#idk how to react to being told someone wished for 5 years and those 5 years are up

[manchesterau]

my thoughts after reading my policeman: SPOILERSS of course!! (ignore spelling or grammar mistakes) (this is very ramble-y and not as in depth as it could have been sorrryyy lol, if you want specifics send me an ask after reading this)

okay...so i read the book in 3 days....which....im very proud of myself bc it takes me so long to finish books but that’s not why you are reading this.

im not going to lie to you...i liked the book. i love angst, and this had plenty of it and i liked it. if you like books such as: harry potter, six of crows, red queen, red white and royal blue you will not like this book. i know many people found it boring, which yeah i can see that, but i didn't find it boring at all. but mostly because i love boring books but that's beside the point. 

the book flowed easily, there isn't a bunch of raunchy sex scenes that ive seen people say it has (i...the things ive read idk what book they even read????) and Tom does has backward views on marriage and what it means to be a wife. but he is not overtly sexist or misogynist or abusive, or subvertly those things either. to be frank he's a scared gay man in the 50s trying to not get caught and thrown in jail. that's literally it. (ill go more into detail on him later). but if you want to read this book i recommend you go in knowing that there will be homophobia (the word queer is used as a slur....3 times or 4 but no more than 5), expect outing, expect not supportive characters, and remember to have some compassion (more on this later).

next i want to go into characters: starting with tom, then Marion, then Patrick, and then the other characters. so if you are planning on reading this book or just dont want to be spoiled them....don't read the next bit.

Tom:

I'm going to get this out of the way.........Tom (who we never get to know outside of the two-point of views we are presented with, and who is being played by Harry) is a police officer in the 50s UK. to be frank when the rumors first went around I was mad like a lot of people were, which is funny because when we got those pictures of harry reading the book before all the speculation we were....happy, that he was reading a book about a gay man. now...I don't care honestly. I could call out the hypocrites (i won't) and honestly I'm hypocritical myself. I use to watch shows like svu (if you were to turn it on right now I wouldn't turn it off) and I enjoyed watching svu. I know and have seen a lot of mutuals, people on my dash enjoy cop shows like b99, or who like actors who have played the character of police before. so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad at him (this is just my single black opinion) and then go and turn on svu (which I don't do anymore). 

I'm not saying that no one can be mad, I'm not saying that the anger people have at him playing this role is bad or not needed or valid. all I'm saying is.....is that I don't care. I got angry over this months ago, and all that anger I felt I don't have anymore, and I can't tell you why. Harry is playing an abusive demented husband who traps his wife in a simulation, and then he will play a gay policeman trying not to face persecution..........and that's that. nothing I can say will reach him, he's playing these roles and there is nothing I can do. will I watch them (pirating of course) yes.

anyways let's get back to tom's character (do not use my opinion to silence other black people I will find you....don't do that shit weirdo): tom is......tom?? like I literally was expecting the worst when I read this because of what other people had to say. but as I'm reading him through the eyes of Marion (his wife) and through the eyes of Patrick (his...true love, fuck the 50s I hate the 50s) one word came to mind constantly: scared. Tom is very scared that he will be found out and his life will be ruined. His family knows about him, which is why I think his father (more on him later) pushed him to be in the national service (where he was a cook, which disappointed him). you don't realize his family knows and then his sister says something and then you go 'wait....THEY KNEW???' and then you will go 'oh so that's why-' 

tom does have old fashion views that you would expect of any man at that time (gay or not it's the 50s and gay men are still capable of saying sexist shit). when asked by Patrick if women should still work after having a kid he said no it's the men's job to provide, Marion said she would like to keep working, he said no when they do have a baby (they literally never did, and idk why he thought he could be intimate with her for that long to produce a baby lol). that's....the most sexist thing he said in the whole book (there maybe some small things im forgetting but nothing that really stood out). that's it. I know it's not small and that was a legitimate issue in the 50s but yeah. Just in case you were apprehensive about Tom's character being a raging woman-hater, no,....he just wasn't a true feminist yet (???? I don't know that's like..the most this book says about an issue women were facing at this time). It's still bad what he said (you'll see how Marion justifies it in the book and both Patrick and her don't agree and try and challenge him on his view).

i dont want to go too in depth but it is very obvious from the beginning he has no and i mean ZEROOOO interest in her at all (you can tell when it hits him that he needs a wife and he starts to act a littleee different but it's not romantic at alll). 

i feel like my review on tom is shit but like!! we don't really get to know him without bias from Patrick and Marion. I think Harry will play a wonderful Tom (even tho he doesn't not fit the description for Tom...at all....like at alllll).

To summarize Tom: very scared gay man from the 50s who is trying to do everything he can to not be found out. his family knows, even he knew at a young age, and yes he does quit being a police officer but it doesn't happen as soon as id like but then again he wasn't one for that long if you pay attention to the years.

Marion:

😑 

i just...if yall could see the notes i made on her.....

To summarize Marion: SHE IS LIVING IN LALA LAND, TOM LITERALLY SHOWS HER NO ROMANTIC INTEREST AT ALLL, AND WHEN SHE METS PATRICK FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE FREAKING NOTICES THAT HE'S ALL BLUSH-Y AND SHIT LIKE...GIRL.....

this is a note i wrote that sums up her and tom's relationship (which is more like friends then anything romantic i mean god their honeymoon was horrible and he proposed to her....nvm 😑)

listen...i can't lie and say i didn't feel sorry for her up until the end when she (spoilers: she outs patrick to his employer which ends up with him getting arrested). after that...ive never hated a character more in my fucking LIFEEEE like oh my god i was pissed

all she does is have fantasies about him being romantic with her (holding hands, hugging, etc) and none of them come true...BECAUSE HES GAYYYYYY i really....the author could have done a better job because there were so many damn red flags.

she's fucking annoying and whiny and yeah it sucked to be a woman in the 50s but you literally outed someone your husband was in love with and thought that you could just go back to being married like he's not devastated and instead of telling what you did you stayed unhappy and made your husband thing that at any point they were coming for him too.......*****

Patrick:

PATRICKKKKK

Patrick and tom deserved a fighting fucking chance i hate the fuck 50s fuck you 50s!!!! I absolutely LOVEDDD his pov and seeing Tom through his pov like it was just so damn refreshing seeing the world through his eyes and how he navigates his queerness in the society they live in. (the dichotomy between a proud gay man and a scared maybe proud but fear overrules that (talking about Tom here) gay man).

There was a lot more to say on how gay men were being persecuted at this time than how women were treated in this particular book. There were some little things here and there about what was expected of Marion as a wife and of a girl/woman at that time but it wasn't the focus.

I loved seeing the way Patrick navigated through his world of art and creativity. And how Tom seemed to fit right in with him.

I hate the things the author made Patrick go through (outed, sent to prison, stripped of his job, and later on in the present day he has had 2 strokes in his 70s). it felt a bit much but it's not too distracting (Patricks pov takes place in the past as he writes in his journal). 

Patrick and Julia (more on her later) are my two favorites in the whole book (Tom is third bc he's a very multi-facted character, Marion is not even on the list) and I wish we got a lot more of Patrick's pov.

Other characters!! (speed round bc this is wayyy too long):

Syvlie (Tom's sister): SYVLIEEE IM MAD AT YOUU I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WHYY WHYYY

Julia: JULIAAAAA QUEEENNN (you'll see why i love her at the end) 

Tom's parents: his father is abusive point-blank. or at least i think he's abusive (verbally). as im writing this i am now realizing that the way Tom's mom reacts to him (sometimes crying) is bc they knew he was gay omg wow.

tom's dad is very much a man's man guy?? Picture a sexist man from the 50s....now picture him with a gay son.....yeah, I'm not surprised Tom went into national service then to the police force. you can tell he didn't want anyone to find out about Tom so he pushed him to do what he thought best and Tom went with it, scared. 

overall: please do not go into this book expected things to be all flowers and rainbows...this is a book about two gay men in the 50s yall.....

there is something to be said about the tragedy that is in a lot of queer stories, I'm more interested in how white these stories are (that's a rant for another time). but I don't mind my policeman, and i think stories like this should be told. because this actually happened (here is a link to em forster's story where the author takes inspiration from, he really had an affair with a policeman!!! who had a wife!!!).

the ending is bittersweet, and i couldn't help but curse for what could have been. Marion could have not outed Patrick (which she instantly regretted), she could have gotten a divorce (she even contemplated it), they could have been more secretive, Julia could have not said what she said. I think Patrick and Tom were sadly doomed from the start, I just wish they had more time together because I loved seeing their love (the little glimpse we got) bloom into something bigger than them.

thank you for reading!! here are random screenshots of my notes as i read this lol enjoy!!

can’t*

[fonulyn]

fonulyn’s 2020 in fics

this is kind of exciting since in 2020 I did get a lot writing done, and it marks the second year in a row that I’m able to actually make one of these posts after that horrible not good at all terrible disastrous three and a half years when I wrote absolutely nothing. so it’s a triumph to get another one of these up! personal victory haha.

in total, in 2020 I wrote 148 fics, ranging from like 200 words to 34k (idk if those short things can be called fics but i just did). by pairing, there’s

13 of Joe/Nicky

58 of Piers/Leon

56 of Chris/Leon

(1 with Piers/Leon and Chris/Leon)

5 of the ot3 (Chris/Leon/Piers)

11 of Krauser/Leon

3 of Wesker/Chris (lmao still can’t believe this)

1 of Chris/Leon/Krauser

so. in retrospect, i did okay. 

it’s over 300 thousand words and I am kind of. surprised. and that is not counting the approximately 50k of wips i’m ignoring :’D

I’d also like to take a second to thank everyone who has ever sent me nice messages, commented on the fics, left reblogs or kudos, and the like. you’re what kept me going, I wouldn’t have gotten even half as much done otherwise.

without further ado, links to all of the fics under the cut! they’re organized by pairing, and the links take you to tumblr posts (bc I’m lazy) and a lot of them have a link in the post that takes you to ao3. (also can you see I put ~~so much~~ effort into naming the tumblr ficlets :’D feel free to laugh at me)

Joe/Nicky

a dog by any other name | 1,5k | The one wherein they end up owning a dog.

within the heart a flame of desires | 5,0k | Nicolo watches Yusuf have sex with others, desperately wishing he was with him instead. Until things change. He much prefers having Yusuf all for himself.

the world will wait | 2,4k | The one wherein Joe takes a lot of naps and the whole team gets to relax.

catch this | 650w | Every time Joe gets distracted (by Nicky), Andy tries to take him by surprise.

nobody’s perfect | 1,9k | Even immortal warriors have their weaknesses, Nile learns. Those just aren’t what she expected.

only in these arms | 780w | Nicky has trouble sleeping alone. Andy is a decent substitute, but only when Joe returns so does Nicky’s ability to get a decent night’s rest.

(please don’t explain) that time in Malta | 580w | Nile doesn’t think at first it would even be possible for Joe to be embarrassed. By anything. Until one evening, they talk about Malta.

cool it down boys | 400w | Andy gets no sleep. She gets revenge, though.

cowboy, baby | 340w | Nicky has the fashion sense of a sack of flour, and he is fine with that.

that day is not today | 4,9k | They struggle through the whole lab-experience. It isn’t the time yet to forgive Booker.

tea, soup and tlc | 2k | The one wherein Joe is not sick. At all. Nope. He isn't.

two drinks too many | 770w | Nicky is a little drunk. Joe loves him anyway.

safe haven | 3,9k | The one wherein everyone gets quality cuddles from Joe.

Piers/Leon

it was you that I found | 23,4k | Leon doesn’t really do relationships. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he always seems to be so bad at them. Of course entirely by accident he manages to build one without even realizing it. 

unexpected visitor | 690w | Piers is forced on bed-rest. At least Leon stops by.

got me all tied up (never let me go) | 4,0k | Piers doesn’t like suits. Leon loves Piers in a suit.

not so subtle | 210w | “Soo, were you checking me out all night, or was that just my imagination?” Leon asks suddenly, Piers chokes on his drink in surprise.

nighttime fools | 4,8k | Piers and Leon get arrested for public indecency. It’s not their fault, honest.

piers isn’t sick, really, he isn’t (he is) | 670w | “Oh, hi,” Piers said immediately, a goofy smile slipping onto his face. Man, he was happy to see Leon. So happy to see him.  

so you’ve met Xena | 620w | “Xena?” Leon turned to look at Piers, decidedly unimpressed. “You named your dog after the Warrior Princess?“

you’re cute, you know | 680w | Piers took the opportunity the second their gazes met. He grinned, as charmingly as he possibly managed, and said “You’re cute, you know that?“

kiss the nightmares away | 470w | Sleepily Piers blinked, trying to make his eyes work properly. He squinted at the digital clock on the bedside, and its harsh red numbers that told him it was 3:30, and confusedly he turned to frown at Leon. “Why aren’t you sleeping?“

smooth talking, Nivans, very smooth | 1,4k | Piers can not control what comes out of his mouth.

dream a little (dirty) dream of me | 1,3k | Piers wakes Leon up. That's it.

your shirt is my shirt | 950w | With a sigh Piers grabbed the only shirt available that wasn’t battery operated and obnoxious. It was Leon’s, so old that the print had faded completely, leaving only faint outlines behind. And when Piers pulled it on he grumbled again, realizing how tight it was.

here for you | 620w | Leon can’t sleep, but somehow Piers makes his anxieties bleed away. 

grand plans | 260w | “Are you seriously going to wear that?”

new puppy | 430w | “Hey there little guy.” Leon bent down to pick up the little puppy, straightening again to hold it against his chest. His hands looked almost comically large as the dog was so tiny, and carefully he cradled it close.

a little bit funny | 850w | So maybe Piers hadn’t slept properly in days, and the sleep deprivation was making him a little hysterical, but he didn’t even remember when a stupid comedy would’ve made him laugh so much.

for now our time is here | 4,4k | When Chris had told them to wait up and left them alone for a while, this probably wasn’t what he’d been expecting, but the second he’d closed the door behind himself the tension that had been brewing between Leon and Piers had snapped like a cord.

wanting too much | 1,1k | “Fucking hell, never do that to me again,“ Leon huffed out, clearly relieved beyond anything.

the prettiest agent with the prettiest hair | 1,2k | Piers stress-braids. Leon doesn't mind. And besides, Piers always undoes the braids whenever he's done with them. Until one night he forgets.

you can be the air that i breathe | 1,0k |  It wasn’t the first time Piers got punched in the face by a gigantic BOW so hard that the hit sent him flying. It was, however, the first time he was sent careening off a bridge and into the river below. And it was, definitely, the first time Leon saved his life.  

before I found you | 890w | The second Piers realized that the spikes covering the monster actually came off, and it was able to shoot them towards its attackers, it was already too late for him to react.

you don’t need to stay | 950w | Piers did his best to take care of Leon.  And as much as Leon appreciated it, he didn’t want to be a goddamn nuisance.

need me, baby, just a little stronger tonight | 2,1k | Leon really has to practice perfecting his poker face. At least he gets what he wants in the end.

be my valentine | 920w | “Are you sure?“ Piers asked for the tenth time, frowning down at the bar of Fazer blue chocolate. “I still think it’s… not a lot?”

you're the world that I wanna discover | 7,5k | The one wherein they buy a house, fall even more in love, and Leon reaches a breaking point.

call me (tell me what you feel) | 1,7k | Leon is stuck at the airport. At least he gets a nice phone call with Piers.

incentive to stay alive | 1,0k |  "Hey, Nivans, wake up,” he tried, but there was no answer, and he couldn’t help but let the worry in his voice. “Piers. Don’t you dare die on me. Chris would kill me if I let anything happen to his best sniper.”

blanket hog Leon | 880w | Grumbling, Piers turned around, and as he’d expected Leon was cozily wrapped in at least four blankets, leaving nothing for Piers, who was currently freezing his ass off.

I give you all I am | 2,0k | “Leon?” Piers approached in quick steps, watching recognition flicker in Leon’s eyes as he lowered his own weapon too. Leon was slumped against the wall, hunched over and holding his side, and there was something feverish about his eyes. Yet as soon as he realized it was Piers he gave a shaky grin, even if that was all he managed.

why are the gorgeous ones always taken | 810w | Piers blinked his eyes open slowly, expression scrunched up, and it took a long moment before he managed to actually focus his gaze on Leon’s face. When he did, a smile immediately bloomed on his face, and he even tilted his head a little. “Have I died and gone to heaven?” he croaked out, his voice rough from lack of use.

still intact | 1,1k | It took a week before the level of painkillers was correct and Piers woke up with a gasp instead of a scream. And the first thing he asked was for someone to kill him.

of guns and ...guns | 270w | Leon likes the way Piers handles his rifle. There’s drool involved.

always fashionable | 540w | Apparently having a crush on the well-dressed, professional Leon translated into being absolutely fucking in love with the sleep-mussed and squinty Leon.

misplaced phones and revelations | 660w | Chris finds Piers’ phone. Which turns out to be Leon’s phone. The two turn out to be dating. Chris feels kind of blind.

yee-haw! | 1,0k | Leon rides Piers. Wearing a cowboy hat.

you’re cute when you’re angry | 620w | When he’s stressed, Piers washes the dishes. Angrily.  

want to drink (with) you | 1,1k | Piers is an embarrassing drunk. Leon loves him anyway. 

and each one of us is a path somewhere | 22,2k | Piers gets thrown twenty years back in time. Into Raccoon City, 1998. He’d heard about what Leon went through that night, but he never thought he’d have to actually experience it himself. Together with bright eyed rookie Leon.

hold me close | 560w | Leon falls asleep against Piers’ shoulder. 

goatee man | 890w | Piers thinks growing a beard might make him look more manly. 

promises kept | 2,9k | Leon finds out Piers isn't dead after all. He's just locked up in a BSAA research facility with no one allowed in to visit.

stay with me tonight (stay until the end of life) | 2,2k | Leon doesn’t know I’m contacting you, but a fair warning, because I’m worried. He was found unconscious on the bathroom floor at 10AM. They took him to the hospital, but he checked himself out. Look after him, okay?  

4am | 760w | “What can I say,” Piers grinned against Leon’s neck, “I was dreaming of you.” He had no reservations about moving his hips, letting Leon feel just how nice the dream had been.

caffeinated | 550w | Someone gives Piers coffee. Leon knows what to do with that excess energy.

and i'm you and you're me | 7,0k | The one wherein Leon and Piers accidentally swap bodies.

girls’ day in bed | 780w | Piers and Leon wake up one morning with boobs and other assorted lady parts. It’s a fun day. (Spoiler alert: they have a lot of sex.)

worlds apart | 3,2k | Krauser kidnaps Piers to lure Leon to him. (feat. past Krauser/Leon)

not again | 530w | Watching Piers’ mutation brings Leon some very unfortunate flashbacks. (feat. past Krauser/Leon)

gorgeous | 300w | Piers calls Leon gorgeous.

the most comfortable pillow | 350w | Leon falls asleep with his head on Piers’ lap.

beautiful | 840w | Even after losing an arm and ruining half of his face, Piers is the most beautiful thing to Leon.

as seen in adult films | 580w | Piers doesn’t know one damn thing about dishwashers. He volunteers to fix one anyway.

never letting go | 260w | Leon is goddamn comfortable right here. He isn’t going to move a single inch.

nose kisses | 390w | Piers is cute when he’s cranky. Just ask Leon.

no other half could ever make me whole | 6,3k | The one wherein they get a scare and there's a proposal.

the luxury of being held | 690w | The fabric of Piers’ hoodie is the perfect place to hide. (feat. Theo’s amazing art)

just one step from heaven, one step from paradise | 2,7k | The one wherein Piers makes sure Leon doesn’t freeze, and they enjoy their vacation.

all is fair in war, love and Mario Kart | 600w | Piers sucks at Mario Kart.

Chris/Leon

if i never see all my dreams come true, the one that mattered the most was you | 5,9k |  Chris enlists Leon’s help on a mission as a clever ruse to make the man take a break he so obviously needs. 

and I don't want to know how slow the time must flow | 11,1k | Chris and Leon try to fight their way out of a castle and feelings take over.

you are my heart, you are my home | 3,2k | Chris is sick, and he’s being extra dramatic about it.

from the gates of longing | 5,5k | Chris volunteers to take Leon home, but ends up getting a lot more than he bargained for.

how to accidentally get adopted - a guide by Piers Nivans | 2,3k | Piers accidentally keeps calling Chris dad, and Chris and Leon sort of unofficially adopt him.

right here by your side | 1,9k | When Chris shows up to check up on Leon, four days into his self-imposed flu-exile, at first Leon wants to just throw him out. But then it turns into a relationship-building moment and suddenly he can’t mind all that much.

about time | 1,8k | Leon is freezing. Chris warms him up.

yet you'll lose yourself in me | 3,3k | The one wherein Chris is generously proportioned and Leon kind of loves it. (whispers: size kink)

beyond tomorrow | 1,7k | Leon ends up in the hospital after a mission, Chris hurries to see if he’s okay. Claire is already there.

look at those heart-eyes | 180w | Quickly Chris shook his head, reluctantly pulling his attention away from Leon.

there’s a cat in the sink | 220w | “There’s a cat in the sink, and we don’t own a cat.”

from the future | 300w | It’s 1998 and Leon comes face to face with himself, from 2017.

surprise redfield | 250w | “Don’t worry,“ Chris says, nonchalantly as if it’s an everyday occurrence that he’s standing in Leon’s kitchen.

need this feeling to last (there's no denying) | 2,4k | “Why don’t you fuck me yourself, you coward!“

something solid, something good | 520w | Chris was so warm, and that together with all the glorious skin-on-skin contact made Leon happily sink back into the embrace.

come closer | 520w | Leon is done with Chris being so careful around him.  

your arms around me | 690w | Chris woke up cold and alone.  

a needed break | 440w | Sometimes Chris got so single-mindedly stuck on a task that he forgot everything around himself.

the iron maiden | 820w | Suddenly it was hard to breathe, like he couldn’t fill his lungs with oxygen no matter how much he tried, to the point that his vision started to get blurry. 

robin hood: chris in tights | 480w | Chris’ face was twisted into a theatrical grimace as he tugged a little on the green tights we was wearing. They were like painted on and although he didn’t really have body issues in general, he couldn’t help but feel self-conscious about it.

luckless romance | 4,0k | Leon and Chris turn a drunken argument into something better. (Please note: The link takes you to the last part of six.) 

take my hand | 920w | The worst part, by far, is not seeing anything. There are sounds, people talking like he isn’t even in the room, machines beeping and doors opening, quick busy steps against the floor.

let me take you to the edge of the stars and back again | 3,0k | Chris takes his sweet, sweet time before he gives Leon what he wants.

