#if you couldn't tell i'm basically my own therapist. i know what's going on up there i can trace everything back

[aromantic-diaries]

On one hand it's only been one whole year since I've started actively identifying as aromantic which is relatively recent but somehow it feels like I've just known my entire life.

To be fair I have always been aromantic considering my lack of crushes or generally being an outsider to romance and I just didn't always have the right words to describe how I felt or when I did I was deep in denial but the feelings were still there. I was aromantic then just as much as I am now, I just actually acknowledge it these days and I talk about it rather than telling myself I just haven't met the right person yet

[rizsu]

"i fucking give up," satoru complains, throwing himself on your bed.

"get off my bed?" you complain, throwing the chips at him.

not only was he uninvited, he also messed up your freshly made bed with clean sheets. surely he isn't going to force you into a therapist, right..?

"don't tell me what to do," he speaks, voice muffled as he's face down on the bed, "it's your fault i'm like this anyway."

you pay no mind to him, tossing your phone onto the bed before you go to the bathroom.

"yeah, yeah. i'm the big bad wolf."

satoru turns his head to face your direction. the side of his face's squished, enhancing his pout. ever since he had that dream he's been like this. it's always some fucking dream and never something that happens in real life. to say he's tired is a severe understatement and just disrespectful.

technically, this entire ordeal is his fault — but technically, you're the one who's at major fault! it's not his fault he caught feelings for you which was against the conditions you laid out. it's also not his fault you're exactly his type. totally not his fault you care for him in a way that blurs the line between platonic and romantic. yeah, not his fault.

‘friends with benefits my ass,’ he curses in his mind, watching the closed door of your bathroom. ‘what is she doing? it does not take that long to pee.’

soon after you re-enter the room, wiping your hands on your thighs before calculating your precise landing spot as you jump.

location: on top of gojo satoru's back.

action: completed successfully.

"what the fuck," he groans, turning to throw you off his back.

you laugh softly, patting his leg with your foot. "that's what you get."

he glares at you, mocking your words in a childish tone.

a silence settles in, both you of go on to do your own things. satoru fiddling with the rubix cube on your bedside table, and you were switching through apps on your phone.

it's comfortable, being in a moment of silence with another person. there's no forced feeling to start a conversation; just the way you like it. peace, beautiful peace.

"OKAY!"

startled, you looked at satoru with the physical expression of ‘???’

"are you malfunctioning?" your tone's disgusted, so too is your expression.

satoru sits up, "(y/n), i decided."

"decided what?" you reply, mirroring his action.

"remember that dream i've been talking about?"

"yeah?"

"it was about us. so, basically, i fell in love with you and i know you said you don't want any romantic relationships because of the commitment but i couldn't help it after the dream — i want it to be real, i really—"

"take a breather, satoru," you cut him off, placing a hand over his mouth.

maintaining eye contact with him, you slowly removed your hand, "don't rap your words, ‘kay?"

"yeah," he voice goes soft, breaking the eye contact to look at your hand.

"it's true i'm not looking for any commitment, but who knows? maybe i want you the way you want me," you shrugged.

satoru doesn't replicate your nonchalance. in fact, his jaw dropped approximately thirty degrees down! slamming his hand down on the bed, he leans forward.

"please, please don't be rational right now. thy must listen thee heart, not thou mind," he speaks, pretending that he said a ground-breaking philosophy quote.

"what's with the old english? anyway, i'll try to not be rational."

‘he's nervous,’ you think, noting his habit of biting the skin off his lip.

"don't do that," your arm extends to his face, using your thumb to pull his lip out his teeth. "you'll bruise your lip."

the action causes him to groan, throwing his head back.

"oh fuck you, (y/n). just kiss me if you're gonna do that," he complains, pouting at you.

"if you say so," shrugging again, you pull him down to you, initiating the kiss first.

like he said, you won't be rational. you'll save the regrets or whatever for tomorrow.

[brucewaynehater101]

i'm not sure how much you know about fnaf but there are a couple au's relating to that i keep throwing around in my head involving tim.

tim, terrified of animatronics which he's seen get stuffed with dead bodies or used to actively murder children, gets caught by older cousins/friends/secret third option and put into an animatronic's mouth, which bites down and crushes his skull. he recovers with the help of the drake's friend william who owned the restaurant (and is the murderer killing children), but suffers night terrors. the drakes then offer to take him to the circus that's in town as per recommendation from their therapist and we all know how that goes.

now tim's triple traumatized and the drakes ask the help of william to take care of how tim's behaving, and he constructs the plot of fnaf 4, with giant haunting robots attacking him in his bedroom, to experiment around with tim while his parents are outside of the country, and any time he tries telling them the truth they chock it up to trauma.

eventually, william, as per fnaf lore, gets killed in a confrontation of the ghosts of the children he killed, stuffed in a golden bunny suit. without him the robots that haunt him are still active, but without william around there's nothing stopping him from leaving the house, encouraging his stalking habits and allowing him to see batman and robin in action. he becomes obsessed with them and he becomes robin and red robin and what not.

then he finds out that william is still alive in the suit, and is killing nightguards and experimenting with the other dead children, and he tries to stop him, first going to an underground storage facility to enact the plot of fnaf sister location, where at the end his internal organs get scooped out and his empty body used as a husk for the robots in the facility to escape.

eventually, tim's body decays and they leave, but tim is still alive somehow. now tim is undead, and is working on deconstructing the robots and ending the legacy of william, freeing the souls in the process. the entire time, the bats being ignorant to what he's doing until he kills himself in a fire with everything related to fazbear, william, and the robots.

i prefer the bats, and other heroes or villains, being there while the robots from the facility (ennard), leave red robin/tim drake's body. the cutscene from the game is 8 bit, but in essence he starts shaking, his eyes go black, his jaw unhinges and he falls flat to the floor as the entity leaves his body. he gets up eventually, but when could change the story alot.

i know some parts are vague but idk how much fnaf lore you know and it's an interesting idea even without full knowledge of the story of the fnaf games. just tim having an extreme traumatic experience as a child, viewing batman and robin's ability to overcome their experiences by working together and keeping gotham safe and thinking more highly of them because he associates them with freedom and nights of peace even though he doesn't sleep.

this is getting really long BUT every time bruce sends tim home tim has to face actual nightmare creatures trying to kill him with more broken or hurt limbs than he would have otherwise. and bruce just doesn't notice.

