#i've always loved reading!!!! imagining is such a beautiful experience. you can go to a whole different world

[noxtivagus]

🥺 thinking about ffxiv again hehe

[mywifealhaitham]

pre release boothill relationship headcanons!!!

a/n: I'm fiending off crumbs... I've wanted to read some x reader of him but theres none so I gotta write it myself. I hope the other 4 boothill fans enjoy

warnings: gn!reader, like 2 gendered pet names (pretty girl/boy), most of this is written with bias because we don't have alot to go off, obviously written prerelease, when we actually get content of him I'll definitely be rewriting

LEAKS AHEAD!!!

bc: Valentine_DD_ on twt

- Boothill is described as a righteous person if his bottom line doesn't get crossed, so he definitely treats you good. probably more on the protective side when it comes to you, he's probably not afraid to use his gun if someone is threatening you.

- and believe me he's intimidating. from his overall tough and "unruly" cowboy look to his mechanical body it leaves enemies just a little challenged. he lowers his voice too and probably has a more fierce look in his eyes too. after any threats have been delt with he probably turns to you and turns into the sweetest thing ever, a wide grin across his face and his hands on your cheeks peppering you with small kisses.

- Its said he's a bit sophisticated due to his experiences so I'd like to imagine sometimes he charms you with facts and details about other planets or just genuinely sharing some tips and tricks he's picked up from other cultures. he's also a person who can get along with others pretty well but he can easily give strangers an impression he's selfish and is a bad person.

- again this kinda feeds into he's basically you'd guard dog... but I mean who wouldn't want to be saved by a handsome and sweet cowboy. despite his unpredictable personality and looks he's a huge gentleman for sure. always opens doors and pulls out chairs for you, makes sure your behind him and okay if any danger approaches and practically listens to your every command (lowkey giving off my girl and I don't argue she tells me to shut up and I do)

- one part I'm so excited to see is what they mean by he's illiterate and using metaphors. it's probably just him using slang but it's still kinda cute. I feel like his cheesy and strange metaphors turn into pick up lines when talking to you. perhaps he'll pull a "did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" or something cheesier. Definitely a huge nickname guy, almost never uses your real name. I'm guessing he'd use stuff like doll, sugar, baby, pretty girl/boy and more teasing names. heavy on doll and sugar and just imagine him saying it in a deep southern accent... 😍 kicking my feet. also I imagine he loves making you giggle by not cursing (because he literally cant) and normally he'd get pissed if someone laughed at him like that if it's you he doesn't mind at all.

- that's pretty much it for like analyzing the leaks I saw but now the stuff up ahead is just bias yapping because I always project

- HE DEFINITELY IS A HAND KISSER. greets you by getting on one knee, holding his hat to his chest and kissing your hand. makes eye contact with you too and does that toothy smirk of his IM SWOONINGGG

- maybe he's a dancer! pulls you into his arms and places his hat on your head when a good song plays in taverns. even if your clueless on any type of dances then he'll pull you along to the beat whispering Instructions in your ear.

- gets so lovesick when drunk it drives everyone mad. any folks he's sitting with at a bar gets a whole speech on his wonderful beautiful darling who he owes his live and would happily die by their hand. and may God save you when you come pick him up because he'll be all over you. Immediately he wraps a arm around your waist as he slurrs his hello as he proceeds to tell you he loves you like 40 times. besides the mass amounts of kisses you'll receive once you both reach a private spot he let's some feelings that he might be too shy to share normally, holding your face as he calls you his pretty girl/boy and how he's so lucky to have you.

- honestly not the best for cuddling however unfortunately he needs to cuddle you to sleep so goodluck! his metal body isn't completely uncomfortable it's just cold alot. he tries to get around this by literally preheating himself with blankets before you go to bed.

very bad boothill brainrot atm... only a few more weeks until we get official content 😭 everyone hold hands we got this

here's the actual leaks if anyone is curious ^_^

[venerawrites]

Hi theree 🌺👋👋

I was wondering if you could make some headcannons for a s/o who has a high sex drive. (Like they love getting pounded by their mans💋💋💋)

With kakashi, sai, shino , and Gaara 🌹

Thank you! Stay hydrated pls 🏊🏊

author's note: oh, such an interesting idea! Hope you enjoy! Thank you so much for requesting <3

warning: 18+ content, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

➤ Kakashi

A s/o who has a libido as high as his? YES, PLEASE!

It is not a secret that Kakashi loves sex - he likes reading about it, he likes thinking about it and he LOVES doing it.

Most of his life he has shielded this side of him from his partners, too afraid they would find it weird or accuse him of being a pervert.

When he got in a relationship with his s/o, both of them were too shy to relax and voice their needs out loud. After they had their first time, however, his partner would quickly forget their morals and would not be shy to literally BEG for his cock.

Kakashi would lie if he says he doesn't love it - there is no sight more beautiful than his beloved on their knees, eyes hazed and hands gripping his tights, while they whine about how bad they need him.

He is definitely a tease, so while he would die to just slam his s/o on his desk and pound into them, he would always restrain himself and edge his lover for as long as he can control himself. Kakashi can and WILL be very mean about it - this man has quite a lot of patience and can prolong foreplay for literally hours.

99% of the time he would give his s/o what they want but that doesn't mean it would always be long and sensual - if he is working or busy in general, all he can offer is 5 minutes of his time and his s/o would have to do all of the work too.

Totally the type to punish his s/o for being a brat later that evening - and, if anything, it would encourage his lover even more to experiment with how far they can push Kakashi's limits.

➤ Sai

Sai is more fascinated by it than turned on by it.

I've always imagined him as someone who likes to have sex occasionally, but doesn't really has a high drive.

Like does it feel nice? Sure, it is pretty pleasurable. But is not something he would actively seek, neither need.

Yet he finds his s/o eagerness to have him inside of them both amazing and cute. There is just something about the way they pressed themselves close to him, looking at him with wide eyes and whispering sweet words into his ear, that really get him going.

He is a very big PLEASER so he would never say 'no' to his s/o advances -even if he is not in the mood to actually have sex, he would always be up to pleasure them with his fingers or mouth.

Sai is not very experimental in the bedroom - preferably he would pound into his beloved either from behind or in a missionary position, but he is always eager to impress and if his s/o shares with him their fantasies, he would make sure to bring each one of them to reality.

Can be quite abrupt and blunt, sometimes putting both himself and his s/o in uncomfortable situations by saying stuff like "You are in the mood, aren't you? I feel your hand going up my leg.", while being out with ALL of your friends.

He would always make sure to show his s/o how sorry he is afterwards tho - and if he was particularly bad, he may even let them punish him for his "bad behaviour".

➤ Shino

Most of the time, Shino would absolutely love his s/o high sex drive.

The thing about this man is that he goes through different periods when it comes to his needs - sometimes he wants to ram into his s/o every day at least twice, sometimes he is not really in the mood for it for weeks.

When he craves some physical intimacy, he would like to play stupid with s/o and pretend he doesn't really understand what they want, till they specifically describe in detail what they want him to do to them.

Just like Kakashi he is a MASSIVE tease - he has an enormous self-control and can edge his lover for a whole day, completely ignoring the almost painful boner in his pants.

Shino has a very high stamina can go for multiple rounds one after the other, making sure his partner is completely satisfied. He would find their limp walk extremely funny the next day.

However, if he is in one of his periods, when he doesn't really feel horny, there is not much his s/o can do - if he is not in the mood for it, he won't do it at all.

He still has some mercy on his s/o so I think if they are very good he would either satisfy them with his hands or will encourage them to use one of the many toys he has brought for them for times like this.

Luckily for his s/o his periods of abstinence rarely last longer than two weeks and once he start feeling needy again, he makes sure to properly show his beloved how much he loves and appreciate them.

➤ Gaara

Right, I feel like I may get hated for this but... this man doesn't really have a high libido. Like at all.

He likes to be intimate with his partner in a way to show them that he loves them every few days or once per week, but it is definitely not an every-day occurrence.

Gaara would find the idea of his s/o needing him so often flattering and he may occasionally give them what they ask for, but I don't see him entertaining it too much.

After all he is a Kazekage and as such he is often either too busy or too tired for sex. He usually gently let his partner know he is not in the mood, but if they bother him at work or during a meeting, he would be bit annoyed with them.

He is not opposed to his lover self-pleasuring, but he won't be the one to go out of his way and actually buy them toys. He respect this as his s/o's private time and doesn't want to interfere with it.

If he is also in the mood, he would openly accept their advances toward him and submit to all of their desires. He is usually the dominant partner, but he is not nearly as cruel as Kakashi or Shino. Most of the times he urges his s/o to tell him what they want, before he rewards them with a long, passionate sex.

Even tho he is not in the mood often, he has quite the stamina and can go for hours if his s/o let him. I think he likes to edge himself more than his partner, making it his mission to make them cum at least a few times before he fills them up.

He is not the perfect lover for someone, who craves intimacy all the time, but is definitely someone who can blow their mind every single time they are doing it.

cc artwork: Rowena Doge

[naranjapetrificada]

In this weird wonderful AU Georg fandom that is OFMD we have so many beautiful options. I was never, ever an AU type until now, but I truly can't get enough. Just last night I stayed up entirely too late because I finally got into Wave Hello to the Void, which on its face should absolutely positively not be My Thing, but the AUs we're blessed with here seem to always break that rule (especially with mxmollusca involved because holy shit have you read In Favor With Their Stars yet???).

We're so incredibly lucky y'all. I've been in fandom spaces for a long time but I've never felt this lucky.

We get different takes on time travel. We get the multiverse (and in so many beautiful forms). We get thought-provoking fantastical allegories and devastating (but often hopeful?) prequels with fascinating studies of character and fascinating takes on soul mates. We get complete fantasy overhauls that are gem-like in the beauty and precision of their prose and world-building. We get darling modern AUs and heartwrenching (but still ultimately happily-ending) modern AUs and modern AUs in basically every possible permutation, including ghost stories.

We get dystopias and apocalypses and post-apocalypses, meditations on love and existence, metafictional experiments in Not-RPF that draw even the biggest RPF skeptics (*points to self*) in, leaving us to wrestle with fundamentally altered attitudes toward storytelling that we may never be able to reconcile. Hell, even the missing scenes, canon-divergence, and fix-its hit different. Not to mention westerns with outlaws and cowboys, an archetype which conveniently also manages to scratch the proverbial pirate itch.

