#i was hoping wishing praying for just one photo together

[wahgifs]

LEE FELIX and DEW JIRAWAT AT THE LV CRUISE 2024 SHOW ☆

[angelbwrry]

camera shy! choso k. 519.

cw 𐙚 twitch streamer! choso, sex on camera, explicit language, cervix kissing , black reader, drabble . . . in which choso buries his cock inside of you on live . . . minors not welcome.

you were never fond of being on camera, you didn’t really have a reason—you just hated having your photo taken or being video captured. ironically enough, your boyfriend was a popular twitch streamer who was always showing you off to his fans. you had to admit, it did boost your confidence whenever you read the comments: “you’re so pretty,” “how did he bag you,” “smash,” and an array of things that always seemed to make you giggle.

choso liked seeing you smile, he never understood why you hated capturing your beautiful essence. you’d probably beat him up if you saw the pictures he took when you weren’t looking—from you asleep with drool trickling from your mouth to your round ass peeking from underneath one of his shirts as you cooked breakfast. he cherished those candid moments, the ones where you were just being yourself, unfiltered and real.

"so today! i will be streaming with my beautifulll girlfriend,𐙚. everyone clap it up for her, she’s a bit camera shy!” a tight-lipped smile forms on your face as you straddle choso, trying not to focus too much on the camera lest you freak yourself out. choso does his usual routine, replying to comments, catching his followers up on his life. how can he be so damn casual with his cock lodged into you? your lip is practically quivering as you feel the thick girth of him stretching you out.

“someone asked how your day was, baby,” choso murmurs, one hand under the desk making sure you don’t try to squirm away. “ugh—um, my day was good—” your words falter for a second when you feel his twitching tip kiss your cervix. you want to cry out, but according to his stream there’s fifteen thousand people in here watching. “i did a lot of errands and yeah—it was uh good.” you stammer, your pussy is leaking all over choso's lap, and you hope to god the gush as he lifts his hips isn’t audible to his fans.

choso grins, clearly enjoying your struggle to keep it together. he continues to chat with his followers, his voice steady and calm, as if he isn't buried deep inside you. every so often, he gives a subtle thrust, making it harder for you to maintain your composure. you bite your lip, trying to suppress the moans threatening to escape.

“another question, babe. someone wants to know what your favorite part of the day was.” his voice is teasing, and you know he’s doing this on purpose. “uh, spending time with you,” you manage to say, your voice shaky. choso chuckles softly, clearly pleased with your answer.

the minutes drag on, each one feeling like an eternity as you try to keep up appearances. choso’s hand under the desk squeezes your thigh reassuringly, a silent promise that this will be over soon. but for now, you’re trapped in this torturous game, praying that none of his fans can see just how much you’re struggling to hold it together.

useriluvanime6393: is he fucking her?

urmomishot777: o wow, he’s definitely fucking her

melanie9083: wish that was me :(

[nourfamily1989]

Thank you very much from the bottom of my heart ♥🌹♥🇵🇸🇵🇸

To all our kind supporters: Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. Together we raised $25,000.

I was blown away by the power of community effort and love. I would like to share a personal message to my dear friends who support us. We are the Nour family.

There are no words to express how grateful my family and I are to all of you. We are a family of 7 members, me, my husband, and my children, Muhammad, Bahaa, Amira, and Bahaa. When we launched this fundraiser, I never imagined it would receive so much love, generosity and compassion.

I was honestly starting to lose hope and wondered if our innocent children would ever find safety again; I was preparing for the worst. Your unwavering support has made me and my family feel hopeful again.

My single greatest wish is that by the time the Rafah crossing reopens, I will have collected the funds needed to evacuate my family.

Individuals pay huge amounts of $5,000 to $10,000 per person to evacuate, but every small donation can make a big difference.

We send our deepest gratitude once again to everyone who donated, shared our story, both, or even prayed for us. Thanks to you, we reached $25,000 out of $90,000 within days.

Your contributions have made a huge difference, but we still have a long way to go before we reach our goal. Please continue to support us and share our story so that my family can survive this brutal and relentless slaughter of our people and not just be numbers on your phone screens.

I know that donations are not easy in these times, but I believe that every contribution has the potential to change someone's life. That is why I participate in this campaign with all my faith, not only to save them, but also to protect their dreams and help them get out of Gaza. .

My family has lost all their livelihoods due to this war, and we continue to cling to life. We are currently living in miserable conditions - my young children (whose photos I shared) are crying due to the lack of basic food.

We always try hard to make a living while hunger and thirst try to kill us.

Every day the scene continues to be filled with depression, sadness, fear and terror.

The siege imposed on us and the genocide that is haunting us and all kinds of torment and suffering and the spread of diseases.

All of this and more kills life in Gaza and kills our existence.

Our life has turned into an endless nightmare amidst hopes hanging by a thread. We are suffering now and no longer.

We know what tomorrow holds for us, and we do not know when this war will end because we have lost everything beautiful and we are about to lose more.

We face harsh conditions and a dark future for our lives, displacement, poverty and pain, but there is a glimmer of hope.

We will not forget how you stood by us in the darkest times in our lives.

Thanks to each and every one of you, safety is no longer a distant dream, things will never be the same, but knowing that there are brave souls out there who will always stand by our side is what prevents us from completely surrendering to despair.

With your help and generous donations, we can leave Gaza, build a new life and rise from the rubble.

Thank you all

You can share the link and donate

https://gofund.me/d242b4e2

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[gunilslaugh]

Why Can't I Have You?

Kwak Jiseok Summary: With each reincarnation Jiseok hopes that things will be different, but it never is. You’re never his. (non-idol au) WC:~1.5k Warning: angst, mentions of alcohol 

photo not mine credits to owner.

Jiseok longingly stared from the window at you and his brother sitting together at the pavilion. He watches as you laugh at whatever his brother said, putting your hand on his shoulder as you laugh. He can hear your laughter ring through his ears.

“Jiseok no that must’ve been so embarrassing.” You laugh, placing your hand on his shoulder. He told you about his fifteenth birthday ball and how he made his grand entrance by falling down the stairs. 

A sparkle radiating off of your ring finger breaks him out of his delusion. He deeply sighs as he is faced with reality once again. You were in love with his older brother and you were marrying him. 

“Jiseok, are you ready to be my best man?” his brother asked him with a bright smile.

“What?” Jiseok has a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“I proposed to  princess y/n.” 

“I said yes.” You lifted your hand, displaying the shine stone resting on your finger. Every glisten that reflected off the stone stabbed right into Jiseok’s heart. Everyone else was celebrating the news while Jiseok felt his heart cracking into pieces. 

The sparkles that emit from your ring continue to stab Jiseok’s heart. Serving as a very harsh reminder that you aren’t his. You never were, but Jiseok always prayed that maybe one day you could be. He knew that you’d never leave his brother, but he selfishly fantasized about you leaving him. He filled his mind with delusions where you loved him instead. He never really envied his older brother. Not until you at least, because he desperately wishes that you were his. 

Jiseok comes to the conclusion that he hates rings. Staring at the box in his hand containing yours and his brothers’ wedding rings. 

“Prince Jiseok, do you take Princess Y/n to be your lawfully wedded wife?” the officiant asked.

“I do.” He smiled the brightest he had in his entire life. 

“Princess y/n do you take Prince Jiseok-” 

A loud knocking on the door breaks Jiseok's delusion. 

“Prince Jiseok, the wedding is starting soon. You are needed in the main hall,” a servant informs. Once again Jiseok looks at the rings in the box and his heart cracks.

“May the best man please present the rings now,” the officiant says. Jiseok swallows his emotions, heading up to the altar and giving you two the rings. Each centimeter his brother slides the ring onto your finger breaks Jiseok’s heart into another piece. He can’t even watch you slide the ring onto his brother’s finger.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife.” Jiseok can’t hold his tears, watching you and his brother walk out of the room as a now married couple. He lost you. You could never be his. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey I’m y/n, the new hire,” you introduce yourself.