Fuck. I really don't know much about FNAF lore, so this was a bit of a wild ride (in a good way!). The only exposure I've had to FNAF is playing what I think was the first game (though I couldn't live past the second night) and one MHA fic. The fic was a very very interesting concept of Midoriya, before he went to UA, getting trapped in a virtual world by someone's quirk. He basically had to complete 7 horror games as if he was living through them. One of the games was FNAF (and the animatronics gain consciousness. It's freaky). I didn't finish the fic, but the concept was rad as hell.

I haven't read it, but there are also some FNAF fics with Tim and John Constantine.

I love how much your AU is torturing poor Tim. He doesn't get a break when he's done with Robin. He's got to continuously deal with all this shit and traumatize his family with the way he dies. I'm a little lost on the exact timeline here, but I'm vibing with the ideas

[hetalia-club]

Finally i don't feel alone in thinking the fandom is toxic, because I had to deal with a horrible amount of ableism (for literal disabilities I have and apparently someone thought I was incontinent and basically compared incontinent people to diaperfuckers) and even still I have to hide behind anon due to the fact the fandom also has a problem with stalking too, since i have been stalked by people who made private accounts around me and screenshotting everything I said to the point I had to actually talk to someone from the Trevor Project because I genuinely did not feel safe

apologies for the rambling, this fandom isn't normal about disabled people

Honey I'm so sorry :(. Yes people are mean and something about this fandom normalizes it. Idk what it is exactly. People say it's 'always been this way' and while that's true it HAS gotten WORSE. mainly because the fandom is smaller and the assholes just sort of all form a cult together and thrive off each others negativity. They say the people with the worse opinions are the loudest and that couldn't be more true within this fandom.

Also the ability to go fully anonymous on this sight is both a blessing and a plague. I do feel that there SHOULD be a way to find out who the anon was. I myself have been consistently harassed by a Spain kin for almost 5 years. It used to really get to me and it doesn't anymore. I truly just no longer give a shit. I went on Hiatus for 2 years and they CAME BACK! Like they were waiting in the shadows and like a bond vilian just turned in their chair and were like "well well well...". It's just kind of funny if you think about it I live rent free in their dome and they don't even know me. An I can't block them because they are always on anon. So I just delete it and carry on with my life. Last year my therapist diagnosed me with Avoidant Personality Disorder and it answered a lot of questions I've always had about myself. Which means I am an extremely shy person chronically so. I take things to heart even if I shouldn't. I feel things very deeply for myself and for other people and animals. My therapist taught me some tools to try and help me deal and I got an increase in my meds. One of those was to not watch the news or actively sought out negative events because those destroy me. I just can't take it. It's a huge trigger for me and I wish it wasn't I don't like the idea that I make it about me' in some way. It doesn't really do much but it numbs me a bit and makes me care less. It still affects me sure but I feel too unbothered to care. My AI covers have been a HUGE stress relief for me and a good distraction from my feelings. But again it's just a distraction. They are little boosts of serotonin to make and it makes me happy and it makes me even happier when someone enjoys it.

The reason I tell you this is to help you understand that no one really gives a shit. That sounds harsh but please let me elaborate on that. I mean I have straight told people "I am legit too shy to function and I do not like to talk about certain things because it gives me major embarrassment that can last actual days. Can we find a new topic or maybe pivot." but they don't actually listen to me about it. And I understand that it's hard to remember everyone's little quirks but to constantly have to remind people and for them to just "Oh yeah sorry... anyway like I was saying" really stings. Because of my disorder you can imagine I have an extremely hard time speaking my mind and standing up for myself. I want everyone to like me I don't want anyone to dislike me to a fault. I will ignore my own feelings and emotions to let others speak about what makes them happy even if sometimes it does sting. So I actually very much do know exactly where you are coming from with that. Just please remember that these are strangers online. Yes they can say hurtful things but the second you close teh app they disappear. They don't actually matter. And YES I am fully aware that this is easier said than done please believe me on that.

This fandom does have a serious issue with ignoring and disrespecting others disabilities. Especially some that are not really heard about/normalized much like yours or mine. I 100% know everyone thinks I'm lying about my personality disorder being a real thing If they don't want to understand me I can't make them, which sucks but I have no control over that. I wish it were not that way but we can't change other people and the way they think/ act but we can work on ourselves and how we process harassment. I wish you luck anon, you're never alone on this bitch of an earth, love you <3

[asteral-feileacan]

"I know 😔I recall coming across an interview from a showrunner who basically denied Bucky's lack of agency, called him the bad guy, said he needed to be punished for what he's done and then had the gall to say that they hoped trauma survivors felt represented by "what we did for Bucky's trauma".

Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? Bucky was literally captured, experimented on, tortured via electrocution, brainwashed to the point he had no memories and did not even know who he was.... as well as incarcerated against his will for 7 decades and they deny his lack of agency?

Yeah- on some level he does perhaps deserve to be punished but I blame the rich and powerful people who did that to him- and the powerful people who commissioned him to carry out those "missions" far more than I blame Bucky himself.

THEY deserve to be punished more than he does. How do people not get that? Or do the makers of the MCU just love the US government so much they don't understand how messed up it is to blame the person who was lliterally tortured until he couldn't remember who he was more than than the people who tortured and exploited him for their own ends? Sorry if that's too political for you.

Apologies, I've now written a very long post, all because I went back to find the screenshots and got angry about seeing them again XD

I think this is just really problematic for a number of reasons.

First, it's not an "excuse". One of the best things I've ever read anyone say in response to this topic is in this post. Pasted the quotes here:

The analogy is not “if you lost control of your car and killed someone you still need to be responsible for what your car caused”. It is not “if you’re a soldier who followed orders you still need to be responsible for the life you took”. Bucky was not distracted or indoctrinated. He was induced into a state where he had no idea who he was, could barely recall what he did, and where “he will do anything you tell him to”.

The correct analogy is “if someone hijacked your car, tied you up and locked you in the trunk, then drove your car into people, you are not held responsible for what happened to the victims because you were as much a victim as they are”.

I disagree that Bucky deserves to be punished in any capacity for his time as the Winter Soldier, and the quote I pulled from that post explains exactly why in a clearer and more concise manner than I'm about to from a storytelling/character perspective.

