#i've dreaded this day for such a long time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yharnamesque · 5 months

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17 long years you've been by my side. All those times you stole my chair and slapped my face to get under the blankets at night. My one reason for staying during the days I didn't have anything else. My best friend and my favourite little pest

Goodnight Cookie, sleep tight

#herne talks #tw pet death #i've dreaded this day for such a long time #at times i was in such a dark pit i genuinely didn't know how i was going to cope if/when something happened to her #but now she's gone and she's tucked in all comfy in the earth i feel a lot more at peace than i thought i would #i was with her the whole time and she was still purring up until she couldn't anymore #and ultimately that's all that matters

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front-facing-pokemon · 1 year

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#spheal #i wish i could post circular images on tumblr. because this one is deserving of a fully circular PNG. i could technically just take a #regular square image and then make the edges transparent to make it *effectively* a circle‚ but like… would that appeal?#if that would appeal then i'll do it. i don't think it would be *too* prohibitively hard. i would be willing to make an addendum #with a circular transparent image of spheal staring at the screen if enough of you want it. either way #this guy rolls everywhere and i think tumblr is gonna like that. i feel like this is gonna end up being a well-liked pokémon amongst tumblr #as in. i feel like. it already is. because. of how it is. i just don't know bc spheal isn't like. one of my favorites #it's cute don't get me wrong but it's just not one i think about all the time. it's one that i'll like if prompted but not unprompted #i'm gonna stop before i dig myself into a hole. i beat totk finally. it was very good and i honestly had way way more fun with it than i did #with botw. i have my criticisms obviously. it's not perfect it's not pmd. but it was very good. and now i've moved onto the next game in my #backlog. which is very long but i'm steadily working through it. hopefully i can get it done before i graduate this december and stop having #any time for the rest of my life ever forever to play video games. dreading that day. but uh #until then i will game. and hang out with my friends. and go on tumblr. and do all these things i like to do. until i no longer can #wow this got depressing i'm gonna Stop here. enjoy spheal

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famewolf · 1 month

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for so long all I wanted to do was die but now that I'm older, all I worry about is dying too soon. too soon to experience all the things I didn't give myself time for when I was young. I don't want to spend these years overthinking what time I have left

#[static]#wild how the brain shifts #i want to live i want to experience everything i can and i never thought i'd make it this long #my brain has done a 180 and it's always on the back of my mind (and sometimes the front) that i could die in the blink of an eye #im not scared of death but i am scared of not having lived #my ptsd/ocd combo has been pummeling me lately and i feel like im sometimes at a breakthrough where ive figured out a way-#-to stop being scared ... to just allow myself to live without the what ifs.#i do it in practice but the reality is that no matter how nonchallant and down to earth I appear in real life-#-my brain is picking apart the resolve i've carefully put together for myself #it's like constantly picking at a wound that's begun to heal and i cant get myself to stop #it's Exhausting having to continuously catch ones self from falling further back down the hole your younger self dug #im finally living as the person i always wanted to be and nothing can take that from me even if it were to all come crashing down tomorrow #but im still not used to the stability so that's why my brain does what it does best #what's three or four years of stability to decades of being in fight or flight ... it will take time and it's hard work #but i know with time it will be worth it and i wont remember the dread in the back of my skull every time i experience happiness #i'll just remember the days as they were ... and they are wonderful #just needed to vent for a moment! mental health is such a surly thing

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devilsskettle · 6 months

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i hate that this website has location based ads now like it's one thing to promote the local grocery store chain to me but i am seeing ads for my workplace now :/

