#i wish i had a strong enough voice to audition for one of the main roles

[nctsworld]

reigniting

✩ mark x reader | dance au | enemies to lovers | car s*x | smut | fluff | 1.6k

SUMMARY ⇾ your hate for your dance captain (and ex-best friend) melts and evolves into something more for the night. WARNINGS‌ ‌⇾‌ smut (near the end), car s*x, swearing, angst in backstory RATING ⇾ mature FOR ⇾ @markleesflathead​ 

AUTHOR’S NOTE ⇾ yes i’m bitter that most of my fics in ask form don’t show up in tag so i might have to post them as individual fics hhh || @markleesflathead​ idk how this ended up into car s*x but i’m sorry if it isn’t what you really expected slkfmd also i’m v flattered to be one of your fave writers *_* thanks for the bday wishes!!

“I missed this.”

Mark suddenly says into the air after catching his breath from all the laughing he just did. With the hand that’s been resting on the steering wheel since he parked the car fifteen minutes ago, he swipes his thumb against it.

Your laughter subsides too, turning your head in the passenger seat to get a good look at him.

The closest street lamp isn’t near enough to cast a light to see all his features clearly, but you don’t need much lighting to see the waver behind his bespectacled face, nor the way his Adam’s apple bobs.

“I missed you,” he whispers softly, then matches your eyes with a tilt of his head.

The beginning was simple. You and Mark, best friends since middle school, about to attend the same university and were going to do everything together, including extracurriculars.

Which included the university’s main competitive hip-hop dance team, since both of you were on your high school’s too.

From what you heard from upperclassmen, every year, the team offered at least five spots open. Of course, Mark and you were confident in yourselves and each other to make the team.

But during your first year, only one spot was available on the team.

The straining of your friendship began to slowly occur, since you saw less of each other in order to train more individually for the auditions.

And when the auditions happened, there was a new tension between Mark and you. Still friends, but competitiveness was a prevalent wall between you two.

The wall grew larger, tangled with vines of jealousy and bitterness, when Mark received the spot, not you.

Both parties tried hard to keep the friendship afloat, but it eventually came crashing down.

“You’re just fucking jealous that I got in and you didn’t.”

“Yeah,” you said. “and I should be, because I’m the better dancer.”

“As if.” he scoffed. He spat out the next words venomously—

“If you were better they would’ve chose you, but you’ve just never been as good of a dancer as me.”

That was the last time you spoke to Mark... for a while, at least.  

When second year came by, you decided to prove him wrong and obtain a spot on the team. Successfully, you did, but partway through the term, the captain dropped out and, to your dismay, Mark was given captaincy.

Fast-forward to today, Mark constantly gave you shit during practices and you knew it was personal.

Sure, you could’ve quit, but you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. However, you always did wonder why he didn’t decide to kick you off the team when he had the power to do so.

Following one practice, Mark ordered you to come by the studio on a separate night for a talk. He claimed it to be extra training, but you were mentally prepared for him to finally remove you from the team.

However, you were wrong and the unexpected happened—the wall between you two began to crumble. The hostile professionalism during the extra session grew into an area of familiarity, remnants of a lost friendship. After the session, Mark swallowed his pride and apologized about what he said back then, even offering to take you out to dinner.

During the meal, both of you caught each other up on the last year or so, and at the end of the night, Mark drove you home.

Laughing, smiling, and talking with you like the last couple of years were a nightmare faded into nothingness.

And you didn’t mind it, because you missed him too.

But instead of telling him that, you nibble on your bottom lip and rock your head forward with a small smile.

Continuing the conversation from where you left off, after Mark agreed to stop giving you such a hard time during practice, you say, “Can I ask you to stop doing one more thing during practice?”

“What’s up?”

“Please, for the love of God,” you say with your hands clasped in a prayer. “Stop rolling your shirt sleeves up, it’s terribly distracting.”

A hearty chuckle escapes from Mark, leaning his head back into the headrest. “Why is it distracting?”

“You know why!” you exclaim, beaming. “I know you do it on purpose!”

He cocks an eyebrow playfully. “And why would I do that?”

Rolling your eyes, you reply, "Because I know the oh-so humble Mark Lee still loves it when he gets attention."

The driver runs his tongue over the bottom of his teeth in a smirk, hand still on the steering wheel.

"And what about you?” he retorts. “You must still have a thing for arms if you think it's distracting."

You gasp inaudibly, unsure of how he could still remember that tidbit after all these years, and you twist your upper body to inch near him, glaring at him accusingly. "Is that why you do it?"

"Maybe, maybe not..." he shrugs nonchalantly. Leaning closer to you, parroting your stance, he adds in a teasing whisper along with a squint of his eyes.

"You'll never know."

There’s a passing beat as your eyes lock, one that carries the weight of the years of loving each other as friends, hating each other as enemies, working together as dancers, and everything in between.

A moment of connection that represents what everything has been working towards to for a long time, even if you never thought you’d have the chance to ever have Mark in your life again.

His look falters for a millisecond, flicking to your lips, then straight back to your eyes as if he shouldn’t have done that.

The corner of your mouth lifts slightly.

"Are you going to kiss me, Mark,” you whisper daringly. “or are you going to keep staring?"

You’re awfully aware of both of your breathing. Yours, heavy and wanting. His, light and barely existent.

"How do you know I wanna kiss you?" he croaks, a small crack in his voice underlying his question.

Because maybe a little part of you always wondered what it’d be like for Mark Lee to want to kiss you since you were kids—for him to send you that anxious starry-eyed yearning that could send your heart into cardiac arrest.

And now, from first-hand experience, you know it really does.  

You hold your breath and question back—

"Am I wrong?”

The tension in the air snaps. He’s fast to cup your cheeks and crash his mouth into yours. Soft lips move in tandem with yours as you rest your hands on his shoulders, lightly tugging at his body.

The first, tender kiss is quickly thrown aside, along with your shirts. The desire escalates immensely and you’re suddenly straddling him in the driver’s seat, now pushed back to give extra room for both individuals.

"Should we slow down?" you ask offhandedly at one point while Mark’s mouth leaves a hot trail down the side of your neck. At the same time, his fingers glide and grip onto your bare waist, making their way to grasp your breasts.

Mark jerks away from your neck and carefully caresses the back of your head. "Do you want to?"

"Mm-mm,” you hurriedly shake your head and drag him into another strong kiss.

The exciting rush continues to run through both bodies present. When you return to the passenger seat momentarily to rid of your pants, Mark shimmies his bottoms and briefs down to his ankles and pulls a condom from his glove compartment.

“How often do you have car sex?” you joke, straddling him once again after he wraps himself.

In his reclined position, Mark looks up and scans your body quickly, both indulging in your natural beauty and in disbelief that you are here with him right now, after all these years.

“Hey, a guy’s gotta be safe—fuck, God.”

All quips and logic are thrown out the window when you sit on his length.

You have one hand pressed against his defined stomach, the other on the car ceiling. Bouncing with no end in sight, you allow the pleasure to enrapture your senses. Muffled whimpers reverberate against the inner side of your wrist as you feel him deeply with every movement.

On the other hand, Mark tries his best to keep his focus on you, but the intensity breaks him down. He groans in pace with your moving body, and he tightens his hold on your waist.

“Mark—” you cry. You rip your hand from the car roof and, without thought, frantically push it against the driver’s window, smudging the frost that all your collective breathing conjured up. You’re surprisingly already coming undone, and so is your lover beneath you.

“I’m close,” he pants thickly. His hazy gaze attempts to meet your half-lidded eyes, but you’re losing control. All you can do is barely nod and as you’re about to bounce more vigorously, Mark releases your waist and raises himself upward, clutching your back and neck to lock lips fiercely with yours.

You barely can thrust against him, but you don’t need to at this point, because the kiss is simply enough to draw out his climax.

You’re pulled back to reality after a few moments, panting with your foreheads tipped against one another.

“And to counter your question from before,” Mark grins, still breathing heavily. “I’ll only stop rolling my sleeves up during practice if you stop tying your shirt up to show off your waist.”

You try to stifle a smirk, but it can’t be helped. You reply to him with a flutter of the tip of your nose against his.

“No deal, captain.”

nctsworld’s birthday week celebration!

[writingsoftheghost]

This is based on a prompt I saw about when Virgil got punched in the face during the cartoon episode.

The makeup brush stings against the gash and covers the bruise decently. Virgil admires his work in the mirror. Not bad.

It’s only been two days since Thomas punched him, Virgil does his best not to feel too hurt by it. He is the villain, after all. It’s all In a days work. He still feels horrible, but the lie helps.

He heads out into the main mindscape, Thomas has some deadlines. “A villain’s work is never done,” he thinks to himself bitterly.

“Hey, kiddo!” Patton greets him. Virgil flinches, he wasn’t prepared for a welcome, “Whatcha up to?”

“Thomas needs to get some work done, I’ve gotta make sure everyone does their jobs.” Virgil replies nonchalantly.

“Oh, yeah! Good lookin’ out, we all like to procrastinate a little too much around here!” Patton beams at him, “I’ll come with you, maybe I can help out!”

“Uh...sure...” Virgil is unsure how else to react, “Whatever.” He waves his hand in an effort to regain his composure.

They walk into the common room, Roman is watching a movie on the TV and Logan is absentmindedly flipping through a book.

“Hello, Anxiety,” Logan says, not even looking up, “You’re right on time.”

“Ugh!” Roman groans with an eye roll, “To what do we owe the pleasure?” The venom in his voice is strong enough to kill an elephant.

“Thomas needs a new video idea, and there’s the audition the day after tomorrow.” Virgil replies cooly. “I know you’re so busy, but this is rather important.” He retorts with a glare.

“For your information, Anxiety, this is a part of my process! Not that you would know anything about the creative process!”

“Hey, hey, Ro, there’s no need for that,” Patton quickly steps between the two. “Anxiety, was only trying to help.”

“Oh, sure, take his side!” Roman groans with an eye roll.

“That’s because he is merely doing his job, which, as you can see by the fact that he had to remind us of our obligations, is absolutely essential,” Logan says calmly.

Virgil looks back and forth between Patton and Logan, why were they defending him? Weren’t they just as annoyed by his presence as Roman was?

“Ugh, whatever,” he stands up and stares down Virgil, “I’ll work if that’s what you really want.”

“It’s the only reason I’m here,” Virgil says, shooting him a pair of finger guns.

“Great! So now you can leave,” Roman says coldly.

“As you wish, your highness.” Virgil shoots back sarcastically. He’s about to sink out when Patton grabs his hoodie. Virgil lets out a panicked hiss as he jerks himself away from the fatherly trait.

“Sorry, kiddo. I didn’t mean to startle ya.” Virgil is still breathing rather shallowly. “I just thought it’d be better if you stayed?”

Virgil is still on edge, Logan is watching him slowly. A look on his face that Virgil has never seen directed at him before, concern? No, that doesn’t make any sense.

“Anxiety?” Logan calls to get his attention, “Breathe with me, please.” Not a request but a command. If he didn’t need it Virgil might’ve disobeyed just to spite the logical side. Instead, he inhales as Logan does, and doesn’t exhale until he does. He looks over and notices Princey staring at them both, an unreadable expression on his face.

After Virgil’s breathing has returned to normal, Patton attempts to gently lead him toward the couch. Virgil shrugs off all attempts at physical comfort, no use forcing Morality to treat him so delicately.

“Th-there’s work to do,” Virgil attempts to regain his assertive tone.

“In a minute, kiddo. Are you okay?” Patton reaches his hand toward him again and Virgil pulls away.

“It doesn’t matter, we have deadlines,” his tone is hard now.

“Anxiety,” Logan’s closed his book now and is staring worriedly at the anxious trait, “It is important for you to take care of yourself. Your health, both mental and physical, matters.”

Virgil stares at him blankly, it takes him a moment to shake away the soft feeling Logan’s words bring him. He doesn’t mean them, he just needs Virgil to be able to do his job.

“Can we stop with the sharing circle now?” Virgil says with a snarky tone, “I’m fine. And we still have deadlines to meet!”

“Okay, but if you need a—”

“No, lets get cracking then!” Virgil quickly cuts Patton off.

He and Logan exchange glances, but Virgil trudges on.

“Okay, Princey! Ideas! Go!” He calls to Roman who’s been awfully quiet.

“How about you go back to your room? How’s that for an idea?”

“Roman!” Patton cries.

“No, Pat, look at him. He’s clearly not up for this right now and I don’t think we’re helping!” Virgil tenses up and quickly drags his hair into his eyes to mask his face. “He’s sweating kind of a lot, and he looks paler than usual.” Roman continues.

Virgil self consciously drags his sleeve over his face in an attempt to mop up the sweat, it must be pretty hard too because it stings quite a bi—oh. Oh no.

The bruise, the busted open gash. The makeup’s gone. He quickly places his hand over his face. He quickly thinks of an excuse.

“If-” he clears his throat “-if you want me gone so bad then I’ll go, just get your work done.”

He starts to sink out again, but is stopped by Patton yet again. Thankfully not physically this time.

“Wait!” Virgil stops, his hand still covering his face.

“Are you bleeding? Move your hand,” Patton quickly advanced on the side.

Apparently Virgil really has wiped his face with too much force, he’d reopened the gash.

“It’s nothing, just makeup.” He tries to sink out again but Patton has already crossed the living room and is examining Virgil’s face.

“Kiddo! What happened!” He gently tries to move Virgil’s hand. Virgil’s too tired to resist and merely drops it to his side.

“Oh, goodness, Kiddo, let’s get that taken care of.” He snaps his fingers and a first aid kit appears in his hands.

“No,” Virgil puts his hands up, but Patton is still trying to examine his face. “No!” Patton freezes, Virgil’s voice shakes the walls, Superimposed over itself.

“I. Don’t. Need. Any. Help.” Virgil grits out. Patton looks at him, a worried expression plastered onto his face.

“I-I know, kiddo. I just...I just wanna make it easier. I know you don’t need it, but please? Just let me take care of this for you?”

His pleading eyes are what do Virgil in, curse his soft spot for Patton.

“As long as it doesn’t take too long,” he says with a sigh.

Patton beams at him, “I’ll be done in a jiffy!” He quickly ushers Virgil back to the couch.

After he’s got Virgil settled on the couch he starts taking out various different items from the kit.

He pauses and Virgil can see how nervous he is to ask Virgil his next question.

“Can you take the rest of your makeup off for me? Please? Just until I’m done? I don’t wanna get any of it in the cut.” He rattles off quickly.

Virgil sighs, “Alright.” Patton relaxes as Virgil snaps his makeup off.

Virgil quickly notices everyone else still in the room. They’re both staring at him. He shrugs down self consciously.

“What are you two staring at?” He growls, but there’s no bite in it.

“Erm-” Logan clears his throat “-my apologies, Anxiety, it’s merely that we’ve never seen you without your makeup.”

Roman seems to come to his senses then, “Yeah, uhm, you look different.” Virgil covers his face. “No no no,” Roman rushes hastily, “Not in a bad way, it’s just, uhm...”

“We have the same face, Princey.” Virgil says with an eye roll. It’s not necessarily true, they all have subtle differences. Like Logan’s hair, Patton’s freckles, or Roman’s muscles. Virgil is a lot thinner than they are and his eyes are darker.

“Okay,” Patton says breathlessly, “Let’s get this cleaned up now.”

Virgil winces as Patton gingerly wipes a disinfectant wipe over the cut. Patton keeps running his hand up and down Virgil’s arm, it’s incredibly distracting and Virgil can’t figure out why he’s doing it.

“You wanna tell me what happened now?” Patton asks softly after he’s finished placing a bandage on Virgil’s cheek. Virgil hadn’t realized how close Patton had gotten, he was surprised that he didn’t mind. He felt rather relaxed which was unusual. Which is probably why he told the truth.

“Thomas punched me,” he says calmly, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

“What?! When?” Patton’s horrified voice cuts through Virgil’s calm mind turning it back into the usual anxious frenzy.

Roman’s looking at him in disbelief, “It left a mark?”

“It’s not a big deal!” Virgil rushes out, “It was when we were cartoons! It’s not like he knew this would happen!”

Patton places his hand back on Virgil’s arm and resumes his gentle stroking, he starts talking to Virgil in a quieter voice, “It is a big deal, Thomas doesn’t know what this did. He could do it again if we don’t tell him.”

“He probably will do it again if we do,” Virgil mumbles.

“Anxiety!” Virgil flinches back when Patton yells, “Sorry, sorry,” Patton attempts to coax Virgil back into a relaxed position on the couch, “I don’t think Thomas would hit you if he knew it’d actually hurt you, we were cartoons, he didn’t know. No one ever gets hurt in cartoons!”

“It’s okay, Patton. I am the bad guy, this is a natural response.”

Patton shakes his head, “I’m his morality, Virgil. I know you’ve never done anything to warrant this.” His hand is still stroking Virgil’s arm and it’s making it harder for Virgil to argue. He doesn’t want Patton to stop, and all he can think about is how he could get him to continue for a bit longer.

“I’m gonna go tell Thomas, M’kay?” Patton whispers quietly.

“No! You can’t tell him!” Virgil’s off the couch in an instant and standing over Patton, “He doesn’t need to know!”

“Yes, he does, kiddo,” Patton tries to get Virgil back on the couch but he shakes him off.

“No ones telling him, thanks for patching up my face,” he sinks out before anyone can stop him this time.

Roman looks at Patton, a stony expression on his face, “I’ll tell Thomas, you go check on him.”

[meanstreetspodcasts]

Stories Start in Many Different Ways...

On February 6, 1950, reporter Randy Stone took his first walk on the Night Beat. Frank Lovejoy starred as Randy, an intrepid newspaperman working at the Chicago Star. Every night, Randy explored the darkened streets of the Windy City in search of stories for his column. Randy Stone was looking for the good and the bad of human nature - anything that would make for a good yarn to follow his byline. Along the way, he usually found trouble among the desperate and the dangerous residents of the city at night.

In each episode of the show, columnist Randy Stone went to work when the sun went down and set off through the city streets in search of stories about people that had fallen through the cracks.  The “human” in human interest stories was of paramount importance to him, and like a knight on a romantic crusade, Stone did his best to help the subjects of his stories and ensure as much of a happy ending as he could for his column.  Randy Stone wasn’t a detective; he wasn’t even an amateur sleuth like Box 13’s Dan Holiday or Casey, Crime Photographer.  But he walked the streets of Chicago after dark and as a sucker for a hard luck story, he frequently found himself in conflict with the mob, gamblers and thieves, con men, and killers.  He could be taken in by a sob story or come around to discover a perceived villain had been wronged as badly as the victim.  He didn’t carry a gun, and he wasn’t a fighter, but he had dogged persistence in chasing down a story to the end.  It was the kind of persistence that was finely honed from walking the streets and wearing out who knows how many pairs of shoes.

On May 19, 1949, an audition program for the series was recorded starring Edmond O’Brien as reporter “Hank Mitchell.”  Directed by Bill Rousseau (director of hard-boiled private eye shows Pat Novak and Michael Shayne), O’Brien’s performance was closer to how he’d sound as Johnny Dollar a year later: tougher, cynical, and harder-edged.  Not a bad performance (in fact, it served him well in the role of “America’s fabulous freelance insurance investigator”), but it was a little too tough for what producers were looking for. Night Beat got a second bite at the apple almost a year later.  This time, actor Frank Lovejoy stepped to the microphone as the lead character, rechristened “Randy Stone.”  Where Hank Mitchell was cynical, Randy Stone was a kind of cock-eyed optimist.  Where Mitchell was tough, Stone was compassionate.  Of the voices, Randy Stone’s sounded more like that of a champion for the little guy.  And delivering that winning performance for over 100 episodes was Frank Lovejoy.