I’m going to seduce you | 1,1k | Jesus Christ, they’d had sex. Leon groaned again, this time less because of the headache and more because he felt so unbearably dumb. He’d probably had the best sex of his life, and he couldn’t remember it.

a little help | 430w | Those fucking idiots, Claire thought for the millionth time, as she watched her brother give the biggest dumbest heart eyes at Leon, who was blissfully oblivious about everything going on around him.

the way to anyone’s heart (the answer is food, good food)  | 2,4k | Chris asks Leon to teach him how to cook. (Spoiler: Leon doesn't know how.)

oh the horror | 270w | “I seriously don’t understand why you want to watch this shit,” Leon groaned, pressing his face into Chris’ chest.

jealousy | 670w | Chris swallowed hard, downed the last of his beer, and took the leap. “I’m jealous okay.”

twist me up | 510w | Sure Chris had always known that Leon was flexible. Sure he had seen him even do these weird-ass yoga poses more than once. There was nothing new to it.

meet the parents | 600w | Leon brings Chris home for Christmas.

precious cargo | 930w | Chris lugs Leon around like luggage.

it's always been you | 870w  | The hardest thing for Leon was when someone he cared about was in danger but there was nothing he could do about it. And then Chris fell into a ravine.

come away with me (to another world) | 2,0k | Leon finally gets a vacation.

first time sucker | 930w | “I don’t know, because it’s fun?” Leon said. “I promise you, you’re missing out.”

read my scars | 1,9k | Chris learns about Leon's scars.

battered and bruised | 650w | Ignoring the bruises and scrapes he had, Chris turned around and sprinted towards Leon, gritting his teeth against the strain moving put on his side.

a different kind of proposal | 500w | “If you keep fucking me this good,“ he breathed out, unsure if Chris even heard the words, “I’ll have to marry you.“

welcome home | 370w | The door had barely fallen shut behind Chris when Leon was in his personal space, grabbing him by the lapels of the trench coat he was wearing so he could pull him in close for a kiss.

I’d always choose you | 280w | Ada was something they didn’t talk about. When someone, anyone, brought her up Leon clammed up and changed the subject. And Chris had tried to be understanding, had tried to be patient, had tried his very best to respect Leon’s boundaries with this. But Chris was only human.

fuck or die | 1,7k | Chris gets hit by a weird plant, and his hard-on just will not go down. Until Leon takes matters into his hands.

i need a hug | 470w | “I think,“ Leon sighed, but then it was like all fight bled from him and he slumped a little forward. “I need a hug.“

oh no there’s only one bed | 990w | “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just one night. I’m sure you’ve slept with worse persons than me.”

the butt that became a pillow | 420w | Chris falls asleep on Leon.

like father like son | 2,8k | Leon finds out he has a son.

monster magnet | 1,1k | Leon didn’t know when it had become something he recognized so easily. When had it become so normal for mutated creatures to look at him with such unadulterated lust.

please be okay | 620w | Leon faints from sheer exhaustion. 

like father like... grandson? | 4,1k | Liam proposes to a girl but ends up with Piers anyway. Chris and Leon are the friendly neighborhood grandpas. Their grandson is adorable, and Leon thinks he takes after him. Obviously. (feat. Piers/OMC)

black lace | 790w | Chris gets to come home to Leon in thigh high black lacy stockings and matching lingerie, instantly sending Chris’ brains into an overdrive.

at least let me help | 790w | Leon opens the door an inch, Chris uses the given opportunity to slam it wide open. Metaphorically speaking.

bridal style | 200w | Leon refuses the medical check up. So Chris carries him.

dance with me | 1,0k | Wedding planning with two schmoopy idiots in love.

drunken cravings | 480w | Chris and Leon are drunk, hungry, and incapable of cooking.

blow me | 650w | Chris gets his brains sucked out through his dick.

Claire knows best | 610w | Chris tries to set Leon up with Claire. Then Claire does set Leon up with Chris.

chase the demons away | 940w | Chris struggles with nightmares, Leon is there to hold him through them.

dance me to the end of love | 550w | Leon struggles to learn to dance.

Piers/Leon, Chris/Leon

fate changed (we keep loving as if the story isn't over yet) | 34,3k | In hindsight, Leon knew the second he opened the door and saw Chris standing there, dressed in his service uniform, mouth pinched to a grim line and unable to meet Leon’s gaze straight. There was only one logical reason for it, only one way to explain why he was standing there like he would rather be anywhere else, and Leon almost slammed the door right in his face. --  Or the one wherein no one really knows how to handle their grief, but somehow life goes on anyway. (I’m still so proud of this one negl)

Chris/Leon/Krauser

hearts beating fast (let's make this moment last) | 5,7k | Chris gets invited in for a threesome. The clever thing would’ve been to refuse, knowing his unrequited, helpless feelings. But then again, he’s just a man.

OT3

double the fun | 3,1k | Truthfully, Leon hadn’t thought his day could get this much better. Everything had gone wrong from the second he’d woken up and he’d already written the day off entirely, until the moment Chris had looked him dead in the eye and asked “How do you feel about two at once?”

of cuddles and blanket forts | 620w | Piers and Leon build a blanket fort. Chris would think they’re idiots, but they might actually be kind of brilliant.

hair straightener or waffle iron? | 310w | Chris and Piers break Leon’s hair straightener.

the last piece of the puzzle | 2,7k | The one wherein two becomes three.

not alone | 2,3k | Completely on accident, Piers and Chris happen to be there to save Leon from a tight spot. Cuddles ensue.

Krauser/Leon

drive me crazy (your eyes made me crave for this) | 2,3k | It was the best sex Krauser had ever had in his life. That’s why he kept coming back to Leon, kept saying ‘yes’ every single time the man as much as hinted that he might be up for meeting. He was getting off, and he was enjoying every second of it, and that was the extent of it. There certainly weren’t any feelings involved. None. None at all. 

enjoying the view | 200w | Krauser likes ass-watching.

carry me to bed | 440w | Slowly Leon was coming back to his senses. Sweat was cooling on his skin, the hard surface of the table underneath him starting to feel uncomfortable.  

and I lied that we would be fine | 1,1k | Leon knows he isn’t supposed to be doing this. There’s a vague recollection of something more important, something he should be focusing on, but the vast majority of his world has narrowed down onto the slick slide of their bodies, on the cheap scratchy sheets on his skin, on the sound of Krauser’s voice in his ear, and he can’t bring himself to care.

yet never enough | 1,9k | Krauser likes mirrors.

of wanting | 400w | Leon’s laughter echoed in the room as Krauser pinned him against the wall, before shutting him up with a ravenous kiss.

better with you | 590w | Despite knowing Krauser had his back, Leon was genuinely surprised when the man sat down right next to him instead of telling him to suck it up and get moving.

breakfast | 530w | Lately things had slowly begun to shift. And Leon wasn’t sure yet what was going on. Or how he felt about it.

kill me now | 900w | It was more than clear how much Krauser enjoyed their frantic attempts to kill one another, and Leon’s traitorous body shivered in response, the memory of times long gone returning like no time had passed at all.

lust that I've already spilled | 1,4k | “C’mon, Leon,” Krauser taunted, grinning as widened his stance. “This cock isn’t gonna suck itself.”

will you just look at me | 650w | Krauser refuses to do feelings.

Wesker/Chris

I am the light that shall lead you to darkness | 1,8k | In all honesty, Chris wasn’t entirely sure how he’d ended up here: a panting mess, bent over a massive wooden table with Wesker holding him down laughably easily. 

the light to drown in darkness | 2,0k | Wesker craves Chris. So Wesker takes Chris.

love-hate-(obsession?) | 470w | Wesker is a lovesick fool. If he wasn’t also a homicidal maniac, Jill would almost feel sorry for him.

[twinklecheeks]

Friends With Benefits (Jeff Wittek Imagine) Part 10

Summary: Jeff and Y/N have been hooking up for a while. The whole vlog squad assumes they’re dating and Y/N does too but Jeff doesn’t like labels. He eventually starts to express interest in Natalie.

Note: Planning on making this a multiple part series, depending on how good it does.  You’re 21 & Latina in this (maybe) series. Also, I’d like to apologize for the typos, if there is any. I’m just illiterate lmao.  

Side note: I am SO SORRY I’ve been MIA since May? June?. I was planning to write chapters throughout the summer but this quarantine thing really affected my mental health. I hope you guys understand. Also, I’m starting my last semester of college next week so Idk my posting schedule.

Warnings! Pregnancy

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 , Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

Word Count: 2.1k

Okay so now that y/n and Jeff had a rather… Interesting time in Big Bear, they end it with bad news…. And Jeff still hasn’t told his parents about y/n. Christmas is in less than a week! What can go wrong?

12/20/19

Y/n: JEFF. YOU NEVER TOLD YOUR PARENTS THAT I WAS PREGNANT???!

Jeff: hey hey hey, can you calm down. Knowing the piece of shit I can be, I didn’t think I was going to be in your life. But look, I surprised myself!

Y/n: So absolutely no one knows?

Jeff: Karyn does…. Maybe my brother Steven too. Karyn basically knows the whole story.

Y/n: Are your parents going to be mad?

Jeff: Haha no. My ma has been begging me to straighten myself out and have a family. If they knew the whole story,... then they’d kill me.

Y/n: Is it just going to be us and the rest of your fam?

Jeff: Oh I forgot to tell you, Jonah’s family is coming too.

Y/n: Really?! Thank god. If it gets awkward, I can just stuff my face in the corner w/ Jonah.

Jeff: Don’t do that. You have to eat healthy.

Y/n: *gives Jeff a death glare*

Jeff: At least try to. Come on I just don’t want any other risks for the girls.

Y/n: Yeah…. I guess. What are we going to do if they’re deaf? I don’t know whether to choose the cochlear implant for selfish reasons or to let them grow up deaf and learn sign language.

Jeff: If they grow up deaf, we’re gonna have to take one or both of them to speech therapy and that’s going to be extremely difficult because they’re not going to hear if what they’re saying is pronounced right.

Y/n: Maybe we should give them the implant and make them learn sign language? I mean, it’s always beneficial to know another language.

Jeff: But we also have to remember that there’s a chance the implant won’t work and they’re going to have to grow up deaf. Also, remember that there’s a possibility that only one of them is born deaf.

Y/n: I hate how we’re talking about this before Christmas. I thought this was supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

Jeff: It is but hey, if my ma gets mad at us, we’re breaking the ice w/ the babies possibly being deaf.

Y/n: JEFF.

Jeff: Oh shut up you know you would do that too w/ your parents.

Y/n: *rolls her eyes* I mean… you’re not wrong.

Jeff: Now hurry up and pack your stuff. We have an early flight tomorrow.

12/21/19

*At the airport w/ the Antonyan’s*

Suzie: I can’t believe we’re spending Christmas in New York!

Jonah: It’s gonna be so cold there though.

Vardon: Shut up Jonah. It’s a free present from David.

Jeff: Hey I’m gonna give y’all a heads up that my parent’s do not know that y/n is pregnant.

Everybody: *looks at Jeff for being a dumbass*

Suzie: You’re so stupid.

Jonah: I agree

Jonah’s mom: She look like she gonna give birth tomorrow and you no tell your parents?!

Jonah’s dad: You in big trouble Jeff

Y/n: *Laughing*

Jeff: Let’s just get on the plane.

*They arrive in New York*

Y/n: Jeff, we can’t just show up to your parent’s house and they see how pregnant I am. It’s going to ruin Christmas!

Jeff: Don’t worry. I’m sure they're going to be fine. I think.

Y/n: JEFF.

Jeff: *sees his older sister* Hey look it’s Karyn!

Karyn: *moves Jeff out of the way* Oh my god y/n! Can't believe you’re having twins!

Y/n: Jeff hasn’t told your parents about me yet.

Karyn: *turns to Jeff* JEFF ARE YOU FUCKIN STUPID

Jeff: Hey can y’all wait to yell at me after we leave the airport. People are staring

*In the car*

Karyn: Jeff I know I gave you a deadline to tell Ma and Pa but that didn’t mean to WAIT UNTIL THE DEADLINE.

Jeff: Everybody just loves to yell at me today

Y/n: How do you honestly think they’re going to react.

Karyn: They probably think Natalie is gonna come

Y/n: *getting madder by the second* THEY KNEW ABOUT NATALIE AND NOT ABOUT ME WHEN I WAS WITH YOU BEFORE HER AND FOR MUCH LONGER.

Jeff: Thanks a lot Karyn why tf did you have to say that.

Karyn: Hey, this is your fault. Not ours. You have to think of a way to tell mom and dad.

Suzie: *sitting in the back* This is going to be an interesting Christmas.

*Jeff’s parent’s house*

Jeff: Here goes nothing. *opens the door* hey ma?? *looks around*

Karyn: Maybe they left to get last minute things for Christmas.

Y/n: Cool, gives me time to hide.

Karyn: Hun, everything is going to be fine.

*another car pulls into the driveway*

Y/n: Oh god I’m going to throw up

Jeff: How about you go to my old room and I talk to them.

Y/n: *walks to Jeff’s old room* What if Jeff’s parents are disappointed that I’m not Natalie? They knew about her and not me.

*Jeff’s parents walk in*

Jeff’s mom: My baby boy! I know it’s only been a month but I love it everytime you come home. Sorry we weren’t here. We were buying more food just in case. You didn’t bring Natalie?

Jeff: About that, her and I are done… for good.

Jeff’s dad: Oh well, that’s too bad son.

Karyn: *whispers* But he did bring someone else…

Jeff: *shoves Karyn* hey, shut it. Ma…. Pa…. There was someone else before Natalie… We went out for a while but I broke it off w/ her cause I was stupid and now we’re back together…

Jeff’s dad: Okay, I don’t see the problem? Is she here?

Jeff: Ummm she is… But there’s something else. She’s pregnant… and they’re mine.

*Jeff’s parents both laugh*

*Everybody else laughs nervously*

Jeff’s mom: Good joke, now where is she?

Karyn: Ma, he’s not joking…

*Jeff’s parents look at everybody*

Jeff’s dad: Oh Jeffrey, what did you do.

Jeff: No no no, everything is fine between us. It was ugly between us at first but now we’re back together.

Jeff’s mom: *processes* WAIT. Did you say “they’re mine” as in PLURAL?!

Jeff: Umm yeah. She’s having twins.

Jeff’s mom: I don't know whether to be angry or excited. I mean I’m going to be a grandmother again!

Jeff’s Dad: If he’s on good terms w/ her and is back together w/ her, I see no problem.

Jeff: Y/n you wanna come out?

Y/n: *Walks out slowly* Hii

Jeff’s mom: My god, how far along are you?

Y/n: 5 months

Jeff’s mom: *turns to Jeff* You kept this from us for HOW LONG.

Jeff: We can talk about that later but at least give a warm welcome to the mother of your soon to be granddaughters.

Jeff’s family: IT’S TWIN GIRLS

Jeff’s mom: Oh my god I feel like fainting but I won’t. Oh dear congratulations. I’m going to spoil those little girls rotten. *hugs y/n*

Y/n: Thank you so much. I was afraid of how you would react.

Jeff’s dad: His mom has been begging him to settle down for years. She finally got her wish.

Jeff’s mom: This is a Christmas gift I wasn't expecting at all but I am so happy for the both of you. Jeffrey is a natural when he spends time w/ his sister’s children.

Y/n: haha that’s good to know.

Jeff’s dad: Dear they’re probably all tired. Let them rest for a bit and we’ll go out later tonight.

*Jeff and Y/n take a nap in Jeff’s old room*

Y/n: Well, that went better than expected. I just wish my parents were like that…

Jeff: Babe don’t worry, they’ll come around.

Y/n: I doubt it. When my older sister moved out, they didn’t talk to her for a year but when our older brother moved out, my parents helped him w/ everything! All I’ve done is please them and I do one thing they don’t like and I’M DISOWNED?? QUE SE VAYAN AL CARAJO!

Jeff: Hey hey hey, calm down. You don’t wanna stress the girls out.

Y/n: I mean, at least my siblings are on my side but they live in Seattle.

Jeff: We also have like 20 friends who will always be w/ us. The twins will always have family around.

Y/n: I’m just wondering when we should tell them about the deaf thing.

Jeff: I think we should wait until after the holidays. Maybe in February? I just think we need our time to process and prepare ourselves for anything before it’s confirmed once they’re born.

Y/n: Yeah, you’re right. But February is my birthday though… I don’t wanna ruin the fun w/ that.

Jeff: Hurry up and get dressed. I have a little surprise for you but you have to close your eyes when you get in the car.

Y/n: Jeff please don’t send me into pre-term labor.

Jeff: Don’t worry. It’s nothing bad. I think you’ll love it.

*Jeff drives to Brooklyn*

Jeff: Okay we're almost there. Are your eyes still closed?

Y/n: Yeeees. Boy I’m getting impatient.

Jeff: We’re here. I’ll help you get out of the car. Okay now you can open your eyes.

Y/n: *turns around* NO FUCKING WAY. RIMINI’S.

Jeff: Yeah. I remember you sayin that you came to this bakery all the time. And that they had your favorite cookies in the world.

Y/n: Jeff. I haven't been here in 10 years. My grandpa would always take me here. I lived 5 minutes down the street.

Jeff: That’s why I brought you here. I knew how much it meant to you.

Y/n: I know you’re not proposing but I would’ve said yes in a millisecond. Now let’s go inside! I have to get their italian butter cookies and I’m bringing a bunch back to LA. I don’t know the next time I’ll  be able to come back.

Jeff: I mean, we’d be coming back quite often after the babies are born to visit my family.

Y/n: Okay but I’m still bringing a bunch back. You can’t get anything like this back in LA.

Jeff: But don’t go overboard w/ the sweets. You don’t want gestational diabetes.

Y/n: *death glares* You sayin I eat too much?

Jeff: No no no, you know what I mean.

Y/n: *pouts* But they taste so good :(

Jeff: Which means you should ration them as much as possible. Also, when we film for my channel, you might wanna hide these from Jonah.

Y/n: I swear to god if Jonah even THINKS about eating my damn cookies, I’m going to jail for manslaughter…

Jeff: Hun, what did I say about the anger. Don’t stress the girls out.

*Back at Jeff’s house*

Jeff’s dad: Well look who finally came back. We wanted to take you guys out but y’all left.

Jeff: Sorry pops, Y/n and I went to Brooklyn. She lived there until she was 11.

Jeff’s mom: Oh wow, I wouldn’t have guessed you were from New York too.

Y/n: Yeah, my parents moved my older siblings and I to Seattle because it was getting hard w/ the cost of living. Also, my grandfather passed away, so there wasn’t really any reason for us to stay there. My parent’s LOVED living here.

Jeff’s dad: Your parents are from New York too?  

Y/n: No. My parents immigrated from Peru. My dad came in the 70s as a teenager and went back and forth. My mom immigrated here in the 80s. They still have a bunch of friends here and they still know the city like they still live here.

Jeff’s mom: Why didn’t you invite them for Christmas in the city. I bet it would bring back so many good memories for them.

Y/n: *sighs* Well, we're kind of not talking at the moment… They were really disappointed when I told them I was pregnant. My older siblings are supportive though.

Karyn: Well that’s good that you have older siblings that will always look out for you. That’s why I give dumb dumb over there *points at Jeff* a hard time.

Jeff: What the fuck.

Karyn: They’ll come around eventually but even if it takes an eternity, just know that you have us now. We’re family! Even if Jeff somehow messes things up w/ you in the future.

Jeff: Ma can you tell her to stop!

Jeff’s mom: Karyn, stop bullying your brother.

Next chapter is CHRISTMAAAAS. (Don’t worry it’s already done. I won't post it for another couple of days) Also, some of the stuff in this chapter is kind of based on me. (Not the pregnant thing. I’ve never been pregnant lmao) But I was born in Brooklyn and the immigrant parents/ moving away thing is from my real life. (but not the moving away cause of grandpa. He was still alive for a couple years after.) But the cookies from Rimini’s… Will change your LIFE.

Comment if you want to be on the taglist!

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[randomnameless]

I don't know if this has been asked before, but I was wondering what your thoughts on Rhea are.

Oh, I don't think someone asked it, but I remember a character meme.

Rhea's in the Julia tier : you're expecting things and the game doesn't give you any.

you asked for thoughts so this is long and rather unorganised even if i tried a bit and i feel like i repeated myself a lot so meh

If Edel and Rhea have one thing in common, it's being shafted by the need to make Billy the most special being every with the monstrous "I was lonely before you player-chan uwu".

Seteth'n'Flayn ? In the same trashcan Hubert went in.

Catherine, Shamir, the randoms living in the monastery? Dgaf but still she's willing to die for them so does she really gaf or not? Rhea's willing to give her blood and crest stone shards (to this day I still don't understand what those are) to trusted randoms who would become cardinals? "uwu player-chan". I know I've written a bit about it with the seirelm anon, but with the Canon-ish info? Post Zanado Rhea told a random dude she could turn in a dragon, gave her blood to the same dude and remained in his empire/fighting by his side for at least 30 years. Still “lonely without U Billy <3″

I've written this in the meme entry, but Rhea has her own net of relationships. They're not as important as Dimitri and his childhood friends, but erasing them for the sake of "player-chan" feels wrong.

Role and goals

Rhea's in an interesting place, being a former "legendary hero" like Athos, Sephiran etc.

Still her fight isn't over, she only defeated Nemesis and couldn't end the mastermind behind (a bit like Seliph if you only kill Arvis or Roy when you forget to pick up every legendary weapon). Also, if Seiros killed Nemesis, she hasn't won. In the current Fodlan, she still has to pretend to be a human, the Nabateans as a culture/population are dead. They're still 5 (ish? I think the apostles are lizards), she's still afraid humans will dice them if they learn the truth. Has she won? Idk. Could she win and make a Fodlan were lizards and humans could live together? I don't think so.

Her role as the Archbishop? Well, the game really liked Rhea as a red herring during white clouds and the way FE16 is built, around the monastery, reinforces it. Rhea's the head of the monastery, so she's the head of your world. Everything wrong with the world is automatically linked to Rhea.

So, when Marianne complains about people wanting to kill/ostracise her because of her crest, thinking it's a curse, we of course wonder "why Rhea can't tell to the randoms that no Marianne shouldn't be killed/shunned because of her crest?". Completely forgetting that, hey, Marianne's from the Alliance and heiress of Edmund, so if some people should intervene, it should be her dad "why the fuck are you trying to kill my daughter" or the Alliance council "Duke Riegan, could you please make a public statement about my daughter and how she isn't some sort of demonic beast so stop throwing rocks at her?".

Same thing with the Empire, why should you blame the church and the crests instead of the people doing shit? Hanneman's brother in law? Like is marriage so absolute that a husband can force multiple pregnancies on his wife to the point of literally killing her? The von Essar aren't as important as the Bergliez, but Hanneman's sister dying like that should have rang some bells? Hanneman's dad didn't care? No one wanted to appeal to the Emperor or something? If Jane the random or Karen the peasant died this way, it’d be usual class nonsense. But a noble woman??

