#i wouldnt care if i never slept well again if that meant i could sleep next to them every night

[lunarsapphism]

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[ashisstrange]

MASTERLIST

ʷᵒʳᵈˢ: ².²ᵏ

ᵖᵃⁱʳⁱⁿᵍ: ᶜʰⁱˡᵈᵉ ˣ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ

ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᵗᵃᵍˢ: ʰᵘʳᵗ/ᶜᵒᵐᶠᵒʳᵗ, ˢˡⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵃⁿᵍˢᵗ, ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ ⁱⁿˢᵉʳᵗ, ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵍⁱᵛᵉ ʰⁱᵐ ᵃ ᵇʳᵉᵃᵏ ᵃˡʳᵉᵃᵈʸ

✥﹤┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈﹥✥

Its late in the night, far too late for your liking. The moon is glistening in the sky with it's stars, providing a small sheen of light in your dark room, passing through the curtains. It's not unusual for Tartaglia to get home late considering his occupation, but you never got used to the worry pooling in ur gut each hour that passes without him by your side.

What if he's gotten incredibly hurt and you're not there to help? What if one day he doesn't return home? Nontheless you always prepare extra dinner and make the bed, even on nights he doesn't return. You never had the idea of coming home to loving arms and warm dinner as a kid, so it felt as if it's your duty to make sure Tartaglia never suffers that feeling.

The feeling of a stab in the chest as you enter the dark house, eerily silent. You'd always pad your way to the kitchen silently and snag a sandwich before going to bed in your room. Your living situation had never been inherently bad, but the people you lived with, the people any other person would've called their parents, seemed to make everything unbearable.

That is why when you turned 18 you moved out to Liyue harbor, and your close friend Zhongli was there every step of the way. You had run into him once during a trip at the age of 16, and you had kept contact through letters ever since.

The man, at the time, told you he was 23, but he never really seemed to age. You brushed it off, probably overthinking it. That is the same person that introduced you to Childe, it was quite a sudden occurence, but you'll be forever grateful.

You needed a place to stay and your friend told you that his friend wouldnt mind a roommate, and that he was rarely found home anyways. You took up the offer, not knowing that your roommate would be one of the fatui harbingers.

You were off to a rocky start, the man refusing to talk to you the very few times he was at the appartment. Later though, he seemed to warm up to you, ever so slowly.

You don't remember how your relationship ever came to be, it's not like you've ever explicitly put a label to it. There was just a moment where you felt as if everything changed. What you had wasn't just merely a romantic relationship, it was more than that. To provide each other comfort and love like no one else had ever done before. Unconditional love that didnt seem to falter, even during the moments where you parted ways.

You smile to yourself, remeniscing the days you barely talked, and the days you spent helping him when he was wounded. There was one particular night he just crashed into your bed in the middle of the night, even though he usually only used the couch.

He had clung to you as if you were his only lifeline, sleeping soundlessly as you laid in shock. The shock died down after a few seconds though, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. Not long after you fell asleep too, and since that night Tartaglia had never slept on the couch ever again.

You check th clock. 4:37 Am, way too late to be up, but it's not like you'd sleep regardless. You'd probably get an ear full from Zhongli during your scheduled lunch the next day, but that, folks, is something for future you to deal with.

Suddenly you heard the turning of keys in a lock, and a door opening and slamming shut. That can only be one person. Then you heard a crash coming from the living room, making you shoot up. You slipped on your slippers as you quickly shuffled your way across the room and out into the living room.

You flicked on the light and were met by Tartaglia, slumped against the back of the couch. His bow was discarded to the side and he was breathing heavily. Sluggishly, his eyes opened to meet yours, his gaze seemed distant, almost empty.

You snapped out of your trance, rushing to pull his arm over your shoulder. You managed to drag him across the living room, over to the bathroom, settling him down on the closed lid of the toilet. You held up your hands, as if to say 'wait here'. You didn't dare break the silence that hung over you, scared that you'd set him off or something.

He didn't seem to protest, so you left to go get the med kit from the kitchen, and a clean rag to clean off the blood splattered across his skin. Was it his? That was a question that, regardless if you could guess the answer, would be left unanswered. As always.

He met your eyes when you returned, seeking for some contact. He knew how much you hated blood. The stickyness, the sickening smell and the thought of what must have happened that involved getting covered in blood. You always helped him regardless, and he thanked you dearly for that. After a long day he simply could not do it himself.

It makes him feel helpless, but you're always right by his side to make him feel better. You wet the rag, cleaning off his calloused hands. His face too had some traces of blood, but those were easily wiped away as well.

After some emergency stitches and a bandage around his bicep you motioned for him to stand up, letting him know that the treatment was done. He was still quite weak, but not as much as before.

"Thanks," he croaked, the first words you shared in 2 days. His voice sounded devoid of any confidence. He seemed very fragile, but you didn't comment it.

"No worries," You send him a reassuring smile, helping him get up and over to the bedroom. You see him visibly relax once he's in bed, snuggling into the sheets. He immediately rolls over towards you when he feels the matress dip, wrapping his arms around your waist.

His face is buried in between your shoulder blades, and it's nearly impossible for you to turn over and look at him. He only does that when he's in a bad mood, and you stop putting in effort to try and face him.

"Bad day?" He hums, the vibrations thrumming against your back. He seems tense, but you're careful not to trigger him too much. The last thing you want is to stress him out even more, knowing he has a lot on his plate already.

After a while, when you've started nodding away assuming he fell asleep you suddenly feel movement behind you. You open your eyes as you hear a small sniffle. It's almost as if you could hear your hart shatter from beneath your ribs. He probably thought you were asleep too.

His arms had relaxed, allowing you to turn around easily. His ocean blue eyes met yours, big with surprise, even though they seemed almost grey-ish in the faint moonlight. All you could do is smile at him as you opened his arms, for him to rely on you.

And that's exactly what he did. qHe fell into your chest, sniffling and crying freely as you drew patterns on his back, your other hand running through his hair. You could almost feel his clogged nose by the way he was having trouble breathing. After a bit his sobbing eased down to mere sniffles as you handed him a handkerchief to blow out his nose.

He used to have a lot of trouble with that, relying on people. Upon meeting him he imediately sparked you as the type of person that didnt bother anyone with his personal feelings, bottling them up for only him to experience. You could see how it physically and mentally ate away at him

That's why one day you faced him, and opened your arms. He had quirked up a brow, confused at what you were insinuating. "Rely on me." You said, and he chuckled, assuming it was a joke.

When you didn't move he realised you weren't kidding. Eventually you wrapped your arms around him, the man tense in your grip. "You don't seem to want to bug anyone else with your problems, so you can rely on me instead,"

You had no idea ho much those words had meant to him, they stuck by him like gum under a shoe. It felt good, he admitted, to have someone to rely on.

"I'm so sorry," He croaks, and he sounds nearly as small as he did in the bathroom half an hour ago, his eyes red with tears. Seeing him like that made your chest clench in pain, knowing the pain the world has caused him.

"There's nothing for you to apologise for," he seems to be taken aback by your comment, maybe even... offended?

"N-no way, i'm clearly a burden to you and a waste of yo-" you shut him up by pressing a kiss to his lips, making his eyes widen.

"You have nothing to apologize for because i am here for you, willingly. I promised to help you with whatever you're going through didn't i," He nods in defeat, leaning back into you. The way he cuddles up to you almost seems domestic, forgetting the fact that he kills people for a living.

"You need to take a break sweetie, otherwise you'll just keep eating yourself up," You stroke a lock of hair out of his face that nearly seemed glued by the stickyness of his tears. He furrows his brows, creating deep creases in between them.

"You know i can't, there's way too much for me to do," He looks up at you, as if he's offended you brought it up in the first place. You press your thumb in between his brows, easing up the crease and stopping him from furrowing.

"We both know it isn't a crime to take a week off, considering you've never used your days off," He tries to butt in, but you shush him before he can start. "And before you start about 'your duties', there's enough harbingers at the fatui, it's not like they can't send Scaramouche to deal with your business for a bit,"

He frowns again, but you resume in stroking his hair. "Besides, if they don't allow you to take off, which i highly doubt, they'll have me to deal with," You smirk. His eyes crinkle up as he musters a small smile. You're not the most intimidating person on the planet, but it's the sentiment that matters.

"What would i even do in that week though," he huffs, fiddling with the back of your shirt as he seems deep in thought.

"Well i had just the idea," you chuckle as he looks at you in disbelief. His eyes are still a bleary red, but you can tell he's a lot less tense than earlier. "And that is..." He continues, his tone ever so curious.

"Say, how long has it been since you've been back home," he visibly tenses up, not meeting your eyes. You know its a sensetive topic, but it'd really do him good to go back home to see his family.

"I dont know, nearly two years," his voice is merely above a whisper, bless the fact that the room is so silent you'd be able to hear a pin drop. You adjust your position so that he's laying against you more comfortably, going back to stroking through his hair.

"Well i thought we could book it to shnezhynaiya for a week or two, spend some time with your family," He lays still against you, as if he'd break if he moved. "After all, they've only heard about me through letters," you chuckle.

You hold him a little tighter, leaning into the warmth. "Wouldn't you like that?" You say in his ear, just above a whisper. That seems to break him, the realisation dawning on him that he'd get to see his family again.  Tears run down his face once again, only this time they're not caused by distress. He nods as he buries his face back into your shoulder.

You stroke his back as you continue talking about your trip, soothing him. Later, when he's stopped crying, he talks along. He tells you about his parents, about how his mother used to be there for him through everything. About how he used to go ice fishing with his father in the winters, and proudly mention he caught a very big fish once.

He also tells you about his siblings, about how he cares for every single one of them very dearly. He also tells you about the spots he wants to visit with you he used to hang out at.

He tells you all about it, and for the first time in a while you see him smile. Really, genuinely smile. The kind of smile where his eyes crinkle up and he bares his teeth. It's an incredibly endearing sight, and u make a mental note to never forget it.

Suddenly he yawns. "You must be exhausted," you chuckle as you both adjust your positions, ready to fall asleep. He only hums as he keeps his eyes shut, pulling up his blanket. His breathing evens out as he falls asleep.

You smile as you look at his resting face, snuggling closer to him as you think; god, how did i get this lucky

[arthurflecksgirl]

Reader finds out she`s pregnant with Arthur`s child

@jaraysha1121 requested this one! Thank you so much for the lovely request!!! I really, really, really hope you will like the result :)

Arthur humming quietly into your ear was the perfect way to wake up in the morning. Smelling his hair, that felt tickelish into your face while he kissed you awake was. You just wished that all of this, his bed hair in the morning, him humming oldies in the kitchen while making coffee, his skin on yours at night, would never come to end end.

You have been together for one year now but it felt like you had known him before the beginning of time. Having him in your arms felt like holding the entire universe in your hands. Like anything was possible and there was nothing that you weren`t able to face together. Arthur was your muse, your inspiration. Your proof that no matter how cruel life has been to you, there is still hope to stay gentle at heart and to end up being loved. It was just the same the other way around. You ended up being Arthurs salvation. His soul mate. Everything he ever hoped for and daydreamed about. You and him. It was just fate.

"Hey Y/N. I made you some tea. I hope you feel better this morning? I noticed you couldnt find sleep tonight?" He handed you the cup "Careful, its still very hot." You took a careful sip and put it back on the table. " Arthur crawled back on the couch with you, so you took him under the green blanket. He softly kissed your cheek.

"Um...yeah well I feel better now" you lied.  You didnt wanted him to be worried about you, since Arthur worried about you a lot. Whenever he thought there was the slightest chance for you to get sick or cold or anthing that made you feel uncomforable. He would ask you every five minutes if you already felt better, which was beyond adorable, but still, you didnt wanted him to get worried, because after a while he tended to get nervous and anxious , and that wasnt good for his mental health and insomnia at all. So yo decited to try to hide it from him. But he just knew you so well.

"Are you sure, baby? You seem like there is something wrong? You didnt even ate your fave cookies yesterday. The plate is still full so... I got evidence!" He joked and pulled your nose. "No, I`m fine, Artie, really. I mean.I just woke up beside you. How on earth wouldnt I feel great?" You took another sip of tea.

"Yeah..." Arthur lit himself a cig and stared at the ceiling while his arm was wrapped around you "You know, I just wish we could do this more often. The sleepover.  But its very diffucult to hide you from my mother. I dont know how she would react if she knew that a girl was sleeping in the living room."

You nodded. It was obvious that Arthur loved his mum but he was also afraid to get into a confrontation with her. He would only confront her with anything if there was absolutely no other way to handle it. So you sneaked into his apartment when Penny was already asleep.

"Sooo what if she just wakes up and walks through the living room? She will notice me for sure."

Arthur shook his head while he took a deep drag of his cig "She will not wake up".

"What do you mean?"

"She took some sleeping pills yesterday. Well... I made her do it but...anyway..." he stroke your hair "Dont worry abut that okay? She will still be asleep for the next few hours for sure. And even if she will wake up, she would be so confused, you could just hide under the blanket and she wouldnt notice anything."

"I see... you thought of anything didnt you? I wonder what she would sayif she knew there was a girl on the couch."

Arthur leaned in to kiss your ear "Just think of what she would do if she knew what I did with this girl last night...?!"

You smirked "Yeah that was definitely helping with feeling better."

"So what do you think she would do?"

"She would tell you you`re a naughty boy"

Arthur put the cig in his pink ashtray and  kissed you passionately.

"Yeah...being naughty is fun isnt it?"

You nodded under the sweet pressure of his lips.

You tried to be as quiet as possible, even though he claimed that Penny wouldnt wake up.  She was still in the back of your mind. There was something about the thought of being caught that you really liked.

Arthur checked the clock "Oh. I gotta go to work now. I`m pretty late. " He got up from the couch and grabbed his clown gear. You stood up to change your clothes as you realized how your head was spinning. Arthur didnt noticed. He was distracted by checking his bag.  " We`ll see each other on Monday, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I will visit  when you get home from work. "

Arthur grabbed the keys "Great. I cant wait to see you again, sweetheart. Any plans for today?"

You opened teh door "Yeah I will visit my best friend over the weekend. We`ll be watching movies and stuff."

You both headed down the hallway and got into the elevator "Sounds like fun" Arthur smiled at you with so much love in his eyes. His tiney wrinkles made you want to cover his beautiful face with kisses.

"What?" he asked as he noticed you staring.

"Nothing....its just...I love you so god damn much!"

Arthurs cheeks turned red "Dito!" he said, gently touching your cheek before you said goodbye. You watched him running towards the subway station. He was really late.

Being in the elevator a minute ago made your dizzyness even worse. You closed your eyes for a moment, wondering if you might catched the flu. You felt sick to the stomach for about three days now and it didnt seemed to get any better.  Hopefully it wouldnt ruin the whole weekend. You knew that your best friend bought sweets and cake but you didnt felt like eating anything at all.

Thirty minutes later you arrived. Your best friend welcomed you with the warmest hug. She was the only one who accepted your love to Arthur. Most of your other friends thought he was weird for his laughter and for still living with his mother at the age of 35. You started to realize that some of those people didnt even deserved your friendship, especially they didnt deserved to get to know the wonderful man that Arthur was.

"Hey Y/N ! I`m glad you`re here. I`ve planned something for tonight. You will be excited to hear about it. How is Arthur doing?"

You got out of your jacket and sat down on the couch "He`s doing fine. Thank you for asking. He`s on some new meds and they are much better than the last ones he had."

"I`m happy to hear this. But you kno what his best medicine is? YOU. Imean it. He looks so much healthier since the two of you meet each other on a regular basis."

Hearing those words coming out of her mouth meants the world to you "Thank you so much. I appriciate that. The others dont understand...."

"Pffff" she headed to the kitchen and came back with a huge self made pizza "Dont listen to them. They are idiots. Every single one of them. Arthur is a nice guy and he is good for you. I can see the way you look at each other. There is so much love between you."

"Yeah. I really do love him. More than anything. I think he`s my soulmate."You smiled "I understand him.  And he gets me. We get each other. We dont even have to say anything. Its just....we know. We`re the same. "

"Heyyyyy check this out" she put the huge pizza on the table in front of you "Its self made. i`m kinda proud. We will kill this delicios thing this evening. What do you think?"

Just looking at the food made you feel sick again "Um.....yeah thats....great. It looks delicious"

Your friend put her hand on your forehead "Y/N. You look kinda pale."

"Yeah...I dont feel so well....its been this way for half a week now. I can barely eat something and I feel dizzy at times and just....weird. Like...I dont know my body and mind feel funny and....I dont know....I havent slept for days..." you started crying.

"Ohhh noooo why are you crying? Is there anything going on with Arthur you wouldnt tell me?"

You wiped a tear away "No. No really. He is fine. I`m just very sensitive these days. I`m not sure why.... maybe it was all to much with the others not respecting Arthur as my boyfriend. ...I dont know....Just stressed out emotionally I think.. But I will be fine."

Your friend told you  that you didnt have to eat anything if you dont feel like it, but two hours later you decited to give it a try and grabbed a piece of her selfmade pizza. After one slice you felt so bad you coudlnt hide it from your bestie anymore "Oh my god. I think I gotta go to the bathroom" you hurried up and closed the door behind you.

"Y/N? Are you okay in there?"

"Yeah....kinda....just...I`m just sick to the stomach. I think I catched the flu or something. maybe its better for me to go home. I dont want you to get infected."

Ten minutes later you got back into the living room again. She waited for you with a big grin on her face. Why would she make fun of you feeling sick?

"Feeling better?" the grin still lingering on your lips. It kinda hurt you to see her reaction.

"No. I think I`m gonna go home. I think I have to rest until I see Arthur again on Monday.  I dont want to cancel our date. He is looking forward to it. I`m sorry thatI ruined our weekend before it even started...."

She giggled.

"Why are you laughing? Cant you see I`m feeling like shit?"

She pointed at the empty place beside her "Si down Y/N. And calm down for a second. I dont think that you`re ill at all. You feel sick to the stomach, dizzy and emotionally sensitive.....Think about what it might be."

"I dont know what you are talking about!" you yelled

"Oh I see, currently very emotional with your  reactions."

"Yeah go ahead making fun of me" you replied with a dissappointed look on your face.

"Y/N. You and Arthur I mean....you want to stay together right?"

"Of course we do!"

"You love each other to death?"

"Yeah!"

She clapped her hands "So I think Monday will be even more special when he hears the news!"

"Which news?" you still didnt understood what she was all about.

"Y/N. My dear, you might be pregnant with Arthur`s child!"

The very second you heard her saying this your heart just stopped. You tried to think about the symptoms  but all you could think about was Arthur and how he would react if this was really true. You rubbed your dimples, tried to remember how one of your friends felt like when she got pregnant.  It really could be it.

"Oh my god..." you whispered.

"YES great news. I mean....if you really are this would be great news for you, right? Hopefully...I mean...did you talked about that? You and Arthur?"

Concentrating was hard "We did....I mean....a while ago he told me how much he loves kids and that he always wanted to have a family and .....I mean look at him when he is with kids. he would be a great dad. I know he would. "

"And how do YOU feel about it?" she asked.

"I...I`m not sure....I mean...I want to spent the rest of my life with him and...the thought of being a parent is stil kinda scare, isnt it? But...yeah I think I really want to have a kid with Arthur. He is the only man who ever made me feel this way. Its just overwhelming right now. The thought that it might happen NOW. But yeah...I would be happy about it for sure. " you started to cry. Your best friend hugged you tight "Shhhhhtt . Eighter way it will be good. What do you think about going to the pharmacy and get a test right now? So you dont have to ask yourself that question all day?"

You nodded. Knowing would help. You just had to know if your friend was right.

An hour later you couldnt stop your hands from shaking as you got back to your friends apartment. The pregnancy test in your hand felt surreal. You never did such a test before, so you sat down with her to read everything through.

"Are you ready?" she asked you.

You werent sure. How could anyone ever be ready for something like that? Deep down you knew that there was nothing to be afraid of. The more you thought about it, the more you wanted the test to turn out positive. You just felt deep in your heart that Arthur would be happy,too. There was only a slight chance that he would be too overwhelmed and scared. But then again, who wouldnt be?

"No. I`m not ready" you smiled while you said it out loud.

"But you are smiling! Thats a good thing. Take your time. We can do this tonight if you want."

You got up and headed to the bathroom "No. No. I really want to know now.  So I will have more time to think about how I will tell Arthur on Monday."

"Ha! You`re already talking like you are pregnant. I like that" her face lighted up.

And you realized that this was true. Somehow you suddenly felt like you already knew. Like everything was coming together. You imagined Arthur holding your baby for the first time. Imagined his big puppy eyes while trying to make his kid laugh. You already felt the love he was radiating as a dad. Your eyes started watering when you closed the door behind you. You followed the discriptions of the test and waited.

It wasnt long but it felt like a lifetime.

So many scenarios went through your head. Any possible reaction from Arthur. You checked the watch. It was time to take a look at the result. Your heart was beating fast. You didnt even knew how much you wanted a kid with him until now. You hoped for the test to be positive. So much it would even hurt you if it was not the case. This morning you didnt even thought of being a parent and suddenly it was all you could think about. Arthur as a dad. Arthur as the father of your child. What a wonderful life it would be! Not easy, but wonderful and worth living for.

Your shaky hand grabbed the test with eyes closed. One deep breath in. And another.

Okay.

Now.

Now you will know.

Postive. The test was positive. Arthur and you would be parents soon!

You wished for him to be here with you right now. A brief moment you felt regret for not making the test when he was there with you but anyway, you would make sure to surprise him in the sweetest way!

"Ohhh my god, you were right!" you screamed as you got out of teh bathroom "You were right!!!!"

Your friend ran towards you and held you tight "I knew. I just knew. I am so happy for you. Are you happy? You are feeling good, right? Oh my god!"

"Yeah, I...I am happy. So much happier than I thought I would be. I cant wait to tell Arthur the day after tomorrow. God, I dont even know if I can wait until then. But I have to because....I want the surprise to be perfect. And I gotta figure out how I will tell him the news!"

"You`re going to be a great mum Y/N. I just know. And Arthur is going to be the funniest daddy ever!"

You sat down on teh couch, dizzy but happy at heart "Wow,thats just...a lot to think about!"

Your friend told you to rest and made you a cup of tea to calm your stomach.  You realized that life would never be the same again after the kid would be born. But you wanted it. You wanted it all. With him. And him only.

It was so hard to no tell Arthur when he called you the next day. But you wanted to see his face when you told him. You wanted to feel his arms around you and this wasnt possible through the phone, so you waited for Monday evening.

You made sure that you arrived earlier than he would and put the pregnancy test into an envelope, so he would find it as soon as he checked the box for letters. He always did because his mum was waiting on a letter from Thomas Wayne for months now. Standing in the hallway was torture. You checked your watch at least twenty times until he finally arrived. Arthur was still wearing his clown make up. He carried his green wig and clown shoes in his big bag, looking tired. "Ohhhh honey. I`m so glad to be home. It was a long day at HaHas.  There was a kids birthday. I danced for at least three hours. But it was worth it. You should have seen the little boys face! God. I love making kids happy.....Y/N? Are you okay?"

"Arthur!" you jumped into his arms and felt him with all your senses.  "Yes I`m fine. Just so.....good to see you again and I missed you so much!"

A real smile was visible underneath his big, red fake smile "I`m happy to have you in my arms again,too. I missed you the moment you walked out of the elevator two days ago!"

Arhur grabbed his keys to open the letter box. That was the moment. In less than a minute he would know.

"A letter!" he mumbled "Maybe my mum finally gets what she was waiting for ."  He checked the envelope. "Wait....It says For Arthur....there is no stamp and....this is...your handwriting...?" he looked at you. The confused frown on his face made you want to kiss him so bad.

"Open it, darlin. please!"

Arthurs fingers felt that there was something in it.

"Darling, its not even my birthday." he joked "Did you got me a present?" he reached for what was in there and pulled it out.

Arthurs face froze for a moment. No reaction. Just him staring at the test and the little note that said "Soon we`re going to be a family! "

For a second your heart seemed to stop. Why didnt he say anything? Why wasnt he even moving? Was it bad news for him?

The envelope fell down to his feet as he covered his face with his hands. He was crying.

"A-Arthur? Darling?" you took a step closer to him. And another. Until you were able to put your arm around him. His tiney body was shaking.

"Arthur....please say something.

Seeing him cry now was torture. You were looking forward to this moment until you saw the test result and now he was crying in silence. He didnt even looked at you. His beautiful hands just covered his face while he was sobbing like a little boy.

"Oh Arthur, I thought....I really thought this would make you happy,too?!"

Arthur uncovered his face. His puffy eyes glanced at you with love "Are you kidding me Y/N? Of course I am happy. I was never happier in my whole life! Oh my god. I am....I never felt this way before. We are going to be a family! This is all I ever wanted in life. Thank you for making my dream come true!" Arthur fell into your arms. His head resting on your shouders  as tears of happiness ran down his face.

Now you started crying too.

"Oh god, I`m so glad. So reliefed. You`re going to be the best daddy ever. I love you so much, Artie! So incredibly much."

