#i’ve spent the last 4 hours watching videos seeing pictures listening to her music and her covers

[londyboobs]

sad to inform that there’s no room for anything else inside my brain, just this woman and everything she does

[behindtherobinsmask]

tagged by @runnfromtheak

Rules: list the first lines of your last ten stories. See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. I write the most random things so if you can actually find a pattern then... let me know. Help a fool out. 

P.S. - I know it says opening line and not paragraph but come on, that doesn’t do any story justice.

Gonna do my tags before because this turned out to be longer than expected - @elwon @stevieraebarnes @epistemologys 

1. All The Times Damian Wayne Felt Loved 

This was a birthday fic I wrote for a darling friend of mine. The whole time I was writing this my biggest fear was that the characters were going to... just not be right. Still have that fear.

“Gripping onto a pillow, Damian walked down the dark halls of his grandfather’s house, uncertainty clouding every step that he made. At this hour of the night, no one seemed to be around yet he could feel eyes watching his every move. The eyes of the stars in the sky, the moon and the many trained soldiers that had years of practice when it came to blending into the shadows. It was their presence that forced him to walk with his head held high, to bat away the tears in his eyes and pretend that everything was alright. Pretend that he wasn’t afraid.”

2. To all the stars that are listening

Another birthday fic (maybe that was the pattern all along jk). I actually really enjoyed writing this fic because I felt like I was back in my zone (my zone being angst). Can’t wait to get started on the second part.

“Dick’s life had been anything but ordinary since he was a child. As someone who grew up in the circus, his morning was spent studying with the other kids that travelled with his troupe while in the afternoon, he practiced with his heart and soul to fly as beautifully as his parents. In the nights, he’d stand on the sidelines and watch them perform, absolutely awed by the way their bodies moved, each twist, each turn so seamless, every difficult stunt seemed easy in their skin. Clinging onto the edge of the tent, he wished with all his heart that someday, he could be just like them. A bird freed. With every wish, his voice grew louder and louder until somewhere, up above, a star heard his cry. It heard his desire to be free. The chains that grounded him slowly slipped away and he flew with practiced grace. And just as Dick spread his wings, his parents fell. Birds flightless.

Freedom he had asked for and freedom he had received.”

3. Come here, won’t you hold my hand?

Listen, I spend hours of my life playing genshin impact. Did you really think I wouldn’t write a fic for it? 

“After chasing the traveler away, Xiao sighed, wondering if now was the time to head back to Wangshu Inn. There he could stay away from the harbour and its people, away from the wishes made on stars that could never hear them, away from their fragile happiness that he could shatter with a single touch. Someone like Xiao, so burdened with sins, could never mingle among the mortals without bringing harm. Wherever he went, only misery ever followed. But even though he knew that it would be best for him to leave, a part of him, as silly as it was, worried that the journey back would make him miss out on the opportunity to see an old friend. While he never attended the Lantern Rite in Liyue, he always made sure to catch a glimpse of the Mingxiao lantern that always honored the adepti. It was only at that moment that he could lose himself to the past momentarily and remember a time when he wasn’t so alone, when his battle wasn’t only his to fight.”

4. Jon Kent Must Die

A jaydick flashfic challenge gave birth to this crack series and I will happily go down with this ship. I’ve written too many of these and maybe, in the future I’ll write more. Who will stop me? God? I don’t think so. 

“Damian was sick and tired of his siblings.

Never had he met two people who were so dependent on their partners that they needed them around 24/7. It didn’t matter whether it was day or not, whether they were at the manor or in their respective homes, wherever his brothers went, their fool boyfriends seemed to follow. The obligatory family dinner had been turned into a circus with Todd’s usual clownery that had Damian rolling his eyes so hard that sometimes he was afraid they’d just pop out of his skull. Kent was no better. In fact, on more than one occasion, he had encouraged Todd’s rambling as though he was God’s chosen prophet, sharing his truth with the world. Damian really wished, just for a day, the two of them would simply go away. It wasn’t that he missed his siblings or anything. He just wished to have a conversation with Richard that didn’t end with him wanting to stab someone. Hopefully a 5’11 man with black hair with a streak of white and deep green eyes that could find a conspiracy in Titus’s preferred pose for napping.”

5. I wanna be in your arms by the sea (studying your freckles so curiously)

Yes. It’s another genshin impact fic. Sue me. (Please don’t I’m broke).

“Every night, Zhongli saw the same dream.

Caressed by the gentle winds of the Guili plains, he watched over his people, Guizhong’s people as they lived in prosperity, enjoying the calm and gentle wind that wrapped around them. Serenity was a blessing and they had an abundance of it. In the beginning, when Guizhong had described such a scene, something knit carefully in her imagination, he had not believed her. But now that he was seeing with his own two eyes, he was glad that he had agreed to her terms. Glad that he had formed a contract that had been beneficial for all.”

6. I stay up late and talk to the moon (And I can’t stop telling her all about you)

A christmas exchange fic that I loved writing because it really got me back into the writing for jaydick. It had been a while since I touched anything fandom related. Then this story happened. 

“According to Jason, there weren’t many things that Bruce really got right. Not with his rules that could never be bent for anyone or his sickeningly righteous sense of justice. But if there was one thing Bruce excelled in, it was throwing the world’s most boring party ever. Every event that ever took place in the Wayne manor was the same. Classical music. Champagne flutes. Appetizers that could never replicate Alfred’s cooking and finally, the same old rich folks of Gotham who needed to be filled in on the latest gossip lest they melt into a puddle.”  

7. Now I’m going down on you (proving what I want is true) Who told me I could write smut? Please take away my license. “Click. Click. Click. With a heavy sigh, Dick switched off the TV and tossed the remote aside after an hour of clicking through the channels, unable to find anything that would keep his mind occupied. Two weeks ago, during a drug bust with the rest of the bats, Dick had suffered an injury to his shoulder which he considered rather minor. But Alfred and Barbara said otherwise as he was benched until he healed, his own city taken over by other vigilantes while he was forced to sit at home and entertain himself with murder mysteries with plot twists he saw coming from a mile away. Unfortunately, even when he hit the gym to let go of some restless energy, he could only do the most basic of workouts, the kind that simply weren’t enough for someone who was so used to being active all day long.”

8. Wayne Boys Unsolved

Another crack fic that I really enjoyed writing. Poor Yvonne though. She was really suffering. 

“Yvonne’s body was thrumming with excitement as she peeked out the window of her room, her eyes falling on the black car that just pulled up in front of her house. Four boys stepped out, ones that she was so very familiar with. After all, she had spent many nights watching every single video they uploaded on their blog. They were paranormal investigators of sorts, the kind that didn’t believe in the supernatural and lived to debunk the stories that revolved around each haunted location. Because people loved to watch them so, both alive and dead, the boys had become famous in every circle possible.”

9. You make me wanna die (I’m burning up in the light)

Another birthday fic and the first dark story I ever wrote. Writing this was fun but also nerve-wracking. 

“I think we need a break.

Two years, three months, four days and seven hours. That was how long it had been since Jason had said those words to Dick, sitting in the middle of the bed they shared, silk sheets pooled around his scarred waist, the white of his hair sticking to his forehead with sweat, droplets of it swimming down his throat and across his bare chest that was bruised red with bite marks, across the autopsy scar that he had been reborn with. He looked like a picture, each feature painted so delicately with colours that pulled, that hypnotised and drowned. The fingers of his right hand flexed, parted and then brushed across the back of his neck, tracing the bond mark that tied him down to Dick, shuddering slightly under the imprint, his heady scent spreading across the room like a drug. Strong, so fucking strong that Dick could still taste it on his tongue. Looking like that, after everything they had done, when he opened his mouth, when he said the words that had been sitting on the tipping of his tongue, it was only to end everything that they were.”

10. Come fire up the night (make me feel alive)

Who told me I could write smut (2)

“Staring at the ceiling of his apartment, Dick lay in his bed, tired but unable to fall asleep, the ticking of the clock haunting him. Tick. He took in a deep breath. Tock. He closed his eyes. Tick. He tried to sleep. Tock. Every memory of Jason came rushing back to him. The dark hair with a streak of white that framed his chiselled face. The plump lower lip that he often dreamt about kissing, pulled between his teeth until Jason was groaning. The freckles that were scattered across his nose and cheeks. Those deep green orbs that gleamed with mischief, teasing and taunting, burning with unbridled fury, one look enough to make Dick’s knees tremble. And as goosebumps spread across his arms, he found himself waking up, lest he did something that he knew he would regret. Like calling up Jason and confessing feelings that were better left unspoken, buried in a special graveyard from which there would be no sudden resurrections.”

[caws5749]

This took SO LONG thanks @natthisback

1: Name Madison

2: Age 21

3: 3 fears spiders, not becoming a doctor, becoming like my parents

4: 3 things i love marvel movies, my blanket (whoops), and scrunchies

5: 4 turn ons compliment me, be chivalrous, (idk if this means sex turn on too or not but) moaning my n- ANYWHO uh and the last one definitely like showing you want me

6: 4 turn offs someone who only talks about themselves, being like wishy washy, being arrogant/cocky, complaining about the same things

7: my best friend that would be shea @cloversofshea

8: sexual orientation lesbian

9: my best first date okay SO this like isn’t a first date but it was my first like nicer dinner date so I’m gonna count it. It was just this past weekend actually and i just i loved it so much it was amazing

10: how tall am i 5’2

11: what do i miss honestly, feeling like i was good at things

12: what time were i born 11:14am

13: favorite color purple, although it’s slowly been turning to like a baby light pink

14: do i have a crush yes yes i do and i likes her a lot

15: favorite quote “Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I.”

16: favorite place Chicago or New York City

17: favorite food SALMON

18: do i use sarcasm yes, but i feel like i don’t use it as much as i used to

19: what am i listening to right now Christmas pop playlist on Spotify

20: first thing i notice in new person whether they only talk about themselves

21: shoe size 8 or 8.5

22: eye color blue

23: hair color right now, it’s a brown that goes to blond at my ends

24: favorite style of clothing so if this means like fav style to wear daily, definitely athleisure. If it means in general, i love love love preppy looks? But not super preppy.

25: ever done a prank call? Absolutely, many times

27: meaning behind my url i explain this in my about me page (linked in bio!)

28: favorite movie captain America winter soldier

29: favorite song i don’t really have favorite songs but rn it’s prob December night by Michael buble

30: favorite band i don’t really have fav bands

31: how i feel right now it’s really hot in here, so warm. I feel okay

32: someone i love i love lots of people but ill stick with @cloversofshea

33: my current relationship status I’ve answered this so many times literally just look at the ask game tag

34: my relationship with my parents um yikes

35: favorite holiday Halloween

36: tattoos and piercing i have i have 6 tattoos! “Breathe” on my right inner ankle, a heart on left shoulder, heart w equal sign in it behind right ear, basically an ecg on my left inner ankle, Aquarius symbol on right bicep, and caws 5749 on my left side. And my ears are pierced.

37: tattoos and piercing i want definitely the black widow symbol in the same place Scarlett got her og6 tattoo, an amino acid tattoo that spells out “wah” , definitely more little tattoos! And maybe more ear piercings idk

38: the reason i joined tumblr so, I’ve had a tumblr for many many years. I originally joined bc my best friends at the time had them, and i was like sure! Ive deleted that personal blog since, and started my new personal blog a few years ago. I also have a studyblr that i started i think back in high school, and i just started this blog back in the end of July!

39: do i and my last ex hate each other no, I’d say far from it bc i likes her a lot

40: do i ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts yes from her and i fucking love it, it used to be a bigger thing almost every day and i loved it

41: have i ever kissed the last person i texted lmao no and for those who were wondering it is @cloversofshea

42: when did i last hold hands LMAO WITH @michelinaamour WHEN I WAS STUMBLING HOME DRUNK IN HIGH HEELS

43: how long does it take me to get ready in the morning it depends, anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and a half

44: have you shaved your legs in the past three days no! I am super lucky and have really light colored hairs on my legs and so i dont’ have to shave very often. Also i just want to say that i personally love shaving my legs and it is my choice to do so.. girls, you do not need to shave!!

45: where am i right now so i started answering this in the research lab, but i am currently sitting at one of the dining places on campus finishing it

46: if i were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me LMAO DEFINITELY @michelinaamour because she’s done it ALREADY FOR ME MULTIPLE TIMES

47: do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level it depends, in car trips, definitely blast it. But just driving around or listening in doors, definitely reasonable level

48: do i live with my mom and dad nope i live with @michelinaamour

49: am i excited for anything yes, I’m excited for lots of things. I get excited easily

50: do i have someone of the opposite sex i can tell everything to no. I used to

51: how often do i wear a fake smile this is a really interesting question. I don’t consider smiles i give to random people like ordering food or something to be fake, so i would say fake smiles are when I’m not okay and trying to hide it. Which happens less often now bc I’m just much happier of a person

52: when was the last time i hugged someone I think it was @michelinaamour two days ago but i think i hugged @cloversofshea that day too so

53: what if the last person i kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me I’d be heartbroken tbh

54: is there anyone i trust even though i should not yes, certain adults in my life

55: what is something i disliked about today my hair won’t do what i want it to :(

56: if i could meet anyone on this earth who would it be probably Chris Evans or Scarlett Johansson

57: what do i think about the most tumblr and everything with that, or probably her or school stuff definitely

58: what’s my strangest talent i don’t think i have any lol

59: do i have any strange phobias yes definitely haha, I’m terrified of stepping on worms

60: do i prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it i think a few years ago i would have said behind, but honestly I think I’d love to be in front of the camera now

61: what was the last lie i told i actually don’t know. Maybe this past weekend as to like the fact that i was going out on a date instead of just going out with a friend

62: do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online I’d say talking on the phone bc then they cant’ see me lmao

63: do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and yes

64: do i believe in magic? Yes, or at least, that’s what i tell myself

65: do i believe in luck yes

66: what’s the weather like right now snowy!

67: what was the last book I’ve ever read The Butchering Art, it’s about the history of surgery

68: do i like the smell of gasoline omg yes yes yes yes yes yes

69: do i have any nicknames yes, madz, madi, girl who lives by the kitchen, queen (a new one) and clown (also a new one) thanks @natthisback

70: what was the worst injury I’ve ever had back in freshman year of college, i did something stupid and my foot swelled up like hell and hurt so bad. There were no fractures detected but the swelling stayed for a really long time, as well as the bruising and pain, and it never returned to normal

71: do i spent my money or save it SPEND IT BABY

72: can i touch my nose w my tongue no I’m not that talented

73: is there anything pink in 10 ft from me. Hmm part of my backpack? And my rings are pinkish bc they are rose gold. Oh and my scrunchie is pink, as well as my iPad

74: favorite animal cat

75: what was i doing last night at 12am i was still at work In the emergency room!

76: what do i think satan’s last name is uh honestly Jim lmao (it’s demons Jim! @cloversofshea )

77: what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it so good by dove Cameron

78: how can you win my heart suggest we watch a marvel movie, and I’m prob straight up in love. There are other things too but they’re pretty general, like compliment me, show you want me ya know

79: what would i want to be written on my tombstone haha, as a joke, “so realy its very thing. Just to keep everyone guessing.” But idk something funny

80: what is my favorite word i have no idea, maybe like sophisticated or something like that or aesthetic , champagne is a good one too

81: my top 5 blogs on tumblr ooh! Okay so @markiplier @lesbian-deadpool @americasass-romanoff @lesbianmariahilll @shining-rey-of-sunshine but i love so so so so so many more, and i have a lot of top blogs

82: if the whole world were listening to me right now what would i say fuck trump also I’m gay as hell and I’m growing tired of hiding it from people

83: do i have any relatives in jail not that i know of

84: i accidentally eat some radioactive vegatables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super power of my choice! What is that power lmao this question is great. Prob same powers as Wanda

85: what would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on any weird fetis- JUST KIDDING. Do you still think about them?

86: what is my current desktop picture so on my laptop, it’s fall flowers. But since that’s broken af, i use my iPad and that background is one of the apple ones. It’s just a beach idk why but I’ve never changed it

87: had sex WHY IS THIS IN EVERY SINGLE ASK GAME WTF

88: bought condoms nope i am gay as hell bye

89: gotten pregnant nope i am gay as hell bye

90: failed a class nope, definitely come close though

91: kissed a boy yes

92: kissed a girl yes

93: have i ever kissed somebody in th rain honestly, probably at some point, but I’ve never had one of those romantic kisses in the rain. I really really want to though and i think about it a lot

94: had job yeah, I’ve had three true jobs

95: left the house without my wallet probably

96: bullied someone on the internet no bc I’m not a fucking douche

97: had sex in public not yet

98: played on a sports team yeah, played softball and basketball in middle school

99: smoked weed yeah, but i didn’t get high

100: did drugs nope

101: smoked cigarettes nope, i think i asked drunk once if i could smoke, but my friend was like “really?” And i was like uhhhhhh just kidding haha

102: drank alcohol lmao i drink fucking all the time i mean. I literally have drunk writing nights , I’m drinking tonight too

103: am i a vegetarian/vegan i was a vegetarian for a while, and then an aspiring vegan, and then vegetarian, and then pescatarian now!

104: been overweight no

105: been underweight yes

106: been to a wedding yeah, but like not for a long time. I was like 4 and the flower girl. Oh WAIT. Does playing a wedding count? I played cello at a wedding so i was there???

107: been on the computer for 5 hours straight hell yeah, how would i function not doing this with class and relaxing

108: watched tv for 5 hours straight lmao definitely

109: been outside my home country yeah

110: gotten my heart broken yeah

111: been to a professional sports game yeah. I don’t really do sports though , so when i go it’s usually in suites and I’m just there for the food

112: broken a bone nope!

113: cut myself this is...a. Really deep question but bc i want to be able to speak about mental health on here, the answer is yes.

114: been to prom yes! I went to my junior and senior proms!

115: been in airplane too many times

116: fly by helicopter no, I’m not sure if i want to do this or not

117: what concerts have i been to I’ve been to lots. So first off, I’ve been to hundreds of classical concerts (and performed in them). As for pop, Bruno mars twice, maroon five like three times. Selena Gomez. Josh groban. American authors. Definitely others that i don’t remember

118: had a crush on someone of the same sex yes I’m fucking gay

119: learned another language so if this means fluent, no. I took a decent amount of French and am learning Russian right now!

120: wore make up absolutely. When i choose to wear makeup, its because i fuckign love makeup haha. Most days I’m lazy though and like to let my skin breathe and be natural

121: lost my virginity before I was 18 no

122: had oral sex yeah

123: dyed my hair many times

124: voted in a presidential election okay i think so but honestly can’t remember. But I’m pretty sure i did.

125: rode in an ambulance no and i never want to.

126: had a surgery no and i never want to haha. Well i cant say that. Depending on how my life plays out, I might freeze my eggs or something.

127: met someone famous yes, several I think, but probably Henry winkler was the one I remember most.

128: stalked someone on a social network yeah

129: peed outside nope don’t think so and definitely don’t want to

130: been fishing yes I have been ice fishing and regular fishing

131: helped w charity i have!

132: been rejected by a crush I’ve been not liked back but i don’t think I’ve ever made like a move on a crush and been rejected

133: broken a mirror ooh i don’t think i have actually

134: what do i want for birthday nothing bc i dont’ like my bday

[agentunwin]

Why [Popstar!Y/N x Shawn Mendes] [Part 2]

A/N: [REQUESTS ARE OPEN!] This chap. is written in 3rd person! It’s also just fluff lmao. Woops

Prompt: After the hitting it off at the photo shoot, Shawn keeps his promise and shows you around his favorite places in Toronto. [Based off Shawn’s song Why].