“I-I’m Jiseok,” he introduced himself back with a smile. You were back. His smile grew brighter when he took a peek down to your ring finger and found that it was empty. Maybe in this life he would have a chance. 

“So do you have a boyfriend?” Jiseok asked you in the elevator. 

“Why? Are you interested?” you questioned back playfully. 

“If I am?” he challenged. 

“I don’t, but I’m not looking for one either. I’m focusing on my career right now. I don’t have time for love,” you tell him. Jiseok’s heart drops.

“That’s ok. I’m very patient.” He wasn’t going to let this little setback stop him. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Jiseok excuses himself and leaves you with a wink.

“Brian from I.T. asked me out,” you tell Jiseok. The two of you are having dinner together. Jiseok almost choked on his drink at the news.

“So have another guy to add to your rejected list,” Jiseok jokes. 

“I said yes actually,” Jiseok actually chokes this time. 

“But you said you were focusing on your career,” he managed out after a few coughs. 

“I was, I am. It’s just… I don’t know. When I’m with him things feel right. After talking with him I realized that love doesn’t have a right time. You just gotta give it a chance.” 

“And you wanna give it a chance with him?” Jiseok feels his heart start to crack. What about him made you not want to give love a chance?

“Sorry Jiseok. I know that you like me and I appreciate it, but-” 

“If you don’t like me then you don’t like me. You don’t have to stress about it. I hope you and Brian work out.” He swallows down his pain to give you a smile. 

“Thanks, I’m really glad to have you as a friend.” Jiseok learned how painful the word friend could be as it stabbed him in his heart. At least in this life you knew how he felt about you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Let’s play truth or dare,” Jooyeon suggested during the hangout you all were having. 

“Truth or dare seriously? What are we still in high school?” Seungmin mocked. 

“Ok fine, Truth or drink.” Jooyeon holds up a beer bottle. 

“Y/n, a little birdy once told me you had a crush on my friend Jiseok here,” Gunil patted Jiseok’s shoulder. “Is that true little sis?” he arched his brow. 

“I was fourteen and he was pretty. Yes, I had a crush on him, but not anymore” you answered. A wave of emotions crashed over Jiseok. The girl he had been in love with centuries. The girl he always longed to have just admitted that they liked him…but not anymore. His heart strings felt like they had been harshly tugged on.

“Hello? Jiseok?” Jungsu called him. 

“Hmm what? I wasn’t listening,” he said. 

“I asked if it was true that you fell down the stairs at your fifteenth birthday party?”

“How do you know about that? That was two lives ago,” Jiseok asked. 

“Two lives ago? Dude are you drunk already?” Hyeongjun says. 

“Haven’t you guys heard Jiseok talk about his past lives before? He always talks about how there’s this girl who he’s madly in love with, but he can never have her,” Gunil states. 

“Who’s the girl?” Jooyeon asked jokingly. 

“Y/n.” Jiseok pointed at you. Shocked looks and gasps left everyone. “Two lives ago she was a princess who fell in love with and married my older brother. In my last life she was my co-worker at work and I thought I might finally have a chance with her, but no. She friendzoned me and dated our other co-worker. In other lives she was my childhood best friend who moved away before I could confess. My best friend’s girlfriend. In one we were enemies. She stabbed me with a dagger directly into my heart, but then in the life after that. She was a doctor and I was her patient. She was already married though. In another one I was a gangster loan shark and her dad was one of my debtors. Now she’s my friend’s little sister. Who used to like me, but not anymore,” he laughed. “You’re really good at injuring my heart, you know that?” Jiseok looked at you with tears glazed over his eyes and placed his hand over his heart. “Yet, no matter how many times you break it into pieces, I can’t stop loving you.” Tears fell down his face. “Why don’t you ever love me back?” he sobbed.

 No one knew what to do as they watched Jiseok break down. Over one hundred years of heartbreak came spilling out of him all at once. 

“Let’s get you to bed,” Gunil intervened, wrapping an arm around Jiseok. 

“No.” Jiseok pulled himself away from Gunil.

“What’s wrong with me? Why don’t you love me?” Jiseok approached you. 

“Jiseok,” you started. 

“You said you used to have a crush on me, so you can like me again can’t you?” he grabbed onto your hands desperately. 

“Jiseok,” you say again. 

“Please. Please. Can you please just once love me too?” he begged. 

“Jiseok, let's talk about this in the morning when you’re sober,” you said. 

“I’m not drunk. If you can’t love me in this life either it’s fine.” He hopelessly dropped your hands and sniffled. “I’ll just try again next life, I’ll keep trying until you love me back,” he states. 

“Jiseok,” you say his name again. Suddenly everything goes black for Jiseok. He falls onto the ground. “Jiseok! Jiseok!” Now you call out his name in a panic. You grab him by his shoulders trying to shake him awake.

Jiseok currently lays unconscious in a hospital bed. 

“Jiseok.” You took one of his hands and held it in between both of yours. “I lied last night when I said I didn’t like you anymore. I was embarrassed and figured you’d never like me back anyway, so I lied. The truth is I love you. I love you too, so please wake up. You’ve been waiting a long time right? All you need to do is wake up and you can finally have me.” You stood up and leaned over his body to press a kiss onto his forehead. 

Jiseok has been waiting for you for multiple lifetimes, so certainly you could wait for him to wake up.

a/n: I've been itching to write some angst hehe

taglist: @purplelady85 @gingerjunhan @chewednails @ezlynkisses @mon2sunjinsuver @mxlly143 @seungseung-minmin

comment or message me to be added!

[xoxomoonlightxoxo]

Somewhere Between Hello and Goodbye | Ch. 2: It Was All a Dream, I Promise

a/n: Writing that has been italicized + highlighted blue represents past memories or dreams, while writing that is italicized + bolded is a letter.

Months have passed since I last saw Jungkook. From the day he was discharged till now, no one has heard from him or his family. No texts, no calls. Nothing. Even his academic advisor raised concern regarding his absence, and still, there was radio silence on the other side of the line. It’s as if he never existed in the first place. He left with the cold winter and never came back to see the blooming of the spring cherry blossoms. 

Naturally, the last three months have been nothing short of torture. Day after day, night after night, I prayed to God, prayed that he would bring Koo back to me. Every morning, I would call his number just to hear his voicemail greeting, the one we crafted together during our late-night run to 7/11. 

“Hello, you've reached Jungkook’s voicemail. Please don't leave a message unless you're Mira,” Jungkook says confidently, scrunching his nose at the way my eyes widened from disbelief. 

“Koo!? You have to take this seriously. What if an employer calls you?” I exclaim, gaze softened at the sight of his bunny teeth on full display. 

“I'm sure they'll be able to tell if they're you or not,” he grins, taking a sip of his strawberry milk before pulling my chair closer to him, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. 

My eyes swell with tears reminiscing our memories. It pains me to think of the possibility that he might not even remember me. I'm not sure how long, if at all, I'd be able to last in a universe where Jungkook sees me as a stranger again. After all we've been through, man, that would hurt immensely. Nonetheless, I hold on to the hope that he is not alone. Surrounded by his loved ones, I hope Koo is resting in peace, at ease. This wish, however, has yet to overcome the aching feeling in my chest, my desire to hold him in my embrace. To be close to him once again. To tell him how much I love him. 

“Mira? Miraya, honey, can you hear me?” my mom shouts through the phone. After all this time, she has yet to learn how to properly use Facetime. 

“Mommy, I'm looking at your ear. You have to turn the camera towards you, remember?” I giggle, eyes tearing up from the mere sound of her voice. I've missed her. I've missed my family. I wasn't able to go back home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, so it's been ages since I last saw them. Nonetheless, after trial and error, mostly error, I could finally see my mother’s beautiful face which was trying its hardest to hold back the built-up sadness. 

“My love,” she whispers, worried gaze searching my scattering eyes. 

“Miraya, what's wrong?” 

