#idk how some of y’all have gotten this far without realizing you were part of the problem at one point

[female-david-tennant]

Stresses me out how much ppl are like “OmG?!?! Dan and Phil knew about X post??” Or say they must have looked back on it recently or else how would they remember?

Bro. I think you fundamentally misunderstand them and the Internet parasocial relationship we have/had with them. They knew. They always knew. And I don’t want to put words in anyone’s mouths here, but it HURT them. Also. They’re not stupid. Y’all always think you’re so clever and sneaky.

I was there, at one point at like age 13, I grew as a person, forgiven myself, learned.

we’ve been invited back in so use your head and treat them with kindness, respect, and dignity. There is a way to interact, create, and bond while still doing that.

That being said, there was a lot of good to come from that circle, and we have a chance to cultivate it. Do that.

[onlyhereforangst]

WWR

Alright y’all a likely final WWR coming at you, you know 3 months late the day of the dreaded s19 premiere. This definitely gets ranty and emotional, if you’re a Gibbs stan scroll the fuck away & don’t send me hate anon. This is bittersweet and it hurts and I’ve been living in denial for months but I needed this little bit of closure before the writer’s absolutely fuck it up in less than 6 hours. I hope you enjoy my emotional ramblings & I’ve absolutely loved writing these for the past two years, i’ll miss it & your reactions to it dearly ❤️

Badass Ellie is allllllways a treat, and protective nick contrasted to her making albeit slightly reckless decisions is top tier. And then followed up by him being impressed as hell??? He’s like damn my girl just did that and I am not turned on, no way, we are working I am not turned on, nope. Nick sitting at Ellie’s desk in the beginning PLS. Feet kicked up feeling mighty comfortable for someone who hates sitting at a desk 👀 only ok with it when it’s Ellie’s, huh Nick? Also I love that he’s sticking with the nonchalant approach like he did when he found her looking up Eastern Europe locations. He knows if he pushes too hard it won’t go well, but he is still concerned for her well-being. Those pieces slowly clicking into place that something isn’t just off- it’s worrisome off. Because while yes he’s still nonchalant he’s a touch more serious this time, ignoring her attempt at a brush off and claiming “he wants answers.” It’s a subtle step up from 18x14, but it’s there. His spidey senses are tingling and he’s getting less and less able to hide his concern for her 🥺 even if he tries to play it off as flirty banter because yes he’s still gd impressed with her moves and even tells Vance as such essentially. 

Flash forward to at the stash house and they find the files plus the mini debrief back in the bullpen…I truly am inclined to believe Ellie doesn’t know here. I mean sure she realizes that the timing fits to a certain extent—she was at NSA when this happened, but I don’t think she knows this is the beginning of her end. She’s like “oh they’re selling secrets too” and “my contacts are all gone” like…I just, she seems too casual and not at all on edge. Idk so far I’m just not getting that vibe. She even brushed off McGee with the whole that was ten years ago almost like she didn’t remember it? But then at the same time she did bring up the whole legal vs ethical- she hedged, but she did mention it. She was not super gung-ho about OMG THIS WAS SO UNETHICAL WTF HOW COULD THEY DO THIS so still……..idk lets continue haha

Ok her knowledge of guns is slightly concerning but also Nick finds it concerning AND hot, boy can’t help himself lets be honest. That “damn” that slips out please, so many sirens going off in that head but also you’re just like well fuck talk dirty to me some more babe. Aaaaand here we go, here’s why I know Ellie didn’t know that odette was going to plant that shit right now. “Whoever took them from the NSA’s code-level servers risked a lot more than their career” with a little like duh face from Ellie SCREAMS that she did not, would not, EVER do that. The leak was fabricated by Odette and the fact that it would be planted during this case was all Odette unbeknownst to Ellie. Or why the fuck would Ellie so casually and somewhat judgmentally be like “who TF would leak something like that, man they stupid, committing treason and whatnot.” And Ellie is SHOOK when Vance tells her it was her. Like shook as in, blinks several times, shifts her weight back, glances at McGee with a flash of surprise in her eyes. That body language screeeeeams being caught off guard. If she had leaked those documents and if she had known this was a plant, she wouldn’t be caught off guard. And no matter how well you can try and play the part, that body language is legit. She’s shocked someone would even think about that and oh man, Nick. Nick’s face hurts me (and I know this is just the beginning). Because a man who has always seen himself as the bad egg, the criminal so to speak, the one who would do something shady before any of the others. He is shook and angry that Vance could even consider accusing Ellie of this. And then there’s the genuine concern etched on his face (and I’d know, the screen is currently paused on his face staring at Ellie with a worried furrowed brow and pain clenched in his jaw) because he knows logical Ellie wouldn’t do this but also he knows he’s been seeing little puzzle pieces fall into place of suspicious behavior and this is just one more thing that doesn’t sit right with him- doesn’t fit the woman he’s come to know and love. And while I know he truly believes she didn’t leak the files, I would bet right here he’s concerned about what the fuck she’s gotten herself wrapped up in. 

And she continues to be adamantly against this, like Eleanor Raye Bishop would NOT ever leak intel, not as a baby NSA analyst who believed she was doing the right thing always in her role. Never once bringing up questionable ethics, she thought it was the greater good, that little patriot. She’s so adamantly against it and then Vance asks if she was framed, and I think that’s the point where Ellie realizes this is Odette. The word framed all of a sudden clicks it all into place and she picks up it might be “go time” for her. Her glances over at Vance have changed, they’re more cautious, calculating. She hears they’ve been leaked over ten years ago and she knows that she didn’t do it 10 years ago so this very well may be the notice of eviction from Odette. The “we’re coming for you, Agent Bishop” and her little look, oooooh Ellie is fired up. Her switch flipped and she’s now gotta hunker down and defend herself until she can confirm with Odette. Vance doesn’t even let her get a word in to “fight” for her innocence. But the fact that she’s getting sent home pisses her off, she wants to be close to the investigation, know what’s happening, and I’m sure a part of her still resists being dubbed that traitor of the state. Who knows, Odette may have never told her how she would become a disgraced NCIS agent, and this may have pissed Ellie off because her integrity is something she prides herself on. Her line, “I’m not Gibbs […] I’m innocent line” is like a tiny bright spot to chuckle in during this dismal finale. Gibbs hate train right hereeeee

Love that Kasie is immediately on the Ellie defense side, not looking forward to her reaction to Ellie leaving IF they even decide to show us. 

Gibbs telling Ellie “sometimes there’s nothing left to be said” when he fucking up and left the team without so much as a goodbye or sorry for committing police brutality like fuck outta here Gibbs. Ellie is CLEARLY vulnerable right now, she’s been accused of leaking classified documents aka committing treason, she’s suspended, she’s on the brink of going on some dumbass undercover op and is begging, pleading, for any sign from you- her boss and father figure- not to do it. That he shows remorse for leaving the team without a word, that he regrets his decision to just disappear on them, that he wishes he hadn’t or he had done it differently. ANY kind of sign to tell her not to go through with what she’s about to go through. Literally any sign, and instead Gibbs gets defensive and bites back that she’s picking the wrong time in her life (LIKE HELLO YOU JUST SAID IT RIGHT THERE IDIOT, SHE’S GOING THROUGH SHIT MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS BUT NO YOU’RE WRAPPED UP IN GIBBS LA-LA-LAND AND HAVE SAID FUCK YOU TO YOUR SUPPOSED KIDS), so now Ellie is even more pissed and gets defensive back telling him he doesn’t even know what’s going on in her life and if that’s not a desperate cry for help I don’t know what is. like she is begging you Gibbs to pick up on it and figure it out, begging you to do your job that’s you’re supposedly so good at and save her from going through with this stupid mission. And then Ellie realizes that he stopped caring about them. He’d gotten so wrapped up in what he was doing, he stopped caring about their lives, the problems they were facing, anything. Him *not* realizing something was happening??? This is Gibbs, this is the man that always knows what’s happening before you even know what’s happening. So the words “I’m starting to realize that” hit like a fucking dump truck. He’s too preoccupied with his own boat-making nonsense that he can’t be bothered to have even an inkling of an idea of what’s going on in their lives. And he doesn’t seem to care that he’s dropped them from his life. And that’s when it hits Ellie, he’s never coming back. He’s cut the team out of his life and he doesn’t care. He has no regrets, he can’t even be bothered to have a single regret. And I think that, right there, is when Ellie decides she’s all in. I think there was always a small part of her that was hesitant to go along with odette. Hesitant to just upend her career and her relationships (aka Nick, but we’ll get to this), all of it. But hearing that the man she looked up to even though he’d made some mistakes, the man she viewed as a father, the one person who’d taken a chance on the nerdy analyst long ago, the one constant through all the turmoil she’d had, just left? Just left without a goodbye, without remorse, without even a parting thought for her? That was it for her. Whatever brainwashing Odette had fed her that she’d pushed back against from fully taking over finally broke free. And with it, Ellie grieves, she’s tearing up from knowing what she’s about to lose. Lose the man she viewed as a father, the coworkers that were like a family, the partner she’d found herself loving like she’d never loved before. 

Ugh poor hurt Nick, he’s willing to do all the grunt work that he abhors in order to free up McGee so he can save Ellie. Nick knows he doesn’t have the skills and I think that’s killing him even more so. He can’t just do it himself, he has to rely on someone else to clear her name (to which he bumped back to last name in a last ditch attempt to maintain distance and keep some semblance of emotions in check, which is failing miserably), and that is killing the doer we know and love. LOL “so you’re both wrong” this poor man I love him, I can’t wait for the tears that will come from me later 🥲 nick immediately taking Jessica’s help, I love it. He’s like I don’t give AF who will help us but I am clearing this woman’s name if it’s the last thing I do. And then she walks in and he’s frozen. All these emotions running through him and then she’s there?? And she ignores him??? Ignores all of them?? Rushes past and storms up to the director on a suicide mission??? Yeah this is why I said that conversation with Gibbs was her last nail in the coffin. She hadn’t decided to go through with it (hence why she hedged earlier with Vance) and then he went and was a piece of shit so she said the hell with it and went all in. She can’t even bring herself to speak at Nick, barely looks at him, because she knows, she knows if she speaks to him, if he gets a chance to try and talk her down in the heightened emotional state she’s in after talking to Gibbs, she won’t be able to hold it in. She won’t be able to deal with seeing emotionally charged and hurt Nick. So she ignores him and McGee and does what she thinks she has to do. How hard did it have to be for Ellie to tell Vance not to defend her, and that their intel was correct? 🥺🥺 it goes against everything she’s ever stood for and she just went and did it. She hates liars and yet she lied. She loves her country and yet she claimed she committed treason. Her body language once again screams uncomfortable but trying to play it off. She’d nodding and repeating it over and over because she needs to convince herself of the words. They leave a bitter taste in her mouth and she can’t stop it. All she can do is clench her jaw a little tighter and get it over with and convince herself. 

Nick is in disbelief, obviously. McGee looks like he’s five seconds from breaking down because his little sister is supposedly a traitor??? Like he can’t believe it. He’s hurt she would do something like this even though he still knows in his gut that it can’t possibly be true. And oh FUCK the part where Nick’s voice cracks asking if Vance fired Ellie. Fuuuuuuuck me. This man’s heart is breaking for what’s happening to Ellie and being completely in the dark about it. Sure they weren’t really clear on what “they” were after The Talk but still. He thought she was open with him. Ever since the jail cell, things had shifted and he thought she’d been honest with him. He’d picked up on those little things, but maybe it was just training or something, NOT committing alleged treason and quitting the one career she loved. Not leaving him in the dark and vanishing without so much as a word. Not that. Because she KNOWS his past, she knows how much shit he’s been through with people in his life leaving without so much as a goodbye. And his voice continues to crack asking about what’s going on because he’s literally in shock. McGee is desperately trying to keep it together, keep some sort of figurehead for the team. Nick is in shambles ok, just like I’m in shambles. He’s adamant she didn’t do it because he KNOWS her. He knows she would never in a million years leak classified intel and now he’s just confused like a lost and kicked puppy. She didn’t DO IT, and she’s not answering her PHONE. He just wants to talk to her, he just wants to know she’s ok, wants to comfort her, wants to convince her to stop and it’ll be alright and he’ll take care of her and he’ll save her because that’s all he wants to do and always has, right? Save her. Save her from everything in this world that could hurt her. Protect her from life’s dangers. Protect her because he can’t bear the thought of losing her. And that all is crumbling down around him. All of it, crashing down like an avalanche, ready to bury him alive in grief and guilt and despair and anger. How am I supposed to TALK to her, he just wants to fucking be with her. He just wants to be there. With her. For the rest of their lives.

Ellie looking at the hat, please. That’s a lifetime of regret packed into one facial expression right there. She’s looking at that hat, the one she cherishes from the moment Gibbs hands it to her, and knows it’ll be the last time she ever sees it again. It’s not something she can take with her, and it’s full of fond memories—most happy, some sad, a few bittersweet—but memories that have made her life whole the past 8 years. And there’s officially no going back, she’s admitted to treason, there’s no way out of that. She’s having to say goodbye to all of her career without saying goodbye to any of them, all of that is wrapped up in that hat. A hat that’s so simple but signifies so much to her. She definitely was not expecting McGee to come out and so her rebuttals to him are exasperated and grasping at straws initially. She tries sarcasm and then she tries to brush it off “it doesn’t matter, it’s done […] I get that, I don’t want to talk about it” when McGee voices that he’s hurt over this and her reputation matters to him. Because he’s like another brother to you dammit Ellie. Yeah he’s grown since he said Ziva was like a sister to him and just stomped on your heart, he didn’t say it then but you’re like a sister to him too Ellie. I love that he fights her on it, and Ellie is like shit I have to come up with something. I don’t think she expected McGee of all people to fight her on this and I’m so glad he did. A little bit of growth because he is not going to see another person he views as family leave him again. And Ellie’s half assed excuses please, all of it is just such BULLSHIT because when they first debriefed she was just like “ethical? Hmmm” nothing more, nothing about being a vigilante and being up in arms over this like she claims she was. Bullshit Ellie, bullshit. And the PARALLELS TO FUCKING GIBBS. THIS IS WHAT YOU DID GIBBS, THIS IS YOU. LOOK WHERE YOU FUCKING PUSHED ELEANOR BISHOP TO STOOP TO. McGee begging her to regret it and Ellie pulls a Gibbs and is like NOPE. WONDER WHERE THE FUCK SHE LEARNED THAT FROM HUH. Gibbs you are singlehandedly responsible for this shit and how Ellie broke Nick’s heart and whatever happens to her on this stupid mission. I’m glad your dumb boat blew up, you deserve it. 

“I don’t want protection” because I can’t have you all following me. 

“It kills me that I lied to the people I was closest to” not about what you think I’m lying about but what I’ve been hiding. It kills me that I can’t tell you the real reason for this. It kills me.

“It wasn’t years ago for us” McGee rip my heart out please it will hurt less. And Ellie just playing into all of it. Knowing that she needs him and everyone else to hate her and not trust her. Her entire livelihood and backstory rely on them hating her and not following her, believing she’s the enemy and she’s hid these kinds of secrets for so long. Believing she’s a criminal and it was all a farce. She has to play into it. She has to. It’s the only way she will survive, they’ll survive. Odette likely fed her this shit, cut all ties, make sure no one follows, make sure no one is attached, burn all bridges. 

Ah and we’re back to pissed Nick. Nick who doesn’t like to be left in the dark ever, let alone when it deals with Bishop. Getting his edgy self being rude to Kasie but Kasie doesn’t even bat an eyelash. She knows Nick is hurting and she reaches out to him, she doesn’t take his tone to heart because she knows. Nick saying he wouldn’t know how she’s doing is just like a knife to the heart. He wants to know, desperately. He once thought he was the person she would go to in times like these but now all he’s getting is radio silence, a cold shoulder, and screened phone calls. He’s in visceral pain from the thought of her going through this alone, pain from everything he once thought true and good being destroyed in a day’s time. And Kasie is shocked that Nick hasn’t spoken to her. If that doesn’t tell you she knows that they are a thing and the gravity of all this, I don’t know what will. Nick should have spoken to her, clearly he wants to, in every other situation he would have already. But Kasie (and Jessica) just realized Ellie is shutting Nick out and that is Not Good. 

Back to Gibbs. Fucking asshole he is. McGee comes to you desperate to help his sister, Gibbs’ “daughter” and he goes “I think she’s at a crossroads” ???? Acting like he didn’t fucking encourage her at this so-called crossroads???? Like ???? The fuck???? Her crossroads was painfully obvious when she came to talk to you and YOU basically treated her like you couldn’t care less about her. That you had no clue what she was dealing with in her life and said as much. So yeah, she WAS at a fucking crossroads until you SHOVED her into oncoming traffic and said have a nice fucking life. AND THEN. McGee wants to help her and Gibbs tells him he can’t??? “Not this time” bitch this is YOUR FAULT. YOU COULD HAVE HELPED HER. COULD HAVE TALKED TO HER AT LEAST SOMEWHAT AND YOU DIDN’T. YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T REALIZE SHE WAS SPIRALING AND THAT YOU DIDN’T REGRET LEAVING YOUR SO-CALLED FOUND FAMILY IN THE DUST AND GUESS WHAT. SHE WENT AND PARROTED YOUR WORDS RIGHT BACK AT MCGEE SO FUCK YOU GIBBS. 

Ooooh Nick looks lethal, love that look, hate why he has that look though. Lol Nick getting ready to go murder the dude in interrogation because he set up Ellie and he’s just ignoring the fact that she claims she committed treason because he already knows there is literally no way on earth that she did it. And Vance realizing that Nick needs to stand down like fiiiiiiinally someone realized it. Obviously he isn’t gonna listen and poor Nick, this boy has it bad and he’s truly just SO WORRIED for what Ellie is about to do. Because right there, the confirmation that the file was a plant, that was the final puzzle piece falling into its perfect place. Every single thing he questioned, every little moment he’d replayed in his head, it all made sense. And he was so very pissed she hadn’t come to him- and honestly I think part of him is trying to ignore the WHY that’s behind that because he truly wouldn’t be able to think straight if he went there. I think that would be his end, going into the why she didn’t trust him, why she lied, why it hurts him so much. It would be the end, and yet…we’re just beginning here. And of course he knows exactly who is manipulating Ellie, he hadn’t trusted that scum from the start. So of course he goes straight to Odette’s cabin and lays in wait, probably pouring over all the documents and things Ellie did or didn’t leave behind there. 

Ellie pulling up in the truck and that heavy sigh? Yeah, she’s still not convinced this is a good idea. She’s running on emotions but that logical part of her (and deep down, her heart, knowing what she’s about to do- who she’s about to cut out of her life) is whispering of how very bad an idea this is. She still has to gather her willpower to get out of that car but when it’s Gibbs calling her? The same Gibbs that basically just kicked her out the door without so much as a wave goodbye? Yeah, the emotion just came rushing back, pushing the logic aside. She claims she can’t tell Nick because no shit if she has to look him in the face and lie and still say goodbye, it’ll kill her. She’s honestly not sure if she can go through with it. 

OH we back to a Gibbs hate novel, hold on. “I’M REALLY PROUD OF YOU BISHOP” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I’M REALLY PROUD YOU’RE THROWING EVERYTHING YOU EVER WORKED FOR AWAY, PUSHING THE ONES YOU LOVE THE MOST OUT OF YOUR LIFE, SACRIFICING YOUR ONE SHOT OF LOVE THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE DESERVE THE MOST. I’M SO PROUD OF YOU. Oh fuck OFF Gibbs. “Following your gut” oh shut UP. I just don’t understand this part. I don’t understand it, and I’m trying so hard for it to make sense, for it to be in character. Like does Gibbs have any clue?? I’m sure he recognizes the signs, I’m sure he has an inkling at this point. So how would he be proud? How the FUCK would he say he’s learned some stuff from her. Does he mistakenly trust Odette because of what she did for Ziva? Is he just so self-absorbed he doesn’t completely comprehend what Ellie is doing leaving Nick behind??? And Rule 91 is a load of shit. “When you decide to walk away, don’t look back” how FUCKING STUPID. Like Gibbs of all people, you should understand that is a SHIT rule. You’ve lost the people you loved dearly and you think she should just never look back? Like are you saying this so that Ellie has a clear head for the undercover op? Are you hoping she doesn’t get herself killed by being wrapped up in what she left behind??? What the actual fuck. Stupid ass rule honestly. It’s what you live by Gibbs and look how well that turned out for you. Look at the family you ditched. Nice fucking job. 

“It’s done” and “what are you talking about I did everything you asked” ok she’s 100% being manipulated and almost blackmailed somehow. There’s no other explanation. Eleanor Raye Bishop wouldn’t do this shit. Not willingly, not if she knew how much Nick loved her and how much she loved him (which if her words in just a minute are any indication, yeah she had a fucking clue). Odette calling Nick a loose end just SCREAMS how she purposefully fucking chose the moment Ellie and Nick started to get close to decide it was time for Ellie to go undercover. I just KNOW it. She’s a manipulative bitch and there is no limit to the rock bottom she will stoop to. 

