#i'm not emotionally prepared at ALL for this episode i know it.

[mermaidstede]

"Stede..."

[blorbosinmyheadcentral]

Hey Val!

So (if you've seen it) what do you think of episode 2?

Here's some thoughts!

GANGLE

When will Gangle know happiness... 

KINGER

Kinger was adorable as always. I like how the others can rely on him when they're feeling emotionally vulnerable. That scene with Ragatha and her self-doubt, and how Kinger reassures her? I'm glad he has these moments of clarity. Old man even tries to help Pomni, even if he's bad at it. He's so well intentioned. <3

JAX

Jax is a terrible person. He was already very bad before, but somehow got worse. No care for his companions (Pomni and Gangle mostly), no care for the NPCs (he was very eager to see them die horribly). There's some indication Jax might have cared about Kaufmo, but overall, his attitude is so dissonant. It's hard to understand what's really going on inside his head.

RAGATHA

I like that Ragatha didn't hold any grudges over Pomni abandoning her in episode 1. Ragatha is just so sweet. Constantly worrying for Pomni's well being, being considerate enough to try to cheer up Jax of all people. She makes a huge difference in this group, like a glue that keeps everyone together.

GUMMIGOO

LOVED Gummigoo. Yeah I wasn't prepared for him. I didn't know what to expect of him (he looked like a serious bad guy type?), but what we got was so good. Loves his two gummy gator friends (wants to preserve their minds from the weight of self-awareness). His connection to Pomni, the way they could relate, it was all believable and palpable. Nice guy.

POMNI

Pomni herself was my favorite. Compassionate, empathetic, expressing her thoughts calmly and sincerely. Determined, inventive - trying to find ways to get herself and Gummigoo out of that place. 

I think the fact that she spent most of these two episodes physically separated from everyone else was no coincidence. Pomni was disconnected from them. The dream sequence at the beginning? A reflection of her own doubts and fears. That she's nothing, or that no one in the circus would care if she was gone. So she, either intentionally or by happenstance, distanced herself. 

I'm super happy that the episode ended on a hopeful note. Pomni found that her companions would care for her and remember her, and so it turned her views on her head. She's not alone. She has people that she can rely on.....

KAUFMO

(The Kaufmo funeral was very touching too, especially with Zooble organizing it. I've seen jokes that no one cared much that he died in episode 1, so seeing otherwise was pretty cool.)

FANDOM

I hold no ill will against Caine, and this is coming from someone who really really liked Gummygoo (literally screamed a big NOOO when he poofed). It's a little concerning how feral people are getting about Caine.

CAINE

Speaking of Caine, I need understanding between them, I need it SO bad. He keeps making these little decisions that impact the human characters. Especially Pomni. And he's not even aware of how much it hurts them, or that it's harmful at all!!

The way some of them are so dismissive (Zooble waiting for him to go away), annoyed, or only see Caine as a bot that fixes things when everything goes wrong... it makes me think they've tried to reason with him before, and it didn't work, so now they treat him like the machine he is to them.

As of now, Pomni understands him as much as everyone else does. She's frustrated, she's livid, and she has every reason to want to punch his teeth in. But after episode 2???? Considering how sympathetic Pomni was with Gummigoo, an NPC/AI himself???? I have a little hope that Pomni can actually get through to Caine in the future.

[blujaymi]

i have so many (very normal) thoughts about the way this episode handled the whole joel wanting tommy to take ellie to the fireflies plot

in the game, joel's feelings and internal struggle aren't explicitly told to you, just very heavily implied through little things (i.e. joel refusing the picture of sarah in the game, him saying "and you'll be doing even better with tommy", and overall just general knowledge of his character up until that point). in fact, i'd say joel attempts to hide his feelings from the player and tommy, his argument for tommy taking ellie simply being that she could be a cure. but for the purposes of moving on with the story, the implications told you all you needed to know about what the true reason was.

its implied that the reason joel wanted tommy to complete the trip with ellie is because he's scared. we assume the fact joel can't imagine not being able to protect ellie in the same way he couldn't protect sarah.

but in the show?

we get to see joel completely and utterly vulnerable for the first time. it's beautiful, and its so incredibly heartbreaking. joel tells tommy he's afraid. joel says he's too weak to protect ellie, and he's crying. after joel tells ellie about this, we are shown that he thinks of sarah. i was absolutely NOT expecting to see joel so desperate and so detailed in explaining why he wanted tommy to take ellie to the fireflies; moreover, i did not anticipate such an exploration of joel's thoughts.

but the unexpectedness is what makes it so perfect.

the level of emotion we get from joel in this scene is a testament to just how much he's grown to truly love ellie during their time together. we never see him so emotionally vulnerable until he's accepted how much he loves her. we're aware of this when playing the game, but we don't get to delve into it in such a way; it's just something that's understood.

the show doesn't stop at making us understand it. the sheer intensity of joel's feelings in the show make us as painfully aware of how terrified he is of losing ellie as joel is himself.

safe to say, i don't think i'm emotionally prepared for what's to come.

[bunnyinfoxclothing]

Obedient Exorcists Part 2

Part 1 | (you are here) | Coming soon eventually!

Vaggie is happy with who she has become. She genuinely likes the push and pull relationship that she and Charlie have. Except the extermination days still get in the way.

Old orders are hard to disregard. She sits there and pretends the sounds don't bother her. Except that's not true. They bother her. And Charlie knows they bother her. And Charlie wraps her in a blanket and holds her, whispering sweet nothings.

Charlie remembers the day she found Vaggie. And knows the trauma is still real, but Vaggie does so well, despite the trauma. She goes outside all the time. Has no issues with the location of her injury, both on her body and in the alleyway. Charlie will ask if she wants to go on a walk and Vaggie can't say yes fast enough.

Vaggie is still obedient.

And on extermination day when she is shivering in Charlie's arms. It's not fear, but in innate need, she wants to go outside. Wants to see her sisters, show she can still do her job, but Charlie says stay inside. And against her oldest orders. Against the actions ingrained into her very creation. She listens. Charlie says let me hold you. So she does. Charlie says it's going to be okay. But she doesn't believe her.

When the truth of her angelic heritage comes to pass. Charlie makes a mistake. She doesn't realize the creature of obedience and the chains that Vaggie has tied between them, born of pain and self blame. She doesn't realize that she holds the very leash that holds Vaggie down. The leash that Vaggie handed over the same day she found the moth sinner left for dead in the alley. Before any true trust could be formed.

Charlie tells Vaggie she doesn't want to see her.

It's a moment of high emotion. Charlie is crying and trying to run to their room as Vaggie struggles to explain. Stuttering over herself, looking for the right answer. The right order of things to say to Charlie. What Charlie wants her to say. Anything.

And like a switch was flipped, she just stops. She lets Charlie go. Her jaw snaps shut with an audible click at Charlie's words and she watches as Charlie escapes, not moving until the audible slam of their shared door.

Vaggie doesn't do anything. She decides she has put her emotions too far into things. Just like with the boy. She let her heart rule over her obedience and it has messed everything up. So she decides orders are the only thing that matter from here on out.

She doesn't eat until the other residents knock on her door telling her they made food.

Her door because she no longer shares on with Charlie. Her door, because she had to go to Husk to get a new room key. Her door, because after a single night, she opens the door to find Dazzle with a suitcase full of clothes and basic hygiene products.

She doesn't sleep until someone points out her eye bags. She doesn't shower until Angel practically drags her into the nearest bathroom.

