#i wrote this before i posted the last one HAHA i dont write THAT fast

[hermannsthumb]

HEADCANON/PROMPT TIME. Like, Newton has to have been the person to find Hermann staring blankly at his chalkboard after predicting the double and triple events. Newton would see Hermann wide-eyed and white-faced and drop everything the second he walked back into the lab to rush over to him because he's terrified that he's about to collapse or something.

god i love them like…..supporting each other…..being there for each other….let’s try some hurt/comfort. (i’ve been on a roll tonight LOL i feel like a writing machine)

“Here,” Newton is saying, “here, Hermann, sit down, here–”

Newton sounds far-off, like he’s speaking from another room. Distantly, Hermann is aware of Newton’s hand on the small of Hermann’s back, that he’s ushering Hermann across the room, that he’s easing Hermann’s cane out of his white-knuckle grip and helping Hermann down onto the lab couch. Newton places a hand on Hermann’s shoulder and squeezes tentatively. “Hermann,” he says, “you want some water? You want–”

Hermann’s legs are trembling. “Yes,” he says. “Yes.”

Newton disappears from view, and comes back a few moments later with a chipped coffee mug. He hands it to Hermann. The water’s lukewarm, and it tastes vaguely of stale coffee. The mug cannot have been washed well. Newton watches him drink it all, and then he takes the mug from Hermann and carefully sets it down. “Hermann,” Newton repeats. He’s squatting in front of Hermann. “Talk to me, dude.”

Hermann swallows thickly. He works his jaw a few times. “I predicted a double event,” he says.

Newton sits back on his heels. He laughs. 

Hermann does not laugh.

Newton’s grin fades. “Seriously?” he says.

Hermann nods. He wonders how Newton found him when he came into the lab. Frozen in place at the board, he assumes, chalk in hand, staring at the final line of his newly completed equation and wondering how in God’s name he’s meant to bear the news of certain death to a base full of people. To a city full of people. Because a double event is unheard of. It’s unprecedented. They can’t possibly–how are they meant to– “I don’t know what–” Hermann says. “I–Newton.”

Newton is not mocking him. Newton is not picking a fight with him. Newton is not saying he’s wrong. Newton takes Hermann’s hands in his, very gently, and rubs his thumbs over Hermann’s knuckles. It’s all very odd; usually, Hermann is the one talking Newton down from bad spells, the one forcing water and Advil on Newton and making him breathe. Newton handles the reverse surprisingly skillfully. “Dude. Calm down, okay?” he says. “Please calm down.”

How strange it is, the things you come to understand about yourself at the end of the world. About others. About Newton, in Hermann’s situation, particularly in relation to himself. Newton, his rival, his oldest friend, his equal in every sense. Newton, obnoxious, intelligent, charming. Handsome. Newton is very handsome. Newton continues to rub Hermann’s knuckles, absolutely silent. 

Hermann is in love with him. He’s entertained the notion before, laying awake at night or watching Newton work in the lab or reading over their old letters, but now–in the face of Newton’s kindness, in knowing that they’re doomed, in knowing they won’t have a future even if Hermann wants it–he’s certain of it. He reels Newton in by the wrists and kisses him once, very chastely, desperate for this little bit of intimacy. Newton doesn’t even have the decency to act surprised.

“Hermann,” he says, and he must see the fear (of rejection) rising behind Hermann’s eyes, because he leans back in and kisses Hermann’s bottom lip, and then his top lip, reassuring and sweet and just as chaste. “Have a little optimism, okay? We have jaegers. Jaegers you coded. We have pilots. We can handle a double event.”

These facts are all true. “Yes,” Hermann sighs. “You’re right.”

“Okay,” Newton says, and squeezes Hermann’s hands.

In a minute, Hermann will rush to fetch Pentecost and relay the information, but for now--still unable to shake off the feeling they won’t have a chance later--Hermann allows himself one more quick kiss from Newton.

[littlegiantposts]

movie night

pairing: todoroki x f!reader

warning: strong language probably. possible anime/manga spoilers! grammar mistakes :( I suck at writing

summary: It’s not that Y/n didn’t want friends, it’s just people always found her intimidating

a/n: this is completely self-indulgent lol sorry about that, so like yeah I’m gonna be saying y/n, but also i am deriving her personality, attitude, looks from a character that I’ve sort of made up in my head haha. also idk if this is like a headcanon, imagine, or like a scenaro....so sorry. And like, sort of a side note, I love making main characters that are like sorta op so y/n’s quirk and story is sorta insane, but you guys dont really have to worry about it too much because its not really in this so....yeah, i guess its just some context. I wrote this while listening to a playlist I made, titled, “ur a badass hero with class 1-a” on spotify so if ppl wanna hear it, I will post a link to it lol. OH and class 1-a are in their second year! That’s a lot, sorry! But, I hope you enjoy!

y/n’s quirk (if ur curious): controlling the 4 elements (aang from the last airbender vibe lmao); but she also got a companion named koda (think of Moro-no-kimi from Princess Mononoke for the look) 

Y/n was never good at making friends. It’s not like she didn’t try, because she did. When she was a little kid, living on Catalina Island, she made a lot of attempts to make friends with fellow children in her pre-school and middle school. It just seemed that they wanted nothing to do with her, talking bad about her behind her back or acting as if she just didn’t exist. 

It started to get exhausting for Y/n to keep trying and ending up always failing. So, when enrolling in the top hero school, UA, Y/n thought that maybe, just maybe, things would be different. 

Nonetheless, it’s not like she had absolutely no one. She had Koda! Her best friend in the whole wide world, well her only friend, which was her pet wolf. However, Koda doesn’t like being called a “pet”, let’s stick with her companion. They are quite the inseparable duo. 

Y/n looked down at Koda from her desk who was lulling herself to sleep on the floor as Present Mic was teaching an English lesson. Y/n wished she too can sleep at this moment, “It wouldn’t hurt if I just closed my eyes for just a couple minutes.” Y/n thought. Oh, she was wrong though.

“Alright! We are going take a short break since we need to get our new textbooks,” Present Mic’s voice rang through her ears with all his elongation and passion, “Y/n and Todoroki! What about you two go get the books from the library!” Y/n would have jolted at the mention of her face, but she was honestly too tired to do so. 

She nodded her head, got up from her desk, and looked at Koda if he was going to follow her. Of course, he perked up at the mention of her name and was going with her. A small smile was now on Y/n’s lips. Y/n was glad that she knew she can depend on Koda, always in her corner.

As she pushed her chair away from her desk, getting up and walking towards the door, she didn’t realize that most of the class was either looking at her or the half and half boy, for he had to endure the trip with the enigma that is Y/n. 

The class just doesn’t know Y/n that well. She was one of the new students this year, along with Shinso. However, they at least knew of Shinso from last year. Y/n was a  brand-spanking new addition to the class. Not to mention, her introduction to the class was nothing short of intimidating.

Aizawa knew Y/n had a lot of strengths. In fact, he used her skills as a type of learning lesson for the class. Not to mention, he completely singled her out during the “lesson” as he instructed the class that Y/n will have a bell that is tied around her belt. All they had to do was get the bell. Y/n, being the competitive person she was, didn’t back down at this challenge. Safe to say, no one was able to get the bell that day.