Arthur kissed you softly on the lips. Traces of his clown make up covered the corner of your mouth.

"You know what? Tomorrow I`m taking a day off and we`ll have a beautiful picnic in the park. Just the two of us. Out on a date to celebrate this! And when we`re back home, I´m going to tell my mum!"

You smiled "Your mum didnt even knew you had a girlfriend. She will be shocked."

"So what? Its our life! And our desicion. We will be looking for a new home anyway."

"Yeah" you wiped a curl out of his face.

"C`mon, honey, lets get in and relax for the night."

Arthur took you by the hand and soon you found yourself all cuddled up on the couch. Arthur on your side. Skin on skin. His breath behind your ear. His hand caressing your belly.

"So you think its going to be a boy or a girl?" he asked you while his fingers gently moved in circles. He lit some candles to make it even cozier for you.

"I dont know" you whispered "I would love a son who looks just like his father."

Arthurs hand on your tummy felt so calming. Like a charm that made your child feel loved.

"And I would love a daughter who is just as precious as her mother."

You smiled.

"I promise I will try my best to be a good dad. I will make our kid laugh as often as possible and teach him or her how to do magic tricks and I´ll dance to make the child feel better. I will try anything. to be.....good enough! I`m gonna take good care of our baby."

"I know you are going to be amazing. Who wouldnt love to have a funny clown as a father?"

Arthur leaned in to kiss you "I promise you, I will find a job as a stand up comedian so we can afford much more than now. I`m gonna make it work. "

"I know we will Arthur. The two....no. The three of us together."

Arthur pulled you even closer to his chest. The warmth of his body lulled you in as you drifted away into sleep. The last thing you`ve heard before your eyes closed was Arthur whispering "Sleep tight, little angel" while he placed his lips on your belly to kiss your child good night.

[angelsswirl]

Vellichor

The One With Shit and The Fan

A.N. Yall are about to be very mad at me, but it must be read.

~•~

Oh and I know

And you know that we've been here before

I think I know how it should end

We got an audience calling us crazy

You feel like a white suburban mom.

The ones that hoot and howl over every little thing in preparation for company.

You feel like that, because that's exactly what you're doing right now.

Hooting and howling over every little thing in preparation for company.

"If you move a pillow to sit on the couch, what do you do with the pillow when you're done sitting on the couch? YOU PUT THE PILLOW BACK! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS?!"

You had finally managed to convince Jisoo to agree to a civilized dinner with Taylor's parents. It involved a lot of placating and a lot of sex.

So naturally, you had to make sure the house was spic and span, because you wouldn't be caught dead in a filthy home.

Luckily, your children had pulled their own weight and helped, you were now just doing the finishing touches, like putting throw pillows in their proper place and screwing the cap on the milk jug tighter.

You also made sure to keep an eye on Jisoo just in case she decided to booby trap the place. At this point you wouldnt put it pass her.

Ryland came bouncing into the kitchen excitedly, "What did you make for dinner tonight, mommy? You got my text about the Bae-Park's dietary restrictions right?"

Despite being the second oldest, Ryland still called you 'mommy' occasionally. Especially, when she was excited or wanted something.

"Yes. Suzy and Jackson are allergic to peanuts and Taylor won't eat anything with a face. We'll see how long that lasts because you're a carnivore like your mom. And I passed it along to Lia because she cooked." You fussed around the kitchen. Dusting and swatting at imaginary dust.

"But what if mama convinced Lia to poison Chaeyoung?!"

You rolled your eyes. Did your daughter really think her mother would do something like that? Or better question. Did she really think you would let her mother do something like that?

"Jisoo has been here all day and I have her phone. I talked with Lia about everyone's needs and she made something suitable for everyone. Everything is going to be okay. Calm down, baby."

Ryland pouted, "How do you know if Chaeyoung has any restrictions? I didn't text you about her."

"We dated, remember?"

"No. I wasn't there."

"...Everything is going to be okay. Now, get out of my kitchen and set the dining room table. You might have to bring some more chairs in from the garage."

Ryland nodded.

~•~

Jisoo stared at her wife with a partially unreadable expression on her face.

She had been tricked into this. Bribed, if you will. Maybe even conned.

Sure, she was more or less fine with Taylor dating her daughter, but she wasn't really fine with spending more than an hour in a room with one of the only other people on the planet who knows what her wife looks like naked.

Great.

Her wife looks great naked. And Park Chaeyoung knew that.

She was doing her best to hide her blatant jealousy and anger but Jisoo wasn't an oscar winning actress for a reason.

"Are you getting all primped up for me or for her?" It sort of just slipped out. You had been putting on makeup for the past hour and Jisoo couldn't help but wonder.

You had never rolled your eyes harder in your life, "I'm not about to start this with you."

"You're avoiding the question."

"Because you should know the answer by now."

"For me?"

You put the finishing touches on your dark tinted red lip. Smacking them dramatically, then placing the tube of lipstick back onto the vanity.

You turned toward Jisoo with a smirk, "Oh no. For me."

Jisoo could only watch you walk out the door and into the main living area of the house.

Jisoo would try to keep the snarkiness to a minimum. If only because she's sure if she doesn't she'll never get to see your great nakedness again.

~•~

Dinner, to everyone's surprise, isn't that awkward. Probably due to the fact that Taylor easily dominated the conversation, you're a bit preoccupied with fussing over Kaleb, and Jisoo has had a full glass of red wine.

"Tay tay! How did your parents react to you telling them Ryland was your mate? Did they throw a tantrum like mama did?" Peyton asked, her mischievous smile poorly hidden behind her glass of lemonade.

Sometimes, you think Peyton forgets she still lives with you unlike her older siblings and can most definitely still be grounded. You had to resort to your signature glare, but it did the trick as Peyton slumped into her chair, thoroughly frightened.

Taylor looked confused at the question. Peyton knew the answer. They're literally best friends. She was the first one she told.

"No. Mom just mumbled that it probably made sense and then I went to go play soccer."

Ryland smiled lovingly across the table at Taylor. Lia made a gagging sound.

You thanked whatever being was listening that Peyton's chaos energy hadn't prevailed. If you thought, Ryland was your demon child while you were pregnant with her, you surely hadn't seen anything yet.

"Okay, why don't all of you kids, go do whatever it is you do in the livingroom. Mom doesn't need you to see her scarf down an entire bottle of merlot in one gulp." You mumbled that last part under your breath.

Everyone but Lia left the table, happy to be excused.

You stared at her blankly.

"I'm 22."

You're not exactly sure why but your patience is wearing thin quickly.

"Did I ask how old you were?"

"No, ma'am. Excuse me." She bowed her head dramatically before grabbing Kaleb and scurrying from the table.

"Kids. So....interesting." Chaeyoung said in an attempt to break the silence.

"Yeah. I keep telling myself that my reward for not killing them are future grandchildren. Well, actually. I'm already terrified of whatever Peyton procreates."

Both Chaeyoung and Suzy laugh at your joke.

"So, how'd you two meet?" Jisoo asked inbetween sips of her wine. She wasn't even looking in Chaeyoung and Suzy's direction, if only because it was sort of hard to peer around you in their positions.

You tried to listen for answers, you really did, but your reasoning for the irritability comes to light. You're sweating and almost slumped over into Jisoo, but you somehow managed to keep yourself upright.

Jisoo and Chaeyoung's eyes snapped to you at the same time. And the last time you felt this much dread, was when you found out that Jisoo and Chaeyoung found out about each other.

It's almost like you see Chaeyoung's mouth move in slow motion. You will her not to say anything, just let you silently excuse yourself from the table and take your suppressants, but no. Things were never easy when it came to Chaeyoung and Jisoo.

Chaeyoung offhandedly mumbled "That's familiar." She doesn't really mean anything by it. You knew that, hell even Suzy knew that.

But you can see the glass in Jisoo's hand start to shake.

"What did you just say?"

"Huh? Oh nothing. I didn't mean anything by it, Jisoo. I swear."

"Chu...let it go." You do your best to calm her down with a light touch to her thigh.

"It's no big deal. It was stupid I shouldn't have said it."

"You fucking my wife isn't a big deal?"

"Jisoo! What the hell?" You stared at your alpha who seemed to be looking right through you to Chaeyoung. The pent up anger in her eyes was quite astonishing.

"What's your problem, Jisoo? It's been years and the only one who still fucking cares is you." Chaeyoung said with a shake of her head.

"My problem is you."

Chaeyoung rolled her eyes, "I'm married with two beautiful kids. I don't want y/n and she doesn't want me. Grow up."

Chaeyoung gathered her belongings and gestured for her wife to follow her. Suzy did so reluctantly, she shot a glance of sympathy toward you but otherwise didn't say anything.

The family left, two confused children in tow.

You swallowed harshly, it was surprisingly easy to fight off your heat instincts considering you wanted very little to do with the person that's supposed to help you through that.

"Well. Congratulations."

Jisoo's brows furrowed, not in the least bit surprised when you dont elaborate.

You got up from the table without a word. You headed to the livingroom and poked your head in, "Peyton, do you mind cleaning up the table. You don't have to do the dishes, just put them in the sink. Thank you." Abigail and Ryland stared after you.

Peyton set about doing the task without any fan fare.

You then hurried into your bedroom. Wiping at your eyes and your makeup.

You knew Jisoo had followed you. Probably wanting an explanation about what you said.

"Why can't you just let it go? It's been twenty years. You said you were over it, but every time you're even slightly reminded you blow up. You know how sorry I am but it feels like I'm still being punished."

"You slept with her. You're mine and you slept with her." Jisoo looked at you like she didn't understand how you didn't get that.

"I'm yours now. I wasn't back then. Even if you imprinted on me I wasn't your mate. I wasn't even your girlfriend. I didn't cheat on you. Why does everything I did have to be some slight against you?"

Jisoo huffed, "You knew I loved you. You led me on you made me think that it was only me. That you were only going to choose me."

"What did I ever say to make you think that? Was marrying you not enough? Is being your mate not enough? Those three beautiful babies not enough?"

"We have four kids."

"Oh, hop off it. You know that's not what I meant."

Jisoo doesn't say anything further. She only stares at some point passed your head.

"Am I not enough for you, Jisoo? Because I don't know what else I can give you. I gave you my life, my love, my womb. But it's still not enough for you. What else do you want from me?!" You tried not to raise your voice too much, but it was sort of a hard feat to accomplish around your tears.

"To go back in time and not sleep with her. To say she never meant anything to you."

"Oh. You want the impossible." You nodded slowly, not agreeing in the slightest. But you got it now.

"Say it."

"You know I can't."

"Say it, y/n."

"We told each other that we would never lie to each other, and I'll be damned if I start now."

"...Then tell me to leave."

"Jisoo."

"I need to go, but I can't do it unless you tell me to."

You choked on a sob, "Fine. Go. Just know, if you walk out of that front door everything that I have said tonight, will be proven right."

That got Jisoo to hesitate. To rethink breifly. But the alpha is telling her to go before she does something she really regrets. So, she leaves. And the pain that encompasses her heart is nothing like she had ever felt in her life.

You heard the door slam shut and with it, Peyton walked into the room. You pretend that you dont see the tears in each other's eyes, "Mommy?" Her omega is calling out to yours, probably more than she realized.

She's technically a pup and she needs comfort, so even though you felt like curling up into a ball and dying you give it to her.

She practically falls into your lap and she sniffled. Your and Jisoo's bond isn't broken by any means, but even the children can tell there's something not quite right.

"I didn't mean for you to hear that, baby girl."

"Are you two going to be okay? I've never seen mama that mad before."

And that question coming from her daughter seemed to hurt the most, "I hope so, Pey. I hope so."

[peacedolantwins]

Pain and Embarrassment pt 3

part of my family series

part 1

part 2

It had been 3 months since Ethan decided to ruin not only your relationship, but also the relationship he had with his kids. You had hardly spoken to him since you went out to California to be with your family. You had only called a few times to let him know that you would be back in time for the kids to start school in the fall.

There was so much he wanted to tell you, apologize for, but each time he tried either he couldnt find the words or you hung up before he got the chance to say anything. He had hardly talked to his kids these past months. Skylar and Connor wanted nothing to do with him. He expected as much from Connor, but Sky not wanting to talk to him hurt more than he thought it would. Everyone was handling this differently and coping the best they could.

The little girl who was his whole world from the moment she was born didnt want to talk to her dad. The one man she thought would never hurt her, the one she thought she could trust with her whole heart and would always be there was the one who just did the most damage. She couldnt understand how Ethan could have done something like this to not only you but to her family. The girl Ethan cheated with was only a few years older than she was and she couldnt help but think about all the times she had been to his office and had conversations with this woman. She felt like she had a part to play in this for not seeing it.

Connor not wanting to talk to him hurt in a different way than the rest. Ethan knew he could try and patch up his relationship with the other kids but it felt like there was nothing left to try and fix with Connor. He was gone all the time overseas, he had limited communication and he only came home once in a blue moon. There was no way he could try and sit down with his son unless Connor allowed it and he severely doubted that was going to happen anytime soon. Ethan knew that you were Connors whole world, you could do no wrong in his eyes and he practically worshiped the ground you walked on and while the other kids would tease him about being a mamas boy, Ethan was proud his son was so protective of you. However, this is when it seems to have backfired on him because as soon as he lost you he should have known he’d lose his son too.

Alex and Riley were understandably upset with him. They spoke to him a few times just to call and check in and let Ethan know they were okay. While they havent forgiven him, they wanted to try and move on. He was their dad, and while that doesnt give him a pass for what he did, they love him.

Noah, always looking up to Connor, followed in his big brothers steps and decided he didnt want to talk to Ethan at all. The only times Ethan managed to get Noah on the phone was when you forced him to because while Ethan hurt you, you werent going to cut him off from his own children as much as you might have wanted to. The few conversations he had with his son were short and to the point. Simple answers, he wouldnt talk about anything and Noah always kept the calls under five minutes, almost as if he had a timer running in the background and the dial tone was the alarm that let Ethan know his time was up.

Elise was the only one who would talk to him. She knew something was wrong, she knew he cheated but she didnt completely understand it and what it meant. She knew you were upset with Ethan but she only saw it as another fight that the two of you had and that you would all be okay once everyone said sorry. She missed her dad. She told you as much and she asked when you would be going back home.

And then there was you. You were trying to figure out what all of this meant for you. The relationship you had with Ethan was ruined, you knew that much for sure. But were you going to go back to New Jersey? Still live with the man who cheated on you in your own house? In your own bed? Part of you wanted to try and fix this, if not for you then for your kids. But was this something that could be fixed? You didnt think this was.

At first you were hurt when you found out. Why would your husband do this? Why would he go out and cheat repeatedly while you were home and suspected nothing? Was it something that you did that drove him to this other woman? Was it because you lost the baby? It was something that you two had argued about before and according to Ethan, the timeline matched up.

But the more you thought about it, while you were still hurt, you were angry now. None of this was your fault. You were not responsible for your cheating husband under any circumstances. He made his own choices freely and that wasnt on you. He was the one who messed up and ruined what you two had. Once you had realized all of this you were finally able to start moving on.

You still wanted answers from Ethan, but the answers wouldnt change anything. Your marriage was over, but hearing his explanation would help give you the closure you needed.  

It was now August and the kids would be starting school in a few weeks so it was time to head back to Jersey. The twins had decided to do online school, not wanting to deal with their classmates and you respected that choice. You felt they were old enough to make that choice for themselves. You had asked Noah if he wanted to do the same but he was very much against it because that meant he would be home more often with Ethan and he would much rather deal with kids at school then spend more time with his cheating father. Lizzy however was excited to go back to school because that meant she got to see her friends again and spend time with her dad who she hasnt seen all summer.

You had already talked to Grayson about picking you up from the airport and taking the kids with him for a few hours. You wanted to be able to talk to Ethan alone first without the kids being there in case things got heated between you two. They didnt need to listen to the possible yelling. And Grayson was more than happy to get to spend some time with his niece and nephew.  He dropped you off with all the luggage back at the house you shared with Ethan and left with the kids.

You took a breath and dragged the bags up the porch and into the house and left them by the stairs. The kids could use unpacking as an excuse not to talk to Ethan if they wanted to. You were debating about where to take your things when Ethan came in from the living room.

“Hey,” he said hesitantly.

“Hi,” you didnt know what else to say.

“I, uh, I moved to one of the guest rooms so you can take our room,” Ethan rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“No, I’ll take one of the rooms.” There was no way you were willingly sleeping in the same bed he had sex with that girl in. He made his bed, now he can lay in it. Literally.

Ethan seemed to have come to the same realization and simply nodded.

“You cut your hair,” he motioned to your hair that was now just above your shoulders.

“Yeah, heard you had a thing for girls with long hair,” you replied and pushed your hair back behind your ear, not seeing him flinch at your words. Your long hair had reminded you of the girl with waist long hair he cheated with and you cut yours as soon as you could.

“Y/n,” you could see the pain in his eyes at your remark. Good. He had no right to be the one who hurt.  

“What?” What was there to say?

“Are we seriously going to start this now?” He has gone from apologetic to now annoyed.

“I’m not starting anything, you did that when you couldn’t keep it in your pants,” you pointed out.

“Y/n, I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry I cheated, it was a mistake.”

“A mistake? Ethan, a mistake is putting a red shirt with the white clothes. A mistake is forgetting to pick up something from the store.  A mistake is something you can forgive. A mistake is an accident. You don’t accidentally have sex with someone over and over again. You did that knowing what the consequences would be and you did it anyway! You don’t get to stand there and tell me this was a mistake!” You were shouting at this point but you didn’t care.

“You know the sad thing is that maybe, just maybe, I could have forgiven the first time. Maybe it would have been something we could fix. But this? This is so broken there’s nothing left to fix.”

“No, no, we can work through this. We can, I don’t know, go to counseling or something, but Y/n please,” he wasn’t going to let this end. He couldn’t.

“I want a divorce.” You said simply and took out the folder of documents that had to be signed.

“Y/n,” he said quietly.

“Please don’t fight me on this. After what you put me through it’s the least you can give me. Don’t make this harder than it has to be. We don’t need to waste money on lawyers. Sign it and we can move on.” You held out the folder to him.

“I’m not going to sign that,” he took a step back from the offending papers.

“Ethan please.”

“No.”

“Why not? Ethan this marriage is over. There’s nothing left here, not after this. You clearly didn’t care about us when you decided to cheat on me so just sign the damn papers!” You shoved the folder to his chest only for it to fall to the ground when he failed to catch it.

“No! Because once I sign this that means we’re done. That means that you’re gone and I’ll have nothing left! I’ll lose you completely and call me selfish but I don’t want that! I want to fix this Y/n, please.” Ethan looked close to tears at this point. He knew he fucked up but he didn’t think you would bring up divorce this soon and he definitely wasn’t expecting you to have the papers with you as soon as you came home.

“Well I don’t! Would you forgive me if I had an affair? If I slept with someone I worked with over and over again? If I went public about it before I told you? If I brought this person into our bed for over a year?”

Silence.

“I didn’t think so. And I wouldn’t expect you to forgive something like that. So please don’t ask the same of me.” You pleaded with him.

“You expect me not to fight for my family? Y/n, you and the kids are my whole world. And I’m so sorry that I fucked it all up. But if you think I’m going to just let you walk out of my life without a fight you’re wrong.”

You let out a deep breath and walked over to the couch closest to you and sat down. Ethan moved to sit across from you, still leaving the folder on the floor. A small part of you wondered if his mistress sat on this same couch that your kids would spend hours on or if he kept her limited to your bed.

“Ethan I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. I’m not gonna change my mind on this so please don’t drag it out longer than it needs to be. I appreciate that you want to fight for this relationship but it’s useless. I’m sorry but I am not going to sit here and let you think there’s a chance of forgetting what happened because there’s not.” Why give him a flicker of hope when there was none?

“So what? You’re just gonna go? Take the kids with you? They’re my kids too.” If Ethan couldn’t fight for you anymore there wasn’t a chance in hell he wasn’t going to fight for his children.

“I never said I was leaving. Or that I was going to take them. Despite all of this, I don’t want to split up this family. The kids don’t deserve that and as their mother it’s my job to take care of them regardless of what happened and how I feel. They come first. Always.” You could be civil with Ethan but things were never going to be the same.

“I would still live here, in another room obviously. Think of it as having a roommate who you just happen to be raising children with.”

“You’ve thought it through havent you?” You could see the defeat starting to take over his features.

“I have.” You nodded. “We’ve all been through enough. We don’t need more change. And if this is something we can’t live with, we cross that bridge when we get to it and figure out what to do then. I don’t want to split up this family if I don’t have to, but Ethan I need you to sign the papers. I can’t let myself be legally bound to you after all of this. I just can’t.”

Ethan seemed to accept this. He didn’t look thrilled about it but he seemed to understand.

“I still want a lawyer to go over it before I sign it,” he said it so quietly you almost didn’t hear him.

“Of course. Thank you,” you were glad he was agreeing to it.

You got up to go into one of the guest rooms that would now be yours when you heard him call your name.

“Y/n?”

“Hm?” You stopped and turned.

“Are we ever going to be okay?” He looked up at you from where he still sat on the couch.

Would you? You hadn’t really thought that far ahead about the situation.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I hope we can eventually, for what it’s worth. But it’s going to take time.”

Ethan simply nodded at your response.

You grabbed your luggage from where you left it at the stairs and dragged it off to your new room. Everything might still be broken but that’s all it is. Broken. It can be fixed over time but the scars and cracks will always be there. Only time will make this whole thing fade away.

@pgm-dolan @dolandolll @dolanshellyes @mysecretsaremydemons @mmmmmgd @ethandolxns @dolantwinsfavss@knee-deep-in-feels @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday  @sarcasm-at-its-finest2444 @fandomsfeministsandothershit @graydolan12 @ilsolee @inlovewithethandolan @someonedoingnothing @vintagebitttch @sunshinedolantwins @chonisberonica @ardordolan @ethantasy @wasabisama331 @graysavant @atlas-of-a-human-soul @wolfpuppii009 @livexdolan if you wanna be added/want me to stop tagging you just let me know

also pls comment/like/reblog it makes me feel better about myself and gives the validation i desperately crave thank you 

[strawberryspeachy]

So on the last day of july i went clubbing

Almost immediately met a cute boy and he asked me to go to a hotel with him. I debated but ultimately went with him. He asked if i wanted to go on a date because fucking japanese assholes equate date with hotel.

Went. Hooked up. Then. He said he wanted to go back to the club because otherwise “it would be a waste of his night”

Yeah

So... went back.... watched him look for another girl. And felt like shit

Eventually a boy that was ok looking talked to me. I didnt ignore him and he got excited over me talking to him after having ignored other boys. I didnt intend to continue talking to him but he was so excited the entire time and was nice so i just stayed with him.

We left together and sat on some sidewalk and talked. I saw that both his arms had cut marks all over them

And as a fucked up person... i stupidly think that other fucked up people will be as empathetic as i try to be and my depressed friends back home

He told me some of his shitty homelife - apparently he doesnt have parents

He asked me to go to a hotel with him and i said no... so we went to eat instead...

He kept being overly nice (in words) told me that he works at an old folks home and that he wants to learn english and come to america and help me take care of my mom.... in a sudden way

Rationally im not stupid and know that was a line. But im pretty stupid in general

He kept asking me to be his gf and i told him id need to go on a date with him to decide that

I just wanted to say no but...

He didnt pay for my meal - ya im one of those girls that that bothers

We seperated and he continued to text my the next few days. We set up a date. He asked me to go to him in yokohama - an hour away from tokyo

Since id never been there i said yes. But this meant i had to pay an expensive train ticket

He did pay for dinner and afterwards convience store for me... mostly... asking if i had change

He wanted to drink at the pier and insisted i get a drink but didnt pay for it

And then took me back to his apartment

It ended up being fun

The next morning while he was showering i was just poking around at his stuff. Not actually looking for anything just curious about the things he has

I looked at his wallet (honestly to see the design but i also always wonder why japanese guys are so comfortable leaving money around who is generally a stranger)

And then. I found. Picture from a photobooth. Him amd soem girl. It was dated from a week before.

He told me the night we met that he broke up with his ex a year ago. But this picture looked very much like a couple

I asked him about it and he just said sorry and threw it in the trash (not a real trash. It could easily be taken out) he said it was from a year ago

After. Bit i took it out amd pointed at the date. He literally hummed and refused to comment ...but he told me hell only see me...

I shouldn’t take that as enough but i did and told him when i got home that ill only se him too. I told him i liked him - and to this point he kept saying he likes me over and over. He has not said it since this. Just said he was happy that i used his name.