Look Vagina, if you're going to go through a fuckin' depressive episode with your girlfriend, promise me you will at least shower twice a week. And I swear to fuck if at any point I can smell you, I'm grabbing the kitchen scrub and i'm going to see how long it takes to skin an angel.

Showering becomes her only constant.

Then there's the deal.

Vaggie watches as green cracks form in the walls. Her heart sinks as she watches strange sigils appear in the air. She feels Husk stiffen next to her and hears the string of curses that leave Angel's lips.

Vaggie has failed totally and completely in every way.

Every vow she had made to protect Charlie, both physically and emotionally. Everything. Her smiles. Her dreams. Their relationship. She had vowed to protect Charlie in her purest form, her soul.

Vaggie runs in. Because despite everything. Despite every vow she's made, despite what the very fibers of what her soul is made of. She still isn't good at obeying.

Charlie and her lock eyes.

She's prepared to face Alastor. Her spear is light in her hands and righteous fury burns in her chest. One more kill means nothing in that moment.

But Charlie stops her.

And the look Charlie gives her changes everything.

Charlie has always been taller than her, but Vaggie knows this is the first time Charlie has ever looked down at her. She is left rooted in place as Charlie follows after Alastor. And for once, she keeps her mouth shut as to how much she distrusts him.

___

Charlie has sent her to the angel killer. Carmilla Carmine.

Charlie has judged her. And just like Lute. Just Like Adam. Just like all of Heaven. They all agreed. Vaggie is not enough.

So Vaggie walks her death march across the pentagon. She spends her time looking back on her whole life. Every mistake she's ever made. And by the time she gets to Carmine Industries she feels calm about her own death.

She has a soft smile as she knocks on the door with all the gusto that Charlie has grown to love. Demanding an audience with Carmilla. If she is going to die, she wants to go with a smirk on her face. If she has to face judgement again, she wants to have this very same courage again. Courage to give them the middle finger and walk backwards into hell. So she could continue to serve Charlie as a sinner. So she can continue to serve Charlie in a body that is more appealing.

Except she doesn't die. And Vaggie is almost offended. Almost angry. She is beaten and knocked around and she can feel the laughter of people she can't see. People that she's not sure are even real.

She takes the bruises. And is gifted her wings. She feels the weight of them on her back and can only feel disgust. Carmilla invites her back for another lesson, whenever she is free. Vaggie accepts, though in her head, there is nowhere else she would rather not be.

With the knowledge of how to kill angels and with Carmilla filling out the paperwork for their order, Vaggie considers using the solitude to ground herself permanently.

All it would take was a quick slice and nobody would know. Charlie would never know. All she would have to do is lie to her.

Guilt twists in her heart, screaming at herself for the thought ever crossing her mind.

Carmilla's daughters and a few of their workers help to bring all of the weapons to the Hotel.

She tucks her wings as far into her back as she can, she feels a slight tension at the action. Then it feels like a pulled muscle. Then like a bone on the verge of being snapped. Then it feels all too familiar and her wings spread to a more comfortable position.

She hopes she has enough time, to get back to the hotel.

As she reaches the entrance, she knows she's not so lucky.

[kazz-brekker]

hotd episode 4 thoughts:

bro!! that was fucking BRUTAL! i've known it was coming all season but holy shit i was NOT prepared for all of that!!!

before this season started people were saying that blood and cheese was going to be this show's red wedding, but honestly i 100% think it's rook's rest, actually! do not argue with me!

okay hang on let me try to have some coherent thoughts.

as a lover of all things gothic and weird, i am absolutely loving daemon having a terrible time at harrenhal. get haunted by your past bad decisions, loser!

i've been waiting all season to see how the alyn and addam subplot will play out and i really like the choice to have rhaenys be aware of her husband's bastard children (in the book she never learned), it makes a lot of sense since she and corlys know each other really well and she's very familiar with driftmark.

also i was not emotionally ready for them to take the route of rhaenys learning hours before her death that her husband repeatedly cheated on her lol.

alicent taking the moon tea as a parallel to rhaenyra doing the same in season 1 was a bit unexpected but i actually liked it, i feel like if you're going to write a story that's supposed to be heavily inspired by medieval history then you should include how women deal with contraceptives and abortion in that world.

jace and baela trying to run the council in rhaenyra's absence…they're doing they're best! but they really are just kids and should not have to deal with all of this!

getting the sense that gwayne hightower is maybe not super down with this whole "war" thing after all.

aemond shit-talking aegon in front of the whole council and using high valyrian so they don't understand him was such a delightfully bitchy usage of the language that i actually yelled aloud.

i have not forgotten season 1…whenever alicent and larys have a scene together i live in fear.

i'm also loving alys rivers so far, she's so perfectly unsettling and i'm really pleased they let gayle rankin keep her scottish accent.

they mentioned the names of TWO of the muppet tullys! and benjicot blackwood! and the return of willem blackwood! and a laena hallucation! gosh, daemon's little harrenhal council scenes had so many delicious callbacks and namedrops this episode.

alicent snarking at aegon…oh she really is losing her patience with him and just doesn't care at all anymore.

it's so good to see rhaenyra really taking a stand and making decisions this episode, but my god the pit of my stomach really dropped when rhaenys volunteered to fly to rook's rest.

i really liked the parallel moments with aegon and rhaenys getting ready to go to war, especially how it emphasized that the targaryens see their dragons not just as weapons but as companions too.

truly did not have on my bingo card that one of the participants of the first proper dragon battle this season would be drunk.

rook's rest was just! man! it was brutal!

this show really made us wait for the first dragon versus battle dragon battle, and it really didn't let me down.

the bit where aegon realizes that he's severely outmatched by meleys…the looks on everyone's faces when vhagar arrives…the dragons just screeching and clawing at each other and laying waste the whole field below them without even meaning to…those soldiers being crushed beneath vhagar's feet without her even noticing…vhagar seizing meleys by the throat and just shaking her…the look on rhaenys's face when she's falling…the impact of sunfyre and meleys just totally crushing everything below them…it fucking slapped!!

the aftermath was just as brutal as the battle, tbh. the look on criston cole's face when he realized what he set in motion and that he maybe just killed the king…oh buddy you fucked up REAL bad.

on a better note…more harrenhal drama and jace in the riverlands next week?

[piracytheorist]

So anyway I got a digital version of The Official Anime Guide, and it's got some really nice artwork!

I especially like this one. They all look so happy!

I am particularly weak for the one on the left. It looks like they both got flowers for Yor and it's just so sweet 🥺🥺

And I like their poses in the one on the right. And some variety in expressions!

And among the character designs, showing them in different attire and from different angles, my whump-loving ass really appreciated that they had a section about Loid's bloody face from the second episode 😌😌

They know their audience 👀

I also really like how they've worked in the difference between "Twilight eyes" and "Loid eyes" in his expressions.

One day I'll make that post analyzing the times we see him with "Twilight eyes" vs with "Loid eyes" vs the few times we see his more relaxed, real expression. One day.

Near the end there were also some storyboards from a few scenes in the first cour of the first season, and also some from the first OP and ED. And this one caught my attention:

He has a quiet, reserved expression in the final product, but in the storyboard he kinda looks... sad? Like maybe it's because it's just a quick draft sketch, but that brow going upwards in the inner corner looks quite worried. Again, maybe that wasn't intentional, but I thought I could point it out, lol.

Anyway, it's got some cool designs in it, interviews with the main cast and even with Endo himself, and learning that he was left an emotional wreck after he wrote the arc that I'm waiting patiently to learn all about when the next season starts... made me realize even more that I am not emotionally prepared for it either. (Again, anime only here, so even though I've gotten some spoilers, don't spoil me further) Interesting stuff overall!

