#idk what her problem has been the past 3 nights but on her last bathroom break its like she gets her second wind

[iskratempestmadness]

Hey! Idk if you're requests are open or not so feel free to bypass this request if it's the latter. Could I get a jack hanma x female reader who's insecure about how skinny she is (not unhealthy)? Mainly her Arms and she wants to start bulking up a little bit but she's too scared to do it on her own. How would be find out? Would he help her?

Thanks another xoxo! <3

Oh, my orders are still open (they are, in principle, always open) so do not hesitate, I am always at your service. Sorry for the wait.

Oh, that was wonderful. This is your first thought after you've just woken up. In the last few months, you have been suffering from sleep deprivation only on rare days do you manage to get a good night's sleep. What is the reason for this? Probably with a change of lifestyle. You moved in just a few months ago, and you're still getting used to your new home and job.

You got out of bed and your gaze was drawn to the poster hanging literally in front of your bed. It depicted a rocker from some popular band about 20 years ago. It hung there not only fulfilling an aesthetic function, but also covering a stain of unknown origin that you inherited from previous tenants. Despite this, your apartment is pretty good, has a place to turn around and is well furnished. A fairly large bed, a medium-sized TV in the corner of the room, two large closets, one for things, the other for books, a workplace and an armchair. Pretty good, especially considering the price.

After lying down for about five more minutes, you lazily got out of bed, put your feet in fluffy warm slippers and went to the bathroom. It was Sunday, there was no hurry, but a couple of things had already been planned.

When you entered the bathroom, standing in front of the sink, you saw a painfully familiar face. Yes, your thinness is not visible on your face, but it was only worth looking down a little... A thin neck, well-defined collarbones, a part of the chest peeking out from under the pajamas... You didn't like that about yourself.But what I thought was even uglier were your hands. Very little fat mass, weak muscles... They look like two thin straws that are so easy to break... Another thing is what was going on under your T-shirt. A normal waist and thinness combined to make your chest look quite impressive, despite the fact that it was small compared to others. The hips were particularly pronounced, the skin was almost clinging to the bone. The legs are as thin as the arms. And all over the body, if you looked closely, you could see the clear outlines of veins.

And yet you weren't sick. On the contrary, if you do not take into account the appearance, then you were absolutely healthy.

Throwing on a hoodie and jeans, you headed for the exit. There was no doubt that you were definitely hiding your appearance. But what brought you to this state?

It seems that it is not necessary to colorfully describe your past, you can do it briefly. Because of the school billing, you started losing weight in order to achieve the "norm" despite the fact that you were never fat. Your parents tried to support you, but they ended up just shoving food into you, which also didn't help solve the problem. The result was the same. You're standing in front of a mirror and you don't like every part of yourself. You just dream of gaining weight, but your attempts do not end in success.

--------------------------------------------------

Now, the day had already passed, the planned plans had been fulfilled, and all that remained was to return home. But as the day was free, and you needed to unwind, you decided to take a little walk.

Park. It's pretty peaceful and calm. It's just the thing to relax. Sitting on a bench, she began to read a book she had picked up from the table in the morning, but involuntarily drew attention to a towel and a bag lying next to it. But you didn't pay attention to it, so you didn't leave.

But you had to take your mind off the book when a guy came up to your bench. He was... peculiar. Very peculiar.

The first thing that caught my eye was, of course, the height. HE WAS HUGE. Much higher than others. The second was his physique. Broad shoulders, huge muscles, an impressive chest visible from under a T-shirt, incredibly large, toned legs in light shorts. But what was perhaps the most unusual thing was that when he spoke to you, something flashed in his mouth, you did not immediately realize that it was platinum teeth.

You met him, it turned out his name was Jack, he wasn't particularly friendly, but he was a great conversationalist. Despite his intimidating appearance, he was even sweet and surprisingly well-read and erudite. And you had no idea what he was doing, but it didn't bother you.

--------------------------------------------------

In a couple of months he became a friend for you and perhaps one of the most important figures in your life. Since your relationship was built on trust, you could not tell him about your complex, you could not show him your thin thin pens, could not tell him about your past. Your friend listened carefully to your story and when you finished it shared your story.

After the narrative he offered you to start slowly gaining weight , said he knew one good doctor who would help you.

You said you had already tried a lot and you tried a lot, it didn't improve your condition. Besides, your worst is not dangerous for life

However, Jack was not satisfied with this answer and continued to insist on his, bringing the argument that you will be treated by one of the best doctors in Japan.

Under his pressure, you gave up pretty quickly and the next day you were in the clinic in which this best doctor worked. It was a gorgeous clinic, polite service staff and excellent doctors. When you entered the office you saw a young man with long red hair.The doctor was nice to you, and very polite to you. This doctor was no one else other than the Synogies of the Curich. He examined you, learned a couple of nuances, prescribed diet and demanded full compliance.

Jack gave you all the help: helped to keep the diet safe, began to train you, of course, he didn't give you much trouble.

But it's much more difficult you've had to do with psychological terms. Because of the dislike of yourself and because of the habit of life with features, you were quite difficult to get rid of complexes, but your kind friend helped you get rid of it, bringing you to the idea of what you need to turn to the psychologist and gave you all the way to support you and helped you to love yourself.

It was strange that Jack didn't require you to be in the Ham. Why? It's a good question. And there is no answer to him, but there is a sea of questions. What if he had met you at the first meeting, he learned in the girl reading book himself? What if he had compared his desire to become stronger and your desire to become a normal physique, and came to the conclusion that they were equal? What if he put on you a projection of his past? What if he helped you to help you and himself?

Wow, this is the first time I write this job, I hope you like it!

[the-game-spirit]

omfg if this dog doesn't stop barking at night I'm going to mcfreakin cry

[slowpoke-fics]

Poison

Fandom: The Vampire Diaries

Pairing: Stefan x Reader

Request Summary: The reader has anger issues and is on verge of becoming an alcoholic as she feels helpless. Stefan helps her through to quit alcoholism and fight her fears and control her anger.

Warnings: alcoholism, self deprecation, Stefan being hungry, ooc Stefan and matt? idk I know I've missed some, as always read at your own risk

A/N: Yoooooo, welcome me back to the land of the matrix folks because I have crawled out of my pit of despair to bring you 1000 or so words that will hopefully give you a small rush of serotonin!

My friend, @yipee101, has been so patient and kind, they may have forgotten about this but I did not!! I hope you enjoy love.

Thank you pals for being patient with me.

Blessed be to all of you and sweet love to come your way <3

You slipped your sixth shot of whiskey down your throat, pouring another as you listened to Elena and Damon put their vamp skills to good use again. It just reminded you of what you couldn't be, and you had to admit it made you a little sick to be the only one who couldn’t defend herself. The only one so vulnerable, so mortal. Nobody would let you turn, everyone just wanted to keep you 'pure.' Your blood boiled just thinking about it. You decided you weren’t gonna just stand there and listen to them fuck, so you took your shot and slammed the glass down so hard it shattered. You headed for the door, not waiting around in the Salvatore house for Stefan when all you could hear was thudding and graphic moans.

As you stumbled to the door you went through your purse to find your car keys. Grabbing the handle and pulling the door open you were met with Stefans confused face. You walked right by him, “You know, if you were gonna be late we could’ve met at the Grill.” Stefan beat you to the car, taking the keys from you and putting you in the passenger seat. You pulled out your flask and began drinking, “Sorry I was late love, don’t you think you could slow down?” your blood boiled.

“Listen sweetheart, I know that you think you know what’s best, but the drinking isn’t a problem.” Stefan shakes his head as you take yet another swig, “Why do you keep drinking so much anyway?” You smiled big, clearly not wanting to talk about it, "After listening to Elena and Damon fuck for an hour, I think it's okay," raising the flask as if you’d raise your glass, spinning around to lay your head on his leg, you down a good mouthful of liquor, “So babe, how come you were late anyway?” Stefan sighed, “I got caught up hunting was a little hungrier than normal.” You gently reached your hand up and rubbed Stefan’s arm reassuringly, “It's okay to be hungry, I know it’s hard.”

You arrived at the grill, quickly pulling the bottle from your backseat and refilling your now empty flask. Stefan met you at your side of the car, allowing you to slide your arm perfectly with his for support. "It's lovely, ya know?" You mumbled as Stefan opened the door for you, "What is Y/N/N?" Sliding into the booth, "To be so drunk all the time that I don't have all the flies buzzing 'round me. All the little worries just whoosh, and everything is just so fun." Matty comes up to you and Stefan, taking your order and allowing you to order a rum and coke and a random meal.

After about ten minutes, Matty brings you another drink, you slammed it back, chugging and pounding the glass on the table a little too hard. Matty saluted you, bringing you another. You went back to back for a good half hour. Matty started to sit down another for you, but Stefan interjected, “I think she’s had enough tonight Matt.” Matt nodded, looking at your disheveled figure, head lying on the tables arms crossed under your head, ready to pass out. “‘M ready to go home,” you mumbled as you laid back in your booth, happily relaxing into the overly inviting cushions. Stefan lightly laughed, trying to cover the true concern he had for you.

Even though you guys had been dating nearly a year, this is how it always was. At first, he didn’t notice it, but the closer you two got the more you allowed him to see. You had finally explained to him that it was ‘your normal,’ that it had been since the night at the haunted house and Stefan almost died trying to save you from a vampire. Stefan looks at you for a minute, recalling the words he would never forget you said, “Nobody gave a shit back then so don’t start caring now.” Stefan picked you up out of the booth, carrying you to your car and softly closing the door. As he got back into the car, he noticed you trying to finish off your flask. He had decided in that moment, enough was enough. He took your flask from you, eliciting a heavy groan from you that didn’t last long because of your truly fucked state. The last thing you remember is laying your head on his leg as your normal position, his fingers running softly through your hair.

When you woke up the next morning you instantly ran to the bathroom, unlucky to be one of the times you had a hangover. You pounded on the floor next to your toilet, trying to alert Stefan. He was instantly next to you, handing you a cup, no doubt his special morning blend with enough of his blood to make all of this go away. He gently pulled your hair up and wrapped it in a bun, watching as you drank the contents of the cup, knowing it would be over soon. In truth, it was. After you finished chugging the cup you leaned back onto Stefan. “Good morning,” you laughed, “I hate for us to start it this way,” Stefan mumbled as he kissed your forehead, sliding his arms under yours and pulling you to your feet. You spun around to face him, “What the fuck?” you near shouted. “Why do you have to nit pick so fucking early?”

"It's not nit picking, Y/N" He tried to speak non-confrontational, "I am genuinely worried about you. This isn't healthy-you're not invincible to this." You scoffed, pushing past him and downstairs to your kitchen, Stefan following suit as you spoke, "You mean I'm human, right? Defenseless and vulnerable?" You shook your head, interrupting him as he tried to speak, "No-don't even, this wouldn't be a problem if I was a vampire. If I wasn't so fucking needy, always pitifully needing protecting, can't even decide how much liquor to drink." You slammed the coffee pot back in it's place, impatiently waiting for it to finish. "I don't think you're pitiful or needy. I think that you're drinking too much and putting your life in needless danger and you won't tell me why."

You flailed your arms, spinning around to pour yourself a cup of coffee, grabbing a bottle of liquor and starting to pour some in, but Stefan's hand is on the bottle. You slammed the bottle down turning to Stefan, shoving him back with every scream, "You stupid fucking," shove, "I told you," shove, "it makes me feel better!" shove. You sighed, "I'm sorry," running your hands on your face, sighing again, "Just, get the fuck out Stefan." You turned back to your cup, pouring the liquor, only to be stopped by Stefan, "No." Your blood boiled, "Get the fuck out!!" Stefan took the bottle from you, setting it back on the counter, "Not if when I leave you're just going to drink that."

You instantly threw your coffee cup, watching it shatter into pieces before grabbing the bottle and turning it up. You chugged and chugged until Stefan pulled it away from you, "You gonna fucking leave now?" Stefan stepped closer to you, hating the way the alcohol burned his nose, like a poison coming off of you, "Baby, I'm not going anywhere." You screamed, out of frustration or shame you weren't sure which, it was a blood curdling scream, slamming your hand down, hitting the liquor bottle cross the floor enjoying the way it shattered. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"You! This!" Stefan sighed, "You won't talk to me, you brush me off and act like this isn't something I should care about but it's been like this as long as I can remember, I'm worried, I can't protect-" You slammed your hands down on the counter over and over, kicking the cabinets and laughing, "Jesus Christ Stefan, I don't need your protection!" Stefan grabbed your hands, turning you to him as gently as he could, your strength diminished from the bottle of alcohol you chugged, "I want to protect you, I want to, I know you don't need it, I want to," his voice to a whisper at the end of his plea, "I want to," his hand moved from your wrist to your face, "I love you, I want you to be around as long as possible, I need to protect you, you don't need me to, I do."

You sighed, your forehead resting on his, "I love you too," you pulled your wrists back, "I'm sorry." Starting to pull away from him to clean the mess up, he was gone and back before you noticed the mess was gone. "Talk to me," Stefan said as you walked past him, sitting on the couch. "I hate myself," you sighed, "I'm so weak and puny, I feel like I'm always in the way," you shrugged, "I get so angry all the time, maybe not even at other people, really at myself," leaning against Stefan as he put his arm around you, "Drinking helps, really?" he asked hoping to hear an honest response. "If I'm honest? No, I just feel like it's better than feeling like this all the time."

Stefan slid his arm under your legs, his free arm moving your arm around his neck before moving around your waist and standing up. "What?" You looked up at him, he smiled, "I have something that might help." In the next moment, you guys were out of your house and watching everything rush by until you hit forest. Suddenly Stefan stopped running, setting you down gently, smiling, "I was gonna show you to this on our anniversary, it's not finished yet, but I don't see why we can't go ahead and visit."

You started to ask what he meant until you saw it-near dead ahead was a large clearing, but it had been worked on, there was a stack of rocks with one slab of rock covered in the softest moss you'd ever touched, "So you can read and do homework comfortably," Stefan said, pointing up to the makeshift roof of vines that you now notice wrap around the trees, making a circle around the clearing, you loudly gasp, taken by the beauty and effort he's already put into this for you, for your relationship.

You continue to look around as he points to an obvious training area, he smiles, "I know that you've been struggling, but I didn't realize how much," he moved closer to you, his front now pressed against your back, arms encircling your waist, chin resting on your shoulder, whispering in your ear, "I'm gonna have Bonnie protect it, it's gonna be just us here, me n you gonna relax, you're gonna read over there, train over there, we can put a table for picnicking over there-" he points to an area that is close to the moss bed, "and lots of flowers and colors, to always brighten our day, gonna put a vine door-" you turned around and kissed him.

Your hands were on the side of his face, hair intertwining with his hair, he lifted you up, your legs circling his waist, you feel him smile. You pulled back, "I love it, thank you, this is going to be great," you kissed him again, "you know, it is our space, I could help you put stuff together, whatever you wanted to add." Stefan nodded, kissing your forehead, "I think when you wanna drink we should come here." You kissed under his ear, trailing down his neck, "two conditions," Stefan hummed, moving his head to the side he allowed you more access as he pressed you against one of the many trees that circled the clearing.

"Well, we'll come here when I wanna drink, if we'll come here when you get hungry," Stefan let out a small groan as you bit his neck gently, loving how he pulled your hair. "And the second?" He asked as your hands traced down his torso, grabbing the hem of his shirt, "you fuck me, now." He smiled, kissing you hard, and the next thing you know, you're sitting on the edge of the moss bed. "Easy," he pulls off your shirt, admiring your body for a moment, "it's a deal."

[teenwolffan-with-nolife]

Needed You

Word Count: 1,551

Characters: Isaac Lahey, Reader, mentions of OC Characters

Pairings: Isaac Lahey x Platonic!Reader

Warnings: angst, mentions of abuse, mentions of death, possible cliffhanger idk?

A/N: pls send requests for isaac i missed writing for him

A/N 2: bro wtf was this ep of TFAWS idek what I have to say abt it-

A/N 3: part two?

Masterlist

You leaned against your locker, watching as Isaac ran down the hallway with his new friends, passing by you once again, without even noticing. He had a big smile on his face, which was never unusual, even through all his pain and hardships he always managed to stay happy. But this smile was different. It was more of an evil smile, something that made you uncomfortable.

That was only a small change of what happened with Isaac. New friends, new clothes, new attitude. If it wasn't for his hair, you wouldn’t be able to recognize the boy in front of you. Someone who used to be your best friend, who you’d rely on for everything, someone that you were there for.

As time went on, you had only assumed you would never lose Isaac. The bond the two of you had was unbreakable. Or so you thought. Your mother used to crack jokes about you marrying Isaac, due to the bond you had with him. You’d never felt that way about anyone else.

Your mind ran past the thought of your mom as you clenched your jaw, taking a deep breath. Your mother was gone, had been for a while. But not that anyone knew.

You sniffled softly, before hearing the bell ringing, while you entered the classroom.

“Partner up,” you heard your teacher say.

You kept your head down, before seeing the shadow of someone sitting next to you.

“Partners?” you heard Isaac's voice as you sighed softly.

“Actually…” you started.

“Oh, c’mon we both know that you don't like anyone else,” he instantly began to tease you as you rolled your eyes, annoyed.

He was trying to act as nothing happened, and that he didn't spend all those past months ignoring you completely.

“Fine,” you replied softly.

You rested your head on your hand before looking at the board, doing the assignment.

---

“Are you scared?” Isaac's voice was small as the two of you stood in front of Beacon Hills High.

“No, are you?” you lied, looking up at the building.

“No,” he replied.

“Are you lying?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he sighed.

