#My sh is only getting worse
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I currently need to throw my phone into a river because if my mum looks through my phone I'm fucked
#it'll out me as a system and having various mental illnesses#She'll get mad at me for having online friends#she'll probably force me to block them or something and I want to stay friends with them#Without them I have like 2 friends#And only 1 person I can actually be open with#And every single day I cry because I'm scared of losing the only person who knows me for me#I'll be cut off from the entire world and she'll expect me to be happy#I'm happy when I don't have to hide myself but I can't do that here#I'm in a country that hates me and you except me to feel safe going outside?#The only way I'd feel safe is if I changed my name legally and moved to a completely different country#I can't handle living in England and I don't feel safe in this town#I'll just get harassed or I'll see my rapist and have a panic attack#I need mental help so fucking badly but I live in England where my only fucking option is either better help#Or a Councillor who won't take me seriously#The last 2 counsellors I had were shit#The first one talked down to me constantly and there was a language barrier between me and the second so half the time I had no clue-#- what she was saying#My sh is only getting worse#I've finally started bleeding from my sh#And now I'm scared to show my arms around my parents because they'll blame the internet for it#Not the years of bullying or the emotional abuse or the fact I'm still trying to compute the fact I was fucking raped#I blame myself for everything#The internet is how I try to heal#If I get that taken away from me then I'll have nothing#I'll probably try to convert to Christianity just so I have something to believe in#Even though the idea of a god makes me really fucking paranoid#Nothing fucking helps anymore#The only thing I fucking have is my stupid fucking phone#I'm going to kill myself I swear to fuck#Because in this fucking society all I fucking get is oppressed
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freaked up self harm culture is, having harmed oneself about six times in the last two days in a visible place, intending to do it again so that it looks like it was just once and really bad, then claiming it was in fact once, so that family won't be as concerned
#tw sh#personal#puddleglum hours#only one person has noticed so far bc ive hidden it successfully so far#she gave me this Look and said 'have you been burning yourself again'#yes ma'am and i am very glad you're away for Christmas now because it's a Lot worse now than it was when you saw it#i might get actual dressing for it tho so i can hide it from my parents and claim it's not as bad as it is bc if they see how it is they'll#know it wasn't an accidenta nd i don't want them worrying about that
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venting dont mind me xp ✌
#if i dont get out of my parents house im going to die#either by my hand or my mothers#i refuse to be forced into the role of woman becuz my mother cant get over herself or accept other peoples suffering#so i either leave or i die#i am never more depressed than when im in this house and it gets worse everytime i return#every second of oeace is a facade careful held up by smiles and jokes while ignoring who i am to please others#and ignorjng the genuinely genocidal beliefs of my parents against myltple peoples#at least one of which includes me#why cant life be easy#when is it .y turn to tbrive#in this hluse i am no older than a middle schooler no more mature or happy#everyday i dream of relapsing sh-ing just for some control of the pain i experiemce something anything#maybe someone will finally listen to me and se ehow ioset i am see how smothered i am and the sting will pull me back down to earth again#but no who would see would understand#my brothers or my parents none of them would kniw why even if i said it to thwir face#i dint event even want to think of what my mother woukd say#shed use it as an excuse to further deny my transness surely#say how horribke and spirtful and manipulative i am against her#that i ddi it to hurt her#i am trapped as a doll in a house only allowed to be agreeable no politics no emotions other tan#contentness and love and adoration for my family#or else i am unloveavle and horrible and sick#i cannot tell my mom she has uoset me becuz it would be unfair i am silent instead#i am to take her anger and rage as a perfect recepticle and no matter how well i handle it#i am thanked with resentment amd scorn amd terfisms#i can neither disagree woth her beliefs nor avoid discussing them to keeo the oeace all she wants is comoliance#i refuse to do that tho ill take hee scorn on that one thing i refuse to xomprimise my beliefs verbally to save my own skin#ill just be quiet#im sure id be a better recepticle for her dead so she can dress me up as a girl one last time#the dead cant argue or disagree with you its everything she wants from me
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on god, tumblr is the only usable social media at this point, i go on twitter and instagram and all i see is nationalists/right extremists/populism believers, i recently saw a take so bad i immediately reduced the twitter time on my phone