[starlost97]

— melt.

summary: After seeing how heartbroken the families of the people who work for the department get when they die, you decided to not get involved with anyone. You didn't expect, however, to have that ice wall melted away by someone — Jay Halstead — in your own unit. And when Jay got hurt in one of the cases, you couldn't help but be mad at him, and it didn't take long for him to figure out the why.

tags: fluff, personal favorite, kind of grumpy x sunshine trope, Jay Halstead is a smug bastard, gn!reader.

characters: Jay Halstead.

warnings: mention of near-death experience, swearing.

a/n: wrote this after episode 7 of the Percy Jackson series (hence the Asphodels mention) at 2AM. I was actually going to request that but I ended up wanting to write it myself! hope u like it :)

word count: 1,248.

requested?: no.

Grumpy, reserved, quiet. All words used to describe you. And they weren't really that mistaken.

There was a thick ice wall between you and the rest of the world. A wall that didn't allow you to build any deeper relationship with anyone. One that burned people with its overwhelming coldness.

A wall that you build it yourself a little over a month after entering the Chicago's Intelligence Unit. Specifically after you watched how destroyed a family felt after losing a relative who worked for the department.

You felt selfish for even thinking of getting emotionally involved with someone. What if something happened to you? To them? You would never forgive yourself. You'd be rooted in the Asphodels Meadows — trapped with your own regret for all eternity — if anything ever happened because of you.

Everything was going well with it. You weren't that happy, but you were happier than you would be if you carried all the guilt of putting a loved one in danger.

But you never could prepare yourself to the warmth of Jay Halstead.

How cheeky of you to fall in love with a sweet smile. But it was true. You felt pathetically helpless any time he laughed at your jokes and showed you his teeth.

It was bittersweet. His laugh sounded like heaven and it made your life a living hell. How could you not be selfish? How could you think of being a good person when he was so close to you?

You tried to rationalized it. Tried to think that he wasn't that good. That perfect. That it was just your love-starved brain romanticizing him to tempt you.

Which lead you to the mistake of getting to know him.

Everything got worse.

The attempt of hating his flaws turned out to realizing that his loyalty was too much for his own good. He would mindlessly die for you, without a second thought or regret. How intoxicating.

He was like a honey-flavored poison. The sweetest way to lose yourself forever.

And unfortunately, you tasted him. Not only that, but it was never enough. You couldn't get enough of him. He became everything.

So when he almost died during one of the cases because he risked himself a little too much to get information, you were mad.

"Will you tell me why you're not talking to me?" He asked you, leaning over your desk and tilting his head, letting out a sigh. "Come on, I could've died and you won't even talk to me?"

"It's exactly because of that." You murmured, annoyed, not looking at him.

"What? I didn't hear you." Jay said, getting closer.

"It's because of that!" You said, now louder. You two were alone in the office. You were finishing up some papers while Jay — who couldn't for the life of him be separated from you for more than a couple hours — made you company.

"You're not talking to me because I risked myself?" Jay asked, confused, watching as you got up from the chair and went to the break room.

"I'm not talking to you because you're irresponsible!" You answered, finally looking at him in the eyes. Your bodies facing one another.

"I did it for the case! We needed the info!" Jay argued and you groaned, massaging your temples.

"Oh, my God, you really don't understand, do you?" You brushed your hands against your face, trying to calm yourself down.

"No, I don't. You do things like that all the time, and usually is worse. But when I do it, I'm irresponsible?" He asked, frowning.

He looked at you, trying to understand what was wrong. You weren't like this. You didn't fight with people unless their actions harm the case. So what was happening?

It was when the realization hit.

You were worried.

"Detective," He called, flashing you that damned smile that you so desired to kiss. "are you mad because I could've died?"

"Wha- What? No!" You mumbled, taking a step back as he approached you.

"Oh, yeah?" He mumbles, smiling smugly at you. "Are you sure of that?" He asks, getting closer and closer.

"Y-Yes, I am! If you died, it would've been a loss for the team and all the time and money that they invested on you would go to waste and-" You gulped, feeling the cold wall against your back and watching as he trapped you, putting his arms on each side of your face. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you looking at me like that?" You said, nervously pushing his chest, but not really wanting him to leave.

"Like what?"

"Like that! Staring at my lips! Stop it!"

"Or what?" He asked, smugly.

Your breath got stuck in your throat, and as the seconds went by, he got closer. His forehead was soon touching yours, and his smile only grew bigger.

"Looks just like a dream I had." He said, putting his hand on your chin. "It ended very well. "

You didn't answer right away, trying to process your thoughts. You wanted to give a good answer, something that would make him go away — even though you didn't really want that —, but a wave of curiosity hit you with the revelation that he dreamt of you.

"How so?" Your voice was almost inaudible.

"I got to do more than just kiss you." He whispered, as if telling a secret. "But I think that just being able to kiss you would already make me the luckiest man on earth."

Your gaze fell to his lips, and just the thought of kissing them got you nervous. Your heartbeat rapidly beating against your chest, and for a moment he thought that he could feel it too.

But it was actually his own.

"Please," He asked. It could be mistaken for a beg, but the smug look on his face said otherwise. "detective."

"I thought…" You were breathless. Your nervousness didn't let you speak properly, but still, for some reason, you knew exactly what to say.

"Say it."

"I thought you were a man of action," You breathed out. "detective."

He smiled.

His hands — painfully — slowly went to the nape of your neck, holding it as he pressed his lips against yours, devouring it slowly, torturing you with it.

The kiss was the epitome of breathtaking. His lips moved slow and tenderly against yours, savouring you like it was his last meal.

He could live the rest of his life devoting himself to kissing you. How could it taste so sweet?

Jay wasn't much of a religious man, and he was even farther of believing in Greek gods. But as he felt your body against his and your sweet kiss on his lips, he was sure that you must be Aphrodite's work.

Masterpiece, actually.

His hands traveled around your body, feeling your curves, trying to memorize it so he didn't feel so sad when they weren't against his fingertips — even though that he knew it would be his life's biggest torment.

And he got a taste of it when he had to part himself from your lips.

"What were you saying, baby?" He asked, with a smug smile on his face.

"Fuck you, Jay Halstead." You said before kissing him again, feeling his smile melt against your mouth as your fingers intertwined his hair.

"You wish." He mumbled against your lips, lifting you up by your thighs and wrapping them around his waist.

Jay warmth was definitely more than enough to melt the ice wall away.

[rkoradiopictures]

Blitz moments I'm thinking about after Full Moon

Him saying they haven't been having their meetings for a couple months because HE'S been busy, not because Stolas has been flaking out on them. Protecting himself from the idea that he may have been rejected. Convincing himself he's in complete control

Blitz has the crystal. He knows what it does. His business is fine. But once Stolas says Blitz doesn't have to see him anymore, he's shocked and says he can "do better" for him. Stolas gave him an out, gave him his freedom, but he doesn't want to be let go. He's scared to lose their arrangement. Likely because it's a way to have a relationship but still keep Stolas at a safe distance

Blitz saying "I'll stay with you Stolas! I love you so much" like it's a joke 😬 Because he thinks it must be roleplay. Even him saying "Never done this one before but I can get into it" ugh

Blitz following Stolas through the house to continue their conversation. Honestly love to see it after him running away from their hard conversation before in Ozzie's. Him violently kicking open the doors in the echoey hall. His angry outburst vs Stolas quietly taking it. Partly a difference in their personalities, partly because Stolas has had months to prepare for this conversation while Blitz just had this sprung on him and doesn't have time to process

Blitz not hiding his tears from Stolas like he tried to do after Ozzie's. He's letting it all out there this time

Blitz emotionally yelling at Stolas. Finally acknowledging what's been bothering him. Saying he won't let Stolas dismiss him. Yelling "Let's go!" as if daring Stolas to yell back, fight back. That's what Blitz is used to after all. But Stolas doesn't do that. He cries which Blitz did NOT prepare for. And we saw that he felt bad and wanted to apologize before Stolas portaled him out. Stolas can argue we know that but he's not really the type of character to engage in a screaming match. Blitz felt like he could handle anger and fighting, but Stolas's sincerity and hurt threw him for a loop

Brandon and Bryce's voice acting MY GOD. That whole exchange between them was so raw. Brandon embodied the hurt rage, Bryce embodied the defeat and sensitivity.

