#idk i think often about how my identity and experiences shaped my life and relationship to myself

[tarotmantic]

through a combination of severe depression, autism, an intense desire to never be perceived, gender fuckery, and aroaceness, I completely swerved the performative femininity/body dysmorphia thing and i still don't have a skincare routine

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

I often think about the Taylor swift quote "famous people stay the age they got famous" (I'm paraphrasing here). In some ways i feel harry hasn't had the chance or the opportunity to grow and mature at the normal phase, especially in light of him saying the two months or so he stopped during covid was the longest he has been in one place since 16.

I feel you can tell in the way he talks about himself in interviews. The Rolling Stones interviews are especially easy to compare, the last two interviews he said almost identical things about his last two albums (they're honest, they're free, THIS TIME he doesn't care about commercial success even if he obviously does).

In the way he speaks about his friends it's especially apparent. This being largely based on my view that he isn't the best friend. With not having too many friends he's able to keep over time, the Adam thing, expecting people to be able to drop everything to live in a studio with him for months when he and his friends are getting older and having kids. And the way he speaks about his friends seem weird to me? They allow him to be vulnerable and free etc etc, and this is somehow new to him at the age of 28 when it seems more like a minimum requirment?

Idk I'm rambling, but thoughts?

I think there are all sorts of ways that Harry has been shaped by his experiences and has had options for growth and development cut off.

But we don't know him. We don't know how he relates with his friends. We're certainly not in a position to understand or diagnose anything about those relationships.

Those profiles tell us far about how he navigates being a public figure and what he feels safe (or the far larger category what he doesn't feel safe) telling us. They don't tell us how he navigates his personal life or his relationships or what he actually thinks and feels about making music.

In short - big picture I think you're right, but profiles are sources for what people are prepared to say to journalists, what a journalist observes, and what a journalist is able to convey to the public. Treating them as anything more and trying to understand someone's life from them is leaping to conclusions with no evidence.

[lillupon]

So, I've got a very long rant/opinion here and Idk really know how to say this without coming off kinda bad but I'm gonna say it anyways. I agree with the fact that the seventeen tag has been kinda dry lately on most fanfic places, but it's really only in the smut area. It's the sane way with other groups too I feel like. All of the nice little innocent tags are boomin to this day and thats completely fine. I think the smut tag is dry tho bc lately I feel like a few social issues (like sexualizing people and disrespecting them and their identity) have crossed over into kpop and have been ?blown out of proportion? Lately there's been a rampage of people who like to say that writing smut about someone is disgusting and is dehumanizing because people want to assume that it would make the idols uncomfortable which could equate to some morality issues on how you are reducing someone only to their body without their consent and a bunch of stuff like that. It kind of pisses me off bc this is fiction. About grown adults. Clamping down on horny people who simp over hot asian men isn't going to solve the issues we face in real life. I think a shit ton is wrong with the world we currently live in, and deciding to come after something that isn't even real bothers me. Like what does that actually accomplish. But yeah, I think thats a reason why smut has been dying down. I mean, on youtube almost every video about unpopular opinions, or things they dont like about kpop will include something about shipping idols in fanfics. And then everyone in the comment section will talk about how its all fine and dandy in moderation, but once people start writing smut it's crossing the idols personal boundaries. It's something I've been seeing a lot more often and I think people who are interested in writing smut are being turned away from it bc we've gotten to a point where people are being called disgusting for having fantasies.

Hi Anon, thank you for sending in this Ask. 

I want to preface this by saying: when I write or talk about Mingyu and Wonwoo fucking on my blog, it is a fantasy. I am not speculating about what the real Mingyu and Wonwoo might be like in bed. I am imagining the versions of Mingyu and Wonwoo that I have created in my head, that exist only in my stories. None of it is real. I understand that this can be a blurry boundary for some people. But for me, the separation between fantasy and reality is well-defined. Now, on to your Ask!

You’ve hit the nail on the head with this one. You’ve also touched on many of the issues I have been struggling with myself as of late. It’s difficult to argue about morals since everyone has a different set of values, as well as different comfort levels. Some people think real person fiction (RPF) is a gross invasion of privacy. Others are fine with it. And others don’t care one way or another. There is no single answer; I can only offer my answer. Which means, of course, people are welcome to disagree with it, or parts of it. 

In this essay (LOL But forreal: this is an essay), I will be sharing my experience in the k-pop fanfic community from 2014 to present, the etiquette I personally abide by as a reader and writer of RPF, as well as my stance on RPF in general.

I started reading and posting fanfics back in 2014/2015 on a website called AsianFanfics (AFF). Obviously, no one on that site had a problem with RPF, since AFF is a platform made specifically for sharing stories about Asian celebrities. For many years, I read and enjoyed RPF with zero guilt. I scribbled away by myself in my own corner of fandom and curated my own content. I didn’t interact much with other fans, readers, or writers. I didn’t have a Twitter, and I only used tumblr to reblog memes. As a result, I’ve been able to avoid a lot of anti-shipping discourse, as well as purity and cancel culture. I had no idea there were so many negative opinions about RPF. It wasn’t until I became active on the subreddit r/Fanfiction last year that I learned about all the discourse surrounding RPF. 

This newfound ‘awareness’ does make me feel guilty at times—but only because after mulling this over, I still don’t think this is something to feel guilty about.

Here’s what I remember, first and foremost, when I create and consume RPF: fanfics and my favourite ships are fictional, and fiction is fantasy. This is basic etiquette when it comes to RPF, and most people in the k-pop fandom understand this. Delusional fans exist, of course, but they are not representative of the entire k-pop community. 

Another point of etiquette is to keep fanfics within fandom spaces. I would never push my fics into celebrities’ faces, or go around claiming that my fanfics are accurate representations of a k-idol’s life or personality, in any way, shape, or form. I would also discourage directing ship-related questions to official accounts, or bringing them up during fansigns or other face-to-face interactions; I believe that in these instances, shipping does have the potential to strain real-life relationships.

So with basic etiquette out of the way, let me share my approach to RPF in general.

As much as we like to think we know our favourite celebrities, we really don’t. All we see is their public persona. And this public persona is intentionally controlled, managed, and curated by a team of people: directors, tabloids, editors, makeup artists, publicists, etc. How “real” are these celebrities? We are so distanced from them that they may as well be fictional.

I draw from the public persona that idols project, and I work them into my own writing. But at the end of the day, these personalities are my own interpretation. My interpretation is probably nothing like an idol’s actual personality. I just use the “public persona/character” that idols portray as inspiration for my own stories, which are set in wildly different universes.

More than anything, I think of k-pop idols as “actors” in my fic. You know how when you write an original novel, you scroll through Google images, looking for the perfect person to portray your original character? RPF is literally that, except you might build upon pre-existing dynamics and personalities.

When it comes to explicit fanfiction, two main concerns are prevalent: one of consent, and one of sexualisation.

If we argue against explicit RPF due to lack of consent, we should be willing to apply the same lens to all explicit works. How do we know that the creator of a movie, book, series, etc., is okay with us using their characters in our stories, explicit or not? We don’t. Perhaps some creators encourage fanfiction, but don’t want their lovingly crafted characters engaging in sexual acts or experiencing trauma. We just don’t know. I feel this line is even more blurred when we talk about characters from movies or TV series.

Let’s take Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, as portrayed by Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan, from the Captain America movies as an example. I am willing to bet that when people consume and create explicit fanfiction about Steve and Bucky, they are imagining Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan in their heads. I doubt many people are imagining the 2D cartoon versions of Steve and Bucky, even though they’re technically the exact same characters. Why? Well, it could be because movies are more readily and easily consumed than comics, and so people are unfamiliar with comic book Steve and Bucky. But it might also be because fans find Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan attractive. Is this really any different from RPF, where fic authors make up everything about a celebrity’s life?  