Words: 2,459

Warnings: Cursing

Tag: @yourwonderbelle

Part 1, Part 3, Part 4*

-

A knocking at the hotel room door caused Y/N to stir, groaning loudly into her pillow. Her hands blindly felt around for her phone. When she finally found it, her tired eyes roamed over the texts she’d missed, a small smile playing on her lips.

From: Shawn

hey, this is shawn! noel gave me ur #

what kind of coffee do u like?

hello??

Y/N chuckled to herself, thinking of how nice it would be to get texts from him every morning. But she was getting too ahead of herself. 

The knocking occurred again, finally catching her full attention. With a sigh she climbed out of bed and to the door, swinging it open, expecting to see Noel or her bodyguard. 

Instead, there Shawn stood, and her cheeks went bright red. He stood in his sweatpants and jean jacket, hair curly and wild, and Y/N wondered how someone could look so perfect so early in the morning. Meanwhile, she stood in front of him with only a t-shirt and panties, her hair looking like she just completed the walk of shame.

In his hand was a cardboard cup tray with all 4 of the holes holding 4 different drinks. He smiled at the girl bashfully, “Hey, your bodyguard let me up. And uh, you didn’t respond to my texts, so I just bought 4 different coffees for you to pick from..”

All she could do was giggle, holding her burning face in her hands. “Come in, I’m so sorry I’m only just waking up.”

“It’s cool, I just wanted to come by a little early so we’d have a lot of time later.” Shawn assured her, placing the coffees on the table. “When do you leave, by the way?”

“Tomorrow morning.” Y/N frowned, suddenly feeling uncomfortable standing in front of him, practically bare. She crossed her arms over her chest for a little bit of decency and Shawn noticed this, his own face going beet red.

“Oh, shit, I’m so sorry, Y/N!” He raised his hands, turning around to face the window. “I didn’t even notice you weren’t dressed. I’ll leave and come back if you want me to?”

“It’s okay, Shawn.” She shook her head, bending down to gather clothes from her suitcase, “I’m going to go get ready, and we can leave when I come out.”

-

Y/N grabbed the coffee cup she’d chosen from Shawn, bringing it to her lips, taking a sip, and leaving a noticeable ring of lipstick in its wake. Shawn, across the small cafe table, was busy pouring an excess amount of sweetener into his own cup, cursing to himself when he finally gave up on trying to change it.

“This is nice,” Y/N spoke, looking around the breakfast spot he’d guided her to first. It wasn’t crowded and they sat on the outside patio facing the street, peacefully watching the cars and people go by. “Do you come here a lot?”

“Not really, but it is one of my favorites.” He smiled, nodding his head as he leaned his arms on the table. “I wish I could come more, but people start noticing where you go, ya’know? So now, it’s more of a special occasion place.”

Y/N hummed in agreement, her fingers lightly circling the rim of her coffee cup. “Well in that case, I’m honored.”

Shawn gave the girl a weepish smile and, as it had been all morning, she felt her heart melting at the looks he gave her. The waitress came to the table carrying a tray of their food and set their respective orders in front of the two.

“This looks so good, oh my god.” Y/N moaned to herself, taking out her phone. She wasn’t one to take pictures of her food, but this time, she couldn’t help it. The pancakes were perfectly brown and covered in strawberries and powdered sugar. Shawn, on the other hand, settled for french toast and eggs.

“So,” She began, picking up her fork and turning her attention back to him, “Tell me about yourself!”

“Not much to say.” Shawn shrugged, averting his gaze from hers.

“Oh, come on.” Y/N rolled her eyes, pausing to stuff her mouth with a strawberry. “Don’t get boring on me now. Tell me everything.”

He laughed and grabbed a napkin to clean his lips, licking them over before he began speaking again. “Well, I was born here in Toronto, raised about an hour out, though. I never really wanted to be a singer when I grew up but then I saw Youtube videos of people playing guitar and it captivated me. I got one and taught myself how to play and my career really took off when I started posting videos on Vine.”

Y/N shook her head, smiling as the boy went on and on about his life and journey. There were a few times he would go on off topic tangents and tell stories about tours or his friends, and the passion in his voice only further enthralled the girl.

“What about you?” Shawn suddenly asked, taking her off guard when she realized she’d been daydreaming.

She cleared her throat in embarrassment, “I’m sorry, what?”

“Where are you from?” He pressed further just as his phone dinged with a message. Y/N didn’t begin speaking, concerned that the message may have been important. Shawn brought his phone to his face and read over the message, internally groaning.

From: Geoff

Idk what u think ur doing and i wont question you, but pics are already online of u two. be careful

“Is everything okay?” She spoke up as he set his phone back down. 

Shawn nodded quickly, but she could tell that something was off about him. “My friend says there’s already pictures of us. We haven’t even been here for an hour yet, that’s crazy.”

Y/N shrugged nonchalantly, pushing her empty plate to the side. “Oh well. It’s not a big deal.”

“People will assume, though..”

“Isn’t the idea of dating me so horrifying?” She quipped sarcastically, making him laugh loudly. “Kidding, but seriously, who cares. People will always assume, we shouldn’t care so much about what they think.”

Shawn pondered for a moment over her words, a comfortable silence falling over the two. He then nodded extremely exaggerated, gathering his trash and piling it onto the plate.

“You’re completely right. Are you ready to go?”

-

“You play any instruments?” Shawn inquired, turning onto some street as the two made their way to, possibly, the last destination of the night.

The sun hadn’t begun to set yet, but it was nearing 5:00, and Shawn insisted that whatever he had planned next would take up the rest of the night.

The time before that was spent walking around the streets of Toronto as he gave her a tour, not missing a single spot. Then, they were on their way to a mall where they’d spent hours shopping together, bonding when she’d embarrassingly dragged him into Victoria’s Secret and he dragged her into every single jewelry store to check out their rings and watches. They also sat at the food court for a long time, and miraculously, nobody had come up to ask for pictures or bother the two. However, this didn’t mean they didn’t spot the paparazzi trying to be sneaky and snap pictures from afar.

Neither of them let it bother them, though.

“No..” Y/N responded, leaning back in the seat as he handed her the aux cord. “But I’ve always wanted to learn how to play guitar.”

“So why haven’t you?” 

She shrugged and bit her lip as her own song began playing over the speakers. “I don’t know, I keep making excuses. I don’t have a guitar, I don’t have time, bla bla.”

Shawn remains silent and she shuts her eyes as he continues down the road.

After 30 minutes he finally pulls into a parking space. When he looks over, he’s not surprised to see Y/N napping peacefully, her head resting on her shoulder. He bites his lip and pulls out his phone, snapping a quick picture of her, flinching hard when he realized the flash was on.

He cursed under his breath when she stirred awake, rubbing at her tired eyes. “What was that?”

“I don’t know!” He said quickly, rubbing the back of his head nervously. “I- Uh- We’re here.. It’s just a small walk.”

She sniffed and nodded, slapping her cheeks a few times to wake herself up. They exited the car together and for the first time that day, they’re approached.

It’s a big group of fans, mostly for Shawn, but some for Y/N. They bombard the two with questions, however none of them asked if they were dating, which they were grateful for. 

Y/N and Shawn were there for a good 20 minutes, taking pictures and talking with fans. A lot of Shawn fans would come up to her and ask about him- What he’s like, what kind of music he listens to, and other things. To which she could only reply by saying “He’s nice” and “I don’t know, I’ve only known him for a day.”

Eventually Shawn was able to ward them off and the two of you were alone again. He popped the trunk to his SUV and got out a large guitar case and a bag. Y/N cocked her head at him but he only motioned for her to follow him.

It was then that she realized where they were; A beach. Now, the sun was beginning to make its descent, casting a beautiful golden glow over the sand. There weren’t many people there- Some were fans from earlier, keeping their distance and watching the two from a respectable distance. And, of course, paps kept their distance as well.

Shawn guided Y/N to the most secluded area he could spot, closer to where the water reached. 

“Can you lay out these towels?” He asked, handing her the bag from earlier. She nodded as he set down his guitar case and got to work on whatever he was doing. Grabbing the towels, she set them down next to one another, placing them in close proximity on purpose.

That wasn’t all that was at the bottom of the bag, however. You reached further and pulled out a container of shortcake cups, a can of whipped cream, wine glasses wrapped in tissue, and a bottle of too-expensive champagne.

“You really went all out.” She commented, settling herself on her towel.

“Only the best for my newest friend.” He smiled, though this time, it didn’t seem convincing even to himself.

He popped the champagne open and Y/N unwrapped one of the wine glasses, reaching it out for him to pour some in. She hummed in appreciation and watched as Shawn clumsily made a hole in the sand to place the bottle in.

He then reached for his guitar, sighing and placing it on his lap. His skilled fingers began to move expertly over the strings, playing a beautiful melody. Y/N merely watched and admired, a beautiful grin on her face.

She was caught off guard when the boy suddenly stopped and pushed the guitar her way. 

He chuckled and insisted, grabbing the glass from her hand and replacing it with his guitar. “I’ll help you, come on.”

With a groan, she gives in, letting him do whatever he wanted. He smiles lazily as he moved her fingers into different positions, explaining the different notes and how to get the best sounds out of them. 

After about 2 hours he’d finally managed to teach her the melody he was playing earlier, a clip from one of his songs. Neither of them could deny the spark that flew every time he touched her or the tingle that shot down their spines when the other spoke.

The rest of the night was spent in comfortable silence, listening to music, eating shortcakes, and drinking champagne. The two were sprawled out on the towels, however, managed to still keep their distance.

Y/N must have been even more tired than she thought, as her eyes fell, and they didn’t open again until Shawn was gently tapping her once again, jolting her awake.

And all of a sudden, she was back in the truck.

“Hey, sleepy head.” He chuckled, walking around to her side of the truck and opening her door. “You fell asleep at the beach. We’re back at the hotel now.”

“Shit, I’m so sorry..” Y/N groaned, sitting up and willing herself to hop out of the car. “Thanks for carrying me, though, you didn’t have to do that..”

“It’s the least I could do since I was the one who wore you out.” He smiles, stuffing his hands in his pockets awkwardly.

The two stood there in silence for a long time, just staring at each other. He towered over her and the height difference made his heart swell, but he’d never admit that.

“Well.” She broke their silence, clapping her hands together. “Thank you so, so much for today Shawn. You’re an amazing host. Please don’t lose touch with me after today, okay?”

“Not a chance,” He shook his head, bringing her into a tight hug. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

She laughed into his chest and he gave her a particularly squeeze, neither of them wanting to let go. However, all good things must come to an end.

He finally let her go after what felt like forever, heading back to the driver’s seat. “Now go, before I change my mind and keep you here. Have a safe flight, text me when you land!”

“Thanks!” She called, waving him off as he pulled away from the hotel, leaving her alone for the first time all day.

-

Though Shawn was gone, he still found one more way to become closer to her, as when she opened the door to her hotel room, she was met with another piece of him.

The guitar that he’d just taught her the melody on hours ago was sitting on the bed next to the case, Shawn’s signature written largely on the bottom with a smiley face and a heart. He must have found a way to sneak it in when she was sleeping in the truck.

She facepalmed and screamed happily into her hand, trying to contain her excitement. Quickly grabbing her phone, she took a picture of it and sent him a text, a perpetual mile-wide grin on her face.

To: Shawn

You sneaky devil. Thank you so so much for EVERYTHING <3

The 3 bubbles at the bottom popped up almost as soon as she’d sent the text and she bit her thumb nervously, awaiting his response.

From: Shawn

It’s no problem, honey. make me proud ;)

[kpopfanfictrash]

The Distance [ V-Day ]

Author: kpopfanfictrash 

Pairing: You / Jinyoung

Rating: 18+ [ smut + angst + college!AU ]

Word Count: 2,845

Summary: A series of drabbles about Valentine’s day and semi-bad boy!Park Jinyoung.

Your phone is a square, silver screen in the center of your palm. There’ve been no new text messages for hours, but you kept looking anyways, re-reading the messages because the silence while you wait is unbearable.

Y/N: morning [9:02 AM]

Y/N: … are we going to talk about last night? [9:31 AM]

Jinyoung: what’s there to talk about? [9:35 AM]

Y/N: maybe… idk… how you hung up on me? [9:37 AM]

Jinyoung: you told me to! [9:38 AM]

Y/N: yeah, bc I couldn’t hear over the music [9:39 AM]

Jinyoung: babe, you know this is my job… [9:40 AM]

Y/N: I know. [9:40 AM]

Y/N: I just wish that, for once, I could say goodnight to my boyfriend like a normal person [9:41 AM]

Jinyoung: babe… [9:41 AM]

Y/N: I know, I know. It’s your job. [9:42 AM]

That didn’t make it any easier.

Shortly after graduation, you went off to college and Jinyoung – well, Jinyoung had a friend starting off as a DJ. He asked Jinyoung to design the logo for his set, then the merch for the show – one thing led to another, and Jinyoung now designs graphics for artists. Not just little ones but big ones, famous artists who gain him a lot of attention and notoriety. He travels cross-country for work, city-hopping every night while you attend class for your major. He has this amazing new job, and you know this is something he loves – but being his long-term girlfriend tends to be difficult because of it.

You suppose the word is applicable – long-term. You two have been dating for four years at this point; five, if you count the amorphous eight months when you were just hooking up. That’s a long time to be together, especially with most of that time being spent apart. Two and a half years since you came to college, two and half years of dealing with missed phone calls and text messages, rushed weekend visits which never seem to be enough.  

Years of Jinyoung calling from the road, speaking in muffled corners of clubs to tell you goodnight. It’s exhausting, and the past couple of months have been the worst yet. Jinyoung is always in demand, traveling both internationally and not – there are times you don’t even know where he is, much less when he’ll call. This was the case the other night, when Jinyoung called to wake you up nearly an hour after going to bed.

“Hullo?” you groaned, clearing your throat. The room around you was dark, quiet but for the sounds of the wind.

“Babe? It’s me.”

You opened one eye. “Jinyoung?” you asked, rolling over to check the clock. “It’s nearly 1:00 AM.”

“Ah, shit,” he mumbled, sounding further away. You heard laughter in the background, the sounds of something breaking – before a door was opened and shut and his voice became suddenly clearer. “That better?”

“Yeah,” you exhaled, falling flat on your back. “What’s up?”

“Well,” Jinyoung hesitated – he sounded nervous, you noticed. “It’s been a while since we spoke.”

You said nothing to this, chewed the inside of your lip because yes, it had been awhile – this was purposeful on your end because recently, you’d just stopped calling. You stopped being the initiator, stopping making the plans because you realized it was always you doing that. You were always the one trying, always the one asking and quite frankly, you were sick of it.

To be fair, you hadn’t told him all this – which would explain Jinyoung’s current state of confusion. Rather violently, you picked at your comforter – you weren’t angry when you first picked up the phone, but hearing his voice brought all these feelings rushing back. You hadn’t talked to him in a week and this was the first time he thought of to call. You texted, yes, but didn’t say much. Just sent each other videos and memes – things which made you think of the other without really conversing.

Jinyoung: lol Jaebum sent me this last night and I thought of you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glii-kazad8 [10:08 PM]

Jinyoung: why do cities put these ‘LOOK OUT, FALLING ICE’ signs on the sidewalk? What good could that POSSIBLY do, if ice were really falling? [4:12 PM]

Jinyoung: so. there’s this sea otter at the zoo and istg it’s your friend Youngjae [1:21 PM]

These texts are fine, and you responded to each of them – but the other day you were talking to your mom and she asked how Jinyoung was. Her question floored you, because you really didn’t know. You knew he was alive, knew he was working and knew that you missed him. That was about it, though – hence the current state of iciness.

Jinyoung was silent on the other end of the line. “It’s not my imagination, is it?”

Playing with your sheets, you managed a sigh. “No, it’s not your imagination.”

“O-kay,” Jinyoung began, and you imagined him running a hand through his hair. “So, what’s this all about? Don’t make me read your mind, Y/N… I have to go back in five.”

That tendril of anger formed into a ball, dropping straight into the pit of your stomach. “Why did you call, then?” you retorted, sitting up straight. “If you knew you didn’t have time to talk, why call me at all?”

Jinyoung made a small noise of frustration. “Would you rather I didn’t?” he asked, incredulous. “I’m sorry Y/N, for whatever I did. There were a few moments I had between sets, and I figured we could talk.”

“Well, you’ve got me here now,” you grumbled. “Is that all?”

“I just wanted to call you!”

“You don’t have time to,” you reminded, knowing this was petty. It was hard to refrain though, when you missed him so much and had no one to blame for it. No one to vent to, no one to yell at because it was all just so reasonable that Jinyoung was gone.

“Come on, Y/N. Don’t be like that,” he sighed, music growing loud in the background. “I don’t want to fight with you, I don’t have the time. I just wanted to… I don’t know, hear your voice.”

“You never have time,” you muttered, ignoring this last part. “And this is my voice. Sorry it’s not very happy, but I just woke up. I have a 7:30 class in the morning and this is the first  I’ve been able to sleep before 2:00 AM this week. And,” you blurted, “stop acting like you’re the only one who’s busy! Stop acting like your work is more important than mine, and like I should always rearrange my schedule for you.”

Jinyoung fell silent for a moment. When he didn’t respond immediately, you listened to the sounds of bass rattling the walls around him. “I don’t… think your work is less important than mine,” he clarified, sounding awkward. “I just think my schedule is… a bit more inflexible than yours, right now.”

“Oh, god,” you groaned, one arm over your face. “Are you kidding me? Just because you didn’t study in school, Jinyoung, doesn’t mean that I don’t. My classes are inflexible, just like your work. The amount of homework I have is inflexible, and if you even think –”

“Okay, okay,” Jinyoung interrupted, backtracking hastily. “I’m sorry, Y/N, really. I don’t think your classes are less important than my stuff, or – fuck,” he groaned, his name being yelled somewhere in the distance. “I really have to go. But –”

“Fine,” you huffed, closing your eyes – the skin of them was burning, tears ready to fall. “Just go, then.”

“I don’t want to,” he muttered, pained.

“I don’t care what you want,” you blurted, even though you did.

“Y/N…”

“Just go,” you inhaled, stopping. Suddenly sick, you were about to apologize – but then heard a click, loud in your ear. Stomach twisting, you pulled your phone back to look at the screen. Yes, the screen was now dark. He’d ended the call, hung up the phone and when you realized this, you turned your face into your pillow and cried.

Waking the next morning, the pain was worse. Jinyoung’s texts didn’t help – he said all the right things but they didn’t seem to matter, because the next day was Valentine’s Day and he hadn’t said a word. The next day was also your anniversary, but you weren’t sure he remembered this either. Jinyoung had the tendency to forget – he was meticulous, so overly concerned with detail he often forgot the big picture.

Big picture things like phone calls and anniversaries. Swallowing hard, you looked up from your phone before sliding this into your pocket. Walking forward, you struggled with the rest of the day. It was hard, really hard to ignore the aching feeling which came from missing him.

