#i'm really sorry y'all. i need a mental health hiatus

[genericpuff]

You know what do you think of hanza cancelling her own comic that is the guy upstairs? Like for me,I really really hope she's okay. And I know blacklightjack(he make a video about this) and the line he says about artists need to grow a thicker skin is just. I'm sorry like,look I get what he's saying but hanza have to cancel the comic because of toxic shippers. Sure,you can just ignore them and pretend they don't exist but they will still still still annoy you and h*rass you to the point you can't take it anymore and have to cancel the comic because of the whole goddamn toxic fanbase.

(as a Malaysian myself,I need to say this,I really hope hanza is alright. And in my language saya harap dia dapat bantuan Dan menjaga kesihatan sendiri)

So...

sigh I feel like this isn't the answer or essay you expected but I hope you're open to at least hearing it out all the same.

I do not think Hanza handled the situation in a way that benefitted her as a creator or her audience of people who genuinely love her work.

I DO think she was justified to be pissed off with the people harassing her. Those people suck ass and they're the definition of "this is why we can't have nice things."

But like... the notion of "you need to grow thicker skin" is true in being a creator who puts their work out into the world for an audience. Hear me out, this does NOT mean "creators aren't allowed to have feelings". But it does mean that you have to find peace with the fact that there are gonna be weirdos and assholes who take shit too far within your community. You don't necessarily deserve that. But you can't give those people power over you by going scorched earth in the way that Hanza did, because who does it really benefit? Hanza is now out a job and she's soiled her own reputation with her audience by basically going "FINE, because of these few people who were shit, NO ONE gets to have a good time!" And that's just... not a productive or healthy way to deal with these issues because it's just doing what those trolls and shitheads likely wanted. They wanted a reaction out of her, and she delivered it to them on a silver platter.

Like, I think of the dumbasses complaining about Hanza "taking advantage of the dark romance community" (she didn't, she just made a horror thriller comic that they felt entitled to see romance in) and guess what? Now those dumbasses have power over here because she ended the comic and in their heads, I'm sure they're thinking "good riddance". By choosing to not only end her comic, but spoil it entirely for her fans who were there in good faith, Hanza gave power to the people who weren't even a part of her target audience to begin with.

I do think it's ironic if people assume I'd automatically boo the "grow thicker skin" mantra because like, y'all... many of my complaints here are literally about people like Rachel who behave badly with their audience and desperately needed to grow thicker skin. In a lot of ways she's not even reacting to direct harassers, she's reacting to people simply discussing her comic in their own spaces which aren't mean for her. If she spoiled the ending of LO for her fans and ended the comic prematurely, I would feel awful, but... it still would have been her decision at the end of the day that she'd have to stand by and take responsibility for.

I think, at best, if I were to give her any unsolicited advice, she should have just put the comic on hiatus, taken a break, focused on her mental health and given herself enough distance to ask herself if she wanted to continue TGU. Maybe it still would have ended the same way, but at least she would have given herself the time and space to heal and rationalize her choices.

Instead, by choosing the nuclear option of spoiling the series for her readers and axing the comic - just to backpedal and go back to "no no it's just an indefinite hiatus!" - she gave up her power to the people who were harassing her. She reacted in a way that gave them power over her, not herself over them.

And I say this as someone who's currently on an indefinite hiatus with their main project, which I still have not spoiled for the 5 readers I have, despite the fact that I have zero clue when I'll return or if I'll even be able to. Whether or not Cyra and co. break out of the Reaper Society is now a 2 year old question.

I say this all as someone who has been harassed and is still harassed for doing what I wanna do. My first ever webcomic website when I was like 17 used to get emails and comments from shitty classmates and other local yokels who knew of me and wanted to pick fights over a teenager's dumb lil' gag comics. I kept making those comics anyways for myself and for the people who did like reading them, until I was ready to drop the comic on my own terms and move onto my next project, which would be Reaper. Reaper also got a lot of nonsense complaints and harassment. As did my fanfiction projects, as did my digital art, as did everything that I've ever put out into the world through the Internet, because the Internet just sucks for everyone always and then you die 🤣

And now, 10+ years later, I get the occasional "you're a shitty talentless person who isn't gonna amount to anything and yaddayaddayadda" which, to be fair, is a reaction from the folks who are unhappy with my intentions to make a Lore Olympus rewrite comic!

But I'm not going to give them power over me by stopping. I have a story I want to tell and if I stopped telling that story due to the shitty things they had to say and do, then I would be punishing myself and punishing my audience for the actions of a few bad apples. I do not deserve to have those abusive actions targeted at me (though they surely do and that's on them) and I do not have to put up with it, but I genuinely would not be able to live with myself if I gave them power over me by reacting in such an explosive way that my bloody remains land on everyone around me, including the people who were supportive and loved my work along the way.

That said, I also don't know to what extent Hanza was harassed. I've seen people claim she was doxxed, but have yet to see any evidence of that. I have seen people claim she got death threats, but Hanza hasn't shown anything to back that up. I'm going to assume the best of her that the harassment must have gotten pretty fucking bad for her to want to quit, and again, that is justified, and I cannot in any way use my experiences as a way to diminish hers. Maybe she just flat out isn't interested in making TGU anymore which... I can definitely say I relate to that, too.