When readers and writers of fanfic talk about how hot Steve Rogers or Bucky Barnes is, those comments are about Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan’s bodies. When reading explicit stories, fans are going to picture Chris and Sebastian’s bodies in their head, doing sexual things. Can we say, “Well, it’s not really you, Chris/Sebastian”, when in a way, it is?

The reality is, people are going to thirst over celebrities, regardless of whether or not explicit fanfiction exists. They’re going to post thirst tweets on Twitter. They’re going to talk to friends and strangers online about how hot [insert celebrity name here] is. They’re going to fantasize about dating and having sex with their favourite celebrity. Or, as it is in my case, they’re going to make up stories in their heads about their favourite idols dating and banging each other. People are going to do all of this without ‘getting consent’ from the celebrity. Cracking down upon and shaming writers of RPF isn’t going to change any of that.

To be honest, I’m not sure why people think it is disgusting to imagine sexual scenarios about real people. It is okay and normal to have these kinds of fantasies. I suppose the alternative is to fantasise about having sex with cartoon characters instead? It’s a very binary way of thinking to say that if you imagine/write real people in explicit scenarios, you are immediately sexualising, dehumanising, or objectifying them. There is more to dehumanisation than writing smut about our favourite celebrities. For one thing, you can love someone and appreciate all parts of them, and still want to fuck their brains out. And generally, fanfics come from a place of love—love that is not only sexual in nature.

Is it the sharing aspect inherent to fanfiction? The possibility that a celebrity might stumble upon explicit works about them? The chances are very low, I think, of the k-pop idols I enjoy writing about coming across my English fics. But I also believe in curating your own content, and that applies to celebrities too. Perhaps a celebrity should not go searching for fanfics about themselves. And of course, people should not show celebrities their fanfics, unless invited.

Another argument I hear against (explicit) RPF is, “How would you feel if someone wrote fanfiction about you?” First off, I don’t like this argument because there’s a difference between someone who decides to be a public figure versus someone who decides to remain a regular private citizen. Celebrities should and do know what they’re getting into when they choose their occupation. (This is not to say, “They are celebrities; sexualise them all you want because that’s what they signed up for.” Here, I am only acknowledging that people might have sexual fantasies about celebrities they are attracted to. Presumably, celebrities are cognizant of this.)  

If someone (whose existence I am not even aware of, mind you) decides they want to write explicit fanfiction of me in some tiny corner of the Internet, I wouldn’t care so long as: (1) they don’t shove it into my face, and (2) they don’t harass me and ask invasive questions about my personal life and relationships. It’s not hurting me or negatively affecting my life, so it wouldn’t even register as a blip on my radar. When fanfiction remains within its appropriate spaces, it is largely harmless. 

Now, if a k-pop idol were to ask their fans to stop writing fanfiction about them, would I? Yes, I would. However, I can’t imagine that happening. Judging by the number of ‘sexy’ concepts, fanservice moments, and variety shows such as ‘We Got Married’, I am certain that k-pop idols realise they are the stars of many fantasies—some of which are explicit in nature. Considering the prevalence of shipping in the k-pop industry, I would argue that shipping is subtly encouraged.

It’s sad that so many talented writers are shamed out of fandom, or feel that k-pop cannot be the medium through which they tell their stories, or explore their sexuality, or cope with trauma, or simply have fun. Professional works and Hollywood love their RPF—readers and writers of fanfics should be able to, as well. 

As you said Anon, “clamping down on horny people who simp over hot asian men isn't going to solve the issues we face in real life” (this is a lovely sentence, by the way). The kind of person who dehumanises another and reduces them to a sexual object will do so some other way, if not via fanfiction. I don’t think the issue of fetishisation can be fixed simply by telling people not to write explicit RPF. In my experience, people who read and write RPF are more respectful and thoughtful about these things than the general public. We’ve all seen the general public say highly sexual things about celebrities in the media and to their faces, or tag celebrities in their thirst tweets. Are these things less invasive than fanfiction? Personally, I don’t think so. And in my opinion, there are more pressing and damaging issues in stan culture than fanfic.

In conclusion, I don’t think there is anything wrong with creating and consuming RPF, both explicit and non-explicit so long as we:

Remember we are writing fiction

Keep RPF within its appropriate space, and

Do not harass celebrities about their personal lives and relationships

RPF is not for everyone. There may be people who enjoy RPF, but draw the line at explicit stories. This is fine. Everyone has their own personal preferences. What is not fine, however, is attacking people for creating things you don’t like. I’m not sure what kind of moral crusade people are on and what they hope to achieve by shaming writers of RPF, explicit or otherwise. Ultimately, fic authors are writing a fantasy. It’s not real; no one is being hurt. I think it’s important for people to curate their own content, and AO3 makes it very easy to filter out explicit works and unwanted tags. 

Maybe this is me trying to justify my own participation in explicit RPF—I don’t know. What I do know is that I love k-pop, and fandom is an important part of my media and entertainment experience. I adore the k-pop idols I write about, and I just want to imagine them being happy and getting lots of love and orgasms. Let a bitch be horny, goddamn… 

Some bonus fun facts!

At the time I am writing this, on AO3:

26.2% of Stray Kids fanfics are rated M or E

26.3% of Seventeen fanfics are rated M or E

29.0% of Merlin fanfics are rated M or E

34.9% of Captain America (Movies) fanfics are rated M or E

40.1% of BTS fanfics are rated M or E ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Coincidentally, I saw this post on Reddit this morning: Can we have a RPF positivity post?

[ayy-spec]

Anything to Add?

The final question in this survey was a write-in section for people to leave any additional comments. 113 people responded.

Important/Particularly Interesting Comments

• I hope this goes well for you because you seem nice and if you have any advice for new to the community 15 year olds like me, don't be afraid to share because I'm trying to embrace my sexuality as much as possible but it can be hard when I don't know where to go or turn to to find what I'm supposed to do and where to ask questions and just fully embrass this part of me and it can be hard when I don't even know many if any aspecs so representation is great and it is helpful to hear your experiences and how you handle certain parts, so just keep doing what your doing because it is making a difference [note: 🥺🥺😭]

• i often consider myself more as just aroace rather than aro and ace seperately so i prefer seeing the blue and orange aroace flag over the individual aro and ace flags

• I don't really shorten my identity often with aroace, only when im feeling very romance repulsed and its been a while since I felt romantic attraction. I am a pan-demiromantic asexual. My pan label makes me feel more connected to the lgbt+ community bc it feels like my nonbinary and intersex status doesn't count either. I know I belong in the queer community, but the lgbt+ community is so sexual orientation focused.

• Thank you for having a wide variety of labels to choose from in the options!! I don't see the term aegoromantic very often on things, it feels nice to be known I guess haha

• Thank you for this, i recently started thinking about being in arospec and it was so relieving, all this time i thought something was wrong or maybe i was broken. I'm still trying to learn more about it, and I'm grateful for people willing to teach and help

• didn't realize I hadn't experienced sexual attraction until I finally did and was like "OH, no wonder all my other relationships felt like I was playing pretend"

• I dont often tell people I'm gray aroace. Not because of shame or it not being "as important" (I'm a gay trans dude) but I think because I just feel its a very intimate part of myself, as well as my romanticism and sexuality (in terms of like asexuality) feeling as though it doesn't always need a label. I'm fine just being myself most of the time, a lot of labels can be tricky for myself I think. I'm happy the label exists nonetheless though because Its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

• I'm queer! But if I'm getting down to the bones of it, I'm pan/ace. Still relearning how to be proud of that, after The Grand Clusterfuck years back.

• even though I would be considered to have an alloromantic orientation, alloace isn't really a term I feel any strong connection or attachment to

• i'd like to add that i do consider myself alloaro and use that label openly but i'd also not consider myself 100% allosexual. i'm questioning my sexuality but even if i do end up feeling more solidly ace-spec i'd still use the alloaro label

• Idk who else does this or if this is interesting enough to write down, but I thought I would! I use Aroace as a label. Other, smaller labels inside that would probably fit me better! Aroace feels too big, like it doesn't *really* define exactly who I am. But at the same time, I prefer using it because more people know what Aroace means (at least compared to myrromantic and myrsexual). I use Aroace so the public can define me. I don't typically use it around my close friends 'cause they already know my idiosyncrasies and where I really am. They already made their own definitions for me, so I don't have to make one for them!