Even though pretty much every fandom has these things, for me at least they've never felt quite so imaginative and well-executed. We're so lucky to be here, to be writing for each other and reading for each other and for many of us, feeling creative for the first time in years or even decades. The gay pirates did that for us, because good source material can be the key to great fan works. And whether or not we get a third season, as much as they can't take the show from us, they also can't take away the gift that getting to experience all these fanworks has been. That's something I'm going to keep reminding myself while we wait.

and idk maybe tell your cowboy fanart friends that Ed can also ride horses as a steppe warrior or whatever

[golbrocklovely]

cultish love // colby brock

A/N: first off, so sorry for this being so late, i had a lot of things i had to edit about this fic. also this is my longest fic ever ! like the other fic before this, this is a AU version of colby… where he, you guessed it, is a cult leader. and he is also corrupt (but like aren't all cult leaders). again this deals with some possible heavy themes, so give a good read of the trigger warnings before reading ahead. i've always joked about colby being able to lead a cult, and that's basically where this idea came from. this fic also took a turn i wasn't expecting, but i like it anyway. also the first half is written as a journal entry (all italized) and then the rest is an actual fic (not italized). lmk what you think, and happy haunting !

prompt: you're a journalist, and your next big story is on the 'empathic love' cult, led by none other than colby brock. this cult is not known well, but you are getting a first hand look at them and what they do. and quickly, colby takes a liking to you. || fem!reader x AU!cult leader!colby brock

trigger warning: SMUT, no actual sex but you do get mentally fucked (it will make sense in the story), cult vibes all around, love bombing, cursing, supernatural powers, colby is very intense and kinda scary but also still his charming self, slight dubcon similar in vain to sam's story - you never say no outright, but you do have general feelings of 'wtf is this, idk if i like' so if that's too much for you, feel free to read something else :), colby's aura is crazy good at giving you visions, strangers-to-soulmates?? don't know if that's a tag lol, also…. colby's technically bisexual in this????? but like barely

word count: 8610

I've been a reporter for only five years, and this story.... it could make or break my career. Cults aren't as prevalent as they once were way back when. They still exist, just in the shadows. A lot quieter on most fronts. Usually disguised as a business or religion, for tax reasons of course. But this cult, Empathic Love, is unlike any cult I've heard of.

Of course, they don't call themselves a cult, but that's what they are. How else would you describe a bunch of randos following one man around wherever he goes?

They only started so many years ago, right before I graduated university. The main founder, Colby Brock, is a pragmatic individual, according to his followers. The cult began blowing up in my town a little over two years ago, and now people flock from all over the world to visit the Love Compound. You would think it's Disney World the way people grow excited about it.

But I am here to get to the truth of this cult. What is their motive? What are they planning to do? Will this be another Waco or Heaven's Gate? What sinister beliefs hide underneath the modern-day hippie aesthetic they show?

These notes will document everything I experience for the next couple of days. And in case I go missing, these are my proof of who's to blame.

I don't think it will go that far, but you can never be too sure.

~~~~

Day 1 - Investigation

I'm still incredibly surprised I was allowed to come onto the Love Compound. The leader himself apparently reached out to my boss and told them that they wanted someone to come down and interview the group. They allow visitors from time to time, "new recruits" as some of the townspeople call them, but reporters have never been allowed in. Not once. Until me.

Driving up to the compound was nerve-wracking. I never imagined I would be nervous; I've interviewed plenty of criminals in my years, have done full blown investigations into scary, horrifying crimes. But something about this place freaked me out. Partially because I didn't know what I was getting into. But another part of me, and I will never admit this out loud, felt... at home.

The only promise I made to myself was I wouldn’t drink any kool-aid while there. So, I plan to stick to that. Pretend my previous statement never existed.

I was greeted by a beautiful woman when I got there: Avery. No one went by last names. And some apparently changed their names altogether, which was not surprising. My guess is there were most likely criminals hanging out amongst the group. But I had no proof of that, just a hunch. It easily could be a safe haven for those wanting to escape whatever life they had before.

The compound was three Victorian style mansions connected to each other and had a decent size farm attached - about 222 acres. Avery told me about all of the vegetables and chickens they farmed. Everything was organic and used up as often as possible. Anything that couldn't be eaten or produced too much for the only 100ish people in the compound, was sold at the farmer's market or given away to the local food bank. Avery explained to me very clearly that everyone in the compound chipped in one way or another. Some still worked normal jobs, but just lived here with everyone. But she noted that Colby hoped in the near future no one would have to work at all and they would be self-sufficient in a couple years.

A cult with future plans? Almost unheard of.

I told Avery that I was given an all-access pass to ask anything I wanted to, and nothing I asked could be ignored or deflected. She agreed to an interview. I recorded all of it, but here are the highlights of what I gathered.

I asked her why Colby was such a secretive man. There were very few photos of him that did exist out there, but all that was rumored about him was his alluring eyes and generally attractive presence. She agreed that he was handsome, describing his as having "ocean blue eyes" and his voice was to die for. "Deep and arousing", as she explained.

I noted that she seemed almost lost in thought at the idea of him, like she was envisioning him directly in front of her. Strange behavior; but not for a cult follower. Many end up falling in love with their leader, believing they have a genuine relationship with said person.

I bought up the name of the group, Empathic Love, and said it felt a little too inviting. She laughed and told me that it was right on the money - the best way to describe why everyone was there. She expressed to me that so many of Colby's followers wanted peace and love and light, and that being in this group felt like that. It was rewarding to be surrounded by those that cared and wanted to see each other succeed. Life outside the walls of the compound was rough, scary, draining; but inside, it was all love.

Call me cynical, but I don't believe that for a second. It took all the strength I had to keep from rolling my eyes at her. But I could tell from her voice, her motions... she was telling the truth. Well, her truth.

I wanted to know what brought her here, so she spoke of her previous life. She was abused growing up, moved around a lot in foster care. She was almost homeless, and then one day she ran into Colby. He had just begun the Empathic Love group, and she just knew she had to stick with him. Her life immediately turned around the moment he was in her life. The adoration in her eyes told me a different story, so I pressed her - "are you and Colby... together?" She smiled and said no, but she knew that they were life partners before, just not currently.

Oh... so it's one of those types of cults.

She said that Colby doesn't have a second in command, wife, girlfriend, whatever. Everyone is equal and heard. He's just the face of the group, which is a bit ironic given even I have no clue what he looks like. I knew he was young, in his mid-20s. But other than that, no idea.

I needed to know, why stay? What keeps you here? A dreamy look came over her, like she had said this a million times before: "Colby. He is love, and that's all anyone could ask for."

Chills ran up my spine at the tone of her voice. It was dull, and her words sounded like a mantra, the way she said them so easily.

I wrapped up my interview with her, quiring if I was allowed to interview others. She said yes and began sending over random people one-by-one to me.

If I hadn't gotten chills from her first, I would have from everyone else. Something about seeing everyone saying similar things, smiling happily, like the ship isn't sinking around them was eerie. It made my stomach churn when I would ask questions I already asked Avery, and get almost the same speech back.

I interviewed about 15 people. All variety of ages and genders. I suddenly realized that there were no children around, and everyone was over the age of 21.

Consenting adults… minus the supposed brainwashing.

A couple of the interviewees stuck out to me:

Penelope, 25. Her upbringing was similar to Avery's, but she still kept in contact with her family. Apparently, she wasn't the only one like that either. Many still kept in touch and even visited their loved ones. I asked her to describe Colby, tell me anything about him. She giggled, almost like a schoolgirl, and began to weave such a story about him. He was kind and caring. His smile was contagious, just like his laugh. And his singing voice was fantastic. She talked about him like he was a boy band member, and she was his biggest fan. I asked her to give one word to describe him, and she said "Love. He is love, and that's all anyone could ask for."

Greg, 36. He had fallen into rough times, and desired a fresh start. He had heard about this group online, and figured checking them out while he was in town wouldn't hurt. And that was a couple years ago. I wondered why he didn't feel weird listening to someone that was younger than him, and he shrugged. It was nice not having eyes on him. He loved being in a wallflower, and he believed that Colby deserved all the love he got from everyone in the group. Every ounce he got was ten-folded back into the group. Greg had never felt so connected to a group of people and he knew it was all thanks to Colby. "He brought love into my life like I never have had it before. Because that's who he is: love."

Heather, 29. She mentioned how for most of her life she felt like shit. Her confidence was at an all-time low when she met Colby. He encouraged her to keep at it, to love herself and find happiness everywhere. And by spending more and more time with him, she did. She has never felt more confident about herself, her life, her direction, and Colby is the reason for that. The tone that took over her voice when she bought him up was odd. It was very similar to a partner describing the love of their life, almost like wedding vows. I asked her haphazardly about her love life, how that was going for her. And she told me she had been on many dates - something she never used to do back when she was younger or before Colby. But she did note that regardless of who she ends up with, she knows that a part of her heart will always belong to Colby. They were connected, forever. "Love and light and happiness is what I desired, and I got it - all because Colby exists in my life now."

It felt like I was getting nowhere with some of these interviews. Many said the same thing, Colby being love and light and blah blah blah. I wanted someone that wasn't gonna just quote to me whatever mantra he made them learn. And luck was on my side, because I was able to interview their newest member, Ash. They were 23, and very beautiful. There was an almost smugness about them, like they knew they were the shiny new toy on the block. The confidence only a young 20-something year old could have.

I asked them, point blank, about Colby. Be brutally honest. They told me he was hot, and that's what drew them to him. They liked the idea of living in a group setting, especially since they grew up with many brothers and sisters. They liked helping out, and they liked knowing that Colby was keeping an eye on them the most recently. I then followed up with how long it took for them to join the group. "Three days. That's how long it takes for everyone."

I questioned them about the "Colby is love" thing, and they agreed it was a bit strange, but they couldn't help but feel the same way as everyone else. They were like a moth to a flame when it came to him. Everything about him was hypnotizing, entrancing. It was like staring at the sun; even though you knew to look away, you just couldn't help it.

Then I had to know: were they sleeping with him? Most of these cults feed off of the leader fucking every person they wanted to and leaving other members high and dry. But for some reason, it felt as if Colby was sleeping with everyone with the way they all talked about him. Ash dissented, saying no one was sleeping with him. He didn't sleep with any of his followers. But they all shared a deep, sensual mental connection with him. They felt like, sometimes, he was in their soul. And that sensation alone was euphoric, bordering on orgasmic. They also knew that in another life, they would have been together, similar to what Avery said.

It was then I knew that this group was clinically insane, or just really infatuated by what Colby was selling. It had to have been some crazy brainwashing. But it was odd; people were allowed to leave, to see loved ones, to have lives outside of the compound walls. Hell, some had dating lives that included those not here! That's unheard of, and completely stupid on Colby's part if he wants to keep things going.

A cult leader that wanted to watch his world implode.... I had to meet him. I had to meet the myth that was Colby Brock. And tomorrow I get my chance to.

~~~~

Day 2 - Interview with Colby

I feel the need to explain that these are my notes, not really meant for anyone else to see. And really, the only reason anyone would be seeing this is if I disappear or got murdered.

So, I say all of that just so I know, for myself, that this is a safe space for me to express my truest emotions and thoughts after interviewing Colby.

And all I can say, honestly, is that... I get it. I understand it now.

I felt my nerves hit their break last night before going to sleep, unable to stop my mind reeling from what was to come. I ended up bringing along a bodyguard, or really a photographer. I had known Trey since I started working as a journalist, and I knew I could rely on him to get us out of the Empathic Love compound if anything went south. I wasn't sure what I was up against when I went to interview Colby, but God... I didn't think I was so underprepared.

I met him in his office, Avery walked me over to it. It was up in the attic of the third house. It overlooked the entire property with wide windows. For an attic, I expected it to feel dark and dusty, but surprisingly it was light and airy. Almost like being out in the woods and taking a deep breath.

Colby was sitting in his main office chair. He spun around to see us, a light smile on his face. I'll be honest - I was taken aback by his beauty. I understood Ash's whole spiel about him being attractive and looking at him was like looking at the sun. It was intense. He was intense. His blue eyes bore into me, almost like they could see through me. I felt chills, but they weren't of fear. It was out of... excitement, of awe.

He greeted me, giving me a warm handshake. I hate to admit that I almost blushed at the sound of him saying my name. I had to take a couple deep breaths before starting. Avery left the room, and Trey sat outside the door, in case of backup.