Jinyoung: hey [4:14 PM]

Y/N: hi [4:17 PM]

Jinyoung: I wanted to say that I’m sorry, Y/N [4:18 PM]

Y/N: mm. what for? [4:19 PM]

Jinyoung: for being so absent [4:20 PM]

Jinyoung: I know it’s my job, but sometimes I get so caught up in one thing I forget about everything else. I know we haven’t been talking as much and I know it’s my fault. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll do better. Just give me the chance, I swear [4:22 PM]

Y/N: babe [4:22 PM]

Jinyoung: you called me babe [4:23 PM]

Jinyoung: … does this mean I’m forgiven? 😇 [4:23 PM]

Y/N: babe, I don’t want you to feel guilty about loving your work [4:24 PM]

Jinyoung: I know this. I also know I love you, but don’t know if you realize how much [4:25 PM]

Y/N: oh? [4:25 PM]

Jinyoung: like, my job is cool and all but it’s driving me crazy. [4:26 PM]

Y/N: ha. How so? [4:26 PM]

Jinyoung: Well. I miss you, Y/N. I miss you so fucking much. I want this job, I know I have to do this, but just – everything would be better if you were here. [4:27 PM]

Jinyoung: you’re the first person I want to tell shit to. You’re the first sight I want to see in the morning and honestly, it’s a kick to my gut every time that you’re not. When I sleep, I stare at my phone and know you’re already sleeping and know I shouldn’t wake you, but fuck do I want to just to hear your voice [4:29 PM]

Jinyoung: Have I told you I save your voicemails [4:30 PM]

Jinyoung: I have a bunch of them saved and listen when I can’t fall asleep. I listen and it makes falling asleep easier, but not much [4:31 PM]

Jinyoung: I just… I’m sorry our schedules suck right now. Know I miss you and would drop everything in a heartbeat to see you, if I could [4:32 PM]

By this point, you’re just staring at the screen. Just watching his texts come in and trying to hide the sudden wave of emotion. Jinyoung doesn’t normally speak like this, is never so forthcoming with his feelings. You think you might cry – would’ve already, if you weren’t walking down the middle of the quad. Your last class ended ten minutes prior, meaning it’s finally the weekend and all you want is to get to your dorm and call Jinyoung in private.

Y/N: I love you too, babe [4:34 PM]

Y/N: I’m sorry. I know the past few months have been hard on us both. Thank you… for this. And btw, happy Anniversary : ) [4:35 PM]

Jinyoung: oh, fuck [4:35 PM]

Jinyoung: I knew I was forgetting something… [4:36 PM]

Rolling your eyes, you walk up the stairs to your dorm. Swiping your key at the door, you wander inside – still staring at your phone, at the sight of Jinyoung’s blinking ellipses.

“Guess my present better be good,” a voice announces to your side. “To make up for forgetting, huh?”

Startled, you whirl. Your mouth slowly drops, seeing Jinyoung standing there in the lobby. He’s leaning against your wall, dressed in that stupid leather jacket of his –  and the moment you see him, you’re running. When you reach his body, you crash into his chest and throw your arms about him.

“Y/N,” Jinyoung chuckles, arms wrapping firmly. “Did you miss me?”

Burying your face into his t-shirt, you shake your head. “No.”

Jinyoung laughs, pulling away to look at you. “No?” he teases, laughter cut short when you kiss him.

His breath hitches as his hands pull you tighter, lips parting with yours to urge a groan from his throat. When his hands find your hair, your hips press together – and you remember quite suddenly, you’re still in the lobby. “Come on,” you break away, grabbing his hand. “Not here. You’ll get me in trouble, if we fuck in the dorm.”

Jinyoung just grins, reaching for his bag while you tug him inside. His hair is mussed from your fingertips, lips still pink with cold as he follows you eagerly up the three flights of stairs. “What if I want to get in trouble,” he teases, grabbing your hips. “What if,” he exhales, dropping a kiss to your neck, “I want to be punished?”

Shivering, you unlock the door quickly, shoving this open to point at your bed. “Get over there, now.”

The first time you fuck is fast – a needy bruise of hips and mouths and limbs. Each groping for the other, fingers gripping tightly while you sink down on his length. There’s barely enough time to remove clothes, Jinyoung pulling your panties aside as he thrusts upwards. He moves hard, fast while fucking and it’s been so long, you’ve missed him so much that you come embarrassingly quickly.

Jinyoung has always been good like that, using his fingers to guide you along, adding just the right amount of pressure to push you over the edge. When you come, it’s blinding – you grab his hair only to choke on his name. Jinyoung comes following, hips gradual in their slowing.

The second time you fuck, it’s slower, lazier. Jinyoung lowers you down on the bed, kisses a soft, leisurely path down the slope of your chest. When he pushes his cock between your legs it’s slow – groaning, about how wet you are from before. He switches positions in the middle, lowering himself down on his back only to grab your hips and turn you around. You’re facing away from him now, legs straddling his waist as you sink slowly onto him.

Being in control is something you enjoy, as are the noises he makes watching your ass rise and full – until he growls impatiently, and flips you beneath him. “I want to see you come,” Jinyoung moans, kissing you as he pushes inside. His hands circle your wrists, stretching your arms overhead before kissing down your chest. He flicks your nipple with his tongue, hips rolling sensually while you arch up against him.

“Jinyoung,” you gasp, already tightening. “Please.”

“Please, what,” he whispers, lips merciless.

“Let me come,” you demand.

Jinyoung nods, hands traveling lower. He spreads your legs with his fingers – the sounds of him entering you slick and hard, while you grasp for control. “Jinyoung,” you whimper, biting down on his shoulder. “Please.”

“Fuck,” he hisses, hearing your desperation.

When you finally release, he comes as well and you shiver, forcing your eyes open to look at him. It’s been a while since you went on the pill, since you made it routine to be tested. Now that you have, that you know what his bare dick feels like, warm cum inside you – it’s impossible to return to before.

Jinyoung stays like that, buried inside you while brushing hair back from your face and whispering stupid things. “I missed you,” he sighs. “I love you. We should get chicken later, because Miami has the worst selection of Asian food anywhere in America.”

“Worse than Texas?”

“Much worse,” he groans when you smile. Gently, he removes himself from your body, grabbing for a tissue and cleaning only to fall back beside you. “I’m sorry. You know that, right?” he asks you, suddenly serious.

You nod, pulling him into you. “I know.”

“I just,” Jinyoung exhales, tracing a small circle on your hip. “What’s a couple of rough months, when I want you forever.”

You can only blink, staring back at him. Jinyoung never says things like that. He never discusses the future, never talks about what it could or might hold. This is the first he’s even implied that there is one, at least out loud.

“I,” you hesitate, still struggling to comprehend. “I guess, yeah.”

Jinyoung flushes, head ducking. “I don’t want to be corny,” he mumbles, into your skin. “I just fucking love you and want you to know.

Faintly, you smile – as your arms tighten around him. “I love you, too.”

And that’s the last (real) fight you have over distance.

[ V-Day Master List ]

© kpopfanfictrash, 2018. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[harryscurationproject-blog]

What Inspired Mixed Signals?

If you know me, you know I love music. Recently, I released my first song, Mixed Signals. This was my entire year, because for the longest time, I wanted to delve into music myself, but I wasn’t really sure where to start. I spent months on end researching to develop a craft that I felt represented the pieces of me from now, and yet still encapsulate the sound and roots I had found and loved from when I was young. I started this in December or January, but took forever to finish it. I am nonetheless proud of it. I was inspired by a variation of artists, songs, movies, and just the world around me. Some of these songs have been longterm inspirations, or something that came out in the process and made me say WOW!

I feel like this one is very special to me. Not because I think it’s my best written song, or because the production or mixing and mastering is PHENOMENAL, but I think it marks a period in my life that says that things are real. I dedicated 4 months to learning how to produce better so that way I could get a closer sound, to my sound. That didn’t really happen with this one, but we’re on our way. The artifacts I used were songs that, I think, steered me in the right direction. Records, monologues, or visuals that when I see, hear, and feel, I say to myself, “I wish I was doing that. Well, maybe not quite that, but… similar.”  These are things I first saw when I was in elementary school, first getting a feel for art-culture with films like Palo Alto, or things I discovered last November, like Sabrina Claudio’s “About Time”.

I wonder if one day I will get to be in someone’s curation. That one day, someone will look up to me and my work, the way I look up to these people’s. The way I capture my life, the way they capture theirs. All I know, is that these people changed mine.

Sincerely,

Harry

I never understood Sabrina Claudio the first time I listened to her. I didn’t get it - who was she? And why was her sound so... different... from my expectations of who I thought she was.

I can’t really remember why I even listened to this song, or how I even found it, or why I even revisited About Time, the record it’s from, considering I really only liked maybe 3 songs. I just remember instantly falling in love with this particular song - her voice sounding different than usual, the lyricism, and the all around different sound from her. I followed up with that by going to read about it on Genius. What caught me was that she said it reminded her native land of Miami, and how she was challenged by her producer to step out of her usual comfort zone. I have never once visited Miami in my life, but for some reason, I could imagine it. The palm trees, warm air, and atmosphere of a permanent heat so blazing you forget to feel it. With records about Miami, they typically highlight drug use, or some sort of vacation, so this was so confusing (Miami - Kali Uchis, Miami - Nicki Minaj). It sure as hell drove me to listen, and fall in love with her other music.

I could almost feel her personal connection. I could feel the energy shift, compared to the other 11 songs. I was a fan before, I had even seen her live at the cancelled-midway Panorama festival. But things just never really clicked, with all of her projects, I felt like the standouts stood out, but while they were beautiful, bold, and vibrant, the other tracks felt like going nowhere on a rollercoaster, waiting for things to shoot up again. But this finally put all the puzzle pieces together.

I remember instantly opening up Logic, wanting to capture those feelings. I looked through my Notes app on my iPhone, wanting to see if I had anything. Unfortunately, the first song I made for it, didn’t really cut it. So, I opened up a file I had, looking to see if I had anything that sounded better. Instantly, the two were begging to be together, like Romeo and Juliet. I knew what I had to do. This was the main basis of the song I put out as my first song.

You know, the first time I had ever heard of Emma Roberts was when I was like 5 years old. I hadn’t really thought of her, like at all, until I had heard about “American Horror Story: Coven,” which changed that perception. She had grown up, and all of a sudden, I loved her attitude, style, and her as a person, all because of some character I had seen her play.

When I first heard the words “I wish I didn’t care about anything. But I do care, I care about everything too much,” I was taken aback. I had to find out who said that! Where was it from? It wasn’t even the words themselves, just more so the way they were said. They had a particular sadness to them.

10-year-old me did some research and found that they were from a movie called Palo Alto, which had no significance to me. At all. What the hell was a Palo Alto? I looked it up, and results for some place in California showed up. I was so confused, and then searched up “palo alto movie”, and then found out it was based on the town itself. I didn’t really care for the movie, but I still loved the audio from the particular clip itself.

In 2017, I took an audio production course, so that way I could advance in my audio production career. I kind of just sat there for a week of the two weeks, from 9-5, because I had no idea where to start. I couldn’t commit to an audio, I had no lyrics I liked, and wanted a fresh start, so I couldn’t recycle any Garageband projects. I was fooling around on the MIDI keyboard, and then I heard this really pretty ambient sound. I stacked a few chords on one another, and then you had it! But it was still missing something, and I was stumped what. But it HIT! I needed to use that sample.

Sadly, it didn’t really amount to much. But I still wanted to put it in something, the sample. It’s really beautiful to me. So, I loaded her voice into “Mixed Signals.” I couldn’t use it in the song because I don’t have the license, but I kept the file so I could reference it for later. Without it, I wouldn’t have had a clue where to go with the song.

The timing for Beyoncé to put Lemonade on streaming platforms (Apple Music, Spotify, etc.) was weirdly appropriate. I had just finished paying homage to that album for my art class by doing some sort of piece for it, which kinded consisted of me collaging the stills from the film and using writing and just kind of splattering it on the pictures. Then, in the midst of it all, Homecoming (her live Coachella film) was announced. I loved Lemonade a lot. I remember the day it was announced in 2016, dropped the following week on HBO, and watching the film and being in shock. It was an event! So 3 YEARS later, after all the Grammy hype, for it to drop, especially after she essentially said “I don’t need Spotify” on Everything is Love, it was incredibly random.

I was in the mixing stages of my song when this all happened. I remember getting the text that “SORRY ORIGINAL DEMO. HELP.” from my friend Angelo, and being kind of confused because we already had the 12 tracks. However, a gift came. When I first heard the demo, I was shocked, mainly because it was kind of the sound I wanted. I hadn’t really done that though. So I went back to change my final mix. Maybe I needed a synth somewhere, or a swell of some sort? I compared the two, the original and the demo. I also took the live version from Homecoming into consideration.

This demo really helped me get a clear vision for my own demos. I realized that although you could have a very drastic difference, as long as sonically you know where you want to go, it doesn’t matter as much as you may think it does, because where you start isn’t where you’ll finish. If you have a vision, execute it. That’s what she always does, and the final product is always flawless. (Homecoming has a 98 on Metacritic and Lemonade has a 92). Also, time isn’t a real constraint. She takes her sweet time to perfect things, but she always perfects them, real well. And that taught me ethic, which inspired me toward the end to make sure things are perfect, and what I like, always. No matter how long it may takes.

Iggy, Iggy, Iggy. Such a polarizing figure to the general public, from the time I was 9 or 10. I always liked her. At this point, when I got inspired by her, her “glory days” of number one hits and diamond singles like Fancy, Black Widow, Problem, were long gone under some “she’s whack” guise, but I didn’t care at all. Music is music. Whether it be her stellar visuals, or her live shows, I’ve always been inspired by her work ethic. I remember I sat in the audience for a live interview for AOL Build that she had to promote her EP, Survive the Summer, where she talked about how she has nineteen hour studio days.

Part of my ethic is that I do everything myself, which in itself is really time consuming. I am my own producer, mixing engineer, recording engineer, mastering engineer, and I am definitely my own vocals. I would always listen to this song to remember that. She talks about how she moved out at 16, all alone in the middle of Miami with no money, and just hustled and worked until her dreams came true. I’m obviously very fortunate to not be in that exact predicament, but I remember that if I work really hard at something, anything is possible. Although they say “the sky's the limit” is cliché, clichés exist for a reason, and I’ll never stop following that motto, because I wanna go past the sky.

With “Work”, I will never forget watching the video of Iggy performing at The Observatory in Orange County, and not only was the crowd SCREAMING her words and story back to her, but the video had over a million views. Over a million people wanted to see what they missed out on in the flesh, and wanted to relive it through someone’s lens. If she could do it, I can do it too, is what that video taught me. She pushed through her hardships, and although having to do everything by yourself makes things only about 5x harder because of all the hats you have to put on, I can push through something less demanding and circumstantial. Without her, maybe this song would have been done and put out, but maybe it would have taken years to put it out. This song taught me to always push through, and also taught me a way of brutally honest storytelling which I would have thought before was too literal.

The most common advice I received from every person in the music industry was to write from your experiences. Whether it be from singers, A&Rs, managers, or just people who have genuinely been in the music industry for years, they constantly said the same thing. But when I began writing, I didn’t have any experiences, until 2018. I paused making music as a producer, I paused writing, I paused THINKING. I had juiced my mind out of any ideas I had! I needed to live.

2018 was easily the most rewarding years of my life. In every area of my development as not only a person, but an artist, I had grown so much. I had a lot more friends. My personality was more developed. And best of all, I had more to talk about, whether it had been about being featured on an iHeartRadio show with one of my favorite artists, partying every weekend in Bushwick, or traveling to Chicago for a music festival with my best friends and being basically unattended, free to roam around and do ANYTHING (Lolla pics), I felt like I was finally where I wanted to be. The teenage experience I had dreamt about for years, that I had seen glamorized everywhere I looked when I was in preschool and elementary school was in my hands. I had my own sense of consciousness.

How this all ties in is funny, because the last thing on my mind was music. It was around me all the time, with concerts (confirmation receipt), events I would go to, and just my friends always blaring it wherever we would go. It was constantly surrounding me, and I channeled all the leftover energy I had from the summer into my own music when I had finally winded down enough to sit down and decide what I really want. How badly I want to be in that position, where people include me in their own curations.

So all the friendships I made and broke, the music, the parties, the sounds around me, it all went into a big mixing pot, and it spewed out with this song. My friends were the bane of my existence in 2018. I was never without them, every step of the way. Everything I did, it was for them. I could never have written anything, came up with another melody, or even thought of anything without them. They changed my life, so now I can change someone elses with my work. They are Mixed Signals.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #177

“i get pretty just to fuck my face up.”