“Nothing, I just missed you guys so much,” I say softly, pulling my knees to my chest as my body sits crouched on the cold kitchen floor. 

“Just one more week, honey. Your dad is so excited, you don't even know. He has packed the fridge with your favorite food, and is holding it hostage till your arrival,” she chuckles, shaking her head at my dad's behaviour. 

“One more week,” I repeat, looking up at the picture of Koo and me on the fridge. The photo booth snapshots we took at the dumpling restaurant near the Oceana beach. I wonder if he kept his word. 

“Jungkook, what the heck?” I yelp, hitting his forearm. “I can’t show these to anyone now,” I point to the last photo, in which his face remained inches away from mine as my body froze behind his Iron Man hat. Compared to the previous three takes, this one clearly did not fit the friendly theme. 

“Why not? Nothing happened,” he grins, leaning his head back. 

“Nothing happened my ass, it's obviously suggestive,” I roll my eyes. 

“Let their imagination run wild then. I'm putting mine in my wallet, you can put yours on your bulletin board, I heard manifesting is a popular practice these days,” he chuckles teasingly, giving me a sly wink.  

“Oh, by the way, I sent you some clothes for when you arrive. It’s been raining here nonstop and I wasn’t sure if you packed good rain boots,” my mom’s voice brings me out of my daydream, as I nod my head accordingly. 

“Thank you, mommy. I’ll let you know when I receive them,” 

“No, they should have already been delivered. I got the notification today,” 

“Oh, okay, then I’ll check the mailbox right after our call,” I say with a soft smile. 

“Well, I’m not gonna take up any more of your time, I’m sure you’re busy with finals. Please, just confirm that you got the package,” my mom says, sending me a flying kiss as I wave her goodbye. 

“I love you, mommy,” 

“Love you more, Mira,” 

Putting my hair in a messy bun, I grab my keys and ID before heading out the door. I did in fact pack some rainboots upon my arrival to Korea, but didn’t have the heart to tell my mom that on the phone. Her smile was too contagious for that news. Anyways, who would pass on free clothes? So, I make my way down to the mail room before scanning the area for my number, 1289. 

“Okay, oop, jeez, how big were these boots?” I huff and puff from all the heavy lifting, before stumbling back on my tippy toes. Managing to finally open the box, my eyes widen from the amount of snacks my mom packed. You know, sometimes, I think my parents think that my university doesn’t provide food. As if I beg my neighbors for a cup of sugar each night. I can’t complain though, I really do appreciate the way they show their love and care. So, yes, I will be indulging in all of these before I leave. Locking my mailbox I get a better grip of the box before heading out, that is, until one of the front desk employees stops me. 

“Miss! You dropped something,” he points to the white envelope on the ground. 

“Oh, thank you,” I say with a soft smile before opening what seems like a letter. 

To Miss Jean,

Hello Mira, this is Mrs. Jeon. I apologize for not reaching out to you sooner, I’m sure you’ve been worried sick. But, I hope you can understand that we as a family needed to take some time to help Jungkook heal. He is doing well. Although, his memory, at least of last year has been completely wiped. It’s been a tough journey, but the fact that he regained his consciousness is truly a miracle on its own. We really thought we lost him. You have no idea how much I cried that day. For a mother, losing her child is worse than death itself. So, I thank God every day for his protection. 

With that being said, the reason I’m writing to you is regarding your relationship with Jungkook. Please don’t take this too personally, but I need you to cut all ties with him. When I received the phone call from the paramedics on site, they reported that he was found unconscious on the side of the road, holding onto a bloodstained picture of you guys. Now, I tried to remain as reasonable as possible, but he is my son and I would do anything to protect him. Even if that means coming in between you two. I’m not sure if you guys were dating or tied by any romantic relationship, but from the way he talked about you, the dots were relatively easy to connect. 

He doesn’t remember anything, Mira. He doesn’t remember you. In hindsight, maybe it's for the best. I truly hope that you will be able to understand and respect my decision. Don’t call, don’t write, don’t interact. Jungkook will be returning back to Seoul for the Fall semester, and I trust that you will follow the plan. If he initiates contact first, try your best to avoid it at all costs. Just please, don’t make me worry about him again.  

Feeling my throat tighten, my chest heaves up from the sudden flow of emotions. What is going on? What did I just read? Cut all ties? He doesn’t remember me? Did I just receive an ultimatum from Jungkook’s mom before ever meeting her? My eyes swelled with tears as I looked around, scanning the room for any sign of life that would confirm if this was real or just a bad, bad dream. 

“Miss, are you okay?” the man at the front desk asks gently, his smile slowly fading as my body drops to the floor. 

“I don’t know,” I whisper, before looking up at his worried expression. Feeling my eyes dissociate into the distance, there’s a trail of teardrops marking the wooden floor as the denial settles in. Don’t call … Don’t write … Don’t interact. 

- - 

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Toronto. It is currently 8 pm exactly and pouring cats and dogs outside. So, I hope you dressed appropriately. On behalf of the cabin crew, I would like to thank you for flying with Air Canada. Enjoy the rest of your day!” the pilot's voice mumbles through the speakers as the sound of safety belts being unbuckled fills the tight space. 

Mom was right, Mother Nature seems to not be too happy about something, because why is it thunderstorming? To be fair though, I love it when it rains. Something about its aftermath, specifically, the smell of wet cement the next morning just tickles my brain. 

Mira: Just landed! Will be out shortly ❤️

Mommy: Thank goodness, we can't wait to see you, my love!

Daddy: Miraya, honey, I'll be standing right by the doors to help with the luggage. 

Mino: I hope you packed lightly -_- 

Milo: Mira, did you get us anything? ;)

Having younger brothers is definitely an experience, but I can’t lie, I managed to miss them as well. And, as I rolled my suitcase down the exit, I could feel my heartbeat increase, palms getting sweaty from the nerves. Overwhelmed by the emotions, it takes only a glimpse of my father’s face for me to break down. With tears rolling down my flushed face, we pulled each other into a long embrace, as my mother’s hands caressed my dishevelled curls. Pressing a soft kiss on my forehead, she cups my face in her warm palms before searching my teary eyes. 

“My sweet, sweet girl,” she says softly, wiping my tears with her pink handkerchief, as my dad navigates us out of the airport to our car.  

The drive back home was rather sentimental. With every turn I caught myself reminiscing my childhood memories. The time I broke my wrist falling off the monkey bars in my elementary park, or the time my friends and I tried to sneak into a frat party dressed like those edgy college girls … you can imagine the outcome, I don’t even have to explain. 

“Peaches!” 

A faint voice brings me out of my dissociation as I snap my head towards my younger brother whose smile visibly fades from the intensity of my stare. 

“What?” Milo asks slowly, eyebrows furrowed from confusion. 

“What did you just say?” I scoff, a bit more harshly than initially intended. 

“Mommy asked what fruit she should use for her pie …” his words trail off into the car's ambience, as my eyes swell with tears. God, I miss Jungkook so much that I’m now hearing things. Surely, this isn’t healthy. 

“Sorry, I must have misheard you,” I try to subside the suspense with a soft smile before looking out the rainy window again. Feeling my throat slowly tighten, I try to shake away the thought that somewhere across the ocean, rests a soul whose heart no longer beats for me. 

“He doesn’t remember you, Mira,” Mrs. Jeon’s voice keeps replaying in my head as I bury my face deeper into the duvet, attempting to block the thoughts with my pillow. Unfortunately though, It’s not working as the haunting realization of our future, or rather, the lack of it, has already consumed my conscious mind. It’s not fair. I’ve lost him once and can’t bear to lose him again. Which, I guess … is exactly what Mrs. Jeon is feeling right now. 

“Ugh, Mira, shhhh. Please, just let me sleep,” I snap at my racing thoughts, turning aimlessly inside the soft sheets before feeling my body slowly give in to the fatigue as my vision goes pitch black. 

“Koo!” I call out his name as we run towards each other with open arms across a field of orange tiger lilies. 