After that i went to okinawa for a few days. He told me his sim card broke and he doesnt have wifi unless he goes to a convience store (as an excuse to text slow)

I got back the next week and stayed home all week from a yeast infection that i think he gave me. When he barely responded i told him that

Then he responded continuously telling me that i just got it on my own and hes healthy so it wasnt him

That weekend i went drinking with some friends and messaged him. He responded immediately and i called him. Asking when his phone got fixed. He told me the day before

Then he told me he has pink eye and sent a picture. He said he cant go out of his house because of it

The next week was my birthday. He said hed be cured the day after and we could celebrate. Then he cancelled saying the doc told him hes still contagious

A few days after he sent me a picture of him with makeup on and contacts in saying he went to the salan. I responded immediately asking if he was still contagious and tried to call. He ignored me

I tried to call more throughout the day

Nothing

Over 24 hours pased so i used another account to say hi to him. After 2 hours he responded to the fake account asking who it was

And i flipped the fuck out. I told him a bunch of reasons why he sucked and that he did and fuck him

Then he responded to me with long messages. Many of which i couldnt understand (hes used incorrect kanji before that which makes translation strained)

His excuse was that he felt sick and slept for 20 hours (but he ignored me for over 27)and that he wanted to answer his texts in order. That he doesnt look at him phone much and then got mad at me for not being worried about him and instead getting mad

He didnt addresss any of my complaints like the fact that if im his gf i should be a priority

But because im a sucked i felt bad for trying to hurt him and apologized.... he said hed forgive me if i buy him an accessory next time we hung out...

Yeah. Red flags. I too if i had other options... would have said. Thats a weird way to accept an apology.

Also before (on that first date) when we talked about our bdays cause his was a bit before mine. I asked him what hed wanna do as a late celebration. He immediately told me he wanted yakiniku (an expensive meat meal) and clothes or accessorys from an expensive brand he likes...

So he continued to take over 24 hours to reply to me. With very small responces - he never asks me questions. I asked him to call the night before i went camping and he said he couldnt because he was too drunk from drinking with friends. I went camping and came back and got him on the phone. I demanded him to call and he said he couldnt cause he was tired from work and would the following day

I told him it makes me upset that he doesnt talk to me and that i constantly dont feel good because of him. He just said sorrry. I planned to say this is over if he didnt agree to meet me. But he agreed to a date the coming sunday... the day before i began work again. He said hed come to tokyo and and had a plan. It sounded fun.

Well come sunday morning.... he cancelled. He said he didnt have money. I tried to call him several times and he ignored me.

I confronted him in person. He got mad at me for it. Said he got some sort debt collection and got frauded... someone used his name to take out money and he has to pay court. He said he doesnt have money because of it.

I asked why he never tells me whats going on with him (because im dumb and beleive this... actually i dont. I hope hes being honestly and just has really bad luck but)

This time like last time i told him the way he treats me is how really awful boys who are using me and playing with me treat me. And i cant trust him if hes like this but doesnt tell me why

Well...i was there... i offered to pay for out date.... besides the 11 dollars it takes to get to him

He asked me to put 5 dollars on his train card.... it takes 3 dollads to get to and from where we went. He... mad sure no matter where we would eat it would cost 40 bucks - wanting to drink alc and such. It costed 43 dollars. He wanted starbucks but i kinda said no by saying i dont rlly like starbucks - but he still wanted to get a dessert - 3 dollars

And... he wanted me to buy him that aftermentioned accessory... a ring. He looked at very expensive ones... i... would not have paid for even as stupid as i am.. the one he got was 15 or 25 I forget which...

The thing is... if he wasnt actually... if i wasn’t comfortable being with him i woulda stopped this before... unfortunately. As usual. Despite initially not being attracted to him i really enjoyed his company and find him to be fun...

He said that we should go home at 8 i asked about going back to him place and he said no because hes tired and has work the next day. He knows i also do too. At the same time. And i tried to convince him and he kept saying no. Then i asked doesnt he wanna have sex. He said that we should go to a hotel. And i protested that hotels are expensive and his apartments free and just a cheap train station away. He said hes too tired and just wants to sleep at his apartment but hotels are exciting so hed be awake at a hotel.

He pushed them and i said at that point id be spending like 100 dollars on the day and he knows i also dont have a lot of money.

We awkwardly went to a manga cafe that was only 5 dollars but it wanted you to make a card that costs 5 more dollads. And then i got fussy because too much stress literally makes me lose control of my emotions.

It fucking sucks and i hate it. I have no fucking control over my emotions when my stress is bubbling (which it almost always is) and boils over.

I asked him if he can even pay just the 5 dollars and he said he has no money. I asked how hes gonna get to work with literally no money and he said his conpany pays for it (yea japanese conpanies pay AFTER you go )

We left. It was a bad mood. He didnt storm away from me even though i was basically crying in the street (i have had this happen with even friends. I start crying and they just walk away so even though it should be expected of someone claiming to be your bf... ya)

Anyhow i told him i just wanted to cuddle and talk and kiss

He looked annoyed but i guess he thought those wants were cute and looked for a isolated place

Because were in japan

Couldnt find one cause we were in a city and he again just started saying lets go home. That hes tired and not in the mood.

But we were in a quiet enough play.

And im bitching here but ill take a quick break to say i kept hugging him and stuff which he liked despite saying he was really embarrassed

He told me ealier ok that because of this debt thing hes gonna work two jobs

Which. Terrified me. The first guy I went on a date with in Japan asked me to be his gf and to move in with him and said he had to work two jobs for a month to afford to move so he wouldnt have time to see me. He told me his progress for two weeks and then ghosted me.

This boy told me hell make time to see me when i complained about not doing anything physical when i wouldnt see him again for who knows how long

Welp. Todays saturday and that was sunday. And while at first i thought he was trying because he replied to my messages in or at 24 hours for a few days. Its gone back to the 17 hours

And i asked him to talk on the phone

And he just said not tonight because after his current job hes working at home too

And because im dumb ive waisted my whole saturday waiting for him to reply and crying.

[1dffchallenges]

Not a Throwback

Written By: @fireawaynjh​

Characters: Sophie Kemper (OFC)/Niall Horan

Summary: Parenting is hard, anyone will tell you. But being a single parent is even harder. Niall loves his son more than the world and he would do anything to make him happy. But he soon discovers the sacrifices he will have to make. Dating his son’s teacher isn’t always the easiest. But can he make it work? Or will he have to sacrifice his own happiness this time?

Author’s note: pls excuse my terrible graphics also I changed my banner because i like to think I got better at photoshop; i did not

Warnings: mentions of drugs, alcohol, mild swearing

2012

Niall closed his laptop as the text from his girlfriend popped into the corner. He walked down the stairs to let her in with his usual smile. The smile faded upon seeing her dismayed look.

“Something wrong love?” he asked, stepping aside to let her in. Her arms sat folded across her chest as she walked in quickly. Niall grew increasingly more worried with every second she stayed silent.

“Babe what’s-”

“I’m pregnant.”

Niall stood in shock for a moment. His mind immediately thought about the fact that in a month he was supposed to leave for uni. He couldn’t work and study and be a father, that would be insane. He could see in her eyes that she was just as worried as he was. With a soft sigh he opened his arms and drew her close to him.

“How do you feel?” he asked as she pressed her nose to his chest. He could feel her shoulders shrug up.

“Alright I guess. I know I want to keep it.” Trying to keep the shock off his face, Niall nodded. She’d never wanted children before. It surprised him that she’d want to keep it.

“How long have you known?” he asked.

“Three days,” she whispered. He nodded gently as he rubbed soothing circles over her back.

“You have my support no matter what Carls,” he assured her. He felt guilty for secretly hoping she wouldn’t keep it. He wasn’t ready to be a father and she never wanted to be a mother. It was stupid of them to think that this was a good idea. Of course Niall would never say any of that to her. He meant it when he said he’d support her. He loved her, he knew that for sure, and if she were to keep this baby, he knew he’d love it too.

The months went by and in early March of the next year the couple welcomed their son Killian. Niall found a job working at the tech shop, selling smartphones and tablets while he attended his first year of Uni. He switched his studies from music theory to applied business and began putting money away so he could support his new family.

The nine months had been hard and they’d battled their fair share of arguments. But Niall truthfully was happier than he ever could have imagined. He didn’t know why Carlie was so worried about having kids, already she was an incredible mum. He’d soon find that he didn’t know her well at all.

2017

Niall gripped the edge of the podium, refraining from chewing at his nails, as he stood in front of the judge.

“Mr. Horan you had no idea about the drugs?”

“No Your Honor.” he stated plainly. The past two months had been a haze. Carlie, his now fiance had been arrested for using and selling heroin as well as selling every other drug under the sun.

“You didn’t notice the change in your fiance?”

“I did Your Honor, I thought it was her new job and stress from taking care of a toddler.” She had lost her job a year earlier, the store she worked in went out of business. She told Niall she’d found a new one, in reality she’d started selling drugs for his best mate.

“And where were you during the days if she was the only one watching your son?”

“Working Your Honor, or at Uni. Our arrangement was I would work and get my degree so I could support the family better.” The judge nodded.

“Well Mr. Horan, Miss Aldon attests that your son was never around the contraband and that you played no part. I’ll review your testimony and we will resume next week with a verdict of custody.” He smacked the gavel on the podium, the crack echoing through the room. Niall sighed as he gathered his belongings and walked out of the courtroom.

“Mr. Horan!” Niall turned as he walked out the doors to see the lawyer Carlie had hired approaching him. Niall turned to him and raised a brow. “Miss Aldon is allowed visitors now. She would like to see you.”

“Does she now?” he snapped coldly. He knew he was just the messenger but he still resented the guy for representing Carlie at all.

“I’m sorry Mr. Horan, for everything this has put you through.” Niall thanked him before walking to the elevator and heading to his car. The jail wasn’t far from the courthouse, Niall knew he should get this over with.

Carlie looked exhausted as she sat on the other side of the glass. But it looked like exhaustion from worry about herself. It was different than the exhaustion he’d seen rising in her since Killian was born. He knew she was relieved to be away from the responsibility and that sparked the anger in him further. He gripped the phone and scowled as he held it to his ear.

“Niall I’m so sorry-”

“Shut the fuck up Carlie no you’re not.” he growled. She flinched. He’d never spoken to her with anything less than respect. Even through fights she could always tell that he loved her and that he respected her. Now she wasn’t sure what he felt.

“Niall I never wanted this to happen,” she insisted.

“I believe that, I know you didn’t want to get caught. Why in the hell did you even start the drugs if you didn't want to get caught?”

“Niall it was a moment of weakness. I’d just lost my job, no one would hire me only three days a week.. I was desperate, I went to the pub and Alec was there. He listened.. He understood how I felt.” Carlie sighed and shook her head. Niall knew by the fondness in her voice that it was more than just drugs with Alec.

“You fucking slept with him.. You fucking slept with my best mate.” Niall let out an exasperated laugh. “Unbelievable. I fucking propose to you and what do you do? You turn around and sleep with my best mate and start dealing.”

“I didn’t think it would go this far-”

“Of course you didn’t think! If you fucking thought about it you wouldnt have done any of it and we wouldn’t fucking be here right now!” Other visitors were beginning to stare at the arguing couple.

“Stop yelling at me!” Tears began to fall down her cheeks.

“Stop yelling?!” Niall laughed again. “I could fucking lose Killian because this shit and you want me to stop yelling at you?!” Carlie’s jaw dropped. “Oh so you do care about him.”

“What? Of course I care about our son Niall.” She looked hurt at the accusation.

“But you didn’t want to parent him right? That’s why you kept taking the drugs, so you wouldn’t have to feel the stress of a toddler?” She scrambled for an excuse and Niall knew that look too well. She hated to be called out on her shit and she always fumbled for excuses. “Yeah I fucking thought so. So thanks for everything Carlie.” He moved to hang up the phone but she stopped him.

“Niall wait! You’re right okay? It was too much, but I love Killian and I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you. If you see him will you please tell him I love him?”

“Goodbye Carlie.” Niall hung up the phone and walked back out the door. His heart ached as he got back in his car. All he wanted right now was to hold his son. Fear of losing him only worsened the ache and he thought about going to his mother’s house to see him but the social worker warned that it was best for his case that he not see Killian until the verdict was given. Instead he drove to the pub, in desperate need of a drink.

He ordered his double vodka soda and stared at the carbonated bubbles rising in the glass.

“Tough day mate?”

Niall set his jaw, not looking away from the glass. “Get the fuck out of here Alec before I beat the shit out of you.”

“Niall mate-” Niall turned to look at him.

“Don’t you try to explain yourself to me. I was gonna ask you to be me best man y’know that?” Alec swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing. Niall wanted nothing more than to punch it right now. “I don’t want to speak to you again, please go.” Alec didn’t argue and turned to walk out the door. Niall tossed back the entire drink and set the glass back down.

“Another please.”

2025

“Killian mate it’s time to get up!” Niall called from the opposite end of the apartment. The 12 year old groaned and shoved his head further into the pillow.

“Oi! I know you’re not up yet! C’mon i’ve pressed your uniform so you could sleep more now y’gotta get up so we can go.” Niall called again. Killian threw back the covers in annoyance and got up off the bed.

“I’m standin Da!”

“Good lad.” Niall finished wrapping the ham sandwich he’d thrown together, one for Killian and one for himself, putting Killian’s into the paper bag with a packet of crisps and some biscuits for his lunch. He put back the bread and mayo as his son came down the stairs in his uniform. The spoon Niall had laid next to a full cereal bowl quickly made its way to Killian’s mouth as he shoveled coco pops down.

“How’d y’sleep mate?” Niall asked as he poured coffee into his thermos. Killian shrugged and kept shoveling food into his mouth. Niall nodded knowing that was all he was going to get out of his son this early, finishing up his coffee before screwing on the lid and handing the brown lunch bag to Killian.

“Y’got your list of classes for today?” Niall asked. Killian rinsed out his bowl in the sink and nodded.

“It’s in me sack Da’ stop naggin me”

“I’m just checkin, not gonna be able to bring y’stuff if you forget this year.” Niall had just gotten a promotion at the firm he worked for. Before he’d worked from home settling all the accounts for the company but now he was on site working with the payroll side of the company. The pay was much better, even if the hours were complicated.

With in a few minutes Killian managed to finish off his breakfast and the two headed out to the car. Niall quickly pulled out of the drive and made his way down the street.

“Right what’s your plan for after school? Are you gonna go to Nan’s or what?” Niall asked.

Killian shrugged. “Dunno, James might be havin a few of us over or somethin.”

Niall nodded. “Just text me what time and where I need to pick you up yeah?” Killian nodded and the drive continued in silence. Niall pulled up out front of the school and Killian hopped out.

“Thanks Da! See you tonight.” Niall waved as his son jogged up the front steps. He couldn’t believe he was already a year eight. The time was flying by and Niall wasn’t sure how to feel.

The weeks continued with the same routine. Breakfast, work and school, home for dinner and whatever sporting match was on that night. On the Thursday of the fourth week Niall sat in the kitchen, looking at his calendar while he ate his breakfast. That night was parent teacher information night. He hadn’t called for a sitter and he wasn’t sure what he should do. Did Killian even need a sitter? He could always ask his mum to watch him. He glanced up at Killian as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bowl for some cereal.

“Y’alright?” Niall asked. Killian nodded as he poured the milk. “I’ve got your teacher night thing, d’you want to stay here or go to Nan’s?” Niall figured giving him the choice might help his decision process. Killian had never stayed on his own, but it was only a few hours and he was definitely old enough to take care of himself.

“Don’t matter to me,” Killian shrugged. Niall nodded.

“Right then I’ll just let Nan know you’ll be here and you can call her if y’need anything.” Killian nodded again and sat down to eat.

That night Niall anxiously searched for his keys while Killian finished his homework.

“Da I’ll be fine, the pizza is coming, you left me money just go.” It amazed him how perceptive he’d become. Niall nodded to his son and grabbed his keys off the table where they had been sitting in plain sight.

“Alright, alright. Call your nan if y’need anythin.” Niall grabbed his coat and darted out of the small apartment. He arrived at the school 20 minutes early but after an incident getting lost last year he knew he should allow for extra time. Fortunately, Killian’s registration room was across the hall from the room he had in year seven and Niall had no troubles finding it. He gingerly pushed the door open, not sure if anyone was in there, and a small brunette popped her head up. 

“Oh hello! Are you hear for parent night?” she asked, rising from her chair. Niall was surprised to see such a young woman seated at the front of the room. She couldn’t have been more the 26. As he nodded she walked around to the front of the desk with a bright smile, her dark hair bouncing softly as she stepped. Niall wasn’t used to seeing such a vibrant teacher, let alone a beautiful one. He returned her smile as he stepped forward as well. 

“I’m Niall, I’m sorry I’m a bit early, last year I got turned around.” A bashful chuckle pushed past his lips and he glanced at the ground shyly. 

“That’s quite alright. I’m Sophie Kemper. I’m guessing you’re Killian’s dad?” Niall raised a brow, worrying about how she was so familiar with his son already. “He looks just like you.” He let out a breathy chuckle as she explained. 

“Yeah we do get that a lot, I hope he isn’t given y’trouble in class,” he replied easily, folding his arms over his chest anxiously. He hadn’t spoken to a woman his age in a decade. Not one he wasn’t related to at least. He wasn’t sure what to do. 

“Oh no he’s great,” she smiled. “He’s a really lovely kid.” Sophie couldn’t deny the fluttering in the pit of her stomach as she spoke to Niall. He was much younger than the other dads she was used to talking to and he was far more attractive. She tucked her hair back shyly as she looked over at him. “Is anyone else joining you tonight?” She felt another flutter as Niall shook his head. 

“No, it’s just me.” Niall wondered if she was asking because she was the teacher or if she might possibly fancy him. “His uh.. his mum isn’t involved.” 

“I see well you’ve done a lovely job raising him, he’s truly a gem.” Niall smiled proudly at her compliment, figuring she was asking as the teacher. Niall was about to ask her another question when more parents walked in. Sophie walked up to them and shook their hands, introducing herself as Miss Kemper. Niall didn’t miss that part. Had he just caught her off guard and she forgot that she was a teacher? Or had she done it on purpose? He was pulled from his mental debate as one of the dads walked over to him. 

“Niall mate! Y’alright?” he smiled shaking Niall’s hand. His son and Killian were mates and he’s been more than welcoming to Niall. 

“Yeah doin’ well, yourself?” Niall replied. 

“Bloody brilliant mate, got all four kids in school full time now.” 

“Bet the missus is lovin that.” The two men smirked at each other. 

“That she is… speakin of, have you caught a look at Miss Kemper? Bloody well fit she is.” 

Niall chuckled. “Yeah she’s lovely, had a bit of a chat when I got here.” 

“Oi oi! Good on y’mate, get on that.” 

“She’s our kids teacher mate that’s fuckin’ weird,” Niall laughed. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake its only registration, go after ‘er mate she’s the fittest bird in this town.”

Niall was grateful for Sophie calling for all the parents to sit. He wasn’t wrong, Sophie was definitely the most beautiful woman he’d seen around the town. But she was his son’s teacher and that added all sorts of complications. Sophie gave a great presentation about how she would help the students be successful. It was clear she loved teaching and she was passionate about her students. Niall loved that about her.

He made his way to all the other classes before heading to the caf for the final discussion of the night. As usual the headmaster explains how parent volunteering works and why it’s so important for the kids. He knew the drill, sign up for the least time committing one before all the other parents get there. He grabbed a cup of coffee and wandered up and down the stalls of sign up sheets. He walked past a bright red poster advertising the pasta feed auction. He could help with that. It was coming up in a few months and he wouldn’t have to help much. 

“You helping with the auction then?” Niall jumped as he heard Sophie’s voice. 

“Oh um.. yeah I figured that would mostly be nights right?” Sophie nodded. 

“Yeah, I’m on the committee for it too, thought maybe my marketing degree my come in handy for once.” She giggled as Niall finished signing his name. 

“Y’studied marketing then? How’d you get into teaching?” 

She shrugged. “None of the big firms were hiring so I got my teaching certification.” Niall nodded. 

“Well that’s brilliant. If y’need any help with it let me know.” Sophie smiled and nodded shyly. “I um.. I was going to grab another coffee, do you want one?” he offered. She nodded and the two headed to the refreshment table. Niall Poured a cup for both of them, Sophie adding both cream and sugar to hers. A grimace flashed across her lips as she took the first sip. 

“I can’t believe I thought they’d actually get good coffee for this.” She shook her head but continued to drink in the caffeine. 

“Honestly, they could have at least gotten a Costa or something,” Niall agreed. 

“Exactly! Maybe sometime we could just go get a Costa.” She quickly realized what she’d just said. “Or not whatever, that’s probably weird-“

“No I’d love to, maybe next week?” Niall smiled as he pulled out his phone. “Put in your mobile and we can set something up?” Sophie beamed and took the device, quickly typing in her number. 

Niall returned home with the biggest smile. Killian was still awake not to his surprise. 

“Oi, y’didn’t tell me about all the ruckus you’ve causin at school.” 

Killian rolled his eyes at his dad’s joke knowing that he was just joking. He clicked off the iPad and turned to his dad.

“Can we watch the football?” 

“Yeah course we can mate, why d’y’think I’m here and not down the pub with Uncle Willie?” 

“Cause Uncle Willie never invites y’anywhere.” 

Niall chuckled. The kid had wit about him that was for sure. He sat down on the sofa and draped his arm over the back of it, clicking over to sky sports. Normally he watched every second of the match but tonight all he could think about was how heavy his phone felt in his pocket. He knew he was mere sentences away from getting to go out with a girl he fancied, he just had to grab the device and text her. But he thought about Killian. He had never dated since he was born, he didn’t know how Killian would react. But if he kept it to himself then it wouldn’t have to be an issue yet. 

Once he was all tucked away into bed Niall hastily reached for his phone. He pulled up Sophie’s contact and quickly typed the message he’d been formulating for the last hour. 

Hey it’s Niall… thought maybe next Saturday we could go for that Costa ?

He tapped his foot nervously as he stood in the kitchen, awaiting the response. In a minute nothing had come through and his anxiety was rising. With a sigh he tossed down the phone and walked to the fridge to grab himself a beer. The standard chime sent him diving for the device and scrolling to read the message. 

Yeah that’s perfect, meet at 10 ? 

Yeah that’s perfect see you then ! 

He breathed out a sigh of relief as he set down his phone again and took a long sip of his beer. 

That Saturday came faster than he expected and with Killian staying at a friend’s house for the weekend he had the whole apartment to absorb his nerves. He tossed on about ten different shirts before settling on a black polo and some grey slacks. He knew he was a tad overdressed but he’d rather look nice for Sophie. 

Once he arrived he got in the queue and looked around for Sophie. He was four minutes early, hoping that she arrived soon so he wouldn’t be awkwardly waiting for her. AS he took a step forward in line the door behind him opened and he turned to see who was there. He smiled as Sophie stepped through the door in a beautiful green dress that Niall couldn’t take his eyes off. He stepped toward her and gave her a polite hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

“Hiya love how are ya?” he greeted easily. 

“I’m good! I’m glad we get to do this.” Her smile was radiant, and Niall couldn’t stop himself from smiling more. They stood together as the line moved forward and as they reached the till Niall looked over at her. 

“What would you like?” he asked with a smile. 

“I’ll take a latte please,” Sophie smiled. She reached for her purse but Niall shook his head, ordering himself a latte before paying for both drinks. 

“Thank you for buying,” she smiled. Niall shrugged easily. 

“S’nothin, so how was your week? School not drivin y’mad?”

“No it never does, not yet at least.” 

“How long have you been teaching?” 

“This is my third year.” She smiled up at him as the barista handed over their drinks. “What do you do?”

“Nothin exciting really, I’m in the pay roll side of accounting at a firm down town.” 

“Well that’s interesting,” she giggled. Niall chuckled knowing full well she just wanted to be polite. 

“We both know it’s not.”

Sophie smiled kindly. “So what do you want to be doing?” 

“I wanted to do music, I was set in a program at Uni for music technology but when I found out Killian was on the way I had to do something more practical y’know?” Sophie nodded. 

“Do you play instruments?”

“Piano and guitar mostly,” Niall replied easily. 

“My mum would have loved for me to be a musician, she had me in cello lessons as a kid but I was honestly horrible at it.” Niall laughed happily. 

“I doubt you were horrible.” 

“No I was, y’know in the films when the kid gets their first violin and it sounds like a dying animal?” Niall laughed harder knowing that she played like that. 

“I’ll have to tech ya something easier and less horrible sounding,” he chuckled. Sophie flushed at the implication of further dates in the future. 

“I’d like that,” she smiled. They spent the rest of the morning chatting about jobs and getting to know each other. Niall desperately wanted to kiss her as they walked back to her car, but the moment didn’t feel right, so he simply hugged her and walked to his own car. 

Killian texted as Niall pulled into the apartment parking lot, saying he was headed home. He had just kicked off his shoes and tossed down his keys when he heard Killian bounding up the stairs, having walked across the complex from his friend’s house. Niall walked into the kitchen to grab some water as the door opened. 

“Hey mate how was it?” he asked, sipping the water easily. 

“Good, Collin has the new xbox.” 

“Sick, did y’like it?” Killian nodded and grabbed juice from the fridge. 

“Yeah it was cool, why are y’dressed up?” 

“What?” Niall frowned as he set the water glass down.

“‘Y’never wear your work clothes on Saturday and y’ve got on the good cologne.” 

Niall shrugged. “I met a friend for a coffee, that a problem?” 

Killian sipped his juice. “Was it a date?” Niall mentally cursed the child’s intuition. 