Ellie knows who she’s talking about and the just look of fuck I have to actually tell him to his face. The doubt and grief and guilt and all of it, flashing across her face as she realizes she has to do this. She has to face this, she has to lie. She has to break his trust (not that she hasn’t already) something SHE made so painstakingly clear she needed from Nick. Nick is rightfully *pissed* I mean who can blame him. Ellie with her, “I have nothing to be sorry for.” I know Ellie is just doing her best to burn bridges, the hesitation and avoidance leading up to this lends itself to no other interpretation. She is going to say anything and everything to make sure Nick does not follow her. Make sure he stays as far away as possible from her. She can’t bear the thought of him getting hurt in some way from all this. Even though he may not get physically hurt, I don’t think she realizes the heart break is going to be worse. The painful part is Nick understands, he understands why she wants to do undercover. He had seen that glimmer in her eye when they were Charlie and Luis, he gets it, he’s been there. And he wishes so desperately he could impress every lesson he’s learned on her right then and there but at the same time he knows it won’t change a thing. He just wishes in vain that their love would change her mind, even if logic wouldn’t, their love surely could. I think Ellie starts to realize just how much Nick can see through her and that’s why she owns up to the fact that Odette planted the files, and also why I believe the leak was all an elaborate hack that Ellie didn’t know about. 

Then we get to the even more painful part of Nick giving us a glimpse of his raw heart. The why now with a voice crack and Ellie’s hedge at now wasn’t her choice with her own voice cracking, just is so so so telling. She could lie, she could really work at burning this relationship in a blaze of glory but she doesn’t, she owns up to the fact that she didn’t purposefully choose now (aka right when they were starting to figure things out between them), she’s not pulling the strings. Nick coming back with so you had a choice is like the little 5 year old boy whose dad is walking out on him again and it just HURTS. And at the same time Ellie is also the young, insecure agent right now who just wants to prove herself. She wants to be viewed as “ready” and the man whose opinion she bases way too much of her self-worth in didn’t say he was proud of her until she was upending her career to go on some deep cover op where she ditches everyone important in her life. 

“How long?” “Too long.” Yeah ok FUCK ME. They both know exactly what they’re talking about without even saying the actual words. Ellie’s voice cracks once again because of the emotion in Nick’s voice and what he’s implying. It pains her to leave him and what they’re becoming behind. It viscerally hurts her, you can see it on her face. She doesn’t want it to be too long, but she knows it will be. She can’t fathom that he’d stay or wait for her, she doesn’t think she even deserves that. 

Tbh it’s so hard to put this all into words. To fully convey to you how angry and hurt I am over this shit. Ellie’s being manipulated and hurt that she has to burn this bridge and push Nick as far away from her as possible. She thinks its her only out and what should be expected of her based off her conversation with Gibbs because then she parrots his exact words back at Nick when he begs, literally begs her to say something after she was willing to leave without saying goodbye (which we know is because she didn’t think she was going to be able to look Nick in the eye and still go through with it all), “sometimes there’s nothing left to be said” like fuck you Gibbs for planting that in her head. There’s PLENTY left to be said. Clearly Nick was not pleased you blew him off Ellie, he wants you to say anything that would make this make sense (we all are tbh) and she says you know my *favorite* line, “I didn’t mean for us to happen.” Nick is all of us with his “something else” because WHAT THE FUCK. This is how I know Ellie was going full throttle with her strategy of pushing Nick away. This was the one thing she could say that would hit hardest for Nick. The man who is insecure about anyone truly loving him and him being a person deserving of a love that “stays” and for Ellie to say she didn’t mean to fall in love and even though they did she’s still going to leave because it was never in the plan, just damn, stab him in the back and twist that knife Ellie. And just like her body language this WHOLE TIME 💀💀💀 she’s just shaking her head because she doesn’t even believe her own words, she doesn’t want to confront this, she doesn’t want to end this. There’s tears in her eyes because everything she’s saying is a lie and it hurts it hurts so damn much but she has to. She’s been manipulated into believing she has to do this, has to say these things. And his body language too, I mean he is tight. He is standing so rigid, hands clasped behind his back because he’s trying to convey openness and vulnerability and it’s so much growth for Nick, so much growth and Ellie is still ripping his heart out and stomping on it. And when she chokes out that goodbye you can hear and feel how final she believes it to be. She doesn’t think he’ll stick around or even want to. In this vein I think she underestimates his love for her here. And if the show goes a different way with it, they’re little bitches. It is in character for Nick to do everything in his power and outside of the rules to find & save Ellie. I will riot if I don’t see unhinged Nick some point early in s19 (I say like I’m going to watch religiously), because that is the only logical reaction to her leaving like this. 

The kiss. It’s a beautiful fucking kiss and it’s ruined by context. It’s an emotional kiss, Ellie throws her body behind it, gripping his face with both hands because she doesn’t want to let him go (even though she’s going to), she clutches to this memory like she clutches to his face. Nick’s clenched expression because he doesn’t want to open his heart up to more heartbreak but when he leans into the kiss and gives the kiss back you know he’s a goner. And maybe a part of him doesn’t care because this may be his last memory of her for a long time and he’s going to burn it into his memory too. It’s why he keeps his eyes shut after she’s left for so long, he doesn’t want to open them and the reality of her retreating back be the last thing he sees of Ellie. He wants the kiss to be the last thing, he doesn’t want to face his reality. His hands had even come out from behind his back, reaching out to her subconsciously willing her not to leave. Meanwhile, Ellie opens her eyes for that last kiss on the cheek to get one last long look at Nick, one last look that will hold her over for who knows how long. A look at his vulnerable face, a face she loves. A look that she hopes will keep her warm at night even though she knows she’ll never get it this close to her again because there’s no way in hell that Nick would entertain the thought of them together again after what she’s done. She doesn’t look back because she can’t. She can’t see Nick’s wounded face just standing there, broken or she won’t go. And Nick tries to stand resolute, the anger and pain flashing across his face before he grits his teeth together and *hopefully* resolves to find Odette and kill her I mean save Ellie I mean kill Odette 🙊

Anyways, there’s only a very specific way this entire finale makes sense. And I know Emily’s pregnancy threw it for a loop, but they can still SOMEWHAT fix this. Do I think they will? Hell fucking no. I have zero expectations, in fact negative expectations. I have a feeling what we were supposed to see is Nick going on an absolute swan rampage to find Ellie and clear her name throughout the first couple episodes of s19 and with Emily leaving the show, I’m not sure how they’ll twist this. I can see why they thought this was a fun cliffhanger because it would eventually be resolved and I do believe they would’ve eventually gotten ellick together after Nick found her. But unless Emily comes back at the end of the show, that won’t happen, at least not on screen. And with that I just 🥲 I’m still mad, I’m still broken inside but yeah. I’m a masochist before anything else apparently and so I made myself rewatch and write this out. A bittersweet pissed off adieu to the WWR. maybe one day i’ll find another ship & show that gets this level of meta out of me, but it’s been real ellick, it’s been really real ❤️

[furubabes]

Okay. Somebody Asked. @shoujobell and @cryptidaicat, y’all encouraged this. I’m gonna tag this #long post if you wanna filter.

So here. I got the urge to write and so I ranked the Fruits Basket couples from my favorite to least favorite. These aren’t my complete thoughts because I could honestly do multiple full meta posts on each pairing, but I tried to justify and explain all my choices. Standard disclaimer, this is subjective and we can agree to disagree.

Part 1: Just the reasonably popular ones

1. Kyoru: Someone’s gonna call me unoriginal for this but it’s fine. Kyoru is the main romance of Fruits Basket! They bring out the best in each other and build each other up as characters. Kyoru is basically my gold standard take on Sunshine Girl x Grouchy Dude, and I’m not even usually into that trope otherwise. Their romance is one of the few that feels so genuinely necessary to the story. They love each other and like each other. Kyo understands Tohru in a way no one else in the narrative does, and vice versa. They’re in love like soulmates and also like awkward teenagers. Kyoru invented romance. If it’s boring to like healthy romances with realistic development, I’ll be boring.

2. Tohrin: If Tohru didn’t end up with Kyo I would only want her to be with Rin. I guess they have some of the same appeal as Kyoru for me - Rin reads Tohru in a way a lot of people don’t. I also like how honest and raw they are with each other. They yell! They fight! Rin is down to just straight up knock Tohru over to keep her from rushing off. Also, they’re both absolute fashion icons. Goth x Prep rights. I firmly believe Tohru Honda is bisexual.

3. Yukeru: This is my favorite Yuki pairing. I followed @yunsoh way back when the reboot first started and her blog has got me absolutely hooked on Yukeru. I think Yuki’s arc would have just made a ridiculous amount of sense if he was gay. It screams comphet. Kakeru is an excellent complement to Yuki, and their bond feels incredibly natural. Honestly I feel like it’s the most organic romantic development outside of Kyoru. I think realistically they wouldn’t have gotten together until post-canon and frankly Yuki shines in his friendships much more than romances, so I’m not absolutely dying for them to be together, but if Yuki’s going to date anyone Kakeru is my pick.

4. Arisaki: Man... I just like them. They strike me as less of an epic love and more of a comfortable partnership. I also read them both as lesbians anyway lol. Honestly I think they both had feelings for Tohru at one point and bonded over it. The way I picture them happening is honestly just Arisa at 25 frantically googling “is it gay to hold hands with my girl roommate who I spend all my time with and also we never date men“ because Saki bought them rings that look like wedding bands but they could just be super close friendship rings and oh god she’s in too deep. They’re dating for four years before they notice.

5. AyaMine: But Jessie! You literally never post about this pairing! Yeah, you’re right. I never think about them actively. But when ranking the canon ships I realized that I like the two of them together because they’re chill and understated. They’re huge loud personalities on their own but as a couple, they just feel like two people who are happy together and like spending time with one another. No drama, no mess, very understated. No plot contrivances driving their relationship. Good for them.

6. YukiKyo: Okay, so I can be convinced to put on my YukiKyo goggles more often than not. It feels iffy because there’s debate about how closely related all the Sohmas are and these two are called “cousins” a lot in school, but since half of the Sohmas are dating each other anyway, I err on the side of them being more of a clan than a proper blood family. Anyway, YukiKyo is my designated angst fuel. I think it would realistically be pretty one-sided from Yuki’s side, since we see him wanting Kyo’s approval from a very young age, but I like exploring the what-ifs of their lives if they’d been friends instead of rivals. In canon, I like to think that after high school they’re not best friends in the traditional sense, but either one could show up with a dead body and the other would help them bury it, no questions asked.

7. Yuchi: Really? Yuki’s wife is my third favorite pairing for him? Look, I adore Machi, and I still like Yuchi. But as I’ve been watching the reboot and reading others’ metas, I think I agree that their relationship could have been very powerful as a platonic one, sort of running parallel to Yuki and Tohru. I like them together but I think there wasn’t quite time for a complete character arc for Machi and her growth sort of begins and ends with Yuki. I don’t object to them being a couple in canon and I think they’re genuinely very sweet, but once again, I think Yuki stands out in his friendships more than anything. I would have liked to see Machi strike out on her own a little more.

8. Haru x Yuki: I don’t have any particular feelings towards them but I love their dynamic already and I think as a couple they’d both be really easygoing and comfortable with each other. I think a childhood crush turned close friendship is honestly the narrative that works best for them so I have no need for the two to date canonically, but every time they interact in the anime it gets a laugh out of me. They’re cool. They’d make a very pretty pair.

9. Mayutori: I’m Mayutori-neutral. I think they suffer from Fruits Basket’s pair the spare syndrome, but out of the side pairings that don’t have too much impact, they’re one I enjoy. Mayu’s fun as a character, and painfully relatable, and I like that Hatori’s eventual romance isn’t with someone who reminds him of Kana or something like that. I also want good things for Hatori. Mayutori has serious heterosexual energy though. I’m not saying this as a pro or con, they’re just very straight.

10. Hatsuzu: Okay, Haru and Rin aren’t this far down because I hate them. I’m perfectly fine with them being together in canon. But I think their romance almost... functions better as individual motivation for their character arcs than it does as an actual relationship, if that makes sense? Rin’s backstory episode is heartbreaking and her motivation to protect Haru is compelling and sympathetic, but their actual scenes together just don’t move me that much. Their romance is the least interesting part of either character for me.

11. Hiro x Kisa: Yeah I never got into it that much. It’s cute, it’s a sweet depiction of childhood crushes, but I’m not a fan of the idea of them ending up together. Kisa’s a cutie and Hiro is entertaining but the two of them together don’t actually do much for me. The dynamic between them is almost like if someone did Kyoru with none of the nuance. Ultimately though, they’re kids. I don’t expect them to have a deep and complex romance.

12. Yukiru: I think it would be a disservice to their characters if they were a couple. People far more eloquent than me have already written plenty of meta on why Yuki and Tohru aren’t what the other needs romantically, so I won’t get into it, but basically I just think their canon friendship is so beautiful and meaningful that I wouldn’t want to change it. Yuki and Tohru support my thesis that not all soulmates are romantic.

13. Tohru x Momiji: Welcome to the subjective dislike corner! This pairing is reasonably popular among people theorizing who Tohru would be with if not Kyo, but for some reason it just sits poorly with me. I can’t rank it any lower because there’s nothing evil or morally wrong about it! I just really don’t like it. I’ve quit a few fics because this pairing came up and I just can’t enjoy it.

14. Kakeru x Komaki: Idk, I just think Kakeru latching onto the one girl who was nice to him and put up with his bullshit and then being with her forever isn’t compelling. Komaki’s also probably his beard. She’s likable as an individual though.

15. Akigure: There’s plenty to say about the age gap, Shigure being in love with Akito since she was a fetus because of The Dream, the implications of a 15-18 year old knowing he’d one day want to be with a then-10-year-old... yeah, you get it. But even if I was able to put all that aside because Soulmate Destiny Logic, I still don’t think I’d like Akigure. I think they’re interesting as bitter, codependent exes, but I don’t like the idea of Akito ending up with anyone who she abused or who abused her. I think she has so much growing to do as a character and staying in a relationship within the Sohma family to do it can’t be healthy for her. I can’t see them living happily ever after, nor do I really want to.

16. Kurisa: I think what frustrates me the most here is that I want to like Kureno and everything about this romance is written to dull his most interesting traits. First of all, the age gap. Yeah, it’s gross, I don’t like it. But even past that, the love at first sight, instant fixation with each other, and lack of actual chemistry just kills me. Arisa’s stated reason to like Kureno is that he reminds her of Tohru, basically piggybacking off the chemistry she and Tohru already have, and his total lack of agency means the plot just sort of carries him along. It frustrates me that Takaya could have done something pretty cool by making them simply friends who have a chance encounter and then build a friendship from there that parallels Kureno’s abusive dynamic with Akito. It would be neat if a stranger’s kindness was the push Kureno needed to get himself out of the Sohmas’ grasp, without all the nonsensical drama about them being in love. It would also be less of a disservice to Arisa, who basically just spends the whole series pining for Kureno after they meet and I hate it. I could write a whole post about this. Maybe I will sometime.

17. Kyoko x Katsuya: I don’t think their story is romantic. I think it’s tragic for Kyoko, and if it were framed that way within the narrative, I wouldn’t object so much to its existence. But... Takaya just really likes age gaps with a younger woman and an older man, so the narrative romanticizes this man marrying his student. Katsuya can be depicted as well-meaning as you want, but he’s still got a ridiculous amount of power over Kyoko. She was also still pretty young when she had Tohru, which doesn’t make things any better because it’s clear that the relationship turned physical when Kyoko was a teen, thus dashing the idea of Katsuya legally marrying her to save her but not actually doing anything creepy. I wish Fruits Basket framed this as a story of Kyoko escaping one dangerous situation by entering a relationship with a huge power imbalance, because that happens to girls all the time and it’s tragic and compelling. The events of the story could stay the exact same and if the framing changed I would be fine with it. But this is not that. This is just a really romanticized teacher/student age gap. I’m not into it.

Part 2: Rarepairs, weird shit, and others (oh my!)

1. Yuki x Kakeru x Kimi: OT3. I’m enamored with the idea of this hot mess polycule.

2. Momiji x Kimi: Chaos meets chaos. This couple would say uwu without any irony and also steal your car keys. They’re both perceptive and smart hidden under a layer of cute and I’d wanna watch them play 4D chess with each other.

3. Kazuma x Kunimitsu: Idk how old Kunimitsu is so if he’s like 20, strike this one from the record. But I saw one post once that was like Kyo slowly realizing Kazuma and Kunimitsu were gay and had been dating for years and it was funny as hell.

4. AyaTori: It’s cute. Opposites attract, black and white hair, and Aya only listens to Hatori anyway. It’s just fun to think about.

5. Megumi x Hiro: They don’t interact in canon I just think Goth x Punk-Ass Bitch is a great concept.

6. Motoko x Nao: They’re both loud as hell and Nao having a gf that towers over him is funny. Maybe Yuki would finally get some peace.

7. Machi x Kimi: I don’t see them actually being compatible in canon but I think they could have a really homoerotic college friendship.

8. Hajime x Mutsuki: This is just YukiKyo, the non angst version.

9. Akito x Hanajima: I’m so wary of shipping Akito with anyone but this is kind of fun. The two are friends in canon and Hana isn’t remotely afraid of Akito. Plus Akito never abused Hana. I can sort of see it.

10. Hiroshi x Yusuke: Makes no sense, wouldn’t be relevant, but if those two just never spent any time apart and continued being a pair for life it would be a really good bit.

11. Akitohru: I don’t think it’s healthy to date anyone who’s previously stabbed you.

12. Kazuma x Hanajima: Stop. Go to jail. Hana’s one-sided crush is funny though.

[marveloussupernerd]

Halloween Charity Stream - Jumin Han

Alright I know this may not be everyone’s cup of tea (people were not horribly fond of my interview Jumin fic) but just trust me on this one. Let me take the wheel. Happy Halloween week! If you haven’t heard, I’ve randomly generating all the prompts for each character’s Halloween story this week

Prompts: Charity fundraiser, blindfolded “feely” challenge (idk what it’s called, I’ve seen it called “Mystery Box” before tho), TP Jumin’s house

Summary: Korea’s favorite married couple, the Hans are hosting a charity livestream this Halloween. You have a few tricks and treats and activities planned along the way to make up for Jumin’s lack of celebrating in the past.

Tonight was the night. A crew had been setting up lights and cameras and props in your living room all day for your charity livestream. You and Jumin had gotten a pretty good slot for the stream: 7 pm on Halloween on three national stations. You were also streaming on YouTube, of course. Today’s goal was to raise as much money for a Children’s Hospital as possible. The hospital had been looking for someone to host their event, and why not choose not only members of the RFA, one of the most sought-after party planning groups in the country, but also the country’s favorite couple.

This was actually you and Jumin’s second Halloween together, but first as a married couple. You were super excited! Jumin was not super into Halloween last year; you had to force him to dress up and even then he wouldn’t even carve a pumpkin! You had gone out of you way to prepare “tricks” and “treats” for him to get during the stream, hoping to push the spooky spirit into him.

You had on a burnt orange dress and Jumin had his usually suit on, but a tie with cartoony pumpkins on it. The outfits wouldn’t last for long; after the first milestone the two of you would change into Halloween costumes.

You were kind of nervous as you glanced at the clock, the seconds ticking down before the show started. Jumin, sitting next to you on the sofa, sensed your nerves and grabbed your hand. You had done interviews before and speeches at different events, but you had never run a show for a four-hour block. You were nervous. When they told you you were rolling, you didn’t even process it at first.

Luckily, Jumin spoke up, snapping you out of your gaze. “Hi everyone. And welcome to Halloween with the Hans. It’s me, Jumin Han, and my lovely wife with me tonight. We’re going to be accepting donations for the Korean Children’s Hospital.” He was such a natural. Such a show-off.

It was probably your turn to speak. “Now, for each milestone we hit in the next four hours, I’ve got a little surprise.” Jumin raised an eyebrow. “I’ve planned a trick or treat game on the side. You get to pull it out of the hat and see if you’ll get a trick or a treat.”

“To clarify,” Jumin told the camera. “I didn’t know about this.”

“Well it would be boring if there weren’t any surprises,” you teased him. “But the first milestone of the day will be a treat for the audience: Jumin and I will get dressed up in Halloween costumes, and those who donate get to vote for what we wear!”

“There are pretty out-there options. But if that’s what you all want we’ll do it for you,” Jumin chuckled. His eyes told a different story, pleading the audience to not pick what he was sure they would pick.

They picked it once the first milestone was hit. You cut to commercial and very quickly pulled your costume on, settling the headpiece so it sat in your hair just right. You grabbed Elizabeth the 3rd. She was sort of the star in this costume.

You and Jumin agreed to walk into the room at the same time to let the camera grab your reactions. When you saw him in a mullet, a baseball cap, and a tiger print shirt, you lost it, nearly dropping Elizabeth as you doubled over in laughter.