I recorded our interview, knowing that I couldn't keep track of everything he said. But listening back to it now, his voice.... it's like a song. A beautiful, spellbinding song. I could almost fall asleep to it....

I asked him about his life, and how he came to be a leader for a group like Empathic Love. He spoke of his upbringing lightly, barely scraping the surface. He talked about growing up pretty normally, having a loving family, a great friend group, and then one day realizing that he could make a change in the world. That many people loved him and loved being around him. And that's when he knew that if he could make their lives better, he would. So, he started Empathic Love. Originally, it was just gonna be a safehouse for those that needed it. But then more and more people joined and suddenly, it grew into what it was today.

I asked where his family was now. "In Kansas," he told me. He said nothing further than that.

He humbly spoke of all the love he received from his followers, or his "friends" as he put it. They all cared about him in a way that he only wished he could return tenfold. I questioned him about the whole "Colby is love" thing. "How come everyone says almost the exact same thing, like they've been brainwashed into saying it?" He didn't even trip over his words as he spoke matter-of-factly to me. "I didn't come up with that phrase, they did. You would have to ask them. I take it as the highest form of a compliment, truly. I'll be honest, it's a bit embarrassing at times when they call me that, but I can't help what they do. I appreciate their love, nonetheless."

I continued asking him about different topics, until finally reaching the one I was most intrigued about. "How many of your followers - excuse me - friends, have you slept with?" He smirked, smirked, at me and said "None. Did any of them tell you that we slept together?"

"No, but the way they talk about you like the sun shines out of your ass does seem a bit odd, don't you think?"

He looked unphased. God, he had an answer for everything. "I'll be honest with you, some of my friends might be in love with me. But I make it abundantly clear that while I love them, and love their love, I don't have feelings for them. I'm still looking for the one."

I remember holding back a glare, "So, you're celibate?"

"Now, I never said that." He let out a chuckle, then his eyes darkened. "Why do you care so much about my sex life? Unless of course, you want to join it."

I tried ignoring his gaze and his words but stuttered through my next question. “Then who exactly is the right one for you, if it's not one of your followers or friends?”

It took him a while to answer, he even closed his eyes for a bit. He sat up once he knew, sauntering over to his window that overlooked it all. "I imagine the one for me is someone that will bring peace to me and my life. Someone that for all my faults, can see who I am truly deep down. She will love me, and I will worship her. I will show her what true love feels like. Our souls will be one, because they always have been."

Something strange came over me. I don't know why I said it, but I uttered, "What about looks?"

Who cares about looks! Why did I ask about looks? I was a serious journalist, not a reporter for Star Magazine!

He looked over his shoulder at me, "Looks aren't that important to me. What matters is mind and soul. Who you are deep down. But if I had to pick… someone like you. I feel someone like you would be a perfect fit around here."

I wanted to give him the sassiest voice and rebuttal I could muster, but deep down I was shaking. Energy raced through my body, like I had been electrified.

He kept his back to me, staring out the window. “I'm not trying to be overly complimentary. I'm just being honest. But I can tell that you would do so well to have us around. To have... me, in your life. I bring a lot of love to people's lives, that's for sure. But I also bring a lot of drive, and passion, and intimacy.”

Intimacy?

“People open up when I'm around. They tell me everything, even things they never dreamt of telling another person. And I allow it, because clearly, they needed to express it. And once they do, it's like the floodgates open. Love and light just start pouring into them, into their life, and it's overwhelming - but so worth it. Doesn't that sound nice?”

I guess so...

“I bring happiness to so many. My friends have told me that they get jittery around me, I'm like a shot of adrenaline. And that energy, that power, courses through them. And when it gets expressed, it comes out in…” He took a long pause, turning back to me. The look in his eyes… I can remember it as if he was still in front of me. “Pleasurable ways.”

I hate admitting this, and it's embarrassing to say it even now, but I felt a jolt of... something, run through me. I won't even say what it was out loud, in fear of never being taken seriously again. But what happened after that, I don't know if words can even express it well.

Colby continued talking, but I couldn't pick up on any of it. He was talking up a storm, but I couldn't help the sensations I was feeling. Even in my wildest of fantasies, I've never felt anything in reality. It was all in my mind. But in that very moment, it felt like it was happening to me.

I felt lips tread up my neck, stopping just below my ear. A hot, low moan breathed into my ear. My spine tingled at the sound, my hands gripping the armrests of the chair. If I didn't know any better, I would think Colby was behind me, making those noises. My hands suddenly felt hands on top of them. My eyes widened, looking down, but nothing was there. I couldn't really move my arms once the invisible hands were there. My whole body felt numb and heavy, relaxed. My mind was the one on edge, worried as to why I was feeling all of this.

I hadn't eaten or drank anything at the compound. Maybe it was being poured into the room by the vents? I don't know, but something was making me feel this way.

The invisible hands drifted up my arms, massaging my shoulders for a moment. My head lulled back, almost hitting the back of the chair. My mind was on high alert, but my body was about ready to fall asleep. The hands relaxed me so much that my eyes began to flutter.

But then... they drifted down my torso. They traced along my neck gently, drawing small, insignificant patterns. The hands grew lower and lower until they finally were on my chest. I felt the hands cup my breasts softly, my breath hitching in my throat. They kneaded my tits gingerly, my nipples hardening in my bra. I bit my lip, praying that I wouldn't make a sound. It was hard not to, especially when the delicate fingers of these invisible hands found my nipples, gently pinching them.

I remember closing my eyes tight. Trying to clear my mind. This wasn't actually happening to me. There was no way. This was a psychosis or a drug hallucination that was happening to me and Colby was doing nothing about it.

One hand drifted down my body, stopping right above my sex. I suddenly became very aware at how wet I was, my eyes widening. I felt a rush of blood flow through my cheeks. I was about to get caught. These invisible hands made me wet, and I couldn't stop them.

And the terrible thing was, I didn't want them to. I wanted them to finish the job. To get me off... in front of Colby. One hand rose back up my body, grabbing my neck and turning my face to look up at him.

A deep voice whispered harshly, "You want him, don't you?"

I didn't say anything, afraid of what would come out. But deep down, I knew.

"Say it, and it's yours. Say you want him. And he'll have you... forever."

I opened my mouth. I felt the words almost leave my lips. I stuttered out something. I closed my eyes, my body feeling high.

And then in a split second, it was all gone. The room grew quiet, and Colby cleared his throat. "Y/N, are you okay? You look flush."

I jolted out of my seat, being able to move freely again. I looked around and realized Colby was sitting once more, staring at me concerned. I finished the interview abruptly, saying I had everything I needed - even though I definitely didn't. And then he uttered words I wish I didn't hear.

"If you want, come back tomorrow. We are having a celebration here. I would love if you came by, even if for an hour."

I nodded, not even really taking in what he said, and left. Trey was confused as to why I bum-rushed out of the room, but I never told him the truth. How could I?

I knew deep down I shouldn't have said yes to go to the party. But getting that footage would be killer for my article. Interviews are great, but a party at a cult compound? That's bound to end terribly (for Colby, but great for me).

But something in me can't shake this feeling that I basically signed myself up for the end. End of what? I'm not sure. But I'll find out tomorrow.

~~~~~~

Stepping back onto the compound made my heart race. I was nervous as all hell, and just wanted this day to be over with already. Today was my last day doing this story. I was counting the minutes to when I could go back to my office and write about how this place was insane, or whatever narrative I planned to write.

I had enough proof that something was up here. All I needed to do was a bit more digging. And during the party is when I planned to do it.

Avery walked up to me, smiling brightly. "Hey, Y/N! How are you doing today?"

"I'm okay. I know it's a bit early, but Colby never specified when the party was going to take place." I replied.

"No, you're totally fine. The party is gonna happen later. Right now, though, we have something going on that you'll definitely want to see." She clapped excitedly.

"Oh? And what is that?" I questioned.

"We are inducting a new member!" she exclaimed giddily. "There's a whole process that we do, and everyone is involved. I imagine that will bode well for your article if you see it firsthand. It's all taking place in that tent."

I stared over at the huge tent, its plastic cover doors strangely inviting.

I hummed, "Sure, I'll be there in a moment."

Avery nodded, turning on her heels and prancing over to the tent, following in other members.

"What's happening in there?" Trey asked.

"Apparently they are inducting someone new into their cult." I informed him.

He blinked. "Group, you mean."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, whatever. Make sure to capture as much as you can."

He shook his camera, giving me a wink, "On it."

We both walked in, many members still up and around, giving everyone hugs and chatting. Avery waved me down, patting the seat next to her. I walked over and sat. My body tingled in anticipation. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. My breathing picked up as everyone grew silent, the doors opening. Colby walked in, and people rushed to their seats.

Colby called out, "Hello everyone, good morning."

"Good morning, Colby." Everyone said in unison.

Jesus, that was creepy.

"A lot of things are going to be different today. First, we have guests watching our festivities. Y/N and Trey. Everyone, give them a hand." He gestured to the two of us.

The tent exploded in applause, Avery evening rubbing my back sweetly. It felt like I was being congratulated on something I didn't achieve, my cheeks flushing at the acknowledgement.

"And secondly, sadly, the new member we were going to have decided not to stay." He frowned, his face dropping.

Members gasped, some audible "oh no" echoed around the tent. Colby nodded his head sympathetically. “I know, but fret not. I think this will be a learning experiment for our new guests. We can still do our traditional motions of having someone join us. But, imagine it as if it's a mock ceremony instead. Ms. Y/N, would you please step up here?”

My heart stopped when he looked into my eyes, the first time since yesterday. I glanced at Avery, who grinned enthusiastically. She pushed me out of my seat, my body following her lead. I gazed around, finding Trey, who pulled away from his camera with a concerned look. I stumbled up the walkway, stepping on stage with Colby.

Colby lowered his voice so I could only hear him, moving away from the microphone. "I know you wanted to know about how we induct someone into our little home, so I figured why not use you as an example? We aren't actually inducting you, in case you’re worried. This is just what would happen if you were joining. Are you okay with that?"

I gazed around the huge, white tent, making eye contact with many people in the audience. They all looked so eager, waiting to hear my response. Some were even shaking with excitement.

I stuttered, feeling Colby squeeze my hands to bring my attention back to him, "I-I guess so."

"Fantastic." He turned, still holding one of my hands, "Alright everyone, you know the drill."

The crowd cheered, suddenly many lining up to a microphone at the side of the stage. Colby lightly pulled me to a cushioned throne, sitting me down. "So here's what's going to happen. People are going to come up to that microphone, and they are going to give you plenty of love. Genuine love. And then the next person will go, and so on until everyone has spoken."

"Everyone here? Like, all hundred plus of you?" I whispered.

"Yes. It's gonna be a while, so get cozy." He laughed, rubbing my shoulders.

Time felt frozen as slowly everyone came up and said something nice about me. Some were quick, mostly just commenting on how nicely I dressed or how the stories I had covered in the past were interesting and thoughtful. But others, it's like they could see into my soul and point out the exact thing I was insecure about. Everyone was complimentary and it was nice, but exhausting.

The line had dwindled down, and the next person to speak was Avery.

She stepped up the microphone, giving me a huge smile. "Hi, Y/N. I know we don't know each other that well, but I feel like I've known you my whole life. These couple days of getting to know you, being interviewed by you, have just been the highlight of my life. You are such a lovely presence to be around, and you deserve all the success you've gotten these last couple years."

Lots of people in the crowd nodded, agreeing with Avery. She continued, taking a deep breath, "I wanted to add - you are so deserving of love. You are easy to love too, and I hope that you are surrounded by people that make you feel that way. I know that this is just a mock ceremony, but I truly believe you would be such a great addition to us. I know you don't trust us, but I hope that soon you will find that you have a safe place here. Even if you never come back here again. This is your home now, and forever will be."

My chest heaved suddenly, tears welling up in my eyes. What the fuck is happening right now? Why was I crying at what she said? Sure, it was sweet and kind, but... how did she know I needed to hear that?

I turned my head, wiping the tears before anyone could see them fall. The crowd clapped as Avery left, going back to her seat.

The last couple people were a blur, my mind still hanging onto Avery's words. Suddenly, a hand was placed on my shoulder, jolting me out of my thoughts. I gazed up, seeing Colby's beautiful face staring down at me.

"The ceremony is done. Now, time to party."