“So what if it was?” He cocked one brow testing to see how he handled the news. 

“That’s weird da you’re too old to date.” 

“Oi I’m younger than any of the other parents thank y’very much.” 

“It’s not a mum from the school is it? I don’t want a sibling.” Killian continued. Niall shook his head with a chuckle. 

“It’s not another mum mate, and it wasn’t really a date it was just a coffee.” 

“What’s her name?”

“Sophie.” Niall folded his arms and leaned back against the counter. 

“Are you gonna see her again?” Killian looked up with a tint of anxiety in his eyes. Niall knew the look well, he got like this any time there was a doctor’s appointment that could involve a vaccine or blood test.

“I was thinking about it… but if it bothers you that I date I don’t have to ask her out again.” 

Killian shrugged and put his empty juice cup into the sink. “I guess it would be alright.” Niall could tell he was on the fence. 

“Mate we talked about this, you can talk about how y’really feel I’m not gonna be mad.” Killian nodded but didn’t offer up any further discussion. “Let’s go sit yeah? Have a little chat.” The pair made their way to the sofa and sat down next to each other. 

“What’s on your mind then mate?”

“I just don’t know why you’re dating… you always said you loved mum.” He looked down at his lap. “I just thought you two would work it out one day and she could come home.” Niall’s heart ached at the confession. He’d kept the real reason why Carlie left a secret, wanting to wait until he was old enough to understand what had happened. 

“It’s not that simple mate I-“ 

“But why not? Why can’t you fix things with her?” 

“Because…” Niall was at a loss for words. Should he tell him? Should he lie? Should he tell him because he said so? He took a deep breath. “Mate y’have to understand there are circumstances to why she can’t come back. I do love your mum but she can’t come home.” He took another deep breath. “If you want the details I will tell you but it’s not something simple like a disagreement. And I don’t want to scare you.” 

“I’m 13 da I can handle it.” Niall smiled softly and wrapped an arm around him. 

“I know you can,” Niall pressed a soft protective kiss to the top of his head, mentally preparing himself. “You know that your mum and I were eighteen when you were born. We were so excited to bring you home and to have you in our little family. I finished Uni and worked while your mum took care of you at home. As you got older she’d leave you with nan so she could work too but when you were 3 her business shut down and she had no job.” Killian nodded softly as his father told the story. Niall paused to gauge his reactions before continuing. 

“She was devastated and rightfully so, soon she was back to work with a new job but she was constantly on edge and a little more irritable. I thought it was the stress of the job and taking care of a wild three year old. I got a job at the firm and it allowed me to work half days at home, half at the office. I wanted to take some pressure off of her and for a few months it did, and then one day I came home from work and there were police cars out front. It turns out that her new job was selling illegal drugs.” He noticed Killian’s eyes go wide in shock. “She loved you so much but she made mistake and because of that she lost you. She had to serve a jail sentence and when she got out she wanted to see you, but I could tell she had gotten back into when I went to go meet her. After that I told her she wouldn’t get to see you again. Last I heard she’s serving another sentence.” 

Killian sat silently, thinking about all the times he had imagined how happy they could be if she came home. He’d spent hours pouring over photos of their family and he had always wished to have that back. 

“Did you mean it when you said I couldn’t see her?” he asked after a long pause. 

“I meant it yes, that I would never choose for you to see her. But you’re close to being an adult, you can make your own choices now. And if you wanted to see her I can look into it.” Niall replied easily. He hated the idea of ever seeing Carlie again, but he had no right to stop his son from meeting her if it’s what he wanted. 

“Okay… so you don’t love her anymore?” 

“Mate I will always love her, but I can’t rely on her anymore or trust her.” Killian nodded. “So can I ask you again, is it weird if I date?” 

His son shrugged but the sadness in his eyes told Niall his answer. “I guess it’s not weird.” But he knew better, he knew Killian only wanted him to be happy, he nodded with a soft smile. 

“Come here,” he said softly as he held his arms open to hug him. “I love you, always will, and I’m always here for ya.” 

“I know Da, I love you too.” Niall released him from the embrace and Killian made his way to his bedroom. Once he’d cleaned up the kitchen and stuff Niall started on dinner, reaching for his phone to put on some music. He smiled to himself when he saw a new text from Sophie. 

I had such a great time today, what are the chances I get to see you again? 

Niall sighed deeply. He knew he could try harder and be secretive about his dating, but that wouldn’t be fair to Killian. 

I had an amazing time too, truly . I would love to see you again but things are really complicated right now with Killian I don’t think it’s a good time for me to be dating. 

She was quick to reply, the two letters sending his heart into his stomach. 

Oh

Sophie I’m so sorry, I hope you can understand I have to do what’s best for him

No I get it, maybe some other time then

I’d really like that ☺

Truthfully Sophie’s heart was in pieces. It had been years since she’d met someone she liked as much as Niall. Part of her feared the worst, that he didn’t have a good time and this was his way of not seeing her again. She didn’t think Niall was the type to do that, but then again she didn’t really know Niall. 

Weeks went by before Niall saw her again. He went to the school to help plan the auction and a smile crossed his lips the minute he saw her. She stood by the window waiting for everyone to find a seat, smiling as a few others bid her hello. Niall immediately walked over to her. 

“Hey…How are you?” he asked politely. 

“I’m fine.” Her tone was cold and unfeeling, something Niall hadn’t expected. 

“Look I’m really sorry Sophie, you have to understand I wish we could go out again-“

“We could Niall we very easily could but you’re making it complicated.” 

“It is complicated, you don’t understand the situation.” 

Sophie opened her mouth to reply but the meeting chair called for everyone’s attention. “Just forget it Niall, I’m not interested.” She stalked off to her seat and Niall stood in shock for a moment before grabbing a seat himself. He barely paid attention the whole time, not until he heard his name called. 

“Niall are you in?” He looked up to see the co-chair of the auctions staring right at him. 

“Uh yeah sure, whatever you need I’ll help,” he replied. 

“Great, that puts us at 10 bachelors for the date auction,” she replied writing down his name on a clipboard. Niall swallowed hard not realizing what he’d just signed up for. He glanced a look across the room at Sophie. She couldn’t hide her smirk knowing he had no idea what he was saying yes to. 

Niall continued to zone out for the rest of the meeting. A smaller committee had formed but because he was an “auction item” now – the chair’s words not his – he didn’t have to attend any further meetings, which he was happy about. As everyone stood to leave Niall pushed through to find Sophie. He wanted to clear things up but she had already slipped out the door. Niall sighed softly. He let himself out and made his way to the car to drive home. 

The day of the auction came faster than he expected. He soon found himself slipping on his one nice jacket and a tie, spending a few extra minutes on his mop of hair trying desperately to calm the gentle curls it formed when he let it get this long. A few drops of gel and a comb usually helped. He told himself he wanted to look nice for the auction but he knew it was all for Sophie. He’d thought about what happened between them and he realized that she deserved to know the truth and why things were complicated. 

He arrived at the auction a few minutes early, after dropping Killian at a friend’s house, hoping to pull Sophie aside. But when he got there she was on the top of a ladder reaching to grab a stray balloon that had floated away. He strode across the room to help her and talk to her, but the co-chair caught sight of him and scurried over. 

“Niall I am so glad you’re here. There was a mix up with the form and I need you to fill out these new questions for your catwalk.” She shoved a paper and a pen at him, leading him behind the stage. 

Niall reluctantly answered the questions, talking about all his favorite romantic moments. He wanted to tear the paper to shreds for reminding him that the one person he wanted wouldn’t speak to him. He turned in the paper and waited with the other bachelors like he was told. Some of them were teachers at the school, some were former students who’d moved on to uni but come back to help, and some were other parents just trying to raise money. He had a chat with a few of them, asking about their answers to the questions and if they had any one they knew would bet on them. He grew more and more anxious as the auction began. They had a few pints for the bachelors to sip on but Niall knew if he had one it would only make him more nervous. Niall wasn’t an arrogant guy but it wasn’t a secret that he was the most conventionally attractive of the group. 

Soon they were lining up and the music blared in their ears as they got closer to the stage. A few of the other dads went before him and were getting bids of 50 or 60 pounds. One of the uni students went for 75, Niall didn’t want to think about how wrong that was. As he neared the edge of the stage one of the chairs came shuffling up to him. Holding out a guitar. 

“You said you love music I thought you could play! The music teacher assured me that it was already tuned and everything!” She beamed as Niall awkwardly took the instrument. He thought the idea was ridiculous but guitar playing was something he knew and it would give him something to focus on while he was up there. When his turn came he strummed at the guitar, the music lowering so he could be heard and he tuned it slightly as he walked across the stage. The headmaster read off his form, advertising him as a handsome sinlge man with endless talent and charm. Niall held back a laugh as he started strumming a tune he’d written as a teenager. The women in the audience were eyeing him up and down so he changed up his tune and began to play something everyone would know. 

“I found a love, for me. Darling just dive right in, follow my lead.” His voice floated over the crowd and soft gasps sounded in return. Niall scanned the room for Sophie, wondering if she was still there. He saw her at the back of the crowd, organizing a few of the silent auction items, but she’d stopped and was looking right at him. 

Truthfully Sophie was doing everything she could to not throw up from the wave of affection that coursed through her body as Niall started singing. That song had been her favorite when she was younger. Not that he knew that, but it definitely made it harder to not like him. She wanted to forget him and to move on from this little crush she had, but his smooth and rich voice overwhelmed her, and she found herself wanting nothing more than to be wrapped in his embrace, to smell him, kiss him, love him. As he finished the song the bidding began. She could see a group of moms definitely old enough to be his mother getting ready to bid. She knew he would die of embarrassment if he had to spend an evening with any of them. The amount grew higher and higher, passing 100 pounds in a matter of minutes. The bids began to slow at 125, 15 pounds higher than what the gym coach went for, a she could see the primal desire in the highest bidder’s eyes and she threw up her hand on going twice. 

“145.” Everyone turned to look at her. She wasn’t sure how it happened, but the headmaster yelled sold and everyone began clapping. 

Niall couldn’t hide his smile as he saw Sophie’s hand go up. This was his chance to apologize. Once the auction finished the men were released out into the mis to introduce themselves to the women who bid for them. Niall made a beeline for Sophie who stood by the refreshment table. She had a glass of wine in her hand and what Niall didn’t know is that it was her third since she’d bid on him. She wanted to drink away those feelings that arose. 

“Don’t worry about the date, you’re off the hook.” Her eyes moved slowly due to the alcohol and Niall swallowed. 

‘Sophie you did nearly 150 quid on me, I’m gonna take you out,” he countered. 

“Don’t want you to,” she replied as she took another sip. Niall steadied her had she sloshed the cup a little too much. 

“Then why did you bid?” 

“Cause Mrs. Wannabe-Cougar was gonna rip you to pieces if she won.” Niall smiled softly to himself. He could hear the slight hint of jealousy that carried in her voice but he didn’t acknowledge it. 

“Well then let me thank you for saving me from my impending doom,” he chuckled. “And so I can apologize for what happened the last time we went out.” 

“So you can just get up my hopes and bring them back down again?” She was being nasty and a part of her knew that but she’d had too much wine to stop herself. “I really liked you Niall and you just shut it down because it was too complicated for you. It’s not complicated, you like me or you don’t so just be honest.” 

“I do like you, I like you so much Sophie. Please just let me have a chance to make it up to you, what are you doing next Saturday?”

“Chaperoning the school dance.” 

“Great I’ll take you to dinner beforehand.”

“No.” 

“Sophie please just one chance.” 

She regretted all the wine she had. If she were sober she would have held fast, but here, looking at him and his charming smile, she couldn’t say no. 

“Fine. But you have to meet me at the dance and chaperone with me. No dinner no flowers no nothing.”

“Great, I’ll see you there.” Niall wanted to stay and talk to her more, but he’d just won a small victory, he wasn’t going to risk it now. He stayed long enough to help clean up before he went home. 

When he walked in the door he saw his mother sitting on the sofa. 

“Is everything okay? Where’s Killian?” he asked looking down the hall immediately. She got up and put her hands on his arms to calm him. 

“Shhh, he’s fine. One of the boys at the party got sick so they had everyone go home, he called me to come get him cause he knew you’d be having a good time tonight and I’d be sitting at home watching the telly,” she assured him. Niall breathed out a sigh of relief. “I swear Niall James you need to worry less. You’ll be going grey before you’re 35.” 

“Like you didn’t worry about me and Greg,” he chuckled. 

“Yeah well you lot were worth worrying about, that little boy is an angel.” 

“I know… that’s why I worry, I don’t want anything to happen to him or for him to stop liking me.” 

“Niall he’s a teenager there is going to come a time when he doesn’t like you.” She paused for a moment. “He said you went on a date.” 

“It was sort of a date yeah.” 

“Is she nice?”

“She’s brilliant mum, absolutely brilliant… but she’s one of his teachers, and I don’t think he’s ready for me to date yet.” 

“Oh bollocks he’s a boy he thinks anyone dating is weird! You remember how you and Greg were when I started dating again.” He couldn’t argue with that

“That’s true I guess. I told him about Carlie….”

“He told me, he seems to be handling it well.” She smiled. “So when are you seeing this girl again. 

“Saturday, but it’s not a date. She’s not happy with me for not asking her out again.” His mother let out a sigh already knowing how the situation must have arose.

“Niall stop letting Killian get in the way of your happiness. Being a parent doesn’t mean you give up your own life, it means you just have theirs to consider too. If you like this girl then you apologize to her and you make it bloody work.”

“But what about-“ 

“Nope, this is about you Niall. Not Carlie, not Killian, not anyone but you.” Niall hated when his mother was right. It amazed him how she could still make him feel like a kid in trouble even now at 32. He sighed and nodded. 

“Alright... I’ll talk to her. Are y’gonna stay here tonight? I can sleep on the sofa.”

“No I’ve got to head home. I love you sweetheart, take care of you too okay?” 

“I promise mum. I love you.” He hugged her goodbye before walking her to the front door. He sighed as he closed the door, leaning back against it. As his eyes closed his mind wandered to Sophie and how cute she looked when she was drunk. He stood up thinking about how drunk she was and quickly reached for his phone to text her. 

Hey, I know you had a few tonight just wanted to check that you had a way home tonight 

Thank you I did make it home . 

Glad to hear . I’ll see you Saturday then . 

He slid his phone away and made his way to his room. Within minutes he was asleep in his clothes but he truthfully didn’t care. 

The following Saturday came too fast for Niall’s liking. But he dressed in his same jacket, different shirt, and headed out the door at 7:30. It took him a minute to find Sophie But once he caught sight of her navy dress he knew there would be no way he’d lose sight of her again that night. He walked over to her with a soft smile and he was surprised when she returned it. 

“Hi,” he said softly. 

“Hi,” she replied. “You look nice.” 

“You look absolutely beautiful.” A soft flush rose to her cheeks. “Can we go somewhere and talk?” 

“I can’t leave the room,” she replied softly. “But we can talk here.” Niall nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Well I wanted to explain why-“ 

“Ms. Kemper I think some of the boys are making fun of Elizabeth,” a small girl stated, looking up at Sophie with big round eyes. Sophie nodded and turned to Niall. 

“I’ll be right back.” She followed the girl across the dance floor to settle the issue. Niall didn’t mind, she was doing her job. But the pattern continued He’d get two sentences out and someone would interrupt. He was starting to get frustrated. He was grateful when more chaperones showed up so Sophie wasn’t the only one being turned to. He chuckled in annoyance when the DJ slowed the music to talk, interrupting him yet again. 

“Alright you guys we’re going to slow things down with a throwback song. Lads pick a girl y’fancy and ask her to dance.” 

Niall smirked and held out his hand. “Shall we?” Sophie blushed but she took his hand and walked with him to the edge of the dance floor. 

“Maybe you’ll finally get to tell me what’s on your mind.” 

Neither of them knew what to expect for the throwback, but it wasn’t Ariana Grande. 

“Dear god is this what they’re calling a throwback?” she asked in shock. “I remember when this song came out that wasn’t that long ago!”

“Which one is this?” Niall asked trying to recall the title before the lyrics started. 

“Tattooed Heart.” 

“Oh that’s right! Bloody hell this song isn’t even fifteen years old yet how is it a throwback?” 

“I have no idea,” Sophie laughed. “I bet you can’t hit the high notes.” 

“Oh really? Cause I sing this song in the shower everyday.” Sophie laughed as he chuckled, her forehead coming to rest on his shoulder as they swayed. “No it doesn’t have to be forever just as long as I’m the name on your tattooed heart.” Niall scrunched his face as he tried to hit the high notes and Sophie laughed even more. 

Silence fell over them after a moment and Sophie took a deep breath. 

“So what have you been trying to tell me?” she asked after the pause. 

“Right… well I’ve been beating around the bush… I just need to come out with it. Killian’s mum is the reason why things are complicated.” He saw the hurt flash across her face. “She’s not involved I promise, but she is a huge part of why I need to be careful with dating. When Killian was three she got into drugs, and when he was four she got arrested for dealing. I almost lost custody of Killian at first. Since then she’s been in and out of rehab facilities and prison. And before this year I never told Killian, I didn’t want him thinking of his mum horribly you know?” Sophie nodded, her expression full of compassion. “But because of that he always thought there was a chance of us getting back together. So me starting to date was rough for him and I talked to him and I was worried he wasn’t ready so that’s why I told you things were complicated.” 

“Niall I’m so sorry for being cold to you, I should have trusted your judgment-“

“No Soph, this is on me, I should have given you a better explanation and I also shouldn’t have just pushed you away. I forget sometimes that I’m allowed to do things for me, they don’t all have to be centered around Killian.” 

“We can take things as slow as you need to. I want Killian to be comfortable too.” 

“I hope you know I really do like you Soph.” 

“I like it when you call me that,” she smiled. The music slowed but they didn’t stop dancing. Niall’s head dipped down slightly just as hers tipped up. He Felt anxiety bubble inside him, he hadn’t kissed a woman in 8 years but everything about this felt right. His lips gently pressed against hers as the music came to a stop, their swaying doing the same. He knew it would be a long road dating Sophie but he knew it would all be for the best. 

[banditthewriter]

Southbound - Ryan Brenner

Prompt: maybe reader is running from something and they meet. Just something on the actual train, traveling. Never seen anything like that for Ryan yet. He's always in a town. Anyway. Hope you are inspired. I remember a drabble forever ago like that Prompter: @russosprettydiamondnow

I believe you meant this drabble. I took bits and pieces of that, the rest of your request, and the song Southbound from Jackie and Ryan to create... whatever this is. I hope you like it!

Tags are at the bottom. Let me know if you would like to be added to one of my tag lists! *gif not mine* Enjoy!

*****

The train was beginning to rumble, the wheels turning ever so slightly. You checked both directions before you threw your bag into the open car, back towards the space that was hidden in the dark. The gloves made it difficult to get a good grip and you had a moment of worry that you wouldn’t make it before the train sped up.

A hand wrapped around your wrist and you felt a tug. A body emerged from the darkness and you were met with what looked like a pair of black eyes.

“On three,” the man said as he counted down.

On three he tugged you up just as you jumped. Right on time as the train finally gathered enough speed to really get moving. You stumbled into the man that had helped you up, your breathing heavy as you tried to ignore how close you had come to not making it.

“Thank you,” you said cautiously as you finally stepped away from him, your eyes darting over to where you had thrown your bag.

It was resting next to his bags and you wondered if you had hit him with it when you had tossed it. You moved over and grabbed it, the familiar sensation of moving in a train car that was barreling down the tracks feeling as normal to you as walking on solid ground.

He gave you a quick nod before he moved over to this side of the car. He looked as comfortable on the train as you did, his feet not faltering once. As he settled down, you saw him position himself with his bags strategically so that if he had to run, he could do it quickly.

A regular, you decided as you sat down with your back against the wall of the car. He was on the other side, his body angled just enough towards yours that you could see him when light filtered in through the open door you had just climbed through.

And just as you were watching him, he was watching you. You didn’t notice it at first, that feeling of being stared at, but you caught a glimpse of his dark eyes as the light shone on them just right.

“I can move to another car if you’re…”

Uncomfortable, your mind supplied. And while you were grateful that he offered to leave, you weren’t about to make him hop train cars in the pitch dark. You hadn’t traveled with someone in a while but you didn’t think he was a danger to you.

Not that you were going to operate on faith alone.

“You were here first,” you said instead with a shrug. Then you gave your bag a brief pat. “Plus I have pepper spray.”

He laughed and you caught a quick glimpse of a nod. He didn’t seem to be offended by your statement at least.

There was something in his hand, something the light glinted off of. You were about to rethink your decision to let him stay when it lit up. Dim and small, it was enough to recognize that it was a cell phone. A cheap one, purchased at a gas station or something like it.

It wasn’t like you missed the mindless scrolling on Facebook, but you to admit that you missed Netflix sometimes.

The time seemed to stretch on from there. At some point he had leaned back, his head resting against the metal wall. You could tell from brief bright spots that he was kept glancing at you. With every glimpse you wondered if he was going to introduce himself or if you’d just refer to him as your silent companion.

“I’m Y/N,” you offered across the space between the two of you.

“Ryan,” he said with a smile. He gave a quick look around the car and then back to you. “Going my way?”

You smiled and shifted a little against the hard floor under you.

“At least until the next stop.”

He smiled again and tilted his head back. You took it to mean the end of the conversation, at least for now, but you couldn’t help but notice his eyes darting to you before he closed them.

------

The train had stopped and you knew that the men would be making their way up and down the cars to make sure that there weren’t any stowaways. Ryan had offered to stick with you until you were both out of the station since this seemed to be where both of you were making a temporary stop.

It’d been a few days on the train together, taking turns keeping watch while the other slept or while you transferred from one car to another to keep from being discovered. There wasn’t a conversation about it; you both just fell into the habit.

Now Ryan was tugging you towards an abandoned building right off the tracks, pressing you back so that you were more hidden than he was. The sound of someone coming by had you tugging Ryan in closer to make sure that he was hidden as well.

His guitar case rested against your hip as he molded his body against yours, his head tilted to keep an ear out for the man that was nearby.

How long had it been since you’d been this close to a person? Hell, how long had it been since you spoke to another person?

Ryan turned his head back to you, opening his mouth to say something. You watched his tongue dart out and wet his bottom lip, those dark brown eyes moving over your face. This close you could smell the layer of sweat that probably covered both of you, the smell of trains and the cold air. His hat was tugged a little low on his head, darkening his eyes, but you couldn’t look away.

Could he hear your heart beating faster? Did he see the way your breath caught when your eyes met his?

He stepped backwards and gave you a brief nod.

“He’s gone,” he said as he looked out towards the street. “I guess this is where we say goodbye.”

You swallowed and shifted your bag on your shoulders. He had a bag over his shoulder and that ever present guitar hanging from his hand.

“Or,” you said uncertainly as you looked away, feigning nonchalance, “we could keep traveling together? You said that you weren’t headed anywhere particularly and, well, neither am I.”

The silence drew your eyes back to him. Ryan tilted his head a bit and you could see a smile growing on his lips.

“Sounds like a good idea,” he said simply as he looked out towards the street once more. “Want to get something to eat? I know someone here that would be happy to let us crash on their couch for a few days while we figure out where we want to go next.”

And just like that, you weren’t alone anymore.

------

“Portland is about a two day trip,” Ryan said as he tapped his fingers against the map that was spread out between the two of you on the table. “Or, I don’t know, maybe we could double back? You said you were from this area, right?”

Six months of traveling with Ryan and you were surprised that this was the first time you’d come this close to home. Or what had been home once upon a time.

“I don’t want to go back there,” you said firmly, your eyes not moving from the map.

His hand reached out and hesitantly covered yours. In the time you had been traveling with Ryan he was always respectful and courteous. He was a tactile person, something you hadn’t expected for some reason, but he was always so careful with you.

You had woken him up more than once with your startled screams. The first time he had looked so surprised and worried about you that you’d let it slip out without meaning.

“I was in an abusive relationship,” you had said as you futilely tried to curl your fingers into the wooden floor of the train car you were in. “He uh, it uh. I left, but I guess some of it followed me.”

You hadn’t given him more than that and he never asked. Both of you had shared bits and pieces of your lives, unable to travel for six months without sharing something personal. 

You knew about his rough childhood, his lack of any support or people to rely on. He told you how he got into train jumping and why he preferred it to any other way of life.

In return you told him about your great uncle being the reason you started riding trains, how you hadn’t made a lot of good choices over the years.

You never talked more about your ex and he didn’t ask.

He still wasn’t asking after your outburst but you could see it in his eyes as his hand covered yours on the table of the coffee house you both had gone into to get out of the heat.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” he explained softly, his eyes darting around to make sure that no one was watching the two of you. “I’d never make you do something like that. I just meant that you knew the area better than I do so you should be the one to pick our next step.”

Ashamed for your outburst, you turned your hand over in his so that you could wrap your fingers around his before you nodded, turning your eyes to the map.

It wasn’t the first touch that you had initiated, but he treated each one like the first. He smiled and cherished the moment, his fingers brushing against yours softly. The touch had once elicited a quiet gasp from you but now you simply smiled and continued to stare at the map.