• I'm still figuring myself out, so I leave myself at the blanket terms and hopefully everything'll work out in the end

The rest of the responses are below:

Comments Alerting Me About Typos (that I was then able to resolve)

• There's a typo in your "sexual orientation labels" question, because you have Aroflux listed and not Aceflux, but I didn't want to confuse things so I put Aceflux (which I do use) under Other. I also am polysexual (I flux between polysexual and asexual but I am always aegosexual) but didn't know if I should but it under Other anywhere since it's not an acespec label. I consider my polysexuality tied to me being aego/aceflux though, which is why I mention it here.

• the sexual orientations options are the same of the romantic ones ( for example, there's arovague and arospike in the sexual cathegory)

People Clarifying/Expounding Upon Their Own Identity/Experiences

·  to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

• I’m still a confused gorl and I really only know that I don’t like sex it sexual acts but I do like romantic and sensual acts

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• I'm also animesexual and fictosexual (and romantic I guess but I don't like using the SAM for myself).

• I have never seen most of these labels, haha, I expect one of them is the one I always forget that's for being aro due to past trauma but people always assume it's romantic/sexual trauma so I don't use it and thus have forgotten it...but that's the essay I'm not usually up for writing: was biromantic but then had several awful life events on top of each other and had a complete breakdown and have been aro since. Unclear if it's permanent but it's been 14 years now. [note: I believe this person is thinking of caedromantic]

• I tend to use the word ace more than asexual because it's shorter, but I don't feel more favorably about one than the other.

• i can't tell the difference between platonic vs romantic attraction, and am unsure if people i have "liked" in the past was romantic, platonic, or a fake stemming from peer pressure.

• Also Gender-Neutral/Agender

• I’m gray-aro but identify more with being biromantic even though I know I’m aro-spec. As for sexual orientation, I’m just completely ace xD

• The fact I'm still trying to figure out my gender makes it harder to pinpoint exactly what my orientations are :( but I usually say I'm queer, and if it's safe: Bi Ace, and if I can get more specific: biromantic grey-asexual

• I also use a platonic label (biplatonic). I use it not in a friendship way, but more like in a QPR way.

• Thank you for doing this! My identity on the aro/ace spectrums has shifted a lot over the years and while I’ve just settled on aroace and queer for the most part, this community is so diverse and under appreciated. People who find joy in/identify with micro-identities are valid and deserve representation!

• I'm still figuring out my romantic orientation but it's looking less allo by the day lmao

• My romantic label is very fluid, but in terms of sexual labels, very sex repulsed Asexual

• Content with just Aspec cause it's difficult to pinpoint anything but cool with both asexual/ace and aromantic/aro

• I think of my romantic orientation as halfway between aromantic and homoromantic

• I'm a polyamorous ace, if there'd be a way to include that sometimes that'd be neat :)

• I am still questioning my identity

• I used to identify as 100% ace but now I have no idea other than that I seem to be pan-ace in some way shape or form so my identity is ???people???

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

Queer Rights

• Trans rights, baybee 🤠🦂

• I just hope a-spec and aro-spec people will experience less negativity and hate this year <3

• Aspec rights!!

• aspec rights, baby

People Being Nice to Me  (I appreciated this thank you everyone!!)

·  :)

• Have a good day

• Uhhh, cool survey, nice to see a lot of labels.... good job! Nothing I have to add, it was great

• Have fun chief, thank you for your work

• Thank you for creating!

• thanks for the survey! I don't know too many aspec in person so I love participating in things like this about the ace/aro community!

• Thank you for what you’re doing

• just hi :)

• thanks!!

• I really love your blog! Reading your posts always makes me happy :) [note: thank you!]

• Good luck, have a nice day !

• I hope you're having a good day :)

• you're lived and valid af!! have a great day!!!

• Thank you for all your hard work i really appreciate it ☺️

• Drink some water Right Now OP

• Nope, :> hope the best for you.

• Cool survey, 10/10 would survey again.

• 💛

• Have a nice day uwu

• Nope! Have a nice day!

• Thank you for making pride flag edits! They're really nice! [note: thank you!!]

• nope, but this is really cool!!

• ❤️

• Have a good day.

• I think this survey idea is super cool! Definitely a great way to see what sort of aspec people are on tumblr :)

• You are doing the lords work

• Thank you for asking us.

• good luck!

• This is really cute idea :)

• I hope you're having a nice day!

• Good luck in your endevours!

• Thank you for making our community visible!

• Have a good day :3

• Have a good day!!

• Keep doing great stuff!

• Thank you for all the positivity I get from your blog! It's super helpful, keep it up :) [note: thank you!!]

• thanks for doing this. recognition is always nice

• Have fun <3

• Lots of love 💛

• This is a cool project, thanks for doing it and good luck! :)

People Saying They Love Me (and I love you, random a-specs)

·  i love you OP!!!!!

• love you, hope you have a great day

An A-Spec Person Being Rude to Other A-Specs

• If you enjoy sex with your romantic partner then you are not asexual

A Person Who Is Not A-Spec Being Rude To A-Specs

• sweetie im sorry that you're so insecure that you feel like you have to make up new identities to feel better about yourself. if you are a lesbian or bisexual please know that you are welcome in the community, but other than that making thousands of microlabels like this makes a huge joke out of what was once an important and respected group. nobody takes us seriously anymore because of this shit. does labelling your identity like this really help you with anything? demisexual and fraysexual and all this are just fancy words for normal human feelings that everyone has. there is no need to microlabel it.

Other

· [variations of “no” (12)]

• not sure that helps lmao but still hope it does. all the best

• Axolotls (or as I like to call them, asexulotls) are amazing and I love them [Note: the man in question]

• Sorry, I can't remember the names of any blogs that do edits

• Ok random but the colors of the aro/ace flag? The blue and orange one? They’re gorgeous.

• I'm not so sure if I should use the aroace flag, I feel comfortable using both aro and ace flags, but I don't like the colors for the aroace flag :c [note: these are in chronological order, it’s a total coincidence that these comments are together]

• Curious to see where the survey goes

• It would be cool if you could also do some aplatonic-spectrum edits!

• there were fully half of the terms on that list that i had never even seen before. like, everything below litho down to no label was entirely new to me. at some point i will look into those! (but not right now, my brain is full enough at the moment)

• actually had to look up the majority of these orientations. Thank you for the opportunity to learn!

• Gonna reblog and follow and hopefully learn a bit more, about others and myself

Note: The only comment that is not listed in order is the first comment, which I put at the top because I found it the most important. It’s so important that kids and teens have space to explore their identity and learn about themselves. The reason I made this blog in the first place was because I was 19 and working on figuring out my gender and sexuality. Now that I’m a bit older and understand things better, I’m so glad that I’m able to help people in this way. 

I make it a point to be very openly queer in my life and at work because I need LGBTQ+ people, especially youths, to know that we’re here. I’m lucky that I live somewhere that I can be visibly queer and speak about it openly. We are everywhere, and there’s more of us than you think!

Something that I really like about the comments at the top is that they show how diverse we are, and how people use words differently. Some people feel like they’re more aroace than aromantic and asexual separately, and others consider their romantic and sexual orientations to be completely different things.

I definitely relate to the person who identifies are myrromantic and myrsexual with their friends but just says aroace when speaking with people they don’t know as well. I believe a lot of people use different words depending on who they’re speaking with.

[laufire]

You don't have to do this at all but I'm intrigued by your "favourites" tags and I was wondering if you'd break them down?

