#i'll have to do a lot of school work tomorrow but today i truly don't want to do anything

[shallyouobeyme]

Map

Platonic!Yandere!Damian x reader (GN)

Summary: Damian and you have to work on a project together and he realizes how you seem to be invisible to everyone else - how you want to be invisible - and something in him makes him want, no need, to figure out why...

! Minors Do Not Interact !

TW: Domestic abuse (not shown directly), planned kidnapping, Dark content, yandere, This is all fiction, I do not condone this

Day 4 of my Yandere Writetober, Tomorrow word is 'Golden' so if you have any ideas lemme know

People did not think Damian was sentimental, most of all his family. If a person had an idea of who Damian was, but wasn’t close to him or hasn’t personally met him then they could probably still assume that in private he might be a bit more emotional than in public. This person would be wrong though. Sure, in private Damian might be a little more open and showed a few more emotions, but most of those were rage, pettiness and sarcasm. Damian was a lot of things, but definitely not sentimental. At least not usual. And then you came into his life. 

From the moment he was born, Damian had a map of how exactly his life would be played out. Then he was brought to his family and the map changed. From wanting to become the next head of the League of Assassins, he now wanted to become the next Batman. He wanted to step up once his father needed to step down and take his rightful place as the head of the family. Alone.

Everyone and everything else that was a hindrance in that way - be it his age, school, villains, friends or even his own family - was just an obstacle on the map of his life. He thought you'd be just the same, a Problem to be taken care of and to leave behind. Just another annoying child in his class - which Bruce insisted he attend - that weren't fit for the reality of life he faced every single day. It was just typical that he had to be stuck with you working on a project for a class in which he had a grade to make up, because of too many absences. He didn't bother to question why you had to do the project, he just wanted to get it over with.

"I'll be doing the project - I doubt you could help anyways - and you can just put your name on it as well, then I don't have to bother with you," Damian sneered to you once class was disbanded, already more than done with you and with the situation. You seemed to turn into yourself and he recognized how shy and intimidated you were and if he had been just a tad more empathetic he'd feel bad. Damian rolled his eyes and turned to leave when your hand tugged on his uniform's blazer.

"Uhm... I-I'm sorry, but-but I'd really like to-to work on the project together, I-I really need this grade," you stuttered, your head lowered in shame, even though you had no real reason to be ashamed. Damian wanted to make a snide comment about how the project was definitely better off if he was doing it on his own, but something about how small and fragile you looked kept him from doing so.

That was the first detour from the life on his map. That moment of emotion that no one witnessed, not even you because of how your head was held down. And it was only the beginning. He scoffed at your request, but it wasn't truly malicious like before.

"Fine, but we'll do it at your place today after school, no discussion," Damian stated and left no room for arguments, turning around and leaving the room, not hearing your small sound of protest.

During the rest of the school day, Damian couldn't help but watch you from the corner of his eyes, he saw how you were hidden in your uniform, seemingly wanting to merge with the backdrop of the classroom, how you kept completely to yourself and seemingly managed to become completely invisible to anyone but him and some of your teachers.

So after school, he had to keep his eyes peeled open to see you come out since you really seemed to disappear between all the other students. He went over to you and told you to lead the way home, not bothering to offer to have Alfred drive the two of you since, for reasons he didn't understand himself, he wanted to spend the time with you alone. Detour number two.

The way to your home was spent in silence, Damian looking around sceptically and you turned into yourself like you always seemed to be. The route to your home took you out of the more or less safe and high-income neighbourhood of Gotham Academy to the less secure area not that different from the region around Crime Alley. He wondered how your parents were able to afford your tuition for Gotham Academy, but he knew that you were rather good in school so he figured you were on a scholarship.

When you finally arrived at a rundown apartment complex you brought him to a flat on the fifth story, carefully opening the door as if you were afraid of making any sound.

"I'm sorry if it's a bit messy," you mumbled vaguely in his direction as you carefully opened the door and Damian realized it was the first thing he had seen you say since you had asked him to let you work on the project as well. Then you lead him into the apartment and everything somewhat fell into place.

To say it was a bit messy was an understatement. There were empty bottles of beer, vodka, wine and all other kinds of alcoholic beverages, Damian even caught sight of some less legal substances, but he decided not to mention them aloud, already seeing based on the darkening colour of your face and the way you tried to avoid looking anywhere near him that you were highly ashamed and emberassed. Detour number three.

He saw how you looked through the open doors into the other - not cleaner - rooms and he could hear your relieved sigh when there was no one else in there with the two of you. Then you lead him into your room if one could call it a room, which had a size just barely big enough for a measly small bed, a box usually meant for laundry filled with your clothes and a small desk that looked like you had taken it from the side of the road. There was no chair or even a stool.

Damian noticed Jason's influence - much to his anger - when his first thought was that 'Harry Potter would feel bad for you'. His next thought was that you didn't deserve to live like that, that you deserved better. Detour number four brought him right off of the road like never before.

"Uhm... You-You can sit on the bed if that's okay, I'll-I'll sit on the floor, then we can work on the project," you spoke hesitantly and shuffled to sit on what little space was left on the floor, but was stopped when Damian pulled you to sit beside him on the bed.

"There's enough space here for both of us," he argued and turned to you. "But- uhm- we don't have any space for the project then."

You were right, he supposed, as he saw that both of you sitting on the bed were basically taking up all the mattress had to offer. He sighed and decided that he was already neck deep into whatever was happening so he might as well see where it was going.

"Then we won't do the project today," he stated in the same tone that left nothing up for discussion and you seemed almost relieved, "We can work on it tomorrow after school in the library."

"O-Okay, I'm sorry it's so-" You stopped in your tracks, seemingly on the verge of tears, and then gave it another go, "-I'm sorry you came here for nothing, I can lead you to the door."

"I'm not leaving yet," Damian said much to your surprise as he saw the shock displayed on your face, "first I want you to tell me what is going on here." He tried to tell himself that it was just his vigilante persona shining through, but deep inside he knew it was you that made him so curious about this situation.

"What do you mean?" you squeaked, obviously - but badly - trying to hide something. Damian let his instincts lead him as he quickly took your hand and pulled up your sleeve, he had been noticing how you were playing with it every time you were scared or ashamed. He wasn't all too surprised to see blue, purple, green and yellow splotches littered over the area, some bruises new, some old. You tried to pull your hand away, but Damian's grip stayed strong.

He pulled your hand even closer to him as he inspected the arm and asked: "Did your parents do that to you?" He looked up at your face and saw tears welling up in your eyes. It made you look even more fragile and delicate than he already thought you looked like throughout the day, but it also made this rage well up inside of Damian. How dare these people make you cry, how dare they hurt you. He wanted to rip them apart, wanted to make sure nothing and no one ever hurt you again.

"Tell me the truth, I will help you, I promise," Damian encouraged you and received a weak nod from you as your tears started to flow down your face in streaks. "Okay, give me a second, I'll be right back, don't worry." Damian used his blazer's sleeve to gently wipe away some of the tears - something that his family would believe to be a lie if you had told him about it - and got up to leave the room to call Alfred to come pick him and you up.

He told Alfred that he'd be inviting a friend for a sleepover, hanging up on a too-stunned-to-speak Alfred who was surely already on his way to inform Bruce of this new development, he didn't bother to tell him that he planned for it to be a more... permanent... sleepover.

You needed him, you needed him to protect you, to care for you, to make sure you never again had a reason to cry. You were such a pure, fragile soul, one that didn't deserve to be left alone in this cruel world, he was sure that once his father had met you he'd understand. He'd feel the same way. You'd be safe with them, they'd become your family, the family you deserved and needed.

And if Bruce didn't agree if Bruce told him that he was crazy, that he couldn't just take you away from your life, no matter how bad it was, and take over your entire existence... well, he had already become ready to derail his entire plan, had become ready to redraw the entire map of his life just for him to have you along, so he might as well return to his roots because he was sure his mother would be more than happy to take you in as long as it made Damian return...

[sakumz]

____________________________________________

「 lu guang x gn reader 」

a/n : I doubt there's many readers for this but THIS MAN OH MAH GAWDD I just started link click... every episode makes me wanna cry when xiaoshi punched him and instead of getting angry he comforted him MY GOODNESS

warnings : a little ooc, reader in hospital...

____________________________________________

" you seem pretty spaced out lately, lu. " xiaoshi playfully punches the white haired boy on the shoulder as he drops his phone from the impact.

" sorry... it's just... remember y/n l/n? " lu guang looks directly at cheng xiaoshi as he ponders for a while before replying.

" yeah, they were from our school though they transferred away halfway. what's up? "

" their brother texted me the other day, said they're in the hospital and well... "

" you've always liked them huh, want me to go to the past and confess on your behalf? " xiaoshi playfully winks as lu guang sighs out of relief. giving xiaoshi the photo he printed out earlier of you and him in the classroom.

" yeah, dont mess up. got it? " lu guang raise his hand.

" got it. " xiaoshi slaps his hand on lu's hand.

" was I that mesmerising in your eyes that you just had to take a picture of me and the golden hour? " you teased as you turn away from the window to look at the white haired boy as he snaps out of his gaze from you and put his phone down, mumbling a sorry.

' damn did you really take a picture without asking for permission? what a creep. ' xiaoshi teased in his head as a certain lu guang flushed red at the memory.

' they looked really pretty, now tell them you'll walk them home and confess then leave the picture. ' lu guang instructs.

" its getting late, I'll walk you home. " xiaoshi tells you as you accepts and pack your things.

exiting the school and walking behind the male, you can't help but feel nervous. xiaoshi occasionally peeks over you as lu guang mentally prepares what nonsense might sprout out of xiaoshi's mouth.

' so why do you want to confess to them? ' he asks.

' they woke up from a coma, their brother said they don't remember anything and have been crying almost every day ever since they woke up. I doubt this confession will change anything in the future but... '

' I get it, today was their last day at school. you didn't get the chance to confess as you ran away after snapping that photo. '

' you- well you're not entirely wrong. ahem focus on the task at hand, just repeat after me. '

" you're really pretty, bright like the sun. funny, kind and sweet. I'm not expecting an answer or whatever but just so you know. I love you a lot, and- " xiaoshi stopped walking as you bump onto his back, stumbling at the impact a little.

" I'm moving away tomorrow. if youre asking me to be your lover then I'm not so sure if a long distance relationship will work out. one might fall for another in the long run. " he's staring at you as you fidget at your spot. this was all so nerve-wracking to you.

" I know that. it's okay, I don't need to be your lover now or ever, but I hope you always remember that there's a guy that fell for you and that you're amazing no matter what. " xiaoshi can't help but sympathize with his friend's possible one-sided love.

" I-I'm sorry, " hearing the apology shocked both xiaoshi and lu guang, tears pricked onto the corners of your eyes as you aggressively wipe your eyes.

" I'm sorry, it's just... " crouching down to cover your face to cry wasn't helping the words come out of your mouth.

xiaoshi bends down to your height, " it's okay really! " he attempts to pat your head in hopes to comfort you but it only made your heart sank deeper.

" you're a sweet guy despite your h-hard and cold exterior. I truly loved you too but we can't be together! not now or ever, so many things might change for you and me. I'll be moving away tomorrow, to a far-away place. you and I- we won't make it as lovers with those circumstances! " lu guang sighs heavily as xiaoshi mentally panics, ' hello? lines quick! '

" umm, I don't know what to say besides goodluck on your departure. " hearing that, your sniffles stop as you glare at the man infront of you.

' don't say that idiot, tell them it's alright. I'll find them in the future eventually, just wait for me. ' so xiaoshi repeats after him.

hearing the words, renders you speechless at his confidence to find you. you broke into a smile as lu guang body's reacts with a faint blush on his face, heck even the real lu guang looking at you from xiaoshi's eyes was blushing. after the so-called confession session and successfully bringing you home. xiaoshi exits the photo.

" thank you, " lu guang peeks over to his friend sprawled out next to him on the couch.

" wanna visit them or what? " xiaoshi challenged to which lu guang sighs before agreeing.

after texting your brother for details, here they were starring at your figure looking out the window.

" am I still mesmerising in your eyes? why don't you take a picture of me and the golden hour, lu guang. " hearing the softness of your voice, he rushes by your side to give you a squeeze.

you feel his tears fall on you as you return the hug, you're home now. wherever he is, your heart will call it home. xiaoshi watches as his friend cries for you before walking away to give you guys more privacy.

" sorry, I can't help the tears. you- you remembered, " he stops crying to look at you. you were wearing a soft smile on your face, the faint blush was there but with the glowing sun behind you. you looked ethereal.

" I'm happy to see you too, waking up from a dream... that confession was what I last dreamed of, lu guang... I love you so much, " he takes a seat next to your bed, following to grab your cold hands with his larger and warmer hands.

" I love you just as much too. after you left, my heart couldn't move on from you. it longs for you, I miss you so much. I didn't want to bother nor distract you when you moved, so I didn't text you. when your brother texted about today, I can't help but feel the need to visit... I wasn't sure if doing so was right until a friend suggested it. "

" ha, that friend must've been cheng xiaoshi ? I think that's his name, "

" yeah, " he smiles fondly at today's fiasco.

" I've got so much to tell you, but for now... I'm feeling a little sleepy... " you mumbled out as you slowly changed position, moving one of your hands out of his hold. falling asleep with one hand of his in front of your face.

he watches fondly, your heartbeat in the monitor seems fine. he didn't change your future, seeing as the major event where you were in the hospital still exists. heck, you must've been telling on your brother about him despite not talking to lu guang eversince but, for your brother to even bother to reach out to him like that... does that mean you were fated to meet him once more? he can't help but smile a little at the thought.

" I've got so much to tell you too, " he says as he closes his eyes and places his head above the arm, holding onto your hand. he falls asleep from the sounds in the room. how he truly can't wait for things to play out. he didn't really change the future now, did he?

[v3nusxsky]

Hey!! Are are you?!?! Hope your having a great day/night whenever you are seeing this, I'm obsessed with your work and was wondering if I can request a lady lesso x fem reader where r is having really bad period cramps at school so she takes the day off, so lesso goes to comfort her but the lesso manspreads so r gets all shy and horny but she's on her period but lesso says she doesn't care then lots of smut ;) BUT then lots of aftercare and fluff.