“My sweet, sweet girl,” he says softly, lifting me in the air before we melt into each other’s embrace. Tucking a few strands of hair behind my ear, he caresses my cheek with the back of his palm before searching my teary eyes. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks hushly, leaning closer as our lips rest inches apart. 

“Koo, please tell me that you remember me, that you remember us,” I cry out, placing my hands on his warm chest. 

“Of course, I do Peaches. What are you saying?” Jungkook’s voice is soft but full of worry as he moves my hand to his heart. 

“You lost your memory. Your mom said you don’t remember anything. Nothing,” 

“Mira, baby, please don’t cry. It was all a dream, I promise,” he says with a gentle smile, before wiping the tears off my face, resting his forehead on mine.

“It’s you and me, till my heart stops beating,” 

His words fade into the distance before I’m awakened by the feeling of sheer distress. Chest heaving up, there’s sweat dripping down my face as I reach for my journal on the nightstand. With shaky hands, I jot down the sudden overflow of my emotions in the form of a letter. 

Dear Koo, 

I saw you today and … it felt so real. Your embrace was warm, familiar and full of love. We were finally happy again. Except … it wasn't real, none of it was real. You promised it was all just a dream, but you lied. This … this is a nightmare.

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[great-and-small]

hey i know this is really heavy but... My pet of 13 years was put to sleep yesterday morning and I was wondering if you have any tips on handling the loss and absence of him. My whole family is struggling really hard and I would appreciate it.

Anon I have been thinking about how to answer this and what words of comfort I can offer you in this time of grief. I have held the hand of so many people through the death of their pet and still I oftentimes find myself at a loss for words. It’s something I think about a lot, so I’m sorry that this is quite long-winded.

I was driving my grandmother to a doctors appointment a few weeks ago and she was telling me about her first dog, a Boston terrier named Guppy that she’d had since she was 8 years old. She told me that during her first year in college she received an unexpected phone call from home out of the blue. In those times, phone calls were expensive and you really only got an unscheduled call when a relative or loved one had passed away. She told me that as she was walking to the room to take the call she had prayed to God that the news on the other end of the line would be the death of her own grandmother, rather than the now geriatric Guppy who had been sick for some time. It was a call about Guppy of course, and my grandma told me she’s been guilty her whole life for wishing that a family member had died instead. She told me that she was intentionally sharing this story with me because she didn’t want me to ever feel guilty if I grieve the loss of my dog more than I do her death someday. She told me that the love of a pet is something different, and losing it hurts in a different way.

This was a morbid story with a morbid sentiment (though entirely in character for my grandma) but it got me thinking about the nature of our grief for pets. They are such constants in our lives that in many ways losing them can be harder to bear than the loss of someone who matters to you in a completely different way. My grandma didn’t love her dog more than she loved her relative, it’s just a different type of grief.

Do not let anyone (including yourself) minimize your loss, because your pet was here, they were important, and your love for them mattered immensely.

So now let me say this; I am so happy that your pet was able to spend 13 years with a family that loved and treasured them. I hope for every single one of my patients to have that safety and warmth and affection, your pet was lucky to be so dearly loved. That said, here are some little things that I will recommend to people who ask me for help in dealing with the loss of their companion.

Take things one day at a time. This sounds like a cliche and maybe it is one but I found it helped me. Try not to think about the future without your pet, but focus on getting through the day, especially in the short term after the loss. Take care of yourself and your physical needs as much as you can.

Actively grieve your pet. By this I mean, dealing with grief is hard work that cannot be ignored or put aside. Rather than shying away from memories of your pet, take the time to purposefully think about them and the life they shared with you. It hurts and it sucks so much, but there is no shortcut through it.

Memorialize your pet. This can be anything, but try to find a way to honor your pet’s memory. Make a painting, or volunteer at an animal shelter for a day, donate old blankets to a vets office in your pets name, make a rock garden, buy a fruit tree and plant it somewhere, put together a photo collage of your pet. Doing little things like this helped me more than anything else when I was grieving my dog.

Talk about them. It seems so dumb but I swear it helps. Talk about what they were like when they were little, what funny things they did to make you laugh, what it meant to have them by your side through all those years. It doesn’t have to be a therapist, but find someone kind who can listen to the stories about your pet that made them who they were.

And most of all please know that someday (maybe not soon, but someday) it will hurt less. In the meantime please be kind to yourself as much as you can.

[bubbleonice]

timothee and kylie were spotted talking and laughing at the innovater awards in New York. and she is wearing the matching cartier bracelet that he has in necklace form. are you sure they’ve broken up?

I have gotten many many many asks today about this particular situation. I don’t have time to reply to everyone at this moment, I appologize. ❤️And I also do not have my cards with me at the moment. However, I still want to comment a few things because I can feel the stress this is causing some of my readers. I feel the collective energy and worries.

I myself am still firm in my reply as to they have ended things. I pulled some cards of this a while back and I believe I said things ended right about the time Paris Fashion Week ended, actually a little before that. But it also can be around December. I stay firm to that reply.

I also said eventhough they end things, we will probably not know of it until months later. And form KJ side, they will still make it seem like they are together.

But to be fair, I also don’t want to say: I am absolutely right and always right. There will always be a possibility I am wrong. I do not want to get anyone’s hopes high. And we should ‘t really pray upon anyone’s misery such as a break up. But this has never been a real relationship. It was a hookup turned into a pr show. So I am even unsure about when I say things ended, that might lead to someone actually believing they had a thing for real.

So just to say a few words in comfort, I want everyone to trust their guts, stay calm and think a little about this:

- if it was indeed a real relationship, wouldn’t we have seen more candid photos accidentally snapped by fans or someone from the street? Two young people dating would be all over the place, resturants, concerts, movies, shopping, walks in the park…etc!

- the few times we have actually seen them together were always in arranged settings with lots of cameras. How does this apply to a couple in love wanting to be lowkey? And when they come out as a couple, why go in hiding when events over? Does it make any sense?

-every allerged sightings of them spread on internet were never proven by photos. But by robot accounts, telling a story. And no one else ever validates those stories but this one storyteller. And they are always very much about they are all over eachother, they look so good, they are so in love. Like why does anyone need to sound like they are convincing anyone?

-remember the Kardashians run many media and social media outlets. When I recieved these asks I had to go online to see what you are talking about, this award show. And from my knowledge Timothee was at the award show presenting an award and Kylie was there to recieve an award. They were invited for two different reasons. And now the tabloids are calling it a hot date! And Timothee being there to support Kylie. See hiw they manipulate the public into believing something that wasn’t the case? They did not even arrive or leave together. What does that say to you? How easy it is to make one thing seem like something completly different, right?

-In addition, Kylie was forward an award for her fashionline which she just launched, I think 1 day ago? This tells me she was not nominated, this award was purchased and paid for. This is planned. Her seat next to Timothee and at the same table as Martin Scorcese was probably arranged the same way. But did we see any loving interactions? Kisses? Hugs? Even a glance at eachother? No.

All I want to say is have faith and trust your guts. This is a media game. If someone is truly in love and truly a couple, there would be much less doubt. They won’t be trying this hard to show it off to the world. And they would be much more genuine and cozy around eachother. We would see more unstaged photos than actually staged ones. And no doubt, we can expect more to come.

Bless you all❤️❤️ I’ll reply to the rest of my asks this weekend. I wish everyone a pleasant day.

[khaire-traveler]

hey can i ask you for religious advice? i’m helpol and i’ve found my way of worshipping is just different than other people’s. it’s not disrespectful or anything, i just don’t have the same casual relationship with gods like other people do, i guess. i think a lot of it has to do with just how i am, and the things affecting me.