There's this sort of mindfulness technique in stress and emotional management where you have to recognize that other people's actions are NOT your responsibility, but your REACTION is, because your reaction is what you can control and have power over.

Rachel Smythe finished LO in spite of what wackjobs like me said (and still say) about her and she has power in that perseverance, power that wackjobs like me cannot and *should* not try to take away from her.

mongie decided Webtoons was not suited for her work and vision and decided to put the comic on hiatus until she could get her distribution rights back and continue Let's Play on another platform. She has power in that decision and integrity, power that Webtoons cannot take away from her.

Whether or not you like my work, whatever opinion you have of it that you're entitled to, I have power in knowing that I started a project that I now love dearly and can take pride in, and has brought closure to people like me who were left disappointed by LO. I have power in that stubbornness and refusal to let other people determine what I'm capable of.

Even if you remove the external influence of the audience from the picture, we all have power as creators that we need to harness and take ownership in.

By going nuclear and spoiling her comic for her audience and ending it entirely, Hanza may have gotten the short term satisfaction of turning the school bus around to go back home, but she still disrespected herself and robbed herself of her own power as a creator which will ultimately stick with her far more than it will the harassers who will inevitably move on to some other target and forget she even existed. And that's a decision that she has to live with.

The harassers got under Hanza's skin and gave her more than enough reason to feel frustrated. But they did not choose to spoil and end the comic. She did. And she is ultimately the only one who will have to live with the consequences of that.

I do hope she's okay and that she's getting the time and space she needs to heal from this. If this truly is the outcome that she feels gives her the most power and the ends justified the means for her, I hope she found strength in it, regardless of the opinions of people like myself that ultimately should not matter to her. I hope the people harassing her get what's coming for them whether it be actually getting called out or just the universe delivering karmic retribution on them. I hope Hanza can find joy and peace again either in TGU or whatever project she pursues next. But most importantly, I hope she finds the confidence and power she needs to stick to her guns and create what she wants to create, unapologetically.

"Growing thicker skin" doesn't mean we as creators have to be comfortable with abuse - it just means we need to do ourselves the honor and favor of making decisions that give ourselves power rather than giving it away to the abusers who do not have to live our lives at the end of it all.

And that is my very big bag of cents on that.

[here2bbtstrash]

alright besties~*~ i feel i owe you an update so let's strap in, shall we?

TLDR: the final chapter of LDOMLT is not gonna be ready by 1/31. i don't know when it will be done, but i do know that i want to take my time with it and not force it. this means you're going to see me post other writing before i post chapter 11. if that makes you sad, i'm sorry (and also: me too lol). LDOMLT is not dead, it's not cancelled, it's not even on hiatus. i just can't say when the last chapter will be posted right now. once i feel like i can commit to a date, i will shout it from the damn rooftops lmao. but right now, i need to switch gears.

i hope you can understand or at the very least respect this choice, and please know that i love you all so so much. i just wanna give you the best ending possible, and as it turns out, that shit takes time!

longer version under the cut 💜

siiiiiiigh. i didn't want to have to make this post 😭 but y'all, i am really, really blocked. i kept telling myself that i would figure it out, magically get unblocked (it's happened before!) and be able to meet my 1/31 date (or if not 1/31, then at least 2/5...... hello grammys 👀). but right now neither date seems like a possibility, if i'm honest with myself. in part because i've got a whole stew of personal life shit going on as well! (some of it not so good, and some of it ..... very good lol 😏)

and the way i've been spinning my wheels over this is starting to feel unproductive and honestly, not great for my mental health (i **cried** last night because i was so frustrated that i couldn't make words happen. we'll blame that one on my period but 😩 omg! tears!!!)

so... what do i do? well, i actually feel like playing that ask game the other day made me realize: i need to write other things right now. amazing how the moment i put down this chapter 11 draft, ideas and words just flew out of my brain so easily!! and i have all these other wips i'm dying to get to, but i kept telling myself "not until we finish chapter 11", and i think that's gotten me into a bit of a mental bind 😞

so, as previously hinted at in past posts - i am gonna move forward with ~*~jihope month~*~ in february and allow myself to work on other things 💜 i'll make a separate announcement for that soon, but i'm very excited to dedicate a whole month to writing and reading about my two best boys 😩 and i'll be taking drabble requests too, which i think is gonna help me find my footing again creatively ✨

i know it might be disappointing to see me post writing that isn't LDOMLT chapter 11, so let me preemptively say: i get it 😞 and i'm sorry 😞 and i really really REALLY 👹 also wanted this chapter to be out before february. but the muse has other plans! and i just have to make peace with that even if i hate it lmao. i hope you all can understand where i'm coming from, and if you can't understand it, i hope you can at the very least respect it 💜

to be clear: i'm not gonna stop work on this chapter, but i'm also not gonna force it. if i manage to unblock and get it finished in february, i'll post it in february! (sorry to jimin and hobi lmao) but i don't want to try and hold myself to yet another date only to watch it zoom by with my chapter still unfinished, because that shit is depressing lmao. so right now, i cannot give you any kind of timeline on when ch11 will come. only that it will, and that i'm never ever gonna give up!! 💪

i also hope you can understand that i won't be answering asks about when chapter 11 is coming, and imma be swift with the block button if anyone tries to guilt me about this decision 💜 because i love y'all endlessly, but let us not forget that i do this shit for free, on top of a full-time job and the rest of my life (and now also on top of getting laid irl 🎉)

