#i'm even thinking about grad school

[goodplace-janet]

big milestone - i enrolled in classes for the spring!

it's noteworthy because this is my third time attempting a first semester at college, but assuming i pass all of my current classes, this will be my first time actually continuing on to a second semester lmao

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

[almondcroissantsandink]

was absolutely stopped in my tracks and BLOWN away yesterday at work when a coworker called me pure; I literally haven't been called that in over a decade and there's always been something about it that rubs me the wrong way

[nobodysdaydreams]

Giving a complicated tragic childhood backstory to your favorite character is all fun and games, until you realize you need to account for how old all the other adult characters would have been at the time and realize that scenes that would work perfectly if one character was twenty three and the other was fourteen stop working when you need other characters who are played by adult actors clearly younger than they are to be in college at the same time so your story beats line up thematically.

[crowleyanthonys]

how my thesis work has been going today: *has one amazing thought* *writes it down* *stares blankly at the screen for a minute and gets overwhelmed* *fucks off for an hour* *rinse and repeat*

[unopenablebox]

my COMMITTEE MEETING is tomorrow and i fly out to my grandfather's funeral LITERALLY IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD and my girlfriend is in GERMANY right now so i have to make sure the whole apartment is fully cleaned & ready to potentially have all the power shut off during a heatwave for a couple of days just in case that happens & also make sure my work samples don't die and all the antibodies i ordered still get in the freezer etc while i'm gone

and because i only learned i was dealing with this yesterday morning when he, you know, died, i absolutely did not budget time for both meeting prep and other work tasks and life stuff AND a deep clean of the fridge & kitchen or whatever it is i should do, and of course i also guessed completely wrong about what my PI would want me to be doing for this talk so i still have a bunch of stupid fiddly little figure adjustments to make each of which takes me an hour due to my like, bad intrinsic nature, and also i am having trouble focusing because my GRANDFATHER IS DEAD, AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR, so i am going to be working on slides for like 28 cumulative hours and yet will have practiced this presentation zero times before giving it. so i hope they don't, you know, form any opinions about me based on it or anything

[washymylifeaway]

hi rye how have you been spending your time LET ME TELL YOU.

kavetham? haikaveh? idk idc but them..

for starters i just want to put out there that if kavetham is my sakuatsu then cynonari is the sunaosa because i love them and if the bestie agenda isn't alive between at least one pair in the four i get so sad. anyways kavetham has taken over my ao3 and it's so bad LOL. this is mostly for me because i like having consolidated lists of fics i've read to go back to but i'll be kind and give the tumblrinas (?) a little taste too. anyways list under the cut also don't follow me for genshin i'm not a genshin girlie (famous last words)

pre warning, i think it goes without saying that there's like alcohol mentioned in like almost every single fic.. kaveh is (apparently but what would i know) not the healthiest when it comes to coping habits so .. forgive him..

check the warnings and the tags before you read!

truck, barter, and trade by Seungshi03 (T) 20.7k // when i tell you if you're going to read one fic on this list it should be this one. the humor. the plot. the kid. this needs to be framed and immortalized. they're so stupid they're so silly THEY'RE SO IN LOVE

rumors, fame, and reputation by rysarium (T) 27k // THIS. READ IT PLEASE. it's so so funny and very entertaining. you go from loving them to wanting to punch them so bad to loving them again. i will say i thought it was so unfair for kaveh to get the movie wrong because technically he heard it from source so what there was an interview 1034209384 years ago let al-haitham lie in peace (ALSO CYNO IM YOUR BIGGEST FAN YOURE SO FUNNY KING SPEAK YOUR TRUTH)

The Fall, the Rise, and Everything In-between by writingrosez (T) 22.9k // i really did dread the divorce arc in this one i knew it was coming but i really was hoping it wouldn't but it happened (when i say i verbally said NO so many times while reading this LMFAO embarrassing.. i'd do it again...) also poor lumine LMFAO

if i wake up and you're still here by alcyonenight (M) 8.4k // no because why did this fic literally have me punching my screen (completely real) while i was reading it. they both are so silly and dear to me (said in tears) but i love the hanahaki trope so bad and this was *chefs kiss*

burn up, burn out by alcyonenight (T) 8.6k AND pockets full of stones by alcyonenight (T) 11.6k // ELEAZAR AU!!! baby's first eleazar fic and it ruined her. miserably. i loved both of these so much, wonderful reads truly (they both made me so sad)

get on your nerves (to get your attention) by acynthe (M) 3.9k // what better way to get to know a character than by reading him pine over one person for way too long? right? anyways this fic really set me up into understanding that haikaveh = watching ice melt in the arctic during winter..