(ex: i don’t have enough money to have big fancy altars or big offerings, so my offerings are usually in the form of emotion or things i do to honor them. i don’t pray everyday because i’m scared of being annoying. i have felt connection to deities who have no worshippers, etc etc.)

is this a common experience or is it just a me thing? and does it make me any less valid as a hellenic polytheist, or is it like considered a separate community in paganism all together? feel free to ignore for any reason. so sorry if i’ve bothered you

Hey, Nonny! You are absolutely NOT bothering me; I really enjoy giving advice and guidance when I'm able, so thank you for the ask! ☺️🧡

First of all, your way of worship is valid. You're doing nothing wrong, and it's important to realize that people will only share the best and most interesting parts of their worship online. They also don't show everything about their worship. The journey it took for some of these people to even just feel stable in their worship is not easily expressed through some pretty, fancy altar photo. So, yes, you are still a valid member of the Hellenic Polytheist community, even with your "uncommon" ways of worship, which are honestly not that uncommon.

Secondly, your worship sounds a lot more casual and true to how it actually is to begin working with deities than you may realize. Personally, I don't pray often - certainly not nearly every day 💀 - and I don't give many offerings physically, if at all. My altars are scattered, messy, and cluttered. They're as much of a work in progress as I am. There is no wrong way to worship, friend, and my best advice to give to you is to stop comparing yourself to other worshippers. Even in ancient times, practices varied completely from place to place - there was no one way to worship the gods. This still rings true for modern day. I've met Hellenic Polytheists who don't even use altars, simply because altars didn't line up with their beliefs. And you know what? That's ok! There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Worship the way that feels true and right to you, not to somebody else. Make up the rules as you go. Have fun with it! Spirituality is meant to bring comfort, joy, and happiness, so worship the gods however the hell you want.

Thirdly, worshipping unrecorded deities is more than ok! Several people I actually follow on here do that very thing. It's not wrong or bad, nor does it make you any less part of the community. You're still very welcome here with open arms, ok? You and your deity. You belong here for as long as you wish to. No one can tell you otherwise.

I hope this brought you some comfort. You're being very harsh with yourself, and I want you to know that the gods will not judge you for imperfect worship. They are imperfect gods; if anything, they expect imperfect worship! You have a place in this community just as much as the next person. You're welcome here. You don't have to change a single thing about yourself. Take care, and be gentle with yourself. 🫂

[grossbabygoblin]

My Nana passed away from Alzheimer’s yesterday morning…Im glad she went peacefully and I know she chose to go when she did before it got to hard or painful for her. But I wish I had gotten to see her alive one last time. Just a few days before I was buying flowers at the farmers market and thought “I should visit Nana soon and bring her some flowers” and then Friday my dad calls and tells me she’s not eating and that everyone is coming to visit her Saturday/Sunday because she’s likely to go soon. And I woke up yesterday thinking I was going to see her one last time after work. Had asked God to lead me to a Bible verse to read her. Then my dad calls me at work in the morning saying she passed. And I walked from work to where she was living and I picked some lupines from the side of the road to give her lifeless body. I got to see her…I got to give her flowers…but a little too late. It’s hard grieving her though I know she’s better off where she is now with my papa, and it’s hard knowing how much my dad is hurting and grieving losing his mom and I hope he will cope in healthy ways. I’m doing my best to be there for him. Me and all my immediate family went to see her before they took her to the funeral home and all the sweet caretakers she had were there too. My uncle also came. Everyone else doesn’t live nearby so they are coming later. But we all got to cry and mourn over her and watch them take her away. My dad being the person he is was keeping it together mostly but clearly emotional to me though he wouldn’t outright cry and just got teary eyed. And after her body was gone seeing his first instinct was to go and find old photos of Nana and the family to put out. Looking through them almost frantically and putting them up around the candle Nana’a cleaning lady had gotten and done catholic prayers with. He placed them around the place with shakey hands in a desperation to have the memories of his mother surround him. I just pray that the Lord will comfort and bring peace to him and all of our family and that Nana gets to be with my Papa in the afterlife.

[seisoukan]

A Praying Chant - Chapter 5

Translated by: @seisoukan

With thanks to my proofers: @kuma829

Season: Winter

Location: Hospital Room

KOGA: Cough, cough…

I’m still feelin’ a bit chilly… why’s this damn flu pesterin’ me so much…

And how come there are still so many people at the damn hospital? When’ll it be my turn to get an IV? What a pain in the ass!

(Koga finally receives his IV fluids…)

SUBARU: Gami-san, we’re here to visit you~

How are you doing? Feeling any better?

KOGA: Don’t just hug me outta nowhere!

I’m already doin’ fine , so don’tcha look down on me, cough, cough…

ADONIS: However, you’re still coughing. Should we ask the doctor for some medicine?

MAKOTO: I’ve already asked them. The doctor said Oogami-kun can return home after the IV drip; with some quality rest, the cough will eventually heal on its own.

KOGA: But how did ya know I was here?

When Akehoshi called, I just told him I wasn’t at home.

SUBARU: Haha, because I have a friend who happened to see you while getting his medicine at the hospital~

He contacted me saying he saw a familiar-looking person, and asked if he was my friend or not~

To confirm his suspicions, he even sent a photo my way. But the photo itself is pretty interesting~

Ahaha! This photo of Gami-san wrapped up in a blanket burrito is a real treasure! I’m going to preserve it forever and ever ☆

KOGA: You bastard, delete that photo or else!

SUBARU: Ah, hey, don’t grab my phone!

MAKOTO: You two, stop horsing around. It’s not good to make a loud racket at a hospital.

Speaking of, Oogami-kun, we brought you a gift. Hope you like it.

ADONIS: The gift is with me. Here you go, Oogami.

KOGA: I just caught a small flu. D’ya really hafta to do all this for me?

But, whatever. Lemme open it up and take a look.

What kinda animal is this? I’ve never seen it before!

MAKOTO: This is a qilin[1]. It’s a mythical beast that brings luck to those it encounters. Plus, it has an elevated status compared to other beasts, and in some interpretations, is a symbol of power~

KOGA: Oh~ I never expected ya lot to be good at pickin’ out shit. Count me impressed.

SUBARU: This is our blessing to you, so you gotta cherish it~

ADONIS: Mm. The idea of blessings exists in almost every culture there is; thus, this longing for well-wishes could be called the natural and instinctive nature of humanity.

I think, rather than considering blessings an empty, useless gesture, it is more appropriate to call it the good intentions of the well-wisher.

We wish for our peers to be safe, sound and healthy; for this reason, we give blessings to all those we encounter. So please, allow us to possess this natural longing.

So, Oogami,

SUBARU: Anzu and friends, too ☆

MAKOTO: We all hope…

SUBARU: For you to be peaceful and safe!

KOGA: Wow. Ya bastards, ya really had ta go ‘n make it all so extra…

Ya guys…

MAKOTO: Are you crying, Oogami-kun? Don’t cry, don’t cry… When we rehearsed our lines, we only really practiced saying “Oogami, get well soon!”

ADONIS: Ah, my apologies. I went ahead of myself and said a lot of things. At the time, I didn’t think of a proper starter, so my head was full of all sorts of thoughts.

SUBARU: Haha, I also thought just mentioning Gami-san seemed a bit insubstantial, so I added tons of people~

But thankfully, Ukki reacted in time, so we can count this blessing strategy a huge success ☆

ADONIS: Ah, that’s right. For Oogami to recover quicker, I bought barbecue meat. Eating meat can lift people’s spirits.

SUBARU: I also used my phone to record a greeting from Daikichi to you~ Isn’t that a super surprise?

KOGA: Ya, ya… I’ll take care of it one thing at a time, alright…

I’m all done with the IV, and it’s pretty crummy to take up a hospital bed. Let’s head home together.

(Feels like I’ll get a whole lot better tomorrow~)

Koga’s card is based off the qilin. You can read more about them here.

The Heavenly Beast's Scroll - Masterlist

[djavlaalskadeunge]

Letter 18

“California 3-6-26

When will you send me your photo that you talked about?

Sweet dear Mimi!