however, i have no doubt that 99.9% of y'all are going to be nothing but kind and supportive about this 🥺🥺🥺 i've already gotten so many lovely asks and comments and messages (not all of which i've replied to 💀) and i will never find the proper words to tell you how much i appreciate them. when you tell me to take my time and not stress, that you'll wait as long as it takes, that you want me to rest and take care of myself. it means so much and idk what i did to deserve such wonderful people and friends reading my work - all i can say is thank you thank you thank you 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

so yeah 😩 not the announcement i wanted to make, but it's the one i have to make right now. writing is so hard sometimes 😭 but i am determined to give this series an ending that i'm proud of and satisfied with! it just needs a little more time to get there. 💜

[whotfelsewantedtobelynnyx]

Where I’ve been, and my plans moving forward.

Hey Tumblr (and hopefully my AO3 readers)…it’s been a minute. And I’m sorry for that, I really am. I wanted to pop on here and give y’all an explanation as to what’s been going on with me and where I’ve been…but for a writer, I’m surprisingly short on stuff to say. So I’m just going to start.

Where I’ve been

It’s been at least a month since I’ve posted (and over a year since I’ve updated my most popular series, The Raven House). And…yeah, I feel bad about that. The short version is, I completely changed my lifestyle. The long version is that I finished my semester of school at the end of May last year and just…didn’t go back. Initially, I decided to work full time for awhile to give myself some time to recover after a bad mental break. But I realized pretty quickly that I didn’t want it to be temporary. I have severe ADHD and anxiety, as well as some health issues that just overall made school miserable for me. At least right now, I’m much more fulfilled and happy with my work. I’m lucky enough to have gotten a good job (really good for someone my age) in an AMAZING work environment and I’m just much happier there.

So what does this have to do with my fics and my blog?

Well, two things. One- I have less time overall. To be honest, a LOT of my works were written while I was spacing out in class. With my job, I don’t have the time or really any reason to space out at my desk- and that really is a good thing! Because secondly, writing was as much a coping mechanism as it was a hobby. When I was posting and writing regularly, a lot of it was pure avoidance. I could stave off my stress by pretending I was being productive when I wrote a new chapter, and I could avoid paying attention to class by researching for my character’s outfits, you know? It made it easier. It was also (depressingly) one of the few places where I could get real positive feedback and praise, which I DESPERATELY needed, but never got (as I was admittedly a terrible student). So I did as much as possible in order to garner pretty much any positive attention. And I am grateful that in those times, I had writing to cope- but I’m also glad that I don’t have to rely on it as much anymore, because it ultimately wasn’t healthy.

Where does this leave me?

I don’t write all this to announce the closing of my account. I promise, this is not me saying goodbye. However, I’m going to be learning how to truly embrace writing as a hobby and how to fit it into my new lifestyle. With that, I’ll be trying to work on more of my original content, which I post separately. I'll also be adjusting my plans for some of my fics. Here’s the list of what I’m planning on going forward.

The Raven House

The Raven House is my most popular work and absolutely one of my favorites. It also takes AGES to write, especially with me having shifted hyper fixations. I won't be pausing or stopping work on it all, but it will continue to take ages. TL;DR: It's not going away, but it'll continue to take a long time and have a very uneven upload schedule. I hope y'all will understand and keep going.

Multimedia

This piece will be discontinued. Honestly, I just have no idea where to go with it and there's not much point in me keeping it going. I think it's a fun concept, but I don't really want to continue it at this time.

Insomnia

Similar to Multimedia, it's a fun concept, but I don't have any ideas or motivation to push forward with it.

Blank Space

This will stay as a one-shot for now. I originally wrote this with plans to have it as a three chapter story, but I'd rather focus my motivation on The Raven House.

Shades Of Lavender

For lack of a better word, I'm considering this piece to be on hiatus. I don't want to say goodbye to this piece or these characters by any means- however it's another that will continue to take AGES. I'll work on it on the side, but I won't be posting it for the foreseeable future.

Purgatory

I'm wrapping up the last pages of this fic! However I'm still deciding if I can really wrap this up with one more chapter.

That's...pretty much all I had to say. I feel like I'm forgetting something. I'll remember later.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to my readers who see this. I understand if you left, but I'm doubly grateful for the ones who stuck around <3

[inevitably-johnlocked]

so are you on hiatus or still posting or...? what's the deal w/that

Hey Anon...

I'm not sure if you're just joshing me or being silly, or are being serious or whatever but your ask comes off as rude, especially since I try to have a post every half hour or so from 8 AM EST until noon DAILY (since I discovered those are my peak hours), unless I have no content, which y'all provide me with through asks and suggestions. I have posted fic recs EVERY Friday for over 3 years and curate a fic rec list nearly every Sunday unless I take a break / holiday. My blog tags are specifically designed to show me where in the cycle a post is, and, a lot of the "selling" point to this blog is its interactivity (where I check the replies and additions on every post that reblogs each day and I tack it onto the main post).