If you decide to write it thank you so much!! I saw this with a larissa one and id just like to see it with lesso, have a good day :)♡♡

Cramps from hell| mixed

*Authors note~ ooo okay so this is a new take on the idea I'm hoping I can do it some justice*

a/n part 2~ only one fic tonight as a family member was in a car accident early hours yesterday so that’s kinda taken over today should be okay to post normally tomorrow I’m sorry guys

Trigger warnings~ period pains, period sex, mommy kink magical strap on bell rubs marking

Prompt~ see ask^^^^^

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

You always hated your period, the pain it had brought you over the years. You'd often had to take days off to rest and get over the worst of the pain. Despite how painful it was for you, you never really had heavy periods. It was like you went through all the pain for nothing. Leonora knew of your situation and it became a pattern during the months you'd been together. It was all that made sense, your periods were kicking your ass and she heard recently that sex could help elevate the horrid cramping.

You were miserable in bed, blankets wrapped around you as you withered around in pain. "How we doing little dove? Still sore darling?" Lesso's voice washed over you causing you to instantly reach out for the woman. "Mmm hurts Leo" you whimpered  as your girlfriend came to sit with you. It must be lunch hour for her to be here. Her hands found your hair to soothingly scratching at your skull.  You turned to nestle closer to the red head when you noticed her sitting with her legs spread wide open.

"Mommy?" You whimpered before you could even catch it. Clearly your hormones were on a wild ride due to the period. You were struggling with the urge to just beg for her to rail you. To help make the pain go away for a while. "Dove?" She mumbled to you before catching a glance of your flushed face. "Oh baby, do you need mommy?" Her teasing was certainly enough to have you ducking your head before nodding in admission. "Mommy, I know it's yucky there but you spread your legs like that, I just want you to take me" you explained before rolling away from the woman feeling truly embarrassed for even asking.

Leonora got up and you thought she was leaving. Only then did you hear the tale tale signs of the door to her bedside table opening and closing. Leonora happy slipped on the double ended strap, before coming back to the bed. Her lips instantly attaching themselves to yours in a loving passionate kiss. You were truly addicting and if Leonora could help you then she would. After all she could watch many suffer pain, but never you.

"Up dove, gotta put a towel down gorgeous" she murmured, using her finger glow to summon a red towel.  "Now mommys gonna make it all better sweetheart, let's get that hoodie off" she muttered against your neck as she helped get rid of the clothing. It wasn't long before you were bare besides your underwear, covered in purple marks. "Are you sure mommy? You don't have to" you whispered feeling slightly insecure now. "It will help with the pain dove, toys can always be cleaned love" she moved her kisses down your stomach, with a quick glance to get some more confirmation it was okay before carfully riding you of your underwear. "Such a pretty pussy for mommy" she purred as she added lube to her shaft. "Ready darling?"

You could've cried when she entered your sensitive folds, "Mommy!"  A smirk on her lips as she purred at you, "so good darling, so good for mommy. I'll make those cramps go away for you." It didn't take long to bring you over the edge due to your added sensitivity, she came for you at the same time. You couldn't help but cling to Lesso as she stilled her hips. "Let's clean you up precious girl" she murmured before helping you get clean, magicking the strap clean for coming to hold you, her hands rubbing slow and firm circles into your abdomen. "How's my girl feeling?" With a happy sigh you snuggled closer to the woman, "better thank you my mommy."

Word count ~ 787

[maymayandthehog]

OKAY. I GUESS THAT'S FAIR ENOUGH. LOOK, LET ME MAKE ONE THING CLEAR UP FRONT, OK? I'M NOT TRYING TO DO SOME KIND OF BACK DOOR STUNT HERE, LOOKING TO WEASEL INTO A PLACE WHERE I ALREADY KNOW I'M NOT WANTED SO I CAN GET "ACCESS" OR WHATEVER. I'M SO OVER THE WHOLE MESS. I DON'T HAVE "REVENGE ON MY MIND" OR A "COMEBACK TOUR" OR WHATEVER. HAD TIME, BEEN FORCED THROUGH INVOLUNTARY PSYCHIATRIC CONFINEMENT, HAD MY WHOLE HISTORY DOXXED ALL OVER THE INTERNET, ALL THAT JAZZ.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO CIRCLE THE WAGONS. I WANTED TO MOVE ON BUT ONE OF THE BIZILLION UNIVERSAL VARIANTS OF YOUR GRUNKLE JUST CRASHED INTO MY LIVING ROOM, AND HE WANTS TO MAKE A DEAL WITH ME, AND I'M... NEVER MIND. THIS ISN'T YOUR PROBLEM.

(@annoyangle)

Candy, cut the stream.

"What? But we haven't even gotten to the Caps for Capybaras segment yet—"

I said cut the stream!

---

She pushed back in her seat, wheels scraping against the floor as they fought desperately against the decade's worth of grime, rust, and sugar gumming up their axles.

Candy and Grenda exchanged a look. The emails were blind printed in advance in order to provide a truly authentic host reaction. There had always been some level of risk involved in this, and over the years they had received a few oddball questions (typically signed with a cursive double G), but this was the first time they had to kill a stream mid-response.

One of the capybaras chittered to itself. Grenda set a large box of hats down on the table next to it, and gave it a stern shhhh.

"NOT NOW. THE HOST IS THINKING."

Mabel stood, the abrupt movement nearly sending her chair toppling backwards. Clapping her hands together, she turned to face the two, and gave both a slightly strained smile.

"Girls! It's been a long day, right? We've all worked hard. Grenda, you carried all SIX of those capybaras up here on your shoulders! I know my back would be screaming!"

"MY MUSCLES ARE LIKE IRON, BUT EVEN IRON CAN BREAK," Grenda wearily agreed.

"It's important to remember to bend with your knees," said Candy. She looked a bit uncertain. "Perhaps we could take a short rest..."

"Great!" Mabel began folding the print out, and slid the paper into her back pocket. "We have the capybaras until tomorrow morning. Let's meet early and we can hammer out the rest of today's shoot. It wont be a live audience, but, I mean, given our track record, I think our fans will find it in their hearts to forgive us—"

"Ah, yes, of course, but, Mabel—"

"I mean, twelve years and not a single missed episode. I'd say that's pretty good!"

"Yes, it's excellent, but Mabel—"

"And it's not like we didn't save the world or anything! If nothing else, they gotta cut us some slack for that, right?!"

"Mabel!"

"Errr.... yes, Candy?"

"It's okay. We don't have to finish the episode. We are just... worried! The question—it seemed to upset you."

"Oh," Mabel faltered a bit. Her hand hovered briefly over the small, paper rectangle, then dropped at her side. "No, I'm okay. Just... a lot to think about, you know? School's starting Tuesday and I still have so much to do... Just your typical pre-class jitters. Every teacher gets 'em!”

“You don't.”

Mabel circled out from behind the table, so that she could throw an arm around Candy's shoulders and begin steering her towards the door. “Haha, what can I say? You’re looking at a more mature Mabel this year! With age comes anxiety! I guess it’s bad enough that one weird email was enough to throw me off my game. But I'll be better tomorrow, promise."

"Hmm,” hmmed Candy.

"I'll let you take the capybaras home,” Mabel offered, weakly.

"YEAHHH! CAPYBARAS!" Grenda flung her fists into the air. "THEY'RE LIKE BUNNIES THAT YOU CAN RIDE!" She reached down and grabbed one of the rodents by its mid-section, then hauled it up over her shoulders. It squeaked.

Candy turned towards her, alarmed. "Your knees, Grenda! Use your knees!"

As Grenda barreled out of the room and down the creaking stairwell, Candy gave Mabel a final look. "Well, so long as you're sure... I suppose we can finish Sunday." She looked down at the five remaining animals. "And they are very cute."

"They're soooooo cute.”

"Okay. Sunday. What time?"

"Uhhh... I'll text you?"

"Right." For a moment, the ghost of a frown weighed down Candy's features, but dissipated as she seemed to reach a decision. Carefully, she began to usher the rest of the capybaras into the hall. "Okay, capybaras. This way."

"Bye, Candyyyy!"

"Goodbye, Mabel. Let us know if you need to talk. Our ears are always open."

"Yeah..." Mabel waved, still smiling as the lock clicked into place. "I know."

Standing in the now empty attic, Mabel sighed and glanced towards the streaming set up. The light were still on, the boom mic still stood by her seat. She navigated back to the table, bent, and unplugged the powerstrip. The lights shut off.

"Okay, Bill," she said, straightening. "I know you're here. Let's talk."

[marina41trench]

Izumi Iori - PTT Xmas RabbitChat 2/5: Immersed in Otters

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Tsumugi: Thank you for your hard work at the site!

Tsumugi: It was really cute seeing you and Riku-san play with the otters!

Iori: Thank you for your work as well.

Iori: I have expected that that was the job's objective.

Iori: Anyway, isn’t Nanase-san a bit too feisty today?

Tsumugi: He looked like he really enjoyed it!

Because he was truly looking forward to today's location!

Iori: I don't mind that. But I’d be more grateful if he’s more composed.

Iori: Thanks to that, I was completely soaked.

Tsumugi: It’s the time where they went wild in the shower room! ><

Is your body chilly?

Iori: The water was warm so I’m fine. I can’t believe he turned the faucet on while the shower head was still in place.

Tsumugi: He must’ve been completely absorbed looking at those otters!

Tsumugi: Thanks to you, your suggestion that getting your clothes soaked was alright helped!

Iori: It's just because of my presumption that otters are very lively animals.

Iori: Well, I’m glad that Nanase-san wasn’t completely soaked.

Tsumugi:

Tsumugi: It was well-received by the staff as well!

Tsumugi: The producer praised both of you, saying that the way you looked after them feels like IDOLiSH7!

Iori: I'’m sure they captured that image.

Tsumugi:

Iori: By the way, Manager. They took some pictures of us. What is it for?

Tsumugi: They thought it would be great if the fans would be informed of the situation at your work!

Tsumugi: They captured a lot of pictures where the two of you were taking care of them!

CHOICES

1) Such as a photo of Riku-san putting otters to sleep…

Iori: They fell asleep while he's singing a lullaby.

The otters looking very comfortable as they sleep was really memorable.

2) Such as a photo of Iori-san giving otters food…

Iori: They were skillful eating with their little hands.

They finished eating in the blink of an eye, I wish I could see more of it.

3) Such as a photo of the two of you giving otters a bath…

Iori: Nanase-san looked happy and said, “They were cute playing with a duck toy.”

I was soothed by it as well.

Tsumugi: It was very cute!

They took a lot of photos of other things as well!

Iori: Can you send the photos to me? I want to give it a review before it gets released to the public.

Tsumugi: Sure!

Tsumugi: It only contains pictures of otters, is that okay with you?

Iori: Selecting photos will take time, so please send all of it.

I believe it's quicker, please do it tonight.

Tsumugi:

Tsumugi: I’ll send it after this conversation.

Tsumugi: I believe you’re on day-off tomorrow, so please take it slowly.

Iori: Leisure is a bit difficult, but I'll make sure I'll take a rest.

Tsumugi: Do you have any plans?

Iori: I'll have a group study with Yotsuba-san.

Tsumugi: A group study! That reminds me, Tamaki-san also mentioned it!

Tsumugi: If he gets a failing mark, he gets supplementary lessons that overlap with the Christmas Party, right?

Iori: Yes. Thanks to that, he’s more determined now.

Tsumugi: Thank you for doing your best in school, even though you're busy with work!

Tsumugi:

Iori: Studying won't be difficult.

Teaching Yotsuba-san will be a review for me as well, so it won't be a problem.

Iori: Also, I had him accompany me in dance practice between studies recently.

Tsumugi: That reminds me, the two of you practiced until late.

Iori: Yotsuba-san is better at dancing.

His instructions are somewhat easy to understand, and his advice is on point.

Iori: I wish he could use that to focus on studying as well.

Tsumugi:

Tsumugi: It’s give-and-take!

He has my support so that he doesn’t get failing marks!

Iori: He will study under me, so I will make sure he doesn’t get them.

Tsumugi:

[inkofamethyst]

March 13, 2024

Happy covid-iversary, yay. "Two weeks to stop the spread," is a saying that will haunt me my entire life, I think.

I didn't actually journal on March 13 which is a shame in hindsight, but I remember not doing much. I lounged around my house because classes were cancelled, I picked my sister up from school, and we went to get ice cream. A lot of other people from my/her high school had the same idea, so the line was long, and I was too awkward to say hi to the people I kinda knew (but I always thought they were cooler than me (I genuinely think most people are cooler than me... which might be a problem in some respects, but I'll deal with that later.)).

Anyway I coded for 5 hours straight and got a working encounter system, a working character creator, and a working opponent set generator. There's still a lot to move from my note to the script, but, the game works, and everything I've written runs as intended. Is it fun? Well, right now, it's all the same. Name yourself, fight one-fight two-fight three (each only requiring one or two inputs), game ends. It was exciting the first couple of times, but now I want to add more for more variety, of course.

[edit: wrote the above a couple days ago and after a break it has returned to being kind of fun. I've also learned that instantaneousness kills all tension, so I wrote a few basic functions to delay and separate lines in various ways. Anyway I'm going to hold off on doing much more transcribing/coding from my pseudocode, since I don't want to get too far ahead of the final project timeline, and I don't even really know what the expectations are, so I could be way outside of bounds here and I just wouldn't know.]

[edit 2, next day: New plan. Going to write more detailed pseudo/update poorly-detailed pseudo, do some story planning for the secret ending that I don't intend to get to but hey yaneverknow, and try to balance mechanics/come up with items/do a bunch of the little things that sap a surprising amount of creativity.]

I also binged She-Hulk, and I loved it?! I thought it was going to be awful and cringey the way people online (dudes?) talked about it, but it was genuine, and meta, and actually had me laughing at times. I mean, that last episode? Come on!!! Sure, some of the vfx were just alright, but it's a show, and after six-odd years of AOS, I'm used to it. I'm glad they leaned into the unseriousness. Also,,,, Matt Murdock is such a hottie. The quips, the law banter, the violence, ahhhh. My dnd-friend strongly endorses Daredevil, but I've held off because I was afraid of the violence, honestly. But I'm a big girl, and I'm very good at closing my eyes.

