even look at me on the rare occasion that we did. i tried not to let it get to me, but he was supposed to be my best friend. now he couldn’t even be around me ?

MATT’S POV

just when i think i can’t possibly make things worse than they already are, i prove myself wrong. i somehow managed to completely drive y/n away, and now i couldn’t even look at her.

every time i saw her, i felt the shame and guilt eat away at me. i’ve treated her terribly for the past week, and now she couldn’t stand being around me.

at first i just wanted a little bit of distance, because i knew that the second i felt her soft fingers on my face or watched her plump lips pull into a smile, i would be gone. she’s constantly running through my thoughts, and i have no way of stopping it.

every day chris made these sly comments about how i should make a move on her before someone else did, and that pissed me off. his words constantly rang through my ears, and it made me paranoid.

every time she smiled at her phone and typed away at her screen, which was happening a lot more often recently, i got more and more annoyed. i did my best to push it down and ignore it, but it always seemed to make things worse.

whether she was talking to someone or not, she was growing more and more distant by the day. i found myself missing her when she was in the same room as me, which made me realize just how bad i let the situation get.

i decided to go over to her house to talk to her, knowing i had to clear the air. and that’s how i ended up here, standing at her doorstep anxiously, trying to gain the confidence to knock.

before i could force myself to do it, her door swung open. i must’ve looked like a deer in headlights, my eyes widened as she caught me off guard. she let out a chuckle at that, “i saw you on the doorbell camera, i thought i’d just make this easier for you”

well that’s embarrassing. “you saw that whole thing?” i asked, hoping it wasn’t true. when she nodded her head in response, i closed my eyes shaking my head slightly as i cursed myself. “it’s ok, matt. it was cute” she spoke, a small smile on her face.

i felt my face heat up while i prayed she didn’t notice the deep shade of red that my face turned at the comment. “come on” she motioned to the inside of her house, choosing not to comment on my flustered state.

READER’S POV

when i moved to the side to let matt in, i caught sight of a small paper bag in his hand while he passed me. he led the way to my room, pushing my door open and making himself comfortable on my bed.

“i was thinking we do a movie night?” he asked hopefully, emptying the bag of its contents; an array of different candies, snacks, and a drink for each of us.

whenever matt and i had a disagreement, our way of calling a truce was to have a movie night. we would take the time to talk it out and end off the night with cuddles and a movie.

“sounds perfect” i told him, grabbing the remote and moving to sit across from him. i passed him the remote when i felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. i pulled it out, opening it to see a text from the guy i’ve been talking to for the past week.

dylan 🤠

hey beautiful ;)

what are you up to ??

y/n ⭐️

abt to watch a movie with matt !!

“what movie should we watch?” matt asked, but i was barely able to register his words as i read the next text.

dylan 🤠

matt is your best friend right ?? i thought he wasn’t talking to you ??

y/n ⭐️

yeah movie nights are kinda like our way of calling a truce yk ??

dylan 🤠

ohhh i get u

y/n ⭐️

wbu ??

dylan 🤠

oh yk just texting this girl rn

a lil nervous tho ngl, she’s drop dead gorgeous

wayyyy out of my league

“hellooo? you gonna sit there and text all night or are we ever gonna talk?” matt’s annoyed voice pulled my attention away from my phone.

“hold on, i’m talking to someone right now. just give me a sec” i spoke, looking back down to my phone.

y/n ⭐️

who could you possibly be talking about 🤨

dylan 🤠

your mom :)

y/n ⭐️

that wasn’t funny

dylan 🤠

i laughed

y/n ⭐️

well that makes one of us

i watched as the three dots moved on the screen, before my phone was roughly pulled out of my hand. “what the fuck, matt ? give it back” i yelled as he moved it out of my reach.

i quickly moved over to him, climbing over his body to reach for the phone. he was quick to throw my phone onto my carpeted floor, grabbing my wrists before i could move to get it.

