#i'd like to read it again AND actually annotate it

[moodyvamp]

how do I get over my fear of annotating books please

[asexualbookbird]

Ah, I read some books in 2024, huh? And eight rereads? Who am I. Tried a lot of new things this year which yay! Go me! Branching out! Not all of those were successes, but I did it and therefore no one can criticise me. But we all know what's important here. So here you go, THE BEST AND WORST OF 2024 (in no particular order)!

THE BEST BOOKS OF 2024

The Adventure of Amina al-Sirafi by Shannon Chakraborty - yes, I am still thinking about this, thank you for asking! A full entire adult of a person, a mother even, going on adventures? Fighting and killing and fucking and living? Hell yeah! More of this, please! I would also love to see a prequel of Amina's adventures before the book timeline. Everything about this was so great, I look forward to rereading it.

The City We Became by NK Jemisin - I was wary about this because it was so polarizing to readers. On one hand, even my least favorite Jemisin was still fun, on the other hand, I know nothing about New York. HOWEVER. The audiobook was FABULOUS. I wholeheartedly believe the audio is why I enjoyed this so much. This was FUN this is what reading should feel like all the time.

When the Angels Left the Old Country by Sacha Lamb -FRIEND TO MY SOUL. Again, beautiful audio performance. Beautiful story. I need my own copy so I can reread this to my hearts content. It's cute, it deals with heavy topics, it's gay, it's the friend to my soul.

WORST BOOKS OF 2024

The Novice by Taran Matharu - Ugh. Bought when released, knowing nothing, which seems to be a Theme with books sitting on my shelf I end up not enjoying. Learning about the history of this book made me more angry than the book itself. What do you mean his entire series was bought and published without an editor? It shows, but. Come on. Wattpad born and it shows.

Last Heir to Blackwood Library by Hester Fox- this was only for a summer reading bingo challenge, but come on. There are ways to pull the memory loss, or altered memory plot line and have it work. This did not do that. Wish a library would eat my memories of this book so I never had to think of it again.

Red Sister by Mark Lawrence - Mark Lawrence is one of those authors who writes long books because he thinks it makes him a Good Writer. Mark Lawrence is one of those writers who is afraid to write adult characters because he thinks they won't sell, but continuously puts them in adult situations to show how Hard their lives are and Isn't This Dark And Gritty And Sad without doing the work to actually get there. It toes the line between fantasy in scifi, but not well. It feels more indecisive than anything else.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Firebreak by Nicole Kornher-Stace -more like fireBROKE MY HEART!!!! It was on my tbr list for years, and I finally found a copy and I'm glad I own it so I can reread it at my leisure. It's what Ready Player One could have been if it was actually good.

Godkiller by Hannah Kaner - Okay honestly, this and City were fighting for a spot in the main top three. Either could be there. I do honorable mentions for this very reason. I was surprised to learn this was a tiktok book, because yknow. It's actually Good. Witcher vibes, but with more respect towards women. Why isn't book three in my possession right this second.

Someone You Can Build A Nest In by John Wiswell - I Am Normal About This Book. It was fun to read and annotate it for a friend. It was fun to be around as two friends read it and I loved seeing their reactions to it. Loved cheering on Shesheshen, still think she deserves to eat more people. Friends and I will still share biting goop memes with the caption "Shex3 posting". It's safe to say this has rewritten my brain.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

Legacy of Ash by Matthew Ward - I was hyped about this book before release. I bought book two before even reading this because I was that sure I'd enjoy it. What a fool. This did NOT have to be 800 pages. It was another example of someone writing many words because they think that's what Good Writers Do, and not stopping to think about what those words even SAY. Which, in this case, was ~Absolutely Nothing~

Ghost Station by SA Barnes - crying sobbing this book was so fucking stupid. Best thing to come out of it was seeing a friend read it and confirming that yes, it was That Fucking Stupid. Learning the author mainly writes YA Paranormal explained why everyone had Too Stupid To Live disease.

I'm Afraid You've Got Dragons by Peter S Beagle - Admittedly only here to make things even and because it's still pretty fresh in my mind. I was soooo excited when this was announced, and now I'm soooo happy I didn't preorder it. More boring than anything else, but I don't wish it was longer because it already felt Too Long.

Once again, ignored rereads because I feel like that's cheating somehow. Let these be for highlighting new and fun books I discovered! I feel like the last few Bricks I've read have been Very Bad so I hope a couple of the bricks I have planned for 2025 are actually good. Considering one of those is Labyrinth's Heart, I think we're okay.

[theoreticaltranstherian]

Jumping on the bandwagon woo-hoo

no spam reblog or spam comment ;P

For every 100 reblogs I'll drink another bottle of water

Update: Ive drank almost 2 whole water bottles in the last 3 days which isn't much proportionally but for one, I'd probably not even drink one if it wasn't for the internet critters in my phone telling me to and also, yk, thats alot of water compared to my last few weeks getting all my fluids from food

10 reblogs: Go to bed before midnight tonight

50 reblogs: I'll make my bed in the mornings for a week

Update: I found out that my bed being made kinda stresses me out for some reason, it's just so neat I get scared, and so instead I am putting away 3 pieces of clothing that have been clean for months and i just haven't touched every morning :D

75 reblogs: I'll work on getting accommodations for my autism at school

Update: I don't have the required "proof of diagnosis" and I'd have to wait 2 years or so to get it and I won't be in school anymore at that point, so I'm working with my counselors to see what they can do aside from official autism accommodations

125 reblogs: I'll work in upping my failing grade in math

Update: Math test retake on the 12tg, wish me luck!

150 reblogs: I'll work on my dopamine addiction and get help

Update: Hooooooly shit addictions are hard. I'm going to start a timer for time between uses of YouTube shorts or Instagram reels in an effort to reduce my need for instant gratification and try to replace every time I pick my phone up with drawing or reading or talking to people around me.

200 reblogs: I'll post my art that I've been self conscious about posting

Update: I am really happy for this, it's finally an excuse for me to make myself post my art :D it's probably gonna be 1-2 drawings per post with a little background with each :3

300k reblogs: I'll start cleaning up my room

400k reblogs: I'll clean out my bag (God pls don't get to 400 yall T T)

500: I'll get sharp objects out of my room

1k reblogs: I'll be really happy :0

Edit; Added more goals

2k reblogs: I'll start streaming on twitch again!!!

3k reblogs: I'll empty out my drafts

5k: I come out as trans to my parents (I don't know if they're transphobic so to speak, but they are of the mindset that "do whatever you want once you're out of our house but until then you are our kid" but I wanna be like um no actually-)

5.5k: I come out as trans to my non-transphobic grandma

6k: I come out as trans to my transphobic grandma

Edit 2; Yo same picture of the earth reblogged me?!? the picverse found this?!?! that's insane xd

Edit 4; I added some coming out goals because I'm not gonna do it if I don't have the pressure from hundreds of little things in my phone cheering me on xd

Pinging moots so there's at least a small chance of any of these happening xd

@calimewzz @annotated-catastrophe @glitched-out-dusk @life-is-okay-rn

[soclearlytosee]

Stranger Things, Peter Pan, Mothers, and Wendys

Some Peter Pan artifact, I'd guess a Disney movie tie-in book, hanging out in Holly's room

I recently watched The Lost Boys and read Peter Pan (really Peter and Wendy in The Annotated Peter Pan but what version of the story is "the original" is infamously convoluted). 

The Lost Boys was a viewing experience that made me feel like I understood the Duffers’ whole deal in a completely new way - like watching Election finally made me understand what Ryan Murphy has actually been trying to do all this time. I know we’re always like Spielberg, King, Carpenter, etc but how much of this movie is in ST’s DNA is pretty wild, there even is a “barricading the house against a supernatural threat with everyday items as makeshift weapons" montage with a synth score. Joel Schumacher we gotta start giving you your proper due in this conversation, we do simply owe gay ppl everything (also as with any worthwhile ST reference to pull at @/threemanoperation has already been on this beat)

Anyways, The Lost Boys is a spiritual Peter Pan adaptation and one big current that shows up from its source text is a real preoccupation with the mother.

These aren’t the only ST reference texts with a lot of mom stuff going on. We’re getting probably the icon of genre movie motherhood herself with Linda Hamilton joining the show in s5, and pregnancy body horror is like the entire thing in extremely obvious ST creature design touchpoint Alien.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Linda Hamilton seems to be playing a female counterpoint to Brenner/Papa, so all signs point to them intentionally invoking that reference at least.

Joyce is our purest Spielberg mom: the harried single parent, doing her best, a bit eccentric. She’s taken a backseat in recent seasons, but a new maybe-Mama taking on Papa's mantle as s5’s primary human antagonist points to Joyce taking more of a lead again. 

Joyce seeming to spend a substantial chunk of s5 separated from Hopper gives me hope, as does her seeming to be the most connected with Henry of our ST-adult-cast-as-teens in The First Shadow. We heard Victor’s story last season, so turning to Virginia’s role in the tragedy of Henry might be another narrative element that pulls Joyce out as a foil.

One of our other established moms, Karen, also looks to be getting an expanded role in s5. If Holly is indeed taken by the military, she should join Joyce to take on Linda Hamilton (are we ever going to learn her character name good lord). 

If Joyce and Karen are our Mrs. Darlings, then we have the Wendy-coded among us: "mothergate" creator El, and Alienesque body horror victim/slug incubator Will.

Like Wendy, El and Will both have their own personal playhouses even within the broader kid kingdoms of Neverland, Mike’s basement, and the woods.

And, of course, once Wendy leaves Neverland and grows up, she has a daughter named Jane who eventually journeys to Neverland with Peter herself.