~~~~~~

It had been a couple hours since the ceremony, my body feeling almost numb but jittery all at the same time. It was hard to shake all the love and words that were thrown my way today. Sure, some were probably just lying and saying random things because they had to, because they were conditioned to. But it freaked me out how some just... hit the right spots, knew my insecurities.

The party itself was fine. Two of the houses had parties happening in them, and since all three houses were connected, you could leave one and walk into another. There was a dancefloor full of people, and multiple fully stocked bars. Tons of food was at each table. It honestly looked like an adult prom. But I wasn't in a partying mood. Trey, on the other hand, was enjoying himself immensely. Girls and guys surrounded him, laughing at his jokes and bringing him plates of food and wine. One girl kept rubbing his thigh, staring at him longingly.

I wanted to leave. I had had enough of today, and I just wanted to be as far away from Empathic Love as I could be. I decided fresh air was what I needed, so I got up and slid out the back door of one of the houses, taking a deep breath. There were still too many people around, but I noticed the last house, the one with Colby's office in it, had no lights on and no one around it. I walked through the yards, stopping once I was by the back porch of the third house.

I sighed, leaning back against a railing. I could still hear the party going on, almost getting louder now that I wasn't there. I shook my head, feeling overwhelmed.

“Hey, Y/N. Fancy seeing you here." Colby's voice broke through my thoughts.

I exhaled. “Hi, Colby.”

He cocked his head, “Are you doing okay? You seem... upset.”

I felt this sudden rush of anger, knowing in reality he was to blame for all of this. “No, I'm not doing alright. I want to go home, I'm extremely overwhelmed by this party and all the people around here. That ceremony was too much for me to deal with, and the only way for me to get out of here is Trey and he's getting rubbed down by your followers!”

He took a step back, putting his hands up defensively. “Woah, that was a lot. You must have needed that release.”

I glared, “You think?”

“Look, I get it. It's a lot to take in. I myself don't love going to all these parties. It can be really overwhelming and if I'm honest, it gives me a lot of anxiety,” he admitted casually.

“You get anxiety?” I scoffed, “How? Everyone here loves you.”

“I know. That's the stressful part!” He sat on the railing, turning to me. “I'm the leader of this family. I have to make all the right decisions, and sometimes that means upsetting some of the people closest to me. Not to mention, so many eyes are on me, and it's just all too much sometimes. Even if you think this group is a cult, I still care for everyone here. I make sure they are fed, have a job, and have a life outside of here. And that's a lot to take on.”

“How do you deal with all of it, then?” I questioned.

“Patience. And a lot of alone time when I can get it - through meditation, specifically,” he laughed. “I was actually going to go meditate before I found you. Would you like to join me?”

I shook my head. “No, I'm good.”

“Are you sure? Look, at the very least, it will get you away from the party and all the noise. You don't even have to join me, you can just... sit in the room with me while I do it.” He argued, shrugging his shoulders.

I gazed at the party, everyone had grew rowdier while we were talking, and I didn't even notice. But my head felt like it was spinning from the noise alone. I sighed, nodding my head. Colby smiled, opening the door to the house, and I walked in first. I followed him up to his office, sitting down on his couch as he sat in the center of the room on the floor.

I raised an eyebrow. “That's where you meditate?”

“Yeah, I know it's a bit silly. But I feel so much more grounded... on the ground.” He replied cheekily.

I snickered, sitting back and watching him. He crossed his legs, resting his palms on his knees. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He took multiple breaths until they were low and shallow. I furrowed my brow, my eyes never leaving his form.

It almost seemed like he was asleep, or in a hypnosis of some sort. He was completely still and silent. A dull glow appeared at the top of his head, growing brighter and larger. I leaned away from him, my eyes widening at the sight. What the fuck is that...?

An aura grew around him, surrounding him completely. He didn't move, unfazed by it. His eyes remained closed, and with each breath it grew.

"How... are you doing that?" I uttered, my mouth a gape.

"Doing what?" He spoke in a monotone voice.

"That... aura. How are you doing that?" I pressed.

“I've always been able to do it since I was young. You can get closer if you want to.” He suggested.

How did he know I was still far away?

I stepped off the couch, moving closer to him. I kept my distance, but the aura was almost pulling me in. It was beautiful, the light reflecting and growing bigger. I was almost engulfed by it, but it stopped right before getting to me. I could feel its warmth, its energy. It was calling to me, beckoning me to step towards it.

The aura wrapped around me, filling me with light and love. Or at least that's what it felt like. I gasped at the sensation, my legs shaking underneath me. I breathed in deeply, my lungs filling up with fresh air. I didn't feel like I was in the room anymore. I felt like I was flying, the world almost zooming around me.

“Let your body relax, Y/N. I know it's so much to take in.” Colby’s calming voice spoke.

I felt my body give out on me, falling onto the soft rug. I laid down on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Visions began to swirl in my mind and around me.

How is any of this happening?

He answered, reading my mind. “Because of me. Because of us. Because of the connection you and I share.”

My body felt very heavy, unable to move even if I wanted to. I could move my eyes, and out of the corner of them, I saw Colby stand up. The aura remained around us, almost engulfing the entire room.

“You know, I knew the moment you stepped foot on to the compound's grounds, you were going to like it here. You were going to stay.” He smiled sincerely, gazing down at my body.

I blinked, confused. “What? I-I don't plan to-“

He cut me off, “This is the final step, Y/N. Everyone gave you love, people celebrated you, and now... I'm allowing you in.”

I wanted to shake my head, but couldn’t. “But I don't want to join.”

He chuckled, “Yes you do. If you didn't want it, none of this would have worked on you. You wouldn't be seeing what is directly in front of your eyes.”

The visions morphed around me, suddenly showing Colby and I. But we weren't us, we were different people, at a different point in time. But I could feel it was us. We were in love, growing a family together. Our lives were beautiful.

What the fuck is this?

“That is our past, or present, or future,” he winked. “The thing is, Y/N, I never seek out anyone. They all seem to find me.”

“That's not true, you emailed my boss about being interviewed.” I remarked.

"Oh, you are so forgetful, Y/N. You emailed us, begging to interview me and anyone else that said yes. I only agreed because I knew you wanted to meet with me. You sounded very eager to join in your email." Colby pulled out a piece of paper, reading from it happily, "Dear whoever reads this, I'm hoping to score an interview with your group, Empathic Love, for an article I am writing. I would love to meet Colby, and really pick apart his brain on why he created said group. Maybe I could even join if you guys win me over. Please let me know if any of this sounds of interest to you. Sincerely, Y/N of Global Gazette."

He leaned down, staring into my eyes mischievously, "Now does that sound like someone that didn't want to be here?"

My heart raced, suddenly scared. “Why don't I remember writing that?”

“I couldn't tell you. All I know is you wanted to be here. And there's a reason for it.” He sat down on the ground next to me. I wanted to get up and run, but my body stayed still, heavy. “Growing up, I realized very early on that certain people just... gravitated to me. A lot of women, yes. But really it was anyone. And not only did they gravitate towards me, they became obsessed with me. At first, I was confused, uninterested in ever going through that. Who wants someone obsessed with them? But then I realized how much good I could do with so many people rallying behind me.”

He continued, “As I got older, my ability, or power, or whatever it is - grew twice as strong. Suddenly, all the people around me followed me, did anything and everything I could ask for. Then, I began getting visions, and I understood why this was the case. Everyone here: we had a past life together. Their souls and mine have always been connected. They find me and then continue to stay. And almost always, they fall in love with me. It's just so glorious.”

“You're insane.” I mumbled.

He hummed, “Interesting, especially since you’re seeing the same things I am.”

It was true. The whole time he spoke, I saw vision after vision of our past lives together. We were always destined to meet, destined to be with one another.

“But the thing is, I know you're different from all the rest. You and I, we are meant to be together forever. You are meant to love me forever, and I am meant to love you. That's why my abilities affect you so greatly.” Colby divulged.

“What if I say no? What if I want to leave?” I grunted, trying to shake free.

“You've had the ability to go all this time. You just don't want to. You know how much love I can give you. You know how much pleasure I can give you as well.” He bit his lip, his eyes snaking up and down my body, “You've known that since yesterday, haven't you?”

Blood rushed to my cheeks, memories of yesterday played in my head.

“And do you know what’s crazy about that? That's not even half the pleasure I can give you.” Colby kneeled next to me, a devilish smile on his lips. His hand lightly brushed my face, cupping my warm cheek sweetly.

A burst of arousal raced through me, my body spasming in ecstasy. “Oh my God!”

“I know, it's a lot to take in. But I just want to make you feel good, darling. You deserve it.” He leaned in slowly, “You are mine, after all.”

"This is what your followers meant by a deep and sensual mental connection," I groaned, feeling hands all over my body, touching me in the most lustful of ways. "You got inside their heads and mentally fucked them."

“...That's one way of wording it. But if they didn't trust me, if they didn't already want me, it wouldn't happen.” He winced playfully, “So in reality, it's your fault.”

“Fuck you.” I growled.

“But baby, that's what's happening,” Colby laughed darkly. “Those hands, those kisses and bites... that's all mine. I can tell you're losing it. You want me real bad, but you don't want to admit it. I get it, you’re overwhelmed.”

I felt like my body was getting electrocuted with pleasure. My hips grinded into the air, needing some form of relief. My nipples strained against my bra, wanting any form of touch. I closed my eyes tightly, embarrassment rolling through me as I felt my damp panties against my sex.

Fuck, he was right. I did want this, and him.

I didn't even need to say it out loud. Suddenly I felt a cock slid inside of me, too easily from how wet I had become. I ripped my eyes open, looking around. Colby was watching me from his chair, smirking.

He palmed his hardening dick through his jeans. “Imagine how much better it would be if I was actually inside of you, filling you up with every. fucking. inch.”

I thought about screaming Trey’s name. Maybe he could help me.

He grimaced, rolling his eyes. “He won’t do anything for you, sweetheart. He joined our group just a couple weeks ago. Right around the time you sent the email. So really, you have all the more reason to join us.”

“Even if I join this cult, I will never stay here. I will leave here and never come back.” I hissed.

“And that is your choice to make. But Y/N,” his gaze lowered at me, his eyes intense. “You will never be satisfied. You got barely a taste of what I can offer you, and you're gonna want it forever. Just like everyone else here.”

“You're a- fuuuuuucckk!” I moaned, the cock inside of me hitting my spot deeper. I caught my breath, glaring at him. “Y-You're a freak.”