Y/n sighed at the memory. “Maybe, if you had some chill, you would be able to get a friend, Y/n” a voice in her head said, causing Y/n’s shoulders to shrink and her hands to be stuffed into her pockets. (Yes, she has pockets with her uniform. Yes, she’s still wearing the school uniform skirt. She sowed pockets into them for this very habit.) 

“Uh, hey wait up.” a deeper voice called, already identifying who it is.

Y/n turned to right, looking at Koda for a brief second. From far away, one would think he was just grimacing, but as Y/n was closer, she can see he was very close to full-on growling at the sound of his voice.

Koda doesn’t really like Todoroki and Y/n always found it funny. Koda found everyone else real entertaining. As much as Koda was a wolf, he really was a people’s person. If Y/n didn’t know any better, it seemed Koda had a better relationship with her classmates than she actually did.

Y/n adopted a tired smile as she reacted to Koda’s growling at Shoto. She then looked behind her, seeing Todoroki jog lightly towards her. Her small smile soon faded away.

“Even if you try again to be a friend, you know that people will always end up fearing you.” Y/n honestly wanted to bang her head against a wall because this annoying voice was truly the bane of her existence. 

Y/n stopped in her tracks. Koda made eye-contact with her, almost telepathically asking her, “Why are you stopping for him?!”.

“I may be aloof, but I have to at least be polite.” Y/n told her wolf companion. Koda only let out a breathe of frustration as he also stopped as well.

Todoroki soon caught up to the duo and was on Y/n’s left side. And the three began their trek to the school library.

There was some silence.

For Todoroki, it was so awkward. “Why don’t you say something to her?” he asks himself, “Or are you going to let another opportunity slip?”

You see, Shoto Todoroki admired Y/n. She was incredibly skilled with her quirk. She was confident, but not arrogant. She was an innovator, while still accepting old principles. She was naturally smart, but always open to learning. To him, she was so balanced. He couldn’t help himself as the admiration started to soon feel like a crush on the dark haired girl.

For Y/n, she didn’t think anything of the silence. In fact, she was grateful for the silence. More silence, means less time for talking. Less chance of Y/n making a fool out of herself.

“You seem more tired than usual. Trained a lot yesterday, I presume?” And Todoroki broke the silence that Y/n was trying to insist.

“Yeah, trying out a new technique with my water.”

Y/n was surprised.

She really could have been more blunt with her answer.

Theoretically, all she really had to respond with was a “yeah”, but she decided to add that last part.

Why? Why did she feel inclined to go into more detail? Now, Y/n was confused. 

“That’s cool.” Todoroki wanted to hit himself in the head. “That’s all you got to say? What a conversation this is” Shoto mentally sighs. He feels like his heart is going to burst at how fast its going. 

“I’m actually trying to freeze it, but that turns out to be harder than expected,” Y/n almost slapped her hand on her mouth.

Why is she going into more detail? This doesn’t make sense. She’s been quite blunt lately when people try to talk to her, so what gives?

Is it Todoroki, himself? “Maybe he put a spell on me or something.” Y/n didn’t think the “icy-hot bastard” would dabble in witchcraft, but things were just not adding up in Y/n’s mind. All these thoughts woke Y/n right up, ridding herself of her tiredness. 

As for Todoroki, his mind was going into overdrive. “She’s having trouble with freezing water? She must know that this is my specialty. Is this her way of spending time with me? Does this mean the feelings I have for her are mutual? Perhaps, we can train together and I can help her with freezing.” The mere thought of spending time with Y/n outside of class made his cheeks warm up. 

He was an absolute love-struck fool for Y/n. 

“Oh, we’re here.” Y/n stated the obvious as they stand in front of the school’s library, halting Shoto’s mental mumbling, which almost resembled one of Midoryia’s ever-present babbling. 

Shoto Todoroki immediately shot his arm forward to open the door for Y/n, but Y/n was thinking the same thing and they reached for the same handle.

Their hands touch. 

And Todoroki thinks he can die happy now. Y/n’s hand is so soft. Much to his dismay, Y/n immediately drew her hand back as if his hand was scalding hot water. 

Y/n mumbled a quick “sorry” and places her hand on the other handle as there are two doors to the library, she opens it and immediately walks through it as Koda follows in tow. Koda dawns an absolute confused look as he didn’t know what the hell that interaction was about.

The actual task of getting the books aren’t that hard. In fact, it was an easy and quick task.

So, why is this causing Y/n’s mind and heart feeling like they are overheating.

As they walk back to the classroom with stacks of textbooks, Y/n thought, “Okay, there’s no way in hell that he will try to talk to me again, especially after that awkward incident. Now, let’s breakdown why the actual hell you acted that way, Y/n.” She mentally scolded herself like she was a child. 

Todoroki, as always, had a different plan and decided to continue the conversation, “You know, if you need help with freezing water, I can always help you since that is part of my quirk.”

Y/n has officially short-circuited.

He is voluntarily asking? Voluntarily. Asking?

Asking if Y/n wanted to train together?

This has never happened before, and she doesn’t know how to respond. “I would like that. I typically train in the morning and sometimes after school” is what Y/n felt like saying. It is as if her mind and mouth were working against each other.

However, Y/n’s thoughts were cut short as she heard the chatter of some of her fellow classmates. They three of them were very close to their classroom as their door to the room was wide open. 

“Hey guys, if we’re having a movie night tonight, do you think we should invite Y/n?”

It was Midoryia who asked the question. Y/n, Shoto, and Koda stopped dead in their tracks at the mention of her name. Shoto and Koda looked at Y/n with a worried expression. For her own good, she probably shouldn’t be listening, but she couldn’t help but be curious of her classmates’ plan in regards to her.

“It’s not that we don’t want her there. It’s just that, who is up for asking her?”

Silence. No one responded to the question.

Koda notices how Y/n’s grip on the textbooks tightened. Shoto noticed how your head was now titled downward, hiding your face.

“She’s just so intimidating. And not to mention that training exercise we did when we first met her. She’s sort of scary, to be honest.”

“Scary. You’re scary, Y/n. Terrifying.” She couldn’t help but repeat her classmates’ thought of her. She was just torturing herself at this point. No point in dwelling on first impressions, but as this is affecting her current relationship, or lack thereof, with her classmates, she couldn’t help it.

“Y/n-” Todoroki tries to interject before Y/n gets the wrong idea.

But, it’s too late.

“No, it’s fine. Thanks for the offer though, Todoroki.” Y/n’s words were slow. As much as her brain was going a million miles per hour, her mouth was evidently slower as her breathing was heavier.

She wanted to disappear, or at least get swallowed by the ground. She kept her head down as she strode into the classroom. Her classmates being oblivious to Y/n’s knowledge of what they truly think of her, paying no attention to her.

Shoto was basically frozen in place, next to the door, but he gained composure and walked in the class as well, a couple seconds after. Y/n quickly placed her books on the front desk where Present Mic sat behind of, she sat back in her seat that was in the back of the class.

Y/n watched how Shoto was still standing in front of the classroom as he was stopped by his classmates. Now, they were just chatting, probably talking about the upcoming movie night.

Y/n felt jealousy bubble up inside her. She wished she can chat like how Shoto was effortlessly talking away to his classmates. Or how Midoryia stopped him with such ease to talk about a social event.

Y/n yearned for some friendly interaction. That’s what she wanted when coming to UA. 

She wanted to be normal. As normal as she could be. A normal teenager.

“Things don’t always go according to plan, huh?” Y/n pouted and placed her head on her desk and just waited patiently till the school day was over.