Wendy’s primary “power” in Peter Pan is storytelling, which lives with mothers in the book/play in a very fairy tale logic sort of way. Peter is initially attracted to the Darlings’ nursery window by Mrs. Darling’s bedtime stories. And that's the reason he is convinced to bring Wendy to Neverland (she "tempts him" with stories).

This actually convinces Peter to bring Wendy to Neverland even if he isn't so hot on the idea of mothers himself. "The Boy Who Hated Mothers" was a working title for Peter Pan the play.

There is an interesting relationship between storytelling and time in Peter Pan that probably deserves more exploration, maybe a topic for a later post. The residents of Neverland exist out of time, which means they can’t conceptualize beginnings or endings - and that's why they can’t tell stories and Wendy's ability to do so has such allure.

in Neverland, time has literally been killed

I still haven’t totally made sense of what this implies for our Neverlandesque-frozen-in-time Upside Down and El and friends’ preoccupation with stories in s5. But it feels significant in the final act of our coming-of-age story, especially considering why the Upside Down is stuck on November 6, 1986 is allegedly a driving mystery of what's to come, according to the Duffers.

[kidspawn]

AFTG - The Sunshine Court (Reaction Notes)

Alright. Been a minute. Jean met Jeremy, Cat, and Laila, and toured his new little home. More Jeremy in general. I'm starting to like this Jeremy kid, tbh. Some quieter, slice of life moments with intense trauma dumping/lore drop. Shoutout to Jeremy Knox for being a reclusive and tight-lipped little guy, because something is up with him. Push and pull and healing aches with Jean. Language kink! And the beginning of my love story with Cat because lord hold me I think I'm in love. The more we learn about the Ravens the harder this gets to read, and the more impressed I grow with the improvement in writing.

(Once again: this is more in the style of annotations I'd put in my book margins/stream of conscious thoughts than an in-depth analysis!)

CHAPTER SEVEN

- "Men like Wymack shouldn't exist" SAY IT LOUDER FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK: WYMACK IS THE BEST OF US. Could go on and on about Wymack being one of the only legitimately good people in the series.

- "tousled caramel brown" be for fucking real 😭😭😭

- YOYO IN HIS WIRED EARBUDS HAHAHAHAHA

- "it didn't matter that Jeremy Knox was annoyingly easy to look at" SHU-

- I find the fact that Jeremy is the opposite of what Jean has learned a captain should be to be fascinating. It's a direct opposition to the type of captain he's been conditioned to expect.

- THEY DONT CHOOSE THEIR MAJOR!?!?

- Oh i could go on and on. "school as a means to an end" breaks my heart. I mean, obviously don't force people to go and do school if they don't want to but if they are like you should enjoy it at least a LITTLE BIT!?!?

- History nerd Kevin Day will, however, do me in everytime. I think it's one of the earliest signs we've been told of involving Kevin really sticking his neck out and advocating for something he wanted?

- Once again that restriction of identity the Ravens engage in - same majors, same classes, same goals. Limiting individuality and indoctrinating players into the team's fabric.

- I do appreciate how fiercely protective of Kevin Jean is.

- "Want to teach me any?" OH!?!?!?

- OH SHIT NVM OK WE GOT TRAUMA CONGA

- Oh and I love Cat. She's got that organized chaos vibe I really work well with

- Jean lasting about five minutes before having a meltdown. I mean, I hate to jest here but... bestie. Let her finish the tour

- "he wanted to break his fingers" you know this is interesting. i didn't know how prominent this would be, but Jean's first instinct being to hurt himself or others during periods of heightened emotion is a strikingly realistic response imo?

- I also appreciate seeing Jeremy be relatively assertive, but it's noted to be in a kind way. I better not see someone painting him as a pushover he's noted out the bat to dig his heels in and only yield as much ground as he is able without disturbing the team

- Which really leads me to consider that Jeremy has a very different approach to protecting his team vs protecting himself

- THEY'RE EXY PARTNERS YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

- "You strike me as an only child" 😭😭😭

- Cat really went, "ah you are my nut to crack alright stray cat you're getting bag treats and water until you cuddle me"

- "You're not telling me that's everything you own? What the fuck?" HAHAHAHA Oh Cat omfg I adore you i love you she says the quiet part out loud I am in love with you Catalina

- "I'm not dealing with this again. Buy some fucking clothes - W" HAHAHAHFWJFJEJDJSJS Something something Wymack's fifth rodeo.

- "His opinion came second" I'm genuinely excited to see Jean actually voicing whatever *he* wants, not what the Ravens or the Foxes or even Trojans told him to do. Like, if we get to a point where Jean can voice what he's actually wanting out of these moments and interactions.

CHAPTER EIGHT

- ugh wait I know I KNOW little Jeremy moment yes but can we just "Kevin had gone from Riko's side to Andrew's, and in the first year he had never put more than a campus between him and the short goalkeeper." idk that makes me feel a little emo yall.

- "Jean was exactly the kind of guy Jeremy would trip himself up over" STAWWWWWP Cat CALL HIS ASS OUT.

- "'Its not fair to either of us if I look" <- first i stress that he says "us" because the implication here is not JUST that Jean is the bad idea but Cat is definitely implying Jeremy is not in the best headspace for this either. Or Jeremy is implying it and they both know what he means.

- SAFETY FIRST HAHAHAHAHA

- ugh yes shifting POV because calling his hair uneven when we've been in Jean's head and we know this IS something he's a little sore over so of course he has that reaction

- his bitchiness is so so jarring from an outside POV but LORD is it compelling to switch between the two

- "What purpose does this serve?" "It makes us happy"

- GET JEREMY A DOG FUCKING NOW!?!?! (i know they get a dog but GET HIM A DOG RIGHT FUCKING NOW??)

- Im sorry

- His

- The first like "nice" thing Jean says ("nice" it's a fact to him) is to Laila, that she's good. An that the Trojans will win? STOP!?!?!?

- yeah keep his ass away from the press he just said he wants them to burn

- actually get him and neil the mic right now

- HAND THEM THE MIC!!!!

- in regards to the obvious trigger warning I was relatively nervous about going into:

- athlete dietary regiments are the fucking worst and I could go on and on about how my swim coaches personally contributed to my ED but maybe it's too soon but one comment sent me down a ten year spiral and I can't use my knees the same so you can see why I'm nervous for Jean

- over exercising and limited dietary intake results in some of the most disdainful medical circumstances

- I am not surprised the autonomy stripped from the Ravens trickles all the way to what they put in their bodies and I am equally not surprised Jean has an eating disorder (because like that's what it is) and I really hope this is given the time it needs to

- it can be easy to really fuck up this kind of plot line if you don't handle it well?

- the disparity in resources between the foxes and the trojans is so interesting

- 29 instead of 30 because of a fresh start AHHHHHH

- "Loving something is not enough" "When did you last enjoy playing" Fuccccccck

- I went off on a tangent in my head and forgot to annotate anything but I do want to add: noting Jean's little victories, the use of red and black as opposed to just his appointed clothing. He picked the shirt. He may have needed a second opinion, but he picked the shirt. Maybe it wasn't the bright colour recommended, but he picked the shirt. He held it tight as they left. It is such a little but poignant victory after the chapter we've had.

CHAPTER NINE

- OK SO

- I appreciate when, in-text or on-screen, characters will call others out for cutting off or omitting information. underrated detail, imo, but appreciated all the same!

- did i mention i love Cat

- I think I'm in love with Cat

- I also appreciate the "we will met you halfway as we are able" mentality

- that paired along with a "hey we are going to point out something is fucked up" I really just

- yeah I really fucking like that

- "I am Jean Moreau. I have always gotten exactly what I deserve" fucckkkkk

- his whole "drop the wholesome act" thing is curious because he's convinced all the Trojans are just pretending not to be monsters. Fascinating. Fascinating.

- I think Jean's statement, "I am going to be a problem" just... hurts. The fatigue in that statement. Fuck.

- HE PUT THE DOG IN JEAN'S ROOM? JEREMY YOU FUCKING SWEETHEART!?@?

- WAIT THIS MADE ME SO SOFT?

- JEAN WENT AND CLEANED UP AND SHOWCASED A KIND GESTURE AND JEREMY *RECIPROCATED WITH A KIND GESTURE* OHHH THE SLOW BURN IS SLOWBURNING

- hey Jeremy can you maybe uhhhh.... clue me in on what's going on bud. can you uhhh let me into your head. baby boy? darling? tell me what that's about? please? *cocks gun*

- HEY JEREMY CAN YOU STOP BEING VAGUE AS FUCK ABOUT WHATS GOING ON AT HOME!?!?@?

- oh PLEASE tell me we have frosted tips Jeremy i NEED that in my life wtf

- Jean having a little romcom moment over Jeremy's hair is so cute shut upppp

- THIS ISNT SLOWBURN THIS IS- *BONK BONK* JEREMY TO HORNY JAIL N O W

- "voulez-vous coucher avec moi" HAHAHAHAHA

- GIMME STRAY DOG AND DOG MOTIFS AHHH BARK BARK WOOF WOOF BARK BARK BARK-

- ah remember what I said about balancing pushing vs not i think mayyybe we chill with the pushing rn <3

- Jean. Baby boy. Personal space, darling. Personal space PLEASE.

Previous Chapters

1-5 6

[the---hermit]

April 2025 reading wrap up

The two main themes of this last month of reading were audiobooks (again), and the hunger games. Believe it or not I had never read the original trilogy. I was a teen in the hight of success of the books, I remember everyone around me reading them, but I was not a big reader back in the day. I actually didn't love reading at all. I was only reading graphic novel, and that's it. I think it's more or less in that period of time I started to very very slowly get into reading in my free time, but they journey was long and slow. In the past couple of years I had the idea of actually reading the hunger games trilogy, since I have fallen in love with the dystopic genre, and many have started to consider these books modern classics. The main thing that held me back is the fact that they are ya, and from experience I always struggle with books classified as ya. Then some beloved friends finally conviced me to give them a try and during the past month I listened to the audiobooks, fell in love with them, bought physical copies and then also read the two prequels, and loved them even more. So much so that I am already looking forward to rereading all five books to heavily annotate them like all of my beloved dystopic novels. I am still thinking about them, and I think I will be for a while.