So, starting from the end of the first screenshot and moving backwards because I noticed something aggravating:

"I remember every kill. And that means that a part of me was there for one of those."

This is such a POWERFUL sentence. This is a GREAT sentence. This is Bucky admitting his misbelief, which he completely believes, which is not the truth he thinks it is. The misbelief in a character is a device that can elevate the story so much if done well. I mean, this is a man who has suffered one unimaginable cruelty after another, who was tortured and brainwashed to the point that he couldn't remember who he was, to the point that he was controlled into killing people, targets, whomever his handlers wished him to get rid of. And he remembers the faces of every person that the Winter Soldier killed.

That's a hell in and of itself. He's been freed from Hydra, he's recovering himself, he's relearning who Bucky Barnes is, he's trying to figure out who he himself is now in the wake of it all, and in the middle of everything, the world hates and fears him. He hates and fears himself. So the seeds of doubt get planted: why didn't I do more? I could have tried harder. It's my fault.

So he's stuck in a negative feedback loop - no one, not even his own therapist, is helping him to get out of it, and is only perpetuating it. So that's a deeply internalised untruth he can't let go of. He feels guilty.

(Thanks for bearing with me through that) And my point? Spellman in this interview undermines that, intentionally or not.

Stan Lee himself talked to Sebastian Stan about how Bucky is one of the good guys. I'm watching some interviews now, and it's genuinely confusing to me how he has this same point about how it's what Bucky feels about himself, but then in the previous lines he's painting Bucky in this light where it's "an excuse" that Hydra manipulated him. And then I remember the show - again, Bucky is treated so badly by the other characters in this series. That could have been another good storytelling device, but it's the fact that the narrative itself wants Bucky to BE guilty, not FEEL guilty. It's that fact that other characters are put in a good light for dismissing Bucky, and Bucky is put in a bad light for existing. Don't get me started on that therapist.

It's just. UGH. The series had so much potential, and Spellman, despite odd remarks, DOES understand Bucky's psyche in these interviews to some extent. So how did the show end up being such a mess in regards to his trauma, only just managing to scrape together an end note for him there that would have been much more effective if the show had been committed to Bucky, ONE OF ITS MAIN CHARACTERS?

Sebastian Stan, from what I've seen, is pretty much our only saving grace, as I remember reading comments from him that were such a breath of fresh air in the heat of all this.

And you're completely right - Hydra is completely to blame. The government treated Bucky horribly as well, just casting him off while still thinking of him as a threat and doing virtually nothing to help him.

Anyway - I'm so sorry for this lengthy rant. On the upside, now I'm remembering the exact reason that, about a year or two ago, compelled me to start preparing to re-write TFATWS. Maybe I'll go dig out those notes again and give it another shot. That post I linked is brilliant and covers all my gripes in extremely well-composed arguments, and it was worth scrolling through all my posts to find it again XD

TL;DR: The show was nice, but not only could it have been WAY better, it also handled trauma very poorly. As both an avid Bucky fan and a writer, I was and am extremely disappointed. For what it was, it was passable, and I liked it, but it started out on so many deep thoughts about the characters and basically gave up halfway through pretty much all of them.

[donnerpartyofone]

Ranting, complaining.

In my admittedly limited experience something that makes for bad therapy is the reductive impulse--the approach of reducing all psychological ailment to some general, universal experience. This is supposed to make you feel like you're in good company and not beyond help, but it can also be anonymizing and condescending. For instance suicide prevention rhetoric that focuses on the idea that it's all about loneliness makes me sort of crazy; I mean certainly there are instances where alienation is the main thing, especially with younger people I'd bet, but it's infantilizing to suggest that an adult couldn't have bigger, deeper problems than the need for more phone calls and hugs. And I think this misunderstanding enables the argument that suicide is a cruel thing to do to the people in your life, which is this awful mind trick people play to convince themselves that the pain of loss is serious but whatever pain it is that compels you to actually end your own life is somehow inconsequential and bearable. Apparently you should have just made more phone calls and asked for more hugs, no problem can't be solved by that, and if you didn't do this then other people get to hate you. I've seen people get so angry at their dear friends who committed suicide, and I've been in very bad places just to be told something like "you are not alone." Like no offense but I fucking know that, you're standing right there saying it to me aren't you? Please don't treat me like some lonely teenager, I have other things going on.

Another reductive thing is the strategy of trying to convince the patient that they are "normal". There's a post I once saw here about how someone's therapist blithely tells them "I mean what even IS 'normal' anyway!" like it's this amazing revelation, and the person lists three or four patently aberrant and damaging experiences that most people would never understand in order to say "Can you just try to get on my fucking level with this please?" Maybe that person WAS tormented by feeling abnormal but it's obviously unfair of their therapist to treat them like they can't tell their circumstances are unusual. Besides which you can accept the enlightened cosmic view that there's no such thing as "normal" or that there are more people like yourself than you'll ever know, and you can still be tortured by the effects of your experiences. Universality is not much comfort if something really hurts you.

A big part of my mental health struggles have to do with what I now understand are ADHD-related problems (and I believe ASD is also involved but I don't have that diagnosis yet). Like let's say half my problem is really deep complex depression and fear, and half of it is just the fact that every day is way harder than it needs to be because I can't get a grip on basic tasks. It's the Sisyphus thing, you might think you're a pretty decent guy and that many people share your problems, but eventually you may start wishing that boulder would just squash you the next time it rolls back down because the situation is unmanageable. My first therapist treated me like I was exaggerating or making up all my practical hangups due to low self-esteem. My third therapist accepted that I was being truthful but she would say to me, "Well what if YOU'RE not wrong, what if the rest of the WORLD is wrong!" Like yes I agree the world should be more accommodating to people with different neurological conditions or whatever but whether or not I blame myself for everything, the "everything" is still wrecking my life. Doing mental gymnastics to put a positive spin on it has zero effect on what a hard time I'm having. Please don't talk to me like I'm some child who has never heard that it's OK to be different. If you do I will go insane and I will roam the streets doing Victorian madwoman behaviors and I will not get over it for a long time.