#stop it......#i don't want to go back but this is the last sick day i can reasonably take #i probably should've gone back today but i told them when i was still feeling worse that i wasn't coming in.......#ohhhh i dread going in tomorrow so much. i don't even dislike this job i just hate being somewhere everyday #each day feeling its meaninglessness...... my meaninglessness in the space.......... the repetition and redundancy #selling people who don't need to be there things that they don't need #standing all day long just fucking bored #hoping that enough has happened since i've been gone that people can fill me in #ugggh because it's soooo boring but stressful to have to generate conversation with the same people every day #when nothing new ever happens #and i get sick of everybody even the people that i like and i don't really think anybody likes me that much either #i guess i felt this when i worked there part time but because i only had to be there part time it wasn't this constant gnawing feeling #and they didn't have me in the shop all the time....... this schedule is fucking killing me #i walk there i stand all day and i walk home #that's one of the reasons i haven't come back in yet - i was so dizzy and nauseous that the idea of standing all day was like.#i obviously can't fucking do that even if i would otherwise feel well enough to come in #if i had a sitting job then it wouldn't matter if i was a little dizzy #but getting back and forth to work and then standing for 8 hours. even when i'm feeling well it's kind of a lot #idk i guess i'm pretty unhappy with this job and where i am in life etc but i can't quit rn because what else would i do #there's literally job of this type that is going to pay as well and have good benefits #and i'm not qualified yet for the type of work i hope to do in the future #so i just gotta wait it out but it feels like. endless.#sigh anyway i'm just lazy lol #all this is to say. stop putting ads for my workplace on my dash lol i don't need to see all that

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girlcrushau · 6 months

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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

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bunnihearted · 3 months

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#for how long am i gonna wake up.. and have my first thought be him #and then wish that when i look at my phone i will have messages waiting from him #where he said gm and told me abt his day like i had every day for a while..#and then suddenly get anxiety pain in my whole chest and stomach #bc i know i dont have any messages from him. and that we dont really talk anymore #and now idek if he would want to keep message me every once in a while #am i gonna keep living off of the high from one message from him now and then?#like idk :((( it's just so painful #and it does hurt more now bc... for a long time i still hade hope that like ofc we will talk!!!!! when he's ready to talk #we will talk abt everything and it will all be fine ^-^ i really really had trust and belief in that #like i genuinely thought that would happen. bc to /me/ this is the most real and strong thing i've had #which truly i understand is also naive and unwordly of me and also im very intense and emotional abt things #so truly i cannot get mad abt it only have been the one thing to want and to wanna fight for #bc yeah.. ig it just stings a lot more than just a crush bc to me.. like i sound so silly and naive but i should just vent #bc like yeah... i dont have any friends to talk to or a therapist or anything and i need to talk T-T #it's embarrassing but to me i really felt like i had found my person.. the person who i wanted to be the closest to in the world..#felt the kind of love where i would do anything and fight for it to even have a chance.. and yeah..#ig i was very naive to have the 'certainty' that .. i was just waiting and being patient and giving him space. maybe that wasnt actually #what he needed. but w my avpd i didnt know how to be pushy or.. like how to be enough pushy like he would need #without being too intense to push him too far away from me. bc im intense.. so i know that even if he's right for me #im not right for him bc i could not give him what he needs.. :(((#but yeah.. everyday i wake up w so much sadness bc i know i wont get to talk to him all day #and now the sadness is coupled with intense dread and anxiety #bc honestly i have no idea if he'll ever reply to me again or how much we will talk if we even will at all.#and the thought of life without him and not even have him in it even a little makes me wanna die lol #idk.. idk... bc i wont get to have what i want.. which is to simply be with him. but yeah idk... idk #it pains me sm that ... we never did talk to find out whatever was between us. and regardless of intent on his behalf that does make me fee #*i* am the one who valued and cared abt our 'bond' more than he did... but it is what it is it is what it is #it just hurts... bc i found someone i both thought and wanted it to be real with. but... i never even got a chance to try or talk abt it #which also is life.. if he found someone (twice) that he did like enough to want to try with but not with me.. that's just how he felt..

