#i was too anxious to do so and the more time passed the more anxious i got

[catmiemy]

Another Chance to Live Part 4 (Ana Maria Crnogorčević x Reader)

Summary: Ana and you finally start dating.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

A/N: Look at me sticking to my upload schedule. Although I might be able to publish the final two parts earlier since I had more time to write because I had to cancel some plans thanks to conjunctivitis.

I hope you enjoy these two finally getting together. As always, happy to hear what you think :)

After your conversation with Jenni you continued to sit on the couch, staring at your phone as if the device would be any help in figuring out how to ask Ana out.

As it turned out, it actually did. While you were still contemplating, weighing the pros and cons of every option, your phone buzzed with an incoming message. Your heart skipped a bit when you saw it was from Ana, just like it always did. And your heart definitely skipped more than one beat once you read the message.

You read the words over and over again, finding it impossible to believe this was actually happening. For so long you had told yourself there would never be anything more than friendship between you and Ana, and now all of the sudden your whole world had been turned upside down in the best way possible.

A little birdie just told me about the conversation you had.

Hope you don’t mind she told me.

Jenni said you didn’t tell her not to tell me, so she thought it was fair game.

Anyway, what do you say about changing our hangout tomorrow to an official date?

You know as a date, as more than friends.

Ana’s reply was almost instant.

Of course I don’t mind, it makes my life a lot easier!

I really owe that birdie, but don’t tell her that.

And yes, I’d love to do that!

You quickly texted back that you were excited about it as well, before putting away your phone grinning like a fool.  You felt like you were floating on a cloud of happiness, something that you hadn’t experience in a long, long time, maybe never to this degree.  

Great, I’ll pick you up at 7 tomorrow.

Already looking forward to it.

---

The next day you got more and more nervous the closer the time for Ana to pick you up came. However, whenever the anxiety threatened to become overwhelming, you just thought about the Swiss woman; how happy you always were in her presence and how at ease she made you feel, as if you were perfect just the way you were. Every time you did that you immediately felt much calmer; less anxious nervous and much more joyful excited. 

 Still, it took you forever to pick out an outfit, mentally thanking Ana that she had texted you earlier in the day to at least let you know what style of clothes you should be wearing, elegant but not overly fancy. In the end you settled on a black dress because you could never go wrong with that, and it did show off your body in the best way possible.

Even with all the internal debating about your outfit you ended up being ready almost 30 minutes before the pickup time, because you had started so early. Therefore you settled down on the couch, trying and failing to distract yourself with your phone.

Only a few minutes passed before there was a knock on the door. With a frown you went to open it, hoping it wasn’t your parents with some sort of request to help them out. You definitely didn’t have time to do that right now.

However, when you opened the door and laid eyes on Ana your frowned turned into a big smile. You were always happy to see her, but tonight even more so. Finally you got to be with her in the way you wanted, no more pretending to be just friends.

“Hi,” you greeted her, too distracted by the blonde’s mere presence to wonder why she was here so early.

“Hi,” Ana echoed, stepping forward to hug you. You melted into the embrace and turned your face inwards against her neck, relishing in the fact that you didn’t have to suppress gestures like this any longer.

“Ready to go?” The Swiss woman asked you after a bit.

You nodded, grabbing the bag you had conveniently placed next to the door. When you turned back towards Ana, she reached out offering you her hand. You instantly laced your fingers through hers, the small contact filling you with warmth and an overwhelming sense of belonging right there in this moment.

When you were getting into the car you heard the church bells ring and suddenly realized how early the Swiss woman had been. It wasn’t like she was known for being unpunctual, but also she wasn’t usually this early.

“How come you were here this early? Did I have the time wrong?”

That seemed like the most logical explanation, even though you had checked the time in Ana’s text about at dozen times.

“Well, I knew you’d be ready early and I didn’t want to make you wait unnecessarily and maybe get anxious.”

Your heart melted at this. It was so thoughtful of Ana and it showed how well she already knew you. This fact put you even more at ease. There was no need to pretend or try to show yourself in the most favorable light, this woman already knew you and somehow she still liked you.

“Plus I was excited to go out with my friend,” the blonde continued.

For a second your stomach dropped at the last word, but when you looked over and saw the humor in Ana’s eyes you recognized that she was just teasing you.

“I guess I deserve that,” you conceded, “And for the record I never wanted you to be just my friend.”

You were a little surprised by your own boldness. However, Ana made you feel like it was not only okay to say what you were thinking, but that it was in fact exactly what the Swiss woman wanted.

“That’s good to know,” Ana stated, sounding much more serious all of the sudden as if she still hadn’t been totally sure about your feelings.

Suddenly you felt a little silly for not taking into account that other people got insecure as well. You had been so focused on yourself, that you had never considered how it must have been for the Swiss woman to constantly hear you emphasize that you were merely friends.

“I’m sorry about that, I just didn’t think there was any possibility you’d ever like me too,” you apologized.

Ana looked over at you sadly. “I know, but we’ll work on that,” she promised.

“On what?”

“On the way you see yourself! Don’t think I missed how you didn’t believe me when I told you that everyone I know on the Spanish national team likes you and is always looking forward to seeing you,” the blonde elaborated.

You didn’t quite know how to react to such blatant flattery. Most likely this was just Ana being sweet, but you couldn’t lie, it was still nice to hear.

“See, you’re doing it again. You don’t believe me,“  the blonde accused you softly.  

You whipped your head around to look at Ana, shocked that she could read you so easily. Up until now you had always prided yourself on having a good poker face, but apparently the Swiss woman saw right through it.

She didn’t say anything else though, merely smiling at you gently. The silence gave you the time you needed to gather your thoughts. Once again you found yourself being surprisingly honest.

“It’s just because I’m nothing special, I’m just me. I’m too quiet and not very interesting. It’s not like I think everyone hates more or anything. But why would anyone particularly like me?”

In your opinion you had made a good point, but Ana’s eyes were filled with disapproval and sadness on your behalf.

“Because you’re a great person! You always have an open ear for everyone. If there’s anything you can do to help someone, you do it without hesitation. You have such a good heart and you’re so mindful of everyone around you, doing your best to make everyone feel seen and heard.”

“Sure you don’t talk everyone’s ears off as soon as you meet them, but once you’re more comfortable? You tell great stories that always make me feel as if I’m right there with you and I love hearing what you think about things because I can tell that you took your time to form opinions. And to see you speak passionately about the things you care, that’s just something else!”

“Also, I love how much you appreciate the beauty around you. Going somewhere with you is such a treat because you will always point out the pretty flowers, the interesting cloud constellation or the cute dog you see with so much joy and reverence.”

“And let’s not forget that you’re gorgeous. You have the most beautiful and kindest eyes I have ever seen and don’t even get me started about your smile!”

You were overwhelmed by how easily, without even thinking about it first, the Swiss woman managed to list all of these nice qualities. It made you more inclined to believe her. At the very least Ana had you convinced that she meant every word she had said, and that in itself was a good feeling, even if you weren’t convinced all of this was actually, objectively true.

“I could keep talking all night long about all the reasons why I like you so much, but I guess you wouldn’t really appreciate that. So instead I’ll keep bringing it up for as long as you’ll let me be a part of your life, which I’m hoping will be a very long time,” Ana concluded.

