#if i were more learned than i am i might say something like this video is an attempt to revive structuralism

[weiszklee]

Recently watched this JohntheDuncan video, and it gives some great insights into what I too see as a very real and very worrying trend, of queerphobia in general and lately transphobia specifically acting as a sort of uniting cause for many rightwing groups, from neo-Nazis to Evangelicals to radfems to zionists to garden-variety conservatives to liberal capitalist institutions.

And I too don't think this uneasy alliance is a coincidence, and I too don't think it's just strategic either. All these groups really do pursue transphobia for its own merits, so to say. Transphobia is right at home in all these disparate ideologies. And it's easy to find examples of people migrating from one of these to the other, already made acquainted via transphobia.

But I don't think Duncan's ultimate thesis here is correct, that all these different ideologies are mere offshoots of some nebulous but all-encompassing historical force of white-supremacist cishet-patriarchal colonialist capitalism. I just don't think reality works like that. If you widen your view that much, all you're left with being able to say is either untrue or trivial. The goals and the role that transphobia plays in these groups is just too different, and you lose all this important specificity if you try to paint such a huge universal throughline for all of them.

Different groups adopting similar narratives just doesn't actually tell you all that much about these groups. Some narratives are just so convincing or so present within wider society for random reasons, that it's easy to land on them independently. So I can't give too much credence to Duncan's presented evidence of the presence of narratives around infiltrators and so on.

Trans people themselves are very capable of producing these very narratives as well, see for example transmedicalists and queer inclusionists accusing each other of being infiltrating agents of the patriarchy. And no, I don't think these accusations are expressions of white-supremacist colonialist capitalist brainwashing or whatever. It's just a pattern of thought people tend to fall into sometimes, especially under stress. And it's a pattern often fostered and exploited in the process of radicalisation, so we shouldn't be surprised to see it so prominently and loudly repeated over and over by so many different groups. It doesn't mean much. It especially doesn't mean that all these groups grow from the same root.

[traveler-at-heart]

Across the Natashaverse - Part 2

Natasha Romanoff x F!R

Summary: After you're sent to another world, Natasha has to deal with yourself, from another universe, and a very different life.

Other POV from this fic.

“Put more weight on your left foot” Natasha says, barely checking America’s movements.

Of course she knows this is important. Maria asked her to train Chavez in the basics of hand to hand combat. Her mind is elsewhere, though.

Especifically, you.

Natasha thought she was doing you a favor, she really did. Someone as kind as you could do much better than her. Agreeing to a date would only give you false hope, so she rejected the invitation.

It was foolish of her to think that things would be the same after that. You weren’t distant or rude, though that might have been easier.

Every morning, you’d still have breakfast with her, show her funny videos or tell her about your latest discoveries in the lab with Stark, which in the end, were related to her work as well.

You simply stopped sharing your interests, or going out of your way to seek her company. Long gone were the days of sitting together at the Met while you talked about your favorite paintings. Or the grocery shopping that turned into strolls through Central Park and ended in your favorite bookshop.

All that was left now were pleasantries.

“Am I doing it right?” America asks. She sure as hell isn’t, so Natasha shakes her head, hoping she can manage to focus on the task at hand.

“Stop” she says, stepping on the sparring mat.

“Please don’t tell me you want me to fight you”

“You’re punching the air, Chavez. The only way to learn is by doing. It will be fine”

The girl doesn’t seem too convinced, but Natasha starts with slow movements and corrects America as they go. When the intensity of the training increases, the girl’s powers begin to stir. A yellow flash on the ceiling distracts Natasha, and the next thing she feels is America’s fist colliding with her cheek.

“Crap! Agent Romanoff, I’m so sorry”

But there’s another loud thud, not far from the gym.

“Did you hear that?” Natasha asks, trying to figure what the noise is.

“Maybe”

“Take a break” Natasha instructs, looking around the room to check if everything’s alright. The team is still figuring out the extent of her powers and Natasha worries the girl just unleashed a demonic creature or something.

The redhead is so focused on the room, she doesn’t notice someone approaching.

That is, until she feels a hard slap on her ass, and a sultry voice against her ear.

“There’s my favorite ass-assin”

Five seconds later, she has the intruder upside down, back against the floor, gasping for air.

“Baby, I know you don’t like my jokes but this is a little too much, don’t you think?”

It takes her a second to process what’s happening.

“Y/N?”

“Hey, love” you smirk, all smug despite being knocked down by Natasha. “The weirdest thing just happened, I was going to get a snack because Anya was moody and then fell on my ass right outside the gym”

Natasha stares at you, as if you’re speaking a foreign language. And then it all clicks. The slightly longer hair, how you smell and feel different.

She let’s go of you and starts pulling your shirt by the collar.

“Hell yeah, let’s get naked”

“Where’s your birthmark?”

“I don’t have a…”

“You’re from another world”

“Ah, that’s so sweet…” you try to lean forward and kiss her, but she pushes you away. “Babe, I’m getting mixed signals here”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., call for an emergency meeting”

—

“I’m sorry, she’s what?” Sam points at you, and Natasha pinches the bridge of her nose.

“She’s from another universe. America must have opened up a portal when we were training”

“Alright, so she just opens it back and we correct the mistake”

“It’s not that simple” Tony walks in.

“Uhm, guys. This meeting should be for Avengers only” you lower your voice, eyeing the man suspiciously.

“Hello? That table you’re sitting in so carelessly. Mahogany. Paid by me”

“Yeah, I’ve never seen this man before”

“A world without Tony Stark” Steve says, amused.

“Must be really quiet in your Compound” Sam says and you smirk.

“Why, no thanks to you. Not with all those super models you’re always bringing back to your room” you raise your eyebrows and Sam’s eyes widen.

“I date super models? I wanna go to her world”

Steve and Tony begin to argue about how that will make the multiverse collapse, when Natasha interrupts them.

“She’s messing with you, idiots”

Tony and Sam look at each other and then at you. You almost fall to the ground as you laugh. Since you’re not helpful, the team ignores you as they keep discussing the best way to identify your reality and correct the glitch.

“Y/N 2.0, we need more information about your… where did she go?” Tony grumbles.

“I got this” Natasha sighs, stomping to the kitchen. Sure enough, you’re rummaging through the fridge, complaining at every item of food you find.

“Don’t you have anything with sugar here?”

“You’re free to prepare anything for yourself”

“Not unless you want the kitchen to explode, Nat”

The redhead pushes you aside, while you look around the living room, inspecting the pictures on every place you can find.

“No wedding? Or Anya?”

“Nope” Natasha says, her voice shaking lightly.

“Why?”

“None of your business” she says, handing you a plate with a sanwich.

“Thanks. How did you know I was lying about Stark and Wilson?”

“Your voice gets all high pitched when you tell a lie” she answers, refusing to look at you.

“Huh” you mumble, taking a bite out of the sandwich. “Um. Is this peanut butter?”

“Would her Highness prefer caviar?” Natasha teases, but turns around and finds you covered in hives. “Shit!”

“That’s fine” you say, struggling to breathe. “Nothing an epi can’t fix, love”

You pass out in the middle of the kitchen, wondering if you’ll leave this foreign universe in one piece.

—

After leaving you at the medbay, Natasha goes back to the meeting room. She’s examining all the reports and missions that are related to multiverses. It’s a lot to digest, including all the quantum physics.

Alone for the first time since this whole thing started, she finally allows herself the chance to miss you. Right around this time, you’d be making dinner, and she’d be in the kitchen, pretending to help just to be close to you.

What if she never gets you back?

“Hello, there” a voice says. You approach slowly, knowing it’s best not to surprise her.

“How are you feeling? I’m really sorry…”

“There’s no way you could have known. It honestly never occurred to me that things like allergies were different” you say, patting her leg. “Interested in string theory?”

“Yeah, it’s a great ice breaker” Natasha says, and you chuckle. “You don’t seem too worried”

“The America Chavez of my world has had a bit more training. I’m sure I’ll be back home for lunch tomorrow”

“You could have said something!” Natasha feels the need to kick your ass again.

“Hey, I was gonna! And then I almost died”

“Jerk”

“What are you so worried about? She’s in a safe world”

“What if your Natasha gave Y/N a similar welcome?”

“Oh, I’m sure she had her pinned to a wall, only for very different reasons”

Natasha turns to you, alarmed. Her jealousy is so obvious that all you can do is laugh.

“There it is. I wasn’t sure you had any feelings towards her. Wanna tell me what happened?” you nudge her chair with your foot and she looks at you, annoyed.

“She asked me out, gave me flowers, I said no”

“Flowers, huh? Well, she’s more romantic than me. Natasha and I were pretending to be a couple for a mission and then I just blurted out I wouldn’t mind doing it again under different circumstances” you explain, laughing at the memory.  “But hey, if flowers and chocolates aren’t your thing, I respect it”

“It’s not like that”

“Then, what is it like?”

She thinks back to all the times you’ve made her feel safe, cared for, loved. You make it look so easy, but for the life of her, Natasha can’t figure out how to reciprocate.

What you make her feel, is too good and beautiful for someone like her.

“I haven’t earned her love” is all she manages to say.

“Natasha” you call, softly, and only speak when she finally turns to you. “You don’t have to do anything to be deserving of love”

There is silence, and then you take her hand in yours.

“Come on, I’m starving. Let’s grab some Chinese”

“Fine. No more peanut butter, though. I don’t want to fight myself if something happens to you”

“Now that would be entertaining”

—

Next morning, everyone is back in the meeting room. Apparently, due to some bad experiences, they’ve decided you should come back to your world immediately, before the universes collapse.

“I promise you, it will be fine” you insist. Natasha is the only one that seems to believe you, so you save yourself the trouble and spin around in the office chair.

“Can you stop?” Steve says, irritated.

“I’m trying to create a vortex that is powerful enough to send me back to my reality, Steve” but he still glares and you stand up. “Fine. I’m getting a snack”

As you exit the room, Natasha comes running behind you.