Rhea should have done more to prevent crest abuse. She wrote tenets in her Bible and apparently doesn't discriminate in her monastery. But in the other countries? Idk. Her tenets are interpreted like your shopping list by Gloucester Sr "and add a part where interacting with foreigners goes against Seiros's teachings what yes I know better than those dunces from the eastern/central church".

It's not because Riegan Sr and Ionius aren't doing shit that she should do nothing too, but ultimately it falls on the usual landmine about Rhea's influence and power over Fodlan and if we consider Fodlan isn't just the Monastery we see but a continent made up of 4 autonomous states...

The so-called status quo isn't upheld by the church alone (if it is upheld in the first place!), but also by the empire and the Alliance... Lambert was toasted before making any changes, the Alliance is that weird thing where money is anything and crests/old nobility doesn't matter anymore, and the Empire is... Well. The Empire.

Regarding this, I find it really strange that Rhea went to Goneril and rescued one of their slaves, with how much she cares about protecting her monastery and not antagonising anyone, picking Cyril up, risking the ire of house Goneril, feels really risky from her perspective.

Imo WC doesn't sell me the "church rules over the continent" take.

Ultimately it doesn't matter because Rhea thinks she should have done more, and abused her position as the archbishop to rez her mom - I understand the "abused her position" as regretting her various omissions, like helping more people around etc etc.

I also feel like Rhea’s got a big survivor complex, and tries to fulfill impossible tasks. "leading/guiding the world?" she won't take an active role in it, but still resents the state of current Fodlan and wishes Sothis could restore some order (crest abuse? Or relics popping up right and left meaning more sibs dying). She wants to :

1/ guide the world and make it a better place (why complaining about the wayward Fodlan otherwise?)

2/ protect randoms who live under her protection

3/ make sure no one learns the truth about her appearance and relics at the same time.

I don't think it's possible given her current role and especially not possible on her own.

About 3/, call back to FE9 or not, but Rhea's paranoia is... Actually, not proven to be exaggerated in the game.

Ranulf was lynched in Crimea when he was discovered to be a laguz? In a certain route, Rhea's called a cruel beast due to her appearance, accused of not having "human" feelings and is depicted as a creature masquerading as a human. Hate and attack the woman all you want for things she did or might have done, but getting rid of her because she's not human? Rhea's right about not revealing her true nature, because, relics notwithstanding, humans will try to kill her for being a nabatean. Relic wise, in the DLC, we learn Aubin was recently turned in a relic, so that's even more reason to hide.

On 1/, wanting to promote peace in the land? National bias at play with rewriting history “to promote peace” issue. Rhea also built the officer's academy (if nobles from different states can live and study together surely they won't try to kill each other when they return home because they might have become friends?) and with help from the everyone in Fodlan (even the empire iirc?) built the locket to fend off Almyrian invasions. Not saying this is the best way to protect your borders but at least she tried to help instead of staying holed in her monastery.

Imo if Rhea didn't care about Fodlan, she'd have followed her bros and fortified herself in her monastery without accepting random humans to live with her, wouldn't have written a book about how everyone had to get along "unless it goes against the goddess" and wouldn't basically run what seems to be the biggest orphanage/place for the needy/and whatever is the abyss in the continent.

Not saying she doesn't have a priority, but Rhea tries to care, on her scale, about Fodlan's randoms.

About said randoms (and 2/)...

Well there's this bout with Lonato's rebellion and another herring where Rhea's all "I will destroy anyone who takes arms against the church and its believers" and it's extreme, I can’t deny. But if Lonato took arms and mounted a militia to attack Ositia's castle and its randoms? Hector'd have Armads'd Lonato without a second thought. Elincia had qualms about taking her weapons against her own countrymen who were used by Ludveck, but in the end, she took up her weapons to defend her castle, even if it meant she had to kill militiamen. Rhea's line seemed random and cold in the context, but it's the same general idea, attack her people and she will kill you. Still, if you don't take weapons against her, she won't react violently. Duke Gerth is apparently dick waving with Aubin's relic, but Shamir wasn't sent to recover the thing or to get rid of Gerth.

Ultimately Rhea blows her cover and abandons her dream to reunite with her mother to protect the monastery and its inhabitants in 3 routes (arguably in CF too). Someone once made a post about the differences between Seiros's and Edel's crowns and the symbolism of wings - the IO's wings are meant to protect. The IO is the guardian/protector. Rhea tanks missiles and buys time for the students to escape at the cost of her life.

Relationships

Rhea and Sothis? someone made a post summarizing my thoughts about their relationship, or lack of, and if we can argue Sothis was shafted by the devs like Rhea and Edel, ultimately the only important person to Sothis is Billy.

Billy doesn't warp Sothis's preexisting net of relationships, Sothis doesn't have relationships with anyone save for Billy. Rhea wants to meet her mom more than anything else (save for protecting randoms) but Sothis will never address that plot point. She only does in SS and off screen, and it ends up with Rhea wondering if she should live... so take it as you want, but to me it mustn't have been the "hug and pat on the head" kind of reunion.

Ultimately we see Rhea is able to let go of her dream (rez mom) in several routes, she understands and acknowledges Sothis will never return and Billy has her powers now, so either she dies more or less at peace knowing she can trust Billy with Fodlan's future, or she can return to Zanado and live peacefully with Catherine.

Which leads me to the Billy relationship,

As much as I hate player pandering, it makes some sense that Rhea would support Billy and not, let's say, Caspar. I still hate it though because Billy exclusive support means we were robbed of Rhea's other supports with, idk, her fam, Cyril, Catherine, Shamir, Alois, Hanneman, Manu etc etc.

In the beginning of WC, Rhea's pretty sure Billy's Sothis but without memories. Then in the non-cf chapter 12, she tells Billy they know what they are and thus must guide Fodlan, also telling Seteth Billy's a vector for sothis's powers, but not Sothis herself. In SS's finale she calls them "mother" but in her S-support finally acknowledges Billy's their own thing.

In CF Rhea's vicious in her trash talk but immediately jumps to the conclusion that Billy cannot be or hear Sothis, because, to her, logically, Sothis wouldn't side with Edel and her Agarthian allies (stealing the crest stones, Flayn, etc etc). Billy is something that stole Sothis's crest stone and sword and wants to finish what Nemesis started. I don't think CF Rhea snaps because Billy isn't Sothis, CF Rhea snaps because, again, someone is using her mother to kill her.

Rhea's also supposed to have been fond of Citrus to the point of talking to her remains (something she does with her mom) which could explain her sympathy for Billy regardless of the Sothis project.

Jeralt's a different issue, apparently they worked together for more than 100 years but Rhea never told him the truth about her nature, only about how he was saved. Still, Jeralt betrays when his baby is "weird" and unlike regular human babies so... Would he have ran away if he learnt what rhea was? Dumped Citrus if he knew she was an artificial being? Idk.

Catherine Shamir cyril and pals (Alois)? We don't know bcs the game dgaf about anyone not named Billy. As I said above, It’d have been nice to get more interactions with randoms she is working with, or at least showed some care, but nope. “Player-chan uwu” strikes again.

Seteth'n'Flayn? Rhea's close to them, she gets out of her room to look for Flayn and Cyril and Catherine note how she seems close to Seteth (who's totally her bro), but again, the game hates us. FFS don't think she has a line with Flayn!

Secrets and explosions

Tied to 3/ and 1/ from earlier, Rhea keeps a lot of secrets which could justify her lack of relationships/supports with the others... but this argument falls flat, because she’s not the only one with a secret and if Flayn doesn’t seem to care that much about hers, Seteth does and is still able to support students and staff members. Which leads to tragedies.

The Christophe incident is not well documented, and while we learn Rhea was the target of Christophe’s attempt because Western peeps told him so, it is not very well explained why she didn’t execute him on those grounds instead of falsifying charges about involvement with the Regicide. We are told it was to stabilise the Kingdom, but I still don’t know how the Kingdom would have suffered backlash if Rhea told the truth (maybe it would have led to open conflict between the western church and the central church in the kingdom, when the kingdom needed stability at that point? idk).

Still, Lonato wants revenge for Christophe, not because he was executed on false charges, but because he died ; imo, if Lonato learnt the truth, he’d still be out for Catherine and Rhea’s head.

Aelfie’s gambit is more of a direct result of Rhea’s secrecy, because she had “no words” for him about why Citrus was still in pristine condition, he gave up and tried to rez her. Would it had been different if she told him what Citrus was (and by extent, what she was)? Idk. Maybe, maybe not.

Still, Rhea doesn’t keep secrets from everyone every time - she once trusted Willy and told him about her alternate form and it exploded 1k years later, when Willy’s descendants are out for her head because she’s a creature masquerading as a human (I know mole people also played a part, but I guess it sticked more with Edel and the gang who already knew Rhea was a dragon ; trying to convince a random that “hey, this woman is a dragon !” would be more difficult). CF-wise again, Rhea trusts Billy with the SoC and, again, it explodes. In CF Rhea feels betrayed, she trusted some people and now the very same people (or their descendant in Edel’s case) are trying to kill her.

So it’s not a case of someone never trusting anyone, it’s someone trusting some people and regretting it afterwards (in both routes + CF at least, even if I firmly believe the “evil lizards ruling over the world” spiel doesn’t come from Willy, but from later emperors influenced by mole people).

There can also be a point made for Aelfie, who might have been able to merge with Citrus to create an umbral beast because he had Rhea’s blood and a crest stone shard - Citrus being a fake Nabatean and Aelfie having a crest stone + blood might have produced CS’s final boss? Rhea trusted Aelfie with a crest stone shard and her blood, and he became an umbral beast.

Interestingly, Rhea is hell bent on keeping her secrets regarding her identity, in SS Seteth has to beg her to reveal everything to Billy when Billy is the most important person in the world “uwu” or at least, the only person Rhea supposedly opened to. Even the “uwu” factor isn’t enough, on its own, to make her reveal the truth about her identity.

She gives Claude half-truths, and has to be on death’s door to tell him everything - still occulting Seteth’n’Flayn, to the point where Claude later wonders if there are other children of the goddess around.

Vengeful Rhea?

Rhea isn't a stale piece of bread like Julia. She says mean words to Nemesis but also brutally kills him. Rhea cannot forgive the Elites. I know it's very different, but Julia "dad is the kindest man I ever knew" making a 180° “i must atone for what dad did eff him” will always make me throw up - she doesn’t have to be vengeful or try to stab Seliph with a butter knife, but no acknowledgement of “dad’s the bestest” after his death, or even, of his death is meh.

To Rhea, Nemesis and the Elites are a trigger point, and everything related to Zanado. CF!Billy using her mom’s powers is like Nemesis, CF!Billy + Edel pillaging what remains of her siblings in Nemesis’n’Dudes. Flamey doing his shit with Flayn also parallels that. There’s the usual “vengeance sucks” speech to be given, but also the Tellius verse where Laguz aren’t depicted in a bad light when they want to destroy Izuka or when Tibarn learns Lekain was responsible for Serenes’s massacre.

Still, unlike Tibarn’n’pals, Rhea, unlike Macuil, doesn't seem to hold a grudge against descendants of the Elites. Maybe she had faith in them when she told them not to abuse the power of their crests, but then their descendants forgot or didn’t care and we’re in the so-called crest system.

In SS, Seteth asks the BE students if they want to return home to the Empire and how he won’t hold it against them. Seteth’s being Rhea’s right hand bro in this situation, I doubt he’d have proposed this solution without her approval.

She is vengeful and ready to pursue for more 90 years someone to kill them, but she won’t target that someone’s descendants or potential allies. I’ve read some takes about the Western Church being razed to the ground after Catherine’s paralogue, but iirc, Rhea’s only going to execute the Bishop there ; they appoint a new bishop in hopes to ease the relationships between the central and western church. There’d be no point to appoint someone to rule over a body that doesn’t exist...

Grey waves

Wave 1 : Another parallel with Edel is the will to sink in troubled waters to reach their goals.

However, Rhea stays on the surface.

Aelfie thinks Seiros failed to rez Sothis with the chalice because she didn't take more blood from the apostles. Blood rituals are creepy and gave an umbral beast. Seiros didn't pursue and sought another mean to rez Sothis without killing her bros. Rhea makes homunculi to host Sothis's soul? It fails but the homunculi isn't destroyed asap to make another one, hell, Rhea cares about them (which is all kinds of fucked up on its own).

AM wise, iirc, Seteth and Catherine say Rhea'd never forgive them if they run to save her instead of saving randoms first.

Still, making homunculus to create a vessel for her mom - making artificial lives - is problematic, she’s ashamed of it “i did questionable things” and Seteth berates her on her “questionable” experiments.

CF!Rhea eats babies during the final map. She burns the city to make her last stronghold and refuses to run away. CF!Rhea, at the end of this route, completely abandoned goal 1 2 and 3. She wants to survive, yes, but to recover Sothis, no matter how. She still seems to care about humanity, but takes everything too literally and is persuaded humanity and humans are after her to hurt her and her mother (i’m pretty sure uncle Arry was waiting with his Agarthan tech suitcase for Edel to deal with the beast in the background). Contrary to CF’s chapter 12, Endgame!Rhea doesn’t have lines when Catherine and Cyril fall. She’s still siding with humans, but she’s in this for herself now.

Of course, CF!Rhea is special, because CF!Rhea lives again through her trauma, CF!Rhea lost her home, her bro and niece a few chapters ago, she lost her human allies, apparently some peons from her church are deserting and Uncle is waiting with his portable electric saw to turn her in a shiny sword, because she trusted a corpse with Sothis’s heart and spine and trusted a human 1000 years ago with her secret. And now said corpse follows someone who rings at her door with an army, wishes to obliterate her unless she surrenders (?) and works with Uncle and his dubstep pals.

In the other routes, Billy doesn’t want to killer her with her mother’s spine and tries to defend her home, Seteth’n’Flayn aren’t forced into exile or dead and depending on the route she gets to see Uncle and his dubstep friends being buried under rubble.

Troubled waters to reach her goals also include slowing Fodlan’s technological advancements (but was it really slowing down Fodlan’s R&D’s department or cliking “no” when Mole People offer a free (for now) new technology that makes you advance from bronze age to the industrial era in one go?)

Wave 2 : Rhea’s anchored in the past, she wants to return to happier days with her mom and her family, but also wants to help randoms in Fodlan

She doesn’t seem to mind the present where humans do whatever they want, and yet will protect her people and tries (or tried since it’s history) to keep Fodlan safe.

I think the game wanted to tell us Rhea’s stuck in the past, but she also manages to form bonds (albeit fickle) in the present with Catherine, Shamir and, arguably, Cyril. Seteth’n’Flayn accept the past and try to move forward, Rhea cannot and yet is making baby steps forward, or at least to live in the present. “uwu factor” is supposed to mean Rhea’s stuck in the past and can only see Billy for what they are once she accepts to live in the present, but Rhea’s already fond of Catherine, calls Aelfie her child, was fond of Citrus and Jeralt, makes time for Cyril, etc etc. It’s not as clear cut as drinking tea with them but it’s still something that quashes the “lonely B4 U player-chan uwu”.

Rhea thinks her biggest grey wave is how she didn’t do enough for Fodlan and feels inadequate to walk in Sothis’s shoes as the guardian/protector of Fodlan - she could have done more, but she’s busy juggling with three goals, rez mom, protect fodlan, protect the fam.

I think one of her main issue (but the game was also made this way so) is to try to reach those goals alone, save for the “rez mom” goal, everyone in Fodlan, especially the heads of the three states should be concerned with keeping peace in the continent!

Lambert was BBQ’s, Riegan’s busy shitting on Gloucester and Ionius is... well, Ionius. Add to that Mole People starting up shit all around the continent and you have the recipe for a disaster. I’m not saying Lambert and Ionius should have participated to the “protect her family” goal, but at least not trying to eradicate them to turn them in relics would have been nice, sadly Ionius’s bro in law was an Agarthan.

Even if she is nearly immortal compared to a human, Rhea can’t do everything on her own. That’s why I ultimately think a SS ending is doomed to fail, Billy will try to be Rhea 2.0. and in 1000 years it will fall apart again.

AM ending? Billy will become like Rhea was post War of Heroes, but when Dimitri’s descendants start to do shit, his Kingdom disappears and humans start to return to their usual shitty selves, what will Billy do?

VW ending is kind of the same, Claude wants to open the borders and make everyone able to live regardless of their differences, but what if 940 years later an Almyrian president decides to build a wall between Fodlan and Almyra and make Fodlaneses pay for it? What is immortal Billy, who knew Claude and his ideals, going to do?

Wave 3 (lol i nearly forgot but remembered when i was rambling in the tags) : Rhea and technology !

The DLC book and Word of God said she slowed advance of technology in Fodlan to protect peace etc etc. But there’s a book where a cardinal said “eff to autopsies else people won’t rely on us with faith magic” which is... kind of weird. There’s a reason why Rhea might have approved that ban (Why does Freikugel look like a hip bone?) but it still deprived Fodlan’s randoms from the scientifical advance of autopsies... and made people reliant on faith magic.

Actually, the book goes

“Though it is widely believed that this is medically relevant, such actions upon a corpse are considered desecration of the dead. Since white magic can be used to a similar end, autopsies were deemed taboo. A notable cardinal asserted that if medical science were to excel over faith-based white magic, it would destabilize the foundation of the church “

I already pointed out the WTF between faith and white magic (Seteth doesn’t believe his mom is real so he has no faith boon) but interesting to note “desecrating the dead” is still something of an argument nowadays, not regarding autopsies but other practices like anatomical theaters etc etc. Maybe White Magic isn’t intrusive and yields the same results? idk.

Interesting to note, it’s a cardinal who edicted/justified that ban (Rhea as the head of the Church would have given her approval oc). As pointed out with the Freikugel example, Rhea’d have a personal interest in preventing humans to know more about anatomy (goal 3/). Would people stop looking to the church to be healed if “medical science” progresses too much? Maybe. From what we see in the curren Fodlan, it doesn’t.

Also, French version translated the “foundation of the church” as “stability” of the church - would the church become unstable or challenged if people could heal without using white magic? Again, we ultimately know that it doesn’t, magical science and medical science coexist, Manuela gives a short summary of the two - they have different effects.

As for things Rhea herself banned : Telescopes, Oil exploitation and Printed Press.

Telescopes were banned because Rhea thought it would increase violence during wartimes and would make it too easy to snipe from afar (TFW mages with bolting can do the same without telescopes, but they’re limited by their range and if they have a gloucester’s crest by Rhea’s sister’s femur’s range or whatever is Thyrsus). We know the mole people use (and most likely used before during the Sothis war) this technology. The “lessening the mystery of the goddess” thing is noted by Edel herself who wonders if the Goddess could really have come from space since it’s super far away. Edel doesn’t know the Goddess is an alien dragon-thing though.

Oil exploitation : “Misuse could result in accidental death” tfw random Faerghus countryman thought it was water and died :’(

Used tactically by those lacking magical abilities - like gambits? Was Rhea thinking that a random human cannot set fire to an entire city (lol) on his own with his limited spell pool/uses, but if he uses oil then he would only be limited by the quatity of oil? So it’d be easier to cause mass fires? Or whatever Robin did in FE13 with the ships and the Valmese army? Also, if Rhea thought oil could replace humans with magic, does it mean humans with magic were supposed to do everything oil can do? Like making a lamp or they still used something else as fuel? “Competition for it could cause strife” Rhea acknowledged that if humans discovered this ressource they’d deem it as essential and try to get their hands on it, even if they had to wage war?

Metal molding Printing Machine : “after careful consideration” Rhea banned it because it’d be useless for illiterate randoms - well yes, but why should this be an argument? You don’t ban something because it’s useless, look, no one banned airpods - risk of mass circulation of false information or rumors : rhea wanted to prevent redshit from existing This is a way to control information, but funnily enough in the game, we see the results or someone deliberately using manifestos spreading misinformation - risk of “increasing disparity between church branches” (fr version has “rivalry” instead of disparity) what does it mean? The central church would have more means to print books than the eastern church so the eastern church would be jealous? Or the Western Church could mass print its doctrine and have more zealots than the central or the easter church?

Ultimately, all those bans were lifted with time, Manuela performs Jeralt’s autopsy, Edel’s imperial science division managed to guess the distance between the Blue sea star and Fodlan, Oil is apparently used in several gambits, Edel’s able to send manifestos around the continent and Seteth can write children books and sell them without difficulties. Hilda can also lose books which would be a big no-no even if you are a noble if books weren’t, kind of, mass printed.

So why those bans? To protect Fodlan and the fam, but since they were lifted with time, I don’t think Rhea abandonned her goals, most likely, she thought humans were making small steps to discover those technologies, slowly learning about them so they won’t have them when they’re not “ready enough” to use them.

The “ready enough” thing sounds paternalistic or what can be expected from a more technologically advanced alien, but technically Rhea’s part alien and she lived through (or not?) an episode where humans received technology and did shit with it (mole people) so maybe she won’t hand them the car with the keys this time, and instead let them figure out how to build the car.

Still, this is HC because, as usual, the game doesn’t let us talk or question Rhea about those things, so we can only infer, read between the lines or between pixels.

****

TBH, I didn’t care a lot about her when I played, but when she had to eat babies in CF I grew more interested. Other bloggers already pointed it out, but Rhea’s a Tiki, but also a “traditional FE lord” in the sense she avenged her mom who was killed by the king of another kingdom, lived in exile and raised an army to fight against the King.

Still, Rhea didn’t end up as the leader of the world, or as the first Empress of United Fodlan, or something like that. She let Willy do his thing. Why? How? Why didn’t she became an integral part of the Empire, if she had been politically important, or a kind of seer/oracle, it would have been difficult for the Empire to go against her!

But nope, Rhea figged away in her mountains to rez her mom, sprout some “doctrine” (she could have done the same as an Emperor/Seer/Oracle) and watched over randoms who made up her “church”. She sometimes tries to intervene in Fodlan’s best interests, but it failed. Because Rhea doesn’t want to rule. She feels like she has to be a guide, but when humans don’t follow her? Well, what can she do? FE16 doesn’t show us Rhea sending her knights against the Empire when the Empire kicked out her Church and basically said “fig” to her face. FE16 doesn’t show us Rhea being angry and punching Gloucester in the face because he doesn’t show “real piety” and sprouts doctrine out of his rear.

Still, when she has to take a more hands-on approach and cannot be a distant figure/guide, she complains about maintaining a certain image as the Archbishop and how she cannot socialise with students or even walk around without Seteth randoms guarding her. She feels her mother would do a better job and tries to act as a proxy. Imo, Rhea’s bound by duty to her mom, to her sibs dead and living, and to Fodlan. She doesn’t reject her role, she accepts it, she doesn’t like it yes, but if going Gandalf in non-CF chapter 12 shows, she will fulfill it.