“Well you actually look okay! This isn’t fair. Did you put stripes on Elizabeth the 3rd?” He asked, extremely surprised to see the black (easily washable) marks on her white fur.

“She’s a tiger! And if you hadn’t guessed it yet, we are indeed dressed as Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin from the Tiger King show,” you explained to the camera, setting Elizabeth down before she got fussy.

“I hope you all enjoyed the wig but I cannot possibly keep it on. I will keep the hat though in good faith,” he apologized to the audience. You helped him fix his hair after he took the wig off, only for him to cover it up with the hat once again.

You squeezed Jumin in a sickeningly sweet hug. “Get your screen caps now people. He’ll never dress like this again.”

Eventually it was time for the first challenge. You held out a Jack-o-lantern trick or treating basket and made him pull out a piece of paper. “Trick.” He said, keeping his face expressionless.

“Oo! Fun. We’ll have to dive into the trick bucket then.” The trick bucket was a spoopy ghost bucket, much like the Jack o lantern.

“My Love, what in heaven’s name is a ‘feely game’?” He asked, trying to hold back his laughter but eventually failing.

“Oh!” You laughed too. “I didn’t really know what to call it. But no worries.” You grabbed three boxes that had been hidden under your coffee table. “I put some scary stuff in these boxes, and it’s your job to guess what they actually are.”

“Without looking, right?”

“Right. It’d be way too easy if you looked. I played this once at an elementary school Halloween party. Keep in mind, this is real food.” You pulled the first box closer to you. “First up: EYEBALLS!” You announced in the spookiest voice possible.

He simply shook his head, turning it so he couldn’t see into the box then feeling inside. It was just grapes. You had peeled grapes and hoped they felt like eyeballs. This was probably way harder for kids in retrospect. “Ew. I don’t like the way it feels.” He complained. He took his hand out of the box and wiped it on his jeans.

“Well? What are the eyeballs actually?”

“I don’t know. Olives?” He guessed.

“Close! Peeled grapes.” You opened the box to show him.

“What happens if I get it wrong?”

“Oh...” you hadn’t thought about that. “Nothing I guess. But everyone watching will make fun of you.”

“Oh boy. That’s the worst fate of all,” he confessed, a small smile on his face. He grabbed your hand and kissed your knuckles. He just couldn’t help himself. You were so cute.

“Next item!” You declared, pulling out of his grasp to grab the next box and keep the game going. “Guts!”

He seemed to get this one pretty quickly, only having to feel inside for a moment. “Those are noodles, right?”

“One point for Mr. Jumin Han! I knew you could do it. You might just redeem yourself yet. Last round,” you winked at him, grabbing the final box. “Hair.”

“Just... hair?” He questioned.

“Yes. Hair. Go ahead and feel it.”

He put his hand in and retracted it immediately, jumping in his seat closer to you, wiping his hand against your shirt. “That’s actually just hair. Did you just put your hair in there?”

“I didn’t realize you disliked hair so much, Honey,” you giggled, wrapping an arm around his waist to ‘protect him’. “You never seem to be bothered with Elizabeth the 3rds hair.”

“That is nothing like this. That is literally hair.”

“It’s not hair.”

“It is too hair.” He was pouting now.

You opened the box to show him and the camera. It was the ‘hair’ you took off he husk of the corn. “That is genuinely hair.”

“No! It’s part of corn!”

“They call it the hair of the corn. I think I’m right. Maybe we should ask the audience,” he glanced at the camera, “Please, let me be right over my wife just this one time.”

They, believe it or not, sympathized and sided with him.

Next prize was also a trick. He pulled out the next piece of paper. “T... P? As in toilet paper?”

“So, when you TP it’s basically you throwing toilet paper all over the exterior of the house. It’s like a Halloween prank,” you explained.

“How silly. Whose house are we TP-ing?” You saw the glint in his eyes. He just wanted to TP Zen’s house.

“We actually made a wheel to decide! Spin the wheel! Your options are our house, renowned photographer V’s house, Chief Assistant Jaehee Kang’s house, or famous actor Zen’s house,” you explained to the camera. You were pretty proud of the little wheel you made; it held up even with the strong spin Jumin made.

It landed on the little emoji of Jumin. “Guess we’re TP-ing our own house,” you chuckled. You went to go get a few rolls of toilet paper, and the camera crew helped you move outside.

“Have you done this before?” Jumin asked as the two of you walked outside. You shrugged. You’d never tell. “You little Minx, you.”

“So, if I remember correctly from the good old days when this was a thing,” you handed Jumin a roll so he could follow along, “you unroll a little, and then just yeet it at the house.” Your throw went sailing over the house, leaving a nice trail behind. Jumin’s roll hit the side of the house without unraveling, then bounced back.

“I think I did it wrong.” He commented blankly.

“Alright, let me help.” You stood behind him, covering his hand with your own to help him perfect his form. “For everyone watching, this is why you need a partner. So that they can teach you how to TP your own house,” you joked to the camera. Jumin was blushing bright red from the close contact on live television, but you were far too focused on the perfect throw to care. It was flawless. It sailed over the house.

“Wait, that was kind of fun. Let me try on my own now.” Jumin offered. You handed him another roll. Next you’d have to go to the side of the house to keep going with the previous rolls. His next throw was perfect we well.

He went over-the-top with his throwing. It was more like he was decorating your house in the end, aiming perfectly so that each roll could fall where he wanted it to. The house actually looked pretty cool. You’d clean it up tomorrow (A/N: y’all this is a Covid free story don’t be TPing houses in this economy)

The viewers really seemed to enjoy that segment. A few more tricks and treats (which were mainly just candy or a kiss) later and you were onto the last gift of the night. “Alright, before we close things up, we’re going to do the last trick or treat,” you announced. You grabbed the basket, with one piece of paper in it, and held it out to Jumin.

He didn’t bother looking away to grab it, opening it up. “Treat. What a good way to end the night.” He was glowing. It had been a good stream overall, you had raised three times the money you had expected to.

“And for your final treat of the night...” you opened the last slip of paper for him, showing it to him and the cameras. It just read “surprise” in big bold letters.

“Surprise? What’s that mean?” He asked, taking the paper from your hands to inspect it for any other potential markings. There were none.

“I’ve been saving this one. Kind of appropriate it was the last thing actually,” you grinned, pulling an envelope out from behind the pillow you were sitting by. You handed it to Jumin. “Open it up.” You couldn’t contain your smile.

He opened it very meticulously, ensuring not to rip the envelope. He pulled out the piece of paper on top. “A kitten is on the way?” He read, extremely confused. Your grin was unmistakable now.

“Wait! Is Elizabeth the 3rd pregnant!?” He seemed appalled. “This is not a treat.”

“No. I’m pretty sure she can’t get pregnant Jumin,” you giggled.

“Then what could that mean? A kitten...” he was hopelessly lost. His thinking face was so cute yoi almost didn’t want to help him out, but you were so excited.

“The audience chose well. Look at our costumes, Honey.” You explained, grabbing his hand in yours.

He looked down at your outfits. “Tiger King. Carole Baskin. Cool cats and kitt- you’re pregnant!?” He exclaimed, dropping the envelope.

“Our own little kitten is on the way,” you confirmed excitedly. He pulled you into a hug instantaneously. You could feel his chest shaking with laughter. You couldn’t wipe the stupid smile off your face. This was just perfect.

He may have been hugging you for a little too long. “Jumin, Love. We still are on the air,” you reminded him.

He pulled back, still with his arms around you too though. “You all heard it here first, with me huh? Thank you for coming out tonight and donating. You’re helping so many children in need. And hey, guess you never know when a child may come into your life.” He glanced at you, smiling. He also couldn’t get the stupid grin off his face.

“Good night all. Happy Halloween,” you bid the audience goodnight.

The first thing Jumin did after the program ended was pull you into a loving kiss.

[openheart12]

Hi, yes, hello beautiful! Can you write a fic where MC accidentally sends Ethan her entire fanfic folder by mistake 😂🤣

How To Get Away With Fanfiction

I’m reliving my embarrassment 😭 but it is done and idk wtf happened with this lmao. This is also to make up for earlier kmjhygfd

Only tagging @ao719 @oofchoices @loveellamae @burnsoslow because no one else should have to read this unless they click on the read more and if they do... god bless. And thank you to Maroe for helping me come up with some of these ideas!

It had been a long day at work when Dr. Gertrude-Sue Claws made her way home to do the one thing that relaxed her; writing fanfiction.

She had thought of the perfect idea for Spirit and Rainbow Dash and her fingers flew across the keyboard.

There was something about the multi colors in his mane and tail that drew him to her. He lived by the phrase, “hump ‘em and dump ‘em,” which he planned on doing with Rainbow Dash, but not without consent because horse jail wasn’t fun. He had heard the horror stories from his human friends, Kurns and Bryce.

“Rainbow Dash,” he neighed.

“Spirit…” She neighed back in response, she knew all about his...extracurricular activities. He was the biggest fuck horse out of the herd. Ever since Rain had died from drowning, god bless, he hadn’t been the same. It was also why he paid more attention to Rainbow Dash because she had Rain in the first part of her name.

“Let’s do this,” he smirked with his horse mouth.

“Fine…” She turned her back to him as he reared on his hind legs and mounted her, letting out a series of neighs.

She laughed silently to herself before moving on her Owen Hunt fic and she knew how much she was going to enjoy this one especially.

Owen was walking through the halls when he saw five women stalking towards him like cats, one even had whiskers drawn on her face. “Anitah with the h, get him!” He heard one of them command and watched as she came up to him, kicking him in no man's land. He felt them drag him into an empty exam room.

“MAROE! You got the chainsaw?”

“Nah bruh, Bears and Rams were in charge of that,” she explained.

Anything but Krista, cocked her half shaved eyebrow at Burns and Ella. “Y’all got the chainsaw?”

“No, but I have the cream for the burn I’m about to inflict,” Burns snickered to herself at her own joke, the others joining in before getting back to business.

“Burns, Ella, go scope out the cafeteria for some good food because I can’t kill in good faith on an empty stomach and as me and Ella say, we always get food first,” Anything but Krista said, turning her attention to the two people left, throwing them both a knife. Then proceeded to stab Owen numerous times, but making sure not to hit any major organs yet.

“We need a blender,” Anitah with the h announced.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Anything but Krista and MAROE said at the same time, looking at each other and bursting into laughter at the jinx.

“If that was making a human smoothie, then yes. We’ll show him that no one messes with Derek Christopher Shepherd,” Anitah with the h said smugly, pulling a blender out from behind her back and plugging it into the wall.

“You...you pulled that out of your jacket?” MAROE asked in a surprising tone.

“Y’all don’t keep blenders in yours?” Anitah with the h asked as if that wasn’t common, but it was good to know that she was always prepared.

Suddenly, the walkie talkie came to life, “Team Bears/Rams to Team CA, what y’all want from here? Over and out.”

“Team CA to Team Bears/Rams, we want CookOut. Over and out.” Anything but Krista responded. “It’s about time y’all tried a little piece of heaven,” she looked at Anitah with the h and MAROE.

“That’s a negative ghost rider, the closest CookOut is on the other side of the country. Over and out.”

“Well you better get on your way because you two also need to try a little piece of heaven, we’ll save the good stuff for when you get back. Over and out.” The trio resumed their slice and dice game, taking a short break to play Choices because the latest chapter of The Nanny Affair had just been released and even Owen wasn’t going to keep them away from Sam Dalton.

A couple hours later, Burns and Ella arrived with the food, handing out their respective trays to their respective orderers, they were able to keep the milkshakes from melting by their cold hearts.

“Ahhh gimme my milkshake,” Anything but Krista snatched it from Burns’ hand, earning a slap on her hand from her adoptive mother and a threat of taking away her pony...again.

“Yooo this shake hits different,” Ella exclaimed.

“You could even say that it slaps,” MAROE added making her squeak.

“It’s the one good thing North Carolina has to offer for me,” Anything but Krista chimed in, fist bumping Anitah with the h because the struggle was real. The cows really did outnumber the people, they just hoped that there wouldn’t be a cow revolution because that would be awful except the yeehaw folk would probably survive since they did have a song called “A Country Boy Can Survive.” 

“Burns, we left you the honor of picking the perfect weather for us to dispose of the body which is more like liquid at this point. We need rain, thunder, and lightning to erase all of the evidence. Watching “Forensic Files” has finally come in handy. And Ella, we need you to pretend to be a nurse or something to help us get out of here. I’ll be honest, I haven’t thought that far ahead…” Anything but Krista admitted, but they expected that from her so they already had a plan in place.

“If anyone happens to see Derek Shepherd, I ask that you tell me,” MAROE added.

“Not if I find him first,” Anything but Krista said.

“He’s like fifty four years old…” Burns said being ever the good adoptive mother.

“Then I call Spencer Reid!” Anything but Krista exclaimed.

“I have Lucifer then,” MAROE challenged knowing that would get under her skin. 

“Children, calm yourselves.” Burns shook her head.

“Hey, I’ll be eighteen in like a number amount of months,” Anything but Krista said.

“I’ll be eighteen before you,” MAROE said, sticking out her tongue.

“I’Ll Be EiGhTeEn BeFoRe YoU,” she repeated, placing her hands on her hips and doing that Spongebob meme. After thinking of a better comeback, she grabbed her knife she used on Owen earlier and plunged it into MAROE’s back.

“Et tu, Brute?” MAROE said with shock in her voice before her body crumpled on the ground.

“Yes, bye bitch.”

The other three just stared as the blood drained from her body before turning their attention to Anything but Krista. They were the epitome of 👁👄👁.

“What? She wanted to “due” anyway. And at her funeral we can play “To Be So Lonely” because well she will be lol.”

“Anywaysss, we gonna get food or what?” Ella asked as she covered Owen’s body with a sheet.

“Wings?” Burns suggested and they all agreed. After arriving at the restaurant, they were very shocked to see MAROE sitting at a table waiting for them.

“It’s the trying to kill me for me,” she said upon taking their seats, glaring at Anything But Krista specifically.

“It’s the stealing my fictional husbands for me,” she retaliated.

“It’s the acting like children for me,” Burns' authoritative voice came.

“Sorry,” they both murmured as they looked over the menus to order their food. The rest of their lunch going smoothly, their victims already forgotten about. Don’t mess with hangry chicks who hate Owent Cunt.

“So who’s next?” Anitah with the h asked.

“Ahh you’ve gotten the first taste of blood and now you’re addicted,” Burns observed. She would make for a good profiler for the FBI at Quantico. She would have a cool nickname; Cunt Punter.

“Why not just kill everyone we hate?” Ella questioned.

“That’s a great idea! I say we kill Guy and Vanessa,” Anything but Krista suggested.

“And Landrat!” MAROE added, the whole group agreeing, finishing their lunch before getting to their killing spree.

Gertrude-Sue was laughing at her made up characters and story when she received an email from Ethonk Remy to send him a folder that she had. Goggle Drive was acting stupid so she didn’t realize that she had shared her fanfiction folder with her boss before it was too late. She saw a little giraffe pop up in the right hand corner telling her that he was already viewing what was inside the folder.

“Holy donkey claws,” she cried out loud, smacking her hands against her face.

Meanwhile, Ethonk was going through her folder when he came across a document and his eyes went wide. “What are they doing with the dog?” He said to himself.

Wonder pets, wonder pets

We're on our way

To help a friend and save the day

We're not too big

And we're not too tough

But when we work together, we've got the right stuff

Gooo wonder pets yaaaaay!

The phone

The phone is ringing

The phone

We'll be right there

The phone

The phone is ringing

There's an animal in trouble

There's an animal in trouble

There's an animal in trouble somewhere

“What the hell are Wonder Pets?” He continued inspecting the different documents ranging from murder of one Owen Cunt, horses having sexual intercourse, Wonder Pets stuff, four kids and a dog where they did questionable things with each other, a sponge and a starfish were high on marijuana, a game where Gertrude-Sue had made him and her a family that looked way too realistic for his liking, two bunnies who kept hopping around with one of their little brothers, and multiple documents about Matthew Gray Gubler, Tom Holland, Tom Ellis, Patrick Dempsey, and Harry Styles which were all quite disturbing.

He took out his phone to call her. “Hey uh, Gert, what is this?”

“Oh well you see, the funny thing is that I accidentally sent you the wrong folder so if you could just pretend like this never happened, that would be fantastic. Okay thanks bye. I’m sending you the right one this time.” And she hung up, ready to throw herself off a cliff at her stupidity.

One thing was for sure, she would never make this mistake again.

[occasionallyish--archive]

oh my god... OH MY GOD. DO I HAVE THE STORY FOR YOU it’s the dream i just had... i just woke up from.... i needa write it all down before i forget. this is some messed up stuff. tw for blood, violence, fire, mentions of illness, mentions of... ion know. psychosis?, really graphic scenes, ed sheeran, some kinda existential- but highkey funny- shit at the end

ion think imma be able to go back to sleep lmao

so it starts off and i’m with a friend a knew back when i went to school. we’ll call her j. this part is kind of fuzzy for me, but we’re walking together on this long, winding sidewalk, and she’s chattering away about some party or something that we’re headed to. at some point, we meet up with some other people and we’re all walking together now, talking all close-knit and whatevs. at some point, j has me pulled to her side, and i think her tone’s gotten all sort of flirty as she talks me up to these people i vaguely know. then she pulls me close and presses this big, long kiss on my cheek, that has me confused and maybe kinda uncomfortable lol. sorry to shoot you down, hon, but i kind of had to push her away from me. then we both got kind of uncomfortable, and she even mentioned something about how i flat-out rejected her, i apologize, and then we both kind of laugh it off.

then suddenly, it’s like i’m being cut from one scene to another. it’s nighttime now. suddenly, i’m climbing out of a car to find we’re in, like... some sort of grassy field, right outside what looked like a fenced-off baseball field. there are people scattered about, laying on blankets and talking and stuff. i climb up on a sort of like... hill. but it’s barely defined enough to be considered a hill. but i get on there and i see j with our group and a couple other kids i knew from her time. and i’m like, “c- can. can i. may i. can i join y’alls group if you’ll let me” all nervous and stuff for some reason and then they say yes and i go to lay down near them but then we do another one of those movie scene cut things

next thing i see, i’m in one of two cars, parked in my driveway at home. i’m alone in one car while my family is all together in the other. then the passenger door in my car gets pulled open and my mom poked her head in, shining a flashlight around. i look over to note my father’s doing the same in the other car- and at this point, i guess i figure that i ended up falling asleep at the outing and my people had to come pick me up or something. but then i also get this magical feeling, and i just know that somebody ended up stealing my parents’ credit card or smth.

i don’t really know what happens between then and this next thing, but next thing i know, my father and i are walking together, crossing the street, approaching the first house we see with an open garage and lights on. we kind of step inside the garage and suddenly this rc car turns on and starts driving toward the gutter. and i’m like ‘ope, better grab that, then i can give it to the kid who’s no doubt on the other end” just as i grab the car, i turn around to find that the kid had in fact come out! he looked about my age, and he had short red hair, and his eyes were blown wide and his expression one of... shock maybe? or perhaps terror with what i learn next lol. he’s completely silent as i try to hand the car to him, explaining that “hey we’re a neighbor from down the street, we’re looking for some other neighbor(i guess at one point j was established as a neighbor i don’t know the exact address of?) called j, who may have stolen something from us idk.”

the kid kind of rushes inside without saying anything, and then out comes this ed sheeran looking fellow. he’s so short at first i swear i didn’t even realize he was different from the kid LMAO- anyway tho. he’s holding a beer and i give him the car, and then i’m sort of pacing around as i explain to him what’s up ‘cause that’s what i do. he’s kind of got this blank pleasant smile on his face, all the while, but i don’t really pay mind to it yknow? in a bit, i’m in the driveway, again near the gutter. my father’s on the far end of the driveway, maybe around the middle, standing near where the lawn begins. ed sheeran is standing right outside of the garage. i’ve just explained that we’re neighbors looking for a particular neighbor, and now it’s my father’s turn to offer his two cents. then i look up and suddenly i can clearly tell that ed sheeran’s been STABBED. his white shirt clings to his body, stained all sorts of red and brown. there’s almost a clear point of puncture right through his body. i’ve never had a dream in which i could smell but i’m sure if i could i’d practically smell the rot.

i look at him kind of wary, and then my father finishes whatever he says, and quietly i go, “..sir? you okay?” and i don’t really remember his answer, but i’m 80% sure it’s some stupidly simple, good ol’ pleasant thing. but then he’s running at me and he suddenly has a KNIFE. A KNIFE???? oh but, father to the rescue! he comes barreling over to protect me then suddenly the two are on the ground, in the street, fighting it out. kind of like an action movie, except it’s probably like the middle of the night and they’re a bit a ways from the light of the garage so i can only vaguely see them. now, i’m screaming. i’m yelling, “HELP” and “FIRE”(am i a psychic?) and lights are turning on in houses and i can already somehow hear people muttering in their phones for 911. but i’m desperate, just kind of standing there, watching the scene roll out “CALL POLICE” “CALL AN AMBULANCE” “CALL 911“ “HELP” like woah call the whole embassy why don’t you-

then suddenly, i’ve got this feeling. and let me tell you, it is not a good one. and now, randomly, a whole bunch of lights in the neighborhood turn blindingly bright and then explode. it goes from house to house, just exploding all the lights, as i think you’d see in a movie oh, but we’re not over yet. i get another terrible terrible feeling, and then i look toward the house we’re standing in front of. i don’t see it, at first, but i just know that there’s a fire in that house. and then, what do you know, a fire truck comes barreling our way. at this point i guess the altercation’s ended, because i’m pretty sure that’s my father’s silhouette in front of me, i think gearing to catch that kid up there- oh, what kid? yknow. i guess while i wasn’t paying attention when the fire started growing, but now it’s visible through the window. and now a kid has climbed onto the roof in front of that window, like we’re taught to in school. i guess my father’s rearing to catch him, but then the kid jumps and my father just sidesteps away, letting him plummet onto the concrete and ultimately his death. jfc dude

i don’t really know what happens between then and now, but next thing i know myself and my father are running down the road, back toward our house. i think i’m crying. but then he scoops me into his arms and comfortingly whispers, “don’t worry. it’s just an au. it’s just an au. that means it isn’t canon”

and then i woke up and bolted upright, and felt this short, strong sense of peace before deciding that “OH MY GOD THAT WAS A POWERFUL DREAM I NEEDA WRITE ABOUT IT IDUHFDJ” and like,, christ man. sometimes i have nightmares where they try to scare me, and it doesn’t really work... but it’s been a long time since i had a nightmare that really shook me like that. like fuck. i’m kind scared to go back to sleep lmao

[saltpepperbeard]

A Jotato’s THG Story (novel?)

