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bichitosdecolores · 7 months

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i finished rain world and downpour so here are my thoughts :3

(really long post below)

survivor, vanilla cat

spoilers start

you are cat. you are alone scared week and confuse. you encounter big computer robot. you eat her brain. get instructions on how to die by another computer robot how is mad because he cannot die. you go and die. 10/cat

spoilers end

ok but seriously, survivors campaign is my favorite because is infinitely replayable, you can go through it in so many different ways… the sense of discovery and immersion is immaculate. and most importantly, unlike (most) other campaigns, when playing survivor i didn’t feel like playing as a video game character, i felt like survivor. i understood perfectly how the silly cat was feeling and why it was doing what it was doing. it’s really weird in a video game to be able to make you feel so connected to a character, specially to a silent blob in a cryptic world.

Campaign: 10/10 best ca(t)mpaign.

Cat: 9/10. really versatile cat.

Story: 9999/10 again, this is one of the very few games i’ve played where the story IS the gameplay. and what a catntastic story it is.

(i’m bad)

arti, artificier, kaboom mom

you go commit a murder. and you explode. that’s about it.

Campaign: 6/10. really fun, also incredibly unfair and at times. the one i’m less likely to replay ever, but i did enjoy it a lot.

Cat: 10/10 you go kaboom and it big fun.

Story: 8/10. i like it!. not as strong as survivor but it is really good. is still the story of a cat and i like that, also the way the flashbacks play is really cool.

(i’m still bad)

gourmand, round cat, the most powerful being on heart.

i killed more things in this campaign that in any other, and i wasn’t even trying.

Campaign: 8/10 good old campaign. i like it a lot, it’s really similar to survivor but with a hard optional hard quest. i didn’t give it a higher score because, one, since is the first campaign in the dlc and also the most similar to survivor i find it quite boring to play (though on replay it’s not such a problem), and two, the difficulty in this one is reallyy weird. it either completely unfair or ridiculously easy and no in between.

Cat: 7/10. it’s really silly, in the best way possible. really fun when is being fun but infuriating when it isn’t.

Story: 10/10. gourmand literally said fuck this depressing world i’m going to have the time of my life, and it did. and i love it for that.

(i’m kind of good)

Rivulet, Ruffles, The Silly

you fast. that it.

Campaign: 9/10. it’s so much fun. i didn’t even found 5p region frustrating (even though it’s definitely not the best). also i found the use of the campaign objectives very good implemented. the refraction cell is so fun to carry around, swimming feels awesome, exploration is great and the movement is so fun. (although, combat and spears are literally rendered useless by rivulet speed and i don’t love that). will replay for sure

Cat: 9/10. again, incredibly fun but it kind of breaks half of the original mechanics of the game.

Story: 10/10 emotionally, 5/10 lord wise, 4/10 cat wise, so like 6/10. idk, i love the story it tells for moon and pebbsi pebbles because it makes me sad and happ, but i also don’t like it because it kind of ruins the feeling and theme of the original game a little and also because rivulet makes no sense at all. i have a google document with like 4 theories to make it makes sense and while writing that was fun, it is obvious that none of them are cannon and that rivulets story is only a way to keep telling moons and pebbles story, is no longer the story of a cat and that makes me sad. top 3 ending screen art though.

(ruffles goes brrr)

spear master, 7, the cat of the saddest robot

i have. way to many feelings on this to make it make sense but i’ll try.

Campaign: with pearl? 8/10, it’s just kinda annoying, i hate that pearl. with a little bit of passage cheese? 9/10, it is so fun. i like this campaign because it feels very very alien. the other downpour campaign also feel like they don’t fit in this world as good as the vanilla campaigns and while in those cases it makes the campaign a little worst then the original, i’ll like to argue spearmasters is the only one in which the effect is opposite.

light spoilers start

as we learn spearmaster was artificially created and heavily modified by seven red sums aka the best character in the game.

light spoilers end

the way they feed is stabbing things and is so weird. they look like they don’t belong, they play like they don’t belong, this cat creates spears made of bone out of its tail! it’s insane. they are too strong, they don’t feel part of the food change as much as they feel like they are disrupting it. but unlike rivulet speed, arti explosives or gourmand… godlikenindes?, it is the point. they were created artificially for exactly this. they can beat all and every preparator because they were designed to do so. not only that but the story also feels so much more natural, closer to survivors immersion then any of the others, because yes, you are just following a straight path, doing a set mission. but not because the game says so but because your creator says so. because that is your only porpoise. no exploration and wonder and open world. you go do what you were told by that who designed you to be unable to fit in this world. and it makes playing as sm so engaging.

Cat: 10/10. literally survivor but with infinite spears, it takes the pre existing mechanics of the game and just makes them more accessible so you can mess around. feeding is still weird, why did you take away its mouth? (i’m taking to you suns)

Story: 8/10. this is going to be long again, so sorry. Ok so first things first. the reading the transmissions as the primary way of storytelling is not my favorite, but it works. the environmental storytelling in this one is crazy good, (spoilers start) seeing moon in her full structure right after survivor and rivulet is heartbreaking and breathtaking. pebbles is also pretty good in this one. he is clinically insane, i love him. (spoilers end) overall is a great story but not the most compelling for how is told.

until!

that reading works if you analice sm campaign as the others, but as i said before, i think the weird and unfitting in this campaign is what makes it better than the others. for example, the method of storytelling requiring you to reed this long messages between iterators kinda of kills the immersion at times and feels out of place. this is in my opinion the point. sm is not supposed to find and read this, this is NOT their story, in the eyes of their creator, they are not even a character in it but a mere tool. so yeah it feels like the story is disconnected because, again, it is. my favorite part of sm campaign is this feeling and the context provided by the iterators conversations; that they are so close to being gods, so isolated from the world, so disconnected by design, unable to fully experience life, that they will create and use living feeling creatures like sm and hunter as tools without malice but out of ignorance and disconnect. and i love that because it reminds us how insignificant slugcat and all creatures are in comparison to these semi immortal machines, it gives us once more a glance of this world and its story making us wonder what it once was and making the world feel interesting and endlessly big, just as survivor’s campaign did.

Also it has suns and sig in it so 100/10 i love grape cat

(i killed more scavengers as sm than arti, i feel bad)

saint

look. i played the campaign, i read the wiki, i watched videos on it, i still don’t get it.

Campaign: 7.5/10. the world looks insane, the level design is really good, the art gorgeous and the echoes hunt is pretty fun and interesting. moon and 5p are great too. finding 5p made me tear up, something no other game had ever done, so yeah. good. and then you get to rubicon :)))) also as i said, the story looks cool! i wish it made sense. i can make silly theories for rivulet but there is no explanation for saint that doesn’t obliterate the rest of the cannon (if it is pleaseee tell me)

Cat: really fun, it’s almost a new game with pretty much every mechanic of the original removed or drastically changed. and while i understand some people may (understandably) dislike this, i think they are really well implemented mechanics, i had a lot of fun. (until the end when the game took way to many of those drug mushrooms and the mechanics, level design, enemies and everything else went rubicon, if you know what i mean. (for the record, i didn’t have a terrible time at rubicon and i don’t hate it as much as a lot of people do buut i do think is a bad ending mechanically speaking, but i’m no game designer so what do i know). i’ll love to replay it and i’ll likely do. and then quit just as i get to rubicon :))

Story: ???/10 what the hell just happen

(i killed a single spider!)

in summary, play rain world or else

ok thanks for reading i’ll go back at obsessing over yellow depressed robot

#red plays games #red plays rain world #pros of being bored: i wrote this :3

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sako-mii · 3 years

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aye hello! hope you’ve been well. id like to request a matchup for tokyorev

im a heterosexual female. genderfluid, but my default pronouns are she/her/herself. im also asexual

personality:

i would describe myself as a bit more tomboyish but still relatively girly. im independent, honest, compassionate, and rather jovial. im a no-nonsense person as i value mental health and direct conversation. im pretty chill and vibey and express ambivert energy. i can connect to people who match my energy and just talk about random things. i also like to embrace my inner child and can be stupidly silly :3 im very playful and can be a big tease it’s basically a hobby at this point sksksk. but im rather sweet and gentle with things i find precious as i am naturally kind/affectionate to those i endear. i love to take care of those i cherish deeply, however, i am not afraid to tell you how it is. im inclined to be very straightforward with people as i believe that is important in any relationship. sometimes i may come off as blunt, but i have strong reasons to be as such. though, i am emotionally aware and observant through close interactions. i can also be a big cheerleader for any type of support and will truly be loyal till the end if i find someone worth standing by with

on the other side, people have told me that i can be tsundere at times and grow aloof or distant. at first glance, i can come off as intimidating or just not approachable. when it gets serious, i can be aggressive and b a hypocrite sometimes.. im kinda content in my lonesome and in my dark hours as i can handle myself pretty well but i still require patience and supervision. though i dont always take care of myself, i am quite patient and introspective nonetheless. tho, for you, i will scold you if you dont

personality tests:

in MBTI, im an INTJ

(i get along with everyone in the zodiac house so i dont necessarily believe in it but-)

in astrology: sun sagittarius, moon sagittarius, and rising libra

my enneagram is 8w9

pretty accurate stuff

Likes:

acai bowls, matcha green tea, jelly beans.., animals (stuffed and/or alive), anime, criminology/forensics, psychology, mechanical keyboards, roller skating, organizing things, video games, collecting things, formal events, baking and artsy stuff (sewing, crocheting, drawing, occasional designing, etc), performing arts stuff (dance, music), fashion: streetwear/comfy style and sometimes more bold wear, skincare, satisfying things, going out in nature, cuddles..

Dislikes:

disrespect, playboys, toxic, overly clingy people, shallow, overly restrictive, overly sensitive, overly confrontational, heavily lacking in confidence, exclusive people (people disregarding others), unreliable people, avocado, sausage, out of tune singers, unsatisfying things, unreasonably-hard-to-open products 🤨

Appearance:

im a 160cm filipino girl. i have short, mute violet, bobbed hair with an undercut at the back. i have big black almond eyes with round glasses and am kinda light to med skinned. im relatively lightweight but still have some tone cuz sis lost sum muscle 😭 i also wear these small curved plastic-like earrings that curves around my earlobe? idk they’re kinda grungy and idk how best to describe em but they have a black gem at the end and they dont rust so i always have em on. i also wear this red string choker with a jade buddha charm in any outfit i wear. it was a gift to me and it holds a personal significance so i only take it off when needed

Love Language:

physical touch and acts of service ( ͡≖ ‿ ͡≖)

im not inclined to superficiality because bonding is what matters most to me

Expectations In A Partner:

looking:

integrity, honesty, friendly, compassionate, charming, responsible (in their own way ig?), smart, reliable, understanding, patient, playful, etc… idk, someone who can fulfill my emotional needs and just be chill with me when the time is right

dislike:

overly possessive, playboy, toxic, manipulative, overly clingy people, shallow, overly restrictive, overly sensitive, overly aggressive and confrontational, heavily lacking in confidence, etc

Extra:

im clumsy. i also love frogs i think they’re cute. i tend to get irritated by small things easily, even though im quite meticulous and very detail oriented. like i hate it when products are manufactured with an atrociously difficult film/cap. it makes it sooo damn hard to open and i get angy (bonus if it breaks or tears at the rim lmfaOO) also my favorite color is pumpkin orange ig

thank you for reading!

I'll assign you...

Takashi Mitsuya

You met him through the sewing club. You had to join a club for school and your friend dragged you into the sewing club saying that it'd be fun.

"Leader! We got a new member" your friend told her club president. As you entered the club room, you were surprised to see a guy walking up to you.

"You must be the new member, I'm Takashi Mitsuya, the club president. Nice to meet you, you can ask me about anything you want to know." He called.

You thought that it wouldn't be that hard, but you were wrong. You had no idea how to sew.

You wanted to give up but Mitsuya suggested to give you some extra time to teach you.

You mostly would learn and practice once everyone was gone to be safe from any embarrassment.

He'd sit next to you teaching you the basics and such. Sometimes you mess up and he chuckles, which makes you kinda flustered and mad. He thinks you look cute when you get mad

He liked you. He thought you look cute when you would get upset when you don't get it right or when you get excited about whatever you're talking to your friend with.

When you'd have your extra lessons with him, you two would talk about different things. He told you about his sisters and why he likes sewing, how he takes care of them because his mom is all the time at work and such.

You liked his caring and passionate side, the way he looks out for his sisters, and also how hardworking he is.

You told him how you feel during your extra lessons with him. Your heart was about to explode when he stayed silent for a while. He came closer and gave you a kiss on the forehead, "I like you too"

You had a simple movie date. After that he took you out to eat and walked you home after while holding hands.

He would sometimes sew you different types of clothes, telling you that you'd look good in them. It makes him happy too when he sees you wear the stuff he gave you (it's like he's your personal stylist-)

He loves to tease you, and he'd tease you a lot. He likes it when you get flustered and suddenly get mad at him for teasing you.

When you're upset, he'd give you some space for a while. Later, he'd ask you what happened and would help to calm you down.

He would also make sure that you're taking proper care of yourself.

You'd spend time together holding hands, cuddling, and also having fun together.

At night, sometimes you'd make him give you a ride on his bike on which doesn't say no.

You'd also help him out with taking care of his siters, Luna and Mana.

Luna and Mana also love you lots and always wait eagerly to see you again.

Hope you like your new realm, that's where you'll stay now.

#Grim answers #tr #matchups #tr matchup #Tokyo revengers #Tokyo revengers matchup #mitsuya #takashi #mitsuya takashi

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chemicalpink · 3 years

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Hey, I hope you are doing good this was a thing that was wondering me so there are lot of bts future spouse /soulmate/twinflame videos being made on youtube and honestly everyone is being psychic like it has become a shitshow and what was previously just for curiosity fun and entertainment are becoming extremely emotionally invested in the topic especially for maknae line soulmate it would be interesting if the can do a tarot reading or your spiritual experience why is the future spouse saga turning ugly and does universe what us to know something through it !? Because it's becoming pretty crazy right now

Okay so I believe that yes, the spiritual part has a lot to do behind this occurrence, but I also think its roots lay on psicosocial matters and honestly I could go on for days about this but I’ll try to restrict it to a few points that you’ve mentioned

Why all of a sudden everyone seems to be tarot readers/astrologers/psychic?

The capitalism behind celebrities and how does that play a part in what is going on?

Are these people accurate at all?

How does energy shifting play a part in this?

Is the soulmate journey even something a third person would be able to note?

But first a Disclaimer: this opinion/rant is based on my experience with spirituality, I am obviously a mere mortal, so I do not hold the absolute truth. Spirituality is a constant learning process and it is open to discussion and interpretation of each person. I am also now a proud sociologist graduate that specialises in a lot of the stuff that has to do with what anon is asking, I’m a social behaviouralist applied to the entertainment industry as well but I’ll also provide my resources in the end.