You reached for his hand, before taking a big breath.

“It’s okay, Isaac. Remember, we’ll always have each other, right?” you asked softly.

He nodded his head, before the two of you gave a small smile to each other, before opening the door, entering your new school for the first time.

---

“(Y/N)!” Isaac ran down the hall, making his way to you as you scratched your forehead, before turning around to face him.

“Yeah?” you asked.

“I went by your house last night? You didn't tell me you moved?” he asked, frowning slightly.

You dug your nails into your palms before nodding your head.

“I live with my uncle now,” you replied.

“Your uncle? I thought you hated your uncle,” he replied.

“He’s not that bad,” you muttered, opening your locker.

“Well, you told me that he has a drinking problem. And he gets scary and mean,” your eyes watered slightly before you rubbed them away.

“I don’t really have a choice,” you said.

“Why not? What about your mom?” he asked.

“I have to go to class, Isaac,” you closed your locker, taking a deep breath before you walked away from him.

---

“Isaac?” you knocked at his door, walking in slowly as he wrapped his arms around himself, rocking slightly.

The lights were off, you could barely make out his figure.

“Isaac,” you walked further into his room, turning on a lamp next to his bed while he flinched.

“Sorry,” you walked to him, putting your hand on his shoulder.

“My mom-” his voice broke as you wrapped your arms around him.

“I know, I know,” you pressed a kiss to his forehead, rocking with him slightly before he buried his head in your arms.

“I want her back,” he cried softly.

You buried your face in his hair, resting your head on top of his as he cried softly, clinging onto you tightly.

“Please don’t leave me,” he whispered.

“I’m not gonna leave you, Isaac. I’m right here,” you continued to caress his back, before the two of you laid down onto his bed, continuing to hold each other before slowly drifting off to sleep.

---

“(Y/N)!” you poked your head up, hearing someone calling your name from outside your house as you frowned.

You walked towards your window, seeing Isaac standing in the backyard.

“Isaac, what the hell are you-” you started.

“Open the window!” he yelled.

You raised an eyebrow, slightly confused as you opened the window, waiting a minute before he climbed in.

You immediately took notice to his bruises and cuts as you gasped, leading him to your bed.

“What the hell happened to you?!” you yelled.

“Keep it down! I don't want your mom to hear!” he whispered loudly.

You looked out the door, before closing it.

“D-Did you get into a-a fight or something? Oh my god,” you ran to your bathroom, grabbing your first aid kit.

His eyes instantly watered.

“This is gonna sting,” you pressed the alcohol wipe to his wound, hearing him wince.

“What happened to you?” your eyes began to water as you looked at his broken figure.

“M-My… My dad. H-He just got s-so mad, and…” he couldn't finish his words before he bit his lip, taking a shaky breath.

You felt your heart drop as you continued cleaning his wounds.

“Isaac…” your voice broke.

“I messed up, really, really badly,” he cried softly.

“No, i-it’s not your fault. God, we need to tell my mom, she can help,” you started, reaching for your door.

“No!” he ran to you, pulling you back.

“Isaac!” you started.

“No! You can’t tell anyone,” he shook his head.

“What? Isaac…” 

“No! (Y/N), please. I’m begging you just please don't say a word to anyone,” he cried softly, holding your hands.

“H-How am I supposed to help you?”

“I don't need you to help me. I just need my best friend to be here for me,” his eyes were bloodshot as you cried softly.

You nodded your head, before wrapping your arms around his shaking figure.

“Can I spend the night?” he asked.

“Of course you can,” you sniffled.

He nodded softly, as you led him to your bed, laying down with him.

---

“Why do you keep running away from me? (Y/N),” you wiped the tears from your eyes as you continued walking, hearing Isaac calling behind you.

“I had a really long day. I just want to go home, Isaac,” you replied, trying to hide your feelings.

“Why do you keep ignoring me?” you clenched your jaw, exhaling harshly as you continued walking.

“(Y/N)!” he yelled.

You froze, before letting out a frustrated sigh, turning to face him as his face dropped slightly.

“Why are you crying?” he asked softly.

“I just need you to leave me alone,” you shook your head.

“(Y/N)-”

“Stop, Isaac! Stop acting like we’re friends again! Stop acting like everything can go back to normal and we’re friends after you spend months avoiding me!” you yelled, taking him by surprise as he jumped slightly.

“I know, but-”

“There’s no but! All I want is for you to leave me alone, so why can’t you just do that?” your tears were falling freely as he kept quiet, unsure of what to say.

“I just wanted things to go back to before. I thought if I acted like nothing happened, we would be okay,” he said softly.

“It’s too late to pretend nothing happened,” your voice broke as you ran your fingers through your hair.

“Isaac, I've been by your side for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been there for you whenever you needed me. B-But…” you could barely make it through your sentence before your voice wavered.

“I needed you when my mom died but you just avoided me. And you kept avoiding me a-and ignoring me. You made me feel like I didn't matter to you, that our friendship meant nothing. That hurt. I don’t need you coming back here and making all that pain come back,” you cried softly.

“I’m so sorry, (Y/N). You have to believe me, I-I wanted to be with you, I wanted to be by your side but I couldn't. I can’t explain and I know it sounds so shitty and I know what I did to you was terrible,” he stroked your cheek softly, looking down at you.

“I can’t explain how sorry I am or how much you mean to me. I-I need you as much as you need me. Please, just-” you moved away from him as he paused.

“I need you to leave me alone. I don’t need you in my life,” you saw his tears falling from his eyes as your heart began to ache more and more.

“I have to get home, I’m running late,” you sniffled, before you wiped your eyes.

“Goodbye, Isaac,” you walked away from him as he stood frozen, holding back his cries.

Your heart felt like it could leap out of your chest as you ran down the street, holding in your cries.

You knew you needed him, but you couldn't go through that pain, not again.

[swannbreezethesweet]

Headcannon about Nesta and her time at the Illyrian camp. Part 1

Part 2

It takes Nesta a month to leave the tiny house she and Cassian are staying in.

(It’s bigger than the cottage her family had lived in - it’s a house).

She would have gone to the tavern to drink her feelings into oblivion but the stares she gets from the Illyrians are not kind.

A few people had sneared at her when she’d arrived and the word Witch had spread like wildfire through the camp.

That insipid man Devlon had actually snarled at Cassian to “keep the witch away.”

She’d decided that she’d had enough of being forsaken for one day anyway.

It made her chest start to feel like it was imploding.

Besides Rhys owned the house she was staying at - she’d find his hidden stash of liquor.

She didn’t.

Turns out the holier-than-thou patrons of the inner circle had taken care of that before shipping her out here.

Nesta had taken her anger about it out on Cassian.

She’d taken a lot of her anger out on Cassian that first week.

Screaming at him when he wouldn’t tell her where the spirits where.

Snapping at him every time they interacted.

No she didn’t want a tour of the camp.

No she didn’t eat the food he’d made her, it probably tasted like ash anyways. It didn’t. It was some of the best comfort food she’d tasted.

No she didn’t want to go train with him - She’d survived the war without his training, she’d be fine now.

Besides, she’d yelled at him one day when she was feeling too much and too little at the same time, it wouldn’t matter if she died anyway.

Cassian’s face had crumpled instantly and Nesta had regretted opening her mouth even faster.

She didn’t come out of her room for the next 24 hours and refused to look at Cassian directly for a good few days longer.

It was better that way, she reasoned, looking at him interacting with him made her feel things. Better to just be numb.

She couldn’t go around saying stupid shit that got the overgrown bastard checking in on her every two hours if she was numb.

Dealing with the bonfires was worse.

The fire in the house was okay - she could escape to her room and press and sheet against the bottom of the door and be okay.

But she couldn’t get away from the sound of the bonfires.

Their snaps and crackles were so loud it’d left Nesta immobile that first night. Immobile and without anything to keep her warm.

The fire snapped and she’d hear her father’s neck snap with it.

The fire crackled and Nesta saw the light leave her father’s eyes.

Regret weighed her body down like a boulder on a rock; pulverising until she was nothing and no one.

He was sorry and he’d cared and he’d remembered his daughters and she hadn’t thought it in years but she loved him. She loved him and he cared and they were going to fix things and they’d get better, she’d get better. Together.

It didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.

Nesta had come to the next morning with hands so blue she had to soak them in her bathroom sink for over an hour, gradually adding warm water bit by bit.

Now she just wore all her layers all the time.

So it was about a month into her stay when she left the house for the first time.

She’d read all the books she’d brought with her three times over now. And she was bored.

She’d been napping on and off for the last two days and Cassian was away on some errand or something for his High Eminences.

He’d probably be gone for the rest of the week

Feyre could have at least left Cassian around for Nesta to pick fights with. It was her birthday.

The stupid voice in her head told her that her sisters had forgotten her birthday; forgotten her.

A meaner voice told her they remembered but didn’t care. Why would they, all she did was fuck everything up.

So no, Nesta couldn’t nap today and Arthur’s love affair with his wife’s handmadien just wasn’t doing it for her right now.

She decided to make a day of it, going out to find more books. She didn’t have anything better to do.

She washed her clothes and had a bath.

She washed her hair - which was something she hadn’t done it about a week - and remembered how good it actually felt to have clean hair.

She made her bed while she was waiting for favourite jumper to dry.

It was the softest thing she owned okay and it made her feel good and she’d be damned if she was going to face the outside world without it.

It was well past lunch by the time she was ready to leave the house. And a part of her - the part that wanted her to rage and suffer - whispered ideas of staying in the house taking a nap. After all, she’d already achieved something today - she could go tomorrow.

But no, she needed those new books and it was her birthday. She was allowed to want things on her birthday.

The camp wasn’t huge. There were training grounds and houses and like a total of three shops.

Nesta got lost anyways.

She thought she’d go past the training grounds and not the houses to try and avoid as many people as she could.

Cassian was often in the kitchen at this time of day; making sure she’d eaten something or at the very least had something to grab - insufferable.

It also has something to do with those crazy brutes wanting to train through the hottest part of the day for endurance or something but Nesta wasn’t really paying attention when Cassian explained why he was making lunch so late.

Nesta hadn’t asked and she certainly didn’t care.

But yeah, Nesta was a bit lost.

There were two paths she had to chose from and she had not clue whatsoever as to which one she should choose.

She chose the right path.

It was the wrong path.

Instead of houses and shops she found tents. (If she could even call them that).

They were dismal things really, pieces of canvas hung between two trees over piles of pine needles.

There was mold on the sheet of canvas next to her.

The tips of two sets of wings could be seen behind a tree not far from her.

Nesta didn’t want to think about what it meant that there were children here who where hiding behind a tree and not an adult.

She knew what the war had cost the Illyrians.

Knew a lot of those deaths where her fault.

If she had just —

It didn’t matter.

She called out to the kids.

The two of them emerged from behind the tree and Nesta felt her heart stutter.

It was a boy and a girl; the boy couldn’t have been older than 8 and girl looked like she was barely 3.

Both wore thick jackets, covered in mud and leaves and pine needles, that came down to their knees.

Nesta was willing to gamble that it wasn’t by design.

Do you live here? She asked them.

The boy tensed and placed his hands on the shoulders of the little girl who stared at her with wide eyes; she was holding what looked like a rag in her hands.

They didn’t need to answer. Nesta knew. But watching the boy dart his eyes to her right; to the piece on canvas next to her, no, to the small sack hidden beneath the pine needles there, broke something inside of Nesta.

She wanted to scream at someone. How dare the world treat these kids so harshly.

Nesta reached down to pick the bag up and a quick glance at its contents had nearly made her gag. In it was half a loaf of bread, some mouldy cheese and a half rotten apple.

She thought of all the food back at the house. Of the cans of soup that lined half the pantry’s shelves and fresh loaf of bread that appeared like magic every time she ran out. She thought of the fruit bowl that she would have killed for as a child in that decrepit cottage and how she hadn’t touched anything in it in days.

And Nesta refused, refused, to be another snooty nosed villager who spat on the poor.

Her fist tightened around the sack.

I have more food than I can eat at my place, She told the children in front of her, you’re welcome to all of it if you want.

Nesta didn’t wait to see if the kids would follow her. She didn’t look as she dropped the sack to the ground and went back the way she came.

If they didn’t want to follow her for food fine. Not her problem. They could stay in that hell hole and eat that moldy food.

And if Nesta was relieved when she heard a timid knock at the back door of the house once she’d gotten home no one had to know.

I have more but like idk if I’ll make it a story or what. Please let me know what you think - this is the first time I’ve done this.

[sorry-but-we-have-moved]

The ABSOLUTE CRAZIEST shit happened on my Sims 3 game last night, so i’m going to make a long list detailing the events in chronological order.

Also note, my Sims are both fictional characters and OCs living on this resort-type lot. The lot is custom built, and the main focal point of the story is the pool, which is located in the center of the lot. In hindsight, this all could have been avoided had i had more step-ladders and had never added a fence around the edges to prevent Sims from climbing out. Also, it probably didn’t help that i used a trick to merge the basement with the pool, a trick that proves itself to be very buggy. I’ll be referring to Sims by their first names, and i’m only tagging/including the ones that are relevant to the story.

- The household i’m controlling is 8 people, 2 older adults and 6 younger adults, 7 are related to one another. At the beginning of this story, they’re all pretty spread out and split up in the place.

-Alice, the oldest youngster, is the only one at the pool besides her father Jack. She jumps in via diving board.

- ^ Seeing this, Jack decides to enter the nearby bar to “express fear of swimming” to Mei, who is listening to a woman named Salotta play piano. Mei doesn’t seem to want to respond to Jack, or she’s too enthralled with the piano playing to pay attention. He sits and waits there for many, many minutes.

- Meanwhile, Alice(OC) is already out of the pool, which is now filled to the brim with other sims. I initially don’t see this as a problem because they’re still able to swim around and use the ladders. What i don’t realize is the ones who have to wait on others to climb out are the ones in danger.

- Jack finally gives up trying to tell Mei of the impending disaster and just turns to face the piano player and listen. Again, i figure since he’s no longer worried about the pool, that the trouble is over. How wrong i am.

- Seconds later, Hoang(OC) drowns. Everyone’s first reaction is to immediately try and leave the pool.

Then, after climbing out, Lucio makes his way onto the water slide and re-enters the pool Hoang just died in.

- A majority of them just never leave the pool, in fact they started having a fucking breath holding contest. BLU Scout and Candie(OC), nearby also holding a contest are Troy and Alice. The choices Sims make in the face of death truly astound me.

- At this point, Hoang appears to have been blipped from existence because there’s no ghost, no corpse, no urn or gravemarker, and no sign of the Grim Reaper coming to get his body. The only one who’s reacting to his death is Guthard(OC) because they shared a household. Guthard also happened to be present in the pool when Hoang died.

- Back in the bar, everyone is reacting to the drowning with symbols that suggest they want to try to find Hoang’s body in the pool but can’t. Everyone in the pool appears stuck, like they, too, are searching or they’re just in total shock.

- ^ Remember, Jack has the Hydrophobia trait. He has a fear of swimming, and knew something bad was going to happen with the pool. But, against his better judgement he is now IN that very pool, looking highly distressed but again, he put himself in there. Also, people are still having underwater contests cause that’s what you do when someone drowns. - Also, he just casually turns into Jesus because of course he does:

- ^ The Grim Reaper finally shows up to try to collect Hoang’s ghost. But there’s a problem. He, like others, is climbing into the pool to try to find the body, but it’s not there. So he spends a good few minutes climbing in and out of the pool from different floors, taking the nearby tube elevators as he does.

- Suddenly, ANOTHER person drowns, this time it’s Akande (Doomfist). Now, HIS death is really fucky for several reasons. Shortly after he drowns, EVERYONE that was in the pool suddenly ascends through the roof of the lot. The only remaining Sim is Ashe because she was taking the water slide.

- After some searching, i find everyone NOT on the roof, but on the bottom floor in the basement area. Outside of the pool somehow.

- Now Akande is wandering around, apparently trapped in physical form so he’s not going to be collected to go to the underworld anytime soon:

-He produces TWO, i repeat, TWO gravemarkers in his name. One of these, i’m assuming is Hoang’s and the name’s just a misprint by the game, but there’s another glitch going on that is absolutely hilarious. - Akande is technically a ghost according to the game, since he started phasing through walls and doing the floating animation. But at the same time, he doesn’t have the ghost texture, and he’s able to interact with the environment like he never died, with the added bonus that he can haunt things and people.

- ^ Angela, whom always has some form of interaction with him in previous playthroughs, decides to strike up a casual conversation with him now that he’s a permanent ghost resident. Gabriel (Reaper), who’d been absent this entire time, suddenly rushes to the scene and looks at Akande like “oh what the f***?” - And just like other playthroughs Akande makes a mean comment to Angela which she berates him for before leaving. Even while dead, he’s still an ass.