Granted, I don't post nearly as much as I used to (because it was affecting my mental health, and I have a day job I work between 40 and 60 hours a week with very little free time, and I'm back at the office so I can't post during work hours anymore) so I had to cut my queue back to auto-post 3 posts a day so I don't run out of posts before month's end. I also prep my blog the night before the next day, so I spend anywhere between 2 and 4 hours NIGHTLY, AFTER my day job, to file, answer asks, and schedule posts so that my blog LOOKS active.

AND if no one sends me asks or asks I'm not ready to answer (bad headspace, too long to reply so I save it for another day, etc), then the queue the next day is, admittedly, smaller and instead is about 1 post an hour up until 3 PM EST. All my new posts from asks get answered and posted between 8 AM and 11 AM, unless I have no content / next-day-reblogs, then I slot other asks into the 11 AM until 2 PM slots. I try not to do that on first posting, though, 'cause as I said, my peak hours are early morning so I'd rather have people see those ones first.

When I'm on hiatus, I pin a post to my blog. My Lovelies and Lurkers™ know when I am on Hiatus and are very understanding and know that I am a human being who needs a break once in awhile. I'm sorry I'm not posting up to your standards, Anon, I truly am, but I just physically can't anymore, since like, 90% of my free time is dedicated to either sorting fics or answering asks. And I don't really have the energy to do it at the rate I was doing it when I was working from home. I rarely take a break from this blog as it is.

Perhaps Tumblr has unfollowed you from my blog, which is why you don't see my posts anymore (it has happened, I've had to re-follow people before), but I can assure you, I have new content DAILY unless I have no asks I'm ready to answer. Some days are less than others, because, again, I am only human, and I have no obligation to provide content daily. I do it because I LOVE doing it. But asks like this make me feel like all my work is for naught. *shrugs*

Less is more, Anon. 💜🖤

[sunshinexlollipops]

hihi!! was just wondering if you ever plan on finishing ACW? its been ages since i first read it and i find myself coming back to it so often. love love love your writing, i've never felt so engrossed in a piece of fanfiction before!!!

hi anon!

thank you for all your support and love about ACW! even now it amazes me how people read this story and just cherish it as they do. ACW connected with people in a way my fics never did prior to it. one reason I love it so much!

well wishes to you anon, and thank you sm for your ask! 💕

but the short answer to your question: yes, 100% absolutely. I do plan to finish ACW. may take me a while, but imma do it.

but here is the longer answer:

I have... unfortunately a lot going on right now. my radio silence + pause on writing wasn't meant to be this long or even a thing aside from taking the time to write the final chapter entirely and prep it for uploading.

the idea was to upload the chapter in its parts day by day until completion, and intended to prevent you guys hanging in between crucial updates for long. unlike the previous method, where I uploaded 1 update at a time, as they were written. the final chapter has a lot of heavy hitting moments and huge plot events. some of these I didn't want to leave you guys sitting on for weeks in between the next update. also, I didn't want to kill the vibe and flow of the last chapter by doing it a piece at a time and the next update time be "TBD."

but due to the pandemic and compounding life/personal issues, I kinda crashed and burned since going on an unintentional hiatus. from mental health stuff and physical health stuff, I basically have been dealing with this since I quit my job in April of '21. which was a whole other situation altogether...some know but basically it was shit and it really messed with me.

I'm doing a SHIT TON better now and have gotten a good psych and therapist behind me. also new medications have helped for things like my OCD + ADHD, for example. it's not that I necessarily am against detailing some things to y'all, but... it's a LOT.

bc you know those memes about author's notes on fics? how they'll be like "hey sorry this may have typos, I nearly died from organ failure last week and I'm in the hospital recovering, so sorry if the quality is not up to my status quo!" ???

yeah. dat me.

but with a list so long idk where to start and how to explain everything to y'all. just know I've been going through it. and it's not to demand pity that I say that, but it's more so to offer some light as to why my break has been so long + why I've been almost MIA and not writing during it.

in general, I haven't written practically anything during this time. not trying to dismay you about ACW, bc that has NEVER left my mind, but more so I just haven't been able to connect back with writing. I disconnected from practically all my outlets (hurr hurr depression 🤪) and it hasn't been easy to reestablish it. doesn't mean I won't, or it's impossible. but it may take me some time to find that piece of me again.

currently, I'm about to try and start a specific therapy program that can help me, and I'm going to hopefully be getting assistance during this time too. this is an improvement considering I have been dead in the water for the last 2 years and change. so I hope the improvements continue, and with more direct help and support I can continue with betterment and hopefully get back to a lot that I lost.

so apologies for how long it's taken, just know I've been thinking about ACW right alongside y'all. I miss it like y'all do. and I hope I can send her out the way I want and need to. I also have some ideas/changes and I'm hoping I can also surprise y'all with these if I can make it work!

remember— HAVE FAITH. ;)

also, a bonus for you having read all that mess, a pic of my kitty's lil face. 💕

[offlowersandbones]

+

[mikk1n]

Okay y'all, real talk: my health has been absolute shit lately.

I don't talk a lot about this on my blog, but right now I'm struggling with what I suspect may be ME/CFS. I don't have a diagnosis, and as much as I'd like to get one, without insurance I can't afford the medical care I need. I picked up a job some months ago in the hopes of being put on their insurance, but that's still a ways away and I don't know if I'll make it that long, honestly. My mental health (which I won't delve into here) has also completely plummeted as a result.