“That’s probably a good idea, otherwise you’ll spend the rest of the evening with a tomato head,” you joked.

You had always hated how easily you turned red, your frustration usually only making it worse.

“I wouldn’t complain about that for a second, I find your blushing adorable,” Ana commented, which of course only made you blush even more, but for once you didn’t mind as much.

You arrived at your destination soon after, and you immediately recognized the place from pictures you had seen of Lola and her girlfriend. So the mystery of how the blonde had chosen where to take you was solved. You had never actually been to the restaurant yourself since it was very romantic and mostly frequented by couples, but you had heard good things about it.

By the end of the evening you could definitely confirm that all the praise you had been told about the restaurant was justified. Although in all honesty every place would have felt like heaven to you when it was the location of your first date with Ana.

The conversation stayed mostly light and happy for the first half and hour, both of you enjoying each other’s company and this new and exciting situation. In a lot of ways it wasn’t all that different, you talked as easily as before, the conversation flowing effortlessly. So once again you realized that you had gotten into your heard for nothing. Things weren’t awkward or weird at all, like you had been concerned about.

Sure, there were some differences, all of them positive though; the way you kept slipping from normal conversation into light flirting, how you just gazed deep into each other eyes a few of times, and the way Ana placed her hand onto yours and left it there as long as she possibly could, sighing when she had to retract it because you both needed your hands to eat.

“So do you want to talk about the national team?” You asked, once the last of your nervousness had settled.

Ana shrugged her shoulders unsurely, smile dropping from her face. You had to fight the urge to take it back and apologize for probing; reminding yourself about the conversation you had had after the game against Barcelona. It was okay to ask, and if the Swiss woman actually didn’t want to talk about it, she would tell you. Still, this went entirely against your instinct.

“It’s just such a frustrating situation. Inka is a horrible coach! At least for us, maybe it’s just not a good fit, I don’t know, but for us it doesn’t work. We’re playing badly and the atmosphere at camp isn’t how it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing like what I heard about Spain, but everyone was kind of in a state of constant annoyance and was so happy when we could leave.”

“And the worst thing is that the home Euros is coming closer everyday and I wanted that to be the crowning moment of my career. Maybe that’s selfish, I don’t know, but now? Now I think it’s going to be nightmare, if I even get to go at all,” Ana finished her rant that had began passionate and angry, but fizzled out into something more like helplessness. 

Exactly like after the game against Barcelona the Swiss woman looked drained, her shoulders slumped and her smile no longer reaching her eyes. It made you simultaneously want to give her the longest hug in the world and go and punch Inka in the face.

However, since you were still sitting in the restaurant you settled on reaching over and giving her hand a good squeeze, before doing your best to come up with a good response.

“I’m so sorry things are like that and I’m always here to listen if you need to rant about it or hold you if you need to cry. Trying to keep in your emotions isn’t healthy.”

That was probably one of the most hypocritical things you had ever said, you who always held your emotions in until you felt like imploding. However, theoretically you knew that wasn’t a helpful thing to do, so you weren’t going to advise someone else to do that.

“And I can help you figure out if there’s anything you and the girls can do. I did a lot of reading and looking things up when everything was going down with Spain. Of course it’s a totally different system, but I’m still happy to help out,” you offered.

A soft smile, a real smile, one that made Ana’s eyes shine, returned to the blonde’s face.

“I appreciate how much you care. That means more than I can ever express with words. To be honest we’ve already started looking into what our options are and have been talking with the Swiss federation. So maybe it’s not quite as hopeless as it feels right now. The next few weeks should give us an answer to that,” Ana told you.

You felt some relief at that. Surely there was no way the Swiss federation would be as difficult and idiotic as the Spanish one. Right? Therefore things would hopefully be sorted out before too long and Ana would get the home Euros she deserved.

“That’s good. I’m confident things will turn out okay,” you said with more confidence than you actually felt. But Ana didn’t need to know that. If you were wrong in the end you would deal with it then, right now the best thing you could do was strengthen her hope.

“Yeah?” The Swiss woman double-checked, confirming to you that this was actually the right thing to do.

“Definitely,” you assured her, praying to a god you didn’t believe in that you wouldn’t be proven wrong.

“I think so too,” Ana admitted quietly, as if she was scared to say it too loudly out of fear of jinxing it.

“Now let’s talk about other things. I don’t want Inka to ruin the mood on my date as well, she has done enough of that during camp. How about we focus on your national camp instead? I heard you almost made Jenni rip out her own hair with your cluelessness,” the Swiss woman teased with a big grin.

Your first instinct was to tell Ana that it was totally fine to keep talking about the situation with her national team, that it wouldn’t ruin anything. But then she mentioned Jenni and all the teasing you had endured, and all of the sudden you wanted to beg her to continue talking about the Swiss team. Anything to avoid speaking about how oblivious you had been.

“Come on, let’s be honest Jenni would never rip out her precious hair or do anything else to ruin her looks,” you deflected, basking in the sound of Ana’s laughter. You would never get tired of making the blonde laugh.

You kept up the banter for a bit, before you remembered a specific thing you had been fretting about for the last 24 hours. It probably wasn’t something you should bring up on the first date, or maybe it was exactly the kind of thing you had to mention on the first date. You still hadn’t made up your mind about that.

All you knew was that in that moment, feeling happy and secure in Ana’s presence, you wanted to talk about it. And maybe it was time to do what you wanted more often and worry less about whether it was the ‘normal’ thing to do. What was normal anyway?

“There’s something I need to tell you”, you blurted out, kicking yourself for making it sound so ominous. No one ever said ‘I need to tell you something’ about unimportant stuff.

“Of course, I’m all ears,” Ana replied, smiling at you encouragingly.

“Okay, so…” You swallowed, trying to gather yourself. „I’ve never been in a serious relationship before. I mean I’ve dated and had flings and such, but never a serious long term relationship. And I don’t know it that’s a problem for you. I would totally understand if it was. And maybe I shouldn’t even have brought it up tonight, so I’m sorry if I’m making this awkward. Although if it is a problem then it was probably good I told you today. I…”

“Schatz,” Ana interrupted you. You didn’t really know any German, let alone Swiss German, but you were fairly certain you remembered this one. The use of a sweet pet name relaxed you significantly; she wouldn’t do that if this was in fact a deal breaker.

“I don’t care about that in the slightest. I’ve never been in a relationship with you either, so that will be brand new for me too. We’ll figure it out together,” the Swiss woman promised.

“Together,” you echoed. You loved the sound of that.

---

As time passed and more dates followed it became clear that Ana had been right. Things between the two of you just progressed naturally and not once did you feel out of your depth because of your lack of experience with relationships.

You shared a magical first kiss on a walk through the city after your second date. Ana’s lips felt pleasantly warm on yours in the chilly night air. After that all dams were broken and you spent a lot of time kissing like two hormonal teenagers, slowly or more precisely pretty rapidly moving on to other activities.

After the first time you slept together, the two of you lay in Ana’s bed facing each other. The Swiss woman gently traced her thumb over your forehead and your cheek, looking at you lovingly. Although you did your best to avoid using this word for anything to do with Ana just yet. It was too early to even think about love.

“Are you okay? Was this okay?” The blonde whispered, her eyes serious and for some reason slightly worried.

You stared at her in surprise. Could she not see how happy and satisfied you were, how cherished and lo- adored you felt?