Another thing therapist #3 did that seems to be popular was to take away the words "insane" and "crazy"--and like I do understand what that's about, a generalized diagnosis of just being "fucked up" doesn't help you get to the bottom of things. But if you prevent me from saying those words that will not stop me from feeling crazy and insane. You're just arguing semantics with me when we could be talking productively about my issues and this may actually make me feel crazier.

[nerdygaymormon]

Heyo! I'm an ex mormon trans gal who came across your blog and overall good for you for sticking to what you believe and being a sort of bridge for queer folk in the church, especially the kids!

I couldn't do it. I tried going back to the church after several years into hrt and my experience was horrid. Every week I was told to meet with the bishop and I was restricted more and more. I ended up being unable to use the woman's restroom (mens was fine though :|), go to relief society, or basically ever give talks/prepare lessons/speak during testimony.

The main thing that hurt the most is that everyone was really glad I was back while they were talking to me, but since I was going to a single's ward full of people I knew in my family ward growing up, everyone knew I was trans and I think people reported being uncomfortable with me being in 'female only' spaces. No one called me by my actual name and only one person ever called me Sister. Every restriction placed upon me was also supposedly coming from higher up as well. Stake presidency was involved, and iirc, my bishop said he wrote the big 12 and got answers back for what I was and wasn't allowed to do. Another horrible thing is that they wanted to set me up with church therapists (I already had a therapist and had been on hormones for years at this point) and counselors, and when I heard about that is when I dipped. I know conversion therapy isn't technically legal here, but I know that also doesn't stop church therapists from constantly berating you and basically telling you you're 'on the wrong path'.

Quite honestly it was hellish trying to walk the line of being a trans woman in the church. I think letting queer kids that are in the church having a way to find themselves is huge though and I'm so glad you're able to walk that line, so thank you. I hope me randomly sending this is okay, thought you might enjoy an ex-members perspective on what made her leave.

Wow, that's a lot, and unfortunately that is not uncommon. Thank you for sharing.

I want people to be happy, healthy, and whole, and it's a real shame it usually isn't possible for queer people inside the LDS Church.

My being in church is complicated. Sometimes it's lovely and other times I wonder if I can keep going, or even if I should.

I use this blog to write about my own thoughts, feelings and experiences as a queer Mormon. I also post things that are affirming of queer people. We need more affirmations in our lives to refute the rejecting messages we get from church and society.

I wish things were different at church, God loves everyone, God says we're all alike, God says we're to all be one and not treat each other differently based on gender, nationality, and so on. We're to treat others how we want to be treated. And yet, humans aren't so good at that.

[transhawks]

im stupid so sorry for this but how is spinners devotion and desperation to be useful and helpful all that much different from twices??

Okay, I'm going to ask that people give me some time. I've been working on a meta series for a weeks that will look at the League critically, but it's the second post and the first one is a discussion of heteromorphs in the series.

But just to give you a small preview of the second part where I discuss villains - it's not. That's the entire point.

Twice was mentally ill and constantly treating his friendships with the League as something he needed to prove he deserved. It was a very transactional way of thing - he repeats that he needs to make up Magne's death to them constantly, calls himself nothing while standing up and continuing to fight for them. As heart-touching as it is, it's also just very a very toxic sort of friendship. I understand this site skews towards similarly screwed up people, but imagine how a therapist would react if you told them, "I don't give a shit what happens to me, I just want my friend's happiness."

Like objectively, you know that's not healthy, right? I love my friends (my IRL found family of other qt first gen/poc) deeply, and can say that I live for them, but I also know that isn't the best mindset when it means I prioritize other people's well-being and happiness over my own. In fact, a lot of that mindset caused enabling of addiction and dangerous behavior widely in that friend group where people really had to detach in order to become better because dysfunction was so normalized among us.

Keep that in mind about how the League worked, even when Twice was around. You can't tell me it's good when some of Twice's last thoughts were "They accepted me, and how I'd pay them back?"

You know that's not how friendships have to work? Someone showing you basic decency, kindness, that shouldn't be something you feel like you have to repay. Twice had been abandoned and spit on so much that he never got out of the trap of thinking he had to do things to get people to stay.

So, to answer your question, it's not different. The whole point is that the League are deeply fucked up people who found each other, and if we're to be honest, did not get better, but got understood by people like them. I want to reiterate that - the League on some basis, had understandings with each other, but it's even stated by Compress, "A collection of warped minds who never bothered with prying into each others' pasts." They respected who each person was and accepted it, which societally had been done for none of them, but don't miss this part - they didn't help each other get better and overcome their issues.

And, frankly, it makes sense they couldn't! Like I said, friend groups of people like that often become spaces where certain behaviors and thoughts are normalized.

I'm going to add this - I understand that there's a popular fanon interpretation of the League of Villains where they are a found family who don't need society to get better and help each other. But that's the issue; it's lovely in fanfics, but absolutely not expressed in canon. Any attempts at helping each other were small. Yes, they have (had?) each other's backs, but the thing about being in a sinking pit with other people is that you need someone outside of it to pull you out.

[soullikethesea]

I feel sad. Saw T yesterday and it went better than it did last time. I could tell she was really trying and she seemed open to connection. She also asked about parts and that felt nice, because sometimes many sessions go by without ever talking about parts and it does make some of us feel unseen at times. (I know we should just bring it up ourselves in those cases).

T asked if I felt like therapy feels like a repetition of something (like earlier therapy). And yeah, in some ways. It does remind me of L and Old T, near the end, right before I stopped seeing them. I told T that we have gotten to know each other really well and now that seems to make it progressively harder for me.

It feels stuck. I get knots in my shoulders as I approach the terrain. Mentioned that, and then T asked a whole bunch about "what the knots would say if they could talk". Lol. The only thing I could imagine them saying was "go away". Not to T, I think, but to me. T proposed taking a walk, but I was scared of seeing other people outside. So then she said to just imagine taking a walk. I couldn't bring myself to follow her in imagining, unfortunately. I just had Wuss yelling at me inside.

Whenever I felt myself being pulled into emotions, getting upset, he yelled that it's bullshit and that I need to snap out of it. The fear of getting upset for like three days again, losing precious energy I need to cope with work.

T also asked if I was upset with her, but I just can't find the words! I just don't know. Am I upset with her? Maybe??? But why???? And is it not just me being horrible and ruining everything? T said she wondered if it was "attachment stuff", and yeah, probably, who knows... She said that I could imagine a perfect session with a perfect therapist and then we would know what to do. I kind of snapped at her that she still expects *me* to know everything, but I actually don't. I think it would be something like a T proposing some exercises and guiding me through it by giving options.