#txt#tbf i mainly follow news sites on twitter/insta#but also i see the german twitter trends ans it's geniuely just shit like stolzmonat (taking back german pride (kys))#and ''everything for germany'' (actual nazi saying)#it has gotten worse since musk on twitter unsurprisingly#instagram is just brainless too but at least there people just cry about gender stars and having to eat vegetarian (they don't)#the right populism in this country is getting too far like 20% for the far right party???????? are u all insane????#conservatives pretending like not showing the german flag is our biggest problem hello????????#i refuse to believe social media is an accurate mirror for our society but the opposing parties (and fdp) are doing everything#to make it come true#not sh#saskia talks#i for one would not like to live in the 30s soon#it's inevitable but it can be avoided#maybe the right people die i don't wish it on them but i wouldn't be sad if it happens#or just ''get cancelled'' (challenge impossible death is easier lbr no one actually gets canceled right mr lindemann)#tbh since i've reduced my tiktok time to 15 mins a day it's been very chill and also boring only on there for the avoidance of things
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y'know i don't understand the whole reaching out to your friends when you feel like self harming thing that therapists want you to do because like they can't even help me with that shit themselves. you're supposed to be some kind of psychology professional, ive been talking to people like you since i was like 9 and guess what, im still miserable, i still wanna cut myself. tf is kevin the headshop cashier supposed to say? fucking hell im just so tired
#i just didn't bother texting anybody. i have in the past i know how that goes so what's the point#i guess that's kinda how im feeling about everything y'know#ive seen a million different doctors and been on a million different pills and i only get worse as time goes on so idk#what's the fucking point#i'll just keep sleeping my life away and doing all the same little bad for you coping mechanisms over and over again#because what else is there to do#fuck#vent#vent post#tw vent#vent tw#sh tw#tw sh#self harm#self harm tw#tw self harm
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i was having an okayish mental day today but all of a sudden when i was driving home from work i just started sobbing total breakdown time because i started letting myself think lmao like there is so much i don’t talk about now which is definitely making me worse and definitely bringing out all of my self destructive habits but i’m just like…..tired i’m tired of living in survival mode and feeling like i can’t think straight i’m tired of having nightmares and not sleeping i’m tired of not being able to cut off the person who hurt me for the last 8 years of my life and i’m tired of being alone and feeling lonely but i just can’t do anything i can’t keep up with anything or anyone enough to be a healthy existence in anyones life i’m just so lost and i know i’m in such a bad toxic place and i don’t know when i’m going to figure out anything i have no idea what to do at all but man i’m drowning i really feel like i’m not going to get through this
#relapsing on SH for the 3rd time in the last year and now i’m struggling with ed stuff its like i’m literally 15 again but its 100x worse#all of this is my fault and i’m the only one who can fix my life and get out of this hole but i feel like i really just can’t even begin to#i feel like all i am is traumatized#like there’s nothing else anymore#everything i think i want is so far out of my reach and i dont care enough about me to try for myself#i am so resigned ive been depressed for like 16 years and ive never felt like i was meant to be here maybe i should just accept that#i’m just gonna go to sleep lol
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screaming in the club
time for another vent in tags
#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO#i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe#n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th#ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a#utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai#ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell#like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc#then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no#food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it#harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now.#the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats#fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS.#all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY#SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf#the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther#es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much.#i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the#bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and#no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh#it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression#i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat.#im so close to snapping on them at this point#i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT#everything has gone to shit#vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.