“This was perfect and I feel amazing. You know I had sex before, right?”

Suddenly you weren’t sure if you had been clear about that. Maybe you had given Ana the impression that you weren’t just a relationship virgin, but an all around virgin.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but still this is a big step and I just wanted to check in. It’s different when feelings are involved,” Ana elaborated.

For a moment you just grinned at her like an idiot. If you thought you had been feeling lo-, adored before, it was nothing to how you felt now.

“You’re just the absolute sweetest, tesoro. And you’re totally right, it is different. So much better! I can’t wait to go again, but right now I need some sleep. Someone wore me out.“

You looked at her pointedly, but that quickly changed into a smile when you saw how proud of herself Ana looked.

“In that case, sleep, mi Schatz. Because I definitely need you to be ready for another round soon,” Ana said, pulling you against her and kissing your forehead.

It took you all of five seconds before you fell into a peaceful slumber, your face buried in Ana’s neck.

---

However, you were right too, about everything sorting itself out with the Swiss national team. You were eating lunch at Real’s training ground when you heard, willing the time to move faster because tonight you would finally see Ana again. The two of you hadn’t been able to meet up the last few days because of insanely busy and conflicting schedules.

So when your phone buzzed with a message from Ana your heart fluttered happily. Hearing from her was always the highlight of your day. Things at Real were still less than ideal. You didn’t feel connected to the team, most of them still seeing you as ‘that Altético player’.

You were well aware that you were to blame for that as much as anyone, maybe even more so. Your efforts to integrate into the team had been minimal to say the least. And you felt a fair bit of anger at yourself for being so unprofessional, but somehow that still wasn’t enough to change anything. You just didn’t want to be there. It was as simple as that. And you could pretend, but you couldn’t change your actual feeling.

Day after day you forced yourself to be perfectly punctual, train hard, listen to the game plans and analyses, but there was no joy to any of it. Not even when you played games, something that you had always loved before. You were simply going through the motions.

At least you were having a pretty good season; otherwise your disappointment with yourself would have been through the roof.

When you checked your phone you saw that it was a screenshot announcing Inka’s departure from the Swiss national team. A happy squeal escaped you, everyone turning to look at you. It wasn’t like you to be loud, especially not in a cheerful way.

“What is it?” Misa asked curiously.

You simply showed her your phone, a smile appearing on the goalkeeper’s face.

“This is great news,” she agreed.

“Amazing news,” you corrected.

Now you were even more excited to see Ana later that night and celebrate this special occasion.

You were happy that you had decided to meet up at your place; this gave you the opportunity to prepare something special. However, you didn’t have much time, so you found yourself standing in the store after training looking around frantically and blanking on what to do.

The first idea that came to mind was to get a cake with a message like ‘She’s gone!’ on it. But you seriously doubted that you would get one on such short notice. Also a whole cake for just the two of you didn’t sound like a good plan.

So maybe just a card? What kind of card though? You had some strong suspicions that there wasn’t anything like an ‘I’m so happy you got rid of your stupid national coach’-card. 

You could practically feel the seconds ticking by, getting more and more anxious by the minute. Time was running out and you still didn’t have the slightest idea what to do.

Noticing how tense you had become you forced yourself to exhale slowly and relax your body, starting with your jaw and slowly progressing downwards. There was no reason to get so stressed about this. Ana wouldn’t expect any grand gestures; you wouldn’t disappoint here no matter what you did or didn’t do.

As you calmed down the fog in your brain lifted and you regained the ability to make decisions. After having a swift look around you settled on buying the ingredients for Ana’s favorite meal, as well as two caramel cupcakes. As a last minute decision you added two candles to put on the cupcakes, one an I and one a G. This way you could literally get the satisfaction of seeing Inka Gring’s legacy go up in smoke.

Later that evening Ana arrived at your apartment with a bright smile on her face and some extra pep in her steps. She immediately pulled you into a tight hug, rocking the both of you excitedly from side to side.

“I’m so happy for you,” you told her, leaning back slightly to beam at her, before getting closer again and peppering her face with light kisses. 

This made Ana giggle. “And you know what makes me happy?” She gasped.

You stopped your kisses and tilted your head, unsure of where the Swiss woman was going this. It didn’t seem like the kind of question she would ask if the answer was the obvious one; Inka leaving.  

“That you are so happy for me. It means the world  to me that you care so deeply, about both the good and the bad things happening in my life,” Ana clarified.

A blush cropped up on your face and you moved to hide your face in Ana’s neck, but the Swiss woman gently stopped you

“Don’t. You know I love your blush,” she murmured, placing her hands on your slightly pink cheeks and taking in every inch of your face. “So beautiful.”

Of course that only made you blush more. Ana winked at you, but didn’t stop you when you once again stepped forward to bury your face in her shoulder.

The two of you spent a nice evening together; spirits were high all around thanks to the good news. Ana showered you in compliments for your cooking and when you brought out the cupcakes she burst into laughter.

“I love this! Like a cleansing from Inka,” she said in between laughing.

“Shhh, this is a serious matter,” you chastised her playfully.

“Oh sorry,” the blonde replied, forcing a solemn expression onto her face.

However, it only lasted for all of five seconds before the huge smile that had been on her face all night long returned. You wouldn’t be complaining about that though. A happy Ana made you happy.

“To the end of the unfortunate Inka-area and to a better future for your national team,” you announced, lighting the two candles on fire. “Make a wish!”

Ana leaned forward and blew out the candles with closed eyes. Then she turned to you. “Do you want to know what I wished for?”

You shook your head firmly. “No! Otherwise it won’t come true.”

Ana smirked. “Too bad because it involves you.”

“Wait really? Then I change my mind and want to know,” you backtracked, mentally running through everything she could have wished for.

“Nope, too late,” the Swiss woman informed you.

“Meeeeeaaaaan,” you complained.

Ana just grinned at you, shrugged her shoulders and took a big bite of her cupcake.

When you continued to pout at her, she offered you a compromise, “Fine, I’ll tell you when it comes true, okay? And now enough with the puppy dog eyes. Otherwise I might crack and tell you right now and then we’ll both be at fault when it doesn’t come true.”

“Sounds good to me,” you agreed, biting into your own cupcake with gusto.

And honestly just knowing that Ana had made a wish that included you warmed you heart. It was nice to be such a big part of someone else’s life, someone other than your parents that was. But you wouldn’t think about them right now, nothing was allowed to taint this moment.

Instead of dwelling on your thoughts you looked up at Ana happily chewing the last bite of her cupcake.

“I love you,” you blurted out without thinking about it.

Once the words had left your mouth you instantly regretted them. Not that they weren’t true, they absolutely were, but you hadn’t said them to each other yet. So what if Ana didn’t feel the same and you just ruined this perfect moment? Or even worse, everything!

At least Ana was still smiling at you, that was probably a good sign. If she was going to leave right then and there she wouldn’t smile. Right?

“I love you too,” the Swiss woman simply said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  

“Really?” You couldn’t help but ask.

Ana got up and came over to your side of the table. She grabbed your hands, softly pulling you up so you were on eye level.

“Of course I love you. How could I not? I guess we still have some work to do until you see yourself the way I see you, as such an amazing, good-hearted, beautiful person,” she told you earnestly.