Blitz trying extra hard this episode (dressing up, buying toys, desperately hoping Stolas isn't bored of him). At first that can read as him only being afraid of losing the grimoire and therefore his business. But his reaction to the crystal vs his reaction to Stolas saying they don't need to see each other anymore showed that Blitz is invested in Stolas more than the book

Personally the buildup part of this ep didn't feel very strong to me. But from minute 17 onward I was locked in. When the drama and characterization is good, it's very good! And that's what I love about Helluva Boss. I rewatched that argument several times

[tragicclownwrites]

Why the ending of "Sponge-Cano!" was great SquidBob fodder

Hello! I'm back with an analysis post as I came across something recently and wanted to share some thoughts.

I'm likely late to the game here, but I saw an old post in which the author (a fellow SquidBobber) was upset by the ending of "Sponge-Cano!" and I just have to say... huh!?

Were we watching the same episode? 🤨

Needless to say, I was thoroughly perplexed by this reaction because I personally read into it much differently. Then again, I am a clown.

Therefore - in the spirit of friendly fandom discourse - I wanted to provide another perspective on this episode. Absolutely no shade to the OP either - people are allowed to have differing opinions, after all.

If you're with me, let's clown around below the cut!

The lie that started it all

Before we dive in any further, let's take a look at the scene that started this whole conversation.

Essentially, after Squidward's heartfelt confession to SpongeBob, while he's hanging on for dear life over a boiling volcano...

Squidward: "Please SpongeBob, I didn't mean any of that! I do appreciate your friendship. I am grateful. I'm… I'm… I'm grateful for the life I'm living! Who knows how long I'll have it? I learned that from you, remember?"

He says this after being rescued by his true love SpongeBob:

Squidward: "You know SpongeBob, in light of everything that just happened... I lied to you. I am not grateful for anything! I mean look at me. I don't even have a roof to sleep under, anymore!"

Now, this is the moment that had the OP so heated about this episode. After everything he said, after SpongeBob saved his life, he just... lied?

Weeeell, not exactly.

The truth always reveals itself

Now, for my hot take... I don't think Squidward was lying at all when he said he was grateful for SpongeBob.

Before you immediately decide that I've completely out-clowned myself this time, just hear me out!

There are a few reasons Squidward may have reacted the way he did in the aftermath of the volcano debacle.

He's Squidward

Our man's just lost his whole fucking house for the billionth time

The reality of what he just said is slowly catching up with him

He's Squidward

Unlike his more chipper counterpart, the guy doesn't exactly wear his heart on his sleeve and has been shown to struggle with vulnerability and admitting failure. I mean, he can barely manage to apologize for his less savory actions without choking and sputtering like a fool!

However, when his life was on the line in this scene, he was vulnerable in more ways than one. Physically, he was quite literally dangling over an active volcano - you can't get more vulnerable than that! Emotionally, he bore his soul to SpongeBob because he thought he was going to die and wouldn't have another chance to say any of that again. Keep in mind, he truly believed he wouldn't live to see SpongeBob ever again.

I've mentioned this in my Reigisa x SquidBob masterpost, but there have been several other instances where - particularly, in a dire situation - Squidward will openly admit that he has always liked/cared for SpongeBob. And similarly, he's also tried to take it back or act like he didn't mean it when everything turns out okay or if other people aside from SpongeBob hear his confession.

So, as much as he "hates" SpongeBob and can't stand him, when it really counts, the truth always reveals itself.

Is it possible that he was just trying to play at SpongeBob's heartstrings to save his own ass? Perhaps.

But then, he accepts his fate. He loses his grip, giving everyone a tearful farewell. That is, until his little yellow angel comes to his rescue.

SpongeBob: "Squidward, I always knew you felt that way. Aw, buddy. Thanks for finally opening up to us."

⬆️Just look at the pure love in his eyes! (*Patrick voice*: LOOK AT IT!) The sappy sponge was even prepared to sacrifice himself for him. 🥺

While there was absolutely no way SpongeBob would actually let Squidward perish - promises be damned - it wasn't until Squidward poured his heart out, putting his true feelings towards SpongeBob out in the open, that he was saved from certain death.

You know how they say, "the truth will set you free"? No kidding!

As for why SpongeBob was completely fine with Squidward's lie after the fact (another point of contention for OP), well... he loves him. Period. And I think, despite his emotional constipation and frequent annoyance with the sponge in question, it's pretty clear Squidward loves him, too.

Therefore, SpongeBob wasn't upset by Squidward's outburst here because, as naïve as he may be, I don't think that fact is lost on him either.

In conclusion...

I think it's safe to say that "Sponge-Cano!" was a pretty great episode to add to the ever-growing SquidBob pile.

And if you thought the scene I talked about above was the last of it, ohohoho~ 🤭😏

You. Just. Wait.

At the very end of the episode, after Squidward loses his home and complains that he no longer has "a roof to sleep under anymore," SpongeBob does what SpongeBob does best: he offers to help him out.

Even after Squidward's selfish actions in "Can You Spare a Dime?" (which had some great fodder as well, such as *ahem* Squidward making SpongeBob wear a sexy maid outfit), SpongeBob still lets him stay at his house for an indefinite amount of time. Continuity? I don't know her.

To which, this gets even better.

Squidward doesn't refuse and find somewhere else to crash. After all, wasn't SpongeBob the reason he was miserable enough to be sacrificed in the first place? Why would he subject himself to even more SpongeBob, if that were the case?

At SpongeBob's house, he doesn't sleep on the couch or in a spare room. He doesn't even take SpongeBob's bed for himself while SpongeBob sleeps elsewhere - just like he did in "Can You Spare a Dime?"

NO.

The two of them share SpongeBob's bed. As in, they sleep in the same bed together.

Are these two fucking serious!?

They totally cuddled. Maybe even kissed.

All that to say, as much as Squidward whines and gripes about how much SpongeBob makes him miserable, it's clear to see that - even in the face of life-threatening adversity - SpongeBob's presence in his life is the key to his happiness. In this case, the key to his survival as well.

Now, if only our favorite grumpy octopus would take that spongey key, embracing him fully, to unlock that door... 🌈

[tategaminu]

SOOO the title for 05X6 dropped and I'm going feral

Be prepared to hear my long ass theory about this episode and why it will be the rayllum fully gets back together episode (I'm annoying)

Of course we already know season 6 will mirror S3 or at least that's what it looks like. "Moonless Night" is episode 5‚ the same one when Callum and Rayla first got together‚ just as 4 had the title of the place they reach. (The Midnight Desert‚ The Starcrapper)

I have to add‚ just as season 3 had Nyx‚ there's this sky girl called Astrid who may act as the Nyx parallel‚ who knows.