Books I finished:

Emily Wilde's Map Of Otherlands by Heather Fawcett (I had a great time with the second book in the series, I feel like this was a great sequel to the first book, but I am sadly not having a good time with the thrid and final book of the series)

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

Re:Carmilla (I have read the original novella a few times and always loved it, but this audio adaptation was so good. I listened to it as it was coming out, but I plan on relistening to it in the future with no pauses between the various chapters. The performances of the VAs was incredible, they gave so much life to a story I already loved, and I know it's kind of unrelated but this hyped me so much for my yearly reread of Dracula following the Re:Dracula adaptation)

The Handmaid's Tale - graphic novel adaptation

The Ballad Of Songbirds And Snakes by Suzanne Collins

Sunrise On The Reaping by Suzanne Collins

Books I am currently reading:

Emily Wilde's Compendium Of Lost Tales by Heather Fawcett (ngl this book is holding me back a little bit I am super stuck with it, I kinda want to dnf it, but at the same time I'd like to finish the trilogy, so I have no idea what to do. I read a little of 100 pages and nothing has happened, and I just do not reach for it?)

The Secret Life of Trees - graphic novel adaptation (I am now realizing that one of the themes of my year of reading so far has been graphic novel adaptation of books, and I am having a great time with them)

Magellano: Il Primo Viaggio Intorno Al Mondo by David Salomoni (this is the book I am studying for one of my exams and so far it's really interesting and well written, I have high hopes for this one)

[callahanisms]

burnt out passions

because i watched the red shoes and this idea just popped into my head.

tashi duncan they can never make me hate you. i am a tashi duncan defender until i die. (sorry art)

character: tashi duncan

context: stanford. 2007 - 2008.

you and tashi understood one thing: passion was everything.

your lives revolved around your passions. for her, it was the sport of tennis. and for you, it was the dance of ballet.

your step-father was quite rich, bringing you and your parental figure out of poverty. it was through him that you started going to tennis matches. and you were a fan of tashi duncan.

she was meant to be a star. she was meant to go far. she was meant to have that grand slam career title that most, if not all, tennis players envied.

you always admired her from afar. but when you walked into class on your first day of class in your freshman year, you were not expecting to see tashi duncan.

the class was your typical writing 101 class, the kind that was meant to prepare students on research and how to write. within the class were workshops. after all, part of making a good essay was to proofread and have everything peer reviewed.

"you have a great voice."

your paper was dumped in front of you. there were barely any corrections on it. just a lot of underlining and side notes. looking up, you saw the woman that was tashi duncan.

"thanks." you hand her paper over to her.

tashi flips through it. she sees a lot of doodles on her paper that express your annotations through speech and thought bubbles.

"i also thought your voice was great. your passion for tennis really comes through. although i think having seen you play enhanced the reading experience."

"so...you've seen me play?" she crosses her arms over her chest.

"my step-father loves tennis."

"fun. i learned some new things in your paper. you really like ballet?"

"ideally i'd like to be professional. but who knows how stable that is." in comparison to being a famous tennis player. "which is why i'm here. to get a degree in...something."

tashi glances down. you're wearing red shoes. "so...do you wear red because of the movie you mentioned?"

"maybe. it's been a thing since i was a kid."

a small smile begins to curl on her face. "you wanna get lunch?"

"so you do ballet? do your feet ever hurt?"

"all the time." your feet hurt just thinking about dancing again. "i can't imagine my life without ballet."

"i can relate to that." she lifts her cup up and you gently tap your own against hers.

"you should come to the show. we're having one near the end of the semester."

"so soon? we just got here."

"i need to train. keep my muscles flexible and ready."

"you should try tennis. you might actually be really good at it." ballet took a ton of control and coordination. tennis would be a perfect sport for you. or, at least, a decent fit.

"i tried. i'm terrible at hitting balls with a racket."

"who said you had to be good?"

"i would like to think that if i'm playing with tashi duncan...at least i should be mediocre."

you became one of tashi's favorite people to hang out with. and you were also her favorite gym partner. your schedules just lined up perfectly.

every time you guys went to work out, you would lead the stretches beforehand.

sometimes, you guys would visit the dance studio and you would teach her some basic moves. when your finger tips grazed her arm, she would shudder. you were careful when touching her and asked her all the time if you could hold her waist.

"you don't need to ask (y/n)! we're friends." tashi has that soft look in her eyes. she always looked at you with those eyes.

"still!" you say. "don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"you won't! you could never."

you took a deep breath when she said that, trying to ignore the heat beginning to swirl in your body. your body so close to hers. her smile. her smooth skin. her voice. and her smelled.

she always smelled divine.

tashi never knew ballet could be so intense.

she came with art to the show, holding a bouquet of flowers. you had been working hard and she wanted to make sure your efforts were acknowledged and received by her.

you moved with such precision and fluidity. she swore you turned into a blur.

your body was nimble. and that outfit...well, she could see your body. she had a boyfriend. but you were right there and a lot more present than patrick, who was currently on tour.

she has to push the thoughts aside, not noticing the fact that art sees the way she looks at you.

"you were fucking amazing!"

you were surprised when you feel just how hard she hugs you. she squeezes almost a little too tight.

and yet, you accept it. you lean into it and savor her touch.

"thanks for coming tashi. i saw you in the crowd."

finally, tashi lets you go. she takes the flowers from art. you could feel your face heat up. "t-tashi...you didn't have to."

"nonsense!" she playfully hits your arm. "you worked hard. remember that breakdown you had?" a small laugh leaves you when thinking about it.

it happened at the dance studio in the gym. you guys were stretching and all the emotions from midterms, finals projects, and your upcoming lead role came crashing down.

"you deserve it. you were amazing. if you're not hired when you get out of college..." she shakes her head. but she cannot stop grinning.

you bought flowers for tashi. it was the first game of the season. her and art have been training for this. and you were excited to see her play not as a spectator, but as her friend!

earlier during the week, you had convened with art to try to pick out which bought to get her and exactly how big.

when you got there though, it was just art. you were expecting to see another white boy. and you sit on art's right. "so...what happened to patrick?"

you wanted to see for yourself who tashi duncan's boyfriend was. who exactly managed to bag tashi duncan? you wanted to meet him. not that you were jealous...

but you were.

art leans back in the seat. "he's not coming. him and tashi had a fight."

you frown and continue holding the flowers. "...he sounds like an ass."

"tell me about it."

when tashi tore her acl on the court, you swore you could feel the pain in your own leg. a sort of phantom feeling.

you were frozen, trying to determine if what you saw truly happened.

art was quicker than you, rushing down and even jumping over the net.

you're walking to the infirmary room when you can hear the argument.

"out! out!"

"listen-" says the guy with messy dark hair. he looks disheveled. and like shit.

"patrick get the fuck out of here!"

you've never heard art yell. ever. he never even raised his voice.

patrick seems defeated and he abides by them, leaving. his eyes meet yours. "nice flowers." he notices the card attached to a string.

For the best tennis player I know: TASHI ♡

"have fun. now's your chance too. but you should know. art's restless."

you clench your jaw and walk past him. art was right. he was an ass.

tashi glances at the door when your head pops in. she doesn't say anything, but her shoulders slouch a little bit. you take it as a sign to come in and walk over to her side.

she looks at the flowers and at the card attached to the string. "i don't deserve those."

"if anyone deserves flowers...it's you." you could feel your eyes tearing up. you feel her pain. you understand her frustration. and most importantly, you feel her devastation.

tashi takes the flowers from your hands, her fingers touching your own. she takes a deep breath and inhales their scent. it was nice. you chose a good bouquet.

little did you know that it was the death of her career. and you had brought flowers to her funeral.

your next role was a challenging one. it had you straining your legs every day while you trained, trying to get your tempo right. nothing seemed to work though.

the stress of midterms also didn't help. you had a lot of work on your plate. many papers, almost too many exams. you didn't sleep much. you couldn't sleep.

tashi felt some guilt towards you helping her. you were taking time out of your own day to get her back into shape.

you were her cheerleader. you believed that she could heal and return to the court. you helped her with her exercises, woke up early to go to her room and help her stretch.

her frustration continued to boil over when she couldn't do the things she wanted to do.

not only was she a failure, but she was also letting you down.

"are you disappointed in me?"

you look at her as you stretch her leg for her. it was bent beneath you and you're careful when adding the pressure. she's staring up at the ceiling.

it was still dark outside.

"i could never be disappointed in you."

"don't bullshit me (y/n)."

"i mean it tashi. i could never be disappointed in you." she looks at you. there are tears threatening to spill.

"...i'm afraid my only skill is hitting a ball with a racket." and that without it, she was nothing. you didn't need her to voice it. you could see it in her eyes, in her posture, in her demeanor.

"no. it is not. you're tashi motherfucking duncan. you're smart, you're gorgeous, and you're ambitious. you can write! you're great at organizing! you give awesome advice! and most importantly, you get shit done. if anything tries to stop you, you find a way around it. and you see to it that you have a way to participate."

her heart skips a beat.

"you're kissing my ass." a smile cracks on her face.

you wanted to tell her that you loved her. it threatened to spill from your tongue.

"i would love to."

tashi laughs, covering her face with her hands. she takes the opportunity to wipe away her tears as you pull her leg back into a resting position.

"today's dress rehearsal, right?" she sits up as you stand and grab some of the bottles of gatorade you put in her fridge to keep cold.