“Says the girl almost coming to my invisible dick.” He spat, clenching his jaw.

I bit my lip, annoyed at how right he was. The hands exploring my body gripped my ass, slapping it lustfully.

“Okay, okay. I'll agree with you. I am a bit of a freak of nature. But let's not act like I'm some monster. I let people leave. But they always come back because they choose to. I can't force people that far. Pinky promise,” He stuck his pinky out, and I rolled my eyes defiantly. He huffed, “It's not like this place is Scientology, for Christ's sake. We are love. I am love.”

“You are the most tainted form of love that I've ever met.” I retorted, gripping the rug to hide my building arousal.

He deadpanned, “Ow. That hurt.”

Colby strutted over to me, laying down right beside me. The pleasure grew more intense, my hips bucking desperately. His one hand hovered over me, never touching me. It didn't matter, because having him this close felt like his whole body was on top of mine, fucking me hastily.

“If you allow yourself to enjoy this feeling, you might actually come. Because I won't force you to. I'll just keep you here, for hours, riving in pleasure until your brain melts into goo.” He smirked, “How's that sound?”

"I-I hate you." I gritted my teeth. Why did I feel like I was lying?

"No you don't. But soon you'll be able to admit the truth." He leaned his mouth in close, his voice low and sincere, "I know that this place might not be what you imagined your home to be like, but it is. You will always have a place here. You will always be loved here. And I know that's what you want deep down. To be loved unconditionally. To have every fiber of your being satisfied. And if you let me, I will do that. I will please you every night, however you want me to. But for me to do that, you have to let me in. You have to let love in."

The cock inside of me pounded faster and faster. I could barely think anymore. The only thing on my mind... was him. The lives we had together, the life we could be having. I knew I shouldn't want it, but I did. I wanted him in my life, forever. He was what was missing, and I couldn't live one more day without him.

I mewled loudly, my hips thrusting up erotically. Colby's hand cupped my face gently, turning my head to look him in the eyes.

His alluring eyes stared deep into mine, his jaw clenched. "You will always be mine. I am love, and that is all you could ask for."

"You are love, and that's all I could ask for." I repeated mindlessly, grabbing onto his arm desperately.

His face softened, “That's right baby. You're such a good girl for me. My good girl, forever. You want that, don't you?”

“Yessss, please Colby. I want to be yours forever.” I keened.

"You will be. I promise, you will always be mine." His eyes darkened, the pupils almost completely blown out. "You will never leave."

"I won't!" I trembled, my orgasm building closer and closer to the edge.

“You wanna come, Y/N? Get close for me. Don't I feel so good inside of you? You like when I do this?” Colby's hand snaked down my body, rubbing my clit sensually.

I begged wantonly, dying to come. "Pleaseeeeee! Please let me come! I need it! I need you."

"Of course you do, baby. You and I need each other. Our connection is unlike anyone else's. Tell me the truth and I'll let you come." He leaned in close, his lips brushing against my ear, "Tell me, baby. Say it..."

"I love you," I cried out, right on the edge. I direly wanted him to say it back, knowing it was already the truth.

“I love you too, baby,” he smiled sweetly, kissing my cheek. “Now, come for me.”

Hot, white pleasure shot through my body. I had the strongest orgasm of my life, my mind shattering as I rode every wave of pleasure that went through me. Colby stayed by my side, shushing me as my high lowered down more and more. He kept whispering 'I love you' repeatedly, my mind unable to hear or think anything else after a while.

I blacked out at some point but awoke when my body was lifted off the floor and placed softly into a bed. “Wha... happenin?” I slurred.

“Relax, darling. I just brought you to my bed. Well, our bed now,” he chuckled. “I want you to get your rest because tomorrow is a big day for you.”

“What's tomorrow?” I murmured.

“Your introduction to everyone as my soulmate.” Colby informed happily, tucking me in. “Everyone will be so pleased that you changed your mind about joining us.”

I nodded my head, snuggling deep into his bed. He dimmed the lights, whispering softly, "Welcome home, Y/N."

[i-amyou]

Hello my beautiful butterfly.you deactivated and I feel sad, not because of the need to read your blog, but because of the lack of your beautiful words, you are kind and sweet, I can feel that even without "knowing you", I know that you are back here temporarily, so before Leaving, I want to clear up my last doubt.

When I imagine, I know that what I imagined happens instantly. But, when I open my eyes, it seems that there is a present feeling of “waiting” to experience what was imagined, even though I realize that I am aware of this “waiting” I get confused, because if I KNOW it is instantaneous , I end up being lost. And I don't know how to reverse this situation, it seems like a cycle. I don't want to live conscious of waiting for myself to have, to be. But it's so confusing and leaves me with doubts.So, I observe and calm down, but that feeling of waiting is always present, as if telling me “Hey, you don't have it yet, just wait and see what you want, it's not here, there's a process for you to have it.” It's like a duality of thoughts and feelings, and I get frustrated at being lost again without knowing how to reverse it.

I want my being so much, I want happiness so much, so completely that I can't explain it, and sometimes I feel vulnerable, human. like the moon that longs to find the sun but always gets lost along the way, the moon glimpses the brightness of the sun appearing at dawn, but that light recedes and is lost to sight with the sunrise and the moon returns to its vast darkness, both know of each other's existence, but are unable to be together.Although both are present in each other, occurring in the same space. (That's how I feel). I've experienced silence, an empty mind, I still remember the first time I felt it, immediate happiness, I want to go home, I want to be at peace, enjoy life and have sweet dreams, but I feel lost and I can 't know how to deal with problems. I just want everything to be okay, I'm tired of the pain, tired of the suffering. We are like children, innocent, just crying and longing to return home, to the arms of our beloved mother (Being). Do you understand me?

Sorry for the text, I promised it would be my last question, I tried to summarize as much as possible. Thank you I love you. 🫂

English is not my language, sorry if the words are confusing.

– 🌙☀️🌌

(I know these words are meaningless and nothing new, I've said this before, over and over again. But for the sake of it, let me share them again. This is the last I'm sharing, going on an indefinite break after this. Sending Love to y'all ❤🌇)

Hello my glistening moon, it's okay. First of all, Breathe. You are always OKAY. I totally understand what you're trying to say. But more reading and seeking would get you Nowhere, I have something in my Notes for this and I'll add it here. Just read it, take it as pointer, and turn within. Only you can free yourself by realising you've always been free, only you can make yourself at Home by realising you never left. Let this be the LAST POST you read 🌙🌃

And with this, I'm logging off. अलविदा, अपना ध्यान रखना❤

[carlos-in-glasses]

I'm having some thoughts and feelings, for reasons.

The feelings are that I'm so grateful for this beautiful fandom and the beautiful couple in the picture above. The thoughts are beneath the read more and can be taken or left. The picture cannot be left, however. Taken is the only option. You need to see it because look how cute they are!

For prosperity:

Something I always 'explore', if you will, in my own writing is how people process the concept of time. Endings, beginnings, the past and the future linking up. Your past self always being with you like a spectre. The present feeling like a marble rolling around a tube... I think this is because I'm not good with change or saying goodbye, but I do know that endings always lead to something else. Which is scary, because you don't necessarily know what that will bring.

Thinking about all of the above in terms of Lone Star is a different beast for me personally, because I've never had this kind of experience with a show or characters before, where I'm so compelled by it that I found my way into the fandom and have been creatively stimulated to the point of writing 25+ fics for it (which isn't nearly as many as others have produced! But to me it feels significant). So for that reason I want to say: When the show ends -(WHENEVER THAT MAY BE) - the characters don't. They don't end, not really. As long as we choose to keep talking about the themes, sharing meta posts, writing them or drawing them or creating gif sets, and revisiting them in rewatches or YouTube clips - there they are. Always. Either suspended in their moment and so easy to revisit in all their glory, or put in new situations in fic and art even years into the future. If this hiatus has taught us anything, it's that even without the show on air, there are still plenty of stories to tell and interpretations to be had, based on what came before. When the show ends, the thing that will unfortunately go is the speculation aspect, but what we have instead is a beautiful completed work that can inspire and be meaningful forever to those who already love it and for those who will find it in the future - and it will be found. Anything that exists can be found. (See: deep sea fish that glow in the dark (!)). And things that don't exist can be imagined.

We're so lucky to be the ones in the know when it comes to the show and to Tarlos. We know how special it is, what a gift it is. I'm not a spiritual person but I do feel oddly spiritual when it comes to this. Idk.

Something I've always hoped (as I'm sure we all have) is that we would know ahead of time that it's over. The show not being renewed between seasons is a thought that horrifies me to my core. I remember thinking towards the end of season 4: "At least if it doesn't get renewed, it ends with Tarlos being canon-married." Which, as a Tarlos super-fan, was my no.1. concern, but I love and care about the other characters too of course.

Going into season 5 and fearing it could be the last season, I had a huge tummy ache wondering if Tarlos would be on the rocks. If they ended on a cliffhanger having assumed season 6 was on the cards, we'd never get a resolution. But Rafa's Cameos have really eased my mind in that regard. Based not only on the tiny amount he's given away, but the way he talks about them loving each other, it sounds like they're going to be okay - and we're going to see it for ourselves that Tarlos really is endgame. In a time when hope is needed, we do have this. AND we have each other! As long as Tarlos ends happy, I for one intend to keep dancing, even if it means I'm the eccentric up on the table on my own doing the robot. But I would always like others to dance with.

Whatever happens, which we don't officially know yet, we can get through it together.

[heartbeat-eras]

Cardiophile thoughts - Heart to Heart

I've been looking back and thinking about my cardiophile journey recently. I stumbled upon Tumblr and this community 3 months ago. What I saw was people that were like me. People that mostly hid this side of them from the world, but people that mostly felt free to express that beautiful side of themselves. So I joined - mostly to post my heart recs that I didn't need to make into videos for Youtube. I didn't realise that I was going to make connections...

If you look at my blog you will know that I hold a strong connection with my heart. We've been through a lot together and the hardest and darkest times were just me and her. I feel weird sometimes that I like my heart more than most other people's but she was what I turned to for comfort when I needed it and she is still beating today despite the battles she has fought. She's been the one constant and love her for that.

So here I was, ready to have some fun posting some harmless recs of her daily life and I met these people. Real people! People that shared this "thing" that I thought I understood, but I now know I didn't. In the most part I've felt respected and not pressured to do things that would make me feel uncomfortable. I know not all people experience this, but I am thankful for all the people that contributed to this. I've been able to explore this world in a relatively safe way (well as safe as you can on the internet).

Prior to this I had only ever shared with 1 person in my life. 1 person that I felt comfortable to hear my heart and my truth in that moment. I don't make those decisions lightly. Anyone who I've shared with know that I make them wait until I feel really comfortable to do that. The vulnerability and the rawness to me is both terrifying and beautiful at the same time. It's not always romantic or exciting but it's two humans connecting on the most personal level imaginable.

So that brings us to the title. I've always loved the idea that the heart cannot lie. Well I love it and I hate it. No amount of fake confidence can hide the terrified heart beating in your chest when the stethoscope is over it. The beauty that I have experienced sharing and discussing hopes and dreams and fear and pain is something I cannot put into words. When your heart is racing writing about something you're passionate about, or drastically calms down when read a reply and the same hearing another heart do the same to you. I have never experienced a connection so beautiful as that.... and I treasure it with every beat of this heart inside me.