I don't use Discord but my info provider (hello there) told me Devon said episode five would be emotionally heavy and a favourite. A person said ep2 of season 5 were their favourite because the cute rayllum moments and Devon said "until 5 of 6" 🧐

Aparently, it was confirmed by writers this episode would DESTROY people KILL EVEN, well maybe not that but you get me. We know how emotional these two blorbos are for each other right? and we for them. In Discord, a person said ep2 of season 5 were their favourite because the cute rayllum moments and Devon said "until 5 of 6" 🧐

Now let's go to the juicy part. The title. This title is absolutely loaded. like wth. We all know whose favourite girl is related to the moon right? of course we are worried. But I think she's gonna be ok, in the end at least, let me explain.

Of course I'm asuming this scene from the teaser may be from episode 5. We see Callum falling in a moonless night but I'm guessing the title isn't that literal. I think Callum is falling emotionally and literally just as he has before for Rayla. He fell in love with her‚ he fell off a cliff for her and then fell emotionally when she left. The sky he is in is dark‚ no moon‚ representing his own mental state without Rayla. Rayla left him at night just as Callum is falling in the night (omg)

Callum had a moonless night every day for two years because his guiding moon wasn't in his life. I think they may talk about it or it will affect Callum in this episode some way.

Note that the teaser opens with this scene, next we have Aaravos saying "we are all of us, stardust, held together by love for an instant"

(wow subtle foreshadowing you guys)

and the teaser ends with Callum losing his love wings. The wings he got for her. Basically opening with a rayllum scene and closing with a "rayllum" scene ya know

In Chasing Shadows Rayla specifically mentions the stars in his eyes‚ when he does the big speech:

Now‚ what do I think will happen?

EP3: They visit the Silvergroove? just like in ep 3x3. Maybe visit Ethari? "heeey your husband is alive ok bye". My own guess is that they will get the boat from the leaked scene there since there are moon animals in that thing and reach the frozen ship with that.

Ep4: they reach destination and meet the sky elves, Astrid included, with no hiccups. ba dum tss

Ep5: Basically 05x3 but different and sexier

Whatever Callum is about to do I highly doubt Rayla will agree with it because you know how they are (me getting hurt is ok but not you). He convinces her like he did in TTM‚

But this time Rayla is the one to say it

I think that even if Callum promises he will be ok‚ he will have a "I want you to know" moment again and that may lead to talking about her leaving. This may derive into a kinda argument. Callum and Rayla can't continue their talk because they get interrumped (once again) but the memories of a broken heart and feelings affects him badly. He's just emotionally distraught and loses his love wings because whatever. I doubt Rayla isn't seeing any of this, you know how she is. She didn't spend 7 hours watching him sleep to actually not watch this like c'mon

This time Rayla may be the one saving Callum from falling (literally and metaphorically). Now yeah Rayla can't fly but maybeeee

A: she calls out for his name, "waking" him up

B: she just jumps (im going for this one) like Callum did for her. She jumps, not knowing if it's going to work, wakes him up after catching him‚ Callum is able to get his wings back and fly them both into safety, Callum gets his love wings again for her but this time she's being the savior (in the most part). Maybe even completing whatever mission they ask as well. TOGETHER.

After this we may get a Rayla is a hero speech or this time Callum is a hero speech, I don't know‚ I think it would be more fitting if it's from Callum and the hero Callum speech is from Rayla to her parents. Whateve, they finally have their three sesaon dragged conversation and they both kiss like in S3 but maybe reversed this time (Rayla kissing first and apologizing and Callum kissing her next) and they fully come back together :'). I dont think we will get an I love you until ep 9 but we won't really need it here right? we already know!

The episode ends with them kissing under the moon. Moonless Night ending with with a moon night (metaforically and literally)

Now‚ this is just my own guess and it sounds very very self-indulgent (heh) but a girl can dream

[muchanmocha]

Round 7 (and beyond)

I never intended on releasing a prediction post bc Team Vivinos is capable of excellent plot twists and there wasn't enough to go on imo to really have any solid guesses. But the recently released teaser gave me enough confidence in my current theories to put this out there. (Apologies if it's incoherent bc I'm basically just reposting a discord spiel I gave to an unfortunate friend a while ago lol.)

In sum:

Luka will be the winner of season 50 but Till won't die.

Bonus half-crack prediction:

Luka will win against Till, but Till won't die and Hyuna crashes the party to win season 50.

I can't recall the source but I believe Team Vivinos has mentioned that we're entering the main plot/part 2 of the story. Everything in this post is formulated based on this premise.

The artbook synopsis also seems to back up the claim that a bigger plot is coming.

Luka wins

Fairly sure Luka will win because that's his role. He is the epitome of this system. He is the symbol of Alien Stage. He cannot fall this easily.

Him maintaining his position at the top means he and the segyein enter part 2 with a strong presence.

Alien Stage may be fractured — 2 current participants have escaped to the rebels alive — but the system is still standing. It's scandalous, sure, but they have a winner and they will eventually go on to have Season 51.

Till survives

Till won't die because that's just weak sauce writing, plot, and character and we know Team Vivinos isn't capable of weak sauce writing, plot, and character.

Fact of the matter is, if Till dies in the next round he and his personal story will forever be overshadowed by Ivan's.

The climax of Round 6, Ivan's narrative and ending, it was executed so goddamn well. It was compelling. It was incredible. We are still not over it. And so—

There is nothing Till can do in the space of one episode ending in his death that can overpower Ivan's momentum from the previous episode. (Ofc everything in this series was somehow packed into 4 minute spurts that leave us emotionally wrecked so I am fully prepared to eat my words)

If Till dies here, regardless of what he does on stage before it happens, Till will be reduced to "the character who dies of guilt and regret after being the subject of someone else's obsessive love and sacrifice." He'll end up a passive player in his own story.

But if Till survives:

Till from here on out

Imo it would be FAR more interesting to see where his feelings and relationship with Mizi develops and shifts from here because Ivan has effectively tainted his idea of love.

Why do I say this?

Well Till's love for Mizi is... very innocent, very pure, very "first love"y. It's all things naive and fantastical and shoujo manga heart-shaped bubbles.

Meanwhile Ivan's love for Till is dark and gritty. It's obsessive. It's all things murky and ugly (I mean it in the best of ways don't come at me with your pitchforks) — the complete opposite of Till's impression of love.

Which makes it all the more impactful when Ivan forces Till to come face to face (literally) with that deep, obssessive love in Round 6 with his last moments.

After this incredibly traumatic eye-opener — an intimate, violent look into a different kind of love — I don't think Till can look at Mizi the same way again. (No not because he does or should be obligated to return Ivan's feelings, and that's a hill I'll die on regardless of pitchforks. If Till develops feelings for Ivan it should be on his own terms. If Till falls out of love with Mizi that should also be on his own terms.)

Hyuna wins Season 50 (jk)

Look it'll be funny.

Luka facing off against Till and then Hyuna crash the party, stomps him (vocally), effectively wins Season 50, and then yeets with Till and Mizi — one over each shoulder, hauled like sandbags.

(In all seriousness tho, not a very high chance of happening. They clearly have a lot of issues to sort out that'll prob happen later in part 2.)

"Never come back again"

The whole reason why this post is up. The caption for the new promo art gives me more confidence in the theory that everyone leaves except Luka.

'Never come back again.' I feel like there's a good chance this is Luka saying or thinking this to Hyuna (and co). If indeed it is, there's a lot to unpack there.