“I really love you.” It was the only thing that came to mind, Ana’s compliments once again overwhelming you.

“That’s good because I really love you too,” the blonde replied with a chuckle, gathering you into her arms. “And I won’t rest until you love yourself too , exactly the way that you deserve.”

You just snuggled even closer into Ana, a deep calmness filling you up from head to toe. It wasn’t something you were used to, usually there was always some anxiety running in the background. However, the blonde brought you so much peace.

It was something you had never expected before you experienced it yourself. You had always thought love would be all excited butterflies and exuberance. There was some of that of course, but also this all-encompassing calmness, that was in many ways even better than all of the excitement.

[nectardaddy]

falling - inumaki toge

cw: language, drinking, drinking in anxious situations, drunkenness, allusion to bickering/arguing, really cheesy flirting lol

notes: written with fem in mind (no pronouns used though), ex inumaki, non-curse au (we got him speaking lads!!), giving college au vibes, request by @inumakisser I changed a few things up though oof, I also just kinda gave up on editing at the end so if you see mistakes in the last couple of paragraphs no you didn't

"Is that who I think it is?"

Turning your attention towards the feminine voice, you raised a brow to the red head next to you. Rolling her eyes as she saw you look to her instead, she motioned towards the figure adjacent to the doorway. "Yuuji- you didn't," she warned.

"Ah fuck," the man began, groaning as he sat back in his chair further. "I always invite him," he began lowly, earning a sharp smack to his head from the woman next to you. Letting out a yelp, and holding his head, and tried to defend himself. "He's never shown up before! How was I supposed to know this time was different?" Another smack, "ouch! Jesus, Nobara! Okkotsu probably forced him out, not me!"

Tracking their gaze, your heart sank to your stomach to the figure that stood adjacent to the doorway. Platinum hair and stark violet eyes catching your attention, you suddenly felt incredibly small. "I need another drink," you suggested to the pair, desperately trying to shy away from your own emotions.

The red head let a chuckle pass her lips before rising from her seat, offering her hand out to you as she did. "Forget the drink, let's get you a shot!" Smiling at you through her words, "hell, get drunk and find a whole other guy - forget about him." Her words earned a cheer from Yuuji, but you contemplated leaving the party all together.

It was easy to say forget, but once put into motion was incredibly difficult. It had been three months since you had even seen the man, whisking himself away as if it were too easy. Leaving your heart in shambles, a rather nasty break, that Toge seemed all too comfortable with. He never texted, never called; while you yearned on late nights to do only that. It was as if you were a complete stranger again - a stranger that still, after all this time, had feelings for him.

"Fuck it," you shrugged and cast your eyes upward to the woman. "Let's get drunk," you announced with a chuckle, finally deciding to take her hand.

As the night continued on, as did your growing intoxication. The effects of the shots and drinks Nobara, relentlessly, handed you, hit you in your now swimming mind. Your eyes were blurry and your skin felt scorched, the sticky, humid air around you clinging to you. It was, supposedly, a small party; the people that drunkenly lined the walls and danced amongst the living room proved otherwise. It made the room inconceivably warm, too many people in such a small area.

Nobara was no where to be found, gone off with Maki earlier and hadn't yet returned. Yuuji on the otherhand, sustained his presence with you, a cheerful smile the entire time. However, the poor soul hadn't found his tolerance for alcohol, finding himself draped across a couch at his own party, completely out cold. With a sigh, and another sip of the liquid what only further made you woozy, you leaned against the wall.

"I'm surprised you're here. You always hated parties," a lower voice next to you catching your attention. Turning, much to your dismay, you saw the only man you fervently did not wish to speak to. Slender fingers wrapping around a bottle, and violet eyes looking you over. You wished you had felt more anger in the moment; something, anything, other than the void of emotion. Too drunk to care, but too drunk not to say something.

"Says the guy who never went to them," you quipped. "A shut in can't critique a wallflower." You couldn't hide your obvious intoxication, booze hindering your speech to slow, methodical statements rather than sly, quick witted, remarks. Part of you wanted to step away right then and there, the other desperately craving any conversation the man would allow.

"Yikes," he grimaced, now placing himself next to you. A foot of distance between the two of you didn't feel like enough, truly you wanted him as far away as possible. "I'll give you that one," he spoke, tipping the bottle to his lips before sighing. "How have you been?"

"Did you really come over here to ask that, Inumaki?" You asked, taking a small breath and letting out through your mouth. The huff of air, and use of his last name, caused him to recoil subtlety, internally regretting his own decision to come speak to you. The conversation, or lack there of, gave you a sense of panic. Not knowing what he wanted, as it surely had to be something, you took a large sip of the contents in your cup.

He watched as you tipped the cup back, taking down the liquid as if it were your lifeline in the moment. He knew better than to speak to it; he couldn't tease or poke fun anymore, knowing it might very well lead to a slap in the face. So he sucked in a breath through his teeth, swallowed his pride, and faced his reality. Toge wanted nothing more than to talk to you again, craving it so deeply it itched. But he could never find the right words, how could he possibly when things ended so terribly? "I'm regretting it now," he mumbled.

You only managed to let a hum pass your lips, biting the side of your cheek as to not let anything further slip. You wanted to tear into him, rip him piece by piece with your words - just like old times. But now you didn't want to give him the satisfaction of merely pissing you off. Without a second thought you tipped your cup to your lips once more. Sipping the drink, the tangy taste of shitty fruit punch and liquor invaded your senses.

He noticed as you blinked hard from the taste, watching you teeter from foot to foot to keep yourself stable, and knew your words were sluggish and off. "Jeez- you're fucking trashed, aren't you?" He asked, genuinely not meaning for the words to leave so harshly. "You ok?"

"You're caring now?" You proded, your words biting a bit harder than you first imagined. "I didn't know you knew how to do that. Why's it matter anyway?" You shrugged, looking over to him with blurred vision.

"I've always cared," he retorted. "Don't be such a-"

There was a moment of pause between the two of you, a heavy silence hitting you both from the weight of the words, or lack thereof. He desperately wanted to back track the conversation, to take all of his sly remarks back - too late now. He knew it was too late as he heard a laugh pass your lips, a pained chuckle forcing its way out from his words. "Bitch?" You asked rhetorically, "go ahead and say it. Didn't stop you before."

"Alright, alright" he began before taking a small breath. "There's a lot of things I shouldn't have done," he admitted begrudgingly. "But that's a conversation to have when you're not piss drunk." Albeit, he didn't want to have the conversation at all. The feelings that prickled inside from having to admit his wrong doings made him wretch, add alcohol to the mix and he wanted to vomit right then and there.

"I can't believe I actually missed you," a drunken slip of the tongue, the statement so casually leaving your lips. Realizing immediately what you had uttered, you closed your eyes and groaned. You wanted to regret saying it, but the gentle nag at your heart said differently. Completely blitzed, you couldn't find a single care in the world left on what you said. "Seems stupid admitting it out loud," you chuckled, a silly, alcohol induced, smile on your lips.

He felt his shoulders slump at your statement, realizing you didn't feel much different than he. Two idiots still hopelessly attached to each other despite such a murky break; a classic situation of 'right person, incredibly wrong time.' While he wasn't inebrietated, the bottle in his hands warm as he held onto it throughout the night, he felt his mind scatter at the thought. "It's not stupid," speaking as he shook his head. "You always were a sap," he added, a smirk daring to grace his lips. He toed the line gently, testing waters to see if he dared tease you once more.