So Tumblr... Cardio Community. Thank you for this. I non-religiously pray that we keep this community safe for everyone like us, coz it's beautiful to have people to walk this confusing life with.

I heart you all!

[reverieaa]

" 𝑇𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒇𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒆 "

In a community where strict mental diets and positive affirmations/self concepts are often pushed into your fyp 99% of the time, admitting your current mental circumstances feels like a fall from haven to hell. As if you were the brightest, most high angel, who sinned by having a bad thought and fell from your grace.

But you cannot put blame upon loa bloggers or their posts for feeling helpless, you cannot put the blame into the 3D or it's people. After all, even if every loa post has positive intention, it's what you do with it that matters.

So I ask you, did you use the post you read to free yourself, or did you use it to see more things you are now afraid of?

To be afraid of negative feelings, negative thoughts and God forbid- have doubt.

And while I've seen affirmations and methods work for people, if you're anything like me, they only caused a war in my head.

I decided to go back to Edward Art's older posts, where I stumbled upon something he wrote which I find very interesting, helping me come to a fascinating conclusion.

He talked about the famous Neville quote:

" 𝐴𝑛 𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑢𝑚𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛, 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑓𝑎𝑙𝑠𝑒, 𝑖𝑓 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛, 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑒𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑜 𝑓𝑎𝑐𝑡"

I tell you now I always hated that quote, never understood it as it always felt contradicting to what Neville was teaching. I asked myself why would he say an assumption is false if he was teaching people that their desires are real amd within them? That quote made me feel like I was beliving in a delusion, that is why I stayed away from it.

Up until now, I feel in love with it. It was when Edward art broke it down to what Neville was truly saying, that I understood.

Forcing yourself to believe in something makes you feel delusional, doesn't it? Unnatural.

It is when I accepted that what I was assuming of myself was fake, that I felt the sense of freedom and relief. It was then that I could imagine whag I wished and feel what i wanted without worrying if I was doing it right or not, if you dare, accept that you assumption is fake, and feel foe the sake of changing your feelings simply because you want to.

But then as Neville said, what if is the difference between your assumption and this reality was simply trust? It's all real only because you trust that it is, that you experience it.

It is then that I realized, the point isn't that every reality/state is real and I must occupy the one I want. It's that everything is only as real as I make it to be.

Nothing is real without your trust that it is, nothing has it's own life without you breathing air into it's lungs. That is what Neville meant with this quote.

I found it easy to imagine after that, I didn't worry how real it was to me, if I was doing it correctly or if it would ever even happen.

So let it all go, break your inner self free from 3D and make yourself absolute in your mind. To feel beautiful because you want to, to feel rich because you can, to feel powerful because you must.

This is because many connect the word " real" in their dictionary with the 3D. But like i said previously, everything is as real as you trust it to be.

This goes for everything on this earth, the undesirable circumstances you loathe to wake up to everyday, the frustration you feel when you imagine what you want because it feel so close and so far at the same time, it's all another state/reality-yes- but it's only as real as your focus on it is.

I found it ironic that this is what helped me the most. To stop caring of the truth of my assumption is what made it real for me.

This should free you, you should be able to imagine what you wish and how you wish whenever you want to, knowing you can't do wrong because what wrong is there to do? You are reality, the only thing that truly exists, that is why a change of self/mindset is a change of everything, because that's all there always is.

To me it was not a matter of " everything/ every state or desire is real and I must come the realization and acceptance of it" it was that nothing truly was without me bringing my focus to it.

So go ahead and let your emotions out whatever it is that you've been keeping in, no matter how negative it feels, you are not called to be perfect or move mountains, not to change things or make them happen. You are called to be free in your own mind only, you are called to be alive.

And so when your mind tries to argue you out of imaging by saying " this is all fake" it is then you fire back by saying " well so is everything, what does "real" mean to you after you found you bring meaning to it?

[justanamesstuff]

I wasn’t going to do this because I thought it was cheesy and corny and not many care. but I care and this was my blog for the last few years, even though it changed a lot more a year ago (blame the 1975 for that blessing hehe). So here I go....

First thing i have to say is THANK YOU. I’m not just saying it, I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for all the support, for all the interactions, for many many memories I’ll tell --to whoever listens to my rants-- when my elderly days come haha. Thank you for being so nice to me, thank you for starting conversations when I was/am too shy to start those because you are all so cool and I feel a bit intimidated. I’ll never forget that you were there with me during the hardest time I had to go through (still am) when my dad passed away…I wasn’t expecting that level of affection and love but you proved me otherwise. Thank you for all that and more.

Secondly, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the fics i didn’t read and support, I’m sorry for the comments I didn’t leave. I’m sorry for all the things I promised to write, post, but never get to do. I’m sorry for the moments you expected me to be there and I wasn't, not because I didn’t want, only because I was too focused on the shit I was going through that moment even though it’s not an excuse. I’m sorry if any comment I made hurt someone (I hope this never happened but if it’s the case…I’m sorry). I’m sorry for all the typos and mistakes I’ve made hehe.

Something I also want to say is the fact that I had many good moments here…I've met people that I can call friends and I hope they will be in my life for the rest of it. The 75tumblr gave me more than what I can return. I only had one really bad experience that only made me appreciate my mutuals and friends much more...you have always been so nice and supportive that nothing or no one can overshadow that <333

I want to speak more about the great people I’ve met here…there are so many, I’m that lucky!! I love my mutuals, my friends, and everyone I got a chance to interact with here. When the first months of being part of the fandom went by, I was so surprised about the family feeling and the positivity going around it. This fandom is beautiful beyond compare, it has its difficult moments from time to time but like any family right? Each and every one of you is incredible…so kind, so talented and so supportive of the guys and the rest of the community created specially here. That’s something to applaud and be proud of every day!!

I have to say thank you to the guys because through them, I’ve met you…and specifically because they arrived into my life during one of the hardest moments of my anxiety and depression. The four of you meant so much to me that it’s incredibly difficult to put into words without thinking of Matty rolling his eyes at me in my imagination 😅😅 I love the four muppets so much!

Well, I won’t extend this more so…it’s been a pleasure guys! I love you all as I always try to tell you, I’ll love you for the rest of my days! And I hope universe, god, life, whatever crosses our paths again somehow.

All the love,

Ro

[welcometothejianghu]

Welcome to another round of W2 Tells You What You Should See, where W2 (me) tries to sell you (you) on something you should be watching. Today's choice: 君子盟/A League of Nobleman

A League of Nobleman is the unfortunately translated English title of a 2023 historical drama about an idealistic country boy/genius detective/noodle seller, and a wealthy minister on a mission to exonerate his late father from charges of treason, even if he himself has to commit some treason in the process.

I watched this one not too long after it came out, and I was expecting there would be a lot of buzz as soon as fandom got hold of it. There wasn't, but I can understand why. The show is a lovely, ethereal drama that has some genuinely moving moments, stunning visuals, and charming character interactions.

It is, however, kiiiiiiiind of a hot mess.

What follows is an incredibly qualified rec. Unlike most of the previous shows I've recommended, this show is not something you could just throw at your Average American Television Enjoyer. Censorship got its claws into this one, and what's left is ... okay, imagine fliming all of Hannibal just like you want it, and then right before it airs, NBC comes in and says, okay, now we're just going to take out all the parts that are gay and violent and gory! You know what you'd have left? You'd have a League of Nobleman, is what.

(If you want a little more explanation of what's awkward about it, here's a take based on the first ten episodes. Note that not everything that bothers AvenueX bothers me, but they're fair critiques.)

Therefore, I'd have a tough time recommending this to someone who hasn't already built up a tolerance for the experience of seeing a scene end nearly mid-sentence, or hearing described something that happened just offscreen (while seeing no one's lips move). You need to be prepared to look through the jank to see the show we could have had beneath the show that actually arrived.

Even so, I have five reasons I think you should at least give it a shot!

1. That precious baby boy

Look at him. Look at his precious face. Don't you just want to stuff him down the front of your shirt and take him home with you?

That is Zhang Ping. He is the hero and he is a good boy.

He is a darling dumpling who grows up reading novels about how members of the judiciary nobly solve crimes and punish the unjust, so he decides that he wants to move to the big city and become a member of the judiciary to nobly solve crimes and punish the unjust! ...Until he gets there and realizes, no, baby, that was fiction. But gosh darn it, he's going to try anyway.

I have seen people say they read Zhang Ping as autistic. While I'm not sure that's specifically what the show itself was going for, that's kind of the effect -- which, I think, is why I've also seen a lot of people say they don't like Song Weilong's performance. I don't think he's wooden or unemotional; I think he just made a choice to play the character as not always real good about understanding why the people around him are having the emotions they're having. Similarly, I think what makes him read as anachronistic is mostly how he doesn't engage well with the rules of social convention that are such important parts of this historical setting.

Like, you see that picture above, with him and Lan Jue whispering at one another? Zhang Ping is doing this because he is absolutely convinced that this is appropriate subterfuge behavior. Lan Jue is matching him because he thinks Zhang Ping is adorable.

Just the goodest boy. A baby. Please care him.

2. the aesthetic

The show is beautiful. It looks and sounds amazing. For some reason I can't find a clip of just the opening credits, but here's a (strangely bloody) trailer that gives a sense of its general vibe:

As you can see a couple times in there, the show makes great use of tilt-shift photography -- you know, the thing where you change the focal length until everything starts to look fake? It creates a weird, dreamlike effect where parts of the frame are out of focus for no reason, or actual locations start to look like model-train miniatures. Many of the shots are framed like this, giving the entire thing a very pretty, very uncanny look.

And speaking of the dreamlike: If there's one thing I've come to expect from C-dramas, it's bad CGI. That is not the case here! The CG is used so sparingly that it's unobtrusive and actually quite nice. Much more of the weight of the show's look relies on practical effects that are supported and amplified by CG, which is the optimal combo. When it does go all in on CG, it's in the service of dreamscapes that are supposed to look unreal anyway.

The show does admittedly have a mild problem of using a cool effect and then largely forgetting that effect exists. For example, the first episode has a really neat "freeze time and walk through a crime scene" bit! And then we barely ever see that ability again. But the show's doing so many other lovely things that you don't really feel the absence until you stop to think about it all later. So don't stop to think about things! That's my motto! (It really isn't.)

The directors also just have a lovely eye for things -- which is extra-surprising considering that both of them are first-time directors. That can be fun, though, when you get people who haven't gotten stuck in their ways get, so they're still being new and weird with it. ...Of course, I bet that's also some of why so much of the show quite obviously got cut to ribbons, if you're also working with directors who also haven't figured out how to get away with things just yet.

Overall, the production values are very high. This show clearly had a fairly solid amount of funding behind it, but it also used its resources smartly. Most costumes are elegant but not extravagant. Detailed sets are small and beautiful locations are contained. While I have great respect for productions that try to create epics on a shoestring budget, there's something to be said for a project that sets its sights on the achievable, then puts its effort into doing what it can, well.

3. A ship for everyone!

There are so many potential ways to pair up them boys. The show's main pair dynamic is between country mouse Zhang Ping and city mouse Lan Jue, but it surely does not stop there. In fact, I've made a helpful chart that shows you all the potential flavors of gay you can enjoy at this particular danmei buffet:

(And yes, if you've seen the show, you know there's at least one more line that I could've drawn here, but I don't want to spoil anything.)