Thank you for your letter for your kindness, it always feels so good to know that you are there even if I don't get to see you. I want to try, I have promised myself not to complain and I would prefer this not to become a letter of complaint. I believe that God sent me all this heavy horror that happened because I was unhappy, perhaps without needing to be. What has come over me, I can't believe, I can't understand that it is true and cannot be changed. It is suddenly as if life has ended and something has died inside me.

It's not a tragic feeling either that I go and write "now life is ruined for me. No it's such a strange calm feeling just like what happens doesn't concern me it doesn't wake me up and it doesn't sleep all that still . I don't know what it is but it's so strange. I wouldn't lie but having to be here now is not fun. I've been waiting for letters or telegrams saying that everything that happened wasn't true someone had only wanted to be mean I would pray God bless the one who did the evil only that it would not be so. Can you understand that those we hold dear pass away - if we ourselves should live 100 years we shall never see them here again. Never - can you understand that. I didn't get time to do anything for her either. I never got the chance to be kind, indulge her, see her happy. The feeling you get when you say you didn't get time, no human tongue can express.

I have worked and work very hard it is too much for a woman. After this film, I intend to take the consequences and ask to travel home. I can't bear it, I have to go see mother and visit Alva's grave, maybe I can see her. I still get no feeling for my work, I go to and from like a machine. If only you could understand how I live. You know that Stiller would be the director of my second film, the one I'm doing now. Only a week after my little sister's death came another blow. Moje unlucky Moje has gone through hell here.  The Americans have been terrible, they don't want to let him make films like he's used to, get involved in everything and take away his inspiration, poor Moje was exhausted and tired. He walked away from it all. He was decent you know didn't yell didn't fight didn't give in to them and ruined for himself. They probably wanted to remove the personal aspect of him, so he would make films like everyone else makes here. I have now had to switch to an American director. I actually didn't know if I should run from everything. Everyone also knows that I'm on Stiller's side, but that doesn't concern me. Don't know what will become of it all. Mimi, when you see Gösta Khylberger, don't you want to give him a kiss from me. He is so sweet, my dear Gösta. He has done a lot of good for me, I am eternally indebted to him. Seeing you and Gösta again is the bright spot for me. I sincerely hope that everything goes as I wish, then I can be home in September. Then you must be in Stockholm again. Are you happy and is Nisse healthy? I know you're busy and how it goes with writing, I'm an example of that, but I think I hear so rarely from you it's because I'm the same. Come over here to me darling and we'll go home together it is a divine sea voyage divine.  

I thought, you know, I would try to get mine over here if my film is successful, and then stay here for another 2 years. I don't have a salary now, you understand, to talk about can only live "all right", but if my film is good, I hope to get more. Hope I get rich. If I were to get money one time, I would like to invite you on a trip to a place where you would like to go if I could come along, of course. I don't dare build anything up in my head. Life usually has other things in store, but who knows, maybe it could be. Mimmie, I miss you so much, you can't come. But maybe I get a bad conscience, this is not fun, you see. Anyway, I still hope to see you again before the end of the year. It's nice to have hope. I ask you to understand that no one is happier about your success than me, little Misse, I knew you had the blood of an artist exotic, I also think you are. I wish you to be happy and tell me. Write to me again about your plans for the summer. Would you like to say hello to Nisse and then to your family. To Mona and Vera ————————————————————-My sincere longing follows these lines over to you and Europe ——- Greta.”

[pinacoladassmau]

5 🍹

Stede fizzled with excitement, a gentle buzz lingering just under his skin; an electric promise of things to come. He’d planned this for months, simmering with the prospect of the open ocean and sea-salt air, only to be wrecked with worry the moment he’d stepped inside the travel agents ( what if this was the wrong choice? What if it was a waste of time? Was this really what he was choosing to spend daddy’s money on? ).

But then the teller had been so kind and encouraging (‘ This for your wife, honey?’ - Stede had nodded nervously, to which she cooed- ‘How sweet. Wish my husband would buy me a cruise, but he’d never be that spontaneous. Aren’t you just a darl!’ ) and the world was righted once more, knocked back to its correct axis.

Now the day was here (Valentines Day, very apt), and everything was laid bare (the tickets, the promotional photos, his soul–hopes, wants, dreams) across a white-orange checkered tablecloth.

Stede’s hands were gently, delicately laid over Mary’s eyes, keeping her hostage within the suspense. This is what couples did, right? Surprise each other? Book activities to do together? Make grand, sweeping gestures? He hoped so. Stede had proved rather miserable at most other pursuits, the least he could do was be a good husband, a good partner.

He pulled his fingers away, revealing the stage to Mary, the audience; praying she would be rapt with the scene before her. “What do ya think?” Stede asked, voice frayed with anticipation ( What had Mary called him once? Reliable? Steady? Never one for spontaneity. Surely this was fun and impulsive enough for her ).

“It’s a cruise.” She said flatly, observantly, brows furrowing as she picked up a ticket from the kitchen table with distinctly less enthusiasm than Stede was anticipating.

“What would you say going on a cruise like that, for a few weeks?” Stede knelt next to her chair, in a position not un reminiscent of a beg, “You, me... at sea.” Endless blue. Endless possibility.

“Why on Earth would we do that?” Mary asked, turning towards him with a frown he unfortunately recognised, and his throat closed up. He’d been wrong. He’d messed up. Miscalculated. It was stupid, really, the whole thing but-

“I don't know.” The words fell from his lips before he could consider them, “Break the monotony.”

“Our life feels monotonous to you?”

“No!” Stede exclaimed, taking Mary’s hands in his; a gesture he hoped was reassuring, “No, it doesn't, does it? I just think that for our anniversary, instead of doing something here… we could be on a ship having adventures.”

“Do you know I hate the ocean? I've said so before.”

“What? When?”

“When we were on a plane to the Caribbean for our honeymoon! I didn’t like it then, and I don’t like it now.”

She pulled her hands away, retreating from her husband, and pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers; like an frustrated, exasperated parent dealing with an uncontainable child. Stede felt small, tiny ( you’re the fuck-up, Baby Bonnet. A soft, pathetic little fuck-up ) . He knew she wasn’t trying to be cruel, but the whiplash of excitement to abject disappointment stung nonetheless– a sharp, piercing bee sting he likely deserved.

“I don't want to be on a boat, Stede. Not when I'll be three months pregnant, in the throes of morning sickness,” Mary said, softer, her tone not unkind.

“No... No, of course not. This- this is just an idea. This is it. Don’t worry about it. I'm sorry.”

Stede deflated, like a balloon expiring after the joy of a birthday.

“That's it.”

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[blogger1011]

So I blocked you in the morning today on Instagram after seeing your story holding the hand of a girl who clicked that photo. Yesterday morning, I woke up at around 7:20 and I randomly had the urge to see if you had texted me back or not so I opened Instagram to see a story with you holding a girl by the waist. She is looking at you and smiling and you are smiling and a romantic song is playing which I now hate by the way. I had planned on sleeping after checking Instagram because I had to go to work and I needed my sleep but I just couldn't sleep after that. I am no stranger to anxiety but that broke me in a way that I did not know how to fix. I know you're probably happy and you are building a very new life in which I have no place as you said to me. And you also know that I love you even if you do not believe me. But I love myself as well and I owe it to myself to not have you rubbing off your girl in my face. I know that I look drop dead gorgeous while crying but I am so tired of crying. I don't want to. Contrary to your belief, I don't have an obsession with unrequited love. You are perfectly entitled to not fall in love with me and to not reciprocate anything that I have felt for you. But I am also entitled to not say a single word to you while I have multitudes to say. I have deleted your number too but not blocked you. Not that I have much faith that you would text. Calling is out of the question.

You know, I am broken in 50 different ways and then you add this heart break and it goes straight to 100. I have had you on my mind for so long that I sort of have connected the puzzle pieces. So I think she was the one you went to the market with where you wore that red kurta. It was during the period when you were ghosting me. And I am so used to letting you leave and letting it break my heart a million times. I let it happen each time because of a very simple reason; I thought you were worth it.