“who was that?” he asked, looking up at me. “none of your damn business” i answered. “considering you’re too busy looking down at your phone to talk to me, i’d say it is”

i let out a dry chuckle at that, “now you wanna talk ? that’s new. usually you just bottle up your feelings and throw a hissy fit instead of telling me what the issue is” i spoke, glaring down at him. my phone vibrated on its spot in the floor, but i ignored it.

“why are you trying to pick a fight?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed. “i’m not, this is what it looks like when you act like an adult and talk about things. i know that might be a little foreign to you” i jeered, his face dropping at the comment.

when i heard my phone vibrate again, i went to go pick it up, but was stopped as matt’s hands gripped onto my waist firmly, pulling me down onto his lap.

“look, i obviously hurt you and i’m really sorry for that-” he started, stopping as my phone continued to vibrate on the floor. “who the hell is blowing up your phone like that?” he started, starting to become annoyed again.

“it’s no one” i answered.

“who is it?” he posed his words as a question, but it sounded more like an order.

“nobody”

“why are you lying?” he asked, receiving a sigh from me. he just wasn’t gonna let it go.

“it’s just this guy i’m talking to” i answered. before i could even process what was happening, matt had flipped us over so that he was the one one top.

“what’s his name?” matt asked, his hands tightly clenching the sheets on either side of my head. my eyes trailed down to his tatted arm, watching as it flexed when he shifted his weight onto it.

“his name doesn’t matter” i answered, willing myself to look anywhere but at his lips. it was tempting, the short distance between us making it hard to focus on anything else.

“is there anything you can tell me about him?” matt asked.

“yeah. he’s not confused.” i answered without thinking, the words slipping out before i could stop them. “he’s made his feelings for me clear” i finished.

“his feelings? he’s only known you for…what, a week?” he asked, tilting his head at me. “he knows what he wants matt” i shrugged, “do you?” i asked.

the question seemed to catch him off guard, as he didn’t utter a word. instead, his eyes dropped down to my lips for a split second, jumping back to my own eyes quickly.

“don’t do that” i stopped him, “don’t look at me like you want to kiss me. we both know you don’t” i told him, turning my head away from him.

he was quick to place his hand on my cheek, moving my face so i was looking at him while he spoke. “why would you think that?” he asked, his eyes softening.

“why would you keep running away from me if you did?” i asked, trying my best not to show how hurt i actually was. i blinked back the tears i felt beginning to form, taking a deep breath.

matt picked up on my shift in mood, immediately moving to sit next to me. “fuck, i’m sorry. i’m sorry” he whispered repeatedly, pulling me into a hug. “it’s not on purpose, i swear. and it’s definitely not your fault, the last thing i ever wanted was to hurt you” i cried silently in his arms, his hands squeezing my waist tightly.

he pulled away to look at me, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. “is there something wrong with me?” i asked, needing an answer to the question i’d been asking myself constantly throughout the week. why? why was he avoiding me like the plague? what did i do to deserve this?

“of course not. this is my fault, it’s not you. i’m just confused and i have no clue what to do. i don’t know what i want, and i didn’t know how to deal with-” he stopped abruptly, like he was about to slip up and say something he didn’t want me to hear.

“i just didn’t want to hurt you while i was figuring out my shit, so i distanced myself from you. i know it was wrong, but i didn’t know what to do. and then i realized you were talking to someone and it just made me so mad, but i shouldn’t have taken it out on you”

“you’re jealous? matt, it’s not like he’s replacing you. he’s just a new friend” i pointed out. “i’m right here, i’m still your best friend. and you can always talk to me about anything. you know that, right?” i asked.

“yeah, i know. but are you sure you’re just friends? you said he has feelings for you” matt spoke, looking down as he spoke the last sentence. “is he the only one?” i asked bluntly, tired of beating around the bush.

matt’s head snapped up at the call-out, his lips turning upwards into a small smile. “i-” he was cut off by his phone ringing in his pocket. he looked like he wanted to continue, but i stopped him, “just answer it, it’s ok” i nodded to him, watching him pull it out.

