#i'm not gonna look into it any further than the messages i've already sent so no judgement if you have

[mishkakagehishka]

Hmm. Okay, one last word on the drama, sorry again, I'd also very much love to just put it all behind us. But the person I'm suspecting is blaming me for shittalking to my followers, so just in case anyone who follows me is sending them mean shit, let's not do that??? There's no point in it, even if you suspect someone, even if it's the same person i suspect, don't just accuse folks with no evidence. You can keep your distance from someone you consider suspicious (blocking is your friend), but don't stir the pot further. I want this to be over with already.

[shkika]

[RECORDED BROADCAST : 1681.662] - PRIVATE Seven Red Suns, Chasing Wind

CW: Have you had any contact with Five Pebbles recently?

SRS: Not in a long while actually! Unless worrying about him counts.

CW: One of his neighbors, Unparalleled Innocence, sent an overseer to his can and got some images. They were made public in the local group, in an effort to be mean I suppose. There's no other way of putting it he looks awful.

SRS: Tell me.

CW: He's got the rot, very badly. Big cysts have become mobile and are scattering down the west and middle legs. He does listen to you, and few others by now, so you should talk to him.

SRS: I will try to contact him. Does Moon know?

CW: Moon has been unavailable for some time.

[Pending upload to local group records by dispatched Overseer. Unit will enter read only state in 432 cycles.]

UI leaked pebbles rot images in the local group, but suns didn't know until CW told them, which might imply that they are not part of the local group

THIS DISCUSSION IS GOING!! I've gotten a bunch of asks about this along with tags and replies oh my. Just gonna state that Suns to me and in my ask-blog is part of the local group and honestly at this point even if James himself came up to told me I'm wrong I can't change that cause I set it up already ..? SO UHH hm

ANYWAY LET'S RAMBLE!!

I honestly think the strongest pointer to the implication that SRS isn't part of the local group is the fact they didn't know about Pebbles' situation first. So Chasing Wind had to tell them!

I see it! I've always made the assumption they just weren't active in the local group messages (just like how we haven't seen a single word about Innocence in the game even if she's canonically closest to Moon and Pebbles out of the others)

^ Especially, because I assumed this meant that UI spread the information further than just the local group. Which! I don't know!

I don't think my assumption is FULLY baseless, just because of how the approach the conversation with NSH is?

They're being vague about hurting someone. If the chats were in the local group, which NSH has access to, but SRS doesn't it feels so bizarre to me they'd try to vague point at it as if there's any chance NSH wouldn't have already seen. Like what hopes do you have buddy?? The fact that Pebbles has the rot and is in such a terrible condition is like uhm... well yeah.

Still they've never been active in a local group chat and it was through Chasing that they found out about the rot situation so I don't know!

Also a good point!! Once again I read it differently! I thought the "She's very close to Five Pebbles" wasn't a descriptor, but more so a reason on why he's worried about her. "She's close to him (rot infested doofus) and I'm her friend man"

Them not knowing Moon very well isn't too much of evidence for either statement. What they did not understand about Moon is why she wouldn't force Pebbles to stop dead in his tracks and save her life. Which is an extremely valid question, because as his administrator she had the power to do so. NSH is a close friend of hers group or not and explains.

They do still call her Big Sis Moon which is rather weird if you're not part of her local group? Aside also shortening her name to just Moon. (which could be either familiarity or convenience, no solid evidence)

They also got into contact with Five Pebbles VERY soon after he was put online according to SRS themselves which is possible both ways! Just felt more likely if they were part of the local group.

AND SPEARMASTER.

We don't know what "local group" means, but I always assumed, because of the name it partly meant distance.

Iterators are VERY far from each other, usually. Like quite far even local group wise. I assumed that for a slug cat like Spearmaster to have been capable to make the journey to Pebbles and back... and then do the same AGAIN, it meant that SM made a long journey, but one that was like... y'know not from one part of the continent to the other big.

I assume distance plays a role, because in a cream pearls..

The implication is that Local groups held out together the longest.

I can't imagine this poor creature covering a such a massive worth of land on foot..!

SM was given the pearl inside their chest mainly for it to be hidden, but also as an instinct that's true! So they know where to go.

Hunter doesn't have that not because it isn't needed, but because NSH was rushing. As implied by these lines.

NSH was rushing them so much they ended up with the rot, I doubt there was any time left to perfect a homing instinct or do much of anything really. I think NSH is probably closer than SRS (just for poor Hunter's sake honestly), but I don't know by how much really- iterators seem to be built PRETTY far from each other. The only other closest neighbor is UI. Which means NSH is farther than her.

But either way yeah. I've dug info for a WHILE now I can't seem to find any super solid evidence for either. I'm just sharing my interpretation as always. You can headcanon either one of these and call them canon in my book really.

[aceofwhump]

not to sound like an ungrateful ass because i'm really grateful somebody took the event over rather than it getting abandoned completely but oh boy, i really wish there was more consideration put into thinking about us poor lil gif makers lmao. i saw the prompt list & my heart sank because wow, what the flip am i supposed to do with some of these prompts? i was up late last night trying to come up with a plan & yh, it's going to be difficult that's for sure! anyway best of luck to you my love! x

Nonny I am really glad you sent this message because I am feeling the EXACT same way.

I am so grateful to the new mods that whumptober is continuing and I recognize how massive this event is, how much time goes into planning and running something on this scale. I have a massive amount of appreciation for themcause I certainly couldnt handle it. And I love them for doing it. I do.

But it feels like they only thought of this event as a writing event and that irks me. This prompt list is so hard for gifmakers. It's great for writing and I'm glad a lot of writers are feeling inspired but as gifmaker my heart sunk further and further with each days prompt I read. How on earth am I supposed to come with enough scenes for a compilation gifset for these prompts? Hell, I can't even come up with a single scene for a lot of these. Even the alternates are a challenge so I can't even use those to help me.

I don't know. I'm not giving up though!! I'm gonna figure something out for each day even if it's only vaguely related to the prompt! Still, it's a little discouraging reading these prompts. Feels like sometimes people forget that the whump community is fandom community and not just a writing community. There is so much more to this community than writing and I wish that was acknowledged more sometimes. Not to diss writers! I'm a writer! I love whump writers! Y'all are amazing! But being a gifmaker it can make me sad sometimes that people think of the community as strictly a writing community when it's more than that.

Ugh sorry for being a downer. I'm struggling here. I don't want to repeat scenes I've giffed before but it's not looking good. I know I'm gonna have to repeat scenes cause I just don't have any other examples. I was really hoping for specific tropes instead of vague ideas this year.

But its gonna be okay, yeah? Us gifmakers can do this! We got this! And we can help each other. I already know of a few days I'm going to ask for help with so if I can help anyone with a prompt please ask! We can do this!

[anti-endo-haven]

Venting again cause i need to know if I'm being overdramatic or if this is an okay reaction TwT

Maybe important note???: We have BPD, and i've also been dating my partner for over a year

Okay so I have a partner, and I really really love them. Like a lot. And today I was stalking scrolling through their blog, and noticed that they had gotten a couple of those positivity asks (like "i love your blog, share to blogs you like to spread the positivity")

and at first I was a little hurt because he didn't send me any sort of ask like that, and then i scrolled a little further and saw that he had sent an ask to someone else. and i know this because he had reblogged it with a message

and then i sent him that exact same message, cause i really like them and their blog does make me happy! but i also wanted to see if they would send it back. and he hasn't.

and now i'm just really really hurt and betrayed and i feel like he doesn't love me anymore, and we also haven't talked (like had any meaningful conversation) in forever, and i know it's cause they love the show they're hyperfixating on and it makes them really happy but i don't know what they're talking about at all and it's literally the only thing we talk about. the only times the conversation branches off is when they've had a terrible day and want to talk to us about it or because we make a really concerning post on our blog and it shouldn't have to get to that point

and even when we share something, he just brushes it off and goes back to talking about bsd. like we wore a dress last friday and we were super, super excited, and we told him about it and his only reaction was "NICE" and then showed a ss of a bsd post and began to talk about it. we got more of a reaction from strangers on the internet than our boyfriend of over a year. we can scroll back and find messages where we told him we were wearing a dress or skirt and he would ask for pictures and be super happy and be a complete dork and now he didn't even ask for a picture or say that we must've looked so pretty. he couldn't even type out "OMG THAT'S AWESOME" or "OOO LEMME SEE" or "THAT'S GREAT!!".

and they also haven't asked us "how are you" since february 2nd, and checking the chat log I'm 99% sure he only asked that because we weren't really acting normal, and checking the chat logs again i can't even find the last time he said "i love you" without us initiating the exchange or because we did something for him

actually we just found it. it was when i couldn't message him for a couple days because i was literally too depressed to do so and too tired to pick up my phone, and literally going back to the messages the only reason it was even brought up was because i asked if he was okay because he was acting weird

i just feel like he doesn't care about me anymore, let alone love me

Hey, anon. Gonna get really deep and to the point here.

You 100% need to make it to where you and your partner have a talk together with no outside distractions. This is serious and it can really put a dent in your relationship, which it already is. You are absolutely valid for feeling this way.

I know that being hyperfixated on a show or game can take a lot of time, but it’s also super important to be able to make time for loved ones in the middle of it.

There needs to be boundaries and telling him how you’re feeling. The best way to also communicate is to be assertive and use “I” statements as well as throwing ideas out on how the two of you can work on it together. An example:

“I don’t feel like you’re interested in spending time with me right now, and I want to do something together to get the spark back in our relationship. I think it would be better for us to work together again than sitting this out and letting the wound fester.”

Relationships aren’t all that easy sometimes, and there’s bound to be bumps in the road along the way, but open communication, boundaries, working together is much better than letting things fester. Even if you think something is small.

Talk over your fears that you have with how the relationship is going.

If you’re both able to find a day to sit down and talk even if it’s over a phone call, make sure to take breaks and come back to the conversation if emotions become strong. Make sure you also do something for yourself.

And if you really think it’s necessary, breaks in relationships aren’t a bad thing. Especially when it gives you time to focus on yourself. My partner and I had a lot of breaks and we’re finally on a path of healing together.

The best thing you can do right now is communicate how you feel. Don’t let him shut you down, allow him to communicate back, work together.

I hope this helps for some of it! You’re doing what you can! ❤️

[weepinglevi]

patience is a virtue

summary: college!au. all aged up. eren and reader continue with their sexual escapades. find part one here! warnings: 18+ minors dni. dirty text messages, dirty talk. dom!eren and bratty reader (i suppose?). throat fucking and semi-public sex. (no p in v tho) word count: around 3.5k A/N: i have a love/hate relationship with this eren ahaha, he's been ruling my brainrot ever since the last part so i hope you enjoy! there will be a part three eventually, so be on the lookout for that! enjoy your read and feedback is greatly appreciated! xx

you awake to your phone vibrating somewhere next to you. the hope of it only being a one-time occurrence quickly proven to be false as it just wouldn't stop. brr-brr. a second of silence. brr-brr. pause. brr-brr.

taking a mental note to never go to sleep again without turning off your phone, you roll over to your other side and try to ignore it. you could simply answer the texts, but that meant you'd have to open your eyes. and that whoever was texting you would win this weird battle you've just come up with in your head.

"if you don't pick up your goddamn phone, i'll smack you over the head with it," sasha groans from the other side of your shared dorm, words coming slurry with her tiredness.

brr-brr.

"i could also stick it up your ass, your decision," a pillow comes flying to your head, serving as enough of a warning for you to sit up in your bed, rubbing the sleep from your eyes.

"quit moaning, i'll turn it off now," you yawn, feeling around your bed for your phone, "you never hear me complaining about the shit you do in the middle of the night."

"that's because my shit is funny and not fucking annoying," she scoffs, followed by a muted thump as she is sinking back down into her pillows. sasha's way of ending the conversation.

you find your phone half-tucked underneath your pillow, the display already lighting up again. someone is desperate for attention, you think to yourself and unlock your phone with an annoyed sigh. the messages were coming from an unknown number.

thinking about your wet pussy. this is eren, btw. historia gave me your number. i told her you wouldn't mind you don't mind, do you?

in a matter of seconds, your heart is beating in your throat once more, just like this afternoon in that godforsaken computer lab. ears growing hot at his words, you could almost imagine the sound of him laughing at you again. with trembling fingers, you scroll down further.

anyway, let's do it again sometime i told you. i'll never let you forget about how you moaned my name i'm also not forgetting about how badly i want to fuck that pretty mouth of yours, so it's a win-win see ya, then

staring down at your phone, you don't know if you should answer him. and even if you would answer his texts, what the hell should you say? "fucking bastard," the words escaping your mouth before even realizing that you'd better keep quiet. the only thing that could make this situation any worse was if sasha were to wake up again.

scratch that, you think as you see eren's new messages.

how badly do you want to suck my cock? you looked really hot today, covered in my cum what, you're shy again?

there are two ways this could go: either you stand up, put on some clothes, and then go to eren's dorm to let hell rain upon him - or simply mute your phone and ignore him. deciding to go with the latter, you lie back down and save his number as "fuckhead", a small grin forming on your face. if he wants to be childish, then you can be, too.

the display still lighting up at a steady pace, you have to fight the urge to open his other messages. to physically prevent yourself from grabbing your phone again, you put your hands between your thighs and sigh. what the hell have i gotten myself into?

"so, who am i gonna have to teach some manners today?", sasha asks in the morning, "because there are only two valid reasons for sending that many texts in the middle of the night," she sits up in her bed and bends over to reach for her phone, "either someone's dead or there's a food sale."

cringing at the thought of having to read the countless other messages eren has sent throughout the night, you try to laugh at her comment, "of course, when there's food involved, you're all for it."

"girl's gotta eat," she claims, thankfully being too distracted by something on her phone to notice your strange behavior, "i'm gonna be back later than usual today, connie wants me to be his wingman again."

starting to go off on a tangent about how connie should just get a dating app already, sasha's words become more of background noise to you. you want to know what he wrote. what he has in store for you. at the same time, you curse yourself out. you're turning into a headless chicken and all of it because of eren fucking yeager?

you nod here and there, offering her a "yes" at what you believe to be fitting moments, desperately hoping she doesn't catch up on your restlessness. all the while the two of you are getting ready for the day. this goes on for a few more minutes and you have no clue what she's talking about now, so you decide to grab your phone and stand up.