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rivilu · 8 months

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Hey hello can i be sad on main or will the heavens unleash 7 thousand ravenous hawks upon me

#river rambles #vent post #tw for basically everything bellow just saying it now #sorry the last 8 years of not a single reason to live are getting to me <3 #i hate being alive i hate being trans I hate being autistic and not able to work like a normal person #to provide my transition to myself instead of having to rely on parents that kiind of support me? (dad) or are straight up pulling -#the 'you're making MEEE SUICIDAL!' card (mom)#i hate not being able to talk to people like a normal person #it's not even just the autism anymore i feel like i've been the worst version of me for such a long time i dont even know where to start #dysphoria is so fucking bad and getting worse every single day and any semblance of trans positivity winds up feeling toxic #like even body neutrality feels like an insult. im at a point where i want to tear myself apart just when i'm sitting still #i hate being told to wait for things to happen #the dreaded 'it'll get better'#it hasnt #it's been EIGHT. FUCKING. YEARS #nothing helps. i've exhausted every option within reach. no words of encouragement help at all #literally the only OPTION is to wait. and i've had! ENOUGH OF IT!#I've dreaded pride every year because it feels more and more like i'm living a lie being there. im not PROUD of being trans.#All i feel about it is misery. All the time. I hate my body so fucking much i cant do a single thing i want to do #most of my early years after figuring out im trans i tried to just ignore it and focus on pride about my sexuality #since i couln't transition then anyway #but as time went on and i became an adult and there's still not a single glimpse of light on the horizon. I can't focus on it anymore #because you know. those things are interconnected. So now i just feel like an unlovable piece of shit!#Like i will never be what i was meant to be. what i want to look like.#and i dont even want to try for any manner of relationship before that . because even if anyone DID like the current version of me #that's not even me #birth is a curse and existence is a prison etcetera

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criscura · 11 months

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#i kind of fucking hate myself right now #i cannot force myself to do the things i need to do #i can't make myself get up early #and all the times when i do manage to brute force myself into doing literally anything at a normal time in a normal way #i get sick or so physically/mentally exhausted i can't move or I get a migraine #I'm so fucking tired of my bullshit #i need to just do what i have to do #it shouldn't take me three hours to do laundry or five hours to go to the gym and then resettle myself or three hours to eat #or an hour to do dishes or five hours to make what i promised myself would be something fast #every single day i wake up dreading how I'm going to let myself down for the ten thousandth time #i wake up feeling guilty and go to bed feeling like a fucking failure #I've been so fucking depressed for so long now #and i really was doing better #but then October kicked my fucking ass because i had A COMPLETELY NORMAL AMOUNT OF WEDDINGS FOR THIS SEASON #but also i just kept on getting sick over or getting laid out for days on end #and every fucking thing #EVERY thing #EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING I DO #EVERY #SINGLE #THING #I #DO #takes me THREE TIMES AS LONG as i expect it to #do you know how absolutely MISERABLY fucking EXHAUSTING it is making plans and crossing off half of them because #apparently #I'm just fucking physically incapable #and i can't force my body to do anything #i just stay up until 7 AM every fucking day because i am trying SO HARD to force myself to do the very basic #life maintenance every single person has to do but apparently I can't even manage that anymore

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salenrooz · 1 year

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Oh the indescribable feeling of dread after you get exactly what you're asked for

#story time #so a month ago I picked a pencil again after a looong time and swiftly after that decided #“maybe I should go to an art school like I wanted and almost got accepted into 4 years ago?”#and now after submitting my works and being told that they are “weak” I've kinda lost interest #Idk if I should follow through with this cause I hate drawing when I'm told that I need to and I hate when I waking up early #and although I can afford this education (I was planning to choose graphic design) I feel doubtful and don't know what to do #what I really want to do is travel I don't really dream of labor or career #but it is important if I want to earn a bit more than a minimum wage ig #I have only a few days to submit my works and documents then there will be exams etc. but I just woke up today and felt #what I've thought was a long forgotten sense dread and all consuming sadness and hopelessness #I just really hate waking up early and I would need to wake up at 5:30 AGAIN and I don't know if I could handle it AGAIN #Idk how I did it back in hs and college (well I kinda do since I was skipping a lot just to sleep)#and I would have just the most horrible ptsd whenever I would wake up and hear my alarm clock (like my heart would start beating so hard #I could hear my heartbeat)#Ik I'm probably overreacting but I just idk what to feel and do #moodboard

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bsaka7 · 2 years

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at what point did excitement for the holidays become apathy and the occasional wave of dread...