“This way,” you said as you used your free hand to trace a railroad track in the opposite direction. “It’ll take us somewhere new.”

Ryan squeezed your fingers gently and you looked up to meet his eyes.

“I like new things,” he said with a smile.

------

“Hey,” you whispered as you crept over to where Ryan was sleeping on a pallet on the floor. “Are you still awake?”

He smiled even though his eyes were closed, lifting up the blanket for you to slip in with him. It was another friend of his that were letting you crash but they didn’t have any beds open. Ryan had let you have the couch but it hadn’t felt right.

You curled around him carefully, your fingers drifting over his chest. You had been pleasantly surprised by the tattoos he had, your eyes tracing the ink long before you ever dared to try with your fingers. But now you felt like it was okay, it was allowed.

More than that it was welcomed.

“Bad dream?”

He curved his body towards yours, his eyes still closed as he tugged you in a little closer. You felt his lips brush gently against your cheek and couldn’t help the smile that overcame you.

He was always so careful with you.

“Got used to your snoring,” you joked as you ran your hand over his shoulder and tucking against the back of his neck. “Without that or the sound of a train, I have a hard time falling asleep.”

He dug his fingers teasingly into your side, huffing out a laugh when you wiggled against the touch. When you looked up, you saw that he was staring at you. He raised his hand and brushed his fingers against your jaw.

The touch felt as relaxed and familiar as if he had done it a hundred times before. Things with Ryan had felt like that almost from day one. From that first night he helped you onto the moving train and had introduced himself, you had felt like you had known him your whole life.

Making sure that his eyes were locked on yours, you leaned forward until your lips brushed his. He pulled back an inch, his eyes darting back and forth over yours as if checking before he gave a quick nod. Then he surged forward, claiming your mouth in a kiss that made your entire body melt. He cupped your cheek as he kissed you, his whole body somehow wrapping around you.

“Y/N,” he whispered when he pulled back, smiling as wide as you’d ever seen. “If you only knew how long I’d been wanting to do that.”

You smiled back and rolled your body against his, eager to taste the kiss that you loved to see.

“Show me,” you whispered back, out of breath and blissfully happy.

And he did.

------

The train rambled down the tracks, jostling you where you had been drifting off. You shifted a bit, your head resting on Ryan’s shoulder. He made a noise in the back of his throat and tugged you in closer, his hand on your hip a comforting presence.

Through the partially open car door you could see the scenery rush by, a blur. The train would be getting to your next destination in a few hours and you’d have to wake Ryan up before then so you could both be ready, but there was time for him to rest.

You had once thought that it felt like you had known Ryan your whole life, but that was wrong. It was more like you had climbed onto that train and found something you were missing. Not a part of your heart or your soul or something sappy like that, although you knew Ryan wouldn’t mind the comparison.

You’d found safety in Ryan’s arms. You found a place to call home.

And as long as he was with you, you weren’t worried about anything that you may come upon. You were content to just ride the train and enjoy the journey.

X

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[b4kuch1n]

As you are, a kettle of blue

ya boye had an idea, sat down, and got it out. in 11k words. I need a forced shut down

QCed by @cosbeans - thank you so much for sitting through this shit with me, and for jumping in the hole in the first place when I extended my hand to you. honestly wouldnt know what to do without you there with me.\

Todd snapped on day three.

Dirk should elaborate.

Okay, here's Todd's thing: his surface tolerance for anomalies in his life is low. Like, below-Farah-level low. And he likes to make it known! he very much does. Anyone who lingers in his vicinity for over five minutes will immediately learn, because he will tell them. Mostly by complaining. Todd likes to complain, and it's part of his charm, in Dirk's and no one else's opinion. Farah sure doesn't care for that as much as she just endures it.

That is not to say that Todd is a rigid man in his routines - he is adaptable, crafty, and his mind for puzzles is a beautiful thing. The man just requires a healthy, regular, quite sizeable side of complaining to go with whatever it is that he does at any point. And it’s not that it hasn’t had its use before; Todd was most acquainted with normalcy (or, well, dullness) pre-things, and he still has an eye for the baseline of where things should be even now, and he doesn’t hesitate to call people out on being ridiculous when he feels it justified. And that usually stuns a supervillain like nothing else.

So: Todd has a complaint specially made for every occasion, which means he isn’t quiet too often. His happiness ranges anywhere from a warm, fuzzy buzz with smiles and light elbow jabs to downright mania full of breathless laughters and clinginess, and his annoyance is aimed outward most of the time. Which Dirk is very okay with, by the way; he isn’t good at reading social cues or body language, if that hasn’t made itself clear yet. He likes when people just say what they’re feeling. And, well, Todd sure does that.

The almost constant slight buzz of Todd also serves to signify when something is seriously wrong, more wrong than usual, which is when it goes quiet.

And that was half a day ago.

...Dirk isn’t elaborating much, is he now.

Okay, so, there was this case. Which was three days before this point. A case, very intriguing, very exciting, with all these little details scattered all over the city, leading them into two days of leg work and snooping and one unfortunate swim involving a very vicious goldfish, and finally landing them in a crypt under a hipster coffee shop. A case that started with Dirk being hit on the head with a medium-sized, hardcover book, a fact he had generously tolerated but which came back to bite him in the bum by the end of their second investigative day, in the form of another whap nailing his head right where it had been assaulted before.

Generally Dirk just took these attacks with grace and serenity - things happen to him - but their current client (whose actual identity they had not even come very close to finding out yet) was sliding ever so slightly to his bad side on account of that.

So! The book was locked with a small iron lock, which in hindsight Farah could definitely get through in twenty seconds flat, but Dirk had just immediately fixated on the idea of a key. It was logical, but not very open-minded of him, he will admit; but in his defense, that lead had just been so attractive. Either it was a nudge from the universe, or he had some serious soul searching to do.

Fortunately the latter was not the case, given that the chase for the key lead them to an antique shop, whose owner asked for a favour, which lead them to a CD store, which had seen some shenanigans before their arrival, and they were then sent to an old lady, and then to a park, where the swim happened, and by the end they didn’t get the right key for the book, but that key worked on the barista in the hipster coffee shop. Yes, the barista.

That was awkward for every party involved.

But anyway, they got inside the crypt (the barista was glowing, but not in a miraculous way. It felt more like turning on an agonized head lamp that followed you around), someone snuck in after them, Farah was shut in the inner chamber, Dirk was hit upside the head, and the next time he opened his eyes it was to the roof of a van, Todd unconscious beside him.

Well, not unconscious. Todd was sleeping - he didn’t have that scary stillness to someone unconscious. That, however, wasn’t that comforting a knowledge, given that Todd was still working on his insomnia problem, and only fell asleep in stressful environments when he was absolutely, one hundred percent exhausted. Which was why Dirk let him sleep while he sat down for an amicable, gun-laden talk with their captors.

That talk went something like this: I’m looking for someone from a prophecy, and you also appear in that prophecy, so I’ve kidnapped you so I can have all the pieces in one place. First of all, flattering of the prophet, second, why didn’t you guys come to our office. We have a business built around these kinds of mysteries, and I feel like it’s being disrespected right now. Because we’re gonna kill the man the prophecy sends us to, and the world is blind to our mission.

Cool, very cool. I definitely do not have problems with any of this at all.

Also why is my friend grabbed?

He was there, the captor who had been speaking up until that point waved the gun around for emphasis, while the other one eyed that action with annoyance and wariness.

It wasn’t a very exciting exchange of words.

They covered up the windows in the cabin, so Dirk didn’t have much of an idea of where they were going, and they stripped him and Todd both of their phones, so no chance of calling for help. Todd woke up extra groggy, which signaled something Not Fun, and Dirk spent the first evening in captive assessing Todd’s situation while hanging onto Todd’s arm so he knew he wasn’t alone in his predicaments. Well, some of them.

Todd, of course, started his actual wakefulness with, “Where are we.”

“I would say this is a van,” Dirk offered his input, “but. Well. I have seen this interior in many places, an elevator included.”

Todd made to stand up. “Those assholes hit you in the head?” He grimaced. “That’s not— I just want to know. It’s not a jab. Fuck, my fucking head.”

“It’s okay to sit down,” Dirk’s voice wobbled a bit dangerously there. “And, my head is. Very whole. They did hit it, in the same spot the book hit it, which I didn’t appreciate by the way, but it is in one piece, or you would have noticed I think. And so would I. I would very probably be talking much less than I am right now, and just, do less in general. I would be very still, and oh, that’s very morbid Dirk. Dirk should stop.”

“Dirk should stop,” Todd echoed with a hint of fondness amidst a sea of annoyance. He rose to his feet with a grunt.

“More importantly,” Dirk pressed forward while quickly arranging his limbs into pre-standing up position, “I wasn’t there when what happened to you… happened. I was there physically, but I was. Out. Is what I meant. So I am asking whether you have been…”

“Hit. Yes— yeah. I was hit.” Todd said, and walked over to the bench bolted onto the side wall. It was wobbling a bit with the lurch of the van. He dropped to his knees and snuck his hand underneath it. “Okay, so. If we’re in a van right now then there should be a panel here somewhere that— opens into… a… thing. And we can jam the axle.”

Dirk stared at him, while his head registered none of that other than the vague impression of huh Todd knows these things very cool . His brain was, in fact, rather busy chasing around the fact that Todd didn’t look like he had a concussion like a particularly excitable puppy. So Todd didn’t fall asleep after a concussion. It wasn’t the hit that took him out.

“You had an attack, didn’t you,” Dirk said lamely, and Todd’s shoulders tensed.

“I— yeah.”

Dirk stared at him some more.

“Don’t let me start on it, because I won’t stop. I won’t be able to, and I won’t want to, and in no time I’m gonna be on the other side of that window strangling someone, who’s probably driving this thing, and I will yell a lot, and we will die in an incredibly shitty way.”

“I won’t let you start on it,” Dirk swore, drawing a cross on his heart with his finger. “But it might be wise to sit down for another minute first.”

Todd shrugged. “I slept it off. Got it,” he said, and crouched down even further to look at whatever it was that he got. “It’s screwed shut, so, hm. Dirk?” He turned his head to the side to look at Dirk. “You still have the key on you?”

Dirk held up his hands. “It was still in the barista, per my last memory pre-whap.”

“Pre-wha—” Todd’s face scrunched up slightly. “Nevermind. Never-goddamn-mind. Do I—” He groped around for his wallet, a search that came up empty. “Of all times for some dumbass kidnappers to be thorough. Of course. Alright.”

Dirk was still staring at him, and, well. He wasn’t going to stop, if one asked. He was just acknowledging the action.

Todd turned to him again, and the indignance in his face really shouldn’t be this endearing. “What is the deal of those dudes, anyway?”

“I do have an answer for that, actually,” Dirk informed him, delightfully, and he told Todd about the prophecy. By the end of the explanation Todd has sat down onto the wobbly bench, hands on his face, the arch of his back telling of a soul-deep weariness.

“Why.” He groaned through his hands. “Can’t they have normal motives for once. They have a fucking gun each, sure, but not enough common sense to split between their fucking heads.”

Common sense is a rarity, and yet very much overrated, Dirk thought cheerfully. What he said out loud though, was “They are very whimsical.”

Todd sighed. He tipped his head back until it collided with the window with a hitch in his breath. The window was still stubbornly covered in dark film. “I hate it when people like this kidnap us,” he grumbled. “I mean— it’s nice of them to not tie us up, or drug us, or give a shit what we say or plan between us, but.” His left arm flailed up in a defeated motion. “They sure got us here in this van. While being stupefyingly incompetent. And I hate that.”

“I get what you mean,” Dirk nodded.

Todd looked at him, and then at the back door, and then at the wall separating them from the driver’s seat, and then he sighed and walked up to try the back door. It was locked. Todd didn’t look less annoyed. He returned to the bench to start peeling the film from the window.

“Is this a part of the case?” He asked while scraping at a corner that did come off with his nail.

Dirk pursed his lips. “Ab-solutely no idea.”

“I.” The sound of nail-on-edge-of-film started fading into the background. “Have been thinking about the old woman.”

“Have you now.”

“Have— you know what the hell I mean. And also she’s just weird as hell, like. Not just old-lady weird. Like weird weird. You get what I mean?”

“It’s not nice to judge, Todd.”

“She sent a goldfish after us! And the smell of— God I hope that was fish pellets…”

They talked about the case well into the night, Dirk waving his hands and moving around the space, Todd giving up on the window after clearing three fingers worth of the film. Dirk knew it was about four in the morning when his eyes started to droop and his thoughts lapsed into circles, and when he yawned Todd moved from the bench to sit next to him on the floor. It was pitch black outside, from what they could see through the newly transparent patch of window.

The van lurched to a stop all of a sudden, and a few muffled footsteps later the back door opened to reveal two guns trailing on them. Todd sat up straighter, hands in the air. Dirk, after a few moments, did the same.

“Okay, okay.” Todd said, calm in that exact way someone was obviously freaking out on the inside would be, but Dirk had heard him use this voice enough to recognize it as an act. That, and the fact that Todd was complaining about these individuals’ kidnapping competence mere hours before. “Dirk, he. He told me about the prophecy you guys heard. Whatever it is, we have nothing to do with it, okay? We’re just two dudes, we didn’t know where we were or what the hell that place was, if that’s where you guys do your- your business, we will just. Forget all of it. Not a single word out of our mouth, ever. I promise. Please, please let us go.”

His voice even broke a little at the end. Dirk was… impressed, sure, but there was just a lot to unpack in this situation. He opted to say nothing, open his eyes wide, and nod as frantically as possible. He was nowhere as good at acting as Todd. Todd, with all of his observance and puzzle solving and bluffing, was well on his way to become a real spy.

Their kidnappers, however, were not of the mind to appreciate that. “That’s not happening,” the talkative of the two said, while the other one shrugged. “Dirk Gently’s in the prophecy, and you know our plan now. We just need to be sure you’re not telling on us. Anyway, we forgot to restrain you.”

He trained his gun on Todd as the other lowered his gun to the ground, below the floor of the van, and climbed inside. Todd swallowed heavily and blinked a bit frantically as a zip tie tightened around his wrists. The man grabbed for Dirk next and he went through the same treatment.

They captors were done and gone just as quickly and suddenly as they appeared. After the door had locked on them again and the engine started with an agonizing cough, Todd dropped his shoulders and leaned back against the side with a thunk.

“This is—” He pressed his hands on his face and said with a groan, “the most bullshit. God.”

It had been okay up until that point. Well, as okay as a kidnapping could have gone, as in nobody had shot at them yet, they were still not drugged, Dirk could kind of stand up to stretch his legs, and they were given food at one point. The van didn’t stop, the kidnappers didn’t talk to them, and Dirk was definitely bored.

Todd was… frustrated. He checked the panel under the bench again, looked through the clear patch on the window every hour or so (they didn’t recognize the surrounding, or however much of it they could gleam through the patch), and the rest of the time he practically buzzed with restless annoyance and anxiety. He hadn’t calmed down at all since they got zip tied.

They kept going like that for about another half a day (if Todd’s inner clock was right. Dirk just had to trust him, because Dirk’s sense of time was screwed to hell), and then the van stopped, and the back door opened again to reveal the kidnappers.

“I have a small, irrelevant question,” Dirk said immediately. “What is your name? And your friend’s name, of course. I have been addressing you as ‘the kidnappers’ in my head for too long now, and it’s becoming very distracting.”

Todd stared at him, and he could feel the incredulity in that stare.

The kidnappers looked at each other, and then the talkative one shrugged again. “Adrian,” he said. He talked a lot, but he didn’t emote much. Even his voice was even, like a mirror. “And here’s Jon.”

“Cool! Great! We know each other now, we are getting acquainted,” Todd chimed in, nervousness worked into his voice. “Are you guys letting us go? Or— does, does knowing your names mean we aren’t going? Jesus, god, I. Please. I’m, oh God,” he trailed off, swallowed visibly, and glanced over to Dirk with round, very blue eyes.

“I’m here to talk,” Adrian said, “please calm down.”

Todd stared at the guns, and then at Adrian.

“I don’t shoot if you don’t make me,” Adrian said. He then tried to keep his gun aimed at Todd as he climbed into the van, Jon following suit after he’d sat down on the bench. The gun were very close now. Dirk stared at them, and then at Adrian. And Jon.

There was a very long moment of silence. Again, Dirk had never been proud of his sense of time.

Adrian sat up a bit straighter when Dirk did the exaggerated shrugging motion with an mm-hm in place of a well go ahead then. He was wearing suit, but not good suit. It was a bit large and crumpled and the tie was just noncommittal in a sad way. Jon looked more sporty and organized, if black tank top and black slack could be considered that.

“So,” Adrian said, still as even as ever, “I have taken another look at the prophecy, and—”

“We aren’t really required?” Todd piped up.

“—it seems to point to you,” Adrian again ignored him in favour of gesturing with his gun at Dirk, a motion he really didn’t appreciate, “being a compass of sort.”

Dirk felt Todd tense up a bit at that. It was understandable, given that they had, by that point in time, run into weird people with weird expectations for Dirk seventeen times in total. A worrying majority of those seventeen were very aggressive and… murdery, and exactly only two ever reconsidered their view on his thing. There had definitely been some kidnapping attempts, and a lot of threatening at gun points (well, some threatening at gun points, but in Dirk’s humble opinion, any amount of threatening at gun points is a lot), and, really, the amount of injuries and bleeding resulting from those encounters was just ridiculous. And Todd was there the whole time, got shot at a not-zero amount of time, buzzing with worry and guilt all the way through, complaining extra grumpily, because the seventeen people on the list were just the exact brand of people Todd could not tolerate.

This time around their kidnappers - Adrian and Jon - were shaping up to be another entry on the Stupid Fucking People I Can’t Believe We Have To Deal With list (Todd was usually more precise in his naming, which only serve to highlight how much he really did not like the people on the list); they kidnapped Dirk and Todd, they hit them over the head not in an affectionate manner, they had guns, they followed a prophecy, and just then they were weird with Dirk’s thing. But they also weren’t entirely within the range yet: they hadn’t been incredibly aggressive, and. Well. They were mostly chill, actually. Just two calm, business-as-usual, extremely normal individuals, aiming guns at Dirk and Todd after they hit them over the head.

Dirk reserved his rights to be a bit spiteful about that detail, thank you very much.

Their captors’ precarious position on the cliff above the SFPICBWHTDW list didn’t win them any favour from Todd, however. So far he hadn’t lost any blood, sure, but he didn’t like people that are hard to read. Todd had his neat categories of how to interact with the outside world, as any other adult did, and his sorting system relied a lot on how the other person or people read to him, so he of course didn’t like people who were antagonistic and also hard to read. He couldn’t yet explode the way he would at someone like Suzie Boreton, because these people were just not there in the reaction zone yet, so he had to settle with just being tense and uncomfortable and annoyed and having an all around below average time.

He, of course, carried on with his act no matter his own comfort. Dirk very much wished he wouldn’t, but they were in a van with their wrists zip tied and guns aimed in their general direction, and. Well. Todd’s act was still his actual feelings filtered through a reaction scheme afterall. “Wait, wait wait wait wait— what. What does that mean? A c- a compass?”

Adrian shrugged without even glancing at Todd. “It’s how the prophecy reads. For a man whose gaze points westward is always true to his treasure. West is the prophet’s name, and I got your name from the first letter of every verse.”

Todd definitely did a small, almost unreadable grimace at that. Dirk’s curiosity was piqued, but he told himself firmly do not start with your questioning at gun points and sat still.

“Dude, that sounds like a coincidence,” Todd said with a lot of blinking. Dirk could hear how much Todd didn’t believe in that, but these people didn’t know Todd. “I saw— I saw my name in the first letters of paragraphs in the newspaper all the time! I don’t—” He jumped a bit in genuine surprise at Jon aiming the gun squarely on him, a hint of true animosity actually flickering in the man’s eye. “Hey! I— I just think! I just think that’s a bit of a reach…?”

Adrian shrugged again. He was a video game NPC, and shrugging was his dialogue animation, and it was boring in the most grating way. “Most people are blind to my mission.”

Oh, Todd had so many things to say to that. Dirk could feel how much Todd had to say to that. It was a miraculous feat, one that Dirk knew must have done some kind of damage to Todd’s soul, for Todd to sit still and act like he was dumbfounded and defeated.

“So,” Adrian carried on, “we’ll sit you in the front from now on.”

Hands grabbed Dirk’s arm, and before words could leave his mouth to express how he didn’t like sitting in the front, thank you for the invite but allow him to courteously decline, he could feel the muzzle of one of the gun against his ribs. It was as noncommittal as everything else Adrian did, and oh wow he was starting to resend that with real fervour now.

They of course left Todd in the back by himself, locked in with nothing but empty space and artificial, unnerving, unblinking light for company, and Dirk was seated between Adrian and Jon, and his urge to fidget immediately started to overwhelm him. The view of the road, unobscured by dark film, bright and deserted and cold despite the color of burnt grass and sunlight on the ground, did nothing to calm him down. His attention was divided between all the details his eyes caught, and he retained none of them.

Jon was annoyed with how Dirk shifted between tensing up and squirming. His grip on the gun, still aiming at Dirk from the side, tightened, and Dirk felt both petty triumph and a vague fear over that.

“Where to, Dirk Gently?” Adrian was looking at him. Eyes on the road, Dirk thought, and felt guilty for being a hypocrite.

“Left on the next turn,” he said. “And, um, if I may? On the subject of the prophecy…”

“Shut up,” Jon mumbled. Adrian didn’t seem to hear that, but Dirk jumped slightly at the nudge of the gun against his side anyway.

Adrian tapped his finger on the steering wheel. “I found it in a spam mail. Hidden beneath all the graphics, just plain blocks of words. I was clearing out my late wife’s mail.”

“Very sorry for your lost,” Dirk said politely, and Adrian nodded, as if he was acknowledging and appreciating the proper way a conversation should go when one party mentions a lost loved one. His wife must have passed away for a long time ago, if the smooth evenness of how he brought her up meant something. They sat in silence for a minute, and then Dirk just mentally said screw it and blurted out, “May I hear the prophecy? If you don’t mind, of course,” he added very quickly when he heard Jon huffed.

Adrian used his gun-holding hand (right, he was still holding his gun while driving, of course), to gesture to a crumpled flyer on the dashboard. Dirk looked at him, and then at Jon, who was rolling his eyes, and then he reached over to pick it up.

It was a garishly technicolored flyer for a new convenience store franchise, one that Dirk had never seen or heard of, which might be a bit weird given that Dirk had been back to the States for a few years now, had traveled for cases a lot, and the flyer seemed old but not ancient. In fact, the date on the flyer was three years ago, which meant Dirk could have been there for the grand opening. He did love grand openings. Even though Launda-7 wasn’t the smoothest name on the tongue.

True to Adrian’s words, the verses were printed below the blurry pink-and-ultramarine-blue frame, in small black prints that really wasn’t doing it for Dirk’s eyes right now. He desperately wished for it to be because he was in a van that didn’t feel the most stable, and not because his eyesight was getting worse. All he had to rely on was his perfect eyesight and his incredible friends and his witty charm that didn’t quit.

He gave up reading after four lines. It read like a bad love song. If he could rate the overall experience of reading it on a scale of ten, he would have to take away at least some points.

Adrian finally took the left Dirk told him to, and while watching the road, the clock on the dashboard screen finally caught his eyes. “It’s Thursday,” he mumbled. “Oh God, it’s Thursday.”

He turned around to face the wall separating his seat and the back, persistent despite Jon’s menacing shove of the gun in his side. Adrian spared him a glance.

“Did you get a pill bottle out of any of our pockets?” He asked, turning forward again, knocking into Jon’s gun. Jon was very peeved at that. “Small, orange with white cap, green-and-white pill—”

“Oh, those,” Adrian said. “I don’t remember hanging onto them? Jon probably threw them away along with your phones.”

Jon reacted in some way at that, but Dirk didn’t register it. “Stop the van. I need to see my friend.”

Now Adrian looked at him.

“My friend needs those pills,” Dirk was getting impatient. Or, well, desperate. He felt his own breathing speeding up. “He needs a dose every three days.”

The silence answering him was suffocating.

Dirk pushed over to Jon’s side to grab at the door handle. He could feel the gun on the back of his head, and he could hear the Hey! Both Jon and Adrian let out, but he really couldn’t spare attention for those things right now. He did register the van stopping with a screech and a lurch.

“Mister Adrian, if I may address you as such,” he said, with a calm he didn’t feel, “my friend may very possibly be in the middle of an attack right now, and I would have no way to know, and if you want a single word of direction out of my mouth, you need to let me see him right. This. Moment.”

Adrian and Jon looked at each other, and then Jon groaned and Adrian opened the door on his side. Muffled footsteps again, then the door in front of Dirk’s face opened as well, then he had to sit up so Jon could step out first, and this was taking too much bloody time, and Dirk practically tumbled into the back when the door was unlocked.