“it’s chris” he sighed out, before hitting the answer button. while he spoke to chris, i heard my own phone vibrate on the ground. i glanced over to matt, who was fully engrossed in his conversation, before grabbing it off of the floor.

i opened it to several unopened texts from dylan, but the last one is what stood out to me;

dylan 🤠

hey, you home? i’m at your door ;)

what the fuck? he knew i was home, i told him that matt and i were having a movie night.

i glanced over to matt, as he hung up the phone. “he was just asking if i wanted anything from target” he informed me, putting his phone down.

he noticed my widened eyes, his face filling with concern, “what’s wrong?” he asked, walking towards me and placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

“um, my….uh-” i was cut off by the sound of the doorbell ringing. “here, i’ll get it for you” he spoke, walking out of the room before i could stop him.

“wait, matt-” i started, a few feet behind him. by the time i caught up to him, the door was already open, matt and dylan were face-to-face with each other.

“hey, i’m dylan. you must be matt” he almost seemed amused at matt’s confused face.

“hey, baby” he spoke to me, earning a cold stare from matt as he realized who the man in front of him was. his jaw was clenched tightly as he turned his gaze to me, his eyebrows raised.

shit.

hehehe

masterlist

tag list: @lustfulslxt @flowerxbunnie @sturnssx @mattslolita @its-jennarose @sophssturn @bernardsleftbootycheek @queen161718 @cupidsword @imwetforyourmom @nickmillersn1gf @mattsneezing @chrisstankyleg @sturniolobltch @bethsturn @bernardenjoyer @mbbsgf @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @ssturniolo @blueeyedbesson @mxqdii @sturniolowhore @readerakayourname @defnotayonna @urmom2bitch @rootbeerworshiper @starsturniolo @hearts4chriss @theyluv-meee @carolinalikesthings @itzdarling @chrisstopherfilmed @judespoision @sstvrnioloo @littlebookworm803 @nicksdrpepper @chrisloyalgf @robins-scoop @fandomhopped @chr1sgirl4life @bbglmfao @55sturn @nickgetsmewetter @meg-sturniolo @yamamasjumpercables @vanteguccir @ineedchriscock @junnniiieee07 @breeloveschris @luverboychris

[042502]

☆༉ — CHRIS STURNIOLO. The unwritten rule.

about. Everyone knows the rule, don't fall in love with your best friend's boyfriend.

author's note: This is the Chapter 3, I hope it sounds interesting to you. My first language is not English, you will read this under this warning. m.list

All the long way home because I don't want to be thinking about Chris and Anna when I get there. I don't want to play "what if..." like I've been doing more than half of the time. I want to be happy for Anna and nothing else.

But when I get home, Chris's car is in the driveway. I stop next to him, my stomach twisting as my stupid, traitorous heart fluttered in my chest, making me dizzy.

He looked at the porch and saw my father, Anna and Chris sitting there, all three partially illuminated by the large frosted glass sphere that my mother won as second place runner-up in the best homes competition and mezzanine super porch lifestyles for dining. She made mini meat loaves with honey mustard glaze and honey butter chili corn cakes. Number of times I ate it for dinner: About sixty. It was good: The first forty times. The last twenty were quite difficult, but my mother likes to know her recipes inside and out.

I look at Chris and Anna, I made myself see them, and my heart stopped fluttering because that's how things are. This is the reality.

But why are they here?

"Hello Ada" it was my father, standing up and hugging me like I was six and not seventeen. Sigh, But I hug him back, he replied that he should not shudder because of his bad hip.

"Why are you out here?" he asked him, and then looked at Anna. “How did you get there before me?” Anna rolls her eyes.

"You drive like an old man, Ada" He quickly looked at my father. "No offense."