No problem! I think I remembered them all (but since I keep adding new ones, then forgetting again about them, who knows lol).

favourites: a straight line

Okay, so this is kind of a hard one because it’s mostly a… ~vibe thing. It’s from a quote by Person of Interest –specifically, The Machine telling Shaw that Root loved her because “if we were shapes, you were an arrow, a straight line”, and I just… loved it. So it goes to character that had that sort of… clear-sighted, straightforward something, that cut through the bullshit.

favourites: birds of a feather

From the saying “birds of a feather flock together”. It’s basically used for my ships where the members reflect and parallel each other (especially when it’s a case where fandom convention classifies them as “opposites”).

favourites: cute married couples

Self-explanatory, I think, tho by virtue of the fandoms I frequent lately I haven’t used it much xD

favourites: fucked up families

Also self-explanatory. And much more used!

favourites: god save us from the queen

Named after the trope. Look, fandom. I know why it’s Problematique. But I just love Evol, Power Hungry Queens! (in modern ‘verses it can apply to women with political power in general –i.e., I would totally use this tag for Mellie Grant okay). And I’m not gonna deny a big part of it is the #aesthetics xDD

favourites: head witch in charge

Powerful witches/other magic-type users in general. Comes from the acronym Head Bitch in Charge.

favourites: i am the law

It comes from Buffy’s speech in s7. It goes from that type of characters that take all that “I am the ONLY one”/”if I don’t try to save the world who will” responsability (sometimes, in a frankly egocentric/self-important way lol, but I like that *shrugs*).

favourites: i can fix that

This one comes from Sam The Onion Man in Holes, though it’s morphed into something quite different in my tag system lol. It’s… somewhat tied to the previous one? In that I apply it to characters that have some sort of… control issues/that need to action/intervention in their enviroment. I guess the difference is that I associate this tag with characters that are in a precarious position? Idk.

favourites: i see you

Cato says this to Noah in Underground; I use it for somewhat-antagonistic dynamics where one character sees through the reputation/façade of the other one, basically (sometimes it’s with a ~shippier spirit than others lol).

favourites: immortal exes

Self-explanatory, and one of my fave shippy tropes in existence.

favourites: like father like daughter

For my favourite father/daughter dynamics.

favourites: living large

I love it when my faves like the finer things in live. There’s nothing wrong with liking nice things lol.

favourites: love at first bite

It’s the title of a film I have yet to watch (a comedy where Dracula has to move out of Transylvania). But the quote fits perfectly with my adored blood-sharing/vampire ships, so –tho this is one of the few I often forget to use lol.

favourites: love is the drug

Title taken from a song. For those ships that can’t stay away from each other, despite how ill-advised it might be.

favourites: machiavelli’s alumni

Tag for political savvy people/situations.

favourites: mamma who bore me

Song from the musical Spring Awakening. It’s become short of a catch-them-all for mother characters, but the song/main intent was about controlling/overprotective ones lol.

favourites: mirror mirror on the wall

This is one of my newest ones and I’ve barely used it/edited old posts with it yet. It’s for my very narrow type of fave femslash dynamics lol: aka older/younger women (though there’s ships without the age difference that I’ll likely use it with) ships with lots of parallels motifs that have probably tried to kill each other at least once.

favourites: monster women

Because I love them, and the stories about them.

favourites: my foe beheld it shine

From William Blake’s A Poison Tree, a super dramatic poem about enemies lol. Perfect for enemy ships.

ETA - favourites: persephone’s revenge

One of them is Hades; one of them is Persephone and they’re at Hades’ mercy. I want Persephone to get even xD

favourites: pinocchio stories

Named after the trope; tag for all my artificial intelligence/robots feelings (no, I do not care to explore why the hell I almost always relate to robot characters, leave me alone xDD).

favourites: rags to riches

I will always root for social climbers and gold diggers on principle and this is the tag for that :P

favourites: romantic tragedies

For when what I love about a ship is their angst lol.

ETA - favourites: samson and delilah

One of the members is setting out to destroying and manipulating the other

favourites: smash the system

Inspired by that Hulk “SMASH THE PATRIARCHY” twitter. For characters/stories that seek to tear down the status quo.

favourites: soul siblings

For my fave siblings relationships.

ETA - favourites: sun and shadow

Great for light vs. dark dichotomies, especially in characters. Think Lizzie and (dark!)Josie, Buffy and Faith, Chuck and Amara.

favourites: that fucker

For my Problematic Faves, cold MOFOs, villains and the like.

favourites: the hashtag blessed crowd

My faves are being self-obsessed.

favourites: the masquerade

Another brand new one. It’s inspired by the trope “The Masquerade Will Kill Your Dating Life”, and it’s for my ships with Identity Porn Shenanigans.

favourites: the powah of lurve

For ships that overpower everything hehe.

favourites: the walking dead

Because I love resurrection/comes back wrong/ghosts stories.

ETA - favourites: the wordsmith

Tag I inaugurated for those characters that can get out of anything and create everything out of nothing with only their words.

favourites: the world is my canvas

For characters that mark the rules of a ‘verse and control narratives, and the world around them (aka: one of the main power fantasy tags xD).

favourites: three’s company

For OT3s (potentially OT+ in general).

favourites: to die like this; with a last kiss

From Siouxsie and the Banshees’ Face to Face (aka, the Batman Returns BatCat song). I wanted a tag that err… expressed how sometimes I’m into how the members of my ships try (and even succeed!) to kill each other?… it’s majorly fucked-up, foh sure, but I do believe shit like that ~enhances the shipping experience even when it troubles us shippers (and often, because it troubles us shippers, sooo).

favourites: to fall another moment into your gravity

From Sara Bareilles’s Gravity. I love it when my OTPs have broken up and are bitter af about it, yet can’t help but feel drawn to each other, and it’s the perfect song/quote for it.

favourites: vultures in lurve

I knew I had to have heard that expression before because I think vultures are Good™ lmao, and it’s apparently the title of some book. Either way, I kind of like how it sounds, and it’s my tag for when assholes are OTT in love with each other and enjoy being assholes together (pausing for moments where they’re super tender ofc), a la Unholy Matrimony trope.

favourites: you raise sons

Another brand new, barely used one. It comes from the quote “You don’t raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they’ll turn out to be heroes, even if it’s just in your own eyes.”. For father-son type relationships.

favourites: you’ve got the love

From the Florence + the Machine song. For those amazing, fulfilling ships where the characters bring the most and the best from each other *-*.

And though this is technically not one of those tags, I have to add #you WISH your faves could ever, which is basically my “this unpopular OTP is magnificent and fandom is jealous about it because their faves suck in comparison” tag xDD (btw, it’s curious how almost invariably, those ships include a WoC presented as The One…).

[chocolate-failure]

so... i was recently outed to my parents by “concerned” family member(s), not sure if it was more than one, my dad exaggerates. then my dad found it necessary to call my husband to out me to him. it’s very odd how people will say they care about you and totally disregard your privacy. there was no interest in my health or wellbeing. it’s obvious because not a single one of these people found it necessary to reach out to me in any way, shape, or form. they’re only interest lies in how it reflects on the family to have a fucking freak in their midst, representing them. if there was any interest in my wellbeing they’d know that outing a person is deeply psychologically harmful. but i’m used to my privacy and boundaries not being respected, it’s just been a while since someone was so blatantly and thoroughly disrespectful to me. i’m tired. 

my father called my husband and outlined my sexuality and gender identity like a fucking rube citing them as grounds to worry about the viability of our relationship. my father is unaware that dig has known for years. he’s under the misguided and quite honestly fucking ignorant assumption that that’s something i can or even feel the need to hide from him. news flash, just because you’re too much of a fucking phobic piece of shit to be trusted doesn’t mean others in my life are too. he assumes his experience is universal and dig did not confirm nor refute his accusations. he felt it was not his place to out me nor did he feel he was a person equipped to explain my experience. i respect that. honestly this is the first ever time i felt like dig had my back. he often plays devil’s advocate which is fucking cute until you’ve made yourself into a contrary asshole. 