A/N: Some of you might not yet be ready to read all of this, if I see ANY of you trying to start beef with me, even after the disclaimer, I'm gonna block you. If you want to talk more about it or want to discuss it further, DO SO OFF ANON. ISTG you’ve been warned, I’ve been working on this for the longest time, it even has resources to back all of it up! I’m so glad anon asked, I’m done being diplomatic on this topic (I know people that usually ask stuff are so respectful and i love you guys for it, this note is for those people that regularly jump on my asks to stir things up)

You guys are in for a whole academic article if you decide to read this

SO FUN AND EXCITINGGGG Let us start with behavioural economics as our base to understand the whole phenomenon, it's such a broad and kinda complex concept (especially since I’m trying to extrapolate it to this particular scenario) so let me do my best. It has a lot to do with trend following, although at least to me, it's unclear how exactly this content came to be (soulmate readings, channeling messages, etc) I am guessing it had something to do with an intersectionality between the general spirituality boom that we’ve met with during the pandemic and some person that just as any other marketable opportunity, saw a bridge between fandom life and this spiritual life (both prominent trends in the last two years or so) and honestly, it worked perfectly, whatever their initial intentions were, they threw out a new “product” and it kind of sold itself, two different trends coming together… turned into a behavioural game theory where if you played the part that allows your content to be consumed, you’ll get rewarded for it. In more simple words, tarot meets fandoms (alternatively, tarot meets BTS) is great as it is! but the fan behaviour (which we’ll talk about in a bit) positions the most private parts of the celebrities’ lives to be much more interesting than things that we are already able to see (personal experience, love readings do so much better than idk career readings and it all comes down to behavioural trends of perceiving ‘love’ as something very intimate)

Now, this is where we’ll begin to talk about capitalism as a whole, even in non-monetary systems like social media, where it takes more of a rewarding system via likes, views, reblogs, etc. The whole principle of us living in such a system is being aspirational, we see others profiting off of something, we might want to reach out and do the same so we can profit ourselves, which honestly, I think is what happened with the whole BTS soulmate readings boom, they get a lot of attention, and as a basic market law, as demand goes up and a few people that initially did these readings are no longer capable to satisfy the need of the people wanting to know all the tea, there are market opportunities for other people to do the same thing and increase the offer, although since this whole theory is behavioural, it is very context-dependant, which ends up not following the principle of the consumers being rational about how much and what content they consume, they just sort of consume all of it, regardless of whether the content creator is qualified to offer such content or not, which ultimately only adds onto a never ending cycle of more people claiming they are tarot readers/astrologers/psychics and fear nothing because this is the internet, you don't really have to enter any qualifications to be able to create content, whether someone is reliable in internet terms is basically all about how many likes they’ve got (which is why I always tell you guys to please consume content responsible).

When it comes to accuracy- I guess that’s the hardest part of all, we can’t just have pointers that would automatically tells us if someone’s craft is valid or not, since everyone’s craft is different all craft is valid to a certain extent (you can easily find scammers of course but that’s another story) what we can have are personal standards and deciding what content to consume or whose content to consume, but that’s entirely a personal decision and since so many people are invested in it- it seems really hard that these “market tendencies” might change any time soon. On that same note of accuracy, I really feel the need to talk about a major occurrence I’ve come across in this whole soulmate scene, minors. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a minor and approaching spirituality (I was very much a minor when I started) but there’s a huge difference between just playing around and deciding to create content for the whole world to have access to. Of course I’m aware not all tarot readers in the BTS fandom are minors, and ARMY is very diverse and even if they were only minors it would be wrong to invalidate them, but we can’t ignore the statistics of it when touching this particular topic, according to 2020 data, 50,31% of ARMY are below 18 years old, and 42,59% are between 18-29 but why is this important? because the exact historical and economic moment we are living in mainly impacts these two age groups, thus making all 92,90% of ARMY a potential target to consuming or falling in a behavioural game theory of creating this content without them necessarily being qualified for it. But hey, why do you keep talking about the importance of being qualified? Glad you asked, creating spiritual content all comes down to one amazing term: accountability.

And this will explore two main phases of it, one applicable for that 50,31% that could potentially be drawn to create spiritual content and other for the 42,59% that could potentially be dragged to creating that content without much spiritual knowledge. For the first one, it has a lot to do with cognitive aspects, young people tend to do stuff without much further thought about how their actions impact other people, which, as they should, they are kids, they shouldn’t have to worry too much about emotional responsibility as us adults do, furthermore, they are in life stages where they can’t really comprehend many abstract concepts that we later learn in life, and spirituality is one of those concepts, so they tend to just have fun with it with no regards on how their content might impact other minors (this is where the whole feeding a false scenario that is potentially delusional in exchange of more views, likes comes into play) on a more spiritual level, they also aren’t able to comprehend the boundaries of the celebrities they’re reading for, us readers have to always be careful about the information we give out since it is not ours to give. As for the second group, some of this is still applicable since theorists consider a full cognitive maturity until 23 years of age, but since it is very intersectional itself, i would found it more to a spiritual responsibility, since they are young adults, and if they haven’t been spiritually guided as kids, they’re most probably eager to learn and just awakening yet to some of them the drive to this spirituality is content creation instead of inner work, so they get their hands on a tarot deck, might kind of read a few things, call it a day and start reading for BTS (note: not all of them, I’m aware)

As for the maknae line being the most sought out people with this content, I guess it kinda makes sense now that I’ve said all of the information above, maknae line is closest to the age group of 92,90% of ARMY, so they instantly become more marketable to this content creation and the whole Game Theory that we are seeing. With all that being said, and just adding a note coming from my own spiritual experience, soulmates in any form are a difficult topic for a third person to prode, which is why I, personally, tend to not touch that topic, love is one hell of a concept, especially since we all have different conceptions of love and interpersonal relationships. I do know for a fact that there’s only so far we can go in terms of fated connections, like with astrology, but even then, we would have to know their birth times exactly (so we can check for any indicator or a soulmate connection), and/or compare BTS with the rest of the world’s population in order to accurately tell if someone has a soulmate synastry/overlay/composite with them. Also, soulmate journeys are intimate and we are all just fans, what right do we even have to look for things that do not and will never belong to us?

This is why I’m always telling you guys to PLEASE consume content responsibly! Really! Us content consumers also have our part to play that can help us get more accurate, more drama-free content

REFERENCES (what? you thought I was joking? they’re in alphabetical order)

ARMYCENSUS 2020

Loewenstein, G., O’Donoghue, T., & Rabin, M. (2003). Projection bias in predicting future utility. Quarterly Journal of Economics, 118(4), 1209-1248.

March, J. G. (1978). Bounded rationality, ambiguity, and the engineering of choice. The Bell Journal of Economics, 9(2), 587-608.

Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion and motivation Psychological Review, 98, 224-253.

Mazar, N., Amir, O., & Ariely, D. (2008). The dishonesty of honest people: A theory of self-concept maintenance. Journal of Marketing Research, 45(6), 633-644.

Murphy, S. T., & Zajonc, R. B. (1993). Affect, cognition, and awareness: Affective priming with optimal and suboptimal stimulus exposures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 723-729.

Samson, A., & Voyer, B. (2014). Emergency purchasing situations: Implications for consumer decision-making. Journal of Economic Psychology, 44, 21-33.

Schwartz, B. (2004). The paradox of choice: Why more is less. New York: Ecco.

Shah, A. K., & Oppenheimer, D. M. (2008). Heuristics made easy: an effort-reduction framework. Psychological Bulletin, 134(2), 207-222.

Thaler, R. H. (2015). Misbehaving: The making of behavioral economics. Allen Lane.

Thaler, R. H. (2008). Mental accounting and consumer choice. Marketing Science, 27, 15-25.

Wood, W., & Neal, D. T. (2009). The habitual consumer. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 19, 579-592.

#i really said: thesis? wHERE #im sorry i jump at any given opportunity to rant #especially if it gives me an opportunity to share knowledge with you guys

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coweggomelet · 3 years

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i apparently enjoy putting down my thoughts on the off chance someone will read it and enjoy it so here’s rwby rewatch vol 3. i’m ready to be sad!!

(note: it’s long i’m sorry, i have many thoughts and i tried to narrow it down but oh boy do i think im funny)

- the SOUND DESIGN. AGAIN

- ruby you’re so precious. so sweet. so eager. so earnest. c’mere and i’ll protect you from all the bad shit that happens to you later

- hi cardboard cutout tai

- i keep getting an ad for a rooster teeth show called camp betrayal and the way this man says “hoo hoo hoo” will haunt me for the rest of time

- oh shit the fact that it’s called amity has such insane implications for what it’s used for later. jesus.

- “bffs!” “No.” “…/yessss/” love them

- yeet the yang

- god ruby’s admiration of emerald is so sad in retrospect like… oh boy ruby you’re in for it

- PYRRHAAAAA I LOVE YOU DONT LEAVE ME

- “even if you know how a story ends, that doesn’t make it any less fun to watch” wow cinder are you psychic

- ummmm they’re having a talk can you please respect their privacy

- thor whomst??? i only know nora valkyrie

- BROODY MAN

- hiiiii gavin

- so much mid battle banter. in the middle of a big important fight they just have to make jokes and argue. i love teenagers

- SILENCE YOU BOOB

- awww winter you’re a disaster and you’re horribly emotionally repressed because of your bitch ass dad but jesus christ you care about your little sister and you wanna know she’s doing okay and i’m emotional about it

- PENNYYYYY my love just keep being you

- jeez i forgot how early on ironwood was talking his shit about being “someone who will act”, the “only person” who will do what needs to be done, as if his course of action is what needs to be done

- every single person who underestimates emerald and mercury gets so fucked up. like so many people look at these youngerish teenagers with some funny one liners and banter and go “oh they seem capable and they’re confident and funny so i like em but i can take em” and then absolutely get the shit kicked out of them. and i think that’s why they’ve been so successful, cause nobody takes them seriously enough to consider them a threat.

- see this is why i love rwby. coco just turned her handbag into a gatling gun and cut down a field of grass with it

- god the way they hint at emerald’s semblance before fully showing what it is. *chef’s kiss*

- winter marry me

- we love an uncle who absolutely destroys his nieces at video games

- “they do and they’re called silver!” ruby i love you

- top heavy. heheh

- this dude’s weapon is a trumpet!! she’s got glowing nunchucks!! i love this show!!

- this battle music is AMAZING what the FUCK they’re fighting to JAZZ

- cinder if you keep having vague ominous dialogue people are gonna get the wrong idea

- oh yeah great idea asking a child to take on immense power which sends her into a stressed out panicky spiral and alienates her from the people she finally feels legitimately connected to and for once didn’t feel alienated from

- oh fuck. oh fuck the finals. oh god. oh no.

- she’s so happy. she’s so ready to have a good fight. i’m gonna cry

- FUCK

- and with one moment, the entire show flipped on its head

- god when i watched that the first time i fuckin freaked. i was not prepared man. i was warned. but i was not prepared for this much of a fucking tone change man. that quickly. like tone changes (in my experience) normally happen gradually, but this one happened in, what? 30 seconds?

- fuck

- god this is so bad

- and it GETS WORSE i can’t do this

- love that we can see yang’s distraught eyebrows through her bangs

- after this episode was the first time my friend asked me “how we doing buddy?” and i’ve only wanted to kill her more since then

- oh god emerald’s backstory. this poor child. she was so alone and cinder was there and said i can give you a place i can give you a purpose i can give you security and emerald latched on so hard.

- hiiiii laura bailey i wish you had more than a lil baby line and some sounds of effort

- god that little anklet

- god what a fuckin backstory episode man. backstory? evil plan explanation? idk but it was good

- great parent move. telling your kid you’ll only save them once.

- jaune you sweet good boy. what a good boy. i love him

- god this poor child. she doesn’t deserve this. FUCK i’m so sad. is that the last conversation they have?

- oooooh shit this song is so good. what the fuck i have chills it’s so fitting

- god everyone else is so happy and excited and then there’s ruby who is one of the very few people who knows how bad a fight between penny and pyrrha could be and pyrrha who’s got to decide if she wants someone else’s aura smushed with hers, which could turn her into a different person. FUCK

- peeeennyyyyy “salutations!! it’s an honor to meet you!” it huuuurts

- it makes me so sad but damn was this a good diabolical plan

- god im so sad. penny is so good. and pyrrha’s fuckin eyes. and ruby just collapsing. jesus christ. it’s all fuckin falling apart

- oh fuck here we go. those klaxons are so terrifying

- it makes me so happy that torchwick gets rescued and then like maybe a couple episodes later just gets swallowed

- the fuckin adam fight is coming up too. jesus. really piling on here

- RUBY IS USING ONE OF PENNY’S SWORDS IM GONNA CRYYY

- and she doesn’t even hesitate to save pyrrha

- the one and only time (to my memory) that ironwood is gentle is when he says no one would blame the students if they left. that might be the last time he actually remembers that they’re all teenagers and feels sympathy for these children with all this pressure on them

- oh yeah the big boy

- the first time i watched this i was LOSING MY MIND this whole time. like yang attacked mercury and from then on man. just freaking out.

- eurgh grimm juice

- c’mon blake you got this. i mean. technically you don’t. the fight goes poorly. but you fuckin try and you’re so brave about it and i love youuu

- shut the FUCK up adam you GROOMED her you ASSHOLE

- aahhhh i love velvet!!! her semblance and her whole fighting style is so goddamn cool and has such interesting implications for using weapons and powers of people who are dead

- OH SHIT SHE DOES SUMMON HERE DOESNT SHE. partly but still

- get fucked, torchwick. GET FUCKED. get fuckin chomped

- a backhanded slap feels so much more violent than any fighting with weapons

- uh oh evil katniss

- god. the fucking blood splatter turning the whole shot red. just their silhouettes. the slow motion. the arm slowly separating.

- my friend was also a big fan of “how we feeling?”

