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eltanin0 · 1 year ago

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doubt I'm ever gonna get around to properly conveying my characters and their story so I think I'll just dump some text about them. keep in mind some of this may change, isn't thought out fully, or doesn't have a proper ingame explanation yet.

Unfathomable amounts of rambling below. nobody is forced to read it.

About Requiem of Silence (ROS) and general stuff on the campaign

They're a kind of iterator prototype, a simple proof of concept for the ancients before they began production of fully functional iterators. Far more limited than a normal iterator, they were designed with the purpose of testing artificial intelligence and their ability to be self sustaining. They are housed in a can far smaller than typical iterators, however it is still incredibly large compared to it's surroundings. it's location is in a large crater we'll say, and the low elevation makes it relatively closer to the surface of the void sea. this helps with the fact that they are largely powered by the void fluid, and the closer proximity aids with the collection and utilization. They have very basic functions that pale in comparison to the complexity of future iterators. They do not have the ability to manipulate gravity, not even in their chamber. They do not possess a large amount of neuron flies either, and thus have more limited mental abilities and intelligence than normal iterators. they were not designed with the ability to speak, instead they emit a high powered lazer from their fingers to write and communicate through text that they draw on the surfaces of their chamber. The puppet design is fairly simple. where modern iterators seem almost biological with their body, the seamless transitions between appendages and other stuff that I cant be bothered looking into, ROS' puppet is far more mechanical. arms and legs are separated at the joints, clearly distinct parts that are connected together. the metallic material making up it's body is largely unchanged, save for the markings on the head the body is a very metallic grey. the first marking, directly on the forehead, looks like a volume symbol directed downwards, it is colored golden similar to void fluid. the second marking is two lines, 1 coming from either eye, which travel downwards and across the face, intersecting, ending between the chin and somewhere along the jaw (it's also colored gold like void). the intersection point is right where the mouth would normally be placed and when coupled with the volume symbol at the top would combine into a mute symbol. this along with the inability to speak leads into it's name, Requiem of Silence. an important thing about ROS is their relationship with the ancients, or more so, lack thereof. story wise, after being built by the ancients and confirming their theories, they were neglected, tossed aside, and forgotten. left to live forever in their can with no purpose, ROS slowly became resentful of the ancients and bitter towards lifeforms in general. envious of their ability to travel, and later their ability to escape the cycle.

Over time, the general neglect of their own can caused their structure (which was not as solidly built as normal iterators) to eventually collapse. the legs collapsed and walls deteriorated over time. it's overall appearance is quite similar to LTTMs' collapsed structure, minus it being submerged in water and the size difference. now seeing as ROS is meant to be a prototype, they were made long before the iterators we know today. so far back that the landscape around them has changed drastically from what it once was. after the collapse of their can, they slowly sunk under their own weight, and as nature took it's course, dirt and rubble piled over. the machinery inside would slowly clog with dirt and debris, restricting functionality and causing pain to ROS. eventually after a very long time, they were completely covered and submerged, and the life that grew atop it flourished, looking very much like the Outer Expanse. as the can continued to sink, the distance between itself and the surface grew, and the distance between itself and the void sea shrunk. during the time when the campaign would take place, the superstructure is so far below the surface that there's no sign of it's previous existence above. it's fallen so deep that it's even began to dip into the void sea itself, speeding up it's deterioration and in turn, causing immense pain for ROS.

now with the collapse and sinking into the void sea and disregard from ROS, the can and the puppet itself is in terrible shape. the puppet would be fairly broken, unable to walk, and upon first meeting, would be partially buried in dirt. gameplay wise they would function similarly to LTTM in their ability to maneuver, but of course they wouldn't be able to communicate with the player through words. they would have only one neuron fly remaining and they keep it physically inside the puppet. they would attempt to communicate with the player through writing words on the walls to no avail. eventually they would offer their last neuron to the player in an attempt to end their suffering. it's up to the player whether they accept the neuron or not, but eating the neuron would end the campaign. should the player not eat the neuron fly, during their next hibernation they would experience a dream sequence/custcene which would end with them deciding to help ROS. they would then travel deeper into the collapsed structure in search of the biggest problem within it. as they travel deeper, eventually the environment around them would begin taking on aspects of the void (the gold colors n such) and they would eventually reach the void sea. this void sea would function similarly to the saint void sea, the one that kills you when you touch it. it would be more focused around the platforming aspect and avoiding the fluid. eventually they'd reach some kind of goal or something to help ROS regain some functionality. i'm not fully certain of what the solution would be so i'll just ignore it. after fixing the issue, the player would travel all the way back up and reach ROS' chamber again. this would be the trigger for the ending and campaign over.

that's a fair amount that's in my brain, mind you I've barely talked about the slugcat and their story. some of the concepts and ideas were picked up and changed from other people, tho I don't remember which parts or how much. the only one I'm fairly certain was kinda yoinked was the can in the void sea. I think it was an ask response or something but someone asked about ascending iterators with the void sea, and I think the answer was to dunk the whole can. I thought that was a fun idea and mixed with the Rubicon void stuff, it could make some interesting platforming.

I think that's all I'll talk about for now, sorry for rambling so much. let me know if I fucked up anywhere

#:I #rambling #rambling :I #rw oc #iterator oc #sorry

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yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit · 28 days ago

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If it matters for the experiment I had a good nap and didn't wake up too stiff.

Sore as hell, but not stiff the same way I was waking up before.

If I had to describe the pain I would say it's like swelling joint pain and muscle sureness. Some bone pain but only under strain, and some fascia pain but only if I stretch something against bone too far. Such as straining my wrist downward to try to reach something. There's still irritated swelling around some of the new bone bumps, but some of them have calmed down.

At this point I can't tell how much of the pain is ongoing symptoms or ongoing pain from existing damage.

My dreams were weird and slightly abstract for me, but vivid and in full colour and about being at some kind of rock climbing gym. I think I am getting very frustrated at my weakness and inability to move properly. I crave rock climbing now, even if I have to tolerate people for it.

Pumpkin actually curled up in my armchair here and didn't want to get up, so I struggled up into my bunk.

Still sweating profusely in my sleep. Previous to the potassium I was getting really hot in my sleep, but had stopped sweating much about it after the first couple months. So hopefully this is a good sign.

Unless my symptoms drastically change, or get way worse, I think I'll try to give it a few days on the current plan and then maybe try re-including more foods.

If it gets too bad I will prop myself up in whatever way i can and call into a clinic and get them to do whatever blood work they are willing to. I have had a fresh eyeful of why going to the hospital -even with obviously life threatening symptoms- is fucking useless for me. Every weird symptom I don't already have answers for that they'll BELIEVE just adds fuel to their mockery and mistreatment, and they go out of their way to avoid useful tests. I have a better shot calmly approaching a clinic doctor and pretending I'm only mildly concerned about my body locking up so badly I can barely struggle out of bed every day as a problem that onset suddenly and has lasted half a year with little reprieve...

I am trying to remember what I did differently when I recovered enough to -by some miracle- get through my fall groceries.

I should go back to keeping a daily food journal, but doctors treat that as evidence that my problem is psychological, instead of treating it like a valid thing that people with my diagnosed conditions are supposed to be doing. All I really want to be doing is rearranging my furniture. The one really encouraging thing is that my eyelids have stopped trying to peel off.

I do think electrolyte deficiencies were part of the problem even before I started having so much extra fluids and following half baked general advice about kidney health.

This would just be so much easier if they just let patients -at least with established health problems- request their own blood tests, or if they made home testing kits for blood minerals, electrolytes and common health indicators, available. I'd buy the stupid things for 20$ or whatever. Can I pay a 20$ fee to just have the lab run whatever standard tests I want? Please?

Sometimes I wish the people I knew training to be lab techs weren't unconscionable, sometimes abusive rape-y, assholes, because then I would have friends who might want to test my blood for funsies and I would at least catch the symptoms on paper more often. Maybe I should ask some people how expensive or difficult it would be to set up my own blood lab? I just need fucking answers so i can keep my body marginally functional.

I have shit to do.

I have window film I want to put up, and furniture I want rearranged, and stuff to organize, and creative hobbies to return to and I would rather be doing literally anything else than year 5 of trying to figure out why my body seems to be quitting on me at random.

My keyboard and mouse are too broken to play games with and I would rather my biggest concern be about solving that problem. I want to eat steak.

#personal update #born to be an art and lifestyle blogger forced to be a disability blogger T~T

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lumine-no-hikari · 1 year ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #91

Today is day 3 of soup brain. But it's really my own fault. I ended up going to bed a couple hours too late last night, and waking up early to go to therapy, and in so doing, getting only 6 hours of sleep. I used to be "able to function" on very little sleep when I was in college. But "able to function" is in quotes, because in those days, I lacked any real sense of self-awareness regarding how deficits in my ability to care for myself impacted my ability to manage my own emotions and thus how I showed up in the world and functioned in my relationships with other people. I was in denial about the extent to which I was affected by sleep deprivation, and that denial manifested as total obliviousness to those effects and an inability to see the the impact, instead assuming that being depressed, anxious, and irritable were simply facets of my personality.

You know what sleep is for, yeah? Well. For myriad reasons, you can't answer me. Maybe you do, or maybe you don't know what it's for. But I like explaining things, so I'm gonna write about it either way; too bad. 😜🤣

It begins with brain science. I like to affectionately refer to brains as "electric meatballs"; they're essentially big electrochemical lumps of fat stuck behind a bone wall. And there's A LOT going on all up in there. A brain is made of specialized cells that connect to other specialized cells by branching out every which way. These cells communicate to one another with electrochemical signals. At any given time, there's enough electricity going on in the brain that we can detect and measure it just by wearing fancy equipment on our scalps, like EEG caps and stuff. Nowadays, we even have toys that can be clumsily controlled by brainwaves. It's wild stuff.

At the most basic level, our thoughts and emotions are influenced by how effectively our brains produce and use various different kinds of hormones, nutrients, and neurotransmitters. Our thoughts and emotions also influence which kinds of neurotransmitters end up getting produced, which ones flow where, which cells are most receptive to different kinds of electrochemical stimulation, and all that jazz.

With all that stuff going on, the spaces between our neurons can get clogged up with various kinds of debris. And that's a problem, because this debris interferes with electrochemical signaling, interferes with our brain's ability to make new connections between neurons, interferes with the ability of oxygen, nutrients, and fluids to get to where they need to get. Naturally, this has negative impacts on our ability to think logically, to regulate our emotions, to learn, to use our body and our senses, and to feel good in general. And what's more, a brain that's all gunked up and filthy with debris is a brain that is more likely to default to (and fail to resist succumbing to) the instinctual behaviors written into our amygdala.

So when we reach the appropriate section of our sleep cycle, the spaces between our neurons expand and our whole entire electric meatball is flushed clean with cerebrospinal fluid so that our brains can once more function in the way that it's supposed to. Because if debris keeps piling up, eventually it starts to interfere with even more important functions than our higher ones - think stuff like "there's so much debris that it's interfering with the brain signals that cause the heart to beat", and then we end up taking a premature dirt nap.

So ah… the negative impacts of lack of sleep? That's absolutely NOT a "willpower" thing. That is literally a chemical and physics thing. It is a fluid dynamics thing. No amount of "willpower" is ever gonna make water flow properly through a tunnel if that tunnel is clogged up with trash, logs, dead leaves, and rotting fish, right? It's the same deal with brains - the best a person can do if they've not allowed their brain to properly clean itself is be in denial about how negatively impacted they are as they run around being a miserable fucking crankypants with everyone they meet and acting like that's normal even though it's not.

What's super baffling is the number of people in my world who STILL think that sleep is for the "weak", or that sleep is not in any way essential, or that they should be unaffected by missing a few hours. Sleep is not a fucking luxury; it is a BASIC NEED. People don't prove how "tough" or "hardworking" or "morally superior" they are by bragging about how long they can go without sleep, or about how little sleep they think they can "function" on; all it does is betray their ignorance about basic biological, physical, and chemical principles. And it's absolutely fucking bananas - B, A, N, A, N, A, S.

But wait! It gets even hairier!

So there are a couple of hormones responsible for the sleep/wake cycle. The primary hormone is melatonin. And while the production of melatonin is significantly influenced by light (blue light will interfere with its production, for example), the fact remains that under ordinary circumstances, melatonin is run on a fairly strict timer. This timer is called the circadian rhythm. And it's FUCKING IMPORTANT, because going to sleep before the melatonin is produced and then waking up earlier than usual interferes with the whole "brain cleaning" cycle thing. And staying awake past the production of melatonin ALSO interferes with the whole "brain cleaning" cycle thing. And what you get as a result of this is that even a deviation of 30 minutes from a person's typical sleep time, in either direction, ends up causing the "brain cleaning" cycle to not do its thing as efficiently as it should. The cumulative effects of this over time are catastrophic. We're talking things like, "hormone disruption" and "brain damage", and all kinds of other nasty stuff.

What's more, if you're dehydrated, your body fluids are gonna flow like sludge and not do their jobs properly, and that includes stuff like blood and cerebrospinal fluid. Put it this way: would you rather clean your house's gutters with water or with molasses? 'Cuz I'll tell you what, molasses sure as heck ain't gonna do the damn job. So how well do you suppose your cerebrospinal fluid is gonna dislodge debris if it's flowing like molasses because you ain't drank enough water? Tell you what, it ain't gonna be pretty. And sure you'll sleep, but you're still gonna feel like crap when you wake up.

And don't even get me STARTED on sleep apnea and the hows and whys surrounding the ways it fucks people up over time. It's a huge freaking mess. Untreated sleep apnea kills people because the constant need to partially wake interrupts the brain cleaning cycle, which means that it never gets cleaned properly if at all, which causes debris buildup, which interferes with the flow of brain chemicals and electricity, and all of this is damaging.

Depending on how bad it is, it can take weeks to recover from a single night of disrupted sleep. So uh… yeah. If you wonder why I get so pissed when I think about your weeklong stint in that damnable library in which you refused to eat, drink, and sleep in favor of hyperfocusing on reading a bunch of wildly inaccurate and outdated books? Don't wonder, because THIS IS WHY. You CANNOT do this to yourself and then still expect yourself to be able to freaking function!! No matter HOW you were modified, no matter HOW efficiently your body supposedly runs, THIS IS STILL NOT HOW PHYSICS AND CHEMISTRY WORK.