So a few days ago, the lovely @everlarkedalways asked me to Weave My THG Tale™. And, in being VERY on brand in regards for my THG Story, I’m late to the party lol! Mostly because of work, partly because I was avoiding Ballad spoilers, and a tad bit because...I’m a potato. BUT, now that I am free of any large projects and finally have Ballad in my hands, I’m finally able to look past my potato roots and talk about how a certain wATER POTATO ARCHER CHANGED MY LIFE lmao.

Ara has jokes though, let me tell you. “Keep it short” l m a o; THIS IS ABOUT TO BE A NOVEL AND WE KNOW IT. ARE YOU READING BALLAD? HERE’S A NEW 500 PAGE BOOK FOR YOU TBH-

I’ve told this story a few times before, but it’s always delightful to look back on things and see all the twists and turns I’ve experienced with this franchise. The most notable being, I started out HATING Hunger Games lol!

I was in ninth grade when THG started to become like, a global phenomenon. Everyone was reading it, everyone was talking about it, and it was everywhere. And for whatever reason, instead of actually sitting down and, idk, GIVING IT A TRY LMAO, my reaction instead was to DESPISE IT. Guess it was that edgy, irate, “I’m ABOVE the general masses ha look at me,” fresh-out-of-middle-school mentality. And also, my justification for hating it so much was along the lines of, “Wow it’s just a series about kids killing each other? WHAT’S THE APPEAL???”

Which like fjlksjdksds...If I could look back on my early 2012 self?

She had no idea what was in store for her lmao.

Anyway, the premiere of the movie came and went, and I was still hard set in my ways. THAT WAS, until that same summer. I can’t exactly remember which clips I stumbled upon first? But I know I came across the Joshifer+Liz Banks interview, and also a ton of Perfectly Legal Movie Clips™ on YouTube. Both of which silently chained my soul without me realizing LMAO. I remember thinking that the main actors were so cute and played off each other well (AGAIN LMAO, GIRL, BIG STORM COMING), and also remember being totally intrigued by all the clips I watched. It was mainly clips of Katniss in the arena, and I think it made me realize that wow hey, there’s an ACTUAL STORY HERE, WITH A FEMALE PROTAGONIST NO LESS.

The story gets a tad fuzzy for me here, but I do believe I got the books and quickly read through them shortly after I essentially watched the entire movie on YouTube through clips jdksljdks. I can’t really recall what I thought about the books really? Because, I think I BREEZED through them. I was so excited that I just ZOOMED TF THROUGH. I inhaled the series in one GIANT GULP. I think I even read THG in a single day jdlsjklaads. It definitely wasn’t a cautious read through to get a better sense of the detail and literary devices. 

BUT, despite my excitement, I still hadn’t reached the God Tier “OBSESSIVE” stage yet. The light bulb hadn’t fully come on yet. It wasn’t until late 2013 when Catching Fire came out that I REALLY STARTED TO GO BALLISTIC LMAO. Actually, one of my fondest THG memories comes from this time, because I think it was really like, the OFFICIAL starting block for my obsession.

I was riding on a bus to a Theatre Competition, and my best friend had just gotten the CF Soundtrack for us to listen to. I remember being absolutely enamored with it- Mirrors, We Remain, and Lean in particular. And idk, something at that point just kind of told me that Catching Fire was going to be my anchor. Sure enough, after the competition was over, said friend and I went to go see the movie together.

And I astral projected lmao. I ACHIEVED HUNGER GAMES ENLIGHTENMENT. THE LIGHT BULB SWITCHED TF ON.

I was quick to see it again the following day, and I think saw it another two times in theaters after that. I also started drawing fanart of it, and looking for more pictures/interviews. And the want for more content, the DESIRE to go crazy about it, is what eventually lead me to finding the fandom here on Tumblr. I had had a Tumblr since 2012, but never really used it with a purpose. But when I realized there were people posting all sorts of stuff about THG? Boom- another light bulb. I followed tons of people, and officially changed my url to what it is today. “Star’s” for my internet alias at the time, and “Mahogany” for my love of Effie/that Iconic Line.

HOWEVER LOL, Tumblr would lead me towards a different side, something I didn’t expect to get pulled into so hard at all. Because, I distinctly remember coming on one night in December of 2013, and seeing @joshmopolitan and a few others posting about Josh going to the UK game. And that of course, lead me down the Celebrity Rabbit Hole, and lead me towards the Chaotic, Wonderful, Crazy-

JOSHIFER FANDOM.

((Also, before you crinkle your nose, *raises cane* BACK IN MY DAY, EVERYONE SHIPPED JOSHIFER LOL. *Snow voice* DON’T LIE. Like, everyone thought they were cute to some sort of degree, or believed they were going to get together. Shoutout to the Joshifer Golden Days, man.))

And thank goodness for it tbh. Because it was JUST when I was itching to write fanfiction with everyone else, and just when I was struggling HARDCORE with writing Everlark. @joshmopolitan and @youarebeingridiculous were sort of my introductions into RPF, with @youarebeingridiculous giving me nudges towards my first Everlark fic, before also nudging me towards my first Joshifer fic. And when my first Joshifer fic garnered attention/when I had a blast writing it? ANOTHER. LIGHT. BULB LOL.

So I was dead af from that point on. I was absolutely drawn in. Even though I was still invested in THG, Joshifer was definitely my main focus from 2014-2016ish. I was there for the typical ship wars, there to read and write all the fanfiction, there to read all the theories, and there to partake in all the crazy moments. Shoutout to Cannes 2014 in particular lmao; I was in the car and my phone started going off like CRAZY, with many of my friends SCREAMING at me about the events/articles that had transpired.

Being attached to Joshifer also allowed me to write my first, and so far only, full length, These Words are a Lie. It started out as just a four part series, two parts of which I actually published. Befffooorrre getting to the third part and realizing I had WAY too much to deal with/explain/write, which consequently lead to me pulling them down and expanding upon them! And thus my messy, lovely, 25 chapter peanut journey started lmao. Though I look back on it now and realize how disjointed it was, I’m so thankful I was able to see that story completely through. I’m also very thankful for the SUPPORT and following it got. Wouldn’t have gotten through without y’all! 

ANYWAY LMAO, because this is my THG story and not my Joshifer story, let’s get back to that. 2014 was WHACK because...LG was utterly tripping with its promotional material. And to think, it was just the START of odd/lacking promo, seeing as they were SOMEHOW WORSE WITH MJ2 LMAO. But even though I was incredibly salty at the time, it was so fun to be mad and chomping at the bit with everyone else lol. The SUFFERING OF NOT HAVING ANY NEW CONTENT BROUGHT US CLOSER TOGETHER. Also, going to Best Buy to watch the teaser trailer under Heavy Guard??? Was an EXPERIENCE LOL??? But man was I so stoked to get my poster and pin, because that was some of the first merch I got!

ALSO, MJ1 was the time where I got the idea to create a small YouTube series called “Tributes React.” I really really wish I could have been in the fandom earlier, because it would have been, dare I say, FIRE LOL to react to more than just the MJ1 and MJ2 trailers. But it was so so fun regardless, and everyone’s participation was incredible! And now all of our early, embarrassing, INTENSE fangirling is stuck here/memorialized forever PFFFF.

And, not to mention, Fran Solo himself watched one of them. Someone tweeted the video at him, and he tweeted back that it made all the hard times worth it. MY GREATEST FANDOM ACCOMPLISHMENT RIGHT THERE???

And finally getting to watch MJ1 in theaters lmao omg. I went with my friend before, and also one of my guy friends. And the entire time, he was HARD STARING AT ME WAITING FOR ME TO CRY LOL. SO HE COULD TEASE ME. AND HE GOT HIS WISH BECAUSE OF COURSE THE LAST 30 MINUTES OR SO UTTERLY RUINED ME. I remember shivering so so SO bad when the rescue mission for Peeta started, and having to hold my friends’ hands when they were creeping through the Tribute Center, and utterly SOBBING when Peeta attacked Katniss. Because...hello...I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...WAY WAY MORE INTENSE THAN THE BOOK LMAO??

And then came the beginning of the end. I remember that promo time was even DRYER for MJ2 lmao, and that we were all DYING. Like, I think the big trailer didn’t release until like, SEPTEMBER??? WHICH...LG WHAT THE ACTUAL-

And we were also back to watching trailers in Best Buys jfkssdkdlsk. My Best Buy was also DUMB and didn’t have any posters, but @infinitegraces​ was awesome enough to send me numerous copies! Bless you, thank you; I had them on my wall all through college lol! DESPITE THEM BEING A HAUNTING REMINDER OF HOW HARD LG SMACKED US LMAO.

Despite my salt towards the INITIAL promo though, the premieres and what not definitely lead to MJ2 having a special place in my heart. I had just gone off to college, and was a timid, lonely little freshman with nowhere to turn. But the fandom was there for me, and MJ2 promos/premieres gave me something to be excited for. It all kept me going through that ROUGH first semester, and was there for me before I met my best friends. So thank you MJ2, and thank you all for sharing that excitement with me! <3

Also, I’d like to mention that I was SO desperate to continue the tradition of seeing the premiere with my friend thaaaaatttt...I left for Thanksgiving break two or three days early/skipped class JUST to make it back home in time to see it with her lol! I WASN’T HERE TO PLAY GAMES, Y’ALL. THG > ACADEMICS APPARENTLY PFFFF.

After that though, things kind of quieted down. I found friends and activities in college, the movies were done, and Joshifer was dying out. It lead me to use Tumblr sporadically, not posting AS much as I had before. I still had tons of love for everything, and still enjoyed coming on whenever I did!

Then I sort of stumbled upon our “renaissance,” like the lovely @everlarkedalways​ posting re-reads and re-watches. It tugged me in again, and made me excited to post content! I also branched out and began to write Everlark, and began talking about them/the books/meta more than I did in my earlier years. 

And of course, said renaissance lead me to attending TOASTCON LMAO. Which I somehow managed to name. On accident. *Dabs unironically*

That of course, was such an amazing experience. Going to movie filming sites has always been on my bucket list, so getting to go to HUNGER GAMES SITES??? WITH FANDOM PEOPLE???? GOD TIER??????

I was also suffering from major panic/anxiety problems that summer, having just graduated college and being thrown out in the Real World™. So once again, THG and its fandom were there for me when nothing else could be. And despite me feeling off mentally, despite me feeling plagued by fatigue, I still thoroughly enjoyed meeting everyone/having such a once in a lifetime experience. Also, getting to FLEX on my friends when we watch the movies and go like “I WAS THERE! I WAS THERE!! I WAS THERE!!!” is...A Time PFFFF.

Then of course, I started working a full time job, and shifted a bit away from Tumblr/the fandom. Not DELIBERATELY; more like, I was too Mentally Tired to really do much after work. But now that Ballad is here, and now that we have new content once more? I feel like I’m waking back up. Hell, I even went to Atlanta to see MORE film sites right before the virus started to make its rounds.

And so here I am lol! A SEASONED THG VET WITH SEVEN YEARS AND COUNTING UNDER MY BELT. I would very much love to tag everyone who had an impact on me, and/or who I’ve interacted with and shared fun times with over the years. But A. Everyone really out here CONSTANTLY CHANGING THEIR URL’s, and B. The number would be Too Great and I would inevitably forget someone on accident.

SO THEN, if you’re reading this, and we’ve ever shared some kind of THG experience together, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. THG has been such a wondrous experience for me, and it’s lead me to meet all sorts of amazing, talented individuals. It’s also been there for me during darker times, and has supported me in every way possible.

I love you all, I love being here, and HERE’S TO MANY MORE TAGS/RAMBLES IN THE FUTURE LOL! Like lmao, a new movie, you guys??? WHAT??? TRIBUTES REACT ANYONE???

-Jotato Out <3

[saoirsetm]

hey y’all ! i’m kat and we’re FINALLY opening ?!? i’m so hyped, you don’t even know. i’m a double leo Trying to survive video lectures in a noisy house who loves dark chocolate and 80% of the kpop releases so far this year ( stream feel good by fromis_9, it’s such a cute bop ! ) i’m also a cat mom to my almost fourteen year old babies who are still like energetic kittens, so ask for pics and you shall receive DSLKGJ but without further ado, here’s my girl who’s gonna prove that hindsight is INDEED 20/20, so this is gonna be fun:

✧ ˖ * ° ><> ╱  abigail cowen,  cis female,  she/her  —  look  who’s  fresh  from  the  ferry,  aren’t  you  SAOIRSE LEARY  ?  your  eroda  brochure  says  you’re  TWENTY-THREE  and  that  you’re  currently  residing  in  MARMOTON  .  your  favourite  tourist  attraction  to  hang  around  is  ERODIAN BEACH  ,  and  the  locals  around  these  ports  would  describe  you  as  INQUISITIVE  &  INTREPID,  STUBBORN  &  IMPULSIVE  .  your  resting  fish  face  really  gives  off  LONG HAIR BLOWN BACK BY THE OCEAN BREEZE, LATE NIGHTS SPENT PLOTTING THE NEXT GREAT VOYAGE, RED LIPSTICK IMPRINTED ON A MUG OF TEA  ,  and  i’m  a  big  fan  of  the  VINTAGE CELTIC KNOT NECKLACE  you  seem  to  always  be  attached  to.  well,  if  you  see  the  minister  this  morning;  make  sure  you  head  on  home  as  quick  as  possible,  you  never  know  what  bad  luck  he  could  bring.  ╱  ooc;  kat,  23,  she/her,  ast.

tw: needles ( tattoo mention ), cancer mention, death mention

miss saoirse...... oof

GDFLSJL where do i begin with her honestly ??

full name is saoirse eve leary, affectionately called cece by her family since she was young and runs with it as her nickname !

born and raised in cork, ireland with two siblings, a working class father and Slightly upper middle class mother

her childhood wasn’t like, Majorly eventful; she was considered a bit of a tomboy which isn’t a surprise bc she’s always been a bit of a spirited, adventurous girl, has the odd nomadic moment strike her and loves to travel

had a SUPER close relationship with her maternal grandmother before she passed a few years back, still has a close one with her grandfather and paternal grandmother as they’re still living

is a big family girl overall, so much so that she’s eagerly awaiting the day she gets to be the cool aunt

had a decent cluster of pals over the years that’s likely dwindled due to everyone going their separate ways after high school

saoirse Did go to uni between her travels — and graduated — and has aspirations of becoming an anthropologist to explore other cultures and meet new people/understand them

which.. obviously ain’t happening now LFSGJGF rip

came to eroda partially bc it seems like such a pretty and quaint place, partially to explore its “ myth ” that you can never leave; her naturally curious ass questions the whole thing, at least in the sense that there’s no way to challenge your supposed fate on the island and won’t deny entertaining some conspiracy theories around the mystery

she still doesn’t understand that.. yeah, she Literally is stuck here for the rest of her life now, probably because she hasn’t made a Real attempt to put that to the test, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it FDSLKJDS

anyways she came here solo ( more than likely ) and has enjoyed her time getting to know the locals and other visitors, taking in the scenery, etc

probably took up a part-time job at sally’s tavern to cover her expenses since she lives in marmoton and it ought to be close enough for her to get to gfjlsdg

personality and everything else

a sociable, ( relatively ) fearless ginger with an eclectic taste in music and a profound appreciation for pastries.. 

despite being all about cleaner eating habits and lowering her sugar intake, she takes a cheat day or week wherever she can LSDGFJK

parties, game nights, etc, you name it ?? she’s there !

kinda competitive while we’re bringing up games and such, but she’s not about the whole sore winner/loser thing — rather she’ll groan and sulk a little before moving on

like i said before, loves to travel, loves pretty places in general so prepare yourself for an abundance of pictures on her insta feed of where she’s been or where she wants to go

loyal as hell, but she has her limit if you misuse the trust that comes with it

she’s just v wholesome and has a mix of small town city/endlessly curious energy with a sprinkle of being the life of the party……. kinda

however, she’s the most ?? hard to place person all the same

that feeling of freedom that comes with her exploring and all makes her a little hard to tie down; she doesn’t plan on staying in eroda ( which is unfortunate for her considering.... fglsdk ) as she has more to accomplish and see

very much does her own thing and doesn’t wanna hear any criticism for it

as if she’s that out of line DLJGDSLK but still

always wants to try new things, no matter how dumb they might be; except for anything that’s a Legitimate death sentence or is.. a GENUINELY dumb idea, she has enough common sense to know what Not to do KSGFDJDS

has little tattoos on her wrist and behind her left ear for her Favourite trips/symbols/whatever and her family, will let y’all know what they’d be whenever i figure them out since i’m so damn picky with these things

a Big supporter for buying/investing locally, has little trinkets and such to prove it

in fact, she has a collection of thrifted or vintage clothes from her travels and back home, and a chest full of cute jewelry she switches between daily

one piece she wears all the time — only parts with it when she sleeps — is the celtic knot pendant mentioned in her app that’s become something of an heirloom on her mom’s side of the family !

she has the cutest irish lilt in my mind, kinda the same as miss ronan’s and aisling bea’s

really loves her freckles, partially bc i love her freckles and my own :(

tea > coffee, but she loves coffee-flavoured things; bring her a peppermint or camomile tea as her shift winds down or.. idk, just because, and she’ll be forever indebted to you fldjgs

loves to hang out by the water in her free time — she loves the scent and sounds that comes with it, it’s one of the few places where she can put her mind to rest for a bit

the sound of rain hitting a rooftop is her perfect sleep soundtrack

kinda wants to adopt a pet, but doesn’t wanna leave them if she goes on an excursion where they can’t come with her :(

baths with epsom salts, candles that smell like lavender or something just as pleasant and calming, etc during a night in soothes the hell out of her soul

top three products she has in her bag at all times, besides personal info and her phone ? lip balm, a powder spf and mints FGLGKSD

btw.. miss ginger hair and freckles will probably gasp at anyone going out with no spf on them and scold tf out of them bc ‘ hello, melanoma ?? sunburn ?!? ’

wanted connections

childhood pal(s) she’s bumped into: reunited by chance, cece’s glad she has a couple of people she knows to keep her grounded when her mind runs wild at what Might happen when she decides to try her hand at leaving

cousin(s), other relatives: idk, figured it’d be fun for her to have a family member or two running around and not realizing the other relative is the Only one they’ll see in person from here on out

best pal(s) in eroda: someone she’s taken to since arriving, likely spending their free-time eating pastries on the beach, talking shit over tea, little market dates, going to the rainzone half-drunk and trying to rope each other into new things

opposites attract.. of sorts sfdlgkj: basically just a traveler meeting a local who’s never been off eroda, telling all about their ( quite limited ) excursions and bonding in other areas over time !

hook-ups, fwbs.... ENEMIES with benefits?? idk, point is the girl’s probably gotten laid since arriving, it’s all a matter of the situation that fits your muse(s) best FHGSDKJ

roommate: she lives in marmoton, likely in a rental of sorts, and i can’t see her living alone given the situation on the island ( though i’ve viewed her as the type to live alone in a space for one and a half people any other time tbh ). so she has just One and they make the arrangement work ! depending on their personalities and such, we’ll figure out how well they get along Exactly, if at all

ex ??: the girl’s bi so y’all can toss anyone at her for this one as well ! question marks bc i was thinking it’d be an on-and-off thing but maybe not come the time i post this intro LSGKD. basically they were seeing each other for a few months, she fell hard Quick/they moved kinda fast bc they were vibing and they would distance themselves upon realizing this — though i see cece giving them distance bc she knows they need it rather than needing it herself. if it IS on-and-off, they’re definitely off rn and treading lightly ( though she finds it hard to stray and hates things not being fully resolved no matter what happens ?? ), so all it’s a bit angsty regardless of how it goes dfgkljsdg

fellow mystery fiend: someone please fuel her curiosity to the max and try to crack the impossible case of eroda’s captive capabilities with her.. and proceed to watch true crime shows with her when that clearly goes to shit SDFKLJ

older sibling or mentor dynamic: someone to look out for her/teach her some things to help fully support herself/give her advice when she probably needs it most.. idk, i just like the idea of someone becoming a stand-in relative type of friend to her 

just give her someone to confide in, to swim at night with, stargaze and all that cute shit, be it platonically or otherwise !

she’s not gonna click with everyone and that’s fine, BUT maybe they run in the same social circles and cece thinks they seem nice enough, but they never really talk amongst themselves ?? just a case of awkwardly starting from scratch and seeing where it takes us !