"i'm gonna go for a run around campus, you want coffee?" you blurt out, interrupting her monologue. the device in your hand feels as if it's burning through your skin. slipping into your trainers, you're already halfway out the room, her perplexed "uh- yes, please," being muffled by the door closing behind you.

it's still warm outside - not as hot as yesterday, but warm enough for you to be glad to have forgotten your cardigan earlier. you let out a deep breath, trying to clear your mind. even though you told sasha you'd be out for a run, you walk at a slow pace.

some people are already wandering around campus, most of them on their way to a lecture. at this time in the morning, everyone has their heads full with their own worries so no one notices you slowly making your way off-campus.

arriving at a little park surrounded by trees, you sit down on the bench farest off. you notice your heart fluttering like the wings of a hummingbird when pulling the phone out of your back pocket. fuck him, you think once again while typing in your code. fuck him for making me feel this way.

12 unread messages.

didn't seem all too shy when i had my hand wrapped around your throat no need to play hard to get when i already had you if that makes sense? haven't fucked you yet doesn't mean i won't get to fuck you

all you want is to feel appalled by these messages. to screenshot them and send them to the dean. maybe even to his mother. sickened with yourself though, you already feel the familiar warmth creeping up your body, curling up in your abdomen.

i know you want it, too how fucking needy you were for me getting yourself off in public to the thought of me maybe you can tell me what exactly you were thinking of? gonna make sure to let your dreams come true, princess

pet names? you clench your fist at the thought of eren leaning over you, breathing the word princess into your ear. you have an inkling that he'd say it mockingly; spitting it out whilst gathering your hair in a ponytail, arching your back forcefully, and slamming his length into you without mercy.

no. you hate pet names. at least, you've always hated them.

i'm gonna find out if you're ignoring me right now remember, you're not the best actress. fucking suck at it, actually wouldn't want to be punished now, would we?

his last message echoed in your head. still coming to terms with the fact of what happened yesterday, now you have to deal with a whole new revelation: eren yeager being a cocky motherfucker pushing all the right buttons for you. even though you want to blast his ass for this, the mere thought of him being near you again is too sweet of an imagination.

you want to play this game, too. for whatever reason keep on riding this high, and you just know that no one could do it quite as well as eren can. somehow you can only imagine taking him on this ride with you, no one else.

so, in that manner you decide to ignore his messages. if he's desperate enough to keep on sending them in the middle of the night, you're sure it won't be long until he sends another text. and it would give him enough reason to try and punish you, whatever that might entail – you're excited to find out. fucking nervous, too. but then again, who wouldn't be?

you stand up and put your phone in your back pocket, a sense of excitement surrounding your steps as you turn left to make your way to the nearest coffee shop.

"something tells me you're ignoring me," of course, the moment eren's voice comes up behind you, you fucking flinch like a little bird that's been scared away, "mostly because i've seen you reading the messages, but what do i know?"

you turn to see him clutching his heart dramatically, "don't play with my feelings like this," he swoons, bringing one hand to his forehead. he's laughing again, all white teeth and bright smiles – you realize this is the kind of eren you rarely get to see. not the cocky bastard he normally portrays; right now, he seems to be a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, just enjoying himself. still, you want to show him that you can play just as well as he can.

crossing your arms in front of your chest, you slightly raise a brow, trying your hardest to not look as nervous as you feel. it's a lost cause though because you can already feel the tips of your ears glowing with heat again. can't things go my way for once? just once? you think and chew the inside of your cheek. you felt so sure of yourself just moments ago. how the hell can he have this sort of effect on you?

suddenly, his whole demeanor changes. before, he seemed laid-back, entertained by the game he played with you. now he leans forward, hands in the pockets of his jacket and an almost cruel smile forming on his lips, "don't try to challenge me in this. you'll lose."

you know that you should feel frightened. terrified, even. he's looking like a lion preparing to jump the antelope, a sense of alarming calmness around him that's causing the small hairs on your neck to stand up. but alas, the way he's looking at you seems to have the same effect on you his scent has.

"i told you not to ignore me," eren says and takes a few steps closer to you, "yet here you are, doing it again." the chuckle leaving his lips a stark contrast to his stern gaze, still trained on you. somehow, you feel awfully small again - still not frightened, though. you stare right back at him, tilting your head slightly as if you wanted to say "so what?"

"are you seriously that desperate to be punished?"

better now than never, you think and once again place a courtly smile on your lips, "seems like it."

for a split second, you see eren's smug look turn into a genuine smile. realizing that you're up for his game, he lets out a smooth whistle, "you do surprise me."

"if you wouldn't always be so full of yourself, i'm sure you'd have recognized this sooner," you can feel the confidence growing in yourself again. clinging on to it, you take a step toward him, "i'm full of surprises."

"oh, yeah? i bet you are," from the corner of your eye, you can see him lifting his hand. before thinking twice about it, you bat it away, "i'm not one for public displays of affection."

oh, it is on– eren's smirk turns into a full-fledged grin as he takes a grip of your wrist, "you sure about that?" lifting your hand to his face, for a short moment you think he's going to suck on your fingers again. but all he does is place a faint kiss on the back of your hand, "didn't seem like it yesterday."

"you weren't supposed to see."

"but i'm so glad i did," he leans forward, the two of you standing so close you can feel his breath on your face, "or else we wouldn't have this kind of fun right now."

still having a hold of your hand, he lifts his other to your jaw, gently tracing his thumb across your lower lip, "you looked so pretty in your skirt yesterday."

taking a leap of faith, you grab his hand, holding it in place and letting your tongue run across the tip of his thumb before biting down playfully. there's a hiss and then eren pulls away and grabs your arm, "come with me."

finally, you think and let him guide you to wherever he wants, let's have some fun, then.

on your way out of the park, you pass jean and marco. even though they stand to greet eren, he just raises his hand whilst not breaking his pace, "gotta go, have an assignment to work on."

"never seen you that determined, but go off," jean laughs.

before you know it, you're inside one of the countless maintenance sheds. pushing you against the wall, eren's movements seem to become more and more erratic by the second. pinning your arms over your head, he's looking down at you, breathing heavily. "you have no idea what you just got yourself into," licking his lips, he chuckles.

"oh, but i think i actually do," you smile innocently, fucking glad to have found your normal self again. admittedly, eren threw you off your game since yesterday – but it's just going to play into your hands now. he won't see it coming until it's hitting him straight in the face; that you're just as messed up as he seems to be.

"then prove it," he breathes against your ear, "tell me how badly you want it."

the stuffy air inside the dimly lit shed doesn't help with keeping eren's scent away from you. being so close to him, looking up into his shadowed face and right into his dilated eyes; you're like putty in his hands. you try to move forward, to touch him in some way because you just know that he'll feel so good under your skin.

"now now, princess," he moves even closer, wedging you between himself and the wall, "how about we learn some patience, first?"

you nod, but then grind up against his thigh, hissing through your teeth, "i worry i'll be a real handful." you know you could very well move your hands, too – eren seems to still be testing the waters as to how far he can go with you. but with him actually letting you grind on him; you decide to play into his hands.

your breaths grow quicker as you keep on, pace becoming erratic. all you want is to get rid of your track pants – come to think of it, what you actually want is eren under you whilst you continuously bounce on his cock. you want to hear him call you princess and immediately after call you his little whore because that's exactly what you are.

eren has a little smile on his lips and you know you should ask yourself why – because you're doing exactly what he has forbidden you to do – but you're too far gone. the heat growing, you feel your knees buckle but he's holding you up; one hand now resting on your waist for support. you're so close –

and then he pulls away from you, nearly causing you to topple over. chest heaving, you place your hands on your knees for balance, "what the fuck was – "

"patience is a virtue," interrupting you with a laugh, but his voice heavy with lust, "thought i might give you a lesson you're ought to remember."

you look up to see eren palming his erection through his pants, standing about an arm's length away from you, "but i have to admit, hearing you getting yourself off is fucking hot."

biting your teeth together, you straighten up and take a step toward him – only for him to click his tongue in disapproval, "you're gonna stay right there," tugging at his pants he raises his eyebrow, "i told you what i want, get on your knees for me."

"the fuck i will," you spit out and make a move again, grasping for his waistband. but eren is quick to take a hold of your hand and pushes you back to the wall, "come on, now, princess," he chuckles but his eyes are concentrated at you, "you want this, don't you?". he's asking for permission, the thought feeling very comforting to you. and also, very excited for what's about to come.

"of course, i do," you answer him earnestly, resting the back of your head against the wall, "or else i wouldn't be here."

"fantastic," he breathes, a little smile playing in the corners of his mouth, "then get down on your knees," placing his hands on your shoulders, weighing you down, "i won't ask again."

the change of tone in his voice has you nodding, slowly sinking onto your knees, you're bursting in anticipation. one hand finally pulling down his pants, he runs his other through your hair, then down your jaw until it comes to rest on your chin.

thumbing at your lower lip, he groans "do i have to be careful?"

you just shake your head no. then you break away from his gaze, fixing your eyes on the bobbing cock in front of you. it's tip leaking with precum already, you remember how badly you wanted to lick it away yesterday.

taking his cock at its base, you bend forward and slide your tongue around its head. the salty taste sending shudders down your spine, you make sure to lift your eyes again once you prepare to take it all down your throat. your other hand snakes up to his balls, slightly tugging them which earns you a moan from eren, and fuck, you're so wet at the sound alone, you let go of his cock and slide one hand down to your own center.

he gathers your hair in one hand, taking the base of his throbbing cock in the other, "bet this is what you thought of yesterday," he slowly but surely pulls your head in closer, "of how i fuck the words right out of you."

bucking your hips into your own hand, you can do nothing but whimper at his words. because yes, this is exactly what you imagined. he's only halfway in and you're already struggling to breathe, but not wanting him to stop you hold your breath and push down even further; trying desperately not to moan.

the tears in your eyes causing your vision to be blurry, you attempt to blink them away.

"shit – ", he's pumping into you now, rubbing the tears from your cheeks and then placing both his hands on your head, "you're doing so well – "

getting lost in his words, the fear of being caught is so far away; you finally moan around his cock. saliva soaking the hem of his shirt, you can't seem to take his whole length, no matter how hard you try. you're a fucking mess under him and the thought alone is nearly sending you over the edge.

he's trying to pull away now and you know he's close, so you snake your hand around his hip, hoping this is enough of a sign to him that if he dared to cum anywhere else than down your throat, you'd bite him.

"you really – " his voice is hoarse, "fuck – this is fucking perfect," he moans as he comes to the realization. leaning his arm against the wall behind you, he's fucking himself into your mouth, his panting and the sound of your choking filling the room.

you close your eyes to blink the tears away again, but eren pulls on your hair, "no – look at me."

with this the knot in your belly explodes, leaving you holding on to eren's hip as you ride the waves of electricity that are running through your body like lava.

"such a good little whore – " he's gone as well, holding your head in place as he's pumping his load down your throat, leaving you no other option than to swallow – which you eagerly do. you feel his legs shaking under your hands.

once again, eren hands you his shirt to clean your face. this time, you take it with a smile, noting that, "i still have your other one."

"don't worry, i'll come get it sometime when sasha's away," the two of you know exactly what this means – neither of you are planning on this to be over anytime soon.

"i'll let you know, then," you nod and stand up, hoping you don't look as well-fucked as you feel, and make your way to the door, "she's gone most of the time."

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[bruhman745]

probably should specify i associate hoy with only a few specific scenes in the book. it's a very soft pining song and grian. is not. that soft? it's just the little scenes that we see where they're both feeling like the'll never be able to do anything with their feelings, and that their emotions have blown everything way out of their proportions, and also the scenes where grian (specifically) realizes his feelings can't shouldn't be ignored

specifically the end of chap 12 and most of chapter 14, the talk on the roof in chap 9, the vast majority of chapter 7, the play fighting in the desert in chap 16, and the flight lesson in chap 18 :3

but anyway. uh. the reason i haven't sent in an ask about the grian song is because i've had it on loop for the past day. it's my exact music taste in style and video and message?? heh?? bm thank you kindly for introducing me to this song (: so without further ado...

what you know:

in a few weeks i will get time/to realize it's right before my eyes/and i can take it if it's what i want to do

grian's an over-analyzer. he overthinks things he does, in the moment and after the fact, especially if what he does was instinctual and/or without much thinking in the first place. he also underestimates himself in his self-worth, and so he puts any emotions he doesn't want to feel into his builds- he takes up his time so he doesn't have to think.

and i am leaving and this is starting to feel like/it's right before my eyes

grian knows there's something going on around him he's not quite aware of- whispers from scar to the different boatem members and xisuma, those looks impulse and pearl keep shooting him, and what is with mumbo and his time frame? he's so busy and if he's not building, he's always with scar!

maybe next year I'll have no time/to think about the questions to address

he doesn't want to know what'll happen if he reveals he's been lying to his friends. he doesn't want to know how he'll be treated, he doesn't want to know the ways he'll be hurt-

am I the one to try to stop the fire?

grian's very headstrong, but once again, he contradicts himself in that if he's overwhelmed, he flees. he doesn't want to get hurt more than he already has been, and so he forgets about his importance to the other hermits and escapes the scenario.

i wouldn't test you/i'm not the best you could have attained/why try anything?/i will get there/just remember I know

grian (as stated) fears the unknown. he doesn't want to hurt his fellow hermits, so he doesn't push and he doesn't share things that he doesn't feel can be shared.

and i can't say it's what you know/but you've known it the whole time

!!! the juxtaposition of this line! whoever's talking to grian understands that while grian knows about many things on the server, he doesn't know that he knows these things because he hides them behind a wall of panic and worry.

also bmmmmmmmm i forgot about below my feet for mumbo and i am so. so mad.

some lyrics i would analyze but don't have the space:

and now i sleep/sleep the hours and that i can't weep

keep the Earth below my feet/for all my sweat, my blood runs weak/let me learn from where I have been

And i was still/i was under your spell

well keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn/keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

that last line is very mumbo i. how did i forget this. what.