Today I'm thankful for a successful antiquing run!!!! Early last semester I heard about this antique market, and I finally put in the effort to get there today, and it was amazing!!! I was looking for shared housewares (found the specific item I was looking for!) and unique vintagey jewelry. Didn't quite manage to find anything truly vintage, but I got a darling piece of simple costume jewelry and the most fantastic mug that's shaped like a head of lettuce (this description does not do its beauty justice). The necklace will be perfect for when I finally make my way to the opera, and the mug is like something a fairy would drink from. I stayed within my budget which means I have just a little bit left in my allowance to thrift for clothes, maybe on Friday or Saturday (since I'll be in lab all day tomorrow).

By the way, the antique store was amazing. It has at least five floors (I got tired after three and a half) and is filled to the brim with some of the most eclectic stuff you could ever find, with old-timey radios playing music from various eras throughout. Magical. I could waste a lot of money there.

Oh wait, before I go, yesterday was such a busy day that I didn't even journal but I:

Met up with a lab/classmate and their partner for a lunch and a stroll in the city which was fantastic. My original plan was to go see Dune and also to pick up some (red, short, block) heels I'd ordered, but I didn't end up liking the heels on me very much, and I was enjoying the pair's company too much to cut the time short with a three-hour movie.

Went to a paint night through a diversity org I'm in which was also fantastic. I painted a cute little mushroom scene! I don’t really consider myself a visual artist and I’m not a huge fan of acrylic but it was very relaxing so I’d love to try watercolor sometime. Also like,, because this isn’t my "preferred medium" it was SO nice to not be stressed about perfection and just go for it.

[fizzingwizard]

first the good news:

went back to that new store I found and bought 1) some blocks that spell Halloween, 2) an autumn-themed embroidered place mat, and 3) a ceramic pumpkin house!! you're meant to put a candle in it but I'm gonna put my Little My figurine <3 I want to make an autumn and Moomins display this year. All of it cost me less than 1000yen, and there were lots of other cute things too, so I'll probably go back. I couldn't buy any mushroom- or ghost-themed things this time and I really want some. Also this will motivate me to finally clean up that one corner of my apartment which has been taken over by cardboard boxes.

now work-related bitching (looong rant)

It's amazing how fast I can go from feeling more or less okay to super duper stressed

We're on a prep/PD week (among other things). Usually, we use this week to clean our classrooms, prepare class decor and activities for the new term, have event meetings, and do the bulk of the prop- and artwork for our sports festival next month. This is because when we have the kids at the school, there is no space anywhere to spread out and work, or let things dry, etc. We have to paint big banners as well as our own T-shirts.

However, this year, the T-shirts and banners didn't come in on time. I don't know if they are late or we were late ordering them. We might get the T-shirts tomorrow, but it seems unlikely we'll see the banners for a while. Which is really annoying because the banners are big and really need to be painted without kids around. My classroom in particular has kids in it literally all day. We do both naptime and morning/afternoon supervision in, and occasionally snack. On the days we don't do snack in my room, I still can't use my classroom to paint the banner, because I will 100% definitely be on snack duty. (That whole understaffing thing you know.) So yeah, as I've whined about before, I never ever ever have my classroom to myself, so doing things like cleaning it properly and decorating it is made infinitely more difficult.

So I'm already backed up with that - two more things I'll have to figure out a way to do sometime in September. I also couldn't do a lot in my classroom because the leaders used it aaaall day for meetings today. I spent the time decorating the hallway instead. If anyone comes at me for making decorations instead of organizing my classroom, I'll explode. I can't fix up a classroom if I'm not allowed inside it.

What's truly pissing me off, though, is I did as much work as I thought I had to do before I started decorating - I made posters and emails I needed to do, I had meetings about the two events I'm currently leading, and I prepped four crafts including going to the store and using up our budget. I don't like to be behind. When I have something to do, I try to get it done as quickly as possible, one because I might forget about it otherwise (out of sight, out of mind), and two because I hate having things looming over me as more work piles up as it definitely will.

But then we have this meeting and my coworker, who is a sports festival leader, is like here are the due dates for sports festival stuff. And one of the due dates is... tomorrow?? I said since when and I think she said that she told us at the "meeting earlier this week." I say I think she said so because it makes no sense to me, as we didn't have such a meeting, so I'm wondering if she meant a different meeting we had two or three weeks ago, when we did in fact discuss some roles and dates. However, when I talked to other coworkers who were at the meeting, they also were unsure when she had told us the dates or what meeting she was talking about.

But like I said, we did at some point talk about what needed to be done. Maybe we did or didn't hear confirmed dates, but it's stuff we do every year, so we knew it was coming. (I mean half the staff are brand spanking new so they know absolutely nothing... which probably contributed to the misunderstanding... but anyway) So then I was like, if that's the case, how did I mess up? Because I don't usually forget this stuff, if something is my responsibility it gets done sooner rather than later so I don't have to think about it anymore. So looking into it, I think there is some confusion (or at least I'm confused) about the way things are being handled this year. Generally we all take charge of our own class's workload for the festival. But this year there was a sign up sheet for who wanted what role. It was never formally announced who got it, so there's just like five people all signed up to write the script x'D and only two to make the programs etc. Also, to me, if someone signs up to make the script, for example, that means they are going to put the scripts that each class writes for their own class together - not write the script for all the classes. That's an enormous amount of work for one person, not to mention classroom teachers usually want to write our own class script. But I'm wondering if I misunderstood, because after I freaked out after the meeting and did a lot of that sort of work to meet the deadline of tomorrow, another coteacher who is also a sports festival leader came to me and said "That bit is my job, you don't have to worry about it." But 1) how can it be just her job when both me and our third coworker need to talk it over together before she can finalize it and we haven't done that? and 2) if it is individual teacher's job, how come when I checked the progress today, no one had done anything?? The deadline chosen by the leaders is tomorrow, and even the leaders hadn't done anything yet...?

Also there is a heavy reliance on Google Chat for sharing information, but rather than organize it all in a specific chat just for the festival, it's all randomly tangled in our usual group chat, which makes finding things and keeping up with things even harder (I already don't find Google Chat conducive to organization and hate it being used as a replacement for in person meetings because we don't have time for them).

Anyway so I was incredibly confused because it's not like any of this is hard - it's at worst time-consuming, WHICH IS WHY I TRY TO DO IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. So I just sat down after the meeting and fucking did it. And apparently people thought I was angry? I don't know that for sure, but both of my coworkers apologized to me, and I was like it's nothing to do with you, it's just me being stressed. I hope they know it was stress and not anger. I did tell them flat out but they laughed, and sometimes I just feel like such an alien. I seemed to be the only one remotely keyed up that the DEADLINE IS TOMORROW and nothing is done. Even though other people were like "Oh no, I didn't know either! That's really soon! How will we get it done?" they then continued on without any sense of urgency. To be fair, I know it's a somewhat arbitrary date. But am I the only one who's ever been chewed out for this stuff before? My first year here, there was so much pressure all the time. Now it's like there's none, which would be great if it didn't mean everyone having to hustle at the last minute - or certain teachers doing the brunt of the work while others just completely?? ignore?? the fact that it's their duty as well. It's like I'm not sure if this is flexibility or just total indifference. Like am I just that rigid or it is not at all bizarre to find out you have multiple things due tomorrow, act shocked, and then just... not do them anyway...? :/

To top all THAT off. We had ANOTHER meeting after the sports festival meeting, in which we had to talk about an event which won't happen until DECEMBER. We have four or five events before that one. It is a big event, and we only get one month to plan for it, which is way too little time, in fact it's pretty stupid how little time we're given to work it all out, BUT ANYWAY. So they tell us "This year, to make things easier on your teachers, we're giving you more work!" X'D I kid you not. They introduced a brand new framework for the event and said it's to make our lives easier. Spoiler alert: it doesn't. It's basically busy work for teachers that we have to pretend is about the students. IMO, it's really just using the teachers and students as advertisements for the school, TO SHOW TO PARENTS WHO ALREADY SEND THEIR KIDS TO THE SCHOOL. Of course, I'm pro keeping parents in touch with what their kids are doing and learning. I love showing them photos and slideshows about the kids' progress. That's not the issue. The issue is that the framework they've given us iS nOt AgE aProPRIaTE fOR tODdlErs!!! They just slapped us with the same framework they use for the kindergarteners and said "Oh don't worry, we know your kids aren't really capable of doing this yet, just you know do it in a loose way." Reading between the lines, IMO what they are saying is we don't actually have to do anything because the kids can't, we just have to make it look like we kinda sorta made an effort at it anyway. And they think this is easy, because it's vague! But surprise! Being vague makes it HARDER! Anyone can just say "I don't get how this fits the framework" and they'll be RIGHT because it DOESN'T because what you're asking us to do is NOT POSSIBLE FOR TODDLERS. I did ask how this was possible, and was given an example that, while fine, did not actually fit the framework. So all in all, it's probably not something I need to worry about... though it might be... though it probably isn't...? It's just some extra work for me :D for no particular reason! :D :D

Oh and also also. The leader telling us about this change was like, "You all learned some about this new framework over the last couple of years. What did your schools do to implement it?" with this big shit-eating grin because he knows we did NADA. Not our fault! We didn't even know we had to do something! It was up to the leaders, our severely overworked leaders, who did try to implement something but were too busy to keep it going. And from talking to other campuses, their experience is similar. So this is all just company blah-blah-blah "look at us we're so cutting edge and progressive, while understaffing our schools and overworking and underpaying our teachers" BS.

I might've handled it all better if I hadn't just had a full day of meetings about the sports festival, the assembly I'm running in two weeks, the Halloween party I'm also running, and the upcoming classroom observations. Add on the winter event and its new framework and I was just so fucking done. All of my coworkers seemed totally fine! I'm the only one who is stressed! I literally can't with this job. They pile heaps on you and then make it as impossible as they can for you to plan and organize things neatly. I never really thought of myself as a particularly organized person before I started working here, but APPARENTLY I am - or at least I'm a person who needs to be organized to feel not stressed. I always think about the worst case scenario, not to catastrophize, but to plan for every eventuality. That's all. I'm not trying to rain on anyone's parade. But we shouldn't leave things to the last minute. We shouldn't not follow up with things and then be like "deadline's tomorrow didn't you know?" and then look at the people who are concerned about that like they've suddenly grown an extra head. Also we should be able to ask questions about changes that we don't understand. I get it, I'm not the bubbly vivacious type, I try to modulate my tone but I suppose I do sound argumentative sometimes, when really what I mean is just to express that I'm confused. I wasn't questioning the framework just to be a little bitch about it. I genuinely don't get it. And I think the reason is because I'm not supposed to get it, it genuinely is stupid, and we're all just meant to go along with it because The Company Hath Decreed And Y'all Don't Get Any Say. I hate hate hate that shit at work. I understand what it is and why it happens perfectly well, I just can't hide how fucking stupid I think it is. Maybe everyone else does too but they can hide it. Or maybe they really do think it's good. I mean it isn't bad, lol. It's just a lot of nothing. Me questioning it is treated like "We're talking about kids learning values. Are you against kids learning values??" and obviously NO! of course I'm not! I'm not questioning teaching them values, I'm questioning how tf we're going to make actual babies demonstrate them to parents in a way that isn't obviously just the teacher taking manipulative pictures 9_9 I'm sorry but my kids learn by biting each other and then talking about why so-and-so it crying (hint: it's because you bit him!) I doubt parents want pictures of that. lol. It's just not genuine and it's got such a slimy "school brochure" kind of vibe, ugh.

[whydoyouwannaknowmyusername]

jan, 30th

i feel so shitty today lol. i'm so bad at restricting (fastinh >>>), i had whole bread and freaking cheese for breakfast, but bc of it i got no lecturing. had salad for lunch and binged on so many fucking sweets. not why i'm feeling shitty tho. i have freaking insolation and am just coming out of my period. my shoulders are all burning, it'll be at least tomorrow for me to feel hydrated again and my muscles hurt too, can barely raise my arms without burning.

i went trekking to a waterfall yesterday and, the stress of the road and emotional rollerscoaster of pms aside, it was rlly nice. my fav part was photographing my aunts and editing the pics later. i'm so proud of my pictures. but i did not want to be photographed. my body looks so weird and wobbly and enourmous on a bikini, i couldn't possibily. they are straight sized but they don't need to be skinny to be pretty, or even to be pretty at all. we took selfies, and at the time i was absolutely sure of my decision. but now i feel a bit grievous of it bc the pics i took of them turned out so marvelous they posted immediately and i so wish i had one there on the waterfall too. granted my body was bleeding a freaking endometrium so i give myself a license for being bloated and wanting to crawl under a shell. i want some aspects of idealized adulthood so much (idealized by me ofc). working an intership and paying for my own waxing as regular as needed so i'll always feel better in a bikini - that helps a lot for me, everything from the neck down begone pls. and paying for a membership at a gym or a voleyball school (though that one's truly expensive) a lot of ed tumblr is just actively hating our bods, but i just do that so frequently against my will that i need to cultivate some balance. i don't need to hate who i am to change how i am rn. for some ppl it's a boost for results but i guess i'm just a sweestpo girlie - i'm slow in that & it's a love and hate. but today for example, i wanna eat some fruits, rest up and really take care. not half-a-banana-for-the-whole-day, which is what i feel i should do. i can't stop the voices and the tormenting around food every single hour of every day in my life. i can't stop the eat-helthy!-you're-so-fucking-disgusting!-eat-to-feel-better!-are-you-dumb?!. i can't stop my triggers, i can't undo my purges and binges, i can't make my mind neutral to food and to my body and helpful to a healthy-ish weightloss. but i have these impulses to take care. true care, not stuffing my face bc i'm dumb and wired to use food as comfort. true care, like eating a lot of fruit - and the sugar in them - after a day of insolation. and i think i should listen to them every once in a while.

[returntosaturn271995]

Saturday, August 5th: Toddler Steps

Progress gets both easier and harder as you step up the levels. For one thing, nothing is more intense and lacking purpose than telling a depressed person to go on a five-minute walk. I still vividly remember my heartbeat jumping with unexpected joy when I just took a walk listening to music during covid. It took me forever to realize my daily coffee walk was something I had loved: in high school, and college, an excuse to duck out of my stupid first jobs.

