#i'm scared i'll lose my friends
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nyan cat & tac nayn!!
feel free to use these as like. matching profile pictures?? (or just profile pictures by themselves idk if people on here do the whole matching thing) but please credit me in ur bio or something
(more text under the cut, also the old versions)
i am coming out as a nyan cat lover (that kitty was so influential to my life somehow?? when i was younger i cosplayed it on roblox and played any nyan cat related game & then last year and this year it basically led me down a path to finally accepting who i am as a person?? it sounds kinda dumb here but trust me it makes sense with more context)
old versions:
these mean a lot to me because they were also made when i was struggling a lot to make art (kind of like i am rn but way worse) but i actually really liked how they turned out & it inspired me to keep trying instead of giving up
#nyan cat#tac nayn#i love these silly kitties#my art#this is based off old drawings i made when i was beginning to accept being cringe was ok#it was a sign of how i didn't have to be what other people wanted me to#i could draw whatever 'cringe' stuff i wanted to#i shouldn't have to hide who i am to make others happy#& yeah i'm not entirely open about myself irl#i'm scared i'll lose my friends#but if i do?#then they weren't great friends anyways#if anyone out there has this same type of experience#of hiding who you really are because you're scared people will think you're a freak#ily#i hope you find people who accept you#& the people that don't?#they aren't worth it#sorry to get so like emotional?? but this means a lot to me#eyestrain#eyestrain tw
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ohh all the frustrations and disappointments and regrets of the past 30 hours are piling up...I've actually never cried at work here but there's just so much weighing on me and I wish everything was different but half of it is my fault so I can't even complain...but also. 3:30 in the morning and all
#my tooth still hurts and it's hurt for months and months and the brackets were supposed to help but my ortho hasn't done anything#and I don't care how they look I just want it to stop hurting and I really don't want braces#but im scared if I don't do enough it'll never stop hurting#my legs hurt too why am I so irritated!!!!#im so tired!!!! I haven't seen a single friend in ages!!#and the stupid couch thing is pushing me over the edge. I feel like such a failure#bc now I have to have my famile move it or pay someone too#and the first is terrible! they're all old! but if I don't I'll literally lose hundreds of dollars since I already bought it#and I just feel so stupid#even tho I measured it!!! how did I make this mistake!!#and I really like it too I'm just so upset it's thrown everything off#but of course its too big! its a fucking studio! there's no room for anything! what was I thinking!#also. im on my period#SO.#cor.txt
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oh is it a "pollen feels so deeply insecure about all of their relationships bc of their Multitude Of Issues that they feel nobody will ever be able to love them for" night? okay.
#vents 🌧️#my fatal flaw is my absolutely gut-wrenching levels of jealousy#god damn. I have good intentions but I wish I was better at all this. friend stuff#I'm afraid I'll never truly be able to be vulnerable without being shunned. this is not a good thing because I wear my heart on my sleeve#no matter how wonderful the people around me are I'm always so afraid I'll scare them off#something something I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror#idk. I just. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose.. all of this#I'm doing everything in my power to make sure people stay. is that selfish? I don't know#I just don't want to be alone again
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#the rational part of me knows that everything will be okay but it's getting there thats always the hardest. so many big changes have been#happening recently and. fuck. i dont like what my life is becoming. i try my best to keep it together but god it's hard sometimes#i feel so. stupid. am i even worth anything? I'm just tired. i havent been doing anything to deserve to be tired but i am#i wish i could be better. i wont get into the details and i know this sounds like I'm losing my shit but god theres just so much happening#and I'm being crushed by this pressure and the scariest part is that maybe theres nothing even to be scared about. maybe this is just me#being fucked up and a scared little kid that was never quite good enough just like always. i was gonna get back to playing my game but ive#just been here for the past hour staring into space and crying. i tried to read a book but even that made me cry too-#what a fucking life huh? i dont know anything anymore. everything i know is changing and idk how to deal with it all#ive never felt so.. worthless. i just want a break. this is mostly just about academic pressure since thats what really set me off tonight#but everything else too.. god i'm so.. fucked. i put on this brave face because I'm in a position where ive been so isolated for so long#that i dont even have people to talk to about my problems anymore. when did it get to the point where i have all these friends in name but#thats all? when did i get so far from everuthing#when did it all fall apart? when did i become this stupid?#and ofc all this fucking jazz leads to the eventual 'my f/o wouldnt love a girl like me theyd go find someone else + leave' bullshit. sigh.#I'm fucking tired man. no one has to comfort me or message me or anything. I'll be fine and honestly I'm glad i was just able to get it out#(even if i can't share details obviously) I'm just.. at a point in my life where I'm confused. adulthood is hard man..#anyways i think I'll get my shit together and play more y.akuza now! the crying has sorta stopped lmaoo i think I'm on chapter 12 of 0 now?#very fun! I'm having fun.#negative#vent#ash rambles 💚#technically-#ahem. yeah. getting it all out felt good. maybe this hellsite is worth smth after all LMAAAOOO
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I wonder if you think about me as often as I do you?