Koda worriedly looked at Y/n. “She’s going to want to train after this. And I bet she’s going to push herself harder because of today.” Koda knew Y/n very well. Knew her like the back of his hand, well, paw. 

And, Koda was right. Y/n was in gym gamma, completely exhausted. Sweat covered her body as her muscles were screaming at her take a break. Her labored breathe continued as her body was trying its best to keep up.

Y/n was frustrated. “Why? Why am I like this?” she kept repeating like a mantra.

“I want to be normal. Why can’t I be like them?”

“Why?”

“You’re a monster. It’s actually quite simple.”

Y/n threw a punch with her fist encased in water, and it wasn’t until after that punch was thrown, she realized that there was now an evident hole in the thick, solid concrete wall. 

Y/n fell to her knees. Koda hurriedly made his way to her, making sure she didn’t do anything too stupid. Once Koda was close, she was doing something unexpected. 

She was crying. 

Hot streams, cascading down her face. She started to hiccup, her breathing erratic. “A-am I scary to you, Koda?” her voice was so small.

Koda nudged his way in between her legs and nestled his head into her neck. Y/n, full on sobbing now, wraps her arms around Koda and her cries are muffled by his fur. Wailing and self-deprecating questions can be faintly heard from her if anyone were to enter the gym.

A couple minutes passed. Y/n’a breathing returned to a calm rhythm.

“Thanks, Koda. I needed that,” Y/n sniffles, “C’mon let’s go make dinner, I’ll whip you up something special for putting up with me today.” Koda’s tail immediately began to wag at the thought of Y/n’s cooking.

Y/n was an independent person. She likes doing things on her own as much as can. She doesn’t eat the food from the school cafeteria, instead, she opts for making her and Koda’s meals from the kitchen that is provided to them in their dormitory. And indeed, she made a delicious dinner for both of them. 

Now, the hard part. Because of how long her training took, showering, and making dinner, Y/n knew that her classmates were in the common space already, probably preparing to have their movie night. And, she had to pass them. It was a short distance, short walk, Y/n was trying to reassure herself. Just walk straight towards to the elevator and you’re safe.

Y/n takes a deep breathe and walks out of the kitchen. The chatter of her classmates emerges to her ears, but as she walks towards the elevator, the chatter dies down.

“Oh no.” Y/n’s eyes widened in fear. “Way to go on ruining the mood, Y/n.”

Thankfully, the elevator was quick and the doors slide open, making an easy escape for Y/n and Koda. She let out a breathe she didn’t even realize she was holding in as the doors slid shut. Y/n looks at Koda, who was already looking at her, “It’s better this way, anyway” Y/n didn’t know if she was telling Koda that, or herself.

On the other side of the elevator’s doors, her classmates collectively let out a sigh, “Well that was another chance we wasted.” Kaminari was the first to break the awkward silence.

“Tch. Like any of you have the guts to actually ask her.” Bakugo chimed in.

“Oh please, Bakugo, I know she intimidates you, too.” Mina fired back.

“Whatever.”

“She heard you guys.” Todoroki suddenly talked. Everyone casted their attention to him, “Earlier today, I mean. She heard you guys when you were talking about inviting her to movie night.” 

The once light-hearted atmosphere in the room was now tilted with guilt.

“She heard all that?” Midoryia incredulously asked, only imagining what you would be feeling because of their words.

“She must feel terrible.” Ochaco openly voiced her thoughts.

“She probably hates us.” Kirishima adds in.

“She means well, I promise. I think we just need to give her a chance.” Todoroki tries to reason with his classmates.

“First, we need to apologize.” Midoryia proposes as he looks among his classmates. His classmates collectively nod their heads in agreement

“You’re right. Well, good luck Midoryia.” Kaminari pats his back as encouragement. Everyone else either gives an encouraging smile or a thumbs up.

“Ha?! What?! You guys already decided that I’m going to be the one to apologize?” Izuku was flailing his arm around and was checking everyone else’s reaction.

“Well, yes. It’s your idea and you are one of the most apologetic people here.” Iida explained to an overthinking Midoryia.

After regaining composure, he realized that this was probably the best option, “Okay, I’ll, I’ll go now.”

Midoryia makes his way to Y/n’s dorm room. He was nervous. He only had very limited interactions with Y/n. So, he really didn’t know what to expect. Before he knew it, he was before your door.

On the other side, Y/n was chowing down on her food. She took a swig of her water, “So, how’s the food? I tried a new technique on roasting the veggies.” Y/n babbled on for a bit, but she realized that Koda’s plate was hardly touched. Her gaze landed on Koda who was sitting on her bed with a very obvious frown, staring at the door. Y/n immediately knew why.

“Hey, if you wanna go hangout with them, I can push the buttons on the elevator for you-”

Koda was irritated at how difficult Y/n was being, she can just ask them if she can join. It was simple. Koda used his mouth to latch on to Y/n’s sleeve and started to drag her to her dorm’s door. 

“H-hey Koda! Not cool, man! You know, I can’t go down there.” Y/n tugs her sleeve away from Koda. 

Koda turned to his last resort. He did his signature pout. 

“Oh, please. You know that stopped working on me awhile ago. Besides, we can have our own movie night, right?” Y/n tried to reason, but her reasoning just felt sad.

Before Y/n could step away from her dorm’s door, she heard a knock. The two quickly tuned their heads at the door as if something miraculous just happened.

Y/n took one step toward the door. 

“It’s Midoryia.” Koda began to wag his tail, “don’t get your hopes up too quickly.”

Y/n opened the door only a slit for her head to poke out, “Oh, hi Midoryia. Is something wrong?” she asks.

“U-um, no nothings wrong.” he responds as nerves start to take over and he doesn’t continue on.

“Okay.” With that, Y/n closed her door. Koda wanted to scratch his eyes out. This was her chance! For someone who was the top student in her class, she was so stupid. “He didn’t want anything. Sorry to disappoint, Koda-” another knock interrupted her.

She looked at the door, “It’s still Midoryia.” Koda rolled his eyes.

Y/n went to to open the door, again, only opening a bit, “Yes, Midoryia? You sure something isn’t wrong?”

“Uh, well I was wondering if we can talk for a bit.”

“Oh, yeah sure.” Y/n stepped out of her door, and shutting it.

However, Koda was right on her trail, but was shut out by the now closed door. He pouts at the door. And how holds his ear to the door, interested in the conversation that has yet to come.

“So, what’s up?” Y/n asked the green-haired boy.

“I, we, as a class, wanted to apologize for our words today.” Midoryia spoke in a remorseful and quiet tone.

Y/n was taken back. “So, they know that I heard what they were saying? Must have been Todoroki’s doing.”

“Look, it’s fine. I know I’m intimidating-“

“But it’s not fine. We shouldn’t have treated or talked about you that way.”

Y/n was stunned at his words. He took that as a sign to continue, “and we were hoping, if you’d be okay if we start over and become friends.”

Y/n remained cautious with her walls, “You know, friendship isn’t really a perquisite for this course.”

“Of course, I know that. We all do, but it doesn’t hurt to have them, right?”

Y/n felt like tearing up. She wanted to believe him. She wanted to put her trust in that last statement of his. 

“I’ll be be down in 5 minutes,” Y/n stated rather blandly, but it didn’t matter to Midoryia.