"No way" ruffled her hair. I hate when he does it to me, because it reminds me that my hair is not as shiny or looks as good, but it looks like someone has been messing up his hair all the time. Anna likes it, although she always has it, and cuts him off with a sheepish smile before turning to Chris and curling an arm around his shoulders.

"Anyway" Anna speaks. “We are here to kidnap you. It's Friday night and my best friend can't sit at home alone. I mean, you do it all the time!”

I try not to flinch at everything but I do. Chris is right, but it still hurts and after that my father adds: "Ada, you don't have to stay home until one, you know? and, besides, There's no need to waste time at home tonight," he gave me a smile. Not unless you want to listen to my class on jurisprudence. Or remind me of my arthritis pills, your mother has already done it twice before I even tell her I took them.

My father is great for a father, He was fifty when I was born and retired from practicing law seven years ago and now teaches part-time at the University of Estados Unidos. He likes a lot, But I know you miss being a lawyer. You have rheumatic arthritis, which means that your immune system attacks your joints, or, as you always remind me, the joint tissues. I don't see the distinction. All I know is that it sucks and it hurts. It ended up being so bad that I can't work full time anymore, and I had to quit.

I know what it means that my mother is asking about her pills and I look at him.

"How's your hip?"

"Still connected to my body” responds with a smile, and he looks down at the sneakers I'm wearing because I know he's hurting and I wish there was something I could do. For him. But I can not.

The sneakers I'm wearing are one of my favorite pairs: Bright pink, with the lining and tongue with a black and white skull print, black stitching and soles with bright pink laces.

Seeing them didn't make me feel better.

The thing about my father leaving the law firm years ago meant that his arthritis became an occasional thing, sometimes he would have horrible attacks, and then he would go away and feel fine in pain quite often. His hip was actually dislocated last year, and although that was fixed, his hip bone is still eroded.

I don't like to think about it too much. It is frightening to think that your bones are being run by your own body. It's terrible to think about how sick your father is and how much worse he could get.

I don't want that to happen. I like having my father and mother at home all the time. around all the time. Actually, it's been my mother's home for as long as I can remember... She has a PhD in medieval history, but gave up trying to find a job after post-doctoral positions that went nowhere, and discovered cooking and then competitions.

Basically I spent a lot of time with my parents, but the fact is that I like them. I like them. I wouldn't trade my parents for anything, so I'm worried about my dad, whose arthritis isn't getting better, or even staying the same, despite his pills. He went from walking five miles a day to three or less. And on really bad days, he doesn't walk at all.

"So" Anna spoke this time, waving a hand in front of my eyes. "Like he said, we're kidnapping you. Chris, quick! Grab her and let's go!"

I move, standing up so Chris won't feel like he has to touch me. I try not to look at him while I do it, but I can't help it and I see that he is looking at me.

I swallow and my father laughs.

"Ada, I don't think Chris will hurt you. In fact, I’m not sure he can lift you.”

"Thank you, dad," I give him a look..

"No, no, I didn't mean... Well, You are thin. Ada, you know, I mean Chris is very big.... Not that I'm not capable, I'm sure, Chris. But you don’t seem like the guy who runs to catch up.” He cleared his throat. “Well, why don't I come in and see if your mother needs help?”

"Dad" She named him, embarrassed and worried about him, but when I went to open the door, she shook her head at me and said: “Go on, go and have fun.”

"Make sure you take the pills” Anna reminds him, and my father smiled.

"Yes, I'll really take my medicine." He ran his hand through his hair before entering.

"He is cute" Anna comments as she takes my hand. “Now come on, Ada, bring your little ass to the game.”

"I am not small" Anna looked as she pushed me towards Chris's car. “I have… Small bones.”

Which meant she didn't have breasts, had no butt and usually the body of a twelve year old girl, even the fact that my foot was small.

What would be cool if I was twelve, but it's not okay when you're seventeen and your best friend has the type of body that guys will do things like stop or look at her even if she's with another girl.

"You're little," Chris spoke from behind me.