Then it was walking to the beach and back. That lasted a year and was usually my favorite part of the day. Now it's running there and walking back. There's that old saying: If you can't fly then run. If you can't run then walk. If you can't walk then crawl. But whatever you do keep moving forward. (No word on the clinically depressed people who legit sit down in the shower. Yes, I used to do that. Like, a lot.)

And here's the thing, crawling is way harder than walking. You go slower and it fucks up your knees. It's just easier to pick up your stride. It feels better to power walk even if you look like an absolute asshole doing it if you aren't a woman holding weights in her mid-50s.

But the walk-to-run transition? Difficult. Weird. Not impossible. Not comfortable. I think about stopping more than I should, but I ignored the little voice in my head until I hit the 12-minute mark. That was today's goal.

It's day 1/22 of my running challenge and I joined Nike Run Club for a goal of 25 K of running this month. My pace is 9.16. Slow? Yes. But did it actually happen and I didn't just tell myself I would run? Also yes. It's real. Although according to "pacepassion.com": "A 9 min mile is very good for a physically fit woman."

So there you go. The scholars have spoken.

Nike Run Club is a little intense, but even if I'm too scared for the 35-minute long run. I'm confident enough to go 14 minutes tomorrow. Which isn't impressive. But it's several hundred steps, I could have ignored it and didn't. I caught my own reflection in the bathroom mirror this morning while I was putting on sunscreen and brushing my teeth, I'm changing.

Oh and according to the government, we have evidence of aliens? But unless they are going to help pay my rent I truly don't it have in me to process it. Global warming? A new job? Feeding myself? Working out? Hinge dates?

How much is a modern woman really supposed to take in? Like I really have time for extra-terrestrials. I have enough to deal with as a terrestrial. Honestly, that's how I know our planet is fucked, because the aliens didn't even bother to invade us. They sent like one ship down here, looked around, and was like, "Nah fam, not worth it".

New roommate Mckenna left an empty bottle of wine in the recycling. I like her. She calls Lumos, "Lu" with affection, but then again he hasn't peed on her bed yet. All in good time.

Also had a fun hour Facetime date with Dasha. Ugh, I miss her. I'll have to go back to Seattle again at some point. We picked out Christmas presents early for her new BF's family: Wine for the Dad, CBD chocolate for the mom, and a half-baked harvest cookbook for the brother. For his sister, whose Instagram presence screams CAT, I suggested a pet portrait.

Once I start making more money next week, I'll have to start buying presents. I love a little gift-giving here and there.

[phantasy-castle]

Going to see how tomorrow goes before I realize a new purpose in life and develop a positive attitude, go buy a gun, start studying for a TEFL certificate so I can fuck off entirely, or, like... book a hotel in Orlando and go to Universal by myself. Who knows. I want tomorrow to go well. Didn't do myself any favors today to prepare for tomorrow though. I jerked off three times to ERP with a bot and didn't even step outside once. I ate a sandwich and Walmart pizza.

Starting to realize though that my misery wasn't completely self-developed... won't get into it because thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. As of right now, I don't have any intention of incriminating anyone in my suicide letter.

Here's what I'll try to do: I'll to bed early tonight. I'll wake up early tomorrow. Earlier than usual. I'll clean up and go hang out at the Lantana library, reviewing everything I've made notes on and just watching all those Sporty's videos. Maybe I'll mess around with flight simulator for an hour before I go. I'll try to act unbothered for like two hours at this school... then I'll review my options afterwards. I think... if the whole prospect truly does bother me... I'll still get my PPL and see how I feel afterwards. I think that's the best choice and while I'm wrong about a lot of things, it seems very reasonable. Because I will have tried and I won't develop a whole headspace about the subject, like I did about the USPS working at that fucking school. Not picking up that certified, by the way. Literally eat my ass, monkeys.

All I'm going to say is... I hope tomorrow is a good day.

[likeaphoenixrise]

Let's talk about the difference between wanting so badly to change something and just not having the mental capacity to do it. I don't mean never having the mental capacity, I just mean some days aint the day. I've dealt with hell after hell since I was 3 years old. There isn't a day, especially within the last several years that I haven't wanted to be better and to heal. C-PTSD, although they don't actually recognize it as a mental disorder yet, what it does is very real. It rewires your brain, against your will. They say it's to protect you in the moment, or later or whatever, I don't actually give a shit why it does it, I just want my brain back. I want so badly to rewire the parts of my brain that tell me that I am in a constant fight. And I have two choices, fight or flight. There's also freeze or fawn, but I don't get those options. My brain 9 times out of 10 say stand up and fight, or get the hell out of here. And not just when things are tense, or scary, or uncertain. No, when things are fun, and light, and carefree. I am in a constant feeling of not knowing how to behave in any other way than like I am in a warzone. So, on the days that my want to be better and to heal just isn't fucking enough, I choose to give myself grace. I choose to show myself the same empathy and compassion, that I am so willing to bestow on others. Perfect strangers even. I will beat this. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but there will be a day sooner rather than later that I tell C-PTSD to kiss my whole ass. Thank you for "protecting" me, but you've literally done enough damage. There will be a day when a door can slam, and I don't jump out of my skin. There will be a day, where I can enjoy a whole day without feeling like I have to fight or flee. Ya know, the what if's of healing, used to really scare me, but what the fuck if? Could a hypothetical situation brought on by healing really be something that I couldn't handle? Could it be something worse than what I've already survived? And not just survived, I've thrived. I am thriving. I am in school, I have a partner, I have friends, I am able to help people where they are, I am able, despite the absolute HELL I've encountered not once but multiple times, to still be someone who loves with everything in me. We should definitely look at the things that need to be healed. But damnit it's fucking time to look at all the things that I held onto. All of the love that I could have easily and understandably thrown away, that I kept inside of me and willingly give to others without any guarantee that I'll get it in return or that a relationship will work. What about the fact that I am able to be someone who people can count on? If you need me, I am there. I am there a lot of the times before you need me. There are most assuredly areas in my life and mental health that need a complete healing. But I will not overlook the places in my life and mental health where I thrive. I'm done treating myself like I would never treat anyone else. I am done focusing on the negative and the bad and the things that need to be fixed, I am going to focus on the amazing attributes that a girl who has been raped more times than she can count, a girl who was abused and controlled in not one but two marriages, a girl who has abused herself, still has to offer. I have amazing things about me to give to people and if people choose not to see those things as amazing, then they can't have them. They then, get to sit on the sidelines while I do heal and while I run this hail mary of a touchdown and become even more amazing. That's what we'll be when we heal. Not, finally amazing. But EVEN MORE amazing. Don't let someone who is insecure in themselves ever make you feel like you aren't already amazing. Tell them, to kick rocks and when you truly shine, they are going to feel so dumb for not seeing who you already were. I hate it for the people who gave up on me too soon. And that sucks, FOR THEM! Keep striving and like always, Be like a Phoenix XOXO

[cheekblush]

survived the first week of school 😴

[david-watts]

terrible idea of mine to not kill myself on tuesday or whenever the fuck. mistake on my part

[takamishinko]

karasuno and nekoma scenario + headcanons for ftm reader

pronouns: he/him

warnings: dead naming, slight harassment and tranphobic comments like using the wrong pronouns.

a/n: this was a request from @mi-ts i hope you enjoy this and this is what you're looking for :) i added in some headcanons of my own as well. pls tell me if i said anything offensive in there by accident, i was also super tired when i wrote this so pls excuse me for any mistakes :'D

karasuno:

i feel like the entire team is pretty supportive and definitely not transphobic

the only person that i could possibly think of that doesn't understand transitioning would be tanaka but even then he'll still support you in whatever decision you make

let's start off with the first years

hinata and kageyama definitely uses correct pronouns though i feel like kageyama might forget sometimes but he'll just use they instead

tsuki doesn't care much and i don't think he cares a lot about anything other than maybe yamaguchi

yamaguchi would be really sweet about it, correct pronouns 100%, no mistakes or mess ups. he'll probably pay more attention to you and help you with whatever you need

kinoshita and narita are both super supportive people so they wouldn't care that much but they would definitely use right pronouns and all that

ennoshita is kind of the leader of the group right? i feel like he would advocate your pronouns only if ur comfortable with it though

alright third years

suga.

supportive supportive supportive super supportive

makes sure your absolutely 120% comfortable with your surroundings and if there are people bothering you he's not scared to get asahi and daichi to square up with them

daichi is pretty lowk about it. respectful of course. always tries to help you with suga but doesn't end up helping a lot but that's ok

lastly asahi would be…

pretty nervous about making sure he doesn't use the wrong pronouns or make you uncomfortable

like overly cautious but you find it funny and adorable

__________

"yo y/n! what took you so long? practice started 10min ago." tanaka shouted from across the gym.

"sorry…i got caught up with something." you replied with a sad tone in your voice.

the team immediately noticed something wrong. you were usually a pretty cheerful person and sulking like that didn't seem right to them. 

"woah woah, you good man?" noya said while tapping you shoulder.

"yah i'm fine guys, thanks." you lied.

"even a dumbass like hinata and king over there would know you're not fine, what's wrong." said tsuki.

"hey we heard that! but seriously y/n-kun, is everything ok?" hinata said while walking over with kageyama. 

"it's nothing much really… some second years called me uhh… "baby girl" today and asked me if i had anything to do after school. they wouldn't let me go either even after i told them i had somewhere else to be…. and the fact that i'm not a girl anymore." 

"they fucking what now?" suga said with an incredibly hostile smile on his face. 

"do you know their names?" daichi asked.

"yah its f/n l/n and f/n and l/n…" 

"those two sons of bitches??" tanaka and noya screamed in unison. 

"yah do you guys know them or something?" 

"they're in the class beside ours, we don't know much about them except that they're annoying as fuck. they've been making girls uncomfortable all year long." noya replied.

"oh… they must've thought i was a girl since i didn't wear a… y'know." 

"that's still no reason to do that to you y/n. first of all you weren't comfortable with them flirting with you, second of all you also told them that you're a guy and they still called you that." asahi said 

"yah that's true." daichi said with the rest of the team nodding their heads in agreement.

"don't worry y/n, we all know it's not your fault the binders don't work. no matter what you wear or how you look, the team will always see you as who you want to be!" suga said with a bright smile on his face this time.

a smile appeared on your face with warm thoughts entering your mind. knowing you have friends that care about you this much is truly a blessing you don't want to lose. 

"on a side note, suga and i know those 2 as well. in fact we know their homeroom teacher too, i'll go report to their teacher tomorrow. he loved suga and i, we were his best students." 

a small giggle came out of you and so did some happy tears. 

"thanks guys! it really means a lot." you said to all of your friends.

the rest of the practice was filled with joy and laughter. a few days later you received a handwritten apology from the two assholes you were talking about.

__________

nekoma:

same as karasuno i'm almost 100% sure none of them are transphobic and they would all be supportive. same case of tanaka with yamamoto though if anything

after you came out kuroo just gave you his signature smirk and a big thumbs up and continued to do his chemistry.

kai.

omg don't even get me started

he is SO supportive and just the nicest person possible

he's not aggressively supportive like suga but he's literally just always there for you. before you even realize you need something he already has it.

water, food, whatever it is.

yaku (personal nekoma fav), super chill about it

"oh cool, just let me go tell lev so he doesn't mess up your pronouns."

"lev for the last fucking time it's y/n and he/him it's not that hard to remember."

bonks lev everytime he messes up but he eventually got it

fukunaga just goes: 

":3 👍" 

so precious, never messes up your pronouns and names

kenma definitely doesn't mess up, remembers it well and i think he would just be like:

"cool, make sure you let the team know. especially lev…"

yamamoto would maybe mess up but he's trying his best

inuoka and shibayama:

i love these 2 so much btw^

inuoka would be excited cuz this is the first time someone ever came out as trans to them.

shibayama is just beside inuoka also being excited and nodding his head agreeing with everything he says

in conclusion these 2 are baby

__________

"hey guys what's up!" 

"ah y/ns here." kai said with s bright smile on his face, greeting you to practice.

"yo! what's up we're just getting started can you help me set up the net?" yaku said while waving over to you.

"yah i'm on my way give me a sec." 

"kenma go help yaku-san get off your game." kuroo said while poking at kenma.

"give me a sec. I'm almost finished." 

inuoka and shibayama were on the side listening to yamamoto talk about something. you and shōhei rushed over to help yaku with the net. 

"there, all done. thanks guys. kuroo let's start practice." yaku yelled

"yah everyone get ready-" 

just as kuroo said that, two boys entered the gym. they didn't look like they were up to anything good so kuroo stepped up and asked them what they're here for. 

"how can i help you two?" 

"we're just here to find d/n, oh there she is. hey~ you haven't answered our question yet, you free this weekend sweetheart?" one of the boys said as he attempted to move closer to you.

kuroo lost his shit immediately and pushed them away from you. 

"first of all his name is y/n, second of all it's he. lastly if you don't have anything else to say, please leave, our practice is about to start." 

"chill captain~ we just wanted to talk to this beautiful lady over here." 

"for the last fucking time you bastards it's-" yaku cut off kuroo before he could finish.

"leave it to me. you, tall one on the left, f/n l/n from c/n right?" yaku asked.

“y-yah why?” 

“your chemistry mark, 53% and you didn’t pass the test you took on thursday.”

“w-what ??! i don’t even know my mark yet how do you-”

“and you, the stick on the right, f/n l/n. you’re even worse, 49% as your total and your test? i’d embarrassed for you.”

“what the fuck?? w-who are you?!”

“yaku morisuke, 3rd year. the assistant for your chemistry teacher. now if you don’t want your marks leaked to the entire school i suggest you leave y/n here alone and get out.”

“tch yeah whatever !” the 2 boys said as they scurried away. 

“yaku-san!! that was so cool!!” everyone said.

“don’t worry about it! it’s what y/n deserves” he said with a huge thumbs up.

[moon-lixie]

about a letter left to be found and a boy who disappeared into thin air.

word count: 2.046k

genre: slight angst

song: 말할 수 없는 비밀 (Secret Secret) - Stray Kids

I don't think any of you would be able to understand, not even if I sit down and speak all of my truths. Still, I think I owe an explanation.