“Wait. I wanted to apologize”

“Steve is an old grumpy man, don’t sweat it”

“No, not about that. I’m sorry for… being so hard on you when you first got here”

“We deal with aliens and all kinds of threats.  It’s not so crazy to think that an intruder is dangerous. It’s all good, Nat” you shrug your shoulders.

“I just wouldn’t be ok if your Natasha had acted that way with my Y/N”

“Your Y/N?” you repeat, pleased as Natasha blushes. “Good for you, Romanoff. Get the girl. Trust me when I say, she’ll make it worth it” you wiggle your eyebrows.

“Such a flirt”

“We can’t help ourselves around you, no matter the universe”

You wink, and walk to the kitchen, leaving Natasha in the hallway.

Inevitably, she thinks about you. The one that belongs here, with her. Are you enjoying your time in that other universe? Will you resent her for bringing you back? Maybe that Natasha is more loving and sweet, and you’ll finally realise that she can’t actually make you happy…

Her thoughts begin to spiral again, until the commotion in the room breaks her train of thought.

“Damn, you fell from the ceiling” Sam says, looking up. A yellow portal closes just as Natasha opens up the door. Everyone’s around you, and when your face comes to view, Natasha’s heart almost stops.

There’s a little cut and bruising from the fall, but you’re back.

She pushes everyone, and wraps you in her arms. You return the gesture.

“Hey, it’s ok. It’s me”

She hugs you closer, smiling against your neck.

Natasha’s never letting go again.

—

“So, tell me everything!” you say, sitting next to Natasha as you drive back home. “Did I tell you I almost died to peanut exposure?”

“Looks like someone had fun” your wife comments and you smile.

“What about you, my love? Did you do anything dirty with my other self?”

“Well, there might have been some kissing and touching before I noticed…”

“Not to brag, but the other Natasha was on top of me” you say, trying to pretend like it’s no big deal your wife kissed another you.

“You pissed her off and she threw you to the ground, didn’t she?” Natasha smirks.

Damn it.

“Maybe”

Seeing your daughter brings you back to reality. Fun as it was to be in another universe, your life is perfect here.

“Mommy, are you cooking dinner again tonight?” the girl says as you carry her to the kitchen.

“Uh… let’s have lunch first, yes? Go wash your hands”

Natasha hands you a plate of what the other Y/N made and you gasp.

“Holy crap, this is delicious! Babe, not gonna lie, I wouldn’t have judged you if you fucked her against a wall after tasting her food”

“You’re such an idiot” Natasha rolls her eyes, sitting on your lap and stealing a bite of the pasta. “But you are my idiot”

“Always and in every universe, baby”

You kiss her softly, happy to be home.

[nyuuronfly]

On Rain World lore and it's implementation within the game.

This is kindof a random ramble I went on in a Discord chat and just feel like sharing elsewhere. (also note this is all primarily in reference to the original game, Survivor's story.)

I honestly think too many miss the forest for the trees a bit with RW, in terms of how important the lore is, if that makes sense. I talked with somebody about first-time experiences with the game and they said they'd watched a number of lore explanation videos on YT before starting, because of some reason along the lines of "I didn't trust the game to deliver its own story properly." To me this is almost saddening to hear because I really feel that misses the point of why the game has it's lore to begin with.

To me, while playing, any tidbits i learned about history or other information contributed to a feeling like the world I was navigating had a very real history that saturated it, yet one that I would be unable to grasp fully. It is an illusory feeling of realness, given how it is experienced. The game is mechanically not designed to incentivize collecting many information pearls, especially when in the original game you can literally just drop them off a cliff and lose them forever. You get the feeling often like you are bound to never be able to get everything, nor would you even probably want to put in the effort, so the illusion actually stays stronger because of that. Your mind wanders speculating about every little detail, whether intention truly existed behind it or not, because it feels like it did. You learned that it might have. Maintaining that illusion while playing I think is the primary reason they were included, not actually the experience of "knowing" the history. Rain World in general seems to have a thematic fixation on the simple idea that individuals have limited perspectives. Joar Jakobsson has said that one of the core ideas behind Rain World was to recreate the life of a "rat in Manhattan." That is to say, a creature that understands how to find food, hide, and live in a complex man-made structure, that cannot understand it's structuring purpose or why it was built. The very core issue of the iterators, is that the solution to the "great problem" intrinsically has to lie with knowledge that could only be obtained from "the other side." They are corporeal beings trying to know something that pertains to something outside corporeal reality. Yet pursuit of knowledge is very important to creatures like ourselves. Collecting any individual pearl is mostly an exercise in doing a lot just for little bits of knowledge. There is a lot of understanding of just how significant wanting to know more is, even something unimportant, when you are left in the dark the way you are in the game. Most information pearls you deliver are literally completely useless to know about, but they feel personally important, especially in how finding them relates to your connection to the iterators. My primary motivation to find pearls in my first play was to spend more time with Moon. On a very real emotional level, Moon felt like my only friend in the world while I played. On a mechanical level, she does literally nothing. But Rain World manages to operate on a very emotional, even instinctual level with how it's designed. I wanted to be in her company and have something to give her. Because I am alone, and lost. So something along those lines is why I felt saddened to hear the sentiment like Rain World somehow "fails" to deliver it's "story." The purpose of the game is not to find pearls and hear about some grand narrative. At it's core, Rain World is a game that's design was inspired by nature, and it's use of history within the world relates to us as a player the way history relates to us as people. It is relayed through people reading from records created by parties with their own perspectives, and connects us abstractly to a sensation that there is more out there than our own lives. That is a feeling you have as a player, and ultimately the true story that Rain World tells is the memories you have playing it. What you did, saw, and felt. The same as how our story is that of our own lives. That is the purpose of the game.

[didishawn]

Vogue (Pedri x Model! Reader)

Warnings: basically you showing off your home to Vogue, a bit of Spanish here and there

Masterlist

You do the simulation of opening the door as if the cameraman has caught you by surprise, ample smile on your face as you greet the future viewers.

"Hello Vogue, I am y/n s/n and today I am giving you all an inside look into my home"

The video starts in the living room, modern furniture, a bit impersonal at first if you will, the true essence lays in the small details.

"So, this might be disappointing for some, to hear out furniture doesn't have a deep meaning behind, but it is the truth. When my boyfriend and I were looking to fill up the house, we honestly just wanted everything to fulfill their duties, a coach to be a coach and a desk to be a desk. The only real thought we put into it were the color coordinations really, but not even that as you will see in some parts"

The camera follows you as you direct yourself to the chimney, watching it with a special glint in your eye "The one thing I really wanted the house to have was this, all my life I have dreamed of the typical scene, you know? The cuddling in front of the fire with your loved one and a good book"

The camera zooms in to the decorations on top of the chimney. Photos of you and Pedri, his family, your own, your friends, the lens of the camera stops in a photo of Pedri and you, waiting for you to explain yourself about it "This was back in Qatar for the World Cup when he had a free day from training and we just went around the city. Unfortunately, this was the only photo decent enough to set up here, but we have probably hundreds of that day" the photo shows the two of you on a date back in the day, bright smiles and the sun setting on the background.

The camera then follows you into the kitchen, much more colorful than the living room and not matching at all. There are plant decorations all over the roof, and cooking robots that not even you are sure what they are for.

"For the kitchen I must confess we did have some help from Pinterest, and by that I mean there is probably another kitchen somewhere in the world that looks exactly like this"

You walk to the counter "Of course we have lots of Canarian bananas, I wonder why, and then, I am more of a sweets as a snack type of girl, I know, not the healthiest but I promise I don't abuse them either" you open one of the closets and show them all your snacks "and here we have every kid's dream, you all better believe that our house is ready for whenever one of our friends needs someone on babysitter duties"

"Now, I must confess neither Pedri or I are the best cooks, we won't burn the kitchen down but someone might get sick after eating. And while Pedri has lunch on the club, I most of the time eat out too because of work. But we are pretty lucky that Fer, Pedri's brother, is quite the culinary and comes lots of times to eat with us and cooks us something too"

"We have heard Pedri's mother is a pretty good chef" the cameraman says and you nod.

"Yes, she totally is, I have asked her to teach me a thing or two, but a few lessons in and I think she has learned that I am a total disaster, but don't worry Rosy, I promise I will get better and won't kill your son with my food"

You leave the kitchen and they follow you through a long hallway decorated with pictures of you in the front pages of the most famous magazines in one side "This decoration was Pedri's idea, I hate it but he doesn't let me take them down" on the other there are photos of Pedri with both the Barça shirt and the National Team's, as well as some shirts of other players -Messi, Mbappe, Agüero... - and his own all signed "And my revenge were this pictures"

You walk them into your office "This is where I lock myself up to work if I ever need it" the room is filled up with books, some photos with friends and fashion magazines "as a model you always have to keep up with fashion trends, or even study to create your own" you point to the projector hanging from the roof and the screen "I also study old catwalks to see what I can improve"

You walk them closer to you bookshelf, and show off your precious collection "As some of you may know, I am a huge bookworm, most of my freetime I am buried into the pages of one"

"Any recommendations?"

You think for a moment "Well, it depends, for younger ages my absolute favorite is the Percy Jackson saga, probably my favourite too as you never grow too old to read them" you point to the books, in the center of them all for everyone to see "Now, for older ages I do like very much Daisy Jones and the Six, The Song of Achilles or maybe The Secret History. They are all typical really, but a good way for new readers to start or if you simply want someone to comment books with, its easy to find people who have read these"

You now direct them to see the photos "Now, this is for sure one of my favorites areas of the house, there are photos with friends..." photos with Gavi, Ansu, Ferran and then also with your own friends "Pedri..." photos of you two kissing, one with his parents and another with his brother "my family..." a big family photo, then single ones with each member "and now onto the big part, celebrities..." photos with Messi, Neymar, Bella Hadid, Ariana Grande, Dua Lipa - anyone you can name, really.

"Which is your favorite one?"

You think for a moment, then answer "I really like this one with Pedri and Messi when Pedri won the Golden Boy, it was a good night, I almost cried when Messi said my name"

You leave your office and next is the gym "Mostly Pedri uses it really, I am more of a run around the city type of girl, but yeah, we have everythung he needs to stay in his top form"

Next are the guest rooms "Mostly Pedri's family uses them really"

"Does your family not come around?"