Initially my plan was to try to save up my money from my in-person job and try to brush up my portfolio and really hustle on my art so I can build enough of a following for Patreon to be worthwhile, or to be picked up by a company that will allow me to freelance from home. But I've quickly discovered that I can work an in-person job or I can do art as my job, but not both. If we're being completely honest, I need to quit, because this job is extremely taxing to the point where 12 hour work weeks leave me completely useless for days. But I also need the income. And right now art is nowhere near lucrative enough for me to rely on it.

So I'm going to take a semi-hiatus. I'll still post here, but it'll be dramatically less, and right now I'm going to focus on clearing out my commission queue (and filling the requests rotting in my inbox) as best as I can. I don't have an estimate on how long that'll take. It depends on when I can quit this job and support myself working from home.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to make a post like this, but...it's bad y'all. I can't keep up anymore.

To anyone who may be disappointed, I'm really, truly sorry. I love making art, I love posting here, I love my followers and my mutuals and I love making connections in the fandoms I adore. I hope I can create as much art as I did in the past, in the near future.

[cremelatte]

Taking A Break (Hiatus)

Hello everyone, I'm very very sorry but I have to say that I need to take a break from tumblr for a while!

Lately, many things happens in my real life and it kinda affect my mental health and emotions, so I want to take a break and recharge for a few days.

Though I'm might check into tumblr, liking and reblogging posts, but I'm not going to interacting and giving feedbacks. My moodboard ask game is also in hiatus until I come back.

So, please do know that I'm not ignoring all of you!! I promise I will interact with y'all soon! 🤧

Anyhow, thank you so much for your understanding!! Will reblogging this post several times as well <3333

Love you and gonna miss y'all, mwahh 😚💖

Don't forget to stay healthy and safe guys, take care! 💪✨

Tagging some of my moots!

@izukus-gf @httptouya @angels-main @sukxma @tobibam @veenxys @amberfairy @the-devils-feather @caprivirgogrl

Edit: Okay everyone, I just wanted to say that THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!! I'm very very grateful for all of your wishes and loves, really!! 🤧💖 Because of everyone's supports, I felt a lot more better than before, but I still wanted to recharging for a little bit more time! Though, the good news is that I think I'll interact with y'all ASAP, probably tomorrow or such!! But please bear with my slow response, I'm so sorry 😭✋

[ivyglow]

I'm with you | Joel Farabee

A/n: I started writing this piece during my hiatus and it became very self-indulgent, so I'm sorry if this may seem kinda specific. This just happened to be posted during Mental Health Awareness Month and there's a message behind this piece, I hope it reaches y'all and somehow reminds you that things aren't over <3. Here are some mental health resources: anxiety and panic masterpost, resources to Black trans people and Jewish people, mental health masterpost (dealing w mental health while studying, burnout, eating disorders, etc), mental health website and numbers to reach. As usual, a huge shout out to @sebs-aston for proofreading this so fast <3 I would be nothing without your support, Liv!! *mwah*

Requested: Kinda

Word count: 1.9k

Warnings: mention of depression crisis (not eating nor sleeping properly too!)

Pairing: Joel Farabee x fem!reader

Summary: life has its ups and downs but the y/n's downs are really low, good thing Joel is there to take care of her and navigate through this sea of hurt and confusion.

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The room was dark, the only source of luminosity being the open curtains letting the city lights shine inside, the air was cold and the silence enveloped everything until he stepped inside. You heard when he opened the front door and the thud of his shoes because he always took it off so messily, sometimes not even caring about how it would land, and whenever you pointed it out he would tell you that he’d check it after taking a shower, because according to Joel he needed “to feel at home again” and somehow leaving everything scattered would remind him that he was, in fact, home.

When the bedroom door opened, you experienced the mixing rush of the cold air from inside with his strong cologne and his warm presence. You could hear his bare feet walking around the room, and his bag dropping by the door, the open of the closet, you heard everything, and it drew a small response from your body, which was a lot considering you were laying there forever without bothering to move too much. Your mind was foggy and, although it felt like only a few minutes went by, you knew it was more considering some of the lights outside went off.

The bed dipped beside you and his warm hands found their way inside the comforter. You blinked lazily and threaded your fingers with his.

“Hey you,” he whispered because he knew talking too loud would disrupt you.

It was only the second time that he was experiencing one of your crises and you were still insecure about his reactions or how it would affect your relationship. It wasn’t an everyday thing, but they happened eventually, sometimes you would go months without feeling the sadness creeping into your body, other times, you would feel it so strongly it would hang around for more than a week.

This was the first time it happened while he was away though, and you tried to tell yourself that Joel didn’t notice it by the way you answered your phone (or the way you didn’t), nor by the way your voice sounded muffled every time he called you expecting hours of conversation, but only getting brief minutes. Your boyfriend, in contrast, was good at reading and observing you, so he was fast to realize something was going on and even faster to recognize it as one of your crises, so he made sure to be quiet when he arrived at your shared condo. He got everything ready for a hot shower, and he cooked the fastest thing he could think of because he knew you probably forgot to eat too, and only then he reached for you.

When his lips found your temple to give a light kiss, you reached for his hair and threaded your fingers through it. You felt him smile against your skin, “I just got the shower ready for us, let’s clean up, you stinky?”

“I’m not stinky!” you protested, before feeling his smile getting bigger. He’s probably glad he got a reaction other than a simple dismissive movement from you.

