#i'm almost sure it's my new meds that are keeping me up so late

[doom-dreaming]

save me everything bagel egg sandwich....

[chroniclyillpolybat]

I think lately I been so upset with myself and I'm not sure how to go about it. I'm so angry that I spent 10 years basicly asleep I'm still not sure what it was, I was there but not myself I wanted to sleep all the time I had no ambition I was in such a victim mentality and still greaiving so many things in 2012 that I basicly went numb. Maybe one day I'll talk about all that. But anyways last year I finally woke up started really working on myself. Working and enjoying life even tho it was not easy dealing with a lot of trauma and past to start healing and being better for my partners and family. Finally I was getting into things and my body starts giving out. I feel like I never learn my lesson I feel like this is my inherited victim mentality taught to me that I'm trying to break. But also I do need to go through the stages of grief when it comes to my chronic illness. And right now I am a little just mad at myself. I feel like the only way I learn things is if I do it the hard way. My mental health I had to almost break to get better. My relationship I had to almost destroy it to understand. And now my body is like haha your gonna be sick so you can understand what you took for granted. Honestly I feel this post is more of a brain dump that I probably will come back to stories if anyone is even interested or I need to work things out in writing.

I feel lately like I'm holding on by a thread. Trying to keep my sanity together. New things in my health pop up I never have any idea if it's a emergency or just a new thing I get to live with. I was feeling panicky and getting into feeling paranoia and feeling like I'm in a dream and I have no idea why and find out I have hogh blood pressure now. Once they got meds in me after 2 days of feeling on the verge of a panic attack I finally feel me. I feel like I can think rationally again. I feel like there is always something new and I'm so suck of it. I feel crazy and just wanna give up. I wish I could ignore it and go away.

[nerdthatsiriuslylovesteaxx]

Helpless part 55, how lucky we are to be alive right now

"PERCY JACKSON YOU BETTER FUCKING TELL ME WHY MY BROTHER ALMOST DIED!" An iris message appeared in his cabin, making Percy fall back onto his bed. It was around eleven in the morning; the words didn't process in his mind for a few seconds. Hazel had tears streaming down her face, eyes red with bags under her eyes as if she hadn't slept.

"Hazel, what are you talking about? He's been in the infirmary... Will is- he was fine I-"

"WHAT THE FUCK GOING ON? THIRD FUCKING TIME, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING."

"I'll go check on him okay?" Hazel took a deep breath,

"Thank you Percy, I'd like to have some words with Solace when I get to camp, Reyna would to, I'm sure." The anger in her eyes would have made anyone else run in fear, he understood the pain, the anger, the fear, the sadness.

"H-hey I'm sure he'll be fine." He forced the words out of his mouth, he was also pretty fucking mad at Will, he'd told them he'd be safe in the infirmary, what the fuck happened? He waved his had through the message, breaking the connection before running to the infirmary. He tried to stay calm, he needed to, he knew it couldn't be Will's fault, Nico would be fine, he had to be fine. He opened the door, unlocked as always.

"Solace! Where are you?"

"He's in the second room, to the left, he's been a wreck all morning so be careful and be gentle."

"Thanks Kayla."

"No problem." He walked towards the room, the door had just been left open, he pushed it open and was scared of what he saw. Nico was laying on a bed, the only movement being the rise and fall of his chest which was likely induced by one of the machines hooked to him, next to him, sitting on the floor was Will Solace, head down in the knees crying silent tears. He sat down next to him,

"Everything okay?"

"Shit I'm so sorry, did anything happen?" Fuck he was meant to be working,

"Hey, man it's okay. Take a breath, what happened?"

"I- I was off for a little while and Nico- he- we think he shadow travelled out. He started drinking, the amount would have been okay for most people but it was in such a short span of time and he's already really weak because he still hasn't recovered from using his powers and he used them again and he lost a lot of blood not that long ago. He's in a coma, he probably will be for a while, I don't know if he's even going to wake up, ever. I know I was meant to tell Hazel and Reyna but I'm too fucking scared to and, shit there's something I need to show you." He spoke through sobs, his heart breaking with each word, hands shaking as he took off the blanket that was covering Nico. Dark shadow-like streaks covered his arms and neck probably covering his entire body, when Will touched them his hand went through. His skin was even paler than normal, he was cold to the touch, the only thing that made him alive was the fall and rise of his chest. Percy was too stunned to say a single word, he look at the small boy, so close to death and he felt guilty. He hadn't been able to help, it was too late, he hadn't been able to protect him, to stop all the horrible things from happening.

"I don't know what else to do, if we increase the dose of nectar it might start to burn him, I'm going to try so mortal meds soon. I don't think any of them are made for underworld power exhaustion butthey might help, I mean legally I can't give anything to him, he has a history of drugs and legally I'm not allowed to give him over a certain amount because it's bad for addiction. Right now none of that matters, I just need to keep him alive."

"Mate, I know it's your job to take care of others but please remember to take care of yourself. You look like shit, maybe get someone to cover for you for a day or two. There's a lot going on, a war ended pretty recently, there's a bunch of new campers coming in, your brothers missing and you've got a lot of people in the infirmary so just remember to let yourself breathe for a second yeah? You're not in this alone; also Hazel and Reyna already know."

"Did Jason call?"

"No, Hazel can feel when people are close to death or have died. Wait Jason found him again? Shit, I hope he's holding up, last time he was worried sick, we both were."

"He had Leo with him, I hope that helped him."

"It probably did, I'm gonna go, I- it just scares me to see him like this. If you ever need help in any way I'm free okay?"

"Thanks Percy, tell me if you hear anything about Austin."

***

[kayhi808]

Billy Mine - Act 2.13

"She's my bunny."

"Bill, you're awake." Keeping an eye on the angry man I move to brush his hair off his forehead & he gives me a dopey smile that I can't help but return. "How do you feel?"

Shuffling his legs, "I'm good."

"You're not good. You took a bullet." The man stands at the foot of Bill's bed, arms folded across this chest, biceps bulging. If you're trying to intimidate me, you win, guy.

"Oooh. Yeah. I did. Yup, I'm not good." Bill nods at me.

I turn to the man, "Juliet Ellis," extending my hand, controling it from shaking, "And you are?"

"Frank Castle," his warm hand wraps around mine, "Juliet?"

"Bunny! Her name is Bunny!" Bill looks disgruntled.

"Shhhhh." Turning back to Bill, resting my fingers against his lips. Bill's dark gaze meets mine. His eyes are normally so dark I didn't notice it right away, his pupils are almost pinpoints.

"Keep it down, man."

Cradling his goofy smiling face, "Hon, they got you on some strong meds, don't they?" Bill closes his eyes and sighs.

Frank laughs, a low rumble, "He's high as hell. He's not feeling a thing."

Turning to Frank, "Bill's told me about you. He calls you his brother. Do you know if he's going to be ok? They wouldn't tell me anything because I'm not family."

"It wasnt a clean shot. They had to go in, remove the bullet. It broke off in pieces so they had to find it all. They gave him some blood. He lost quite a bit, but he's good for a full recovery. Since its late, they said they'll keep him overnight. They're readying a room for him now."

Nodding & wiping away tears of relief, "Thank you."

"Bill's told me about you, too." Noticing your stolen hospital gown, "Have you been admitted? Were you hurt? I was told only Bill and another agent was injured."

"You're hurt?!" Bill jerks awake, "Fuck!" Clenching his teeth at agrivating his injury, groaning, Frank moves over to firmly pin him back down to the bed.

"I'm fine. I'm not hurt." Bill now notices your hospital gown. "I had to find you, so I stole these to wear. They wouldn't let me back here, so i needed to blend in. Pinkie promise, I'm ok." I squeeze his hand.

"Still an escape artist."

Whispering, "Nothing will keep me apart from you, Billy Mine." You kiss his forehead & he closes his eyes and settles.

You hear a commotion outside & a harried nurse walks in glaring at you, "Ms Ellis? You aren't allowed back here."

"It's ok. She's family."

"Well, the Senator is outside looking for her now," shooting me a well deserved glare.

"Shit." I'm torn between leaving Bill and facing my Dad.

"Go take care of that. If they move him, I'll make sure they give you his room number. He'll be fine."

"Thank you, Frank." You drop another kiss to Billy's brow and squeeze Frank's arm as you pass him to head outside.

*****

The New York skies took to storming after the attack at the fundraiser. I zone out watching the rain hit the window pane & water beads racing down the glass. It calms me. I concentrate on that and then my brain won't overthink how it feels like its my fault that Billy got hurt. The steady beep of the heart monitor is also strangely soothing. It proves to me that Bill is alive & well. Mom brought me some of my own clothes to wear. Dad & that one nurse are not happy with my "shenanigans" but I'll deal with that later. Ugh.

The nurses are in every couple of hours to check his vitals. Thankfully he's slept through them, and the nurses say he's fine.

I pulled a couple chairs together to form a little makeshift bed for myself. I wanted to stay with Bill. Frank left once Bill was transferred to this room. He'll return before Bill gets discharged in the morning.

*****

I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but I wake upon hearing the motor to Billy's bed. He's awake & trying to sit up. "Bun, what are you doing here?"

I jump up ready to help him adjust his pillows to make him more comfortable. He groans in pain & swings his legs off the bed. "What are you doing? Where are you going?"

"I need to take a piss. You want to help me with that?"

Such a wise-ass, "Do you need help? I can have them fit you for a catheter." He gives me a sneer but places his hand on my shoulder to stand. It takes him a bit to get his balance. In a softer tone, "Are you ok, Bill?" He doesn't answer me, but grabs his IV cart & shoves me hard enough so I fall back on his bed. "Don't move."

While Bill's in the small bathroom, I try to straighten up his blankets, fluff his pillows, pour some water for him if he's thirsty. I have a bunch of nervous energy.

He comes back out and I debate asking if he needs help. I don't want to smother him, but I don't know how to help. He returns to bed and there's a light sheen of perspirations on his brow. He leans back against his pillow, a little out of breath. I wipe his brow & offer him water, which he takes. "Thank you." Looking at my wonky chairs, "You spent the night on that? Why didn't you go home?"

Shaking my head, "I couldn't. You were here. I didn't want you to be alone when you woke up," my eyes tear up and my voice pitches higher. (I absolutely HATE when it does that.) "What if something happened to you and I wasn't here?" I choke on a sob.

"Aw, sweetheart, c'mere." I start ugly crying before I can stop myself. Billy holds out his good arm to me and grabs a hold of my shirt and pulls me to him. He maneuvers the IV tubing out of the way and fits me on the bed so I'm cradled to his side. All he can do is lean his cheek on the top of my head, "Stop babe, you're breaking my heart."

"You got hurt because of me. I could have lost you again and I don't think I could survive that," shaking my head. Trying to make him see reason.

"Bunny, this was not your fault.. This is the job...."

"Then I don't want you doing jobs like this." Bill laughs & then groans. "See!" I get up so he can have more room & not jostle his wound.