Tl;dr

Hyuna and Mizi busts Till outta there, Luka is left utterly alone seated on the throne again, Sua and Ivan eventually come back wrong to wreck emotional havoc as zombie androids

[let-us-cultivate-our-garden]

I always thought it was strange that Philip donated his diary to the library. The book literally contains information on how to create a portal.Luz was only able to create a defective portal, but still a portal, imagine what would have happened if it had fallen into the hands of a very intelligent witch. That would have complicated his plans even more. I know that the book was stored in the Forbidden Stacks with other forgotten books and that the chances of someone getting the book were very low. But the risk was still very high, and we're talking about the super genius who discovered quantum mechanics in the 1700s.

Philip Fucking Wittebane: I'm going to donate my diary with important information on how to create a portal and I mentioned the existence of an unknown entity to a bookstore that is run by the vile creature that I hate so much for no apparent reason! It's not like there are intelligent witches who can steal your life's work to cause trouble!

I understand that Luz needs the diary to advance the plot, but a puritan witch hunter donating a book with important information to a library with beings he hates for unknown reasons is very difficult to digest.

The only theory I've heard that could explain this is the Stable Time Loop one: Philip needs Luz and Lilith to go back in time to look for him and help him get the Collector disc. This means that in Elsewhere and Elsewhen, he realizes that the Crab Maiden and Aunt Gertrude are actually time travelers who used his diary, they help him obtain the disc, so to ensure that the duo arrive in the first place, Philip has to leave his diary in a public yet secure setting, hence the library.

It is a risky move, especially since at any point in time it could've been lost, stolen, or as you said, used to build a different portal. And as we saw in the show, the echo mouse ate a good chunk of it. Fortunately, it was an echo mouse and not some other critter. But I guess that was a risk Philip knew he had to take.

My problem is that the narrative ties in ALL of Luz's season 3 arc to this one episode and how she feels guilty about it when she really shouldn't. Within the episode itself, Lilith did most of the work by solving the puzzle, Luz was just bait. Philip had been working on getting the Collector disc for probably months and he even had a complex teleportation glyph to get to the Titan skull. This guy was prepared, he just needed people gullible yet smart enough to help him. If it weren't for Luz and Lilith, then someone else would've been the sacrifice. The Collector disc would still be found. He already found 3 of the 4 glyphs (which apparently, Titan magic is incredibly rare and difficult to see!), so Luz showing him the light glyph doesn't really have any long term effects.

The same is true for her "helping" find the Collector. It was bound to happen eventually because the narrative ties everything evil back to Belos while the other characters are mere victims of him. All she did was save him time and effort and frankly, that's not enough to justify 3 long episodes of wangsting. All it is is a convoluted way to make the hero "help" the villain while still making them the purest example of victimhood possible.

Lastly, the narrative NEVER brings up Lilith's involvement; there's never a moment that the two realize that they were played and how terrible they would feel that they played a part in the Collector's destruction (only for Eda to conk their heads together, tell them to stop moping, and take this Collector kid down).

It's all about how Luz feels and then is given 4 different conclusions that she apparently doesn't learn from: Hunter tells her it's not her fault because Belos always uses people (the fact that the boy who was just possessed and had his best friend killed has to emotionally support her is sickening to me), her mom tells her it's okay to make mistakes and that she made a mistake in not allowing Luz to be who she was, (to which she responds that all she wanted was to be understood. Not sure how that connects to her guilt but whatever), Luz thinks her friends secretly hate her for helping Belos so she might as well be him (but then she snaps out of this when Puppet Amity misquotes Azura.........ok then), and finally, Papa Titan validates her by calling her a Good Witch and that Belos is just a big ol' meanie.

This isn't an arc, this is a series of characters coddling her but she doesn't take any of their words to heart until God herself intervenes. There's this huge imbalance between what the character did and how they react to it and the narrative wastes so much time on an arc that just makes Luz feel selfish and just serves to demonstrate how little she's grown as a character.

[dropthedemiurge]

Love for Love's Sake final episode BTS were released, and I really don't want to let this story go x) But I loved watching cast play around and tease each other. And in this particular video, everyone went really heavily on flirteasing and especially... on joking about Myungha's drowning scene x))

(tw suicide for following translations)

We saw on IG that Joowan (Yeowoon) and Minsoo (Sangwon) were playing and throwing flip stones on a beach. While fans joked Taevin (Myungha) would get jealous, he actually was watching them from behind xD He was preparing for diving, and those two played around.

PD: It's the day of Myungha submerging, any words? J,M: *said they were gonna go home but since they were worried for him so they stayed.* PD: But I saw you having a lot of fun throwing stones right now? J: Well, if the atmosphere is happy and playful, Myungha will have a hard time dying:D

Then they came back to Taevin.

T: You two are having so much fun playing with stones... M: We laid down stones so you would die a little bit later~^^ J: It's too sad I really won't be able to live! Т__Т

And then Myungha went into the water, and after the first take everyone shouted that it was perfect (for real! it looked so good! woah!) I think it means they got this long difficult and emotionally heavy shot on their first try? Taevin, you should really keep being an actor!

Taevin arrived to the underwater filming set.

T: It looks fun! Woah, it's deeper than I thought so I'm a bit nervous. Today is the day when Myungha dies... I'll do my best dying!^^ (/I'll be diligently dying!)

After practicing swimming, rehearsing and dressing up:

PD: Say something before you go? T: Let's die well! Fighting! (i can't with his excitement for emotional scenes lmao)

My comments: Woah, Taevin actually is such a pro at swimming! Especially lowering yourself in the water, I wonder if the water for such shoots have some special addition to make sinking easier.

Anyway, there were cute scenes as well and I'm annoyed I can't understand 100% Korean because it's too noisy or quiet and I wish I knew what their banter was about. But Taevin just casually joking and then easily crushing his suicide scenes while the viewers were all emotionally suffering for days... I can't with him xD

Btw, guys, I also started writing notes while I was watching their livestreams, does anyone need brief translation summaries of LFLS lives? There are edited videos on youtube that put together well the funniest moments so idk whether anyone needs other casual comments but I have them partially in my drafts. But it'll take a lot of effort to finish %)

Or let me know if you want me to translate some other moment from BTS (I'm not really good with translating by ear yet but I can try my best, at least these videos have Korean subtitles xD)

[magicaldragons]

'in the name of pain and outrage'

an analysis of the ending

I say this with utmost love, but episode 16 was a shitshow.

i walked into this show accepting it at face value – a show that would take itself lightly, with a compelling subplot marinated in humor, and a dose of sweet romance.

this show tried to include very mature, sobering themes with slapstick humor, which is definitely possible if balanced properly, but i feel this show was not able to achieve this the way do bong soon or others could.

to get some of the discrepancies out of the way:

they never told us that the women's senses were connected, geum joo should not have been able to feel namsoon's thirst – that's something they abruptly added to fuel the tension of the situation.

there is absolutely no reason nam soon would react like that to the drug, when you compare it to how every other user was affected by it.

the strength exerted by gil-joongan did not feel like enough to knock her out like that

and with how easy it would've been to leave the situation, it's very obvious that nam soon taking the drug was an ill-planned way to raise the stakes and increase suspense

the homeless couple truly had nothing of value to add to the show or it's message

none of the show's themes or messages were delivered properly towards the end, and it went against everything it preached.

the immediate tone change after ryu si-o's death did not do any justice to the effort put into his characterization

i do not understand how nam soon became a cop, all technicalities considered

why was she throwing humans out a window from the second floor, even if they're criminals??

they REALLY cheapened the whole marriage conversation by bringing money, property, and heirs into it. that was NOT romantic or wholesome. hee-sik deserves better parents, tf.