Lovejoy had been a radio actor in the 1930s and early 1940s, appearing on Gang Busters and This is Your FBI.  He was the first actor to play the Blue Beetle on radio, and he was frequently heard as a supporting player on Sam Spade, Box 13, and Adventures of Superman; he also took more than a few starring turns on Suspense.  In films, Lovejoy was often a supporting player in everyman roles in films like The Hitch-Hiker, House of Wax, and In a Lonely Place.  This “man of the people” streak to his work served him well as Randy Stone, and Lovejoy delivers one of the best dramatic lead performances from the Golden Age of Radio in Night Beat. It helped that he was given wonderful words to say and characters to say them to with scripts by Larry Marcus, Russell Hughes (main writer for Box 13), and others.

One of the great dramatic shows of the 1950s, Night Beat was anchored by Frank Lovejoy’s performance and strong scripts. Though not strictly a detective program, Night Beat often featured stories of crime and killers, of cops and robbers. Night Beat was a bright spot in the Golden Age of Radio as it gradually gave way to the rise of television.

Here are a few of my favorite episodes of this fantastic series. You can celebrate the anniversary of the show’s premiere and hear what made it such a unique entry in the world of old time radio drama.

“Zero” – In the show’s first episode, Randy Stone stumbles across a young woman on a frantic citywide search for a man about to die because of her clerical error. They hunt high and low through the streets of the Windy City to find the man and to save two lives – the man who mistakenly believes he has a terminal illness and the woman who would never forgive herself if she cost a man his life. (Originally aired on NBC on February 6, 1950)

“I Wish You Were Dead” – Randy is fascinated by a mild-mannered man who claims to have a deadly ability – the power to kill people using only his mind. (Originally aired on NBC on May 22, 1950)

“The Football Player and the Syndicate” – William Conrad guest stars as a college football hero long past his gridiron glory days. Now working as a broken down private investigator and trying to stay a step ahead of his gambling debts, he asks for Randy’s help on a job. If he can find a man for a notorious Chicago political boss, he can make enough money to clear his debts and dig himself out of his hole. (Originally aired on NBC on June 12, 1950)

“The City at Your Fingertips” – On a quiet night, Randy lets his fingers do the walking and dials a random phone number. To his surprise, the woman on the other end of the line begs for help. She’s being held prisoner by a man who may return to kill her at any moment. Can Randy save her life when even she doesn’t know where she’s been trapped? (Originally aired on NBC on July 31, 1950)

Check out this episode!

[x0401x]

Pash! Plus Interview with Yamamura Takuya

“What I wanted to cherish in the TV anime ‘Tsurune’ was the gap between ‘serenity’ and ‘motion’.”

In this issue of Pash!, we are publishing a special edition for the TV anime “Tsurune —Kazemai Koukou Kyuudou-bu—”. Here, we are delivering an interview with director Yamamura Takuya. We have asked him about the highlights of this work and his feelings for the series.

Raw || Index || My Ko-fi  ( ╹◡╹)っ’･*

“Tsurune” is the sound made when an arrow is fired. It is said to change depending on the shooter. Moreover, since the circumstances and condition affect it even with the shooter being the same, it is quite literally a once-in-a-lifetime sound. “Tsurune —Kazemai Koukou Kyuudou-bu—” is a story about young male archers, which centers around Minato, a boy who was entranced by the tsurune he heard in an archery dojo that he went to see with his mother as a child.

——Please tell us what caught your attention the most when reading the original work.

I had never been in contact with Japanese archery, so I did not even know that it had a martial arts side and a competition side. But then I read the source material and learned that just hitting the target is not enough, that there are actions and manners to be respected. People compete against each other while following the conduct. At first glance, I had the impression that while Minato seemed to think in a contradictory way, he and the others held tight onto their bows, and that their dignified figures as they faced the targets and themselves were portrayed with care.

——The series has no flashy action this time, so we believed there would be many scenes expressing “serenity”, but where exactly is the fun and difficulties in that?

I have actually watched a high school tournament, and the venue was extremely quiet, so I got to hear the tsurune echoing there. I felt that the atmosphere born from the concentration power of the people drawing and the people watching nearby was “calm”, so I wanted to cherish this in the animation. In particular, the beauty of the movements when drawing a bow influences the story, so all of us animators watched videos about archery and did research every day. It was a hassle, but there was also fun in it.

——On the other hand, what part of it would be the “motion”?

When I went to watch the tournament, the high school boys were fooling around outside the venue before the competition, looking like they were having a lot of fun. But once the matches began, they were stern and cool. If those dignified figures were the “serenity”, then the scenes where they would be chattering and making merry were the “motion”.

——Was there anything that you were conscious of when writing about the exchanges between the boys?

The “foolishness” of them, in the good sense. I talked to the series composer, Yokote Michiko-san, about my wish for her to depict the gap in those children, who are cool when they are drawing their bows but normally mess around like any high schooler. Also, we made the camera angle be a distant view in the scenes where they are chit-chatting, making the air be as if the viewers were taking a peek into their daily lives.

——The site has many young cast members, so how did the recordings go?

We wanted a fresh feeling to it so the casting was picked through auditions, and we chose them by only their voice quality and acting, with their names and profiles concealed. We had prepared lines for when they were on and off, and the deciding factor for their selection was the emotion switching. To tell the truth, there were people I was meeting for the first time in the recording, so there was this feeling in the air that the story was indeed going to start from that point. When I was explaining the series, everyone gave me such serious looks that I was the one who ended up getting nervous (laughs).

——Uemura-san, who plays Minato, took the audition for Seiya, right?

Right. But I thought the strong core that lay behind his gentle voice was a perfect fit for Minato, so I asked him to play Minato instead.

——Lastly, please tell us the highlights of the early stage.

Minato and Seiya are childhood friends, Kaito and Nanao are cousins, Ryouhei was also Minato and Seiya’s friend from grade school, and the thing is that all of them get along. But Minato and the other two meet Kaito and Nanao when entering high school, so their cohesion as a group of five is all over the place. The air might be a bit tense in the early stages (laughs).

Please watch over them with smiles as the distance between them gradually shortens. Also, for the first episode, I want people to pay attention to Minato. Like what kind of child Minato is and what circumstances are currently set up on him. And the position of the characters surrounding him is a main point. By all means, I would be happy if people can enjoy Minato’s actions together with his shooting.

[psychosistr]

The Stars of the Stage- Chapter 1

Summary:  Jonathan Joestar is an accomplished playwright currently working on his next big production: Phantom Blood. During the auditions for the lead actors, though, a certain blond Englishman catches his eye.

Notes:  So, this story was inspired by this piece of art by @corgi-shorts that I saw back when I did one of the Jonawagon weeks where Jonathan was a playwright and Speedwagon was an actor. I felt a HUGE need to write this as it was such a cute idea x3

In the midst of the already bustling heart of New York, a large theater within the appropriately named Theater District is packed with several hopeful actors currently reading over and practicing lines from sample scripts. Some are seasoned veterans of the theater while others are hopeful new-comers. Despite their level of skill and experience, each one seems eager to land a part in the production.

Through the chattering crowds and lines of people waiting to enter the main theater for their audition, an extraordinarily tall and muscular man with dark hair carefully weaves his way through the crowd, throwing out a “pardon me” or “oh, excuse me” every now and then to be polite as bumping into people in such a crowd is unavoidable given his size.

He reaches the theater doors and turns to the crowd, cupping his hands around his mouth to be heard properly. “If I may have your attention, please!” The chatter of the crowd slowly dies down as the actors turn to look at him curiously. Once he knows he has their attention, he smiles and gives a quick bow of his head. “Thank you all so much for coming out. My name is Jonathan Joestar- I am the writer and co-director of this production. In a moment we will begin the auditions, so please give it your best. I will be looking forward to seeing what all of you can do!” He finishes with an encouraging smile. He opens the doors long enough to walk in and close them behind himself, nodding to the two men standing behind the door to take the actors’ resumes and headshots. “Dire, Straights, afternoon. Ready to start?”

“Just waiting on William at this point.” Dire says with a nod of greeting. “I think he’s taking care of the lighting or something.”

“More like finishing off his pre-audition glass of wine.” Straights comments indifferently while glancing away. “Though I can’t say I blame him. This is always such a hassle..”

“Necessary evil of the industry, my friend.” A voice greets the group and the trio of men turn to see a man in a white suit and checkerboard top-hat. He offers them a smile and a tip of his hat in greeting. “Ready to summon the horde, gentlemen?”

“Ready as we’ll ever be, William.” Jonathan says with a grin as he walks with the older man down towards the table waiting in front of the stage with two seats for the pair.

________________________________________________________________

The theater is packed, the auditioning actors having taken up the seats in the order in which they’d come into the room. Quite a few of the seats are already empty, as some of the actors had to leave after their auditions while others have opted to stay and scope out the competition.

The process has been long and grueling, but it is necessary for casting the right people for the parts. Jonathan was glad, though, that he was working with William as the director- the older man often listened to his input regarding casting more than other directors did. As he often said, “Who knows a character better than the man who wrote them?”

Jonathan looks down at the piles of resumes and headshots in front of them. He has kept them organized into a few basic groups: People who had not gone yet were on the far left, closest to himself. The “wouldn’t call them back in a hundred years” pile, as William secretly called it, was beside the first one in the middle. The maybe/later consideration pile was next to that one and closer to William. The last pile on the far right was the smallest of all, reserved for the ones the two had agreed would definitely get the part they’d auditioned for.

Jonathan takes the next resume off of the pile on the far left and calls out the number pinned to it. “Number 157!” He looks at the headshots that accompany the resume, noting that every picture seemed to be taken from the right side of the actor’s face.

As the man in question approaches the stage, he can see why: There was a scar across the left side of his face. Not to say that that was a problem in anyway- the man was still quite handsome (from a purely aesthetical perspective, Jonathan tried to remind his wandering thoughts) and besides, that’s what cosmetics were for. Still, he knew how tough some directors could be and how they tended to avoid actors with visible marks as they couldn’t always visualize a way around it.

“ ‘ello.” The man says with a quick bow of his head once he is in place on the stage and looking down at Jonathan and William. “The name’s Robert Speedwagon, an’ I’ll be readin’ for the part o’ Sir Haste Dray.”

Jonathan is a bit surprised by the man’s accent. He’s clearly British like Jonathan himself, though with a cockney dialect rather than Jonathan’s own aristocratic manner of speaking.

While Jonathan is more surprised by the accent, he can hear others making quiet, hushed, snide remarks about it.

“He does know that’s one of the main characters, right?”

“Talking like that, he’d be a better pick for one of the extras..”

“This outta be good for a laugh.”

Jonathan ignored the comments, curious to see how the actor would do with his own eyes. “Very well then, Mr.Speedwagon. Which section will you be using for your audition?”

The blonde haired man lifted his own copy of the script that had already been opened and turned to the part he wanted to use. “Page 57, line 8. Can I get a read-in?”

“Of course.” Jonathan turned the copy of the script in front of himself to the aforementioned page and cleared his throat before reading the line. “This battle shall be a dangerous one, my friend. I fear we may not escape with our lives. If you wish to turn back, now is the time. I would bear you no ill-will for such a decision.”

Speedwagon closed his eyes for a moment. “I know..yet this decision is beyond me alone.” The earlier chatter and snide laughter was dead in an instant. “It is a decision that must be made by every man, woman, and child of this plane of existence. Unless I were to have every single being upon this world in attendance to answer, then the decision is not truly mine to make.” The man opened his eyes again, looking out in front of him as if speaking to the target of the monologue and only taking brief glances down to see his lines. “Since they cannot be here to tell me not to do so, then I shall take it upon myself to fight on their behalf. After all, if we were to stand by and not do a thing, then who would be left to protect the innocent, unknowing lives of this realm?” Without the earlier accent, his voice held a calm seriousness that perfectly captured the tension of the scene. “I am afraid this daunting task is for us alone to face, lest the evil that hides itself within the darkness of both the world and the hearts of mankind be free to unleash its reign of death upon us all.” The serious expression on his face softened ever so slightly, almost turning into a sad smile that tugged on Jonathan’s heart strings. “Still, even without the threat to all we hold dear in this world, do you truly think that I, of all people, would turn from you at the eve your greatest struggle? Whom do you take me for, old friend? A coward? A fool?” He gave a short laugh, more of a broken chuckle born of melancholy and sadness rather than joy. “Well…perhaps I am both these things. I do admit to fearing the fate that lies before us, yet it is not myself I fear for- rather, it is you. I fear what would become of you if I allowed you to so gallantly face these forces on your own. As for the fool..” His expression softened again, the smile on his face beautiful and sad and full of love and adoration conveyed in a simple quirk of his lips and the gaze in his eyes. “I suppose I have been a fool since we met that one cold, dark winters’ night. With but a touch of your hand, you shattered the reality which I built so flawlessly for myself. I thought myself strong, yet in your presence I am weak. I thought myself a king, yet to you I would gladly play the role of vassal. I thought myself wise, yet the very sight of you fills me with confusion that renders me as foolish as a drunkard lying on the streets. Still, I do not wish for these beliefs to be returned to me. For, in their place, I have gained far more than I ever dared to dream before: Inner-peace. Conviction. Loyalty. And love.” He closed his eyes again, the tragically beautiful smile still on his face. “So, yes, I may be a coward and a fool..but..I am the cowardly fool who will follow you to the ends of the earth and down into the depths of hell itself without fear..for, without you, there would be no point in fighting for this world at all. Above all else, you shall survive. I shall see to it, even if it costs me my very soul- the devil may have it, so long as your radiance remains to shine the light of hope upon this undeserving world.”

Everyone in the room was stunned by the performance, not saying a word as the man opened his eyes once more and gave an elegant bow.

Jonathan, who had been staring at him with stars in his eyes, was the first to react. He quickly stood from his seat, placed his hands upon the table in front of himself, and excitedly declared. “The part is yours!”

William yanked his sleeve hard and pulled him back down into his seat, whispering harshly to him. “You do not say that aloud in front of everyone else here, Jojo. I thought I taught you better than that.”

Jonathan’s face flushed at the realization of his blunder, his voice hushed to the same level as his mentor’s. “Oh..my apologies, William..it’s just..that was perfect! The delivery, the execution, the emotion- I felt as if I was looking at Sir Dray in the flesh!”

“I agree, but there is still a certain etiquette one must follow in these matters.” He chastised the taller man before turning his attention back to the man on the stage. “My apologies for my associate, he became a touch too excited. That being said, that was an exceptional performance. We have a few more auditions to go through and discussions to be had before final casting, but we will certainly be in touch.”

Speedwagon offered them a polite smile. “I’s quite alright, sir. I’m glad ‘e liked it. Be seein’ y’, then.” He tipped his hat politely before walking off stage and back out through the doors leaving the theater.

Jonathan watched the man leave, his heart still thrumming from the effect the blonde actor’s performance had on him. He’d never been so taken by a mere reading before.

Without even looking back to the table, he grabbed Speedwagon’s resume and moved it to the “definite” pile, ignoring the look he was sure to be receiving from William for reaching over him so rudely to do so.

Next Chapter->

End Notes: Speedwagon: *shows up, introduces himself, reveals his accent*

Everyone else: *laughs and mocks him*

Speedwagon: *delivers a flawless read that lands him the part instantly*

Everyone else: *jaws on the floor*

Jonathan: *instantly in love*

[zahramalik]

TITLE: MACBETH AUDITION TRIGGERS: None. WORD COUNT: 1,245 NOTES: Zahra might be going for Macbeth, but what she mostly wants is to break out of the box Orson forced her into. It’d be nice for her final role at Alderidge to be something that breaks away from that, even if it’s not Macbeth. If she gets a role that’s starkly different from the others she’s had, it’d cement the fact that she is actually a talented actress and can get roles without banking on her looks. However, it’d also be interesting if Heidi turns out to view Zahra the same way Orson does, and decides she should play a more traditionally feminine role. It’d crush her, and probably make her question her place at this school.

Also, I realized that Zahra’s monologue is the main’s blog description only AFTER I decided on it and after I wrote like half of this para already. Please don’t hold that against me!!

“I’m Zahra Malik, and I’ll be auditioning for the role of Macbeth.” The deliberate omission of Lady prompts Heidi’s brows to jump in surprise. Still, the director doesn’t hesitate to jot the request down in her notebook, which is surely filled with details of the other students’ auditions. No going back now. 

Most would expect Zahra to go for the ruthless and conniving queen; it’s only the natural progression after playing a lovelorn princess last semester. And it’s admittedly poetic, how both Lady Macbeth and Zahra are held back by their roles as women in a society that admonishes them for being as cutthroat as any revered man. Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty. People have always taken Zahra at face-value, as an object meant to be admired rather than an intelligent being with ambitions of her own. Lady Macbeth had to settle for living vicariously through her husband, who never would’ve become king without the will of the play’s women.

Zahra is through with being a mere lady. Like Macbeth, she is determined to become king at any price, even if the cost is her own heart. 

“I’ll be performing Edmund’s monologue from act one, scene two of King Lear.” It’s drastically different from the other monologues she had in her arsenal — Helena, Cleopatra, Cressida — but it still would’ve come as no surprise to anyone that she’d chosen a villain’s monologue. After all, Macbeth is arguably the villain of his own story, and Zahra has never felt like the hero of her own. But while it was heavily debated on whether Macbeth’s tragic rise to kingship was because of destiny or the witches’ manipulation, Zahra knew she was not merely someone’s pawn. Like Edmund, she was never blessed by the gods or granted fortune by the stars. Everything she had gained, she’d clawed after it on her own.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Heidi says, Zahra can’t help but feel as though those words are merely the start of something grand.

“This is the excellent foppery of the world —” Try as she might, it’s difficult to kill the girl Zahra and become reborn as the bastard Edmund on stage. The two became unintentionally entwined during all the time she spent practicing the monologue. She could not help but see herself in King Lear’s Edmund, a complex villain who had been rejected since birth as similarly as she had. They both thirsted for a power that belonged to others, and were willing to go to drastic lengths to achieve their goals. And like Edmund, she’d felt shunned by her own hometown, was born from her parent’s mistakes and molded from it. Even at Alderidge, it was hard not to feel like a second-class citizen amongst uppercrust classmates who fit in so seamlessly, whose birthright guaranteed they’d never have to struggle the way she always had.

The inability to separate herself from the character only made her performance that much more thrilling to watch, every word a dynamite of raw emotion. All the anger she has towards the world, towards the people who looked down upon her, channeled into a soliloquy penned centuries ago. Her voice is strong, her hair is pinned back tightly, her stance is tall and commanding — Zahra proves that she can play a conniving, nefarious man just as compellingly as she can play any beautiful maiden.

The performance isn’t all just rage and contempt; Zahra can’t help but present sorrow as she laments on how Gloucester’s mistakes cursed his bastard son to live a vicious life. “My father compounded with my mother under the dragon's tail; and my nativity was under Ursa major; so that it follows, I am rough and lecherous.” Despite his wretchedness, Edmund has always been one of the more sympathetic Shakespeare villains, especially when he can convince the audience that Gloucester deserves all of the cruelty that Edmund would soon bring upon him. Zahra does her best to do the same, giving a performance that would turn anyone on her side, even if her getting Macbeth means that Hudson doesn’t.

No, shut that down. Zahra doesn’t allow her guilt to seep into her performance but instead she channels it into rage, fueling Edmund’s contempt towards Edgar, the beloved legitimate brother. Why couldn’t she have both Hudson’s success and the lead? Why did she allow her choice for Macbeth to hurt her so much? It shouldn’t have been difficult to choose herself over someone else, and she’s furious that she’d allowed herself to get too attached. Edmund was right, she had no one but herself to blame for her own faults.

Edmund, too, felt guilty in the end. A lot of good that did for him.

“— fa, sol, la, mi.” It was a stellar performance, better than anything she conjured up in her rehearsals. Zahra has to stop herself from breaking out into a grin onstage, proud of herself for managing to pull it off. Fuck Orson’s low expectations for her, she was so much more than a pretty face. Macbeth was hers, goddammit.

It takes only a second for Heidi to completely turn the switch. “Would you mind running through that again for me, differently this time?”