“Great! See ya!” He waved and started to head back to the elevator, before he pressed the button, Y/n called him once more,

“Midoryia?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“No problem.” and nods his head. He couldn’t be more thrilled that this will all work out.

As for Y/n, she opened her door to her dorm, and closing it as she stepped inside.

As soon as she was in the comfort of her own room, she broke into her happy dance. Her fists clenched, eyes shut, shoulders scrunched, jumping in the air, squeals make their way pass her lips, with the biggest smile on her face

Koda felt a wave of relief of wash over him. He was glad that she was finally experiencing acceptance. 

After the moment passes, Y/n sighs and looks at Koda, ruffling his fur on the top of his head.

“Well, shall we?” Y/n said in an extravagant manner as she opened her door and bowed.

Koda, playing along, held his head high and strutted out. Y/n let out a light-hearted laugh and they made their way down, together.

Once Y/n actually made it to the common room, all of her classmates were looking at her, stopping their conversations as well. The confidence that Y/n help was long gone, feeling now awkward yet again.

However, the silence didn’t last too long as the class enveloped her in boisterous apologies, hugs, and pats on the back. 

To say Y/n was overwhelmed was understatement. She had never been around these many people, giving attention towards her. It was new territory she had yet to cross. 

“Guys, you should probably let her breathe.”

That was Todoroki. Y/n pried her eyes away from Mina who was asking what conditioner she uses, and looked at Shoto. Y/n mouthed a “thank you” and he simply nodded.

The class went back to their seats, muttering apologies again for getting in her personal space.

Now, Y/n faced yet another problem:

Where is she going to sit?!

She kept standing where she stood for a good couple seconds, scanning the area for any good spots.

However, there was actually only one spot open. And, it just happen to be next to Todoroki. 

Y/n mentally prepared herself and started her path towards him. Of course, Shoto knew this. He was the one who made sure he saved a seat right next to him just for this occasion.

But things don’t always go according to plan, right?

Rightly so, right before Y/n could take the unaccompanied seat, Denki was coming back from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn, plopping right down on the seat.

“Oh, hey Y/n! I’m glad you made it! You want some popcorn?”

“No, I’m good, thanks though.” Y/n was able to play it off as she chose to sit on the floor in front of the couch, which coincidentally was in front of the seat that Shoto resided. 

Shoto was irritated. He wanted you to sit next to him. For crying out loud, that was the whole reason he had this seat open in the first place. All he does is sigh, catching Y/n’s attention.

Y/n turns back to Todoroki, sending a small smile his way, but then turning back to the screen as her fellow classmates were arguing on what to watch.

Y/n put her hand to her chest. This is weird. Why is her heart rate so high? She’s not usually like this. Maybe Todoroki did cast a spell on her.

Y/n couldn’t think about it too much as the movie began playing.

[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

[ghoulangerlee]

tagged by @ongreenergrasses, finally getting around to this haha :)

1. How many works do you have on AO3? uhhh 28 apparently

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 122,057

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?  - and of lust we are reborn (the old guard) - 561 - wasted efforts and best intentions (the old guard) - 379 - Pipe Cleaning (teen wolf) - 377 - lying in this bed with you, next to you, i ain't convinced (roswell new mexico) - 331 - now make me right again (the old guard) - 325

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I do! I am very slow at it, but I make it a point to respond to comments :)

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? I typically don't leave endings as angst because that leaves me with bad feelings, so I'm not really sure honestly.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? See the answer to the last question: all of my fics typically have a happy ending haha. I know this is a cop out answer but I am a simple person

7. Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written? I wrote a crossover with CSI and a Japanese band once. So yeah.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic? One vaguely annoyed comment on rnm fic because they didn't like how I interpreted an episode?? idk

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind? any and every kind. Like that's 99% of my ao3 right now.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen? not that I know of!

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? nope ):

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I have but it's never been posted. It's lost somewhere to the sands of time

13. What’s your all time favorite ship? hard question honestly. I think my top 3 right now are Malex, JoeNicky and Buddie lmao

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? is this where i say the third part to the vampire/werewolf thing? hahahaha kidding. day 6 of kinktober because it just keeps getting longer apparently. another joke. i dont have many long form WIPs!

15. What are your writing strengths? i'd think...maybe dialogue? someone told me i write dirty talk p good. uhhh descriptions? making people feel with what i write.

16. What are your writing weaknesses? writing speed if that can be one idk, i get distracted easily, sometimes i write too fast and hate it all but post it up anyway and still hate it. im a harsh critic on myself for no reason at all. i second guess every word i type out and refuse to really let people beta my work bc ive been burned in the past ahaha.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? ahahaha I only speak English fluently, sometimes it throws me out when there's dialogue in other languages that don't have translations so as a rule I don't add any other languages and if I want to denote that a character is speaking in a different language I just say it.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for? first fandom was....Beyblade. When I was like 15

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? I really wanna write Buddie ugh.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? im biased but 100% my big bang fic and it's poorly received not quite sequel but in the same universe fic. i love my little universe with rural firefighter nicky.

im always bad at tagging but if you wanna do this please! and say i tagged you! i wanna see this!!!

[danfanciesphil]

Prompt where they fight or smthng and phil leaves for a walk and comes back to dan playing his song on the piano?

very cute, i really like this one

xx

EDIT: I realised just as i started writing this that you specified ‘his [phil’s] song’ - so i am now assuming you’re talking about the song dan wrote for him in Birthday Sex? Sorry if that isn’t what you meant haha, but i dont know of a song irl that dan would play for phil that could be classed as ‘his song’ (thought im sure there are several) 

hope this is all ok! and thank you

Prompts are temporarily closed for the time being! Thank you all for your submissions, I’ll be posting the ones I have in my inbox asap!

“I just don’t think it’s very fair of you to blindside me with all the shitty stuff from our past without some kind of warning!” Dan protests, throwing his flat keys down on to the dining room table. He shrugs his coat off, irritated, and throws it onto a nearby chair. “In front of all our friends!”

“Oh, so I’m just supposed to shove all that stuff to one side and never think about it again?” Phil asks, sounding incredulous. Dan rolls his eyes at the theatrical way Phil is behaving. “I’m never allowed to bring it up, or speak about it, or think about it in case it makes you feel guilty and miserable for a split second, is that right?”

“Obviously that’s not what I’m saying, Phil.” Dan says icily, crossing his arms. “You don’t have to be so... so...”

“So what?” Phil prompts, one hand curled around his own set of keys, still. 

Dan just glares, lips pressed into a thin slash across his chin. He’s not going to finish that sentence. It won’t do either of them any good; besides, they’ve both had a couple of glasses of wine. 

They’ve been out for a meal at a posh sushi place for Hazel’s birthday. It’s a place they know well, a menu they’ve ordered from frequently, and friends that they both enjoy being around. 

Dan has no idea why, on this occasion, things turned sour. Out of all the many ways Phil could have answered Louise’s innocent, funny question of ‘what’s the worst pick-up line you’ve tried on someone?’, he had to say ‘well, that’s a difficult one because for the last eight years I've been desperately in love with someone who made it extremely clear they didn’t want me back until very recently. So, I haven’t tried out an actual pick up line in forever.’

His answer had stunned the table into an awkward hush. Dan had been so taken aback by the nonchalant way in which Phil casually dropped this information into the lighthearted conversation - with people who know absolutely nothing about it, save for Louise - that he’d actually choked on an edamame bean. 