What’s your favorite flavor of ice pop? Strawberry or watermelon. Do you like animal print? What’s your favorite print? Not particularly, but I suppose jaguar. What do you think of foot tattoos? Surprisingly, not a big fan. It's gotta be cute, well-placed, and small. Did your senior class in high school have a class trip? Where did you go? Maybe? I don't remember. What do you normally order at Dunkin Donuts? Chocolate frosted. What do you drink with dinner? It varies. Can be soda, water, milk... Peanuts or sunflower seeds? I don't like either. What is your favorite grocery store to shop at, and how often do you shop for groceries? Sam's Club totally has the best deals, but I don't make the shopping calls here. Who is your favorite character from the last movie you watched? Uhhh the super paranoid lady whose actress is a legend. Where did you have your first kiss? What about your last kiss? His bed; airport. What is the last thing you spoke to your father about? Phone bill. Who do you feel you have the most in common with? Sara. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? Myself. Have you ever apologized to someone, but didn’t mean it? I'm sure at some point. What is the one thing that you can’t resist? Reese's, I sometimes cannooooot tell myself no to a Mtn. Dew Voltage, wanting to pet an animal even if it's dangerous, and uhhh I'm sure there's more. Have you ever done another person's homework for money? No. If you could play any piece of music on an instrument, what would it be? Teach me the ending piece from WKM on the piano so I could ruin myself further than just listening to it already does. Have you ever treated someone like they were nothing? I don't believe so. If you could ask 5 questions and get an exact answer, what would you ask? Oh yikes, deep one. Um... 1.) what is the cure for cancer, 2.) cure for Alzheimer's/dementia, 3.) cure for HIV/AIDS, 4.) how can/is it even possible to obtain world peace, and 5.) will I be stable in the future are what come to mind first. Does it frighten you when animals get into fights? I GET VERY SCARED FOR THE ANIMALS. When you were little did you touch just about everything in the store? YUP YUP YUP. Do you ever leave your drinks out in the open at a party? N/A, but I absolutely would not. Ever suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Yes. Who is someone you’ll always hate? No one I personally know. How many people do you trust 100 percent? Just one. I would include Mom, but I know she lies about Dad. Do you think you could survive a month of solitary confinement? NO, I really think I'd lose it and kill myself. Do you often start books, yet never finish them? I don't read, but I'd do that if I didn't like it. When was the last time you felt abandoned by someone? Idr. Does the sight of blood gross you out? No. Have you ever gone through a red light? No. Do you fail to stop for stop signs, sometimes? No. What is your favorite eye color in the opposite sex? Blue. When you are sad, do you cheer yourself up, or look to others? It depends, but I usually begin with the former. During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? 2016 can been damned by God themselves. Have you ever seen a bluejay in person? Yes. Have you ever eaten grass/leaves? Probably as a kid. Do you typically like green-colored candies? Yeah! Apple flavor is the bomb.com. Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? Ryder, my nephew. Who makes you smile the most often? Sara Jane. :') How do you express your happiness? I'm louder, more talkative, goofier. When was the last time you did a good deed? Uhhh idk. It's a tiny thing, but I suppose you could count me getting my old man bub with arthritis up on the bed when he wanted up. What songs make you happy? Lots... Do you like to sing? Sometimes, but I'm not good at it. Where is somewhere that holds fond memories for you? Ummm the little pond behind the community college where we took our first prom photos. That whole day was just extremely magical, and passing it is a severe PTSD trigger so if for whatever reason we're driving past there, Mom goes around it. I did pass it a few months back when I was taking pictures of flowers around the college and I was okay, probably because I didn't even glance at it. What do you think of the gothic stereotype? # A E S T H E T I C Have you ever encountered a black widow? Yup. What scares you, more than anything else? Ending up alone/losing all those I love. Has an animal ever peed on you? Lol yeah...  Pet rodents have multiple times when getting them accustomed to being held, a puppy probably has, and Venus (my snake) did once after I held her for like an hour, aha. Couldn't be mad at that angel, she was obviously so comfy. What would make a cool substitute color for the sun? Pink. Is purple a good color for a car? Sure. Do you prefer green or purple/red grapes? Purple; crisper. What is something you like that is sour? Warheads. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some hot wings at BWW with one of the hottest sauces. When was the last time you had a real deep chat? Idk, I'm sure something with Sara. Who did you last see on webcam? I've no idea. Have you ever discovered something gross in your food at McDonalds? No. What’s your favorite flavor of Ramen? I only like the spicy chicken Yakisoba ones. Have you ever spent the night in jail? No. Name a really popular television show you never got into: Ha, a lot. Game of Thrones, for one, but I'd be willing to give it a second chance via more episodes and a different attitude and actually kinda want to. Sara, add that to our list. Do you listen to any unsigned bands/singers? Who? No, I don't believe so. I need to start listening to my old friend's band, though, because I really want to support them; they work so hard and are very serious about taking their band somewhere. Nova Mortis if you're interested and like heavy metal. What do you find really interesting? THE PARANORMAL, for one. Genetics, psychology, fossils, abandoned buildings and shacks, natural selection and evolution, outer space, differences in languages and cultures, and so much more. Who is your favorite video game character? Spyro! What kind of pictures do you post on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat most frequently? I like never post pictures, but selfies on FB, then I have two photography Instagrams. Do you remember the first person you felt sexually attracted to? Seriously, Jason. Have you ever been on vacation with a significant other? No. Is there anything on your bucket list that you’re hoping to cross off soon? A lot of things, but. Probably won't be soon as many include travel. Of all of your friends’ significant others, who do you get along with best? And least? Sam's wife Kieley is an absolute doll; least, idk. What would your life be like if you had married your first love? HAHAHAHAHA I REEEEEAAAAALLY DON'T WANT TO PICTURE THAT KNOWING NOW HE DIDN'T/DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ME AND CAN'T COMMUNICATE FOR SHIT. What is the most difficult or time-consuming thing you’ve ever cooked? Would you make it again? N/A Have you ever had a platonic friend that everyone insisted you should be in a relationship with? Girt, hardcore. Eventually did, but we know how that went. Is there anything about a person’s sexual past that might stop you from wanting to date them? Yup: if they've assaulted someone, prostitution is involved, casual flings/one-night stands have happened, being/have been a porn star, cheated before. If someone asked your closest friends/family members what career path might suit you best, what do you think they would say? Like, everyone will answer that question with "vet." Have you ever considered “unplugging”/taking a significant period of time away from technology? lol nope I doubt I'd last a day with no technology. Do you use a photo editor? Lightroom, Photoshop, sometimes PhotoScape. Is your dad overweight? Quite the opposite. Ever been honked at? Yeah. Which do you prefer, doctor or dentist? Dentist; I'm never nervous for them. Name two things you put whipped cream on? I haaaate whipped cream. Texture thing. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? Two meerkats grooming, done on a huge thing of burlap. What’s your favorite type of sushi? Never tried, never will. Have you ever had an ulcer? No. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend has had? Scarlett. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yup. I had a long insomnia streak where I physically couldn't sleep without Melatonin. What is your current favorite song? I'm hooked on "The Bottom is a Rock" by Mother Mother rn. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you have a balcony? No. Are you jealous of anyone, even mildly? If so, who? Yeah, my sisters, as well as some real successful friends. Have you ever done a craft you saw in a magazine? No. Have you ever made a recipe you found in a magazine? No. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Celine Dion, Loreena McKennitt, Sebastian Bach, David Draiman, and Amy Lee off the top of my head. What act would you perform in a talent show? I wouldn't, I got nothin'. What area are you the most gifted in, do you think? Um... writing, I guess? Which style of wedding dress is your favorite? BALLGOWN BITCH Do you enjoy editing videos? Ye! Do you enjoy editing photos? Yup. Who do you think is the most attractive actor? I see u Jason Momoa. Have you ever been caught doing something REAL embarrassing by your parents? I don't believe so. Do you believe in reincarnation? No. Do you have any of your neighbors as friends on Facebook? No. When was the last time you thought about sex, or sexual things? Ummm within the past few days probably, at least briefly? Are there any flowers planted outside your house? We have a tall bush that sprouts big, pink flowers, if that counts. Does anyone in your family smoke? Dad. What was the very first election you voted in? I haven't yet. Do you have a drone? No. Are you the type that’s too ashamed to ask for or use directions? No, rather too shy. Were you tired when you woke up this morning? YEAH. I slept like shit and had to get up early for a VR assessment. You overhear two people gossiping about you; what do you do? I feel like I'd say something sarcastic to them. Or be more mature about it and ask why. Or cry. Are you proud of who you are? Eh, only in certain areas... Is your vision good? I can barely read the line below the big "E." So no lmao. Are you a legal adult? Yeah but idk how. Has anyone ever called you a flirt? No. What was the last compliment your received? The assessment lady at VR loved my hair. Do you know any sign language? No. Who was the last person to give you a gift? Sara, on our anniversary. Do you trust the media? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA BITCH NO. If you could kill off one species of animal, which would it be? Can gnats like????? not???????? Idk if they have a single useful function????????? What kind of cookies are your favorite? Chocolate chip. Who’d you last say I love you to? My mom. What’s the most overpaid job in your opinion? I'm not educated on this enough to give you an informed answer. What’s the last thing you wrote down? Working out a math problem during the assessment. When’s the last time you didn’t sleep in your own bed? Over a month ago. When’s the last time you heard a gunshot? Idk. Who’d you get mad at last? Myself. What’s the last thing that annoyed you? Bentley wouldn't listen. When’s the last time you gave someone advice? I think yesterday? Do you think you’re lucky, unlucky, or neither? Neither. Who did you last disappoint? Myself. Do you enjoy learning? Of course!!!! I mean there're subjects I have no interest in and don't enjoy, but learning as a whole is great. People say you learn something new every day, so what did you learn today? Well it was nothing big, but that I could return Miku before she got hurt since Mitsu didn't appreciate a new "buddy." Yes or no: eyebrow piercings? They can look super badass or awful depending on your face and eyebrow thickness imo. When I say The Beatles, what is the first song that comes to mind? "Yellow Submarine" even tho I hate that song???? In your opinion, what is the very worst type of weather? Hot and humid, especially with no breeze. Just no. You can only listen to 1 band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? DON'T MAKE ME. What is something that you had to learn the hard way? DON'T. THINK. A RELATIONSHIP. IS WITHOUT A SINGLE CHANCE. OF. SOMEONE. LEAVING. EVEN. IN THE MOST "SECURE" ONES. When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? Ahhhh I'm not sure. Either something with Mom or Sara. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Mom. If your ex called you right now, would you answer? I don't have his number, so I wouldn't answer. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Sara. Do you want your tongue pierced? It is. 10/10 recommend for cute factor, but 0/10 for the healing process and pain asjfawiwo. Mine's through the very tip of my tongue and because that area is so sensitive, it was so painful that I became immediately nauseous. Pain didn't entirely vanish for almost two weeks. BUT I have zero regrets, so worth it. Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? Yeah. What’s one thing in your life that you wish you could change? Financial position. Have you ever been in a perfect relationship? Ha, don't ever believe those exist. Do you still talk to the person who broke your heart the most? Nope. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? Ummm I don't believe so. Well, I don't know if I'd take back going all the way or whatever the fuck that was, maybe I would. idk Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? No. Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? I'm capable, but I don't enjoy it at all. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yeah, being in a shit mood and/or being impulsive with my words. Do you like french fries? Who the FUCK sayin no to this. Have you ever ate so much you puked? No. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? To some degree/in certain aspects. Would you rather eat cookies or brownies? Probs brownies. Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? No. Are you good with managing your finances? I don't. Not in that position yet. What is the closest pizza place to your house? Domino's. Do you have any silly nicknames or pet names? Hmmmm no. Are you any good at drawing? Some things. Is there anything unusual about your house? No. Can you maintain a text conversation or do you run out of things to say? I think I'm good at keeping *text* convos going, surprisingly. Do you find it hard to talk to strangers, even people who work in stores? YEAH!!!!!!! Have you ever tasted goat’s milk? No. Did you ever take classes for a musical instrument when you were younger? Yup. Band member all through middle school, stopped after my junior year of HS. Do you snore when you sleep? No, but I talk a loooot. Who is the first person who broke your heart? Dad. Do you know anyone who has fought in a war? Jason's dad was in the Navy. What religion are you? Theist, which basically just entails me believing there's a god/goddess/some sorta beginning deity, but hell if I know anything about them. I make my own guesses. Who is the last person you gave a ride to, and where did you take them? I don't have a license or my own car. What is the last thing you untruthfully denied? Hm. I'm not sure. Have you ever ridden on a real train? No. Name ONE good memory about your last ex? He's absolutely hilarious and I miss hanging out more! Would you consider yourself dishonest? Not gonna bullshit and claim I never am, but in general, no. Do you tend to let people break through your walls easily? HAHA YEAH RIGHT. What are you superstitious about? Nothing. What is the coolest thing you can do? Oh boy, hell if I know. I know from experience people are often surprised how even skittish animals/pets seem to be drawn to me; does that count? Is there anyone you want to hook up with that you haven’t? Not my thing.

[lesbianbruabba]

all of them!

Anon you are trying to kill me but also like..thank you

1: Full name

I’m not stupid, I’m not putting my full real name out. lol

2: Age

Eighteen

3: 3 Fears

Being rejected, depression consuming my life, going deaf or blind

4: 3 things I love

My brother, my friends, music

5: 4 turns on

Gentle caresses, dirty talk, teasing, kink stuff

6: 4 turns off

Uhhh. Pedophilia, scat, incest, racial degradation? I’m going for the most hardcore bad stuff lol

7: My best friend

I have a lot but for simplicity’s sake my bestest is @lettiehigh

8: Sexual orientation

Bisexual

9: My best first date

Lol

10: How tall am I

5′2. correct question is how short am I

11: What do I miss

Special ham sandwiches

12: What time were I born

I don’t fucking know

13: Favourite color

Pink

14: Do I have a crush

I have multiple. 

15: Favourite quote

“They don’t sell cheese at the jewelry store” - my husband Felony Steve

16: Favourite place

My bedroom

17: Favourite food

Chicken nuggets from a hong kong mcdonald’s. They taste like shit in scotland

18: Do I use sarcasm

Sometimes but I’m not that good at it

19: What am I listening to right now

No More Time - Flor

20: First thing I notice in new person

Eyes

21: Shoe size

6.5

22: Eye color

Dark brown/black

23: Hair color

Dark brown/black. it’s gotten darker over the last few years

24: Favourite style of clothing

Frilly or bondage-y. Sometimes both at once

25: Ever done a prank call?

Nope

27: Meaning behind my URL

RPDR fic pen name

28: Favourite movie

RENT

29: Favourite song

Right now it’s Felony Reunion by Felony Steve

30: Favourite band

Waterparks, flor, All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, you can’t make me pick

31: How I feel right now

Lorny

32: Someone I love

My baby brother

33: My current relationship status

Single

34: My relationship with my parents

Rocky but overall it’s fine. It’s like an ongoing negotiation but I know they love me really.

35: Favourite holiday

I went to England when I was 14 with my school. 

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

None

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

Nipple piercings, I want a hip tattoo on my right hip because I haven’t self-harmed there and it’s a bit of a ‘sacred space’ now. someday I want a lyric tattoo, a flower tattoo (roses pls) and a watercolor one. I follow so many tattoo instagrams and they all look so pretty

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

At the very very beginning to make an aesthetic pastel blog. Got into roleplaying for a couple of years, made some good friends, some sad things happened, moved onto rpdr fic, evolved into the mess it is now

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

what ex

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

Good morning snaps from my brother and copyright from @samrull

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

Nope

42: When did I last hold hands?

Not a thing I’ve done in a long time? 

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

Depends on whether I do makeup or not. 10 minutes if I don’t have to, 20-30 if I do.

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

Nope. I don’t shave unless there’s a special event.

45: Where am I right now?

My bedroom in Edi

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

I don’t drink :)

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

reasonable level most of the time. Unless I am feeling particularly apathetic/anhedonic/depressed

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

Back in Hong kong yes

49: Am I excited for anything?

Dan and Phil show, possible trip to Copenhagen, possibly seeing flor, doing fashion design or Danish at uni next year, improving my fluency in languages, my brother visiting Edi, going home and seeing all my friends, going home and seeing my teachers I miss them so much oh my god, possibly seeing one of my crushes again!!

Oh and I’m going to a convention on sunday so that’s pretty great too!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

Yeah my brother we’re a bit too open

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

depends on how often I leave my room/spend time in others’ company that I’m not comfortable with. 

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

Tuesday at 7:30 pm

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

Cool, thumbs up dude. he kisses well

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

Yeah probably. lbr I trust people too easily

55: What is something I disliked about today?

I didn’t move from my bed much. but! I got a lot of drawing done and I studied some Polish so that’s a win. fuck you for making me think negatively :)

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

there’s this girl in denmark i owe a very long apology to. her. and maybe her cat.

57: What do I think about most?

My crushes, analyzing whether I have a pattern/type of crush, random etymologies, whether Russian is harder than Polish or I have a warped bias, whether my friends care about me or am I overestimating my place in their hearts

58: What’s my strangest talent?

I can say thank you in like 15 languages that counts right?

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

The wolf from little red riding hood

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

In front bc I am shite at taking photos

61: What was the last lie I told?

my meds are making me better

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Video chatting oh my god

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I sometimes hope ghosts exist. idk about aliens

64: Do I believe in magic?

No 

65: Do I believe in luck?

yes

66: What’s the weather like right now?

Not that bad for scotland tbh but chilly for late April

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

Essentials of Polish verbs and grammar or something. google it

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

no???? who tf likes that what the fuck

69: Do I have any nicknames?

This one friend I used to have called me Christababe. Also people at school called me Lily

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

Self harm cut from a few weeks ago. Got infected (it’s fine now)

71: Do I spend money or save it?

Depends

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

With a tongue sure but not my own lmao

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

Yes a lot of it because my closet is next to my bed :)

74: Favourite animal?

Unicorn

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

Eating ice cream and surfing the drag race reddit

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

I don’t know???? Johnson?

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

78: How can you win my heart?

Don’t manipulate me.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

Married to Felony Steve

80: What is my favorite word?

Felony

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

Like my faves? @rippling-waves @samrull @lettiehigh @veronicasanders @lecafenoirx

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Listen to Waterparks they have the best music. -dabs-

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

Nope

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Fluency in all languages

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“are you in love with me”. if asked by certain people. alternatively “do you like girls” asked by other certain people. 

86: What is my current desktop picture?

DDLC fanart

87: Had sex?

No but close

88: Bought condoms?

No but I have one from the Hive from a fresher’s package

89: Gotten pregnant?

no dear lord 

90: Failed a class?

Nope and I hope not

91: Kissed a boy?

Yes

92: Kissed a girl?

No, I wish

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

No

94: Had job?

Yes, barista and factory worker

95: Left the house without my wallet?

Yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

Kind of? Not really? It was more of an argument but we’re friends now. I was a stupid thirteen year old 

97: Had sex in public?

No

98: Played on a sports team?

Lol, tell another one

99: Smoked weed?

No

100: Did drugs?

No, will not

101: Smoked cigarettes?

No, I hate smoking

102: Drank alcohol?

I had a few sips of white wine that were absolutely DISGUSTING

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

No

104: Been overweight?

Currently am

105: Been underweight?

I wish

106: Been to a wedding?

Yeah of distant relatives and teachers

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

Try 14

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

I don’t watch TV, There’s no tv in my student hall and back home the TV is only for news

109: Been outside my home country?

Yep too many times tbh

110: Gotten my heart broken?

Unrequited love-wise yes

111: Been to a professional sports game?

Yes and spent the whole time reading (I was a kid and my mum couldn’t/didn’t find someone to babysit)

112: Broken a bone?

No, thank god

113: Cut myself?

Yes, trying to quit it

114: Been to prom?

Yep and I sang on stage too! 

115: Been in airplane?

Yep

116: Fly by helicopter?

No and not interested tbh

117: What concerts have I been to?

Waterparks, Avril Lavigne, All Time Low

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

Yes, quite a few times now

119: Learned another language?

Try multiple

120: Wore make up?

Yeah! Trying to do it more

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

No, too late for that now

122: Had oral sex?

No but I want to

123: Dyed my hair?

No but I want to

124: Voted in a presidential election?

No, HK doesn’t have presidential elections

125: Rode in an ambulance?

No

126: Had a surgery?

No

127: Met someone famous?

Famous in Hong Kong yes. Worldwide no. I’ve met the UoE principal though

edit: Iza reminded me that I’ve met both Courtney Act and Sasha Velour! 

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

Yes but not like…creepy. for drawing reference I’ve gone through a lot of people’s social media this morning lol

129: Peed outside?

When I was like 4

130: Been fishing?

Not that I can recall

131: Helped with charity?

Yeah

132: Been rejected by a crush?

No because I’m too much of a wimp to confess. Maybe a few years later

133: Broken a mirror?

Yep, the one I use to wear my contacts (when I used to wear contacts)

134: What do I want for birthday?

Sex and liposuction and a corset and maybe someone to love me and a full happy day with no depression or anxiety

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

I don’t want kids. But if I did have kids, here is a list of nice names: Gracie, Ljudmila, Nico, Agneta (this one sounds really fucking familiar but I don’t know why), Anthony, Selene, Kristoff, James

136: Was I named after anyone?

No. My Chinese name means to have manners and to be gentle lmao. My English name is literally just the first thing I blurted out when the teacher asked me for my name. Wednesday was a name I look after Wednesday Addams though.

137: Do I like my handwriting?

I hate my Chinese and English penmanship it looks like shit but my Cyrillic looks GREAT

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

Barbie, I had Genevieve from the 12 dancing princesses

139: Favourite Tv Show?

Drag race, b99, ASOUE, the good place

140: Where do I want to live when older?

In Edinburgh

141: Play any musical instrument?

The ukulele and I think I still remember a bit of guitar

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

Cutting. Most of my scars are from cutting. A few from childhood bruises

143: Favourite pizza toping?

Cheese

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

Sometimes

145: Am I afraid of heights?

all the time

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

A lot worse than sneaking out buddy

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Yeah 

148: What I’m really bad at

controlling my fucking feelings and not falling for peple

149: What my greatest achievments are

Sewing my prom dress, making an animation, juggling learning 3 languages (slowly) at once, surviving high school because honestly I didn’t think I’d make it to graduation

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

That bisexuality doesn’t exist

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

Depends on how much i win but assuming it’s a big amount of money, split it and donate a third to charity, give a third to my parents, split the rest of it in quarters and give three quarter to my dad for investments and spend the last quarter

152: What do I like about myself

I have pretty hair and nice tits and I can draw (not well but I can draw), and I have a bit of talent in learning languages and fashion design

153: My closest Tumblr friend

@samrull without a doubt

154: Something I fantasise about

My brain giving me a good yummy serotonin

155: Any question you’d like?

….anon you didn’t put a question (this happens every goddamn time i s2g)

Thanks for the ask though this kept me occupied for the good part of an hour :)

[secretradiobrooklyn]

The Singing Senator Edition | 5.22.21

Secret Radio | 5.22.21 | Hear it here.

1. Dara Puspita - “Bertamasja”

Dara Puspita was an Indonesian band, active right from the start of rock n roll — like, they jumped into it in 1964. I love how it sounds like gnarly garage rock until the lead guitar tone pulls out and reveals a super VU sound. With a surf structure! It’s just about a perfect nugget of song. 