side note: i'm pretty disappointed with namsoon's character arc, but lee yoo mi worked within the purview of the script to give us honestly wonderful acting, especially in episode 15.

now, to get into the ending, i'll start with this:

what we got, felt like an empty victory. hollow and out of place.

i've always been an advocate for all parts of a show coming together to create an experience – there's usually no single keystone.

but as soon as si-o died, the rest of the episode felt like a blur, with all loose ends being succinctly wrapped up and prepared for season three. byeon woo seok, and his characterization really carried the show as a unit, and added to its cohesiveness. i did not find myself rooting for geum joo and nam soon's successes afterwards

because they had failed the ONE thing most of us had been hoping for them to do:

to save people who were victims of oppression from those with the power of money, and empower them, including to save si-o from his oppressors, and help him take down pavel.

there is no satisfaction in geum joo doing it by herself, because she has no emotional investment in destroying pavel.

losing hwaja and si-o, watching namsoon & heesik become one dimensional all of a sudden, and seeing tertiary unrelated characters having their loose ends tied, is extremely unsatisfactory – for a show that had an incredible cast and so much potential.

at the same time: i loved the portreyal of gil joongan's mission to help the elderly and her enthusiasm for her future, and the addition of binbin + looking into their past from an additional angle also really elevated the emotional context of si-o's character arc.

i loved each character, truly, and to not see the plot and writers give them the detail and care they deserve, is wholly disappointing.

the show took me on a whole journey, emotionally,,,but to know exactly what would make it better, and be aware of its discrepancies makes me grieve the potential it had to truly leave an impact on its viewers, with a solid takeaway message.

[momma-pixel]

A Journey Can't Begin Until You Take The First Step, And Then There's No Telling What Will Happen.

[Content Warning: A single mention of drugs, alcohol, suicide. Lots of discussion about depression and mental illness.] This is my 3rd attempt at transitioning and I swear to whatever high atop the thing if this attempt fails I'm gonna absolutely lose my shit. I didn't know it at the time but the route I took from there to here would be wrought with chaos and pain.

My first attempt was an abject failure. Back then we had to follow the Harry Benjamin Standards and go through a Real Life Test in order to start hormone therapy. Unless you were really lucky or had sympathetic doctors you had to deal with the Gatekeepers who wanted receipts, and living in the deep south at the time made this all even worse. This would lead to my final attempt at shedding my mortal coil and boxing her up in the deepest corner of my mental closet.

This is where I danced a downward spiral and gave absolutely no fucks. Drugs and alcohol. A long path of broken hearts from relationships I kept sabotaging. Excessive eating. A day that ended in -y meant the plan was the same - lets make some bad decisions and self-destruct. I was damaging myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and I didn't care. I wasn't looking to the future because I didn't plan on having one, I didn't look to the past either because it only led to blaming myself even more. I looked at the here and now simultaneously damaging myself and doing damage control. It was exhausting!

I had a fight with myself that sort of stopped this. I was in the midst of a manic episode and just riding its wake, coming up on day 3 of no sleep and was working on getting pretty well sloshed. I was alone and just pacing around my house in the dark saying some very awful things to myself and then it happened - I saw my reflection in the mirror and absolutely loathed it! I wanted to recoil from it but instead I got angry. Really angry. Hulk angry. What commenced was a rage-fueled screaming match with myself of hurricane proportions. I can't tell you exactly what was said nor how long it lasted for, but I seems I managed to sleep as when I came to again I was in bed. The brain fog was heavy and deep which was normal, but I would eventually notice a note I wrote myself on my hand that said "I forgive you". I remembered, sort of. The memories were (and still are) hazy, but I remembered just enough to be numb. This was an absolute vast improvement that can't be understated. Its like being negative 5million and suddenly being at 0.

Reconstruction takes time. Current damage has to be assessed and additional damage mitigated. I'd gained a ton of weight, had either burned down or set fire to numerous social bridges, and had a few new health issues that needed to be repaired. A few years later I eventually considered the repair project complete and I was very much a blank slate. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted - it was a pure existential crisis. It made perfect sense at the time and hindsight (and my therapist) says it was absolutely the wrong thing to do, but I said fuck it and built a new me. I frankensteined a new person and would proceed to alter and replace pieces as needed. Write this down kids, this is called an unhealthy coping mechanism.

This invariably leads to the second attempt at transitioning. New me found themself in a new state with new friends, a new path in life, and a new opportunity. Planned Parenthood was now offering transitioning services! No gatekeeping. They said "you know you better than we ever could, as long as you know the risks and are prepared for the changes we can help". This was a warp speed steamroller event. I dug deep into that closet and pulled that box out, letting her out and unabashedly parading her around. Got my hormones, got new clothes, got my own place, and had all the amazing safe and consensual sex I could (sane was not welcome, because this girl had time to make up for!). It was intoxicating! Living, working, shopping, dating as the true me. In this whirlwind I lost friends and family but didn't realize it. I created a hollow existence that had no actual meaning or substance. Sure, my body was starting to look the way I always wanted it to, I was living the life she always wanted to, and there was no one there to stop me.

So that's the thing - there was no one there. It was chistmas day and I was sitting alone in my apartment eating ramen and cold pizza. No text messages or calls, no visitors or invites. The only gift I received that day was from myself, an epiphany. I had once again blown up my life. You see, when you take something out of storage and intend to use it you need to make sure it's still fit for function. She wasn't. She was a battered and bruised beast from a much earlier part of my life that I just kept feeding and had lost control. I had such terrible tunnel vision that I mistook the light of an oncoming freight train for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I detransitioned. I guess you could say I also detoxed. But this time I did not do it alone, I had a good therapist and a good friend that moved in with me. We examined the deepest parts of me, of her, of I. It was tough. The toughest and hardest thing I ever had to do, but it HAD to be done. This civilization I had built was done on the rubble and ruined remains of the last one, which makes for a very poor foundation. It was doomed to fail. My friend sort of acted like a sponsor. She was there to help guide me and make sure I didn't relapse. She helped me sell or give away what I had to, and by the end I had a clean and empty plot of land. Maybe something would grow there, or maybe something would be built there. But no matter what happened, I had to stay vigilant. I had to protect this land because this land was me. I was the sole resident, caretaker, gardener, builder, guardian.

My wife is my world. She knows my entire history, the battles and wars I've fought, the mental and emotional challenges I face every day, and she takes it all with open arms and never complains. When we talked about having kids we didn't know what would happen - between my own biological issues and the changes from the hormones it was a huge question as to whether I even could father a child. We talked about doing all the medical tests my doctor wanted to do as a kid, but when we really thought about it, what would the results change? Would knowing I was intersex, or had some kind of biological irregularity change anything for us? I already had a somewhat clean bill of health from my last checkup. So we said fuck it. It took quite a long time (and not for lack of effort or trying) but we eventually had our first daughter. We also inadvertently sparked something in me.

My therapist didn't know it, my wife didn't know it, and I didn't know it but the birth of my daughter was the trigger for a cascading series of events. As much as I had tried, using all the tools available, I could not keep denying my transgenderedness. Transness? It had always been there, in a quiet and overlooked part of my land, dormant but with just enough life to keep existing. Having a child and becoming a parent was the trigger needed to spark it back to life. Slowly, silently, it grew and stretched out its roots all the while causing emotional and mental issues. My depressive episodes were coming more frequent, but we didn't notice it was depression. My dysphoria was coming back with a vengeance but we thought it was from other sources. My egg was cracking open.