#I miss him#I miss bun too#I miss all my friends#thoughts are being thunk ig#should I try to reach out?#Maybe it's a bad idea#I don't really have anything to lose I guess#But bun said I'd regret it if I did#I wonder if it's even possible to reach you now#sad#:(#I'm scared to try and reach out. But I miss them both so much#sighs#Maybe I'll wait a little longer#I'll ask the cards
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Ok
#kinda vent post cause ive been anxious ever since we got coffee this evening#I promise I'm not trying to be weird or anything. I'm just#I just really don't want to screw this up. I know we spent almost the last year avoiding each other#And I know things between us were rocky for a bit before that#and I hope I'm not overwhelming you. I know things won't be better overnight#I know we've distanced so much and theres so much awkward history there. I know things are different now#And I respect that. I respect your relationship and your new life. I'm not trying to impose or make you uncomfortable#I'm just anxious and tbh scared an nervous too. I don't want to fuck this up. If theres a chance for us to be close friends again I want it#Im so so so scared of fucking it up. I feel like I forgot how to be friends & after the way I left things Im scared that I lost my chance#I'm scared that it's not gonna work and that a permanent goodbye is in our future. I'm scared that you won't want me around after all#I would understand if that became the case.. but I really don't want that#I cant text you this without seeming like an overbearing clingy anxious mess of an ex but ive been on the verge of a panic attack all night#just for the fear that I'm fucking up already somehow. Just the fear that this isn't going to work and I shouldn't even try#I think I spent so long avoiding you that now I don't know what to do with myself. But I'm trying to be normal#I promise I dont have any motives other than missing a really great friendship and being tired of missing friends#And maybe I still have a ways to go in the emotional healing department but I think I'm ok enough to try. I've been ok for a while now#If you see this please know that I mean every word. If you never see it thats ok because I just need to get it off my chest before I burst#I don't want to scare you off or lose you again. if thats what it comes to then know I'll always miss and appreciate you for all my days#Thats all. Ive been a ball of nerves all evening & I just needed to air this out cause having this weight sitting on my chest is too much#emma rambles#personal#vent post
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Getting a little too existential about a DND clas test bc I want to answer truthfully on how i act and feel irl and not talk about my goals i don't even act upon but also i don't want to end up in a class that is bascially "ur an edgelord ahah" bitch no i'm just an autistic adult with ADHD and no sense of real trust since I'm a child bc I might be a bit paranoid. But also. A fucking empathic, silly and emotional bastard who both hate and is in love with the world
#“are you loyal to the ones you trust” violently yes but also what is trust. i could do length for my friends and lover#but i don't feel like i can trust them really#tbh i don't feel like im totally trustworthy either#humans hurts humans even with love and trust it's a normal thing#but i'm just sososososo a coward who WILL bite the hands that feeds me#BUT ALSO IM IN LOVE WITH THEM ????? HELP#I'll fight for freedom and respect and love but i am also a scared dog who lose trust and patience so easily and i hate iiiiit so edgy#nano.txt#vent#maybe at this point#i feel both silly and annoyed about it#i'd rather be alone and doing my thing but the world is beautiful and the smile of my friends is so warm
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me when i . when i listen to the soundtrack comforting memories and think about my friends
#speaking#it feels silly but i'm always so scared of losing them#like i'll say one thing wrong and it's gone#and i have proof otherwise i think but its just#i care a lot. i love a lot. i dont know how to portray how important people are#without feeling like i might cross a line i guess#idk. idk i just am so full of it#my friends. i love you. i love you
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and this is happening Just when I was about to consider getting a fucking badge on this site
#every post i make directly referecning this#has me paranoid I'll be deleted#This is the kind of enviroment you've made for your users#I am scared to use this site#I'm scared to use my blog#I'm scared of losing community and platform#and friends and art I've spent years on#because You sir. you are a childish Tyrant#who treats this with such a casual air#while driving fear into your user base.#grow up! go back on vacaction!#step down let someone with a heart take over#just! fucking! stop!