It's probably transference or just me being stupid, but I do think I need more structure. And yes, this feels like being back at Old T and how she came to telling me that she can't help me.

The T I have now is a bit more solid, but yeah, maybe I'm already driving her towards that as well.

I just feel so overwhelmed and I want the world to make sense and not to lead my own therapy. I already lead so much while I'm teaching. And man, I feel so freaking lonely.

I'm holding on at work, but I'm sacrificing my ability to connect.

Wuss kind of blocks all possible therapy work as well. He says that it's bullshit to focus on the past, because it's over and it's just a pity party to think about it. He says that about any and all emotions, basically. It's wearing me down. It's true, I don't want to think about the past anymore. It feels too heavy. But I also want to live a life that has a certain quality of life to it. Being all alone and not even in touch with myself hurts that QoL.

I sent T an analysis video of the 8 Passengers case on Youtube. It reminds me so much of how my dad and stepmum were, their mindset. I hope it shows how you get an overcontrolled child. But it also feels so pointless to share. Who even cares, why should it matter what happened. I've thought about it for 10 years and I'm still struggling.

I wish I could go back to some inner softness and some connection. I'll take connection with T if that's all that's available. I just can't seem to handle it. Even breathing in therapy scares me.

[headpainmigraine]

They know.

They already know this.

It's a feature of disability benefits, to make them as difficult to apply for, then appeal, then appeal at tribunal, to get.

People who are already struggling have to fill in an enormous form detailing all the ways your life sucks, all the things you can't do, how everything impacts you in minute detail.

It's all postal as well, by the way. There's no online form. You can type and print the answers, but it still has to go by snail mail.

And then you wait for over a year for some dental hygienist/dermatologist/gp receptionist/physical therapist fuck to tell you 'well, I googled your condition because I don't know anything about it (but I can still look at your case because I'm a 'medical professional') and decided, based on the first page that came up, what your capabilities should be according to that half a website I couldn't be arsed to read (like your application form) so I'm refusing you because you're a dirty liar because your lived experience doesn't match my 5 minute speed read of the wiki page of your condition.

And then you have to go back to them to appeal, which is basically the process, then wait another ???? months without this income until they toss a coin as to if they send you to tribunal or not, because who wants to bother reading a form again?

If you're lucky, they very generously give you barely enough money to cover the extra meds you need that the GP won't give you on prescription because itll cost them money so you have to buy them online.

If you have a family member or friend who is a carer, they more than generously get, hmm, 10% of what it would cost for the government to provide you with care instead, but that's OK, because your elderly mum/overworked spouse/friend with their own life can look after you no problem!

If you're not lucky, ????? months to go to tribunal where someone actually reads your application for the first time and overturns the DWP's decision, and you can get backdated payments.

Yay!

And if you still haven't starved, frozen to death or killed yourself during the most dehumanising process of your life since the last time you saw a doctor, you might just about be able to clear all the debt you've incurred while you were waiting for the DWP to decide if you're enough of a useless cripple to be granted the pittance they give you which doesnt even match minimum wage.

Boris Johnson said that Covid was nature's way of dealing with the elderly, clearing the way for "the young" (he's 59, so, thanks for your sacrifice, Boris)

If half the disabled people claiming benefits in the UK died next week, the Tories would consider it a success.

[fatherbearfreddy]

Hey ralphie. How exactly does the AIs work?

Aren't they adaptive? But then why do management expect them to stay the same?

Could you clear anything regarding that up?

So, I'm gonna be honest I don't quite get it either but yes. They're AI is adaptive and constantly making micro improvements. It's like a rudimentary mind of a child, but there's so many little tricks going that I'm not really sure how to explain.

Management, excuse my language, doesn't know a rats ass about their robots. We have levels of staff, usually dictated with the security clearance passes. Those are less for the security staff and more for a basic identification of who to go to about certain problems. Management is clueless about how their own programs work. That's our and the programmers, and the mechanics jobs.

Basically they have thresholds enforced that they aren't allowed to cross anymore.

Don't tell them but our current band is the second generation, the old set had the same systems in place and we had a really unfortunate series of accidents. I was one of the old programmers at the time and... well they were sad. Really sad, and since they didn't have anyone to talk to about it except each other it turned into a looping cycle of increased misery. They couldn't perform onstage anymore because they were too upset. I advocated with a few others to get therapists in for them but I guess it was cheaper to scrap the whole group.

We had to wipe them back to the base of their learning model and put new shells on them. Eclipse, or he was back then, got split into our Sun and Moon drops because we couldn't actually risk resetting him. Too many special things like ban lists and face identification for children protections. So we knocked out a bunch of memory data and redesigned his body into our solar duo.

Now Fazbear decided instead of having therapists like human staff, they have boundaries of awareness they aren't allowed to cross. Especially death or major injuries.

After Sundrop had his nervous meltdown they finally listened to us and I got promoted to Chica's technician. They found the rest of us who weren't already technicians soon after. Things were going really well and we've been good at steering them to grow without tripping the lines.

And then Bonnie went missing. Freddy started wandering the place aimlessly and stopped talking to customers. He wasn't depressed, at least no where near what his 1.0 reached, but management got worried. So they put Shine on duty for him and started watching him closely. They don't know about this blog. We've never had a band member go missing and all of the animatronics are handling it differently. They're almost like children in big metal bodies, and we have to help them stay safe.

(Don't tell Claire but I think her mother daughter relationship with Roxy is really sweet, Roxy needed something like that.)

So until Shine is back and can remove some of this from him, he might be put in standby until her return if he acts too strangely.

I'm planning on encouraging him to interact with guests.

Freddy doesn't know how to lie, but we may need to teach him if we want him to be up and about.

[nestasgalpal]

Hi! I recently read a post where the OP sort of lists why she relates to Nesta. And I think anti-nestas have missed that point completely. They can't grasp how Nesta could possibly be relatable. So I thought I'd ask, has there ever been a scenario IRL where you felt like you were Nesta? If not, that's cool too. Liking her for her badassery alone is enough but I'm just curious if there's an IRL reason. #IAmNesta

Okay, long answer. Here I go:

I relate to Nesta in the sense that I deal with absolutely everything in an extremely private way. I don't share my feelings until I've already processed them (which takes me forever), I don't ask for advice, I don't ask for help and even when those things are offered to me, I have a hard time accepting them.