What’s most saddening though, is how her duty is a self-imposed one. Rez her mom? She personally took the challenge, because she misses Sothis the most and feels ashamed of this feeling to the point of not telling Seteth about it (interesting enough, Indech seems to be aware Billy’s Sothis incarnation and didn’t jump to the “Billy must be one of Nemesis’s kids with the crest of flames” conclusion, as if he knew Sothis could “incarnate” one day, but was he thinking Sothis would incarnate on her own or Rhea would trigger it? Flayn also suspects a thing about Billy being related to them because of Rhea). Rhea personally thinks she has to lead/guide Fodlan and make it a better place, ignoring the heads of the 3 states who should also be concerned with this goal. Rhea will create a false history to protect her living siblings when Macuil and Indech won’t give a fuck and live in their bestial forms somewhere, and when Seteth hides, but made it clear his only wish is to protect Flayn and the apostles, if they were really lizards, disappeared in random villages.

FE16 isn’t interested by Rhea’s story though.

That’s why I’m desperately waiting for a War of Heroes DLC or prequel of BSFE or whatever because I don’t really care about Fodlan in 1180 and who can have a perfect tea time with Billy or not.

I’d like to know why Birdie and Indech figged away, why Rhea thought letting Willy control the entire continent when he knows she’s a dragon was a good idea, why the Apostles didn’t take part in the Nemesis fight, why Fodlan’s humans decided to side with Willy in his brand new Empire instead of staying with King Nemesis, did Sothis have a previous faithful and what happened when she disappeared, were the Nabateans tyrannical rulers over humans which made some with Nemesis’n’pals, what were they supposed to do when they left Zanado, etc, etc.

So just like Julia and the baijilions AU ideas I came up with, Rhea’s a fuel for AUs because her base game dgaf about her.

[embeanwrites]

Finding Home Gavin Reed x Reader

Chapter 15

Masterlist

Connor had driven me home after we finished the movie and now, I was laying in bed looking at my phone. I decided to send Gavin a text before heading to bed.

 How’s burning the midnight oil with Nines?

 lame, i wish i was with my cats

 Me too lol

 how was dinner

 Pretty good, we watched Into the Spider-Verse after. Connor had never seen it!

 i haven’t either

 You’re joking, right? Is this the Jameson and Ginger Ale thing again?

 i barely have time for new movies, let alone old ones

 We’re watching it ASAP

 lol ok pipsqueak

hey i have bad news

 Damn, you couldn’t secure a place for the Dead Mom Society to meet? Or is the bakery out of chocolate chip cookies?

 no i have to work through lunch on monday

 :(

What are you going to have for lunch then?

 idk a pb&j from the breakroom

 Would it ruin your “working through lunch” if I brought you lunch and we eat it in the breakroom?

 nines wont be too happy

 Tell him it’s revenge for lying and setting us up!

 ok ill work on him and let u know

 Awesome! Good luck saving the city tonight, Batman!

 ur the biggest nerd ive ever met

yet for some reason i like u

 Awwwwww you like me

 …hm

 Yeah, yeah I like you too

I gotta go to bed, talk to you later

 Sleep tight, pipsqueak

I smiled at the screen for a moment, even if that nickname was rude and had started as an insult, it was his thing for me now. I'm an adult woman. A nickname shouldn't make me feel this giddy, but here I am, grinning at a now black phone screen, thinking about how he only grins and never smiles and how handsome it is when half his face scrunches up to accommodate those grins. I wonder if he's grinning now, a small one at his desk, maybe into a cup of coffee to hide it while he returns to his case files. I hope he's grinning, feeling like a stupid teenager. I hope he likes me as much as I'm starting to like him. I fell asleep soon after, thinking of what I should bring him for lunch, trying to guess what would surprise him most without being too flashy, what I could do to make him grin for me again.

 I woke up the next morning around 10 am, and laid in bed for a moment questioning how necessary it was for me to get out of this nice warm cocoon of blankets, with the sunlight streaming in gently just out of my eyes, and sighed loudly when I remembered that it was indeed necessary that I get out of bed, as Tina would be here to pick me up at 11:30. I kicked the covers off, grabbing my phone off the charger and moving to sit on the edge of the bed to check it before truly getting up. The first notification was a text from Gavin, sent around 5 a.m. 

u can come on monday probs around 11 bring whatever im not picky

 Will do, Batman!

I turned on a throwback playlist while I got ready, a quick shower where I debated too long over shaving my legs before I actually did so, thinking about how Tina might have me try on a suit or dress for the wedding. I hadn't decided what I wanted to go for yet, hence the indecisiveness with the razor. Eventually I bit the bullet and just took the extra five minutes to shave just to the tops of my knees, not bothering with my thighs as I highly doubted I'd be wearing a mini dress to a formal event, though it might be fun to see how Gavin would react to more revealing clothes. I filed the thought away while I got out of the shower, toweling off and tying the towel around my hair and brushing my teeth. By the time I had thrown on a pair of well loved jeans and a plain tee, Tina was calling me, I answered and before I could even put the phone to my ear, I could hear music blaring in the background, and then Tina screamed "HERE BITCH!" and promptly hung up. I pocketed the phone, and hurried looking for my Birkenstocks, of course they weren't by the door, they were in front of the fridge, where I had stopped last night upon arriving home to grab some food before heading to bed. I slid the sandals on, stopping for a moment to grab two packets of the applesauce squeezies for a quick breakfast. 

By the time I got to the car, Tina was listening to a different song, but the volume was the same, I'm sure my poor neighbors who were trying to sleep in on a Sunday morning were not very pleased. I opened the door and slid in, Tina turned the volume down. What a shame, she had excellent taste in music, ‘Do I Wanna Know?’ by Arctic Monkeys isn't a song you just turn down! 

"Took you long enough!" She laughed, a smile stretching across her face. 

"Shut up I couldn't find my shoes!" I shouted, holding up my feet and wiggling my toes in the most comfortable pair of shoes ever made. She looked at my feet and raised her eyebrows, snorting.

"Jesus Christ I’m a lesbian and I still wouldn’t wear those ugly ass shoes, (Y/n)!” I gasped and smacked her arm. 

“You’re disrespecting your culture!” I shouted, as the car silently started and began to pull out into the street, heading towards the dress store. Tina just giggled and I huffed. 

“For that, I’m not giving you the applesauce I brought for you.” I tore open the packets, double fisting them and squeezing all their contents into my mouth. Tina howled with laughter 

“What are you, fucking two years old! I cannot believe you!” 

“You’re just jealous that you aren’t as stylish as me and now I’ve had a healthy breakfast which I assume you didn’t as you were at the station all night. I was going to be a good, kind, maid of honor and offer you sustenance but if you disrespect the birks, you disrespect me.” I joked, crossing my arms and looking out the windshield past her. 

“Oh my god my maid of honor is two years old!!” 

“Hey! That’s uncalled for, I’m not a toddler, if anything I’m like a seven year old, I make sense but just barely.” I joked. She laughed and nodded. 

“Still can’t buy booze.”

“That’s why there are other best people who are of age who can.” 

There was a natural pause in the conversation, the song changed and we both listened for a moment before Tina turned to me, a devilish grin on her face making me nervous. 

“What?”

“So, I noticed something strange at work last night.”

“Yeah, what did you notice?” I laughed.

“A certain someone kept texting on their phone and smiling AND Nines wasn’t giving them a hard time for being on their phone.” She smirked. “I thought the date went bad?”

“How do you even know it was me, future Detective Chen?”

“Well, I may have glanced over his shoulder at some point and saw your name.” I laughed.

“Tina! I was going to tell you. You didn’t have to spy on Gavin!” She laughed.

“It was the heat of the moment. I promise the next time I spy on him I won’t tell you.” I shoved her shoulder and we both laughed.

“Man, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” The automatic car pulled into the bridal shop and we both squealed, jumping out of the car and practically running inside.

"I win." Tina said smugly as she crossed the threshold of the store before me. 

"Hey who's the kid now!"

Time went by fast in the shop, the consultants immediately brought us back to a sitting area, offering us complimentary champagne that we happily took. Our consultant, a happy-go-lucky android named Lance, brought out a selection of pantsuits for Tina to try, and offered excellent counsel on all of Tina's concerns. She wanted something elegant and more masculine. She tried a couple things before deciding pinstripe made her feel like a mobster and that white was definitely not her color. Lance was always smiling and laughing with them, not minding at all when they laughed at one of the options or didn't like what he had brought for her. He was very efficient in bringing options, and after three 'no's' he brought out a selection of black jackets and pants, assisting her in a pair of slim fit high waisted slacks with a center vertical pleat to help her look taller, a simple white dress shirt with a short popped collar, and a sleek black satin jacket, with a black lining. The fabric shone nicely in the light, a little bit of a sparkle in the thread. She looked gorgeous, and I could tell she felt it too, the way her eyes shone a bit, and her cheeks flushed, though she would probably blame that on the champagne if I brought it up later.

“You should try on some bridesmaids’ dresses. I’ve got my suit and now I want to judge others!”  Tina plopped down on the couch next to me and took my champagne from me.

"You haven't even decided on the style you want! Are you matching both bridal parties? Doesn't Valerie have a say in it then!" I squawked, reaching for the champagne flute she'd stolen from me. 

"We actually have talked about it, and we decided that as long as everyone has blush pink or yellow in their outfit, whatever style they want is best. It eliminates the drama and keeps our wedding day happy." Tina said, tipping her head back and downing my champagne in one big gulp. I smacked her arm. 

"Ah, I'd be happy to help you find a dress Miss. (L/N)." Lance offered, moving to sit next to me and offered out his hand, images of dresses popping up on his hand. 

"What are you thinking Miss (L/N)? Would you prefer the blush tone or yellow?" Lance asked, looking at my face instead of his hand. 

"Ah, blush please." I requested. 

"Not a problem, it's a popular color so we have a lot of options. Now, what style cut do you like?" I looked at him like a fish out of water. 

"I'm not sure, what do you think would look best, Lance?" He smiled, before pulling up a couple of images on his hand and explaining the styles and what design choices would flatter my features. I nodded, and he guided me back to the dressing room. 

"I'm going to run and grab some of the options we discussed Miss. (L/N)." He told me, before shutting the door. He knocked when he returned about five minutes later, hanging six dresses on the wall for me. "When you're ready, join us in the showing room, and we can adjust the fit and see what the bride thinks." He told me. I shouted 'Thanks!' through the door before turning to decide which dress I wanted to try first. 

 “Wow.” I murmured looking at myself in the mirror. From the tag on the dress I learned it’s a ‘long chiffon dress with halter neckline.’ I didn’t really understand what any of those words meant, but this dress was…amazing. It made me feel like a goddamn princess. 

“What’s taking so long!” I heard Tina shout.

“Give me a minute, you drunk!” I walked out of the dressing room, towards where Tina was sitting.

“Holy shit.” I laughed and spun around.

“It’s pretty good, right?” She got up and walked towards me.

“You’re getting this one. No question. I’m not letting you leave without it!”

“Are you sure? I can try a light-yellow dress if you want.”

“No, this one is perfect.” She smashed her cheek on mine and we both looked at ourselves in the mirror. I was smiling so wide my face was starting to hurt. She quickly grabbed her phone and snapped a picture of us, and I laughed.

“Tina!”

“What! I want to remember this moment.” She kissed my cheek. “I can’t wait to come back here with you when Gavin proposes.” She teased, causing you to laugh. 

“We’ve gone on one date! How much champagne have you had?” She shook her head.

“Just three glasses, I’m drunk on happiness! Come on, change back and buy that dress!” I laughed and walked back to the changing room. I picked up my phone and saw Tina had sent me the picture already. Smiling, I sent the picture to my dad.

 Got my dress for the wedding!

 Beautiful kiddo!

[hamonsurveysoverdrive]

Quintessential

Have you thought about an ex today???? Yeah, the kids' dad. Could you handle a long distance relationship??? Probably not. What are you listening to right now? Nothing. Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot to you? Yes. Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?? Not really. Do you know anybody who was abused?? Yes. Do you know anyone named Tom? Yes. Who was the last person that said "i love you" to you? My kiddos. How many people do you know with your name? One. Where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? Target. How do you feel about the person who texted you last? She's awesome. Have you kissed someone in the past 24 hours???? Yepp. If you could change your eye color what would you change it to? Grey. Have you kissed anyone whose name started with S? Yepp. Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around??? Yes, several someones. Is this year the best year of your life?? 2020 is no one's best year. Do you have any strange phobias?? Yes. Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more? Yepp. How often do you see your ex? I see Drew pretty much weekly. If the last person you kissed needs you at 3 am and you could go, would you go? Absolutely. Do you miss your past? Some aspects. Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like? No. What side of a heart do you draw first? Left. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work? Work, yes. What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it? I have a backpack purse that is the map of Neverland. Nothing is in it, because I'm using my new purse now. Do you have a friend you can tell secrets to and you're sure they won't tell anyone? Yepp. Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yes. Do you have candles in your room? No. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone for more than 5 minutes? My mom and her husband. Do you have your eye on anyone? I'm already with someone. Are you happy with your life at the moment? A lot of parts, sure. Some parts, not so much. What is something you disliked about your day? I have a bit of headache, but other than that it's been a GREAT day. What's the last thing you drank? Water. Who was the last person to tell you they love you? My kiddos. What are you listening to? Crooked Teeth - Death Cab For Cutie. Did you go outside for more than 30 minutes today? Yes What's the last thing you said out loud? "Thank you." How's your hair looking? I need a haircut, but it's not looking too bad. Anyone you would like to get things straight with? Nope. Ever kissed in the rain? Yes. Are you sleepy? Yes. What TV show should never stop getting produced? Idgaf Happier on your own or with someone? I'm happier with Justin. Who's the last text you received from? Kelsi. Is cheating ever okay? No. Would you ever be the "other person", as in help someone cheat? I have before, it was a dark time in my life. Can you whistle? No. Waiting on anything? Insurance check. What shoes did you wear today? Black canvas sneakers. Name all the people you've seen today: Justin, Shonda, Andy, Max, Dad. In that order. What's irritating you right now? Nothing really. Do you like someone? Yepp. Where is your cell phone? Great question... Do you feel comfortable with answering personal questions? Obviously. Have you ever passed out? Yepp. Where is the person you miss the most at this time? Alabama. Do you have a best friend? I have a few. Have you ever had your heart broken? Yepp. Are your eyes the same color of your mom's or dad's? Closer to my mom's. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? Yes. Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes? He does smoke, and so do I. Ever found more than a dollar in a random place? Sure. How many of the opposite sex do you really trust? Justin, my dad, Needles. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? Nope. Did you tell the last person you liked your feelings for them? Yeah, that's why we're together. What time will you be getting up tomorrow morning? No specific time. How are you feeling at this exact moment in time? Great. Any weekend plans? Just hanging out with the kiddos. Will you be in bed within twenty minutes? I don't plan on it. Who were you with at 1 AM this morning? Justin, Liz, Zach. Closest pink object? Post-It note. Are you mad at anyone? Nope. How old will you be in 5 years? 37. Thanks for that. Are you watching TV while doing this? No. Last thing you ate? Mini quiches. Are you having a good hair day? Meh. Do you miss someone? Yes. Do you have any bruises? No. Are you hot or cold right now? Neither. Who are your last 4 texts from? Kelsi, Krystle, Justin, mom. What's your middle name? Victoria. What's your current favorite color? Grey. When is your birthday? November 2. What color shirt are you wearing? It's mostly black. Are you imagining anyone naked right now? I mean, now I am lol Do you want to see somebody right now? Nah Where is your mom? Either at home or out running errands. Speak any other languages? Not fluently. Do you like rain? Yes. What are you thinking about right now? These questions. What would be harder, for you to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back? Idk. Your best friend was caught smoking weed in the bathroom, how do you react? Depends on which best friend lol. Kelsi I'd be shocked, I'd probably laugh at the others. What's the furthest away from home you have ever been? NYC. Is there a chick that knows everything or mostly everything about you? Yes Who was the last person you cried in front of? Andy? How many cell phones have you had in your life? Too many. Do you currently have a hickey? Nah, but Justin does lol Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up? Yes Look behind you, what do you see? My dining room table. What's on your schedule for tomorrow? Nothing in particular. Do you think that you're a good person? Mostly. Do you and your dad get along? Yes. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve ever kept a goldfish alive for? One hour lol Can you see your purse right now? Nah Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? No. Are there products in your hair? Yes. Can you see a stuffed animal from where you’re sitting? Nope. Have you ever eaten cat food? No. Did you ever try to watch yourself pee when you were little? I'm sure. When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? Sometimes. Do you actually like sneezing? Not really? What about coughing? Nope. Have you taken a shower yet today? Not yet. How many pets do you have? A cat named Merlyn and a dog named Valentine. Do you actually like them? Yes. Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? I have more than one. Are the people who you hang out with at school considered your "real friends"? I do college online, I know none of my schoolmates lol Do you wear skirts a lot? I wouldn't say a lot. Mini skirts or longer ones? Mini. Do you basically live in jeans? No. Do you wear sweatpants a lot? Not a lot, but I have some. Name one movie you like and your favorite character in it: Gone With the Wind, Scarlett O'Hara. How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? Six? Do you wear white after Labor Day even though it’s against the fashion rules? That's so dumb Or do you hardly ever wear white anyway? I don't wear it that often Do you like hoodies? Who doesn't? Big ones or the form fitting kind? Big. Do you wear polo shirts a lot? Fuck no. Do you straighten your hair? Rarely. Should you straighten it? No. Have you ever gotten a real massage? Yes. When’s the last time you got your nails done? No clue. What was your favorite TV show when you were a little kid? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Weren’t Nickelodeon shows much better back in the day? Yes. Do you remember watching The Secret World of Alex Mac? Yes. How about Rocko’s Modern Life? Yes. Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? Possibly? Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? Yes. Do you love pictures as much as every other teenager in the world? I'm not a teenager. Are orgasms cool? Absolutely. Are you organized or messy in school? I am a combination lol Do you love your siblings? Mhmmm Do you have a step family? I have a step-father. Do you like Advil or Tylenol? Ibuprofen. What grade were you in when you got your first period (assuming you’re a girl)? 7th. Do you like girls, guys, or both? Both. Do you love your reproductive organs? Uhm, sure. Do you love your computer? Yeah. Are you one of those people who never drink soda? No. Or are you one of those people who are addicted? Yes. Do you drink coffee? Yes. Do you think it actually gives you energy? Yeah. Do you like basically all of your clothes? That's why I bought them. Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? Any of it. Do you honestly think you’re an interesting person? I can be. What song are you listening to? Float On - Modest Mouse. Why do you like that song? It's actually the only Modest Mouse song I do NOT like, but it came up on shuffle. What did your last incoming text message say? "I can rub it in his face without even actually saying anything." Look at your received call list. Who is number 5? I don't wanna get up to get my phone. Do you ever wish you were a different race, and if so, what? I don't think about stuff like that? Do hobos frighten you? No. What's the most you have ever spent in the crane toy machines? Not a lot. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Here. When is the last time you were in a hospital? After my car wreck. Why were you there? To check on my ribs and head. What is the most painful piercing you have had? The first time I got my nose pierced. Have you ever cried after one of your favorite sports teams lost a game? Once, when the Lakers lost the state championship against the Celtics. I was pregnant, okay?? Would you marry a 90-year-old billionaire? If he didn't want sex, hell yeah. Have you ever kept a fortune from a Chinese fortune cookie? No. Have you ever told a lover that they were good in bed, when they were not? No. Would you jump into a lake to save a stranger? Depends. Do you think your life story would make a great movie? Meh. What TV show world would you fit right into? Idk. Would you rather be in a room with Micheal Jackson or a rattlesnake? Neither. Have you ever gone to a bookstore at 12 AM to buy the next Harry Potter book? No. Have you ever been so bored that you counted cracks in the walls? No. Do you read while you eat? Sometimes. How long does it usually take you to drink a beverage? Depends on the beverage. What did you want to be when you were in kindergarten? A writer. What do you want to be now? Librarian.

[daresplaining]

Hey, Idk if you know this but imma ask you anyway cause I think you’re cool. ANYWAY, how do other hero’s react when they find out Daredevil is blind? (You have any HC’s that go along with it?)

    Hi, and thanks! I’m happy that running a comics blog is considered cool.

     This doesn’t actually come up as much as you’d think, because this kind of revelation almost never starts with people discovering that Daredevil is blind. Matt is (mostly) good at pretending he can see while in costume, since that’s an illusion he feels the need to maintain. Instead, what usually happens is this: someone (a fellow hero or otherwise) will learn that Matt is Daredevil, they’ll assume he fakes the blindness, Matt will then explain about the hypersenses, and that will be that. Sometimes he’ll be asked to prove it, but not always. 

[ID: Excerpt from Kesel’s Daredevil run. Matt and Foggy are standing together in an office. Foggy has his back to Matt (and the reader).]

Foggy: “Okay, Matt– you can stop pretending, now.”

Matt: “Foggy–?”

Foggy: “This whole ‘blind’ thing. I know you’re really Daredevil! Some ‘best friend’– lying to me all these years… playing me for a fool…”

Matt: “No, Foggy– you’re wrong! I thought you understood… I really am blind, from a childhood accident that heightened my remaining senses–”

Daredevil vol. 1 #353 by Karl Kesel, Cary Nord, and Christie Scheele

[ID: Daredevil and Karen Page are sitting together in a large, fancy, primarily green sitting room.] 

Karen: “And, your brother ‘Mike’… the aerial explosion in which you ‘died’… even your ‘blindness’… they were all nothing but ingenious frauds!”

Matt: “Two out of three right, my darling! I never had a brother… and that explosion was trumped up to flush out a would-be blackmailer! But, I have been blind for years… perhaps in more ways than one!”

Karen: “Really blind? I don’t… understand…!”

Matt: “When you get down to brass tacks, Karen… neither do I! As Matt, I told you once about the childhood accident that blinded me! That story was true, but not the whole truth!”

[ID: A panel showing a montage of Daredevil doing cool acrobatic tricks against an orange background.]

Matt (off-panel): “For, in some mysterious way, the same mishap that robbed me of my sight… amazingly sharpened my remaining senses, to far beyond those of other men… enabling me to avoid disasters, and to perform athletic feats that few people even dream of! Taste… touch… smell… hearing… all my senses were heightened! Except perhaps for that secret ingredient called… common sense! Why else would I never have told you before… that I love you?”

Daredevil vol. 1 #58 by Roy Thomas and Gene Colan

[ID: Daredevil and Black Panther are swinging in tandem across the nighttime city.]

T’Challa: “DD… I know I promised no questions… but I have never comprehended how a blind attorney can battle crime with the best of them! –If you truly are blind, that is!”

Matt: “I am… but I’ve got some other super-senses that just won’t quit! Remind me to tell you about ‘em sometime!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #69 by Roy Thomas and Gene Colan

[ID: Daredevil and Spider-Man– who is in his black costume– are crouched on a rooftop, talking.] 

Peter: “So… ‘Peter’, huh?”

Matt: “Yup. And in case you’re wondering, my handle is… Matt Murdock.”