Work engagement by gwendee (G) 3.6k // silly little boys in their silly little parties with their silly little plans.. the line that stuck with me was bringing their love to new heights because cyno was right.. it was funny..

and yet by luminvies (G) 11.8k // this fic was so poetic and eloquent to me it was a wonderful read and kaveh is so silly girlie pop in it HAHA. but really, it was a wonderful read and i loved how fleshed out kaveh felt despite this being written before he was released LMFAO

In a Language He Understands by Maeyari (G) 13.2k // this was so funny and Kaveh becoming a homewrecker is so insane whaat (totally not fake and not clickbait) that aside, it was a very light hearted read and i enjoyed it very much

what are we by lionkeychain (T) 5.1k // if i had to re route you to Kaveh being the silliest dude alive it's this one right here. i would send you here. he is so . i am so . about him. AHHHHHHHHHH. anyways, he's just a dude with a lot of love ykwim?

inertia by smallghosts (T) 3.6k // i think it's funny how al-haitham plays fetch with Kaveh in like 85% of fics (this one included) anyways the summary was so funny i just had to read it and in context it's even funnier to me. Kaveh you're so funny ily king ('being in love with you is gross.' me: HELPDKLNLEEE?GLD>SD>? literal definition of boom roasted).

first love, worst love by caniculeo (M) 11.6k // babe wake up. the circus is back in town. babe go back to sleep. the girlies broke up.. again.. anyways. had to take a laugh break when al-haitham hit on nilou. literally put my device down and had to catch my breath. then when kaveh pointed behind al-haitham. oh god. ALSO highly recommend the second fic in the series with cynonari. cyno i love u my funny king.

Burgeon by gloomyparfait (T) 8.2k // another hanahaki fic rye? really? YES. please i love irrationality. they're so chewable in this fic i love them dearly. i need to blend them. mince them up like beef tartare.

okay this is not an extensive list (def missed some good ones i've read) and i have more i want to consume (!!!) but i haven't gotten around to some of the longer ones just cause my attention span is bad these days. i'm very excited for some of my future reads and so perhaps there will be a part two because i am down in the trenches right now. regardless, i hope you enjoyed this list and now it's time for me to disappear again. bye bye

also if you've written a fic on this list and you would prefer for it to not be on this list/on tumblr, just lmk and i'd be more than happy to remove you!

[incomingalbatross]

Maybe I don't WANT to specialize in a period or culture. Maybe I want to specialize in a genre. Maybe I want to specialize in the CONCEPT of genre. Maybe I want to talk about things that can be tracked across several centuries. MAYBE.

[allyouzombies]

my sister, my parents, my friends tell me I was cheated, having to do all but my first semester of grad school during covid, and that I graduated supposedly more employable into the clusterfuck of may 2021. usually I feel resigned to it at much as anyone else does to the first few years of the pandemic. it sucked and everyone was numb.

but sometimes, like when I see happy pictures of friends and family who got their masters and phds pre-pandemic, carrying diploma covers and in the ugly robes with their most loved surrounding them in celebration, I do feel pretty fucking bitter. it does make me feel cheated that my sister and I were first generation college students, graduate students, and my sister an entire fucking doctor of her field, and we didn't get to have our families or anyone celebrate at our schools. nobody traveled out to Iowa because I told them not to, and I didn't go to my own graduation when that kind of ritual means a lot to me, and I didn't buy or rent robes or a cap or a tassel, and I didn't walk anywhere or commemorate the day. what I did was post to my instagram story once I submitted my final project, and I bought a departmental cardigan, and as a member of the LIS student org exec board, I drove all over the county delivering cardigans to others. my family and friends and J were still proud, and I was happy with myself, but yes! yes I did get cheated!

[superfluouskeys]

it's honestly just such clown behavior to fail to tell your students what you specifically want them to do, ESPECIALLY this many times. at this point I'm assuming she just likes to feel unjustifiably superior.

[averbaldumpingground]

“How come I always end up calling you when I can’t fall asleep?”

Maybe he wouldn't pick up this time, she tries to tell herself. Maybe it would just go to voicemail. And then they could pretend that she never called.

Except he wouldn't, probably. Pretend that is. But she'd hold on to her dignity, maybe enough that the next time she saw him, saw that horrible smile on his face, she could meet his eyes for long enough to get through the lecture. Get through the three hours of supervising the undergraduate lab section. Get through the door.

She doesn't want him to pick up. Not when it's two a.m. Again. Not when she's still half drunk, and she can't see the stars beyond the storm clouds on the roof that Darcy left her on somewhere between her second and fourth wine cooler.

