#i'll be real....! fandom has not been fun for me lately.

[honeydots]

weirdly late to post this i know but if it hasn't been clear im trying to rly limit my social media intake so im not gonna be on as much...!

[missingn000]

a note about tpg's hiatus

hi everyone!! i've missed y'all <33 i want to share a quick note on tpg's hiatus, and how long it will last.

first and foremost, the tl;dr: i will not abandon tpg. the story remains incredibly important to me, and this hiatus is only that: a hiatus. i will return eventually, and while i am not exactly sure when "eventually" is, i hope to begin updating again soon.

now the long explanation. tpg's hiatus has lasted much, much longer than i expected. it wasn't until i took a break that i realized how mentally and emotionally drained i was after writing 600k+ in 2 years, along with being an engineering master's student then starting a job in aerospace. especially after writing sukuna's backstory (75k+ words in one month), my brain was utterly fried. all in all, it's been a lot.

as some of you may know, i started watching one piece in september. and i love it! it's an incredibly fun, well-written feel-good series. it's been a refreshing mental break to engage with a new series, especially since jjk canon has been so disappointing in both content and writing quality. 

if you check my ao3, you'll notice i took a break from jjk with other series in the past: namely dr. stone, sxf, and natsume yuujinchou. this is necessary for me to remain creative and explore narrative themes that i bring back to tpg when i return to it. but by the time my recent hiatus started, it had been well over a year since i engaged with any other series than jjk, and it was starting to take its toll on me. i'm almost caught up on one piece now, which means i'll be able to focus on tpg again soon.

when i return from tpg's hiatus, updates may be slower. releasing 15k+ word chapters every 2-4 weeks was incredibly mentally taxing and required much of my time and focus to constantly be on the story. it wasn't healthy, and other areas of my life were impacted negatively. it can be easy to forget that i'm a real person with real-life responsibilities writing this story in my spare time for free -- even i sometimes forgot this. 

another note on why taking a break has been so necessary is my mental health. when season 2 released and toji + satosugu was animated, the fandom exploded and tpg's readership drastically increased. while this meant an influx of amazing love and support, i also started to receive rude and hateful comments and messages.

don't get me wrong: not everyone has to like tpg. that's totally fine! but as a very sensitive person, receiving hate took a huge toll on my mental health and motivation, and i have needed time to recover from it. i've been doing better mentally lately, and have taken some measures to reduce unkind interactions. i'm working on becoming less sensitive in the meantime so i can handle it better if/when it happens again.

since i've been feeling guilty about not posting jjk content, i haven't been on tumblr quite as much, but i'm still around online on both discord and instagram. mutuals can request my priv @chiidoriii on IG, and my discord is @MissingN000 -- just shoot me a message with who you are when you request! i'll still post fic updates on both new stories as well as tpg content and previews on tumblr, so please stick around :)

thank you so much for your patience with me! i love you all so much, and truly appreciate your support. love, chi <333

[illusioncanthurtme--art]

Lil general update about me:

I've been so so happy and grateful for the people who like the gravity falls stuff I've been posting. Being totally honest, and I'm not exaggerating at all, thinking about gravity falls and playing it in the background while I work has been my lifeline this past week. And it's almost overwhelming, because I'm so excited about everything, and I have so many drawing ideas, but I don't have the time to actually follow through with them. It makes me a little sad, and it's a silly thing to get anxiety over. I mean, it would be really nice to make all these drawings when the fandom is booming and a lot of people are going to see them, right?? I wanna strike when the irons hot. It's fun. But I can't really do that right now. Instead, I have all these feelings and emotions and ideas, and in my head, I'm like, you need to CREATE to get all this out of you!! But I can't. It honestly makes me a little melancholy. I feel like this:

Commissions aside, one of my cats is having health problems and I've been frantically calling around to find someone who can help her asap. I'm feeling very hopeful about things now, as I write this, because I got an earlier surgery scheduled for her, AND I actually saw her eat tonight. Which is crazy. And on top of that, I'm leaving town this weekend for a convention I'll be tabling at. So it doesn't leave much time for drawing the fun gravity falls stuff that exists in my brain :(

I feel its necessary to say this, because I've received a LOT of asks, WAY more than I'm used to, and everyone is really kind and receptive to the stuff I've shared so far!! And I don't want them to think that I'm actively ignoring them. I'm not. I'm just going through a lot atm, and my everyday todo list has been very long lately. I want to give those asks proper answers!! And weirdly, I compensate for my lack of time to do this stuff by like, thinking about answering the asks, and what I'll say. it's silly. I wanna make stuff to share with you guys, but I can't dish out the five hundred page webcomic that I'd like to make. At least not right now. I hope this GF resurgence lasts a while, because I'd really like to make a whole lot of stuff.

Maybe I'll respond to a couple real quick before bed.

[hyperfixationstation128]

I'm sure this has been said before, but I'm of the opinion that Gale didn't love Mystra. Not really, anyway.

"But, Hyper!" You cry, "He tells the player flat out that he was in love with her! What are you talking about?"

Well, allow me to shed a little light on what it is I mean.

It's pretty much unanimously agreed within the fandom that Gale is Autistic, which I find awesome. He's such a great source of representation for those of us who've been through similar experiences and relate to his personality. Those of us with Autism know the frustration of being portrayed as "the weird kid", "the manic pixie dream girl" or even as non-verbal people with a propensity towards violence with our meltdowns. Fun fact: not every person with Autism has "violent meltdowns", some of us go through what's called a shutdown, where we become non-verbal, secluded and kinda "stop working".

"Okay, okay, that's cool and all, but what do you mean by Gale didn't love Mystra?"

I applaud your enthusiasm and am going to explain now. As someone with Autism, someone who's been researching the topic for years, and someone with immediate family members who are on vastly different sides of the spectrum, I can say with about 95% confidence that Gale did not love Mystra... not for real, anyway. He had what is called "Limerence".

Well, why don't we turn to the internet to look up the definition of the word. "Limerence is a psychological state characterized by an intense, all-consuming romantic infatuation. It is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which an individual feels an overwhelming desire for another person, known as the “limerent object.” This state was first defined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s."

Now, the act of limerence is completely involuntary and could happen to anyone, neurodivergent or neurotypical! However, based on anecdotal evidence, it appears to affect women with Autism more than anyone else. When you experience limerence with someone, they become everything to you. You are completely obsessed with them, they can do no wrong in your eyes, they are everything to you.

Sound familiar? The way Gale describes how he viewed Mystra is unmistakably Limerence, at least in my opinion. And if you aren't convinced, allow me to be vulnerable for a minute and share a personal story on my experience with Limerence.

I was about 12 or 13 when I first met my friend, let's call her Tina. Now, Tina was that one girl in school who loved anime, played the violin, and made incredible art. From the first moment I met her, I was smitten. And this went far beyond a normal teenage crush. I was obsessed with her, her opinion, her tastes, her likes and dislikes. I was so in love (I thought) that once stole my late grandmother's wedding ring and gifted it to her. I devoted every breath in my body to her, every fiber of my being. We were friends for years and even dated for a while. In my mind, we were meant to be. We got along great, she was funny, silly, and so incredibly talented. What I didn't know - or maybe didn't want to believe - was she didn't feel the same way.

"But, Hyper! Isn't that just unrequited love?" No, dear reader... 'tis not. Limerence is not love, no matter how much you may want it to be; no matter how deep your feelings feel like they are. Limerence is an unhealthy obsession and there is typically very little one can do to sway oneself from their "object of desire". In the mind of the person with Limerence, there's nothing else in the world except the person they're obsessing over.

Now, there are three stages to Limerence: Infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration, which all seem pretty self-explanatory, but I'll explain further for those of you who don't know.

Infatuation: The first time you notice the other person's positive qualities. Their eyes, their smile, their abilities/talents.

Crystallization: The "obsessive" part of the act. Where you feel a heightened sense of anxiety, walking on eggshells to avoid any "turn-offs" around the other person. You may find yourself thinking about them to the point where it's affecting your normal, daily life.

Deterioration: When the intensity of your feelings begin to wane, and you no longer find yourself attracted to or wanting the attention of the person you were pursuing. In my experience, this is the worst part of Limerence as it usually blew up in my face.

Now, you may be thinking something along the lines of "Okay, but how does this relate to Gale?" or "Are you trying to imply that Gale was abusive towards Mystra? That's ridiculous and you suck!!!" and you're right. I do suck. But I'm not implying that Gale was abusive towards Mystra. Given the fact that she's a literal goddess, it's impossible for that to have happened. What I'm implying is that how Gale viewed Mystra for the time that he was with her was not genuine, true love like how he has with Tav.

This post got way longer than I originally anticipated and I'd love to write a full-length essay on this someday, but I feel I've assaulted y'all's brains with enough jargon for now. If you guy wanna hear more of my thoughts on this particular subject, I'd be more than happy to oblige.

Please feel free to keep the discussion going in the comments or your own post! I adore Gale and discussing things like these regarding his character and personality is my bread and damn butter.

[xxswagcorexx]

the swagcore fic archives will become real in 5:

anyways, hi, i write too much fanfic, but a lot of it is on anon. i know a lot of people go to me for fic recs (you can see a post with More fic recs here) and i'm happy enough with my fics to recommend them to people :) also for funsies i'm gonna put small author's notes after each entry!

the stuff with my name on it:

Swap by cherubium and swagcore

[CLICK] [Jaron]: Statement of Ash…Swag, regarding events surrounding his husband, Red Doons. Statement recorded live from subject on April 4th, 2023, recording by Jaron Yeager from the LIFE Insitute, London,...Ohio. Statement begins. [Ash]: Are you seriously gonna be recording on that? or: a fic written for day 2 of roses and smoke week, swap/horror.

A/N: a collab fic I did with the lovely cherny! all i'll say is that we might have lied a little bit in the beginning notes. heh.

the sleep buoyancy investigation by swagcore

While Fundy walks around his street, he notices an odd poster about researching dreams. Having weird dreams all of his life and with nothing else to do, Fundy grabs the contact information and heads to the address. What possibly could go wrong? - "the sleep buoyancy investigation" is an experimental fic made with Twine. This fic is based on the Stargate Project, a now-defunct project by the CIA to study psychics. Word Count: ~3k

A/N: this fic was so so fun to do. my god. it really gave me my first taste of really experimental fics and that is something i've been playing around with! i do have an idea in mind for another fic like this (which is one of the first fic ideas i had when going into the lifesteal fandom) so! i'm excited for when i actually put my head down and write it!!!

from a windowsill by swagcore

It’s a cold night tonight. As Pearl stares out to the moon, feeling the wind through the tower’s rafters and the howls of the hound army roar from below her, she squints her eyes. There’s supposed to be a blood moon tonight. or: it's late at night, and pearl has some thoughts about the blood moon (and herself)

A/N: i'm going to be real, i'm a dl!pearl sleeper agent. i love her so much and her character is sooooo....*dies*.......she makes me ill!

late night break-ins and henna by swagcore

Ash visits Soc Inc. at the very normal hour of 3 AM on Christmas to give Red a Christmas present.

A/N: fun fact, i wrote most of this on an ipad at one of those friend reunions my dad had with his friends 💀 we were like 8 hours away from our house so i couldn't exactly leave so while on vc with my good friend toast we worked on fics together LOL she's actually the one who came up with the water bottle thing. it was awesome

misc collabs i did:

insufferable hand in insufferable hand by Anonymous

ashswag and reddoons get married in a very thought out, entirely sound plan.