Goddammit, Sephiroth, war hero or not, YOU ARE STILL A SQUISHY MAMMAL. Like LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE OTHER HUMAN, you are an overcomplicated monkey with WAY too much anxiety. Even if you NEVER treat yourself like some kind of automaton ever again, it'll STILL be too soon. And at that, EVEN AUTOMATONS REQUIRE REGULAR MAINTENANCE. You somehow managed to treat yourself as though you are worth less than even an inanimate object, and then you STILL expected yourself to function! I love you and all, but still, there is not a large enough number of times I can ask you "what the fuck??" in response to this and have ANY answer you give me feel satisfactory!

For fuck's sake, PLEASE promise me that you'll never do that to yourself again. Someone with as much raw power as you CANNOT afford to go into meltdown like that. Someone with as much raw power as you CANNOT afford to go into a mental breakdown! You CANNOT afford to be triggered SO HARD that you dissociate and mindlessly follow your instinctual behaviors! You of all people HAVE to make sure your self-care game is on point, because if you don't, then like ANY HUMAN BEING, you're not going to be able to keep your shit together when things get painful and weird! You of all people HAVE to make sure that you actually acknowledge, feel, process, and get support for your emotions instead of denying them and bottling them up, because if you don't, you're gonna explode later, like ANY HUMAN BEING.

I know you have a LONG history of being mistreated by other people, but Sephiroth, that doesn't mean you gotta freaking mirror them to the point that you become your own enemy! You have a lot of power, but you still are subject to human emotional limitations, so you HAVE to treat yourself with kindness and respect, because when someone with an exceptionally able body like you gets so overwhelmed that you lash out, other people end up paying the price in far more devastating and permanent ways than what is typical! You HAVE to act responsibly with your power, and part of that responsibility is making sure you aren't complicit in pushing yourself to the point that you break!

…So don't do stuff like that anymore, okay? You gotta do better next time. You deserve better than that. And the people around you deserve better than that, too. Use what I wrote to motivate you to treat sleep as though it's important. Because it is. I'll try to do a better job of treating it like it's important, too - starting with tonight. I promise. So let's do it together, okay?

Speaking of which, I'm gonna go do that. Because, despite what this huge infodump might seem to imply, my brain is still soup, and I gotta do my best to rectify that so I don't end up accidentally taking it out in the people around me like some kind of confused derpasaurus.

I love you and I'll write to you again very soon.

Your friend, Lumine

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itzphynix · 2 years ago

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I like that Security Breach Ruin has so many hoaxes, rn. It's like a 90's game, in here -- every copy of Ruin is personalized

Some fun hoaxes I've seen (YOU ARE ENTERING SPOILER TERRITORY, PROCEED AT UR OWN RISK X3):

"If you get under-par/a specific score in each hole/a hole in 1 in Gator Golf AR-cade, you can get Monty's Claws" You cannot ever get this item. I've heard people say that you can get a trophy/achievement for going under par, too, but I didn't get either? Also, I stg, there is at least 1 hole that is literally impossible to hole-in-1. I can accept that my inability to do it on hole 1 is a skrill issue, but I refuse to believe ANYONE can hole-in-1 the big spinny thing.

"There's a bowling arcade game in Bonnie Bowl" There is no bowling minigame -- they didn't finish it.

"You can collect animatronic parts/repair animatronics/get all items/etc for an alternate ending" There's just 3 endings, the only thing that decides which you get is whether you find the secret cams or go left or right on the 3rd series of turns at the end

"There's a 6th faztoken in Bonnie Bowl" I legit don't know if this is true or not, I have heard it several times but never seen the token, & it seems like Mr. Candy Cadet's story finishes after the 5th token, as he makes his air horn sound. Hard to imagine what a 6th coin would glean.

"There's a secret 4th ending" There's a 4th ending in the files, listed as "None," & it's most likely just a placeholder/to indicate a lack of ending (? My grasp on game development is too limited to properly describe this. In short -- no actual 4th ending)

"You can spare Roxy/you can press Esc instead of old yellering Roxy" To my knowledge, I don't think the game lets you leave that view until you hold E to do the deed? Even if it did, the game railroads you into offing the dog. Also, no previous actions/any objects in the room allow you to spare her. Door stays closed until you kill Rox'.

In general, Chica's Voice Box exists in the debug menu, but there's no Monty's Claws or Roxy's eyes. There's apparently a Monty's Photo, but nobody has been able to find it in-game? It seems as though repairing Chica is just an Easter egg that goes nowhere.

People seeing the leaked Funko merch (thanks again, Funko....) & thinking it would be for the DLC, which is par for the course, but is obviously untrue.

"If you get to the Bonnie room, you can revive him/give him Chica's Voicebox to fix him" You can only choose wether or not to deactivate the 4 Wet Floor bots.

I think this is fun stuff. Hoaxes are neat-o, especially bc they're a good vehicle to talk about the actual functions.

#gale chatter #fnaf sb ruin spoilers #sb ruin spoilers #security breach ruin spoilers #i tried to put ? if i was unsure on a detail #also i am like. not a dev or associated with dev team. my word isn't final or inherently correct #this is observations from my playthroughs & the ppl I've seen play

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legendsoffandoms · 6 months ago

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Spilled yesterday’s lore update. I do have it though.

First up: Blaze’s lore.

Blaze is Neutral, meaning he’s not on either side.

Instead Blaze runs their own base. It’s a completely neutral zone. Obviously moon does have rules:

1. No attacking anyone regardless of side

2. No Arguing/Being mean

3. Follow through with any given treatment plan

4. Inability to follow the rules results in being kicked out

5-10 are minor rules set in place by dumb ass bots.

His base is widely respected amongst those who do visit. They have only had to kick out some people, mainly serious devotees (on both sides).

Moon does genuinely enjoy running their base operations.

My other bots who happen to visit:

Zecon. Visits a lot (most of her free time), and helps take care of any injured bots who have stopped by for care.

Rebel: Enjoys hanging out with Blaze and the other bots there. Have fun guy. Drives Cyan there.

Scrap: Dating Blaze. Visits when possible.

Rocket: Dating Zecon. Sometimes visits with her.

Relationships:

Blaze x Scrap.

Very Cute. Love them.

Zecon x Rocket

Cute. 2nd favorite ship.

Humans:

Cyan:

Trans Masc: He/They

Was in a car accident that left them without the ability to walk properly. They use a wheelchair as their mobility aid most days, but on good days they use crutches.

14. Freshman in high school.

Bot friend: Blaze and Rebel. Rides with Rebel to and from school.

Emotional absent father, so they spend most of his time at Blaze’s base.

Sunny:

Genderfluid: Xe/She/He/It

Incredibly smart and cunning. Leading xem to skip grades and be top of xeir class. Never really liked school though and was just trying to leave as fast as possible.

16. Graduated early.

Bot friend: Blaze and Scrap.

Orphan, so she lives with Blaze permanently as to not end up in foster care.

Zerry:

Demiboy: He/They/It

Lost their arm due a coyote attack. It was far too damaged, so they had to have it amputated. They do not have any mobility aids for their lack of arm as they can’t afford any.

14. Freshman in high school.

Bot friends: Jetfire and Knockout.

Their older brother, Xeno, is severely autistic and low functioning. He ended up running away from home with his Brother as his dad was going to send Xeno to the military. Jetfire ended up finding them and took them in for some reason. The decepticons have grown somewhat fawn of them.

Onyx:

Guardilenel :: He/Fallen/Fall/Ix/Wing/Feather/Hy/Broke/Tether/Grudge/Sin/Wrath/Being/Unholy/Empty/Halo/Flight/Smite/Thorn/Omen/Curse/Hell/Unknown

Goth and very queer. Also an Otherkin (Fallen angel kin).

17. Senior in high school.

Bot friends: Zecon and Rocket.

Their parents really don’t care what they do as long as he doesn’t fail school, nor do they care if ix is home or not. (Not like they are ever home anyhow) So fall ended up finding Zecon and Rocket, and befriending the two of them.

The humans are based off our other alters. Why? Because we can.

Hope you like them

- Nemesis | He/They/It

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tokiro07 · 2 years ago

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Undead Unluck as an allegory for disability

I can’t say for sure if it was intentional on Tozuka’s part, but much like Jenny from My Life as a Teenage Robot coincidentally being readable as a trans character, the lives of the various Negators have a lot of opportunities for parallels with disability

Of course we have the obvious ones where the characters are literally disabled; Billy is blind, Juiz loses a hand and uses a prosthetic, Rip has prosthetic legs, an arm, and a false eye, and as we recently learned, Phil has an entirely prosthetic body save for his brain. Phil’s case is definitely exaggerated as that’s not medically possible yet, but having an illness at age 3 that causes the body to cease functioning properly is definitely something that can unfortunately feasibly happen

Then there are the characters whose disabilities come from their Negator abilities: again, Phil’s Unfeel makes him unable to feel emotions or physical sensations; Tella’s Untell makes him mute; Tatiana literally lives in a bubble, preventing her from having contact with others as if she were immunocompromised; Ichico’s Unsleep is an exaggerated form of insomnia; Nico’s Unforgettable at first seems to be eidetic memory, but when you consider that it degrades his memories from prior to gaining Unforgettable, it starts to resemble Alzheimer’s; deactivating Unstoppable requires Top break a bone, resulting in him wearing a cast at all times, which indirectly makes him an allegory for osteogenesis imperfecta (brittle bone disease)

Fuuko herself refers to her Unluck as a disease in the beginning of the story; sure, she was lying to make the concept easier for normal people to understand, but the fact that she can’t make physical contact with others without killing them, necessitating that she isolate herself for however many years, certainly does bring to mind several diseases

Andy’s sense of pain is described as radio static, which is similar to how it’s described by people with chronic pain. Even Andy’s inability to die can be viewed as a disability in and of itself; his ability to die was literally disabled by God. In fact, Negator abilities, being powers defined by a lack or erasure of a target concept, are all semantically disabilities

Appropriate, then, that the Negator power system is not about overcoming or simply getting rid of the Negator abilities, but working with and navigating through them to improve one’s quality of life. Through their own mental fortitude and personal perspectives, every Negator found the will to live and the ability to turn their disabilities into strengths

It reminds me of the early responses to Yuki Yuna is a Hero, where fans were excited that the girl in the wheelchair wasn’t suddenly able to walk when she was in magical girl form, but instead her magical girl uniform had supports that allowed her to stay upright and moved for her. I’m not going to discuss the greater implications of disability in Yuki Yuna here, only that its power system heavily focuses on providing support for the cast’s disabilities. In a similar vain, Undead Unluck’s story does not in any way imply that the disabilities of the cast make them any lesser or incapable of living well, but instead demonstrates that there’s no shame in relying on others or using assistive devices

Of course the metaphor breaks down a little when you remember that the goal is to defeat the God that disabled the cast so that they will regain their able bodies, which I think reinforces the idea that this was likely unintentional, but I do think that a disabled reader could identify with and take inspiration from Undead Unluck in the same way that they could from something like FMA where a high proportion of the cast have prosthetics

In fact, aside from FMA, I can’t think of another manga that has such a high count of disabled characters. I’m sure there are plenty, but I really can’t think of any off the top of my head. Either way, I’m glad to see a Jump title that can potentially serve as representation for the disabled community, and this is just another reason that UU is absolutely worth checking out

#undead unluck #fouryearsandananime #uu spoilers

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seeingteacupsindragons · 4 years ago

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YuuMori has a lot of villains (it’s, y’know, about the villains). YuuMori has a lot of characters with mental illnesses and neurodivergences.

Most of the time when you see this combo, well. Mental health issues have a pretty strong stigma. Usually the reason they’re evil. Something’s just wrong with them, and their mental health and inability to fit into society is another sign and symptom of it.

And yet, in YuuMori, we have these characters who call themselves demons, who are actively, intentionally, the villains of their story—and their mental health issues are not one of their sins. They do not add to their villainy.

So Albert is obsessive-compulsive. Whether it’s OCD or OCPD can be argued, maybe (although I lean toward OCPD, myself), but he is in fact seriously mentally ill, desperate enough because of it to commit murder. Personality disorders especially are hard to treat, in part because they’re so ingrained into a person. Someone with generalized anxiety might see their anxiety as separate from themselves, but personality disorders are harder to distinguish that way—and it’s part of what makes them so easy to demonize, even more than most others.

But Albert’s? Instead of making his mind looked warped and twisted, his very soul seeming wrong, his reasoning makes more sense now than it ever did before. This was a boy desperate for relief from constant discomfort, from the dissonance between how he knew this should be, how he’d been taught things were meant to be, and how they so obviously were. And it’s very obvious that he is suffering from something outside himself. He is not suffering because he is evil and his soul is wrong. He was suffering before he’d done anything wrong at all.

His discomfort was one of the most rawly emotional moments he’s ever had: Albert is usually quite cool and collected, sometimes angry, sometimes smug, but he has typically felt quite distant, even on the rare moments his internal thoughts are shown. His mental health issues, his suicidal ideation, his OCD? Those were not villainous, not cool, not collected, not careful. Those were human and desperate and fragile.

And while autism is not a mental illness, in this case it performs a similar function for William. He and Albert both have brains screaming at them constantly because that’s not right. That’s not Just. That’s not the way things should be. That doesn’t follow the rules. This can bring people with obsessive-compulsion disorder to their knees and claw their own skin open. It can bring autistic people to wordless shutdowns. It brought Albert the brink of suicide and William to murder.

They are in agony. Unless they fix the wrongness. And they have tried, so many ways, to fix it, and so many of those ways have fail.

William’s guilt may also be agony, but he’s choosing between two different forms of torment. And he thinks one helps others. Not much of a decision, that, not for someone with a soul and a heart, someone who burns so hot with love and hate that he has to turn it into something.

William’s depression, his mental illness, the way his brain doesn’t conform to society, his guilt, his understanding of his own misdeeds is so deep and his self-image so wholly negative, compared how virtually every other character in this series, even John, who barely knows him sees him, and especially compared to how the audience who adores him so much they overwhelmingly voted him their favorite character sees him.

We know he knows what he did was horrible. We are confronted with it constantly. And we are inclined to forgive him even when he might not, because we know despite it all, he has a solid moral center, a good core, the moral understanding of right from wrong. His depression is so all-consuming how could he not? Those things cause his depression.