#Going to my bosses Thanksgiving with my coworkers and like. Maybe I should have begged off.#I had another offer which would have maybe been worse but like.#I can't handle meeting twenty new people and like. It takes me so long to warm up to people #And I've had a headache for two days straight :(#I mean I'll go and I'll fake it or whatever and hopefully play some cards #But it's just. I'm trying not to feel anything at all about it #Also dreading going home for the holidays except it's not even home it's just to my dad's fam and then my mom's fam.#Week between Christmas and new years #Sorry u guys r gonna hear a lot of this :(#But i'm hoping to get some fucked up i-feel-bad-in-an-airport fic out of at least. December.#Also my coworkers make fun of me all the time and it's mostly good natured #But we're not really friends so it frustrates me #Also they are way behind on the deadlines we set for ourselves #But that's just. Work.#And half day tomorrow at least!!!!#I miss the last year and a half of living with my friends so bad #It was really something. To look forward to coming home to them every single day.#Now I sit in my house.#It also takes me forever to make friends. Like. I didn't feel like i had good friends in college til. Literally my senior year.#A bit the second half of my junior year.

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spoondrifts · 2 years

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wish there was somewhere i could talk freely about my body image issues without feeling like a waste of space attention seeking lazy fuck

#lol!!#the way i've never voiced it out loud to anyone in my life before and every time i try to i freeze up and literally can't speak #it's bc there's no fun and casual way to say that i want to disappear & never be seen again every time i look at my stomach #whoopsie lol sometimes i wish i had the mental strength to starve myself but then i remember that eating disorders are bad and then hate #myself for that train of thought even occurring to me in the first place #got rly close to developing an ed over the summer and it felt good to indulge the obsessiveness i feel every day but don't act on #i'll preach body neutrality all day long & i believe it wholeheartedly for everyone who isn't me #LOL!!!!!#anyway dreading my next doctor's appt bc i'll have go get weighed and that might be my breaking poing actually #i haven't checked since i was fourteen because it made me spiral so badly #isn't that fun! isn't that cute! i'll literally never say this aloud to anyone in my life #when you undress in front of a mirror and the unspeakable self-loathing hits 🥴#constantly feeling so physically repulsive that i can't believe anyone would ever be attracted to me despite rampant evidence otherwise #someone literally told me they had a sex dream about me and i'm like haha that's hilarious but be fucking for real #when i don't get physical affection one singular time i instantly wonder if it's because i'm so fat & ugly & monstrous that they can't #stand the thought of touching me #additionally hating myself for lacking the strength of will to exercise consistently on top of all that #can't build habits! what a fun adhd quirk that totally isn't destroying my life at all

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nexus-nebulae · 2 years

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hmm

#weird thing ive noticed #so when i was Really Severely Depressed in high school #i used an app called daylio to journal my emotions n shit #and my most common entry was 'neutral'#which i always defined as ':/'#but then later when i was more recovered i realised that that 'neutral' was actually Bad #idk how else to describe it other than- feeling nothing or less than nothing or simply an absence of happiness #i just thought 'well i dont feel Good™ so clearly this is neutral'#when really my 'neutral' should really be Okay instead of Meh :/#took me a long time to say 'i feel okay'#like genuinely that was a massive milestone was saying 'i feel *okay*'#not 'i feel happy' or 'i feel good' but just. okay #turns out 'okay' is the neutral for most people. not :/#so now whenever i get days where i'm :/#i'm able to say 'i feel Bad' without even having to think hard #(honestly I say a lot of 'i feel' phrases a LOT. it's like.. the only way for me to process shit?)#(like- 'i'm tired' or 'i'm hungry'- i'll say them out loud without even physically noticing the feeling)#(and my brain goes 'oh yeah! we are! we should fix that' that's how i exist)#but i've noticed i've been saying 'i don't feel good' way more frequently lately #probably the seasonal depression idk #idk if i actually have acutal seasonal depression tbh coz my depression was way more general and not time-based #but i've been calling it seasonal depression coz it's just #mounting anxiety and dread bc i know winter is Bad For My Health #idk.#you know. i was supposed to be set up with a therapist back in august.#fuckers never called me back.#sucks too coz that counseling center actually had a booth at Pride when i went so i was really excited to go there :/

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xavieremix · 21 days

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okay so the tags on that last post got me feeling those melon collies so i'm just gonna. tagdump in here. slightly sensitive topics? so uh. scroll down (or press J to jump to next post). or read my thoughts like the morning paper. sorry. cheers.