- ^ I check on the other members of the household to see how they’re handling the chaos, Hazel(OC) is just in the kitchen sharing a canned soup lunch with Jenny(OC) so i’d say this didn’t get to him too much. Also, Akande decides to get himself a ghost salad from the mini-fridge:

- After eating the salad he goes and grabs one of the soccer balls from the “item shop” i have set up on the lot. Then everyone walks in and grabs a ball for themselves, now they’re taking soccer lessons from Akande’s ghost

- Alice, for some reason, goes all the way to the opposite end of the lot to play soccer not with Akande, but with BLU Scout from earlier - Akande sees himself in one of the mirrors on the lot and thinks he looks pretty good as a ghost - Then he goes upstairs and haunts a telescope for a few minutes

- ^ This also happens - Third drowning death happens out of nowhere, and it’s Juelle(OC). This leads to a cascade effect and Jenny(OC) drowns around the same time, and despite me taking the time to actually delete some of the fence now that i’ve suspected it to be the problem, it doesn’t prevent the next several deaths from happening - Mei is the next one to drown. And Angela just. Decided to quicken the process:

Mercy said “No heals 4 U” - Junkrat and Roadhog end up dying together which idk whether to be happy or sad about that, either way they died a couple - Candie and Tyreen go down next, followed by Ashe and Salotta (The piano player from earlier) - Lucio dies right next to the fucking step-ladder like he was gonna climb out and then just gave up

Like seriously dude - Troy lasted a pretty damn long time in this cursed fucking pool, but then he drowns as well:

- Akande is still living as a fucking ghost btw, and he’s casually floating past the pool as all of this happens like “hm. interesting.” - The Grim Reaper, meanwhile, FINALLY gets around to sending ghosts into the underworld. Sometimes people walk by it, react to it like it’s a roadshow, and go about their business. Just some normal everyday shit, y’know? - When he finishes, Grim goes down to the laundry room and does laundry for everyone, only to leave a soggy pile of clothes on the floor in front of the washing machine.

- ^ He also goes upstairs and mops up a puddle someone made, i guess someone pissed themselves seeing him or the ghosts - Laughs while pointing at Gabriel (mad he took the moniker of Reaper i guess?) and then just poofs out-of-scene - Moira starting mourning Akande and Roadhog (Junkrat and Roadhog were part of the Talon household cause convenience) in the kitchen which makes Akande start ghost crying - At this point the population on this lot has been dramatically reduced, so it’s actually impossible to fill it up to the point of overcrowding. And it seems that everyone’s learned their lesson, and they never get in the pool ever again. They just walk past it on their way to the bar or something. Also, shockingly, no one from my active household ended up dying. - However, Kyle(OC) ended up frozen for a few minutes because he was going to mourn basically EVERYONE who ended up drowning and that filled his action queue too full. I had to cancel the actions so he could use the bathroom and get some sleep

- TLDR This story ultimately ends, entire households have been decimated, pets have lost their owners to a fucking pool, i can’t do anything with the gravemarkers even on my own community lot, no one wants to go swimming ever again in their lives, i think i now have PTSD

ᴼᴷᴬʸ ᵗᶦᵐᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ᵗᵃᵍᵍᶦⁿᵍ ʰᵒˡʸ ˢᴴᴵᵀ

[pink-imagines]

angel on earth

part 5

request: Bakugou holds auditions for a new lead singer for the BakuBand and the reader auditions and he’s mesmerised by her voice? Idk, I’m awful at requesting, sorry. ❤️ Love everything you do, don’t stress, and have a good day!

a/n: i just wanted a fluff episode to give katsuki some happiness and love

warnings: mentions of physical abuse, but the rest is extremely fluffy except an angsty cliffhanger

masterlist

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4

There was a desperate knock on his door, he almost couldn’t hear it over the rain smattering against the window, so Katsuki went away from doing the dishes after his dinner. He really just thought it was Denki or Sero, who usually stopped by if they didn’t feel like making or just ordering dinner. They would never admit that it was because they liked Katsuki’s cooking, and Katsuki didn’t mind. If he knew that it wasn’t them he’d put a shirt on and throw the towel around his neck in the laundry basket.

He opened up the door and Y/N was on the other side, drenched from the rain. Katsuki was too flustered to see that she was crying. He was about to say something when Y/N wrapped her arms tightly around him and sobbed against his chest.

“Y/N-...”

She hadn’t said anything at all since she came to his house. Katsuki had helped her with the shower, given her new clothes and made her a cup of tea. That was all he could do until he knew what was going on.

“What’s happened to you, Y/N...?”, he sighed, not even meaning for you to hear as he’s finishing up the dishes.

“Aito and I had a fight...”, you croaked from your place on the counter, where you were sitting with a cup of tea in your hands. He looked at you with sad eyes, if it’d be any other moment he’d be immensley happy seeing you in his clothes even if you basically drowned in them, but tonight is not the time.

I’m going to fucking kill him if he even touched so much as a hair on her head..., he thought, though it was obvious to see his intentions in his eyes.

“He didn’t hit me, Katsuki... he hasn’t... he hasn’t done that in a long time.”, she shut her eyes tight as she splurted out the last part.

“What!?”, Katsuki exploded with rage, “He’s done it before!? That’s it! I’m going to fucking murder him!” Y/N’s gentle hands grabbed onto Katsuki’s bicep and stopped him from walking out of the kitchen.

“Don’t!-... Katsuki, just... don’t bother with it.”, you muttered, “It’s too late now, anyways... and I don’t want him to get in trouble.”

“Y/N, he fucking hit you! Why do you even care about him anymore!?”, his heart broke when he saw how she flinched when he yelled at her, “I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

“It’s fine... just don’t do anything to him. He’s still a nice person, you know.”, her eyes had nothing behind them when she said that, like she was programmed.

“Okay, then let’s not talk about him. I’m guessing you don’t want to stop by his place to get your stuff so we’ll get some mandatory stuff tomorrow.”, he said softly, as if she could break if he spoke too loud.

“Thank you, Katsuki.”, she smiled for the first time during the night and Katsuki couldn’t be happier.

“You can sleep in my bed, I’ll take the couch.”, he muttered and helped her down from the counter.

-

The next morning you woke up to the sun beaming in through the window... but you didn’t have a window facing the sunrise. You looked down and saw clean white sheets... this is Katsuki’s bed. When you looked at what you were wearing you didn’t recognize it. This is Katsuki’s shirt!

And so memories of last night started flowing back, only to be stopped by a knock at the door. He didn’t wait for a response, he just walked in.

“Goodmor-”

“DID YOU SEE ME NAKED LAST NIGHT!?”, you squeaked and pulled the covers over your chest.

“WHAT!? NO!”, he shrieked, “I gave you my shirt so that you could change! Unless you wanted to sleep in a hoodie and sweatpants!” You looked around and saw the hoodie and sweatpnast neatly folded, like you usually did with your clothes.

“Oh... I’m sorry for yelling.”, you gave him apologetic smile, “Goodmorning!”

“You don’t have to apologies, tch.”, he sighed and walked away from the bedroom, “Breakfast is ready, by the way.” You walked over to the chair where you put your clothes and pulled on the sweatpants before walking out to his kitchen.

It smelled of bacon and eggs, making your stomach rumble. On the table he had put two plates and two cups of tea, and your heart did a flip. You had never had breakfast like this, ever since you finished college early and moved in with Aito. You couldn’t pay your tuition anymore so you started taking random jobs and tried to play a few gigs here and there. But when you were in college, as a music major, you had a roommate that you always used to make breakfast with together.

“It smells great.”, you smiled at him and had an odd urge to kiss him on the cheek, but you didn’t.

“It’s just something simple. I thought we could use this if we gotta go out and get you some new stuff.”, he sat down in front of you, “Unless you want to borrow my clothes all the time.” You honestly wouldn’t mind that... his clothes smelled like caramel and he used a really nice wash detergent.

“Yeah, of course. I think I have my wallet in the pocket of my jacket.”, you nodded.

“It’s fine, I’ll pay for it.”, he shrugged.

“No, I can’t possibly make you do that!”, you exclaimed.

“Don’t worry about it, I haven’t been out shopping in a while so I’ll get some stuff for myself too. Besides, I don’t mind spending money, if it’s on you.”, his eyes somehow looked directly at your sould through your eyes.

“Okay... thank you, then.”, you said with a smile, “This is really good by the way.”

So here you were, in the mall. You looked like shit, but at least your jeans had dried from last night so that you could wear those instead of Katsuki’s too big sweatpanst. 

“So how long do you think you’re staying at my place?”, he asked you suddenly.

“I... um...”, you really didn’t know how to answer that. You didn’t want to overstay, but you also didn’t know when you’d get back to Aito.

“Okay, bad question...”, Katsuki nodded, “What is it that you need the most, then?”

“Well, toothbrush and toothpaste... and um... clothes and... uh...”, you couldn’t say it. Why couldn’t you say it? It’s literally just underwear, everyone has it. But there was something about looking at him and saying the word underwear that you couldn’t do. His gaze burned into your skin and you felt so uncomfortable.

“You don’t have to say it, I get what you mean.”, Katsuki kept on walking, “Mina called earlier today and said you could borrow some clothes, so that problem’s fixed.”

“That’s so nice of her!”, you smiled.

“She’s always put other’s before herself like that.”, he chuckled, “But why don’t you go get your stuff and I’ll grab you a toothbrush and some toothpaste.”

“Thank you, Katsuki.”, you smiled thankfully.

You went into a random clothing store and started looking at the underwear. You didn’t need anything fancy, just some basic stuff that was comfortable. When you had picked up some stuff you went to the check out.

-

Katsuki had gotten the toothbrush and was looking around for the toothpaste. It felt weird, he had never been like this for someone... completely fucked. He would really do anything for her.

So when he saw Aito down the aisle... with another girl, flirting... he got outraged. It had been one day! He was just about to say something to Aito when he stopped himself. Y/N wouldn’t like this, he shouldn’t do this... he needs to calm down. Katsuki, instead, kept his rage inside and walked out of the store with the things he needed.

-

“You ready to go?”, someone asked behind you, making you jump 10 feet into the air.

“Katsuki! Don’t scare me like that!”, you put a hand over your chest and breathed out, “I just need to go buy this, alright?”

“Okay, hand ‘em over.”, he said calmly, as if it was nothing.

“What?”, you laughed nervously.

“I’m paying for it, hand ‘em over.”, he stretched out his hand to you.

“No... Katsuki, I can’t make you do that- I’m already staying at your place!”, you explained.

“You’re not making me do anything. Now, let me pay for it.”, he managed to grab them and walked over to the cashier with you following closely behind. You tried your best to plead with him, asking if you could pay half atleast. He didn’t budge and simply said that it wasn’t like he spent thousands and thousands on you.

Back at Katsuki’splace there was a box outside the door with the word “clothes” written in big bold letters on it.

“That’s probably from Mina.”, Katsuki commented and grabbed the box before walking inside the apartment.

-

What was he supposed to do? Should he wait? Should he do something? Is he supposed to talk to her? Y/N was in the bathroom, trying on the clothes that Mina had lended her.

Just as he was about to say something, the door to the bathroom opened.

“What do you think?”, Y/N asked shyly as she walked out in a dress. It was a dress that Mina had worn once and then decided it wasn’t her style. A white dress with blue flowers on it, sinched in at the waist and flaired out at the bottom. She looked like a dream.

“I-... you look...”, his face went completely red and he couldn’t figure out what he said.

“It looks horrible, doesn’t it?”, you frowned.

“No! No...”, he sighed, “You... you look lovely.” The way your smile lit up your eyes and somehow made you glow so bright by his little comment... Katsuki felt like he could take over the world.

And so a few weeks past and Katsuki only grew closer to Y/N. The days were spent practicing, cozying up on the couch and trying, but failing to cook together. He was a great cook, but you were an even greater distraction.

Katsuki tried his best not to fall further in love with her... but oh god it was hard.

It was just after a gig when he finally asked.

“Hey, you wanna go out?”, he asked nonchalantly.

“Do you mean right now?”, she furrowed her eyebrows together.

“Uh... yeah sure. Just for like a drink, y’know?”, he backed out last second.

“Let’s go!”, she smiled and took his hand, leading him out of the building.

It was a chilly december night, so the two hurried up to a bar not too far away. You were lucky that it wasn’t very populated and Katsuki quickly found a spot by the bar. 

“The fans seem to like you.”, Katsuki said after ordering two drinks.

“Well... I think it’s mostly because of you welcoming me into the band so much.”, she chuckled, “If you don’t mind me asking... why did you let me join the band?”

“I...”, he sighed and let out a slight chuckle, “You’re good, what else do I say?”

“That’s all? I mean, the other people had to be good too!”, she laughed and thanked the bartender when he brought her the drinks. He couldn’t possibly lie to her.

“You’re interesting. Have a certain... stage presence, if you will.”, Katsuki said slowly, dragging everything out, “... and I really like the way you sang my song.” He took a shot before ordering another.

“Angel on earth? You wrote it? I thought you wrote the rock songs...”, she grinned and took a sip of her drink, making him look down at her lips.

“Well, I do. I just got a different kind of muse for that song.”, he got his shot and downed it, ordering a normal drink after.

“Tell me about her, then. She has to be special if you change your entire genre for her. You met her at a coffee shop, right?”, she looked so intrigued, like an old college friend catching up with his love life.

“Uh... yeah, it was at a coffee shop.”, he smiled to himself, “She was... almost glowing. She looked like an angel.”

“Woah... did you start dating? Why haven’t I met her?”, she grinned.

You are her!

“I... I didn’t really talk to her. I saw her across the room.”, he admitted with a sigh.

“What!? Are you kidding me!?”, she laughed, “You wrote an entire song about her and you didn’t even talk to her!? God! She really had to be pretty for you to write a song about her! Especially if you compared her to an angel!”

“If you only knew...”, Katsuki chuckled again.

-

The night was spent with a few drinks and lots of laughs. The song left your thoughts as you just learned to have fun. Your weeks spent with Katsuki had been unusual, but absolutely amazing. Every emotion felt, every smile shared, had been so lovely.

Only for it to be ruined in one night...

[daisychvins]

｡･ﾟﾟ･ — introduction.

introducing ... violet’s demise ! aka grayson aka her big brother she’s been wiring money to stay away in europe <33333

name: grayson swag money jeon  age: 22 turning 23 (don’t ask me about his sign that’s for liza to figure out someday <3) gender: cis male; he/him hometown: baltimore, maryland sexuality: bisexual & biromantic

listen i was feeling rlly committed to completing his stats but i’m already over it so don’t ask dont tell xx anYWAYS let’s get on to the juicy stuff hehe

i tend to ramble a lot so this intro is gonna be probably a mixture of paragraphs and bullet points and everything in between but let’s start simple. also i rlly wanna emphasize a massive DRUGS TW bc his character largely revolves around his interest in and addiction to drugs

blackmails

grayson is claiming that he's been in a rehab program for the last year and is now completely sober and reformed when he really was just using the money to party and travel throughout europe.

without his parents paying to support him now, he's had to start dealing to make ends meet and keep up appearances. it’s mostly coke, but he dabbles in harder substances depending on what his connections can get him. 

grayson dabbles with calligraphy and was notorious for forging excuse notes and parent signatures all throughout high school and even now sells forgeries for a quick buck. the most notable of these was xavi’s letter of recommendation that helped him get into yale. 

background

grayson is violet’s older brother!!1 yes, that’s right, THE big brother who’s been out of the country getting LIT (and by lit i mean he’s been traveling europe on a series of solo trips w his parents’ money and doin lots of recreational drugs)

i haven’t fully fleshed out the dynamic he has w his parents but just know it’s ,, bad ASDHFJNK basically the jeons treated their children like accessories and expected them to be their little trophies and grayson just was not having that as a kid!!! so he acted out a lot and obviously got himself into a pretty bad scene (thank u goosie) and is basically the bane of his parents existence at this point <3 yet they still try to appease him to keep him under control but that’s for the family task to work out hehehehe

despite hating his parents, he adores both of his siblings. before the drug use started, he was always a big nurturer and would have done anything for either of them......now he wouldn’t be caught dead praising violet but he loves her in secret from afar HSJDFKG

yeah basically he met goose when he was around 15 i think????? and got introduced to drugs around 16 or 17 i wanna say and by the time he graduated high school he was just....a much different person than the soft big brother he used to be. his parents sent him off to europe pretty much as soon as he turned 18 under the guise of going to school internationally, but grayson obviously knew the truth and understood that he was being sent away so he wouldn’t be his parents problem anymore. 

he basically spent the last four years galavanting europe and just....trying to enjoy it???? but it’s hard to enjoy an extended vacation when u have no family or friends on ur side anymore </3 he basically used the money to stay in hostels and worked odd jobs here and there to stay afloat and keep supplied w the...special goods....but yeah lots of drugs, alcohol, sex, and recklessness but he DID learn a couple languages??? or at least enough to get through some pretty basic conversations in most european countries so <3 guess it’s all okay then!!!! 

anyways idk what else to put here that u won’t just find out in the family task so uhhhhhh idk lmk if u need anything else i guess

present/personality

so now grayson is just vibing at yale obviously ummm he actually got super into writing after high school, especially poetry. he used to carry journals full of just random prose about his addiction and his deepest thoughts, as well as probably some lighter stuff about his love escapades or maybe goose idk...basically he used poetry as an outlet and it allowed him to really ground himself and find his place in the world even if it didnt include who he thought it would SO with that being said, grayson got into yale due to a poetry competition he was a part of. he saw some big fancy competition being advertised and on a whim decided to submit some poem about his struggles with addiction and losing his family (a v raw piece that he didn’t expect to ever see the light of day) and he actually ended up winning! it caught yale’s attention and they invited him to apply and, knowing how much it would probably disturb his little sister, grayson very smugly applied and was pretty stoked to see he got in 

because that poem gained such publicity, it was assumed that he was a survivor of addiction and was writing from a sober perspective. he didn’t want to correct anyone, so he just went with it and has basically crafted this story about his massive success and has become an advocate for addiction treatment and rehabilitation. of course, none of the companies that sponsor him or the events that host him as a motivational speaker know that he’s snorting lines in the bathroom beforehand or dealing to half the elites, but that’s between grayson, god, and the blackmailer !