She didn't even want to go with Darcy anyway. She's not sure why she did, but the music that she can still somewhat hear from across the quad is starting to give her a headache.

Or maybe it's the long, drawn out seconds between the first ring and the third, or now the fourth. She could just hang up. She could.

But she's not going to. Not until she gets his voicemail.

Because...

Because it's been a crappy night. Because her piece of junk computer crashed while she was mid-compiling.

Because doing her postdoc when she's barely older than most of the seniors has never endeared her to anyone, her weirdly outgoing roommate excepted.

The call connects.

"It's 2:37, Foster."

So much for the small mercies of his voicemail.

The comically put-upon sigh helps dampen the nauseous feeling in her stomach though. She's mostly pretty sure she shouldn't call him.

"The weather forecast lied."

A click. What sounds like blankets shifting.

Oh. He's never been in bed before.

"I could be on a date," he'd said, the last time that she'd called him.

"At four in the morning?"

"It could be a very good date."

She'd hung up on his obnoxious laughter.

But maybe--

Maybe--

"Foster, it's a Tuesday. Why are you drunk on a Tuesday?"

Is it? She probably knows that, but the frustration and the article edits and the lack of sleep are finally starting to catch up with her. The crappy alcohol still working its way through her system is probably not helping things either.

"Were you asleep?"

More blankets shuffling. An over-dramatic sigh.

"Some of us are covering a 9 a.m. lecture this morning, Foster." A beat. "Do you need me to get you?"

He's probably not on a date then. Not that she cares. Not that--

"--Foster? Jane?"

Oh. Had he been saying something? "Huh? What?"

"You're usually a lot more sober when you call me in the middle of the night."

"I don't call you in the middle of the night."

A laugh. The slide of a drawer being opened.

"Of course not, Foster. Where are you?"

She doesn't though. Not really. He's just an assistant professor whose lab sections she's usually stuck babysitting. And maybe she stops by his lectures sometimes. But only because the theoretical framework--

"--Jane?"

"Why are you calling me that?"

"Because it's your name, Foster. You do still remember your name?"

He sounds less asleep now, less soft. She's not sure that she likes it very much.

"Now, Jane, are you going to tell me where you are?"

Why would he--

"The roof," she tells him, almost despite herself.

"The roof. Alright. Which roof?"

She didn't bother checking when she and Darcy climbed up here. One of the residence halls. She'll figure out which one when she sobers up enough to climb down though.

"Jane?"

“How come I always end up calling you when I can’t fall asleep?”

She isn't sure she really meant to say that.

A pause.

"I do hope you aren't trying to sleep on the roof, Jane."

"You're not very good at conversation and you're pretty much always a jerk."

"...I see." She thinks there's something off about the way he says it. She doesn't think she likes the way it sounds. "Should I call campus security instead?"

"No."

"Will you at least tell me where you are, Foster? I've got 300 freshma--"

"--I like that you pick up."

She really doesn't mean to say that either.

"I--Okay?"

"Um. Yeah."

Maybe the wine coolers were an even worse idea than she'd thought. She--

"Okay."

At least he doesn't sound upset anymore. It shouldn't-- the feeling in her gut is probably from the questionable guacamole she'd had. Or those tasteless little cocktail sausage things.

"Do you want me to come get you, Jane?"

It's 3:14 a.m. He'd said he has a class.

"Why would you?"

She hears his car keys. She knows he lives a decent drive off campus.

"The same reason you called."

Edit: I wrote a follow up.

[coffeebanana]

i have such a weird difficulty balancing real life productivity and creative productivity. like when if i'm having a day where i'm getting lots of things done irl, even if i block out 30m to write and i have the time, i'll be too tired or uninspired to get myself to do it. i'm basically overwhelmed by the concept of doing Real Life Things and Writing Things in one day i almost need to carve out entire days for writing if i want to really get any done. and kjfdnkj that then keeps me from getting life things done because i get into a writing cycle and i can't get myself to stop neglecting real life until i finish the chapter/oneshot/draft/etc... i'm working on. which can take days. and then it's harder to motivate myself to get back to the Real Life Things

[pandora15]

life really is just a tug-of-war between tragedy and triumph huh

[quatregats]

Thinking about Hornblower again......

[girlscience]

making funny haha jokes to myself like "oh i'm doing so fine" *extreme side eye from the dishes in my sink*..... only to finally do my dishes tonight and discover all my tupperware have become their own microbiomes. fuck

[incomingalbatross]

Got asked to interview for the Teaching Fellowship thing! We will see how that goes but I'm glad to apparently be in the running.