With trembling hands he gathered his things, the notebooks filled with dreams spilling from the edges of every page, his favourite hoodies, the pair of bright red headphones he had since the beginning of high school.

From the open window a cold breeze came in and ruffled the slightly damp hair of the boy, paying special attention to the ends that were still clamped together due to the dampness.

He wasn't exactly in a hurry, but he still felt nervous and anxious, because even if it was almost impossible, at the back of his mind he was haunted by the idea of someone coming in and stopping him.

Moving quickly he reached down for the towel hanging around his shoulders and ruffled his hair a couple of times more until he felt satisfied.

First of all, I have no idea where I am going but know that I'm fine.

A loud sigh caressed his lips as it escaped, filling the room that he had always called his own, his little world nobody could disrupt because in between the forgotten comics and the piles of clothes sprawled here and there he had felt more at home than he has ever felt anywhere else.

Throwing the towel to the basket of dirty laundry at the end of the hallway, he finally finished everything he had to do, simply being left with staring at himself in the mirror and fixing the wild strands of hair that had been upset by the freshly washed hoodie hugging his torso.

He could barely muster a smile at his reflection, not because he was sad, but because it all felt surreal in a sense that left him wondering if it was still the middle of the night many years ago and the last years had been nothing but the hopeful dreams of his younger self.

Maybe it's a bit selfish of me to simply leave without a warning, but please understand that I want much more than this place could ever offer me.

He closed the front door of his house, locking it with the pair of keys his mother had given him once he turned twelve; they were still held together by the Pororo keychain he had bought one day after school with such an overwhelming excitement that made the memory pull at the corners of his lips.

It felt bizarre to walk away from the entrance of his home knowing that he was never really going to come back, that this was the last time.

Just like the very first time he had arrived there along with a moving truck packed with boxes and furniture, he felt breath leave his lungs at the sight of the white façade. It made him stop for a second and contemplate in utter silence.

Goosebumps coated the length of his arms once he turned around and kept moving forward at a steady pace, leaving his old bike behind as well.

Know that the decision to leave wasn't made in a haste, I've been thinking about it for long and now just seemed like the perfect time.

Mr. Kim lazily waved in his direction, gentle smile and downturned eyes with the familiar brown that reminded Jisung of his grandfather; maybe that's where he would go next, to visit his grandfather.

Without much thought he returned the sweet and familiar greeting, feeling a bit nostalgic when he thought back to all the summers that he had spent working with the man in his garden.

Back then a young Jisung had been happy to make a few bucks while getting to stay out all day in the yard playing with bugs and with the sun kissing the skin of his chubby cheeks and legs that weren't covered by his favourite pair of green shorts.

He couldn't help but wonder where had all that time run to because despite being the one who lived through it, he could barely make sense or when had he ended up where he was.

Time moved too fast and without a warning, it left everyone wondering.

It isn't easy to leave my whole life behind but it feels right, the mere idea makes me feel lighter because who knows who I'll get to be when I get to the end of my journey.

Perhaps I'll be braver, a little bit smarter, more mature, maybe even a couple of centimetres taller.

He could walk the streets with his eyes closed and still know where every bump and crack was in the sidewalk, he could still point where his old school was, where the closest convenience store stepped in his way and as usual tempted him to buy a snack even on those days were his pockets were empty and his tummy full.

From there he knew his way to everywhere else in town, he even knew how long it would take him to get to said places on foot or with his trusty bike.

It all felt too easy and familiar, too comfortable, and those things weren't bad at all but Jisung thought he had had enough of them. He craved discovering himself inside the walls of another place so foreign that every single one of his truths were only known by himself.

Was it silly? That he thought a change of scenery would make him a new person, one much more alike to who he truly was.

Sometimes talking to someone isn't enough, because you don't think they'll understand, you know they won't. That's why I never said anything about the deepest desires looming in my heart or the biggest fears that tied me down for as long as I can remember.

All the interrogations running leaps around his mind made him walk faster, filling him with the same dreadful excitement he felt every first day of school, one that mixed with nervousness and fear.

He wasn't sure if starting fresh would let him be someone whose fears didn't weigh upon his heart so harshly, he wasn't sure if he would get to be the person he had always wished he could be but he could only hope.

Hope had been what drove him this far and today he was giving it full control of where his feet moved to, control over how his next day would look like or where he would wake up the next day.

Never in his life had he felt more ready to wander around by himself.

But I guess, since I'm going, it's only fair that I try to sit down and talk to someone, hoping that they will understand even if my words are scarce and there will be nobody to talk back to at the end of this letter.

On the horizon the sun rushed to slumber, leaving a comforting lilac pooling around the clouds and making them stand out even more.

Night hovered over his shoulders making him breathe with much more ease because if there was something that portrayed hope and tomorrow with an uncanny resemblance and lack of effort, it was the night sky with its endless stars and its shining moon.

In his childhood days he had discovered that there was no better cure for uncertainty and a nostalgic heart than staring up at the night sky; there was something about it that made him feel like time stopped for an instance, that time wasn't quite as unforgiving while the veil of darkness covered everything.

If he could go anywhere he wanted —which he was already doing— he would wish to go to the sky, not the endless and uncertain space, but the idea of the sky that humans have in their ignorance, a canvas that goes no further than our eyes can see.

Ever since I can remember I've felt like there was a place for me somewhere out there, a place I always called home without knowing what it really was.

It wasn't like I didn't feel at home here, there was just a feeling in my chest that told me out there I could feel completely free in the way I've always craved.

For him it had always felt unfair, how everyone got to live and walk around without the things that kept him back. Of course when he grew older he understood that everyone had their own problems but sometimes that was easy to ignore when one's own darkness loomed around their heart.

He had spent many years wishing, praying to whoever was listening, that he could just be himself without the voices in his head and the uncertainties that made every single one of his steps be cautious.

Nobody seemed to have listened as years went by and things got harder, still, he never gave up and even though he could never really say that there was nothing else bothering him he could at least say that he had everything under control.

If time is unforgiving it also is healing, and for him it had healed many wounds that couldn't be seen.

Unknowingly I spent a lot of time wanting to go to that place, craving to find where it was.

Some years ago I understood that it perhaps wasn't a place but a version of myself that could bring such soothing feelings. That's where I'm going to, that's why I have no destination.

He wanted to believe that nothing had been planned, that his savings carefully stuffed at the bottom of his backpack had just been him being responsible about his money and having enough for the impulsiveness that one day had won over reason and had driven him to this adventure.

He wanted to pretend but it was stupid to do now, there was nobody around to judge him or question his motives, so there was no use in not being honest with himself.

Thinking back to all those evenings spent running around the small restaurant in which he had found a job, he could see that perhaps this plan had been many years in the making.

Unconsciously he had always been hoping for a moment like this, a moment of unadulterated freedom.

Hopefully I do get there, hopefully I get to be happy and everyone I left behind does too.

The journey to happiness, to authenticity, to being unapologetically himself, had taken him to the airport, another thing that wasn't as spontaneous as he had tried to make it seem.

Passport in hand and trembling self, the whiteness of the place and the various people walking back and forth made him realise that this was really going on, he was really leaving.

For the first time in his life overthinking had no place in his plans.

I wish to be who I am meant to and disappearing was perhaps the thing I had always been destined to do. A boy who disappeared into thin air, that's who I am, a boy with secrets that weigh down on my heart and that I'm unwilling to carry with me on this journey.

Approaching the desk he was met with a young woman, in her mid twenties or early thirties, sweet but practised smile covering her lips as she recited the words that he must've learned a long time ago when she first started working there.

"I want a ticket for the next flight available," Jisung said, offering a reassuring smile after the confused look the woman gave him.

He looked around as the sounds of typing filled his ears and before he had time to start regretting something the ticket had been placed on his palm and his savings were short by a considerable amount.

I'm afraid that wasn't much of an explanation but it was my truth.

Good luck and see you whenever we're meant to cross paths.

The last thing he saw before falling asleep were the clouds from above and the sky now completely dark like the many nights he had wondered where he belonged.

Now he had an answer, he belonged wherever he felt free and right then in that comfortable plane seat he felt the freest he had ever been.

[munsonenthisiast]

Then & Forever

A/N: I wrote this in like five days and had my bestie edit. This is my first time writing anything, but I love Josh so-

Summary: Since you started working for GVF, you and Josh had grown close to each other over the years. This time you hope your feelings don't get in the way of ruining everything you built.

Contains: Smut, drinking, smoking, cursing

WC: 10.9k

"So you're saying that. . . you've never played an instrument before?" Sam pointed at his bass. You laughed at the question, sipping your beer. "Correct." Sam furrowed his face in confusion. "Then why do you have a degree IN music if you can't play?" Josh hit Sam on the shoulder with a pencil making a small face. You shrugged your shoulders, swishing the alcohol around your mouth. "I don't know, It's just something I've never wanted to do, you know. I guess it's one thing knowing about an instrument rather than playing it."

Everyone nodded in agreement. "Well, if you did play anything I'm sure you'd be really good at it." Josh smiled towards you. He went back to writing in his journal while everyone else went back to respectively playing their own instruments.

But for you, it seemed a long way home. Never did it cross your mind that you would basically be living with four different people from time to time. Especially not so quickly. Greta Van Fleet was your first job, and really, first anything. From high school until now, you were alone. Which made you a little grumpy when working with people, but none the less you warmed up to them quickly. Especially Josh, who always seemed attached to the hip with you.

Josh may have annoyed you a tiny bit at first, but his euphoric mind is what intrigued you in the first place. He always seemed so wise, knowing the right answer to everything. And the way he wrote the lyrics to songs, just naturally appeared to him somehow. It was truly magic.

Jake smacked you on the arm, calling for your attention. "Ok, what do you think of this." He pulled the guitar over his lap, playing the notes he came up with. You quickly wrote down the notes he played, looking out for any correction. "So what do you think?" He asked, flailing his arms around. Running your pencil down the piece of paper, you started to shake your head. "I think it sounds pretty good," you said looking at Josh, who also nodded his head in compliance. "What would also sound cool is if you gave it a little vibrato during a live show."

Jake smiled writing the commentary down on a sticky note. "You know, for not knowing how to play, you really are smart with this kind of stuff." You glared your eyes at him, snickering just a little bit. Everyone worked for a couple of more hours, before calling it a night. Danny and Sam were practically sleeping on each other.

You shook Sam awake, snatching his car keys from his hand. "We'll both be dead if you drive, and were the most important in the band. Well, besides Danny. And Jake. And Josh." You twirled the keys around your finger while Sam stretched to get awake. Josh flipped all the pages over in his journal, turning to you. "We got pretty far today, don't you think?" Josh smiled at his brothers, who were already arguing about something. "Yeah. Maybe we'll get better stuff done tomorrow, you know. This is supposed to be the 'fun' part," you said using air quotations, "but the most boring part out of everything. But maybe, in the end, it'll all be worth it." you hit Josh's arm softly.

"Are you going with Sam?" you nodded quickly. "Yeah, I kind of promised him I would help him with some stuff in the morning." Josh looked sadder than ever. You smiled at Josh, noticing Sam waiting by the door with Jake and Danny. "I'll see you later." You gave Josh a quick kiss on the head.

"Let's go." you wiggled a finger at Sam, practically dragging him to the car. The ride to Sam's house was fairly quiet other than the little snores coming from him. It was nice to get a moment or two of peace to yourself. Working and living with four grown men gave no room for privacy. Everything is shared between you all. Which you had to admit, scared you a little at first because you've always grown up with a sister and maybe a few girlfriends here and there; but you were never as close to them, then as you were to the band.

The house was quiet when you walked in, dark and dim from the night sky. Sam immediately walked to his bedroom, and passed out on his bed. Which left you alone in the kitchen. Putting some of the items away in cabinets, you looked around at all the brothers' family photos, including some of Danny. It made you smile to yourself to see some of them so young and happy. Maybe a little vulnerable too. You were a little envious of how confident some of them had been with their work, just being able to put themselves out there, accepting failure. Not you though. Failure made you angry, furious even. Sometimes it got so bad, you'd hide away for days without any contact with the outside world.

After putting all the trash away, you headed back to the spare room. You turned on all the lights, changing into some warmer clothing. Crawling under the sheets, sleep came easy that night.

-

When you woke up, the blinds had been left the night before causing you to shoot out of bed. Quickly rubbing your eyes, you went to the bathroom to clean up a bit. When you walked towards the kitchen, your feet padded beneath you. Sam still wasn't up, which was pretty normal. You started some coffee and cooked breakfast for the two of you. Though, something triggered you to open a forbidden drawer and bum a cigarette. Quickly lighting it, you messed around with food until it was cooked.

"A cigarette at 8 in the morning?" Sam questioned groggily, clad in just sweatpants. "Well, you know me; I only smoke when I'm forgetting something." You both said in unison. You quickly waved him off, pouring food onto a plate for both of you. "I wonder WHO you're forgetting." You scrunched your face, looking around the room. "What do you mean who?" Sam scoffed. "Josh," You quickly rolled your eyes, slamming the plate down on the table "Eat the fucking food you loser." You both contently ate in peace while making some playful banter here and there. "So what exactly do you need help with?" Sam pulled out a cigarette from the cartridge, silently lighting.

"I need help with a decision." Sam stared at you while you nodded your in question, pretending like you at least understood what he was talking about. "Look, I just want you to go with me to buy another bass, ok. And I want to go to the record store." Narrowing your eyes, you pulled the cigarette from him. "I feel like this is something completely different than what you're telling me." Sam shook his head slowly. "Nope. I still want to keep the mint-colored bass, but I just want to have a cool collection, you know. Oh, let's buy something expensive!" He pointed the smoke at you, while you collected the dishes to put in the sink. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, please. We can not go broke. Not like last time." You shuddered at the thought.

"Thanks for the food. I'm gonna get ready." You flinched your eyebrows and kept washing the dishes, putting them in the dishwasher. You quickly went back to the room for a change of clothes. By the time you were done, Sam was waiting at the door for you. Grabbing your coat and your shoes, you both headed out the door. Sam was walking coolly beside you, as you both looked around the town. Shops were lining down the small street, with cars passing through. He put his arm around your shoulder as you both passed through large crowds. Finally finding the music shop, you both walked in, heading to a certain section.