"Look, I know it was scary but I'm ok. We're ok. We'll talk about this later, alright? For now, I just want to hold my girl." He pouts & makes grabby hands with his good arm until I get close enough for him to grab my shirt again & pulls me down to his side. I could have put up more of a fight, but I wanted nothing more than to have Billy Mine in my arms again.

@idaofinfinity @imagine-a-fictional-boyfriend @e-dubbc11 @russosafehaven @bustlingcrowdsxorxsilentsleepers @snowkestrel @jvanilly @terry2227

[findingmypeace]

I know I haven't written an indepth update for a while. I just wrote this in an email to my outpatient therapist and dietitian. We've exchanged emails every so often just to keep them in the loop.

I'm going to put my latest response under a cut because I feel like it's way too much of a 'debbie downer' kind of post.

As an update, things are quite bad... I've never felt so much self-hatred, and this depressed, hopeless, and alone. Insurance has approved iop through 12/31/2023 but that is to be expected because that is the last day of my coverage with (current insurance plan) and (new insurance plan). However, I'm pretty sure this will be my last week of iop because there's not much more they can do for me. I'm really, really scared of what will happen if I don't have that little bit of extra support.

I talked to my parents... My brother's wedding was Nov. 18th. I'm not quite sure where things are at. My Mom texted and then called me on Thanksgiving and we had a 2-3 minute conversation.

(RY) and I have drifted apart quite a bit. That hurts so much. I feel almost entirely alone.

Sleep was crazy for a while. First night eating. That stopped but then I started waking myself from kicking while saying how much I hate myself and to "Make it stop." It's calmed down a lot since a huge increase in my night meds and since I've gotten new bedding.

I do not at all recognize my body. I saw my weight a month ago and at that time I was (X). I can't imagine where it's at now. Every time I see my reflection anywhere, the disgust is sky high. I despise my body which in turn increases my self-hatred so much.

I love (program director at php/iop). I feel like she's the only one that will tell it to me straight and I trust her so much. Last week she met with me and we discussed that I've been in a relapse for a while. I'd have to say I agree with her...  ED behaviors are weird, in fact I'd say it's tortuous. It's a mixture of b/ping, restricting, and grazing. My meal plan has pretty much flown out the window. Of course this has only increased my self-hatred. And I'm scared. I CAN NOT stay at this weight but what will happen in full relapse? I don't know if my body can withstand that and I don't want all of this treatment for nothing.

Dissociation has been happening frequently and it's intense and scary. Essentially I'll get online, go down the rabbit hole, and then it's 6-7hrs later and I look around and realize what's happened and have to reorient myself back to existing in the real world. I tried so many things to prevent it but at this time I've kind of given up. It usually happens on the weekend when I have the day free. At this point, I think I need to not be in my apartment at all, even on my days off.

Work is great but stressful because of constant deadlines. It's kind of hard to maintain deadlines when I'm spending 5hrs/day (2 of those hrs are for commuting) dedicated to treatment. Add in the dissociation and I'm almost always getting 4-5hrs of sleep a night because I'm either staying up super late or getting up super early to get things done on time.

That said, I have gotten a lot out of treatment this time. It's all in my head. I have such a hard time putting everything I've learned into action. It's all there but the depression, hopelessness, and self-hatred are so intense that doing anything takes a HUGE amount of energy.

So not the greatest update. I'm sorry if this is super depressing or pessimistic. I'm just really not in a good place.

[ladytauria]

hey liv sorry in advance i am nosy

🍓🐇🧃🪐🍬🦷🦋🦴🪲

dont be sorry! i enjoy nosy uwu

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

hmm

i was 12. my favorite tv show at the time was this old disney cartoon, "super robot monkey team hyper force go" (abbreviated as SRMTHFG or SRMTHG. i prefer the first but plenty of people use the second.) it was canceled after its 4th season and, uh. the ending was SO bad. like, major major cliffhanger.

anyway, i was looking up... i don't even remember at the time. and i discovered deviantart, and i discovered this person's OCs. read a lot about them, including some fanfic, and then eventually discovered fanfiction.net

i didn't realize what it was at first; i thought it was just a writing in general site? and i was like oh! i can share the book i'm working on! (i have been trying to write a novel since i was 10). and then as i was looking into where i would post it, i realized what it actually was. (no, the title didn't give it away. idk why.)

so then i was like oh!!! this is really cool actually!!! and i wrote my first fanfic xD

that was in 2011? so i was 12, almost 13.

and i've been reading & writing fic ever since~

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both?

okay so this is a tough question

bc like

i love love love love love second person.

like.

*adore* it.

second person, present tense is my absolute fave, but past tense is good too. (i have written an entire sapphic little mermaid retelling [12k words i think] in second person. uh, it needs revisions but it's a full draft. i opened it it the other day and im still so proud of it uwu)

howEVER. outside of writing second person w/o ever explicitly naming the pov character i have not actually written a reader-insert? so for that reason alone i will have to say 'prefer writing oc's'

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

uhh

hm

i'm a chronic oversharer (mostly in the tags) so that's kind of tough!

ah! since my grandmother's memory issues started, i've been doing about half of the cooking (it's been a bit of a battle, as she keeps trying to do everything xD) and i've cooked a lot of new things this year!! i've gotten very good at cooking pork chops. which 🤔 now that i bring that up, i might make friday! or tonight, but they're still in the freezer, so...

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

my grandmother's memory situation has improved a lot!! it's still not great, but like. strides ahead of where we were 7-8 months ago!

my anxiety has been much kinder to me this year <3 i've made some very lovely friends this year~

mmm, oH, my energy levels have been fantastic this year. i didn't realize just how bad they had gotten until i started these new meds, and now i'm just. <333 much better.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

hm

idk if i have any unpopular opinions...? i mean. i'm sure i must, but... nothing immediately comes to mind ^^;

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

hmmm

recently been trying to get in the habit of summarizing what i want to do before i start writing. it makes the process much easier, if ik a bit about what i want to do before going in?

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately

i am much better at being patient than i ever gave myself credit for in the past <3

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?

i can't think of one piece in particular, as the places i find inspiration are. all over the board?

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

picked a wip from my open tabs at random! funnily enough this is also the one i ended up doing for the emoji ask xD

it's also almost triple what this asked for but once i started writing i couldn't stop <3

He swallows, staring up at Tim. Jason has had plenty of practice reading people through a domino, but. He has no reference for the look Tim is giving him now. Only that it— That the feeling it gives him is… is new and strange. He has no name for it, the way his stomach feels fluttery and tight, his scalp and fingers tingling. His mouth opens—but all that escapes is a stuttery puff of air. That’s okay. He doesn’t know what he was going to say anyway. Tim hooks a gloved finger under his chin; tipping his face up. He leans in, slowly—so slow that Jason— There’s nothing keeping him there. He could run. Turn away. But he feels caught, feet anchored in place. Tim’s mouth touches his, and all thought leaves him. Jason has never been kissed before.

[ writers truth or dare ask game ]

[tarnishedxknight]

{out of dalmasca} I decided to just stay on hiatus through Friday and write for this blog as I can. I may do a bit tonight, if I'm not too exhausted, but that's a bit if, heh. I spent the entire day grading and being on the phone on and off for about three hours with various doc offices trying to schedule like eight appts for this month alone.

Anyway, details below the cut, but I know what my schedule is now, at least health-wise. Work still has not gotten back to me about that evaluation I need, but I honestly don't care right now. After Friday I'm going to go back on my regular rp schedule, and then just take certain days off here and there as I need. I'll keep this blog open until Friday, and will likely get at least a few things done each night, even if it's not a whole lot. Writing keeps me sane, as long as it's writing that comes easy to me. =)

Okay so, they felt absolutely no sense of urgency and were not willing to work with me at all to schedule my surgery and other tests in a timely fashion to avoid very serious health issues. So... my "pre-testing" is not until March 18th, and my surgery is not until March 29th. I'm... pretty livid, honestly, because that pretty much guarantees that I will have another attack by then and will have to just go to the emergency room, which is what I've been trying to avoid. The consequences of those can be pretty bad, and I really wanted to do something about this before that could happen, but... no one seems to care, so I have to wait almost a month for surgery.

St. Patrick's Day is a huge thing in my family. We're descended from Irish immigrants, and we go to an Irish pub every Sunday as it is, but this year St. Patrick's Day is on a Sunday, so it's gonna be wild, heh. Except... I can't drink any alcohol the day before my testing. Which. Is on the 18th. So. That means I will be in an Irish Pub... on St. Patrick's Day... and not be able to have any alcohol. I just. Why? Like seriously, whose puppy did I kick or something to earn all this bad luck??? I didn't make the testing appt or the surgery appt either, because if I had, I wouldn't have put it for those days. Nope, the hospital called to tell me when they were. I was like... excuse me? I have a say in when these things happen? And they basically were like... no you don't. *sigh* Three cheers for the abysmally insensitive and evil American healthcare system everybody! Hip, hip-! *flings myself out a window*

In other news, I don't know what is being done for my aunt or where, yet. She lives far away from me, and my cousin lives in a completely different place from both of us. So I'm not sure if they're going to have a funeral, repast, whatever, and in what state. I can't fly right now because of meds I'm on, and if it happens around my surgery date, I won't even be able to ride in a car, let alone drive, for two weeks after. So... I'm on hold for that too. But the upshot is, there's a good chance that because of all these medical appts and my inability to fly, I may not be able to attend any goodbye services for my aunt. *climbs back in through the window so i can fling myself out of it again*

Needless to say, I'm tired, angry, sad, frustrated, and somehow also strangely numb. So. I have to go eat a late dinner and do some laundry, and then I'll be back here to do a little writing. I'm not promising wonders, but I still have a lot of muse despite everything, so even just doing a little bit is a nice distraction.

Thank you, everyone, for being so understanding. And for anyone actually reading my blabbing under the cuts in all these posts, you're an angel and I don't know why you put up with me, haha.

See you later tonight. =)

[mllemouse]

2022 holiday card

hi friends.

I've been feeling like i can approach tumblr from a healthier perspective lately, so

i thought I'd write you my version of like those family newsletters you get in holiday cards to keep everyone in the loop.

Uh, TW for like terrible mental health issues and sexual assault.

I last posted in October 2021, so to cover that bit as well...

that month i set my hair on fire over my stove and had to cut it up to my chest to get rid of all the singed bits. I was sad that my long long hair was gone, so I had my coworker shave me a raddddd undercut

In November 2021 i started seeing a few therapists after spending almost the entire year trying to get started with one and increasingly relying on friends and crisis lines to keep myself here. I settled on one therapist i really liked and still see him weekly.

In December, my coworker began sexually harassing me. It's still an issue and I no longer work with him one on one. Its brought up a lot of past trauma. My mum came to pick me up and bring me home for Christmas, but instead got COVID and had to quarantine in my studio apartment with me for three weeks. I didn't get COVID, but between that and the coworker stuff, i felt pretty traumatized by January. Thank God i got the therapist thing covered in november.