Zahra can’t help but pause, a bit taken aback by Heidi’s request. Orson never asked her to give another take on her auditions. Then again, Orson probably already decided on what role she’d have before anyone stepped on stage. So what was Heidi’s play here? Did Zahra somehow mess up her first performance? What was it lacking that Heidi needed to see it again a second time? Or did Heidi just want to see Zahra’s versatility, test her flexibility as an actor? Zahra’s first instinct is to ask, “Different, how?” but immediately realizes that’s a stupid question. Instead, she says, “Of course,” and makes her way back to where she first began. 

This time, Zahra focuses more on Edmund’s vindictiveness, plays him less emotional and more calculated. His scorn for his family leeches through more savagely. This is the birth of a monster, risen from the lack of love and respect Edmund had to endure his whole life. “Tut,” she scoffs, “I should have been that I am, had the maidenliest star in the firmament twinkled on my bastardizing.” Zahra may have been uncertain in how her audition was going, but as Edmund she showed that she was nothing but in control of her own fate.

She is pure wickedness at the end of it, ready to strike down Edgar in order to claim the power that had never been granted to her. It’s perhaps a more vindictive performance than one would give when going for Macbeth, the guilt-ridden mad king. But there’s wickedness in Macbeth, too, a warrior who may have hesitated, but still cut down his enemies in order to maintain his place at the top.

Heidi nods, dismissing Zahra and revealing no insight to if that second performance gave her whatever she was looking for. “Thank you for your time,” Zahra says, her voice void of any emotion. She can’t help but feel a bit drained; this was longer than any other audition she had to give for Orson — what did that signify? Zahra had no idea how to feel, and despite everything, wished the stars would be kind enough to give her an answer.

[lady-olive-oil]

Dog Days Chapter 2

Note: Hey y’all!!! It has been a long as while since i have updated and for that i apologize. Life has taken over and is hectic af right now. But it is here finally, the next installment of Dog Days! Let me know if you wanna be tagged!

Warning: dirty “I miss you public sex>” If ya squint

Word count: 2,467

Taglist: @maddiestundentwritergaines​ || @dc41896​ || @honeychicana​ || @themyscxiras​ || @dc41896​ || @crushed-pink-petals​ || @fumbling-fanfics​ || @champagnesugamama​ || @bugngiz​ || @badassbaker​ || @melinda-january​

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Charity events were always a buzz around town. Whether you’re a socialite: a social media influencer, stylist, designer, you name it. Anybody who is anybody, knew about them. This one in particular was one for the ages.The annual Charity Ball of Hope, was more of a gala of sorts but nevertheless one for a good cause. Upon seeing all the glitz and glamour of the posh and pampered, outside of the limo window, It felt like old times all over again.

My dress was anything but simple, yet tasteful floor length royal blue mermaid halter top dress with a gold beading around the chest. My hair was in tight curls all over my head, my make up was kept light and my little rose gold studs pulled the look together. The not so subtle keyhole drew the attention I wanted and even brought in some donations for the organization I was in charge of for the night. 

The Los Angeles Angels foundation, for single hard working moms was an organization I started after Vinny died. He left Javi and I something even though he was a terrible person. Looking over at the crowd below me from the balcony, I felt like I owned the place. Which is how I felt at every event regardless.

“Bring back any memories?” A soft yet gentle voice awoken my senses back to reality. I saw Henry approach with a couple flutes of wine and handed one towards me. Graciously accepting the bubbly, we clink our glasses and look back over the crowd.

“I’d say so.” Looking at him from the side, I smirked. “I’ll say Mr. Kent, you clean up nicely if I do say so myself. What are the odds of us matching?”

“Well Miss Calhoun, I’d say 1 in 100. Not too many people can pull off royal blue.” His infamous subtle smile would bring anyone to their knees but for me, I'm used to it so I just smile back and think about how corny we both are to be calling each other by character names.

Fiddling with the rim of my glass, leaning firearms against the railing, I sighed in deep thought. “I still haven’t heard anything back yet about my audition. I hope I get it honestly, it would be a dream of mine to bring a character such as Nubia, to life. Especially for my baby sister Davina, she looks up to me and Morgan a lot. I want this for not just me, but for my sisters.” 

Henry had pulled me closer to his side, making it hard for me to not look at him. His soothing blue eyes, with a hint of brown in one of them, made me forget what I was wallowing in pity about.

“You will get this role and be an inspiration to all young women like you, my love. I know that for a fact, you were amazing at your audition. Who else can actually sneer at me while smirking at the same time, while giving a great performance?”

“Oh Henry, you’re just saying that because I’m your friend.” Offering a soft glance at him was short lived, being that he lifted my head up by my chin to look me in the eye.

“I’m not just saying it to say it, Miyah. You’re phenomenal at everything that you do and I wish you’d see that, just as I do.”

His words were true, solid to the core and faithful. Like a quiet day after the rain. No other man had made me feel as loved as he did, and he made sure I knew that. With a gentle nod, I gave in and smiled sweetly.

Placing the empty flute on the serving tray, I sighed happily. “Why don’t we make our rounds and greet people? I’m sure your people are expecting you just as much as my own.”

Taking my hand gently we made our way down the curved staircase, greeting our fellow friends and members we haven’t seen in years. We’ve managed to keep in contact with our mutual friends, mainly for logistics reasons. Nonetheless it’s been a pleasant few years, mainly because they told us what the other was up to. Made us both feel closer in a sense before reconnecting.

I was receiving compliments on my dress that made me feel like a goddess. All I was missing was a sword in the back of my dress, like how Diana had hers in the Wonder Woman movie. Yet with all the pleasantries out there way, awards being given to the charities, I felt an uneasy presence.

Looking around the room, to see if I could spot the person who I could feel in the room. Henry went off to talk to his friends, so that I could venture off and try to schmooze more people. Which was a big mistake in itself, yet strangely enough the feeling wasn’t so frightening. It was warm and inviting. 

“My, my. You have outdone yourself Amiyah, long time no see.” The soft crooning voice of a seasoned Italian brought back memories. 

“I do try, Marco. I have learned from the very best haven’t I?” Embracing him in a tight hug, I tried to suppress my emotions but it was to no avail. The water works were flooding back.

Marco was like my guardian angel, when Javier and I were living with Vinny. He has been there for her through the whole situation, considering he was his nephew. He knew of Vinny’s motives and habits when he was with me. I practically made him the godfather, which didn’t sit well with Vinny at the time, but he never got a say in how I raised my son because of how he treated me. I haven’t seen Marco in years since Javi and I moved away for good. He is family, and this reunion made all the difference in the end.

“You are glowing my dear, gorgeous. Simply gorgeous as always. How are you and Javier?” Placing a gentle kiss upon my head he chuckled in a joyful tone. 

“Thank you Marco, I appreciate it. Time has been good to us lately, since you know.” My voice was caught in my throat a little but I remained content.

“All good things have happened, good to hear. Listen, I'd hate to cut this conversation short my dear, but a few of my colleagues would like to speak with you at some point in time. Whenever is convenient for you, perhaps?”

I knew exactly where this was going. Well partially anyway, but the statement sounded familiar in itself. I always kept my guard up regardless of the situation. Then it clicked, I realized at this moment I would be offered a new opportunity.

I arched a brow in curiosity. “Depends on the colleagues.” 

“You remember them, Lorenzo and Matteo. They are all for the main decision at hand.”  A gentle smirk was etched on his face.

I knew where this was going. “Well I am free in a few weeks. Have them meet me at Wanda’s on 5th street at noon, on that Wednesday.”

He texted the info to the boys just so they’ll know. “Done and done. We shall see you soon, Lady Amiyah. It was great seeing you again.”

Giving him one last hug, I sighed happily. “You too Marco. Don’t be a stranger now, Javier remembers you vaguely. Stop by the house, I’ll send you the address seeing as though I still have your number.”

“Good to hear, Bella. See you soon and say hi to Henry for me.” Watching him leave with a pep in his step, brought back old memories. 

“Will do.” With that I felt at ease and I had to find my saving grace. Like clockwork, Henry found me. 

“Everything alright Miyah? Who was that guy you were talking to?”

As I arched my brow again, I could tell that my gentle giant was getting rather jealous. “Henry, are you jealous?”

He feigned a gasp of shock, scrunching up his nose. “Me? Jealous? Never, whatever gave you that idea?”

“Your nose flared before you scrunched it. If you must know, Marco is Javier’s godfather and a very generous donor too.”

“Really? Marco Ricci, as in Vinny Giovanni?” His eyes went wide as he said the names in a hushed tone.

“Yes, the very same. I’m meeting up with him, Lorenzo and Matteo for some meeting in a couple weeks. They wanted to discuss something with me.”

“Why do they want to meet with the Queen ?” Adjusting his tie, I averted his attention towards me to have him look me in the eye. I could tell the power shifted in my favor, with the way he spoke.

“Something about a business proposition, from what I’ve gathered. Everyone wants to meet with the queen, but only a few will do so.” Placing a gentle kiss along his jaw, I saw him visibly shiver in anticipation. 

A smirk gradually appeared on my face, as I saw his expression. An idea had appeared in my head once I laced our fingers together and dragged him towards a less crowded area. What a bold move I made to not wear any panties under this dress.

“You seem a little hot and bothered my love. Is everything alright?”

“Not when you’re sweet lips tease me my dear. I can barely concentrate, let alone form a complete sentence. You’re more persuasive than you give yourself credit for.” His breath hitched in his throat as I guided him into the bathroom, locking the door behind us and shoved him against the wall.

Thank god for 6 inch heels because there would be no way, I’d be the same height as Henry. He makes me feel like I can be and do anything, and right now I felt invincible.

“How persuasive am I, Cavill?” I whispered against his ear, pressing a gentle kiss on it then felt his strong hands grip my hips. Next thing I know, he lifts me on top of the counter and kisses my neck with such passion that I couldn’t even muster.

“Extremely. To the point where you have me wanting to do unthinkable things to you right here, right now.” He whispers in my ear, locking my ankles behind him as my fingers carded through his hair.

“Do it Cavill. I want you to, I need you to.” My voice shook with desire and need, I couldn’t take it anymore. I practically ripped his shirt open, he unzipped my dress slowly in a teasing manner.

The way his lips were on mine was like a drug, a need to be filled and replenished. Thankful for me being on the pill because when he sheathed himself inside of me, I felt my whole body freeze as my warm heat gripped him tight. He noticed it because he bit into my neck causing the sensation to heighten.

“Oh Henry..” the want in my voice only stirred him even more into a frenzy as he sped up his movements, causing the back of my head to hit the wall. 

“That’s it princess, louder. so everyone knows who you belong to.” His heated lips were whispering sweet nothings in an attempt to console me, but the gears shifted once I placed my lips on his neck

The gentle small gasp that escaped him as my lips glided down the side of his neck before resting at the curve. Your other hand slid lovingly under his button up shirt, and up his side before resting my palm against his exposed chest. A small, shriveled moan escaped his slightly parted lips as his hands gripped the fabric of my dress, that pooled at my hips . I teased my lips against his sensitive skin before obliging him with fervent kisses to the side of his neck. He panted in full ecstasy, broken moans encoring your efforts as I grew more aggressive. We knew there were probably people listening to how loud we were, yet we didn’t care at all.

Pulling his hair to get a better look at his flustered face, I felt a smirk dance across my face. To up the ante, I leaned my hips back and squeezed my kegel muscles as tight as I could around him. The noises he made caused me to let out a few noises myself in pure ecstasy. Dragging my nails down his toned chest caused him to drill into me faster and harder, the grip I had on his hair stayed. Remaining in constant eye contact.

“I know you’re very close to cumming, my love. I can feel you throbbing inside of me. Let go, I want you to come inside of me.” My lips danced against his ear. 

The floodgates came rushing through is both, releasing a symphonic moan, clutching each other like a leech. Having him slide out made me feel empty, like I was missing something desperately to fill the void. We helped each get cleaned up and redressed, before making an appearance out to the public. Fluffing out my curls, I saw him fix his hair as well.

“Next time, we should try cock warming because I need you in me at all times.” Licking his bottom lip, I made him shiver again, then I walked away from him to unlock the door.

“You’re gonna be the death of me woman.” He gave my ass a good smack and proceeded to walk ahead of me.

“Just call me kryptonite.” Sending a wink in his general direction, we agreed to meet back at the fountain after the event was over. Some folks definitely heard us because the looks I got were full of jealousy. Which I didn’t care one bit, he’s my man and I do what I want.

Just to end the night off with a bang, my charity received the biggest donation of the night. It only goes up from here for everyone in my circle, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.My good mood shifted once I saw a few strands of blonde hair waving in the distance next to Henry. His boisterous laugh caught my attention more, that is until I saw the face of the blonde in question. Sabrina Daniels, Henry’s old fling from our time apart. One glance at me and she smirked with an evil gleam in her eye, simultaneously touching his arm to spite me. 

We may not have publicly announced us being together publicly but, people know we have been spending time together. As god as my witness, if this girl does not stay in her place I will for sure kill her myself without hesitation. Come to think of it, I may have people to do my dirty work now. 

[emotchalla]

Tempt You - I.

A/N: Hello it’s me your neighborhood “I will have as many WIPs as I want” ass bitch back at it again with a new fic! I have not been enough of a Peaky Blinders whore on this blog and that is unfortunate because this show has owned my ass for the past 3 years. I’m particularly obsessed with one Mr. Michael Gray, and this AU is actually my own personal headcannon I’ve had stewing around in my brain for a while. It’s also loosely based on the summer I studied abroad in London and my desire to go back there! (This version of the reader is very very similar to me.) I got inspired to jot some sentences down a few days ago, and while I was traveling this weekend a bunch of it just sprawled out of me and well, here you go! This fic is inspired by “Tempt You (Evocatio)” by Nothing But Thieves, which you can listen to here. I suggest listening to the song at some point in this fic because it’s pretty integral to the way I see Michael’s perspective on this relationship. Alright let me shut up so you can get on with reading. 

**All my works are written with a Black or POC reader in mind, because I am one myself, but all readers welcome!**

Pairing: Modern!Michael Gray x Fem!Reader

Summary: Modern!Michael Gray AU. Michael Gray has everything he wants. He’s the owner and senior partner of his own law firm; he’s paved his own path away from the family business. He’s past the wild, drunken nights and cocaine benders, the bloody noses and knife wounds and the fucking Catholics. And then he meets you. Suddenly Michael realizes that he doesn’t have everything after all. 

Warnings: Swearing, Excessive flirting, Sexual tension, Michael gives off very strong sugar daddy vibes, Fluff...for now

Word Count: 3.2k+

series masterlist | main masterlist | add yourself to the taglist here | listen to “tempt you (evocatio)” here

There are a pair of eyes watching you. Warm, bright, and the prettiest shade of green with flecks of blue and gold and brown too. They’re curious eyes, ones that have been on you sine the stranger they belong to entered the Starbucks across the street from your job. He smiles softly as he watches you watch him observe you. You look up to catch his gaze and he winks. Shit. You quickly look back down at the script in front of you. You can still feel the heat of his stare as you pretend to study your lines, neglecting the obvious truth that you’d been distracted by this man from the moment he walked in. 

He’s beautiful. Dangerously so, unbridled youth mixed with the right touch of reckless mischief, and a hint of danger. He’s more than his suit suggests he is. He all but smells of wealth, and your eyes glaze over with the thought of how much money it might have cost to buy that dark blue Giorgio Armani suit and sleek black Rolex. You’ve been watching him too. He clearly takes care of himself and seems to enjoy doing it. You can picture it all: the fancy tailors, exclusive barbers, personal drivers and chauffeurs, a butler, even. What you wouldn’t give to have a life light that, to not worry about your next meal or skip out on A/C for the summer to split your rent costs in half. You dropped nearly everything to move to London, and the job you’d secured at Shakespeare’s Globe wasn’t enough for you tp pay for rent and grad school tuition. You let yourself get lost in the fantasy you’ve created about this stranger, the idea of being able to live comfortably. It’s something you desire with every part of you. 

You bite your lip as you daydream, oblivious to the fact that the stranger has left his table and approached yours. He stands and watches you for a second, amused by how easily you seem to preoccupy yourself. You’re not like other women he’s met, he knows that already. And he’s quickly overcome by the desire to know everything there is to know about you, from your favorite movies to the way you take your tea. You sigh as you start to upset yourself with so much wishful thinking, causing the stranger to chuckle, a deep rumble vibrating through his chest. You jerk your head up toward the sound to be met with those beautiful green eyes, except they’re right across from you.

“Hello,” he says with a soft smile.

“H-Hi,” you stammer, completely caught off guard.

He’s even prettier up close. He gestures toward your neglected script.

“Looks like you’ve got a lot of lines to memorize. You’re an actor, then?”

You nod.

“Yes,” you answer. “Well, trying to be,” you correct.

He frowns.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’m in school for acting, but I haven’t done much actual work apart from the scenes I’m assigned in class. I’m prepping for an audition, actually.”

You cut yourself off before you start to ramble, but the stranger doesn’t seem to mind. He looks at you expectantly, like he wants to know if you’ve finished your thought. You bite your lip to hold back the sea of worries threatening to push back your lips. This man doesn’t need to know how terrified you are about auditioning, the possibility that all of this—applying to RADA, getting accepted, moving to London, all of it—would end up being a massive failure.

“You’re an actor if you act, yeah?” he asks, and your heart flutters at the kindness in his voice.

“Y-Yeah, I guess you’re right.” you say, aiming to infuse more confidence in your voice. 

He’s intimidating, but you won’t fold that easily. 

“I often am,” he hums before gesturing toward the seat across from yours. “May I join you?”

You almost do a double take. 

“Me?” you ask, not bothering to hide the shock in your voice.

The stranger smiles at you.

“Yes, you,” he answers, giving you that same smile.

“Sure.”

He slides the chair out from under the table before seating himself across from you.

“What play are you auditioning for?”

“Hamlet at the RSC,” you begin. “One of my professors at RADA knows the director and she told me that she thinks I may have a shot at being cast. I think it’s a fucking long shot but she’s scarily confident in me so I’m pushing myself to do it even though I’m terrified and—oh my god I’m so sorry! I was about to start going off the rails.”

He shakes his head. Up until you stopped yourself he’d been hanging on to your every word. 

“Don’t apologize, Miss…” he falters.

“Y/N! I’m sorry, I completely forgot to tell you my name.”

“It’s quite alright, Miss Y/N. I neglected to tell you mine as well,” he chuckles.

Almost immediately, you feel a familiar heat building in the pit of your stomach with the sound of his laugh. There’s no denying how attractive he is. You’d be kidding yourself to even try.

“I’m Michael,” he says, extending a hand across the table.

You reach out to shake it, but he pulls your hand toward his mouth instead, pressing a kiss to the skin. 

“Pleased to meet you, Miss Y/N,” he murmurs before releasing your hand from his grip.

Those green eyes are still fixed on yours and you resist the urge to flush and giggle uncontrollably like a schoolgirl. He’s a charmer, this one. You echo his pleasure of making your acquaintance, and Michael nods toward your script again. 

“What part are you auditioning for?”

You frown and look down at your hands. Should you tell him? Would he laugh and tell you that you were right to worry? Would he shake his head and wish you luck, pitying you all the while?”

“Y/N?” he calls.

You look up to find his eyes still fiercely trained on you. 

“What part are you auditioning for, love?”

“Hamlet,” you whisper. then brace yourself for his laughter.

Michael only looks at you with that curious interest from before.

“You must be quite the actress, then.”

That was not what you were expecting him to say.

“Huh?”

Michael smiles softly at you. He was right about you being different. Here you were, probably one of the most talented people he had ever met, and he can’t detect an ounce of arrogance from you. It was a nice change of pace from the world he was used to—one filled with people who would do anything to get ahead, even if that mean destroying a life. You’re nothing like that. You’re kind, humble. A touch insecure, he can tell, but adorably soft around the edges. You remind him of beautiful summer nights in the country, scenes from his boyhood after the orphanage, before he became a man committed only to his business. You’re something akin to home. 

“You got into RADA, did you not?” Michael asks.

You nod.