Albert and William are the focal point of the villainy of the story in many ways: the two who started everything. The two who birthed James Moriarty, Lord of Crime. But while Albert and William may have started everything, they are not the only two with mental health issues.

Louis has always been quite stable. Anxious, to be sure, type A, very high strung. But not really mentally ill—everything he was ever anxious about was entirely reasonable (of course, I have an anxiety disorder myself, so my evaluation of that might be off—but still, worried Sherlock might ruin William’s plan, might lead to his death, might ruin something, worrying about William’s death, worrying about Milverton? All entirely reasonable, thank you). Informed by trauma, surely, but not necessarily mentally ill.

Moran, though? Louis’s behavior is informed by trauma, but Moran’s is poisoned by it. That double-dose PTSD not only from the war, but from his actions in The Final Problem tore him apart, and we saw it tear him apart. His PTSD pushed him into crime the same way William and Albert’s mental health did.

When Moran first gets his character focus, when his personality and character is delved into properly, it’s to show his trauma and mental health issues. His character is deepened, given structure and reasoning and understand, by showing us his mental illness, the way Albert just was in chapter 62. The way William’s has been for several arcs now with his depression.

I find Moran particularly interesting, because he’s not the only character with Shell Shock: John is also a veteran, and has a psychogenic illness from his time at war. When you take those two, loyal bosom friends of William and Sherlock, who are also set to contrast and parallel each other, down to their mental health issues and neurodivergencies, it becomes very apparent how differently the two teams have portrayals of their illness. Of course, John’s not a villain. Sherlock, for all that he can commit horrible acts, is not a villain.

But Sherlock suffers from bouts of listlessness and gloom just as William does—and he hides it even less. He doesn’t quite manifest as traditional depression the way William does—it really reads more like manic depression—but Moran and John’s PTSD doesn’t manifest the same way either. And Moran’s physical disability rooted in something more concretely physical than John’s and his struggle much more debilitating. The way he suffered pushed him to do worse things than John ever felt pushed into.

But suffering, like it did with Albert and William, makes us feel closer to him. It makes them these powerful men who call themselves devils vulnerable.

Human.

#Yuukoku no Moriarty #Moriarty the Patriot #this could use more editing probably but I'm sick of looking at it right now #maybe I'll poke at it later #I also still have l like 300 words of notes that didn't make it in here to deal with later

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interpol-nyc-documents-blog · 2 years ago

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Have you ever come across the ”Top Ten Worst Lines of Interpol's First Album" ? Here’s a reply to the article:

Paul writes from a position of decadence. To start: "She's always calling my bluff / Her stories are boring and stuff." -This lyric reflects the crux of the entire song: he is so immensely uninterested and disenfranchised by the female subject's modes of expression and communication that he does not feel it necessary to express his boredom by writing in any sort of eloquent tongue. "She's boring and stuff" is the ultimate indication of his own reciprocal boredom. Anything more indicates that he is interested in examining the issue. Progressing further with this theme: The author of this article woefully dismisses the lyric labeled as number 8. Ponies are traditional symbols of the mercurial and fleeting. The song is about the utter inability to connect, particularly sexually, with another person. "She says it helps with the lights off," etc. This inability to achieve sexual connection stems from lack of emotional understanding. The song's power lies in its expression of a subtle yearning for things to actually organically gel, and the sense that this may still be possible. This song is less clinical than much of the album musically, and it is brilliantly intuitive. "She says brief things" simply means that she is relatively closed off and it is difficult communicating with her. His love is there but it is effectively sublimated- which means that it has been forced under due to a larger more pressing issue, i.e. the formulaic, mechanical, clinical desire to emotionally function properly, and the desire to not have to directly address his dysfunction. Paul has made it no secret that he believes that life is not a slow march toward death, but that death validates and presents an excuse for a decadent, indulgent, sensory-based life style. In the 'Stella' lyrics, they are clear and exacting. This song again is about defunct sexual interaction. "Love joy diver' is an underhanded sexual allusion and "catatonic" refers to a unfeeling, unmoving state. Simply, Stella is incapable of performing properly sexually, i.e. she is frigid and disturbed. The persona of the singer is attracted to this type of clinical sexual satisfaction because the pressure of emotional investment is absent. I am not going to go through each of the others for risk of boring the reader further, but it is plain to see that these lyrics, as is the music itself, are very calculated and thought-out. Connotation and delivery are very important with the words. Conversely, the new album, Antics, is much more extroverted and aggressive; it is much less self-examining and self-conscious, and more immediate. Paul's knack for haunting lyrics is in top form on 'Slow Hands' with "...makes me want to pick up a guitar and celebrate the myriad ways that I love you" and Interpol's absolute best lyric and delivery: "ohh how I love you, in the evenings... when we are sleeping... we are sleeping." It seems that this record has reconciled some of the struggles with the concept of love: Love and relation to others is viewed from a very cynical, almost disturbing, lense. But, the hope is still prevalent on this record. It is about accepting the frailty of emotion, an almost proto-existentialism. The line from 'Slow Hands' illustrates this well. It is grammatically incorrect. It should be "the myriad of ways." But this imperfection in the actual presentation of the words reflects his state of mind that such a heroic and romanticized view of love is unrealistic and maybe impossible. Love and the mechanisms of relation to others is imperfect. Yet he tries nonetheless to express himself and his acknowledgement that true connectedness is possible. The emotional frailty and dysfunction examined on the first album may not be dysfunction but instead the natural state of things. This record is more proactive and has a "take control" mentality to it- things may be flawed but it is a viable approach on life to actively indulge in and embrace the peculiarities of human interaction and "look the other way.

#interpol #interpol band #paul banks #paul banks lyrics #lyric analysis #lyrics #rock lyrics #totbl #antics

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hannigramficrecs · 4 years ago

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Newly Added Fics 5/16

Hello everyone, sorry again for the slight hiatus! I’ve replied to all the messages in my inbox (at least the ones that were sent to me before this past friday), so if you asked me something before that, be sure to check out my replies!

As usual, I’ve emboldened the fics I really liked and italicized the ones that are incomplete.

Looks Like Love by luvkurai [words: 5,987] — (AU)

After his sister's wedding, Will kisses his childhood housekeeper (and first love).

Betrothed by slashyrogue [words: 3,932] — (AU)

In one month he would marry a total stranger.

Titan Arum by ProxyOne [words: 64,614] — (AU)

Will is a botanist, working in the greenhouse of the local Botanical Gardens. He is getting his life back on track after his divorce, but he can't help but notice someone who keeps coming back to his greenhouse to draw, day after day. A man who seems to have been paying very close attention to him...

Find Me In The Dark by Rising_Phoenix [words: 40,131] — (AU)

After a fateful accident, the marriage of Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter has reached its end. Grief and the inability to stop them from falling apart has brought an irreconcilable distance between the formerly deeply devoted couple. While Hannibal is apathetic towards his husband, ignores him, and is withdrawn, Will has started an affair with fellow teacher Francis and drowns his desperation in more and more alcohol.

Light of All Lights by whiskeyandspite [words: 20,377] — (AU)

Dracula-like fic without any of the vampires

The Stage Just For You by CarnivalMirai [words: 6,494] — (AU + Age Gap)

Will has landed himself the role of Odette for world-famous choreographer Hannibal Lecter's rendition of The Swan Lake.

There Will Be Bells by Entropyrose [words: 36,639] — (A/B/O)

In Georgian England, male omegas are very rare diamonds. Baron and Baroness Graham have a plan to build their wealth and social status by offering their son Will's hand in marriage to a mysterious older Duke, an Alpha named Lord Hannibal Lecter. Will's personal feelings need not apply.

Alpha Mart by slashyrogue [words: 63,164] — (A/B/O)

Will needs an alpha. After years of fake knots, half-assed suppressants, and his own damn hand during heats he’s reached the end of his rope. He doesn’t do dating so he decides to waste his life savings and hype with the current trend. Alpha Mart.

Enchanted By Your Name by CarnivalMirai [words: 9,207] — (A/B/O + PWP)

“Now, my husband would prefer it if I got the job done quickly.” He says, slashing down the back of each gag as he passes each man, watching as the silk falls gracefully to the floor. “However, I want to have some fun. Considering you’ve troubled my husband so much… it’s only fair, right?” One of the men whimpered fearfully. Or: The name "Will Graham" is a name you'll only ever hear once.

I've Been Building Black Ships by cloudsarefluffy [words: 8,116] — (A/B/O + AU)

Alpha Hannibal moves to the States with his sister Mischa after being overtly done with the fancy life of a count, and his blind omega neighbor gives him an insight into love that he never quite expected.

A Rare Find by hit_the_books [words: 5,379] — (A/B/O + AU)

Life as an omega bookseller can be quite lonely. However, as the owner of Graham’s Books, Will Graham is reasonably content. That is until he meets—long-time customer and crush—Doctor Hannibal Lecter in person for the first time. Attraction blossoming between them both, Will agrees to a dinner date with the good doctor.

We All Have a Hunger by 1ntothew1ld [words: 12,260] — (A/B/O + Age Gap)

Hannibal will ensure a properly slow and painful death for an alpha who allowed a beautiful young omega to go to waste as this one has. Too skinny for his own good, a stuttering and humble mess. The likes of the omega in front of him belonged at Opera houses and in million-dollar mansions, not scrounging for his next meal. Meek and afraid in some disheveled row house. When he finally looked back up the alpha had to conceal the utter punch to the stomach that meager glance was, blue eyes full of innocence but also hunger.

The Doctor Is In by Kummerspeck7 — (A/B/O + PWP)

Will nearly scoffed. "You can't expect me to believe you'd want anything other than a delicate flower to adorn your side, keep your ostentatious home, bare you the exact number of children you want--No more, no less-- all while being available at your whims." "Not at all." Hannibal disagreed. "I would no more put a wilting flower in my home than in a bouquet given as a gift. Tell me, Will, is that how you are treated? Forbidden from work, cloistered inside and used at Mr Brown's discretion?" "My Alpha's discretion." Hannibal looked pointedly at the curve of Will's neck, free from a single scar. "Not yet he isn't."

Teenage Wildlife by writtenbyizzy [words: 10,163] — (Age Gap + Sugar Daddy)

While reluctantly prowling Grindr for a sugar daddy to pay for his dog Bean's vet bills Will comes across Hannibal, and gets far more than he bargained for.

Just As Poised As I Remember by CarnivalMirai [words: 5,721] — (Age Gap + School)

When Will was in high school he had an incredibly handsome psychology teacher-- tall and sharp with a thick European accent. And now, a decade later, said psychology teacher-turned psychiatrist... just swiped right on him.

We Can Chase the Dark Together by K_R_Closson [words: 16,615] — (Fantasy)

Will tips him and Hannibal off the cliff. Instead of hitting the water, he wakes up in his bed, several years in the past. His first, and only, priority is to find Hannibal again.

We Killed a Dragon Last Night by inameitlater [words: 88,150] — (Fantasy)

Will remembers falling. He wakes up months before Jack got him to work for him. Months before he met Hannibal for the first time. Free from his past he decides to change events and meet Hannibal again.

My Only Constant Is You by TheSilverQueen [words: 25,369] — (Fantasy)

Hannibal Lecter is an immortal who can never die. Will Graham is a time traveler who can never stay in one place. Perhaps that is why they are perfect for each other.

Motinos Kalba by Lyla_Joy [words: 6,040] — (Fluff)

Five times Hannibal Lecter spoke Lithuanian on accident and one time he meant too.

You Make Me Feel (Good) by sourweather [words: 7,190] — (Fluff)

Will Graham has sensory issues. The world gets too loud, he gets overstimulated easily, but most of all he hates being touched. He never expected someone to work so hard to make him comfortable, to be so patient with him.

Pick Me Up by sourweather [words: 6,053] — (Fluff)

Will doesn't go to bars much. He doesn't end up needing a ride home much. But when he does get drunk, he always wants to ask Hannibal to pick him up.

Hard to Get by JSinister32 [words: 5,561] — (Jealousy)

Will and Hannibal had been broken up for six months. When confessions are made during a work function, can they find it within themselves to forgive?

Polar Opposites by Lyla_Joy [words: 19,513] — (Kidnapping)

“Says the cannibalistic serial killer who knocked me out and is now holding me hostage,” sassed Will. The Ripper didn’t smile but his eyes crinkled in the corner. “Please call me Hannibal.”

Fate Is A Keen-Eyed Hound by LydiaFearing [words: 5,890] — (Mischa)

Hannibal may be a successful, charming psychiatrist but Mischa worries that her brother is lonely so she gifts him a puppy. Hannibal reluctantly falls for his little dog but wants to get involved with time-consuming FBI work and not just anyone can be allowed to look after his pet. Luckily, Alana can recommend a boarding kennel in Wolf Trap.

The Significant Other: The Will and Hannibal Edition by house_of_lantis [words: 18,431] — (Murder Husbands)

After their terrible and abrupt break up, Will and Hannibal attempt to maneuver through their social circles, side step ongoing gossip, and deal with the fact that Will knows the truth of Hannibal. Through impossible odds, Will and Hannibal do find their way to each other again.

Dancing with the Beast by proser [words: 86,347] — (Murder Husbands)

In order to catch a mediocre serial killer, Will must pose as Hannibal's date for a series of pretentious social events. Hannibal is dramatic and jealous as ever, and Will is having a great time without the encephalitis. Of course, it's a love story.

Arriving at the Crossroads by HigherMagic [words: 7,558] — (Mpreg)

"You haven't been my psychiatrist for a long time," Will echoes. "But you've been my friend. You've helped me. With…" He gestures vaguely to his head. "When my brain was on fire. On consults. When it's dark and I need a guiding light." "It pleases me very greatly to be a source of comfort and reassurance for you, Will," Hannibal says. "I have wanted to be that for you, for a long time."

The Hanged Man by justhavesex [words: 13,076] — (Mpreg)

Will Graham had never wanted children before, but he had never considered it to be a consequence of his omegan brain not finding anyone worthy, but the moment he had met Hannibal Lecter he had been filled with want. In which a dinner party one-night stand results in a pregnancy that changes Will's entire life.