In January one of my coworkers quit, leading to a mass exodus over the course of the year. I'm so proud of my coworkers for pursuing new positions and getting out of this poorly run organization. My visa renewal application also began in January and was approved a few weeks ago, meaning i can stay in the country until 2025! And my employer has agreed to sponsor my green card app, after which I too am outta this place. I've learned a lot about distancing myself from work when the situation is so far from ideal. I also opened up to my closest coworkers about being queer, my history with sexual assault, and what had happened with our coworker in December (which continued into January), and we came up with a safety plan, plus i felt a lot closer to them.

in March i was still really struggling and my therapist recommended medication. I got a wonderful psychiatrist who gently introduced me to the appropriate drugs, not so gently introduced me to the pathological understanding of my mental illnesses. The first week I was on meds my best friend from undergrad came to visit for a week and we saw Tame Impala, which was incredible. Plus did a whole bunch of other fun stuff. I hadn't seen her since like... 2018? Despite the side effects of meds, being upset over my clinical evaluation, and overwhelmed at getting back into like going out in public and doing things, being able to wake up without immediately feeling suicidal was a huge relief.

April I went to Philadelphia TWICE in two weeks. Once to cheer J on in a half marathon and then with my coworker to a conference and sightseeing. I had really wonderful visits and can't believe I had never visited before then!!!

In May, my best friend from grad school and I rode the five boro bike tour. I made a goal at the beginning of the year to ride across the Tappan Zee Bridge and back, which is over 100km (aka a century ride) from my house. This was supposed to be one of my big rides to gear up for the century. This ride was not as fun as 2021, there were so many people and dangerous casual riders on the route, then we spent four and a half hours trying to get home cause the ferries we're overwhelmed. I had fun with my friend but I'm not so sure about next year.

In June i visited J's beach house after a gruelling exhibition schedule through May and June. i had a lovely time until i had a meltdown on the third day. I went to the beach in a binder for the first time and decided to just wear my board shorts instead of taking them off to swim, which was nice. J and our other friend began using they/them pronouns and my nicknames L and LG when they were talking with me in person, and it was super heartwarming and exciting to experience. It made me feel very special.

In July, i had my first appointment for HRT. They prescribed me testosterone right away, but it took around a month to get a response from my insurance, which denied the claim. I was crazy busy at work from August to the end of September and things really fell apart for me. I hired C as my freelancer to help on the exhibition be sure now there was so more staff left, which went really well. However, i stopped taking my meds and all of my good habits fell to the wayside.

In August i went back to Canada to photograph my uncle's wedding WITH COVID. My mum insisted that i travel even though I was sick and then didn't let me stay home for the wedding, because they had asked me to photograph it. It was really uncomfortable, but they were happy i got their wedding photos. Although, i still have not found time to edit and send them. Ugh.

In September i completed a 75 mile (100+ km) ride, meeting my goal of doing a century, but it wasn't to the bridge! i did it alone and it made me super depressed during and after the ride. I'm still evaluating what i want my relationship with cycling to be now, cause long rides by myself aren't really conducive to good feelings for me rn.

when the show at work opened in October, i went to J's parents' house for a Canadian thanksgiving/harvest feast weekend, met their dog, sister, and parents, and had ANOTHER meltdown. They told me they were dating someone--and it was incredibly upsetting, but i didn't know how to bring up my feelings about this. After my month off meds, i was a mess again. After this weekend though, i opened up to many more people because I felt like I needed to extend my support network.

I came out as trans to all my friends and close coworkers (mostly now former coworkers) in the city, let them know I use gender neutral pronouns, that I enjoy my nicknames, and that I was beginning HRT. I went to the pharmacy and got my prescription filled even though I had to pay out of pocket. I started testosterone on October 14th!! I cannot overstate how incredibly important this was to me. It felt like the most meaningful thing I've done for myself in my life. Coming out to people who i knew were safe helped me feel closer to them, and almost everyone was amazingly supportive about hrt.

In October i ALSO officiated my best friends' wedding. It was incredible, and really one of the best days of my life. Everyone in attendance was lovely. My speech and their vows went swimmingly. Everyone had so much fun and enjoyed ourselves into the early hours of the morning. My friends have the most wonderful community of people around them and I'm so glad I'm a part of their lives.

In November I got a new psychiatrist after my old one left the practice. She's ok, and urged me to get a primary care doc to begin keeping track of my blood work, so I'm building momentum for care in the new year. I scheduled an appt with a PCP at a queer-focused clinic in January. after a real scheduling snafu i got a follow up appointment for HRT in mid-December. I ended up missing two weeks of T because of this, which triggered a massive horrible period the day after my birthday. I missed two days of birthday celebrations, but the night out i did have with friends was pretty fun. Idk, i have mixed feelings about it.

things came to a head with J a couple weeks ago where they asked if I had romantic feelings for them, and when i affirmed that, they rejected me before i could say i didn't want to discuss it cause I couldn't handle the rejection in a healthy way. We haven't spoken since and I've been in a pretty bad place despite sticking to meds. However, I've been working through this stuff with my therapist since the incident in October and idk... learning about how fucked up i am is tough. I'm really sad about it all and still figuring out how to move forward.

I also tried to go to Canada for Christmas and couldn't because of the blizzard in buffalo, so I spent the holidays in my house again. at least my mum wasn't here this time.

I've been a little suicidal over the last couple of weeks even though I'm on meds, and only skipped a day recently. I skipped a few days right after the stuff with J happened and ended up going into withdrawal pretty bad, so I learned that lesson. So idk. I'm still trying to muddle through.

To end on a positive note, this morning i noticed that the hair around my belly button, the kind that like makes you the line down the centre of your torso, is getting darker. I feel a little bit scared but also excited. I love a lil bit of tummy fuzz and find it endearing that i can have some for myself. I've also gotten a bit more muscular just from the furniture lifting I do at work, and a few weeks ago I did planks for the first time without any shoulder pain since I injured it in 2012. I've picked a gym in my neighborhood to sign up for when i can get motivated to leave the house and return to strength training. One of the best things about being on T so far has been that it has virtually erased my chronic low body temp and reynauds symptoms, and is supposed to help alleviate my anemia, easy bruising, and PMS/PMDD (which have all been weakened but not yet eliminated). Like all this shit I've been told just sucks and I have to deal with is just disappearing. So eventually i can just be like, a person without symptoms of these conditions?!

Also, Fred and George are sliving. I found shelves on the street for them to climb way up high, and I started feeding the birds and squirrels from the windowsill. They love bouncing around the room and watching the backyard happenings.

I'm not sure I'm hopeful about the future yet cause things are still really hard, but I'm at least learning how to begin living on my own terms.

Fred

George

[meadowmines]

OC-Tober 31: free space :)

[In which Aoyagi gets his weekly visit from his dirty old uncle]

Aoyagi is shoving a batch of bread in the oven for the dinner shift when he hears the door ding. "Be right with ya," he calls over his shoulder.

"Aw, c'mon," a familiar voice calls back. "What's a guy gotta do to get some pussy around here?"

God. Aoyagi tries not to laugh. He really does. He doesn't try very hard. "You sure you wanna burn yer one allotted pussy joke per visit right in the door?" he yells back as he shuts the oven. "You know where yer seat is, ojisan."

Tuesday evening, after the lunch barista and cooks have gone home and before the dinner crew shows up. Just like clockwork. Aoyagi watches from the kitchen as the old man picks his way through the main room to his favorite comfy chair, careful as always not to plant his cane on any paws or tails. A few of the cats trot over to greet him as soon as he sinks into that chair. The fact that he keeps "accidentally" dropping things they're not supposed to eat probably figures into that. "Where's my favorite girl? Hey, Miyuki-chan! Pspspsps--"

Miyuki is facing away from the door and has not yet noticed her favorite customer, and so she goes on licking herself. "She can't hear ya," Aoyagi reminds him. Seems like they have this conversation every time. There are even signs on the wall--Miyuki's glamour shot captioned I'm Miyuki-chan! I'm not ignoring you, I'm deaf! Thank you for understanding! It never sticks. To be fair, though, Aoyagi has been Miyuki's guardian for three years now and he still catches himself going pspsps at her when he knows damn well she can't hear him. "You want the usual?"

"You know it," the old man says. "Hey. Where's that Siamese-lookin' one?"

"Luna? Uh..." Aoyagi starts lining up ingredients on the counter. Eggs, cheese, ham, sourdough bread. "Check under the tables n' stuff. She's been into feet lately."

"Heh. My kinda gal. Naw, the other one. The boy? Little fat one with the stubby tail?"

"Oh, Mochi! Yeah, he got adopted yesterday."

"No kiddin'? Good for him."

"His replacement oughta be around here somewhere..." Aoyagi sticks his head out of the kitchen and sees a big battle-scarred orange cat with big old tom jowls and a clipped ear and a bad case of resting grump face standing up with his paws on the old man's knee. "Yeah, the tough guy climbin' up on ya."

The old man reaches down to give the tough guy a scritch. The tough guy lets out a gravelly meow. If a cat could smoke a pack a day, that's what it'd sound like. "Thought he looked new. What's yer name, bud?"

"He ain't got one yet. We're callin' him 'Nyan-han' for now." Aoyagi goes back to work. "Hey! Yer gettin' decaf. Last time I gave ya the real shit the boss gave me an earful about yer blood pressure."

Aoyagi swears he can hear the old man roll his eyes as he folds a sheet of egg around a slice of cheese. "That was before the doc straightened my meds n' shit out. It'll be fine this time."

"Ojisan."

"The boys ain't let me have one minute of fun since '88." Aoyagi does not know exactly what happened in '88. He's heard bits of it, but the old man's always just sort of handwaved it off. He got hurt, from what Aoyagi gathers. Bad. Bad enough that he almost didn't make it, bad enough that he was never the same after. Aoyagi wonders, but can never quite bring himself to ask, exactly what he was like before. Then again, he probably doesn't need to. Sometimes the old man says something, or gets a look in his eye, or moves a certain way, and Aoyagi thinks maybe just for a second he can see the shadow of the hellraiser Homare Nishitani used to be. "And Yu-chan's the worst of 'em. Caffeinate me."

"The boys and the boss are just lookin' out for ya," Aoyagi says, firmly. "And so am I."

"Tch. Ya hearin' this shit, Nyan-han? Awright. C'mon up here." The old man pats his knee and Nyan-han hops up with another hoarse meow. His face is no less grumpy, but he's slow-blinking and making biscuits like his life depends on it. Probably purring his head off, too. "Heh. Grouchy li'l shit, ain't ya?"

"That's just how his face is." Aoyagi stacks the cheesy eggs onto buttered sourdough with a slice of ham and puts the whole thing back on the griddle to toast. "He looks mean as shit but he's a sweetheart."

"Heh." The old man goes on petting Nyan-han as Aoyagi loads up a tray with fresh fruit and a cup of kitty treats and a plate ready for the sandwich. He waits until the old man's full attention is on Nyan-han and quickly pours a cup of decaf. "Kinda reminds me of Majima-kun."

Aoyagi's eye twitches.

"You do too. More n' more every day."

Aoyagi flips the grilled sandwich onto the plate and cuts it in half, then carries the loaded tray out into the main room. He neatly sidesteps a massive tortie that tries to throw her entire body weight into Aoyagi's leg as he passes and sets the tray down on the old man's table. "I'm nothin' like him."