- bad. the answer is bad you fuckin sadist

- oz is… a lot of things, and one of them is a goddamn good fighter

- oh god oh noooo she’s gonna kiss & yeet AWWWW FUCK this is heartbreaking

- pyrrha i love you

- if i don’t look it’s not real

- oh pyrrha my love

- awww hey tai. what a good dad. love tai

- i’m so sad. everyone’s so sad. and then salem just has to do an ominous lil monologue where she lays out her whole plan to divide them and makes a fuckin semblance pun. she’s such a good villain

- jacque you stiff bitch

- they’re all fuckin scattered and depressed

- love team rnjr tho

- there she is. god what an ending

#rwby #rwby spoilers #ruby rose #blake belladona #yang xiao long #weiss schnee #pyrrha nikos #penny polendina #james ironwood #emerald sustrai #cinder fall #i can't tag all the characters cause that's a lot #im in pain #so sad #and it only gets worse #yaaaaaayyy #long post

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #420

lol blaze it (i’m funny i swear)

In your opinion, which fast food place has the best fries? Without a doubt, Bojangle's. Good. Shit. Are there hurricanes where you live? Yeah, they're common here. What do you hate the most about yourself? I'd really rather not get into this right about now. What song are you listening to right now? "Beast of Gévaudan" by Powerwolf. What was your first concert? Alice Cooper. Also my only concert. What’s your favorite Johnny Depp movie? Alice In Wonderland. Who did you last say “I love you” to? My sister. Do you like pumpkin pie? Anything pumpkin-flavored is a hell no from me. Do you know anyone named Austin? Knew, rather. Do you know anyone who is having a baby? My friend recently announced she and her husband are having their second child in December. What was the last thing you cried about? Just PTSD. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? I like both, but I prefer chocolate. Do you think you are an argumentative person? Definitely not. How many deep dark secrets do you have? Two or so, idk. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings with one of the hottest sauces. Wanted to die. ... Yet I continued to get that one whenever I went for years lmao. Who last called you sexy? I don't know. Would you class yourself as a good role model? In some ways, but in a lot of other ways, no. Are you scared of the dark? No. Do you have a motto? No. Who did you last see on webcam? The doctor that overlooks my TMS progress. Do you need a haircut? I need a trim for sure. How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? Well, considering 1.) she's way past menopause and especially 2.) she's had a complete hysterectomy, y'know... that's kind of impossible. She also hasn't been with a guy in many years, so she would have to be joking. You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? -___- Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? ALONE. You will NOT see me exercise in front of other people. What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? The most involved is DEFINITELY World of Warcraft, and I guess you could consider it the hardest too, given some of the much more difficult things I've done in it. It itself isn't a hard game whatsoever, but you can pursue some really hard achievements. Ever watch the show Supernatural? If you have, then what’s your favorite episode? I used to love it, but just stopped watching eventually. My fave episode... Man, it's been too long to remember many. Probably one of the funnier ones. I remember I specifically liked the bit where they were in your everyday comedy show, as well as the one where I THINK Dean kept trying to prevent Sam from dying. I just remember the "Eye of the Tiger" bit that is pure gold. Ever heard of flavored honey? If so, what’s you’re favorite flavor? Oh, no, but that sounds good. Do you remember what your favorite show was when you were little? Yeah, Pokemon. Do you put anything besides cheese on grilled cheese sandwiches? Besides butter, which I think is pretty standard, no. When it comes to books, what do you think is the “perfect” amount of pages? Uh, I dunno. It depends on the book. I don't really care about page numbers. Would you ever be interested in going scuba diving? Yeah. Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? Girt, probably. Are any of your fingers or toes deformed? What about the nails? I don't think so? When is the last time you cried? I was sobbing earlier today, fun stuff. Would you ever date somebody that has been divorced more than once? Most likely not. ESPECIALLY at my age. What are some stereotypically nerdy things that you like? Oh god. WoW, M:tG, big glasses, anime (does that count? idk really), video games... a lot of stuff, really. Have you ever attended a wedding that ended where the bride and groom didn’t actually get married? What happened? Y I K E S, no. That would be SO uncomf. What scares you the most about becoming a mother (hypothetically, if you don’t want to have children)? Actually raising it properly, physically and emotionally. Would you ever want a job in fashion? What would you enjoy about that type of job? No. Would you ever be a surrogate mother? No. What do you think would be the best and worst parts about being a twin? It'd be cool to have someone you feel an almost supernatural connection towards, but I'd also feel like I wasn't as "original" as I would be if I was born alone. Do you feel that your childhood was more rough compared to others around you? I mean it wasn't awful at all, but sure, in some ways compared to at least someone. How would you react if you found out today that you were actually adopted? Well today I'm a wreck, so don't tell me. I want to know that I wasn't lied to for 25 years. Have either of your parents ever cheated on one another before, that you know of? How would you react if you found out today that one of them cheated? I'm not entirely clear on this, but I'm 90% sure Dad cheated on Mom with his now-wife. Dad also accused Mom of cheating, but I HIGHLY doubt that's true. Do you like cleaning and organizing? Not really. How would you react if you found out you were infertile? If you don’t plan on having kids to begin with, what is a long-term goal you’d be crushed to find out was impossible to achieve? Fuck having kids. I'd be a terrible mother. So to answer the other question, I'll be pretty, pretty sad if I can't get permission to spread Teddy's ashes at Yellowstone. Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? Well, obviously not considering my dream job is a meerkat biologist, and I'm not moving to Africa. Have you ever been robbed? No. Is anyone close to you an alcoholic? Not anymore. Dad was, but he's recovered. Have you ever dumped anyone? Yes. What kind of tea do you drink? I hate tea. Do you know anyone in a gang? No, and I hope I never do. What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? Risk his fucking sanity and health to try to hold my fucked up self up. What is your orientation? Gay? Straight? Metrosexual? Anything other? Bisexual. I've kinda been questioning pansexual of the late, though. I don't know. Have you ever done anything really dangerous or illegal with friends? Not to my memory. Name three feelings you’re feeling right now: Regret. Hopelessness. Loneliness. And the reasons for these feelings? Take a wild fuckin' guess. How do you feel about your life right now? It's an actual dumpster fire. Is it easy for you to like yourself? Why or why not? Fuck no. Because there's just not very much TO like about me. Even on my good days, I see flaw after flaw in myself. What subjects come naturally to you? English, some aspects of science. What subjects do not? Math, economics, politics, history... Do you read more fiction or more non-fiction books? Definitely fiction. When I read a book, I want an escape from the real world. How has today been for you? BOY HOWDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What did you do? Went to TMS therapy. Sat on the Internet. Cried. :^) Are there any candles lit in the room you’re in? No. Are there any lava lamps near you? No. I want one, though. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats. Are any of your friends a pothead? Yes. What’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish soon? Start losing weight again. That'd be pretty goddamn grand. Are you a high maintenance person? Definitely not. The last time you yelled as loud as you could, what was the reason? I was having a nightmare. Have you ever been heartbroken? For sure. Who did that to you? First Dad, then Jason. Did you go through an ugly stage as a kid? Boy, did I. The last type of sandwich you made or ate: A pb&j. The last time you spent most of the day in bed: Literally every day. I do just about everything in bed. Pathetic, I know. The last friend or acquaintance you made: Ummmm idk. The last thing you took pictures of: A hydrangea bush. The last time you were scared: Now. The future is terrifying, my friend. The last thing you looked up online: The definition of a word to ensure I was using it correctly. The last thing you disagreed with: So I've been watching John Wolfe's old stream of him playing Alice: Madness Returns, and he went on a total soapbox about smoking being okay essentially because we're all gonna die eventually from something, and I really disagreed with it. Does your house have a separate laundry room? No, just like a closet. Do your parents still help you financially? I'm still entirely dependent on them. Does your car have a backup camera? No. Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever had a pet that lived to be really old for its breed/species? REALLY old, no. Teddy was definitely up there, but beagles have lived longer. What was the last strong scent you smelled? Lysol. Have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly? Christ, no. Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No. Have you ever been attracted to someone’s parent? Don't think so? Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever broken into someone’s house? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yes. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? I dunno. Have you ever taken a woodshop class? No. How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? Funny you ask, because as of today I decided to take a break from it for awhile. I've found it's nothing more than a breeding ground for envy and making me feel like a horribly incompetent adult. Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? I had one photography teacher in college that I was NOT a fan of. He was super, super hard on everyone, like to an unnecessary degree. We were students, not pros. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. Are your parents supportive of you? Somehow.

#survey #surveys #random questions

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engagedtobefree · 3 years

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I talked to Scott on the phone again last night, and now I'm worried. We talked for about 50 minutes and it was normal like our other phone conversations, except for a few things.

Scott told me I seemed kind of shy on Saturday, that I wasn't as talkative as I used to be. I can see what he meant; I had trouble making eye contact and I was really nervous. So I tell Scott I was just nervous and he said, "Oh, aight." I also wasn't flirty like I used to be, but only because I don't want to feed into any possible bad intentions. It's not how it was before when I felt more confidence about Scott's feelings toward me (though that certainly waxed and waned) and I was protected by being at work. Flirting now at my place could potentially lead somewhere.

Then I yawned, and I guess it sounded a little different cuz Scott asked me why I moaned. I tell him it was a yawn and then he said what sounded like, "idk, Dana." "What?" Then, to my surprise he responds with an, "Oh, Dana", making the "oh" sound moany. I instantly feel turned on. I almost respond with "are you the one moaning now?" but I stop myself and don't say anything back to him. I want to hear Scott's moans and sex noises, but I don't want to feed into this if all he is looking for is sex.

A few minutes later he mentions me in my "tight ass jeans and boots." I respond best I can, saying I do miss dressing up, and he says if he can make it over tomorrow (today, now) that maybe I could dress up for him. I tell him I can. Truthfully, most of my old jeans are too tight now since I gained weight and I haven't been able to lose anything yet. I have a pair I can probably wear though.

All of this makes me worried though. What if Scott really is just looking to have sex with me? What if that's all he wants? I can't tell because I notice things that could point to that or could point to him wanting something more. What if he doesn't only want sex and he just...can't help himself saying these things?

I'm terrified, not of Scott but of getting hurt. And if Scott were to hurt me in such a big way while I am pretty emotionally vulnerable and raw, idk how I'd handle it. I am still working on healing from past trauma with men and if another man were to hurt me right now, especially one I have my heart so invested in and am choosing to trust, idk what it would do to me.

I'm worried that I've waited all this time and hoped for a miracle just for Scott to come back only looking for one thing. This isn't what I waited for. I don't want to be called hot. Yeah, it's nice, but only sometimes; it just feels hollow hearing it over and over. I want Scott to also think I'm pretty. I want to date Scott. I've always wanted to date Scott. And while I want him in my bed, that's not how I want to start out. I know we already have an established relationship with each other, but I'd still like something more first.

Idk if I should bring it up to Scott if I see him tonight. Do I just come out and ask him what he wants and what his intentions are? I want to know, but at the same time I'm terrified of what the truth might be. What if he makes a move? That's going to be so hard for me because on one hand I'm going to really want it, and on the other hand it's not going to be how I want it. And if he makes a move, do I stop him and tell him I can't and tell him I don't want to get hurt, that I know we both are looking for different things? I can't just assume Scott only wants sex, but I need to protect myself. I'm also just at the tail end of my period, so I could always use that as an excuse, though he most likely won't care and I'd rather be honest than find an excuse.

I want to see Scott and I want him to come over, but now I'm also fearful of it. I will be away next weekend, so if I can't see him tonight I'm going to keep worrying about this for several more weeks. And that's just assuming I do get some sort of answer tonight. But how can I hide my nervousness? Normally, I can fake things fairly well when I want to, so unless someone really knows me and my energy, I could get away with faking being okay. I don't think that's gonna work with Scott though. He knows me and he can tell when something is off. It doesn't hurt to try, but I'm not confident at all that he won't be able to see right through it.

But then there's the other side of things.

I keep thinking about Scott saying, "Yeah, me too." when I said I want to consciously choose someone who I truly want to be with. Does Scott really want a relationship? How long has it been since he consciously made a decision to be with someone he wants? How long has it been since he followed his heart and went after what he wanted instead of what he thought was the right thing to do? Am I what he wants? When he stops to listen to his heart, does it tell him to make his way back to me? I have many questions about his response to me.

I also have doubts about my doubts. If Scott only wanted one thing then why would he talk on the phone with me every weekend and for long periods of time? Why compliment me in other ways and show his interest in what I have to say? Why open up to me about things when naturally he's very guarded? Why say that he missed me? Granted, that could all be a ploy to reel me in, but I don't think Scott is that deceptive, especially because he knows I'm into him so he wouldn't have to make all of these efforts. Also, why apologize for being a dick and hurting me, only to turn around and act that way and do it again? I mean, I have had men do that same thing to me on two different occasions, but I can't judge Scott by what other men have done. That wouldn't be fair. And Scott also asked me if I'm currently seeing someone or have a boyfriend. Why ask that if he just wants sex? Why should he care whether I cheat or not if I was with someone if he just wanted sex from me?

I also wonder why Scott was so surprised when he found out I haven't dated because of my feelings for him. Does he not think someone could have such strong feelings for him or that he's not worth waiting for? Does he really think I dated during the time we've known each other? Or maybe thought I did after he left?

I feel so lonely with all of these thoughts. I had my therapy session on Tuesday and I went over a few things, but since my conversation with Scott last night, more has come up. Who else can I go to? I wouldn't go to any close or casual friends with this, and if I told my best friends, I know they wouldn't be very happy that I even let Scott through my door. Even if I did ask for someone's advice, they can't tell me what the right thing to do would be. I am completely alone with this.

I hope this isn't a losing game. I want to be treated right, as it's been such a very, very long time since I have been, and even then, it didn't last forever. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

Also, the sun right now is inconjunt/quincunx my natal Saturn -__- like why did this have to happen right now, on the weekend?

Also, I follow YouTube and Instagram tarot accounts and they're always super accurate for me, but I figured I'll post one just this time on here since it's so related to this. I watched this video after I wrote all of the above stuff. I usually only choose one deck with the YouTube readings, but occasionally two decks will have equal energy, which occurred this time.

youtube

Group #2 - go with the flow and blend in to catch people in off-guard moments to see who they truly are. Observe them and listen more (as a Libra, I can very much get quiet and simply observe, which I have been doing with Scott). You are too tired to be in the spotlight and need time for privacy with your love life, not telling friends or family about it. You don't want to put yourself out there and invest in someone to realize this person was with you for the wrong reasons. You are not over-sharing at this time. You value yourself and don't want to get hurt, so you're guarding your heart. You're still open, but just getting to know someone. You know how far to go and when to protect yourself. You don't want to make the same mistakes like you did in the past. You want clarity and guidance. Someone may behave in a stupid manner and may try to play you, thinking they're smarter. However there is an opportunity with a dark male, whatever that means for you. This is more about energy than physical appearance, and could just be someone with a lot of masculine energy. You are highly desirable so this man wants to be closer to you. This person wants longevity with you, not a whirlwind affair. You need to let your wall down a little bit to let them know you're into them as they may question it and get insecure. Only do this when you're sure of who they are and their intentions. They are adventurous and spontaneous, and they may try to show off how cool they are. They may get clumsy and nervous though. You might have commitment-phobia and might want to run or self-sabotage. Avoid this. Someone will be offering genuine love and interest, so do not worry. Surround yourself with love and spend quality time with others in your life where you can let your guard down.

Group #3 - an earth sign (Scott is a Capricorn) is here as a romantic connection. It's only a matter of time before you connect and sparks fly and you know you're for one another (I'd like to stay sober now to really feel out his energy and the energy of our connection). They are very promising. Do not pre-judge this person and give them a fair chance. Don't jump to conclusions. Allow them the chance to prove they're trustworthy and worthy of being a part of your life in a romantic sense. Stick to making progress with other areas of your life. Someone you know is not dependable and sincere, so don't trust in confiding with someone else about this situation. They might be jealous (I can see this being my mom, as she gets very jealous whenever I am with other people). You may feel like something is lacking in your life, maybe caused by someone else. Someone may leave your life as this new person enters. You will be happy this person leaves. Be aware of any future problems, there will be signs from the universe. Zesty energy, emotion, and passion is coming. Your guides are trying to protect you from yourself. Don't let your anger take over or you'll be sorry. Try not to be triggered by others. You're being called to take yourself on a date and spend money on yourself. Remember to practice self-love. You can only feel fulfilled in your love life if you feel fulfilled in yourself first. Others may set their own expectations for your love life. Don't seek others approval. Remind yourself we are not separate from each other. We are all energy. Don't be judgmental just as you don't want to be judged. Your love life will be full of generosity and spending time together. Your dreams can become your reality, but you need to make the effort. (I feel like maybe I need to focus on my healing more often than I am). Put yourself out there. (ugh. Scary). Someone is feeling like it's time to let go of holding on too deeply and may not think you'll ever end up together. Could be someone you friend-zoned and they will finally give up on you and see you moving on. (I've friend-zoned quite a few people, so it's possible).

So yeah, I guess July has a lot of potential, and both readings were scary-accurate for how I'm currently feeling and perceiving things. So either Scott is out to deceive me or he has really good intentions. Guess I'll find out soon.