All it took was a simple, innocent, statement and everything changed. My daughter had tripped and fell, started crying, and as I picked her up I said "Come to mommy, baby". My wife noticed what I said, I noticed what I said, and the egg fully cracked open. It would be a series of conversations, large and small, over a few years. It would be 2 steps back and one step forward and jumping in place. We eventually would have the final conversation and determine that yes, I needed to transition. This part of me cannot be denied, ignored, or buried. When I asked what it would mean for our marriage, I said losing you wasn't worth it. She said I married the person, not the gender. We would have our second and last child before starting down this path.

So here we are in my third transition attempt. She has been an integral part from day one. We've explored what I want from this, what can be obtained and what can't, what needs to adjust in our marriage and how we can do it successfully. She gives me my weekly E shots and comes with me to every appointment. This change has also given her the ability to not only explore her own bisexuality, but also gender. We consider our friendship, relationship, and marriage even stronger than before. Our own little family unit is building quite the home on my land. My girls flip/flop between calling me mommy or daddy, but we don't mind since they always call me she or her or even ma'am. My eldest daughter always tells me how pretty I look or how she likes my dress or jewelry. Thanks to an obsession the youngest one had with the movie Coraline, father's day has been celebrated as Other Mother's Day.

Life isn't perfect though, nor should I expect it to be. This journey has also she light on how just how my own mental illnesses have been impacting me and the decisions I've made (if my biography is ever written a copy of the DSM V will need to be packaged with it for reference). Despite my vigilance things do sneak past and I've only just started climbing out of the deepest depression hole I've ever been in and this episode started 4months ago, but my wife has been loving, understanding, and supportive which helped immensely in pulling myself out.

I've socially transitioned at home, at work, and in the world at large. I'm medically transitioning and will soon legally transition. While I mourn that she never got to experience this in it's purest form, I do take solace in knowing she would have approved.

I've received my share of flak from people before, saying that I shouldn't transition because of my mental illness or that my history gives other trans people a bad name. Some bolder individuals have even said that because I detransitioned that means I was never trans to begin with. It hurts for a bit, but the haters are gonna hate and sometimes bitches just be trippin. From the time I started that Real Life Test to now it has taken me 21 years, a herculean task if there ever was one, and I have earned every. little. inch. This victory was earned with blood, sweat, and tears. Want to devalue that? Want to invalidate that? Want to take that away? Well, you'll need to pry it from my cold, dead, fabulously-manicured hands.

If you've read this far and you're struggling with your own transition, know that I understand and I support you. You aren't the first, you aren't alone, and you are heard. I love you!

A man is walking down the road and falls into a hole. He tries and tries but he can't climb out. A doctor passes by and he yells out "Hey doc, I fell in this hole and I can't get out! Can you help?" and the doctor looks down, writes a script, and sends it down saying "This should help!" and walks away. The next passerby is a priest and he yells out "Hey padre, I fell in this hole and I can't get out! Can you help?" and the priest says "Yes! I'll pray for you!" and walks away. The next person is his friend, Joe. "Hey Joe, I fell in this hole and I can't get out! Can you help?", Joe looks down, see's his friend, and jumps in the hole with him. "Joe, what the hell are you doing? Now we're both stuck down here!" he says. Joe replies "Yeah, but I've been here before and I know the way out".

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV Ep3 Musings - Claudia & Louis (Spoilers)

I'm still teary & choked up while typing this. SUPER emotional episode. It's incredible how much they packed into one ep, too! But the second half of the ep was BY FAR the most emotionally impactful IMO. Jacob's acting is just WAY too good; he had me choking up something fierce.

Louis taking pictures of his food for no effing reason like all the social media girlies do; I love it.

Louis STILL tryna be Claudia's knight in vengeful black. U_U But just like before when he tried to save her from Lestat, he can't save her from Bruce or the Theatre or even his own eff-ups. DANG. 😔

YES YOU DO. If you wanna keep pestering her about trauma she doesn't want to think/speak about, then be prepared for the consequences.

AMC, you GOTTA kill Bruce on-screen for us, either in QotD during all the Burnings, or during the PL trilogy (Killer's death was GNARLY).

LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER ALMOST CRYING RIGHT THERE. God's strongest soldier, she's suffered more than Christ, JUSTICE FOR CLAUDIA. All rapists deserve the death penalty, IDGAF.

Understatement of the century.

I CACKLED at that literal DEMON TIMING. Armand was already AT the door while y'all were concocting your lies! Then he just strolls on in, uninvited! 😭

BULLSH!TE. Not that it matters, since vamps have SUPER-HEARING and can READ MINDS, you morons! Pack your bags and go back to America RIGHT NOW. 💀💀💀

Louis, beloved, bless your heart, but if you don't take your garbage attempts at lying back to NOLA and stop playing with this ANCIENT immortal dressed in all white like the effing BOSS PIMP you USED to be.....

Alpha DADDY Maitre Armand Sir, I take back every bottom Uke Omega joke I ever said about you~! 😍

Yeah, about all that.... 😬

Aaaaannnnnd THIS is where you effed up, Claudia.

And Armand heard the WHOLE THING. 😭

Look at her FACE. 😭😭😭😭

They KNEW she hated being treated as a child, and they KNEW her time was numbered cuz she lied about breaking their Great Laws, so they DELIBERATELY made the "Baby LouLou" role to humiliate her, and EXPLOITED her image to bring in extra revenue (how many BLACK actresses did they ever have in their coven/stage? ZERO); all while KNOWING they were gonna kill her and Louis ASAP.

I hate this Theatre coven with ever fibre of my being, Maitre.

Excellent point, Louis. Cuz I noticed in Ep2 that their apartment is kind of crappy--I assumed it was cheap & low class cuz of the tenants all being college students & sex workers, and I noticed a bunch of chipped paint everywhere; on the doors & walls.

They're slumming it in a studio, sleeping in the living room, as neither has their own room & she has to use a Murphy Bed. Major step below 1132; the exact opposite of how book!Claudia & Lou lived in Parisian opulence--highlighting my point that AMC!Claudia got NOTHING out out being a vampire.

But it's also pointing out how Louis covers all the cracks--in his MIND, in the lies he tells himself, just to live with the glaring problems he desperately wants to cover up & deny.

I'm finna yeet myself out the nearest window.

This is SO bizarre, cuz in this version Lou KNOWS Lestat's not really dead! In the book Lou set him on FIRE. So ofc he'd think Les was really dead. But here it makes no sense why he's carrying all this guilt!

Armand knew Lou & Claudia LIED, sure--but he SHOULD know Lestat's still ALIVE--he's probably chained up in the Theatre basement in one of those friggin "wet room burial vaults!"

THANK YOU.

The guilt is out of control. Louis, if Les couldn't tell you loved him after ALL OF THAT, then he's a effing fool who neither understands nor deserves you. Now go chop his d**k off!

Is that what you tell yourself when DreamStat's in bed with you every night? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I haven't seen mental trauma treated so well in Horror media since Senua's Sacrifice; this is incredible. 👏

Lou, give yourself a bit more credit--you're doing the best you can! :( Even if your best is an entire travesty. U_U

NOBODY TALK TO ME!

Just when I thought she was having a breakthrough, she doubles down on thinking Lestat lied to them about Europe being terrible. 🤦

(The way Lou clutches his pearls like he's having a heart attack--STOP it, ma'am~! 👌) And YES, you should've told her that you folded and spilled the beans to Armand and that she was walking into a trap, WTF!?! 😡

Jacob, your GirlDad is showing; PLEASE have mercy on us! 😭

EMMYS. 👏 GRAMMYS. 👏 OSCARS. 👏 TONYS. 👏