"Huh." Funny. Aoyagi would have expected him to have more to say about that. But he doesn't. Aoyagi just unloads the tray, and he just goes on petting Nyan-han until the tray is empty. And then he reaches into his jacket pocket, draws forth an obscenely thick wad of cash, and slaps it on the table. "Lock up."

"Haw!?"

"I'm buyin' ya out for the night. That's a thing with restaurants n' shit too, right?" The old man gestures towards the stack of money. Aoyagi guesstimates it would cover dinner, late night, and then some for his whole staff. "Give yer minions the night off. And then fix ya a plate n' sit down." He shrugs. "C'mon. I don't wanna eat alone."

"You're not eatin' alone, ojisan. Ya got ten cats out here with designs on yer ham."

"I want two-legged company that don't treat me like I'm gonna keel over n' die if I drink one cup of decent fuckin' coffee." He snorts out a humorless laugh. "I can't drink anymore. I can't smoke. I can't drive. I can't get it up half the time n' even when I can, I can't do a damn thing with it other than--"

"Awright! Awright! I'll do whatever ya want! Just don't finish that sentence!" He grabs a sign out from under the counter and hangs it in the front door: Closed for private event, will reopen at 11AM tomorrow. aPAWlogies for the inconveNYANce :3

"Attaboy," the old man chortles.

Aoyagi heats up a bacon cheddar scone while he calls his crew and tells them they've got the night off with pay. He cuts up his own little pile of fresh fruit and pours himself some coffee and once again makes his way through the gauntlet of friendly cats with a loaded tray. "I shouldn't be doin' this and you know it," he says as he sits down.

"Yeah, yeah." And right about that time, Miyuki finally turns around and sees her favorite customer. With a joyous earsplitting yell of the sort that only ever comes out of cats that can't hear themselves, she hops down from her perch and trots over to say hello. "Hey! There's my favorite girl. Oops." And he "accidentally" drops a sliver of ham on the floor in front of her.

"Dammit, ojisan." Aoyagi intercepts the ham and wads it up in a napkin before Miyuki can snarf it down.

"Aw, c'mon. Let her live."

"Last thing I need's my number one girl comin' down with the runs in a customer's lap tomorrow. Ya got a cup of kitty treats right there. Give her those."

"Awright, fine." Miyuki hops up into the old man's lap and snuggles up next to Nyan-han. Nyan-han leans over, licks her ear a few times, and goes to sleep. "Ya gave me decaf, ya little shit."

"How the fuck can you tell!?" Aoyagi splutters. "It tastes the same!"

"No it don't." The old man takes another sip and there's that gleam in his eye, the one that hints at the unholy terror he used to be. "Rest of me's goin' to shit but my tastebuds still work. Ya brew yer decaf stronger. Like ya think that's gonna make up for it."

"Tch. Nothin' gets past you, does it?"

"Eh. Not much does." The old man goes on eating his sandwich and feeding treats to the cats. "How long ya been with us now, Amano-kun? 'Bout three years?"

"Somethin' like that," Aoyagi says.

"Ya still that sore at him?"

"What's to be sore about?" Aoyagi takes a big bite of his scone in the hopes that it'll take long enough to chew that the old man will change the subject. He doesn't. "He just tried to kill me, is all. Nothin' to be sore about."

"Any particular reason ya asked Yu-chan to train ya with a blade?"

Shit, how does he... forget it. "Any particular reason ya won't let him look into why Majima called a hit on me?"

"Touché," the old man snorts. "Ya little shit. Like I said. More n' more every day. Get me a cup for the road, would ya? The good shit this time."

"Go to Matsubara on the way home n' leave me out of it."

"I'd drink garbage water straight outta the river before I drink Matsubara's shit. I like your coffee."

Aoyagi sighs. "Flattery will get ya everywhere, old man. Fine. I'll pour ya half a to-go cup but ya gotta tell the boss ya had to torture me for it." Which, given the turn their conversation took tonight, isn't that far from the truth.

"I'll tell him I snuck back n' poured my own while you were in the can."

"Deal."

The old man finishes up his dinner, gently deposits Miyuki and Nyan-han on the floor, and starts to haul himself out of his chair. Aoyagi offers him an arm. He waves it off. He always does. He's always determined to do as much as he can still do by himself, and Aoyagi can't really blame him. So he just pours half a to-go cup of regular coffee and hands it to him. "Torture," he says.

"Yeah, yeah. I ain't rattin' ya out. Hey, I bought ya out for the whole night. Get outta here. Go take a walk. Get you a hooker or a Nintendo or whatever you kids are into these days."

"Fuck's sake, ojisan." Aoyagi shakes his head. "Be careful headin' home."

"Yeah, yeah."

And with that, he's gone and Aoyagi is left alone with ten cats and a lot of thoughts he didn't want tonight.

[takeeachdayonebookatatime]

Why did you elbow me? 136

Achilles Castle part 41 the cardiologist appointment.

Kate: pov this whole week has been slow since i'm stuck doing paperwork. I arrive at work early before the boys. Castle has a meeting at black pawn today. Esposito is planning a little getaway for him and Lanie, I told him Castle has no problem with you staying at the Hamptons house after everything Lanie has done for me she is more than welcome.

Kate: pov I have a Dr's appointment coming up. Castle is going to go with me, Lanie has something that day some medical examiner thing

Castle: pov Kate is making a fantastic pumpkin soup for dinner. Alexis is setting the table, Martha is filling our cups with water. We chat about life, school and work. Kate's upcoming Dr's appointment is just a check up to make sure everything is okay. Alexis is upstairs studying, me and Kate are watching a movie. Kate has been having a little trouble sleeping lately. It might be the new medicine.

Ryan: pov we just closed a very difficult homicide case. The boyfriend poisoned her drink so she died after him and he would not be blamed for her murder.

Alexis : pov today is Kate's appointment which she got the day off of work for. Lanie usually goes with her or dad does. Kate is eating some oatmeal saying she has already showered and taken her pills. I head into her room to help her by grabbing her new medicine that goes into her pod since today is the day she gets it. She takes this medicine once a week. I ask Kate if it's easier to lay on the bed while I access her pod and inject the meds into it. Lanie showed us how to do it. Since my dad is injured I don't think he would be able to do it.

Castle: pov i kiss her on the forehead before we leave. The drive to Dr Burkett office is short, 15 minutes later and her name is being called. Kate is getting a stress test, EKG and an echocardiogram today. A nurse takes Kate's vitals, first is the EKG. The nurse puts the leads on Kate's body and starts the machine. She mentions it is coming up slightly elevated like usual since Kate's heart beats faster than normal. Next is the stress test, Kate has to run on a treadmill while hooked up to a heart monitor. She managed to pass this one. The Echocardiogram Dr Burkett does himself, he squirts the very cold gel on Kate's chest and moves the wand around he points out her scar tissue on her ventricle, pericardium, pulmonary vein and chest.

Kate: pov I mention I think the new medicine is making it hard for me to sleep, Dr Burkett mentions that since my heart beats faster than normal i'm more likely to have episodes of ventricular tachycardia which could lead to vfib or cause cardiac arrest. Also when I'm sick my heart has to work harder than normal and the black licorice almost killed me. He wants to put me on some meds to help my immune system get stronger.

Dr Burkett: pov I tell Kate her antiarrhythmic meds work great at preventing arrhythmias and her emergency heart meds work great at stopping her arrhythmia but it does not help slow her heartbeat down. I know Kate is not going to want to hear this. I suggest we keep her on the new medicine for a bit. Just to give her heart some help so it doesn't have to beat so fast all the time. I also tell Kate there are a few things we can do, one is a type of Catheter Ablation Therapy to remove some of the scar tissue on her heart. The others are an implantable cardiac defibrillator or a pacemaker.

Kate: pov it sounds scary he explains the Catheter Ablation and icd are the ones he recommends for my condition. It consists of radiofrequency energy hitting my scar tissue to stop the source of my arrhythmia. A small surgical incision might be needed on my chest to gain access to my heart to get rid of the scar tissue. The other one requires an icd device, to be placed under my skin. No way I'm having that procedure done, I have severe PTSD from my shooting and cardiac arrest. He says it looks like you will be on arrhythmia medication for the rest of your life. The thing is PTSD causes heart palpitations and since you have ventricular tachycardia, it makes it so much worse. I have a serious question: Dr Burkett, my husband here has an adult daughter and I just wanted to know what my options are for expanding our family.

Dr Burkett: pov well Kate to be honest I don't think a pregnancy would be safe for you with your heart condition, that would be a lot of stress on your heart and you have a lung that has collapsed before. I suggest you get a MUGA scan. It will tell us how well your heart is pumping/working. I tell her I will schedule the scan for her. If she really wants to expand her family then she needs to see a high risk obgyn and see what they say, because I don't think it's safe for her. I also would like to schedule her for a sleep study. I tell her I will call her when there is an opening for the scan and sleep study.

Castle: pov I explain to her the importance of both the procedures. Dr Burkett says to Kate talk it over with your husband. This probably won't get rid of your heart problem, because of how severe your previous trauma was. But will make your heart episodes less frequent. since you have a high chance for your ventricular tachycardia turning into Vfib/cardiac arrest.

Kate: pov Castle grabs all the info packets the Dr hands me. I decide instead of going out to eat we are heading straight to the loft. On the way home he picks up my new meds.

Castle: pov I quickly text Lanie a heads up/warning her that it did not go great. Her cardiologist is recommending Kate have a Catheter Ablation procedure on her scar tissue and a possible icd device inserted. Lanie says she will be by later, In the fridge I look for something for Kate to eat. To be continued. …….

[takoichigo]

I woke up at 8:30 PM today.

I didn't really sleep last night, caught a couple of hours between like 10 and noon, but I had to get up at noon and gather my laundry because a friend's mom volunteered to do it for me. I haven't really been able to do it myself in about a month.

I took a shower today too. I didn't get one before my appointment Monday because I overslept and I haven't otherwise left the house since last Thursday, which I think was the last time I showered. Don't get it twisted, I sit in the tub multiple times a day to relieve my pain that still isn't under control, but my hair...

...I have been losing it. A lot of it. Not all of it, and it doesn't hurt like I've heard it can with chemo. But colon cancer chemo isn't supposed to make all your hair fall out, it'll just "thin". It was already thin to begin with. I haven't looked in the mirror in a week, I'm kind of afraid I have bald spots. It's also much too long so I always just have it piled in a bun on my head (also to keep it out of the water when I'm in the tub).

I went off topic. Anyway. Showered. My laundry was picked up. Laid down and tried to watch some Red Dwarf. Made it through a couple episodes before I conked out. Slept from about 2:30 to 8:30. Woke up at 4, took my medicine, immediately fell back asleep. My bed has no sheets on it, I had to send the ones that were on it to be washed because my AC went out a few weeks ago and I've just sweated so much into them that they were stiff.

I'm not sure if I just was comfy because I'd showered and felt clean, or that I was not lying on a stiff sheet that smelled like B.O., or that only my daytime meds do enough for the pain that I can actually sleep, but I was out cold.