"What does that make you?" You asked, deciding against your better judgement to play along. But he made it so easy, so comfortable, an aura so warm and inviting he made it hard to stray away from - ex lover or not.

"A god damn moron for letting you go," he spoke with a small chuckle. But he was far from comedic with the sentiment. He missed you whether he liked it or not, an urge so deep down in his soul he simply couldn't ignore it. He often found himself wanting to call, to text, to simply do something; he second guessed himself often. He didn't want to be that guy, more often than not believing he would make matters worse if he were to speak to you.

"Oh-" you snorted, "that was smooth I'll give you that." Your musings made him chuckle in response, leaning against the wall next to you and feeling a bit less on edge. "I still miss you, y'know?" Liquid luck was the only reason you allowed yourself to say such things, sobriety would have you double down and wholeheartedly deny as such. "Dumbass," you added with a small, genuine smile.

"Yeah?" He asked rhetorically, a playful smile pulling at his lips. "This is a first. You compliment my pickup lines and you say you miss me?" His teasing tone returned, one of which he thought he could never have again with you. He would be lying if he said it didn't make his heart swell.

"I can take it back, Toge," you quipped, and to his words you tried to nudge him, but you drunkenly misjudged his distance from you. Although he wasn't far from you, the distance was enough that your body weight started to fall from the lack of contact with him. He quickly grabbed your arm to center you, but couldn't help himself as a loud laugh passed his lips.

"The jokes write themselves!" He spoke between laughs, "looks like you're falling for me again," he noted between giggles. He watched as you shot him a mischievous glare, resulting in him only laughing more. "Oh come on, I never stopped falling for you," he admitted with a smile. "Was only a matter of time before you did it too."

might make a part 2?? idk but I really enjoyed writing this!!

[r0ttenhearts]

cold heart

xiao x reader

sypnosis: with a new job as the desk secretary for the wangshu inn, you meet a very reserved xiao who seems to open up to you.

warnings: angst, no comfort, situationship-ish, abandonment

summer in liyue was always something you looked forward to every year. but this year you wouldn’t be enjoying the summer heat that liyue had to offer, instead you’d be enjoying the view from high above at the wangshu inn. your summer job manning the desk was just something you decided to pick up as your summer seemed to be isolating at home. with no one to talk to, your early summer days had all blended into one loop you couldn’t stand. so, here you were. seated at the desk with paperwork in front of you.

you didn’t have much complaints about your job, it was light and easy, and came with its own perks like free lunch down below where you worked. but something interested you more than the free lunch.

a boy with teal hair and piercing golden eyes. he seemed to take up most of your daydreams lately. he had introduced himself to you the first day you came to work here, coming to chat a few times here and there, but never staying for long. he reminded you of a cat almost. skittish but free.

lately he has been visiting you more and more often during your shift. you two seemed to never run out of things to talk about. time passed by quickly when you were with him, but your heart ached with his absence that would always inevitably come. silly girl, crushing on the wangshu inn’s yaksha.

you sighed, checking the time as the sun was setting. xiao hadn’t come by today, something unusual from your now daily routine. the aching, sinking feeling sat in the pit of your stomach. the same feeling you would get at home before you got this job.

your chair squeaked noisily against the wooden floors as you pushed your seat back, going up to the balcony for a view of the setting sun. the sunset during the hot summer season always seemed to comfort you.

resting your cheek against your palm lazily, you wondering what xiao was doing as you gazed at the sky. had he gotten busy with one of his tasks for zhongli? or did he just not want to see you?

“you appear lost in thought.”

your eyes widened as your head whipped to the side. there he was. the man who haunted your dreams.

“xiao! where have you been?”

you worriedly scanned his features for any sign of injury.

“i apologize, (y/n). a job for morax ran longer than i anticipated.”

xiao gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze as he looked back out to the sky in front of him.

“no one has ever seemed so anxious for my arrival as you have, (y/n).” xiao spoke quietly.

anxiety bubbled in your chest, was he upset or annoyed by this? you wrung your hands nervously under the wooden balcony. “im sorry if that bothers you xiao.”

xiao laughed at your nervous response. “nonsense, (y/n). it pleases me that someone seems so.. happy to see me.” xiao turned his attention to you now, the setting sun turning from dusk to night. “you know, my heart is very small and cold as i don’t hold much interest in others or anything at all. but i promise you, (y/n), you have a cozy spot deep within my heart.”

that warm sensation you always felt whenever you were with him seemed to amplify with his words. he never voiced any of this to you before. it was a nice surprise.

“you have a spot in my heart too, xiao. i’m happy it’s a mutual feeling.” you smiled gently at him, noticing him inching closer to you. he pulled you by your arm gently, embracing you.

you had never gotten this close to him before as he shyed away from most close interactions. but you could feel so much with this new development. you could feel his warmth, the smell of his hair, and the beating of your heart.

“i care so much for you, (y/n). i hope you know that” xiao whispered before gently kissing your head, taking a step back and disappearing into mist.

this time you didn’t feel an ache in your heart, but excitement for your newfound progression in your relationship with xiao. your head felt light and “fuzz” almost, this warm feeling consuming your being.

you went home that night with a skip in your step, looking forward to your next day of work. how silly it was to you, looking forward to a job for some boy. you had never found yourself looking forward to such things before.

xiao would arrive at his usual time the next day, with a bowl of almond tofu in his hands. you both sat together and had lunch, discussing your plans for the coming weekend.

“so, (y/n).” you looked up at him from your plate of matsutake meat rolls. “there is a performance i plan on attending at the zubayr theatre in sumeru. i was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to it.”

you nodded immediately, “yes, of course i’ll go with you.”

excitement racked your entire being. xiao invited you to an outing? and outside of the inn? your heart raced with the possibilities of what could happen between you both as you got ready for the performance the next day.

xiao showed up at your doorstep, a small smile on his face as he asked you if you were ready to go. with a small nod of your head, his slender fingers gripped onto you tightly, holding you against his side, and in a blink of your eyes you found yourself in front of the theatre.

you had been here before a few times, but your visits to other regions had been few and very spaced out. but this time you had something to remember it better.

xiao took your hand, leading you inside as you both made your way to the front row. in the glistening of the theatre, xiao looked ethereal. his teal hair framing his face perfectly, his eyes shimmering with excitement as dancers walked on stage. you were more enamored with him than the performance.

it was a side of xiao you had never seen before. genuine excitement on his face as he squeezed your hand. you both watched as the dancers floated across the stage, in sync, silks fluttering with their movement.

applause erupted from xiao’s hands as the performance ended, standing up and clapping for the dancers. you stood up, clapping next to him, noticing a small grin on his face when you both met each others eyes for the first time since the performance started.