It is not fair. I prayed for you. I prayed for you to be okay and I prayed to have you stay when you came. It's so unfair that I continuously wished for you and didn't get you and someone who didn't just did. Just like that. And I know you said you didn't want me. And you said that for me, it's either the bookish love or you hating me. I apologised because no one should be forced into love. But what I didn't say is that it wasn't like that. It's just that I don't do things by halves. I go all in. And I know that not everyone is like me now am I asking for them to be. I can take you liking me if not loving me. I can take you wanting me. I can take you not wanting me. I can take your indifference and even your hate. But I cannot be just friends with you. You can just stand up and say okay let's be friends because this ain't gonna happen. But I've loved you like breathing. Like Pip loved Estella; against reason and against hope. And how can I let you go just like that? Of course, I have to. And I did. But I cannot just sit in the fucking friendzone while you go off and marry someone else. You know my keyboard still suggests sweets as the next word when I say good night to someone? I haven't called you any nickname in like 15 days. But you know what? You are sweets and cutes and all the nicknames I gave you. Keep them. They are yours. But if you so please, give me my heart back. I need it. It's like I am falling and falling and falling. I am bracing for impact but all I'm living in is trepidation. But it will come. And when it hits me, I don't know how I'll piece myself back together. But I know I will. I have to. It's so stupid. Of me, of course. I am writing this just because I need to put it out there. And you are out there with your girl.

What I don't get is why couldn't you just break it off clean? You ghosted me so let me stay ghosted. You told me you don't want anything so leave. Why come back? Why talk to me? Why be the sweetest thing for two weeks only to ghost me again? Why joke about being married and engaged and then denying it when it was actually happening? Why tell me that you will fight my nightmares? Why tell me that you missed me? Why tell me that you wanted to meet me and be like "oh" when I tell you that I was in town then? Why propose a hypothetical date when you knew where you were gonna be next week? Why did you keep coming back to me? Because if I was nothing then this is nothing but cruel. And if I was nothing that all you said to me were lies. And why lie?

Have you seen Love Aaj Kal? It's my favourite Hindi movie. I thought of us being Jai and Meera. And I know you would say that I need to come out my world of books and movies and fiction because life is different and there are practical reasons for doing things and I should be logical. I am practical if the need arises. Why do you think I am doing this job? I wouldn't be doing a lot of things if they weren't the "right" thing to do. But this one thing? I knew I was going upstream but there are certain things where impracticality wins. Call me an idiot but if you knew what was gonna happen, you should have let me go sooner. I'm here breaking my heart because you were too polite to do it. A Taylor Swift lyric but oh how true it rings. But if you were hellbent on minimising the blow then why would you post a story with a girl just like that when you have been talking to me normally the night before? Your callousness broke me. Maybe rethink your username. And while you are at it, change your goddamned bio because my God knows you have been out of my sight since March but you not been out of my mind for even a day.

And okay, maybe I asked for too much and it's okay that you couldn't give that to me but then why did you always keep coming up to me and building this glass house only to shatter it again and again? You left. The glass cut me because I stayed. And okay, you can reason that I could have left too. But that is the point. You can reason it out because you never believed that I loved you. That is why you can call it infatuation and that is why you can suggest setting me up with someone on two separate occasions. I'm sorry I didn't take the hint and leave sooner. Would have been better no? I have loved you and you better believe it. Not that I could do anything if you didn't, but please do. I know you have someone in your life. And I have no idea about that relationship but no one would love you like I do. It is not a competition, nor would I ever compete against another. But it's just the way I have loved you is not something that comes around often. It's beyond me. And I know you have gained so much which I hope only increases but what I said will always ring true. I kept telling you that you deserve the best. It never occured to me that someone else would be the best for you.

But you were always sure. Sent me a reel with the girl attending her ex's marriage just after joking about getting married. Sent me a post that said we are each other's character development and eventually are gonna marry somebody else. Did you not know you were being cruel or is it all the same to you? I don't know. Nor do I need closure of any kind. That is why I have left. With whatever is left of my dignity and self-respect. I never beg and I begged for you to stay. You didn't. Says enough, don't you think? But okay. Really not okay but okay. I have said everything I needed to say. I don't know if you will ever read this or even if you did, you would read it like the way I mean for you to. But it shouldn't matter anymore. It does to me but shouldn't for you. What else? Take care of yourself. The most beautiful boy I have ever seen. May you always find reasons to keep flashing your smile.

All my love.

[theediblequeer]

“hey, i’m overstimulated, can i go and sit in the car?” they hit send and looked up to their mom across the room. the ding of the notification was barely audible above the cacophony of conversations occurring simultaneously in the almost too-clean house. they stared down at their socks against the hardwood floor. as the group had entered the house, they noticed that the small girl that answered the door was in her socks and followed suit by removing their shoes.

approaching the kitchen, they asked if they could use the bathroom (to get a sneaky hit of their vape, but she didn’t need to know that). “sure! it’s the down the hall and to the left, the door with a wreath on it.” she looked them up and down “you really didn’t need to take your shoes off.” the emphasis with which she said “really” made them anxious. sitting on the closed toilet seat, they clicked their vape on and took a hit. the noise was likely barely audible, but they were always anxious of it.

they exited the bathroom to find that, to their horror, their family was the only group without shoes. this point of anxiety was the first of many to fill their mind that night.

“and here we have the vegetarian option, just for you billie” the host laughed, gesturing to a horrifyingly green pizza. they were thankful nonetheless, it meant they didn’t need to eat too much of it and it wouldn’t be obvious that they were simply hoping to not eat. they laughed, took a piece, and looked to flynn.

flynn had taken a seat at the main dining table, one that billie had assumed would be saved for the bride and groom. despite their worries, they sat across from their younger sibling. the pair was shortly joined by isaiah. isaiah began conversing with the bride’s younger brother about chess, prompting the child to produce a chess board. while at first isaiah insisted against playing, they were soon enthralled in an intense match, 21 year old vs 15 year old. preliminarily, billie was engaged, but it soon grew far too loud in the room to pay attention to much anything.

“hey, i’m overstimulated, can i go and sit in the car?”

their mother looked at her phone for a moment and they were almost hopeful. she didn’t turn it over to see the message. they looked at their socks, they could feel the seam rubbing against the top of their toes. one two three four five six one two three four five six one two- “brittany! come over here!” their grandmother called, motioning for them. they approached and cautiously sat on the couch, between their mother and their grandmother.

if it had been their nana, and not their grandmother, they might have been relieved. their grandmother, however, had a tendency to say the darndest things.

“i haven’t talked to you yet today! how are you doing? how are things going for you?” she shoved billie playfully but not quite gently. they excitedly explained that their girlfriend- and was cut off. “you know, when i was your age, i used to wear hot pants and a catsuit.” they nodded, unsure where this was going. “go on, look up what hot pants and cat suits look like” she opened her phone, handing it to them. they pulled up a photo of what they never wished to picture their grandmother wearing.

“you see, i used to have a rebellious phase.” they nodded, knowing where this was going. “but at some point i grew up.” they asked what she meant by that, “well, you know, when i was in all of this, my mother used to pray for me because i was being immature, i didn’t know what i was doing, who i was, or what i wanted.” they asked what this had to do with their girlfriend. they saw the gears turning in her head, that she was trying to find a way to sound only passively homophobic. “well, you’ve gotta grow up.”

they turned to their mom and she was finally checking her phone. “i have known my girlfriend for nearly quadruple the amount of time that the newlyweds have known each other. we’ve been dating for 7 months longer than they’ve known each other. been living together for one month longer than they’ve known each other. i don’t know how much more grown up that can get” is what they thought in their mind. that’s what they wanted to say.

“oh i’m sorry, i just saw your text” their mother interjected. “i think it’s about time for us to head home” she smiled. thank god. they thought, i was beginning to think the night would never end.

[notparrots]

I am incredibly sorry if this is overwhelming in any way. I know I may be a little too energetic but it’s hard to bring a close to the most important friendship I will ever have. Take as much time as you need to read this or not at all.