"Which is why you should get a new car” again Anna. “I mean, Ada still doesn't even take up half a seat.” He smiled at me as I got into the back seat. “Look, she could practically fit into a baby seat. A new, smaller car might be more comfortable for her.”

"Yes, the captain is drifting back," I spoke while putting on my seat belt.

"What? There are no more girls on board?" I looked at Chris, his smile disappeared before he got into the front seat, and I know he was on the class trip we took last year, when we both got seasick and went back and forth into shared misery lane.

I blushed, with satisfaction and fear.

"You two are weird" he looked at us both. "But I still like them" Anna finished with a smile.

"Thank you" Chris and I spoke at the same time, Anna laughs and then walked over to Chris to kiss his neck.

I rested my hands on my knees and looked at them, and saw the little lights that appear when we drive.

"Okay, get away from me," Anna spoke, annoyed.

"I'm not... I'm driving." Chris gave him a short serious look.

"Can't you take a second and kiss me?" I was demanding him. Was she really complaining about this?

"No, I mean," he sighs, I think he tries to keep his patience. “I'm driving and this car is, you know.”

He looked at my hands. Just as I didn't like being around Chris and Anna when they were kissing, This was much worse than that. And the reality is that these tense moments are more common than kisses, they have been for a long time in fact.

"Ok, you're driving" I noticed how forced his attempt to sound happy was. “Can you at least think about ordering a better one?”

"I like my car" here they go again.

"It is not yours."

"It's mine" I admit that seeing Chris upset is not easy, but for some strange reason Anna had a knack for making him angry easily.

“Ada doesn’t even have a car, so the car can’t be who you are,” he turns to look at me. “Right, Adi?”

"Well, my mom is supposed to be getting it somewhere," I felt the tension. “So that would make it orange and jagged, I don't know.”

Anna looked at me for a few minutes, and I could tell she was angry because I didn't agree with her. I leaned forward to try to do something, say something, but she didn't seem to want to hear what I had to say so she turned on music.

He found a song he liked and turned the volume up to maximum, making the car windows move from the vibration, we couldn't even talk to the music.

The party is in someone's basement, one of those things hey we did this so you guys don't destroy the house. It's one of those gadgets you might want, but of course no one cares because everyone is too busy dancing or wasting time with the croquet game someone found and installed.

Anna walks straight to the dance floor, Chris and I end up playing croquet for a bit. I make sure I'm not standing next to him, because well... Because I am.

Rob comes to me while I'm done and I feel my millionth turn and I'm waiting to go again.

"Hello."

"Hello, Rob" I saw him smiling. He really looks good, and he smells... Well, he smells like aftershave. My father's aftershave.

"You look great" just looking at Anna while he says this, and I have to say, Although it's strange to be complicated by a boy who smells like my father, I actually feel a little bad for Rob. Anna was with him for about a week last year, then she decided she didn't want to continue.

He did not do it. Most of Anna's boys don't. I mean, I don't walk behind her at school or something, but you know, Even when they are with someone else, if she were interested again, they would have been running back. She has this way of doing things, that the boy loves her more than she loves him, the boys love her forever and it is allowed to think about her even when she has gone out with someone else.

"So, do you want to sit down or something?" Rob spoke, and I shrugged, dropping my gavel.

We are going to sit on the lawn chairs that have been placed in a semicircle around the edge of the croquet set up. At first glance, he is nervous, but then he asked him about his band, I remember Anna complaining about this one, and pretty soon he stops complaining and lets go. I like music, although I'm not sure Rob would necessarily qualify as that.

I like the name though. He told me he'd give me a t-shirt when I told him that, and then he started telling me about his ironic cover of a song about some boy band I remember loving when I was in first grade.

"So, how has Anna been?" He says, and looked at him, trying not to look at her. Poor boy.

"She's fine," I say, and bump Rob with my elbow. “She always liked your band.”

"Really?"