“that was beautiful.” you remarked as you both walked outside the theatre. “thank you for inviting me to come and see it.”

xiao nodded, taking your hand once more. “they have shows every friday evening. i always come to see them, maybe you’d like to accompany me to more of them?” he asked quietly, gazing at you as you looked ahead. you turned your head, meeting his gaze as you smiled, “i’d really love to come to more of these, i really enjoyed it.” xiao nodded, a smile on his face as he squeezed your hand before pulling you close to him once more.

you closed your eyes at the sudden movement, only to see your front door once you opened them. “have a good night, (y/n).” xiao kissed your cheek briefly before disappearing once again. your fingertips ghosted over the cheek that he kissed. you were looking forward to more of these special moments shared with him.

two months passed by in a breeze, every friday you’d go to the theatre with xiao. but now he spent his weekends at your place. small pecks on the lip and cheek became a greeting between you both, and disk never shyed away from holding your hand whenever you both had an outing to attend to together. but even with these small affections, he still never seemed to being up a label between you both. clearly there was something there, right? but you both hadn’t dared to say the three words you associated with each other. i love you. a short but powerful phrase. and it hasn’t left either of your lips.

the thought made you anxious. just what were you doing if it wasn’t more than companionship? so, you made up your mind. you’d bring up the conversation at lunch before the usual friday plans.

time seemed to slow as the hours dredged until lunch. how would he respond to your question? would he push you away, or pull you closer? the thought ate away at you, and xiao noticed. a gentle question of what was wrong left his lips, but you reassured him it was nothing.

it wasn’t nothing when the question left your lips, “what are we, xiao?” xiao choked on his almond tofu the second you finished your question. “what do you mean, (y/n)?”

“you know..” you waved a hand between you both. “what is my relationship to you? what do you think of me as?” you asked anxiously.

“we’re friends of course.” xiao replied. you nodded at his response, suddenly feeling sick. you didn’t have much of an appetite anymore as xiao finished his bowl. you both cleared your dishes, walking back to the front desk as you had to return to your duties.

xiao walked alongside you now, not taking your hand. you didn’t voice it, only commenting how humid the air seemed today. you chatted anxiously about liyue and the upcoming festival in inazuma as you both walked up the steps, turning the corner back to the front desk, you noticed how much quieter it got. you glanced to your side and noticed xiao was now gone.

“xiao?”

you retraced your steps, only to find no sign of him. you frowned, biting your lip nervously. maybe zhongli called him for a job to take care of, you’d be seeing him later tonight anyway. right?

“calm down (y/n). he isn’t like that, he’ll be back.” you mumbled to yourself as you got back to work.

but how wrong could you have been. you went home by yourself, getting ready and waiting by the door for xiao’s gentle knocks. but those knocks would never come. the clock read 2:38 am as you sighed, soaking in your bathtub as you thought over the day. it had been your first day alone in a little over two months. you forgot how much you hated your own silence.

“i feel so stupid.” you said out loud to no one in particular, burying your face into your knees. your dependence with him was showing, and it made you feel oh so weak. the absence of one person was enough to shake you and cause turmoil to spew in your head once more.

you went to bed that night hoping xiao would turn up the next day and continue the routine you both had shared for some time now. you hoped with everything in you that he was just busy. something came up. it wasn’t because of the question you had asked him. he had… matters to attend to. that’s all it was!

your hope would be short lived as the weekend came and went with no sign of xiao. you sighed shakily at the front desk of the inn that following monday. your nails were chewed raw, lips slightly bleeding as they had suffered the same fate. xiao hadn’t shown up at his usual time today either.

“i can’t do this.” you thought to yourself as you stood up from your seat. that anxious sinking feeling was starting to consume you. afraid that the feeling would only escalate, you decided to walk around the inn to calm your nerves. you walked down the steps and back up to the balcony, finally catching a glimpse of the teal haired man.

“xiao! i was so worried about you. what happened? why didn’t you come?” you grabbed his arm as questions seemed to pour out of you. xiao smiled gently, taking your hand from his shoulder and squeezing them in the palms of his own.

“i apologize, my dear. i wasn’t feeling well.” you nodded as you hugged him tightly, quite seemingly throwing yourself into his embrace. “i was so worried.” your voice was muffled against his chest as he stroked your head. “i’m very sorry, (y/n).. i’ll make it up to you. i’ll come over with you today if you’d like.”

you looked at him and nodded, “i’d really like that, xiao.” you smiled.

xiao spent the rest of your shift by your side. he told you of his tasks zhongli had assigned him and the pesky hilichurl camps he had to clear earlier in the day.

you were nothing but smiles as the day ended, with xiao by your side as you both now walked on the path that led to your home. again, he didn’t hold your hand but you assumed it was nothing. you’d be spending the new few hours with him anyway.

you both chatted about plans after summer ended, and how you wished to continue your job at the inn to see him once it did. he shared the same thoughts on the matter to your relief. as you both stopped in front of your door, you smiled at xiao as you turned your attention to your bag, fishing out your keys from the bottom, you unlocked the door.

you sighed happily and threw your bag to the side of the door, stepping to the side and holding onto the door. “welcome home!” you spoke cheerily, only to hear no footsteps. you looked at your doorway only to find the teal haired man gone. “xiao?”

you stepped outside, looking around anxiously. he was gone. he left again. that sick nauseating anxiety seemed to come back full force, hitting you like a truck. you slammed your door shut, sitting against it with shaky breaths leaving your lips. attachment consumed your being, xiao was your blessing and vice.

“calm down, calm down.” you mumbled to yourself . but even you could see how your hands shook, and the cold that consumed your body. the summer heat of liyue couldn’t warm you now.

you went to bed that night with a heavy heart, thoughts of xiao haunting your restless sleep. xiao didnt make it easier on you either. he decided to make himself scarce for the following month and a half. the only times you’d see him was enough to get a glimpse, only for him to disappear again. you couldn’t remember how many nights you’d spent weeping over the whole ordeal.

with the summer coming to a close, you decided you had to try one last time. would you wait for him? or confront him?

for the sake of your own anxieties, you chose the latter. a small favor was asked of your friend, zhongli, as you waited patiently on the balcony for xiao. to your surprise, he did show up. but he wouldn’t look at you. he refused to meet your eyes as he stared out into the sunset.

“you requested to speak to me?” xiao spoke coldly.

“xiao.. just what happened? why did you grow quiet? did i say or do something? please, i just want an answer..” you trailed off as you took a step closer to him, only for him to take a step back. “i.. i still haven’t renewed my contract to continue working here.. i thought i’d ask you before i made any final decisions.. because we talked about it before..” you spoke quietly.

“it matters not if you continue working here or not, rather your presence makes no difference to me. i forgot how much i enjoyed my own company and time rather than with someone else. that’s all it was. now, if that’s all i’d rather be doing something else than speaking on such trivial nonsense.” xiao’s monotone voice spat like venom.

the realization that the summer you shared with him was gone now came to you. the xiao you once knew was long gone. or maybe he never existed at all.

you knew better than to fight him, better than to give him the satisfaction of your emotions. you only nodded quietly before stepping away, leaving him behind as quickly as you could.

you went on to cancel your contract with the inn, opting for the solidarity of your home once more. you made sure to never step near the inn, even with the lantern rite festival soon after. the few times you’d see xiao after that conversation, his gaze seemed to linger a bit too long for your liking, as you always turned away from him. never allowing him to come close enough. you wouldn’t notice the yaksha hiding in the mountains near your home, watching you arrive home on the days he once shared with you. was it regret he was feeling? or was it the actions of another being he couldn’t explain to you about?

the start of a sweet summer only to end in flames was all you knew.

taglist: @samarill @sakiimeo @astrolomona @dearsumire @saeism @jaderose18 @lelemnh @linkookie197 @xiaonscaraswife @foxlover1144 @reblog-crazily @gh0sts0up @darliingyu @kuronvshi @maxineslair @kenmabfasf @atanukileaf @jihyuniepark @chiisananingen @just-anotherbookworm

[thatsmzbitchtoyou]

The Fuck Up Chapter 1

Summary:  Bucky fucked up.  A few times.  Will his best friend ever be able to forgive him?