A/N: this was a collab wiith np13, who you might know from "all of the roads led to you". it was actually working on this fic at first, i mentioned wanting to write a swagdoons divorce fic, and it brought me on the team to work on this one. this fic was so silly to work on and i had a great time writing it!!!

the various anon fics i have written:

one and a half cups of stout by Anonymous

Bdubs and Etho leave a party and are now burdened with the task of grocery shopping for cake ingredients. - (or: etho drags bdubs to his apartment so they can bake together)

A/N: god this fic was so fun and fluffy to write. i love baking in general, and the amount of detail i managed to put into this fic and how cozy-feeling it is is something i'm really proud of. fun fact, it's my most viewed and kudosed fic of all time, as well as the first fic i felt really, really proud of!

pommes voyage by Anonymous

headcanon that ren started making potatoes like crazy, like to the amount doc started to check up on him - originally a post meant for tumblr

A/N: this fic was really fun to write as well. it was supposed to be a tumblr post, but i got really carried away (and when i sent a screenshot of it into a gc my friend replied with "that is terrifying", and i decided to leave it as a standalone fic instead of a post) and it's a fun fic to read, methinks

and maybe, you'll find peace in the sun by Anonymous

During the time [x] escapes prison for the dozenth time, [s]he takes a quick detour to pick up some supplies. or: [x] finds an unguarded house in the woods, stealing ingredients so [s]he can make some stew

A/N: alright so, as a disclaimer, this was a fic written before ivorycello transitioned, but for archival purposes, i haven't changed it. for this post, i've made it clear what part i've changed. i'm still proud of this fic, in general, and ivory has since said that her past persona doesn't bother her anymore, so that's why i've included it here. once again though, read with those warnings in mind

the sun vanished by Anonymous

The stars revolve around Planet. It's their little secret, and most don't know enough about the stars to be able to notice. That's why, when they got banned, no one noticed that the sun vanished.

A/N: my first lifesteal fic! i really, really like the ideas in this fic and how i've conveyed them. fun fact i wrote most of this while in the car from homecoming--but i'm really proud with what i managed to beat out considering ost of it was written in a car backseat

dust by Anonymous

After winning Double Life, Pearl has some thoughts about the end of the world while looking at the death menu.

A/N: this fic is AWESOME i love minecraft death screens and like i said before, i'm a dl!pearl enjoyer to the MAX. it's also the first fic i ever had translated, and it was such a nice surprise to see it was translated in my email inbox that morning <3

jackalope by Anonymous

have you heard the myth of the jackalope? (of course you have. who am i kidding.) --- or: a character study on rekrap, as told by the myth of the jackalope

A/N: this was originally for a comic that was, looking back, wayyy too ambitious for my art skill level LOL. i've been brewing it in my brain for a while (hell, even my english teacher at the time looked over at it), and i still find it fun to read. once again, experimental fics ftw!

take your time, we've got all night by Anonymous

It’s rare to find quiet moments like this–moments safe enough for Ash and Red to get some sleep without either of them going on looking shifts. It’s a luxury in the apocalypse. And yet Red still couldn’t get his mind to shut up and let him sleep. Great. or: red can't sleep during the apocalypse. he wakes ash up and both of them spend the night talking about their pasts.

A/N: i'm already a huge sap in the notes, but this is, arguably, one of the most important fics i've ever written. for context, i wrote this while i was really down due to my entire family but me getting covid right before my finals and our winter vacation, so that left me alone in my room for 2 weeks. i was really down, especially since i couldn't spend christmas with my family as a result. however, writing this gave me something to pass the time, and the reception on it when i posted during a dark time in my life really helped. it's also the first swagdoons fic i've ever posted, so there's that too :) also, one of the comments of someone going back to read it a few months later also came while i was in a rough patch, so that really helped <3

four of a kind by Anonymous

Ash, Branzy, Clown, and Red close up the casino for the week.

A/N: first of, CASINOQUARTETCASINOQUARTETCASINOQUARTET- and fun fact, this is one of the first fics written after casino quartet first became a Concept (which. considering i first came up w/ the concept in the swagdoons server is. Yeah <- ill) so that's rlly fun to see how big casino quartet has become considering i see it in random places now LOL

l'appel du vide by Anonymous

If there’s anyone that knows Death, it’s him. or: sven escapes death, and still feels the void linger around him. and he has some thoughts about it.

A/N: i loveeeee minecraft death mechanics holy moly....anyways yeah this fic was so fun to write and the concepts are *chefs kiss*. it's also the first fic in the kenadian fandom tag so there's that too!

5 years, eleven months, and seventeen days by Anonymous

It's been 5 years, 11 months, and 17 days since they went missing. or: laurance is still investigating his friends' disappearances. even after all of this time. (he can't seem to move on, can he?)

A/N: this fic was a gift for my bestest friend ever :3 i'm going to be real it's been like, 6+ years since i watched mystreet but my friend reminded me of how fucked it was and i felt really included to write this. i loveeee fucked up implications in fiction!!!

jenga tower by Anonymous

"Dude-" Ash says through a wheezed breath, "Do you think this a little much?" Clown hums, "Mmm, no. I think you're just fineee." "Exactly," Red chimes in, definitely not helping the 'hey wouldn't it be funny if we all laid on Ash?' cause. or: casino quartet turn into a human jenga tower. for roses and smoke week, free day

A/N: once again. casino quartet brainworms strike again. i think this is the only fic i finished in time for the first roses and smoke week LOL. it's very fluffy and i still think it holds up. yeah they'd be Like That

what's the point of living if you can't die with someone else, huh? by Anonymous

"you mentioned about me going back home, right?" ash nods, eyebrow raised with suspicion. "well," red starts, "i think i said this last season: 'what's the point of living if you can't die with someone else?'" red gets up from the floor, "and you haven't used your god powers much," he says as he offers ash a hand to get off the floor. "dude." ash can exactly see what red's asking. or: alternatively titled: who knew killing your bestie with god powers could be so affectionate?

A/N: i love love love sappy swagdoons so much. this fic was so fun to write all of their memories and stuff. i love them so much i want to pinch both of their cheeks so bad!!! <333

a late night conversation about a stolen horse (and a few other things) by Anonymous

Red's going out for a supply run, and runs into Ash. They have a conversation about a stolen horse (and a few other things).

A/N: once again, sappy swagdoons. i love them so much. i'm going to be real a lot of this was inspired by this one survival guide book that i've had for literal years. i've kept it with me for fic purposes but when i was little i did read through it out of boredom so i do have a little bit of knowledge, which inspired this fic LOL

the thing about ash: by Anonymous

A glitch (as defined by Wikipedia) is a short-lived fault in a system, such as a transient fault that corrects itself, making it difficult to troubleshoot. In an article by Alex Pieschel, Pieschel writes that a "'glitch' suggests something more mysterious and unknowable inflicted by surprise inputs or stuff outside the realm of code." (or: ash, as told in the very nature of himself and what makes him, him.

A/N: okay i'm going to be real this is one of those fics that i'm 90% sure i was struck down by god to have a vision for this fic. i'm really proud with how deep i made the metaphor and it's one of the fics i'm most proud of :) it's awesome

mors mihi lucrum by Anonymous

"death to me is reward" is it really? (or: zolister has some thoughts about the trophy room)

A/N: this fic was so so fun to write. if you haven't noticed already, death in minecraft is one of my favorite things to explore and that showtime smp video activated a nueron in my brain when i watched it. i love death in mc so so much <3

Ashswag's 3-step, very simple plan, to survive the Genesis SMP by Anonymous

Exactly what it says on the tin.

A/N: this is another one of my "hcs into a fic" fics, and it's really fun! i'm going to be real, i still don't know much about ultrakill but i fuck with the aesthetic hard. that clair de lune level is so pretty....

in another universe: by Anonymous

things would have ended differently. (an experimental webweave done on ao3)

A/N: this fic was SOOOOO fun to do. i've always wished for webweaving to be more of a thing outside of tumblr, so this is an experiment into other options! it's so awesome i love experimenting with fanfiction...

the best of the best, you'll die like the rest by Anonymous

Agent Rek Rap II, an ex-agent trying to enjoy his life in early retirement. Or well, he was trying too. He gets invited to a concert by a familiar name. (He already knows how this is going to end.)

A/N: this fic turned out so well. i had a general vibe and i RAN with it. it was so fun to write, and hopefully, it's a fun read if you also like spy stuff!!!

homemade comforts by Anonymous

If Red was being honest, he reveled in moments like this. Moments when Ash and he were far away from all of the violence, all of the responsibilities, and away from any prying eyes around them. Just Ash and Red, cooking together in their shitty little kitchenette that only fits two people.

A/N: this fic was so so fun to write. i'm going to be real, it was supposed to be part of another fic where it showed swagdoons across servers but i decided to make it a standalone. i love cooking together with people so much, and hopefully this fic conveys that :)

it’s no big deal (that i love you) by Anonymous

Sometimes Ash understands people when they call him and Red a couple. They are partners, in a sense, but not in that way. After all, when you’ve spent so long as enemies, survivalists, comrades, even, you notice a lot about the other person. From tracking down Red’s movements to stealing that stupid bell from Capital City, to pressing down on wounds and praying it didn’t get infected, they’ve been through everything. Been through the happy, sad, and angry tears together, and everything else in-between. But of course, everything they did had to be a business deal—a private agreement between just both of them. or: ashswag has some thoughts about red while they fall asleep together (ft. swagdoons qpr)

A/N: once again. sappy swagdoons. because i am predictable. this fic is so fluffy, and i'm so proud with how deep the metaphor is and how soft and fluffy everything is. qpr swagdoons ftw!!!

fallin' in love by Anonymous

Ash and Red go to a pumpkin patch on their day off.

A/N: more fluff. i love them so much. i love fall vibes and pumpkin patches so this fic was me putting all of the fall vibes i could into this fic. so glad it's going to get cooler where i live now LOL

...and, scene by Anonymous

kenadian, the train escape, and the fourth wall. ...and all of the horrific implications that come alongside it.

A/N: this was written as a spirtual successor to my prev. fic about sven. it was so fun, and fun fact, it's the first fic in the kenadian character tag! yippee!!!

world is mine! by Anonymous

In a sleep-deprived move, Minecraft player Ashswag decided that making a Hatsune Miku cosplay would compliment his entire God shtick perfectly. or: ash becomes swagsune ashu

A/N: this fic was mostly written for shits and giggles, but although i haven't have much time for it, cosplay is something that's so dear to me <3 i love the craftsmanship that does into it!!! and the community is so kind <3

go to the end with me, my lover by Anonymous

“Hey Ash? I…want you to come here and take a look.” Red says warily. Ash quietly follows Red ahead. He climbs over the rubble Red is looking out on and— Oh. It was their wedding venue.

A/N: fun fact: i first heard of this song in class when someone showed me the mv after school and um. well let's say i shed a few tears. god if you haven't watched the love wins all mv, please do. it's so well done <3 also in general SWAGDOONS WEDDING LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO (ignore the angst)

it takes two to tango, but somebody has to lead by Anonymous

The tango is a dance that requires someone to lead, and a partner willing to follow them. (or, swagdoons through the ages)

A/N: this was so fun. i love writing in different formats!!! also it being experimental is AWESOME i love playing around w/ language :3 also i love acherswan so so much so that was also a bonus!!!

developments by Anonymous

A group photo of the Hemlock family and staff. Absolutely nothing goes wrong.

A/N: i love photography so much, esp as someone with terrible memory. i've been having fun exploring it in fics recently so yeah!!! also the first fic in the whitepine tag #awesome

memento by Anonymous

“You have a pretty face,” Red says out loud without thinking. Ash stops in his tracks, whipping his head back to stare back at Red. “I—What?” “Ah. Um. You look nice when you’re talking,” Red clarifies, “Wait.” Red steps closer and grabs Ash’s jaw. “The fuck—” or: Red is a photography student and takes a picture of Ash.

A/N: listen me and my friend dusty were talking and my brain came up with the most gay scene ever and i HAD to write it. once again, i've only used dslr's in my life, but hopefully the magic of photographing someone was captured in this fic. old people yaoi.../silly

and OH BOY that was a lot of fics. these are the fics i'm really proud of, so i hope y'all enjoy (and please say nice things to me if you have enjoyed them). thank you for making it through this LONG post!!!