"Oh they do, just not as much as his. His family adore each other so much, my own knows we better not spend that much time together or we will probably end up killing each other"

You direct them through a door and lead them into your dressing room, the thing is full with yours and Pedri's clothes, mostly yours though.

"My favorite part here is definitely this one" you say and lead them to a zone full of sweatshirts that are definitely not yours "I must confess I am a steal-your-clothes type of girlfriend"

You show them your shoes, pointing to your favorite pair, the same with other types of clothing's before showing off the famous mirror you take selfies in that everyone is in love with and leave the room.

The bathroom comes next, big enough for two people to be inside at the same time "There is a side for Pedri and one for me" you say in front of the two sinks "He says things are not proportionate, though" and it is true, as you open you own closet the thing is full of everything you own, on his there are a couple of things that are his, the basics, and on the lower part he too keeps some of your stuff "I don't see what he says, everything is good in my opinion"

As you leave the bathroom, you hear the door open on the background, and are quick on your feet to greet your boyfriend, the crew almost struggling to keep up with you and film the kiss you two share.

"Perdón, se me olvidaba hoy tenías esto, me puedo ir si quieres" (sorry, I forgot this was today, I can go if you want me to)

You turn to look at the crew, they all sake their heads "Noo, quédate, igual solo me queda por mostrar el patio" (noo, stay, only the backyard is the one thing left)

"¿Mostraste la habitación?" (you showed the bedroom?)

You shake your head "Claro que no, no se van a morir por no ver una cama" (of course not, it's not like they will die if they don't see a bed)

"No lo sé, algunos de tus fans son muy intensos" (I don't know, some of your fans are pretty intense)

"Hablo él que tiene a las niñas de 12 años peleándose por él en tiktok" (says the one who has the twelve-year-olds fighting for him on tiktok)

You are followed by your boyfriend and crew outside to see the big pool, the goal, the basket full of balls, a barbecue and the seats you use to tan.

"I must confess it's Pedri who spends most of the time here, I mostly only come out during the summer to keep myself tan"

"¿Les estás diciendo que no usas nuestra piscina?" (are you telling them how you don't use our pool?)

"Más o menos, ¿por qué no presentas tú nuestro gran jardín?" (more or less, why don't you present our great garden?)

"Seguro lo haré mejor que tú" he clears his throat and puts on the same face he does on Barça videos "Espera, ¿tengo que hacerlo en inglés?" (I most definitely will do it better than you do. Wait, do I have to do it in English?)

The crew shakes his head "We will make sure to translate it later"

"Menos mal. Bueno, acá tenemos una gran piscina que la señorita no usa más que para postureo, se habrá metido cuatro veces contadas" (thanks god. Well, here we have a great pool that the young lady only uses for photos, she will have been in it about four times)

"¡No le digas eso!" (don't tell them that!)

"Silencio, que estoy en mi entrevista con Vogue. Bueno, también tenemos esta portería, así para practicar un poco, aunque la portera s/n no es muy buena que digamos" (silent, I am in my Vogue interview. Well, here we have a goal to practice a bit, even though goalkeeper s/n is not very good)

You roll your eyes and he sticks his tongue out at you.

"Las tumbonas para que la señorita se ponga morena y una barbacoa que ninguno tocamos porque nos la cargamos" (the chairs so the lady can tan and a barbecue that neither of us touch because we would break it)

"Well guys, that is all our house, we hope you liked the video, thanks so much to Vogue for coming all the way to Barcelona. ¿Quieres decir algo?" (you want to say something?)

"Ehhh, give a like? Subscribirse y... ya está, ¿no?" (subscribe and... that's it, right?)

"Yeah, that's it, lots of kisses and I will be seeing you next time"

The camera takes one last shot of you two mustering out your best smiles and the video is over.

[winterwhisperz-blog]

Hey i just read your touchstarved headcanons and I LOVE IT!!!

And Here’s my request is that can you do a scenario of TS boys with MC who can speak different languages??? (like Italian or French)

Don’t worry i am a patient person and I won’t rush you. And i hope you’ll make more scenarios of the TS boys in be future.

YES HI HELLO !! I am, SO SO SORRY for taking two thousand centuries to respond to this—I’ve been pretty stressed over work so I haven’t been able to write headcanons as much— BUT TYSM FOR THE ASK !! IM SO HAPPY YOUVE ENJOYED MY HEADCANONS !

I do want to apologize in advance that these are going to be shorter and less one-shot like, than my others. These will be more like my Kuras Headcanons I made awhile ago—(Life has been kicking my butt lately so my motivation has been LOW)

But I hope you still enjoy them !!

Also huuuuge thanks to @danyvhell-writes

For helping me with these ideas !! You’re a saint 🙏

ALR LES GO

Note: gn reader! Fluff

Warnings: PROBABLY OOC PLS DONT HATE ME

Ais

ALR ALR AHAHAHAHA

So, one of my besties would do this A LOT where she would just switch into Spanish and I’d just be there like ???

So I thought it would be funny if you did that with Ais here

Imagine you’re in some kind of argument, a stupid, light one you know— and to annoy him

YOU JUST SWITCH INTO A WHOLE DIFFERENT LANGUAGE

He’s completely stunned, red eyes wide as you just start rambling, (very passionately) in a language he doesn’t understand

As you go on though, he just becomes utterly impressed, watching your mouth as he studies the words coming out of it (and just because he’s flirty LMAOOOO)

After you’ve had your fun, he comments something like “Impressive, Sparrow.” And then asks you, ofc, if you can teach him what you said

To tease him a bit more, you don’t tell him for a bit until he BRINGS OUT THESE GIANT PUPPY EYES

So you do start teaching him, just long evenings hunched over books or a paper as you teach him different phrases and words, the candle light dancing on his focused gaze.

And one day, out of the blue, he starts calling you Sparrow in the language you were speaking(and you also hear him practice words while talking with Princess—AND ITS SO ADORABLE)

After he’s becoming pretty good at it, you then proceed to tease other people(Leander) by randomly switching mid-conversation into a different language <33

Leander

NOW WITH THIS ONE, it reminded me of this really cool video of a guy switching between loads of languages in one song

IMAGINE showing this off to Leander one rowdy night at the Wet Wick

Maybe it’s even one of his favorite songs ??? And hearing you sing it in so many languages would absolutely knock him off his feet.

Another thing I think he’d go CRAZY FOR

Pet names, in whatever language.

Like ?? You call him something like “Mi amor…” for Spanish, or “Tesoruccio.” For Italian ??

He’s done for. Doomed. Dead. Will beg you to repeat it over and over while he showers your hands or arms with kisses.

He’s also one that would definitely be okay with you calling these pet names in public—he wants to be all smug that HES the one called yours.

He probably also learns whatever language you speak as well, might already know it because bro probably had tutors that taught him so many languages man.

In return for the pet names, he probably calls you something like “λατρεία μου” or “latria mu” (My adored !!! 🥹 in greek)

Kuras

NOW, THIS IS INTERESTING

I’m guessing since Kuras is an Angel, he knows like ??? Every language?

So when he finds out you speak others, he’s instantly curious, impressed, and now it’s quiz time.

You pass by a certain object, plant, anything, and he asks you how to say it in your language(s). Even if he may already know, he likes to hear it coming from you, enjoying the glint in your eyes as you explain things.

Another thing he’ll do, is when you’re having a library date, he’ll hand you a book and request you translate it. Either from your language to—whatever language people speak in Eridia ?? Or from that language to yours.

These will turn into nightly strolls with you translating a poem or book as he strides beside you, golden eyes locked on every word.

In return, he’ll translate whatever text into a language you don’t know. (I wonder if angels have a specific language??)

A name for him, I think it’d be cute if you called him 아름다운 천사 (Beautiful Angel in Korean !!)

Whether this is after or before you know he’s an Angel, he finds it both amusing and endearing. (Or painfully ironic if his life as an Angel is a tough subject)

Mhin

OKAY SOSOSOSOSO !! Mhin evidently thirsts for knowledge, they’re a lil nerd and they’re rlly bad at hiding it (A mood really. one of the reasons I love them <3) and my friend mentioned they’re more of a listener? So like I can see them just—paying very close attention to every word you say

At times they may not seem to be listening to you as you ramble, or catch a few words of slang from your language(s). But they’re actually secretly a sponge and soak up every little detail.

And now this may be just me but Mhin gives off such I must impress you with all my random facts vibes.

They ask questions about the languages you speak, the slang, the meanings, how to pronounce things correctly, everything

And then they do their own research, soaking up all they can before appearing to you one day and just starting the conversation in your language(s)

When you show any sign of being impressed, they will look away blushing and try to act cool but nahhh buddy you aren’t fooling anyone we know you spent forever working on that

Similar to Ais, lots of late night lessons where you get to teach Mhin about your language(s)! Just you two looming over an open book, Mhin scribbling down notes, looking so concentrated and you even spot a smile starting to form as they start getting better and better. (I love themmmmm 😭)

Mhin asks you to quiz them a lot, and looks so !! !! Just proud of themself when they pass. (Before realizing it and their self loathing kicks in and they revert back to >:( ) You want to tell them that they don’t need to be quizzed but look at their face !! Let them impress you okay !! They’re top 1 student !!

If you want you can joke about them having to call you Professor(Mc) or something but ur just gonna get a deep frown and glare like 😒 nuh uh AHAHSHS

Vere

Ohhh vere my nemesis. (He’s the toughest for me to write i have to like mentally and physically ambush him in a fast food parking lot before I can get anything outta him)

(I love him so much though so here we go !! Thanks to my friend for giving me a lot of help in this one because otherwise I’d be a doomed woman)

My friend brought up since he’s a fox, he’s very sensitive to sound !! So when you’re speaking in your mother language, he notices how your tone might change, watches as your tongue moves against your teeth or the top of your mouth, idk but he makes it a sensual thing somehow 😭

Definitely flirts with you in your language(s), says the most outrageous thing and watches as you get stunned or flustered by it, absolutely delighted that no one but you (or anyone who’s unfortunately being nosy and can understand) knows what he’s saying.