"yeah. you don't have to come if you're not up for it."

tashi gently rubs her knee before looking up at you. "i could use the time to rest."

"is art coming?"

tashi purses her lips. "art and i...aren't really talking anymore..."

you frown. "i'm sorry to hear that." you decide not to ask or push it. but part of you felt elated that he was gone. it always felt like a crowd with you and tashi. and art.

while working out and practicing earlier, you decided to ignore the throbbing pain in your hip. when tashi asks if you want to come with her for a break, you tell her that you wanted to keep training. you were close to nailing it.

you were perhaps overconfident when it came time to dress rehearsal.

at the climax of the shower, the music surging, your heart beating, your costume flaring out, you hear a loud pop. and when you land, you hear another pop.

it seemed that fate decided to fuck with you that night.

the pain in your right side was nearly unbearable.

tashi recognized that cry of pain. she heard it when she went to bed, when she reflected upon her life at night. she rises out of her seat, getting over to the stage as fast as possible.

you overexerted yourself, tearing your achilles and your labrum. at the very least, it would take you out of your role currently. at the worst, it would inhibit your movements for the rest of your life.

tashi was with you the whole time. you could only stare blankly at the x-rays.

without knowing, you're leaning towards her. until your head is against her body. she puts an arm around you, keeping you close in silent understanding.

you heard a knock at your door. ever since your injury, you had barely come out of your room, only for class and to eat to spend your dining dollars.

you groan, sitting up and carefully getting off the bed. you use your crutches and open the door. "tashi...it's late..."

tashi holds a bag of snacks and drinks. "you look like shit."

"that's because i feel like shit."

you guys were kind of matching. her in her brace and you in your splint.

you move aside to let her in and she closes the door for you. "i bought all your favorites." she says, putting the drinks into the fridge to keep them cold. she sets the bag of snacks down on your desk.

tashi watches you go back to your bed and set your crutches aside. you try your best to get onto the bed using your upper body strength, but your arms were failing you.

she walks over and gently lifts you up at your thighs while you push yourself up with your arms. it works, and you're able to sit on the mattress topped by a mattress topper.

"can't even...get on my fucking bed!" you grit your teeth. and you didn't have the strength to adjust the height of your bed either.

tashi frowns. "there's no shame in needing help." you showed her that.

"i know. i just..." you lick your lips, looking at her. "i wish i took that break. i wouldn't be in this position if i did." you sniffle.

tashi's eyes glance down at your lips before going back up. "i spend too much time worrying about the what ifs."

"i shouldn't. it's...stupid."

there's a comfortable silence between the two of you. you look at tashi. the way her hair frames her face. her big brown eyes. her lips that you desperately wanted to taste. she was still gorgeous even dressed down in her stanford sweater and athletic shorts.

she leans forward, her kiss soft and gentle.

your hand goes to rest on her neck, kissing her back.

tashi kisses you harder, her mouth moving in hungry motions. you match her pace, kissing her with just as much hunger.

you let her push you down onto the mattress so she could be on top. her hands begin to trail down your body, finding the end of your sweater. she slides her hand beneath, feeling your cool skin.

you pull away, your breathing heavy. "are you sure?" you didn't understand why tashi duncan would want to kiss you of all people. even if you wanted to kiss her.

"i'm sure." she kisses you again and you moan against her lips, letting her tongue slide past your lips and dance with your tongue.

[semthescientist]

so this is a part two to my lil entry and here i merely wanna talk about what actually clicked for me and how everything has changed since then. part one is right here (:

as i said before, it was until september of 2023 when i was on around the fifth or fourth day of my cruise did things begin to dawn on me. if you're familiar with 4d-barbie, (i believe her name is Ada), she has a google drive filled with book resources and some of them are already annotated (which came in clutch). well, actually before the cruise i had began reading the book One Truth, One Law: I Am, I Create by Erin Werley and i resonated with things so heavily. i kept reading bits and pieces of the book but also was determined to be present and just enjoy my cruise. as i read, i became so interested in the way Erin would have full blown conversations with I AM. especially the part where Erin told her husband and then was afraid if he'd judge her but I AM simply told her to relax and let it do the talking--and that's what happened!

so i'm sitting there and i'm like "yo! how cool is this!" and of course, it's explained how to do this yourself--how to really tune in and trust your own wonderful intuition. i wanted to do it because i didn't want to reread Erin's(I AM) answers to questions to form my own answers. i had my own specific questions and no one else could answer them for me besides me. so i put the book down and i asked my own question and trusted that the answer would come to me whenever; even if he didn't come now, it was bound to.

and i had fear...i feared if it would actually happen or not. sometimes i'd be tempted to look things up or keep rereading every answer given by I AM in Erin's book. i would kind of just do self-talk when that happened, i don't know how i got through that to be honest. i can't seem to remember. but what i do remember is the little deposits that would drop into my head randomly. i was lathering up in the shower and was like, "why would i hate my persona?" [persona, ego, Vanessa--all the same, i just like the word persona better!] and i kept going with that line of thinking, asking myself a series of questions like: wait...why do i think there's something wrong with her?

isn't the persona how i'd experience a multitude of things? things that don't necessarily exist to I AM?

and i realized i was onto something because i felt so expanded. like my heart began filling up...my chest began fluttering. i know you've felt that feeling before and that feeling always comes when you're listening to yourSelf. there wasn't much else i did after i realized this because a new way of thinking just took over me. i had so much love for everything...i mean literally everything. i started to question everything i read from others.

again, something a lot of realized masters would say is "you suffer because you think you are this body" and while that's true...it just didn't feel right in my soul. none of it felt right--at least not something to remember all of the time. i didn't feel like it had any sort of longevity and the only reason i felt that way was because it didn't feel loving enough. i really wanted to know what was so bad about taking this persona into consideration...what was so wrong about loving her and holding her hand? why did i have to become aware of what she was thinking/feeling and suddenly say "oh but that isn't Me! let her cry and whine, she isn't Me."

i go into depth about this here. it's just a diary entry so the beginning i had a different outlook on my persona than i do now, hence the different header titles.

the bottom line is i had no reason nor right to hate my persona. after all, she found Me again--she found her True Self so that has to count for something. i simply started to look at the world differently and realized that it was never about fighting anything. we all know there is no "out there" and all there is is consciousness but how many have you actually put that to the test? have you stopped fighting shadows? fighting the seeming opposite circumstances? if you know there's only the will of God (which is you), why do you keep fighting everything else? have you stopped fighting your persona's fear, Vanessa's doubts--belittling her because she can't believe in herself...not yet at least?

i quickly gathered that if i love Myself, then i would have to trust Myself. i know someone probably has the fear of going "out there" and falling asleep again--losing faith or going back to believing in the world. but that could never happen. why? because of trust. You have to trust yourSelf enough to know only your will is imposed. and what builds trust? action.

personally speaking, there was a circumstance that i'd been ignoring for the longest in the name of manifestation. but lately, i've realized that whatever can happen "out there" and not only do i not have to form an opinion on it but i can watch how it crumbles when i stand ten toes down in trusting myself. i can trust Myself so much to stand tall in what i prefer and watch as Self carries me up and over the seemingly opposed...and then i glance back and they were nothing but cardboard cutouts. like that scene in coraline where she walked away and the world started crumbling--'twas only because it never existed too.

i don't fight anymore because i know My will is only ever imposed. i know that when something dares to throw a punch, it won't connect because it has already disintegrated. and most of all, i know that i can care about whatever the hell i want. hey, if you don't care about being a realized master than cool--find something that makes your heart sing and you can't help but burst from the seams when you think of it. for me, it was shifting. (do not come for me about the terminology, human mode rn so i gotta put a label). i found that shit to be so cool and to be honest, it's helped me discover my sexuality too which is a bonus. but none of this could've ever happened if i didn't start operating out of love for my persona.

just think of it, everything you desperately want you'd need a persona to experience anyway. you can take this and make some shit shake, and really define what you want or no labels at all. you can fully be I AM and have zero needs or you can be I AM with a persona, or you can just be a persona! there's people who look to an outside god but their god is rooted in so much love!

like you know a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for and only if you'd be so determined to listen to yourSelf the way you've listened to others, then shit would really start clicking. everything is perfect in its likeness and it is because I AM is all-encompassing that everything is possible--even the things we think are "bad". i promise, every question you'd ever have there's an answer for it and it's within you. you can find what matters most to you--you'll know. it's a feeling of pure confidence that cannot be described, you'll move without thinking and take chances and do whatever else and it'll feel like you're under a trance. That is You. there is no other...fall in love with Yourself and your human form too because it's nothing but a vehicle to bring you back to Self. your persona's fears and doubts are nothing but an opportunity to rely on Yourself...to trust Yourself and i speak of the infinite You.

lol i'm sorry if this seems all over the place, i was just saying what was heavy on my heart. i've been feeling a lot of love for everything lately and i want somebody else to feel that too. i know this will reach the person who's looking for it. so because of that: hi hi! you've done well, my love.

also, one last thing. there were a couple of people who helped me come to this realization and i wanted to say thank you! heavenlythea here on tumblr, iam_love.co on instagram, and Betinho Massaro for his book Super Accelerated Living (dude's mad funny, like i legit would smile reading it) oh and Ada! she came in clutch with the resources and annotating! and really everyone else for simply existing. know that you are perfect because you exist and the only reason you can't shake Self is because You (the real you) knows you'll be just fine.

love you all!

