#i'm OBVIOUSLY not saying that's what his intentions were but i can't logic my way out of my initial rage reaction to a discord screenshot

[pocketgalaxies]

hi! seeing you during all this ep95 mess has been a breath of fresh air. you seem to have a really firm grasp of canon so I wanted to ask what you think of the recent discord message from Liam where he says Orym didn't know that Laudna was under Delilah's influence when she killed Bor'dor? I watched the clip from 4SD, & it's pretty clear that Liam says Orym understood Laudna was opening the door for Delilah when he encouraged her to kill Bor'dor & even says "we'll need that." But the Discord message seems to walk that back. It's been super frustrating being accused of vilifying Orym or infantilizing Laudna for repeating what Liam himself said. I just don't really know how to reconcile these two statements from Liam & it has me a bit confused on Orym's character.

hi anon, thank you!

this turned into a much longer one than i was expecting dfksjdkfs

so last week i posted this Really Long Ask about the whole discussion, if you want to take a look. but i intentionally didn't bring up liam's discord message because you're right! it seemed contradictory to something that was stated in the past, which was confusing

honestly i think the most realistic answer is that liam probably didn't mean for what he said on 4SD to be understood as such a strong and maybe even polarizing character choice. i think a lot of us heard it as "orym sees delilah as a useful/necessary asset that outweighs what might happen to laudna afterward." particularly because he framed it as something that made the whole situation "even creepier," and during that same convo, marisha was emphasizing the psychological impact that killing bor'dor had on laudna. it's a strong stance and it reflects what orym is doing to himself (handing his endgame over to the questionably fickle nana morri to increase their chances of success against ludinus)

but i suppose liam's clarification suggests that he meant it in a softer, more practically level-headed way, like "orym knew he couldn't do a whole lot about delilah's return but he also thought it could have benefits," or something along those lines. they're obviously two hugely different interpretations with pretty big implications on how we understand orym's relationship with laudna

i'm not a connoisseur of orym's character by ANY means so i can't confidently tell you what the change might mean from a narrative perspective, but i personally still prefer the former stronger stance. because i think it raises interesting questions about how orym views his own place in this war and whether or not it's valid for him to (intentionally or subconsciously) project that placement onto the other party members. is it okay for orym to expect the same level of personal sacrifice from laudna, or imogen with predathos (a whole separate can of worms), or anyone else? is it safe? etc etc. but maybe liam doesn't want to go in that direction, or maybe he does but just not in the way we expect, i don't know! only time will tell!

also regardless of what he meant, i think it's important to acknowledge that it's really easy and completely understandable to feel like he was walking something back. that episode of 4SD was almost a whole year ago! many of us built that statement into our perception and understanding of orym's character for a long time, so it's totally valid to go "wait what the fuck???" when liam suddenly pops into the discord to say that's not what he meant. those feelings are valid and real! especially when discourse can already make you question your own intelligence and your personal interpretations of a story, having that pillar, as big or small as it might've been in your mind, knocked over can be really jarring. you are very much not alone in that, and it's okay!!

[froschli96]

As an asexual Good Omens fan

There's something I've noticed in this fandom that makes me really uncomfortable, and that is the way that Crowley and Aziraphale's possible asexuality is constantly being connected to and justified by them being not human.

I just honestly really hate that, because implying that asexuality is something that somehow "logically" follows from characters being nonhuman is ... not great. Like, I hate having to be the one to point this out, but asexuality is, in fact, very much a human attribute.

And unfortunately, most of the time when I come across this take, it doesn't feel like someone seeing themselves in the characters and relating to their experience, but rather an othering, this kind of otherwordly pure non-sexualness, where people put these characters above such trivial things like sexuality.

I am not asexual because I am somehow confounded by this oh so complicated human concept of sexuality, or because I don't ever think or care about sexuality at all (a lot of thinking was unfortunately involved actually before I finally came to a conclusion about my identity) it is just a fact of who I am, as a human being, it’s a part of my human experience.

And let's be honest, attributing asexuality to nonhuman characters is not the hot new take a lot of people seem to think it is — this trope has been around for ages. And it hasn't done a great deal to normalize asexuality. In fact I'd argue it's perpetuated an othering of ace people, but you take what you can get, really. (This is not to say that it is in any way wrong to identify with these kinds of characters, I definitely do, too! It's just sad that the topic of discussion is always about how "human" someone can be considered when they don't feel sexual or romantic attraction)

To be honest, I don't actually see A&C being asexual as canon — as a lot of people seemingly do — just because the author kind of suggested it in a tweet where he basically conflates "asexual" and "sexless" (for the record, this is not a dig at Neil, I just think the implications were kind of unfortunate, even if it might not have been intentional, which makes it all the more frustrating that a lot of fans just ran with it). And yeah, going around calling people aphobic for seeing the Ineffable Husbands as gay rep or any other identity, when they’re oh so obviously canonically ace, is honestly kind of insane.

I get that it might feel nice and tempting to be able to "claim" these characters and this relationship and being able to tell other fans off whose headcanons on their sexuality differ from your own because it is hard to come by any kind of representation when you're ace and there's finally a creator who's not only not contemptuous towards but even supportive of fans reading his characters as queer. And if you feel represented by A&C as it is then all the more power to you. But the thing is, it doesn't matter what kind of justifications there are or what canon might or might not say (bc when has that ever mattered in fandom spaces) or what the creator says, you cannot convert people to your opinion about a character, and you're going to have a bad time if you spend your time in fandom trying to do that.

And really, I am just wondering why we necessarily even need an explanation or justification for them possibly being asexual. Why does it have to be that all angels and demons are asexual by virtue of being nonhuman, and so A&C have to be too? why can't that just be an aspect of them that is completely unrelated to them not being human? Could these characters maybe not simply identify as asexual, not because they're nonhuman, but in spite of it? (btw, in the same vein it is equally stupid to argue that A&C can't be ace because they have "gone native", which is also an argument I've come across)

Honestly, I'm not even asking anyone to fundamentally change how they see these characters here — if you think they must be asexual solely because they're angels and have no concept of human sexuality, then whatever, I can't stop you and I don’t want to police anyone's headcanons bc as I said that's stupid and a waste of time. What I am asking you is that you maybe reflect a little bit on why exactly it is that humanity and sexuality are somehow so intrinsically linked in your mind to the point where you automatically use it as a way to distinguish between human and nonhuman characters.

Anyways.

Tldr: please stop equating asexuality with non-humanness thank you and good day.

[starboy-acer]

“no grave could hold my body down. i’ll crawl home to her” [Jay Ferin x You!]

(this is the angsty one of my albatrio x you btw. i know you jay ferin fans. i know what you are. story is below the cut)

(and to my irl... if you read any of this and send me any lines from this, i will block you /slightly silly)

you wake up on the deck of the albatross. you're cold, soaking wet, and in pain. you attempt to pinpoint where the pain is coming from, but it's difficult to do. you try to push yourself up, but your ribs begin to scream in pain. you let yourself fall back down and stare up at the sky. then, you notice the loud, crowded voices of your captains.

"JAY, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" you hear chip's voice get to a level that you've never heard before. you've never heard this much anger from him. you could almost feel his emotions radiating off of him, sending waves through your body. "YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS SHIP KILLED. SERIOUSLY, WE TRUST YOU TO BE LOGICAL AND RESPONSIBLE, AND THAT WAS NEITHER."

you rack your mind for what he could possibly be referencing. you assume that your injuries have something to do with this. being a barbarian, you get hurt plenty, but it's always intentional and subsides soon after you heal up. this pain was different. you could gather that you, and the crew, were severely harmed in combat. obviously, you had been taken by surprise and immediately knocked out. if you were there for the battle, you definitely would've remembered it as you like to relish in your battles.

"EVEN THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO RECKLESS, AND THAT'S LIKE, THEIR WHOLE THING." you could tell chip was talking to you and you felt jay's eyes on you. chip took a deep breath. you couldn't see what was happening, but you could tell from gillion's silence that he was comforting chip in some way.

"jay," gillion broke the tense silence. "i know that things get difficult when your family shows up, but-"

"but what, gillion?" jay interrupted, clearly sobbing from the tone of her voice. "but. what. what could you possibly say right now. i fucked up. i fucked up so bad that the literal tank of our crew got knocked out immediately. i fucked up so bad that the ship almost got completely wrecked. i fucked up SO BAD that i almost got you all KILLED. so what, gillion. but what."

you knew that jay needed someone in her corner right now. you could hear her sobbing and her voice breaking as she tried to speak. you knew that you needed to get up, push the pain aside, and be with her right now. so, you stood up. everyone looked to you as you winced loudly and grabbed the railing of the ship to keep yourself up. you looked down to where you were laying and saw a deep red puddle. you knew that was your blood, but that wasn't a new sight for you. you didn't care about how injured you were. you didn't care to seek medical aid first. you cared about jay.

"holy shit." chip said while looking at you. "you're alive?"

you looked at him and squinted in confusion. "yes, i'm alive. why would i not be alive?"

"you don't remember?" gillion asked as he walked over to try and help you stand upright. "i used the last of my healing magic just to keep you from dying. i apologize that you're still in pain."

"ah, you're fine, gill. it's not like i've never-" a searing pain rushed up your body from your ribs. they were clearly broken, shattered even. you winced and your knees buckled. gillion catches you and carefully helps you sit upright against the railing on the deck.

"dude, you need to rest. you can't do anything in this condition." chip said as he walked up and crouched beside you.

"resting won't make my ribs magically piece back together again overnight." you shoot back. you didn't want to rest, not when jay is under fire like this. "don't mind my injuries right now. i'm more focused on who the hell you think you're yelling at over here."

chip just looked back at you absolutely dumbfounded. "how long have you been laying there listening?"

"long enough to hear you screaming at jay."

jay was turned around and wiping the tears from her face. you could tell that she didn't want you to see her in this state, but you absolutely did not care. the sole reason you were even on this ship was jay ferin. you would always be in her corner. you had her back even against navy during training as kids. it was always you, kira, and jay ferin. the officers were always hard on her and her dad was the worst of them all. you earned plenty of harsh punishments over the years from standing up to the authority figures in your life when they would be anything negative to jay or kira. you were their protectors. you were the first person that jay went to when she was leaving and as soon as she said that she was leaving, you were already packed and walking out of the door with her. she is your best friend and your entire world and you would never let anyone harm her.

chip tried to explain himself before gillion interrupted and finally told you the whole story. what you remember is that while you were in allport- which is usually dangerous enough with your high bounties, but you needed supplies- jay saw kira again, and she was with faye and jayson ferin. by the time the crew found her, she was already too close to them. jayson was clearly saying something to her while kira had her hand on jay's shoulder and faye stood there listening. jayson immediately spotted the crew, but his eyes almost shot to you.

"kira, jay. your best friend is here." he said with frustration dripping off the words 'best friend'. kira's eyes widened as she stared you down. her hand dropped from jay's shoulder.

"you... you're alive?" kira said with genuine shock.

"what are you doing here, kira. what are you doing with... them." you said back, gesturing to the ferins.

"what do you MEAN what am i doing here? i'm navy. i've always been navy! you used to be navy too. you AND jay. before you just... left me."

"we didn't leave YOU. we left NAVY. and before i speak one more word, you need to decide between us and navy, ki." you used the old nickname you had for kira. as kids, jay had trouble pronouncing her 'r's, so you started calling kira by 'ki' and let jay catch on. eventually, jay's slight speech impediment went away and you did away with the nickname when you were teenagers as jayson ferin always said it sounded "childish".

kira shook her head and looked down. "don't make this hard, please. you guys could just come back and we could be us again and i wouldn't have to choose."