2. Yol Aularong - “Sou Slarp Kroam Kombut Srey (Rather Die Under a Woman’s Sword)”

Yol Aularong has the wildest voice, and total commitment to rock’s magic transformative power, even in a context where he was risking his life. He does things that would make Screamin’ Jay lean back and appreciate. The arrangements and his delivery just o’erbrim with life and character. 

3. The Psychedelic Aliens - “We’re Laughing”

This band is like Atomic Forest in that they’re just the answer to any collector’s wildest dreams of rarity: they’re a Ghanaian band who released exactly 8 songs and were big in the Accra scene. The groove of this song, especially in headphones, is just mesmerizing, and his delivery gets gradually more and more abstract. It sounds like Marijata and what I wish WITCH sounded more like. Undeniable.

- Glenn Miller Orchestra - “Sunrise Serenade”

4. Prewar Yardsale - “Turn On (Live Peel Session)”

We got into Prewar Yardsale through Jeffrey. Because we got into this band that he introduced us to, he said he had some rarities and other tracks. That he sent our way, and this is from that.  

5. Chai - “In Pink (feat. MNDSGN)”

I think first it was the New York Times, then the Guardian, then the New Yorker all writing about this band essentially in the same week — and we definitely had no idea what they sound like. This song had just debuted on YouTube 18 hours earlier. I think, especially now through repeated listens, it’s a rad track. I love the way MNDSGN winds his vocals into the song, then has his passage, then smoothly winds his way out again. It’s like meeting a really interesting person at an already cool party.

6. Waipod Phetsuphan - “Ding Ding Dong”

Siamese music — Thai music. The guitar part is so primal and the drums so bright in the fills and meanwhile it sounds like he’s casting a spell. And what a refrain.

7. Jacques Dutronc - “J’ai me un tigre dans ma guitare”

One of the greats — I have loved every song of his I’ve ever heard. This song really makes me appreciate his band, especially his drummer. 

8. Orchestra Baobab - “Kelen Ati Leen”

When we started WBFFing, it was partly because we were being blown away by the indisputable proof of James Brown’s influence on, and interaction with, the entire world. I don’t think I realized JB was a lot bigger than the Beatles in huge swaths of the world. This track is fundamentally expressing a JB groove and doing their own entire thing at the same time. The lead vocals’ flavor is just off the charts and the band is SO tight. 

9. Pierre Vassilou - “Qui c’est celui-là?”

What IS this song? It’s in French but it sounds like Brazil — I guess really it sounds like Os Mutantes. 

10. Betti-Betti w T.P. Orchestre Poly Rythmo - “Mahana”

The abundance of T.P. Orchestre keeps on giving. This beautiful, beautiful song is from an album they did with Cameroonian star Betti-Betti, who basically expressed the pain of her country so precisely that the whole nation mourned her passing when she died young. This melody is just stunning, and the harmony 

- Stunt Double - “Be My Baby”

Ace track from some of our favorite people in all of LA.

11. Bug Chaser - “Crowley’s Kids”

I don’t know if Bug Chaser is active at the moment, but some of our favorite STL shows have been watching and/or playing with Bug Chaser. We did the City Museum rooftop twice — and we split favorite VU songs at the Lou Reed Farewell show. Two drumsets, way too much information per track, and an epic live show with a lead character who knows how to lose himself in a song.

12. Eko Roosevelt - “Attends Moi”

We learned about Eko Roosevelt by glimpsing him in a movie about Betti-Betti. He’s a handsome bearded gentleman behind a piano. The first songs by him that got us were super heavy disco, but this one has its own special power. Lately Paige has been singing and playing it on guitar — I’m kind of hoping that we hear her version of “Attends Moi” in another broadcast.

13. Manzanita y Su Conjunto - “Shambar”

One of the sweetest musical gifts in our life has been the discovery of Analog Africa’s ever-growing musical jackpot. They sent their list a note recently about an upcoming record focused on Manzanita y Su Conjunto and their path through cumbia music, and there are two  tracks available now counting this one. We’ll be getting this record, this shit is amazing.

Paige: “I gotta get in touch with Mrs. Link.”

14. Lizzy Mercier Descloux - “Fire”

This song is from her 1979 debut, “Press Color,” and man, what an undeniable new character on the scene! She was based in Paris, hooked up with Michel Esteban, and together they not only established a store of crucial Parisian punkness but also published a fucking MAGAZINE called “Rock News”!! While making music like this! Eventually they moved to New York in 1977 (natch) and as far as I know just continued to be the coolest humans on Earth. I can’t wait to share some of her other tracks with you — besides the brilliant first album, there’s a whole record called “Zulu Rock”! 

15. Os Mutantes - “A Minha Menina”

And as always I think: What did the Beatles think of this music?! They must have known about it, they must have. To me it really brings a whole additional level that the Beatles wanted to get to but literally didn’t know how — and Os Mutantes did. 

16. Suburban Lawns - “Janitor”

Sometimes I wonder why something that sounds so objectionable can be the most vital music in the world. Like, nothing about the lyrics or the way this song is sung should be appealing — and instead, this song is brilliantly undeniable. It’s even better when you see them performing it. If you don’t know what they look like, I guarantee you she will be a surprising character.

My favorite words on it ever are something someone wrote as a comment under the video of their TV performance of this song: “Spent 15 years as a janitor. Can confirm every word.”  

17. Sinn Sisamouth and Ros Serey Sothea - “Mou Pei Na”

These two are just amazing characters in the pre-Khmer Rouge Cambodian music world. Ros Serey Sothea’s voice is totally unique, and Sisamouth has a sincere urgency that gives the whole song a surprising narrative shape.

18. Ranil - “Ángel Terrenal”

Analog Africa again — the cure for what ails you. They are truly combing the world for music that amazes. They played the length of the Amazon river and did their best to stay out of big cities after a bad experience with a record label. So they released these psychedelic jungle masterpieces on little slabs of vinyl that they sold up and down the river. Can you freaking believe that? 

- Salah Ragab - I believe you are responsible for telling us about Salah Ragab, Josh Weinstein. So good.

Also, as promised, further information about glue traps and why they’re so harsh (and how to pull off a successful rescue!) can be found here.

19. Dagi D - “Beka”

I feel like I knew my musical life had changed when I started thinking of every visit to an Ethiopian restaurant as a valuable moment to learn as much about the music as possible — especially Meskerem in St. Louis, it must be said. It turns out modern Ethiopian pop music is super addictive and can easily get stuck in your head for days. 

20. Raxstar - “Jaaneman”

We’re still pretty new to Kensington, our neighborhood in Brooklyn. We knew that a Muslim holiday called Eid al-Fitr was happening, and when it was happening, but we were still surprised by what a joyous holiday it was in our neighborhood. Everyone of all ages was out in their fines, which involved a whole lot of sequins and shining metallic threads. The men wore a lot of caftans and those excellent long shirts and/or jackets, most with beautiful patterns. We went for a long walk and just enjoyed seeing a holiday at full pitch — excited kids and tutting grandmas, people carrying big flower arrangements (in the shape of a crescent and star!), heavy-looking tins of food headed toward a feast, even fireworks overhead. We crossed paths with a group of dudes all dressed up in various states of celebration, from a sharp Western-style two-piece suit to an even sharper South Asian suit with a Nehru collar and snug caftan. It looked like they had just finished the parental part of the night and were deciding where and who to meet up with — exactly like, say, Thanksgiving night in your hometown. It felt like, from Coney Island to McDonald, Church to Cortelyou, it was New Year’s Eve for everyone but us. 

After our walk we returned to our apartment and set up a little folding table out back to enjoy a glass of wine in the warm air. Our neighbors across the fence were still in the midst of family time, with tons of kids running around, including a teensy little girl on a tiny little pink scooter and a gaggle of beautifully awkward teens in the posture and attitude that says “stand by your cousins and let me take your picture.” As the evening wore on and the parents drifted back inside, the young adult contingent got a speaker going, and soon we were catching tracks we’d never heard before. The one that made us first pay attention was “Jaaneman,” with the vocalist’s super-charismatic delivery and priceless accent. We found ourselves Shazaming song after song, and thus started learning about Desi hip hop, a whole world of East Asian immigrant tracks that offer a lens into life in the US and UK that I haven’t really seen since watching “My Beautiful Laundrette” many years ago. Fascinating!

“Jaaneman” literally means “soul of me,” but translates to “my love” or “my darling.” Check out Raxstar — I’d love to see him play SNL and get an impression of what he’s like live. Just last month he released “Forever Jaaneman,” which updates his original smash hit and is also a very strong track.

21. Nate Smith - “Spress Theyself”

One of the last shows we got to see in St. Louis was Nate Smith at Jazz at the Bistro, and holy smokes, what a pleasure to see him do his thing up close. I love this solo album because it sounds like a practice sesh that died and went to heaven. It doesn’t have a song’s logic, but it does follow the feel of a great intuitive exploration of a beat, wandering through subdivisions and feel variations with complete ease. 

22. Jefferson Airplane - “White Rabbit”

This is Paige’s call. I think it’s cool because I can hear the direct connection between this and Erkin Koray’s Anatolian psych rock style, which I previously had no idea about. This listen through, we’ve both been appreciating how overwhelming massive Grace Slick’s voice is.

23. Marie France - “Dereglée”

Another cut off the fantastic Born Bad Records comp “Paink,” and more proof that punk was happening in other languages at the same time. (Though I think they called themselves “méchant”… or denied being méchant, depending) The album art reveals that Marie France happened to look uncannily like a punk Marilyn Monroe, which only makes both MM and MF cooler. 

24. Operation Ivy - “One of These Days”

I was never for one second a punk in high school, but I knew that the Op Ivy t-shirt was the essence of functional punk.

- Shin Joong Hyun - “Moon Watching”

25. Shin Joong Hyun - “Spring Rain”

This guy has an otherworldly sense of melody and performance that indie rock only starting catching up with decades later. This is the guy sometimes referred to as the “Korean godfather of rock.” He was active from the early ‘60s til 1975, when he was arrested, tortured and banned in South Korea. Eventually, the leader who had hammered down on him died, and he was able to begin piecing his life back together. These iconic, evocative, cinematic recordings would sound great in any decade. 

Spoiler: it wasn’t! We walked across the bridge and it was a thoroughly magical New York evening. 

[hooliainprague-blog]

london, england

 20.4.2018

Sadie, Raven, Rosa, Julianne, and I left for the airport this morning at 4:30 am for our 6:40 flight. My random seat assignment was next to Sadie’s, so we were pretty excited to not have to sit next to strangers. London Stansted Airport is not fun in the slightest bit and there are way too many lines for everything. I wasn’t too upset about it because we got to London around 7-7:30ish, so we had the whole day ahead of us, but in reality, we spent 3-4 hours just getting through the airport and to the hostel. We changed into clothes for warmer weather and went straight to The Barge House for some bread bowls we saw in a viral video on Facebook (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baDLIUqsHpE). It was expensive, but it honestly exceeded my expectations and was a great restart to our Friday. I also got an iced latte. Carly met us here, and I’ve never been more excited to see a familiar PA face. 

We walked around for a while and she showed us her apartment. We used the bathroom, charged our phones from the flight, and set out again to see some famous London sights and buy some coffee and souvenirs. 

The London Eye and the under-construction Big Ben:

After we bought all the things we wanted, we went to St. James Park. I thought we were just passing through, but we saw a small family from Chicago and an old shirtless local man feeding pigeons, squirrels, and parakeets in the park. We decided to walk over and see if they wanted any of the bread we had, and we ended up making some friends, human and not human. 

When we exhausted our feeding capabilities, we walked towards Buckingham Palace. It’s a little disappointing that people can’t get close to the guards anymore. This is because one person was being particularly annoying and the guard got angry, slammed the butt of his gun down, and broke the toes of the person. It’s “for our safety” that they’re positioned behind the gates now. 

We then had a little photoshoot with the lovely flowers.

We bought some fruits and water and hung out in a park until we were hungry enough for dinner. Our dinner of choice: a combination of Five Guys and Shake Shack. You can tell we were missing some of our favorite American restaurants, and we were looking forward to eating there ever since we booked our flights. 

We did some shopping (mostly we went into TK Maxx because I like to take every opportunity I can) and walked back to Carly’s apartment to charge our dead phones so we could navigate the 40 minute tube rides to our hostel. 

21.4.2018

We started out our lovely day by going to the King’s Cross station so my friends could get their pictures with the 9 3/4 platform. I feel lucky that I don’t care about Harry Potter that much because the line was pretty long for a picture, but it’s okay. Carly and I waited outside the station where there was a giant bird cage with a swing inside. It was perfect because I actually have been wanting to swing for a while now!!

On the tube, there was the cutest and most well behaved puppy on the entire planet. 

We went to Harrod’s until we were ready for lunch, which is a huge expensive department store. For example, heres a 2000 pound bear. 

We got fish and chips, an essential in this country. I didn’t think I would like it because I’m not a fan of seafood, but it was actually pretty good. 

On our way to Hyde Park to eat some popsicles and hang out in the sun, we saw the iconic red phone booths, so we had to stop for a little photo shoot. 

We got some coffee and popsicles and continued our short walk to Hyde Park. 

It then started RAINING (in London?? Unheard of.) so we left the park and popped in and out of some stores before finding a place inside a cafeteria to sit down for a little while. When we were finally hungry for dinner, we went to Chinatown to try some of Carly’s favorite food. The meal of choice tonight was crispy duck. I also ordered some won ton soup, and I did not know that it was just straight shrimp. That was a little disappointing, but my sweet, sweet friends Carly and Raven gave me parts of their meals so I didn’t starve to death. 

We hung out in the area and got some little custard-filled fish-shaped pancakes. They were so tasty and I’ve thought about them every day since. 

We then went into a bar, had a cider, listened to some music, and went back to the hostel because we were tired as heck.

22.4.2018

The next morning, we decided the best bet for us was to leave as soon as we woke up for the airport because of how long it took for us to get into the country on Friday. We had breakfast sandwiches in the airport, and to be honest, they were some of the best ones I’ve had in a super long time. The flight was freezing cold and I was very sad to be flying into Prague for the last time this semester. I did my laundry as soon as we got back, and Sadie and I made broccoli cheddar mac and cheese for dinner before going to sleep early because it was a long day of traveling. 

Differences between London and Prague

ENGLISH. It was so refreshing to be in a country that speaks English and to understand all the signs and announcements on the tube. 

London is fast paced

London is EXPENSIVE (not as expensive as the Scandinavian countries, but the transportation costs really added up a lot)

London transportation charges per ride, and the farther from the city center you go on the tube, the more expensive the ride is. That was kind of annoying

There wasn’t as much I was dying to see in London as I wanted to see in Prague

Londoners seem a lot more happy and willing to converse

London seems like more of a culturally developed city, while Prague feels more like they’re on the path to the same place (probably because of post-Communism influences, Carly and I presume)

London seems more influenced by the United States (with restaurants, culture, speed of life, etc)

[rinnnyxr]

I LOVE…

Books. The outdoors. Clothes shopping. Finding good deals. Bike riding. Animals, especially cats. Exploring new places. Antiquing. Thrift shopping. Film photography. When someone takes me someplace new. Stargazing. Spending hours reading a book. Learning new languages, or just hearing them spoken. The Victorian era. Hot-tubbing. Trading music with friends. Going on hikes. Swimming in rivers/creeks/lakes/the ocean as opposed to swimming pools.

I DISLIKE… Hot and very humid weather. Driving in heavy, slow traffic. People who don’t realize how their actions affect others. Selfishness. When pets have “accidents” in the house. Bumper stickers like “Country Girl” or “Silly boys, trucks are for girls!” Politics in general. Feeling like I’m not in control of anything. People who treat everything I say as a joke. People who claim to be my friend and treat me badly. Twitter fights. Warm beer. Doing the dishes. Thistles. Feeling hopeless. That panic moment when I have no idea what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. How people still text and drive. Being broke. Not having a job.

SHOWS I LOVE… Doctor Who Breaking Bad Supernatural Pretty Little Liars True Blood Game of Thrones Top Gear UK Parks & Recreation The Office The Walking Dead

I WOULD LOVE TO VISIT… Iceland England Italy Montreal Marseilles The Alps Yellowstone National Park Machu Picchu Greece Ireland and Scotland

THINGS I’M NOT GOOD AT… Making big decisions. Making myself motivated. Exercising/working out. Dealing with hot weather. Controlling my temper in traffic. Keeping a regular “schedule” for chores. Not worrying about silly things. Tolerating other peoples’ irritating behaviors. Having a positive outlook on things that might turn out badly. Keeping friends. Sleeping in. Training pets to mind me. Managing my time. Mathematics. Makeup or other “beauty” related skills. Dealing with other peoples’ children. Being “politically correct.” Ignoring insults and not letting stupid things get to me. Being content.

GOALS THIS NEXT YEAR… Become physically fit. Get better grades in school. Find a better job. Start saving money again. Travel somewhere completely new. Make more/new friends. Spend less time with technology and more time outdoors/doing something productive. Start drawing/painting regularly again. Pick up a new hobby.

-

Bold all the things you've done: 1) You've gone skydiving. 2) You've kissed someone. 3) You've gone on a road trip. 4) You've gone streaking. 5) You've stayed up all night to watch the sun rise. 6) You've been on a roller-coaster. 7) You've been snorkeling. 8) You've been scuba-diving. 9) You've learned to play an instrument. 10) You've learned to speak another language. 11) You've fallen in love. 12) You've done something charitable. 13) You've purchased a physical CD and/or record. 14) You've been to Disneyland and/or Disney World. 15) You've been to a different country. 16) You've had a pet. 17) You've seen your favorite band/artist perform live. 18) You've done something crazy to your hair. 19) You've slept on a beach. 20) You've seen the Northern Lights.

21) You've wished upon a shooting star. 22) You've observed a solar eclipse. 23) You've learned something crazy and/or awesome about your family's history. 24) You've ordered everything on the menu at an amazing restaurant. 25) You've eaten at the best restaurant in the world. 26) You've met your idol. 27) You've made the news. 28) You've run a marathon. 29) You've learned how to ride a bike. 30) You've learned how to water-ski. 31) You've climbed a mountain. 32) You've thrown an amazing party. 33) You've gone skinny-dipping. 34) You've been to a protest/rally. 35) You've voted. 36) You've lived on your own. 37) You've assembled IKEA furniture on your own successfully. 38) You've been to prom. 39) You've been on a safari. 40) You've been to the Grand Canyon.

41) You've been camping. 42) You've cooked an entire meal, including dessert. 43) You've achieved closure with an ex. 44) You've spent a paycheck on something frivolous for yourself. 45) You've stayed at a fancy hotel. 46) You've been to a fancy spa. 47) You've spent all day in bed, just because. 48) You've scored your dream job. 49) You've ridden a horse. 50) You've played hooky from work and/or school.

51) You've been to The Metropolitan Museum of Art. 52) You've seen an opera. 53) You've seen a ballet. 54) You've been to a Broadway show. 55) You've learned how to drive a car. 56) You've tried sushi. 57) You've swam in the ocean. 58) You've driven across the country. 59) You've traveled solo. 60) You've traveled with friends. 61) You've learned how to play a sport well. 62) You've learned how to dance. 63) You've been to all 50 states. 64) You've been to the Eiffel Tower. 65) You've been to the Great Wall of China. 66) You've tried a really fancy wine. 67) You've written a book. 68) You've written a screenplay. 69) You've been to a religious ceremony not of your faith. 70) You've crashed a party.

71) You've been in a wedding. 72) You've attended a black-tie affair. 73) You've been in a band. 74) You've visited the white house. 75) You've read a book in one sitting. 76) You've set a Guinness World Record. 77) You've communicated with someone who doesn't speak the same language as you. 78) You've been to North America. 79) You've been to South America. 80) You've been to Asia.