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

as someone who has read your fics a lot (big fan hiiiii) and your tags (they're like easter eggs), i am now so curious about your controversial opinions and takes that piss you off because, i mean, i don't want to make a big deal out of it, but you seem to change your opinion on certain characters now hehehe

hi anon! thank you for reading my fics and the nonstop rambling in my tags, haha. i hope you have fun with them! i'm going to assume this is about the silm fandom because i've been rolling out the tolkien posts lately. i couldn't possibly go into all my controversial opinions or all the takes that i hate in one post, but since you're asking i'll give three of each. i'm gonna stick with things i haven't talked much about on this blog, because there are lots of opinions and takes (i.e. blaming thingol/b&l/dior/elwing for the kinslayings, claiming elrond and elros think of maedhros and maglor as their Real Parents, etc.) that i've already made my thoughts on abundantly clear, lol

controversial opinion #1: i don't think tolkien intended this to be the case, but the noldor have uncomfortably colonial overtones in their expressed intentions for middle-earth: 'long he spoke, and ever he urged the noldor to follow him and by their own prowess to win freedom and great realms in the lands of the east' / 'the words of feanor concerning middle-earth had kindled in her heart, for she yearned to see the wide unguarded lands and to rule there a realm at her own will. of like mind with galadriel was fingon fingolfin's son, being moved also by feanor's words, [...] and with fingon stood as they ever did angrod and aegnor, sons of finarfin.' these are finwe's family, his son and his grandchildren. there is no way they aren't aware that elves already inhabit beleriand, yet they express zero consideration for what said elves' opinions might be on their sudden arrival and claiming of the land. it is... a Bad Look

controversial opinion #2: according to the narrative, the sons of feanor lost their right to the silmarils. regardless of who agrees or disagrees, that's what the text posits. the silmarils burned morgoth. they didn't burn beren, didn't burn luthien, didn't burn dior, didn't burn elwing, didn't burn earendil, and didn't burn eonwe. they burned maedhros and maglor

controversial opinion #3: eol is not unreasonable for his low opinion of the noldor. eol is unreasonable for almost everything else about him -- he attempted filicide, is at best a creepy stalker and at worst a rapist (aredhel was not "wholly unwilling"... wdym tolkien explain tolkien what do you mean she was not wholly unwilling), and he accidentally murders his own wife while trying to murder his son. like wow, pick a way to be a terrible person. these quotes though -- "all this land is the land of the teleri, and i will not deal nor have my son deal with the slayers of our kin, the invaders and usurpers of our homes" / "no right have you or any of your kin in this land to seize realms or to set bounds, either here or there." -- he's not wrong about the highlighted portions and he has every right to dislike the noldor for the points he brings up. (though he is wrong for believing the noldor are at fault for morgoth, since morgoth would have come knocking with or without them.)

okay now on to the takes that piss me off!

stupid take #1: that thingol and doriath were bigoted assholes that turn away refugees for not letting aredhel pass through. this was not a very nice thing for them to do, obviously, but equating it with a case of refusing refugees is ridiculous. to begin with, the iathrim and the noldor (save maybe for the nargothrondim, whose king -- finrod -- has a respectful relationship with thingol) do not have the best relations with each other, which is hardly just doriath's fault. then aredhel, one of the noldo whom the iathrim have tensions with, wants to travel through their kingdom to visit her cousin, another one of the noldo whom the iathrim have tensions with. (the worst tensions with, in fact, as thingol is markedly, and rightfully, more disdainful towards the sons of feanor in particular.) why is it so unreasonable that this would not go over well? the iathrim didn't force her to go the way she did either; in fact they explicitly warn her that that road is "the speediest way," but that it is "perilous". she had other options and she decided to go with the one that was reportedly dangerous. and on top of it all, aredhel is not in the same dire situation as actual refugees. turgon would have given her ample supplies for the journey since he was already so remiss to her leaving in the first place, plus he gives her "three lords of his household" as guards/companions. how come this instance, which is not a case that concerns refugees, is treated by some people as sure evidence of thingol's isolationism and "racism" towards the noldor, while an explicit instance where he does accept actual -- noldorin!! -- refugees is swept under the rug? oh wait i know. because this fandom loves making doriath into this discriminatory, uniquely nationalist kingdom that it canonically is not. if you want isolationism, gondolin is right there

stupid take #2: that luthien's victories over sauron and morgoth are proof that she's a mary sue. tolkien calling her "luthien the mere maiden" is annoying, but more accurate than the complaints about her being op. she doesn't even fight either of them. with sauron he jumps at her and radiates so much Hatred that she faints, but she manages to cover his eyes with her cloak and make him sleepy for a moment. huan takes the opportunity to jump in and they start fighting. with morgoth, her disguise doesn't work on him. instead she uses his arrogance and lust to her advantage, bides her time, then seizes the opportunity to put him to sleep with her cloak. and when he stirs, she and beren run for their lives in terror! when people say luthien winning against sauron and morgoth is plot armor, what they really mean is that their faves don't have the guts she has to go up against extreme odds and the brains to effectively use what she has going for her to her greatest benefit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

stupid take #3: that luthien cast an enchantment on celegorm to make him lust after her. or even anything adjacent like luthien's maia blood enchanted celegorm though she wasn't doing it intentionally. not even going to bother debunking this kind of thing because it's a genuinely braindead take that reeks of misogyny, victim-blaming, and desperate whitewashing. fuck all the way off

i get the feeling you're talking about the sons of feanor on that part about changing my opinion on certain characters? which you'd be right about, the fandom has majorly turned me off from them. they used to be nearly the center of my interest in the silmarillion and its events, and now, while i still like them as they are in the story, i barely look at fandom content of them because the apologism is extreme and ridiculous. also funnily enough, my ranking of the individuals within the blanket of "the feanorians" has shuffled a lot too. maedhros and maglor used to be my favorite, now i've had enough maedhros and maglor to last me... maybe not a lifetime, but a good long while. (i dipped out of the tolkien fandom about two/three years ago, which was the time i got tired of m&m content. to this day i'm still tired of them.) and celegorm, the piece of shit that he is, used to be among my least favorite and now somehow shot his way up to my favorite <3 he's ambitious. he's charismatic. he's impulsive and arrogant. he's a wreck. he's funny. he's the absolute worst. love him

[milksnake-tea]

oh hello there. fancy seeing you here ;) god help me im so bad at this

Okay but for real though, I'm still blinking at this because we've officially reached (and transcended because I'm late) 2,000 FOLLOWERS !!!!! I'm honestly still in shock because I'm still recovering from 1k ..... I can't thank you all enough for the love and support you've given me and my silly writings, I can't believe my silly little blog has gotten this far sniffles

SO. for the event because i am NOT letting you all go empty handed. We are not doing a prompt drabble thing because I learned my lesson from the last event but WHAT WE ARE DOING. is like. this weird Q&A but like not. okay wait i'll explain it's kind of confusing but !!!

TLDR : I want to get to know you guys better (and you guys to know me better !!!), so I'll be doing an ask game! You can ask me about myself, my opinions on characters, and my headcanons on them as well !! It'll be more casual because that's easier for me (so it'll be me talking rather than my writing voice yall know), but I want this to be really fun for all of us :D

duration for asks: 3/19 - 3/26

rules

ABSOLUTELY NO NSFW. I am here to be silly not horny.

Don't ask me anything too personal or invasive, if you do I'll delete the ask altogether.

Don't ask for romantic headcanons for minor characters, arlan, or welt.

Be respectful, please !!! I just want to have fun guys :(

You can ask me things other than what's on the prompt lists, just as long as it isn't inappropriate.

Don't ask me on my opinions of ships, especially ratiorine (I mean this in the nicest way possible I just don't like that ship).

For my opinions on characters, you can ask about characters outside of HSR (as long as I know them), but for character hcs, keep it to HSR.

ask prompts - author !!!

What's set as your phone screen?

Do you have any pets?

What's your typical order at a cafe?

Do you prefer coffee or tea?

If you had to pick one character from ___ as your favorite, who would it be?

What's the last song you listened to?

Who's your favorite song artist?

Who was your first fictional crush?

What was the first fic you've written online?

How long have you been on Tumblr?

What's your favorite food?

What's your favorite color?

Name the WIP that's been rotting in your drafts the longest.

Name the WIP that you want to share the most.

What authors do you recommend?

Who are your mains?

What characters do you think you're the most similar to?

ask prompts - characters !!!

What are your general hcs about them?

What do you think their love language is?

On a scale of 1-10, how healthy are they in a relationship?

What's an unpopular opinion you have? (can be on a character or a fandom!!)

Character Analysis

What do you think ___ is like in love?

What kind of person do you think ___ wants in a relationship?

What's an ick you'd think a character has?

Who do you think would be the best partner, realistically?

How good at cuddling is ___?

What's a really stupid hc you have about a character?

What's a character duo that you really want to see interacting/see more of?

What character do you think is really underrated in the fandom?

What characters do you think would be the best friends or companions to have?

[my-meadowlark]

Fic: Thermodynamics [Barbie/Gloria]

Title: Thermodynamics Fandom: Barbie (2023) Characters/Pairing: Barbie/Gloria Rating: T Word Count: 9,043 Summary:

Barbie has some serious trouble grasping the finer points of weather and humidity, which leads to her very first encounter with human illness. Gloria takes care of her, and some very confusing feelings accidentally come to the surface. Written for prompt #3 "Sickfic" of @tropetember

AO3 LINK

Water is extremely complicated.

Barbie honestly doesn't think humans realize just how complicated it truly is. And she's not even just talking about its fluidity and how infuriatingly hard it can be to contain it once it's decided to go everywhere at once (she's working on her accuracy when eyeballing the volume of liquid she can pour into a glass). Oh, no. That's, like, beginner level water-handling. It's the way water affects... everything else that keeps tripping her up.

Sometimes there'll be a day when the heat is so oppressive Barbie feels like she's trying to breathe with plastic lungs. And Gloria will nod sagely and simply say "it's the humidity" right before suggesting she take a quick cool shower like that won't just add even more humidity to the mix. But it works, somehow, until it doesn't because she's out of the shower and her damp hair has gone from keeping her scalp cool to weighing her entire body down until she feels absolutely, indescribably gross.

"Yeah. It's the humidity," Sasha will say when Barbie mentions how she can't even tell where the dampness from the shower ends and her own sweat begins and are they sure she's not melting? It's the humidity but if you add more humidity by hanging a wet towel in front of the fan it helps. Yeah. Okay.

Eventually, by the end of her first Summer in the Real World, Barbie thinks she has somewhat grasped the basics of water when it comes to temperature. Water can cool you down if you drink it or pour it over yourself or blow air through it (the bowl of ice trick Sasha saw on TikTok worked even better than the wet towel one). But it will warm you up if it's naturally in the air (humidity is her least favorite word).

She can work with that.

"If you go out later you may want to wear a jacket," Gloria says over breakfast one late October morning, "it's a bit nippy outside."

Barbie likes the sound of that. Nippy. It sounds fun. Playful, even. She's nowhere near bored of the Real World yet, but she'll admit some things have become so routine by now she barely even notices them anymore, and that makes her a little sad. She misses the feeling of absolutely every experience being brand new and exciting. So, nippy weather, huh? Sounds like a good time to her!

As it turns out, she enjoys nippy. The cooler air feels so different on her skin. She gets goosebumps like when she takes too long drying off after a shower, but they're not exactly the same kind. She doesn't notice when she breathes anymore because she's been doing it for several months now, but she does notice when she breathes in the colder air. She feels it going all the way into her lungs. Through her trachea and into her bronchi and bronchioles and filling up her alveoli like tiny little balloons.

She loves Sasha's Bio textbook.

So, when a couple months later, she hears the words 'cold snap' while watching the weather report, Barbie is nothing short of delighted. Nippy was fun, so she's sure a snap can only be even better, right? A snap. Fun!

"Do you think we'll get any snow?" Sasha circles the coffee table for the third time, open backpack in her hand, like she's expecting whatever she can't find to magically appear if she looks at the exact same spot the correct number of times. "Like, not downtown obviously, but nearby? Hey Barbie, where'd you put my Chem book?"

"Oh, I left it on your desk. Thanks for letting me borrow it! I loved reading the little intro about water's specific heat capacity but I need way more information than that so I think I'll go to the library later." She feels like she's found the path to understanding water and its weird behaviors, and she can't wait to pay a visit to her favorite librarian. Sasha insists she should just Wikipedia stuff, but Barbie likes the face-to-face interaction and the fun of going from book to book like she's on a scavenger hunt.

"Okay, Nerd Barbie."

"Tone," Gloria warns, one finger pointing in Sasha's general direction in a slight sweeping motion that means she's not really in any trouble at all. You can tell a lot from the exact way Gloria points a finger at you, especially when you pay as much attention as Barbie does.

"Sorry," Sasha lies (Barbie can tell when that happens, too), already on her way to her bedroom, "but you gotta admit it is kinda nerdy."

Gloria chooses to ignore that particular comment and focus on the earlier part of the conversation instead. "I don't know about snow. Maybe. We got some nearby last year."

Barbie's been in the Real World for long enough to know even the things they do have back home, like snow, are completely different here. Because they're real. "Gloria? What does snow feel like?"