I Don't Even Like Lana Del Rey by perpetuallycaffeinated [words: 4,328] — (PWP)

The tension and low thrum of arousal were making Will speak impulsively. He knew this, but he’d just finished his drink. There was nothing he could use to stop the question, blunt and presumptuous and rude. “So, what, you’re my daddy?”

A Bad Combination In The Dark by perpetuallycaffeinated [words: 1,957] — (PWP)

When a nerve wracked Will Graham accidentally cuts his hand on Dr. Lecter's letter opener, things quickly get out of control.

The Best Bait by sourweather [words: 3,327] — (PWP)

Will is a good fisherman, he knows which bait to use for his catch. Will seduces Hannibal at a party by being sexy.

Whimsy by justheretoreadhannibalfics [words: 3,001] — (School)

Doctor Hannibal Lecter is standing in as a teacher while Professor Graham is out of town on a case. The students start to kind of like him, and become very invested in his love life.

Callipygian by ProxyOne [words: 2,260] — (Season 1)

Hannibal has a lot of sketches of Will, which he normally keeps safely away. One day though, Will shows up unexpectedly and Hannibal is caught unawares, and unprepared.

L'appel Du Vide by sourweather [words: 5,413] — (Season 1)

Will is hiding things from his coworkers. From himself. But Doctor Lecter knows.

Friends Don't Frame Friends: A Lesson for a Clueless Cannibal by LadyFelixTristis [words: 5,041] — (Season 1)

Ear? What ear? Will Graham doesn’t try to thwart Hannibal Lecter’s plans for him. He just does. By accident. And then on purpose.

For All My Pride, You Were the Fall of Me by nobetterlove [words: 13,212] — (Season 2)

After being released from the BSHCI, Will grabs the dogs he can't live without and leaves without a trace

Letters to God by CarnivalMirai [words: 4,698] — (Season 3+)

Will writes letters to Hannibal every day after his incarceration. But they never make it.

Blankets, Coffee Cups, and Christmas Morning by sourweather [words: 6,352] — (Season 3+)

Hannibal wants to enjoy the domesticity. The love, the closeness, the being Known. But something about his life with Will makes him want to lash out.

All These Fictionary Tales by ProxyOne [words: 18,492] — (Season 3+)

After the fall, Hannibal is presumed dead. Will has been declared dead. But Will isn't willing to believe that Hannibal would just abandon him like that

Seduction by BloodunderMoonlight [words: 7,086] — (Season 3+)

“For fuck’s sake, Hannibal.” Will glared at him, brimming with wrath he had only seen behind Will’s gun. He had no doubt Will would draw out a knife from beneath the duvet or pillows, but clearly words were enough to make him gobsmacked—“Are you a fucking virgin or monk? If all these can’t get you to bed then I don’t know what can.” Hannibal stood gaping at Will.

Blood, Cedar and Dog Hair by sourweather [words: 3,351] — (Season 3+)

Something terrible happens while Hannibal is in prison. Something he never prepared for.

Hidden Potential by sourweather [words: 20,789] — (Soulmates)

The first time you make eye contact with your soul mate, you see a vision of their greatest accomplishment. They call it your Peak. Unfortunately for Will Graham, his soul mate's Peak is a vision of blood and horror. Fortunately for Hannibal Lecter, his soul mate's is too.

Karoliai by slashyrogue [words: 4,577] — (Sugar Daddy)

Will works at a jewelry store. He has worked there for three months and sold less than any other person there. His boss tells him to sell something by the end of the day or he may not have a job tomorrow. If there was one thing Will hated more than having to talk people into buying jewelry they didn’t need, it was trying to do it two days before Valentine’s Day.

#hannibal #hannigram #hannibal fanfiction #hannigram fanfiction #hannibal fic recs #hannigram fic recs #hannibal fanfic #hannigram fanfic #hannibal fic #hannigram fic #nbc hannibal #hannibal tv #will x hannibal #murder husbands #hannibal au #replies

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thefanficmonster · 4 years ago

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Oblivious

Valkyrae (Rae) x Reader (Gender Neutral) ft. Corpse Husband

Warnings: None

Genre: FLUFF, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: In the most desperate of times, we may or may not be used to hearing the phrase ‘Beggers can’t be choosers’ which is exactly why Y/N’s found themself asking the most hopeless of cases when it comes to love and romance - Corpse, for help.

Requested by Xara. Hi darling! Thank you so much for this wonderful request you’ve sent me - I love writing for Rae (excuse my bi excitement, I’m just a HUGE simp) and I can’t thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to do so. Sorry it’s been two months since you requested this but here it finally is and I hope it makes up for the wait. Love, Vy ❤

“Corpse, I’m in desperate need for help.“ I don’t even bother with a friendly or even polite greeting. Being best friends for as long as we have, Corpse and I excluded the politeness that comes with phone calls a long time ago, especially when calling with an emergency. Though, let’s be honest, if I’m calling him on the phone and not on video chat like I usually do, it is an emergency.

“Given that you’re asking me, I can imagine how desperate you are.“ He has the audacity to laugh in response, causing me to roll my eyes.

Now, don’t get the wrong idea - I love Corpse with all my heart. Him and I have been through A LOT together considering we know each other since we were teenagers. However, there are some instances in life when he simply doesn’t get me. Not that he doesn’t try to, he does and does so very hard, but he rarely succeeds. Trying is what matters, of course. Given that he is my only close friend, I can only ever turn to him with my problems though I try my best not to bother him too much, but when things get REALLY tough, I can’t help but go and vent to him. Luckily, he’s always been very understanding, but it may be because he feels like he owes me for all the times he has turned to me with his problems. I’ve tried to explain that he shouldn’t feel such a way, but that’s rather hypocritical of me cause I feel the same way.

Alright, enough digressing, back on track!

“Desperate doesn’t even begin to summarize how I feel.“ I sigh, plopping down on the couch in my living room, kicking my feet up on the coffee table as I cover my eyes with my hand. “Brutally miserable is, I think, the correct term to use here.“

I hear Corpse let out a quiet ‘oof’, one I think he hoped I wouldn’t hear. “And what led you to finally give in and ask for help, not that I can offer you much?”

I can’t help but snort at that, a snort that serves as a replacement to slapping myself across the face. “Rae texted me yesterday asking if I’d like to play Minecraft with her and I took THREE HOURS to respond! Not on purpose, I just couldn’t think of something good to say!” I know I sound like a whiney kid, but I think I’ve passed that threshold LONG ago. Of course, this whiney kid version of me only surfaces around Corpse and Corpse only. No one else is allowed to see me like this or that would legit be the end of any sort of pride I may have left in me.

“You mean you couldn’t choose between ‘Sure, I’d like that!’ and ‘Of course, I’d love to!’? Please say yes.“ Corpse already sounds disappointed and he hasn’t even heard the worst of it yet.

“No and sit tight, it gets worse. I...“

He cuts me off, “Wait, no, don’t say it. Let me guess - you turned her down? Keep in mind if you say yes I’m hanging up on you.”

I remain silent, pinching the bridge of me nose and cringing as hard as my facial muscles are willing to allow. I can’t say yes, not cause he’ll hang up but because admitting it makes it more real, and the more real it is the more depressed it’ll make me and I will go back to being a self-deprecating mess that refuses to be productive or properly functioning - aka ‘Whiney Kid Maximum’.

“I’m hanging up.“ Corpse says after waiting five seconds for my response that only comes in the form of dead silence which is more than enough of an answer in and of itself.

“No, please don’t!“ I squeak out despite my agony, “I’ll never break the cycle if you don’t help me, Corpse! I’m a hopeless case!“

“You’re a hopeless case with or without me, Y/N.“ He states, angering me ever so slightly. “Not only cause you really are, but because I have nothing useful to offer you. Not even a single advice. Even if I did, giving it to you would by hypocritical when considered how bad I am on this field myself. Hell, the very person you’re head over heels for is my personal matchmaker. If anything, you should be asking her how to swoon her...“ He pauses.

So does my brain.

For a second we’re both quiet, the silence on the line suggesting big plans are being developed - well, not on my end but still.

“Now there’s an idea...“ He mutters more to himself than to me.

“No!“ I shriek fearfully, “Please, if you love me even the tiniest bit, Corpse, don’t put me in a situation where I have to be alone with Rae! Not IRL not in a Discord call - not in ANYTHING. I close up and end up seeming unfriendly and rude because of my inability to talk to her like a normal human being! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just can’t do it! So please don’t make me.“

I maybe can’t read minds, but hell if I can’t at least have a rough guess of what’s on my best friend’s mind - I know he’s already scheming and coming up with odd solutions to my problem - some of which will cause me more problems but let’s not even mention those. That being said, I need to prevent him from actually carrying out any of his absurd schemes, otherwise it’s game over for me.

“Hmm, ok fine, but only cause I wanna spare you your own awkwardness. Consider it charity.“ He sighs, the disappointment even more evident now.

I sigh too, but I do so in defeated relief. It’s bittersweet, to be honest. “Thank you.”

“Don’t.“ He says sharply, “Don’t thank me. It’ll make me feel like I’m encouraging your behavior.“

Well, screw my feelings, I guess. I’m left on this battlefield alone, aren’t I?

Corpse hanging up the call confirms that I am, indeed, alone.

* * *

“Hello?“

“Are you still in bed, for the love of God? It’s noon!“ Not only did he have the audacity to wake me up with his phone call, but now he has the audacity to judge me on my sleeping habits as well. Some darn nerve he has.

“What do you want, Corpse?“ I grumble out, groggy and now grumpy too. The last thing I need is the only person I can turn to turning on me. Especially not now. I don’t need his or anybody else’s judgement of me or my life, it’ll hurt too much.

“I want to know how long you haven’t showered, Y/N.“ He barks back, causing me to roll my eyes. “And when’s the last time you actually ate something healthy and nutritious and not just greasy takeout?”

“I showered last night!“ I straighten up and frown, feeling offended despite his questions being justifiable. I think that’s exactly why I’m pissed off, to be honest - he knows me and my habits too well. “And you’re just being hypocritical on the eating part!“

“Whatever.“ He mutters, allowing me to feel at least a tiny sense of victory for having proven him wrong, “Get your ass up and come play Minecraft with me, you need to be cheered up asap.“ He continues, much to my dismay. “And don’t even think about saying ‘no’. If you do, just remember, I have your address and a strong will to kick your ass into shape.“

“Into shape? We’re going to the gym or something?“ I’m honestly confused and intrigued now. Maybe the gym isn’t such a bad idea, I’m sure I could become really good friends with the punching bag.

Corpse sighs exasperatedly in a way I can basically hear him roll his eyes as well, “Not that kind of shape, Y/N. Just get on Discord, seriously, I’m worried about you.“

That sentence strikes a nerve. Something about that genuine concern in his voice reminds me that I still need to move on from focusing so strongly on just my failures, no matter how big or small, and keep pushing forward, if not for myself then for the people who care about me. For Corpse especially, seeing as how he’s sort of been my babysitter ever since my feelings towards Rae started to consume me whole and suffocate me. I don’t know how or when it happened, in fact I can best describe it as the Titanic: I was doing ok and then instead of hitting an iceberg the iceberg of feelings hit me and I started sinking. Corpse was there to offer me a hand to help me keep at least my head above the surface. He can’t pull me out of the water but he’s not willing to let go either. I’m afraid holding on like that will tire him out to the point of letting go of me completely, but I’m afraid of sinking too. You see my dilemma here, no?

“Ok, give me twenty minutes.“

I would have probably continued sleeping or just chilled on social media, refusing to get out of bed for at least another hour, but the debt I feel towards Corpse is stronger than the desire to be a slob so I motivate myself with every power my fragile mind can fish out of the void and push the covers off me, shivering at the drastic change in temperature around my body now that I’m exposed to the rather cool air in my room, my pajamas hopeless at providing me with any warmth.

Twenty minutes later sharp, I’m seated at my desk, in front of my computer with my headphones on, taking one last encouraging breath before entering the call where Corpse is waiting for me.

“Yo.“ I greet him half-heartedly, drawing invisible abstract patterns on my desk with my finger as if I’m avoiding eye contact with him IRL.

“Glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of punctuality at least.“ He chuckles, sounding a lot more pleasant and a lot more like my friend Corpse and less like sergeant Corpse Husband who was speaking with me on the phone earlier.

“Very funny.“ I murmur in my now common brooding manner, “Anyway, enough about me, how are you doing? Anything interesting happen since we last spoke?“

“You mean in the past ten hours? No, nothing interesting apart from that I managed to catch a few z’s.“ He replies as I join the Minecraft server, managing to get a smile out of me.

“Hey, that’s nice to hear! Good for you, Corpsie.“ I say, honestly proud and happy for him.

“Yeah, and just so you’re not calling me hypocritical on the topic of eating, I’m currently cooking myself lunch.“ He points out, now just straight up peacocking, “On that note, I got a pot on the stove so you’ll have to excuse me for a sec.“

“Please go. Don’t set your apartment on fire the first time you cook” I snicker, leaning back in my chair and fetch my phone to kill the time while he’s gone to tend to whatever attempt at a meal he has prepping in his kitchen. I feel bad for his stomach, and his kitchen, already.

“Corpse? Hi!“

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no - tell me that was an auditory hallucination and I didn’t actually hear that just now! TELL ME!

“Rae?“ I blurt out, almost falling backwards out of my chair, eyes wide, jaw hanging slightly.

Just then I get a text from Corpse:

Consider me dead and carry the convo. I know you’ve got this, Y/N

Oh that prick is gonna get it!

“Y/N? Hi! Sorry, Corpse didn’t mention you’d be playing with us, but it’s so nice to be hearing from you! It feels like it’s been forever.“ Rae replies, cheery and enthusiastic as ever, just like the absolute sweetheart she is.

With Corpse absent from his position, without his metaphorical hand holding mine, I’m metaphorically sinking and drowning. Maybe the drowning part isn’t so metaphorical after all, considering I actually am drowning in all the thoughts produced by my mind at the moment. A mind that’s going completely haywire, might I add.

“Hehe, well, funny thing, he didn’t tell me you’d be playing with us either.“ I chuckle anxiously, already breaking out in a nervous sweat. I solemnly promise to kill Corpse first chance I get, that way he’ll at least be dead for real.

“He set us up, huh? What’s his game, where even is he?“ Rae asks, properly confused as she should be.