Joel dipped his head lower and dragged it to your hair and neck before mumbling, “you’re not stinky, but we sure could use a shower, I can’t smell that strawberry shampoo of yours.”

He pushed up from the bed extending his open hand to you. With a sigh and trying to gather a bit of energy, you hold onto him and get up, letting him lead both of you to the bathroom. You watched attentively as he undressed you before doing the same, the clothes are long forgotten on the ground as you step out of it and inside the stall. Joel washed your hair while humming to one of the random slow songs he usually listens to while doing domestic tasks; he started to listen to this particular melody after you told him the lyrics would always give you a rush of serotonin considering how deep and meaningful it is.

You enjoyed the feeling of the warm water running through your body while his long and slender fingers massaged your scalp. It felt like a reminder that you have a body and that you’re alive indeed, and that life consists of more than your confused thoughts and crisis. Life is being able to experience the small things and feel warm about it, and right now you felt warm inside and out. While he washed your hair, you took your time running the foam over his chest and on every piece of skin you could reach. There’s a small smile on the corner of his lips, and before you could think too much, your body is pressed close to his and you are on your tiptoes. He bent his head down a bit when he noticed what you were trying to do.

It’s warmer than the water falling from the shower, and his lips were soft and sweet, and you enjoyed the feeling it sent through your whole body. You felt everything: from the hardness of his chest to the way he held you a little longer - his touch lingered on your back and his fingers brushed your cheek. You felt his love and the way he cared about you and this was enough to shed some tears from your eyes, which Joel kissed away before they reached your chin. He could see them even with your face already wet - he was this attentive and you were grateful for finding a love like his.

“Why is everything so confusing?” you whispered lazily while you dragged your nails on his shoulders, just as he liked to be touched, and before Joel could answer your question you added: “Maybe I’m just out of my mind…” His hands reached for your jawline to guide your eyes to his, “Babe, you’re not out of your mind. You’re just sad and you’re going through a lot right now, but please remember…” “it’s a sad moment, not a sad life” you two repeated together and he kissed your forehead.

“Now let’s get you out of this shower before we get sick,” his lips found yours for a quick peck and you smiled, watching as he turned off the shower and grabbed a towel before draping it around your shoulders.

After you changed into his clothes (one of his low rise trunks and a hoodie) and wrapped a towel in your hair, you laid face down on the bed.

“y/n, let’s eat something,” Joel said and you mumbled a response, face still on the pillows, before his body was beside yours. He brushed his hands under your hoodie, bringing your body on top of his and you pressed your face on his neck.

“What did you say?”

“I said, I’m not hungry” you repeated.

“I made pasta…”

“With tomato sauce…?”

“And mayo,” he added.

“I may eat a little, but I’m really not hungry, Bee,” you whined.

His lips found your cheek, not to kiss them, but to bite and you squeal in surprise, “Can I have extra cheese?” you asked, hands now on his hair and he nodded in agreement.

“You know you can have whatever you want,” there’s a second until his lips found yours, and then he added, “always.”

“Well, then I wanna spend the whole day in bed and I don’t want to eat anything,” you demanded and he laughed.

“Smartass, c’mon, you gotta get up and eat,” he started to get up, but you grumbled an answer and clung closer to him. His body shook up with another laughter before he got up holding you close and walked to the kitchen.

After arguing about how much you were going to eat and drinking half of your orange juice, Joel convinced you to wash the dishes together “so the body can digest the food” and while you wanted to lay down and hide behind the blankets, you enjoy his company and your stomach could definitely use some time to process the amount of food you ingested.

After everything was cleaned and your body felt a bit lighter, you two lay on the couch cuddling in the darkroom.

“I was thinking about creating a playlist for these moments,” he began after minutes of comfortable silence.

“I already have one,” you giggled.

“But it's just yours, not ours, and it has too many sad songs, we need some serotonin boost,”

“You’re not adding rap to my playlist!” you sat straight and facing him with a frown as he chuckled.

“That’s why we’re creating a new one together,” he stated as if it is obvious. “Besides, I’m not against sad songs, I just feel like we could use some happy ones too…”

“So songs to nap to?”

“And make out,” he wiggled his brows and you giggled again before laying on his side.

“I hate you, you know?”

“Nah, you love me.”

And he’s completely right. You love him so much it kind of makes you want to randomly smile and giggle even when your whole body is telling your life sucks, but if there’s one thing you’ve been learning is that it sucks less when he’s around.

“Do you have practice tomorrow?” you whispered after drifting off and waking up, his hands still caressing your body. The moment you two had together felt so holy and intimate, you wish you could keep it forever.

“Actually, I don’t and I’m planning on having breakfast at that small cafe so we can soak up some sun and enjoy the morning together,” his fingers absently gripping your waist have you almost sleeping. You considered his suggestion, but before you could answer he added:

“I know you’re thinking that you may wake up sad tomorrow, but remember to live today first. You’ll only know how you’re gonna feel tomorrow when that day comes, and until then you shouldn’t stop making plans, you get what I’m saying? So what about this: our deal is the cafe in the morning, but in case you feel really bad tomorrow we can always reschedule, sleep in and then eat in the living room. I’ll make sure to order or cook, whatever you feel like doing.”