[court-jesterr]

If Not Him, Perhaps Me

Let me just say... I hate moving. The whole process has been something else (derogatory). I've not gotten to all of my requests either because of that. I've been in limbo with this moving process for the last four months, but I've finally secured a place and will be moving soon! Anyway, I was able to finish (finally) this chapter! I hope you guys enjoy it! ______________________________________________

Chapter 1 , Chapter 2 , Chapter 3 , Chapter 4

Pairing- Thrawn x f!reader x Luke Skywalker

Summary- Life on the Chimera actually...improves a lot. You're surprised by the hospitality shown to you and your relationship with Thrawn starts to change? Hearing from Luke also helps since it's been so long...

Word Count- 3.6K

Warnings- Mentions of kidnapping, confrontation, pining, kissing, nothing major

It'd been weeks since you'd seen Thrawn last, from what you counted, at least. Your idea of time had gotten a little better after being moved into a comfortable room with the ability to govern yourself. There had been a time or two during those weeks that you'd left your room to see if you could visit Thrawn, but you were met with the troopers telling you he wasn't around. The troopers clarified that he was away for business. The news was annoying the first time because you'd wanted to give him a piece of your mind for annotating your art as if it were to be critiqued by someone like him! But by the second and third time you were turned away, you were surprisingly disappointed.

Disappointed and mildly apprehensive…

Though, you would've rather choked on your tongue before conceding that to anyone.

Lying in bed, nestled and wrapped in warm blankets, you were reading a few documents on a datapad one of the troopers had brought you a few days ago. You aimed to learn as much as possible about Thrawn and asking him directly was completely out of the question, but you knew that if you were spending time here you needed to collect as much as you could. The vision of the arrogant expression he'd have if you ever even alluded to any curiosity about him appeared in your mind and you couldn't help but roll your eyes. No. You needed to learn the information without letting him know you were interested and also to be able to take the things you'd find back to your friends to benefit in protecting the New Republic. Sleep was quickly beginning to take you and your eyes began to droop; though, it wasn't long after your eyes had shut that a voice softly called your name. It sounded familiar, soothing. The daze of slumber prevented you from instantly recognizing the voice until they called your name again, imploring you to respond.

"Please, answer me. Hear me."

"Luke���" Your first instinct, even through your groggy state, was to whisper his name. There was no clear insight yet of who was speaking to you until his name left your lips and the voice expressed relief.

"Thank the Force, you're alive. I…I've been so worried. None of my other attempts worked and-and I couldn't feel you for so long. I assumed…" He sounded choked up as his voice withered from your mind. "I thought I'd lost you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Luke apologized profusely, his voice trembling as he appeared to speak from far away. Then you recalled, through your sleep, that he used to do this while away on missions. He'd first initiated it with Leia, to let the two of you know he was okay, but then he began doing it with you as well.

He'd explained it before, once when the two of you had been alone and were appreciating the rare free time out on top of the Falcon; it was what the Jedi called a Force bond. Something he'd never experienced entirely, other than with Leia with whom he'd always had a connection. It was also the moment you thought he would kiss you…but he never did; never had. The attachment rule that he'd learned while in his trials with Yoda consistently stuck with him and it maintained you at a bitter distance from the man you'd fallen in love with.

But right now you didn't care about that distance because being that close to him would've been far more comforting than how far apart the two of you were now. "Luke…" You groggily said again as you shifted around in the large bed, the blankets rustling around you and his soft chuckle echoed in your mind. It warmed your heart to hear, it'd felt so long and you'd nearly forgotten the precious sound.

"It sounds as if you're resting, I'm sorry for bothering you." He taunted lightheartedly, undoubtedly at ease to know you were alright.

You smiled, feeling yourself attempting to reach out to the Jedi Knight as if he were in the room with you. Then you coldly realized you were alone, tucking your arms back into the warm blankets. "Yeah," you answered sleepily, "I've been resting very well lately." The truthfulness in your voice seemed to surprise Luke if the hum that rang in your ears was any sign.

"You are? Have you been saved by someone? Are you alright?" His voice rushed out in apprehension, the questions that'd plagued his mind swirling once more. Why wasn't he able to see you or feel you for so long? What occurred that kept you so barred from his reach?

You sighed as you turned over, stretching a bit, eyes still pleasantly closed. "Mmm, no. Still on the Chimera." Your reply was simple and fearless, entirely sincere with Luke in your half-asleep condition.

"You're still with Thrawn?" His voice was pressing now, "And you're comfortable? He's not hurting you in any way, is he?"

"No, he's been wonderful to me…good man, gave me a nice room, drawing book..'m okay."

Luke was silent for a long time and you'd almost woke up, concerned that he'd left you alone, but you were assured of his company in your mind when he spoke once more in a secure voice. "I'm going to find you and I'm going to save you. I promise. I'm not going to lose you again." Then his voice wanes away again for a moment, though it comes back more delicate than you've ever heard when he utters your name. "I…I-" But Luke stops and clears his throat, "I hope you know how meaningful you are to me…I will not give up on you."

But before you could react, you were aroused by a solid knock on your door, jolting you upright. Luke's voice felt like a distant memory as soon as you were sitting up and glancing around your room, eyes refocusing on your surroundings. Had you dreamed all of that? No. You couldn't have, you've had a connection like that with Luke before you'd been aboard the Chimera. But why hadn't you heard from him until now?

The knock at the door roused you again, so you slid out of bed to walk over and press the release button only to be met with a trooper with a plate full of food. And this time the food looked fantastic. "Oh, thanks." You responded in astonishment as he passed the tray over. He replied with a brief 'you're welcome' and began to walk away but not before you called out to him again. "Uh! Sorry, forgive me. I-I was just curious…"

"About what ma'am?" He questioned, evidently he was being patient but had someplace else to be and he wasn't a trooper you were presently familiarized with; there'd be time for that late though.

Glimpsing at your tray full of food, your cheeks burned despite yourself. "Have you possibly heard if the Grand Admiral is back from his business, or not?" The query sounded pitiful even to you, but you couldn't very well have the man who was the sole retainer of the Empire to go off and die without any warning.

That was it, no other reason.

Your cheeks were warming because the heat in the hall of the Chimera was too much. Again; no other reason.

The uncertain sound made by the soldier caused you to look at his impassive helmet. "Uh, no ma'am. The Grand Admiral hasn't returned yet. We aren't sure when he'll be back, he has work to do elsewhere and will return whenever he's concluded that." Then his helmet tipped slightly as if inspecting you and a slight chuckle crackled through his modulator. "But don't worry so much, he's surprisingly resilient. He'll come back in one piece. We serve the most brilliant and adept man in all of the Empire. If someone could prevail over anything, it'd Grand Admiral Thrawn." He clarified and with a nod then left, and you bashfully took refuge back into your room, the door closing behind you with a whoosh.

You griped bitterly to yourself, "I wasn't worried about that blue idiot…how could I be worried about him? He's an ass anyway." But the lingering apprehension in your chest said otherwise.

Another week had gone by and you'd troubled the troopers outside your door every one of those days, requesting an update about Thrawn and his whereabouts. There was no way he was going to abduct you, treat you like a captive, then regard you with interest and compliment you, shower you with gifts, and then go off and die on some random planet! You'd bring the damned Chiss man back yourself if only to give him a piece of your mind for being so rude.

Though with a continued shadow of Thrawn's expected return, you had to entertain yourself in other ways; keeping your mind busy. So, you were standing by the window, watching the stars and TIE fighters training. Thrawn had explained to you previously that they were a project he held in high esteem, something he truly believed would do the Empire well. They looked as if they were doing spectacularly too. To your eye, they handled a lot better than some of the pilots of the Republic… But you didn't have too long to dwell on that before you'd overheard out in the hallway- over the intercom- that Thrawn's personal vessel was docked and unloading its passengers.

Feeling your heart leap in your chest at the announcement and instead of waiting around to figure out why, you ran out the door; blowing past the two troopers. As you ran down the hall, passing by troopers and Chimera crew, you neglected their baffled stares and carved your way toward the docking bay. Though on your way you saw a familiar tall blue figure, it was him. Thrawn was standing at his office door about to head inside until he heard hasty footsteps bee-lining in his direction.

Fiery red eyes peeked in your direction first, before ultimately turning his head to watch you frantically trail toward him. Your heart raced as you eventually made it to him, the admiral looking down at you with a single brow lifted and the touch of a smile at the corner of his mouth. Your cheeks burned as you gazed up at him, but you blamed it on the brisk pace you'd opted for to reach Thrawn. Out of breath, your chest heaving slightly from the labored breathing, Thrawn's eyes returned to the door as it opened, "Perhaps you would like to join me in my office?" It was poised as less of an inquiry and more of an assertion as he walked into the dark corridor where you joined him. Surprisingly there were no unwelcomed remarks from the darkness as there usually had been, though your eyes still searched around for any sign of the creature.

"Rhuk is recuperating from our mission, he is not present with us, at this moment." Thrawn's cool voice expressed through the shadows and as you glanced at him to ask how he'd known what you were thinking, you caught a peek of his glowing eye over his shoulder as he observed you. "Your thoughts are easier for me to read than you may think." Though there was typically a chill to his voice, a remote remnant of detachment lingering underneath, it felt strangely… warm with that last sentence.

Once the door finally released the two of you into his office, Thrawn wasted no time in returning to his side of the desk and you approached the chair you sat at during your sessions. The annoyance instantly took over once again, "Where have you been?! It's been weeks!" You spoke without genuinely considering and the smirk that suddenly sat on his face made you mourn opening your mouth, your head sinking to cover your maddening blush.

Thrawn was quiet for a prolonged moment, creating an even more unnerving situation because you knew- you just knew- he was analyzing you as he did when he thought something was intriguing. "As I have heard it," He finally began to talk again but it wasn't making anything any more painless, the blatant smugness in his tone causing the burning in your cheeks to rush up your ears. "You were rather concerned about my unannounced absence."

"I wasn't that concerned!" You bit back quickly, lifting your head to scowl at him for his arrogance but were hushed by the raise of his brow, as if challenging you to prove him inaccurate in his observations.