“And you’re not from here, yeah?”

Michael already knows this but he wants to hear where you’re from, from your own mouth. 

“No, from the States,” you answer. “Chicago.”

“Ahh, the Windy City,” he hums. “One of my favorites.”

This makes your eyes light up and the smile that crosses your lips is stunning. Michael decides right there that he wants to make you do that many, many times. 

“When’s the last time you’ve been?” you ask.

“It’s been too long, I’m afraid. Although, I’ve been looking for a reason to go back.”

You don’t miss the subtle drop in his voice, the veiled suggestive nature imbedded within. You dare to look in his eyes and find that they’re just as intense as before, but there’s something else hidden there. A desire that matches yours.

“Well, if you feel inspired to take a visit, I think you should. Who knows, we could see each other there, too.”

“I’d quite like that,” he says, and his gaze is so intense that you have to break away to look anywhere else. Just for a moment. You reach toward your teacup to find it empty. You must have drained it earlier without recognizing. 

“Would you like another one?”

You look up to find Michael nodding at your empty teacup.

“Oh, Michael, I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

He smirks at you before reaching across the table to grab the empty cup from your hands. 

“I promise you, Y/N, it won’t set me back. It’s just a cup of tea, love.”

You nod, unable to meet his beautiful eyes. You don’t know if he’s trying to woo you on purpose but he’s doing a damned good job regardless.

“Thank you, Michael,” you manage to mutter.

He smiles at you again.

“Have you had anything to eat?”

Michael knows the answer to this as well. He’d noticed your teacup and your head buried in that script as soon as he walked in, but he doesn’t want to let on how he’d been taken with you almost immediately. Not yet. 

“No,” you admit, a little embarrassed. “I needed the caffeine to power through these lines but I kind of forgot about food if I’m being honest.”

Michael nods. He’ll have to work on that with you. 

“I’ll be right back,” he says, and then he’s gone.

You watch as he walks toward the front counter, peering at the pastries behind a glass case before heading to the register. You watch the barista at the register blush as Michael opens his mouth to order, and you fight to suppress a giggle at the bored expression on his face. He knows how attractive he is; you’re sure of that. You wonder how often he encounters people who forget how to function when he’s around. 

Michael’s eyes find yours as he waits for your order, and he shoots a boyish wink at you before gesturing toward your lines. You shake your head and mock yawn. He grins. He’s just as eager to get back to the table and keep talking to you as you are for him to return. You relax into your seat as you watch him and sigh contentedly. You have no idea what the hell is going on, but you’re not complaining. Michael watches impatiently as the same barista from earlier fumbles her way through your order. Poor girl; you’d probably react just the same if you were in her place. She keeps batting her eyelashes and asking if he needs anything, to which he huffs in annoyance and scowls at her. It’s a reluctant game of cat and mouse, and you wonder if Michael might not be fond of attention. Eventually, the barista is able to get your order together, and you watch Michael pull a twenty pound note out of his wallet to slide across the counter to her. She all but faints at the sight of it, and you shake your head as Michael rolls his eyes and starts toward you. 

“I apologize for whatever the hell that was,” he greets, setting a fresh cup of tea and a chocolate-filled croissant in front of you.

“I thought it was cute. You’re cute when you’re flustered, that is,” you say, already reaching for the croissant.

Michael’s eyes are bright as he smirks at you.

“You think I’m cute?”

You roll your eyes at him.

“You obviously know you are.”

He chuckles. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever considered myself ‘cute’ in my life,” he jokes, relief settling into his skin as he watches you eat. 

“Well you can lie to yourself all you want but I said what I said.”

Michael’s eyebrows raise. So you have got a mouth on you after all. 

“Oh, is it like that?”

You watch as his tongue darts out to lick along his bottom lip and briefly lose yourself at the thought of having that same tongue somewhere else. 

“Thank you for entertaining the obviously infatuated barista to get me something to eat,” you say sincerely, and the mood shifts.

You are so unbelievably sweet, Michael thinks. He wants to corrupt you. Not yet, he tells himself. Not yet. Michael asks you more about how you made it to London, and you talk him through the whirlwind of your life post-undergrad. You had always intended on becoming a professional actor, but the road was hard and nothing was certain. You’d bounced around between part-time jobs to help your dad around the house as you transitioned into postgrad life, but you knew that wasn’t where you wanted to be. In your sophomore year of college, you got the opportunity to study Shakespeare in London for the summer and since then, you’d wanted to return: for grad school this time. You went out on a limb and applied to the Royal Academy of the Dramatic Arts—one of the hardest acting schools in London, let alone the world, to get into—and by some grace of god, you were admitted. You moved at once. Packed up your few belongings and took a one-way flight to London, your fancy new student visa gripped tightly in your hand. You wormed your way into a position as an administrative assistant at Shakespeare’s Globe, but had yet to land an acting gig whose stipend might help ease the burden of your constantly accumulating bills. You were one of the only Americans in your program, and while you were well-liked, you felt like you always had to prove yourself. It was a lot of pressure. 

“No wonder you’re so stressed about this audition,” Michael mutters, his beautiful face set in a frown.

You shrug. 

“If I get it, it’ll be amazing but if not I’ll figure something out. I have to.”

You look down at your teacup, keeping your eyes trained on the dark liquid to prevent budding tears from falling. Michael sighs. He takes the time to think about what he’s planning to offer, and measures his words. He doesn’t want to scare you off, but he wants to help. 

“Y/N, I—”

A shrill ring cuts him off. Michael rolls his eyes and pulls a cell phone from his pocket. He taps the screen before pressing it to his ear.

“Gray,” he answers.

You watch as he gets pulled into what is obviously a work call. He glances over at your half-eaten croissant.

Eat, he mouths.

“So bossy,” you whisper, picking up the pastry.

Brat, he mouths again, watching you start to eat the rest of the croissant. His assistant, Finn—also his younger cousin—was calling to remind him about a meeting with a client he’d definitely forgotten, and he couldn’t be bothered to care about it when you were sat in front of him. 

“I’ll be back to the office soon, Finn,” he groans. “We can talk about it there.”

Finn must say something snarky because Michael laughs before muttering ‘fuck off,’ and hanging up. 

“Sorry about that, love,” he apologizes. 

You shake your head.

“You’re a busy man I assume?”

He chuckles to himself. 

“You don’t know the half of it.”

You take the last bite of your croissant, and Michael hums to himself, happy that you’ve gotten something on your stomach. He clears his throat.

“I wanted to ask you something, Y/N.”

You smile at him before taking a sip of tea.

“Shoot.”

“What would you say if I offered to help out with your bills?”

You nearly choke on your tea.

“If you what?”

“Well, I was thinking earlier—when you were talking about school and making rent—that if I helped you out with that bit, things could be a little easier on you.”

He blushes crimson when he says it, green eyes searching yours. You shake your head.

“Michael, I could never pay you back for that.”

“You wouldn’t have to. I want to help you, Y/N.”

You sigh. 

“Can I…can I think about it? This is all a little…”

“Overwhelming?” he suggests.

“Yes,” you breathe. 

He smiles at you. 

“Take all the time you need, love.”

He reaches across the table to take your hand in his. 

“Let me build you something better, Y/N,” he whispers. 

You know that if you look into his eyes right now you will combust. You need to relieve the tension somehow. 

“You know,” you joke. “Sugar daddies are supposed to be old.”

Michael roars with laughter and you can’t help but giggle along wit him as people’s heads turn in your direction, the entirety of Starbucks now focused on your table tucked in the back corner. Even the flirty barista watches the two of you, eyeing your hand clasped in Michael’s, his thumb rubbing soft circles into your skin. 

“Is that what I’d be?” he asks, amused.

You giggle again.

“Pretty much.”

He rolls his eyes.

“I’m much more of a ‘sir’ than a ‘daddy,’ but I’ll play your game, sweet thing.”

Your heart hammers in your chest as his words take their effect on you. You look up to find him watching you, awaiting your next move. Before you can respond, his phone cuts through the conversation again.

“Fucking hell, Finn,” he growls, before he silences the ringer. 

“Can I see you again?” he asks, eyes back on yours. 

“I’d like that.”

“What are you doing Saturday night?”

A small smile crosses your lips as you look up at him through your lashes. 

“Going out with you.”

He grins at you before pulling his hand away from yours to grab his phone. He hands it to you. 

“Put your number in there. I’ll text you.”

You nod and type in your number before handing the phone back to him. He moves to stand up from the table, and your disappointment must show on your face because he smiles down at you. 

“I gotta head back to the office before Finn bloody tracks me down and drags me there himself,” he apologizes, reaching for the suit jacket he’d strung across the back of the chair.

You watch the fabric of his shirt flex and stretch around taut muscle as he shrugs the jacket on, and Michael doesn’t miss the way your teeth graze that plump bottom lip of yours. He’s just as attracted to you as you are to him, and he wants to tell Finn to piss off and spend the rest of the day chauffeuring you around the city and spoiling you absolutely rotten. It’s been a long time since he’s wanted someone like this, and Michael is thrilled that it’s you. He reaches down to cup your cheek in his hand.

“I’ll text you, yeah?”

You nod. Michael pulls away from you and gets his wallet from his pocket. He pulls out a business card and slides it over to you. He gives you one last wink before he’s gone, out of the Starbucks and into the busy London afternoon. You bring your teacup to your lips. The liquid inside has since grown cold but there’s a fire ablaze within you. Michael fucking Gray.

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[mithrilwren]

Movie breakdown number 2 of the day! I just saw Cats! I really enjoyed it! Let’s go!

Ok, so like, I don’t really know how to structure this, so I’m just going to go song by song and bookend it by general thoughts!

Overall, the uncanny valley I was expecting got pretty bearable within the first few minutes. The tail twitches got me at first, but I ended up really liking what they did with the CGI portions of the costumes, particularly the emotive ears (especially on Victoria, who just wins for emotiveness overall). I think the reason it feels strange in the first scene in particular is that we’re still in a relatively... tame setting? Like, we see Victoria flung from a bag into a regular old street, and so we haven’t got that heightened sense of reality yet, the kind that really kicks off as soon as we jump into The Old Gumbie Cat and things get real wack-a-doodle. The film’s commitment to outrageous sets and acting and choreography and ridiculousness really works with the CGI - I don’t think you could do one without the other. Like @paladinical said, you’ve just got to buy in.

Alright, to the songs!

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats - I did not expect to get drawn in so quickly, but as soon as the first strains of this song hit, I was flung backwards in time to being seven and watching the Cats stage movie for the first time. I must confess, I got chills at the line “Do you know how to get to the Heavyside Layer?” It was also pretty clear to me from this song that they actually hired very talented singers, whose vocal quality doesn’t feel out of place in this sort of broadway production (more on that later). Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED Tom Hooper’s Les Mis with all my heart, but if I could name one weakness about that film, it was a lack of vocal cohesion. The actors might have been alright singers in their own right, but they certainly didn’t have tone qualities that blended together nicely (with the exception of Les Amis, who not coincidentally, I think, were primarly made up of theatre actors). I was really impressed with how well everyone matched here. This is also the first time we get to see ‘main cat dude’ (apparently his name is...  Munkustrap????? idk man I don’t remember them mentioning his name). That character has to be able to carry the entire structure of the musical on charisma alone, and man does this actor deliver. Instantly engaging, might be my favourite voice of the whole cast. Definitely a good choice for the part. 

Naming of the Cats - creepy, just as it should be. I was already really happy here with what they chose to do re. Victoria as POV character. Getting to see her reactions - fear morphing into delight - really helps bring the audience along on the journey.

The Old Gumbie Cat - I always find it unfortunate that this is the first big cat song of the musical, because I (personally) find it the least interesting of the whole bunch - I never cared for it in the movie version either. And this is where I come back to vocal cohesion from above - I like Rebel Wilson well enough as an actor, but I found her the weakest vocalist of the movie. Comparatively, her singing sounded thin, and surprisingly pitchy in parts, and I was a little worried going out of this song that that’s what I’d have to expect from the rest of the famous contingent of the cast. Luckily, that turned out not to be true, but it couldn’t rescue this song for me. 

The Rum Tum Tugger - Fun fact, the first time I was ever called a bitch in my memory, it was for telling a girl in high school that Jason DeRulo just Wasn’t That Good. (In hindsight, I deserved it - I was kind of being a dick about it.) Anyways, I actually loved him here! I found his Rum Tum Tugger a little more endearing than the stage film - I got the sense that the other cats weren’t so much swooning/orgasming over him, as just humouring his antics, like any good friends would. He had a really pleasant sound, and his dance movies were great. I also just really enjoyed seeing him in the background of other scenes. That’s another overall comment, I liked how the cast so much felt like a CAST, rather than a bunch of individual actors here to sing their big parts and be done. You got to see these big names playing background in other peoples’ scenes! That was cool!

Gonna skip over Memory for now

Grizabella the Glamour Cat - Not too much to say on this one, other than it was interesting that this film actually gave the rest of the cats a reason to hate her, other than her being ugly and old. She joined with Macavity! Though they must have had a falling out. I do love Victoria as the newcomer, and the bridge who is able to see Grizabella with fresh eyes.

Bustapher Jones - I actually quite like this song, and thought it started strong. Maybe this is just my prior expectations creeping in, but I always liked the idea of Bustapher Jones as this legitimately dignified, if a little stuffy, cat, that the others respect and only affectionately rib at. I’m not sure how I feel about his transformation to absolute buffoonery here - no, that’s a lie. I didn’t like it. I wish they hadn’t gone for the cheap ‘oh he’s fat’ laughs. I think they could have done something more clever with it. _shruggie_

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer - I confess, the first part of this song threw me, because it sounded so different to what I remembered. I actually listened to the original soundtrack version on the bus ride home, and was doubly confused to find the two matched pretty well. Finally, I watched the stage movie version, and I saw what the disconnect was. The stage movie had, at least from what I could tell, a fair bit more syncopation, and both the OST and this movie kept the meter straight, which made the two sound slightly less off-kilter than I was expecting. That being said, once I got past the difference, this might be my favourite scene-by-scene shot of all the cat songs. It was just so much fun. I adore the idea of sweet Victoria having genuine fun making trouble with these two screwballs, who as much as they’re working with Macavity at times, don’t seem to have bad hearts past wanting to make mischief. I was smiling the whole way through.

Old Deuteronomy - Aka the song where I fell asleep the first time I watched this movie. I had forgotten Judi Dench was playing the character! She definitely elevated the part for me - solemn but playful, and affectionate in a way that makes me understand why the other cats respect her.

The Jellicle Ball - Man, this choreography was real good. Victoria, again, stands out - her movement quality is just beautiful, so strong and fluid, and charismatic cat dude is back at it again!

Beautiful Ghosts - If we’re going to go back to comparisons between this and Les Mis, I do think this new song fits better into the makeup of the play than Suddenly did there. Victoria has a very sweet voice, and her continually reaching out to Grizabella has to be one of the most emotionally affecting parts of the whole movie. She just wants her to come inside, like she was welcomed inside! It’s so sweet and good!

Gus the Theatre Cat - Speaking of emotionally affecting, Ian McKellan went for it, eh? I didn’t even remember this song existed, but McKellan’s earnestness really shone through and made it something special.

Skimbleshanks - Another song I didn’t remember existing! And will probably forget again come nightfall, but I thought the sound design in the railway tapping sequence was super cool.

Macavity - I didn’t even realize that was Taylor Swift until halfway through the song, so kudos to her! (Another fun fact: I once sang this song for an audition and got totally lambasted by the directors because it apparently shows off nothing about your vocal range or ability. Which, again, fair.) This song is delighfully campy, and it was so fun to finally get to see Macavity out of the shadows. Idris Elba was clearly having fun for this whole film, and I loved watching him be deliciously evil.

Mr. Mistofelees - This is definitely a departure from what I remember from the stage show, which is... nothing. I vaguely remember Mr. Mistofeless sort of being a non-entity in the actual story, as much as I liked his song. They did a better job in this movie of setting him up with an actual presence in other parts of the film, so when we get to this elevated, suddenly-plot-relevant rendition, we actually care about him and want him to succeed.

Memory - I straight up didn’t like this song going in. I’ve never liked it. I found it trite, and boring, and could not comprehend why it was so popular. Congratulations, Jennifer Hudson, for making me start to get it. Mostly, though, the biggest thing that I think made a huge difference in how much more I liked this song here than I have before, is that they made the line “Touch me!” mean something. There’s so much in the language of touch in this film, that’s been firmly established before we get to this song. The cats nuzzle, they dance together, they lie together, they mimic each other. And their refusal to get near Grizabella says so much without needing words. I didn’t shed a tear, but I certainly got emotional when Deuteronomy and Grizabella finally touched foreheads. Acceptance, without words. Really beautiful.

Ok, I think that’s it! Overall, I thought this movie was pretty dang good. I’d put it on again just to watch the choreography. With some minor exceptions, I’d probably listen to the sountrack again too! I think the strongest points for me were definitely the way that the cast of characters felt like an affectionate, cohesive family, and the commitment to the sentimentality of it all. If there’s one thing I can call this film, it’s earnest, and it was so nice to go into something that didn’t reek of cynicism, but of hope, and found family, and second chances. 

@paladinical that got a little longer than I anticipated! Hopefully you enjoy my rambling thoughts, haha.

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 57

Chapter Summary - Danielle wakes in the middle of the night feeling very sick, but doesn't tell Tom, when he finds her a while later, he realises she is not fully at ease with certain things, telling him that their talk is all the more important. The next day, feeling better, they talk about their issues and insecurities, hoping they are on the same page.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller​ @fairlightswiftly​ @salempoe​ @lys-syl @youcantcatchafallingstar

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

When Danielle woke, she groaned slightly; her head was spinning and all she could think about was how much everything seemed to be hurting. She gently removed herself from Tom's arms and rushed to the door, choosing to go to the main bathroom and not her en suite one. Keeping as quiet as she could, she ran to the toilet bowl and vomited violently, after several minutes, she finally finished dry-heaving and realised she had a splitting headache to go with her nausea. Grabbing the towel from its rack, she placed it on the tiled floor and lay her head on it, her breathing slowing again now that she did not feel like her blood was on fire.

Tom's brows furrowed as he felt the sheets next to him for Danielle, only to find them empty, forcing himself to awaken more, he turned on the light next to him and looked around. There was no light from the en suite, the door of which was slightly ajar and the sheets next to him were cold and...as he felt them, he realised they were damp, as was the pillow. Concerned, he rose to his feet and grabbed his boxers, which were still beside the bed from the night before and rubbed his hand over his face to help wake himself, the cold chill of the winter night caused him to shiver slightly and he then realised the bedroom door was opened slightly, so he walked into the hallway. "Elle?" He called as he opened the door, noticing the light beaming out from under the main bathroom door, he walked over and knocked. "Elle?"

"Tom," Tom's heartfelt as though it was about to explode in his chest when he heard how faint and pathetic her voice was. "Tom."

He pushed open the door and winced slightly. The stench of sweat and vomit were the first things to hit him, but when he saw Danielle covered in sweat and shivering on the cold tiled floor, he forgot the foul smells and knelt down to her. "Elle."

"I think I'm sick."

Tom looking at her for a moment before he chuckled, "I think you might be." he agreed. "Why didn't you call me?"

"I didn't want to disturb you."

"You are the silliest woman." he shook his head. He reached down to pull her into his arms and walk her back to bed. "How long have you been here?" He asked worriedly, realising just how cold she was.

"I woke at about one."

"Elle, it is four-thirty, you have been here for over three hours on a cold floor, what were you thinking?" He snapped worriedly.

"I'm sorry."

Danielle's response was so feeble and meek, Tom felt guilty for even sounding clipped. "I know, I'm sorry if I sound mad, I just don't want you to be getting more sick." He stroked her hair and scooped her into his arms.

"No, I smell." Her attempts to wriggle out of his grip were laughable.

"I know, because you are sick and I am going to bring you back to bed and you are going to get some medication and we will have you right as rain again soon," he promised as he walked through the hallway and back to her room.