"It's like—" Gloria stops pouring coffee into her thermos to think for a moment. She can answer easy questions while doing other stuff, Barbie's found, but when it's a hard one, or when she really cares about giving a thoughtful answer, she has to fully focus on her thoughts. Watching it happen makes a very particular warmth start somewhere in the vicinity of where Barbie's heart is and then spread out towards her lungs and down to her lower abdomen where it pools like... like something both warm and fizzy, somehow. Like warm soda pop, but not nearly as disgusting as that sounds. She hasn't found an explanation to that particular phenomenon in any of the human biology books she's read so far.

"It's like a snow cone, but like, without the syrup obviously." Sasha's voice travels through the open door of her bedroom and snaps Barbie back to reality, pulling her focus away from the mysterious Gloria-related effervescence in her belly. "And it's cold. And wet. It doesn't look like it should get your clothes wet, but it totally does."

See? Water. Doing unexpected things once again, even in solid form.

"I'd love to see it. Do you think it'll happen soon?"

"Maybe, yeah! You heard the weather guy." Gloria grabs Barbie's house keys instead of her own car keys, like she does nearly every morning. And like nearly every morning, Barbie notices before Gloria does and picks up the forgotten car keys, jiggling them to bring Gloria's attention to her mistake. "Shoot, thank you, Barbie. Sasha! We're gonna be late!"

"And, you know," Gloria continues, her voice down to a conversational tone once again, "even if it doesn't snow right here, we can plan a weekend getaway some time. Do some sledding, maybe skiing or even snowb—"

"I vote Switzerland," Sasha interrupts, walking past her mother towards the front door, "for the chocolate. And the cheese. Wait, do you have a passport? Can you even get a passport?"

"Right," Gloria says, "let's aim for Big Bear Lake or even Tahoe this year. I don't think we're at the international travel level just yet."

Gloria winks at Barbie like she's in on some kind of joke. Like they've just told someone Barbie's spent most of her life in Australia and that's why she's not fully confident with American money yet, and it's funny because they both know that's not the reason but it's a completely harmless fib. Barbie has no idea why Gloria is winking right now (international travel does sound complicated, and Sasha brought up a valid point about passports, whatever those are) but she smiles anyway, the kind of smile that's so wide she can feel it on her cheeks and in the crinkle of her eyes. She may not know exactly what the joke is, but whatever it is is between her and Gloria, and that's good enough for her.

"See you at lunch time?" Gloria is already halfway through the front door when she asks, like Barbie hasn't had lunch with her every single day since she arrived in the Real World. She even has a favorite taco truck that stops near the Mattel headquarters every other day.

So Barbie just lets her smile answer for her.

Later, Barbie finds out the cold snap is not fun. At all. As it turns out, there is a drastic difference between nippy and cold (Sasha's insistence that it doesn't even get really cold in LA does not help Barbie feel any better about it), and Barbie is firmly against cold as a weather concept, thank you very much.

It's interesting at first. It's like nippy, but more. Sharper against her skin and in her lungs and on the tip of her nose. But soon enough it becomes uncomfortable. Just like the heat in the Summer, it seems to permeate her clothes and then her skin and all its layers until she feels like it's inside her and there's no getting rid of it. Gloria recommends a warm shower, which helps just like the cool ones in the Summer did. Barbie figures she can let her damp hair do what it did back then and become warmer with time, but Gloria already has the blow dryer in her hand when she steps out of the bathroom, and Barbie is more than happy to let her play with her hair for as long as Gloria wants.

On the second day of the cold snap, the weather guy informs there's a low-pressure system bringing in higher humidity, and Barbie breathes a sigh of relief. Humidity makes things hotter. It makes you sweat. If heat plus humidity equals being slowly cooked in your own juices, then cold plus humidity should equal something between pleasant and slightly nippy, right?

See, she's been reading about thermodynamics. It's all about equilibrium, as it turns out.

So you can imagine her surprise (and, frankly, outrage) when she goes out in a light cardigan and finds herself standing in what can only be described as an outdoors fridge. Ridiculous. It's ridiculous and wrong and downright unfair, because the air is cold and the humidity is in there and she's been reading those books that say the heat will go from the hotter substance into the cooler one until they reach thermodynamic equilibrium so why is the moisture not heating up the cold air? Why is the air somehow even colder than yesterday?

Barbie feels her eyes sting with tears and she's not sure if they're from the sheer frustration of feeling like the laws of Physics keep tricking her, or from the cold air hitting her eyeballs. She figures it's a combination of both of those things.

All she wants is to go back into the warmth of their home, but it feels like letting the humidity win, somehow. Like going back inside is admitting defeat. And Barbara Millicent Handler may be many things (she's still figuring out which things she is, as a matter of fact) but she's absolutely not the kind of woman who gets defeated by moisture, of all things.

No way.

So, frown in place and arms tightly wrapped around herself and her puny cardigan, she marches towards the library determined to figure out this humidity nonsense before lunchtime. It can't be this hard. Everyone else seems to get it. There has to be something she's missing.

Her favorite librarian is helpful as always, even offering Barbie a cup of hot cocoa from the coffee machine when she notices the way her teeth chatter as she asks for another book on thermodynamics.

"Is there anything in particular you want to research?" She asks, and is kind enough not to mention the way Barbie's eyes water all over again when her nearly numb fingers wrap around the warm paper cup. "We may have better luck finding exactly what you're looking for if we narrow the field a bit more."

Fifteen minutes later, Barbie's sitting at her usual table with a book about weather that has her feeling so giddy she's no longer thinking about the cold. Well, she's thinking about cold as a concept. Just not about how cold she was just a moment ago. Sasha can insist all she wants: there's no way her beloved Wikipedia would've provided not only the perfect book, but also the perfect hot beverage.

Once she's finished her cocoa, Barbie opens the book and immediately realizes she's found a whole area of knowledge she didn't even know existed. Weather seems simple enough on the surface, but the more she reads, the more she realizes just how much there is to learn about it. By page four she's feeling so full of excitement about all the things she's about to discover that she actually giggles out loud. By page ten, she's wondering why the weather segment is always so short when there's so much to talk about.

"Barbara?" The librarian's soft voice pulls Barbie's attention from a two-page illustrated guide to cloud shapes. She's got to tell Gloria about lenticular clouds. "I hate to interrupt your reading, but you always leave at eleven, so—"

"Oh?" Eleven. Gloria. Lunch. "Oh! Thank you so much, Evelyn."

She rushes out of the library with the reassurance that Evelyn will make sure nobody checks out the book before tomorrow and makes it to the bus stop with six minutes to spare (running helps with the cold, she finds) according to the clock on her phone. And she has only been waiting for a minute when she feels a drop of water on the very cold tip of her nose.

"Oh, no."

It doesn't rain often in Los Angeles, but she's already experienced a couple of rainy days and she can recognize the first sign. Rain is a lot like crying, in that you get one drop first and then a whole bunch of them with no warning at all.

By the time the bus stops in front of her, she feels like she's spent the last five minutes taking a cold shower with her clothes on.

The bus ride to the Mattel headquarters is not very long, but when she gets off at her stop Barbie feels like even her bones are soaked through. Her clothes stick to her skin, cold and heavy and wet, and (thermodynamic equilibrium!) seem to be sapping every last kilojoule of body heat out of her. She feels like there isn't an amount of hot cocoa in the world that could possibly warm her back up.

"Barbie! Oh, honey, didn't you bring— I should've told you to grab an umbrella. Why aren't you wearing your coat?" Gloria is waiting at the bus stop like always, dry under her umbrella and toasty warm inside her fleece-lined rain coat. "Why aren't you wearing your boots!?" Gloria looks at Barbie's soaked tennis shoes like the sight of wet feet is something out of her wildest nightmares.

"I just—" Barbie feels her chin tremble. It's half shivers and half wanting to cry from just how uncomfortable she feels standing in the cold (at least Gloria's pulled her under her umbrella so she's not getting rained on anymore) in soaking wet clothes. And shoes. And socks. "I just thought—" Barbie shakes her head just as the first tear falls, "I just don't get humidity, okay!?"

"Humidit—?" Gloria shakes her head slightly, like she's decided halfway through her question that she's not actually going to focus on that right now. "Oh, look at you," Gloria's fingers feel soft and warm against her skin when she gently brushes strands of wet blond hair away from her forehead, "why didn't you go back inside when you saw it was raining?"

Barbie shrugs and sniffles slightly. Sometimes being a real person is a bit much for her. There are too many things to feel all at once. And she was already close to the point of being overwhelmed by all the terrible feelings from before — cold and uncomfortable and wet and sad and confused and frustrated — but now there are all these new things added to the mix, and she doesn't even have a name for most of them. The feeling of being very close to someone under an umbrella while it rains. Is there a name for that feeling? The feeling when someone's voice is so soothing it feels like you're being wrapped up in the softest blanket in the world. The feeling when being near someone makes all the bad feelings fade into the background until they barely register anymore.

The feeling of someone catching one of your tears with the pad of her thumb and then pressing her warm palm against your cheek. Is there a name for that? Because it spreads from the point of contact between Gloria's hand and her face, filling her up with whatever the feeling is called until there's simply no room for cold anymore and all she can feel is that.

"I didn't want to miss lunch," she finally says, leaning into Gloria's touch and adding another feeling to the mix when Gloria smiles.

And for a handful of heartbeats they just stand there, Gloria's hand on her cheek, thumb brushing softly against her skin, like they're both a bit too busy feeling to do anything else.

"Let's get you home," Gloria finally says. She moves her hand away from Barbie's cheek and holds the umbrella in her direction. "Here, hold this for me for a second." And when Barbie does, Gloria quickly unbuttons her raincoat and slides it off to wrap it around Barbie's shoulders instead. "Better?"

Barbie nods. The fleece lining is warm from being wrapped around Gloria and it smells faintly of her perfume, and "home" is the closest she can get to finding a name for the feeling in her chest.

"Come on," Gloria lets Barbie hold the umbrella and loops one arm through Barbie's so they can walk close together towards the car, "I don't want you to get sick."

—-

Gloria practically shoves her into the hot shower the second they walk through the door. And if her brain felt even just a bit less foggy, Barbie would've had a thought or two about one kind of water being the cure for another kind of water, but she can't focus on that right now. She's never felt worse in all her months as a human woman. She's cold even if her skin gets warmed up by the hot water. She keeps shivering but she can feel herself sweat. She keeps sneezing, and every sneeze makes her head hurt.

"This is the worst day ever." Barbie pouts, sitting on the couch with a flannel blanket wrapped tightly around her body. The words scratch against her throat as they come out in the most annoying way.

"I know," Gloria says, tone sympathetic from the kitchen area, "I'm sorry, honey."

They've been home for a few hours now — Gloria decided Barbie's first brush with sickness was more important than the rest of her work day, and Mattel agreed — and Barbie keeps feeling steadily worse with every passing minute. At first she was just cold and wet. Now she feels like she's been run over by a cold, wet truck.

"Here," Gloria hands her a bowl of hot chicken soup and sits next to her, "it'll make you feel better. I promise."

It doesn't work right away, but it's delicious and it soothes her throat as it goes down so Barbie can't complain at all.

"How are your feet?" Gloria slips one hand under the blanket to feel around for one of Barbie's feet, both of them safely wrapped in the warmest, fluffiest socks she's ever worn. Barbie doesn't think she's ever seen Gloria look as horrified as she did when she saw Barbie's drenched socks before.

"Warm," Barbie offers, even if she's sure Gloria can tell when she lightly squeezes one of them.

"Good. That's good." Gloria lets go of her foot and fixes the blanket, tightly tucking it under Barbie's legs. "That's good," she repeats, softer this time, like she's talking to herself. She doesn't speak again until Barbie's left the nearly empty bowl on the coffee table.

"I'm sorry you're not feeling well." In her time in the Real World, Barbie's learned people often say things like 'I'm sorry' without really meaning them. Just because it's polite. But she can tell Gloria means it in the most literal, true sense of the words. She can see the sorrow in dark brown eyes, in the worry lines on her face, in the way she moves around Barbie, like she used to be made of the most delicate porcelain instead of plastic. "I wish I had a magic cure."

Barbie can tell she means that, too.

What Barbie can't do is understand why the thought of Gloria snapping her fingers and making it all go back to normal doesn't sound nearly as appealing as it probably should. She wouldn't miss the shivers or the sneezing, but she thinks she'd miss the way Gloria's stayed close all afternoon, making sure she's okay.

"You should go to bed. Chicken soup and rest is the best remedy for the sniffles."