Just like Nesta, my reaction to almost everything is isolating myself from the rest, and working on my own to block it. Like, I won't even work on my feelings or intrusive thoughts, I do what my therapist calls "anesthesia", where I simply block things and refuse to acknowledge them. I pretend they don't exist. I think Nesta does the same, but the kind of stuff she is bottling up is obviously of a different magnitude than what I deal with. She is a fictional character!!

We have known since the beginning, because Feyre told us, that Nesta mourned the death of their mother like nobody else. We were told as well she was the one who suffered the most from the loss of their fortune. We then learned that Nesta is a victim of child abuse, both physical from her grandmother and psychological from basically all the adults in her life. We discover that she was groomed her entire childhood and brainwashed into thinking she must marry a prince to ensure the family's future. That's where the people in her life told Nesta her worth as a person was: in her ability to marry. And after accepting such a thing and growing up enduring that kind of abuse, all of a sudden they lose their status, everything she has learned to excel at isn't useful anymore, and apparently she did all that for nothing.

I think her anger is reasonable. I understand her because when I'm unable to understand my own emotions I become angry as well. In my case, I'm angry with myself, not the world or other people, but to others I seem more short-tempered than I usually am. From outside we are regarded as petty or unreasonably unpleasant because our attiture comes "out of nowhere", but it's our own fault, because we won't tell people about what we are going though.

What Nesta did wrong was allowing it to harm her relationship with her sisters, who were blameless. She was I think 14 when they moved out and into the cottage (right after she refused to marry the duke, which probably added to the frustration, although a 14y/o shouldn't have been in that position at all). Their father did nothing, and Nesta simply had never learned how to deal with things in a healthy way, so she lashed out. I'm sad we never got an explanation as to why she was protective of Elain and not Feyre. I personally came to the conclusion it was because her mother used to talk to her about Elain like she was a dumb but pretty girl, and perhaps Nesta wanted to allow her to keep her apparent bubbliness, the protection from the outside world she never got. It could also be because she thought Elain, being the prettiest, still had a chance to find a good match, while she considered herself and Feyre hopeless.

What I respect from Nesta, maybe because it happens to me as well, is that she is aware of how her actions affect others (again, we are on different levels lol). She knows she is hurting Feyre, and she hates that about herself. Perhaps she doesn't do the same thing to Elain because, while Feyre clearly has no issue fighting back, Nesta assumes Elain couldn't, and the damage would be greater??? The thing is that she never asks Feyre to understand her reasons. Does that make sense? Like, she is aware of how horrible she is being, and if Feyre wanted to cut ties with her, she wouldn't blame her. In fact, when Feyre wants to go back to save Tamlin, Nesta encourages her to go and be happy. She knows Feyre desserves better than a life with her in it.

Nesta won't get upset and ask her sister to be more understanding, which I think is better than thinking she is entitled to other people's compassion and patience. As I see it, that's why when they get their money back she is willing to give Feyre anything she needs, even if helping fae is considered treason. Because she feels guilty and believes she owes Feyre for putting up with her and not leaving. In my opinion, Feyre refusing to give up on her only makes Nesta feel worse about herself.

I don't know, I liked that she is not delusional about her toxic behavior, and that when she pushes people away, she doesn't expect them to fight back to stay in her life. She never demands others to empathize with her, and after lashing out, accepts whatever they decide to do. Because as someone who struggles to allow people in or accet help, I would never expect people to put me before their own mental health, and that's where I relate to her.

I saw that being the main issue between Feyre and Nesta after ACOWAR. Feyre will fight forever to have the sister she wants. Nesta sees it differently. Nesta thinks "if Feyre doesn't want to put up with me, she can disappear from my life, I won't blame or resent her for her choices." But Feyre is so convinced she wants Nesta in her life, she won't stop trying. And that insistence is hurting both. Nesta can't fit into what Feyre wants, and feels guilty because she still feels in debt with her sister, but can't give her what she wants. She can't fit into Feyre's life as she is, and the chance of not being in the life of her sister at all is taken from her. She MUST be in it. Feyre goes to the extreme to prevent Nesta from leaving her... but there is still no room for her if she doesn't change herself. Seeing things won't work, Nesta wants out of it. Feyre wants to force her to stay... hence the bribery to have her at the birthday party that only made both miserable, the intervention, the imprisonment, etc. Nesta would rather be rejected by her sisters than have them hate her, because she knows herself and knows she will constantly let them down. And I relate to her for that.

[pullingheavendown]

I've been trying to process some bullshit my friends said on holiday but it touches on so much discourse-esque bullshit that I practically don't want to, when it's really not that black and white to me.

They would casually bring up The Most Triggering Topic as a punchline to their jokes, basically. And I'd switch every time. Like a car crash in my head, blurry vision for half a second, forget the conversation, have to reorient in half a second, and then be stuck there trying not to howl and freak out until I could excuse myself from the room. I'd be shaking with so much rage and adrenaline, and just coursing with sadness. That it's just a concept to them; a joke; that these are people who know my history and helped save me from it, who still couldn't gauge that like... Just because I don't care if people engage with those topics in fiction or whatever doesn't mean I'm okay to hear that shit out loud, as a punchline, as anything other than so fucking painful my brain has to reboot.

The first time I spent hours in my room in the airbnb trying to stop hyperventilating and telling the triggered parts that we were safe. The second I had to leave the restaurant and cool off outside. The third, I was shaking with so much rage and despair that it took me half an hour before I could go back in.

I don't care what you read, or write, or fantasize about. I mute things online. I filter. I protect myself and manage my own triggers to the best of my ability. I can't do that around people who just open their mouth and say shit to my face.

I met my therapist in person for the first time mid-trip. All we talked about was those first two incidents and how I wanted to go nuclear and explode on them, I get so angry that I wanted to dissolve the friendships on the spot. And he was similarly surprised anyone who knows me would do that around me, and helped me feel like considerably more in control and less like I'm the problem.

And then they did it again.

I can't confront people when I'm that angry without exploding so I leave the situation but that also means I'm not at a place yet where I can have a discussion about that shit and establish boundaries. I'm learning. But.