Okay this may be dumb but it’s so funny to me imagine Vere like putting on his most smooth, seductive tone, convincing the people around that he’s gonna say like the most erotic thing but he ends up just saying something like 💀 “Avocados” in your language(s) or like “Leander looks like a chicken breast” he does it to see you laugh but also because Leander overhears and could tell his name was said and thinks Vere is like— finally coming around but only you two rlly know Vere is just sexily roasting him.

Due to recent lore being dropped, and in his lil character sheet, it says Vere has a huge love for the arts. I think it’d be really neat if you introduced him to things specifically written in your language(s) !! Like books that originated from your country, plays that are only acted in that language(s), just a tour of the language! And if he doesn’t know your languages(s) then teaching him is gonna be like 💀 somehow so flirty

Will definitely call you Professor(Mc) but he makes it sound absolutely horrendous and cringey and you will regret it you probably should turn back

Jokingly will ask if you’ll give him a golden sticker if he behaves—do it, just to humble him.

OKAY WE’VE REACHED THE END WOOOT WOOT !!!! I DIDNT THINK I’D MAKE IT !!! Been stuck in this endless void for ages !!

Hem hem, thanks so much for the ask !!! I’m so so sorry it took forever 😭 writer’s block nearly had my head this time uh oh

Thank you again to my bestie for helping me out !!

Now I hope you see the most beautiful sunset, eat your favorite dessert, learn something new, and have a happy spring !! 🫶🩷✨

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for talking about fnaf to my little cousin?

so fnaf is one of my (im 21) special interests for a while. my little cousin (age 7) has been mentioning it lately, because he heard about it from kids at school. Because of this i've ended up telling him about a lot of the lore and stuff, and trying to explain things to him. Additionally, he asks me questions about fnaf, and I do my best to explain it to him. I also sometimes watch fnaf videos with him.

My mom says i shouldn't do this because he gets scared easily by stuff, and his mom doesn't really like him to see scary stuff. My mom says I shouldnt tell him about fnaf or show him stuff from fnaf.

Both my mom and his mom will go out of their way to hide scary things from him like halloween monster pictures. Part of this is because he got kind of scared of opening doors due to the Doors game on roblox. He is too scared to sleep in his room alone and always sleeps in his mom's bed because he is scared of the dark and has nightmares sometimes. And he wasn't allowed to watch any youtube on halloween because of possibly seeing scary stuff. They think that the scary stuff is what made him scared of the dark and have nightmares, and not be able to sleep in his room alone.

In my opinion, I don't *think* im doing anything wrong, because when I was a kid, fnaf came out, and plenty of kids were into it, and have been ever since. And ever since fnaf, theres been many things inspired by it that kids like. Like poppy playtime and Rainbow Friends and all that. I also loved horror and creepy stuff as a kid. I liked creepypasta, but I can relate to being scared by some of that stuff. As a kid I was really really terrified by the rake creepypasta.

Also in my opinion I think he knows and understands his own limits, because one time we were watching a fnaf video, and he seemed to think the video was too scary and wanted to stop watching it. So we stopped watching it and did something else. And he seemed fine after we stopped didnt seem scared or upset after that. I also feel like in my opinion, explaining the lore to him makes it *less* scary, because he's understanding the "how and why". however because the fnaf lore does involve child death i see how it could be bad for him to learn about it.

He seems to enjoy it though, I'm not forcing it on him and he loves to ask me questions about it, and is excited whenever he comes over to talk about it. Also we've played things together before that are "scary" like baldis basics, and then also a minecraft backrooms game which actually ended up scaring me more than him!

Basically though Am i the asshole for basically going against what my mom and his mom think he should be doing? I can see how his mom especially might think i could be crossing a line because of what she wants for her child. Obviously his mom might know him better because he is her child after all. And because of my autism I don't really understand childcare and childraising. And it is hard for me to understand their perspective. I am still very childlike and dependent on my parents so I don't have a fully formed adult perspective yet I dont think.

But at the same time I almost feel that she is being sheltering, because I've noticed its common for kids to like this sort of thing, and its not always necessarily a bad thing. Because also theres scary movies like coraline but are geared for kids. (My little cousin didnt like coraline, thought it was scary, but thats just an example.)

I feel like also they should trust him more. He seems to know what is too much. Because he is vocal to say what is too scary for him. He seems to be able to set boundaries about it, because he will say that he doesnt want to play a minecraft game that is too scary, or watch a video that is too scary. I'm also rarely the one to pick the games or videos we play, it's his own interest.

Fnaf has been something we both really enjoy, and to me that is special when we get to enjoy something together. I of course still often play with him when its something only he is interested in, but not always. The times I don't play with him are when I'm doing something relating to one of my other special interests and I can't handle being interrupted. Which makes him sad that I can't play but he does understand that because of my autism that it would be difficult on me to stop my activity. I really like that he is into fnaf now because that means its something that I can enjoy for special interest reasons and he gets to hang out and play with me.

But AITA because this is against his mom's wishes?

What are these acronyms?

[isleofair]

Thank you so much for the tag, @applescabs!!! 🥰💚

Are you named after anyone? After, of all things, a 15th century noblewoman (whom I always thought was a saint, but actually wasn't, I just found out!) My mom saw an amazing statue of her on a trip and loved it, and her name, so much that she named me after her.

When was the last time you cried? I teared up a little yesterday when I got my friend's wedding invitation in the mail. The last time I properly cried was... huh. I think a couple of weeks ago, watching TV. That's a fair amount of time for me to go without crying, so go me!

Do you have kids? No, and I don't want any.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? A bit less than I used to, and not a lot in general. Only when I think it will be funny, or when I need to make an underhanded comment about something that ticked me off but I can't do much about.

What sports do you play? None. I am a very inactive person, sadly. I hope I can at least start going on more walks as the season keeps warming up.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? If they seem friendly or not.

What’s your eye colour? A very, very dark brown.

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings all the way. I can't handle scary stuff very well at all. 🫣

Any special talents? I'm fairly good at languages (I learned them easily in school and I usually have a decent shot at figuring out what a word might mean if it's in a language that has at least some relation to the ones I know/have studied). Sadly, the only one I'm still fluent in (besides Italian, of course) is English, because it's the only one I use regularly.

Where were you born? Italy, smack dab in the middle of the top part of the boot, lol

What are your hobbies? Writing fic, reading fic, scrolling Tumblr, playing video games (mostly just Pokémon), playing D&D, and very occasionally drawing or weaving bracelets or assembling jigsaw puzzles.

Do you have any pets? My two cats, Sasha and Misha 🥹🥹 They're tabby-and-white twins, they're almost 5 years old, and they're the ones I come home to. 💚💚

How tall are you? 164cm, although sometimes when I'm in a hurry I just say 1.65m 😅

Favourite subject in school? All the sciences and Math, though I also liked English when I started having it as a subject.

Dream job? Writing a single novel, or a trilogy or something like that, that becomes inexplicably popular, gets a movie deal, and gives me enough residuals to potentially live comfortably while bumming around on my couch writing fanfic for the rest of my life.

I am tagging (but only if they want to answer, zero pressure, as usual!) @nicoroni, @imaginatorofthings, @zimithrus1, @thekuraning, @saltedpin, @horikoshi-secret-ao3-account, @damedanedameyodamenanoyo, and anyone else who sees this and wants to play! 💖💖💖

[zombie-bait]

Omg i just realized I have something tiny to add to the whole James Somerton debacle. I'm currently watching the hbombguy vid (as you do when procrastinating assignments) and I remembered something that stood out to me in James' old videos.

So I used to be a fan of his stuff. I am also a fan of Hannibal and IWTV. He made a video covering both so naturally I was very hyped. It was called 'The Gay Appeal of Toxic Love.' The vid itself was fine (I don't remember having any super strong opinions of it besides being excited to hear ppl mention Interview cuz I had recently become obsessed) but one thing did stand out to me. In the IWTV section he mentions Nicki and, naturally, his death:

"After becoming a vampire, Nicky becomes nearly catatonic, and eventually slips away from Lestat entirely. And after centuries of dealing with depression and severe mental illness, Nicky kills himself."

(sourced from this transcript: https://github.com/TerraJRiley/James_Somerton_Transcripts/blob/main/Transcripts/The%20Gay%20Appeal%20of%20Toxic%20Love.txt)

To anyone who's read TVL, I don't think I need to explain that Nicki had not, in fact, been around for centuries. "Nicki had lived to be 30" has been rattling around in my head since I first read it.

And like, obviously I don't expect every youtube essayist to read several long-ish novels to have a full grasp of the series' deep lore, especially when the focus was largely on IWTV and Loustat rather than the entire Vampire Chronicles. Still, it makes you wonder a bit about the quality of the research being done here. You can find the proper info in like, 5 seconds by just going on the fan wiki so I'm not sure what his sources were. And that's the issue at hand, isn't it?

At the time I felt a tiny bit smug recognizing the error but in light of everything that's been revealed, it's kind of telling. I'm not saying this part was plagiarized (I haven't found anything but others on reddit have found issues with different sections of the same video) but rereading the transcript it comes off as someone who clearly doesn't know much about Interview.... It feels like he's reading through a loose summary of plot points rather than analyzing a piece of media that actually means anything to him. It's very much Interview for people who don't know Interview which, one could argue is fair. Especially beyond book one, VC is a niche series and a lot of elements that are important to certain characters or plot lines cannot be summarized quickly for an audience unfamiliar with it. A good writer, who's done a lot of research about the specific topic they have chosen to make a video on, would be able to balance this. There is a LOT to analyze about queerness in VC and its a shame to see one of the more popular queer media channels half-assing it just to churn out videos heavily made up of other people's work. In retrospect he had several videos like that, where he would discuss things like manga/manhua communities while clearly having little knowledge on the nuance of those subjects. He was an outsider who presented himself with a strange amount of authority.