Barbie nods. She's not exactly tired, but she doesn't feel like being awake either. Being sick, unsurprisingly, is no fun at all.

"Shouldn't Sasha be home already?" Barbie stands up from the couch, bringing the blanket along like a long, fluffy dress. "It's Wednesday so she doesn't have practice."

Gloria smiles the specific smile she reserves for moments when Barbie remembers details about her or Sasha. She's noticed.

"She's staying over at Mei's to finish a project. She asked for permission in the car this morning." Gloria watches Barbie take the first few steps away from the couch like she's not sure she'll manage without falling over, and breathes a sigh that sounds a lot like relief when Barbie manages to stay upright. "I'm here if you need me, okay?"

Barbie smiles, because she already knows.

—-

"Hey." Gloria's voice is barely above a whisper. Barbie's bedroom is dark except for the warm light sneaking in from the hallway through the halfway open door. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

Barbie has never had as much trouble figuring out whether she's awake or still fast asleep as she does right now, with Gloria sitting on the edge of her bed and tucking Barbie's hair behind her ear.

"How are you feeling?"

Barbie wants to answer. She wants to say she's not sure, because she isn't even sure this is really real or just a warm, hazy dream. But Gloria's fingertips brush against Barbie's warm skin as she moves her hand from Barbie's ear to her temple, and then Gloria's slightly cooler palm presses against Barbie's forehead, and all she can do is breathe.

"Oh, that's too warm." Gloria sighs, and Barbie feels the soft whoosh of the air leaving Gloria's lungs and hitting her skin as Gloria leans in to press her lips against her forehead.

It's not a kiss. It's just a press. The softest ghost of a touch. And Barbie realizes in that very moment that she's forgotten how to breathe, but her heart seems to have decided to beat twice as fast to make up for it so she figures she'll be fine.

Gloria remains so close when she pulls away that Barbie can't really tell if she's hearing her or just feeling the words against her skin when she speaks again. "Family trick. You can tell if there's a fever easier with your lips than with your hand."

Barbie nods, maybe a little dumbly. She's never had a fever, but she knows the concept of it. And she definitely feels like her body temperature is much higher than just a few seconds ago.

"Can you sit up?" Gloria turns towards the side table while Barbie rearranges herself against the headboard. The light from the hallway is enough for Barbie to make out a water bottle and a glass, and she watches with fascination as Gloria carefully pours some water and then shakes a little packet of something and adds its contents to the glass. "Here. Take this. If the fever hasn't budged by tomorrow we'll call the doctor, okay?"

Barbie nods again. She's never tried drinking water in bed — that seems, frankly, like the sort of advanced fluid dynamics she should not be trusted with just yet — but Gloria seems very sure of this whole process and Barbie doesn't think she can speak right now, let alone argue with Gloria's instructions.

As it turns out, she shouldn't have worried at all. Because Gloria's hands don't leave hers when she hands Barbie the glass. One warm hand remains covering Barbie's, steadying her fingers around the cool glass, and the other rests gently on the back of her head. It feels like a reminder that Gloria will catch her if she falls.

"I'm not gonna lie to you, it doesn't taste good at all, but I don't think this is the time to learn how to swallow pills," Gloria says, and Barbie looks into the glass even if she can't really see what the liquid looks like with such little light. She can hear it fizzling, louder and faster than any soda she's tried so far (and she's tried a few). It smells oddly... synthetic. Like it doesn't belong in the Real World. "It'll make you feel better. I promise."

It tastes even worse than she imagined. It tastes like nothing she's ever tasted in her short human life. It tastes like something not meant to go inside or even near a human body at all. It tastes so bad she lets out a horrified gasp at the end because she's honestly a bit surprised the awful taste didn't kill her.

"That was—" Barbie struggles to form the words around the lingering taste coating her tongue.

"I know." There's the slightest bit of amusement in Gloria's voice, even if she still mostly sounds concerned. "I know, honey, I'm sorry. Here, have some water. Wash off the taste."

Water only really helps a little bit. The aftertaste remains, gross and bitter and metallic— no. Not metallic. Plasticky. She wonders if her face will ever go back to normal again or it will simply remain in a slight grimace forever.

Barbie rests against her pillow once again with a sigh. She's oddly tired but in a nebulous sort of way, not in the same way she's tired after a long day or after a trip to the mall with Sasha.

"I hate being sick," she says, bottom lip jutting out in a slight pout. She hates that it makes everything she's slowly gotten used to about being human feel just off enough to keep her constantly uncomfortable. She hates that her thoughts feel fuzzy (not in a good way) and slow. She hates everything about it.

"That's a very human emotion, if it helps you feel better at all."

Barbie's never been to the desert. She doesn't know what a glass of water may feel like under those circumstances. But she thinks it must feel similar to hearing Gloria's soft voice right now. Like the one thing that feels good when everything else sucks.

"You help me feel better."

It's not the first time she's said something similar to Gloria. Barbie appreciates everything Gloria's done for her since coming to live in the Real World, and she makes sure to be very vocal with that appreciation. But it feels a little different when she says it right now. Like there's something extra weighing down the words.

"Yeah?" Gloria smiles, Barbie thinks, but there's not enough light to be sure. She thinks she hears it in her voice anyway.

Barbie nods and reaches for Gloria's hand. It's warm against her own even if it felt cool against her forehead before, and Barbie briefly wonders whether Gloria's lips would feel different against her hand, too. What they'd feel against her—

"That's good," Gloria says, soft and quiet like a secret, fingers squeezing Barbie's, "I want you to feel good."

And it feels like there's a weight to Gloria's words, too. It feels like the air around them is thick with things they both mean but neither say. And then Gloria leans in and Barbie thinks maybe she's going to check her temperature with her lips again, or maybe she's going to do something else entirely, and maybe Barbie's human body picks up on things her brain can't quite grasp just yet because she feels herself... react. Her skin tingles and her stomach flip-flops and her lips part because her breaths are just a little bit shallower and her heart beats just a little bit faster and she's fairly sure her entire nervous system has been rerouted to her hand and her fingers as they slot in the spaces between Gloria's and whatever Gloria is going to do Barbie just knows she wants it to happen, and then—

Nothing.

Nothing happens.

Gloria sits up straight once again and Barbie can tell what she feels is loss even if she still doesn't know what was going to happen.

"You should go back to sleep," Gloria says, a little breathless, fingers still tangled with Barbie's, "get some rest."

But Gloria doesn't stand up or let go of Barbie's hand, and honestly the thought of that happening — the thought of Gloria leaving her right now — makes something twist uncomfortably in Barbie's chest, so she decides to say something before Gloria can change her mind.

"Can you stay with me?"

Gloria doesn't answer right away. Her thumb rubs gently against Barbie's knuckles, and the air fills up with unsaid things once again, only this time it's uncomfortable and a little oppressive. It reminds Barbie of the humidity on hot summer days.

"I don't—"

"You don't have to." Barbie quickly clarifies, because something about this situation has clearly made Gloria uncomfortable, and that's the last thing Barbie wants. "Of course you don't have to, I'm sorry." But when she lets go and pulls her hand away, Gloria's hand chases it and holds it once again.

"It's not— that."

Is this conversation particularly cryptic and heavy on subtext, or is it normal and Barbie's cold-impaired brain is just a bit too slow to follow it like it normally would?

"I want to stay with you. I just wonder—" Barbie hears a sigh, and it's not an exasperated one or a tired one or even a sad one. It's a different kind of sigh. Barbie doesn't think she's ever heard Gloria let out that kind of sigh before. "Because you don't have all the context for this stuff, right?"

Barbie feels herself nod even if she honestly, truly has no idea what Gloria is even referring to. Maybe that's the lack of context she means.

"So I'm not sure if we're looking at things the same way or if you even— if you know what's happening sometimes. You know?"

Barbie is nearly sure this has something to do with before. With the moment Gloria leaned in and something almost happened but didn't.

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. And if I cross a line and then you didn't want to or— God, or you didn't even know there was a line, I just—" Gloria shakes her head and squeezes Barbie's fingers for just a second, and Barbie still doesn't know exactly what they're talking about but she knows she wants Gloria to not be upset.

"I trust you."

Barbie's words are soft and quiet but there's nothing unsure or tentative about them and she thinks maybe that's why Gloria seems to snap out of her previous thoughts as quickly as she does.

"What? What do you—?"

"I trust you," she says again, "so I'm not worried."

It's not that simple, she knows. She knows almost nothing in the Real World is ever simple or easy, and especially not things involving feelings and worries and potential hurt. But she thinks maybe knowing Barbie feels like she's in excellent hands, like she has nothing to worry about as long as Gloria is with her, will help. Maybe it can be enough for now.

And it looks like it may be, for a while. Gloria doesn't speak for a few moments, and the silence that settles around them is comfortable and light to the point where Barbie feels herself relax into the pillows as her body grows heavier with sleep. She's tired but she's not as achy anymore, and the room is mostly dark and her hand is warm and safe in Gloria's. It would be so easy to just fall asleep.

"I just—" Gloria's voice is softer than before. So soft, actually, that Barbie doesn't feel like she's expected to make an effort to stay awake. "I don't want to ruin things. I don't want this to change."

Barbie isn't sure Gloria is actually talking to her. She sounds a bit like she's talking to herself, like when she's going through the shopping list in her head to make sure it's all in there before she leaves the house. But Barbie feels like maybe this is a rare moment where she knows something Gloria doesn't. Or, more accurately, she knows something Gloria knows, but isn't thinking about right now.

"But that's life," Barbie says, and even she can tell her words sound a bit muffled by sleep, "it's all change."

Her eyelids are so heavy. The room is mostly dark anyway, so she can't see Gloria but she hears a huff of something that sounds almost like laughter, but not quite.

"You were right, you know," Gloria whispers, like it's a secret, "it is terrifying."

It could be the disgusting powder in the water from before muddling her thoughts. It could be the fever, or the cold, or really just being so close to asleep that her brain isn't working right. But Barbie feels like it's been years and decades and centuries since she was sitting on that patch of plastic grass, fighting against the notion of change and imperfection and the unknown.

She was right, like Gloria says, in some ways. The cold is awful. She could do without humidity as a concept. Being sick? She would not recommend it. Pockets weren't really a thing in Barbieland but they're a basic necessity in the Real World and there seems to be a global plot to not put any in clothes marketed towards women. And you do not want to know what happens to milk when you forget it on the counter overnight in the Summer.

But now she knows what it feels like to drink a glass of water when you wake up parched in the middle of the night. She knows what it feels like to bite into a blueberry muffin and get that perfect spot of soft, warm, blueberry-infused cake. She knows the feeling of freshly washed sheets against her skin after a long day. She knows the smell of Gloria's hair when it's late at night and they stay up too late watching old films Barbie's never even heard of but Gloria insists they are a 'must watch' but then she falls asleep halfway through and Barbie pays more attention to the weight of Gloria's head on her shoulder than whatever cinematic masterpiece is playing in front of her.

"Yeah," she finally agrees, because she'd be lying if she said she's not scared at all about all the bad feelings she's sure she'll inevitably discover in her years as a human woman, "but it's worth it."

She thinks she sees Gloria nod right before she finally gives in and closes her eyes. A little later, she thinks she feels Gloria's lips against her temple once again, but she's nearly sure it was the start of a dream.

—-

Barbie's cold lasts less than twenty-four hours.

She's fine the next morning. A little groggy from sleeping twelve hours straight, but all her body parts feel fine and free from aches, there isn't a shiver in sight, and if Gloria hadn't made her promise she'd stay in the house just to make sure she's fully recovered, she would have happily taken the bus and joined her for lunch.

It's one of the most boring days she remembers, but she's fine.

She's fine the day after that, too, when she returns to the library and to her Weather Encyclopedia. She's fine when the cold snap officially ends and the weather goes back to a very boring yet pleasant "mild". She's fine! She's fine.

It's just—

Sometimes she thinks about those few hours between getting home soaking wet and miserable after her mishap in the rain and feeling (or imagining?) Gloria's lips against her temple. And the memories are just hazy enough that she wouldn't be able to say what exactly she and Gloria said, or what she did beyond sleeping and drinking the most vile — yet effective — medicine in the world, but the feelings.