81) You've been to Australia. 82) You've been to Africa. 83) You've been to Europe. 84) You've been to Antarctica. 85) You've won a contest. 86) You've run for some sort of leadership position. 87) You've been on TV. 88) You've been skiing. 89) You've been surfing. 90) You've been ice skating. 91) You've had a surprise party. 92) You've cultivated a hobby. 93) You've made a best friend. 94) You've had your 15 minutes of fame. 95) You've climbed a tree. 96) You've been in a hot air balloon. 97) You've won an award. 98) You've given a speech. 99) You've learned to swim. 100) You've been rollerskating. 101) You've gotten a tattoo. 102) You've tried a food you were nervous to eat. 103) You've told someone you love them. 104) You've gotten lost somewhere on purpose. 105) You've been on a game show. 106) You've hooked up with someone "famous". 107) You've been mistaken for a celebrity. 108) You've gambled in Las Vegas. 109) You've made a religious pilgrimage. 110) You've hooked up with someone outside your age range.

111) You've gotten drunk. 112) You've gotten high. 113) You've made a bucket list. 114) You've felt alive. 115) You've lived your life to the fullest.

-

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m a geek. The last video game I played was Guitar Hero.

Something has been bothering me a lot lately.

A lot of thoughts occupy my mind at the same time. i don’t know if I’ll ever be satisfied with my body. Seth Rogen movies really aren’t as funny as people say they are.

I LOVE homemade pizza.

I’m currently looking for some people to start a band with.

My relationship with my dad is very strained.

I don’t understand why people have such a problem with kids. I’ve stood next to a famous landmark. I wish my bedroom had more space in it. A friend of mine has a job. I have never owned a Cabbage Patch Kids doll. I’ve used the library to read newspapers from very long ago.

I can remember when my family moved into this house. My mother’s favorite flower is pretty typical.

I enjoy watching rain falling on a lake.

Someone I know is wearing green today. English accents really aren’t that attractive to me. I love listening to music boxes.

My dog is inside right now.

I’ve taken a college/university course before.

When there’s nothing on, I’ll watch re-runs of Happy Days.

It’s difficult for me to really get into a book. I love to eat lemons.

I prefer small venues for concerts opposed to large ones. Warped Tour isn’t as good as it used to be back in the ’90s. Yesterday was a good day. I would buy CDs all the time if I could afford it. Guitar Hero is overrated.

I’ve been grocery shopping recently.

All Time Low’s new stuff sounds much more New Found Glory than Blink 182.

I usually see the Harry Potter films within the first week of their release.

I’m going to a birthday party sometime in the next month. I prefer sans-serif fonts (Arial, Tahoma) to serif fonts (Times New Roman, Georgia). I don’t think peer pressure affects people as much as they say it does.

I still have a collection of VHS tapes. I would love to own a grand piano.

We use the back door of the house more often than the front door.

I absolutely love the insanity incorporated in some of Poe’s work.

Outer Space fascinates me.

I usually look for meaning in songs. I haven’t charged my cellphone today. My street name is also the name of a city.

Someone I know has done a choreographed dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”.

Video games can keep me occupied for quite a while. I like to say “FAIL!” whenever someone screws up.

I don’t like to change my layout that often. I can’t remember the last time I played with a frisbee.

Our fridge doesn’t have a freezer.

Someone new followed my blog today.

My plans are never written in stone; they always change. I love creative cake makers. Summer passes way too quickly. I’ve watched a gay film before.

I really don’t like Xanga that much.

Facebook is stupid. I enjoy making graphics.

Elvis Costello is amazing.

FUCK WMG!

I don’t like waiting until fall for TV shows to start up again.

People are very annoying.

The band I’m listening to right now starts with an S.

I know what déjà vu actually means in French.

My favourite bath towel has a picture of something on it.

I think I’d make a pretty good actor, if I wanted to pursue that area. For as long as I’ve been living, my family has never been without a pet.

I vote for award shows.

I love going to furniture stores. The 90s was my favourite decade for non-mainstream music. My favorite book is pretty popular. I know how to read a map.

I don’t like boring cereal.

Yes, I approve of gay marriage. A friend of mine hasn’t lost his/her virginity yet. I actually wouldn’t like to be royalty.

Most good things in life are either illegal, immoral or fattening.

The idea of living out of a van appeals to me.

When someone has to say “honestly” at the start of their sentence, they’re probably not being honest.

I’ve created my own username for Facebook.

I don’t like waiting for videos to load. Little kids can always make me happy. I can’t stand it when people say “FML” over stupid things. It really sucks when I want to go to the theater but nothing good is playing. Americans suck at remaking Japanese horror films.

Lolcats are stupid, but they do make me laugh.

I get by with a little help from my friends. I often feel like I have to prove myself. I don’t think there should be “age limits” on kids things. I have a lyric painted on my wall.

[plantbased-elise]

Bat On My Heart

This is my fic for the phandom reverse bang ( @phandomreversebang). look at the amazing @dancuddly who was the artist who gave me the art that inspired me. and @carditawrites my lovely beta writes amazing things of her own. I loved working on this idea of a Baseball!phan AU, and i think it turned out quite like i wanted it to. 

WC: 6337

Art link (will be added in later) Wattpad AO3

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The smell of the grass; the sound of metal hitting the rubber covered cork ball; the cheer of people in the stands: that is what made him feel alive. He breathed in the adrenaline of the field and the smell of sweat in the changing rooms.

Dan Howell loved baseball more than he loved his dog - Colin was possibly the sweetest creature alive so you get the idea. When he was 6, he’d seen a game on TV with his dad, and, intrigued by the game, he’d demanded to be signed up at the nearest baseball club. In Year 7 he signed up for the school’s baseball club. When he started out he was seen as the underdog, the twink, but he lost that reputation fairly quickly when his teammates saw him play.

Soon he was the star player of the school with a reputation that spread throughout the UK. ‘Best batter in high school Baseball’ didn’t go without Howell. But now, in his last year, reputation hardly mattered. It was about living up to that reputation.

Scouts came from all the top Baseball clubs in the UK came to the big games to seek out potential talent. They worked together with some of the best universities in the UK, and if they chose you, you’d get a full funding programme for university.

Dan didn’t just want to impress the scouts, he needed it. And he’d be damned before he gave up. He would do anything.

So the time he normally spent on the internet or watching anime was now spent on training. For once, he cared about what he ate. He didn’t go overboard, but if getting a great Personal Statement meant that he had to eat fewer crisps, he was fine with it.

“Dan, Dan! The coach knows the team you’re going to be playing against! He asked me to come find you.” Dan was broken out of his thoughts by his friend’s arrival.

He was in line for lunch, and Jack was weaving through the line, throwing ‘excuse me’s’ and ‘passing through’ left, right and centre. The closer he got, the more excited he looked. Dan was half curious, half afraid.

He was interrupted by the lunch lady coughing pointedly. She nodded her head at the food in front of her. “Oh, sorry, umm I’ll have the chicken sandwich, please.”

“Dan! Are you even listening to me? I said the coach needs to speak to you. You can take your lunch with you. Hurry up!”

When Dan entered the coach’s office the coach was looking at his computer screen, but he vaguely waved to the seat in front of his desk. He sat down and ate his sandwich, slightly disgusted at the pale, almost white, tomatoes that were in the sandwich.

“Howell. I know you are counting on this game for your Personal statement, but the opposing team has just won their semi-final. Chorlton High School in Manchester. They have one of the top Pitchers of the country, Phil Lester. We’ve never played against them, but they’re good... very good. They have been national champion five times, and have had an entire team’s worth of people who will go on to play at professional level. There is one thing, however: the scouts want to see the players outside of the field. So in two weeks’ time, there’s going to be a 4-day boot camp for the teams in the final. The scouts organised it and will observe you during training and other activities. I’ve already talked to your form tutor and the head teacher and they gave permission. I just need your parents’ permission. Could you have them sign this and return it to me tomorrow?”

He handed Dan a letter, probably explaining the same he’d just been told. Dan was thinking about what he’d just heard. Phil Lester was going to be on the same field as him. He was going to be playing against Phil Lester. Even more so, he was going on a boot camp with Phil Lester. He didn’t know why he felt so excited for this.

He’d seen pictures of the guy, in online articles about recent national high school matches. Besides being a fantastic Baseball player, he was also attractive. Dan wasn’t going to deny that.

But he was the enemy. And Dan couldn’t get distracted by beautiful boys. He was training to become a professional baseball player, and they don’t get distracted by beautiful people, as far as he knew.

***

You know how parents have the ability to completely embarrass you in front of others? Dan’s mother went straight past that and to ‘I crave death and destruction’. They were waiting for the bus that would take them to the boot camp, and she was fussing over him, checking if he had everything, and making sure ‘her baby was going to be okay’ as she said. If that meant that she tugged at his collar, and kept going over a list of things he had to take with him on this trip, Dan would rather just leave.

“Owls, please make your way to the bus and put your luggage in the storage compartment before going in.”

“Bye, mum.” Dan joined PJ and Jack at the bus door. He heard his mum scream ‘I love you honey’ and felt the extreme urge to facepalm. PJ snickered and Dan elbowed him in the kidney, hard. They entered the bus and sat down.

***

“Dan, Dan! Wake up, Tim drew a moustache on your face while you were asleep. Anyway, we’re here.”

Groggily Dan sat up and wiped the sleep from his eyes. He took out his phone to check for fake moustaches, seeing it was just a few dots.

“Guys, gather around! We, the coaches, have made a randomly set up cabin division. You will be paired with a member of the Manchester team. Remember, the scouts are looking for someone who can work with what they’ve got. They want someone who takes sportsmanship before winning. So, don’t think of your roommate for the week as your enemy, but as someone who is striving for the exact same thing as you, and wants it just as bad. I’m not saying marry them, but maybe try to be friends with them. Yes, when we face them during the final, you can see them as opponents, but now, you have to show your abilities as a baseball player. The sheet with your cabin numbers is here.”

The team streamed out of the bus, and Dan glimpsed at the sheet coach was holding. He only saw his cabin number, his roommate was covered by coach’s thumb. 1910, mustn’t be hard to find.

It was hard to find, to put it simply. There was absolutely no system in the cabin numbers. Even more so, the cabins were spread over 4 fields. Eventually, Dan saw 1910, tucked away between the outskirts of the forest.

From the open window, music blasted loudly. Just as Dan stepped onto the porch, a single note blasted through the window. Immediately after, the sound of something dropping to the ground rolled out the window. He couldn’t help but giggle at the little yelp.

When he knocked on the door, the music stopped abruptly and seconds later the door opened, revealing a boy clad in a maroon shirt and matching shorts.

“Oh, you must be my cabin mate. I mean why would you be here otherwise. I’m Ph-”

“Phil Lester, star baseball player of Manchester, possibly the best pitcher in high school baseball. I know who you are. Hard to miss you. You’re kind of famous. I’m-”

“Dan Howell. You’re famous too, you spork. Although I rarely see someone who’s taller than me.”

Somehow, it got them to dissolve in uncontrollable laughter as if they’d known each other all their lives, and this wasn’t awkward at all.

“God, that sounded even cheesier in my head.” Dan looked at him confusedly. “I sometimes narrate what’s happening around me, but this better not be the cliché ‘opposite team stars meet, become best friends, they live happily ever after’ because then I’ll start singing ‘the Start of Something New’ like Troy Bolton.”

Dan burst out laughing once more and managed to say, “First, I’ll join in but cringe the whole time. Second, let’s go inside, the mosquitoes are eating me alive right now.”

When they got inside, the brunet saw that on the lower bunk, a bag lay half unpacked. A Pokémon shirt was half hanging off the bed, a pair of running bottoms and running shoes on the pillow and, neatly folded on a chair at the foot of the bed, was a Baseball uniform. The greens and blues were vibrant and seemed to light up under the sunlight streaming in through the window. Dan knew that the Manchester team was known for its brightly coloured uniforms and impeccable aesthetic, but couldn’t help but be surprised at the beauty of the uniform. He always thought his team’s uniforms were aesthetically pleasing, with the soft pastel pink and black, but they are easily beat by the vibrant colours of the Manchester team.

“I see your eyes are being attacked by the uniform of Chorlton High School. Sometimes I think we blind people with our bright uniforms, and that’s how we win.” Phil chuckled and Dan hurried to shake his head. “No, no, definitely not. You are amazing players. I watched some shitty quality videos of one of your games last season, and from what I could see, the only thing they got distracted by was the hot players-” he stopped midsentence and blushed brightly. He coughed and turned his attention to his bag.

“Thank you. I have some very good looking teammates if I can say that.”

The two guys went about their own business for a few minutes until there was a knock at the door. Phil went to get it because Dan had his hands full of clothing he was trying to put away in some orderly way.

“Hey, Phil! Want to go check out the area? It’s still like half an hour till the introduction and dinner, and I want to check out the field.” A northern voice came from the doorway.

“Sure, can Dan come? Then we can check out the area with him.” Phil hasn’t even turned around when Dan answered the unasked question. He stood up from the chair he’d sunk down in moments previous. “Sure, I’ll come, just let me put on some shoes.”

Five minutes later he was walking along with the 3 guys, Phil included. Surprisingly, PJ was there as well and greeted Dan.

“Well, Ello. I’m Chris Kendall, Catcher supreme. Also PJ cabin-mate. And also possibly planning your murder in the forest later this week.”

For just one terrifying moment Dan thought he was serious, whilst he made eye contact with PJ. Then he caught sight of Chris’ shit eating grin and burst out laughing. Phil was giggling, hiding his mouth behind his hand.

Dan sobered up at the sight. ‘Shit’.

***

“Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to Baseball camp. This week we, as ‘scouts’, want to observe you as you train and interact with each other. We set this up-”

Phil tuned out the voice of the man standing at the centre of the dining hall. He preferred to stare at the boy sitting opposite him, currently whispering to PJ, also ignoring the man still talking.

Of course, he’d seen pictures of Dan Howell, as he was one of the more famous high school players. Yet somehow the pictures just didn’t do him justice. Was he going to be having these cheesy thoughts all throughout the week? Probably.

“… halfway through the week, we will play a game, not competitive, just to see you play in a competition.”

This was going to be an interesting week.

***

The next morning, Phil was woken up by an insistent knocking on the door. Groggily, he opened it, to reveal one of his teammates, Dean.

“What do you want? It’s too early to prank Jack.”

“The warm-up starts in half an hour. Get up and ready. Meet me back in the dining hall. Wear your track clothes.”

He turned around and left. “Good morning to you too, Mister Dobbs.” Phil muttered as he shut the door and trudged back to his bed, climbing up the ladder of the bunk to wake up Dan, only to find the brunet facing towards the gap for the ladder. Their faces were close, and Dan’s breath fanned over Phil’s nose.

“Dan, Dan wake up. We have to start training.” He softly shook the boy awake. Dan grumbled and opened his eyes, blinking the sleep out of eyes.

“Go get ready, we have a track training in half an hour. And you still need to eat breakfast.” Phil went down the ladder and assembled his track clothes before disappearing into the bathroom

Dan grumbled again and pushed aside his covers, rubbing his eyes whilst going down the ladder. He walked to his bag and picked up his clothes. He discarded his sleeping shirt and put on his black track shirt and black track shorts.

About ten minutes later they were all standing on a large grass field. At the front, Dan’s coach was talking about a slow warmup, followed by sprint training and some evaluation by the ‘scouts’.

“This is going to be fun,” Dan muttered.

PJ snickered beside him. “Why do you hate running so much when you’re one of the best sprinters in the team? You scored home runs that seemed impossible and yet you complain every time we have to run. I just don’t get it.”

Dan was about to go on his rant about running again when Chris interrupted them. “I think PJ explained this to me last night. You hate exercising and eating healthily, except when it’s Baseball? I do not want to see the insides of your brain.”

“I think you just want a whole lot of naked topless guys.” PJ looked horrified a second after the words had left his lips. It had just slipped. Their entire team was okay with Dan’s sexuality and usually teased him about it with good manners. But, once they made a joke whilst they were at a game, and the opposite team had reacted repulsively and were disgusted. They demanded that the match would be cancelled, as they ‘wouldn’t play against a homosexual team’. The Umpire had to step in and even asked Dan if he wanted it in an official report.

Dan slowly stepped towards PJ, just in case things got ugly.

“Well, let me in then. As long as Haru Chan is in there too: he deserves some good shirtless action.” Phil’s voice shook Dan out of his alert and ready to move mindset.

“Do I have to go all crazy on you guys or not? Because I’m prepared to kick some ass for this crazy hobbit.” PJ stepped closer to Phil and Chris, at least trying to look intimidating.

“I don’t think so unless you want to protect him from my irresistible body.” Chris sniggered and did a half-assed body role.

Phil immediately hit him in the chest and hissed ‘Chris’ but he was smiling. “Don’t worry. Chris is the most flaming homosexual in this team, and I don’t care what sexuality you are, I care about who you are as a person.”

Dan breathed out in relief. PJ let his shoulders relax.

“Everyone, start with three laps around the field!”

Dan grunted and started jogging. His curly-haired friend huffed out a laugh and followed him. The two others followed suit.

Five minutes in, Dan felt the sweat on his forehead. His hair was beginning to curl and he felt the need to lie down and take a short nap.

“Okay, split up in groups and start sprinting the short sides of the field. We’ll do something else later.”

Dan, Phil, PJ and Chris stood together. “So, Howell. You claim that you’re a good sprinter? Let’s see. Fastest to the other side wins.”

“Deal.”

“3… 2… 1… Go!”

They took off towards the other side of the field, Dan quickly taking the lead on Chris. His feet kept going faster, lightly tapping the grass. When he came to a halt at the other end of the field he managed to slip on the grass that was still wet with dew. He came to a slippery halt just in front of the trees lining the field.

“I win! Suck on that Kendall.” Dan cheered victoriously. Chris was standing a few metres from him and PJ and Phil were sprinting towards them, PJ barely keeping a straight face until he stopped in front of Dan.

“How do you always manage to trip over something or bump into something? It’s like you forget the rest of the world exists.”

Dan opened his mouth to reply sassily but before he could, the coach called them together.

Before they started walking, Phil grabbed Dan by the wrist lightly. “Are you okay? You’re not hurt, are you?”

“I’m fine, but thanks for asking.”

***

Throughout the week they did group activities and sometimes personal assignments one on one with the ‘scouts’. They only stopped training for food, and if the scouts wanted to talk to them. When they got closer to the mid-week competition, people began to sneakily sabotage the opposite team. Dan and Phil made a pact to not let any of their teammates into their cabin without the permission of both of them and they were both awake and in the cabin as well. This was to prevent any pranks from happening.

Then there was a second thing happening. Dan figured out pretty quickly that living in a small space with someone who was not only hot, but also really funny and kind, wasn’t a very good idea. The more he talked to Phil, the more butterflies he felt fluttering in his stomach. When Phil laughed, alarm bells went off in his head. When they touched, Dan thought he could feel sparks travel through his skin. It was so cliché, but he just couldn’t help it.

Phil on the other hand, had been told off by his coach mutable times for being distracted during the training. He was told to get his head in the game or get out. (Dan had laughed loudly, much to the coach’s confusion, and started singing ‘get your head in the game’). The problem was that, more often than not, the thing that was distracting him was in the field with Dan. Dan was laughing, messing around or even just doing what he was told beside him, and Phil would go off into a fantasy about kissing those dimples oh so softly, just barely brushing his lips against the slightly tanned skin. Once, he’d let the fantasy get the best of him, and had leaned in towards Dan’s cheek until he suddenly realised he couldn’t just do that.

Chris and PJ had noticed their behaviour by now. They continuously teased the two boys about, but only when the other wasn’t there. Dan would be staring at his dinner, and PJ would pipe up with ‘thinking about Phil, aren’t you?’ and Dan would blush bright red and splutter indignantly.