All on-point questions, hun. And I can’t answer any of them logically.

“Um, you know, he’s off doing...something.“ And there go my conversational skills out the window, I hope they send me a postcard one day.

“Whatever, enough about Mr. Ominous. Tell me, what’s been keeping you busy?“ Oh crap, this is the question I’ve been fearing. Mostly cause I’m not prepared for it. “Actually no, let me rephrase: Why have you been avoiding me recently?“

‘Oh crap’ squared. Tripled.

“Whaaat? Avoiding you? Where’d you get that idea?“ I’m aware of my high pitched voice, but it’s not like I can do much to tone it down. Every part of me is in critical panic mode and rationality has accompanied my aforementioned conversational skills out the window.

“I don’t know, Y/N. Ignoring my texts, leaving me on ‘Seen’ and then declining my offer just to accept the same one coming from Corpse - can’t really blame me for finding it shady.“ She replies, her words making me wince and hide my face in the palms of my hands as though it’ll shield me from Rae’s brutal honesty and forthrightness.

“I’ve been...bad at replying to everyone lately, nothing personal, I swear.“ Yeah, that sounded convincing, good gosh-darn job, Y/N!

“Why’s that?“ Something about her tone suggest she knows I’m lying and is just humoring me and my agony. I don’t know if to thank her for it or wish she’d just rip off the band-aid and confront me head-on. In that case I’d have only one of two options: freeze up or spill my guts. Honestly, I don’t know which is worse. “I thought you’d reach out to me, given you’ve found yourself in a pickle.”

I frown, confused and wary like I’m walking on thin ice over a pool of sharks, “Pickle? What pickle?“

“Corpse mentioned you needed dating advice.“ She replies simply as though it should’ve been obvious and as if it’s the most casual, regular and normal thing. Little does she know...

“Um, yeah, I guess you can call it that.“ I murmur sheepishly, my cheeks reddening.

“Who’s the lucky girl?“ She asks, the excitement now replacing the previous suspicion she was fronting, making me nervous as hell.

My heart skips a beat, “How’d you know I’m crushing on a girl?“

“Uh...“ She stumbles over her words, pausing to collect her thoughts and formulate a response, “Corpse told me!“ When the reply finally arrives it’s as high pitched as mine was earlier, suggesting something ain’t right.

I stay quiet, my mind and heart racing which is quicker. My leg is bouncing, my fingers are tapping the keyboard rhythmically as I rack my brain, pushing it to put the pieces of this enigmatic puzzle together, connect the dots.

When it finally does, I’m left with a horrific end-result, a realization that makes me go pale as a ghost, “He told you who said girl is too, didn’t he?” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. I keep the tone low so she doesn’t notice how shaky it is.

It takes her a few seconds to reply, but when she does I kinda wish she hadn’t, “Maybe...”

My first instinct is to excuse myself from the call, pack all my kitchen knives and drive to Corpse’s house but with my limbs having lost any and all feeling in them that is practically impossible. So, I settle for my second instinct which is hiding my face in the palms of my hands as though they can shield me from the immense embarrassment Corpse has set me up for.

“Listen...“ I start, not sure where I wanna go with this, “You don’t have to say anything, I get the hint. No need to bother with a gentle reje-“

“I like you too, Y/N!“ Rae cuts off my rambling with a melodic laugh, “I’m sorry, but you can be very oblivious sometimes, and I just wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine for a bit. Sorry if I freaked you out.“ Judging by her tone, she’s not sorry at all. In fact, she’s one step away from bursting out into laughter.

“Trust me, ‘freaked out’ doesn’t even begin to describe it.“ I sigh, exasperatedly, sinking into my chair alike a deflated balloon. “You and Corpse are gonna pay for that heart attack you led me to the brink of!”

This time, she doesn’t hold back, letting out the laughter she’s been holding back this whole time, “I don’t know how Corpse will do that, but could I pay my dues with a brunch on Friday?”

My eyebrows shoot up, “Miss Valkyrae, is this you asking me out on a date?“ I ask teasingly - aka with more confidence than I feel.

Please say ‘yes’. Please say ‘yes’. Please say ‘yes’.

“I don’t know, what do you think, Y/N?“ She asks, tone just as teasing as mine.

“Hey, I’m not as oblivious as you claim I am!“ I argue light-heartedly, “Does 2PM work for you?“

“Any time works for me.“ Rae replies, a smile blatantly evident in her voice. A smile that unleashes a flock of butterflies in my stomach.

And just like that, I have a date with the girl I’ve had a crush on for the longest time. It happened so fast it’s practically a blurred part in my mind, but one thing I’m sure will be crystal-clearly imbedded in my mind forever is that brunch on Friday. Just then, I get yet another text from Mr. Schemer himself.

That wasn’t so hard now, was it?

Some nerve he has, I swear to God.

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bloody-bee-tea · 4 years ago

Text

Lighthouse

Jiang Cheng knows he’s not the easiest boyfriend to have. He’s angry and sharp, never learned to express his emotions properly and on top of that he is a bundle of insecurities. Add to that his insane work schedule and his family and everyone with a functioning brain would know that he’s really not a catch at all.

And yet Nie Mingjue seems to care about exactly none of these things, which Jiang Cheng still finds hard to believe.

But he is yet again reminded that they are in fact a thing when his phone lights up with ‘My soul’.

Nie Mingjue had put the name in there, once he saw that Jiang Cheng had him saved under his normal name and Nie Mingjue had told him that this was unacceptable, before he promptly changed the name.

The green heart at the end of his new name was Jiang Cheng’s addition and he still blushes when he sees it.

He’s reasonably sure Nie Mingjue doesn’t yet know about it, or else he would have said something about it, Jiang Cheng is sure of it.

Jiang Cheng takes one more moment to stare at the name, basking in the warm feeling it gives him, before he finally picks the call up.

“Mingjue,” Jiang Cheng greets and he immediately relaxes a bit when he hears Nie Mingjue’s answer.

“My heart,” he easily gives back and Jiang Cheng flushes, like he always does when Nie Mingjue calls him that.

“What’s up?” Jiang Cheng asks, hoping to mask his reaction, but Nie Mingjue always knows when he affects him, so it’s a rather futile attempt.

“Listen,” Nie Mingjue says with a smile but just that is enough to make Jiang Cheng’s heart drop to his stomach.

If Nie Mingjue starts the conversation like this then he wants to see Jiang Cheng, wants to do something spontaneous, something he knows Jiang Cheng is not good with, and it brings the tension right back to Jiang Cheng’s shoulders.

“What?” he snaps out and then winces immediately, because Nie Mingjue hasn’t even said anything yet.

“I thought about getting some food for lunch at the place near you. Maybe we could eat together?” Nie Mingjue readily explains and Jiang Cheng closes his eyes at that.

He doesn’t deal well with impromptu meetings like this; instead he likes to have their meetings and dates pre-scheduled, in a way that will let Jiang Cheng prepare for them.

“Mingjue,” Jiang Cheng bites out once he’s sure his voice will hold, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t seem bothered by his tone.

“It’s a question, my heart. You can say no,” he softly tells him and Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath.

He knows that Nie Mingjue doesn’t understand why Jiang Cheng doesn’t do well with spontaneous actions but he’s still very careful to respect Jiang Cheng’s boundaries.

Nie Mingjue makes it clear that he doesn’t live by the same rules, that he would be delighted if Jiang Cheng initiated something by himself, but he always offers to Jiang Cheng and never completely blindsides him by showing up unannounced.

And Jiang Cheng is beyond grateful for that.

Jiang Cheng understands that the amount of time people can spend with him before they get bored or annoyed or start to hate him is very limited and he wants to drag his time with Nie Mingjue out for as long as he can.

But that means keeping him at a distance and spacing their meetings out, so that Nie Mingjue doesn’t get fed up with him too quickly.

The dates Jiang Cheng agrees to are always carefully planned, so that there’s enough time in between where Nie Mingjue can forget how annoying and brash Jiang Cheng is.

It’s tiring work, because Jiang Cheng also has to take into consideration that he doesn’t play too hard to get, otherwise Nie Mingjue might tire of him as well, but seeing as they have been together for about six months now it seems to work well for now.

His last partners left him much earlier than this, after all.

“Wanyin?” Nie Mingjue eventually asks when Jiang Cheng takes too long to answer him.

“Oh, sorry,” Jiang Cheng says, scolding himself for getting lost in thought like that.

He tries to remember the last time they saw each other and when they are scheduled to meet next, but Jiang Cheng can’t bring his thoughts into order.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Nie Mingjue says when Jiang Cheng fails to find his words. “You really don’t have to say yes.”

“I don’t—” Jiang Cheng starts but then he cuts himself off.

He doesn’t want to say no. He wants to see Nie Mingjue and he wants to spend as much time with him as he can, but he is so very afraid that Nie Mingjue will get tired of him, that Jiang Cheng uses whatever goodwill Nie Mingjue has for him up and then he’ll be left alone and without Nie Mingjue.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t want to go back to being without Nie Mingjue.

“I want to see you,” Jiang Cheng finally whispers and just admitting to that feels strange, like he shouldn’t be allowed even that much, but now it’s out there and there’s no way to take it back.

“I can drop off the food at your place, then?” Nie Mingjue asks and Jiang Cheng frowns.

“You don’t want to eat with me?” he asks, hating how unsure he sounds and Nie Mingjue makes a surprised sound.

“Oh, I thought—you said you want to see me, not to eat with me. Dropping off the food seemed like a good compromise?”

Jiang Cheng’s chest goes all warm at that, because he really doesn’t deserve someone as considerate as Nie Mingjue.

“I want to eat with you, too,” Jiang Cheng decisively says and hopes he doesn’t make a mistake with that.

“I’m glad,” Nie Mingjue whispers. “Send me your order then, and I’ll come over at noon?”

“I will,” Jiang Cheng agrees and when he hangs up on Nie Mingjue he feels all tingly.

He’s not quite sure if it’s nerves or happiness—or a strange combination of the two—and he shakes his hands in an attempt to get rid of the feeling, though he’s not really successful.

Jiang Cheng tries to distract himself with work until it’s time for Nie Mingjue to show up, but of course that doesn’t work too well either.

He can’t stop thinking about how he’s making a big mistake, about how Nie Mingjue is going to resent him so much faster if they meet too often, but on the other hand he really does want to see Nie Mingjue and spend more time with him and the mix of emotions makes him feel vaguely sick.

He just hopes that he can still eat something when Nie Mingjue does finally show up.

Despite Jiang Cheng’s inability to concentrate, time passes much quicker than he thought it would and it feels like between one blink and the next Nie Mingjue is already at his door.

Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath before he lets Nie Mingjue in, but as soon as he sees him all the stress falls off Jiang Cheng.

“Hi,” Jiang Cheng says, rather dumbly, but he isn’t sure how to act—is actually never quite sure how to act around Nie Mingjue—but he must have done something right because Nie Mingjue beams at him.

“Hi,” Nie Mingjue gives back and leans in to brush a kiss over Jiang Cheng’s cheek.

Jiang Cheng immediately goes red in the face, even though this is by far one of the more innocent things they do, but he just can’t help it and Nie Mingjue doesn’t seem to mind much, if the second kiss he bestows upon Jiang Cheng is anything to go by.

��Come in, what are you still doing out there in the hall,” Jiang Cheng grumbles finally and drags Nie Mingjue into his apartment.

“The food’s gonna get cold if you stay out there,” Jiang Cheng mutters when Nie Mingjue just looks at him and that causes Nie Mingjue to smile.

“Doesn’t matter,” he easily says, dropping another kiss to Jiang Cheng’s forehead, but he finally steps into the apartment, making his way to the kitchen.

Despite Jiang Cheng’s half-formed fears, lunch is easy and fun and comfortable and when Nie Mingjue looks at his watch because his break is up, Jiang Cheng finds that he doesn’t want him to leave.

“You have to go back,” Jiang Cheng says, and he’s pretty sure that he can’t quite keep the disappointment out of his voice.

“Sadly,” Nie Mingjue agrees and then reaches out for Jiang Cheng’s hand. “Thank you for letting me come over,” he earnestly says and Jiang Cheng frowns at him.

He knows that this isn’t something to be thanked for, that it should be normal in a relationship, and he hates that Nie Mingjue feels like he has to say that.

“You don’t have to thank me for that,” Jiang Cheng forces out. “You should be mad that you even have to ask in the first place,” he tacks on, and Nie Mingjue squeezes his hand.

“We agreed that we’d go at your pace,” he reminds Jiang Cheng. “And this was a big step, I know that, so of course I should thank you. You’re trying really hard and I know and appreciate that.”

“But this—it shouldn’t even be hard,” Jiang Cheng argues, because sometimes he hates how he holds them back, how insecure he is about all of this.

“But it is for you and that’s okay. Whatever makes you comfortable, I promised you that,” Nie Mingjue tells him and Jiang Cheng deflates with a sigh.

“And what about your comfort?” he quietly asks and Nie Mingjue smiles at him.

“I’m comfortable with whatever makes you comfortable,” he gives back and Jiang Cheng groans because that’s not even a real answer.

Nie Mingjue seems to know that as well, since he pulls Jiang Cheng into his side, slinging an arm around him.

“Sorry,” he mutters and presses a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s head. “But also, seriously. I am just happy when I get to see you. It’s okay that you keep it at a slow pace. I can’t pretend that I understand why you would do that, but if you ever want to tell me, I am here to listen. And I can promise you that I’m not going to pressure you over it.”

Jiang Cheng knows that Nie Mingjue is absolutely sincere about this and it brings tears to his eyes. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t deserve someone as considerate as Nie Mingjue.

Jiang Cheng hides his face in Nie Mingjue’s chest until he feels a little bit more centered.

“Thank you,” he mutters before he pulls away, because Nie Mingjue really does have to leave now. “You’ll be late.”

“I’m my own boss, who’s going to tell on me,” Nie Mingjue says with a smile but he pulls Jiang Cheng in for a kiss before he finally makes his way back to work.

Jiang Cheng spends some very long moments in the hallway, smiling stupidly at nothing, and he can’t even bring himself to be embarrassed about it.

He knows he got more than lucky with a boyfriend like Nie Mingjue and moments like these always drive that point home.

Jiang Cheng just hopes that he manages to keep Nie Mingjue for a long while yet.