They all knew, of course, that Phil was talking about Dan. They must have. 

Suddenly, remembering the stunted, jolty attempts people were forced to make to kickstart the conversation again, to move it into safer territory, Dan doesn’t feel quite so generous. 

He decides to finish his sentence, after all. 

“You don’t have to be so childish about this whole thing.” Dan says before he can think it through properly. “It’s over now. We’re married, we’re together, you have me. Why are you insisting on picking at the scabs? And without even so much as a hint to me beforehand that it’s on your mind at all!” 

“Childish?” Phil repeats, his voice soft and hurt. 

Dan’s heart sinks, and he regrets the choice of adjective immediately. “No, well, no-”

But it’s too late to take it back. The word hangs in the air, taunting them both. 

Dan scrambles to think of a way to repair the situation, but he’s not fast enough. Phil, still wearing his coat, turns back the way he came, keys still clasped in his fist, and walks out of the door. 

Fuck. 

---

Phil has no idea where he’s going. He hadn’t really thought further ahead than getting out of the flat before the argument turned even nastier. 

That’s the problem with arguing with Dan; he’s a hothead. He can’t seem to catch the words in his mind long enough to think them through, he just spits them out, harsh and unfiltered, then regrets it. 

The wind whips against him, and Phil draws the lapels of his coat around himself a little tighter. He’d been so looking forward to getting back home after the dinner tonight. They’d left the heating on, and Phil had been feeling pleasantly tipsy all evening until it got awkward. He’d been thinking about how, later, he could drag a wine-sweetened Dan underneath the covers, kiss him in all the places that made him squirm until neither of them felt the cold anymore. 

He sighs, taking a random turning into a side street he’s never walked down before. He wonders if he should put his hood up or something, as the worst thing would be getting recognised right now. It’s unlikely to happen, though, in the dark. 

Childish. 

That was the word Dan had used to describe him. It echoes through the wide, hollow rooms of Phil’s usually thriving brain, echoing off the cold, stone walls. 

Is that truly how Dan perceives him? Immature and thoughtless? Attention-seeking, maybe? Or sulking, to get his way? 

A shiver runs through his body, and his teeth begin to chatter. He steps through the milky, pale yellow splash of light from an overhead streetlamp, glad of the fleeting absence of darkness. 

He hadn’t meant to say what he did, when he answered Louise. He didn’t think. It’s not like him to say things without thinking, either - but he supposes being around Dan so much must mean he picks up on some of his habits, both good and bad. 

Just now, Dan had said that Phil had blindsided him with the answer. That he’d failed to let Dan know that it was playing on his mind, and that if he’d pulled Dan aside, maybe tried to talk it through a little, things would have been okay. 

But Dan doesn’t understand. The ‘Birthday Sex Era’, as Phil now thinks of it, isn’t something that fleetingly pops into his head now and again. He’s thinking of it always. There’s never a moment that it’s not there, stubborn and loud, a great sea-monster lurking in the ocean of Phil’s love for Dan, its tentacles protruding into every single memory they have as a pair. 

Phil isn’t able to just carve the Birthday Sex monster away. It’s too entwined in what they are, in what they were. It’s part of him, and it’s part of Dan, and it’s a part of both of them, together. 

So, when the delicious Californian white wine is flowing, and Phil is comfortable and relaxed around his favourite, trusted friends, it’s only natural that he’ll answer something asked of him with total honesty. It just so happens that the honest answer he gave tonight was one that the Birthday Sex monster has wrapped itself around. Phil couldn’t help but tell Louise the truth. And the truth had been that Phil, for a long time, was simply not interested in ‘picking up’ anyone but Dan, and that Dan had - somewhat cruelly - encouraged this. 

Two shadowy figures turn into the street, starting to walk towards him. Phil is wearing his contacts, but he still can’t really make them out. Not wanting to linger too long in a deserted, back street with two unfamiliar strangers late at night, Phil turns, walking briskly back the way he came. 

It’s freezing tonight, anyway. Phil’s had a little walk to gather his thoughts. 

It’s time to go home. 

---

Phil tries to unlock the door quietly, half hoping the inevitable confrontation can be postponed a little longer, until he’s shucked off his coat and shoes, at least. 

He manages to stay quiet as he lets himself in, and takes his time about removing his outer garments. He runs a hand through his hair, shuddering as his body soaks up the warmth of the flat, and sighs. 

Belatedly, he realises he can hear a soft, enchanting melody, seeping through the floorboards of the upstairs hallway. Intrigued, as ever, by Dan’s decision to play the piano, Phil follows the haunting tune.

Strangely, as he pads up the stairs, Phil realises that he’s humming along. He pauses in his step, head cocked to listen harder when he deduces that he actually knows this particular song. 

He shuts his eyes, still humming as he tries in vain to place it. Is it a video game theme song, he wonders? Dan is very fond of learning every score of the Final Fantasy soundtrack. But somehow Phil knows it isn’t that, this time. 

His brain aches in protest, complaining that it’s too befuddled with alcohol and post-argument tension to work out what the song is. 

Phil rolls his eyes at his own mind, then continues up the stairs, deciding he’ll just have to remember to ask Dan once they’ve resolved this little tiff. 

It’s as Phil approaches their bedroom, that it dawns on him. The realisation tumbles over him in a gush, and he sucks in a breath, stopping in his tracks. He stands in the doorway, not daring to move in case he interrupts. 

Watching Dan play is a performance in itself, regardless of the music he produces. His back is straight, just as his evil teacher drilled into him that it must be all that time ago. His fingers dance, light as petals skimming the surface of a lake, over the keys. 

Dan hasn’t noticed Phil’s arrival, he’s sure. 

The tune begins soft, then sweeps into a whirlwind of complexity, soaring into something so swooping, so magnificent, so deep and vibrant and pure that it sends Phil’s stomach crashing to the floor. 

After a while, it peters out, trilling gently, teasing the growing quiet with more until it stops entirely. 

Dan hunches forwards, his forehead pressing against the stand as his fingers curl into fists. 

“I haven’t heard you play that in a while,” Phil says, trying to keep his voice soft so he won’t startle Dan, but the younger man jumps anyway, spinning to face him. 

There are obvious, shiny tear-tracks over his cheeks.  

“Phil,” he breathes, clearly amazed, “you’re- you’re back.” 

Phil shrugs, shuffling into the room a little. “Where else would I go?”

Dan is silent for a minute, his top teeth trapping his lower lip like he’s trying to button his mouth closed. It doesn’t work. The words burst out anyway, tumbling from his lips in a messy, unprocessed garble.

“I’msosorry-”Dan starts, eyes desperate. “I just- like, I don’t even know why I would say that- I don’t- obviously I don’t think you’re childish, but youknowwhatI’mlike-”

“Dan.” Phil interrupts, gently. 

“And especially after drinking- like, I knew I should’ve said no to that second glass, but-”

“Dan, stop,” Phil urges, moving towards him. 

Sitting down on the piano stool, scooted up against Dan’s side seems to startle him into silence, so Phil takes the opportunity to speak. 

“I’m not really sure who’s right or wrong here.” He confesses, shrugging one shoulder. 

Dan rolls his eyes. “Come on, Phil, there’s no need to become a martyr just because I’m getting a bit weepy-”

Phil smiles, brushing a thumb under each of Dan’s eyes, rubbing away the moisture collected there. “I’m not being a martyr.” Phil turns to face him as much as possible on the stool, trying to get the words straight in his head. “I just think that this - our situation - is a peculiar one. I don’t quite know how to handle it best, y’know?”