Warnings: language, smut, mentions of war, injury, pregnancy

Y/N and Bucky had been best friends since they were teenagers. They met on the first day of high school in English, both groaning over the fact that the assigned reading was The Grapes of Wrath, considered an American classic but an incredibly boring read. They were paired up in a project together and became inseparable ever since. Y/N had no family, having been passed from foster home to foster home until finally being placed with the family she was with now who were willing to keep her. She had a hard time trusting people, and Bucky liked a challenge. They quickly became the most important people in each other’s lives. They were teased about dating each other, and as much as they each had moments of having more romantic feelings towards the other, nothing had ever come to full fruition. Bucky’s family took Y/N in and treated her like their own. Even with her new adopted family, she had never felt so loved in her life.

After high school they had planned to go to college together, but the housing market crashed and Bucky’s parents, Winifred and George, had to use his and his sister Becca’s college funds to keep their house, and no companies were giving out scholarships as they all tried to protect their assets. Y/N had been able to use a grant system to get into college. Bucky came from a military family, and although he had had no plans of ever joining, it seemed he had run out of options. He enlisted in the Marines. Y/N was upset, not wanting him to risk his life, but understood. She supported him as he went through boot camp and then the rigorous special operations training, but the military was hard on him. Bucky had always been an emotional person, and Y/N hated watching him have to deal with the PTSD and the group mindset that the military instilled in him, changing him from the happy-go-lucky kid she’d known to an anxious, trauma-ridden mess. She finished college and got a digital marketing degree, working for a major online company while doing some photography as a side hustle.

Twelve years later they were both in their thirties, barely getting to see each other but keeping in touch. Bucky had had a few close calls while on special ops the last few years and his family was pushing him to not re-enlist.

“Please, Buck, no more,” Winifred begged him. “You’ve served your country well. You’ve almost died three times over the last few years. Please stay,” she cried as he looked at the re-enlistment papers.

“I know, Ma, I know,” Bucky sighed, setting them down. “I…I just feel like I got one more tour left in me. I need to do this.”

“Hey everybody!” Y/N called as she entered the house.

Winifred spun around. “Y/N! Come here please!”

Y/N followed her voice to the kitchen. “Hey Winnie…wait,” she looked between them. “What’s wrong?”

“Bucky is thinking of re-enlisting,” Winifred said, sniffling sadly.

The look on Y/N’s face when her head snapped towards him made him flinch. “You…” she stuttered, her eyes wide and her brow furrowed. “You just got back.”

“I know, honey,” Bucky walked up to her and grabbed her arms. “I just need to do this. One more tour.”

“No,” she replied, pulling away from him. “You said you were done. We wrote to each other about it. You promised me,” Y/N’s eyes started to fill with tears.

“Please don’t cry, Y/N,” Bucky begged. “I can’t handle it when you cry.”

“Well that’s TOO DAMN BAD!” Y/N screamed at him. Bucky stepped back, surprised by her reaction. Winifred gasped, also shocked by her outburst. Y/N was not one to normally get emotional or react out loud to things. Y/N shook her head and closed her eyes, trying to breathe normally as her hands clenched at her sides. “You promised me,” she whispered.

Bucky sighed and bit his bottom lip. “Y/N, please understand—”

“No, you need to understand something,” she interrupted him, her eyes opening and glaring at him. “I don’t know where this weird obsession came from with you wanting to run into danger. You joined the military so you could get help with college. But then you re-enlisted, and re-enlisted. And now you have this codependent relationship with an organization, in a government, in a country, that doesn’t care about you!” She walked closer to him until she was toe to toe with him. “You are just another body to them. If and when you die, they’ll easily replace you. We can’t replace you!” She gestured to Winifred and herself. “I need you,” she cried, the tears finally falling down her cheeks. “You are wanted, appreciated, and loved here, at home. Why is that not enough?”

“It is enough,” Bucky said, blinking rapidly to stop any of his own tears falling.

“Obviously not,” Y/N whimpered, her chin wobbling as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. “I can’t…I can’t do this,” she whirled around and left the way she came.

“Y/N, hey wait,” Bucky called after her, following her to the front door. “Come on, honey, please don’t leave, let’s talk about this!” Y/N didn’t answer him, continuing to walk through the front door and out to her car. “Y/N…honey please!” She didn’t even spare him a glance as she got in her car. He tried opening her door, but she had already locked it. She quickly backed up and left his parents’ house, her tires screeching as she peeled down the street. “Fuck,” Bucky grumbled, running his hands through his hair.

He knew she was right, that it was stupid of him to re-enlist and put himself in harm's way. He had made a lifelong friendship in the military, and through some misguided idea of brotherhood had promised his friend he’d come back for another tour and join him for more special ops. But he had also promised his girl he’d be done after this last time. His girl?

**picture found on Pinterest...can we all agree that A.I. is dangerous just for this picture alone? #buckywiththelonghair

[natreads]

I got a job as a bookseller!!!

[bunnihearted]

☁️🌷

[toastsnaffler]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

[floral-hex]

Two hours. I got two hours of sleep. I’m so frustrated with myself.

Went to the ER. Everyone was very nice. They gave me an IV bag of fluids (I was dehydrated! Sad cactus!) and a little ativan (teeny dose), which was nice at the time! Just a little amount, but the (mostly) quiet room, fluids, and meds managed to relax me a lot. Could have fallen asleep if the bed was actually comfortable. Then they packed me up, gave me another little Ativan to take home for tonight, and said they’d contact my primary. Cool cool. Got some much needed food on the way home, then took the pill and got comfy. Again, smallest dosage they make, so no feeling too good. Managed to muscle past my anxiety to fall asleep, and… 2 hours. Woke up. Tried to go back to sleep. Too frustrated and anxious and I feel like crap. What should I do? Just eat a whole gummy and hope that knocks me out? For me, that feels like playing roulette. Could work, yeah. Could make me sleepy and pliable. Could also backfire and make me feel sick and extra anxious for another 5 or 6 hours. What do I do? Roll back up to the ER? “Hewwo, I woke up and I need more benzos 👉👈🥺” haha funny, but I’ve seriously been thinking about it 😑

God, I’m miserable. Been sitting outside on the porch for a bit. Not quite an hour. Needed to get out of the apartment, but tbh, nearly 4am outside isn’t doing much for me. I just feel alone. It wouldn’t help with sleeping, per se, but just someone, I dunno, hugging or holding me for a few minutes would honestly save me a little. What a mess. Oh yeah, and apparently my kidneys are going 👎👎👎 down. Bad meat. Not great test results. Not what I’m focusing on tonight. I’m a mess. Anyway, this was my update. Sorry for all the walls of text. Suppose this is mainly for me to look back on in the future, but can’t pretend it’s not at least a little validating to put this all out into the world and knowing that maybe one or two people read this and I didn’t suffer completely without recognition. Yeah…

[darkwood-sleddog]

kinda snowballing off that post and also bringing in what my vet said a few months ago about being surprised that my dogs are so nice and easy to handle 'for malamutes'

the idea that working bred dogs cannot be friendly with people (to their breeds ideal bc let's be honest golden friendliness is different than collie friendliness is different than husky friendliness etc.) is such a weird perception to me and a troubling position to see my fellow working sled dog peers take.