#scott #personal #ugh i'm so tired #my brain literally will not shut off #this morning when i woke up it immediately started back up again just thinking over everything before i even got out of bed

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brinesystem · 5 years

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list, tw

I saw this on someone else’s blog (im not saying names cause idk if its okay to share that info? it was public but still) and it uh

It looked like a good way to kinda, like, have a bit less doubt? or a way to remind myself of whats happening and why i think i have this? idk

Might be triggering so like probs scroll past or something

‘the moods’ existed before i knew about did/osdd

I used to describe them as “it feels like half me, but also half somebody else”

I argue and talk with my own thoughts

Sometimes I talk/argue /aloud/ with my own thoughts

I have to actively fight to /convince/ Fae to talk to people, else he wont. and even when he does, its not how i want it to sound

I cant remember most of my childhood

The /bad/ middle school was when i was either 9 or 10

I knew too much about sex when i was much too young (7, 8)

I get ages wrong (i was 6 in cali, not 8. why do i think it was 8?)

I had a dream about getting raped when I was in elementary school. I didnt fight back. I didnt feel anything at all

I used to hide under desks

I hated my therapist. Its now fear. I dont remember what it was back then

I forget memories I recall, and if I force them back, everything hurts, even if theyre not traumatic

I often forget that I used to forget bad things that happened to me.

Other sex dreams from elementary school

The csa I /do/ remember (freshman). Why did i seek that out. Why did it seem like a good plan

I used to forget conversations daily

I drew myself (sebastian, older brother, nicer) before I knew i was trans. I dont have many memories from before I came out/knew i was trans. (am i an alter?)

Used to daydream for hours due to nerves. Disocciating?

The bathroom incident (middle school. 9 - 10)

How old are you? “16″ i reply this randomly when i am 23. when i was 21. Even when I know I am not

The HS trauma that happened right

I don’t have triggers for my trauma, except sometimes i /do/

Hypersexual, but only /sometimes/

I’m an adult! Except sometimes when my body is much too big and I am much too tall and I only want to curl up and be left /alone/. Except when i am small and fragile and want to have stuffed animals around me and play animal crossing. Except then.

Opinions keep changing, but to set differing ones. (Fashion sense, humor, hobbies, aesthetics)

Scared of dad! Not scared of dad. Pity dad. Could kill dad. Scared of dad! Not s-

Handwriting/Art/Writing style changes a lot (fluctuates between set stops)

Randomly gains accents and loses them. Only happens with two accents even though I know many

Stims change depending on Mood

Cant recognize myself in the mirror, but ideal keeps changing in set patterns (soft lumberjack, fae prince, cutesy, fashionable andro, suited devil)

Fave colors, songs, movies change in set patterns

Numb sensations to VERY INTENSE sensations. Cannot predict

Edible food changes depending on mood, even including safe foods (mac n cheese vs mussels vs ramen, etc)

What is this emotion? idk

Who am i? idk

I know I was bullied. Don’t remember why I know

Trying to think about my childhood makes me panic or get a headache

Super depressed after mental break ; Suddenly snapped out of it emotionally

That one time I slept for 3 days straight

Posture and walk cycle keeps changing

Gets songs stuck in my head that I’m not thinking about

Gets songs stuck in my head that i can’t even hear

Remembers things with no context given (the movie. “which movie” i dont know. “what was it about? who was in it? what was the title? what did it look like?” i dont know)

Bad sense of time, but like, days/hours can = months/years

“so mature for my age”

The Moods can be triggered into appearing, but not always by things I relate to them (ie; Kos and Fae)

Personality test results keep changing. All of them

False memories (the cliff, talking to the old woman about marriage, who knows what else)

Caught off guard by my own thoughts and even words I say (”sehb is gonna be mad at me for this, lol” “ACRRRRRYLICS”)

Most of my childhood memories are actually photos or stories ive heard

That dissociative test where I scored in the middle, but closer to DID than OSDD

Opinion on myself and my own looks varies

Opinion on my past varies

I dont recognize my own voice sometimes (is it changing? or is it my perception?)

Numb regarding pain, but then hypersensitive to it later

Numb regarding loss, skips straight to acceptance

Cant shiver normally, but sometimes can even when its not cold

Cant feel hunger normally, but sometimes can?

Favorite season and holidays change (summer, beach! autumn, cool air! halloween! no, valentines day!)

I dont feel connected to my family except my mum and maybe my youngest sister. These were /choices/ I made

Empathy? Dont know her. Except when I randomly start crying when others are sad, which always comes at different times but similar Moods

Cares about appearance one day, couldnt care less the next

Fave jacket: Green denim! Nope, today fave jacket: Grey hoodie! Nope, today f-

Headaches. So many headaches

More headaches when dealing with trauma

I doubt myself and worry I’m lying. Liars wouldnt do that, right?

Known to dissociate

Forget things mid sentence

Used ‘we’ when talking about myself at random before considering OSDD

Cant dream, except when I can and they dont feel like /mine/

Used to speak aloud with myself practicing words. Was I alone? idk

Loves animals. One of the Moods doesnt care at all about animals, even Wander

Loves video games. One of the moods detests video games

Loves horror games. Randomly feels intense fear from horror games

I know i was bullied, i know dad didnt come home on xmas, i know i moved a lot, i know i was in dc during 9/11, the ocean incident, the doctor incidents, I vaguely recall M(on base friend with older brother) and how she treated me (broke my glasses), i know i had a horrible time during that one year of middle school even though I only remember Two Moments (bathrooms, trailer) but I don’t necessarily have the memories of all of the things I know I dealt with

Memories are like snapshots or still moments, and dont continue

Memories I know effected me emotionally, I feel detached from now, except when i’m randomly Not (the koi, the caterpillar, not punching dad, etc)

Didn’t have friends until second year of middle school, those friends were bad, so were the hs friends

Ignored most things that happened but would randomly become enraged at smaller things that happened to me

The time on base I thought all adults driving by were pedophiles (i was 7. 8. why did i think that. why did i want to goad them? what was wrong with me??)

Keep forgetting memories like 81, but when I remember them theyre hard to get out of my head

“you acted so differently as a kid, what happened”

The Tics in response to stress

Was good at the doctors and then suddenly wasnt at all. Now am afraid

Was fine with bugs and then suddenly wasnt. Now am afraid

The fact that I dont remember typing ‘at all’ on 85

Lost old friend. Didnt mourn, still get a queasy feeling when I think about her/am reminded of her, but not upset or sad usually

Can connect most of the Moods to triggers, traumas, or coping methods, including myself

Reaction to trauma changed literally overnight

Used to love being tickled, now makes me panic (fight/flight)

Can feel when the Moods take something they see into themselves (was told this is normal. i am not faking this, at the very least)

I dont like lying. Fae doesnt/cant lie. Luci /enjoys/ lying.

Used to think solely in images. Now think solely in words.

Can sometimes hear thoughts before i think them, but only my own

Randomly gets worse coordination in turns with moods, and then gains it back after

Too trusting, but then gets in a mood and doubts even my closest friends

People keep telling me what im describing sounds like osdd, even friends who have met some of the Moods

I have an easier time remembering some things when I’m in different Moods

Used to have more amnesia before I started recognizing the Moods (was that me switching out?)

#osdd #osdd1 #Moods

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imnotcameraready · 5 years

Text

chivalry is dead (5)

A/N: idk what to write here for this chapter, to be Fuckin Honest — this didn’t feel like a lot to write, and then i checked my wordcount and was like “woah! that’s the longest chapter” and i didn’t wanna cut it so here’s A Lot!!

WARNINGS: sympathetic deceit, threats, minor character death, knives, swords, descriptions of blood, blood, cursing, panic, chaos, Getting Lost in the woods, crowds, arguing, a chase, mentions of a bear, loneliness, — if i’ve forgotten any, please let me know!!!

Words: 5465

Pairings: nothing yet!!! slight hints of the good Royality™ and some Soft Loceit™ and some i guess hard-stop platonic Anxciet — DLAMP is still endgame but i told y’all this would be a fuckin slow burn

Part 1 (chivalry is dead) — Part 2 (i’m wishing) — Part 3 (the bells of notre dame) — Part 4 (honor to us all) — Part 5 (i’ve got no strings)

AO3 link!

@starlightvirgil @forrestwyrm @daflangstlairde @marshmallow-the-panda @askthesnake @k9cat

enjoy!! <3 <3

“I’ve got no strings, so I have fun….I’m not tied up to anyone….They’ve got strings but—”

“Would you shut up already? Of all the songs for you to be singing, too. Singing won’t get rid of me.”

“I can dream, can’t I?”

“Ppft. I don’t know, Dickhead in Distress, can you?”

“What’re you doing here, Dragon Bitch. Go kiss a mirror.”

“Just paying you a little visit. Excited to see you so vulnerable. Once I find the others, I’m gonna take a lot of pleasure in cutting your head off in front of them. Maybe we’ll even get a crowd.”

“I hope you never find them.”

“Then I’ll just kill you alone. Or maybe I’ll guillotine you! Oh, I’ll set up the most beautiful blade — cold steel, perfectly manicured and sharpened. Maybe that’ll actually draw them out of hiding, rolling your head along the main road, watching the blood paint the cobblestone red.”

“That’d….that’d hurt Thomas. Holy shit. You’re insane.”

“And you sicken me, what’s your point? You know I wouldn’t do that. Not with all your little lover boys in town.”

“What?”

“Didn’t you feel it? They finally checked in on us. Nerd Declassified Creativity Survival Guide let them in. It’ll be the coup of a century. And, if I find them....”

“Don’t hurt them.”

“They’ve got strings—”

“—No, no come back here. Don’t!—”

“—but you can see—”

“—Please, you can’t—”

“—there are no strings on me!”

As Anxiety, Virgil has a running mental list of all the things Thomas perceived as dangers. Ergo, these were things Virgil didn’t want happening to him. He doesn’t like not knowing what’s at the bottom of the ocean. A drink left unattended at party was a potential danger. He doesn’t like being caught in a lie and doesn’t like having to be out socializing for unexpectedly extended periods of time.

Waking up in on the ground in a forest was pretty high on that list. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was the blue sky, dotted with small clouds, through an opening of tree branches.

He sat up, blinking his eyes more and trying to take in their surroundings. Dirt and leaves were stuck to his hair and the cloak he’d wrapped himself in. To his left was Patton, laying face down in a pile of leaves, and to his right was Deceit and Logan similarly splayed on the ground.

Immediately Virgil thought the worst, but his worries alleviated when Deceit groaned, and Logan’s arms pinched in to push himself up. Patton sat upright as well, arms stretching around himself.

“Well,” Patton hummed, “We’re not in Kansas anymore.”

The forest around them was thick, tall trees in every direction and stretching as far as they could see. They seemed to have landed in a small clearing, on a patch of grass and leaves and flowers, but still very much in the middle of the forest.

“Here I thought the Playwright’d be helping us,” Deceit said, picking the leaves off of his coat, “This is ridiculous. We’re in a forest.”

“This isn’t good. Oh my God, this isn’t good — Logan, what do we know about edible berries?” Virgil asked, turning around in a few circles.

Logan looked around, mouth open as he assessed the situation. Then, he patted the inside of his coat, mumbling to himself.

After standing up, Patton went to grab Virgil’s shoulders, stopping his spinning. “Don’t look around too much, kiddo, you’re gonna make yourself dizzy. And–And it’s okay! We’re in the Imagination now, and we’re gonna find Roman.”

“How’re we supposed to find Roman when I can’t even find the treeline?!” Virgil asked, grabbing Patton’s arms back, “And we just FELL. From the SKY.”

“Yeah, well….that can happen! It’s the Imagination, it’s okay. Besides, we survived! Roman wouldn’t let the Imagination hurt us,” Patton pulled him a little closer, patting his arm twice.

Virgil grabbed Patton’s hand and yanked him closer to his chest, causing the moral side to let out a small “Woop!” and open his arms as well. There had to be a number of panic attacks in one day that the anxious side could take, some sort of pain threshold, and he was certainly on his way to reaching it. Deceit watched them hug for only a few seconds before turning around and looking for Logan. And, by proxy, the book.

If the Playwright handed them a book saying that it’d help, calling it “deus ex machina,” then it likely had some sort of answer. Right?

It seemed Logan himself had the same thought, because he was sitting on the small stump, pressing his finger to it. Deceit approached and sat besides him. Logan had opened to a new page, one not indicated to earlier by the Table of Contents. “Imaginary Map” was the clever name, and the map itself stretched both pages. It didn’t indicate where they were, but there was a forest, a mountain range, and a lake, all forming a jagged triangle around what looked like a town. A small river ran through the town, between the mountains and lake. There was a compass in the bottom left corner as well, cardinal directions written in the Playwright’s neat but floppy handwriting.

“It’s a safe assumption that we’re somewhere here,” Logan circled the forest area, “But I cannot tell where the sun is.”

“If it follows a pattern. Roman’s been known to keep it on daytime for much longer than just one day,” Deceit said.

Logan shrugged. His foot was tapping on the ground, rubbing the corner of the page between his fingers. There were a lot of questions he had and a lot of feelings he didn’t understand. Why had Roman done this? It was excessive, to break oneself into pieces like he had allegedly done.

And he hadn’t ruled out the possibility that Roman had just dressed up different, was putting them through this story for god knows what reason. That Roman was upset about something or other, and thus had set up a narrative that held the other Sides at fault, with him sitting in his room safe and sound. Did Logan find that easier to explain? Perhaps. Did he want that? He was merely thinking of all the potentially logical explanations for Roman’s behavior.

He blinked when Deceit put a hand on his. “You’re gonna tear the page,” he said, voice quiet.

Slowly, Logan nodded, though he didn’t remove his hand from Deceit’s. The comfort was welcome at this time. “Thank you.”

They both examined the map, opening the book further when Patton and Virgil approached to see, the later having calmed down.

Virgil immediately pointed to a small gap between the tree drawings, then pointed to biggest tree drawing in the forest — it looked like the other trees, just slightly bigger. “I think we’re in this gap thing. And we gotta head to that tree,” he stood up straight, cupping his hands around his eyes and looking at the sky.

Logan glanced at him, then back at the map. “What makes you say that?”

“Big tree. First checkpoint, like in a video game,” Virgil said, jerking a thumb back toward the clearing’s center, “Wanna stare at the sun with me?”

Deceit carefully took the book from Logan’s hands, and Patton slid into Logan’s seat as he vacated it. He went to stand besides Virgil, lifting his glasses to the top of his head and watching the sun as well. Well, they weren’t staring straight at the sun, because that was dangerous. More like they were trying to figure out where it was in the sky through the thick tree coverage. Either way, it looked like they knew what they were doing, so he looked away. Patton hoped they knew what they were doing.

“Patton,” Patton glanced up from where he was fiddling with his shirt’s drawstrings, “You’ve been quiet.”

Deceit was watching him with a raised eyebrow beneath the bycocket hat that had replaced the bowler. Though, his hair was falling out of place beneath it. Patton leaned forward as he answered. “Oh, you know. Just worried’s all.”

Deceit stiffened when Patton cupped his cheek and slid the hair back into the hat, but he just kept talking. “I mean. It feels bad. Roman didn’t even tell us how he’d been feeling. And does that mean he’s been doubting himself this whole time? He thinks we don’t like him, and I know for a fact that that’s wrong.”