#edit: oh cool the mature content warning doesn't actually hide the tags? that's fucked.#i'll drag these to the top hopefully it'll push some lines back #one last space-filler tag for the road - weird brain thoughts afterwards #i dunno i'm just. i do not have a sense of self. i do not have a sense of identity.#essentially anything i can ascribe to myself is worn in the same vein that it fits close enough.#like clothes picked out after hours of unsuccessful shopping and im just tired and want to go home #am i a writer? sure. i write decently. i have a decent grasp of sentence structure. puts me leagues above plenty of other writing i see.#but then when i actually decide that i should write something i'm just filled with dread.#i can't respond to rp's i enjoy with partners i enjoy. i can't write fics about prompts and premises that i like.#am i a gamer? sure. i got multiple consoles; multiple game sources for each console; a backlog of games ive had to catalog.#but when i try to pick one out to play i just. don't want to. nothing appeals. nothing looks fun. i ask for suggestions and i take none.#anything singleplayer i have to stream or it's not fun. anything multiplayer i have to coordinate with others until we get bored.#what do i *do?* what do i *enjoy?*#i can keep myself occupied if needed but at the end of the day im not fulfilled #am i a programmer? that's the closest thing to enjoyment i've gotten in a long time #but do i actually enjoy the act of programming or do i enjoy the result #where at the end of the day i can show off what i made and get lauded with praise #i get a similar sense of satisfaction when im doing tech support and pull something out my ass and everybody goes “whoa how'd you do that”#the analogy that i've used a lot is how in some games at the start it's fine and fun #you're getting progression you're making progress you're learning and earning #but eventually it just. stops. there's more - not just in theory; it's right there! you can see it! - but it's just. so far away.#you can get there EVENTUALLY but it's just a grind. just a slogfest. there's more to unlock. more to explore. just sign in today. tomorrow.#keep coming back. you'll get there. eventually. it'll take forever.#now if this was an ACTUAL video game people would recommend that you stop and step away. does it spark joy? no? stop playing.#but ah. i can't quite stop playing this one.#and don't worry! i don't plan on putting down the controller! even though i mope and grump and weirdtalk my way down this hill #there is ZERO chance of me doing that.#but i ah. don't have a desire to keep playing.#it's a weird middle state to be in. don't wanna put down the controller. don't want to keep playing. i am just sitting here.#ive been attributing my more frequent thoughts on the matter to the whole roommate situation

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vaguely-functional-directions · 3 months

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#I don't mean to keep sounding so negative about everything but this is just like me having a place to put thoughts that's outside my head #And I think the last couple days made me feel a bit better about some things and I feel like maybe I am more cared about that it #feels like sometimes #I got a message asking about when my birthday was to make sure they hadn't missed it and you have no idea how much that #meant to me even though it was such a small thing and I've lowkey been dreading it thinking that no one cared but maybe #that's not true #But for another thing I feel like I'm being disappointing and seeming like I am not putting any effort in when that's not true at all #and I don't want to be perceived that way. I am doing as much as I can but it's just that that's limited right now and #I am trying to take care of myself but I am just really bad at that especially in this specific situation #Which has happened before and I am trying to learn from it but it is just so difficult for me when it's in the moment #And I have started something to get help but I think that will be a slow process but even with that I know in the meantime I just need to #stop. But I have something coming up I really don't want to miss and I think I should just push through for a few more weeks even if it's #limited. And when this first happened I should have just done better to deal with it. But there was no indication it was this bad at the #time and then more time just went on and I got used to it without clueing in that maybe it had gone on for too long and should have done #something sooner #And I think just saying something to them would at least help the situation to know that I am struggling at least but I don't want to #seem like I am not making an effort

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moe-broey · 4 months

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Does anybody wanna grab me by the hair and smash my head into the wall and smash my head into the wall and smash my head into the wall and smash my head into the walland . I could use a little help hwre.