“Thank you,” that’s the only response your mind managed to come up with while your eyes got heavy with tears. Joel was so understanding, and having someone to take care of you on this level wasn’t something you ever considered would happen, especially not after starting the ‘adult life’, but here you were going through everything again, only this time you were accepting the help, and you were actually starting to worry about each day at their time.

And although your depression would take away part of your energy and make you lie in bed all day, Joel would come up with one of his plans, he would cook for you, and shower with you, and make sure you were ready to try again and again and again until you could leave the bed by yourself, until he would be able to boost you with energy using just a message while on the road. It’s a sad moment, not a sad life, you repeated to yourself before smiling.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” you whispered threading your fingers with his.

“I’m with you always, y/n.”

And your heart fluttered, it’s definitely just a sad moment, not a sad life. No way is a sad life when you have him around.

taglist: @iwantahockeyhimbo @sorryjustafangirl @glassdanse @barzysreputation @stuetzlesbitch @gotpucks @extratragic

again - check here if you want to be on my taglist <3

[incendiaryblog]

Another Short Hiatus

hey, everyone, i'm sorry to do this but i'm going on a short hiatus again. this one shouldn't be as long, but finals are really kicking my ass right now and i need to focus on school for a while. the school year ends soon, so i'll be back in about a week or two, but i just wanted to let you all know that i was taking a break. this is also partially due to a lot of pressure considering that i'm trying to give y'all content while doing all this stuff in my life, so i'm also doing this for my own mental health.

i hope you all understand, and i'll see you again soon <3

[sugarplumfairy98]

2.1.2021

Hello guys! I'm sorry for not being active for quite a while. I took an unexpected hiatus after the death of a family member due to covid back in December. While I was not close to this uncle, my mental health still took a toll and it was pretty difficult to focus on too many things, even things that I enjoy. Things have been improving slowly over the last few weeks though and I thought I'd give y'all a brief update.

For the last month, I have been doing a lot of journaling in my hobonichi. I am actually quite proud of a few spreads and may eventually share them with you guys because they're pretty fucking cute.

For the last two weeks I've been obsessed with Outlander. Both the television series and the novels. It's the first time in nearly 4 years that I've actually picked up a book for leisure reading and enjoyed it. I went a little bit nuts and ordered the first two novels because I can really see myself sticking with them.

Over the past week, I've fallen back in love with Stardew Valley. I'm not even exaggerating. There's something about Stardew Valley that's just so wonderful and makes my little heart just 💗💓💗. I've begun writing a stardew fanfic. It's my first time doing creative writing for fun in nearly 8 years. I am so happy and so proud of what I have so far, even if it's in need of heavy editing.

I feel as if all of this has really been helping me with my mental health as of late and I'm hoping to get back to regular posting very soon. In the meantime, enjoy a picture of my cute stationery!

[cafekinhelp]

ah!! it feels kinda weird to be posting again here, right? 😅

well anyway, i kind of owe an explanation. i've been sorta busy with, well, life. school's ending soon, which means a ton of hw is coming, along with exams.

i've also been trying to scale back on social media, a lot of the time my screen time is primarily spent on those and i really need to focus on Life Stuff more.

i'm also closing requests for the time being so that i can Try to get to the ones currently in the inbox. i may also try updating the blog a bit and continuing to polish my other blog, @hellohappykins!

in summary, i'm going on a mini-hiatus. i'll try to do as many rqs as i can too. i'll probably be inactive for a little while, but i hope i'll be back by the end of the month, as summer vacation will give me plenty of time to work on my blogs!

i really hope this isn't a big inconvenience! my mental health hasn't been the best with stress n all, and i'm truly very sorry to do this! but i do have to take care of myself, i hope y'all understand.

✨ mod shin

-> hitoshi shinsou shift ; icon by ???

[queerdiaz]

I understand how you are feeling and am kind of going through the same thing. Sometimes when things get rough, I remove everything but the bare minimum (work, food, sleep) including things that I think make me happy. I find doing a reset helps me figure out the things I really enjoy and WHY I enjoy them. Stepping away gives you a chance to take a breathe and just focus on what you want to do instead of going through your typical routing and feeling like you have to do things because it always made you happy before so why shouldn't it again. I hope this helps!

omg Nonnie thank you so much ❤ and I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through a similar thing 🫂

Thank you so much for the great advice! That makes a lot of sense and I've done something like that before, but always more in an unhealthy way, if that makes any sense? The thing is, I'm basically bed redden a lot and dealing with a lot of medical stuff so Tumblr and ao3 have been great outlets that have helped me so much. But, given how my mental health (and physical) have gotten worse, it's been hard to enjoy it as much. Like I still am, but I've been putting way more pressure on myself than usual and then add the anxiety and depression and paranoia into the mix. I feel like I'm being way too toxic with my mindset of thinking so low of myself and how my contributions the fandom or are not good or whatever and it'd better for everyone if I just left. It wouldn't really make a difference. (I feel this in real life too). Like, I know it shouldn't be about content and "contributions" and I know that's not true and it's my very unhealthy brain speaking. But it's been really hard to control than usual. And I feel like I'm ruining y'all dashs with all of these negative posts and I just don't want to be toxic. Y'all deserve so much better than that. So I do think that maybe it would be good to do what you say and take a step back and kinda reboot myself in a sense and reevaluate and go back to what I love in a somewhat more healthier mindset.