Todd was sitting up against the side. He looked at Dirk with the expression that indicated he had just done some snooping around yet again. “Adrian!” was, however, the first word out of his mouth. “Hey, guys! Does this mean—”

“Your friend’s fine,” Adrian interrupted, and he made to grab at Dirk’s arm again. Dirk yanked it out of his reach with a huff.

“No, see, I’m going to stay right here with Todd. You know,” he glared at Adrian, “that if you bring me to the front seat again, I will do what I just did there every few hours. Or every few minutes. Truthfully, I will just immediately kick the door open to run out again the moment you close it behind me. You have my word on the matter.”

Adrian seemed to believe him, because he took a long look at him, then sighed, shrugged, and turned to Jon to say, “Get in the back with them.”

Jon didn’t like that, but screw Jon.

Three people in the back closed the space up to a slightly claustrophobic size, and Jon’s attitude and gun didn’t help the matter. Todd was tense all the time now, which made Dirk hover in a kind of embarrassing manner, but, well. At least he had Todd in his sight again. He always appreciated that, but he appreciated that doubly now because of the many things that had happened and were happening around them.

“So,” Todd said, just the right amount of awkward, and Dirk had the impression only the lack of annoyance in his voice was manufactured, “what were you guys doing at the front?”

“Well, I was being a compass,” Dirk said. Jon didn’t like that they were just talking freely in front of him, but again, screw Jon. “A very dashing, very proper, only slightly unethical one.”

“So you just. Tell them where to go?”

“I work on a sophisticated left-right basis, Todd. I am very accurate within my range.”

Todd’s huff of laughter was true amusement, and Dirk felt his heart (which was beating very violently and relentlessly until now, huh, he hadn’t even noticed) calm down a little bit. He wouldn’t yet bring up the pills. He would probably not bring up the pills. Todd wouldn’t like that he didn’t bring up the pills, but then again, Todd also wouldn’t like being stressed over not having his pills on him, which could trigger a premature attack.

Adrian and Jon’s plus points over other kidnappers they had experienced were rapidly depleting by this point.

Todd also seemed to have something he needed to tell Dirk, which he signaled by huddling a bit closer to Dirk, but Jon’s presence opposite them tied their hands. Metaphorically said, since their hands were still zip tied.

Stars above, Dirk just didn’t like Jon at all.

They stayed like that, Dirk and Todd against the side, Jon on the bench, as day tumbled into night and Dirk felt like his legs would just collapse in on itself like those extendable sticks teachers used to point at the board. Every once in a while Jon’s phone would buzz, then he would ask Dirk for the direction in a tight voice, and Dirk would just choose left or right at random, and he would text that back to Adrian. Todd didn’t say anything, though his act melted into real annoyance in a quite organic way, if Dirk could say so himself. He slumped down to rest his back against the wall again at one point.

Jon’s look on Dirk steeled up more and more the further into the night day they go, and when the van stopped again and Adrian called Jon outside, probably for a rest stop, the disdain with which he threw the sandwiches at Dirk and Todd was palpable. The air seemed ten times lighter after he left.

“I found a— I found Farah’s chip in my jacket,” Todd said hastily the moment the footsteps faded. He held the edge of his windbreaker up to show Dirk something that Dirk didn’t quite catch. “It— ugh, just— your hand!” He pushed the edge into Dirk’s hands, and… Oh. There was a small lump there where the rest of the fabric was smooth. “Those tracker we got from— the Wisecracker case. Farah is probably on the way to get us now.”

Dirk broke into a wide, wide grin. “Brilliant! Great assisting, Todd!”

“That is. Well. Unless she’s still…”

“No way.”

“Yeah,” Todd nodded, amiably, and picked up his sandwich, “you’re right. No way.”

They ate and talked, about the case, about Farah, about the weird creepy old lady with the murderous goldfish (“That tank in her living room really should have tipped us off,” Todd said, but Dirk didn’t find that a fault. Sometimes things just are outside of their imagination, and that is fine). Todd still resolutely didn’t mention their kidnappers, staying true to his promise to not let himself start on the tirade he had been holding back. Dirk felt compelled to honor his promise to not let him start as well.

Too soon the back door opened again - it was light out now - and Jon climbed back in, and Dirk could feel Todd shift into his sullen mode. Which was warranted, because Jon looked spoiling for a fight.

Now that Dirk knew Farah could very possibly be on the way to rescue them at this very moment, the hope and tension competed inside him to make up a giddy mood that perched precariously on the verge of hysteria. Todd’s fuse was burning away in front of his eyes, however, and Dirk grasped onto his own buzzing to clamp it down desperately in order to not add fuel to Todd’s fire. Farah must be close, they had been gone for… three days now. She must be.

When Jon’s phone buzzed, his grip on the thing made Dirk wince. “Left,” he said hastily, just so Jon would stop with that. But, well.

Jon thumped on the separating wall, just a bit violently. Just a bit. “Y’hear that, Addie? He says left!”

Todd and Dirk shared a look.

The phone buzzed again, and whatever text Adrian sent was definitely scathing, because Jon threw the thing at Todd, who had to drop to a side to avoid it. It clattered on the floor between Dirk and Todd, mostly intact, and that blew Jon’s sentiments into double size. He bolted upright only to knock his head on the roof and swear. His gun was lowered, away from Dirk and Todd.

Todd jumped onto the chance with a spite-powered vigor. Dirk yelped and pressed himself into the corner as Todd lunged for Jon’s gun arm, yanking it towards him. They toppled to the floor, gun splayed out in front of them, and the unmistakable flash-and-bang of it going off startled Dirk again. He hazily considered jumping for it as well, but then Jon pushed Todd off just far enough to punch him square across the jaw, and then Todd was on the floor and Jon was sitting up and the gun was on Todd again.

Dirk moved in just as the van halted, the lurch sent Jon into the separating wall, and the bullet grazed Todd’s calf on its way through the floor.

Todd shouted. And again. And again. He curled up on himself, almost kneeing himself in the face while he reached for the wound.

He didn’t stop screaming when Dirk crashed beside him, didn’t recognize Dirk’s arms behind him holding him up until they shook him. “Todd! Todd, look at me!” The pair of blue eyes that met Dirk’s was wide, wide open.

“It’s falling off,” Todd choked on a grunt, “my leg— it’s- it’s cut through—”

“Todd, look at me,” Dirk repeated, and oh, oh no, fear was seeping into his voice as well, this would not do, calm down, calm down— “Don’t look at your leg! Look at me! It’s still there, there’s no hole on it, it’s the attack telling you it’s cut through, listen to me instead.”

Todd swallowed, and his eyes were wet, and Dirk grabbed at the hands he clapped around his calf (his wrists were red and raw, scrubbed by the zip tie) and just held then as tightly as possible. Their forehead knocked together, and Todd’s eyes were screwed shut, and he was hiccuping now. “My—” he gasped, “give me my— my pills—”

Dirk’s heart sank, possibly to where that bloody bullet had gone, deep, deep into the dark earth. “I don’t—” He felt his throat closing up, refusing to deliver the news, stubbornly defying even the facts of the situation, and he opted to push Todd into his chest instead, to just hold him and feel the way he trembled. “I’m sorry, Todd, when they—”

Todd was crying now, and oh God, Dirk really wished he could just tear himself into a million threads and weave himself back into whatever it was that could comfort Todd, wished he could rearrange his atoms into the pills Todd needed. He wished to be Mona instead of himself, just sitting there clinging onto this friend, useless, utterly useless.

This kidnapping officially became the worst one yet.

Jon swore up a storm at it all, and Adrian was standing right outside, and Dirk never wanted to be somewhere less than he wanted to be here right now. “And what’s their deal, these- bunch of freaks !” He only registered that from Jon’s tirade.

Todd was finally winding down, the pain leaving him like droplets of mist, and underneath there was a foreign emptiness. That definitely scared Dirk a bit, so he just pulled Todd in even closer, and waited for Todd to fall asleep as usually the case after unmedicated attacks.

Jon was still seated with them in the back when the van moved again, and he stared at them the whole way.

Todd didn’t fall asleep. He sat slumped in the corner, eyes almost blank, and he was silent. Still as a rock, save for the lurches along with the van. Dirk vaguely picked up the change in background noises - the sounds of other vehicles on the road, and the sounds of people, they were somewhere with actual occupants now - but all fell off his focus save for Todd’s statue-like stillness.

He hadn’t liked many things that happened during the last three days, but this was a new level of dread.

They sat there for Dirk didn’t knew how long, the clear patch of glass on the window brightening then dimming, and finally the van stopped. The back door opened, Jon stood up to usher Dirk out with his gun hand. He then dragged Todd out by his arm, and Dirk almost hit his face on the floor of the van trying to climb in to stop him from doing that.

“He just had an attack!” He said at Adrian’s gun in his face. “Can you people at least act like learned, civilized men?”

Adrian stared at him, and then said to Jon, “Go easy on him.” And then he stared at him some more.

“Are you waiting for me to thank you,” Dirk asked flatly. Adrian had the heart to look slightly ashamed, but he rolled his eyes, just to bring that not-entirely-terribleness to sea level again. Dirk huffed, stood up straight, and turned around to grab at Todd’s shoulder as he dropped down to the ground.

Todd looked at him, and - there was something now where the emptiness was before.

That cleared Dirk’s head just a bit.

They were at a dingy little apartment complex, dimly lit, damp and dank against the red sunset. The stair up to the gate was slippery in a concerning way, and three of the four doors immediately in Dirk’s sight were busted.

They climbed the stairs to the fourth floor. The fourth floor was drastically messier than the ground floor. Paper stuck to almost every surface, practically lining their every steps. The air smelled of mold and rusted steel pipes and wet concrete. Dirk caught the sight of a magazine cover next to his foot, and from there it wasn’t hard to realize that the paper was all magazine pages.

Adrian’s pace quickened, leading them to the innermost apartment. The door wasn’t locked. The inside was covered in the same magazine pages in the hallway, and smelled even worse, a fact that could be explained by the universe’s worst fish tank ever on a counter under the living room’s window. Yes, Dirk had biases against rotting water plants and murky water and a big, uncomfortably human mouth lurking amidst the muddy green hue, but in his defense, he was pretty sure so did fishes and any other living creatures.

Except for Adrian, apparently. He walked up to the tank, checked through it, mumbled ‘okay, this is here’ possibly while cross-referencing in his head the prophecy which Dirk remembered none of, and then just ignored it the same way he ignored Todd. Jon just looked like he didn’t want to be here, and Dirk resent that he shared that sentiment with him.

They waited for something in the living room, Adrian’s gaze moving from the door to Dirk back to the door in regular intervals, while the sun went down outside the window, plunging the apartment into darkness except for the dull glow from the fish tank.

Boredom dulled Dirk’s simmering emotions, and he had started to feel the toll of the last three days on his everything while standing there in a dark, wet, magazine-lined, suspiciously-mouth-like-creature-infested apartment in some city. He looked at Todd, who didn’t look back at him and just continued to be frighteningly silent.

The apartment door opened when Dirk was mulling over breaking his promise to not let Todd start, and they all swung their bodies a bit forward in anticipation. A light shone in from the threshold, then a head popped in, looking from one side of the apartment to the other. It froze when catching Adrian’s eyes.

The gunshot rang clear through wet air before the newcomer could retreat. They fell backward as Adrian walked over, Dirk and Todd following him per Jon’s gun-accentuated nudge.

“Oh my God, oh my God.” The person was half-sobbing on their side on the floor, hand on their shoulder, which - oof, Dirk definitely recalled how a wound like that felt. They were wearing a hoodie, the percentage of their face not obscured by the hood was scrunched up into a Bad Feeling. “I’m so sorry, oh my God— I should’ve, I should have fed the, oh my God—”

Adrian didn’t seem to feel any particular way about the person he just shot in the shoulder (and about that - he was a better shot than Dirk anticipated, an information that raised something akin to molten sugar lava up in his stomach). He stood over them, voice still as even as ever when he asked, “Are you Jorji? Or do you, well, go by Jorji.”

The person clamped their mouth shut, which was a very wise course of action that warranted commendation. Their watery eyes shone under the light of the torch they dropped on the floor.

Adrian sighed. “Bring him inside, Jon.”

Dirk felt compelled to pipe up when the person was in upright position again. “I’m very sorry this is happening to you.” He didn’t really expect a reaction to that, really, the day mustn’t have been kind to them, but their eyes became even rounder when they finally looked at him properly.

“D- Dirk Gently!”

“That is my name,” Dirk said, and then dread fell over him at Adrian’s shift of attention on them. “Oh golly.”

They both duck, Dirk dragging supposedly-Jorji over to a side, as the shot again rang through the hallway. Jorji hit their wounded shoulder against the wall, which knocked the breath out of them, but they regained it fast enough to clamber up the wall when met with Adrian’s unfun end of the gun. Their eyes flashed with terror and hope intertwined as they looked between Adrian and Dirk, and they spilled when Adrian pressed in closer.

“I— I don’t know who you are! I’m not Jorji, I’m not whoever the hell you’re looking for, but Dirk G-Gently is here, so I did things right! I only forgot to feed the fish this morning! Please, it was one time, please!”

They were full on sobbing now, but, well, Dirk just solved the case, so one must forgive him for not feeling the full onset of sympathy at that moment. And also Jorji was the one dropping the book on his head, probably intentionally, so he needed to sort that small amount of spite out first.

Right now he yanked Jorji to a side again to avoid yet another gunshot, his ears full on ringing now, as he called over to Todd. “Todd! Todd! Solved it!”

Todd didn’t react. He was busy with something else. The something else being Adrian’s prophetic flyer.

“Hey, asshole,” Todd said, and for some reason it almost outrang the gunshot itself. “This is fucking Red Hearse.”

Adrian stopped aiming his gun to look at Todd, probably for the first time since he whapped him upside the head in order to be able to drag him into the van with Dirk.

“Excuse me,” he said, blinking in a bewildered manner.

“It’s fucking Red Hearse,” Todd said, his voice trembling with freezing fury now, and the flyer crumpled up even more in his fist. “Third song in their first album, Launda-7. Lead singer Syel West.”

Dirk looked at him, and yet another piece of the case slid in place. “Oh,” he said.

“This is viral marketing,” Todd said, and the temperature in the hallway ought to have dropped at least a few degree Celsius by now. His eyes were bright with something directly opposite of a fever. “You kidnapped, hit, and shot at us, over a fucking viral marketing campaign.”

Adrian seemed surprised, but not that interested, which was becoming more and more irritating by the second now. “Huh.”

Jon, on the other hand, was fuming. “You motherfucker,” he growled. His gun pointed from Todd to Adrian in a wild arc. “Is that fucking it? Is he right? Is he saying the truth, Addie?”

“His truth doesn’t mean much,” Adrian said. “People are blind.”

“People are blind!” Jon barked, at the same time as Todd’s cold, cold “ You’re a piece of shit. ”

Dirk watched, just a tad bit stunned, as Todd walked over until he was only an arm’s length away from Adrian.

“I know your fucking prophet, Addie.” His stance wasn’t steady, but he didn’t look like he was grazed in the leg with a bullet. He looked like he was going to tear the throat out of the first person to touch him right now. “Syel West was my old bandmate. Every morning he opened the door, walked into the living room, said to me ‘we are all dying slowly’, then went and clogged both the sink and the toilet. He was a cesspool of a living thing. The fucking hangers in the closet were out of his reach from how far he’d sunk into the ground. He was a fucking burden on a human being’s soul, and so was his music. And- and from the look of it, no fucking wonder you take his lyrics as a prophecy.”

He inhaled, and Dirk could see him shake, just slightly.

“Anyone with actual human feelings would never entertain the idea of putting themself through listening to a Red Hearse song. But you don’t have actual human feelings, do you, Addie ?” The sneer on Todd’s face was starting to scare Dirk just a little. “Human feelings go out. You just ferment them inside, like fucking surströmming, except not even edible, because now you’re just a walking tower of toxic waste. That’s not a success, no, you’ve— you’ve failed at living from day one, but you’re gonna cope by twisting the truth instead of facing it, right? Your view on the world is unique, your input is unique, yeah, half of Twitter is the same. You aren’t fucking right.”

“I am,” Adrian’s answer was a bit weak, but, well, he was comparing to Todd right now.

“No you’re not !” Dirk and Jorji jumped at the volume. “What you are is a fucking flour sack baby wearing tinfoil hat! You’re delusional, and narcissistic, and beneath us. There is a reason you’re left behind by the word, there’s a rea— there’s a reason why your wife left you, and it does have to do with you looking through her mails by the way! There’s a reason the only person you’ve persuaded into doing this with you thus far is your own brother, and that’s because you act like a cult leader with the charisma of a molding piece of cheese!”

“What—” Jon breathed out a syllable, before Todd whipped around to look at him.

“And you ! No one’s gonna fucking baby you, you overgrown manchild. Normal people don’t feel comfort over being coddled like a toddler and being petulant, as if you— as if you’re in the middle of rebellious teen phase! Normal people don’t swing around a fucking gun while they throw a temper tantrum! You think you’re tough, but you’re spineless, and he got you, he got you good, and— and that’s fucking pathetic because he fucking sucks at getting people! You’re evenly matched. You’re evenly a waste—”

“Shut up!” Jon shouted, and he shot Todd again, under the kneecap this time, and Todd screamed and fell. Dirk could hear himself yell Todd’s name, and suddenly he was between the guns just like Todd, sitting Todd upright again, covering the wound with his hands, saying it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay over and over again, and Todd had his eyes screwed shut but he didn’t stop screaming, and before Dirk realized it the screams had morphed into actual words.

“That’s not how you win a fight, you jerk ass piece of microwave pizza dough! You think you shut your opponents up, but nobody ’s your fucking opponents! No one’s out to ruin you! You made your life into this, the two of you on your own, and you’ll shoot everybody before you know to point your damn guns at each other—”

Todd’s fury was burning hot, and it contrasted with the cold Dirk felt on his back enough to turn his head around and meet Adrian’s eyes, finally wide, finally cold, and Jon was shouting but Todd’s voice still drowned his out, and there were footsteps from the stairs, and Adrian pulled the trigger but Dirk pushed Todd and himself off the bullet’s trajectory, and Jorji was practically crying, and—

—it was hard to tell another gun even went off, but when Dirk had sat up straight again, Adrian and Jon were both already on the floor, Adrian facing up on a pool of his own blood and Jon on his knees, an arm holding his own bleeding shoulder.

“Addie,” he mumbled, half-staring at his brother’s body (they were brothers. Dirk never even guessed that. They were brothers) through shallow huffs of breath.

Farah stood at the last step of the staircase still, breathing heavily, her eyes wide. Her gun had shifted from the corpse to Jorji. “Dirk, Todd,” she said, “oh my God.”

“Farah!” Dirk exclaimed, shaking Todd at the same time. “Oh, thank the stars you’re here… Todd was shot, and he needs his meds, and we all need sleep, but I did solve the case, and now we need to return to the old lady’s place, but first—”

“Let’s stop the bleeding first,” Farah said - she was right in front of them now, kneeling down next to Todd, and she had one hand on Todd’s knees already. Their in-car first aid kit laid open on her other side.

“Excellent plan of action Farah, just what I was about to suggest,” Dirk said, clapping his hands together. Both Farah and Jorji jumped a bit at the sudden noise, but Todd was deathly still again, eyes going from Dirk to Farah back to Dirk without his face ever moving. Dirk chewed on his lower lips.

A pair of scissors was thrusted into Dirk’s hands. “Cut Todd’s zip tie,” Farah said absentmindedly.

Todd’s hands were clasped together, tighter than must be comfortable. Dirk fumbled a bit, but got the blades to line up properly, and with a snip the plastic tie came off.

Todd’s hands didn’t move at all. They stayed clasped together, even as Todd stared at them with a single spare glance to Dirk in the middle. Dirk could tell he was clenching his teeth.

“It’s okay, Todd,” he reminded him, trying to not use the voice that could be easily misheard as talking-to-a-spooked-animal, “It’s alright, we’re not kidnapped anymore.”

Todd fixed his blue eyes on Dirk, and Dirk jumped at the anger still in it.

“If you don’t—” His expression shifted into a grimace, and Dirk was pretty sure he was biting on his own tongue, oh gosh, and for a long moment Dirk feared something coming. The 'nevermind' after, breathless, churned the tension into something else equally heavy. Todd looked down at his hands again, then unclasped them, let them fall onto his lap. He clenched and unclenched them, like he was not sure how they worked anymore. Or maybe he wasn’t sure how the rest of him worked.

“The scissors,” he mumbled, holding up a hand. Dirk brushed aside his nervousness to give him the scissors.

There was the sound of scuffle behind them, and Dirk looked back just in time to see Jorji throw Jon off them. They were dragging Adrian towards the apartment by his legs.

“I need to, I need.” They hiccupped. “I need to feed the fish.”

Jon was fumbling for his gun, but a shot from Farah skirting his hand deterred him. Farah looked over at Dirk, and it took him a few moments to realize she was asking for his input. He swallowed - his mouth was dry. He hadn’t noticed. The discomfort of it couldn’t compete with most things that had happened thus far, both to him and… well.

“Let’s not interfere with that,” he said, cocking his head towards Jorji.

Farah opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, then opened it again to say presumably something else. “Okay. Can you get Todd up?” She stood up after Dirk nodded. “Thanks, Dirk.”

She went to collect Adrian’s and Jon’s guns, while the man looked on in what seemed to be shell shock. Dirk looked at Todd just in time to see Todd’s weary exhale. His expression was still tense.

“Let’s go home, Todd,” Dirk said, gently (ha), to which Todd didn’t reply. He didn’t protest - or react much really - when Dirk draped his arm over the shoulder to pull him into a standing position. The way he gritted his teeth and hissed made Dirk grimace, but he never looked at Dirk.

He didn’t look at Dirk, or Farah when she came back to support his other side, and he didn’t look at them the rest of the way to Farah’s know-someone-who-knows-someone clinic.

“Drive me back to my apartment,” he said the moment they left the clinic.

Farah took a deep breath, while Dirk leaned forward with his hands on his thighs and said, “Actually, I am in a rare post-kidnapping mood that’s just perfect for a sleepover at the office! We still have ice cream in the mini fridge, and we can watch something while doing a review on this case— oh, I never even mentioned the solution to this case! We could start with that—”

The stare Todd was fixing on him effectively shut him up. Todd was still gritting his teeth, and he looked like he was seething now, but there was desperation mixed into the blue of his eyes.

Dirk swallowed.

They didn’t speak for the rest of the way.

When they arrived back at Dirk’s and Todd’s block, Farah followed them up to Todd’s floor. Dirk catched his eyes before the door was slammed on them.

“He had never looked like that before,” Dirk said. His stomach felt both heavy with anxiety and strangely empty. “This kidnapping went very badly, and I am not thrilled about many parts of it, but if there were one thing I’ve had enough of now…” He looked at Farah.

Farah definitely had a headache to worry about, if the way she pinched the bridge of her nose spoke of something. “There’s nothing I can tell you, Dirk. He usually just says what’s bothering him. What happened before I arrived?”

“He,” Dirk worried his lip, “ah, exploded.” He took a breath at Farah’s confused stare. “I think that is the appropriate way to word it. He ‘laid it on’ our kidnappers so viciously they kind of forgot they wanted to murder Jorji. The I-have-to-feed-the-fish person, if you recall.”

“Okay, okay,” Farah palmed her face, “we’re gonna review the case tomorrow. But if he… Okay, I only remember one moment during the two runaway months when he’s… exploded… on someone. But he was done with it then and there. He wasn’t like this,” she gestured towards the closed door, “after.”

Dirk just stood there, fidgeting with his hands. He opened his mouth, but then remembered the way Todd’s words cut off when he told him it’s okay in the hallway. He had an idea of what Todd was going to say. He couldn’t entertain it, not coupled with the way fury lit Todd’s eyes in an all-consuming fire, not when it was already choking him up as a mere suspicion.

Farah sighed. “I don’t want to leave him like this.”

That gave Dirk a direction to go in, and he grasped at it with desperation. “I’ll come in to check on him,” he said, clapping his hands together. “I still have spare keys to his apartment. Once I’ve made it inside, I will keep you updated.”

Farah looked at him, long and hard, and in the end she huffed. “I wish I’m better at this,” she said, softly. Shifting her stance, she took a deep breath, a hand on her hip. “I’ll count on you, Dirk. Send me an update before you go to sleep, okay? If there’s a problem, call.”

Dirk maintain eye contact as he nodded, and only remembered that Todd’s spare keys that he was entrusted with had been confiscated and thrown away along with his phone after she was already driving away.

“I’m climbing the window, Todd,” he knocked on the door and said.

The door opened when he was at the stairs. Todd popped his head out to look for him, and when he saw him walking back to the door again, made an aborted attempt to close it.

When Dirk was there again, hands behind his back, the most genuine smile he could muster on his lips, Todd forced a sigh out of himself. “I’m fine, Dirk,” he said. “Go home.”

“I very much do still want a sleepover,” Dirk said.