Peter: “You’re kidding, right? I mean… Murdock’s blind… I mean… that is… uh, let’s go someplace and talk about this…”

[In the next panel they’re in Peter’s apartment, and in civvies. Matt is sitting on a chair, wearing a white shirt and blue pants. Peter is walking into the room, wearing a green shirt and blue pants.]

Matt: “Faintly acrid, but a nice apartment.”

Peter: “Boy, you really must be blind. And yeah, I had a fire recently. Let me understand– you could tell when you heard my heartbeat as Peter Parker and later as Spider-Man that we were the same guy? That’s some power. What do you call it?”

Matt: “Listening.”

Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man vol. 1 #110 by Peter David, Rich Buckler, and Bob Sharen

[ID: A panel of Luke Cage and Danny Rand– both in civvies– standing on a rooftop at night. They are looking up toward the viewer (at Daredevil, off-panel). Danny is holding up a newspaper.]

Luke: “You can put that down. He’s blind.”

Danny: “Oh, he really is blind. I thought he was pretending because of all the heat on him.”

Luke: “No, he’s really blind.”

Danny: “Oh.”

Daredevil vol. 2 #38 by Brian Michael Bendis, Manuel Gutierrez, and Matt Hollingsworth

    These are just a few examples, but you get the idea. It’s very rare that someone figures out that Daredevil is blind without it being tied to a full-on secret identity reveal. The best example I can think of is this great moment from one of the Daredevil/Batman crossovers. Trust the World’s Greatest Detective to figure it out…

[ID: Daredevil and Batman are standing together on a rooftop at night.]

Bruce: “Let’s say you’re visually impaired. You favor your other modes of sensory input. A subtle inclination of your head when there’s a sound. An extremely slight flaring of your nostrils, probably indicating olfactory acuteness. You’re practiced– or possess sensory enhancements– making your powers of observation markedly proficient.”

Matt: “Thanks. Yours aren’t bad, either.”

Daredevil and Batman by D.G. Chichester, Scott McDaniel, and Gregory Wright

    I love this because Matt’s blindness and powers would affect his body language, and I kind of wish that more characters– particularly those with combat expertise– would notice. As it stands, pretty much everyone who knows that Daredevil is blind also learns about his hypersenses immediately afterward, and since there’s always been a tendency for writers to allow Matt’s powers to get him out of situations that would generally require sight, his blindness doesn’t come up as much as I wish it would within the context of his actual hero work and team-ups. The little evidence available suggests that his fellow heroes are accommodating (we get little details, like the fact that the text on Matt’s Avengers ID card is written in braille) and they’re generally impressed by him, but they don’t make that big a deal of it. Sometimes they’ll forget he’s blind, but he is quick to remind them. In the wider context of the Marvel superhero community, a blind superhero isn’t that weird, no matter what Brainwashed Wolverine™ might claim:  

[ID: Wolverine and Matt (in costume, but without his mask) are fighting in Matt’s apartment. Wolverine is slashing with his claws; Matt is trying to restrain him]

Logan: “Hands offa me, you blind freak!”

Matt: “This isn’t you that’s saying this. You have to fight it, Wolverine. You’ve just been reprogrammed.”

Logan (caption): “Listen to you, Murdock: talking like you’re some kinda super hero– Ever wonder why they didn’t ask you to join their fancy teams, big shot? Ever wonder why you always work alone? ‘Cuz you’re blind. Handicapped. Oughta hear the sick jokes they crack behind your back–”

Wolverine (2003) #24 by Mark Millar, John Romita, Jr., Paul Mounts

    (This comes after a long rant about how Matt gets more dates than him. Brainwashed Wolverine™ was going through some stuff in this issue…)

    One context in which Matt’s blindness does come up is in his interactions with other blind superheroes. In these cases, it usually serves as a source of bonding. Gerry Conway gives us this weird-yet-touching issue in which Matt encounters a blind hero from another dimension:

[ID: Daredevil is standing over a figure (Tagak), who is wearing a purple and orange skin-tight suit and a leopard-print mask that covers his whole head.]

Matt: “Now maybe I’ll get some answers! Like, number one… who you are… and number two… how you pretend to see– when you’re blind!”

Tagak: “How…?”

Matt: “Big clue: the way you hesitated just now… and let’s just say it takes one to know one!”

Tagak: “Then you…? It seems there is much to speak about, my friend!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #72 Gerry Conway and Gene Colan

   Since Matt generally works so hard to hide his blindness while in costume, it’s notable that he shares this information with Tagak within minutes of meeting him– especially when he didn’t actually have to.

    Here’s a more recent example, from after Matt has revealed his secret identity to the Inhuman superhero Reader:

[ID: A panel showing Reader sitting at a table, with Matt– in civvies and with his arm in a sling– standing next to the table.]

Reader: “Wait… are you really blind? Gotta admit, I kind of liked being on a team with another blind guy.”

Matt: “I’m really blind.”

Reader: “Then how…”

Matt: “You’ve got your tricks, Reader, I’ve got mine.”

Daredevil vol. 5 #609 by Charles Soule and Phil Noto

    This example is a bit more complicated, since (spoiler alert) it’s all in Matt’s head, but 1. this conversation seems in-character for Reader anyway, and 2. the fact that Matt would want him to react this way is still significant.

    And then there are the villains! One of my favorite examples of Matt’s blindness coming into play in his hero work is this great scene from Waid’s run, in which the Jester– having learned Matt’s secret identity but assuming that the blindness is just an act (as everyone does at first, see above)– sets a trap that is entirely vision-reliant…

[ID: Matt, in civvies, comes across a life-sized dummy of Foggy hanging from a noose. He perceives it in an unrecognizable form with his radar sense. This alternates with panels of the Jester, who is sitting in front of an array of computer screens and getting increasingly agitated.]

Matt (caption): “And what is this? A Jaycees haunted house? Who are you supposed to represent?”

Jester: “He’s staring right at it! Why– why isn’t he reacting?”

Matt (caption): “Real dead bodies have a distinct odor, Jester. This smells like foam rubber and latex. What were you trying to accomplish here? Fail.”

Jester: “React, damn you! That’s your best friend hanging from a noose! Anyone who’s ever seen Murdock in a fight knows the ‘blind lawyer’ gag is a put-on! Open your eyes!”

Daredevil vol. 3 #32 by Mark Waid, Chris Samnee, and Javier Rodriguez

    I don’t really have headcanons as much as I have a wish to see more of this sort of thing in the source material itself (though I would love to hear other people’s headcanons, if they have some!). We’ve come a long way, in general, from the “Matt’s senses more than compensate for his blindness” attitude that plagued early (and some more recent, unfortunately) Daredevil comics, and Waid’s run in particular made great strides in this area, but I always feel like more can be done. I want Matt to hang out with more of the Marvel Universe’s other blind characters (there are a bunch of them!). I want his blindness to come up more often in his team-ups with sighted heroes. We’ve seen antagonists target his hypersenses, but I was surprised and a little disappointed that, back when his blindness was public knowledge, his rogues didn’t try to use that against him. On the other hand, we got awesome things like this during that period…

[ID: A panel showing Matt on the street, in civvies, signing an autograph for a blind kid with a service dog.]

Daredevil vol. 4 #11 by Mark Waid, Chris Samnee, and Matt Wilson

    …which is another of the many reasons I’m sad it’s over, as Matt/Daredevil interacting more with the non-powered disabled community is another thing I want– including negotiating his identity as a superpowered disabled person. 

    There’s a tricky line that needs to be walked in handling this aspect of Matt’s character. In making his blindness too prominent, or too debilitating, there’s a risk of turning him into a caricature or making it seem like a burden rather than a simple fact of his existence. Matt is a complex character, and his sensory array is only one part of that complexity. But he is one of the most prominent blind characters in comics– if not media in general– and I still feel like there are a lot of stories surrounding this part of his identity that haven’t yet been told, in the context of both the civilian and superhero sides of his life. 

[harahmed]

I’ve thought a lot about why I prefer to type things on here and post them vs just writing about them in a google or word document and keeping it personal and safe. Back in HS it was a way to communicate the thoughts and emotions that confused me and angered me to my friends as well as the therapeutic aspect of it. Now I think there’s something symbolic about posting it as kind of a way to send off all these emotions that are bottled up inside of me. Sometimes I’ll encounter people that say what’s the point of talking about it if it won’t change anything, but now that I think about it I don’t think the people in my life that say that actually feel that way. For the things that they just keep to themselves and say “there’s no point in talking about it” it’s just easier to do that than to have to face the anxieties and issues in your life that you may not have the ability to change; like getting fired from a job or other difficult situations that seem out of your control. For the things they can change, it’s also so anxiety inducing to talk about them if you’re struggling with making the change. Making a change is like the goal of gambling...you can accept there will be ups and downs but your main goal is for an upward slope of net winnings over time. Sometimes though when trying to make a change it feels like you’re just nose diving downwards and in those cases talking about it just feels like a reminder of your inadequacy. I think this is one of those things that everybody deep down knows and just saying they don’t want to talk about it because it won’t change anything is just a translation of I’m exhausted from it and don’t want to confront it right now or maybe even anytime soon. My go to is you know even if it doesn’t change anything talking about it will help. I’m realizing through typing this that’s probably not good advice and i have to try to pay more attention to the context of the situation before i say that. Maybe I do already though and don’t realize it. Next time someone says that to me I’ll have to just ask first if they’ve talked about it with anyone else. Knowing first hand how exhausting it is to talk about something you feel powerless over maybe I should stop trying to push for people to talk to me specifically. I always felt like I could give advice that the average person would not give in a lot of different situations but maybe I’m just giving myself too much credit. It’s disheartening to not be sure about where I stand in this...if I’m someone that people appreciate trying to give them a nudge to talk about the things they don’t want to or if it’s overbearing and results in them avoiding talking to me about these issues. I guess that’s what I get for being a skipping rock over the lake of life. Not delving into the depths of it results in this i guess. When you finally start thinking about it you’re just so unsure because of the lack of reflection it feels like there’s nothing to ground you. I think what my lifecoach would say here is to remind myself of my identity and work from there. idk though i’m having doubts. reminding myself of my identity won’t translate to people understanding my intentions and even if i have good intentions I can’t force someone to understand that. Everytime I try it just makes the situation 100x worse.

It’s hard to keep others perspectives in mind on a day to day basis. Sometimes no matter how hard I try I just cannot see from another side. Most times though I don’t even realize that I should be thinking about others perspective because I’m so wound up in my own. I could say i will try to be more cognizant of it but I’ve said that a million times in the past couple of years with no plan to change...then it just falls in the back of my mind until another shitty situation comes up that reminds me that this is an issue I’ve had and have been aware of that went unresolved and resulted in this shit situation and it just keeps happening. how do people even change while trying to keep up with life...I feel like I barely changed after putting my life on hold for over a year. change is so slow it’s discouraging. I’m sure everyone feels that way but it doesn’t make it any better lol. feels like these thoughts i’m having are thoughts I should’ve had five years ago. Better late than never doesn’t make me feel any better either.

---------------------------------------------------------------

My whole life I’ve found myself caring too much about the most random things that would cause me to argue with people until I push them away because I’m so stubborn and relentless.

I don’t understand how after the points I made you still feel the same way. To me it felt like what it probably feels like to you when i’m stubborn about something. I was stubborn in this case too but it’s because i care about m and talked to her in that 1 year more than I’ve ever talked to anyone else in my life. she’s important to me and I know her intentions are always good even though you don’t see that even after i tried to explain it over and over it just got stale. I feel like it’s silly to decide what someone’s character is because of something so minuscule in the grand scheme of what makes up a whole ass being. just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it wrong and doesn’t mean there’s betrayal. everyone has the right to do that because itw ould be impossible to not judge people based off of tiny actions but it bothers me so much. I get that it’s because you care about your friend and I care about mine too but I feel responsible for silently ruining a friendship through speaking to you about anything and I regret it so much because it feels you completely contorted the mood behind what was said and it had an everlasting effect on a friendship that lasted longer than we’ve both known each other. something that was meant to be lighthearted and funny was taken so literally and seriously because your defensive about your friend. IDK how else to say the message and the words we made fun of were too mutually exclusive things. it’s like every other time I’ve told you that was supposed to be light hearted or funny and you just get so mad over it. I know it would be silly to blame you for that it just feels like inadequacy on my part for not thinking about how you would react to these things before I say them in the tone I do. everytime i say this shit in a joking tone I feel like it makesyou even madder for belittling the situation that you take so seriously and it makes me not want to tell you things but i also know that’s not a solution either and will just push you away but idk how to handle this. I wish i never told you. it’s so frustrating man. idt you feel any guilt about it because you probably think it’s for a’s best interest but i disagree with you whole heartedly which is why I feel even more strongly about it because through you this friendship was eroded to probably at this point nonexistence. you still won’t get that these were too separate things. I haven’t felt you were straightup wrong in a very long time but i feel that with this. you took something the wrong way then transferred that already incorrect thinking to fuck another relationshp up. i know it was for her best interest in your eyes but i feel like after the context I gave it should’ve opened your eyes a bit more but you just double down on your thinking and it’s frustrating. a taste of my own medicine i guess lol. based on your logic making fun of a word in a message doesn’t constitute bad character..especially when like a said 5 times she called me out for what i said. like what more would you want someone to do in that situation lol. finding humor in emotionally charged situations is a main *mature* coping mechanism in psychology. that’s steering a little too far away from the point though i guess. making fun of an unconventional word someone uses in an emotionally charged message doesn’t translate to making fun of the person or the message. even if it’s not completely independent things that doesn’t mean the satire was malicious or with bad intentions. why would you expect her to think about what she’s saying as deeply as you did when it’s just an everyday conversation lol. ‘i just feel she’s a shitty person for doing that’ when she probably never even thought about the joke again. you can say she could’ve looked at it through anita’s eyes but it’s so fucking hard to do that at baseline I literally struggle with it every day but when this one person does it this one time with a situation that MOST people would probably not think to think that way....to you it’s just black and white she’s a shitty person with bad character. I knw you know that’s not true so why are you being so stubborn about it. i feel like another reaosn you don’t like her is because she was there for me during that time you were really struggling in and thought i wasn’t but like take that out on me not on her. it feels like you are just so much less understanding to any girl in my life and way too understanding with me. I wish it would just balance out a bit more but you’re not a robot. i don’ tknow i’m just upset with how you see this person that’s important to me and that i care about and it ruined a friendship that it shouldn’t have. if i didn’t tell you that one joke things would still be good between them and it’s over something so stupid. i get to you it’s not stupid but take into consideration the context of the conversation at the time not how you want her to feel about it given what you know bc she knew prob 5% of the details you know about our situation so if you should be mad at anyone it’s me not her.

it’s frustrating that anytime i face some sort of emotional adversity i just want to drop everything do nothing and just be left alone. i’ve had the luxury of doing it in the past year with my year off but i have a feeling it’s gonna make it a harder habit to kick. i just wanna sleep and play video games and take my mind off of all of this.

[sometimesrosy]

Binary Stars chap 1: Together

Oh shoot. I just hit 4k followers. It happened sooner than I thought because I got a big bump last week. In celebration, I wanted to start a new fic for you guys. I haven’t been writing fic lately due to nano burnout and not really feeling comfortable in fandom. but, clearly there are still people here who love Bellarke and love The 100 and that’s who has been following me. So. I thought that with all my theories I’ve been developing, and my growing obsession with the storylines that are still coming and my anticipation for the various alien world stories I am speculating, I decided how about some stories?

I am about to start a freelance gig ghostwriting, so I’m not sure how fast I’ll be writing for you, since I’ll have deadlines of my own, and one of the things that has kept me from writing this idea is that if I go ALL the way with my spec, it’s going to be a novel. That’s a LOT. 

So I’m giving you this story, which has Bellarke talking about the 2199 calls, and maybe some others, and maybe we’ll keep it a loose collection of spec fics and interrelated stories. Maybe some alternate theories too. IDK what will happen. Let’s just give it a try and see. :)

Thanks for following me. 

(as soon as i clean out my inbox backlog, I might open up my anons again, or I might open them up on a schedule. Still thinking about how to do it.)

rosymamacita

Summary:

Immediately after season 5 is over, Bellamy and Clarke discuss who should be woken first. Which is business she can handle. They discuss 2199 days that have gone past... which she can't.

Chapter 1

First they woke Abby.

“This is the planet with the two suns, Clarke, you’re the only one who can be on the surface without getting radiation poisoning. And we’ve had enough of that,” Bellamy said while he made his bid for who they should wake first.

“Me and Madi,” Clarke said, biting her lip.

“Exactly. And we don’t want to use your blood—“

“Bone marrow.”

He looked horrified. She could see the memories of Mount Weather in his eyes. She had them, too.

“Even worse,” He said. “So we wake your mom and Jackson, and they make the night blood, then everyone will be protected on the planet. You won’t be special anymore.” He grinned at her then, ducking his head and looking up at her through his hair in a way that made her stomach flip. She couldn’t have that. She nodded swiftly. Business like.

“Like on Becca’s island. What she needed was zero G.”

Bellamy waved his hand at the window, looking out on deep space on the other side of the galaxy. “We have that.”

Once Abby was woken, they needed Raven and Shaw, to handle the technical side. That was also his suggestion. It was easier for her to let him decide. He was used to organizing people. She’d only had Madi. And she wanted her to wake, too.

“Definitely,” he said. “She’s the Commander. She has to be in on the decisions.”

“She’s eleven, Bellamy.”

He nodded. “And we’ll be here to help her make the right choices, won’t we?” She nodded. That was true at least. “And Gaia, to help her control the flame. She helped her. The more control she has, the more she won’t be at its mercy.”

Clarke nodded. Bellamy seemed to have everything under control. He seemed to know what to do. “We should wake Octavia and Diyoza, too, then. They know their people, what they need. How they’ll react to things.”

Bellamy bit his lip and looked away. She wanted to put her hand on his arm, to tell her she understood his sorrow and horror over what Octavia had become, but she couldn’t. It wasn’t hers.

“We should wake Indra too. And Miller. They can keep her in line.”

He shrugged. “Can they?”

She wanted to hug him so badly, but she lost that right. A long time ago. “We should wake your family, too,” she said. He needed them. “Echo. Murphy and Emori.”

Bellamy nodded, slowly, and stopped her with a hand to her shoulder. He turned her to face him. “You’re my family, too, Clarke, you know that right? You and Madi?”

Something in her chest twisted. She shoved it down and smiled brightly at Bellamy. “You’re my family, too,” and she knew the words rang falsely, because that was not it. That was not what he was to her, that was only the smallest part of what he was to her and she couldn’t let him know the rest because it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t real and he didn’t share it. So she smiled. And nodded. And let it be enough.

He shook his head. “No. Not like that, Clarke.”

“What?” Her throat was inexplicable dry, her heart suddenly leaping instead of twisting, maybe both. He held her with both hands now, firmly, so he could look into her eyes. His eyes wouldn’t let her go.

“Madi told me, Clarke.”

“Told you what?” Her words were a bare whisper, but she couldn’t let him know that it was not on purpose, that she did not have control over her voice, over her tongue, over the wild fluttering of her heart.

“She told me you called me every day you were down there. For six years.”

2199 days, she thought, but didn’t say. She just stared into his brown eyes. So warm. So deep. She had never forgotten his eyes but she had forgotten the way they made her feel.

“I talked to you, too, Clarke.”

Clarke’s breath caught.

“Every day. For 2199 days, I stood at the window and I told you what I was thinking, told you what I was feeling.”

“What?”

“Every day. I talked to you, too. I never forgot you. I never let you go.”

Clarke had to swallow. “But… but you thought I was dead.”

He nodded, his hands clenching on her arms. He shrugged. ‘My head knew you were dead. My heart?” He shook his head helplessly. “My heart didn’t care. Clarke, I was in lo—“

“You have a girlfriend.”

He held on tighter. “If you had made it to the ship—“

“Don’t.”

“If you had made it we could have—“

“Don’t, Bellamy.” The panic tightened at her throat and she broke his grip on her, pulling away. The thought of all she had lost. Of all that could have been. She couldn’t bear it. She went to the window, looked out at the planet with the two suns below them. Remembered what the dead earth looked like. Remembered those long six years of living there. Without him. She felt him come up behind her.

He let out a breath. She nearly melted. How was it that just someone’s breath could be so dear.

“I’m sorry Clarke, I just wanted you to know how I felt. If you don’t feel the same—“

“Bellamy…” and his name was filled with all her pain. Six years worth of it. And now. Knowing that he was not hers and could never be hers. “Bellamy… I can’t think about what could have happened…I can’t imagine… I can’t let myself imagine what I lost, that I could have had you…” The words came out choked, nearly voiceless. “It hurts.”

“Clarke,” he said, and he was so sympathetic…so caring… so sad. His hand lightly brushed her back, for comfort, she was sure, and she slipped away from his touch.

She stood at the side of the window and he stood at the other, that look on his face that said how sorry he was.

“I can’t think about the life I didn’t get to have with you, and the rest. I can’t think about being your family or anything else.”

“You are my family, Clarke. You always are, and always will be.”

She choked the sob that wanted to rise back down. She didn’t feel like it. What she’d done. All those years. Just her and Madi. “If I had made it, Madi would probably have died. She would have been all alone. She was just a little girl, Bellamy. That would have been worse. I got left—I stayed behind so I could find Madi.”

“Madi is our family, too, Clarke. I won’t ever let anything happen to her, I promise. I love her, too. You believe me, don’t you?”

Their choices lie between them. The flame. The gladiator ring. Echo. The Eligius. Everything they’d sacrificed. But Clarke believed that Bellamy would do everything in his power to protect Madi. And he’d done it even when he hadn’t agreed with his actions. He had stood there, beside Madi, and protected her. That was the man he was. Just like she’d always seen in him. A good man. A man she could trust. She nodded. “I believe you. And I believe that we can start a new life, me and Madi. You and Echo.”

He shook his head, one short, sharp shake and opened his mouth as if to speak but no words came out.

“ We can all be family, now. Because this is the life we have. This is the life we got. Me and Madi. You and Echo. Whatever we could have had? We didn’t. I spent too many years dreaming and wishing…I had to let it go. And now you have another life, too.” For a second she thought she’d given it away that she hadn’t let it go, hadn’t at all, until she saw him with Echo, but the pain was still too new. It hadn’t settled into her bones yet, gotten slower and deeper so she could breathe through it. It was still too sharp. She had to cut it off, completely. “And it’s a good life.”

She nodded as if it was decided. “She’s good for you. You’re happy. And I’m happy, too, with Madi. We can live with the lives we’ve got now, instead of the one that could have been. We should forget impossibilities, stop dwelling in the past. And look forward.” She was proud of herself for getting it out without the tears she could feel wanting to rise. She’d save those for when she was alone.

He watched her, though, as if he didn’t believe her. For a moment, Clarke thought that he would say no. That he would tell her he wanted something different, something more and her heartbeat sped up again. But instead, he lowered his eyes.

“We have a world to explore,” he said, and looked up at her, something deep burning in his gaze. “We’re a team again, and we’re going to be the good guys, now. Together.”