"Were you not?" Thrawn queried rhetorically as he sat back in his seat, reclining far more casually than you appreciated for the circumstances. "Please, clarify for me then. Why were my troopers in rather steady communication with me, telling me about your continued inquiry of my whereabouts?" His voice was curious but mockingly so, and entirely too soft as his eyes appeared to admire you from across his desk.

You swallowed at the accusation, understanding you had no rebuttal, and instead clutched at your elbows, crossing your arms over your waist awkwardly; evading his burning gaze. "Y-You left before I could give you a piece of m-my mind-"

And his unexpectedly too affectionate voice cut you off mid-sentence, "About what, may I ask?"

You were caught off guard by his simple question, eyes coming back to meet his. The dominance he was maintaining over you at the moment wasn't one he'd used before; he wasn't trying to intimidate you, nor was he trying to exploit you. Thrawn's power came entirely from how much you had thought about him while he was away. You'd first considered how furious you were with him, how he'd treated you as if gifts would make you give up your friends, but then you began thinking about how he'd quit regarding you as a prisoner; opting to give you more freedom, and more respect. Thrawn was curious about you and consistently genuine in his queries as you spent more time with one another. Then you'd found your mind lingering on his eyes, the way his brows were the most expressionate part of him but if you observed closely enough you could see the shift of sentiment in his eyes. Thrawn was small in his mannerisms but he appeared to open himself up more to your company lately and allowed you to see past the stoic behavior.

"Have you perhaps forgotten whatever it was that you were going to chastise me over, hmm?" The soft underlying tease in his voice brought you back to your present reality and you huffed indignantly at his arrogant expression.

"Hardly." You complained as you turned your head away stubbornly. "As if I could forget why you piss me off. You seem to enjoy bugging me." Thrawn seemed to find your retort comical because he chuckled, staggering you slightly. You'd never heard him sound so…pleasant. It was hardly a lively sound, more as if he were taunting you but even still, it was the closest thing you'd heard to spirit from the Chiss man. Your eyes widened at the sound, watching intently as he shook his head and began to stand once more; neatening his admiral coat.

He rounded the desk, his hands ever positioned behind his back as his steps felt calculated, gradually coming toward you. "Then, please, continue. I am rather fascinated to hear what I've done to incur your outrage, my lady." His voice was unfairly warm, matching how his eyes bore into yours, glancing down to appreciate the rest of you only once or twice.

You were losing all of your built-up frustrations as the subject of your anger approached so calmly, tension building with each step he took toward you. The buzzing in your mind only intensified as you caught his eyes favoring you. "I-I…you…" You swallowed cautiously then cleared your throat to regain your composure, closing your eyes and breaking the rapidly building connection that made your stomach ache in an unfamiliar way. After a moment, you trusted yourself to speak finally and you leveled the approaching man with a lethal glare. "You annotated my art as if I asked for your commentaries." With every word, Thrawn took a step closer, the smile leaving his face the nearer he grew. "Then you ran off without allowing me to tell you how stupid your observation of my work even was. I didn't know if you were going to die or-"

"Would that have troubled you so greatly if I had?" Thrawn's voice was hushed and low, but cold as usual. Standing directly before now, his impressive height towered, eyes keenly observing you.

You made a vexed sound and rolled your eyes at the ludicrous question. "Don't flatter yourself, Thrawn. I just didn't want to miss my opportunity to set you straight before you died." But then you look back at him and are frozen by how close he'd gotten, inclining closer to your face.

The air around the two of you was electric as Thrawn admired your face up close; so close that his breath fanned over your lips causing a warm shutter to race up your spine. He was quiet, silently surveying you and you couldn't help catching how his eyes fell to your lips multiple times; the realization making your stomach flip. His proximity was overwhelming, drowning you in him wholly. His broad shoulders obstructed anything else from your sight, the way he leaned over you trapping you in place though nothing behind you was preventing you from running away if you wanted.

But you found that you didn't want to.

His presence was intoxicating this close.

"Allow me to speak now," Thrawn whispered, his voice sounding gentle despite how confidently he said it. His fiery eyes searched your face before he spoke again, possibly waiting to see if you would stop him from voicing his thoughts but when you didn't, he persisted. "Would it surprise you to know as I was on your mind, so were you on mine?"

The admission sends your heart into a frenzy. What does that even mean? What did he mean, you were on his mind? It felt as if he were communicating in riddles that you couldn't fully decipher and the vague meanings would be incredibly humiliating if you were to assume. So you stood there wide-eyed and lips slightly parted to steady your labored breathing, waiting for any explanation but rather you were met with a cool touch as the knuckle of Thrawn's finger brushed against your warm cheek. "This knowledge does surprise you." He stated matter-of-factly at your speechlessness, the delicate caress passing down the soft line of your jaw and allowing him to take hold of your chin, between his finger and thumb delicately. "I cannot help but find my unfamiliarity in these matters rather displeasing, as I assumed my intentions would have been made clear by this point."

"I-Intentions?" You questioned dumbly, brows upturned in surrender, "I thought you wanted to know more about the New Republic an-and Luke…that was all I was here for." The unstable whisper that left your lips signaled your uncertainty at Thrawn's next move.

Sighing narrowly, Thrawn rose to his full height once more and allowed his hand to fall away from your face; to which you let out an audible gasp at the loss of contact. "Indeed I aimed to gather details about Skywalker through you, as you appeared important to him. Though, as your tenacity and overall insolent attitude toward me continued I found myself…" He paused momentarily, contemplating his words, "Curious about you. Your boldness to defy the orders of an Imperial Grand Admiral is as brilliant as it is reckless, though, I can't help but find myself drawn by your full refusal to recognize my endeavors at rapport. I spoke to my troopers on numerous occasions to see if they could understand why it was that you were so uncompromising against my advances though seemed so agreeable with them-"

"Wait-" You interrupted him, jerking your head side to side to get your thoughts back after being so enamored with his attention. "You asked-"

"My troopers, yes." Thrawn concluded your sentence for you with a simple shrug. "Is it so unlikely that I would pursue the guidance of those in better regard with you about your preferences?"

"W-Well no…b-but-" Then it hit you; what Danvers had said before, about you being Thrawn's favorite aboard the Chimera, and your cheeks flushed once again. "So…what you're saying is…" You trailed off, expecting Thrawn to finish the sentence again for you.

Thrawn took to your hint fast and the corner of his lip quirked barely, "Perhaps I persist to fail in making myself clear." He conceded then leaned back into your space as he had earlier, stealing the breath from your lungs at the closeness.

"I-I wouldn't mind you saying it clearly so I don't make a fool of myself for guessing…" You implored quietly, lashes fluttering a few times.

Thrawn smiled now, showing the beautiful white of his teeth, contrasting against his blue skin, his red eyes narrowing delightfully as he stepped the last few inches closer to diminish the space between you. "It would see my words fail me in this moment and rather actions would be far more suitable."

And with the last delicate words of his spoken, Thrawn's chilled lips descend upon your awaiting ones in a soft display of his withheld admiration.

[danjaley]

Adventures in Reading

The Hobbit - An Unexpected Journey

My first encounter with the Hobbit was when I was about ten years old and on a train-journey. My mother handed that pink edged book to me and said this was a good one, I'd enjoy it. So I looked at the cover and wondered which of these unpleasant-looking creatures was supposed to be the "Hobbit". To make things worse, the name Bilbo reminded me of a puppet-play by the Augsburger Puppenkiste "Bill-Bo und seine Kumpane" (about a gang of robbers), which I didn't enjoy. Although I usually think the world of the Augsburger Puppenkiste, and if they'd adapted the Hobbit, it would have been perfection.

Then I read the first few pages. A dwarf rang at the door of the "Hobbit". Then another dwarf. And another. And another. I did not notice anything humorous about it. I handed the book back and said it was a stupid book.

I don't have that copy any more - these are covers reprinted in the German Annotated Hobbit. It was only there that I found out, the cover art was originally supposed to look like the one on the left. Which at least has a unifying concept. But I have to confess I never liked anything by Klaus Ensikat.

The first thing by Tolkien I thoroughly enjoyed were the Father Christmas Letters, as an adorable tiny boxed set.

In my early teens, the Lord of the Rings movies came out, so it became common knowledge that this work existed, and The Hobbit was a prequel to it. My mother loves boxed sets, so of course we also have one of the Lord of the Rings+Hobbit. When I was small I always wondered why they put a small figure there instead of 0. Because I had seen those spines all my life, declared "a book for grown-ups" I never thought of them as something I might actually open and read. Since my best friend at the time "read Tolkien", I wanted to give him another chance, so I read Tuor's Arrival in Gondolin. Which is not exactly the best thing to start with.

There came the day my mother played a CD in the living-room, which I wanted to hear, but without anyone noticing I was listening. My relationship with music was even more complicated then, than it is now. So I picked up the first volume of The Lord of the Rings, which was lying about, and that was when I finally got it.

After this revelation I did read The Hobbit, but again I had tackled it wrong. Directly after The Lord of the Rings, I found it rather disappointing. It had one thing in common with Wuthering Heights: At 50% I thought, okay, all the famous quotes have been delivered, what on earth are they going to do with the rest of the book?

As an aside, my mother also owns this extraordinary English copy, which came out with the old animation-movie. That was my first read-through in English, but nowadays I have a reading-copy with all the appendices.

Then came the year 2012, in which the world did not end, but it was one of the worst years I ever lived through. It was also the year the first Hobbit movie was released. I remember thinking at the time, if I have nothing else to look forward to in this life, at least I can look forward to another two films like this. Gawd, I'm glad I was wrong! I hated part 2 and 3!