Todd brought a hand to his face. “Just— fuck.” That syllable was very heartfelt. “Just tell me what the fuck to say so you’ll go away.” He grimaced at his own words, which was fair, because they were mean. They were vicious, comparable to the words Todd shouted at Adrian and Jon, and they made tears well up in Dirk’s eyes. He blinked them away furiously, pushing the tightness in his lungs and the drop of his stomach away. He was in the middle of something here.

“I’m sorry,” Todd said, a moment later. “But you shouldn’t be here right now.”

“Todd,” Dirk said.

Todd just stared at him, lips pursed and eyes heavy with desperation and dread and anger still boiling, and Dirk couldn’t imagine it felt good to hold onto all that. “Why are you so ready to sit through all of this shit,” Todd mumbled. “What is— what the fuck is wrong with— why.”

“What is the ‘this shit’ you’re talking about, Todd,” Dirk said.

“All of this!” Todd raised his volume again, but he clamped it down immediately when Dirk flinched. “All of— the moment I open my mouth I’m gonna hurt you, Dirk! I didn’t start and it was all swell but then Adrian— and I started and you didn’t, you didn’t, you let me start, and now it’s not stopping ! Even when I look at Farah, even when you’re— right here ! Where I can fucking hurt you and destroy our friendship and never be able to stop myself, because it has boiled over. The fucking filth inside my head has boiled over. It’s— it’s just. Out.”

Dirk stood there, bewildered, as Todd’s breathing slowed even if it didn’t become less heavy. “I need to sit down,” he mumbled, and slid down the door onto the ground.

Dirk also sat down, because he was worried, and also he was still holding back tears. “Todd,” he said.

“Go home,” Todd mumbled.

“Whatever it is inside your head, it’s not filth.”

There was pain, both physically and soul-deep, mixed into the concoction of emotions in Todd’s eyes when he looked at Dirk again. “It’s not good. When you lie, you—” He choked on an inhale. “You learn to see people’s bad sides first. That’s what you work with. And then that’s what you remember of them. And then that’s what threatens to come out of your mouth, at all times. You have t— you have to try to not be an asshole.”

He palmed his face, and his next breath sounded like a sob.

“And now the lid is off, and without it I— you saw. And you—”

“—am still here,” Dirk finished that sentence for him.

Todd didn’t look up at him, but his hands clenched into fists on his thighs.

Dirk scooted in closer. “Here’s my reasoning,” he said, softly, and put a hand on Todd’s arm. “You were kidnapped, you were hit over the head, you went through two attacks, one without aid and one when you’ve missed a dose of medication, you were holed up in a van for three days, you were shot in the leg, and you went through all of that while confronting the people whose company you would never willingly be in. That pushed you over the line, and you ‘boiled over’ as you said. And yet,” he resolutely wiped his eyes with the back of his free hand and finished the speech, “you bit your tongue instead of saying something that’d hurt me. You’d rather close yourself up than risk being mean to me and Farah. This feeling, the anger, seems to take winding down, maybe an outlet, to leave, and I can see it doesn’t feel good to hold onto, but you turn it inward to protect us from it.”

Dirk squeezed Todd’s arm. Todd was looking at him now.

“Before the agency and Farah and you,” Dirk said, and well, he was crying. Slightly. He could still talk. “Nobody has ever been this considerate to me.”

“Your standards are too low,” Todd said.

“Maybe so, but! My point is, to say something is an action, Todd. The content of your thoughts is your business unless you make it mine as well, but your actions affect me visibly. And the result is good, positive, because you are my best friend! I’m your friend, and I want to be, and I appreciate the things you do, and I want to help and check on you, and,” Dirk swallowed. “I’m not leaving.”

Todd looked at him for a long time. He held the gaze, despite his eyes stinging a bit with tears. Todd’s eyes were wet too, but they had grown clearer.

“You’re incorrigible,” Todd said, small and a bit broken up, but fond. “And also sound like a daytime TV psychiatrist.”

Dirk grinned. “I went to a lot of therapy sessions,” he said. “Or, well, I listened in on a lot of therapy sessions. Was in the proximity of. Walked by. May I use your landline? I promised to text Farah, but we did both lose our phone.”

“She’s gonna drive over the moment the phone rings, and she’ll see us sitting here, and she’ll be so disappointed.”

“Then,” Dirk said, his hand still on Todd’s arm, warm, and he felt his heart lighten when the same warm reflected in Todd’s blue, blue eyes, “it’ll be the perfect opportunity for a sleepover.”

“Truth be told,” Dirk told Todd when he settled down next to him on the mattress, Farah already dozing off on the other side, the sound on the laptop they were watching Netflix on lowered to mostly whispers, “I was very impressed by some of the insults you used on Adrian and Jon. They were mean… but inspired.”

Todd snickered. “Thank yourself for it.”

“I, hum, don’t insult people? And definitely not in that fashion...” Dirk stared up at the ceiling.

“It’s not word for word, Jesus. It’s the method. You’re- you’re rubbing off on me.”

Dirk mulled the idea over, and decided that he liked it. “Sounds fantastic,” he said.

Todd’s huff was muffled through the blanket, but the light jab of elbow on his arm was affectionate. It made Dirk smile absently.

“Of course.”

[woildismyerster]

Can you write something with Jeremy heere? Maybe the reader steals his clothes a lot or something cute like that?

You know, I had more fun writing than this than I could possibly have expected.  I think it was the new audio bootleg.  Will Roland, ladies and gents.

Michael:  let’s go bowling after hanging at jeremys.  we can buy pizza

Y/N:  I dont have socks with me

Michael:  borrow jeremys

Y/N:  I literally dont want an std, dude

Jeremy:  pretty sure you dont know what an std is

Y/N:  sock transmitted disease

Michael:  shady tubesock disease

Jeremy:  it was your idea, Michael.  do you want to go bowling or not

Y/N:  fine.  Thx

It wasn’t that you didn’t like the idea of wearing Jeremy’s clothes (But seriously?  Socks? Really, Michael?  If not an STD, definitely something).  There were just some boundaries that had to be kept, right?

Like, friends can share clothes.  Totally.  But if, hypothetically, you were totally in love with that friend, you might not want to put yourself in a situation that turns you into a stricken mess of happiness and fantasy.

It was easy to imagine dating Jeremy.  He had never been good at casual relationships.  With crushes, it meant that he was all in.  With friends, it meant that you were immediately invited to his house, or the mall, or on errands that he didn’t like doing alone.  All it would take to be dating was to hold his hand, or kiss him on the doorstep, or to let him catch you ogling him without looking away after.

He would have to feel the same way as you, but that was easy to imagine when you were wearing something of his.  It was better not to open that door.

“Up.  All.  Night.”  You yawned between the words, and the boys smirked at you.

“I don’t think you could stay up for another hour,” Jeremy said.

“Is that a challenge?”  You tried to scan his face to see how serious he was, but you couldn’t get your eyes to open wide enough.  

Michael nudged you with his foot.  “Jer, I think it’s trying to communicate.”

“I always knew there wasn’t intelligent life on other planets.”

You scowled, but yawned again.  “I can do this.  Up all night.”

Michael glanced at his watch, at you, and at Jeremy.  “Maybe I should drive Y/N home.”

“That’s dumb,” you said.  “You’re sleeping over.  You’d be dropping me off, just to come back here.  I’ll just walk home, like always.”

“Absolutely not,” Jeremy snorted.  “You can’t walk home like this.  You’d pass out in some bush.”

“No,” you said.

“Yes,” he said.  Jeremy frowned, glancing up the basement stairs, and shrugged.  “Just sleep over.  My dad won’t care, since Michael is here too.”

“I don’t have my stuff.”

“You can borrow mine,” Jeremy said immediately.

You could hardly keep your eyes open long enough to get dressed in some of his clothes.  When you staggered back down the stairs, you collapsed on the floor between the bean bag chairs.  

“G’night,” you mumbled.  The boys said something back, but you were gone before you could figure out what.

When you woke up in the morning, everything smelled like Jeremy.  The clothes, the blanket somebody had draped over you, and the leg that you face was pressed into.  You sat up immediately, eyes wide.  Jeremy had slept in his chair next to you.  Michael was gone, so either Jeremy had stayed because he wanted to sleep by you, or you had fallen asleep on him and he refused to move.

You grinned at him.  His mouth was open a little, head tilted back.  You wanted to touch him, to thank him, but you settled for covering him with your blanket before padding up the stairs to find food.

Y/N:  thanks for letting me wear your pjs

Jeremy:  dont sweat it

Y/N:  if you ever need to borrow mine, just ask

Jeremy:  yeah, not gonna happen

Y/N:  yeah, that’s a whole other fantasy

“You want,” he said carefully, “to borrow my clothes.”

You set your jaw, scowling at the way his eyebrows skyrocketed.  “Of course I do.  I’m soaked.  You asked me to walk here, in the rain, to break in a new game with you.”

“You should have brought your own change of clothes,” he mumbled.  You saw the way he bit his lip, looking toward his bedroom, and realized why he was so hesitant.  Jeremy was terrible about doing laundry.  It was disgusting.  If he was hogging his clothes, it was probably because he didn’t have any he felt comfortable giving to you.  

“Jeremy,” you said with a sugary smile.  “You know I love it when you’re stupid for no reason.  It’s adorable.  But if you don’t get me dry clothes, I’ll just take off the wet clothes.”

“You wouldn’t,” he said with narrowed eyes.

“I’m sure your dad wouldn’t care,” you crooned.  “I’ve seen him in his underwear.  Why not return the favor?”

“Hold on,” he rushed, darting away.

When he came back, it was with sweatpants and an Eminem shirt.

“Really?  Eminem is the worst.  He’s terrible to-”

“To women, I know,” he mumbled.  “I don’t wear it - it’s just a memento.”

“From what?”

“Something,” he said.  “Do you want to wear it or not?”

You silently walked into the bathroom to change.  Jeremy threw your clothes in the dryer, hooked up the game, and said nothing about what he thought of you in his clothes.  You said nothing when you noticed him taking a picture of you, but it did make your chest feel light and twirly for the rest of the night.

Michael:  jeremy should just buy 2 of everything.  you practically take everything he has already

Y/N:  strong words from the guy who pushes me to borrow his stuff

Michael:  i could stop

Y/N:  you could, but i wouldnt

Michael:  youre a monster

Y/N:  you made me like this

It was funny: you wouldn’t have been sad to leave your dad if he had been the one to drop you off at the airport.  You would have hugged him goodbye, rolled your eyes when he told you to be safe, to make good decisions.

(“Jesus, Dad, I’m going to Grandma’s.  Alone.  There’s nothing bad to do, and nobody to do it with.  Chill.”)

Your dad could not drop you off at the airport.  He would be working at the time of your flight, and he said that he could trust you to get there on your own.  You could take a bus, or call an Uber.

When Michael heard, he decided to drop you off himself.  He and Jeremy would see you off, and no discouragement on your part could make him change his mind.

Standing in the airport with the two of them, you were sad to leave.

You scuffed your feet along the tiles.  “Well, I guess this is it.  You’ll never see me again.”

“For two weeks,” Michael sighed.  “I can’t believe you’re leaving me alone with Jeremy.”

“You’ve lived with that before,” you said solemnly.  “What’s another fourteen days?”

Jeremy frowned at your outfit choice.  “Is that really what you’re wearing on the plane?  What happened to comfort clothes?”

“It’s only for a few hours.  I can handle regular clothes.”

“Planes are cold,” he said.  “Aren’t you taking a jacket?”

“It’s July,” you scoffed, but he was already shrugging off his zip-up sweatshirt.  You had made fun of him for wearing it in the middle of the summer, but part of you wondered if he had been planning on something like this.

“Planes are cold year-round,” he said.

You accepted his offering, shoving your smile beneath a scowl.  Before you could thank him, or kiss him goodbye, or maybe call him a goblin in a terrible attempt to cover up the first two desires, the first boarding call sounded.  “I guess this is it.  For real, this time.”

“You’ll come back to me after the war, won’t you, darling?”  Michael put on a southern accent, but something about the way he shaped the words made him sound more New Jersey than ever.

“Really, man?”  Jeremy slugged him in the arm.  “After I gave Y/N a token of my affection?  Lousy timing.”

“Tell you what,” you said.  “I’ll come back for both of you.”

“But mostly me.  To give back the sweater,” Jeremy said.

You shrugged it on.  “I might keep it.”

“You better not,” he said.  When he hugged you goodbye, you pretended to cry.  It gave you an excuse to breathe in deep, to breathe him in.

You texted him while you were gone to tell him that you would keep the sweatshirt for the rest of always.  He told you that he wanted it back, but that he would return it once it smelled like him again.  You told him that you didn’t care about the smell.  It was a lie.

“Another slumber party,” you crooned.  “Love.”

“Don’t call it a slumber party,” Jeremy scowled.  “I’m a man.  Michael is a man.  We have manly hang outs.”

“Slumber party,” you said cheerily.  “Awesome.  I’ll just go home to pack a bag.”

Jeremy’s feet shuffled.  You had walked to his house to lend him a movie, but the two of you had been standing in his yard for an hour.  “No need.  You’re already here.”

You snorted.  “Here, Heere.”

“Shut up,” he sighed.  “For real, though.  No point going home when I have everything you need here.  Michael will be here soon, anyway.”

You grinned at him, nudging his side.  “You just like seeing me in your clothes.”

Silence.

“Oh my God.”

His cheeks burned.  “No!”

“You actually like seeing me in your clothes,” you said, gaping at him.  Your stomach kicked with delight.

“No, really, I -”

“I had no idea that it does it for you.”

“God, Y/N, you’re making it sound weird,” he said.  He ran his hand through his hair, making the short strands stand straight up.  “Seriously, it’s nothing.  Like, I’ll bet every guy feels like that.”

“Whatever you say, Jer,” you said.  “I’ll be back in, like, ten minutes.”

You took a step backward, but he grabbed your wrist.  You were going to ask him what he was doing, but he answered the question on his own by tugging you back to him, cupping your face in his hands, and kissing you.

“Oh,” you said.

“Yeah,” he squeaked.

“Maybe I’ll just - you know, just stay here.”

He smiled then, running one of his thumbs over your bottom lip.  “Yeah.”

[yellowsounds124-blog]

----

I have something I need to share. Not with you, with someone else but that'll never happen, its simply not possible, but I need this off my chest and dont have a safe place for it. With your stance on abortion, I figured you would be a good place, sense you wont see the fetus in this story as a "clump of cells" Growing up, my dad was not okay. He was abusive. It took me years and years to say this because through all the running away and calling the police, not going home- I was told over and over that it was fine because he wasnt raping me or punching me in the face. The pushing, screaming inches from my face, tearing apart my stuff, throwing things at me, making me change in front of him, refusing to be by me in public if I didnt look good enough...didnt matter. I was told I was being ridiculous and should be greatful. My friends.. I would beg them please dont leave me alone with him if he ask you to leave the room. But they always would what were they suppose to do? I wouldnt be allowed to talk to anyone to go out for months at a time. So there was a huge foundation of fear, and protecting myself. At some point, i met this guy (brother of my friend), and I just loved him, and he loved me to. He was a POC, once we started with each other his sister hated me for some reason, which made his mom hate me. And my parents hated him (I later figured this was a race and class thing for my father) so being together involved a lot of sneaking around, a lot of giving up, a lot of trying again, the sneaking around would get me in more trouble, especially if it was known it was with him. At this point, I didnt tell anyone how bad it was, I started self mutation. If I wasnt with him (we will call him Kay for the sake of thevstory) I would do any drug I could get and have sex or mess with whoever showed interest (well almost). It was how I would cope as I didnt think I could tell anyone. How could I say anything about what I was going through when I had a friend being raped by her brother, a friend who's dad just up and left, a friend whos mom called her fat and made her diet? I was literally a wreck and the worst part of the cycle was being this wreck made him more angry, he'd treat me worse, and I'd further wreck myself. So about Kay, we went on and off for years, then he moved in with a friend who was only a street away, I wasnt at a 8-3 school anymore and he graduated do it was really easy to be together. I immediately broke up with this other guy I was seeing (we will call him Colin) that my dad liked so I would use him to be able to leave the house ect so I could be with Kay. It was only a month and a half of perfection before it started falling apart. Kay wanted to talk to my father, he didnt know what things were like except that he didnt like him. He thought he could talk to him about how much he loved me and make things better, and I freaked out. He knew I was hurting myself, a few months before my father** had saw the marks and yelled at me asking if I was crazy, asking what the hell was wrong with me, telling me it was disgusting and I stayed in a padded room for a night before being released sense I wasnt suicidal, and Kay saw on my body that I had found a new more hidden place after that incident. He thought he could save me, and we would get married and be happy, but I knew if he went to talk to my father that my father would send him off and I would pay for trying such a thing. * That's when I made multiple huge mistakes that I havent shared with people, 9 years later. First, i broke up with him and told him i didnt even like him and needed time to discover myself,stuff like that. I never stopped loving him. To this day, I'm sure I'd still fall apart at his touch. *Within that same week, I missed my period, I again wasnt able to leave the house, I bought a tested while at the store with my mom, was caught and ordered to take it as soon as we were back. This was bad because if it was negative, I was going to be in trouble for basically no reason. And again this "trouble" wasnt normal. It meant my things wouldbe torn apart. I would be held down and screamed at, spit on not allowed to talk. But it wasnt negative, it was positive. And my mom was waiting downstairs, and I knew this only had a small handful of outcomes. Either they would send me off and have me give the baby up for adoption while being under close watch the whole time, or they would make me get rid of the baby. Abortion. So I did the first thing that came to mind, I called Colin. I told him I was pregnant and it was his. And that I couldnt talk right now. Then I told my mom, and immediately told her that Colin knew. To me, this was security. If he knew, someone would be checking in on me, he would tell his parents, another adult would he involved, if I disappeared there would be questions. And I knew I was right because I told my mom he knew and immediately she was upset I did that. I went in for an ultrasound, found out how far I was, quickly gave Colin a photo and shut the door on him. And the problems started. The dates dont match up, Colin said. I told him hes wrong. His parents wanted a paternity test, I said that's not possible itll hurt the baby. They claimed it wouldnt. I convinced Colin it was his and I just knew. He knew i had been seeing Kay but took my word.Then i heard from Kay, he heard I was pregnant. If he even thought it was his he would be at my door, trying to figure things out, trying to talk to my parents. But my father would not respect him the way he would Colin, so if anyone knew it was Kay's, I would be hurt, punished, sent away. I was terrified, I cant even explain the level of panic I had for my safety. I told Kay it wasnt his, there was no single way, and to leave me alone forever. It hurt so much to tell him that, it felt so wrong and I hated it and I knew it hurt him and I was so broken over it. After that, i was still stuck. The dates didnt match, Colin's parents wanted a paternity test, *the baby was partly a POC and might not come out white, so I wouldnt be able to pass them off as Colin's. I couldnt sleep. My father wasmt speaking to me and wasnt even around, really. I stayed in my room. My parents were pushing for me to get an abortion. "Were just going to the clinic so you can see what its like" my mom said when she took me to the abortion clinic. It was down a stair case, there were no protesters. They took my blood, they walked me through everything and asked when they could set up an appointment. They asked me one time if I wanted to do this, in front of my mom who stared me down. When she brought me back, she paid extra for them to put me to sleep. While I waited with the IV and the last ultra sound pictures I'd have done, I started crying. My mom wasnt there for this part, a nurse asked me why I was crying, she was so angry about it. I said sorry and tried to stop. She didnt ask if i wanted to do this, no one told me that i was at the point where the baby was like a small miniature looking baby, only slightly misshapen. No one told me it had tiny hands and feet, or what they would do with it afterward. And no one made sure i wanted this. When I went in the room I was alone with a Male doctor, and I remember how unusual that was as I had always been asked if I wanted someone else in the room if left with a Male doctor. And I laid on the doctor bed, and I remember think I should say something, this is my last chance, and then I was asleep. When I woke up I was given pads, they told my mom, not me, even though I was 17, that I would bleed for a few days. I never went to the check up appointment. I stayed in my room, I scanned every blood clot for a piece of the baby. I slept and cried, when I heard from Colin I told him that I lost the baby. That's all. I lost the baby. People spread rumors it wasnt ever real. I didn't care. I didnt leave my room. I didnt shower, I barely ate. I gave up Kay, and all my friends connected to him, Colin started dating my bestfriend and they talked shit about me, I lost everyone connected to them. I was just alone. My father came back and was around more. They never talked to me about it, never asked if I was okay. I was like that for months, before finding friends online, forcing myself to listen to happy music, go out, pretending. Fake it till you make it. I met two people, we will call Slw and Ice- who helped me in that time more than they will ever know because they didnt know about it. Slw once asked why we didnt hang out with my friends and I got really upset with him but they both helped me so much. Ice reminded me it was okay to hurt and not be okay, he just didnt know what about. I made more friends, I am so greatful for every single one because they are the only reason I dudnt take my own life in those following years. Things got bad again. I got bad. I am better now, I have kids. People say I am a good mom. But ever sense "getting better" I think about that baby everyday. I worry life will take one of my babies that are here because I let that one die. How can I be a good mom when I let that happen? And I dont deserve them. And I am so sorry to that child. I could have found another way. I could have spoke more. That childs dad would have loved them and had no choice. I hate myself for this, every day. And again, have no where to go to talk about it. Like I said I just needed to get it off my chest because it eats me alive, everyday. Regardless of if people think abortion is right or wrong. To me, I know I got rid of a baby with a future, and its minimalized.

[unknowngirl199424-blog]

Pt. 3

Now being the pretty innocent girl i was. I smoked weed very occasionally. Drank every now and then. But that was it really. I smoked cigs. Stupid choice i made at an even more stupid young age. I was 13 when i tried it. 15 when i started smoking every day. (My parents knew, they didn't care) my younger sister had been smoking for years. She partied a lot. Drank a lot. Smoked a lot. Took a lot of pills. Would steal my moms pain pills that she needed from the back surgeries. Mom would run out at the end of the month and would bawl... Literally wail in pain. And it never stopped my sister. I caught her several times. Id get pissed. Ask her wtf she was doing, or why... But she never stopped. I never told... I was drowning in depression. It started when i was 13. After my grandma passed. I changed... She was my world.

My parents partied ALOT!

Used LOTS of drugs...

Ranging from just weed, to coke, to meth...

The first half of my life... From birth till... 14? I think was when they quit all the hard shit for good. They were just... Mom and dad. I mean i loved them, i respected them, but... I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was normal for me to walk in and see light bulbs just randomly on the coffee table.

It was normal for me to wake my sis up in the morning, helping her get dressed, teeth brushed, food in her belly and out the door waiting on the bus. Every day. We lived in the country about 20 miles from town where our friends were. So all we had was each other. In the summer as soon as the sun started to show, 7:00ish. My parents would rush into our room. One would wake up me while the other would wake my sister. Rush us up and to get dressed and outside. We'd be outside alllllllllll day long in the summer in Oklahoma heat. They'd have friends over and lock the doors. We played. Sometimes the friends would bring their kids and we'd run around and play all day. I was a tom boy. I had scarred bloody knees almost daily from wrecking my bike. Would just walk around the property we lived on. Played with our dogs. Pissed off snakes that liked to live in the barn or chicken coop. I ran a lot. BUT IT WAS NORMAL TO ME. They started to quit when i was 12. Then grandma passed. They started again. Didn't stop for good until mom was hurt and dad was fired for pissing dirty for weed, coke, and meth. He was rehired 6 months later. But shit was rough at the time. So after losing my grandma. I went into myself. She loved me, took care of me. Gave me what i wanted and needed. I basically broke. I was never really an over joyous kid. I was raped and molested by my cousin. And so i always carried pain. But grandma was who made me happy. She passed. And from that point in my life from 13 to 18. I cut a lot. I was emotionless most days. But some days I'd break and cry for hours. For the longest time i thought i was depressed because of grandma. But i realized... Depression is a disease. And once you get a good dose of it, it stays. It twists and folds and wiggles its way into every fibre of your being and clings. And bad things that go on add to it and over time, you are eye level deep terrified you're gonna go under soon and no one will notice. Well over the years shit was added. Once I realised i could.... Not feel the pain and sadness... I latched on. Over time the occasional smoking weed went to every day several times a day. Drinking came up for awhile but i hated feeling like shit the next day so i quit. My ex gave me a pain pill one day.

I realised that not only could i get away from the pain and depression, i could feel fucking amazing while doing so. So it started out ya know. Once a week. Just one. To 2 a week to 4 a week to at least 1 every day. When we went up north. Pills were every where. Drugs in general. And i wanted to experience things. We had fun. Went lots of places. Did lots of things. Parties, festivals, fairs, amusement parks, museums, art museums, craft fairs, art stores, book stores, malls, movie theaters.. Just... it was great. I met her friends. They were like her. We partied a lot. I was soley living in the moment for once instead of striving to please everyone else. It was a stupid choice. But it was my choice. Over the years. The fun with it stopped... it became a nessecity. She got shitty and mean sober and i was just as miserable. I wanted happiness not that. Her dad would give us pain pills every day and muscle relaxers. If we did literally anything for him he'd pay us in pills. My ex was also prescribed pain pills too! We'd go through them so quick and then he'd give them to us so we didn't go through withdrawal. By year 3 (2015) I'm 21. I'm working a few months here a few months there. Living the same daily cycle. My day didn't start until pills were thrown down my throat. The habit got bad. I was to a point i was taking fucking handfulls of pills. Daily. And didn't feel ok until then. The few days i didn't have them, i literally slept all day and all night. I was burying my issues with a dark coping mechanism.