Now, whether you do read any of these dynamics as sexual/romantic is up to you. The point is that you could. For example, I personally am not that into Lan Jue/Xu Dong, but if you lose your shit when a competent sword guy owes a life debt to the defenseless noble he works for? You could have a lot of fun with what the show gives you.

Obviously, because this is a censored c-drama, there are no canon gay romances. However, a couple of them are more textual than others, especially the ones that center Lan Jue, because everyone clearly wants a piece of that fancy flat ass.

One of AvenueX's comments from the video I linked earlier is that the main couple has less sparkle together than each of them has individually with the man that's supposed to be his bestie. While that changes as the show goes on, these two side pairs never cease to be enjoyable. Whether you read them as sexual or not is up to you! Romantically or platonically, they're still a delight to watch bounce off of one another.

And Lan Jue/Gu Qingzhang (that one terrible ex from the chart) is, uh, basically textual? It's miles into "there is no straight explanation for this" territory. Again, avoiding spoilers here, but trust me. You get to see their secluded love nest and everything. Shit's real gay.

Then, of course, there's the main pair:

This is clearly the one that got hit real hard by cuts to the material. It's a damn shame, because this is clearly meant to be the core of the whole narrative. Despite that, the two of them have a fascinating dynamic that changes over the series from outright suspicion to cautious care to absolute trust. It's a great combo of someone who is too honest for his own good and someone so used to court politics that he lies as easily as breathing.

Ironically, the source material is Not Gay, to the point where the author has basically disowned this series as being so different from her original work as to be unrecognizable. You sort of have to wonder about the creative thought processes that led to taking a gen work and deciding to BL it up for the live-action adatation. I'm not complaining, mind you, but it is a little bit of an unforced error.

So whatever flavor of gay it is you're into, the odds are very good that this drama will have at least enough of it to keep you interested!

4. A very charming cast

I got to gush about Song Weilong's Zhang Ping earlier, but honestly I think everybody's pretty enjoyable, from the main cast to the recurring side characters to the one-off extras who show up for a single episode. Everybody's playing it weird and theatrical, so I get it if that's not your cup of tea. However, I feel all the performances are well-suited to the slightly surreal style of the production.

Here's just a couple of the real gems:

Jing Boran's Lan Jue has the perfect regal bearing of a fussy gentleman, but with a very endearing softness underneath. He spends half his time with eyes brimming with unshed tears, and the other half making heart-eyes at his boyfriends. You understand why everybody in the empire wants to ride him like they stole him, and that's even before he lets his hair down and starts dressing in slutty sheer robes. (I'm not entirely sure either he or the show knew how to play the character in the first few episodes, but he gets way better once he stops being so sinister and mysterious and gets to be cute and/or unhinged.)

There is one female character who shows up in more than one arc, and she is the Empress Dowager, and she is such a wonderful awful bitch. What a monster. Shi Yueling eats up every scene she's in by being the perfect mix of reprehensible and fascinating.

I was already primed to like Wang Duo because I liked watching him be a pretty snake boy in Yin-Yang Master: Dream of Eternity. Well, now he gets to be a pretty metaphorical snake boy here. I'm not spoiling anything by telling you he's bad news. He shows up damn near the end of the show and you know immediately he's bad news. But you don't know what kind of bad news he is, and that's fun to find out.

And speaking of actors I already liked from other places! Guo Cheng has mastered the art of acting with his mouth full. His Chen Chou is a sweet, earnest anchor in a world of tricksy boys.

There is something about Hong Yao's handsome face that makes Wang Yan perpetually look a little red-eyed, like he's trying hard to pretend that he wasn't just crying in his office. It's the perfect soft touch to his incredibly wonderful chad of a character. I'm usually not into the cocky jocks, but I will make such an exception for him.

I love you, fortune-telling gremlin grandpa.

5. Raw materials

Look, I assume if you've made it this far in the rec and you're still hanging on, you're interested for one of two reasons. The more normie reason is that you're into c-dramas in general (and probably period dramas in particular), and gay stuff is a selling point, so you see the appeal of turning on a drama where cute boys have emotions at other cute boys. That is a perfectly good reason to watch this drama, and if this is you, I hope you have fun!

The other reason is that you like making fan stuff, and you need some new blorbos to blorb in new and exciting combinations. Friend, I have that stuff for you right here.

A League of Nobleman has problems -- but they are problems that may be appealing to people who enjoy fixing things. There are literal holes in the series where actual, planned, filmed scenes were deleted! If you're looking for source material that's just begging you to fill in the gaps, look no further.

Of course I'm partial to the number of queer DIY romance options there are (see point 3), but that's not the extent of it. The setting is fascinating: an unspecified premodern Chinese dynasty magical enough to have a Bureau of Incantations, where the emperor is (for once) a cool dude, secluded village people live in semi-communal families, and one of the main characters can play Inception with people's heads. I'll say it plainly: If you are into kinky dream sex, this is the drama for you.

I should note that one of the things that doesn't need fixing is the overall shape of the series. The individual little case incidents seem disconnected, but they all weave together at the end as part of a (let's be real, ridiculously complicated) plot, giving the whole thing a pretty satisfying wrap-up. The show does not just fall off a cliff like Moriarty; it resolves in a way that's more than a little convoluted, but still overall satisfying. Also, a lot of those ships from the chart above, when it's all over, are still together. Some days that's all you need from an ending.

Maybe I sound like a broken record at this point, but to give you a sense of how heavy the hand of censorship clearly was, understand several of these episodes don't even break the 35-minute mark, and only four are even over 40 minutes long, when ~45 minutes is about the episode standard for this genre. (For comparison, every Untamed episode at least 42 minutes long.) I think it's important to realize just how much actual connective tissue got removed, way more than just individual censored shots or single redubbed lines.

And speaking of redubbed lines, the last episode of this show contains possibly the funniest NO HOMO in BL history. You have to see it to believe it -- or, rather, to not believe it, because the first time I watched, I didn't even understand what the hell the show was implying. I'll say no more.

Where to watch it!

I hope I've convinced you to at least give it a try! It's not a perfect show by any means, but it's a show with many good elements, and if you can embrace what's there without getting too hung up on what's not, it's a pretty good time.

If you're up for it, you can find it on this YouTube playlist -- though be prepared that it often mutes the opening music. It's also available on Viki (with ads, but less muting).

Just look at those precious, pinchable cheeks. Adorable.

[gemini-sensei]

Hawk Moskowitz x Best Friend!Reader Angst

Chubby!Fem!Reader ○ Blurb

CW: insecurity, thats about it.

I woke up and chose violence, aka I made myself cry with this one 🥲 is it cliche? Sure, but I don't care. I can always make more of this and subvert the trope if anyone is interested 👀

It was the summer of change, the summer of possibilities. What more could a teenager ask for? After all, there was no better chance to do something scary, to do something completely terrifying. It felt like one of those now or never moments, a moment that was going to change the course of Reader's life forever.

As she walked up to her best friend's door, she felt all the butterflies fluttering around in her stomach. She took a deep breath and rang the doorbell, knowing Mrs. Moskowitz's schedule well enough that she knew there was only one person home to answer the door.

When it opened, Hawk looked surprised to see her. "Reader, what are you doing here?"

"I came to tell you something," she told him, ensuring that she wouldn't back down. There had been plenty of times before where she thought about it, but never did it. She kept reminding herself, it's now or never.

He licked his lips. "You couldn't text?"

"No, it's too important," she giggled. She composed herself, the words ready to burst from her chest, but that wasn't how she wanted it to go. She didn't want them to just fall out, she wanted them to be meaningful. "I should have told you this a while ago, but I love you. I've loved you for a long time and I just can't hold it in anymore. Since you joined karate and you guys won that tournament, I've wanted to tell you really bad, but then I got scared and then I thought that there was nothing to be scared of. I mean, if you could become a karate badass, why couldn't I tell you how I feel?"

She laughed softly, something between nervous and light. She smiled at Hawk, heart facing, but he only stared back. He was unreadable, which was new to Reader. For as long as she could remember, she'd at least been able to read his eyes, but they were hard and guarded now. She was confused and his silence only fueled her fears.

"This is the part where you say something," she said, still keeping and upbeat attitude. However, her smile became nervous and she pushed harder to hide it.

"I don't love you."

She cracked.

"What?"

Hawk saw the utterly broken look on her face, the pain. He'd hardly ever seen that look on her face, hardly imagined what it would look like. She searched his face, looking for a better answer, or an explanation. Neither of which he had for her.

He bit his lip and he shook his head. "That came out wrong. What I mean is-"

"Hawk?" a voice asked from behind him.

He looked at Reader, but she wasn't looking at him anymore. Her gaze was looking past him and the longer she stared at the figure behind her, he watched her deflate. She stood at his door defeated and her face quickly became blank. Everything except her eyes, which slowly welled up with tears.

Moon made gentle footsteps as she walked over and saw the tears. "Oh no, Reader, what's wrong?"

Reader shook her head, her throat tight. She didn't know what to say, her brain and heart disconnected. "Nothing. Um, I shouldn't have bothered you guys... I'll just uh... I'll just go home."

She quickly turned and rushed back down the walkway that ahe had walked up and down a million times, but for the first time it felt like a whole new experience. She wasn't leaving with a happy memory or even the idea of coming back.

Hawk called out to her, but she didn't turn back. She didn't want to see him and Moon together, a memo she missed or was left out of the loop on. However, she couldn't say she was very surprised.

Moon was gorgeous. It was an undeniable fact, she was conventionally attractive and had a big, beautiful smile. She was kind and sweet and outgoing, so what wasn't there to like? She was everything Reader wasn't - thin, pretty, confident.

In her mind, there was no competition. It was going to be Moon no matter what, always, so it didn't matter how or when she told Hawk about her feelings, because his were never going to change. She was just his best friend, at least she was until that stunt probably obliterated their friendship.

She wiped her eyes as she walked home, sniffling hard as she tried to suck up her emotions. However, everything poured out like a broken fountain beyond repair. She sobbed almost violently, failing miserably. "I knew I should have kept my mouth shut."

[spicybylerpolls]

It’s so funny to me that people don’t allow you to talk about actors’ chemistry without mentioning shipping. Is this a fandom thing or an immaturity thing? And does shipping mean that you harass the actors or make your opinions widely known? Or can it mean thinking it would be cute for them to be together but leaving it at that? 

Cos surely anyone can read the body language and tension between Noah and Finn in interviews. This may be due to the awkwardness of them portraying a romance together, sure. But it could also be more? Like, if you grew up around a friend like that and then realised you were gay and had been playing a character who was in love with that person’s character for half your life, and you now had to portray intense romantic (and possibly sexual) scenes with them, you think there won’t be some feelings or imagining going on? It’s just biology.

It doesnt mean they belong together or should be together or are even compatible, but just that there’s an attraction there of some kind. Just watch Noah in the s4 interviews and it tells you everything you need to know. He can’t take his eyes off Finn and in the yearbook one with him and Millie, when the interviewer mentions Finn’s music taste he starts blushing and fidgeting in a way he didn’t at the mention of literally any other actor. 

Yeah, it could be awkwardness at not wanting to give the twist away, but that kind of awkward looks different. That’s what Finn’s is like. Noah’s is definitely more crush behaviour. It’s adorable tbh, but does it mean I ship that? I just noticed it. I wasn’t even a byler at the time. These details would be swooped on in a second if it were Mike and Will, and yet if you mention them in relation to real people, it crosses a line.