This was content created with the sole intention of propping up queer stories and history, yet it's built off stolen work from queer authors and doesn't actually care that much about exploring the communities it features. Vids like the IWTV one weren't really fact checked because it's only people like me who would might give a shit or even notice anything is off in the first place. There's a bit of a similar vibe in some of his other vids where he undermines the experiences of queer women because he clearly has not taken the time to learn about the nuances of representing queer women in media. These are things that irritated me when I first started to notice them but I put those concerns in the back of my mind because I cared about the topics he was covering and was excited to see these discussions becoming more mainstream.

The revelations of this evening have been disappointing to say the least.

(also for the record I know he made other more recent vids about IWTV but I haven't seen those and even if his account was still up I don't think I would lol

BUT

I did look at the transcript for his 'Vampires and the Gays Who Love Them' video (found from the same link I included above) and this quote about the IWTV AMC show is sending me: "Daniel has never grappled with the complexities of being gay"

Shoutout to straight, uncomplicated icon Daniel Molloy. Devil's Minion was a mass hallucination, spread the word)

[emotionallyattachednerd]

Sweet Honey | G1 Bumblebee x f!robot reader | NSFW 18+

Word count: 1700+

Warnings: Smut ( spike in valve and first time ) and two inexperienced bugs. NSFW 18+.

Notes: Don't have enough G1 stories written, but slowly will build up over time I hope. Thanks anon for sending through this was rather cute and sweet to write. Enjoy. 🥰

☕ Coffee

Being the two youngest among the autobots it's no surprise from anyone that you both ended up together. You two were like teenage lovebirds, sweet to one another and always expressing your love. There is one thing though that hasn't quite happened yet, and that's interfacing.

There's no skill from either of you when it comes to interfacing, both completely new to it, virgins, and it's something you've both held out on for a long time, seeing no right moment for it to happen just yet. You did wonder why you haven't felt the need to do it with Bumblebee yet, though when you both talk to Ratchet about it he says it's normal to feel not ready, and that everyone feels different when it comes to something so intimate. He expressed that rushing or forcing it to happen won't help, and might cause either of you to express distress or regret.

So, you wait, and wait, until the moment happens.

On earth it's the new year, an event humans celebrated before the start of a new year. You and Bumblebee sat on top of the ark having the perfect view of where the fireworks were going to be set off. Everyone else was doing their own thing, even taking part of the celebration with Sparkplug, Spike and Carly among the other humans.

Bumblebee and you decided to have your time together, to spend time and share your love in your own privacy. Resting yourself against his chassis you gently trace your digit against his arm plating, optics looking over the spectacular view you both have, knowing you have the best seats in the house for the fireworks, which were to be set off within the next hour.

"Earth sure has its own beauty." You hear yourself whisper calmly.

"That it does, wish everyone sees it like we do." Bumblebee agrees through a tender hum. "Guess that's what makes us good together."

"Aye, very true." You snuggle into his side, nuzzling your face gently into the crook of his neck and let out a low purr. For a moment you continue to do this, before you feel his frame twitch slightly and hear his venting hitch. "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing..."

"You're a terrible liar." You can't help but smirk faintly before lifting yourself to look at him better. "Bee, what's got you tense?" You then feel his frame more, noticing his heat increasing. "You're heating up..."

"Yeah, I know." He sounds nervous, unsure even. "I...it's fine, I'll be fine."

"Don't keep secrets from me. You never have before, don't start now." You touch his face plating, caressing the area and getting him to look at you. "You can tell me anything, always."

For a moment he's quiet, before finally confessing. "Remember what Ratchet said? The moment will happen when it happens..."

"Yeah?" Confused, you stare at him, than you slowly figure out what's wrong with him. "Bee, are you aroused?"

"I think so?"

"Oh..."

He's indeed warming up more as you continue to caress his cheek plating without even realising it, and by the time you do, his plating is so warm, pinkish hue appearing in his face as you feel yourself growing oddly warm too. The sight of him like this, it sends a strange warm buzz through you, and now it's your turn to crumble in nerves.

"I think I am too." You barely manage to say while fiddling with your servos.

"Alright. So...what now?" Bumblebee sounds embarrassed, but you feel it too. Neither of you had any experience, and you already guessed that when it did happen it was going to be a learning experience, it just so happened suddenly without warning.

"Maybe we could touch one another?" You've seen videos, you both have of course, so you still had an idea where to begin.

Bumblebee nods, going along with it, and you lay back down before shyly moving your servo between his thighs and across his heated panel. You hear him let out a hitched exhale at contact, the heat continues to boil, before his panel retreats and and you watch as his spike emerges out of its housing.

Your digits lightly ghost across the twitching length, before gently wrapping your servo around the base and giving him a slow pump, feeling some of the soft bumpy ridges as his spike throbs eagerly under your touch. This feels good, and you're making him feel good.

Bumblebee is unable to suppress his sounds as he feels himself heat up even more throughout his entire frame, his waist bucking slightly under your touches before realising he should be touching you.

Shifting closer, you shyly retract your panel and your untouched valve is exposed for him to explore. Moving his own servo between your legs, your optics flutter as you feel his digit skip against your valve, feeling the odd bundle of nerves and warmth settling within you and growing more velvet-like, smooth and tender.

Moving your legs more apart you give him better access, keeping your servo wrapped around his pulsing spike while still gentilly pumping him, letting out soft vents as you feel his digits play between your valve lips. It's all an exploring adventure between you two, and you still have time before the fireworks and new year start.

Bumblebee skips a digit across your node that causes your body to jolt from the contact, followed by a whimpered mewl, and this makes him stop.

"Did I hurt you?" He's worried he's done something wrong.

"N-no, no, you didn't. Just felt...surprised, but in a good way." That's the best way you can answer it. "How about me? Is this alright?"

"Yeah, I like it." He says through an aroused gentle smile. "I'll keep going?"

Nodding is your answer and he resumes his actions. The two of you touch one another, bringing your arousal levels up quickly much to your surprise, covering your mouth a little to muffle your increasingly desired whimpers as your optics flutter close due to the boiling heat rushing through you.

At some point, and somehow, you end up straddling his lap, sharing a heated kiss with him as you grind yourself along his length, you're soaking valve lubricating his spike like overcharged beasts craving a good rutt. But this isn't that, this is your first time, and you're both ready. The ridges stimulate against your node, adding to the growing arousal and building more fluids through your channel.

Your growing moans are faint against his inner neck, glossa darting out to lick along his neck cables, causing his frame to quiver along with his own increasing moans, his spike begging to be buried in your valve. Meeting his baby blue optics, you caress his warm cheek, as he does the same to you, sharing dainty smiles, young love blooming even more, before you grab hold of him and position yourself against his leaking tip, slowly sinking as you let out a shaky exhale.

Grabbing hold onto his shoulders you control yourself as his spike stretches your channel, letting out a soft hiss feeling the burning sensation snap through your valve, tearing your seal and your lover claiming your innocence. The pain does linger, but not for too long, and it's not long before you're fully seated in his lap with his pulsing spike stretching through you.

Bumblebee lets out a stuttered hiss between clenched dentas with his servos gripping at your waist, holding you still while his face tightens as if he was both in pain and feeling overpowering pleasure. Only a few drops of tears stream down your cheek plating, and than they cease. It's not until you move slightly that Bumblebee jolts and lets out a startled groan before there's another warmth filling you.

"W-what was that?" You can't help but ask, the small burning pain still surrounding your valve, his spike twitching along with the warm fluids that suddenly soaks your inner channel.

"I...I think I overloaded?" Bumblebee doesn't even sound sure. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen so fast, it just caught me off guard, and feels so good."

"Its alright. I mean, I'm more lubricated now, right? Can I move a little?" He nods and you slowly rock your hips. You're still unsure how to move, just that you try to stimulate yourself on him.

Even though he's already overloaded he feels the pleasure still against your rocking hips, moaning into your neck as he rests his servos against your hips, gently holding you against him while you slowly roll into his lap. The burning sensation slowly vanishes and the pleasure soon grows more fierce within you, grinding your node between your bodies in perfect sync as you keep his spike buried in your valve. It's all happening, and you want to finish it perfectly.

Your thoughts grow foggy as you continue to ride him while he bucks up slightly against your movements his spike twitching wilding even more much to your surprise, and hearing his startled venting hitching, you can only guess he's surprised himself that he's growing hard again, a second overload slowly building in him than.

No words are needed between you two and let the moment happen. His servos roam across your hips and waist, holding you close still as you start to bounce on his spike more, letting out moans and hitched vents while he thrusts up into your lightly, sounds increasing more vibrant from you, loving every second of it, silently questioning yourself why you never did this sooner.

"Bee, Bee..." His name moans from your lips, licking them eagerly as you feel yourself grow more hot and your thighs start shaking, servos resting closely against the back of his neck.

"Primus...oh Primus!" He stuttered loudly, arms clinging onto your quivering frame and jerks again deep in you.

In the exact moment, right at midnight, your overload erupts through your systems, your fluids flooding through, as you let out a high pitched moan mixing in with the fireworks setting off in the distance. You hold yourself against his chassis and nuzzle into his inner neck, purring gently between vented breaths, savouring the warm buzz still swimming.

"Oh Bee, that was wonderful." You say to him fondly. "Twice?"

"Yeah, twice." He chuckles lightly, sounding not fully convinced he was able to overload twice so fast. "Didn't think that was possible, yet it happened. Primus, I'll love you forever."

"As I will too." You share a tender kiss with him, caressing his warm cheek platings under your servos. "Happy new year, Bee."

"Happy new year, my love."

[goodluckclove]

I'm having a lot of fun talking with people about why they struggle in their writing, and I figure I'd share a little bit about what would keep me from writing. It's especially relevant given how soon Blind Trust is coming out - and, like I said, if you're willing to be real to me I'll be real right back.

I'll put it under a read more, as I've had the amount of alcohol that it takes me to be extra loose - meaning half of one canned cocktail. And I don't want to freak anyone out who doesn't want to see me feel a little more angsty than I tend to be online. But as I said before, I want to be honest about the craft as much as I urge others to be.