"choose." you stated. the words pierced kira's heart and you could tell.

"i choose navy. i've always chosen navy. it's my livelihood and i'm not going to leave it for you." kira held her head up and balled her hands into fists.

"then, i'm gonna need you to get away from jay. right now." you stepped towards jay before jayson held a hand up.

"step any further and i will not hesitate to hurt you or your crew."

"i am not scared of you. i never have been. you should know that very well, jayson."

"that is ADMIRAL ferin to you."

"hard to say that when there's so many already. navy is practically crawling with faye's spawn."

faye just looked over to you with a slight smirk. you haven't met jay's grandmother often, but when you did, you immediately got an awful vibe from her. your hatred for her has only grown over the years.

"jay, just come back over to us. you don't need to go with them!" chip called from behind you as he stepped up to stand with you.

"it's not your destiny to go with them! you're walking a better path than them." gillion stepped up beside chip.

jayson's eyes were locked on you. "you have one last chance to turn around and let me talk to MY DAUGHTER in peace. choose wisely."

you looked at chip and gillion as they nodded at you. you pulled out your battleaxe and felt your blood run hot as you entered a rage. a firey aura surrounded you and your eyes began to emit a slight glow. "i've never backed down from you, even when i was a child. and now, you're gonna feel what that old rage feels like now."

before you could even charge him, you felt a heavy weight fall on you that sent you to your knees. there was nothing above you, but it felt like a boulder was dropped on you. you heard your spine crack as pain shot up your back. then you fell to the ground.

"after you fell, we all kinda backed up. gillion wanted to fight, but i could tell that this wasn't a fight we were gonna win and told jay to come with us back to the ship. jay just... zoned out. her dad told her to attack us and she just... did. ollie picked you up and we had to fight to get jay. our crew against jay, jayson, faye, and kira was not a pretty fight at all. we nearly died, multiple times, and we only managed to get out because gillion did some mind trick on jay, picked her up, and we ran." chip said, helping gillion to bandage up your wounds. jay had already left to go have some time to herself. you wanted to go with her, but she told you to just stay there and she'll talk later.

"i cast suggestion and 'suggested' that she freeze and stop attacking." gillion added.

"yeah, that. but anyway, we ran to the ship, but they just chased us. they destroyed half of the port trying to attack our ship. they even got a couple of hits on the hull. it's not awful, but it's not good either. we have to hope that we don't run into anything before we get to edison kingdom. alphonze needs a repair too, so we're just gonna kill two birds with one stone."

"we are not killing birds." gillion shot chip a glare and you giggled slightly before wincing in pain again.

"gill, it's a metaphor. it means that we're doing two things at once."

"that makes so much more sense. i didn't want to believe that you were killing birds with stones."

after getting bandaged up, you went to the captains' quarters and took a nap to try and heal up a little, same with chip and gillion.

you woke up a good few hours later. chip and gillion seemed to have turned in for the night and were resting peacefully, but you didn't see jay. feeling significantly better, you walk onto the deck to see jay sitting against the mast. you walked to sit beside her and she stared off into the distance.

"are you okay, jaybird?" you called her by your special nickname for her. when you called her that, it basically meant 'i'm here for you, tell me anything'.

"i'm not, hawk." jay replied so quietly that it was almost a whisper. hawk was her nickname for you, similar to jaybird. she called you that because hawks are generally hostile to anything bigger than them, incredibly intelligent, strong, and they're loyal. you're just like a hawk. "i froze. i keep freezing. i shouldn't be on this ship. all i do is endanger the people on it. i keep putting everyone in danger."

"jaybird," you moved to face her head on and you grasped the sides of her face to force her to look at you. "you're not a danger. you are not the danger on this ship. we constantly get thrown into danger whether it's gillion and some weird sea creatures, chip with his whole black hole in the sea thing and trying to find his old crewmates, or it's you with the navy. or hell, US with the navy. the navy isn't fond of our crew for a hell of a lot of reasons, and you're not the main one."

"don't lie to me."

"i would never even dream of it."

jay paused for a moment. she knew that you were telling the truth, from your perspective anyway, but she didn't know what to believe. she looked down and started to cry again. you pulled her in close to you and she curled up in your lap, burying her head into your chest. you're the only person she's ever been so vulnerable with. you're the only person she can consistently trust, and she knows that.

you began to caress her hair, twirling strands around in your hands. you felt your heart squeeze, but it wasn't any pain. you had long pushed aside your feelings for jay because you believed that it would cause tensions or conflicts in your further adventures, but as you watched her sob into your arms with the moon beautifully highlighting her orange hair and her face glistening with tears, you knew you had to tell her.

"jaybird, i have to tell you something." you started and jay just slightly looked up at you. "i... fuck, i don't know how to say this. basically, i have some... feelings for you."

"wait, you do?" jay sat up, genuinely confused. "how?"

"what do you mean?"

"how could you like someone like me?"

you scoffed. "well, for starters, we've been friends for years and years. we grew up together. i've watched you go from a scared kid under navy's boots to an absolutely gorgeous, strong, powerful woman. you're a damn good shot and everytime i watch you fight, i just admire you even more. we've gone from me protecting you all the time to fighting together and protecting each other. you're also just so so gorgeous. i love how the color of your hair complements your skin tone and your blue eyes. when you fight, your hair gets all disheveled and falls in your face and it just makes you look intimidating and... i don't know, it just does something to me." you kind of laugh at that last part because you didn't intend to say that, it's just what you were thinking.

jay stares at you, jaw agape, as her eyes widened. you look back at her as your heart races. you don't know what she's going to say at all. except, she doesn't say anything. she just leans over and kisses you. instinctively, you wrap your arms around her waist as she sits in your lap. she runs her hands through your hair and pulls away.

"so... that's probably good, right?"

"yes, idiot." she smiled as she kissed you again. she kissed you like she had been waiting her entire life to do so. she kissed you with such desperation and passion that you were convinced she has had feelings for you for a very long time, maybe even longer than you have for her.

you both decide that it's time to get some real rest and head into the captains' quarters. gillion was asleep in his barrel while chip was asleep in his bed right beside the barrel. instead of going to your bed, you decide to curl up with jay in hers. you were both turned to face each other. you played with jay's hair, occasionally kissing all over her face, while she made sure she was as close to you as she possibly could be. it didn't take long for you both to fall asleep. you dreamed of her and, of course, she dreamed of you.

"wait, so," chip looked at jay with a confused face, clearly about to say something incredibly stupid. "anastasia. what's all that with her. like the romantic dancing and stuff."

you looked over at jay, feeding into the stupidity. "i was charmed! i also happened to be very nervous about asking you to dance!" she looked at you while she talked.

"hmm," chip and gillion looked at each other and nodded like they were agreeing with each other. chip finally spoke up. "me personally, i wouldn't take that. would you, gill?"

gillion shook his head "absolutely not!"

"okay well gillion, you don't like women. chip, women don't like you. i am not taking girlfriend advice from two men who don't get bitches."

chip and gillion dramatically clutched their chests as they pretended to be hurt before jay actually threw a stone at both of them, causing them to fall over.

"WE'RE NOT KILLING THE BIRDS WITH STONES, THE BIRDS ARE KILLING US!" gillion yelled out, referring to jay as 'the birds'.

[watchmakermori]

so like. I read Think Again by jacqueline wilson and I can't stop thinking about how weird bits of it were.

why did she have to do Mr Windsor so dirty. bringing him back as a love interest was a bizarre move in the first place, though I wasn't quite as outraged as some reviewers are. I don't think it'd have been quite as odd if he and Ellie reunited on more neutral terms and sort of rediscovered each other as adults...but they meet up for the first time since Ellie was 13 and it's instantly a date. then they jump into bed with each other immediately. It's weird and nobody really acts like it's that weird

And to some extent I think it's intentional, because Mr Windsor turns out awful and controlling and we aren't supposed to like the guy. But that felt like a very odd choice too. I get that a lot of time has passed, and it's not like we ever knew much about Mr Windsor's actual character...but the idea of him becoming this domineering, mansplaining caricature just didn't fit with what we knew about him. he's only ten years older than Ellie. As a hip young teacher in the 90s, he made a point to introduce his students to female artists, was always encouraging and kind to Ellie, and dealt with Magda's inappropriate advances in a very respectful way. I could believe he wasn't the perfect fantasy man that the girls imagined him to be as teenagers, but like...telling Ellie she shouldn't wear trousers? Making out she's a little girl who needs looking after? I don't know. He felt like a parody of a totally different man.

Which I guess he could be, given he's called Gary Windsor in the new book. Who the fuck is Gary?? The original series confirmed his name was Guy. Can't believe JW and none of her editors caught that.

So Guy/Gary is weird and patriarchal and generally awful, and Madga and Nadine both insist that he's just like that because he's a man (spoiler alert: no). They tell Ellie she obviously wants a woman, which is kind of where she ends up.

I'm going to be charitable and say that JW wasn't aiming for a take-home message of 'men are always bad so date women instead'. I feel like Alice's girlfriend Wendy, who also has an air of pantomime villainy about her, is supposed to illustrate that all is not always rosy in wlw relationships. But it still feels weird

And it makes the novel worse, in my opinion. I love the idea of Ellie rediscovering her sexuality as a 40 year old and realising she wants a relationship with a woman. That's awesome, it feels personal to JW's own life, and it's a good twist on what you might normally expect from a contemporary romance book about a single mum. But that aspect is confined to basically the final page of the book. We spend 99% of the time watching Ellie go on boring dates with a man she doesn't really like and who treats her badly. Then, on the final page, she gets with a woman and the book ends.

I just think the story would've been so much more interesting if this had been the crux of the story. Imagine if Mr Windsor wasn't such a shitbag - if he was just a regular guy who treated Ellie well, maybe had a few flaws, but was fundamentally a great potential partner. Then imagine you have Ellie, who feels logically that this is everything she should want - the happily ever after she's long been waiting for. Except Alice has come into her life, and she makes Ellie reconsider what she really wants for herself.

That conflict feels like it would've played so much better with the throughlines in the original Girls books. Ellie's personality as a teenager, her relationship to her best friends, her relationship to the people reading about her - so much of it is about boys. Magda, Nadine and Ellie are constantly talking about crushes and dating, and that doesn't seem to have changed much even in this sequel. It would've been fascinating to see Ellie grapple with compulsory heterosexuality and how much of her connections to others are tied to that. She might wonder what it would do to her friendship with Nadine and Magda if she started to date a woman - how it might affect her relationship with her daughter, her parents, and obviously her own sense of self.