"But the bed."

"Elle, the sheets are already damp because of you."

"I'm surprised you are not trying to take credit for that." Tom chuckled at her words. "I'm sorry I ruined Christmas."

"Elle, you did not..."

"I went into hospital Christmas Eve, I made Emma mad again Christmas day, and I am sick on Stephens' Day." She listed.

"You had a fall, Emma is being a brat and you cannot help whatever this is, what is it anyway? I am not sick, so I don't think it is food-related."

"I don't know," Danielle groaned, curling into a ball as soon as she was placed in the bed.

Tom went to retrieve some paracetamol and ibuprofen she kept in the bathroom. "Which ones?"

"Only the panadol, you can't mix ibuprofen with diffene," she explained. Tom fed her the painkillers and got in beside her, using his body heat to warm her. "I am so run down." She moaned.

"Could you be...?" Tom asked warily.

"Could I be what?"

"Pregnant?"

Danielle froze for a moment. "I could, but I don't think so." She dismissed.

"We have sex, a lot, and I don't think in the time we've been together, you've..."

"Bled? No, I don't on the bar. It is the reason I am on it, if I wasn't, you'd know, trust me. As for pregnancy, it's the best thing on the market and I don't feel like my boobs are sore or bigger, nor do I feel bloated, I don't think it's anything like that, so I don't think you have to worry."

"It's not that I am worried, it's just..."

"Too soon?" She answered. "If Emma thought us spending the next few months seeing if we can go without strangling one another was bad," she laughed. "I think it is just being run down, not enough sleep, food and fresh air, my body is telling me to behave and look after myself." She dismissed as she began to warm up again. "Don't worry."

"Well get some more sleep, and I mean it, wake me if you feel ill again, alright?"

"I promise," Danielle swore, falling back asleep, her body warming as she did.

A few hours later, it was actually Danielle that was first to wake, and bar a small twinge in her temple, felt as though she was well-rested, if not tender-stomached and hungry. Tom was snoring ever so slightly in his sleep, causing her to grin and look at him before slipping out from under the covers, and even with the heating having warmed the house, she shivered for a moment as she made her way to the bathroom and took a diffene for her wrist, knowing it would help her head too. Feeling crap from her night, she decided to just throw on the shower and begin the day feeling fresh. As soon as the steam began to come out of the showerhead, she jumped in, moaning as the warm water hit her, making her feel almost human again. She was in there a few moments when she remembered she was wearing the brace and took it off, popping it on the radiator in hopes of getting it to get dried once more.

She was barely in there a few minutes when a shadow came into view. "Are you joining me?" She grinned.

Tom opened the shower door, naked and smiled at her. "Feeling better?"

"Stupid migraines, I haven't had one with vomiting in years, that wasn't fun."

"I can well imagine." He stepped in and closed the door behind him, sighing contently as the warm water hit him too. "I am glad you feel better, but you are going to have to start talking to me when you are sick."

"I know." She gave an apologetic smile. "I will."

"You say that, but you said so after your fall too, why won't you trust me?"

"I do trust you."

"Then why is this something you fight so ardently?"

"Because you're Tom Hiddleston and can have any woman you want and I am just a no one, frumpy, short and boring, seeing me sick is not going to make me any more attractive and when I am injured, I am not the strong sort of woman you like." She explained.

Tom stared at her for a moment, in truth, he thought she had to be joking, but her sheepish demeanour told him that she genuinely thought herself beneath him. "Elle, we all get sick, everyone does, the sexiest person alive gets sick and no one can pull off sick as sexy, and as for you not being strong, you came over here, alone, and made the life you wanted for yourself, you refuse to take shit from anyone, including the biggest brat to ever hit the music industry and you got her to back down from you, not the other way around and you think yourself weak, you are terrifyingly strong." He declared. "I am terrified you want someone stronger than me, someone, who can deal with things better than I can."

"You deal with everything so well, you don't ever seem phased."

"I shit myself all the time, interviews, auditions, hell even if I see a camera pointing at me or a fan walking over to me in the street, because I have no idea what is going to happen and I can't control it, but you, you take control, Taylor Fucking Swift came up to you and you dismissed her as a talentless nobody whose opinion was irrelevant, think about that, she had the gumption to state she was not complicit in any of that song of its lyrics, then was caught lying on camera and still held her head high as though she was not caught out and you had her scuttling off like a beetle. You are terrifying and fiery and I am so often terrified I am not good enough for you."

Danielle gave a small grin, "Well, yeah, when you say it like that I sound badass." She let the waterfall on her face for a moment before wiping it off again and looking at him. "How about we have breakfast and have that talk?"

"I think we need to." he agreed. "But before we go any further, this is not to end things, not to destroy what we're building, right?"

"I want to talk about everything, not just the random statement about two to three kids and a house in a suburb, a proper conversation on it all."

"Well, any boy is going to Eton, that's a must, and don't let Benedict say that Harrow is better because that is bullshit, I will tell you that now." He stated, causing Danielle to smile before she reached for her shampoo.

*

"So, sitting room or in here?" Danielle looked at Tom as she placed the last of their dishes on the side of the sink to drain. "To talk." She looked at him slightly apprehensively. "You seemed so sure about it a short while ago."

"I was hoping we could go out and do it." Tom frowned at her. "Walk Mac and talk. I feel like I haven't walked my own dog is a couple of weeks and after being cooped up all yesterday and for ages before Christmas, I want some fresh air."

"What if someone spots us?"

"We'll go to the woods, if there is someone there, they deserve to get photos. We don't have to." she backtracked.

"You...you want to risk being seen?" There was a glint of excited hope in his voice.

"I want to be with you, Tom, I don't particularly like the idea that someday, I will be on a tabloid comparing me to Taylor and being viciously attacked for existing by random people online, but yes, I want to be with you in public, well, start the process anyway." She smiled.

"I'll get Mac's lead," Tom stated, rushing off with a large goofy grin on his face. Smiling, Danielle dried her hands and retrieved her jacket. "We'll take the car out since you were ill this morning; actually, should we call the hospital, you did have the fall, are they related?"

"I don't think so, I think it was just an exhaustion migraine."

"Maybe we should anyway..."

"Tom, if I feel ill again, I will fully consent to you bringing me to the hospital, but I feel fine, so please, let's just go." She stated.

"Fine, I need a cover for the back seat, I cannot imagine Mac is going to be overly clean after our walk."

"In the press where his lead is, there are plastic-backed blankets just for him." She instructed. "Here."

"No, you're injured, I have them," Tom went and got what was needed. "I am going to get some old clothes so I don't care if I get ruined, you get yourself and Mac ready." He instructed.

"Yes, sir." Danielle gave a small military salute and giggled. "Tell your mam where we are going too, she would go mad if the day after she warns me to be good, I run off and ignore her."

"She'd appreciate that." Tom nodded. "Off with you." He walked over to his mothers, his Jaguar still outside Danielle's door from collecting her from the hospital two days previous, when he entered his mother's, he chuckled slightly. His niece had apparently not forgotten she only say half of the movie and forced them all to watch it again, much to her father's chagrin. "Elle and I are walking Mac in the woods, we'll be back in about two hours." He informed them.

"The two of you?" Sarah smiled.

"Yes, we need to talk about a few things, and Mac needs a walk, so it makes sense to sort it all together."

"Is everything alright?" Diana asked worriedly.

"Great, we just want to talk about some things in general mum, nothing to worry about," Tom promised. "She just wanted me to tell you we were going because she knows after the last day, you would be worried."

Diana gave an uncertain smile, "Thank you, darling."

Giving his mother a kiss on the cheek, he ran upstairs and got what he needed before he ran down again, with his car keys in hand and ran out to his car, where Mac and Danielle were waiting patiently. "Ready?"

"We are." Her smile filled him with confidence that they would easily be able to talk through everything and achieve whatever they needed to.

There was very little said between the house and the woods, both thinking over everything they had to say, Mac Tíre happily lying on the back seat looking at the world going by. They parked up at the gate that Danielle had waited for an ambulance at. "Where is your bike, by the way?"

"It got badly damaged in the fall," She sighed. "The guy that found me works for the park, he said they will scrap it, it's all it's good for now." She explained as they got out and locked the car. "Will this be alright here?" She pointed to the car.

"How many are going to try and rob the only Jag I have ever seen around here?" Tom chuckled. "It is fine." They walked in a little, Mac off the lead so he could sniff around, but Tom kept his lead ready in case they needed it. "Where do we start?"

"Well, we could do a loop and come back here, but you have to makes sure on the fourth crossroads you take a right."

"I meant in this conversation, Elle."

"I know, I was just trying to not be the one to start it," she explained. "Right, so I guess we start with what we want from this. Both of us aren't in this for some fun I take it, this is a serious, wanting to try and start a life together relationship."

"Aiming towards marriage and kids down the road in a few years if it works," Tom stated.

"So that's a start. I am not overly bothered on marriage, I mean if I get married, great, but to me, it is a piece of paper, it is not as important as people make it out to be." She explained.

"You still feel like that?" Tom asked, remembering her saying something to Emma a few years previous on the matter.

"I want a proper happy relationship, a piece of paper does not dictate your happiness in a relationship." She explained further. "If in a few years, you and I are still doing this, and marriage seems like a good step, I would happily do so, but it is not a requirement for me is what I am saying."

"Alright, and kids?"

"Nice, but again, not a requirement. I have plans I want to get done first." She explained. "You?"

"I don't want to have children in the same position as I was in, I want it to be done properly, two parents, happy together."

"Is that part of the reason you discuss my parents, you think I have the background that would make it more likely to happen?"

"I never thought of anything like that, consciously anyway, but it could be that; I cannot say what my subconscious thinking, but in truth, no I had not thought of that," Tom answered honestly. "Does my parent's break-up make you feel somewhat worried?"

"No, we are not our parents, their good or their bad. Your parents were not happy, what is the point them being in a bad marriage if it would have affected you, Em's and Sarah negatively. You had two homes where your parents were more at peace, and in turn able to parent you better than one toxic home." She stated.

"Fair point." Tom conceded. "So this plan of yours?"

"I want to further myself in this job, I want to be the one that the studio contracts, not being called in by a firm for a studio." She stated. "I want it that I answer to me, if I am up at four am for a shoot, then I am the one bringing home all the cash, not someone else sitting in a swivel chair in an office getting the lion's share and me pulling only a salary." She explained.

"You see, you have so much drive." Tom pointed out. "What do I need to do to help you achieve that?"

"If I say that I need to study, let me; if I pull a fifteen-hour day, drag me away from said study for food." She suggested.

"Only if you do the same with me and scripts."

"Deal." She smiled fondly. "I promise to keep you in tea and other sustenance too."

"Well then, it appears we have an accord my darling." He grinned, taking her injured hand and gently kissing it. "What are we going to do when this comes out?"

"Us?" Tom nodded. "Do we get a warning?"

"Magazines, usually yes, fans and online, usually no."

"I think we should be prepared, we should have a picture, one of us, happy and pre-planned, doing something natural, at home on the couch, out with Mac, something that is really us, and when they all come for their blood, we use that, give it to your social media, take their power off them, give people the details before they can."

Tom smiled, "That is a great idea."

"I want this to be ours for as long as we can, but if there is a chance we are spotted, I want you to do what you can to release it first. If there is a situation where we know it will be public, say an event where we can't prevent it, do it as far in advance of it as possible."

"Alright."

"I am not a very public person Tom, I am not good with dressing beautifully and looking good for a camera, I am not sure if I can ever do for you what Sophie does for Ben."

"I disagree with your idea of your beauty, but would never force you to. If you are not willing to go on a red carpet, I don't want to do that to you." Danielle said nothing for a short while. "What is it?"

"I thought things were getting better with Emma, but she went back to being mad as soon as we mentioned me staying with you."

"She needs to get over herself, she is five months older than you and half your maturity," Tom growled. "She and Jack moved in together and I said nothing, literally nothing, because I knew they were happy together and he would treat her right, she needs to extend the same courtesy to us."

"I just want my friend back."

"I know, darling." Tom pulled her close to him. "What other concerns do you have?"

"How do I prepare for people saying I am nothing but a golddigger?"

"I'm afraid I have no idea."

"Really, not even after the summer, I mean, every second paper was saying you were after a Sugar Mama."

Tom scoffed. "Really?"

"Yes."

"I never noticed."

"How do you ignore that sort of thing?"

"I don't read about myself online, I once did it, and they were all discussing what I am like in bed, that put a quick end to that."

"I hope they were at least complimenting."

"There are social media pages dedicated to discussing my size." He exclaimed.

"Were they generous?"

"Not the point, Elle."

"Well, at least they are nice about you."

"Some are, others aren't, especially after..."

"Well some people were never going to be happy anyway, others probably just held that opinion of her, to begin with, and wondered what brought you two together."

"Do you wonder?"

"No, I don't, and I don't care." She stated firmly.

"Why did you react like that?" Tom asked. "So vehemently against even knowing."

"I don't want to know Tom, I don't discuss Paul, I don't want to discuss Taylor, it is weird to focus on exes, I don't mind discussing her new songs or how Paul is doing, but the relationships, no, unless there is something long term as a result, I'm good not knowing."

"Okay..."

"Do you want to know the intricate details of my time with Paul?" Tom's facial expression answered her question. "Well, same here. They both have their lives, we are trying to sort ours, so we will leave it at that."

Tom gave her a loving smile. "You are so mature, you know that?"

"I am in my late twenties, if I wasn't by now, I would be worried."

"Well so many people remain bitter."

"Why, though, I mean, then they are taking up space in your head and preventing you from being happy if you do that, so off with them."She shrugged. "Now, enough on that, what else do you and I need to talk about?"

"The house?"

"Yours or mine?"

"The one in London."

"So yours."

"If it's your home Elle, it is not mine, it is ours."

"Your name is on the deeds."

"That shouldn't matter too much, should it?"

"I suppose not." Her tone defeated.

Tom looked at her, "You can choose not to stay if you want."

"I want to, I am just scared."

"Of what?"

"If I alter things, put new books in, borrow one and you go looking for it; if I do something to something you don't want to be touched..."

"Hey, stop that now." Tom stood in front of her, "I gave you that key because I wanted you to feel comfortable, because I know you are going to be very busy and tired for the next few months with work and to ensure we got to see each other as often as possible in that time, I did not do so without thinking of the alterations that would no doubt happen with us both being there. I saw how you were over the past couple of weeks, and I know you were so busy you did not get a chance to actually get comfortable, but bar your terrible book organisational skills, I know you're tidy, jovial and quiet the most of the time, I actually like that."

"Really, attacking my books, again."

"Darling, there is nothing wrong with your books, how you organise them is the issue."

Danielle threw her eyes up at him, causing him to chuckle before getting serious again. "Are you worried about when I am away?"

"About being by myself, not that no, I can handle that."

Tom processed her words, "But you are concerned?" Danielle failed to respond. "What are you scared of?"

"You work with gorgeous, funny, intelligent women." Tom froze, knowing what she was implying. "If you rather one of them, could you please just, I dunno, send me a text, ring me, do anything other than waiting until after, or not tell me and let me find out some terrible way." she looked at him pleadingly. "I don't want to be made a fool of Tom, especially, Jesus, if it ended up on a rag paper and the whole world knew before me, I couldn't take the looks or sympathy, or in some cases, delight."

Tom looked at her for a moment, he was hurt she would think him capable of that, he was never one to consider such a thing, but he wasn't an idiot, it happened a lot in his industry, every second week if rag mags were to be believed. "I would not do that, you know that right? But, if by some chance I did find myself wanting to do such, I would never hurt you like that." He promised, looking directly into her eyes. "I mean it, Elle, I could not do that to you."

"Okay, please just remember that. I rather be heartbroken that we didn't last than crushed by you trying to say you're sorry or you didn't want to hurt me. I rather be hurt by the honesty than by betrayal."

"I will, but on that note, I know I am not always home, I know I am gone a lot and that has been a reason why I have not partaken in relationships a lot over the past few years, I don't like the idea of leaving someone behind. If I neglect you if another man realises just how amazing you are when I am not there, if he..." Tom swallowed hard at the words he was forcing out. "If he gives you what I can't, please, I..."

Danielle gave him a comforting smile. "We respect each other enough to do the right thing, deal?"

"Deal." Tom's eyes were glassy, the idea of Danielle casting him aside for someone else, alone hurt him more than he thought it would. She was not someone who would cheat, she seemed to be almost aggressive towards those who were, it was something she had never understood or stood for, even when a friend of hers in a terrible marriage had cheated, as much as she hated the husband and thought the friend should leave, she still snapped at the woman for lowering herself to such a level. He felt somewhat unsure of what to do next until Danielle placed her hand in his.

"So, really, you'd want to ship your hypothetical sons to Eton?"

"I didn't mind it."

"I thought you said you felt alone there?"

"But it is a good education."

"And what of your daughters, should you have some?" She asked curiously.

"Why don't you like the idea of private schools?"

"Private schools is one thing, boarding schools are another; I hated it." Tom paused and looked at her. "I lasted one semester, and when I came home for Christmas, I refused to go back."

"I didn't..."

"I know, so when you said my parents didn't want to invest in my education, they did, I just didn't want that. I was happier in a normal school."

"I never should have said that. Did I even apologise for it, I am so sorry for the horrible things I said to you that day, for how I acted, when you had had such a terrible night."

"In your defence, I used the 'p' word, so I sort of deserved it." She countered. "So, are we okay?"

"I think so, I cannot think of anything else right now. I cannot believe I am finally discussing these things, I thought I had ruined any chance of all of this for myself."

"How so?"

"I kept pushing people away."

"Why did you let me in?"

"Because when I think about having something with you, I feel excited. I have not felt that before."

"Well, I mean, I am fabulous." She grinned, fanning herself.

"I concur." Tom smiled, taking her hand and kissing it again. "Are we already nearly back to the car?"

"Yep."

"Good, I want lunch."

Danielle laughed, "How are you as lithe as you are?"

"Well of late, I have been partaking in some very amorous acts that aid me in maintaining my physique."

"Is that right?" Danielle gave a smirk and a raised brow. "How very good of your significant other to be so selfless as to assist you in such a manner."

"I know, and I think I know how to thank her."

"Well now, you have me wanting to run back to the car."

"Good." Tom burst into a sprint.

"What! Not fair, I'm short." Danielle shouted as she started to run.

"Excuses." Tom laughed as he ran on, seeing her follow, Mac Tíre easily outstripped them, circling around the pair several times as they ran as though taunting them of his speed and durability.

"That was mean." Danielle puffed as she slowed down at the car.

Tom leant against it, feeling somewhat out of breath himself. "I won."

"You had a head start and long legs you fucker, that's cheating."

"I can't help my height."

"Neither can I." she walked over to him, but before she could poke or elbow him, Tom pulled her to him and looked down at her.

"I am so glad I finally have you."

"You're not so bad yourself, Hiddles." She leant up and kissed him.

"What if someone catches us?"

"Fuck em." she grinned, kissing him again.

[anythingsaidproductions]

My song “Riot Grrrl Zine” is a long time coming from the way I grew up. Being a child in the 90’s put me in an odd spot with finding what it was to be empowered as a girl. Flooded with pop culture, I became immersed in a certain idea of “GIRL POWER” that would later drown me. I saw women who performed music in an entirely different way than I saw men. Therefore, as I grew into a young woman who, herself, wanted to be a singer, my idea of what I had to look like became my main focus.

I appreciated the large landscape of possibilities with music from a young age. I loved how it made me feel, without having to be touched. As I grew up, insecurities would set in, and self doubt would pave the way to self sabotage. The desire inside to sing and perform music has never been questioned. I simply didn’t see in the mirror what I saw on TV, or in magazines. The reality of being a pop singer felt like less of a possibility as time went on.