I'm gonna stay on my semi-hiatus for a few days to think about it though, let the antibiotics for my teeth kick in to give me a bit for a clearer mind.

In the meantime, if you need to talk about what you're going through I'm here ❤ And again, thank you again for the kinds words and advice. You're amazing Nonnie, thank you 💞

[fy-kotathekid]

INTERVIEW WITH 𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃 for 𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐄 𝐊𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐀: 𝗢𝗖𝗧𝗢𝗕𝗘𝗥 𝗜𝗦𝗦𝗨𝗘 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟭.

Written by Kim Sooyoung

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃 has had quite a year so far, he released his very first studio album back in June which he put out through Honeydrop Entertainment, home of Teddy and many more artists, but he continued to put out music through almost the entire summer and each song was different from the last. He has definitely showed his fans his versatility and definitely lets people know that as much as he is a singer, he's also a phenomenal rapper. I've been told that Kota doesn't do a lot of interviews due to him feeling like he's not an important enough artist but his fans heavily requested him to do one so here we are.

KS: So, Kota. How does it feel to finally put out your own music? Your very first studio album “Must Be Repeated” had high praise from fans and peers alike so can you tell us the inspiration behind it?

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃: The reasoning behind this album was to show people what I can do from behind the camera. I started out as video director and film has always been my passion but I felt like personally I could do something more, so I decided to make my own music to showcase more of my own special talent.

KS: I, myself, enjoyed your debut album and all the songs you put out during the summer. You definitely set the bar for being called a brand new artist so my next question is what is the sound we're all gonna expect from your second album?

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃: What you can expect from my next album is a more darker, rougher side to me. My fans got a taste of that in my songs like “So Beautiful”, “Welcome to the Show”, “Dreams of You”, and “Love You Fuck You”. Those songs set the standard for my upcoming album and I personally feel like a lot more people are gonna enjoy it more than my debut album.

KS: Speaking of your song “Love You Fuck You”, you collaborated with Ahin and Astrobin (Subin); Ahin who recently went on tour with two of your labelmates, Teddy & Elena and Astrobin who has recently been in “so called controversy” for his sexuality. What made you decide to collaborate with them?

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃: First things first, please don't comment on my friend's sexuality when describing him. I don't fucking like that shit at all so try not to do it again, sweetheart. Second, the reason why I chose those two because I personally felt like their voices went well with my song and I like collaborating with different people. It just helps me expand my connections in Korean Music Industry.

KS: I am very sorry for my previous comment, it was very uncalled for on my behalf. Moving on, I see you have a handful of collaborations with certain members of Goblin Gang, the notorious Korean hip-hop and R&B crew. Who was your favorite person to work with and is there anyone else from that group you would like to work with in the future?

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃: Well, I don't personally know the Goblin Gang crew all that well but I personally feel like my favorite person I've worked with so far is Astrobin, he reminds me of my little brother and I'm very protective of him in general. He's a good guy and amazing artist who means well but the hate on his sexuality is absolutely disgusting. And for the second half of the question you asked, I would like to collaborate with Anon, Louie, HEK8, and I.M in the near future. They definitely seem like some of the best collaborations to have on your album.

KS: I noticed that you recently went to Thailand and you were supposed to go with fellow Goblin Gang member Merkury (Luna) but something happened that she ended up backing out on the first day, can you tell us what happened?

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃: This is supposed to be an interview about me, so can you tell me why you keep asking me questions about Goblin Gang? No disrespect to them but this shit isn't about them and so with all due respect, I would like to get back to the topic on hand which is about me and my music. Thank you.

KS: . . . Uh, wow okay, let's just move on. I saw that you recently came back from a small hiatus so can you tell me what was the reason for it in the first place?

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃: I needed to protect my own mental health, I quickly got burnt out after dropping my first album and releasing new music all summer. So I went on vacation and limited my contacts with certain people. I've just been buckling down to focus on myself and my upcoming album.

KS: Chuseok has recently passed and it's quite apparent that you didn't really spend the holiday with your family or any friends, why is that?

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃: I don't really like doing anything for Chuseok, I usually take the time to mind own business and just spend time for myself. I ordered food for my siblings so them two could spend the holiday together. They understand why I do what I do and I called my parents to wish them a Happy Chuseok, that was it.

KS: How close are you with your family tho? There's been certain times where you've expressed to your peers and fans about not returning to Australia but your parents are there.

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃: Well, that's a very dumb question to ask. I love and care deeply about my family but I've never had a good or reasonable to in Australia, especially when I was growing up. My refusal to ever go back to Australia has nothing to do with my closeness with my family. Now, I think it's time to move past the pointless questions that my fans aren't gonna give a single fuck about.

KS: Last question of the day, do you have any rumors you would like to address for your fans to know?

𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃: I don't have nothing to hide personally but there are certain people in this music industry who ain't shit and need to stop putting out a picture perfect image like they didn't use one of their supposed “friend” and labelmate for their own gain. I'm not gonna name names but they know who they are. With that being said, my album comes out in November. Most of y'all should know the date by now.

Sitting down with 𝐊𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐃 has definitely been one of my most interesting interviews so far. He was very blunt and perhaps a bit controversial towards some of my questions but at least he answered them without any hesitation. I hope his fans enjoys his interview and please look forward for his upcoming album this November.