The word took her breath away. Like a vow. The times they’d shared it, years past, echoed through the ship. “Together,” she said and nodded.

They went to wake Echo, Murphy and Emori, and it wasn’t until much later that she realized he hadn’t agreed to forget.

[seojvns]

everything you didn’t care to know about seojun yoon. 

basic statistics.

full name: seojun yoon. 

nickname: jun, junnie, seo. 

how'd they get it?: they’re just... variations of his name...

age: twenty one. 

date of birth: april 27th. 

zodiac: taurus. 

gender: male. 

sexual orientation: pansexual. 

when did they realize this?: around the age he started being interested in people. it’s never been something he’s struggled with, it’s jus how things were/are. 

nationality: american.

hometown: daejeon, south korea.

current residence: cortland, wisconsin.

occupation: freelance photographer. 

for how long?: umm, probably since high school?? he started out doing it for free, to build his resume, and over time he began building it into something he could actually make money from. not much, but !! getting paid for doing something he loves?? really couldn’t ask for more than that. 

do they like his/her job?: obvs!!! does he wish he could have a lot more clients?? ya, but he’s patient and he’s got the time. 

salary: mm, depends on the job but probably anywhere from $150-250/job. 

family.

any significant ancestors?: ummmm, no. 

grandparents (describe relationship): he was really close to his grandmother, on his mom’s side, who passed away a few years ago. he’s close to his grandfather from that side too, but he’s a bit old fashioned in his views and sometimes conversations are... not really something he can take much from. but he likes his company, and overall they have a good relationship. his grandparents on his father’s side both died before he really got a chance to even know them. 

aunts/uncles (describe relationship): there’s definitely a distance. when he was younger, he’d see more of them, and his cousins too, but as he grew up... it became less of a tradition his parents and his aunts/uncles bothered to keep up with. he sees them at family gatherings, usually around holidays, but that’s about it. 

parents (describe relationship): there’s a lot of distance between him and his parents. his father’s always been distant, even at a young age he wasn’t very invested in seojun. but he’d buy him things, assuming that was a decent enough way to show his ‘love,’ but it only made seojun resentful of the money he tried to use in an attempt to get out of actually caring or showing interest. his mother, on the other hand, cared. but only when he was young. from the time he was adopted, at age five, until about eleven. after that she became more disinterested in him. she also started nitpicking him a lot?? like no snacks, finding a poem and critiquing it, etc. support wasn’t something he was given, which is why he’s become such a desperate lil people pleaser. 

are they still together?: yes, yep. 

what is the character's family life like: it was really lonely growing up, cause even if everyone was home they’d all be off doing their own things. usually seojun was in his room writing, or out exploring and taking photos. he probably would’ve found his way to his hobbies regardless, but their neglect definitely encouraged him to explore them in a way he might not have done much sooner. 

what does their family love most about them?: hmm, probably his manners. he’s a good boy and he’d never embarrass them or anything when they drag him to events or parties, so, yeah! 

hate?: they see him as too shy, and lacking of a personality, but really that’s just because they’ve kind of made him feel like he should just keep quiet and do what he’s told :/ and that’s exactly what he does. 

does the family have a specific set of values?: his parents are very much the type of people who want everything to look perfect on the outside, and not care much about how they actually are on the inside. 

what would their family be described like by another person?: reserved, well put together, successful. 

have they ever had any pets?: he did! he had a dog, a samoyed, which he got from his parents for his seventh birthday. his name was ghost,, original, i know!

what happened to them?: he died a few years ago :/ it was a rly rough time for jun, who basically had him throughout his entire childhood. 

relationships.

are they a virgin?: umm, nope. 

how did they lose it?: i’m embarrassed just thinkin abt it. 

have they ever cheated on a partner?: never would he ever!!! 

has a partner ever cheated on them?: probably. 

how did they react?: better question - did he ever find out? doubtful. 

who was their first crush?: hard to say :/ he gets a new crush everyday :/ 

are they in any kind of romantic relationship?: no!! 

how serious/relaxed is it?: hmph. 

describe the relationship with their current partner: this is... pointless... 

how did they meet?: why ask so many questions based on the POTENTIAL of him bein in a relationship... 

who made the first move?: prob not seojun in any situation ... he’s not very bold 

how does your character truly feel about their partner?: this.... is so redundant... 

when did they realize this?: thank u, next! 

who is your characters closest friend?: minnie uwu 

how did they meet?: umm they’ve been bffs for as long as seojun can remember okay!!! so how they met is just one of those things he doesn’t... rly remember bc it feels like he’s known her his WHOLE entire life, u know?? 

why do they get along so well?: because they’re both cute and soft and they just vibe together well ok,, why question these things?? there’s been so many late nights up talking about anything n everything, so many heartbreaks that she’s been there for, so many adventures they’ve had n have yet to have... she’s his other half!!! <333 

describe relationship with any other significant friends: adrian’s one of the most important ppl to him ?? like ever?? cause he’s jun’s best friend but also a lot more than that. even though they can’t seem to get things right, he’s always gonna have feels for adrian. kian......... gross where do i even begin!!!! seojun would literally die for kian. he’s more than his roomie ok seojun’s so disgustingly attached that no matter what kian did he’d never leave his side lmao #dedicated. jiwon is who seojun would be if he could choose his life sjfsfks she’s jus so,, uwu perfect n everything he aspires to be. he LUVS her even tho she can lowkey be a lil scary?? not in like a way that he’s legit scared but like... she can be intimidating a lil bit. rt if u agree

favorites.

favorite foods: sushi, korean fried chicken, fries. 

least favorite food: black licorice, celery. 

favorite colors: pale yellow and light pink. 

least favorite color: whatever the fuck u call the color blue that tumblr chose for the new bg color fksdjfs

music: pop, r&b. 

literature: mysteries!! 

smell: honeysuckles, bonfires, fresh bread. 

feeling: affection uwu

season: autumn. 

pets: dogs, but... he loves cats too :/ 

place: hmm, he’s really drawn to the woods?? like when he was younger he’d go into the woods with his camera and a book and just spend all fucking day out there. there’s something really peaceful about it ?? and there’s just so much to experience... the woods jus make him soft, k?? 

favorite sport(s): huh

possession this character values most: his camera!!!!!!!! his journals filled with poems about everyone he knows. 

why is it so important to them?: um, his camera is p obvious?? his poetry filled journals, well, that’s p obvious too. he doesn’t want to forget how he felt in the moments where he was inspired to write whatever he wrote. 

physical characteristics.

height: 5′8′‘. 

weight: 130 lbs. 

body build: slim. 

eye color: brown. 

glasses or contact lenses?: contact lenses, but sometimes he’ll wear his glasses when he’s feelin’ lazy. 

hair color: naturally it’s black, but he prob keeps it either light pink or blond.  

scent: tbh idk what to answer for this, describing someone’s natural scent... hard. 

voice: he’s got a soft voice :/ 

mannerisms: says ‘um’ and ‘uh’ too much, whining about nothing, watching anything/everything with subtitles, turns the tab on a soda can sideways. 

style: comfy clothing mostly?? like loose fitting tops and form fitting bottoms. 

how do they walk?: like a fucking model tbh??? 

what are their nervous tics: he’s blushing 99% of the time tbh,, nose scrunches, averting his gaze 

usual body posture: umm, i’d say he’s got p good posture?? idk,,

preferred clothing.

underwear: boxer briefs babey!

shirts: loose!! t-shirts, flannels, hoodies. anything oversized. 

pants: usually black jeans, like, 9 times out of 10. 

skirts: nah. 

jackets: more oversized shit. 

shoes: prob jus black boots? 

accessories: earrings, rings, make up. make up isn’t an accessory rly but i dunno where else to put that so yayuh that’s a thing. 

formal wear: umm he’s a classic black suit kinda guy, prob w a bowtie, idk. 

sleeping wear: t-shirts and boxer briefs,, do ppl ... actually have real pajamas? like in real life? 

swimming wear: swim trunks ig?? weird question but ok. 

intellectual/mental/personality attributes and attitudes.

did they go to school?: ya, duh. 

where?: west bridge!!! 

what did they learn?: he’s studying photography :-)

what were their grades like?: uh, they’re alright... could be better... he wants to do better but his focus is usually just... anywhere but where it should be. so he procrastinates, and turns in things late a lot, and still is trying to do better. 

native language: korean. 

do they know any other languages?: english. 

how smart are they?: not... very... both book smart and street smart. 

what is their strengths?: creativity, generosity, compassion. 

weaknesses?: time management, insecurity, awareness. 

character's short-term goals in life: don’t go to jail, pass all classes. 

character's long-term goals in life: have a lil photography studio and live happily ever after uwu

how does your character see themselves?: umm, he’s self aware enough to know that he’s kind of sheepish?? he feels like he’s probably awkward in,, so many situations, rip, but he tries his best to not be too weird skfjs 

how does your character believe they are perceived by others?: as a soft boy who wants to be everyone’s friend?? hopefully?? 

how self-confident is your character?: UM LOL NOT AT ALL

what makes their self-confidence waver?: everything,, he just never feels like he’s good enough?? prob because of his mom’s nitpicking, his parents’ lack of interest generally, and the fact that he just has a low self esteem overall. 

what would embarrass your character the most?: being put on the spot about anything, having too much attention, falling for someone who doesn’t like him. 

how does your character feel about love: he!! loves love!!! he rly thinks that there’s someone out there for everyone... maybe not in a ~soulmates~ sense, but he thinks that companionship is a big part of happiness.

about crime: he doesn’t commit crimes... often... but if he does it’s because he can be talked into almost anything. 

people of a different sexuality?: loves everyone, thanks. 

different nationality/race?: loves everyone, thanks. 

how does your character show affection/love?: listening to them n remembering things they’re told, hand holding, doing literally anything they ask. 

how does your character handle grief? not well. especially in the case of manon, which has left him with a terrible sleeping pattern and the heavy feeling of guilt. 

what are they like when they cry?: prob like really dramatic,, like cry a lot while curled up in his bed under the covers kinda cry. 

what can make them cry?: betrayal, loss, anxiousness, stress. 

how does your character handle physical pain?: not well, he probably whines a lot and pouts even more. 

emotional pain?: even worse. he’s so forgiving that even if someone hurt him emotionally, he’d forgive them, but he’d probably be lowkey sad (but in a self blame kind of way) about it for awhile.

is your character typically a leader or a follower?: big time follower. 

what kind of energy level does your character typically display?: soft, upbeat, 

describe their sense of humor: prob either lame or softly sarcastic. 

hobbies: takin pics, writing poems, making playlists for people that’ll never hear them, watching shows instead of studying. 

talents: ...takin pics, writing poems, making playlists for people that’ll never hear them...

extremely unskilled at: focusing! and sports. 

if any, what musical instruments can they play?: piano :-) 

emotional characteristics.

how does the character relate to others?: through soft interactions and deep conversations. he’s pretty honest and open, so if someone asks him something, or even just talks to him, chances are he’s being as open with them as he would be with his close friends. 

how does the character deal with anger?: not well, but when he’s angry, he’s usually more upset than angry? and he wants to resolve things as quickly as possible, otherwise he’s stressed abt it until it’s fixed. 

with sadness?: listens to sad music and cries in the shower. drama queen. 

with conflict?: he’s always the first to apologize. 

with change?: he’s actually pretty adaptable for the most part?? but if it were like a major change, maybe not as good. 

with loss?: ummm, could be better!! probably gets a lil distant when he’s dealing with a loss. 

what does your character want out of life?: happiness :/ 

what would your character like to change in his/her life?: the whole manon thing JFKLSF

what motivates your character?: his future, or at least the ideal future he has in mind for himself. 

what frightens your character?: the fact that they could get caught for covering up a murder perhaps??? terrifying. 

are they afraid of the dark?: ...yes, but he acts like he isn’t cause he’s embarrassed. 

death?: not really?? like he doesn’t WANT to die or anything, but he’s not afraid of death.

what makes your character happy?: listening to good music, giving people things that make him think of them, the photo editing process. 

sad?: being alone, the fact that his parents never care to check up on him, films where the main couple doesn’t end up together.

angry?: people being rude to his friends, being lied to, unnecessarily passive aggressive people. 

aroused?: neck kisses, being called baby, someone who’s rly direct and just kind of... does what they want skjfsl 

annoyed?: people who speak over other people.

guilty?: covering up a potential murder, turning things in late, lying. 

is your character judgmental of others?: no. even if he doesn’t agree with their opinions/things they do he still tries to refrain from judgment. 

is your character generous or stingy?: generous af. 

is your character generally polite or rude?: polite!! angel boy. 

optimistic or pessimistic?: optimistic. 

introvert or extrovert?: lil bit of both?? 

daredevil or cautious?: cautious. 

logical or emotional?: emotional lmao. 

disorderly and messy or methodical and neat?: he thinks he’s methodical and neat but he’s actually disorderly and messy. 

would they rather be working or relaxing?: working, even though he thinks he’d rather be chillin he’s kind of terrible at doing nothing. 

how do they feel about animals?: um... he loves them?? he’s the kind of person that’d accidentally let a raccoon in his house and let it stay. 

what is their best quality?: his sincerity. 

what is their biggest flaw?: how trusting he is. 

[eldritchsurveys]

210.

1. Do you ever give things away to your friends? >> I mean, I would...

2. Does it make you uncomfortable when your parents talk about finding people attractive? If your parents don’t make comments like that, what sort of things can your family members say that do make you feel uncomfortable? >> ---

3. Have you ever heard of an “alternative spring break”? Have you ever participated in one or known someone who has? >> Oh, yeah, when I was going to the New Alternatives drop-in center... during Spring Break times there’d often be these college kids that would come in and volunteer for us for an alternative spring break instead of going to Cancun or whatever. I remember us going to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens with one of those groups of college kids, and I think the Natural History museum, and an art museum but I can’t remember which one (MoMA, probably).

4. Is there anyone’s friendship or relationship, in particular, that makes you jealous? >> Yeah. I think I’m just envious of being able to be emotionally close to someone, in general. I feel robbed because I ended up with such shit attachment problems. It’s not their relationship I envy, it’s their ability to, like... be that kind of person to their partner. IDK.

5. Do you feel a sense of community among the Tumblr survey-takers? If not, is it because you’re not interested in that sort of thing or is because you feel excluded for some reason? >> I don’t really know any of the tumblr survey-takers. D: I remember people like Lane from Xanga, so I still keep up with their lives like some kind of creepy one-sided friendship lmfao. (I watched a YouTube video that says this sort of thing is apparently called a “parasocial relationship”.) I don’t really know how to interact with other survey-takers, though, so I just end up knowing a bunch of random things about people without really... knowing them. Or without them knowing me. Trippy.

6. How often do you think about what guys will think of you? >> It’s a reflexive thought process sometimes because of learned social bullshit, but I don’t actually care.

7. Have you ever made a friendship pact with someone, where you pricked your fingers and became blood-bonded? If not, have you ever made any sort of friendship pact? >> No.

8. If you are on birth control that allows you take pills and skip your period, how often do you opt to skip it? How come? >> Literally the only reason I take birth control is because the skip-your-period method of pill-taking exists. It’s a lesser-evil pact-- I get mild dysphoria in order to get rid of something that causes me greater dysphoria. I’ll take it.

9. Is there a book series where you loved the first book, but for some reason the other books in the series just didn’t measure up? >> I don’t think so.

10. If you are a registered voter or are considering registering for this upcoming election, do you know which statewide issues will be on the ballot this November? Can you list some and share which way you will be voting on them? >> This would have been more timely last year.

11. Have you ever been to Pride? If not, have you ever been to any sort of Slut Walk or other protest? >> I have been to (and in) NYC Pride.

12. Are there any stores/restaurants that you would like to shop/eat at, but there aren’t any located near enough to you? >> I can’t think of any off the top of my head.

13. If you are a part of a certain fandom or are a fan of a popular series/musician, is there a rivalry between your fandom and another one (e.g., Lady Gaga fans vs. Katy Perry fans or Marvel vs. DC)? >> I think there are various rivalries in the fandoms I’m in, but I don’t pay attention to them. That’s not my area of interest.

14. How many people would you say you are close with? Who are they? >> :T ...Inworlders! Yep.

15. Do you ever have smell hallucinations? >> I don’t think so. 

16. If you were told by a professional that you were unable to become pregnant, how would that affect you? Is there something important to you about conceiving a biological child rather than adoption? And finally, if you even want to have children, would you choose adoption or surrogacy or would you go on childless? >> It wouldn’t affect me one way or the other, because my lack of sexual activity means I can’t get pregnant regardless. I’d much rather my reproductive organs shrivel up and fall out of my body one day so I never have to deal with them again, that’d be the ideal. Not being able to get pregnant but still getting a period is like some kind of cruel fucking joke-- if I can’t get pregnant then why does this literal hell still happen every month???? Fucking bodies. Anyway, I don’t care if I never get to raise a child, really. It’s not a priority. In fact, I’m willing to bet I’m better off without doing so.

17. Is there something that you did not used to take seriously, that you either now take seriously or wish that you had in the past (e.g., a relationship that you miss, your education, etc.)? >> I wish I’d taken my drug usage more seriously instead of thinking I was invincible just because I’d been extremely lucky. Maybe I could still enjoy drugs on occasion instead of now going todash every time I so much as eat an edible.

18. Are there any subjects that you are interested in so much that you would read whole books or academic journals about them? >> Whole books, of course, depending on the writer... academic journals tend to be too jargon-heavy for me.

19. Are you physically affectionate with your friends? >> No.

20. When you were in middle school and high school, did you witness a lot of bullying? How did the teachers react to name-calling or violence? >> Not so much outright bullying as just... the less obvious kind of social exclusion and us-vs-them-ing. You know, getting ready for adulthood. :|

21. If there is a specific celebrity (or two, or three!) that you dislike, is it because of petty reasons or is it because they’ve done something absolutely damning in your mind? >> I just don’t like Russell Crowe. It used to be a joke when I lived with Vlad-and-Company because I didn’t have a good reason or anything, I just would yell “FUCK RUSSELL CROWE” any time he was brought up. I don’t know what annoys me so badly about him, but I like to be hyperbolic about it. And I don’t like Johnny Depp anymore, because he just got over-cast and over-hyped and then all the abuse stuff came out and I was like “well that was expected but it really does put the last nail in his coffin lmao”. But most actors I’m pretty apathetic about.

22. Are any of your friends/relatives actually impressive artists or writers? Are you willing to share an example of their work? >> I know a variety of impressive (to me) artists and writers here on tumblr. I’m not just going to randomly put their work in a survey answer with no context or anything, though, that feels weird.

23. When it comes to relationships/crushes, are you more often the pursued or the pursuer? >> ---

24. Do you have anyone’s tweets sent directly to your phone? Whose? >> No. LOL I think Sparrow does that with Hozier.

25. Do you ever find yourself making negative comments about other people’s appearances, whether it’s people you dislike or even just people on tv? >> Yeah, sometimes. It’s a dumb learned behaviour that I got sick of a while ago and stopped doing nearly as much as most people, but I haven’t completely unlearned it.

[shitthehousessay]

 Alright, it took a day (albeit I haven't really had much of a chance to work on it), but it's finally done. Here's my responses to the 102 questions^^. I probably put too much personal info on this site lol.

I’m doing this on my laptop because of how long it is, but answers are under the cut. Hope you enjoy random tidbits about me!

--Zero (the [other] Ravenclaw)

1. What is their full name?

While I usually use and prefer Zero Ace as an online name, my irl name is Solomon.

2. Zodiac sign

Pisces

3. In detail describe how they look

I'm 5'10" with a build like Shaggy Rodgers. I'm about,,,, less than 120lbs (that's a guess really, it's probably way less or slightly more.). You ever see a cloud? Yeah, imagine one as black wavy/curly hair with red tips (natural, not dyed) that goes to about the bottom of my neck. Brown eyes, half philipino (no, I don't know any of the language), decent moustache, and I've been told by various people that they thought I was a stoner when they first met me.

4. How old are they?

I am 16

5. What clothes to they like to wear?

I don't really have any kind of set style either. I usually just go with whatever's comfy for me.

6. What’s their favorite piece of clothing?

I've got this really soft brown fake leather jacket that my dad got me about two or three years ago that I used to wear consistently, but I'm not sure if I have a 'favorite'.

7. Any piercings?

Nope

8. Do they have any other jewelry they wear?

I wear a Timex Ironman analogue watch that I got at Walmart a few years ago ('twas on sale) and a ring with a part that spins in the middle that I bought in like sixth grade at the Newseum in DC.

9. Any tattoos?

Nah

10. How old are they?

See above

11. What do they smell like?

Idk, disappointment probably

12. What are their four trinkets?

(I'm gonna do stuff on my school backpack for this one) -- I've got a Ministry of Magic keychain, a Pokeball keychain, a Spiderman keychain, and a Ravenclaw house emblem pin.

13. GOVERNMENT MANDATED FERSONA

Roomba with a knife taped to it

14. What kind of magic are they good at?

Accidental Procrastination, aka Time Travel

15. What kind of magic are they bad at?

Luck

16. Of the four, six or seven magical elements which are they most connected to? Four: fire,air water earth. six: fire,air,water, wood,earth, metal. Seven:fire, air, water, wood, earth, metal, aither.

Not sure if this is asking about choosing a single element or a group, so I'm gonna go with water.

17. What does their gateway look like prior to their memory loss? What does it look like afterwards?

(I'm not sure what this is asking)

18. Do they have a familiar? If they do. What type of animal is it? What is it’s name? Is it still around after they lost their memory?

I have an old yellow cat named Iris and he's pretty cool. We share birthdays and he's one year older than me.

19. Have they ever cursed someone?

I have tried and I will continue to try.

20. How do they handle those headaches/migraines?

I sometimes put headphones in and listen to ambience after taking some medicine, but on some of my bad days I just wait for them to pass, even when it takes a few hours.

21. What tarot card do they connect the most with?

I'm gonna be honest: I know next to nothing about tarot cards.

22. Where were they born?

Tennessee

23. What is their favorite color?

Like a light blue or teal. Specifically though? #41A9B8

24. What is their least favorite color?

This is a tough one. I'm gonna go with like a rusty brown

25. Are they right handed, left handed or ambidextrous?

Right handed

26. What were they like as a child?

This would take a while, but I was a little shit, imo. (Also, kinda hard for me to remember specifically rn)

27. What were their parents like?

My dad's okay, he's not the best but he's doing great. My mom? Well, let's just say my opinion of her has always been pretty decent of her up until around when 2018 started.

28. Do they have any siblings? If the answer is yes how many?

Yes, I have three half brothers, two on my mom's side (who I wish would die) and one on my dad's side.

29. Do they have any other relatives they are close with?

I've got a lot of aunts (dad's side) that I consider myself close with, along with a few cousins. There's also my Grandma and Grandpa (dad's side) that I love a lot. I also have a nephew who's about I wanna say 5 or 6 years old who's a blast to hang out with.