i’ve always been a person who wants to tell the truth. i rather be honest than have to keep my lies straight. i mean it’s easy to lie about myself but i rather not have to do it, i’m just very used to it. i’ve told my parents about my sexual trauma. i’ve told them both that i’m asexual, this is shit they already know but perhaps having it told to them by someone else makes it real?? idk... i find that listening to me is not a thing that many in my life concern themselves with. it’s not until shit goes sideways that i’m ever taken seriously. but both my parents know about my feelings toward sex and sexuality. i’ve outright told my mom i don’t see myself as a girl and when she said “oh you see yourself as a woman?” i said no, i see myself as a person. i’ve been leaving them fucking bread crumbs the whole time cuz deep down i do want them to know me. i don’t want to have to hide and even if it’s a product of my laziness i still rather not be dishonest. the shit was always in front of them. i never hid it. i just never talked about it because honestly at this point it doesn’t matter. when i was first discovering myself n shit it was a thing i talked about often. i would go back and piece together things from my past and it broadened my understanding of who i am and who i always have been. it’s like piecing together a puzzle that you thought you put together the right way only you’ve found some new pieces and lo and behold they fit with the already existing ones. like wtf... you thought you had a picture of a duck pond but it’s actually an ocean. or like being dealt a hand of cards, being told what they and to blindly believe that’s the truth. only years later you turn the cards over to see they’re not even playing cards and you were trying to play rummy with a deck of fucking pokemon cards. 

i’ll have to have ~that~ conversation eventually but i’m deeply disturbed by the utter disregard of my agency and autonomy. again, i’m tired. this was a conversation i never anticipated having and i know i’ll be drained. my father has made it abundantly clear that me and people like me are a problem. that being the way i am is not only a moral failing but punishable. i’m the black person on the phone with a white person who thinks they’re white. the white person trashes black ppl and says all types of slurs til they find out they’ve been talking to a black person all along. but this isn’t some random racist stranger.... this is my family. the people i’m supposed to be able to trust the most, wtf am i supposed to do? within the past year this nigga has literally called homosexuality an epidemic. it’s a fucking disease to him. i kept the shit from them not only out of interest of not rocking the boat but also to protect myself. it’s not like this is the first time i’ve been outed and outwardly disrespected by my family. when they found out i was atheist they lost their fucking shit. they have proven to me they are not people whom i can trust. 

[bigskydreaming]

Okay, last random post for the day, then I gotta work. But something else I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, is that kinda weird feeling when you don’t like a writer or how they handled stuff and would have preferred someone else write it, BUT at the same time, you also really like something that came out of their writing and probably wouldn’t have happened if not for that writer making it happen.

And I think this also traces back to that post the other day about not settling for substandard representation and holding creators accountable for not doing more, and when its not the creators’ fault but the higher-ups, holding them accountable, etc.

Like, Scott McCall and Jeff Davis is a great example of this, I think. Obviously, he’s one of my favorite characters of all time. And as much as I hate how Davis and co. wrote him a lot of the time, obviously they also wrote him in ways that established all the core reasons I love that character so much, and there’s no guarantee that if another writer had launched a TW reboot, their version of Scott would be remotely like the one that I latched onto. 

And obviously we’ve all talked a lot about how Davis could have done more with Scott’s Mexican heritage and identity as biracial and latino, even though there’s a large chance he would have just been white if another creator had been in charge. I raise that just as another example of what I’m talking about, not one that I myself am looking to weigh in on, I leave that to latine fans. For myself, I’ve obviously talked a lot about how I project onto Scott and identify with him so much as a survivor and see a lot of parallels between his story and my own experiences and the identity they’ve shaped for me. And on that front at least, I’ve ranted just as much about how I personally don’t give Davis any credit for this stuff, because I think it happened in spite of him not because of him, that he was oblivious to the undertones of his own material, or at least the ones that could easily be read into it.

And then there’s Devin Grayson, the Nightwing writer I rant about a lot. The one who wrote him being raped, which obviously is also a large part of why I identify with Dick, and just like Jeff Davis, something I think is in spite of her writing, not because of it, as she too was irresponsible and oblivious in a lot of her handling of her own material. And at the same time, she’s also the one who introduced Dick’s Romani heritage and made that canon, while being very heavy-handed and stereotypical with the way she wrote things herself, and a lot of Rom readers being very critical of her choices there, while at the same time celebrating Dick’s Rom heritage and happy to have him as representation now. And given how few writers have even referenced Dick’s rape since it happened or how few actually acknowledge that he’s Rom, an argument can bemade that neither of these things would have happened if not for her.

And then we’ve got Bobby Drake, who I identified with long before he came out in the comics, and even moreso now that he’s actual gay rep I can point to. But obviously I rant a tooooon about Bendis and his handling of all this, probably even more than I ever have about Davis or Grayson specifically, and I think the difference here is that making Bobby gay WASN’T something that only he would’ve written. Given that multiple writers going back over twenty years have wanted to and even tried to write Bobby as gay or bi, but Marvel told them no, this is a definite area where the higher-ups are as much to blame for my issues with the comics as Bendis himself. Because Bendis is responsible for the writing choices I dislike so intensely in this matter, but Marvel’s higher ups are responsible for Bendis being the one who got to make the writing choices in this matter, even though other writers were willing and able.

I’m honestly not sure where I’m going with this, lmao, and don’t really have a point, sorry if you thought I did. I’m more kinda just thinking out loud. Except...in text. Whatever.

Anyway. All of this I think goes to show one of the best things about storytelling IMO....which is that stories grow with the telling. Always. Storytelling is like one giant, never-ending game of telephone. Where every time a story is retold, or adapted, or even just passed along from one person to another via a summary of the events - something gets added to it. The last person to pass it on in some fashion added a little bit of themselves to it, their own personal experiences and perspectives and priorities helping to further shape or flesh out the story even further. 

Sometimes by adding little details or context that maybe weren’t even in the original source material, but that we unthinkingly add in, maybe because those details are things that came to mind when reading or watching the story since they go hand in hand with why the story appealed to us in the first place. Like we add them in without realizing it because it seems so obvious that there are little holes and gaps in the story and these are the things that SHOULD go there, should’ve been there from the start. 

And other times, we add to and grow stories in the telling, somewhat counter-intuitively, but by ERASING little details about the stories or elements that feel like they don’t belong. Like filing away the rough edges to leave a more finished, polished piece before we hand it off to the next person, our audience for our retelling or recounting of it. Again, often not something we’re even consciously thinking about, our minds automatically leaving out the parts that we take for granted don’t fit or shouldn’t have been there in the first place. 

So any time we interact with a story, have some kind of personal relationship with it or connection to it, its like that story exists on two levels, in two separate ways. There’s the story as it was originally told, initially laid down, the story a creator constructed based on their own personal experiences, lens, and priorities, the story both as they intended to write it and as they actually wrote it, what ended up on the page. And then there’s the story as it exists once distributed to a wider audience, the story as its retold and recounted and transformed and shaped and honed and added to.

And you can’t divorce that second, larger version of the story from the initial ‘baby’ story it grew from. Not to get too precious here, but as with anything that grows, either physically or metaphorically, there is a sense in which its alive, and can be compared to other living things. Like take any person you meet. That person grew from a baby. The baby they were is fundamental to the person they are now. Who they are wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for who they were.

But how much does the baby they were actually matter, when interacting with the person they are now? No, you can’t separate the two, the one wouldn’t exist without the other, but in every way that actually matters, its only the larger, more grown version of that person that you’re actually interacting with, engaging with, INTERESTED in engaging with in the first place. How much credit do you actually owe whatever they were like as a baby or young child, for them growing up to become someone you like and value as a person now, someone who adds something to your life?

I think its something similar, with the way we interact with stories, and I think that’s part of why I have such a problem with the way we’re...encouraged to give proper credit and even show gratitude to storytellers for giving us certain stories in the first place. And I say that as a writer myself, and one who LOVES feedback, and loves interaction, and collaboration, and for whom a large part of the appeal of writing is seeing what someone makes of something I’ve written, or what they go on to do with it.