~☁️

okay i probably know what "hoy" is an abbreviation for but i cant for the life of me figure it out. its a song, right? yeah? lmfao im havign a time with this

the part about grian being an over-analyzer,, yeah. me projecting on a character I'm writing? nahhh, totally not hahahah,, AND HAVIGN EVERYONES EYES ON HIM?? bro is STRESSED, he knows everyone knows whats going on and he's scared they're gonna find out a whole lot more than he's willing to share

he doesn't want to know what'll happen if he reveals he's been lying to his friends. he doesn't want to know how he'll be treated, he doesn't want to know the ways he'll be hurt-

yep. he's created such a desperate and terrifying scenario in his head that the possibility that no one would give a shit isn't even plausible anymore. he's dug himself too deep to climb out now

grian (as stated) fears the unknown. he doesn't want to hurt his fellow hermits, so he doesn't push and he doesn't share things that he doesn't feel can be shared.

^^^^^^ this also goes with the above. exactly

whoever's talking to grian understands that while grian knows about many things on the server, he doesn't know that he knows these things because he hides them behind a wall of panic and worry.

DHGJGKHDJ YEP. YEP. i couldn't have said it better.

AND OMFG BELOW MY FEET IS THE SONG I WAS LISTENING TO WHEN I PICKED MUMFORD AND SONS FOR HIS VIBE!!

well keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn/keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

yep. this line SCREAMS mumbo. i love to compare him to a machine/computer when i write him because he's always taking in information, processing it, then outputting the appropriate response. he's learning and adapting and growing and changing, but he stays so much the same. he's such an interesting character and id love to do something from his perspective (which i do have planned, but it's an au and its gonna b a bit) just to explore his thought processes and reactions

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 9/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Sorry for taking so long to upload! I've had a hard week but everything is fine. Here we are - the end! Wanna know something interesting? There was actually going to be more to this story. Like, we were gonna get more flashbacks from when Brie and Juju went to college. There they would meet Tatianna, who was a badass feminist. And she'd be the one to help Brianna with her glow up. But the story was already going on too long and I couldn't fit any of it in.

Also I was going to go down a completely different route for the story. If any of you have actually seen the music video for Gimme Love by Joji, it ends on a more darker tone. And that's how I was gonna do it with this fic as it was based on it. But I just couldn't do it.

So I hoped you guys enjoyed it. I know I didn't get a lot of reads on it, but I'm glad knowing it was recieved by some. Anyway, on with chapter 9!

Major TW's for this chapter: Alcohol, mental health discussion.

2020

It was the day of the pre-party. It was going to be held at my place. I was prepared for possible drunkenness, embarrassing moments, but celebrations of everything we had accomplished. This was something I had worked my ass towards for so long, and it was finally happening.

I smiled, proud that I had finally punched myself in the face (figuratively, of course). I opened my eyes and saw how easy it was to rekindle with Mom. I was scared about seeing her in a few weeks, knowing we'd have to talk about my issues. But I knew now. If I didn't, I would just continue to get worse and worse.

On top of that, the Ed Sheeran problem was over and done with. His team understood fully, and he was set to perform at the launch.

And finally, I would meet Blair again. And it would be different this time. I wouldn't be the shy, insecure teenager she had always seen me as.

However, despite all these promising signs, my smile dropped. I imagined this morning playing out entirely differently.

Jujubee would be the first person to message me. Fuck, she'd probably even break in just to make sure I was up.

None of that happened. I know one should manage their expectations better. But it still hurt.

After two cups of coffee, some soggy cereal and a shower, I tried calling her. It rang a few times but went straight to voicemail mail.

I didn't bother leaving another message. I didn't wanna freak her out.

I probably wasn't helping my case. She probably thought I was relying on her, that she was life support for me.

But that wasn't the case. I mean, I couldn't just stand up and be like, "OK later, bitch," after practically growing up together. How could I just let go of someone I held so dear to my heart?

My eyes travelled across the kitchen, at first only her disappointment during our argument, how I had never seen her so angry.

On the counter, beside the fridge, there was my memory box.

What would Grandpa say in this situation?

Remember how I would write things he'd say to me? Just little bits and pieces of advice as something I could hold on to? I gave it to Mom to put it away for me. It had to be in the box.

I stood up, the stool making a scraping sound along the ground.

But a knock at the door tore my attention away.

Why did I hope it would be her?

Well, because it wasn't out of the ordinary for her to come and visit in the morning. Maybe this was it. I was forgiven.

I rushed to the door with the slight fear that if I wasn't fast enough, I'd miss her.

I unlocked the door and flung it open, a smile on my face, ready to greet her.

5 people were standing there; the decorators. I tried not to let my smile falter as I let them in.

-_-_-_-

8PM and my place had never looked livelier. For my first time hosting a party, it didn't feel like there was much hosting to do.

It felt like any other party I had been to, a room crowded with people dancing or talking to each other.

The music wasn't too loud, so the disorientation wasn't there.

I held back from drinking with the fear of doing something embarrassing, especially around Blair.

My bathroom was still clean when I went to apply a fresh coat of gloss. Good. Nothing to worry about.

I made my way back downstairs to the party, crossing the barrier at the bottom. The only place off-limits to the guests was upstairs. I'd hate to think there would be some people who'd want private time, especially in my bed. It happened at college once.

After a small party in our dorm, I found a couple midst coitus in my bed. Never again, I had said.

"Brianna!"

My head whipped in the direction of the voice, every bit of hope I had inside building up.

"You look stunning." A raven-haired woman approached.

"Thank you," I said in more of a questionable form. My brain couldn't figure out who this was.

"My name is Raja. I'm a writer for Cosmo," that explained it, "I was wondering if I could ask a few questions for a piece I'm doing. It's on the most influential women of the year."

I wanted to say no in the case I missed the arrival of Blair.

As if she read my thoughts, she spoke again. "It won't even be five minutes."

She was right about that. 15 minutes it lasted. We were locked in my bathroom, the four walls making the place feel cramped.

She asked me questions about how I reached this level, my morning routine, and what I put in my hair to make it so voluptuous. And all the while, I just kept fearing that Blair had arrived. That she had searched around for me and left when she couldn't find me anywhere. I would discreetly glance at my watch, hoping too much time didn't pass. But around 5 minutes in, I didn't care for subtlety. Not that Raja noticed. The questions seemed endless.

When she turned her recorder off, she further complimented my outfit. I thanked her, inching my way to the door. This lasted another 3 minutes.

She said I was a tiny woman with a lot of heart. I held back from saying I was a tiny woman with a lot of baggage.

When I finally escaped, I searched the place for Blair, and when I didn't find her, the panic started.

"Did anyone come in in the last 15 minutes??" I asked the workers hanging by the door.

"Yeah, there were 2 people. And I've never seen them around work. Could be anyone, Brie." They said with worry in their tone.

"OK, was one of them a girl? Blonde hair. Around my age?" I questioned further.

They glanced at each other for clarification, then looked back at me and shook their heads.

"Nope. Just two guys." One said.

"Probably on a pussy hunt at their local party." The other said.

"Or dick hunt."

"Or both."

"Nah, how would they even get in?"

Realising this was not Blair they were talking about, I thanked them and excused myself.

So she wasn't here yet. That's fine. Probably just running late.

I gave in and had one glass of champagne. Just to calm my nerves.

And the last person I wanted to see started to approach.

Ed fucking Sheeran. He raised a glass to celebrate and thanked me for the hotel room we paid for. I said it was no problem. And just as he was about to suggest some pictures for his Instagram, I quickly navigated away.

But I was caught by another person who just so happened to be Joey.

"I am so glad you changed your mind about the whole Ed thing. Like...girl…" he sipped his own drink.

"Yeah, it was easier than I thought." I shrugged. "Kinda feel awkward being in his presence now, though."

"I'll distract him if you want. British guys are kinda cute." Joey smirked.

I tsked, cocking my head at him. "Joey, you didn't like the guy a few weeks ago."

"I never said I didn't like him." He smirked.

"I mean, you can try." I rolled my eyes, a small smile appearing on my own face, "don't expect it to go anywhere."

Joey winked and brushed past me, making his way in Ed's direction.

Setting my glass down in my sink, I made my way to the bathroom just to check my lip gloss. A woman couldn't be too careful.

Once inside, I felt cramped again despite being alone. Maybe it was the underlying feeling of worry from being trapped in the room with Raja.

I told myself to breathe but then questioned why I was even doing such an exercise. Everything was fine. Life was good.

Looking in the mirror, my gloss was fine. But I applied a new coat anyway, just a reassurance.

And upon leaving, I set out in search of Blair again. She had to be here, just somewhere lost amongst this large amount of people.

Maybe she found someone else to talk to. Maybe not.

I moved to the balcony, the cool night air a relief.

But she wasn't there either.

I sighed, wanting a cigarette or something. Anything to calm the rising panic I was feeling inside.

I closed the door and moved further into the night, peering over the balcony and out into New York. The twinkling lights were pretty. I took a picture and sent it to my Mom. And in a few seconds, she started calling me.

"Hey, Mom."

"Hi, baby. I just thought I'd see how things are going." She asks, sounding pretty optimistic.

"I mean... it's OK, I guess. A bit crowded at my place right now." I replied.

"You nervous for tomorrow?" I hear the mischief in her voice.

She believed I'm not nervous, that I was a confident, strong woman. But she was wrong. "Of course I am. I mean, we've gone through all the precautions, so it should be fine. But still…"

"Well, baby, I promise you, everything will work out fine. It's you we're talking about."

I smiled, trying to teach my brain to agree with her.

"I would say I'd have a drink for you, but I'm trying to keep away from it tonight." Even though that was a lie.

"Yeah, you don't wanna go do something embarrassing like flashing anyone or whatever." She laughs.

"Wow. I didn't realise that was something I did." I quipped sarcastically.

"How about Jujubee?" I could still hear her smile.

But mine slowly dropped. Fuck, I had no idea. Immediately I stood back from the balcony. "Ugh...yeah, she's fine. She's good."

I moved to the door and looked past the glass at the large number of people. Fuck, I didn't even know if she was inside.

"Am I gonna get to see a picture of your outfits? You two always look like the stars of a party."

"Yeah," I faked a small laugh. "I'll go find her and get a picture. I'm gonna get back inside, OK?"

"No problem, baby. Love you."

"I love you too." I clicked end call and quickly made my way back inside.

How the fuck had I forgotten about her so quickly? Not like she was in my mind that morning or anything.

Now I had to find 2 people. I rushed inside, looking out for both of them. I checked the kitchen, dining area, lounge, the bathroom. Fuck, I even checked upstairs in the case Jujubee was there.

But there was no sign.

Where the fuck was she? Where was Blair?

It was getting harder to hold down the anxiety. Was Jujubee right about Blair? Was this another instance of my childhood crush getting my hopes up and flaking out?

The next drink tray I saw, my hand went straight for another glass. Two wouldn't hurt.

"Hey, you made it!" I heard from the front of the room, by the door.

I quickly downed the champagne and practically ran for it, too afraid to miss who had arrived.

Just as my hopes were quickly up, they fell just as fast. It was just Alex, Joey hugging him at the door.

"Fuck...Fuck...Fuck…" I whispered to myself.

A third glass of champagne found its way into my hand, and in a matter of seconds, it was down the hatch. I grimaced at the taste now, feeling like I could throw up at any second. Was that all just the anxiety, though?

Another bathroom break, I was fixing my gloss once again, scared to ruin my makeup. My hands were trembling. Fuck.

It wasn't stopping.

Back out in the main room, I tried to scan the crowd, standing on my tiptoes to try and see past everyone. It didn't help much.

Despite the music and rambling chatter happening around me, I heard the front door open, my eyes shot in its direction.

I struggled to move past a small group of coworkers, trying to get a good view of the door.

I didn't even get my hopes up this time. And, of course, it wasn't Blair.

Jujubee was right. Blair wasn't coming. Once again, she had led me on to believe I did mean something to her and that she'd give us a chance.

My hand gripped my scalp, turning away from the door. I growled, "Fuck," which didn't go unnoticed.

There was Nina with a hand on my arm. "Are you OK?"

"Yes." I lied so quickly. "I'm fine. Just... it's a little crowded in here," I fidgeted with my hands, "Is Jujubee here?"

"Yeah, you haven't seen her?" Nina raised a brow, rubbing her hand up and down my bicep.

"No." My eyes looked around briefly. "Where is she??"

"I dunno. She's you're best friend." Nina squinted her eyes. She didn't mean to sound accusatory. I guessed she was more concerned.

"She is." I reaffirmed, even though now I wasn't so sure.

"If it helps, the last place I saw her was the kitchen."

"When?"

"Half an hour ago."

I rolled my eyes and groaned. "She could be anywhere."

"Girl, it's fine. Not like we're in a labyrinth. You'll find her eventually." Nina smiled, rubbing my arm again.

I paid her no more heed and hurried towards the kitchen in the hope I'd find her there. But like the rest of my apartment, it was crowded. I stood on my toes again to try and catch a glimpse of black hair.

But there was no sign. Stressed, a shaking hand reached for another champagne. Usually, my tolerance for alcohol was high, but right now, I was feeling it. I was wavy.

In my now weary state of mind, I decided what was the fucking point? Blair had 100% flaked, as per usual, and Jujubee was obviously avoiding me at all costs.

Nina had followed me, taking my hand. "Follow me."

I didn't fight it. She moved to the staircase, pulled back the barrier and let me pass through.

She ushered me to walk up to the top before moving no further.

Turning towards the crowd beneath us, Nina addressed the people with a raised tone. "Can we have your attention, please?"

The people went quiet, beaming up at us.

Nina talked about how much of a good night it was, all while the alcohol was taking me over.

My eyes scanned the crowd, in the final chance of hope, wanting nothing more than to see Jujubee's glowing smile shining up at me.

But I couldn't. Not because I had double vision. But because she was nowhere.