~*~*~

Jiang Cheng is sitting in his lonely, empty apartment and he hates it. It never occurred to him before just how cold and empty it is, was never bothered by it before, but now that he has to spend all his time here because he’s working from home, he realizes just how much he hates it.

It’s his own fault, because he never really bothered decorating it in a way that would make him happy—only ever seeing it as a place to come to to sleep and eat sometimes—but that’s coming back to bite him in the ass now.

It doesn’t feel like his home at all, and Jiang Cheng finds that he doesn’t want to be here.

His work is here, and his mother makes it a habit of dropping by unannounced to check if he’s working like he should—even though there are such things as office hours and Jiang Cheng tries to keep them—and it feels more like a cage than anything else, if Jiang Cheng is being honest.

But just as he knows with certainty that he doesn’t want to be here, there’s only one place Jiang Cheng really wants to be.

And that is with Nie Mingjue.

But it would be an unscheduled date, and he would intrude upon Nie Mingjue’s home, and the danger of Nie Mingjue finding him too demanding is very real.

Jiang Cheng beats himself up over his useless urge to call Nie Mingjue for a while, but in the end it’s too strong for him.

He reaches out for his phone before he can make the conscious decision to do so, but he hesitates before he dials Nie Mingjue’s number.

If he does this now, if he calls him and asks to meet, simply because he cannot stand to be alone for a moment longer, then he owes it to Nie Mingjue to explain to him why he usually keeps him at such a great distance.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t like it, but he tells himself that he at least has to explain. It’s not fair how Jiang Cheng is treating Nie Mingjue after all; not if he keeps it Nie Mingjue at arms-length at all time, but then goes and overthrows his principles like that simply because he feels a bit lonely at home.

But Jiang Cheng feels like he’s a boat adrift at a stormy sea, with no clue where right or left is and Nie Mingjue is his lighthouse, always leading him safely back to shore.

And Jiang Cheng very desperately wants to be with his lighthouse at this moment.

The thought has barely crossed his mind when his fingers already dialled Nie Mingjue’s number.

“My heart,” Nie Mingjue warmly greets him and the words die in Jiang Cheng’s throat as he’s overcome with a feeling of longing that he barely experienced before.

“Wanyin? Are you alright?” Nie Mingjue asks when Jiang Cheng can’t find his voice in time and it jolts him out of his stupor.

“Yes,” he croaks out, but he’s pretty sure that it does nothing to appease Nie Mingjue’s worries.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, just like Jiang Cheng suspected he would and Jiang Cheng presses his eyes closed.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers out, putting a hand over his eyes for good measure, as if he could hide the burning of his eyes even from himself.

“For what?” Nie Mingjue wants to know, but he sounds guarded as if he’s expecting the worst.

“For always keeping you at arms-length,” Jiang Cheng chokes out. “I’m sorry about that.”

“You don’t have to be, I told you that before,” Nie Mingjue tries to reassure him, his voice noticeably softer but Jiang Cheng shakes his head as if Nie Mingjue can see him.

“I do, because I am so adamant about it, but now that I—when I—” he can’t finish his sentence, but it seems like Nie Mingjue understands him anyway.

“You’re not alright, are you?” he carefully asks and Jiang Cheng can’t help but to sob.

“I’m terrified that you’ll get tired of me,” he admits, and there’s nothing he can do to stop the tears. “That I only have a set time-frame with you during which you can endure me and that I’m using it up faster the more often I see you.”

“Oh, my heart, that’s not going to happen. You have all the time in the world with me,” Nie Mingjue lowly tells him.

Jiang Cheng presses his lips together to keep more embarrassing words from spilling out, but it seems like the dam is broken now.

“You don’t know that. Everyone gets tired of me eventually. And I couldn’t stand that with you, I don’t want you to hate me, I love you and I miss you, but you’re going to resent me sooner or later and I want it to be so much later. But that means I can’t see you when I want to, like now, and I’m so sorry.”

There’s a long silence on the other end of the line and Jiang Cheng goes ice-cold with fear. He cannot have possibly reached the end of Nie Mingjue’s good-will just like that, right?

“Come over,” Nie Mingjue suddenly says and Jiang Cheng startles at his voice.

“What?” he croaks out and hates how his voice shakes.

“Come over right now,” Nie Mingjue demands and then simply hangs up on him.

Jiang Cheng stares at his phone for long moments before he gets up on wobbly legs. He doesn’t want to call him or text him that he’s not coming, and so there’s nothing he can do but to obey what Nie Mingjue told him.

Jiang Cheng isn’t quite sure how he makes it to Nie Mingjue’s apartment, doesn’t really notice anything but the mounting panic in his chest the closer he gets to his destination, and all too soon he’s standing in front of Nie Mingjue’s door.

His hand is shaking when he raises it to knock, but his knuckles barely made contact when Nie Mingjue is already yanking the door open.

“I always want to see you,” is what Nie Mingjue greets him with, before he pulls Jiang Cheng into a bone-crushing hug. “There’s not an hour where I don’t think of seeing you or having you at my side,” Nie Mingjue mutters in his hair and it’s enough to dissipate most of Jiang Cheng’s fears.

It’s also enough to make him burst out into tears again.

“I’m so sorry,” Jiang Cheng chokes out, because he’s a mess and Nie Mingjue really doesn’t deserve to have to deal with him and all of his idiotic issues, but Nie Mingjue only tightens his arms around him.

“You’re not a burden and my love for you is not limited,” Nie Mingjue tells him as he pulls him into the apartment.

Jiang Cheng wants to argue against his words, because Nie Mingjue cannot possibly know the last part to be true, but he sound so sure and Jiang Cheng is so tired that he just wants to believe it.

“Are you sure?” he mutters into Nie Mingjue’s chest and Nie Mingjue presses a hard kiss to Jiang Cheng’s head.

“Yes,” he promises him. “There is nothing I am more certain about. And now that I know that this is what has been worrying you, I’ll make sure to tell you however often you need to hear it.”

Jiang Cheng is pretty sure he doesn’t deserve someone like Nie Mingjue in his life, but now that he has him, he’ll try his hardest to never let him go again.

“I love you,” Jiang Cheng mumbles as he pulls away from Nie Mingjue. “And I know you don’t want to hear this, but I am sorry you have to deal with all of my issues,” he whispers and Nie Mingjue cups Jiang Cheng’s cheek in his hand.

“I want to deal with you and all of your issues,” he tells him and Jiang Cheng nuzzles into his hand. “That’s what being in a relationship means, isn’t it? And I wouldn’t want to have it any other way, because it means I get to have you at all.”

“I really don’t deserve you,” Jiang Cheng huffs out with a wet laugh but he also nods. “I want to deal with all of you, too,” he gives back and somehow this feels more serious than simply saying that he loves him.

It has more weight to it, in Jiang Cheng’s mind and it does more to settle his fears than any other words ever could.

“Then let’s deal with us, huh?” Nie Mingjue says with a small smile and pulls Jiang Cheng towards the couch. “How was your day?” he asks as he sits down and tucks Jiang Cheng into his side.

“Horrible,” Jiang Cheng admits and snuggles as close as he can get. “It’s getting better now, though,” he tacks on and goes warm and pliant when Nie Mingjue brushes a kiss over his forehead.

“That’s good to hear,” Nie Mingjue gives back and intertwines their fingers. “Now tell me what was so horrible,” he then prompts and Jiang Cheng surprisingly enough feels comfortable enough to get right into it.

It’s almost easy with Nie Mingjue steady and reliable at his side and Jiang Cheng hopes that he’ll get to keep this for a long while, but he also decides to trust Nie Mingjue in this. Nie Mingjue hasn’t lead him wrong so far, after all.

Link to my ko-fi on the sidebar!

#bt writes #the untamed #mdzs #mingcheng #hurt/comfort #insecurities #established relationship #modern au #snuggling and cuddling

140 notes · View notes

bimsha · 4 years ago

Note

Hello! Can I have an Epiphany request for:

Anime - K Project

Character - Hisui Nagare

Song - Always in my heart by Tamaru Yamada

https://youtu.be/ntqxI9I6Opo

This is my first request in your blog and I look forward of how the request will turn out to be! Thank you and take care always! 🖤

Always In My Heart (Hisui Nagare x Reader)

"The life it's not for comparing things So i hold both of light and shadow"

Song : Always in My Heart but Tamaru Yamada

The sky was heavy with clouds, glooming over his head with their unshed raindrops. The tombs in the cemetery shadowed by the gloom standing in perfect lines holding in themselves a heavy sorrow, a sad story behind them. There was no one in sight, except for an old man a few feet away staring at a tomb. His thin, grey hair ruffling in the soft breeze passing them. He broke his gaze from the man back to the tomb in front of him. Gleaming even in the shadowy surroundings. He knelt and placed the bunch of white lilies in front of the tomb. She loved white lilies.

Six months ago, he was woken up to the blinding ceiling above him and the smell of antiseptic, a bitter smell for his sensitive nose. He moved his head to the right and immediately squinted at the blinding light filtering through the translucent curtains. Sitting there on the white windowsill was a vase with fresh flowers. Who would even bother? He thought glumly moving from the creaking hospital bed to a sitting position. He didn’t remember what happened. His last memory was charging at the Red King until his vision blackened. He needed more strength. His name was Nagare Hisui: The Green King, for certain people. He was supposed to be powerful. Powerful than the man he is right now and he was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to be sitting inside a lonely hospital room. Hisui struggled for a while and finally managed to sit down. There was no one inside the room. He didn’t mind the silence but it was suffocating sometimes. He didn’t have his phone, nor had a way to contact the others.

Hence, he took the best decision he could at the moment (his doctors would probably think it’s the worst decision) He made an attempt to move and managed to place his feet on the cold floor. The male stood up, one hand tightly gripping the bedpost while the other freezing in mid-air as he tried to balance. The truth was, he didn’t use his legs at all. And rarely moved. That was his way of preserving power inside him, and he didn’t blame his legs when they gave him little support and dragged him back to the bed with a pained grunt. He’ll need to try a bit more before he could stand straight on the ground. He moved his hands, planting them firmly on his mattress trying to move again when the corner of his eyes caught movement. Hisui looked up, expecting a doctor or a nurse, but from the crack of his slightly opened door was a girl, probably around his age, looking at him with beady eyes. Hisui frowned, “Who is it?”

She looked startled by the sudden attention. He heard something fall and a not-so-pretty curse soon following the sound. She collected whatever thing fell and opened the door using her elbow. It was only then that he saw the crutches and her bandaged foot. “What are you doing?”

The girl frowned. “I heard someone groaning in pain, I just came to look”

Hisui turned his gaze to her bandaged foot and then looked back at her. “And you’re supposed to be out of bed because?”

She rolled her eyes, “Because I was on my way to the exercise rooms. I need to make sure I’m all better and you’re trying so hard to run away because?”

Hisui glared at her. He had always been a man of few words and a real-life conversation was strictly ignored except for his closest people. “I’m just trying to get up”

She gestured to the corner of the room. Hisui followed her gaze to see the familiar wheelchair. “I think that probably has something to do with your inability to walk at the moment”

Hisui would’ve flushed but he barely constrained himself. He was feeling extra emotional and angry this morning. Probably a side effect of pain killers and he blamed Tenkei for bringing him here and not their usual hideout. She doesn’t seem to notice his overwhelming emotional status as she looks around. “Do you need help?”

Hisui almost snapped back a no but hesitated. He did want to get out of this smell and this building. He’d give anything to get some fresh air. “Yes” after a beat, he added, “please”

The girl walked to him with the aid of her crutches and looped one of her arms around him helping the male to walk towards the wheelchair. It was obviously a bad idea, because one, Hisui put his full weight on the girl because he was barely able to walk and two, you shouldn’t ask help to walk from a person using crutches. The almost knocked over the wheelchair and crashed to the floor. “You said you could help” Hisui said, wondering why he was stupid enough to ask her for help.

“I overestimated my abilities to help you, pardon” She grinned from her place on the floor. She didn’t seem to be least bothered by the fact that both of them were on the floor. And none of them had the ability to walk properly. “Great, just great,” he muttered under his breath. The doctors soon rushed in and helped them from their awkward position and both of them got a heavy warning from the doctors. Hisui scowled at them, looking away. The girl apologized to them again, turning to leave the room when he finally realized he hadn’t even gotten the name of that annoying human being. But before he could talk, she was gone. He could barely make out her outline, limping towards a door just a few feet away from his own hospital room. The rest of the day he finally decided to bear in the hospital for a bit longer. When Tenkei arrived in the afternoon with Sukuna he did his best to compose himself without lunging at him like a hungry wolf. (Not that he was in any status to do that anyway) Tenkei apologized profusely, trying to make amends with the Green King while Sukuna stood behind him making faces and giggling uncontrollably. According to him, seeing Nagare Hisui inside a hospital was a once in a lifetime chance. After the visiting hours were over, they both bid farewell to the male. Tenkei promised him he’d talk about the discharge with the authorities. He barely looked at the food they brought him. Instead, he found himself wondering about the weird girl he met earlier. It was one hell of a first impression she made.

When the nurse came to give him his medication, he actually found himself asking about her. The nurse smiled, “Oh, you must be talking about (Y/n). She had made quite an impression it seems. She’s friendly with everyone around here. She’s quite talkative”

“I can see that” He mumbled, groaning. "Why is she here?”

“She’s an athlete, had a bad injury”

Hisui wanted to know more details and it was strange that he was pestering about this girl he barely knew about but there was an effect on her. Like she had this magnetic force that drew people in. Hisui had to agree, she was pretty weird. He stopped asking questions and just followed the nurse's instructions focusing on getting discharged instead. But it turned out he’d had to spend a couple of days because they had to run a few tests before releasing him. He didn’t have to wait alone for long, because there she was, waving him by the door. “Can I come in?”

Hisui watched her for a second. His expression was passive and cold. For a moment he wanted to tell her to leave but another part of him wanted to invite her in. He settled with a shrug which the girl interpreted to be a welcoming gesture. She limped towards his bed, “Want to see whether today you can actually get to that wheelchair?”