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feeling misery and despair about going back to work btw. im trying to suppress it and i did a good job but the inevitable is inevitable
#purrs#i had like 3 massive breakdowns at the end of the week incl one on friday when i was off. and then i was like ok. i am literally weak and sh#shaking from all of that let me just pretend none of it happened. and i did!!! i pretended so well that i have felt basicslly normal all#weekend. i played a lot of video games and i even went out twice.. once to a chorus concert on campus (which is big bc being on campus ummmm#is deeply agitating to me rn ♥️) and today to home depot w my family to wander around the plants and hear the birds. i am suppressing things#and i know i am but if i don’t think about thst i feel so normal. except now it’s 11:16 on a sunday night and i have work tomorrow. and i#know most of the horrors are over but there are still so many more fucking horrors ahead. saying goodbye to people i love and anniversaries#of things happening including today being the 4 year anniversary of a certain email lol. and i can FEEL the difference. the way my stomach#is in knots bc weekends are only so long (even long ones) and i can only hold back the horrors for a little while. it’s all temporary. augh.#i literally need like a whole month off i think. idk. work stuff has fucked up my mental health beyond belief this year and it’s so sad bc t#this is my dream job but im in so much mental pain and physical exhaustion constantly and they beget themselves and by the end of the week#im miserable. but the semester is about to end. but what if it doesn’t get better bc EVERY single god damn time we talk about how it’s gonna#get better it quite literally gets worse lol 💖 i can’t im not strong enough. coming up on 5 years here and im not fucking strong enough!#but i will heal eventually i think. i just need the horrors to cease for long enough for me to catch my breath (and other redacted things ♥️
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just gonna vent for a sec please dont mind me
#………………………….#i just need to put some thoughts out in the universe because i cant stand them anymore inside of me#sh tw#i feel like such a failure and a stupid piece of shit#i have so much anger inside of me#i dont feel it much usually but some days i just feel this violent need to scream my lungs out#and then if things get worse the urge changes if u know what i mean#and i have been feeling so isolated and not even misunderstood tbh because people just dont seem to care about almostanything thats about me#and i just cant help somehow reaching the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me. im just not worth caring about#and i tell myself that thats okay but its not and im not okay and my hatred for myself just gets worse and worse#not only for that but because i keep feeling disappointed with people and i cant find the courage to say shit#and all of these feelings in my head converge into one thing at the end of the day#and i couldnt help it tonight#i tried but i was physically unable to stop thinking about it#and so i gave in after almost two months of being able to resist#and it was bad#i dont panic often when i do this because i know my limits but tonight i went too far and i panicked and i just spent an hour sobbing in the#bathroom and feeling stupid and sorry for myself#what a stupid life
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#i think?? i shouldnt be getting bruises this easily and they shouldnt take so long to heal#and as a problem solver its irking me i cant fix this on my own#or ignore it away#or like fake it away#its making itself known whayever this is#and i just have to sit it out till it geta worse? and as others notice#bc like how can i go to a doctor and be like... im not sure?#the only times i am sure bc the only times i acutely remember when i got bruises and where they are from is feom sh#and then i can track how long they heal and how i got them and how bad tbey wete compared to how i got them#or like from self sabotaging behavior#or like when my mental state is shadowed by my mentall illness and im like woozy and shit#and i cant trust myself then#how the hell is a doctor going to trust me#i sure as hell dont think i shouldve gotten these bruises from last night and i just wanna cry about my iron deficiency anemia#and how much im struggling#but i cant without mentioning how much worse the mental stuff is#bc the anemia is just the last final drop thats overflowing the barrel#it's not the whole fucking water tower that's ready to collapse yknow?#but yeah#that's how i live my life#waiti g for the collapse and fixing the patches#idk#i wanna write an evil fic#and having to shower just now (yes it is like a dialy routine but it DOES NOT help) it makes it WORSE#bc it alwYs always always triggers a spiral of multiple clawing infestations#and i already started crying twice in the movies today even hile i closed my eyes so i wouldnt have to watch emotional scenes#like i havent even been to the movies in over 1.5ys bc of sensory issues i literally sat there on sunglasses and noisecancelling headphons#and im just#im so tired#im so fucking tired
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#ok but i hve such a huge problem wirh sh now and its only getting worse and i see my therapist in like 2/3 weeks i think?????????#i
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i hate it. i hate it so much. and i hate that it calls to me so strongly and that i can't or won't resist it. i don't know how to live a normal life. i probably will never know.