I guess I'm just nocturnal now. I hate this, I take meds at 11:00 PM to *help me sleep* and they fucking don't do anything in the face of the pain I'm in. I'm in the tub right now because the pain flared up and I couldn't lie there.

But I sent all my sheets and towels to be washed...which means I'm air drying when I get out I guess before I try to go back to bed. With no sheets on it. Not that I'm going to sleep. I'll sleep tomorrow during the day and be woken up by phone calls and texts and shit. Because y'know. Normal people hours. My laundry will be here in a few hours, she said she'd drop it off in the morning for me. I'm hoping I'm not asleep when she comes.

I can't do anything anymore. Especially at night, when the pain is the worst. So being nocturnal does nothing for me. Just being up out of bed is really tiring really fast.

But things are getting better I guess. The tumor has shrunk. The levels of the cancer indicator in my blood have gone way down (though they're still too high for a normal person). Blood count is too low, still, it's worse than it was before but I guess still not bad enough for a transfusion. No wonder I've been nearly passing out when I stand up.

I don't know what normal is anymore. I don't go out and do anything, I just...lie in bed. My car is still broken. I couldn't drive if I wanted to anyway... I'm way too weak and shaky, and sitting is almost always painful. Road bumps are god-awful. I've been playing Stardew Valley again because it feels like I'm accomplishing something. I've hit walls I don't want to deal with in almost every other game I have. Which sucks, but...why do I need to stress myself out over it?

My friends are really busy. I haven't seen much of them lately, and the one just always seems like I'm stressing him out when I do see him. The other one just got a new job and blanks out and freezes when I'm upset around him, which happens pretty often, because it's super easy to upset me. Usually just the pain will do it, but also, everything I'm going through is either terrifying or frustrating. I upset another friend the last time they visited, because they hadn't seen me so weak. Everyone keeps saying they're sorry I'm going through this. I hate hearing it. I don't want my friends to be sad or upset around me. I don't want to cause them to be stressed out. It's already so hard to ask for help as it is.

I don't really know why I'm writing this post. Honestly it just feels like I haven't talked to anyone in so long that's had enough time to listen. And probably no one will see this. Which is kind of okay. I feel like I'm just whining anyway.

[timeoverload]

Today wasn't too bad I suppose. It didn't start very well because I slept through all 20 of my alarms. It's kind of ridiculous that I have to set that many as it is but I have a bad habit of hitting the snooze button. I usually get up around 4:30 or 5 but today I didn't get up until 6:15 and that's when I normally have to leave on Wednesdays.

I stayed up way too late last night but I wouldn't have been able to sleep even if I had tried because it was too loud. The neighbors down the street were lighting off super loud fireworks until almost 1 in the morning. I was so pissed and I really wanted to go over there and tell them they were being rude but I'm not a confrontational person. I don't even remember falling asleep but I don't think I got more than 4 hours. I guess having 2 days off messed me up too and I also forgot I had to be there earlier. I work at 7 on Mondays and Tuesdays and 6:30 on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Luckily I still had time to get everything set up and get breakfast before cases started at 7:30. I had 24 today but I got done with them by 3:00. I had time to sit down and eat my lunch too. It definitely was better than last Wednesday. I had 31 cases that day due to add-ons and there was also an hour delay because one of the surgeries took longer than usual so I ended up having to stay late and I was already exhausted. I was so grumpy after that and Thursday sucked.

I also got mad last week because that creepy guy I work with that won't leave me alone tried hitting on me again in front of a bunch of people and I basically had to tell had to tell him to fuck off. It was embarrassing. After that incident, he left the department for a while and when he came back he was clearly in a bad mood and was banging stuff around. It felt like he was trying to be intimidating or something and he also kept trying to find reasons to talk to me. I told him previously that I thought it was weird that he kept calling me beautiful and amazing and I tried to make it clear that it made me uncomfortable. I haven't shown any interest whatsoever so I don't understand why he keeps trying. I don't trust him. He doesn't seem to show a lot of respect for women. He's very desperate for a relationship and I'm not the only girl he acts that way towards. He cornered another girl in the stairwell to get her phone number. I'm not sure why she gave it to him since she said that she doesn't like him either. I would never give him any of my information. Most of the girls are uneasy around him and he likes to go around trying to get hugs. If he tries to say or do anything else to me like that I'm going to HR. He says he's planning on working there a long time and I can't wait to get away from him. At least I don't have to see him at all this week since he's out of town. I don't want him to come back but I'm happy that I haven't had to see him since he did that.

I got to leave work a couple minutes early so that was nice. I went to the store to get cat food and more snacks for myself. I have been eating so much junk food. I think I have actually gained a couple pounds which is good news. Some of my clothes are fitting better. I hope I can continue gaining weight but I also need to eat a little healthier sometimes. I don't even know how much I weigh right now since I don't have a scale so I guess I will find out when I go to the doctor on Friday. I'm also still planning on asking for her to increase my dosage of lamotrigine to 175mg a day since I've been taking 150mg for a while now. I am going to see if she will give me ativan or something for my anxiety. I have taken anxiety meds before and I don't really like them but lately I'm having a really hard time managing it. I haven't had blood work done in a while so I should probably ask to have that done too.

I'm going to make some dinner soon and get ready for bed. I'm sure I will sleep a lot better tonight and hopefully I actually wake up on time in the morning. I'm glad I only have to work one more day this week and tomorrow shouldn't be too busy. I'm going to do my best to make it a good day.

[haldenlith]

Late night ramblings

.

I know they claim that night time thoughts are always bad, but joke's on them, my brain is always like this.

Lately, though, it may be due to medication withdrawal. Tried to get my script renewed only for the doctor to be like "nah". So I get to go off my meds, whether I wanted to or not. Well, getting to go. I've been off for about a week now.

Needless to say, I'm not going back to that doctor.

Which sucks, because almost exactly a year later, I'm back to square one. I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I try to find a new doctor? Should I bother? I'm immune to most of the brain meds I can afford. I still haven't found a therapist. I don't know. I just know that I do still feel unstable, which leads into me feeling that I shouldn't be moving away or anything anytime soon.

On top of all of that, my well is dry, so we're having to dig a new well to the tune of $10K. I've been without running water for about a month now, and probably will be without for another few weeks as we wait for digging permits and what have you. You know, country living. Hooray and all that.

And undercurrenting everything is my feeling weirdly both under stimulated but overwhelmed. Trying to keep up with the two classes I have is proving tricky, but my brain doesn't feel... "into it." I'm not engaged, which sucks because one of those classes I took for the express purpose of something to engage me (and hopefully improve my art).

I've been having a time. That is, of course, ignoring the dumpster fire that is the current political climate and what not. I hate to be "that guy" that isn't tapped into shit, because I always harp on being aware of what's going on, but my brain can't handle a lot of it right now.

Would be great if DeSantis got struck by lightning, though. Just saying.

[britswriting]

Desire (36)

Desire Masterlist

Read Desire on Wattpad

Colby's POV two chapters in a row? Who is she lol

*Colby's POV*

The drive back to Leightons parents house was tense. You could just feel in the air that she had so much anxiety about whatever conversation was going through her head.

I held her hand in the car, glancing over at her every once in a while. "Would you like Starbucks?" I offered, knowing we were coming up on one. 

She shook her head and was confused when I pulled into the drive through anyway. I ordered myself a drink, getting her a small lemonade and cake pop. Her eyebrows furrowed as she looked at me, "But I didn't want anything?" 

"If you don't drink it, Lexi will, and you're really going to tell me you won't eat the cake pop?"

She stayed quiet but happily grabbed the lemonade from me. I smirked to myself, placing my drink in the cupholder before driving away. I couldn't help but mentally gloat when she drank from her lemonade on our way back.

Leighton broke the silence when we were almost at her parents house, confusing me "I'm dreading tomorrow" she said out of nowhere, her inner thoughts finally being spoken aloud.

I glanced over at her, confused, "Why? You don't go home tomorrow"

"I have to take Gemma to see Gabe's parents since I'm" she made quotations with her hands, "in town"

"And that's dreadful, why?"

"Because they hate me" She grumbled, her distaste for his parents becoming extremely evident.

"I'm sure they don't hate you"

She scoffed, shaking her head, "You don't even know them. They always thought I was going to get Gabe into trouble, that I was bad for him... and then ya know, I got pregnant and tied him down" She rolled her eyes, "Not like he didn't ditch us to go to New York for Med School"

"So if they hate you, why are you going?"

"Because I'm trying to be the bigger person and let her see her grandparents" She muttered bitterly, making me let out a breathy chuckle and squeeze her hand. "Well I'm proud of you. Do you want Sam or I to come with you, or do you want to go by yourself?" I asked her to support her and show up if she wanted me to.

"I'll go by myself. They'll ask less questions. After all, I only plan to be there for lunch" She shrugged and I nodded, wishing his parents would go easier on her.

I pulled into their parents driveway, parking behind an unknown vehicle. I opened Leighton's door, asking her whose car that was. She said she wasn't sure, which only raised curiosity. When we walked inside, nothing seemed out of sorts. No extra pair of shoes, no bags, nothing. Downstairs was empty.

We slipped off our shoes, making our way upstairs. I waved at Lexi, passing her room where her and Macy were hanging out, Leighton popping her head into Lexi’s room, “Is the car yours?” She asked Macy, who nodded. “Well, congrats” Leighton smiled, moving to step out of the archway, ready to go find her parents. 

We heard voices come from her parents room, and the closer we reached their room, Lexi had bolted out of her bedroom, quick steps coming up behind us.

"Leigh, wait-" She tried, but it was too late.

"Mom?" Leighton gasped, rushing over towards her mothers bedside.

Both Gemma, Leighton's mom; and Sebastian, Leightons dad, widened their eyes, both having a deer in the headlights look, confirming that we had just walked in on something we weren't meant to see. Leighton then froze. "Fuck" She exhaled, my footsteps quickly taking me to her.

"Leighton, language!" Her father scolded, Leighton glaring.

"Don't talk to me about language! You lied to me!" She yelled, her fists clenched. 

I rested my hands on both sides of her arms, keeping her arms by her side. She looked like she wanted to strangle her father. I've never seen her this mad.

"We didn't lie to you" he denied, and I swear Leighton was going to explode.

She trashed against my body, trying to get her arms free from my hold as she yelled, "YOU DIDN'T LIE TO ME?" She yelled, completely enraged, "WELL YOU DIDN'T EXACTLY TELL ME MOM WAS SICK!" 

"Leighton-" her mom gasped, Leigh still moving against me, finally getting her arms free due to me not wanting to leave bruises on her arms. 

"No! What the hell! How long have you guys known?!"

"Leigh" Lexi spoke up, pushing past me to grab Leighton's arm.

"No! You knew too!" She shrugged Lexi off, Lexi stumbling into me.

"Woah" I braced her, stopping Lexi from falling over.

"How long have you known? What is she sick with? She didn't look like this last month!" Leighton spoke directly to her father, my hand tugging on the back of her elbow to give her more distance between her mothers Oxygen wire and the bed.