I just feel like that would have been way more interesting and sincere. the whole novel is called 'Think Again', for goodness sake. but instead we get 300 pages of Ellie dithering about whether to break up with a guy who disparages her flat, her opinions, and generally treats her like a child. It's tiresome

[itchyeye]

Ok I will say. Hot take here but i think JM in s5 is not MEANT to be healthy. I think that’s the whole entire point. It’s never portrayed as healthy; they spend the whole time bickering and arguing and not trusting each other and being so horrifically extremely codependent it’s pointed out BY ONE OF THE AVATARS, THE LITERAL HARVESTERS OF HORROR. I think making them dysfunctional is entirely the point. The last episodes they appear in together they’re arguing about jon becoming GOD, martin is very obviously against it, and jon simply decides he Does Not Care. And i mean, in the grand scheme of things? Jon, well, he’s correct! Doom one world and not millions of others. Martin isn’t portrayed as correct here- (in ‘checking out’, Jon says he knows martin is fine with the theoretical suffering of others, but when he actually SEES it then he’ll be horrified- same logic applies to his take on release the fears vs keep em in 199) all of them are just.. people. With opinions. Not really any of them good, or the standard, or healthy in the slightest. If you’re constantly bickering with your boyfriend about the morality of consuming other people’s terror, asking him to smite people you dislike, and practically insulting him at some points.. i don’t think that’s an intentionally healthy portrayal. Jmart is purposefully dysfunctional in canon, and I don’t think it’s bad writing because of it. And it goes both ways, too! Jon can be pretty mean to Martin throughout the pod!! He insults him behind his back to vent his frustrations about their relationship! Because, hey, loving each other isn’t enough, you’ve got to Actually Make It Work. And they can’t (won’t?) ever do the latter.

Actually, another hot take: not a single relationship exists in tma without extremely jagged or messed up edges. Even the canon ones, especially jmart. Because it’s a hORROR PODCAST.

…evil murder husbands JE, though? I get what you guys mean, tbh. That may be the exception to the above rule.

Same anon as before, i just wanted to add that none of that is from a place of frustration I just want to have a discussion about s5 jmart tbh. I feel like how unhealthy jm is isn’t spoken about in the context of ‘what if it’s intentional?’ Because a lottt of people just assume it’s bad writing when. No, no, i think jonny knows what a healthy relationship looks like, and this absolutely isn’t it (and that is pointed out in-canon)

Outside of my jmart Thoughts, I absolutely adore your writing!! How you DESCRIBE things just completely sticks me in the room in a way I don’t usually experience when reading fic. I sadly don’t really have any jonelias prompts floating around up in me noggin (for NOW), but i just wanted to say that. You’re super cool! I like seeing your stuff on my dash! Sorry i’m an anon, also; I fear people may come for me with fire and pitchforks if i were to use my main lmao. You’re really great at writing their dynamic!!

hey! thank you for sharing your thoughts. i'm not really a productive person to have this conversation with though because i haven't listened past MAG 166 (I have previously said multiple times that I never got past episode 4 of s5. turns out that's incorrect! the last episode i got to was The Worms, I misremembered it as 4 episodes because the first 2 episodes of s5 take place in Daisy's safehouse, so I was counting the number of statement episodes i listened to. they were extremely disappointing so they stuck with me. the jmart plays house episodes i just blacked out i guess as a defense mechanism.)

so, i really can't weigh in on what you've said here because i haven't experienced this season and i'm not going to. publishing both to respond and because maybe other people would like to have this conversation with you and it's clear you've put a lot of thought into this understanding of the text!

what i will say though is that i don't doubt that jonny sims knows what a healthy relationship looks like. i'm not pretending i know anything about him or his irl marriage (besides the crazy and immediate chemistry he and sasha have solely as disembodied voices) but he does write a lot of healthy relationships from his statement givers. people who love and care about each other in romantic, platonic, and familial ways that feel real and three dimensional.

but i'm actually totally uninterested in what sort of healthy relationships he can write, though. i don't seek out healthy relationships in my fiction lmao i seek out interesting ones. i don't want my blorbos to talk to one another like they're on the couch at couple's therapy.

my problem with jmart isn't that it's "unhealthy", it's that it's rewarded by the narrative. i'm supposed to believe that jon and martin randomly getting together in 158/9 is a culmination of their hard work. a reprieve from their suffering. finally, after all that horror, they can end up together. it's a reward for them! it's immediately taken away and that's supposed to be the tragedy. of having had a glimpse at happiness, or having closed your fingers around it, and then it being snatched away.

it's like, have you seen the descent (2005)? if you haven't i recommend it, it's one of my favorite movies. good buried statement. if you liked Lost Johns' Cave you'll love the descent (2005). i'm gonna spoil it for you now though, so sorry if you haven't seen it.

there's a scene near the end where our sole survivor sees daylight. she crawls for like a mile with broken limbs over sharp rocks and her hand breaches the surface. she escapes into the open air. she screams in the most primal, life affirming, animalistic way as she breaths lung full after lung full of fresh air. and then we snap back to reality and she is miles and miles beneath the earth, hallucinating her salvation.

it's really really affecting. it's such a gut punch. you think, huh, we're close to the end of our runtime, i've really come to care about this person. i'm so relieved that she's getting out. i'm experiencing her euphoria at finally escaping. and then it's all ripped away from you. it's incredible!!!

that's what 158 - 160 was supposed to be. jmart in their little scottish cabin with their little highland cows was the fresh air. except ,well, it didn't taste like fresh air to me! it felt like turning around 180* and crawling back into the dark. i think jon and martin are awful for one another but more than that: i don't believe that they find comfort in one another.

one of the chief draws of jon/elias is that elias is a reprieve for jon. he's the one person in his life who he is close to that doesn't hate him. that doesn't verbally abuse him as soon as he catches sight of him. he's also the person responsible for turning him into a monster but listen, you win some you lose some. every relationship has give and take. i: isolate you from everyone you know and drag you deeper into your paranoia. you: crawl to me for comfort only i can give you. romance!

i don't see the doomed romance that people who like jmart talk about because i don't see the two of them ever enjoying one another's company. i don't see anything that they have in common. i see them sort of hunker down as s1's sole survivors but even then, martin is pulling away from jon as hard as he can. we as the audience know this is because of peter, but basira tells jon it's because his mom died (??????) and he hates him too (?????).

so, i don't think that jmart is bad writing because it's supposed to be a great relationship and it's actually really unhealthy. i think jmart is bad writing because their plot arc hinges on me believing, despite 160 episodes giving ample evidence to the contrary, that they are in love with one another. maybe it's bad love, maybe it's a lie or an illusion or a veneer. whatever. i still need to believe (i the audience, the beholder in whose eye this is playing out) that they are in love. with one another.

and i honestly can't even picture them further than arm's length apart.

um also turning around to twirl my hair thank you SO much for your kind words about my writing D: i really appreciate that, it means a lot!!! i think it's obvious i care about this podcast a lot and i spend a lot of time thinking about it so thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and for reading my stuff. you are welcome here on or off anon, i'll also happily not publish things if you would like me not to publish them.

[blizziedoodles]

🌾🌺🌸 and I feel super bad but I doNOT remember his name...Blizzie's boyfriend! The blue guy with the camo pants, I've drawn him before

🌾 What would your OC be like if they were evil. Or if they’re already evil what would they be like as the good guy?

"You know, these questions seem to have something in common, and I don't know if I like the thought of that. I'd like to say that I'm a pretty good person, and honestly I don't want to know what I'd be like if I was evil. So...pass?" So Kezador is the white knight who isn't trying to be a white knight, if that makes sense. He's put a lot of time and effort into creating a place that is safe and secure, where people can live without fear, judgement, etc. I think the logical next step is that if he was evil, he would be very overbearing. The society he created would be very dystopian in that you'd be punished or kicked out for even minor infractions, you'd constantly have to watch what you say around him. As a villain, he would essentially create a police state, even though his FULL INTENTION would have been to create a place of safety and security. He would become paranoid and lash out at perceived wrongs, and since it's his society, his refuge camp, HE would be the one to make the rules, break them when he decided the cause was great enough, and over all become a terrible dictator of sorts. Side note: It's super easy to slip into this sort of mindset if you believe yourself to be a good person. Because if you believe that you're a good person and you're doing the right thing, you can start to feel like you're above reproach, that you can't be doing wrong because that wasn't what you intended to happen. And well...yeah.

🌺 In what situation would your OC be pushed to commit an act of violence? Would they go as far to kill someone if they had to? How would this affect them and their relationships with others?

Kezador had a bit of training from an old veteran who acted as his father figure for a while, so he's good in a fight and knows how to wield multiple weapons at least moderately well. Kezador will fight if the need arises. He prefers to defend rather than go on the offensive. If you don't count self defense as violence, then under normal circumstances, he would never commit an act of violence. However. There are a significant number of people that mean more to Kezador than his own life, and if any of them was killed or murdered (there is a difference), I think that would spark him to...attempt several acts of violence against the culprit. Kezador would kill if it was absolutely necessary. He would not like it and he would try everything in his power not to do it, but when push comes to shove, he would make the call and take the shot. Anyone who knows him well would know that this was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do and they would be there for him. Obviously there would be people who couldn't see him the same way again, but when it all came down to it, the people who matter the most would understand.

🌸 What would your OC do if they were given god-like powers or the ability to change anything about the world for a whole day?

"I would want to use my powers to get rid of evil. There are so many people living in fear all the time. I would want to make it so they didn't have to look over their shoulders at night. I would want to make it so people can live happily and safely. I would also probably try to get rid of diseases and illnesses, and that is...a little selfish on my part because I would 100% get rid of my own diabetes." I'd also like to pop in here and say that of course Kezador would have fully good intentions, but since he is 16 his idea of evil is not as nuanced as it could be. He would want to help as many people as possible, but because he thinks certain things qualify as evil that..shouldn't, he would ultimately cause a lot of problems with those powers. It's just a matter of trying to do the right thing, but not thinking about it from every angle, like when you ask for a wish from a genie and they get you with a loophole.

[bonesandthebees]

A song got me thinking about the latest chapter of Glass Divine so I'm here to talk about identity again

Now that I'm not as heated/have had some time to think I can definitely see how it wasn't necessarily a power play on Tommy's part. The action really, really reminds me of a power play because it was done in the same way that one would to pull a power play. If Tommy had different intentions, he could definitely use that name to have power over Wilbur. Obviously, he's not going to. I don't think Wilbur is even afraid of that, he knows that the worst Tommy is going to do with the name is just use it, but it's still interesting to me as the reader to think about what-ifs.

I'm thinking about what will happen as Tommy continues to use the name. I'm wondering if this will damage the trust between the two of them. I'm so primed by Stars to think about trust, and the feebleness of it all - I doubt that there's anything that can destroy the trust between Wilbur and Tommy, though. Because that trust was created illogically, it cannot be harmed by something that would logically disrupt trust. So if I was to predict anything, I would think that Wilbur would go along with it, while silently thinking to himself "That's not my name" or something along those lines.

Or maybe I'm wrong - Maybe Wilbur will push back. Maybe there was trust that was broken. Then I would have to adjust my model of how I understand Tommy and Wilbur's friendship to work

Then I started trying to think about Wilbur's identity. Then I fell into a rabbit hole where I went back and forth about how exactly I view the role of the pythia. I wrote all of those thoughts out but they're very philosophical and nonsensical and probably say too much about how I myself tend to project onto Wilbur as a character. So those are going to stay in the depths of my notes app

After writing that, I went back to listen to the same music that prompted me to rethink all of this in the first place. And I wanted to find something to sum up my feelings on identity and its role in this fic.

I think that Wilbur is clueless as to what an identity is.

To Wilbur, identity must be this fleeting concept, similar to love or god or any other idea that is hard for some people to wrap their minds around, and easy for others. He might believe that there is no objective truth out there. He might think that he has no identity, objectively. Being the pythia is concrete. Being Wilbur is not

I also think that Tommy knows much better than Wilbur what Wilbur's identity is. I think that the reason Tommy and Wilbur were able to grow together so quickly is because Tommy quickly saw a glimpse of Wilbur's true identity, and he needed to learn more.