By the time I was 15, I had dealt with “normal” issues like parents divorcing, moving towns, and gaining emotional-eating weight. The end result left me unhappy with my body and unhappy with myself ultimately. At that age, I had made attempts at self-harm and being bulimic, but I wasn’t able to push past the physical pain of it. When a friend of mine gave me a burned CD of The Used’s self-titled album, I was reminded of how music numbed my emotional pain. I couldn’t get enough of this beautiful, angry and very sad music. Anything in this genre, I became obsessed with. Linkin Park, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance became my remedy to life.

By the time I was 18, I was figuring out music was my only answer. I remembered how badly I wanted to be a pop star when I was younger, but I didn’t look like Britney or Christina. I started desperately seeking a woman to look to for guidance. Paramore became my rock. They embodied the music that got me through my years, but had a woman singer who I could relate to. I no longer wanted to be a popstar, I wanted to be able to sing. Sing my heart out with every bit of pain I was drowning in.

The problem was that every time I opened my mouth to sing, my childhood insecurities resurfaced. I was comparing myself to the level of talent and skill of experience Hayley Williams had herself. I just wanted to make music that felt good and sounded good, but I had no real understanding of what it took to become that level of singer.

I did what I knew I could, and I found a voice teacher who specialized in live-performance singing and rock music based training. I trained and I practiced and I visualized and I believed this was happening for me. I believed that my dreams were around the corner, and I was going to be on stage with Paramore themselves, singing a duet. I worked hard, and started writing a lot of music. I was able to write and record a 6 song EP entirely on my own.

As quickly as I believed it was happening, I just as quickly lost hope in my dream. The EP I put out didn’t get me signed, it didn’t blow up on soundcloud, and my youtube videos of song covers weren’t going viral. I blamed everything on not being “good enough.” Finally, the glorious day came when I watched the documentary called Miss Representation. I took the red pill, and I woke up from “the matrix” of the patriarchy. I had no idea how my mind was manipulated into seeing myself as a participant in this world.

Flashbacks to being 10 years old, in the locker room of the tennis club, as my grandmother stands me in front of a mirror. She pinches my tummy, which is exposed from my two piece bathing suit, and tells me “This is fat. You don’t want this.” She was a Hollywood starlet, and I know honestly it wasn’t her fault she believed this was the base of a woman’s value. She was looking out for me, the best way she knew how. In her industry, to be skinny, was to be liked. This is what fed my doubt for the next decade of my life.

At 25, I watched the documentary The Punk Singer, about Kathleen Hanna and her part in the Riot Grrrl movement. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had the green light to go after my dreams. I wanted to sing my pain, and these women knew how. The honesty of their experiences, being screamed through a microphone was a whole new world for me. Up until this point, I thought only men could do this, and definitely the only ones who were taken seriously. I finally saw that I could make my music, and not have to look or sound a certain way.

I desperately sought anyone who would want to join me in my crusade to make loud music. I struggled to find bandmates, and so I looked to my partner of 5 years. She had originally introduced me to Riot Grrrl music, so I asked if she’d be willing to learn the bass guitar. A short amount of time went by before our band, I Dream of Darlene, was created. We wanted the name to combine our passion for strong females in good sitcom television, and our “punk rock” attitude. Naming our band after Darlene Connor from the show Roseanne, we felt like we had plenty of inspiration to get us going. We wrote songs surprisingly well together, and made a set list we were both proud of.

I was too eager. I was too earnest. I wanted to be on stage creating an experience. I booked us shows, and before I knew it, we were on stage. Simple rhythms and easy chord progressions were trying to carry the meaningful message I felt like I was singing. When the show I had put the most time and thought into finally came, we played to a nearly empty venue. Drive and passion are important, but I was reluctant to do the work before putting it on display.

Hiend sight truly is the clear vision of our actions, and most definitely the mistakes. The self doubt was obviously still eating me from the inside, because I practiced music the same way I looked in the mirror, with blinders. I never really allowed myself to examine my body too closely, for fear of how badly I would tear myself apart. I never allowed myself to participate in my own music, for fear of hating what I was working on. I don’t think I ever truly gained the calluses on my fingers that would have led to proper guitar playing.

Like every other project up until this point in my life, I put it up on the shelf to be finished at another point. This was in 2016, and since then I stopped performing live. I went to my voice lessons, but still hiding away from the world. Until I got an invitation to audition for t.v. show The Voice. I thought to myself, this is it! Immediately, I began my training like I was going to the Olympics. I pushed myself farther than I ever had before, my own dedication actually inspired me. I sang so much, that come the audition, my throat and voice was shot. Regardless of not getting it, leaving the audition I was elated. I was actually doing what I had always wanted to do. Sing.

A lot of events happened in my life between 2016 to 2019 that molded me and helped me grow. For a year, my wife and I took care of our niece when she was just 10 months old. I grew patience, I grew understanding, but most of all I gained the faith in my capabilities to go after any dream of mine if I took the right steps.

My voice teacher set me up with his best friend’s son to produce a song together. For years, he had told me that he loved my song “Riot Grrrl Zine,” and promoted it more than I ever did. It needed some finishing touches before being sent off to be produced, so I sat down with my wife and asked her how she first discovered the music of the riot grrrl movement. I wanted the song to have these answers for people hearing it for the first time, and who don’t know about this movement. Filling in some new lyrics, and finding a bridge to complete the song, finally it was finished and sent off to the producer. Now I waited... Finally the day came to go to the studio. Things were finally moving forward and I was going to a real music studio to record my own song!

The hardest lesson to learn is that I needed to experience life to grow. No book or movie can give the full understanding it takes to make things happen. I sat back in my comfort zone for many years, hoping that enough wishing on stars was going to make things happen. Action has to take place, and the more times that action occurs, the stronger that dream becomes a reality.

“Riot Grrrl Zine” is my story of how I may not have grown up with riot grrrl music, but it eventually reached me and made its imprint on me. I may not embody the punk rock spirit entirely, but the music is a piece of me and I am excited to share this with the world.

[moondustis]

see saw

pairing: kang seulgi + reader genre: fluff, angst  song rec: a world alone - lorde word count: 4,7k summary: idol!au; it’s natural how you become close. like she says, it feels like it was meant to be all along. you became friendly with all the other girls (...) but even in the chaos of it all seulgi was always the one you would end up with.

you remember very well the day were it all began, the starting point. you’re in your last year of high school, not the best student and too uninterested about the world around you, when you get approached by some woman on the street that asks what you want to do when you graduate. it hits you that you have no idea, never thought deeply about it and now what felt like a very far reality was staring at you right in the face, about to explode. you want go home and think about it, have a good cry that lasts about an hour thinking that you are about to fail your entire existence but the lady offers you a better alternative.

“would you be interested in auditioning for an entertainment agency?” she asks and it’s too suspicious, too out of nowhere but you accept the card she gives you, emptily promising to show up at an audition that was taking place next week somewhere you have no idea how to get to.

for some reason you decide to do it, taking the subway to the location and finding hundreds of girls there. they’re probably ten times more beautiful and prepared than you but still, for some reason, you make in.

it’s sudden and terrifying how that changes everything. things you don’t even know will change and things that don’t even exist yet to change. and now this is not a tale about how your dreams came true. it’s a story about how you met her, how it starts and how it ends. the slow burn wait before it gets dark.

•

there’s a storm happening outside that makes the whole sky dark and you’re sure there’s thunders but you can’t hear anything over the loud music playing in the room you’re in.

you arrived at the sm entertainment building at 8am, signed papers, got all types of instructions and got introduced to all types of people. at 10am a woman that is introduced to you as a manager takes you to your now dormitory.

“the rooms are separated by schedules.” she tells you after handing a paper with what you assume is the agenda you’ll be following. “there’s four girls by room and one assigned leader that is in charge of making sure you stay on schedule.”

you mostly nod and ask few questions about things like food and showers.

after the small dorm tour she takes you back to the main building and into a practice room. the storm still going at full force.

you’ve never been one for superstition but this is an important day, the most important day that has happened in your life so far. so you can’t help but think that maybe the storm is a sign, that maybe things won’t work out and you’re not good enough to be here. there’s about fifteen girls dancing in the not big enough room and they’re all so good that it makes you feel small.

there’s a bright blue wall with clouds on it behind the girls. it’s such a huge contrast to the storm happening that you decide that this is probably a sign too. of what, you are not sure yet.

when the song stops playing, the manager clears her throat and all the girl, who are reaching for water bottles and moving to sit on the floor, turn their heads to her.

“girls, this is the new trainee, ______”she introduces you “please look after her and make sure she’s well adapted. seulgi, seungwan and hyori, she will be staying in your room so i’m sure you girls will do your best to help with the schedule.”

they all say yes in unison and you can see a bit of nonchalant in their faces, like they are tired of new trainees being introduced. like they are tired of getting more competition.

the manager leaves and you’re left there, standing awkwardly not knowing exactly what to do with yourself but stare at the fake blue sky. the girls have moved on to talking in small groups or just stirring completely on the floor, trying to get a minute of relaxing.

“hey, ______” the sudden sound of your name gets you out of your trance, eyes following the source of it. “come and sit here.”

the girl talking has a gentle face and she is with three other girls around her, two of them laying on their stomachs and watching something on a cellphone. the third is smiling at you, eyes turning into crescents and you’re stunned by how cute she is.

“it’s nice to meet you, i’m seungwan.” the girl says when you sit down, crossed legs. “and this is seulgi, we are your roommates.”

seulgi is the girl that was smiling, still is. you wonder if she has been trained to look so friendly and comfortable.

“hello, it’s nice to meet you too.” you reply awkwardly.

“we have vocal practice in like 20 minutes, and then we can have lunch.” seulgi tells you.

“the vocal teacher is a bit mean so don’t take it personal if she says anything to you.” wendy complements.

the vocal teacher does end up hurting your feelings but you don’t care that much after the other girls pat you in the back and tell you’ll improve with time.

it’s hard getting used to the routine in the first few weeks. you wake up at 6am, usually with seungwan nudging your shoulder. you eat breakfast and then the practices start: vocal, dance, english classes and more dance.

you end everyday exhausted and most of them wanting to cry, but sometimes the girls gather together in the living room and order take food without any of the managers knowing or sometimes one if them will give you a facemask just because she had an extra one. small things like that make it better.

•

seulgi becomes a strong presence in your life. on the first week she wakes you up with an annoying song on her phone that stays in your head for the rest of the day. the next week she asks if you want to have eggs for breakfast with her, and by the next one she already knows you prefer to eat cereal to start the day. on your one month anniversary of being a trainee she gives you a funny card that says congrats on not giving up, that you keep glued to a wall next to your bed. by the third month you two are making jokes and sharing headphones on every break you manage to get.

it’s natural how you become close. like she says, it feels like it was meant to be all along. you became friendly with all the other girls, sharing a dorm has the power of bringing people closer amongst the fights over who has to wash the dishes. but even in the chaos of it all, seulgi is always the one you would end up with. you have more in common that you would ever imagine and the conversation never seems to run short. if you weren’t out of breath during dance practices, you are sure you two would find a way to talk even there.

on free days you watch movies on a tiny phone screen, usually romantic ones that leave seulgi sighing and with eyes sparkling while you just roll yours at the cheesiness. she calls you frozen heart because of that. sometimes you’ll draw together, her teaching you about pointillism and you teaching her about watercolor and its wonders.

it’s amazing having a friend like that on a place like this, you often think. it’s almost a survival technique, having someone to rely on when practice goes on for extra hours, when you make a mistake and the world seems to fall upon you.

practice is hard and the thought of giving up crosses your mind more than two times.

“i’m so tired.” seulgi’s voice is tired and she plops on the couch you’re sitting on. it is one of the improvements they made on the dance practices rooms to make rest time more comfortable.

“me too, i wish i could take a 12 hours nap.” you whine.

“that’s not even a nap anymore, it’s almost a small coma.”

“i said what i said.”

“you know what we should do?” she asks, voice mischievous, moving down to unlace her shoes and take them off along her socks “not we, you actually. you should give me a foot massage.”

her voice is joyful and playful as she puts both her legs on your lap.

“no way i’m massaging your stinky feet.” you joke.

“shut up!” her offended half shout makes you laugh. “my feet smell like roses and baby wipes, mind you.”

you bite your lips to avoid the smile that's trying to spread on your face, doing your best to look unimpressed. “i doubt that profoundly, you just danced for 3 hours”

“please, ____,  my angel from above.” she says, voice annoyingly high pitched, a pout forming in her face and feet wiggling in your face“ gimm

e a foot massage.”

you both burst out laughing after that, the other trainees around giving you weird looks.

you end up doing it, of course, and thinking that even with all the hard moments of this whole thing, she makes it worth it.

•

on your birthday she takes you to an empty cupboard she found on the 4th floor. it’s small and smells slightly like cleaning products. still it’s cozy enough for you both to sit down on the floor and lay your backs against the wall.

she smiles deviously at you. you know she has been planning a surprise all week because she’s bad at hiding things, her silly actions giving it all away.

“close your eyes.” she says, the smallest resquice of a laugh in her voice. you know what’s inside the bag, it’s too predictable, but you still close your eyes because that will make her happy.

you hear the crumpling of her open the bag and what you think is attempts to light up a candle. you shouldn’t think too much about this but there’s still a weird feeling in the pit of your stomach, and your hands are shaking just slightly. when she finally tells you to open your eyes they are met with her perfect smile and the infamous overly colorful cake with a number “3” candle on top in front of the two of you. it’s so perfect that it almost makes you cry.

“happy birthday!” it’s adorable how excited she is about this. “congrats on turning 3 years old, you don’t look a year older.”

“shut up.” you say laughing with her. “why did you even get this candle?”

“i’m sorry that it was the only one available at the store.” she says “now stop complaining and blow your candles so we can eat.”

when you go to blow the candles she hurriedly tells you to not forget your wish and you just roll your eyes. you don’t believe in stuff like that, never did, but still you can’t help but wish for more good days like this when you close your eyes.

it’s funny how celebrating your birthday in a cupboard with seulgi makes you the happiest you have been in months. the way she thought about all these tiny details make your heart melt and once again you get the weird feeling in your stomach.

after you blow the candle you two eat the slice of cake in comfortable silence, mouths turning pink from the colored glacé and sprinkles melting into sugar in your tongues. it’s hard hiding how hungry you both are with the crazy diets they’ve been putting you on and this cake is like paradise compared to the sweet potatoes you eat religiously.

“this was the best cake in the world.” you mutter after your last piece and seulgi looks just as pleased as you are.

“i think artificial strawberry flavor is my favorite now.” she says and your eyes automatically go notice her lips are slightly more pink than usual.

she must have been doing the same as you because she suddenly moves closer, knees touching yours and speaks very softly “you have something here.”

it goes very slow and very quick at the same time. she moves to remove the glacé from your lips with her thumb, bringing it to her mouth and licking it clean. you can’t look away, amazed by the whole scene but, still, when she tells you to close your eyes again, you do in a heartbeat. another one and she’s kissing you. then it’s a million heartbeats, so fast you think your heart will burst out of your chest.

it feels new and like everything you wished for. like the butterflies that were secretly living in your stomach this whole time are finally free but still completely at her mercy.

•

no one can know, that’s something you both agree on. there’s not a need to tell anyone after all, having this as your own safe heaven is what you want. and if someone were to know you are sure that would mean the end, with not only hearts shattered but dreams as well.

keeping it a secret is easy, you two have always been close so the too long and unnecessary touches are ignored and the nights slept in each other’s bed not a thing anyone frowned upon. what changes is that now she will press soft kiss against your lips when everyone is asleep on the quiet of the night.

and when the two of you manage

escaping practices you’ll hide inside the empty cupboard and make out until you’re both out of breath.

“what’s your zodiac sign?” you ask her out of nowhere one day, when you’re both sitting on your bed. seulgi taking full advantage of your pillow, legs on your lap while you are sat with you back against the wall.

it’s finally a day off and you’re enjoying it inside because of a sudden rainstorm. some of the girls went out anyway so it’s relatively quiet and one bothers the two of you.

“i’m an aquarius, why?” she replies “are you gonna make a compatibility test?”

“no, shut up.” you say, rolling your eyes. “i was reading about this thing called astrocartography and i wanna do it for you. now tell me the hour you were born in.”

she tells you the hour while moving closer so she can see your phone screen and what you’re doing.

“see, these are your lines and each of them represent a planet. like for example mars is the planet of war, so in the places the mars line is crossing is possible that you’d have some kind of conflict.” you explain after you get the results.

“wow. there’s a lot of lines here.” she says, snatching your phone from your hands and using a finger to zoom in on the continents  “what’s purple one for? there’s one that passes right through seoul.”

“it’s the venus line, it represents love and the possibility of finding a lover. something like that.”

“oooh, and i happened to have found you just here.” her voice is teasing and you can’t help but laugh at the way she raises her eyebrows suggestively at you.

“you’re so silly.” you say before moving and pressing a peck to her lips. she takes it as a cue to do more than that.

moving a hand to your cheek she kisses you with a little more force but softer as always. she tastes like the chocolate you two shared and the way her lips move against yours makes your mind go blank of any thoughts but the ones of her.

“what would you say if i told you i’m in love with you?” she asks, disconnecting your lips and looking at you.

“i would say i’m in love with you too, dummy.” you reply, moving a strand of her hair out of her face. “you know that.”

“well, you never said it.”

“if i said it as much as i want to you would be annoyed with me by now.” it’s your reply.

she giggles and tells you that she’ll never be while pressing butterfly kisses all over your face.

•

after four years of training with a group of 20 girls you get assigned into groups. sooyoung, seungwan, joohyun, seulgi and you. it’s exciting and you’re all tricked into the feeling of hope. you get a group name, a concept, stage names and endless more hours of practice.

the training gets harder somehow, 10 hours a day, 1, 2, 3 and step. 1, 2, 3 and lay down for a minute because you can barely feel your legs at this point.

by the end of april you have the group’s greeting stuck in your head and are closer to the the ideal weight they set for you.

seulgi is announced as a sm rookie alongside irene and they’re beyond entranced by how good just the small taste of a debut feels. they have different schedules and when you search their name on the internet there’s numerous of praise and comments on how exciting their official debut is going to be.

you get closer to sooyoung than ever, having become her roomate in the new dorm you five moved in. irene and seulgi share a room since their schedules fit together and seungwan has the privilege of sleeping alone.

sometimes you get the feeling seulgi is slipping away from you, even if some nights she slides in your bed and kisses your worries away. still it’s weird when you go days without seeing each other.

•

on the 27th of july, red velvet debuts with an exciting and colorful song. it’s a bit shaky, some mistakes here and there, but still a success as expected from a sm group.

you get told two weeks before it that  because of some internal issues and their thorough analysis, you won’t be a part of the group anymore. the internal issue in case  is your relationship with seulgi. they found out about everything, from another trainee apparently, and can’t risk a scandal because of it, so the best solution was keeping the two of you apart from each other.

a manager tells you all that in an all white office, his tone extremely professional and when he adds that even if you won’t be making into the group they still have exciting plans for you in the future, you feel like punching him in the face.

a lie. a blatant and well executed lie, you tell yourself as you throw cold water in your face to try and calm yourself down. crying in a bathroom is not by far the most humiliating moment you had in the last four years but it is definitely the one you felt the most vulnerable and broken.

you know the full choreography to the damn song and every word to it, your hair tips colored an annoying shade of purple that you absolutely hate and when you click on the video of red velvet’s exciting comeback, you’re not there.

seulgi has no time to see you after the debut, she calls and makes promises and apologizes and cries with you. you know this is not her fault and you know she’s angry and sad too, but still you feel no comfort in her words like you used to.

training goes from hard to unbearable. the looks you get from the other trainees makes you want to rip your hair out of your head. pity or mockery, whatever it is sets you in reclusion and from there your days are a blur of waking up, practice, sleeping. when you look at the card glued to your wall, the words congrats on not giving you seem to laugh at you.

you see her again a few day later. she cries with you in the empty cupboard and you tell her you’re proud of how great she’s doing. you don’t have much time, you know it, there’s probably a show she had to attend or something like that.

she doesn’t know the truth yet, the real reason why you’re not in the stage with her. they probably told her it was because of internal issues because the truth would upset her too much, and the last thing they needed was an rookie unable to perform their best false positivity.