The feelings are so clear in her mind she feels like her brain is taunting her by interrupting her normal thoughts with flashes of Gloria's hand around hers and Gloria's lips against her skin and a moment when Gloria leaned in and then nothing happened. And that moment haunts her in a way that has her unable to fully focus on things like dew point and wet bulb temperature and tsunamis. Her brain keeps circling back to it over and over and over again and she keeps hearing Gloria's words — words about missing context and lines that may or may not exist — and it's driving her a little insane.

She could ask Evelyn, of course. The librarian is so smart, Barbie's sure she could explain or at least point her in the direction of the right book to research it, but it feels... it feels...

It feels hers. Theirs, maybe. Hers and Gloria's. It feels like something she doesn't want to share with anyone else. And a few times she considers asking Gloria herself. Asking her for context or an explanation or even just asking her if she's aware that something almost happened, too. But it's scary in a way she can't exactly pinpoint, and though so far all the risks she's taken since this whole humanity adventure started have worked out for her, there's something about this particular one that gives her pause.

So she doesn't ask. And she's fine. Kind of. Mostly.

Until she suddenly has an epiphany. She's watching daytime television, which may not be the pinnacle of cinematic arts but has its charm. Soap operas feel like crash courses in human emotions, and Barbie likes to indulge from time to time. And she's doing just that when she witnesses a scene that makes her understand why light bulbs are used as metaphors for having ideas. Because she sees a very beautiful woman about to die in a hospital bed, and she sees the Ken-like man standing by her with tastefully glistening eyes, and she sees him confess his secret love for her. And it all makes sense.

This isn't her first 'deathbed confessions' scene, but she hadn't made the connection until now: people say things when other people are dying. Things they may not say when nobody is about to die. And it doesn't even have to be something as drastic as dying, actually. When she was sick, Gloria talked about lines and context, about changes and being terrified. Barbie didn't have to ask, Gloria just talked about them on her own.

Clearly, the way to get the answers she desperately needs is to recreate the exact situation once again. It's a foolproof plan.

So she... lies.

Okay, calling it a lie may be a bit of an exaggeration. It's playing pretend. A fib, at most. It's nothing, in the grand scheme of things. She feels suitably guilty, if that helps her case at all. And when she calls Gloria to tell her she won't be joining her for lunch because she has a bit of a cold, she makes sure Gloria understands it's nothing serious and she doesn't need to take the afternoon off.

She thinks that's just about as ethically sound as she can make this whole plan.

"Hey," Gloria says when she walks into Barbie's room, quiet and soft like last time, "how are you feeling?"

And then Gloria does it again. She presses her palm against Barbie's forehead, and Barbie's eyes flutter closed because when you don't actually have a cold everything feels a little crisper and sharper than when you do.

"I don't think you have a fever. You don't feel too warm."

Barbie's not proud of herself for what she does next. She just wants to make that clear. She's not proud at all but she does it anyway because there are some weaknesses that come with being a human, and this is clearly hers.

"Are you sure?" Did she just infuse her voice with just a hint of a pained tone? Perhaps.

"Well, I don't know," Gloria concedes, and then she leans in and presses her lips against Barbie's forehead and her hair smells like her conditioner but not exactly like it does when it's in the bottle (Barbie's smelled it). It's an entirely different, unique smell that's a mixture of conditioner and Gloria filling Barbie's lungs, and she decides a fib can be worth it sometimes.

"No fever." Barbie can hear the smile in Gloria's voice. "Looks like you're already on the mend. I'll make you some soup for dinner and you'll be just fine in the morning."

And Gloria is already turning to walk out of the room, clearly relieved and happy to see Barbie's sickness was nothing serious. And it's not that Barbie wants her to worry. She doesn't. Not at all. She just feels like she's missing her chance to finally know the answers to all the questions in her head.

"Wait! Wait, I—" She what? She's not going to fake a serious illness, that would be just plain mean. But she needs Gloria to stay. "I think you need to double check."

Barbie sees the second Gloria figures it out, because her entire stance changes. She flicks the light on and looks at Barbie with a slightly raised eyebrow that reminds her of the look she gives Sasha when she says there is no homework on a Friday afternoon.

"Are you faking a cold?"

Barbie feels her blood immediately rush to her cheeks. They feel so warm she's sure Gloria would believe she has a fever if she checked right now. And she's bracing herself for a lecture like the ones Sasha gets when she's far from honest about her school obligations, but Gloria sighs and comes closer instead.

"Why are you faking a cold?" Gloria sits on the edge of the bed, close to Barbie, both hands resting on her lap.

Barbie shrugs. This is a new feeling, actually. She doesn't think she's ever felt it, but it's one of those she's heard about enough to be able to name it. She thinks it's shame. It makes her eyes prickle with tears that fall as soon as she blinks twice.

"Hey. Honey, I'm not mad. Please don't—" Gloria brushes tears away with her thumbs and Barbie doesn't know what she's feeling anymore. Shame and something else, something warm, something big. Shame and too many things at the same time. "What is it?"

"I just—" Barbie's chin trembles, and she's trying not to let this turn into actual crying because she's really not very good at sobbing and talking at the same time, but she's a bit overwhelmed by it all. By her feelings and the things she doesn't know and doesn't even know how to ask about. "I just wanted you to talk to me again."

"But we talk all the time," Gloria says, brows furrowed even if her voice remains gentle, "like, literally all the time I'm not at work."

Barbie shakes her head. "Not like that. Not like— like the other night. When I had the cold."

"I don't know—"

"When you said I didn't have the context." Barbie watches as realization washes over Gloria. As brown eyes round and cheeks darken and she stands a little straighter. "When you said there were lines. That you might cross."

Gloria nods, slowly. Barbie lets the silence settle between them for a few moments, because she figures maybe Gloria needs some time to figure out what to say. But she doesn't. And Barbie's not about to let this conversation end here so she can go back to thinking about it constantly for another week, so she decides to press on herself.

"You leaned in, and then nothing happened." The moment is so vivid in her mind she doesn't feel the need to clarify further. Surely Gloria knows exactly what she's talking about. "Was that a line you didn't cross?"

"Yeah, I—" Gloria looks down at her hands, and then at the coffee table, and Barbie wonders if she's just doing whatever she can to avoid looking at her, "I'd say that's right."

Barbie sighs, relieved to finally have at least one answer. That moment did happen, and it was significant, and it wasn't just her own inexperienced human brain making it bigger than it actually was.

"What was the context?"

"What?"

"The context," Barbie folds her legs under the covers and wraps her arms around her knees, settling in for what she hopes will be an enlightening lesson, "you said I don't have all the context, so I want to know what it is. What the line was and why you didn't cross it. You know. Context."

"Well, I just—" Gloria looks at one of the flowers on Barbie's bedding, and then at her left foot, and at one of the pictures on Barbie's wall, and the more she looks away the more flushed her cheeks look. "There was— I mean I—" Eventually after a few more failed attempts to get out a full sentence, Gloria shakes her head and looks at Barbie once again. "You can't just ask that. I can't just answer that. That's not—"

"See? That's why I had to fake a cold!" Barbie just cannot believe Gloria would simply refuse to answer a question. She doesn't think that's ever happened before. And it really only serves to fuel her belief that whatever it was had a lot to do with her being sick and a milder version of deathbed confessions. "You talked about it then, kind of, so why won't you just tell me now?"

"Because!"

"That's not a real answer!"

"Well, it's the only answer I have!"

Barbie could just cry again from the sheer frustration of knowing there's this apparently essential bit of knowledge she doesn't have and is also not allowed to learn. It's like the freaking humidity all over again. Obvious for everyone except for her. Because she doesn't have the context. And for the first time since she met her, Gloria is not willing to help.

She's watched enough movies (and soap opera episodes) by now to know she probably should say something right now. It's an emotionally charged moment. An argument. She's angry at Gloria for the first time in her life. But she can't come up with anything to say, so instead Barbie shifts under the covers and slips out of her bed. Gloria can stay seated on it for as long as she wants. She just needs to not be with her right now.

But when she's walking around the bed to leave the room, she feels Gloria's fingers wrapping around her wrist. Lightly. Light enough that Barbie could easily keep walking and they would do nothing to stop her. The touch feels like being asked to stay.

"Wait," Gloria finally says when Barbie stops walking, and her voice sounds quiet and almost small and Barbie feels the anger melting away, "I'm sorry."

Barbie has already forgiven Gloria by the time she looks at her. Because she knows she really is sorry, and she knows she never wants to hurt her. Because Gloria's fingers are so soft and warm around her wrist, and there's something in Gloria's eyes that feels nearly as big as the feeling that lodges itself between her ribcage and her heart when she thinks about whatever almost happened when Gloria leaned in.

"I'll tell you. I just need to—" Gloria stands up without letting go of Barbie's wrist, and she reaches for the light switch to make the room mostly dark once again. "It's easier like this."

Barbie nods. Maybe it wasn't her illness making Gloria want to open up. Maybe it was just the lack of light.

"There was a line." Gloria's thumb presses against Barbie's pulse and Barbie doesn't tell her she's read you're not supposed to take someone's pulse with your thumb because you'll feel your own pulse instead. She just stays quiet and imagines the sound of both of their heartbeats at the same time. "When I leaned in." Gloria moves her hand, thumb sliding from Barbie's wrist to her palm, and Barbie's fingers wrap around Gloria's almost on instinct. "And what I nearly did— what I wanted to do," Gloria swallows and squeezes Barbie's fingers like she's keeping herself from running away, "was kiss you."

"Oh."

Barbie knows what a kiss is. She's never experienced a kiss — not a real kiss — but she knows what they are. And she wants one. It surprises even herself because if she's perfectly honest she doesn't know exactly what a kiss entails beyond lips touching lips (which really doesn't sound appealing at all out of context) but right now she wants Gloria to kiss her more than she's ever wanted anything in her life. It's a want that comes from somewhere she doesn't control, somewhere that's definitely not her brain because there's nothing rational about what she's feeling right now. All she knows is she wants the kiss that nearly happened that other night.

"I'm sorry if you—"

"Kiss me now."

"What?"

Barbie takes one step forward, closer to Gloria, and she feels like maybe she's stepped over one of those invisible lines herself. Because they've been physically close a million times before. They've hugged and held hands and fell asleep on each other's shoulders while watching movies. But this feels different. This jump-starts something, makes her feel like one of those magic balls that make your hair stand up when you touch them, gives name to a bunch of different feelings she hadn't been able to categorize before.

"Please," Barbie says, and she's so close now she can feel Gloria's breath against her lips, "kiss me now."

Gloria's lips feel soft and gentle and real. Barbie doesn't think she's ever felt anything as real as a kiss. It's short but it lingers, and when Barbie thinks it's over Gloria presses another, quicker, softer kiss to her lips that makes Barbie smile around a sigh.

"Good?" Gloria asks, still so close and so warm and making Barbie feel all kinds of things she now thinks are different flavors of want.

"Mhmm," Barbie manages, licking her lips and feeling a sudden urge to do the same to Gloria's, "again?"

She feels Gloria's silent chuckle against her skin just before she feels Gloria's lips again. And this time it lasts longer. Barbie's free hand moves to rest on Gloria's waist, to keep her close, and Gloria's lips part to suck on her bottom lip as Gloria's fingers slide into Barbie's hair, and Barbie feels like her world has changed completely once again and there's no going back from this.

She doesn't ever want to go back from this.

"Still good?" Gloria's whispered words come out muffled against Barbie's lips, and all Barbie can manage is an affirmative (she hopes) sound as she chases Gloria's mouth to kiss her once again, bolder this time, tongue nudging Gloria's lips apart and then sliding inside her mouth and feeling a new wave of want build up low in her belly at the sound of Gloria's moan.

They kiss for a long time. Barbie doesn't know how much time passes. She knows they go back to the bed eventually, sitting first and then Gloria is on her back and Barbie is on top of her and their bodies are pressed together, legs tangled and hands exploring warm skin under a work blouse and a sleep shirt and Barbie can't remember ever pondering the actual meaning of life, but she's pretty sure this is it.

Hours or days or weeks (under an hour, realistically) later, their kisses become less hurried. Less hungry. There's less urgency and more warmth, and they're back to just soft lips meeting soft lips until they're both smiling a bit too much to go on.

"Are you okay?" Gloria reaches up and tucks a wisp of blond hair behind Barbie's ear, her other hand still busy under Barbie's night shirt as her fingertips slowly trace the line of Barbie's spine.

"Yeah," Barbie's voice comes out low and breaks halfway through the word, and it makes her smile even more. "I'm very okay."