Dan nods, chewing his lip again. 

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to be constantly on edge in case I spring a guilt trip on you from nowhere,” Phil says, completely honest about this. “But I also don’t really know how to deal with all the leftover... stuff still inside me from that time. The Birthday Sex time.”

“What kind of ‘stuff’?” Dan asks cautiously, sounding like he doesn’t really want to know the answer. Honestly, Phil is pretty sure Dan won’t like the answer either. 

Phil swallows. “Hurt. Anger. Heartbreak. Insecurity. Anxiety.” Phil swallows again. “You know. Stuff.”

Dan takes a deep breath, but nods again, seeming to understand. “So... you’re saying that ‘stuff’ might sort of... leak out at random, inconvenient times?”

Phil quirks a smile at him. “I’m going to try really, really hard not to let that happen. I don’t want to hurt you, or cause arguments. And you’re right, y’know? What you said earlier - it’s over. I have you now.”

His hand travels absent-mindedly to Dan’s hip, ducking beneath the jumper he’s wearing until his fingers skim the tattoo he knows is inked there. 

Dan shakes his head. “I was a prat earlier. Please don’t take any of what I said to heart.”

Phil chuckles at him, and Dan gives him a serious look.

“No, seriously Phil.” He says, making Phil chuckle more. “If anyone’s a fucking child around here it’s me. I’m the one who threw a god damn bitch fit at you for bringing up your own perfectly valid feelings of betrayal. I mean, what right do I have to yell at you for that when it’s all my fault you ever felt that awful to begin wi-”

Phil kisses him to shut him up, mostly, but also because he’s tipsy and sad and bullying himself for things he’s apologised for so many times. Sometimes, the best way to draw Dan out of his own abusive head is to remind him how much he is loved, despite whatever he may think of himself. 

When Phil draws away, there’s a surprised, sweet expression on Dan’s pretty face. Phil smiles at the sight of it, curling his hand into Dan’s jumper. 

“Your playing was so lovely,” Phil tells him wistfully. 

Dan ducks his head, smiling bashfully. “Thanks. I think that’s the only thing I can play without any mistakes.” 

“Will you play it again?” Phil asks, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan pretends to look exasperated, rolling his eyes. “You’re requesting your own song for the second time?”

Phil nods, beaming, and Dan shakes his head fondly, but kisses him nonetheless. He places his hands over the keys, and Phil lights up, settling down to listen, his eyes fluttering closed. 

“As if I could ever say no.” Dan murmurs, then starts to play.

[got-my-happiness]

JUNE 30, 2019

Since my last post here nung 2018 pa haha I have an update from 2019-2020 HAHA I wrote it sa wordpress account ko but still posting it here 

i never thought i will see him unexpectedly today, as in unexpectedly. Supposedly the last post about him will be last and probably the final but i think it’s not ’cause here I’m again writing this thing about him again…

I’m with my 2 friends (lets name then CA and CV), we went to a mall near us para magbonding since medyo matagal na yung last na bonding with them. The mall has an open grounds or balcony sa taas, tumambay na lang kami dun since nandun na rin yung cinema, our movie tickets time is 3:45pm kaya we waited there. Umupo lang kami at nagkwentuhan, until silang dalawa na lang and I didn’t speak and nakatingin lang sa daanan ng tao…and suddenly I saw him unexpectedly with our common guy friend din. i know na kahit nakaupo lang ako, nagpapanic ako and i dont know what to do. hinampas ko si CA and tinuro sila since naging magkakaklase naman kami nung jhs. He was just looking at me hanggang sa lumapit sila sa pwesto namin. Those eyes na parang sinasabi na “uy namiss kita ang tagal nating hindi nagkita”, our eyes still has that connection. Then si CA keeps on smiling at me na nang-aasar, ghad can you stop hahaha. So ayun nga, he was just looking at me and smiling hanggang sa makalapit sila sa pwesto namin. We are both hesitating if babatiin ba namin ang isa’t isa so in the end we just smiled each other pero bigla siya nagsalita:

Him: sa u e ka pa din?

me: nope

him: saan na?

me: sa be nilde na *then he nods*

umupo na din sila sa tabi namin, eh that time nag-ggroupie kami nila CA and CV so sinama na rin namin sila haha hanggang sa tumayo na yung common guy friend namin na si PS at nagpicture since may hawak din siyang camera that time then tumayo si CA,

CA to him: ikaw ah busy ka dyan sa cellphone mo, siguro may jowa ka na

him: uy wala ah, puro group chat to

so medyo malakas yung pag uusap nila haha then biglang inaya ni CA si CV sa isang wall dun na pipicturan daw niya, magppphotoshoot silang dalawa and i was like, ano yun iiwan ako netong dalawa dito kay ano?

CA: oy kausapin mo yan *referring to him and ngitian ko lang si friend shet*

Pagkaalis nila, we looked at each other and smiled at tumawa lang kasi i guess parehas kaming hindi alam pag-uusapan. This is the most precious moment happened jk haha namiss ko tuloy yung grade 10 days na ganito din. Tinginan then ngingitian niya ko jk! haha

Him: kelan pasukan niyo?

me: aug 31 pa

him: ang tagal, parang prelims na siguro namin yun

me: oo nga eh, hindi ko na nga alam gagawin ko sa bahay sa next months before ng pasukan

him: gala ka,

me: wala na kong kasama, may mga pasok na mga kaibigan ko

him: samahan kita joke

me: may pasok ka din eh, wag ako

then he just looked at me and smiled. oy guys di na makatarungan yung mga nangyari kahapon :((( it felt so unreal. then there’s this friend of mine who texted me about our grad pic and suddenly i dont know how to reply at her kasi nanginginig kamay ko hahahha ohghad. im still panicking kasi katabi ko rin siya eh anoba. Lumapit na kami kayla CA. Hinawakan ko bigla yung wrist niya, i know he was shookt pero na-amaze ako sa relo niya eh bat ba, naalala ko nung grade 10 nag-eexchange kami ng relo hahahaha ohghad.

Inaaya na siya ni PS na bumalik na ulit sila dun sa loob pero I saw him na umiling, at ganun din si CV inaya na ko na pumasok na sa loob ng cinema and i was like pwede 5 minutes pa. ghad same feels kami. Kaya ayun nagusap lang kami about sa movies ni PS haha. Nakikita ko sa peripheral view ko na he was looking at me, pwede ba joke hahaha. May ginagawang film si PS and isa si guy sa parang bida or idk pa so nagshoot muna sila saglit sa mga halaman dun.

And yes, i was looking at him kasi busy naman sila sa pag shoot kaya i know he wont look back.. but again i was wrong. he looked back huhu and smiled again. grabi yung heart ko oh. i just smiled at him and kaya ayun pinagpatuloy niya na yung ginagawa nilang shoot. Until bumalik ulit sa pwesto namin, I checked the time and it’s 3:40pm na, bakit naman ang bilis? I may wanted to stay for long pero 3:$5 yung movie na papanuorin namin eh haha

cv: guys, mauuna na kami. magt-3:45 na rin kasi

ps: sige, balik na din kami dun

ca: bye guys

hinatid nila kami papasok ng cinema, and we said goodbyes

ps: bye guys

cv: bye

him: bye *and looked at me and smiled*

me: byeee! *and smiled*

pagpasok namin ng cinema, inaasar ako ni CA. ohgahd pakilayo nga ko joke hahahahhaha hanggang sa matapos yung sine na pinanood namin hindi niya ko tinigilan.