Patton sat back, crossed his legs, and nodded to himself. “We love Roman. I,” he trailed off, and then chuckled quietly, “I know I love Roman, a lot. We–We’re best friends!”

“And yet, he didn’t disclose his feelings.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what hurts about this all. But that just means we have to make sure he knows we love him! We’ve just gotta sure he knows so well that he doesn’t question it anymore!”

Deceit raised an eyebrow at Patton’s explicit and tunnel-visioned optimism. Judging by the shine in the moral side’s eyes, though, there was nothing Deceit could say to convince him otherwise.

Ah, curse them all and their stubborness. Deceit would have to find a good time to address that with Patton, to be honest. It always hurt, a little, when he caught Patton beating himself up over failing to emotionally connect with the other Sides. Nothing that a cuddle and some cookies wouldn’t stave off, but Deceit was….well, this whole endeavor with Roman was showing him that he couldn’t keep “staving off” the other Sides’ problems.

He shook his head, clearing it, and both him and Patton looked up to the sound of crunching leaves as Logan and Virgil made their way closer.

“East, right?” Virgil stuffed his hands into his pockets, pulling his thick cloak tighter around himself as he did so.

“Very much so. At least that will give us nearly a full day to find the forest’s edge. From there, we will be able to discern the distances between objects,” Logan said.

“It better not be too far. I don’t wanna be spending the night in the woods.”

“Well, sleeping in a forest is not ideal, though I have enough of an idea on how to arrange a lean-to that we may be able to survive one night.”

Virgil tutted, shaking his head. “What if some animals find us? Like a really big bear or something?”

Logan paused and, for a second, Virgil was worried that he’d respond with some statistic about what kinds of bears live in forests with trees like this. What Logan said, though, was “We’ll throw Deceit at the bear and run,” just as they stopped in front of Patton and Deceit.

Virgil and Patton both snorted at the offended gasp Deceit gave. “How dare!”

“Awh, Deceit, don’t worry! Logan’s just joking,” Logan opened his mouth to clarify that, yes, he was posing a hypothetical suggestion to alleviate Virgil’s worries, “We just couldn’t bear that!”

Logan rolled his eyes, pointedly ignoring Patton’s grin. Well, alright then. He clapped, drawing attention back to himself. “Okay. The sun is still rising, in that direction,” he pointed with one arm, “And, compared to the map, Virgil’s supposed first checkpoint is in that direction,” he shifted his arm.

“Although we don’t know distances comparatively to this map, I can only assume that if we walk continuously in that direction, we will soon find the large tree. That will also help us figure out the comparative distances on the map.”

After a round of agreements, the four Sides gathered themselves and began their trek, Logan leading the way with the book’s map open in front of himself. Some woodland creatures were about. Patton pointed out a squirrel, two squirrels, a bird (a swallow, according to Logan) and they’d even seen a deer in the distance.

There were still some loose ends to tie before this supposed quest, Deceit thought. He slowed his walk so he was in line with Virgil, who was bringing up the rear.

“Sssso.”

Virgil glanced at him from the corner of his eye, quick, before starring forward again. “What?”

“Truce,” Deceit was watching Virgil, lips pinched in thought.

Virgil stopped, as did Deceit. He turned to fully face him, brow pinched tight and mouth open in a small O. It looked like he was trying to weigh his options, or, Deceit considered, weigh a new insult.

“We have had our differences, Virgil. And I cannot say that I fully trust you either. But I think, for right now, we….should work together. I plan on working with you,” Deceit’s eyes narrowed when Virgil’s scowl deepened. “For Roman’s sake. At least.”

Virgil kept glaring at him. Deceit wasn’t sure if Logan and Patton had stopped walking, he wasn’t keen on taking his eyes off of Virgil. Since their steady falling out, he’d regarded Virgil as more of a live wire than anything else. He was a leading factor in stifling Thomas’ interactivity, after all, and that was detrimental to Thomas’ development as a human being. They very much had their historic differences. But, given Virgil’s display of protection in the Mind Palace….while Deceit wasn’t a fan of being immediately attacked, he understood the reasoning behind the decision. Fight or flight.

They held their stare-off for only a moment longer, until Virgil blinked, looking away towards the other two Sides. “You’re right. For Roman’s sake,” he added the last part softer, regret laced through his voice.

That was good enough, Deceit supposed. He started after Logan and Patton — they hadn’t stopped, and were two blue dots in the distance — when Virgil called after him. “Hey, Deceit?”

“Yes,” he looked at Virgil, who was tugging at his cloak’s sleeves, jaw set.

“I’m sorry. For attacking you earlier,” he said, quiet and strained.

Deceit’s eyebrow raised. That was unexpected, Virgil apologizing for a reaction. “It was understandable. I entered where I shouldn’t have, without forewarning. And you were already tightly wound from Roman’s extended disappearance.”

“Maybe it was valid, yeah, but still,” Virgil followed after him, steps slow and eyes trained not on Deceit’s face but his chin. “‘M sorry.”

Virgil felt a hand brush his and looked down to see Deceit holding his hand out, open for Virgil. “It’s okay, Virgil,” the other’s voice was so soft now, “Just some steps backward, and more steps forward to come.”

There were about a million things Virgil thought to say. Something about how that was just mumbo jumbo, something about hanging out with Patton too much, something else about how untrue that could be.

But something about the way Deceit’s hand was shaking, the way his snake eye twitched, like he was fighting an impulse, drove home that he honestly believed it. And, for Virgil, that was all he needed to take his hand and keep walking.

They’d been walking for maybe fifteen minutes total before coming across another clearing, this one much wider, with a thick oak tree in the center. Was it oak? The bark was reminiscent of an oak, but the tree itself was so big that it seemed more like a redwood.

Patton began walking around the tree, looking it over, while Virgil and Deceit followed behind Logan. He was the first to approach, drawing his hand down the bark as though feeling every etching.

“Well. This is your checkpoint,” Logan said.

“I don’t see how it’s so significant that it had to be marked on a map,” Deceit said, tilting his head upward, squinting into the light to see how tall the tree was.

“Just a hunch. I don’t really, either, other than….it’s big.”

“Maybe it’s just a big tree? Does Roman usually just make things like this?”

“I don’t know. I try not to interact with Roman’s creative process, especially his pet projects, similar to how he does not interact with mine,” Logan looked around, “We should walk the perimeter. There may be something different.”

Deceit and Virgil both nodded, and then turned in opposite directions. Logan followed after Virgil, one hand touching the tree still, and they found Patton first.

The moral side was on his tip-toes, examining something on the tree’s trunk. “What’d you find, Pat?” Virgil’s voice surprised Patton enough that he stumbled back a little.

“Ah, sorry!” Virgil checked on him, but Patton waved him off.

“It’s okay! I just got a little spooked — that’s a door.” Logan and Virgil looked at where Patton’d been inspecting.

Sure enough, there was a light circled outlined on the bark in black chalk. Logan moved closer immediately, taking a knee to inspect. There was a door-sized circle drawn on the bark, as well as a fully-blacked out circle where one would expect a handle, and a small keyhole drawn in just beneath.

In the center of the door was Roman’s crest, also drawn in with black chalk. Written beneath the crest was “A place for solitude.”

Logan squinted at the words, mouthing them quietly. He ran a thumb over the words and, finding them unchanged, rubbed a little harder. None of the chalk was coming off. Curious.

One could expect Roman to have magic in his world, given the present fantasy elements. This seemed to Logan like it could be the first indication of magic.

“What do you think that means?” Logan turned around, finding Deceit, Virgil, and Patton all standing behind him.

Logan looked back at the door and stood up slowly. “....I’m not sure. I don’t know how this world works, so trying to predict what it might mean could lead to the wrong assumptions, but it feels like something outside of reality.”

Patton nodded, and rubbed his own arms. They were lonely words indeed, and while it was a tree trunk, Patton was sure it led to something else. “Do you mean like magic?”

“It looks like we’re not getting in, if this is even a door,” Deceit stepped back as he spoke, “I don’t know how we’d even try to open it. We should try to find the road to town.”

“But this door’s got Roman’s crest on it. Another Roman’s probably in there,” Virgil said.

“There’s no way for us to get in, and it’s unconfirmed that this even a doorway. Plus, if it is another Roman, he probably heard us by now. He might not want to see us.”

“How would he have heard us?”

Deceit pointed up to a few feet above the door’s drawing. There was a circular window, seemingly without any glass.

“Hey L, has the map updated or anything?” Virgil asked, still looking at the window.

Logan frowned, pulling the book from his jacket. He flicked open the Table of Contents with emphasis, but stopped and spread out the page. There was a new section that had been scratched out, beneath “The Playwright,” and Logan couldn’t make out the words. Hm.

He opened the Imaginary Map, at the back of the book. The tree that they were at had been colored in with a dark brown trunk and bright green leaves, and had been labeled.

“The Playwright has named this tree ‘The Thief’s Nest,’” Logan said as he scanned the page, “Beyond that, nothing has changed.”

“Alrighty, so the Thief lives here! We’ll have to check back when he’s home and maybe he’ll let us in?” Patton nudged Logan, gesturing for him to follow.

“I find it unlikely that someone who describes their home as ‘a location for solitude’ would allow us entrance,” Logan stood up, looking at the Book again, “But I suppose we don’t have any other option. We should start in that direction.”

Patton nodded, a smile on his face. “Maybe we’ll be able to steal him away from his loneliness!”

His pun was met with an angry huff.

“Wow, it looks like Patton stole the air from your lungs,” Deceit quipped, “And here I thought thievery was wrong.”

He and Virgil had already started in the direction Logan had pointed to, a few steps away from them. Logan groaned at the pun, walking past Patton and ignoring Virgil’s snickering as he continued to lead their way out of the forest.

Finding the edge of the forest was simple — the map had shown that the distance between the Thief’s tree and the clearing that they’d landed in was actually shorter than the distance from the tree to the forest’s edge, confirming that the distances on the map were precise, to a comparative extent.

Once they got through the treeline, Virgil pointed out the road, only a short distance away, and they were soon on the path. On the horizon was a large castle, looking nearly as tall as the mountains behind it. The Sides could make out some buildings below it, sprawling and larger as they grew closer. This must be the town on the map. It was surrounded by a wall but there was a gate on their path, its doors open.

There was probably no harm in entering an unguarded door, Deceit had reasoned. They went in.

The town was certainly bustling, more people walking around as they walked along the road. Windows were open, store-fronts had crowds standing before them. Upon first entering, there were only one or two shop stalls between the streets, the more they walked but the deeper they got, the more stalls and stores there were; there were more people scattered around, talking in hushed voices or mulling around doorways. The buildings grew taller, too, the closer to the castle they got. Still semi-in the distance though much closer now was the castle, a towering figure with light-grey walls and red

The group held each others’ clothing ends as they slowly pushed into a large market-place area, such like a town square. Virgil was looking around, arms tucked in close and body pressing even closer to Logan as the crowd densified around them. Someone in the crowd caught his eye, though, and he squinted.

Slowly, he pointed his hand out in front of Logan and Patton. “Isn’t that the Dominos delivery guy?”

“Maybe — hey, that kinda reminds me of that one thing we saw on Tumblr, about how every face we see in a dream’s a face we’ve seen in real life,” Patton tapped his lip thoughtfully.

Virgil saw the gleam of getting to explain something in Logan’s eyes. As soon as Patton said “that one thing,” he frantically signaled from Logan’s left, waving his hand across his neck to call ‘cut.’ But the deed was done.

“Actually, that would imply that the human mind is unable to create new faces, but that hasn’t been proven in a way that can be measured. According to a media article published by Stanford University’s Neuroscience Department, there are many ways that the human dreamlike state’s facial recognition cannot be calculated in an adequate way, including that such a test would involve precise knowledge of every face that a person has seen throughout their lifetime, including passing strangers. Though it’s heavily implied, due to how humans use REM sleep to store memories—”

“Hang on, hang on,” Deceit waved a hand at them, drawing immediate silence, “Listen.”

They both stopped, Virgil flicking his hood off so he could better hear. Patton was already looking around, trying to find where it was coming from.

“A dream is a wish your heart makes”

“Yep, that’s him,” Virgil murmured.

Patton pointed to the left and Deceit nodded. “Let’s go,” Deceit said, before Patton grabbed his arm and tugged him down the road.

They both immediately picked up a brisk fast-walk, jogging after the music, with Logan and Virgil right on their heels.

“When you’re fast asleep~”

“Is this going to be a trend, do you think? Following music?” Logan huffed quietly, “It seems to be a motif.”

“Motif?” Virgil asked.

“Yes. Given how the Playwright was discussing this whole scenario, it seems that some literary devices will be used to aid us in finding Roman. The use of music, specifically Disney music , may be a way to lead us, the protagonists, towards the next plot point.”

“In dreams you lose your heartaches~”

Virgil pursed his lips. “You know, I don’t know if we get to be meta here.”

“Why wouldn’t we? We’ve done so in multiple episodes, for comedic relief,” Logan said. Patton and Deceit rounded around a corner, and there seemed to be a soft ukulele accompaniment to the singing.

“Well,” Virgil said, as he and Logan jogged after them, “I don’t know if we’re allowed to break the fourth wall in fan—”

Deceit and Patton had stopped just around the corner, and Virgil slammed into Patton’s back, making him stumble forward a few steps. Logan stopped himself, tripping on his feet but being caught by Deceit and held steady.

“Oh, shoot, sorry,” Patton helped Virgil upright, “We just found him.”

“Whatever you wish for, you keep~”

There was a small crowd, only about twenty people, gathered around a set of five barrels. And Roman.

Well. One of the Romans, they all reminded themselves, because this certainly wasn’t their prince. He was wearing a loose white tunic shirt and a red vest trimmed with gold, all of which was tucked into a bright red waist-sash. Beneath the sash was a pair of puffy pants tucked into knee-high black boots with golden heels. His hair was messy, swept up and blowing around in nonexistent wind.

“Didn’t the Playwright say something about every Roman having part of his crest?” Patton asked, tilting his head.

“He said that the book’s cover would update with parts of his crest as we talked to more of the Romans, not that they each would be adorned with the crest,” Logan looked at the book’s cover, then flipped it open to the Table of Contents.

“Have faith in your dreams, and someday~” the Roman’s voice rang clear as day over the hushed crowd, even over the bustling sounds of people walking past.

A new section appeared, a sub-section of “The Playwright” called “Authors Notes.” That definitely hadn’t been there prior. Logan squinted and began flipping to it, but was interrupted by Virgil nudging him and pointing.

“He is wearing the crest, I think. Look at his pants.”

The Roman’s pants had a jagged designs on them, red pants with golden stitching in a zig-zag and with small gold circles around it. “Doesn’t it look like his crest’s mountains and swirly whatever’s?”

….He supposed Virgil had a point.

The Roman stood up on the barrel and struck a pose while strumming on the ukulele. He was watching someone in the crowd, smile broad as the sky.

Then, he hopped from one barrel to another, making a pose as he did so. “Your rainbow will come shining through~” he spun on the barrel on the word “rainbow,” and Virgil stiffened.

“He has good balance and coordination,” Logan placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder, rubbing gently, “He didn’t fall off the ladder, and he’s will not fall off the barrels.”

“....What if you’re wrong,” Virgil hissed.

Logan raised his eyebrow at Virgil, as though daring him to repeat that sentiment. Virgil just rolled his eyes and glowered back at the Roman.