But I mean.....there’s no doubt that however these things originated, Dick Grayson’s existence as a male rape survivor means a ton to me, as one myself. Just like him being Romani means a ton to a lot of Rom fans, and the way Scott McCall being Latino means a ton to a lot of latine fans and how he means a lot to survivors in other respects and how Bobby Drake being gay means a ton to a lot of LGBTQ+ fans.

But in a lot of those cases, these characters mean so much to us more as a result of what other people have done with them SINCE those initial stories laid out these aspects of identity. It’s not Devin Grayson’s fumbling attempts at writing Dick as Romani that most Rom readers I know celebrate and enjoy his character, its for what others have done with that heritage on their own. Adding to it with their own personal experience, or at least researching attentively and with proper credit and deference paid to people whose experiences they listen to and learn from, etc. Just like, its not her issue with Nightwing and Tarantula I would actually cite as the reason I identify so strongly with Dick Grayson, but all of the fics and meta and headcanons written about that issue by other survivors who added to it and fleshed it out and made it real and lived with their own experiences and takes, while filing away the parts that just didn’t work for them.

Then again, we could argue that at least we still owe something for having that opportunity in the first place, right? That there was even that seed planted, that other people cultivated and grew into the story we actually like and engage with.

Except, idk. Like, intent doesn’t matter in terms of harm done, we say that a lot and its true. The fact that you didn’t intend to hurt someone with something doesn’t mean that they weren’t hurt. But that doesn’t mean that intent doesn’t matter, that it doesn’t make a difference in how something comes across. That sometimes it isn’t THE difference, in and of itself.

I rant about non/con fic and hurt/comfort fics all the time, fics that are really just an excuse for torture porn, even as I write stories that deal heavily with rape and abuse. And I don’t find this remotely hypocritical, because for me, this part traces back to intent. I’ve got zero interest in people using trauma such as rape or abuse for a narrative REASON. Like when writers talk about using rape as a tool to reveal something about a character, to change them in some way or develop them, to show what they’re capable of surviving or toughen them up, anything like any of that, I have an immediate and visceral reaction of FUCK NO. That train of thought is basically a dealbreaker right there, because I’ve got a deep-seated hostility to the idea that rape or any kind of trauma can be a tool. Even in fiction. Because no matter how you frame it, that tacitly perpetuates the idea that rape or abuse can have a purpose, a reason for existing, for happening to a character or a real person, and from there it’s only a few small steps to justification of it happening. The idea that being raped or abused can make a person better, can change them into a better or stronger or person in ways no other experiences or circumstances can manage - that’s deeply abhorrent to me, and I’ve got no respect for stories that go this route.

But at the same time, I do write stories about rape and abuse and read and engage with stories about this stuff, like various stories about Dick or Scott. And for me, the difference in these stories, the reasons why I’m interested in these but not those others, is because of the intent behind their writing, or at least what I perceive that intent to be, based on the writing. I’m interested in the stories that aren’t about writing rape/abuse to tell a story about a character, but stories about characters who have been raped/abused. Stories that are about the PEOPLE affected rather than the events that affect them. That treat rape/abuse not as a narrative or plot device or a thing that happens with purpose or for a reason, but rather just as things that happened to the people the story is about. Treating these things as lived experiences rather than part of an author’s grand design, or the real-life version of these things as part of God’s grand design. I don’t read/write stories about rape or abuse, I read/write stories about survivors. The difference is in the intent. Writers who are trying to make something horrible into something useful versus writers who are trying to make something out of the aftermath of something horrible. The latter value the survivor’s pain; the former don’t value their pain enough not to subject them to it in the first place.

And this of course relates to writing identity as well as experiences. With writers like Davis and a Latino character like Scott or writers like Bendis and a gay character like Bobby. It comes down to intent. Why are they making these choices, giving these characters these identities. Are they doing so for a purpose, because they think it says something about that character or will result in something? Or are they doing it to tell stories about a character with this identity? Because just like with certain lived experiences, I’ve got no respect for writers who treat real life identities as a tool, as something that can be chosen with purpose, to achieve specific goals. 

Most latine fans who are dissatisfied with Davis’ handling of Scott as a biracial or Latino character specifically, IME they cite the problem being how little interest Davis showed in actually expanding on that or doing anything with that aspect of his identity, even while happily taking credit for casting a Latino actor in his lead role. The vast majority of my complaints with Bendis and his writing of Bobby’s sexuality go back to how little interest he ever showed in writing Bobby as a character, having him explore his sexuality rather than just treating his coming out as a character benchmark or milestone that would forever have Bendis’ name on it, and that’s all he needed or wanted out of that. Why would anyone owe a writer credit or praise or gratitude for using someone elses’ identities for personal achievements? 

The flipside though is what about writers who write outside their lane in an honest and sincere attempt to tell stories about people who have these identities, stories about the experiences that come with them, stories about these people as people. Okay sure, that’s different, that’s great. But I mean, its not THAT great. As a white dude, I don’t ever think, gee I sure am grateful that this writer sat down and decided I’m gonna make this character a white guy because I think white guys have stories worth telling. LOL. Nah. So why should I be like, well gee, I sure am grateful that this writer sat down and decided I’m gonna make this character gay or bi because I think gay or bi guys have stories worth telling? I wouldn’t. I shouldn’t. Congrats on seeing me as a person whose identity and experience has value, same as I am and do because of my whiteness or my maleness? I’m....grateful? Nah. I mean, yes, this is better than writers like Davis or Bendis who are only writing outside their lane to get credit and praise for doing so, but just because its not ACTIVELY bad, doesn’t mean its like....ACTIVELY good or worthy of gratitude instead of just....hey, here’s a thing a writer did, they wrote a story with someone who’s like me in these specific ways. I’m a person to them.

Again, I have noooooooo idea where I’m going with any of this or what I was trying to say in any kind of cohesive fashion. This was just....stream of consciousness musing that I will now wrap up because I’ve run out of steam and/also I gotta get back to work. Make of it what you will, like, if you can find something useful in this, hooray and also, impressive, lmao, and if not....let your eyes glaze over and scroll past, lololol.

[cooljazsheepie]

Webcomic Creator Interview with Kosmic of Feast for a King

Hi, all! I usually don’t post my webcomic creator interviews on this account, but this one is special since the comic is explicitly NSFW. The creator, Kosmic, is super awesome though and deserved an interview anyway. Check it after the cut.

Me: Please introduce yourself.

Kosmic: My name is Kosmic and I make two comics currently, Feast for a King and Eggshells. Although I mostly focus on Feast for a King! Which is a really graphically violent/sexual story about man eating worms in a sci-fi setting. I started it in September 2014 and I’ve basically been working every day on it since then.

Me: What made you pick sci-fi?

Kosmic: I’ve always really loved sci-fi stuff!! Many of my favorite stories/movies are sci-fi or have some robot/alien elements to them. I think it’d be more accurate to say that sci-fi picked me because FFAK was inspired by a dream I had which had some very strong sci-fi elements and visuals. I think at the time when I started FFAK, I was also feeling really inspired by the first two Terminator movies and wanted to like, take the elements about that i found successful in those movies and include them in my own story! I liked how much the characters struggled and how hopeless it felt to face their enemies, but they kept going anyway despite being so afraid. I also had a bunch of stories/characters I worked on sometimes that was really just my own version of Trigun that I didn’t know what to do with and just...felt like building on more of that type of world. I think I first started those characters in like 2009 but they were basically just back-burner ideas for something eventually. I got a lot of story material like that!!

Me: Do you have a favorite part of the creative process when you're working on your comic?