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I'm so glad the era of people calling me innocent, pure or an angel of a person to a "sweet summer child" degree is long over
#surprise: i was just Scared Of Everything almost All The Time#without properly realizing#because I was (and still partially am) afraid of conflicts and tried to make things work out peacefully if possible#which is unrealistic which is why I was constantly lowkey anxious and scared#but at least i tried#<- this isn't about anything extreme like 'should you punch nazis in the face or not'#but more personal conflicts that wasn't even up to me to resolve#but i still tried because i was so scared of things going bad#like more than necessary#but sometimes things have to go bad it's fine#i am better about all of this but that's probably because i'm still tired of it all lol#and i know because of the way I react emotionally intensely to things that i will not fully get so good at handling it#any tense situation especially between friends is something i know i'll handle bad#i lost so many people close to me to death but have never cried without being able to stop#one full morning and afternoon#when i was losing friends around me to conflicts#and then was later called out for not doing anything#bruh i was so unwell#i didn't realize at the time but i was experiencing trauma#critical thinking was the last thing on my mind
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#hello friends I just took ventolin and I am having a panic attack and possibly dying#my heart will soon pop up from my chest#and my whole body is shaking and shivering#so I am looking for some way to distract myself and not to hyoerfocus on my bodily functions#it should be a normal side effect but I never experienced it before so I'm freaking out#how are you all doing? i really hope that everyone is happy and healthy and safe#if not I'm sending all the best things your way#like tomorrow will be the best day of your life...i promise... I'm sure you will feel better tomorrow#whatever is worrying you right now will go away and you will be happy#we will all be okay#everything will be okay#I'm not dying#i really don't want to die#I wanted to die for many years and even did some stupid things but now I'm so grateful to be here#i love my life now and I'm so scared that I'll die and lose everything#because usually when you think you're doing great the universe is preparing something disastrous for you#...so thay you don't stay happy for too long#I'm trying to breathe deep but I feel like it makes my chest hurt more#and I'm so scared to sleep because I don't want to die in my sleep i want to have everything under control if I need help#but I'll be okay... I'll get through this it's just nothing#do you guys have any plans for the summer?#do you remember being at school and having two months holiday without any responsibilities#honestly I don't think I miss it...maybe I prefer to work and have just few weeks off#it's just too much free time for me#now I feel like my body is burning#and I feel my neck pulsating#like I feel my heartbeat in my head#my smart watch is saying that everything is in normal numbers but what of they're inaccurate#I'm losing control of my thoughts so back to getting distracted#maybe I'll try to lay down and sleep
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You are one of the most interesting people I know. Am so lucky to call you a friend.
🤍
#this has been in my inbox since January 20th 2022#I was going to keep it in there forever... but I know who sent it and sometimes I fear I'm drifting away from them#a friend who no longer follows me here#or any of my blogs#and now that I can turn off reblogs I want to preserve this ask outside of the inbox...#I'm so scared I'll come back one day and it will be gone#or I'll clear the inbox on accident#the thought of losing this message makes me anxious
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one of the best things in life is having friends that make you feel normal if that makes sense bc like. i just had a certified trauma moment and then brushed my teeth and checked my phone to see my friend being like. do you wanna come over and watch this batshit bollywood film with me the cinematography is good. and i was like hell yeah if Shah Rukh Khan makes an appearance chances are its gonna be one hell of a ride. and then i just like now i just feel normal actually. friends are good
#nightmare.personal#my friends stabalize me through their just. oh i'll start crying if i think too hard about it#the amount of compassion my friends have despite my isolation behaviors and the amount of splitting i do#through the anger issues and flirting and all that shit people who see that i'm trying to be good#people who think that i am good and they themselves are so radiantly good and caring#and so fucking kind. they keep me afloat#because i can go through hell and they may only know by the slight bite in my voice sometimes because i don't#raelly vocalize most of the stuff i deal with to them#but even when i get snippish they're stilljust. so so kind to me#thhey remind me that my lashing out has consequences & that there is good inside of me & that i'm alive and okay#and then i start to feel more alive and more okay#i'm not always the best eprson to hold relationships with im very unstable and attract people who are similar#but i've found a pretty good group and i am trying as hard as i fucking can not to lose them#and my grip is slipping and i get so scared but every time i check#they're still there.