This is my current working theory of how this dynamic operates, and it will most definitely evolve as the fic evolves

Goddamn it Bee, you've sent me into an existential crisis/lh

-🔥

yeah the thing is is that in another story or with a different character that would've 100% been a power play. but it's tommy trying to help wilbur. when it comes to religious brainwashing as severe as what wilbur's gone through, you can't do things the gentle and easy way. you have to brute force your way through it and while it's not perfect it's what's gonna happen.

you'll have to wait for the next chapter to see how wilbur reacts though :) tommy and wilbur's budding friendship is very much defined by the notion of it not making sense, but happening anyway

wilbur doesn't have a great understanding of personal identity vs a role. he has no identity himself. he's been told he's not supposed to have an identity. his only identity is his purpose which is to be the pythia. so identity is a foreign concept to him because his was ripped away from him at such a young age. tommy is already seeing pieces of wilbur's identity fall through the cracks, and he's determined to dig it out no matter what. but it'll be an uphill battle for sure.

sorry for the existential crisis lmaoooo but i'm glad you're enjoying

[dreamhot]

now that we know exactly what prison was like, do you think people will stop saying exile was way way worse and the prison couldnt compare? ( im gonna go with no but also i have a bit of faith in this fandom so hopefully im wrong)

i think the trouble we're gonna run into either way is that we're dealing with a situation that's not quite apples and oranges, but that is predicated on different sets of conditions. by that i mean the parties affected by either arc have different motives, alignments, and reasons for having been put in those circumstances, and therefore it'll be difficult to see objective analysis comparing the two

because, while last night's lore streams confirmed that the conditions of the prison were worse than stated, it's not like any of it came as a great shock. we've sensed for a while that c!sam has been lying and exacerbating c!dream's miserable experience, and him outright gaslighting c!bad about what he experienced is just irrefutable proof that c!sam has been hiding things from the others. all that to say that the revelation of the state of the prison, while horrifying, isn't precisely groundbreaking info

by that logic, you have to recall that people have been hand-waving c!dream's treatment for a while because of his crimes. despite the fact that he wasn't even imprisoned for said crimes, some viewers were perfectly fine to watch him suffer from isolation and torture, because they felt it appropriate punishment for what he did during exile and beyond. imo this is why you're not gonna see everyone suddenly regarding the prison with the gravitas of exile, because to some it doesn't matter. one character's suffering was born of intentional malice committed against them; the other was the result of hubris (simplifying here but hopefully ykwim). obviously people are gonna be more sympathetic to the former

**NOTE: i'm not condemning anyone, because i'm not gonna sit here and say 'yeah you can't be happy about an abuser facing consequences', much though i feel the prison was a disproportionate response to what occurred. i'm just stating my impressions here **

exile (and c!tommy's treatment at c!dream's hands) was a deliberate strategy to triangulate and manipulate c!tommy as a show of power and to serve whatever as of yet uncertain purposes c!dream is still pursuing. the prison arc (and c!dream's treatment at c!sam and c!q's hands), while instigated by c!dream himself, wound up serving the jailers as a means to break and punish c!dream in order to get the revive book, also for the sake of power. there are common threads running parallel given these themes and more, but sympathy-wise one arc is more inherently weighted in the victim's favour because the victim in that case isn't also the antagonist

i hope this makes sense! i'm not trying to chastise either side here - just wanted to express why i feel there will still be a lack of agreement on the prison vs exile as far as severity goes

[aquagustd]

Hey Yus!! I don't think the readers who are rooting for a possible jk x oc are only rooting for him because of the one kiss, at least for me I don't feel that way!! Obviously we remember all the terrible things he's done but then we got to read about the way he acted towards Sora at the party and what their convo hinted at, then him flirting with oc and then the phone call with yoongi and then finally the kiss I think it's only natural for readers who maybe started reading your fic cause their bias is jungkook, to be like hmmm where is this going, maybe he does still love her? And it's not that we've forgiven him for his horrible behaviour but you did write a whole drabble showing how in love and how caring jungkook was with oc, so I think maybe people are just reminiscing and hoping that he could go back to that!! Plus all the theories and fun answers you give it's normal I think for people to start to speculate that him and sora's relationship isn't what it seems (I keep writing sora and it keeps correcting to DORA 💀💀 ) so all of that plus the fact that it's a love (lust?) triangle with no infidelity involved people's natural reaction will be to figure out exactly how it will be a love triangle, starting with questioning jk's shitty behaviour and existing relationship with sora!!

I'm not a writer but i respect the hell out of y'all for doing what you do and I can only imagine it must be frustrating cause you want people to understand but at the same time you as the author can't give anything away because you want your readers to read the story in the order it's intended to be read in!! For me personally, having a bit of longing for oc × jk has nothing to do with devaluing tae’s character or throwing him aside as a good partner for her or disregarding junho's storyline or judging Sora before we even find anything out about her, it's just cause I have a weak ass heart for the members that I love 🥺 (and I know hie jk 🚫 not the same as irl jk) but we sort of have to pretend a bit when we're reading a reader x member story, NOT saying jk and hie jk are anything alike but I mean it in a way like our emotions do get involved when we read a fic, probably the same way you feel the emotions when you write!! I don't think it's too unfathomable or shameful (hmm idk if that’s the right word but I’ve seen a few people express that they feel bad for wanting jk and oc to be together) for some readers to be quick to try and see the good in the present day hie jk or maybe even forgive him, it happens in real life too and people don’t always make perfect and logical or even smart judgements when their feelings are involved with another person, people forgive their shitty exes all the time even after they’ve done unforgivable stuff!! Maybe that’s the message you’re trying to give with the story I’m not sure, and we’re not at the end so there’s no way to know except to be patient!! Also 🥴 I feel like someone might call me out for being “too invested” by writing a long ass message like this and ok I might be??? Who knows it’s hard not to be when a story is this good pls forgive me😭 fanfics are 100% an escape for me when life gets stressful I’m sure it’s the same for a lot of others!! Anyway I just wanted to share my feelings on this cause I’ve seen it be a discussion on your page for a while, I hope that’s ok!! You don’t have to post it if you don’t want to!!

Love your writing as usual Yus and omg just saw a notification for the newest chapter so I’m gonna go read it now!!!!🏃🏻‍♀️💨

before i start, i didn’t post the new chapter yet 👁 which one are you talking about ??

that was my intention with the flashback drabble !! like i said in the a/n: so the readers can understand what jk’s return means for y/n and junho.

lmao dora 💀 i get what you mean — but what bothers me with jk apologists is that, yeah, i get that we want them to be together at times because they WERE so in love, they have a child together, etc. but still - despite how toxic he’s being - you’re still gonna choose him over taehyung ??

i feel like i repeat myself every week, it’s a bit tiring. and until everyone is on the same wavelength about jungkook, i think i’m gonna have to repeat myself.

i get that it’s all the build up to the kiss, but we’ve got to really think about it for a bit. why was he suddenly being so sweet to oc? bc things weren’t good with sora at the time ? (some men are like this)

yeah i get that everyone makes mistakes - but there’s a whole man out there who’s proven to be a better father, partner compared to jungkook. yet here i am still talking about him. & oc makes mistakes but she’s gonna think logically and at the moment - taehyung occupies her head & heart.

no ofc !! tysm for reading <3

[handonhaven]

It's the way that 4x07 just probed again that H*sies are watching a show they're making up in their heads. Bc they're saying that Hope said she was bored with Landon and trying to take that as a "win" for them. And saying that Hopes showed "no emotion" to RingLandon or his letter. 😒😒😒

I can't Hope said she was bored with the Stupid Sqauds little show. She said bad(but all very true things) about everyone there BUT Landon. He was the only one she didn't say anything bad about. How H*sies managed to miss or twist that around I'll never understand.

I'm sorry but you would have to be blind to not see that in the whole episode that was the only time Hope showed any emotion(and you can tell she was fighting it too) was with RingLandon and that letter. There is no other logical explanation for that one, other than that they're lying to themselves again.

P.S I love that gif set you made of that scene and how you took out the part about the "friends". In my mind that part doesn't exist. But everything else in that letter. The way I need for this season to end with them going off to travel the world. Or even for the show to end like that Handon leaving to travel the world together away from that school and those people. Just getting to live a long happy life together.

Just the same old thing coming from them, I’m not even surprised. Yeah, Hope never said she was bored with Landon. Like you said, she was probably feeling boredom towards what the stupid squad was doing and Cleo pretending to be Landon. But she was still obviously affected seeing Landon’s face and hearing his words. She had to take a moment before saying “boredom,” she was pushing back other emotions and you can tell. And exactly, she insulted everyone there except Landon. She was speechless for most of that scene. But of course those fans will continue to twist everything and can’t see the obvious.

Ikr! It’s so clear that ring Landon and the letter was the only thing that made an impact on Hope. For sure, you can see that she was fighting against those emotions. Just the whole scene and how it was done, it’s so obvious. And aren’t those fans supposedly experts when it comes to film/tv? You know, with the way they’ve analyzed lighting, camera angles, editing, etc. and the meaning behind it for all their theories that are never correct? So did they not notice the way they zoomed in on Hope’s face when she saw ring Landon and how the music changed and how that first shot of his face was in slo mo? The background music they used when he was reading the letter, them using red and blue, which are Handon’s colors, the whole way that scene was done? They’re surely just lying to themselves.

And thank you! Yeah, that was very much intentional with that gifset haha. Same, I’m just ignoring that part. I think Cleo either added that, or if that really was from Landon, it’s just because he’s not aware of how the squad has been acting all this time. Since they were fine before season 3 and I saw them as Hope’s friends then, but everything went so downhill after Landon dissolved, and he still doesn’t even know how they’ve been treating Hope. (Also, the fact that he mentioned her “friends” but not her family? Yeah, right. We know that Landon would have told Hope that she isn’t alone because she has her family that loves her. He knows how important her family is to her and that she would need them the most.) But yes, I loved everything else in the letter. I want this season to end with them going to travel too! Or at the end of the show, but I’d rather it happen sooner than later. I want a lot more content with them afterwards and to see what they do next, like if they end up living in New Orleans or whatever else they do. And I’d be lying if I said I don’t want a Handon wedding by the time the show ends. 👀

[alison-anonymous]

I Want to Write a Mikayuu Series

Okay.

So um.

If you're reading this, HELLO. All of you long time ONS fans probably don't know me, but I'm Alison and I'm a hardcore Mikayuu, Mitsunoa, Gureshin, etc shipper. I've been in the ONS fandom for almost a year and dear god. The amount of people telling me that Mikayuu is queerbait is just making me really sad 😅 I'm a writer, and I'm the type of person who honestly feels like the author of a series should have the ability to choose how a story ends without influence of their readers. I mean, if it's their story, then it should be their ending, right? However, I also do have some qualms when it comes to how this "love triangle" between Yu, Mika, and Shinoa is being portrayed. This is entirely my personal opinion, but I feel like Shinoa seems to be forcing herself to love Yu. I honestly don't think she cares for him in a romantic way, but more of a very deep-rooted admiration or even envy that she's trying to convince herself to be romantic love. And Yu has said multiple times that he values Mika's life above his own, that he doesn't know what he would do without him if he were to die again (I mean the fact that he suffered seeing his best friend and potential lover die a first time was definitely scarring enough, PLEASE STOP TORTURING OUR POOR BABIES). And it's basically confirmed by now that when Mika said I love you in the manga, it was in the romantic sense. Even though I wish, I hope, I dream, and I pray that Mikayuu will become canon, I honestly can't say for certain what I think will happen. I think it could sway any way, with Mikayuu becoming canon, Yu and Shinoa becoming canon, or it being one of those ambiguous endings where it's heavily implied but nothing actually happens. And in order to make myself feel better when stuff like this happens, I tend to rewrite the entire story with the ending that I would have liked to see ;)

You're probably wondering where the hell this stranger is going with this. Well, I want to write a book. A series, actually.