"So remind me," He paused to look at a sleek grey bass, flipping it over a couple of times. "Why don't you ever get with Josh? I mean he obviously likes you." You scoffed a little bit at his statement. "I thought we were here for you Sam, not to talk about me." You picked up a dark wood bass, showing it to Sam. "I mean with that same logic why don't I ever get with you? I mean we're close, right?" He rolled his eyes, still playing with the instrument you showed him.

"I think I like this one." Sam brought it up to the counter, talking to the girl up front. Who seemed to really enjoy the conversation they were having. Turning on your heel, you waited by the door playing with some random drum sticks. Sam eventually walked over and led you out. "It'll be delivered in a couple of weeks. I bought a whole new one." You pursed your lips smiling at Sam. "Did you also manage to snag that poor girl's number?"

Sam pushed you upside the head as you walked into the record store. You both parted ways looking at different sections. You flipped through vintage albums, picking out random ones you thought everyone would enjoy. After looking through some more, Sam found you and walked to the front to pay. "You found quite a lot there," Sam said, peeking through the ones in your hand.

"Yeah, figured I could add a bit to my very depressing collection." you chuckled, looking at one of the sleek covers. "Don't you have like two?" you glared back at Sam. "Which I believe are both of your band's albums." Sam laughed. You both paid, bags in hand.

"So what now?" you asked Sam as you both mindlessly walked around. "Probably go home. Want me to take you back?" You nodded in agreement and headed back to his car.

-

After saying goodbye to Sam, you walked back up the stairs to your apartment. When you opened the door, Josh appeared from your room, causing you to nearly break the table in the hallway.

"What the hell Josh!" He shrugged his shoulders, making his way to the couch. "What are you doing here?"

"I was waiting until you got back from hanging out with my brother. What were you two doing anyway?" Pouring a glass of water from the sink, you took a sip, and made your way to the couch next to Josh. You leaned your head back on the cushion, staring at the ceiling. "Sam bought a pretty hefty bass, and bought more records." You looked over at Josh. "What about you?"

"Well you know," he sighed. "Tried to work on writing up some new lyrics. Even went over to Danny's and Jake's to work some stuff out. It's coming along nicely." Setting the cup down on the coffee table, you looped an arm around Josh's, leaning your head on his shoulder. "Good. It'll come out beautifully in the end," you said patting his hand. You sniffed, sitting up in your seat. "Are you staying for dinner?" Josh hummed looking up at you. "Oh yeah. I was actually wondering if I could stay for the night; get's kind of lonely at my place." You nodded.

"Yeah, that's fine." You walked over to the kitchen. "Anything in mind you want to eat?" you asked. "Uh, how about that chicken. The one you make with the rice, mushrooms, and asparagus." You started to pull out the pots and pans, placing them on the stove. You leaned back on the counter watching everything cook. To be quite frank, you didn't know how you would handle Josh staying over. Of course, you and Josh were rather close, it even shocked people that you knew each other so well. After all, he knew you better than your own blood.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. On one hand, it would give you time to think some things over and ponder the questions Sam had asked you earlier today. And then you could for sure decide what you wanted to do. You grabbed some plates and moved the food over to the table. Josh was already seated, patiently awaiting your arrival.

"Looks good, as always." he complimented, raising his hands towards you. "Thanks, Josh." you smiled.

"So," he said, chewing his food. "What happened at the music store?" Rolling your eyes at the thought of Sam annoying you, you told him about how he was flirting with the girl at the front desk. "I mean just giggling, and laughing, it was like watching teenagers make out." You made a small coughing noise thinking about Sam flirting with that poor girl. "But, you know, as they say, there's someone for everyone," you said sarcastically, shaking your head. Josh let out a high-pitched laugh at Sam. "That's Sam for you. He bore you with anything else?"

You thought about all the moments were Sam had bullied you over liking Josh or falling in love with Josh. Of course, you loved Josh but you weren't sure whether you were 'in love' with him per se. He was practically your other half. Nobody else could compare to that. But it was hard to decipher whether you even liked him like that. "You know. The usual; stuff about when you all were younger and more embarrassing moments."

Josh covered his face with his hands, groaning. "I hope it wasn't all too bad." He shook his head, eating the last bits of food. "Not at all, actually." As you both finished your plates, you sat in comfortable silence. That was until Josh spoke out about something.

"Hey remember that time- ugh geez, when was it," he asked, pressing on his face. "Probably around the time I first met you, and I pretty much knew then you hated my fucking guts, man" You let out a breath at the thought of Josh thinking you hated him. "But that was also the time I kept catching you listening to the album at the time. Just over and over and over again." Josh just shook his head thinking of you. "I didn't- hate you," you confessed. "I just really didn't know how to be around people so much. I did like that album though." you laughed, pointing at Josh. Who also laughed along with you. "Look, I'm sorry I made you feel that way; I just, I've never really had close friends like you." Before he could say anything back, you picked up the plates, placing them in the sink.

From inside the kitchen, you could hear him talking to his brothers on the phone. The usual screaming, laughing, and anger from whatever stupid joke someone told. It honestly made you wish you were closer to your own sister. Whom you haven't spoken to in the past ten years. After you finished off with the dishes, you walked to your bedroom. Which was hard to admit, but you had an entire wall full of Greta Van Fleet photos from when you first started working with them because you had a hard time telling who was who.

"Oh, I remember these photos!" Josh exclaimed as walked into your room. He marveled at all the photos you had printed out and plastered on the wall. Some even had labels of all the boy's names. "Yeah, a little creepy, don't you think?"

Josh shrugged. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because you didn't know who we were, and I know some people have a hard time differentiating between us twins." You turned around and opened up the bag full of record vinyl, handing some to Josh. "Here, I bought some for you earlier, and I figured I could use some- given the only two I have are from your band." He giggled, flipping through the different albums. "Oh, Bob Dylan! What a legend and old Michael Jackson! Very good stuff." You patted his shoulder as you put away all the other albums on a shelf.

"So, the spare bedroom should be good-" Josh cut you off. "I was hoping to sleep with you, actually. Unless that makes you too uncomfortable." You nearly choked on your own spit when Josh asked you that. You really didn't think he'd be that lonely. "Um, no that's fine. I'm sure I have someone's clothes here you can use." He grinned.

"Thanks." You handed him some spare clothes and left him to change in the bathroom. When you returned he was already tucked in, facing the wall with the pictures. Turning off the light, you quietly slid in next to him. You'd never really been in this much of an intimate situation, no less next to Josh. It wasn't awkward, but it was just hard to decipher the feelings of the both of you, and where he was going with his suggestion. "Can I ask you something?" Josh whispered. He turned around to face you closer.

"What was your initial thought when you first met me?" You laughed a little to yourself. "When I first met you I wanted to be exactly like you." Josh propped himself up on his elbow, leaning even closer to you.

"What about me?" he asked. "I don't know. You were always so confident, and the way you carried yourself; just, it made me so mad and angry that I couldn't be like that. Maybe that's why it came off that I hated you a little bit." Josh laid back down.

"Listen, you'll always be the best thing that happened to me. When I first met you, I thought you had the most brilliant mind out of everyone I ever met. Except for Danny. He's got an excellent brain." You smacked his arm laughing out loud.

"Thank you, Josh." You rolled over onto your side, hoping to fall asleep soon. Before you did though, you felt Josh slip an arm around your side; his face falling into the back of your neck. Soon, both of you fell asleep together.

-

When morning came the next day, Josh was still entangled in your back, but this time his arm was hugging you tighter. At any slight movement, he just pulled you closer. Finally giving up from moving away from Josh, you laid there silently in his arms. You silently traced the creases in his hand, thinking absentmindedly. He stirred a tiny bit but never woke. You took this time to turn around and look at him. His arm still wrapped around tightly on your shoulder; causing you to bury your face into his chest.

Inhaling his warm scent, you just about closed your eyes imagining a world where you were in love with him, and he loved you back. At this moment, he started to finally wake up. You decided to keep your eyes closed, too embarrassed to see what his reaction would be to find you both like this. You could feel Josh's eyes looking around the room before they made their way down to you. Feeling the certainty of him staring down at you made you panic a little. But then you could feel his hand start to part through your hair, moving it out of your face. His movement followed by leaning forward, giving you a long slow kiss on the forehead.

Then there was the fine sensation of his lips lingering on your skin. He started whispering your name, shaking you awake. You slowly blinked your eyes to make it look like you hadn't really been awake all this time. He smiled brightly when you both made eye contact. "Good morning," he said softly. You smiled, placing a hand on his chest. "Good morning Josh."

Letting out a little yawn, you turned over and sat up on the side of the bed. You sipped on some water that had been on you bedside for a while, then stretched out. "What do you plan on doing today?" you asked groggily. "Everyone wanted to meet up today and go over some stuff. Wanna join?" you quickly nodded your head.

"Great. Well then, I'll go take a shower and get ready." He walked away silently, leaving you all alone once more. Deciding against the better of things, you too got up to shower. While waiting for the water to heat up, you traced against the spots where Josh's hand had been.

It's like there was a space left on you, but you could only feel the invisible touch leftover from him. Jumping in the shower felt like you were committing a terrible sin. The handprint of Josh washed away as every drop of water hit your body. But it felt just as warm and comforting as him. After quickly getting dressed, you met Josh at the front door who was holding it open for you. The crisp autumn air surprised you in the face when you walked outside. The sidewalks weren't too busy but crowded to perfection

You both got in the car and drove to the studio. Everyone was already there by the time you two made it; For some reason, Josh had wanted to stop to get everyone coffee and a bagel, which you really couldn't say no to. Sam raised his eyebrows at you when you walked in with Josh pretty late. You hit him on the arm lightly. Sam rubbed the part of his arm, cursing you off. Everyone, including you, walked into a backroom set with all the instruments anyone could think of, and two very well-loved on couches.

The lights in the room were set to a dim, vintage-style brown, illuminating everyone's tan features. Josh handed the food out, starting the conversation. It varied from topic to topic.

"How is everyone?"

"Are there new ideas anyone wants to talk about?"

"How about we do this instead of that."

Josh snapped his fingers in front of your face, waving his hand around. "Hey silly, I asked you a question." you looked up quickly, meeting everyone's gaze. "Huh?"

"I said do you have any ideas on what we should wear?" You pulled out a small sketchbook from your jacket pocket showing Josh, and the rest of the band on the different aesthetics for clothing. "I was thinking about stitching some nudity art on the back for Josh. I'll probably go shopping for some silk and thread. I found this really cool jacket piece for Jake; I'll add some things on it, and a shiny blazer for Sam. As for Danny, I found these really nice pants, but I have to tailor them. I'm still trying to find a smooth shirt to go with."

You wrote down some reminder notes giving the rest some time to process anything and get started. Josh sat next to you on one of the couches, pulling out his note journal. He pointed out some of the lyrics, whispering to himself before showing it to you. "I came up with these this morning." your cheeks turned red, though you doubt Josh could see given how dark it was. You read through the lines in each glorious manner. They each had a delicate touch to them, written with something personal

It reminded you of something ethereal. Like being in outer space, and getting to look at all the planets from afar. "What are you thinking?" Josh asked. You let out a short breath before answering. "I think it's good. Really good in fact. I can feel it's personal to you, you know."

Before he could respond, there was a line of curses causing you both to look up. Jake was yelling at himself and the guitar in his hands with a tiny string poking out from the neck of the guitar.

"This fucking piece of shit keeps breaking," he he groaned, with gritted teeth. Rolling your eyes, you went to the other grabbing some new guitar strings. Handing them back Jake, he mumbled out a thank you. "Guess what, it's not that hard to get up and get new strings, Jake. I just did it by myself." Everyone laughed at your taunting to Jake, getting rid of his frustrated mood.

"Well, you're the best." He poked your shoulder. You headed back to another room to think about some more things. Possibly about Josh; but the majority for the band. Really working with them, never gave you time to put yourself out there. Which wasn't a terrible thing. In fact, you preferred not to out. You've always had a one-track mind. Focused too much on one thing, forgetting completely about anything else. It's probably why you'd failed out of most schools during your high school and college career. It always ended up being too much for your brain to handle.

Maybe that's what you feared most. Things always getting in the way; either making you angry, or angry enough to run away and never look back. You didn't want that with Josh. Nor did you want that for this band. You made some more scratch notes, listening to the muffled sound of music. After a while, you doodled in your notebook for some clothing ideas. Stitching had been one of the many skills that stuck with you since when. You never really knew where you learned to do such a thing.

Josh always told you how marvelous your work was. That it belonged in a museum of some sort. He knew somehow that you'd do great things with art. When sketching became boring, you shopped around online for some fabric, and thread, ordering what you needed. When finished some smaller portions of work, you fell back on the couch pushing your hair out of your face. Josh walked in at the right time, pulling you back into the studio.

"We hashed some things out, figured what don't and do want for some of the songs. Think we'll be ready to record in a few weeks." All the boys cheered each other on, pushing each other around. "I think this calls for a celebration over some drinks."

"Great idea. There's a bar a couple of blocks from here. What do you say?" Everyone hummed in agreement, piling out the door. Josh had a hand on your back as he walked you out through all the doors.

-

When you walked inside there were a few people seated around. It wasn't overbearing crazy. Everyone took a seat at the bar ordering drinks. You had already taken a couple of tequila shots to loosen up for the night. "So tell me," Josh slouched down in his seat. "What do you think the future holds for this band." You giggled, already a little drunk.

"What I think doesn't matter Josh. I think that you'll be successful in whatever you choose to do. I think it's you as the leader to help everyone along. In my opinion, they're here to support you and your ideas. I mean, of course, they have their own input but you get what I'm saying." Josh nodded along, sipping his drink. "That's quite a mouthful, but yeah. I'd do anything for these people. For Christ's sake, three of them are my brothers. And Danny I've known for like ever." He pointed to them, which they were all fighting about something.

Josh shook his head, looking down at the floor. He placed a hand on your shoulder as he left for another drink. Sam soon replaced Josh, slouching in the same position. "What were you two talking about." He waved a finger around your face. To which, you quickly swatted away. "He loves you, Sam. We love you. I love you, Sam."