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#I start a new job on monday#I move in to a new apartment tomorrow#I am so nervous I don't know whether I want to puke or cry or sit huddled on the floor#or just go home#like I just. don't want to#not because it's not interesting#I'm just so horrifically terrified and anxious that I Don't Want To Do This#there are things with the apartment that are up in the air#I'm scared my roommates will hate me#I'm scared the people I will work with will hate me#I'm scared I'll mess up horribly and everyone will think i'm an idiot#I'm scared I'll completely burn out and be a Mess#I'm scared that I'll lose connection with a lot of my friends because I'll be exhausted and have No Time#I just. don't want to do this right now.#I want to drive right on back to california
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I currently need to throw my phone into a river because if my mum looks through my phone I'm fucked
#it'll out me as a system and having various mental illnesses#She'll get mad at me for having online friends#she'll probably force me to block them or something and I want to stay friends with them#Without them I have like 2 friends#And only 1 person I can actually be open with#And every single day I cry because I'm scared of losing the only person who knows me for me#I'll be cut off from the entire world and she'll expect me to be happy#I'm happy when I don't have to hide myself but I can't do that here#I'm in a country that hates me and you except me to feel safe going outside?#The only way I'd feel safe is if I changed my name legally and moved to a completely different country#I can't handle living in England and I don't feel safe in this town#I'll just get harassed or I'll see my rapist and have a panic attack#I need mental help so fucking badly but I live in England where my only fucking option is either better help#Or a Councillor who won't take me seriously#The last 2 counsellors I had were shit#The first one talked down to me constantly and there was a language barrier between me and the second so half the time I had no clue-#- what she was saying#My sh is only getting worse#I've finally started bleeding from my sh#And now I'm scared to show my arms around my parents because they'll blame the internet for it#Not the years of bullying or the emotional abuse or the fact I'm still trying to compute the fact I was fucking raped#I blame myself for everything#The internet is how I try to heal#If I get that taken away from me then I'll have nothing#I'll probably try to convert to Christianity just so I have something to believe in#Even though the idea of a god makes me really fucking paranoid#Nothing fucking helps anymore#The only thing I fucking have is my stupid fucking phone#I'm going to kill myself I swear to fuck#Because in this fucking society all I fucking get is oppressed
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I had a very bad night when I was at a party thr other week and I let loose a little cause my friends wanted to see me drunk even though I told them I am a depressed drunk. Turns out I also do sort of panic attacks? Idk it was really hard to breathe, and I'm no longer self harm sober. Well I'm back on that now, trying at least. But being so isolated at home, not having a hobby you're good at where you can just relax into, and not getting to talk to people in general is...hard. It's hard to stay self harm sober when the thoughts just get too much, cause you don't have no one to talk to who you feel like it's ok to talk about all that stuff (fun fact, it never feels ok), you have stuff to do but they feel extremely complicated with thousands of steps, and you're drowning in general.
Writing in the notes app helps a little but when it's all you do... I'm luck most people don't read those so it feels a little like when I talk in general irl.
I'm drowning myself in fictional worlds to survive my brain but I don't get to put my responsibilities on hold. And it's very stressful.
#I must be bad at friends. Losing so many and being so distant from the rest in general#I was thinking about it thr other day. How even my very close friends I keep at arms length and I just don't know what to do against it#I wish I could just function like a normal human being like a normal person#I know I should go see a therapist again but 1. I dont have the money for that and 2. I have projects for later that will make it harder#Like hopefully moving out to a whole other region and I will need to find someone there so no need to redo that dance again#and also with how right wing this place is I'm kinda scared to even open up there#And I'll be alone again#I just want normal I want some things to work out good for me. I feel like I'm playing a character every day
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