One that's inspired by Seraph of the End.

Now, if you're interested in hearing me out, then feel free to keep reading. But if not, continue on with your scrolling, no hard feelings. But if you do, and I really hope that you do, give me a chance to explain.

I want to write a series inspired by Seraph of the End called Bloodsucker (working title, obviously). And this series is going to be a reimagination of ONS with an ending that I would have loved to see in the anime and manga. I plan to have three main characters (please keep in mind that I'm going to have name changes): Yuichiro, Mikaela, and a brand new character, Epic.

Now, I would begin this series a bit before the anime and I'm assuming the manga begins. I'd start with introducing our main three characters as they meet in the orphanage (yes, Epic would be a part of this orphanage as well) and how Epic and Yu try to make moves to run away only to be stopped by Mika and Akane.

I plan to include a scene between Epic and Akane where Epic tries to run out in the middle of the night only to be stopped by Akane, and this is what caused Epic to develop a crush on her (Epic is a girl btw). Then I would begin the whole shit with the vampires and how they set the world on fire and shit, but instead of the apocolypse, I'd make it so that most of the adults died in the fire while the kids were taken alive (because young blood is better and whatnot). This includes our little Hyakuya family. The directors would have tried to trade the kids lives for their own, and due to their selfishness, the vamps killed them and took the kids anyway.

This would begin my first story arc: the prewar.

Epic, Akane, Mika, and Yu would all be living under the vampires at this point along with the rest of the kids in their orphanage. I plan to include lots of moments of bonding that heavily imply Epic loves Akane even though she doesn't know it yet and Mika loves Yu, but Yu is fucking oblivious. The four begin to plot their escape, but while Mika and Akane (yes Akane too) are making deals with the vampires to help out with their family, Epic is constantly finding herself getting dragged along to visit Queen Krul. The pink haired vamp has a soft spot for her for some reason and often tells her that Epic and her family are "special" or sum shit. And she's super confused and semi grossed out. But none of the vamps ever dare to hurt her so she thinks it's fine. Then one day they all plot their escape and it's much more planned out and lengthy and less rushed than it is in the anime. Things almost seem to work out until the vampires stop them

And Mika and Akane DIE.

I know. I'm horrid.

Epic is standing here in shock as she watches the love of her life die before her and Mika BEGS for Yu to take Epic and run while they can. So while in the series only Yu survives, he obeys Mika and both him and Epic survive this. They're found by Guren (a new character I haven't come up with yet lol) and Yu is super protective over Epic, not wanting anyone to take the only piece of his family he has left (he's a fucking mess without Mika let's just be honest) and Guren ends up taking them under his wing.

Now we hit the second arc. Still with me?

The War.

Hold onto your hats everyone because this is where shit is about to get complicated. So I do plan to have a bit of a time skip into the current spot where Yu and Epic are attending school with Guren as their father figure and they've become very close. So close that Yu refuses to work with anyone else but her. They end up getting onto Shinoa Squad (obviously going to be completely different in my version) and they get put onto the battlefield. But here's the catch. Well, two catches.

Yu and Epic do have demon weapons. I do plan to try to incorporate that into this. BUT the backstory is different. I plan to make it so that the vampires obviously see the humans as fies. Insignificant things that are more playthings than threats. And they didn't want to have to deal with killing all of them, so they sent demons in their place to handle it. But the humans were able to form deals or "contracts" with the demons and therefore turned the vampires' own secret weapon against them.

Now, catch no. 2

So, Epic, Mika, and Yu aren't seraphs in this. But they are something else. I'm going to try to explain this as simply as I can, but each of them (besides Mika since he doesn't have a demon) have 3 souls inside their body:

Soul 1 is their current soul, the one that identifies as Mika or Epic or Yu.

Soul 2 is their demon soul, like what Asuramaru is to Yu.

And soul 3 is their archangel soul (I might change that name later on).

So I'm just going to come right out and say it. In this series, Epic is the villain.

Yes.

You read that right.

Epic is the villain. But she doesn't know that she is. These Soul 3s were reincarnated into the current bodies of Mika, Epic, and Ari (and I know that's not exactly how it works but screw logic this is just a fucking concept) from their lives centuries ago.

These souls existed way before vampires existed and Epic (or Essie) was very close friends with Yu (or Aytigin). Aytigin was in love with Haru (Mika) but for one reason or another, they couldn't be together. Essie wanted to do something, willing to do anything to make the two of them happy. So she made a deal that brought the vampires into creation so that Haru and Aytigin could be happy. She was willing to sacrifice everything that they stood for so that the two of them could be in love together.

She had good intentions, but of course Haru and Aytigin were furious because now the vampires were turning against the humans and they all basically died. Until they were reborn respectively, but unknowingly.

Now picking back up in the present, Yu and Epic are fighting in one of the main battles and the two are very confused when the vampires make a very deliberate attempt not to hurt Epic. They're unsure as to why, but Guren tells them not to worry about it.

Suspicious bastard.

Anyway, it's revealed finally that MIKA IS ALIVE

BUT HE'S ALSO DEAD

Yes he is a vampire. And Yu falls in love all over again upon seeing him, and after a bunch of struggling, Epic gets kidnapped. At first she gets strangled by Lacus and then she gets kidnapped by Ferid who doesn't kill her surprisingly.

Oh and uh... Ferid is nice in this. He's still a fucking creep, but he's a lot nicer than he is in the series. I plan to make Queen Krul or whoever I turn her into be the villain.

Anyway, they take Epic back to the vampire palace or whatever and Queen Krul and Epic are reunited! And Krul is the one who reveals to Epic exactly who she, Mika, and Yu are and this is what sparks Epic's fall to insanity.

I mean, she's the killer. She's the one who brought them into this world. She's responsible for every death the vampires cause.

I would go crazy too.

So, she manages to escape (partially thanks to Mika) and the two join Yu and the others again and it's revealed a second time exactly what is going on. And while no one actually blames Epic on the Shinoa Squad, that doesn't stop people like Kureto and even herself from blaming.

And this causes her demon to go haywire.

She begins losing her marbles, almost killing her teammates and trying to kill herself, all while the three begin to experience dreams or visions of their Soul 3s.

While all this shit is going on, there's heavy romance between Mika and Yu because these two lovers just got reunited and FUCK did they have glow ups but yes -

Oh. And there is another spark for Epic, even though she doesn't think she's worthy of love.

Okay. I'm just gonna say it.

Lacus falls in love with Epic. Yes. You read that correctly too.

I plan to make the two of them get trapped together at some point and they have to work together to escape. It's during this time that Epic realizes he's not all that bad and has some form of self control and he realizes that she's the most interesting thing he's ever met in this disgusting and boring life and damn do her eyes look pretty-

But yes. She forms a permanent alliance with him that he jokes about as marriage and they meet on other occassions too, but lol yes.

Anyway, blah blah blah, more fall to insanity, the Soul 3s take over their bodies on multiple occasions and there's a lot of bonding and fighting and Epic and Mika somehow manage to get some of the vampires on the human side.

And in the end, Epic and Yu basically sacifice themselves to save the human race and kill Queen Krul. It's a very rough ending I haven't quite perfected yet, but Yu has a moment like he did with the King of Salt. But though he inflicted a lot of damage, it's not enough. So while the team is worried about him, Epic takes this opportunity to fix her and Essie's mistakes.

She allows both Essie and her demon to take control of her body and dies on the battlefield. Queen Krul is eliminated. Most of the vampires are gone. The humans won.

Horray.

Epic is dead.

Kinda. Yu and Mika take her back home and this is the preview to the last arc where everyone's in the hospital and Epic's in a coma. Mika and Yu barely ever leave her side and it's only when Lacus of all people comes to visit that she fucking wakes up.

Okay. Are you still with me? Now come with me to the final arc.

The Post-War.

No my friend. It doesn't end there. Because Mika and Lacus are still vamps and life still sucks and I drank too much coffee this morning.

No it's not over yet.

So flash forward a couple years and Kureto and Crew are working as the heads of this city. Stuff is being rebuilt, people are settling down in homes, Lacus and some of the other "good" vampires find jobs, and Mika, Yu, and Epic get a house together (in case I didn't mention before, Epic is pansexual. She loved Akane dearly and I plan to include scenes where she sees her in her mind and dreams like Mikayuu so she's never truly gone, but she falls for Lacus too when he's not being a sadistic asshole). Things are going strangely when

BAM. Epic and Yu come up with a cure for vampirism.

How, you may ask? I don't fucking know, I haven't read about it in the manga yet but before we come up with an idea for it, imma say they came up with it through a spell. They share their findings with Guren and soon all vampires are being cured, most notably Mika, Lacus, and even Rene.

BUT and there's always a but, Kureto passes a new law claiming all vampires to be property. That any vampire or previous vampire or even vampire supporter/owner that tries to disobey these new laws is to be killed immediately. Now Epic and Yu are in jeopardy because their ex-vampires are in danger (Epic and Lacus have been hanging out a lot more and he's proven himself to be a decent guy. Contrary to popular belief, I headcanon him as not really knowing what to do when he actually cares about someone since he's been a heartless vamp for so long. So when he turns to Mika and begrudgingly asks him for LOVE ADVICE of all fucking things, Mika is ready to die). So basically, Mika and Lacus end up getting locked up along with the other ex-vamps (including Ferid which was a pain in the ass) and did I forget to mention that there's a proposal?

Oh yeah, Yu proposes to Mika and the blond still has yet to give him an actual answer because poor baby is still having a hard time accepting that Yu can love a "monster" like him.

But anyways, now Epic and Yu are furious and SHINOA SQUAD IS BACK IN BUSINESS. With the help of Guren and Shinya and everyone, they form a sort of rebellion and blah blah blah they manage to get Mika and Lacus and everyone out and blah blah blah they all get separated and Lacus begins to get INSANELY protective of Epic and ends up confessing his feelings to her before he nearly dies and blah blah blah did I forget to mention that I'm making Mitsunnoa and Kimizuki x Yoichi canon and blah blah blah.

Epic kisses Lacus as an instinct. Lacus kisses her again. Mika accepts Yu's proposal then almost dies AGAIN. I kill off some characters for emotional tugs and after a ton of more fighting and revenge and psychological breakings later, Kureto is killed. And Guren (or someone else haven't decided yet) is the new head of their city.

Epic, Mika, and Yu finally let Akane and the kids go. There's a lot of Shinoa Squad bonding but this is a summary so I haven't included much besides the main three. Epic and Lacus becomes canon. Mika and Yu get married. Guren and Shinya get married. Shinoa gets pregnant.

And everyone gets the FUCKING HAPPY ENDING THAT THEY ALL FUCKING DESERVE BECAUSE FUCK

I do plan to be slightly ruthless like the creator and include a lot of heartbreaking scenes, but it's going to be much different than ONS but I still want it to hold on to some core relationships.

I just want them to be happy. And I just want to make other people happy because fuck I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY

So. Yeah.

That's Bloodsucker...

So my question to you is... if I wrote this shit.

If I sat down and typed about 30 books roughly inspired by Seraph of the End and Mikayuu and Mitsunnoa and shit...

Would anyone read it?

♡ a.a.

[thejustmaiden]

Jaken = Rin's Dad?

Okay, is this how a daughter treats their so-called father?