Here we goooo. Say goodbye to proper capitalization babies, Dad's getting funky.

so i started writing when i was twelve years old. i wrote carnation, a 10k word zombie novella about thinly-veiled representations of me and my two best friends at the time fighting zombies. it wasn't very good. i never wrote anything before. i enjoyed it though, so i proceeded to keep writing, near-constantly for the next fifteen years.

here's the thing, though, and it's something i don't see a lot of elder writers talk about. probably because it's not a super pleasant thing to hear, but i'm pretty sure i could pull it off.

uh, my name is clove gardener. i'm twenty-seven years old now. and i do not think i'm that good of a writer.

i don't think i'm bad. i mean, i've been published. i've worked as a copywriter and a ghostwriter. i've written for work for a few years now, so - like - objectively it must be passable. i don't hate my writing. i think it's accessible, which is cool. but if you were to ask me hey do you think you're a good writer? i would skirt around the question without answering directly until i could figure out a way to change the subject.

at this point i don't think that's going to go away. the improvement, though, has been that i barely think about that anymore. it's like there's a little dipshit in the back of my head, and occasionally he will hiss-whisper this is shit what are you doing until I find a way to shut him up.

i kind of feel like that's just the thing that happens when you're a writer. it's the camp i'd rather be in, at least. because the alternative is that i'm a really good writer who might consider themselves capable to claim authority and tell you how to do things i actually know nothing about. i'd rather have doubt. maybe less than what i have now, but still.

writers, i think, overlap with theater kids in the sense of being dramatic little piss babies. i am proud to say that i am significantly less of a piss baby than i potentially could be, especially considering that i'm in writing and theater. but you're bound to be a little dramatic at some point.

i think in the six-ish months since i've started blind trust, i've had maybe two creative existential crises. that's pretty good. that's reasonable. and they were not too unproductive either. i've learned that you can feel whiny and pitying and scared and self-loathing, and still do the thing.

i don't think you should publish your book. cool, ryan (i named my inner dipshit ryan). i'm doing it anyway.

nobody actually wants to pay money for it. yeah, ryan. maybe.

you're a terrible writer. i like it, though. i want to see how it ends. so let's keep going.

if you're wanting to publish/self-publish, and you think you don't have a chance because you aren't a beacon of self-assurance and confidence - guess what, buddy, i don't think many of the greats were. it's almost a stereotype i've seen of famous writers also being angsty weirdos who crumble into despair because the apple they ate was slightly too mealy (this is based on nothing but i can see it happening to kafka). if you think you can't be a writer because you aren't like me - friend, colleague, son, daughter, child, we are both angsty weirdos and that's okay.

last week i sobbed because riley showed me a video where a kiwi bird was sad and we had to spend the rest of the night watching videos of kiwi birds before donating to a kiwi bird charity. i make one phone call to the doctor and i have to lie down for the rest of the day. i am kind, i am fun, i am funny, and i am also like three bad dice rolls away from a breakdown. you can be both of those things. i have nuance.

i'm fine, by the way. it's been a good day. i'm just stressed about publishing because the thought of asking people to pay Human Currency for my work makes me deeply uncomfortable. but we're going to fucking deal with that, aren't we, ryan?

i don't know if this is unprofessional to reveal, but if it convinces one person to pursue a life in writing even though they sometimes take a trip to the Panic Zone, fuck it. i'm fine, you're fine, we're all going to be fine.

we should name our inner dipshits. drop your dipshit names below. ryan is your classic little goblin, but he's dressed like an e-boy. i think he vapes. i hate him.

[vampitz]

why i headcanon/see shidou kirisaki as autistic!!!

(note: i am not a medical professional, just an autistic person on the internet. all of my interpretations of his autism come from the lens of being autistic. you might see him completely differently and thats ok!)

autistic! shidou is a headcanon i hold very near and dear to me and talk about it. a lot. as such, i thought id compile some actual reasonings as to why i view him as autistic.

ill be using snippets from the dsm-5 in this post. i will be mainly using portal conversations as proof, because i feel like they are the most "casual" we can get the characters to be.

A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts

shidou has a very straightforward way of speaking and seems to ignore social rules of "politeness" a lot of the time, while still remaining pretty calm.

shidou also seems to have some sort of difficulty wording himself, and in almost every single portal conversation he trails in and out of sentences. the only characters who do this more than him are haruka and muu.

Shidou: That’s good…… You were crying so much, so I was concerned for you. ……yeah, I’m sure. Your family will definitely be worrying about you. I…… hope you can go back soon.

little snippet of what i mean, this amount of trailing off happens in pretty much every shidou portal conversation

shidou also is constantly misinterpreted by his facial language and his tone. on multiple occasions he is referred to as hard to approach, and so calm its "suspicious". characters are surprised when he smiles or is actually a nice person.

"Mu: Shidou-san…… did you come here to comfort me……? I’m sorry, I’d thought you were…… a scary person…… fufu."

Kotoko: …… Shidou, right? I’ve been watching your actions for a while, and I’m curious. You’re always extremely calm, and your expression never changes. Do you know something about this place? Shidou: No, I know nothing. ……I’ve never really had an expressive face. Despite appearances, I am quite shaken by this.

Mikoto: Also, I don’t give nicknames to [ ] the hard-to-approach types like Shidou-san.

he also seems to have difficulty holding conversations, as most portal conversations with him involve him trailing off, talking to himself (ex. with amane) or just like, not elaborating on what hes saying.

B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities

the repetitive patterns/behaviors is a little bit hard to determine, since they are in prison and not really acting like their "real selves" in terms of behavior. also, since milgram is a series mainly in voice dramas and music videos its kind of difficult to pinpoint any physical repeated behaviors.

when it comes to heavily focused interests, though, shidou seems to be completely obsessed with his work. although this could just be him being a workaholic, the amount of passion he had in it before milgram really reminds me of a special interest that has been pursued as a career.

he also seems very knowledgeable in other topics, such as being able to recite japanese criminal law from the top of his head. again, this could easily be interpreted as him just trying to learn the best way to argue for a death penalty but i dont really care this is my headcanon sooo.

in terms of sensory issues, shidou's issues with his hands could totally play into those. what is specifically wrong with his hands has never been stated: it could be nerve damage, sensory issues, or something else. i see it as a mix of sensory issues and some other underlying conditions.

Mikoto: By the way, I’ve been wondering for a while, but do you always wear those gloves? Shidou: I don’t…… How to put it…… I suppose…… since I have my hands covered all the time, then when I take them off, it feels as though the feeling in my fingertips is even greater…… I know it’s probably all in my head…… but that’s how it feels.

in his trial 2 interrogation, he says he cant wear rings because they lessen the feeling in his fingertips. this could easily be sensory issues in his hands.

thats pretty much all i have to say regarding this!!! if it wasnt obvious this is just a silly headcanon thats mainly me projecting, but it does have basis in canon to a degree. shidou, with his easily misinterpreted tone and facial expressions and deep love for his interests just reminds me a lot of myself.

(btw if you like this headcanon i did write a fic of shidou getting diagnosed with autism if you wanna read it haha... shameless self promo)

[nephriteknight]

Thoughts on Daggerheart!!

I'll admit I haven't really been following it until today, but after watching the videos released today I got very excited and ended up building a character and reading a lot of the book, as I am wont to do (might post about them later lol).

Now, full disclosure, I wouldn't say I'm all that familiar with the TTRPG space outside of D&D, so take my opinions with a grain of salt. That said, I've played D&D, Wanderhome, Alice is Missing, and the fan-made Hollow Knight TTRPG, and I've watched some AP of Kids on Bikes, Call of Cthulhu, Monsterhearts, and Candela Obscura, which is a longer list than I was expecting. Huh. Anyways, my thoughts!

I really like the duality dice! It's such an interesting way to do mixed success that incorporates story/character into mechanics, which is great.

Related to that, I also like Hope as a fluid resource, and I think that Fear is a nice way to both prompt GM action and to just create a fun sense of dread as the GM takes more tokens

The lack of turn order/action economy is... cool, and a really interesting idea, but my thoughts on this are complicated. As we're seeing in the oneshot right now, it really helps to keep combat as part of the story and give the players and GM room for creativity. (For example, Bunnie describing a counterstrike as part of her dodge, and being able to take it as soon as the GM's turn is over, as well as the tag team feature, which is very cool.) That said, I think this mechanic might not work so well with less experienced or less confident players, who might have trouble taking the initiative (heh) to act in combat (I know I certainly would if I wasn't playing with close friends). That's not really a criticism though -- this is a collaborative storytelling game, and part of playing it is making big moves and taking turns guiding the story. If that's not for you, then you might prefer a different system, which is fine! I think this mechanic has the potential to be really, really dope, but I also think it's the bit that has the most potential to go poorly in my eyes.

The art, design, and general aesthetic feel of this game are so unbelievably up my alley. I love it. That's all.

I'm excited to see that they're working on mechanics for playing disabled characters, but since they aren't out yet I can't really comment. (I did notice that the character in the bard art is in a wheelchair, which is dope.) Also, as others have noted, Daggerheart uses "heritage" and "ancestry" rather than "race", which is a small but good choice.

Personally, I also really like the choice to move away from precise measurements of distance and gold. This one is very much a personal preference, and I know some people will rightfully disagree, but I like it! As a DM, trying to determine the appropriate costs and rewards for things has always been a headache, and this seems much easier to manage; measuring distances with convenient and tangible measurements like the short side of a playing card or the length of a piece of paper also feels much easier to use.

The downtime mechanics are great! Each of the activities you can take prompts you to describe how you heal yourself or another, destress, repair armor, or prepare yourself for what's ahead, which really encourages quieter character moments both introspectively and with others. I'm a big fan of this. This combining of role play and mechanics is also present in other features, such as one of the major level 1 healing abilities, which is more effective if you spend the time it takes to cast learning something new about the person you're healing or sharing something about yourself.

I didn't look at this too closely because I was just making a character for fun and don't have a party to play with, but as part of character creation you're given questions about your relationships to your party members to answer. Wanderhome also has these, and they were MASSIVELY successful in creating depth and meaningful connections between players -- after our table's session zero I was already so invested in all our characters, and when we actually played them they really came to life. I haven't looked to closely at Daggerhearts version of this, but I'm very excited to see them.