“So,” Patton turned around and whispered to the group, “We….probably have to talk to him.”

“No matter how your heart is grieving~”

“We definitely need to talk to him,” Deceit said, turning his head towards Patton, “But to do so we’re also gonna have to interrupt his performance.”

“Do you think we can just wait until he’s done?” Virgil tugged at his sleeves, watching the Roman do a twirl after another jump, one leg kicked into the air, “Maybe he’s got good coordination, but if we interrupt him, and he gets really shocked, and he falls over—”

“Then one of us can catch him. I do agree, though, that intervening is not the best course of action. It may upset this iteration of Roman.”

“Alright, then, how about we wait until the song’s over?”

“If you keep on believing~”

“It’s almost over, right?”

“I think this verse repeats?”

“How….how do you not know how this song goes? Isn’t this Princey’s ringtone?”

“I don’t know. I don’t typically retain the memory of lyrics, that is overseen by Roman, and I don’t listen to his ringtone. I just retain facts, schedules, and our internal clock, among my other duties.”

“And yet you’ve memorized the Rainforest Rap?”

“Let’s not hound Logan for his music tastes, Black Parade.”

“The dream that you wish will come true!”

All four of them were startled by the uproarious applause that broke out. They looked up to see the figure laughing, leaning forward from the front-most barrel to high five someone in the crowd. As he leaned in, he acted like he was listening to something, ukulele held high and away in the gesture. His movements were was comical and exaggerated, hand cupping his ear, legs in a bent splits over the barrel.

“....D’you think they all have names like, ‘the position-name’?” Virgil asked, watching the Roman lean back up, do a backflip onto another barrel,“Because I think this one’s a clown.”

“Perhaps he’s the performer,” Logan suggested.

“Oh! Maybe he’s the thespian!” Patton clapped.

“We just missed his mid-song break,” Deceit said, pinching the bridge of his nose as the Roman began strumming his ukulele again, “Oh my God, we missed his song break.”

Virgil nudged him with his elbow. “It’s not like he’s going—”

“STOP! THIEF!”

The four Sides, along with most of the civilians who’d been watching the performance, all turned around around. Behind them were some taller buildings, fluctuating between three and four floors of height. After craning their necks, trying to find the source of the yell, Virgil tapped Logan’s chest and pointed.

Four buildings down, running along the building’s rooftop, was a man. He had a large black cloak, covered with deep red patches, that billowed after him. That was all they could see from this distance.

Fortunately, they weren’t the only ones who had spotted the man on the roof.

“Hey, Aladdin!” the performing Roman shouted, cutting himself off by waving his ukulele into the air, “Stealing from the dragon’s hoard again?”

“Aw, shut up and get running, Sir Talks-a-lot!” came the reply.

The Roman laughed, loud and brash, but only Patton turned toward him. He saw the performing Roman jump off of the barrel he’d been standing on, into the crowd and disappearing from Patton’s sight.

“One jump! Ahead of the breadline!” he sang, strumming the ukulele once, harshly, before the crowd around him dissolved into shouting, running, and chaos, “One swing! Ahead of a sword!”

Patton looked back up at the running figure. The cloaked man jumped off of one of the roofs, pirouetting mid-jump and throwing something at the guards. Two of them dodged, but one was struck, falling over. Virgil flinched as he noticed the fallen guard had been hit with a throwing knife, the handle wrapped with a bright red fabric.

He tugged Deceit’s arm, hissing at the other two, “We’ve gotta follow him.”

“Do you think that’s another Roman,” Logan asked. He glanced at Virgil, who nodded before immediately running in the direction of the cloaked figure and guards.

Deceit opened his mouth, but was shoved to the side by another person in passing. “Hey, watch it!” he snapped, looking around to see who’d pushed him.

Laughter, childish laughter. He looked down to see a young boy with messy light brown hair and a black cloak. The boy turned to him, cupping his hands around his mouth.

“Sorry, mister Deceit! I’ve gotta run!” the golden brooch that pinned the child’s cloak together glistened in the light.

Logan and Deceit heard Patton’s breathing hitch when he saw it was the sun from Roman’s crest. Another one.

“You know, the Playwright implied it’d be hard to find them all,” Deceit mumbled.

A guard shouted, something indecipherable, but the child took is cue. He turned and kept running, away from them all.

“Wait,” Patton shoved Logan to the side and ran after the child, “He’s–He’s just a kid—!”

“God damnit,” Deceit hissed, pressing shoulders with Logan as they both turned in opposite directions.

They looked at each other, then the stage. The crowd had completely cleared now, chaotic as people ran away from the multiple groups of guards. The Roman they’d seen performing earlier was nowhere in sight, barrels kicked over, though….they could hear faint singing from beyond the wall.

“We should regroup later,” Deceit said, “Right here. Tomorrow morning, if need be.”

“After sunrise. You follow Virgil, I will follow Patton,” Logan responded.

He patted Deceit’s back and they pushed off of each other, taking off in their own respective directions.

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lesbeet · 5 years

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this might be a strange question but what goes into becoming a teacher? i've been thinking about becoming a teacher and i'm nervous even though it's something i really think i want to do and i'm curious as to how you go about becoming one like what courses/requirements do you need to take and how do you come up with a lesson plan and everything? and how did you know teaching was something you wanted to do or realize it was something you would be good at?

hm well i can only tell you about my own experience, which i would say is probably pretty unorthodox, but it’s been working really well for me!

so i’ve been working on a masters in teaching for english/language arts grades 5-12 from western governors university, which is an (accredited) online program for aspiring teachers who need to be licensed as teachers in general as well as certified/endorsed in their particular subject areas. depending on what you want to teach, there are a couple of undergrad teaching degrees they offer (i believe it’s elementary ed, special ed, and a couple of different math and science programs), but to do like language arts or social studies etc, you’d need to have a bachelors degree to qualify -- though i also did my bachelors at wgu (in business management sdklfdjskdflsjd i hated it) so it doesnt need to be education-related or anything

if you wanna know more about my particular program let me know, bc it works fairly unusually but is a legitimate post-secondary educational institution and is also incredibly affordable, and idk what i’d be doing if i hadnt found out that it existed lmao

but so yeah idk what an education undergrad would consist of, but for my program in particular there were a lot of english content classes, obviously, like secondary disciplinary literacy, english pedagogy, secondary reading instruction and interventions, stuff like that

and then there were a lot of more generalized pedagogical courses, like educational assessment, foundational perspectives of education, classroom management, fundamentals of diversity and inclusion, principles of psychology: child and adolescent development, and stuff like that

again, this is just based on my own experience, but re: lesson plans, i actually just had some assignments for my courses where i had to write them and justify the thought process behind the decisions i made! like in my english pedagogy course, i had to write 3 essays (one for a literature-based lesson, one for a grammar-based lesson, and one for a writing-based lesson), and in each essay there was a section where i had to plan an entire lesson using their lesson plan format, and then explain and justify why i made each choice that i made.

i’m starting student-teaching next semester, as soon as we get back from winter break, and i assume i’ll get more practice with lesson-planning through that, but basically it kind of comes down to like...figuring out the standards your students are supposed to reach, then figuring out how you’re going to break them down into a curriculum, and then for each lesson you figure out what objectives/goals you want your students to reach by the end, and you figure out how to present the material and then assess in some way whether or not the students understand it. once you know what the purpose of a lesson plan is (whether re: the idea of lesson plans in general, or a specific lesson plan you’re working on), the rest is just figuring out how to achieve that purpose. and it comes with practice! and trial and error, and figuring out what works and doesnt work with your own teaching style and in your classroom, etc. ik that’s super vague but so much of it depends of the parameters you’re given—like while i’m student-teaching i won’t be picking the books we read, so i’ll already have that requirement figured out for me, yknow?

as for your last question, my mom has been teaching my whole life, and my dad started teaching when i was about 10. my aunt is also a teacher, and my other aunt is a speech-language pathologist, so. i grew up around teachers kfjsldkfjs

i’ve just always liked explaining things to people and helping them understand them! i think really what it comes down to is that i just have a lot of passion and a lot of things to say sldfksjdkflj like i really do believe that english/language arts in particular is applicable in all parts of life, because all people communicate. i can’t speak for like. calculus or biology or whatever, but 99.9999% of people will need to do some sort of reading, and some sort of writing and/or speaking and/or communication of some type or another, and for all of the “the curtains are just blue!!!” whiners out there, it’s crucial to know how to communicate with others, and to understand what others are attempting to communicate to you, and i can’t think of a single scenario in which that isn’t the case.

plus like, idk a single person who doesn’t like some form of story, whether through tv shows or movies or books or plays or podcasts or video games etc etc etc, and imo those can all be enhanced and made even better by having some sort of background knowledge of storytelling as an art, or as a process, or as an established medium with its own structures and intertextual lexicon etc! like the more i read about the art and history of storytelling, the more i enjoy movies and tv shows (which i already love and watch frequently), bc storytelling isn’t just a textual medium!

tbh part of the reason i think i’m good at explaining things is because i grew up in an emotionally abusive household, and i learned very early on how to anticipate the way another person (usually my dad lol) would interpret something i said to him, regardless of what i actually meant by it. so i subconsciously learned to apply that skill to other people, and now i’ve got sort of a knack for being able to cater my explanations to different people based on how i think they’ll best understand the information, and not just in a classroom setting—like i sometimes serve as a mediator/”interpreter” when my sister and my dad are having difficult conversations, because i know them both well enough, and the way they think well enough, that when one of them says something, i can usually understand both their intention AND how the other person is going to interpret it, and i can rephrase or explain things so miscommunication doesn’t end up making the problem worse

so in a classroom, i can explain things in several different ways, and if i’m working one-on-one with different kids i can usually figure out what isn’t clicking and can try another way to explain it. also bc my adhd brain processes information by making connections to other things i already know, i’m particularly good at coming up with (often unusual) metaphors or analogies for things, and people are like “oh wow ok that’s a weird way to explain it but i definitely get it now” and stuff

so basically i’ve learned bc of necessity how to communicate more effectively with others, and because i want everyone else to get the enjoyment out of language arts that i do, i’m drawn to teaching because i hope to help the students find at least some area of it that they’re interested in, and to show them that literature/storytelling/communication aren’t just about reading old boring books written by racist white dudes who hated women, but about learning to represent and interpret and take part in the human experience, because the foundation of any sort of society is communication, and that very basic desire to be understood by others

so even when i didnt actively Want To Be A Teacher it was always kinda in the back of my mind like “well if i dont find anything else i wanna do, i can always be an english teacher” bc most of my favorite teachers growing up were english teachers, and even at my absolute worst i did just fine in those classes, even when i hadnt read the books we were discussing (which was most of the time jsdklfsjd which is now kind of a problem for me as a teacher so i do think i shot myself in the foot there but oh well, i was 14)

anyway, as usual that got super long, but i hope it was helpful! lemme know if you have any other questions :)

#anonymous #answered

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cuddleslutloki · 6 years

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I have a genuine question. How often do you actually deal with antis? I've been following you for a bit now and it seems every so often you bring up antis. I've certainly kept my interest about thorki shut and locked away in a box from my friends for the simple fact that all of them think it's incest. It's not an easy topic of conversation but you just seem to handle all the antis so well? Also on an off note about beast!Thor, his favorite pass time must just be rutting into Loki 24/7 🤔

when someone tells you that you're romanticizing abuse [bc i made a stockholm moodboard for a fic] I don't know what I'm supposed to say other than I don't condone it but I write about it? Is writing about abusive relationships bad in writing??? you're the only person i ask for advice so thank you for anything in advance

i’m honestly really glad you came to me. i really do like discussing this topic in this kind of way bc i’ll never reblog an anti or answer an anti ask. even if you’re arguing against them, i don’t think it’s worth it to argue against them if it means also spreading what they’re saying

the basic premise of all anti behavior and ideology is censorship. that’s all it is.

“i don’t like this topic, you need to stop writing it and making art for it. if you don’t stop there will be consequences.”

that is censorship and that is the kind of shit fandom has had to fight ever since there’s been fandom. women, poc, lgbt+ folks have been dealing with people telling us what we can and can’t write and enjoy for... well, probably forever. but we’re still here, creating the kind of content we want to see and indulge in.

as far as how to deal with antis, my advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore. they want what any bully wants: attention

you stop paying attention, you stop giving them time they don’t deserve from you, they’ll die off. there’s no point in fighting them directly. produce the content you want to see and enjoy what you want to enjoy. drown them out. you don’t owe them a response just because they come to you. they don’t have any qualms about being rude to you, so be rude back and just ignore them. i love blocking antis, personally. take out the garbage, y’know?

antis use the words ship and support as synonyms because they think that shipping is some radical call to action for lgbt rep instead of entertainment

shipping is not activism. shipping is about entertainment and enjoyment, nothing more

so this is why i have this very blasé attitude about antis. i just don’t give a fuck about them beyond making posts trashing their idiocy. because that’s what it is. it’s idiocy, but going deeper it’s puritanism at its finest. antis use fox news scare tactic logic under the guise of some pseudo feminist agenda because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand that enjoying dark fiction as entertainment isn’t equivalent to some greater moral stance

they use the same argument about shipping and fanfiction that WASP moms use against video games and loud music: that enjoying and consuming it will make you think it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with it irl

okay, well, vlad the impaler never played CoD or far cry and caligula never watched hentai but we know why i’m bringing them up in this context without even heading over to wikipedia, don’t we?

they use the words abuse and pedophilia waaaaaayy too liberally and they’re doing more harm than good because they’re twisting and warping words that should have very specific meanings by using them so goddamn vaguely and irresponsibly

my own personal theory is that these people are terrified that if they don’t yell in opposition to these topics 24/7 and actively attack content creators that they’d probably enjoy it, and they’ve been so programmed by the echo chamber of tumblr and twitter that they think this means they’re bad people.

spoiler alert: that’s not what it means

i literally watched a circle jerk on twitter where screenshots of some mafia starker au got tweeted and retweeted w/ pictures of someone pouring bleach into cereal and people had asked to see more of the post. if you really don’t like something, you shouldn’t hate-read about it. it’s not productive, it does more harm than good if that’s the actual issue rather than some reverse psychology-style enjoyment they’re probably getting out of it.

they claim to hate this shit so much, but they’re reading hundreds and thousands of words and putting these images in their heads of their own free will. i don’t do that with shit i genuinely dislike. i avoid it.

i see antis say they enjoy thorki fanart because they think it’s cute, then they see it’s tagged thorki and they have an over the top reaction because the nature of anti ideology states you should never enjoy something like that, so if you do then you have to make the excuse of ignorance to prove that you’re still innocent and pure. enjoyment is apologism to them because they aren’t content to simply attack fan creators, they want to try and drive away the people who consume our art as well because they know you’re the cornerstone of fandom. consumers are why creators create. yeah, i write because i enjoy it, but i also write to connect to my readers and have people commenting on my fics when they like them.

it’s also worth noting that antis only ever talk about shipping. they only talk about sexual and romantic ships. i’ve never seen an anti talk about (often extreme) levels of violence in canon source material for the ships and characters they want to froth at the mouth over.

seeing someone bleed out and choking on their own blood after being stabbed or shot or bludgeoned? meh

seeing a character who was once a child have a sexual thought about a character who was also once a child and is also their close friend? omg why are we trying to make fandom unsafe for people?