Most definitely not.

Rin and Jaken's relationship clearly screams of your typical sibling rivalry punctuated with cute and silly moments of playful bickering.

Yes, Jaken may technically be her main provider, but that doesn't necessarily equate to him being more of a father than Sesshomaru. If anything, he demonstrates more of a brotherly love towards her. As we all know, parents (which Sesshomaru embodies more based on real life patterns and parallels) will leave their older more capable children in charge of looking after their younger brothers and sisters. In this case, that would mean making Jaken responsible for watching over Rin and protecting her if need be. Ah-Un offers protection, too. Think of it as Jaken as the big brother and Ah-Un as the family dog who are babysitting while Sesshomaru as the parent of the household is away at work or taking care of business. I mean, they literally fit that description to a tee and I'm dying at the accuracy of it all! 🤣👌

[Quick! Someone write up a modern au where Sesshomaru finally gets out to have a nice date night but everything goes wrong in the most spectacular way. Like maybe Rin and Jaken catch a ride on Ah-Un to go spy!]

I recently revisited some episodes from The Final Act, and I couldn't believe how many moments like this there were where Rin got after Jaken or when she would "put him in his place" so to speak. Obviously, all of it is mostly harmless. I was only surprised by how often it occurred, not to mention how Jaken would just stand there and take it. Towards a supposed father figure, Rin's behavior is downright unacceptable. There's a certain level of respect a child is expected to show their parents/guardians, and that's just not what I'm witnessing here between them. Like at all.

Rather their dynamic has the nature of some sibling relationships like I mentioned above. So I really wish fans would stop pretending otherwise, because based on what we know of father-daughter relationships- healthy ones at least- they don't appear anything like what Jaken and Rin have. If you could please provide me other examples of where we've seen similar portrayals in fiction or in real life, then perhaps I can get on board.

Look, that doesn't have to mean that because Jaken isn't her father then Sesshomaru must be. They can both be her caretakers without necessarily filling that traditional father role. I'm just saying that if we're going to start assigning titles to characters, let's make sure we are accurate and truthful in our assessments. If you're going to label anyone Rin's dad, then it needs to be Sesshomaru. Jaken doesn't have precedence over him in terms of fatherly attributes, that just wouldn't make sense.

After all, this isn't about what you want to see, this is about what Rin very likely sees. It's safe to assume that she views Sesshomaru more like a father than she does Jaken. She knows she's safe with him (broadly speaking lol) and that he'll come for her no matter what. That sense of security and comfort is what a child seeks and what they should always feel in a parent's presence. She trusts and even idolizes him, just as a young and innocent child tends to do with their parents. At that age, parents are perfect and could do no wrong in their child's eyes. Idk about you, but this describes perfectly how Rin is around Sesshomaru.

Rin adores him and will follow him anywhere- yes, even into danger! That's what the innocence and unconditional love of a child will bring them to do if necessary. Fortunately, at the end of The Final Act we learn Sesshomaru takes Kaede's advice when he realizes that leaving Rin with her in the village is in her best interests. That way she'd be able to lead a more normal and safer life alongside other humans. Remember, Sessrin shippers, that doesn't mean he wasn't still a part of her life and didn't witness her become a young woman over the years right before his very eyes. Therefore, if they eventually do become romantically involved, then most if not all of those gifts had intimate and seductive intentions and it essentially constitutes as child grooming.

I understand from a Sessrin shipper's point of view why it'd be so much easier to claim Jaken as the father. In doing so, they diminish Sesshomaru's role in her upbringing. By refusing to acknowledge the real role he had in helping raise Rin (short periods can be crucial and impressionable too esp. in a child's early years so yes they did assist in raising her not only Kaede), these shippers are better able to justify how their filial-like relationship evolved into a romantic one. So yeah, I get it, if I were a Sessrin shipper I'd probably do the same. It's one of the more plausible arguments available to them, after all. "Let's pin Jaken as the father to fend off antis!" is the best chance they've got, but even so, it's still not good enough. But if you insist Jaken is indeed like a father to Rin, then Sesshomaru is most certainly one too. Who says she can't have two fathers anyway?

The thing is however much you want to deny or downplay what Sesshomaru truly means to Rin and vice versa, nothing will ever change or hide the truth of the matter. Please, stop acting like they're only traveling companions and nothing more. Some of y'all even go so far as to say that they're like strangers. Knowing potentially little about a person is not equal to a lack of love and affection. Making big assumptions such as this to defend your ship is actually doing you more harm than good. Let me elaborate.

According to your reasoning, if that's all Rin ever was to him was a companion and Sesshomaru had no real attachment to her, then what precisely is the basis of your ship? Recall that Adult!Rin doesn't exist yet, thus we have no real idea what she will be like or if she's even alive. So how can you make comments like that but then go on later to say "they have such a unique and unbreakable bond" or "only Rin can be the mother because she's the only human he ever cared for" if all that time spent traveling together didn't amount to much in the first place like you claimed to believe beforehand? Do you see how your rationalizing is confusing?

Contrary to what some of you may think, I'm not just saying all this because I'm an anti and I'm obligated to disagree with you, or whatever other excuse you want to tell yourself. Believe it or not, I'm attempting to give as unbiased and objective of an analysis I can based on widely accepted interpretations of family dynamics, development, and any history we know of.

Of course I respect that at times fans will perceive things differently since that's bound to happen. What's hard for me to wrap my head around however is the unwillingness of some fans- not exclusively Sessrin shippers- to apply basic common sense and sound judgment to their observations and deductions.

Looking at all our facts, then taking the small handful of scenes Sesshomaru and Rin do share together into account, one can logically conclude that their dynamic is akin to one found in a typical parent-child relationship. If you still fail to recognize Sesshomaru as a parent to Rin, then that's fine too. In the end, that won't really change the fact that he'd still take on a role resembling an adult figure overseeing a young child's care and protection. Be it as a vassal, guardian, what have you. Plus, nobody is saying here that Sesshomaru doesn't make mistakes regarding Rin's general well-being, but so do all parents. Overall, I think the majority of us agree that Rin is in good hands. Whether it's in his direct company or in his occasional supervision from his frequent visits to the village.

In other words, it doesn't really matter what exact title you assign him in relation to Rin, as the distribution of power is all inherently the same with any and all adult-child relationships. That bond never changes once you've established it either, seeing as it's a special kind of connection one can only form with a child and a child alone.

I was a teacher for a few years, and speaking from personal experience, you don't need to be a parent, per se, to take on a role of authority in a child's life. I know without a doubt that I could never and will never view any of those kids I taught in a sexual/romantic light later down the road; yes, not even once they become grown-ups who are independent and more than capable of making their own decisions. Those of you who disagree are usually missing the whole point though, because we're not trying to dictate what Adult!Rin can and cannot do like many tend to accuse of us doing. This isn't a question of taking away from her autonomy nor does it fall under "purity culture," which is why people shouldn't continue jumping to these outrageous conclusions and really listen for a change. You're deflecting from the real issue here when you choose to misinterpret what we're saying by ignoring the problem we're actually referring to. You cannot present a valid counter-argument if you persist in twisting our words.

Bottom line: once these kids become old enough to pursue a sexual/romantic relationship, of course they have that right if they're ready. All we're trying to say is you guys ought to stop pushing forward this it's-completely-normal-to-want-to-bang-your-adoptive-dad-since-you're-an-adult-and-can-do-as-you-please agenda and not expect backlash. Ship it if you want, but please stop acting like their romance would be the epitome of a pure and healthy relationship.

Sesshomaru may not wear his heart on his sleeve, but it's foolish to presume he didn't actually care about Rin during their whole time together just because he didn't openly express his feelings until the very end. Surely everybody can comprehend that people handle and process their emotions differently. The way Sesshomaru chooses to is completely valid for the most part, so let's cut him some slack regarding this already.

What I'm trying to get at is that any child whose life you played an influential role in will always be a kid in a lot ways to you even when they're old and wrinkly. Just as they will always picture you as the loved one who guided and protected them when they were most vulnerable and couldn't always fend for themselves. Can't we relate this to children we know personally and apply it accordingly?

Finally, I want to end on this note. Could you kindly take a look at these two images below for a second?

The reason I ask is because of something I recently read that's relevant to the topic. There was this pro-sessrin tweet I saw that stated Rin trying to take care of Sesshomaru when they first met is what a mom would do for a child, which in their opinion, translates to Rin being more like a mother than a daughter if anything.

First off: are you freaking kidding me????

Seriously, so now children aren't allowed to tend to their sick or injured parents?! Parents are apparently superhuman and shouldn't be offered a helping hand from a child, even if they mean well and want to help their parent who's in pain?? Now this Twitter user was mostly being a smartass, but at the same time, it was evident they genuinely thought they offered a valid enough point that warranted no further explanation or clarification.

Secondly, by saying this Sessrin fans don't seem to realize that in actuality they're contradicting themselves and proving the point we've been trying to make all along. Glancing at the first picture and moving down to the second, the role of the one being cared for and the caretaker is reversed. So then by their own logic, Sesshomaru IS in fact like a father to Rin.

What it comes down to is the names you give to the roles these characters play aren't as crucial as the dynamic they share. The specific characteristics of that dynamic are what define the importance of said role, not so much the name in the role itself. So real father or not, Sesshomaru and Rin clearly mean a lot to each other. Close relationships are defined and solidified by the devotion and belonging they have to one another, not solely by the duration of time spent together and their proximity.

Well, that's a wrap! I hope you guys got something outta this blog, and that you enjoyed or found some portions of it interesting. I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject from this fandom, but only engage in conversation if you plan to be respectful. Thank you!

[max--phillips]

I kinda need to vent about something that happened today with my family. It was really upsetting and I still haven't told anyone that I'm questioning myself so I don't have anyone to really talk to about it.

Me, my mom, and my sister were having dinner. They work together so that's usually what gets talked about at dinner. They were talking about a guy who is close to getting fired. My mom didn't know who my sister was talking about so she was trying to say things to help her figure out who it is because she couldn't remember his name. One of the things was the guy's sister and her girlfriend. My mom immediately goes "Oh, the dykes!" I just ignored it. Then a little further into the conversation my sister said it too.

It just makes me think that them accepting my cousin is gay is just because it never gets mentioned. They can talk that way about random people from work. People who for all intents and purposes mean nothing to them and they can't respect something as simple as who they like. It's not the first time either. There was a woman who anytime they talked about her they brought up the fact that she was gay in a negative way. Like that was the big problem with her.

I haven't opened up to anyone about what I've been thinking and questioning yet. But this just makes me not want to. If the two people who are basically all I have in my life act this way about random people they work with, how would they react to me? Someone that they see on a daily basis and wouldn't be able to hide behind it never being talked about.

I have a list of the people I feel fairly comfortable opening up to about this when I'm ready. Sadly, none of my family is on it.

-🐢

Dude that. Sucks. And I’m sorry you feel alienated by people who are supposed to love you. (That being said, my parents are notorious for “adopting” extra kids so if u want my mom will be ur mom now tbqh)

If you just want to vent and get some hugs from me, I give u hug & u can stop reading here. But, if you want some kind of advice or ideas or something… do you have any idea why they feel this way? Are they particularly religious, or is it just a case of “people that aren’t like me are weird and bad”? If it’s the latter, sometimes you can get away with subtly questioning them about their beliefs and seeing if you can get them to logic themselves out of it. It’s not foolproof, obviously, if they don’t want to learn then they don’t want to learn, which sucks. But idk, might be worth a shot.