“i’m so sorry.” she says, and it’s not her fault. you both know that.

“it’s okay.” and it’s not. you both know that.

it feels like everything is melting away when she kisses you. like it’s escaping your fingers and you can’t grasp it anymore. this is over too, and it hurts. it hurts so much that you stop feeling it.

she says she has to go and you nod, with promises of taking care of yourself and not giving up on your lips. there’s also a promise to see each other soon, and it’s empty as every other one.

•

you keep in touch with half hearted texts of “how are doings” and “thought of you today”. she apologizes a lot, for taking too long to reply, for not being able to make it to lunch with you again. all you do is tell her it’s okay and that you understand.

she’s busy, it’s all over social media and tv. red velvet is the next big sm success and they are unstoppable.

kim yerim makes into the group after two years of training and for their second comeback. it’s bittersweet. more bitter than sweet. you like her, she’s cute and suits the group well but it’s still like a punch to your face.

red velvet gets their first tv show win with ice cream cake and managers throw a little party on the old practice room to celebrate it. the thought of seeing seulgi both excites and scares you.

there are a number of things you could have said. good job, congrats, i am proud of you, you deserve this, no one deserves this more than you, but instead you ask “is it everything you thought it would be?”

it’s a vague question that could have many meanings but she understands it somehow. she remembers all the conversations you two had about this, about this dream.

“not really.” is her reply and you are confused, how come being in one of the most popular girl group is not all that. it leaves you with a weird feeling.

“how come?”

“i don’t know.” she avoids your eyes. “i always thought you would be by my side  when all this happened.” your heart shatters again in million pieces.

again, there's a lot of things you could have replied with, but this last year has sh

aped you into a person you’re not sure you know anymore.

“well it’s not my fault” the words spill out of your mouth without you noticing and the regret is immediate when you the flash of hurt go through her eyes.

“i know that. i know it’s not your fault. i’m just saying that in my mind things always played differently.” she says “we would make plans and daydream about these moments together and now that i’m living them by myself i keep catching myself thinking if you are happy.”

“i am happy for you.” is that enough?

she’s looking at you now, the stage outfit she has on too out of place for this conversation.

“that's not what i mean.”

“well, what do you want me to say? that i’ve been having the time of my life being a trainee while everyone else is living my dreams?” your worlds are fast and if the tears start falling you don’t notice. “that it’s the best feeling of the world being lied to many times and exhausting myself over nothing?”

“i want you to do something about it.” she speaks over you.

“what can i do? i’m lost and i don’t even know if i want any of this anymore, okay?” your voice is desperate, like a cry from help.

she comes closer and moves a strand of your hair out of your face. “you say i’m leaving my dream but this is not it. my dream was for both of us to make it.” the tears just come out of your eyes nonstop. “even if it’s not together i still want you to make it, i want you to be happy. if you give up then my dream is over.”

her arms embrace your body and you almost laugh because it’s been a year but her hug still feels like home to you.

“do you remember when we would stay until 1am practicing that girl’s generation song?” she asks, making you laugh amidst your tears.

“yeah, it took us a long time to get it right.”

she brings a thumb to wipe them clean, a sad smile crossing her face. “and when i said i wanted to go home you asked me to stay beca-“

“because it was only worth it if you were there with me.” you finish it for.

there’s a knock on the door followed by a call of her name. they have to leave in 5 minutes.

“i think about that almost every time i’m on stage, how i want to see you there doing what we worked hard to get.” she says “and i know it’ll happen, i’ll see you on that stage and we’ll be together. like we are supposed to.”

you initiate the hug this time, muttering a thank you and telling her you couldn’t possibly love someone more in your entire life. there’s two minutes left and she uses it to press a kiss to your lips, quick but sweet. you both know and don’t that that was the last kiss you would share for a long time, but this time it doesn’t feel so much like a goodbye.

•

a month later your contract with sm entertainment expires and you leave without looking back.

two months later a new entertainment company scouts you and even if it’s smaller and a lot less known, you still feel good and excited like you haven’t feel in years.

the girls are nice and most of them don’t comment on the fact that you just left the biggest entertainment to be there. it’s pleasant even it the training is still exhausting and sometimes you still think about giving up, but you don’t.

a year later red velvet has a comeback, another success. you text seulgi for the first time in 10 months and it’s as short lived as you thought it would be.

13 months later you debut in a group with six other girls and it’s a small success. you get to do all the things you trained so long for, it’s a good feeling.

you know you’ll end up seeing her one way or another, you just didn’t think it would be this fast. one moment you’re in the dressing room getting ready to perform live and the next your manager is telling you have to go say hi to the other groups that are performing.

on the way your group mates chatter on how excited they are to meet the boy group that’s there and you share some of that excitement too.

not a lot of things could’ve prepared for when your manager opens the door and red velvet stands there. she stands there.

they’re sitting around the dressing room and all get

up as fast as they notice someone got it in. it takes a few moments for them to realize it’s you.

“_____!” seungkwan exclaims but you pay no mind to it. you can’t pay no mind to anything besides seulgi’s eyes on yours. you wish you could go there and touch her, kiss her, anything.

your manager introduces the group and your group leader gives them your album, which joohyun accepts with the promise of “taking care of ____’s group.”

you hug all of them after that and when it finally gets to seulgi it’s like a deep breath of relief is left out. like a weight is out of your shoulders.

“you made it.” she tells you simply, a blinding smile on her lips.

“yes. we made it.” there’s years of shared dreams and experiences in those words and in the hug you two share. “we finally made it.”

it’s not anything you expected, not what you thought it would be when you would lay down on your bed and look at the annoyingly colorful “congrats on not giving up” card. but it’s enough and she’s here.

[supersoldiersruined-me]

Pls pls pls write something using 18. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you.” 😭😭😭

So this took so long and I’m sorry. Inspiration is really hard to find these days and writing just isn’t going as planned. Thank you for sending this in and trusting me. 💖

Word count: 1.8kWarnings: fluff, angst.

Main Masterlist

__There comes a time in every relationship where you’re faced with a wall and have to plan ‘The Talk’. It’s stressful, you’ll bite your nails off with anxiety. But once the band aid is ripped away, the wound will either heal faster, or begin to bleed again, and although we never wish for the latter, it’s often a step we’ve simply been pushing back to save ourselves from the pain.

It’s now six months into your relationship with Sebastian. You’re rocking on a chair that clearly isn’t meant to move with such vigor, as you wait for him to finish his audition. The long, narrow hall of this old school auditorium emphasizes the squeaking of the nails against the wood everytime your toes push you back and forth. Your brain is numb by now, so you let it resonate without complaint, but the strong hand on your shoulder thinks otherwise.

“Never heard of Xanax, sweetheart?” An old man - the janitor, you’ve come to believe - gives you a reassuring smile as he politely scolds you for breaking the sacred silence.

“I’m sorry.” You stand up as you try and find a new way to ease your mind.

He breathes out a chuckle before continuing, “Hoping for the big break?” It takes a few seconds for your brain to remember that you were indeed here for an audition, first - although it wasn’t yours - and to confront the love of your life second. Well, confront is a big word, you think, before your eyes finally see the man’s face grimace at your inner monologue.

“Well, anyhow. Good luck kid. But take a breather, okay?” He adds before disappearing into the small closet. A chuckle creeps out of your lips when you recall all the times you’ve had to squeeze a quick one in one of those, mostly when Seb was one press tours and you had been away from each other for weeks.

You decide to head towards the exit to take the bit of air that was just prescribed to you, but you’re cut short in your tracks when a high-pitched series of laughter is heard from the door on your left. You read the small plaque below the window and you know this is where they had called Sebastian in earlier. Your head leans onto the cherry wood as you try and make their small conversation. His assistant’s voice becomes clear once she stops giggling like a little girl, and before a moment of silence, the one shadow that crawls under the door splits into two, indicating the proximity they had as he apparently told her the good news.

“I’m so proud of you!” You feel a small pinch to your heart as you hear her say the words you were meant to say first.

“Well, you have a lot of credit to take for this,” he answers, making your eyes roll. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you.”

You take a step back, unable to process what had just happened. As anger manifests itself your reach for the handle and spring the door wide open, revealing an empty room, apart from a few theater props and the people you never wanted to see joined by an embrace.

You look at her first, as you shoot her a warning look she doesn’t necessarily deserve -  although you know damn well she’s been forging her way to this position strictly to get closer to him. Your relationship had always gone under the radar, you had simply become a vulnerable pawn on her chess board.

“Oh, hi Y/N,” she begins, and as to add gasoline to an already raging fire, she leans closer to him, allowing her hand to travel up from his chest to his shoulder. “Have you heard the news?” Her tongue darts into her cheek with a cocky grin.

Your eyes are watery, you can’t even move them a few inches up. Too afraid that if you’d catch his own you’d collapse in front of them. You can see his hands grip around her wrists tightly, silently pushing her off as to make her point invalid, but you’re already taking one step back before making your way down the hall as you had initially planned.

“Y/N! Please, wait.” Sebastian walks after you as you storm out, and as hard as you try to keep going, you can’t deny the string that keeps pulling you back to the one person you wish would be making you feel better. “Baby!”

“Don’t baby me,” you answer with your whole body as you twirl around to face him. He grabs the hand you had extended with your pointer out as you spat your last words. You soften under his touch, until the viper makes her way behind him. She tiptoes to whisper something in his ear, her arrogant stare still threatening you.

‘’When you’re tired of the child you know where to find me,’’ she dares.

Had it not been for his grip around your good hand, she would’ve had the expression wiped off in a strike. She walks passed you with one last shoulder bump.

‘’You have to let this go, Y/N,’’ he says, lowering his hand to your waist. You let him, melting into the much needed affection. You crave to push him into the wall, to let him feel just how broken you are, but then who would pick up your pieces and stick them together again? He knows how. Of course.

‘’I seriously have a broken radar, I see. Guess I should’ve known.’’

‘’Should’ve known? Please don’t try and tell me-’’

‘’I thought we were going somewhere. But clearly this was a distraction.’’ Your head dips down and you shake it in disbelief.  ‘’The sex, the nights I spent changing your mind when you had stressful interviews the next day. I brought you coffees to set and I answered every single one of your midnight calls.’’ This time, you’re the one taking his wrist. With a deep breath, you take it off your hips, finally able to hold yourself together on your own. You had some courage left in you, to your surprise. With another step away, you add, ‘’But that doesn’t beat blond flowy hair and tight little skirts.’’ Your hand motions to the other end of the hall with a scruff.

‘’I’m sorry this is how you feel.’’ He’s a statue before you. ‘’I’ll apologize for letting her get so far into her game. Fair enough I should’ve stopped her when I saw the red light. That was a shitty move.’’ He runs his hand through his hair. Great. Now you’re making him doubt himself.

‘’Seb, I-’’

‘’No, doll. You’re right, okay! You’re giving me the world and I can’t even cross a street for you. I’m the world’s biggest ass.’’ He sits on a church bench as he tries to collect his thoughts. You’re unsure whether the weakened wood will hold both your bodies so you decide to kneel before him.

‘’I think it’s time we settle a few things. We’ve been pushing this back far too long.’’ He agrees with the weight of his hand on your shoulder. Your arms snake up his thighs. Bad habit.

‘’I think I’ll go first. You deserve an apology.’’ He straightens himself and you know he’s playing thousands of scenarios of you walking out on him in his mind. ‘’When you bring me things to set, I take for granted that you’re happy to spend the day with me. And you never complain when I call late, I know. You never have a second to squeeze a word in and I always assume you’re doing okay because you have the brightest smile in the room all the time.’’ Your hand cradles his cheek and slowly the pieces mend back together as he’s tearing himself open for you.

‘’I do love to just hang around. You always make me laugh between shots just with a little wink. If you call me at night, that must mean you trust me entirely, and that’s a really dope feeling.’’ Slowly, new tears are threatening to flow. But they’re warm and sweet as they dance down your cheek. ’’I can’t go blaming you for everything.’’ He takes a well deserved breath of relief.

‘’I guess I let her get this close because I was afraid to mess up what we had and you’d just run tired of me flying off and being away all the time.’’

‘’Sebby. You can’t decide on who you love and what they decide to do with their lives. When the hard moments come you gotta figure out your next move on the spot and now we have to do that together. I mean-’’

‘’You said, um...’’ he interrupts, but isn’t sure how to proceed with the information, his cheeks flushing right away. When you wait in silence for him to continue he lets out a nervous chuckle. ‘’You said love?’’

‘’Oh! Right,’’ you say. ‘’That word you usually don’t blurt out to just anyone,’’ you add jokingly and he laughs with you, holding his face in his hands in shame.

‘’I deserved that.’’ His eyes meet yours and the rosiness of his cheeks transfer to yours.

‘’I love you, Sebastian.’’ You lean up to lock your lips to his. The kiss is warm and needy. It speaks so loudly. ‘’Because whatever hell this job can throw at us will never beat the great times we have together. And I don’t want to act blind anymore.’’

‘’I love you too darling. Have for a while. I can just get so insecure...’’

He gets up, taking your hands in to help you to your feet. You don’t push them off when they wander over your sides and down to the small of your back; hips colliding in an invitation for more.

‘’I need you so much,’’ he whispers as he reaches for the handle behind him. Your eyes dart open and you tug him away from it.

‘’God no!’’ He looks at you confused.

‘’Yeah, bad idea kids. Better luck next time.’’ The deep voice of the janitor echoes from the other side of the door, which send you into a fist of laughter. He struts towards the exit with his arm around your waist.

‘’So, how do you want to celebrate, babe?’’ He pushes the door with his back as he bites his bottom lip at the thought of his answer. You quirk an eyebrow, your hands to his chest as you hurry him to his car.

‘’I think I have an idea. It’s gonna require the whole night, though. I hope you’re okay with that.’’

Everything tag

@buckmesideways22​ @stanclub​ @buckysbrat​ @eyesfixedonthesun22​ @captainrogerrsbeard​ @loricameback​ @freshwoods @onehotgreasymechanic @wintersoldier1989 @mybloodtypeiscoffee @msruchita @katiew1973 @badassbaker @its-forevermore @its-a-pretty-interesting-wall @musette22 @if-n0t-l8ter-when

[galaxystiel]

Equals (AO3)

Summary: Castiel has one shot, and if it involves punching Crowley in the face? All the better.

Rating: Teen

Word Count: 1,372

Tags: AU, Human AU, Prison AU, angst with a happy ending, secret relationship, prison/guard relationship.

Written for the Writers of Destiel server ‘Weekly Words’ challenge, with the prompt ‘white wings’.

He could let it go.

It was just a sarcastic comment, a friendly joke that Castiel had been made the butt of. Normally he’d be the first one to laugh that off. But today he didn’t want to. Castiel had been looking for an excuse to crack skulls all day and now he’d found one.

There was a buzz of excitement from the other inmates as Castiel leapt from his seat, fist flying towards Crowley’s face. There was a sickening crunch that almost certainly loosened a few teeth, and Castiel savoured in his triumph for just a moment. The guards hovering at the sides of the yard had yet to notice that a full-blown brawl was about to break out, but they’d figure it out soon enough.

Crowley rubbed his jaw and clicked his fingers, an ugly scowl on his face that was laced with smugness. Naturally, he wouldn’t do his own dirty work. Not when he had lackeys to do it for him.

Castiel quickly found himself surrounded, four against one. Not his favourite odds, but he’d be damn sure to send a couple of them to medical before the guards came in and dragged him away. And that was exactly what he did, fists and elbows flying in a blur as the other inmates surrounded them, chanting. Most of them chanting for Castiel, although not because of any popularity contests he might have won. Everyone just hated Crowley.

It was over too quickly, whistles blowing and guards shoving their way into the fray. Castiel grinned, his teeth all bloody as he was pinned to the floor and handcuffed.

“What the hell is going on here?” A voice barked. Benny Lafitte, head guard and total hardball.

Castiel was yanked to his feet, a baton shoved under his chin, forcing his head back. “Auditions, sir.”

“Auditions?”

“I was thinking of starting a fight club. Although I kinda broke the first rule now, so I guess I should give up on that idea.”

Castiel could pinpointed the exact moment that Benny registered his comment and was done with him. There was no verbal cue, but the guard holding him began yanking him away, back inside the building. Sparing a glance over his shoulder, he recognised the guard as Mr. Singer. He was one of the decent ones.

“Am I going to White Wings? Which one?”

Bobby glared at him. “You know you are, kid. It's solitary for you. Why’d you have to go and start that fight, huh? You got a death wish or something? You want Crowley to shank you?”

Castiel didn’t reply. No, he didn’t have a death wish and he was going to have to find a way to square things with Crowley once this was done. He’d painted a target on his back, but he’d done so for a reason. Ultimately, Castiel didn’t have a plan for when they let him out of solitary – otherwise known in these parts as White Wings. Castiel didn’t know where the name came from, nor did he care. Maybe it was because both solitary confinement and the hospital ward stretched out from the main prison building at an angle – almost like wings.

The handcuffs were taken off him and he was bundled unceremoniously into the room – but not too roughly. Singer was never heavy-handed with the inmates.

The door closed and Castiel was plunged into darkness. The cell held nothing more than a lumpy mattress, a sink and a toilet. A small roll of toilet paper that was more like sandpaper than two-ply. Castiel didn’t care. He just settled on the thin mattress. Now it was just a matter of waiting. It wouldn’t be long.

Two hours later, he heard the grating sound of the bolt, and the door opened. He recoiled from the bright lights, his eyes struggling to adjust after the darkness. The guard who entered said nothing, just eyed Castiel disapprovingly.

“And this is supposed to change my mind? You starting a fight the second you don’t get your own way?”

Castiel stood and looked at Dean bitterly. “It was the only way I could get you to come and see me. You broke things off with me and then vanished. You don’t get to do that.”

“I’m a guard and you’re an inmate, Novak, you don’t get to dictate-”

“Oh, we’re back to Novak now?” Castiel interrupted, turning his face away from Dean to shield himself from the look on Dean’s face and to hide how much that stung. “Yeah, that sounds about right. Guard and inmate. I don’t know why you didn’t just hold me down and take what you wanted –”

Fists balled in the front of his shirt and his back impacted with the wall hard enough to make his teeth rattle in his skull. Dean’s face was so close to his, close enough to kiss, but Castiel didn’t lean in. He just kept his eyes averted, refusing to look into the green eyes that would undo his resolve.

“Implying I took advantage of you? Damnit, Cas, this was a consensual relationship, don’t you dare make it sound otherwise. I loved you. I still do.” Dean’s hands slowly loosened their grip, but he didn’t back up.

Castiel snorted. “But we were never equals, were we? You got to say everything you wanted and then you left me. I didn’t even get to ask why. I didn’t even get to tell you I understood, that I never wanted you to risk your job by sneaking around with me. That I’d never ask you to wait for me, but that I would wait for you. You just ended it and didn’t give a crap what I thought.”

Dean took a step back and Castiel took a deep breath, feeling like he could breath again now he wasn’t overpowered by Dean, the touch of his hands, his addicting scent.

“That’s not true.”

“Of course it is. You can’t even see it.”

“That’s not it, Cas. I didn’t stick around to hear your side of things, because I knew that if I did, I’d change my mind. I’m in love with you, asshole. When you’re not doing stupid things like attacking Crowley of all people, you’re an idiotic, beautiful, caring son of a bitch.”

Castiel could think of a million replies, but Dean was right there and he didn’t want to lose this opportunity. He caught his lips in a burning kiss, fingers biting into Dean’s shoulders to stop him escaping. Closing his eyes, Castiel gave his everything into that one kiss, determined to make the most of what would surely be the last time. Because any moment now Dean would shove him away and disappear –

Strong hands knotted into his hair as Dean’s lips parted against his. Castiel’s momentary surprise faded quickly, to be replaced by something aching in his chest, but he focused on the sensation of Dean’s mouth on his, tongue coaxing all kinds of muffled moans from him.