Sam pursed his lips, squinting his eyes. "You're that drunk already?" You hummed looking at your watch seeing as only twenty minutes had passed. "Well Sam, the night's still young, so I'm willing to get fucking wasted if you are." He quickly nodded his head, ordering the two of you more drinks. As the night went on, all of you managed to play twelve rounds of pool (none of which you won), a game of cards, and meet totally random people. You, including the boys, were completely wasted and it wasn't even one in the morning. Danny and Jake had left to go god knows where, leaving you, Sam, and Josh talking to some random girl at a table. Looking over at Josh, you felt your heart hurt a little.

Sometimes you wish you had the assertiveness that Josh had to talk to him. Deep down you knew he would never reject you. He would randomly bring up why you never got together, but you always dismissed the conversation too scared of what might happen. Sam slipped next to you, turning his chair around to face you. He followed your line of sight, his eyes landing on Josh laughing with the same girl who's been here for hours.

"Look, if it pisses you off that much, talk to him later. It's not like he's gonna hate you for the rest of his life. He practically loves you to death." You shook your head, taking another drink of your beer. "I'm just- I'm not mad- I'll just never be able to be that person who can just randomly walk up to a person and fall 'in love' with them." You cried. Every time you think about it, you just want to go to bed and hide. "But how come I never end up with people like you or Jake or even sweet people like Danny. Why does it have to be Josh?"

Sam sat up in his chair, turning it back around to face the bar. "Why don't you try it. Maybe you fighting inside that big head of yours really doesn't like Josh after all." Sam said as he cradled your face, shaking it around. "Really?" Sam shrugged. "What's the worse that can happen? If something happens, so be it. Never hurts to try anything."

Sam bent down quickly, kissing you softly. His lips felt smooth against yours like running a hand over pliable silk. He swiftly ran a hand through your hair, pulling your face closer to his. Finally, he pulled away, smiling down at you.

"Nope." you shook your head. "Well hey, at least we know." He patted your shoulder, walking away towards a game of cards being played.

-

The next day you woke up with an intense headache. There was some leftover water and Ibuprofen on your nightstand. You didn't know how you made it back home or really remember anything at all from the night before.

You downed the pill and some water, making your way slowly to the bathroom, balancing yourself on a wall. You turned on the shower letting the hot water settle the uneasiness in your stomach. The pounding inside your head kept going on for what felt like hours. It didn't help either that you were trying so hard to remember the night before. Of course, you knew that you drank more than you could handle. Then there was Sam. But it all stopped there.

The shower helped a little bit. You danced around to find some clothes to get ready, or at least look decent. After getting ready, you drove back to Sam's. When he opened the door, you noticed Jake and Danny were there already. Except for no Josh. Not that it was out of the ordinary, it was just something you expected.

You made your way through his kitchen, pulling out a cigarette. "I don't think you really wanna be smoking that right now." You glared at him before putting the smoke out. "Um, do you remember what happened last night?" You asked, rubbing the small spot on your head in hopes to get rid of the pain. Sam bit into a piece of food, answering with his mouth full. "We kissed. Yeah," he nodded in assurance. "Yeah, we kissed." You let your head fall into your hands, groaning.

"How'd I get home?" Sam hummed, pointing his piece of food at you. "Josh. Although, he seemed pretty pissed at me. You were also super drunk." Right, you thought. Of course, this would happen to you. Partially you blamed yourself for being so stuck-up and bitchy most of the time, but part of you wishes Sam just pushed you away. Why were you so indecisive all the damn time? For once, it would be nice if you could make a whole-hearted decision without going out and fucking everything up.

You scratched around your eye, watching Sam as he went to go sit next to Jake.

4 weeks later. . .

It really had been almost a whole month that you had gone without talking to Josh. Some nights you wish you could pick up your phone and just text him, but you know it would go unnoticed. It hurt just a little bit. Every day you blamed yourself for screwing things up. When was it not your fault that something went wrong?

You sat bored at home. You tried to catch up on different things like laundry, cleaning, reorganizing literally everything, but nothing seemed to work. You muffled curses under your breath at nothing. That was until you got a text from Jake saying that everyone needed your 'strong womanly brain' to work with. Over the four-week period, you hadn't really talked with the other band members except for Danny (who seriously cares for anybody and everything), and Sam who just random stuff.

You flipped through a random magazine, flipping through the pages reading about the different styles and how to flaunt them. That was until a text from Sam disturbed you saying that everyone needed you at the studio ASAP.

You ran to your door faster than ever, quickly putting on your coat and shoes. When you arrived, no one was seen at first, so you went to the back and everyone was gathered around in a large, huddled circle. Jake was the first to greet you, Sam following close behind.

"Hey! I haven't seen you in a long time." Jake towered over you, pulling you into his side. "Yeah, my mom called. Wanted me to go see her." you lied, looking at Sam, who had just turned in the other direction. "Well, I hope she's doing good. Look, I wanted to see your opinion on some things. Just general stuff, okay?" you nodded. He led you back to a table and passed some papers around, and a little CD that had pre-recorded music. Before any of you could speak though, a door creaked loudly, and out came Josh with a petite girl beside him. His smile immediately disappeared when his eyes landed on you.

The girl looked. . . nice. In other words, she looked like a pleasant enough girl Josh would pick from a crowd. She had a tan, rich skin like his. With wavy, brown hair. Unlike Josh, she had more hazel-green eyes. Everyone stood there awkwardly, looking around at each other. You scratched the top of your head, eyes facing down towards the table. Jake cleared his throat before grabbing a seat for Josh, and the girl.

And of course, to make more room they were both seated in between you and Jake, making her sit right next to you. You smiled nervously towards her as she got herself situated. For a while, you stared at the velvet walls as Jake led on the conversation. You felt a little poke on your arm and noticed she was trying to talk to you.

"Hi, I'm Logan," she whispered. The one thing you noticed about Logan was her smile. It reminded you of Josh. His naturally bright teeth could make anyone instantly happier. "Y/N," you said curtly. You weren't the one to start a conversation, but luckily she made it easy.

"So, how do you know Josh?" she asked, pointing to him. You played around with your nails, turning to look at her. "Uh, I work for him," Not 'I'm his best friend or anything. Totally just ruined the relationship I had by kissing his younger brother because I'm really in love with the man your dating' "And them too, of course." you gave a hesitant laugh, pointing to the rest of them. She bit her lip, turning to listen to the conversation, and then back to you.

"How long have you known all of them, or like worked for them I guess?"

"Around three years. This will be my fourth I think." she nodded with your answer. Finally, she turned back around to listen to what Josh was saying.

You looked back down at the disc, swirling it around on the table. This is hard, you thought. It's all you can think about. Logan's so kind towards you; not the weirdly hostile type. She's not annoying, not inconclusive about anything. Logan's perfect in her own way. She's perfect to Josh. Something you've always wanted, but you, yourself stopped you from having.

"So, uh Y/N, can you take a listen to the CD?" Jake asked you. "Yeah. It'll just be a little later though. I have to finish some other stuff." There was silence as everyone stared at you. Including Josh, who seemed to have a permanent look on you.

"I can listen; if you're busy," Logan speaking up caught you by surprise. It may have angered you a bit because that was your job, to listen. You just looked back at Sam anxiously, who shook his head at you.

"Oh, my bad," Josh said loudly. "This is my girlfriend- Logan. Who you have all met before, but not Y/N. Forgot to introduce you two." If everyone hadn't been in the room right now, you would've gotten up and hit him right across the head. Logan kindly smiled back at you. "Yeah, we were talking earlier," She said pointing to you. "Well, as I said, I can listen if you can't."

If it was anybody else, you would've said something back already. But who were you to yell at this kind, beautiful woman next to you? Though, Sam must've read you wrong since quietly grabbed your wrist. "Sure," you said, handing the CD to Logan. Sitting back in your chair, defeated, what else were you supposed to do?

-

Another lousy week passed, and you wanted to jump off a roof. It had been raining for the past few days, never letting up once. No one had really made contact with you except Danny (you secretly loved him to death), and Sam. You were pretty sure the rest had picked up on the tense atmosphere and didn't want to bother you. No doubt, you probably wouldn't want to speak with yourself either.

You shrugged off a sweater, playing with the end of your sheets. Life was so boring now without any entertainment from anyone. You eventually rolled over on your back, staring a hole into the ceiling. You went over every excuse and explanation you could give to Josh. You understood why he was mad, you figured that much. But sometimes you wish he had his smart wisdom back to understand you better.

You fell to the floor sometime later, reading something random off the shelf. You flipped through the pages mindlessly before you heard some knocking at your door. You ran quickly, opening the door to find Sam standing there with bottles of gin and tequila in his hand. Laughing quietly, you led him inside, finding some bottles for drinks.

"What brings you around?" you raised your eyebrows, pouring some tequila for you and Sam. "Josh," he cleared his throat, taking a few sips. "What about Josh?" Trying to hold your breath, made you curious as to why Josh's younger brother was so angry at him. In fact, you wanted to burst out laughing. "He's so stubborn with everything, and the way he talks about you. God- it's like- I've never seen so much hatred from him." Sam shook his head downing the rest of his drink. He poured some more in his cup and your cup.

You took Sam's hand leading him to your room. You put on Labi Siffre, an old, classic album. You also turned on one of your dim colored lights. They lit up Sam's cheekbones perfectly, making his pale skin glow flawlessly. It looked smooth enough to run a finger over and feel the gentle, velvety skin of Sam.

"How does he talk about me?" Sam closed his eyes, thinking. "He just doesn't let go of the subject. Anytime you or I come up, it's just this rage of fury from him. He almost shuts down essentially. You know," he burped. "They all went out tonight."

You hummed at that. "They all went out, leaving behind you and me." You scoffed at the thought of Josh with Logan at your favorite bar or restaurant. "I'm so sorry Sam." You rubbed his arm, looking down at the floor next to your bed. "That was you and your brother's relationship, and I just," you flicked your hands, making a whoosh sound. Sam laughed, leaning into your side. "Don't worry about it. I like helping you out. Josh can be a little much sometimes."

You elbowed him in the side thinking about something. "Hey whatever happened to the girl from the music shop? You ever talk to her lately?"

"Yeah," he huffed out. "We've been talking lately. She wants to meet up sometime soon, but I don't know." You cocked your head to the side. "Why not. You clearly like her and she really likes you. I don't remember when the last time some actually liked you." Sam pretended he was hurt, pushing you to the side. "I'll ask her sometime when I'm not busy. She's nice."

"And pretty?" you questioned. Sam let out a laugh, swirling the alcohol in his cup. "Very pretty." You both let out sighs sitting in comfortable silence. Although, your mind was occupied with thoughts of Josh, swirling around and never-ending. There were times you just wanted to get up and say fuck it and try to at least explain. But of course, the rejection of him never wanting to be your friend again would kill you. Maybe this was the universe's cruel way of saying you and Josh were never meant to be together in the first place.

If so, you hated it.

-

Surprisingly, Sam was the first to wake up. Which rarely happens considering how well you knew him. The poor boy slept through everything. He started shaking you awake, poking and tickling your sides. "Are you dead, jeez?" You quickly rubbed your eyes, sitting up. "Sorry, the alcohol must've really knocked me out." Sam stifled a yawn, sitting on the edge of your bed. "Well, we can do one of two things today," he noted. "We can either go to the studio and face my brother, or we can- do nothing else. That's really it. I kind of swore I would be there today."

You couldn't stay inside any longer. You decided against the greater good to tag along with Sam. Maybe you could talk with Josh, and clear the air. "Can I go with you?" Sam nodded feverishly. "Of course; that's like your job."

"It doesn't feel like it. Logan's pretty much taking over, so what's the point of me." You scoffed thinking of the mellow girl who seemed to get along with everyone. You hated to slander her, but you just wanted Josh back. You and Sam left in a rush, hastily driving to the studio. You walked inside with a cigarette dangling from your lips, smoke escaping through your nose. Sweat seeped from your palms making you excited and nervous at the same time. You felt like an outsider coming in on your job. Thinking about seeing Josh made it worse.

"Hello, Hello Y/N" Danny strutted over, hairs sticking to his forehead. He pulled you in for a tight hug, nearly suffocating you. "Hey, Daniel." you moved the hairs around his face so you could see him better. "Long time, no see, man." He laughed walking back to his seat behind the drum kit. You followed Sam to the other rooms where Jake and Josh might be hiding. Sure enough, Josh was standing next to his twin, listening to a riff he was playing. They immediately stopped talking to each other. Josh scoffed at you as Sam led you inside, beside him.

"Look what the cat dragged in!" Josh said it lowly, spitting it towards you. Your eyes looked down, not daring to ever lookup. "Hey Josh," Sam patted him on the shoulder. You looked awkwardly around the room looking for a means to escape. When you realized there wasn't one, you looked back at Josh. He quietly talked to Jake about something before turning to you. You tried to look away fast enough, but his eyes caught yours. Josh started to stalk close to you, exhaling a breath. "Hey," you thought he might've not heard you, but his response caught you off guard.

"Hey, Y/N" He sniffled a little bit before turning towards you. "Care to take a walk with me? Could use some fresh air." You nodded your head silently, following after him. If your anxiety hadn't kicked in yet, it sure as hell did now. Josh was never a person to scare you. He was too light and giddy for him to be somewhat freighting.

He walked slightly behind you with a hand on the small of your back. Josh eventually let go of you when you both made it to the sidewalk. The people around you made the silence slightly more comfortable but you wished you had something to think about other than Josh. After a few more moments of silence, you decided to speak up, but Josh beat you to it. "I'm sorry for being an ass," he cleared it all out on one breath. You scoffed at him. "I think you were being more than an ass, Josh." He suddenly slowed his walking to match your pace.

"You pretty much left me in the wind. I thought I lost my best friend," you nudged him softly in the ribcage, laughing. He held a hand over his chest, heaving out a relieved breath. "I thought you were going to hate me forever." You pointed at him before saying: "Pull anything like that again, and I'll do more than just hate you forever."

Josh held his hands up abruptly like you had caught him stealing something. "I promise." You smirked. The both of you walked around endlessly making small talk here and there. Part of you was glad that you and Josh had cleared the air. Although, you hadn't really talked with him about Sam. It embarrassed you just thinking about the whole situation.

After you made a full round of the streets, Josh walked you back inside the studio. It was hours before anyone ever got to go home. The moon had fully risen and was shining brightly in the sky. You stared up like a child, holding on tightly to your coat. When you were making your way towards Sam's car Josh had grabbed you by the elbow.