30. What are they afraid of?

Spiders kinda scare me. And a few things associated with low self-esteem that I don't want to mention here.

31. What do they identify as?

I am a Demi-Pansexual dude

32. Do they have any allergies?

None that I know of

33. Do they have any other medical problems?

I can't think of any specifics right now

34. What about mental health issues?

Depression and Anxiety both are self-diagnosed though. I'm waiting until after highschool, or until the age where I can legally keep things like those to myself without having to tell my parents, before I go to get them diagnosed

35. What’s that personal hygiene regimen like?

Showers at least once a day, twice if possible. Remember to try to brush your teeth, too.

36. Favorite rock or gemstone?

Amythest because it's my birthstone

37. Favorite tree?

Redwoods are pretty cool

38. Favorite type of weather?

Not too hot, not too cold and sunny and cloudless or overcast and rainy, depending on mood

39. Least favorite type of weather?

The type of cloudless hot day that just saps your energy away like nothing else

40. What is their favorite season? (remember winter is summer and spring is fall)

Winter

41. How many languages could they speak before the memory loss? How many do they currently speak?

English and very broken French

42. Do they sing or play any instruments?

I sing from time to time (albeit not very good) and I have an ocarina that I really want to take time and learn

43. What do they tend to joke about?

Self-deprecation is my go-to, then there's vine humor and some standup, then just nonsense humor (See: bORGER)

44. After a stressful day how do they relax?

Nap a bit, then some music and/or video games

45. Guilty pleasures?

Idk, I can't think of any. Sonic ‘06, maybe is the closest thing that I have to one.

46. idiosyncrasies?

I guess you could list a lot of the usual ADHD stimming methods. I also adjust my glasses from the side sometimes whenever I’m nervous/anxious or when I want to appear confident. Adjusting my watch on my wrist is also something that I do a lot. I know I have a lot more, but :/

47. How do they act when they first meet someone new? How quickly do they warm up to them?

I can be kinda timid and quiet. I usually try to listen in on conversations involving that person/people to try to find somethings that I can remember and use for initiating conversations, especially if it’s with stuff that I know a bit about. It usually takes two or three semi-long times amd well interactions spent with me for me to start being comfortable around other people. I don't warm up too quickly, unless if you can get through my barriers pretty well

48. In what order would they prioritize Love, fame, money, power, and knowledge?

Love, knowledge, money, power, fame

49. List four or more things they love to do

Draw, read, talk with internet friends, play video games, browse the internet

50. List four or more things they hate to do

doing boring and uninteresting school work, being an unnecessary nuisance, hearing about family drama, engaging in school drama

51. List five or more things they have said that sum up who they are

"I'm laughing my ass off rn because the program the state is using for EOC testing was apparently hacked so we aren't testing today, but when my class heard it almost everyone started looking at me and saying I did it." [...] "Meanwhile: I nearly tripped over my backpack"

"Oh good, we get to make memes of stuff in the Louvre for extra credit. Looks like my grade is about to rise drastically."

"I’m gonna go provoke this cult so I can get asks in my inbox"

“I stole this haircut from a lion”

"I have many problems"

52. How do they react to (both verbal and physical) conflict?

I'm a pacifist so I try to stay out of situations like that (They bring up too many negative memories and emotions for me)

53. What kind of bad habits to they have?

I have a lot of trouble with a perfectionist mentality. It gets me into a lot of sticky situations

54. What kind of character faults do they have?

What even is self-esteem/ self-worth/ self-love????? To me, my needs come last. Self-doubt out the wazoooooo. Tons of unresolved shit. That's barely even scratching the surface.

55. What’s their best trait in their opinion?

I try to have a lot of empathy for people and I want to make people happy, even if I’m not happy.

56. What do they think of their appearance?

I like mine, at least a bit.

57. How do they interact with people in a position of authority?

Honestly, it just depends on the person. If the person in question is a dick, you better believe I’m not going to react well to their face.

58. Who did they look upto as a kid?

Mostly like video game characters from games that I played.

59. How do they interact with kids?

I like kids pretty well.

60. Do they want kids of their own someday?

I don't know. I don't think I'm at a point in my life where I can answer that right now.

61. Are they religious? If so what god/goddess or gods/goddesses do they worship?

I'm agnostic

62. What do they think the meaning of life is?

Idk... Maybe... Self-discovery, in a way.

63. What would they want their last words to be?

There are three roads. Maybe omething meaningful, like "Thank you," maybe something vague and prophetic like, "You won't have to wait much longer," or maybe, just maybe, something like, "I'll be back bitches!!!"

64. What do they want to do before they die?

I want to make at least one game and book that people enjoy and that I will be satisfied with

65. What/how do they want to be remembered for after they die?

I would like to be remembered fondly by people who knew me.

66. How do they express affection?

I'm usually very asocial, so if I make an active effort to maintain communication with someone, then they usually mean something to me. I also send memes and stuff. Also, I try to open up a little more around people that I trust

67. What do they normally eat for breakfast?

It usually just depends on how much time I have in the morning. Can range from poptarts to a slice of toast between two pieces of bread to leftover pizza

68. Do they like spicy food?

Yeah

69. Favorite fruit and or vegetable?

Favorite fruit is probably mandarin oranges and my favorite vegetable is probably carrots

70. Do they like sweets?

On occasion

71. Do they drink alcohol? If they do, what do they act like when their drunk?

Nope, but probably like a damn fool

72. How do they take their tea/coffee?

I like sweet ice tea or maybe some herbal tea with a small bit of sugar or honey. As for coffee, I don't usually drink it, but I can drink it pure black or french vanilla

73. What food would they refuse to eat?

Most things that have a weird texture and/or smell

74. Is there anything they eat that most people would find unappealing?

You ever drink just straight sauces? Like A1 steak sauce or barbecue sauce? Yeah....

75. When going on the road what food could they not live without?

I need me some original ritz

76. What meal gives them a sense of nostalgia?

Not sure about nostalgia, but my school sells fresh-made chocolate chip cookies during lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I get them a lot when I'm having bad days

77. What do they do when no one’s around?

I sometimes sing and maybe hop around, but I usually just do stuff that I do when people are around (like browse tumblr)

78. How would they react if a prized possession got stolen?

Cry, feel numb, or go ballistic. There is no in-between.

79. What’s the first thing they would buy if they won the lottery?

A better computer, that's for sure

80. What would their favorite modern invention be?

The Nintendo Switch!!

81. In a new unfamiliar place what do they do?

Observe the surroundings from the sidelines before doing anything

82. Someone just threatened them what do they do?

It depends on the situation, but I either brush it off or I take precautionary measures (like a protective order if my life is being threatened)

83. A rather well rich looking woman just dropped her purse and didn’t notice. What do they do?

I might try to give it back.... after I check her wallet and get some cash as an award...

84. What’s the worst thing someone has said to them?

The one that sticks out the most is probably the time when one of my older half-brothers was yelling at me and said that if I ever wonder why people say that I act like a school shooter it's because I act like one most of the time (all this stemmed because I was frustrated over a book recommendation not posting and instead of letting me silently cool down, my mom and brother kept on talking crap about me and I decided to say "Just shut up for a few minutes").

Oh, but there’s also the time when I went with my dad to the divorce case’s hearing to testify against my mom and my brothers and the judge looked at me and said “You’re 16, right? In two  years, you’ll be 18. When I was 18 I was heading to war. So, if you’re gonna cry, go do it somewhere else because I don’t want anyone coming up here and being a crybaby in my courtroom.” That fucking stunned me when he said it.

 85. What is the strangest thing they’ve ever come across?

"can i hear your belly" has to be the weirdest and most unsettling direct message that I have ever gotten from someone who isn't a bot and it haunts me to this day

86. Someone just stole food from them what do they do?

I don't usually eat a lot, so if someone takes food from me I don't really care.

87. They meet a man at a crossroads. The man says they can have everything they’ve ever wanted. What happens next?

I would check to see if there was anything I want to make sure that my family and friends and people who are close to me that haven’t experienced mental illnesses like depression or anxiety to never develop any mental illnesses as long as they live, before anything.

88. As a child what would they say they wanted to be as an adult? ie. When I grow up I’m going to _______

My dream has always been and continues to be to become a successful video game developer and/or producer. I want to help create worlds to escape to when the real world becomes a bit too overbearing.

89. What’s their D&D alignment?

I consider myself a neutral good

90. What is the stupidest thing they’ve ever done?

Oof, that's a long list. Probably entering the crawlspace under my Grandma's house too fast and getting a part of my lower back pretty bad. Boy, did it leave a pretty big scar.

91. Have they ever got in trouble with the law or been arrested?

Nope

92. Do they know how to win a fight?

I like to think so. I'm not going to not play dirty if I feel like I'm in danger. Also try to use the environment to your advantage if possible.

93. Are they good at hand to hand combat?

I dunno. I doubt it, but I haven't really tried.

94. Have they ever stolen something?

I have, but really only minor things and only from people that I hate

95. Have they ever killed someone?

Not yet, :p

96. What/who do they find disgusting?

I can't look at stuff or pictures like decaying stuff (like dead stuff) without gagging

97. What upsets them the most?

Conflict mostly. The thought that I'm bothering people also does it. And I feel odd, to say the least about physical contact.

98. What anime character would they be?

I feel like maybe Fafnir (Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid) or either Shinra or Mikado (Durarara!) could fit me.

99. What disney character would they be?

I didn't really know about this one, so I asked a few of my friends and one of them [the one who actually answered my question with an actual Disney character] said that I remind them of Sora from Kingdom Hearts, on the grounds that I've "got a good heart" and I'm "always confused". It was the nicest thing I've heard all week^^

100. What monster would they be?

Knife-wielding tentacle

101. What mythological figure would they be?

Tbh, I don't know enough mythology off the top of my head to answer this question.

102. List three songs that you associate with them.

Hmm.... this one is very tough for me because there are different songs that define different points in my life... As for songs that kinda aren’t bound by specific points in my life, even if I haven’t known these songs all my life, I'm thinking that these could fit the best here:

ECHO (feat. GUMI) by Crusher-P

Simple Life by Fox Stevenson

Canonball (Mythos Remix) from Megaman Zero 3

Anyway, I hope you now know a little more about me now. Do what you will with the information, I guess  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . It’s really late for me and I’m really tired so I may go ahead and get some sleep for tonight. Have a good one everyone^^ !

[t-eenge-lust]

At the start you saw me once a week. Understable the night shifts were hard to recover from. I saw you at night and for two - three hours the next day and you’d leave. Conditioned to think thats as much time as you wanted with me.

Couldn’t do more than a task a day with me because it was too much.

First time meeting your friends. You said you’d slit your wrists because telling your parents about us dating would be awkward. After dating you for 4 years, idk why that would have ever been awkward to say you have a great relationship with them.

I moved out of home and barely saw you. Half due to me being in such a bad place for 18months-2 years. I apologise for that. I’m sorry you had to be the one supporting me during that. You saved my life. Just like eddie did when I was 14.

When house mates went away, 3 years in a row at the same time for a couple of weeks. You literally told me you were lazy and knew you had to put in effort. Didn’t happen. Still didn’t really see me.

Really hard to have a conversation without being put down, laughed at, or questioned.

We made plans together 5 weeks from said day we planned it. You never told me you were replacing me with someone else. Found out by you trying to casually mentioning it 2 days prior. Made more excuses. Never did that to anyone else, only me. Okay cool.

Tried asking me to start saving for a house together at the worst time and way. Knowing full well that meant more than getting on one knee with a ring. I apologised for the way I reacted. Then you laughed in my face when I finally asked you for help when you were offering some form of help. I never ask for help, i finally did an was humiliated. I was done then and we didn’t speak for two weeks. I gave you a second chance.

You then tried to hide you were going to a strip club for a bucks. We had spoken about the strippers long before any bucks and I never cared because its their job. Whatever. Until you try and hide it because I’m your girlfriend. No okay. You then say you felt shit for going but got a dance anyway, cool do you. You don’t go on saying you got one because you were horny. I should have never read those words. You then continued to touch said woman which after you being so horny is just not okay. Maybe thats crazy me but idc. That really really sucked. I really tried being a good sport about that.

I then tried talking about a future. Telling you id stop uni right now to work and save for a house together. You said no and it was an ultimatum. Idk how. Would have changed nothing for you besides a house together.

I waited a long time for you to decide if you want to live with me and you couldn’t? Excuses always. Then the day I find out if I have been accepted for a place you decide to tell me you’d like to live out of home and with me.

I wish I was enough for you. I’m not and never was going to be.

[isroselalondebisexual]

This one's a bit weird, but what about these kid/trollswaps: Rose Pyrope, Jade Peixes, John Zahhak, and Dave Vantas

Ooo, swapped by Class :D

Rose Pyrope, raised in relative solitude, not meeting Dragonmom until she’s 10ish years old (about 5 sweeps I’d say), with solidly middle class income. She writes. ALL of the fanfiction. She’s got access to resources, even though everything has to be shipped out to her, so she probably frequents whatever the troll equivalent of Wish and Amazon are a LOT, probably has a bunch of dumb wizard flarping gear that she really likes, as well as “edgy” and “sinister” flarping gear that really just makes it look like she shops at Troll Hot Topic. She lives in a tree, so she probably waxes poetic about the sound of wind rushing through the branches much like she had that lil tangent about the sound of rushing water underneath her canon home. Meeting her lusus in her dreams and learning how to “see” with her nose would probably just make her even more inquisitive about the world around her, another method by which she can take in information, though Dave probably makes a lot of jokes about how “nosy” she is B) Rose has a Scalesona and she and Jade roleplay together ALL THE TIME. Rose being the Seer of Mind would probably result in her role being someone who sees into the minds of others and can understand their psyche. A blinded Seer (not physically blind, but like, magically blind) would have issues seeing the good or ill intents of those around them, and probably just blindly hope that things will work out for the best without critically thinking about a person’s actions and motivations, while a Seer that came into her godhood would be, well, something like a therapist, something like a psychologist, something like- Rose. What I’m saying is Rose’s interests absolutely line up with being a Seer of Mind very fucking closely. She’d love that role give it to her please.

Jade Peixes would be quite similar to Feferi, I think. Being a child, and a very monetarily privileged child, she’d likely have a skewed perception of the world and very lofty, well-intentioned, but ultimately juvenile plans. “Kill the Condesce, rule Alternia, make everybody be nice to each other” would sum it up pretty nicely, and I could picture her being a little condescending herself. Probably still bottles her own emotions and cares too much about what other people are feeling and if she can help them out at all, and idk if Eridan is still around in this AU but if not it’d be fine because Jade, like Feferi, is a fucking kickass STRONG girl (or, gill, as it might be ;3) who can haul whales on her own. Probably has a bunch of fancy ion rifles and whatnot and only uses her trident for ceremonial stuff. Wouldn’t enjoy killing animals because she likes those a lot and is enamored with how cool animals are, but a duty is a duty and unless she has a friend or datemate to help her out then she’s the one who’s gotta do it. Probably thinks her mom is really badass, even though she’s pretty strenuous a lot of the time. Rose is very likely the only person who can get her to open up about how sucky having to take care of her is, bc, again, Jade does not like to talk about her feelings, but Rose is as nosy as she is loving so hey it works out. As Witch of Life, Jade is probably filled with enthusiasm at the fact that she can bring about LIFE. She doesn’t have to kill anything she doesn’t want to anymore, just some battle imps and those are just Game constructs anyway, she’s a HEALER, someone who can impart life into others! Gone are the nights of having to kill things just so she could avoid killing other things, her focus can move away from death, and focus instead on growth, on life, on Life, and that’s so wonderful! She’s so, so HAPPY with her role, she is all but too glad to move mindsets from focusing on death to instead flourishing with life. Probably gets along with the horrorterrors of the furthest ring really well and says hi to them whenever she’s on Derse. They’re like, her weird great-aunts and uncles, sort of, her mom was their emissary so she’s sorta like, every horrorterror’s baby sister/niece. 

John Zahhak! Strong boy against. It is a role meant to help him grow not by challenging him in ways that help him into his role, which allows him to flourish, but challenges him by forcing him to go against his natural inclination, against what he’s used to, against what he was raised with, against his own expectations. He has to fight against staying quiet on the sidelines always watching, never engaging, so that he can become involved with his friends and engage in healthy emotional interactions. He has to fight against his own upbringing, that told him that he was important and others weren’t. Has to fight against the idea that has been pounded into his head over and over and over again that the world is cold and harsh and uncaring and he has to realize that life is as kind as we make it, and there is kindness in him, there is goodness in him, and he has to step out of the shadows and DO something with that.

Dave Vantas. Hoooooo. Paranoid boy. Very paranoid boy. Thinks the WORLD of his crabby dad. Very very twitchy. I can’t really see Dave getting particularly angry or short fused, but I CAN see him being deeply insecure which leads to him saying things he doesn’t necessarily mean in order to make himself feel/seem better, which inadvertently hurts others. Rose is a MENACE in his life because she’s very snoopy and he is secretive for a REASON Rose! He loves her dearly tho. Probably thinks that John is “cool” and “aloof” and “mysterious” when really John just doesn’t know how to engage. Very likely still makes shitty comics and they more than likely satirize the caste system, also the rigidity of quadrants. So like, it SEEMS like he’s making general run of the mill schlup to any algorithms looking for civil dissent, but people who pay attention can tell that Dave is actually doing some pretty quality satire for a tiny child and it’s some quality stuff, by which I mean the quality is terrible as Andrew Hussie is evil. Knight of Blood means he’s fiercely protective of his friends, and with Crabdad’s upbringing, he’s a right menace to anything he considers a threat. Is the mom friend of the group. “Have you eaten today?” “You need to eat” “So help me god I will go to your planet and feed you myself if you do not put some food in your body” “No popcorn is not a meal eat actual FOOD.” Being protective of his bonds likely means he still has some pretty fierce abandonment issues tho, and likely is still just as much of an attention whore as he is in canon because he needs to know that his friends still love him and want him around and care about him. It’s very important to him, but he winds up coming off as clingy which he HATES because he can feel himself doing it but at the same time he really really really could use the reassurance that he’s not being annoying but he feels like if he asks to much that MAKES him annoying and who does he even think he is, anyway. His blood color is a source of p big anxiety for him and he’s likely internalized a lot of the “if you’re hot blooded youre not important” rhetoric of Alternia. Fortunately, it is his bonds with his friends that then turn around and keep him safe from himself, because all his friends love him and absolutely do NOT value him any less just because he’s hot and off-spectrum, and yeah okay he can get a little annoying but they don’t think he’s annoying as a person! Just every now and then. They probably all do some stupid friendship gesture like in Yugioh or smth so Dave can always know that his friends love him and it’s cheesy and ridiculous and they all love it. 

Neat swaps! People of the same Classes are quite similar, looks like :O!

[e-namor-a]

Masked Pt. II

Alrighty Kiddos here we go. This one is shorter than I would’ve liked but I worked and reworked it and this is just how it turned out. Also this seemed to have grown more than i wanted it to? Because right now it seems to be growing to 5 parts but idk, ya’ll lemme know if you want me to keep going?

pt. i WARNING: Fuck load of cussing, some mentioned smut, shit ton of Angst.

Bucky couldn’t move. In his arms was a hysterical scantily clad blonde, and outside, just a few feet away, getting in to a cab, the love of his life. 

 He desperately wanted to go after you, wrap you in his arms and just pretend that what had just happened, hadn’t. But he couldn’t because the fact was, he had cheated on you. Repeatedly. And at the time he thought his reasons were justified, he thought they were solid but now, standing in this lobby, watching you leave, he couldn’t think of why he had ever thought that.  

He wanted to explain, he wanted to tell you about how things had spiraled, how it had gotten this far, how he felt. But this was the end. This was the end and right now more than anything he wanted to see your face one more time. He wanted to look into your eyes, those beautiful eyes, that he by the second date, was sure were the eyes he wanted to wake up to for the rest of his life, and show you how wrong he was. He willed you to look up, to let him see your face and look into your eyes and by some miracle you did. You looked up and although you weren’t one for emotions, at that moment the vast unending ocean of pain in your eyes was enough to leave Bucky breathless; to almost bring him to his knees.   He was frozen. Completely unable to move. Completely unable to look away. He just looked and looked recommitting to memory every detail of your face, until some tendrils of your hair covered your face and you turned away. Watching you get into the cab and seeing it pull out onto the street, was enough to make Bucky surge towards to the door to try to set things right. At least he tried but Mariah tugged him off balance, wrapping her arms around him and by the time he had regained his balance and shook her off, you had disappeared into the taxi filled streets of the New York night. 

He stood outside staring off into the night feeling the biting cold on his bare skin, hoping that he’d be able to see which direction you had gone, but you had effectively blended into the crowded night. Bucky turned on his heel, and walked past Mariah into the elevator. He walked into the apartment, slamming the door, the sound echoing in the silence and stumbled into your shared bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed just staring around at what was left. Your books were gone, you had never had a vast collection, but the ones you had were precious to you; dog eared and written in. Your blanket was gone, the one that was worn and faded and in Bucky’s opinion kinda gross, but nevertheless your favorite. Your drawers were haphazardly emptied, a lot of your clothes remained. Your night stand was emptied out and the clutter that was usually found on top of it was gone. He shivered and made his way to the closet, to get some clothes to put on, desperate for some warmth, something to chase the chill out of the empty bedroom, out of the empty apartment. Standing in the doorway of the closet, another blow came at him. He saw that his side of the closet, had remained untouched. His jeans were still neatly folded, his shirts still hung up; everything was nice and tidy. But on your side, garments had been pulled off hangers, some shirts had been torn and thrown to the floor, broken hangers hung forlornly, and the safe, located at the back of the closet, the one that held weapons, was open. All of your weapons had been taken, all the ones that he had given as gifts were thrown on the floor, or stuck to the wall or had been used to decorate the closet with shreds of clothes, clothes that he had bought you. He ignored everything, fighting to break down, and dressed himself in warm black winter clothes, and made his way back to sit on the bed. His emotions threatened to overwhelm him and made it hard for him to not cry. He swallowed thickly, he had no right to cry or feel sad. It was his fault that he had found himself in this situation.  

He looked around again and noticed all your knick knacks were still on the shared bureau. All the things he had brought abroad and brought home for you, things he thought you’d like; all the things that had helped make the room feel homey.  Feel like it was lived in and loved. He reached out with his vibranium arm and gently picked up the carved elephant he had brought back from a mission in Indonesia. He stared briefly at the little animal, with its jeweled eyes and colorful design, and turned it over, looking at the ‘I love you’ he had written on its stomach, his own clenching guiltily. He placed it back next to the beetle encased in amber from Australia, the Einstein bobble head from Washington, the little jar of pink sand from Greece. You had left them all behind and despite how cozy they had made the room feel once, it now felt cold.

Different.