I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing hard out through my nose.

Nina put her hand on my shoulder. And only then did I realise that I had blacked out, missing everything she said. I blinked a few times, trying to clear the film that had glazed my brown eyes.

"But we all wouldn't be here without our leading lady." She smiled warmly. "Everything she's achieved, it's all brought us to this moment. Let's raise a glass to Miss Brianna Caldwell."

Everyone started cheering, only a few raising a toast, the others clapping. My eyes widened, feeling all those eyes on me.

"Hope you have a speech prepared," Nina whispered in my ear.

And me, being the queen of saying just 3 lines and quickly evacuating the scene, decided no. Fuck it. I had something to say.

When the crowd began to settle down, I began to deliver the messiest speech ever.

"Well, funny you should mention achievements, Nina, because, yeah, I'm standing here before you all, having done the impossible. But what does that matter?" I laughed, shrugging. "Yeah, it does matter a whole fucking deal. I mean, look at you all. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't?" I laughed awkwardly again, but as I continued, my smile began to disappear. "Well, sometimes you just want a certain someone to give a shit. And they make you believe that they do. Just for like 5 minutes. And it feels so so fucking incredible. It feels like...like you matter. You're not just plain old Brianna Caldwell. You mean the world to them…" My tone dropped, "And then...you realise you're the most gullible, unaware, stupid fucking idiot in the world. They don't really give a fuck about you. They don't see all the things that you've achieved in life and think…' Wow...What an incredible person.' They just... don't give a fuck about you."

Everybody looked confused, uneasy even, while others giggled. Glad to know I was serving as the entertainment for the night, and I was in the same room as Ed fucking Sheeran.

Then, as if some higher power looked at me with a shaking head, maybe my grandpa, there was a glimmer of light at the back of the room, a flash of movement. And my eyes were drawn to the source.

My heart stopped

There she was. Finally. Blair St. Clair smiling apologetically at the few people who were looking at her. They smiled back as they should. She was breathtaking.

And her eyes moved to where everyone else was looking.

Right at me.

Such a familiar feeling was falling over me.

Everyone else in the room. Gone. Like they just stepped into another world, leaving the two of us in this reality.

She panted, out a breath, like she had run to my place. Impossible, she looked like an absolute angel in her gold wrap dress.

Nina nudged me. I snapped out of my daze, reminded of the whole crowd of people looking up at me with confused stares.

Fuck...what do I say now? How do I backtrack?

"But...you know what?" I started to speak again. "You realise, you're just overthinking again. 'Cause, that's a very on-brand thing for you. Every little incident of the past has taught you to doubt that good things actually can happen to you." My smile was returning. "Because the people who give a shit are there. Because you've done the impossible. And they couldn't be happier to be part of your story." My eyes were moving through the crowd, "Do what makes the ones around you proud, and what makes you fucking proud. And don't let anyone or anything hold you the fuck back. Because you have a purpose."

Thank fuck for the fact everyone started cheering again. I thought I had fucking bombed that I would see a recording of the same speech the following day all over Twitter, along with comments about how dramatic it was.

But it was fine. I saved it. I smiled at everyone and hugged Nina, suddenly overcome with happiness.

"Fuck you for not telling me you were gonna drag me up here," I whispered in her ear.

"Well, if I had asked you in the first place, you would have said no, honey." Nina grinned.

We pulled apart, and my eyes went back to the front door. I smiled, expecting to see Blair. But she had vanished. Fuck, I hadn't imagined her, right?

I tried to carefully make my way down the stairs without tripping, ready to look for her once again.

And upon reaching the bottom, Joey grabbed my hand and pulled me close, "someone on the balcony requires your attention."

He winked, and the butterflies in my belly went mad.

She was playing games with me. Not a very Blair St Clair thing to do, but the thought excited me.

I hurried to the balcony, ready to feel that cool air on my skin, her warm body pressed against mine.

And just as I was passing through the doors, feeling the cooling breeze, I stopped dead in my tracks.

I froze.

This wasn't what I expected; seeing her standing there, only noticing how radiant she looked in her orange suit dress.

Fuck. It felt so long since I had last seen her.

But it had been only a few days.

"Hi, Juju," I spoke quietly.

"Hey," she inhaled her cigarette, looking out to the city. If she hadn't replied to me, I would have guessed she failed to realise I was even there.

I swallowed, my eyes glancing down to the ground for a moment. The alcohol in my system was telling me to just turn and leave her alone. She didn't wanna see me.

But my brain said, "you idiot, she obviously invited you out here."

So I moved forward, rubbing the backs of my arms nervously.

I stood beside her, not even daring to look her in the eye. I looked at her orange suit, how Mom would have adored it.

"You invited me out here." I leaned my elbows on the ledge, my gaze following hers over the twinkling lights of New York.

"Yeah, I did." She did offer me a cigarette, but still, she never looked at me.

I shook my head, declining her offer, "Why didn't you just come and ask me yourself?"

"I was dying for a cigarette." She breathed out a stream of smoke. "Also, I've already spent most of the night trying to find you."

I couldn't help but breathe out a laugh through my nose. I glanced at her and was glad to see the smirk appear on those lips.

"I've been trying to fucking find you." I continued to laugh, a crack to my tone, however.

She finally looked at me, turning her body to face me. Her brows were knit together, yet the smirk remained. "No. I," she stressed, "have been trying to find you."

"So...what have I been doing for the past...I dunno, few hours?" I raised a brow. "Did I take 10 hits of acid earlier, or did I not search this place from top to bottom?"

She gave me a hopeless smile like she knew there was no point in arguing. She sucked on the cigarette, offering it to me.

I gave in, taking it from her hand, my fingers touching hers with a light touch. Her eyes moved to our hands as if she was thinking about it too. The feeling like this was a moment we needed to remember.

I took a drag on the cigarette, passing it back. She looked away, briefly turning her gaze to the ground.

But I kept my eyes on her like I'd never get another chance. "I really miss you, Juju," I spoke quietly, almost through a whisper.

She looked at me again. Her mouth moved around slightly yet remained closed like she wanted to say something. But she couldn't figure out what it was she was going to say.

I reached out, took her hand in mine. She seemed taken aback at first. But as my thumb stroked against the soft skin of her hand, a small smile began to resurface.

"There are…" she paused, "things that I would love to say to you. But I just... I'm afraid."

"Is it bad? Come on, Juju. You can tell me. You can tell me anything. I mean, we've grown up together. We've always told each other everything."

She looked apprehensive before taking another drag from her cigarette. And stubbing it out in the ashtray, she turned towards me once again.

She looked ready to say it. Whatever it was. I didn't even know the words yet. But I could tell this would mean a lot to her.

The muffled sound of the many people behind the closed glass doors became clearer, amplified even. Jujubee looked in its direction. My eyes followed.

"Blair," I uttered.

She looked slightly taken aback like she didn't know how to react to seeing us.

Jujubee dropped her hand to her side, a small puff of air leaving her nostrils.

"Jujubee." A smile appeared on Blair's face as she finally approached us both. "I didn't expect to see you here!"

"Likewise." Jujubee nodded slowly. She glanced at me, and I reciprocated.

Before I could figure out her exact emotion. But now, she was hard to read once again. My brows knit together, telepathically questioning what she was feeling.

Jujubee looked back at Blair. "Talk about awful timing though, I was just leaving." Jujubee smiled back at her.

Blair's smile was disappearing. "Oh." She paused, unable to say anything else.

"You don't have to go, Jujubee." I took her hand once again, stroking my thumb over her skin another time, just to remind her of the tender moment we were just having.

She smiled again, but only now, I knew the true words behind it. She pulled her hand away. "Early rise, actually. Gotta get up and ready for the big day tomorrow, right?" She raised her brows at me. Then she looked at Blair, "It was nice seeing you," and then back to me once more, "I hope you have a good night, Brie."

She averted her eyes, not even sparing me another glance. The clacking of her heels was deafening, each step away causing something inside to sting.

"It was nice seeing you again," Blair said before Jujubee could make it through the doors.

I heard a mumbled "yeah, yeah," before Jujubee went back inside.

My gaze still followed her, watching as she navigated the crowd.

"Did she...seem off to you?" Blair asked quietly.

"Yeah," I said without thinking. "I just...I don't know what's wrong with her...I can't...work it out…" my eyes never left the door, hoping Jujubee would reappear.

And feeling Blair's soft hand in mine, I was brought back to reality. I looked at her, seeing the concern in her eyes. Fuck, what a great way to reunite.

"Is something going on?" She asked softly.

I shook my head frantically, "N-No. We're fine...I guess I'm just overreacting. Yeah, she's just been...really busy with everything."

"That's probably true." She shrugged, glancing at the door, "Well, actually, I haven't seen what goes behind the public eye, but I bet it's taxing." Blair was facing me again, her eyes widening briefly.

I let out a small laugh, "Oh, you have no idea." And only then did I get a real chance to take her in. The girl had not changed. Well, call me corny, but she only got more radiant looking.

"I didn't think you'd come," I spoke with a hushed tone.

"Sorry, I was late. I couldn't get a cab for ages." She gave a half-smile. "I guess New York really is that kind of place."

"Fuck, I didn't think about traffic. I could have got you a driver or something. "I started rambling.

"No, it's OK. I'm here now anyway." Her eyes looked me up and down, "you look great, by the way. Pink always was your colour."

Funny how the last time she gave me a compliment, I shut her down. But now, I couldn't bring myself to do so. "Thank you."

I wasn't expecting her to hug me, but she did. It was very welcoming. If I could rate it out of 10, I'd give it a 9. Why the missing point? Cause she pulled away too soon. I needed that time, just to soak up the moment.

My arm was still around her waist when she put a hand to my face.

"It's so good to see you." She beamed, the city lights reflected in her eyes.

"You wanna go upstairs? We'll hear better up there. And it's kinda chilly out here." I hoped she didn't find that creepy or like I was suggesting something because that was not my intention, believe it or not.

I almost jumped, the sound of her sweet voice dragging me out of the storm that was my inner ramblings. "What about your party?" She looked over her shoulder at all the guests behind the closed doors."

"They'll be fine," I said too quickly.

"Oh. Well, if you say so."

She didn't find that weird. Good. I finally pulled my arm from her body but took her hand instead, leading her into the apartment.

I ignored the side glances we received, too focused on her presence behind me. Still so in disbelief that for once, she hadn't flaked out. She really did give a fuck. Walking up the stairs, I only noticed how my vision had cleared. I no longer felt drunk. Had it just been a quick rush of nausea that left me feeling so weary before? Or had the shock of seeing Blair literally walk into my life again shocked me so much to the point it sobered me up?

"Here we go," I said quietly, welcoming her into the upper level.

"Wow, you got another living room up here." Blair's wandering eyes landed on the couch.

"Yeah. The one downstairs is for fucking business and parties. And this one," I gestured to where she was looking, "is for hanging out mostly, and…" Why did I have to be so nervous?

"Hookups?" She looked at me with raised brows and a smirk.

I laughed nervously, moving to the fake fireplace and turning it on. Why didn't I just say no? She probably thought I was a slut or something. "Sit down if you want. Do you want a drink? I'd love a fucking drink right now."

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks, though." She replied, sitting down on the sofa and relishing the feeling of it.

"I need some fucking water." I rushed to the mini-fridge and pulled out a bottle.

Turning back to face Blair, she was looking at me in confusion. "You OK?"

"What?" That was all I thought to reply with.

"You seem kind of…" she paused, trying to figure out her words, "on edge."

"I do?" My hands played with the water bottle.

"Yeah, you've included the word 'fucking' in every sentence since we got up here." She allowed herself to smirk.

Subliminal, Blair. I like it.

Fuck, I dragged my mind out of the gutter and practically rushed to the couch. "Oh, it's just...tomorrow. The nerves, you know." I sat on the other end of the sofa, took a gulp of water and made myself comfortable.

Blair turned to face her body towards me. "Am I wrong, or was Ed Sheeran downstairs??"

"Yeah, he was. It's kind of a long story, actually." I laughed. "You a fan?"

"No, not really," Blair replied.

"Good, me neither. Not really into the whole wedding dance song vibe."

"Me too." She groaned, "If I hear Thinking out loud at another wedding, girl, I'm just...I dunno."

"I get it. 100%"

"Well, enough about him," Blair sat up straight, a bright smile on her face. She laughed for a moment before even speaking, "Fuck, I was just about to ask what you've been up to." She gestured a hand around the room, "I mean, duh."

"Yeah," I returned the laugh, "It's pretty much just that. This project has taken up most of my life over the years."

"God, I remember reading in the paper...fuck, I can't remember the exact title. It was this tiny article just squashed into a corner. 'Scientist seeks to prove the existence of other realities.' Yeah, it was something like that. And…" She shrugged, "I just knew it was you. And, I knew you'd go far."

I felt the blush creep onto my skin. Hearing this from Blair felt otherworldly.

"I mean, I knew before. When you told me at Prom, I knew you'd be able to do it." She added.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Just hearing how you talked about it. Like, you really believed in yourself. It made me believe too." She swapped around the legs she crossed.

"It was hard. Trying to get people on board with everything. Not a lot of people believed it was even possible in the beginning." I unscrewed the cap from the bottle of water. "And now look at me; I got the government behind this whole thing." I shrugged and took a sip of the water. Before she could go on, I took the conversation on another route. "But what about you? Where are you in life?"

I knew where she was in life. Hadn't I Facebook stalked her not too long before?

"Well, it sounds far fetched, but I'm trying to get into the music scene." Blair sat back in her seat, eyes wandering off, looking at nothing in particular.

"You always did like performing," I noted. "Starting out in the school playgrounds. Soon you'll be playing an Arena with a sold-out show."

Did I sound cheesy? Was I too much of a kiss ass? Because to me, this was honesty. I always thought Blair had the potential to be a famous singer. She had the voice, the looks, style and personality. Who wouldn't want her as part of their label?

Fuck, it only hit me that I could have gotten her a spot to perform at the event.