personally, i’ve also noticed that fandoms with darker canon material tend to have more chill fandoms most of the time. i think it also depends on the average age in a given fandom. there’s a major difference between fannibals and steven universe fans, let’s just say that.

creating a moodboard for a dark fic is not “romanticizing abuse” and at this point antis honestly have no fucking idea what that phrase is. they use those words the way a bored CEO uses social media buzzwords and hashtags in a staff meeting

if antis want to see true romanticizing of abuse then they can go to serial killer thirst tags and spot the fucking differences between shippers and people who forget that ted bundy was weak, flaccid, cowardly piece of shit

writing something dark or violent or whatever else and condoning the act or doing the act are different. this is why stephen king isn’t under government surveillance or in prison.

make no mistake, this anti shit only applies to fandom. they’re attacking creators here because creators out at the professional levels don’t give a fuck. they’ve tried, and they’ve failed.

creators at the professional level understand something antis don’t: that being able to reconcile your enjoyment of dark media can be a sign of emotional intelligence and good emotional health. it’s cathartic. it’s allowed to be cathartic.

the most common consumers of dark fiction are members of minority communities and people who’ve been emotionally and/or sexually repressed for one reason or another.

antis want to say that fiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum and they are 100% correct! because writing fanfiction and original fiction that relates to parts of my life that nearly killed me gives me control over something that was beyond me in the original context. writing about fucked up codependent, violent romance allows me to process my shit in a way that’s healthy and produces something fun and enjoyable.

my therapist knows i ship thorki, she knows i write thorki. i’ve had her read pieces of fanfiction i’ve written in addition to pieces of original fiction. y’know what she said? “wow, baylen, that’s vivid. you have a way with words!”

i read her a line out of smart boy and told her what the story was about and this trained professional said “well it’s a productive way to process some emotion that you clearly need to let out”

but you know what? if someone doesn’t have the trauma i have? let them write it, too! let them create and enjoy the fictional content they want! more cake, y’all!

finally getting around to one of the first parts of your ask, lol. thorki is incest. thor and loki are brothers. they were raised believing they were blood brothers, even. loki being adopted doesn’t change a thousand years of personal history where thor looked at loki and thought that they came out of the same woman, y’know?

that’s his brother and in the comics his attachment to loki is even more intense. the mcu nerfed that shit. loki’s life has been intrinsically tied to thor’s ability to feel a full sense of joy.

enjoying an incest ship isn’t some sign of moral depravity. writing abusive relationships isn’t bad. gone girl was made into an award winning movie. art should look like life, and sometimes life fucking sucks. dark stories, sad stories, fucked up holy shit idk if i can go to sleep after i read this stories exist for a reason. we need them. we have to have an outlet for our frustration, our anger, and especially our fear.

so which is the healthier option of these

to write up a piece of fanfiction where two siblings are in love in a way that might be cute and soft or might be destructive, depending on your mood?

attacking strangers you don’t know online and threatening violence against anyone who doesn’t think like you do?

i know what kind of person i want to be.

ship and let ship, thanks for reading my doctoral thesis office hours are always

#anon #baylen chats

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deadrosencrantz · 6 years

Text

doctor who actually making the 19 year old companions act like 19 year olds has been an extremely good move. as a current 19 year old in the U.K., i feel like i'm at least a decent judge of this?

i mostly wanna talk about ryan because i think he's more the type of person I am, yaz also feels real to me but i guess i'll leave that to someone else

so! things about ryan that make me believe he's a dorky loser of my age despite tosin cole being a Real grown-up

he makes vlogs nobody watches

re-friends yaz, gently bullies her ("you just went way down in my opinion, he was punching above his weight")

WHERES THE RELOAD WHEREDS THE RELOAD AAAAAAAAAAA

(but negative points for making him reference call of duty when any REAL 19 year old boy would have referenced halo, ffs the weapons looked straight out of the covenant armoury)

(i assume he was simplifying himself for the benefit of graham who is only capable of remembering 1 (one) video game)

"did you just accidentally pay me a compliment?" "................whatever"

quiet frustration with a baby boomer for trying to force a connection, obvious differences in the way they communicate driving a wedge between them

uses social media and the internet and cares about his phone and nobody around him is a bitch about it because of course he does (i mention this because there's so much TV out there that can't resist taking a cheap shot at "tech-obsessed" youths whenever possible)

emotionally affected by tragedy, desire to respect the dead ("he knew he could die but he still did it anyway" about rahul in e1). that felt like an appeal to milennial/gen z sensibilities imo, like of course compassion is not exclusive to my generation but i feel like there's a lot of young people like me really craving the kind of like, acknowledgement of the human costs of things? i think this is kind of related to

ryan being like, not Socially Conscious, but having absorbed enough life to be Socially Conscious? like big mood, is there anything more late-teens than having some great social and moral ideas but not being exactly sure how to apply them or of relevant historical contexts

he wants fairness but isn't always conscious of how the world works ("tell me you don't get hassle")

also a special shout out for ryan not remembering who rosa parks was but it's not because he's totally ignorant, he just got confused on the details and did still have a good basis of knowledge on the civil rights movement, i love that we aren't going for absolutes

well thought out deadpan humour in front of others ("good, cause i don't eat them"), dorky talking to himself when alone. ("nice one ryan! THANKS RYAN!")

relationship-guruing total strangers (kerblam!) and the specific way he tells graham to shut up when he mentions ryan's similar issue

he doesn't mind when people are different! that's a big deal for the kind of teen i think ryan is being written as, which is to say, not a douchebag. he's grown up knowing human diversity and i think he's felt isolated enough he doesn't ever want to judge others? he accepts flirting from a gay man without being a lil bitch about it (i hate that i have to specify that as a positive but ykno toxic masculinity) and a man giving birth essentially without issue.

idk i just think it's nice that ryan seems to be written for open-minded nerdy kids and young people, and as a good role model of acceptance?

(semi related: i want ryan to be gay or bi more and more with every passing ep but he's likeable as a Woke Straight too)

doesn't hate his disability but has some level of frustration with it that imo is portrayed with enough nuance even in its brief appearances? and because diagnosis is easier these days i think that's a big thing for my gen, having a name for your problem for most of your life and being mostly at peace with it but like, god whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

"SILLY" PLANS THAT WORK!! being playfully judgemental of ppl for not knowing music, hello arachnids in the u.k.

what was it he said, "you have no idea how uncool you sound right now"? that was A+

his sometimes slightly awkward way of speaking, like, speaks to me, as a 19 year old with a developmental disability, and the balance of growing up/finding your feet with being different to your peers

he's used to graham being kind of mean about his dyspraxia but doesn't even really make a big deal of it bc old people just be like that ig

willing to admit mistakes but not to be teased for them by adults (woman who fell to earth, ghost monument, rosa, kerblam)

i know a lot of this is kind of projecty but like, that's what's so good about it!! ryan is close enough to me and my peers that it's possible to read him as one of us!! which is not true of a lot of media youth rep!

i CAN project onto ryan, more easily than with any other character in media

and i didn't know how much i needed that until chibz like, descended upon this show with divine providence

to be clear i'm not saying those traits are exclusive to my generation, just that i see a lot of our generalised attitude to life in ryan and that makes me happy. i see a lot of my life!! shit boi!! also i'm on the bus to uni and very tired so sorry if like literally none of this made sense, tbh this post barely even has a thesis i just wanted to write things i like about ryan

#doctor who #dw spoilers #ryan sinclair #chibnall era #max.txt

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cielleduciel · 6 years

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I have some sensitive questions, and you totally don’t need to answer if they’re too much, but here they are. Did you ever struggle w internal homophobia? If so, how did you manage to overcome it?? And my last question: any tips for softly breaking it to Albanian parents? I know people are individuals but its still the same culture so..

• Same anon as before!! I am an 18-year-old girl that was born and raised in the US. Thank you so much, and take as much time as you need to answer.

• I would also like to add that I’ve struggled with this for a pretty long time now (since I was around 12), so it’s not like I realized my preferences just recently. For years I’ve been telling myself that it’s just a phase or I’m just starved of affection (so I’m looking for it in the wrong place) or that I just haven’t met the right guy yet. I feel disgusted with myself, and it’s very tiring and emotionally consuming. Add in my Albanian relatives on top of it, and I’m just done with it all.

thanks for your patience anon, this last week’s been a bit hectic for me

first off i’m flattered by that first question, bc i was the most self-hating repressed closet gay i knew. i started off as that kid that was like “i don’t have a problem with gay people i just don’t think they should get married and i hate it when they ‘act’ gay”. i went through three boyfriends and two different sexual orientations before i finally accepted i was a lesbian, which took me until april of last year. so if that’s hard to imagine then i know i’m doing good for myself, and maybe it can give you some reassurance too

tbh i don’t think any of us can ever actually avoid or stop struggling with internalized homophobia, given that we’re all inundated with those messages every day in big or small ways. i think at best i just learned how to stop listening to it so much. it took me a really long time though and honestly at your age you’re already way ahead of me than i was, the questions you’re asking yourself now are ones i couldn’t bear to face even in my early 20s

my personal struggle has been very much connected to my family and growing up as a 1½-gen albanian immigrant. if your family and upbringing are anything like mine, then you might understand, and they’re probably just as closely related to your struggle as well. don’t take what i say here as gospel since this is all from personal experience and i’m not even 100% where i want to be yet. but i know how lonely it is for us out there, so i’ll try to be as real with you as i can without getting too personal (idk if this readmore will work on mobile so my apologies and just scroll down really fast @ anyone not reading this)

first thing: don’t be in a rush to tell your parents, even if you’re an adult, and especially if you’re still dependent on them. i assume you’re asking for tips because you already know or have reason to suspect that they won’t take it well. and if you’re still struggling to accept yourself, your parents’ & relatives�� opinions are the last thing you need to be worrying about right now (i know easier said than done we’re albanian i Understand but like. trust me)

second: i really think learning how to stop listening to that internalized homophobia is just a slow process of learning to normalize your feelings in opposition to it. truly the most important thing i did for myself was surround myself with other bi/lesbian women as a way to counter everything else in my life that was telling me to hate myself. the key here is that i did that for years. the logic goes like this: if my world was already and will always be filled with heteronormativity and homophobia, then to fight it, i needed a space i could come back to that’s filled with what i needed to see and could make it feel as normal as i logically knew it was

i didn’t have the freedom to reach out to others IRL so i sought out bi/lesbian women online and immersed myself in those communities. i filled my online spaces with people like me who could show me every day that what i was feeling was genuine, normal, healthy, whole, positive, and worth embracing. when i really began to internalize that, self-confidence and assurance just kind of naturally followed, which made it easier to shout down and ignore the Internalized Homophobia Gremlin in my brain

another thing too, and this’ll sound silly. idk if you’re into video games but they were also a big part of my normalization process. i love role-playing games and for years i used them as a private, risk-free, judgment-free way to “experiment” with women and allow my feelings to “run free” after repressing/ignoring them for so long. i personally know other LGBT people who discovered themselves in similar ways (through DnD, for example). something to consider if that’s your thing. but media of all kinds can be powerful normalizing tools too, if you can find decent ones to your liking

i had to be really patient and gentle with myself though, and you’ll have to be too bc there really is no quick fix, we’re up against years of internalizing this crap since we were born, basically. do whatever you need to fight against it though, bc there is literally, objectively, nothing wrong with you. you deserve to be happy just as you are, you deserve love and to be able to find it with another woman, and remember you’re never alone in this even if it feels like you are. i think that’s the most powerful reminder

back around to your last question, worry about coming out to your parents when you’re on more solid ground, bc it doesn’t sound like you are rn. everyone’s parents are different but as a general rule i’ve found that when trying to broach a difficult subject, you really need to have your back up against a point that you refuse to budge on, and plant yourself there. you can negotiate or make arguments around it but you need that one point that you’re absolutely sure of where you’ll always hold your ground

in coming out to them, that point needs to be your identity and everything attached to it, so your confidence and sense of self need to be as solid and unmoving as a fucking mountain so that they can’t dig into you and undermine your conviction. esp bc tbh it’s entirely likely that you’ll have to have that conversation several times. so that’s why i stress working on yourself first. for your own sake, don’t jump the gun on this

also, it’ll be much easier on you if you’re not always stuck under the same roof, or at least not totally dependent on them. and i know that’s tough and complicated because a lot of us never truly “move out”, per se, and it’s normal for us to stay with our parents/family for a very long time. but if you can find a way, arrange something with friends, etc., i find it really helps with your general confidence to know you have somewhere else you can go unconditionally, without restrictions. and i don’t mean “rush to move out as soon as you can”, bc like i said, i know that’s hard on us for many reasons and it may hurt you more than you think it will. but if it’s a point you can get to eventually, it does help

after all this, if/when you eventually do decide to come out, i recommend you tell only one of your parents at first. whichever one you’re closer with or find easier to talk to (i’d say ideally whoever’s the least homophobic but like. lmao). do it privately and when you’re both in a good mood. i find altogether this makes the atmosphere less confrontational and more personal, a show like you’re “confiding” in them moreso than making an announcement. depending on how it goes i think you can adjust your strategy from there

even still, i can’t say with any confidence that it will go over well, but it’s as gentle a way to break it to them as i know. if on the very off chance you have another relative who you know is sympathetic and won’t go telling the entire rest of the family immediately, i’d say try reaching out to them first, as it’ll give you “practice” talking about it and they may be able to advise you about your own parents better than i can, as well as support you directly. but even this i would only do after you’re more confident in yourself and your identity

in the end, keep in mind that you don’t have to come out either. it’s not like a requirement for loving yourself. many of us stay closeted to our families for a very long time simply bc it’s safer, easier, and smarter wrt our situations. again, i know that’s complicated because of how tight-knit our families are traditionally, and how much we may want to remain close to them for cultural reasons. at some point it may make it difficult to hide (my mom started suspecting i liked girls before i even knew i liked girls. it was scary). but like, i’m 27 and i’m still not out to most of my family (my dad doesn’t even know). it doesn’t stop me from being a proud albanian lesbian, or from having and maintaining a happy & healthy relationship with my girlfriend. it doesn’t have to stop you either

and…. i think that’s really all i can say. sorry for taking so long and also for talking so much. i hope i could help even a little, or if not, at least offer some reassurance. it’s a good sign that you’re reaching out and trying to get a handle on your feelings, so keep at it, and remember you’re not alone out there. there are so many of us in the world living our lives and trying to build a future and support each other. i really think you’ll be fine

#asks #blog chatter #long post

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wiccamoody · 6 years

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Alright, under the cut is my ii review. It's very long and divided into sections because I'm like that.

The audience

I'm starting off with the easy bit. So something I didn't entirely expect (but kind of did at the same time? Usually I'm pleasantly surprised by these kinds of events) was how old I felt. I'm 19. I'm practically a baby. I shouldn't ever feel old unless I'm surrounded by kindergarteners. But besides people's parents and a few people who I could tell were my age or older, everyone was so young. I mean, duh, I'm pretty sure the average age in the phandom is like 16 or something, but it was wild to me, though maybe that's because I've curated the shit out of my fandom experience. And this wasn't a bad thing at all! The only bad thing about feeling 'old' was that people letting out ear splitting screams at literally nothing was giving me a headache and made me roll my eyes at multiple points (ahem, I think screaming when you see the empty stage that we've seen a million times before is a bit much, but maybe that's me being grumpy). Otherwise, it was really, really nice to see such a diverse and lovely group of people come together and just have fun. I wasn't dancing at any of the songs or whatever (but you bet your ass I sang my heart out when WTTBP was playing), however it was really cute to see people in such good moods. It's one of my favourite parts of fandom events. I was glad that this one wasn't like some events I've been to where people are dicks to everyone is they aren't friends with. Everyone just seemed so nice and happy, and I really felt a sense of community there too, which was lovely. Also, even though I've said this several times, it really was so lovely to meet @lesterchuu and @astudyinfondness. They were so lovely and it was great to meet people off the internet.