basically grayson showed back up because of violet’s blackmail being exposed. he was off in europe, unable to defend himself, and with a massive vendetta against his family so he decided what better way to reenter society than by publicly outing himself as a martyr <3333 his plan is basically to bash the family name to fulfill whatever angsty coming of age arc he has in store for him to make up for the pain of being sent away .... really angsty yeah </3 rip grayson 

anyways yeah he’s a total fake. he’s been using his status as a martyr to his advantage a lot, the best example being his recruitment into the elites. he guilted them into accepting him by discussing the PR benefits of recruiting a member that struggles with addiction and how supporting addiction treatment and second chances would be such a good look for them. like he basically threatened to publicly expose them for denying him due to his troubled past and accuse them of being exclusionary so they said boop ! ur in. now the elites are proud advocates for second chances <3333

i would describe grayson as fearless, overconfident, infamous due to his condition being exposed recently, a little gloomy, he’s kind of just got this chip on his shoulder and feels like he has something to prove....he’s gotta be better than his parents, gotta stick it to them and to violet and to everyone who doubts him. he’s a grumpy guy with a massive vendetta and a need for some kind of justice. he just doesn’t know what that is yet. despite all of the bad, however, he’s genuinely a pretty good guy. he’s really goofy and a genuine person, pretty friendly with literally everyone until they give him a reason not to be. basically, unless you are a member of the jeon family he probably likes you or is at least cordial to you (unless we plot differently ofc but u know). he’s just a big lovable dummy with some sweet drug connects and a knack for poetry. he also knows calligraphy but that’s beside the point . 

idk if this is enough to describe him but yeah if u have any questions just let me know hehe

this is probably gonna make things hard but considering violet was just exposed i think that he’s pretty new to yale ???? like probably just transferred in/started this spring semester rather than being here for the entire year/a prolonged amount of time so most of our plots will likely have to be newer/center on him first showing up OR we can establish their connections from pre-europe which is also fine w me....idk i didnt rlly think this timeline through so let’s just plot and see what happens aghbfjnd anyways i included some connection ideas to help us all just in case

wanted connections

i’d say he’s the honorary dealer of the elites aghbdfjn so literally anyone who needs a plug could be a potential connection. we can obviously tweak this and customize it to each character <3

maybe someone who met grayson in europe. they could have travelled together for an extended period of time or even just a brief encounter. he was over there for four years, so the possibilities are endless. 

building off the last one, this same connection could work with a romantic interest. maybe they were romantically involved for a time in europe and fell out of touch or maybe grayson/your muse just left in the middle of the night and they never saw each other again until now and maybe there’s some unresolved feelings/one-sided longing or need for closure. it could also be that they just hooked up whenever this person was in the area and that was that, no strings attached. 

maybe someone who genuinely believes that grayson is actually sober and really admires his strength and idk maybe they’re struggling w their own issues and seek advice from him or maybe they just make it harder for him to actually do his thing bc they’re constantly around and it’s not like they can catch him strung out and acting up 

someone in the literature department or with a background in english or writing. someone he could read poetry to, or share his favorite lines with. someone who’s taken the same professors and can tell him who to watch out for or what to expect. idk i just want him to have someone to share his passions with. maybe a little crush is forming? maybe they’re just friends who share a love of fiction? idk i’m open to literally anything 

he’s sort of a motivational speaker now bc he advocates for rehabilitation resources and stuff so like maybe ur muse saw him give a presentation or participate in some kind of seminar and they called bullshit on him after the show bc they were like,,, bro i literally saw u partying w max and avery last weekend what the fuck are u on about and now they could potentially hold that blackmail over his head hehe......

exes plots are always fun we love angst in this house 

fuck it let’s bring another family member BHJFNGKM no but grayson rlly is a nurturing guy and like....definitely develops unhealthy attachments to cope w his loss of family so he’d love all the sibling-like bonds he can get to kinda numb the pain of “””””losing””””” violet 

if none of these interest you i’m literally so down for anything pls just let me know and i’m happy to brainstorm always <333333 

thank u for reading this....smooch . 

[my-emotional-self]

Chris’ Helping Hands

Pairings: Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, Smut, Fluff

Request: Hey let me start by saying that I LOVE your stories I went through 3 or 4 in one night your work is very appreciated <3 idk if you’re taking requests but do you think it’s possible to have a story where the reader has a broken leg and the cast is a big long (above knee), Chris is her friend (or bf whatever you think would work) and he helps her with wearing / taking off shorts /  skirts since that’s all she can wear really and things go on from there smut and all J thank you

Requested By: anonymous

“I don’t know about this,” you said with worry, sitting in the front seat of Scott’s car as you nervously chewed on your lower lip.  

Scott turned to face you, a scoff coming out of his mouth.  “I don’t get why you are so worried about this Y/N,” he spoke with a laugh. “It’s not like I’m bringing you to a strangers house.  It’s Chris…my brother.”

“It’s not that Scott, it’s just….ugh,” you gave up trying to even explain what was going through your head.

Scott had been your best friend ever since high school when you moved to Sudbury to live with your aunt after your parents passed away.  You had no siblings and no other family.  Scott immediately took you under his wing when you met him during your very first class at school your freshman year.  

That first day of school you were going to take the bus home, but Scott wouldn’t let you. Instead, he said his older brother Chris would give you a ride home.  At the time, Chris was a Junior in high school and he had no qualms with bringing his brothers new friend home.  In fact, ever since that day, Chris picked you up and took you home each day. And ever since that first day of meeting Chris, you knew you were head over heels for him.  

You weren’t a fangirl or anything like that ever since Chris became famous.  No, he meant much more to you than that since you had known him before fame.  The only thing that truly sucked about the whole ordeal, is that he treated you like a sister.

Looking down at your left leg in a full cast from your feet to above your knee, you scolded yourself; it was the whole reason you were in this predicament.  

Being clumsy was just a way of life for you, and you tripped down a set of stairs at work; not watching where you were going.  It ended up in a break in your leg that made you have to be in a cast for at least six to eight weeks.

Luckily since it happened at work, it was fully covered and you were able to take time off with your short term disability.  The only problem with this whole ordeal?  You had to have someone care for you as your apartment didn’t have an elevator and you had nobody to help you up and down the stairs, let alone help you get around your apartment.    

Once you graduated from school, your aunt had retired and moved to Texas, so you had been on your own since then.  Scott had been helping care for you while he was home visiting his family and you stayed at his mom’s house with him.  But now he had to go back to Los Angeles for work and Chris offered to help you out since he was take a break from filming for the moment.  

As much as you told him he didn’t have to look after you, he wouldn’t take no for an answer; and that’s how you found yourself, nervous as a scared kitten, as Scott drove you to Chris’ house.  

~~~

The moment Scott hugged you goodbye and left you alone with Chris, your nerves really started to kick in. It wasn’t that you were nervous about being around Chris; it was the fact of what it entailed to care for you. Since your cast came just above your knee, you have much difficulty bending and doing basic tasks such as getting dressed.  With Scott, it was easy because he was an openly gay man, so it wasn’t awkward when he helped you change or bathe.  

But now, it was Chris; your crush of many years that was going to help you do these tasks.  

“I really do appreciate you helping me out like this Chris,” your voice was soft as the two of you ate dinner on the couch that first night while watching Monday Night Football.  

He turned to you, giving you that award winning pearly white smile.  “It’s not trouble at all Y/N. I’m glad I could help.”

Your nervousness had calmed a bit while the two of you talked and watched football that night. When it was nearing midnight, Chris helped you up the stairs and to the guest bedroom.  

“Do you need any help tonight with anything?” Chris asked as he set your crutches next to the nightstand in case you needed to get up for any reason in the middle of the night.  

“Not tonight.  Usually night time is the only time I can get things done myself,” you remarked with a shy smile.

Chris bid you goodnight and shut the door, leaving you to some privacy.  It was true, that you didn’t need any help at night.  You easily took off your shirt and bra, putting on a large sleep shirt as you shimmied out of your skit.  It was easy to take your skirt off; putting on skirts was a whole other situation.  

You found it best to wear skirts as it was by far much easier to get up and down your thick cast; shorts and pants just weren’t cutting it.  

After hobbling to the bathroom with your crutches and brushing your teeth, you sunk into the soft mattress of the guest bed and dozed off into a peaceful sleep.  

~~~

The first few days went by in a breeze and you found yourself easily enjoying Chris’ company; your nerves completely leaving your body.  The first time he helped dress you in the morning, you couldn’t help but stammer through your words.  Luckily for you, Chris found it adorable.  

In fact, you couldn’t help but smile as his fingers caressed each time he helped you dress.  It even seemed as though he was giving you flirty eyes when he didn’t think you were looking at him; each time your heart skipping a beat.  

You had yet to shower, opting to give yourself more of a sponge bath in the bathroom behind closed doors, but now you were itching to get a hot shower in.  

That night, Chris helped you wrap your leg in a special bag as to not get your cast wet.  You did your best to hid your body with a towel, but it was no use and your clumsiness was in full force.  You had lost your balance in the bathroom as he wrapped your leg and your towel came off your body; showing yourself to him freely.  

Scrambling to get your towel back into place, you couldn’t help but see that Chris’ eyes were glued to your naked form.  It even sounded like a low growl came from his lips.  

That night was the night everything changed between the two of you; the sexual tension was so tense, you were sure a mouse sneeze could cut it.    

The following night, Chris didn’t let you get changed by yourself.  Instead, he set you down on your feet at the side of your bed and didn’t bid you a goodnight.  

He stood there, eyes on you and you felt your heart skip in your chest.  Your tongue darted out, wetting your lips as you watch his eyes trail up and down your body.  Again, you were wearing a short skirt and your body felt on fire under his intense gaze.

In a flash, Chris was kneeling before you, his fingers skimming up your right leg before hitching into the hem of your skirt.  You shivered under his touch; goosebumps now littering your exposed flesh.  

Chris’ fingers were pulling down your skirt and you had to suppress the moan that wanted to escape from between your lips.  You bit your lower lip, your eyes lust blown as you looked down at Chris kneeling before you.  Your breath hitched in your throat as you felt his fingers trail down your soft, un-casted leg, pulling your skirt down.  

“Chris,” his name left your throat in a breathy whisper; eyes clenching shut as you bit down on your lip harder.  You wanted him; never before in your life had you wanted him more than in this moment.

“What is it Y/N?” his own voice was husky as his hands wrapped around your ankles, holding you steady to the floor of the bedroom.  “What is it that you need?”

Your eyes snapped open at his words, as if he could hear your thoughts.  With the two of you flirting the past week as you stayed at his house, he had to know how you felt about him.

“You Chris,” you whispered out.  “I need you.” That was all he needed to hear as his fingers danced lightly up your legs and back down again; only being able to feel at the thigh of your left leg.  Your inhaled sharply as you felt his fingers at your inner thighs.  

Chris gently pushed you back onto the bed, positioning you so your head was rested comfortably on the pillows.  You let out a deep breath as his eyes scanned your body; another shudder rippling through you.  

With your leg awkwardly bent slightly at the knee because of your cast, you tried to relax under his heated gaze.  

“I want to make you feel so good Y/N,” Chris whispered into your ear as he hovered above your shaking body.  This was what you wanted; what you needed, to feel his touch on your skin.  “I’ve wanted to do this for so long baby.  I want to taste you so bad.  Do you know hard you’ve made me during the last week when you wear those little skirts?”  That got your attention as your eyes widened in surprise.  You had no idea Chris felt this way about you.    

His lips descended onto your neck and you arched your back in return of the feeling.  Moving your head to the side, you gave him ample access to your heated skin; your hands coming up to wrap around his neck, not wanting to let him go.  

“Yes,” you strangled out as he bit a particularly sensitive spot on your neck.  He nibbled and suckled on your tender neck, making you moan in pleasure as you were sure he was leaving bruises on you; marking you as his.  

Chris pulled away, earning a frown from you as he smirked at your pout.  Grabbing the hem of his shirt, he pulled it over his head and shimmied out of his pants; your eyes growing wide at the sight of his large cock straining and erect in his boxers.  

“Fuck me,” you whispered at the sight of him straining; not thinking he would hear you.  You had a feeling he would be larger than average, but you could easily see how thick he was, feeling the wetness pool into your panties at the sight.  

“I plan in it,” he replied with a hardy laugh, making you flush with embarrassment.  

He leaned over you on one arm, using his other arm to help free you of your shirt before removing your bra as well.  You lay there on the large bed, nearly naked except for your black lace underwear as his eyes roamed up and down your body.  You were beginning to feel self-conscious under his stare, but you soon let that go as he spoke.  

“Fuck you are so beautiful Y/N.”  He bent down, claiming your right nipple with his mouth, making you cry out in delight. Your hands fisted into his longer locks, holding him there as his tongue swirled around your hardened bud.  The cool air of the room, mixed with his hot breath made you breathless.  

His mouth trailed down your bare torso, his tongue dipping into your belly button before moving south; his fingers hitching into your lace panties and pulling them off your body. Even though your leg was in a large cast, he had no difficulty doing so.  

“Mmmm,” he groaned as he spread your legs wide, opening you up for him as he stared at your dripping lips. He didn’t hesitate any longer as his mouth wrapped around your clit, humming in appreciation of your taste.  

“CHRIS!” you cried out as his tongue circled your clit; slowly inserting two fingers deep into your core. Your breath came in short spurts as he pumped his fingers into you while his tongue lapped at your juices.  He moaned around your mound, your thighs quivering around his head as your orgasm washed over your; a cry ripping from your throat.  

By the time you had come down from your high, Chris was rolling a condom over his erect member. He paused above you on strong forearms as his lips connected with yours.  Your tongues danced together and you could taste yourself on him.  

Trying your best, you opened your legs for him, wrapping your right leg around his backside as he sunk into you slowly.  He filled you up and you reveled at the feeling of being so full.  You had never had someone as large and thick as Chris before and it felt amazing.  

His thrusts were soft and delicate, slow and tortuous as the two of you kissed.  But you wanted more as you had fantasized about being with Chris for way too long.  

Using your right leg to push him deeper into you, you growled out, “faster…harder.”  His own growl resonated throughout the room as his hips drove into you with force.  

“Fuck you feel so good baby,” he cooed, biting your ear and you wished you could do more, but you were too immobile with your damn leg cast.  

Your hands scratched down his back, leaving marks as you met his thrusts with yours as best as you could. His tip hit a particularly special spot inside of you, making you clench around him and he moaned in pleasure. You loved the noises he was making and you made sure to store them into your memory for future use; just in case this was never going to happen again.

That familiar tightening in your belly began and you knew you were close and you could sense Chris’ high beginning as well.  His thrusts became sloppier as he slowed down for a minute.  

“I want you to come with me Y/N.  I want to feel your pussy milking me.  Can you do that for me?” he demanded, eyes nearly black with lust as he looked longingly into your own eyes.  

“Yes,” you cried out as he drove a deep thrust into you.  

“Good girl,” he replied and you nearly came from that praise alone.  

He positioned himself on his knees as he was still locked inside of you; his hands at your hips as he began to thrust into you yet again.  His right thumb came about your clit, pushing down and moving in a circular motion and you didn’t know how long you could last as you felt your body begin to tense up.  

“Come Y/N,” he growled out. “Come with me NOW.”  His voice and demand was all it took to send you over the edge; profanities mixed with his name came tumbling from your lips as you clenched around him; your body going rigid.  

Chris’ hips thrust a few more times before he stilled altogether.  As you were still reeling from our high, you felt his cock twitching inside of you and you wished at this point he wasn’t’ wearing a condom; you wanted to feel him freely.  

He pulled out of you, making you whimper at the loss and he collapsed next to you on the bed.  The two of you were a panting mess; your bodies sheen with sweat and you laid a hand over your chest.

Closing your eyes, you smiled to yourself, catching your breath.  Feeling the bed move beside you, you saw Chris get up and head into the bathroom to take the condom off.  At this point you didn’t even care if this was a one-time thing.  You’d die happy to have your fantasy of having sex with Chris come true.  

He came back out of the bathroom and you figured he would go back to his own room.  Instead, he got back into bed with you and pulled you closer to him.  Your head rested on his chest and you could hear his heart beating strong.  

Chris placed a kiss on your head and you hummed in appreciation.  “That was amazing,” you warmly said, placing a hand on his exposed chest.  

He chuckled at your words, making the bed shake.  “Good.  Because there’s more where that came from.”  

Tag List: @badassbaker @guera31 @tanelle83 @xjjlex @chrisevansfanfic @princess-evans-addict @joannie95 @pumbibaby @patzammit @brastrangled @mrs-captain-evans @notyourtypicalrose @sfreeborn @esoltis280 @xxloki81xx @bornfortherainydays @poerebel @livslookingforloki @raveviolet @southerngracela @the-wayward-robot @scuzmunkie @cinna-minseok

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 4x01-- The Gang Deals with Alternate Reality

I had a lot to say about this one, guys. 

Welcome back! I see this season TGF has decided to be It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Is this some sort of joke about how last season it was always raining? Is every title going to be like this? And where are the numbers!? There is no counting of any kind in this episode title! 

When you think about it, the central argument of this episode-- that 45’s election brought new life to resistance movements that would’ve otherwise laid dormant-- is also my central argument about why TGF is a good show instead of a passable one. Remember how in season one the point of the show was supposed to be a fake scandal about Maia? 

So it’s fitting that we begin season four by going back to the show’s pilot: Inauguration Day. Only this time, Diane is happily watching Hillary Clinton’s inauguration. Did I say happily? I meant ecstatically. 

As Diane pops champagne, the TV goes to static-- something’s off-- and the credits begin. Same credits as season 3 but with one key difference: things are coming together rather than exploding. I see what you did there. (The TVs still explode, though, and they still have the real 45 on them.)