Blair had stood, a small sigh emitting her lips. "An Arena? Imagine that." She smirked for a moment, stepping away from the couch. For a hot second, I thought I had stepped on territory I shouldn't have, and she was leaving. But she made her way to the window, staring out over New York. So I naturally went too. "Well, I've just been singing around bars for a while now, even had 2 gigs. Nothing too amazing." She explained. "I mean, I know you say Arena and all, but, actually, I wouldn't wanna be that big. I just...want people to hear my music."

Her smile faltered somewhat, and it spoke volumes. It wasn't happening fast enough for her, the growing number of ears that would someday listen to her words. She wanted it all now.

I sidestepped a bit closer. My fingers were so close to brushing against hers, then stopping myself in realising that was too much. "It does take time, these things. I mean, I didn't get here overnight. It will happen, Blair." She flashed me a gracious smile, and I was glad she didn't find any of that condescending. That was not my aim. "Anyway, I'd love to hear your music."

"You would?" Blair cocked her head to the side, turning more to face me, her hand on the window cill closer to mine.

"Of course," I reply. She should've known that anyway.

"Well, I'm not gonna break out into song for you right now. But I have a few videos on my Facebook. You should add me." She suggested.

I had never opened Facebook so fast. "There. I sent you a request." I scrolled through her timeline, my back now to the window, "Lemme see."

"Oh, God. Please don't. Not right now." Blair panicked.

I lifted my gaze, my eyes almost wide. Blair St Clair, the girl who wasn't hesitant to approach a mic, was embarrassed. I found this to be adorable and oddly made me feel more relaxed. "Don't be shy, Blair. I'm sure they're great."

"Brianna, don't." No joke, Blair attempted to snatch my phone away like a child.

I found it highly amusing. "Why not?" I smiled mischievously.

Blair continued her protests, trying to swipe at the phone more and more, all while laughing nervously.

Eventually, my teasing led to a chase. I still scrolled her Facebook as I ran around the room, Blair behind me.

"Which one should I look out for?" I stood at one end of the couch.

Blair stood at the other end, letting out a pant. "Brianna, you better not."

I stepped to the right, throwing her off, and she ran to her left, ready to run straight at me and take the phone out of my hand.

But I tricked her. When I took that step to the right, I pulled back and moved to the left instead. And without thinking, I threw myself down on my bed.

Before I could even get up, Blair was already there, too, crawling towards me. She reached for my phone, still pleading with me to stop.

And finally, giving the current circumstances, I gave in. "OK, OK. You win. I won't play your music in front of you." I giggled mischievously, shuffling so my back was against my headboard. "You're gonna have to remind me to check it out, though."

Blair remained at the bottom of my bed, kicking her heels off and folding them like a pretzel. It was as if we were teenagers again, catching up on all the hanging out we never got to do. She fluffed out her hair, "God, Brie, I came here to have a good time. Not to work out. Why are you still looking at your phone?"

Now that I was on her profile, scrolling back to the top, I saw a familiar picture. "Wow, this George guy's kind of cute."

Blair smiled warmly, her eyes looking upwards. And I had the slightest sinking feeling she was about to tell me this was her fucking lover or husband.

"Ah...George. What a guy." Blair blinked. "He does music too. If you like my stuff, then you'll like his too. He's got this song Gimme Love. It's my favourite."

"Is he your boyfriend?" There was no hesitation in asking.

Her brows briefly crossed. "What? No. He's one of my closest friends. Really helping me find places to perform. He's just...really cool."

I mouthed a silent 'Oh' before going on and cocking my head to the side, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Was it normal to ask shit like this? Maybe it was. But considering I had confessed to her I liked her very much in that accidental message, perhaps I shouldn't have said it at all. Didn't want her getting sus.

I got the feeling she knew I was trying to find a way in as she raised a brow at me, the corners of her mouth turning upwards. "Nah, Brie. I'm done with boys."

I lowered my phone. That could have meant anything;

She was strictly into girls;

She had just gotten out of a bad relationship with someone, and she was going through that typical 'men are trash' phase;

She used the term 'boys' when referring to immature fuck boys who still thrived in toilet paper bombing people's houses and still fought with feminists online. She was now looking for 'a real man' who would love and respect her.

She wasn't speaking, just lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Before the silence could go on and get awkward, I shifted in my own spot. "Do you wanna elaborate on that?"

"Oh. Yeah, if you want to hear it." She said like she didn't want to, and before I could stop her, she went on, "Well, the last was Conrad. He cheated on me. Before him, there was Ethan. I found out he'd talk shit about me to all his meathead buddies, said that my ass wasn't big enough. Then Bryce with his superior attitude. And…" she sighed, "Fucking Trevor."

Just hearing his name did something to me. I could feel how my shoulders had tensed, how the breath got stuck in my throat for a moment. But my ability to talk was unaffected because I spoke up, "I remember you saying he was controlling." I moved away from my headboard, shuffling closer to her, so close she could have put her head in my lap if she wanted.

Blair nodded, "he was," she breathed out a sigh, "I can't believe I'm even admitting this, but after high school, I started seeing him again. He promised me he would change, that things would be different. And I always feel like such an idiot for believing him."

That was upsetting. My hand squeezed in a fist. "So, what was the final straw? The thing that made you end things for the last time?"

Blair took in a deep breath, rolling over onto her front and propping her head upon her hands. She looked up at me with sad eyes. "He was just the same, Brie. Always controlling me, telling me how to act, who I could and couldn't hang out with. He was like that from the beginning to the end. I mean, you remember how he reacted about that one sex-ed class? And that time, he yelled at me in front of everyone for not sitting with him at lunch one day?"

I had no idea about the last thing. And I wasn't even surprised. Trevor was that type of guy, and you just knew it within the first few minutes of meeting him.

I was curious to know, but I kind of already had a feeling. Yet, I needed clarification. "Is that why you never came back to the library? Because he knew people would talk if you were seen with the school loser?" She leaned up now, but I continued. "Is it why you never came to speak to me about the prom?"

Blair was just watching me in silence. But I could see it, the realisation in her face.

"Fuck." She sat up and moved closer to me. "Oh my gosh, Brianna. I am so sorry. I had...no idea it would hurt you." We were both face to face, and she put her hands on mine, her eyes apologetic. She cussed, briefly looking away. "Fuck, I knew you hated me. The years of silence, of course, you did."

"Wait, no. Stop. I'm sorry. I don't wanna make you feel like a bad person. That's not what I wanted to do." I said profusely, my hands tightening just slightly.

"No, no. I'm sorry. You have every right to be upset." She spoke quietly, her blue eyes pleading with me. "Just be honest with me. I owe you that. You deserve to be heard."

"Really, Blair, it's fine. It's - -"

"Brianna. You're upset. You're not really good at hiding it, no offence." She smirked at the last comment. But the smile disappeared, and she waited for my response.

I stared back at her, my gaze shifting between both those eyes. My mind debated what to do, refuse to say a thing and let it all continue to build up. Or vent years of pent up emotions that needed to be said.

I looked away, deciding the latter decision was probably the best. I really didn't want to, what with the risk of upsetting her.

But maybe she wouldn't.

But maybe she would.

But maybe…

Her hand left mine and swept a strand of hair away from my face. I didn't even know it was there. "You're really hurt, Brie," she spoke softly.

I looked back to her finally, her hand lowering back down. And I finally found my voice. "OK." I shifted in my spot, highly uncomfortable. Come on, Brie. Just tell her.

"Do you remember the prom? When you asked me how we never talked more?" Just say it. "Because I always felt inadequate. Like I wasn't enough for you. And, not just you, even my…" I paused, feeling the lump form in my throat, "...my parents. Ummm…" saying that out loud to her, it hit differently. My voice was cracking. "I always associated you with my parents. I don't know where the connection came from, and I know now that that's fucked up, and I know I probably should go to a therapist about that, but..." I quickly explained. "But yeah, I just...never felt enough. Like 'why would Blair the cheerleader want to associate with someone like me? How could Blair ever love someone like me??'"

Fuck, it just slipped out. I studied her face for a reaction, expecting her to back away.

But she didn't. She just nodded in understanding, squeezing my hand reassuringly.

"But, um...I know now. It wasn't that you didn't care. It was just...fucking Trevor." I practically growled that name.

Blair breathed out a laugh, rolling her eyes. "Fucking Trevor."

"Yeah, fuck that asshole," I allowed myself to smile before continuing on. "I just... didn't understand how hard that actually was for you."

"It was very hard. God, it bothered me so much because I really did have a soft spot for you, Brianna. I really did, ever since we were kids." Blair smiled warmly. "And that's why I'm so glad you replied to my message. After all these years."

I gulped, thinking about that damn message, and now seeing her loving smile. "Y-You didn't think it was weird?"

Blair sighed, yet her smile remained. "Brianna. Do you think I'd be sitting here if it was?" She moved her hand to my elbow, up my shoulder, caressing my cheek gently.

I almost said something. I couldn't even remember what it was. Not that it mattered because I didn't get the chance. The moment I had been waiting for, it was happening. Her face was moving closer to mine, eyes slowly closing. And as soon as I felt her lips brush against mine, the feeling of her touch caused the butterflies in my stomach to flutter. I closed my own eyes and accepted what was happening.

The kiss my teenage self craved, dreamed about even.

It was reality.

We hadn't just slipped into some other world.

This was real life. The feeling of her hand on my cheek, that was real. The butterflies in my stomach fighting against the walls, also real.

And how I lifted my hand and held her face, also real.

She pulled away first, but her lips were still close, "was that OK?"

"Yeah," I moved my face back towards hers, initiating another kiss. I was savouring every bit of this moment. The sweet taste of her was too much to not let go of.

But she pulled back again, letting herself fall back against the mattress. I stared at her for a few seconds. Fuck, this was happening. Something inside me was hesitant to do this. The nerves, the fear of not being enough for her.

Blair reached out for my hand, and I knew I was just overthinking again. I took her hand and allowed her to pull me down to her.

Lowering my face to hers, I kissed her again, more hungrily this time. For a second, I didn't know where to go from there, still so in disbelief that my luck had turned around.

When I pulled away, my hand travelling down the side of her face. "Oh my God...is this real?"

"Of course it is." Blair giggled, her hands roaming up and down my back.

"OK. Good!" I panted, moving my kisses to her cheek, then her neck, and I could feel my heart beating a bit faster.

But because I am Brianna Caldwell, the most awkward person to have ever lived, I had to go on with the questions. "Hey, Blair, can I ask you something?" I kept my lips where they were.

"Mhmm?" She purred when I kissed that point where her neck met her shoulder. The pathetic noise she made almost made me melt, I swear to God.

"Were you…" come on, Brie, just say it, "were you gonna kiss me at the prom?"

She chuckled, "Yeah. But Trevor had to be an insecure loser."

I appreciated the cute giggling sound she made.

I lifted my head away from her skin and leaned up. I looked at her with a raised brow.

Blair was smiling still, but I knew she was getting impatient.

"So...you like-liked me back then too? Even when I was ugly?" I asked.

"Brianna, you were never ugly." Blair's brows connected, a hand stroking up and down my side. She really was getting needy. "And yes. I always like-liked you. God, that's so cute. You still say like-like." She took my hands and guided them to the knot tight at the side of her wrap dress.

"Shut up. Fuck, you're so beautiful." My hands began to untie the knot while I lowered my face and kissed along her clavicle and the only bit of exposed chest I had access to.

"Fuck. If only you knew how long I wanted this." Blair mewled. "I didn't think this was ever gonna happen. Even when I saw you and Juju out on the balcony, I was like...fuck. I'm too late."

Confusion immediately took me over. I pulled back again, looking down at her. A brief flash of frustration appeared on her face, but I ignored it. "Wait. What?"

"Yeah, I just…" Blair looked away for a moment as if debating on continuing or not, "always saw how you were around her. Always so happy. Like you were on top of the world. And I just didn't want to get in the way of that."

Her hand was trailing along my thigh, but I ignored it.

"Wait...Jujubee?" I knew that's who she was talking about, but even the sound of her name, it made something inside hurt. Not a hurt that she caused. Something...so different yet familiar at the same time.

"Yes. I never saw you that happy around anyone else…" Blair leaned back, balancing against my propped knees. "I mean, the prom? The way you looked at me, it was nothing compared to when you're with her. With Jujubee, it was...always so different."

Realisation dawned on me. I knew what she was getting at.

I opened my mouth to speak, ready to say I didn't like Jujubee in that way. But the words wouldn't surface. No matter how much I willed myself, I just couldn't. Even the thought of saying it made that feeling of hurt feel 10 times worse.

"You OK?" Her fingers danced around my thigh again, only with more wanting now.

"But…" I began, "I gave you my Valentine's card in first grade."

Now she was silent, her gaze shifting between both my eyes. She leaned up on both elbows, realising my questions weren't going to stop, and her pussy wasn't going to be eaten any time soon. She gave a nervous laugh, "um, no. You gave it to Jujubee."

I squinted my eyes. "No. I gave it to you, Blair."

"Girl, you gave it to me, and when I asked if it was mine, you shouted at me, saying it was for Juju and you just wanted me to check it out." She was laughing again. But seeing my still confused face, her smile began to drop. "You don't remember that?"

I was silent for a moment. Blair was in front of me, the love of my life, but all I could see was the image of Jujubee in my head. Her perfect little face, the way her eyes crinkled at the corners when she laughed, that bright smile, her silky black hair that always smelt so good.

I thought back, all the way back to that specific Valentine's Day. I remembered handing the card to Blair, her confused face, how the kids snickered as I stood there feeling sorry for myself. And Jujubee shouting at them all for making jokes.

But that was all.

"I... don't remember that," I spoke quietly, my eyes squinted.

"Not even the card she gave you?"

My eyes widened at that. "She did what?"

"Yeah, she gave you a card."

Now that she mentioned it, there was a flicker of an image in my head; something pastel pink. My tiny painted fingers holding a heart shape. Baby Brianna smiling, only to lift her head and see the other kids making fun.

"Oh, shit…" I whispered. I climbed off Blair and got up from the bed.

I was on the verge of pacing, my hand in my hair, "Oh my God."