"Leighton, please" her father started but she shook her head.

"Tell me!" She demanded, quickly walking over to where her father was standing. 

"Leigh-" He sighed, and even I was starting to get annoyed.

What was going on? And why was it a big secret?

"TELL ME!"

"Her cancer is back baby, and it's terminal" 

The whole room went silent. 

My eyes widened, Leighton's body tensed, Lexi held her breath and Sebastian had a look of sympathy.

"How long have you known?" She whispered and I immediately moved to stand next to her, ready to catch her if she were to fall.

"Leigh-" he tried, but she shook her head. 

"HOW LONG" She demanded again, her hands starting to shake. 

"Since before you left for Italy" he answered her, sounding extremely defeated and full of remorse. 

Leighton was dead silent. No one uttered a single word. 

I didn't know what I expected her to do, but her rushing out of the room wouldn't have been one of my first picks.

I wanted to say so many things to her father, but I knew I needed to stand by her side right now, so with a harsh glare at her father, I quickly spun around, following Leighton down the hallway to the stairs, calling after her.

"Leave me alone Colby!" She called out, her voice shaking.

I leaned against the wall, watching her quickly turn around the banister, leaving my point of view. 

I sighed, my head hitting the wall out of frustration.

"Where did she go?" Lexi asked, my eyes opening to see the desperation in her eyes.

"I don't know. Leave her alone for a minute Lex"

"But-"

"Lexi, just give her a minute" I exhaled through my nose, something dawning on me, "Where is Gemma?" 

She gave me a weird look, "With Macy, in my room. I was babysitting her"

I nodded, pushing myself off the wall and heading towards Lexi's room, spotting Macy sitting on the floor, a laptop in front of her with Gemma passed out on a blanket on the floor.

Why is our child asleep on the floor?

"Where is her crib?" I questioned, Macy's head snapping up at the sound of my voice.

"Uh" She stuttered, Lexi walking into the room, answering "Downstairs"

"Why didn't they tell her?" I decided to ask, ignoring the fact that Gemma was passed out on Lexi's carpet. "I mean... honestly, what the hell? It's been two months" I expressed, turning around to face Lexi.

"I.. I..I.." She stuttered before exhaling, "I don't know" in defeat, which appears to be a common feeling around here.

"Couldn't come up with a good enough lie?" I asked harshly, watching hurt flash against her eyes, forgetting she also has been living with the fact that her mother has a terminal illness.

"It's not just Leighton who is suffering Colby! My mother is dying too! It's not always about her!" She snapped, surprising me.

"Lexi-"

"No! You don't get to walk into MY home and yell at ME for not telling MY sister that OUR mother is sick! It wasn't my place!"

"You're her sister!" I interrupted, surprised I was actually arguing with my girlfriend's sister.

"How did you expect that conversation to go? Text? FaceTime? Phone call? Like oh, by the way, our mother is dying! See you maybe at Christmas! She lives across the country, Colby!"

"She deserves to know!" I argued back, Gemma starting to fuss in the background, catching my attention.

I let out a hard exhale, knowing Gemma needed to stay asleep.

"I know you're suffering too, and I'm sorry that you guys are having to go through this.. I'm just.." I paused, running my hand through my hair, "This is the last thing she needs right now" 

Lexi immediately caught what I said, concern evident on her face as she asked, "What's going on Colby?" letting me know that I might have just fucked up.

Has Leighton not told them? Am I allowed to talk about it? God I hated secrets. 

"Her plates been too full lately.. it's just another thing that is going to add onto her stress"

"So we're all keeping secrets now?" She asked, confusing me.

"Hm?"

Lexi shook her head, rubbing at her eye which made me internally smile.

That's something Leighton did all the time, and it was cute to see her sister also had that habit.

"We used to be so close" She sighed, walking past me, taking a seat at her desk.

"Lex-"

"I don't understand..."

"Understand what?"

"Where I went wrong" She looked up at me from her desk, her eyes having tears in them.

I gave her a sympathetic look as I said, "Lexi" but having no idea where to go from there. I felt bad, but I had no idea how to fix it. It wasn't my problem to fix, I just wish I could at least help.

"She's my big sister Colby, and I feel like I barely even know her" She confessed, rubbing at her eyes to get rid of the threatening tears. 

"Lexi, she's still your sister" Macy chimed in, reminding me that she was still there.

"Doesn't feel like it" She muttered, and I felt awkward. I felt like I was listening in on a conversation I wasn't meant to hear. 

"Hey, I need to go find Leighton" I announced, not wanting to just abandon her.

"It's fine" She sniffled, making me feel bad.

"I just need to make sure she's okay, and then..." I paused, debating in my head if this was a good idea or not, "Do you uh.. want me to send her up? Do you want to talk to her?" I asked, Lexi shrugging without a reply.

I decided it was best to let it go, and let her just sit in her feelings for a moment, quietly thanking Macy for caring for Gemma before slipping out of Lexi's room.

I found Leighton five minutes later, sat in the background, her hand brushing over the blades of grass.

"Hey" I spoke softly, announcing my presence. "Can I join you?" I asked and she nodded, so I took a seat. "Want to talk about it, or do you just want to sit here for a minute?" 

She shrugged, staying silent just like Lexi had which made me chuckle, Leighton looking over at me weirdly.

"Sorry, you just remind me a lot of your sister today" 

"Oh" She replied quietly, her hand still messing with the grass.

I could tell she had been crying, her cheeks red and puffy, but there weren't any more tears falling and I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

"Why can't she just be better?" She asked quietly, breaking my heart.

"I don't know baby, I'm sorry" 

"I just... she's my mom, you know?" 

I nodded, staying quiet. 

"G won't even get to know her" 

"Some people live years Leigh" I chimed in, trying to be the one who was glass half full.

"Unlikely" She muttered, her hand stopping its movement, coming up to her face to wipe at her nose.

"What is your biggest concern?" I asked, trying to remember tips I had gotten from my therapist about communication.

With starting a new relationship with Leighton, she's definitely been quite the topic in my therapy sessions lately. I knew we both sucked at communication, and it's usually my fault, so I had been trying to be more aware of that lately, not wanting to be the one to fuck things up for us, but I was also learning ways I could help her open up more. 

I had expressed during one of my sessions that it bothered me that I had no idea how to help her when she did close herself off, so it was nice to at least try and exercise the tips and tricks I was given, in hopes that it would help us as a whole in getting through something as terrifying as her mother having a terminal illness.

It's not everyday that life slaps you in the face with that kind of news, but I wanted to at least be prepared to try and help, and not constantly feel like I was making things worse.

"That I won't be here when she dies" She confessed, surprising me that she actually answered.

"Leighton it could be years" I reminded her, hating that she was already worrying about being away from her mom when it would ultimately happen.

She turned her head to look at me, her harsh tone breaking the calm aroma, "But what if it isn't? — and even if it was, I want to spend every waking moment with her Colby! She's quite literally a ticking time bomb, and that fucking sucks! It sucks so bad!" She started to whine, a cry sneaking up on her tone. "I just.... I'm losing everything! Logan is away risking his life, Cynthia is distancing herself from me, Aaliyah is hard to reach most times and now my mom is dying!"

I said the first thing that came to mind, "I'm sorry" not having any idea of how to comfort her in this situation.

"And I fucking hate that she's dying, and I hate that Gemma won't grow up with her grandmother.. her namesake! Her fucking legacy!" she exclaimed, her voice getting louder. "She won't have any memories of my mom.. and it sucks. It sucks so fucking bad that the person I named my daughter after, my daughter won't remember!"

"I'm sorry" I repeated, starting to feel like a broken record.

"And they've known for two months?! And didn't fucking tell me! They kept this HUGE secret for months!" 

"I'm so sorry Leigh"

"I just..." her voice started to wobble as she tried to keep it together, failing miserably as her voice cracked when she spoke, "I want Logan to come home" she sniffled, "and I want my mom... my mom to be okay" she breathed, trying to keep her tears at bay, "and... and I want Gem.. Gemma-" her voice shaking, Leighton gulping down her choking sob, "to have a good.. a good life... and.. a family. I want her to have a family. I wish.." She exhaled, wiping the fallen tears away, "I want Gabe to be here, to help.. to be a dad..." she paused, sniffling and wiping at her nose, throwing her head back with her eyes tightly shut, "I'm tired of being alone" She confessed, her head dropping back down in exhaustion. "I don't want to be alone"

It was pure agony to watch, every bone in my body wanted to hold her, but I wasn't sure if she wanted to be touched her not, her breathing becoming heavier as she tried even harder to pull herself together.  

I gave into the urge, shuffling closer to her and pulling her into my chest, her body falling into my arms. "You're not alone, Leighton. I know that in your head family is different from friends, and I understand how much this sucks.. but you're not alone" I reassured her, wishing I could fix this. "I'm sorry you're having to go through this at all, let alone right now" 

I listened to her cry, feeling helpless and wishing I could snap my fingers and fix everything, but life doesn't work like that and it was completely unfair.

"I'm not saying this is the answer but it is an option, you can always move back"

"But I like living in Minnesota" 

"And you can always go back" I reassured her, our eyes finally meeting, my heart breaking seeing how torn she looked.

"But I can't afford it, and I know you say I can always move back in... but I hate it here. I hate the weather, I hate the people, I hate how there are so many residents but it's hard to get a job, I hate how expensive everything is. I don't want Gemma to grow up here-" She started rambling, pushing herself away from me.

"But Leigh, your family is here. Your friends are here and you can always move back.Wecan always move back. Plus, you'll be back in California and it will make getting your record expunged easier. If you want a job, I'm sure Sam and I could hire you. I know you're Miss Independence, but you don't have to work right now. We can support you" 

"But I don't want to-" She started to interrupt, but I shook my head, cutting her off. 

"I know you don't want to depend on us, but for right now it might be the best choice. Yes, you're independent and we know that. We know you're not using us etcetera.. but it makes sense to come back home for a while, and we can always move. I mean, Sam and I were even talking about relocating at some point" I informed her, catching her attention.

Her brow furrowed, eyeing me, "Relocating? You just moved"

"Not right away, but at some point. We can talk about this later, I'm just saying there are options. You're not stuck"

"I don't want to be a freeloader" She expressed, her fingers wiping under her eye near her waterline.

"You're not being a freeloader. Hell, I'll even rent a house for you if you want to be on your own. Let me help, please" I begged, trying to reason with her.

It was in bright bold letters as for what we should do, but she was too stubborn to give it any real thought.

"But I'm finally making a life for myself there" She frowned, her internal battle showing on her face.

"And we're all so proud of you, but sometimes life has other plans and we have to adapt. I understand you're mad at them... and I am too, but it isn't worth it. Yes, they should have told you, but we know now.. so now we need to figure out what you want to do. You said you wanted to hang out with her more, so why would you move back to Minnesota, far away from her?"

She sighed, letting out a groan as she replied, "But I just moved there! It was a bitch to do too! I don't want to do that again" 

"So don't"

"What?"