Okay, now that we've got the fluff out of the way, let's get to the meat of this review: the show.

Dan

To put it plainly: Dan was acting. I'll get into why Phil was but also "wasn't" acting, but it was very clear that Dan was playing ~Daniel Howell. He had a few character breaks, like when he smacked his leg into the stage twice and almost said fuck both times. He also fiddled with his mic a lot, and I don't know if that's giving his hands something to do while Phil's talking, or if it was actually bothering him, but it was something I noticed.

Speaking of mannerisms, I was surprised to see how, for lack of a better term, 'campy' Dan's body language can be. He also walked very awkwardly across the stage a few times, which made me laugh.

Anyway, Dan was really interesting for me to watch because he was so in character the whole time. His 'Dan' voice is something that kind of bothers me after a while (which is why I like his liveshows the best out of his solo content), and while I didn't get bothered by it during the show, I was extremely hyper aware of its presence, which was the main thing that made me go "Oh Dan's really acting right now". Maybe that should be super obvious since I've listened to audio clips of the show before and know that it's 90% scripted, but I suppose I wasn't expecting it to be so obvious to me when I was watching it. Also, it was incredibly jarring (but also pleasant, in a way) to hear Dan's cackle irl. Along with that, Dan's facial expressions were always 'turned on'. Besides when he fixed his mic, whenever Phil was talking he looked full of energy and rearing to go. Dan's dedication to his character kind of took me out of the loose narrative of the show because of how obvious I found it to be, but I know that's just me over analyzing things since I generally find Dan's mannerisms so interesting to watch. He did a really great job though.

Phil

I found Phil so much more interesting to watch through the whole show. Phil was definitely acting, but it was different from the way Dan was acting. Dan had the pacing and energy of someone who has to stay in a relatively emotionally stagnant character, while Phil came across very similarly to how he does in his videos. It was definitely played up a bit more because he's still acting in a stage show (side note: they must have decided to get some training before this one because they were a lot less stiff than in tatinof. I've only seen the youtube red version of it, but even then their acting was Not Great in it compared to this time around), but he felt more true to the Phil we see on the gaming channel and in liveshows than Dan did.

I think a lot of Phil's behaviour in this particular show was influenced by how exhausted he seemed to be that day. He looked tired in his instagram story, and on stage he definitely had a more neutral face than Dan did when Dan was talking. There were a few moments where I could see Phil falter and watch his expression shift to his 'Done' face, but it was only for a split second every time (yeah, I barely looked at them when they were talking. I was mostly trying to see what they looked like when the other was talking because for some reason I feel like that's more telling. Maybe I'm weird idk).

I'm not sure if he always sits for the simulation bit, but the fact that Dan didn't made me think that they usually stand so I think the tour was really starting to take a toll on him near the end there. He also popped a few squats and swayed his hips a lot which was amusing to me. Oh, and a bit that I found hilarious was after he got off the wheel and was undressing, he bent over so his ass was facing the audience while Dan was talking and everyone cheered which cut Dan off. Phil was struggling to get the suit over his shoes too so he kind of waddled into one of the wings but the spotlight kept following him. Eventually he just sat down on the stage and pulled it off, but I thought it was a funny moment (even if it's something that happens at every show where Phil's on the wheel).

Something else about Phil that really shone through here, similar to how it is in videos but not to the same extent, is how naturally funny he is. Again, it wasn't to the same extent that it is in videos since he's acting, but some of their little ad libbed moments were so much better because of Phil's quick humour.

Dan & Phil

Something I noticed right away was that their dynamic was far from the flirty and silly one we get on dapg, or even in joint videos/liveshows. I expected this since the show is mostly scripted, so that's fine, but it was still very obvious to me the entire time. They didn't bounce off of each other in the same way they do in videos of course, but god they work so well together. The show didn't change my perception of them in the slightest, but it did make me see how much of a unit they really are. This was something I was very aware of before obviously, but seeing it irl made it a little more concrete, which was interesting. They really are the perfect package deal together and for each other. Their dynamic made me crave more from them though. The inner workings of their relationship are so interesting to me, and while it's far more likely than not that we'll ever get even the smallest glimpse into that part of their lives, it has me intrigued. But more on that later.

Moving onto the extremely superficial portion of this section, I was surprised to see how...similar they look to how they appear in videos. I was close enough to be able to see their sweat and whatnot, and I found it odd how they actually do look like they do online. I realise how ridiculous that sounds, but it was something that was running through my mind. The way they move their bodies was really quite awkward at times, but honestly I relate and I had a feeling they would be a little awkward in some bits. There was a moment when Dan looked right at the spot where I was sitting for a long time (obviously not directly at me, but in a spot either right in front or behind me--maybe he zoned out) while he was talking about something. I think it was during the real conversation section because he was sitting down, but I really didn't hear anything either of them were saying because my mind was like "wow his eyes are a really nice shade of brown" haha. In short, they're both pretty. Oh, and I could definitely see Dan's nipples the entire time.

The show & what I took away from it

To sum up my feelings in a few words: I really enjoyed myself! I had a lot of fun, but all it really did was make me crave a real conversation with them. This show was not nearly as enjoyable to me as a video or a liveshow, and I didn't expect it to be. I knew that it was going to be formulaic and that there would be a few moments that I would genuinely adore, but otherwise it was just going to be a fun time where I spend way too much money and get to see them 25 feet away. That's not a bad thing, either. I'm okay with that. I went in knowing that nothing revolutionary is going to happen because this show really isn't about me as a fan, or my fabricated one-way friendly connection to them, or what I want from them. I'm simply there to enjoy myself and explicitly support them monetarily, which is expected and fine. And I also never anticipated this show to be mind blowingly spectacular or anything, concept and script-wise. I don't expect that from Dan and Phil ever, and that's really not why I watch them. I'm definitely here because their chemistry is like nothing else and I find their relationship so fascinating. I think overall as someone who wasn't anticipating much and who had spoiled themselves as much as possible, seeing it actually exceeded my expectations. And it's a big plus in my book that it actually was a lot better than tatinof (but that's a whole other post tbh). The only thing that really annoyed me was the way fic is treated, but this happens in every show so I was expecting it, though it didn't stop me from being unimpressed. Oh, and I didn't appreciate being constantly shamed for voting for the craft videos. We all know that's where their content peaked.

I'm a little frustrated by how much it made me actually want to get to know them though, like I said earlier about being intrigued by the inner bits of their dynamic. I've said this for years, but I'd really love to have a long chat with them over coffee or drinks. I think it would be interesting. But that's a pipe dream and a half so this will definitely suffice.

I adore how queer the show was too. The fact that they're comfortable enough now to travel around the world with so many queer references in the scripted parts of their show makes me really happy for them.

Overall, I left the show in a good mood and feeling really fond of them. It was a nice time.

#i'm sorry for how fucking long this is #i could have gone on for longer #but this is like 2k words #ii spoilers #ii van #i'll stop annoying everyone with my ii posts now lol #i think i'm done

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hanniejji · 6 years

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TAGS UWU

So I was tagged three times and since I wasn't able to do it on my phone I had to do it on my computer lmao anyway I got tagged by my sweet cakes(@hyunjinsgiggle ), the sunshine (@felegs ), and this cutie (@stayuwu ) this is going to be long btw im sorry and the ending is very depressing ignore it

Bold Tag

Rules: bold the ones that apply to you!

Appearance:

I’m over 5'5 / I wear glasses/contacts / I have blonde hair / I wear sweatshirts a lot / I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing / I have one or more piercings / I have at least one tattoo / I have blue eyes / I have dyed or highlighted my hair / I have gotten plastic surgery / I have or had braces / I sunburn easily / I have freckles / I paint my nails / I typically wear makeup / I don’t often smile / I am pleased with how I look / I prefer Nike to Adidas / I wear baseball hats backwards

Hobbies and talents:

I play a sport / I can play an instrument / I am artistic / I know more than one language / I have won a trophy in some sort of competition / I can cook or bake without a recipe / I know how to swim / I enjoy writing / I can do origami / I prefer movies on TV shows / I can execute a perfect somersault / I enjoy singing / I could survive in the wild on my own / I have read a new book series this year / I enjoy spending time with friends / I travel during school or work brakes / I can do a handstand

Experiences:

I have had my first kiss / I have gotten drunk / I have told a crush I like them / I have traveled outside of the country / I have flown on an airplane / I have stayed awake for more than 48 hours / I have had a near-death experience / I have caught something on fire / I have performed in a talent show / I have shot a gun / I have been on TV / I have gone scuba diving / I have broken a bone / I have slow-danced / I have gone on a shopping spree

Relationships:

I am in a relationship / I have been single for over a year / I have a crush / I have a best friend I have known for over ten years / my parents are together / I have dated my best friend / I am adopted / my crush have confessed to me / I have had a long-distance relationship / I am an only child / I give advice to my friends / I have made an online friend / I met up with someone I have met online

Aesthetics:

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell / I have watched the sun rise / I enjoy rainy days / I have slept under the stars / I meditate outside / the sound of chirping calms me / I enjoy the smell of the beach / I know what snow tastes like / I listen to music to fall asleep / I enjoy thunderstorms / I enjoy cloud watching / I have attended a bonfire / I pay close attention to colors / I find mystery in the ocean / I enjoy hiking on nature paths / Autumn is my favorite season

Miscellaneous:

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle / I am the mom friend / I live by a certain quote / I like the smell of sharpies / I am involved in extracurricular activities/ I enjoy Mexican food / I can drive stick-shift / I have memorized an entire song in a day / I believe in true love / I dream up scenarios to fall asleep / I sing in the shower / I wish I lived in a video game / I have a canopy above my bed / I am Multi-racial / I am a redhead / I own at least three dogs / I am LGBR

I'm about to answer 33 questions wow I feel like I'm on an examination

11 questions tag

by sweet cakes:

1. what is your fashion sense?

I have a lot of styles depending on the weather or my mood. I mostly do the sweater/jacket + high waisted shorts hehe or turtle neck + shorts + cardigan/jacket. when I'm lazy, which is always, I wear an oversize hoodie and shorts and the occasional cap hihi I have a weird sense of fashion

2. what is your favourite season?

I like rainy, or windy. any is fine as long as I don't sweat like hell adfaslsja I hate summer

3. if you could go on holiday anywhere, where?

I love going to beaches but tbh anywhere with good views is fine, it doesn't matter since the most important thing for me is that I get the experience and take lots of photos if they have a lot of delicious foods then that's better oof

4. what is one quote you live by?

"learn to stand on your own feet" has a very special place in my heart

5. would you ever get a tattoo, and if so, what and where?

I would want a snowflake, because we're not alone falling down

6. what is your favourite song at the minute?

at the moment, it's nobody knows by youngjae and fine by yugyeom ✨✨

7. what is one album you would listen to for the rest of your life?

I still listen to Linkin Park songs because of the meaningful and relatable lyrics

8. what is your favourite memory from the last year?

it has to be the one time my mom said she's proud of me :')

9. what is one regret you have?

not being able to make friends easily :'( I find it hard to do

10. would you change aforementioned regret?

maybe :'(

11. if you could have any food in the world to eat right now, what would it be?

How dare you make me choose I can't possibly choose between different varieties of foods :'( fries, frappe, and shawarma w/o cucumber pls

by sunshine 🌞

1. what’s one thing that helps you relax?

probably sleeping with soft background music

2. what’s your favorite novel and author?

I'd rather poetry :') sea of strangers by lang leav is amazing

3. are you an affectionate person? if so, how do you show affection?

I'm more like the closet affectionate person hehe but when I'm tired or sleepy I get clingy a lot but I'm mostly through small actions, I'm not comfortable with saying "I miss you" or whatever unless I'm typing them

4. are you an early bird or a night owl?

totally a night owl

5. if you’re comfortable with it, do you have a song you connect to something or someone, and if so, what is it?

sorry by halsey, broken home by 5sos

6. if you could go back to a place you’ve been to before, where would it be?

the beach we went to last vacation :')

7. what does your favorite piece of clothing - that you own yourself - look like?

a very comfy oversized hoodie, it's black with front pocket, sweater paaaaws, and it has a small doodle of neptune on the back

8. who’s your bias and why?

bias? I don't know her

9. do you believe in luck and miracles?

yas, my aunt is actually a fortune teller? idk? but she knows a lot about those and spirits thing but since I have low self confidence I mostly sound like I don't believe in them

10. what’s your favorite type of decorations?

aesthetic and pastel colors ✨

11. do you prefer being outside or inside?

booooth

by cutie :

1. Are you a daydreamer? If so, what do you dream about?

sometimes I just space out without even realizing

2. What’s your favorite place in the world?

home

3. What’s home to you?

somewhere that no one can judge me, a safety place, a place where I can let loose and be comfortable and not give a care about anything

4. This is not a question but quote a vine.

"oh hell noOooOoOOoOooOooOO"

5. Grey’s anatomy or House?

what i don't watch any of these

6. Do you have any pets?

a lame excuse of a cat

7. What kind of friend are you? (You know, the mom friend, the meme friend, etc).

the mom friend, scolds you 25/8, gives advises everywhere, comforts you, takes things seriously, drops everything just to listen to you unless I'm in a very bad mood, sacrifices for you, boyfriend material (according to my friend), secretly soft, lazy but exerts effort when needed, randomly does weird things and dances to fortnite, supports you, but lowkey doesn't do the same for myself lol because I'm emo and you can hear me saying bad things about myself 27/10 and pushing you away lol

I don't share my food unless you're important lmao

8. Do you hate someone? If so, why?

fake peopleeee

9. What’s your dream job?

to be a journalism

10. What MCU character resembles you the most? (not physically, more like mentally and emotionally).

probably wanda

11. I won’t use this eleven question as an actual question, use your right to answer to this to talk about whatever the fuck you want. Rant, fangirl, talk about what you did today or yesterday or whatever. Just talk.

I just want to cry to someone but I don't have the heart to tell anyone, I don't know why but I get stressed so easily and that one time our nurse had a seminar and asked if anyone is depressed, I just want to raise my hand but I'm too scared someone will judge me and think of me as a weak person, like now, and she started this speech about how to beat depression and I just can't understand how is that going to work because it doesn't work on me. I'm getting tired of constantly getting sad for no reason and it's bothering my classmates and I hate bothering them I feel like I'm annoying so I kept these thoughts to myself. It's hard trying to avoid spacing out and being so quiet all of the sudden, I'm getting mad at myself for being pathetic and I did the "do" once because I was so desperate to feel something other than sadness and I couldn't even tell anyone and right now I feel like this rant I'm doing is bothering everyone I hate being like this :'(

I'm doooonneee hehehehe that took me like a long time and I should really sleep now :') I will reblog this with my 11 questions and tags because tumblr has limits ugh

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