The experience mechanic seems really fun and creative, and I especially like the idea of using a phrase rather than something specific. That said, when I played the Hollow Knight TTRPG, which also lets players create their own skills, the open endedness of it was more confusing than inspiring, and there was a lot of potential for a usefulness disparity between players. I do think Daggerheart explains it better, though, and limiting the use of experience with a Hope cost helps to counteract any choices that might be too broad, so hopefully it will work better

I probably have more thoughts, but it getting late and I have a headache, so that's all I'm saying for now :D

Overall, Daggerheart has combined a lot of things I've liked in other games with promising mechanics I haven't seen before, and I'm very excited to try it out. I'm now realizing that I just made a list of things I like without any negative feedback, which isn't what I wanted to do, but I'm not really sure what to criticize without having played it myself.

I'm most curious to see how the non-initiative mechanic works; it has the potential to be a really excellent solve for a major problem in D&D (plenty of people have talked about how initiative limits teamwork, can be boring when its not your turn, etc, so I won't get into it here), but I don't think it's a solution that will work for everyone. Of course, games can't work for everyone, and shouldn't try to. It's working really well on CR's oneshot as I write this, but making choices and sharing spotlight in TTRPGs is literally their job, so I'm not surprised this works for them. I could see this going really well with some tables I've played with, and really poorly with others. I'm still really optimistic, though; it seems like the kind of thing that with the right table could be really excellent.

[katyspersonal]

Were Marika and Radagon always the same being from the beginning or they were separate people who got fused later on?

Oh boy, I've almost missed this ask in the tidal wave of Sephi spam from THOSE TWO LITTLE PRICKS!!!!!!, but yes thank you for the question! My theory on the matter is:

This for me ties into a couple of things: 1) the idea that when something bad happens with a (demi)god, they are likely to develop an alter as defence mechanism that I mostly base on the theory that Trina and their purple 'sleep' flame happened as response to Miquella being scorched by Frenzy (more here: ( x )) and 2) theme of 'astral projections' that have transcendental knowledge compared with the 'rest of the person' which is more plain!

Recently I've also discussed theme of "if you want to defeat the thing, become the thing" like with dragons, but I decided to discard the idea that Marika willingly inflicted curse of the giants onto herself! But existence of Radagon is exactly what I think happened with Marika - a curse of the giants!

I think that "they say Marika has slain the Fell God" is taken at face value here, they 'say' it because it happened very long time ago and there are almost no witnesses left rather than a rumour! Sure, I still "await for the return of my Lord" (for the one who will precisely re-translate Japanese script), but I am happy with this for now! Yet, 'their flames will never die' refers to Marika having taken up that curse in the moment she killed the Fell God! This is why she was able to pass the curse mark onto the last Fire Giant that survived: because now the curse was her, taken from the Fell God by slaying him.

But, although she was able to get rid of the flame by giving it to the Fire Giant, the impact already left its side-effect on her very being! I still need DLC to confirm or deny whether Trina exists for 'unhappy reason' as I can't tell whether more info on them was cut due to time limitations or rewriting, I am just using it as an extra backup for now! Regardless, it is safe to say that since Fire Giants are all male and Marika was a female, it caused the conflict and so Radagon turned in to exist as male. So yeah kill gods carefully of you'll get cursed with dysphoria idk I am bad at philosophical conclusions

^ I also think that the curse left its mark on Marika genetically, and her children would show traces of it from time to time! Radahn is the biggest evidence of it in my eyes! He started to learn gravitational magic so he could still ride Leonard, which means that he was growing massive even before learning it! Other demigods have no problem staying very human-sized so I think his massive size is not an effect of his massive power, but traces of Giants' 'genes' showing!

I am also considering the ideas that 1) Morgott might have had a fire of his own as result of it, that he sealed into blade, since unlike with Mohg his fire doesn't link to interacting with Formless Mother 2) Rykard might have had natural affinity towards fires as side-effect of such 'genes', that only made his research of fire sorcery easier, and it simply was coincidental that fire reflects heresy

3) Maybe the third eye imagery that is only so far seen in Godwyn's Prince of Death form and Trina's side of Miquella is the secret less obvious effect, that only manifests after something bad happens to them? Since the cyclopic eye is the mark of the Fell God! Again, I need information on Trina first, but so far this works! So yeah. 'Evil eye'.

(Screenshot of Godwyn's model from Zullie's video: ( x ))

I also take the script occasionally from this ( x ) document, but yeah. In Japanese, it is a bit more blatant that he is her other self literally, not metaphorically! She also uses 'omae', a pretty derogatory way to refer to someone. She looks down on this side of herself, which is interesting, but also why? And why Radagon disagreed with her idea to scatter the Elden Ring and let the history sort itself?

This is what made me think of how the separation aspect of them played out! I believe that they are able to exist within the same body, as we can clearly see through the cutscene, but also to split. The thing is? There are precedents of it in the game as well! Sellen and Dung Eater both are under the situation where their real bodies, and real selves are in imprisonment and are suffering without being aware of their astral projections. Their astral projections, however? They are quite aware of where their bodies are and what is going on, but can think independently. The 'body' and the 'mind' are able to exist in separation in The Lands Between. Let's also not forget the case of powerful illusions like the ones of Rennala and Mohg, who are basically the auto-receivers that were set to kick your ass lol x) It is also my idea on why it is named The Lands Between to begin with: because this is where physical and mental blend together, to the point both are equally tangible and perceivable!

Basically? When Marika and Radagon are split, it is very much like this. He would be her 'physical body', living and thinking on his own, not aware of Marika's opinions and plans, whereas Marika would be same as those astral projections that told Tarnished 'oh by the way my actual body is imprisoned in this or that location'. Knowing more and planning more, being aware of what the 'body' thinks and experiences without the reverse being true, however, being limited until the 'body' is returned to the owner. So that's why Radagon would not think and feel exactly the same as Marika: not only he was able to live his own life, but also he understands less than the "transcendental" part which makes astral projections. Marika maybe had the plan to scatter the Ring and let it all sort itself out, so the conflict would let only someone capable of levelling with her lost Godwyn to raise at the top and come and replace her. She generally thinks very far ahead, as the 'higher self' that she is, which Radagon can't do and he just studies and understands the things as they are.

So yeah.. In the conclusion, I think it was the curse of the Giants but specifically the side-effect of slaying the Fell God, yet she sealed the curse she inherited from the act in the last survivor too late and her 'genes' already got traces of it! Radagon is valid but by all laws that strangely split people in the Lands Between he is her "lesser" half that thinks on more grounded plane. We could, again, see from Sellen and Dung Eater that 'body' and 'astral projection' are able to fuse back into one entity, yet Radagon and Marika are still in the conflict?

I like to think it came from Marika herself despising this more "human" side of herself.. Sure, she is not alien to human flaws herself, as someone that set many unfair laws in motion just because of her fears and set the world into war from her grief, but you can't just SAY that hahah; She wants to be perfect, invulnerable, all-powerful, and Radagon is just "not that", not yet. I am pretty sure a big part of it is Marika's very pragmatic view on relationship, whereas Radagon *gasp* had the nerve to truly love Rennala! She only can truly become one with him when his flaws and vulnerabilities are eradicated and he is the same cold, calculating, clever, machiavellian entity as herself, literally just her but male. And, well... this hasn't been this way so far, so in turn, the two are at the conflict. He thinks of the other people and the world, and doesn't believe it is right to betray the Greater Will and the mortals born under it like that, when she decides to just let the world suffer and burn. Ironically, her "lowly" half had more sympathy and reason than her "dignified" half, after all.

This is all very interesting to think about, but so far a lot of this lingers on the conclusions I still need to confirm or deny via DLC! Anyways it was interesting to think about and put together!

[youremyheaven]

I second completely what you are saying about Claire Nakti's work, it's so male centered and heteronormative, and she always has to find a way to make it about sexuality or attraction when it frankly is not relevant.

I know that this is a personal thing, but as an ashlesha native I could not finish watching the ashlesha video, I found it so triggering as a person that has been sexually abused before. I found it really disturbing how she, in my opinion, seemed to romanticize abuse scenes or even directly say that it was part of the ashlesha "allure". She didn't criticize the men for being abusive, and placed responsibility on the ashlesha natives. I have absolutely no desire to be dominated or subjugated by a man, and the BDSM connection was just completely uncalled for, as she also ignored the fact that women can also be and are the Dom. Then again, she might have mentioned this but I couldn't finish the video.

Comparatively, I'm also a Purva bhadrapada native, and when I watched the Purva bhadrapada video, I learned a lot thematically yes, but I cant ignore the one dimensional representation she gave the women. Just like I don't have the desire to be dominated by men, I also don't have the desire to ruin their lives for absolutely no reason! 😭 It's cartoonish, a Femme Fatale is just the male version of "the bad boy" archetype but without the grace men are given by women cause they think "uwu he's sad I gotta save him♥️". Archetypes do not represent real women, they are just a way to dumb them down.

I think that part of the problem is using movie and movie characters to represent nakshatra themes, when most of these movies are made by and for straight men. They do not represent the experiences of women or queer people. Also, Movies aren't real life and I feel like it would be more realistic to study the patterns in natives lives and use movies more sparingly.