Kosmic: Favorite part of he process...That is kinda difficult. There are so many parts that I enjoy that blend in with each other, it’s hard to determine when one step begins and the other ends. Brainstorming with music is always really nice, especially if it’s in the afternoon and I don’t have any responsibilities to worry about. I do a lot of self RP too. I can go anywhere in the story I feel like and just let my mind explore freely!! Its always very fun/exciting to discover things I didn’t expect or when some connection suddenly clicks that opens up new doors of ideas! SO.. daydreaming is my favorite part, I suppose. That feels kinda basic to say, but I can’t think of anything that tops it!

Me: Nooo. I totally get what you mean. Just letting ideas come to you is the best! You do color and black&white comics. Do you prefer one over the other?

Kosmic: I don’t really like the look of colored comics for the most part, honestly. I find it way too mentally distracting and I find it often takes me out of the story by making me too aware I’m reading something. So, I generally prefer the look of B&W comics when I’m the one reading. However! I personally find it boring to do for too long if I’m the one working!! I hate doing the same stuff for too long and black/white communicates a certain type of atmosphere to me, so after a while it can feel kinda stiff or limited when I don’t...really need to be?? I used to be determined to only use B/W ONLY EVER!!! and now I am allowing myself the freedom to experiment using some aspects of color to communicate my ideas and not worry about a consistent look too much lol. I sort of feel like my comics fall somewhere in the middle because they obviously DO use color but aren’t like  the ‘typical’ full color comic, I guess? I dunno. That’s how i interpret it anyway. I am breaking my own rules of what looks good!!! If I had to make a decision, it would still B&W over color. :3

Me: Do the colors you pick have a certain significance for the characters? Like I know you have several named after them and the worms are colored by status.  

Kosmic: Yes! Totally. They are super important! I have a whole color lore or color language I have built in the story. I dont really focus on like...every color in the rainbow though. Its mostly with basic default-y colors of Red/Yellow/Blue + Green. Red and Green being the most important ones I use in FFAK. I reflect a lot on their dynamic and parallel in several different ways with various designs and narratives, Crimson and Celadon’s relationship is also meant to be a direct translation of that conflict and bond I see with those two colors in the context of the story as well. Red and Green is like the ...PURE EXPRESSION OF LIFE AND DEATH!!! or something.

Me: For your worms, do you choose certain animals for them or you just go by whatever? Like how Paper is a bunny.

Kosmic: Nah, I mostly go by whatever and many worm designs are just improvised on the spot as these weird...animal chimera things. Paper is sort of an odd one out because she’s specifically very bunny-themed.

Me: Do you have a favorite character?

Kosmic: Crimson’s my absolute favorite character!! However... Knife is also very important. I guess he’s a close 2nd. I just have put a staggering amount of work/history into both characters they both kinda stand out a little bit from the rest lol.

Me: I know you said to just read whatever, but how does the use of gender shape your comic? As a creator.

Kosmic:  I suppose it shapes a lot and yet it...doesn’t? IDK, it’s difficult to explain cause I think gender is a broad topic and I’m not sure what parts to focus on with it shaping? Haha. Most of my characters are just self-inserts really. It’s not really a conscious thing that I feel like I need to fit a quota of or something. I just sort of naturally feel the need to articulate feelings about my experiences using the characters sometimes. I also generally use my comic as a safe place to explore my thoughts about identity and sexuality. It makes the comic really personal/vulnerable/stressful sometimes, but I also feel like I understand myself a little easier. As much as I reflect on it I don't really have a concise answer or reason.. it’s just part of life! So there it is!

Me: Do you find that you attract or put off readers with the sex? Like do people expect a hentai situation? Or ignore the warning and get mad about it?

Kosmic: Yeah, it definitely rocks the boat a bit. I get a lot of polarized reactions from my sexual content. Mostly it’s supported and people understand and respect what I do with it, but I have definitely received negative comments or like, people feeling betrayed it was included at all. (Nothing upset people more than that period sex scene in chapter 11 for example .) It’s also often described as a vore fetish comic which I also...have mixed feelings with LMFAO. It just feels really misleading and simplifying the narrative. I think the fact that I include genitals in my drawings [means] people get the impression it’s supposed to be a smutty hentai comic, but then when they read it isn’t that either. So it’s hard for people to determine what it is. It pushes buttons, I guess. good and bad.

Me: Who is your intended audience or do you not have one?

Kosmic: I don’t really have an intended audience!!! I just draw it as much for me as possible. :D

Me:  What made you decide on making a webcomic?

Kosmic:  I’ve been determined to make comics since i was like...13 or 14? And webcomics are very freeing!! You just post it and go!! Nothing can stop you from making your story how you want and I love that.

Me: Do you have any advice for other creators?

Kosmic: Advice is tough... But I suppose it is important to establish your boundaries between yourself and the audience. Your enjoyment and relationship you have with yourself and your art is what is most important. So be careful not to burn yourself out on what people will think/say/ask and it’s OK to feel overwhelmed and over-stimulated sometimes. Even when it’s positive attention, it can still be just as stressful and draining. I find that’s the hardest part about making a comic is learning how to deal with the reception rather than making the comic itself lmao. So yeah! Draw and write what you want! Always. But also give yourself a private place only for you, so you can reflect on your journey. :3

Me: That's great advice. Do you plan on making a print version?

Kosmic: My friend Cameron made Chapter 1 into a book and mailed it to me as a surprise. But besides that, I have no actual plans or real desire to make a printed version.It seems like it would take a lot of work to do and I’m very lazy. Maybe some sort of art book would be more ideal, but who knows!

Me:  Will you be attending any cons or making any merch?

Kosmic: I went to one con in 2015! I sold like...a single poster I think. It was fun (especially because a friend from Canada was staying and helped tremendously with it,I also got interviewed the first time there!) but not exactly the ideal experience. Another friend also made keychains for me of the characters that we sold online. But, besides that, I don’t have any cons planned. I want to make t-shirts in the future, but I’m so slow to do these things.  I just really need to take the plunge, but I generally get intimidated by money making stuff!!

Me: Do you do art full time?

Kosmic: Yes LOL. FFAK is basically my life. I do educational/instructional flash animations as well for the monies, but I am pretty broke most of the time. If it weren't for Patreon, IDK what I’d do!! I am so thankful for it.

And that’s it. I already linked Kosmic’s Tumblr profile, but you can also follow them on Twitter for personal or comic updates! If you have any comments or questions, feel free to post here or submit an ask. If you would like to be interviewed for your own comic, contact me here for explicitly NSFW content or over on my literacy blog if your work doesn’t have content restrictions that make it NSFW. Please also feel free to suggest artists for me to interview.

[thelegendofclarke]

can you explain why you still like octavia? i'm not trying to troll you or anything i am just wondering. i used to really like her a lot and she was one of my favorites but i just don't like her character that much anymore so i am wondering what people still like about her?

Hey Anonny! Yeah sure, since you have asked so nicely I guess I can talk about my thoughts on Octavia…

Ok so ~caveat lectors~ before I start: I usually avoid answering questions like this tbh because 1) I tend to get really rambley, and 2) I feel like people have a tendency to equate liking a character with condoning/agreeing with all their actions and trying to excuse/justify everything they do. That’s NOT how I personally approach liking a character. So yeah, I preface this by saying that even though I love O and find her character really interesting, I absolutely don’t agree with everything she has done or every choice she has made. 

So one of the first things I find really interesting about Octavia is how she is kind of a commentary on what happens when people are taught to deal with their problems/emotions through violence. At some point in the series, O has acted out physically against the very people who she loves most in the world: Bellamy, Lincoln, and Indra. As I discuss below, I think she uses force: a) because she never learned that it was wrong (she has actually been taught to use it as a coping mechanism), and b) because she never learned to express herself in healthier ways. 