"Don't be embarrassed, Brie." Blair was fully sat up in the bed now, her legs spread as if trying to beckon me back. "Not a lot of people can remember so far back."

I needed to prove if this was real or not. I'd call Jujubee. But then again, would she have even answered? If what Blair was saying was true, that explained why Jujubee was behaving the way she was. She was hurt. She was pissed because I didn't remember her card.

But how the fuck could I have forgotten something like that? All my life, that was all I ever wanted - to know I was loved by someone. Such a memory like that…

"Brie, are we...you know...gonna…" Blair spoke quietly.

My eyes widened. A memory like that. A memory that would be worth keeping.

I turned to face her. "Blair, wait here. I'll be right back."

"OK. Sure." Blair blinked a few times.

I wasted no time rushing downstairs. Taking a moment to observe the crowd, it seemed, quite a few guests had left already. At least it would make it easier to navigate.

I made my way to the kitchen. The memory box was still there. For a millisecond, I feared someone would have stolen it.

I took it to the counter, no one was around, so I felt safe enough to open it.

My nerves were wrecked as I lifted the latch to the box. I only had a small idea of the things that would be in here. Old photos, movie tickets, childhood drawings.

But I hadn't planned on opening it up so soon.

No. I needed to know the truth.

Opening it up, I saw a bunch of photos, tickets and pieces of folded up paper. I removed them, planning to possibly look at them at a later date.

The more I pulled out, the more confident I felt that Blair had got it all wrong. And she was the one who remembered things differently.

But there was a flash of pink at the bottom of the box. I gulped, pushing aside the scraps of paper burying it.

And there it was; A pastel pink heart-shaped card, 'Happy Valentines Day' writing in glitter gel pen on the front. "Shit…" I said quietly, pulling the card out.

Opening it up, I breathed out a puff of air.

'Dear Brianna, I know people in class are mean and say nasty things. But I think you are the prettiest girl in the world. Happy Valentine's day. Love from Juju xxx'

I could hear the younger version of myself reading it out loud, the insults from the other kids, Jujubee yelling at them because they were just jealous.

I put the card down as I realised Blair was right. And memories resurfaced, reading completely different.

That Valentines Day in which she refused to tell me who she had eyes for

That time she didn't invite me to stay for dinner.

How her smile would drop every time I mentioned Blair.

How I never danced with her at the prom

And finally, our recent argument.

It all made sense. Jujubee was in love with me. And instead of recognising it earlier on, I was too caught up with Blair to see it.

And what about me? How did I feel about her? Yeah, Jujubee was my one and only friend. She had gotten me through so much throughout the years. If it weren't for her, who knew where I would have been.

I couldn't pinpoint any time that I had thought of her as more than just a friend.

Well, maybe the times we'd lie in bed and just...stare into each other's eyes. Or the time she held me as I sobbed into her chest after the incident at the prom. Or maybe the times she'd smile, and it would brighten up my day. Or the exact day that I noticed how cute it was when her lashes fluttered.

Or…

My eyes met the heart-shaped card again, how the very sight of it made my heart skip a beat.

"Fuck." I ran my fingers through my hair as it was clear to me.

My eyes ventured away from the card, moving to the scraps of paper.

'Grandpa's tips for life'

My hand told me to examine the piece of paper further, so I did so.

At the top of the list, there it was. A sign.

'Go get her, kiddo. You've got nothing to lose.'

I needed to tell her.

I packed the box up and quickly left the kitchen, noting that a few more people had left.

"Blair!" I called, rushing up the stairs.

She was still there, laying in the bed, in just her white lacey lingerie.

I covered my eyes. "Oh my God. That was unexpected."

"Fuck. Sorry. I kind of had a feeling that would have been inappropriate." She asked.

"What? No. You're fine. I just... wasn't prepared for that." I stuttered, still covering my eyes. "Could you just...cover-up for a second."

"OK." I heard her say. "You can look now."

I looked back. She did pull the duvet up, but just below the wire of her bra.

"OK," I breathed out, trying to ignore her cleavage, "I think you're right about Jujubee."

"You think?"

"Yes," I replied before shaking my head profusely. "No. I know. You're right, Blair. I...I like her. Maybe even love her." Fuck, saying that out loud, it did something to me, "And yes, I liked you for so long, but you're right. I was always happiest with her."

I was expecting her to be disappointed, but she smiled. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

"What?"

"Go get her."

Grandpa's words reiterated.

"You're not upset that we're not gonna have sex right now?"

"No, Brie." Blair threw back the covers, picking up her gold wrap dress off the floor, "I already learned how to deal with it. Knowing you belonged to someone else." She wrapped her body up in the dress effortlessly, fluffed out her hair and turned to look at me again. "I know you're meant to be with her. So, go. Go tell her now before it's too late."

Despite this revelation, I couldn't help but feel like a dick. Blair was smiling, but I knew she had to feel some level of hurt. I walked towards her and brought her into a hug.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you, Brie," Blair whispered in my ear.

I only held her tighter, "Don't be," and I pulled away, my hands still on her shoulders, "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have ever opened my eyes."

I kissed her on the cheek, and she smiled warmly. I turned to leave, and before I made my way downstairs, I looked at her once more. Her hand was on her face where my lips had been. I was glad I could give her that one last kiss, just something to hold on to.

"You really helped me, Blair," I said.

"Good." She said graciously. "Now go."

The urgency in her voice only fueled my determination.

I was under no time limit, but I couldn't help but want to reach Jujubee as soon as possible.

When I was outside, I shouted for the first cab I saw. Thankfully it pulled over. I got in and pulled out my phone.

But the car was still.

"Go! Drive!" I raised my voice.

"Lady. You haven't even told me where you're headed!" The cabbie turned in his seat.

Fuck, I sounded crazy. How he hadn't thrown me out was beyond me.

I only realised that I had no idea where my destination was. Jujubee could have been anywhere.

The driver was still looking at me, his patience growing thin. So I barked out Jujubee's address.

He seemed relieved to be on the road again. Only then was I aware of the honking cars behind us. Typical for New York, but this was too much.

I found Jujubee's number, trying my luck at the chance she'd answer.

It rang.

And it rang.

And it rang some more.

"Come on, come on," I repeated quietly to myself. Relax, Brie. It's not like she's catching a plane to the furthest state.

The phone went straight to voicemail. "Fuck!"

The cab driver glared at me in the rearview mirror.

I ignored him and tried again. Still nothing.

A few minutes passed, and I tried once more. But again, my luck was shit on.

I dropped my hands to my lap, sighing frustratedly. All I could do was just see if she was home.

My eyes trailed to beyond the window, just hoping to get there as soon as possible.

And there she was. Walking out of a pizza place, a solemn look on her face.

"There she is," I said aloud to myself before turning my attention to the cab driver. "Stop! Pull over!"

He came to a grinding halt. "Jesus Christ, lady! You really need to stop all that yelling and - -"

I handed him a $20 bill, "keep the change. Thank you."

I got out of the vehicle, eyes looking to where Jujubee once was. She was gone.

"Fuck." I looked down one path, not there. And looking down the other, there was Jujubee, rounding the corner and eating a slice of pizza.

I ran in my heels, people moving out of the way to dodge me.

I knew I was an inconvenience to so many, but Jujubee at that moment was my priority.

Rounding the corner, I saw she didn't get far. I couldn't help but bend over for a hot second, trying to catch my breath.

And when I recovered, I shouted out, "Jujubee!"

She turned, eyes wide like she had never heard my voice before. And when she saw it was me, her face sort of fell.

My hand reached into my bag, and I pulled out the Valentines Day card.

She looked confused at first, but then recognition settled in. And the disappointment was replaced with fear.

I stopped panting. And finally, I could speak. "You were right. Approval; That's all I ever wanted. And I thought that if Blair gave that to me, I'd be good enough. Because I never felt that. I never felt good enough. I wasn't good enough for Blair, I was never good enough for my parents, and I'd never be good enough for anyone."

Jujubee was silent for a moment, eyes falling to the pavement and then back up again. "You were good enough for me."

I breathed out. "I know. But I was...too caught up in my own shit to think about how you felt. Too caught up that...I didn't even think about how I felt." I paused, thinking of how the fuck I should say it. No, I didn't need to think. This wasn't some cheesy movie. "I...I love you, Juju."

She let out a breath, a shaky one like she was on the verge of tears. And her eyes became glossy. I really wanted to tell her not to cry, to be happy. But this moment, she wanted this all her life.

A tear slipped down her cheek, but she laughed. "Fuck, I got this fucking pizza 'cause I needed heartbreak food."

I returned the laugh. "Hey, it's OK. You can still eat it. It can be normal pizza."

"No. I'm not even hungry anyway." Jujubee admitted, passing the pizza to a random passerby (who was taken by surprise but accepted the free food anyway).

Jujubee walked towards me. I smiled, already smelling that sweet perfume.

But she pushed me back. "Fuck you for forgetting about the card. I knew you did. I always remembered yours."

"I'm so sorry. I don't know why I forgot. But," I paused, "Blair reminded me."

"She did?"

"Yep."

"Wow. She remembered. But you didn't."

"Yeah. I'm...really really sorry."

"Wow. Is this our first couple fight?" Jujubee put her hands on her hips.

"It could be. If... that's what you want to call us." I suggested.

"Perfect. Seal the deal?" She raised a brow.

I knew where this was going. "Oh, absolutely."

Jujubee stepped closer, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pressed her lips against mine. And that unfamiliar spark coursed through me, like it came from somewhere inside her and travelled through my body.

And I didn't care for the fact we were in the middle of the street, probably inconveniencing others. All that mattered was the happiness coursing through me, the feeling of...being complete.

I pulled out of the kiss first. "Wanna get in that rocket and be the first to go to the other world?"

Jujubee smiled but quickly stopped. "I-I'm kinda unprepared. I mean... I'd need a toothbrush, my clothes..."

"Where we're going...you don't need 'em." And then I played the words back in my head. "Oh. Oh shit, no. Not in that context. I just meant... you'd get new ones, you know? Fuck, I'm terrible at this."

"No. You're just you." Jujubee laughed, and fuck, I adored how her eyes were crinkling at the corners.

We grabbed the nearest cab. When we told him where we were going, his eyes widened. It would be a journey. But we paid upfront, so the driver remained silent.

When we got to base, I almost cursed myself for not thinking about how we'd access all the areas.

But there was that mastercard. And they couldn't say no. They knew who I was, after all.

When we were in the gowning area, Jujubee and I helped each other into spacesuits. I was high with anticipation, ready to see what was on the other side, ready to do it all with Jujubee.

This was our dream.

Jujubee grabbed two helmets. One for her and one for me. She tossed it my way, and I caught it.

"Ready to go?" She asked.

"Absolutely." I extended my hand, and we made our way to the door.

The cold cool air was refreshing. My eyes travelled up and down the rocket. It was bigger than I imagined, and for a small second, I felt worthless. Like I was just Brianna Caldwell, a girl from a small town with no real purpose in this world.

But Jujubee slid her hand into mine. And I was reminded that all I had to do was shut my inner demons up. Because I did have a purpose. And I was something to someone. As long as I had her, that was all that mattered.

Jujubee smiled mischievously, pulling me along the bridge, leading me to the already opened door. She ducked down and climbed into the small space, and I followed.

It was disorientating at first, what with the rocket facing the sky. I feared I'd fall trying to get into my seat. But Jujubee continued to pull me along.

When we were seated, I wasted no time putting on my helmet and initiated the activation process.

I could feel Jujubee's smirk as I flicked at switches and pressed buttons. It only fueled my excitement.

A voice came through the radio, one of the engineers. We were bombarded with questions, demanding to know what we were doing, how it was too early for take off with no press to film it, all sorts of complaints.

But we didn't care.

When everything seemed ready to go, I put my hand on the lever. But before I pulled, I turned my head to her.

"Ready to see the flying horses?" I raised a brow.

"Just as ready as I am for the cats that bark." She breathed out a laugh through her nostrils.

With another smile, I pulled the lever. The ship was rumbling now, and my stomach was doing somersaults.

We both turned our attention to the sounds of protest from the engineers. They were livid now, shouting about how the media wasn't going to like this.

I lifted my hand up, flipping the source of the sound off. Jujubee cackled to my delight.

I put the intercom on mute. And the ship took off. Mom was gonna kill me for this. I'd definitely bring her back a gift. A new vase, maybe? Yeah. A vase from an entirely new world. Something new.

I looked forward, unable to see the ground below us. How high were we already? How long was left until we reached that crossover, the gateway?

My question was answered as the ship was illuminated by a bright light.

We did it, Grandpa. We did it.

[taintjisung]

[08:18] seunglix

kinks: phone sex, innocence

words: 1798

top: felix

seungmin: can i ask a question?

that didn't make felix anxious at all. he sucked in a deep breath, and slowly to avoid typos, wrote his response.

felix: of course, go ahead

seungmin opened the message immediately, but was typing for almost ten minutes, and felix closed the app, not wanting to leave him on read for a bit if the question was too hard. he called his friend, jeongin, and the two waited together as the message finally came through.

seungmin: okay i don't want this to sound weird but like how does it work? im new to this whole guy thing idk not like relationships or waitwait no you know what i mean like how would we yknow AH i made zero sense

felix couldn't help himself. reading the message, he started laughing, startling a curious jeongin who was eager to hear the response.

felix: sex?😂

seungmin: yes hsjkds

felix: you've never watched porn?

seungmin: porn is illegal in korea...

felix: o h

felix: is it illegal if i send you a video?

seungmin: WAIT SHIT WHAT

felix: porn, seungmin.

seungmin: oh my god i thought you meant NVM

felix: i mean, would you rather that? that's not illegal, we're both adults... and we have been dating quite a while too

seungmin: oh my god wait

seungmin: YOU'RE SO STRAIGHTFORWARD I WANT TO CRY

felix: cute

seungmin: I'M NOT CUTE SHUT UP

felix: you're a virgin huh:( probably never kissed anyone before:( so cute:(

seungmin: STOP TEASING ME

felix: why should i? i bet you like it

seungmin: and what aBOUT it

"uh, in..." felix chuckled as he opened the message. "i might have to hang up for a bit."