I nod and smiled at that, wide and very happy because I've seen him smile the entire time he's been with me. He looked around and found Leila looking at him.

"Do you know who else really likes your band?" He smiles. “Leila.”

"To her?"

"Yup. You know, you should go talk to him about that song." said. “She loved her.” she will do it. Leila only wears t-shirts from the nineties, And if anyone else would love to hear about an ironic boy band cover, it's her. Plus, it's obvious that she thinks Rob is cute.

"No," Rob tells me, but he's looking at Leila now, and she gives him a shy giggle. I see him look at me and then he smiles back.

"Hey, I'm going to grab a drink," he pointed to a round place. “See you around?”

"Yes," he answers.

And while I'm looking for a beer, but I have to settle for a Pepsi I see him sit near her. She looks really happy and he's not even looking at Anna. Well, once, but only for seconds.

"So, Rob and Leila?" It was Chris, she looked at him alarmed.

"So it seems" I take a sip of my Pepsi before stopping to look at him. “She always liked hearing about her band.”

""I thought he liked you." I force a laugh.

"No, he just likes to talk about... We just talk sometimes" he almost mentioned Anna.

"Do you always find girls for the boys who still like Anna?"

She watched him to see if he looks jealous or angry about Rob liking Anna. He didn't sound like that, and he doesn't look angry at all. He is smiling and looking at me.

"I don't..." I say, and then my voice trails off, because he's raised his eyebrow and I'm just... I just want to lean into him. Now, here, in front of everyone. I confronted my best friend. “You should go dancing with Anna.” I say, and move a little away from him, wrapping my trembling hands around my Pepsi.

"Who can?" say, ignoring the last part of what he says because I have to. I can't think of him dancing. I just can not. The mention of that boat ride last year was enough to keep me wanting and not wanting. Do not do that. I look at Anna swaying her hips, smiling at me as she tosses her hair back and sways her hips, something that I could practice in my room for thousands of hours and never master, and added. “Besides, Anna doesn't care. “She likes it, she likes everything about you.”

"Except my car," he says.

"Well, except that."

"And my hair."

I laugh, sure he's joking, but he's not laughing either, and I turned around in a sort of cough and took another sip of soda.

"What's wrong with your hair?" I know I should drag him over to Anna and watch her move her hands around him, but that's what comes out instead. And she can't really not like her hair. No?

"She says it's too long," he says, running his hand through his hair.

"Oh" I say, because I can't touch his hair or say I think he looks cool because I'm best friends and he's her boyfriend. I don't know why Anna asked me to come to her house and watch that movie with them or bring me to this party, But I know I want to go home and not think about how much I want Chris and I was standing here talking about something real instead of him and Anna.

"I'm very tired," I say. “I should probably go.” And I try to fake a believable yawn and avoid shaking my Pepsi.

"Wait, I'll go tell Anna" I should have said I had to go talk to someone and get a ride with them. I don't want to go with Anna and Chris, I don't want to sit in the car with them, I don't want to see them.

"Ada, do you want to go?" asks me, Coming after me and throwing his surroundings away from me. Even sweating, She looks beautiful. "Because?"

I can't say: "Because I want to throw myself at your boyfriend and also, it's exhausting to want and feel guilty about that at the same time" so I'm just saying: "I'm tired. I'm sorry, I'm exhausted."

"Just hang out with us for a little while longer, okay?"

There's something in her voice and I look at her, but she's turning her face and watching everyone dance.

"I can't. I'm going to find someone and take a walk, still call me tomorrow" I bump my hip against hers.

"I'll take you home" Chris speaks to which I look at him surprised. He has his hands stuffed in his pockets, his face a little flushed.

"Yes, go with Chris" Anna hugged me. “Ask him why he doesn't want to spend time with me,” he whispers as he puts his hands around me. “He doesn't even care that I'm dancing with guys I used to date, and at first this no jealousy thing was great, but now it's... I don't know. Also tell him to cut his hair.”