O spent the first 14 years of her life living in a hole in the floor; her brother and her mother were her entire world and the only people she had ever interacted with. Also, given how the other Delinquents reacted to her in “Join or Die,” it doesn’t look like she was permitted to interact with any of them either after she was locked up. Someone who lives such a solitary life like that probably isn’t going to have learned very well how to deal with their emotions or have a lot of emotional maturity. Then she was sent to the ground and she, along with all the other Delinquents, are basically immediately exposed to using violence as a means to survive. I mean Lincoln was probably the biggest marshmallow stuffed teddy bear on the whole show, yet he was the one who ultimately taught O to fight and to kill. Indra, who was probably one of the biggest influences on O’s life outside of Bellamy and Lincoln, taught her “a warrior does not mourn those she’s lost until after the battle is won.” Before Lincoln turns himself in to Pike O tells him “We fight together;” this is how she shows her support, this is how she shows she loves him and she is with him. Action, and often violent action, is how Octavia has learned to deal with things. But I think what Octavia’s character shows us is that this is a destructive way to live. It’s not only destructive to the individual, but it will end up being destructive to society, such as the grounder one, where children are taught to be warriors.  Changing this society built around war and violence (something Clarke and Lexa wanted to do and Luna is working to do) is something I think will end up being important. 

I also think O’s tendency toward aggression is tied to her lack of self-worth, as this post sums up perfectly:

Octavia makes herself large, throwing her weight and her words around to claim as much space as possible, and that’s rooted in her life under the floor. She feels like she has to fight for everything because back when she didn’t fight, she got nothing. Just being a human – a friend, a girlfriend, a sister – is not enough for Octavia. She sees no merit to just being herself; that never got her anything before. She has to fight, or she’ll wind up with nothing again.

Society on The Ark made people feel powerless. It took away so much of their freedom of choice and identity and essentially dictated who and what they were, and as I talk about right below, I think O is a prime example of this. And I think one of her greatest fears is feeling powerless like that again.  

Another thing I find interesting about O’s character and her arc is how she has basically gone completely from one end of the spectrum to the other in terms of agency. If you think about it, Octavia is the only Delinquent who was locked up, and then subsequently sent to the ground, through no fault or actions of her own. Her crime was existing. Every other Delinquent made conscious choices that resulted in them getting put in the Sky Box and then sent to Earth. Even Wells, who’s crime was the actual cutest and lamest crime I have ever heard of, still committed an actual crime with the express goal of being sent to Earth. In the Ark, Octavia lived a life of essentially total submission; she was completely controlled by the wills of those around her and basically had no free will of her own. Now we see her moving into a stage that almost seems to be complete rebellion. She’s pretty much saying “fuck it” to everyone else and their expectations and doing what she wants regardless of the consequences or who she hurts… I don’t think either of these are the true Octavia. Personally, I want to see O find a balance between the two; I think that’s where she’ll find herself. 

I also kind of see O’s arc so far as a ~How Far the Mighty Have Fallen~ kind of thing, and I think the cave scene with Bellamy in “Fallen” is the pinnacle example. During season 1 “Contents Under Pressure” when Bellamy had Lincoln chained up and beat him O was appalled. Yet at the end of season 3, we see her do the exact same thing when it is Bellamy chained to the wall and she is the one doing the beating. I think that parallel shows exactly how much O has changed since season 1, and not necessarily for the better. And I think it was also about how people can, in moments of extreme sorrow or desperation, let their emotions get the better of them and lash out and the consequences that may result from that. I can think of two other big examples of this in the series off the top of my head right now…

Finn, who was always a huge advocate for peace and non-violence and refused to hold a gun, holding a village of grounders hostage at gun point and killing some of them in season 2 when Clarke was missing. 

Bellamy participating in the killing of the grounder army in season 3 after the massacre at Mount Weather. 

Like other characters have, and will continue to do so I suspect, Octavia has reached her dark/breaking point. This is supposed to make us uncomfortable, this is supposed to make us squirm, we are supposed to be throwing shit at the TV and yelling “NO BB WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” through our tears… I do hope that, like Bellamy, Octavia gets a chance to redeem herself from this; but I don’t need her to have a redemption arc for me to still like and appreciate her character and what she contributes to the story. 

I also feel that a lot of my ability to love and appreciate Octavia as a character is because I am good at separating fact from fiction. I don’t like O because I was to be her bff and have sleepovers and bake cupcakes (although I would totally be down for braiding each other’s hair!), I like her because I find her character and her arc and her journey interesting to watch and generally enjoyable. I understand that there are people who have a hard time with this, and I’m not even trying to be at all snarky or condescending here. I completely and totally understand and accept that some people have had experiences or relationships in their lives that can make certain types of media or stories or characters difficult to watch because it triggers an emotional reaction for them. Octavia beating up Bellamy was horrifying and heart wrenching to watch, but I see O and Bell as fictional characters and not real people going through this situation. I DO NOT agree with Octavia beating up Bellamy, I don’t think it was right in any way or that he ~had it coming~ or anything of the sort, nor do I agree with the way she has treated several other characters on several other occasions. But I’m also not going to completely write her off; Octavia is such an interesting character to me BECAUSE she is so adrift and is struggling so hard to process and work through what is happening around her and where she fits in. I just personally don’t need a character to be completely good or moral for me to like them, nor do I feel the compulsion to defend or justify every single choice made and action taken by the characters I like. 

I realize that I am kind of glossing over O’s relationships with Lincoln and Bellamy and those dynamics here, but tbh my focus was on Octavia herself and her character. I know that her relationships, especially these two, have done a great deal to shape who she is. But idk to me that is just a completely separate discussion from this one. 

And yep, this got superrr rambley… but I warned you!

P.S. if you are still curious or want to talk more about Octavia I definitely recommend checking out @raincityruckus if you haven’t already! She has written more articulately about O, and the Blake sibling in general, than I ever could. 

[hellooogaynow]

3, 4, 10, 17, 18, 24, 25, 26, 29, 62, 67, 76, 79, 82, 99, 100

3. How many tattoos i have and what they are:

none rn but i hope that changes soon

4. Last time i cried and why:

thursday night i was crying about literally everything tbh my brother in law and i were talking about lots of things like how our identities shape the way we live in the world and he asked about my dad/step mom and other family relationships and he asked about my experiences with homophobia and just generally as a gay person and all that bottled up shit i’ve had kinda exploded and then i was messing with my hair in the bathroom and i found a grey hair and i cried about that for a while

10. Biggest turn ons:

answered earlier but also i’m gonna add someone who likes podcasts 

17. A fact about my life:

i’ve been listening podcasts so much i’m either sleeping, working, or listening to something

18. Phobia:

i can’t look at sharks idk why because i know they’re not that bad and u can explain to me all day that not many people die from shark attacks but i’m still gonna scroll passed that shit so fast when it comes up on my dash and avoid any and all shark movies 

24. Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?

i don’t smoke, i drink occasionally, do sleeping pills count as drugs because i’ve been taking those a lot lately

25. Someone you miss:

answered already and tbh thinking about who else this applies to makes me feel sad in a bad way and that’s not what i want rn so pass

26. What’s one thing you regret?

i had one relationship where i messed up a lot and lied about a lot of things and put down my own friends because i didn’t know how else to make this person feel as loved and important as they really were to me and all i could think about was doing things to make them happy regardless of what i had to do or say to make that happen or the effects it would have on them or me or anyone around me and i just did not know how to balance any of my relationships in a good way and i honestly learned a lot from this and i know i’m a better person now and i wouldn’t handle things the same way and i know i’m capable of being in a healthy relationship now but i still wish i hadn’t have acted the way i did in the first place because i still feel guilty and go through periods where i completely hate myself because of the people i hurt and the things that i did and said

29. One insecurity: 

my mouth/teeth

62. Have you ever felt an earthquake?

once in high school i was asleep on my waterbed and all of a sudden it swooshed and i was awake and i didn’t realize until later that an earthquake had woken me up

67. Have you ever been in a car accident?

i’ve been rear ended twice and in two car accidents 

76. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?

god yes

79. Have you ever kissed in the rain?

yes, it’s one of my clearest memories

82. Have you ever dream that you married someone?

often

99. Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?

yes and sometimes i still think so 

100. Give us one thing about you that no one knows.

i’ll do dances in the office at work to help keep myself awake sometimes