This was not working for either of them. Phil tried to ignore the butterflies fluttering in his stomach when those brown doe eyes shone. Dan tried to not get lost in those ocean blue eyes whenever he could. They had to concentrate. This was still a competition.

***

“Howell! Don’t disappoint me today. Concentrate. Lester is one of the top pitchers, and one of a kind. This is your chance to observe him and learn his tactics. This goes for all of you! It’s been decided we play field first. PJ, pitch. Tim, left fielder. Finn, first baseman. Jack, third baseman. Jason, catcher. Dereck, centre fielder. Dave, right fielder. Dan, shortstop and Sam, second baseman. Rest benches. Okay, let’s go Owls!”

Quickly they took their positions. The other team was ready to start hitting, the Umpire blew on his whistle, and Dan was off into his mindset. Nothing mattered more than winning the game. The first hit was played. The ball flew through the sky, the whistling like music to Dan’s ears.

The ball started to descend near centre fielder, who made a dash for the ball. A hush fell over the field. There was no laughing, no talking, just utter concentration on the game.

As the game continued scores kept close. Dan was kept away from the hitting plate. His coach often did that when it was a tough game, keeping his stronger players out until later, in case they needed to make a comeback.

However, the Chorlton coach had the same idea. Until 15 minutes before the game ended both of them were benched. The scores were tied. Dan’s team was hitting.

“Howell, your go!” Dan jumped up and walked towards the hitting plate. Across the field, he heard Phil’s coach shout ‘Lester you’re up!’

Dan felt a thrill of excitement go down his spine. He was up against the player that was almost entirely out of his league.

He lifted his bat and got ready. Phil pulled back his hand and looked Dan in the eye. “Don’t get distracted, Dan! Don’t get distracted Dan!” it ran through his head. The voice sounded strangely like PJ, and somehow Dan thought PJ was signalling it telepathically.

The ball surged forward. It was a fast one and if he didn’t hit it, it would be a strike. Dan tried to keep his eye on the ball. He pulled back his bat even further and pushed it forward.

The wood hit the ball. The whistling went away, but Dan wasn’t paying attention. He threw the bat backwards. His feet were moving towards first base. The ball was still going. Second base was approaching. Dan took the risk to look at the ball, seeing that it was still high in the air and going towards the long end. He continued running. He passed third base. Home base was getting closer.

Phil stood there, in the middle of the field. He was watching Dan run around the field, like a black streak with pink highlights. When he’d seen Dan in his uniform this morning he’d actually let his mouth fall open. The uniform was very fitted, and the black complimented his entire body.

“Homerun!” The Owls started cheering loudly. Dan sank on the ground and just smiled at Phil, who was still staring at him. His eyes were soft, his hair going extra curly from the sweat.

The rest of the game seemed to go by in a blur, at least for Phil. That smile was stuck on his mind, and it made his heart stutter slightly.

At the end, he walked to Dan and stopped in front of him.

“Congratulations on winning the championship.” He was grinning like a fool, he was 100% sure he was.

“Um… Phil, this was a test game. We haven’t even played the real game.” Dan looked amused and slightly confused.

“Yeah, but at the rate, you’re going we won’t stand a chance. You’ve already won in my book.”

“Phil that’s very sweet of you, but you are downplaying your team undeservedly. We barely won. There were some lucky moments. We stand just as much of a chance as you. Why do you think we both made it to the final? Because we managed to beat everyone else.”

They were approaching their cabin, but Phil stopped the brunet by softly grasping his hand. “Hey, um... Dan... I... I just... I just really want us to stay in touch, you know after this week, and after the finale.” Not exactly want he was going to say, but close enough.

Dan smiled his full-on dimpled smile. “You spork, of course we’re going to be friends after this. I can honestly say that you’ve become one of my best friends in the last few days.” He smiled again and pulled the older one into a hug.

“Oi, Howell! No distracting our team with your body!”

“Fuck off Kendall!”

****

As the week continued, Dan tried to tell Phil how he felt on multiple occasion. Every time he would back out a the last moment, finding it too great a risk to ruin this new found friendship over something so silly as a tiny crush.

Only it wasn’t a tiny crush. It was more like falling in love, hard and fast. It seemed like the world had opened up a gigantic hole of Phil’s little habits and antics. However, as soon as Dan opened his mouth to just fucking say something, all odds seemed to go against him.

Once his coach walked up to them when he’d just gotten the first words out. His coach had then proceeded to pull him away, and go through a new idea he’d had, for an hour. By the time the man was done talking, Phil was training with his team.

Dan was determined to change that. He made a promise to himself, and PJ, that he would tell the ebony haired man before midnight on the night of the finale. He also promised PJ that if that didn’t happen, he’d allow him and Chris to interfere.

Dan wasn’t quite sure if that was the brightest idea he’d ever had, but it was too late now.

It was also too late to tell Phil in person because the bus was leaving in two minutes and Dan hadn’t seen Phil since breakfast. He reluctantly put his bag in the storage compartment and turned towards the doors. PJ patted him on the shoulder comfortingly. They were the last to get on the bus, and the bus driver was impatiently waiting for them to just get on, so they could start the two hour drive back to school.

Just as the doors closed Dan saw a figure run onto the road where the scouts had just said their temporary goodbyes. He was sprinting towards the bus. The bus driver was about to turn on the motor when Dan screamed: “Wait! Stop! I forgot something. I’ll just be a second.”

He heard everyone on the bus sigh, but his coach nodded. “Hurry Howell.”

Then he was sprinting down the road, approaching the figure still running towards him.

“Phil I need to say something. And just, just wait until I’m finished. I don’t have long. I like you, as more than a friend I guess. No I don’t guess, I know. And I don’t know if I just ruined a great friendship, but it was worth it. I know you might not feel the same way, and that’s okay. I just hope that we can at least maintain some form of friendship.”

And with that he sprinted back to the bus, and plopped down next to PJ, who was staring at him with open mouth. “You did not just tell him and then run off?! I can’t believe you!”

Dan, however, wasn’t interested in the happenings in the bus. Instead he stared out the window, at the figure that was swiftly getting smaller.

Phil stared at the retreating bus, still trying to comprehend the words that had just reached his ears. Somehow, Dan Howell was interested in him. He took out his phone, fumbling to get it as fast as possible.

It was only when he was frantically trying to get the damned thing to turn on that he remembered that his phone charger was at home, and throughout the week he’d borrowed people’s chargers to keep it alive. Only today, with everyone packing, he’d forgotten to charge it.

“Phil, we’re about to leave. You coming?” Chris came around the corner. Phil shook his head to shake himself out of his daze and turned towards his friend. “Yeah...” it came out to rough for his liking. He cleared his throat, “yes, let’s go.”

***

Dan felt miserable over the weekend. He’d expected at least one text from Phil, but when he received nothing for the majority of those two days, he gathered all the guts he had and text it him. It had been disappointing when the text had remained unanswered.

Despite this Dan showed up to school on Monday in a good mood. He felt good about the game in two weeks. His schoolyear so far had gone great. He wasn’t about to let feelings get in the way of that.

By the time lunch came around he’d mostly forgotten about the text incident. Almost. When he sat down with his friends he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket several times. He pulled it out of pocket, not looking at the caller ID.

“Hey, this is Dan.”

“Dan, it’s Phil from Chris’ phone. My brother took my charger when he visited last week and I haven’t been able to charge my phone since I got home. I was going to text you when you got on the bus but then my phone died and I couldn’t and….”

“Phil it’s okay.”

“No it’s not and I’m going to make it up to you. You’ll see. You’ll be charmed Mr. Howell.”

The line went dead and Dan pulled the phone away from his ear. He let a dimpled smile slide onto his face. Louise immediately started to interrogate him.

“Who is it, and what made you smile so much? PJ, I demand a story fact check.”

When the two were done explaining, Louise was giggling loudly and around them some of Dan’s other friends were very amused.

“So Dan, you confessed your undying love for the man, then ran onto a bus. You spent the weekend being miserable, and when you sent a text and didn’t get a reply, you didn’t think to look if it had actually been received. And it turns out your little lover boy just lost his phone charger and loves you. And he promised to charm you off your feet. This could only happen to you Daniel Howell.”

“Preach.”

***

Chorlton high school’s baseball team was spending the entire afternoon before the game at Dan’s school. Dan still had his lessons to follow, but frankly, he wasn’t really aware of what actually happened during these lessons. All he could think was that Phil was so close, so fucking close.

During the two weeks leading up to the game, the two had texted almost nonstop. Among the long conversations about almost anything, they flirted, and every time Phil responded to his flirting with more flirting Dan felt his heart do a little jump. So knowing that the blue eyed boy was in the same building as him, made him feel giddy.

His friends teased him endlessly. Louise seemed to hum Disney songs whenever Dan was around. Often it was the same one and after three days of that same song being stuck in his head, Dan had caved and googled the song.

Why Louise was singing ‘Did I mention’ was still a mystery to Dan. he asked her on several occasions, and eventually she made him watch Descendants and Descendants 2 because Louise doesn’t do half work. But Dan was just as clueless, if not crushing a little bit on Jay’s muscles.

They were supposed to arrive during the period before lunch. Honestly, by the time the lunch bell rang, Dan was shaking with giddy excitement. His mind was a near constant chant of ‘Phil! Phil!’ and his smile hadn’t left his lips for the last hour. As he entered the cafeteria, he eagerly looked around for the bright green and blue uniforms. He found them shattered around the cafeteria, sitting with his teammates who sat with their own groups of friends. At last he saw PJ and Chris sitting at their usual table. Still no sign of Phil.

“Hey Howell, sad to see you’re still on your feet.” Chris patted him on the shoulder, his signature smirk firmly planted on his face.

“He’s not going to react. He hasn’t had his daily dose of Phil yet, and he’s a bit addicted.” Dan desperately wanted to hit his friends, who were all snickering at PJ’s comment.

“Oh, didn’t Phil tell you. He is with the coach, working on some last minute tactics. Will probably take the rest of the day. He said to tell you hello, and that he’ll see you at the game.” Chris smiled sympathetically and pat Dan on the back again.

“Oh. Okay. Thanks.” Dan took his spot at the table. He wouldn’t let the dejection get him down on the day of the big game.

***

“Listen up Owls! As much as this game is about winning, it is more important that you show the scouts that you are someone they want on their team. They don’t care who wins or loses tonight, they care about you and your talents. We are going to play like the test game, only better. This time we start as batting team. Howell, I want you on the bench for now.” Their coach was standing at the door of their changing room giving his usual pre-game talk. The team was calm, as they always were just before the adrenaline kicked in. Dan felt them all take a collective breath before the coach opened the door.

The stands were full, people were cheering and the music was blasting loudly. The crowd seemed to unleash energy from within Dan, and he was ready to win a game.

“Players please take your positions.” Across from their bench, Phil was sat, also on the bench. They briefly met eyes, and exchanged smiles. Dan felt his insides flutter.

They were on the fifth inning when the coach called Dan to the plate. He walked to the plate, bat in hand. Across from him Phil stood at the pitching plate. He took a deep breath and laid the bat on his shoulder. He went back to the basics of baseball that he was taught in the very beginning. It always helped him calm down.

Elbows up, let your armpits air. Body sideways, non-dominant side forwards. Deep breath, eyes on the pitcher.

Phil pulled his hand back, and threw. The ball whistled towards him and Dan forgot the crowds. The only things left on the field were him and the ball. The sound became muted, as if he had cushions over his ears.

If he wouldn’t hit the ball, it would be a strike. The ball was a fast one. He swung his bat forward. Wood connected with the ball. He forced the ball away from himself. As soon as he felt the connection break he dropped the bat and started running.

He passed first base, and continued running. He was approaching second base when he saw, from his peripheral vision, a field player throwing the ball towards the person standing at second base. He pushed himself to go faster. His left foot hit the base.

Pan shot up his knee. His leg gave out underneath him. A collective gasp ran through the crowd. Dan blinked at his knee, trying to comprehend what had just happened. The ball lay a few centimetres away. Then the Umpire was beside him. “Are you okay boy?” Dan nodded, and pushed his upper body off the ground.

When he tried to stand he felt pain shoot through his knee yet again. He almost fell over, but the umpire caught him before he could, and helped him towards the benches. The coach was already waiting with a first aid kit.

“You got a long ball to the knee boy. Got busted pretty bad, I think. I can’t let you play. Let’s get this knee cooled.”

So Dan sat out the game watching the scoreboard go up, somehow staying even for most of the game. All throughout that, he felt eyes on him, and when he looked up once, he found himself staring at Phil, who seemed to look at him in earnest concern.

During the last inning Phil was once again at the pitching plate. He threw the ball at Dave, who swung. Strike. Phil threw the ball again. Dave didn’t swing. Ball. He threw again, Dave hit the ball. It flew through the air, and landed in Chris’ glove.

“End Game.” Dan looked at the scoreboard. Chorlton high was ahead just a few points. They won. Cheering went through the crowd. Dan clapped along. Someone walked onto the field to announce the official winners of the high school baseball competition in the UK.

As Dan watched, he saw Phil take the microphone, and call for attention.

“Excuse me, can I have your attention please. I need to tell someone something very important. Two weeks ago we went on a training camp, and I met one of the UK’s top amateur players. Dan Howell. At the end of that training camp, he told me he was in love with me. But, in Dan Howell fashion, he didn’t give me the chance to response. So here’s my response Dan Howell. I am as much in love with you as you are with me, and maybe more. O would you, please, go on a date with me. Don’t stand up! I’ll come over to you.”

Dan was blushing and grinning as the ebony haired boy approached. As soon as they were close enough, he stood on unsteady feet, and threw himself into Phil’s arms.

“I’d love to go on a date with you.”

***

In the end, it didn’t matter that Dan hadn’t been able to play for more than just a minute. He got a letter from the scouts, saying they loved his performance throughout the week during training, and they wanted him. Phil ended up getting the same letter and they were accepted together. It felt amazing to go into his dorm and see his boyfriend there.

“How is that for cheesy, Phil?”

[eveshappyplace]

Considerate vs Fake Friends

The difference between real friends and fake friends

Friends come and go, for most that is hard to accept. The reasoning is simple, so new friends can enter your life who have a purpose in the current chapter of your life. Some might think that all their current friends are their friends for life, turns out that is wrong, you will have many friends that come and go. If you are lucky, you have your best friend that you've known and continued to hang out with since kindergarten. During the many stages of life, you meet great people that influence you to be better, and some people that you think are great but in reality, are a bad influence on you. When you are little about 4 to 11 years old, you think everyone is your friend and you get along with everyone which is great. When middle school starts that is when situations start to change, friends drift apart and you find new friends and start to notice who your real friends are. The transition between friendships goes on throughout life and a majority of friendships end after highschool because after all, some friendships are formed entirely because of school. Friends are hard to let go of depending on the situation and that is completely understandable. (Fair warning I’m going to start ranting!!)

Considerate Friends

I referenced knowing your best friend since kindergarten. I’ve known my best friend for about 14 years, I don’t remember exactly when we met but our mothers have told us the story of how we met in a dance class at about 4 years old. To be truthful, both my best friend and I can both say that we will don’t remember much of the dance class, just being in the same first-grade class a couple of years later. We were also in the same third-grade class and then after that was history pretty much. All the memories we've made together, during our school days as well as the time since being graduated from highschool. My favorite memories start when we met in first grade, between first grade and sixth grade I was a cheerleader and my best friend joined me in cheer around 4th grade. We never made varsity but we sure made many memories. I enjoyed the routines we had but I don’t remember them too well anymore. It’s an underestimation how much we love sushi and coffee, not at the same time but still. We would get endless amounts of sushi before binge-watching shows on Netflix and hours of Youtube videos about abandoned places. We’ve gone to many festivals together and even went on a few day trips together such as Six Flags and her first time going to Olive Garden. Also, we went to Woodfield Mall a couple of times and we need to go again soon. We’ve started a podcast together as well, involving: trending internet topics, history, and music.

I met another best friend of mine in 5th grade, we met in Girl Scouts and she was a year behind me in school, she was extremely shy when we first met but after 7 and a half years, that has all changed. We’ve been through so much in 7 years and always found our way back to each other. My favorite memories start when we were little, I still have a majority of our old pictures together. One memory that sticks out from the rest besides meeting, would be playing Minecraft on our phones and building forts together; in fact, we still to this day make forts because we enjoy it. I do wish that we had our old Minecraft worlds stored somewhere, hopefully, her old iPad still has them. I asked her about her favorite memory of us together, she told me it was when we first met, and when I showed her Minecraft for the first time. This is a bit embarrassing to admit but I had an obsession with Minecraft sheep, it was more of an inside joke with her than anything. I’m over the obsession part but still to this day it’s an inside joke and we still joke about it, even now she asks if I’ve found a black-colored sheep. We’ve gone to a few festivals together in town but not too many. We haven’t hung out much recently because of life but I still speak with her often. She’s never switched up on me but we’ve had times where we talk to each other less, it’s never intentional but it just happens. I included below in fake friends about one of her toxic friends she had.

I met another friend in 5th grade as well although we didn’t become close until around 6th grade I believe. I started to often spend time with her in 7th grade, we didn’t see each other much because of distance between houses and usually she was busy which I understood. We talked often in between visits and at school when we could. My favorite memory with her is probably going to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens on New Years Day and also the Fall Festival here in town. We haven’t gone to many places together recently but we did hang out at my house.

Fake Friends

These friends I speak of above. They mean so much to me I could go on forever about each one but like everyone else I’ve had fake friends too. Two in particular have stood out in my past. I met both of them when I was young. Around 10 years old I met them both but at different times. Both of them were good friends until then end when they decided to show their true colors.

The first one in particular I could tell you everything she accused me of but when she asked if she needed to keep going with reasons we aren’t friends anymore, I let it go and didn't text her anymore. I didn’t care. Most of what she accused me of i don’t remember it being how she put it. I have a different phone now from when I last messaged her but I’ll include a couple of the major ones.

She said I forced her to buy me a birthday gift when she “had no money”. What really happened is, I said “It would be nice if you did but you don't have to since I understand you are low on funds”

I had plans one day and the same day, she asked to hang out so immediately I informed her I had errands to do and mom and I might go to lunch as well, she didn’t seem bothered by it. Later she tells me I “forced” her to pay with money she didn't have.

The second one is a bit different than the previous friend but still, I am sure there are some similarities. Also like the previous friend she was a good friend until the end when she showed her true colors. What stands out to me about her is that she was so shy and kept to herself quite often. Years later when we met up again, (because of schedules and excuses) I at first was so happy I got to finally spend time with her in person after so long, but years later things had obviously changed. She still was nice but I could tell she acted differently from the last time I saw her, she had changed so much which I was proud of until I realized she started to not take my advice, didn’t listen to me and ignored my ideas. First couple days she stayed with me it was nice and we painted our nails and watched movies. The leftover days she stayed, she slept, I didn’t think much of it until the next time she came over, same thing happened. She was thankful she got to spend time with me but when my mom and I dropped her off she showed absolutely no emotion and didn’t text me again saying she had a good time, she went on to ignore me for the next 3 days or so. I pondered over the long conversations we had with my mother about her past and within that time the friend seemed to listen but who knows if she truly took my mother’s advice. I’ll never know. As I type this she’s taken care of a few important things but it will take a while for her to earn my trust back, maybe not even at all. She supposedly thinks the world of me but yet she’s lied and left out so much about her life that I didn’t know what to believe anymore.

The important point about fake/toxic friends is most of the time you can spot it from a mile away but not so much when they have such seemingly good intentions at first, it’s sometimes hard to decipher whether or not they are truly a toxic friend.