She returns to the group of people who are dancing, turning to Chris before she turns to one of her exes, Chris looks very happy to see her.

I turn to Chris, ready to tell him that he doesn't need to worry about me, that I'll be able to find a ride home and that he should spend time with Anna, but he's not seeing her. She's right, he's not jealous. That's never happened before.

"Ready to go?" I nod, confused and somewhat... Another thing. Things I shouldn't be feeling. But I feel them anyway.

જ⁀➴ taglist. @l34n @jetaimevous @jnkvivi @loveyoumatthewbernard @d1tzy-bl0nde @laxbabe131147 @slut4chriss @dontellaf1lms @surniolozzzprincess @sturnlova @inlovewithchriss @whicked-hazlatwhore @mattsgirlsblog @nsjsnshey @always-reading

Author's note: If you want to be part of the taglist leave a comment below and I will add you. Thanks for reading, remember to like, share with your friends and leave a nice comment ^^

[cerise-on-top]

Rudy with a jealous s/o? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED THISS

Hello! Here you go!

Rodolfo with a Jealous!S/O

The moment he sees you’re jealous he’ll chuckle a bit but also be a bit worried. It’s nice to see that you like his attention enough to want it most of the time, but would he really be able to calm you down from your frenzy? He most likely could, but the worry is still there. At first he’d be a bit apprehensive about approaching you, especially if you’re being snappish and keep hinting at you being mad at him for spending time with someone that wasn’t you. If this doesn’t happen very often he wouldn’t know what to do, but if you’re a very jealous person and it keeps happening then he’ll have a talk with you. It’s not particularly fair to him that you always snap at him whenever he spends time with his teammates or friends, so he’ll sit you down and discuss your behavior and how you can both improve yourselves. Communication is very important to him.

If you don’t get jealous as often, then he’ll approach you after a bit and ask you what’s wrong. It’s up to you whether or not you honestly respond to him, but he’d much prefer you being upfront and honest with him. He won’t really know too well what to do if you just keep lying to him, pretending that you’re alright. Rodolfo will, however, take you to a secluded place if you’re out somewhere together and just talk to you. While he may not be the biggest fan of PDA, he would give you a small kiss, either on your lips or your cheeks, maybe even a hug if you’re especially mad, and apologize to you. He knows it likely isn’t his fault, but maybe an apology could calm you down. If it’s late and he’s been with his friends for a while now anyway then he could make time to just leave, especially if nothing important is going on anymore and the main events and conversation topics are over. However, if he has to stay for a bit longer, then he’ll apologize again, but promises you that you’ll be going back home soon enough.

Once you’re back home all of his attention is on you, if you want that. If you prefer to be left alone then he will let you be, but will check up on you once every hour and ask if you’re doing alright. But if you don’t want that then he’s more than happy to talk with you, or spend time with you in general. You wanna cuddle? Play a video game? Bake some cookies? He’s not opposed to any of those things. Because, truth be told, you being mad but quiet sort of scares him. He has to deal with loud, angry soldiers almost on a daily basis, so he knows how to put someone in their place if they’re being openly aggressive. Therefore you being so quiet is very worrisome and he’ll be on edge this entire time. As soon as you laugh again he knows he did something right, though. That’s the goal: To get you to calm down and smile, maybe laugh even. But he knows that, at the very least, it will likely be over by the time you both wake up again in the morning. If he can, then he’ll spend the next day with you. Or at least as much of it as he can.