This is one of the best unexpected moment happened sakin kaya it felt so unreal seeing him again looking and smiling at me. Alam niyo yun, i told sa last post ko about him na I’m getting over him, I’m letting this feelings for him to go.. then every time we see each other expected man o unexpected.. those feelings always come back like it never really left. those fast heartbeats happened again, those butterflies in my tummy that i never felt slightly a long time i felt again, and those eye contacts and smiles ohghad why. Idk what if may susunod pa, but i was just wondering if it will still feel the same the way i felt every time we see each other?? i still like him at times, sorry self. :((( Maybe there will always be a part of me na nandun pa yung feelings ko for him no matter what. aminin ko, i never felt this happy.. not until i saw him yesterday or basta every time na nakikita ko siya. Self bakit ganyan?? haha

then last night haha i posted our groupie with them sa ig story ko, then there is this girl classmate nung shs who messaged me: ‘Huy taga tip yung nasa dulo???” and i was like wtf haha, i replied immediately na “yep, tip qc haha… bakit??”

her: ahhh tip qc. Saaaad. Gwapu ih HAHAHAHAHA Tip mnl ako e

I messaged CA, CV, and a friend din about dyan, then sabi nila inaagawan ka bes ah/ano sugurin ko na ba bes/sabihin mo taken na o hindi na yun pwede.. and sabi ko baliw kayo. wala naman ako karapatan para ipagdamot eh hahaha sad. kaya in the end i deleted that story and sineen ko lang. then she replied,

her: grabe *my name8 sineed lang ako haysxzxszz HAHAHAHAHA porket di na tayo mag kaklase

me: *nireplyan ko siya agad haha* shet nalimutan kong replyan ka, sabay kasi kayo nagdm ng friend ko eh haha sorry. taken na pala yang taga-tip haha

her: Ay ano ba yan mag bebreak din yan HAHAHAHAH CHAROT LANG *name ko*. Kelan pasukan niyo??

and the rest is about my and her school na pinagusapan namin. jusko hahahaha share ko lang sorry.

so ayun, i just made kwento about what happened yesterday kasi i cant keep it all to myself. ciaoooo

[cnstrength]

hello

hey yall. 

Decided to make a tumblr to document my fitness journey! Already began tracking my progression weight and nutrition wise so figured this would be ideal to capture the full picture..Spent the past week trying to figure out a name (figured this fits since I’m a neuro kid lol) 

just gonna throw out some stats :

Male

20

Height : 172 cm

Weight : 155 lb

DL : 415 lb

Squat : 315 lb

Bench : 230 lb

Total : 960 lb

OHP :  140 lb 

I lift for strength. I’d say its been about a year that I’ve taken strength training seriously; prior to that was about 3 years of fuckarounditis and venturing through various routines that mostly dipped into mass building territory. At a point around last year, I decided to start a 4 day 5x5 routine due to the immense popularity I’ve seen surrounding 5x5. That I’d say, completely redirected my goals towards strength. There was something addictive about seeing those numbers rise every week. People started looking at me funny lifting all these weights disproportionate to my body size (they still do, to an even larger extent haha). 

I have a few lifting idols who have inspired me greatly and continue to do so during this journey. In regards to DL/Squat, I look up to Chinese olympic weightlifters like Lu Xiaojun and Liao Hui. These guys are close to my BW and lift out of these world numbers. To think these guys can squat 600 lbs is m i n d b l o w i n g. Olympic weightlifting is a spectacle in itself and I found it incredibly entertaining to watch last year during Rio (though it sucked to not see Liao perform, and Lu losing out).

Lu’s 600 lb back squat : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MI0L7E_5Qac

Liao’s 575 lb front squat : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTNjQPgoNE

For bench, there is only one man. ufpwrlifter is insanely talented at this lift and once again, he is quite similar to me in terms of BW so its easy and appropriate to be inspired. When someone who weighs as much as you and can bench your deadlift max, you give em your utmost respect. 

Ufpwrlifter’s 415 lb bench : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l84vmuuuHRg

These guys keep me going in the gym. & the gym keeps me going in life. These guys are a pleasure to follow and appreciate and have impacted my life greatly. 

So after 5x5, I did the famous reddit PPL program. I absolutely loved doing this and did so for a looooong time (a good 2/3rds of a year). After the weights got a little heavier, I basically combined PPL with rep scheme elements of Madcow 5x5 to better handle the big numbers. 

Next? Went on to Wendler’s 5/3/1. After appreciating Madcow’s 5x5 rep scheme so much, this fit the bill perfectly. Upon first reading the routine of 5/3/1, I found it incredibly intriguing and relevant to my current standing. I found the importance of accessory/assistance exercises and thoroughly enjoyed Wendler’s recommended examples before incorporating some of my own. Over the course of this program, my performance in the gym increased GREATLY. I rate this program very very highly.

Now? I’m on my last mesocycle of 5/3/1, on the 1 trm week. I have already performed my deadlift & bench 1 trms and look to do my OHP & Squat 1 trms later on this week. School just started so I’m definitely gonna have to balance that with my sleep and workout regimen (dont look forward to this at all). I’m still deciding what to do next after 5/3/1; right now it’s really down to either Beyond 5/3/1 or nSun’s 5/3/1 (feel like this is the next 5x5 in terms of hype haha). Either way, a new goal of mine is to incorporate more conditioning work into my routines. Finally copped an Inzer belt and looking to get SBD knee sleeves so needless to say at this time I’m ready to take things to the next level. Hopefully I hit the 1k club real soon! 

Diet wise, I was always on and off. When I first started taking my diet seriously, I had focused on gaining 10 lbs (meaning a 3k calorie goal which was incredibly difficult to attain). I wanted to bulk up 10 lbs and then cut back to ~155. I probably gained 5 or so pounds before I gave up haha. Regardless, I am now back at 155 and am using a intermittent fasting + recomp diet which basically consists of a 16 hour fasting period / 8 hour feeding period (two meals a day) targeting fat loss and muscle gain. I’ll definitely go into greater detail in a future post. In regards to tracking, last summer I began using myfitnesspal and I will say, the bar code scanning feature blew my mind. I kept track for a while, then got lazy but overall I feel it did help me watch my diet greatly. Highly recommended for anyone trying to start a diet! Nowadays, I just use the Samsung Health app on my phone which more or less does the same job. 

I’ll begin my blog with a post summarizing my 5/3/1 experience when I complete my last OHP/Squat 1 trms and deloads. 

Wow. writing this up was funner than i thought it would be. Honestly I forgot how destressing writing can be. Gonna try to make my blog fancy and all later on haha (learned a lot about HTML/CSS this summer). Shoutout to Kero One for the chill tunes while I wrote this. 