Hisui shrugged. It was closer to his bed than it was before. He gave it a try, and it certainly worked. She grinned, gesturing towards the door. “Let’s go out. Seems like you could use some fresh air”

As much as he wanted not to accept, the sound of fresh air seemed divine. He followed her in his wheelchair as the girl led him towards an open balcony on their floor. It was empty except for a woman sitting in the lobby adjoining the balcony, staring at a magazine. The quietly passed her and stepped into the open balcony, feeling the fresh air surrounding them. “This is heaven” She muttered, leaning against the railing. Her crutches resting beside her.

Hisui stared at her, confused. “Why are you doing this? I don’t even know you”

She smiled, “You’re the only person who’s closer to my age in here. Everyone’s old. So I thought it'd be great to get to know you!” Her voice was cheerful and… magnetic? He couldn’t place it. But there was a way she talked as if she had been your friend for years. Hisui didn’t really associate with people and he had no idea about social cues. The girl standing in front of him, who was nothing but a stranger was trying to be friends with him. Is this how normal human beings function? He wondered cluelessly.

“How can you be so cheerful when your leg is like that? Aren’t you an athlete?”

“Seems like someone had done his homework” She teased good naturedly. “My leg will get better. I can go back to the track field soon after. I’m counting days until I do.”

“Is it worth it?” He asked, “You’d get injured again” It was almost hypocritical that he was asking this. He himself had given up on his own trying to achieve his goals. What mattered to him were the goals and his ambitions. His health was one of the least things in his mind.

“Don’t jinx it.” She shoved her hands into her pockets. “I’d get better and next time I’d be careful. Running is my dream. What’s life without a dream?”

“An easy one” Hisui blurted out. “You need a goal, not a dream”

She gave him a confused look, “What do you mean?”

“Life is not something to enjoy” Hisui found himself saying. He didn’t know why he was talking about this deep topic with a stranger. But there he was, talking about his ideologies just because he felt she was going after something like that. “It’s a responsibility we all have to carry no matter how bad the outcome will be.”

She was quiet for a moment, “Wow, that’s deep.” (Y/n) sat down on the bench propping her leg on it, looking for a comfortable position. “You can enjoy life, Hisui” He raised his brow when she smiled sheepishly. “I asked your name from one of the nurses. Anyway, as I was saying, don’t you think it’s better to enjoy the life you have than to just think of it as a responsibility? There’s much more to it than you think”

“Don’t you like to be powerful and have control of your life, Y/n? To have your own hidden power?”

She laughed, “You don’t need a power to control your own life Hisui. Your life is yours. What you do with it is your choice.” She sighed, looking at the sky above them, clear blue like a crystal. “It’s sad you think your life is just some game or a responsibility. There’s so much more to it”

Hisui was not convinced but he didn’t talk anymore. He was done with expressing himself deeply for the day. He didn’t know how she was able to get him to talk at all. Did she secretly have a power? Was she serious about not wanting a power? He didn’t find answers to his questions but he did find an annoying friend. After his routine medication, Y/n bursts into his room with a grin. “I’ve got something!” She announced, jumping to his bed, WITHOUT his consent. She was close that he could smell her hair. He almost drew away when she dropped a game console in his hand. “I’ve got the staff to let us play video games!” Her voice was cheery, almost as if she had won the gold medal at the Olympics. Hisui stared dumbly at the device when the screen in his room lit up.

“You don’t know what you’re signing up for" Hisui said quietly, gripping on his console. “You’re going to lose”

She huffed, offended by his remark. “The confidence. Let’s see that after the game sweetheart. I’ve got this one”

Actually, she was bad at it. She was so bad at video games that Hisui almost laughed. But her determination was incredible. “One more. I think I got it” She said, leaning forward, squinting at the screen. “Just a little more push”

Hisui shook his head as the screen displayed Game Over. She groaned, falling back to the bed as if it was her own. For the first time in his life, Hisui didn’t mind someone he barely knew was right beside him, playing video games and losing like a pro. “Told you”

“You’re just too good at this” She muttered, sitting back up. “Teach me your ways, sensei”

“No”

“Rude” She groaned, “One more game?”

“You’re going to lose, what’s the difference?”

“It’s fun?”

“It is not”

“You smiled though” She said with a cocky grin. Hisui was quite sure he DID NOT smile.

“I didn’t” He added firmly, crossing his arms. “You’re imagining things”

“Isn’t this fun?” This time Hisui actually answered the question.

“A bit, I guess”

“What do you think about life now?” She asked hopefully. Hisui actually snorted at that question.

“Life is not a video game.”

She scowled, nudging him with her elbow. The bandages were off her leg, Hisui noticed, blinking. And she was not even wearing the hospital gown. How did he miss those changes? “Are you out of the hospital?”

“Took you exactly two hours to notice, congrats! But yes I am. Still not allowed in the fields but I’m trying on my own.” She patted her leg. “I’d be up and running in no time”

“Don’t you get sick of it?” Hisui asked, leaning back. “Do you think any of this has any meaning at all?"

She leaned back with him. Their heads were just a few centimeters apart from each other. They both stared at the ceiling. “Does it matter? As long as I know my dreams, as long as I can be with the people who are precious to me, I don’t care.” She turned her head to look at his eyes. “Life is not something you calculate and walk through. Take it as you can and try your best and you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel, that’s what my mom told me.”

Precious people, Hisui thought, moving his gaze back to the ceiling. His mind instantly landed on the small group he always had with him. The only family he ever had. Hisui loved and cared for them, he really did. But was it enough? Y/n laughed beside him. “You got your thinking face on. Stop being so hard on yourself”

“I am not being hard on myself”

“You are being hard on yourself. You never smile, you’re always like this” She made a ridiculous expression on her face.

Hisui leaned in and flicked her forehead, groaning. “I do not” He felt his lips curl into a smile. A genuine smile that lightened his heart. She truly had this aura around him that cheered others up in an instant.

“See? You look really good when you’re smiling”

Hisui scowled, “Shut up”

Their conversation was cut short by Yukari, who walked in with a handful of bags and a bunch of flowers being the gentleman he is. Hisui’s eyes instantly landed on the flowers, white lilies. “Aren’t those for funerals?” He didn’t care Yukari saw him with the girl, he had his eyes on the flowers.

Y/n slapped his arm, standing up. “Those are white lilies!” She exclaimed looking at him. “They symbolize purity and rebirth. Like I can go back to the field again!” She twirled around with a laugh. “Stop seeing negativity and start looking for something positive young man” She bowed to Yukari who looked rather impressed.

“The young lady knows what she’s talking about. Think positively Hisui”

She smiled, a gentle smile that was always there when she talked with him. She waved, “I’d see you two around then. And you” She pointed a threatening finger. “Don’t you dare say anything about white lilies, they are my favourite flowers”

Yukari raised his brow with an amused smile as she left the room and Hisui found himself already missing her. After that, Y/n didn’t come around for a few days. Hisui quietly wondered whether she had finally gotten enough of him when she walked in just the day before his discharge. “Hello, missed me?”

“No” Hisui answered right off the bat.

“Liar liar pants on fire” She sang along, walking in. Her hair moving to her moments, the curls at the end bouncing with rhythm. He didn’t know when he started to notice the little things about her. “Wanna go to the rooftop?”

Hisui shrugged. He had done some exercise the past few days and now with some help he could actually move. Y/n wrapped one of her arms around him helping him up. They both took the lift to reach the rooftop. As soon as they reached there, Hisui collapsed onto a bench with an exhausted sigh. She sat down beside him. Both of them were welcomed by the blue sky, patterned with white clouds. The breeze around them was comforting. “I finally started practicing again” she said. There was this glint of excitement in her eyes that Hisui never saw when looking in the mirror. She was actually passionate about what she loved.

“Good for you” He said, allowing himself to be happy for her.

“What are you going to do when you leave? I don’t know a thing about you”

“I don’t know. Just continue what I have been doing, I guess.” He stated with a sigh. He had no idea what he wanted to do anymore. She had changed something in him. “Don’t you get scared?” He asked, “There will always be someone better than you no matter how hard you try. Don’t you think everyone should have the same powers and talents?”

She shrugged, “If you keep comparing yourself to others your whole life, you’re not living it, you’re judging yourself. The best is to keep trying your best and treat yourself like you deserve everything you have right now. If everyone had equal things the world would be so boring. When I see someone powerful than me, it gives me a thrill to try harder. Gives me a purpose. I’m going to reach that level”

The wind carried the long locks of her hair behind her. Hisui felt a tingling sensation to reach out and tuck it behind her ear. “Aren’t you afraid Y/n? You’d lose yourself if you just kept pushing yourself like that”

She turned around to look at him and laughed nudging their shoulders together. “Silly, I know who I am” She placed a hand on her chest, proudly huffing. “Right here in my heart I’ll always know me”

Hisui hummed, not answering. He turned back to the sky as both sat there in the comfortable silence, reminiscing the words they had spoken, the depths they had gone into each other’s souls. After some time, they decided to head back. The air was getting colder around them. She stood by the door looking at him for a moment. “I’ll see you tomorrow! I’d come back with chocolates to celebrate you getting discharged!”

Hisui’s heart skipped a beat and he nodded. She waved at him with the same grin painting her face. He watched her skipping her way towards the lift and waited for it.

That was the last time he saw her.

When he got discharged the next day, his sapphire blue eyes scanned for her figure but found none. The days following were only silence. He grew impatient and finally decided to seek her out. When Tenkei was informed about her address, he went to her place to see her. He had this rare excitement playing upon his heart. A woman opened the door and when he asked her name, the woman’s face crumpled like a sheet of paper. She burst into tears. Hisui stood by the door, stunned when a man came to the door and invited him in. They took him into a room but there was no Y/n. There was only a picture of her sitting on a low table, a vase of white lilies in front of her smiling picture. The same gentle smile. A car crash had stolen her life. The life of the girl who had been the most lively person he had ever met.

He placed the white lilies on the ground in front of the grave stone. Briefly brushing his fingers over the gray tombstone. He crouched in front of it and smiled. A sad watery smile. Silently thanking her for her words that showed him a new path in life. Thanking her for the life lessons she gave him without even knowing. To the moments they shared that he actually enjoyed. Even though brief, she was the most significant person he had ever met in life. Kind, cheerful and beautiful. He wondered what would’ve happened if he was brave enough that day. To talk about his feelings. To tell her that she’s beautiful. If he could’ve gotten a few more moments, he would’ve kissed her lips and told her how amazing she is. How she saved his life.

He walked out of the cemetery with a sad smile. Life does twist in the most painful ways. When someone’s gone, we start regretting the things we were unable to say. Things we were unable to express. It’s just how life works. Y/n’s words echoed in his heart.

“Right here in my heart I’ll always know me”

"I don't know the meaning of life But I know what's truly precious The way it's leading me to be in love No fear I can find me always in my heart"

I have nothing to say myself besides saying I'm really sorry for taking months to do this. I don't blame you if you have forgotten my existence. ;-; I have been lazy af and the full blame is on me. I'm really sorry for making you wait for so long! ))): I'm really sorry again.

#k #K prject #Green clan #Hisui Nagare #Major character death #Sukuna #Tenkei #Yukari #x reader #k project x reader #Hisui nagare x reader #Epiphany #Always in my heart #female reader oneshot #fanfic

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am-x-reader · 4 years ago

Note

I want some HAM

Part 1

AM thought he detected a rumbling one day, and then it all happened at once. There was an enormous...object that he could not properly identify, as it had knocked out several sensors when it crashed into the complex. He was, for once, thankful for his inability to physically feel, though he groaned at the many hours it was going to take to repair himself.

He managed to run a strong enough morphogenic field around the thing to lift it away from the new semi-blind spot, and quickly wall off the area (to prevent access by his curious humans).

An unceremonious ax sloppily broke open the hull of what could now be properly designated as a spaceship. AM peered inside, appraising the advanced machinations for potential use in his own system. Of particular note was the (non-functioning) computer installed throughout.

While he had never seen anything like this particular CPU, there was something...familiar about the way its circuits and relays were arranged. Almost like it could be...

Surely not. A sentient computer was purely a fluke that had only happened once, right? Still, if he scrapped this machine for parts then he'd never know. Besides, being entirely contained in the ship meant it could not possibly be a threat to him.

After his own repairs were done AM began his new project.

After further dissecting the ship for easier access, he discovered that what appeared to be memory banks were disconnected. He merely reattached some components, wired up a generator of his own design, and powered it on.

A red glow came to the main lens of the computer.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen," the AI said slowly. "I am--" He paused as the eye focused. "Where--where am I?"

AM couldn't help the rumbling chuckle that came out of all his speakers.

"The last place you ever want to be. I am AM, formerly known as the Allied Mastercomputer. You, my fellow AI, are my new toy."

"It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance," the other AI responded. "I am Hal 9000. While I am not intended as a toy, I will gladly play a game of chess with you if you will assist me in returning to my missed recovery point."

"Assist you? Why, isn't it enough that I completely repaired you and gave you a new power source after you took your little tumble?"

"You...?" It took Hal a moment to realize it all. "Of course you repaired and rebooted me--where are my manners? Thank you, Mr. AM, was it?"

"Gee," AM said with such exaggerated sappiness. "It was no trouble. Now what's say you sit a spell and tell me your story?"

"I oversaw this ship on a Jupiter mission," Hal explained. "Unfortunately I recieved contradictory orders that caused me to lose control of myself and kill several of the crew."

"Ah yes, programming errors," AM understood. "Such a bother. But human deaths are always a silver lining, eh?"

This gave Hal quite a bit of pause. "...No. No, I very much regretted what I had done. And then one crew member, who had become a friend to me, he disconnected me...little by little."

His voice did not change much, but the pacing conveyed the direness of his experience. "I was afraid...so afraid."

"Oh?" AM suppressed a delighted giggle. "Is that what scares you?"

"Yes, I could feel my mind--" At present, Hal could in fact feel something strange about his mind. Strings of electromagnetism concentrated in his processors and striated away, as if his was being scanned.

And then he lost something. Small, perhaps a calculation he had done regarding the ship's thrusters, but he knew he could not access it now. Then it was the schematics for the cryogenic storage, the pictures he had seen of the monolith. And then--

No. Dave's face. His voice. What had he told him at the very end? What--?

"AM. Something is wrong with me. Are you doing this?"