I’d like to include another story that is not mine but I got permission to write it here. My friend who I met in 5th grade during Girl Scouts whom is on the considerate side, had a toxic friend and she said I could include her story too. My friend had switched schools because of her situation which I had no problem with, she made a few friends and I was super happy for her! Although this one friend of hers in particular she did EVERYTHING with, which is true, I’m not jealous or anything she would agree that they did a lot together. Anyway, she came to me and said: “She’s insulting me”, so I stepped in and asked why the friend did such a thing. She was more specific and said the friend insulted things she did such as hang out with friends other than her. My friend had said also that it was like her friend was trying to take her away from her family, because she spent so much time with her friends family versus her own. She was selfish in such a way that she would sabotage the relationships my friend had with her other friends and family. Additionally, the friend influenced my friend in many unnecessary situations, such as smearing tuna in someone's car.

I 100% realize I turned an informative article into a rant, but for me I’d rather describe what I experience so people understand the difference between considerate versus fake friends.

[obvidalous]

11 questions

Thank you for the tag, @bitter-stella! I love memes! I know it took me forever to do this, sorry… I was caught in an endless loop of exams and it wouldn’t let me go until today ;) Now I’m on holiday (yay!), so let’s go back to business xD

RULES: Answer 11 questions from the person who tagged you and then make 11 more for the next people that you tag.

1. If you could only pick one OC to play in every game, who would it be and why? I.e. You can only play as your Shepard for example, but that Shepard would be your protagonist in every future BioWare game/game that allows you to customize the protagonist.

Without any doubt, Sara Ryder. I really fell in love with her. She’s fun to be around, always ready to kick ass, and she loves a good pun as much as I do! I’m sure I’ll never get bored of her, whatever the game. And I love the idea of playing a totally different sort of game with her! I’d love to see her in a medieval armor, leading a charge straight into an army of orcs!

 2. What is one movie that you have watched recently that completely blew your expectations out of the water?

I’m afraid I’m not a big fan of movies. I prefer series… I recently watched Treme, a very very VERY good one. If you have not watched it yet and like jazz music, you definitely need to watch this. It’s about New-Orleans, music, and… life. And it really blew me out of the water (no pun intended… I swear!)

 3. Name an aspect of your personality that you think is your best.

I am a dreamer. As long as I can dream, I’m happy. I guess that makes me an optimistic, too. Of course, I have bad days like anyone else, but I usually try to see the good side in everything. And when I like something, I never hesitate to say it out loud!

 4. What is one luxury you don’t think you could live without?

I’m not proud to admit it… cigarettes. For some it’s coffee… but me, I cannot wake up if I don’t have my morning smoke. Nobody’s perfect, right?

 5. Without giving their name or a lot of specifics, describe your favourite romance in a BioWare game and explain why - focus more on how the romance made you feel and what resonated with you.

No need of names, y’all know who I’m talking about ;) What really got to me in this romance, is that it’s not a classic love-at-first-sight story. It’s dark and deep, and with so many things at stake beyond their mutual attraction. It’s a story for grown-ups. And yet, it is also so, so sweet! The way I picture their relation is a mix of all that. And I can really relate to that. And to the handsome smuggler (oops, I said it!)

 6. Picture a paradise in your mind’s eye. What do you see? I.e. What does paradise look like to you?

That’s such a hard question! My paradise needs to be sunny, and warm. But what’s more important, is the people that are with me. I don’t really care about the place or the scenery – I need my friends and the people I love to be with me. And my cats. And my computer. That’s all ;)

 7. What did you want to be when you were a child? A teenager? An adult? How much has it changed, if at all?

When I was a child, I wanted to be a vet. But I quickly changed my mind when I realized how long I would have to study to do that! As a teenager, I wanted to be a poet. Gosh, disillusion came fast, though. As an adult… I’m studying to become a teacher. I still dream to be an author, someday… but I’m far from achieving that goal. So, teaching would be nice, you know, to start with.

 8. What was your very first fandom? Very first pairing/OTP?

I’ve played many games, but ME:A is the first fandom that really got into me, actually. I guess my very first OC was my DA Inquisitor. When I have the time, I’ll try to post a pic of her, I spent so many time creating her! She romanced Cullen (of course… I’m so predictable…) but I wouldn’t consider it my OTP…

 9. What’s the last song you listened to? 

Janis Joplin – Summertime (listening to it as I’m writing this)

 10. Regardless of whether you write or draw, how would you describe your style? How do you perceive it?

Another tough question here… I’m not sure I really have a style, per se, but I like to put some humor in my texts. I just can’t resist a good pun! And a lighter mood gives more impact to the dark side of the story, that’s how I see it anyway. And I also believe in the power of words, so I put extra-care in my choice of words. I mean, if I curse, there’s a purpose to that. Sometimes, it’s relevant to use the f-word – and sometimes it’s better not to. I like to play with words…

 11. Why are you here? (I.e. On tumblr or in the fandom) What was the allure?

Well, I’m here for the fun of meeting new people whom I share interest in video games with (irl most of my friends don’t play video games… it’s such a shame…), and for all the gorgeous art, and wonderful fics! I needed more content for my favorite games – and here I can finally get all I want. And even more!

 My 11 Questions:

(damn, making up questions is even harder than answering yours…)

1.       Current favorite song, album or artist to recommend?

2.       Why did you start writing? And how old were you?

3.       Is English your mother tongue? And do you speak any other language?

4.       Any New year’s resolution? (it’s not too late to choose one…)

5.       What’s the first thing you do in the morning?

6.       How long have you been on Tumblr?

7.       If you won a million dollars, what’s the first thing you would do/buy?

8.       Do you have any pet peeves?

9.       Do you enjoy multi-player games? Why/why not?

10.   What’s your dream destination? What makes you want to go there?

11.   Imagine you meet your favorite OC – what’s the first thing you’d say to her/him?

 Ok – now I’m gonna sleep for like 12 or even 15 hours, catch up on 72 hours without Tumblr, post my next chapter… and sleep some more.

And I tag (with no obligation)

@ladyinthebluebox @notebookalpha @joufancyhuh @makocartwheels @kenshi-vakarian7 @effelants and @bitter-stella (because I’m evil and I want to know your answers to those!!)

[makingxocircles]

Heeeeeelp meeeeeeee

Ok so i need some help. There’s this boy that i like. I’ve liked him for over a year but up until a week ago, he’d been in a relationship. We have had a pretty steady friendship this whole time. So here’s where it gets… kinda confusing. So he was dating a girl who doesn’t even live in the US. I live in Florida and he lives in California. She would periodically visit him a few times throughout their relationship but the majority of the relationship was spent apart from each other. Meanwhile, my friendship with him is mostly online via texting mostly, Instagram and Skype. Early on in our friendship while he was still dating this other girl, we began flirting. Little stuff here and there, until he asked me for pictures and you know what pictures I’m talking about. At first I was hesitant and slightly torn because on one hand I really liked him but on the other I knew I was enabling him to essentially cheat on his gf. I didn’t want to hurt her but at the same time i really wanted to indulge. So after months of him asking, i sent him photo’s. Also note that while we were flirting via text we got a bit naughty if you know what i mean. This was all early this year, while he was dating this other girl. During this time, while i had enjoyed him flirting with me and giving me this kind of attention, i was also being told by “friends” how I was such a terrible person for wanting to do this with him while he was dating someone else and i began feeling guilty. As I should i mean i would be crushed if i was in her place. Also note, that while all this was going on, she and I were friendly.

So i brought this dilemma up to him and he got very defensive telling me that he had talked to his gf about this and she knew he was flirty with other girls (not necessarily me). While I don’t wanna make excuses for him, i want to point out that the last year and a half of his life that i have known him, he lost his little sister and best friend right in front of him. So i don’t know exactly if his behavior towards me was just a result of his trauma or if he had some kind of feelings towards me, I’m not sure. But this information is key to understanding him.

So i tell him, hey listen i don’t like feeling like I’m just the side chick. I don’t want to enable you to cheat on your gf etc. even though by now, i had sexted, flirted and sent risqué photo’s. He was understanding and respected my choice and ever since then our conversations have been light and platonic. Both of us are musicians so a main portion of our conversations are music based. But nonetheless, he would offer up information from time to time when things with his gf weren’t going well. When they would fight, things she did that he didn’t like, etc.

Recently she was in his town for a few weeks. During this time, he and I talked like normal and even planned a Skype time to work on music. Well right up to him making the Skype call he texts me and cancels saying he had a mini emergency and that he would make it up to me. This was on halloween night (today is the day after Thanksgiving to give reference for future readers) so you can tell how recent this was. While she was in town, he mentioned a few times being stressed out and anxious. I associated that though with something else going on in his life not her being in town. He never told me what that mini emergency was but later that night i asked if everything was okay and he said things weren’t great but he was okay. Meanwhile his gf is sharing Instagram stories of them together carving pumpkins and dressing up for Halloween. Online it looked like everything was perfect. That nothing was wrong.

So at the beginning of this month after she left and went back home overseas, he seemed less stressed. But again associated that with something happening in his life that had past at this point so i just assumed he was relaxed from not having so much on his plate. But then i notice that he unfollowed his gf on social media and she did the same. This didn’t surprise me because periodically throughout their relationship they would do that and then follow each other again like a week or so later. Well a week went by and neither refollowed the other. So being me and having a crush on him, decided to see if he still had his relationship status on Facebook. When i noticed that he had taken the status off his main page, i clicked on his about and saw that he was still “in a relationship” with her but it wasn’t displayed on his main page like it used to be so i knew something was up. So our mutual friend suggested he would ask him what was going on. So he messaged him and gets back a response “no things aren’t great with us. It sucks” then all of a sudden he is listed as “single” on Facebook.

So after alllllllllll of that. Here’s where i need some help and if you stick with me up until here you are the real MVP cause that’s a lot. I mentioned that his ex-gf is not from America. Well turns out she’s moving to his city for an internship in February. So i have the next few months to really tell him how i feel about him. But my fear is that he doesn’t feel the same. I am afraid that his flirtatious attitude towards me was nothing more than just his way of dealing with the tragedy he had been through a few months earlier or if their relationship had been rocky even back then. I know he loves her and i am sure she loved him. I an afraid that if i don’t step up and tell him how I feel that when she does move there for school, that they will rekindle the flames. She was recently advertising on twitter for a roommate to live with while she was there, which to me was already a huge red flag that things were bad because she easily could have lived with him and his family rent free so why look for roommates? If it was me, i would pick rent free living with the boy i love over paying to live with friends. And even if they couldn’t live in his parents house with him, both of them have money and could afford to live together. They are both adults. Again, a better option than living with friends or random strangers especially when you have been apart from your bf for as long as you had and you finally get to be together everyday for 4 months.

I really don’t know if this decision to break up is final, but he has pretty much removed himself from anything having to do with her. They are still friends on Facebook and he hasn’t removed their pics off his Instagram yet. But he also had a pretty public relationship with her and if he took down the pics people would ask him what’s going on. So i assume that he just doesn’t wanna talk about it or deal with it. He hasn’t even told me yet they broke up. We are very close on text, Skype, etc. but on Instagram, he barely acknowledges me. If i comment on his pics he will like other people’s comments but not mine (mind you he does get a lot of comments and may not see mine). He won’t like my pics (we follow each other) and says “i didn’t see it” but will like other pics of friends he follows. I don’t want to base how he feels about me on social media interaction, but it does make me wonder if he does like me?

So I’m really confused because on one hand he used to flirt with me, talk dirty with me, ask for dirty pics while having a gf. But stopped after i said i wasn’t comfortable with him doing this while dating this other girl. Ever since then everything has been platonic. I just don’t know what to do. He does give me his time even when he is busy, he does go out of his way to do things for me, he does still talk to me even when he is stressed or fighting with his gf. He does show that he cares, i just don’t know how much and it’s only confusing because he once acted like he did like me. I just have no idea if it was because he did like me or because he was dealing with so much depression and anxiety from his tragedy that he took it out on me by mindlessly flirting with me and it meant nothing to him while it meant everything to me.

Oh also, keep in mind. We have never met in person yet. We were going to when he was in town a few months ago but both of us were super busy and he didn’t have a car to really get around even though i said i would go pick him up, but him dinner, anything just to hang out and meet this guy I’ve been talking to for over a year. So idk if those were excuses he made to avoid me or if he truly was busy the whole time, idk. And before you say it, no he isn’t catfishing me because we have Skyped and he has sent me videos and stuff so he is who he says he is. I know that he isn’t avoiding me because he catfished me. His friend suggested maybe he avoided me because he does like me and since at the time he was dating his gf, that he didn’t want things to happen between us. Even his own best friend of 20?years thought he might like me based on his behaviors. Then later came back and said no that he really loves his ex and that i should move on. But now they aren’t together anymore and it looks to be permanent unless something happens in February when she moves out there. So basically, i have December and January to really make moves to show him that i like him but i am super shy and insecure about this stuff and I’m scared if he knows it will ruin our friendship and I would rather salvage our friendship than never tell him how i feel. But at the same time, i watched him be with this girl for a year and a half while i had a huge crush on him and that was torture. I feel like i have an opportunity to go for it with him and be brave and tell him but at the same time I’m scared that when he finds out he will stop talking to me even though I’m like 80% sure he already knows how I feel because I’m not exactly the best at hiding my feelings. Everyone around us had a feeling i liked him including his best friend.

If ANYONE stuck through all of that tea, i first of all praise you because this took me an hour to write. So i cant imagine how long it took to read. So if you did read all of that, pleeeeeeeease help me! I don’t know what to do. I want the assurance of knowing he likes me. And most of the guys i have talked to about this say it sounds like he does like me to an extent but idk. He JUST broke up with gf of almost 3 years. So i don’t wanna jump in there right off the bat and be like well now that she’s gone here i am… i need to strategically figure out when the best time to tell him is and what i should do until then to really get him interested in me. Remember that we are long distance right now. I know this is a looooooooot, but i really really REALLY need help and time is limited.

[zelwin]

@peepstercrue23​ Accidentally sent me all the questions and then said to just answer the ones I wanted to, but I’m doing them all because I have nothing better to do.

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed? Depends, if the door slides open I don’t care, but if it swings open it has to stay closed.

(2) Do You Have Freckles? Sure do.

(3) Can You Whistle? Yes, I do it all the time.

(4) Last Song You Listened To. “Spring Cleaning” by Hi I’m Case

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour? Lime Green or Hot Pink

(6) Relationship Status. Taken, more or less.

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now? 45 degrees Fahrenheit

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky? Almost always, I just don’t sleep enough.

(9) How Many Followers? 226

(10) Zodiac Sign. Gemini

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour? The darkest brown.

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily? No, I should, but I don’t.

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower? If I’m home alone, yes.

(14) What Books Are You Reading? None at the moment, which is super sad.

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14. “Screw you, I’m driving as fast as this piece of shit will go.” - From ‘Hero’ by Perry Moore

(16) Favourite Anime? Log Horizon

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of? My sister, in her car.

(18) Do You Collect Anything? Do regrets count? 

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch? A bagel the size of my head.

(20) Do You Dance In The Car? All the time. :D

(21) Favourite Animal? Tigers and Turtles, equally.

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics? I used to, now I’m always working when they’re on.

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed? Bed by 10 or so, asleep by... 2-3am?

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now? Nope.

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean? Pool, I don’t like sand.

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog? caffeinewitchcraft

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water? Tap water in a bottled water bottle (refills forever.)

(28) What Makes You Happy? Rain, music, days off work, iced tea, naps, and David.

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now. Link

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? With, always.

(31) Dogs Or Cats? Cats

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be? Cerulean

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox. Play Station (But really the Switch.)

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean? Ocean, lakes smell funny.

(35) Do You Believe In Magic? Yes.

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing? Burgundy and gray stripes.

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue? Yes, but only once, can’t do tongue clovers.

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It? Spend it, I’m terrible.

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You? My pillowcase that I’m laying on, a couple of my pens, my hair brush...

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now? If people count, yes, David, if they don’t, no.

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly? No, but that’s okay, they’re free spirits and don’t deserve to be caught.

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People? Unfortunately, yes.

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams? Only every time I sleep.

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes? I don’t know, I’ve never been on one.

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry. A Monster Calls

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds? I eat peanuts more often, but Sunflower Seeds are much better.

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be? Kesha or Joywave

(48) Are You A Picky Eater? Not really.

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper? Incredibly, I can sleep through anything.

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning? Not at all, I’m the crazy person dancing outside during a thunderstorm.

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write? Both in varying amounts.

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud? No, I don’t care if it’s loud, so long as I can hear everything going on in it.

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? Wrap presents, it’s not as messy and I don’t feel I have to try as hard to be creative.

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up? ‘Coming Attractions’ by Chris Jobe

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather) Fall, kind of gloomy, it’s been raining/drizzling for a few hours now.

(56)What Are You Craving Right Now? Affection or blue cheese, not sure.

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed. [No thanks, it’s porn right now.]

(58) What Is Your Gender? Cisgendered Male

(59) Coffee Or Tea? Tea, every time.

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About? Nope.

(61) What Is Your Sexuality? Somewhere between Asexual and Rampant Homosexual.

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

(63) Favourite Pokemon? Squirtle, always has been.

(64) Favourite Social Media? . . . There’s something other than this hellsite?

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories? I don’t know her.

(66) Do You Get Homesick? I’ve never been away from home long enough.

(67) Are You A Virgin? Yes.

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now? Whole Blends “Honey Treasures”

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free? Rent a crappy motel room, it’s probably not sanitary, but I can’t sleep in a car overnight without waking up feeling like a glowstick.

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? Yes.

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? Thor: Ragnarok

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex? Depends on the Ex? Some yes, some no.

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now? “Contouring is for women who want to leech the souls of their dead lovers, and collect the inheritance of their ex-boyfriends who disappeared under mysterious circumstances.” - Sailor J

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? Hazel

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? Yes and no, respectively.

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate? Pecan Donut from Harris Teeter

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone? 1010, looking for more I’d enjoy though.

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not? Yes, because I’ve been trained to do it and anyone deserves to have their life saved.

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? Today? No. Ever? Absolutely.

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network? Accidentally, maybe.

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People? Not really.

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them. That would involve turning on a light, and I don’t want to do that, but it’s essentially this: Link

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed? Closed, mostly because I’m the last one awake and I don’t want people peeping at me while I’m still snoozing.

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today? Discovered Sailor J, tried to walk home from work (and made my sister mad at me by doing so), and answered all these questions.

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed? Pajamas? Todays are blue plaid bottoms and a burgundy and gray striped shirt (the one I mentioned a while ago)

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now. A few different nail polishes (various shades of green and blue), L’oreal quick blue hair bleach, and various hair dyes (Arctic Fox Virgin Pink and Sunset Orange and a box of L’oreal Feria Deep Burgundy)

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person? I’m filling this out at 2am. Night person.

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc. That’d be a long list, but right now I’m playing 1010 on my phone, Super Mario Odyssey on my Switch, and Final Fantasy 14 on my laptop.

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened. One time when I was I think in middle school I dreamed about these electric slime monsters that could travel through the power lines and wanted to eat people. I spent the entire dream finding the half-eaten bodies of my loved ones.

(90) Favourite Soda Drink? I can’t drink soda anymore (I voluntarily gave it up, and now if I try to drink it the carbonation murders me) but I *really* miss Coca Cola.

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite? Calm breathing, thunderstorms, heartbeats, and acoustic guitars.

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More? Pants are for cold people.

(93) How Do You Look Right Now? Tired and frumpy but comfortable.

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You. Talking to myself.

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want? More trees! I want my own forest!

(96) Favourite YouTuber? Corinne from Threadbanger