I just never want to be in a room full of people I trust who will make me feel that way again. I don't know what that means other than avoiding them when I don't want to. Because they're great people outside of the "brain rot" (their words). I love them. I appreciate them. I know when they're talking about those topics, they're talking fiction and blorbos and their experience of those topics is so far from connected to reality that it's apples and oranges. They're not discussing actual shit. But MY triggered-ass brain can't maintain that distinction.

It just sucks that an entire trip was me being forced to switch and practically overdose on benzos because they can't shut the fuck up about their nonsense for more than 12 hours at a time. I guess.

But at least I don't feel like the problem in all of this. I'm doing the best I can. I didn't take it out on anyone. I handled what I could. If we ever get together again, I'll talk to them about it and if they have an issue, I'm not going.

Just... wish it had been otherwise. Wish I weren't this reactive.

Wish a lot of things.

[lgbtlunaverse]

Ok I have such visceral feelings about Xiyao and rarely see the specific aspect explored that I want in depictions of them but. I haven't been able to articulate why that is or what I'm looking for till now and it was bugging me. and your tags on the JGY kinnie post articulated it perfectly so. Thank

Well!! Ksdjdjskan I'm glad that my history of lying to my family, friends, and therapist has contributed to both our media analysis capabilities!! (Well when i say it like that it sounds stupid but I MEAN it)

I'm gonna use this ask as an excuse to go into a bit more detail on exactly that subject, cause I have been thinking about this a lot. I notice that anytime people go into the elements of xiyao that aren't exactly healthy, most of the focus is placed on lan xichen as the wronged party (and yeah he's the one being lied to! It makes sense) but in a strange sort of twisted parrallel to jgy and qin su's relationship, xichen is probably the one having an overall better time in the xiyao relationship right up until the reveal at the end!

To qin su, she had a loving if not physically passionate marriage with a son who died tragically young but was still wonderful and loved. Xichen had a sworn bortherhood where jgy and he could lean on each other and be honest with each other even when they couldn't be with anyone else, and despite any trouble with nie mingjue they mourned him together, carried each other through his death, and take care of his little brother in his memory.

Jin guangyao, meanwhile, has to keep up the act at all times. Somewhere in between getting taken in by his father and killing nie mingjue xichen stops being the one who will stand by his side no matter what and becomes... another person he has to act in front of. This doesn't actually change the fact that Xichen is his favourite person. That the act he is putting on for Xichen is likely the person he sincerely wants to be and strives to be as close to as he can. Jgy has put on masks all his life but this is the one he wishes was his actual face.

(Side tangent: Jgy genuinely wants to be good and help people. I believe this fully. Yes he wants to keep himself alive at all costs and will do horrible things to ensure his own safety but that doesn't mean he likes doing them or that he thinks they're justified. "Not having any better options" and "doing the right thing" are, in fact, not the same. I think jgy sincerely wishes he hadn't done any of his worst crimes and feels guilty, even while fully believing he had to do them.)

Side tangent over. You can lie to someone and love them. Sometimes the fact that you love them makes it harder to be honest. Because their opinion of you matters so much, them hating you or looking down on you is worse than anyone else doing so. Can you really handle dissapointing this person? Can you? There are a lot of people Jin guangyao lies to out of pure self preservation. I think Lan Xichen is one of the only ones where his primary motive for lying isn't just the physical consequences of what would happen if he gets found out, but also the emotional ones.

Cw for discussion of suicide this next paragraph.

So. I've been struggling with suicidal feelings basically since i was a young teenager and every single serious attempt or consideration, ever, has been in relation to a lie i've been telling (usually to my family) and it getting increasingly harder to keep quiet and increasingly more harmful to drag out. It feels so horrible that I have, on multiple occasions, considered killing myself to get out of it.

Now, jgy is a lot more dedicated to staying alive than I am. But that doesn't mean the actual feeling of it is any different to him, it's just that he doesn't see dying as a solution to problems like I do sometimes. I can say with experience. That loving someone and being around them pretending to be the person you actually wish you were but know you can't be is fucking torture. At any random moment a voice in the back of your head can and will pop up and remind you that this is fake. They wouldn't love you like this if they knew. And the longer you keep it a secret the worse their reaction will be. You'll manage to forget and let yourself be happy around them because they make you happy and the moment you remember you will feel guilt for that happiness. You're not just bad for lying, you are worse for daring to enjoy this person loving you on false pretenses.

And the fact that for jgy all this is just a repeat of shit everyone else has been saying about him for no good reason for literally his entire life? That he doesn't deserve to be here, that the people around him are too good for him. Oh. No. Yeah. Like I said in those tags. Nightmare scenario. (And then to be killed by this person for a thing you didn't actually do? Because you have fallen so low in their eyes that everything is fair game now? Fuck. Fuck. Xiyao make me want to go chew on glass.)

[witchlockmonsterfox]

i'm just saying at this point i'm kinna done. i got into online activism because i was disabled and could no longer engage in offline activism as well as had to recover from drug addiction. a drug addict can not hang around a community that could potentially expose them to harm. this is understandable. anyone genuine or legitimate finds this understandable.

look, i've been very very modest and humble about a lot of my activism, because that's not the point of activism. the point of activism is change. it's to help people. it's not about you, your blog, your brand, your youtube channel, your patreon, how "clever" or witty you are on the internet or how many notes you can get or how many reblogs, because the truth is the only posts that get attention are ones that are written like a tweet. i don't know how else to describe it at this point. "lol", memes, rephrasings of common internet dialogue, basic bullying and intimidation tactics, AAVE (usually fucked up), "[generic statement how white christians are to blame for any disagreement]", etc. i don't know.

having made angry posts myself (even some written with similar meme-y language), i can tell you what gets the most attention. it's that. it is literally that. if you go to someone's blog, and every post is like that, there's links to youtubes, patreons, etc, those are not really activists. those are people who realized some of their belief systems were really compatible with activism, and they want or need attention/money.

this is also why i removed my own donation links to cashapp and venmo (i also never had a patreon to "support" my supposed "activism"). quite frankly, as someone who has literally saved lives (not "oh i talked someone out of suicide" but "i administered naloxone and performed emergency procedure to save someone from a fatal opioid overdose"), and doing that *without* ever having to become a clinician or a therapist (and any activist will tell you you DON'T NEED to get a degree or a job to do the work): i am fucking pissed.

i didn't get into activism for money, or because it was the cool thing to do, or it was all over twitter. i got thrown into activism. i was just there. i got thrown into it by virtue of being one of those groups. i have known people who have killed themselves, who have died from overdoses, who have been hospitalized multiple times, who are not even their legal guardians when they are full grown adults. i've known people i've managed to help, and people who i couldn't help, but would still try to help.

you can NOT simultaneously say "the psychiatric system is harmful and abusive, i just want to help people" while turning around and calling yourself a "therapist" with a fucking individual PATREON. i do not know if this is intentional or if this is what some of these people believe activism truly is.

i am pissed.