"leave me out of it," he responded quickly, closing the call. poor kid caught on immediately, turning bright red as felix laughed at the three beeps that sounded before the call app closed.

felix: have you ever been cared for before baby? has anyone ever laid you down and pleasured you, not made you move a muscle until you came?

seungmin: i've never cum at all

felix: do you want me to teach you?

seungmin: yes, sir.

a shiver ran down felix’s spine. shit, he could feel his pants tightening around him at the honourific; he had no idea he liked it before.

felix: why don't you call me so you can use both hands baby?

now it was seungmin’s turn to let goosebumps grow in his skin as he sucked in a deep breath, heading to his bedroom. he shared it with his friend, minho, but the boy was out with his friends. he had plenty of time.

seungmin: okay

incoming call from hyung💕

answer decline

"hey, baby," felix let his smile grow, keeping his voice low and soft for the virgin.

"hey," seungmin responded calmly, though his heart was absolutely racing as he bit his lip. this was the first time felix was hearing his voice, and it thrilled him.

"do me a favour and wash your hands first, okay?" felix requested gently. "and bring back a cup of water. trust me on this."

seungmin nodded though the boy couldn't see, and obeyed his request, locking the door once he reentered the room and dimming the lights. gently he laid down, waiting patiently for more instruction.

"i want you to slowly undress. make sure you feel every bit of your skin as you take your shirt off. then your trousers... but not your pants until I say so, okay?"

seungmin hummed in response, and trying to follow his orders gently slid his hands up his tummy, closing his eyes as he reached around his back, pulling the fabric off over his head as if in slow motion. he dropped it to the floor beside him, and his hands resumed on his stomach, this time moving downward, underneath the hem of his sweatpants. they generously roamed his newly exposed skin as he pushed the two apart, and in no time he was almost naked in his bed.

"done," he hummed, hands now dormant on his waist, keeping his naked skin warm in the cool conditioned air around him.

"think about me between your legs," felix told quietly, starting to touch himself, too. "and grab your bulge. don’t take your pants off just yet, just enjoy the pressure. imagine your hand as mine."

seungmin nodded softly, leaning into his hand as his fingers curled around his throbbing length, begging to be set free. it almost ached, and felix could tell as he let out a thick moan.

"hm... take it out now."

seungmin could cum just from felix’s demanding tone. He did as he was told, and the heat that transferred between his touching skin sent a shock through him. he was so sensitive; it was his first time, and the smallest stimulation had his knees weak, voice straining with moan after moan.

"give it a few slow strokes. then you can take your pants off."

seungmin was almost scared to listen, but he did, and once he was completely naked he could see that with how hard he was, there was no going back.

"are you on your back? lean against your pillows and bring your knees up."

"okay," he sighed, shifting his position as he laid the phone beside him. “okay."

"you’re okay," felix cooed. "i’m gonna make you feel really good, okay? all you have to do is relax and listen. now, take your other hand and put two fingers in your mouth."

seungmin hummed as he did so to let the younger know he was listening, and fulfilled orders of how exactly he was to do it.

"do you know how anal works, love?" felix followed up gently, and seungmin hummed quietly as a blush spread across his cheeks. "i want you to do that. prep yourself. one finger at a time, keep your hands slippery and wet. remember to take it easy and slow, be careful. you’re treating yourself."

felix was patient as seungmin nervously tested his boundaries, letting his fingertip massage the skin around his entrance before slowly pushing it in, gasping at how cold his hands were and how tight his body was, making it hard to get past his entrance.

"it’s okay, baby," the gentle words went straight to his dick, and seungmin couldn't deny he loved to be treated. taken care of. "you’re doing amazing. such a good boy for lixie, hm?"

seungmin let the praise soothe him as he slowly stroked himself, letting the pleasure override the pain of a second finger already.

"slow down, slow down," felix commanded. "don’t rush your first time, okay?”

"okay," seungmin sighed, but stuck to one finger, slowly massaging the inside of himself, letting it start to feel good.

"when you're ready, start looking for a pressure point, okay? when you hit it, it's gonna feel really good. but you have to be patient and relaxed."

fuck, that sounded exciting. seungmin didn't want to be patient anymore as he pushed in another finger, his hand in further, looking for it.

"where?" he panted, bucking his hips into his hands.

"gentle. slow," the elder reminded. "everyone is different, so don't get upset if yours is hard to find. mine is maybe... five and a half centimetres in? directly straight up. go until you can't go anymore without turning and it should be right there."

"wow, so informative. i feel like i’m getting directions to mcdonald's," seungmin joked, making felix laugh softly and he couldn't help but smile at the sound. god, felix’s laugh was so... beautiful. like music to his ears. he really was in love with this boy.

seungmin hummed softly as he gently pushed his hand in further, almost up to his second knuckle. he pulled away, then thrusted back in, using the momentum to push it further. his groan of discomfort quickly turned into a moan of pleasure as he found the spot, legs turning to jelly as his brain switched off, hand pulling out only to slam back in.

"hey, hey, slow down, baby. i know it feels good but you don't want to cum so soon, do you?"

"for you," seungmin panted, and in his tone felix could tell he was already braindead from the pleasure, moaning loudly as he moved his body with his arm.

"so deep in your headspace already..." felix tutted with a smirk on his face. "just for me, hm?"

"just for you, fuck, for you, just for you,” seungmin repeated, not even caring when his climax began to chase him; he sped both his hands, chasing it right back as he babbled nonsense, wanting so badly to grab onto something, anything, but hands preoccupied he squeezed his thighs together.

"fuck, felix," he cried, making the elder shiver at the utter sound that just came out of his mouth.

"cum for me, baby boy," felix groaned, speeding up as well and rocking his hips into his hand. fuck, this was better than any porn he'd ever watched, and he didn't even get visuals. yet.

seungmin rammed his hand forward harder, completely slamming into his prostate and forcing hot cum to shoot out of his head so strongly some hit his lips as he arched his back up. he didn't stop just yet, knowing the sounds he was making was getting the younger off as well. with that in mind, he let himself get louder, more desperate as he practically milked himself dry, whimpering at his touch.

he mistook the ceiling lights for stars as he cried felix’s name, grabbing onto the blankets beneath him as his body writhed and curled in pure ecstacy.

a slutty smile covered his face as he heard the same sounds of pleasure fall from felix’s lips as well, signifying he'd satisfied him just right.

"ugh, fuck," the boy hummed. "you’re so fucking amazing."

"aren’t i?” seungmin giggled, and shit, the things it was doing to felix.

finally seungmin stopped moving, pausing for a moment before falling limp with a heavy sigh. the last bit of cum was still leaking from his head, and his entire body felt good, craving to meet his boyfriend now more than ever, wanting the real thing. he could tell that felix was thinking the same as he chased his own high.

“god, when we meet,” he vocalised. “you’re gonna have to show me what positions you like, you can do anything to me,” he breathed.

“anything?” felix repeated. “can i tie you up and put marks all over you?”

“please,” he whined in response, not realising the things could be sexual but getting a thrill from the thought. “so i can’t move and let everyone know i belong to you.”

“when we meet, i’m gonna make you moan my name so loud they won’t have to see the bruises to know, they’ll hear you that night.” he groaned as he continued to get himself off, imagining all the things he could do to his boyfriend; “fuck, min, i’m gonna cum,”

“cum for me, baby, just like i did for you,”

felix was rather vocal as he obliged, humming lowly in ecstacy as he came into his hand, seungmin basking in the sound of his voice.

“you’re so fucking good, baby,” felix sighed. “come to me when you’re horny, i wanna hear your moans all the time, i wanna make you feel good,”

“i will, i will,” he promised, but as he opened his mouth to speak again the front door closed. “shit,” he suddenly scrambled to grab his clothes off the floor, not bothering for bottoms as he pulled on a sweater and pants. “minho is home, i gotta go,”

felix started laughing at the idea of the boy being walked in on as he bid him a loving goodbye, still thinking about seungmin long after hanging up.

[riyuu-bsd]

I Love You [Edgar Allen Poe x Reader]

"Edgar?" a feminine voice cooed, "Edgar?" The second call had more energy to it, the young lady stepping through the door to the apartment he had bought.

"(Y-Y/n)?" the male whispered, turning to face his friend, "I-I never expected to see you, o-oh dear, I would've tidied up if I ever expected to have you over, I-I'm so sorry for all the clutter-"

"Edgar, it's okay," she chuckled, "I don't mind."

The clutter of the room only seemed to add to the effect of how "him" it was. The walls were dark, painted a blackish-grey, curtains drawn closed and the rooms lit by a few candles he had littered around. The scent of lavender lingered around, the scented candle you had given him in order to help him sleep better obviously well taken care of. Karl lay asleep on the sleek black desk, the rather bulky chair he always kept around half under the desk, half out. She smiled to herself, looking at him fondly,

"Great to see you're feeling at home here in Japan," she chuckled, taking a seat at his desk.

"(Y-y/n), I have to work.." he whispered, motivated to finish the new novel he was working on but not wanting to brush off his closest friend.

"Edgarrrrrr," she whined, standing up and pulling him into a hug, "Please just spend the day with me.. I've missed you."

A shiver ran up his spine at their closeness, his arms wrapping around her feebly.

"I-"

"Or are you really gonna spend another six years trying to beat that guy, huh?" she whispered, "At least make time for me, Edgar, please.."

Her voice wavered heavily, cracking up at times. It nearly brought tears to his eyes, hearing her sound so hurt.

"A-alright, (Y/n)-Chan.." he cooed, the lady pulling away with a small smile as she whiped her eyes,

"Really? Oh that's great, Edgar!" she said, "Have you made any new friends?"

"I.. I think so.." he muttered, "There's Ranpo, after I showed him my novel he asked me to give him more puzzles sometimes.."

She hummed,

"Ah okay," she smiled, assured that the tall recluse would make time for her. He sat in his seat, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"It's been so long since we've talked.." he whispered,

"If you ever gave me your number, I could've called or messaged you," she whined slightly, leaning on the desk.

"I-I know.."

Before he could think, she had already picked up his phone and began punching her number into his contacts.

"Now you can call me!" she beamed brightly.

.

"So, what are we gonna do?"

"I.. Maybe.. I'm not sure.. Maybe we could go to a library of sorts?" he suggested, watching as she petted Karl adoringly.

"Could we not stay here?" she objected, "Maybe I could read the draft for your new book?"

"I- Okay.." he whispered, leaning over his desk to pick up the notebook he had drafted in. "I-it isn't all that good.."

"Edgar," she said curtly, "Stop doubting yourself; if it's written by you it's amazing,"

"I-" he began, cutting himself off as he felt himself blush,

"Actually," she began, looking up, "Can you read it out for me? I feel like it's better if I hear it from the author,"

"O-okay.." he muttered, retrieving the notepad and reading outloud what he had written.

As he did so, he noticed his close friend sit on the desk, swinging her legs lazily and looking at him encouragingly.

The first chapter he drafted went by, his voice steady and calm, completely emmersed in reading out to her.

"That's amazing!" She beamed, jumping off of his desk and sitting sideways on his lap, "I love it," she smiled.

The man blushed heavily, about to protest at her (in his opinion) bold action.

"Is it okay if I sit like this?" she cooed, voice barely above a whisper as she leaned into him, "It's more comfortable than on the desk and there are no more chairs,"

"I-I ca-can go g-get you a chair..!" he stammered, about to jump up and find one for her. She stayed still, leaning against his chest as she smiled slightly,

"It's comfortable like this.." she whispered, "But if you insist," she stood back up, the male still blushing madly.

.

Hurrying into another room to retrieve a spare chair for his close friend, the reclusive male began to panic,

"Oh dear.. She was so close.." he whispered frantically, "I- She-.." He attempted to string his feelings into a mental note to himself.

Eyes scanning the room, he found no trace of a chair.

Of course, he wouldn't mind her sitting like that with him were it not for his nerves.

He could barely speak when she was sat so close.

"Edgar?" she cooed, peeking through the doorway. She stepped behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and cuddling him, "Could you not find one?" she sighed, the man stiffening under her hold as he turned around to face her.

"(Y-y/n).." he whispered, blushing madly,

"What is it, Edgar?" she cooed looking up at him, "Do you need help with anything?"

"I-N-no.." he breathed, relaxing slightly.

"Okay," she hummed, "Can we sit down?"

The way she said we sent a shiver of nerves down his spine,

"S-su-"

Before he could finish his answer, she had tugged him into the room they were in before, a smile bright on his face as he sat down, the lady cuddling up to him in his lap once more.

Poe couldn't quell the frantic beating of his heart as she remained so close to him, simply enjoying him being there.

"Edgar," she began, barely above a whisper, "You're really comfortable.. Can we do this more often..?"

His face flushed further,

"O-okay.." he nodded weakly, "(Y/n)..?"

"Mhm?" the lady nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck loosely,

"Th-there's something I should.. Probably tell you.." he muttered, looking at anything but her.

"What is it, Edgar?" she said with a small, encouraging smile,

"Well.. I.."

It was then that he rethought what he was doing.

He was confessing, right?

Of course.

But he was confessing to his best friend, who was currently hugging him.

Sure, it was something that gave him confidence in his feelings.

But it made him more nervous as he choked on words he couldn't quite say.

If she said no, it would only make everything so much more awkward.

If she said no, his confidence would be shattered. Worse than when he lost to Ranpo.

"Edgar.. You can tell me anything, you know," she coaxed, "You don't have to, but it might help yo-"

"I can't stand this, (Y/n)," he said suddenly, cutting her off, "I can't stand being so close to you when I know you'd never like me back,"

He sounded more confident, but his words were filled with anxiety and self doubt,

"I can't stand being like this when I know tomorrow you're just gonna treat me as a friend again tomorrow," he continued, voice edging further and further onto the line of being angry, "I can't stand beingg so close to you.. But if there's ever distance, it makes me feel sick.. Like I'm never going to be good enough to confess.."

"I-.." she whispered, not sure how to react.

"No," he snapped, lifting her off of himself, "Dont say anything,"

"Edgar I-"

"Don't call me that, (L/n)-San," he said coldly, "Don't give me hope like that."