[flowercrowngods]

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

[qumiiiquinnquin]

ill never be good enough at anything

[mainfaggot]

oh also shes straight

[jeezypetes]

Ahhhh the job I thought i didn’t get bc they never got back to me after my interview (which I thought went really well) just reached out to me bc apparently the person they tried to hire backed out.,.. and now its gonna be like another month of wondering if I’m gonna have to decide if I want to move to another state where I don’t know anyone. And i was kind of relieved when i never heard back bc I’m really happy here with my family and gf and friends but the fact is my job here is a contract with very slim hopes of developing into a real job with benefits and i live with my parents bc i love them and our house and our town but i know i have to seriously consider this opportunity bc it would be a good career move and i want to live a rich and interesting life. But I don’t want to talk about it with anyone irl because my dad has covid which has been my number 1 fear since the start of the pandemic (he’s 71 and immunocompromised but he’s doing well and not needed the hospital) and I just want to be able to only worry about that I can’t even talk about the job thing which i drove myself and everyone around me crazy with already back in October. Which is why I’m just posting it vjfdhk I’m being tormented by forces beyond my control i feel like this is the sort of thing it would be really helpful to believe in God about

[dexaroth]

i know its unrealistic and nonsense to feel bad bc im not as good as i could be within a hobby bc a hobby is supposed to be fun and occupy your time but i cant for the life of me not feel guilty about not drawing and not improving

like.. i have most of the resources. i often have the time. i have almost a thousand pictures in my reference folder to be used to practice and learn. i have an internet connection to be inspired and learn from those better than me and yet... i just don't feel like drawing. and i mean drawing something grand.. not just the dozens of doodles and oc refsheets i keep churning.. i want to do standalone pieces like i used to and look at them fondly and feel proud of something. but i just dont have the flame to do it for months and months on end

i mean obviously this is much more likely to happen when it has been your primary hobby for over like 7 years contrary to, say, webpage coding which i just started to learn like a year ago. what's keeping me from wanting to draw though? its so frustrating to know you Have the Potential to be a good artist and knowing How you could become more but just.. not feeling like it. and telling urself im gonna draw tomorrow and tomorrow comes and its one of those days you'd rather stare at a wall the whole afternoon and it just keeps going and going and you stay stumped

[yeslordmyking]

I'm so lonely and bored, but the company I want and the hobbies I want to engage in aren't holy, and I don't want to have to repent for doing what I like. I hope the changes my heart need to make come soon and with as little pain as possible.

Put on the new self. Even if you have no idea how not to be the old self anymore..

[nieloxychen]

not to have a moment in another posts tags so im venting in my own tags <3

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

is it depression or is my appetite gone cause I'm preemptively preparing for when Val gives up on any progress & his relationship for real n starts givin me shit about my weight again

[bmpmp3]

speaking of genbu's "serious" sounding tone in his voicebank, i think that might be why he was such a dead ringer for teto pre-synthv-bank-release with just a couple little gender parameter tweaks. wait do my followers know this. sorry i know most of my vocal synthesizer talk is genuinely gibberish to my beloved and loyal long time followers but do you guys know this. for a few years, people had discovered that since utau teto and genbu have this similar strong enunciation and dark sounding tone plus teto can have a bit of a tomboyish edge to her voice anyway -> if u mess with some parameters and phonemes he'll sound close enough to her, so it became a bit of running gag in the community, along with just being a genuine and novel use case for his voicebank. actually recently i found out about someone who made a couple of synthv scripts to set genbus voice to his falsetto pitch and set the tension to drop during each syllable automatically to make him sound like the utau sora amaha. genbu's purpose is to impersonate other vocal synthesizers

[backtodecembertv]

the most boring part of growing up is getting over your pointless, agonizing crushes because you realize they’re not worth it instead of pining indefinitely. like it’s obviously a good thing, but it also feels like a loss of innocence to realize that having feelings for someone doesn’t have to mean anything or go anywhere. i’m not tied to this person and i don’t have to sacrifice everything trying to make it work and trying to be okay with what they can give me. i can just find someone else

[stinkbeck]

try to calm down and have a good time but then it’s like shit goes downhill sooo fast if i’m not overthinking everything. like UGH look what my trust has gotten me! god i hate relying on people.

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[goththembo]

Hard to make arguments for the parentals at this point like metronoming btwn staying a part of their lives and just disappearing to as physically far away from them as possible when i move out