[crashpaddiaries]

Dear Crashpad Diary #18

Well well well… haha How are you doing?? Sweeeeeet, right?!?!

the end is coming haha and I´d say that it is a peculiar feeling… don’t wanna the hampi trip to come to an end but I´m looking forward to see my bro and find out what Nepal reserves… I have no doubt that it will be epic and the experience will make me love the country… exactly like happened with India!! =)

Well… India will always be in my heart and soul… but for some people, also in their skin!! haha

Don´t get me wrong… there is nothing to do with tattoos or any kinda skin art haha its more related to the bikes… motorbikes!! hahaha I would never get a motorbike normally… I think it wouldn’t work out well for me and I would… because of the speed that I could reach… hug some light post or wall quickly…. that is the main reason for not handle me a bike peeps hahahaha

However…. there are some people that know how to drive and so on and rent bikes in Hampi to make it easier the transport… also… laziness hahaha were here for almost 3 months and we did pretty much everything walking… the things far away we had to take bus and tuktuk.. but its rare though haha

Anyway… people get the bikes here… but what they normally don’t consider is that they are different bikes… those that does not matter what do you wanna… it has its own will and will not give the chance to change it hahahah

We have seen so many people with huge scratches and bandages in all parts haha feet and arms are the most likely targets but backs…knees… faces… even the top of the feet haha I think the guys that rent the bikes have some sort of connection with the shops that sell antiseptics, tapes, bandaids and all this stuff hahahah

We had some friends that were fancying living on the edge and decided rent a a bike… a couple from England and two friends from Germany…  the couple ended up few times inside the rice fields hahaha the best part was listening to their story…

Ben was driving and told us that the front wheel was acting weird… he was turning to the left and the thing to the right… the bikes are pretty stubborn hahaha… so he tried to avoid and got straight to the rice field…. as soon as he pushed the bike back to the road… Laura told him: “Let me drive cuz you clearly dont know how to drive the bike…” … He handled the bike and she tried to turn right and the bike went left… just because she wanted to check the other side of the rice field… not because the bike was mean!! hahahahaha In the end they pushed the bike back to the guy who rented and got their money back!! hahaha

Fortunately, they didn’t get hurt… kinda mud wet and with feel cereals on their pockets hahaha

On the other hand… Oscar and Ehmer didn’t have the same luck… they were the germans on the other evil bike… on day we met them coming back from the waterfall and when they were heading there we could foresee that the future (or the bike) wasn’t holding something good for them…. as they departed in an uncontrollable zig-zag towards the waterfall…. Later that day we heard they got in an accident…. nothing too serious but India will be remembered through all the scartissues hahaha

Climbing-wise… I know.. I haven’t been writing much about the climbing… we keep doing pretty often and having fun and all!! =)

…as the time passes we’ve been trying harder problems… working on our limits and trying to raise the level… its enjoyable and I´m having great fun… but working the whole time on your limits sometimes means… no sends for a while… which is quite hard… The good thing is that Alfonso came to visit us and we had awesome sessions together… sweet rest days… and loads of skin layers from our fingertips vanishing hahaha

I actually don’t know what disappeared faster… the weeks he was here or my skin hahaha Well… when we are having good times the clock seems to go into fast forward mode right?! haha

After that I had to take few days resting as I was working on 7bs and 7cs constantly… sadly got close to get some but didn’t finish anything for at least 3 weeks hahaha how the south africans would say: Shame!! hahaha  

I, in fact tried to get going and went to another session with Fabi, to try the Goan Corner… one of the classics here…. woke up at 5:30… we were there around 6… and by the time the sun rises we have few minutes to try before it gets too hot… haha I only needed 3 tries to understand that I should not go for it hahaha I wasn’t having fun… my body wasn’t working well… my mind and body were completely disconnected and everything was feeling forced…. I spotted and went home rest haha

I had never thought that I would say that but I was looking forward to not climb for a while and recover… mainly my stated of psycheness hahahaha

Well… didn’t take too long too be psyched for climbing again… 3 days and I was looking at the columns and finding crimps were normal people see the mass that keep the bricks together hahahaha

Something that I´m loving though is the slackline… I have one and always get some sessions and some tries on rest days… but here there is one in our guest house… so easy… whenever I have time I hop on… and the days I wasnt climbing… the slackline was the activity…. I got awesome seshs and improved incredibly… to certain point that I was having more fun with the slackline than the climbing hahahaha (I said that whispering so no one will hear) hahahaha What an heresy hahahahaha

The thing is that maybe 10 years ago I saw a video called “Gibbon Kids” where they jumped… walked… did loads of mad tricks on the line and I was like: Wow… I wish I could do that… and that…”…. well… after the boost I can get loads of those tricks hahahah awesome jumpy times here hahahahahaha

Don´t worry (chicken curry)…. hahahah I´m back to climbing… had a great sesh these days… got an 7b and 2 new 7as in one morning!! hoooooray!!! =) Plus…. at the same session we discovered how to make liquid chalk… hahaha I´ll put up the steps in the end of this post hahaha

I forgot to mention something small that happened when Alfonso was here… we almost got busted by the police at the temples hahaha

He wanted to get the same picture as the front cover of the guide book…. Him climbing the egg shaped rock with the temples on the back… so… there we went… he put the shoes on… I got the camera and he ran sneakily towards the boulder… I got all the moves until the police started shouting and whistling telling him to get out of that rock…. it seems that those are holy rocks now…. and 10 years ago they had not reached the sacred lever… thats why it was possible climbing them!! hahahah

I would be the next to get the pics…. well… you know…. spend another nite in a jail for a pics does not sound worthy hahahaha

The guys that wrote the guide book should update that info to save some assess too!! hahahah

Other than that… we didn’t have much adventure…. Stephen and I were watching 127 Hour… but he had not seen that before… so… as it was dinner time and he was about to order a pizza, I asked if he gets sick with blood… he told me not and we got the movie going one…. the first part is great and the pizza was not ready… cuz you know…. murphy´s law…. hahahahah As soon as the guy got the arm stuck the pizza came flaming and smelling scrumptiously…. (spoil alert… actually… the movie is way to old… you should have seen it ages ago!! =) )…. by the time the guy cuts his arms the pizza was already trying to be digested in his stomach… something hard when you see a surgery well played on the screen…. so Stephen stood up and, as the germans on that bike…. departed fast in an uncontrollable zig-zag towards our room hahahaha I tried to go with him but all the stuff were still on the table and he told me to mind it hahaha wasn’t funny cuz he got sick…. actually was funny but fortunately he made it to our room without scratches or diving into the rice fields hahahaha Just kidding…. he is fine!! =)

For the gran finale… the Chalkitiser!!! I was in a great sesh with Esther… enjoying the cool breeze coming through the little cave… was midday or so… not much to do…. started wondering about the sanitiser…. that really dries up the hand…which is exactly the point of the liquid chalk…. so I told her… why not use the sanitiser and than chalk it up for climbing??

When she came with the best idea ever… why not mix the sanitiser with the powder??? hahahaha

That´s it… if you want liquid chalk you simply have to get a bottle of liquid sanitiser… which is pretty much alcohol…. mix with chalk and voilá!! haha Liquid chalk that helps you to get rid of 99.9% of the germs… raise up the level of you climbing… and simultaneously hydrates your hands as it has Aloe Vera!! hahahahah

Reading the post, It could think that it´s a joke… but the thing works and we tested while climbing hahahah give it a shot… the sanitiser costs like 10% the price of the liquid chalk and the powder you probably have…. so…. enjoy the Chalkitiser!!  hahahahaha

Cool…. this gets me up to date beasts!!

In few days we will be going to Nepal but before I will send my last project….

Keep sending awesome vibes to the universe and the universe will return it back stronger!! Smile and you´ll get loads of smiley friends in this world!!

Good vibes and talk to you soon!!

Evan