He stood up,

"I'm going to my room, get comfortable or leave, I don't care," he hissed, turning away and leaving.

He knew he cared.

He knew he loved her; wanted to be with her.

But he couldn't let himself fall anymore than he already had.

"Poe."

Her voice was steady.

"We can talk about this," she continued,

"No we can't, (L/n)," the male snapped, turning on his heels o face her, "We can't work this out, okay? Not everything is gonna sort itself out, not everything gets better with time, not everything can be talked ove-"

"Fine," her voice seemed to waver slightly, "At least I know I tried."

Before he could think over what he said, she was gone.

Regret began to sink in, the weight of everything he said crashing down.

How could he be so rude to the only one who supported him over those long six years?

How could he snap at someone he cared about so much?

How could he say that to her?

Guilt began to consume him.

It riddled gaping holes in his already withered self confidence, tears pooling in his eyes,

"How could I ever.. How could I ever do that.. To her.." he whispered, staring at where she once stood, "How..?"

.

.

.

Days passed, dragging on unbearably slowly.

He felt choked by guilt, nothing else on his mind.

He thought over and over.

Things he could've done differently to stop it.

To have her still there with him.

But no.

He was horrible to the only person who had stuck with him. The only person who seemed to really care about his feelings.

And he shoved her away.

A loud knock on the apartment door ripped him from his thoughts, the male deciding to ignore it.

"Edga- Poe.. Please answer.. I know you're there.."

It was her.

Why?

Why did she still care about him?

"Poe please.. I know you think we can't talk things over, but I have to tell you at least one thing first.."

He longed to see her again.

Say he's sorry.

Tell her he didn't mean all the things he said to make her sad.

But how nervous seeing her would make him shattered him.

"I know you're listening, Poe.." she said once more, "Please let me in.."

He lifted himself up, unable to resist the thought of things being okay with her again.

He swung the door open, instantly leaning down slightly to hug her.

"I'm sorry, (Y/n)-Chan.. I'm so, so sorry.." he whispered, tears threatening to fall,

"It's okay, Poe," she cooed, rubbing soothing circles on his back as she stepped inside, weary to move too much or bother her close friend, "I'm sorry I acted the way I did, I shouldn't have been like that," she whispered.

The man stayed quiet, wrapping his arms around her tighter,

"I just.. I just wanted to try and let you know I like you.." she confessed, "I'm sorry I left you like that, I should've tried harder to help you,"

"You didn't do anything wrong.." he spoke up, "I shouldn't have snapped like that,"

Her words began to sink in. She loved him?

"It's okay," she cooed, leaning her head against his chest, "It's okay.. I'm here now.. You're here now.."

He nodded slightly, pulling away from the hug with a small smile.

"I.. I guess I never said it properly, huh..?" he whispered, face bright red, "I love you, (Y/n)."

"I love you too, Edgar," she smiled, planting a quick peck on his cheek and wrapping her arms around him once more.

[thispabulum-blog]

Pet Peeves, Dealbreakers, and Red Flags

Thoughtful Thursday

There's nothing quite like interacting with a large amount of people in a short time to really solidify what bugs the shit out of you.

Last Thursday we talked about the things that people filter out potential dates based on, and how I think a lot of them are dumb and arbitrary. I guess the only thing to do, then, is to talk about my own dealbreakers.

In profiles and messages:

As far as looks, I tend to swipe in an intuitive way. If they're not smiling in any of their pictures, that's a big No.  

If I see anything in a profile that suggests a guy is politically conservative, I swipe left.

There's a short list of names that I swipe left on automatically, mostly the names of my exes and family members. Sorry, it's just weird for me.

I'm not bothered by poly guys who post pictures with their current partners, but I DO get intimidated when I think their partners are more attractive than me. That's a personal hang-up, but it has stopped me from matching with people.

If there's a mention of drinking, drugs, sports, or working out in the first paragraph, I almost always swipe left - not because I have Hard Nos against any of those things inherently, but because if they're important enough to you to mention that prominently, they're probably a big part of your life and that's not going to work for me. 

As I've mentioned before, anyone who's antagonistic or defeatist in their profile is an immediate no - if you don't think you're worth it, why would I?

People who say "I hate filling these things out, if you want to know something just ask me". I JUST had a conversation with a guy about this. He sent me a message and was talking about how much he liked my personality based on my profile, and when I looked at his it was almost nothing.

Was I rude to this guy? Kinda. But I wasn't that into him based on his pictures, and had no indication that I'd be interested in talking to him.

I stand by it. It's disrespectful to put no information in your profile and expect the other person to do the work of coming up with questions to ask you. Even if you're a 10/10, how am I supposed to get interested in you if I know nothing?

I don't mind a short message as much as I used to. These days you have to have matched with anyone before you can message them, so there's already some level of implied interest. "Hey, how are you?" is basically just a placeholder to acknowledge the match, and gives me a chance to be reminded that you exist, and to take another look at your profile to see if there's anything I want to say or talk about. 

This one is gonna get nitpicky, and I'm not saying I'm never guilty of it myself, but it's hard to get invested in someone's profile when they're generic and vague. "I'm a laid-back guy, I like food and sports and travel." Yawn. I think it's a writer thing of show, don't tell.

"Laid back" is one of those things you can't really say about yourself.

"I like food" I would hope so? Tell me what KIND of food you like, your favorite foods or your favorite restaurants or your favorite recipes. Tell me about the best thing you ever ate. Tell me you've been really wanting to try more foods from different cultures. Any of those things tell me more about you than "I like food". You get the idea.

And in the same vein, it really bugs me when someone only describes themselves by listing the media that they consume. Saying you're a Star Wars nerd doesn't tell me much, because it's so mainstream. Do you have a wardrobe full of Star Wars shirts? Do you read Aurebesh? Do you make stop-motion LEGO Star Wars movies in your dining room? Do you collect Star Wars memorabilia? A girl needs to know.

Once I start talking to someone:

I try not to get too flirty. In my experience, the further you go in text, the less likely you are to actually meet up. Ymmv but that's a pattern I've seen a lot. Sometimes it's embarrassment, or a fear of not living up to expectations, or just the idea of like "Oh, are they going to expect me to actually want to DO all that stuff??"

I'm a nerd, so I'm still always going to care a lot about words. You don't have to spell everything perfectly or have a huge vocabulary, as long as I can understand you and you sound reasonably intelligent.  

I kinda hate small talk. If you just ask me how my day is going or what I'm up to, half the time I won't even respond.

Setting up dates is most often where things fall apart. I don't drive, so I'm really looking for solid enough good vibes from a person that I'd feel comfortable having them pick me up to take me somewhere. And usually it's not that they do anything terrible, but just that there's nothing clicking.

In-depth and in-person:

A general pet peeve I have (that is in no way specific to dates) is that I cannot stand people who are adamant that there's only one correct way to do something (dating, cooking music, art, life, etc.) - which happens to be the way that they do it - and that anyone who does things differently is dumb/wrong/naive/immature. 

I think it stems from a place of insecurity. These types of people have spent so much time trying to convince themselves (or having their parents/society/whatever convince them) that this specific way of doing something is the best, that they've swung too far in the other direction and have become mired in the idea that it's The Only Way. Nobody who lectures me about my lifestyle or choices is going any further.

In person, it's important to me that they can carry on a conversation and there aren't too many awkward silences. It's good when it doesn't just feel like an interrogation, but a more natural back-and-forth. Like my first date with Item 9:

We got all the way through dinner, and at some point I realized that I hadn't spent any time thinking about whether I was actually into him or not. It had just kind of...happened. 

If we're going out to eat, I don't care who pays, but it's annoying when it isn't established up front who's paying. I want to know what to expect. Like if I'm paying for my own food, I'm not gonna feel self-conscious about what I order (money-wise, idgaf calorie-wise). It can be a tricky area of conversation, because the expectations are weird. The best subtle way I ever handled it was my first date with Pollock, when I messaged him a few days before and said something like "I know we had planned on dinner and a movie, but my budget is tight this week so I can swing one or the other but not both" and he responded that he was planning on paying for everything as a general rule for first dates. Took the pressure off me immediately.

I haven't had a lot of dates so far this time around, and I'm thankful that nothing has been overwhelmingly bad yet.

Fingers crossed!

[sunamonosalad]

[main masterlist] || [series masterlist]

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summary: She needs someone to fact-check her written work, he needs to prove to his friends that he can commit to a relationship. The solution, obviously, is a contract that could benefit both of them. And if they end up catching feels? Well, shit.

pairing: Oikawa Tooru x reader

genre: fake dating, contracts, smut [DNI if you’re a minor (<18)], humour, slight coming-of-age tropes

disclaimer: I do not on any of the Haikyuu! characters. They rightfully belong to Haruichi Furudate. I don’t own any of the media in this smau unless otherwise stated and all credits go to the owner.

© All ideas and content otherwise belong to sunamonosalad 2021. No translations, reposting, and/or modifying of this fan work is allowed without my explicit permission.

"And that'll be the end of today's class. We will resume on Thursday. Have a good day everyone." 

The sounds of computers and tablets closing filled the lecture hall as students began to pack up, the mini tables attached to the chairs folding away with a loud thud as, slowly, they began to get up and stretch.

Y/N was one of these students, her arms stretching upwards with a groan.

Tuesdays and Thursdays held the longer classes--about 80 minutes long--during the week due to only having two days per week allotted to them. Normally, it was a tolerable length of time (though Y/N preferred her MWF classes since they were only 50 minutes long), but her Organic Chemistry class seemed to have the ability to slow down time. 

No matter how often she looked at the clock on the corner of her screen, the numbers remained the same even as it felt as if hours had already passed.

With a sigh and a shake of her head, Y/N grabbed her backpack and tugged it on as she exited the aisle right behind her seatmate, taking care not to lose him in the crowd of students slowly migrating out of the hall.

The next class held in her lecture room were gathered by the doors with some of the more keener students slipping past those exiting the hall to try and get a front row seat. Y/N never really understood those students--she couldn't fathom why anyone would choose to sit so close to the screens so much so that they had to crane their heads up to see the slides. She compared it to going to the movie theater and choosing to sit at the front rather than a seat where you could be comfortable the entire time.

Clicking her tongue as one of the keen students bumped into her shoulder in his hurry inside, Y/N grumbled internally. 

Sometimes some people just don't heed the unspoken rule of waiting for the previous class to leave first before entering yourselves. The class after them was notorious for having plenty of students forcing their way past the exiting crowd. Really, the only good thing about this class was--Ah.

With a small smile decorating her lips, Y/N tapped Kunimi on the shoulder as she passed by.

Her friend glanced up from his phone and nodded back in greeting before tapping his index finger against his phone as an indication. Raising her brows in question, Y/N took out her phone just as Kunimi slipped inside the lecture hall.

Slipping your phone back into your cardigan, you quickened your pace so you could catch up to your long-legged companion's own strides.

"You need to match your pace with me, Kuroo," Y/N huffed, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "You walk too fast and since you're tall you're practically covering double the amount of ground I cover."

Her seatmate in organic chemistry, Kuroo Tetsurou, only sent her a cheeky grin.

Really, she wondered what compelled her to ask Hinata and Kenma's friend for help in ochem as prior to their agreement this semester, they were practically strangers who had mutual friends. Then she remembered the first quiz mark she got in this class and inwardly groaned.

"Thanks again for sitting with me during your free period and then tutoring me." Embarrassed, Y/N rubbed her neck sheepishly as the older man eyed her curiously. "I mean, you practically didn't know me before this year. Plus you won't even let me pay you for your help. Really, I'm thankful since you're kinda the only thing keeping my grades in this class afloat."

Kuroo shrugged. "We're both students and we're both in debt. I don't think it's fair to ask you to pay me just so you can succeed in something you're having trouble with. Like I said, the only payment I'll take is you putting in the effort to learning and actually trying to figure the problems out first before coming to me for help." He slowed his pace down enough for Y/N to walk comfortably and flashed her a crooked grin. "And honestly, it's been a while since I've done any chemistry so I'm glad for this chance. Your classes get so specialized and so fast-paced in upper years that learning something introductory is a nice change of pace. So really, you don't need to thank me every time.

"Anyway, what are you planning to get from the caf?" Kuroo asked.

 "I'll just be getting my regular, I guess." She said as they approached the cafeteria atrium. "First one to finish finds us a table?"

"Deal, but heads up. I'm gonna be getting a donair." Kuroo gestured his thumb over at one of the more popular food stalls and wrinkled his nose at the long line. "You'll probably finish before me so just send me a text where you get one."

"Yep, yep." 

.

.

By the time Y/N managed to grab her food and find a spare table, Kuroo was still in line with three people ahead of him. From her seat, she could see him scrolling through his phone, his other finger tapping rhythmically on the side of his dark jeans. Dressed the way he is--a simple red oxford shirt, dark jeans, and dress shoes--and looking the way he does, it was no wonder the man was attractive.

A glance around him further confirmed her thoughts. She could see a couple of girls a few tables away from her giggling as they whispered fervently to each other, their eyes darting to Kuroo every so often.

In front of her, the line moved up and Kuroo moved one step closer to getting his food and finally settling beside her. She didn't envy the way he was still carrying his backpack and from the way he shifted his weight from foot to foot, the weight bothered him as well.

Deciding that Kuroo would probably get his food and be seated in front of her in ten minutes, she covered her Favourite/Food and opted to wait for him before starting. Instead, she pulled out her phone and checked her notifications.

There was a thread between Kiyoko and Hitoka and a reply from Kei. She checked and quickly replied to those first before opening up her group chat with Kiyoko, Hitoka, and Sugawara.

♡ Contractual Obligations ♡

A/N: Aaaa. I realized this will be a blend of smau and traditional fic because there will be smut and also I want things to flow and for the reader to be there in the moment rather than reading about it. Sorry for the late update, I've been recharging for the past week or so since I've been feeling a bit drained 🥲. But nevertheless, here's the first chapter!

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Taglist: @writingswall @luckyminhibou @faithfulferns @moonlightaangel @sunahyejin

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