#tw ed#tw sh#<- technically i was writing this about the former and the way things have been getting worse lately but also the latter has become#a lot harder to ignore a lot more#which is not very fun#i foresee a relapse in my future#i DEFINITELY foresee a sh relapse#practically inevitable atp#i mean ive been harming but not loads but i expect an uptick#do i care? not really honestly#i don't foresee a major ed relapse bc the only way it can become anything worth anyone really caring about is if i add purging to the list#of vices. which i have not done yet#apart from one isolated incident#personal#puddleglum hours
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genuinely tried to Be Asleep for like two hours this time and just couldn't. I think i'm cursed [unwell]
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#feels pretty much like the first night i got sick (remember that breakdown? lol) except this time i have Overcome the illness#mostly anyways.#but yeah i'm just. augh. not only do i have to deal with literal nightly thoughts of sh now i can't even sleep?!#my curse of Hearing Things immediately working against me the moment i can't hear things clearly#cause ... now i REALLY don't know whats going on#like i know it's not my business and shouldn't be my business but a) i live here and b) i have to hear it either way.#just ... yeah. now that we're probably as settled in as things are gonna get i REALLY do not feel like i'm meant to be here#not in general; as in this physical actual space. there's no thought that something should be made for all of us since they have work#& i ... well i do but [redacted]. so it's the work i make for myself mostly. but yeah so it doesn't matter if nobody sees me eat breakfast#(dont care about that anyways) and it doesnt matter that nobody sees me eat dinner (maybe i care A Little ok) because the whoooole rest of#the day is nebulous Lunch Time. and oh boy let me tell you. i'm not having that either#cause uhm. 'you can eat our food' only means so much until money comes into the equation#like BOY if i thought i was messed up about that before let me tell you: it has become Worse#i dunno. i try to have good days and yet the moment its Asleep Time i am someone completely different#like ... it's like seasonal depressiom but WORSE because theres SUNLIGHT and i LOVE SUNLIGHT#no yeah i think that's exactly the sort of thing i can liken it to now that i think of it#cause i always have like... seasonal issues when it starts gettin dark around 4-5ish range. except right now its summer so its NOT#wish i knew how to really be normal. then maybe at least if i wouldnt have good music making material i could like. meaningfully contribute#to my existence as a roommate#'i'm doing great' says man who is somehow Still Not#relatedly i think my next public facing breakdown is either gonna be about this still or about spinning in the pride parade. time will tell#....i can hear them AGAIN i know why IM up why are THEY#/bangs on wall Go To Sleeeeep leave me alone to also sleep T_T#that's ... that's a joke by the way i'm not doing that. i do feel more tired now so maybe i will have somewhat restful sleep. hopefully
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im sooo glad I found this razor my arms are literally dripping with blood I love feeling it flow and watching my skin pull apart and soaking my tissues with red. keeping them to stare at, leaving the stains on the blade. I barely care how much I risk infection by not cleaning, I need to see my work and marvel at how much progress I'm making getting rid of the toxins inside me. people will say that this must feel awful but really it only feels good to me
#I haven't gotten a single infection from my. what 4-5 years of sh?#it's gotten worse recently to be fair but yknow. oh well#those comments thinking it must only be painful and im just doing this bc I don't have a healthy way to vent are so annoying#I don't even have to be upset to do it#I honestly just enjoy it regardless of mental health#I don't even wanna stop if I do get better#it's just pleasurable to me#having a hard time admitting whether it's just a kink at this point#the thought of somebody tracing my body with a knife and leaving little cuts does sound so hot#I do in fact wanna get mauled by nightmare fredbear#do not know where the line is between sh and kink tbh 👍#tw sh#sh#tw cvt#sh cvt#cvtting
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#almost 1 week sober and 2 weeks clean rn#it feels like it’s been. so much longer than that#and have spent the majority of that time debating if it’s worth it#if I can even say anything act like it’s a problem when I know others struggle with it worse#but like what’s the alternative keep up the stupid habits till it is that bad and I Definitely won’t be able to get clean and sober#I mean sh is something I’ve struggled with for over a decade now#because when it was at a point I probably coulda gotten better I was like ‘yea but I’m not That bad’#and kept going till it was That bad and a decade later my longest clean streak is only two months#I rarely get past a week or two#so like yea okay others have it worse but do I really want to keep seeing just how bad I can get before realizing I need to stop#ghost rambles
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Been asking myself what the fuck I'm even trying for a lot lately haha
#vent#whats the point. what is the fucking point anymore#why am i even here#the only reason i havent killed myself is bc other people are relying on me#and things just keep getting worse i feel like ill never be stable#but i cant reach out for help bc both mentally and situation wise im p much doing the best out of my entire system of people#i spend too much time convincing myself not to sh#when it wouldnt fucking matter anyway bc nobody would know#and it might make me feel better
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