 It took Bucky a second to fully acknowledge why. There were no more pictures on the wall. The ones from your anniversaries, the Christmas parties, the random moments that he felt captured your beauty and deserved to be framed.  He hadn’t seen you take them but they were gone. All that remained was a slightly faded outline of the frames and the nails. Despite the clear signs that you had left and ended things, he hadn’t until that moment wanted to accept it. Finally, acknowledging that the pictures that showed snapshots of the life you two had built together, were gone, the tears he had been pushing back sprung forward. The true reality of what had happened punched him in the gut.  You were gone. Truly gone. The night had swallowed you whole and he wouldn’t be able to find you; you were too good. 

Fuck. You were everything to him. He wished he had told you that more, he wished he had held you all those times you were clearly not ok. He wished you had let him in the way he let you in, so he could show you that you wouldn’t ever be alone. So he could show you he understood your pain. Understood you. But you had never let him. You had pushed him away at every turn and it hurt him. He loved you more than he would ever be able to say, but sitting there on your side of the bed you two had shared, his feelings of loneliness, uselessness, and of being unwanted grew. 

He didn’t know how to tell you things, and God he wanted to. He wanted to tell you how he felt, and how worried he felt about you but every time he tried you brushed him off. You made him feel worthless, and it brought his raging insecurities surging forward. He was only human, and despite the years of general progress he had made, there are some things he couldn’t shake.   So he had sought refuge from them in someone else and it would haunt him forever. He had shattered the beautiful complicated thing between you two. Taken a hammer to it and beat the fuck out of it. He was so ashamed; self-loathing and guilt welling inside him, about to explode out, when a sound from the bedroom door brought him back. He hoped it was you, though deep down he knew it would never be, and he turned to see Mariah smiling sultrily leaning against the door frame, twirling a piece of hair around a manicured finger. She padded towards the bed, smiling coyly as she slowly pulled up the blue sweater, revealing her naked body. Bucky didn’t flinch, not even when Mariah placed herself in his lap, smiling up at him through her lashes, legs wrapped around his waist, arms twined around his neck and fingers weaved into his hair as she pushed herself against him. After a beat, she pulled back, frowning lightly, quick eyes searching his face  before she leaned forward putting her hands on his scruffy face and gently bringing it down to hers, leaving wet open mouth kisses on his lips, cheeks and down his throat, subtly rocking back and forth, trying to elicit a reaction from him. He didn’t let himself think, simply reacted, letting his self-loathing and hatred pull him into her. He gave Mariah what she wanted and kissed her back softly at first and then rough and hard, pulling her hair to give him access to her throat as he bit and nipped his way down. Making certain to leave marks and bruises. He flipped and threw her on the bed, the one he had once shared with you, had made love to you on, and for a moment he faltered.  But you were gone and he was to blame, so he pushed the thoughts away, always remaining cold, aloof and angry as he kissed down her body, as he ate her out, as he pushed himself into her. Losing himself in her, as he sought to soothe his pain. After, he gruffly got off her, sighing wearingly and collapsed onto his side of the bed, next to her, sweat matting his hair. Mariah got closer, intent on cuddling him, in that post- sex bliss, but he smoothly pushed her away. He watched her pull up the sheets and turn, facing away from him, shoulders sagging in rejection and he remembered how you had done that too, and how he had always let you, thinking that you just needed some time alone. The memory hit him hard, and he stiffened before exhaling harshly and pulling her closer to him, intent on soothing the ache of your memory, and let her blonde hair fan out on your pillow, wrapping his arm around her bare waist. He pulled a strand, letting it tangle in his fingers, trying to keep himself present. It was working until he breathed deeply in.  Her scent was wrong. You had always smelled of flowers and your natural scent. It was a mixture entirely unique to you. It had always permeated the sheets, the pillows and your hair and it made Buck’s heart beat a little faster to breathe it in. Mariah smelled candy sweet and it made Bucky’s stomach curl. It was a smell that was cloyingly sweet and stuck to everything like glue, it was masking your scent, making it disappear, and abruptly Bucky couldn’t hold her for a second longer.  He pushed himself away, subtly leaning away as far as he could. Mariah noticed though, and she turned to face him staring. She huffed, frustration finally coloring her features, and turned back on her side, wrapping the bed sheet around her as she sat up and looking around the room. Bucky laid in the darkened bedroom, a hand covering his eyes as he heard Mariah moving around. He couldn’t hold back his thoughts anymore. Sex with Mariah normally got his blood rushing, made him feel loved, wanted; made lust shoot through him but now it repulsed him. Self-loathing, that he had thought would be abated, rose up again, pure and thick, inside him.

He could feel it under his skin, leaving him a jittery angry mess, desperate for an out. This was all wrong. Abruptly he sat up, eyes still closed, unable to stay still, especially in the bed that had once belonged to you and now had been tainted by another woman. 

He swallowed thickly again, his new mistake weighing down on him heavier than ever, and opened his eyes to see Mariah standing by the chest of drawers, toying with that small carved elephant he had gotten you in Bali. She frowned staring at it, before smiling thinly at it and throwing it carelessly behind her, before moving onto the small bottle of pink sand. His eyes watched it bounce on the carpet twice, before lying there dejectedly and Bucky felt something snap deep inside him. Who the fuck did she think she was? Who the fuck did he think he was? “Get out Mariah. Get the fuck out”, Bucky bit out, quickly dressing himself and standing, abruptly so furious there was a metallic taste in his mouth, “I don’t ever fucking want to see your face again. This was all a fucking mistake. Get. Out. Get the fuck out now.” Mariah had turned the second Bucky had started speaking and a look of disbelief on her face, as it slowly drained of color the longer he spoke. “Excuse me?”, she said, “What did you say?” “You heard me Mariah, get the fuck out. Get out,” Barnes barked out. He lithely walked out of the bedroom, and into the living room, scooping up her underwear that had so previously tantalized him during her strip tease, and snatched up her dress, heels, scarf, everything.  She had followed him and stood still wrapped in the sheet by the edge of the couch. He turned, shoving the bundle of clothes in her arms turning and glaring at her with arms crossed, “I want you dressed and gone. You have 5 minutes or I’m gunna go Y/N’s route and just toss you out on your ass.” “James, no. I’m not leaving.” She pleaded voice soft and hurt, “We have made something beautiful going on. And now without that woman out of the picture we have a shot at making this something real. Please don’t do this James. I was treating her, I know Y/N is too damaged and can never give you what I can. Please James. Please. Let me love you, I know you can love me.” “Bucky,” he said firmly. “What?” she asked confused. “My name is Bucky. Y/N is the only one that had the privilege to call me James.” He saw her face flush pink and continued, “ And I think you’re confused Mariah, I don’t want something with you. I never fucking did. This was a huge goddamn mistake, and as a result, I lost the only person I’ve ever wanted. Who I’ve ever truly loved.” Bucky watched her shake her head, and reach out to him with one arm, the other still gripping the sheet, so he leaned down to murmur in her ear and make sure she understood, “I don’t want you. And I sure as hell don’t love you. So. Get. The fuck. Out.” Mariah’s face slowly went from a delicate pink to a bright red as her fury and pain grew. She narrowed her green eyes to slits, her upper lip snarling, as she started to get dressed. Once fully clothed she stood tall and proudly tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder before walking over to Bucky who was waiting by the open front door with her coat. “You’ll regret this Bucky,” she snarled, sarcasm and venom coating her voice, “I loved you. I could have loved you so much better, motherfucker. I know Y/N. I know her better than you ever will.”  Mariah continued fury still evident, “She will never let you in. She never will. She can’t. She’s damaged. She isn’t worth it and she sure as hell won’t ever think you’re worth it. Why do you think three years have passed and she hasn’t told you about her sister?” Bucky’s eyes opened an infinitesimal amount, just discernable enough that Mariah caught it and smiled nastily, Bucky’s words still fresh in her head.   “Oh, you didn’t know about that? About her dead sister? About the murders she’s committed? All the blood she’s spilled since she was a teenager? No? She didn’t tell you? I wonder why. Surely it has nothing to do with her just being too fucked up to open up to you.  Or with you just not being worth enough. Not worth enough to be let in, not worth enough to trust with the difficult things. Not worth enough in the long run. Just not fucking worthy. Poor Bucky,” She let out a cruel laugh, “Poor poor Bucky. Just not good enough.” She leaned in a bit before delivering her final blow, her voice, clear and cold, “Clearly, never enough. Not fucking now and sure as hell, not fucking ever.” As she snatched her coat from Bucky’s outstretched arms, he didn’t react, already lost in his own head, her words cutting into his psyche, and she smiled satisfied that they had had the intended effect, she was after all a licensed therapist and reading Bucky had been easy.

It didn’t matter that she truly did love him, it was, after all, impossible not to. It didn’t matter that the last thing she wanted to do was to break him further than he already was, but damn it she was going to hurt him back.  

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. 

She put on her coat and walked out of the apartment head held high, hurt, angry but satisfied she had ruined them, Y/N and Bucky. She walked proudly down the hall to the elevator as she heard glass and things breaking and muffled shouts, smiling smoothly at the group of people that laughingly spilled out of elevator. Smiling even wider as she saw them react to the noises from the apartment and race down to the door. Full on grinning as they opened the door, and one of them looked back at her in anger.

Tagged: @im-a-motherfuckin-mermaid @risinghero @caaaaaaarrrrrlll 

[lovewavesxx]

Love Waves – EP 7 – WTF ARE WE DOING?

Click here to read Love Waves - Introduction

“WTF ARE WE DOING? –E xx.”

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/4WpepDQVwmxbMSLi2JGuSJ

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/love-waves-ep-7-wtf-are-we-doing/idpl.u-4JombJltjBX3Rv

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwEZgDEorNRQRokZrxPmUwyPZTIzslqpd

1. Lauren Sanderson – Conversations (feat. DYSN)

2. THEY. – Truth Be Told

3. Post Malone – I Fall Apart

4. Snow Tha Product – Waste of Time

5. Drake – Furthest Thing

6. Marty Grimes – Fuxk Around

7. The Neighbourhood - #Icanteven (feat. French Montana)

8. Blaise Moore – HANDS

9. G-Eazy – Shoot Me Down (feat. Anthony Stewart)

10. Tory Lanez – Friends With Benefits

11. Childish Gambino – Heartbeat

12. Beyoncé – Hold Up

13. SZA – Prom

14. Marko Penn – Same Ones

15. Dylan Matthew – Sober

16. Cam Meekins – Heart

17.Cardi B – I Gotta Hurt You

Click here for my twitter @ericajones1010

Click here to leave a comment or say something idk :) (it’s anonymous)

do·ing

ˈdo͞oiNG/

1. the activities in which a particular person engages.

2. effort; activity.

This is probably the most aggressive playlist I’ve made for this series so far. To be very honest I am struggling with how to write this description accurately. Bare with me while I get to the end zone, and I apologize in advance if it gets long. Just know it comes from my heart.

I used to be the type of person who had issues controlling my words in heated moments. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone I loved because of something I said. Words can hurt. Words can’t be taken back. Due to my growing awareness of that flaw, I really started to work on staying silent and thinking very hard about what to say and how to react in situations that are high stress and potential breaking points in any form of relationship. Since I’m human, it’s still a work in progress at times.

One of the most disgusting things I learned throughout this process of trying to fix myself is that even when I do not release those bitter statements into the world, they still exist in my head. It’s very frustrating for me. If you truly know me, then you know at the heart of everything I want nothing but the best for everyone I love and even people who have hurt me.

It can start to become very draining to think about all the awful things you’d wish would happen to someone because you’re angry at them or because of something they did or how they treated you. That way of thinking is repulsive. It’s not a quality I want in someone else or myself. I’ve learned it is much less stressful to say and genuinely feel that you want the best for that person instead. That’s it, the best. The best of whatever they feel is most fulfilling in their life whether it involves me or not. You can’t choose what happens to you, but you can choose how to react.

The act of letting anger, jealously, and hurt go can be difficult. I still struggle with this. While the journey can be an uphill struggle, getting to the other side is very refreshing. It’s very freeing. For every uphill there is a downhill. Never forget that.

So, the initial concept of this playlist came from an internal confusion I’ve dealt with for what seems like forever—the ups and downs of having someone you care about so deeply and not being able to let them go. It feels sort of like dancing around with them on all of these uphills and downhills. Complexities and confusion is hard for me to deal with. At the same time, I’ve learned my head definitely has the ability to go wayyyy above and beyond thinking and trying to navigate a situation that is not clean cut.

Grey areas drive me nuts because I’m the type of person who wants things to be crystal clear. I want to know what is going on and why. I’m usually an all or nothing type of gal. Having to hold back or put boundaries on any form of relationship feels very unnatural to me. It makes me uncomfortable being told how and when to act.

If I can move my schedule around or make time for you I will without you asking. That goes for friends, family, anything. I prioritize the connections I have. I can’t explain why I’m like this, but I just am. If I care about something or someone I will always fight like hell to make time and give my absolute best effort possible. There are no excuses for not fighting to keep your greatest priorities fulfilled and in the best shape possible.

That being said, I struggle with the differences in priorities I have when another person doesn’t seem to match my efforts. It can kind of feel like a slow death. It can feel like your soul is exporting itself in effort towards another, and when very little is being returned or evenly matched, it can leave you feeling drained.

Another thing I can sometimes struggle with is accepting the difference in opinion or view other’s have towards me, or something I feel very passionately about. I’m stubborn, and I always have been. I get that from my father haha. But at the same time I think I do a decent job of not letting my pride get in the way when I realize I am wrong.

Conflict and disagreements no matter can big or small can be frustrating, but without differing opinions we’d all be the same and let’s be real, that would be hella lame. I think what I’ve learned most from being in situations where there is a disagreement in views is it allows for a perspective other than your own to be heard. It can create a dialogue. Over the past year, more than ever, I have learned I would much rather us have a disagreement and a conversation because of that, than to just give up and leave. I suppose that whole fighting aspect of me morphed more into genuinely fighting to keep growing connections with people I value so highly.

It’s also weird because over the past few months I’ve learned I don’t want to change anyone. I don’t want to control anyone or their behaviors I find less desirable. I’ve learned you have to sometimes accept what you do not understand or agree with. However, there’s a beauty in that act of acceptance. I think that’s how you know your intentions and love is pure—accepting their existence for everything they are in the present. I just want you to be the best version of yourself, and my opinion on what that version is or desired to be is absolutely irrelevant. The only person who can be the judge of what is best for you, is you. I can only be there by your side through everything in support. That’s all I have the power to do or even want to do—support you on your journey. Of course there are aspects that would be a welcomed change, but at the end of the day I only want someone to change if they want to. My views are invalid.

This playlist is meant to display confusion. If you listen to the stories within the songs it’s all very chaotic. It plays with the idea of letting go, coming back, being selfish, being selfless, wanting, lusting, loving, hating, and being annoyed—all of it. At the core I think it displays how uncomfortable I can get when a situation arises and plays with my insecurities in any form of relationship. It’s sad, but when I feel threatened I feel the need to protect myself by lashing out. I want to be cold. I want to be like, “Fine, fuck you.” BUT I am still trying sooo harddd to fight nawwwttt to beeee soooo bitter and petty. Nobody wants to love something that is so negative. It’s gross. Like, it’s literally my least favorite quality that I am seriously trying to fix. *insert sos emoji*

To overcome that feeling of being insecure, uncomfortable, confused, bitter, and even sometimes upset things aren’t going the way you hoped they would, I think it’s easiest to actively calm yourself down and focus on the very moment you are in with yourself or with a person who has the potential to evoke those emotions. Don’t think about the potential of what they could be because you might be creating expectations that may never be met and that could upset you. Don’t think about what they were in the past because you aren’t there anymore. Focus on the present moment you are in with them. Fight like hell to be at peace with them and yourself as you exist in the same moment together. I think when you reach that point life gets way better. It feels like you kind of made it. It feels like that downhill is about to be sccchhhwweeeettt.

To briefly discuss the root of the inspiration behind this wavy playlist I had a friend recently say, “You guys are on and off more than a light switch.” They said this after the playlist and concept were created, but I think it still fits. That statement at face value is funny to me. It’s also accurate. Upon further reflection though (since I’m like, the best at thinking too much) I think it’s important to remember that even when a light is switched off, the wiring doesn’t go away. That spark can always return. It just takes one action. That’s it. A moment of courage or effort can have the potential to light up your entire world and change everything you know. It’s also important to remember that without darkness you may never appreciate the light you are given no matter how long it lasts. A deep connection is rare. I wouldn’t trade mine for anything.

Song Explanations:

The playlist opens up with Lauren singing about wanting to be with someone who makes her grow upward, but the person there right now isn’t pushing to be better or make her better. The lyrics in the second verse show how Lauren is evolving positively and the girl she’s referring to isn’t progressing.

Truth Be Told not only has a great sound, but the story is fairly universal as well. The opening line is, “Say somethin’ / Know that there’s two sides to every story.” Literally, please just say something. Verse two talks about why they broke up.

Click here to read to lyrics for Truth Be Told by THEY.

So, I actually listened to Stoney the night it was released last year. I was mainly obsessed with No Option, Feel, Patient, Leave, Feeling Whitney, Hit This Hard and Congratulations. It wasn’t until recently I saw a short video of Post Malone singing I Fall Apart live on Twitter and I was like, “Bruh, I felt the words you just sang in my soul.” The emotion he conveyed was powerful. Since then, I’ve been listening to the song probably too much. The lyrics “I fall apart down to my core,” leave me shooketh. 

Snow nails how I feel sometimes when my anger and frustration gets the best of me. “Getting attached / I’m gonna go / I’ll be alright / I’m better alone..You’re a fucking waste of time.” Her flow is ridiculous. This song is so smooth whether you’re dealing with anything or not.

Furthest Thing by Drake was a song I played heavily during the spring of 2017. I would list my favorite lyrics from this song, but it would be damn near the whole thing. Most importantly though is the lyric, “The furthest thing from perfect like everyone I know.”

Click here to read the lyrics for Furthest Thing by Drake

I used to think there was a certain point at which I would give up on Him. Hell, Fuxk Around is even by one of his favorite artists, Marty Grimes. So many people have told to move on. Forget about it. He’s dead weight. He’s a mess. He’s a fuckboy. The list goes on. To some degree I have moved on. I don’t hang onto every word or silence between us like I used to. I don’t feel angry anymore. I just feel this weird calm right now. I think that’s good though. I mean, it sure beats crying myself to sleep or craving his attention, like I once did. I swear I used to see the type of car he once had like evvv-eryyy-wherrre and the reminder of him would just unleash this weird wave of heat over my entire body, until I got distracted enough, and then it would leave. What’s even more weird is that I wish I could actually put words to why I would feel that way so I could’ve controlled it better. Either way, time and space have a way of bringing people together or keeping them apart. I guess for us, for now, I’m just lucky we manage to always find our way back eventually. It kind of feels like nothing could actually break that connection past repair because we’re too honest with each other.

#Icanteven is just a littttt ass song by one of my favorite bands who manages to mix genres ridiculously well.

Friends With Benefits by Tory Lanez is definitely a song that makes me just want to dance. Everything about the song makes me feel dangerous. And yeah, I know that sounds crazy.

Heartbeat by Childish Gambino is a song I’ve been playing A LOT. One of my friends made this sick playlist for me and this song was in there. The entire narrative is wild and the music production is even wilder. It’s all sooo great.

“Hold up they don’t love you like I love you..What a wicked way to treat the girl who loves you.” Ya know, it’s crazy because I think a lot of the upset I used to feel from people I had feelings for was derived from me giving so much and just expecting my efforts would be matched by them. I learned that is definitely not the way to be. You either stick around because you care enough about them or you leave. What they do or don’t do hopefully shouldn’t drive you away unless you let it.

SZA is literally my queen right now. Her album Ctrl changed my life when it came out in June. The entire album speaks to me. Prom was the first song off the album I really felt a connection to. The beat reminds me of a heartbeat. I can relate to the lyrics, “Fearin’ not growin’ up / Keepin’ me up at night / Am I doin’ enough? / Feel like I’m wastin’ time,” because sometimes I do feel like I’m not where I should be or I’m not doing enough to get to where I feel I belong. In my head I hear not only myself, but another perspective from someone else saying, “Promise to get a little / Better as I get older / And you’re so patient / And sick of waitin’ / Promise to do better / Shoulda coulda / Prolly wanna let me go / But you can’t, oh.” That same perspective of someone not being on my same level also bleeds into the lyrics, “Please don’t take it, don’t take it personal / Like I know you usually do.” I accidentally take, like everything wayyy too personal sometimes. It’s dumb, and I’m working on it. I don’t mean to be something that frustrates you, and I know you don’t mean to frustrate me. It just happens.

Click here to read the lyrics from Prom by SZA

Same Ones by Marko Penn is this dope song that expresses a few different phases I’ve had in my life, but at the core I stay with the same ones who have always been there for me.

In the past I’ve had to deal with being with someone who was going through some issues, and they dealt with those feelings with substances. It kills me inside when other people choose an object or substance over me. You only want me when it’s convenient for you but your actions are having negative effects on you and me. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, and it hurts to see you medicate yourself so much. The song Sober by Dylan Matthew is well produced and I enjoy the story he tells.

I see myself a lot in Heart by Cam Meekins. I relate to the female he’s singing about and I also relate to Cam’s perspective too. “Coffee colored eyes / Sick of writing love songs.” Sometimes I feel so intoxicated by his brown eyes, and sometimes it annoys me that he inspires some of my best work. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It makes me feel like a creep. I used to feel like the next lyrics, which is really weird when I actually think about it. “It’s like when I am far from you, I want nothing but you / But when I have you here, it’s like I’m only thinking “fuck you” / So maybe I’m the problem, I can’t figure it out / Because no matter what I do, the cycle keeps going around.” I think it has to do with the expectation and fantasy you build that person up to be in your head and then you get disappointed when they don’t live up to the standards you A) didn’t tell them about and B) should’ve never placed on them in the first place. I swear, I have learned so much about people and myself over these past couple years.

The last song is sooooo fucked up. I Gotta Hurt You by Cardi B is crazy. There used to be a time in my life where if I got hurt or felt attacked by someone I just felt the need to get them back with that same hurt. Not physically, but I do have a mean side I am deffo not proud of. It doesn’t even make sense to hurt something you love, but it happens.

If you stuck with me through all of this mumbo jumbo I wish I could give you a hug. I went IN on this week’s playlist and description. Congratulations, I opened up too much about parts of me I do not like, but I’ve never really been scared to express myself. Learn from my mistakes because I am trying my damndest to do the same. There’s this episode of Scrubs where Turk keeps telling Carla she’s making mountains out of molehills. I hope when I get out of line those closest to me continue to keep putting me back in my place. It stings, but I’ll love you for it anyway.

Love,

-E xx.

p.s. To go back to the title, “WTF ARE WE DOING?” I have no clue, and I don’t care to try and figure it out right now. Despite everything we’ve been through, life is still litt when I get to exist with you. I’ll always want to cheer you on. I wouldn’t trade our seconds for anything hun. xx.