[bi-curious--george]

An Open Letter To Taylor Swift

I feel silly even writing this. That being said.. what's it going to hurt? I know you have a tendancy to read things and lurking in places nobody would expect.  And personally, I don't think you'll ever actually read this, but I have always wanted to tell you what a fan I am, and I figure after this many years, it may be time.  I talked myself out of writing this, thinking nobody's going to read it, and that may be true, but, one time when i was drunk, I wrote president obama about how unjust the system was and rambled about domestic violence and he wrote me back a very personal letter and if that can happen because of my words, why not try to see if you read this and I can ramble about what an impact you made in my life.  And what a hypocrite i would be if i would sit every day telling people how important their stories are, but think that mine isnt important.  I don't need a response, and don't believe I will ever get one.. But it would mean the world to me if you knew how much you saved me as a kid.  To give you some context, I am a therapist now, but I have been a fan of yours since before your first album ever came out.  And I really believe that your album was a huge reason I got through my shitty childhood to be here today.  I would love to tell you a funny little glimpse of how I'm stumbled upon you.

So i grew up just dirt poor.  And i had a really, really traumatic childhood (and adulthood, but thats a different letter, to, Obama apparently) and i remember so vividly how i became a fan of yours.  So. I was trying to take a bath.  And i loved baths - this was my escape from my awful childhood right?   and i used to play the radio while i did and I'd crank the music.  And we lived in the middle of nowhere with no actual television reception so my parents had to pay for satellite TV.  So i did have that going  for me.   So i turn on the satellite radio on my parents tv all the way up, go draw my bath down the hall, and i get in the tub and get in, and i heard your music for the first time. I wish I could remember the first song, but i dont (I am betting Tim McGraw, but i dont recall precisely). What i do remember is me running down the hall in a towel, basically tripping over myself soaking wet, literally  dripping, yelling " DON'T CHANGE IT I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO IT IS".  And you or maybe the dj? announced your first album coming out, and i instantly knew what i was going to ask for for Christmas.  

I didnt think i was going to get it.  I actually rarely got what i wanted for gifts, They normally shopped at the dollar store. Around Christmas time, i showed them your CD and begged and begged for it. I still didn't think id get it. I have vague memories of showing them the CD of yours in a Kmart and very dramatically saying  " this one! " So They couldn't claim they didn't know which one it was when Christmas time rolled around. 

The suspense is killing you, im sure. So I'll  get to it, but, I did get your cd for Christmas. And then from that point on, every time I got screamed at, every time I was hurt, or I didn't feel heard, i could at least escape. It was a peace offering of sorts in my mind, i think.   My favorite song was probably "Tied Together With A Smile". 

Life got a little hard after that, I'd become a single mom at 19 and my relationships were, well, complicated, and your music just became more and more relatable. And I just was able to pour myself more and more into your music. I've always just been so thankful for your music to be there. I found a partner and I love him, and somehow your music is still relatable.

 I've appreciated that your music  has been there the whole time.  The staying power it had in my life, from teens to 30s, I think is what made it so impactful. Your music was the soundtrack of my life while ive been learning how to reclaim my life as my own - and seemingly watching you do the same. 

I always wished I could have seen you in concert. But money got tight, then stayed tight.  I settled for what i could- scream singing in the car and shower.   

I went to grad school, had some more kids, and I became a therapist and my parents disowned me which was a wild ride.  I tried so hard to get tickets to see you this time, I didn't think I would care that much, I even anticipated it not going in my favor as I was grown now and i can handle not getting to go to a concert if they ran out of tickets.

I will admit, this Ticketmaster fiasco felt so unfair.  I had worked for so long and so hard to get to a place where i could finally see you in person.  I had been a fan since before your first album.  Life had screwed me over so many times in so many ways, but it felt like i made it through it - and now i could support myself and spend my own money and be a part of this eras tour - see all the eras i couldn't see when i was hiding from the abusive relationships or couldn't afford the albums and had to repeat them on YouTube to memorize them.  I was crushed after 8+ hours of waiting to still not get tickets. 

I'm betting not hearing you in person probably hurt more at the time because I found you when I lived with my parents and  since I had been disowned semi recently by my parents and you had been such an integral part in my healing it became this awful metaphor for me not being able to move forward.  "I'm 32, I went to grad school, i still can't buy a house for my family, my car is going to die and I can't replace it (at the time), I'm stuck at a job that doesn't appreciate me, I can't even see the one concert I wanted, where did I fuck up so bad?" and like it was an awful loop of me messing up somewhere along the line.. and I cried probably every day from the day of Ticketmaster failure until the second day of Minneapolis, and even sometimes now even thinking about losing the chance. Ticketmaster had other ideas for me i guess.  And that's not on you, that's just a me thing.  And that's for my new therapist to unpack,  😂

I still try to watch the lives on tiktok so I can try to be a part of What is likely our generations Woodstock. You are doing amazing things, and I hope that you and your family and friends are endlessly proud of you.

Regardless, thank you for being a part of my journey, I'm so glad you were there. And if you ever tour again, which I hope you do, I'll see you there. 

I wrote this whole thing out on 8/1,  I was going to print it out and mail it as I had heard that's  the best avenue..  then I never got around to it as I felt silly. It's now 8/3, the day that more dates were announced (I knew it! I knew Canada would get some dates!)  Unfortunately Minnesota did not get more dates but I'm going to register for Indianapolis  on 11/2- it's worth a shot.  🤞. I slept on it, and said to myself, Let's put it on Tumblr and let the universe decide if you should see it.