They separated naturally, chests heaving from the adrenaline rush, and Dean pressed two gentle pecks to Castiel’s lips as he withdrew. Castiel’s hands slipped away from his shoulders and he looked at Dean, almost fearful of what would happen next.

“I’m sorry.” Dean rasped, straightening his uniform. “You were right. I should have heard your side of things.”

Castiel closed his eyes, feeling despair and resignation flood through him. Dean still wanted to end things between them, he hadn’t changed his mind. There was nothing else he could do, this plan had been his only option and it had failed.

“I love you. And I know you won’t ask me to wait for you. But I will.”

Castiel’s eyes flew open. “You will?”

Dean shrugged, a smile tugging at the side of his mouth. “What can I say, I’m pretty gone on you, Cas. But you have to keep out of trouble. You’re probably going to get another six months for this. If you keep your head down and finish your sentence, then I’ll wait for you. But no more fooling around in here. Okay?”

Castiel reached out and took Dean’s hand, bringing it to his lips. It would be hard, but he could do that. For Dean.

“Okay.”

[fmdmiru]

headcanon: idol edition #1-15

Day One: Introduce your muse. Are they solo or in a group? What is their position in the group? Consider this day the day for writing the basics.

miru shimazaki, more commonly known just as miru, is the lead vocalist and lead dancer of dimensions’ seven-membered girl group, 7rophy. she is known for her strong, rich voice as well as her fluid and accurate dancing. her unofficial nickname is cupid.

Day Two: Talk about your muse’s childhood. Where did they grow up? Did they have any dream jobs besides being an idol? When did they realize they wanted to be an idol?

she grew up in osaka, japan. she was the younger of twins, being born forty seconds after her sister, moe. her mother works as an accountant, and her father works in a clothing company, managing sales. when she was younger, all she dreamed of was beating her sister so the idea of becoming an idol was completely foreign until she saw an ad for dimensions’ global auditions.

Day Three: Take us back to when your muse was either recruited or auditioned to become an idol. How did that go? How did they feel getting up on stage for recruiters? If your muse could give their younger selves advice before the audition, what would they say?

miru was confident in her audition. she had worked hard and prepared bee’s irony for her audition. there were no nerves or anything. all she had in her mind was that she had to succeed in order to beat her sister. if she could go back, she’d probably tell herself to loosen up her eyes because they were probably like lasers with how determined she was.

Day Four: Remember the trainee days? What are some of your muse’s memories of being a trainee? How long were they a trainee? Were they worried about potentially not making a debut? Talk about any challenges they might have encountered.

she wasn’t that liked as a trainee. she was definitely a kiss up because she just wanted to survive and looking good to trainers wasn’t a bad thing. she definitely didn’t think of the possibility of not debuting. all she did was work hard to make certain that she did. she trained for a year and a half before debuting. the only challenge was learning korean, but in order to know whether someone’s talking shit about you or not, you gotta learn fast which is exactly what miru did. 

Day Five: Recall your muse’s debut. What was the song they debuted with? How did it feel performing for the first time on stage as an idol? Feel free to bring up their thoughts about the concept, choreography, lyrics, music video, or other components. 

7rophy debuted with pepe. it wasn’t exactly miru’s style as it was too peppy and preppy for her. it felt nice being able to stand on stage though. she liked all the lights and attention. she likes attention. overall, her debut experience was great because for the first time, she felt like she was finally in the spotlight and not her sister.

Day Six: What concept does your muse think they can pull off best? Cutesy? Manly? Sexy? What concept do they have a hard time pulling off? What kind of concept would they want to do at some point?

miru likes the direction that 7rophy is going with these days. songs like latata and hann are a lot more comfortable than songs like high heels or like. she thinks she does better with mature, sultry concepts. things that are commonly called ‘girl crush’. anything that’s not too cutesy is fine with her though she thinks she pulls that off pretty well as well.

Day Seven: Which era is your muse’s favorite in their career? Why is it their favorite (think concept, promotions, choreography, etc.)? If your muse has recently debuted, talk about what they would want to do for their next comeback.

she definitely loves hann. after the success of latata, she was afraid that 7rophy would be remembered as just being one-hit wonders, but then hann did just as well, and so she was satisfied. also, the dark concept was comfortable, and she liked the amount of lines that she got in the song. she trusts minzy to compose songs that fit with their image well and thinks that dimensions should have let her take the wheel earlier in their career. then maybe it wouldn’t have taken this long.

Day Eight: Talk about your muse’s strengths and weaknesses as an idol. Feel free to discuss their own personal thoughts regarding these components. Think of qualities such as vocals, dancing, visuals, acting skills, and variety show skills, for example.

miru doesn’t think she’s weak at anything. she’s strong enough in her vocals and her singing, she has stage presence that captivates everybody’s eyes, and she plays the dumb, innocent foreigner on variety shows that pays off well enough for her to be called from time to time. she knows she’ll never be able to act because of her nationality, and so she doesn’t bother trying to get into that industry. she would love to be more involved with magazine covers or any other stylistic offers such as endorsing a brand. for that to happen, though, she knows she needs to build her own name up.

Day Nine: What is your muse’s fashion style? Talk about what kind of clothes they love to wear. To them, what is the essential thing to have in their closet? What is their favorite outfit?

miru is very interested in fashion, and so she likes to dress up whenever she can. she doesn’t like anything flashy and rather mixes and matches what would be considered “casual” clothes to make it her own thing. so the individual items she wears don’t look like much, but she puts them together well. her casual outfits are probably close to what itzy’s lia wears (inspirational links here and here and here)

Day Ten: Talk about your muse’s three closest friends. How did they meet? How long have they known each other? What do they love most about their friends?

i don’t think i like plotted enough with all of you to really list miru’s closest friends?? unity’s jihae sort of encourages her behavior because they’re similar in a sense, and she would consider him a close friend. her members like minzy and bella are also considered close friends. aria’s mimi and miru became friends in a really odd way, but she still looks up to her and how long aria’s been going strong in this industry.

Day Eleven: Has your muse had any scandals? How have these scandals affected your muse as an idol or as a person? If your muse has not had any scandals, talk about their views on scandals. Is all publicity good publicity?

it surprises even miru that she hasn’t had a single attitude scandal yet. maybe it’s because she’s so good at turning on and off her idol persona. the last thing miru really wants is a bad scandal though because while it may help her name get known, it’s not in a positive light, and she needs a positive name value in order to have a long career.

Day Twelve: If your muse is in a group, what are the fun things about promoting with other members? What do they love about being in a group? What do they love about their members? If your muse is a solo artist, what are their thoughts on promoting alone? What do they love about being solo?

miru is certain that she would have rocked it even as a soloist. she thinks she has enough stage presence and charisma to fill up a stage on her own, and she would love to get an opportunity to one day. however, she’s also super dedicated to the group mainly because she has a love for her members. it’s her loyalty kicking in mostly, but she knows that the group needs to be solid for her to get any individual opportunities.

Day Thirteen: For the muses in a group, what are the challenges of being one of several people in a group? Have there been any troubles that have come along with being in a group environment and times they wish they were alone? For the solo artist muses, have you ever felt lonely promoting alone? Do you ever wish that you were in a group instead?

the one thing miru was really upset about at first was that she was never a main anything. she’s the lead vocalist and lead dancer, which to her sounded like she wasn’t good enough to really be the top in anything. she still suffers from an inferiority complex even with her members as she has moments where she doubts her skills, but she’s gotten better at trying not to compare herself to them. it does get tiring being around the same group of people all the time, but her members do a good job of giving her some space when she needs it. overall, she’s pretty satisfied with the atmosphere that 7rophy has as a group.

Day Fourteen: If your muse is in a group, how do you think they would have fared had they had a solo career instead? What kind of concept would they have? If your muse is a solo artist, how do you think they would have fared if they were in an idol group? What position of the group do you think they would have? 

if miru were to have debuted solo, she would have loved a concept like dimensions soloist 1. something alluring and seductive where the force of the song and performance itself is enough to captivate peoples’ eyes. however, if she did debut as a soloist, she thinks that dimensions probably would have given her a concept similar to bc soloist 1. something fresh and young. she doesn’t mind either one because she thinks she can rock anything. she firmly believes that she would have been successful even as a soloist.

Day Fifteen: Who does your muse look up to in the industry? Why do they look up to this person? 

miru admires anybody who’s had a long and strong career. she’ll mention bee and aria usually as her idols. bee because of their public recognition and aria because of their fanbase. both groups have been in the industry for so long, and yet every comeback seems to still do well. that’s the kind of career that she wishes for.

[four-swords-dub]

Next up we have our Green bean blooper machine! Riley!  (Karen: Riley couldn’t record his answers so I’ve included one of my fav lines of his) Name: rockriled Character(s) you voice: Green Link, Deku Scrub #2, Sound Director/Editor of the FS Dub Project Are you in any way like those characters? I think we’re similar in terms of wanting to help/protect the people we love.  As for Green’s personality…probably not? Green is confident, independent, and hardworking while I’m a bag of nerves and anxiety.  I could fit into the hardworking area, though. As for the Deku Scrub…we’re both short, squeaky, and flammable?  (I’m probably not gonna refer to the Deku Scrub for the rest of this since they only got…four lines, I think?)

Favourite/least favourite thing about voicing your character? My favorite thing about voicing Green is that I can just let loose.  I don’t talk much outside of the project due to shyness and how most of my friends live a long ways away, but when I play Green, I can feel powerful and confident even if it’s just for a few minutes.Least favorite thing about voicing Green is that depending on the chapter, he has the most lines.  I blame this on my lack of voice-acting experience, but both actor-me and sound-editor-me look through the script and think “dangit, Green, stop hogging the spotlight and let someone else speak!” Which characters did you audition for? I auditioned for Vio first, but I got nervous that auditioning for only one role was rude.  I figured I wasn’t cute enough for Red or tough enough for Blue, so I went with Green. How did you react when you got the part(s)? Hoo boy, um…settle in, this is a bit of a story.My self-esteem has always been in the pits—and combining that with my perfectionist needs didn’t help, either.  Whenever something cool came up, my brain would go “why bother, you’re gonna fail” and I’d do just that: give up without trying.So when posts about the Four Swords Dub Project started floating around, the same thing happened all over again.  Best way I can describe it… Brain: “Don’t even try it.  You know you’re not gonna get a part.” Me: “But it’s Four Swords, my favorite part of the Zelda manga series.” Brain: “And?  Your voice sucks.  Your acting sucks.  You won’t even get a minor role.  Do you really want to add another failure to your life?”   Me: “…look.  I’m really interested in this.  I don’t know if I’ll actually get a part, but I still want to send in an audition so I can say that I tried.” Brain: “…two main characters?  Really? Don’t get your hopes up.”(some time later) FS Dub Email: “Congratulations, you’re going to be our Green Link!” Me & Brain: “WAIT, WHAT?!” It was a total shock.  I was so convinced I wasn’t going to get in that it never occurred to me that I could get in.  Heck, it’s been a little over two years and I still can’t believe I got a leading role. As for the part of Sound Director/Editor…I can’t remember how, but I somehow got a hold of all the voice lines for all the characters in Chapter 1-1.  Even though I have zero experience in editing, I suddenly got curious and started mixing the files with background music and sound effects. I sent a copy of what I put together to Karen (our voice and project director) for fun. Next thing I knew, I was the BGM/SFX guy for the rest of the project! Long story short: this dub’s been full of surprises. ^_^ Who do you wish you could voice? Oof, that’s a tough one. @_@  It’s so hard to pick because everyone’s already perfect as their current roles...   Had you read the manga before taking part in the dub? Yep! :D It was around the time the internet became a big thing and when YouTube was first made.  Middle-school me spent HOURS scouring Google for Yu-Gi-Oh! content (fell in love with the show in sixth grade) when I stumbled across a website with Legend of Zelda comics  It had the manga versions of Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, the Oracle games, and—my top favorite—Four Swords.

FS holds a special place in my heart for not only giving the Links such diverse eyes/expressions, but destroying typical color-personality associations.  I’d seen fan-comics of Four Swords with Red as the angry one, Blue as the smart one, and Purple as the newbie or the…um…stereotypically-gay one.  Akira Himekawa’s version of the Links blew my freaking mind and I LOVED IT. <3     Any past voice acting experience? At best, the only voice-acting experience I had prior to the FS dub was watching tons of anime and re-enacting scenes via talking to myself.  I still do this with anime, TV shows, movies, books, and video games. @_@ I’m not sure if this counts, but I…kinda got voice training in other areas?  I yelled my lungs out in Tae Kwon Do for two years, sang alto in a chorus for three years, was moved to soprano for one year, yelled my lungs out again in Judo for one year, and learned classical/opera singing techniques for a few months (a friend’s friend was studying to be a music teacher and they needed a volunteer to practice their teaching skills).  They might not count for this question, though… Who is your favourite FS character (if any)? Oh boy...I know younger-me’s favorite was Vio (I blame the eyes and ability to side with both Shadow and the other Links), but these days?  It’s hard to pick, thanks to the dub. @_@ How do you warm up/get in character before recording? Big thing for me is how I’m feeling.  Currently, I work six days a week (it sucks but I need the money/insurance DX) and I use the commute from work to where I live to figure out my mood.  If I’m down in the dumps to the point that music can’t help, I won’t be able to deliver as Green.  If I have some energy or so much energy that I can belt/rap to my music, I’m all set.  It means I’m all loose and confident to record. As for days when I don’t have work like days-off or holidays, I try to relax and get myself in a Green-y mindset. 

Little something I picked up from YouTube is gargling a mouthful of water.  I’m not too sure how it works, but I do this right before a recording session and it helps a lot. Favourite chapter to voice so far? Favourite scene? Um…it’s kinda hard to pick a favorite chapter or scene I liked voicing since I had fun with all of them.  Can I make this into favorite scene/chapter to do sound stuff for instead?  And can I pick multiples instead? >_>;; Favorite Chapter for Sound Editing: Chapter 4.  I had to compile different sounds that reflected Green’s desert, Blue’s snowstorm, Red’s forest fire, and Vio’s night in the woods. It was both challenging and fun. :D  Favorite Scene for Sound Editing: Every comedic scene, scenes where the background music slowed to a halt, and scenes where I had to improvise sound effects.

The slowed-down songs are in the scenes where Blue and Green fight on the boat, and when Red admits he lost his weapons to Blue in the Ice Cave.  Those were tough to do in Audacity (had to slow down the music piece by piece), but it was SO worth it.

As for scenes where I had to use nearby stuff for sounds…there’s a bunch of ‘em.

The door slamming while Erune talks about the missing children = me slamming my bedroom door.

The Gerudo Masseuse’ movements and the Gerudo Elder’s staff = me shaking my wrist while wearing my old belly-dance bracelets.

Deku Scrubs popping out of the ground = me smacking my lips mixed with the deku sound effect from Ocarina of Time.

Green’s sword hitting the labyrinth wall = me hitting a pot lid with a wooden spoon.

Green falling and sliding down the labyrinth wall = me falling and sliding down a bedroom wall.

Eerie shadow raising their sword to attack Green as the moon rises = me sliding a knife sharpener over a kitchen knife.

Shadow walking on clouds = me blowing into the mic mixed with footstep sounds from Ocarina of Time.

Big Poe screaming at Red and Blue = me banging pots, pans, and piano keys mixed with chaotic sound effects I found online.

Big Poe taking Blue’s soul = me breathing into the mic along with heavy editing.

Red clapping at Big Poe = me clapping my hands.

The Four Swords pulsing = me playing a four-note harmony (one for each Link) on the piano mixed with heavy editing and a wind chime effect.

(Karen: This guy is a genius when it comes to sound effects and the dub wouldn’t be half as good without him!)

Lines you dread voicing the most (screaming, crying, etc): As much as I love battle cries, my microphone and its inconvenient ability to make stuff clip bothers me.

And even though the chapter’s long gone, the part where Green remembers when he playing with Zelda as a toddler.  I’M NEVER VOICING SMALL CHILDREN AGAIN. DX

What are your biggest worries when it comes to voicing your character? *pulls in with a giant dump truck* um…

#1 – Is my voice too high or too low? Green’s age would be around early teens or so, and with my weird vocal range, I can’t tell if I make him sound younger or older than he is. #2 – Am I getting the personality right? Because of my shy-as-hell nature, it’s hard for me to pick up if my confident-Green-persona sounds genuine or fake. #3 – Is it bad that I can only voice Green with my natural voice? Many voice actors have a HUGE variety of voices they can do (ex. Tara Strong).  It’s likely because I’m still new to this, but part of me gets nervous that me voicing Green with my normal speaking voice is a sign that I lack voice acting talent. #4 – (Personal worry but it still bothers me sometimes) How will I sound as Green in the future?  I’m a pre-HRT transmale who hates how high his voice is. This year, I’ll be moving out and if I play my cards right, I can start the process to either get testosterone, top surgery, or both.  I love this dub to death, but after voicing Green in my non-HRT voice for so long, I get nervous that I could accidentally lower the quality of the dub if my voice changes if/when I start HRT (assuming the editing process for videos will be the same as it’s been). (Karen: i figure I should add this since people might be wondering how we’re going to handle it. As Green is right now I feel his voice wouldn’t hurt if it went a little deeper. However, if Riley’s voice becomes too deep, I’m going to edit the pitch of his lines. Don’t worry Riley, you aren’t going anywhere!) #5 – Do I make too many bloopers?  During recording, I either screw up or my mind wanders a lot, and I save ‘em for the blooper reel.  When the reel comes out, however, I’ll sometimes see my segment is a little longer than everyone else’s and I get nervous.  ESPECIALLY if Green only had two lines and I had nearly an extra 30 seconds worth of bloopers. Would you date your character (if they were of age)?I’m gonna sound horrible, but…I don’t think Green’s personality would stand out enough to me as a possible date.  If anything, I think we’d just end up being a weird duo of friends: the strong, confident soldier and the socially-awkward weirdo. *laughs*

Do you have a favourite voice actor on the dub?I don’t have a favorite voice actor, but I do have favorite lines/sounds from some of the cast (this is likely to change as more chapters are released).  The way the VAs say these lines, I LOVE ‘EM.  For now, I’m only going to list a few of them so this Q&A doesn’t go too long.

Favorite Carrottheluvmachine/Red line: “Oh!  And it [footprint] looks like mine!” Favorite Ashe/Blue line: “so that’s how you want to do this, huh?!” Favorite Swiss/Vio line: “Losing confidence? …it’s because I’m you too, remember?” Favorite Kaenith/Shadow line: “Shadow saying “you’re a creature of darkness now, don’t forget that.”

Asked by Anon: Riley, how do you come up with so many awesome bloopers? Aww, thank you. ^///^ Most of them are accidental, like me not saying a word correctly. Others happen when I try and fail to memorize the script: if I’m struggling with a line, I’ll have a physical copy of the manga and match Green’s facial expression. This helps me get into the mindset, but it does draw my attention away from the script and I’ll end up flubbing a line because I tried to say it off the top of my head. 

The mistakes where I either notice something weird either pop up on the fly or something I noticed a while back, and then suddenly remember during recording.  The part where I noticed the Four Sword “thrumming” happened when I couldn’t get Green’s “the four sword is pulsing!” line right and I had to keep looking at the manga for the proper face.  It was at that point I noticed the weird sound effect drawn in.  Also, the blooper where I sang a song from The Heathers as Green flees the Eerie Shadow? That was in my head long before the script for Chapter 5 was out and when the time came to record, I remembered that bit. 

Asked by Anon What was the funniest/most humorous line you guys have had to say? Not sure if this counts, but Kaenith had a blooper where they screwed up as Shadow, saying “you’re pretty—UM PRETTY SMART!”  They shared it with the staff and it was so funny, Swiss made a joke response as Vio going “I prefer handsome.”  I was given the two lines to put together and as a joke, I added some audio of a guy screaming “MAKE OUT!” 

The staff liked it so much, they asked me to add Green shouting “NOW KISS!”  It took a while to get perfectly, but I had SO much fun with it. ^_^