"We'll have to talk about all this," Gloria says, thumb brushing against Barbie's tingling bottom lip, "about—"

"The context?" Barbie offers right before she presses a kiss to the pad of Gloria's thumb. She's not sure whether Gloria laughs at the kiss or at Barbie's suggestion, and she's not sure she cares.

"Yeah. The context. We'll have to talk about that."

Barbie nods. She has a feeling kisses are like water, in that they're seemingly straightforward but there's a lot going on under the surface. She wonders, briefly, if there's an encyclopedia of kisses at the library, but then decides she'd rather learn from Gloria than read about it anyway.

"Will I have to fake a cold again so you'll talk to me about it?" She teases, and she feels Gloria's laughter under the hand she has pressed against Gloria's ribcage.

"No more faking, please."

Barbie nods and kisses her again. Just because there's nothing less fake than that.

[runninriot]

20 Questions For Writers

i'm a little late because i took a break while on vacation but THANK YOU for the tag @ataliagold and @sidekick-hero 🖤

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

52

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

468,074 (written in 16 months, which is a personal achievement i'm actually quite proud of)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Steddie only for now because these boys still have me in a tight grip i can't get out of

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

thought i'd only look at the stats for the ones i wrote this year out of interest

Liberate Me

Worship Me

Sweet Thing

Tomorrow

You're A God (Be My Sinner)

5. Do you respond to comments?

always!! i appreciate everyone who's taking the time to comment on one of my fics so much. love these little interactions

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

it's 'happy endings always' in my house but the ending of Only Love could maybe count as angsty?

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

it's hard to choose but Where The Sun Still Shines has one of my favourite happy endings

8. Do you get hate on fics?

people have always been very kind to me (thank you, people! 🖤)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes and any kind? since i started the The Best You Ever Tasted series i have tried not overthink it and not to limit myself anymore when it comes to writing smut and to just go for it. there's still more to explore 😏

10. Do you write crossovers?

apart from my first ever steddie fic Real Love Is Forever (ST×The Crow mash-up), i haven't written any crossovers yet

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i think/hope not?!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope. but i'd love it if that ever happened

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

no but i think it could be a fun experience although i'm not sure i'd want to burden anyone else with the chaos that is my writing process 😅

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Steddie. don't know what it is exactly but i love them being in love and writing and reading about them makes me fucking happy

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Weight of the World. do i want to finish it? yes!!! will i ever? only the stars and moon know (it's been a year, man 😔)

16. What are your writing strengths?

people have said i'm good at writing dirty smut mixed with deep emotions which is a compliment i hold dear to my heart

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

ugh. plotting/outlining, just planning ahead in general. i always start my fics with a random sentence and just take it from there which has cost me some nerves in the past because i never know what i'll end up with

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

love when people do that. i think it can be a nice way for authors (like me) who aren't native english speakers to sprinkle bits and pieces of their own first language into their fics

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Steddie (any hand-written sins from my youth are well-hidden in old notebooks and will never see the light of day again)

20. Favorite fic you've written?

oh god, that one's hard because i love all my brain babies equally but

We Are The Lifeless Stars (Shining In The Dark) is the one that broke me most

Small Treasures To Keep is my favourite prompt inspired fic (kudos to all of those amazing people providing us with writing challenges and prompts, i love you guys!)

i absoluetely loved creating Vampire Steve's background story in Show Me What It's Like (To Live On The Other Side)

Unlovable is very special to me in many ways

and Monsoon and Harrsion was probably the silliest fic idea i ever had, inspired by Jemma who came up with the names. it was so fun to write and it still makes me laugh when i think of my google search history while writing that porn actors au 😆

that was fun!

feel free to ignore me if you've already done this or don't want to but i'd love to read your answers

@thisapplepielife @morningberriesao3 @steddieas-shegoes @thefreakandthehair @steddie-island 🖤

[thenamesmobu]

A message to the TSP community

(Uhhh warning? Slight vent)

Ehh it's nothing all that bad or anything

Okay, so, sorry that this is something that I don't usually post. But I just got some things to say for a moment here.

So, I have a hard time in blending in at school. Almost everyone sees me as the quiet and sensitive kid. I've been trying to make them try to see me differently, but it feels like they just gently push me away because they're scared of me. I'm no good at starting conversations (in my native language) so what I do is that I'd throw topics of smalltalks and just hopes that one of them turn into a full on conversation. I wanna fit in, but it's just hard to do so when your reputation has been cemented into everyone's minds. I know I need to socialize in real life instead of being in it online all the time, but for the time being, I wanna thank the community that made me feel like I belong somewhere.

TSP fandom. Fellas, let me tell you just how much I've been thriving here. From the previous fandoms I've ever been in, I have never felt like I'm in my best place. I actually talked, made new friends, my art and writing has been improving rapidly, and overall it's just been amazing and thrilling. I thought that joining this community would be like any other fandoms I been in, have fun for a while and then just move on. But for this fandom, my god, I feel like I fit right in, I feel like I belong, I feel like people actually wanna talk to me and they're willing and interested to listen what I have to talk about. I feel the most happy here from any fandoms by far. And for someone who has trouble fitting in irl as I've stated, I couldn't be more grateful.

You guys, thank you so much for accepting me into the fandom, thank you so much for noticing me, thank you so much for loving my art, my characters, and my writing, thank you so much for making me feel like I belong.

Alright, that's pretty much what I have to say for now. My account had reached over 100 followers lately (Idk if I've said that yet, but eh), I'll be holding a dtiys as a celebration for this milestone. Once again, thank you so much TSP fandom, I LOVE YOU ALL SM MWAH /plat💙

[afrenchwriter]

20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @andromeda4004, thank you dear 🥰 Always an interesting game to play, share, and reflect!

How many works do you have on ao3?

17

What's your total ao3 word count?

313,513

What fandoms do you write for?

I launched my AO3 account with a Red Dead Redemption fanfic, and then I discovered Good Omens, and then... well, you know how it goes with this fandom ❤️ That being said, I also had fun exploring the seas during the golden age of piracy (Our Flag Means Death) and the lands of a Norse God (Loki).

Top five fics by kudos:

For His Eyes Only (GO - James Bond AU, M rated, 69K)

Getting Closer (GO - fluffy post-S1 fic, G rated, 3K)

To the End of the Ocean (OFMD - post-S1 fic, M rated, 71K)

Whatever Comes After (RDR - canon divergence AU, M rated, 84K)

Ties & Other Obsessions (Loki - 5+1 fic, T rated, 4K)

Do you respond to comments?

Always! I treasure each and every one of them ❤️ But I have to confess that these past few months have been a bit hard (not much energy, unfortunately), and I'm still trying to catch up on all the lovely comments I've received.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Mmh, good question... I'm afraid I don't know how to do that 🙃 Even the last fic I wrote for the GO historical minisode event (Shadow & Light) was supposed to end on an angsty note, and at the last minute, I decided to add a happy epilogue! But if we're talking bittersweet ending, then it would be Sharp Endings & New Beginnings, a post-S2 Loki fic... If you've seen the show, then you know 🌳

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hard to say, considering my previous answer 😇 but all the long fics listed above have a very happy ending!

Do you get hate on fics?

I did, once, on my OFMD fic... It was a shock, but also an interesting experience: it pushed me to question my narrative choices (and, in the end, confirm them).

Do you write smut?

I do... And I have a second AO3 account dedicated to it 😎 (I wonder how many people will reach this part of the tag game and find this out, eheh)

Craziest crossover:

None for now... (For His Eyes Only cannot be considered a crossover since Crowley is basically James Bond 😎).

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! @pavel-pedro has started to translate To the End of the Ocean in Russian... and whether it will be one day finished or not (I know how time-consuming such a work can be!), I'll forever be grateful for the gesture ❤️

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I'm currently co-writing a fic, actually, with my lovely friend @sabotage-on-mercury: a GO/Fleabag AU! We're taking our time for all sorts of reasons, but we want to make sure we deliver quality content, considering the source materials!

All time favorite ship?

The Ineffable Partners, of course. How can you beat a relationship between two beings who have known each other for millennia and have gone through all sorts of ups and downs, down here and out there?

Or, as Neil would say: why? Love ❤️

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

*insert awkward look monkey puppet meme* I don't know, man... I have too many WIPs piling up lately, and not enough energy to work seriously on any of them... I do hope I'll finish all of my GO WIPs someday. But the one WIP I doubt I'll ever come back to (although it makes me sad because the outline I have for this story is WILD) is the sequel of my long RDR fic, called What We Owe to Each Other.

What are your writing strengths?

I've been told several times that I'm good at capturing a character's voice, and that makes me really happy. I'm a huge cinephile and good dialogues, "natural" dialogues, are so important - I'm glad to be able to consider this as one of my strengths! I would like to say developing a plot, too - I love writing long fics and exploring characters' arcs - but I think I'm still too close to the source material for now to consider it a real strength... Room to grow!

What are your writing weaknesses?

I'm a slow writer; I need to develop my ability to use imagery and metaphors; and I need better organization when it comes to writing drafts and editing the whole thing!

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Well... I'm French and I write my stories in English + I work as a translator, so... Yes to dialogues in other languages, always (then translated, of course)!

First fandom you wrote in?

I'm not exactly sure, but it must have been between those three: Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and Artemis Fowl (ah, teenage years!).

Favorite fic you've written?

That's a hard one... Whatever Comes After will forever have a special place in my heart since it's the fic that 1/ brought me back to writing 2/ helped me prove to myself that I was able to complete a long story. Senses & Sensitivity was my first fic for the GO fandom, and 1/ it made me feel confident to write more for the Ineffable Partners 2/ I made some great connections thanks to it (hello @hasturswig! ❤️). I don't think I've ever had more fun than when I was writing For His Eyes Only (and the enthusiastic comments along the way really helped! ❤️). But, to finish, I'd like to mention When All Is Said and Done, a GO fanfic in the South Downs that just poured out of me after the S2 finale... It really made me experience the magic of writing again.

If you've reached the end, thank you for reading! Feel free to ask me anything... And to consider yourself tagged if you want to play this game, too! ❤️

[crimeronan]

What’s your opinion on transfemme hunter + lumity polycule, without willow. Or maybe lavender winter with Gus. Asking cause I really like your thoughts on these things?

i'll be real i love both. the thing about me is that i will enjoy any poly configuration of friends, especially ones that play with gender and sexuality. i've seen more controversy with both of these than even with lavender winter, though, which makes me cautious in how i talk about them. because i am constantly aware that a large part of this fandom has High Standards for when ships are Unproblematic (TM) and i'm like...... i think i interact with media differently than you do. please don't eat me.

anyway with the hexsquad i've seen gus described as "guy in the polycule who's not dating anyone, he's just there" similarly to lilith in any constellation of the adults, which is fine and fun. i also think that once they're older, though, he does not Have to be? i get squicked out by interpretations of gus that are like "he's hunter and willow's baby" because uhhhhh. there are Several Episodes completely dedicated to why that is 1) not true, and 2) a disservice to him.

there's an assumption that anyone who polyships hexsquad wants a 12-year-old to date a 16-year-old but like. i've already said i think lavender winter would figure their shit out later in life. if gus joins the polycule when everyone's in their mid-to-late twenties then the age gap Does Not Fucking Matter.

but like. i know that's controversial. these characters aren't real people and i don't know why ppl are still following me if they have an issue with Problematic Content given some of what i've written about hunter and/or princess luz, so. i shouldn't be anxious about stating this. i've just been thru some shit in past fandoms so i'm always expecting the worst. Be Nice To Me.

as for lumiter with transfem hunter, i similarly love it, and that's precisely Because i'm a dyke with a lot of transfem acquaintances i'd be into in a heartbeat. like join my polycule. i am not exaggerating when i say that every "cis guy" i had a crush on in high school (who i thought could maybe save me from my gayness) later transitioned. or that all the things i found fun and attractive about them turned up 100000x percent once they felt comfortable presenting as women.

like sexuality is fluid and i'd still be a lesbian even if i'd crushed on cis guys who were still cis guys. but it makes me laugh. and hunter is one of those characters who can easily be trans in any direction, and i Love Transfem Hunter So Much.

i do still want willow in there though. like if i have a choice between lumiter with willow and lumiter without willow i'll pick willow every time. by itself, tho, still a Great Triad. a+. very clearly something i'd be happy to write.

i guess the takeaway here is that shipping "rules" don't matter so much to me now that i'm in my late 20s and know what i'm about and know why i like things or don't like things. and the other takeaway is that i'll ship Anything that i find cute or interesting. i like transposing my experiences to the media i consume! this is how most people do fandom!