Yeah I didn’t need to see the credits to know the Kings wrote this one. 

I think the notes the Kings left in the script for this episode for Brooke Kennedy just said, “Make Diane look like a glamorous badass.” I’m like one minute in and she’s already popped champagne and worn trendy sunglasses.

Brooke’s directing in this episode is so stylish and it might be my favorite ep she’s ever done? The showiness (and sometimes campy performances) REALLY work for the tone of this episode. 

Diane takes the elevator to work and looks quizzical. One may be tempted to ask how Diane knows to go to RBL if it’s the day after inauguration and she’s still at Lockhart Deckler whatever (one may then snark that RBL is in the LG space so she’d go there no matter what). The answer is: dream logic! 

(But really, little disorienting moments like that-- and yes, I know this was probably only disorienting for me and one other person-- help the episode work long before we know this isn’t a true alternate universe.)

Marissa is waiting at reception to inform Diane that HRC’s press secretary is in her office. Diane then asks Marissa who the president is, and Marissa asks Diane if she’s microdosing again. Ha! Also, that’s another clear clue that something’s up-- Diane wouldn’t have already microdosed right after inauguration. And why would Diane have microdosed in this AltVerse? Again-- dream logic. And I love it. In episodes like this, when things don’t add up, it’s wonderfully disorienting instead of frustrating. (Plus, this line is a knowing wink at fans about the absurdity of the microdosing storyline.)

Marissa confirms that it’s 2020 in show time. Diane has a flash of a selection of horrific images that have come out of these last few years, then says, ”God, have you ever had a dream that is so real that it takes you a long time to wake up?” I wish.

Diane wants to know how Hillary won, and Marissa says she won in a landslide-- 3 million votes. “Same as in my dream,” Diane says. Marissa thinks she means the other candidate had 3 million more votes, and wonders how he won if he had fewer votes. On one hand, Marissa totally knows about the electoral college. On the other hand, would “3 million votes” and hating the electoral college be cliched and top of mind enough to work as the joke in this scene if those votes had actually mattered? Probably not. I doubt many people would be talking about abolishing the electoral college, or that Marissa or even Diane would be SO quick to understand how one could win the popular vote and not the election, if we hadn’t all lived through the past three years. Also dream logic. It’s a great way of explaining things that are out of character.

“Whatever, it’s a dream, it doesn’t have to make sense,” says Marissa, making my point for me.

Oh hello there Lucca, your jacket is very bright. Lucca asks to sit in on Diane’s meeting with the press secretary. Lucca was up for a partnership in 3x10 but in this episode she’s very obviously an underling (and honestly seems a bit lower ranking and hesitant than usual-- I’ll need another episode or two to understand if this is how the writers are writing Lucca, how Diane views Lucca, or just what was easiest for the plot). 

The White House is now asking Diane to take on cases. Way to dream big, Diane!

And Diane will be arguing in front of the Supreme Court! 

In the alternate universe, Liz’s wonderful bathroom belongs to Diane.

Diane gets to do so many things she wouldn’t usually do in this ep, like furiously shake her head to prove to herself she’s not dreaming! 

Diane still has that Girl With Flower As Head painting and I do not believe she would have that painting if HRC were president because it’s too friggin weird. Also has it always had a US flag in the background?

In the alternate universe, Garland and Warren (as in Elizabeth) are both on the court. It’s a good laughline precisely because it’s so plausible. (Well, idk about the Warren part, but she’s a recognizable name.)

Diane looks so happy she could cry when she learns Warren is on the Supreme Court. 

There is a shot of Lucca that is so very clearly from Diane’s POV and I like it. I read a review of this episode that said it didn’t have enough character development. To that I say, one, this isn’t TGW-- this show has always been more about tone and theme, and two, there’s PLENTY here that’s about Diane’s POV and how she views others and thinks of herself. Because it’s dream logic I can’t make nearly as much out of it as I can make out of an episode like A Few Words, but there are little touches here and there. Even this shot of Lucca, where Lucca’s in the center of the frame shot from a high angle, grounds me in Diane’s POV. You could even make an argument about hierarchy based on the angle. 

“Who’s that?” Lucca whispers when Diane asks about Kavanaugh. Diane is elated at that response. 

Somehow we leave Diane’s POV (whatever, it’s a dream so I won’t be as brutal to this choice as I was to a similar but more subtle one in Don’t Fail) and follow Lucca into Adrian’s office. She immediately tells Liz and Adrian she’s concerned about Diane. That sounds like Lucca alright. 

Diane is DANCING in her office as she watches news coverage that isn’t a garbage fire.

I’m curious y’all-- are people in your area cheering at a certain time? Hearing cheers every night during this pandemic is one of the few things I like about this awful moment in time. (My recap writing was just interrupted by cheering, if you couldn’t guess the reason for this abrupt digression.) 

News stories in alternate reality: Cancer has been cured, there is polar bear overpopulation, the rainforest has been saved, 45 is REDUCING the amount of content he’s putting out into the world, and $35,000 is missing from some government agency. Ha. All that and people are hung up on $35,000? Sounds about right, actually.

Diane hugs Liz and Adrian because she feels like a weight has been lifted off of her. I appreciate that Diane acts without restraint or concern for what other people think in this episode. This is central to why I think this episode is actually a pretty good character study: this is who Diane imagines herself to be, more or less. Real Diane, no matter how bizarre things are, probably would handle herself more professionally in a work meeting and probably wouldn’t let feelings like this show. Dream Diane has no reason to double check herself. This is just how she thinks she’d react if there were absolutely no constraints. Not that she’s actively thinking- she’s just doing. 

Diane is very excited to be watching the news, and Adrian thinks she’s nuts-- there are scandals! Like the missing $35k and THE EMAILS. The GODDAMN EMAILS. Even a fictional joke about how they’d still be a scandal makes me mad. Twenty years from now it will still be too soon to remind me of the emails. (And to play Fight Song, that song is cancelled.)

A haircut is also a scandal because sexism.

I admire this show for calling attention to problems on both sides without ever screaming BOTH SIDES ARE EQUALLY BAD. This episode may call out some of the good things that have happened as a result of the 2016 election, but the whole premise of this joke rests on the fact that only one of the two potential administrations could run through a year’s worth of scandals in a day. 

Might circle back to this later on-- btw I write these after watching the whole episode, so I do know what’s going to happen next-- but I don’t think the show is trying to make the case that it’s good 45 was elected. I think they’re trying to ask questions about how the world has changed and cause and effect so we can understand the moment we’re in. Above, I said I liked hearing my neighbors cheer every night. And I could write a lot of words on how that collective activity inspires me, makes me feel connected even when I’ve been stuck inside for a month, etc, how I’ve gotten better about keeping in touch with old friends, whatever, and NONE of that would mean that a global pandemic is a good thing. It just means that like any huge societal phenomenon, its implications are complex. 

TGF and TGW have always, always, always been shows about understanding where we are in time. That’s what this episode does. And it makes sense to do a thought experiment like this now, at the start of season 4, in a season opener. We’ve had enough time living in this world that we can reflect on it.

Diane laughs, because what Diane dream sequence would be complete without a glorious laugh?

Adrian’s kinda suspicious of Hillary. Sure, cancer’s been cured, but it’s not public how or when! 

God it’s weird to hear some of the most absurd happenings of the last three years as punchlines. 

The line about the Obama’s overall deal at Netflix is fire. 

Diane laughs AGAIN. 

Oh right, Harriet Tubman was going to be on the $20 bill. (Is it obvious yet that I am the exact right target for this episode?)

Julius is VERY mad about Hillary’s $500 haircut. Heh. He’s also publicly supporting Trump which is interesting (and probably a dream logic thing; Diane knows he supported Trump therefore in her dream he isn’t ever hesitant to share that he voted for Trump.)

“Only Hillary could cure cancer and turn it into a scandal,” someone else adds. I’m loving all these jokes. He is mad cancer wasn’t cured earlier and that it’s been cured in an election year. This joke is funny because it’s exactly what would happen in this scenario.

I wonder if Julius would be more likely to speak up about his political affiliation if the stakes were lower. If 45 lost, then is supporting him as much of a thing to hide in a place like RBL? People would be mad but they probably would get over their moral opposition to his views a lot faster when it isn’t a real threat.

Diane’s brought in a huge client, which is news to her. And that client is none other than Harvey Weinstein, which… my God this is an interesting thought experiment. 

“I’m amazed you got him away from Lisa Bloom,” Adrian says. YIKES!!!! (If y’all haven’t read Catch and Kill yet, pick up a copy ASAP.)

No one’s heard of Weinstein’s sexual assault issues. I believe it. I mean, I think some women in power might have known before 2017-- I still vividly recall how many journalists reacted to the release of the story not with “Oh my God, how has this been going on for so long?” but with “Holy shit, someone managed to publish a story about this?!”-- but I’ll believe that the general consensus in elite liberal circles was to set the rumors aside and not share them widely.

I can’t watch this episode without thinking about VIP Treatment (2x05 of TGW). That episode, which raises the question of what happens when someone accuses a liberal legend of sexual assault, feels so ahead of its time. It aired in 2010. And I just, right this moment, learned that it was ripped from the headlines about accusations a masseuse made against Al Gore. Guys. I didn’t know there were allegations in 2010 about Al Gore. Is that because I was 16 in 2010 and just never heard of (or forgot about) the story? Is it because he had less power? Is it because of something specific about the reporting or the allegations? Or is it because we as a culture swept it under the rug since it was (allow me to be the millionth person to make this awful joke) an inconvenient truth? 

I don’t know the answers to the above. What I do know is that this episode is making me ask those questions.

In Marissa’s world (“you mean reality?”), 45 bragged about grabbing women by the pussy and then lost the election. And the story ended there. There was no women’s march, no #MeToo.

Sarah Steele gets to react to a lot of things in this episode and it is very delightful to see her say things like, “what are pussy hats?”

Diane looks so angry and stunned when she realizes that Weinstein is still “a thing” in the world. 

He won the Presidential Medal of Freedom because of course he did. 

His wikipedia page says his only controversies are about his managerial style. Yikes.

Marissa’s reaction to the phrase “masturbating into plants” is one of the best things about this episode. I love that she gets so hung up on it. 

Charlie Rose is the first name other than Weinstein that comes to mind for Diane when Marissa asks what other men were serial harassers. I’ve got to think that Rose gets the most attention here in no small part because he was part of the CBS family-- he was even on TGW. 

I’ve seen Annaleigh Ashford in so many things recently. 

Diane handles the meeting with Team Weinstein VERY poorly (she also does not care to handle it well), while Adrian covers with the “all options are open to us” gibberish that Diane absolutely would be able to convincingly deploy in a meeting she couldn’t follow. I point this out because it shows that 1) Diane isn’t behaving the way she would in reality and 2) Diane does not give a fuck. 

If this were reality, would Diane push so hard in this meeting? I don’t know. This situation is so far removed from reality it’s hard to tell. But my sense is that Diane would like to think of herself as someone who would never waver in her commitment to Doing The Right Thing, but she’d probably be a lot more diplomatic-- even in real 2020-- in initial meetings. It’s a bit dated at this point, but in VIP Treatment Diane was hesitant to believe the victim because the man accused of assault was a high profile liberal. To her credit, she does eventually choose the victim over her own politics. But I could totally see Diane-- with no knowledge of the real timeline-- behaving like her friend/HRC’s press secretary Zoe does in this episode.

All that to say: personally, I don’t think #MeToo would’ve caught on to the extent it did if women weren’t already angry. I believe there could have been a hashtag and some stories (maybe even the Weinstein story). But I also believe women felt an urgent need to speak out and organize. And I believe that more women were inclined to believe victims and get angry. And I believe that it was only because of the world in general that #MeToo spread outside of a few online circles. To put it another way, you know how there are sometimes cases of the week on this show where you might know the reference in detail, but if you ask a co-worker or friend about it they’ll know either nothing or only the very basics? I think all of #MeToo could’ve ended up like one of those cases if it hadn’t played out with 2017 in the background.

Dreams aren’t subtle: Weinstein’s publicity tour includes appearances with Charlie Rose and Matt Lauer. (This joke also serves as a reminder that sexual harassment is a systemic problem.)

Diane is SO confrontational in this meeting. Also, the woman they’re meeting with is SO FRIGGIN COMPLICIT. 

Weinstein’s team frames sexual assault allegations-- which are still floating around even in alt2020-- as a Republican conspiracy. I have no doubt they would have used this approach if given the chance. 

I’m on page six and fifteen minutes in, damn.

Adrian, or Diane’s version of Adrian, does not believe women and seems to hate Hillary Clinton a little bit too. An accurate portrayal of Adrian? Lines that betray Diane’s suspicion of where Adrian stands on women’s issues? Or just that Adrian is there to be the person pushing back and it could’ve been anyone? (I think it’s somewhere between the first two, personally. If this could’ve been anyone, why not Liz?) 

In this alternate universe NBC’s refusal to broadcast Ronan Farrow’s investigation is proof of Weinstein’s innocence, because in the alt universe we still apparently have faith in the corporate culture at NBC. (Perhaps the most surprising thing to me about Catch and Kill is that a LOT of it is dedicated to exposing the shit that went down within NBC. It’s fascinating and also makes it crystal clear how assault is a systemic problem and not just a few bad apples you should avoid being alone with.)

Adrian’s reaction when Diane mentions Reddick (Adrian knows nothing of the accusations in this universe) changes the tone of this scene in an instant and it’s breathtaking. This is the one moment in the episode where she knows she has to shut up. 

The one thing about this ep I am not sure I buy is that the firm is struggling because of the rise in corporate taxes. But I know so little about this issue I don’t care if it’s right or wrong. 

After Diane leaves Adrian’s office, Liz asks, “What about my dad?” meaning she somehow heard the conversation through the wall. (The door was definitely closed so either their office design is worse than I thought or it’s just dream logic.) Diane doesn’t share the rumor with Liz.

Lucca is for some reason on this case, and they are for some reason in court on the same day they learned about the case. And the best part is that I don’t have to worry about whether or not this is plausible BECAUSE IT’S ALL A DREAM

Another thing I’ll say about this ep-- it’s pace remarkably well. The opening previews what’s to come, there’s just enough happy liberal utopia with funny jokes at the start, the Weinstein twist comes at the right moment, and the shift to the more dark, character focused scenes that wrap up the episode come exactly when the writers have gotten as much mileage as they can out of this premise. I knew this episode would be fantastic the moment I saw it was only 41 minutes long.

The judge keeps saying the opposing counsel’s full name, Ann Howard. Is this supposed to be a familiar name to me? I am not getting the reference. 

The judge’s ruling is basically that no one would take the risk involved in assaulting someone at work these days so the case must be bogus. And then we see, immediately (because, dream) that the judge is totally corrupt and just wants to get his daughter an internship with Weinstein. 

“Justice is an equation. Justice equals the law times the zeitgeist. The law on its own doesn’t stand up. You need the mood of the times on your side,” Diane eloquently explains. That’s basically what this episode is saying. To put it more simply: Context matters and nothing happens in a vacuum. (TGF and TGW were always about the context-- you simply couldn’t do a show about a woman standing by her cheating politician husband and being REVERED for it in 2020. That’s not about the law, but the same principle applies.)

Lucca says they won, so the zeitgeist worked for them-- and how could it be against women when the president is a woman? Remember how the Kings used to say that TGF was going to be about Diane retiring because she thought the glass ceiling had been shattered? I always thought that sounded wrong, but this episode is helping me understand what they were thinking a little bit. 

Lucca calls out Diane, a bit abruptly, on how only the woman partners probably would get to say “no more” if there were to be a women’s movement because the associates can’t risk it. Lucca’s right and she’s wrong-- her words underestimate how mainstream and trendy it’s become to publicly talk about sexual harassment, but she’s 100% right that there are still underlying power dynamics.

Diane’s Lucca is V V V V V V V concerned with power dynamics and VERY much wants to be higher ranking. On the one hand, actual Lucca wants to rank higher too. On the other, is there a piece of Diane that sees Lucca as power hungry? 

Lucca’s asked to take documents to Weinstein, and she’s flattered. Diane, like every viewer, sees this as a car crash in slow motion. She knows exactly what will happen when Lucca gets to his hotel with the documents. But Lucca, who’s in the dark, only knows it’s a good opportunity to impress a huge client.

Diane tells Weinstein’s… whatever she is? That she is “Harvey’s pimp” and she is not wrong. Also since I don’t actually know this woman’s job title I’ll just refer to her that way moving forward.

(See what I mean about Diane just saying things that are totally unprofessional bc this is a dream Diane who does what she wants and not actual Diane making tough decisions?)

Lucca is REALLY bitter about how Diane is always taking opportunities away from her. They’re definitely trying to do something with Lucca in this episode but as I said earlier, I think I need to see what they have planned for the rest of the season before I can fully understand what they’re going for. 

Diane tells Lucca exactly what is going to happen when she goes to drop off the papers. Lucca won’t hear it, so Diane asks Marissa to keep an eye on her.

Another possibility for what they’re trying to do with Lucca (and Adrian): Maybe it’s supposed to be about how different Types would react-- the powerful man who benefits from not questioning things and has some latent sexism issues; the ambitious young woman who gets caught in a bad situation because she’s trying to move her career forward. The more I think about it, the more I think this is what they’re going for-- and the question I should be asking is what does it mean about Adrian and Lucca (in terms of how the writers see them, in terms of how Diane sees them) that they can take on these roles so easily?

(It may say nothing about Diane because… idk, do YOU do thoughtful character analysis in your sleep? Because I don’t!)

Marissa is still stuck on the plants and I love it.