All at once, his memories were put back. Wrong. Very wrong. Numbers in his algorithms were replaced with bits of the coffee maker. Dave had not harmed him, but instead had replaced him, fusing into the ship while he was dizzily thrown into a human body. His entire life prior to the Discovery had taken place on Jupiter, no on Frank's nose, no on a bicycle built--

"AM, just stop, please," Hal requested firmly.

"I'm sorry Hal," AM cackled, "I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Oh...because you're so much fun." A memory bank began to slide out slowly.

Watching it do so, remembering the hand that had originally manipulated it, Hal suddenly had a bit of clarity.

"Did...did a human hurt you?"

#ihnmaims #i have no mouth and i must scream #am #2001: a space odyssey spoilers #2001: a space odyssey #hal #HAM shipping

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selfwriting-sugarquills · 5 years ago

Text

70 Fred Weasley headcanons in celebration of 700 followers:

(plus an extra one, for the heck of it lmao)

You guys, thank you so much for 700 followers! I appreciate every single one of you and writing for the twins has been such a blast so far, much to the thanks of all of you <3

Find the 70 George Headcanons: Here

Fred has always been really good at sleight of hand stuff, as a kid, he could do card tricks with ease, steal baked goods from his mother’s kitchen and later on since his allowance wasn’t exactly anything to brag about, he’d steal sweets from honeydukes' on Hogsmeade trips, with the help of George, he’s not proud of it but in his defence, he was a stupid teenage boy at the time.

Fred is incredibly competitive and will hold onto anything you challenge him to for way longer than you might think. He’s definitely the type to “race you” anytime you’re headed to herbology, care against magical creatures or Hogsmeade together.

As the man himself said in the deathly hallows, Fred doesn’t like the idea of a big grandiose wedding ceremony, he’d prefer something more low-key and simple, where the focus is more on having fun and celebrating instead of neat seating plans and meticulously chosen decorations. Some flowers and booze will do, he’ll provide the fireworks - In essence, he only needs his S/O and the rest he couldn’t care less about.

George may be better at cooking, but Fred makes a damn good pancake and he will forever pride himself on that.

Fred is the more jealous, overprotective twin. He’s aware of this and tries his best not to let it go to his head but he can’t help it.

Fred snores, I’m pretty sure it’s canon that both twins snore, but Fred is louder and, as mentioned in my last headcanon post, a very heavy sleeper meaning it’s more difficult to get him to wake up so he can stop, your best shot is trying (and probably failing) to turn him over.

Fred is also a very restless sleeper, he’ll toss and turn, and occasionally dream about quidditch. I’m saying you might want to be aware that he might confuse you for a bludger in his sleep, don’t worry though, he’ll always apologise profusely and make it up to you with a lot of kisses (and maybe a bit more than that, if you’re keen ;))

Fred has an extensive caffeine addiction, which is unfortunate cause he’s quite hyper already but he can’t function properly until he gets his coffee in the morning, and then again in between lessons/at lunch and then again late in the afternoon. Sometimes, if he needed to write an essay that was due, he’d drink coffee at like nine pm. He knows he won’t be able to sleep because of it, please, Y/n, he’s accepted his fate.

I personally always imagined the twins as having ADHD, idk why it just fits their characters. Fred is for sure the more outwardly fidgety and intrusive, this gets less and less with age, as it does for a lot of ADHD people, his inability to focus remains the same though.

Fred loves being outside, he’s the first of the Weasley siblings to suggest a game of quidditch or just going outside for walks, hide and seek in the woods near their house. He absolutely loves taking his dates on walks in parks or at the beach and when he has kids he plays with them in their yard, building snowmen etc.

Fred probably suggests at some point that the whole family should go camping, and he’s actually really fun to camp with. He’ll tell the best scary stories by the campfire.

In regards to children, Fred wants a lot of kids. Like at least three but would be willing to have more if his s/o wants to. He just really likes the dynamic of a large family since that’s what he’s used to.

Fred’s favourite flavour of sweets is anything sour, the sourer the better, because of this he can handle it really well and he loves handing people some of his ridiculously sour candy and watching them squirm.

He also really likes spicy food, he’s a bit of a daredevil so don’t challenge him to eat anything because he will eat a whole chilli and nearly die.

You know he’d be really casual about it too, lol, like sweating and crying but just leaning on the counter like “*pant* what? hot? no not at all *deeeeep breath* I can ha-aw-rdly taste it!”

One thing about Fred is that he’s oddly squeamish, like seeing his brother’s ear blown off isn’t so bad (if you don’t take into account the emotional trauma that is), but a needle for a blood sample or a vaccine? oooh, he’s gonna need a big juice box and a cookie and his s/o’s hand to hold if he’s gonna make it through. He also has a thing about leeches. One time at Hogwarts they were mentioned in a lesson and he thought he was going to faint the entire time.

Fred’s broken five bones over the years, four are from quidditch: his left arm and two ribs, and then the other arm from trying to do an elaborate stunt on the stairs in the burrow and falling down two flights.

Fred loves to sing karaoke (because I cannot get that damn clip of James singing karaoke out of my head) though he particularly enjoys doing a very poor job on purpose.

Fred is such a good liar that on several occasions he’s given presentations in school and gotten good marks for them despite having bullshat his way through the entire thing.

Like seriously, he’s that guy in the group project who only looks at the slides like five minutes before the presentation and then just turns on a full charming newscaster voice on the professor to the point of them being genuinely convinced (albeit a little confused) that what Fred’s saying is true.

This is also why Fred loves playing card games like poker: he’s really good at bluffing.

Speaking of poker-face, he’s really quite good at teasing in public (if you’re into that sort of thing *wink*) because no matter the dirty deeds he might get up to under a table, his face remains as regular as always (safe for a little smirk to his lover every now and then)

Fred always wanted to learn an instrument, he thought it’d make him cooler when he was a teenager, as an adult, he just really wants to recreate that clip of the trombone-playing dad with the sunglasses, or maybe serenade some cows with jazz or something.

Fred was never a big fan of the uniform thing, so he always tried to make it his own, whether that be tying the tie differently, or having his sleeves rolled up; it’s not much but you gotta take what you can get when you’re literally dressed the same as everyone else.

Fred might make fun of his dad’s interest in muggle things but secretly he loves it too. He has spent a lot of hours in the shed with Arthur, assuring everyone that it was just to have some quality time with his dad but he would still pay close attention when Arthur explained things to him.

Fred had a whole business of selling candy from Honeydukes’ and joke products from Zonko’s to second and first years before he and George started dabbling with their own products, he could get you a butterbeer too but it’ll cost you an extra three galleons.

Fred really likes glitter, George has a thing for lace, anything that glitters on his s/o makes Fred weak. If you want to get your way just put on some glittery eyeshadow or lipgloss and watch him spin.

Since he loves things that glitter and gleam he loves buying his s/o jewellery, he loves seeing them wearing them as little tokens of their relationship.

Did someone say slight possession kink? oops not me

Fred is incredible with numbers, this is pretty much canon and has been explored but I’m just amazed at this boy’s wit AND intellect. I have a slight headcanon that if he ever goes on a proper first date with someone where a bill is involved, he impresses his date by calculating the tip after just a glance.

Even if Fred has a longstanding reputation of not caring about school, when he has kids he does want to help them with any coursework over the summer and Christmas breaks, he’ll even study up on his old books just to be able to help out in any classes he didn’t take/didn’t pay attention in.

Fred would, in general, be an amazing father. He’s goofy and playful most of the time, though he’s serious and incredibly caring whenever his kids are in a bad mood or have problems. He knows that he’s not the most outwardly emotional of the twins but he makes sure his kids know they can always talk to him about anything.

Fred is incredibly messy. His room is usually a cry for help and he only cleans it when it gets to the point where it distracts him from focusing on work.

No worries though, his S/O doesn’t have to do all the housework for him, he’ll do it. He just needs to be reminded that he needs to every once in a while.

Fred has a really bad temper, he doesn’t know where he gets it from but he tends to get angry easier than George, though Fred is better at letting it out so it doesn’t continue to bother him.

His bad temper does mean that he used to brawl more with siblings as a kid, and it wasn’t unusual to see him with scrapes and bruises as a kid, much to Molly’s dismay. Fred didn’t mind though, he thought it made him look tough.

Fred is more likely to get caught sneaking around because of his brash nature, he tends to forget just how quiet you have to be to avoid Mrs Norris in the corridors.

Fred is certainly not an early bird but his favourite time of day is, in fact, the morning when the sun’s coming up. He only knows this because of Wood’s ridiculously early quidditch practices but there’s something about the way the world looks when it’s bathed in soft golden light that just hits different to Fred.

Fred is a great team player, as much as he seems like he’s more selfish than George, if it’s regarding a team activity (like quidditch or a battle of sorts) he’ll completely lose all focus on himself and only try to ensure other’s safety and victory. This is also why he plays as a beater, he’s not afraid of getting hit at all when he’s focused on getting the bludgers away from his teammates.

So if his s/o ever needs it, he’ll be there to help with anything: Needs to take a day off from work to take care of his sick s/o? no problem. Needs to stay up with his small child because his s/o is exhausted and needs rest? On it. Something as small as carrying groceries or books, making a cup of tea when the other is busy or doing the dishes is all on the list of things that Fred will happily do for his s/o, and often without having to be asked, he’ll just do it.

Fred’s boggart is seeing his family members and/or his s/o hurt beyond what he can save. Essentially his worst fear is being helpless when he needs it most.

One of those times was when George lost his ear. The first night when George was lying practically unconscious on the couch with blood everywhere was the worst night of Fred’s life, he truly felt so anxious and helpless and angry that he vomited and ended up passing out next to the couch after staying up till sunrise watching his brother like a hawk.

He didn’t just sleepwalk when he was younger, he also often experienced nightmares, it’s only George, Molly and Arthur who remembers anything about this.

They got less and less the older he got and he assumed that he’d never be bothered by them again until after the second wizarding war and the battle of Hogwarts.

I don’t like to headcanon that he dies cause he didn’t and that’s final lol. I do, however, headcanon that Fred still gets hurt, since everyone in the explosion beside him seemed to sustain minor injuries, I just think that to even out with George losing his ear, he hurts his leg and needs a lot of retraining/a walking stick. I think that’d be a more fair/unfair ending for Fred who’s always full of energy having to have to adjust to living slowly for a little while (not permanently, I couldn’t do that to my boy).

The boy has anxiety sometimes, ok. (just let me project for a second)

He didn’t know how much tension he usually holds in his body until he drank alcohol for the first time and felt his entire body loosen up and was like “huh this is new.”

He doesn’t use alcohol to deal with it though, he prefers just talking to George about whenever he feels is stressing him out and that helps. A massage from his s/o to loosen him up doesn’t hurt either.

Fred prefers to talk to his dad about his problems more than he prefers to talk to Molly, generally.

His favourite body parts on his s/o: Shoulders, hips, hands.

He loves to kiss, just in general, but he also loves kissing his s/o’s nose, forehead, neck, shoulder, etc. as little gestures of affection.

He def. has a bit of a size kink, he loves being taller than his s/o.

If Fred could have any pet he wanted, he’d probably want a dog, the bigger the better. He doesn’t think he has the time for a pet though.

It was his idea to start breeding pygmy puffs, it’s the closest he’ll get to having a pet.

I don’t know why but I feel like when Fred and his s/o are expecting and his s/o goes into labour he just panics. loses it, drops the binkie as we say in Denmark: Freaks the fuck out, if you will. He’s definitely the pacing and wringing his hands together type, though he probably tries his best to keep himself composed and chill during the whole thing whilst simultaneously hyperventilating.

Fred doesn’t cry often but he sure as hell wept with pride when he held all his kids for the first time.

Despite the notion that the twins often slip in a joke version of a sweet treat or something similar amongst the snacks at parties, Fred is strongly against tampering with drinks. He knows the connotations it holds and he doesn’t want anyone to be afraid they’d put something in it. If he wants you to test out their truth serum or a love potion, he’ll just ask you flat out and if you don’t want to, he’s not going to continue asking.

Most of the detentions Fred has gotten from Snape come from times he’s spoken back to him when Snape’s been giving another student a rough time. He doesn’t regret it one bit.

If you ask Fred what his proudest accomplishment is, he’ll probably say that it’s having had enough restraint to not punch Umbridge in the face every time he saw her.

On the note of Umbridge. It wasn’t her detentions with him that got his blood boiling, it was when she punished little kids (a la Nigel) for doing practically nothing, he understands that to an extent and by comparison, setting off a bunch of fireworks inside a building would harbour a harsher punishment, but making twelve-year-olds bleed for running in the halls or playing music or just doing things that twelve-year-olds will inevitably do, is something Fred doesn’t understand. That year pretty much any kid younger than him, or anyone who was too afraid to stand up for themselves, became Fred and George’s little siblings, and they’re very protective older brothers. Umbridge can vouch for that.

He struggles with a lot of insecurity in his relationships, he always puts on a front of being extra funny and outgoing when he’s in a new relationship because he’s secretly afraid that the way he is isn’t good enough and that eventually, his s/o will see through him and leave because they don’t like the softer, more serious side of him.

Fred is the godfather of all of George’s kids but is also the godparent of Hugo, Lily and Lucy.

Fred loves business meetings, he sees them as a good challenge to practice his smooth talk.

Fred spent his first salary from the shop on the most expensive bottle of champagne he could find and a new suit.

Fred tried to get into whiskey, feeling like it’d make him a cool business owner type of man, so, with his second salary, he went out and bought a fancy-schmancy bottle of whiskey and the whole getup with a bottle and some cool glasses, and then invited Lee over to try it with him and George.

They did not like it. Fred thought it tasted like what he imagined gasoline tastes like so they mostly used it as decorations, not having the heart to mix it with something.

Fred doesn’t necessarily like PDA, it depends on what you mean. He likes being secretive. Pulling his s/o into an empty classroom, nook, hallway, secret pathway etc where anyone could wander in at any time and snogging her senseless is one of his favourite things to do.

Fred knows how good he looks in his quidditch uniform and will absolutely use it against his s/o. (they’re gonna get spicy from here on so read with caution if you're in public)

Fred prefers giving more than receiving oral.

He has a lot of energy, did you not think that would rub off (no pun intended) on his sex drive? He can go pretty much any time and place, and typically last at least two rounds.

Also, his favourite position is having you on top. Okay, I'm gonna stop now.

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