As for Finn, I think he has a soft spot for Noah but their personalities are so different that he finds him a bit overwhelming at times, but as they grow up that will level out into respect (as long as there aren’t any major conflicts). There’s also that one interview for GQ of Finn answering the internet questions and his body language and expressions also change at the mention of his and Noah’s heights. It’s kind of flirty and cheeky… sort of the way Mike looks at Will in the bedroom scene (“I didn’t say it”). 

I think they’ll make s5 something really beautiful, if the way they worked together in s4 is anything to go by, and I don’t think that appreciating these two actors’ connections makes me a bad person or a toxic real person shipper. Humans have always been fascinated by chemistry and connection and attraction and it shouldn’t be shamed as long as you’re not engaging in toxic behaviour or harassing the actors. 

That said, byler are infinitely more interesting to me because they're a completely fabricated story where everything is intentional. But I’m curious about why people don’t like recognising irl chemistry. So...

I don’t think there’s anything between noah and finn at all and neither am I interested in that

It violates a boundary and you should only focus on the characters

Of course they have a connection but who even cares? *BYLER ONLY SIGN*

I don’t think they have a connection but I would enjoy it if they did

There’s definitely something there and it’s fun to notice!

I think they have something but it's not our place to speculate

I’ve picked up on it but am scared people will judge me so don’t talk about it

I’ve stopped shipping irl people because I’ve had disappointing experiences before

I've stopped shipping irl because I was harassed in the past by fans

Please note that the purpose of this blog is not to be creepy or to make anyone uncomfortable. That's why I created the #spicy byler tag (I will tag all polls with this). If you don't want to see this blog or anything related to it on your feed, please block that tag. Not everyone is comfortable with this sorta stuff, and that's okay.

[the-blue-fairie]

I saw Frozen in theaters today as part of the Disney100 Special Engagement.

One of my deepest regrets is that I never saw Frozen in theaters when it came out. I know that must sound really silly when put alongside my other regrets (like, you're going to put not seeing a Disney film in theaters alongside being in the closet for years?) but... that film changed me.

And again, I know, that's what everybody says. And I can imagine people easily saying to me, "Oh, the incredibly popular Disney film that became a Phenomenon had an emotional impact on you? Get in line. Oh, Elsa/the Let it Go sequence was part of your queer awakening? You and scores of other people, that's not as special as all that."

But it's special to me. Even if scores of people have profound emotional connections to this film, even if scores of people felt their own queerness reflected in Let it Go, everyone's personal experiences are uniquely resonant to them and special. And sure, it might sound more than a little silly/cringe to say that my egg was able to crack because of connections I made with trans Frozen fans I met online a decade ago, but... it's the truth.

I didn't see it in theaters. I was recently out of high school, I was too good for Disney films, too "adult" for them, and I skipped over the film. But since it DID become a phenomenon, I made sure to check it out the moment it came to home media and... to say that the characters and plot resonated with me would be an understatement. The prologue hit me like a truck. The complicated, beautiful, heartbreaking bond between the sisters resonated deeply. Anna's desperation for human connection in the face of isolation hit me hard. Elsa's being conditioned to fear herself, her wanting to reach out but dreading the consequences, her constantly putting others' needs above her own to the point of self-abnegation culminating in the moment that finally breaks and we get one of the most exultant sequences I've ever seen. (Yes, I'm gushing over a sequence so universally beloved that people got sick of it, sue me.) And, God, I still see so much of myself in both sisters. And, obviously, some reflection of myself in a queer reading of Elsa.

I dove headlong into the fandom and it was through connections I made there that I was able to process who I was. I've met friends and loved ones through this film, and for that, I am so grateful.

I've always regretted I never saw Frozen in theaters and was so glad to have the opportunity today.

The screening had a running commentary from the kids behind me. :D There was a little girl dressed as Elsa just ahead of me. Judging by their ages, this was their first time seeing the film in theaters as well, and I'm happy they got that chance.

I teared up during Do You Want to Build a Snowman and For the First Time in Forever. I think FtFTiF was the moment it fully hit, "Oh my gosh, I'm really getting the chance to watch this on the big screen."

I love Moana and Encanto dearly, but of all the Disney films that came out this past decade, Frozen is the one that means the most to me.

I love this film so much.

Thank you, Frozen.

@sniperct @ariel-seagull-wings @princesssarisa @thealmightyemprex @brokenwild @grctw @greatqueenanna @patricia-von-arundel

[softquietsteadylove]

But also!!! I love the headcanons!!! Can I request more for a different AU? (your choice for which AU, I can honestly say I’d read novels about any of them and I want to know EVERYTHING)

You...you want to hear my headcanons?

Okay!!!! (I'm so excited)

So let's talk Ballerina/Boxer AU, because that's another one with a lot of in-between things I've imagined but haven't appeared in any stories, even if I've alluded to them in the tags.

Mutual pining--my absolute favourite. Thena saw Gil a few times going into his studio across the hall. Sersi immediately called her out on it because Thena does not stare at guys. Thena doesn't really notice guys, for the most part. Until the handsome boxer smiles and waves at her. Sersi is on high alert.

Likewise, Gil noticed her because who wouldn't? He adjusted his schedule so he could come in a little earlier and catch a glimpse of her before class. Once he was smiling and waving and walked right into the propped open door. He felt like an idiot and avoided eye-contact for a week, but she was completely charmed by it.

Thena is all grace but at home she's a little forgetful. She's so exhausted that by the time she gets in the door everything is getting dropped on the spot. Then she comes out the next morning looking for her bag, her shoes, her water bottle, everything. Having Gil around has actually helped her keep her stuff organized better, she just doesn't want to admit it.

Gil loves spoiling her. He thinks it's so cute to get to see his graceful and beautiful swan curled up on the couch in a grumpy little ball. She loves watching tv with her head on a pillow on his lap with his fingers running through her hair. She has no idea what's happening in any of the shows they watch together because she always falls asleep, but Gil gives her the gist of what happens. It's super all-over-the-place and she still doesn't know what happens, but it's sweet.

She used to let him help her with her cool down after classes and rehearsals but it always ends up with them getting up to other things so now she has to ban him until after she's done or she won't stretch properly.

He brings up the locker room incident on at least a weekly basis.

Thena has never been in all that serious a relationship before. She's embarrassed and thinks it's terrible, but Gil doesn't care. He's happy and proud to be the first man she calls her 'boyfriend'. Sometimes he jokingly slutshames himself in comparison to her.

Thena only owns one pair of jeans, and one white leather jacket. Everything else is...what you might imagine a professional ballerina to own. Again, she thinks maybe this isn't a good thing, but Gil doesn't care of she dresses super casual or not.

Once they started seeing each other he immediately got his regular suit re-tailored and bought three new ones, so he could have options for her show nights, or if she went to fancy events and stuff. He just wants to feel like he belongs with his Gorgeous Swan.

Ben knew Thena had a thing for Gil from the first moment she mentioned him. All she said was "Gil, the boxing instructor in the studio across from ours" and he went oh yes, your future husband.

Thena was never nervous for performances until Gil started coming to them. It's not terribly nervous, maybe more like excited butterflies. And when she comes on stage he makes a loud 'whoo!' which everyone hates and is inappropriate for the venue, but she loves it.

Thena is much more eager to experiment than Gil. He's up for it, of course, but she's the one who's actively searching for ways or excuses to get up to wild things together. Unless he's going to ask her about it later, in which case it never happened.

Early on, Gil asked to do her warm up with her, for a change in his routine. It nearly broke him.

Thena is completely at the mercy of her students. First it was them calling Gil her boyfriend before they were really that official, which was why she would get so flustered. She didn't know that he loved them doing that. They go 'oooooh!' every time they see him, which embarrasses her every time. Soon they'll start asking if they're going to get married, at which point she will explode and burst into flames on the spot.

Sersi will say 'yes, they will', like a traitor.

Gil has a more distanced but friendly relationship with his boxing students. His oldest and friendliest student is Makkari, who was the one to tell him to just talk to Thena for a month before he ended up actually doing it.

After her fall, Gil starts subtly asking if and when she would ever give up performing for any reason (he's just worried about her).

Gil would never do anything as petty as retaliate against Lara for how she treats Thena. But he did once see her and her husband getting out of their car one day downtown. He called and had the car towed by claiming it had been there way past the allowed parking time.

When they move in, Gil will move in with Thena, because she has more stuff, it's easier, he's always there anyway, and he thinks her apartment is nicer than his.

The rose he gave her the first night he asked her out is dried properly and sits in a vase on a shelf on her wall above her bed (very romantic).

When Gil meets Jack, Jack asks if he and Aunt Thena are in love, to which Gil excitedly says he's head over heels for her. Thena is eavesdropping and has to stick her head in the fridge to recover.

[beanghostprincess]

Since Pudding joining Buggy's crew was already discussed, and Uta joining it as well is a popular headcanon, I present to you: Uta and Pudding being mentally instable chaotic besties.

Imagine all of the possibilities. Them talking shit about Shanks and Sanji togheter (even tho Uta still semi respects Shanks and Pudding is madly in love with Sanji) or having girl nights togheter, doing eachother's makeup or dressing up in the most fashionable matching outfits. All while being completely unhinged and with homicidal tendencies.

YOU'RE SO REAL!!! This is so true. They'd get along so well. Uta actually joins the crew first! Then Pudding appears and she seems like a sweet girl only at first, but then she demands to stay and says she can be useful as she can read Poneglyphs. So what I said in one of my posts about them, she joins them and becomes their princess. Except that now she has a diva to share the place with! They're both so adored by everyone. They also get along so so so well! Uta keeps talking shit about Shanks leaving her and Pudding feels bad for her, explaining her experience with her mom and Uta going insanely angry and protective at that. She even makes a song inspired by Pudding's beauty!! They're besties!! They love each other so so much!! Pudding keeps saying she hates Sanji but Uta knows she likes him, of course, she always asks her to sing love songs for her, but she won't admit it. They do each other's hair right after having probably almost murdered a bunch of marines that were saying they were weak (don't mess with them. Really. Uta's power is fucked up). I think, to add a bit of angst, that Uta would ask Pudding to erase her memories of Shanks because they hurt too much even if she turns that into strength. They hurt. But Pudding refuses and says that memories can also be beautiful even if they hurt, and she tells her about what happened with Sanji and everything her mom made her do and that she wouldn't erase her memories because they're part of her. Thinking also about Perona coming to visit Mihawk and meeting these two and yelling to Mihawk like "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD TWO CUTE GIRLS IN THE CREW?! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS?!" and she befriends them right away. Everybody is scared of them, not because they're protected by Cross Guild, but because they're actually creepy. Nobody approaches Pudding when she's angry and even less hurt her because she will manipulate you and she will break your heart. Nobody makes Uta remember her past or mentions something that could trigger her because that sends her into a breakdown and that's never good. And Perona is a bit scared of them, ngl, she's way calmer than them but she has fun seeing them torment people while she sits in a corner looking pretty and sending her ghosts to haunt the ones that bother them. They have such a strong bond! Alvida joins their girl nights quite a lot too <3

Buggy, Mihawk and Crocodile absolutely love them because they're tiny but menacing and scary. If somebody stronger than them tries to fight them, these three will probably end him in no time. But if somebody these three girls can manipulate and torture says something about them? The three men just stare at them and let them do their thing. It's like having a Barbie and two Monster High dolls rule the world.