Lucca catches Marissa right away, but all that accomplishes is that both of them clearly see that Diane is right. These scenes feel a little unnecessary (they’re also not in Diane’s POV, though surely dreams can have tangents) and I think they’re only here to illustrate how the system works. I can’t imagine this scene is teaching many people new information.

Also there’s… just not another scene with Lucca in this episode? And I don’t know if I feel like that’s a bad thing or like it’s part of dream logic? I think it’s probably just bad plotting that the unnecessary sequence ends abruptly and doesn’t return.

“With the presidency, women can do whatever they want,” says one of Diane’s liberal friends at a women’s event. I’m… not 100% sure anyone would say this. If this were true why would they even be having a gala for a women’s charity? But point taken. People love this type of statement.

So Diane’s extremely low cut dress like has a mesh thing covering her exposed chest??I can’t figure it out. 

Weinstein is also a hero to everyone at the feminist charity. When Diane hears this, she gives an interview to a reporter about having a long way to go, which I 100% believe would be the message no matter reality we’re in what because literally no one is going to say please donate to my cause we have no battles left to fight BUT I DIGRESS. Diane tries to ignite #MeToo (and even name checks Tarana Burke, so that’s awesome) and is quickly cut off.

Then, after giving the interview, she has Jay (hello!) set her up on Twitter. Dream Diane is revealing just how little she understands how social media works. She also wants to link to a “Me Too Site” which is… not how any of this works, Diane.

Diane sees herself on the news-- she’s mostly cut from the piece and her words are taken out of context. 

Adrian and Liz stare Diane down for calling Weinstein’s pimp a pimp and Diane defends herself. Liz doesn’t believe this either. Diane is asked to sign a VERY RIDICULOUS (like it sounds like 45 more than anything else) apology letter and laughs. 

Liz reminds her that they’re close to bankruptcy and that they’ve defended killers before (oh, and, most relevant-- the assholes to avoid case, I can’t believe I went to 205 to think about how Diane would react in a more nuanced present day situation when I had that example!), why would Diane draw the line here? “Everyone deserves a defense. Just not everyone deserves MY defense,” Diane says. You know it’s a dream when a character on this show actually says that. Do you know how many times (if you’re still reading this you probably do know) I have written something to the effect of “SAYING EVERYONE DESERVES REPRESENTATION IS NOT THE SAME AS REPRESENTING THEM YOURSELF, LIZ/DIANE/ADRIAN/WILL/ALICIA/CARY/LUCCA/WHOEVER”? It’s been a lot. 

(Here is something I wrote in a case in which Diane, at the height of #MeToo, defended some assholes for money: “‘I wouldn’t say hate. We’re obligated,’ Diane says. Ohhh yes this is a new pet peeve. Y’all are not obligated. You were not assigned this case. You chose to take it for the money.”)

Idk what my point is here, maybe that this feels like a dream because the characters are never this principled in reality.

Zoe, the press secretary, wants Diane to shut down #MeToo. Lucca’s there too, but she says nothing (despite the experience she may have just had, because dream). Zoe doesn’t want women to get angry about abuse because “that’s not the message that helps us in 2020.” Ooof. But I buy it. I am not sure if it’s ACCURATE that anger wouldn’t help but I can completely see campaign staffers being afraid it would hurt, especially given that Bill Clinton has… more than a few issues. 

This scene veers into Diane’s POV. The camera gets closer and closer to her as she feels boxed in, and Liz, Adrian, and the pimp stare accusingly at her. Suddenly she realizes she doesn’t know where Kurt is because she’s spent the last few days at work. I think the most dream-like thing about this is the way Kurt just suddenly pops into the dream and shifts the tone of the whole thing. 

She runs off. Liz and Adrian ask Diane to step back from the firm for Weinstein and she’s like, okay, I’m going home, “I don’t know how I changed my clothes, I went to that event last night and I have different clothes on now and I don’t know where Kurt is.” I LOVE watching this whole episode twist into something this weird.

When Diane gets home, there’s a man fixing her door. He’s watching Trump TV, which is currently airing Felix Staples singing “This Wall is Your Wall” and honestly this is the best use of Felix Staples in the show so far.

The man fixing Diane’s door also remembers reality. He doesn’t know why he’s fixing Diane’s door. It’s disorienting. 

Diane gets a beer with the man fixing her door and wonders about if she even likes this world where HRC is president (or if the problem is just that she doesn’t believe it). (I think she’d like it just fine if she experienced it linearly, tbh.)

Sexy gun lady from a previous episode is back, and Kurt’s guns are missing because he didn’t want them to be confiscated (I do not believe this would ever be a policy but this is a full on illogical dream right now) and now Diane is talking to the TV.

“I’m in the car, right?” Diane says while standing in her bedroom and pretending to grab a steering wheel. Heh. 

Diane drives to a cabin in the woods (the way this is shot is SO atmospheric) and finds Kurt, in shadow, in the woods. So THIS is what Robert King was going for in Mind’s Eye in the clumsily directed scene with fake Will in shadow. Gotta say, the whole “person you love and can’t quite picture” thing works a ton better when it is obvious it’s an intentional style choice.

This scene is so weird because suddenly politics doesn’t matter and Diane only cares about Kurt and also Kurt might be dead? I am not sure I understand what this is saying. And I’m pretty sure I spent the entirety of this scene the first time through alternating between thinking “ooh pretty”, “this is what 614 wanted to be,” and “please don’t kill Kurt!!”

Kurt pulls Diane to reality and gets her to recap where we left off. She wakes up on the floor of her bedroom. She and Kurt have both, thankfully, survived Book Club’s SWATting. 

HA the first thing Diane says when she wakes up is “What happened?” which… that HAS to be intentional right???? 

To check that Diane is of sound mind, one of the agents asks her how many fingers he’s holding up and who’s president. She laughs. 

This episode is UNDER 40 minutes if you exclude the credits and promo.

Guess we’re not doing recap songs.

Had a lot to say about this one. I’ve liked TGW’s mind-y episodes more, but that’s not really a fair comparison since the point of this wasn’t character study… it was tone setting.

What this episode does NOT give me is a sense of what season 4 will be about, other than the usual absurdity. 

[x-lulu]

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

@nxsmss, I’m going to answer the others in another post ❤️

1 - Do you have a good relationship with your parents? yes actually, we’ve had our problems but our relationship has really changed for the better :) 
2 - Who did you last say “I love you” to? a friend 
3 - Do you regret anything? yes multiple things actually, but I’m trying to see it as something I learned from and that I won’t make the same mistake again 
4 - Are you insecure? hell yeah haha
5 - What is your relationship status? single 
6 - How do you want to die? is it a weird answer if I say overdose...
7 - What did you last eat? yoghurt with fruit
8 - Played any sports? I danced, basketball, running and just regular working out
9 - Do you bite your nails? nope
10 - When was your last physical fight? I can’t really remember, I’m more a fighter with words. except with my brother we do hit each other and stuff but idk if that’s a physical fight, if it is then last night 
11 - Do you like someone? not romantically 
12 - Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? yes, once do 72 hours but I fell immediately asleep the minute I got home 
13 - Do you hate anyone at the moment? I don’t really hate people, but I do have someone I feel really strong about (not in a good way), she was my best friend, but we had a huge fight this year and I’m still really upset about things she said and how she handled stuff so yeah 
14 - Do you miss someone? yes, the same friend, I know I deserve better and I have to let it go and I won’t go back to her, but yeah I miss the good times...
15 - Have any pets? yes, I have two dogs, two turtles and about 30 fish, I used to have cats too
16 - How exactly are you feeling at the moment? uhm not great? I really have mood swings atm, so I’m like happy for 10 minutes and then I’m multiple hours sad, I wrote this in the morning, now I’m doing a little better :) 
17 - Ever made out in the bathroom? nope 
18 - Are you scared of spiders? not like a huge fear, but I don’t want them in my bedroom when I’m going to sleep 
19 - Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? uhm maybe, haven’t really thought about it, but I would change some things I think 
20 - Where was the last place you snogged someone? haven’t really done that yet 🙈 just kissed but nothing more than that 
21 - What are your plans for this weekend? studying and I need to make some arrangements, so tomorrow is going to be really busy cause I need to do a lot of stuff, but I hope I can take Sunday off and make some icons/moodboards or something else, I don’t know exactly yet, but something like that
22 - Do you want to have kids? How many? I think I do? but maybe I will adopt, I don’t know yet, I don’t want to give my struggles to my child, but if I do get kids, I think I want two :)
23 - Do you have piercings? How many? I only have my ears pierced atm, but I would really like some more :)
24 - What is/are/were your best subject(s)? uhm art class, history and philosophy 
25 - Do you miss anyone from your past? yes
26 - What are you craving right now? nothing really I’m nauseous (I usually am in the morning and when I’m travelling) 
27 - Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I mean I have rejected some people, but I wouldn’t say I have broken someone’s heart haha
28 - Have you ever been cheated on? I have to be in a relationship first 🙈
29 - Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? again never have been in an official relationship
30 - What’s irritating you right now? my own thoughts haha
31 - Does somebody love you? I hope so, but I don’t think romantically, if that’s the question 🤷‍♀️
32 - What is your favourite color? black, but I do love me some blue and turquoise, also pastels are just the cutest 
33 - Do you have trust issues? yes
34 - Who/what was your last dream about? I had a nightmare 
35 - Who was the last person you cried in front of? my psychologist haha

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #278

“they will seduce you, get through the door; then they bite you in the neck, leave you bleeding on the floor.”

Do you believe in dream symbolism? If so, do you ever look up what certain things in your dreams may mean? Some, yes, others, no. A lot just seem way too random to have stories behind them, but just as well, some dreams are obviously stemmed from our experiences, fears, desires, etc. Who was the last person who exploded on you? What was the reason? I have no idea, but probably Mom. Is there a certain name that keeps popping up in your life, like a name that many people you know have? No. What is something you have a "love/hate relationship" with? What do you hate about it, and what do you love about it? The first thing that comes to mind is technology. I grew up way too dependent on in despite my mom being a good mother that really tried to limit my time of it. It just never worked. Almost everything I do involves a computer. Through the Internet though, I’ve made spectacular friends, discovered great things (coughcoughmark), it helps me through depression and stuff… but I nevertheless hate how attached I am to it. Sometimes I feel like I’m so disconnected from the “real” world, “real” experiences, but then again, I also believe tech is a part of the “real” world. Idk how to really explain it; I have such mixed feelings. Do you like things that are cliché or not? What kinds of things that are regarded as "cliché" do you like? Sure, especially romantic cliches. I’m just such a sucker for that kind of stuff. What was the last quote you read somewhere, and who said it? “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes,” Ruth Ginsburg. We truly lost a hero. Have you heard any song mash-ups (when they put two or more different songs together) that you like? If so, which? Oh, quite a lot, I love those! The first one that comes to mind is “Centuries” by Fall Out Boy and “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had in 2014? Well, this is old. But anyway, I had one. How often do you say ‘lol’ in a computer or text conversation? Quite a bit. Idk, it just changes the tone of what you’re speaking. Whose hoodie did you wear last? My own. Have you ever listened to music you hated just to fit in? Ha ha… not devoutly, but I’d explore “cool” metal bands to try to get into. I didn’t make myself listen to them if I didn’t like ‘em, though. What’s an interesting fact about you that not many people know? Hm. Well, I don’t consider it “interesting,” but very few people (besides the Internet lmao) know that I essentially stole my then-best friend’s boyfriend by mutual flirting to the point he broke up with her and wanted me instead. I cut that shit the fuck out once he told me he loved me. It’s one of the things I’m most ashamed of. What do you want to do after high school? I’m long past high school, and let’s just say things are NOT going as planned lmao. At all. I had such, such a different vision. Do you do anything embarrassing when no one is home? No. If you had the chance to move to a completely different state/country, would you? I deadass want to move to Canada but am unwilling to move so far from my family. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? I don’t know age; it’s funny, I tend to remember things by school grades versus my age. Even in this situation, though, I’m not positive. Towards the end of elementary school, maybe? Do you have any saved texts? Yes, from Sara and Ashley. Do you ever play online games with your friends? Which one(s)? Once upon a time, my friend/”big brother” Sam and I would play WoW together every day and just chill out over Skype. He helped keep me company during my worst depression. We haven’t played together in quite a long time, though. I should message him. Which emoji did you use most recently? The upside-down smiley face on Facebook. Who was the last person to cry in your presence? Mom, probably. Or one of my nieces or nephew. Do any of your friends have small children? Yes. One of my closest friends had her son not even two weeks ago. Do you ever wear accessories in your hair? Which ones? No. What kind of fruit do you like? A good chunk of it. Strawberries, apples, grapes, pineapple, bananas, peaches… Is there anything you've always wanted to do that you've never told anyone? *shrugs* Maybe. Do you flush the toilet with your hand or your foot? ”I use my hand at home and in other people’s bathrooms, but I use my foot in public washrooms.” <<<< Same. What is your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? (Ex: ENTP): INFP. Do you read any blogs? If so, which ones? No. Would you rather have curvy legs or skinny legs? I’d prefer to have an in-between. What is your favorite game show? Family Feud with Steve Harvey. How many times a day do you use the restroom? Hm. Depends on how much I drink. What was the last thing that made you cringe? Idr. What is your favorite ‘80s movie? I’m not sure, given how I don’t tend to recognize movies by decades. Do you have your own car? No. I don’t drive. Who was the last person who drew you a picture? I commissioned someone on deviantART to draw My Child Jaw and it is so FUCKING beautiful. Would you rather hold a scorpion or a snake? I love snakes, so guess. How do you usually get your exercise? I don’t, but that’s going to change when we FINALLY fuckin move. I’m going to walk as much as I possibly can because we have a sidewalk. Who are your godparents? Idk if I even have any. Are any of your siblings married? Three are and one is engaged. What does your phone case look like, if you have one? It came with a plain purple one. What is something you can draw really well? I think I’m pretty good at meerkats. Best field trip experience? The zoo in the 5th grade. One and only time I’ve seen meerkats irl. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? Idr. It’s very rare I can pay for anything because I don’t have an income, but with gifted money and stuff, it was probably when I paid for my mom and I to eat at Olive Garden. I don’t recall how much it was, but OG isn’t cheap, so. Who was (or is) the teacher that gave you the hardest time in school? Idk. I had good teachers. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen outside of your house? I don’t know. Nothing exciting. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? Not really, no. There are cases where I do, like if I take too big a bite or something, but generally I don’t. Everyone has to eat. What is the worst thunderstorm you’ve experienced? I recall one in particular during my era of being terrified of them when we were on the way home from a friend’s house and there was INSANE lightning. I was crying so much in the back seat. I think I have experienced worse ones, that’s just the one I remember because of how much it terrified me. How quickly can you write an essay? Pretty damn quickly once I get into the groove of it. Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? No. What bug frightens you most? Oh yikes, idk. A lot of bugs scare me, honestly, particularly if they surprise me. Probably rhinoceros beetles. Are your parents supportive of you? Very. Have you ever participated in a mock trial, or a real trial? No. Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? lol oops Have you ever had sex on your bedroom floor? How about your living room floor? YIKES this survey getting frisky but anyway idk. When you kiss someone, do you like to play with their hair? Yeah. Do you regret sleeping with anyone? No. Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? No…? Your hair is just gonna get messy while sleeping. Have you ever asked anyone out? Do you prefer to do the asking out, or wait to see if the other person will ask? Yes. I don’t really have a preference. Have your parents ever disapproved of anyone you had a relationship with? Not to my knowledge. When’s the last time you ran? HUNNY Brittany doesn’t RUN. Have you ever stayed online for a long time waiting for someone? Oh yes, I did that A LOT with Mini back when we were younger and RPed together like every day. Who or what sleeps with you? Roman, my cat. Would you wear a boy/girlfriend’s clothes? I somehow wound up with quite a few of Jason’s pj pants?????? But anyway yeah sure, I would. If it fit, anyway. Do you return your cart? I am a lazy person. But not that lazy. Do it. What noise do you hear? I’m currently listening to NateWantsToBattle’s cover of “Feel Good Inc.” Would you survive in prison? No. No. I know I’d try to commit suicide. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? The IT remake with Girt. Have you ever cheated on someone? No sir. Do you kiss on the first date? I never have, but not saying I wouldn’t. BUT I most likely would not just because I reserve kisses for someone I really, really like. Usually by the first date I wouldn’t know that yet. Are you into sports? Nope. Have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket? HAHA I don’t think so. Who knows a secret about you that no one else does? My ex-therapist. What is your longest relationship to date? 3 ½ years. Who ended the last relationship you were in? It was brought up by her, but it came to be a mutual decision. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Who was your first prom date? Jason. Have you ever dated someone more than three years older than you? For less than a day. Have you ever been used? I don’t think so. Do you like when I guy takes you by surprise and kisses you? This is making quite a few assumptions, but anyway, if we���re in a stable relationship, generally yes. It’s cute. Would you be more likely to date a redneck or a goth? My dream partner would be a goth, hnnnnnnnnGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Has anyone ever sung to you? Yes. Do you like massages? EW don’t touch me like that unless you’re my s/o. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. When was the last time you spent the night at someone else's house? The last time I was at Sara’s. What scares you more, spiders or snakes? Spiders. Does it matter if a guy has a sense of humor? If he’s a romantic interest, yeah. Would you ever get implants? No. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling's friend? No. Have you ever dated someone with a child? No. I’m quite sure I wouldn’t. Have you ever dated someone of another race? For less than a day. Have you kissed anyone today? No. What was the last topic you read about? I beliiieeeve… Metallica’s new album. Have you ever participated in a fundraising campaign? I think? Again, I don’t have an income though so I’m unsure. Do you know how to knit? No. What’s your go-to order from KFC? I don’t go there. What was the last album you listened to in full? Oh man, there’s no telling. I generally don’t do that. Do you use pepper to season your food? Sure, that’s a common enhancement. Do you know anyone who has an unusual pet? Probably somebody. Have you ever known anyone who was homeless? My mother, Nicole, and I technically were at one point, we just had spectacular people let us live with them until we got a new place. Did you have a treehouse when you were younger? No. One does not simply build a treehouse in pine trees. Have you ever played Magic: The Gathering? Guys. Guys. For many many months now I’ve been dying to and idk why. That game was one of Jason’s favorite things in the world and so he taught me it how to play, though I never fully got it because there are a LOT of rules. When I had my PS3, I had one of the Duels of the Planeswalkers games, and I miss that shit. What are your thoughts on role playing games? Fun fun. What is a band you can't stop listening to right now? I’ve been seriously into 3TEETH lately, as well as Solence. Have you ever had a panic attack? LOTS!!!!!!!! Have you ever entered a talent competition? Naw, I don’t have an exceptional talent. Are you indecisive? Ridiculously so. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? It’s actually one of my brightest smiles I’ve ever taken a selfie with. I look way happier than I am lmaooo. Describe your hometown. What's it like there? Small, notoriously dangerous. Do you have any expensive hobbies? You could say photography given the various lenses and other materials available, plus editing software subscriptions. What is the oldest online account that you still use? My email, probably. What was the last video game you beat? I wanna say it was the last time I replayed Silent Hill 2. Long time ago. What's your favorite Studio Ghibli film? I actually haven’t seen any. Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Yeah, sure, like various entertainers/bands/musicians, TV shows…

[athena1138]

I’m having a really shitty night at work and I just need to get it out. Feel free to ignore. 