[kitsunefyuu]

Is the Dad For One fandom dying or is it just me? It seems like there is less people talking about it, less participation in Dad For One events and discussion around the theory as of late. Could it be due to how long this whole Hisashi mystery has been going on and people are growing tired of the wait? Only thing that could revitalize it is a reveal.

I did very much notice that Dad for One week didn't get as much attention which is a shame as I did participate a little. So maybe it is dying but honestly, that is just how it is when something is dragged out. Horikoshi promised to tell us and reveal who Hisashi Midoriya is but he still hasn't done so. We don't know what the man looks like or anything besides fire breath, and that interview was YEARS ago so who knows what happened to that.

So we likely won't see much until it is revealed which is perfectly fine with me. As I just default to DFO in all my verses personally. To me, it isn't some giant or huge separate thing it is a canon. A possibility that is fun to write regardless of what canon says. I believe it's real until canon says otherwise.

For some people, they likely don't really care and think of it as a fun AU idea or just aren't invested in the father-son dynamic. Everyone is different, I'll be here for a while tho and that isn't changing. I only just started writing dad for one stuff.

[chiefbeifongcanrailme]

Thanks for tagging me, @wishingforatypewriter!

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Before I begin, there may be spoilers below!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 142! But a lot of them are one-shots.

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? It's 355,968, surprisingly. I'm pretty sure I've seen individual fics longer than this. But also, I think that's a pretty big number for me considering..

3. What fandoms do you write for? Only and only, exclusively Avatar, The Legend of Korra.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Chaos: Chaos was my first ever multi-chapter fic. It stars Lin Beifong, no surprise there, thrust with this eclectic group consisting of her "found family". Primarily focused on Linumi (Lin x Bumi), the fic actually serves as a post canon fix it.

Soul: Soul quite literally is written from the soul. It mostly focuses on the relationship between Lin and Tenzin (ofc, it's LinxTenzin) and explores their connection beyond the physical realm. It's not just about two people who fell in and out of love over the course of time, but about two souls that ache and burn for the other.

The Pledge: This was supposed to be a Lin x Tenzin one-shot of Tenzin falling victim to some kind of out of body, false-memory-confabulation situation where he just quite literally forgets that he wasn't married to Lin. I really wanted to leave this fic as is, but a lot of people asked for a part 2 and the people pleaser in me didn't wanna disappoint. I didn't love how the fic turned out, but oh well. I love the first chapter though.

Abscond: Another multi-chapter! This one is Lin x Mako. It's a series of events that led to Lin and Mako finding commonality and having this flirtatious banter that neither could control. It's a little dramatic, but fun nonetheless.

Laws of Physics: This one's different. It's my Lin x Bumi modern AU, they're both college professors in their late 30s, early 40s respectively. Like chaos, it features almost every character (not all in great detail ofc), and it's been so fun to re-imagine everyone in this modern setting.

5. Do you respond to comments? Yes, always! I may be a little behind sometimes, but I always make it a point to respond. I love, love, love, love comments!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? There might be a tie here: So Many Signs: It's a post-breakup Linzin fic where they see each other for the first time at a gala. A hundred percent based on Exxile by Taylor Swift. Chimera: I'm not sure it fully comes across, but Bumi has this recurring dream about drinking with Lin where they play games and kiss- turns out, this dream is what's flashing before his eyes as he's drowning in deep waters to his death. Yeah, whoa. Why did I write this?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Okay, I think they're all happy!

Okay, but jokes aside, I think It's Time To Make Time kinda gives everyone a very happy ending. Oh, and Ghost of Weddings!

8. Do you get hate on fics? I have gotten hate maybe once or twice on AO3. It's not typical. But it's there- and it's funny. Everyone on Tumblr hates me though lmao.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I have attempted smut a few times! I'll be honest, it isn't great. I've read some fantastic smut so I just know I don't fall in the "smut writer" category. I mostly write a lil bangity-bang-bang for Lin. That's about it.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Do crossovers between my real life and Lin Beifong fanfiction count? If not, then no I haven't written crossovers. But if yes, then it's Exhaustion. Way to expose myself lmao.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? No, but I wouldn't be opposed to it.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? No, but I would love to! There's some really wonderful authors out there and I would LOVE to write with them.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship? It's a three way tie between Linzin-Linumi-Linzolt. I can't pick. I do love other ships from other fandoms, but let's stick to what we know lol.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I'm going to be greeted with pitchforks for this one, but it may wind up being Waging Wars. I kinda forgot what my initial premise for the fic was (should've written it down, I know), so I'm gonna focus on stuff I have mapped out instead. I'm sorry. I will try my best coming back to it though, I promise.

16. What are your writing strengths? I think my ideas are pretty good. The way I can visualize or imagine up these situations often take me aback too.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? The writing part of it. The more I get out of practice, the more I struggle- which leads to taking insane amounts of time between chapters.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I guess if it fits the characters/story/universe, it's fair game. I've never done it though.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Ha! Avatar The Legend of Korra.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? Ummmm that's a hard question. Here, you tell me yours.

I'm tagging @orangepanic, @risingsoleil, @superliz6 and anyone who wants to participate!

[goatsandgangsters]

🦗 and 🎵 for the emoji ask meme!

🦗Do you write in sequence or jump around?

I used to be Very Strict about only writing in order, but I started letting myself jump around ~two years ago and WHAT A GAME CHANGER, IT HAS SAVED MY WRITING LIFE!!!!!

I get so much more written by jumping around, because when inspiration hits for a scene I can actually take advantage. it makes my writing so much better when I have not just an outline for What's To Come but specific scenes written that I can write towards and mirror very intentionally with word choice, lines of dialogue etc. jumping around when writing multichap fic has made my vision for the whole thing clearer, my choices more deliberate, and—most importantly—it's made it more fun. because I actually get to write the fun parts that inspire me!! instead of torturing myself by dangling the good bits as a carrot of something I might theoretically one day get to write!

(general you, the writer reading this, try it. give yourself permission. if it's not for you, you've still learned something about your process. but if you've never tried and think "oh I could never write that way," I would have said that once too. but tbh if I'd let myself do this earlier, it would have made everything SO much better and I would have gotten so much more done. just experiment so you Know if it's really for you or not)

🎵Do you make playlists for your fics?

yes but they're waaaaay less Curated than if I were making a fanmix. my writing playlists are not "here's a highly selective 12-song playlist with lyrics and music that fit and that come together to tell a story musically" as with fanxmies. they are "I need a 13-hour playlist that's Vibes Only that I can put on shuffle and have the right ambiance for whatever I'm working on."

I've got specific ones for all my different Boardwalk AUs, then one for generic grishaverse writing purposes, and I think "sexy" speaks for itself

50s au: honestly not that long, I don't have that much 50s music

Focus au: ~7 hours. the great gatsby (2013) soundtrack is actually perfect vibes. plus a lotta amy winehouse, lana, etc. anything that feels humid and sultry

Grishaverse: ~24 hours. not fic-specific but works for anything in that fandom. I've got the shadow and bone soundtrack, the lotr soundtrack, a lot of florence, anything that has light/darkness imagery, anything that feels Bigger in a high-fantasy, fate-of-the-world way

High School au: ~24 hours. basically all pop music circa like 2008–2012 and some pop punk. whatever makes me feel Teenagery again. also functions as a fun nostalgia playlist

Hunger Games au: ~9 hours. as many soundtracks from the movies as I could get from my local library, plus anything folk-y and sad (the civil wars, etc)

Sexy: ~2 hours, not necessarily songs about sex, just songs that Are Sensual musically or kinda kinky bc let's be real about what I'm writing

also it's not a saved playlist, but I've been writing a lot of Edwardian-set stuff lately, so for that I'll go on spotify and put on early 20th-century English composers like Gustav Holst and Ralph Vaughn Williams and let the algo take it from there

fanfic writer emoji ask meme

[desultory-novice]

hello! i've been meaning to ask you this for a while, but i keep forgetting! i'll lead by saying that i'm sorry for being so annoying in your askbox about this stuff... i just really want to know your opinion!

i've been seeing a lot of "galacta knight is canonically dead" takes lately, and i was wondering what you thought about that? i've always been a little annoyed at the concept since star allies (and the star allies art books!) seems to make a big deal out of morpho knight being a fusion of gk and the butterfly, and while katfl seems to disprove this (?) it's also important to note that we never saw gk's soul leave morpho knight, only forgo's. i just feel like there's a lot more evidence for morpho knight to be a fusion than the other way around? i can't really talk to people about this bc it always makes me look like a fangirl that's upset her favorite is dead... :/ your killing game post kind of reminded me about that jajaj

Annoying? Noooo! Not in the slightest!

"Canon."

Oh boy. I mean, yes, I use "canon" myself but at the same time, I hear the phrase "canonically dead" paired with Galacta Knight and I can't help but laugh. (And sigh, because I really do think fandom can get caught up in policing people based on what's presumed(!!!) canon and that just seems like a big way to suck the fun out of things!)

But seriously, Galacta Knight is just one of the funniest characters to argue about this because before now, people were arguing he wasn't even canon at all! Can we just enjoy the character, people?! XD

That said, I did some looking through my copy of the SA art book and Galacta and Morpho's pause screen lore for this ask and...

The art book is pretty clear about Morpho Knight being a fusion of the butterfly and Galacta. That said, the pause lore also seems to imply that Morpho is their own thing, and that while they might be fused in this form, it's not to say that Morpho can only take that form because they absorbed Galacta/that it was borrowed from Gala.

Galacta definitely has an effect on Morpho, physically, as Morpho EX is explicitly stated to be a change brought on as Morpho finishes the process of absorbing Galacta's power and has learned to make it entirely their own. (Interesting how that turns them dark, not unlike the Aeon Hero unlocking his own "true" power and turning quite...malevolent looking.)

That Morpho needed Gala's power (in fact, Morpho is described as being "drawn  to" Gala so I don't think there's anything wrong with imagining fate plays a bit into their meeting) could be why Morpho becomes Morpho Knight to be but doesn't turn into, say , Forgo Knight after absorbing Fecto Forgo. (Although Fecto isn't a complete soul, missing Elfilin.) Morpho Knight probably couldn't have taken that same form in FL had they not fused with Gala but...

...because Gala wasn't shown leaving Morpho, does that suddenly mean Gala's dead? ...Personally, I don't think so. Especially if you are one of those "EX Modes are Non-Canon" people, in which case, we can take the pause screen text to mean that regular Morpho hasn't even "finished" absorbing Gala's soul! IE: It's still around.

But here's the real reason it's so odd to me to suggest that Gala is dead after their encounter with Morpho in Star Allies:

Galacta Knight is a character who pretty clearly has multiple selves from multiple timelines existing at any/many given points in the timeline! So the SA Gala was absorbed! What does that say for the other dozen Galactas flying around out there? There many be THOUSANDS of Crystal Prisons containing thousands of Galacta Knights floating through the mess that is Another Dimension! We saw that SA Gala getting absorbed had no effect on the Galacta Knight fight existing as per normal in RtDL DX.

Even if you wanted to go all River Song and say that getting absorbed by Morpho is Gala's end fate, that regardless of where we catch them in the timeline, that would be a fixed moment, we haven't seen Gala's beginning! (Even Aeon Hero would seem to represent something like Gala's "career highlight" phase.) It's simply too soon/we have too little evidence to say Galacta is "canonically dead."

It's just very silly to me to insist on/badger people about that. Which is why I tend to think that at least a portion of the people saying that are saying it as a joke. This humorous idea that "Man Galacta never even got to be canon (:Dess groaning in the background:) and the first time he does get to be canon, he dies! lolololol"

It's overplayed as a joke to me, but if that's the way they enjoy the series, I try to let them be and focus on the parts of the fandom/the discussions that are most meaningful and constructive to me!

(Lastly, I hope you don't feel like there's anything negative about being seriously concerned about the fate of your favorite or that it's anything to be ashamed about! Ask and talk away, please! I want note that if evidence ever came out that Marx was most likely dead, I would be rushing to complain about it/try to reassure myself that there was evidence to the contrary in every ask box that would listen! XD It's natural and very sane to get emotionally invested in the state of your fav in a series you're still currently invested in! Something something kill the part of you that cringes~)