"Don't move, just stay"

"What do you mean"

"keep your stuff there, stay here, and eventually go back"

"But it could be years Colby! I highly doubt my aunt and uncle want my crap in their house for years without me living there"

"Well, what do you want to do then?" 

"I don't know!" She whined, hiding her face in her hands.

"You don't have to make any decisions right now, but at least think about it. You still need to talk to your mom and dad, and Lexi wants to talk to you-"

"Why?" she spoke over me.

"And I'm sure Gemma needs to eat soon" I finished, before my brain registered her question, "Lexi is pretty uh.. upset at you, I guess"

"Why?"

I shrugged, shifting my weight onto my elbow, my elbow digging into my thigh. "She said something about everyone being secretive"

Leighton sighed, making her way to stand up, offering me her hand which made me laugh.

"There is no way in hell you're helping me up"

"Believe in me Colby!" 

"I do believe in your baby, but it's just plain physics that this isn't going to work" I snickered, earning a glare.  

I decided to humor her, letting her grab my hands and attempt to pull me up.

"Jesus christ-" She grunted, "How much do you weigh?!"

"Hey, that's rude!"

"Lay off the taco bell Colby, damn" She huffed, letting go of my hands.

"It's all muscle!" I defended, pushing myself up off the ground.

"Whatever you say big guy" She teased, a smile on her lips as I engulfed her in a hug. 

"You're being mean" I mumbled against her hair, kissing the side of her head.

"I've had a hard day, I'm allowed to be mean" She grinned, knowing she was going to get away with it.

"You have had a hard day" I hummed in agreement, "but it's going to be okay, and you have a lot of people who care about you and are here for not only you, but your family" I reminded her, her eyes keeping contact with mine. "Now let's go find Gemma, make sure she's taken care of before we go tackle your family. We're in this together Leighton, it's going to be okay"

I went to pull away, ready to walk into the house, when she kept her hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me down into a kiss.

When she pulled away, her hands held my jaw, making sure I was looking at her as she said "I would love to say those three little words... but I need time, but for now.. just know that the feeling is there. I care so much about you Colby, and I don't deserve you, or your kindness. Thank you for always being there for me." she said softly, placing another sweet kiss against my lips before pulling away and leaving me there dumbfounded, replaying her words in my head.

Those three little words...

I love you. 

* * * *

Thoughts and opinions?

Written on: November 16th, 18th, 19th 2022

Word Count: 3.6k

Part Thirty Seven

[newhologram]

New's Ketamine Diary 10.27.22 Underworld

Been almost a month since my last k + health update.

I waited 13 days for my next dose. I still felt great mentally and emotionally despite a resurgence of anxiety lately. Likely a combination of world events + new pain meds + changes happening around me. But no PMS depression. I had been feeling kind of emotional and was cranky last week but I was also kinda burnt out and stressed in general.

It's still so weird to go so long without my intense feelings of hopelessness. Especially considering things going on in the world. I feel so much deep sadness and anger, but that's more helplessness, I guess.

It felt like much longer than 13 days and the trip was definitely a little more intense, but not overwhelming. Very melty. I can't remember any visuals but there was a really good internal conversation about my future that made me feel excited.

The energy I feel lately is very much "Eight of Wands" in the tarot. Path is cleared and there are so many options for me to choose from. Easy to get overwhelmed, but also just really exciting.

After this one I waited a full 14 days. I was worried it'd be rough because of a recent death of a friend. I'm realizing it's the first time I've lost a friend and it's been a lot to process. The trip itself was fine, quite positive actually. But afterward I felt really dizzy and sick for a few hours.

The night before my next dose (15 days later), I narrowly avoided a random panic attack. It came out of my body from nowhere, like suddenly I was in danger. I wasn't able to take my rescue meds to calm it since I was already on pain meds from earlier but I got it managed with acupressure mat, deep breathing, etc.

With a lot more recent triggers, the k session was a little bit of a rough one. I was thrown into the late 80's and it was very film-like. I can't remember much of the trip, but it was definitely a lot of processing and releasing.

I stayed put in bed but even just shifting my position made me sick. I forgot my puke bowl so I had to crawl to the sink. Vomiting is still so weird on k. It's not as unpleasant since I'm dissociated but it's still gross.

It took me a few more hours to recover. I'm now reclined at my desk but not feeling well enough to eat more than a few pickled plums. All out of salt and vinegar chips, which are the healing elixir I crave after ketamine therapy.

The past month has been mostly a dissociated blur. Moving between anxiety, grief, rage, pain. Definitely burn-out from working myself too hard. But not depression and hopelessness. Yes, I want my physical and emotional pains to end but life is still worth living if they don't. I feel very excited for things to come, for a future I can grasp, and that motivates me to keep fighting for health care so that I CAN do what I want to do.

Still waiting to hear about the grievance that was filed for my thoracic MRI, but I did catch up with my PCP. She can't refill my Tramadol since my pain mgmt doc is giving me Suboxone. Tbh I hate the latter. It's stronger, sure, but it makes me sicker. Can't sleep, eat, go number two… I don't want to JUST be on that stuff. So my PCP is going to try to refer me to a pain mgmt doc who has experience with Tramadol (most I've seen don't prescribe it anymore at all). She said that she trusts I'm not abusing it since she knows how painful my conditions are and that the rate of my refills indicates I really am only using it for "bad days."

Still trying to make appt with new GI. Colitis has been really good lately though, I'm managing it well with my new supplement and pate routine. Period is supposed to be due today, so we'll see if I survive it since I can't take Suboxone or Tramadol on a ketamine day. Whoops.

[typical-simplelove]

Glad You Exist -> Tyson Jost

Summary: After a confession gone wrong, Tyson recounts a few times when he should have realized you were confessing your love.

Author's Note: I think we should all know I'm a bitch for any fics based off of songs but also country songs. Here is another edition of Claudia writes based on songs. I hope you enjoy this, and please let me know what you thought!

Warnings: explicit female reader, a few curse words, alcohol, getting drunk, making laundry detergent going wrong, confessions going wrong; mostly proofread, angst

Word Count: 3.6k (including lyrics)

Italics are flashbacks

Here's to all the late night drunk phone calls that you picked up Here's to all the bad decisions that you didn't judge All the "love yous" and the "hate yous" and the secrets that you told me Here's to everyone but mostly us

Tyson places his phone down on the coffee table and sighs as it turns off. He’s tried to call you about three times now, but knowing the way things were between you two, it makes sense why you’d let it go to voicemail and not pickup. The past few days have been rough on Tyson. He hasn’t heard your voice at all, and it’s starting to be a drag on him. He used to hear your voice and that alone would be enough for him to keep going, keep smiling and keep being happy. When all he hears are the same words through your voicemail message, Tyson’s mood continuously shifts. He’s tired of hearing the same words. He wants something new from you, something more. He guesses that if he opened his eyes sooner, he would have realized that it was all there. It was there the whole time. You were there the whole time, and his love for you was there the entire time.

Tyson makes sure his ringer is on because he doesn’t know if you’ll call. Although you’re probably still pretty pissed at him, Tyson isn’t sure. Maybe, just maybe, a miracle will come through, and you’ll realize that Tyson is an idiot who just wants to be forgiven, like, yesterday. He glances at his empty glass. Normally, if Tyson were feeling like shit, the glass would be filled with tequila. Anything that would numb the pain he was feeling. However, he knows that the minute he grabs the bottle, your scolding but kind tone would be reprimanding him. Who was Tyson to drink the night before a game? Tyson’s weakened will would only get worse. So far, he’s been able to separate his feelings from his game, but the minute he began to drink, it wouldn’t be able to be separated anymore.

Taking another sip of his apple juice (at least he can pretend it’s fancy champagne), Tyson remembers the first time you ever spent the night at his apartment.

You came over to hang out because you didn’t feel like being alone and ended up spending the night because you were too wasted to drive home. As one drink became two which became four which became a giggling mess, you were spilling your guts. You were laughing hysterically at anything you or Tyson said. He had to turn the TV off because you were laughing at that, too. There’s nothing funny about Chicago Med and one of the doctors cutting open someone’s leg.

“So, I said to him, ‘no, she’s my best friend, and I won’t do that to her,’” you say in between giggles. Tyson just looks at you and refills your glass. He’s been refilling it with water or juice for the past hour, and you haven’t seemed to notice. Something about you being a lightweight. “When I said that, he looked at me as if I had four heads! All I did was tell him I couldn’t go to the dance with him because he had just broken up with my best friend.”

“Oh yeah?” Tyson confirms with a smirk on his face. He always loved when you got like this. You were always playful and silly and told the funniest stories when drunk. Sure, they might be slightly fabricated and exaggerated, but he loved it nonetheless.

“Yeah,” you confirm with an endearing smile. “And that’s the story of why I went to the eighth grade formal without a date. I mean, it was eighth grade and almost everyone went without a date because all thirteen-year-olds are awkward and can’t ask someone out on a date for the life of them. I bet you were super smooth when it came to the girls in middle school. You still are, so it makes sense.”

He shrugs. “I can’t seem to get anyone at the moment.”

“Maybe you don’t need to look that far,” you comment before finishing your half-full glass. Tyson pays you no attention as you make your statement and proclaim you have to pee. He nods and begins to place the empty glasses in the dishwasher. “I’m just going to sleep in your guestroom,” you yell from the bathroom. Tyson chuckles at your words. He was going to offer you the guestroom, but the thought that you knew you already had a place in his apartment filled him with warmth.

“Fuck,” he yells as he throws his phone across the couch. Your phone goes to voicemail once again. He glances down at the glass in his hands. He really should switch this out for alcohol, but then again, he only loved to drink when you were around. You always made drinking at getting drunk more fun. Better yet, you made everything more fun.

The first night you spent in his apartment is a night that runs through Tyson’s head constantly. For days after that night, he couldn’t quite put a finger on why his heart was so full when he looked at you and heard your words. Tyson wasn’t sure why he was constantly thinking about you. He just couldn’t figure it out.

In the past three days, that night has been going through Tyson’s mind almost every second. Tyson was smarter than that. He should have known that your last comment was basically a confession of love. Tyson knew you—no, knows you—inside and out. He knows when your words mean everything. He knows when your words are laced with love. He should have known. It almost seems poetic that when Tyson realized that he loved you back that the first time you professed your love to Tyson was going through his head. All the signs were there.

Yes, Tyson loves you, and now there might be no chance of ever being together, but he does know that he wouldn’t change any moment of your time together. He loves you and is grateful for each memory.

There's a couple billion people in the world And a million other places we could be, but you're here with me Take a moment just to take it in 'Cause every high and every low led to this I'm just so glad you exist

Opening a drawer on his dresser, Tyson groans at the lack of clean shirts. After his pity party started almost four days ago, the piles of laundry around his room has only grown larger and larger. Despite you grooming many of Tyson’s bad habits out of him, this one habit stuck. Oftentimes, though, you were there to knock some sense into your friend and get him to do his laundry. After all, there are only so many times someone can wear a shirt that smells like a swamp and disguise the smell with deodorant or cologne.