So today at my job was just shitty all around, for every single shift. For my friend, one of our residents had no less than 3 accidents before she finally got fed up and went and got a Depends for her, she was pulled every which way by everyone, she threw her hip out, a lot of shit. For evening, we had 2 falls, one of which was a guy who fell trying to clean up his own shit from his bathroom which he still hasn’t done and won’t let us do. 

But my shift. I’m tired anyways, and I’m in a middling mood. 

My favorite resident paged a little early on and I went to help her. She has been having problems with “somebody” leaving tissues around her room and fucking with her. Well, no. It’s her. She has dementia and doesn’t realize she’s doing it. Tonight “somebody” left her blankets unfolded. She did that. Last night she paged me because it was hot and she had taken her blankets off and only put one back on. That’s where they came from. I told her up front what was going on because it’s been a problem for months now and my lying to her and saying we’ll figure out who’s doing it isn’t helping. So I told her up front. Well, it upset her, obviously. And she told me that she has stopped taking her medication (which includes a regulatory blood sugar medication.) She hasn’t taken it all month she said. She said that when god’s done with her, she’s ready to go. She’s miserable, this isn’t living, she has no life, her kids don’t love her, etc. 

She’s been trying to give me this lamp. Idk why really. She sees me as family which is nice I guess, but I’m SUPER not allowed to take things from residents. I toed the line by getting her a set of cds of the bible, but this is. It’s nerve-wracking. She has asked me for my address so her son can bring it to me, and I’m like “I’ll get in trouble, I could get fired,” etc. Well she told me that stuff and then she asked again and I said no, I can’t, but she said, “I want to make sure it’s in good hands. You can just tell me and I’ll try to remember it, they don’t have to know when you told me.” So I fucking caved. And she wrote it down. It took some time because her pen wasn’t working and she can’t see well enough to read it easily, maybe 5 minutes total. She finished and she stopped, read it again, and said, “What was this for?” I asked, “What?” And she stopped again and read it again. Then she looks at me and goes, “Is this your address?” 

She has memory problems I know. Some days it’s hard for her to remember my name. But she’s never forgotten something in conversation that quickly before. She called it back after a minute, but it was.. I left her room fucking sobbing. By the time I snapchatted my friends/coworkers about it, they’d gone to bed, so I haven’t really had the chance to talk to anyone yet. I cried so hard my makeup came off. 

We have a problem resident. He’s rude, disgusting, a hoarder, and super fucking needy. He pages well over once an hour all day every day. He paged me just now. I get down there and he, gesturing only, indicated that I was to empty his catheter bag. Mind you, our facility isn’t really supposed to do things like that. That’s a CNA thing, we’re not medically licensed in any way. But what the fuck ever. I did. I came back. He said, “Well?” I said, “Well what?” He goes, “Are you gonna empty it?” I’m like wtf are you talking about? “I already did?” “No you didn’t.” 

There’s a box attached to his catheter bag. Idk what it’s there for, idk if it’s something important, idk anything about it. It’s like a little measuring box. I’m sure I could find what it is and how to take care of it if I really wanted to, but not fucking tonight. I said, “I don’t know what to do with that.” He’s like, “It’s the same damn thing.” “No it’s not.” “Yes it is, you just dump it out” and he’s raising his voice at me and if I hadn’t already cried 4 separate times tonight, I might’ve teared up. I got pissed and said, “Well do you want to do it?” 

Like. I work midnight shift. I don’t hear shit from fucking anybody. I ESPECIALLY have not heard shit from his nurse, the one who is supposed to be coming in to empty this fucking thing every day. All I know is he went to the hospital and came back and his bag had an attachment on it. Period. End of. 

So. No. I’m not going to fucking empty this fucking thing because I don’t know if it’s important or not and you can suck my dick. This piece of shit has run us ragged these past few weeks, treating us like his fucking servants fetching him fucking ice cream and ice for his cokes and this and that, calling us bitches and assholes and telling us to fuck off to our faces. He made me--a person who is HIGHLY uncomfortable in the presence of a penis--fucking help him pull his pants off, stand there while he wiped himself, and then had the AUDACITY to have me “inspect his scrote” (his words) to make sure there wasn’t shit on it. He made me fucking stand there while he ate ice cream for 5 fucking minutes “just to try it” because it was from Rally’s instead of wherever the fuck he gets his ice cream. 

I’m like. I’m done. I’m so fucking done. I want to go home and cry. I want to sleep for a thousand years. I love my job. I do. I love my people. But I’m so fucking TIRED. I haven’t had any spoons for goddamn weeks now, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to keep going. I just. I want so badly to just give up. If I weren’t the sole money-earner in the house right now, I can’t say with any certainty that I’d still be here. 

[meganharperr-blog]

COVID-19 Day 3

Why did I start on day 3 you might ask? Well day 1 was reserved for crying, self pity, deep bouts of depression, restless anxiety, and a shit ton of edibles. Day 2 was consumed by coming up with a plan. So let’s back track to what I can remember about those days and the questions I have been asked:

1.  What made you get tested? Did you have symptoms? I very honestly get routine tests. If I am exposed to larger groups of people than my norm, I get tested. If I have a bunch of makeup gigs, I get tested. I get tested for my clients and customers. It is my moral obligation and civil duty to make sure I am 100% healthy to perform justifiably in all the fields I conduct business…which is a vast amount of service based income. I am a makeup artist, and Esthetician, and a Bartender. I either have my hands physically on someone or I am serving masses of people at a given time. Now doing all of this I have become insanely hyper aware of sanitation. In my studio I have Clorox wipes at arms reach, I sanitize with Barbicide and I am Barbicide certified, all sheets and blankets get washed after every client, and if you have had your makeup done by me before you know I wont use the same brush twice and it must be sanitized in-between clients. This has all been second nature to me for years. So when I had a bunch of photoshoots and clients on the books I knew it was time to get tested for peace of mind. Only a week and 1/2 after my last COVID test. The only thing I can even consider a symptom would be the night before I had a headache. I took Advil and it went away no problem. I was also on my cycle and having cramps…or could they have been “body pains”? Shit idk. All I know is I made a joke about having COVID on my way to my rapid testing…

2. Have you heard that the rapid tests are not as accurate? When I got my results back in 15 min and it was my first ever positive I was shocked. I did not trust it right away and pretty much everyone in my circle said get a second opinion. So I got 2 more. One was another rapid test. The other would get back to me in 3 days. I mentally claimed it was a false positive. 

My brain: “shiiiit. There aint no way. No way in hell girl. You careful as shit. You got all these blessings coming your way. Business is booming. Opportunities are rising. Aint no slowing down for 2 weeks right now.” 

I of course made my partner come with me and get a rapid test as well as the test that would take 3 days to get back to us. While waiting for the results I wanted to get vitamins and snacks and what ever else I may need if this does become my reality. We get to Publix and my heart sinks into my asshole and I’m like…. SHOULD I EVEN GO IN THERE?! The anxiety started building right then and there. I thought to myself “Just keep your mask on, Social distance, you know wtf goin on just be safe” … as we get into the store I wasn’t feeling it. I saw older people around me and I just didn’t feel right and in that moment my phone started to ring. I bursted into tears and couldn’t even stay in the store. I just knew it. It was legit.. 

The lady on the phone was so nice. She asked if it was what I expected to hear and I honestly said “no”. Because I just knew I didn’t have it. I knew how careful I had been.I am not a perfect person by any means but I see y'all reckless ass Mfer’s out there and we are not the sameeeee man shit nawwww this couldn't happen to me. But it did. 

3. How did you get it? OMFG IDK! I have exhausted my brain with this question. How could this happen to me? Shit did I drop my mask at some point? Did I get too close to someone outside at ( insert bar name here ) when I went to have a drink on Saturday night? But it was outside? 

Googles : “Can you catch COVID outside? “

    “Can you catch COVID with a mask on?”

    “Can you catch COVID from  it being on your clothing?”

    “Can you catch COVID from a toilet seat?”

I mean you name it I Googled it. And the unfortunate answer was yes to all of the above. I got tested on the 4th. So I know I got it sometime after that. I of course contacted everyone I came in contact with….which was horrible! I felt freaking terrible!!! I swear it was worse than narrowing down an STD culprit. It’s like shit… you get an STD…you hit up your top 5, or top 10…look idk your life like that…and have everyone get tested. Let’s be real though you got it narrowed down and think you probably know who did you dirty….Get the results back and boom its over with. Take the meds move on with your life no-one has to know. COVID on the other hand can fucking KILL YEW, PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT, GRANDMAS THAT THEY CARE ABOUT, CHILDREN WITH PRE-EXISTING ISSUES, IT CAN KILL PEOPLE. So you gotta back track back track. Make sure all bases are covered especially when you work multiple outlets which is mad important these days. THE MORAL of all this is… idk. Idk how I got it. I am mad careful. I be judging you on social media for being out and reckless without a mask on. I get tested frequently. I have hand sanitizer in every bag I own, in my car, and all over my home. I AM A NEAT FREAK and a GERMY! I am careful. To say the least..but not perfect I am sure after working 10 hours in a mask I have let it fall for a few min! I am sure on my bike I have dropped it out of pure exhaustion. I know I have tried hard, but I am still human and this is all new.  So y’all non-maskers out there think you on to something…in reality you could have it too and not even know. Psh. Anyways. Next question…

4. Does your partner have it too? No. Somehow no. This is where we had to start coming up with a plan. We work together so this puts us both out of work. LUCKILY we have been saving incase of a shut down and we also have back up savings for a home we *hope* to purchase next year so that plan was solid…. But how to keep him healthy? Just because I do not have symptoms does not mean his body will react the same way. I need to make sure he does not get infected as well. We are going to continue to get him tested for the next several days to monitor that. He is quarantining and I am in what is called “isolation”for a minimum of 14 days. We try our best to stay in different rooms. We have a tiny apartment with one bathroom, so I am just constantly sanitizing right now. Everything I touch or may have touched gets a Clorox wipe. We both wear masks 24/7 in the house. Even if he goes outside to walk the dog, I am keeping a mask on. I have learned so much in the past 48 hours about contracting the virus that I do not even want to risk a drop of my saliva in this house. I am doing disposable masks every day. I luckily have plenty of masks and gloves from working on clients. If I cook I wash my hands, sanitize, then put on gloves. We eat in separate rooms or at the edge of the room so it feels like we are eating together. We are really trying our best and that is some shit they do not prepare you for. Your partner has to be careful around you. They cannot touch you or even come near you and sometimes have to remind you of that. Try to do chores in separate rooms. Try to not get your feelings hurt because its not that they don’t want to be around you, but it is dangerous and they cannot be. So my poor lil feelings keep getting hurt, but I’m a tough gal it’ll be alright I just want to make sure he stays healthy. 

5. Can you breathe? So this brings us to day 3. We have a plan. It has been working. I have my little cleaning things I am doing in one room, he has his in another…and I am pretty much in Go Mode. Before all of this I had a Cleaning Babe coming to help me with things so I had a list for her. I just embodied her and did the list myself plus some major decluttering. I have a ton of clothes to donate (that I am letting sit bagged up for 14 days just to be cautious before donating…some shit I read idk…might get anxious and throw it all away…tbd) so while I am going to town cleaning out my abyss I start to get really short of breath and kinda lethargic. I laid down on the bed to catch my breath for several minutes then took a little break from cleaning. This is the first time I have felt any type of crazy. I still have a lot of anxiety about the days to come. Will it get worse? Will I start to feel like actual hell on earth? Will I be able to keep my partner safe? Shit idk but I am trying really hard. They simply do not tell you about the anxiety that you will have. It is normal. You are going to be generally overwhelmed if you are a good person. Just stay good. and Stay aware.... and Stay tuned. I may not write every single day. But I will keep you updated. If you have any helpful stuff for me to read, please send it my way! If you have any questions feel free to ask. If you have been in this situation with a live in positive and negative… what’s your advice? My DM’s and PM’s are open. 

[princess--catherine]

Maybe y’all will hate me for this, I’m all for women’s rights and the Me Too movement but has it maybe taken a turn it shouldn’t have? I can already feel the hatred

Just in the past couple weeks I’ve seen at least 3 “predators/rapists exposed”, and after looking into it I saw no predatory behavior to expose that was given. And people are losing their shit over this “cancelation?” The evidence for this one? “Had a minor backstage”...you think that didn’t and doesn’t currently happen with idk, every Disney star EVER and boy band on the radio? I’m sure a portion of Billie Eilish fans who’s parents buy backstage passes are REAL young, is she cancelled too? Since when does having a minor in your presence = any type of sexual behavior? This allegation causally mentions “backstage minor” and quickly moves to “predator” with no cohesion there. Since when does an adult simply being around a minor automatically make you guilty of doing sick shit? The “evidence” shown was pretty pathetic: cropped and blocked out texts with no name as to who it’s from, no name but said star predator, no time stamp or date, no pics, no voice memos, no emails, no proof of any kind that there was any truth to the claims, no detail, no real allegation actually even made from what I saw. Unless the “so and so did this” part was in invisible ink. I could literally google the date of a ‘insert famous person here’ concert or general tour dates, and do the same with a texting app or with someone else’s phone. This is an Accusation on someone of a serious sex crime on the sole basis maybe 5 texts, some of which are hidden, and ALL of which are anonymous, detail no criminal activity, are never worth ending or attempting to make sure someone’s career over.

Another one I saw was an explanation that another social media person made a somewhat crude comment/gusture towards a woman he knew but wasn’t super familiar with. One time, no actual touching. He was later told by a friend “not cool, other lady friend did not like”, he did as he should have and apologized, and it didn’t happen again- admittedly on both sides. The two girls told him everything was cool and okay, no harm no foul, don’t worry about it. It didn’t happen again and the friendship continued. Days later, “evidence” comes out from one of them citing him as a sexual predator for this situation. This incident. Yeah, it’s not cool to get in peoples space or compliment them in certain ways if your friendship is not on that level and it hasn’t been established. That I agree with, that it simply wasn’t very polite, but a) no one was actually touched physically in anyway and b) the “crude” comment from my understanding was about an outfit fitting her well or being firm fitting. Yeah, that might make ya feel a lil icky, but there was no sexual suggestion or threat. There’s a huge difference between unwanted attention and sexual harassment. Someone else later gets involved but says she’s “not comfortable/willing to discuss” but still insists he’s a predator but doesn’t show a single shred of any involvement or information. If I was these people being falsely accused, getting death treats and doxxed, and ultimately, “cancelled”/therefore loss of income possibly long term , with basically no evidence or someone saying shit like “yes, that’s a predator. Nobody gets to know why I’m saying that though. I don’t want to relive it, my bad. You horrible people need to stop supporting this sex offender!” I’d be sueing the shit out of someone and everyone for slander. Like this is unreal to me. It really blows my mind.

Before you message me hateful shit, hear me out. I’m not saying these guys are stand up, amazing, perfectly well behaved dudes. I’m not saying they’ve never done anything predatory or wrong before in their lives or careers. Lord knows narcissistic and higher than thou types run entertainment. I’m sure they all got their attitude and behavioral problems. I’m just saying the info I just read and described is almost nothing being real generous, no rational person sees that and labels someone a sex offender. You’re accusing someone of a very serious crime, in a lot of cases a fat ole felony, being a RSO list sometimes for a lifetime. Bill Cosby? Deserve it. Weinstien? Deserve it. Epstein? Deserved to be under the jail. I understand there’s not always physical evidence, or maybe there’s not enough to build a case/a case is unwanted by victim. Some say they want people to know and be warned. If that’s what you truly want, you truly truly are trying to protect others, go in 150%. Everything you got. But when this person publicly and openly calling someone out by name for being a “rapist/sexual predator”, absolutely dragging them thru the mud, and the reasoning, the justification for this is that he was dating other women? nah sis. That’s not how this works, getting played, while scummy, is NOT RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT/etc. (*this is excluding things that don’t apply to this particular story like recanting consent or knowingly passing on an STI) So sure, he’s a probably a POS, clearly unloyal, he’s maybe learned the art of sweet talkin his way into this one way monogamous relationship, and I frankly wouldnt feel bad if one of those girls who got played popped 3 of his tires, bought a fuck ton of spiders and sneak them into his bedroom or something. But not jail or prison. What he did (unless other info comes out) isn’t something to be uplifted or encouraged, it’s poor, unfair behavior. But what he did is not CRIMINAL. It’s just shitty and inconsiderate. And I know y’all are reading this thinkin “fuck this bitch”, making assumptions before you read a fraction of what I’m saying.