But that was when I finally got into reading The Hobbit and enjoying it. I remember how amazed I was how much the dwarf-scene made me laugh (with a clear memory of that train-experience). I had discovered that the university-library owned an old edition of the Annotated Hobbit, and I could read this in my breaks. Thanks to the movie, there was also an affordable, and much updated edition of that work in German (on the right).

But actually I also own it in English now, because the German can be all over the place, trying to squeeze poems and their translations into the margins. But then the German edition has an extra focus on the Hobbit's printing history in Germany. And that's how I discovered the beauty of annotated editions. It's a story-book, but with lots of stories about the story. I particularly love when stories in books develop after they have been published, like the famous riddle-scene between Bilbo and Gollum.

And so I wrote my own annotated edition of a book (currently secret, hopefully to be published over the next years).

[swampgallows]

i wish i had the trust and/or anonymity to post about my real life problems on a blog because i feel like that's the kind of therapy i need. i can gather my thoughts much easier when i type than when i'm speaking, i meander too much and my emotions can conflict with what im trying to communicate. but when i'm writing, i can collect myself and better articulate my thoughts and feelings, and even when stream of consciousness i feel it is more coherent than my speech. the benefit of having bloggers read what i write is that they can analyze my mind through analyzing my text, and as someone bred in the fetid moat encircling the ivory tower of academia, textual analysis—the meta "thinking about thinking"—is one of the few languages i feel i proficiently speak. though i suppose on the therapist's end this would feel more like homework or a book report, having 'take home reading' that they then have to annotate and probe me about at our next meeting, but i feel it would make our in-person discussions more comprehensive and promote progress, rather than feeling harried to reach an epiphany in under an hour (i understand the modern arguments for abolishing homework, but for my school's workload in comparison to the length of the average class period i doubt we would have actually learned anything without it; 50 minutes is just not enough time for a fifteen year old to digest jerzy kosinski.)

before zoom and telehealth became prolific i attempted online therapy services through a questionable provider, who assured me i was free to write to her between sessions, "as much as you like". only to be told after a session or two that my letters were too long, and she is "not paid by the word". this humiliated me so deeply that i didnt try therapy again for years, nor did i write down my feelings as often, or make personal posts beyond a line or two. as a result, it was one of the angriest, most bitter, tumultuous, and (barring recently) suicidal periods of my life. being told i was a great writer, that i "should be" a writer, that i should always write, that i am encouraged to write, and then receiving the heel turn that she couldn't be bothered to read what i'd written despite me paying her, it crushed one of my few mediums of self-expression that i actually care about. i dont care that im still a shitty artist; it was never my main method of communication. writing is. it's not as flowery as most prose, even on tumblr; i'm no inkskinned or caretaker or whoever that girl is that posts aesthetic quotes sourced from her own unwritten book gregory berrycone style, but im being myself and for the most part saying what i intend to say. and if my intentions aren't to be beautiful, which they usually are not, then i doubt i will strive to be. above all i want to be heard and understood. so maybe my language is more plain, more blunt, less baroque, but to complain of its length or effort is an admonishment of my existence. "why are you still here?"

[a-pretentious-bastard]

Fahrenheit 451

Good evening,

For the first time in years, perhaps since I was ten or eleven (which would be an astonishing 8-10 years now) I have finished a book. I did not read it because I was told, or because I wanted to be looked at as the sort of odd, intelligent person who reads for whatever reason, which for the entirety of my middle and high school years seemed like a hobby only pretentious bastards would have, because what could you possibly find in a book that could not be found in a movie, then show, then youtube video, then tiktok.

Well, I believe I found the answer. On May 5, 2025, I finally picked up a book I had purchased months earlier with the intent to read it, which had been collecting dust on the floor of my wreck of a bedroom since, and I took it to work. And I spent maybe twenty scattered minutes reading Neil Gaiman's introduction to Fahrenheit 451, the 60th anniversary edition, and it hit me like a train. Within a few pages, I laid the book to rest for the day. By Friday evening, I had finished up to page 66, an average of less than 15 pages per day. Abysmal, really, in my childhood I would read a book of this length in a night. A Mango Shaped Space, the book I likely read the most times in my childhood, would be devoured in the span of a night or two, read only before bed by the light of my small bookmark-flashlight I had gotten from the school library, which would be tucked under my pillow if I heard the faintest creak of a floorboard, for fear of being caught. It was a depressing realization, how poor my attention span had gotten since I stopped reading as a kid. I was reading much slower than I used to, much less, yet it felt as if I was a voracious beast, consuming the pages faster than the fire Bradbury writes.

Saturday, the day I designate not to take my vyvanse, and allow myself to rest, I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. But I had an itch for the duration of the day. Not the sort of itch I get from my allergies, and not the urge to do that my vyvanse gives me. But it was like a voice whispered into my ear, read, Raph. Open that book, smell the pages, and consume. Devour. And, I sort of did. I opened the book to page 67, the beginning of The Sieve and the Sand and after pushing through ten pages, the hour ticking to the point of yawning punctuating each page, I slowly became hypnotized. Entranced. The time ticked by slowly, I felt, until I reached the end of the section, and realized that I'd read about 40 pages, the entirety of the section, in a few hours. My progress was slow, yes, but one must account for the fact that as I read, I truly wanted to comprehend the text, to understand it. So I would underline things, write my questions, if I encountered a word I wasn't 100% certain I understood, I would pull out my trusty Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (Eleventh Edition), the physical copy I purchased this week to reduce distractions, and I would find the word, rewrite the appropriate definition on the page next to the word. I find that writing in books, despite my detestation for annotations in high school English class, actually does aid my understanding of the book, at least when I do it my way.

I eventually tired, scribbled some notes in my handy-dandy Composition Notebook, one of those ones with the marbled black and white cover that reminds me of my childhood, where I now scribble my questions and thoughts haphazardly, spent a few minutes on my phone, and subsequently passed out. That is the only word for how I sleep, nowadays. I do not allow myself to rest, I find distractions until my eyes grow so heavy that when I blink, I forget to open them back up again. I do that one or two more times, until I tuck my phone under my pillow and lose consciousness.

Sunday, my mission was to simply finish section three of the book, Burning Bright. That was the section where I entirely stopped even trying when we had been assigned to read this book in class. I finally hit the point where I did not know what would happen. For the first time in months, I did my laundry, not because I was out of clean clothes, but because there was laundry to be done. I walked my dog twice, soon to be thrice once I finish writing this pointless post for this pointless blog. And, for the first time since picking up this book on Monday, I opened it, not because I was about to go to bed, and not because I was looking for something to fill the time between customers at the shop I run, but because I wanted to. I have better things to do, more entertaining things to do, but I opened the book. And I read the section. And then I read the History, Context, and Criticism included at the end of the book. Everything from pages 107 to 249, all 142 pages, more than I'd read in the 5 days prior combined. And then I wrote notes about it. And then I started a blog about it. And now, I am changed.

Fahrenheit 451 was the best possible choice for my first book back. I had tried to make Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy my first, I'd considered even digging up my old copy of A Mango Shaped Space or Hatchet because I know I love those books, but something drew me to this book. And, like a moth to a flame (get it?) I listened. And the flame burned me up, and made me feel vulnerable. I used to read books for entertainment, or out of boredom, to fill that void of terrifyingly macabre thoughts that have plagued my OCD-riddled brain since I was not four years old, and began to contemplate my own mortality before I ever spoke to anyone aside from my own mother, and on rare occasions, my father or grandparent. I still experience the same, debilitatingly dark thoughts, yes. But this book has taught me to embrace them. This book has taught me to be an idiot, a fool, that I will not learn everything, but I should continue on my quest to learn everything. That I should speed up, yes, but also slow down, that I was not built for this much mindless information pumped into me. I feel as if this book is the black cobra that has been slid down my throat to pump up the inky black liquid of my being. And this book has made be go outside, and when I inhaled the air outside, I was filled with something new. I am renewed, from the inside out. This book has not changed my life, but given me life. Perhaps I am in a manic state, as a friend of mine joked, but I feel like the phoenix Granger describes. Or humanity as a whole. I have died, been burnt to ash, perhaps I was dying this whole time, my entire life a slow death, a descent into nothingness. And this book has made me felt as if I am new. It's strange, in the month since I turned 20, my average screen time for a Sunday has gone from a revolting 14 hours a day or more, to 5, with the promise of continuing to decrease. I have not had any changes in my life, I work just as much, if not more than before. But it's like I have woken up.

This isn't really a book review, it's a life review. I feel as if I need to tell people, tell someone, anyone. We aren't supposed to feel like this. Scrolling from one post to the next. If Ray Bradbury saw who I was a week ago, saw what I did on a daily basis, I think he would grab my wrist and press his thumb into it, to check for a pulse. He might press an ear to my chest, listening not for the beating of a heart, but the grinding of gears, the soft hum of electricity, as if I was no more than a sickeningly lifelike automaton. I hated Mildred throughout the book, yet the more I read, the more I realized I was her. I was the epitome of everything Ray Bradbury was warning us about. But then, he told me how Montag woke up. And I felt as if I woke up with him. And now I want to stay awake, and read. I was looking up people who read lots of books in a year, and I felt something strange. I saw people claiming to have read 60 books a year, and when I read their guides on how to achieve something similar, I felt almost nauseous, seeing them recommend only reading a book once, not focusing on the heavy details, not contemplating the meaning. And to pick shorter books—blasphemy! While I am the concept of overachieving personified, I cannot imagine reading like that for the sake of a higher book count. Why, at that point, pick up children's books and read a dozen a day, why don't you?! I suppose I just cannot understand reading if you don't intend on growing from it. Gaining something from it. Satisfaction, yes, but... is that it?