[aliferous-ly]

The Setting Sun

yall. Yall. i wrote a fic im so proud of myself. This is Possibly a series, if y’all want it !! otherwise standalone /peace sign/ also, if you like a certain pairing then mention it bcos idk which pairing yet, if any, so :3c

Summary: “He... Logan wasn’t angry, at the events. He just came to a realization, like dust, sitting heavy in his lungs. If he coughed his entire life would go black and gray, and he wouldn’t be able to stop.”

AKA Logan realizes he’s not the best person to be Thomas’s Logic. So he makes a new one. 

Words: 3196

Genre: angst, some fluff. Logangst, of course

Warnings: implied character death for a moment (I promise, he does not die). deprecation, not showing all the sides in the most flattering light (like humans), disappearance.. if there’s anything else, please let me know!

writing tag: @sassy-in-glasses​, @rose-gold-roman​, @justanotherpurplebutterfly​, @echomist13​

Logan came to the realization like Roman might describe love: slowly, and then all at once.

He was increasingly perceptive of the other sides’ actions, though he wasn’t sure if this was a side effect of being Logic or if it were more... paying astute attention to their every move.

But he started noticing the little things, like when Virgil mentioned how certain long silences made him nervous and attentive to every single move.

And the word games of sarcasm that sometimes, used to, fly over his head.

But he’d gotten better.

And he’d gotten so much worse for it.

He noticed Roman’s roll of the eyes when Logan turned away, or sometimes in full view, turning to look at Thomas, get a load of this guy. He noticed the disdainful flick of his fingers, the push of his shoulders, the sneer on his lips that might disappear in moments time.

Of course he saw Patton’s strained smile, his frown at Logan’s exposition, just hold back a bit next time, bud, we don’t want any wounded feelings around here! The concerned jolt of his gaze, flipping between Virgil and Roman and Logan, uncertainty, forced delight, the simmer of it’ll all be okay, let’s just take a step back and talk about it! even though Logan knew “it” would always be feelings and not the actual issue at hand.

And Virgil’s candid nature hid such secrecy that Logan couldn’t miss the darkened expression, the gentle lean away, how Virgil would talk about how Logan disrespected him, or used to, and in the next heartbeat force Logan to shift for his means. The listen, dude, you might want to lay off a bit. Of course, Logan could do that, of course.

He couldn’t miss, then, Thomas wincing, the muscles in his face contracting into something (something) and he’d make eye contact with Roman or Virgil and they’d have that look. He couldn’t miss Thomas’s awkward stance, the way he’d shift when Logan stepped up to speak, the defense alighting in everyone’s eyes the moment Logan opened his mouth.

He... Logan wasn’t angry, at the events. He just came to a realization, like dust, sitting heavy in his lungs. If he coughed his entire life would go black and gray, and he wouldn’t be able to stop.

He couldn’t cough. He couldn’t mess up.

Logan massaged the center of his chest, staring into a shard of broken glass glittering rainbow in the light of the mindscape. Every side had one; they’re own personal escape into Thomas’s core, the centerpiece of his existence.

Too long spent in there, and they would dissolve into Thomas. And I wouldn’t want to lose you, Patton told Virgil. Please don’t go back.

Logan wouldn’t leave without a second thought. He couldn’t do that to them; Logic was a particularly important piece to discussion, and Logan knew that he... that Logic would be needed, for the pieces to fit together. For the code to run properly.

Viscous despair surged through his veins, slogging and clogging his throat and heart, and Logan knew he was no longer needed. Not as Logan. As a facet of Thomas’s personality, he’d failed, and grown too far from the center.

Logan exhaled, closing his eyes and ignoring the trails down his cheeks. Touching the cold surface, he slowly drew his fingers away, trails of electric blue and steel grey extracting from the glass. Logan pulled the essence of Logic from Thomas’s core, the very thought that had been used to make him – only, different, because Logan... Logan could not be a repeat, he could not be another stumble in the process of Thomas’s life.

He gathered synopsis, collected and connecting every (important) aspect of Logic into one humanoid figure. They were comprised of long strings like nerves, dark blue and gleaming.

One more thing. Logan took a moment, or two, to think. He couldn’t mess this part up; done incorrectly, Logan would cause the very problem he was seeking to repair.

One breath, two, and Logan tapped his index finger against his heart, wincing as he drew out a long strand of glowing silver, waving ribbon-like through the air. The world dulled a little at the edges, his connection to Thomas waning and dissolving like morning dew. He suddenly couldn’t remember what year Thomas graduated, or how long he’d studied to be an engineer.

(He remembered twenty Disney facts that Virgil and Roman had tag teamed in teaching him, he remembered Patton’s favorite tea and how much sugar he liked in his coffee, he remembered–)

Logan wove the silver through the blue, interlocking the two until he’d created a fully new being, complete with all of Logan’s capabilities and (Logan slid his fingers away from the silver) his connection to Thomas.

“You’re going to fix everything I’ve destroyed,” Logan said softly. He leaned forward, suddenly tired, rubbing at his temples. “I’m sorry for pinning you with the responsibility. But with luck, you’ll be just the right Logic for them.”

Logan cradled the blue strands shaped like a jaw, and pressed a single kiss to their forehead. “You’ll succeed where I’ve failed,” he said, as life and autonomy filled the shape of a human Logan had created. Skin stitched over blue wiring, eyes glowing the silver of Logan’s connection as they blinked open.

“You are Logic,” Logan said, exhausted and fading fast. “You know your purpose. There are others like you, but they do not know you yet.”

The new Logic stared at him, unblinking. They opened their mouth and said, “What are you?”

Logan smiled, brown eyes crinkling at the edges. “I’m nothing.”

“But you are here,” they said. “You cannot be nothing. Nothing does not exist.”

“Truly, I am,” Logan said. He reached out a hand, the skin and veins and bones disappearing, fading like a mirage. “You see? I am vanishing.”

They blinked once, then. “You are Logic.”

“No,” Logan said. He shook his head. “I was.”

His body finally got the cue, and Logan faded just like Roman had once explained love:

Slowly, and then all at once.

I was.

I am no longer.

—

Roman heard a whisper through the mindscape and looked up from his book, narrowing his eyes.

“Roman?” Patton asked, doing a jigsaw puzzle with Virgil. “What’s up?”

“I heard something,” Roman said.

Virgil snorted. “Like, a ghost? Are we haunted? Can we be haunted?” he sounded excited about the concept.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Roman said. They made faces at each other, a common “you’re irritating” that they exchanged.

“Maybe I’m the ghost, and you’re just now noticing my ghostly attributes,” Virgil said, wiggling his fingers.

“If any of us were a ghost, it’d be Logan,” Roman said, laughing. “From how often he holes himself up in his room nowadays.” He winced, then, because yikes, he forgot to watch his mouth again. He waited for Patton’s chiding be nice to Logan, Roman, that he’d always gotten with Virgil, and frowned when it didn’t come.

Virgil snorted before refocusing on the puzzle, evidently done with the conversation. Patton made a small noise of victory, slotting a piece into place. Virgil’s face softened with a smile.

Roman turned back around, leaning against the couch, brows furrowed. Something was wrong with the mindscape, something off. But if Virgil wasn’t noting anything, then it had to be solely in Roman’s realm.

Because... well, Roman couldn’t explain it, really, just a couple feelings thrown together with erratic stitching into a mismatched blanket that barely worked. But if he had to hazard a guess, something had been created, and shifted, and something – he longed to know what – added, to him, to his job.

The last part made him a little indignant because honestly, wasn’t his job hard enough? Which side decided well, this is a little much for me, Roman can take it!

Probably... well, probably Logan, but it didn’t seem logical for Logan to dump something else on Roman, not when Logan knew how stressed Roman could get, not when Logan was uncomfortably familiar with Roman’s breakdowns.

“Hey Virgil,” Roman said, throwing an arm on the back of the couch and turning to look at the table.

Virgil sighed. “What, couldn’t stand silence for more than five minutes?”

“It was three minutes and forty five seconds and I cannot, in fact, stand upon silence so no, I cannot,” Roman said, the words tumbling from his mouth before he could think. “Nerd,” he tacked on at the end, lamely and without heat.

Patton stopped moving, his and Virgil’s gaze stopping on Roman’s face, expressions twisted with confusion.

Virgil laughed uncomfortably, shifting in his chair. “You might be spending a little too much time with Logan, man.”

“I think it’s a good thing!” Patton said. “Logan can be a tough nut to crack.”

Roman frowned, because he wasn’t really, although he... he hadn’t really tried, as of late, to focus on him.

“I’m... I’m gonna go to imagination,” Roman said.

“Alright, kiddo!” Patton said. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just...” Roman searched for an excuse, half-standing, when an idea struck him. He trained his face into a cocky, pompous expression, drawing on Thomas’s ability as an actor, falling into his role easily. “I’m bored. Reading this novel has not been as stimulating as promised, and I need to fight something.”

Virgil rolled his eyes and Roman internally grinned. Ace in the hole. Patton laughed and said, “Go ahead, bud! We’re not holding you back!”

Roman stood fully, stretching and setting the book on the side table, careful not to bend any of the pages. His books were littered with dogears and highlights, but Logan’s were meticulously cared for, only the best of the best with perfect folds (favorite parts) and notes.

Roman sank out to the hallway they collectively called home, each of their rooms branching out. Patton’s, of course, was adorned with various positive imagery with the overarching pale blue theme. Virgil’s was pitch black, delicate engravings of purple, covered in Logan’s notes and Patton’s pictures and Roman’s odd stickynote varying from return my earbuds you heathen to a realistic drawing of a chicken.

He stood in front of Logan’s door, eyeing the straight white and blue lines. They really needed to paint over this, it didn’t encompass Logan at all. Roman had a few ideas... maybe he would tell Logan, while he was here.

Roman knocked. “Logan?” he called out, puffing his chest to make his voice sound bigger. “It’s time to emerge from hibernation!”

Nothing.

Roman blinked a few times. Was Logan not in his room? But then, where else would he be? “Logan? Look, I’m sorry I was going back and forth with you on the blue and pink colors, it was so much like the sleeping beauty dress that I couldn’t resist.”

A few more seconds, and Roman frowned. “Are you not in there? Hello?” He knocked a few more times, just to be sure. Maybe he had earbuds in, or something.

The door swung open, Roman’s fist poised, and everything tilted on its axis for three horrible seconds.

“Who...” Roman choked on his words, confusion-fear-bewilderment filling his veins. “Who are you?”

They didn’t move, eyes open and unblinking, a striking silver color. “I am not a who. I am a what. I am Logic.”

Something small and dark twinged in Roman’s chest and he shook his head. “No. No, you’re not. Where’s Logan?”

“At the present moment, I am uncertain.” A channel of silver lit up their cheekbones, like wires in a circuit board. “Logan did not tell me where he was going, only that he was.”

“Logan is Logic, you’re... you’re not Logic,” Roman said again, shivering. This was wrong, this was wrong. “Why are you here?”

“I am the manifestation of Thomas Foley Sanders’s Logic, intended to add reasoning to certain discussions.”

“No, Logan is,” Roman tried. They didn’t blink, which was really starting to unnerve him on a whole different level. “I don’t understand.”

They regarded him for a moment. “Very well. I will expound. Logan created me ten minutes and thirteen point three seconds ago. He used the mindscape to do so.”

Roman flinched. Logan created something. Logan created... he swallowed, throat thick.

They – Logic? – continued. “The former Logic said, ”You are Logic. You know your purpose. There are others like you, but they do not know you yet.“ When I inquired of his being, he stated, ”I am nothing.“ This is paradoxical situation, so I sought to remedy his flawed thinking. He said, ”You see? I am vanishing.“ His fingers disappeared into the air, of a way I am thus uncertain. I called him this ”Logic“, as you did, but he corrected my flawed verbiage and stated, ”No. I was.“ Soon after his statement, the rest of his body vanished. I have been standing in the room, collecting data for my success here. Evidently, the former Logic knew his job was being fulfilled incorrectly, and decided to find a solution. I was created as the solution.”

Roman couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. “What?”

“Would you like me to repeat?”

“No, no,” Roman stuttered, out. “No. No, Logan wouldn’t... how did he make you? How?”

“From the data I have obtained,” they said, still not blinking or moving, as if they were a picture on a background, “the former Logic gathered the essence of Logic into a singular being from the data of the mindscape. He inserted that being with a silver strand – of which I am uncertain of the reason – and gave the being life.”

“The silver,” Roman whispered, realization dawning in his eyes. “The silver is the connection to Thomas, you need it to be one of his sides, I’ve never heard of... transferring, or whatever he did...”

Roman fell quiet, the silence deafening to his ears. Logic hadn’t invited him into Logan’s room, though Roman wondered if Logic knew common societal practices, or if he was merely... a computer. A vessel.

A thought struck him and Roman’s spine shot ramrod straight. He stared at Logic intently, just barely stopping himself from grabbing their shoulders and shaking (just to get some movement, some life). “The golden string. What did he do with it?”

A few seconds passed as they processed this. “I am in no possession of a golden strand.”

“But where – where–” Roman stopped, took a breath, and reworded his sentence. “What did he look like before he disappeared? Did he glow, or were his eyes a different color? His veins?”

Roman counted one, two, three, four, five before Logic spoke. “The former Logic had skin much lighter than a healthy human being, being transparent and pale. His veins were not red or blue but a copper, gold color. His eyes were brown, but the irises had lines of gold within them, which steadily took over the entire iris.”

Roman lost his breath and almost fell, holding himself against the wall with one hand. “He’s... he...” Oh my god.

“Is the golden strand important to my functions?” Logic stated more than asked.

“Not... not your functions, but it’s... it’s his entire personality, his memories, his feelings,” Roman said, the words thick and heavy in his mouth.

“Very well,” they said, and asked no further questions, a silence that gave Roman a whiplash he never thought he’d feel. His curiosity, his wit...

And then it struck him.

“Oh, no, Logan,” Roman murmured, eyes wide and unblinking. Logan hadn’t left any untied odds and ends, had he? The “essence” of logic in a different being, and his extra jobs, the ones that required a personality, that required feeling, he pushed... pushed onto Roman. And, undoubtedly, part of Virgil, part of Patton... they all carried a little bit of Logan in them, now.

Roman had Logan’s scathing wit, his quick comebacks.

He didn’t want them.

“The gold,” Roman said. “When he vanished, did he have a mirror on him? A shard of glass?”

“I am uncertain.”

“And you don’t have any desire to learn? To figure it out? Wrack your brain?”

“I do not have desire,” they said so plainly that Roman wanted to cry.

“Okay, I need to... I need,” Roman gestured a bit with his hand, thoughts running a mile a minute. “Mirror mirror on the wall...” his mirror appeared in his hand moments later, gilded with gold and an intricate handle. Roman clutched it like a parched man to water. “Show me Logan.”

The mirror swirled, disney-esque to his name, before revealing a vague fog with a shimmer of gold. One moment there, gone the next, leaving just... gray.

But it was there.

Roman was certain of it.

“He’s still alive,” Roman murmured. The mirror, if it had not been made of impenetrable thought, would have cracked under the pressure of his hands. “He’s still alive.”

“The former Logic did not erase himself?” the other Logic asked.

“No, he’s still there, just his personality and thoughts and memories,” Roman said. “He didn’t erase himself. He moved himself into the mindscape. He did the sides version of moving far, far away.”

“He should have. He cannot take up space in the mindscape,” Logic said.

“His personality isn’t much space at all,” Roman said. “The mindscape is neigh endless. You know this.”

“You make a valid point. I concede,” Logic said. Roman frowned. Agreement so fast?

“But that means he’s still there,” Roman said. “He’s alive. And that means we can find him.”

“Are you certain he wishes to be found?” Logic said.

“No,” Roman said. “But I... I can’t let him just leave. I can’t. The longer he spends in the mindscape, the more he disappears... almost like growing old. I need to... He shouldn’t have left. He’s logic, he’s our logic, and I... I miss him.”

“Very well.” No fighting whatsoever.

Roman took a shuddering breath. An actual mission, with real dangers. An adventure, the romantic side of his brain whispered. Save the damsel in distress. Only, Logan had chosen to disappear into the mindscape.

But Roman couldn’t do nothing. He’d... he’d have to, at least, find him, and talk to him. It wasn’t right for Logan to up and leave without telling the others.

Then it’s decided, then?

“Okay,” Roman said. “Okay. I’m certain.” He squared his shoulders, breathing slowly. “I’m going to get him.”

Logic said nothing, stare blank and emotionless.

Goosebumps rose on Roman’s skin. “But first...” he flicked the mirror, vanishing it into the mindscape. “First, I have to tell the others.”

Logic didn’t move as Roman sunk out. Roman wondered if he’d still be standing there, hours later.

He didn’t know why Logan had left. Why Logan had committed an act so much more thorough, so much more permanent, than Virgil ducking out.

I don’t know why you left.

Roman rose in the living room, drawing Virgil and Patton’s curious gazes.

But I know one thing.

Virgil shot to his feet, entire being buzzing with energy and fear-anxiety-nervousness.

You’re not alone. You’re never alone.

Patton stood slowly, a shaky sort of realization filling his face before Roman had even said a word.

Your family is behind you.

And we’re not leaving you behind.

[fae-fucker]

Zenith: Chapter 52-55

Chapter 52

Valen interrogates Andi about his father’s decision to make her his rescuer, and instead of going “take that up with your dad because I don’t know his reasons for doing this,” Andi tries to be all apologetic about all the Kalee stuff and saying how she’s changed and Valen’s like nu-uh!

“It was a mistake,” Andi said again. “If I could take it back—”

Valen gritted his teeth. “Murder isn’t a mistake.”

Have I finally gone off the deep end or is this fucking funny?

“If I recall, you were the one who allowed your little sister and her friend to sneak out for a joyride on your father’s brand-new transport,” Andi replied. Her words were soft and casual, but her eyes were on fire.

“Spectre,” Valen said. “Spectre first, and always. You failed her as that.”

“Again,” Andi said, “it was a mistake. I’ve had to live with the cost of it.”

“Kalee didn’t!” Valen screamed. “She didn’t get to live, Androma!”

It’s honestly impressive that whenever I go into a chapter that’s relatively short and think it’s gonna be fine and I’ll just skim over it, Shinsay proves me wrong by including more bullshit that I just have to talk about. But hey, part of the reason I have this blog is so that people know what not to do and examining why certain things just don’t work, with the added bonus of having the context for it.

It’s also impressive how two women somehow keep making the wrong choice for the same one book, over and over and over. Every narrative choice in this book is wrong.

So, what’s wrong with this particular bit? Remember when Dex and Andi were having their stupid argument and Dex, right after trying to apologize for what he did and explain himself, turned around and started blaming Androma for it instead? Here it’s even more jarring, because Andi genuinely believes she was to blame for Kalee’s death and genuinely wants to atone (or she claims to want that, at least). So when she, out of nowhere, starts trying to defend herself and shift the blame onto Valen? That shit don’t make no sense, y’all.

I think this is a result of the book having too many pointless POVs. We’re in Valen’s right now, so obviously he needs emotional triggers to react to and start monologuing over. He needs to be provoked and damn logic and character consistency, he’s gonna get provoked! Andi’s words make no sense and will not be examined closer once we’re back in her POV, she just said this OOC shit for the sake of drama, yet given everyone’s awful characterization, even small things like these serve only to undermine the characters and their motivations even further.

Shinsay don’t understand that sometimes, no arguments is far more impactful than a dramatic verbal battle of cheap witticisms. Instead of this, Andi could’ve just sat there, quietly, letting Valen dunk on her because she feels she deserves it. Hell, this entire conversation could’ve been saved if only Andi’s blame-shifting line had been given to someone else! I didn’t even read it as her saying it at first and had to double-check and that’s when it fell apart to me.

God, I could go on like this forever. Feel free to send me asks if you want me to elaborate on dialogue and characterization, I guess? Let’s just move on.