God fr though if any of my family except me and one of my cousins used dyke around me it would be. On fuckin sight holy jesus

Anyway. I’m here for u and I hope that things get better for u 💖 and I know questioning can be tough but it’s really rewarding in the end imo and if u need anything lemme know!!!

[neenahnah21]

Find my Way Back Home VI

Summary: Bucky Buchanan Barnes is smitten to a four insignia military officer—you. How do you think things will unfold?

 Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

 Word Count: 2,145

 Warning: Swearing?

Earlier, Bucky's stuttering mess were amusing you but now his straightforwardness were flattering you and sending you in a flustered mess. How come a table could turn around this fast.

You couldn't let him know that now, can you.

You looked at him with feign shock and his brows just knitted.

"Wow, look at that Barnes, you know how to follow" you joked and Bucky just send you a playful glare then grew embarrass right after. At the corner if your eye you saw him rubbing the back of his neck showing the discomfort he was in. You didn't dare to mention it though, not wanting to further perturb him.

"Uh-yeah, about that...anyway" he started. You looked at him and grant him your full attention indicating that you are all ears now.

"Uhh— one of the reason why I came" you just hum and waited for him to continue further.

"Just wanna apologise for how I behave, just yeah, tense I guess? But that shouldn't cover it so yah I'm sorry?"

"Are you apologising or asking?" you said solemnly and your deadpan voice caused Bucky to bring his face fort— his face visibly contorted by panic; again. You would of have laugh but then that would be too rude.

"I-Im apolo-" your laughter halted him and looked at you confuse as if you have gone mad.

"I'm just messing around Buck, no need to be so perturb, apology accepted. I don't take lashing out personally, trust me it happens— a lot." you retorted to ease his worry state, Bucky seems to relax at your nonchalantness about the whole situation. Maybe Steve were right, he was just overthinking the whole thing.

"You however does"

"Huh?" he asked confusedly.

"The whole thing, you're taking it too personal" you've commented while giving half of your attention again to your firearms.

"It's personal" he replied shortly and you hummed indicating that you understood. Bucky's story with HYDRA wasn't a secret tale.

"Hmm, why were you up this late anyway" you said trying to change the topic noticing how the ambiance of the room suddenly changed.

"I don't supposed you usually do your apologising during this shitty hours" you joked and Bucky just laughs.

"Can't sleep" and you laugh, well geez fucking obviously, you thought.

"Hmm definitely didn't thought of that" you've commented sarcastically.

"You surely do make a lot of sarcastic remarks don't you?" he told you, state the fucking obvious Sergeant.

"Hmm, would you like having me all solemn and uptight? I can do that too" amused dancing on your face and Bucky could only smile at your cheekiness, definitely didn't took you to be this playful and at ease. You were always professional during the combat training, strict and uptight at employing orders, keen in field and authoritative during meetings. He's blessed to be granted by this side of you in close doors.

"Hmm, definitely not. Got a fair share of that already" and you send him a playful glare telling him to watch his mouth.

"Seriously though, shouldn't you be already in bed? Grandpas need a good night sleep" you teased and you see how Bucky's face was contorted with feign hurt and anger.

"Oh so I'm a grandpa now" he scoffed "tsk, no grandpa looked this great" he boast and you would of have spit your drink when he retorted that, luckily you weren't drinking anything.

"Well aren't we hubristic now" you fired back and he just laughed it off.

"Uh-huh, have all the right to be" well, damn hell he was right. You didn't tell it out loud though, not wanting to further inflate his growing ego. His head might grow too big to fit in the room.

"Tsk" you scoffed.

"Nightmare" he suddenly burst out at the middle of the growing comfortable silence. For a moment you were confuse but then you realize he was answering your question earlier. You nodded and didn't dare to ask about what it was, not wanting to pry his privacy although you already knew too well what was those horrifying dreams all about .

"H'bout you?" he asked way too quickly luckily you were able to grasp it just fine.

"Hmm bad habit I guess, when you're in the military for so long it can fuck your body clock tremendously" you answered nonchalantly.

Bucky knew you were a busy person, never staying still, but knowing first hand that indeed you were always restless somewhat it clenches his heart.

"Uh do want any help?" referring to your still half cleaned roscoes.

You were hesitant at first, you were really sensitive when it comes to your gun, they just feel like personal belongings to you, which they really do. But for some reason you feel no worry at letting Bucky get his hand at those so you followed your guts and let him.

"Uh- yeah sure" Bucky could trace the hesitance that lingers in your voice.

"Don't worry I'm good at guns" he re assured.

"I can tell" you smiled.

"Back in the days" he started reminiscing the memories back in the 40's; the time where he usually do belong, when he's still a whole man despite of the war, when he could feel that he's in control of hisself— and his life.

Just like you he was slightly hesitant at opening up, not knowing if he wanted to burden you with his story but for an unknown reason of pull, he was comfortable at being vulnerable under your sight.

"When I was still in the Army, I usually clean my guns— a lot" he chuckled and you smile. You can see that he's that type of guy.

"Quite the sharpshooter of the troop" he said.

"That I've heard" you smile sadly. You knew the story of the great Sergeant Barnes who've been in an arm with arm combat with the great Captain Roger. When his story were told Bucky's was part of the package.

"Quite owe you and your team America's liberty" you smiled, your praises warms his heart, he knows he's in deep trouble for feeling such.

"Yeah" Bucky muttered suddenly his mood were changing thinking how different he is from that man now. How different of a person he is now compare to the old Bucky back in those days.

"Not quite the same man now though" he admitted. You brought your gazed up to him but his eyes were focus at the revolver on his grip, looking at anything but you.

Bucky was silently contemplating and thinking, if he would say out loud what he feels for you, would there be a chance of you accepting him?would you detest him? would you really accept a broken man? someone who's tainted and in deep trouble with hisself?

He highly doubt. He stand no chance. You were the type of girl who would fall at the arms of men like his friend—Steve, he's the type of man you would go for. He couldn't blame you though. You were everything that he's not, and he can no longer be someone like you are. And Steve could be a perfect match for you, he couldn't bring hisself to the hate the idea specially it was anything but a logical fact.

But were you really?

" No one's remains the same anyway" you said and that brought his attention up to you, can't help but keep his eyes gazing intently at yours. You smile at him reassuringly, intangibly comforting his by your presence alone. Like your beaming smile were suddenly emitting a light to the dark he was in.

"After a war, no soldier remains the same" you added.

"And we're in different wars, some are not necessarily can be seen by the eye nor can be written in history books. We fight our own battles and I think that's quite ok. It's ok not to be the same, I think we all are. Been in the military or not . No one was, nor really is" you reassured him.

Bucky were grateful for your words, it sounds so promising that he couldn't help but trust them.

"Thanks" was all he could say, not really knowing how to equal your words. You just smile at him, a soft one, contrasting the thin line of your lips that he was quite accustomed to. A softness that contrast your hard demeanour outside this four corner of the room.  A softness that he can't help but feel greedy and wish it was all for his eyes only.

For a moment no one really talked, indulged at the current task you were attending. Once in a while your arms would bump or touch each other accidentally—or is it.

You can't help but notice the often talked about prosthetic arm of his. You saw it of course, more often than not. You would glance at it once in a while during a combat training, would still glances at it during dining, would look at it discreetly from afar when he's unaware doing mundane things.

You don't want to pry, really. But as of the moment your curiosity were getting the best of you and you absentmindedly put the calibre you were holding and touch his arm. You knew it was inappropriate, breaking boundaries and impolite of you—you couldn't care less now though.

Bucky stiffens at the sudden action not really expecting it, but when he remembers it was just you, he slightly relax but still perplex at the sudden attention you were giving him. He just looked at you intently, letting you examine his metal arm, if it was anyone he would of have already grip their throat for touching him, but this was you and your touch were sending him comfort, something he didn't anticipate could ever happen.

When your eyes met, you didn't shy out, you just look back at him intently, shamelessly studying him—well that was for a good few second, because after that realisation dawns to you he saw how something snap at you and you were quickly called out of your trance. You quickly withdraw your hands from his, to his dismay. He quite like how your hands dance at his metal one, he couldn't literally feel it but the sensation was still there and he like how your soft one lingers to it.

When you realise what you were doing you couldn't help but curse out loud on your self.

"Fuck" you exclaimed and that seems to brought out Bucky as well. You gathered your courage and looked at him again.

"I'm sorry" you apologise, Bucky doesn't know for what really. "I-I don't know what I was thinking, I-uh I got distracted, shit! I shouldn't of have done that fuck" you stuttered and Bucky just quickly dismissed you off telling you that it was all fine, that he doesn't mind and it was no big deal.

You didn't mind what he was saying, too embarrassed by your action, so you just distract yourself again by finishing your task. You were still unsettled though. Bucky could see the inner turmoil growing within you, he's quite aware at the silent battle you were having with yourself but he didn't dare to call you out of it.

But not a minute past and he saw you finally giving in, you were once again giving in to your urge.

"Buck?" you said a little hesitant and too low to be heard but Bucky's enhanced hearing enables him to catch on it.

"Yeah"

"Does it hurt?" you asked and following your natural tendency again, your hands found its way to his metal one. Bucky savours the sensation of your hand touching his. He could get use to it. It took every ounce of self-control he has not to moan under your touch. The things you could do to him.

"Hmm?" he said haphazardly too distracted at the moment but he was quick to collect hisself, luckily.

"Uh no" he answered " not anymore" and you just hum at his answer.

Maybe that was just want you wanted to hear. That after all the trouble he's been into, after every havoc that came in his way, he way ok. He's broken but ok. Tainted but ok. Troubled but ok. He was alive despite all of it. Maybe that was all the reassurance that you need. He's ok.

Bucky looked at your exquisite face, witnessing how you render him a smile that didn't quite reach your eyes, despite of it he can still see that it was a genuine one.

Bucky's answer satisfies you, finally put you at ease and you could only give a smile as a reply to it. You know it wasn't a happy one but it was a smile that bears contentment and satisfaction.