"Y/N," Josh fiddled around with the collar of his jacket, looking down at the concrete. Even though it was pitch black outside, you could tell Josh's face was heating up. "I was wondering if you wanted to come back with me? I know Sam was taking you home, but I still feel like we need to talk." A small smile started to quickly form. You nodded not thinking about the harm that could come from staying with Josh.

"Yeah, sure." you let a hesitant sigh before following him once more. When you arrived inside Josh's home it felt almost foreign. There were slightly disheveled things around, but nothing had really changed. It still had all the same scattered records on the coffee table as well as random books set around the countertops. Josh flipped on the light switch and went towards the kitchen. He came back out and handed you a cup of water before taking off his coat.

"I know, it's been a long time since we spoke," he started. "or even hung out together."

You nodded, sipping some of the water. "Yeah, I kind of missed that."

-

After you and Josh got situated, he led you back to his room. There was a dim lamp, along with some new fairy lights scattered around the ceiling. "Fairy lights?" You pointed to the little bulbs sparkling brightly. "Oh, yeah," Josh was picking out a record, finally placing it on the player. It was an album you hadn't heard before, but it seemed to fit the mood well enough. Looking around for a little bit longer you come to find some old pictures on the floor. Squatting down, you noticed they were photos of his brothers and Daniel when they were younger. But what really caught your attention was a stack neatly dedicated to you.

Some of the photos had showcased some of you and Josh's late adventures, and the concerts you had appeared to. One in particular in which Josh had his arms wrapped around your middle, seated around a bonfire. That was a night you remember very clearly. That was when you realized how much you loved Josh. He never left your side and coddled you close to him. The memory warmed your heart making it beat a tiny bit faster.

"That was a very hot summer night if I remember correctly." Josh peered over your shoulder, studying the picture. "Yeah, it was. Then I passed out inside the van right after that," you laughed loudly, tossing your head back. Running a finger over your face in the picture still reminiscing on the sweet memory, you could feel Josh watching you from across the room.

"Can you come up here for a sec?" Josh patted his mattress, motioning to you. You could tell he was nervous still when he started to fumble around with his nails, not making much eye contact. "Do you remember when I asked you why you envied me so much?" He let out a slow breath, nudging you a little bit with his elbow. You realized the change in the situation and started to mirror his nervous tics.

"Yeah, I just- wish I could carry myself like you. You're always the most confident person in the room; you know things Josh that no one could ever know." The two of you sat in silence for a little bit after you answered. Josh hesitated before speaking again but continued on after pondering for a bit. "Well, I never felt that way around you. For the longest time, I would beat myself up just thinking about how wonderful you are Y/N. The way you think of me is how I always thought of you. Just not as confident because of how quiet you are sometimes." He laughed out the last part making you smile back.

"God, sometimes I just want to cry because of how amazing you are Y/N. Everything you've done for this band, everything you've done for me; I just - I love you." You slowly turned your head to look at Josh, replaying the words over and over again in your head.

He loves you.

"I'm going to assume you mean in it in that way Josh or this would be very embarrassing." Josh snickered, putting both hands on the side of your face. "I mean it in every way possible." He finally pressed his lips to yours, feeling the velvet touch of each other. Josh ran his fingers through your hair, pressing his tongue in an open-mouthed kiss. You moaned quietly when he started to press kisses along your jaw, down to your neck. You could feel his hands start to travel down to your waist, hugging you tightly as it showed in the picture.

Josh continued to bite down on your skin and sucked, leaving bright red marks behind. His fingers squeezed down on your hips before traveling under your shirt. He placed a knee between your legs, pushing you further into the mattress. You looked at each other momentarily as Josh slipped you out of your shirt. He ran his hands over your stomach making you flinch at the sudden touch.

"Josh," His name came out as a whine as Josh slipped off your bra, throwing it towards the floor. You caught the look of awe when his eyes landed on your breasts, your chest heaving slightly. He returned to kissing down your neck making his way down your collar bone. Your hands made their way to his hair, tugging at it when his mouth made contact with your nipple.

He sucked gently, swirling his tongue around the hardened bud. All you could think about was the euphoric thoughts running through your brain. All you could see were stars, showing up in random directions making you lost in the feeling. Josh continued for a while before slowly traveling down to your legs.

Josh looked at you for approval, to which you vaguely nodded in return, before pulling off your pants. You shuddered at the delicate touch of his fingers ghosting along your skin. His hands traveled back up your calves, pressing at your thighs. The room suddenly became too hot as his fingers wrapped around the strap of your underwear, pulling them down your legs. Your breathing was so ragged by now that you thought Josh might've pointed it out already, but he continued to stare down at you with the most mesmerizing look in his eyes. You knew at this point if this had been anyone else, you probably would've wanted to hide under the bed. Something so comforting about Josh made it feel natural to in his grasps.

Josh started down at your ankles, pressing hard kisses up your legs. He hovered over your pelvis just before kissing around your clit. Your legs immediately started to close at the feeling, but his hand pushed them back farther. "Josh, oh my god!" You moaned out into nothing. He continued sucking hard on your clit making the stars in your head come closer to earth.

"Josh, please," Your hands pulled at his curls as he lapped around your center. "You're so fucking wet for me Y/N. Jesus," He moaned into your heat making you squirm on the bed.

"Please Josh, use your fingers, please." You whined mercilessly at the thought of coming around his fingers. It wasn't long before you felt two fingers drag inside of you, along with the feeling of him sucking your clit. You could feel yourself getting nearer to your orgasm as he curled his fingers against your g-spot. "Josh, don't fucking stop!"

At the perfect moment, everything seemed to fall apart in the most beautiful way. You leaned your head back into the pillow as your vision turned white with little black dots appearing randomly. Josh's breath fanned over your heat before he stood up to take off some of his clothes.

"Can't really have sex if I'm still dressed like I'm going to fucking prom or something, Jesus." You giggled loudly while you watched him crawl back over you. Josh pressed a soft kiss to your lips, grinding his hips against you. Your hand slowly ran over his chest, grabbing onto his belt. You fumbled around until you managed to get it undone along with his pants. Josh stared at your face, admiring your features. "I don't think I'll be able to take you seriously for much longer if you don't do something," you whispered.

"Oh yeah?" Josh raised an eyebrow, smiling at you. You slowly reached past his briefs making contact with his hard-on, causing him to moan quietly and start kissing you again.

"Uh, I don't think I have any condoms on me; I didn't really envision fucking you tonight." You smirked, wrapping your arms around his neck. "It's okay. I'm on the pill." You pulled his underwear down, hiking your legs around his hips loosely. You could feel yourself getting wetter as he passively rolled his forefinger over your clit. You kissed him hard, sucking on his tongue. "Fuck me, please," you begged. Josh looked deeply into your eyes, then grabbing your legs and wrapping them around his hips, tightly. He teased you, rubbing himself up and down your center.

You exhaled as he entered you, wrapping a hand around his bicep to steady yourself. Josh's head fell into your neck, feeling his warm breath as he trusted in slowly. He lifted his head to kiss you; He used his hand to move the hairs out of your face, wrapping it around your cranium. "You are so- prepossessing." He whispered, his thrust becoming faster.

Your nails dug into his shoulder blades after he set such a brutal pace that you didn't think you'd be able to keep up with. You took note of how his curls stuck to his forehead. Whenever he thrust in, you could feel yourself getting closer and closer. His thrust started to shake the bed only spurring you on more. Your hands grabbed at his torso, holding onto him tightly.

"Josh," you breathed out, words lost as they left your mouth. "Don't stop." Josh looked between your bodies as they pressed together. He thrust in deep, pressing you into the bed further. You cursed under your breath, trying to hold back the moans only releasing small high-pitched whines. Your head fell back against the pillow, all the tension releasing your body slowly. "Fuck," Josh moaned into your collarbone. He tightened his grip on your thigh, quickening his thrusts.

You ran your fingers along the nape of his neck, feeling the little hairs stick to his body. Josh moaned, feeling him cum deep inside you. His head fell into your neck as you both tried to catch your breath. Josh smiled, pressing kisses to your chest before laying down next to you.

"Fuck you're amazing," Josh mumbled into your ear. He wrapped an arm around your shoulder pulling your head to his chest. His hands ran down your arm, squeezing the tiny bit of flesh. "Tell me something I don't already know Joshua." You flipped over onto your side, Josh following in pursuit. He tightened his arm once more around your stomach this time. He pressed small kisses along your shoulder, laying his face into your hair.

"I love you," He mumbled.

"I love you too." You placed your hand over his, peace finding you easy tonight.

-

When you woke up the next morning, Josh still had you in his arms, snoring softly. Like you, he liked to get up when it was still dark out, but given last night you couldn't blame either of yourselves for wanting to sleep in. Josh woke up sometime after, pressing small kisses into the nape of your neck down to your shoulder blades.

"Good morning," he said quietly, wrapping his legs around yours, pulling his body closer to yours.

"Morning Josh." You closed your eyes allowing the quiet of the room to comfort you. It seemed pretty peaceful outside, from what you could hear at least. But your mind was running a thousand miles a minute. How did a three-year friendship change so drastically? If someone told you that three years later you'd be sleeping with Josh, you probably start cursing them out at the bare minimum. Josh infuriated you at the beginning, but what changed that you couldn't get enough? Maybe it was his style? Everyone loves Josh's style. He doesn't really care what goes together, as long as it fits him and his outrageous personality. Speaking of which, Josh's personality was unspoken of. People turned heads when he walked through doors because he was always the life of the party. Normal people just naturally gravitate towards him. Heck, you couldn't even keep up the 'holding a grudge' façade for too long because Josh helped you. Maybe you thanked him for that instead.

"I think we need to get up," you said, patting his hand. He protested that you two keep sleeping longer because it's too early. "Josh it's like," you squinted your eyes towards the clock. "Nine am." You yelled, pushing his arm of you.

You ran into the bathroom to pee before jumping in the shower. After taking some time cleaning yourself and changing into something more comfortable (which ended up being one of Josh's old college sweatshirts because he insisted you looked really good in them) you both left to the studio. Of course, the first one to greet you was your favorite out of the four, Daniel. After he finished talking with Josh, he led the both of you to a back room. It was a large decorated room that you hadn't really been in much. The walls were in stripes of inverted red along with carpet having a velvet touch to it. Plaques labeled the wall with other types of scandalous music art.

Jake and Sam walked in together already arguing about something. "Lookey here," Jake pulled you into a side hug, and Sam passed you a drink. "I thought my smoking habits were bad, but drinking at ten in the morning?" you tutted Sam away from you, taking a seat at a large table. "It helps me think more clearly."

Josh took a seat next to you, placing a hand on your thigh. "Hey, you never showed me the finish drawing for your clothing ideas." You raised your eyebrows and said: "I wonder why." You cocked your head to the side, and Josh frowned at you. Snickering to yourself, you handed him a sketchbook. "These are- really good, Y/N. I forgot you could draw so well." You doodled around the paper of a sketched-out Josh in what would be fashion attire for next year. "One of my many hobbies."

He patted your leg before turning his attention to his twin. Sam waltzed over to your side, a cigarette hanging from his lips. "Is that my brother's sweatshirt?" You glared at him before answering a subtle yes. Sam gasped in a fake manner, holding a hand across his heart.

"Are you two in love with each other finally?" Sam laughed at you giving him a side-eye. "Good. you make Josh happy." Content with that, he left to go sit next to Danny. You played around with the drawing some more, later on, moving to a computer to work there. Everyone left you alone to go play in another room which seems to help numb the background noise. Though, it didn't last long until Josh walked through the door. He strutted over to you, rubbing a hand on your back before sitting down.

"How's it goin' in there?" You closed the laptop, turning your attention towards him. Josh talked about how everything's coming along nicely, and Jake is stubborn about everything or how Sam is always messing up. You hummed, following along. Not that you would ever tell Josh, but sometimes you never would really listen to what he was saying, but you loved to watch his hand movements or the expressions on his face. It added to his character. "I meant to ask you some time ago, but uh- whatever happened to Logan?" Josh immediately froze, looking down to the floor like a scolded puppy.

"I told her I would talk to her later this week." You shook your head, crossing your arms. "What?"

"Nothing; I was just thinking we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for me oodling with your brother." Josh laughed at your choice of words, placing his hand softly on yours. "I think it was both us Y/N."

'Well, in my defense Sam is kind of hot now that I think about it." Josh slapped your shoulder. "Mmmm, you're right Sam does have that 'sense' to him." Time seemed to fly by the five of you, constantly arguing, laughing, or just goofing off with each other. It felt good to be back with everybody, and not walking around on eggshells. Sometimes the moment was so pleasant, you never wanted it to end.

-

It was eerily quiet when you walked inside Josh's home. It was nighttime, and the moon was full, shining brightly through the curtains. "Don't you ever wish you could see the stars?" Josh asked randomly.

"Light pollution man," He mumbled out, yeah, heading towards his bedroom. You peeked outside the window one more time, catching a glimpse of the clouds in the sky. Josh had changed into some comfier clothing and slid under the covers. You followed in pursuit, still wearing his old college t-shirt. "Where do you think we'll be in ten years?" The question had taken you by surprise. You knew he had a tendency to think a lot about the future, which was kind of admirable, but you had a hard time figuring out what the future would hold for you.

"That's hard to tell; Not unless I kill you first, but uh, I think we'll still be together, and so will the band. I guess it's just up to the rest of us." Josh hummed at your input. He flipped over on his side to look at you. "I hope we're together forever." Your face started to blush, although you doubt Josh could see, this time you wished he did.

"Me too." Your voice came out with full confidence knowing every ounce of you could never let him go. "Hey, do you think you'd ever let me wear your outfits after this next tour? They're kind of stylish if I say so myself." Josh laughed out loud. "I don't think they'd fit you, honey." You scoffed, pouting.

"Josh, I hate to break it to you but you're not that big." A playful laugh escaped your mouth while you pinched his arm. He pushed you back in return. "I meant your height." He shook his head. You turned around, allowing Josh to trap you in his arms.

"I hope I get to see you in heaven. If there is one." The sound of his voice made you want to cry. It was soft whisper that it felt so delicate at this moment.

"I think if you've seen me then, you will see me forever."