The others try to figure out how Valen was taken and what happened when he was, asking him if he knows anything about Queen Nor, at which point Rage Unlocks Within Him, and he gets up and leaves.

I also want to mention that Valen talks about “things being tense after Kalee was gone,” but Kalee’s been dead for four years, while Valen was taken two years ago. Sooo uh ... huh? He makes it sound like it was two months after and not two years. He could’ve said things “changed” after her death and it would’ve sounded better. Idk just a preference I guess.

Also ... I just realized Valen’s been missing and tortured for two years. How he still talks normally is ... pretty bonkers, to say the least.

Chapter 53

Andi goes out to find Valen but finds Lon instead, his blue tiddies out.

Lon leads Andi to where Valen is, all while dropping hints that Lira has something to say to Andi and that Andi shouldn’t try to influence her decision. To her credit, Andi says she won’t, and that she loves Lira as her sister.

Andi and Valen sit around in nature for a bit and talk about Valen’s art. I don’t hate it?

“When I was locked up, I almost forgot what colors looked like,” [Valen] said, lazily brushing the stick back and forth against the mud. “Did you know that black is more than just a single shade?”

Anish Kapoor would like to know your location.

Valen says he can’t forgive Andi for what she did, but he can also not forgive himself for being part of those choices(????). Andi speculates that her accusation earlier must’ve struck him deep, but that’s all we get on that, no explanation as to why she accused him at all.

“In Lunamere, I had nothing to keep me company but my pain and my thoughts. I had lots of time to think about that night, and everything leading up to it. Time to realize that we were raised in a society where perfection is the only option. But that doesn’t mean it’s always possible. We all made bad choices that night, not just you. She got on that transport herself. And I chose to stay behind.”

Andi wanted to speak, but she feared it would shatter this strange, heart-wrenching moment they had somehow found themselves in.

Thanks for telling me it’s heart-wrenching, lest my idiot self got lost in all this emotion and forgot to realize what was happening.

Christ, even when Shinsay have a decent dramatic and emotional moment going, they just can’t keep their grubby little hands to themselves, huh? I know it’s your book but can you shut the fuck up for a moment and just let the prose stand on its own?

God, if only there had been an editor.

Both Andi and Valen admit they wish they’d died with Kalee and in any other more competent book this would’ve been quite touching.

“Without Kalee...” Andi began, finally voicing the realization she’d come to terms with these past few days. “Without Kalee, there wouldn’t have been a sentence for me to run from. And without that running, I never would have found Dex. And without him...”

“You wouldn’t be the Bloody Baroness,” Valen finished for her. “My father would not have hired you.”

It was a vicious cycle, one that Andi wished she could have undone before it had ever started. But it was her story. Her life.

Her life is a series of reactions to things outside of her control? Love that for a protagonist.

Listen, I know it’s supposed to be sad and stuff, but even Andi’s backstory reinforces her reactionary personality and the way the plot is driven by things completely outside of her control. It’s hard to feel invested in a character when they never make choices and instead only react to whatever happens to them.

Anyway, Valen and Andi seem to have gotten over their differences and go to the festival together. That was easy. I guess it’s to throw us off the scent and make it more surprising when he suddenly turns out to be evil? I’m honestly not sure. It’s pretty bad either way, but I don’t have to tell you that.

Chapter 54

We’re with Lira again and she’s staring off into the distance thinking about the festival. Lon appears again, tiddies still out, but now his muscles and “sculpted” chest feels kind of weird to comment on since we’re in Lira’s head? Whatever, maybe Adhirans are weird like that.

Lon says some cutesy shit about how technically Lira is this planet’s princess but she doesn’t reply or even think about how that would make him the prince? He just says he’s her brother and has to guard her. Maybe Adhirans also don’t let men have political power because that’s what Shinsay think feminism is.

Anyway, they join the other girls and head to the festival while Lira mopes about her decision and how she can’t have two families. Except you can. But whatever. Logic isn’t dramatic enough, I suppose.

“It’s time to let loose,” Breck said. “Lir, you look like you’ve just puked up a pound of Moon Chew.”

“Lira doesn’t puke,” Gilly said.

“That’s ridiculous. Everyone pukes,” Breck added.

“I’ve never seen her do it. And I spy on her, like, all the time.” 

Lon chuckled beside Lira. “I see it,” he whispered. “What draws you to this crew.”

I don’t.

Also they’re in the same close space it seems, so I have no idea how they 1) don’t bother to ask Lira what’s going on and 2) don’t notice Lon being all whispery and shit. Convenient!

Gonna gloss over the spying bit as well, I see. Hey, they do have those eye implants that you don’t need consent to activate. Maybe Gilly’s been using it to perv on the rest of the crew.

Lira decides ... not to decide, and just fuckin party down for tonight. I guess in this universe it means she’s gonna get blackout wasted, because That’s What Adults Do. I should also mention that she decides not to decide and then never has to decide anyway because the plot intervenes and the choice is made for her. Love that for a character.

*sigh*

Chapter 55

We’re in Dex’s POV and we get some decent descriptions of how cool the festival is with more incidental aliens and traditions. Dex spots the crew and thinks about how they’re his crew now and realizes he’s bonded with them. I’m glad this is spelled out because I would not have noticed it myself, and frankly I both do and don’t mean it this time.

They’ve only been together for a couple of days, tops. I guess extreme situations make people bond faster but I really feel like we’re jumping the shark here. At the same time I can tell that Dex clearly fits into the crew pretty well, and this just feels forced and redundant. All in all, this comment is just unnecessary. Let the characters evolve and grow closer naturally, Shinsay. You don’t need to convince us they’re a crew, you can just show us and we’ll believe it!

Dex spots Valen and Andi and of course we get a horny description of how cool and sexy Andi is and how impressed Dex is that she and Valen are already friends. Then he decides to get drunk and eat some meat.

Frankly? Relatable. Chapter? Pointless.

[pksuburban]

a little over a year ago, i put out a message on here for anyone (over 18) who was interested in joining a group chat about hockey to message me. a year ago today, i created that chat, and it has been the most welcoming, wonderful, and enlightening group. i’ve grown closer to this group of lovely people, and i honestly don’t know where i would be without them. this group is like family to me, and i don’t say this a lot but i love every single one of them with all of my heart.

without further ado i wanna shoutout:

Annie ( @anzekopistar) - honestly, i was surprised you wanted to join the chat because i thought you were too cool and talented. you still are but i’m so glad you’re in the chat with the california sunshine you bring!

Beth ( @noelacciari) - if your favorite writer was friends with you how would you react? that’s me every time i realize we’re friends. you’re so intelligent and kind. i know you stay busy often but i’m so happy (and sometimes floored) that you’re one of my friends.

Caroline ( @galchenyum) - your hockey takes are always something i look forward to and i wanna travel with you so bad. caro, you always see things others don’t and you are amazingly kind and patient. i adore you.

Cori ( @j0shanderson) - listen. i’ve hyped myself up about march and it’s still about 5 months away. i always love the cbus talk and the pics of jefferson and your nails. you’re so chill and easy to talk to. you’re also kinda like beth in the fact i love your writing and i still can’t believe you wanna be friends with me lmao

Hana ( @mcchickenextramayo) - my number one kuraly stan. i can always count on you to bring me random bruins content but also cursed content. thank you for sending me my charlie shirsey and i haven’t forgotten your funko ;)

Jaymee ( @matesinskates) - our resident australian. snapchats from you are the best because 1) your accent and 2) they probably have your dogs or cats in them. you stay active in the groupchat despite the time difference and that is something i admire. i don’t know how you do it. you are one of my favorite leafs fans

Jaz ( @thiccsidney) - we’ve been longtime mutuals before this chat even started and i’m glad we’ve gotten closer because of it. i enjoy the dog and cat pics and the cursed content. you’re so far away but one day we will meet

Jude ( @holyholtby) - judesssss. as someone in the same field, i feel like you’re kind of like my brother. i want so much success for you and i’m pulling for you so hard. i admire how you stick up for yourself and your beliefs and it’s so great to see how you grow.

Katie ( @cantevenskate) - i always love hearing about you and your dad idk why y’all are just so cute. you’re so strong and funny. i remember we first started talking about a little book store in falls church and now we’re as close as we are. love you tons

Malin ( @theacewayoflife) - our fellow swede who always gives us the european perspective on things. i know most of our time zones don’t line up but i love hearing from you and getting your snaps (especially the snow snaps in the winter). i’m so glad you’re with us and thank you for gracing us with your fantasy nickname: MEAT.

Megan ( @kolyabackstroms) - you’re another longtime mutual prior to the gc, in fact, i think you were one of my original hockey tumblr mutuals. i absolutely adore you and thank you for letting me scream to you about players and rant to you about people. i love your accent and your drunk bathroom videos. i can’t wait to come up to long island and eat a bagel with you

Megara ( @gayjakegyllenhaal) - thank you for taking me up on those st louis tickets! i had such a blast and thank you for getting charlie to get me a puck you’re a real one. like jaymee you’re one of my fave leafs fans. but also wings fan. you’re always serving looks

Rachael ( @thepensieve) - rachael, you’re so inspiring and you study so hard. all of this is going to pay off and i’m so excited to see where it is going to take you. with that said thanks for teaching us some latin and making us laugh at history jokes. you’re so incredibly smart and driven and kind. thank you for the dogs pics and the fat bear updat¿¿es. ily

Sydnee ( @42wallabyway-sydnee) - i am so! excited! for the end of this month! it’s so cool you’re so close and i’m glad we finally got in touch with this chat. thank you for blessing us with pictures of the prophet and your facial journeys. you’re driven and chill with pretty much everything. moving somewhere new is something brave and i look up to you

in the end, thank y’all for answering my message all that long ago and thank you for being one of the most welcoming and warm group i’ve been a part of on here. thank y’all for supporting me and each other in tough times, momentary crises, and our successes. i love y’all so much

[broadwaycantdie]

Protests - Newsies (Pride) Month . Day 18

( angst ) + ( javid ) + ( modern-era )

a/n: i know, i know...i’m late, but it just took some time for inspiration to strike and i hope y’all can appreciate that // also i don’t know why i enjoy writing Davey fighting back against his family but idk it’s just something i like so sorry i do it a lot // also also no one reads the background so i took that shit out, it just kinda wastes space :/

warnings: MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS

mentions of blood, violence, injury, death, police brutality, etc. and use of slurs, derogatory terms, and cussing

——————————————————————————

“Respect existence or expect resistance!”

“Gay rights are human rights!”

“Silence is violence! We will not stay quiet!”

Davey heard the shouts and chants of protesters on the street. He looked out his window and couldn’t help but smile. These people were fighting for what they wanted and were willing to risk everything to get that. He was inspired by them.

He wasn’t shy to the idea of a protest. He had joined the newsies and helped run the strike against the newspaper industry.

But this was different.

This wasn’t kids fighting against one person.

This was people of all race, ethnicity, religion, age, and situation coming together to fight against people who have no right to hate them. They were fighting for their lives most of the time.

Davey couldn’t stand to just watch.

He wanted to be in that crowd. He wanted to make signs and chant and fight back on all who have wronged him for something he couldn’t change.

But his family would never let him leave. Not after the strike.

Although the strike ended well, that doesn’t mean it was a smooth ride to the top. There were fights, a lot of them. The boys were lucky to come out without a broken bone. Some didn’t even come out at all.

People lost their lives fighting for equal pay.

And Davey—looking out his window to see that people are still fighting for equality—felt like what they did didn’t matter. Of course it mattered, but the fight was far from over. According to the leaders, equality was not a right, but a privilege we had to fight for. Davey couldn’t stand it anymore.

He lost brothers—both blood and not. He temporarily lost mobility in one of his arms. He lost teeth. He lost more blood than healthy. He lost faith in humanity.

But he didn’t care. He couldn’t stop fighting. Not until everyone was equal. And if that meant he would fight for the rest of his life, then so be it.

He packed a bag quietly. He couldn’t have his parents finding out, they already forbid him from fighting any more.

He tried to pick a time he could leave. But his mother almost never left the house. He just had to be quick and sneaky. He didn’t have time to wait.

Davey headed for the door. As soon as he opened it, he saw his father there. He had gotten off early from work.

“Where are you going, David?” His father asked in a stern tone.

Thoughts rushed through his head as his face turned red. He could easily lie and say he was just going to the store. Or he could tell the truth and stand up to his father. He didn’t like to lie, but the truth would’ve been even more painful. Before he could come up with a solid plan, his mouth started moving.

“To stand up for myself.”

That was a good way to put it.

“Excuse me?” His father asked, pushing David back into the house and closing the door behind him.

“You can’t ignore the protesters out there, father. They fight for the same things we did—equality! And the fight is far from over. I can’t just stand around and watch!”

“You can and you will. I will not lose another son. I almost lost you once, David. I can’t take that chance again, not after your brother.“

“But father if you just lis—“

“No, David. You will stay in this house. You have nothing to fight for out there. Those fags just want people to give them attention. They think that’s what God wanted for them. Maybe if they actually picked up the Torah, they could learn something about how it’s supposed to be!”

“But they—“

“Don’t try to defend them, David. You know I’m right. They just want to waste everyone’s time and block up the streets. Serves them right, they’re nothing but glittery street rats anyway. Put them back in the gutter where they belong—”

“STOP IT!”

Davey screamed. He never screamed at his father like that before. But he couldn’t take it.

His body shook. Involuntary tears streamed from his eyes. His working hand covered his ear. He was filled with more anger than sadness. He was done. He couldn’t take it anymore. He had to get out.

He yelled through chokes of tears and voice cracks.

“The people out there are fighting for rights! They want to be treated equally and not be hated for no reason. It’s people like you who they are protesting against! You have no reason to hate them! You actually have every reason to love them. One of them lives in your house. Or at least used to. I can’t stay here anymore if you’re just going to hate and disrespect who I am. I’m going to fight for my rights, and if you have a problem with that, then you are the problem.”

Davey walked back towards the door but his dad grabbed his arm. They looked at each other in the eyes. They had similar looks of sadness and anger but for different reasons.

From the corner of his eye, Davey saw his mother.

She heard the whole thing.

His father looked over and loosened his grip enough for Davey to shake out of it.

He turned his head and walked out the door, slamming it shut as he left.

His father opened it back up to shout but Davey had already run between the crowds of people. He was lost in the group before his father could catch him.

He needed to get to the lodging house as quickly as possible. Hoping to catch the boys before they left for the protest. He remembered Jack saying they were putting their full support and energy into this fight.

God, he loved that. Davey adored how much Jack put into everything. He wanted to fight every battle headfirst. Jack’s determination was admirable and God, did he admire him. He was walking chaos and Davey was drawn to him.

Jack was ready to fight at any second and was prepared to do whatever it took to win. That part scared Davey. He couldn’t lose Jack the same way he lost others. But he knew he couldn’t hold him back either. He just made sure to be by his side no matter what happened.

He got to the lodging house and saw Jack in the main room getting ready to head out.

“Hey, babe! What’re you doing here? I thought you weren’t allowed to leave anymore?” Jack asked.

“Well...uh...now I have the opposite problem.”

Jack looked confused, so Davey continued.

“I’m not allowed back.”

Jack’s eyes grew wide with concern.

“I finally stood up to my dad. Told him what he needed to hear. He said the fight didn’t matter and that we were just ‘fags who wanted attention’ and ‘glittery street rats’. Well fuck him, right? Fuck him. I don’t need him.”

Davey smiled through tears. Trying to keep a positive outlook on a situation he didn’t think through. He knew he wanted to leave but he didn’t realize what he’d done until now.

A bit of his heart ached. Although his father didn’t mean anything to him anymore, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He put food on his table, a roof over his head, clothes on his back. And Davey just left. But he couldn’t think about that now. Every positive thing his father had done came with a negative aspect. Davey was right. He didn’t need him anymore.

Jack walked over and held Davey in a tight hug. A hug that told him he was right and that it would be okay.

He finally felt okay.

The other boys walked into the room after hearing all the noise.

Davey saw their injuries and permanent damage. He also couldn’t help but notice who wasn’t there.

Brothers who had lost their lives to the cause.

Davey cried even harder into the crevice of Jack’s neck. Jack just held him tighter.

After the mini-reunion, it was back to the plan.

Jack explained what they were going to do.

Basically, their plan was to join the protest and make their way to the front, where the real change would happen. They had made signs for whoever wanted one. And after the protest they would all meet back up at the house to make sure everyone was okay incase they got lost.

They made their way out to the crowds and—following Jack’s instruction—made their way all the way to the front. Some of them stayed behind in the safer parts of the crowd and Jack was okay with that.

Jack and Davey—along with other boys—stood right at the front.

Their bodies pushed up against a wall of police trying to push them back with shields.

“We will not stay silent!”

“You can’t deny human rights to humans!”

“We aren’t any different from you!”

Jack lead the chants. He was a born leader and knew how to control a crowd.

Others joined in and more police were called.

From far behind the first row, a rock was thrown, hitting a police officer in the head. From that point, all hell broke loose.

After that it wasn’t a peaceful protest.

It was a riot.

The police began pushing even harder to get the people back, knocking people to the ground for them to be trampled on. Batons were used to bash in heads, and innocent people were beat.

Everyone tried to run from what was happening but cop cars pulled up on every corner and the police were trying to take back control.

Jack and Davey were split up, trying to protect their lives as well as getting away from police.

Davey frantically looked around for Jack. He knew he wouldn’t stop. He just couldn’t bare to lose him. Davey was his only sense of control and he needed it more than ever now.

He was in his sights.

“Jack!” Davey yelled out.

They started to run towards each other but an officer pulled Davey back.

They were arresting everyone they could find in the riots.

“Jack! Help!”

Jack pushed back through the police. Every second he was being grabbed or pushed or beaten. But he couldn’t give up.

If there was one thing he believed in more than a revolution, it was Davey.

Davey pushed back against the police but to no use. The officer beat him down to the ground and continuously kicked him until he stopped fighting. He coughed out blood and shook against the pavement. He officer forced him back up but he wouldn’t move.

Before Davey could react, Jack was there.

Police chased him down through the crowds but the remaining people put up a fight. Not everyone would go down so easy.

Jack threw a punch at the officer beating Davey.

He didn’t care what happened now. He needed to protect who he cared about. And he wasn’t going to stand for being beat for no reason.

He jumped at the officer who quickly threw him to the ground. He tried to beat Jack, but he was too quick. Jack knew his way around a fight and could dodge a punch like no one’s business.

He got up and tried to help Davey while avoiding a beating from the police.

“Let me help him!” Jack shouted at the officer.

He put his hands up and the officer stopped.

“Let me help him and you can take me. No more fighting.”

“No! Jack!” Davey coughed out, his voice barely registering.

Tears ran down his face.

Before the officer could decide. A gunshot rang out.

“NO!” Davey screamed.

Everyone who was left standing ran.

More gunshots filled the air and bodies dropped like flies.

Jack’s knees buckled as he fell to the ground.

He looked down at his chest. He put his fingers over the bleeding hole. More tears came out as his eyes met Davey’s.

“Davey...I-I’m sorry. I...l-love...you.”

Jack fell face down on the ground.

His blood poured out onto the street.

The officer that beat Davey had remorse in his eyes.

He had a job to do, but he couldn’t stand for what was happening. He didn’t want it to end like this. This boy needed medical help. He couldn’t live with the death of a young boy on his conscious. He tried to pick up Davey but he refused.

“Sir! We need to get you help!”

“No! Leave me here to die! Isn’t that what you all want?”

Davey coughed out more blood and tears.

His breathing shallowed and slowly came to a stop.

Another officer came and ushered everyone away. They had to keep up with the job and not be distracted.

The two boys laid there on the street.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

They were supposed to win the fight.

They were supposed to be equally and fairly treated.

They were supposed to be together.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

They weren’t supposed to lose.

They weren’t supposed to make things worse.

They weren’t supposed to die.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

[songofadaydream]

my real-time thoughts on rocketman the 4th time I’ve seen it in total and 2nd time this week, let’s go bois *very long post warning*

fair warning I just finished jojo rabbit less than an hour ago and it was way more emotional than I expected, so she’s probably going to be an emotional wreck tonight ladies!! :)) also, I will be pausing the movie throughout! just wanted to let you know

starting the night out right with some lay’s salt and vinegar chips and a lush face mask

not even a part of the movie but when the studio logos come on a version of goodbye yellow brick road and just *french kiss*

it’s starting and I am here for it!!

taron comes looking like an icon and a snack. actually, a whole meal. the heart glasses omggg

“how long’s this gonna take.” “that’s really up to you.”

i never noticed this before but taron stares right into the camera as he introduces himself

“my name is elton hercules john. and I’m an alcoholic. and a cocaine addict. and a sex addict. and a bulimic. i’m also a shopaholic who was problems with weed, prescription drugs, and anger management.”