Tyson grabs a shirt at the top of the pile and sniffs it. Nope, too smelly to wear. He throws it back onto the pile and glances down at his current wear. He guesses he could get away with wearing this shirt with a different pair of sweats to practice. It’s not like anyone would notice he’s still in his pajamas, right? If they did, it’s not like anyone would call him out on it considering his best friend left him.

Tyson throws on the shirt and groans. Before heading to practice, Tyson decides to throw his clothes into the washing machine. They won’t be dry by the time he makes it home from practice but it’s a start on having clean clothes. Once the clothes are successfully in the washing machine, Tyson hunts around for some laundry detergent. He never was good at making sure it was always stocked. He opens the door to the laundry room cupboard and smiles at the sight. Inside, Tyson finds a newly, unopened bottle of laundry detergent with a sticky note on it that has your familiar handwriting. “So you don’t have another laundry debacle,” you wrote. He laughs at the memory, but his heart feels heavy.

You always seemed to know when Tyson would need your guidance.

It was during the middle of a blizzard when Tyson realized he didn’t have any more clean clothes. He was in a debacle because he couldn’t keep wearing the same clothes. They were starting to smell really bad and were in desperate need of a washing. Lugging his laundry basket to the laundry room, Tyson wishes you were there. You always made these mundane tasks much more fun. Better yet, you made everything more fun. He knew he could always count on your to bring a smile and a helpful tip. That’s what Tyson currently missed in his life. You weren’t there to give him a wide smile and some advice. It’s only been four days, but he misses everything about you.

Once the clothes were in the washing machine, Tyson reaches for the laundry detergent. Without looking, he extends his hand to the shelf as he looks at the dials on the machine. When his hand hits an empty space where the bottle should be, Tyson glances at the shelf. He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. He glances up and down the shelf only to notice there isn’t a single bottle of his preferred detergent—the one that you use and smells like you. Tyson walks to the kitchen and looks under the sink to see if he maybe placed it there. Nope, so he walks to the bathroom and checks under that sink. Once again, not a single bottle of laundry detergent.

Out of all the possible options Tyson thinks he has, he goes and reaches for his phone. Youtube or Google must have an option, right? There has to be something online that can help with his issue. Tyson searches “how to make laundry detergent” and awaits what’s going to come up. After clicking on the first two websites, Tyson deduces that he needs salt, borax, and baking soda. Borax? What’s that? Tyson has no idea what that is nor does he own it. So, Tyson opts just to use salt and baking soda. He puts the powder into the washing machine and presses start. Hopefully, that should do the trick.

It’s not.

When the timer goes off alerting that the clothes have been fully washed, Tyson opens the door and sees the majority of his clothes are coated in a white paste. Maybe the borax was needed. Tyson’s freaking out now because all his clothes are infinitely more dirty and unwearable. He stares at the baking soda coated clothes and wonders what he needs to do. You would know what to do, so Tyson calls you.

“Is everything okay?” you ask once you pick up the phone.

“Yeah, of course,” Tyson lies. “Why do you ask?”

“Because we’re in the middle of a blizzard?” you point out.

“Oh right,” he mumbles. Now or never. “Actually, there is something wrong.”

“What?” you shriek. “Tyson, is everything okay?”

“Nothing major is wrong, but do you think you could come over?”

“Um,” you begin. As much as you wanted to go over, it was still snowing pretty bad. This was Tyson, though, and you’d drive through any weather to be there for him. “Okay, I’ll be there in like half an hour.”

“You’re a lifesaver, thank you so much.”

“Yeah, yeah, thank me once I get to your apartment safely.”

“Oh, and bring some laundry detergent, please,” Tyson adds.

“What?” You let out a breathy laugh. What could possibly be the matter if he needed laundry detergent to fix it?

“You’ll see when you get here,” Tyson says and hangs up.

You show up at Tyson’s apartment in about forty minutes. You knock on the door, and Tyson quickly opens the door and pulls you towards the laundry room. You try to make a comment about how your snow and mud-covered boots were leaving prints on his floor, but Tyson dismissed it and says there are bigger things to worry about. Okay, then.

“I made laundry detergent because I don’t have any, but it turned into this mess because I didn’t add any borax, and I don’t know what to do, but you always do, so can you please help me?” Tyson says in one breath. You stare blankly at Tyson then glance at the clothes. You stare at the clothes, and your mouth goes agape.

“Um, okay, so we should probably soak the clothes,” you say without hesitation. “We’ll want to get the baking soda paste thing off before we wash with laundry detergent. So why don’t you start moving some clothes from here to your washroom, and I’ll start running the bath with warm water.”

Tyson pulls you into a giant hug and squeezes you quickly before starting. “You’re a lifesaver, thank you so much.”

You smile and start helping Tyson clean his clothes. Oh, if only this boy could be yours forever, you know you’d be happy for all of eternity.

“I can’t believe you actually came,” Tyson remarks once you’ve finished cleaning his clothes.

You snort. “Tyson, I drove through a blizzard for you; you have to believe I’d do anything for you.”

Tyson’s face grows warm at your words, and he turns away, not meeting your eyes. Yeah, he knew that, but that doesn’t explain the warmth he feels in his chest.

He pours some laundry detergent into the spout and turns on the machine. He knows you’d do—or is it would have done?—anything for Tyson. He knew that then, so why did your words come across as a huge shock? It shouldn’t have been that shocking. Should Tyson have known that you were confessing your love for him again?

Hey, look, what a hello from a stranger turned into Caught up in a moment like it's just us in this room All the right words at the right time And you know 'em 'cause you know me better than anyone else We don't need anyone else

“What did you do to screw this up?” Kacey asks through the phone.

“What makes you think I screwed this up?” Tyson quickly defends.

She laughs. “Tyson, I know you, and I know how much of an idiot you are sometimes. I also know that she’s been in love with you for as long as you’ve been friends. You’re the sad one here, so I assume she finally said something, and you said something or didn’t say something.”

“I didn’t say something,” Tyson admits somberly.

He remembers it like it happened just a few seconds ago. One moment you were happy and smiley, and the next, you had this distraught look on your face as if you were contemplating life and death.

“Is everything okay?” Tyson asks concerned. You didn’t often get like this, and when you did, Tyson always worried.

“Um, yeah,” you say unconvincingly. You stare down at the ground and fail to meet Tyson’s eye line. You’re playing with the strings on your sweatshirt and twirling them around your finger—your tell. You only did that when you were extremely nervous about something.

Tyson places his hand on yours as a sign of comfort. “Hey,” he prods. You look up at your friend and a faint smile graces your face.”You know you can tell me anything.”

“Yeah, I know,” you murmur. Not this, though, you think to yourself. There was no way you could tell Tyson this and your friendship returns to normal. You don’t want to ruin the best friendship you’ve ever had, but you can’t keep lying to yourself about how you feel. Tyson calls your name softly, and you turn your head. Your eyes meet his, and you see the worry and anguish laced in his features. Was it worth it to let Tyson keep worrying or should you say something?

“I’m here, no matter what,” Tyson reassures. You highly doubt that considering the extremeness of what you’re feeling and thinking.

“I love you, Tys,” you admit.

He furrows his eyebrows. “Yeah, I love you, too, so that does mean you’ll tell me what’s wrong?”

You shake your head and let out a breath of disbelief. “No, Tys, I love you.”

It takes a few moments before Tyson fully comprehends what you’re trying to say. His eyes widen in realization, and he breathes out your name. His action helps you realize that he doesn’t feel the same. You nod your head and get up from the bench you’re sitting on. You don’t say anything as you walk away. Tyson continues to sit there as he tries to wrap his mind around your words.

“How many weeks ago was this?” Kacey questions once Tyson shares his side of the story.

“Two,” he mumbles.

“TYSON!” Kacey yells.

“I know, I know,” Tyson concedes. “I don’t need you scolding me. I know I messed up.”

“Look, she’s loved you for years, so I can guarantee you that if you went over and talked to her, she’d listen,” Kacey explains.

“She won’t,” Tyson contradicts. Once someone hurts you, you close them off. It would be a miracle if you haven’t already blocked his number.

“Tyson,” Kacey begins sternly, “she knows you’re an idiot, so if you start with that and explain what you feel, then maybe she’ll forgive you. Wait, what do you feel?”

“I love her, Kace,” Tyson admits. “I love her so much that it’s impossible that I never realized it—before you say I’m an idiot, I know. All I think about is her, and I did that before and after she told me.”

“You have to talk to her,” Kacey reiterates. “You can tell me, complain to me, and whine to me all you want, but I can’t do anything. This is up to you to reach out and talking to her. As long as she’s concerned, you don’t think of her as more than a friend, so she’s not going to say something.”

“But I don’t think that.”

“She doesn’t know that!”

“You’re right,” Tyson admits.

“I’m always right.”

“Oh, shut up.”

Tyson only hoped it wasn’t too late for you to forgive him.

There's a couple billion people in the world And a million other places we could be, but you're here with me Take a moment just to take it in 'Cause every high and every low led to this I'm just so glad you exist

You knock on Tyson’s door at the time he asked you to be there. When you knock five times with no response, you pull the key out of your purse and unlock the door. You weren’t sure if you could still do that, but Tyson wasn’t opening the door, and you wanted to make sure nothing was the matter. Once inside, you look around Tyson’s apartment for him. You don’t see him inside, but you recognize his familiar curls outside on the balcony. You remove your shoes and bring them to the balcony. You put them back on right before opening the door. Tyson doesn’t turn his head when the door creaks. After you close the door, you go and sit next to Tyson.

“I’m an idiot,” Tyson says after a few moments of silence. He turns his head to you and sees you still facing the skyline but with a smile on your face.

“That’s not news, Tys,” you tease.

“Look, about what happened—”

“If you’re here to let me down, don’t,” you interrupt. “I figured the lack of you reaching out was you turning me down.”

“I’m not turning you down,” Tyson contradicts. That gets you to turn your head to Tyson in disbelief. “As I said, I’m an idiot. I thought it was normal for me to wake up and the first thing I thought about was how you were. I thought it was normal for my heart to start racing whenever I saw you or you hugged me. All these feelings, I thought it was normal.”

“Because you’re an idiot,” you add-in.

Tyson chuckles. “Yes, because I’m an idiot. I love you, by the way.”

You nod and look back to the horizon. You don’t say anything for many, many agonizing seconds. Tyson is wondering if he made a mistake telling you. What if you were already over him? Finally, though, you say, “Why did it take so long to call me to clarify things?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Kace called me an idiot and talked some sense into me.”

You nod. “The ever-wise little sister.”

“Look, I know I screwed up and don’t deserve your forgiveness, but—” Tyson begins but stops as you scoot your chair closer to his. You rest your head on Tyson’s shoulder and place your hand in his.

“I forgive you. I will always forgive you because that’s what I do for the people I love. Let’s just sit here for a little bit, okay?”

Tyson swallows and nods. He places his head on yours and tightens his hand on yours. “Okay.”

Don't you ever go, don't you ever go, don't you ever go changing Never let me go, never let me go, never let me go, baby Don't you ever go, don't you ever go, don't you ever go changing Never let me go, never ever let me go, never let me go, baby