Dear Molly, this is a goodbye.

Hopefully just for a little while. We may not be apart forever but if you wish it to be so then it is up to you and only you. I’m sorry if this comes out jumbled, it’s hard to write a goodbye to the most important and my favorite person in my whole life so I apologize if it’s incoherent. I don’t expect you to respond to this and I’m half expecting you to not even read it so I am just trying to do this for some semblance of closure I can grasp from this fucked situation. Also I’m gonna reference a bunch of songs in this, try to spot them all!

You were all I could ever ask for in a friend, funny, smart, caring, and kind. You are truly an amazing person and I believe you can do whatever you set your mind to. You are not pathetic or weak in any way shape or form. You are valid in all of your emotions no matter what anyone else says. You have gone through so much and I know you will go very far in whatever path you choose. Thank you for putting up with my bullshit. Thank you for putting up with my insanity. Thank you for putting up with my clinginess. You may be an Imperfect girl and I know you have your problems as well but I don’t care, I will always support and protect and love you. I know I wasn’t the bestest friend I could be but I think I did alright. I don’t know exactly what triggered us not being able to talk but I think it has to do with me leaving those assholes behind and talking to Leo. I also don’t really believe what your mother said about you not wanting to be my friend anymore. Whatever the cause is, I know it’s going to be Alright it in the end. It only gets better, I promise. In the end we are just Stupid kids and our mistakes will help us learn for the future

The times we spent together were the best in my life. You made me smile, feel alive, and made life sparkle for me. Every photo you sent, every word out of your mouth, every piece of art you created was joy to hear or see. Hopefully one day I can show you the artwork that I will create. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person and thank you for pushing me forwards in life like no person ever has before. Thank god I saved those videos of you showing me how to draw or else I would be lost. It’s also nice to hear your voice in them. I wish we could have lived A life frozen in time.

I have to say that the last message you ever sent me was perfect. That song is beautiful and the lyrics kinda fit with our situation. Since you left me with one last song I will leave you with Let them know they’re on your mind. It’s a song by Cavetown and I like it a whole lot. Also the lyrics work pretty well. I also created a Spotify playlist, it’s public on my account and it’s called For when we are away. Listen to it if you want, I know how much music means to you so I just want to be able to communicate my feelings through a medium you feel most safe with.

Please save that bracelet you were making me and maybe give it to me eventually if we are to meet again. Oh and also idk if I’m gonna get that record or not but I pray I do. That is my last request from you, thank you.

Maybe I’ll catch you at a concert or at Davenports or walking down the street, but whenever You and I see each other again, I hope you still love and care about me next time we meet because I know I will. There will always be a bleeding gash on my heart from this that will never heal. Time may stop the bleeding, mask the pain it causes me with jokes, and cover up the wound with kindness but it will always remain, never forgetting, always remembering the times that once were and could have been. You are the yin to my yang I feel, Geto to my Gojo, black to my white. I at least feel like you are my other half in many ways. God this sounds so stupid and cringey and clingy but I don’t care anymore, not like you will respond to it anyways.

I will now talk about what I’ve been doing as of late. School next year is going to be really rough for me. Jeremy is my last friend there and might be leaving to live in Germany before school even starts. August might torment me but I just don’t know yet. There will always be bullies in my school who will pick on me but idk if I can hold back their words for much longer. I’m so fucking done talking to Em in general. They are just a drag on my mental health. Wayfinder was amazing, it is truly my home and my people. I wish I could have shared a piece of it with you. I made some amazing friends at camp that live near me and want to hang out sometime so I think I’ll be alright for now. Every second at camp I was thinking about if you were ok or not and that was not the best for my mental health but whatever. I’m writing this in between the first and second week of camp so I’m about to go back and leave my phone at the house. I got the phone exception just so I could talk to you but since we can’t even interact I’m not allowed to bring it no matter how much I plead with my parents. It’s taking me like 2 and a half hours to write this but it’s not like I can ever express how much you mean to me and how I want things to be different.

Some closing remarks: I won’t be able to go to the re6ce concert, I am sorry. I am going to go to some other concerts later in the year because I want to experience one. Cavetown and Lyn concerts specifically because I kinda realize they fucking rule. Might go to the Stacy concert but like, you're already going and might not want to see me. I wish my first time going to one would have been with you but alas not. The bracelet you made me is beautiful, thank you. I hope that if we are still besties in the future we can do all the stuff we planned on doing. Like going to Japan or seeing an eclipse together or going thrift shopping or going to the ren fair together or going to an aquarium or watching evangelion together or even you taking me to Wendy’s. I know those are silly but I hold onto those hopes and dreams, they are what keeps me going. Always have something to dream about, it will come in handy. I wish I could send this off with a poem or a drawing but I have nothing, I’m sorry. I’ll include some of my favorite photos of you. I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed. I know you have me restricted and I think that’s because I kept harrassing you when you showed up online. I’m really sorry about that, please forgive me. I was just wondering why you weren’t responding and was really not responding to it well. I wish you weren’t ghosting me and instead responded to me to give me some sort of closure but alas it will not happen.

Whenever we meet again, whether it be tomorrow, next year, or in 1000 years, there’ll forever be a room for you inside of my heart. And if I don’t see you,

good morning

good afternoon

good evening

goodnight

Sleep well

Sweet dreams

Sleep tight

Don’t let the bed bugs bite

I care about you

I love you ❤️

Toodles nerd

[bluesky88diary]

For some reason it's hard to believe that you would like to meet person... a traveler, who cannot even afford a room in hotel more that few nights. One said wise thing, the more you have, the more difficult it is to leave it behind and move again. Invested hard work of past year into equipment for photo & video production, today it feels heavy to sell it and move again, didn't even try it well. However, why is this so? It gives me zero income, leaves behind saturated completion and isn't promising any success. But one this that holds me here, I have fun doing this even for free. I really enjoy the journey, trying something new and unavailable before. And even more I grown in this, more I feel like this is exactly what I love to do for a living, beside traveling and helping other.

Afterwards I look at the opportunity to meet you, dear Seung-Yeon, and I wish to be there so much, but also a thought that I could never again have opportunity to challenge myself in this journey of videographer holds me back. Because I couldn't come to you like a successful person in common terms for the most, but only like a traveler. And wouldn't you be ashamed to meet a traveler?

You know dear, for me is very difficult to count on people, because our natural instinct in changing situation is to protect ourselves, our businesses, houses, kids etc... But the most yourself. Maybe, I've seen very little love, but hard to remember a woman that would like to give up for me at least something. Never met a person who would like to stand for me in times of trouble (maybe my memory is way too short). Perhaps this is why I made conclusion that woman won't do much for her man. For kids, for family, for parents, for things she loves, but for her man... Well, can't remember. This is what holds me the most. Hard to believe if something unexpected will happen you will have courage to stay. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe you are the first person who will dispel this myth I faced so many times.

This is why I don't what to put you before such a choice between me and something else you love. I'd rather work hard to comfort your heart than challenge it.

Also, at another hand I'm willing to give up even this dream of being together, just for a chance to meet you. Even if this will be one glance, one step before the only one smile I could ever face. Thus, I'm still yet battling in my heart to don't lose this chance.

There is no clear answer. Yet my prayers lift up to heaven with divine assurance that Jesus will take care about us. He is my super hero who helps me out at any circumstances. And this gives me confidence for whatever I will choose, He won't give up on me, and so I hope you, my beloved flower Seung-Yeon.

Never forget that day in Hong-Kong, that look of someone precious for heart, leaving without even a chance to say "hello". Perhaps, it still yet hurts, but does that matter? She wasn't the first who did so, but the first for whom I have risked it all. Afterall such a mysterious question, many fall in love with me willing to be, but no one ever dared to stay. What a mystery! That's why I never chose even one.

And the most of all I'm afraid to have such a memory about you. You're much precious to my heart and I cherish each moment with you, my beloved angel.

So I pray, maybe you will be the one, who will stay.