#sorry i just. i really have just been in an absolutely foul state. i don't even know when i'll fucking relax LMFAO #i'm seething. i'm dreading. i'm agonizing. i've laid myself bare. i've accepted my fate. i'm doubling down.#it's more than the banner LMFAO like. i'm mad that my med refill isn't ready even though i called for one #i think there's a shortage. but bad timing like. when refill day lands on a friday and you can't do anything about it til monday #if shit goes stupid. ran out today. i'm furious bc it's gonna fuck up my focus. i'm feeling the pressure #like too much time has passed. i really need to buckle down and do more sharena week things.#and. of all the fuckinh shit timing. well. tbh there is never a good time for it. it is always a horror when it happens.#but i will write and draw some of the most achingly tender sibling things and then.#some motherfucker comes home and crashes here for god knows how long and i just have to live w that.#and honestly. it makes. my process a lot more difficult. sometimes it's enough to make up unable to interact w my fixations completely.#one thing about me and the askr siblings is. all of my grief is stored in there.#grief that has nowhere to go. grief for things that were never meant for me. forever out of reach.#idk. like. realistically none of these things are really a big deal. except maybe the meds. that is upsetting.#but like i don't caaaare. i'm gonna scream and cry and bleed all over the place and writhe and throw up.

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arolesbianism · 5 months

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Shakes the bars of my cage I need to draw soooo bad I need to draw I need to draw let me draw I have to draw I need to draw I must draw (<- has been too sick to be on electronics much and doesn't like doing traditional art)

#rat rambles #Im starting to feel better tho Im betting within a day or two Ill have made a full recovery #but I just have so many things I wanna draw all the sudden and its killing me #its because I've been thinking abt ocs again and that gives me a lot more options lol #in particular I've been thinking abt marci and toon more again recently #its just the two of them flirting in their mutual workplace environment with toon being dead serious and marci doing it ironically #the main thing is that marci was rly under the impression that toon like. hated her and was taunting her since they're friends with loonie #who long story short is marci's ex childhood best friend who she fell out with after the death of loonie's mom #the two are not on good terms in the slightest and marci knows very well that loonie would want her dead if she had been more honest #so as toon starts to like get more casual and like genuine with marci as the two spend more time together marci warms up somewhat but still #doesn't rly see toon as a friendly figure until they take her out to a museum and marci kind of snaps a bit and asks toon to stop beating #around the bush and is caught off guard when toon seems genuinely kind of hurt and meekly explains that they were just trying to help her #because she had seemed rly stressed and sad all the time and they thought that their lil dates had been helping her relax a bit #that confrontation left marci initially feeling confused but after the initial shock she was mostly left with a sense of dread and guilt #partially because she had just snapped at someone who she had grown to care abt for no reason and partially because she now felt that she #was hiding stuff from toon that would cause them to change their mind on her immediately if they knew #aka that she and loonie are divorced and that she thinks its mom sucked absolute ass (which she did)#oh and also that she used to have a crush on the guy that killed its mom who was also his mom which is also the reason she hates said mom #said mom treated him (aka midas) like shit and tried to get him killed several times #so when all hell broke loose marci at the end ended up mourning midas much more than his mom who everyone else was mourning #including loonie since it actually had a very positive relationship with its mom and a very distant relationship from its siblings #now marci never admitted all of this to anyone but she did act on those feelings to eventually lash out at loonie causing a huge fight #basically she yelled at it for being pushy and clingy and forcing her into a job she didnt want and expecting her to solve all its problems #the two dont necessarily hate eachother but they definitely heavily resent eachother #they still often long for eachothers companionship but not nearly enough for either to wanna make ammends #so toon quite liking both of them causes some internal conflict for the both of them #loonie is fully aware that toon has a big ol crush on marci but doesnt stop them from being friends with her even if it makes it sad #and marci rly wishes that toon wasnt friends with loonie but feels guilty for feeling that way #its a complicated situation and one that rly isn't helped by the fact that one of the three has the dead god queen mom #loonie could get away with a Lot and everyone knows it

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