I started falling out of love. I left her once last year and we got back together the next day. I told her she couldn't keep stopping me from leaving because it was making me hate her. She wouldnt let go. We stayed together for 4 months. I broke up with her and moved back to oklahoma the beginning of this year. But she was my comfort. Pills were my comfort. After being here for 4 months i let her come back. It was bad. I got back into pills again and one day i told her i didn't want to be with her anyone. She was here for a month at that point. But she wasn't trying to work. She wouldn't do anything. But look for pills. I told her i was done. She gave me some pills. I didn't know what they were but she told me they were for anxiety. And i was really upset. So i took them. We kept arguing. She kept giving me more. My parents stopped by to drop something off, i guess i was wayyyyy out of it. They leave. The fight blows up. I tell her i want her gone. She kept refusing. Idk what happened. It was like a light switch went off. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and sliced my wrist up for the first time ever... I only cut my stomach and thighs as a teen. She came around the corner and saw what i was doing and broke a glass vase i had. She ran over and grabbed the blade. Started yanking it from me. I guess we fought over it pretty hard cuz all i remember was it flying across the room and when i got back 6 days later it was soooo bent up.

She kept going and going and i grabbed a piece of glass and cut, she got it away and i just collapsed to the floor. She tried hugging me. I screamed at her for being toxic for me. To not touch me. To just call my mom. My mom shows up. Its like 11:30 at night at this point and she freaks out. My ex starts shit with her. They argue. I scream at them that they needed to stop and mom took me to the er. I guess by that point i was in and out of consciousness. One thing i do remember was seeing an old teacher that i had from yearrrrs ago when i went to a vocational school to become a certified nurse aid. I really looked up to her at 17. Admired her. She was a Dr there in the er. It was humialting. I cried. I guess i pissed in a cup for em or something. I don't remember. But they told my mom (which i didn't find out till almost a week later) that i was overdosing. That all of what i took hadn't caught up and that's why i was talking really crazy and blacking out. I don't remember. But the next morning i wake up. There was a cop sitting next to my bed. 20 mins later im being handcuffed and put in a cruiser and drove over a hr to a phych place. Guess the dr asked me the night before what would happen if i went home and i said i didn't know. So they legally put me there for 5 days so i couldn't be any harm to myself.

5 good things about being put there.

1. I had no access to pills, alcohol, even cigarettes. So i was very very clear headed. The first time in almost 6 years. Had time to think about where tf my life has landed me.

2. I realized how fucking truly bad our relationship was. And came to the conclusion that if we stayed together. One, if not both of us was gonna end up in a casket. Whether it be from pills or not. It was gonna happen.

3. I realized that i deserved wayyyy better. Relationship wise. Life wise. I deserved someone who could push me in the healthy direction. Make positive choices. I felt like instead of maturing, i was still trapped in an 18 yr olds mentality.

4. I ended it. And that time i meant it. There's nothing she could offer me. That would make me go back. Not a million dollars, not a billion, not even all the stars in the sky. I have nothing for her.

5. I met someone who treats me amazing now. Who pushes me. Keeps me away from the shit. I've been pain pill free for 5 months and its staying that way.

And for once... I'm starting to actually feel happy. Genuinely. I was prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety, and a sleep disorder med. I stopped taking the anti depressants because they made it worse. But im to the point where the good days finally out weigh the bad. And when the bad come, i roll with it.

For the new year. I have a few goals.

1. Continue all the hard work ive put into myself. Keep eating healthy. Keep exercising. Keep pushing myself forward. No more settling for less what what i truly want.

2. Stay tf away from pain pills. 👍 keep fighting that demon in me who whispers how good I would feel or how one wouldn't hurt...

3. Quit smoking cigs. They're killing me. My lungs hurt all the time.

4. Continue bettering my life. I got away from her for 4 months and i had my own home, vehicle, and a high paying easy job. Brought her back for a month, had a suicidal moment. But she's gone and im in a great relationship. And I'm fucking HAPPY!

5. Quit being so fucking hard on myself. I hate the way i look, i hate my body. But they can be changed. Stress over things that need it but relax more. I'm 24. I still have time.

I STILL HAVE FUCKIN TIME

[rebelredcarnationn]

all the ask questions. i want the juice

ahahaha ok this should be fun

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…

-- I LOVE YOU BIIITCH, AND I AINT NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU BITCHHHHH2: Did you get to sleep in today?

-- nope i went to bed a little after 6 am and then had to wake up at 8:30

3: You never know what you got until you lose it?

-- wot? not sure what this means

4: Do you have siblings?

-- yee i have one older sister

5: How many kids do you want?

-- 2 probs

6: Who was the last person you held hands with?

-- uhm? i havent really held hands with people i dont think lol

7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?

-- nope

8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care?

-- yeah i think so

9: Last person to talk on the phone?

-- my dad lol

10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?

-- not that i know of

11: When’s your birthday?

-- very close to the troye sivan concert

12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?

-- yes it wasnt that long ago

13: What kind of phone do you have?

-- iphone 7

14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

-- im wearing athletic shorts because i just got home from gymnastics

15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?

-- oHHHH YEAH

16: What were you doing at 4 am?

-- idk probably crying hahah #relatableteen amirite

17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?

-- write a paper 10/10

18: Are you lying to yourself about something?

-- more or less

19: Last night you felt…?

-- mostly sad, scared, anxious

20: What’s something you cannot wait for?

-- all the concerts im going to this year (p!atd, troye sivan, twenty one pilots)

21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?

-- no im a goody two shoes oops, also they track me so

22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

-- almost 2 and a half

23: Are you a morning or night person?

-- night 100%

24: What did you get your last bruise from?

-- gymnastics probably

25: Do you reply to all of your texts?

-- eventually

26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?

-- i would hope that i would pick up lol

27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

-- no

28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with?

-- nope just fixed that yesterday lol

29: How many months until your birthday?

-- including this month 4

30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

-- uhm i eat peanut butter just like on a spoon most of the time

31: Did you like this past summer?

-- nothing im stressed and i miss my friends and i miss having stuff to do and i could go on for a while

32: What were you doing before you got on the computer?

-- eating yogurt and looking at instagram lol

33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do?

-- i dont have an ex lol, but i would probably just like leave depending on how recent it was

34: What is the last thing you said out loud?

-- “do you ship drarry?” (she said no, we are no longer sisters)

35: Your mood summed into one work?

-- word? im assuming? ok well, uh ‘sad’ lol

36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey?

-- listening to paramore

37: What are your initials?

-- CJ

38: Are you a happy person?

-- no pft

39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago?

-- i dont think i liked anyone 4 months ago?

40: Where do you want to live when your older?

-- the uk

41: Have you had your birthday this year?

-- not yet

42: What did you do yesterday?

-- ha i sat outside in a hammock in the rain for about 4 hours and watched the world cup

43: What will you be doing tomorrow?

-- uh hopefully watching harry potter 

44: How late did you stay up last night?

-- more like stayed up early, 6 am ish

45: Is there anyone you would do anything for?

-- yes

46: Is it hard to make you laugh?

-- no lol

47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends?

-- yes 100%

48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again?

-- dont have an ex

49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012?

-- dude all i remember about 2012 is the london olympics lol

50: Do you wish your ex was dead?

-- dont have one, but i dont wish anyone was dead

51: Have you ever dyed your hair?

-- yeah its red rn im probably doing purple next but im not sure leave sugguestions

52: Would ever take back someone that cheated?

-- depends on circumstances and the amount of time but probably not

53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable?

-- yeah i sat under a blanket with my friend and watched it on tv lol

54: Bet you’re missing someone right now?

-- haha yeah and i shouldnt be rip

55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?

-- oh ive had this conversation with them they wouldnt pay for my college or wedding

56: Sleep on your back or stomach?

-- all of the above but mostly side

57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be ?

-- uk

58: What would you change about your life right now?

-- uh my emotions and my friends emotions

59: Has anything upset you in the past week?

-- i get upset every day lmao bet

60: Are you on the phone?

-- nope

61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back?

-- forward

62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?

-- money

63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?

-- yeah lol

64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

-- yeah like last week

65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework?

-- yeah who hasnt

66: Are you the type of person who likes to be out or at home?

- at home lol

67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up?

-- yeep

68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?

-- oh yeah multiple times

69: Could you use some sleep right now?

-- yeah ill probably take a nap later tbh

70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?

-- no i hope not

71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?

-- i mean yeah?

72: What’s your favorite color?

-- purple, black and red

73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked?

-- uhm ive only ever liked one person in my life and we havent had a sleepover in a long time

74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?

-- oh all the time

75: Do you get annoyed easily?

-- yeah lol

76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?

-- YES YES YES

77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?

-- i wouldnt entirely say opposite but yeah pretty much

78: Does anyone call you babe?

-- no one does romantically

79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

-- again with the opposite sex my dude, but i fully trust like 2 people

80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand?

-- relationship

81: What color hoodie did you wear last?

- im wearing a gray one rn

82: Is there someone who meant alot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore?

-- yeah rip

that was fun thanks!!

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

[chocolatemillkk]

Request: Can you do an imagine where the readers pregnant? And she doesn’t wanna tell joe? But with a happy ending 😂

Here it is! 💙 The request was a little vague but I did my best.

—————————————-

I had been working late the last week, making up excuses so I wouldn’t have to face Joe. It’s not like I owed him anything, he wasn’t even my boyfriend-but I missed him and based on his texts, he missed me too.

Only for your body, the negative voice in my head reminds me.

It was complicated-isn’t that the premise of every cliche romance ever? But it was complicated! Joe and I knew each other for years, we were clearly attracted to one another but one of us was always in a relationship when the other wasn’t. When Joe finally broke up with his last girlfriend and showed up at my door with puppy eyes, I comforted him and that comforting led to the bedroom and that led to our secret relationship. No body knew-we’d always been close so if anyone did show up unexpectedly in the mornings, they just assumed I “slept over.”

We decided it was best to keep the relationship without any titles, even though deep down I wanted to be exclusive. I knew that Joe broke up with the girlfriends who didn’t break up with him first, because things were getting too serious. He always told me his career was important to him and I took that into consideration the first time we slept together. But now, somehow-no, probably the night we were too drunk to remember protection-I found myself pregnant. Pregnant with someone who didn’t even want me to be his girlfriend, who probably would not be able to handle a baby right now because he had one of his own-his Youtube channel.

My phone dings again-“what are you doing at work on a Friday?” Joe.

“Just busy” i quickly text back

He doesn’t respond for a while and I assume he’s dropped it until I get another text.

-Come down to the lobby

I panic “why?”

-Idc if youre busy i’m taking you out and then maybe my place after?

My heart beats erratically and I put my hand to my chest. Then it slides down to my stomach, there was a baby in there. Our baby. I feel a tear slip down my cheek before I swipe it away and respond-“be down in a min”

There was no way I could avoid this. I gather all my courage and take the lift down. I see Joe chatting with security, both of them laughing, and I want to cry all over again. I wish things didn’t have to be so complicated and I could laugh with them.

Joe catches my eye first and his face lights up, “Y/N!”

I embrace him and wave goodnight to the security guard.

“You look beautiful as always, I’ve missed you.” Joe wraps his arm around me as we exit the building and into the chilly evening air. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah!” I say quickly. “Are you alright?”

Joe ignored the question as he looks me over, “Y/N, were you crying? You sure you’re alright?”

I fake a laugh, “Crying? No of course not I’m fine…just stressed out I guess.”

“You need to come home more often, I might be able to help with the stress,” Joe chuckles as he pulls me in and kisses my forhead affectionately.

“I guess, yeah.” I fight back more tears, this baby was making me too emotional.

We end up at a bar, as I feared, and Joe orders me my usual alcoholic beverage. I take it from him so as not to raise suspicion but as soon as he goest in search of his friends I run to the bathroom. The sweet smell of alcohol made me hurl and in the process, I drip my drink out. When I find Joe, he’s talking to Caspar.

“Hey Y/N! Long time! Are you alright you look a little pale?” Caspar leans in for a hug. I assure him I was fine and join in on the conversation. Conor shows up out of nowhere in the midde and shoves a drink in my face.

“Y/N I know you like fruity drinks try this one! I bought it for a girl but I was rejected,” Conor pretends to look crushed but I’m unable to laugh because my gag reflexes suddenly decide to react.

“Y/N?” They ask as I run out into the streets and gulp in the fresh air, leaning over the curb just in case. I’m trailed by the boys, concern etched on their faces.

“Y/N drank one too many drinks?” I overhear Conor behind me, he and Caspar laugh. There’s a series of patting on my back and they tell me they’ll meet me inside. I don’t intend on going back.

“Hey,” a soft voice behind me says. “Y/N, look at me.”

I slowly turn towards Joe, I’m still feeling woozy and my cheeks are flushed. “I’m gonna head home.”

“Y/N,” he says sternly. “Something’s the matter.” I try to deny it but I can see his agitation rise and suddenly so does mine. Why did I have to deal with this? I loved Joe! Why couldn’t we just be together? It took us five years to finally get together and when we did, it would tear us apart.

“Just don’t worry about me!” I explode. “Actually, Joe…just leave me alone altogether!”

“What are you on about? Why don’t you just talk to me?! There’s been something wrong all week that’s why you’ve been avoiding me-I knew it.” Joe’s shouting by now and the veins in his neck stick out.

“I don’t want to talk about it! We’re done Joe Sugg! Whatever fcked up thing we had between us is over.” I cry without meaning to-hormones, I curse.

Joe grabs my wrist and pulls me back to him, pushing the hair behind my ear gently. “What we had wasn’t fcked up, what we have is amazing! I don’t understand why are you saying all this right now?”

“I’m pregnant Joe!” I blurt out. His face goes slack-jawed and I push away from him. “We screwed up and now I’m pregnant and you don’t need this right now and I get that-”

“When?” Joe asks.

“Who cares?” I throw up my hands. “I already know how you feel about all this! We’ve talked about your plans and kids aren’t even in it until you’re 30 remember?” I turn but Joe pulls me back once again.

“Y/N,” his face looks concerned as he cups my face in his hands. “I love you.”

My reaction is physical, I jerk away from his touch and I can feel myself backpeddle away. “How dare you? After all we’ve been through you had a million chances to say those three words and now when you think it’ll calm me down-you’re manipulating me with them?! If you loved me Joe you would have made us official the second we slept together! You said you wanted to keep the relationship open, so it’s not ‘weighed down with expectation’ and that’s what we did! how can you love someone and create a relationship with them like that?”

I’m a crying, stuttering mess and I’ve lost what I’m trying to say in the midst of it. Joe keeps trying to talk but I forge on, I had to let it out. When I’m done he looks at me with tears in his eyes.

“I was scared,” he says simply.

“Well maybe if you weren’t we could’ve done this the proper way. Maybe then we wouldnt have to wait to be drunk or secretly away to sleep together. Maybe then I wouldn’t have your baby growing inside of me!”

I storm off and Joe calls after me but he doesn’t follow. I think he knew me well enough to know I needed time alone. I didn’t want to see him. Or talk to him. When I make it home I cry my heart out, this baby was happening whether Joe liked it or not and it was time to focus on me and her. Or him. Gods.

•••

Two weeks fly by, I start waking up with morning sickness and my baby bump is still quite invisible but I like putting my hand on it. I still cry all the time, I missed Joe. He was my friend before we slept together and not talking to him meant having no one to text during the day about the stupid things. He texts me the morning after to talk but I ignore it. I don’t pick up his calls or return his messages so he texts me every morning. He sends one thing he loves about me. It starts out like this:

-You were the only one who laughed at my joke the first time we met and that felt like my greatest achievement

-You genuinely listen to all my creative ideas and tell me when theyre absolute rubbish

-You like the cream filling in the biscuits where I like the cookie part

-You never complain when I cancel on you for work-you supported me from the start and continue to

-You wear your hair up when you’re ready to work and tug at it until it pools around your shoulders anyway. And then you complain about getting your hair cut shorter

-You cry at puppy videos

-I can be myself around you

-Cuddling when I’m feeling under the weather

-You’re selfless and kind with a heart of gold

-Even when I was a complete arse and suggested a casual relationship because I was too afraid what loving you meant, you agreed because you thought it would keep me happy and us healthy

-I could never see my life with anyone but you. I’ve digested what you told me and screw my five year plan. I want to face life with only you by my side.

The last two texts are sent on Sunday. I spend the whole day rereading them, I would be an idiot to think Joe was lying or trying to manipulate me. He could have just told me to deal with it and never seen me again, it’s not like we worked together or lived together. But he loved me and if he says all these things…

-I don’t want you to just be saying this because you think you have to, I text.

-I love you Y/N. I love you I love you I love you like crazy, woman!

I laugh to myself, I could imagine Joe saying what he texts and my heart beats for him. Maybe we could make this work. But this was also terrifying: we were two children trying to be adults-how were we gonna become parents.

-I’m scared whether we can make this work, I text him

I watch as the three dots appear, then disappear. Joe writes another text, and then it disappears. I sink into my pillow, what if he was having second thoughts? But instead, he proves me wrong again.

-We can make anything work as long as we work it out together. Please, love. Just come home.

And in the end, it’s not the three words I thought I wanted to hear that drives me back into Joe Sugg’s arms. It’s those three words he texts me last that makes me pick up my phone and finally ring him.

“Home sounds really nice,” I say when he picks up. “I’ve missed it.”

“It’s missed you,” Joe replies smoothly. “And it’s ready to grow for one more person.”

I can’t help but grin as I place my hand on my belly, “I like the sound of that.”

[evellyynn7]

That Night pt.2 of Meeting Mr. Wrong

            “It all started on a dark and cold night, November 7th to be exact.” I said very quietly almost regretting doing this. Dean was such a good listener, his eyes looked at me with such compassion as i told the whole story.

          “Lets do something crazy tonight guys!... unless some of you are gonna be little wusses” Steve was looking at us 3 girls, Nancy Wheeler, Barbra Holland... and me. He was of course mostly referring to Barb since she looked the most nerdy out of our bunch, he thought we would be at least a little bit easier to loosen up and i mean that in a dirty way too.

            Billy Hardgrove was there along with Tommy H and Carol. They of course were there to get lucky and wasted while my 3 friends and i were just trying to up our popularity status. “Hey here’s a clever idea, why don’t we play a little game to help these newbies ‘loosen up’ Billy said with a wink to me and his famous smirk. “That may be the only smart thing you’ve said all day Steve” joked. The others laughed and agreed while the rest of were nervous at first but warmed up to the idea while Barb was always against this ‘loosening up’ game.

           “Alright, fuck it, how do you play the damn game” i couldn’t believe i said that, i guess that was just all that naughty that’s been shunned away from my good girl act. “Oooo this pretty little girl has a naughty side?” Billy said this in a shocked but intrigued way. “C’mon Billy just tell us how to play the damn game” Nancy saw how i was learning to just go with it so she followed along. “ Okay book worm don’t get aggressive” Billy said this with less interest and more annoyance of Nancy. “Okay so newbies have to prove themselves to us by doing some dares that are given to you by yours truly” he winked and let out a puff while gesturing to his friends. Steve interrupted fast “So i’ll start with miss wheeler, i da...” Billy cut him off with anger in his eyes. “But my good friend forgot to mention the best part!, if you guys cant complete the dare then you have to strip one item each time” he seemed proud of his lustful command.

         After several halfly and fully covered dares, there laid 4 girls in either just a bra and panty or maybe they still had a sweater or jeans on. I was one of the girls in just a bra and panty but i never felt so alive and bad but i loved it not to mention i was far past drunk. I knew that barb felt uncomfortable the whole time and so did the whole group so they went easy on her and she just had to take off her coat. “Ok so this one is for Liv over there.” Billy said grabbing my hand while I lounged on the chair carelessly with my drunken and half covered gorgeous bod. His eyes lingered and he couldn’t hide his blushing and lustful eyes. This drove me crazy cause he was so handsome and sexy but i didn’t want to get to far, i just wasn’t ready for anything that big. I stood up very unsteady and barb saw that, she came over and told me that we should all go and that she would drive. “I think we all had enough fun why don’t we start heading home, you don’t look to well Liv.” “I’m fine i don’t need you to be a mom right now, why don’t you go you never fit in anyways, and don’t say that i don’t ‘look good’ for all i know your probably just jealous.” I knew right after i said it that i screwed up but it was too late. “ You know what, im done trying to be a good friend, i will go home and good luck trying to get home like that, maybe one of your new ‘friends’ can sober up before driving.” she left in tears running towards the woods. “Whoa whats up her ass!” Billy laughed and began kissing my neck but i just stood there in shock and a dazed confusion.

          Later that night Billy and i had made our way to Steve’s couch while tommy and carol took a spare bedroom and Steve led Nancy to his room. I had a feeling of what was going to happen but i was not in my right mind to fully stop it. He leaned in and starting kissing me slow then it suddenly turned harsh and passionate, i could feel his hands making there way up my thigh and i let out a small gasp. “Hey im not sure i wanna take this that far“ i mumbled against his lips but he ignored me and just kept going further up. I heard a faint scream and broke the kiss. “Did you hear that?” “Hear what doll, the only thing i wanna be hearing is you moaning my name.” he smirked then slowly went in again and then bit my bottom lip slowly. Little did i know that it was barb coming back to drive us home since she was actually a good friend who cared for us regardless and not just someone who was only trying to get in my pants. “ Billy i dont know about this” “Oh cmon your just shy but ill be gentle and then all youll feel will be pure bliss” he then lowered me on my back and made his way down by kissing me in every spot that sent chills to my body so i let go and just went with it.

          The next day Barb wasnt at school and nanc and i just thought that she was just mad at us but as a week went by we were beyond worried untill 2 days ago when we heard about her on the news, thats when our worried hearts turned into broken grieving hearts. The only good thing was that news report landed on a saturday and i could be a wreck the whole weekend and process things before heading back to school. Thats when things got crazy and people started suspecting her best friends and the sad truth was that i knew something others didnt, this slight piece of evidence could make everybody i care about turn on me.

                “And thats how it all went down Dean, I know i sound absolutely terrible but i want justice for barb.” He was looking at me with wide eyes and a dreamy gaze but i couldnt quite make out what he was thinking. “Wow olivia im shocked but so happy you told me, everything will get better from here on out” he gave me a reassuring smile and leaded me back to class and he happened to casually lay his hand on my waist and guide me, then whispered i think you sounded like a strong and beautiful girl for what you had to go through but im also gonna sound like a douche when i say this but im glad you didnt go after your friend cause it might have gotten you too and i wouldnt be able to meet the strong and beautiful girl standing right in front of me.” i blushed like crazy before walking into the class, once again all eyes were on me and Dean noticed so decided to do something about that. He walked in and said, “Every body should know that your classmate Olivia has helped this case tremendously and you all should give her a smile the next time you see her” “ i should be seeing you around miss hopper” he smiled and winked at you in a professional manner but you could tell it was far from that.

                  A week has past and your uncle hopper went away for a couple of days to solve this case with the winchester brothers, leaving you to watch El. Today she went to go hangout with her bunch while you stayed home and catched up on some vampire diaries. *knock knock* i was shocked to hear a knock on my door, maybe my uncle came back early i thought. I get up from my comfy spot and open the door to a pleasant surprise. “Dean!! how are you? we haven’t spoken in a while and i thought you were supposed to be with my uncle” i was confused yet happy since all my memories had been good with dean and i trusted him on something that meant so much to me. “ Well your uncle asked either me or my brother to check up on you and i happily agreed” he flashed his dazling smile and walked in. I sat on the couch and he sat next to me, for the past few hours we caught up and got to know each other on a whole other level, it was like weve always knew each other and time seemed to fly. I showed him my room and my personal things including some secrets. “ Ive always wanted to tell you this but i think your absolutely gorgeous.” he kept his beautiful blue eyes latched on me and leaned in for a kiss.I went in and soon enough we were naked on my bed over heated and satisfied. “You can spend the night” i said smiling at him with my fingers tracing his bare abs. “Im sure theyve got this covered for tonight” he smiled down at me and kissed my forhead, then we fell asleep in an instant.

              The next morning was amazing, waking up to a shirtless sexy Dean was priceless and epecially getting to watch his cute face sleep. He woke up with a smile and said “ Mornin gorgeous, how did you sleep, i know i slept well with you by my side” he pecked my lips “I could say the same” I got up to kiss him more passionalty and put some clothes on in the bathroom but as i was leaving i felt his eyes heavy on my naked body. I shut the door and got dressed but i stayed in the bathroom because i heard my uncle enter my room screaming his head off! Dean was shook and got up fast trying to defend himself while my uncle was saying “I cant belive you!! i practically told you to babysit her for a few hours and i come home to you naked in her bed doing who knows what! time to leave Mr.Wrong, youve helped enough. As i finished getting ready i walked out with shame all over my face and my uncle telling me to go for somebody my own age.