He was ok, and that what matters the most.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ro & Ali

Ro: Hey! Tess has declared the hospital a no-go zone without saying any more, are you and the baby okay? Ro: I'm really worried Ro: Just hoping that you're both doing well Ali: I'm fine, we're both fine Ali: Don't worry Ali: There's just been...unexpected drama that needs to be dealt with Ali: but its not physical complications, both of us in good health Ro: Oh thank god! I've been praying since I first heard you two were off limits Ro: Anything I can do to help? Ali: Oh God Ali: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Ro Ro: No need to apologise you've been very busy and had much more important things on your mind Ali: There's every need, but also, more than every chance that it won't mean or do anything Ali: I've got to tell you something and its going to change everything and I'm Ali: Well, you'll see how I could not regret or be repentant for anything more Ro: Ali, you're scaring me Ro: What's wrong? Ali: Fuck Ali: Shit Ali: Sorry Posy Ali: There isn't any way to break this easily, ask Caleb, and that's why the 'rents have kept you all away because its so surreal and a mess Ali: but, the baby Ali: its white, Caleb isn't the Dad Ro: Oh Ali: and I know who it is, there's only one person it could be and believe me when I say he is the LAST person I would ever want it to be Ali: it was once, and protection was used and so many other circumstances that now just sound like excuses from someone who's trapped into their worst betrayal Ali: its Drew Ali: I don't know what to say beyond apologising 'til my final breath Ro: Wait....what....no Ro: You're not saying what I think you're saying Ro: What I just read Ro: Because that can't have happened, it wouldn't have Ali: It did Ali: shouldn't have but it did, I did Ali: it should go without saying that you weren't together but how can it now, and I know it does next to nothing to make it better Ali: and I wasn't with Caleb either but these things don't matter now, to anyone, I know Ro: I can't believe this, I don't want to Ro: When was this? Tell me that he didn't come back to me as though nothing had happened Ro: And you didn't just let it happen Ali: Me either Ali: but its happening, and its too late to change it or stop it Ali: He did Ali: I did Ali: I don't know why, I had reasons I convinced myself were right and the best for you but Ali: I'm just a coward Ali: I'm so sorry that my fuck ups are flaws have encroached on and tainted your life Ali: more sorry than I am able to show now, with all this between us Ro: How could you?! Ro: You should've told me Ro: In your silence I was continuing to tell him everything Ro: Give him everything Ro: Not to mention you. We don't have secrets Ali: I don't know, I truly don't Ali: I can shout good intentions from the rooftops but look where we are, and I wasn't ignorant of the old adage beforehand either so Ali: it happened when I believed, you too, that you were over for good Ali: I didn't think he'd come back...then your last birthday happened and I Ali: I didn't say anything, because by Uni, I thought he'd be gone again, and it could really be over, or he'd fuck it up himself Ali: I didn't want to be part of the fuck up, it was beyond cowardly, I know Ro: Don't you understand how little the timing matters? He was my boyfriend, the first, and I loved him Ro: I would never date any of your exes Ro: Sisters don't do that, Ali Ro: It's bad enough that you did, but to never say a word about it until your hand was forced Ro: It's the lowest Ali: I know Ali: I know Ali: Is there anything I can do? Ro: How could there be? You betrayed me Ali: But we're sisters Ro: Are we? Ro: Even Bea wouldn't do this Ali: It was a mistake, a stupid one that lasted 15 minutes if that Ali: Please Ali: Please I don't want to throw away everything we have, all that time, over that Ro: That makes it worse! You don't even feel anything for him Ro: It didn't mean anything to you but you still went ahead with it, despite knowing the consequences for us Ali: It wasn't like that, it didn't just happen because I could, because I was bored or whatever else Ali: it might not have been love but it wasn't that Ali: I was at my lowest, Caleb wasn't being a Father, nevermind a partner, I had two babies on my own and Junior was so...difficult Ali: I was alone and scared and drunk and then Drew was just there Ali: and willing to console Ali: It doesn't make it right, of course, but I would never just do it with no reasoning at all Ali: I'm not looking to be excused or forgiven, not immediately but please give me some hope because I can't lose everyone over this Ali: Please Ro: I don't have anything to give you Ro: I have no doubt you were feeling as bad as you say and I'm sorry for that, but I can't offer you any consolation. I need it for myself Ro: Of course Drew was willing, we've all known that for a long time, but I was just as certain, until now, that you'd never cross the same line Ali: I'm not asking for pity, just the chance at redemption Ali: not today, but one day Ro: What exactly do you expect time to change in regards to this? I already know that Drew didn't love me, perhaps ever, but you were supposed to Ro: You've broken my heart Ali: I won't speak for him on anything, especially that Ali: I do Ali: You can love someone and still manage to hurt them beyond repair Ali: If only love protected us from that Ro: Ours did, for me Ro: Do you know what it's like being next to you? I told myself it didn't have to matter because you never saw me as less than, protected me instead of making a fool out of me Ro: But here we find ourselves Ali: You aren't less than! You never have been, you're incredible Ali: I didn't do this to make you look any sort of way Ro: To who? You've treated me precisely how he also chose to, like I don't deserve and can't handle the truth Ro: Whatever you meant I feel ridiculous, worse than Ro: I've never felt as if I'm just one of many stupid girls in a row until now, for all of Drew's faults Ali: Would you have listened to me? Ali: Because, you knew, you KNEW Ali: and why is my betrayal worse than his Ali: just because it was par for the course from him Ro: Because he isn't my sister! Ro: He'll never matter as much as you Ro: I knew what I meant to him, and I thought I knew what I meant to you Ali: It didn't change what you mean to me, I didn't think of it in reference to you Ali: Obviously, and that was clearly a horribly selfish and cruel oversight on my part that I can only say sorry for again and again Ali: but he isn't you, and he was never good enough for you Ali: however wrong it so obviously is in hindsight Ali: to me, it didn't even touch on you and us and what we have Ali: you're so much more than him, deserve more Ali: again my mistake for thinking HE would be decent enough to leave you alone after Ro: There's what you say and there's what you did Ro: If I deserve so much, why would you do this to me? Ro: Why wouldn't you tell me that it had happened, more importantly Ro: It would have been my choice what happened next with him Ro: Not his Ali: Okay Ali: I did it because I thought it'd mean you stayed broken up, and he'd leave you alone Ali: but of course, you're right, it SHOULD have been your choice Ali: I didn't have any right to try and take that from you, into my own hands Ali: I was just...sick of him treating you how he did Ali: but I only made it worse Ali: of course I did Ro: Yes, well....on that point I can relate Ro: Does he know about the baby? Ali: Yes Ro: And Caleb? Ali: He's gone AWOL Ali: obviously he saw it wasn't HIS but, he didn't give me time to explain the rest Ali: trying to get hold of him stll Ro: Would you like me to start searching? Ro: I won't tell him anything obviously Ali: Oh Ro Ali: it would mean a lot if you could, not just for me if that's off-putting but for him and his family Ali: he doesn't have to speak to me if he's not ready...as long as he's safe, it would be good to at least know that Ro: I know. He deserves to know as soon as possible and it's highly unlikely Drew will be putting in any leg work himself besides running in the other direction Ro: It's safe to assume that was his reaction anyway Ali: Agreed. Ali: That was pretty much the gist, yes. Ro: I know where he'll be too, another safe assumption, if you'd like to get in touch with him as well Ali: That's okay, I think he said all he has to say Ali: If he changes his mind, he knows where we are Ali: Got no right to ask but are you going to talk to him? Ali: For you Ro: No Ro: I can't Ali: Understandable Ali: you don't owe him that, as much as you owe me nothing too Ali: If its any consolation, he's not being logical at all currently so I don't think you'd get any sort of answer from him, even one you don't want to hear Ro: He's rarely logical Ali: Indeed Ali: Well, now you know, I'll leave you alone Ro: How? Ro: You can't go to Caleb's which means we live in the same house Ali: I know but I'll go in with Rock or take the sofa Ali: I promise I'll give you space Ali: and then, we'll both be gone, before too long... Ro: With a newborn? No. I'll go and you can go back to pretending I don't exist Ali: Ro Ali: Please don't Ali: Did I really make you feel like that? Ro: You didn't and that's why it hurts so desperately, because I clearly don't exist to you as a actually am, and I never knew Ali: That is NOT how I feel Ali: What you're taking from this and what you think it means about you Ali: is not what I think, or anyone else Ali: I know I can't make you believe that, I wish I could Ro: It doesn't matter, as you've said, we'll both be gone soon regardless Ali: but not forever Ali: we're still family, we always will be Ro: You've got a growing family Ali: They don't replace you Ali: There's room for us all Ro: I wish it was that simple Ro: That I could be the eager aunt I was at the beginning of this conversation Ali: but you were my sister first Ali: even if you can't be that Ro: I know Ro: But sometimes I can barely remember a time when Drew and I weren't tangled together and I thought I'd got my head around us being apart before discovering that you're complicit in us both being ripped apart and staying together Ro: I honestly believed nobody could or would ever come between us Ali: you and Drew? Ali: but Ro- Ali: he was never faithful Ali: I just don't understand why you stayed with him Ali: so much happened before this Ro: You and I. We're so connected Ro: And yet you'll never understand Ro: I'll never be able to explain it Ro: We have such different eyes on the world, don't we? Ali: Oh Ali: But I WANT to Ali: and I will always try Ali: I always have, haven't I? Ali: That has to count for something Ro: It does and I hope it will continue to do so, if I can figure out how to get across to the 'there' Ro: It's not even your fault, that's what makes it impossible to deal with, that it's just another of my faults Ro: I thought I'd have a fresh start approaching but how can there ever be one now? Ali: You are the last person who's to blame Ali: it isn't at all your fault, not in any sense or in anyone's book but your own Ali: and you're just not right there Ali: the blame lies at mine, and Drew's respective doors, no one elses Ali: I'm just sorry I couldn't keep the rest away from you all too but Ali: She's here, the baby is here Ro: Don't you see that it is my fault, though, because I couldn't kill the part of myself that didn't need him, no matter what I tried it was never quite weak enough for me to walk away instead of back Ro: It's my fault that I was stupid enough to believe that he wanted to be around me, with me, so I let him in, constantly, keeping him around instead of letting go Ro: So there he stayed and here we are Ro: There isn't going to be a goodbye any more, he's in your lives and therefore mine, forever Ro: I don't know what to do with the idea of that Ro: Especially once the illusion of him has been utterly shattered Ali: Well, he did want you around, he must've, whether or not that was in the way he sold it to you, not for me to say but as much as he (and I, not absolving myself here, just talking about his role in it all) did lie and cheat, it doesn't mean everything he did, everything you experienced with him, was a deception or wrong Ali: and I know that that fact is harder Ali: that it would be easier to discredit it all, instead of having to sort through everything yourself and second-guess and categorise, working out what it was, what it means for you and who you'll be Ali: Heartbreak is akin to grief in so many ways you don't fully understand until you're there Ali: I don't think I've truly been there 'til now, either Ali: He plans for it to be a goodbye. Ali: I would prefer it if he would get himself together and could be in her life, as much as I don't want him in MINE forever either Ali: but he has no plans as of right now, quite the opposite. Ro: We can't let ourselves believe that's the thing he'll choose to abide by Ro: For her more than us Ro: Can I see you, both of you, I mean Ali: Yes Ali: Of course Ali: You always can Ali: Don't bring any of the others yet though, please Ali: Not even Mum and Dad know the full story, just that she's white and Caleb is gone Ro: I won't, I promise, it just doesn't seem right, or real, that we're all alone Ro: This scattered Ali: I feel the same Ali: Deserved in my case but it doesn't stop it being terrifying and just Ali: Horrible Ro: Deserved in both of cases, but I don't want to be scared as well as everything else and I don't wish it on you either Ali: Agree to disagree but I call a ceasefire Ali: At least from me, and I'd advise for you too, if only so security doesn't throw you out Ali: Insult to injury when you're very much within the right and your right Ali: Thanks, Ro Ali: You're too good, and I've never been more appreciative of the fact than now Ro: Okay Ro: No, I've never been good enough Ro: You and I both know that Ro: But I'm still here Ali: One day you'll feel different, and see yourself how I see you Ali: but for now Ali: Me too Ro: I'm leaving now Ro: Anything you need me to bring before I slip out of home? Ali: I'm pretty catered for but could you bring a nightie, please Ali: I'm wearing one of Caleb's baggy tops and Ali: yeah Ali: Now I just feel wrong Ro: Yes, sure Ro: I understand Ro: Can I still bring the baby's gift or will it simply add to the feeling? Ro: Not technically for you so Ali: Exactly Ali: If you still want to, I shan't deprive the little one Ali: already enough bad energy she's having to contend with at my expense Ro: We should do a cleanse or something Ro: I know it's been a while since we did anything of that sort but Ali: I'd like that Ali: I need that, in fact Ro: Okay Ro: I can't pretend to feel differently myself Ali: It'll be a starting point for some much needed healing Ali: Not a miracle but Ro: I hope so