“well my dealer was out of town I thought this seemed like a good alternative,”

“and I wanted to get better.”

um the transition into the full on musical number of the bitch is back.

this tiny little child actor playing elton saying bitch 10 million times. props to his parents for letting him do that.

um also his riffs??

just the way his mom says, “love to.”

god his dad is a DOUCHE

“when are you going to hug me”🥺🥺

the flashlight conducting scene!! they’re playing rocketman and it’s so beautiful and cute!! whe lil reggie/elton gets on the mini piano oh my god

when he looks at his mom’s fashion magazines...gay fashion icon beginnings...

*looks up* “can we go home,”

he starts playing his teacher’s song and she’s just like 😦😦

idk if this is an unpopular opinion but I don’t really like the I want love scene. I just don’t really like the switching of singer, the arrangement, and tempo. just my opinion though :/ also that’s the only weak scene of this movie I think

elton’s grandmother appreciation post send tweet

that last I want love though.

when his mom is clearly getting it on in a car and her date is like, “I’m..,,..a friend of.,.,,..your mum’s,.,,”

his dad leaves. heartbreaking!

when he wipes the tear away...

“i discovered records. and rock and roll :)”

playing classical music with an elvis presley haircut is an aesthetic no I don’t take criticism

“excuse me. you can’t put that there,” “why not,” “it’ll get knocked off.”

when he transforms into teenage elton and an amazing musical/dance number starts

that face taron makes when the door shuts on the car

“it’s not just your name. you gotta kill the person you were born to be in order to become the person you wanna be.”

that kiss with one of the band members is so hot.

peeing in a bottle in disgusting I’m sorry.

“what’d you say your name was again?” “elton.” “elton. elton what.” “john. elton john.”

ray is cute af. also the transcendental moment when he hands elton the envelope with bernie’s lyrics in it.

“one frothy coffee, no froth.”

jamie is so cute what the heckkkk

singing streets of loredo in a cafe is so wholesome and adorable

holy sHIT BORDER SONG IS STARTING

bernie and elton are literally so cute together as friends omg

also completely digging these like early 70s silk scarf things.

“yeah I could just take those songs and leave if you like,”

“what about the fact that you’re a f*g...your little friend here...is a homosexual.”

bernie not caring whether or not elton is is gay is Peak Pure ™

“oH fUcK”

when they stumble home drunk. the cuteness I can’t.

“you are a ssshhHHITT hot piano player, you have an aMAZING voice, and I’m telling you there is something special that happens...when you sing our songs.”

the way the two handle elton’s leaning in for a kiss is SO GOOD and I could write an entire essay on it. “we became inseparable after that. the brother I never had.”

“anyway I took his advice. told arabella. she took it quite well actually,” *cut to her throwing his piano out the window* “sHe KiLlEd mY pIaNo”

your song and everything about that scene is perfection. that’s all I have to say.

“you can’t just sPRING the troubadour on me.”

“put on a great

fucking

show. and just don’t kill yourself with drugs?”

amoreena is so good how didn’t I realize this until now!

doug flirting w/bernie kills me every time.

“ooh dude. what the hell’re you wearing?”

“my stage gear.”

*bernie stumbles in drunk* “reggie! reggie reggie. neil diamond is at the bar he’s talkin to leon russell and half the fuckin beach boys eh??”

“jesus sHIT bernie,”

that little, “well come on then,” after being yelled by bernie & ray

“please welcome all the way from london, england...”

ELTON JOHN

when he starts singing it’s like the smoothest molasses ever and I am HERE for it.

there’s an interview where taron says, and I quote, “those dungarees made my ass look massive” wholeheartedly agree my guy. but in best way possible

when they start floating

elton’s jacket and the magic that is the entirety of tiny dancer <3 <3

there’s a whole ass bed in a tipi?? what the hell

“so you like the songs then?” “not quite as much as the singer,” OH SHIT THE GAY TENSION

“there are moments in a rockstar’s life that defines who he is...and it’s going to be a wild ride,”

it’s a weird scene to like but I really love the take me to the pilot love scene. the song is so good and perfect for that moment, and they seem genuinely attracted to each other (even though john ends up being a huge dick later)

the way he takes the glasses off

the lil race to get their pants off is weird but it works

elton just seems so happy and content at the end and it’s so refreshing.

when he gets the shoes and the glasses <3

he looks so happy and fulfilled my little boy

why is it so cute when he and Kiki record don’t go breaking my heart

elton stops it the SECOND he sees John oh my goddd

kiki’s little “ough” when she sees john

“elton what’s going on are we going again or should we go for a pint,” *sees john walk into the closet* “yeah no yeah you should go for a pint”

HONKY CAT IS ONE OF IF NOT THE BEST SCENES/SONGS IN THE ENTIRE FILM THERE I SAID IT

cocaine induced head butt of a soccer ball is iconic

why did they have to get rid of rayyyy

the, “best of luck to you elton,” is so bitter yet genuinely well-wishing??

“welp...that was *absolutely* horrible,” is such a mood

the scene where he goes to come out to his dad is so incredibly heartbreaking, especially when it cuts to him in rehab.

taron deserves an oscar just for throwing that chair alone.

“what have you got to do the get a fucking drink around here, eh?” and then he takes a swig from a bottle in the car with john

when he calls his mom to come out. that shit hurts.

“i just hope you realize you’re choosing a life of being alone forever...you’ll never be loved properly.” he opens his mouth. it’s so awful guys. and then he fucking gets punched by john what an absolute dick.

“real love’s hard to come by. so you find a way to cope without it.”

the scene that comes right after that when he’s getting ready for his show and snorts cocaine and takes a swig of a drink really shows how far off the deep end he had gone. it’s heartbreaking, really.

“PEOPLE DON’T PAY TO SEE rEgInALd dWiGhT THEY PAY TO SEE ELTON JOHN. DON’T EVER TELL ME HOW TO DO MY FUCKING JOB.” “WRITE THE FUCKING LYRICS, BERNIE. LET ME DEAL WITH THE REST,” “i’m sorry,” “i know.”

that headdress tho

ok but pinball wizard absolutely slaps and so does the montage with all of his changing outfits

oh my god the drag queen in his room though

NONONONO JOHN IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE FUCKING CHEATING ON HIM IT IS NOT OKAY.

what an inconvenient time for his mom to waltz in

“and what a shy little boy you were! look at you now.”

“mum you’re ON my GOWN,”

i wish i were as cool as bernie getting out of that car and coming inside

“yEaGhHhH...go get a lil drink. yehyeh,”

get ready for one of the most impactful scenes of 2019 if not the 2010s ladies

“FOR MY NEXT TRICK i’m gonna fucking kill myself.”

again, I could write an entire essay on this but the fact that he is literally hitting rock bottom with his childhood self down there is so impactful and powerful and one of the greatest artistic choices they made in this film. also the cinematography is gorgeous.

and oh, by the way, taron actually performed this underwater. no cgi or special effects. where is his oscar.

john is a dick to him on the stretcher but bernie looks so genuinely concerned for his friend and I love that.

it is absolutely gut wrenching when they pump his stomach.

THE CINEMATOGRAPHY AND ANGLES AND SILHOUETTES WHEN IT GETS TO THE BIG CHORUS PART IS SO SO SO INCREDIBLY GOOD AND AMAZING AND I WILL NEVER, EVER GET OVER IT.

the nurses getting him ready for what was probably his biggest/most iconic performance to date is something so incredible, and such a great choice cinematically, story wise, and really emotion wise too. he was at his absolute rock bottom and did one of if not the most iconic performance a little over 24hrs later, and I think this little part really helps to illustrate that.

taron actually hit that baseball and I’m so proud of him for it.

the liftoff is so great. and then it cuts to him in a plane with smoke on his head which just. ugh.

hot take: elton’s addiction wouldn’t have gotten so bad if he had just gone to bernie’s fucking ranch with him

THE QUEEN OUTFIT IS SO ICONIC IM SORRY

also if this movie doesn’t win the goddamn best costume design I swear to god.

YES BENNIE AND THE JETSSSSS

this is also such a great scene as well omg.

when he flashbacks to his childhood and difficult and also great moments in his life during this sequence. that hit hard.

i feel like no one talks about taron’s arms enough? they as thiccc as his thighs why y’all sleeping on them

“You signed a contract with me years ago, so I’ll still be collecting my 20% long after you’ve killed yourself.” that’s cold as hell.

when he throws that glass at the door. and then victim of love starts playing straight afterwards UGH dexter fletcher you need to STOP and CALM DOWN

listen I don’t know elton was thinking and/or feeling in terms of life and his sexuality when he decided to marry renata but can we talk about his wedding outfit?? wtffff it’s so gay and if you don’t see it you’re blind.

the look his mom gives him I’m DEAD

they literally had separate rooms this was not a normal marriage. the breakfast scene is so sad though.

“did being married make you happy?” “not really, I’m gay.” hands down one of the most iconic lines in the entire movie.

why does he have sperm on this firework suit coat.

“you know I am so sick of running away from who I am.”

the way his voice wavers and cracks is not okay. and neither is his mom twisting everything around so that she’s made out to be the victim. and don’t cry in the bathroom elton please buddy. you’ll be okay.

“campaign to kill yourself is going well, eh?”

“when did you give up? if you don’t care about yourself how can you expect anyone else to...it’s not weak to ask for help.”

goodbye yellow brick road is such a beautiful song and scene and why didn’t we get Jamie to sing more I mean come on he does so incredibly well in this scene.

also I didn’t really realize that they flipped a few verses around for the movie. and elton yelling and screaming at bernie as he leaves is so powerful.

elton yelling at himself.

this is also when he has a heart attack?? chest infection?? I don’t really know but he falls down the stairs and Mr. Dick Manager John makes him continue to perform.

and there he is in the first scene’s costume. singing the rest of yellow brick road.

and there he goes. off to rehab. a full circle moment. good for him for finally taking control of his life and addictions.

“yeah but I started acting like a c*nt in 1975. I just forgot to stop.”

“maybe I should’ve tried to be more ordinary.” his grandmother walks in. “he was never ordinary.” my. heart. can. not. take. this.

this next scene where he talks to everyone in his mind is incredibly powerful and I will shout it from the rooftops until the end of time.

“my problem is that I believed you loved me. and you’re incapable of it.” the SHADE

“actually I think I’m okay with strange.”

BERNIE COMES IN MY LOVE

“bernie...I never told you how much I need you.” shit fam here comes the waterworks

“you just need to remember who you are. and be okay with it.”

and then his childhood self comes in. “I haven’t been reggie Dwight for years.” “when are you going to hug me.” he engulfs his young self in a hug. this is one of the best moments of the film and I am now full on crying.

I can’t get over how wholesome bernie’s visit is with Elton. the sweetest thing ever.

“you’re not scared you’re not good without it, you’re scared to feel again...this is the part you gotta do on your own. these...need music”

“thank you bernie.” “you’re my brother.” <3

and then he finally sits down to write again. and it’s pure magic.

I’m still standing is a a feat of what he’s been through the entire movie. finally, he’s sober, he’s accepting of himself/his sexuality, and is getting to a better place. plus, it mirrors the original music video, and is everything I’ve ever needed and more. *the* perfect scene and song to end upon.

he’s so happy at the end. and then the epilogue starts and says he’s been sober for 28 years and counting, set up an aids charity, still writes with bernie, met his husband David 25 years ago and is finally loved properly (rip my heart out of my chest, why don’t you), has two sons and is retiring from touring. and and the I’m gonna love me again plays with him and taron and it’s just such a perfect song to end, and I can’t.

so. those are my thought while watching rocketman for the 4th time in total, 2nd time this week. sorry that’s it’s so long. I just love this film so much. anyways, it’s almost 2am and I’m an emotional wreck. I’m gonna go cry and go to bed now. thanks for making it this far. :) <3

[canaryatlaw]

today was...a lot. morning was actually pretty good, my emotions have just kinda been all over the place. I never notice when I’m in a depressive spiral until I hit the bottom and look back like oh yeah, that would make sense why I’ve been sleeping so much and feeling so anxious and stressed about work (and I mean, work is definitely a part of it, which really just means I need to get the position at the DV clinic that much more) and discouraged all the time, along with skipping church for like, a solid month, even going in for the babies one week but not staying for the service because I just didn’t have it in me. I think I need to really reevaluate who and what is important to me and how that actually has an impact on my life and wellbeing. Most of all I need to stop relying on other people for emotional fulfillment, because eventually they will let you down and I can’t keep putting myself through that pain. I’ve been thinking back to when my life wasn’t as crazy like it is now. I’ve tended to look back on that time negatively, at least in the positive moments now. But the truth was that while my life was pretty boring, I wasn’t depressed (save for the summer of 2017, but that was external circumstances that I couldn’t control). I was happy with the life I had and the friends I had, and god do I miss those friends. I’m talking to them in a GC on twitter like right now and I really just miss them. It’s been way too long since I’ve gotten to see them and actually hang out with them. And these are my friends- mine, not friends by association with someone else who I know aren’t at all loyal to me as actual friends and I really don’t trust most of them. Is it nice to have sometime to do on my weekends now? Yeah, it is, but the drawbacks have been beginning to weigh on me, and now I’m not sure that it’s always what’s best for me. I’m not saying I want it all gone, because for the most part I do very much like my life now, but there are definitely some things that need to change, because I can’t keep doing this. And more than anything I think those changes need to come from me, not anyone else. god, I’d kill for a good therapist that I was comfortable with and knew I could trust right now just to talk this all out with. I just need to be better with controlling my emotions and not getting attached to people who aren’t going to be there for me. I need to rely on myself, not other people. so that’s pretty much all the emotions I’ve been processing. I’m still split on whether I should say anything to my psychiatrist about it at my appointment Tuesday. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I should, I’m just so scared of switching meds that might result in a very bad result like it has in the past, and I really don’t trust this new guy yet, so far all he’s done is prescribed the meds I told him I was already own, I don’t have any examples of his judgment on which to base a decision. But I realized today that it’s definitely worse than I thought, so at this point I pretty much feel like I have to, even though that scares me. sigh. okay, I think that’s all my feelings for now, I may come back and add more sentences while writing the rest of the post. but yeah, my day, let’s get to that. I woke up to my alarm at 7:15 and surprisingly managed to get out of bed without that much effort. Got ready, public transit was actually cooperating with my schedule for once and I literally made it inside the sanctuary 20 seconds before the service started, lol, can’t beat that. I had taken a seat next to this guy after asking if it was open, and we started talking a little, just bits and pieces during the service. and y’all, he was SO cute. Kinda preppy, wearing a polo shirt, but it looked classy, not douchey. so throughout the service (which I’ll get to in a minute) I’m like sneaking glances over to him. He just moved to Chicago, and it was his first time at the church, so we talked a bit about that stuff. And like, at this point my brain was setting off serious alarm bells (in a good way, lol) because finding single cute guys at this church is fucking impossible, and I saw my opportunity and knew I had to take it. So once the service was over I was just like “I’m never this forward, but are you seeing anyone? dating in this church is impossible because everyone’s already taken, lol” which he laughed at. He responded that he wasn’t seeing anyone, but felt like he wasn’t really in a good place to be in a relationship right now because he’s got some things he has to deal with, but if he was available he would *definitely* be interested, which he certainly did not have to add if he was just trying to blow me off haha. I said ofc I totally understand, and if he gets things worked out, he’d know where to find me. We left off saying we’d see each other in the weeks to come. So overall I’m declaring this a successful guy interaction! I’ve literally never done that before in my life haha so I’d say pretty good. But yeah the service was really good, started by talking about the beginning of Matthew reading the genealogy of Jesus (which is of course not terribly thrilling haha but that was the point) and then went to talking about how each person on that list had a story and how your story is going to impact the people around you if you allow God to work through you and share it. Really good stuff. And just to make it super awesome, they brought an ice cream truck and paid for everyone to get ice cream??? have I mentioned how much I love my church??? so so much, lol. these people get me. So of course I went down and got an ice pop before proceeding to the volunteer huddle, and it was very much appreciated. Once I was done I went to the volunteer lounge and we did our kick off, and then headed to the baby room. There were 3 of us in the babies and 1 in the walkers, but at this point we’d basically been combining them so it wasn’t really an issue. We started getting babies pretty quickly, and they just kept coming, and coming, and coming.....it was getting insane. and when I say babies I mean like infants, under 1 and either not being able to crawl or just starting to figure it out, and we were running out of rockers and just about anything else to put them in. So at this point it was getting to pandemonium very quickly. I think the final count ended up being 18 babies for 4 volunteers, which is NUTS. Thankfully our kids ministry people are super awesome and did everything they could to help out and took the crying ones on a stroller ride with the massive stroller they have, and that always helps. but yeah, in my 3 years of volunteering with the babies, this was the most babies I have ever seen. Like older kids? sure, I’ve seen plenty of those. but babies?? like those are sooo much harder and require so much more attention. so it was definitely a challenge. Apparently the reason for this was for some reason this service was absolutely flooded with people, with the sanctuary packed out and over 100 people (100!!! people!!!) in the overflow space, which is insane. no idea what triggered that, but definitely a good problem to have. so eventually the service ended and everyone got picked up, and after cleaning up I headed home. Commute home was fine, once I got here I had some lunch and was on my laptop for a bit before starting to get some work done, still doing case research so that’s at least preferable to writing for me, and I got 4 hours of work in so that’s good. I’m at 14 hours so far for the week from Friday to today, so to make 40 hours by the end of Thursday I gotta do 3 days of 6 hours and 1 day of 8 hours (or some similar combination) which is definitely doable, so I’m pleased with that. I finally stopped to watch the Teen Choice Awards, which I felt absolutely ridiculous doing, but I wanted to see Monsta X perform, so I stuck it out for them and was pleased with that. My roommate came home earlier than she normally does so we sat and watched it and mostly laughed at people. They ended up not airing like, the majority of the awards and ended it after two hours which was very strange. I could’ve sworn Monsta X got nominated for “Who Do You Love?” in like an international song category, but couldn’t find any proof of that anywhere, so idk. Of course BTS won every award it was nominated for, including best fandom, so no surprise there. Once it was over we watched the news for a bit and eventually my roommate moved to her bedroom and I turned to netflix and watched an episode of Sugar Rush before showering and starting to get ready for bed, and now I’m here. Ooof that was a long post, but I clearly had a lot to say. Hopefully tomorrow will be better emotionally and I’ll be able to figure out what I need to do going forward to take better care of myself. Until then, I definitely need to be getting some sleep since it’s just past 1 am at the moment, and I need to do at least 6 hours of work tomorrow, do laundry, and hopefully make a quick Walgreens run for face wash and milk, so plenty to do so I’m gonna go to bed now. Goodnight friends. Hope your Monday doesn’t suck.

[sizzleitupwithmaria]

the challenge is on, foolish mortal

1. how tall are you?

5 feet 7 inches

2. what is your body type?

i’m shaped like an hourglass but i’m also a lil chubby

3. what is your favorite part about your body?

i occasionally like my face and this is a little bit weird but i have pretty good tits

4. is your current hair color your natural hair color?

yep!

5. are you more outgoing or more shy

dude i’m shy af

6. are you more femme or butch?

i’m a pretty solid futch

7. are you tol or smol?

i’m tol bitch!!

8. wine mom or vodka aunt?

i feel like i’m a vodka aunt, but i’m also 14 and don’t commit crimes

9. weird habit?

i stick my tongue out whenever i’m super focused and i used to be really self conscious about it

10. favorite meme?

my current favorite is the shen yun memes but i don’t have an all time favorite

11. do you sing in the shower?

no bc the bathroom is right next to my parent’s bedroom :):):)

12. ever used a bow and arrow?

yeah i was in girl scouts for a while

13. are you/were you a theater kid?

see basically all of my vent posts and you’ll find the answer (i’m in a weird relationship with theater right now, but we’ll have to see how sophomore year turns out)

14. have you ever seen a broadway musical?

yeah!! i’m also seeing another one in 112 days lol

15. do you think musicals are cheesy?

some are, but that doesn’t make them bad

16. have you ever been part of a protest or a march?

yeah, i went to march for our lives last year!!

17. favorite cards against humanity card?

i don’t actually own or play CAH, but i like “Bees.”

18. last movie you watched?

newsies, but that was only to grab screenshots lol (maura will know)

19. behind the camera or in front of it?

both!!

20. favorite tv show?

uhhhhh frasier? 

21. meaning behind your url

sizzle it up with taako is a taz reference

22. reason you joined tumblr

i have no fucking idea bc it was so long ago

23. who’s your closest tumblr friend?

i’d say @baura-bear but i’ve also known her irl for 8 years? i don’t actually have any purely tumblr friends, feel free to hmu

24. what’s something most people love that you hate?

most foods

25. have you ever taken narcotics?

considering that i had to look up what that meant, the answer is no

26. have you ever had sex?

i’m 14

27. have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or anything bad?

nope, i lead a pretty boring life (i’d actually sneak out quite often if my bedroom wasn’t on the second floor)

28. worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?

i’ve told my dad that i love him before

29. describe your passion without mentioning it.

i’m currently at a crossroads with it and it’s pretty stressful for me rn but i’m committed to getting better and not crying daily over it

30. describe your best friend

i don’t actually think i have a solid enough relationship with anyone to have a best friend lol

31. give us one thing about you that no one knows

OH UHHHH i pop my acne?? that might be obvious if you look at my face tho

32. how do you feel right now?

pretty solid, i have a little bit of a headache and i’m a bit sad but i’m doing okay

33. what is your biggest fear?

failure, but that’s probably just bc i set so high expectations for myself lol

34. what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

breakfast in america by supertramp

35. what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?

maybe quitting band and strings in 5th grade or quitting track

36. have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?