I've actually heard the same comment from multiple Ashleshas about how uncomfortable they were with how Claire sexualised the whole Ashlesha experience. I haven't watched the whole video either so idk but something I've noticed with Claire's research in general is how she fixates on one or two recurring themes (usually sexual/romantic/somehow involving men) and makes the whole video revolve around that?? she nitpicks examples to further her narrative. whenever she makes videos that are more centred around planetary dominance, its very apparent that the examples she is citing aligns with one nak or two more than the rest. In her Jupiter women video, most of the examples cited where Vishaka with some Punarvasus thrown into the mix and virtually no PBP girlies cited. i think the whole concept of planetary dominance is skewed to say the least because each nak manifests the planet's energies in a way that is unique to them so the qualities we associate with a planet are perhaps actually just the qualities of one single nak that exhibits it the most.

claire's research is also rooted in western esotericism, like kabbalah and whatever Aleister Crowley was teaching folks idek, and those are heavily based on weird sex rituals and male gaze-y teachings which if the rumours of her creepy bf doing the research are true, makes sense

she correlates vedic astrology to "archetypes" so each nak is "femme fatale" or "mother of maya" or whatever but its 1000x more complex than that?? its really really hard to narrow down a nak's energy into just one or two aspects, even when i do research i am acutely aware of how this is just a glimpse that i have into this energy at this moment, i find it very icky how claire will outright claim some nak is a succubus or some other nak is a tantric initiatrix without giving them the complexity they are due??

yeah same i think relying heavily on movies and fictitious works is not reliable because even beyond the fact that men make it for men, all art is the source of imagination. imagination and reality are very different. in my research i found out that many dictators have Jupiter naks, i wouldnt be able to make that connection by looking at movies because Jupiter themes manifest in movies are very different?? (surreal punarvasu, transformation heavy vishaka and chaotic destructive PBP and their mafia movies) what art we make and how we channel our naks through art is different from how these naks affect our personalities and behaviour

[foreverformula1]

F1 hard truth:

Lando Norris’ hardships in basic academics as shown in Grill the Grid isn’t solely the fault for training for F1 and dyslexia but also probably his lack of interest regarding educating himself and/or how he was academically educated growing up.

Because it’s interesting how this argument comes up only when it’s about Norris and sometimes some others too. But all drivers are pretty much average and Verstappen who is known for being the Top 1 at the moment, has a shocking pre F1 victory strike since Karting days (LITERALLY NEVER ARRIVING SECOND!) , countless stories about his hardships with his father coaching him since he was about 3 years old and making F1 all of his life, is often one of the best at these same games.

Fernando Alonso and Sabastian Vettel too.

The truth is that one might not me much intelligent and that’s about it, I completely understand it and struggle with it myself even when I was pushed academically more than my classmates.

But it becomes inexcusable when you don’t know where your country is. Something a 7 year old can do. He, like the others, travel the world as a job, even in their karting days.

We can sympathise with it and him, but don’t make excuses ,come up with theories or put the blame on motorsport. It shows that you are trying to sugarcoat it because you are aware that there’s no defence for it. He’s just … uneducated on basic geography but you don’t want to think about it because you like him. But you don’t have to “unfollow” him because of it. You can still like everything else about him while admitting that it can be better and surely without shaming him!

I believe that formal institutionalised academics are to ensure a certain level is reached. You actually can learn everything alone but of course, can’t or are not allowed to do some things without certification, for everyone’s safety. So it doesn’t make sense that just because someone didn’t complete high school, they are illiterate and completely stupid. As someone who comes from countries with actual illiterate people and is the daughter of one (who is now literate but you can see the struggle when one reached a certain age and the brain has harder times correcting some errors). So please stop theorizing that just because he or other drivers haven’t attended university or maybe have not finished high school, they are uneducated.

Edit: I saw the replies and rechecked my post, you are right and I modified the term. But I want to explain that I did not mean that he is actually stupid. I was just lacking of words and terms to explain what I meant. Now I replaced it with “Uneducated on basic geography” because I know very well he has other theological knowledge that would be hard to me. The “illiterate” part is misunderstood, I meant that as a way to indeed say that I believe the contrary: People can be literate without high school. I added it there because a pet peeve of mine is people actually being convinced that without a minimum of 3 years of university makes you illiterate all of a sudden. It’s a silly mentality to me, and it’s always an ick when a “fan” of him uses this “excuse”. I wanted to be understood but I messed up and I am sorry, but I hope you people understand what I meant in general with the post. I did not make it to shade him or point it out unlike many people in various social medias and comments under these videos;

I made this post to tell people who overanalyze and over-excuse him to just let it be. That’s it. It’s backhanded to put so much energy into this and prove otherwise when it’s plain simple (and other factors could play a role in it too, I know). But some people want to gaslight themselves into thinking that a celebrity of their liking is not as amazing(according to their personal standards and values) as they wish they were. People do this with other celebrities too, pushing the narrative that one is “secretly intentionally chaotic” or the contrary, just an example. People need to accept their celebrities without the guilt for one thing that turns them off. Or at least respect it and not force said narrative. People will gaslight themselves into changing the smallest details about celebrities to “vibe” better with them. Especially females (or maybe I notice it more with them because I am also one?), for example they will make hundreds of posts to show that they appreciate the female star’s natural voice when in reality it’s just simply at its’ deepest. I think it’s tied with the “not like the other girls” preference. Because they act like they have super high pitched voices when they simply are…ladies with an average feminine voice+feminine (sometimes hyper) style and persona. And all feminine things are now being called “cutesy” and childlike. When sometimes they are simply feminine /+and pretty. Because many times they are not even obnoxious at it. You’d think that they are talking about an anime girl voice, but it’s just a lady. They just don’t vibe with her voice and will gaslight themselves that she’s pushing it , ‘but that’s okay to them’.

[badhabitnun]

Hi, Green!!! I noticed in your bio you said you're a post-hiatus phannie and I'm curious, what got you to start watching them? Do you remember your first impressions?

(Sorry if this has been asked before! I hope you're having a wonderful day and also just wanted to add I lovedddd your phasquerade art, it's hilarious and adorable 💚)

-Ser :)

hi ser!! this is actually my first ask on this blog, so i was really excited to see something in my inbox 🥹 and thank you!! posting art is SCARY but everyone is being so nice… thank you so much for organizing the phasquerade!!!

i am incredibly sorry for the Length of what is to come now. my feelings aren’t easy to sum up + i doth yap

the main reason i started watching them is probably the dapg revival itself, since my friends started watching their new videos together in our server, and i got curious and asked to tag along. before then though i’d also heard of dnp from them, and as a long-time (12 years) tumblr user i have felt their influence without realizing they were the source? i now know where the whiskers and “protip” come from…

before starting to watch dnp myself i remember seeing my friends react to the phouse reveal (i remember i was like “huh wait at their age that might actually be gay”), basically i’m gay, why i quit youtube, and dan and phil tell the truth (i didn’t know what a girl in prague was and i WAS afraid to ask). those made me curious! but not curious enough to sit through the videos themselves. i felt really bad for dan from all that though! he really sounded like he suffered more than jesus from the contents of both BIG and WIQYT 😭 i remember feeling parasocially protective of him. this is all to say my impressions weren’t COMPLETELY fresh when i started watching and especially for dan i already had one

now back to late 2023! i’d made some really massive changes in my life, like actual leap of faith, the course of my life has been altered kinda massive, so youtube become a comfort space for me. enter these two nerds! the first impression i had of both of them together kind of related to where i was in life at the moment: the realization that you can just live with a fellow nerd who loves you and you don’t have to follow the path the adult world expects from you. seeing them act silly and embrace everything they love and be so carefree and happy to be themselves, sharing a domestic life that doesn’t follow what heteronormative society demands… i know this is all obvious to so many people, but i really needed it at the time.

they became a reminder that i could have this life, that i have something to look forward to and my life isn’t over or doomed to be what society wants it yo be. their chemistry is something very pure and very real and especially now that they’re both open about their sexualities you can really feel how connected they are and how much fun they have together. it just makes me so happy to see two people adore each other so much after all these years!! god!!!

as i’ve said before i knew about dan from his yearly videos in the hiatus era, but i knew almost nothing about phil! the first thing that stood out to me was his accent, since i am very bad at recognizing accents BUT i watch plumbella so i was like whoa is he northern!! and that was kind of an instant comfort factor.

phil is an underrated comfort video genius like seriously... i was facing the horrors of being stuck at home for christmas with a thousand thoughts on my mind and his silly videos were like a nice patch of sunshine. i absolutely agree with dan on phil’s kind energy; he is like those nice people who come talk to you and actually try to make you laugh and feel more at ease if they notice you’re feeling shy. he kept me a LOT of company and i genuinely owe him for that. i can also tell he’s incredibly smart and creative even though his videos now are more casual; he definitely does a lot behind the scenes and he’s an excellent storyteller. i’ve later come to learn that he has also repressed a lot of things for the sake of his audience and probably dan as well, he really has a good heart. also, he resonates a lot with the autistic experience, and regardless of the reason that does make me feel happy and seen

as for dan. well! once i actually started watching his videos firsthand, dan felt like looking at a mirror, which has Impacted Me psychologically. a lot. BUT let’s get the silly stuff out of the way first i immediately understood why my friend has a crush on him 😭😭😭 like i get it!!! i can never bully them for having a crush again because i fucking get it he’s hot he knows it he carries it well! fuck!

but more than that… he immediately made me reflect on myself. i can’t get into my impressions on dan from dapg without saying first that i have had a similar journey with depression and homophobia and repressing everything and he forced me to face that i still have a lot of work to do. i didn’t realize that just knowing i’m queer and acting on it doesn’t automatically mean that i accept myself being queer. that is something that only BIG and hearing dan talk about queerness and mental health made me realize. so right after the omg funny hot nun, i had to kind of reconsider my whole life for a bit… and i’m still in the process of doing that…

more than anything, i think what i’ve felt and keep feeling watching both his older and newer videos is “god i’m so glad he’s out” and “god i’m so glad he can make art”. i just feel so proud of him, so happy he can experience life as himself, so happy that he can laugh and joke about being gay so freely, so happy he can make the art he wants and feel accepted, and so happy that he can proudly smile at his audience now, after i first heard of him as someone who was isolated and scared. again, i projected on him a lot, and i knew about his struggles beforehand, so my impressions are mostly sentimental 😭

all in all they’ve helped me immensely and made my life so much better, both as themselves with their comment and through the community they created over the years. i’ve been a lurker for the past couple of months and what made me come forward and make my own blog is the way their kindness and acceptance extends to their audience and vice versa :)

hopefully that answers your questions and i hope this wasn’t too much oversharing!! i feel like my current place in life influences how i see them and relate to them, and they also influenced me a lot and that contributes to how i perceive them, and so on. putting all these thoughts into words in one place and realizing things about myself bit by bit was really interesting; hopefully the formatting won’t kill those who try to read it. i’m sorry. i wrote this in my notes app 🫡