Like "oh they didn't do well at the show because they're working dogs." you say in a ring full of other working dogs and it's not even the question of "is this dog socialized to this or not?" because certainly my working breeder (whose dogs are highly titled in work in the breed) does not prioritize some of the situations my working pet dogs are put in by me, but they did not need to be heavily socialized to these situations to navigate them.

They have never been even remotely wary of a stranger and even though they have no show experience and never will I know that the only thing they'd struggle with in the ring would be stacking for long periods of time. Not being around other dogs of the same gender even though they are selective, not the poking and prodding. Yes, even my dog that is too naturally anxious to be breeding quality.

My dogs are a primitive breed and modern expectations of dog behavior doesn't often line up with their naturally occurring behaviors. They're loud, they wrestle too hard for many other dog breeds, they prefer a strict routine of respectful behavior and body language from other dogs -and yes the modern expectation they should act no differently than a golden is ridiculous- but despite not meeting these societal expectations i can bring my dogs to a restaurant or to the hardware store with me, my dogs greet children gently even though they've had limited exposure, even when they don't love what's being done to them at the vet they are able to be safely handled and none of that takes away from their working ability.

[thethingything]

had to lay down. woke up at nearly 7am. got overwhelmed by our sleep schedule once again being fucked because yesterday we actually went to bed at roughly the right time and thought "oh this is great we've fixed it". decided that we're just gonna deal with it and it'll be fine. and then our brain decided that no actually we're gonna have a combination of emotions that's maybe gonna give me another breakdown if I can't figure out how to deal with them but I have no fucking clue what to do with them

[human-leather-hat-appreciator]

Hey guys, it's normal that when you want to talk to someone about something you're passionate about, you are unable to do it because you don't know how to talk to someone in person rather than text, right?

[pepprs]

hi update still having an absolutely terrible time

[vulcanette]

truly, Fred Durst. It’s just one of those days!

[murobrown]

.

[satoruxx]

thinking about since canonically Geto is more popular with girls than Gojo he’s gotten used to them looking past him to get to Geto but what if Gojo and Geto are out for drinks with the other teachers one night and he gets approached by the reader but he thinks she’s just coming over to ask him for Geto’s number and so he prepares his ‘responsible best friend’ act and then SHE ASKS ABOUT HIM INSTEAD, ALL BLUSHY AND STUFF BECAUSE HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA BRUSH HER OFF

AHH I LOVE HIM SM 😔😔😔

pairing: gojo satoru x reader | 1k words summary: fluff, pining, reader is a simp but same, satoru is a good wingman but he needs attention too, au ig bc suguru's alive LMAO, idiots in love? rheya's note: oh my god shut up this is so cute and YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT??? i can just imagine that he's gotten so used to judging whether or not the person is even worth suguru's attention before deciding to pass on his info...and after a while his brain just defaults to thinking that everyone wants suguru but he FORGETS that there are gojo girlies out there (me asf) !! thanks for the ask nonnie babes i love this idea so so much <33

OK SO

it's obvious that there are quite a few women at the bar eyeing the group. young, attractive teachers spending an evening trying to relax and take their minds off of the stress of jujutsu work. nanami is in deep conversation with shoko about something while ijichi quietly listens. further down the table utahime is quietly sipping her drink while mei mei orders another. shoko makes a comment and suguru bursts into unabashed laughter.

the flush of alcohol dusts over each of their cheeks, but satoru remans the only one who has barely touched his glass, the sting of the bitterness a little too harsh for him to enjoy. he opts for instead letting his eyes roam over the faces in the crowd, taking little notice of all the eyes and smiles sent in their direction.

well until he notices you anyway.

you're already looking in his direction curiously, face illuminated by the dim lighting of the bar as your friends giggle around you. when his eyes lock with yours, you immediately tear your gaze away, trying to play it off by immediately delving into conversation, though satoru can tell that there's a flush crawling up your neck now.

he doesn't look away though, too caught up in the crinkle of your eyes and the smile lines that grace your face as you laugh at something. a minute later you're looking back in their direction, and when you catch him staring, you turn away yet again.

satoru glances to his side, knowing that you're probably watching suguru take a sip of his drink and most likely falling for his charming smile.

typical and so predictable.

some time passes like this. you'll look, and turn away, and satoru will watch you do it over and over again. it isn't until a while later that satoru catches your friends pushing your shoulders and giggling, and he knows that they're urging you to come up and ask about suguru. you're shaking your head, the nervousness clear as day as your brows pinch. but eventually you succumb to peer pressure and stand up from your table, taking anxious strides towards him.

and usually, satoru will make a face or turn his back or do something to look as unapproachable as possible. because almost every person who comes up asking for suguru's contact info has been obnoxious as hell.

but you're quite pretty and you look sweet enough, and he doesn't think it'd be right to deter you.

suguru would probably like you too.

so satoru decides to let you try at least, and if you seem to be as nice as you look maybe he'd bridge the gap between you and his best friend.

you make your way up to him, and as soon as he finally gets a good look at you he's thinking you're a lot prettier up close.

dammit.

"hi," you say, face hot as you try your best to maintain steady eye contact with him. you look so nervous, fidgeting with the fabric of your clothes as you attempt to strike up conversation, and he doesn't have it in him to watch you struggle.

"yeah i can give you his number," he says, voice clipped as he tries to hide the disappointment in it. you watch him grab a napkin and begin scribbling something down, confusion clear as he hands you the digits.

"um…?" you look at the napkin and then at him. "sorry, whose number is this?"

satoru balks, lips parting as he mirrors your confusion. "uh…suguru's? the guy behind me?"

realization dawns on your face and you shift your weight from foot to foot.

"oh actually," you suck your teeth nervously, trying to hide behind an awkward little smile. "i came to talk to you."

satoru can only blink, cerulean eyes widening behind his glasses as he stares at you in surprise.

you take his silence as a bad sign, shoulders dropping and embarrassment settling in your frown as you look anywhere but his face. "s-sorry if that's weird. i don't wanna make you uncomfortable or anything so-"

he's grinning before he can stop himself, heart dangerously swelling with affection as he motions toward the empty stool next to him. "not weird at all."

the pleasant surprise on your face makes him bite back a chuckle, and you take the seat. "huh...i wasn't expecting you to be okay with it."

satoru raises a brow curiously, tilting his head. "why not?"

you shrug with a careless grin. "i had a feeling you were gonna brush me off from the moment i first looked over."

satoru winces, and he can practically feel suguru's knowing smirk on his back. he chooses to ignore that for now, eyes trailing over the mirth in your expression, and he can only smile helplessly. "no way in hell."

your laugh comes instantly, sweet and bright, and you take it as a sign to continue talking. satoru listens on, sipping his drink to hide his giddy smile and ignoring the sting of bitterness once again.

honestly, with the amount of sweetness he's just found, satoru would tolerate as much bitterness as he needed to.

[bunnihearted]

🤧🐀🌧️🌊