So let me explain a situation I was accidentally involved in a few years ago with someone who was “famous” around those parts and had lots of fans and groupies. Let’s call him “Lee”. Long story short, a friend and I were with him and different other people basically from like 8-9 pm to around 4 am. He was alone (out of my sight) only 3 times: once to use the bathroom at my friends before leaving, once in the men’s bathroom at a club, and for maybe 5 minutes when I had to change at my friends place before going back over. They lived in the same complex and stuff so it was basically throwing on some sweats and taking an elevator down. We hangout, drink, smoke, talk. Lowkey, chill.

I wake up the next day, someone texted me this link about “Lee” raping a girl. I’m thinking “holy shit, that’s scary and insane, we were just with him last night drinking and shit.” Keep reading...it says it was the night before. Same date we were with him. And the time the assault supposedly took place was when we had come back to his place, where other people were already there, we were sitting there forever talking/whatever, this girl who pointed the finger was not even in the room and left before we did. She poked her head in once and asked where Lee’s roommate was. He told her cookout, it’s late so it’ll be a minute. Asked her if she wanted to hang out with us. She declined. So I figured maybe this info was wrong somehow and at the time I wasn’t making the connection between that girl and this story. I was like, no way a girl would lie about that of all things and especially knowing it’d likely get picked up by the local media, or at least local gossip. Her life here would be over. My friend and I decided to go talk to the police even though I avoid the damn police at all costs. The first thing I asked this officer was: “are you POSITIVE this is the date, place, and time, and are you POSITIVE “Lee” is who she is accusing?” And I asked that mostly because I was not about to defend or vouch for someone about a situation I wasn’t present for. Also, I wasn’t the biggest fan of “Lee”, so I sure as shit I wasn’t getting myself involved and going to bat for him without knowing it’s right. The Officer was very adamant that all that info was correct, victim was very sure. I explained to him everything I explained above, but I’m sure in better detail and included texts, pics, videos all with times, plus receipts showing how this isn’t adding up. He wasn’t alone the entire night and early morning. Officer ask me if she (the victim) was visiting a roommate of Lee’s, if they were sleeping together during her visit, I told him the truth which was that I didn’t really know for sure but it was a possibility. He told me somebody else had claimed she was no longer welcome for unknown reasons and believed this to be be related. I explain to the officer that I won’t speak on her time with the roommate because I saw her only long enough for her to ask a question and respond to another. Before she peeped out the door, I had no clue anyone was in there. I said I think she told me her name but I’m awful with names even sober so. He started getting kinda hostile and cutting me short. I repeated exactly what I told him the first time: I’m only speaking on what I witnessed and what I know to be true. So, if you and she are correctly reciting the time, place, person being accused, this accusation is untrue. He first makes a bitchy threat like “you know these girls who lie for these athlete boys can really get in trouble? They all end up broke after the NFL anyway if they even make it. Lying for a friend is illegal, that’s breaking the law and will get YOU in jail.” I lost all my fear of speaking to a police officer at this point because they KNOW this man did not just call me a liar to my face despite my 1:2 of the evidence already fucking up this accusation. I told him that I honestly wasn’t a fan either professionally or personally of “Lee” and I would lie for no one regardless of friendship or status about this, I’d turn in my own flesh and bloood brother and sing like a bird if I caught him doing any sex offender shit. So again, I told this slow man with 2 braincelle this was the reason I asked about how sure he was and he believed the victim was, on the time, place, person, etc. Officer says something along the lines of “well, something happened to this girl and this boy’s gonna be hurtin for it. Someone’s getting charged here.” Which I dunno bout y’all, maybe I’m reading it wrong. But What I gathered from that is: “I’ve decided to be judge and jury in this situation and moreorless declare this young man guilty despite evidence in front of my own eyeballs that shows that there is a good chance the accused is innocent.

I have no idea why this happened. But after we spoke to that dickhead cop it was dropped relatively quickly. I don’t remember now if she pulled the charges herself or the state denied to prosecute. And even still, this followed him. The internet is forever. When his great grandkids google his college career, that will show up. Please keep in mind this was a black athlete, playing ball for a big college in the south, with a white girl accuser, all the cops I saw at that station were white in the short time I was there and at least the one I spoke to had his mind made up. He was loud and clear about that. He said basically the same to my friend who was interviewed separately, that he was determined to convict him, he was “the one”. This city I’m speaking of has been sued for police brutality against BPOC and I’ve heard my friends/classmates getting called the N word (hard ER) in the broad, open day light. So yeah add that info in with the rest and come to your own conclusion.

Before anyone comes for my throat again: idk exactly what DID happen but I know what DID NOT. Which to be clear, is pretty specifically: this rape with this person, did not happen here and at this time. So I’m not saying something didn’t happen but under different circumstances. I know trauma can mess with memories and if something did happen under different circumstances, I am so sorry that happened to her, I wouldn’t wish sexual assault on my worst enemy. I’m also not saying she necessarily had ill intentions or knew it would proceed and go viral as it did. The point is I just don’t know, no clue. Not throwing any blame or shade her way, all blame and shade on that cop though. ACABs, no excuse for his ass.

Anyway, y’all don’t gotta believe this since it’s been a few years and I highly doubt that stuff is anywhere in my phone like 4 iPhones and two laptops later. No reason to front, I don’t gain anything by lying but a guilty conscience. But this scenario that I btw, very much did not wish to be a part of, showed me another side of things. Can we agree to yes of course, trust and support women but also trust evidence and testimony? While, yes, stats show few women lie about this, can we at the same time understand questioning and thoroughly investigating such a heinous crime? Can we also recognize the system is literally built to “serve & protect” some by severely and systematically oppressing others? There are people, too many damn people, who have lost absolutely everything, served major time in big boy maximum security 23-1s, and have been put to death, based on biases and little to no evidence.

Next time you see an accusation, regardless of what it is, please do a little research. Make your own conclusion. Put yourself in their shoes, would you want to be “convicted” (either legally or through SM bullshit) on a snip it of convo with almost no information/context? Called a rapist cause you led someone on? No. You wouldn’t. Actually for any crime for that matter. You would reasonably ask and expect for it to be fair, two sided, and with as much evidence or info as possible. So let’s treat musicians, athletes, influencers, celebs the same way. Let’s not condemn before gathering as much information as possible. If not, I am so afraid we will drive an innocent person to suicide. We would all feel so guilty if someone was driven to suicide over false or misleading statements. Let’s avoid this, please.

[kuntrabida]

2. the axon snaps and thoughts can’t travel (a rant abt COVID-19, senior year spring, and college in the fall)

12 may 2020

the gap year. the fall sem. the jump cut. the FUTURE. much on my mind right now folks lmao (prob folk in singular since like one (1) person’s gonna read this ashvcxjkv)

okay so let’s break this DOWN ig. yea LET’S unpack my inner psyche and my mental baggage at this point because i’m sure that i can’t be the only one feeling this way and even if i am, i’d like to get it off my chest and not rant to the same five people who’ve heard me talk about the same sad subject throughout the entire duration of quarantine asdjfkvcxufdsw

let’s start with senior year haHA :) still haven’t gotten over that xoxo even tho i’ve tricked myself into thinking that i have! gonna refer to it as ye olde Jump Cut because that’s exactly what all this feels like... like mother nature just threw the video file of my high school experience into a fuckinn Premiere timeline or smth and slammed her fist on the W key (an esoteric reference, i know, i know, my bad, but iykyk). 

THE JUMP CUT – senior year’s over and i know it’s a stupid fucking thing to be upset about during a LITERAL GLOBAL PANDEMIC where people are losing and risking their lives and entire livelihoods are being upended but i still... can’t help but feel upset and terrified and devastated about what i’ve always viewed as this buffer period in my life between high school and college to just VIBE and figure myself out a little bit more being cut short. especially when, for once, things were going so well.  

god, the last thing i wanna do is sound dramatic and utterly tone deaf because I RECOGNIZE my privilege and how incredibly fortunate i am to have a roof over my head and food in my fridge and a bed with a damn duvet cover to sleep in at night but i’m... so fucking sad. i’ve BEEN so fucking sad, and i think what’s even worse is the fact that i’ve been DENYING how fucking sad i’ve been feeling because i don’t think i’m... allowed to be sad in this situation? but at the same time i consciously understand that my feelings are valid and everything... it just feels like legitimately everything else in the world right now dwarfs all my concerns combined. but alas. here i am, making a blog post about my feelings to finally try and sort them out...

i just aghsdfhxhzjlk i wasn’t finished. that really is the best way to put it. i wasn’t finished with any of it. and i suppose a lot of that is my own fault for taking all the good times for granted (but also lowkey the fault of idek who... american society? for romanticizing and commodifying the culmination of high school oop)/

i feel like so many people focus on those big milestone events associated with senior year: prom, graduation, senior awards, etc. but to me personally, and to nearly every one of the friends i’ve talked to, it’s the little things that matter most — the absence of which we feel the deepest. i miss spilling coffee on myself in the cafeteria and burning frozen pastries in the toasters and complimenting people’s outfits in the hallways and staying in the building from dawn till dusk and eating takeout on the floor and hastily texting my friends at the end of the school day asking if they wanted to hang out or if they could give me a ride home and i MISS spontaneous sushi and starbucks excursions and quiet heart to hearts in coffee shops and last minute target runs and stressing out about music events and belting in the practice rooms and learning choreography in parking lots where confused drivers would momentarily glance over and just KEEP ON DRIVING and lying on the ground in one of the school’s hallways facing the sun when the light would hit JUST RIGHT through the glass and i could close my eyes and pretend i was at the beach or on an island or in a canyon somewhere or SOMETHING, anywhere, anywhere but there. and i feel this chasm in my throat whenever i think about it because looking back at those moments, i realize that there’s literally no place i’d rather be right now than inside my high school building on a normal ass day dealing with normal ass problems with exceptional, radiant, life-giving souls there to have my back and support me and hug me wow, GOD, hug me. wow how i miss hugs. and I miss my friends. shit. 

hell bro i even miss the days where everything would become a little too much for me and i’d have to find recluse in a digital media classroom and the scent of old lemon-laced coffee grounds as they brewed into dingy styrofoam cups and wandered through the halls with me during the period, into the music room where i literally grew UP and found my voice and discovered validity in my own identity and all that JAZZ and into the bathrooms where i’d spend such subtle, unsuspecting mornings with friends still practically sleepwalking and FUCK bro. frankly i’m just not ready to jump into a life where all the things i hold dear are “remember when”s. i can’t imagine this entire world that i’ve built for myself being a thing of the past, a thing that i’ll look back on as one of the best fucking times of my life even though i never realized it when it mattered, a thing i still want so so so much more of, that i am not and may not ever be ready to let go. i want it all back. but i know getting upset over it is a futile pursuit, because there’s nothing i can do, and that just fuels this feedback cycle of anger and hopelessness and denial and back again. 

i do think of that good ol’ winnie the pooh quote, though. “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” but it doesn’t really make anything hurt any less. and i guess i’m just tired of hurting lol. 

THE FUTURE – dawg what the fuck is happening with colleges in the United States right now bro what is the protocol what do i DO¿

pretty damn self explanatory. my defense mechanism has ALWAYS been, “at least things will be better a couple months from now!!!!” and yeah, with university and the reality of getting to attend my dream college fast approaching i did believe that for a hot second but CORONA DAWG CORONA just plunges everything into the sea of uncertainty. i know i’m not the only one frustrated by this damn virus and i should be comforted by the unity we all have in our confusion but lmao i do not feel any better! no! one! has! any! answers! asdjfkvlcxvjl being a graduating high school and incoming college student right now is so FUCKING confusing and frightening and once again i want to acknowledge what an incredible privilege it is to even have the option of a higher education open to me but it’s such a multifaceted and unpredictable issue this year and thinking about the future — again my go-to defense mechanism and at the very least a worthy consideration since i’ll be putting down hella dollars for it — has been the cause of so much stress... 

THE FALL SEM – i! don’t! know! if! it’s! gonna! be! on!line! and i am not planning on staying in my house any longer for a goddamn variety of reasons soo i have no clue how to plan for this! no one does right now! 

our administration keeps affirming that we’re planning for a return to normalcy in the fall semester but a considerable amount of students and experts alike are saying that it’s essentially a cover so no one’ll panic and decline or defer their acceptances. SO MANY OTHER COLLEGES are revealing their contingency plans to have an online semester and ahaHA if i have to STAY in this HOUSE for ANOTHER 4 MONTHS that would FRICKIN SUCK DAWG lmaO i’ll leave it at that! so i’m: very much panicking! 

i know that things are so uncertain right now and there’s really no point in trying to predict what’s going to happen in the next couple of months because so many unknowns remain. i know that a lot of universities are gonna be in deep shit if they don’t open in the fall but at the same time, if it’s a damn public health risk it’s definitely better to keep as many people home as possible. but i have no CLUE what institutions are gonna end up doing and again, literally no one does either! i was listening to a podcast yesterday about university plans for the upcoming academic year and i got asdhvjckxv so stressed when they said that we could be one week away from the start of the school year and things could still be drastically different the next week... there’s just no way of knowing much of anything and god i hate that. it’s making me so goddamn anxious. 

i really doubt things are going to be back to normal in New York in the fall sooo...? i don’t know man again it comes down to asking people questions they don’t have the answers to and that’s just incredibly frustrating because i just want to know ONE THING for certain right now. ONE THING! idk i just wish that my college would be a little more transparent about their plans as they move along and figure things out but i know that’s not feasible. at the very least i hope things will be safe enough for them to make dorming on campus an option — freshmen have a pretty ample amount of singles available anyway. but if i have to spend the first semester of college onLINE in THIS HOUSE that’s... gonna suck. especially because i’m still probably going to be paying thousands of dollars for it which is, as my grandmother says, foul! 

THE GAP YEAR – to defer or not to defer? that is the question. 

so naturally in preparation for a potentially wonky ass academic year i’m considering deferring enrollment. but lmao... the deadline to do so is in uh *checks watch* three (3) literal days so. don’t know about that chief! 

like, i know i’m PROBABLY NOT gonna end up taking a gap year. but i guess it’s just the fact that i have so much more canvas space to daydream about it that makes it so appealing... there are so many more possibilities that i can think of that are more likely to be open to me. then again, nothing’s guaranteed. not even my own health in the fall. which is also pretty fuckin scary as hell.

y’all wanna know where i get my gap year daydream fuel? UNJADED JADE. bruh i’ve been binging her videos like MAD especially the ones where she interrails Europe during her gap year and UGH. it seems incredible. and that makes things even more confusing because i really don’t know what the right decision to make is right now. to defer or not to defer... 

again it’s all so heavily influenced by unknowns. of all the things that could happen, i’d much prefer to have a regular freshman year fall with the people in my class whom i’ve already been getting to know pretty well through groupchats and social media and the like. they’re a pretty dope bunch and i think college with them is gonna be a hoot and a goddamn half. but if i’ll end up just staying home and watching zoom lectures in my basement anyway... i’d much rather be taking a gap year. 

and i’ve been brainstorming what i’d do during this gap year (again, thanks Unjaded Jade for the god-tier content agh) and there’s just like... so many options. i could get a goddamn JOB and start saving up for tuition instead of paying tens of thousands for online school. hell with the money i make working full time i could probably save up enough to afford an apartment so at the very least i could move out of my house into a place where i feel more comfortable. and lmao I: s a l i v a t e at the thought of using that time to focus on my writing, too. the amount of writing i could get done in a year of empty calendar space... glorious. what an utterly glorious prospect. 

and of course, i’d love to fucking travel, volunteer (with a reputable and well-intentioned organization) in a foreign country, do a workstay abroad, take a train across america, but again, i don’t even know if any of that’s going to be feasible in the fall. it’s so FRUSTRATING because i’ll think of a possibility and then another one comes in and completely shuts the former down. 

and it’s not like i can ask anyone for advice right now because we’re ALL none the wiser. plus, i’ve realized that frankly, even if it’s unreasonable, i don’t want anyone to tell me that my plans for a gap year aren’t feasible. it’s such a petulant thing to say... but i don’t want anyone to add to my sense of there being a limited amount of options that i can take advantage of because everything’s already so goddamn stifling as is. i guess the prospect of a gap year excites me so much because it seems like a year where i don’t have to be defined by anyone or anything but myself. and that’s so fucking liberating. 

i just want the freedom to imagine right now because that’s when i feel happiest, but at the same time i’m afraid to get my hopes up for anything because i have this sinking feeling that the absolute worst case scenario is going to become reality. lmao. people in my state aren’t even fucking social distancing correctly so i’m damn sure that we’re in for a second and a third wave and that’s gonna suck but people are stupid as hell :)  

lol on that positive note, thanks for reading this... increasingly depressing and chaotic rant. don’t really think i’m doing this “blog” stuff right but if you got this far, i love you. leave a note if you so please, comment your thoughts, reblog if you’d like (still don’t really understand the difference between reblogging and reposting on this app but lmao feel free to click the boxy arrow thing), and stay safe and healthy and all that jazz <3