OH YEAH but we’re not gonna talk about that right now

37. something you fantasize about

i always dream of living in a tiny nyc apartment with a beautiful wife and working at some nondescript company and shopping in my free time

38. last time you cried and why

??? i actually don’t know. i nearly cried last night bc my dad was nearly yelling at me, we’re not gonna get into that though

39. what was the last thing that made you laugh?

i put a stupid snapchat filter on my face

40. do you really, truly miss someone right now?

yeah

41. who do you feel most comfortable talking about anything with?

my own self?? i have trust issues lol

42. the last time you felt broken?

maybe this morning just bc i had a weird dream and was processing it lol

43. are you starting to realize anything?

yeah

44. are you more dom or sub?

sub, but just in general, i haven’t ever had sex

45. i’ll only date you if _____

you’re a woman? i don’t have many standards lol

46. do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?

okay this question is probably geared more towards adults but as a freshman, i’m fine with dating sophomores and juniors, and maybe 8th graders?? that’s a little iffy though

47. describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail

ummm i’m not sure if it’s a crush anymore but she’s tall, skinny, had black hair that she dyes often but it never shows, she dresses similar to me, she’s a photographer, and i think she might be into me :/

48. do you have any kinks?

yes but i’ll never tell anybody even if they paid me money

49. first thing you notice in a person?

uhhh their outfit?

50. how can someone win your heart?

by loving me a lot and dealing with my weird personality

51. been rejected by a crush?

i’ve only asked a crush out once and that went pretty well so no

52. have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

yes, who hasn’t?

53. would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

nope

54. is trust a big issue for you?

is the sky blue?

55. did you hang out with the person you like recently?

nope, we’ve been meaning to for a while though

56. is confidence cute?

sometimes, just don’t be weird to other people

57. what would you say if the person you like kissed another person?

i wouldn’t care LMAO

58. would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

probably not

59. does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?

maybe?? my interactions with her have been a blur lmao

60. ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

oh yeah

61. do you want to get married?

yes, but purely to flex the fact that i can get gay married

62. worst thing you’ve ever done?

idk probably self harmed

63. three things that turn you on

1. women

2. women

3. women

64. who do you hate?

nobody, really

65. favorite term of endearment?

sweetheart/love GET ME EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! if i ever write some romance y’all will see

66. who was your gay awakening?

idk if you count this as a gay awakening but once when i was like four i said to my dad “if i could marry anyone, i’d marry sarah” (one of my friends) (holy shit i just got kind of sad remembering her i liked her a lot and she had a cool family i need to see if she has an ig)

67. intimidating girls or kind girls?

both at the same time

68. what do you look for in a possible partner

women

69. do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

tbh the only styles that are off the table for me are hyper masculine and hyper feminine, anyone else is great

70. are you good at flirting?

i don’t have the confidence to flirt lol

71. who was the first person you came out to?

my friends ellie and lilli, at the same time, on accident

72. do you have any friends who are wlw?

the question is do i have friends that aren’t wlw 

73. is your crush wlw?

i believe so

74. last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?

this one junior boy who.... oh boy... he’s not hot at all but he’s so nice to literally everyone

75. write a short love poem to your crush/self?

i don’t feel like i’m attached enough to my crush to write a poem to them

76. do you fall in love easily?

i think so

77. is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yeah

78. are you good at hiding your feelings?

oh hell yeah, at least i think so

79. are you a forgiving person?

depends on what the person did

80. what is your type?

i don’t really have one? being taller than me is nice

81. fall asleep in her arms or tub her back until she falls asleep in yours?

both, with a preference for the first one

82. tall girls or short girls?

TOL

83. hugs or kisses

both, especially at the same time

84. twirl her around or get twirled?

both!!

85. tummy kisses or thigh kisses?

tummy!! thigh kisses are a bit too close to the pussy for my taste

86. hairline kisses or neck kisses?

hairline

87. play with her hair or stroke her tummy?

both!!!!!!!!!

88. making our or soft kisses

soft kisses

89. hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?

both, it just depends on the situation

90. how confident are you in your sexuality?

probably 80%

91. when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?

idk if i ever blush but i have to REALLY like someone to get butterflies

92. have you ever likes a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?

i have multiple times but i’ve only told someone once

93. how old were you when you realized you were into girls?

11 or 12

94. most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

idk, i tend to forget those things

95. do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?

i honestly don’t ship many lesbians lmao. can i count my own ocs? bc julia and emily are great

96. what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?

i don’t think i’ve actually had anything negative said about my sexuality directly to me, so i’m a bit lucky

97. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?

i honestly have no idea

98. what is love to you?

when we make each other happy

99. ask me anything

i mean my ask is always open if anyone wants to do this

thanks for listening to me be super gay and sad for a little bit

[purplesurveys]

378

For a change. I love Internet people for never running out of survey ideas.

Just say what you think of (doesn't have to be one-word answers) when I mention these. Quick, simple, just for fun. Curtain: I remember a story JM told us of when he nearly burned his house down when he was younger - he was flying paper airplanes but not without lighting the tips on fire. One of the planes landed on the curtain and I think it burned that particular room pretty bad or something. Door: I have a door to my right at the moment. It’s brown and I know my dog is waiting outside because I can hear his paws. Shoe: We went shoe hunting yesterday for Joacky, because he wanted a pair of the Nike Cortez. It’s widely popular in the PH right now so even though we visited like 7 shoe stores yesterday, we weren’t able to find one in the color that he likes. Pants: I finally got a pair of mom jeans yesterday and I can’t wait to wear it for school. I’m tired of wearing the same bottoms. Wig: I attended a workshop a few months ago where the speaker disclosed that she has leukemia, and she took off the wig she had been wearing the whole time to show us her head. I also remember the RuPaul Stans part of Twitter because they say ‘wig’ all the time...

Makeup: Kate made me her subject last Thursday and she played with my face and put makeup on it. Ended up feeling really pretty because she did a pretty awesome job. Instagram: I snubbed Instagram for the longest time but thought that a ‘one-pic-for-every-day-of-the-year’ dump account wouldn’t hurt, so I made one of those for 2019. My photography skills are absolutely nowhere to be found, and my gallery is super haphazard, but I really want to make an effort to store memories this year. YouTube: Hmm first thing I thought of was PewDiePie. I subscribed to the dude when he had like 60,000 subscribers eight years ago and only had a couple of Amnesia montages up. I always feel like a proud momma/early bird whenever I remember how far and how big he’s gotten since. Life: Exhaustion, mainly. It’s gonna start snowballing by next year when I graduate. It’ll be nonstop from there - facing the prospect of coming out to my parents, graduating, getting a job, getting my first credit card, moving out, paying bills...it’s all very exhausting, exhilarating, exciting, and overwhelming to think about. Chili: Gabie and I had Japanese for early dinner last week, and I was a little weirded out by the restaurant because each seat had a red chili pepper on the placemat? I’m talking every damn seat in the place??? Idk if it’s some sort of good luck charm for the owners but it made things very slightly unsettling hahaha. Cherry: There was a WWE Diva named Cherry like ten years ago who had the gimmick of a 50′s chick, I think...I was never quite sure what her character was supposed to be, but she had roller-skates every time she went to the ring and would sometimes wear outfits with polka dots so I thought she was pretty cute.   Neil: Armstrong. Haha I was going through Reddit awhile ago when I saw a video of Buzz Aldrin punch a dude who went up to him and said that the moon landing was a hoax. Not exactly Neil Armstrong but still a good story. Drive: I like watching car chases. It’s almost...therapeutic when the suspect crashes or loses control of his car and finally gets caught. Murder: I never got into How To Get Away With Murder. It’s too fast-paced for my life. I feel like I’m the only person who doesn’t understand legal concepts because so many people are able to catch up with this show even if Viola Davis speaks a thousand words a minute and they’re all really deep words??? Idk HAHAHA. I watched like two episodes and felt super dumb after. Ice cream: OMG I hate a la mode desserts. I’d eat anything, but I wouldn’t eat two separate things with different textures. Get your ice cream away from my brownie. Water: I can’t wait to go back to the beach. Hard: Hammer? It was the first image to pop up in my head. Anne: Harry Styles’ mom is named Anne hahaha the Directioner in me jumped out, sorry not sorry. Cow: There’s this video that went viral a few months ago of a girl who was playing the accordion; all of a sudden this adorable herd of like 15 cows come running up to her and just intently watch the kid. Wholesome af. Frog: Frog legs are served in some Philippine provinces. Tastes like chicken. Cheese: My lactose intolerant ass will grate half a block of cheese (exaggeration, but you get the point) for my spaghetti. That’s the only way to enjoy pasta. Bowl: Can’t really think of anything except that bowl cuts look so cute on babies hahaha. Television: Is something I never use nowadays unless I’m staying over at a hotel. Other than that, I cannot tell you the last time I held a TV remote control to change the channel or something. Skull: There’s an episode of Friends where Phoebe brings home a skull and nonchalantly sets it on the table where Monica, Rachel, and Chandler were hanging out. Chandler goes, “Pheebs...skull?” Phoebe says, “Yeah, it’s my mom’s,” and Rachel shrieks until Phoebe clarifies that her mom owned the skull, and that the skull wasn’t of her mom. Underrated segment. Rachel’s mini-meltdown was hilarious. Seasons: I had to watch Rent for film class several months ago. Terrible movie. Cemented my dislike for musicals. This is what I remembered because afaik this is the musical that has the minutes song. Language: I can speak two and can understand some archaic/modern Spanish because they conquered us for 300 years and subsequently ruined my country. Trump: McDonald’s. An international embarrassment. Chocolate: We found this AMAZING Chocnut spread at the mall yesterday. I had my initial doubts - I thought it was gonna taste like a cheap Nutella rip-off. But it tastes exactly like Chocnut, just in the most perfect spread-y form. I plan to finish the entire jar just with a spoon. Stove: I’m terribly afraid of using any and every kitchen equipment because I have a big fear of setting the house on fire. I only ever use the stove when I’m deathly hungry and I have to make something by myself. Toy: My family recently went to a kid’s birthday party that had giveaway bags with toys inside, but seeing as we’re all teenagers now who had no use for it, it was earning dust in the house. Now, the Philippines is abound with street children so when we went out yesterday, my mom gave the bag to a couple of kids who were knocking on our car. I know I’m not supposed to romanticize the situation, but they had the biggest smiles when they realized what they got and I saw them playing merrily at the side of the street and even invited some other kids to join in. Again, not glamorizing it - I’m just happy they were happy. Video: I could never run out of things to watch on YouTube. It’s one of my favorite websites, especially when bouts of depression have to happen. Kiss: It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, IT WAS ONLY A KISS. Glass: The glass section of department stores always creeped me out. One wrong move and you can knock a whole shelf down, and the ‘You break it you pay for it’ signs all over the area don’t help at all. Light: Light and queen come together in this survey and all I remember is Lightning McQueen. Queen: ^ Moon: Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Moon river, wider than a mile, I’m crossing you in style some day.  Blue: My organization’s color is blue, so I have a soft spot for blue. Cream: I like soups that are creamy. I say this because my sister had ramen yesterday and it was so oily and salty and fatty and creamy and ugh I loved it. Dead: The Misfits. They’re more horror than death, but still. Purple: My great-grandma loved the color purple and I remember when her house used to be peppered in purple stuff. All her dresses were purple. I’m fairly sure it was the reason why it was my favorite color as a kid. Lace: Underwear, hahaha. Cardboard: Gabie was munching on sunflower seeds when I picked her up last week. I’ve never tried those, so I asked for some and I said it tasted like cardboard. I’ve never eaten cardboard but I would imagine that that’s what it tastes like. Elephant: Majestic. Deserves to be saved and properly cared for. Harry: One of my fave members of the royal family. He’s so precious. Leather: Is bad. Paisley: Isn’t there a country singer with this name? Italy: Pasta and stuff. Joey Tribbiani. Immature: I saw the gun girl Kaitlin-something on Twitter because she got viral again for a dumb-ass tweet she made. She posted pics of herself in the snow and tweeted “Look at all this global warming,” like seriously America??? Wtf do they teach y’all in your schools?????? Crime: Raisins in cookies. Angel: I had a friend named Angel - talked about her a lot in old surveys. She migrated to Canada when we were 12 and I haven’t seen her since. We do follow each other on Twitter but all she tweets about is K-pop so I had to put her on mute. Great memories with her. Boil: When I read this tweet aloud in my head, what I did think of was Charles Boyle from B99. Key: Key lime pie. Never tried it, but I’m always down to try anything. Sacrifice: The Catholic schoolgirl in me remembers the crucifixion because textbooks and teachers would overuse the phrase, “Jesus sacrificed his life for our sins” or “God sacrificed his son to save the world,” and all those cheesy lines. It’s as though the Bible’s favorite word is ‘sacrifice.’ Larry: Punk and AJ’s dog is named Larry Talbot. Dog: ^ Psychology: I took one psych elective last semester, but the prof was average at best so it didn’t really win over the course as a whole to me. Psychology was one of my ‘what-if’ courses so at the start, I was excited about taking it - but the class that I had was just so boring and the prof gave tests that were way too hard for otherwise fairly easy topics, so I quickly ran out of enthusiasm for the class. Rag: I hate touching rags. Especially wet ones UGH. Sun: Hate it, unless I’m at the beach. Lips: My friends dragged me to the makeup section of the department store last week and there were rows upon rows of lipstick testers. As someone who’s never purposely browsed for makeup, I ended up swatching like 20 shades on my wrist and looked like a five year old who doodled all over her whole left arm. Cage: The UFC ring, because it looks like a cage. Alarm: I had/have several alarms set on my phone throughout today to tell me to start working on various deliverables. For example, I had an 8 AM alarm to work on my J 196 paper; then from 8:30 AM I had an alarm to compose letters that I needed to write as my org’s secretary; then at around 10 AM, my alarm was for finishing up my readings for Kas 154 (short for kasaysayan, which means history). Official: I have a batchmate from high school who just got engaged...she was honestly one of the weirder ones back then so as much as I didn’t want to judge, it was hard to take it seriously at first, but it’s whatevs. I have no business in her life and I’m happy she’s happy. King: I finished my history readings this morning and there were so many mentions of kings. Lost: That show. The general consensus is that they ended the show crappily, but other than that I know nothing about it. Dating: There was once a dude who joined a dating show. Ended up being a serial killer. I forgot his name though. Balm: I was at a Korean store yesterday and saw an array of lip balms and glosses. I was never much of a makeup girl but the collection they had was just so cute, it made me think if I should start investing in makeup as well hah. Tomato: Ketchup is my second least favorite condiment after mustard. Game: Hmmm I downloaded a bunch of new game apps on my phone because I recently realized that I’m so boring??? and I only have social media on my phone??? I got ten new apps to make my phone more alive haha. Lotion: Is slimy, but smells nice and makes my skin smooth and look better. I got two hand creams for Christmas last year and it was then that I knew I was getting older because I was genuinely excited to try them both out. Expensive: Everything is. Powder: Reminds me of babies. The smell calms me down so well. Cross: I was shopping for clip-on earrings yesterday and there were several designs with crosses on them, which just reminded me of Christianity and it kinda peeved me for like 3 minutes lol. History: My favorite subject. I’ve never been so excited to be dumped on with such a thick stack of readings until this semester. Sex: Haven’t had it in a bit, too busy. Rainbow: We watched a film called Rainbow’s Sunset, which was really promising because it told a story about two men, both very old, and are lovers. In a traditional, conservative, poisonously Catholic country such as the PH, it’s a very bold move to produce a feature film that tackled such a horrible, taboo, horrifying thing (please note the sarcasm/mockery). We didn’t escape the guffaws and the loud ew’s whenever the two leads would kiss, which was sad. 

Anyway that’s not my point and what I really want to say is that the film was ultimately terrible, it was terribly-executed and it portrayed gay men in such a cheesy manner which in the long run, probably contributes to the continuing negative image of LGBT people in the Philippines. Gab, the bigger film buff between the two of us, felt so offended by how bad the movie turned out to be lol. Bay: Bayley, from WWE. She was a huge star like 3 years ago, but I think the bookers ultimately fucked her character up and now she’s stale. I feel so bad. Seth: Seth Rollins, also from WWE. Also very attractive. Pepper: I had okonomiyaki for lunch yesterday and there was like a thicker chunk of pepper that made it to my plate. Didn’t particularly enjoy that bite. Necrophile: Katie Vick. Google it to believe it. Wrestling is fucking dumb. Gravel: Funnily enough I do have a memory for gravel. Akeelah and the Bee was one of my favorite movies growing up; I watched it so many times that I had chunks of dialogue memorized at one point. One of the first scenes had Akeelah joining her school’s spelling bee, and one of the kids spelled grovel as g-r-a-v-e-l. He couldn’t understand why he got it wrong so the judge had to tell him that the word ‘grovel’ actually exists and what it means. Deep: I had a mental picture of the ocean when I read this word, so there’s that. Stephen: Hawking. Bucket: Chum Bucket. Hahaha Spongebob forever. England: Rugby? Grown: I always use the term ‘grown-ass’ haha. Spell: Spelling was one of my favorite activities in grade school and I would always score the highest in spelling exams. Kind of led me to my favorite job of proofreading/copyediting, really. Bark: My dog barked at nothing for five whole minutes a couple of days ago and it was hilarious. I shot two minutes of it. Long: Trees? Fan: Pamaypay, or hand fans in English.

Australia: First things that came to mind were the Sydney Opera House and Vegemite. Iron: Gabie’s nose bled last week. It wouldn’t stop flowing out of her nostrils and it smelled like rust for a good 15 minutes while she was trying to wash all the blood off, so it didn’t exactly help my case as someone who’s squeamish to death at the sight of blood. Melt: Chocolate. Beanie: Too warm for this country’s climate. Wax: Candles. Vigils. Burning your finger. Staying up all night to pray. Catholic school. Disease: Zombies. Resident Evil. Cannibal: The band Cannibal Corpse. Tried to get into them because Punk listened to them but it was too heavy for me. Flight: Airplanes, flights, vacations, away from everyone, nothing to worry about, good food, fighting with my siblings for the window seats. Porn: People be having weird fetishes sometimes. The thumbnails I see on websites...some of y’all crazy. Pot: I thought about how college life is so crazy. People would sell brownies or cookies with weed in them IN SCHOOL, meanwhile I still don’t even know if weed and pot are the same or if they’re two different things ohmygod HAHAHAHA I’m so sheltered wow I’m hopeless?????? Style: Taylor Swift and that subtle shade to Harry. People were shookened five years ago. Floss: Pork floss is really good. Star: There was a local celebrity who recently tweeted a pic, supposedly of a tiny tiny star that was beside the moon at like 5 AM, and she was asking what it was. Someone replied that it was Venus and explained what she just saw for her. Super cool. Nate: I don’t know anyone named Nate. I DID, however, remember the Naked Brothers Band. The older brother is named Nat, so it’s close enough. Soft: Pillows are soft. Orange: Hayley Williams’ hair 11 years ago. Witch: Philippine superstitions and how crazy and obsessive Filipinos can get. My mom, one of the most rational, no-nonsense people I know, scolds me every time I mock witchcraft or what we call ‘kulam’ cos she believes something will happen to me if I do. I’m all for honoring our mythology and traditions but sheesh, not to the obsessive extent. Mound: Ants. Root: Gabie used to watch this show where she shipped two girls named Root and Shaw. Oil: Massages. Hot: Deserts. Disc: Childhood, blowing on it to make it work, double-sided discs for longer movies, if a disc had scratches expect it to die soon. Soil: Plants. Planting trees. Muddy. Ugly: That scene in Spongebo where Patrick tells the story of the ugly barnacle. “Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end,” which didn’t help Spongebob who at the time was feeling super ugly hahahahaha. Sugar: Maroon 5. Also, my grandma used one particular jar for sugar throughout my entire childhood. It’s plastic, it’s clear, and it came with a red-orange lid. I’d often eat sugar on its own so I saw that jar quite a bit and it gives me a sense of nostalgia. I’m not so sure if that’s still the jar being used in the old house. Bone: Ribs :( Been craving for some. Sigh: Air??? I don’t know. Throne: Game of Thrones. I had to watch a 26-minute documentary of a GoT production for my broadcast management class. It’s insanely hard. So much respect to everyone involved in its prod. Calendar: I’m secretary for my org, which means that I always have to update everyone about our calendar of events. Carpet: Fancy. Flesh: The Walking Dead. Cement: Dangerous. Vow: The movie with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. One of my guiltier pleasures. Sweet: Desserts. And now I’m hungry.