If you've actually read my incoherent ramblings, congratulations, you've got a greater attention span than I. I would tell you to read a book, but clearly you are doing much better than myself, so perhaps you don't need to. Or perhaps you already have. Regardless, thank you for entertaining me.

Sincerely,

Some pretentious bastard on the internet.

P.S. Was it just me, or was there lowkey some romantic chemistry between Montag and Faber? I don't know, maybe it's just me.

[mariyekos]

This is a year in which I'm trying to get more into writing as a craft and the appreciation of writing. I'm trying to read more books, and not just my favorite fantasy novels but some classics and some more recent popular books, I'm trying to refine my actual writing style by making more conscious choices about what I'm doing, and I'm trying to leave more comments on fics, whether long or short, which is probably the strongest part of that appreciation front. Last year was about wordcount, this year is about skill.

I'm also trying to work on my vocabulary again, which I've realized has stagnated over time as I drifted towards mostly fics, most of which use the same sort of language, and more "popular" or easy-to-read books which, while entertaining, also tend to use the same sort of language so they're approachable. I've been looking up the definitions of words as I come across them, but that doesn't always make them stick in my mind, so I've been screenshotting them when I look them up with the intent of putting them in a folder to review them. I should really get to that folder part, or otherwise make a document of definitions. Maybe flashcards. There's beauty to be found in using precise language, and I want to be able to do that myself. It's one thing to be able to read a word and know what it means, and another to feel something and be able to recall the word that properly conveys that feeling. I want to get better at the latter. Sometimes I frustrate myself because I want to say something specific but can't find the word, and trying to talk around it (i.e. describe the context in multiple words) ruins the atmosphere/flow in a way that means I have to give up entirely. I want to get better at that. Not to mention the fact that I just want to know more words. It's been a few years since I graduated and I feel like I'm mentally stagnating if not declining because my daily life just doesn't challenge me like that, and I miss the challenge. The stimulation. Having to think, getting to learn, actually expressing myself. So I'm also trying to read some more academic books here and there and annotate them to really get my thinking cap on. In another world, I'd be a historian with a focus on literature. In this world, I'm very much not.

[bedlamsbard]

Hi! Here to ask you things about your Marvel fics :)

I'm currently re-reading Grim from the reaping, and I've been curious about how much Tony knows about Nebula and her time with Thanos? And also, thoughts / future plans about Loki having any further contact with his Jotun family?

Tony knows that Nebula was a Child of Thanos, but not necessarily everything that entails -- Nebula's extremely unlikely to have ever sat him down and given him an annotated history of her tragic backstory, even during their time together on the Benatar coming back to Earth. So he knows that she used to be with Thanos, but very few actual details; he probably also hasn't really been in contact with her between returning to Earth and the start of Yonder.

If I ever write the Horizon sequel that I did some concept writing for here, we'll see Loki's first meeting with Farbauti at the Conclave of the Nine Realms. Though prior to that concept, I'd been operating under the idea that their meeting in Yonder was their first meeting. Loki absolutely had no idea until that scene in Yonder either that she was his birth-mother or that abandoning him had been her decision, not Laufey's; Laufey thought the baby had been born dead. The hypothetical Yonder sequel is a multiverse story, not a Nine Realms story, so there aren't any plans for anything to do with Farbauti's family there -- Farbauti also doesn't want anything to do with Loki. Her dismissal of him in Yonder is very much legal, as is Loki revoking any claim he has to Jotunheim during the coronation scene in Horizon; Loki actually fucked up politically, legally, and diplomatically big time by invoking his connection to Jotunheim during the summoning in Yonder. (I love complicated legal systems.) Part of the reason she talks to him in Yonder is to make it clear that he made a very big legal faux pas that he can't make again.

A lot of Loki's Jotun family worldbuilding actually comes from Morning and is just borrowed into Yonderverse since I use the same worldbuilding for everything. It's just that all of the complex stuff and the family relations and the legal complications and the Jotunheim worldbuilding is from a chapter that has been written, but hasn't been posted yet. (And it's been written for like three years at this point; I just haven't written the chapter that goes between it and the last chapter of Morning.)

[the---hermit]

23|05|2024

Once again another intense week. I cannot wait to get some sleep. I did go to all lectures this week, and tho the commute is still my personal hell the lectures were fun. We had to work in groups, and I enjoyed it? This is true character development, but I am honest I really enjoyed working with these people and what we did. I also finished working on my English lit paper, almost all edits are done, so now it can sit on my laptop until I have to send it to the professor before the exam. I should also actually figure out what to do for my history paper but there's no ideas in this brain so I really don't know what to do. Today I also started to work on the Paradise Lost passages I have to study for my exam, I am currently rereading them and rewriting my annotations. It's a very useful activity, but it's long so I am not sure I'll be able to finish by the end of the week. I'd love to do this work for both Paradise Lost and Richard II, but alas I doubt I will. As for personal reading I am currently 200-ish pages into The Dreamcatcher by Stephen King and I am not really sure I am liking it. I am curious to know what is happening but it's too slow for my taste.

[littleclownopinions]

Why the Funtime Animatronics are terrifying

Content Warning: Mentions of child murder

My last post was a design analysis of Ballora in which I talked about all the reasons I find her so haunting. I had a lot of fun writing it and so I thought, why not do it for the rest of the Funtimes? Although I will be mentioning her, I wont be going into much detail, so if you want to check out the full post you can do so here. Otherwise, I want to take a look at each animatronic, going over their aesthetic design as well as their blueprints, voice lines and gameplay mechanics to explain why I love them and maybe share some theories too. I will be annotating the blueprints as I understand the small text could be hard to read. So, without further ado, let's get into it!

Funtime Foxy

"A performance was demanded of me, and now I have delivered! Encore!"

Keeping in mind the whole Circus theme, I think Foxy most closely resembles a Ringmaster. The shape of his torso, the red in his bowtie and the loud booming voice we hear in UCN sells that for me. I think my favourite thing about this iteration of Foxy is how alive he looks. It's not everyday we get a Foxy that is so shiny and new! Now, Funtime Foxy's blueprints are pretty easy to understand but there are two interesting things to note. The first is that section D directs the reader to "Circus Baby dir07" meaning the remote activation of his floor anchor is controlled by her. The second is his size, he is the shortest and the lightest of the four. All in all, Funtime Foxy isn't the most intimidating of the bunch, I'd say despite the sharp teeth he actually looks quite cute and friendly. However, there's a reason for that. Funtime Foxy wasn't made to kill, he was made to lure. He, like Ballora, was created to help keep guests entertained to distract them away from Funtime Freddy and/or Circus Baby, the two animatronics big enough to store the bodies of the victims, the two designed to kill. Although Funtime Foxy doesn't speak in SL, his UCN voice lines all relate to him performing. His UCN gameplay also sees the player keeping track of showtime, the player being jump scared if they aren't watching his stage once the time ticks over. Again, Funtime Foxy is an entertainer, luring guests to his stage to keep attention away from Circus Baby and Funtime Freddy when their.. other services are needed.

Funtime Freddy

"Bon-Bon, Say hi to our friends!"

Again with the Circus theme, I think Funtime Freddy resembles a Magician. He has the black bowtie, the top hat and he even has a little bunny friend, Bon-Bon! Although, I don't think Freddy can pull him out of his hat.. Honestly, I think he is kind of adorable, especially with his little hand puppet Bon-Bon at his side, but his blueprints are where things start to get more ominous. Ignoring the glaringly obvious child body inside Freddy's stomach, each section gives us something pretty intriguing. Bon-Bon allows him to essentially have eyes on the back of his head, while he himself can mimic voices and keep track of how close his victim is. As mentioned above, I think Funtime Freddy is one of the two killer animatronics, alongside Circus Baby. However, Funtime Freddy raises some questions. Why is he significantly smaller than Circus Baby? Does he have the same claw inside his stomach? Well, I believe that he probably does have the same claw, but because he doesn't need space for the internal ice cream dispenser or the air hose attachment like Circus Baby has, he has no need to be as big. Afterall, he has Bon-Bon and his voice mimicking feature to lure kids in! If you yourself have a different theory, please feel free to let me know!

Circus Baby

"You won't die, but you'll wish you could."

Everybody's favourite little (huge) Jester, Circus Baby, isn't really one that needs much explanation from me. We all know what she looks like and we all know what she's capable of. Despite her blueprints wanting you to believe she is totally innocent, her voice lines and minigame tell us a different story. What I want to explore is why she was designed to look like a Jester. For those who aren't aware, Jester's privilege is the ability and right of a Jester to talk and mock freely without being punished. In a way, Jesters were free to question and mock the King because of this privilege. We know Circus Baby was modelled after Elizabeth Afton, but maybe she was also designed as a Jester to signify Elizabeth's place beside her father, William Afton, and how she would often disobey (question/mock) her father's orders, the way she did when Circus Baby killed her. Her being the tallest, most powerful animatronic and having remote control over functions inside Funtime Foxy and Ballora also serves to remind us how important she is. Just food for thought. Anyway, I love Circus Baby because I think her lore is incredibly interesting, but I also simply love her design. She was so unlike anything we'd ever seen before in the franchise and she really breathed new life into the story.

Overall, I think the Funtimes are really fascinating because they were so unlike anything that came before them. The idea of Circus Baby's Pizza World was so different and this was the first time we saw animatronics that were undeniably created for the purpose of killing. By the time of Pizzeria Simulator we also found out about the scooper being used to experiment with Remnant. Sister Location is, to this day, one of my favourite FNAF games and I will never forget the feeling I got watching the opening cutscene, seeing the secret ending to Circus Baby's minigame or even seeing Ennard through the Scooping Room window. I am really excited to see what comes from the upcoming release of Five Nights at Freddy's: Help Wanted 2 and I can't wait to write more design analysis posts and theories of some of my other favourites from across the franchise!